Datasets:

paul-stansifer

/

qwantz-strips

like 0

this comic has made me realize something. attention all my friends in real life: i am interested in finding out more about your bellies

T-Rex: Alright dudes! Today is TELL EVERYONE ABOUT ME (T-REX) day. It's the day where I get tons of new friends! I will finally be T-Rex: POPULAR T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, what are you doing here?! You should be out talking me up! Dromiceiomimus: Huh. I guess I'm just really bad at TELL EVERYONE ABOUT ME (T-REX) day. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I believe in you! I know if you applied yourself you'd get better at this, okay?? Utahraptor: T-Rex, I - T-Rex: Utahraptor, you too?? T-Rex: Did NOBODY read my email in full last night? You should be out talking me up to others, getting me some new friends! Utahraptor: To be honest, I find this whole idea kinda insulting. T-Rex: Utahraptor if you ever wanted me to talk you up, I'D do it! Check it: T-Rex: "Hey, Utahraptor's um, great! He's tall I guess and his skin is orange and also brown I think. On his belly or whatever?" Off panel: That's really the best you can do? T-Rex: You didn't let me finish! T-Rex (punchline): "If we were friends, MAYBE I could find out more about his belly?"

utahraptor's pretty sure that for life to exist, chemical reactions have to be deterministic, because otherwise we could all explode when we ate a sandwich or something, kapow!

T-Rex: Science is based upon hypotheses, conclusions and theories formed via repeated observations and experiments! Narrator: THE PHILOSOPHICAL BASIS OF SCIENCE T-Rex: This allows us to fashion an empirical and verifiable understanding of the world around us. Theories are said to be correct if they match up with the observed properties of the universe! However, science makes the tacit assumption that the universe is predictable and orderly and regular, which MAY NOT BE THE CASE. T-Rex: I ask the question: what if some of the theories and laws of science were merely statistical? Utahraptor: Explain! T-Rex: Well, we say the speed of light is about 300,000 km/s, because it's been that every time we've measured it. But what if there's a small chance that sometimes, the speed of light can just - change? Utahraptor: You're questioning the basis of science by postulating a non-deterministic universe. T-Rex: Yeah man! In such a universe, science totally fails! Off panel: So does life, probably! It wouldn't matter because we'd all be dead! T-Rex: Dead WRONG! T-Rex (punchline): About science?

it was a pretty good chapter

T-Rex: Does "Betty put butter on the bread" mean the same thing as "Betty buttered the bread"? T-Rex: I would argue: no! T-Rex: In the second example, there is an implication that the bread is wholly buttered, while in the first, this is not necessarily the case! And this applies not just to butter: there are many other examples. For instance, “Gary wrote for many TV shows” leaves open the possibility of a co-author on the scripts, a possibility that “Gary wrote many TV shows” does not! Utahraptor: Wow! These small changes in semantics (the meaning of a word or phrase) are quite interesting! T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: But hard, too. T-Rex (punchline): Agreed. Narrator: Thanks to chapter three of Steven Pinker’s 1989 book "Learnability and Cognition", upon which most of this comic was based.

just a reminder that in the Dinosaur Comics universe all the characters are dinosaurs! anyway good luck enjoying GTA ever again now that I have given you this brief glimpse into a world where you are a dinosaur stealing cars from other dinosaurs and then get chased by army dinosaurs in tanks and helicopters. GOOD FRIGGIN' LUCK.

T-Rex: In Grand Theft Auto, you can walk up to any car, open the door, and steal it! This is because nobody ever locks their car doors in Grand Theft Auto. The only question is... T-Rex: why? God: SAYS HERE IT'S BECAUSE OF GAMEPLAY CONCERNS T-Rex: You are fired! T-Rex: We need an IN-UNIVERSE EXPLANATION - and I have performed this feat! Consider the universe of GTA: much like ours, except for a single individual who is FUNCTIONALLY IMMORTAL. Police arrest him, he walks free. If he's shot / exploded / whatever, hospitals will restore him to perfect health no matter how bad the damage is: even if he jumps from an exploding helicopter and lands on another exploding helicopter! Utahraptor: But that's impossible! We don't have that expertise! T-Rex: I KNOW! T-Rex: The hospitals aren't repairing him, friend: HE'S NOT GETTING HURT. He is a fallen god who has forgotten his true nature and whose exposure to mortals has made him chaotic, unpredictable. Everyone goes along and pretends he's a mortal too, hoping it will save them. T-Rex: It will not. T-Rex: And yes, the doors are locked - but not to a god! Instead of Deus Ex Machina, Rockstar has given the world its first and finest example of Deus Machinam Vi Patefaciens, MULIERCULAE. Off panel: Um... "God Tearing Open The Machine"? T-Rex (punchline): God Tearing Open The Machine, LADIES.

LOL where did it all go wrong

T-Rex: You know what I miss? T-Rex: I miss the days when you could do a favour for an animal, and it would repay you with a story! God: I THINK YOU MEAN YOU MISS THE FICTIONAL STORIES WHERE THAT HAPPENS T-Rex: Whatever! I love the idea of a world where good stories have such value, such POWER, that they could be offered as payment. Imagine living where good stories are currency, and so welcome that stories are listened to right away! T-Rex: I'd be all, "Thanks for the Coke! Here's the tale of how the frog lost his voice." Utahraptor: Wouldn't good storytellers want to help out their friends with a few stories? T-Rex: Sure! Utahraptor: And maybe some of these friends would write down the stories. And then set up stores to sell them. "Book" "stores", if you will! T-Rex: YOU ALREADY LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE STORIES HAVE VALUE. You've paid for them! T-Rex: *gasp* Off panel: And if you barter with a book, you're trading a story for something - literally! T-Rex: OMG I'm totally going to go do that!! T-Rex: Also sorry for saying "OMG" in real life T-Rex (punchline): OMG I'm reevaluating some life choices right now

t-rex is putting "tweet" in finger quotes but you can only really see it in panel two

Narrator: YOU FAVOURITED MY TWEET AND I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT THAT MEANS a web card T-Rex: Hello, and thanks for favouriting my tweet. So hey! T-Rex: Why the hell did you favourite my tweet?? T-Rex: It said "Going home for dinner!!!". Is it because you... like dinner? Is it because you thought you might want to peruse your favourites by the fireplace in your old age, come across this ancient post and say "Ah yes, this brings me back to that ENTIRELY FORGETTABLE TIME"? T-Rex: I posted on Twitter when my uncle died and you didn't favourite that. What's your game here, champ? Utahraptor: Maybe they only favourite unremarkable things! T-Rex: See, that's what I thought! T-Rex: But then I did a search and I've posted variants of my dinner tweet OVER 15 TIMES and I've posted that exact tweet 3 times, and they've never favourited it before. I dunno. T-Rex: I may just give up on social networking forever. Narrator: YOU MADE ME GIVE UP ON SOCIAL NETWORKING FOREVER a web card T-Rex: Oh my gosh! T-Rex (punchline): THANK YOU

he had thought that chicks would dig a guy who could point out flaws in their reasoning

T-Rex: Well, that's another house gone. I seem to be going through houses like other people go through - T-Rex: um T-Rex: - some manner of disposable goods! Dromiceiomimus: Do you think this might be the result of all the bad house-related karma you've earned by stomping on other people's houses every day? T-Rex: I don't believe in karma! T-Rex: So: "Probably not!" Utahraptor: You have to admit you've got through a lot of houses lately! T-Rex: So? T-Rex: That doesn't imply that there's some cosmic judge keeping score of my actions. You're making a logical fallacy, namely "after which, therefore because of". Utahraptor: That's not a logical fallacy. T-Rex: Yes it is. Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex (punchline): I tell you man, I was all over the logic books in high school!

sometimes i imagine he and mom fight about me at night

T-Rex: Today I am excited! Today I did not forget my dentist appointment! T-Rex: Today I will be the one to impress my dentist with my personal oral hygiene! T-Rex: I spent an hour this morning making sure that my teeth were sparkly clean. I practiced in the mirror saying "Of course I floss after every meal", "Of course, Doctor! I floss after every meal", and "Floss after every meal? Of course!" T-Rex: I practiced until I got it RIGHT. Utahraptor: Well, do you floss after every meal? T-Rex: Not hardly! T-Rex: But every time I go he asks, and every time I feel like I let him down - personally, you know? Like he has twenty kids and I'm the only one who doesn't floss and he doesn't know why. Utahraptor: That's very sad. T-Rex (punchline): It gets sadder! Sometimes I imagine he's bought books on how to get your kid to floss, and he's tried everything the books say but still, I don't floss - and he's started to wonder if there is something wrong with HIM. Has he failed me as a dentist? As a FATHER? Where did it all go wrong?

you strap yourself in and you've got like lasers and machine guns for hands and when you walk it goes CHOOM CHOOM

T-Rex: Alright, so I'd like to build a time machine for the Utahraptor so he'll feel better, but building one is clearly way too hard! T-Rex: Clearly way WAY too hard! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, what if time travel is not just hard, but impossible? If time travel is possible, where are all the tourists from the future? T-Rex: B-busy? T-Rex: Maybe they're wearing their invisibility suits! T-Rex: Or MAYBE all my friends are tourists from the future, sent to observe me! Utahraptor: Good morning, T-Rex! T-Rex: Good morning! Say, if you were sent from the future to observe me, you'd let me know, right? Utahraptor: I wouldn't be allowed to. But, I would get drunk once, and start asking you why it's taking you guys so long to come up with flying cars and robot suits. T-Rex: Robot suits? Off panel: Yeah, they're like these giant robot suits that you can strap yourself into and - T-Rex (punchline): You're crazy!

we was having serious problems thinking our actions through to their logical conclusions

T-Rex: Utahraptor's started his own charity dedicated towards reanimating his body when he dies. T-Rex: What a copycat! T-Rex: It's MY idea, even if I did do it just by accident. Now it's like a bizarre arms race, seeing who can reanimate their dead body first. It's dumb. And yet, I'm totally going to win! Utahraptor: This isn't a race, T-Rex! T-Rex: It is, and you started it! Utahraptor: Fine then - I'm ending it! I just thought it would be cool to have people working on reanimating our bodies when we die, but if it's such a big deal for you, forget it. T-Rex: Awww! Really? You'd give up being a reanimated corpse for our friendship? T-Rex: Because that's what my charity was looking into: reanimating long-dead corpses! We was gonna make zombies. T-Rex (punchline): We - we was being straight out socially irresponsible.

If we don't celebrate these holidays, who will?

T-Rex: I am a man who, when he is at an all-you-can-eat restaurant, will restrict what he eats based on his peers. I don't know when to stop, so I rely on the verbal and non-verbal cues of my dining mates to tell me when I'm full! T-Rex: I call this condition "Appetite Asperger's"! T-Rex: It is a hilarious AND excellent name because people with Appetite Asperger's analyze the behaviour of others while eating and come up with a ruleset for saying when they're full. Just like someone with real Asperger's! Only, instead of applying this to social interaction, I apply it exclusively to knowing when to say "Wow, dudes, I'm full! How about you guys, huh? Pretty full? Oh my gosh, me too!!" Utahraptor: I would've thought you'd call it "T-Rex's Condition" or something! T-Rex: NORMALLY, I would have! T-Rex: But I made a list and I've already got like four or five T-Rex's Conditions. Plus, Appetite Asperger's has assonance going for it! Utahraptor: I suppose. I'm still not comfortable with the name! T-Rex: And I'M still not comfortable with the full range of my sexuality, but we all have to make do!! T-Rex: That's right, everyone! T-Rex (punchline): TODAY IS THE DAY I SHARE MORE ABOUT MYSELF THAN MAYBE I WANTED TO

i think utahraptor's tired of not getting any of the sweet neologism action

Narrator: THERE IS TOTALLY A PARTY AT THIS HOUSE DOWN THE ROAD TONIGHT T-Rex: Hooray!! T-Rex: Oh man, do I ever love parties! And parties held at this particular house are always the BEST EVER. Dromiceiomimus: They're "house parties" where anyone can show up! T-Rex: I know! It makes me feel like a member of a community, plus, I can meet new and attractive lady dinosaurs! Utahraptor: So are we going? T-Rex: Man, we're going! T-Rex: My friend, tonight not only do we get to party, but we get to party while eating free delicious snacks! Utahraptor: Well take me off the shelf and put me in a plastic bag, because I'm sold! T-Rex: Okay! T-Rex (punchline): Wait, what?

problem? or.... feature??

T-Rex: Who here wants to watch me eat a sandwich? T-Rex: Wow nobody?? T-Rex: Okay, who here wants to watch me prepare a sandwich, and then have that sandwich shared with them? Dromiceiomimus: I'm in! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! You're only doing this because you want a sandwich!! Dromiceiomimus: Yes. I, um - Dromiceiomimus: I thought that was clear? T-Rex: You need to do things not just because you might get a sandwich! Utahraptor: We all already do that! Utahraptor: For example, I'm talking to you right now, but I'm not expecting you to whip out a sandwich for me at the end of this conversation. T-Rex: What if I did? Utahraptor: That'd be awful nice of you. T-Rex: WELL GET READY BECAUSE TODAY'S YOUR LUCKY DAY!! T-Rex: ...oh wait nevermind! I ate it on the way over without even noticing that I was consuming food! CLASSIC "ME", AM I RIGHT?? T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): Yep, I got a problem

before you email me about pride and prejudice and zombies, know that i've already framed THAT story as one told by someone who is simply watching the events of the original pride and prejudice, and unbeknownst to him, some wag has drawn a tiny zombie on his spectacles.

T-Rex: What day is it? It's December now, isn't it? T-Rex: It's DEFINITELY time for me to fix the great works of fiction! T-Rex: The great out-of-copyright works of fiction, anyway. My brilliant idea is to completely recontextualize them through the magic of framing stories! So for example, instead of Moby Dick being about this guy after a whale, it's this CRAZY SCIENTIST writing whaler fan fiction, and at the end, the scientist stops and says "Sheesh, I didn't mean to write so much whaler fan fiction." Utahraptor: And Moby Dick takes place in the middle? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: And Pride and Prejudice is still this fancy romance story, but now it's framed by this dude being asked to describe the ultimate video game, and at the end the dude says "Anyway after that it becomes a turned-based strategy game with a focus on resource management". Utahraptor: ...Huh. T-Rex: Hamlet ends as it normally does, but then the framing play starts up again and it's Hamlet's dad looking into a crystal ball, and he says "Forsooth, now let's see what would happen if I won the lottery!!" T-Rex (punchline): It's SO GOOD, Utahraptor!

hoverboard cavemen in spacesuit hats, pulling sweet jumps, chugging mountain dew, whipping antikythera mechanisms straight into the ocean, all in a thought bubble above t-rex's head

T-Rex: Who here thinks technology that existed in the past but has now been forgotten is totally awesome? T-Rex: Everyone? Why, THAT'S JUST WHAT I EXPECTED! T-Rex: Greek fire was a flammable liquid that burnt on water and that could only be extinguished by burying it in sand! The Byzantines used it to gain an advantage in all sorts of wars, and they kept it such a secret that eventually they forgot how to make it too. Awesome! Damascus steel was SO STRONG that people claimed its swords could cut through other swords - but the technique used to make it is lost, and the raw materials used are long gone. OH WELL!! T-Rex: And that's just the stuff we know about! Utahraptor: It's true! T-Rex: There's probably tons of other stuff that we've not only forgotten, but that we've also forgotten we've forgotten! Maybe in the past it was all hoverboards and space helmets and cavemen saying "Hey, let's NOT write this down okay??" Utahraptor: You've got a lot of theories about the past, eh? T-Rex: Yep! They can be mostly be summarized as "hoverboard cavemen in spacesuit hats" though. I've, um - T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): I've very few historian friends

THE MMORPGS ARE PLAYED ON MY FRIEND'S COMPUTER AND THEY ARE QUITE EXCELLENT

Devil: GREETINGS TO YOU T-REX T-Rex: The Devil!! T-Rex: What's the matter: run out of video games? Devil: NO, THE VIDEOED GAMES ARE QUITE PLENTIFUL INDEED Devil: I HAVE BEEN PLAYING SEVERAL MMORPGS OF LATE T-Rex: Huh? Devil: THEY ARE GAMES PLAYED ONLINE WITH A LARGE NUMBER OF STRANGERS Devil: THE EXPERIENCE IS UNPARALLELED T-Rex: Man, I don't want to hear about it! Utahraptor: Talking to the Devil again? T-Rex: He's the one talking to ME! I didn't ask for this! Utahraptor: Well, have you tried getting rid of him? Hey T-Rex, isn't it great how the Devil is PRETTY LAME? Devil: I WOULD DISAGREE WITH THAT PARTICULAR ASSESSMENT Devil: T-REX YOUR COMPANION IS CLEARLY UNFAMILIAR WITH MY PROWESS IN THE REALM OF MMORPGS T-Rex (punchline): Must be nice!! Devil: THE CHRONICLES OF MY DARK ELF CHARACTER ARE ASSUREDLY THE STUFF OF LEGEND

anyway from now on all ™ means is that whoever wrote it is, at time of writing, SINGLE and LOOKING and OPEN TO FUN NEW EXPERIENCES

T-Rex: People are always crying that we need more punctuation marks to show things like sarcasm, sincerity, and so on. "Boo hoo hoo," they say, "the tears, they don't stop, abloo hoo hoo." T-Rex: But we already have new punctuation, and only corporations use it! T-Rex: I refer of course to the trademark symbol. Right now all it means is "I paid the government some money to make sure you can't say this sentence in the same places I get to say this sentence", but we can change that. We could use it to mean anything!™ Dromiceiomimus: Anything?™ T-Rex: Anything at all, baby!™ Utahraptor: It kinda just seems like you're saying corporate slogans back and forth. T-Rex: Life's funny that way!™ Utahraptor: No, when you say short pithy things it's even worse. T-Rex: Oh well!™ Language: it's weird!™ Utahraptor: T-Rex, listen: I don't want to live in your new utopia. T-Rex: Hah hah hah!™ T-Rex (punchline): It's mandatory!!™

what can i say? one of my interests is the sexy bods

T-Rex: One day, T-Rex the handsome dinosaur was out for a walk. T-Rex: Holy crap he was so handsome! And smart too, actually!! T-Rex: He met his friend Dromiceiomimus who was also pretty nice. They were going to go on a trip... Dromiceiomimus: Hi, T-Rex. T-Rex: ... a trip to OUTER SPACE! Dromiceiomimus: Oh, is that what's happening? I gotta, um, go home. Dromiceiomimus: I gotta... skate? T-Rex: Then Utahraptor showed up and T-Rex said "hi"! Utahraptor: Oh man. NO WAY. Utahraptor: No way am I listening to you write fan fiction ABOUT YOURSELF, dude. This is like the ultimate level of onanism! You're supposed to do that stuff ALONE. T-Rex: Suddenly Utahraptor decided to stop being mean!! Utahraptor: Dude, the whole idea of autobio fanfic is awful! T-Rex (punchline): Just then T-Rex changed his name to "Luke Starwars" and then everyone wanted to buy his book now that it's called "Luke Starwars, Vampire Guy! In This Story He Sees Some Sexy Bods"! Off panel: Okay, that IS better, but still. Off panel: That's like, a two-day loaner from the library, TOPS

that's because some mornings i have to wake up surrounded by envelopes, each bearing tell-tale signs of pushing

T-Rex: Who is the best at eatin' cupcakes? The probable answer is T-Rex, because my goodness I ate seven cupcakes yesterday all in a row! T-Rex: And guys I wasn't even trying that hard! Dromiceiomimus: Wow! If that's the case, you're better at it than me! I start to feel sick after about five. T-Rex: Ah, Dromiceiomimus, that's actually "better at it than I". An easy way to remember the difference is to include the "to be" verb you're dropping: "better at it than I am" sounds right, while "better at it than me am" does not! Easy! Utahraptor: Geez, that was kind of rude, T-Rex! T-Rex: It wasn't meant to be! Utahraptor: Yeah, but it was. Correcting people's grammar in conversation is difficult to do without sounding like a jerk! T-Rex: It's true! Plus, you've got to be eternally vigilant with your own grammar, lest you mess up yourself. T-Rex: And yet, I do it freely!! That's because I live on the edge, Utahraptor. T-Rex (punchline): That's because, some days, I take an envelope out of the box and I PUSH IT.

t-rex is pretty fly for a green guy

T-Rex: Submit it to me, youngster! Indeed, indeed! Submit it to me, youngster! Indeed, indeed! Submit it to me, youngster! Indeed, indeed! T-Rex: And all the ladies proclaim that I'm quite adequate for a man of my racial denomination! T-Rex: You are aware of the difficulty entailed in simply managing one's life today! T-Rex: The one whom we're considering is not popular, but he attempts to give off that air nonetheless. Utahraptor: He may be unaware of certain pertinent pieces of information, and he may not be urbane... T-Rex and Utahraptor: But that which he does not possess, well, be assured that he substitutes for it in his own mind! T-Rex (punchline): Attention! Attention! Engage that neoteric device!

really, it's unfair that utahraptor's plan didn't work, because more wishes is a very reasonable thing to ask for. a lot of problems could be solved with more wishes.

Narrator: EVERYONE GETS ONE WISH IN THIS COMIC! T-Rex: I wish for justified happiness! Narrator: GRANTED! T-Rex: Woooohoooo! Dromiceiomimus: I wish for worldwide peace and love with no negative consequences! Narrator: GRANTED! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Hooray! Utahraptor: I wish for more wishes! T-Rex: ... T-Rex: Oh man, ouch! Shot down! Looks like no wishes for you! Utahraptor: This sucks! T-Rex: Should've wished for ice cream, my friend! Narrator: THE WISHES WEAR OFF IN THREE SECONDS! T-Rex (punchline): MY EUPHORIA!!

if you really like someone, your friends might tell you that you should take a shot at them. you know, like hunters take a shot at the animals they want to kill and then consume with their families

T-Rex: Attention, everyone! Who wants to hear my opinions? God: BOOOORING T-Rex: They're opinions about sex!! God: YO I'M IN T-Rex: Well, actually, they're opinions about the WORDS we use for sex! God: AW MAN T-Rex: So people of all genders and orientations can say "I'd hit that" to mean "I would have sex with that", and it's SO WEIRD that we all equate sex to violence, that a pleasant sexy experience gets boiled down to "synonym for punch". And it's not just hit! You can get demolished in bed too! T-Rex: I UNDERSTAND IT'S PRETTY FUN, ACTUALLY. Utahraptor: Bad news, dude: we use violence to describe ALL SORTS OF THINGS!! T-Rex: Oh no! Utahraptor: If you do well in a presentation you were KILLING up there. T-Rex: *gasp* Utahraptor: "Punch it" means go fast! T-Rex: *gasp* Utahraptor: And even if we just sit around doing nothing, I can still say that we're KICKING IT. T-Rex: *gaaaaaaaaaaaaasp* T-Rex: Utahraptor I'm actually having trouble breathing here! I need 20 ccs of hospitals please!! T-Rex: *gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasp* T-Rex (punchline): STAT

your whole family is made out of (bones and) meat

T-Rex: Turns out, we're members of a social species! We need to see other people and if we don't we get sad and weird!! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE US! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, what are you talking about? You love having friends! T-Rex: Sure, absolutely! But I was under the impression it was OPTIONAL! I thought I was a CHOOSING to have friends, not that I was biologically hard-wired for 'em!! T-Rex: What other aspects of my personality are just BIOLOGICAL DIRECTIVES? Am I nothing more than a mass of genetic imperatives?? Utahraptor: Yep! Utahraptor: You're a mass of bones and meat with needs and desires, of course that's affected who you are! If I wasn't bones and meat with needs and desires myself, I'd be SHOCKED the system even works! T-Rex: I need and desire you to stop describing my body that way. Off panel: If you tried to turn a ham sandwich into a sentient intelligence you'd expect there to be SOME side effects, so why are you surprised to see 'em when we're running on FAT and BLOOD and WEIRD JUICES?? T-Rex (punchline): Okay nope that made it worse; let's go back to "bones and meat" please!

oh also, i have it on good authority that somebody gobbled all those cookies you made for the queen

T-Rex: You guys! T-Rex: Let's assume the universe is deterministic!! T-Rex: And if that's true we're no more responsible for our actions than a computer is for executing code. We have no choice in what happens to us, and if you set up the universe in the exact same way we'd make the same choices and the exact same things would happen. Free will is therefore an illusion! Like a computer, WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR ACTIONS. Utahraptor: Geez. Let's assume the universe is indeterministic then! T-Rex: Even better! T-Rex: Then things can happen randomly with no event responsible for causing them. And anything random (which includes every decision we make, unless you want them to be deterministic!) you can't be held responsible for, so therefore AGAIN we're not responsible for anything we do. Utahraptor: Huh. T-Rex: Anyway, LONG STORY SHORT: T-Rex (punchline): I have it on good authority that somebody tooted just now but SADLY, we have no-one to blame

kay now i'm gonna lie down for a bit, listen, it's been a busy day

T-Rex: You wake up as a spooky mummy! Whoah. Looks like you got mummified, but now you're alive again, as tends to go in these cases Narrator: THE SPOOKY MUMMY (YOU) Narrator: a choose-your-own-adventure adventure T-Rex: If you want to walk around with your arms outstretched, stop reading and go do that. If that is honestly a priority for you right now then I'm not going to stop you. But if you want to explore how you're alive, given the fact you a) already died once and b) your flesh has become desiccated, let's get down to it. Let's do this. Let's unwrap one of your fingers. Dromiceiomimus: Turn to panel 4 to unwrap a finger! Utahraptor: The flesh underneath is stretched and brittle and dry! T-Rex: This is crazy! Utahraptor: You flex it, experimentally, and somehow it holds together. How is this possible? Your internal organs are either removed or dried out into uselessness, and that includes your brain. None of this makes sense. T-Rex: Who cares?! You've got a second chance at life! Turn to panel 6 to live life to its fullest!! T-Rex: In living life to its fullest, you have somehow turned into me: T-Rex! NICELY DONE. I'm still in control of what I do though, so SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE SHOW!! T-Rex: ...'Kay T-Rex (punchline): Now I'm gonna go browse the internet for a bit

that's one impressive epitaph

T-Rex: I just realized that if I transformed what people say to me into something I want to hear, I will only hear things that appeal to me! T-Rex: Genius! T-Rex: I should have thought of this years ago! Narrator: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT IS TRANSMITTED AND WHAT IS RECEIVED an allegorical comic and comic allegory T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: Hello, T-Rex. T-Rex: Why yes, I am super-sexy today! Utahraptor: T-Rex, stop it! You can't just go around putting words in people's mouths! T-Rex: Says you! Utahraptor: Where there is lexical or syntactic ambiguity, you could argue that you are free to choose a preferred meaning - granted - but you cannot arbitrarily transform someone’s words into what you want! That process undermines the very foundation of language, as words are robbed of any fixed meaning, rendering communication arbitrary and pointless! T-Rex: That will be my epitaph, then! T-Rex: "Here lies T-Rex, who undermined the very foundation of language"! T-Rex (punchline): Awesome!

LATER: they all go a'swimmin, and t-rex explains about html

Off panel: Hey T-Rex, do you want to go swimming this evening with me and some friends? T-Rex's mind: Do I want to go swimming? Radio button: Yes Radio button: No T-Rex's mind: Do I want to go swimming? Radio button: Yes Radio button: No Radio button: Maybe, but who's going? I don't want to go swimming if that guy from high school who made fun of me at the beach is there. Radio button: Hah hah, but what if he's really dumb looking now? Hah hah hah! Radio button: [selected] "GREETINGS! Your face is now STUPID!!" Radio button: Hah hah hah! Radio button: Sweet. T-Rex's mind: Wait, my list doesn't make sense. The responses don't follow from the question! Radio button: [selected] It's cool Utahraptor: T-Rex? Utahraptor: What the heck, T-Rex? I invite you out a'swimmin, and you get a far-away look in your eyes and walk away? T-Rex's mind: Aw darn, I totally did that. What should I do? Radio button: [selected] Apologize Radio button: [selected] Make a mental list Radio button: [selected] Add small tasks so that accomplishment is EASY Radio button: [selected] Radio buttons don't actually work like this

i spent the entire comic building up ted, the text-to-speech voice guy, and then abandoned him in the last panel for mr. tusks! listen, ted: i have no regrets

T-Rex: Ted's so great. I just want to hang out with him all day long! Narrator: T-REX HAS MET A MAN WHOSE VOICE SOUNDS JUST LIKE A TEXT-TO-SPEECH SYNTHESIZER! Narrator: NEAT T-Rex: It's like hanging out with a computer friend, only he has emotions! Well, I guess it's MORE like hanging out with a regular friend, only when he says "Pass me a bowl of fruit" it comes out as a monotonic "Pass me a boal of fru-it". What's not to like? Dromiceiomimus: He has a vocoder? T-Rex: What he has, Dromiceiomimus, is a gift! The gift is labelled "best accent ever". Utahraptor: Whoah, hold the front page! T-Rex is fetishizing the other! T-Rex: I'm NOT. Utahraptor: You totally are! You never have a middle ground: it's always "oh, it's not for me" or "oh WOW this thing I don't have is so AMAZING how can this be so AWESOME?" T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. His speaking voice sounds like a text-to-speech synthesizer. That is awesome! That is objectively awesome. Off panel: I dunno - I still think you fetishize the other, T-Rex! What do you think, Mr. Tusks? Off panel: [small] I think he does it a TINY bit, Utahraptor! T-Rex: Mr. Tusks!! T-Rex (punchline): This smile is because I'm always happy to see you, not for your conversational betrayal!

oh man, last night is so non-canon

T-Rex: I have received a stern letter from the "government"! They are angry because I didn't pay my "taxes" last year! Well, guess what, government? T-Rex: Last year is now officially non-canon! Narrator: T-REX IN: SOLVING PROBLEMS BY DECLARING PARTS OF YOUR LIFE TO BE NON-CANON T-Rex: I got the idea from TV! From now on, whenever something I don't like happens to me, I'll just declare it to be non-canon! Dromiceiomimus: Is this conversation canon? T-Rex: So far! Utahraptor: You can't apply ideas from FICTION to your own life! T-Rex: Sure I can! I just did! T-Rex: Remember that time I got beat up in Grade 2? Guess what? It's not canon anymore! And remember that time I lost a baby? Guess what? Utahraptor: It's not canon anymore? T-Rex: CORRECT! T-Rex: In summary, any event in which I was embarrassed is now non-canon! T-Rex: I've also retroconned my name to be "Mister Awesome", by the way! T-Rex (punchline): JEALOUS?

I WON'T TELL UTAHRAPTOR AND DROMICEIOMIMUS IF YOU WON'T, i mean. my question to you is: do we have a "deal"

T-Rex: So um, I just found out that you can make a really good pasta sauce out of like, a can of crushed tomatoes and some spices. Maybe some garlic too. T-Rex: I've been paying ACTUAL DOLLARS for canned pasta sauces for years! T-Rex: I've chumpatized myself! I'm like the guy eating at Burger King his whole life and you know he's actually never realized you can make burgers at home. You don't even have to be dressed for home burgers, me! And naked burgers are one of life's great pleasures! Dromiceiomimus: It's great you're cooking more, but you don't even need the canned tomatoes. You can start with fresh ones! T-Rex: WHAT T-Rex: Next thing you'll say is I don't have to get spices in little jars! Utahraptor: You don't! Utahraptor: You can get fresh ones. You can grow a lot of them on your windowsill, actually, for basically zero dollars. T-Rex: Hah! What's next - somehow growing my own TOMATOES?? Utahraptor: Yeah, you can do that too. Utahraptor: They need a lot of water. Narrator: THE NEXT DAY, AT THE MALL FOOD COURT: T-Rex: Attention, everybody else enjoying delicious fast food mealtime treats! I'm gonna go ahead and say what we're all thinking: T-Rex (punchline): I WON'T TELL IF YOU WON'T

problems they're both equally responsible for: MY HURT FEELINGS

Narrator: PROBLEMS THAT CAN ONLY BE BLAMED ON HETEROSEXUAL COUPLES: T-Rex: Global overpopulation! T-Rex: Also global underpopulation, and also global just right population. Basically anything to do with population: BALL'S IN THEIR COURT. Dromiceiomimus: Also anything to do with heredity: their fault. T-Rex: Yep! And anything to do with babies and ESPECIALLY the ones that barfed on me. Narrator: PROBLEMS THAT CAN ONLY BE BLAMED ON HOMOSEXUAL COUPLES: T-Rex (punchline): Um... Utahraptor: NOT ENOUGH GAY SEXING Narrator: THE END

the idea with the wallet thing is that if someone asks you the difference between ethics and morals you can just throw your wallet at them and say 'IT'S IN THERE'

Narrator: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ETHICS AND MORALS Narrator: hey adults! put me in your wallet! T-Rex: Ethics and morals are not the same thing! T-Rex: I know! It's CRAZY. But ethics are something that you learn and study and are applied in society, while morals are more natural and instinctive. That's why you can have a low moral fibre (they're more innate), but there's no ethical fibre. You can only have poor ethical training! Dromiceiomimus: Amazing! T-Rex: I know! Utahraptor: So wait - can an act then be considered immoral, but still ethical? T-Rex: Possibly? T-Rex: Honestly, this is pretty much all I know about the difference between ethics and morals, and I'm not even sure that's right. Utahraptor: We could find out more at our local library! T-Rex: To the library! It's this way. I'm pointing to it with my fingers. Narrator: MUCH LATER: T-Rex (punchline): maybe it's this way instead

when i was done this comic i sent it to andrew hussie of mspaintadventures.com and he suggested that, for the hover text, i include either a photograph of a horse or a photograph of him. as i am still photoshopping the two possibilities together into one megaimage, i invite you to use your imagination.

T-Rex: I have been investigating the ENGLISH LANGUAGE ITSELF, and it turns out it IS horses all the way down. Quick, God, give me a word! God: FRONTRUNNER T-Rex: A metaphor from horse racing! T-Rex: That was too easy! God: WHAT ABOUT THE WORD HACK T-Rex: Ah, an untalented person! It originally meant "someone doing ordinary work", which itself came from the 13th century "hackney", which was, YOU GUESSED IT, an ordinary horse. Dromiceiomimus: "Tacky"? T-Rex: It comes from the noun "tackey", which meant a sucky horse! And may I just say: it's SO GREAT that you guys are picking the horse words I know here. Utahraptor: What about "hobby"? T-Rex: Originally it meant "a small horse"! T-Rex: And it's from toy "hobby" horses that we got the modern sense of "something fun you do in your spare time". Utahraptor: T-Rex, you've learnt a lot of horse origins, but I feel the time has now come to completely and irrevocably blow your mind. If you'll allow me...? T-Rex: Please! Off panel: A British military officer's servant was called this, which originally meant "a man in charge of a horse and its load". T-Rex: "Dr. Horseload"? Off panel: The word, my friend, is "batman". THE WORD "BATMAN" ITSELF COMES FROM HORSES. T-Rex (punchline): [large light-blue animated sparkly letters] WHATTT

tell me more about this "chairfight of the board" because it sounds off the dang hook

T-Rex: Come on guys, I just want to pay the bill and leave! Why can't I find a waitress when I need one? God: T-REX YOU JUST USED A GENDERED PROFESSION NOUN T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: Daaang, I totally did! I try not to, but sometimes a gendered professional noun slips through. Am I truly... A MONSTER? Dromiceiomimus: Dude, you say "firefighter" instead of "fireman" or "firewoman". You're on the side of the angels. T-Rex: Yeah, but that's because "firefighter" is way more awesome! Words that have "fight" in them are awesome. Utahraptor: It's objectively true. So just apply it to other jobs, dude! T-Rex: Oh my gosh YES. Utahraptor: Garbagemen become garbagefighters. Waitresses become waitfighters which is what they do in ideal situations! If someone insists on calling you a "male nurse", gently correct them and say the preferred term is "fight nurse". T-Rex: Manholes become FIGHTHOLES, Utahraptor. WE HAVE TO DO THIS. T-Rex: I have said many things in my time, but what I say now I say with all sincerity and if you have even once considered listening to me, please, do so now: T-Rex (punchline): WE HAVE TO FIGHT IN HOLES.

maybe i should get some curtains installed in this temple of shame

T-Rex: Okay MAYBE there were some downsides to the Columbian explosion. The old world got tomatoes and potatoes, AND corn and peanuts, AND rubber, AND cocoa, and in exchange, gave the new world... lettuce? T-Rex: And also horses! T-Rex: And also the cholera and influenza and bubonic plague and typhoid fever, and um, smallpox. So basically the world got this explosion of new and tasty times, but also this exchange of disease, and just about every culture on Earth was affected. But what's neat is that we can look forward to the same thing if we ever encounter alien life! Utahraptor: Except it's unlikely that we'd be vulnerable to their diseases. T-Rex: Well... MAYBE. T-Rex: But we don't know anything about alien life! Maybe they'll look just like us AND share diseases with us, but with pointier ears. And logic? Utahraptor: Or maybe they'll look like us, but, you know, ten times sexier. Everyone on Earth will feel bad about their bodies for the rest of time! Narrator: MEANWHILE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE THIS HAS HAPPENED: T-Rex: maybe... T-Rex (punchline): maybe i should get me some clothes

other panel 2s included: "dang, we're all dead!", "shoot, we're all dead!", and "aw, RASPBERRIES! we're all dead!"

Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: FLASH FORWARD T-Rex: Flash forwards are a useful storytelling technique! They happen when you - Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Frig, we're all dead!! T-Rex: Get the hell out of here, Dromiceiomimus! The Contamination is right behind me! Dromiceiomimus: You let it loose?! T-Rex: I didn't let it loose - it let itself loose! It's self-aware, I'm sure of it, but all it seems to be aware of... Dromiceiomimus: ... is REVENGE. Utahraptor: T-Rex! Thank God I found you! Is there anything we can do? T-Rex: No. GOD DAMN IT, no! T-Rex: It takes over our minds, our bodies! How do you fight something like that? Utahraptor: You don't, T-Rex: you join it. You - embrace it. Don't call us "the Contamination". We just want to... elevate you. T-Rex: Leave me alone! Leave me alone, you monsters!! Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: - jump ahead to show where actions might lead. It's Foreshadowing taking off her negligee! Off panel: I wish you wouldn't sexualize literary techniques, T-Rex. T-Rex (punchline): And I wish you wouldn't interrupt my sexualizin', Utahraptor!!

i don't even know anymore

T-Rex: I just realized: I'm almost certainly the one person who knows me the best! This has many implications... T-Rex: For one, it means if I think I'm awesome, no-one can dispute it because I'm the authority! T-Rex: This is great! I intend to make all sorts of pronouncements about myself, pronouncements that people will be forced to accept, because who would know myself better than me? Nobody, that's who! T-Rex: Looks like my weekend just got filled up! Utahraptor: Unfortunately, your reasoning is flawed, T-Rex! T-Rex: I don't see how! Utahraptor: While you may well be the authority on all things T-Rex, this does not mean that people should accept your judgments without question! T-Rex: It doesn't? Utahraptor: Nope! Even authorities must justify themselves! T-Rex: I guess you're righ- Hey! T-Rex (punchline): Is there some political undertone to what you're saying?!

you may quite reasonably inquire as to how, exactly, one might set up a charitable organization by accident. the answer is, of course, 'by accident'

T-Rex: Sometimes when people win the lottery, they end up getting into a lot of trouble because they don't know how to handle that much money. T-Rex: Dear lottery officials: I would not have such troubles! T-Rex: I would invest the money wisely and live reasonably. My only extravagance would be a pair of diamond-studded house slippers, and upon my death, I would donate them, and my riches, to charity! Utahraptor: Which charity? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Which charity would you donate to? Is it perhaps a charity dedicated towards RESUSCITATING YOUR DESICCATED CORPSE? T-Rex: What? No, I wouldn't think of doing that. I'm not trying to set up a Walt Disney-esque scheme for tax sheltered reanimation here! Narrator: T-REX SOMEHOW SETS UP JUST SUCH A CHARITY BY ACCIDENT: T-Rex: These events only serve to further undermine my credibility! T-Rex: Man! T-Rex (punchline): Friggin' events!

alternate punchlines: 'oh well!', 'interesting!', 'i'm high right now!'

Narrator: HAPPINESS COMICS T-Rex: Many philosophical systems seem predicated on increasing happiness, either for yourself, or more globally! T-Rex: I wonder, is happiness such a valid goal? T-Rex: Furthermore, if I had a machine that I could press a button on, and it would make me happy - perfectly content, indistinguishable from the real emotion - would I do anything but press that button all day long? T-Rex: It's hard to say! Utahraptor: Aren't you describing an addiction to drugs? Something that makes you artifically happy? T-Rex: um T-Rex: Yeah, I guess you could see it that way. Utahraptor: I guess. T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Hmm!

i guess there is a lessen here for us all

T-Rex: Down with money! T-Rex: We don't need it! T-Rex: We can just return to our utopia of old, before money turned us all in to greedy, money-obsessed quasi-people! Right, Dromiceiomimus? Right! T-Rex: Money is an aberration that lessens us all! We don’t need it! Utahraptor: But without money, people would still trade! T-Rex: And...? Utahraptor: AND, currency is just an abstraction of trade: a unit of exchange! One unit of currency equals three goats, for example. Some form of money develops naturally from trade and is thus, I think, pretty much inevitable! T-Rex: I guess you could say your remarks are... RIGHT ON THE MONEY? T-Rex: Ho ho! Five stars! T-Rex (punchline): Also, I value our friendship.

why do people with controversial theories about emigration always feel the need to volunteer their controversial theories about emigration? riddle me THAT

T-Rex: If I could give up any sense, what would it be? It's not going to be hearing or talking, because I do those ALL THE TIME. God: ALSO "TALKING" ISN'T A SENSE T-Rex: Whatevs! T-Rex: And I don't want to give up touch, because then I'd be bumping my body into spikes and BARELY EVEN NOTICING. Taste wouldn't be too bad, but I'd miss tasting tasty things! I think it would have to be smell, assuming that that wouldn't impact taste. Dromiceiomimus: I'd give up taste, because smell is good to warn you of fires! T-Rex: Yeah but so's sight, and I can ALSO use sight to check out women, and dictionaries. Utahraptor: I'm surprised at you, T-Rex! T-Rex: Really? Why's that? Utahraptor: You're basically sticking to the canonical five senses! I would have bet the first sense you'd give up is your sense of EMPATHY, or your sense of what's appropriate to say in social situations. T-Rex: Hah! MAN. I would love to give up that sense! Can you imagine? T-Rex: It would probably go down like this. Ask me if I want to go get a pizza! Off panel: Okay. Do you want to go get a pizza, T-Rex? T-Rex: SURE! Also, I - T-Rex (punchline): - I have controversial theories about emigration?

utahraptor says he's tired of t-rex's conversational plagiarism; he must be tired of something

T-Rex: Man, it sure has been a long December! Maybe this year will be better than the last. T-Rex: The days sure do go by so fast! T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus, do you think that I could be forgiven? I wish you would! Dromiceiomimus: Aw no, not this again. Come on T-Rex, passing off lyrics as conversation ONLY AMUSES YOURSELF. T-Rex: I-is that light attaching to you? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Anyway, I guess it's just one more day up in the canyons for me! Utahraptor: Boo on you, T-Rex! T-Rex: What? Dude, it's been so long since I've seen the ocean. Utahraptor: Man, nobody wants to hear "A Long December" by Counting Crows passed off as conversation. Yes, that's right! I've heard the song before! I recognize your CONVERSATIONAL PLAGIARISM. T-Rex: It's a song?! T-Rex (punchline): Holy shit, what are the odds?

REAL ANSWER: wear a t-shirt that says "SO IS THIS A DATE OR WHAT" under a jacket, gradually unbutton the jacket during the meal, raise one eyebrow

Off panel: T-Rex, I'm having dinner with a coworker and I'm not sure if it's a date or not! T-Rex: Not a problem, dude on speakerphone! T-Rex: Solution: DESSERT. T-Rex: Check this out! "Dromiceiomimus, that was a lovely meal." Dromiceiomimus: "It was, wasn't it?" T-Rex: "Yeah, and look, one of the dessert options is a piece of DATE bar! Should we get one? Hmm? Do you agree it's appropriate that we get a... DATE bar??" Dromiceiomimus: NAILED IT. Utahraptor: "Maybe we should get... milkshakes?" T-Rex: "Maybe just one? With two straws?" T-Rex: "Or perhaps for dessert we could order spaghetti where it's just one giant strand and we each suck on an end? And then see what happens?" Utahraptor: "After that maybe we can get home via... swan paddle boat for two?" T-Rex: "Maybe we can playfully splash water at each other?" T-Rex: "And then suddenly stop, drenched, staring at each other, each wanting, neither daring to make the first move??" T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): MAN, I miss dates

this last panel would also make a good email signature line

T-Rex: What is the point of going to sleep? I'm just going to wake up again! T-Rex: Wait! I'm a genius! T-Rex: With my nights freed from the chore of sleep, I will become unstoppable! I'll have an extra eight hours to plan and scheme! T-Rex: I will stop sleeping right away! Tonight! T-Rex: Who knows what the future holds for me? Narrator: TWENTY YEARS LATER... Utahraptor: Want to come over for a slumber party? Utahraptor: Oh, sorry, I forgot how you never sleep. T-Rex: What the hell, man? T-Rex (punchline): It's been like twenty years!

IN RETROSPECT I SHOULD HAVE SAID "CONTINUE EATING CORN ONCE FOR YES AND CONTINUE EATING CORN TWICE FOR NO"

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX LET'S REMAKE SOME CLASSIC VIDEO GAMES T-Rex: With new graphics? Devil: WITH NEW GRAPHICS DELIVERING ASTOUNDING NEW VISTAS NEVER BEFORE SEEN Devil: ALSO WITH STEREOPHONIC SOUNDS T-Rex: At the very least!! Devil: AND LET US ENSURE THE CORE GAMEPLAY MECHANIC IS PRESENT AND UNMOLESTED T-Rex: Maybe we could tweak it a bit though: advance it for the times! Devil: WHAT EXCUSE ME T-REX BUT IF YOU WANT TO MESS WITH GAMEPLAY WHY BOTHER REMAKING A CLASSIC GAME Devil: DO NOT BOTHER ANSWERING THAT QUESTION FOR THERE EXISTS NO ANSWER THAT CAN GIVE ANY SATISFACTION T-Rex: Aw man, things were going so well with the Devil for once! Utahraptor: What happened? T-Rex: I suggested changing the gameplay mechanics while remaking an old game. Utahraptor: Why bother remaking a game if you're just going to change it? T-Rex: I know, I know, I shouldn't answer that question, there exists no answer that can give any satisfaction. Devil: T-REX I WOULD REQUEST AN INTRODUCTION TO YOUR FRIEND UTAHRAPTOR T-Rex (punchline): He's right there; just talk to him! Devil: I'VE TRIED Devil: EITHER HE DIDN'T HEAR ME OR HE BELIEVED THAT THE MOST ILLUMINATING ANSWER TO MY QUESTIONS WAS TO CONTINUE EATING CORN

HAHA I SHOUTED IT AFTER SOMEONE WHO WAS RUNNING

T-Rex: I think we can all agree that as popular culture shifts with time, there were some years that were great, and there were some years that were way terrible. T-Rex: For example! T-Rex: Everyone knows that the 1920s were awesome ultimate fun times (on account of flappers and swing music!), and everyone knows that the 1970s were a decade of bad decision after bad decision: a cacophony of just - really bad decisions. Dromiceiomimus: I think that some folks like the 70s. T-Rex: Hilarious! T-Rex: However, I have studied the past 2000 years and come up with the DEFINITIVE cultural low. Utahraptor: Really? 2000 years? T-Rex: Yes, Utahraptor: I have gone over 2000 years and found the global minimum: the exact day when North American, and indeed, world culture reached its, um, opposite of zenith. Utahraptor: Nadir. T-Rex: Yes. And it's the day AFTER the film "Forrest Gump" was released: July 7th, 1994. Utahraptor: But... why? Narrator: THURSDAY, JULY 7TH, 1994: 8:04 AM. T-REX IS RUNNING TO CATCH A BUS. Off panel: Run Forrest, run!! T-Rex: FRIG!! T-Rex (punchline): That's really obnoxious!

alternate endings: "Nothing, YOUR HONOUR", "Nothing, PROFESSOR", "Nothing, SECRET SERVICE AGENT HIDING IN MY ROOM AND TRYING TO SPY ON ME AND DOING A TERRIBLE JOB OF IT. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK."

T-Rex: Today is the day I spend entirely in bed! Is this laziness? No! T-Rex: I just want to see if I can do it! Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: Dromiceiomimus: Where were you yesterday, T-Rex? T-Rex: I spent the whole day in bed, Dromiceiomimus! I wanted to see if I could do it. Dromiceiomimus: Really? You didn't shower or anything? T-Rex: Nope! And to answer your next question: I HELD IT IN. I held it in, AND THEN, I fell asleep. Utahraptor: I was trying to call you all yesterday! T-Rex: Hey, I figured it was you! T-Rex: But I don't have a phone by the bed, so, you know - sorry? As I'm sure you overheard, I couldn't get out of bed because of SELF-EXPERIMENTATION. Utahraptor: Well, you missed out on this store giving away free ice cream because their freezer broke! Another store was giving away free chocolates, for reasons less evident. Narrator: T-REX FEELS REGRET. HE BEGINS A NEW EXPERIMENT: TO BE THE GUY WHO ALWAYS GETS FREE ICE CREAM WHENEVER THERE'S FREE ICE CREAM TO BE HAD. T-Rex: The experiment continues!! Off panel: Pardon me? T-Rex (punchline): Nothing, MOM

AT THE VERY LEAST IT'S A SPEECH ACT THAT ONLY A NON-TEEN WOULD EVER UTTER; WHAT HAS HAPPENED

T-Rex: What if you wrote a story about modern technology arriving BEFORE it did in our timeline? You'd have computers made out of brass and steam! That sounds like it might be... AWESOME? God: THAT GENRE IS CALLED STEAMPUNK T-REX T-Rex: Okay whatever! T-Rex: What if you wrote a story about modern technology arriving AFTER it did in our timeline? You'd have no computers at all, and people riding around on horses saying "Gosh I wish we invented computers! Goooossssh!" Dromiceiomimus: Arguably, that's what fantasy stories are, aren't they? T-Rex: FINE. T-Rex: What if you wrote a story about modern technology arriving at the usual time? Utahraptor: Historical non-fiction! T-Rex: Utahraptor, I'm an idea man. Please give me an idea so that I can write an amazing story about it, okay? Utahraptor: Easy! "Too many teens on the boat". T-Rex: That's not an idea! T-Rex: That is either a SONG TITLE or an ENTERTAINING CIRCUMSTANCE. Narrator: LATER: TOO MANY TEENS ARE ON A BOAT: T-Rex: Teens! We have reasonable capacity laws on seafaring vessels for a reason!! T-Rex: AW FRIG T-Rex (punchline): THAT IS A SENTENCE ONLY AN OLD MAN WOULD SAY

that's not really what you want to hear your band founder say but shoot, sign me up!

T-Rex: Okay, so who wants to join my bluegrass band? T-Rex: I have decided that I am starting a bluegrass band! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you know how to play any bluegrass instruments? Do you know how to play the banjo, or fiddle, or a mandola? Dromiceiomimus: I do not! T-Rex: Then I am sorry but you cannot be in my bluegrass band! Utahraptor: What is your bluegrass band called and what instrument do you play, T-Rex? T-Rex: The band is called "Burned Bluegrass" and I play the lyrics! Utahraptor: You mean you sing the lyrics. T-Rex: Yes. I will be honest with you: I am new to this "band" thing. T-Rex: However, I do know what I like! At present, I like the idea of starting a bluegrass band. T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

okay, NEW QUESTION: i can't be the only one who wants to buy a computer game that I can live inside where the rules are better, right?

T-Rex: Who is in charge of deciding whose face gets to be put on the money? T-Rex: I would like my face on the money, please! T-Rex: Folks could say "Oh, that? That costs a T-Rex." or "Here's your change: two T-Rexes. I love those coins. They're so handsome." T-Rex: "I kiss my money sometimes, not because I love money, but because I love T-Rex." the other person would reply. T-Rex: "I taped some money to my ceiling so T-Rex is the first thing I see each and every morning," admits the first. Utahraptor: So your face is on - every piece of currency? T-Rex: Sure! Why not?! T-Rex: Is it SO UNBELIEVABLE that an entire planet would decide to print my face not just on one bill, but on all bills, coins, and heck let's throw in cheques and credit cards too?? Utahraptor: Are you really asking that question? T-Rex: YES. YES I AM. Narrator: ONE TALK ABOUT THE LIMITATIONS OF REALITY LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Dudes I am so ready to trade up on reality it's not even funny

this comic is based on two days ago, last saturday, when i kicked joey comeau of asofterworld dot com's ass at chess so badly that he DIED. :0 ;0 :0

T-Rex: Let's say you're playing chess with someone, and suddenly they have a fatal heart attack. This is the best possible way to win, you guys! T-Rex: You have kicked their ass at chess SO HARD that they DIED. T-Rex: It doesn't even matter if you were losing when they kicked the bucket: you've still won with the best finishing move possible! And what's more, your victory is SO AWESOME that it completely overshadows everything your opponent ever accomplished during his life! People will say "Sure, that guy may have CURED CANCER, but he lost so badly at chess that he died." EVERY VERSION OF HIS OBITUARY WILL END WITH "CHECKMATE". Utahraptor: Every time we play chess, you're hoping that I'll die!! T-Rex: I'm not! T-Rex: Okay, I am. But it's a small hope! Utahraptor: Yeah, a small hope that I'll be dead and gone and remembered as "The Guy Who Was So Upset When He Lost His Queen That His Heart Stopped Beating"! T-Rex: Yes! Exactly! T-Rex: I'm not a terrible person, Utahraptor! If you died playing chess I'd be sad, obviously! But also happy, because I KICKED YOUR ASS STRAIGHT TO THE GRAVE! T-Rex (punchline): ...Let us pause here and remember how truth and honesty are the foundation of any social relationship?

hey, the 90s called! we need to go back. you left your old cell phone there and also your high school girlfriend

T-Rex: Hey, the 90s called! They didn't leave a message. T-Rex: They keep calling, you should probably call them back dude! Dromiceiomimus: Hey, the 90s called! T-Rex: Oh? Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, and all I could hear on the line was heavy breathing and giggling. Dromiceiomimus: Your friends are losers, tell them to stop bothering me! Utahraptor: Hey, the 90s called and left a callback number and I called it and now I've got the 90s on the line. T-Rex: WHAT T-Rex: What is happening T-Rex (punchline): Tell them I wanna talk to my grandpa

scientists if you figure that one out you unlock basically every other discovery for free, just sayin'

T-Rex: "Excuse me T-Rex, but which toothbrush do you think is yours?" Narrator: SENTENCES THAT ARE NEVER GOOD TO HEAR T-Rex: Another good one's "What time is it? Looks like it's MURDER O'CLOCK." Dromiceiomimus: What if they were about to murder a really terrible person though? T-Rex: Even if that's true, it's never good to hear that bad a line. Instead, they should say "I've gotta stop by the bank real quick to make a deposit... OF MURDER". T-Rex: ...Wait somehow that got worse, wait - Utahraptor: "It's not you, it's me." T-Rex: What if that puts you on the course to a better relationship? Utahraptor: "The food you gobbled was poisoned"? T-Rex: Yeah. Yeah, I suppose that's never good to hear. UNLESS... you've altered your DNA to be immune to it, and today's the day of your big test. And it turns out you're now immune to ALL toxins, and this is but the first of your many new superpowers to manifest! T-Rex: You stare at your fists as razor-sharp blades push out from between your fingers. Somehow, it only tickles. Somehow, you know life just got crazy sweet. SOMEHOW, YOU KNOW CRIMINALS WILL RUE THIS DAY. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Scientists need to invent a way to make DNA work like in cartoons

utahraptor since when are you so WACKY

T-Rex: Dudes! It's time to impress my friends with my EXPANSIVE VOCABULARY! T-Rex: ... T-Rex: Okay, shoot, I know I had something planned here. What word was I going to use? S-... "Standard"? Dromiceiomimus: "Standard" is the word you were going to impress us with? "Standard". T-Rex: I - maybe? Utahraptor: I would've at least added some suffixes! T-Rex: Standard-tastic? Utahraptor: "Standard-tastic". No, real words, like "standardized". You know? Or "restandardizational". "DiDODECArestandardizational"! Now we're moving into the realm of me being impressed: 11 syllables! BUT DUE TO YOUR STUMBLES, I'M ONLY BECOMING MORE AND MORE IMPRESSED WITH MYSELF!! T-Rex: That's not a real word. Off panel: Didodecarestandardizational: something referring to or about the restandardization process in a way that is related to 2 groupings of 12. T-Rex (punchline): Okay but the first time actually someone uses that word the world will end! Off panel: I KNEW THE RISKS

it's called 'explosions magazine', and the word 'explosions' is always shown exploding on the cover. the car issue has different sorts of cars exploding, and the swimsuit issue has different sorts of swimsuits exploding. explosions magazine, ladies and gentlemen!

T-Rex: Hey! I don't live at home! I'm responsible for getting my own food and for making sure I don't die most of the time. T-Rex: I'm an adult now! T-Rex: AND SINCE I AM AN ADULT, it is time for me to define a new, adult, personality. It's time for me to subscribe to some friggin' magazines! Dromiceiomimus: You already have a personality, T-Rex. T-Rex: Yeah, but the mailman doesn't know that! Credit agencies and consumer profilers don't know that. People impatiently shuffling through my mail don't know that. Utahraptor: You want to help these guys out? T-Rex: Look. I GUESS I DO. T-Rex: The point is, in today's modern culture, subscribing to magazines is the easiest way to say "Hey. These are the sorts of things I am interested in. I am $2.50 a month interested in snowmobiles." Utahraptor: But you're not. T-Rex: Well, maybe the magazine will pique my interest! God: T-REX YOU ARE 10 YEARS BEHIND THE TIMES KIDS TODAY JUST ADD SNOWMOBILES TO THEIR INTERESTS LIST ON SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES T-Rex (punchline): I'm gonna get a magazine about explosions! God: LISTEN God: THAT'S AWESOME AND I NEED TO BORROW THAT

did i just make up the 'backside lipslide 50/50 fakie'? no way man, it's awesome

T-Rex: Man, the coolest thing ever? T-Rex: Skateboarding out of a friggin' crashing helicopter! T-Rex: The ONLY way it could be better is if you yelled "EXTREME!" on the way down. "Whoah! Extreme!!" Dromiceiomimus: That is pretty extreme! T-Rex: You know it! And plus, you could do extreme tricks on the way down - like a backside lipslide 50-50 fakie! Utahraptor: Oh man, what if people continued skateboarding INSIDE of the crashing helicopter? T-Rex: ! T-Rex: I hadn't even thought of that! Utahraptor: Yeah, and when it crashes everyone thinks they're dead, but then they burst out of the rubble on their skateboards yelling "EXTREME!" and do ollies on the crumpled-up chassis! T-Rex: That is pretty friggin' extreme! Off panel: Extreme! T-Rex and off panel: EXTREME!! T-Rex (punchline): Whoaaaaah!

there are also little cartoon skulls with xs in their eyes. i can see them. they're crying, t-rex.

T-Rex: Hey, I bet if I went a week without showering, nobody would notice! Showers are probably there just to sell water. And soap. And shampoo. God: T-REX EVERYONE WILL NOTICE T-Rex: I find myself compelled to disagree! Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: So! How's it going, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, alright! T-Rex: Good! Hey, would you say I smell... "entirely acceptable"? Dromiceiomimus: I guess so! T-Rex: That is just so excellent. Narrator: THREE DAYS LATER: Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex, can I borrow - oh God! What happened?! T-Rex: Nothing! I smell fine! Narrator: FIVE DAYS LATER: Utahraptor: I'm talking to you from over here because you're smelly, T-Rex. I'm saying this as your friend. You smell like there was an explosion at the onion factory, and you were caught at ground zero. T-Rex: Hello!! That evocative image is entirely misplaced! Narrator: SEVEN DAYS LATER: Off panel: Now I'm way over here because I can ACTUALLY SEE stink lines coming off of you. There are little cartoon fish skeletons between the stink lines. You know what they're whispering in my ear, T-Rex? T-Rex (punchline): Nothing? Off panel: "There IS NO GOD"

ONE DAY SCIENCE IS GOING TO FIGURE OUT ULTIMATE SURPRISE AND THE SCIENTIST WHO DOES IT IS GOING TO GO TO HEAVEN HIGH FIVING EVERYONE ON THE WAY UP

T-Rex: Okay, so Herostratus burned down the Temple of Artemis. But what happened to the other Wonders of the World? My friends, I ask a bold question: indeed, the boldest. I ask the question shied away from by the greatest minds of our age: T-Rex: Isn't it true that they were ALL destroyed by Herostratus? God: T-REX THE MAUSOLEUM AND HANGING GARDENS AND COLOSSUS AND LIGHTHOUSE WERE ALL DESTROYED BY EARTHQUAKES LEAVING THE STATUE OF ZEUS TO BURN DOWN AND THE GREAT PYRAMID OF GIZA TO UM CONTINUE TO HANG AROUND T-Rex: Earthquakes, huh? Huh. I guess Herostratus wasn't actually a time-travelling, mustachio-twirling, World Wonder destroying villain. Ah well! That's why pencils have erasers, right? Utahraptor: But T-Rex, what would you call earthquakes? T-Rex: Natural disasters? T-Rex: Insurance motivators? Uh, building complicaters? Domino frustraters? Wobbley Times U.S.A.? Um... Shakey Shakes Central? Utahraptor: Couldn't you also call them... "ACTS OF GOD"? T-Rex: Oh my God! God is like Herostratus times - um, five! God: MAN I'M BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING BUT I NEVER GET THE CREDIT FOR HOW PEOPLE'S HEADS EXPLODE WHEN SEEING SOMETHING REALLY SURPRISING T-Rex (punchline): Maybe because that never happens! God: LISTEN God: YOU GUYS NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOME MORE SURPRISING STUFF BECAUSE IT'S GONNA BE GREAT

shouts of "I'LL CUT YOU" drifting up from the city streets at night suddenly dashing, elegant

Off panel: T-Rex, will you be eating salad for dinner tonight? T-Rex: No, I shan't! Off panel: Whoah! Suddenly you are extremely classy!! T-Rex: That's right, ladies! I'm bringing back "shan't"! T-Rex: "Won't" had a good run, but it's really the sort of word for someone who - perish the thought - has never sported monocle(s). "Shan't" is far superior! If this be the price of refinement, I shan't hesitate to pay it! Dromiceiomimus: "Shall" and its derivatives only sound classy because they're so dated and archaic! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you shan't say such things! You mustn't! Utahraptor: Man, you'll soon get tired of "shall" and relapse into "will"! T-Rex: We shall see about that! Utahraptor: YES, WE WILL. T-Rex (punchline): Oh yeah? ATTENTION, WORLD: the contraction "'ll" now stands for "shall" instead of "will"! "It'll" now means "it shall"; "you'll" means "you shall". Rarely does an ENTIRE LANGUAGE become classier overnight, but when you hear my words, YOU'LL realize it's already happened. Off panel: ... Off panel: Damn it

determinism: seriously guys, let's never talk about it again!

T-Rex: Determinism is the idea that every event and thought ever is predetermined! This determination is NOT done by fate or God or whatever, but rather by an almost endless chain of prior events. Causality is king! T-Rex: Also: there's also no such thing as a random event! T-Rex: A nice benefit of this is that free will is reduced to a complete illusion, since everything anyone ever does is already decided. On the plus side, this means that you can decide to do anything you want, because you're not responsible for it! But on the minus side, it means that you can't ever ACTUALLY decide to do anything. Thanks, determinism! Utahraptor: But come on, even if free will is an illusion, it's a convincing one! T-Rex: True! Utahraptor: So who cares if everything is predetermined then? If it's utterly convincing that I have free will, what does it matter if it's all predetermined? I'm still affecting events in ways I choose. T-Rex: But you'd just be lying to yourself! You're affecting events, but not CHOOSING anything. Off panel: So how can I be faulted for that, T-Rex... IF IT WAS ALREADY DETERMINED THAT I'D LIE TO MYSELF? T-Rex (punchline): Hooray! You pass determinism. T-Rex and off panel: Now, let's never talk about it again!

alternate ending: t-rex actually takes it up with god, and asks what the deal is. 'i believe you said this would rule?' he asks, pointedly.

God: T-REX LET'S INVENT AN AGING MACHINE T-Rex: A what? God: A MACHINE THAT MAKES PEOPLE AGE REAL FAST God: COME ON God: IT'LL RULE Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Tada! The aging machine is completed! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, what have YOU done today? I'VE just made a machine that makes people age, with God's help! Dromiceiomimus: So what's the symbolism there? Is it called "The Life Machine" or something? T-Rex: No. No, that would be good but this is actually just a machine that leaks invisible cell-decaying radiation. Utahraptor: Holy cow! Why would you build something like that? T-Rex: B-Because God told me to? Utahraptor: That's insanely dangerous, T-Rex! Geez!! I'm leaving. I don't want to be around a dude who has a LIFE-DESTROYING MACHINE nearby. T-Rex: Man, you're right! What was I thinking? Well, you can REST ASSURED that I'll be taking this up with God at my earliest convenience. Narrator: BUT LATER, ALL IS FORGOTTEN: T-Rex (punchline): So yeah! That's why I can never see myself using the word "twincest". God: THAT'S FAIR

if you're wondering why t-rex isn't married in this comic it's because by going back in time he removed his motivation for going back in time and so never did! SO LOGICAL

T-Rex: So I was talking up my post-pubescent body the other night, and this guy was like "Post-pubescent isn't a word, because you can never get past puberty!" I was like, "Whatever"! T-Rex: It was some party!! Dromiceiomimus: That guy was right though, T-Rex! Puberty is more of a toggle, isn't it? You're either pre-pubescent or pubescent - you never get to be post-pubescent. T-Rex: I maintain that you do! You're pre-pubescent, then pubescent, and then post-pubescent when the changes stop! Utahraptor: No no, you're pubescent as soon as the changes start! That's how it works. T-Rex: I disagree! Utahraptor: Let's look it up in a dictionary! Then we'll see what's what. T-Rex: Fine! Let's look it up right now! Utahraptor: Fine! T-Rex: Fine! I'll go do that! Utahraptor: Go ahead! T-Rex: I'm gonna! Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex: Dude, come quick! T-Rex (punchline): There's PICTURES!!

so hey i read something online recently where this dude was all "TIME TRAVEL MEANS SPACE TRAVEL" and I was all, "man I'VE been saying since i was SIX", but then I thought about it and figured out a way where it wouldn't mean space travel, but now I don't remember where I saw it so I can't go back and say "HAY LOOKIT"

T-Rex: Any machine that travels through time has to be a machine that travels through space as well! I've been saying this for years. T-Rex: Because dudes, the Earth is spinning on its axis! T-Rex: And it's whipping around the sun, and the sun is rotating in the arm of a galaxy that's also whipping around the Universe. You go back in time without travelling through space, you're likely to find yourself alone in the vacuum, millions of kilometers behind the Earth you left a (relative) instant ago! Utahraptor: Perhaps! But this problem only comes up if you're not the centre of the Universe. T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: If you're not the centre of the Universe, then you're perched on an Earth that's whipping through space, and sure, there's problems from that. But if you ARE the centre of the Universe, then everything's revolving around you! You can go through time without worry, because you'll always arrive right where you started. T-Rex: Oh, wow! This means that if we can travel through time, then we can also SCIENTIFICALLY PROVE whether or not someone is actually the centre of the Universe. T-Rex (punchline): Science keeps surprising me in surprising new ways!

americans: 'cheque' is how the rest of the english-speaking world spells 'check'. i know! you guys sure don't like the letter 'u'!

T-Rex: I am enamoured with writing things in cheque memo fields. It is a rare chance for comedy in the otherwise staid world of financial services and automated cheque processing! Narrator: KIDS SERIOUSLY DO THIS AT HOME Narrator: NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN T-Rex: I have always been a fan of writing "stop following me", just because I love the idea of a guy who is being followed by someone, and then get SO PISSED OFF that he spins around, whips out his chequebook, and cuts the dude a cheque then and there just to make him go somewhere else. Dromiceiomimus: I sometimes write "for your continued silence"! T-Rex: Also gold! Especially if it's a cheque for like, 37 cents. Utahraptor: You guys never write things like "October rent"? T-Rex: Apparently not dude! T-Rex: Although I have written things like "nudity tax" when I didn't want the person to cash the cheque. Utahraptor: "Non-negotiable" works in those situations too. T-Rex: TOO EASY, man! Seriously, you should join us in our wacky cheque world. It's great! Narrator: NOW IT'S LATER, AND T-REX HAS GOTTEN A CHEQUE FROM UTAHRAPTOR COVERING A DEBT OF $85.49! T-Rex: "The exact value of a broken heart." T-Rex (punchline): Hah! HILARIOUS!

The garden I remember still: a spectacle of flowers and plants, a quiet vision of beauty garnished with just a hint of wonderment, birds hopping from tree to tree, alive in their enthusiasm...

T-Rex: I've planted a garden around my house, and it is very pretty! T-Rex: Best garden ever, if I do say so myself! T-Rex: Do you have a garden, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Yes I do, T-Rex! T-Rex: Is it nice, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: It's very nice, thank you, T-Rex! T-Rex: Glad to hear it, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: There you are! I need my gardening shovel back. T-Rex: Aww, you wrecked it! Utahraptor: Wrecked what? T-Rex: We were playing a game! You were SUPPOSED to say my name at the end of each sentence. Utahraptor: That's a stupid game. T-Rex: [narrates] Two days later, I would come to realise the truth of his words. T-Rex (punchline): [large] !

OH MAN, if only dinosaurs had developed statue technology, could you imagine the prehistoric statue museums? INCREDIBLY AMAZING

T-Rex: Copper is an excellent metal because it resists corrosion AND oxidation, and the patina it develops protects it against further decay! It's also excellent because you can build statues out of it. Statues perhaps, of... T-Rex: ... T-Rex: ...ME? Dromiceiomimus: That's actually not a bad idea, T-Rex! If you want something to last a long time in the environment, copper's a great material. Put it underwater and it'll last even longer. T-Rex: That's what I'm saying! A copper statue of me could last MILLIONS of years, even with nobody taking care of it! T-Rex: Millions of years, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: That IS plenty of years! T-Rex: That's enough time for OUR ENTIRE SPECIES to be wiped out, for a new sentient species to evolve, discover my statue, and marvel at this sexy man immortalized in metal. "Hey you guys," they'll say, "maybe he should be our new god!" Utahraptor: Unless they evolve different ideas of sexy. T-Rex: MAN, even if they do, I can STILL see my sculpted copper 'ceps changing more than a few folks over to "statuesexual"! Sculpturephiliacs? Bustarians? T-Rex: Anyway. T-Rex (punchline): I'M SURE they'll think of a word.

please, sir, come in! take off your jaunty chapeau and vest and have some tea, and we'll talk about this partying!

T-Rex: How come nobody has ever sent me a telegram? Telegrams are old-skool classiness given physical form! T-Rex: One telegram, please!! Dromiceiomimus: Can you still send non-singing and stripping telegrams? I thought email had basically replaced them. T-Rex: Not hardly! Telegrams were better because they made you go to the door to get them, which meant folks knew you were popular AND getting an important message. Plus they charged by the word so people were concise! Also I think you had to write "STOP" instead of a period so the messages were rad, stop. Utahraptor: Hey, I'll send you a telegram, T-Rex! T-Rex: You will?! Utahraptor: Sure! I won't do it now though because you'll be expecting it, but in a few weeks, months or years, you'll get one! T-Rex: Awesome!! Wow, thanks, Utahraptor! You're a real friend! Narrator: YEARS LATER: Off panel: I have a telegram for you, sir! It says "HEY T-REX STOP I AM HERE TO PARTY STOP DO YOU WANT TO PARTY STOP" T-Rex (punchline): I've NEVER been more intrigued!

the court rules that the plaintiff must discern the difference between "natural law" and "positive law", and must ALSO stop imploring the jury to "set right what once went wrong"

T-Rex: Life is too friggin' fragile! And when I say "life", I mean life in general, but really, I mean my life in particular. T-Rex: Too. Friggin'. Fragile! T-Rex: I'm a big guy, so I have to eat a lot - WHICH IS FINE, except that it increases the chance that I starve to death! And if I'm smaller I eat less, but I also face jerks trying to eat me! And if I'm a single cell, nobody's going out of their way to eat me, but I can die if the host I'm in dies or the stream dries up or whatever. Dromiceiomimus: Plus you give up any powers of reasoning. T-Rex: Man, that too!! T-Rex: In summary, life is too fragile and I describe that as "sucks ahoy"! Utahraptor: Maybe you should give up your ego here, T-Rex! Utahraptor: While individuals may be fragile, species can survive a very long time! Why not see individual lives as single cells in the species: a multi-cellular multi-generational organism? T-Rex: Um, because that's a metaphor that doesn't stop me from being food poisoned to death?? Narrator: LATER, IN COURT! T-Rex: Your honour, if I steal, I get a few years in jail. If I murder, I get a LIFETIME in jail. But if I forget to eat for a few days or breathe for a few minutes, I DIE FOREVER? Off panel: I'm sorry? T-Rex (punchline): The punishment does not seem to fit the crime here!

so i was watching the golden girls on dvd a few years ago at a party (WOO!!! SPRING BREAK) and the pilot episode goes to great lengths to explain that Sophia's rudeness throughout the series was the result of a stroke. it was like the midichlorians from star wars, but they actually WERE in the first episode produced. so anyway, the take-away here is that george lucas ripped off golden girls

Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS ASKS: IF YOU COULD LOSE ANY SENSE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? T-Rex: My sense of proprioception! T-Rex: That's the sense that lets you know where your body parts are at any given time! T-Rex: And it's ALSO a sense that gets dulled when you drink, which is why you have trouble touching your nose with your eyes closed in such situations. You're forced to rely on proprioception, and with it dulled, you miss! You poke out your eye with your hand or whatever. T-Rex: Proprioception! Utahraptor: And you really want to be CONSISTENTLY SURPRISED about where your limbs are when you can't see them? T-Rex: Maybe! Utahraptor: You know what? I don't think you would! I think you ACTUALLY chose proprioception because it's not one of the classical five senses, and you wanted to be Mr. "Look At Me Guys I Chose An Unexpected Answer". T-Rex: Oh, it's true! But I messed up. I'd really prefer losing nociception: the sense of pain! Narrator: BUT THAT IS A LIE TOO! Off panel: T-Rex, I'm afraid this accident has robbed you of one of your senses: the sense of what's appropriate in a given social situation! T-Rex (punchline): yessssss

T-REX IF I SAID NOT TO HAVE SEXY FUN TIMES IN THE PAST IT MUST HAVE BEEN SARCASTIC OR SOMETHING SO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO HAVE AS SEXY A FUN TIME AS YOU FIND YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH

T-Rex: HEY! HEY GOD! HEY God: WHAT T-Rex: LOOK AT ME I'M TALKING LIKE YOU T-Rex: HEY DROMICEIOMIMUS YOU'D BETTER NOT HAVE ANY SEXY FUN TIMES BECAUSE I'M GOD AND I DON'T LIKE THAT Dromiceiomimus: OKAY T-REX T-Rex: I GET JEALOUS OR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW God: T-REX WHEN HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU NOT TO HAVE SEXY FUN TIMES I AM ALL FOR THEM T-Rex: HEY UTAHRAPTOR Utahraptor: T-REX Utahraptor: WHY ARE WE TALKING LIKE THIS T-REX T-Rex (punchline): UTAHRAPTOR IT IS BECAUSE WE ARE PRETENDING TO BE GOD Utahraptor: RIGHT ON Utahraptor: I AM GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK Off panel: I WAS GOING TO BE ON TIME FOR WORK BUT THEN I FORGOT HOW THIS IS A PRIORITY

did you know a 'goad' is a pointy stick? neither did i, but it makes sense.

T-Rex: I hope I never get BURIED ALIVE! T-Rex: Yep, that sure would suck! T-Rex: Boy, would I ever hate to be buried alive. T-Rex: I can't think of anything I'd dislike more! T-Rex: I mean - damn! Buried alive! Utahraptor: Why are you talking like that? T-Rex: Like what? Utahraptor: Like you're trying to lead someone on, goading them into burying you alive. T-Rex: Whoah, is that what I sound like? Oh my gosh! T-Rex: I don't want to get buried alive at ALL! T-Rex: I thought stressing that fact would make it clear, but apparently NOT. I drop the subject now! T-Rex: But don't forget! T-Rex (punchline): No burying T-Rex alive!

We never said our love was evergreen, or as unchanging as the sea - but when you order chili cheese fries on the side, stop and think of me.

T-Rex: One day Joe went in the kitchen and produced a sandwich so sloppy that we had to call it a "Sloppy Joe"! T-Rex: Joe's probably dead now. T-Rex: But we all remember him when we're hungry! T-Rex: That's because Joe knew the secret: EPONYMOUS FOODSTUFF. His name will live on for as long as we want a noun that means "Hey, spoon some chili on a bun because I'll eat that. I swear to god, I will eat that right now." Dromiceiomimus: Inventing food can be tricky! T-Rex: I'VE GOT A PLAN: take an existing food, and add ketchup. Pour ketchup on nachos: that's a Sexy Rex, baby! Utahraptor: Nachos are already named after Ignacio "Nacho" Anaya, dude! T-Rex: Seriously? T-Rex: Okay, well, Nacho got there first and I'll give him that, and sure, maybe adding cheese to an existing food is a better strategy than ketchup. Okay, the Sexy Rex is now when you add cottage cheese to cereal instead of milk. Come over, we'll try it together. Utahraptor: eugh. Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex (punchline): If you'll excuse me, Utahraptor, I need to go drop a barf, change my name to "Chili Cheese Friesontheside", and NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN. Off panel: Cool beans, me too

the 'Valentine's Day Problem' t-rex is referring to is the problem of what if nobody gives you any valentines!

Narrator: VALENTINE'S DAY EVE: T-Rex: Okay, this time for sure! I will avoid any troubles on Valentine's Day by simply IGNORING IT. I will deny this manufactured holiday its very existence! T-Rex: Have I, perhaps, solved the "Valentine's Day Problem" once and for all? Dromiceiomimus: Aww! That's kind of sad, T-Rex. What if someone gives you a so-bad-they're-good valentine, like those little ones with pictures of cars that say things like "I wheelie like you"? Would you really want to turn those down? T-Rex: Huh! I actually hadn't considered ironic valentines, which I do like. Hmm... Utahraptor: And what if someone wants you to be their valentine for real? T-Rex: Well...! Utahraptor: Seriously! What happens if a gorgeous, intelligent, funny woman asks you to be her valentine tomorrow? Are you going to shoot her down because you're denying that Valentine's Day exists? T-Rex: My friend, I will handle that situation by simply "ignoring my principles" and "reversing my position". Narrator: ANYWAY, T-REX ENDS UP SPENDING VALENTINE'S DAY ALONE: T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Why do they call it "lactose intolerant"? They should call it, "lactose inconsiderate".

a lot of folks seem awfully paranoid about being killed by those dinky "hello my name is" stickers

T-Rex: Assuming aphorisms are 100% accurate, NOBODY is going to shoot ME to death! T-Rex: That's because I own a bullet with my name on it, ladies!! God: WHAT IF YOU DON'T DIE FROM BULLET OVERDOSE THOUGH T-Rex: *gasp* Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Okay okay! Things with my name on them I now own include: a bullet, a salad, a flight of stairs, a blender, my dog because I taped it to him, a DVD, a CD, a cassette, a record, a wax cylinder, a computer, a bear if that guy on the computer is to be believed, an instance of every article of clothing I own, AND baking powder. T-Rex: I should be safe - for a while? Utahraptor: That's nowhere near to one of every noun! What about butts? T-Rex: I need a butt with my name on it; I admit it freely! Utahraptor: Dude, even if you DO buy one of everything on the planet and write your name on it - T-Rex: - an enviable lifestyle - Utahraptor: - there's still stuff you can't buy! The sun could explode, ASTEROIDS COULD HIT, and so on! T-Rex: Hah! "Asteroids." T-Rex (punchline): Whatever, space!! Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: Narrator: DRAMATIC IRONY

yeah so fantasy land actually kinda sucks

T-Rex: Dating both twin sisters at the same time: T-Rex: Hot? Or just, in fact, KIND OF WEIRD? T-Rex: I'm afraid that I fall on the "kind of weird" side of the fence this time. While I'm usually strongly in favour of the hot makeouts, they're sisters! It's like they've made out with each other, through proxy. Transitive makeouts! Utahraptor: I really don't see how you're getting this! T-Rex: What's not to get? Twins! Proxies! Transitive closure! Utahraptor: Well it's just - if you were a dude dating, say, identical twin sister swim-team captains, I can imagine you reacting a little differently. T-Rex: Things would indeed be different... Narrator: FANTASY LAND: T-Rex: Keep on swimmin', ladies, because I love you both super equally! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE.

All my sweeties were big into how I did relationships. Initially, I mean!

T-Rex: I don't want to brag, but I'm REALLY GOOD at relationships. All my sweeties have said so! T-Rex: Before we broke up, I mean!! Narrator: T-REX FIXES THE RELATIONSHIPS T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, tell me about your relationship problems! Dromiceiomimus: Okay, well, there's this guy at work who I'm pretty sure thinks that I'm dumb, but I don't know how to broach the subject beyond saying "Hey, I'm not dumb." T-Rex: Hah! Wow! T-Rex: "Awkward!!" T-Rex: Well, Dromiceiomimus, this is certainly a tricky probl- Utahraptor: Dromiceiomimus is that way, dude! Utahraptor: You're not fixing her relationship problems! You're running away from her because you don't know how to fix her problem! T-Rex: Oh, it's true! But it'd be SO AWKWARD to walk up to someone and say "hey I'm not really dumb, just FYI", wouldn't it? I'm in over my head here! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I made you a card to give that guy! The outside says "I'M NOT DUMB" and the inside says "HEY MAN, SCREW YOU" T-Rex: Wait, no! T-Rex (punchline): On the inside it says "MAYBE YOU'RE DUMB INSTEAD! IF THAT'S TRUE: HAH HAH, CALLED IT"

it's not swearing if you don't enunciate the last phoneme. PRO TIP

Narrator: COMICS THAT END IN "OH SHIIII-" T-Rex: Wow! The plants are nice and the birds are singing and the sun is almost down from the top of the sky. T-Rex: What a beautiful day! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, what if beauty is nothing but an illusion? What if we're all nothing but dreams within dreams that, for an instant, imagine themselves to be real? T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: OH SHIIIIIIII- Narrator: THE END Utahraptor: Man, I was paying my taxes AND paying my heating bill today, and I think I put the wrong cheque in the wrong envelope! T-Rex (punchline): No worries, Utahraptor! With two cheques, if you put the right cheque in the wrong envelope, you'd have a problem. But the wrong cheque in the wrong envelope is logically equivalent to the right cheque in the right envelope! Utahraptor: T-Rex! That's not what I meant! T-Rex and off panel: OH SHIIIIIIIIII-

that's right marvel and dc! i hear your joint trademark on the word 'superhero' and i call SHENANIGANS.

Narrator: T-REX MISSED A TRAIN THIS MORNING: T-Rex: Man, forget that! Time controls TOO MUCH of our modern lives. I will be the one to fight this creeping chronology by becoming its first true antithesis. Yes! I will become... T-Rex: ... the ANTITIME! Dromiceiomimus: Wow, the Antitime, with the full power to reverse time! Will you please turn my grandmother into a young woman again? T-Rex: What? No, I - I don't actually control time. I'm just against the CONCEPT. Utahraptor: So - no taking back mistakes, no solving problems before they ever occur? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: And why is everyone acting like I can suddenly control time just because I gave myself a sweet superhero name? It's surreal. Utahraptor: Well perhaps the name gave us something to believe in, huh? Perhaps, in the end, the name was greater than the man. Narrator: NEXT TIME, ON DINOSAUR COMICS: T-REX WISHES HE ACTUALLY HAD THE POWER TO CONTROL TIME. T-Rex (punchline): Aw frig, my microwave popcorn!!

DID YOU KNOW: those five kicks happened between panels in comics 1043, 1068, 1668, 1751 and 1888 and they were... AMAZING

Narrator: EIGHT YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for being remembered! And *I* will be immortalized by kicking an evil kangaroo one thousand times. Right in the bum! Narrator: NOW: T-Rex: [thinks] kangaroo kicks T-Rex: Aw frig!! T-Rex: I was supposed to be kicking kangaroos all this time and my kangaroo kick count is still only at - what, five? I NEED TO UP MY GAME BY SEVERAL NOTCHES. What if... what if I kicked a kangaroo TWO thousand times instead? Dromiceiomimus: What if you found something to do that bettered yourself AND the world around you? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus T-Rex: I'm not sure what you think kicking a kangaroo is Utahraptor: Yeah, I don't get this kangaroo kicking thing either! T-Rex: It's trackable! T-Rex: I dedicate my life to working tirelessly for the greater good, and I never know if I'm making progress. I dedicate my life to kicking an evil kangaroo two thousand times, and with every kick I can say "Hey! PROGRESS." Utahraptor: But do something positive! Donate $100 to charity two thousand times instead! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...I'm already five kicks in dude; I'm kinda committed now

PARTIALLY based on a true story

Narrator: T-REX IN: "MOVIE ETIQUETTE" T-Rex: Okay, so I can accept that nobody applauds at the end of a film anymore. T-Rex: (Even though it is the classy thing to do!) T-Rex: But what is with the staff coming in to clean up before the credits are even half over? That's just rude! Dromiceiomimus: You're a dying breed, my friend! There are only a few credit-watchers left! Utahraptor: Yeah, why do you watch the credits? T-Rex: I like them! T-Rex: It gives me time to think about the movie I just saw. Utahraptor: Man, I hate to stay for the credits! T-Rex: This is why we can't see movies together! Narrator: T-REX FROM THE FUTURE TRAVELS BACK IN TIME TO THIS EXACT MOMENT: Off panel: This is why we can't see movies together! T-Rex: HEY! T-Rex (punchline): Stay away from women named "Susan"!

if you really respected me, you'd trick me into falling in love with you

T-Rex: I've never seen the world, but that's going to change... T-Rex: ...today! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I am going to go on a trip around the world. Would you like to be my "travelling companion"? Dromiceiomimus: Sure! Although, the emphasis you placed on "travelling companion" does fill me with some suspicion. T-Rex: Ha ha! Little does she know! Utahraptor: Little does who know what? T-Rex: Little does the Dromiceiomimus know that I intend to show her the great vistas of the world, and by doing so, make her fall in love with me! Utahraptor: Ah, the old "culture by association" trick! T-Rex: Wait- T-Rex (punchline): It's been done before?

tagline for the first movie: "SOMETIMES FATE... IS CAST IN STONE" and/or "EVEN DEMIGODS CAN HIT ROCK BOTTOM". tagline for the second movie: "WELCOME BACK... TO 'HIGH' SCHOOL"

T-Rex: So we all know about Medusa and how her gaze turned peeps to statue peeps and then they cut off her head. But imagine if she wasn't an only child! IMAGINE IF SHE HAD SISTERS?? T-Rex: Okay! Stop imagining because it turns out she totally had sisters! T-Rex: They're named Euryale and Stheno and like Medusa they have crazy snake hair too! And they're more powerful than her because THESE sisters are immortal. Dromiceiomimus: How come we never hear about them? T-Rex: Because could you keep going to work and being a productive member of society if you knew IMMORTAL SNAKEHAIR WOMEN were running around? Dromiceiomimus: I suppose that would be a good excuse not to Utahraptor: How many people did they turn to stone? T-Rex: ZERO. They claimed they couldn't! T-Rex: But in my story they're actually the only ones who CAN stonify people, and they can control it. They prank their kid sister Medusa to make her think SHE'S doing it unwillingly, but the pranks go too far and she gets murdered. And now her sisters want revenge: a dish, I remind you, which is best served cold. T-Rex: ...STONE cold. T-Rex: Oooh! Or alternatively, they could also be weed-hungry teens in a comedy called "Those Darn Stoners!!" T-Rex (punchline): The problem of the artist isn't not having any ideas, it's having TOO MANY IDEAS while also being made of flesh that will die someday!

because otherwise, he would have done it

Narrator: LOGICAL FALLACY COMICS PRESENTS: Narrator: "THE MIDDLE GROUND" T-Rex: This fallacy is when you assume that since a position is between two extremes, it must be right! T-Rex: It seems to occur because often, this IS the case. For instance, eating a moderate amount of food is better than eating to excess, or eating not at all. T-Rex: However, just because a case is between two extremes does not make it automatically correct! It must be JUSTIFIED. Utahraptor: Well, what's an example where the middle ground is not correct? T-Rex: Easy! T-Rex: Say you think I should go on a trip around the world, while I assure you that I can't afford it and that I should stay home. From that, we would conclude that I should go on a trip exactly half-way around the world, where I'd probably run out of money and get stuck! Utahraptor: Sounds good to me! T-Rex (punchline): Luckily, we have arrived to that conclusion via a fallacy and so I will be making no such trip!

after the crash of the splintering wood there's a sudden silence, and you become aware of the soft sound of a voice, a young girl's voice, and it's slowly singing lullabies, and it's coming from inside the floor

Narrator: IT'S LATE AND YOU'RE HOME ALONE a web card T-Rex: Wow! The whole place to yourself, huh? And it's really dark out too! T-Rex: When you got home, did you check out every room? T-Rex: Wouldn't it be super weird if one of the rooms you didn't check had an axe murderer in it? Dromiceiomimus: Man, that'd be SO WEIRD! I'm glad I'm not home alone right now, where nobody will check on me for hours and hours. T-Rex: I know, right? Wouldn't it be EVEN WEIRDER if you glanced out the window and saw the silent motionless silhouette of someone just - watching you? Dromiceiomimus: That'd be THE WEIRDEST! Utahraptor: Even better - imagine if, just as you were reading this, the power cut out? T-Rex: Oh man! So weird! T-Rex: And then, while you were still stunned by the sudden darkness, you heard the sound of glass breaking? Utahraptor: Ooh! Or the sound of fists pounding on your door, and then the unmistakable sound of splintering wood! T-Rex and Utahraptor: Sooo weird! T-Rex: If I were the recipient of this card, I would DEFINITELY be exploring these scenarios in my imagination right now!! Nothing else to do when you're home alone, right? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex (punchline): Nothing to do but wait!

what you have to picture is a horse raising a hoof like a fist and menacing it at the maiden. if you were already picturing that before you started reading this comic, hey, you're way ahead of the game

Narrator: "HORSES VS. TRAINS" T-Rex: Ah, the age-old debate! Horses are okay. T-Rex: If you don't have any trains around, that is!! T-Rex: Horses eat grass. Trains are huge multi-ton machines that GET THINGS DONE. And then when you think trains are as great as it gets, you discover maglev trains! These are literal HOVERTRAINS that wrote in their diaries, "Screw it, diary! I'm just gonna go as fast as I can from now on!!" and then they go 581 km/h like it's no big deal. NICE. T-Rex: Horses eat grass, and SOMETIMES, hop over buckets. Utahraptor: I guess the old stereotype of boys liking trains is true! T-Rex: Come on, that's dumb! T-Rex: I like trains because they're big complicated machines that NOT ONLY get folks places quickly, but also, threaten maidens tied to the tracks by mustachio-twirling villains. If horses could do that I would like horses too. Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure horses CAN do that. T-Rex: WELL THEN. I GUESS I'M A FAN OF HORSES. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: EXCUSE ME LIBRARIAN DO YOU HAVE ANY BOOKS ON HORSES Off panel: Yes sir! We have many books on many topics, here at your local library! T-Rex: THANK YOU T-Rex (punchline): PRETTY SURE ONE WILL SUFFICE

oh al, if only your middle name had been "nonal". although then your birth certificate would be a confusing mix of messages.

T-Rex: You know what would be the worst? Meeting someone who was ACTUALLY NAMED "Al Coholic". T-Rex: And he actually IS an alcoholic! T-Rex: And he hasn't changed his name and he hates it and he drinks all the time. And everyone laughs when they hear his name, and then they get to know him and discover his illness and they feel awful. They begin to wonder if their laughter makes him drink. Dromiceiomimus: But why wouldn't he just go by "Albert"? Or "Alberto"? T-Rex: Maybe he's searching for an answer to that question, Dromiceiomimus... at the bottom of a bottle. Utahraptor: T-Rex, come on, this is ultra dumb. T-Rex: I'm just saying! It would be the worst. T-Rex: If you were his friend you'd always say "Come on Al, stop drinking, change your name. At least go by your middle name." And then he'd take a swig from the bottle, wipe his mouth with the back of his hand, and tell you his middle name is "Choc". Utahraptor: And then he'd eat a chocolate? T-Rex: He probably would! Man! T-Rex: Poor Al! T-Rex (punchline): I've never felt worse for inventing someone!

every conversation in this universe ends like that. you might think it gets tiring, but nope!

Narrator: THE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO TOAST: T-Rex: So yeah, as I was saying, the relativist fallacy is when you reject a claim by saying "Oh, that may be true for you, but it's not true for me." God: HUH T-Rex: But you have to be careful: the fallacy only applies to objective facts! T-Rex: So if I say "the atomic mass of xenon is 131.3 AMU", a response of "Oh, maybe it is for YOU!" is a fallacy. But if I said "toast is the ultimate breakfast-time treat", you could very well respond with "maybe for YOU, not for ME" and it wouldn't be a fallacy, because as we know the debate over breakfast is as subjective as it is eternal. Utahraptor: Who are you explaining the relativist fallacy to? T-Rex: Oh, just God! T-Rex: He was asking me what the weight of xenon was and I was all "Duh, 131.3 AMU" and he was all "Duh, maybe for you, T-Rex" and I was all, "Aha! Time to pontificate!" Then I worked in an example about toast. T-Rex and Utahraptor: HEY! Let's go get some toast! T-Rex (punchline): It all comes back to toast!

(t-rex calls his mind the vault)

T-Rex: Am I doing the right thing with my life? What if what I'm doing with my time is actually something I will one day regret? What I NEED is some way to measure regret for every action and career path. Narrator: TWO SECONDS LATER: T-Rex: Done and DONE! T-Rex: All I'll need to do is ask old people about their lives, and measure how many of them regret certain things! This "regret index" will range from 0 (no regret) to 1 (total ultimate regret). With it, I can tell kids today that if you rub spider eggs into your eyes, you're 96% likely to regret it, but if you drink delicious lemonade and pop wheelies, the regret index on that is near 0! Label: [with an arrow pointing at the house] LOG CABIN: REGRET INDEX .24 Label: [with an arrow pointing at the car] OUT-OF-SCALE CAR: REGRET INDEX .992 Utahraptor: So basically you're just asking people what they liked and what they didn't like? T-Rex: Yeah! T-Rex: But "regret index" makes it sound more scientific. I honestly think this could be useful! You could find out how many people are still happy that they memorized every Star Trek episode! Utahraptor: I know I am. T-Rex: I, too, remain fully satisfied. Narrator: EARLIER: Off panel: "Make it so." T-Rex (punchline): It all goes in the vault!

oh yeah, tips for job hunters! be concise and easily understood in your resume, highlight your good points, blah blah everyone knows this and anyone who calls themselves a "Resume Expert" has something to sell. JUST REGISTER CHUMPSTAKINGDUMPS.COM AND YOU'LL NEVER BE UNEMPLOYED AGAIN

Narrator: TIPS FOR JOB HUNTERS T-Rex: Attention, people who are hunting jobs! You are known as "job hunters" and guess what? I have some tips for you, my friends! T-Rex: Tip number one is to have a good email address! T-Rex: If I were an employer and I had two equally qualified candidates, but one resume came from [email protected] and the other resume came from [email protected], I know which one I'd want to hire! Dromiceiomimus: Is it [email protected]? T-Rex: It is without hesitation! T-Rex: That business success jerk has the most obnoxious email address ever. Utahraptor: And the other guy doesn't? T-Rex: No man! The other guy surveyed the field of resume email addresses and said, "You know what? It can be done better." I'm fascinated by him! Who is this Colin? And furthermore, what of his Chumps, who it seems are presently Taking Dumps?? I don't know, but I want to offer him a job to find out! Narrator: T-REX PUTS UP A FAKE JOB LISTING TO SEE WHAT EMAIL ADDRESSES HE GETS. THE BEST IS FROM [email protected] T-Rex: Hah hah! Awesome! T-Rex (punchline): ...It's not the guy I made up, though.

I started the comic with "AS WE ALL KNOW" because I mentioned that vision fact in a comic weeks ago and AS WE ALL KNOW, everyone who reads my comic has perfect memory on account of being sexy ultra-geniuses

T-Rex: AS WE ALL KNOW, once light reaches our eyes, it can take upwards of 50 milliseconds before the chemical process of vision has completed and the information is in a usable form in our brain. 50 milliseconds, you guys! That's like... T-Rex: FOREVER T-Rex: It seems to me there's a lot of room for improvement there! And it seems to me that perhaps - I'M the one who's taken the next step and evolved a vision system that spits data out in 5 milliseconds, instead of 50?? Dromiceiomimus: Let's assume you are that guy with the 5-millisecond vision! T-Rex: Oooh! Let's!! Utahraptor: Congratulations, you've just become the most dangerous man on the planet! T-Rex: ...How? Utahraptor: Seeing things 45 milliseconds before every other living thing means that, for all intents and purposes, you can see the future. You can react to things before anyone else is even aware that they've happened. T-Rex: Holy crap! I need to evolve this ability STAT!! T-Rex: RRRrrrRRRR T-Rex's back: *pop* T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor I think I made a problem that can only be solved by hospitals

this is akin to us saying "who put up that human poster", which i trust we all say whenever the situation warrants

T-Rex: The propinquity effect refers to our tendency to form romantic attachments with people we encounter and interact with often. T-Rex: If I see someone all the time, it's more likely they'll become my sweetie! T-Rex: Which, you know, seems kind of obvious when you consider the opposite: if I interact with someone not at all, it's PRETTY unlikely that we'll be sharing INTIMATE SNUGGLES. But knowing about the propinquity effect, I can alter my life appropriately! Now I know that when I want to enter into a romantic relationship with someone, I should just totally integrate myself into their day-to-day lives! Utahraptor: No, no, T-Rex, no! T-Rex: This is a great plan! What? Utahraptor: If you wanna date someone, ask them out, don't do this stalkery, passive aggressive "hey, notice I'm around all the time now?" thing. That's creepy! That crap only ever works in romantic comedies, and our BEST SCIENTISTS don't even know why it works there. T-Rex (punchline): They watch MOVIES at Science Headquarters?? Narrator: MEANWHILE, AT SCIENCE HEADQUARTERS! Off panel: Ladies and gentlemen: who put this dinosaur poster up in Science Headquarters? Off panel: Because my hypothesis is: it's rad

an alternate ending had t-rex opening an entire gender-themed restaurant. the restaurant sold things like patriarchy pie, and you might ask, 'was there anything especially patriarchal about it?' the answer is, well, no, not especially.

T-Rex: I will become rich and famous by becoming the world's best baker. My flagship product will be brilliant! It will be rich, delicious, low-fat... T-Rex: ... gender rolls! T-Rex: Hee hee! Get it, Dromiceiomimus? They're rolls, like bun rolls, but also GENDER roles! Dromiceiomimus: So they're shaped like naughty bits? T-Rex: No, those are sex rolls. Gender rolls are shaped like housewives and firemen! Utahraptor: And shaped buns will make you rich and famous? T-Rex: Dude, it is certain! T-Rex: They're animal crackers for the new generation. Come on! It's a great pun, PLUS, every time you go into my bakery you can choose your own preferred gender roll! It's brilliant! Utahraptor: Do people HAVE to choose a gender roll? T-Rex: They do if they want to use the washrooms, dammit. Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: Hah! I have made a hilarious typographic error! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] BUT HOW TO PROFIT FROM IT??

you should know golf standing for "Gentlemen Only; Ladies Forbidden" is an urban legend! it actually stands for "Generally, Observation Leads to Facts", and it's how we all remember the scientific method

Narrator: AS HIGH AS A KITE: T-Rex: In history times, kites were the highest things around. This was before clouds existed, because there weren't enough of us around then for our exhaled breath to form them! Narrator: PLAUSIBLE ORIGINS OF COMMON PHRASES FOR THE VERY CREDULOUS Narrator: DON'T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH: T-Rex: Originally this expression was "don't look any horse in the mouth", as the inside of the average horse's mouth is a maddening, insanity-inducing nightmare of impossible angles and non-Euclidian geometry. With the invention of equine orthodontics, the expression was modified to "GIFT horse", gift being an acronym for "Granting Insanity From Teeth". Dromiceiomimus: Of course!! Narrator: IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO: T-Rex: Originally, tangos involved groups of three people! Utahraptor: Or more! T-Rex: This was before mass media, so when the dance was altered, catchy idiom was used to popularize the change! Utahraptor: The effectiveness of this expression led to other language based news delivery, including 1492's "it's a small world" and 1676's discovery that "practice makes perfect". Narrator: THIS CONCLUDES PLAUSIBLE ORIGINS OF COMMON PHRASES FOR THE VERY CREDULOUS T-Rex: These phrase origins: they're so plausible!! T-Rex (punchline): LISTEN, FRIENDS: nobody look them up to check them and we will get along JUST FINE

later, t-rex starts a new version of kickstarter where support is MANDATORY.

T-Rex: Nobody wants to pay $10 to have their picture next to a word of their choice in my self-published dictionary! NOBODY. NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON. T-Rex: FINE. T-Rex: FINE, EVERYBODY. I mean, I THOUGHT crowdsourcing was the wave of the future, but sitting around and not giving me money is fine too. Oh look, here's a regular dictionary. A boring old regular dictionary without any photos of my friends in it. Yaaaay. Dromiceiomimus: That's a house, T-Rex. T-Rex: See? It's not even a GOOD dictionary. Utahraptor: Crowdsourcing works if you've got a really compelling idea! T-Rex: THIS WAS MY REALLY COMPELLING IDEA. T-Rex: You know what? Forget it. If nobody on this planet wants to support me, then I'll just move to another planet that does. Utahraptor: I don't see how you're go- T-Rex: FAREWELL, CHEAPO PALS WHO WOULDN'T EVEN GIVE ME $10!! Narrator: LATER, T-REX FAILS TO LEAVE THE PLANET: T-Rex (punchline): Look I'm just having a rough week okay

god can use punctuation in quotes, just like how data can use contractions when he's playing back other people's phrases. IT'S ESTABLISHED IN CANON IN THE FOURTH SEASON EPISODE 'IN THEORY' IF YOU DO NOT RECALL

God: SO YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY CLIMBED MOUNT EVEREST THE TALLEST MOUNTAIN IN THE WORLD HUH T-Rex: Yep! God: HOW WAS IT T-Rex: ...Tall? God: T-REX THAT IS THE WORST ANSWER THAT HAS EVER BEEN GIVEN TO THAT QUESTION God: I SAY THIS AS GOD AND TRULY WITHOUT HYPERBOLE T-Rex: Whatever, man! It WAS tall. It was also cold! It was cold, and tall. God: I'M WRITING THIS DOWN SO I CAN PUT OUT A NEW BIBLE CALLED "BIBLE 2: GUESS WHAT? T-REX BLOWS AT DESCRIBING MOUNTAINS" T-Rex: Aw, MAN! Utahraptor: What's up? T-Rex: God's gonna put out a new Bible in which he makes fun of my powers of TAUTOLOGICAL DESCRIPTION. Utahraptor: Sometimes, my friend, you have problems that I really don't know how to help you with. T-Rex: It's okay! You tried! God: T-REX I MIGHT INSTEAD CALL IT "BIBLE II: GUESS WHAT? GOD RULES THE SCHOOLS AT EATIN' SLOPPY JOES" T-Rex (punchline): Do - do you actually rule the schools at eating Sloppy Joes though? God: LET ME TELL YOU T-REX God: IT'S THE NEW GOOD NEWS

t-rex just wanted to show how rational he was :(

Narrator: T-REX THE TALKING DINOSAUR IN: "SELF-DOUBT SHENANIGANS" T-Rex: Self-doubt! T-Rex: While it can occasionally help us re-evaluate bad ideas, it can also be crippling. People who are too self-doubting can become (figuratively) paralyzed, unable to have even the smallest faith in their abilities! USUALLY, this is unfounded. Utahraptor: Why all this talk about self-doubt, T-Rex? Are YOU self-doubting? T-Rex: Hah, of course not! T-Rex: Besides, if I was, it would be self-skepticism, not self-doubt. Doubt can be irrational and unfounded, but skepticism relies on a critical evaluation of the facts at hand, and an informed judgment of their merit. Utahraptor: Hah! T-Rex: No, but I don't have any doubt in myself, see? T-Rex: T-Rex rules the schools! T-Rex (punchline): I cannot stress this enough!!

the key containarium 2000 is just as elaborate and rococo as you'd imagine, all spinning gears and brass EVERYWHERE

T-Rex: God, is it ONLY reporters who get to say "This just in"? God: LISTEN T-REX MOST FOLKS WOULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A CHUMMY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD WITH BETTER QUESTIONS LIKE FOR EXAMPLE I DON'T KNOW God: UM God: WHERE'D I PUT MY KEYS T-Rex: Dude! T-Rex: My keys are right where I left them, in the key containarium 2000. People seriously pray for knowing where their keys are? God: P- God: PROBABLY God: ANYWAY OTHER PEOPLE CAN SAY THIS JUST IN SO DON'T SWEAT IT T-Rex: This just in, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: Yes? T-Rex: Um, this just in: I have a new rhetorical device at my disposal! Utahraptor: Sounds... good? T-Rex: Yes it does. This just in: yes it does INDEED. T-Rex: Wait a second! God, earlier, were you implying that you don't listen to PRAYERS? God: T-REX EARLIER WERE YOU IMPLYING THAT WE ALL SHOULD DEFINITELY FORGET I SAID ANYTHING T-Rex: Um - T-Rex (punchline): Implications are tricky so maybe

historians: do you make up alternate histories ALL THE TIME? i think if i was a historian i would make up alternate histories ALL THE TIME. they would be hella informed.

Narrator: ALTERNATE HISTORY COMICS T-Rex: Oh goodness, do I love alternate histories. What would the world be like if the Nazis won World War II? T-Rex: I know! Let's watch a movie to find out! T-Rex: I think what I like is the fun of going back and finding one event and just flipping it, then reasonably tracing the changes up to the present. It really can be an intellectual exercise! I also like how alternate histories imply that each of our daily actions could have TIMELINE-ALTERING CONSEQUENCES. Utahraptor: Well, not ALL of our actions, T-Rex! Just the big ones. T-Rex: Perhaps... T-Rex: But, Utahraptor... perhaps NOT! Utahraptor: O-Okay. T-Rex: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'M going to change all our tomorrows. Farewell! God: T-REX TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE PLANNING TO DO AND I'LL TELL YOU HOW IT AFFECTS THE FUTURE T-Rex (punchline): I'm writing a story in which I eat a lot of sandwiches! Then I'm gonna ACTUALLY eat a lot of sandwiches. God: OKAY God: I WANT SOME

even if the robot or fight analogy is ridiculous, like punching a robot who has already reached Punch Maximum

Narrator: STUPID DUMB ADVERTISING SLOGAN TECHNIQUES T-Rex: There are tons of stupid dumb advertising slogan techniques! Oh my goodness, they're so terrible. Let's consider a few, such as... T-Rex: ...Style! As in "bakery-style" buns! T-Rex: This word "style" promises authenticity but delivers the cruelest of approximations. This is the same "style" you'll see in when I offer "enthusiastic-style kisses", "food-style protein digestibles", or when you discover your bakery-style buns were baked by an AUTOMATON with a CONVEYER-BELT OVEN MOUTH and PRESSURE DIAL eyes. T-Rex: ...which is actually awesome, so um, let's put this one down in the "actually awesome" column. Utahraptor: What about self comparatives? That's where something is pitched as "30% less fat", but it's still fatty! Utahraptor: It's just got less fat than the manufacturers own, comparatively fattier product. T-Rex: That's me punching you in the face, saying "Try my other fist, now with 30% less fat!" and then punching you again! ..Which is also rad. Huh. I guess I like THIS ad slogan too! Narrator: LATER, T-REX IS UPDATING HIS DATING PROFILES: T-Rex: "I can't stay upset around analogies involving robots OR fight scenes." T-Rex: Man! T-Rex (punchline): Colour me dateable!!

close the door! somebody's analogously eating in here!!

T-Rex: As a gentleman who is not afraid to say what we're all thinking, I'm going to say what we're all thinking. T-Rex: Guys! We totally need a new analogy for sex! T-Rex: The one we have now is BROKEN. Sex as hunger? Okay, it works with "sexual appetite" and it works in that you want sex, and then you have sex, and then you're like, man, that's all the sex *I* can handle, and then in a little while you start to get the munchies for sex again. But that's it! Utahraptor: Sounds like a good analogy to me! T-Rex: But it's totally not! T-Rex: I can die if I don't get any food, but if I don't get any sex, then I just - keep on keepin' on? Also if I'm hungry, I can't lock myself in a room and satisfy my hunger with my own food that's BASICALLY almost as good as the genuine item. Utahraptor: Food that you - produce yourself? Off panel: Food that the Catholic church really doesn't want you to - eat? T-Rex: Hah hah, ewwwww! Gross!! T-Rex (punchline): Seriously though, there are problems with the analogy.