Datasets:

paul-stansifer

/

qwantz-strips

like 0

Wait. Are we ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN gophers can't grow on trees?

T-Rex: Let's say I decide to say a word only once in my ENTIRE life. That's a hapax legomenon! Narrator: HAPAX LEGOMENON Narrator: "just as cool as it sounds" T-Rex: Hapax legomenons are words that are only said once by someone! They're also words that only appear once a book, or even once in the ENTIRE RECORD OF A LANGUAGE. Like "gopherwood"! It only shows up ONCE in both the Bible AND in the entire written record of Classical Hebrew. That's one heck of a hapax! Utahraptor: What does it mean? T-Rex: Nobody knows! It's a kind of wood? Probably? T-Rex: It's there because God's all "NOAH BUILD AN ARK OUT OF GOPHERWOOD OKAY" but now we're all, "What? Um, maybe he meant cypress wood? Did somebody transcribe this friggin' poorly?" It's cool how unlikely we are to ever discover anything new about a hapax! Utahraptor: Its precise meaning will forever remain a mystery! God: T-REX GOPHERWOOD IS JUST WOOD THAT WAS PEED ON BY A GOPHER God: I CONFESS I FIND THE SCENT God: INTOXICATING T-Rex (punchline): YES ITS PRECISE MEANING WILL FOREVER REMAIN A MYSTERY

based on the cyclist who went by me yesterday while i had a few groceries in my arms and shouted "thanks for not using a plastic baaaaaagggggg"

T-Rex: Folks I Will ALWAYS Be Friends With: a list by me, T-Rex! T-Rex: One! Folks who use internal pluralization! T-Rex: It is just SO CLASSY when someone says "passers by" and eschews the much more pedestrian and terrible "passer bys". Shouts out to that! T-Rex: Two! Folks who yell compliments at me as they bike by! Off panel: Hey I like your styyyyyyyle Utahraptor: Holy crap! That was amazing!! Utahraptor: The odds that someone would do that just as you were mentioning it are so small! Did you set it up?! T-Rex: No, man, it was totally spontaneous! And totally crazy, too! Hah, I should have said "Folks who give me bars of solid gold" instead, right? Utahraptor: Hah! Narrator: ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: T-Rex: Folks who give me bars of solid gold! Off panel: Hey T-Rex you got greeeeeeedy T-Rex: Okay!! T-Rex (punchline): I'm almost positive I lack the context to fully understand that!

some of the animal descriptions in conrad gesner's "Historiae animalium" (published in the 1500s, the first modern attempt to describe all known beasts) are clearly from second or third hand sources, and are as such completely insane! fishy in panel 6 is one such example, he is a "rubus fisshe of the grekes se", noted as being EXTREMELY DELICIOUS

T-Rex: I had the craziest fever dream last night! T-Rex: It was the craziest! Dromiceiomimus: So what happened in your dream, T-Rex? T-Rex: Well, I'm not sure I can put it into words, but I'm pretty sure it went a little something like this. T-Rex: [a black-and-white image of a shirtless man held prisoner by two bulky robots on thin legs] Dromiceiomimus: Wow! Robots and all! Utahraptor: That was poetry, T-Rex! Amazing! I've never heard such evocative words. T-Rex: Thank you! T-Rex: I can do more, you know. I've been practicing! Here are my thoughts, dear Utahraptor, on what your spirit looks like. From one beautiful soul to another, you know? T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: [a black-and-white image of a man on a vintage bicycle; source: Kantner's “Book of Objects”, p. 171] T-Rex: Wait! Wait, I can do this. T-Rex: [a strange creature resembling a fish with many limbs on all sides and a long tail; a “rubus” from Conrad Gessner's “Historiæ Animalium”] T-Rex (punchline): Okay! Honestly not really sure what I just said there!

it is especially classy if you are dressed like punks because then you SHATTER CONVENTIONS

T-Rex: I have heard of the perfect way for one, and all of one's friends, to instantly appear to be the classiest group of people ever! Narrator: HOW TO APPEAR TO BE CLASSY T-Rex: The secret is the HANDSHAKE. If you greet all of your friends with a handshake, then, WITHOUT FAIL, people will start commenting on how classy you are! T-Rex: This is going to be great! T-Rex: And when people do compliment me on my classiness, I'll shake their hand! Utahraptor: I think you may be on to something! T-Rex: I do believe I am! T-Rex: But you didn't shake my hand just now. It is LESS classy to run up behind someone shouting than to give them a firm handshake! Utahraptor: Oops! My mistake. I'll shake your hand right now! Ready? T-Rex: Ready! Off panel: Okay, hold out your arm! T-Rex (punchline): Ha ha! Here I go!

tada is a really weird word; the more i stare at it the more i am convinced

Narrator: T-REX SOLVES YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. T-Rex: Hello everybody! If you stopped having relationships, maybe you'd stop having relationship problems! T-Rex: Okay anyway! T-Rex: Let's say you've got a problem with your partner: THAT SUCKS. But you two should talk about it, and if you can't reach a solution, resolution or compromise that's mutually satisfying and that you both believe will be acceptably implemented, then you should break up! It is a fail-proof algorithm for relationship satisfaction. Tada! Utahraptor: So the relationship now hangs in the balance of every disagreement, no matter how small! T-Rex: Of course not! T-Rex: OBVIOUSLY, if you value the relation ship and its potential future more than the sum of this problem plus all previous problems, then you should stay together! I folded that into "mutually satisfying". Utahraptor: Ah. T-Rex: All relationship problems ever: TOTALLY SOLVED?? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary: sometimes I worry that the only thing I'm not great at is modesty! T-Rex: However! T-Rex (punchline): These thoughts are, at best, infrequent

today's last panel is ANOTHER good email signature line! especially if you're a businessman/woman! Imagine: In conclusion: all evidence points to the fact that, despite misgivings, we must begin to consider utilizing 'coop-etition' and start workin

Narrator: AT THE RECEPTION: T-Rex: Well, the wedding went off without a hitch! T-Rex: Ha ha, not counting the slang meaning of 'hitch' of course! T-Rex: What did you think of the wedding, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but I cried! It was a beautiful wedding. Are you going to see the brides? T-Rex: I'm on my way there now! T-Rex: I will congratulate them on finding happiness! Utahraptor: What are you talking about? Utahraptor: The brides are gone, T-Rex! Remember when they ran down the church stairs while we showered confetti on them? They've left for their honeymoon! T-Rex: Oh yeah! But there's still cake for us, right? Utahraptor: Right! T-Rex (punchline): I love lesbian weddings!

yesterday t-rex said he had five girlfriends, and i got some emails from people asking if that was normal, because THEY haven't had five girlfriends. dudes, neither have i! i guess it's easier when you're t-rex and can consider a bank teller who was nice to you once to be a girlfriend OH SNAP I JUST BURNED A FICTIONAL CHARACTER THAT I CREATED!!!

T-Rex: So Paul Grice went on to clarify his cooperative principle, identifying four maxims describing how people generally communicate. He called these "GRICEAN Maxims". T-Rex: Nice one, Paul Grice! T-Rex: He's dead now. These maxims are pretty useful though! There's the Maxim of Quality (don't lie), the Maxim of Quantity (only say enough to make your point, no more or less), the Maxim of Relation (be relevant) and the Maxim of Manner (be clear, brief, and unambiguous). These are four different ways we cooperate with each other when communicating! Utahraptor: And if I were to say "I kissed him with my lips on the lips", that would be breaking Quantity! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: And arguably Manner. But by breaking them, I look for a HIDDEN meaning indicated by the flouting of the maxim! "What is so important about your and his lips?" I might ask myself. Utahraptor: They're like little pillows T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: ...What? Narrator: YEARS LATER, UTAHRAPTOR ONCE AGAIN REFERS TO HIS LIPS AS "LITTLE PILLOWS": T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex (punchline): ...Still?

That thing is 99% some else's perspiration! Eww. I don't care WHAT the remaining 1% is, I'm not touching it. I'm not! I'm not.

T-Rex: Hey, for whom does that bell toll? God: OH MAN God: DON'T EVEN ASK Narrator: FAMOUS QUOTATIONS IN SINGLE PANELS T-Rex: I'm not sure if my time machine sent me back too far! Quick: what time, age, epoch, and season is it? Dromiceiomimus: Best and worst, wisdom and foolishness, belief and incredulity, light and hope, and darkness and despair! T-Rex: Okay T-Rex: Neato T-Rex: This chick's writing fiction in her own room! Utahraptor: WHOAH. She must have MONEY. T-Rex: Aw man, did something gang aft agley in here? Something smells like it gang afty agleyed hardcore. Utahraptor: Yeah, I... kinda left some of my schemes out. My best-laid ones, actually. T-Rex: Dude. NAST-TEE. T-Rex: According to my map of the yellow woods, this road diverges here. Off panel: It doesn't matter which road we take: later we'll just TELL people we took the more indie one! T-Rex (punchline): Nice! I'm glad we didn't misunderstand this quote as is commonly done

REMAINING QUESTIONS INCLUDE WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER WANT TO KISS SOMEONE WHO, IN EMOTICON FORM, IS RENDERED AS ;Y

T-Rex: A friend of mine has started dating a new woman! A new woman named... DROMICEIOMIMUS?? T-Rex: And she's not even the REAL Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: This friend has failed to consider that I, like all REASONABLE individuals, have only enough room in my heart and mind for ONE friend of the same name! Dromiceiomimus, you don't know any other T-Rex, do you?? Dromiceiomimus: Well, actually - T-Rex: Exactly! "Well, actually - I totally do not, 100%." Thank you! Utahraptor: It sounded like she was going to say she knows another T-Rex! T-Rex: Ridiculous! Utahraptor: Okay, I'll say it: I know another T-Rex. I don't know him SUPER well, but we've been on a few dates. T-Rex: NO Utahraptor: I've had him over for dinner a few times. T-Rex: NOT ALLOWED Off panel: Once I accidentally sent you a message meant for him. T-Rex: THAT DOES EXPLAIN YOUR "THANKS FOR THE MOUTH KISSES ;Y" TEXT T-Rex (punchline): ACTUALLY, ONLY PARTIALLY

alternate ending: last panel blank

T-Rex: The problem with Valentine's Day is that, if you get your sweetie chocolates, the sweetness of the gesture is tainted with some measure of Societal Expectation! T-Rex: That's the problem with Valentine's Day! T-Rex: And that's all I have to say on the subject!! Utahraptor: T-Rex! Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! T-Rex: WHAT? Utahraptor: I got you a chocolate T-Rex: These chocolates don't taste like they're tainted by Societal Expectation at all. Thank you Utahraptor! Off panel: You're welcome! T-Rex: They taste a little like ironic comeuppance, but - T-Rex (punchline): I like that flavour.

if this were a movie you'd hear raccoon chittering sounds reach a crescendo just before the screen went black

T-Rex: So the good news is that the raccoons and cephalopods aren't hanging around my house anymore! T-Rex: The BAD news is that they've moved in together next door! Dromiceiomimus: Really! Wow, that's quite a development! T-Rex: Yeah, quite a sinister development! The two animals I find the freakiest develop the ability to talk and move in next door? I do not need to know animals with these abilities! Utahraptor: Hey, do you think these recent events in your life could be an allegory for racism? T-Rex: Not really! It's not racist to like some animals and not others. Besides, I'm not irrationally against raccoons and cephalopods: they've threatened me! They wait menacingly outside my house for me to come home! Utahraptor: And "some of your best friends are raccoons and cephalopods", right? Narrator: THAT NIGHT: T-Rex (punchline): Cephalopod and raccoon neighbours, I respect your unique worldview! Off panel: YOU ALWAYS HAVE SUCH NICE THINGS TO SAY, T-REX. Off panel: COME CLOSER, T-REX Off panel: GIVE US A KISS

this comic is dedicated to all the times we'd sit around and talk about just wastin' food

T-Rex: The manliest thing in the world? Easy! T-Rex: Wastin' food! T-Rex: Oh man, imagine a guy who orders a big steak dinner with all the fixings, and then when it's delivered, he just flips it onto the floor! T-Rex: That would be one tough dude! I would rate him, "Super Manly". Utahraptor: Okay, you've lost me: how is wasting food manly? T-Rex: It just is! T-Rex: It captures the ESSENCE of masculinity: doing stuff that we think is cool, even though there's many a good reason not to do it! Utahraptor: Like flipping plates of food onto the ground? T-Rex: Like friggin' draining a lake, filling it with Sloppy Joes, and then spraying the whole thing with pesticides! T-Rex: And piloting the crop duster PERSONALLY. I tell you, wasting food: the manliest thing in the world! T-Rex (punchline): That and punchin' stuff!

i like how the narrator is all, 'a comic about a talking dinosaur?', like he's just finding out about this now. HOW'S YOUR FIRST DAY GOING, PANEL 2 NARRATOR? FULL OF SURPRISES??

T-Rex: Maybe it's time for me to start... A NEW RELIGION! God: MAYBE NOT T-Rex: But maybe it is though!! Narrator: T-REX AND HIS BRAND NEW RELIGION Narrator: a comic about a talking dinosaur? T-Rex: Okay so in this new religion you should be nice to each other because that's nice. And you can do whatever you want as long as there is informed consent between all parties involved. And everyone gets bikes. I will say that if you join my religion then you get a new bike. Dromiceiomimus: How many religions have you started so far, T-Rex? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! THIS IS ONLY THE THIRD! God: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STARTING A NEW RELIGION T-Rex: And I can't believe how awesome it is! Utahraptor: But T-Rex! [no text] Off panel: Um... but - uh, how can you afford that? Bikes aren't free. T-Rex (punchline): What the hell, man?

high seas high is also OF COURSE the name of a boat stoner comedy. science has LONG ago proven that all genres are vastly improved by adding "boat" in front of them, witness: boat romance, boat action, boat found footage

Narrator: HOW TO BE A SAILOR T-Rex: Oh crap! Is there like a school you go to for that? Like... sailor school? Boat Undergrad? T-Rex: High Seas High? Dromiceiomimus: Aren't you supposed to be the teacher here? T-Rex: DUDE I JUST WANDERED IN HERE FROM THE LEFT. I have no idea what I'm doing! Utahraptor: Hello, T-Rex! I'm here to be taught how to be a sailor, as was promised to me! T-Rex: FRIG T-Rex: Boats! The planes of the sea! Boats have been used since history times, but how does one command these mighty vessels? How does one bend the will of Poseidon, forcing him to shoulder even our most audacious boat-shaped objects?? Utahraptor: These are among the questions I have, yes Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Attention, class!! T-Rex (punchline): I tried to look boats up on Wikipedia, but according to Wikipedia, my IP is totes banned from Wikipedia

was dromiceiomimus going to suggest ast...ereognosis? ast...erales? ast...oria regional airport, the?

T-Rex: Oh boy, am I ever glad I read the news today! I certainly am happy with all the terrible things happening in the world. T-Rex: Attention, everyone within the sound of my voice! I was attempting: T-Rex: SARCASM Dromiceiomimus: So what bad news did you read, T-Rex? Oil spills? Environmental collapse? Global warming? Ast- T-Rex: Oh man! Oh crap!! Oh crap crap crap! T-Rex: I forgot about global warming AGAIN Utahraptor: Man! Are you going to tell us what you read in the news or not? T-Rex: Oh, just about octopods! T-Rex: Just how they're massing in gangs a thousand strong in the Pacific, eating anything in their path, PULLING FISHERMEN OFF THEIR BOATS. Just that sort of thing!! Utahraptor: Really? That's so sinister. T-Rex: THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS! Narrator: LATER, AT HOME: Off panel: TELL OUR PACIFIC ASSOCIATES WE SAY "HELLO", T-REX. T-Rex (punchline): I - okay? Listen, how did you get into my k- Off panel: AND ALSO THAT WE SAY "MESSAGE RECEIVED, PLAN OMEGA BLACK PHASE TWO COMMIT" Off panel: "GO GO GO"

using all phrases in one day is bonus points; using all phrases in one situation-appropriate sentence is a times two multiplier that you can apply to any other score of your choosing

Narrator: PHRASES THAT NEED TO BE USED MORE T-Rex: Here are some phrases that we need to be saying more often, cats and kittens! Narrator: "CATS AND KITTENS" T-Rex: See? I'M ALREADY HELPING. Narrator: "SMOKIN' BOD" T-Rex: People should compliment me on my smokin' bod more often! I WILL GLADLY DO THE SAME. Dromiceiomimus: You have a smokin' bod, T-Rex! T-Rex: THANK YOU, Dromiceiomimus! You have a smokin' bod as well! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Wooo! Narrator: "FRIENDLY GOOD TIMES" Utahraptor: This phrase can be used in reference to friendly good times! T-Rex: And how! Narrator: "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING" T-Rex: Nothing bad ever happens when you eat the whole thing, you guys! It doesn't matter what thing it is. I've NEVER had negative consequences from doing this. Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: None that I care to remember, Utahraptor!! Narrator: "WHO PUT POOPS IN MY BREAKFAST" T-Rex (punchline): Hey. It'll be better for all of us if we just find out who's doing it.

t-rex that's what you get for using "intercourse" in the 18th century sense! nobody nowadays uses "conversational intercourse" unless every other intercourse option has been exhausted

T-Rex: Okay, so we all know when we look at distant stars, we're actually seeing what they looked like long ago, since light takes time to reach us. But light takes time to travel anywhere, EVEN JUST ACROSS THE ROOM. So when I'm looking at my hands - T-Rex: - AND I INDULGE IN THIS ACTIVITY OFTEN - T-Rex: - I'm actually looking at past hands! I've NEVER seen my hands as they currently are. I live in the present and I totally spend all my time there, but I'm constantly surrounded by ghostly images of times gone by! We talk, Dromiceiomimus, but all I can see is your ghost!! Can you feel yourself tripping ALL the balls?? Dromiceiomimus: W- T-Rex: We're leaving no ball left untripped here, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: T-Rex, even if your hands were 5m from your eyes, you know how long light takes to travel that? 16.7 NANOseconds. T-Rex: So? T-Rex: That's not a problem? Utahraptor, I'm ASSUMING you're still here, but you could've disappeared already and I'd have NO IDEA. You could disappear at any point during our CONVERSATIONAL INTERCOURSE and I'd only find out about it like 16.7 nanoseconds l- T-Rex (punchline): whoah

On The Practical And Useful Art Of Tripping Balls

T-Rex: Relativity means that time dilates the faster you move. The faster you go, the slower time moves for you relative to a motionless observer! T-Rex: And the Earth is rotating at about 1600 km an hour!! T-Rex: So time's going just a little bit more slowly for us than it would be going for a motionless observer. Neat, huh? Dromiceiomimus: Yeah! Plus the Earth orbits the sun at 107,000 km an hour, so we're stuck in time a little bit more. T-Rex: Neat! Dromiceiomimus: And the solar system itself is tearing around our galactic core at about 220km a SECOND. T-Rex: ...N-Neat? Utahraptor: And that's just the motion we know about! T-Rex: There's MORE? Utahraptor: The galaxy's moving through the universe, and the universe ITSELF could be moving. What if it's moving at relativistic speed, T-Rex? What if our universe exists for but a single split second, but it seems like billions of years for us, caught inside it? T-Rex: OH NO I'M TRIPPING T-Rex: BAAAALLLLSSSSSS T-Rex: OH NO, NOW I DON'T WANT TO STOP TRIPPING THESE BALLS BECAUSE I'M OPEN TO POSSIBILITIES I'VE NEVER CONSIDERED BEFOORREEEE T-Rex (punchline): NIIIIIIIIIICE

backstory: t-rex was trying out some new material on the road

T-Rex: Here are some of the worst things I've ever done by accident! ACCIDENT ONE: slapped someone right in the face! T-Rex: Kapow! Dromiceiomimus: How was that an accident? T-Rex: I didn't see them there, that's all! Dromiceiomimus: And - what? You were just slapping the space around you to pass the time? T-Rex: WHO CAN SAY? All we really know for sure is that it was DEFINITELY an accident. Utahraptor: Man, that was ME you slapped in the face, T-Rex! T-Rex: Hah! Accidentally! Utahraptor: It was only an "accident" after the fact. Before the fact, you were like, "Hey, Utahraptor, I'm going to slap you in the face. I have been planning this slap for weeks and only now does my plan reach fruition!" T-Rex: Man, such slander! Your parents should've named YOU "Sweeps Week". T-Rex: By that, I mean to say that you are doing something controversial and exciting in order to get higher ratings! I'm likening you to a TV show. T-Rex (punchline): We cool?

i thought it stood for "film actor's guilder", and as such was not surprised to see its members so well represented in youtube comments

Narrator: INTERNET ARGUMENT COMICS Narrator: NAZI ACCUSATIONS T-Rex: Can we accept that everyone on the internet is PROBABLY a Nazi, and move on?? Narrator: YOU'RE BEING PRESCRIPTIVIST ABOUT LANGUAGE AND KEEP TELLING EVERYONE ELSE HOW TO TYPE T-Rex: Keep up the good work! Narrator: NO THE PROBLEM IS THIS IS A JERKY THING TO DO T-Rex: I respectfully disagree!! T-Rex: Bitches gotta know when they've screwed up capitalization! Narrator: YOU THINK "FAIL" IS SYNONYMOUS WITH "Q.E.D." Utahraptor: Who says "Q.E.D." online? T-Rex: Honestly. Narrator: YOU ARE TYPING IN ALL CAPS T-Rex: I ACTUALLY HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT Utahraptor: ME NEITHER AS I FIND IT TO BE A REASONABLE FORM OF EXPRESSION T-Rex: RIGHT ON Narrator: YOU SEEM UNAWARE THAT "FAG" IS SHORT FOR "YOU ARE A *F*RIEND I RESPECT; *A*S SUCH I *G*REATLY LOOK FORWARD TO COMMUNICATING WITH YOU IN AN HONEST WAY IN THE FUTURE" T-Rex: Man, here I thought it stood for "Fellow Against Galactophagists"! T-Rex (punchline): Sheesh

it turns out i basically already wrote yesterday's comic on December 11th 2006! but you can read yesterday's comic as a sequel to that, only with utahraptor being all "t-rex you can never win with me, my friend"

Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS ASKS: IF YOU COULD GAIN ANY SENSE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? T-Rex: A sense of FUTURE sight! Dudes! T-Rex: I could look around and say "In ten minutes, it's going to rain!" T-Rex: But then the downside is that if I saw a car accident, I'd be duty-bound to try to prevent it. And PLUS, once word got out about my awesome power, whenever I was with my friends and they tripped or whatever, they'd blame me! They'd sit on the ground rubbing their knee saying "THANKS T-REX" with ultimate sarcasm when THEY were the clumsy chumps! Utahraptor: Well, why wouldn't you warn us? T-Rex: Maybe my mouth was full! T-Rex: Maybe I was warning someone else to my left! MAYBE RISK IS PART OF FREEDOM AND BY PROTECTING MY FRIENDS FROM ALL POSSIBLE DANGER I STUNT THEIR GROWTH AND BECOME THE SINGLE GREATEST THREAT TO THEIR OWN SELF-REALIZATION?? T-Rex: Also, maybe the guy tripping was HITLER. T-Rex: That's right, Utahraptor! I'll say I'm friends with Hitler to win an argument!! T-Rex (punchline): It is the "Reverse Godwin" and the most powerful debate technique ever?

MOM AND DAD DO NOT READ THIS COMIC. IF YOU HAVE ALREADY READ IT, THEN MAN ISN'T IT WEIRD HOW VICTOR WROTE THIS COMIC? YES HE SENT ME THIS COMIC STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BLUE. WHAT A WEIRD BROTHER I HAVE, HA HA HA

T-Rex: I'm not anti-love or anti-expressions-'o-love! I just feel like it's time we, as a culture, admit that being single can be totally rad too. Lots of people do it by choice! T-Rex: You know what these people say? T-Rex: "Sorry suckers, but y'all are duds!" T-Rex: "It's not gonna take two people to eat this cool sandwich I bought for myself. I got this." - that's what they say! Dromiceiomimus: "I have decided not to entangle my own emotional well-being and stability with that of someone else." T-Rex: Exactly! Also, if you only have sex with yourself there's zero risk of pregnancy or STIs. Am I seriously the only one who realizes this?? Utahraptor: Sex with a partner can be pretty neat though! T-Rex: Pfft! T-Rex: Dude, sex by yourself can be pretty neat too! You know that saying about how if you want to become truly great at something, you just need to practice it EVERY DAY?? Well WALK IT OFF, BABIES, because I found out what happens if you practice it EVERY HOUR!! Utahraptor: ...Yes? T-Rex (punchline): YOU, UM, GET BORED

your whole family is made out of (bones and) meat

T-Rex: Turns out, we're members of a social species! We need to see other people and if we don't we get sad and weird!! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE US! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, what are you talking about? You love having friends! T-Rex: Sure, absolutely! But I was under the impression it was OPTIONAL! I thought I was a CHOOSING to have friends, not that I was biologically hard-wired for 'em!! T-Rex: What other aspects of my personality are just BIOLOGICAL DIRECTIVES? Am I nothing more than a mass of genetic imperatives?? Utahraptor: Yep! Utahraptor: You're a mass of bones and meat with needs and desires, of course that's affected who you are! If I wasn't bones and meat with needs and desires myself, I'd be SHOCKED the system even works! T-Rex: I need and desire you to stop describing my body that way. Off panel: If you tried to turn a ham sandwich into a sentient intelligence you'd expect there to be SOME side effects, so why are you surprised to see 'em when we're running on FAT and BLOOD and WEIRD JUICES?? T-Rex (punchline): Okay nope that made it worse; let's go back to "bones and meat" please!

SOMEONE CALL 911 BECAUSE THESE BURNS ARE IN CRITICAL CONDITION / THAT IS TO SAY / THEY ARE EXTREMELY SICK

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX IT IS I THE DEVIL Devil: I HAVE A QUERY TO PUT TO YOU AND IT GOES THUSLY Devil: DO YOU THINK IT'S REASONABLE FOR A COMPANY TO RELEASE A REMAKE OF A VIDEO GAME T-Rex: Sure! Devil: OH SO YOU DON'T BELIEVE GAMES SHOULD STRIVE FOR INNOVATION T-Rex: They should do that too! Devil: AH SO YOU COME DOWN IN FAVOUR OF ENHANCED REMAKES THAT TREAT THE ORIGINAL CLASSIC AS MERE INSPIRATION AND YOU WOULD IN FACT EMBRACE EVEN CHANGES THAT ALTER THE ORIGINAL'S FUNDAMENTAL MECHANICS AND APPEAL T-Rex: Well, no, but - Devil: T-REX DEBATING VIDEO GAMES IS NOT AN ARENA THAT ADMITS SHADES OF GREY THINGS ARE EITHER TOTALLY AWESOME OR INCREDIBLY TERRIBLE T-Rex: Look. I like games that are fun! Utahraptor: I like games that are fun, too! Devil: NOT WHAT I ASKED T-Rex: Remaking a game can make it updated AND more accessible, and changes can be made without changing the fundamental appeal of the game. Devil: YOU ARE DESCRIBING A SEQUEL NOT A REMAKE T-REX ASK ME IF I EVER GET TIRED OF BEING RIGHT ALL THE TIME T-Rex (punchline): Do you? Devil: I DO NOT Devil: IT'S GREAT Devil: YOU SHOULD TRY IT Devil: DEVIL OUT

utahraptor does see the benefit of talking about it, of course, he just wants to avoid a discussion about meta-ethics with t-rex. it would be nice to go one week without talking about meta-ethics, is his opinion.

T-Rex: When someone says "murder is wrong", they're clearly making an ethical statement. But what are they actually saying? Let's totally find out! T-Rex: Okay, so - T-Rex: "Murder is wrong!" T-Rex: Wait - was I just saying that it is objectively and verifiably true that murder is always wrong? That's a pretty big statement. Or was I merely saying that it's the societal consensus of most that murder is not such a good idea? Maybe it's an emotional statement, saying "I'm against murder, personally". Or MAYBE it's more of an imperative, better phrased as "Don't murder!" Utahraptor: We've built a whole system around ethics, and you're questioning its foundation! T-Rex: That's right, baby! T-Rex: I think it's cool that most people will agree that "murder is wrong", but that they all might have very different ideas of what that actually means. We never really specify! Utahraptor: And we never will! What's to be gained from arguing fine semantic points of justifying MURDER? T-Rex: A better understanding of ethics? Plus the ability to not feel bad for accidentally "murdering" your friends who shoot down your ideas. T-Rex: I MEAN T-Rex (punchline): OOPS

that cockroach sentence comes from my text adventure epic, ''your mouth is full of cockroaches.'' it's like a regular text adventure, except every room description starts with that sentence. if you type 'remove cockroaches from mouth' all it says is ''you think about it, and decide you just don't want to do that.''

Narrator: WHAT IS THE WORST SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMICS T-Rex: "Your mouth is full of cockroaches: many of them are dead, but those that aren't yet are throwing up on you, and each other." Narrator: SECONDS LATER: T-Rex: I'm sorry, everyone within the sound of my voice! That was disgusting! T-Rex: I didn't mean for that to be as gross as it was. I should have went with "I never loved you!". That's pretty bad, eh? Dromiceiomimus: Can cockroaches throw up? I think I read somewhere that they can't throw up. T-Rex: I think you're thinking of rats. Dromiceiomimus: Ah, that's right. Utahraptor: So, I guess we're not that into the "worst sentence ever" thing? T-Rex: No no, we're into it! T-Rex: Here: how about "Everyone else on the planet is dead, and you will die only when you've fully mourned each and every one." Utahraptor: That's not bad! That's immortality for the self centered! Narrator: HERE'S THE ONE TIME T-REX EVER SAYS THAT SENTENCE: T-Rex (punchline): Excuse me, sexual congress? Everyone else on the planet is dead, and you'll only die when you've fully mourned each and every one! Off panel: That's terrible! Off panel: Guys, stop sexing me for a minute!! I need to talk to this dinosaur.

ALTERNATE ENDING: Utahraptor, ain't nobody a better bro to HTML than me! / I'm down with the W3C / BFFs with Tim Berners-Lee / At least the version of him from back in '93 / *record scratch* / ...Why doesn't he call?

T-Rex: God, give me a beat! God: BOOP BOOP BA-DOOPA DOOP T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: They call me <b> cause my flow be bold / Been writing HTML since I was 12 years old! T-Rex: There ain't a word in the spec that I don't know / for example the <tr> tag means a new table row! Dromiceiomimus: Babe you got <center> tags all over and your shit's all deprecated / With such sloppy markup language, can't BELIEVE we ever dated T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus you better not be bringing HTML 5 all up in here / Cause if it ain't got itself a <blink> tag then it's STRICTLY second tier Utahraptor: "Blink"? Pshaw. I bet you're not even XML-strict. Your doctype reads "-//1.0 MY//ASS GOT KICKED//" T-Rex: *gasp* Utahraptor: Can't follow what I'm sayin so I'll underline it for you / <span style= "text-decoration:underline">SLAPPED DOWN</span> is all I really gotta do T-Rex: When I hit <u> you gonna take it on the chin / 80 years later, you're STILL typing markup in! Utahraptor: Man, you're a friend equivalent of IE 5: Off panel: No-one wants you around or even wants you still alive! T-Rex: Well YOU'RE the friend equivalent of CSS / All hot and sexy, knowing how to impress / Making bros pull out their heterosexuality to reassess T-Rex: Man! It happened again!! T-Rex (punchline): WHY DO MY FREESTYLES ALWAYS END UP SUPER GAY

i think today i woke up on the side of the bed where you prefer being awesome is all

T-Rex: Wait a second. Wait a second! T-Rex: I've never bought a drink for a stranger in a bar! T-Rex: Holy crap! How did I get THIS FAR in my life without doing that? How did I spend SO MUCH TIME ALIVE without ever sending a drink over, and when the bartender points me out to the recipient, smiling and tipping the brim of my hat, WHETHER I'M WEARING ONE OR NOT? Dromiceiomimus: ...Wait, I've never had a drink bought FOR me by a stranger in a bar either! Dromiceiomimus and T-Rex: Daaaang! Utahraptor: Maybe it's not like in movies, though! Maybe it's kinda terrible. T-Rex: Utahraptor, I appreciate what you're doing! T-Rex: But it's clear you're just trying to cheer us up by acting like this isn't totally rad. How many times have you done it? Utahraptor: Oh, I don't know - maybe seven sending and twelve receiving? T-Rex: ...WHAT?! T-Rex: Utahraptor! I thought I was cool with my good friends being more awesome than me, but I think right now I'd really prefer it if I were the most awesome. T-Rex: I'm not sure what I'm asking here T-Rex (punchline): Please just keep it in mind for now

t-rex went back in time to kill charles chaplin?

T-Rex: Hello everybody! I'm back in the present, after going way the heck back in time to kill a great dictator for the common good! T-Rex: Now, to convince my friends that I'm not coo-coo KRAZY! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm back from the past, where I've changed the timeline to remove someone bad from history! Isn't that PLAUSIBLE? Dromiceiomimus: Um - do you have any evidence? T-Rex: My only evidence is how incredibly plausible my story is. I would rate it: super plausible! Utahraptor: I find it pretty implausible that you'd return to a future where we all remember you just as you are! T-Rex: Oh yeah? T-Rex: Go ahead, ask me anything. I bet I'll get it wrong! Utahraptor: This is dumb. T-Rex: You know what's dumb? Not believing my incredibly plausible story! Narrator: MEANWHILE, SOMEONE ELSE HAS GONE BACK IN TIME TO KILL T-REX! T-Rex (punchline): WHAT THE HELL.

2 SAD 2 B CANON

T-Rex: It turns out horses aren't the only inspiration English uses for its idioms. We also use... doors? T-Rex: OPPORTUNITY knocks on doors, you guys! T-Rex: And when Opportunity closes a door, it also opens another. Sometimes, SOMETIMES, it opens a window. Dromiceiomimus: These could be classified equally well as "idioms involving abstract concepts somehow granted agency". T-Rex: Ooh! Like when Fortune favours the bold! Or when an ounce of Prevention is better than a pound of Cure! Utahraptor: ...Gross. T-Rex: Yeah, that's - that turned out gross. Utahraptor: Anyway! I think all we can conclude is that folks talk about the things around them, and horses were around us for a really long time. And THAT suggests that millions of years from now, there'll be lots of aphorisms about transporters, spacebots and cyberdroids! T-Rex: AWESOME T-Rex (punchline): I CAN'T WAIT Narrator: MILLIONS OF YEARS LATER: Off panel: Attention patrons: Off panel: Our paleontology exhibit closes in five minutes

then I thought, i gotta get out of here before someone walks in and says, hey, what are you doing in here with that topless racist

T-Rex: All funny t-shirts use the same unmodified t-shirt canvas: T-Rex: Slogan on the front! And maybe on the back sometimes! T-Rex: Forget that, man! Let's kick it up a notch or two! Let's break free of our self-imposed t-shirt boundaries. Dromiceiomimus: How? Funny sweaters? Funny evening gowns? Funny HOSIERY? T-Rex: Layers, Dromiceiomimus! SEQUENCES. T-Rex: Beneath an "I'M WITH STUPID" shirt, wear another one that says "NO, NOT REALLY". Utahraptor: Handy in case Stupid gets mad! T-Rex: Exactly! And beneath that, another shirt that says "IF I WAS STANDING NEXT TO A VISIBLE MINORITY WITH THE OTHER SHIRT I DIDN'T MEAN IT AND I APOLOGIZE!!" Beneath that, "YOU GUYS, I'M NOT ACTUALLY RACIST"; beneath that, "IT WAS JUST THE UNFORTUNATE JUXTAPOSITION OF MY SHIRT FROM 4 SHIRTS AGO AND A PERSON" T-Rex: I was inspired when I saw a racist person stripping! T-Rex (punchline): I thought, wow, if only they'd been wearing the shirts I just invented.

THERE ARE CERTAINLY SOME PERKS

Devil: T-REX I WAS RECENTLY SPECULATING ON THE PROMISE OF AR AND WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD REMARK ON THIS MATTER T-Rex: I don't even know what Ayar is! Please don't tell me. Devil: IT IS AN ACRONYM FOR AUGMENTED REALITY T-Rex: Aw man, now I know one more nerd thing!! SO MUCH FOR KISSING SUPERMODELS. Devil: I BELIEVE THERE EXIST SUPERMODELS WHO KISS THOSE WHO KNOW THINGS ABOUT AUGMENTED REALITY IN FACT MOST OF THE PROMINENT AR RESEARCHERS ARE MARRIED TO MODELS OF THE SUPER PERSUASION T-Rex: FINE. Tell me about AR. Devil: RATHER THAN REPLACING THE WORLD YOU MERELY DIGITALLY ENHANCE IT SO YOU HAVE A SHOOTER USING REAL-WORLD ARCHITECTURE AND ONLY THE ENEMIES WOULD BE VIRTUAL T-Rex: OR while hiking, a giant arrow in the sky could mark your destination! That'd be awesome! Utahraptor: What's this? T-Rex: Augmented reality! I guess you'd sport semi-transparent glasses and a wearable computer, but it could detect your location and display all sorts of cool things for you to see! The Devil told me about it? Utahraptor: Yep, it's sentences like that that make me think you maybe SHOULDN'T tell folks where your ideas come from. T-Rex (punchline): Can we play AR games RIGHT NOW, The Devil? Devil: UNFORTUNATELY CONSUMER-LEVEL TECHNOLOGY IS YEARS AWAY BUT AS A TIMELESS INCARNATION OF EVIL I WILL STILL BE AROUND TO PLAY IT UPON RELEASE Devil: ROCK

first off, you need to play him HANDSOMER

T-Rex: Alright everyone! Let's do our friggin' TAXES again, okay? T-Rex: Let's do them every year until we die, okay? T-Rex: And let's continue to pretend computers don't exist and that relying on PAPER RECEIPTS for proof of taxable expenses is a really awesome idea. Dromiceiomimus: What's your alternative, a government keeps track of all your money and does your taxes for you? T-Rex: I do recognize that's bad, but it's a FUTURE bad that must be weighed against the PRESENT bad of taxes being totally stupid and I hate them. Utahraptor: Hi, my name's T-Rex and I'm complaining about taxes again! Surprised? T-Rex: Oh, hello T-Rex! T-Rex: My name's Utahraptor, and I'M gonna say something holier-than-thou soon about taxes being a privilege to pay as they allow society to function. I kinda like being WAY BETTER than everyone else, you know? Utahraptor: No, actually - I wouldn't know. T-Rex: ...Okay! I wanna be T-Rex again now!! T-Rex (punchline): You're MESSING HIM UP

remember the time traveller spammer who needed a dimensional warp generator, back in 2003? i - well, i hope he got his dimensional warp generator

T-Rex: I have begun to receive insulting spam messages: really vitriolic ones! T-Rex: And there's not even a product to buy! T-Rex: It's like - it's this one spammer who got SO PISSED that nobody was enlarging their penis anymore that he just went off the deep end. And now he's insulting thousands of people per second in the most hateful vile and terrible screeds I've ever read. So awful! Utahraptor: But how do you know it's spam? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Well, has anyone else gotten messages like this? Maybe the guy really just dislikes you! T-Rex: I - I assumed it was spam because of all the spelling mistakes and because the guy's name was "Boorishly P. Foundry"! But - hmm... Narrator: TEN POINT EIGHT YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Hey Boorishly! Your name sounds made up! Off panel: Huh! That didn't get me so mad initially, but I think it's making me madder at the rate of 1/1000th of a rage unit per day! T-Rex (punchline): Hey Boorishly! WHATEVER

pi in pinary isn't 1 because ten in base 10 isn't 1. you wouldn't even get 1 = pi in base 1/10th pi, which is a shame, because a fractional base using transcendental numbers? THIS WAY LIES MADNES- actually i kinda do want to work with this system, disregard previous claims of madness

T-Rex: Everyone's always all "oh boo hoo hoo pi is a transcendental number that goes on forever", and then they go on to sob, "oh man writing the precise value of pi out is gonna take a long time, boo hoo hoo." T-Rex: Walk it off, everyone!! T-Rex: It only takes forever because you're writing it in base 10. Have you even TRIED writing out pi in base pi? It's super easy. You know what pi is in base pi? It's 10. Ask me what pi is in base pi, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: What's - T-Rex: It's 10. T-Rex: I just said. T-Rex: Ten. Utahraptor: So what's 2+2 decimal, answering in base pi? T-Rex: EASY! In decimal that's 4, so that's about 1.3 of a pi - T-Rex: So in "pi-imal" it would be around 10.2? Approximately? Look, it's gonna take an infinite number of digits to represent the answer. Utahraptor: That's some number system you got there, T-Rex. T-Rex: Hey. In base pi the decimal point is called "the pi point", which ALSO sounds like a nice bakery! God: T-REX DID YOU JUST MAKE A PI/PIE JOKE BECAUSE I WARNED YOU I WOULD SHUT DOWN THE UNIVERSE IF THAT HAPPENED God: I'VE DONE IT EIGHTY TRILLION TIMES BEFORE AND GUESS HOW MANY REGRETS I HAVE T-Rex (punchline): ...Zero? God: FINGER ON THE BUTTON HERE DUDE

"ow ow ow!! my EMOTIONS."

T-Rex: The Amazing Life, by T-Rex! T-Rex: A story with an EGG-citing twist!! T-Rex: Once upon a time there was an entity named "Eddie Grimlock Gabriella" who was born in a pile of hay. But after he was born he was taken away by a strange man! The man locked him in a box and put the box in a truck. Then another man rescued him from the truck but put him up for sale!! Finally someone paid the ransom and rescued him and took him into their home. T-Rex: WHERE THEY PLACED HIS BODY INTO BOILING WATER AND ATE HIM!! Utahraptor: Edward's an egg, right? T-Rex: WHOAH!! How'd you know? Utahraptor: Well, his name spells "EGG" and you promised an "EGG-citing twist", the English language equivalent of a flashing neon sign that reads "Why Not Think About Eggs". T-Rex: Aw geez, right!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: "The Amazing Life", by T-Rex! A WHALE of a good story where everything goes to the DOGS! T-Rex: Ouch! T-Rex (punchline): What the hell, I despise that last sentence so much that it's actually hurting my self esteem??

this comic contains 100% facts except for where I refer to the two men "Telegraph Joe" and "Telephone Tim", in real life these two inventors never met / existed

T-Rex: The first telegram sent read "WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT": an amazingly classy message for an amazingly classy medium! God: DUDE THAT'S SUPER CLASSY T-Rex: I know! Nice work, Telegraph Joe! Narrator: CLASSINESS OF MEDIA BY FIRST MESSAGE SENT Narrator: #1: TELEGRAPH Narrator: #2: TELEPHONE T-Rex: The first message sent on the telephone was "Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you", which is obviously less classy but still not terrible. It's a solid "Bro, let's hang out, bro" message! Plus: it's got a nice Sherlock Holmes reference! Dromiceiomimus: No it doesn't T-Rex: Nice work, Telephone Tim! Narrator: #3: EMAIL Utahraptor: Oh god, email. THE WORST. T-Rex: IT'S SO BAD. Utahraptor: The first email ever sent was "QWERTYUIOP", a caps lock dude literally running his finger along the keyboard, and we're surprised that email today is mostly lolcat forwards? T-Rex: If you want a classy medium you need to start with a classy message! When I invent one, the first message is gonna be CLASS. Narrator: #[LAST PLACE]: T-REX'S "WEE-MAIL": T-Rex: It's email that's so fun you say "weeee!" and give a thumbs up when you read it! I just sent the first weemail ever: "weee - d(^_^d)" T-Rex: Also! T-Rex (punchline): That's the last wee-mail ever, I'm not made of weemails over here

i wish i had more times in my life where i could shout 'don't listen to him!'

T-Rex: I find "cooties" to be an interesting idea. We hear about this 'disease' as children, and we never forget! T-Rex: Nobody wants to have cooties, despite the fact that they have no effect on anyone whatsoever! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, you have cooties? T-Rex: What? No! I don't have cooties! Nobody has cooties! Dromiceiomimus: Okay, but I heard you had cooties! I heard you had them bad! Utahraptor: T-Rex, you have cooties?! T-Rex: No I don't! T-Rex: What's with everyone asking me if I have cooties? Maybe YOU have cooties! Utahraptor: Ha ha, nice try! We all know that you're the one with cooties! T-Rex: I'm not! Utahraptor: I don't know... seems to me like you are! T-Rex: IT IS CLEAR THAT I DO NOT IN FACT HAVE COOTIES! Off panel: Everyone! This T-Rex here has cooties! T-Rex (punchline): No! Don't listen to him!

EARLIER: "ryan, what is it like inside your head? can you perhaps write a comic that illustrates?"

T-Rex: Utahraptor, come quick! T-Rex: I invented computers!! T-Rex: I mean, I invented a new thing to do with computers! T-Rex: Well, TECHNICALLY I invented a new way to do an EXISTING thing with computers! T-Rex: Well I suppose if we're being exact all I've done is come up with the IDEA of inventing a new way to do an existing thing with computers! Utahraptor: So what's this idea, brotimes? T-Rex: Check it: Twitter is a thing, right? T-Rex: And YouTube is a thing too! And it's like - what if you took Twitter and smushed it into YouTube? What comes out the other end? I'll tell you what: a site where you can upload movies, but the movies can't have more than 140 characters in them! AND BY "CHARACTERS" I MEAN "NAMED ROLES"!! T-Rex: ... T-Rex: Dang, it appears my "this website idea only seems dumb because I haven't said it out loud yet" theory is an unmitigated fiasco. T-Rex: Okay! T-Rex (punchline): As you were, everyone!!

oh wait, it's because i burst in from the street, dramatically slamming open the big double doors of the courtroom. in the stunned silence that followed, I yelled "STOP THE TRIAL!" and ran up, grabbing the mic from the witness stand before casually parading around the courtroom like a daytime talk show host. NOW I REMEMBER

T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury! I appreciate you giving me the chance to address you. This whole thing started... Narrator: ...TWO DAYS AGO: T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: I'm really excited about this, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: I am too, T-Rex! It's going to be great. T-Rex: I know! And the best part: there's NOTHING illegal about it! Utahraptor: Hey, do you guys need some friggin' help? T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: The more the merrier! Utahraptor: Wow, I'm really excited about this! T-Rex: I am too. I think this will be the best TEAM ESSAY ON THE SIGNIFICANCE OF FRIENDSHIP IN EARLY EASTERN LITERATURE ever! Narrator: END OF FLASHBACK. T-Rex: So! In summary and in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury: T-Rex (punchline): ...Um, I'm actually not really sure why I'm here?

It's her birthday, and Ava's bat has finally connected with the pinata. She cheers, pulls down her blindfold, and stares at the stillness around her.

T-Rex: The Scary Ghost Who Learned About Pine Trees, by T-Rex. T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a scary ghost! He was so terrifying that if you gazed at him you'd DIE. T-Rex: And at present, he was learning about pine trees! T-Rex: "There are over 100 different species of pine trees", he read. "But scientists have discovered that really there's just three main kinds. One thing all pine trees have in common is that they don't lose their leaves during winter! That makes them very special trees. We call them 'evergreen'." T-Rex: The ghost realized that this book was way beneath his reading level. Utahraptor: So he picks up a more advanced book? T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR let me tell the story!! T-Rex: The ghost picked up a more advanced book. "Most pines produce both male and female cones though some species are sub-dioecious with a predominant gender across the entire tree." The ghost was glad this book was better. Utahraptor: He read for a while. T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR it's my story! Go tell your own story! Off panel: In one terrible moment, the ghost appeared to everyone on the planet. Most animal life is now dead, except for the sleeping and the blind. Eastern nations are waking up to a world half empty. T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR I meant "go tell your own story that's worse than mine"! T-Rex (punchline): Thanks!!

seriously though

T-Rex: I just woke up with the phrase "50 million dollar church for squirrels" stuck in my head! T-Rex: Um, so I guess THIS is what I should be doing with my life? T-Rex: The first issue is fifty million dollars is a LOT of dollars, especially just to give squirrels a place of worship. The second issue is, do squirrels even have spiritual lives? Dromiceiomimus: More importantly, do they even have spiritual lives that correspond with the church you're building? T-Rex: Frig, I don't even know if squirrels can conceptualize their own death!! Utahraptor: The question is, is self-awareness truly necessary for spirituality AND IF SO, do squirrels have it? T-Rex: Who knows?! Utahraptor: We're in the deep end of the philo/theological pool here, and THE LIFEGUARD JUST WENT ON BREAK. T-Rex (punchline): Okay, PRACTICAL QUESTIONS: should all $50 million be spent on construction, or should some be saved for maintenance? Utahraptor: If you ask me, this whole squirrel church idea is nuts! T-Rex and off panel: Hah hah hah

PRETTY COOL

Devil: T-REX WHAT'S GOING ON MAN THINGS ARE PRETTY GREAT EH T-Rex: What?! Who is this? Devil: IT'S ME THE DEVIL T-Rex: Leave me alone! Devil: HEY Devil: I HAVE MY OWN PLAYSTATION T-Rex: So?! T-Rex: I have my own refrigerator, and you don’t see me bragging! Utahraptor: Who are you talking to? T-Rex: The Devil! He won’t leave me alone, and all he’s doing is bragging about the video game consoles he owns. Utahraptor: Man, you've got your own personal theology going, eh? Devil: I GOT THIS NEW GAME WHERE YOU HAVE TO CLAP TO THE BEAT TO WIN T-Rex (punchline): Nobody cares!! Devil: YOU GO CLAP CLAP CLAP Devil: LEVEL THREE IS A PARTICULAR CHALLENGE

VAMPIRES you should be DISCLOSING that you are in a BORROWED BODY

T-Rex: One of the main advantages of brain transplants (or body transplants, depending on how you look at it!) is you get a fun new bod that's not like your old one. But one of the main issues is scar tissue! T-Rex: Scarred nerve tissue doesn't transmit signals well! T-Rex: So even if you got a brain transplant without dying, you'd end up being left in a body you couldn't move. This, my friends, is SUBOPTIMAL. Also, the brain is a super sensitive organ and gets damaged really quickly if it doesn't get oxygen. Therefore, brain transplants: super hard. We've never pulled one off here in the mortal world. But what if you had a brain that didn't NEED oxygen? What if you had a body that didn't FORM scar tissue? Utahraptor: Vampires? T-Rex: VAMPIRES. T-Rex: It's EASY to do a vampire/vampire brain transplant! And since their bodies won't reject any foreign materials, you can just wire up nerves manually with like, tungsten. It'll take time but who cares? It's not like your patients can DIE. Utahraptor: This - this COULD be what vampires actually do! T-Rex: Dude, if you could swap into a hot new bod - maybe with different junk - what's the first thing you'd do? Off panel: Have sex. T-Rex (punchline): And what do vampires do like ALL THE TIME?? Off panel: Have se-- OH MY GOSH Off panel: THIS IS TOTALLY WHAT VAMPIRES ACTUALLY DO

this problem could be avoided if sexy images of men and women in swimsuits, wearing mortarboards and pointing to a blackboard on which the subject of the article was written, were inserted mid-way through each article. DON'T KNOCK IT UNTIL YOU'VE TRIED IT

Narrator: GREGOR MACGREGOR COMICS T-Rex: That name is totally made up. It was made up by a Scottish Enthusiast. T-Rex: I'm just sayin'. T-Rex: Anyway, Gregor MacGregor was this explorer adventurer guy in the 1800s! T-Rex: In 1820 he sailed from the Mosquito Coast of Central America to England, with the news that one of the native kings there had given him 30,000 km² of land! The land was incredibly fertile, the natives helpful, and he'd already established an army, banks, civil service AND democracy there. You couldn't walk without tripping on the gold nuggets that littered the ground, and MacGregor was selling land grants at a very reasonable rate!! Utahraptor: You're describing the FICTIONAL nation of Poyais, T-Rex! That was a huge scam! T-Rex: It - what? Utahraptor: When the colony boats arrived, instead of opera houses they found untamed jungle, tropical disease and venomous snakes. One settler even committed suicide after trading his life savings for passage. By the time a rescue boat was sent and returned to London, 180 of the 240 emigrants had DIED. God: SEE T-REX THIS IS WHY I KEEP SAYING YOU SHOULD FINISH YOUR BOOKS BEFORE TELLING YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THEM T-Rex: It wasn't a book!! T-Rex (punchline): It was a WIKIPEDIA PAGE that got BORING half-way through

did you know 'beggars' is spelt with an 'a'? i'd been spelling it 'beggers' for years. who knew? answer: not me, obviously.

T-Rex: I was asked for money on the street today, and after I gave what change I had, I was told quite aggressively by the guy that it wasn't enough! This can only mean that it's time once again to discuss everyone's favourite topic... T-Rex: Panhandling! T-Rex: And it's a tricky issue! Giving money to beggars can be helpful, but some feel it encourages bad behaviour and undermines the work of social support organizations. Plus there is always the rumour of beggars who take home hundreds of dollars a day! On the other hand, there may well be people for whom begging is the only means of support they have. Utahraptor: You're sure using a lot of qualifiers there, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's intentional! T-Rex: I really don't know much about panhandling, and a lot of people feel very strongly about it. I don't know! I usually try to learn more about things by doing them, but if I panhandled I'd be a total poseur. Utahraptor: I bet if *I* did it I'd be way more of a poseur than you! T-Rex: Man, you're on! T-Rex: Wait! T-Rex (punchline): This belittles us both!!

there was a brief period in 1996, only a few months, when you could order stuff for free online, and not everyone knew about it, and it would come in the mail a few weeks later, and then you were like, wow, look at all this free stuff i got, i guess i should probably try it out or something.

Narrator: THINGS THAT T-REX HAS GOTTEN FOR FREE IN THE MAIL COMICS Narrator: PANTYHOSE (2 PAIR): T-Rex: I gave them to my mother for her birthday! What a good son! Narrator: INTERNET OSTRICH MEAT STICKS: T-Rex: Hmmm... they tasted like regular meat sticks, I guess! Dromiceiomimus: What do those taste like? T-Rex: Like spicy leather? I wouldn't have eaten them under normal circumstances, but, you know, free internet ostrich meat. Narrator: BREAKFAST SHAKES: Utahraptor: And how did that taste? T-Rex: They were so vile. I literally could not understand it. Narrator: DEPENDS™ BRAND ADULT DIAPERS: Utahraptor: Did you try them? Did they work?? T-Rex: ONLY BRIEFLY. It turns out they're meant for the elderly, not for virile young dudes! They don't say this on the package though. T-Rex: Nooo way. Narrator: A BEANIE CAP WITH A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK PROPELLER ON TOP: Off panel: How come you don't wear it? T-Rex: 'Cause it's a beanie cap with a glow-in-the-dark propeller on top? T-Rex (punchline): [small] Also I think I broke the propeller.

who got through the whole comic without saying "baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more" even though he was thinking it the whole time? it's me, RYAN!

T-Rex: What is love? Love is "a strong positive emotion of regard and affection". It was a silly question to ask because the answer is right there in the dictionary! T-Rex: But that's too easy. We have to complicate up that business! T-Rex: Maybe we'll insist that love can't be defined, that it's beyond the reach of rational thought, that we fall in and out of love in a way that is completely beyond our control. All we can do is hope for the best and hold on for the ride, because it's Cupid's arrow straight through the heart, striking anywhere at any time! It's a lot like an axe murderer, or a brain aneurysm. Or a stroke. Or dementia. T-Rex: Love is just a feeling! A CHEMICAL STATE. We don't need to deify it! Utahraptor: So romantic! T-Rex: I've got nothing against romance! You can still be romantic while maintaining that love is an understandable emotion. Just be rational! And don't do tons of stupid stuff and use "I was in love!" as the justification. That's not love: that's responsibility deflection. Off panel: So you're completely rational about love? You keep any non-sciency feelings out of it, walking around town saying "this person is acceptable; I will proceed to love them. Love begins in 3, 2, 1 - now." T-Rex: Excuse me! T-Rex (punchline): I just THINK that

if only I'd called this comic "The Crazy Mixed-Up Story Of The Very Very Haunted Chair" instead of "Dinosaur Comics", we might've gotten to this haunted chair so much sooner

dinosaur comics is ten years old today! i wrote a thing!

God: T-REX YOU ARE A PRETTY SKEPTICAL DUDE AM I RIGHT T-Rex: U r rite! T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: Pardon me. T-Rex: You are right! God: SO YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN LIKE I DON'T KNOW GHOSTS OR DRACULAS OR HAUNTED CHAIRS T-Rex: Can't hardly say that I do! God: OKAY COOL WELL WHAT IF I SHOWED YOU God: THIS T-Rex: ...Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: ...Yes? T-Rex: I don't see anything unusual, dude! Utahraptor: Me neither! Why are we looking? T-Rex: God asked if I believed in "haunted chairs" and made it seem like something was gonna happen, but nothing did. Utahraptor: He's God, right? Maybe he's on God Time. Maybe a haunted chair will show up a million years from now. Narrorator: MEANWHILE, ONE UNIVERSE OVER: God: CHECK IT T-REX HERE IS A HAUNTED CHAIR Evil T-Rex: WHO THE HECK SAID THAT Evil T-Rex: WHOOOHAHH Evil T-Rex (punchline): I MEAN, COOL CHAIR THOUGH

hey, it's my birthday too!

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for increasing the integral count of my age! Narrator: BIRTHDAY FUNNIES Narrator: FUNNY 1: Dromiceiomimus: I didn't know today was your birthday! Happy birthday! T-Rex: Thank you! Dromiceiomimus: Were any famous men or women born on your birthday? T-Rex: Nope, only little babies! Narrator: FUNNY 2: Utahraptor: What do you get a fully grown Tyrannosaurus Rex for his birthday? T-Rex: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it! T-Rex and Utahraptor: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): Best birthday ever!

this is called "a grim portrait of a world without backspace"

T-Rex: Man, who is the dude who dropped his wallet in the toilet last night? WAS IT ME? T-Rex: DEFINITELY NOT. Dromiceiomimus: Hey, T-Rex, did you drop your wallet in my - T-Rex: You've got the wrong guy, my friend! Dromiceiomimus: Okay, it's just - there was a wallet in my toilet this morning, and you left last night in a hurry, saying you'd "Need to visit the wallet store soon" but then came back once and clarified that you were pretending you were a friend of yours when you said that. Utahraptor: Yeah, the evidence against you does look pretty bad! T-Rex: I've got my wallet right here! Utahraptor: Okay, you're posed like you're hiding your wallet from me, but I can see that your hands are empty, and there's nowhere else you could hide it. T-Rex: I - Utahraptor: Listen, if you want your wallet back, Dromiceiomimus left it inside your mailbox. Narrator: MEANWHILE, AT THE MAILBOX: T-Rex (punchline): Aw man! There's probably pee on it! Narrator: OH MY GOSH, T-REX'S TWIN BROTHER?? NO, IT'S T-REX! I MESSED UP WITH "MEANWHILE" AND SHOULD'VE SAID "MUCH LATER". Narrator: THIS IS CALLED "WRITING"

mmm yes tell me more about how your pet is perfect but yet somehow ISN'T a clean and lossless source of energy

T-Rex: We've got the perfect woman, and the perfect man, but you know what we're missing? Narrator: THE PERFECT DOG T-Rex: And this one is easy because we all know the perfect dog comes when called, is adorable, likes to snuggle and never poops. Dromiceiomimus: Where does the poop - go? T-Rex: Oh! The perfect dog features a stomach that can transform any food into energy at 100% efficiency! Utahraptor: What if it eats, like, garbage and dirt? T-Rex: It still gets processed, dude! Utahraptor: Ah. So the perfect dog is effectively a perfect organic cold fusion reactor, transforming any matter into caloric energy without waste. I'm afraid the government has taken your dog, T-Rex! Its power is simply too great to leave in civilian hands. T-Rex: Nooooooo! Narrator: THE PERFECT CAT T-Rex (punchline): Noooooooooo WHO CARES

you know what they say! which is good, because what they say is loquacious and i won't be repeating it. well, bye

T-Rex: It's hard to come up with new sayings, like "the early bird gets the worm"! I'VE TRIED. But I've noticed they all have one thing in common: T-Rex: They're all really concise! T-Rex: So I thought: what if I turned the process around backwards? That way all I need to do is come up with a catchy, concise phrase, and then we can decide on what deep truth it reveals later! Dromiceiomimus: So what's your phrase? T-Rex: Oh, I don't know: how about... "TCP/IP will guarantee delivery order?" Utahraptor: Too boring and way too specific! T-Rex: Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. T-Rex: How about "The less-early bird gets fewer worms"? Utahraptor: Too derivative! T-Rex: "The late bird may get no worms at all! It depends on worm supply, however as worms may be late too, tardiness can be an advantageous strategy for a given bird." T-Rex (punchline): "Further research and modelling is necessary. For more information, consult the Wikipedia article on 'adaptation'". Off panel: I LOVE IT

i got my wish

T-Rex: It's a real shame that all those great careers I wanted as a child will probably never come true for me. I'll never get to be an astronaut, or a race car driver, or a movie star! T-Rex: It's a sad realization - I always sort of hoped such a job would just... fall into my lap! Dromiceiomimus: Have you ever imagined what it would be like if you WERE a movie star, T-Rex? T-Rex: Sometimes! But I don't have a very good imagination for that sort of thing. What would I be, a romantic lead? T-Rex: Mostly I just insert myself into the commercials of my youth. [T-Rex's daydream] Narrator: OIL OF OLAY Utahraptor: Don't I know you from somewhere? T-Rex: Oh, that's original! [T-Rex's daydream] Utahraptor: Emerson High, 1975: you were in my class. T-Rex: I was your teachah! [T-Rex's daydream] Off panel: Miss Fitzhenry?! T-Rex (punchline): Bugsy... Brown.

luuuuuuuuucy

Narrator: THE DAY OF RAGE T-Rex: All right! T-Rex: I'm pissed off, so everybody get out of my way! T-Rex: My rage brings destruction! T-Rex: My rage brings DEATH! Utahraptor: What the hell are you doing?! T-Rex: Today is my "day of rage". Utahraptor: I thought your "day of rage" was yesterday. T-Rex: Shoot, you're right! Oh man... T-Rex (punchline): I've got some 'splainin to do!

later: EMOTIONAL ISOLATION

T-Rex: I have a secret! The secret is that I absolutely ate potato chips last night instead of a real dinner. T-Rex: Nobody must ever find out my AWESOME SECRET! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: So, Dromiceiomimus - what's up? Dromiceiomimus: Not much! T-Rex: That's cool, that's cool. Listen, I believe that it's critically important to have three square meals each day, okay? That's what *I* believe. Dromiceiomimus: Okay, T-Rex. T-Rex: Awesome. T-Rex: Well, THAT should throw her off the trail! Utahraptor: Throw who off which trail? T-Rex: Oh! Um... throw... women, off the trail of my - feelings? Utahraptor: Playing it cool, I see! T-Rex: You know it! Narrator: LATER: MORE LIES FOR NO REAL REASON T-Rex: Man, that movie ROCKED, right guys? Off panel: Not really! T-Rex (punchline): I dunno... I liked it!

I VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP BUT SO HELP ME I'LL END IT OVER THIS

Narrator: T-REX VISITS A GHOST TOWN. T-Rex: Attention, any ghosts that can hear me! I have one thing to say to you: T-Rex: [small] this is awesome Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: It was great, Dromiceiomimus: a whole town that had been abandoned! All these collapsing buildings and rusting machines. It was APOCALYPSE PORN. Dromiceiomimus: I'd love to see it! T-Rex: We should go! It's so great. You get a glimpse of what the world would be like if it all went wrong, and we all died tomorrow! Utahraptor: What actually happened to the town? T-Rex: The mine dried up and everyone moved away! T-Rex: But the buildings are still there, and they're great. It's cliché, but walking around you see all these amazing little tokens of previous life: a forgotten doll, a can of food long since unidentifiable... Dromiceiomimus and I are going back. Want to come? Utahraptor: Sure! Narrator: BACK AT THE GHOST TOWN: Off panel: It's okay, I guess. It's mostly just a bunch of crappy buildings! T-Rex: Don't even, Utahraptor! Off panel: Don't even what? T-Rex (punchline): Don't even - don't even tell me you don't appreciate the stark aesthetics and beauty of decay

your debt is hereby paid in full, dear utahraptor!! in fact, here, let me give you some money.

T-Rex: Who owes me money? Utahraptor owes me money! T-Rex: Homeboy owes me 30 bucks! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, does Utahraptor owe YOU any money? Because he owes me 30 bucks and I was thinking, if he owes you money too, maybe we could team up and get him to pay. Dromiceiomimus: No T-Rex, nobody owes me money! I keep money and friendship separate. T-Rex: Utahraptor keeps money and FRIENDS separate! My money and ME (the friend), that is!! Utahraptor: I don't owe you any money, T-Rex! T-Rex: You owe me 30 clams! 30 BUCKAZOIDS. Utahraptor: Man, YOU owe ME 12 dollars! We were at the grocery store and you REALLY wanted to get those stupid fish sticks shaped like Jane Austen, remember? T-Rex: Hah hah, yeah, I remember those! They were insane!! T-Rex: They tasted like chalk, but looked like Jane Austen! Fishstick Austen!! Off panel: "Jane Austen's Fishytime Bites", yeah, I was there. T-Rex (punchline): It turns out that's all I ever wanted in a mealtime treat!

t-rex follows that up with 'ultra happiness' which is a happiness that is ultra. you get ultra happiness when a beautiful woman says she loves you and then gives you an ice cream sandwich and says 'this ice cream sandwich? it loves you too.'

T-Rex: Time for me to invent a new emotion! THIS emotion is for when you're nostalgic for a time you were never alive in, like when a chick is nostalgic for the time of pirates! Or, when a dude misses being a 16th century courtesan. T-Rex: It also happens when folks spend a lot of time wishing they could be Shakespeare's Pal! Dromiceiomimus: But you can't really invent a new emotion- T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, let me just stop you there. If you're going to say that emotions are FELT, not invented, and that as I couldn't "invent" gravity so too can I not invent a feeling, but merely observe and perhaps label it, then that is a good point that I should have considered myself. Dromiceiomimus: Alright! Utahraptor: So what's this specific breed of nostalgia called? T-Rex: Protonostalgia! T-Rex: Protonostalgia is a proper subclass of nostalgia. It's a new feeling for a new generation. Utahraptor: But "proto" implies "before" - couldn't there be a better name for this? T-Rex: Perhaps your opinions will change... when you check out my ULTRASWEET poster! [black and white poster] Poster: PROTONOSTALGIA Poster T-Rex: Do you miss being a pirate? I miss being a pirate. Poster T-Rex (punchline): We've all made some bad decisions. Poster: emotion by t-rex

this happened to me once, only i kept wiping my nose in my sleep, so it was my hands that were covered in blood when i woke up. i saw my hands, and was like, "dear diary, all i remember is watching half a movie and falling asleep on the couch?"

Narrator: AWKWARD MOMENT COMICS ][: T-Rex: Earlier today my nose was like, "Hey, T-Rex! I'm gonna leak blood for no reason!" and I was all "...Awesome?" T-Rex: And as it turns out... it is not that awesome? T-Rex: And it seems I bled all over my pillow during the night, and then when I woke up my face AND sheets were covered in blood! Dromiceiomimus: Was that awesome, at least? T-Rex: Not really! It was disturbing until I realized what happened, and then it was still kinda disturbing, but in a "I wish I slept with someone on a regular basis because they'd be so FREAKED OUT by this" kinda way. T-Rex: But, I don't! Utahraptor: Don't what? T-Rex: Don't sleep with someone on a regular basis. Anyway, what's new with you? I'm talking about my nose that leaks blood. Utahraptor: Not much! I bought a new patio set! T-Rex: Sweet! Narrator: SUDDENLY, T-REX HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY! IT IS THE AWKWARD MOMENT PROMISED IN THE TITLE CARD. T-Rex: uh T-Rex: Can I come over and - T-Rex (punchline): ...bleed my nose on it? Narrator: NICE

notice how even if you skip to the last panel, the mystery is not spoiled?

Narrator: A MYSTERY COMIC T-Rex: ...ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred! T-Rex: Ready or not, here I come! T-Rex: Where are you, Utahraptor? Are you hiding in this house? Come out come out wherever you are! T-Rex: No? T-Rex: Where could you have gone? T-Rex: Are you hiding beneath this woman? No? Utahraptor: I found you, T-Rex! T-Rex: No, I'm looking for you! Utahraptor: But I thought - Off panel: Man, how do you screw up "Hide and Go Seek"? T-Rex (punchline): It's a mystery!

i call it: "Boredom Plus!"

T-Rex: Sure, it's great to be conscious and be able to envision ourselves and imagine possible futures and make decisions and all that. T-Rex: Consciousness: pretty okay! T-Rex: But I alone dare to ask: what's next? T-Rex: What does SUPERconsciousness look like, you guys? Or, if I am looking to get beat up, what features do you see milestoned for Consciousness 2.0? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, are you looking to get beat up? T-Rex: With that sentence, yes. T-Rex: There is no denying it Utahraptor: Well I think memory could totally use some improvement! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: It's unreliable, but we rely on it both to make decisions and predict the future. A more accurate memory could give better-informed outcomes of both. Heck, a SHARED memory would be incredibly powerful! I'd like that. T-Rex: But then you'd know my secrets! Utahraptor: And you'd know mine! T-Rex: Utahraptor that's all well and good but I've got some secrets that I can't really see myself sharing! For example, and I never thought I'd ever tell anyone this, but, well, this one time - T-Rex (punchline): ... I'm PRETTY SURE I figured out a way to have sex when it's JUST YOU

'i trip down south': new slang forms from ryan's bad typing skills

T-Rex: This weekend, I go on a trip! I trip DOWN SOUTH. T-Rex: Another friend of mine is getting married! T-Rex: This will be my first heterosexual wedding. I'm excited! I got a nice card and everything! T-Rex: The only thing I'm worried about is the dancing. I have such big, manly feet that sometimes they get in the way! Utahraptor: I can teach you how to dance! T-Rex: Oh, would you? Narrator: SHORTLY: Utahraptor: You're getting better! T-Rex: Whoo! T-Rex: Thanks! T-Rex (punchline): Now all the pretty girls will want to dance with me for sure!

remember? when we got to talk about coping skills and peer pressure and all that? a-and sexuality?

T-Rex: So sometimes I have these little secrets, yes? T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: And SOMETIMES these little secrets accidentally become BIG secrets, because I never told the people I should have about them and it's too late now. Dromiceiomimus: Ooh! What are these secrets? T-Rex: I'm not thinking of any in particular, actually! Just the general case. Dromiceiomimus: Oh. That's less interesting! Utahraptor: Maybe you shouldn't keep so many secrets then, T-Rex! T-Rex: But I don't! T-Rex: They're just - you know how when you've forgotten somebody's name, and it's way too late to ask them now? It's like that with these little secrets. You know what I mean? Utahraptor: No, that doesn't really happen to me. T-Rex: Am I the only one with these problems? T-Rex: Because if so, then I guess I get to work on my life management skills! T-Rex (punchline): D-Do people still talk about life management skills?

he turns his head away a little during 'curiosity' and then snaps it back for 'SATISFIED!!'

T-Rex: You know what's the best thing ever? T-Rex: The word "bicurious"! T-Rex: It's funny when people use it, because how long can you be bicurious? You don't sit around all day saying, "Hmmm... I wonder what will happen!" - you look it up on the Internet, or you go out, meet someone in the gender you're interested in, and then afterwards roll over and say, "Curiosity satisfied!" T-Rex: Then it's high fives all around! T-Rex: You could say it like, "Curiosity: SATISFIED!" Utahraptor: Talking up the word bicurious again? T-Rex: It's a great word! Utahraptor: For someone who says he isn't "bicurious" you sure spend a lot of time talking about it! T-Rex: I almost wish I was bicurious, just so I could say, "Curiosity satisfied!" T-Rex: I'd say it like, T-Rex (punchline): "Curiosity... SATISFIED!!"

this happened to me this week and if i'd broken my neck and died, i would've died in a ridiculous hotel steps away from a ridiculous hot tub. my epitaph would've been "GUYS LET'S ALL IGNORE THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF HIS LIFE, OKAY??" um, that may well still be my epitaph, actually

T-Rex: Okay, yes, I'll admit it. Last night I fell down the stairs. But it doesn't make me less of a man! In fact, it makes me MORE of a man! T-Rex: I fell down stairs and I am none the worse for wear! T-Rex: And before you ask what happened, Dromiceiomimus, I'll assure you I was simply being ultra manly, and then I was being TOO manly, and then I fell down the stairs. Dromiceiomimus: What really happened? T-Rex: I... um, I just stood up too fast and then I passed out. Don't spread it around, though, okay? It's kinda UNMANLY. Utahraptor: What? There's nothing unmanly about that! T-Rex: I stood up too fast while exiting a HOT TUB. Utahraptor: Men go in hot tubs! They're manly!! T-Rex: The water was dyed pink. Aaaand there was a sign pointing to the hot tub that said "WIMPY DUDES (IN THEIR OWN WIMPY TEARS)". Utahraptor: There - T-Rex: And I was right beneath the arrow, waving to everyone who passed by. T-Rex: Huh! You know what? T-Rex (punchline): In retrospect, there already were some serious concerns with how my day was going

parts of it were still forwards though

Narrator: THE STORY OF ROBIN HOOD T-Rex: Robin Hood was a guy who lived in the forest with some of his chums. Guys, he made tree forts! T-Rex: He ALSO stole from the rich and gave to the poor! T-Rex: He made tree forts AND crimes. And the Sheriff of Nottingham didn't like this one bit! He was a good sheriff who believed in the rule of law and the court system. He took his job and his sheriff school degree very seriously and always did his best. He said, "Not only will I arrest Robin Hood for 'robbin' from rich people, but I will also sword fight him if he wants, and I will marry his girlfriend. I really hope that will teach him to obey the law!" Utahraptor: Did it work? T-Rex: HECK NO. T-Rex: Robin's girlfriend didn't want to marry the Sheriff, and then to make matters worse, Robin Hood killed the Sheriff and his men! The Sheriff's last words were "I'm sorry I could never convince you, Robin, to work for positive change from within the system." Utahraptor: What an amazing tale! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): DANG I got that all backwards

No one would have believed in the first years of the twenty-first century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by mangas; that as we busied ourselves about our various concerns we were scrutinized and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a scientist with a microscope might scrutinize the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water.

T-Rex: A woman trips, falls, hits her head. You run up to offer help, but instead of blood, thick black manga seeps out of the wound. The woman turns her head unnaturally towards you and smiles. There's too many teeth in her mouth. Too many mangas. T-Rex: You turn to run, hating the strange, corrupt part of you that wants to stay! T-Rex: Glancing behind, you see her body skittering towards you, crawling on all fours, her limbs at impossible, horrifying angles. A slick wet trail of mangas coats the pavement behind her. You run, but everyone you pass turns to chase you too. The entire town has been changed - taken - by the mangas. The townsfolk surround you, and as you stare into their eyes you see only mangas staring back at you, vast and cool and unsympathetic. T-Rex: They open their mouths, too wide, mangas spewing out onto the ground in a heap. Utahraptor: They ignore your screams. T-Rex: You're pushed into the twitching pile of mangas, your feet and hands making contact with the gelatinous mass. They spiral up your limbs, and then you feel manga pushing past your lips. The mangas are moving inside you now. You can feel yourself ending. You - T-Rex (punchline): YOU ARE THE MANGAS. Banner: SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL COMIC BOOK STORE

I AM AT 110% ULTIMATE BLISS OUT DOWN HERE

T-Rex: Okay, so there's those scam messages where someone has millions of illegal dollars, and they need your help to get them out of the country, and in return they'll give you a generous percentage! T-Rex: But they need some money upfront, right? T-Rex: And then you send them that money because you want all that illegal money, but none ever arrives because it's fake. Whoopsie! T-Rex: The fact that this scam continues to work kinda paints a pretty irrefutably dim picture of our basic nature! Appeal to greed and you'll always have takers, regardless of right and wrong. Go us? Utahraptor: It's not all that bad, T-Rex! T-Rex: Prove me wrong! Utahraptor: Easy! Utahraptor: What about the scam where someone hacks someone's email to send "Help I'm overseas and got robbed and need flight home money, wire it please" messages? There we're motivated only by altruism! T-Rex: Hooray, the two scams cancel each other out! Instead of evil, we're just neutral! Chaotic neutral! Devil: DO YOU REALIZE THAT IS A DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS REFERENCE YOU JUST MADE T-Rex (punchline): Um - Devil: GARY GYGAX PIONEERED THAT ALIGNMENT SYSTEM Devil: T-REX Devil: NEVER HAVE YOUR USELESS COMPLAINTS ABOUT BASIC NATURE BLISSED ME OUT SO MUCH

he admits he doesn't have a clue as to how to win your heart, which judging by his words so far, seems pretty fair

Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS today's song "HELLO" by LIONEL RITCHIE T-Rex: Hello! T-Rex: Lionel Ritchie says, "hello!" T-Rex: He goes on to say that either he's had recurring dreams in which he's kissed your lips a thousand times each, or a thousand dreams in which he's kissed your lips once. In either case: dangerously obsessive. Hello! He's just got to let you know! Dromiceiomimus: Next you'll tell me he's constantly wondering where I am, what I'm doing, and who I'm with! T-Rex: Um well that is the next thing he volunteers as a matter of fact Utahraptor: No way he says that. T-Rex: Hello?! He does!! T-Rex: His exact words are "Is someone loving you?", which he follows with "I wonder where you are". Utahraptor: Geez. I can see the letters-cut-out-of-magazines note stuffed into my mailbox already. T-Rex: In that case, he sends you a followup note that says "You know just what to do". Utahraptor: Gah!! T-Rex: He notices it every time we walk outside his door, whereever THAT is. "Hello!" he says, his arms open wide. I don't think we've ever heard him, though. It's probably for the best! T-Rex (punchline): Be safe out there, Utahraptor

only two women in history: joan of arc and Sexy Female King Arthur??

T-Rex: Today I assemble the greatest fighting team the world has ever known, culled from History's Mightiest Mortals! T-Rex: Arise, Alexander the Great! T-Rex: At your side stands Julius Caesar and King Arthur himself, Excalibur at the ready! To his left - Dromiceiomimus: - stands Hector, from Greek myth? T-Rex: Whoah! How'd you know? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, this is fan fiction. This is ANCIENT fan fiction from the Middle Ages. Utahraptor: Yeah, ever heard of the "Nine Worthies"? T-Rex: Um, CLEARLY NOT? Utahraptor: Middle ages dudes assembled them as representing the ultimate man. They threw in some goddy ones too, like David of Goliath fame. T-Rex: Oh, great. Now the MIDDLE AGES is preemptively plagiarizing me too? Terrific. Utahraptor: You've just got to be more creative! T-Rex: Okay, got it! What if EVERYONE IN HISTORY combined into one giant intersexed battledude to fight EVERYONE FROM THE FUTURE?? Intersexed because HELLO, there were women in history too!! T-Rex: HELLO T-Rex (punchline): ...Like Joan of Arc and I'm pretty sure there's others

i know now why you cry, but it's something i can never do. unless it's related somehow to batman

T-Rex: It's time to face facts. I've picked up - how do I say this delicately - "an expensive habit"? God: T-REX ARE YOU DOING - T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: I'm doing OPERA. God: OH PHEW I THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING DRUGS T-Rex: Oh, I do them too! I've done aspirin, dude. I follow the instructions on the label! God: NO I THOUGHT YOU MEANT HARD DRUGS T-Rex: The instructions CAN be quite complicated T-Rex: What I love about opera is that it's something I can't do! Utahraptor: Have you tried? T-Rex: Please! T-Rex: It's like Batman: you need to have a singular focus on training since childhood to pull off such elite performance, and none of us did! But these singers and musicians DID have that drive and training. Once I realized opera singers were Music Batmen I got really into it. Utahraptor: I can see that! Narrator: THE MOMENT OF REALIZATION: T-Rex: [thinks] Oh my god what if Bruce Wayne's parents had been killed by NOT having music around?? I'm watching the results of that right now! T-Rex: It's T-Rex (punchline): It's so beautiful

attention, future generations! check out my house?

T-Rex: Cave painting: check. Renaissance-era painting: check. Astrolabe from the Age of Discovery stuffed inside my computer: check! T-Rex: It appears I have finished decorating my house! Dromiceiomimus: That's a pretty eclectic set of decorations! T-Rex: It is! But here's my angle: let's say there's a catastrophe and everyone dies. When Future Folks dig up my house, I will throw their historical understanding into chaos! They will say "HOW COULD A CAVE MAN OWN A RENAISSANCE-ERA PAINTING AND A COMPUTER WITH AN ASTROLABE STUFFED IN IT?! FRIG. HISTORY IS RUINED, YOU GUYS." Utahraptor: Or they could simply deduce that someone collected these things from the past! T-Rex: They might! T-Rex: But THEN worst case they'll think "Wait, nevermind: THIS dude just had supremely excellent taste!!" Utahraptor: So either you want to destroy a future generation's idea of history, or be remembered for your skills at interior decoration. T-Rex: Yeah, either way I win! Narrator: EPILOGUE: YEARS LATER, T-REX IS MOSTLY REMEMBERED FOR THE ONE TIME HE SAID "WHICH ONE OF YOU JERKS POURED COFFEE IN MY HAT?" T-Rex: Attention, future generations! T-Rex (punchline): I'm still calling that a win!!

i destroyed my chair through sheer force of will while writing this comic. if you don't believe me come see my chair

T-Rex: Am I perhaps too comfortable, too satisfied with my life and friends and ROUTINE? Has the warm embrace of satisfaction become the smothering kiss of COMPLACENCY? T-Rex: It's time to shake things up, T-Rex style! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, here's a COMPELLING IDEA for ending complacency. We'll insult each other and then we'll become enemies, and THEN, I wouldn't have our little chats to look forward to anymore. Result: complacency: nullified! Dromiceiomimus: That's so lame! T-Rex: You're so lame! Dromiceiomimus: Have we started? Narrator: A FEW HOURS LATER: Utahraptor: So how's it going on the ol' "no more complacency" front? T-Rex: Sucky to the max! T-Rex: I've been systematically destroying the life I knew, but that's just left me panicky and unsatisfied. My romance for something new has led to a realization that I had a routine because I liked what I was doing and when I was doing it. Utahraptor: Time to reclaim your life of only a few hours ago! T-Rex (punchline): Yes! I will apologize to Dromiceiomimus! And if I ever get too comfortable again, well, I could probably get used to the smothering kiss of complacency. And maybe, one day, I'll finally be ready to START KISSING BACK. Off panel: That's gross and confusing!

ANYWAY I WAS JUST TRYING OUT SOMETHING NEW

Off panel: Great party, T-Rex! Hey, do you have any more chips? T-Rex: Sorry guys, those were the last! God: HEY I BROUGHT SOME POTATO CHIPS T-REX T-Rex: God! You came! God: THAT'S RIGHT SORRY I'M LATE BUT THESE ARE SOME GOOD CHIPS God: CHICKEN FLAVOUR T-Rex: Classy! Glad you could make it! Dromiceiomimus: Who are you talking to, T-Rex? T-Rex: God! But it seems that AS USUAL only I can hear Him! God: SORRY ABOUT THAT BUT I'VE GOT A GREAT JOKE FOR YOU TO TELL Utahraptor: Got any new jokes, T-Rex? T-Rex: Y-Yes? God: THIS'LL BE GREAT TELL HIM A SKELETON WENT INTO A BAR AND ORDERED A BEER AND A MOP T-Rex: Utahraptor, a skeleton went into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop! Utahraptor: To clean up the beer; yeah, I get it. That's not a very good joke, T-Rex! God: SORRY IT'S NORMALLY BETTER THAN THAT God: I WAS JUST TRYING OUT SOMETHING NEW T-Rex (punchline): Dude, try it out somewhere else!

sorry, i've already got enough internet people willing to, without hesitation, tell me what spongebob character they are

T-Rex: Hello! We are friends on Facebook and I kinda actually have no idea who you are. You invited me to a party in a distant city, soooo... is that where you live? Narrator: I GUESS WE MET SOMEWHERE ONCE? Narrator: a web card T-Rex: I looked at your profile. I dunno. It seems weird to say "Sorry, I've already got enough friends", but I wouldn't even be saying that. I'd be saying, "Sorry, I've already got enough - strangers? Who are aware of what movies I liked when I set this up years ago?" T-Rex: Oh, I looked at your pictures too. T-Rex: You - get drunk an awful lot? Utahraptor: Maybe you met while intoxicated and both forgot! T-Rex: But I never drink that much! T-Rex: I figure, either I am forgetting entire friendships and sections of my past wholesale, which is TERRIFYING, or I'm living split-personality double lives in another city, which seems PRETTY INTRIGUING. Utahraptor: And your other personality is also called "T-Rex" and uses the same Facebook account. T-Rex: Yep! In either case: dear recipient of this card, thank you for the invitation on Facebook, but I will not be attending the party! T-Rex: ...Okay! T-Rex (punchline): If you have any idea how we know each other, drop me a line!

if you want to do the flip version of this game, where someone else is in charge of random number generation so all you do is keep track of the board, try bingo! it captures all the excitement of board management and combines it with the thrill of hearing numbers and letters

T-Rex: In dystopian science fiction, we often find ourselves in a world where robots have taken over, and we are left doing a menial task that the machines either can't or don't care to do. This experience is now available in board game form! Narrator: SNAKES AND LADDERS AS SHE IS PLAYED T-Rex: In Snakes and Ladders, robots have replaced us, only we built the robots in ladder form (to help us get higher!) and in giant snake form (for when we wanted to slide down giant robot snakes!). Though it certainly seemed awesome at the time, it turns out this was folly, as they have taken over, demanding that we ride them endlessly. We are left with only one task: rolling dice for them! Utahraptor: How do you play? T-Rex: You don't! T-Rex: You roll the dice, and then the game plays itself. The players have no influence on how the game goes; in every meaningful sense you are redundant. Is it a metaphor for the futility of dreams? All we know for sure is if you've ever wanted to roll the dice and do nothing else, then this is the game for you. T-Rex (punchline): ALTHOUGH! It's not bad if you're six

if you're concerned how t-rex could be talking about his life in the past tense, it's because in the last frame we actually jumped ahead to a play t-rex is performing in. AGAINST HIS WILL. BECAUSE HE GOT KIDNAPPED. THIS PLOT JUST GOT /TWISTED/

T-Rex: If I'm ever taken hostage and am forced to do things UNDER DURESS, I'm gonna need a new code phrase! The old one involving chicken husbandry was way too hard. T-Rex: Okay. Chicken husbandry ITSELF was way too hard. Anyway. T-Rex: I still TOTALLY need to let people know I'm acting against my will! Dromiceiomimus: Well if you're talking to us, you COULD casually mention that, incidentally and by-the-bye, you would very much hate being held hostage at the old abandoned slipper factory. T-Rex: That's too transparent, Dromiceiomimus. T-Rex: Man! T-Rex: ESPECIALLY if that's where I'm being held!! Utahraptor: So let's decide on a phrase you can use: something you'd never say normally! T-Rex: And which ALSO sounds casual! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Okay, it's settled. "Five essential moisturizing oils" means "call the friggin' cops, please!" Utahraptor: Got it. T-Rex: Excellent! Man! Life just got interesting for us, Utahraptor!! Narrator: LATER STILL: T-REX DOESN'T ACTUALLY EVER GET KIDNAPPED T-Rex: But I did go through life without ever saying "five essential moisturizing oils"! T-Rex (punchline): Kinda have to count that as a win!

oh, my opinions, what is wrong with you

Narrator: TEN DIFFERENT WAYS TO MEET A NEW GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND T-Rex: On the bus, in a store, surfing, skydiving, at a party, before a party, outside a party, on the web, on the internet, or while... T-Rex: ...mining! You can meet people under the ground! Dromiceiomimus: That list isn't that helpful, T-Rex! Finding a new sweetie is more than actually meeting them: you have to talk to them, discover shared interests and interesting differences, explore your compatibility, and so on! T-Rex: I believe you CAN technically do that in all the places I mentioned! Utahraptor: Okay, maybe you have some tips on striking up a conversation? T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: Open with "Hey there. Want to know more about ME??" and if they say no say "Hah hah, no, seriously" and if they say no say "Okay whatever, you go first and talk about yourself and I'll listen. But you owe me!" Utahraptor: ... T-Rex: If you do that you can think "Sweet, when they're done then I get to talk!" T-Rex: In other news! T-Rex (punchline): I'm currently single, but I'm certain it's not because of my opinions

When All You Have Is A Sword, All Your Problems Look Like Swordfights: The Couple's Guide To Slicing, Parrying, and Stabbing Your Way Through Problems, With Swords

T-Rex: Crap! I should have an emergency kit ready! T-Rex: "Why", you ask? T-Rex: Oh I don't know, IN CASE OF EMERGENCY?? Narrator: LATER: Dromiceiomimus: What's in your emergency kit, T-Rex? Mine's got water, food, first aid stuff, matches and scissors! T-Rex: MINE'S got a book on how to win sword fights AND a book on clever quips to make during sword fights ("I'll get right to the POINT; it's been a SLICE; STABS to meet you", etc)! And, um... T-Rex: That's it, actually Utahraptor: Mine's got dried food in it! It'll keep for a while. Yeah, it's a pretty sensible choice. T-Rex: Sweet! But - no swords? Utahraptor: No swords. Not even a wee li'l one! T-Rex: Huh. You know, it occurs to me that a sword could be used by a hungry dude to take food from someone by holding them at, what's it called? Swordpoint? Utahraptor: Swordpoint, yeah. Narrator: LATER: EVERYONE PUTS SWORDS IN THEIR EMERGENCY KITS T-Rex: SPEARS to meet you, Utahraptor!! T-Rex (punchline): Oh wait I left my spear on the ground back there, one sec

and what if my mom reads these comics? she'll find out I know about these cuss words!!

T-Rex: I have finished a new novel! This is my best novel yet, for the simple reason that it includes one critical aspect: T-Rex: A sex scene! Dromiceiomimus: YOU wrote a sex scene? T-Rex: Yep! It's HOT, if I do say so myself! Dromiceiomimus: But what if someone you know reads it? What if your MOM reads it? T-Rex: Shit! I hadn't thought of that! T-Rex: Damn damn damn! What am I going to do? I'm doomed! Utahraptor: Well, has the book been published? T-Rex: Not as such. Utahraptor: So? Problem solved! T-Rex: I - I guess so! Narrator: BUT TWO MONTHS LATER, THE BOOK IS PUBLISHED... T-Rex (punchline): I'm sabotaging my own life!!

"I puked up the story of how I came to be in Venice: it was a metaphor involving vomit, one of the untold millions that pepper this narrative."

T-Rex: If you're going to write a book, you need an opening line! And what possible opening line could be better than "Hey there readers - what's the score, I guess I'm gonna write this book some more!" T-Rex: BEST OPENING EVER. Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure it's the best! Much more famous openings include "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." and "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I didn't say "famous"! I said BEST. My opening line is way better than those despite its (relative) obscurity! Utahraptor: There are still way better opening lines that are relatively unknown! T-Rex: Nope! Utahraptor: I give you the first line of Max Shulman's "Sleep Till Noon": "Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Four shots ripped into my groin and I was off on the greatest adventure of my life!" T-Rex: Hah hah! Awesome. Okay, THAT one's tied for first. With me. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Utahraptor, can you help me write a whole story based around one fantastic opening line? Off panel: Depends; what's the line? T-Rex (punchline): "Hippity hoppity hippity hop: this story is about one SASSY-ass mop"?

i know *i* am

T-Rex: You know those guys who die in really stupid, preventable ways that are entirely their fault? I'm pretty sure there's like a billion different timelines where I'M that guy! Off panel: I'm sure there's not a BILLION of them, T-Rex. T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, just recently this dude was found dead with shards of glass in his heart! You know what happened? His new lava lamp was taking TOO FRIGGIN' LONG to warm up, so he put it on his stove and heated it, and it got too hot and exploded on him and he died. Dromiceiomimus: Whoah! That's terrible. T-Rex: I know! And I'm not the only one who heard that story and thought, "Wow; glad he got the lava lamp before I did." Utahraptor: A man died, T-Rex! That's not funny! T-Rex: Utahraptor, I'm not joking! T-Rex: I truly believe I could've been the one who died. The sort of thing he did is exactly the sort of thing you do when you're home alone and frustrated with a lava lamp! You SOLVE PROBLEMS. Utahraptor: And sometimes you die. T-Rex: Yes! But we recognize that one dies so that others may live. T-Rex: By we, I mean of course the membership of the People Who When They Hear A Story About An Avoidable And Crazy Death, Laugh As Is Expected Of Them And Then Make A Mental Note To Not Do That Thing Anymore. T-Rex (punchline): Our slogan is "Hi, you are probably already a member of our awesome club!"

And a very merry [REDACTED] to us all.

Narrator: CASE FILE #1024 THE SLED T-Rex: Thank you all for coming: I remind you this meeting is classified. This briefing is about a superficially ordinary cargo sled under the control of Case #1023, usually used on Christmas Eve. T-Rex: This sled allows access to millions of complicit families, all within a single 24-hour period! Dromiceiomimus: While the reasons for these visits remain classified - thankfully obscured by constructed myth - the method used for them can be shared with you today: Agents, this Sled allows for selective logical addition of quantum realities. Put simply: elements of alternate timelines can be merged into our own. T-Rex: If you choose 100 randomly-selected houses to deliver presents to - Utahraptor: - then there's an alternate reality where 100 different houses were chosen! T-Rex: Precisely. Doctor? Utahraptor: Subject interfaced with the Sled can selectively collapse those realities into ours, which results in a final timeline in which every good little girl and boy gets a present. T-Rex: When "Rudolph" went against "Frosty" this afternoon, he failed. But we were able to use the Sled. And now, he was successful. T-Rex: But overwriting the trillions of timelines in which we failed with our only victory led to some side-effects, including 175,250,000 alternative "Rudolph" corpses that materialized in a fused-together mound near the North Pole. T-Rex (punchline): Cleanup duty begins at 0800. Dismissed!

any game that you can randomly lose on the first turn is a stupid game. YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE, DON'T EVEN TRY TO PLAY IT OFF LIKE PLANTING LITTLE FLAGS IS FUN

T-Rex: Alright man! Today is the day to accomplish some friggin' GOALS. Today is the day to achieve ALL the goalsets!! Narrator: HOURS LATER: T-Rex: Frig, maybe today's the day to play eighty billion games of solitaire instead! T-Rex: How do you tell? How do you know if today is the day to be Captain Achievement or if it's the day to be Captain Maybe Someone Has Sent Me A New Email, Still No Huh, serving proudly under Commodore I've Finally Been Able To Convince Myself That Minesweeper Is Actually Fun, Wow Suddenly I Feel So Much Closer To Death? T-Rex: Proud officers, all! Utahraptor: You're assuming that a day is predestined to be one of these days! T-Rex: Perhaps! T-Rex: You think I should be serving under Air Marshal Today Is What You Make Of It? Utahraptor: Sure. Sign up to serve with Petty Officer Why Are We Giving Our Opinions Stupid Military Ranks Anyway. T-Rex: Way ahead of you, Utahraptor!! T-Rex: Wait... "STUPID military ranks"? Brigadier General I Thought We Were Friends, Utahraptor!! T-Rex (punchline): Okay wait suddenly I see your point

i'm not even fooling. i take them very seriously.

T-Rex: Man, I've always wanted to travel to the future! T-Rex: Always! T-Rex: It would be SO COOL to see how things work out. Wouldn't you agree, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I guess! T-Rex: Also, I'd take back future technology with me and claim it as my own invention. Utahraptor: You can't do that, T-Rex! T-Rex: Says you! Utahraptor: Says LOGIC. Think about it: if you did that, then where did the idea for the invention come from? You didn't have it, and now the future inventor won't have it either... T-Rex: A paradox! Utahraptor: Yes! T-Rex (punchline): There's nothing funny about paradoxes.

labcoats are scooby snacks to all true professors of science. professor! would you perform this experiment for... THREE labcoats?

T-Rex: So light behaves like both a particle and a wave, right? And I can hit dudes with particles. Is there nothing stopping me from making a light cannon, which, when fired, throws dudes up against the wall? T-Rex: Weaponized photons! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex - photons don't have any mass, do they? If they had mass, wouldn't that mean that walking outside on a sunny day would mean being hit with trillions of tiny bullets, reducing everything to a red, pulpy, well-lit paste? T-Rex: But then how do solar sails work? And photon engines? Don't they work by photons pushing against things? HAS SCIENCE FICTION BEEN LYING THROUGH ITS SCIENCE TEETH?? Utahraptor: Maybe even without mass, photons can still exert pressure! T-Rex: Perhaps!! T-Rex: And if solar sails work, THEN SO TOO WILL MY LIGHT CANNON! I'll just need tons of light. Utahraptor: I think you'd need more than the entire output of the sun! T-Rex: THAT, my friend, would be a pretty sweet cannon slash flashlight. Quick! To Professor Science's house! Narrator: SOON: Off panel: I don't think he's home. T-Rex: Sure he is. PROFESSOR SCIENCE! IT'S T-REX, UTAHRAPTOR AND DROMICEIOMIMUS! T-Rex (punchline): We brought LABCOATS!

comics with sudden changes in intended audience!

T-Rex: Yes my friends, spring will be coming soon! T-Rex: Hooray!! T-Rex: Spring is my favourite season, Dromiceiomimus. Do you know why? Dromiceiomimus: Nope! T-Rex: It is my favourite season because it is so pretty! Utahraptor: Wait - just a few months ago you told me summer was your favourite season! T-Rex: Oops! Utahraptor: Could it be that you've been LYING to us, and that you don't really HAVE a favourite season? T-Rex: No, I wasn't lying! T-Rex: I just -- um! Narrator: NO ONE BELIEVES T-REX EVER AGAIN: T-Rex (punchline): Fuuuuck

YOUR PARENTS WILL KNOW

T-Rex: Hello and welcome to I Am An Angry Person Who Doesn't Understand Why I'm Here. Off panel: ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH T-Rex: Hah! That's classic Angry People Who Don't Understand Why They're Here! T-Rex: Now class, you may be angry and confused, but you should strive to rise above these instincts. Albert Einstein wasn't angry and confused! He was smart and only angry SOMETIMES. Off panel: AHHH FRIG WHY AM I HERE?! T-Rex: See this is precisely the sort of attitude that got you in this class in the first place. T-Rex: Professor Utahraptor, would you care to take the lead? Utahraptor: Thank you, Professor T-Rex. Utahraptor: T-Rex, have you ever been angry and confused? T-Rex: Oh, certainly! But eventually I STOPPED being angry and confused. It was real nice to stop being that for a while. T-Rex: I recommend everyone try it. Off panel: AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH T-Rex: Quiet at the back, or I'll transfer you to "I Am An Angry Person Who Sits In Garbage All The Time And Smells Like It Too: I'm Bad At Things"! T-Rex (punchline): It'll go on your résumé, dude! Real talk!!

we can discuss this afterwards!

Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEY ARE WRONG COMICS Narrator: WARNING: use only when somebody is DEFINITELY not correct right now T-Rex: Yes! This will be handy for me, because people is sometimes wrong! Narrator: THE "HEY DID YOU SEE THAT MOVIE" APPROACH: Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, all I'm saying is that I can be just as "manly" as I am now if I don't go "extreme baseball skydiving" with you. T-Rex: Hey, have you seen the movie "Boy! Is Dromiceiomimus Ever Wrong."? T-Rex: It's, uh - T-Rex: It's pretty convincing Narrator: THAT ONE'S PRETTY FUN. YOU GET TO MAKE UP DIFFERENT MOVIE TITLES. Narrator: FUN TIMES Narrator: THE DIRECT APPROACH: Utahraptor: I think maybe there are other options! Narrator: THIS ONE ISN'T SO FUNNY ACTUALLY Narrator: YOU CAN ALSO TRY USING BODY LANGUAGE: T-Rex (punchline): That sounds like a GREAT idea! Now I'll be backing away from you with my arms held up in a "don't shoot" position. Off panel: Guys! I think he's using body language to criticize our idea!! Off panel: Let's mug him anyway!

mulvey LATER wrote that the paper in which she talked about the male gaze was meant as more 'provocation' than 'well-reasoned argument'. sweet! this is a great way to silence critics. it is the 'hah - you fell for it suckers!' school of debate. the only allowable response is 'oh man, you got me! you got me!!'

Devil: MMM SALUTATIONS T-REX Devil: HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE MALE GAZE T-Rex: I have, actually! It's a film theory. T-Rex: The idea is that the camera is situated by and for men! T-Rex: Thus, we always see more of the woman's body than we do of the man's in film - the camera possesses the (heterosexual) male gaze, and thereby disenfranchises the woman by reducing her to the passive object of gaze, while the male is elevated to the active gazer. It is a NOT UNCONTROVERSIAL theory. Devil: YES BUT T-Rex: - but what about that as applied to video games? Devil: UM T-Rex: Wow, I never thought YOU'D be interested in this male gazey stuff! Utahraptor: Who'd be interested? Devil: APPARENTLY ME T-Rex: The Devil! I thought he was more interested in, you know, WALL HAXX than in sexual power structures societally encoded into the cinematic gaze! (The added wrinkle of increased agency in games makes it EXTRA interesting!) Utahraptor: Huh! I guess he surprised you! Devil: IN REALITY T-REX I WAS MERELY PLAYING SINGLE PLAYER COMPUTER JEOPARDY AND NEEDED TO KNOW WHO CAME UP WITH THE THEORY T-Rex (punchline): Laura Mulvey! Devil: I ASSURE YOU Devil: THE TIMER HAS LONG SINCE EXPIRED

woo

T-Rex: New bike day is when everybody gets new bikes! Narrator: NEW BIKE DAY T-Rex: Woo! New bike day! T-Rex: And then, after we all get the new bikes, do you know what happens? Dromiceiomimus: What happens? T-Rex: What happens is we all receive gold medals for having such nice bikes! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Now, we DEFINITELY have to name our bikes. Utahraptor: I've got my name picked out! Utahraptor: My bike will be called "Susan". It's a good name! T-Rex: My bike will be called "Sexual Intercourse: The Bike"! Utahraptor: MAN. That's a good name too. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Guys, guys - our gold medals are made of solid and delicious CHOCOLATE!! I'm SO GLAD new bike day truly exists here, in the real world. T-Rex (punchline): Let's hear it for reality, huh?

I CAUTION YOU / IN DEFEATING ORCS WE MAY FIND THE ONLY VILLAIN LEFT TO FACE IS OUR OWN PREJUDICE

T-Rex: Hey, who wants to party? I woke up and I said "I want to party!" and then I gasped because it was BONA FIDE FACTS. T-Rex: Is this TRULY the day when everyone else wants to party as well? T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus - wanna party?? Dromiceiomimus: I can't, T-Rex! I've got a dentist appointment. T-Rex: We can party afterwards! Dromiceiomimus: Depends on how it goes at the dentist, I think. I don't want to party with new fillings. T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. He'll want to party! That guy parties like it's 1999, a rock star, AND like Marty. Utahraptor: I can't, man! Utahraptor: My brother and his kid are coming over. A quiet night in, you know? T-Rex: Man! I even checked with God and he was all "I'M BUSY WITH GOD STUFF BLAH BLAH BLAH HEY I'M WAY TOO IMPORTANT TO COME PARTY WITH MY AWESOME DINOSAUR FRIEND". Who am I going to party with, the Devil? Devil: MMM T-REX I HAVE NEVER RECEIVED SUCH AN INVITATION FROM YOU AND I WILL BE PLEASED TO ATTEND Devil: IS THIS A PARTY OF THE LAN OR OF THE RPG VARIETY T-Rex (punchline): It's - um, I'm not - Devil: I CAUTION YOU Devil: IT CAN BE BOTH

ANYWAY four kicks in he would have started worrying that his later kicks lack the joy and verve of his earlier ones, but realized that if he doesn't practice he'll never get better. forty kicks in and strangers would have started complimenting him on his kicks, which is the best and most flattering thing in the world! four hundred kicks in and his family would have started asking him to stop kicking kangaroos and get a real job. he would have been all, >:0

Narrator: FOUR YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for being remembered! My lovely visage, callipygian frame, startlingly awesome calves and charming smile will yet go down in history! And how will I be immortalized? T-Rex: I will be immortalized by kicking an evil kangaroo one thousand times. Right in the bum! T-Rex: And YEAH, kicking a kangaroo in the bum has PROBABLY been done before, but never one thousand times! That's the secret to immortality: pick a direction and go SO FAR OUT in it that anyone who points to you will have to say, "Here, this is as far as anyone needs to go." Then, hey presto, you're immortalized! You're the dude who kicked an evil kangaroo as often as evil kangaroos could ever need be kicked - probably more often, actually. Utahraptor: So you're going for recordbook immortality? T-Rex: Crazy utahraptor!! T-Rex: I'm going for STUNT immortality. I'll just keep kicking that kangaroo until even if somebody wanted to catch up, they'd look at my record and say "Well, THAT'S totally not worth doing". Utahraptor: I guess, if that's how you want to spend your life. T-Rex: IT APPARENTLY IS Narrator: FOUR YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Aw shoot, I was supposed to be kicking kangaroos all this time! God: LOOKS LIKE PEOPLE WILL JUST REMEMBER YOU FOR TALKING A BIG GAME MY FRIEND T-Rex (punchline): I will take what I can get!!

if there was any dinosaur comic begging for fan art, it is this one, fan art SO GREAT it replaces the standard representation of mermaids and taurs both centa and mino. this be your challenge

T-Rex: Centaurs! Everyone loves centaurs because they're a horse on the bottom half - T-Rex: - and a dinosaur on the top half! T-Rex: It's FLAWLESSLY AWESOME. A horse body combined with my upper torso? WHAT IS THERE NOT TO LIKE? Dromiceiomimus: While centaurs are pretty awesome, I think mermaids are better: fish bottoms, ferocious dinosaur tops! T-Rex: Aw geez, I forgot how amazing mermaids are!! Utahraptor: I like the minotaur: head of a bull, body of a dinosaur! T-Rex: No doubt, it's a rad beast! T-Rex: You ever wonder if these amazing creatures will get messed up by future generations? Like, instead of having awesome dinosaur parts, they'd replace them with something much wimpier and softer, like I dunno, mammals or protoprimates? Utahraptor: So terrible! The very idea makes me want to drop a barf. Off panel: Oh no! I'm dropping a barf right now because I imagined it too hard! T-Rex (punchline): Don't vom on the carpets! Off panel: blegh Off panel: Oh no, the vom is coming out

THEY ARE EACH MORE DELICIOUS THAN THE LAST WHEN ARRANGED IN ORDER OF INCREASING DELICIOUSNESS AND WITH A SENSITIVE ENOUGH DELICIOUSNESS SCALE

T-Rex: I am a man who enjoys eating a barbequed pork chop now and again and then a few times more. T-Rex: There's no shame in that! T-Rex: And if you are a man - OR a woman, Dromiceiomimus! - who shares my love for tasty barbequed meat, then you should come over tonight and we'll have a barbeque! Dromiceiomimus: You can barbeque vegetables, T-Rex. I'll bring some vegetables and I'll teach you how! T-Rex: FINE Utahraptor: You can also barbeque whole chickens, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh man, and you'll bring some chickens and teach me how? Utahraptor: Sure! I'm sure I can pick some up. T-Rex (punchline): EXCELLENT. It's going to be a meat and smoke orgy, Utahraptor. I'm pretty sure we'll end up eating one of ALL of God's creatures, which reminds me, I should invite God to this! Narrator: LATER: God: T-REX THERE ARE LIKE TWENTY TRILLION DIFFERENT KINDS OF BACTERIA THAT YOU'D HAVE TO BARBEQUE TO TASTE ONE OF ALL THE LIFE ON EARTH God: THAT SAID God: THEY'RE ALL DELICIOUS SO I'M TOTALLY THERE

HONESTLY TRUTH BE TOLD I USE OMNIPOTENCE TO DO A LOT OF THINGS

T-Rex: God, what would you do if you had a secret, and it was awesome, but you were worried that if someone found it out then it wouldn't be as special anymore? God: FLOOD THE PLANET T-Rex: Huh! God: DUDE SO WHAT'S THE SECRET T-Rex: I'm not telling! That's why it's a SECRET. Dromiceiomimus: Oooh! What's a secret? T-Rex: Nothing! I don't have any secrets! T-Rex: ...What IS a secret? Whoah, you guys! I've so few secrets that I've JUST NOW forgotten what a secret is! Utahraptor: Wow, that's the least-plausible denial I've ever heard! T-Rex: And yet, the most compelling? Utahraptor: Hey man, if you don't want to share your secret with me, that's fine. I'm not gonna pry! T-Rex: Okay, thanks, because this one is a TOP secret. This is one secret that I'll take with me to my grave. God: T-REX I USED OMNIPOTENCE TO FIND OUT YOUR SECRET AND MAN EVERYONE KNOWS THERE'S A HIDDEN 1UP JUST BEFORE THE FIRST PIT IN THE FIRST LEVEL OF SUPER MARIO BROS T-Rex: Dude!! T-Rex (punchline): They do NOW

an alternate ending had t-rex calling his tallness a 'body feature' and then listing other features his body had, but it ended up being pretty gross. body features more like BAWDY features

T-Rex: Being tall in a world designed for average people can be sucky sometimes! T-Rex: On account of the occasional back pain, that is! Dromiceiomimus: Whoah, you get back pain? Mr. "I'm So Tough I Barely Miss Having Feelings?" T-Rex: Sometimes! Only when I do the dishes. It's just because the counters at my house are designed for "norms", so I have to bend over to wash things in the sink! T-Rex: ("Norms" is what I call normal people, AND sets of guys named "Norm".) Utahraptor: Hey, can we segue this into talking about disabilities? T-Rex: Sure, I guess! T-Rex: ALTHOUGH, I'd rather if we didn't. There's a lot of issues and politics around disabilities (can deafness be something to be proud of? What do you make of strangers who volunteer to push you in your wheelchair?), and I'd rather not get involved in the debate via my being "super tall". Utahraptor: Okay nevermind! Narrator: LATER, T-REX GETS INVOLVED IN THE DEBATE ANYWAY: Off panel: Be it resolved that deaf couples should not be encouraged to adopt children who can hear. T-Rex: HEY AN AUDIENCE MEMBER HAS SOME OPINIONS HE'D LIKE TO SHARE T-Rex: ME T-Rex (punchline): I'M THE AUDIENCE MEMBER

oh dang do i add 'fartnoise' to my spellcheck or not? what to do what to do

T-Rex: Linguistic universals are a small handful of properties that can be universally applied to every natural language on the planet! T-Rex: For example: every natural language includes the ideas of being "alive" and "dead"! T-Rex: That's not really surprising, I guess, since every language EVER has been spoken by people who once were alive and are now totes dead. Similarly, every language has concepts of "male" and "female", which suggests that we, as a people, find naughty bits interesting! Dromiceiomimus: They do define who can procreate. T-Rex: Um, I KNOW Utahraptor: Are there any more interesting universals? T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: No natural language uses the "blowing a raspberry" fart noise sound as a phoneme, which is just - it's just - well, it's too bad, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: Yes, really! Someone's name could be FARTNOISE FARTNOISE JUNIOR, and that someone could've been ME. T-Rex (punchline): And that brings us to today's Proof We're Not Living In The Best Of All Possible Worlds! Parchment scroll: “None of us are friends with Fartnoise Fartnoise Junior”

when t-rex gets angry he likes to shout the name of the person or thing that made him so upset into his communicator! unfortunately captain kirk and khan have taken care of THAT little number

T-Rex: Man, forget television, books, films, short films, to a lesser extent plays and other theatre, and the remaining popular media! They have cheapened emotion by putting it on constant display. T-Rex: This I do believe! T-Rex: Maybe "cheapened" is too strong a word, but it's now - routine? Predictable? Now if we've made a big mistake we can't say "My God! What have I done?" because it's too cliché: we either have to acknowledge that or reach for another way to express it. IN CONCLUSION AND IN SUMMARY, the highest experiences life can offer have already been acted out for us, cheapened by imitation and reference instead of experienced firsthand! Utahraptor: Do you really feel this way? T-Rex: Sometimes! Especially when I get angry. T-Rex: It's just that - it can be hard to have a meaningful conversation when you're dancing around all these clichés. Utahraptor: Well, actually, that's one of the things that first attracted me to you: your ability to IGNORE popular culture, your willingness to talk as if nobody's listening. T-Rex: Aww! That is me! I talk as if nobody's listening, I dance as if nobody's watching, and I eat as if nobody's hungry. Off panel: That last one is a BIT less attractive. T-Rex: I also vacuum as if nobody's going to get their carpets any cleaner! T-Rex (punchline): Daaaamn!