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who am i to argue with the captain of the enterprise?

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for riddles! And hey, look at me! T-Rex: I have the perfect riddle memorized right here, in my awesome brain! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Which creature goes on four feet in the morning, two feet at noon, and three feet in the evening? Dromiceiomimus: It's a human, T-Rex. Babies crawl on all fours, then they walk around and then when they're old they use a cane. Come on, that riddle's from Ancient Greece. That riddle is so old-school, the techniques necessary for modern school construction won't be invented for two thousand years. T-Rex: Huh! People know The Riddle of the Sphinx? Utahraptor: You're surprised? Utahraptor: T-Rex, it's most likely the oldest riddle on the planet. Without hyperbole, entire civilizations have risen and fallen since someone first came up with that riddle. It predates PAPER. T-Rex: Well... Patrick Stewart liked it. Narrator: EARLIER: Off panel: T-Rex, your riddle spoke to me personally because I started today on four feet, managed to walk on two feet at noon, and now I'm using three feet! T-Rex (punchline): Wow, Patrick Stewart! Off panel: It has been a memorable day

the brand name can be "actual fewd", so that in casual conversation and radio spots it's indistinguishable from "actual food". the challenges presented by print advertising i leave to whatever agency wins the account!

Guys! HAPPY PI APPROXIMATION DAY!

T-Rex: It's safe to eat chalk, right? Probably? T-Rex: Probably it's safe to eat chalk? T-Rex: Let us totally assume that it's safe to eat chalk!! T-Rex: And seriously, if it's not safe to eat chalk then it's DEFINITELY safe to eat sawdust. And even if it's not, there's got to be things that'll pass through you ENTIRELY UNDIGESTED but that also won't cause any harm when you gobble them! T-Rex: Guys! We should be making food out of these things! Utahraptor: Another weight-loss scheme? T-Rex: Utahraptor, this one's perfect though! T-Rex: You'll be able to eat ALL YOU WANT and get that great "I'm so full, you guys" feeling, but never gain any weight! Utahraptor: Ah, yes, that coveted "I'm so full of chalk and sawdust, you guys" feeling. T-Rex: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it! Narrator: T-REX TRIES IT: T-Rex (punchline): bleh

utahraptor gots SERIOUS problems when it comes to not screwing up those two phrases

T-Rex: Primitivism is the artistic and cultural idea that prehistorical and tribal societies were, and are, better than modern societies. T-Rex: Okay guys! Whatever! T-Rex: The trouble I have with primitivism is the half-assed way it's always evoked: it's this simplified idea of "primitive" cultures, where some things get highlighted while a lot of detail gets ignored or obliterated completely. All the women were totally topless and all the men wore body paint and hunted with spears! Life was good in the forest! T-Rex: Primitivism has this strange semi-positive racism attached to it too. Utahraptor: Semi-positive? T-Rex: Yeah! You exaggerate traits as you often do with racism, but you make them positive things instead of negative. Natives were better because they were all stoic and noble and loved Mother Nature. Okay, great, but what if you're native and you're not like that? Utahraptor: Comedy ensues! Off panel: Whoah, did I say "comedy"? I meant to say "an encounter with prejudice about model minorities". T-Rex (punchline): Man, you're always screwing those two up!!

mathematicians in the audience are just getting more and more pissed

T-Rex: Emotions are embarrassing and should be hidden. In polite society, "euphemisms" are used to avoid the shock of naming feelings directly! Narrator: NEW "EUPHEMISMS" FOR EMOTIONS COMICS T-Rex: For example, instead of saying "I'm happy" you can say "I fell off the wagon! The wagon is sadness and my mode of transportation, but I didn't hold on hard enough." Dromiceiomimus: That's very clear! And instead of saying "I'm sad" you can say "I'm a friend of Aquaman's." T-Rex: He always seemed to have an... abiding sorrow. Utahraptor: And instead of "exciting"? T-Rex: "My heart has developed boners for this". Utahraptor: Huh! What about that strange emotion you get when you see a house being moved on one of those giant trucks at night: a sort of silent ethereal wistfulness? T-Rex: There's no need for that crass language! You can just say "Dudes check out that house please" and the dudes, they will understand. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): A Nobel Prize for Excellence in the Avoidance of Frank Discussions of Feelings? My heart has developed so many boners right now, ladies and gentlemen! Off panel: WOOO! Off panel: That's why he's the champ!!

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: T-REX IS SAD

T-Rex: Seeing all my old friends and family over the holidays has been fun. Good times! T-Rex: But, it has also been SAD. T-Rex: We've all changed! It makes me nostaligic for how things were before, just a year or two ago. Not because things were better, but because they were different! I always feel like I missed some opportunity, like I could have done something then that I can't do now. Utahraptor: It's over now! T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: But I feel like everyone - all of us - could have done so much then, if only we hadn't spent so many nights at home watching a movie, or sitting in front of a computer! Utahraptor: "Live every day to the fullest"? T-Rex (punchline): My life reduced to cliché!

"Weiners! This Is A Book Alllll About Them (YES there are NO PICTURES)"

T-Rex: Stories GUARANTEED To Be Read Alone, In Silence, With A Fake Cover Over The Book! - by me, T-Rex! T-Rex: These stories are really embarrassing, so you won't want to be caught reading them! T-Rex: I'm talking "How To Stop Peeing Yourself On Public Transit For Dummies" embarrassing! Dromiceiomimus: I'm not going to read your stories, T-Rex, but I WILL endorse your idea of fake dustjackets for books. Like, one that says "LOL, Watch Me Tweet Using This Handheld Phone: Passing As a Temporal Local in North America, 2010-2020". T-Rex: Ooh! Or "One R-Rated Movie Ticket, Please: How You, A Trenchcoat, And Your Two Best Friends Can Do All The Cool Things Grown-Ups Won't Let You"! T-Rex: "256 Pictures Of Cool Bugs" Utahraptor: "So Here's What I Think A Lady's Boob Looks Like" T-Rex: "Hey Everyone!! The Person Reading This Book Is Illiterate and Just Pretending To Read, Nobody Tell Them This Title Broadcasts Their Secret To Everyone Around Them!" Utahraptor: "Ten Hats To See Before You Die" T-Rex: "Things I Have Sat On: A Memoir" Utahraptor: "Boats! I Like 'Em Fine!" T-Rex: "The UNAUTHORIZED GUIDE to the #1 HIT Holodeck Program, SIM-PLANET: EARTH! Tips, Tricks, And Hacks To Get The Most Out Of Interacting With The 7 Billion NPCs Who Really Think They're Alive!" Off panel: "INCLUDES TIPS FOR THE SEXUAL DESIRE DLC!!" T-Rex (punchline): OMG, I would never stop reading

for felicity and evlyn payton tayler

T-Rex: I am tired of things not getting done my way. T-Rex: Therefore, I am going into politics! T-Rex: As a politician, I will have power and influence! Things will get done, and they will get done my way! Finally, I will be the person making all the important decisions! Utahraptor: T-Rex, we live in a democracy of dinosaurs! You'll have to get elected if you wish to have power! T-Rex: I see! T-Rex: Will you vote for me? Utahraptor: Well, um, what's your platform? What issues are you concerned about? Utahraptor: My mom works at the library, and there have been cutbacks lately, so that's a concern for us. T-Rex: Your mom's a librarian?! T-Rex (punchline): That's AWESOME!

the alternate ending has t-rex in panel 5 asking utahraptor to tell him something exciting so he can use the expression, and utahraptor says he was at a party last night where some people were doing cocaine in the corner, and t-rex really doesn't know what to say to that. he imagines he would feel uncomfortable in such a situation, but would try to pretend like he was cool with it, like he didn't even care.

T-Rex: You know what people don't say often enough anymore? T-Rex: "Holy smokes!" T-Rex: Holy smokes, but that's a pretty awesome expression! "That dude just fell down the stairs! Holy smokes!" It has the charm of a child, yet is better than the old standby of "holy cow" because nobody says "holy smokes" anymore. It is forgotten. It is UNDISCOVERED. T-Rex: Holy smokes! Utahraptor: And with that, it becomes overused! Utahraptor: Ah well, it had a good run. Now, on to the next new thing! T-Rex: Wait! Wait a minute! I never had a chance to use it for real! T-Rex: Anyway man, who says you're in charge of when things become "old hat"? T-Rex: I will say it again in French, friends and neighbours! T-Rex (punchline): Qui dit que vous êtes responsable du moment où les choses deviennent "vieux chapeau"?

remember when YOU were young and believed no member of the interesting sex could ever find you attractive under their own volition?

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to reminisce about the past! T-Rex: Okay! Here I go! Narrator: SEVERAL MINUTES LATER: T-Rex: DANA was totally flirting with me! T-Rex: Hah! I can't believe I didn't see it at the time. I can't believe I didn't see it until now! Dromiceiomimus: Who's Dana? What'd she do? T-Rex: I went to University with her. She said at the time that she found me handsome, and I said that it was "probably just her own ideas of attractiveness interacting with my own personality and unchangeable genetics." T-Rex: What the heck, past me? T-Rex: I guess I was young and believed no woman could ever find me attractive of her own volition! Utahraptor: Still - pretty bad! T-Rex: But what a nice realization to finally have though, right? Perhaps there were DOZENS of women flirting with me in the past, yet unnoticed! Utahraptor: Instead of looking for dates, you could scour your memories for missed romantic opportunities! T-Rex: What you suggest in jest, I will do with conviction! T-Rex: [thinks] Okay... Katherine - no. Muriel - nope. Ermeswindis - yes! Yes! Wait... no. No. Man, thanks for nothing, ERMESWINDIS. T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] I still think your name's rad though

not even one sexie, huh?

T-Rex: What time is it, God?! God: ADVEN- T-Rex: No it's 3:31 pm EST. T-Rex: Hah hah! Zing! God: HOW IS THAT A JOKE YOU JUST ASKED ME WHAT TIME IT WAS AND THEN TOLD ME THE TIME T-Rex: It's a little thing called ANTIHUMOUR? A horse walks into a bar! He causes a commotion and, terrified, tramples several patrons. Hah hah hah! THEY DIED! God: THAT HAPPENED ONCE T-Rex: ...Oh. T-Rex: Well, now I feel horrible! Utahraptor: Why? T-Rex: Oh, I tried to make a joke involving people dying and equines but God was all "that happened once". Utahraptor: Well, at least he didn't say "that will happen"! Or worse, "now that you've SAID it, that will happen". T-Rex: Or "now that you've said it, it will happen to YOU!" T-Rex: Hmmm... Hey God, have you heard this one? "A horse walks into a bar! He causes a commotion and T-Rex becomes a millionaire!! Also all the sexies like him ("sexies" is my word for sexy people!)" T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Nothing, huh?

THE OTHER 100% OF WHAT YOU DO ALL DAY IS TALKING ABOUT TALKING; I SHOULD'VE BEEN WELL COVERED HERE

T-Rex: Alright dudes, listen, it's time to MAN UP. It's time for us to become more CULTURALLY MASCULINE. T-Rex: It's time to CONFORM TO WHAT STRANGERS THINK A MAN SHOULD BE! T-Rex: Perhaps you need to take a leadership role in something, or perhaps there is a challenge you have failed that you must now succeed in, because that is what MEN do. Dromiceiomimus: These seem like something a woman could do equally as well, if not better! T-Rex: Perhaps now it's time for you to MAN UP and change our cultural perception of gender then?? Utahraptor: So toughness equals manliness then? Success is a male attribute now?? T-Rex: Hey man, don't look at me! T-Rex: I'm just the reporter here. If people walked around saying "LADY UP" to mean "TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS ALREADY" then I would be talking about that! Utahraptor: Okay. I'm going to LADY UP and say that from now on! T-Rex: I sincerely wish you luck!! Narrator: SOON: TROUBLE 4 UTAHRAPTOR Off panel: I said it was time for me to lady up and clean the bathroom and then get some groceries! T-Rex (punchline): *gasp* So sexist!! Off panel: You were supposed to spread the new saying around! Come on!! Off panel: It's TALKING. Off panel: THAT IS LIKE 100% OF WHAT YOU DO ALL DAY

although, upon reflection, my heating system and i have pulled off some wicked sweet seductions

T-Rex: The word "cybernetic" isn't JUST about abominable marriages of flesh and machine with glowing red eyes that hate all organic life, or as THEY call them, "organos". T-Rex: At its core, it refers to a control system that adjusts itself to feedback! T-Rex: Let's say I want my room to be at a comfortable, yet classy, 22 degrees Celsius. If I design a system that repeatedly checks the temperature of the room and either turns on a heater or an air conditioner as needed, then OH SNAP. I'VE JUST BUILT A CYBERNETIC SYSTEM. Dromiceiomimus: That sounds like the heating system of any modern building. T-Rex: Exactly! We're surrounded by cybernetic systems!! T-Rex: WE WORK INSIDE THEM. Utahraptor: We live inside them! T-Rex: So awesome! T-Rex: And if we view an air-conditioned room not as an empty space but as one half of a cyborg, then when I enter it, MY BODY is the other half. We join, marrying machine and flesh, working together to ensure my optimal comfort! Utahraptor: And when you leave, you disconnect from the cybernetic machinery and become a regular dude! T-Rex: YES. I'm basically amazing, Utahraptor. I'm a cyborg at the mall, at the office, AND IN THE COMFORTABLE, YET CLASSY, 22 DEGREES CELSIUS BEDROOM. T-Rex: Bottom line! T-Rex (punchline): I should be getting WAY MORE DATES

the alternate ending panel had the t-rex just standing there, speechless with outrage

Narrator: FILMIC TECHNIQUES COMICS T-Rex: Oh boy! T-Rex: I believe I'll offer some advice on employing everyday filmic techniques! T-Rex: To begin: when filming, you always want to stay on one side of the action. This is because if you suddenly start filming from the OPPOSITE side of the action, it will appear to be reversed! T-Rex: Observe: T-Rex: Notice how I appear to be stomping in the opposite direction! Utahraptor: Amazing! Utahraptor: Have you covered the "flashback" yet? T-Rex: No, please, be my guest! Utahraptor: The flashback can be used to provide more detail about a character's motivation! For instance: Narrator: TWENTY YEARS AGO... Off panel: I told you, son: no stomping! T-Rex (punchline): You're not the boss of me!

why would a dehumanizer ray work on aliens? because they're anthropormophized! this concludes another installment of ''explanations that follow the formal structure of a joke but are not actually intended as one.''

Narrator: SOLVE ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS COMICS Narrator: a choose your own adventure comic that also solves all your relationship problems T-Rex: Nice! Text: You're Captain Blam. You're on an alien space ship, armed only with your trusty dehumanizer ray! T-Rex: Turn to panel 3! Text: You glance around you, seeing two obvious exits. The first is a ornate pink door, with the words "RELATIONSHIP TOWNE" written in loopy script across its face. To its right is another door, forged out of solid steel. Above it is a neon sign that says "LET'S SHOOT SOME DUDES!". It flashes once per second. It looks - it looks SPLENDID. Dromiceiomimus: To enter Relationship Towne, turn to panel 4! T-Rex: To shoot some dudes, turn to panel 5! You probably wanna shoot some dudes. T-Rex: Shoot some dudes!! Text: As you put your hand on the door to Relationship Towne, you decide to want to shoot some dudes instead. T-Rex: SO AWESOME!! Utahraptor: Turn to panel five! Text: You fire your dehumanizer ray on every alien you see! The explosions are so great. They're awesome. Each one is better than the last. Oh my goodness. Suddenly, you realize relationships are based on trust! T-Rex: To shoot some more aliens, re-read this panel again and again! Utahraptor: To explore your feelings, turn to panel 6. Text: You're done shooting aliens and they are all dead. It's cool though. You call up your sweetie and apologize for things you've done wrong in the past, and promise to do better in the future. You tell her you love her. You mean it in a way you haven't meant for years. All your relationship problems are solved! T-Rex (punchline): Yesssssss

Richard Dawkins says we are going to die, and that that makes us the lucky ones! Richard Dawkins says a lot of things!

Text: We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die, T-Rex: Man. What the heck am I gonna eat for dinner? Text: because they are never going to be born. T-Rex: Maybe... chicken? Text: The number of people who could be here, in my place, outnumber the sand grains of Sahara. If you think about all the different ways in which our genes could be permuted, you and I are quite grotesquely lucky to be here. The number of events that had to happen in order for you to exist, in order for me to exist... T-Rex: I like chicken. I could bread it, or I could roast it. T-Rex: Maybe I could put a lemon inside. Text: we are privileged to be alive Utahraptor: I propose a pork roast! T-Rex: Also delicious! Text: and we should make the most of our time on this world. Text: -Richard Dawkins T-Rex: I'm just not feeling that motivated, you know? Maybe I'll just get a fast food burger. Utahraptor: I think you should cook. It's healthier! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): I'll probably just eat a chicken for dinner.

interestingly, this is the only version of the story in which red survives without needing a man to help her! the poop gambit pays off AGAIN

T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a young woman called Little Red Riding Hood! Her parents, who were grown adults, named her after the clothes they bought for her. Narrator: THE STORY OF LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD Narrator: as told in the 14th century T-Rex: Red is on her way to visit her grandmother, who lives in the woods. She meets a wolf and tells him where she's going, so Wolf gets there before her and murders the grandmother. Then he DRESSES UP IN HER CLOTHES while BOTTLING HER BLOOD AND CHOPPING UP HER FLESH. Then he gets into her bed. T-Rex: I - I don't know why. T-Rex: This is a story for children, I dunno Utahraptor: And then Red shows up? T-Rex: That's still the same, yeah! T-Rex: Only now Wolf tells Red to eat, so she unknowingly CANNIBALIZES HER OWN GRANDMOTHER. Then either Wolf eats Red, THE END, or convinces her to burn her clothes (WHAT) and get into bed with her "grandmother" (WHAT) at which point Red saves herself by saying she needs to poo and doesn't want to poo the bed (WHATTTT) T-Rex: Red runs back to home naked and has learnt a valuable lesson: don't talk to strangers! T-Rex (punchline): She later reflects, wistfully, that the lesson could've easily been conveyed without murder, cannibalism and zoophilia, but OH WELL!

THE ROCK IT TO THE BANG BANG BOOGIE SAY UP JUMPED THE BOOGIE TO THE RHYTHM OF THE BOOGIE THE BEAT HOW DOES THAT TASTE CAMUS

T-Rex: God, you're omniscient, right? You know everything! God: YUP T-Rex: EVERYTHING everything? God: I KNOW YOUR DREAMS LAST NIGHT THAT WERE SO BORING EVEN YOU FORGOT THEM ALREADY T-Rex: MY private dreams? BORING?! Does this mean that when you're listening to everything we say and watching everything we do to determine if we're good or not, sometimes you'd rather be doing something else? God: T-REX YOU'RE THINKING OF SANTA T-Rex: ...Okay. T-Rex: Yes I am. Utahraptor: So you agree, T-Rex, that omniscient means knowing EVERYTHING. T-Rex: EVERYTHING everything! Utahraptor: That means God knows the fully-accurate position AND momentum of every particle in the universe, thus violating the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. We have a contradiction, therefore, God does not exist and you're crazy for hearing him!! T-Rex: *gasp* God: T-REX YOU NEED TO EXIST TO RAP THEREFORE ANYONE WHO DOESN'T EXIST WOULDN'T RAP God: I SAID A HIP HOP A HIPPIE A HIPPIE TO THE HIP HIP HOP AND YOU DON'T STOP God: Q E D BABY T-Rex (punchline): phew

writing isn't hard: writing WELL is hard. actually, that's easy too if you have a computer, because then you can have perfect letter shapes every time. okay, coming up with good things to write about is hard. unless you're writing non-fiction. okay okay, writing about good things in an engaging way is hard. perfect. write that down.

T-Rex: In my new story, Professor Time teams up with her colleague, Doctor Space. Together, they are... T-Rex: TIME AND SPACE. T-Rex: Their combination house/fort is called the Space-Time Continuum, obviously!! T-Rex: It is so named because this house is a continuous sequence of rooms in which adjacent rooms are not perceptibly different from each other, although the extremes are quite distinct. Dromiceiomimus: Sounds pretty plausible. T-Rex: I know, right? It was a big deal to construct, but they had The Time (Prof Time is good at architecture AND referring to herself with the definite article). And they also had The Space! Utahraptor: But did they have The Money?? T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: Okay, dude, that's a great idea. Doc Space and Prof Time meet Secret Agent Money, who is loaded like whoah. Utahraptor: PLOT TWIST: the Professor and secret agent are never seen together, because - T-Rex: THEY'RE THE SAME PERSON: TIME IS MONEY T-Rex: OH MY GOD, IT ALL FITS T-Rex: I don't know about writing but I know what I like, and what I like is whole stories built around old sayings! Off panel: Then you'll love my story about squabbling roommates named "You", called "You can't take it with You!" T-Rex (punchline): Yes. Yes, I BELIEVE I SHALL.

don't listen to their lies THE BALLS ARE HARD don't listen to their LIES

T-Rex: You and your friends stand in a field, alone, too far away to really talk to each other. You wait there while someone else's friends line up and take turns hitting balls at you. And it's not like they're soft. They're really hard. T-Rex: You can catch them if you want. Narrator: BASEBALL Narrator: AS SHE IS PLAYED T-Rex: If you catch the ball, then they don't get a point, nothing changes, and we've all been wasting our time. If you DON'T catch the ball, then they get to run in a big circle and get some points based on how much of a circle they ran in. T-Rex: A full circle is worth a whopping one point! Oh. Also, no fractional points are awarded. T-Rex: Have fun, you guys! Utahraptor: This doesn't sound like a very interesting game! T-Rex: Hah! Oh, Utahraptor. T-Rex: Baseball isn't played because it's INTERESTING. Baseball is played because without darkness we would not appreciate the light: without sorrow, we would not appreciate joy. Baseball makes us savour life and reminds us to treasure every second we have on this beautiful planet, because such moments may never come again. T-Rex (punchline): Baseball is played, my dear friend, because without it we would not appreciate the times when we don't have to play baseball. Narrator: THE END

this comic goes out to all the people with big enough hearts to take in and care for a totally sucky dog

T-Rex: I have finally come up with a way to become immortal! It's perfect, because I don't even have to do anything except DIE, and I was already probably going to do that anyway! T-Rex: Yes, all I have to do is be reincarnated. Indefinitely! T-Rex: Isn't that great, Dromiceiomimus? We can have this conversation as many times as we want! I can stomp on things forever! Dromiceiomimus: Well - what form of reincarnation are you talking about here? A lot of people believe that if you're bad in this life, you might come back as a lower animal the next time, like a sucky dog or a poo bug. T-Rex: AW MAN! Sucky dogs? POO bugs?? T-Rex: Poo bugs are SCIENTIFICALLY the lamest sorts of bugs! Utahraptor: And you're still stomping! T-Rex: Well, I can't stop now! Besides, if I DO come back as a poo bug, then there's not much damage I can do, right? Maybe I'll get stomped on by some other dude pretty quickly and it'll be SO TRAGIC that next time I'll get to be an awesome T-Rex again. Utahraptor: I don't think that's how karma works. Narrator: THREE LIFETIMES LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Success!!

<3 library scientists

T-Rex: I am no longer worried about not having any friends if I move to a new town. I have turned a crisis into an opportunity! An opportunity... T-Rex: ... for personal reinvention! T-Rex: The key is that nobody will know me in this new town, which means I could be whomever I want! If I present myself as a grizzled prospector, no one will be able to say otherwise! I could be a race car driver! I could be a LIBRARY SCIENTIST. Dromiceiomimus: But - you couldn't get a job at a library, because you wouldn't ACTUALLY know library science. T-Rex: But I could pretend! Utahraptor: So you'd move to a new town just to start a life of LIES? T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: I mean no! It wouldn't be lying: it would be REINVENTION. I would be the Star Trek: The Next Generation to my present "original series". Utahraptor: But instead of androids you'd have prospectors, and fake librarians. T-Rex: Yes! In all seriousness, it would let me put behind myself aspects of my past that I'm not happy with. Off panel: Like chocochops? T-Rex (punchline): Like everything I've EVER DONE WRONG OH GOD

gary, we should be friends. you can remind me about your name often, okay? and then i'll remember to change my name to yours, okay?

Off panel: T-Rex, I want you to meet my friend Gary. Gary, this is T-Rex. T-Rex: Pleased to meet you! Off panel: T-Rex, this is Gary Horses. [no text] Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I had no idea that "Horses" was available as a last name. Mr. Horses? I could be Mr. Horses? Why was I not told I could be Mr. Horses? Dromiceiomimus: I believe you can change your name to whatever you want. T-Rex: Yeah, but I didn't know "Horses" was an actual option! We live in a world where "Horses" is a real last name. How'd I miss that one? Utahraptor: You don't even particularly like horses! T-Rex: They're alright! They get by! Utahraptor: Honestly. What happens if you change your name and then you run into Gary Horses at a party? He'll know you stole his name. T-Rex: Please. When would I ever be likely to see him again? Narrator: MANY YEARS LATER: Off panel: T-Rex, you remember my friend Gary Horses. T-Rex: OH MY GOD! T-Rex (punchline): I CAN'T BELIEVE I TOTALLY FORGOT HOW AWESOME YOUR NAME WAS

4 scor & 7 yrs ago r fathrs brawt 4th on dis con10ent a nu natn, concevd n librty, & ddcatd 2 d propstN dat aL men r creatD =

T-Rex: It's the future! We write on tiny keyboards and on networks where each keystroke is at a premium. I'm not gonna spell out "therefore" when I can type "ther4"! T-Rex: The English language needs to evolve to keep up!! T-Rex: Rather than the MAN expecting me to follow a spelling rule that was invented back when we were so dumb we never even thought of TELEPHONES, maybe we should just change the rules to keep up with how the language is actually used?? T-Rex: MAYBE? T-Rex: ALSO THESE RULES WERE INVENTED BACK WHEN WE LITERALLY THOUGHT OWNING PEOPLE WAS RAD; JUST SAYING?? Utahraptor: I can't believe you think "ther4" is the future of "therefore"! T-Rex: Ah, the voice of prejudice! Utahraptor: Is it? Or is it that SMS shorthand is cryptic and distancing and incredibly difficult to take seriously? Are we going to live in a future where cops actually write "Sry bt ur bro'z ded?" T-Rex: I sure hope so!! That officer saved valuable keystrokes. Now he has more time to arrest criminals. Narrator: MEANWHILE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX GOT HIS WISH: Off panel: Lt us ther4 brace rselvs 2 r duties, & so bear rselvs dat f d british mpah & itz cmnwlth lst 4 a thou yrs, men wil stil say, 'This wuz thR finest hour.' T-Rex: Wow. T-Rex (punchline): It sure wuz

ah yes, i see you too have hardened your imagination against out-of-bounds radness overflow exploits

T-Rex: Which is the best boat? The Baychimo is the best boat! It weighs over a thousand tons and was used to trade pelts with the Inuit in the 1930s! T-Rex: Already, a pretty sweet boat! T-Rex: But then it got stuck in ice, so its crew abandoned it, and then two days later it got unstuck, so its crew unabandoned it. Then it got stuck in ice AGAIN, and this time most of the crew was rescued by aeroplane. But some stayed, living in a hut they built for warmth! Then a huge blizzard struck a few weeks later, and when it cleared - Dromiceiomimus: The boat was unstuck? T-Rex: The boat was GONE. Utahraptor: So it sunk! T-Rex: No, man! T-Rex: It broke free from both the ice AND the need for a crew! And though people kept finding and trying to salvage her over the next 38 YEARS, she kept escaping. She may still be out there! Utahraptor: I can see why this boat appeals to you. T-Rex: She totally does! T-Rex: The only way this boat could be better is if they'd named her the "HMS Hey Screw You Guys". But whenever I close my eyes and imagine that all I see are the words "TOO RAD", floating in an otherwise featureless void! T-Rex (punchline): So it's probably best they didn't name her that, huh

the alternate ending: T-Rex says "God? Is it possible for you to use grammar SO POORLY that even you can't understand what you were trying to say?" and God says "UM HELLO" and then he says "YOU'RE THE DUDE WITH THE BAD APOSTROPHES"

T-Rex: I wonder what things would be like if I could READ MY FRIEND'S THOUGHTS?? God: T-REX YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE FRIEND T-Rex: Thanks, God! I totally noticed! God: NO BUT MY POINT IS YOU PUNCTUATED THAT IMPROPERLY God: WHEN YOU WANT TO SHOW POSSESSION ON A PLURAL NOUN THAT ENDS WITH AN S YOU HAVE TO PUT THE APOSTROPHE AFTER THE S OTHERWISE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A SINGLE FRIEND INSTEAD OF PLENTY OF THEM T-Rex: There's no way you could know what punctuation I was using! There's NO WAY. God: I'M KINDA GOD THOUGH T-Rex: Still! Impossible! Utahraptor: What is? T-Rex: God knowing if I put the apostrophe in the wrong place in homophonic spoken language!! Utahraptor: Well, isn't that the old paradox? Can God create a sentence with grammar so bad, even HE can't correct it? T-Rex: I CREATED THE SENTENCE. IT'S FINE. T-Rex: [thinks] Secretly, I did punctuate that sentence improperly! God: I HEARD THAT T-Rex: [thinks] Forget you, man! God: I HEARD THAT TOO T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Aghglug glag ghag God: SO UH God: THAT ONE DIDN'T MAKE SENSE

oh also! the odd-numbered star trek movies are bad while the even-numbered movies are good, unless the movie is divisible by 5, in which case it's bad again, or divisible by 11, in which case it's good again. FACT

Narrator: EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT STAR TREK T-Rex: Three facts are all you need, and you'll be able to bluff your way through every conversation! T-Rex: But you'll ESPECIALLY be able to bluff your way through Star Trek related conversations! T-Rex: Okay, fact one: Geordi is an extremely competent but underrated character, fact two: the movies focus too heavily on attacks on Earth and not enough on exploration, and fact three: you can make up your favourite episode and it's been done. Just say "Ah yes, my favourite episode is the one where they" and then pick a premise. Get turned into children? Chop off a head and sent it back in time? Hung out with aliens who were actually NOT REALLY ALIENS?? Utahraptor: Okay, so how many times on Star Trek have they gone back in time? T-Rex: Depends on what you mean! T-Rex: Are we including the movies - movies which, I MIGHT ADD, focus too heavily on attacks on Earth? Utahraptor: Sure. T-Rex: Well! I suppose THAT depends on whether or not we're including episodes featuring that competent Geordi fellow. Narrator: NEXT TIME ON DINOSAUR COMICS: HOW TO BLUFF YOUR WAY THROUGH EVERY STAR WARS RELATED CONVERSATION T-Rex (punchline): Um... "George Lucas ruined everything?" Off panel: OH MY GOD! Off panel: I KNOW

hey! t-rex sincerely believes that any song about bitches can be changed to a song about your male acquaintances by replacing 'bitches' with 'fellows'. where my fellows at? fellows ain't shit but hoes and tricks!

T-Rex: Hey everyone! Stop saying "bitches" so much! T-Rex: There are other words than "bitches"! Daaamn! T-Rex: These words include such fine examples as "fellows", "gravy", and "Monterey Jack". Dromiceiomimus: Are we to use these words in place of "bitches"? T-Rex: Exclusively! FOR EXAMPLE, instead of saying "Hey! Get off my back, bitches!" I can NOW say, "Hey! Get off my back, Monterey Jack!" Utahraptor: That one only works because it rhymes!! T-Rex: Says you, gravy! Utahraptor: See? See? That one only makes you sound like you're dumb and want gravy. T-Rex: I do want gravy. Utahraptor: Alright. Utahraptor: I don't have any. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I've allowed my love of gravy to distract from my prescriptivist linguistic crusade! God: THAT'S THE FIRST TIME ANYONE HAS EVER SAID THAT T-Rex (punchline): Seriously? Does that mean I get into heaven FOR FREE?? God: HONESTLY God: IT HELPS

WHO WANTS TO BARTER, LADIES?? I GOT TABLES LINED UP DOMINO STYLE AND I'M NOT FOOLING AROUND

T-Rex: Oh frigs and dangs, I want a thing and someone else has that thing and they're willing to engage in trade but we need to agree on the terms! THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR.... T-Rex: NEGOTIATION MAN!! T-Rex: He's a rhetorical device though, so he can't make it / exist at all, BUT, I can lay down some sweet negotiation tips for YOU, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: But I thought you were the one who wanted to negoti- T-Rex: When buying, always open with a lowball offer! That way, they have to negotiate up. Nobody likes to negotiate so, THIS way, they have to do the sucky job. Utahraptor: Okay, so what if they come back with "too low, you suck!"? T-Rex: Flip the table! FLIP THE TABLE!! T-Rex: That's how negotiators know you're serious. After you flip it, say "Okay, you wanna try that sentence again? Maybe try harder this time?" Utahraptor: What if we're standing? T-Rex: Offer them a seat at a table, sit down at the table with them, then FLIP THAT FRIGGING TABLE. Narrator: LATER: [motion lines] Off panel: My table! She is so flipped!! T-Rex: Hah hah hah!! T-Rex: I T-Rex: LOVE T-Rex (punchline): NEGOTIATING

the fifty dollar bills are made out of paper and crayons and ingesting them is, of course, mandatory

Narrator: MAYBE WE CAN INVENT A FOOD T-Rex: Why READ someone else's old recipe when you could be WRITING your own new one?? T-Rex: Let's answer that question with terrible, hard-earned experience! T-Rex: So first we should decide what kind of a food we want to eat, basing it on previous foods we've enjoyed. For example, I like to eat ice cream and meat. Dromiceiomimus: Maybe some meat-themed frozen confection? T-Rex: That sounds like meat-themed frozen perfection! Dromiceiomimus: Okay, good T-Rex: First, get five pounds of ground beef! Utahraptor: Then get five pounds of ice cream! T-Rex: Fold the raw meat into the ice cream, and brown in a giant frying pan. The ice cream will melt, sugars will burn, and grease will float on top of it all. Will this taste good? WHO KNOWS?? Utahraptor: All I know is that you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs! T-Rex: That reminds me, throw some eggs into this! Then add salt to taste, and add more eggs to taste too. Serve in a bathtub and garnish with fifty dollar bills! T-Rex (punchline): Serves one (1) person who you are fine if they don't ever come over anymore!

the challenge was to write a comic with the theme 'monkey whore'

T-Rex: I have been secretly programming in my spare time! What's more, I have completed my first game. I call it... T-Rex: "Monkey Whore!" T-Rex: Like all my work, the exclaimation mark belongs in the title. It's that exciting a game! Dromiceiomimus: What do you do in "Monkey Whore!"? T-Rex: Well, it's great. You start out as a monkey whore and then you collect coins and at the end of the game you are the Champion of the Monkey Whores! Utahraptor: Where did you pick up a word like "whore", T-Rex?! T-Rex: I saw it on the Internet! Utahraptor: And - you know what a "whore" is? T-Rex: I have the basic idea! A whore is someone who collects coins, yes? Utahraptor: T-Rex, a whore is someone who has sex for money. T-Rex: Holy cow! T-Rex (punchline): My game's not appropriate AT ALL!

HAPPY HALLOWE'EN EVE EVE EVE EVE EVE EVE EVE EVE EVE EVE EVE EVE EVE EVE EVE

T-Rex: Rachel was trying, and failing, to fall asleep. In desperation, she finally said "Body, I'm in control, and I say: SLEEP." T-Rex: She woke up from her coma three weeks later! T-Rex: Holy smokes!! T-Rex: Rachel had tripped across her LATENT SUPERPOWER: being able to take manual control of any bodily process. Soon, she was stopping her heart and then starting it up again, encoding "HEY HATERS WHAT'S UP" into her blinking via slowed-down Morse Code: the works. T-Rex: But there was one problem: once she took manual control, she couldn't restore it to automatic! Utahraptor: So she was always making her heart beat? T-Rex: Yep! It was like clenching a fist once a second! T-Rex: But she kept pushing her limits, manually controlling her breathing and heartbeat and blinking until she one day took control over CELLULAR REPRODUCTION. Now no cell in her body divided without her telling it to. It was a living nightmare; nobody could coordinate that many events without messing up. T-Rex: Some body parts grew huge as their cells divided wildly while others withered and died. Rachel - thankfully! - didn't last much longer, and her last words were "If T-Rex narrativizes my life story I'll come back and haunt him forever". Later, I - T-Rex (punchline): OH DAAAAAAANG

a LITTLE respect, please!

T-Rex: If I ever turn into a werewolf, I would DEFINITELY donate my still-living body to science! The reason is simple: I Care About Science. T-Rex: Guys! The advances would be incredible! T-Rex: I'd have a body that would CHANGE SHAPE in response to the light of a full moon. That's insane! If we could harness the powers of my sweet-ass hairy body, the advances would be incredible! We could lose fat and build muscle instantly! We could restore broken limbs! WE COULD HELP BALD MEN NOT BE BALD ANYMORE, IF THAT IS WHAT THEY WANTED. Plastic surgeons would be out of a job! Utahraptor: Only for like one day a month! T-Rex: Part of the research would be extending the effects 24/7! T-Rex: It would be a utopia, Utahraptor! All we need is for one werewolf to be brave enough to let Science experiment on him, and then we can ALL get a little of the sweet blood fever! Utahraptor: I thought that was vampires. T-Rex: They should do it too. Narrator: LATER: Off panel: [small] Hullo, T-Rex! I dressed up as a werewolf wearing a stethoscope to try to cheer you up! T-Rex (punchline): Oh, Mr. Tusks! I should call the police. You're so cute it's illegal! Off panel: [small] T-Rex I am also a vice mayor

this comic is based on a story where I was talking with a guy and the guy said 'ryan you sure do use a lot of exclamation marks' and I said 'we're talking! how can you tell if I'm using them or not?' and hold on wait this story's no good

T-Rex: I have received complaints. Apparently I use too many exclamation marks! APPARENTLY I AM TOO EXCITABLE. Well, not anymore! Today is a day of level-headedness! T-Rex: Starting right... NOW! T-Rex: So. How are you Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I'm fine, T-Rex! T-Rex: That's good. I'm fine too. Do I seem level-headed to you? It's because I am not exclaiming anything. I am calm and reserved. You might be reaching for a word. That word is "unflappable". Dromiceiomimus: Huh! I guess you do seem A LITTLE unflappable. Utahraptor: So you're altering your personality to suit - who? T-Rex: Complainants. T-Rex: I got a letter from an anonymous dude, and he said I exclaimed too much. So, here we are. Utahraptor: Man, you've got to keep exclaiming! Exclaiming is who you are! T-Rex: I will only start exclaiming again if I see something surprising. Off panel: Really! Well, have you ever seen a Utahraptor... PUT HIS ENTIRE FIST INTO HIS MOUTH?? T-Rex (punchline): SURE HAVEN'T!!!!

alternate ending: "HAH HAH HAH / WELP THAT WAS A WASTE OF A LITERALLY COLOSSAL AMOUNT OF TIME"

God: HEY T-REX HAVE YOU MADE A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION T-Rex: I totally have! And it is A SECRET! God: OKAY BUT THE THING IS NOTHING IS REALLY SECRET FROM ME GOD T-Rex: Except for... my resolution? God: T-REX I COULD RECREATE THE UNIVERSE WITH THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BEING YOU TELL ME YOUR RESOLUTION OR I COULD SET THINGS UP SO THAT YOU TELL IT THROUGH YOUR OWN FREE WILL OR I COULD READ YOUR MIND IF I WAS FEELING LAZY God: I GUESS I COULD READ YOUR DIARY IF I WERE FEELING SUPER LAZY T-Rex: Aha! But I didn't write it down in my REGULAR diary! God: AMONG MY TALENTS IS THE ABILITY TO READ SECRET BACKUP DIARIES Utahraptor: What didn't you write down? T-Rex: My new year's resolution! God's trying to trick me into revealing it, but it's TOTALLY not working. Utahraptor: Couldn't he just recreate the universe with the only diff- T-Rex: OKAY YES but if he DID, he'd have to wait BILLIONS OF YEARS just to get back to the point we're at now! Narrator: 13.75 ± 0.17 BILLION YEARS LATER: T-Rex (punchline): This year I resolve to stop stressing about my backhairs so much!! God: HAH HAH HAH God: AWESOME God: TOTALLY WORTH IT

what adult life is actually like: "ooh, a new kind of cream cheese! i - i should try this on a bagel."

Narrator: WHAT YOUNG T-REX THINKS ADULT LIFE WILL BE LIKE: T-Rex: I have lots of my own money so I can eat cookie dough whenever I want. I don't even have to cook it! T-Rex: I don't!! [no text] T-Rex: [thinks] My job is "astronaut" Narrator: THE END Narrator: WHAT TEEN T-REX THINKS ADULT LIFE WILL BE LIKE: T-Rex and Utahraptor: We're rich and have our own cars! T-Rex: yeah! T-Rex: Hey, remember when my mom switched off my computer for no reason and didn't even let me save my game? I bet she feels bad about it NOW and wishes she had been nicer to me NOW that I've MOVED OUT FOREVER just like I said I would!! T-Rex and Utahraptor: But it's too late! God: T-REX NOW YOU HAVE TO SHOW AN ALIEN WOMAN WHAT LOVE IS T-Rex: Oh, excellent! T-Rex (punchline): That's - that's just excellent!

my proudest achievement!

Narrator: COMICS WITH NON-TWIST ENDINGS T-Rex: I declare this day to be "stomp on houses" day! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Whoooo! Narrator: THE END Narrator: COMICS WITH TWISTS AND TURNS! Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! T-Rex: Hey there! Utahraptor: Listen, I was wondering if you- Narrator: HOLD ON TIGHT! Utahraptor: Um, listen, I- Narrator: SUDDENLY! Utahraptor: ... so, um, I was wondering if- Narrator: JUST THEN! Narrator: THE END! T-Rex (punchline): I can't hear you!

later: t-rex discovers that galaxies produce radio waves and those travel through him too, and he is satisfied / walks around yelling "I AM BECOME SPACE"

T-Rex: Hey everyone! Remember commercial radio? T-Rex: ...No? T-Rex: It's this thing your car can play when your mp3 player is broken? T-Rex: Anyway I totally listened to some yesterday! T-Rex: AND I CAN REPORT THE FOLLOWING: it's like mp3s, but some wacky jerk controls the music and every 15 minutes he stops everything to invite some really loud strangers to come yell about their products, which I guess seems normal to these people? Oh! And there's "call-in shows"! T-Rex: Near as I can tell, that's where you compete with other radio owners to read out the stupidest YouTube comments you've ever seen. Utahraptor: So don't listen to commercial radio, dude! T-Rex: But that doesn't solve the problem! T-Rex: I did some research into "radio waves" and they travel EVERYWHERE, even through brains! DJ chatter is LITERALLY MOVING INSIDE YOUR BRAIN 24/7. My whole body, polluted by people who think the best way to hear a song is to phone a stranger and ask if they can maybe work it in! Utahraptor: What?! T-Rex: I know, whenever I think about it I feel sick! I'm like this: T-Rex (punchline): Ohhh noooo, blegh

should i do the sex change first or save it for last? WHICH IS MORE INTERESTING??

T-Rex: There's all these really interesting and amazing people out there: People who know so many awesome things and DO so many awesome things that I'm like, "HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE??" T-Rex: That's what I'm like! T-Rex: And I want in! T-Rex: How did these people get to be so awesome? Did they start when they were young? When I was a kid, I just wanted to watch cartoons, but I really want to be amazing now. I want people to say "That T-Rex, you've got to know him! He's an amazing guy. So interesting, too!" Dromiceiomimus: I'll say that! T-Rex: It's not fair if you say it, Dromiceiomimus! I want STRANGERS to say it. Utahraptor: I bet we could just pay someo- T-Rex: I want strangers to say it WITHOUT COERCION. T-Rex: And I want them to be HONESTLY MOTIVATED in their remarks, you know? I'm not looking for a quick hack here. Utahraptor: Okay, well, then I'd say you should get interesting. Imagine the most interesting person EVER, and then strive to become that person! T-Rex: Okay! The most interesting person ever is a woman with robot parts who can hypnotize people and her limbs turn into rockets when she flies. And, when on MOUNTAIN missions, her legs turn into skis. T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): I've a long road ahead of me, it would seem

later: everything's fixed! phew, you guys!

Narrator: LET'S FIX ALL THE PROBLEMS T-Rex: The world is hella sweet, but it's full of problems too! Maybe we should fix 'em, huh? T-Rex: Maybe we should've fixed 'em like hundreds of years ago, huh?? T-Rex: But sometimes y'all are lazy, and that's fine. We'll just fix generations' worth of problems now, and leave the world a better and problem-free place in the future! No bigs, babies. We got this. Dromiceiomimus: What about if we... make new problems? T-Rex: Someone's doing that? Who's doing that?? T-Rex: Are you doing that?! Utahraptor: I've made a few problems, dude! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR, NO. Utahraptor: I'm sorry! I'm not proud of my problems, but they exist and we all need to acknowledge that. T-Rex: DUDE, we all agreed earlier not to make problems. We SIGNED A PIECE OF PAPER. Utahraptor: I know, I know! I'll get my problems under control. Today. HONEST. Narrator: LATER, THE OCEANS BOIL AS THE EARTH TURNS TO FIRE: T-Rex (punchline): UTAHRAPTOR, you said you'd get this under control!! Off panel: I KNOW, I'M SORRY I'M SORRY

OMNI CONSUMER PRODUCTS BUYS OUT THE US MILITARY AND OBTAINS WOPR AND MAKES IT FIGHT SKYNET. I HAVE CALCULATED THIS TO BE AN AMAZING TALE. LISTEN. COMPUTERS DO NOT MAKE MISTAKES, OKAY?

Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS today's film: Narrator: WARGAMES T-Rex: I am Matthew Broderick: computer hacker! T-Rex: And I've accidentally wardialed my way into a secret military computer that I mistake for a game developer's machine. I believe I will play this mysterious game called "GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR" Dromiceiomimus: Let's bomb Los Angeles! T-Rex: Kay! Incidentally, I use an acoustic coupler as a modem, and that's so retro it's cool again. Dromiceiomimus: No argument here Utahraptor: I'm a US Military Agent! T-Rex: Holy smokes! Utahraptor: You're under arrest for hacking into our computer and also it's still playing your game and it controls our nukes and it's definitely going to start WW ]|[ by launching them against the Soviets. Cold War, remember? T-Rex: No worries! I will teach it the MADness of its actions through zillions of tied games of Tic-Tac-Toe! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: [“computer” font] A strange game, Matthew Broderick. It seems the only winning move is not to play. T-Rex (punchline): Oh my God. I love this movie. Off panel: Man, me too! They should totally do a crossover with me and Skynet. Off panel: ERROR 22: IDEA IS TOO AWESOME

Oh hey, have you played my new game? It's like Tetris, only instead of controlling the blocks you just watch as the screen fills up faster and faster, and the only button you have is labelled "Oh crap oh crap".

T-Rex: I hope you have all saved up your $59.95 because my new video game is going to be amazing! And it will cost $59.95. Now you have all the facts you'll need to enjoy... T-Rex: Oh Crap, Who's Gonna Shoot These Bad Guys?? T-Rex: In OCWGSTBG??, there are some bad guys and we need to shoot them, but nobody knows who'll do it. Some say the player should do it, but the only button you have is labelled "1 2 3 Not me", and then when you press it that's what your character says. T-Rex: SOMETIMES after you say it, you shrug. Utahraptor: Then what happens? T-Rex: So much, Utahraptor! The whole game! T-Rex: The other computer characters talk it out and eventually one of them is elected to shoot the eponymous bad guys, and then you watch THEM play the game. It's so sweet. There's, like, explosions. Utahraptor: So the game plays itself. T-Rex: Hello? It's a lesson in DIGITAL STORYTELLING?? T-Rex: The lesson is, "sometimes it's fun to watch someone ELSE play video games for a while, maybe next time I'm over you should pass the controller over, Utahraptor"?? T-Rex (punchline): Ah yes, a moral I hold near and dear to my heart

he had his lawyer... draw it up?

T-Rex: Maybe I have been too hard on prenups. In a sense, they're sort of a Love Validator, right? Narrator: PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS: Narrator: WELL, MAYBE THIS IS THE DEAL T-Rex: Because if you have a prenup that says, "Wow, NOBODY'S getting rich off this marriage", then it's clear that nobody's getting married for the money. The only reason left is love! Dromiceiomimus: Or loneliness. T-Rex: Or love! The prenup is a way of announcing AND VERIFYING that you love them for Who They Are, not for what they've got in their pants! In their wallet in their pants. It was a great metaphor, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: You know, Judaism has long had the "ketubah", which is basically a prenup! T-Rex: Really! Utahraptor: Yep! It specifies divorce penalties but ALSO marital vows, and is hung up in the house. Prenups can mean a lot of different things to people! T-Rex: Huh! Maybe the best way to learn about prenups is to get one. Oh my gosh, Utahraptor!! Let's get a "friendship prenup"! Utahraptor: Hah! What? Narrator: LATER, T-REX HAS COMPLETED HIS PRENUP! WHAT'S IT SAY, T-REX? T-Rex: It says "Utahraptor! Don't steal my comics, UTAHRAPTOR." Then there's a drawing of him stealing my comics, with an x through it! T-Rex (punchline): A LAWYER drew it for me.

little vaudeville hats

Narrator: RECIPE COMICS Narrator: today's recipe: Narrator: VEGETABLES FOR BACHELORS Narrator: CUT AND SAVE! T-Rex: Eating vegetables can be a pain for today's breed of young, cool, somehow single men! T-Rex: The trick, Dromiceiomimus, is NOT to make vegetables fun. Nothing makes vegetables fun except using them as weapons (carrot swords, etc). T-Rex: The TRICK is to put all the vegetables into one easy-to-make, delicious dish! Dromiceiomimus: How do you do it? T-Rex: Well, I'm glad you asked! Utahraptor: You chop up 2 potatoes, 2 tomatoes, and one onion, and throw them all in a pot! Utahraptor: Then you add about 3 cups of spinach and 1/2 cup of water, and maybe a few chopped-up chili peppers if you like your vegetables like you like your women (spicy). T-Rex and Utahraptor: Cover and cook over medium heat until the potatoes are soft! T-Rex: Awesome! Okay, once more, from the top! T-Rex (punchline): This is going to be the best talent show ever!

Dentist Society: like regular society, but oh man, if you fail to brush your teeth after lunch, oh man, oh man

T-Rex: Which dude has a dentist appointment?! Throw your hands up if you're the dude who has a dentist appointment! T-Rex: Hollah Dromiceiomimus: The dentist office over here is out of business, T-Rex! The dentist said his only regret in life was that he could never persuade you to floss regularly, as since that embarrassing failing became public he has been branded a professional failure, lost his Dentist Degree, and made a pariah in Dentist Society. T-Rex: WHAT?! Really? T-Rex: I had no idea dentists were so intense!! T-Rex: At least by rotating 180 degrees, I can correct my course to the other dentist's office! Utahraptor: Super! Utahraptor: Except that dentist's office is ALSO closed forever, T-Rex!! The dentist told me through sobs he lost all his customers because you never floss. T-Rex: WHAT?! Utahraptor: And then the dentist and his family all died from starvation. ALL BECAUSE YOU Utahraptor: DIDN'T Utahraptor: FLOSS T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Whatever man, flossing is BORING

if you randomly typed in 'qwantz.com' to your browser looking for topless friends, then boy! you are partially in luck!

God: HEY T-REX God: TODAY IS THE DAY WHEN EVERYONE HAS TO TELL A STORY FROM THEIR PAST BEGINNING WITH "I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET TOPLESS" T-Rex: Denied! T-Rex: TODAY is the day we talk about meritocracy! T-Rex: In a meritocracy all jobs, including government jobs, are assigned based on MERIT. So if you're the best at a job then it's yours, regardless of your sex or gender or race or stupid mustachio or anything! Dromiceiomimus: But what if I'm awesome at set design while also truly despising all aspects of set design? T-Rex: Then you wouldn't actually be the best! You'd get some other job you're better at. The result: PURE UNCUT UTOPIA. Utahraptor: Yeah, the only problem is there's absolutely no way to accurately judge merit! T-Rex: Sure there is! Utahraptor: No way dude! You'd have to know the exact skills AND future potential of EVERYONE. If you had some omniscient and impartial third party then MAYBE, but you'll never get rid of cronyism when you have regular dudes trying to determine who's best. There's too much potential for authoritarianism and corruption! T-Rex (punchline): God! Can YOU be an omniscient and impartial third party for me? God: HEY YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER THAN TALKING ABOUT MERITOCRACY God: TOPLESS God: FRIGGIN God: FRIENDS

if i had the means, i would seriously produce dinosaur comics bbq sauce: mild weaksauce, and spicy burnsauce with a side of ZING

T-Rex: I have made another exciting music-themed discovery: T-Rex: Any song can have its lyrics replaced with variations on the word "chimichangas"! T-Rex: For example: "Chim chimi chang chim chimi chang chimichangas!" Dromiceiomimus: I - I don't recognize that song. T-Rex: Come on! Everyone knows it. Utahraptor: This is one weaksauce discovery, T-Rex! T-Rex: You wound me! Utahraptor: Well, sorry! But come on, this is just a variation on scat, only for some reason you're limiting yourself to a single Mexican food. T-Rex: [small] it works really well with songs from Mary Poppins Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex (punchline): What a delightful film!

pedophile jokes, here at qwantz.com! also: HELLO GOVERNMENT WATCHDOGS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR KEYWORD LOOKUPS. I HOPE YOU ENJOY MY COMIC TODAY

T-Rex: I don't want to be a police officer, and the reason is simple! T-Rex: I would end up hating everyone! T-Rex: Not only would I meet rapists and murderers KINDA OFTEN, I GUESS, but I'd also regularly see domestic violence, petty crime, people being mean to each other, chicks and dudes who punch each other in the head, chicks and dudes who punch each other in the head with knives this time, and so on. Not cool! After seeing that day in and day out, I would start to suspect that everyone sucks and has a case of the ILLEGAL CRAZIES. I'd lose my optimism and faith in the world! Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is basically the spotlight fallacy! T-Rex: You think so? Utahraptor: Yeah! By being a cop, you'd automatically see people who require the services of cops way more often than those who don't. You're biasing your data set the same way that folks who see well publicized reports about "Pedophiles! On the INTERNET!!" do when they conclude that everyone online is big into kids. T-Rex: Well, to be fair, Benny's a pedophile, and he's on the internet. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BENNY?? Off panel: I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!! I am a LEDOPHILE, that is to say, an enthusiast of the tiny Indian village of Ledo! T-Rex (punchline): Benny, look, you gotta find a better name for that.

i'm not sure about his inductive premise, but hey

T-Rex: What is the meaning of life? By this I mean, how should I best live my life? Narrator: THE MEANING OF LIFE T-Rex: More concretely: what can I do NOW that is meaningful and justified and purposeful and not - pointlessly absurd? Dromiceiomimus: These are big questions, my friend! T-Rex: I know, Dromiceiomimus, I know! But I'm sick of that being used as an excuse. I am demanding BIG ANSWERS. There must be some way to arrive at a solution! Utahraptor: I don't know if there is, T-Rex! T-Rex: Well - I have an idea. T-Rex: Okay: so I don't know what the meaning of life is; fine. But, I do know that others MIGHT. So, inductively, the only thing I can do is try to make life easier for these other people, until such a time that they figure it out and let me know! Utahraptor: So you become a dentist? T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex (punchline): What?

infinite time is distinct from infinity time, which is actually what i like to shout in a deep baritone just before kissing someone

T-Rex: I just realized that if the universe lasts forever - infinitely forever - then anything that CAN happen WILL happen! It has to, because of infinite time! T-Rex: Infinite time! Kick ASS! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, isn't the current scientific thinking that the universe will expand forever, but in doing so become a lifeless frozen expanse just above absolute zero due to increases in entropy? T-Rex: But Dromiceiomimus - infinite time! That means that the possibilities are ENDLESS! There must be a timeframe where we're all pirates or whatever. Utahraptor: That's not necessarily the case, you know! T-Rex: Dude! INFINITE time. Things get CRAZY. Utahraptor: I understand the concept, T-Rex! But while it's true that things with small probabilities would be guaranteed to occur, things with zero probability still wouldn't take place, even with infinite time! And I don't see how you're going to get around the entropy problem. T-Rex: Yes, but - Narrator: TWENTY TRILLION YEARS LATER: T-Rex: - our understanding of entropy could be wrong! Off panel: Yes, but it's not rational to assume that's the case. T-Rex (punchline): That's true!

oh, hey mom! what's up?

Narrator: YOU DON'T KNOW ME BUT I LIKE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS Narrator: a web "card" T-Rex: Your email address! It's - T-Rex: It's SO GOOD. T-Rex: Maybe it's [email protected], [email protected], OR [email protected]. Any of those are good. Dromiceiomimus: But not great. T-Rex: GOOD, but not great. T-Rex: The focus on partying appeals, though! Utahraptor: Okay, but the point of this card is that the recipient doesn't know the sender! T-Rex: Right! T-Rex: The sender's weird. I'm gonna assume she's a woman! She types in random email addresses she thinks are cool and then sends them web cards. What's her deal? Utahraptor: [email protected]. T-Rex: EXACTLY. Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: T-Rex: What's this, an email? From [email protected]? T-Rex (punchline): How INTRIGUING!

alternate ending: t-rex finds an old diary of his while cleaning, flips through it, finds a random entry, and wonders what would ever have compelled him to write the phrase 'brainstorming the castle'. he feels like he'd like to distance himself from his past self. he sits quietly for a while.

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for cleaning up my house. Goodness! Narrator: BACKSTORY: T-REX'S HOUSE IS MESSY? T-Rex: I will clean it up REALLY well. I will mop the floors! I will mop the walls or whatever. I will tear the house down and REBUILD it, metaphorically speaking. I'm illustrating this metaphor by literally stomping on this house! Dromiceiomimus: That's very apt, T-Rex. T-Rex: Thanks! Utahraptor: And - your metaphor includes stomping on women, somehow? T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: For you see, the woman represents years of build-up of grime and dirt. By stomping on her I illustrate cleaning power - not of any household cleaner, but of simply applying yourself! Utahraptor: To her. T-Rex: Yes! To grime and dirt! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Am I the only dude who truly wishes it were possible to clean a house with METAPHORS??

the boat describes a perfect arc into the sky. its hull blocks your view of the sun as it peaks and seems to hover for a second, dazzlingly, impossibly, until it descends, faster and faster, its anchor trailing behind it like a cape. pew pew.

T-Rex: Alright, I'll say it: speeding music up makes songs sound ridiculous. T-Rex: There must be a way to capitalize on this!! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I believe this has already been capitalized on... by Alvin and his associated Chipmunks? T-Rex: Right, right. Okay. Well, um, slowing DOWN music makes it sound ridiculous AND boring. Maybe I can capitalize on that! Or maybe I can play it slow, and then fast, and then slow again. And then reverse slow? Utahraptor: Maybe you can just enjoy music and not try to make money off it by playing it oddly? T-Rex: Utahraptor, PLEASE. T-Rex: You're the guy lounging in his boat. I'm the guy on shore, strapping boats into a colossal trebuchet and firing them into the sky. Oh snap! There one goes now. You idly glance up, a hand trailing in the water. Can you see it? Utahraptor: W- T-Rex: You can see it. T-Rex: You have trouble processing it as the boat descends towards you, but then - you realize! It's all an analogy for how you like boring regular music and I'm busy inventing the FUTURE!! Off panel: I paddle really fast! T-Rex (punchline): It's too late! Your last words are "T-Rex was right, that was sweeeeeeeeeet"!

auxiliary verbs are still allowed, i guess

T-Rex: Man, forget verbs! T-Rex: You heard me! T-Rex: From now on, I am all about other, less complex parts of speech. Verbs don't understand me! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe you don't understand verbs? T-Rex: Maybe ADJECTIVES wouldn't force us to have such conversations! Utahraptor: Okay T-Rex, I'm not sure what's going on here, but without verbs we cannot run or play or smile or even be! T-Rex: True! But, we can awesome! T-Rex: And we can sexy! Utahraptor: We can certainly sexy, that's true! T-Rex: [large] ! T-Rex: "We can sexy" is totally going to be my epitaph! T-Rex (punchline): For reals!

originally the t-rex was going to travel back to 4 years ago to have that affair he could never remember, and it would tie the whole comic together, but then it was like, dude, you're just writing a sexy dinosaur version of 'babylon squared'

Narrator: AN ADVENTURE THROUGH TIME T-Rex: Oh boy! Today is a good day I think for an adventure through time! T-Rex: So long, Dromiceiomimus! I'm about to travel back to the age of di- back to long ago! Dromiceiomimus: So long T-Rex! I hope you don't become your own grandfather! Utahraptor: Ooh, can I come along on the adventure through time? Please? T-Rex: Well... okay! T-Rex: But you have to promise to let ME choose the time period, and you're not allowed to try to set things up so you become king, alright? Utahraptor: Sure! Fine! T-Rex: Cause I read your weblog last week, and you were all, "I want to go back in time and set it up so I become king!" T-Rex: Your current mood was 'kingly'! T-Rex (punchline): I thought to myself, "T-Rex, you'd better make a note of this!"

it's always best to talk back to big media like they're lassie. what's that, television? you say traffic volume is high in the downtown core? we've got to do something!!

Narrator: EARLY ONE MORNING: Off panel: Police report a rash of interior vandalism: members of the public are waking up to find their interior walls defaced! T-Rex: What's that, radio? T-Rex: Street artists have moved indoors? T-Rex: But I have an indoors!! Narrator: SECONDS LATER: T-Rex: Aw man! T-Rex: Actually... it's a pretty good likeness? Narrator: THAT AFTERNOON: Utahraptor: T-Rex!! Did you draw yourself in my kitchen giving a thumbs up? T-Rex: It wasn't me! T-Rex: In fact, someone drew Dromiceiomimus and a house and a car in MY kitchen! Utahraptor: Hey - if that's the case, maybe Dromiceiomimus got an illustration of me? T-Rex: Let's pay her a visit and find out! Narrator: DROMICEIOMIMUS'S HOUSE: T-Rex (punchline): I've got boner fever!! Off panel: What? What an outrageous illustration!! Off panel: That fever has long since PASSED

meanwhile, sony is slowly driving by in a matte black truck, snapping pictures the entire time.

T-Rex: I am not a dude who loves big companies. T-Rex: ...Sometimes I like their products? T-Rex: But I don't feel chummy with Microsoft, or that Sony is going to come over, eat pizza with me, and talk about the women he likes! No. Sony is going to come over and ruffle through my CD collection, then go into the bathroom and call the cops on his cell phone. Sony is going to write swears on my bathroom mirror with lipstick and blame it on Nestlé. T-Rex: SONY is going to be stone cold sober the entire time. Utahraptor: But let me guess: there's one big company that you really like? T-Rex: There is indeed!! T-Rex: NINTENDO. I guess they got me when I was young and uncritical, but I really LIKE them, you know? When they do well, I seriously think, "Aw, that's nice. Good for them!" Utahraptor: When multinationals do well, I usually feel like that's bad news for me. T-Rex: Me too! But not with Nintendo! T-Rex: You know what would go down if Nintendo came over? I'd say, "Oh, hello, Nintendo! It's so nice to see you again!" T-Rex: "Aw, shucks! I guess it IS true that you're never too old to hug, Nintendo!" T-Rex (punchline): "Nintendo, I just... I JUST WISH I HAD A SISTER YOU COULD MARRY."

in this version adam and eve are dinosaurs, adam is a huge t-rex and eve is a bigger t-rex, guys, it's way better

Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Narrator: Today's origin story: ALL LIFE (in the Judeo-Christian tradition) T-Rex: I'm God and I'm going to create life! God: INTERESTING T-Rex: Okay so first off I'm going to invent the week! Monday's for inventing light, Tuesday's for inventing sky, Wednesday's for inventing stars and moons, Thursday's for inventing land and trees, Friday's for inventing sea beasts and birds, and Saturdays's for inventing animals and dinosaurs and humans! Sunday's for chillaxin'. God: I GOTTA SAY God: THAT IS A PRETTY GOOD GIST OF WHAT HAPPENED T-Rex: And now I'm going to put everyone into a big garden! Nobody eat the fruit of one particular tree, okay?! Utahraptor: Okay! Utahraptor: But I gotta say, there's this one forbidden tree that has this AMAZING fruit and you should definitely eat some right away. T-Rex: Okay! Utahraptor: AWESOME. God: T-REX ADAM AND EVE ARE THE ONES WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO EAT FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE YOU'RE GOD IN THIS STORY REMEMBER T-Rex (punchline): Oops. Oh well! God: IT'S JUST God: THAT IS SOME HELLA CONFUSING SYMBOLISM

a lesson was learned but the damage was irreversible

T-Rex: I've come to accept that I will be able to live down anything I do, given enough time! T-Rex: So: no worries! Dromiceiomimus: That's a healthy attitude, T-Rex! It'll let you explore things you otherwise might not, because you won't be worried about what others think! T-Rex: Exactly! I am a well-adjusted dinosaur. Utahraptor: Wait, let me talk to you before you go too far with this! T-Rex: Sure! What's up? Utahraptor: Well - it's just, you tend to take ideas to comedic extremes. So I just wanted to make sure you remember that you shouldn't dismiss the opinions of others entirely! T-Rex: Of course! "Social Constraints Serve A Useful Purpose"! T-Rex (punchline): I remember from the trial!

people say that i'm too frugal / but i got salt tips you can't google

T-Rex: Some rappers brag too much! T-Rex: That's right! I said it! T-Rex: EARLY hip hop was more concerned with how fun it was to be rapping to the beat, and with assuring us that what we were hearing was not a test. I miss those days! Dromiceiomimus: You miss one song in particular that you listen to twice a day really loud? T-Rex: TRUE. But I miss it when it's not those times when I do that! Utahraptor: So what do you want raps about? T-Rex: New subjects! T-Rex: Let's have songs about REAL LIFE: raps about running out of salt and thinking "wow when was the last time I bought salt?". Raps about thinking how ridiculous it is to have to buy salt when it's in the oceans for free. Raps about considering if you could take extra salt off the sidewalk in winter and save money that way. Is it edible? T-Rex: It's all salt, right? If it's dirty, I could wash it. I mean, it would dissolve, but then I could evaporate that water and recover the salt! Off panel: T-Rex, do you... want some salt? T-Rex (punchline): No man, I got this

rejected first lines: someone's brain is wheezing for a teasing / freezing for a teasing / sneezing for a teasing / seizing for a teasing

T-Rex: Oh snap! Someone's brain is squeezing for a teasing! It must be T-Rex: BRAIN TEASER THURSDAY T-Rex: Okay! You invited five people over for dinner. Alice hates Bob, Bob hates Alice, Cathy hates Alice and Bob, Donny hates himself 'cause he drinks, and Earl loves to hear Earl talk. How can you seat everyone so that they're all satisfied? Dromiceiomimus: ...Ask that they seat themselves and expect them to act like adults? T-Rex: CORRECT! Utahraptor: That wasn't a PARTICULARLY great brain teaser, T-Rex! T-Rex: Okay, try this one on for size!! T-Rex: A flapper has some dresses: five times as many awesome ones as she has rad dresses, and fifteen sweet dresses for every awesome dress. How many nice dresses does she have?? Utahraptor: Impossible to say. T-Rex: INCORRECT! T-Rex: "Nice" is a proper superset of "awesome", "sweet", and "rad", therefore she has at least a couple nice dresses. Oh snap! T-Rex: BRAIN TEASER THURSDAY!!! T-Rex (punchline): has been a fiasco; I should've prepared way better

dudes this is the second time the lyrics to "the fresh prince of bel-air" have featured prominently in my comic. I DO BELIEVE IT WILL NOT BE THE LAST

T-Rex: There are tons of phrases in the English language that I can never use because they've already been claimed by someone else! T-Rex: What the heck, English? T-Rex: If I want to give a very serious and momentous speech about the history of war, I can! But if I also want it to begin with "Now this is a story all about how some lives got flipped, turned upside down"? I CAN'T. It is a perfectly awesome introductory phrase that is forbidden to me - unless I'm cool with my audience being distracted by thoughts about a sassy young Willard Smith! Fresh Prince used scorched earth tactics when withdrawing from the phrase. Utahraptor: Why don't you just ignore all that and use it anyway? T-Rex: It doesn't work! T-Rex: Even if I'M ignoring it, my audience won't know to! I'll be explaining the origins of conflict as hard as I friggin' can, but they'll all be hopelessly distracted by thoughts of chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school! Utahraptor: Well then - phrase it differently! Narrator: SPEECH DAY: T-Rex: The history of war is a journey. A narrative. A story that, at its core, is all about how some lives become turned upside-down by conflict: "flipped" if you will. T-Rex (punchline): FRIG IT'S STILL A REFERENCE

FORREST GUMP: a problem athlete who wants to team up with an attractive jerk. *BASICALLY* THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS, YOU ALL SAW IT

Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS CHARACTER GENERATOR T-Rex: Need a character for your story, play, movie, and/or erotic fiction? NO PROBLEM! Simply choose one option from each set! T-Rex: Your character is a(n)... T-Rex: meat / robot / urban / silver / animal / sex / fruit / adult / child / famed / licensed / problem T-Rex: stylist / engineer / astronaut / ecologist / planner / model / smith / dancer / producer / lawyer / loner / priest / criminal / prodigy / terrorist / dinosaur / clone / athlete / head of state Dromiceiomimus: who wants to T-Rex: create / destroy / get over / bewitch / unmask / sex up / steal / hug / give birth to / team up with / profit from Dromiceiomimus: a(n) Utahraptor: meaty / famous / infamous / wide-eyed / sullen / attractive / competing / powerful / space / hairy / social T-Rex: teen / doctor / ghost / artist / surgeon / corsetière / superhero / cartoonist / spouse / dog / religion / medical health professional / senior / telepath / jerk / family Utahraptor: but is blocked in this desire by a(n) T-Rex: [go to panel two and play recursively] / [choose any ol' noun from the dictionary] T-Rex: STAR WARS: your character is a child prodigy who wants to destroy a space jerk! HAMLET: your character is a problem head of state who wants to unmask a powerful senior. THIS WORKS. DONE. THANK ME LATER. T-Rex (punchline): ...WITH A 5% ROYALTY SHARE ON GROSS.

and why is it suddenly so ILLEGAL?

T-Rex: I am sick, but not in a good way. In a sore throat way. I am well and truly under the weather! T-Rex: Me! Sick! T-Rex: I never get sick. My sculpted body is invincible to all but the strongest strains of disease and malcontent! Dromiceiomimus: You got sick a few months ago, remember? Nobody was allowed to kiss you? T-Rex: Okay yeah, but this is a REAL sickness! This is a serious "I should stay in bed so I don't INFECT MY FRIENDS" sickness. Utahraptor: Aw man, are you infecting us right now?? Go back to bed! T-Rex: No, but - T-Rex: But I thought we - we could get through this disease... together? Utahraptor: Hah! Nuh uh! You thought you were bored resting in bed, so you'd come out out here entertain yourself by talking to us! Meanwhile WE'RE getting disease all up in our trouser shorts. Narrator: SOON EVERYONE GETS SICK AND IT'S ALL T-REX'S FAULT: T-Rex (punchline): What is this emotion called "criminal negligence"?

the more i think about it the more i think it's really ridiculous that i'd ever stub my toes

T-Rex: Maybe there IS actually a personal benefit to being mortal and dying one day. T-Rex: I know, IT SOUNDS CRAZY, but stay with me! T-Rex: We mortal people get an end to pain that immortal dudes never get. Unlike immortal dudes, there's a finite number of times I'm going to stub my toe so hard that it breaks. One time I'll stub my toe and it'll break and I'll be able to say, "There, that's done with. I'm never stubbing my toe THAT friggin' hard again. I can finally put this TOTALLY RIDICULOUS aspect of being alive behind me." - even if I could never know it at the time! Utahraptor: One time when you say it, you'll have to be right! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: So now when something bad happens, I'll assume I'll die soon, so it's the last time it'll ever happen to me. I'll be able to sigh and just let it go. Utahraptor: "That's the last time I'm puking into my crotch"? T-Rex: Exactly! I'm not stubbing THESE toes any more! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: FRIG I STUBBED MY TOES AGAIN! T-Rex: WHAT T-Rex: IS T-Rex: THE T-Rex: DEAL T-Rex: WITH T-Rex (punchline): STUBBED TOES THAT HURT REALLY BAD

backstory: there's this guy who hangs out downtown and like, jumps on people who have just messed up, handing out fully stamped passports for failure towne. he's kind of a dick?

T-Rex: Why can't I say two things at the same time? I've tried just now and all I got out of it was a passport stamped for FAILURE TOWNE. God: FAILURE TOWNE IS ITS OWN INDEPENDENT NATION HUH T-Rex: Apparently, dude! T-Rex: But saying a word is just generating a sound wave, right? I could record myself twice saying different things, and then superimpose their waves to get a new one! Then all I'd need to do is train myself to produce THAT wave and it would sound like I'm saying two things at once! I could even do it by rote. Then when people ask me to do things, I could say "yes" and "no" at the same time, and then they'd probably dislike me a little. Utahraptor: I think we've got physical limitations that prevent this! T-Rex: Balderdash! T-Rex: You're just saying that because you've never seen it done, dear friend! But I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna figure out how to shape my tongue and mouth and vocal cords to generate the appropriate waveform, and then I'm gonna TRAVEL THE WORLD, saying two things at once. Utahraptor: Okay! Narrator: THE LITTLE VOICE IN T-REX'S HEAD: T-Rex: Hey, T-Rex! T-Rex: T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): You would actually prefer to stay at home and renew old friendships

ALSO: A SKELETON

T-Rex: I don't have a son, but if I did, I'd have no idea what to name him. T-Rex: But I've got great names for everyone else's hypothetical sons! T-Rex: For example, Dromiceiomimus, if YOU had a son, a great name for him would be DromiceioHEmus. Eh? ...Since he's a man, I thought we should emphasize that in his name. Dromiceiomimus: Thanks for the - unsolicited naming advice for children I don't have? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! NO WORRIES. Utahraptor: Okay, what if I had a son... WHO WAS ALSO A DOG? T-Rex: Nice try, Utahraptor! T-Rex: You're trying to trip me up here but I'm ALSO rad at dog names; your dog will be named after the Star Trek physician and be called "Doctor McCoy". Utahraptor: That's a bit rand- T-Rex: "Bones" for short. T-Rex and Utahraptor: NICE. T-Rex: If nobody else will say it, I will! T-Rex (punchline): THAT WAS AN EXTREMELY EXCELLENT NAME FOR A DOG.

as you can see in this remarkable relic from the early 21st century, disaster strikes

Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH DISASTER STRIKES! T-Rex: Here is a list of things that I've burnt: T-Rex: • Toast! T-Rex: • My house! T-Rex: • Dinner! T-Rex: • My fingers! T-Rex: • RUBBER. Utahraptor: You're forgetting one! T-Rex: Which? Utahraptor: • Bridges? T-Rex: Oh, that's very funny, Utahrapt- Narrator: JUST AT THAT MOMENT, DISASTER STRIKES! T-Rex (punchline): [with red lines above his head] Look out behind you!!

'once again?'

T-Rex: I was thinking about my grade-school days last night, and I realized I couldn't remember most of the people who were in my classes! T-Rex: I've forgotten pretty much everyone who didn't go on to the same high school as I did! T-Rex: This has raised some pretty profound questions for me. First off, it seems evident that I have finite space in my brain, and things are getting erased. T-Rex: The problem is, I don't have any control - conscious at least - over what gets deleted and what stays. Utahraptor: And you're concerned because you don't know who you are if you can't even trust your memories, right? T-Rex: Right. I'd say a good part of who a person is comes from their experiences - but if they are forgotten, where does that leave the person? Utahraptor: I suppose this comes down to whether or not you believe there is some essential part of you, something more than the sum of your experiences. T-Rex: There's only one way to find out! It seems that, once again, I will have to contract... T-Rex (punchline): AMNESIA! Narrator: TO BE CONTINUED...

Welcome to Old Age, where your body begins to fail in new and surprising ways. Visit sunny Old Age. It's ALMOST MANDATORY.

T-Rex: And so in conclusion, that's where babies come from. T-Rex: Wait! WAIT. T-Rex: And so in Conclusion, that's where babies come from! T-Rex: Conclusion is a magical town where we're concerned with how a lot of things happen differently, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: In Conclusion, bananas are the best fruit? T-Rex: Hah! Too bad we're not in Conclusion, Dromiceiomimus. APPLES RULE Utahraptor: In Conclusion, some animals are poison! T-Rex: Yikes! Sounds awful. Let's not visit there. Utahraptor: Yes. In Hindsight, this was a bad idea. T-Rex: Hindsight!! Oh my gosh let's move there, let's all be aware of our mistakes before we make them. PLEASE LET'S DO THIS. Utahraptor: You can move to Hindsight, dude. I'm moving to a town called... "THE FUTURE". T-Rex: No, Utahraptor, don't do it!! In The Future, you get old and DIE. Off panel: But in The Future, we all have hoverbeds! T-Rex: IT'S NOT WORTH IT T-Rex: MAYBE T-Rex (punchline): LISTEN, TELL ME MORE ABOUT THESE HOVERBEDS

here's to another uneventful day here at the bottom of a hole! yes sir, there's definitely nothing that could ruin this presumably-sunny day! wait, what's that - a whistling sound, as if a high-pitched and airy slide whistle is slowly descending to a lower note??

T-Rex: Most of the time, we avoid doing things that have a serious chance of hurting us! Thanks, instinct for self-preservation! T-Rex: You make skydiving more interesting! T-Rex: But obviously there's risk in ALL sorts of things we do, even if we're not skydiving. I could choke when I eat a sammich or I could get hit by a satellite if I go outdoors! Dromiceiomimus: And yet, you go outdoors often, and eat sammiches even MORE often! T-Rex: Because I'm such a PICNIC BADASS?? Utahraptor: By that logic, you cheat death constantly. T-Rex: Because I'm such an OVERALL, ALWAYS-ON BADASS?? T-Rex: When I eat I'm SPITTING AT DEATH IN THE FACE, and you know that's extra gross because I've got chewed-up food in my mouth. Outdoors there's a constant chance of getting hit by a falling object, or falling into a hole and BECOMING that falling object that hits someone else AND YET HERE I AM. Yeah, I'm pretty much awesome. Narrator: LATER, T-REX WALKS DOWN SOME STAIRS WITHOUT DYING: T-Rex: AW YEAH, BABY. Women want me! Men want to BE me! T-Rex: Some men want me too! And some women don't want me! A lot of women don't even know I exist! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): I'm going back upstairs, it sucks down here!

Dude I Just Wanna Smooch On A Pretty Face: my journey towards getting good at picking up the ladies in which I somehow keep getting worse at it

T-Rex: Ah, the age-old question: what do women want? God: OXYGEN God: THE OBVIOUS EXCEPTION BEING WOMEN WHO DO NOT RESPIRATE OXYGEN T-Rex: No, when I say "what do women want" I mean - Utahraptor: An organized body! Utahraptor: Also homeostasis, a higher anabolism rate than their catabolism rate, and the abilities to change over time in response to their environment and to respond to stimuli, usually through motion! T-Rex: HELLO, THESE ARE THE CHARACTERISTICS OF ALL LIFE. Utahraptor: Are women not alive? Off panel: If you prick them, do they not adjust the regulation of their internal state? If you wrong them, shall they not consider revenge, if indeed they possess the ability to perform that act and can consider speculative futures? T-Rex (punchline): Dude I just wanna smooch on a pretty face

i totally stole these jokes from my friend anneke and also actually think they're really good

Narrator: "DINOSAUR LAFFS" featuring t-rex the dinosaur T-Rex: Hey God! Check this out! God: OKAY T-Rex: A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?" God: T-REX I'M GOD AND I SAY THAT IS NOT A VERY GOOD JOKE T-Rex: What?! It was awesome! T-Rex: HORSES have long faces! T-Rex: LITERAL long faces! T-Rex: I bet you don't know much about good jokes anyway! God: WELL ACTUALLY Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh hey Utahraptor! Check this out: a dog with a missing foot hobbles into a bar and drawls "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"! Utahraptor: Huh? T-Rex: Because sometimes cowboys' parents got shot? Utahraptor: Oh! Oh man - that is an awful joke! God: TELL HIM I'M GOD AND I AGREE WITH HIS ACCURATE ASSESSMENT T-Rex (punchline): I won't! God: BUT YOU AGREE IT'S AN ACCURATE ASSESSMENT THOUGH RIGHT God: IT'S PRETTY ACCURATE

a few weeks ago t-rex said he had too many friends already. that's, um, that's no longer a problem

T-Rex: Adding "you may quote me" after any sentence makes me seem awesome! You may quote me. T-Rex: You guys, too many songs are sad!! You may quote me. T-Rex: I hate it when you're watching a movie with your parents and there's a sex scene! Yes, you may quote me. Dromiceiomimus: Sometimes I don't reply to emails and then tell people that my spam filter got them. YOU may quote me. T-Rex: For breakfast I dined on the unfertilized eggs of a chicken. You may quote me now. Utahraptor: I think this kinda just makes you sound like an egotistical jerk! T-Rex: Ouch! T-Rex: Utahraptor, sometimes - sometimes I wish you wouldn't call me such awful things like that. You may quote me. Utahraptor: Okay, I feel bad. Mainly for the first part of what you said though. Still, I'm sorry. T-Rex: Apology accepted. T-Rex: ...And you may quote me! Narrator: LATER, T-REX STOPS SAYING "YOU MAY QUOTE ME" BECAUSE HE REALIZES HE LIKES HAVING PALS: T-Rex: Yay pals! And yes, YOU MAY QUO- T-Rex (punchline): ...um, I mean, "you may quo-estion individual agency given the reality of societal constraints".

grandma i have never disagreed with you before, but i must refuse to believe this was what fun was like when you were a kid

T-Rex: Sometimes we do awful things in our lives, even if we don't know it. Sometimes the only proof that we've made mistakes - terrible mistakes the UNIVERSE ITSELF punishes us for - is that we look around and find we're playing... Monopoly. Narrator: MONOPOLY AS SHE IS PLAYED T-Rex: The object of Monopoly is to fully explore the sensations of boredom, sorrow and rage. In this sense, EVERYONE'S a winner, as it'll become clear in the first 30 minutes that you've lost, yet the game will grind on for hours and hours after that. It is during this time that you will explore these emotions. It is during this time that you will wonder what you did to deserve this. T-Rex: It is during this time that you will begin to despise the Brothers Parker. Utahraptor: But what if you're the winning player? T-Rex: Oh, then it's an entirely different game! T-Rex: In THAT case, your prize is watching friendships die, turn by endless turn. Your only hope is that someone gets SO MAD that they flip the table and end the game early. Utahraptor: That sounds terrible. T-Rex: That is the bestselling board game on the planet, Utahraptor. What is WRONG with us?? T-Rex: My best theory is that the criminally insane are buying up all the copies, concealing them under their jackets, and smuggling them into cottages the world over. T-Rex: Oh! T-Rex (punchline): And grandma's house

i admit: panel five actually based on a true story

T-Rex: I hope I don't run into the Dromiceiomimus today! She probably thinks I'm crazy since I asked for a "thigh five" the last time we met. T-Rex: Oh shoot, there she is! Time to go INCOGNITO! Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex, what's up? Out for a walk, I see? T-Rex: T-Rex? Who es T-Rex? I am a different, um, Tyrannosaurus Rex. Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah, really? You're not the T-Rex who demands thigh fives from his friends? T-Rex: Darn it! T-Rex: She remembers! I'll never live this down! Utahraptor: What are you so concerned about? Utahraptor: It was just a wacky slip of the tongue! It's funny - this one time in high school, a friend of mine meant to type "I raised my HAND to block the sun" but instead wrote "hind", and since he wasn't the slimmest guy... oh man! Utahraptor: Good times, good times! God: OH MAN I FORGOT ABOUT THAT ONE T-Rex (punchline): People laugh at typos in heaven?! God: SOMETIMES WE DO

And in advanced classes it's taught that the letters K, Q, J, are somehow equal to 10 - and worse, that an A can equal 1 OR 11, which is dumb, because Roman numerals don't even work that way. Listen, nobody comes out of blackjack smelling like roses.

T-Rex: Sometimes adults grow up stupid and need to be reminded what 2 + 2 is equal to! When this happens, adults go to a special remedial building and practice adding up numbers together! Narrator: BLACKJACK AS SHE IS PLAYED T-Rex: The "dealer" is the one who has to deal with these guys. He gives each adult some cards with numbers on them - as many as they want - and so that nobody gets any confusion in their li'l heads, the numbers are printed both rightside up and upside down on each card. The stupid adults then add up their numbers! Dromiceiomimus: Then what happens? T-Rex: Then they're all the next contestants on... The Price Is Right! T-Rex: The home edition, anyway. Utahraptor: Explain! T-Rex: They each use their cards to guess a secret number: the closest without going over wins a prize! But that was too confusing for them, so now the secret number's always 21. They guess a number WHOSE VALUE IS PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE, and yet they still mostly lose. Utahraptor: Sounds depressing! T-Rex: Yep! To counteract THAT, the remedial addition schools are full of fun flashing lights. They're called "CASINOS", short for "Can't Add? Suck at Identifying Numbers? Over here, Suckers!" T-Rex (punchline): Ssh! It's a secret! Don't tell the stupid adults!!

'num num num' being, of course, the iso standard sound effect for munchin on toenails instead of just answering a simple question

Narrator: THE SEXIEST JOB COMPETITION: T-Rex: The sexiest job competition is tasked with finding out who has the sexiest job. We must begin! Narrator: BEING T-REX: T-Rex: Congratulations self! You are our leading candidate! Narrator: GUY WHO GIVES OUT PARKING TICKETS AND IS REALLY KIND OF A JERK ABOUT IT: T-Rex: You do a profoundly unpopular job. I am sorry to announce that yours is the least sexy job thus far. Dromiceiomimus: Why do you have to be kind of a jerk about it, parking ticket guy? Narrator: INTERNET CARTOONIST: Utahraptor: That's pretty sexy, I'm told! T-Rex: I'd do anyone who has their own website! Narrator: GUY WHO BITES HIS OWN TOENAILS: T-Rex: I respect how you've made a career out of it, yet, it's still gross! Utahraptor: But he's not even biting the toenails of others. I'm confused on the economics of this. Is it - performance art? T-Rex: There's one way to find out! T-Rex: Hey! HEY DUDE! TOENAIL DUDE! Off panel: Huh? T-Rex (punchline): HOW DO YOU GET PAID? Off panel: num num num

also! what is for dinner tonight?

T-Rex: So, I'm not really comfortable with the fact that my mind is actually something physical. T-Rex: It implies that everything I am, everything I think, can be altered! T-Rex: It's scary! Some people who suffer brain damage can have their entire personality rewritten. Heck, add some chemicals and you can alter how and what a person thinks! T-Rex: That's crazy! T-Rex: Crazy! Utahraptor: And this freaks you out? T-Rex: It really does. T-Rex: You know what freaks me out the most, though? It's those remote-control cyborg cockroaches they've made by pretty much taking over the animal's nervous system. I can just imagine the insect endlessly screaming in its mind as its own body is made alien. Utahraptor: Oh my God! T-Rex (punchline): Anyway, that was sort of tangential! Getting back to the subject: isn't it CRAZY that our minds are something physical?

WELCOME TO DISAPPOINTMENT THURSDAY. DISAPPOINTED THURSDAY IS... DISAPPOINTED TO SEE YOU

Narrator: A DAY OF DISAPPOINTMENTS! Narrator: STARRING T-REX THE TALKING DINOSAUR T-Rex: Oh wow, is that a quarter on the ground? T-Rex: Oh, it's one someone glued to the ground as a joke. T-Rex: Hah hah Narrator: LATER: Off panel: Free chocolate bars! Utahraptor: Woo hoo! Off panel: To anyone under the age of 12! T-Rex and Utahraptor: Awwwww! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: [thinks] How old am I? 27? T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Wow, I was DEFINITELY expecting to be married by now

guys i don't think my legs are supposed to bend this way

T-Rex: We've got finite lives and infinite ambition. That being the case, I guess it's time we all learnt about T-Rex: COMPROMISE T-Rex: If you're unfamiliar with compromise, then you have been living an improbable life where you have never once NOT gotten exactly what you want, and I would ask that you begin wanting only awesome things should happen to me, okay? Thanks. This is going to be great. So yeah! Compromise is when you say "I'd hoped for an ice cream sandwich, but I GUESS barefoot stepping in poops is boss too." Utahraptor: Compromise isn't always bad! T-Rex: Utahraptor! Are you looking to COMPROMISE on this?? T-Rex: It's not gonna happen! Compromise is settling for something that's not as good as what you wanted. Utahraptor: That you THINK isn't as good, you mean. It can lead to amazing things you couldn't have foreseen! T-Rex: Ridiculous! So can falling down the stairs, but that doesn't mean that's awesome! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hah hah hah I take it back! An intoxicating freedom overtakes you as you tumble to the bottom, the stairs carrying you to where your journey first began, to where you yearn to return once more. T-Rex (punchline): Guys I think I hit my head

ANSWER KEY: every blank is filled in with "boobs"

Narrator: THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF [blank] Narrator: print and save! it's for in case you die T-Rex: This is my will, suckers! I am of [blank] mind and body. T-Rex: And I hereby leave all my worldly possessions to [blank]! T-Rex: With the exception of [blank], which must go to [blank] because they [blank] all over my [blank] three times. Furthermore, [blank] must spend three [blank] in a haunted [blank], where [blank] will [blank] them over and over. T-Rex: If they [blank], they will get to have my [blank]. T-Rex: I want my funeral to be [blank]! Utahraptor: EXTREMELY [blank]! Utahraptor: And if I died of natural causes, that's [blank], but if, as I suspect, [blank] is responsible then I insist they be [blank] into a [blank] and blasted into [blank]. T-Rex: Oh! And tell [blank] I always had a big ol' crush on him / her!! NO POINT DENYING IT NOW. T-Rex: They were way [blank] and my favourite part of their body was their [blank]. Daaaamn. T-Rex (punchline): Okay! PEACE OUT Y'ALL, IF YOU ARE READING THIS THEN EITHER I AM A CORPSE OR YOU ARE A BIG OL' SNOOP

he's always looking out for c.k.

Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Narrator: Today's origin story: Narrator: SUPERMAN T-Rex: I am the last son of the doomed planet of Krypton! T-Rex: Found, adopted, and raised by the kindly Kent couple, who could not have a child of their own, I was taught about Truth, Justice, and the American Way! T-Rex: As I grew, I found I could run faster than a speeding bullet! I was more powerful than a locomotive! I was able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (as so)! T-Rex: In times of trouble, I am there, as SUPERMAN! Utahraptor: Clark?! T-Rex: No, I'm Superman! Clark Kent and I are two different people! Utahraptor: Oh - ha ha! For a second there you looked like him, only without the glasses! T-Rex: Ha ha ha! T-Rex (punchline): Anyway, I'll tell him you said "hi"!

you can read 'talking' as a verb, but that's not what i meant, so it'd be cool if you didn't do that

T-Rex: So! Generalizations! T-Rex: I don't understand them! T-Rex: For instance, after being bit by three tigers, I'd start to generalize that maybe I shouldn't poke tigers, because then they'll bite me. But if I happened to meet three jerky citizens of a town, the same process could make me conclude that everyone there is mean! Or worse: what if I started generalizing across races? I'd be a big ol' racist! Utahraptor: Well, there are valid and invalid generalizations, my friend! T-Rex: Yeah, that's true! T-Rex: But I guess what bothers me is that it seems you determine whether or not a generalization is valid by evaluating its conclusion, which in turn is based on your own prejudices! Utahraptor: Well - it's hard to remove the "human factor" from any evaluation like this. T-Rex: You mean the "dinosaur factor", of course! Off panel: Hah hah! Of course! T-Rex (punchline): We're talking dinosaurs!

if you don't rescue me then i'm gonna get cheesed off, okay?

T-Rex: The essential problem with Superman, as a character, is that he's too powerful and incorruptible. He's a walking deus ex machina! You give him a foe he can't beat, and all he has to do is TRY HARDER, and then he beats the guy. T-Rex: What I'm saying is that this is not truly satisfying! T-Rex: The way to make Supes interesting is to put him up against a problem that he can't fix by punching someone through a building! Put him in a situation where, say, everyone he loves starts dying of a disease that he can't detect or cure, passing away in his arms, one by one. At the end he's left as the sole survivor of the doomed planet Earth, six billion dead - only this time, he had a chance to stop the disaster, and he FAILED. Utahraptor: That's a terrible story, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's modern, AND dark! Utahraptor: Yeah, and it destroys the character! Superman is a symbol of hope, and you have him basically standing up and shouting "HOPE IS USELESS AGAINST A SUPERIOR FOE" and then everyone on Earth dies. T-Rex: I bet if Superman were real he'd like my story. He'd say to me, "That was a SUPER interesting story, T-Rex!" Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE SUPERMAN IS REAL! T-Rex: Superman! If I jump off this building will you save me? Off panel: Don't jump off that building! T-Rex: Will you save me though? T-Rex (punchline): I'm just gonna jump real quick, okay?

i made a livejournal post about this last night and people helped me add to this list! championgawm came up with "rollerblading", and dhole came up with "trampolining", "jetskiing", and "zippering". THANKS LJ! YOU HELPED ME TURN MY PRESCRIPTIVIST RAGE INTO A COMIC

T-Rex: I am generally a pretty easy-going guy! But guys, there's this one thing really boils my potatoes! T-Rex: TWEETING. T-Rex: Okay, I get that you're using Twitter! SUPER. But I really don't get why we need a new verb for that. All "tweeting" means is "posting to Twitter": it's got the same meaning as "post", except THIS verb can only be used in relation to a single corporate website. That's insane! Corporations invent nouns all the time, and I can accept that, but verbs? Really? Is updating Twitter SO DIFFERENT than updating any other website that we need a whole new word for it? Utahraptor: Man this is old news, Professor Curmudgeonly! You ever seen something escalate? T-Rex: Sure have! Utahraptor: OH DAMN "ESCALATE" IS A VERB MADE UP FROM "ESCALATOR", WHICH WAS ITSELF A TRADEMARK! So now you can't escalate. And you also can't zip up your pants. Or go trampolining, rollerblading, or jetskiing. Or tase your enemies. T-Rex: Man! Friggin' English friggin' lets me down friggin' again!! T-Rex: Also! T-Rex (punchline): ...I do believe that last sentence let me down as well

it's been puzzling me of late

T-Rex: I wonder what someone studying my life for a FUTURE BIOGRAPHY would think about me. What does it mean that I spend so much time doing the things I do? T-Rex: And what if they got the analysis wrong? T-Rex: What if they saw my interest in smooching as indicative of feelings of sexual inadequacy? What if they see my stepping on houses as symbolic of the way I let my rugged manly heart step on all but the most amusing of emotions it experiences? Dromiceiomimus: Huh? T-Rex: I'm just concerned that after I'm dead, folks will write books about me filled with sass! Utahraptor: I think I've figured you out, my friend! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: You WANT your actions analyzed. You want it because if a third party analyzes them, not only does that suggest they're interesting, but it also gives them intrinsic meaning: there must be something there worthy of analysis! You never have to worry about living a meaningful life if there's someone else to find meaning for you. T-Rex: Utahraptor! You realize that you just analyzed my actions today and found meaning in them? Off panel: Aw man! It wasn't on purpose!! T-Rex (punchline): I'm going to go write "boners ahoy" on a bathroom wall and then you can tell me why, okay?

if you don't fantasize in pixel IM conversations then um, what are you waiting for

T-Rex: I don't understand how people could have seriously thought that the world was flat. Did they have a case of the crazies? T-Rex: DID THEY?? T-Rex: Because if you accept that the world is a finite plane, then it's got limits, and what's at the edge of those limits? A vertical wall that goes down a few kilometres, and then what? Tree roots? Upside-down land? A place where owls rule the world like they don't even care? Utahraptor: I'm not convinced that's fair, T-Rex! T-Rex: Really? Utahraptor: Yeah! Like, today, we think the universe is roughly spherical and finite. What's at the edge of the universe? A wall? Evil twins? We usually answer with "nothing", but I can see better informed but equally jerky people in the future making fun of us for this. T-Rex: [narrates] Utahraptor had made an excellent point. I felt embarrassed, and soon found myself imagining different conversations I could've had instead. It was good times! [T-Rex imagines a dialog between Dromiceiomimus and himself] Imaginary Dromiceiomimus: Dude I love you! Imaginary T-Rex (punchline): Cool beans

comics, baby. COMICS JUST HAPPENED

T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, come quick! I think I might be... T-Rex: ...A GENIUS! Dromiceiomimus: Um- why do you think you're a genius, T-Rex? T-Rex: A few reasons! The main one is I heard that genius is the ability to come up with concepts that would otherwise have to be taught, and I'VE TOTALLY DONE THAT. Remember? Remember Punchette, The Power Punch Bear? Dromiceiomimus: ...No? T-Rex: Yeah you do! The bear with the punch... that punched other punches!! Utahraptor: Anyone could've come up with that! T-Rex: I respectfully disagree! T-Rex: Anyone intelligent could've come up with a "power punch", sure, but imagining a bear that can punch other punches? That requires what can only be called... "super genius" Utahraptor: [talking over T-Rex] Wish fulfillment. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): What just happened

guys i am seriously so sick of gardens of regret right now

T-Rex: Okay okay SO - am I making the best use of my time? Judging by the success of others the answer may well be, in fact, "PERHAPS NOT". Narrator: BACKSTORY: T-REX IS WORRIED HE'S NOT AS AFFLUENT AS HE SHOULD BE? T-Rex: I've never really cared about being rich before, but on the other hand having disposable income is sort of alright! Is wanting more money the first step on the path to becoming more and more right wing as I get older? Such a trajectory IS one I have sometimes observed in my peers and elders. Utahraptor: Wait, I'm confused. Are you worried about not being rich, or about drifting to the right? T-Rex: Neither! Both? T-Rex: I'm - I dunno. I guess I'm worried about only getting one shot at life and messing it up, or not making the best of it. Utahraptor: These are serious fears that will likely haunt you till old age, some of them no doubt blossoming into a startling and varied garden of regret! Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR: A GUY WHO IS NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW T-Rex (punchline): FRIGGIN' GARDENS OF REGRET!!

stan's another character of mine who plays by his own rules! he doesn't respect my writing style! he thinks I should only use at most three exclamation marks per novel! somtimes i use three per sentence!!!

T-Rex: My superspy character, Angola Maldives, was on another mission! But it had gone poorly and he got captured by the bad guy, one Turkmenistan "Stan" Barents. "Geez Stan, why you gotta be such a DICK??" Angola said. T-Rex: Sheesh! This instantly raised the rating of our story from G to PG-13! T-Rex: "Ah, Mr. Maldives: why such uncalled-for rudeness?" Stan replied calmly. "I'll show you rude, you asswipe!" Angola replied, and again our rating was raised, this time to R. Stan gaped at him. "One more cuss out of you, Mr. Maldives, and this will be an NC-17 rated story!" he replied. "You are a big fuc--" Angola began, but then Stan taped his mouth shut. Dromiceiomimus: Phew! T-Rex: I know, right?? T-Rex: But then Angola started shimmying out of his clothes! Utahraptor: MALE NUDITY?? T-Rex: I know! This caused the rating to pause only briefly at "NC-17" before rocketing past "X", "XX", and even "XXX"! Utahraptor: What's past "XXX"? T-Rex: I have no idea! Oh, if only I could control Angola, but this character is a maverick who plays by his own rules! T-Rex: His trade is death itself! The only rules he respects are the rules of the street, which are quite different than the more familiar rules of the road you may already have studied!! Off panel: Where's Stan during all this? T-Rex (punchline): He dropped out of this project when the nudity started!!

please don't actually use this card to propose marriage, i, ryan north, internet cartoonist guy, am begging you

T-Rex: Sometimes when you love someone a lot, you're willing to say, "I'm pretty sure I'm going to love you until I'm dead, EVEN IF I don't die for a totally long time!" Narrator: PROPOSING MARRIAGE Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Sometimes you're willing to say that although the future is unknowable, and although our cells are replaced by new ones so in the end the person we are at 60 isn't really the same person we were at 20, not really, not even physically, although there are elements of continuity in personality, sure, but what is that except how we respond to events, and that's just habit -- Dromiceiomimus: THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS CARD LOVES YOU. T-Rex: Yes!! The person who sent this card loves you so much! Utahraptor: They love you more than anyone on the PLANET! T-Rex: And so it comes down to this: they want to explore the rest of their life with you. A marriage can be anything you want it to be, and they want to build one with you. Utahraptor: Aww! T-Rex (punchline): Will you marry the sender of this, the most romantic of the free web cards? Checkbox: Yes! Checkbox: No. Checkbox: Who is this, I don't recognize the from address at all

alternate last panel: instead of god saying 'probably not', the narrator writes 'HMM...' and omg reality is redefined!

Narrator: FATALISM COMICS T-Rex: Fatalism is when - ah, screw it! T-Rex: I'm sure if you were meant to know about fatalism, you'd find out about it eventually. In any case, fatalism is the belief that future events are predetermined for the whole of time and are entirely unalterable! Utahraptor: You just defined fatalism... despite your best efforts not to! T-Rex: Oh my God! T-Rex: It was FATE! I was destined to define fatalism as the belief that future events are predetermined for the whole of time, and are entirely unalterable! Utahraptor: You just did it again!! T-Rex: OH MY GOSH! Is this my role in life? Am I to be forever DEFINING FATALISM? God: PROBABLY NOT T-Rex (punchline): Looks like nope!

toronto, ontario, canada: may 4th-6th 2012

T-Rex: Hi! I'm a guy who ignores the cashier while loudly talking on my cell phone! T-Rex: Make me an enemy in a video game and you'll sell a million copies! T-Rex: Use me as an illustration in your children's story called "The Dude Who Never Listened To His Parents And Grew Up To Be Someone Who, Even When Meeting A Grocery Store Full Of Complete Strangers, Would Instantly Be Despised By Them, And Those Strangers Would All Be Totally Right In Doing So!" T-Rex: Please! I'm gagging for it!! Utahraptor: Hi! I'm a guy riding his bike with his poor dog trailing behind it, TIED TO A CHOKE CHAIN. T-Rex: Hey! We're both jerks!! T-Rex: Oh my god, do you think we know each other? Utahraptor: Probably! Probably all the jerks in the world hang out in a big house, you know? T-Rex: Yes! Filled floor to ceiling with jerks, each of them saving all their toots for the elevators!! T-Rex (punchline): LET'S BURN IT TO THE GROUND

kris straub of starslip dot com informs me that there's already a 1985 movie called "MURDER IN SPACE", in which the crew of the murder ship is forbidden from returning to earth... until they have solved the murders! IN SPACE

T-Rex: You know what hasn't happened in space yet? Friggin' murder! Nobody's been murdered in space yet! T-Rex: Guys! This means I still have a chance! Dromiceiomimus: You want to be the first murderer in space? T-Rex: No, man! That's a sucky way to go down in history. But as the first MURDEREE in space, going out as a floating corpse in zero G: that's something! And it's totally easy. All I need to do is convince some spaceman, when the time comes, to murder me! Utahraptor: Is it murder if you're literally asking for it? T-Rex: That's for the courts to decide, my friend! T-Rex: Listen, bottom line: when my time on this planet is just about up, I'm going up into space and you're going to murder me, okay? Surprise me with a knife! Utahraptor: I - T-Rex: For the sake of history, Utahraptor!! T-Rex: I can already see the headline: "The First Dude Murdered In Space!" Off panel: At the very least, "The First Dude Murdered In Space By His Friend, Who Is Now Going To Jail!" T-Rex (punchline): At the very least!!

i really like how the t-rex's smile came out in the last panel. you can tell they're such close friends that they can tease each other like this.

Narrator: NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS T-Rex: New Year's Resolutions are used to make changes in your life! T-Rex: Classically, one would make private resolutions and endeavour to carry these out over the new, unblemished year. However, this tradition has changed over time! T-Rex: People now choose to announce their resolutions, perhaps in the hopes of making their pledges more likely to be fulfilled. Worse, in some families members make resolutions for each other: a recipe for fighting and snide, sarcastic suggestions! Utahraptor: Hey, that sounds like a great idea, T-Rex! Let's make resolutions for each other! T-Rex: Huh? T-Rex: Weren't you listening? This will only lead to conflict! Utahraptor: No, it'll be great! Do me first. T-Rex: No! Utahraptor: Come on! Utahraptor: I've got one for you! T-Rex: Y-you have one prepared? T-Rex (punchline): You jerk! You brought a list!

dear diary: now that i've gotten to say that, i can get a new job! yessss

T-Rex: I have a new life goal: to become a hairdresser! T-Rex: Scratch that: to become the BEST HAIRDRESSER EVER! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, um, you and I don't really have - T-Rex: Before you go any further, let me clarify that I'll be a hairdresser for MAMMALS. These guys have ALL SORTS of hair coming out of ALL SORTS of places. I'll trim it and they'll say "Wow, this hair cut has made me a WAY better looking mammal! Thanks for trimming the hair off my head, sweat glands and mammaries!" Utahraptor: I don't understand why you keep lusting after these doomed careers, my friend! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: You have no hair and want to be a hairdresser. You have stubby arms and want to be a boxer. Why not get a job that plays to your strengths? T-Rex: Utahraptor! I have nothing BUT strengths! Utahraptor: Okay, fine, enjoy your hairdressing. You just stepped on one of your customers. T-Rex: Dear diary! T-Rex (punchline): My new job is getting... a little hairy.

let's talk about the matriarchy and the patriarchy, the gynecrats and the bonerocracy

T-Rex: Alright dudes, let's find out once and for all why bad things can happen to good peopl-- God: HOW COME WE'RE ADDRESSING DUDES T-Rex: Um, because I'm surrounded by only the most dudeliest of bros?! God: YEAH BUT DOESN'T THE WORD DUDES TECHNICALLY EXCLUDE WOMEN T-Rex: No man! I'm using "dudes" in the gender-neutral sense! Y'all be dudes! God: AND YOU'RE ALSO USING BROS IN THE GENDER-NEUTRAL SENSE T-Rex: Of course, bro! God: AND MAN AS WELL T-Rex: Yeah man! T-Rex: But it's fair because when I say "chicks" I'm not ONLY addressing women! Utahraptor: Oh? T-Rex: Absolutely! If I say "Hey chicks, check out my pecs" I'm addressing both the mascu-chicks and the femi-chicks! EVERYONE'S gotta check these pecs out. T-Rex: Hey. T-Rex: They'll change your life. T-Rex: You probably can't tell from over there but right now they're - T-Rex (punchline): [small] - they're bouncing up and down a little

why do i need to learn this stuff? i'm never going to use it in real life! now, back to shakespeare.

T-Rex: My Richard The Third The Video Game is going to be FANTASTIC. God: MAN I HEAR THAT T-Rex: All I need to do is program it! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Um, APPARENTLY, programming is for folks who are thrilled when a computer reminds them they're missing a bracket or semicolon? It must be, because they make that happen SO OFTEN. Dromiceiomimus: So it's not going well? T-Rex: I CAN'T EVEN GET RICHARD THE THIRD TO MOVE. You know what my game is now? My game is NIBBLES, with the text changed from "Copyright Microsoft 1990" to "man, forget this" Utahraptor: Programming's a skill! T-Rex: I know that! T-Rex: I just thought it was a skill I could pick up easily. I don't need to know everything! I don't need to know the difference between friggin' binary and B+ search trees! ALL I WANT TO KNOW is how to make Richard III's sucky horse do double jumps, you know? Utahraptor: You've got to learn to crawl before you can run, T-Rex. T-Rex: Hey, here's a tip! T-Rex (punchline): Crawling sucks!

t-rex's father is an enigma dipped in a few crazysauce predictions

T-Rex: I have made a very important New Year's Resolution! It's to make sure that my name becomes an EPONYMOUS ADJECTIVE. People will soon all describe things as "T-Rexian"! What sort of things? T-Rex: Awesome things, natch! T-Rex: Wait, huh? I'm not the sort of person who says "natch". I never say "natch", I say "naturally" and even then, only sometimes. I have no idea why I said "natch" just now. I'd like to take it back, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah, too late! Looks like being T-Rexian is using unpopular and out of favour slang for no reason! T-Rex: Aw shoot! My eponym is a disaster! Utahraptor: Plus it wouldn't even get used that often! Utahraptor: The only time I can imagine using it is - well, when describing you. T-Rex: Wait! Let's change it so it means using out of date slang that's still cool, like flapper slang or pirate slang or whatever. Can we do that? Utahraptor: I don't think we can do that! T-Rex: [narrates] Had I finally and irrevocably "blown it" with my own name? Had my father's famed and final prediction come, at last, to pass? T-Rex (punchline): Daaaaaang!

let's never talk about death again!

T-Rex: When I die, nobody say "He's at peace now", okay? I'm so serious right now. T-Rex: Say something better, like "I can't believe he ate the whole thing!" Dromiceiomimus: What's wrong with "He's at peace"? It's nice. T-Rex: It's demeaning! It suggests that the whole point of life is to be at peace, like it's this goal that we should all achieve, and I'M kind of a screw up but at least I achieved it by dying! It's like telling the kids who came in last in a three-legged race that the REAL goal was just to finish. Utahraptor: I think it's supposed to be taken in a "his suffering is over" sort of way. T-Rex: Oh. Well. That makes more sense. T-Rex: Did you at least like my comparison of life to a three-legged race? Utahraptor: It was a little confusing! You need a partner for a three legged race, but you can easily go through life profoundly alone. T-Rex: Wow. That's - that's true. T-Rex: *sigh* Narrator: LATER: Off panel: [small] Hullo T-Rex! Can I ask you a question? It won't take a minute. T-Rex (punchline): Oh, Mr. Tusks! Your delightful minute (as in time) and minute (as in tiny) pun has cheered me right up!!