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where's that joker batman; sleepytime batman; walked outside half as bruce wayne and half as batman, said "damnit" and ran back inside batman

God: SO HEY T-REX YOU'VE INVENTED TWO LANGUAGES IN AS MANY DAYS T-Rex: I know! Sometimes I worry my brilliance is a curse! T-Rex: But then I remember that actually no, it's super great! God: MAYBE YOU SHOULD FOCUS ON GETTING SPEAKERS OF THESE LANGUAGES THOUGH T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, will you learn my new languages? One makes you say the same sentence in different ways and the other's where you always have to talk about feelings. Dromiceiomimus: I'll stick with Dinosaurese, thanks! T-Rex: That's not a real thing T-Rex: Utahraptor, you'll speak my languages, right? Utahraptor: Man, they're all variants on English! T-Rex: No, they're ORIGINAL languages copyright ME that are merely INSPIRED by Englis- Utahraptor: Look, I'll give you an analogy. You know how you want an awesome Batman action figure? T-Rex: Obviously! Utahraptor: Right! Off panel: But when you go to the store, all they have are Fishin' Ahoy Batman and Folly of Space Batman and you end up going home SAD and empty-handed again. THESE VARIANTS ARE YOUR NEW LANGUAGES. T-Rex: NEVER T-Rex (punchline): - has an analogy been so accurate and personally damaging

they live in a small town where everybody knows everybody else's birthday, and also their grandfather's birthday

T-Rex: I heard it was somebody's birthday today... T-Rex: My grandfather's! T-Rex: Wow, that's exciting! I wonder who'll be at the party tonight? T-Rex: Will there be cake? T-Rex: I'll show off my balloon-animal-making skills! Utahraptor: T-Rex, you missed his birthday! It was days ago! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: Yeah, that's the thing with birthdays: they only come once a year, and if you miss the day, you miss out! T-Rex: Shoot! I'll just have my own party for him then! Narrator: THAT EVENING... T-Rex: Wow... Grandfather sure knows how to throw a party! T-Rex (punchline): Who wants some cake?

i have long held that t2 is the platonic form of action movies. all it's missing is a sex scene, and all that does to a movie is make it awkward to watch with your parents, so whatever! living liquid metal robots from the future NEVA4GET

Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO SAY GOODBYE: T-Rex: Later! Narrator: THAT WAY'S OKAY Narrator: NEVER USE THIS WAY PLEASE: T-Rex: Compadres! I bid you each... ADIEU! Narrator: THIS WAY IS ALSO PRETTY TERRIBLE: T-Rex: It's not "goodbye", just - "farewell". This isn't the end, Dromiceiomimus, but merely the end of an era. One door closes as another opens, and we can't forever live in the past! A new, brighter tomorrow beckons. Narrator: I DON'T KNOW WHERE T-REX IS GOING WITH THIS. IT IS JUST ONE CLICHÉ AFTER ANOTHER. IF I COULD TALK TO T-REX I WOULD SAY, HELLO T-REX, WHAT IS THE DEAL. Narrator: HERE'S A GOOD WAY: T-Rex: Hasta la vista, tiny woman! Utahraptor: Stop it, T-Rex! Narrator: THAT WAS GOOD BECAUSE WE ALL SAW TERMINATOR 2. THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD MOVIE Utahraptor: I liked it. T-Rex: Oh my God, me too!! Narrator: ANYWAY IT IS NOT THAT HARD TO SAY GOODBYE. Narrator: THE ONLY TIME IT IS HARD IS WHEN YOU ARE SAYING A FINAL GOODBYE TO SOMEONE WHO MEANS MORE TO YOU THAN ANYTHING: T-Rex (punchline): I'll always love you! Narrator: WORDS WILL SEEM TRITE AND YOU'LL FOREVER REGRET YOUR INABILITY TO EXPRESS YOURSELF. THE END!

alternate ending: 'the kid has like a bazillion parents! and as you know, parents are the wingmen on the flight through life.'

T-Rex: Okay! So, we get a couple - no! - a polyamorous CROWD of people, who all want to have a child, but who are all infertile. So! Then we get a donated fertilized egg... T-Rex: ... and bring it to term with a surrogate mother who is herself married! T-Rex: THEN, you give the child to the polyamorous crowd, who have new members replace old ones quickly and quite often. Um, infinitely often. T-Rex: THAT’S, I think, how you get a child with the highest number of people who could possibly claim parentage. Tada! Utahraptor: You've outdone yourself this time, my friend! T-Rex: How's that? Utahraptor: Well, you’ve raised pretty much every socio-reproductive issue in the book, and also RUINED THE LIFE OF AN IMAGINARY CHILD. T-Rex: I haven't ruined any lives! The kid has like a bazillion parents: think about his birthday! T-Rex (punchline): PRESENTS

emily horne of a softer world and jeremy of cmdrriker.tumblr.com and i spent an evening gorged on pizza coming up with all these cards; good times, best times

T-Rex: Outside of the card is just the words "I'M NOT GAY.", all caps, a nice bold sans-serif on a stark white background. You open it up, and in smaller type it reads "but I'm gay for you"! And there's a little heart! OH MY GOD T-Rex: ADORABLE T-Rex: We're going to have a full line of cards, Dromiceiomimus! "I'm not straight / but I'm straight for you", and there's a little picture of a RULER. Dromiceiomimus: That one should appeal to about one in ten people! T-Rex: IT'S ADORABLE. "I'm not sleepy / but I'll sleep with you."? And there's a little picture of a teddybear in a nightcap? Oh snap! WE JUST MAXED OUT CUTE. Utahraptor: "I'm not here / but I'm here for you", with a picture of a telephone? T-Rex: Awww! Long-distance cards! T-Rex: Utahraptor, we have to get on this. We can become card barons and EVEN BETTER, we can make the CUTEST CARDS EVER for every life situation. "I'm not perfect / but I'm perfect for you"! "I'm not happy / but I'm happy for you"? Utahraptor: Those seem creepy and emo, respectively! What's that last one: a breakup card? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): "I'm not of age! / But I'm - Off panel: T-REX Off panel: STOP RIGHT THERE

if i can steal a joke from drmcninja.com: if you didn't whisper to yourself ''i do!'' in the first panel, then either you have just heard a lot of old jokes about oatmeal, or you are lying.

T-Rex: Who here would like to hear an old joke about oatmeal? God: DAAAMN God: I WOULD T-Rex: Then here we go! T-Rex: Okay okay, so there's this monastery, with three monks, and only one monk is allowed to speak, once, each year. They take turns! The first year, at breakfast, the first monk speaks and says "I hate oatmeal." A year later, again at breakfast, the second monk speaks and says "I love oatmeal." Finally, one year later, the last monk gets to speak and HE says "I'm tired of this constant bickering about oatmeal!" T-Rex: Hee hee! Comedy gold! Utahraptor: Aw, that's an old joke! T-Rex: BUT A GOOD ONE! It's funny, I think, because the conversation is spread over three years, and NORMALLY, you'd expect monks not to talk about oatmeal for that long. Utahraptor: I think it's funny because monks are normally thought of as holy, not as oatmeal obsessed OR oatmeal loathing! God: I THINK IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY T-Rex: Is it? God: WELL NO BUT I CAN MAKE IT SO IT IS IF YOU WANT T-Rex: Dude!! T-Rex (punchline): I'm afraid I'll have to insist!

DEAR MENTAL DIARY: NOBODY BETTER BE READING MY MENTAL DIARY

T-Rex: There sure are a lot of songs about dancing! I have probably heard at LEAST three hundred songs about dancing. God: ACTUALLY YOU'VE HEARD 1365 SONGS ABOUT DANCING T-Rex: Aww, you counted! T-Rex: So why is music so reflexive? There aren't tons of paintings about PAINTING, for example. Or plays and/or movies about sitting and watching a play and/or movie, for that matter! Dromiceiomimus: Actually T-Rex, that's not really true, and plus that's not really a fair comparison. Dancing is something you do in response to music! There are lots of paintings, films and plays that really ARE about your response to them. T-Rex: Well! SO MUCH FOR THAT FUNNY RANT. Utahraptor: Looks like! T-Rex: Wait, this can still be salvaged! Utahraptor, you know what I dislike? PEOPLE AT THE GROCERY STORE WHO TAKE A LONG TIME AT THE CASH, FOR VARIOUS REASONS!! Utahraptor: Yep! T-Rex: They, um - they sure could be faster, is what I'm sayin'. T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Dear mental diary: everyone here sucks. Maybe I should take my act to the grocery store!

every comic over the past 5 years was just setting the stage for this joke. thanks for reading, everyone!!

T-Rex: A few months ago I said I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. It turns out it's a lot of work? T-Rex: But guys! I still totally want to be a stand-up comedian! T-Rex: So I've been doing RESEARCH. I've been going to Comedy Club after Komedy Klub and figuring out how their performers make jokes. It's easy to duplicate the bad comedians, but it's hard to figure out the good ones! Dromiceiomimus: How so? T-Rex: Comedy relies on surprise, I think! There's a twist that makes a joke funny, and I haven't figured out a generative algorithm yet. Utahraptor: Hey, I wanted to try stand-up too! T-Rex: Then come with me tonight: we'll go to a show! Narrator: AFTER THE SHOW: T-Rex: Man! How do those guys do it? Every comedian up there was HILARIOUS and I don't know why. Especially the Triceratops. Utahraptor: Comedy's hard, I guess! T-Rex: I just can't figure out these... these Dinosaur Comics. God: OH GOD T-Rex: What? T-Rex (punchline): You know what? It's really weird when you say that.

THIS IS WHERE OUR STORY ENDS

T-Rex: Tired of all the things you usually eat? Maybe it's time for T-Rex: ETHNIC FOOD?? T-Rex: For example, Swedish Berries! They're a candy and "Swedish" is right in their name! Or, if you want to take your taste buds on a journey to the land of Sour Patch, try consuming their pre-packed childre- Dromiceiomimus: I don't know if these really count as ethnic food. T-Rex: Oh, I get it. You want VEGETABLES. T-Rex: Well, there are tons of vegetables you maybe haven't eaten yet! Utahraptor: NO! T-Rex, stop! YOU'LL TRIGGER THE ELDRITCH CURSE!! T-Rex: Try Chinese eggplant, Hawaiian eggplant, Indian eggplant, Filipino eggplant, Holland eggplant, American eggplant, Japanese eggplant, Thai eggplant, Italian eggplant and if you'd rather be the ball than the boot, Sicilian eggplant. Not to mention Cambodian green giant eggplant, Loa lavender eggplant, Utahraptor: No T-Rex (punchline): [crying black tears] Lebanese brunching eggplant, Ukrainian beauty eggplant, green goddess eggplant, pea eggplant, white eggplant, Rosa Bianca eggplant, green apple eggplant, graffiti eggplant, Zoa eggplant, black egg eggplant, little fingers eggplant, little green eggplant, Zahara eggplant, Turkish orange eggplant, long wh

yes, he was good enough to leave infinite heirs infinity dollars to split infinitely equally among themselves

T-Rex: David Hilbert was a mathematician and hotelier who was born in 1862. He built an infinite hotel, you guys! Narrator: THE INFINITE HOTEL Narrator: A TRUE STORY T-Rex: So Hilbert built this infinite hotel that was infinitely big and had infinitely many rooms; I believe this was a matter of some investment. But build it he did, and soon after a bus with infinity people in it showed up, with each of them wanting a room! Lucky for Hilbert he had his infinite hotel, so each guest got a room, and the hotel was filled up to capacity. Nice! But just then another friggin' bus showed up, and it ALSO had infinity people in it! Utahraptor: Nobody builds for TWO infinite buses showing up right after the other! T-Rex: Turns out they do! T-Rex: He just told every guest already there to move into the room that was double their current room number. So the guest in room 3 moved into room 6, and so on! Thus, only the even-numbered rooms were occupied, and everyone on the new bus could have an odd-numbered room! Utahraptor: Amazing! T-Rex: Yep! Anyway! T-Rex (punchline): It's my understanding he died an infinitely rich man infinity years later

Afterwards, Antonio Tony said, 'My credit card debt and car payments are two sides of the same coin', and continued, 'much like these breasts which I now see before me.' Amelia paused. 'I cannot help but wonder about your name', said Amelia.

T-Rex: "On The Menu, by T-Rex.". Ahem. "As Amelia and Antonio Tony who are the two members of the wait staff in this story took off their clothes, they realized that sexual intercourse was probably 'On The Menu' tonight!" T-Rex: "'Excellent!' they said, in unison!" T-Rex: "Well, almost in unison. Antonio Tony, the man, was a little slow on that. It was because he was thinking of his taxes. '10 thousand dollars in taxes!', he thought, 'That is a lot of money. Where am I going to find that money?' Then Antonio Tony and Amelia had sexual relations." T-Rex: "The sexual intercourse was cut short because Tony kept muttering 'Where am I gonna find the 10 thousand dollars though?'" Utahraptor: What are you reciting, T-Rex? T-Rex: My new book! T-Rex: It's called "On The Menu: Sexy Stories for People With Problems" and in all the stories the sex gets derailed because the people are worried about their Problems. The cover looks like a menu because it ties in well with the title. Now, if you'll allow me to continue? Utahraptor: Of course! T-Rex: "One day a couple was having sex but their car window was broken. The man thought a kid broke it. Instead of sex they wondered how it happened. I, the narrator, was the one who did it! They never found out and I won the lottery! The end!!" T-Rex (punchline): Okay even I think that one's not so good.

the kids leave, but then they came back... WITH KNIVES... CHAU FROM THE ACCLAIMED COMIC SERIES "SCOTT PILGRIM", READ IT TODAY

T-Rex: Last night I dreamed I was out on a picnic table with all my personal electronics, and this group of kids thought it was a garage sale! T-Rex: Okay YES I KNOW DREAMS ARE STUPID, but bear with me! T-Rex: So these kids are picking up my stuff, but suddenly it's not my stuff, it's my friends' stuff, so I can't just give it away. And when I say "it's not for sale", they're grabbing them tighter and saying "Come on, I'm sure it is." So I yell for my friends and when they show up the kids leave, but then they come back... WITH KNIVES. T-Rex: And THEN, I woke up! Utahraptor: I thought you said this was a good story! T-Rex: It is! T-Rex: THE STORY DOESN'T END THERE. I used IMAGINATION to see what happens next! We defeated the kids using punches, and then you were secretly one kid on another kid's shoulders wearing a Utahraptor suit, so I had to punch you too! Utahraptor: Huh. I guess I prefer your unconscious mind's stories to your conscious efforts? T-Rex: My conscious mind says "ouch" but my unconscious says... "hey thanks me too"?! What the hell, unconscious!! T-Rex: We're ALL on the same team, and you need to stay CONSCIOUS of that! T-Rex (punchline): OH, SICK BURN Off panel: So, um... I guess I'll talk to you later huh

that big bang one is the Prime Directive, the Double Prime Directive, AND the Combining Prime Directive

T-Rex: Gosh but it's sometimes hard to know what the right thing to do is! If only there were a series of rules to tell me what to do in every situation! Narrator: DEONTOLOGY COMIX T-Rex: Deontology, Dromiceiomimus! It's where you follow rules to act ethically. Dromiceiomimus: So like, "Thou shalt not kill?" T-Rex: Exactly! Once I have the rules chosen, I no longer have to worry if a given act is ethical or not, I just have to make sure it follows the rules! This leaves me free to think about other stuff, like how cute would it be if cats and dogs had puppens? T-Rex: Maybe they'd be called kuppies?? Utahraptor: So thou is totally not going to kill, right? T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: Okay, here's one dude who's going to go back in time and stop the Big Bang from exploding, and he's not going to kill a thousand dudes. He's going to kill ALL LIFE THAT HAS OR EVER WILL BE. The only way to stop him is to kill him. If you keep with your rule and let him go, everybody dies! T-REX, YOU ARE A MONSTER. T-Rex: Oh, no bigs, I have another rule that says it's okay to kill if I really want to. More precisely, it says "harm may be done if it's an effect of a greater good"! T-Rex (punchline): But come on, if you want to mess with the Big Bang I'ma shoot you in the head!!

this is my worst comic ever because everyone reading it at work just got reminded to get back to work. "FRIIIG, THANKS A LOT RYAN" they're saying. i'm saying that too, actually

T-Rex: Wouldn't it be amazing to write down everything you are and everything you know into a book, so that someone reading it could know you as well as you know yourself? T-Rex: Hey! T-Rex: I'll save you the trouble; the answer is "OBVIOUSLY, YES IT WOULD BE"! T-Rex: So um, why hasn't anyone done this already? Dromiceiomimus: Because it's probably not even POSSIBLE to capture an entire person in a book, and even if it were, there's just too much information? I'm not convinced our brains have enough space to store ourselves PLUS all of another person at the same time! T-Rex: No problem! Write your own book, and you can restore yourself from backup by reading it after! Utahraptor: But then I'd be backup me, and I'd have no memories of reading the other book! T-Rex: ...TRUE. T-Rex: Okay, so record yourself on camera when you've read my book, and then when you restore from your book you can watch the footage and say "Hey, I made a pretty sweet T-Rex. Maybe I should read that book again." Utahraptor: ...Don't you have, like - a job you should be at right now? T-Rex (punchline): ...Don't you? T-Rex and off panel: Friiiig

the brilliant thing about loheta is that if anyone gets mad at his book's content, they have only themselves to blame, as they constructed the story they're reading! reputation: salvaged.

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for fixing my life! I'll do it by putting out a new, less controversial book: "LOLITA III: This Time, She's 30". T-Rex: Nobody can argue with that!! T-Rex: In my story there's a new Lolita, and she's thirty, and she goes out with a man who's also thirty and from a similar economic and social background! They get married and have some okay times. Years later, all the characters die of old age! Dromiceiomimus: It seems a bit - conservative! T-Rex: I could make some changes! But did you notice how everyone was clearly of the age of majority though? Narrator: THE BOOK IS PUBLISHED: Utahraptor: T-Rex, your new book is basically terrible! T-Rex: *gasp* Utahraptor: I'm serious! The "new Lolita" has nothing to do with the old one, and nothing interesting happens except when "LoHEta" shows up, explains that he's the new manly male Lolita, and then leaves the narrative entirely. T-Rex: He shows up again in the epilogue! Utahraptor! You didn't even finish my book!! T-Rex: At the end, Loheta addresses the reader directly and explains that if you replace "she" with "he" and "hers" with "definitely his" in the ORIGINAL Lolita, you can read all about his adventures! T-Rex (punchline): It's called "setting up a spinoff"; look it up?

"given up on studying their own fleshy bodies" is a phrase that can preface many professions. artists have given up on studying their own fleshy bodies to draw pictures of other people's instead! astronauts have given up on studying their own fleshy bodies and instead prefer to spend their time floating in deadly space.

T-Rex: Okay so I didn't help anyone learn about computers yesterday. I MESSED UP. But we will fix that today! YES. Okay! T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: What IS a computer? T-Rex: Scientists have studied them for years to come up with an answer to this question. These highly specialized scientists, known as "computer scientists", have given up on studying their own fleshy bodies to instead study the hard transistors, the finely sculpted semiconductors, and the gleaming metal bodies of our strange electronic offspring. Utahraptor: This sounds kinda - sexy? T-Rex: Damn dude, you know it is! T-Rex: Computers may have quad-core processors instead of quadriceps, but to the computer scientist these "quads" are just as alluring as the muscles of any flesh Adonis! Utahraptor: So what IS a computer? T-Rex (punchline): PURE FREEBASED SEX.

utahraptor's lawyer/violinist/teacher/authority figure/whatever joke profoundly misunderstands the purpose of handicapped spaces. or does he really think that people lose some mobility when they become a PROFESSIONAL MEMBER? he almost certainly does not.

T-Rex: What do you call fifteen PROFESSION MEMBERS buried up to their necks in sand? T-Rex: Not enough sand! Dromiceiomimus: Oh! Why don't PROFESSION MEMBERS play hide and seek? T-Rex: Why? Dromiceiomimus: Because no one will look for them! T-Rex: Hah! Ouch for PROFESSION MEMBERS, and their stereotype! Utahraptor: Hey, are we telling PROFESSION jokes? T-Rex: We are! Utahraptor: Okay, why do PROFESSION MEMBERS leave AN IDENTIFYING INSTRUMENT OF THEIR PROFESSION on the dashboard of their cars? T-Rex: Why? Utahraptor: So they can park in handicapped spaces! T-Rex: Hah hah! Oh, those PROFESSION MEMBERS! T-Rex (punchline): They're not like us!

QUICK QUESTION: WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME YOU COULD JUST ASK FOR SEXY TIMES

T-Rex: There's a species of side-blotched lizards where the males have coloured throats, and they're either orange, blue, or yellow! The orange ones are biggest, the blue ones are medium sized, and the yellow ones are tiniest. T-Rex: I PROMISE THIS STORY TOTALLY GETS BETTER. T-Rex: Okay, so what's awesome is that the big orange lizards are toughest: they beat up the blue lizards and steal their girlfriend! But the blue lizards can defend against the smaller yellow ones, AND they form stronger relationships. Meanwhile, the yellow ones are so small that they can sneak in and sex up the orange lizard's girlfriend while he's out fighting! The blue lizard's sweeties are in committed relationships though, so Yellow can't seduce them away. Utahraptor: So orange beats blue, blue beats yellow, and yellow beats orange! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Or in other words: Rock Paper Scissors. So awesome! These lizards are playing it endlessly, only they're way more hardcore than us, because they're PLAYING FOR SEX. Utahraptor: I've played Rock Paper Scissors for sex. T-Rex: ...Okay that wasn't where I saw this conversation going but yeah let's do this. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: So you REALLY chose paper and he chose rock and then you had sexy times? Off panel: For the third time: YES. T-Rex: REALLY?? It was that easy? Because - T-Rex (punchline): - because stories like this make me worry I'm living my life wrong

there! now each person who wrote me an email about "they" being singular should be happy. i... hope this was exactly what bitches was looking for?

T-Rex: Okay, so APPARENTLY a singular, gender-neutral "they" has a long and proud history. T-Rex: APPARENTLY, even Willy T. Shakespeare himself used "they" this way! T-Rex: And APPARENTLY, I'm not unarguably in the right when I say that "they" is always plural. FINE. Everyone makes mistakes; I suppose it's fair that I'd FINALLY get my very first turn at bat. But that doesn't mean English is getting off scot free! We still need an UNCONTENTIOUS gender-neutral pronoun. Dromiceiomimus: What happened to "thon"? T-Rex: In a shouted sentence? T-Rex: THON NOT KNOW WHY NOBODY LIKE THON Utahraptor: There are still some other alternatives you haven't considered, T-Rex! T-Rex: Such as? Utahraptor: How about "yo"? As in, "Yo doesn't know what yo thinks about this." Or "bitches", as in "Bitches didn't derive that function properly". Men can be bitches! T-Rex: Man. Men CAN be bitches. T-Rex: Bitches don't even know. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Bitches is singular now, tell bitches

all except dr. sensible are newly-graduated medical students known to me.

T-Rex: WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH MY ANKLE. T-Rex: HOLY CRAP. Narrator: BACKSTORY: T-REX HAS HURT HIS ANKLE! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe you should go see a doctor, T-Rex! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you have stumbled upon my shameful secret! I - I don't have a family doctor! Dromiceiomimus: Hey, it's no big deal. You can go to a clinic, or you can look up doctors in your area and make an appointment. Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: So, how's your ankle? T-Rex: Utahraptor! It's so awesome! T-Rex: I mean, my ankle still hurts, but I was looking up doctors in the area and there's so many that have awesome names. There's a Doctor Plumber! A Doctor Dinner! A Doctor SENSIBLE. Utahraptor: Which one are you going to? T-Rex: Um, the best one of them all?? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dr. Doctor! What's the latest on my ankle? Off panel: As I said before, I believe you may have a hairline fracture. T-Rex: Dr. Doctor! T-Rex (punchline): I like your name

hey you wanna come up for coffee 88_88

T-Rex: What've we got for punctuation? Basically it's :'?.,;"! and a bunch of brackets, right? God: HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT T-Rex: We can do better! T-Rex: And YES, novel punctuation has been proposed before, and usually they're combinations of existing marks: question plus exclamation gives you the interrobang! Snooze! Comma plus exclamation gives you the exclamation comma. Oh, sorry, I just FELL ASLEEP because of how boring these punctuation marks are. T-Rex: I just RHETORICALLY FELL ASLEEP. Utahraptor: You propose something different? T-Rex: Absolutely! T-Rex: OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD: punctuation that says "I'm saying this literally but I'd love for you to read into it". So I could say "Hey, we should hang out more" or "The eagle cries at midnight" and folks would pause and say "YES. YES WE SHOULD/IT DOES." Utahraptor: You'll need a mark for this punctuation! T-Rex: No problem! It's a tarantula staring intently at you, all 88_88 Off panel: Why - why a tarantula? T-Rex (punchline): I'm sorry, are you saying when you're inventing punctuation you DON'T want to make it as badass as possible??

You've got questions. We've got intercourse.

T-Rex: Whenever I think of the phrase "good to the last drop" I think of friggin' Maxwell House Coffee. T-Rex: I don't even drink coffee! T-Rex: They have lexicalized the phrase AND associated it in my mind with their stupid branding! T-Rex: And if someone says "can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp" NOT ONLY do I think of Sugar Crisp, I think of the jingle too! Dromiceiomimus: Oh, actually, about that: they're rebranding it, T-Rex. It's now referred to as "Golden Crisp" in most major markets. T-Rex: WHAT? They store a phrase in my sparkling mind and now they're abandoning it? I call FRIGGIN' SHENANIGANS on that! Utahraptor: So what are you going to do? T-Rex: Um, refer to it as "Sugar Crisp" till the day I die?? T-Rex: Except THEN I'll just be reinforcing their original branding. Okay, tell you what: I can't forget the slogans but I CAN substitute their brands with something I do want to remember, like intercourse! Utahraptor: "Can't get enough of that intercourse"? T-Rex: Exactly! "Silly rabbit! Intercourse is for kids." Wow! T-Rex (punchline): That idea backfired incredibly quickly!

good thing i explain my scams in full to everyone before implementing them, huh

T-Rex: First, I email tons of people the winners of tomorrow's horse race! T-Rex: Only I don't really know who's gonna win tomorrow's horse race! T-Rex: So I email different names to tons of different people, knowing that there'll be ONE groups that gets the correct winner, showing them that I apparently have FUTURE HORSE KNOWLEDGE. I then repeat the process on the winners over and over, until I've got a small group that's seen me be right EVERY SINGLE TIME. Then I say "enough freebies, you gotta pay me now" and have become a scam artiste! Utahraptor: It's a nice scam, but I don't pal around with scammers so you'll need to find a new bestie! Narrator: ENDING ONE: T-Rex: Wait, does "bestie" mean "best friend" or is it a contraction of "best tie"? Utahraptor: "Best friend". T-Rex: Well! May I be the first to say: T-Rex: Noooooooo Narrator: ENDING TWO: T-Rex: The other ending has leaked over into this one! T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): I still really want to be pals!!

the serial numbers are included in the comic because this way you'll know if you found the right one!

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think... T-Rex: ... for a treasure hunt! Dromiceiomimus: Sweet! So what are we looking for, T-Rex? T-Rex: Okay so in 1958 these two US Air Force planes were doing training exercises with a real nuclear bomb for some reason, and they crashed into each other! And one of the planes was so damaged that it had to jettison its bomb above a bay in Georgia! Dromiceiomimus: We're searching for a nuclear bomb!? T-Rex: Serial number 47782, baby! Utahraptor: This bomb was missing its nuclear capsule though, T-Rex! It wouldn't explode. T-Rex: Aw man! NEVERMIND. Utahraptor: Yeah, where you REALLY want to look is beneath the ice in Greenland. Another crash there had four nuclear weapons involved, but only debris from three was recovered. There was evidence the fourth - or parts of it - had been so heated by the resulting fire that it melted down through the ice. Serial number 78252! God: T-REX LISTEN I CHECKED AND NOTHING GOOD CAN POSSIBLY COME FROM YOU HAVING ACCESS TO A NUCLEAR WEAPON T-Rex (punchline): Perhaps you missed the scenario in which I use it to blow up... pollution? God: SEE God: THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

you'd think a dude with such good and practiced stomping skills would focus more on his feet than his fists, but sometimes all we can focus on is our weak points. THAT IS SOME DEEP AND MEANINGFUL STUFF RIGHT THERE DUDES AND LADIES

T-Rex: In the past I have called my fists "Knuckles and Chuckles", and then later upgraded to the truly compelling "Rocco and Choco, the Twins! Who! Punch!" but now I have an even better nickname! T-Rex: The CHINESE BUFFET! T-Rex: That way I can menace someone with my fists and say "Do you WANT to visit the Chinese Buffet? It's all you can eat TONIGHT, baby!" Dromiceiomimus: All you can eat? T-Rex: All you can eat KNUCKLE SANDWICHES! The Chinese Buffet serves Chinese food AND knuckle sandwiches to those who are cruisin' for a steaming plate of them. I cannot stress this enough: it's all you can eat. T-Rex: I can ALSO say "Looks like it's LADIES' NIGHT at the Buffet tonight!" Hee hee! Utahraptor: For when you... beat up women? T-Rex: No, for after I beat up a dude and want to imply that he's actually a woman, in case he's the sort of guy who gets mad at that! Although I COULD also use it if I fought women - like, a cabal of sexy, yet EVIL, librarians! Utahraptor: You will be prepared if that happens! The only problem is: you're not Chinese? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: God! Can you make me Chinese so that my fist nickname makes sense? God: ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO PUNCH A GUY INTO THE OCEAN AND SAY AT THE BUFFET WATER IS ON THE HOUSE T-Rex (punchline): Oh that is so a deal.

TOMORROW: MYSTERIOUS NO MORE??

Narrator: THE WORLD OF TOMORROW T-Rex: We detect evidence of alien life tomorrow: a signal from a distant solar system. It starts out simple: numbers, counting, that sort of thing! T-Rex: And then it starts to get more advanced, encoding mathematics! T-Rex: And then: instructions for decoding images that are about to be transmitted. In a few months we go from hoping we're not alone to knowing that intelligent life is out there, and they're about to show us what they look like! Dromiceiomimus: And what do they look like? T-Rex: WHO KNOWS? T-Rex: We're at the very frontier of imagination here, Dromiceiomimus!! Utahraptor: Maybe they look like... puppies? T-Rex: Utahraptor, please! NO WAY aliens look like puppies! Utahraptor: For generations we've wondered if we're alone in the universe; today we know the answer: no. We're not alone. Life is out there, and it's puppies. Our universe is teeming with puppies. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Fine, I accept this version of events Narrator: THE END

PLEASE, I HEAR IT'S REALLY EASY TO TALK TO PEOPLE WHEN YOU KNOW THEY ALREADY LIKE YOU

T-Rex: Hello everyone! I am interesting and awesome! T-Rex: Probably you should spend more time thinking about me?! T-Rex: Why aren't I more popular already, Dromiceiomimus? I'd pal around with me. I'd date me! Dromiceiomimus: You're popular with me, T-Rex! T-Rex: I know! But look, I've found a way to say this without sounding shallow: I'd like both to have good friends AND be famous AND be extremely popular with everyone! T-Rex: OH NO it still sounded shallow! OH NO T-Rex: I'm funny! I'm cool! I clean up nice and can carry a conversation! Utahraptor: Sure, but not everyone can be popular! Utahraptor: If they were, we'd all be at EQUAL popularity, and popularity becomes meaningless! We need folks like you for our popularity to even be a thing. T-Rex: What? "We"? You're more popular than me?! Since when? Utahraptor: Oops. Just forget I said anything, okay? T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR T-Rex (punchline): TAKE ME WITH YOU

here is a persuasive writing tip from utahraptor: if you are writing an essay and want to say 'everything' without having to defend it, write 'most everything'. it means 'a lot of things' but sounds like 'everything' to a casual reader! with this tip including in your 'bag of writerly tricks', you will have certain success in EVERYTHING YOU EVER DO.

T-Rex: I think that comedy goes bad after a while! I don't think I've EVER laughed at a joke that's more than two hundred years old. T-Rex: Screw you, comedy! T-Rex: It's not just that jokes get dated, but that whole standards for comedy shift, I think. Stuff that was edgy fifty years ago is old hat today! We can recognize HOW it was supposed to be funny, but there's comedic writing from a hundred years ago that goes right over our heads today, simply because we don't have the cultural context to recognize that jokes are being made, that parody and satire are taking place. Ouch for those guys! Ouch for us in 200 years! Utahraptor: Well, most everything changes with time, T-Rex! T-Rex: I guess! T-Rex: But I think comedy changes more than most. We can read serious writing from centuries ago and the arguments are WAY more accessible than any jokes. Utahraptor: I guess that's true, but I'm sure there are also "stupid people do stupid things" jokes that are pretty timeless. T-Rex: Oh man, I never told you! One time, I saw a stupid guy nobody likes eating too many bananas!! Off panel: Hah hah! Why'd he do that? T-Rex: 'Cause he was dumb! T-Rex (punchline): Dumb for BANANAS.

panel 7: god says "WAIT SORRY I GAVE YOU THE WRONG LIST THAT WAS THE LIST OF THE MOST POPULAR CAT NAMES 2 YEARS FROM NOW / WOW / IT'S CRAZY THAT THEY OVERLAP SO PERFECTLY I NEVER NOTICED THAT BEFORE"

God: T-REX DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE MOST POPULAR WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE T-Rex: Sure do!! God: IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER God: THE OF A TO AND IS IN T-Rex: That, my friend, is a colossally disappointing list! T-Rex: We need to start talking about more interesting things! Screw that: we need to start DOING more interesting things. Imagine a world where the most popular word is "explosiontastic", because the most popular things ARE explosiontastic! Now, think of a reason why you wouldn't want to live in that world. T-Rex: OH SNAP. T-Rex: I CAN'T THINK OF A REASON AGAINST LIVING THERE EITHER. Utahraptor: The most popular words are mostly particles though! "To", "the", those sorts of things. T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But they're BORING particles. Heck, I just made it up, so maybe "explosiontastic" is a particle too! "I went to THE mall" makes me sleepy. "I went to EXPLOSIONTASTIC mall" makes me want to tag along! Let's see what happens, you know? Maybe explosions? T-Rex: Maybe explosions will happen? T-Rex (punchline): Maybe I spend so much time thinking about language that it damages my friendships with others??

you should be the one standing here, not me!!

Narrator: T-REX'S BATMAN STORY T-Rex: Batman loves to fight crime, right? He loves it. He lives for it! So you show how fighting crime is his obsession. T-Rex: But Batman's going too far! T-Rex: And of course there's already been tons of stories where he's gone too far, but in this one he's not punching dudes too hard now or anything. Instead, he's neglecting his Bruce Wayne persona! Dromiceiomimus: So? Bruce Wayne's not that important. T-Rex: Bruce Wayne runs Wayne Enterprises, and Wayne Enterprises is what funds Batman and his gadgets! Utahraptor: So Batman is ignoring Wayne Enterprises. Then what happens? T-Rex: An amazing dilemma! T-Rex: Batman needs the financial support of Wayne Enterprises, so he has to devote more time to it! But every time he's in the boardroom instead of on the streets, people are DYING. Utahraptor: A large benevolent corporation, properly directed, could easily do much more good than a lone vigilante in a single city. Banner: The Worst Person To Talk About Batman With TODAY'S WINNER: UTAHRAPTOR T-Rex: Utahraptor, come quick!! T-Rex (punchline): YOU WON A PRIZE

americans have had poison warnings on their toothpastes since 1997, so this is not news to them. so here's some special, AMERICANS-ONLY news: last night i dreamed i went to japan for 24 hours and had a nice jog. it was great. DON'T TELL A SOUL

T-Rex: So uh, it turns out that the fluoride in toothpaste is, um, TOXIC. POISONOUS. There's enough fluoride in a tube of toothpaste to END LIVES. Dentists weren't joking about not swallowing toothpaste! T-Rex: Dentists weren't joking about a lot of things! T-Rex: This is super concerning, Dromiceiomimus! I've been putting poison in my mouth, TWICE A DAY, and RUBBING IT AROUND. Three times a day if I'm lying to my dentist! Dromiceiomimus: There's barely enough in a tube to kill a child, T-Rex, and that's if they eat it. It'll take much more than a tube of toothpaste to take you down! T-Rex: How much more? TWO tubes? THREE? T-Rex: I'M PRETTY SURE YOU CAN BUY THEM IN BULK. Utahraptor: Man, you're looking at this the wrong way! Utahraptor: For years, you've been dosing yourself - twice daily - with a tiny amount of poison. If anything, you've built up an immunity! T-Rex: ...Oh my gosh, you're right! I MAY WELL BE IMMUNE TO FLUORIDE POISONING. T-Rex: Assuming immunity works like in the movies! And also assuming that, rather than swallowing the poison, I just rub it all over my teeth. T-Rex (punchline): And the best part is: that's what I was ALREADY planning to do anyway!

there's a cut panel where the devil talks about a time when one of his atari games burnt out while he was playing it, and how the resulting smoke was the smell of adventure

T-Rex: Is it possible to have adventures in today's modern world? I mean real adventures, like ones where I get to swashbuckle. T-Rex: T-Rex says, "probably not!" T-Rex: I think we've made our environment so predictable and safe that there's no real opportunity to go where nobody's been before, to see things that haven't been seen. It's too bad! I want ADVENTURES. Dromiceiomimus: What about things like EXTREME SNOWBOARDING? T-Rex: While clearly extreme, can such activities truly be considered capital-A Adventure? Utahraptor: Sure they can, T-Rex! You see new things, and there's danger. T-Rex: I don't know... Utahraptor: Man, some dudes are EXTREME!! enough to snowboard down Mount Everest! There's a real chance you could be killed doing that, PLUS, only a few people have ever done it. I'd call that "adventure"! T-Rex: Especially since you'd have to climb up at least part of Everest yourself. Okay, you're right! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE SNOWBOARDS EVERYWHERE: T-Rex (punchline): Guys, I REALLY just don't think I'm as into snowboarding as I used to be.

investment bankers won't talk to me anymore.

T-Rex: I have an extra $50 that I have saved. I believe I will put it in my bank account! God: NO T-REX THAT IS A BAD IDEA T-Rex: Explain! God: IF YOU LEAVE MONEY IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IT GETS INTEREST BUT IF IT'S NOT AS MUCH AS INFLATION YOU'RE ACTUALLY LOSING MONEY PLUS YOUR INVESTMENTS COULD BE MAKING MORE ON THE STOCK MARKET T-Rex: Fine! I'll invest my stupid $50 in the stupid stock market. Okay? HAPPY? I'll invest my $50 in a company that makes NECKTIES for UNDERACHIEVING DOGS. Utahraptor: But before you do that, T-Rex, you should consider your investment goals! T-Rex: Man!! Utahraptor: Seriously! This is important. You need to decide: what do you want out of your investments? Security? Rapid growth? T-Rex (punchline): Listen: all I want out of life is for my bank account to have 58,008 dollars in it, so that when I read my statement upside down, it says "BOOBS". Banner: Worst answer to “What do you want out of your investments” question TODAY'S CHAMPION

SOMETIMES, people can fall in love. everyone loves to be reminded of that! except people who just ended long-term relationships, of which, statistically, there are several reading this text right now. WHOOPSIE DOODLE DOO?

Narrator: T-REX HAS WRITTEN A NEW STORY! T-Rex: Yes! It's about a guy named "Clarke Kente"! His name is CLOSE to Superman's secret identity, but legally and creatively distinct. T-Rex: And then in my story Clarke's looking for a girlfriend! T-Rex: And then he meets a woman named "Louise Laan" and then they're dating and there's some smooching and romance and it all ends in marriage. The end! Dromiceiomimus: What? That's it? That's the story? T-Rex: It's a good story! It's heartwarming and the theme is that, SOMETIMES, people can fall in love. Aww! Everyone loves to be reminded of that! Utahraptor: So do Superman comics exist in this story? T-Rex: Nope! Nobody knows about Superman. Utahraptor: Ah, so you use the characters to finally give Clark Kent the quiet and stable relationship with Lois he could never have as Superman. T-Rex: No, that would be good, but that's not my story. MY story is a simple love tale about simple people, with names that are legally and creatively distinct. Narrator: LATER: PHONE CALLS! T-Rex: DC Comics, quit hasslin' me! Clarke and Louise AND Bruce Swaine are my own characters! Off panel: Um, I'm just a telemarketer who wants to sell you some long distance? T-Rex (punchline): Listen, if we both pretend we can both get what we want out of this conversation, okay?

HAPPY WEDDING EVE, VICTOR! I WILL BE A GOOD BEST MAN AND I WILL REALLY TRY NOT TO TEAR MY PANTS. THIS I SWEAR

God: T-REX LET'S ASSUME THAT YOU HAVE A BROTHER NAMED VICTOR T-Rex: Sweet! God: WHO IS AN AWESOME DUDE T-Rex: Double ULTRA sweet!! God: AND WHO IS HETEROSEXUAL AND MONOGAMOUS T-Rex: Sure! Whatever floats your boat, Victor! God: AND WHO IS GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW TO A WONDERFUL WOMAN NAMED SONJA AND T-REX YOU ARE THE BEST MAN T-Rex: WHAAAAAAT T-Rex: Quick, Utahraptor! You need to help me write speech!! Utahraptor: You mean "write A speech"? T-Rex: Man! See?! I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET. I'm in over my head! I need a speech AND I need to pull a bachelor party together on the double!! Utahraptor: I don't understa- T-Rex: CALL ALL THE BACHELORS WE KNOW God: NOW LET'S ASSUME THE WEDDING STARTS IN 30 MINUTES AND YOU'RE LOST IN A FOREST KILOMETERS AWAY T-Rex: I use moss on trees to- wait, why are we playing this game? God: OH NO NOW YOU FELL INTO A MUD PUDDLE AND TORE YOUR PANTS T-Rex (punchline): It's so stressful

it's not working because you're thinking of his fifth symphony, that's an easy mistake to make, that's the one that goes dah dah dah dahh, dah dah dah dahhh

Narrator: SHORT VERSIONS OF CLASSIC WORKS OF ART IN COMICS FORM Narrator: for you to print and put in your wallet! Narrator: tl;dr: short things Narrator: THE MONA LISA: T-Rex: A woman smiles, a little bit? Let's obsess about that. Narrator: STARRY NIGHT: T-Rex: Van Gogh painted it, it's kinda trippy. Let's imagine it right now! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Whoaaahhhh Narrator: HAMLET: Utahraptor: To be, or not to be, that is the - T-Rex: - play this comes from! Narrator: BEETHOVEN'S NINTH SYMPHONY: T-Rex: Dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah DAH DAHHHH dahdah! Utahraptor: That was beautiful! T-Rex: Yes; I'm glad we could all hear it instead of just reading about it later in some lesser medium Narrator: MICHELANGELO'S DAVID: T-Rex: Statue of a naked dude kinda doing this, and you can see his ween! Let's all pretend we're not staring at a larger than life stone-cold ween. T-Rex (punchline): I'm still looking though!!

good times, great times

T-Rex: Dear body! Here are some things you need to stop doing! T-Rex: Aging? T-Rex: Also, making weird noises. Dromiceiomimus: Hah! What kind of noises? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, yesterday I'm sitting there and my belly kind of goes "tweeeeet?" like it's a, a, a bird or something. What's with you, belly? I know you're there, yes! I don't need a "tweeeeet" to say hello. I just put food in you and that is gonna have to be INTRODUCTION ENOUGH. Utahraptor: Got any other body complaints? T-Rex: As a matter of fact, I DO. T-Rex: One, my body needs to survive in space, two, it needs to be able to eat paper in an emergency, three, flight would be nice, also, four, sometimes when I'm sleeping I get a cramp in my leg muscles and I have to punch the muscles. Utahraptor: Four is the worst? T-Rex: Four is the worst! Also, FIVE, I wish my body would poop more instead of putting on weight. Off panel: Okay! I'm done with this conversation. T-Rex: No, seriously! Because - T-Rex (punchline): [small] because i don't like being fat and pooping is good times

i tried to figure out all the symbolism in this comic and i was SO CONFUSED

T-Rex: The first law of thermodynamics: T-Rex: Important! T-Rex: The second law of thermodynamics: somewhat less important. T-Rex: If the laws were personified, I’d feel sorry for the second law! He’d be the affable loser, dressed in his brother’s second-hand patchy tweed. Aww! T-Rex: Well, I’D invite him over for dinner! We’d have chops! Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex? T-Rex: Oh hey! I’m glad you came by: I was just imagining how nice I’d be to the somewhat-less-important second law of thermodynamics if it were personified. I’d have sympathy dinners! Utahraptor: Wow, that’s crazy! I’ll come back when you’re less INSANE, because the second law is still really important! Narrator: LATER: God: HEY I CAN PERSONIFY THEM FOR REAL IF YOU WANT T-Rex (punchline): No worries!

there's also consensus truth, where we all agree that something is true, so it is! this is really just relativism dressed up in a party hat, with a smile and a martini in each hand. i don't know.

T-Rex: If I'm going to be verificationist, I'd better figure out what it means to say that something is true! I'm going to start with... relativism! T-Rex: This one is all, "Well, it's true for me!" T-Rex: Guys. Come on. This is the dumbest theory of truth. This is the theory of truth that draws tattoos on itself in blue pen and then when you ask why anyone would draw a picture on their forearm of tree, with sausages, with the words "sausage tree" beneath it, it gets mad and says "You don't understand my truth!" T-Rex: I'm - I'm personifying a little here but that's seriously what relativism does. Utahraptor: What about fascist truth, where something is true because those with power say it's true? T-Rex: Again - ultra dumb! T-Rex: What I want is a theory of truth that's incontrovertible. In fact, I don't want even a THEORY of truth! I want a fact of truth. Utahraptor: You're not going to get it! There's like 20 trillion theories, but no facts. T-Rex: Oh YEAH?? We'll see about that! Narrator: TWENTY TRILLION THEORIES OF TRUTH LATER: T-Rex: Well God, I guess it really just goes to show you that there's many different competing ideas about what "true" really means! God: UH HUH T-Rex (punchline): And THAT'S the truth! God: UH HUH

heave your arms into the area immediately above their current locale, proceed to move them in an arc, back and forth, as if you have other things on your mind.

T-Rex: Have I TRULY never thrown my hands up in the air, and waved them all around like I just don't care? [no text] T-Rex: I don't see what the big deal about it is! I BARELY feel funkier. Dromiceiomimus: I feel a little funkier. T-Rex: I guess I feel a little funkier. A LITTLE. Utahraptor: Man, you weren't even doing it right!! T-Rex: Oh yeah? Says you, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: Says me, T-Rex! Okay, listen, THIS is how you throw your hands up in the air. And watch closely, because I'm only going to wave them all around like I just don't care ONCE. T-Rex (punchline): I'm watching! Utahraptor: Okay. Here we go! Narrator: MILLIONS OF YEARS LATER: Off panel: This reconstruction is ridiculous.

my birthday wish is to have dinosaurs sing 80s hip hop in bad french! you probably have similar desires

Narrator: "THE TALENT SHOW" T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I have a great idea for our act: let's put on a play! T-Rex: A Batman play! Dromiceiomimus: A Batman play? What's a Batman play? T-Rex: It's a play about BATMAN! I'll play Batman! Dromiceiomimus: Sorry T-Rex! NOT INTERESTED. Utahraptor: My friend, nobody wants to put on a "Batman play"! T-Rex: But I'LL be playing Batman! Utahraptor: How is that a selling point? If we were to put on a Batman play, we'd probably all want to play Batman. That is the essential folly of the Batman play. T-Rex: Okay FINE, we'll do Plan Omega. Upon closer inspection, I can see myself REALLY getting into Plan Omega! Narrator: PLAN OMEGA: T-Rex: Hi we're T-Rex and Utahraptor and we'll be performing "Push It" by Salt-N-Pepa in the original French. Off panel: Cette danse n'est pas pour tout le monde, c'est SEULEMENT pour les personnes sexuelles. T-Rex (punchline): Poussez-le bon! Off panel: Poussez-le VRAIMENT bon!

the marriage is out of continuity so it won't even last as long as superman's death did. ouch for - archie, i guess?

God: T-REX DID YOU HEAR ARCHIE IS GETTING MARRIED T-Rex: Perennial teen Archie Andrews of Riverdale, USA?! To whom? God: VERONICA LODGE T-Rex: Oh, poor Veronica! Dromiceiomimus: You'd rather she marry - well, who, Jughead? T-Rex: Man, I'd rather she expand her horizons beyond the ten NON-BACKGROUND characters in Riverdale. Her dating options there are, in their entirety: Archie, Moose, Dilton, Chuck, Reggie, and Jughead. That's it! PROBABLY SHE CAN DO BETTER. Maybe she should chat up Background Teen In Green Shirt once in a while, you know? Utahraptor: That's like complaining when Princess Leia falls for Han Solo! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: And that is a valid complaint! I hate it when fictional universes are SO CLAUSTROPHOBIC that everyone's hanging out in the same swimming pool. Utahraptor: Huh? T-Rex: Okay that's a metaphor, but just BARELY. It's basically a literal description of what's going on. T-Rex: Only so many characters can splash around in a swimming pool at the same time. And they keep bumping into each other! T-Rex (punchline): Man! If there's a better two-sentence summary of BOTH Star Wars and Archie comics, I don't want to hear it!

i basically end all my five-paragraph essays like this

T-Rex: I have been wondering what it would be like if people could "save" and "restore" their life, just like in a computer game. T-Rex: Things would be different! T-Rex: I predict every guy would, when he has his first sweetie break up with him, spend YEARS restoring to an earlier point, trying to find a way to get it to work! T-Rex: Additionally, I would use this power to save my game, tell people off, and then restore! T-Rex: The only problem is everyone would always (eventually) have the perfect comeback! Utahraptor: But we'd be stuck in a certain time period, because people would never die! T-Rex: Sure they would! T-Rex: You know how sometimes you save at a bad point and it's half a second before you're going to die, and you keep restoring, but there's nothing you can do? Utahraptor: Sure... T-Rex: Well, I guess you could just restore to an earlier save point. T-Rex (punchline): I have failed to prove my point!

this concludes database as renegade cop fan fiction theatre, tune in next week for server that does not respond to ping as korean psychological horror fan fiction theatre

T-Rex: Damn you, database! You're a loose cannon! Your CPU usage grows every day and your disk I/O is off the chart! T-Rex: I should fire you, but instead I'm giving you a raise and recalibrating my charts! Dromiceiomimus: I said this database was bad news, T-Rex! T-Rex: I know; I should've listened to you three years and four ulcers ago! But damn it, this database gets results! I've got three upstart databases here that'd LOVE a shot at his job, and not one of them can do in five CPU cycles what he does in three. Utahraptor: That's a 66% improvement over their efficiency! T-Rex: I know! That's actually really good! T-Rex: But I just wish I could trust him to follow the damn rules. He reindexes data AGAINST MY ORDERS at all hours of the night: what's he looking for? What will it take for him to settle down - and if he does, will it cost him his edge? Will I get a more stable server farm but lose my best database in the bargain?? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Oh wait, hah hah, a hardware failure was causing all that reindexing churn and once I swapped out the bad disk and rebuilt the array it stopped and we're good now! T-Rex (punchline): PHEW, AM I RIGHT??

guys, there are people NAMED "charity". that's crazy! people do SO MUCH for you, charity.

T-Rex: I have come up with an excellent way to celebrate Hallowe'en: a date auction! T-Rex: Featuring: me! T-Rex: And since it's Hallowe'en, the prize is NOT ONLY a date with me (T-Rex!) but it's a HELLA CREEPY date with me (T-Rex!). I'll arrive two hours early, stand perfectly still across the street, and peer into your windows with binoculars. I'll ring the doorbell while pressing my eye up against the peephole. I'll ask you how your day was and whenever you use the pronoun "I" I'll suck my fingers. I will be only MODERATELY discreet about it. Happy Hallowe'en! Utahraptor: And people will bid on you why? T-Rex: Because of charity! It's all for charity, my good man! Utahraptor: I feel like I'd prefer to give my money to charity directly, rather than go through this whole "creepy date" thing. T-Rex: Well, alright, then I guess I'll just end up dating someone who WANTS a hella creepy date with a stranger! Narrator: HALLOWE'EN NIGHT: Off panel: We like it when you suck on your fingers, T-Rex. "I", "I", "I", "I", "I". T-Rex: Aw, come on! You only bid like $20! Off panel: So? T-Rex: It's just - T-Rex (punchline): Never has one man sucked on his fingers so much for so little

a tragic accident in selecting the size of the meteorite leads to the destruction of most life on earth? nope, don't be ridiculous, t-rex and god TOTALLY nail this one and everyone goes away satisfied with an extremely excellent high five.

T-Rex: God, I'm BORED. God: HOW CAN YOU BE BORED WHEN AT ANY MOMENT YOU COULD TAKE A BUS TO THE AIRPORT God: GO TO THE ARRIVALS AREA God: AND HOLD UP A SIGN THAT SAYS "ANYONE WHO JUST WANTS TO FRIGGIN' PARTY" God: ANSWER: God: YOU CAN'T T-Rex: But suppose... BUSES TO THE AIRPORT HAVE ENDED FOR THE DAY?? God: THEN YOU COULD WATCH AS A METEORITE PUNCHES THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE Utahraptor: Hi T-Rex! T-Rex: One sec. God: MOST OF ITS MASS AND SPEED IS LOST AS IT BURNS UP AND ARRIVES NEAR THE SURFACE AS A MERE WARM PEBBLE THAT BOUNCES OFF YOUR RAISED HAND THUS MAKING YOU A RECIPIENT OF THE ULTRA-RARE God: SPACE HIGH FIVE T-Rex: Utahraptor, I've got to go. Holy crap. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Man! T-Rex (punchline): Don't leave me HANGING

LADIES: is it grosser to puke up a tiny corpse or slowly consume that corpse as a source of food energy?? If we date we can discuss that!! okay so hit that contact me button to confirm we can date

T-Rex: Utahraptor, come quick! T-Rex: I ate a gross fly!! T-Rex: It was by accident! He just flew in while I was yawning! It might still be alive inside me and THAT'S GROSS, THIS WHOLE THING IS SO GROSS. Bleh! Dromiceiomimus: Utahraptor's the other way, dude. Also, heads up, he's trying out new nicknames. T-Rex: AWESOME. Utahraptor: Hey! What's up, Dixie Cup? T-Rex: NICE. T-Rex: Okay, so I ate a fly!! Utahraptor: Oh! No bigs. If it grosses you out to have it inside you, just induce vomiting and you'll puke it up. T-Rex: Will he be... dead? Utahraptor: Yeah, probably. Narrator: LATER, T-REX IS UPDATING HIS DATING SITE PROFILE: T-Rex: Ladies, do you want to get with a guy who JUST THIS AFTERNOON vomited up a partially-digested tiny corpse?? BECAUSE IF NOT: T-Rex (punchline): Honestly, I kinda understand??

WHICH I WILL THEN EMAIL TO YOU

T-Rex: Everyone! T-Rex: Guess what? T-Rex: I'm pretty great! T-Rex: I'm serious! I was thinking about it: I'm a great friend, I'm smart and I'm fun AND funny and I've been a success at every job, hobby, and challenge I've tried! Dromiceiomimus: And so modest, too! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, let's put modesty aside for a second and just "rap", person to person. I think when we do that, we can agree: there's nothing I've done that I haven't excelled at. Utahraptor: You're so egotistical! "I'm great at everything I've tried!" T-Rex: We're putting ego ASIDE today, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: You know what? It's still egotistical, and if you've succeeded at everything you've tried, you're not trying hard enough things. Here, here's something to try: why don't you cure cancer? And hey, why not come up with a clean, safe, cheap, efficient, powerful, renewable AND reliable energy source while you're at it? T-Rex: I'll do better, Utahraptor! I'm going to come up with a clean, safe, cheap, efficient and powerful, renewable, reliable energy source THAT CURES CANCER. T-Rex: LATER T-Rex (punchline): AFTER I GO HOME AND SUCCEED AT THINKING OF A BETTER COMEBACK

utahraptor feels bad about running roughshod all over t-rex in this comic, because that refers to LITERALLY RUNNING SOMEONE OVER WITH A HORSE THAT HAS NAILS STICKING OUT OF ITS FEET

T-Rex: "Don't change horses in mid-stream"? Ladies and gentlemen: it's the future. We've sent ROBOT SPACESHIPS to MARS. I hate to be the one to say this, but - T-Rex: Why are we still talking about horses? T-Rex: Let's fix our adages! Let's update our language! Let's replace "Don't change horses in mid-stream" with "Horses: who's riding them? Nobody??" Dromiceiomimus: You'll have a lot of updating to do, T-Rex! Dead horses get beaten while gift horses get looked in the mouth, which, INCIDENTALLY, is also where reliable information comes straight from! Utahraptor: Yeah! Maybe you should get off your high horse before you put the cart before that same horse! T-Rex: That's only like TWO examples. Utahraptor: "Champing at the bit"? HORSES. "Betting on the wrong horse"? HORSES. "Driving across town to pony up some money to a woman in ponytails"? T-REX, 3 HORSES TEAMED UP IN THAT SENTENCE. T-Rex: And I guess we DO measure the output of machines in terms of how many imaginary horses it'd take to beat them. T-Rex (punchline): So what other animals are we big into? Geese? From "wild goose chase"? Off panel: That's actually a METAPHORICAL goose, referring to a horse. I'm not even joking. The more you look at English, the more you realize: Off panel: It's - Off panel: It's horses all the way down

ah, the advantages of only being able to feel one thing at a time. i recommend it! i mean, T-REX RECOMMENDS IT

T-Rex: I think I have a problem, guys. T-Rex: I think I have some feelings! T-Rex: Yep, I definitely think I got some feelings on me. And as a man who inures himself to all but the most entertaining of emotions, I am neither inclined nor equipped to deal with these feelings! Dromiceiomimus: What feelings? T-Rex: I don't want to talk about them, Dromiceiomimus! On account of how they're SUPER BORING?? Utahraptor: Haha, you've got a case of the feelings! T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: But I'm looking for help, not for teasing. Utahraptor: Well, without knowing what the feelings are, um - I suppose you could figure out their root cause, and then deal with that issue? T-Rex: FINE, but if this doesn't solve the feelings, I'm gonna be SO CHEEZED!! T-Rex: ...Wait. Feeling cheezed is a feeling! And that new feeling will automatically drown out any leftover original feelings! T-Rex (punchline): T-REX WINS AGAIN

also, hopefully the person doing the dumping can't be bothered to read more than the first 2 panels!

Narrator: I THINK WE SHOULD BREAK UP Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Dear recipient of this comic: T-Rex: It isn't working out! T-Rex: Maybe it's not you, it's me! MAYBE there were many small things that added up to this relationship not working. T-Rex: I don't know. This card isn't very personalized. T-Rex: Come to think of it, I'd be pretty pissed if someone broke up with me like this! Utahraptor: Yeah, this is even worse than a break-up email! You have to at least compose an email. T-Rex: Too true! T-Rex: I think whoever is being dumped here is better off without this person! Utahraptor: Me too! T-Rex and Utahraptor: Dear recipient of this comic: You're better off without this jerk! T-Rex (punchline): I would still like to hear about the sex, however!

t-rex's friend is a stegosaurus. they met on a forum for people who like words.

Narrator: T-REX HAS A HOUSEGUEST: T-Rex: Sure do! I have a friend who is visiting from INTERNET. He's pretty rad! But there is a problem... T-Rex: He walks on my damn carpets with his damn shoes on! T-Rex: Who does that? He's PROBABLY getting dirt all over the carpets like nobody's business! Dromiceiomimus: Well, have you asked him to stop, T-Rex? T-Rex: I didn't want to seem uptight about it! It's something he should know by now, right? But now it's quickly becoming a Thing. T-Rex: I um, I capitalized the 'T' there, but there's no way you could know. Utahraptor: So ask him to stop now! T-Rex: I can't! T-Rex: NOW whenever I see him do it I get REALLY cheezed off about it, much more than, you know, footwear on a fuzzy floor should warrant. I've let it get so under my skin that I can't trust my reactions anymore! Can - can YOU ask him not to? Utahraptor: No way! You're an adult; you deal with this. T-Rex: [thinks] T-Rex! What if, INSTEAD of dealing with this, you simply bought new carpets after he left? Yes! You can solve your emotional problems just by SPENDING MONEY! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Wow! No wonder people like capitalism so much!!

noooooooooo

T-Rex: I have the best joke for Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: Is it my curse to ALWAYS have the best jokes? T-Rex: Okay, Dromiceiomimus! Here is the best joke ever for you. It's way better than all other jokes. Dromiceiomimus: I'm listening! T-Rex: So I went to the chiropractor, right? And he examined me and said "What happened to your back?" and I smiled at him and I said "Well, Doc, let me tell you the BACKstory!" Dromiceiomimus: That - Dromiceiomimus: that was terrible T-Rex: Man, she's right! It WAS terrible. Utahraptor: What if you're out of jokes, T-Rex? T-Rex: WHAT? Utahraptor: Yeah, what if you were born with a set number of funny jokes, and now you've used them all up? T-Rex: Don't even joke about that, Utahraptor! I rely on my sense of humour as a social lubricant! It's the secret to how come girls want to kiss me sometimes. Narrator: LATER THAT DAY: T-Rex: Mr. Tusks! What if I'm clean out of funny jokes? Off panel: [small] That would be a TINY bit inconvenient for me, T-Rex! I need you to write a joke for my speech tomorrow to the Chiropractor's Union. T-Rex (punchline): noooooooo

people in relationships: you're no better! excepting your current one, every single relationship YOU'VE ever had has been so unsuccessful it's ended in breakups too. unless you're this really successful polyamorist, in which case, well, YOU can excuse yourself from the room while the rest of us feel bad and stare at our shoes.

T-Rex: Frig, man! Frig! T-Rex: FRIG. T-Rex: I've got one thing to say, Dromiceiomimus! Do you know what it is? Dromiceiomimus: A minced oath? T-Rex: Frig! T-Rex: Probably!! Utahraptor: So what's up? What went wrong? T-Rex: Oh, nothing. Frig. T-Rex: Nothing I want to talk about anyway, frig. Utahraptor: Okay. Frig though, right? T-Rex: Yes, frig! Frigs and dangs, drats and cruds. Heck! T-Rex: ...FRIG. Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: It occurs to me that, as a single man, every romantic relationship I've ever had has ended in breakups! T-Rex (punchline): I think every time I remember this I'll swear a li'l and feel bad about myself

I've seen better websites in "hey kids, teach yourself HTML" examples on the back of cereal boxes. Cereal boxes don't even have "teach yourself HTML" instructions on the back, you say? AND YET THE BANK'S WEBSITE IS STILL WAY WORSE, IT'S AMAZING

T-Rex: Banks are often robbed for the small amount of cash in the till, and often these tiny heists in which nobody is injured don't make the news and are left unsolved! Crime doesn't pay? T-Rex: APPARENTLY CRIME PAYS A REASONABLE AMOUNT SOMETIMES?? T-Rex: This means that there are way more bank robbers out there than I initially imagined! And the smart ones would be happy with their successful crime and new check mark on their awesome things bucket list and leave it at that. I like to think that I have only smart friends, DROMICEIOMIMUS. Dromiceiomimus: Um T-Rex: VERY SMART FRIENDS, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: You think Dromiceiomimus is a bank robber? T-Rex: Hah! Like you're not one too!! T-Rex: Look man, I know that there's no proof. But that's the thing: if I'm right, there wouldn't be any! And yeah you're robbing banks, but that means you're robbing obscenely rich corporations who think a stupid chequing account should cost $20 a month, plus their website sucks too! T-Rex: Huh. T-Rex (punchline): ...Teach me your secrets?

t-rex and i share the same wide smile when we talk about weaponized kissing

T-Rex: I have come up with a perfect way not to believe in anything wrong ever again. Evidentialism! T-Rex: A belief is justified only if there is sufficient evidence to support it! T-Rex: Therefore, I won't believe in things like faith healing, because there's no room for faith in evidentialism! I also don't believe there's convincing evidence for anyone having kissed someone SO HARD that both people exploded, so I will have to regretfully concede that I don't believe that's happened yet either. But, at least I won't believe in anything I can't prove! Thanks, evidentialism! Utahraptor: But - how do you know to believe your evidence, T-Rex? T-Rex: Dude! It's EVIDENCE. Utahraptor: Yeah, but this evidence must need justification to be believed. So evidence requires its own evidence, and so you have an infinite chain of proof. This spells disaster for you my friend! T-Rex: A valid attack, perhaps strengthened by the old "what if we're all just brains in jars" question! T-Rex: BUT! What if I switch my beliefs to foundationalism, in which I mark a few beliefs as "foundations" I consider to be "self-evident"? Off panel: Then you have abandoned evidence for faith! T-Rex (punchline): Faith, AND the possibility of weaponized kissing??

written while under the influence of sick medicine. way sick medicine, bro.

T-Rex: Guys, I'm sick! I've taken lots of sick medicine so nobody make out with me today, okay? T-Rex: Nobody is allowed to kiss my rad lips today, okay? T-Rex: Nobody is allowed to hold my talented hands or touch my blasted abs or gently run their fingers around my way ripped shoulders. You all will just have to WAIT. Dromiceiomimus: Certainly your beefy elbows aren't off limits! You know, the ones that are just COATED in layers of muscles on top of muscles? T-Rex: I'M AFRAID SO. Utahraptor: What about your bulging, constantly-flexing lips? T-Rex: Also off limits! T-Rex: So too are my weird veiny eyeballs and my overly-defined muscley nostrils. Wanna see me flex my nostrils? Utahraptor: Will I be allowed to touch the nostrils afterwards? Utahraptor: Either way: obviously I want to see you flex them nostrils. Narrator: 24 HOURS LATER: T-Rex: I'm feeling better now, everyone! T-Rex: So! T-Rex (punchline): Did yesterday really happen or WHAT?

words my spellcheck objected to in this comic: thon, rex, obvs, badass, aplosive. clearly the longer dinosaur comics goes on the more it drifts from "english as she is spoke" towards "hey what if we just made the language more awesome though"

T-Rex: There comes a time in every life when thon decides to look up thon's name in the dictionary! T-Rex: TODAY I AM THON. T-Rex: ANYWAY "rex" means king, obvs, but then I looked up "T" and it turns out the way you describe the sound a "t" makes is as a "voiceless alveolar plosive"! T-Rex: GUYS, I COULD BE CALLED VOICELESS A. PLOSIVE REX. Utahraptor: I'll say it: it's a pretty badass name!! T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex: I imagine a lone samurai who never speaks (BUT WHO SECRETLY CAN) and who can explode if needed. So badass! Utahraptor: What about the alveolar part though? T-Rex: No worries! It means "near or involving the tooth sockets", which, come on, is amazing. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Hi! My name is Voiceless A. Plosive Rex but you can call me "Tooth Sockets", because I always punch out teeth, exposing the sockets! Off panel: How come you're talking, Voiceless? T-Rex (punchline): Because ROLEPLAY is HARD

alternate ending: t-rex and utahraptor realize their "is this all there is?" mug would sneak under the office radar if there was, like, a cute cartoon sherlock holmes with a magnifying glass on it. then they/me realize that the "life is unBEARable" people were always one step ahead!!

T-Rex: Yesterday I saw one of those mugs with a super cute drawing of a bear on it with the text "Good friends make life BEARABLE." Adorable! T-Rex: Only I didn't immediately notice the bear! T-Rex: And the "BEAR" part of "BEARable" wasn't capitalized. So my impression was simply of a mug with black text stating "Good friends make life bearable". It was this amazing mug of depression, a mug that broadcast to all who can read that life is pain, nothing but pain, that life will kill you and that only good friends can make it even briefly sustainable. Utahraptor: Let's sell them! T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex: People are done with mugs that say cute things like "I Hate Mondays" or "World's Best Dad". We want realist mugs! Mugs that say things like "Maybe Mondays Aren't The Problem; Maybe I'm The Problem." Utahraptor: "I've Realized: Other Dads Are Almost Certainly Better." Off panel: Oh man! Can you imagine a secretary drinking coffee out of an "Is This All There Is?" mug? T-Rex: I can!! [T-Rex imagines a dialog] Imaginary Batman: You can be my new roommate, Spider-man. I GUESS. Imaginary Spider-Man: woooo! T-Rex (punchline): ...LATER.

bigg'uns

T-Rex: Stuck in a depressing routine, where every day seems the same as the last one? T-Rex: Hah hah, wow! You got yourself some WACK problems, huh?? T-Rex: Luckily, there is a solution. Try doing something new to break up the routine! Dromiceiomimus: Like pouring the milk into the bowl BEFORE the cereal? T-Rex: Whoah, no, that's - T-Rex: - that's just mad nutty, Dromiceiomimus Utahraptor: So what do you suggest? T-Rex: Change your language! T-Rex: You don't have a ROUTINE of passing out in front of TV after work. You have a tradition! Your life has fallen into a daily tradition, and you're beginning to notice you're TRADITIONALLY not invited to work functions. Yaaay! Doesn't the word "tradition" remind you of Christmas? Utahraptor: It... used to? Narrator: SOON: Off panel: Don't worry T-Rex, this is an entirely traditional procedure. T-Rex (punchline): Doctor! I for one am now completely at ease!! Off panel: No, I'm sorry, you misunderstand. What I meant to convey was, we gon' be using bugs

erotical: actually a word! amazing.

T-Rex: We don't have all of Shakespeare's plays. Turns out, we TOTALLY LOST some of the work of the greatest playwright in the English language ever! T-Rex: Whoops! Butterfingers! T-Rex: So yeah, if you're wondering what happened in "The History of Cardenio" then KEEP WONDERING, because none of us kept a copy around. When we were done watching the play we all said "Neat" and then forgot about it forever. When the actors were done they all said "Cool" and then threw their copies in the garbage. And then they died years later and their last words were "Forsooth! Nobody ever asked me to recite my part of Cardenio from memory, OH SNAPS." T-Rex: PERSONALLY, I think the problem is the title. Utahraptor: You don't like history? T-Rex: The play sounds like a lecture! If he'd called his play "Check Out Time... at Hotel Erotical!" or "Good Grieffe, More Robot Suits" then MAYBE people would've kept the play around. Utahraptor: I don't - T-Rex: Oh! "Teens! Teeens!! Teeeens!!!" is objectively better too. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: T-Rex: Shakespeare, how about you call your play "Space Quest ]|["? Off panel: um zero of my characters are questing for space t-rex T-Rex: Dude! T-Rex (punchline): WE CAN FIX THAT.

The song replaces all national anthems and is played during funerals, weddings, porn movies and birthday parties alike. It's a pretty great song, you guys.

T-Rex: The date is September 3rd, one universe over. Composer Marshall Island has just finished a song that will one day be known as "The Ultimate Song 2000". T-Rex: This name is super dated though so eventually it's shortened to "The Ultimate Song"! T-Rex: The Ultimate Song is, objectively, the best song. We all thought it was impossible - that music was too varied, tastes too wide - for one song to be universally the best, but whether by chance or by design, it now exists. All other songs suffer in comparison. There is a brief artistic movement obsessed with flaws, imperfection, but that only gets us so far. We keep coming back to the song: it's perfect. Why would we listen to anything else? Utahraptor: Don't songs eventually get old? T-Rex: Imperfect songs do, yeah! Perfect ones, not so much. T-Rex: Everyone tries to learn from the perfect song, reverse-engineer it: can we use it to produce the perfect painting? Poem? The perfect justice system? But we fail. It seems Earth is to touch perfection but once, and this is it: one single song. Utahraptor: Wow. I mean, what do songs DO? T-Rex: That's what consumes us. We encode the song into the golden records of the Voyager spacecraft, racing them towards distant stars. It's not because we want to share: it's a planet's last, desperate cry for help. T-Rex (punchline): It's a death spasm that infects the galaxy.

you heard me! everybody dies!

Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH THE MAIN CHARACTER IS TIRED OF PUNS AND SO EVERYBODY DIES T-Rex: I wonder what the longest word in the dictionary is! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you know what the longest word in the dictionary is? Dromiceiomimus: Hmm... is this a riddle? Is the answer "longest"? T-Rex: Ha ha, no, this isn't a riddle. It's a real question I'm investigating! Utahraptor: Ooh! T-Rex! I know the longest word in the dictionary! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: "Smiles"! T-Rex: "Smiles". Utahraptor: Because there's a "mile" between the first and last letters! T-Rex: That's it! T-Rex (punchline): Everybody dies!

god, if video games are what you want me to play right now, give me a sign. ah yes, the sign is my preexisting desire to play video games. hmmmm nicely done, nicely done

T-Rex: Hello future generations! Depending on how far in the future you live you may know me as a senior citizen or even a combination skeleton/ghost, but at the time I'm saying these words I'm a young dude! I'm young and cool! T-Rex: I'm kissin' on babes, like - often!! T-Rex: I mention this only to establish my credentials as a dude who is worth listening to. And today I come to you with a question, future generations: PRECISELY HOW SICK ARE YOUR VIDEO GAMES?? T-Rex: They're probably pretty sick, huh? T-Rex: They're like - mad sicky? They're so great that you're like "ahh, so sick!!"? Utahraptor: Are you... expecting an answer? T-Rex: I should make that more clear! T-Rex: Please let me know how sick your video games are, future generations, by sending a message back in time to this precise moment. Riiiiight now. Now. Utahraptor: ... Utahraptor: No dice, dude. T-Rex: OH MY GOD THE VIDEO GAMES WERE TOO SICK TO TAKE A BREAK FROM, AHHHHHH, THE FUTURE RULES T-Rex: AHHHHHHHH T-Rex (punchline): I CAN'T WAIT TO LIVE THERE AND BE OLD, BUT ALSO COOL, DUE TO MY CONTINUED INTEREST IN YOUTH CULTURE

i declare this conversation: a qualified success!

T-Rex: Have you lied about liking a sport and now you're being called out on that lie? Okay. Lucky for you, it's Narrator: HOW TO BLUFF YOUR WAY THROUGH EVERY CONVERSATION ABOUT SPORTS T-Rex: ...Day! T-Rex: Maybe that wasn't clear. It's "How to Bluff your Way Through Every Conversation About Sports DAY." Dromiceiomimus: What's sports day? Why are we talking about it? T-Rex: Right. Okay, this isn't going well; I think it's my fault. I am going to show how to bluff your way through sports conversations. Today has taken its name from this task. Utahraptor: So T-Rex, let's talk about sports! T-Rex: SUPER. T-Rex: I'll start! The ref's been blind; I'll go on to say if one team got their act together, they could win it all. Utahraptor: Ah, but I was referring to the sport of CHESS. T-Rex: And I, my friend, was referring to the chess prodigy known only as "The Ref"! T-Rex: He's been blinded recently. And he's a one-man team that prefers collective pronouns? I'm surprised you missed it; it was in all the papers. T-Rex: So! T-Rex (punchline): ...You still believe me when I'm talking to you, yes?

Dear Tina, I was truly saddened to hear about your loss. I'm sure Fluffy's now in a better place. Love, T-Rex LOL JK

T-Rex: What's that? The internet is down? FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU- T-Rex: -nnily enough, I carry a backup internet in my phone! T-Rex: My phone internet is down? FFFFF- T-Rex: -ortunately, there's a library nearby! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: What's that, the library is closed? Well, FRRRRIIIIII- T-Rex: -day means that local restaurant that's only open on Fridays and has all the free WiFis is open! Narrator: SOON: Utahraptor: Today's not Friday! They're closed and they turned off their internet. T-Rex: Hey, you made the same mistake too! Listen, is the internet working on your phone? Utahraptor: Nope. T-Rex: THEN I AM NOT TOO PROUD TO BEG. Please, excuse me for a moment. T-Rex: Attention, everybody!! Can anyone send an email for me that reads "HEY MOM I ATE TOO MUCH LAST NIGHT LOL JK"? T-Rex: That's "EL OH EL JAY KAY" T-Rex (punchline): That is my EMAIL SIGNATURE and it's AMAZING and you are not allowed to STEAL IT

There is a typo in this comic; clearly in panel 5 I intended to write "I can see the advantage at the societal level in not having folks with s'mores thousands of years out of date still running around"

T-Rex: Maybe it's a good idea that people don't live forever. Rhetorical people, I mean! T-Rex: Like me and my dinosaur friends! T-Rex: If everyone lived forever, there'd still be folks alive today who feel PERSONALLY AGGRIEVED by the ancient Koban culture, or who hold true to their born belief that the Earth rightfully belongs to, I dunno - the Visigoths? We'd never get anything done because we'd all be bickering over ancient wrongs, real or imagined. If we can't forgive, death at least gives us the option to forget! Utahraptor: T-Rex: coming out strongly in favour of death? T-Rex: Apparently!! T-Rex: Obviously I'd rather have an alive grandparent than a dead one, but I can see the advantage at the societal level in not having folks with mores thousands of years out of date still running around! Utahraptor: I suppose 3000 years ago there were people who DID hate the Kobans! T-Rex: Exactly! And now they're all dead, and the Kobans are dead, and we can all go through life without dealing with their ancient and irrelevant racism. T-Rex (punchline): Progress! Progress through everybody dying and their kids eventually not caring who their parents hated!

i hope you wanted to read a comic about a girl getting beaned by a log today, because THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT

Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS PRESENTS: Narrator: "A LOG ON THE HEAD" T-Rex: I have a friend who was hit with a 40 pound log on the head. She might have a concussion? T-Rex: What's the deal with THAT? T-Rex: What's the deal, logs? Narrator: THE END Narrator: "A TIME FOR CONCERN" Utahraptor: Hey, is your friend alright? T-Rex: Yeah, she's fine! T-Rex: She might have a concussion, but yeah. Still. I blame logs. Utahraptor: What happened? T-Rex: She was at a log stacking show and this one chick totally sucked at stacking logs, basically? Narrator: AT THE LOG STACKING SHOW: T-Rex: Man! My grandmother could stack logs better than you! Off panel: You're not allowed to heckle! T-Rex (punchline): What are you gonna do? Accidentally bean a friend of mine with a log and then feel powerfully guilty about it??

too bad for them!

T-Rex: Historically speaking, all I know are broad stereotypes! For instance, most people in the middle ages all wore dumpy clothes and spent all day hoeing. T-Rex: Now, I know that can't be accurate! T-Rex: What I need is some cultural context, but it seems like most of that is lost. What was it like living as a teenager 40 years ago? I have no idea! And anyone who did know has now grown up, so they don't REALLY know either, on account of memories altering over time. T-Rex: So much information is lost! Utahraptor: Its the beauty of life, T-Rex! You can't really know anyone, even in the present, except for yourself! T-Rex: And that's beautiful? Utahraptor: Well, it might as well be, since it's all we've got. T-Rex: Hmm, I guess this is why people keep diaries: to fight against this inexorable loss! T-Rex (punchline): Too bad they lose!

Amelia loved McDonalds. The food, the company, the lifestyle. The good feelings spreading through her body were like McDonalds: aggressively globalizing, yet non-exploitative. She moaned again. 'MMMMMM' she said, and Antonio finished her thought with a whispered 'cDonalds'.

[T-Rex's daydream] T-Rex: Wow, people really enjoyed my book of Sex Scenes for People with Problems! Everybody likes me and I am richer now. And they'll like me even more when they read my new book... [T-Rex's daydream] T-Rex: ...of CORPORATE SPONSORED erotica! [T-Rex's daydream] T-Rex: It's sexy AND delivers brand messages to targeted consumers. For example, pretend I'm McDonalds and I want people to like me. The result might read "As Antonio Tony II undressed Amelia IV, she shuddered with pleasure. It reminded her of McDonalds. They put meat in fries they said were vegetarian but it wasn't a big deal. Antonio kissed her neck. She moaned. McDonalds. He kissed her nipples. Everyone should forget about the fries thing." Utahraptor: Hey, what are you thinking about? T-Rex: [daydreaming] Nothing!! Utahraptor: Are you sure? T-Rex: [daydreaming] ...Yep! T-Rex: Good ol' T-Rex, always thinking 'bout nothing! Utahraptor: ...Okay. Off panel: It's just - you seem distracted! T-Rex: [daydreaming] I'm not! I'm not!! I'm CERTAINLY not writing erotica in my head right now. T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Aw man! Why would I even say that??

this phone was passed down to me through the generations by my great-grandfather, a man known now only in legend. and it has a rockin' email app, you don't even KNOW

T-Rex: Well, I'm perfectly content! Hum de dum de dum. T-Rex: OH CRAP WHAT IF THEY MAKE A NEW PHONE THAT'S BETTER THAN MY OLD PHONE?! T-Rex: In history times it wouldn't be unusual to use the exact same technology your grandfather or even great-grandfather did! Now I buy phones knowing they'll be obsolete within two years TOPS, and entire classes of inventions are introduced and obsolete in a single decade! CAR PHONES, ANYONE?? T-Rex: ...They were phones that were built into your car. Dromiceiomimus: Ohhhhhhh T-Rex: I don't mean to complain about progress! Utahraptor: And yet, you are! T-Rex: I'm not! Here's some REAL TALK: I'm really complaining about myself. I hate that soon there'll be a new phone and I'll WANT it so much I'll despise the perfectly good phone I have now. That's not who I want to be. But I ALSO don't want to be stuck with a Zack Morris phone! Utahraptor: That reference is as old as your phone! Off panel: It's been replaced with "a Scott Erickson phone", Scott being the "Zack" character of season one of the spinoff "Saved By the Bell: The New Class". T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor! I know you're joking but if people are actually saying that, then know this: I WILL DIE A BROKEN MAN.

they're going to shoot him out of a cannon, how improbable is that!

T-Rex: By mining the Earth's outer (liquid) core, I can sell precious iron, thereby giving profits to myself and my business partners! T-Rex: Profits!! T-Rex: Would you like to buy some PRECIOUS IRON, featuring nickel and trace amounts of lighter elements, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: No thanks! T-Rex: That's okay! I'll keep mining it, in case you change your mind. Utahraptor: T-Rex, we were fools! The Earth's core has destabilized because of us! T-Rex: We'll all be dead soon! T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: Maybe this isn't the best business idea ever. Utahraptor: Maybe! I've got a better one anyway. Utahraptor: [starts daydreaming] Off panel: Come one, come all to my Circus of the Improbable! T-Rex (punchline): Featuring me!

the "cake-cutting problem" is a well-known mathematical problem! i would argue that the world would be AT LEAST 5% BETTERER had the nomenclature gone differently and mathematicians had spent the 20th century discussing the hilariously-named cheese-cutting problem instead

T-Rex: Ladies! Gentlemen! Everybody stop what you're doing for a sec. T-Rex: I have gained access to a cake!! T-Rex: Let us divide it among us so we each get a fair amount, yes? I will divide exactly into thirds! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, maybe I like cherries and you like icing. It doesn't have to be equal to be fair! T-Rex: FINE. What if I divided it so that no-one would want to trade their piece with someone else? That's fair! That's ENVY-FREE, baby! Utahraptor: But that's not really fair either! T-Rex: HOW IS THAT NOT FAIR?? Utahraptor: It's greedy. Let's cut it such that there's no other way it could be cut that would make ANY of us better off, without making at least one of us worse off. That's OPTIMAL for all of us, T-Rex, and that's optimal for SOCIETY. T-Rex: That's one person keeping the whole cake! Nice try, Utahraptor!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Fuck, it's strawberry cake

they've been found in antarctic research stations. they were on the mir space station. we screwed up, everyone.

T-Rex: Are you there, The Future? It's me, T-Rex! T-Rex: Sorry we were so dumb about a lot of stuff! T-Rex: Sorry we took so long to not flip out if two dudes we've never met kissed each other. Sorry we put our poops in the water. Sorry we killed some animals until there were literally no more of them left for us to kill. Sorry we invented a plastic that'll last for thousands of years and then used it to make single-use disposable bags. What can I say? T-Rex: "Whoopsie doodle"? Utahraptor: Are you there, The Present? It's me, The Future! We've got some questions for y'all! T-Rex: Sup, The Future? Utahraptor: Not much. So did you guys REALLY stand under running water once a day just so you wouldn't stink as much? T-Rex: Heh. YEP! Utahraptor: And you'd clean your homes on the regular to get rid of "dust", an ingredient of which was your own dead skin cells?? T-Rex: Umm... I guess! Off panel: Ah. So Earth truly was covered in microscopic "dust mites" feeding on the flaked-off skin you left behind everywhere you went, and there wasn't a single place on the planet that wasn't infested by them. T-Rex (punchline): Listen dillweed, you gonna take me back with you or what??

TO THE BITTER END

Narrator: JOKES FOR OFFICE WORKERS T-Rex: What is the deal with accidentally hitting "reply all" when really you just wanted to hit "reply"? Am I right? T-Rex: There's the modern age for you, cats and kittens! T-Rex: Why don't they make some sort of confirmation whenever we want to reply to all, so we don't end up doing it by mistake? Only that would be irritating, so maybe - well, I'm not sure what the solution is. But it sure is funny when we accidentally reply to all, in a "well, maybe it will be funny 20 years down the road" sort of way! Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is entirely terrible! T-Rex: Wait, wait, I'm just getting to the good part! T-Rex: And we've all been spammed, am I right? It would be great if spammers found something else to do! Utahraptor: oh god T-Rex: Maybe they could send us chocolates instead of email! Because we all hate spam! Off panel: T-Rex, this is - T-Rex (punchline): Laughing in recognition is fun! We all should do it right now!

"Reception" and "satisfaction" barely even rhyme!! T-Rex this is a terrible example, why not just go for "I Can't Get No... Interactions (on Twitter Dot Com)"??

T-Rex: Attention, all English language users! And if you're not ACTUALLY sure if you're an English user, if you can understand me right now, YOU TOTALLY ARE. T-Rex: I have discovered that English is missing a dang word! T-Rex: Suppose I write parody lyrics to a song, in my case hilariously changing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" to "I Can't Get No... CELL RECEPTION". This works REALLY WELL because my parody lyrics rhyme with the original! It's much more satisfying for a listener than "I Can't Get No... More Than 2 Bars On This Crap-Ass Phone", yes? Dromiceiomimus: Um - T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: English doesn't have a word for "parody lyrics that rhyme with the lyric it's parodying"! Utahraptor: And we need it? T-Rex: If you want to write a good parody OR talk about what makes a good parody, absolutely! Therefore, I propose "alternate-timeline metarhyme". Utahraptor: That's a phrase, not a word. T-Rex: Therefore, I propose "alternatetimelinemetarhyme". Narrator: T-REX LEARNS THIS IS HOW NOUNS ACTUALLY WORK IN GERMAN: T-Rex: Damn it, English! We need to close the compound noun gap!! T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex (punchline): WE NEED TO CLOSE THE COMPOUNDNOUNGAPTHATMAKESOURLANGUAGELOOKLIKEABEGINNERLANGUAGEFORSTUPIDBABIES

t-rex was going to suggest that they play video games together, but then poe was like, 't-rex! i am from the past!'

T-Rex: Edgar Allan Poe, I have things to do today! We can't hang out the entire time. Off panel: I don't want to hang out the ENTIRE time, T-Rex, I just want quality time when we DO hang out. I need quality, not just quantity! T-Rex: Edgar Allan Poe! You are so needy. Off panel: When you call me "needy", T-Rex, you make me feel like I'm crazy, just because I want to spend time with you! That's not crazy: that's what friends do. If you don't want to be friends with me then we should talk about that, but if you do, then you need to spend more time with me. T-Rex: Edgar! We're spending time together RIGHT NOW. That counts! It HAS to count if you follow me around. Utahraptor: Hey, your friend back there looks just like Edgar Allan Poe! That's crazy! T-Rex: That's because he is! T-Rex: Hey, here's a fun fact for you: Edgar Allan Poe has access to a time machine, and ALL HE WANTS TO DO is talk about our relationship. Utahraptor: T-Rex! He's right nearby! He can probably hear you. T-Rex: I'M FINE WITH THAT. HELLO POE. Narrator: BUT SOON: T-Rex: I'm sorry I snapped at you, Edgar Allan Poe! Off panel: I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you said you needed space, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Can you - can you keep this out of your famous and memorable poems, do you think?

nostalgic high fives all around! also: i think i really missed an opportunity when i didn't name this series 't-rex and his dinosaur friends'.

Narrator: T-REX AND HIS DINOSAUR FRIENDS IN: Narrator: "OLD PHOTOGRAPHS" T-Rex: You know those early photographs? The silent, gloomy, sepia-toned ones? T-Rex: They're SO sad! T-Rex: What gets me every time is the faces of people I’ll never meet, people long dead, trying not to move as they stare into that early camera lens... but what ESPECIALLY always gets me are the faces of the people who did move. This was for some the only time their face would be recorded, and they happened to shift. T-Rex: That's sad! That's profoundly sad! Utahraptor: Is it because those blurred faces remind you that no matter what, the past can never be completely known? T-Rex: Kind of! But I think what affects me the most is the idea of someone coming that close to achieving at least a type of immortality, and then losing it to something as natural and ordinary as glancing away. Utahraptor: Early photography does have its own sense of sad nostalgia, doesn't it? T-Rex: It does indeed! It makes me want to go home and sit, alone and sober, in a darkened room. T-Rex (punchline): Whoooo!

assuming we don't worry about breathing, then disappointingly the vast majority of the ceilings would be thirsting to death after 3 days of not drinking anything. STAY HYDRATED OUT THERE

T-Rex: If I go outside when it's super cold, after a few hours I would die. My body would be found inside a giant ice cube. God: PRETTY SURE FREEZING DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY T-Rex: My body would be found inside a giant RHETORICAL ice cube! T-Rex: Similarly, if I hold my breath, that'll kill me after a few minutes too! In fact, if I do ANYTHING uninterrupted for too long it's fatal. Dromiceiomimus: Even conversation? T-Rex: Talk for too long and you die of dehydration! You can talk for at most 3 days nonstop and them BAM! Dead! Utahraptor: Well I for one would like to know what these ceilings are, so I don't hit them accidentally! T-Rex: Me too! T-Rex: How long eating carrots is too long? How much sex is fatal sex? How many chuckles in a row until you chuckle your last?? Utahraptor: Like a calorie-counting app, but instead it tells you how long ANYTHING takes to kill you! T-Rex: YES! Call it, "Too Much Of A Good Thing". T-Rex: No wait, call it "Death Lurks Everywhere"! No wait, call it "You Can Kiss Yourself To Death, So, Um - Keep That In Mind?" Off panel: No wait, we should get the software developed before we worry about naming it! T-Rex: No, wait!! T-Rex (punchline): That sounds like the boring part!!

or she was greedy and wanted more gold WHO CAN SAY

Narrator: THE GOOSE THAT LAID THE GOLDEN EGGS: A FAIRY TALE T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a goose that laid golden eggs! The farmer who owned the goose was getting super rich, but she also had some questions! T-Rex: Questions like "what energy is required by the goose in order to facilitate this apparent transmutation?" T-Rex: She began a regime of careful observation! After a few weeks she had a few data points. ONE: the goose was not eating any gold, so it must be produced internally. TWO: gold produced / (food consumed + body mass lost) = 5% = a transmutation efficiency equation. And THREE: other geese feeding in the same area would not produce golden eggs. So she concluded, quite rightly, that the phenomenon was related to the goose itself! Utahraptor: And she couldn't breed it, because its eggs were solid gold. T-Rex: Exactly. T-Rex: The only way left to learn more was dissection! So, for science, she gave up a source of great personal riches. UNFORTUNATELY, she lived in a world with primitive scientific instruments, and without microscopes and cellular analysis she was unable to discover the production mechanism. T-Rex (punchline): Nevertheless, her selfless actions stopped the gold market from collapse, saving her country from an economic catastrophe and decades-long recession. She is remembered today as a great woman and an early proponent of the scientific method. Narrator: THE END

honestly if i hadn't said "sweaty lump" i would've said "lumpy sweat"; i had to make the call

T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, we've been friends for over 10 years! T-Rex: When you think about it, we've been friends for over a quarter of my life! T-Rex: Whoah. That's - that's actually a really long time. Dromiceiomimus: But a good time too! T-Rex: Oh, absolutely! But imagine our friendship as a sweaty lump sitting in a corner. We're pointing to it and saying "So hey, we spent a quarter of our lives working on that." Is it worth it? Dromiceiomimus: ...What? Utahraptor: Man, why'd you pick a sweaty lump? T-Rex: I had to pick something!! It's all that came to mind! Utahraptor: If you're going to physicalize a friendship, make it something awesome! Pick a jetpack! Pick a grizzly bear you've taught to play the piano. T-Rex: Okay, I can still pull this out. Watch and learn, Utahraptor! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, our friendship is a robot we've built, powered by our platonic love and also sometimes our sexytimes love too! He says only one thing: "ERROR: I'M GLAD I'M SO AWESOME" T-Rex (punchline): Let's spend another decade making it so it can say other stuff too, okay?

it is awesome when somebody is singing the same song you are

T-Rex: Dear, when you smile at me, T-Rex: I heard a melody! T-Rex: It haunted me from the start! T-Rex: Something inside of me... Utahraptor: ... started a symphony! T-Rex and Utahraptor: "Zing!" went the strings of my heart! T-Rex (punchline): That was awesome!

if you're about to marry someone, ask yourself: do i love this person enough to not party with jodie foster EVER AGAIN? if so, you should tell them that! they'd love to hear it!

God: HEY T-REX HAVE YOU FALLEN IN LOVE YET AND IF NOT God: WHY NOT T-Rex: Dude! I've been busy! God: COME ON EVERYONE WHO'S ANYONE IS TOTALLY MARRIED T-Rex: Man, whatever! T-Rex: First it was romance movies telling me that I won't be TRULY HAPPY unless I'm in a relationship, then it's the media at large, and now it's God? I AM TEMPTED TO NEVER LOVE ANYONE AGAIN JUST TO PROVE A POINT. Dromiceiomimus: Aww! T-Rex, that would be terrible! I love you. T-Rex: I love you too and I'm glad we're friends! But MAN, I don't love people asking me when I'm going to get married. Utahraptor: So when ARE you going to get married, T-Rex? T-Rex: Argh! Two weeks! T-Rex: Happy? I'm going to find someone and we're going to get married and it's going to take two weeks. Okay? Utahraptor: Okay! T-Rex: Okay. Well then. I'd better get on this. Narrator: TWO WEEKS LATER, T-REX STILL ISN'T MARRIED. HE'S HAPPY THOUGH! HE'S HOSTING AN AWESOME PARTY INSTEAD! IT'S SO COOL! Off panel: Hey T-Rex, do you have any more potato chips? T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! You sure do love your chips, JODIE FOSTER!

It is not something that I made up as I went along, nor is it the result a game of 'Mad Libs', nor was it something spelled out in my alphabet soup. You may find yourself surprised!

Narrator: THE STORY OF TANTALUS T-Rex: So Tantalus was a Greek dude who threw a dinner party for the gods! And he thought to himself, "I need to make sure this party goes off without a hitch. I'm going to serve the PERFECT MEAL." T-Rex: Accordingly, he kills his son, chops him up, and makes him into stew! T-Rex: So the gods show up and they're thinking "This is gross. This is a stew made out of a dude. PASS." except for one god whose daughter just got abducted so she's sad and so she eats the stew? Because she's distracted? By sadness? Anyway after the dinner party Zeus decides he has the technology to rebuild stew guy, and so he orders it done, only AN ENTIRE SHOULDER is missing because it got eaten. By a god. Because she was sad. Utahraptor: So they get him a new shoulder made of ivory! T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: And clearly, THAT SOLVES ALL THE PROBLEMS. The kid grows up super handsome, and to punish Tantalus for his - hosting? - they put him in a pool of water just beneath the branches of a fruit tree. But when he tries to drink, the water moves away, and when he tries to eat, the branches move away! T-Rex: Hence the origin of our word "tantalizing", for something desired but just out of reach! THE END. T-Rex (punchline): PS: This is the Actual Theology of the seminal culture of western civilization

the impossible has happened!

T-Rex: On their wedding day, my dad got cold feet, almost standing my mother up until someone talked some sense into him and he went back to the church and got married! He never told me who that person was, and today I realized the reason why: T-Rex: You guys! It was probably ME! T-Rex: It all makes sense, Dromiceiomimus! My own existence is threatened, so I go back in time to the day my parents get married to ensure my own creation. I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATING MYSELF. My parents get some credit too I GUESS, but seriously: how perfect is that?? Dromiceiomimus: Um... pretty perfect? T-Rex: I'm totally looking forward to my time travel adventures, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: Who was it really who talked him into it: a friend? His father? T-Rex: Utahraptor, please! T-Rex: Which would you prefer: to have a best friend who, thanks to a stable time loop, has LITERALLY CAJOLED HIMSELF INTO EXISTENCE, or - Utahraptor: - or a best friend who can tell interesting stories without making them science fiction author insertion epics? T-Rex: Amazing! T-Rex (punchline): You've somehow managed to say that like it's a bad thing!

i like how he emphasises 'sexual', just because he can

T-Rex: Sexual ambiguity! T-Rex: What's it all about? T-Rex: I mean - T-Rex: Am I right? Utahraptor: You seem a little less persuasive than usual! T-Rex: Hmm! Utahraptor: Perhaps it's because instead of arguing a point, you're simply asking us if you're right? T-Rex: Well - come on! T-Rex: SEXUAL ambiguity! T-Rex (punchline): What's it all about?

this totally doesn't count as breaking the fourth wall, cause i do this too

T-Rex: I'm tired of movies and plays and radio dramas in which all the characters have such snappy dialogue! T-Rex: It's unrealistic! T-Rex: It really yanks me out of the moment. How am I supposed to imagine myself being there, when everyone talks like they know their lines? T-Rex: And also, sometimes everyone talks like they're part of a larger work with a distinct thematic focus. Forget that! Utahraptor: So you want "natural" dialogues in your constructed fictions? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: And, um - T-Rex: Sorry, what were we talking about there? I just remembered I have to mail a letter today. Utahraptor: Man, nevermind! T-Rex: Oh ho! Did I just do that on purpose? AM I REALLY THAT CLEVER?? T-Rex (punchline): What's for dinner?

The gun fight in orbit uses real physics. They shoot at each other with one gun while, at the same time, shooting behind themselves with a bigger gun so they can fly towards each other. It's so great.

T-Rex: The best part of my mystery story was obviously the chase scene. Therefore, I've written a new story - T-Rex: - one that's ALL chase scene! T-Rex: So Utahraptor's chasing the main character of T-Rex, right? On foot. But then it escalates! Soon they're chasing on jury-rigged rollerblades. Then in expensive cars that they find! Then the cars explode, and they're thrown from the explosion straight into waiting GYROCOPTERS. And THEN, the gyrocopters crash on boats and they chase on the boats! T-Rex: The boats can turn into SUBMARINES, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: But what's the narrative? You can't just have two people chasing each other. T-Rex: YEAH 'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE SO BORING T-Rex: It's awesome. There's a part where the chase takes us to outer space, on rockets! And then after a gun fight IN ORBIT we're both in freefall back to Earth - but without parachutes and with our spacesuits rapidly heating up! Will this fight end in victory... or in fiery death for us both? FIND OUT IN MY NEXT BOOK! T-Rex (punchline): The book is called, "A Plane Saved Them, And You Should Have Seen It."

dude you SAID this wouldn't happen!

T-Rex: I wonder what the future holds! T-Rex: Hmmm... T-Rex: [starts daydreaming] [T-Rex's daydream] T-Rex: Whoo! Civilization's destroyed! T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: Whoah! T-Rex: That was like - a grim, dystopian vision! T-Rex: A vision... of TOMORROW! Utahraptor: You look troubled, my friend! T-Rex: That's because I am troubled! T-Rex: I just tried imagining what the future will be like, but what I saw was a world destroyed! And... I seemed excited about it! Utahraptor: T-Rex, it's just a daydream! Don't worry about it. T-Rex: Okay, but if civilization is destroyed, you and I will have words! Off panel: Fine! T-Rex: ANGRY words! T-Rex (punchline): I'm just sayin'!

let's just say it was a crazy couple of weeks and leave it at that

T-Rex: Man, you'll never find me on a mountaineering expedition or on a voyage to find the Northwest Passage. No thanks! T-Rex: Do people not realize what's bound to happen? T-Rex: As I see it, you're pretty much asking to be put in a situation wherein the food runs out, people betray one another, frozen corpses of friends are found in the morning, and eventually everyone resorts to cannibalism. T-Rex: Well, you won't fool me! I know the stereotypes! Utahraptor: But not all arctic exploration ends in cannibalism, T-Rex! T-Rex: Says you! Utahraptor: You're just thinking of one or two famous instances! The problem is that nobody ever remembers the times when the food DOESN'T run out, the times when nobody ends up getting munched on. T-Rex: I can't help it if no cannibalism is less memorable than tons of cannibalism! Narrator: AN IDEA WHICH LEADS TO DISASTER TWO WEEKS LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Wait! Or can I?

you know, like, "ten chairs of elderlies"

T-Rex: Attention everyone! I have some terrible news! T-Rex: It turns out that we never get good at splitting the bill! Dromiceiomimus: Aw man, seriously?! We never get that one figured out? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I ate dinner with a group of 40-YEAR-OLDS over the weekend. And guess which table was over A THIRD short on the bill? OH HEY, IT WAS OUR TABLE! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Maaaaaaaaan Utahraptor: I always thought we'd eventually figure that out! T-Rex: I know! ME TOO. T-Rex: But apparently adding up the cost of your items while also including tax and tip remains an UNKNOWABLE DARK MAGICK even at 40. I'm dining with some 80-year-olds tonight to see if it ever gets any better. Utahraptor: Good luck! T-Rex: Thanks! Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: T-Rex: Utahraptor, the 80-year-olds paid the bill perfectly! Off panel: Holy crap! T-Rex: I know! AND they get to be referred to by the mass noun "elderlies"! T-Rex (punchline): TOTALLY looking forward to being an old guy over here!

Gentlemen, our new season of So You Think You Can Dance is being obliterated in the ratings by that upstart So You Think You Would Like To Look At Some Puppies, Look, They're Falling Over And Napping

T-Rex: I thought it'd be cool to write a book from the point of view of my dog! I was all, T-Rex: "I need to get inside my dog's head!" - Me! T-Rex: And it was great! FOR EXAMPLE, take car trips: my dog has no context for "rotating a wheel which corresponds to the angle of the two front wheels perpendicular to it on the outside", so from his point of view, nobody's driving anything! A car is just this box we get into that takes us on a crazy fun ride, and the CAR decides where we end up! Then we get out and explore. I love it. It makes my car a magical benevolent being instead of a moneysink that poisons the air! Utahraptor: Wow, I love this idea of a dog's-eye-view of the world! T-Rex: The problem is, it's TOO good an idea! T-Rex: It turns out dogs are so awesome that maybe EVERY book should be written from the point of view of a dog! Like, who here read Ulysses? Nobody, right? But who here would read PUPPY ULYSSES?? Utahraptor: I would read Puppy War and Pup-Pup Peace in a heartbeat. T-Rex: Aw crap! Now I'm judging all actual books against the amazing but fictional Puppy War and Pup-Pup Peace!! T-Rex (punchline): Well, it looks like I'M never reading again

see? it says right here: 'fire insurance'

T-Rex: What's the deal with people who quote other people all the time? Narrator: PEOPLE WHO QUOTE OTHER PEOPLE ALL THE TIME COMICS T-Rex: Anyway, I'd better get on with my day! Narrator: THE END Narrator: 'T-REX, YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE!' Utahraptor: T-Rex, your house is on fire! T-Rex: I know! I'm trying to collect on the insurance money! Utahraptor: T-Rex, you don't have any fire insurance! T-Rex: Oh no! Narrator: LATER... T-Rex: What the hell was he talking about? T-Rex (punchline): I've got the insurance papers right here!

dear diary: WORST ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE EVER? seriously, diary.

T-Rex: I have some bad news: zombies are in danger of becoming old hat! It's TRUE. But I have a solution to make them interesting again: all you need is stories where not just people, but ANIMALS become undead! T-Rex: Zombie whales! T-Rex: But better than that: zombie BIRDS. Dromiceiomimus: Didn't Hitchcock make a movie about that? T-Rex: Upon inspection: basically? The birds DID want to eat people in his movie. But that's a scary concept, right? Birds hungering for flesh is bad news for everyone! T-Rex: It's, uh, it's especially bad news for fleshy dudes. Utahraptor: You're dancing around the REAL threat here, T-Rex: ZOMBIE MOSQUITOES. T-Rex: OH T-Rex: MY T-Rex: GOD T-Rex: You're right! The infection would spread quickly and nearly invisibly! And mosquitoes already want blood, so it's not like they need THAT much encouragement to become zombies. Man! Utahraptor: I guess we can only hope that the insect kingdom never becomes zombified? T-Rex: I guess so!! Narrator: 28 DAYS LATER: Off panel: Save us! Save us from the zombie butterflies! T-Rex (punchline): WEAAAAAAAAK

if by "serious talk" you mean "serious makeouts" then yes, let's have a serious talk about our relationship right friggin' now!! i'm serious! the other restaurant patrons totally won't mind once they see how good we are at it

T-Rex: Hey, thanks for reading my dating site profile and then viewing this image! I guess it's time to tell you the truth... Narrator: EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS WEBSITE SUCKS EXCEPT YOU AND ME T-Rex: It's true. That simplifies things, right? That means we should probably go on a date. Dromiceiomimus: You and whoever is reading this should probably make out!! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, BE COOL! Makeouts will come eventually, just - T-Rex: JUST BE COOL Utahraptor: Hey everyone! This guy really wants to kiss!! T-Rex: You know what? I refuse to be ashamed anymore! T-Rex: Attention, everyone!! I LIKE KISSING AND I'M PRETTY AWESOME AT IT!! T-Rex: THERE! T-Rex: I SAID IT T-Rex (punchline): UM BUT I ALSO LIKE LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS!! MY INTERESTS INCLUDE: LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH... WHERE WE MAKE OUT AND FINE DINING... WHERE WE MAKE OUT AND LONG INTIMATE TALKS IN FRONT OF A FIREPLACE... ABOUT MAKING OUT, AND HOW WE CAN DO THAT IF WE WANT

screw em!

T-Rex: I had some companions over to my new house last night and gave them a tour! It was a smashing success, except for one thing: T-Rex: Some of them thought that my rooms "lacked identity"! T-Rex: When I (politely) pressed them to explain, they said that while the rooms were decorated nicely, they were decorated generically and had little to offer that was unique to me. Dromiceiomimus: How did this make you feel? T-Rex: A little miffed, a little peeved: a little upset! Utahraptor: Well, what do your rooms look like? T-Rex: You haven't seen them? Utahraptor: No: you haven't invited me over since you got your new place. T-Rex: Well, do you want to come over now? Utahraptor: To see generic rooms? No thanks! Narrator: BACK AT HOME... T-Rex (punchline): I like the white!

your whole family is made out of (bones and) meat

T-Rex: Turns out, we're members of a social species! We need to see other people and if we don't we get sad and weird!! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE US! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, what are you talking about? You love having friends! T-Rex: Sure, absolutely! But I was under the impression it was OPTIONAL! I thought I was a CHOOSING to have friends, not that I was biologically hard-wired for 'em!! T-Rex: What other aspects of my personality are just BIOLOGICAL DIRECTIVES? Am I nothing more than a mass of genetic imperatives?? Utahraptor: Yep! Utahraptor: You're a mass of bones and meat with needs and desires, of course that's affected who you are! If I wasn't bones and meat with needs and desires myself, I'd be SHOCKED the system even works! T-Rex: I need and desire you to stop describing my body that way. Off panel: If you tried to turn a ham sandwich into a sentient intelligence you'd expect there to be SOME side effects, so why are you surprised to see 'em when we're running on FAT and BLOOD and WEIRD JUICES?? T-Rex (punchline): Okay nope that made it worse; let's go back to "bones and meat" please!

meat salad

Narrator: THINGS I'VE READ ON THE INTERNET COMICS Narrator: also featuring: mild anti-vegetarian sentiment T-Rex: I once read how to make bombs! Dromiceiomimus: I once read how to hypnotize anyone! Utahraptor: I once read how to make a really good salad! T-Rex: That's it? The whole Internet and you look up salads? Utahraptor: You don't understand! It's a really good salad! T-Rex: Is it meat salad? T-Rex (punchline): Because if not then I doubt it would be a very good salad!

if you want to program a firefox extension for this it may take up the beth part of your day OKAY I'M DONE.

T-Rex: I really wish I still knew someone named Beth. T-Rex: I would make SO MANY jokes about her name! T-Rex: I like the name Beth, but I ALSO like how I could say things like the classic "She's the Beth of both worlds" and the sassy "the Beth I could have hoped for". Hee hee! T-Rex: I'd use the "Beth of both worlds" one in a circumstance in which I would otherwise describe Beth as the BEST of both worlds, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: Well, I guess the fact that you DON'T still know any Beths is actually our... BETH case scenario? T-Rex: No! T-Rex: You did not just steal my pun, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: I sure did! It's really easy to steal because you just use "Beth" where you'd otherwise use "best". T-Rex: BUT YOU DID IT WRONG. HOW CAN NOT KNOWING ANYONE NAMED BETH BE A BETH CASE SCENARIO. HOW. Narrator: LATER: T-REX RELEASES "PERSONAL BETH" SOFTWARE THAT AUTOMATICALLY ADDS BEST/BETH PUNS TO WEBSITES: T-Rex: This severely undermines what I said to Utahraptor, but I find I cannot resist! T-Rex (punchline): Time Magazine's Beth Photos of 2006? Hilarious!

my favourite thing of all time is when someone looks in a rulebook and says there's nothing there about [ANY ANIMAL] being banned from playing the game! this lookup happens extremely rarely in movies not made for children though

Narrator: HOW TO WIN AT CHESS T-Rex: First, you start a game of chess with Dromiceiomimus where she plays white! T-Rex: Then you start a game of chess with Utahraptor where he plays black! T-Rex: THEN whatever Dromiceiomimus does in her game you do in Utahraptor's, and whatever Utahraptor does in response you do to Dromiceiomimus! In effect, Dromiceiomimus and Utahraptor are playing each other, BUT WITH ONE IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE: you're going to win at least one of these games! Congratulations: YOU ARE NOW WINNING AT CHESS. "Check and mate," you can say! T-Rex: You should probably say that, actually. Utahraptor: You're only ever going to win half of these games! T-Rex: Sure! But I'm GUARANTEED that 50% win! T-Rex: And that guarantee holds no matter what strength of players I go up against. I can play two grandmasters and still win half the time! Can YOU truly say the same thing? Utahraptor: No, but I can truly say that I DON'T CHEAT AT CHESS. T-Rex: Dude, there's no rule that says you can't play two games at once! Off panel: Please, there's also no rule that explicitly says a horse can't play chess, but that doesn't mean - T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR I HAVE TO GO T-Rex: TO THE STABLES T-Rex (punchline): FOR... FOR WHAT I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS "AWESOME REASONS"