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so it turns out god could be talking about having all the identification you need, or having all the primitive instincts and energies underlying all psychic activity you need

God: HEY T-REX THE NEXT TIME SOMEBODY ASKS YOU FOR ID YOU SHOULD PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND SAY THIS IS ALL THE ID I NEED T-Rex: Genius; only I don't wear pants! T-Rex: You know that, God. God: OKAY WELL IF YOU WORE PANTS IT WOULD WORK REALLY WELL ON ALL SORTS OF THINGS God: THIS IS ALL THE THESIS DEFENSE I NEED God: THIS IS ALL THE BIKE HELMET I NEED God: THAT SORT OF THING God: OH MAN God: I CRACK MYSELF UP SOMETIMES T-Rex: Listen, God- Utahraptor: T-Rex? T-Rex: Utahraptor, am I glad to see you! Listen, can you explain to God that His joke would be funny if we wore pants, but we don't wear pants, so He can stop talking about it? Utahraptor: I'd like to, but I don't believe in your God! I think he's all in your head. T-Rex (punchline): Well?! God: HUH

And I Believe It Also Works If He's Got A Shrink Ray

Narrator: T-REX IS IN A WAITING ROOM: T-Rex: This magazine is in Polish. I can't read this. T-Rex: BUT I CAN TRY!! Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, let me tell you a story. Once I was playing an online game, and you couldn't move when you were typing messages to the other players. I was about to say something when I got shot at, so I pounded the keyboard (AS IS MY WONT), hit enter, and returned fire! Dromiceiomimus: Amazing story, T-Rex. T-Rex: Whoah!! It's EVEN BETTER when you hear the amazing part!! Utahraptor: So what's the amazing part? T-Rex: The guy stopped firing and typed "u speak polish??" Utahraptor: So what did you do? T-Rex: I said yes, since clearly I just did! Utahraptor: And what did he do? T-Rex: He wrote me something! It was in what I assume was Polish!! T-Rex: So I replied "haha okay" and shot him in the head. I call it, "The Time I Accidentally Spoke Polish To A Dude"! T-Rex: ALSO KNOWN AS: T-Rex (punchline): "I Wish I Remembered What I Said, As It Can Stop An Angry Polish-Speaking Man Wielding A Rocket Launcher In His Tracks"

a dr. mcninja crossover? mos def, i even called chris to make sure that it was 100% SUPER CANON

T-Rex: "Things I could've done by now if I'd dedicated more time towards them", a list by me, T-Rex. T-Rex: Ahem. T-Rex: I could've started a family or three, either in series OR in parallel! T-Rex: I could've travelled the world! I could've become good if not great at any number of instruments, painted beautiful things, entered the space program, learned new languages, advanced our knowledge of the universe, or embarked on ANY NUMBER of different careers! T-Rex: Wow! T-Rex: I honestly did not expect the list to be this depressing! Utahraptor: But there's always gonna be more things you could've done than things you did! You're comparing many to one! Utahraptor: That's not a fair comparison, T-Rex. T-Rex: Holy crap, you're right! So what you're saying is... the sum of mes across the multiverse will always be more awesome than in one individual timeline?? Utahraptor: Right! You all add up to a pretty great guy. Narrator: PARALLEL UNIVERSE DX-5326: T-Rex: So what you're saying is... the other mes across the multiverse are DRAGGING DOWN THE FRIGGIN' AVERAGE?? Man! Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered inventing jetpacks so that we can hunt humans from jetpacks! T-Rex (punchline): Also, the humans get jetpacks.

sadly, he was talking to GOD there

T-Rex: Okay, I've memorized everyone's names and will never mess up again. T-Rex: I am a new man, cats and kittens! T-Rex: "Dromiceiomimus". Your name is "Dromiceiomimus". Dromiceiomimus: Thanks, T-Rex! T-Rex: No problem! Watch this: I'm going to nail Utahraptor's name too. Utahraptor: You already did! T-Rex: ANOTHER success for Team T-Rex! Utahraptor: Yes! You certainly are recognizing objects, something most children do in their first few months. T-Rex: Hey. Listen. If you keep up this negativity, I'm going to STOP my constant mantra of "Utahraptor is the orange one". I'll replace it, I swear. Utahraptor: With wh- Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: "Just dance! Gonna be okay: da da doo-doo-mmm / Just dance! Spin that record babe: da da doo-doo-mmm" T-Rex (punchline): No regrets, Lady Gaga!!

THE EASILY-DISTRACTED DINOSAUR COMICS PLAYERS WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE EVE EVE

T-Rex: If the Eskimos have 500 words for snow, then surely we in our internet-stuff age should have 1000 words for "meh"! God: T-REX THAT LINGUISTIC PREMISE IS ACTUALLY FULL OF LIES T-Rex: *gasp* God: YOU PULLED THAT NUMBER OUT OF THE AIR AND THERE'S NO ONE ESKIMO LANGUAGE BUT RATHER AN ESKIMO-ALEUT LANGUAGE FAMILY WHICH BUILDS COMPOUND NOUNS OUT OF WHAT YOU'D CALL A PHRASE God: SO YOU SAY HARD ICY SNOW AND AN INUIT SPEAKER SAYS THE SAME THING ONLY JUST WITH FEWER SPACES God: CALLING IT A UNIQUE WORD WITHOUT ADDRESSING THE WORD BOUNDARY ISSUES IS MISLEADING AT BEST God: GAME SET AND MATCH BABY T-Rex: Oooh look at me, I'm God, I know language stuff! God: I KNOW ALL OF THE STUFFS Utahraptor: Whoah! Utahraptor: You're making fun of God? Is that not... THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME?? T-Rex: No, that's hunting dinosaurs. Well, I mean, folks used to say humans were the most dangerous game, but humans don't have claws. Utahraptor: Check mine out! Rar. T-Rex: I've got some good ones too! Snikt! They don't make that sound on their own so I have to say it out loud. T-Rex (punchline): Sometimes life is full of compromises, you know?

in case you're wondering, the next lyric is PARTY PARTY PARTY HARD / I VIEW PARTYING WITH / FOND REGARD

T-Rex: Ah, what a busy day. Time for me to go to bed and be naked and unconscious for, oh, about eight hours! [music comes from above, with text rotated by 90°] Music: Party party party hard Music: Party in a dude's backyard Music: Party party party nice Music: Party hard to be precise Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: So there I was, lying in my bed, ALMOST ASLEEP, and this terrible techno music starts blasting! It wasn't even good techno. It was terrible. It was so loud that even when I closed my window I could still hear it! Incidentally, I was lying on my back, so that if the words were rendered visually, they would appear to be sideways. Dromiceiomimus: Of course!! T-Rex: My window's at the head of my bed so that's where the words would come from. Utahraptor: I get it! T-Rex: Anyway THE POINT is that I came up with an elaborate revenge scheme in case it ever happens again. Utahraptor: What is it? T-Rex: It's so obvious! I'm going to learn how to throw knives at distance such that they can cut speaker wires! Narrator: A FEW MONTHS LATER: Off panel: Hey, our terrible techno music stopped! T-Rex (punchline): KNIFE to meet you, gentlemen!! Sorry if I flew off the HANDLE. And now, I BLADE you adieu! Off panel: Guys!! Nobody but the guy who did it could make such puns!

the future is a vast cosmic bun of events, and each sesame seed on the top is a new and most sincere usage of the word "frig"

T-Rex: What's that, computer? Updates are available to be installed? T-Rex: FRIG YES T-Rex: I love friggin' updates! Why doesn't my computer do everything perfectly right now? Because if it did, I wouldn't get the joy of friggin' updating all the time! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe something that used to work won't work anymore! T-Rex: FRIG that'd be awesome. I love fixing stuff I didn't even break!! Utahraptor: Did you hear that friggin' updates are available to be installed, T-Rex? T-Rex: I sure friggin' did!! T-Rex: We'll be saying this when we're 50 years old, you know. We'll still be installing friggin' updates. Utahraptor: Or maybe updates will be installed without even telling us, so when things break it'll be a big surprise each time with no friggin' discernable cause! T-Rex: Oh frig! I think the future just got awesome! Off panel: Frig, right? T-Rex (punchline): For a second there, I was worried the future wouldn't have the word "frig" written all over it!!

actually pretty happy with my quantum erotica, feeling like i have hit a new level in out of context panel 2s that will be useful for the randomizer

T-Rex: Some people think pornography is bad, since when they see it they get offended and say "That's way too explicit. SHEESH!" With that in mind, I've come up with something special: pornography for them! But it's also - T-Rex: Pornography for everyone! T-Rex: Obviously, you can't control how explicit images are, since they're set. But, you CAN control how explicit text is, since any images there are imagined by the reader. So all you need to do is craft sexy fiction that relies on the reader generating any eroticism in the scene! That way, they only have themselves to blame if they imagine something they think is way too sexy. Utahraptor: I'd like to see an example! T-Rex: Of course! T-Rex: "Pat and Alex had some sort of relationship. One time they were expressing it physically - in a remarkable way! Their location: erotic. Upon seeing it a third party would likely say "How are they... wow. Just - wow." Utahraptor: That's not very erotic. T-Rex: You criticize only your own imagination! T-Rex: Did you even NOTICE how I used names that work for both men and woman? It is QUANTUM EROTICA, at once straight, lesbian, gay and other, which only collapses into one sexuality upon being observed by the reader! T-Rex (punchline): Honestly! Sometimes I wonder how I'm not more famous!

this comic is inspired by the time i shoved apples into my mouth and in that moment i knew i was ALIVE

T-Rex: Here are some things that DEFINITELY won't fit into my mouth. I tried! They won't fit. T-Rex: First off: dog breederies, solar panel processing plants, and giant cubes! T-Rex: Also: twenty cars on a stick. Sound stages, every library (individually AND en masse), medium-sized cubes that are still pretty big, lakes, beer-flavoured lakes, and beer-flavoured lakes in Minnesota. Dromiceiomimus: I know for a fact that one of those doesn't exist, T-Rex! T-Rex: Doesn't exist in my mouth, that is!! Because it's too big? Utahraptor: Not much to talk about today, huh? T-Rex: What? There's plenty to talk about! Utahraptor: It's just, YESTERDAY you had some neat ideas about knowledge and existence, and today you're all "here are some things that don't fit in my big ol' mouth" and you're TOTALLY LYING about trying them; I can tell. T-Rex: They dovetail together nicely. Utahraptor: I don't see how! Narrator: T-REX EXPLAINS: Off panel: Ah, that makes perfect sense! Thanks, T-Rex! Now I know how digital timers work. T-Rex: You're welcome! T-Rex (punchline): Now, HERE'S how putting the things in my mouth ties in with existence...

PEACE

Narrator: LISTEN I DON'T THINK THIS DATE IS GOING VERY WELL Narrator: a comic to be used on dates that aren't going very well T-Rex: Hey, thanks for reading this piece of paper I just slid across the table to you! T-Rex: By the time you look up - and you just looked up, I know - I'll be gone, or at least running out the door. You see, I didn't think this date was going well and so I bailed. T-Rex: By passing you this note. T-Rex: That somebody else wrote. T-Rex: THAT I PRINTED OUT IN ADVANCE JUST IN CASE. Utahraptor: Really, this is good news for you! T-Rex: Really good news! Great news!! T-Rex: You wouldn't want to be with someone with social skills like this, right? Consider this a time-saver. You dodged a bullet. Utahraptor: The only way this could be better is if you dated someone cool AND adult enough to tackle their feelings head on. T-Rex and Utahraptor: Oh well!! T-Rex: Dating, am I right? Well, you know what they say: T-Rex (punchline): "I'm not particularly good at it!!"

IN TWO THOUSAND AND SIX, PEOPLE WILL JUST TELL EACH OTHER WHEN JOKES ARE AWESOME

Narrator: INCORRECT HOMOPHONE COMICS T-Rex: Two words that are homophones sound the same but mean different things! T-Rex: For instance: the word "awful" (really bad) and the word "offal" (butchered entrails)! T-Rex: To begin: my stomping on this manner is a sorted little affair! Take soulless in the fact that at leased ewe are knot being chaste as well! Dromiceiomimus: Why don't you chews to do something else? That would be good gnus to me! T-Rex: I will here nun of it! Utahraptor: I don't get it! T-Rex: I'm saying weird homophones! Utahraptor: Yeah, but you're not writing them down, so it sounds normal. Pretty normal, anyway. It sounds a little like you're speaking with a weird accent. T-Rex (punchline): I was speaking in hilariously inappropriate homophones! IT WAS EXTREMELY HILARIOUS. Narrator: THE END

if you have purchased these mugs and given them to two different dads then you are only contributing to world's greatest dad grade inflation (wgdgi) ("wigdeegee") ("wigdiggy")

Narrator: TIPS ON FATHERHOOD from a man who has never been a father T-Rex: That's me, baby!! T-Rex: If you're a father you need to be rad, okay?? T-Rex: And then you need you make sure your child grows up to be EVEN RADDER THAN YOU, because that way we all get more rad as time goes on. And that's something we all can enjoy! Dromiceiomimus: These aren't very practical tips, T-Rex! T-Rex: Um, NAME ONE SITUATION IN WHICH RADNESS ISN'T PRACTICAL?? Utahraptor: Let us say that we agree radness is practical in all situations. T-Rex: Yes! LET US. Utahraptor: But I think what Dromiceiomimus was getting at is if you're a father, being told to "be rad" isn't very pragmatic. Let's hear some clear, concise tips on how to be a rad father! How do we get to that finish line? T-Rex: Oh-kay! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Okay! Utahraptor, you know those "#1 Dad" mugs? They make thousands of those. You can buy them in bulk. Off panel: So? T-Rex: So the only tip I've got is this! T-Rex (punchline): DUE TO CONTINUAL MISMANAGEMENT, I'm not sure the award has any meaning left

first draft had t-rex worried about an asteroid impact, but then i was like, TOO SOON, TOO SOON

T-Rex: Which dude spent their weekend painting themselves into all the famous works of art? T-Rex: Oh snap!! T-Rex: I'm pretty sure it was this dude!! T-Rex: Is that ME sitting at the last supper? I believe it is! Is that me poking my head in front of the Mona Lisa, obscuring her face entirely? COULD THAT HANDSOME VISAGE BELONG TO ANYONE ELSE? Dromiceiomimus: You painted yourse- T-Rex: Is that ME playing poker with dogs? Yes! Is that me riding the backseat of a rearing horse with Napoleon? IT MOST DEFINITELY IS SUPPOSED TO BE. Utahraptor: Let me guess: you did this to teach yourself painting? T-Rex: Yep! Partially! T-Rex: The other reason is that I know this guy with a fallout shelter, so I'm giving him the paintings. That way in the case of NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE, future remnants of civilization may have only my paintings to go off of. Utahraptor: ...And eventually they'll think you're this really great, important guy! T-Rex: Precisely!! I figure, sheesh, SOMETHING good has to come out of nuclear apocalypse, you know? T-Rex (punchline): For me, I mean

if you get turned on by watermelons then that's weird and also HAVE I GOT A COMIC FOR YOU

Devil: T-REX I'LL WAGER YOU EVERYTHING COULD BE MADE BETTER WITH A DIFFERENT NAME Devil: FOR EXAMPLE MMORPGS COULD BE REFERRED TO AS FIRM AND SEXY SAUCE Devil: ON ACCOUNT OF HOW THEY ARE ALREADY THAT T-Rex: I got it, yeah! T-Rex: But come on, how are MMORPGS "firm and sexy sauce"? They're clearly less "firm and sexy" and more "online role playing games that charge by the month and never end". Devil: MMM Devil: WHAT COULD BE SEXIER THAN THAT T-Rex: Alright!! I'm done with this conversation! Utahraptor: Done with which conversation, T-Rex? T-Rex: Done with talking to the Devil! SO DONE. T-Rex: We were talking about naming things, which was fine, actually, but then he used THAT to segue into what turns him on. I don't want to know that! That's gross and unwarranted. Utahraptor: You know what turns me on? T-Rex (punchline): NO! AND I DON'T WANT TO. Utahraptor: [tiny] watermelons Narrator: HAPPY "TELL YOUR BEST FRIEND WHAT TURNS YOU ON" DAY Narrator: the holiday for people with Not Enough Problems

secrets of the cpu designer profession: just give up

T-Rex: In today's society, knowing a little about computers can go a long way! They're not magic boxes. In fact, the more you learn about them the less magical they'll be! T-Rex: Soon you'll be staring at an obscure compiler error and no magic will be left in the world! Dromiceiomimus: Are you starting with object-oriented development or structured programming? And either way, how are you introducing declaration scope and abstractions? T-Rex: I thought I'd actually start with logic gates, and build up to simple machine languages from that? Dromiceiomimus: Hmm... maybe start with functional programming, so state isn't a concern? Utahraptor: Computers: more complicated than they seem? T-Rex: NO, DON'T SAY THAT! T-Rex: People don't learn about computers because they worry it'll be hard, and if word gets out that they're actually machines so incredibly complex that the last CPU to be designed without other computers helping us was the 386 processor back in 1985, then we're DOOMED. T-Rex: I'm serious! Don't tell a soul that current processors are so complex that we literally cannot fully understand them, and engineers work in teams where each only understands a little bit at a time!! T-Rex (punchline): BECAUSE OTHERWISE, AS I SAY, WE ARE ALL TOTALLY DOOMED

DID YOU KNOW: if shakespeare had invented lazering dudes and used it in his stories then everything would be better without exception

T-Rex: As a man who has read SEVERAL books, I am fully qualified to give you Narrator: EVEN MORE TIPS ON WRITING T-Rex: Okay so here is what people care about: plot. Sometimes people say they care about characters and character studies and studying characters, but they're kidding themselves because you know what characters do? PLOT. Dromiceiomimus: They "do plot"? T-Rex: THEY DO PLOT. Utahraptor: So give us some tips on writing plot! T-Rex: No problem! T-Rex: Have cool stuff happen, make the cool stuff awesome too, and it's always neat when dudes get lazered. Ooh! Or explode. Nobody has ever said a bad thing about a story where lazered dudes explode. Utahraptor: I'll do it: "that lazer dude story needed better characterization." T-Rex: *gasp* Off panel: Lazered dudes are not as relatable as romantic comedy! T-Rex: *GAAASP* Off panel: Lazer dudes stories can not compare to even the LESSER works of Shakespeare! T-Rex: *GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP* T-Rex: *cough* T-Rex (punchline): Why are you doing this to me

file "mediocracy" under "puns invented while trying to figure out how to properly spell a word", an august list (also imagine we're in august for another free pun)

T-Rex: [thinks] Cramming chocolate bars into ice cream T-Rex: OMG, that's a brilliant idea! T-Rex: OMG, what if that's my last brilliant idea? What if I just honestly had my last great idea, and from here on out it's all duds?? Dromiceiomimus: I don't think that's likely, T-Rex. T-Rex: Because it's more likely I'll have INFINITY good ideas? I'll just be a good idea factory until my body GIVES OUT from the stress of CONSTANT BRILLIANCE?? Utahraptor: Dude, calm down! T-Rex (punchline): AHHHHHHHHH Utahraptor: You might've had your last BRILLIANT idea, but you've still got your Just Okay ideas! You'll be able to milk those for a while. And when you're done, there'll always be your Bad Ideas, your Terrible Ideas, your Ideas That A Baby Could Come Up With And That Same Baby Would Be Driven To Dismiss Them As Stupid. [T-Rex's dating profile] Dating profile: ABOUT ME: Dating profile: ON A TYPICAL FRIDAY NIGHT I AM: Sliding into mediocrity Dating profile: I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT: don't set up dating profiles when you're sad because i Dating profile: YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME IF: found out it doesn't really help

well, it seems we both have QUESTIONS

T-Rex: It turns out there actually is a disease where you cry all the time! Dacryorrhea! I made it up but it already exists. T-Rex: This is not the first time this has happened! T-Rex: There's TONS of horrible diseases that sound like they're just made up by somebody, but actually do exist. Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva, in which connective tissue becomes bone, freezing a person in place! The Capgras delusion, in which loved ones appear to you to be replaced by identical impostors! And these are just the two I know about. T-Rex: And THEN, there's the diseases that are familiar because they're so common, but still messed up! Utahraptor: Such as? T-Rex: Man, Alzheimer's? I mean, I know this disease has always been an issue for me, but it's so terrible. And honestly, it sounds like it's something out of bad fiction. It's ridiculous on the same level as "always cries". It shouldn't happen. Utahraptor: I don't know what to tell you, man! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: God, how come we live in a world where all these awful diseases exist? God: T-REX HOW COME YOU WALK AROUND THE DOWNTOWN CORE NAKED T-Rex (punchline): Man! These two questions better not have the same answer!!

let's see where you're going with this, burger king

T-Rex: So it turns out there's this "space treaty" that all these nations signed, saying none of them would ever claim ownership over moons or other planets. They've declared celestial bodies as common heritage for all sentient species! T-Rex: Good for you, nations! T-Rex: I didn't sign that treaty, nations!! Dromiceiomimus: HOLLA Utahraptor: But you're a citizen of a nation that signed it! T-Rex: Possibly? I GUESS?? Utahraptor: My point is: if for some reason a nation took an ownership claim of yours seriously, they'd have a valid way to pressure your government to make you fall in line! You could go to jail. T-Rex: I could cause an INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT?? Utahraptor: Yes but that's not necessarily a good thi- Narrator: THIRTY SECONDS LATER: T-Rex: Hello, government? This is T-Rex on speakerphone. I hereby claim ownership to ALL the other planets! You can look at them with telescopes if you want. Off panel: Sir, this is Burger King, home of the Whopper. T-Rex (punchline): ...Go on

if you're looking to set yourself up for a fall, you should go around telling people how you plan to remain sane. then if you go crazy later on, oh wow! everyone will say 'remember how truly intent he used to be on remaining sane? how ironic.'

T-Rex: I have the best idea ever for a series of books! Oh MAN. I'll be rich and famous! T-Rex: Two words: T-Rex: Shakespeare prequels! T-Rex: Cha-ching! It's great, because everyone loves Shakespeare AND ALSO finding out what characters were up to before they got interesting. It'll be Hamlet, only he's happy and well-adjusted, walking around saying "I certainly hope my father doesn't get murdered! InDEED!" and then Ophelia says "That's right, baby! I, incidentally, plan to remain sane." and then there's IRONY. Shakespeare fans love irony! Utahraptor: So it's just Hamlet? T-Rex: No way dude! T-Rex: It's ALL the famous plays. All's Well that Begins Well! Prince Lear! Romeo and Juliet Babies! That one's Romeo and Juliet, only they're tiny and smelly. Utahraptor: That one actually sounds really awesome. T-Rex: I know! Narrator: SOON, T-REX IS PITCHING HIS IDEA TO A PUBLISHER: T-Rex: "For never was a story of more woe / Than this of Baby Juliet and her Baby Romeo". Off panel: I'm sorry? T-Rex (punchline): Star-cross'd babies!

vampire day is a holiday t-rex invented where you all dress up as vampires and get bitey. it did not survive the cretaceous-tertiary extinction event?

T-Rex: The worst part of owning a cape is having to find excuses to wear it. Narrator: T-REX HAS A CAPE Narrator: LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS T-Rex: Luckily, I am just the dude to manufacture such excuses! I have the perfect plan. Since it sucks to be the only dude in the room wearing a cape, I will simply start telling people that EXISTING holidays are now cape-wearing holidays. Like... Thanksgiving! Dromiceiomimus: Thanksgiving? T-Rex: Yes! It is now a day to give thanks AND wear stylish outmoded fashions. Narrator: NOW IT'S THANKSGIVING! Utahraptor: You forgot to wear your stupid cape, T-Rex! T-Rex: Aw damn!! T-Rex: But YOU forgot to wear it too, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: Yeah, but I was never going to. T-Rex: Well! I certainly hope you'll change your mind for VAMPIRE DAY next week. I'm DEFINITELY not forgetting my cape for that! Narrator: NOW IT'S VAMPIRE DAY! T-Rex (punchline): Aw damn!!

maslow: more than poop jokes? we may never know.

T-Rex: Maslow was a dude who put all of our needs and desires into a hierarchy! The whole idea was that you can't satisfy any desire at the top of the hierarchy until you satisfy those beneath it. T-Rex: Nice going, Maslow! T-Rex: At the top is SELF ACTUALIZATION, which sounds pretty great, right? Except you can't get there unless you've already satisfied the level beneath it, which is esteem. And you don't get esteem - both self and from others - without relationships, and you don't worry about friggin' relationships until your basic safety needs are met. And finally, you don't worry about basic safety if you need to poop! Utahraptor: "You don't worry about basic safety if you need to poop." T-Rex: Maslow said it, not me! T-Rex: Well, he said the gist of it. Utahraptor: He did, did he? T-Rex: Okay, no, but he DID come up with the theoretical framework that allows a phrase such as mine to be reasonably constructed in a meaningful context. T-Rex: Don't look at me like that, Utahraptor! If my life's work is only used by some guy decades down the line to crack wise about poopin', I'll count myself as one lucky dude with one awesome legacy. T-Rex (punchline): I set 'em up, future generations knock 'em down!

t-rex would have said "oh no! are those ALLEGED criminals breaking into my house", but they were already wearing domino masks and carrying a laundry bag with a dollar sign on it

T-Rex: Not enough things glow in the dark. T-Rex: That's right! I said it!! T-Rex: Not enough things glow in the dark, AND, the things that glow in the dark don't glow in the dark for long enough. Even if I had a glow-in-the-dark skull it would only glow for like, two minutes. That is only two kinds of spooky: spookily sucky and spookily DISAPPOINTING. T-Rex: All I ever wanted is a plastic skull that lights up in the dark, so that in the dark, everyone can see my spooky plastic skull! Utahraptor: This sounds like a battery problem, T-Rex! T-Rex: Alright, fine, so it's a battery problem! Utahraptor: But the issue is that batteries are hard to design: you want to store large amounts of energy for cheap, but you also don't want them to, you know, explode. It's tricky! T-Rex: I don't need a laptop battery! All I want is a spooky skull, so that when criminals break into my house, they see a grim visage of things to come. Narrator: LAST NIGHT: T-Rex: [thinks] Oh no! Are those criminals breaking into my house?! Off panel: We're criminals, but we're afraid of skulls. Lucky thing it's dark, because even if there were some here, we wouldn't see them! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Nooooooooo

there's ghost crimes, and then there's illegal ghost crimes, and it would behove you to remember the difference

T-Rex: So it's June 21st, 1931 and Lieutenant Hubert G. Chevis is about to dine on a meal of Manchurian partridge with his wife! T-Rex: Apparently it is Old-Timey Stereotype Day for Lieutenant Hubert Chevis! T-Rex: So Hubert takes a few bites and says "This is gross; try it, it's gross" and his wife licks it and says "Yeah, gross" and so they direct their culinary staff to incinerate the partridges. T-Rex: Because it's Old-Timey Stereotype Day, remember? T-Rex: And then within hours Hubert is dead of strychnine poisoning and his wife is super sick! T-Rex: Three days later, Hubert's dad gets a telegram that reads simply "HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY". Utahraptor: So creepy! T-Rex: Isn't it? It was signed "J. HARTIGAN", but nobody around had that name. Someone with his description HAD bought strychnine from a pharmacy a few weeks back though. Utahraptor: Pharmacies sold... poison? T-Rex: Old-Timey Stereotype Day was apparently a month-long event!! T-Rex: But the spookiest part? The killer is almost certainly dead now, and that means that according to SOME theories of the afterlife, he's now a ghost committing ILLEGAL GHOST CRIMES!! T-Rex (punchline): Wait no that's the dumbest part; frig I get those two confused like ALL THE TIME

ex-girlfriends, please! one at a time!

T-Rex: So - dating ex-girlfriends? I've heard this can be a bad idea, but I don't know... T-Rex: What's the worst that could happen?! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, assuming you and the lady friend broke up for a reason, won't these problems still be there? T-Rex: Maybe, but I don't think so! We're different, more mature people now, and if we make sure it's more casual - less high expectations, less intense - I really think it could work! Utahraptor: More casual, eh? More like more casual KISSING, probably! T-Rex: No! T-Rex: I've really tried to separate sex from it. I don't know. I'd just like to try it again: hanging out, doing things together, having fun, only now with a non-zero chance of smooches! Utahraptor: You think it could be different? T-Rex: I really do! Narrator: THIS LEADS TO SEVERAL MUTUALLY-SATISFACTORY, CONSEQUENCE-FREE MAKEOUTS WITH EX-GIRLFRIENDS: T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): How AGREEABLE.

MY UNSTOPPABLE FUSION BEAMS AND CAR-CRUSHING CLAWS ARE EXTREMELY INTERESTED IN YOUR OPINION OF WHAT'S IRONY AND WHAT ISN'T

T-Rex: I know tons about my favourite fictional characters. I can talk about them at length! T-Rex: And I do! I really do! T-Rex: But I don't know anything about what's going on with my body!! T-Rex: I'm serious. If purple poops start coming out of this bad boy tomorrow morning, I will have NO IDEA what's wrong. All I'll be able to do is walk into a doctor's office and say, "Sup? Listen, purple poops are coming out of my bum: awesome, or cause for concern? Here's some money, so let me know!" Dromiceiomimus: That's what we have doctors for, T-Rex! They let us know our problems for money! T-Rex: But that's my point! We ALL have bodies! Utahraptor: So we... should all be doctors? T-Rex: Yes! Shouldn't we? If you were a robot, wouldn't you store a copy of your blueprints and repair manual in your cyber brain somewhere? Doesn't that just seem... REASONABLE? Utahraptor: Man! If I were a robot, a lot of things would be different. Urahraptor: [starts daydreaming] [Utahraptor's daydream] Off panel: GREETINGS T-REX // I AM YOUR FRIEND UTAHROBOTER T-Rex (punchline): I'm made of meat, so I get weaker AND forgetful as I get older!! Off panel: YET I WILL LIVE FOREVER // HOW IRONIC Off panel: IRON-IC // GET IT Off panel: FUN FACT // I WAS ALSO PROGRAMMED FOR JOKES

YOU WANNA COME OVER AND HAVE A GREAT TIME THAT I FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT THE NEXT MORNING BECAUSE IF SO I AM *SO DOWN*

Off panel: Hello, my name is Art! T-Rex: OH MY GOSH ARE YOU ART PERSONIFIED, THE VERY ESSENCE OF PAINTINGS, SCULPTURE, AND MUSIC GIVEN FORM?? Off panel: No, my name is just "Art". T-Rex: OH MY GOSH Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: And then he tried to say that it was short for "Arthur" and I said "Oh okay, like when people go to museums to look at Visual Arthur" and he got mad and left. Dromiceiomimus: Cool story, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's the coolest, I know!! It's so cool! Utahraptor: T-Rex, what if instead of a man named "Art" there was a woman named... "Science"? T-Rex: AHHHHH T-Rex: If I met a lady named Science I would be SO INTO HER. She'd get spillover love just because her name reminds me of something I already like! We couldn't NOT be friends! Utahraptor: Well, unless she didn't like you. T-Rex: Hah! Narrator: LATER, T-REX MEETS A WOMAN NAMED "HAMBURGER BUFFET": T-Rex: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH T-Rex (punchline): BABY YOU WANNA COME OVER AND WATCH A MOVIE OR WHAT

those of you with similar emotional problems might also want to take utahraptor's extremely good advice (not pictured!)

T-Rex: This is crazy. I shouldn't be this bothered by something so small. We're adults! Dromiceiomimus doesn't have to bring me back anything! She never did in the past. T-Rex: Why is this bothering me so much? Narrator: LATER. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I wanted to talk to you because I'm - um, I'm a little upset that you didn't bring me back anything from Australasia. Dromiceiomimus: What? T-Rex: I know, it's dumb! But I keep thinking about it and I thought you should know. Dromiceiomimus: Well... what do you want me to do about it, T-Rex? Narrator: LATER. T-Rex: MAN, that is the LAST TIME I ever talk about feelings! Utahraptor: What happened? T-Rex: I was disappointed that Dromiceiomimus didn't get me anything from her trip, and that feeling had been lingering. OKAY. But, instead of IGNORING my feelings like I always do, BURYING them, GIVING THEM A CLASSY FUNERAL, I talked to her and now she probably thinks I'm crazy! ARGH! Utahraptor: Well... Narrator: LATER. T-Rex (punchline): You know what? Maybe I WILL take Utahraptor's extremely good advice (not pictured!)

or, MORE ACCURATELY, I guess sometimes other people are funny before I get a chance to be. kind of a dick move if you ask me

T-Rex: I have cooked up the best pizza ever. It is my pièce de résistance! God: WITH YOUR TERRIBLE FRENCH ACCENT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE SAYING "MY PIZZA RESISTANCE" T-Rex: Oh my GOSH I need to open a pizza place called "Pizza Resistance"!! T-Rex: Even if people don't get that most rare and pleasurable of jokes (the multilingual pun), it still sounds awesome: the pizza resistance! They probably have pizza guns!! Dromiceiomimus: And they're probably really happy about having a gun that shoots pizzas! T-Rex: Heck, I know I would be. Utahraptor: There's already a place called that two towns over, T-Rex! T-Rex: Seriously? T-Rex: Ah well, no bigs. I'll just start a brewery called "Responsibly". Then when other people advertise beers and put "Please Drink Responsibly" at the bottom of their ads, suddenly they're advertising for ME instead! Utahraptor: That's been done before too. T-Rex: REALLY? T-Rex: Huh! I guess SOMETIMES other people are funny too? T-Rex: Huh. T-Rex (punchline): Weirrrrd

CAN I GET A WHAT WHAT / UM I MEAN CAN A WHAT WHAT BE GIFTED UNTO ME

God: T-REX WHAT IF YOU HAD ONE WISH T-Rex: I hack it so that I get mo- God: AND THERE WAS NO WAY TO HACK IT SO YOU GET MORE WISHES T-Rex: Truly impossible!! T-Rex: Finding ways to wish for more wishes is like computer hacking (looking for oversights in systems) combined with linguistics (talking with words or whatever) and those are like my two major interests! YOU CAN'T KEEP ME OUT. God: DUDE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PROGRAM IT SO A HORSE CAN FIRE A MISSILE T-Rex: ... T-Rex: doesn't mean i'm not interested in it though Utahraptor: You can still do a lot with one wish! World peace, clean energy... T-Rex: Okay, okay! FINE. T-Rex: I wish for - God: DUDE I WASN'T OFFERING YOU A WISH I WAS ASKING WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH MINE T-Rex (punchline): You get - wishes? God: I GET IT ALL BABY God: HOLLAAAAA

it's an old idea, Theophrastus wrote just such a book in 319 BC and included such wacky types as "The Garrulous Man", "The Man without Moral Feeling" and "The Basely Covetous Man"! PRO TIP: any of these names would work easily as the title of a kick-ass action movie

T-Rex: A sassy cat! FROM SPACE. A sassy cat from space who has an eye patch with a skull and crossbones on it and who has swapped out his feet for bolted-on rocket boots! T-Rex: A sassy cat from space who reliably sports a top hat under his fishbowl helmet! T-Rex: A sassy cat from space who carries a crossbow PLUS has all those earlier properties too! That's my "Sassy Space Cat" character sketch, Dromiceiomimus! He's available for the role of title protagonist ONLY. Dromiceiomimus: You're making a list of - characters? T-Rex: Yep, a book! It's a proud tradition, long available to writers who just don't have any plots right now! Utahraptor: Really? What other characters do you have? T-Rex: SO MANY, Utahraptor! T-Rex: Does "Stern Librarian (Nonsexy)" pique your interest? Perhaps you'd be interested in "Wacky Landlord (Actually Racist)", "Sage Older Man" or "Overheated, Panting Dog"? Maybe your interests run more to "Astonished Plutocrat with Monocle", "Rapping Dickensian Orphan", or "Puking Anthropomorphized Park Slide"? T-Rex: Perhaps instead you'd like to purchase "Self-interested Bear", "Shorn Cyclist", or "BEACH BUNNY CHURCHILL"?? Off panel: Beach Bunny Churchill? T-Rex: Winston Churchill dressed as a beach bunny. T-Rex (punchline): I figure - supporting character in an historical drama?

in our timeline he went by the name Morgan Robertson, though in the Dinosaur Comics timeline he used the assumed name Dinosaur Morgan Robertson and the Titanic was built by dinosaurs and was dinosaur-sized and it was crewed by dinosaurs in little sailor outfits, OMG I can't stop thinking about this

T-Rex: Okay! HERE'S THE PLAN. T-Rex: I write a true history about how the Titanic sank! T-Rex: Then I go back in time to BEFORE the Titanic was even built, and publish my story as a thinly-fictionalized novel! You know, shorten the name to the "Titan", increase the speed of the boat a bit, throw in a few polar bears living on the iceberg that the survivors have to battle - the usual. Then I wait for the ACTUAL event and kapow: instant fame! Utahraptor: This - kinda already happened? T-Rex: NO WAY. Utahraptor: Yeah way! 14 years before Titanic sank, some dude published your story under the title "Futility, or the Wreck of the Titan". T-Rex: Whoah, this isn't a coincidence! This is PROOF of both a consistent timeline AND that I pulled off my plan! I AM TOTALLY THAT HISTORY DUDE!! Off panel: A few years after the Titanic sank he died from overdosing on ineffective syphilis medication. T-Rex: Oh. T-Rex (punchline): Awwwwwwwkwarrrrrrd

it's from the mayor you guys

T-Rex: Alright! Time to start some INTERNET BUSINESSES. T-Rex: For profits! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: easydudes.com! T-Rex: It's an easy way for you to meet new dudes! If you move to a new town and want to meet some dudes then you can go to the site and then you can meet some. On the COMPUTER! Dromiceiomimus: It sounds a little more like a service to hook people up with sexually permissive AND sexually available dudes, T-Rex! T-Rex: Drat! It DOES. Another brilliant idea ruined by a hilarious double entendre! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Okay, so my new idea is to give the homeless access to mail, email, and a phone number! Utahraptor: Nice! Utahraptor: It can be hard for the homeless to get jobs when they can't provide callback information, so this will be a useful service. Good show, T-Rex! T-Rex: Yes, thank you! I think the world will be altered positively by BumAccess4All Dot Net. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: There! Now I've got a certificate from the mayor that says I'm not allowed to name anything ever! T-Rex (punchline): THAT should finally straighten up some things around here!

aww.

T-Rex: Hmm... T-Rex: Yep, it’s certain! I can find NO DOWNSIDES with being immortal. Dromiceiomimus: What about a world-weariness that can only come from watching everyone you know and love age and die while you remain stuck in a perpetual youth? T-Rex: That’s okay! Come on: living forever? I could do anything! I could do EVERYTHING - twice! Utahraptor: But what if there’s no food, and you’re hellishly starving for an eternity? T-Rex: Could that happen?! Utahraptor: Well, I don’t see why not. T-Rex: But then, where would I be getting my energy from? T-Rex: Hmm... I guess the idea of immortality DOES clash with the scientific principles of conservation of energy. T-Rex: And so, once again, I am forced to reject a fantasy because it is based on bad science! T-Rex (punchline): (Science means that not all dreams can come true!)

this comic is probably not entirely fair to buddhism because i understand the scientific method a lot better than i understand the steps to enlightenment. if you're enlightened, um, please let me know?

God: HEY T-REX I BET YOU FIFTY BUCKS YOU CAN'T ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT IN THE BUDDHIST SENSE T-Rex: Oh, IT'S ON! Narrator: BUT SOON: T-Rex: Man! Forget discovering the true nature of reality! T-Rex: How precisely am I supposed to lose my ego and become enlightened through meditation? SAYING "PRACTICE" DOESN'T COUNT. What I want is unambiguous, non-metaphorical step-by-step instructions! Buddha is supposed to be a dude who took steps to move from unenlightened to enlightened, right? Is there any reason why the steps he took are not understandable, communicable, repeatable and verifiable? Utahraptor: I think it's probably supposed to be different for each person, maybe? T-Rex: That doesn't matter! T-Rex: Write down in detail the precise steps each person took and let me generalize across the set. I want an algorithm for enlightenment! A checklist for nirvana! Utahraptor: You - you want religious practices to be subject to the scientific method? T-Rex: Yes please! Narrator: LATER: RELIGIOUS PRACTICES STILL NOT SUBJECT TO THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD T-Rex (punchline): Excuse me, Buddhist monks? I'm gonna owe God fifty bucks if I don't get enlightened soon. Multiple off-panel voices: Dude! We get that ALL THE TIME!

don't need no credit card to ride this train

T-Rex: I'm sick and ornery! I just want to be left alone today, so give me my distance! T-Rex: With this in mind, I'm going for a walk! Dromiceiomimus: Haven't we gone over this before? Declaring yourself to be angry doesn't excuse personal responsibility, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Forget it, Dromiceiomimus! I don't want to hear anyone's voice all up in my earhole! Utahraptor: Ewwwwww! Utahraptor: "All up in my earhole"? That's disgusting! "Earhole"! Utahraptor: Man! Utahraptor: Friendship annulled! You're gross! Narrator: "The Power of Language"

Mortals writing stories about bored immortals is like when I go through a long dry spell and start writing stories about how it's not THAT great to hook up with sexy ladies! ...Utahraptor! I made myself sad two times in three days

T-Rex: You know in those stories where there's this immortal guy and they talk about how bored they are and how boring life is after 5000 years or whatever? I am going to call something. T-Rex: I am going to call SHENANIGANS. T-Rex: You know who writes those stories? MORTALS. Folks using some of their PRECIOUS, FINITE LIFE to write a made-up story in which an imaginary person keeps going on about how being immortal is actually sucky and how they're totes jealous that others get to die someday. T-Rex: Ridiculous! T-Rex: And kinda sad! Utahraptor: Dude, narratives are given meaning by their endings! They're the most important part! T-Rex: Again, ridiculous! T-Rex: Superman doesn't have an ending; he's back fighting crime every month but he's still interesting! Utahraptor: He died once! T-Rex: Yeah but it was STUPID, and it didn't take anyway. My point IS, if there's immortal people, they're learning all they can! T-Rex: They're being amazed at the world's progression, they're sexing up many people in series AND in parallel! They're not writing stories about how boring living forever is. They leave that to us "mortalies"! T-Rex (punchline): That's their racist name for us!!

DID YOU KNOW: according to wikipedia article "mozart and beethoven", there is, and i quote, "a total period of about six weeks when the two composers could have [fought]."

T-Rex: There are a bunch of classic "who would win in a fight" pairings: apples v. oranges! Star Trek v. Star Wars! Mozart v. Beethoven! Google v. Apple! T-Rex: I propose we settle this once and for all, TOURNAMENT STYLE! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, don't go to the bathroom! Star Trek is fighting Star Wars in there. Dromiceiomimus: The - franchises are fighting each other? T-Rex: Yeah!! You wanna go see? The winner has to go up against oranges! Utahraptor: Wait, oranges beat apples? T-Rex: Yes! It was awful...ly awesome!! T-Rex: And Google beat Apple, which means if oranges win, then we'll FINALLY find out once and for all who would win in a fight: Google or oranges! Utahraptor: How big are these oranges? T-Rex: FRIGGIN HUGE, my friend! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Google easily defeated some oranges!! And yet - T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): And yet, every time Gmail is down I can't help but wish it'd gone the other way

this is all i have to say about oil, except for that you shouldn't drink it, because i saw a james bond movie where a guy did that and he died!!

T-Rex: Everyone, there's no need for all this fussin' and a-feudin'! T-Rex: Oil is totally a renewable resource! T-Rex: We just have to give it time, okay? We'll all go and do something else for a while, when we come back there'll be oil EVERYWHERE. The place will be rotten with it, and then we can stuff that into our cars, okay? Utahraptor: Is this "I am technically accurate but not practical" day? T-Rex: Of course not! T-Rex: Today is "What would things be like if we had lifespans of millions of years? Guys, let's pretend" day. Utahraptor: Ah. So we're still burning through oil much faster than it's being formed. T-Rex: Only if you're not participating in today's theme!! T-Rex (punchline): Hey, since we live for millions of years, let's go make some staggeringly beautiful art that can only be created by synthesizing thousands of years of experience, hopes, fears, triumphs and failures into one transcendental expression of life! Off panel: I need to be home by 7

this one goes out to all the brothers who have taken back some of the things they've said about civilization

T-Rex: It's been what - four thousand years of civilization? Five thousand? How come we haven't solved all the problems and answered all the questions? T-Rex: I think, as a people, we have kind of dropped the ball! T-Rex: Seriously! I can't think of any revolutionary philosophical discoveries - like one that would make us all friends - that we've come across recently. Man, even DEMOCRACY was invented in Grecian times and we've just fleshed out some of the details since then. How come we haven't made any ultimate discoveries of essential truth? Utahraptor: We have, T-Rex! We have made all sorts of SCIENTIFIC discoveries. T-Rex: TRUE. T-Rex: But the big questions - why are we here, where are we going - these are left OPEN despite lifetimes of work being thrown at them! I expect nothing less than total truth and civilization has given me five thousand years of LETTING ME DOWN. Utahraptor: Civilization probably meant it personally too! Narrator: LATER, T-REX IS TRYING TO DISCOVER ESSENTIAL TRUTHS AND IT'S SO HARD: T-Rex (punchline): Man, forget this! I take back some of the things I said about civilization!

diplodocus were those huge dinosaurs with the big bodies and tiny heads. professor science is basically a diplodocus with one of those square graduation hats on him.

T-Rex: Things sure would be different if one day, the speed of light slowed down to something like half a meter per second for some reason. T-Rex: Yes indeedy! T-Rex: For one, games of hide-and-go-seek would be more complicated. Also if you were a long-distance runner, it would be difficult to run because when you went faster than light you couldn't see where you were going. Dromiceiomimus: Is that true? T-Rex: I think so. Maybe? Utahraptor: I think you'd still be able to see things, actually! T-Rex: How's that? Utahraptor: Well, light can be thought of as a particle, right? And so it's like - if rain was falling really slowly, and you were running through it, you'd hit more particles than you would if you were standing still. I think that's how it would work. T-Rex: You know what? I'm not even certain if it's possible to travel faster than light. I'm going to ask Professor Science. Off panel: Aw man, that guy's a rube! T-Rex (punchline): Dude, he's a diplodocus with one of those square graduation hats on him! WHAT IS NOT TO LIKE?

Readers! I'm lying! It's not dinosaurs that can't go 2 days without water. IT'S HUMANS!! IT WAS HUMANS ALL ALONG

T-Rex: Hey God! Quick question: how long can I live without water? God: FIVE DAYS T-Rex: SERIOUSLY? T-Rex: That's a bunch of BALONEY! T-Rex: I'm never more than a week away from death! Worse than that: I'm never more than a friggin' WORK week away from death. Baloney! God: UH ACTUALLY IT CAN DROP TO TWO OR THREE DAYS DEPENDING ON HEAT AND EXERTION T-Rex: TWO DAYS?! That's terrible! That's entirely terrible. Listen, life is stupid and I'm going to go stockpile water. Utahraptor: But 70% of the planet's surface is water! T-Rex: Yeah, but the remaining 30%? THIRSTY CHUMPS. Utahraptor: Look, calm down! You've made it this far without thirsting to death. T-Rex: I didn't know I had a sliding two-day thirst death window then! People can go WEEKS without food! Months! Two days without water is ridiculous. Utahraptor: Well, I mean, you won't last two hours without oxygen. T-Rex (punchline): AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

there is an embedded midi file of the ghostbusters theme song on endless loop. ARGUABLY, such a feature should be included on every website.

T-Rex: I am a dude with a lot of OPINIONS. Sexy opinions? T-Rex: Hells yes! T-Rex: But ALSO, all sorts of opinions, including the UNSEXY. Give me a subject, Dromiceiomimus, and I'll demonstrate! Dromiceiomimus: Okay - lemons! T-Rex: I am for them! Citrus is INSANE! Dromiceiomimus: Premarital sex! T-Rex: Well, um, you must be both prepared and careful, and decide for yourself? Utahraptor: My friend, a dude with so many opinions should have his own website, just for them! T-Rex: Oh wow! T-Rex: Can I do that? A website just for my opinions? Is that seriously allowed?? Utahraptor: I do believe so! T-Rex: Sweet!! I'm so doing it. I'm going home RIGHT NOW and making a website with all my awesome opinions! It will REVOLUTIONIZE the internet! Narrator: WALKING HOME, T-REX HAS AN EVEN BETTER IDEA: T-Rex (punchline): Oh man!! [T-Rex imagines a website] Website: [large pink] Dogs Website: DOES EVERYONE LOVE DOGS??? Website: You can eat them but you shouldn't. Website: [animated "under construction" image]

that's the kind of story that should wait until at least a second date

Narrator: HOW TO MEET NEW PEOPLE T-Rex: Meeting new people can be fun! T-Rex: It can be tiring if you are meeting a lot of new people at once, however. Here are some tips on how to meet lots of people at once: T-Rex: • Wear something that will identify you and make you easy-to-remember! I recommend a "crazy" scarf or a large disfiguring scar. T-Rex: • Listen attentively to people's names when you meet them! If their name is the same as yours, laugh! Utahraptor: I've got one! Utahraptor: • Try to remember interesting stories about yourself. Having such stories close at hand allows you both to fill in awkward gaps in conversation, and also acts to give people a quick, hopefully representative picture of yourself! T-Rex (punchline): Like when I lost someone's baby!

ever since logic was invented, it's been hard times for legendary beings.

T-Rex: Do giants exist? The answer is no, because come on, they're giants, they're so big and we would've noticed them by now. Sorry giants, but you are all fake. T-Rex: That's right, I said it! T-Rex: You are a bunch of fake-ass bros, giants!! T-Rex: But maybe INVISIBLE giants exist? Again, the answer is no: such giant weight would require giant feet, which would leave impressions in the ground visible in satellite imagery. It's kinda why we invented satellites in the first place? Dromiceiomimus: No it's not. T-Rex: FINE. It's kinda among the reasons some speculate we had for inventing satellites in the first place? Utahraptor: Okay, but what about FLYING invisible giants? T-Rex: Again, these are imaginary. T-Rex: Any living being requires energy, which means we'd notice them when they fed. And they can't be solar powered, because light's already passing through them! Therefore: fake. Utahraptor: Huh. Off panel: But maybe they absorb only a small amount of non-visible spectrum light and they live in space and that's what dark matter is?? T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex (punchline): I know just enough about science for that to be really credible!!

space restrictions in panel six forced me to cut five paragraphs of stunt description. basically it was the stunt driver pulling every stunt ever pulled, back to back, WHILE SHE PUNCHED OUT TERRORISTS WHO DESERVED IT

T-Rex: If I were impatient, I'd be a jerkier person. I'd always be hurrying people up, and people would not want to hang around me in grocery store lines. T-Rex: Furthermore, if I didn't have my sense of humour, chicks would like me less! T-Rex: Clearly, my personality is Important! It's why my friends like me. But strokes can change people's personality, and anyone can have one at BASICALLY any time! It's totally ridiculous. My body already has like five ways it can betray me for no reason that I can name off the top of my head, and those ways are called Alzheimer's, Old Age, Respiratory Failure, Heart Attacks, Terminal Boner Fever, and Dementia. IT DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER. Utahraptor: "Oooh, look at me, I'm T-Rex and I've found another way to be terrified of the future!" T-Rex: I'm not! T-Rex: I'm terrified of DYING. Totally different. Utahraptor: Most everyone else gets through life without being terrified of death, T-Rex, and some even look death in the face every day! You should talk to stunt drivers, or like, bear aggravators. You could learn from them! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Excuse me, stunt driver? Are YOU afraid of death? Off panel: The only thing I'm afraid of is NOT parachuting out of a hot air balloon, landing on a motorcycle, and jumping over 16 buses end-to-end!! EXTREME!! T-Rex (punchline): So... yes?

t-rex your first problem is you seem to think boats are what you take into space

T-Rex: When I grow up I want to be... AN ASTRONAUT! T-Rex: That's right, ladies! I'ma float in SPACE!! God: BECOMING AN ASTRONAUT TAKES YEARS OF TRAINING AND NOT ONCE HAS ANYONE EVER DECIDED TO BECOME ONE AT YOUR AGE AND SUCCEEDED T-Rex: ...Oh. T-Rex: Oh. T-Rex: Guess I missed the boat on that one, huh?? T-Rex: Guess I should just GIVE UP ON EVERYTHING, HUH?? Utahraptor: Not so fast, dude! Utahraptor: The commercial spaceflight industry is growing quickly, and there's a chance - small, but non-zero - that spaceflight will become affordable before you die. T-Rex (punchline): Sweet! Utahraptor: But that's ONLY if you die years from now AND spend all your time until then investing your money carefully. Narrator: THIS COMIC BROUGHT TO YOU BY RICH PEOPLE WHO WILL SOON BE ABLE TO GO INTO SPACE WHENEVER THEY WANT Narrator: MUST BE NICE

most of us were interested in how it all turned out

T-Rex: Today is the day, my friends! Yes! FINALLY. Today is the day! T-Rex: Today is the day we mess with people who have tattoos! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, did you hear that if you have a bird tattoo, it means that you're big into hugs? Giving, receiving, watching, it's all good to you! Dromiceiomimus: Really! Why the bird? T-Rex: It stands for "I will flip the bird RIGHT NOW to anyone who doesn't like hugs; I'm not even joking." Dromiceiomimus: Interesting! And also true! Utahraptor: I heard that tattoos with the letter "h" in them... T-Rex: ...Yes? Utahraptor: Well, I heard that an "h" in any tattoo is short for "Hey, Ask Me About My Sexual History", and a second "h" on the body is short for "Hey, Some Of It Is Personal Though, Okay?" T-Rex: And a third "h"? Utahraptor: "Hooray for the Huxtables." Narrator: NOTE FOR FUTURE PEOPLE WHO COME ACROSS THIS COMIC: T-Rex: The Huxtables were a family on a TV show. TV is what we had before we got video in our brains! And everyone who read this comic when it first came out was really great, even if we're all dead now. T-Rex (punchline): ...What's the future like?

alternate ending: everything is dust in a silent frozen universe

Narrator: CAUTIONARY TALE COMIX T-Rex: "This too shall pass!" T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: Isn't that right, Dromiceiomimus? Wealth and power and knowledge and love and friendship are all fleeting and pointless! Whoo! One day we will all be dead! Dromiceiomimus: You seem awfully cheerful about all this! T-Rex: That too shall pass! Utahraptor: Normally the saying is only applied to BAD things, T-Rex! T-Rex: It applies to all things! Utahraptor: Well, okay, but nobody wants to invite someone to a wedding whose toast is going to be "This too shall pass"! T-Rex: Man, I'm not trying to get invited to any weddings! Narrator: LATER: EVERYONE GETS INVITED TO A WEDDING EXCEPT T-REX. T-Rex: Ouch! T-Rex (punchline): For me!

t-rex is forgetting that maybe he said "grocery store" because he needed to fill up on chocolate that's shaped like someone throwing up horns, and maybe he said "whitewater raft into work" because he works as lead designer/tester down at the fireworks factory. by the rapids!

T-Rex: I have no plans for tonight. Will this TRULY be another night of staying in, solitude, and quiet contemplation of my life thus far? T-Rex: Forget that!! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, let's do something tonight! Something awesome! Dromiceiomimus: What did you have in mind? T-Rex: Something! ANYTHING. We're awesome AND we have some disposable income - why do we have dull evenings? Why aren't we taking helicopter rides to the grocery store? Why aren't we WHITE WATER RAFTING into our friggin' jobs? Utahraptor: Wow. Today is the day you become old, T-Rex! T-Rex: Not true!! Utahraptor: My friend, you took helicopter rides and white water rafting, two awesome things, and the best you could imagine to do with them was commute and buy your groceries? THOSE ARE OLD PEOPLE DREAMS. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): [small] daaaaaamn

this comic goes out to my dad, who will have whole conversations with you just so he can get you to say something that he's got a pun response prepared for. it's good times! for one person in the conversation!

T-Rex: I have come up with the ULTIMATE COMEBACK to be used on musicians! All I have to do is wait for one to put me down, and then I can be all: T-Rex: "Oh yeah? Well here in the REAL world, WE don't get to rest for 32 bars!" T-Rex: Hee hee! It's funny, Dromiceiomimus, because sometimes in a song musicians get to rest for 32 bars, while here in the real world, we don't get to do that because we're not, um - trained musicians. Dromiceiomimus: I got that, yeah! It seems like it would only work on a musician who's lazy though, right? Or who's insulting you about being lazy? T-Rex: IT WILL WORK ON ALL MUSICIANS. Just you wait! Utahraptor: Do you even know any musicians, T-Rex? T-Rex: I will soon! Utahraptor: I see! You're going to befriend some musicians, purely for the hope that one day one of them will turn out to be a jerk and insult you and then you can use your elaborate zinger on them! T-Rex: YEP! Here's a tip: it's part of the reason WE first became friends. Narrator: YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well HERE in the REAL WORLD, the rest of us don't have to raise the giant toenail of our second toe up while running to avoid damaging it! Off panel: That's a racially charged insult! T-Rex (punchline): I take it back I take it back!!

this is what happens when as you're making fun of something, you realize that doing it is actually pretty neat. ALACK.

Off panel: Hello, is Utahraptor there? T-Rex: Nope! He's still asleep. Off panel: He slumbers still?! Off panel: When he arises, inform him his friend Doug would have words with him. T-Rex: Sure thing? Narrator: BACKSTORY: UTAHRAPTOR WAS CRASHING ON THE COUCH LAST NIGHT BECAUSE IT WAS LATE AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE A CAB HOME. ALSO, DOUG KNEW ABOUT THIS. DOUG IS A FRIEND OF UTAHRAPTOR'S. HE CALLED ON SPEAKERPHONE. T-REX IS SPENDING THIS PANEL SASSING THE WAY DOUG TALKS BUT LOOK AT ME. I NARRATED ALL OVER IT. Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: I don't see why you're making fun of Doug! T-Rex: He talks like a 1920s villain! Utahraptor: So, whatever! He talks like he's a 1920s serial villain. We all have idiolects. For example, you're a man who says "dude" and "awesome" in places where he could instead simply say "chap" and "I say, that's quite agreeable." T-Rex: Yeah, but chap, you know what I don't say? T-Rex: I don't say, "He slumbers still? Alack! One thousand curses! When the Sandman's spell at last lies vanquished at his feet, give him good heed: Doug has come calling." Off panel: Maybe you should though. T-Rex (punchline): I know, right?

wait a minute! these aren't real photographs!

Narrator: T-REX IN: Narrator: "THE WHITE LIE THAT SPIRALED OUT OF CONTROL" T-Rex: I stayed at home last night and watched a movie! T-Rex: But as to not appear nerdy, I told everyone that I went out "clubbing"! Narrator: PRESENTLY: Dromiceiomimus: How was the club, T-Rex? T-Rex: It was great! I had a great time dancing with, uh, three different women! Dromiceiomimus: Three women? T-Rex: Yeah, at once! It was awesome! I have pictures! Utahraptor: Wow! Can I see your pictures? T-Rex: Sure! I'll make enlargements for everyone! Utahraptor: Great! T-Rex: And David Suzuki was there too! I boogied with him! Utahraptor: Awesome! Utahraptor: Wow T-Rex, I can't wait to see those incredible pictures! T-Rex (punchline): And so you shall! Narrator: NEXT: HIJINKS

HA HA little does he know

T-Rex: Fares are not guaranteed until paid in full and tickets issued. T-Rex: Check restrictions: tickets may be non-refundable! T-Rex: We recommend that sufficient insurance be purchased to cover all of your travel requirements. T-Rex: Tickets are not transferable. No one else can travel with this ticket. T-Rex: No refunds are permitted on this fare. Utahraptor: What are you talking about, T-Rex? T-Rex: I'm explaining the rules of travel! T-Rex: Well, the rules of travel for the particular set of tickets I bought. Rerouting is not permitted! Utahraptor: But the number of people who would be interested in this is small, is it not? Small enough to be limited entirely to yourself? T-Rex: You act as if the purpose of my life is to entertain others! T-Rex (punchline): Any changes to dates are subject to availability.

now folks can't get mad at me for tacitly endorsing funny wikipedia vandalism because fictional jimbo wales HIMSELF is all for it. good ol' fictional jimbo wales! he's the most accommodating instance of jimbo wales that i know of.

T-Rex: ONE TIME, I snuck onto a friend's computer while at his house and altered an essay he was writing for school about EVIL. All I did for instant hilarity was replace every instance of the word "evil" with the phrase "Irish evil"! T-Rex: Can good exist without Irish evil? SOME PHILOSOPHERS SUSPECT IT CANNOT! Dromiceiomimus: But - there's no particular flavour of Irish evil, T-Rex! It's absurd! T-Rex: I know! That's part of the joke: how the author seems so obsessed with examining EVERY ASPECT of his ridiculous concept of Irish evil! Dromiceiomimus: Did the person hand it in like that? T-Rex: Nope! I got caught but we agreed it was awesome. Utahraptor: I would like some more examples from this prank! T-Rex: And I am only too happy to provide them! T-Rex: To see for yourself, all you have to do is go to the Wikipedia article on evil and do the replaces there. Hah hah! My comedy ONCE AGAIN trumps the desires of those who would seek useful information about evil! Utahraptor: T-Rex! People often use Wikipedia as an important "first source". You'll confuse them so hard! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: It's very nice to meet you, Jimbo Wales, founder and president of Wikipedia! Off panel: You as well, T-Rex! Your articles on Irish Evil are my favourite of all articles added to Wikipedia ever. T-Rex (punchline): Wow, Jimbo Wales!

now! which one of us produces hair?

T-Rex: Is it creepy to try to touch a glass that you saw a celebrity drink from? T-Rex: IF SO, is it creepy to then take it home? T-Rex: AND BEFORE YOU ANSWER, is it creepy to declare that this is your new favourite glass, and that only you and the celebrity are allowed to drink from it? Dromiceiomimus: Well - T-Rex: AND BEFORE YOU ANSWER THAT, is it creepy if I cup my hands around your ear and whisper that MAYBE you can drink from it on an OCCASIONAL basis?? Utahraptor: I'm gonna say... yes? T-Rex: Okay! T-Rex: Well, then I guess I'm creepy, because I totally did those things. I stole a glass because someone I'd seen on TV touched it. I didn't know I was that sort of creeper, Utahraptor, but here we are. Utahraptor: Who's the celebrity? T-Rex: DOES IT MATTER? I found out I'm a creepy stalker!! T-Rex: Who knows what I'll find out about myself next? Maybe I'm the kind of guy who keeps hair in a box!! Off panel: ...What? T-Rex: I don't know! T-Rex (punchline): GOTTA KEEP SOMETHING IN IT

WE MADE A WET SPOT

Narrator: TRYING TO DISCOVER AN ESSENTIAL TRUTH: T-Rex: I have had a revelation! I am wasting my time trying to discover one ultimate essential truth, when really I should be looking for essential truths, plural! Narrator: T-REX THE DINOSAUR IN: ESSENTIAL TRUTHS, PLURAL T-Rex: What's true for you might not be true for me, Dromiceiomimus! Indeed, what's true for me today might not be what's true for me a month from now. I accept that there are many ways of living and that all that needs to be discovered is what is right for me, as an individual! Dromiceiomimus: Okay! Now I'm late for the dentist! Utahraptor: Are you serious about this, T-Rex? T-Rex: Somewhat to moderately! Utahraptor: Well, there are many ways of living, but those are lifestyle choices, not truths! All you're really doing is applying the label of truth to circumstances, desires and trends. The truths you're looking for are more universal, aren't they? T-Rex: Well! SO MUCH FOR THAT LITTLE SHORTCUT. Narrator: LATER, STILL TRYING TO DISCOVER ESSENTIAL TRUTHS: T-Rex: Maybe it's universally true that everyone likes... to party? Off panel: WE DON'T LIKE TO PARTY T-REX T-Rex (punchline): Good God! What are you cephalopods doing in my bedroom?? Off panel: CHILLAXING

did you know that monarchs, like all butterflies, are SCIENTIFICALLY INCAPABLE OF IMAGINATION?? this forever bars them from dreamland

T-Rex: I'm not a dude who usually has dreams, but last night I dreamed I had a whole other house, had forgotten about paying the mortgage, and was now horribly in debt? T-Rex: Thanks, subconscious! T-Rex: Not only did I get to have FABRICATED MONEY WOES, but I also got to wake up with the same dream-feeling of "aw snap, I'm in trouble now" in real life too. Woo! Dromiceiomimus: And this coloured your emotions in the morning, and whatever you thought of seemed to be a little worse because of it? I've had that too! T-Rex: Exactly. Sucks to that! Utahraptor: Maybe it's the whole butterfly dreaming he's a dinosaur thing, T-Rex! T-Rex: Perhaps literally!! T-Rex: Maybe I really have made tons of mistakes in my real life (as a butterfly) and then I go to sleep and dream I'm this awesome dinosaur with friends! Then I wake up and I'm still this indebted SUCKY BUTTERFLY with bad fiscal management skills. Utahraptor: Aww! You're cuter as a butterfly. T-Rex: Man, I'm a butterfly saddled with crippling debt! There's nothing cute about that. Off panel: There is if you imagine the debt in tiny butterfly dollars, each colourfully illustrated with even tinier butterflies and flowers. T-Rex (punchline): Granted!!

i just scared myself with words

T-Rex: I have come up with the best way to sound sage and wise! And it's so easy, too! All you have to do is respond to statements with one simple phrase: T-Rex: "Oh, you'll grow out of that!" T-Rex: Try it out, Dromiceiomimus! Tell me something. Dromiceiomimus: Um, I - I really enjoy bicycling? T-Rex: Oh, you'll grow out of that. Oh snap! T-Rex: What's wrong with bikes, Dromiceiomimus? Utahraptor: I think it makes you sound more dickish than wise! T-Rex: You'll grow out of THAT, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: Huh. You know what? I really value our friendship. T-Rex: Oh, you'll grow out of th- T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Nooooooooo!

alternate panel 2: "anyone, don't tell everyone!!"

T-Rex: I'm totally going to fake my own death today. T-Rex: Everyone, don't tell anyone!! T-Rex: I've got it all set up. My diary today says "I think SOMEONE's gonna murder me today!" and I've made YouTube comments that say "pretty sure someone wants to murder me >:|" and there won't be a body in my house, just a note that says "MAN I guess I got murdered, huh?". Dromiceiomimus: Those sound like pretty suspicious circumstances, T-Rex! T-Rex: The only thing suspicious is how APPARENTLY perfect my murder is! Utahraptor: And that's still suspicious! Utahraptor: Listen, you want to fake your death, you've got to do it right, with none of this way-too-obvious note stuff. Let's stop joking around here and get down to business. T-Rex: I - okay? Utahraptor: Good. Utahraptor: We're doing this, man. We're making this happen. T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Man, what if I just paid my late fees instead

your whole family is made out of (bones and) meat

T-Rex: Turns out, we're members of a social species! We need to see other people and if we don't we get sad and weird!! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE US! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, what are you talking about? You love having friends! T-Rex: Sure, absolutely! But I was under the impression it was OPTIONAL! I thought I was a CHOOSING to have friends, not that I was biologically hard-wired for 'em!! T-Rex: What other aspects of my personality are just BIOLOGICAL DIRECTIVES? Am I nothing more than a mass of genetic imperatives?? Utahraptor: Yep! Utahraptor: You're a mass of bones and meat with needs and desires, of course that's affected who you are! If I wasn't bones and meat with needs and desires myself, I'd be SHOCKED the system even works! T-Rex: I need and desire you to stop describing my body that way. Off panel: If you tried to turn a ham sandwich into a sentient intelligence you'd expect there to be SOME side effects, so why are you surprised to see 'em when we're running on FAT and BLOOD and WEIRD JUICES?? T-Rex (punchline): Okay nope that made it worse; let's go back to "bones and meat" please!

t-rex? it's 3 am! i know you like my voice.

T-Rex: I have a brilliant idea for revenging myself against TV's Kelsey Grammer. Oh yes. Narrator: THE REVENGE OF T-REX T-Rex: All I have to do is put out a major motion picture and include in it a brilliant role for Kelsey. It will be a dazzling, moving role, but will also play to his type as a smart yet sassy older man. It'll be a role that screams "Kelsey Grammer": a touchstone that defines a generation - and a career. I'll even name the character "Kelsey G"! THEN, I'm gonna just go ahead and give it to somebody else. SORRY, KELSEY! TOO BAD FOR YOU THERE, HUH? Utahraptor: What'd Kelsey ever do to you, T-Rex? T-Rex: Nothing! He seems like a nice guy! Utahraptor: Ah, so this is a "just in case" revenge plan. For Kelsey Grammer. T-Rex: Yep. T-Rex: Listen, it's good to be prepared. Narrator: BACKSTORY: T-REX HAS TRIED TO START FEUDS WITH KELSEY GRAMMER BEFORE, BUT KEEPS LOSING HIS NERVE. T-Rex: Hello, Kelsey Grammer? Off panel: Yes? T-Rex: Kelsey! We're on speakphone! T-Rex (punchline): ...I think your voice is a wonderful gift!

MUCH LATER: 'I shall become a bat!'

Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Narrator: Today's origin story: BATMAN T-Rex: Well, I'm perfectly content! T-Rex: I may be a bit idle, a bit unfocused, but at least I haven't had a night where all sense left my life! That's for darn sure! T-Rex: Incidentally, criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot! Utahraptor: Want to go to the cinema, son? "The Mark of Zorro" is playing! T-Rex: Oh boy! T-Rex: Can you get mom to wear her pearl necklace? Utahraptor: The one that symbolizes our family: each precious family member connected to the other? The necklace which, if one pearl is removed, is shattered forever? Utahraptor: Sure, I don't see why not! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): My parents!

ever since i turned 18! am i developing as i should??

T-Rex: Is there any conceivable better form of music than out-of-genre cover songs? The answer is no! The FULL answer is "No, there is nothing better! I love them all SO MUCH! I can never take this back." Narrator: T-REX LOVES OUT-OF-GENRE COVER SONGS Narrator: they're great T-Rex: They're great because say you love a particular hip hop song, but wouldn't you love it EVEN MORE if it was an opera? Yes, you would! Also, wouldn't you love arias ten times better as gangsta rap songs? Here again, the answer is yes. I don't know why all music is apparently produced originally in the wrong genre as the one nature intended, but I accept it, and thank those artists bold enough to see beyond the limits of generic form! Utahraptor: Isn't it just the novelty of it that appeals to you though? T-Rex: That's part of it, true! T-Rex: I like the feeling of looking in on an alternate universe: that sense of familiarity, altered but recognizable. But even without it, some are just really great songs that stand on their own! Utahraptor: Let's listen to one! Give me your absolute favourite. Narrator: SOON: Off panel: This is the theme song to Cheers, played on steel drums and - what is that, a theremin? T-Rex (punchline): It's the song I hear in my head whenever I close my eyes!

let it be known that i hereby face eternity with toilets i am not ashamed to have guests use

T-Rex: Alright everyone! We've had a good run, but it's time to face facts: T-Rex: This planet isn't going to be around forever! T-Rex: The sun will become a red giant in 7.655 billion years! And at that point, WE ARE POOCHED. We are all TOTALLY DEAD AND BURNT INTO A CRISP. It's game over for team "let's exist and be alive on Earth"! T-Rex: Who could've ever predicted that this would be what we'd get for living next to a SUN-SIZED THERMONUCLEAR REACTOR?? Utahraptor: Seems like we've got some time though! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But we've also got a DEADLINE. And even if we somehow escape this doomed planet Earth, the universe itself will eventually cool so much that life won't be possible. Look, all I'm saying is that if you've been putting something off, maybe today's the day? We're gonna run out of tomorrows eventually. Narrator: THUS CONCLUDES THE STORY OF HOW T-REX ENDED UP CLEANING HIS TOILET ON A FRIDAY NIGHT T-Rex: Logic! T-Rex (punchline): It hurts me sometimes!

t-rex my friend sometimes you are not so good at last panels

God: IT'S AGAIN TIME FOR ROMANCE TIPS WITH T-REX T-Rex: Alright, alright. Fine. T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: Love! T-Rex: It's PROBABLY worth the effort?? T-Rex: Okay, so everyone's looking for love, right? This being the case, the smart move isn't to join that huge amorphous crowd. The smart move is to let those suckers find you! You need to make yourself FOUND. You need to make yourself a catch! Dromiceiomimus: How do you do that? T-Rex: Easy! BE AWESOME. T-Rex: And if you're not yet awesome, get that way! Better yourself: explore things that interest you, whatever! Utahraptor: Yes! Utahraptor: If you put all your points into making yourself more AWESOME, then even if you're still single at the end, who friggin' cares? You're awesome now. T-Rex: Plus, you're doing all the stuff you want. If you don't have a sweetie, it doesn't matter: life is awesome! You're awesome!! T-Rex: Yes sir! T-Rex (punchline): In conclusion: manipulate others, events, and yourself to get what you want, the end

i wrote this comic while staying in a hotel room with my wife. she was sleeping in but *I* was being productive, writing an internet comic about threesomes

T-Rex: The most frequent question sex advice columnists get asked is "How do I set up a threesome?" You have to risk the embarrassment and just ask: the worst they can say is "no"! And then they can get really freaked out and not want to be your friend anymore. T-Rex: It can get pretty bad and embarrassing, I gotta say! T-Rex: But it's a risk you've got to take, as there exists, unfortunately, no secret word for sexy times. Dromiceiomimus: What are you talking about? Yes there is. Nobody told you? T-Rex: What? Dromiceiomimus: Oh my god. Forget I said anything. T-Rex: Holy crap. There IS a way to ask for threesomes and not risk anything? Utahraptor: No, no! Utahraptor: There totally isn't. If there WAS such a secret word, then everyone would be having some really fun and satisfying weekends! T-Rex: How was your weekend, Utahraptor? Utahraptor: Oh, really fun and sa- um, I mean... "boring"? Utahraptor: Boring is a thing weekends used to be, right? T-Rex's head: *pop* T-Rex: Utahraptor if you heard that it was the sound of my brain exploding at the thought of a lifetime of missed sexy opportunities T-Rex (punchline): This is where my story ends

I ENCOURAGE YOU TO REMEMBER NOT TO FORGET THAT

Devil: MMM GREETINGS T-REX WHAT ARE YOUR OPINIONS ON THE RISE OF CASUAL GAMING T-Rex: Nobody should be excluded from games just because they can't afford a cummerbund, top hat and pince-nez! Devil: I WAS CLEARLY REFERRING TO SIMPLER VIDEO GAMES BUILT FOR A CASUAL AUDIENCE T-Rex: Ah! Devil: ON ONE HAND THESE GAMES APPEAL TO THOSE OUTSIDE THE STANDARD GAMING DEMOGRAPHIC AND THUS SERVE TO BROADEN THE APPEAL OF THE MEDIUM AND DISPEL SOME NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES ABOUT THOSE WHO PARTAKE OF INTERACTIVE ELECTRONIC ENTERTAINMENT Devil: ON THE OTHER HAND THE CASUAL MARKET IS SO BIG THAT IT MAY ENCOURAGE FRANCHISES I ENJOY TO BECOME MORE CASUAL FRIENDLY AND THIS OFTEN UNFORTUNATELY MEANS MORE SHALLOW T-Rex: I really haven't thought about industry ramifications of casual gaming that much! Utahraptor: Me neither! T-Rex: No, I - I was talking to the Devil. He's concerned that casual gaming could eclipse the parts of the market he identifies with. Utahraptor: Well you tell him that more people playing games means fewer people looking down on gamers! T-Rex (punchline): Man, it'd be easier for me if others could hear you too! Devil: AND IT'D BE EASIER FOR ME T-REX IF I COULD CONVERSE WITH SHIGERU MIYAMOTO Devil: HOWEVER Devil: HE WILL NOT BE BORN FOR 65 MILLION YEARS BECAUSE WE ARE IN THE PAST REMEMBER

I'M SERIOUS YOU ACTUALLY NEED TO KEEP IT UP

T-Rex: LAYLA, duh duh duh... You've got me on my KNEES, LAYLA. Duh duh duh - I'm beggin' darlin' please, LAYLA. God: DUH DUH DUH DUH DUHH T-Rex: Darling won't you ease my worried mind?? God: THAT WAS A GOOD DUET T-REX I WAS HAPPY TO SUPPLY THE DUH DUH DUHHS T-Rex: Yes, I thought we did a good job! I was kinda surprised though that you had so little going on, God, that you could supply partial backup vocals for my song. God: NO MAN I'M GOOD God: YOU KNOW HOW SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE IN A CLOCKWORK UNIVERSE T-Rex: What's a clockwork universe? Utahraptor: That's where everything runs itself! Utahraptor: So the universe is deterministic, running without outside management - like a clock! God invents the laws of physics, sets everything in motion and then relaxes as the clock runs forever. Maybe he brushes his hands off and says "I'm goin' on infinite break". T-Rex: INTERESTING. God: YES IT IS A THEORY THAT I AM 100% IN FAVOUR OF T-Rex (punchline): But what about the problem of entropy increasing in closed systems? Where's the clock battery? God: MAYBE IT'S POWERED BY FOLKS ASKING LOADED QUESTIONS God: SO UM God: KEEP IT UP BUCKO

ICANN WHEN WILL WE GET .DOGS BECAUSE I WILL TELL YOU THIS: THE INTERNET AS A WHOLE AND YOUR PLANS TO OPEN UP THE GTLD NAMESPACE ARE SUCKY UNTIL THEY INCLUDE .DOGS

T-Rex: Since time immemorial, the greatest minds of each generation have, at one point or another, wondered this: T-Rex: DOGS: WHAT ARE THEY THINKING? T-Rex: If you know what dogs are thinking then please let me know. My email address is [email protected]. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, you bojo! That's not a real email address! T-Rex: Aw geez! I was thinking about what dogs are thinking when I said that and got confused!! Utahraptor: T-Rex, want to get lunch? We can ponder what dogs are thinking together! T-Rex: Rad! T-Rex: I'd love to do that. There's a new place that opened up that sells what are dogs thinking about wrapped in a dogs: I wonder what they're thinking about right now?? Utahraptor: T-Rex it's happening again! T-Rex: Oh no! WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING... when dogs are choosing what to think about?! T-Rex: Hee hee! T-Rex (punchline): That one was on purpose!!

that's the most important question about jennifing. is it... TRANSITIVE??

T-Rex: I have just had the greatest idea. Oh my goodness. Everyone named "Jennifer" will probably hate me. Narrator: T-REX'S GREAT IDEA Narrator: oh my goodness Narrator: everyone named "jennifer" will probably hate him T-Rex: There's tons of women named Jennifer, right Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: It's a popular name. T-Rex: It's a popular name! And all I'm gonna do is invent a new verb: JENNIF. Then, suddenly, everyone named Jennifer is saying that they are the ones who jennif! They LOVE to jennif. They are JENNIFERS. T-Rex: I just need to decide what jennifing is! Is it... TRANSITIVE? Utahraptor: Make it something sexual, T-Rex! Utahraptor: It'll be hilarious for all us non-Jennifers! Make it mean kissing someone on the nose and then blowing into the nostrils. T-Rex: Hah! I find it suspicious that you had this manoeuver all ready to go, AND YET, I welcome it enthusiastically! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hey, couple making out across the street! She just jennifed you, dude!! Off panel: EXCUSE ME, HE LIKES IT T-Rex (punchline): Dromiceiomimus?

i hope nobody who reads my comic broke up with their girlfriend today!

T-Rex: Here are some bad things to say to someone who just broke up with his long-term girlfriend! T-Rex: "Wasn't she the best ever?" T-Rex: "I was always impressed with her wit, her beauty, her intelligence and her sense of humour." T-Rex: "It's too bad you never got married, eh?" T-Rex: "I had a bit of a crush on her too! She was a cutie." Utahraptor: "I bet she was a good kisser, huh?" T-Rex: "Was she a good kisser?" T-Rex: "Do you remember kissing her?" Utahraptor: "Was it nice?" T-Rex: "Pretty nice?" T-Rex: "Are you worried that one day you'll forget what it was like?" T-Rex (punchline): "Wouldn't that be sad?"

hey, remember how I couldn't go out hallowe'en 2008 because i had that creepy date with my neighbours? i do. i still do.

T-Rex: I've made the Best Conceptual Hallowe'en Costume EVER this year! Check it out: T-Rex: I'm someone from the past! Dromiceiomimus: Neat! So you're wandering around being all agog at electricity and airplanes and stuff! T-Rex: No no, sorry, I should have specified: I'm from the RECENT past. Like, past three years. I'm walking around saying "Oh, wow! Check out all these incremental improvements." Dromiceiomimus: Ah. Utahraptor: So what's in the news three years ago? T-Rex: Um, lots of the - politics? T-Rex: Actually, I'm someone from three years ago who ALSO didn't follow the news. Utahraptor: Ah. So if you're someone from three years ago, shouldn't you be dressing up for Hallowe'en? Hallowe'en 2005? T-Rex: ....Yes. T-Rex: I am about to. Narrator: HALLOWE'EN 2011: T-Rex: HEY UTAHRAPTOR! I'M DRESSED UP AS MYSELF FROM THREE YEARS AGO! Off panel: Why are you yelling? T-Rex (punchline): BECAUSE I'M STILL KINDA CHEESED ABOUT YOU TEARING APART MY 2008 COSTUME AND IN THE INTERVENING YEARS I HAVE BECOME ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER AT EXPRESSING MYSELF

in the worst case, you never get mistaken for someone else and ended up super awesome for no reason

T-Rex: You know what happens in movies that doesn't happen NEARLY enough to me, here in reality which I have reluctantly concluded is not actually a movie? T-Rex: HILARIOUS CASES OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY. T-Rex: Not once have I been swept up in international jewel thief intrigue, nor have I EVER been followed around by eager gang members who think I'm their amnesiac and missing leader who's trying to go straight. Not even once! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe if you had more twin brothers? Dromiceiomimus: Who - did crimes? Utahraptor: I see two possible solutions to your problem, T-Rex! T-Rex: Please, proceed! Utahraptor: ONE: work on being as generic as possible in attitude and dress, so it's more likely you'll look like someone else. T-Rex: BORING. Utahraptor: Or TWO: adopt the impeccable dress, manners, and seductive charm of an international jewel thief. Narrator: IN THIS ONE MOMENT, T-REX IS PERFECTLY TORN BETWEEN WANTING TO RUSH OUT TO READ EVERY BOOK ON DRESSING WELL, AND WANTING TO RUSH HOME TO CRY FOR ALL THE YEARS WASTED ON A NON-JEWEL-THIEF IDENTITY: T-Rex (punchline): oh nooooooo

due to a typo this comic was almost about ROBOT scott instead; yet more proof that we aren't in the best of all possible worlds

Narrator: OKAY T-REX, YOU'RE CAPTAIN ROBERT SCOTT AND YOU'VE MADE A TRIP TO ANTARCTICA ON THE DISCOVERY. IT WAS A BIG SUCCESS! YOU GOT PROMOTED TO CAPTAIN. T-Rex: I thought I already was captain! Narrator: NO, I CALLED YOU THAT BECAUSE THAT'S THE RANK YOU DIE WITH. T-Rex: I'm gonna DIE?! Narrator: T-REX PLEASE TRY TO STAY IN CHARACTER HERE, OKAY? T-Rex: No problem! *ahem* T-Rex: I, CAPTAIN ROBERT SCOTT, am going to die?! Dromiceiomimus: Not before you marry me: Kathleen Bruce! We meet at a party and love each other very much. We have a kid, too! T-Rex: Hey! On that note, I'm going back to Antarctica! Utahraptor: Why? You've been there before! T-Rex: But I never reached the pole! T-Rex: And my FRIENEMY Shackleton just got back from there, and HE came within 180km of it! I've totally got to beat him. Utahraptor: Shackleton? Isn't he the guy who, while in Antarctica when EVERYONE was starving, gave one Frank Wild his only biscuit of food for the day? Off panel: And Frank wrote in his diary, "All the money that was ever minted would not have bought that biscuit, and the remembrance of that sacrifice will never leave me"? T-Rex: YES T-Rex (punchline): This may be an inopportune time to mention it but I consider him to be a TOTAL DICK

the other half are helping them so consider me to be PERFECTLY UNMOVED

T-Rex: What's life like for the objectively beautiful people? It's probably great to look in the mirror and think "WHOAH, STILL AWESOME", but on the other hand, people would always treat you differently! T-Rex: Maybe it gets boring when everyone's super nice to you all the time! T-Rex: MAYBE that waitress brought you a free dessert because you're easy on the eyes, not because you're actually a nice person who truly deserves a fudgie brownie chocsplosion! Maybe that stranger offered you their seat not out of basic kindness and decency, but because they liked your handsomeness. How could you be certain of the sincerity of ANY interaction? Utahraptor: Man, how can ANYONE be certain of the sincerity of anything? T-Rex: I - Utahraptor: When someone's nice to you, maybe it's because you're beautiful, but maybe it's because you're SO UGLY that he honestly doesn't know what else to do. Maybe he's acting SUPER NORMAL because if he acts any other way he's afraid he'll look prejudiced against uggos, or handsomos, or averageos, or whatever it is he thinks you are. Off panel: Maybe EVERYONE draws you with hearts for eyes. Or maybe with stink lines instead? Maybe they doodle their first name with your last; maybe they doodle their name and THEN write "drew T-Rex with stink lines: hilarious." T-Rex (punchline): Dude, precisely half your hypotheticals are really hurting my feelings!

CHRISTMAS MORNING: Oh boy! Plastic bags with my name on them!!

Narrator: T-REX IN: "WRAPPING PRESENTS IN THE PLASTIC BAGS THEY CAME IN" T-Rex: There's nothing wrong with that! T-Rex: It saves the environment by using less paper! Dromiceiomimus: But where's the magic? Where's the love and care that is shown in a well-wrapped present? T-Rex: Replaced! Replaced with a healthy respect for the ENVIRONMENT. T-Rex: Plus it was cheaper! Utahraptor: Wrapping gifts can be a complicated issue! T-Rex: Not really! Utahraptor: Sure it is! Do you stay traditional and wrap presents nicely, in fancy paper - this can carry a lot of meaning - or try a more modern, environmentally-sensitive approach? T-Rex: Like wrapping them in the plastic bags they came in! Utahraptor: Or maybe something just a LITTLE bit classier. Narrator: YEARS LATER, THE PRESENTS ARE GONE, BUT THE PLASTIC BAGS HAVE YET TO BIODEGRADE! T-Rex (punchline): Just like my memories!

wait... scratch and sniff?

T-Rex: I joke about trends forecasting, but it's actually super interesting! There are folks whose ENTIRE PROFESSIONAL LIVES are spent determining what stupid dress colours will be future popular. Okay, that didn't sound that interesting; I can do better. T-Rex: They're professional futurists, for a small, well-defined aspect of the future! T-Rex: Large corporations will turn to these forecasters and say "what colours should we make dresses in the future" and they'll say "for a million dollars, I will tell you" and then they pay a million dollars because nobody wants to make dresses in the wrong colour! Nobody has ever wanted that!! Dromiceiomimus: What if they're wrong? T-Rex: It's their job to not be wrong, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: How would you tell if they're wrong anyway? T-Rex: What do you mean? Utahraptor: If a trends forecaster says yellow is in, then a few years later you're gonna see a lot of yellow dresses in stores and hey presto, yellow is in. T-Rex: That only works if there's a forecaster monoculture! But I see where you're going with this, Utahraptor, and I agree: T-Rex: We should all get jobs at trends companies and tell everyone that in the future, skateboarding dogs in sunglasses is THE pattern to be seen in! Off panel: I'm not - T-Rex (punchline): Wait. Wait!! Do you want to go with "fried chicken mascot chicken eating pieces of fried chicken" instead?

the next spell was to make themselves small, what we would call "fairy-sized": a penance

T-Rex: The year is five thousand years ago. The place: FAIRYLAND. The camera is slowly panning across a destroyed landscape. T-Rex: There, within the burning wreckage of civilization, stands a battered fairy! T-Rex: We zoom on his bleeding wings and bruised face as he looks out across the wreckage. Then, we switch to a POV shot, lingering on different elements in the warzone: buildings destroyed by implosions. Giant bacteria lying limp and dead across city blocks. Evidence of fantastic creatures and powers, used only once, and resulting only in self-destruction. Utahraptor: Fairyland civil war? T-Rex: It lasted only two hours. T-Rex: All it took was a single first-time spellcaster to lose control, and retaliation by equally unskilled fairies took care of the rest. The few who survived did so only by sheer chance. And those survivors decide to forever hide all evidence of magic. They choose water as the tool of their repentance! T-Rex (punchline): The flood covered the planet: JUST LIKE IN THE BIBLE?? Or as it shall now be known, JUST LIKE IN THAT SHARED UNIVERSE FANFICTION SEQUEL TO MY RAD FAIRY STORY?? God: WAIT HOLD ON WHAT God: WHAT God: I WASN'T LISTENING God: WHAT

if you could find a way to factor numbers quickly, you would undermine tons of cryptographic systems overnight. crazy! there is a way to do this using quantum computers, but luckily only really tiny quantum computers exist. one DID recently factor the number 15 into 3 and 5, though! RUH ROH

T-Rex: Oh goodness, cryptography. It's really interesting! T-Rex: Specifically, trapdoor functions are SUPER interesting! Times two! T-Rex: These are functions that are easy to compute but difficult to reverse-engineer - unless you have the secret 'trapdoor' information. For example, the product of two prime numbers (p and q) is not hard to figure out if you know their values (it's just multiplication!), but if all you have is the answer, n, guessing what p and q are can take a really long time. T-Rex: And yeah, functions like this are a basis of cryptography! Utahraptor: How's that? T-Rex: Well, say I send n to you, and you know what the secret value of p is. There's a chance my message might be intercepted by a bad guy. But this dude will only know n, not p! Utahraptor: So I'll be able to figure out q easily, knowing what n and p are, but this guy will be totally stumped! T-Rex: Yep! Of course, all this lets us do is communicate a prime number q in secret to each other. But you can probably do even more things with trapdoor functions! Off panel: Probably? T-Rex (punchline): I'm almost certain!

there's no shame in putting a buffet out of business. that my friends is a LIFE GOAL; doing it without dropping a barf is just a times two multiplier

T-Rex: William Shakespeare was an excellent writer guy, so we saved his plays so that everyone can enjoy them! Generations have applauded them as being pretty okay!! T-Rex: SUCKS TO BE THE PEOPLE WHO PERFORMED THEM, HUH?? T-Rex: THEIR performances are lost, forever and ever. Entire lives spent perfecting their craft, and for what? So that they could die before the advent of recorded sound?? Dromiceiomimus: Well, we have printed records of people praising their performances. T-Rex: Perfect: tantalizing glimpses of all we've lost! T-Rex: The vast majority of stage performance is gone forever! So much talent wasted! Utahraptor: I think it's romantic! Utahraptor: When our every purchase is recorded and Facebook never forgets what parties you went to, isn't it nice that some things get forgotten? Plus, it allows us to canonize them, making them better in our imagination than they could ever have been in real life! T-Rex: Huh! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: There! Now with my Facebook deleted, I shall be remembered in legend instead of in depressing reality!! T-Rex (punchline): I call my legend, "T-Rex! I Heard He Put A Buffet Out Of Business Once And DIDN'T Puke On His Belly, You Can't Prove He Didn't"!

tied for first with that author in "stranger than fiction" who controls a real-life person and who never even TRIES writing "and then he cured cancer and all other diseases, the end". WILL FERRELL I CANNOT ENJOY YOUR MOVIES WHEN THERE ARE PLOT HOLES THIS BIG IN THEM NO MATTER HOW DEPRESSED YOU TRY TO LOOK

T-Rex: Aladdin's a guy living in a mysterious city! And a sorcerer shows up and asks him to retrieve a magic lamp from a booby-trapped cave and gives him a magic ring. Oh! Also, everyone is Chinese. Narrator: THE STORY OF ALADDIN Narrator: as told in the 17th century T-Rex: So Chinese Aladdin goes in and gets the lamp but gets trapped in the cave, so he rubs his ring, and a genie comes out. And the genie takes him home to his mom, who tries to clean the lamp, which makes a second, better genie come out. And there's no 3-wish limit on THESE bad boys! So Aladdin uses infinite wishes to become Super Rich With A Giant House And Married To The Princess of China Aladdin. Utahraptor: And then the sorcerer steals the lamp, right? T-Rex: Yep! He wishes himself to Africa to escape! T-Rex: But Aladdin still has Ring Genie who sends him there, and together they MURDER THE SORCERER. Then the sorcerer's brother shows up at Aladdin's house in women's clothing, so Aladdin murders him too. The end! Oh he also becomes the Emperor of China! Because infinite wishes, why not? T-Rex: In conclusion! T-Rex (punchline): As he never wished for an end to suffering, Aladdin TRULY IS history's greatest monster.

haha OUCH for homecare!

Narrator: COMICS ABOUT HOMECARE T-Rex: Homecare is when doctors or nurses visit you in your own home! T-Rex: While some feel this leads to better care and increased comfort for patients... T-Rex: ... others feel it places an unnecessary strain on our already-burdened hospitals and health care system! Utahraptor: What's your opinion on the issue, T-Rex? T-Rex: I have none! T-Rex: I feel as though I haven't considered enough information in order to form a defensible point of view! Utahraptor: Really! That's quite restrained of you. Narrator: BUT... WHAT IF THE T-REX HADN'T BEEN SO RESTRAINED? T-Rex (punchline): FUCK homecare!

haha, all the spies who read my comic today YOU JUST TOTALLY COMPROMISED YOUR COVER, WHY WOULD A NON-SPY READ A COMIC ABOUT SPIES, OOPS TURNS OUT THEY WOULDN'T

T-Rex: Attention, everyone! I am extremely interested in being a spy! Furthermore, I believe I would be an excellent spy! T-Rex: So, um... who do I talk to about becoming a spy? T-Rex: I am interested in pretending to be someone else; I am interested in parachuting into enemy territory; I am interested in blending in and befriending the locals, gaining their trust, and then clandestinely reporting on what I've learnt. I am extremely interested in decoding a secret message and reading "T-Rex, you're a great spy. Good job." Utahraptor: I could give you some tips if you want! T-Rex: Really? Sweet! T-Rex: Wait a minute - how do YOU know about spying? Utahraptor: Easy: I'm a spy, T-Rex! I was sent by the government to spy on you like a decade ago. T-Rex: LIES T-Rex: OR IF THEY'RE TRUTHS THEN AT LEAST TELL ME IF OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS REAL Off panel: Of course! T-Rex: OKAY T-Rex (punchline): RAD

my car-driving, hourly-paid readers are all busting out their calc.exe right now

T-Rex: You know what? We totally can put an exact price on life, down to the nearest cent. T-Rex: In fact, we do it all the time! T-Rex: Every time we land somewhere on the gradient between safety and expense, we do it. If a new ambulance costs $100,000 but would likely save at least 100 lives while it was in use, and we decide NOT to buy it, then we're saying those particular lives aren't worth $1000 each. Ouch! Sorry, ambulance dudes! Utahraptor: But maybe we don't have the money to buy an ambulance anyway! T-Rex: Sure! It's not a perfect measurement. T-Rex: All I'm saying is we ESTIMATE it all the time. Heck, you do it whenever you're paid hourly and you speed into work! Divide the extra money you get by being there sooner by the increased chance of death the added speed brings you, and you've just VALUED YOUR OWN LIFE. Utahraptor: ...I - I guess so! T-Rex: On the flip side, whenever housecleaners clean a bathroom, they're PAID to kill the bacteria there! So those tiny lives are worth negative dollars. And there's SO MANY bacteria, Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): There are like a decazillion of them I am ALMOST certain!

to your credit, "master" and "mistress" in the titular sense are pretty obsolete, so, good work on that one, team english

T-Rex: Hey, English! Despite my complaints yesterday, you're still super sexist! My only question is as follows: what gives? T-Rex: What gives, English? T-Rex: How come a "master" and "mistress" are totally in charge of a situation, but a mistress is ALSO somebody's piece on the side? How come "sir" and "madam" are respectful ways of addressing folks, but a madam ALSO runs a brothel? How come a governor controls AN ENTIRE NATION, while a governess - wait for it - teaches a kid what a number is? T-Rex: Just thought you'd slip those extra meanings in and we wouldn't notice? Utahraptor: A governess can also be a female governor! T-Rex: Sure! But the point is, the female words are polysemous in a way the others aren't. It's like if "Utahraptor" meant "good pal" but also "sex worker you hire to do your dishes because he sucks out loud at sex." Would you want to be called "Utahraptor"? Utahraptor: I AM good at doing dishes, and you are being SEX-NEGATIVE. T-Rex: Oh my god, nobody is more sex-positive than me! Watch this: T-Rex: Yayyyyyy sex! T-Rex (punchline): Now if you would kindly get off my case, I will rest it?

youth isn't wasted on the young! BEING FED BY GIANTS WHO THEN CRADLE YOU WHILE YOU NAP is!

T-Rex: FACT: senior citizens are fragile. You can't shove them around or nothing! T-Rex: FACT: babies are fragile too! They're like - glass people! T-Rex: So we start out fragile and we end up fragile, but there's this sweet spot in the middle where we've got massively awesome skeletal integrity and sweet muscles and it's FULLY POSSIBLE for us to ramp motorcycles off boats successfully. Our bodies are ready. Dromiceiomimus: And have you ramped any such sick rides off boats? T-Rex: NO!! Utahraptor: You'd better do it soon, dude! Clock's a-tickin'! T-Rex: I KNOW, I KNOW! T-Rex: I keep meaning to, but I'm also super busy with all my ADULT RESPONSIBILITIES. Why have we structured society so that that as soon as you can do all the awesome stuff, you're WAY TOO BUSY to actually do it? We should get years 20 to 40 off, inclusive! Youth isn't wasted on the young! GOING TO WORK IS. Off panel: I'm you from the future, T-Rex! I'm an ancient senior now and everything hurts, but I still have to work every day! T-Rex (punchline): Do you regret anything? Off panel: Hah hah, no man! We ramped bikes off exploding boats!! Off panel: What the hell kind of question is that anyway

petition to replace every "and they all lived happily ever after" with "and they all lived happily ever after in their giant robot suits, here's how you build one in the real world:"

T-Rex: Fairy tales all begin and end with the same stock phrase! ONCE UPON A TIME, events happened to characters and were altered by them in some way, AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER. T-Rex: But that's only in English, dudes! T-Rex: In Polish the stories start with "Long, long time ago" and end with "...and I was there too, and I drank mead and wine"! SO MUCH BETTER. More author insertion in the last sentences of every story, please! Or we could at least do something like in Greek, where they end with "...and they lived well, and WE lived better!" Dromiceiomimus: Hahah, suck on that THE PAST. Utahraptor: In Slovak they end with "...and they lived happily, until they died"! T-Rex: OMG BRB, MOVING TO SLOVAKIA Utahraptor: Well, ARMENIAN fairy tales end with "...and then 3 apples fall from heaven" and then the storyteller gets to decide who in the audience gets the apples! T-Rex: There's PRIZES?? Why are we settling for "happily ever after" when we could be boozing and winning imaginary apples?? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dudes, in Catalan the stories end "and with a dog and a cat, the tale is finished"! You are guaranteed a dog will at least make an appearance in every story!! T-Rex (punchline): AHHHHHHHHHHH it's SO GOOD

personally, i'm sad on the inside that it's not time to PARTY RIGHT NOW!!! WOOO!

Narrator: SAD COMICS T-Rex: It's true! T-Rex: Sometimes I get a little sad! T-Rex: You wouldn't guess it from my rugged exterior, but beneath my tremendous frame beats the heart of a sensitive man. So sensitive! Utahraptor: T-Rex, you're talking about how sensitive you are while simultaneously stomping on things! T-Rex: Yes, well - I realize that now, Utahraptor, and it makes me Very Sad! Utahraptor: You don't look very sad to me! T-Rex: I'm sad on the inside! T-Rex: Seriously, check it out: T-Rex: "Boo hoo hoo! Let's have a lengthy discussion about FEELINGS." T-Rex (punchline): Wooo! I'm talking the talk!!

t-rex has gotten the idea that what debt collection agencies do is "try to get people to buy them a big ol' lunch", which, when you think about it, isn't actually what they do at all. let's be serious about this, t-rex. come on.

T-Rex: It's DEFINITELY time to call in some old debts. Luckily for me I'm a one-man debt collection agency! Narrator: CALLING IN DEBTS COMICS T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! You owe me ten sub sandwiches, and I'm calling in the debt. Dromiceiomimus: I don't owe you ten sub sandwiches! Why the heck would I ever owe you ten sub sandwiches? T-Rex: ONE TIME, and I remember this quite clearly, you bet me ten sub sandwiches over something and it was basically pretty clear that you lost. Utahraptor: And do I owe you anything, T-Rex? T-Rex: As a matter of fact, yes, you do! T-Rex: YOU, dear friend, owe me like three cases of pop, because you bet me a can of pop for every week the sub place stayed open, and they've been open for years, so yes, many soda pops for me. Utahraptor: That is such a made-up bet! I owe you zero cases of pop. T-Rex (punchline): God, you owe me several sub-themed items too! God: HOLY SHIT WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT

utahraptor has used ''you wanna get sandwiches?'' as an all-purpose conversational filler for a few weeks now. it works out great! when conversation stalls, sometimes you get to eat tasty sandwiches.

T-Rex: Critical mass rides are when a hundred or more cyclists get together and go on a bike ride! They take over a lane of traffic and get to set their pace. The motto and politics are "we don't block traffic, we are traffic!" T-Rex: It's good times, if you're not in a car! T-Rex: I find it encouraging when I see a bunch of bikes taking over a road and just going on their way. The noise of traffic is replaced by the softer sound of spokes and gears. It's pretty neat! Dromiceiomimus: But what about important vehicles, like ambulances and so on? T-Rex: Oh, they still pull over to let those through. They just don't let cars merge in with the bikes because it's DANGEROUS. Utahraptor: But T-Rex, is it not ENTIRELY TRUE that these rides are illegal? T-Rex: Depends on who you ask, dude! T-Rex: And where you live, I suppose. I don't know! I know I like to ride bikes, and I believe they're as entitled to the road as cars. The end! Utahraptor: Alright then! Utahraptor: Well! Utahraptor: You wanna get sandwiches? Narrator: LATER: A CRITICAL MASS FOR CANNIBALS: T-Rex: Wow. Look at all those cannibals on bikes! Off panel: WE DON'T BLOCK TRAFFIC WE ARE TRAFFIC T-REX T-Rex (punchline): That is technically true, cannibals!

from deep philosophical questions to jokes about funnybooks in 200 installments

Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Narrator: Today's origin story: Narrator: GREEN LANTERN T-Rex: "Green Lantern"?! T-Rex: I'll be honest, I haven't read any Green Lantern comics. He's got that power ring right? And he can make giant green fists with it? T-Rex: And robot suits? T-Rex: Can he make robot suits sometimes? T-Rex: Anyway, um - one day Green Lantern found a power ring! Utahraptor: It doesn't work on yellow, right? T-Rex: Yeah! Yeah, that's right! It doesn't work on yellow. Utahraptor: That's pretty weak. T-Rex: No argument here. Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Today's origin story: GREEN LANTERN T-Rex (punchline): One day Green Lantern found a power ring and used it to fight crime that wasn't yellow!

unfortunately i couldn't compress how amazingly well-written the book is :(

Narrator: COMPRESSED NOVEL COMICS Narrator: today's book: LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov T-Rex: Lolita, light of my life! Fire of my loins! My sin, my soul! T-Rex: Ha ha, so seriously, I have a thing for 12-year-old girls. I'm ashamed of it, and yet - T-Rex: - and yet, I certainly enjoy marrying widows in order to gain access to their pubescent daughters! Utahraptor: What you're doing is wrong! T-Rex: Oh, but I love her, my Lolita! T-Rex: I love her SO MUCH that I never let her out of my sight and try to keep her locked in the house as much as possible! AND, I deny her her allowance if she, in her childish way, won't give me certain favours. My love for her is THAT POWERFUL. Utahraptor: Makes sense. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): She ran away?!

nobody attribute "whom is responsible for all these hards on?" to me, because i hereby bequeath it fully, grammar and all, to my friend PATRICK WISKING INVENTOR OF THE CHOCOCHOP

T-Rex: Okay, time to get myself into some of them books of quotations! T-Rex: Hah! I mean, "some of THOSE books of quotations"! T-Rex: So here's some quotable quotes for you, Dromiceiomimus! "Failure is just success rounded down", "I enjoy friendly good times", and "Whom is responsible for all these hards on?". Perhaps you'd like to compile them into a volume? Dromiceiomimus: Hey, imagine if the only quotation that survived from you was "Time to get myself into some of them quote books"? T-Rex: I choose not to! Utahraptor: Yeah man, maybe all that survives from you is that quote! T-Rex: It's not even accurate!! Utahraptor: Years in the future, folks will try to reconstruct you from those few words. "Who was 'T-Rex'? We know of his interest in 'them quote books' [sic], and we can assume he found demonstrative pronouns a challenge." T-Rex: "Ignore that last bit! I meant to write that we know T-Rex was awesome and I wish I were like him." Off panel: "Anyway it's really too bad he couldn't talk well!" T-Rex: "Hold on, I meant to write that he COULD! For more TRUE FACTS, turn to page 45." Off panel: "Astute readers will note this book only goes to page 40." T-Rex (punchline): "Screw you, dude! Attention readers! Only read the good sentences!!"

your whole family is made out of (bones and) meat

T-Rex: Turns out, we're members of a social species! We need to see other people and if we don't we get sad and weird!! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE US! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, what are you talking about? You love having friends! T-Rex: Sure, absolutely! But I was under the impression it was OPTIONAL! I thought I was a CHOOSING to have friends, not that I was biologically hard-wired for 'em!! T-Rex: What other aspects of my personality are just BIOLOGICAL DIRECTIVES? Am I nothing more than a mass of genetic imperatives?? Utahraptor: Yep! Utahraptor: You're a mass of bones and meat with needs and desires, of course that's affected who you are! If I wasn't bones and meat with needs and desires myself, I'd be SHOCKED the system even works! T-Rex: I need and desire you to stop describing my body that way. Off panel: If you tried to turn a ham sandwich into a sentient intelligence you'd expect there to be SOME side effects, so why are you surprised to see 'em when we're running on FAT and BLOOD and WEIRD JUICES?? T-Rex (punchline): Okay nope that made it worse; let's go back to "bones and meat" please!

And let's also say that "Person A" and "Person B" are their actual, legal names. Does that change anything?

God: IT'S TIME FOR ROMANCE TIPS WITH T-REX T-Rex: Yes! Today is the day for some tips on how to convince yourself that no matter what you'll never find anyone bett- T-Rex: Okay! Today is the day for some tips on being romantic! T-Rex: Flowers are nice, for all sexes and genders! They're pretty and also - smell pretty? Also! It can be romantic to tell someone that you love them. Also, um. T-Rex: Okay, so here's the thing. Probably there is someone out there who's better suited with you. The odds of you both having found the ONE person who's absolutely best for you, no matter what system you use to rank "bestness", are pretty small. T-Rex: But! Utahraptor: But? T-Rex: BUT. T-Rex: Let's say you're happy with person A (95% perfect) and you meet person B who is 99% perfect. It doesn't make sense to leave person A for B if you've been with them for years! You lose out on all your shared history, and that's like a times two multiplier! Utahraptor: Romance? T-Rex: Romance with a times two multiplier! God: OKAY SO God: ROMANCE TIPS WITH T-REX WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA T-Rex (punchline): ...Righty-o

T-REX PERHAPS WE CAN DISCUSS THE RELIGION THING LATER BUT FOR NOW WE MUST MAINTAIN OUR EYES ON ULTIMATE GLORY OF THE SPEED RUN PRIZE

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH SPEED RUNS T-Rex: Only in the drug slang sense, which I'm probably inventing right now! T-Rex: Is it when people do a lot of "speed" and then run around? Devil: NEGATIVE IT IS MORE ACCURATELY WHEN ONE BESTS A VIDEO GAME IN THE SMALLEST POSSIBLE TIME Devil: I HAVE BEEN DOING A SPEED RUN FOR THE FIRST MARIO BROTHERS GAME AND I CAN ASSURE YOU MY BEST TIME SO FAR VERGES ON INSANELY FLABBERGASTING T-Rex: So this is like a skill people develop? Devil: INDEED IT IS AKIN TO A VIRTUOSO PIANO PERFORMANCE IN EVERY REGARD T-Rex: Well, I guess they WOULD be kind of neat to see! Utahraptor: What would? T-Rex: Seeing someone go through a video game as fast as they can. The Devil tells me these are called "speed runs". Utahraptor: Is he talking about machine-aided runs where you slow down the game and restore, or unassisted runs? T-Rex: Um - he didn't specify? Devil: T-REX PLEASE INFORM YOUR COMPANION THAT DABBLING IN MACHINE-ASSISTED RUNS IS THE ULTIMATE FORM OF HERESY T-Rex (punchline): I guess you'd know about that, huh? Cause of the whole "religion" thing? Devil: T-REX Devil: PLEASE TRY TO FOCUS ON THE TOPIC AT HAND

You just show that your first-person narrator was actually in an insane asylum and then OH MY GOD, did it actually happen? Who can say? Here, I can say. It didn't happen because your narrator was just no good. Listen. Never lend an unreliable narrator money.

T-Rex: An unreliable narrator is when Shakespeare tells you that his play Hamlet is pretty good, but then at the end Hamlet wakes up and he's on a friggin' bus. Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: Narrator: "UNRELIABLE NARRATOR" T-Rex: It's like - oh, it was all a dream and the whole time Hamlet was ACTUALLY snoozing on a bus next to an empty seat the whole time! What the heck, Hamlet? Laertes was the bus driver? This is SO MUCH WORSE than when you were stabbin' dudes and havin' broods. Dromiceiomimus: Um, Hamlet doesn't actually end like that, T-Rex. T-Rex: Pretty certain it does, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: Seriously, what are you talking about? T-Rex: The stupid "it was all a dream" ending in Hamlet! T-Rex: He wakes up and looks around and he catches the eye of a passenger who looks like Shakespeare? And the Shakespeare guy smiles and winks, The End? T-Rex: Don't tell me I'm the only one who made it to the end of Hamlet. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: T-Rex: Shakespeare, Hamlet ACTUALLY ends on a bus, right? Off panel: i'm so far from even knowing what a bus IS T-Rex (punchline): It's a little thing called a "METAPHOR", Will. Man! Study literary techniques much??

DURING AN INFOMERCIAL?!?

T-Rex: Today I am not going to make any decision, except for this decision, just now, not to make any decisions! T-Rex: This is great! I can't be held responsible for my actions! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, should I stomp this house FAST, or should I stomp this house SLOW? Dromiceiomimus: You should stomp that house not at all! T-Rex: I'm sorry but please limit your answers to the suggestions provided! Utahraptor: I'm disappointed, T-Rex! You're not living up to the possibilities of your decision! T-Rex: Oh? Utahraptor: Yeah, you could completely subsume your personality and only do what people tell you to do, thereby becoming the ultimate personification of society, and, likely, a very poignant example! Instead you're framing your questions so you do what you want to anyway. T-Rex: Oh man, I should totally become the ultimate personification of society! Everything I did would be instantly symbolic! T-Rex: Imagine the symbology if I committed suicide? T-Rex (punchline): WITH THE TV ON?

or more accurately: never has a fraction (of a fraction)*10^48 of a percent been OH SO AMAZINGLY SEXUAL

T-Rex: The number of atoms in my body is probably around 6 × 10^29. That's a 6 followed by 29 zeroes! T-Rex: Guys! T-Rex: That's an awful lot of friggin' atoms! T-Rex: But to compare, the number of atoms in the universe is EVEN MORE. Let's lowball it and say it's at least 10^80: that's one followed by eighty zeroes! And that means that the percentage of the atoms in the universe that's ALL ME is... zero point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero Dromiceiomimus: zero zero zero zero zero zero T-Rex: zero T-Rex: zero zero zero Utahraptor: zero zero zero zero zero Girl: [small] zero T-Rex: zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero Utahraptor: zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero T-Rex: zero zero six! T-Rex: ...which leads us nicely into to my new business card slogan: T-Rex (punchline): NEVER HAS A FRACTION OF A PERCENT BEEN MORE IMPORTANT