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later: batman is so pissed off at the nappy times suggestion that he ACTUALLY BECOMES REAL, just to punch the people who have been sniggering!

T-Rex: Who would win in a fight, Superman or Batman? T-Rex: The answer is "Batman"! T-Rex: Anyone who doubts this need only remember that Batman is really smart, and that they're probably wrong. Dromiceiomimus: Superman has strength! T-Rex: Batman has BATMAN SKILLS. Utahraptor: Man, Superman could kill Batman before Bats even knew the fight had started! T-Rex: Oh, he'd know. Utahraptor: Only because you're assuming he's omniscient. The dude has to sleep! Superman could laser him from orbit while he's having nappy times. T-Rex: Batman doesn't have "nappy times"!! Utahraptor: Sure he does! Off panel: Every time he sleeps he puts a sign on his door that says, "Warning: Nappy Times! Enter only if you have a valid passport to dreamland!" T-Rex: OH GOD T-Rex (punchline): OUR FRIENDSHIP HAS NEVER BEEN SO ENDANGERED

this is a thought experiment proposed by australian philosopher Frank Jackson, and I tell you his nationality only to assure you that, yes, reading today's comic in an australian accent is TOTALLY ALLOWED. and if you already read all my comics in an australian accent, well then, you're already coming out ahead

T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a brilliant scientist named Mary! Guys, Mary had her own problems. T-Rex: She was born with a disease where she only saw in black and white! T-Rex: Also, she's spent her entire life in single black-and-white room equipped with a black-and-white computer screen. Despite this she's still super successful, and has learnt each and every piece of the physical information there is to learn about the neurophysiology of vision! She knows EVERYTHING about how colour works, how light interacts with the eye, and so on. T-Rex: Good work, Mary! Utahraptor: And then one day doctors cure her disease and let her out of the room! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: And the question is: when she first looks up at a beautiful blue sky and actually experiences colour for the first time - does she learn anything new? Utahraptor: I don't know, I just wanted to release Mary from the prison you'd built for her. Later, she finds a great partner and is super happy! T-Rex: What? No! She's still not sure if seeing colour helped- Off panel: She interrupts that thought to say the whole room thing was a dream, and reminds herself that she's really an astronaut! From the FUTURE. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...Go on

IT'S A NICE PLACE TO VISIT

T-Rex: I wonder what it's like, being an attractive woman. Would I be tired of guys coming up and talking to me just because I'm pretty? Or would I rather find it flattering? Narrator: WHAT IF T-REX WERE A CHICK COMICS Dromiceiomimus: You'd also have to deal with sexual prejudice, T-Rex! All your bragging about your sexual prowess and "memorable lovemaking techniques" would probably make people think you're kind of slutty! T-Rex: No! Dromiceiomimus: Yes! Some people, anyway. T-Rex: But - I'm not slutty! Utahraptor: Well, you talk like you are, sometimes! Utahraptor: You're always all, "Feelings are boring. Kissing is awesome!" You should make yourself a shirt that says that and wear it all the time. T-Rex: I would honestly wear a shirt that says that. Utahraptor: I know! That's totally why I'm suggesting it. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE IS AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: T-Rex (punchline): Spring break!!

this illustrates why you should never listen to a talking utahraptor

T-Rex: If I want to know for sure who I am, I have to find out if I'm the same person when I don't have all my memories. I need to contract amnesia! T-Rex: Time for a severe non-penetrative blow to the head! T-Rex: But I'll have to be careful about this. I want TEMPORARY amnesia; I don't want to end up not remembering anything ever again! T-Rex: Hmmm. T-Rex: Maybe soliciting a concussive blow to the head isn't the best idea I've ever had. T-Rex: I COULD get temporary amnesia from a sudden, disturbing realization, but- Utahraptor: T-Rex! God must be either dead or uncaring! Utahraptor: Sorry, was that too eager? Utahraptor: Running up behind you like that? Utahraptor: Too eager? Utahraptor: T-Rex? T-Rex (punchline): W-who am I?

yesterday's comic has been retroconned so that it NEVER HAPPENED tell your friends

T-Rex: There are a few moments in my life at which, I can now see in hindsight, critical events took place. T-Rex: These events set in motion other events, which finally led to the person I am today! T-Rex: For instance: Dromiceiomimus! Had you and I never met, I would never have become so good at Scrabble! Dromiceiomimus: Well, ah ha, I'm not sure that you wouldn't have picked it up somewhere else! T-Rex: Still! Things would be different! Utahraptor: That's the best example you can come up with? Scrabble? T-Rex: Well! T-Rex: All I really wanted to point out was that it's cool to think about these things sometimes. You know, like chance jobs where you met friends (or perhaps... LOVERS?) - things like that! Utahraptor: I'm not convinced that such small events can have that large an impact! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A PARALLEL "FRENCH RAP" UNIVERSE: T-Rex: Oui oui tout le monde - et ça n'arrête pas!! T-Rex (punchline): Je veux une petite quelque chose quelque chose!

also great for medical sites, like surprisesyourbodymightholdforyou.tmi

T-Rex: Okay so the first is .dogs, obviously. It's so obvious that I'm surprised I even have to say it. Narrator: NEW TLDS THAT ARE NEEDED T-Rex: Moving on, there are tons of terrible website trends, and it'd be great to know that a site sucks in advance, so I propose ".WeJustRepostThingsWithoutCreditLOL", ".OurCommentsSectionIsFullOfRacistsThoughSoHeadsUp", and ".WeInterruptEveryArticleToBegYouToFollowUsOnFacebookAndTwitterSoBetterGetUsedToThatRealQuick". Dromiceiomimus: Those are kinda hard to type! T-Rex: Oh no, then people might not visit these sites!! Utahraptor: What about just ".LOL"? T-Rex: Pfft. T-Rex: Anything on .LOL would be the least funny thing ever in time. HOWEVER, everything on .OGC would be AMAZING. Wikipedia gets .FYI! Blogs get .TMI and .IMO! Utahraptor: Yes! And celebrity gossip sites can have .OMG and .SMH! T-Rex: Whoah!! Off panel: What? It stands for "shaking my head". T-Rex (punchline): ...Utahraptor it stands for "suck my hole" and if you think otherwise then SMH

t-rex hasn't seen anything like that in a whole month of sundays

T-Rex: I like people whose names tell short stories, like "John Went". Where'd he go? Ha ha ha! T-Rex: I don't know! T-Rex: I also like people whose names are verbs, like "Pat" and "Mary", sort of. And I really like people whose names are nouns and verbs AND adjectives, like... "Pine". Dromiceiomimus: I don't think anyone's ever been named "Pine", T-Rex. T-Rex: Well, perhaps the name is SO AWESOME that people are simply saving it for the appropriate child! Utahraptor: What about people who are named after their species? T-Rex: It's alright! T-Rex: I kind of wish my name was a verb too, though, instead of just being a noun. You can't T-Rex something. I've tried. It doesn't work. Utahraptor: You can Utahraptor something though. Watch! Narrator: SOON. T-Rex (punchline): My GOODNESS.

hey everyone it's me t-rex, sorry for the mass email but please tell me if you have any songs memorized that can apply to my oj situation

Narrator: IT'S MONDAY! LET'S TALK ABOUT OUR PROBLEMS T-Rex: Yaaaaay!! T-Rex: My problem is that I have too many problems!! T-Rex: Some of these problems include: my problems being too difficult to solve, my problems being annoying and making me want to ignore them forever, and my problems never going away and making me think life is just a stream of problems as deep and as endless as the ocean herself?? Dromiceiomimus: All your problems are problems ABOUT problems, dude! T-Rex: That itself: one of my problems!! Utahraptor: Metaproblems? T-Rex: I never metaproblem I didn't have! T-Rex: I can never solve my ACTUAL problems because I'm always dealing with problems caused by my problems, or problems caused by my problem's problems. Utahraptor: Would you say you've got... 99 problems? T-Rex: Utahraptor this is no time for rap references!! Narrator: LATER, T-REX NOTICES HIS ORANGE JUICE IS SHIPPED STRAIGHT OUT OF COMPTON: T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor I'm ready for those rap references now!!

ice cream cake?? I TAKE IT BACK IT'S ALL WORTHWHILE

God: T-REX ISN'T YOUR BIRTHDAY COMING UP SOON T-Rex: It is! God: AND ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THE CELEBRATION T-Rex: I am! God: AND HAVE YOU ACHIEVED YOUR LIFE-LONG GOAL OF BECOMING IMMORTAL YET T-Rex: I - T-Rex: Oh yeah. T-Rex: Okay guys: I've seriously got to become immortal, STAT. Utahraptor: Why not just enjoy the time you've got? Utahraptor: There's been tons of folks in every previous generation who wanted to be immortal, and I don't see any of them still kicking around. T-Rex: Aha, but were THEY motivated by an acute awareness of their failures and compromises, brought on by the anniversary of my birth?? Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: I'm still not immortal, but I HAVE managed to recontextualize birthday cakes into second-place consolation prizes for failing to achieve immortality! Now all birthday parties are super depressing. T-Rex (punchline): ...Go me?

nintendo is also the coolest!

Narrator: COMICS WITH EMBEDDED FASHION ADVICE Narrator: PART ONE T-Rex: Man, did you see what that Triceratops was wearing at the film last night? Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, he has really bad fashion sense! T-Rex: You said it! Utahraptor: Did you see him last weekend? T-Rex: No, what was he wearing? Utahraptor: Well, let's just say that a lime green t-shirt coupled with electric blue shorts is not exactly the most stylish of outfits. T-Rex: W- T-Rex: What's wrong with that? T-Rex (punchline): That's the coolest!

it occurs to me that 'expiry dates' would also be a great name for an action film

Narrator: EXPIRY DATE COMICS! T-Rex: Expiry dates on food and juice products? T-Rex: WHATever! Dromiceiomimus: What do you mean, whatever? They tell you when food has gone bad. If you ignore them, you're eating expired food, and that's gross. T-Rex: Counterpoint! I drank some recently-expired juice yesterday, and it was exceedingly delicious. The only reason people have such faith in expiry dates is because of the Star Trek TV shows! Utahraptor: That one's going to need some explaining! T-Rex: Star Trek! Star Trek: The Next Generation? Utahraptor: T- That's not an explanation, T-Rex. T-Rex: Whenever there's trouble, their computer is always all "15 seconds until fatal radiation exposure", as though if you get 14, you're fine, and if you get 16, you're dead for sure! Expiry dates, like those on ST:TNG, are false and needlessly strict. God: MAN T-REX YOU'RE ABOUT THREE SECONDS AWAY FROM FATAL RADIATION EXPOSURE YOURSELF T-Rex: It's different when YOU do it! Sheesh! T-Rex (punchline): Also what?

"a thousand of your earth years" = a handy phrase you can use to identify TOTALLY AWESOME WRITING

T-Rex: There's a lot of out-of-copyright characters I can borrow! I count at least 20. God: HEY THE BIBLE IS OUT OF COPYRIGHT BY LIKE A THOUSAND OF YOUR EARTH YEARS God: JUST SAYIN' T-Rex: Whoah, God says I can rip off the Bible!! T-Rex: Okay so what characters are in it? There's you, obviously, and that bro who built the big boat. God: NOAH T-Rex: No, uh, what? God: NO I MEAN NOAH HE WAS THE ONE WHO BUILT THE BOAT T-Rex: Okay, but what was his name? God: OKAY FOCUS ON ISAAC INSTEAD T-Rex: You sick... of what? Utahraptor: Huh? God: I KNOW YOU'RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE T-REX YOU KNOW WHAT JUST USE RUTH T-Rex: Okay! I will use that feeling of pity or grief, but WHICH BIBLE CHARACTER SHOULD I HAVE BE RUTH AND/OR RUTHLESS?! Utahraptor: Aaron? T-Rex: Huh? What sort of errand? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hah hah hah!! T-Rex (punchline): Whatever; I had too many friends already anyway

BASICALLY, SALES FAILED TO MATERIALIZE IS WHAT I'M SAYING

T-Rex: My friends, I have written a new book! T-Rex: A book for CHILDREN! T-Rex: My book is called "Happy Dog the Happy Dog" and it mixes in the story of Happy Dog with important lessons I've chosen about life! It also features adorable drawings of happy dogs. Amazing! Utahraptor: So let's hear some of this amazing book! T-Rex: I'd be pleased to give a reading! T-Rex: "Happy Dog the happy dog is the happiest dog on his street! He loves to play in the grass. Everyone you know will one day be dead!" Utahraptor: Whoah, what?! T-Rex! That's awful! T-Rex: "Happy Dog loves to play fetch with a young boy named Timmy! Timmy is Happy Dog's best friend. Timmy is made out of meat. Your whole family is made out of meat." T-Rex (punchline): What's up?

you can show this comic to chronic gamblers and they will PUNCH YOU IN THE NECK

Narrator: LOGICAL FALLACY COMICS PRESENTS: Narrator: "THE GAMBLER'S FALLACY" T-Rex: The gambler's fallacy is when one assumes that a deviation from what occurs in the long term... T-Rex: ... will be corrected in the short term! T-Rex: This is most often seen when people play games of chance. They'll assume that, say, since they've had such bad luck with rolls of the dice recently, they are somehow "due" for a good roll! T-Rex: However, in most cases things are independent. The result of the previous roll has no bearing on the current roll! Utahraptor: And just how is this a logical fallacy, T-Rex? It sounds more like basic probability! T-Rex: Well... Utahraptor: "Well..." T-Rex (punchline): Whatever!

never so shocked as to forget the who/whom distinction

Narrator: T-REX IS IN LOVE WITH YOU. T-Rex: ...What? T-Rex: I'm not! Narrator: YES HE IS. HE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU AND HE WANTS TO KISS YOU. T-Rex: I'm not! I don't! T-Rex: ...Kiss whom? Narrator: HE WANTS TO WELCOME YOU HOME FROM WORK. Utahraptor: What's going on? T-Rex: I don't know! Narrator: THEN HE WANTS TO MAKE SOME OF THE SEX WITH YOU. THAT'LL BE NICE. T-Rex: You don't hear that? Utahraptor: Uh, no. Utahraptor: Are you alright? T-Rex: Apparently not? Narrator: T-REX LOVES YOU AND HE'S GOING TO PROVE IT. TONIGHT HE'S GOING TO EAT TOO MUCH DINNER AND THEN GO TO BED EARLY. THEN YOU'LL KNOW. T-Rex: I was gonna do that anyway! T-Rex (punchline): Whatever!!

yes, early nineties tv theme songs, here at qwantz.com

T-Rex: Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute - just sit right there - T-Rex: I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air! T-Rex: In West Philadelphia, born and raised: on the playground was where I spent most of my days! Chilling out, maxin', relaxing all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school, when a couple of guys (they were up to no good) started making trouble in my neighbourhood! I got in ONE LITTLE FIGHT and my mom got scared, and said Dromiceiomimus: You're moving with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air! T-Rex: I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "fresh" and it had dice in the mirror! Utahraptor: T-Rex? T-Rex: [tiny] ssh! T-Rex: If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, "Nah, forget it: yo home, to Bel-Air!" Utahraptor: You Utahraptor: pulled Utahraptor: up to a house about seven or eight and you yelled to the cabbie, "Yo homes, smell you later!"? T-Rex: Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Awesome! Okay, what was it you wanted to talk about?

arguably, our nation's finest natural resource?

T-Rex: Oh yes, I have an idea for the Best Victimless Prank Ever! Plus it'll give a cashier a good story to tell. Dromiceiomimus, you've got to help me on this one! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, there you are! Dromiceiomimus: Here I am! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I need your help with a prank. The prank is, we all get some really fake stick-on moustaches even though we're all of age, THEN we put them on and go into a convenience store and we all buy ADULT PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES!! Hee hee! Narrator: SOON! Utahraptor: Hey, can I get in on this prank too? T-Rex: Sure can!! Utahraptor: SWEET. I'll come in wearing a moustache after you guys leave, but I'll just buy some milk! That way, the guy at the cash'll be expecting me to hilariously buy some pornos, but no, I'll just buy the milk. Maybe some cheese. T-Rex: Let's do it! Narrator: LATER: A MOMENT OF REFLECTION. T-Rex (punchline): Buying this magazine made me feel dirty and ashamed! Have I once again thoughtlessly aided the exploitation of our nation's topless lesbian teens?

you guyyyyyys, venus sucks, let's turn jupiter into a sun

T-Rex: Mars! Let's go there. I really REALLY think we should go to Mars, you guys. Narrator: LET'S GO TO MARS Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex! Do you know a place where it's always cool and where you instantly lose 60% of your weight? T-Rex: Oh man! Is it Mars? It's Mars, isn't it?? Dromiceiomimus: It's Ma- T-Rex: LET US GO TO MARS. Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! Do you know MY favourite planet named after a war god? T-Rex: I believe it's Mars and I think we should go there? T-Rex: But before that, do you want to come to a party tonight? I've got lots of food and drinks and I'm inviting only the most interesting and therefore sexy people! Utahraptor: Sounds rad! Where is it? T-Rex: Oh, I don't know... T-Rex and Utahraptor: MARS Narrator: HUNDREDS OF YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Guyyyyys T-Rex (punchline): Mars sucks, let's terraform VENUS

one such species that does this is "pseudobiceros hancockanus", and don't worry, you will be easily forgiven for thinking its name is totally made up

T-Rex: Turbellaria flatworms are hermaphroditic, with viable male AND female sex organs! T-Rex: Pretty great, I know! T-Rex: But because of this, when it comes to reproduction, who's gonna be the mother is up for debate. And it turns out that being pregnant is hard work! So these worms FIGHT IT OUT, and by "FIGHT IT OUT" I mean they pull out their dagger-like penises and each try to stab sperm through the other's flesh. Utahraptor: The loser gets pregnant first? T-Rex: The loser gets pregnant first! T-Rex: And it's called "penis fencing". Utahraptor, I can't get enough. Utahraptor: In another reality, you could've had a PhD in penis fencing. T-Rex: Frig, man! A sentence like that could make a fella feel like he's made some bad decisions! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER REALITY: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, it's called "penis fencing"! In another reality, I could have a PhD in penis fencing. Off panel: But you do, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): UM OBVIOUSLY I MEANT A BETTER DEGREE FROM A MORE RESPECTABLE SCHOOL.

fifty bucks: a not-insignificant amount of bucks?

God: T-REX DID YOU KNOW THAT ANYONE CAN SEND OUT A PRESS RELEASE God: I JUST SENT ONE OUT ALERTING THE PUBLIC THAT I AM HUNGRY God: GOD HUNGRY IT SAYS T-Rex: I did not! God: IT COST ME FIFTY DOLLARS Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hi Dromiceiomimus! Did you... READ THE PAPER TODAY? Dromiceiomimus: Nope, on account of how I'm not 65! T-Rex: Okay, TRUE, but did you read online news today? Dromiceiomimus: Yep. Nothing much to report! T-Rex: ALRIGHT, I WILL STOP BEING COY. I TOTALLY PUT OUT A PRESS RELEASE. LET'S ALL GET EXCITED NOW, OKAY? Utahraptor: That doesn't mean papers picked it up though! T-Rex: WHAT. Utahraptor: Yeah, press releases are just you saying stuff; papers will only run with interesting ones. If they haven't any real news to go with already, I mean. T-Rex: Utahraptor, I say this without exaggeration: this has been the most disappointing day I've had all week. T-Rex: I say this WITH exaggeration: this has been the MOST DISAPPOINTING DAY IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE, in this or any other universe, real or imagined; across all timelines, this day -- my day -- is the objective, subjective, figurative and literal worst. T-Rex (punchline): Plus I'm out fifty bucks!!

this House resolves that pirates with sufficiently awesome ships are great

T-Rex: I wonder, what's the best thing that could happen to me today? T-Rex: Maybe I could win the lottery! T-Rex: Or maybe when I stomp on this house, it will crack open to reveal treasure! Gold doubloons! T-Rex: PIRATE'S doubloons! Utahraptor: How come all your fantasies involve you becoming fantastically rich? T-Rex: Not true! T-Rex: My fantasies also involved pirates. Utahraptor: You know, pirates weren't the romantic figures you think they were. They raped, murdered, and ruined lives! Just because they had (admittedly) awesome ships doesn't make them good role models! T-Rex (punchline): Debateable!

where'd t-rex and dromiceiomimus pick up language like this? certainly not from ME, i say the much more catchy and polite "stuff goes unexpected"

T-Rex: Britannic was Titanic's sister ship! After Titanic sank, they upgraded her to make her MORE SINKPROOF. But before she could begin transatlantic service, the Great War broke out and she was converted into a GIANT FLOATING HOSPITAL. T-Rex: And it was as a hospital ship that she struck a mine and sank! Dromiceiomimus: That's true, T-Rex, but she sank for very different reasons than the Titanic. Despite the huge hole in her side, she could've remained afloat and motionless, if it weren't for the fact that nurses had opened portholes on the lower decks to get a breeze! Water flooded in as soon as the ship listed. As much as the Titanic is a symbol for hubris, the Britannic is a symbol of how SHIT GOES FOUL sometimes no matter how well you plan. T-Rex: INTERESTING. Utahraptor: The ship sank only a few miles from shore, didn't she? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: The captain actually gave the order to gun the engines and beach the ship on the shore, but some lifeboats were launched against orders, two of which ended up DRIFTING INTO THE PROPELLERS, with pretty much the results you'd expect. Utahraptor: Holy smokes. T-Rex: Yeah. Narrator: THE MORAL OF THE STORY: T-Rex (punchline): Shit certainly DOES go foul sometimes, you guys

that old ninja turtles show was pretty great though, eh

T-Rex: I've changed my mind! You know what's great? T-Rex: Nostalgia! T-Rex: Hot Wheels™ cars! T-Rex: Simpler videogames! T-Rex: Less swearing on the radio? T-Rex: Woooo! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: ...BMX™ bikes! Utahraptor: Are you listing things that you find nostalgic? T-Rex: I am! Utahraptor: But doesn't it take more than simply listing old things to really be nostalgic? T-Rex: Nope! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Ninja turtles!

i have almost no complaints about rare and brilliant moments of perfect self-awareness

Narrator: EPIPHANY COMICS T-Rex: Friends are good things to have! They can help you out when you are sad (a psychological benefit), and can lend you money if you need it (an economic benefit)! T-Rex: It is these positive benefits of having friends that concern me! T-Rex: I'm pretty sure I like my friends because of the people they are, but what if I'm just kidding myself? What if I really just like them because they're an economic cushion - someone to bail me out, even literally, if I get into trouble? Dromiceiomimus: Well - I mean, you'd do the same thing for us, T-Rex. T-Rex: Exactly! We hedge our bets by having friends! Utahraptor: There are friendships that go beyond this shared benefit, T-Rex! T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: Okay - what about "best friends forever", the people in your life who you'll know will stand by you no matter what? T-Rex: They are even MORE of an economic benefit! They are get out of jail free cards, people who you can rely on in any situation. T-Rex: Wait!! My problem's that I'm seeing any positive effect of friendship as income, and thus everyone involved in one as compromised in a conflict of interest. I would only be happy if having friends was awful! T-Rex (punchline): Thanks, rare and brilliant moments of perfect self-awareness!

priorities change when you move from a gram to a kilogram.

T-Rex: I have a new problem. Now I have come into possession of several kilograms of Nazi memorabilia! T-Rex: It - it came in the mail? T-Rex: Somehow word got out that I am a Nazi Pin Guy and now I have everyone else's Nazi pins. And flags. And uniforms and boots and chapeaus. I basically have a WWII Re-Enactment Society in my basement, Dromiceiomimus. BUT ONLY FOR ONE SIDE. Dromiceiomimus: Your problems just seem to - escalate, huh? T-Rex: I wish I knew why Utahraptor: Give it to a museum, T-Rex! They'll take it! T-Rex: That's a great idea! T-Rex: My pin was too common to interest a museum, but the rest of this stuff COULD be given away like that! Utahraptor: Right, and you could probably find history teachers to take the more common artifacts! T-Rex: Wow, all I have to do is follow your advice, and all my problems are solved! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: I don't understand why you're paying me to slip this Nazi memorabilia into the pockets of strangers. T-Rex (punchline): Oh, I'm sorry, did I accidentally hire a PLAN CRITICIZER? I thought I was hiring a Reverse Pickpocket! Off panel: I- I- Off panel: i can do both

so anyway i can't think of single circumstance in which a verb form of "sex" cannot be gainfully replaced with a verb form of "sexin'"

T-Rex: Okay so we've all evolved from lesser beings and in order to continue the species, we have a genetic imperative to reproduce! T-Rex: And this is PROBABLY why sexin' is fun times! T-Rex: And I'm told that when you hold your newborn child in your arms for the first time, this is a transcendental and joyous life-changing event. Sure, fine! I TOTALLY BELIEVE YOU. But why are these pleasures just related to reproduction? Why can't I have the joy of having a child without actually HAVING to have the child? T-Rex: It's my understanding that children are really expensive, you guys!! Utahraptor: I don't see what kind of shortcut you're going for here! T-Rex: Genetic engineering! It's SO EASY. T-Rex: Let's just replace the biological imperative to reproduce! Let's give ourselves the same joy and wonder from an egg sammich as we get from first holding our child in our arms! Let's make gum as deeply fulfilling as watching your child graduate top of the class, Dean's list, summa cum laude. Bubblegum flavour. Off panel: So your ideal future's one where everyone's weeping for joy over their Whoppers with Cheese, and nobody's having sex? T-Rex: Who said anything about not having sex? The whole point is you can do both at the same time! T-Rex (punchline): "Boo hoo this is so tasty boo hoo hoo I'm also enjoying this sex as well"?

in today's comic: utahraptor gets CONFUSED

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THE TRULY EPIC SNUB YOU TREATED ME TO YESTERDAY T-Rex: How epic was it? Devil: T-REX Devil: IT WAS THE SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS OF SNUBS Devil: OR RATHER IT WAS ANALOGOUS TO HOW EPIC I UNDERSTAND THAT GAME TO BE AS I HAVEN'T PLAYED IT MY PERSONAL GAMING HARDWARE BEING UNFORTUNATELY SEVERAL GENERATIONS BEHIND Devil: HOWEVER IT HAS RECEIVED NEAR UNIVERSAL PRAISE IN THE GAMING PRESS T-Rex: Isn't that game old? Devil: UM EXCUSE ME T-REX BUT GAMES DON'T GET OLD Devil: THEY GET CLASSIC Devil: WOULD YOU DESCRIBE SUPER MARIO 64 AS OLD T-Rex: I - sometimes? Utahraptor: Sometimes what? Devil: NO YOU WOULD NOT YOU'D DESCRIBE IT AS AN AMAZING TRANSITION TO 3D OF CLASSIC PLATFORMING MECHANICS THAT DEFINED AND INSPIRED AN ENTIRE GENERATION T-Rex: I - Utahraptor: You what, T-Rex? Devil: AND YOU WOULD BE CORRECT Narrator: LATER: Devil: AW FRIG T-Rex (punchline): What now?! Devil: MY SAVE FILES HAVE BECOME CORRUPTED T-REX Devil: THIS Devil: MY FRIEND Devil: IS MY NEW NIGHTMARE

yes my friends, today IS indeed the very first time "hedonistic" and "syntax" have been used in the same sentence... on this website.

T-Rex: You DARE?! T-Rex: You dare to correct MY grammar? T-Rex: I who have studied grammar with the hedonistic monks of Mount Syntax, I who have communed deeply with the mark both Question and Exclamation, I who have travelled to - AND RETURNED FROM - the deepest caves of Punctuation Prime: you dare to challenge my command of language? I invented the future perfect continuous passive, bitches! T-Rex: AND I was the first to employ "bitches" as a generic intensifier, bitches!! Utahraptor: Would you say you're... PAST TENSE with whoever corrected you? T-Rex: This is no time for hilarious wordplay! T-Rex: I need to recover my honour. I need the linguistic equivalent of a white glove to slap across someone's face, challenging them to a grammatical pop quiz to the death! Utahraptor: You could thank them and correct your mistake. T-Rex: NEVER! THEY NEED TO KNOW HOW GOOD I AM AT WORD STUFF. Narrator: LATER, T-REX LEAVES A VOICEMAIL FOR THE PERSON WHO CORRECTED HIM: T-Rex: Hello! It's T-Rex! Remember? The guy on the bus? T-Rex (punchline): Listen, I just thought you should know that "The Elements of Style" is based on my own "Periodic Table Of Grammatical Swag"?

we should have a word for this!

Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR HAS GOTTEN LIFE INSURANCE! T-Rex: Yes! Because if he dies, then the money that shows up will make us say, "Perfect! This is exactly as much as I valued that guy!" Narrator: AND HE'S NAMED T-REX AS HIS SOLE BENEFICIARY! T-Rex: WHAT?! T-Rex: Oh God, I'm DEFINITELY going to jail, and it's all Utahraptor's fault! It's his revenge for all those arguments he lost! Dromiceiomimus: How is naming you as beneficiary revenge? T-Rex: Because when he dies, the police are going to ask "Who stands to gain?" and now there's a giant MILLION-DOLLAR ARROW pointing right to me, signed and notarized! Insurance policies are instant motive! JUST ADD DEATH! Utahraptor: Well, what if I die of old age? T-Rex: Still no good, my friend! T-Rex: Your insurance company still saves a MILLION DOLLARS if they can somehow make it look like I murdered you. They'll be there, hands cupped around the policeman's ear, whispering "Listen I am almost certain this green dude killed him and made it look like old age" Utahraptor: I - okay? Off panel: It's just I got the policy free through work, and I named you as a nice gesture? It doesn't even pay a million dollars. I'm pretty sure it's capped at $200,000. T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): My fears have been reduced by precisely 80%!

Droseidon's first album is The Droseidon Adventure, then Beyond The Droseidon Adventure, then Droseidon 2006

T-Rex: Rapping is a fun job! You get to spit tight rhymes... ALL of the tight times?? Narrator: HOW TO BE A RAPPER T-Rex: First off, you should not say "um" or "uh", you should say "check it, one two". Dromiceiomimus: Today I went to the - what do you call it, check it, one two, one two, one two, PHARMACY! T-Rex: Perfect! Dromiceiomimus, your rapper name will be "What's Up Drotimes", "Droseidon", or "Born Dromosexual". Dromiceiomimus: All quite reasonable names Utahraptor: But there's more to it than saying "check it, one two, one two"! T-Rex: Yes! You also need FAT BEATS. T-Rex: But fat beats are very hard to find when they're fresh, so I recommend you simply marry a beatboxer. They make the beats come out of their mouths! Utahraptor: Do you... also recommend going to someone else for rap advice? T-Rex: QUITE POSSIBLY? Narrator: LATER, DROMICEIOMIMUS PUTS OUT TWO ALBUMS UNDER THE NAME "BORN DROMOSEXUAL": "DROMOSEXUAL NARRATIVES" AND "FLUID DROMOSEXUALITY" T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): Come at me, Dro!!

also: why do we all say "legs" when we could've been saying "gams" this whole time?

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for replacing all my "oh crap"s, "oh dang"s and "oh snapadoodle"s with something infinitely more charming. From now on when I drop an anvil on my toe, this will be me: T-Rex: Oh, brother!! T-Rex: Isn't it great, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I just realized: I was living my life under the assumption that nobody had said "Oh brother!" since the fifties. T-Rex: Well that is INCORRECT, as I said it this morning when I dropped my toast on the ground. "Oh brother," I said, "what's next??" T-Rex: It was amazing Utahraptor: I can see this getting old fast, T-Rex! T-Rex: A complaint from Utahraptor? Oh, brother!! Utahraptor: Hah, okay, that was pretty good. But work it into your regular rotation of minced oaths, pseudo-profanities and cusses! Don't just replace everything wholesale. Tomorrow I'm sure there'll be some new phrase you'll be enamoured with. T-Rex: Utahraptor that is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. Narrator: 15 MINUTES LATER: T-Rex: Fifteen dollars for a glass of pop?! What the ham and eggs? T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): I'll never say any other words again; I'm 100% serious

anyway the whole thing is cleared up in time for tomorrow's comic, turns out that what we *thought* were corpses were actually delicious marzipan

T-Rex: Oh crap! Everybody died! T-Rex: I'm the last person left alive on the planet! T-Rex: Oh craaaaaaaaaaa- Narrator: THREE WEEKS EARLIER... T-Rex: You know what's dumb? MY MP3 PLAYER. Dromiceiomimus: How is your MP3 player dumb, T-Rex? T-Rex: It should have one of those accelerometers or whatever in it, so it can charge itself from my motions throughout the day! Utahraptor: Those wouldn't generate nearly enough power! T-Rex: Okay, that's dumb too! T-Rex: We should have something that can turn the motion of my legs into enough electricity to keep an MP3 player charged. There, I just invented it. Someone implement it now okay?? Utahraptor: There are physical limits to what a - T-Rex (punchline): OH MY GOD JUST DO IT OKAY?? Narrator: SORRY WE WENT A WEEK OR SO TOO FAR BACK; THE EVENTS THAT LED TO EVERYONE DYING HAVEN'T REALLY STARTED YET Narrator: SORRY Narrator: LISTEN, THANK YOU FOR READING MY COMIC TODAY

OOH BABY DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S WORTH / OOOH HEAVEN IS A PLACE WHERE BLOOD PARASITES WHO WERE GOOD DURING THEIR LIVES GET REWARDED FOR ALL ETERNITY

T-Rex: You die and you go to heaven! And in heaven you get to live without suffering and all your old pets are there too. Geez. There may be dozens of pets running around. There's way more here than you can reasonably care for. T-Rex: And THAT means you start having to choose favourites! T-Rex: But that's kinda awful because OBVIOUSLY all the pets would want to be your favourite, and this is THEIR heaven too - so instead let's say your mind has been altered to remove favouritism and any dreams of doing things that aren't caring for long-dead pets! But that's changing your personality which is basically the death of self, so - let's say that doesn't happen either. T-Rex: Hmm. Utahraptor: Perhaps there's a personal heaven for each person? T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: And everyone ELSE in that heaven is an illusion constructed to maximize your pleasure, and therefore there's a separate heaven for each sentient being. Utahraptor: But then you're just seeing simulations of your friends: an eternity trapped with fake people on a holodeck you can't control. God: T-REX HAVE YOU GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE YOU REALIZE IF ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN THEN ALL SPIDERS POO-BUGS AND BLOOD PARASITES MAKE IT TOO T-Rex (punchline): Not... yet? God: SAVING THAT EPIPHANY FOR LATER HUH

this park used to be my favourite place in the world! it seemed bigger then

T-Rex: Groooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss! Gross. Narrator: T-REX HAS JUST FOUND SOME ROTTEN FOOD IN HIS FRIDGE COMICS T-Rex: Gross! T-Rex: As I'm attempting to convey, Dromiceiomimus, it was awfully gross! Why can't food get more delicious as it gets older? Why does everything have to turn to a brown mush whenever I forget about it? Dromiceiomimus: Because of the second law of thermodynamics? T-Rex: There isn't a first, second, third OR zeroth law of thermodynamics that I haven't broken! Utahraptor: I find that literally impossible to believe! T-Rex: My friend: allow me to prove it to you! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: T-Rex, you've proven nothing. All we've done is tour around the places you used to hang out as a kid. T-Rex (punchline): I'm sorry for the deception, but my tour sounds way boring before you actually go on it! Utahraptor: It WAS a great way to get to know you better! Narrator: T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR REMAINED GOOD FRIENDS Narrator: T-REX'S FRIDGE GOT GROSSER AND EVENTUALLY HE THREW IT OUT AND BOUGHT A NEW ONE Narrator: IT WAS A TERRIBLE THING TO DO Narrator: THE END

i predict some of the jerks on the news will apologize later, and we'll have to decide for ourselves what such an apology is worth

Narrator: PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR T-Rex: Wondering what's going to happen over the next 365.25 days? WONDER NO LONGER BECAUSE T-Rex: HERE T-Rex: ARE SOME PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR! Utahraptor: Whoah, that took you a long time to say. T-Rex: It added drama! Utahraptor: But it still took a long time. Look, Dromiceiomimus has already gone home. She's not going to hear your predictions. T-Rex: Then I guess we're spending our day tracking her down and bringing the predictions... to her! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I predict that this year there will be some hugs! And some jerks on the news! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex (punchline): You should probably invite us in, this next prediction is NC-17

i couldn't find any other reference for "frigedun" except for wikipedia, so wikipedia, you better not let me down on this one, i swear to god

T-Rex: I am a man who says "Frig" a lot, on account of how it's part of my irresistible charm. But guys, it turns out there's a Norse goddess named "Frigg"! She's Odin's wife! T-Rex: Best. Life. Ever! T-Rex: See, Dromiceiomimus, I was going to say "best goddess ever", but the fact that there's a goddess Frigg has immeasurably improved MY ENTIRE LIFE. Frigg! She can SEE THE FUTURE but doesn't tell anyone what she sees, so when someone stubs their toe they can say "Aw, FRIGG!" and that is DEFINITELY probably where the expression comes from. Dromiceiomimus: I don't believe that's the case? T-Rex: There's even a plant known as Frigg's grass. So awesome! Utahraptor: I can beat that, my friend! Utahraptor: In history, there was a place in England called "Frigedun", which means "Valley of Frigg"! T-Rex: Utahraptor T-Rex: I think I'll never be this excited again for the rest of my life T-Rex: Let us cherish this moment Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: T-Rex: Utahraptor! There's a city called "Batman" in Turkey!! I could have spent my life in BATMAN CITY becoming a master in the study of Frigg! T-Rex (punchline): If this isn't the final nail in the coffin for Leibniz's "we're in the best of all possible worlds" argument I don't know what is!

oh, feelings! you'll have to feel enough for the both of us; i'm out.

T-Rex: I checked it and it's true! Being sad is NO LONGER IN STYLE. T-Rex: From now on, all the WAY COOL people are happy! T-Rex: See what I'm doing, Dromiceiomimus? I'm making it so that sad people within the sound of my voice will now try really hard to be happy, so that they can be super ultra cool! Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure if there exists someone who's SO SAD but also SO CONCERNED WITH BEING COOL. At least, not within the sound of your voice. T-Rex: ...Why take the risk? Utahraptor: Peer pressuring your way through mental problems? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Maybe you've been sad for a while, but you've probably never tried a COMPLETE STRANGER telling you you'd be way cool if you weren't so sad anymore. Utahraptor: Well, I'm certain complete strangers will appreciate your meddling in their mental health and wellness. T-Rex: Excellent! Narrator: LATER, T-REX GETS SAD, HIS WORLD APPEARING GREY AND LIFELESS: T-Rex: Hah! Oh, EMOTIONS. T-Rex (punchline): Screw you guys

disappointed to not be able to work in the monohorse, the shuttlepack (a space shuttle that you strap on your back, somebody invent this PLEASE), and the consumer-market automocopter

T-Rex: Balloons are pretty cool. Rockets are pretty rad too! But radder than both put together? Oh, I don't know.... how about - T-Rex: - a ROCKOON?? T-Rex: A rockoon is when you just friggin' tie a rocket to a balloon! The balloon goes up some of the way, and then you FIRE THE ROCKET and it goes up the rest of the way! IT IS THE RADDEST WAY TO ARRIVE AT WORK. Dromiceiomimus: You - you can ride them into work? T-Rex: Heck, Dromiceiomimus, you can ride them anywhere! IT IS THE MAGIC OF ROCKOONS. Utahraptor: Man, you can't just make up transportation methods! T-Rex: Rockoons were used in the 50s, dude! T-Rex: But they were abandoned as aiming's pretty much impossible. Anyway, I can too make up new transports. Observe the DERIGITANK! And the skateboat! And the catapubmarine, gyrobus, and MAGLEV TRAIN. Utahraptor: ... T-Rex: -icopter. Maglev trainicopter. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...I think I gave myself an awesomeness stroke

writing comedy is EASY

T-Rex: I think urban legends start because someone tells a story, and then their friends who heard it tell it again and make it MORE FANTASTIC. This makes sense. T-Rex: Folks just want to tell increasingly awesome stories! T-Rex: This is why I always discount stories that "happened to a friend", or "happened to a guy I know" - you can probably be pretty sure that SOMETHING happened to some dude SOMETIME, but not much beyond that! Dromiceiomimus: What urban legend did you hear? The one where a woman eats a hot dog but then it's actually a real dog? T-Rex: No. That one's super dumb. Utahraptor: I heard it was real!! T-Rex: No you didn't! T-Rex: You didn't because Dromiceiomimus just made it up. There's no way you could mistake a hot dog for a real dog. One's delicious and the other's made of hot dog meat! T-Rex: That was an extremely funny joke, Utahraptor! You should be laughing right now. EVERYONE SHOULD BE LAUGHING, RIGHT NOW. T-Rex (punchline): EVERYONE

oh! and also the guns to put the bullets in and soon the lazer guns to put the lazers in.

T-Rex: You know what can kill me? T-Rex: Smallpox! T-Rex: Smallpox AND polio AND ebola AND plagues both black and bubonic, not to mention all sorts of colds that can become terminal. Also not to mention all the other sorts of plagues, ailments and diseases carried by POTENTIALLY EVERYONE I HAVE AND WILL EVER MEET. T-Rex: BROS: ALL THESE THINGS CAN KILL ME, BROS. Utahraptor: Experimenting with hypochondria? T-Rex: Flirting with it, anyway! Utahraptor: Well, remember that we've all got to die of something, and a lot of the reason these diseases are getting a chance is we've beaten or managed so many other things that would've otherwise killed you long ago. Heck, a thousand years ago you'd be way more likely to die from Too Many Chomps From A Tiger than anything else! T-Rex: Utahraptor, that is very compelling! I have only one question: what possible threat do you think a tiger could be? T-Rex: We are GIANT DINOSAURS. T-Rex: We are GIANT DINOSAURS who have taken the time to INVENT BULLETS. T-Rex (punchline): Ooh! And soon, lazers!

blinking in the afternoon sunlight, already fabricating the first lies of morning productivity

T-Rex: It occurs to me that democracy is pretty unfair if you're not a dude who's in the majority! Narrator: DEMOCRACY COMICS T-Rex: It sucks, because if everyone disagrees with you, then you'll never get anything you want. It's majority rule! MOB rule! Dromiceiomimus: Well, majority rule is sort of the definition of democracy, T-Rex. Not everyone can get everything they want! T-Rex: Yeah, but what if the majority decided to be totally racist against you? You're pooched! Utahraptor: People have worried about this before, my friend! T-Rex: What do they say? Utahraptor: Well, what you're worried about is called the "tyranny of the majority", and it's usually countered by the observation that there's at least a push for minority rights being respected in a democracy, since we're all minorities in one way or another. T-Rex: Right! Like how I'm in a minority because I sometimes like to sleep in on weekends. Off panel: Actually, I'd say most people like to do that, T-Rex. T-Rex: Really? Are you serious?? T-Rex (punchline): Have all my years of sleepy shame been for naught?

i wrote this here comic before the oscars gave out this year's award for "best actress", so everyone pretend last sunday night didn't happen, okay? okay.

T-Rex: We're reaching a point where gendering professional nouns is not usually considered acceptable. T-Rex: There's no more "poetessess" or "cartoonistellas", you guys! T-Rex: But I'm not sure we should give up on professional suffixes so quickly. Sure, maybe indicating gender is passé, but we can still indicate other things! Dromiceiomimus: Like what? T-Rex: Like, say, SEXUAL ATTRACTIVENESS? A lawyer can practice law, but a lawyerkapow can practice law AND looks super hot doing it!! Utahraptor: How is this close to a good idea? T-Rex: Maybe you're tired of not knowing if a given lawyer is super hot! Utahraptor: Then you can look at the lawyer and make your own decision! Tying someone's physical appearance to their job is terrible. How'd you feel if everyone in your class was a studentkapow, but you were just a student? T-Rex: I don't know, probably DAZZLED BY THE RAW PHYSICALITY OF EVERYONE AROUND ME? Off panel: You know, I keep forgetting I need to say "how do you think OTHERS would feel" and not "how would you feel" for questions like this. T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex (punchline): And I keep forgetting to remind you!

i take it back, puns are awesome

Narrator: THE HISTORY TEACHER T-Rex: Many hundreds of years ago, things were done in different ways! T-Rex: Many things were more primitive. All of the modern conveniences you take for granted did not exist! T-Rex: People died at a younger age. T-Rex: Travel was harder and took much longer! Utahraptor: T-Rex, your history lesson has no value! T-Rex: Why would you say that? Utahraptor: Because you're not giving any real information, just general trends! Utahraptor: I'm sorry, but I don't think you'll make a very good history teacher. T-Rex: Then I guess my career as an educator is... T-Rex (punchline): ...history?

everyone, think of how much fun things would be if we used "fubs" instead of "um"! police would be all, "where were you the night of april 21st, son?" and we'd be all, "fubs, uh, fubs..."

T-Rex: Hey, is it FUBSY in here? It feels like it's fubsy in here. Are you wondering what "fubsy" means, God? God: NOPE T-Rex: "Short and stout; squat!" T-Rex: I was using it incorrectly! T-Rex: It's just - it's such a good word, I wish I had more chances to use it. Would you say you're FUBSY, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I sometimes feel fubsier than most, T-Rex! T-Rex: Are we TRULY the fubsiest?? Utahraptor: Do you know what someone who is fubsy is called? T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: Fubs! T-Rex: FUBS! Oh my goodness. I have to get a dog so I can name him Fubs. Utahraptor: You already have a dog, the angriest dog in the world, if I recall correctly. T-Rex: From now on he's Fubs! His SUBTITLE is The Angriest Dog In The World. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Aw man, who peed on my couch? I bet it was Fubs!! T-Rex: [thinks] Hah hah hah! "Fubs". T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] It's Still Good!

i call this comic, "a frustrating day for utahraptor"

T-Rex: Do you guys know about T-Rex's Three Laws of Parties? I hope you do, because oh snap! This dude just went eponymous! Narrator: T-REX'S THREE LAWS OF PARTIES T-Rex: Law one: a sweet party may not injure sexy times or, through inaction, allow sexy times to come to harm. LAW TWO: a sweet party must allow admittance to any sentient being who is totally sweet, except where such admittance would conflict with the First Law. Law three! A sweet party must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the other Laws. Dromiceiomimus: Aren't these just superficially altered Asimovian laws of robotics? T-Rex: How is that a bad thing? Hello?! The laws worked for friggin' ROBOTS. Utahraptor: In fiction! Utahraptor: In real life they're super vague! How does a robot classify "harm"? T-Rex (punchline): But identifying sexy times at a party is EASY, Utahraptor! Any sweet party that obeys my laws is known as a T-Rexian Party and it has my full support, okay? AND they get my stamp of approval too: [T-Rex is wearing a pink crown and is surrounded by stars and a round stamp] Stamp: T-REX STAMP OF APPROVAL Stamp: OKAY, THIS PARTY SEEMS *AWESOME* Off panel: T-Rex Off panel: I can't see what I assume you're imagining

I MEANT PUT DOWN IN THE INSULT SENSE NOT IN THE ONCE I PICK YOU UP I HAVE TO PLAY WITH YOU LIKE AN ACTION FIGURE SENSE

God: YOU KNOW T-REX IT TAKES A SPECIAL KIND OF PERSON TO DEMAND A NEW GENDER-FREE SINGULAR PRONOUN T-Rex: Thanks! God: AND END UP ON "BITCHES" T-Rex: Thanks!! God: NO SEE I WAS USING "SPECIAL" IN A DEROGATORY SENSE T-Rex: And you're using "derogatory" in a complimentary sense? God: WHAT NO God: YOU'RE A HARD PERSON TO PUT DOWN T-REX T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex: I THINK it's on account of how I only hear what I want to! It's a new thing! Just started it. Utahraptor: T-Rex, you are smart and handsome and awesome and rad! T-Rex: Yes, go on? Utahraptor: And I think you are really great, just - just super boss, ultimate amazing. T-Rex: Wow, it's great how your mouth movements match your words! I wish I could take the credit for that. Utahraptor: Do it, dude!! T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: Huh! T-Rex (punchline): There's PROBABLY a downside to this that I'm not seeing?

Zombies have appeared and humanity is failing, until we get some help from a very unexpected source, long thought to be merely the stuff of folk tales: the vampires. Revealing themselves en masse worldwide, they join our side. With their help, humanity at last stands a fighting chance for survival. We don't know why the Vampires are helping us until a second-act reveal shocks us with the origin of Zombie Zero, whose mindless bite first began spreading the degenerate strain. But just as it seems like humanity might win, we discover even as society was crumbling, elements of the U.S. Army began experiments in weaponizing... The Bite. Army-branded pseudo-zombies have broken loose: and unlike the ones we were originally fighting, these ones think. These ones work in squads. These ones answer only to The General.

T-Rex: When you become a vampire you become undead. Even though your body has died and your heart no longer pumps and lungs no longer breathe, you live still. Your brain is fine. Your intelligence is unaffected. You have not suffered a death of self. T-Rex: Pretty sweet deal, babes! T-Rex: But what if that delicate process that turns you from mortal to vampire... failed? What if something in this turning went wrong, even briefly? We can suffocate to death in minutes, suffer brain damage in seconds. Suppose, during that transformation from a being who needs an active circulatory and respiratory system to survive to one who doesn't, there was a problem. Suppose your brain - everything that makes you YOU - died. Utahraptor: Why, you'd be left with an undead body but a dead brain! T-Rex: SOUND LIKE ANYONE YOU KNOW?? T-Rex: Utahraptor, I put to you that vampires and zombies ARE, IN FACT, THE SAME BEING. Zombies are merely FAILED VAMPIRES, the degenerate case of that transformation process!! The thirst for blood, without an intellect to restrain it and refine it, becomes a mindless hunger for flesh! Utahraptor: Holy crap. T-Rex: I KNOW. VAMPIRES JUST GOT AWESOME. T-Rex: Y'ALL CAN THANK ME LATER T-Rex (punchline): WITH, LIKE, LICENSING DEALS

where 'eat' means 'cannibalize', of course. also: these are dinosaurs! what the heck am i doing?

T-Rex: Oh man, let's talk about zombies! They're the coolest by far! T-Rex: PHILOSOPHICAL zombies, that is! Dromiceiomimus: Philosophical zombies? Do you mean like a zombie Plato or Ayn Rand or something? T-Rex: While that WOULD likely be more fun to talk about, I am instead referring to the idea of a person who acts externally like a real, sentient person, but who actually lacks consciousness. A mental zombie! A philosophical zombie. Utahraptor: But these "zombies" act human? T-Rex: Sure do! But inside they are DEAD. Utahraptor: So there's no real way to tell if anyone is a philosophical zombie. This is the same old "I'm only REALLY sure of my own consciousness" argument, only sexed up with the living dead! T-Rex: You must admit that it makes the whole debate a lot more interesting. Off panel: Not really! Philosophical zombies never even eat the flesh of the living! T-Rex: Well, they probably could, if they wanted! T-Rex: We all probably could, if we wanted. T-Rex (punchline): You know?

tgiTODAYISTHEONEDAYAWEEKWHEREWEARENOTFORCEFEDBEETLESDAY

T-Rex: Wednesday! The Romans named it after the god Mercury ("Wodanaz") and we continue to this day! T-Rex: Because nothing's more important than a dude from history that nobody believes in anymore! Dromiceiomimus: You'd suggest something better in its place? T-Rex: Yes. LITERALLY ANYTHING. Instead of "I'll see you next Wednesday" we could say something like "Oh, I'll see you next... BURGERDAY". That includes burgers both veggie AND ham, so everyone will be happy! T-Rex: EVEN THE VEGANS Utahraptor: I'll see you next VIDEOGAMESAREFUNDAY? T-Rex: They CAN be fun, yes! Utahraptor: Okay cool, we'll meet up the day after THEBASEMENTISFULLOFBODIESDAY. T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: It's right after INTHISHOUSEALLTHEBEDROOMDOORSLOCKFROMTHEOUTSIDEDAY? Come on man. This is baby stuff. T-Rex: ...Huh. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Well paint me orange and call me Garfield, because I hate MON...STROSITIESEMERGEFROMINSIDEYOURMOUTHDAYs! T-Rex (punchline): My question is how do they even get IN there!

THIS should have been called 'depression comics'

Narrator: OBJECTIVISM COMICS T-Rex: Everyone (including me) is an end in himself: not a means to an end for others! T-Rex: This means that I should exist for my own sake, neither sacrificing myself to others, nor sacrificing others to myself! The pursuit of my own rational self-interest, and happiness, is the highest moral purpose of my life! T-Rex: If I must deal with others, it should be as TRADERS, in a pure capitalist system. No charity! No sympathy! Just business, an exchange of value for value. Utahraptor: But where does love fit into this system of Objectivism, T-Rex? T-Rex: What do you mean? Utahraptor: Well if everything is viewed as a business arrangement between traders without charity, then how can you have love? Love is selfless. T-Rex: Nope! Love is selfISH. You see value in someone, and they see value in you! You want access to this value, so you arrange a spiritual exchange. T-Rex (punchline): Hey, that rhymes!

guys like t-rex, they had it made

T-Rex: I wonder, did growing up in a small town influence my values? T-Rex: Perhaps! T-Rex: Though, I think, not as much as I would have liked it to. Sometimes I feel like I cling to my small-town origins as a substitute for a real identity! Utahraptor: You’re suggesting that a small town provides a "ready made" identity? T-Rex: Yeah! T-Rex: You know, a certain touch of naïveté, a wonder at the accoutrements (subways, etc) of modern city living... Utahraptor: Well, we all tend to define ourselves with or against something: a home town seems as good a thing as any! T-Rex: [narrates] Years later, I would reflect on this exchange, and find in it so much of what I missed from that time. T-Rex: Ah, those were the days! T-Rex (punchline): [narrates] It made me feel certain that, had I an old La Salle at the time, it would have ran great.

oh, p.s. - tip number four: high fives! all men love high fives!

Narrator: COMICS FOR HETEROSEXUAL WOMEN today's comic HOW TO PLEASE A MAN T-Rex: Ladies! Pleasing a man is EASY! T-Rex: Here are some simple sexy secrets to pleasing your man! T-Rex: Men love a woman who remembers his birthday. Try remembering your man's birthday, and then when the big day comes, tell him that you hope he has a good time, because he deserves it! Dromiceiomimus: That IS a good tip! T-Rex: It works on all men who have been born. Utahraptor: Here's one: try being nice to him, even if you're having a bad day! T-Rex: Solid! T-Rex: Finally, experiment with remembering your man's interests! That way, when a gift is called for, you can look for one that dovetails nicely with those interests. He won't forget it! Utahraptor: Wow! I personally don't see how any relationship can fail with these sure-fire tips. T-Rex: I agree! I would say that if the relationship is failing despite these tips, then you and your man may have insurmountable, fundamental differences, even if you love each other more than you can say. Nothing's meant to last forever, ladies! T-Rex: Anyway! T-Rex (punchline): Food for thought!

that and trade, but if you have nothing to trade, perhaps money will make you do some things for me??

T-Rex: I described my awesome story, and yet, nobody has come to me and given me a movie deal! T-Rex: Is - is the world... broken?! Dromiceiomimus: All you had was a plot outline, T-Rex! You need something more solid. T-Rex: Like a novel? Or a screenplay? Or a stage play? Or a radio drama? Or a puppet show? Or a TV pilot? Or a web series? Or a comic book? Or a video game? Or a narrative epic song?? Utahraptor: Yes, those are all examples of mediums one can work in. T-Rex: PERFECT. Utahraptor, you know this stuff! T-Rex: Can you write my story for me real quick? I'll pay you. Utahraptor: You want me to ghost-write it? T-Rex: Is that what it's called? All I want is to pay you money and then you do what I tell you to, even though you wouldn't otherwise consent to it? T-Rex (punchline): It sounds awful but I believe it is the basis of our entire economic system??

why are we printing these things LIVE

T-Rex: I have the greatest idea for a movie! I've said this before but this time it's for serious. There's this cop, right? T-Rex: Right! T-Rex: And he's a "by-the-books" cop who does everything "by the books". But one day a big crime is committed and the only guy who knows anything about it is this criminal: a criminal who is prone to cracking wise! So the cop and the criminal have to team up to stop the bad guys before they commit crimes again. And at the end they have learned to respect each other's way of life, and they hug for a while. Five stars! Utahraptor: Aw, T-Rex, come on. Why would a "by the books" cop team up with a criminal? T-Rex: Um, TO SOLVE CRIMES?? Utahraptor: But he's by the books! I don't think there's anything in the "books" about deputizing criminals to go after other criminals. Why wouldn't he just interrogate him to get the information he needs? T-Rex (punchline): ...The movie takes place on a planet where interrogation is banned. Movie poster: On a PLANET where INTERROGATION is BANNED Movie poster: One “BY THE BOOKS” COP and one WISE-CRACKING CRIMINAL have to TEAM UP to CATCH OTHER CRIMINALS Movie poster: they eventually UNDERSTAND each other and HUG Movie poster: also the cop is a DINOSAUR we should have put that on the TOP of the POSTER

god's 0 for 2. backstory: t-rex is wondering if he's developing as he should

T-Rex: Are you there, God? It's me, - God: YO RIGHT HERE God: WHAT'S GOING ON T-REX T-Rex: You know, not much! T-Rex: I was just wondering if You'd heard any good jokes lately. God: MAN NOPE CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE T-Rex: Really? You haven't heard ONE good joke? T-Rex: Maybe even a joke that was just alright? Utahraptor: T-Rex? Utahraptor: Who were you talking to, just now? T-Rex: Oh, I was just chatting up God to see if He had any good jokes - but no dice! Utahraptor: I'm not sure we'd even be able to UNDERSTAND a joke God would make! T-Rex (punchline): Come to think of it, yeah! I bet He'd do something lame like making all of the Universe the joke or something! God: AW GUYS God: YOU GOT ME

for someone who does like his vegetables, i sure make a lot of anti-vegetable comics

T-Rex: I certainly didn't sneak into the Utahraptor's house and eat his food again, that's for darn sure! T-Rex: [thinks] Blaming others removes suspicion from myself! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, are those crumbs on your chin? Did you sneak into the Utahraptors house and eat his food? Dromiceiomimus: No and no! I, unlike YOU, never do stuff like that! T-Rex: I don't know... seems to me like maybe you did! Utahraptor: Stop eating my food, damn it! You have the ability to go find your own nourishment! T-Rex: Who, me? Utahraptor: Yes, you, T-REX. Somebody's eaten my food and whenever that happens it's always you. Utahraptor: I can tell because all the cookies are gone, but you left behind anything with vegetables in it! T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! Yep!

guys, i've been working on a 20s newspaperman voice! the secret: talk clipped and fast, mention how the name of the game is "selling payhpahs", and call women "dames", "broads", and finally "tomatoes".

T-Rex: My life - ALL LIVES, in fact - would be measurably improved if I had a sweet accent! FACT. T-Rex: And it totally doesn't count to say I already have an accent! T-Rex: We're being relative here; it has to be different from everyone else around me. Wouldn't it be great if I sounded like Dame Judi Dench, Dromiceiomimus? I mean, a male version? Ooh, or like Cary Grant! I could sound like the platonic form of charming, suave, unreliable and debonair MANHOOD. Dromiceiomimus: Have you tried faking it? T-Rex: Oh for sure, but all my accents sound like bad Irish fakes! T-Rex: It's confusing and disappointing. Utahraptor: So you want to sound like Cary Grant, eh? Utahraptor: Why not hire voice and accent coaches, like actors do? I don't see why the same "here's how to talk like someone you're not" lessons wouldn't apply just as well to you. T-Rex: Utahraptor, that's brilliant! Oh my gosh. My lifelong dream can finally now be realized! Narrator: A FEW MONTHS LATER: T-Rex: Why, hello there, Utahraptor! Wouldn't you agree I sound like a young Cary Grant? Off panel: I would! T-Rex (punchline): Well, sure! It would be harder to hear my accent, however, if our conversation were relayed in text-based medium.

don't tell me any of this is wrong because i have observed several poker games and noted that i deduced the rules with 100% accuracy

T-Rex: In poker, you have a hand full of cards, and everyone else has a hand full of cards, and you all just have to deal with that. Narrator: POKER AS SHE IS PLAYED T-Rex: The object of the game is to get rid of your cards! In Round One everyone gets to decide how many of their cards they want to drop, but it turns out no matter what number you say, you get the same amount of cards back to replace them. Ha ha! This game was designed by a madman. You go around in circles with each trying and failing to discard; it is pointless and futile. T-Rex: After everyone remembers that, it's on to Round Two! T-Rex: In this round, you realize that your cards are actually... POKÉMON. Utahraptor: It's a total Pokémon rip off! T-Rex: I know, right?! The only difference is your cards attack all at once and don't even evolve, so it's like a dumb baby version. And, AS ALWAYS, a full Electric team EASILY beats a mix of Water and Flying-type Pokérmon! Utahraptor: Only they call those "straight flush" and "full house" instead. Even the names are dumber!! T-Rex: The winner is the person who KOs all the other cards, and as a prize, the losers have to pay the winner actual real-life money. The losers get LITERALLY POORER because their random cards didn't fight the best in imagination land! T-Rex (punchline): Doesn't that sound like FUN??

i want to use panel 2 as my single "go-to" panel that i can show people in case anyone asks me what dinosaur comics is all about. i'll hand it to them, printed out, alone in a brown paper bag. "enjoy!", i'll say!

Narrator: ADVENTURES IN METAPHORS! T-Rex: Hey everyone, let's kick up our metaphors a notch, okay? It's time for 800-pound gorillas to become 1000-pound gorillas! T-Rex: 10,000-pound gorillas!! T-Rex: It's time for us to do things three-quarters assed. Or deci-assed. If we're doing something femto-assed then why are we even doing it at all? Dromiceiomimus: It's time for us to not just break the ice, but smash it? T-Rex: We can do whatever we want, Dromiceiomimus! We can gently tap on the ice. We can rub our cheeks on the ice. WE CAN SMASH THROUGH THE ICE WITH A SUPERHEATED NUCLEAR BOMB!! Utahraptor: I don't see how this engenders effective communication. T-Rex: And I don't see how that's possible! T-Rex: We will not be "rolling in dough", Utahraptor. We will be SNOWBOARDING down MOUNTAINS of dough. Dough will splash up and get in our eyes. We will have to go to the doctor, and we will say, "You can keep what you pull out of my eyes, Doc. These days, I'm snowboarding down mountains of the stuff." Narrator: LATER: ADVENTURES IN FRIENDSHIP! T-Rex (punchline): Why didn't he compliment my metaphor

utahraptor's wrong in panel four, t-rex is not dismissing the thousands of people who register dropped domains and fill them with porn: all the porn reregistrations are done by one man. he is the horniest man in the world, he has exceptionally broad sexual interests, and he only wants to share.

T-Rex: Folk I Will Never Be Friends With: a list by me, T-Rex! T-Rex: One! Folks who snap up expired domain names and fill them with porn! T-Rex: It's terrible! You guys, you're like the kid in school who - who snaps up an empty desk and then fills it with - um, porn. Analogously, I mean. The point is YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSING ANYONE. Fill expired domain names with adorable pictures of puppies and then maybe we'll talk! T-Rex: In fact, yes, we will talk! I'll be the one saying "oh my gosh oh my gosh SO CUTE"! Utahraptor: Two! Folks who dismiss thousands of people out-of-hand based on one quality! T-Rex: Three! T-Rex: Folks who refuse to accept that one quality can easily be a dealbreaker! Utahraptor: Four! Folks who say ostracization's better than reconciliation or rehabilitation! T-Rex: Five! Folks who say that's a good point but it's not my role to make everyone conform to my world-view! Off panel: Six! Folks who say that's ALSO a good point and furthermore, that there's certainly nothing wrong with personal tastes! T-Rex: Hooray! Friends again! T-Rex (punchline): Alright, so listen, my list got a bit crazy at the end there

in some variants, even if discovered, your friends will try to run away from you and reach their "home base". you, my friend, should probably begin to reconsider your choice in pals.

T-Rex: Everybody independently somehow comes to the conclusion that they'd rather be alone than hang out with you for even a second longer! It's your greatest self-doubt given form. It's your worst social nightmare realized! T-Rex: And it's happening RIGHT... T-Rex: ...NOW. T-Rex: You say, "You can't be serious, right? All of you? You're kidding, right?" but everyone just stares at you, and when you search their faces you don't even see regret in their eyes. It's just - anticipation. Desperate, you say "I'm going to close my eyes, and I'm going to count to 10, and I'm going to let you change your mind," but you know what will happen. When you open your eyes, feeling stupid, you're alone. Of course you're alone. Of course. Utahraptor: But you're not going to take this sitting down, are you? T-Rex: You're damn right!! T-Rex: Instead, I'm going to hunt down each of my so-called "friends", one by one. And when I find them, I'm going to tap them on the shoulder and say "Did you honestly think you could hide from me forever? Really? BECAUSE I FOUND YOU." Utahraptor: Then what? T-Rex: Then... T-Rex (punchline): Then they'll HAVE to be my friend, and we can all ditch someone else instead! Narrator: HIDE AND GO SEEK Narrator: AS SHE IS PLAYED

comics written to salt-n-pepa's shoop: it is shorter to list comics not written to salt-n-pepa's shoop

God: T-REX I NEED A TUTOR WHAT CAN I DO WITH A NEW COMPUTER T-Rex: Organize your digital recipe collection / Watch some website download a spyware infection!! T-Rex: Photoshop your friend into different hats / Start a blog only it's all cats! T-Rex: Connect to a variety of Microsoft Exchanges / Open up a spreadsheet and discard your friggin' changes! Dromiceiomimus: Remember that living to see tomorrow is not a guarantee / Better play some games on your home PC! Utahraptor: Go on Usenet looking for a date / Maybe someone hot reciprocates? T-Rex: COMPUTER, SPEAK TO ME Off panel: I AM A COMPUTER PROGRAMMED TO SAY EXACTLY WHAT T-REX TYPED BIN / BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE IN T-Rex and Utahraptor: wikky wikky God: SORRY I MISSED YOUR BIRTHDAY T-REX BUT I HOPE THE UNIVERSE SUDDENLY BEING A RAP MUSICAL MAKES UP FOR IT T-Rex (punchline): I felt it in my hips / so I dipped back / to my bag of tricks!! God: YES God: THAT IS TO BE EXPECTED IN THESE SITUATIONS

superman? in MY reality? it's less likely than you think. :(

T-Rex: We start with the number of planets orbiting red suns! T-Rex: And we multiply that by the chance of a planet having an unstable nuclear core! T-Rex: And we multiply that by the fortunate chance of having a parent who is a literal rocket scientist. Dromiceiomimus: Good god! You're not - it couldn't be - T-Rex: - YES, Dromiceiomimus. YES. T-Rex: I'm calculating the EXPECTED REAL-LIFE SUPERMAN GENERATION RATE. Utahraptor: But we have basically no idea how many habitable planets there are in the universe! T-Rex: True! T-Rex: But we know OUR sun will be a red dwarf eventually. So it's just the odds of our species surviving long enough, times the odds of having a rocket scientist parent, times the odds of free superpowers when landing on a strange planet orbiting a queer yellow sun! Utahraptor: So... zero? T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): I'm going back to bed

A Lesson About Friendship, or, T-Rex Got A Letter From Utahraptor And It Was On Fancy Paper And T-Rex Was Like, Okay, What The Hell Is He Trying To Say Here

T-Rex: If my friends are not successful, then I've surrounded myself with losers. T-Rex: But if my friends are more successful than me, then I'M the loser in the group! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, this is an awfully mercantile way of looking at things. "Success" can take many forms: financial, personal, and so on! You might be the best in your circle at say, lacrosse, while - T-Rex: - while someone else might be the best at having really important feelings and then talking about them; I know. Let's say I measure success as an appropriately weighted average of all possible forms. The issue remains! Utahraptor: I'm not convinced such an average exists! T-Rex: Suppose it does, though! Utahraptor: Okay, then all you've really done is assign each of your friends a score and used that to label some of them "losers", which is KINDA AWFUL. We don't form friendships with someone to feel better than them! We're friends with a person because, in some way, they complement us. T-Rex: Of course!! Off panel: "Complement" had an "e" there, T-Rex, not an "i". T-Rex (punchline): ...Ohhhh

later, the devil is all alone and he says 'THAT WAS AS GOOD AN EXPLANATION AS I DESERVE'

Devil: MMM T-REX I'VE NOT YET EXPERIENCED A NON-VIRTUAL ROAD TRIP AND WAS WONDERING IF CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE LIKE T-Rex: In one sentence starting with "Dude"? Devil: FINE T-Rex: Dude, road trips rule! T-Rex: What's special about them is that it's a time when you and your friends can sit together in single place for literally hours and chat, but protracted silences don't need to be filled. You can just look out the windows or nap! If you were all in a blank room somewhere, it would be weird to just sit there and stare at the walls, but the ever-changing scenery in a car provides a distraction that is both welcomed and also easy to interrupt. There's nothing like it! Utahraptor: An idea: we should all go on a road trip! T-Rex: Yes!! I agree! T-Rex: I vote we trip to: Brazil! Utahraptor: That's pretty far. How about someplace closer? T-Rex: THE ISLAND CONTINENT OF AUSTRALIA?? Utahraptor: We'd need a car that works on water for that. T-Rex: Okay! But Utahraptor, what's that across the street? A car that works on water?? Off panel: [small] aw come on you guys it's mine T-Rex (punchline): Jacques Esqueleto!! I thought I made you up!

"hurry up and puke!! i've just had a great idea for some koopa troopa fan fiction"

T-Rex: I was doing a search on my name and discovered that there's ANOTHER guy called "T-Rex" out there! T-Rex: And he's a VEGAN! T-Rex: HILARIOUS. Utahraptor: Vegans are hilarious now? T-Rex: Oh man, are they? Utahraptor: No no, I meant, "This is hilarious because he's vegan?" T-Rex: Ah, no, it's hilarious because he's the opposite of me! He's a vegan while I'm adding meat to my milkshakes. When I'm high fiving people left and right, he's sitting around just leaving 'em hanging! T-Rex: When I'm taking a beautiful woman to dinner, he's helping a homely man throw up! When I'm writing a beautiful narrative, he's writing Koopa Troopa fan fiction. Off panel: Sounds like he's having the more interesting evening. T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex (punchline): I'm not sure how that happened

i wrote the "cats and kittens, chicks and dudes!" in the first panel as an "attention, ladies and gentlemen!" sort of thing, but the more i think about it the more i think it works better as a super rad curse, like something you'd say right after you stub your toe. "cats and kittens, chicks and dudes!! that hurts like hell."

T-Rex: Cats and kittens, chicks and dudes!! I was wrong! T-Rex: You CAN force your heirs to punch a bear in your will! T-Rex: If I make a CONDITIONAL bequest while of sound mind and body and possessing FULL TESTAMENTARY CAPACITY, a probate court is entirely likely to honour those clauses! Dromiceiomimus: Conditional bequest? T-Rex: Yeah, like "You must punch out a bear within three weeks of my death, or the diamonds go to some charity instead!" T-Rex: Only, I don't actually write "some charity". Utahraptor: You name the charity. T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Utahraptor, I'm SO EXCITED. I kinda want to become super rich now, because the more money I have the more AWESOME CLAUSES I can put into my will! "Sure, you can have some money now that I'm dead... IF YOU KISS FIFTY DUDES IN THE NEXT THREE MINUTES, GO GO GO!!!" Utahraptor: Hah! T-Rex: Man! I take it back, dying is AWESOME. T-Rex: Um, parts of it, I mean! T-Rex (punchline): The parts where the dead bribe the living seem pretty rad is all I'm saying

even the simple english wikipedia page is four pagedowns! here, let ME put it in simple english: TOO LONG; DID NOT EVEN BEGIN TO READ; CLOSED TAB ON LOAD AND SAID "WHATEVER I GOT THIS"

T-Rex: Today I am going to plagiarize out-of-copyright books! And I choose... T-Rex: MACBETH. T-Rex: And here we go!! T-Rex: "Macbeth was a king, I think? And his wife made him murder... someone... because... there's witches?" Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I hate that this is now a question that's going to have been asked, but - Dromiceiomimus: *sigh* Dromiceiomimus: Did you even read the book you're plagiarizing? T-Rex: I did! I had to read it for school I'm pretty sure. Utahraptor: And I'M going to regret asking this, but - Utahraptor: Did you even read at least the Wikipedia plot summary of the book you're plagiarizing? T-Rex: Nope! This is PURE ME, baby. Utahraptor: Somehow, you've found a new rung below plagiarists on the author ladder: "plagiarists who didn't even look at Wikipedia". Congrats, I guess? Narrator: LATER, T-REX CHECKS WIKIPEDIA: T-Rex: Hello?! The Macbeth article is like 10 pagedowns long!! T-Rex: UMMMMM T-Rex (punchline): I'M NOT MADE OF PAGEDOWNS, WIKIPEDIA

you can get a model t horse in any colour, as long as it's horse

T-Rex: People don't want traditional! They want NEW and SEXY. If people wanted traditional we'd all be driving around on Model T horses or whatever. T-Rex: With that in mind, I have started a new religion: Buddhism 2! T-Rex: Buddhism 2 is like Buddhism, but bigger, badder, and better than ever. If you liked the four noble truths, you'll LOVE that we've doubled them up, giving you eight sexy new truths to choose from! And if you believe suffering is caused by desire, well then GET READY TO SUFFER, because we've taken Nirvana and kicked it up to the max. You won't believe your eyes! Utahraptor: Wow, you can write bad copy like nobody's business! T-Rex: Thanks, man! T-Rex: Buddhism 2 ALSO includes the startling revelation that Buddha had a daughter. Wow! She's the slim and sexy new smilin' face of Buddhism, now in a tiny red bikini! Would you like to know more? Utahraptor: No thanks! I make it a rule not to join religions started by my friends or peer group. Narrator: LATER: T-REX GETS VISITED BY A GANG OF BUDDHISTS: Off panel: Stop making crappy sequels to our religion! T-Rex (punchline): Buddhists! Are you interested in trading up to a religion with SIXTEEN COLLECTABLE CUPS? Off panel: a little Off panel: i mean NO

T-REX IN HEAVEN EVERYONE ALWAYS HAS FULL SIGNAL STRENGTH AND THEIR RINGTONES ARE THE THEMES OF THEIR FAVOURITE EDUCATIONAL TELEVISION PROGRAMS

God: HEY T-REX YOU KINDA SHOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE WITH CELL PHONES T-Rex: Huh? T-Rex: Why not?! God: WELL IN SOME PLACES PEOPLE DON'T REALLY USE REGULAR PHONES God: I GOT A CELL PHONE YOU KNOW T-Rex: You do? God: YEAH IT'S PRETTY GREAT MY RINGTONE IS THE THEME SONG TO TELEFRANCAIS Utahraptor: Who are you talking to, T-Rex? T-Rex: God, again! T-Rex: He was just telling me that I shouldn't make fun of people with cell phones, because He has a cell phone too! Utahraptor: What does God need with a cell phone? T-Rex: Huh! What DOES God need with a cell phone? God: ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE ONE T-Rex (punchline): Friends?! God: UM I MEAN God: LESSER GODS

it is a straight-forward example that can be applied to your own life

Narrator: A METHOD BY WHICH SOCIAL CONSTRAINTS SERVE TO LIMIT PERSONAL FREEDOM Narrator: a comic T-Rex: Today I am hungry! Perhaps I could satisfy this hunger by eating... T-Rex: ...everyone? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you look delicious today! I would love to have you for dinner tonight! Dromiceiomimus: W-what, you want to eat me? T-Rex: I am going to eat everyone! Utahraptor: You can't threaten to eat your friends! T-Rex: Says you! Utahraptor: Well, you CAN, but then they won't be your friends anymore. T-Rex: Because I will have eaten them! Utahraptor: No! Because they will eat YOU and cut you up with their pointy toenails! T-Rex: Perhaps I will not eat my friends after all! Off panel: Perhaps! T-Rex (punchline): Perhaps!

the social graces of morris the bug, toast, and fleshy lips, TOGETHER AT LAST

T-Rex: It's time to spice things up, dudes and ladies! Today I am only going to make BAD DECISIONS. Narrator: BAD DECISIONS COMICS Dromiceiomimus: Aw no, T-Rex! Why can't you be like a regular person and only make bad decisions by mistake? I don't get this romance you have for regret. T-Rex: It's exciting, Dromiceiomimus! And I guess I do like the IDEA of bad decisions more than I like the, you know, ACTUAL CONSEQUENCES of bad decisions, but this might cure me of that at least! Utahraptor: So let's hear these bad decisions then! T-Rex: I haven't made any yet! T-Rex: The only idea I have right now is to invent kitchen appliances that somehow crave the flesh of the living. That'd be a bad decision, right? Utahraptor: Kinda? T-Rex: EXCELLENT. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Don't try to eat me, toaster! Off panel: [tiny] i won't t-rex T-Rex (punchline): I can see you licking your lips while looking at my sumptuous belly, toaster! Off panel: [tiny] awww darn

there's a spooky skeleton inside each of us! NEVA4GET

T-Rex: Our bodies are amazing things! T-Rex: Check it, everyone! T-Rex: We use our mouths to talk. We invent, remember and teach entire languages with which to do the talking! And if that fails, we can TALK WITH OUR HANDS. We build planes and boats and cars and spaceships, all by either using our bodies directly, or by using instruments invented by our bodies. We compose beautiful music and tell amazing stories, all with our bodies, these fleshy bags with spooky skeletons inside! T-Rex: And yet... Utahraptor: And yet? T-Rex: And yet, if we have a severe enough peanut allergy, we can be killed IN SECONDS by a single friggin' legume. And hey, 70% of our planet's surface is water, but what happens if we spend too much time in it? WE DROWN. Utahraptor: Game over! T-Rex: Game over, man! T-Rex: I used to make fun of Green Lantern for being vulnerable to the colour yellow! Then I choked on my orange juice one morning and nearly suffocated. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): *sigh*

i used to play this game in high school all the time. it has a good combination of 'rate how much you like your friends' with 'haha maybe i won't call up this person and they'll be like 'oh snap ryan never called me on the last day on earth' and i'll be all, 'HOW DO THOSE APPLES AGREE WITH YOU??'. high school, ladies and gentlemen

T-Rex: Everyone! T-Rex: Let's pretend the Earth is going to explode at midnight tonight! Dromiceiomimus: Aw crap! The world is going to explode at midnight tonight! T-Rex: I know, right? Who are you going to hang out with? If you try to reach a single person who's far away, it means you can't visit people closer to you that maybe, cumulatively, you like more! Dromiceiomimus: Ah, it's no biggie! I'll just divide how much I like someone by their distance from me. Utahraptor: Personally, I'm flattered you're hanging out with us! T-Rex: Yeah, I guess I am! T-Rex: Well, Utahraptor, the planet is exploding at the end of the day. Anything you wish you'd done before you die? Utahraptor: I mean, YEAH, but nothing I can see through to completion in a few hours. T-Rex: Personally, I'M going to eat a lot of junk food, since who cares about heart disease now? NOT ME! Narrator: FIFTY YEARS LATER: T-Rex (punchline): man, SCREW heart disease

plus, author-insertion yu-gi-oh fanfic is one of life's finest joys

T-Rex: My parents didn't live in a world where they had the internet SILENTLY ARCHIVING EVERYTHING THEY EVER DID when they were young and stupid! T-Rex: But I do have this "internet" of which I speak! T-Rex: And YES it's embarrassing that when I was 12 I was really into Sonic The Hedgehog's relationships, and YES as a non-tween I now wish I had posted less about an imaginary hedgehog's relationships. But I know I'm not the only one who posted stupid stuff online! Dromiceiomimus: I posted fan fiction epics about Coke and Pepsi getting into slashly H/C frenemy relationships. T-Rex: I FEEL YOU, DRO. Utahraptor: I don't have any internet regrets in my closet! T-Rex: Hah! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. T-Rex: But even if it's true you're a dying breed! Soon an entire generation who posted stupid stuff when they were kids will finally come of age. When you can look up the President's author-insertion Yu-Gi-Oh fanfic from 40 years ago, do we finally admit everyone is dumb sometimes? Do we, at last, give up on shame? On regrets? T-Rex: My friends, children are our future, and our future CAN be great. But that greatness needs the next generation to continue posting their WIP angst crossover fics under their real names, just as we did. We need this! T-Rex (punchline): I NEED THIS

punch the monkey and end world hunger to win a free iPad? ON IT.

T-Rex: Got FRIGGIN' COCKROACHES in your house? No problem! T-Rex: They're tropical insects, cats and kittens! T-Rex: Turn off the heat and wait for winter, and it's curtains for them! Dromiceiomimus: But isn't it likely they'd just move next door where it's still warm, and then move back when it's heated again? T-Rex: ...True. Okay, so you get your neighbours to live in the cold for a few weeks too! And by "neighbours" I mean "the entire city". Utahraptor: But there'd still be cockroaches in other cities that could hitch a ride when someone moves! T-Rex: Right. T-Rex: Okay, so turn off all civilization for a few months; all the roaches die of COLD OVERDOSES. Except those in tropical climes, where there's no cold to kill them, and with international travel and shipping providing tons of ways for them to return. T-Rex: ... T-Rex: FINE, I GIVE UP Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: Kill all the cockroaches to win an iPhone 4? I don't see why not! Off panel: You actually win TWO of them. T-Rex (punchline): TWO IPHONES 4??

i came up with this comic instead of thinking about sex, and you read it instead of thinking about sex. hey, good for us!

T-Rex: So the average adult is supposed to think about sex like, a billion times a day, right? Sometimes more? T-Rex: ...Especially if they're bored? T-Rex: Well I'M going to be ABOVE-average, Dromiceiomimus, and I don't mean I'm going to think about sex two billion times per day! Instead, I'm going to think really productive thoughts instead of sexy ones. Every time I start to think "sex" I'll instead think "How can I make things better? How can I solve ALL the problems?" T-Rex: And I'm not allowed to answer those questions with "sex" either! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: So how's the problem-solving going? T-Rex: Honestly: not so well! T-Rex: The thing is, I've had YEARS of practice at thinking sexy thoughts; I've got that down COLD. But I'm a rank amateur when it comes to this! Utahraptor: None of those skills transferred over, huh. T-Rex (punchline): I'm SINCERELY SURPRISED by how poorly my erotic imagination prepared me for solving such serious world issues. Book cover: I'm Sincerely Surprised By How Poorly My Erotic Imagination Prepared Me For Solving Such Serious World Issues Book cover: The T-Rex Story Book cover: “A biography full of surprises, not the least of which is how poorly T-Rex's erotic imagination fared on the world stage." -The New Yorker

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPROPOS OF NOTHING I VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP

Off panel: *click* T-Rex: Aw dang!! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Frig, Dromiceiomimus, I locked myself out! My keys AND everything else I own is trapped inside a house that, thanks to my thoughtlessness, I no longer have access to!! Dromiceiomimus: You can hire a locksmith to cut the locks open. T-Rex: HOW CAN I PROVE I'M ME?? All my ID is inside the house! Utahraptor: Just show them a photo once you're inside! T-Rex: Ridiculous! T-Rex: That is a huge loophole that ANY NUMBER of evil twins could exploit. Utahraptor: I think you'd be surprised how often there's no security measures against evil twins in real life. Why, you could ask your friend Utahraptor... IF HE WERE HERE!! T-Rex: AHHHHHH- Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: -HHHHHPARENTLY YOU HAVE BEEN SUBSTITUTED FOR HIM T-Rex (punchline): IS HOW I WOULD SUMMARIZE YOUR SENTENCE

also apparently i have memento disease?? maaaaaaaaaan

T-Rex: Okay, so let's say I sleep 8 hours a day: that's 16 hours a day I'm awake. T-Rex: And let's say I'm knocked unconscious for, on average, 2 hours a year! T-Rex: That takes into account times I hit my head on low-hanging chandeliers, and times when enemies punch my head. Okay, so that's, what - 243 days of consciousness a year? 66% of the year. I've had almost 18 years of consciousness since I was born. T-Rex: I should have done more by now! Utahraptor: Why haven't you cured cancer yet, T-Rex? What is the friggin' hold up? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Cancer's a bad example because I'm so far from being a doctor, but what HAVE I done with my mind, with my brainpower? I've had, effectively, 18 full years, uninterrupted without sleep, to think about the world's problems! And I've solved ZERO of them. Utahraptor: I don't know what to tell you, my friend! Narrator: 15 YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Man, I STILL haven't solved any world issues! This is like a mid-life crisis, except it's been ongoing since I was six! Off panel: This is the worst first date I've ever been on. T-Rex (punchline): AW CRAP I'M NOT MARRIED YET EITHER??

so after i wrote this comic i realized that i hadn't heard a 'confucius say' joke in years. maybe they've finally been relegated to crappy joke books and greeting cards? i hope so. if that is the case, i am sorry for reminding everyone. and that's JOKES EXPLAINED EXPLAINED

Narrator: JOKES EXPLAINED PRESENTS: "CONFUCIUS SAY" T-Rex: This vaguely-racist form of comedy relies upon the double-entendre! It narrates the advice of a man called "Confucius" who delivers many a "bon mot". T-Rex: For example: "Confucius say... man who run in front of car get tired!" T-Rex: Ho ho! Did you catch the comedy there? There are two meanings in that phrase! If you didn't get it, don't worry - the key to emulating understanding is often just to repeat the last word or phrase. Fake a laugh, say "Hah! TIRED." and you will be SET. Utahraptor: Was there a real-life Confucius, T-Rex, or is he merely a convenient fictional device? T-Rex: Well! T-Rex: As you know, there was in fact a real Confucius. He lived in the 5th century in Ancient China (then called "China") and was and is an incredibly well-respected philosopher! Utahraptor: Indeed! T-Rex: So yeah, you've got to be careful, because the real Confucius said many non-hilarious things. T-Rex: Phrases like "they who know the truth are not equal to those who love it" are not meant to be laughed at! SO DON'T EVEN TRY. T-Rex (punchline): To conclude, I hope people needed this joke explained, because otherwise I've been hardcore wasting my time today!

utahraptor this banner you hung up over here is super convenient and matches our conversation perfectly! how did you know??

God: MAN DOES NOT LIVE ON BREAD ALONE T-REX T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: PROVABLY FALSE. T-Rex: And I'm just the bread-hungry dude to prove it!! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Want some bread, Dromiceiomimus? I'm living off it. Dromiceiomimus: That's impossible! You'd thirst to death in days without water. T-Rex: Hello? Bread is way moisture-rich! Especially the way I bake it. Utahraptor: But you're not getting the vitamins you need! T-Rex: Also totes untrue! T-Rex: If we're going to walk around saying we don't live by bread alone, maybe we should've checked to make sure that I can't bake vitamin pills into some mushy, watery bread. BECAUSE I CAN. I DID. I PUT IT IN MY MOUTH AND ATE IT. Utahraptor: You'll still suffocate without air. T-Rex: Oh crap, you're right! Banner: Man does not live on bread alone - but only because you'd suffocate. T-Rex: You can still make some awesome breads though! T-Rex (punchline): Plus air is free so WHATEVER!!

let's dish!

Narrator: INTERNET DIARY COMICS! T-Rex: Hey, I have a great idea! I'll get a webpage, and then I'll put up all sorts of personal stuff about myself and my friends on it! T-Rex: Then when it blows up in my face, I'll - T-Rex: Um! T-Rex: Anyway, to the internet! Narrator: OPTIMISM COMICS! Utahraptor: Hello T-Rex! How are you today? T-Rex: Hello my friend! I'm fine! Utahraptor: Great! Listen, T-Rex, we've known each other for a long time, right? T-Rex: Right! Utahraptor: Right! Well, there's something I've been meaning to tell you - something I should have said when we first met... T-Rex (punchline): Sweet!

originally the utahraptor replied 'i wouldn't mind losing this one!' but that's not true at all

Narrator: HOW TO WIN ARGUMENTS T-Rex: Winning arguments is easy! T-Rex: The secret is to convince your opponent that arguing with you isn't worthwhile! When they abandon the argument/friendship, you win! T-Rex: It's really that easy! Utahraptor: I feel your technique isn't one for winning arguments; rather, it's one for losing friendships! T-Rex: No! T-Rex: I SPECIFICALLY specified that it's for winning arguments/friendships. Utahraptor: First: annoying your opponent doesn't mean you've won. Second: you can't "win" a friendship. It's not a competition! There ARE no winners or losers. T-Rex (punchline): Hmm... sounds to me like somebody lost their last few friendships!

HAHA SEEMS LIKE 1997 WAS A GOOD YEAR EH T-REX

God: TIME TO TELL PEOPLE SOME EMBARRASSING SECRETS T-REX T-Rex: Aw man, I don't want to tell anyone my few remaining embarrassing secrets! Come on. God: SERIOUSLY IT'LL BE A HOOT T-Rex: No! God: DUDE COME ON TELL PEOPLE YOUR EMBARRASSING SECRETS God: IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN God: FOR ME God: GOD T-Rex: Okay! Okay, FINE. I'll tell ONE embarrassing secret and that's it! T-Rex: But all you're getting is one secret, no more! Utahraptor: Who's getting a secret? T-Rex: Apparently, you are! And the secret is this: when I lost my virginity, I had the song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba stuck in my head the entire time. I just really liked the song. I remember being afraid I'd hum it afterwards! Utahraptor: Hahahah! You get knocked down, but you get up again! T-Rex: Now don't go around telling that secret to anyone else, okay? Off panel: I already sent it out over the news wires! T-Rex (punchline): THAT WAS SO IMPROBABLY FAST!

i am popular at the parties of strangers

T-Rex: Hysteria was once thought to originate in the womb ("hystera" is the Greek word for "womb"). This had the nice side-effect of making men immune to it! Narrator: A HISTORY OF HYSTERIA T-Rex: It was thought to be caused by the malfunction, or sometimes just the presence, of the uterus. Women were crazy because their wombs were so wacky! People went as far to suggest that women should not be taught, because enlarging the brain would shrink the womb, making them useless as mothers and even MORE hysterical. Treatment sometimes included genital massage! Utahraptor: You sure know a lot about the history of hysteria, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's true! T-Rex: And it's why I never call a woman OR a joke "hysterical". I don't want to be accused of tacitly endorsing historically institutionalized sexism! Utahraptor: Hah! I might accuse you of that just for fun. T-Rex: Aw, MAN! Narrator: T-REX DECIDES TO EXCISE THE "HYSTERA" ROOT ENTIRELY FROM HIS VOCABULARY, JUST TO BE SAFE: T-Rex: So I hear you're having a minuswomb operation? Off panel: Excuse me? I'm having a hysterectomy. T-Rex: Yes! A "uter-b-gone". T-Rex (punchline): A womboval?

OR WAS IT?? CHECK BACK TOMORROW TO SEE IF THIS TITLE TEXT HAS BEEN UPDATED TO REVEAL WHETHER OR NOT IT REALLY WAS FROM A VIDEO GAME

Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: CLIFFHANGERS T-Rex: Cliffhangers are when you leave things unresolved, so the audience stays... T-Rex: ... T-Rex: ...around! It's so the audience stays around. T-Rex: Usually there's some threat that makes things SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE, or a startling revelation that appears at the last second. Dromiceiomimus: As way of an example, I've rigged that house with a nuclear bomb that will explode when it's stomped on, and also, I'm your sister!! T-Rex: ... T-Rex: FRIG THAT Narrator: TO BE CONTINUED Narrator: AND NOW, THE CONCLUSION: Utahraptor: Another problem is that cliffhangers sometimes don't resolve at all! T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: And when they do they can be unsatisfying, like when it turned out you were dreaming about that Dromiceiomimus bomb sister thing. Just as you're dreaming right now. Wake up T-Rex!! ONLY YOU ARE A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT! T-Rex: What? Narrator: TO BE CONTINUED Narrator: AND NOW, THE CONCLUSION: T-Rex (punchline): That "bad dude" thing was from a video game

for fun times, try calling people in positions of authority (teachers, police) "my boy". this may depend on your definition of "fun" and to a lesser extent, "times"

T-Rex: Everyone knows I look forward to being an old man - that I covet the societal get out of jail free card that being old gives you! People will say, "Oh, don't mind T-Rex! He always pees on his neighbour's flowers." T-Rex: "But it's because he's OLD." T-Rex: But I think my issue is that while I can see myself now (young, vibrant, effervescent) and imagine myself when I'm old (crotchety, petulant, charmingly belligerent), I don't see any in-between stages. The day I start going around with a walker is the day I finally become an old man, and that sucks! That means I'm old as soon as my body's old, and it's way too late to fully enjoy it then. Utahraptor: Don't tell me you're planning to become prematurely old. T-Rex: It is now my stated intention!! T-Rex: And I'm going to start it by calling everyone "my boy". How's it going, my boy? Utahraptor: I'm not your boy. T-Rex: My boy, when you're my age, you get to call all sorts of things all sorts of things! Utahraptor: You're creeping me out. IT DOESN'T WORK IF YOU'RE NOT OLD. T-Rex: My boy, my boy, my boy. T-Rex (punchline): [small] Myyy boyyyyyyyy

oh here's your problem: you don't have an order by clause here and the default is timenoted and defaults are for chumps. here, let me change that to "select * from life order by radditude". alright champ, you're good to go! have fun!

T-Rex: Imagine a dude whose life just keeps getting better. He starts out unemployed and feeling useless. T-Rex: Then later, he has a job! T-Rex: Then he has a better job, and he gets more and more satisfied with his professional life and personal life and no matter what he does things just KEEP GETTING BETTER for him. Doesn't that sound nice? Dromiceiomimus: Pretty nice, dude! T-Rex: I know! I SERIOUSLY WANT TO BE THIS DUDE. Utahraptor: You already are! T-Rex: Not really! Utahraptor: Yeah you are, you're just running through your life in the wrong order. Go from worst to best and you're there! T-Rex: But my age will vary wildly from one moment to the next! Utahraptor: Sure, and those first few years are rough but who cares? IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER. Off panel: Your final few years alive will be spent being successful and winning awards and kissing attractive people while you're both naked! T-Rex (punchline): LIFE TRULY IS MAGNIFICENT, DUDES. T-Rex and off panel: We're just sorting it incorrectly!!

the campaign was one of those 'i'll put up posters myself' sort of things

Narrator: T-REX AS CULTURAL CRITIC: T-Rex: What's with mainstream music nowadays? It's all so BAD. If I wanted facile lyrics, I would just write them myself and make sure not to try very hard! T-Rex: All the music I hear on the radio has lyrics by Timmy! T-Rex: Plus I saw this painting of a woman the other day, and it was clear that the painter had no idea what he was doing! It's as if someone just described to him in passing what a woman looked like, and he was all, "I got it, guys!" Everything was just a little off. It was a portrait by Timmy! Utahraptor: Who is this "Timmy" guy? T-Rex: He's a rhetorical dude! T-Rex: He's also my new critical trademark. When something is really juvenile, I'll say it's by Timmy. It implies so much earnest ineptitude! Utahraptor: T-Rex! All you're going to do IN THE BEST CASE is ruin the name of real people called "Timmy"! T-Rex: Man, I already did that before with my safe-sex campaign! Remember? "It is almost certain that you will contract STDs from guys named Timmy"? T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! Ouch for Timmy!

i do my best

T-Rex: Powerful images for the passage of time: T-Rex: A clock's hands, sweeping past 12! T-Rex: A sped-up landscape scene, with urban growth and decay happening in mere seconds! Dromiceiomimus: The Earth spinning in orbit! T-Rex: An old woman holding aged lace and gazing at a faded photograph of herself, as a young girl, posing in her prettiest dress! Utahraptor: Brightly coloured fall leaves, being gently covered in snow! T-Rex: Ooh, good one! T-Rex: I think my favourite was the old lady with the photograph of herself. Utahraptor: Yeah, but that image is complicated - it additionally includes both aging and menopausal issues! T-Rex: That's true. T-Rex (punchline): I certainly don't know much about menopause, though! Narrator: “Menopausal issues in comics”

BACKSTORY: T-Rex isn't quite certain what racism is, but is very concerned that he might be racist because he's been hit by a few taxis.

T-Rex: People who cut me off on the road are usually taxi drivers. The two accidents I've had have both been hit and runs where I'm the one hit, and they've both been with taxis! T-Rex: I think I'm becoming racist against taxi drivers! Dromiceiomimus: I don't think it's called racism if it's against a heterogenous group like taxi drivers, T-Rex. T-Rex: Nevertheless, it's the same emotion, the same irrational distaste! I don't know what else to call it! I'm PREJUDICED. It's terrible! Utahraptor: So if you were throwing a party, would you invite a taxi driver? T-Rex: Of course I would! T-Rex: I just wouldn't like it if they showed up in my living room in their cab, that's all. Utahraptor: So you only dislike taxi drivers when they're driving taxis? Maybe you just hate the game, but not the player! T-Rex (punchline): In other news, I'm now also racist against that phrase!

english you have unlocked DOUBLE sexist! maybe now you want to go for some other achievements for a while, huh champ?

T-Rex: Hey, English! Why you gotta be so sexist? Narrator: WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO SEXIST, ENGLISH T-Rex: Why you gotta have a word like "old maid", chock full of negative connotations for unmarried adult women, but there's no equivalently-negative term for unmarried adult men? Dromiceiomimus: And don't forget "spinster"! T-Rex: Holy crap, ENGLISH! Why you gotta be DOUBLE SEXIST?? Utahraptor: "Old and undesirable bachelor"? T-Rex: Not lexicalized; doesn't count! Utahraptor: Well, language generally reflects usage, so REALLY you should be asking historical generations why they thought being an adult unmarried woman was SO TERRIBLE. T-Rex: I can't! They're all dead! T-Rex: ...which I guess means they paid for their sexism with THEIR VERY LIVES?? T-Rex: Hah hah hah! I finally have a way to deal with history being SO FULL of jerks! The nice people from history who died will probably make me sad though. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): You know, eventually!

Robert Frost called free verse "playing tennis without a net"! I LOVE ROBERT FROST. Also Robert Service. Big into Roberts over here.

T-Rex: Okay, forget sonnets with their rules nested within rules! You know what's easy? FREE VERSE. T-Rex: FREE VERSE WITH PURCHASE, BABY. T-Rex: See what I did there? It's like that "free Tibet with purchase of another Tibet" joke, but I'm using "purchase" in the "get a firm grip or footing" sense, so my poetry will be free verse that is solid and allows for easy understanding. Dromiceiomimus: I saw, T-Rex! T-Rex: You're the best, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: So let's hear this free verse! T-Rex: Hold on to your sanity, my friend, because YOU ALREADY ARE! T-Rex: Everything I'm saying is free verse! Utahraptor: I thought free verse still had to, you know, have poetic elements in it. T-Rex: Oh, crap, that's just because I wasn't using my reading voice. One sec. T-Rex (punchline): Okay, forget sonnets with their rules (nested within rules) you know what's easy? free verse free verse (with purchase?) baby Off panel: You win this round

the reason you don't see more around-the-world races in submarines that can ALSO turn into planes? PANSY-ASS SISSYHEIRS

T-Rex: You guys! I just wrote the best will. It's the best will! God: DOES IT HAVE NIGHTS IN A HAUNTED HOUSE T-Rex: It DOES! T-Rex: And that's just where it starts. After my would-be heirs spend the night in the haunted house, which is clearly specified in my will to be ACTUALLY HAUNTED, they have to successfully navigate a series of dares and challenges - punching bears, eating chairs, that sort of thing - all designed to bring them together and underline a valuable life lesson: "MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING". Then, they get the money. Utahraptor: They'll just contest the will, T-Rex! T-Rex: What's that? Utahraptor: They'll contest it, or everyone will agree to redact the bear-slappy clauses. Happens all the time. T-Rex: The hell? This is my LAST CHANCE to make people do things for money, and you're saying they're not legally bound to do it?! T-Rex: Man! T-Rex (punchline): Dying DOES suck.

raw nasty poops suggests the possibility of non-raw nasty poops which is, itself, raw nasty

T-Rex: Bigfoot! He's a hairy protohuman who lives in the woods and is bad at being in well-composed, visually competent photos. T-Rex: Or is he instead really just totally fake OH SNAP TWIST!! T-Rex: If Bigfoot is real, we can expect to find Bigfoot droppings in the woods. However, as he is basically a human dude, these poos would be virtually indistinguishable from a human dude's poops! And as nobody wants to touch a human dude's raw nasty poops, no actual research into this area has ever been done. Dromiceiomimus: Or is ever likely to be done! T-Rex: I know, right? Poop's so gross, can we all just agree on that right now? Utahraptor: If Bigfoot's fake, how do you explain... THIS! T-Rex: ...Explain what? Utahraptor: My empty hands. As you can see by their positioning, I was about to bite into a large watermelon but Bigfoot stole it, leaving them sadly empty. T-Rex: Pfft. Come on! If that were true, why'd he stop there? Why wouldn't he steal the two churros per hand that I'VE been carrying around with me all da- T-Rex: OH CRAP BIGFOOT IS REAL T-Rex (punchline): AND HE HAS NO CONCEPT OF PERSONAL PROPERTY TOO, THAT'S WEAK

Brazil celebrates National Saudade Day on January 30th. Brazil, I had no idea you were so romantic and classy! There's no Canadian National Let's Be Sad Day, though I kinda wish there was because I'm pretty sure every Canadian already celebrates it, just, you know, on different days and by surprise

T-Rex: English has like a million words in it! So we've got a word for everything, right? T-Rex: WRONG NO THAT'S WRONG STOP SAYING THAT T-Rex: For example, the Portuguese have the word "saudade", which means basically "deep nostalgic longing for something that's left and is loved and which, though we may repress that knowledge, may never return". You can even get the saudades for someone in the present while anticipating the future, or for something that doesn't even exist! Utahraptor: It's kind of a frothy mixture of nostalgia and regret, right? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: So you can see why it appeals to me. We should lexicalize that sentiment into a single English word, so that we too might talk about it easily and - dare I dream - more often? Utahraptor: Okay! What'll the word be? T-Rex: Let's go with... NOSTALGRETZ. T-Rex: "I've got nostalgretz for the town I grew up in: we moved away after it was destroyed by aliens and that battle was covered up by the man; I'm on the run now because, like the truth, I refuse to be silenced." T-Rex (punchline): That sentence is a lie, but the sentiment within it: 100% real!

past t-rex is t-rex of a few minutes ago! i like his style!

T-Rex: Imagine if I snuck up behind some guy and put a "kick me" sign on his back, only instead of "kick me", it said "kiss me"? Hah hah! T-Rex: That is one dude who's going to get all the sweet makeouts!! T-Rex: And he would have no idea why suddenly all these people are making out with him! From behind! Dromiceiomimus: You should do it! Maybe even guys would kiss him, because the sign told them too! T-Rex: Hee hee! It's the ultimate prank! I'm gonna do it. Should I do it? I'm gonna do it. Dromiceiomimus: Do it, T-Rex! T-Rex: But, on the other hand, putting a "kiss me" sign on someone's back would be EXTREMELY CRAZY! Utahraptor: Do it! T-Rex: Hah, you think I should do it? Utahraptor: Man, go for it! T-Rex: Let's ask past T-Rex what he thinks! Narrator: PAST T-REX: T-Rex (punchline): Do it, dude!!

MAYBE YOU MISSED IT / WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE I KINDA WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT

God: T-REX WHICH ARE BETTER DOGS OR CATS T-Rex: I guess PERSONALLY, I prefer dogs. So, hey! I don't mean to be rude, but as God, um - T-Rex: Don't you have anything better to do? God: OH HEY T-REX I HAD A BUSY WEEK A WHILE BACK IN WHICH I CREATED WHAT WAS IT AGAIN OH YEAH God: THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE God: MAYBE YOU MISSED IT T-Rex: That was like a 7.17 hundred billion weeks ago! God: AH SO JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR WHAT YOU'RE ASKING ME GOD IS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY T-Rex: Well! What HAVE you done for me lately? Utahraptor: I gave you some eggs and you said you'd make me muffins! T-Rex: No, I was asking God - Utahraptor: Then you baked the muffins, and then, you ate all the muffins. T-Rex: Okay, but th- Utahraptor: Then you sent me an email that said only "i dont feel so good DUDE!!! X-D" T-Rex: [thinks] I have no memory of this, but I DO only break out the "X-D" emoticons in the course of a sincere apology T-Rex: Alright! T-Rex (punchline): Your story checks out!

t-rex is clearly under the impression that putting theories into practice is a big turn-on for the ladies. i have no grounds to dispute this

T-Rex: I have accomplished much today and it's not even noon yet! I feel as if I could take on anything and anyone and succeed! T-Rex: And ladies, I am all about putting theories into practice! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Give me a challenge! Dromiceiomimus: Sing the alphabet! T-Rex: Something DIFFICULT. Dromiceiomimus: Jump to the moon! T-Rex: Something difficult yet possible, Dromiceiomimus! My stars! This is like a 1920s comedy routine without the punchline. T-Rex: Man, anyway! I'll come up with my own incredible challenge. Utahraptor: I've got one for you! Utahraptor: How about you go TWO DAYS without stomping on anyone or anything? This is my challenge to you. T-Rex: Aw - but, man! I was looking for a challenge I WANTED to do. Anyway, yeah, I can do it. Easy. Easy peasy Japanesey. T-Rex: ! T-Rex (punchline): Is that racist??

dino babies: the babies with the toddler-sized appetite... for adventure!

T-Rex: [thinks] Dino babies! T-Rex: THIS IS SUCH A GREAT IDEA. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Dino babies! I'm - I'm going to write a story in which we're all babies! And friends. Friendly dino babies! You and me and Utahraptor! Dromiceiomimus: Are we precocious? T-Rex: We'll talk and go on adventures even though we're all in diapers! So, yes! Narrator: DINO BABIES GOES STRAIGHT TO #1! Utahraptor: T-Rex! You totally ripped me off!! T-Rex: I didn't! Utahraptor: YES YOU DID. Baby Utah is CLEARLY based on me, and it's not even a flattering likeness. "I made a baby barfie"? I don't talk like that! Babies don't even talk like that!! T-Rex: Um, my muse says otherwise? Baby Utah: i made a baby barfie Baby T-Rex: hah hah hah! Baby T-Rex (punchline): aw damn i made one too