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my personal brand is u_u

God: WHAT'S UP T-REX T-Rex: Oh, not much! T-Rex: Just worrying about my personal brand! T-Rex: Sometimes I'm concerned I'm not marketing myself to others effectively, you know? I don't even have a video resume highlighting my personal development successes! I'm MINIMALLY leveraging my reputation capital and don't even ask me about my impression management initiatives!! SHEESH. Honestly, my unique value propositions are barely differentiated for front-of-mind positioning. Utahraptor: T-Rex, you are the product of millions of years of evolution! T-Rex: And how! Utahraptor: We can trace a single, vibrant line from your birth all the way back to the very origins of life on earth. T-Rex: Nice! Utahraptor: And, as this pinnacle of evolution, YOU ARE HONESTLY WORRYING ABOUT YOUR "PERSONAL BRAND". This friendship is OVER. T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor's personal brand is soooooo sassy

t-rex's erotic fiction characters, amelia and antonio tony, are lifted from t-rex's real life erotic non-fiction characters of the same name

T-Rex: Instead of stealing out-of-copyright characters, maybe original characters are the way to go? Narrator: SOON. T-Rex: Maybe original characters are dumb and I hate them?? T-Rex: After days of effort, I've only invented two of them: one is "Sherlock Bones", who I admit was PARTIALLY inspired by Sherlock, but he's a dog now. Only he can't solve crimes because he's a dog. His owner puts him into dog shows and has him running around poles and stuff. You know, he's okay at it. Dromiceiomimus: And the other? T-Rex: "James Watt's Son". He uh, writes down what the dog does. Utahraptor: These still seem pretty inspired by Sherlock Holmes! T-Rex: I know!! T-Rex: How am I supposed to come up with original characters if all I read is Sherlock Holmes stuff? Utahraptor: Well - keep writing! Eventually your stories have got to segue into something more original. T-Rex: Got it! Narrator: LATER. T-Rex: Meet "Fe5ac5", the unknowable space-galactic page-a-day calendar from the year 646! He demands tribute from the moon people!! Off panel: T-Rex you went too far!! Your characters are now TOO original! T-Rex (punchline): I CAN'T GO BACK

it turns out there's no real excuse for pretending you're deaf?

T-Rex: Oh my goodness, I feel sick to my stomach today. I woke up and I felt sick to my stomach already. Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: Ten roasted chickens for dinner? I believe the answer is "Heck yes!" Narrator: BACK IN THE PRESENT: T-Rex: I don't understand it! I was not around any sick people. I did not eat any bad food. And yet, ouch, my stomach! Dromiceiomimus: What did you have for dinner last night? T-Rex: I had ten whole chickens, Dromiceiomimus. Mmm-MMM! Utahraptor: Well, there's your problem, my friend! T-Rex: No way! T-Rex: They were very delicious chickens. I would eat them all again, given the chance. Utahraptor: Yeah, but you shouldn't just have chicken for dinner, T-Rex. You need BALANCE in your diet. Nutrition, man! You know about nutrition. Narrator: CONFESSION TIME! T-Rex: Alright, I admit it! I knew it was bad for me, but I ate them anyway! And - sometimes I don't clean my house as often as I should? Oh! And one time I pretended I was deaf. T-Rex (punchline): [small] I - I got caught.

'i will do this using capitalism' would look pretty good on a t-shirt

T-Rex: I need to think of awesome presents to get all my friends! T-Rex: Then I'll go out and buy these gifts! I will do this using CAPITALISM. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, if you could have anything in the whole world, what would you want? Dromiceiomimus: Peace and love and joy and hope and truth and beauty. T-Rex: Really? Hmm... Utahraptor: What's the matter, T-Rex? You seem preoccupied. T-Rex: I am! T-Rex: I'm worried that my Dinosaur Present Day, Featuring T-Rex, has become too commercial! We've forgotten about the true spirit of the day. Utahraptor: How can a one-day-old holiday have a true spirit? T-Rex (punchline): That's the magic of Dinosaur Present Day, Featuring T-Rex!

your whole family is made out of (bones and) meat

T-Rex: Turns out, we're members of a social species! We need to see other people and if we don't we get sad and weird!! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE US! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, what are you talking about? You love having friends! T-Rex: Sure, absolutely! But I was under the impression it was OPTIONAL! I thought I was a CHOOSING to have friends, not that I was biologically hard-wired for 'em!! T-Rex: What other aspects of my personality are just BIOLOGICAL DIRECTIVES? Am I nothing more than a mass of genetic imperatives?? Utahraptor: Yep! Utahraptor: You're a mass of bones and meat with needs and desires, of course that's affected who you are! If I wasn't bones and meat with needs and desires myself, I'd be SHOCKED the system even works! T-Rex: I need and desire you to stop describing my body that way. Off panel: If you tried to turn a ham sandwich into a sentient intelligence you'd expect there to be SOME side effects, so why are you surprised to see 'em when we're running on FAT and BLOOD and WEIRD JUICES?? T-Rex (punchline): Okay nope that made it worse; let's go back to "bones and meat" please!

when t-rex says "looking at punches", he means, like, the kind of punches that make people sit down and have birds tweet around their head. not the kind that's in a bowl with a ladle. that one is only sometimes.

T-Rex: I have a problem as a reader, as a Consumer of Fictional and Non-Fictional Worlds. My problem is this: T-Rex: I really don't think dreams are important? T-Rex: I didn't think that MOST people thought that dreams were all that important, but I must be in the minority, because I keep seeing fiction that uses dreams as Very Significant Symbolism. And the worst is when stories end on these Significant Dreams, because in my mind, I'm thinking "This is ridiculous; when will we get back to the real story? This is entirely irrelevant." and then it's over and I think "Oh. Huh." Utahraptor: You really can't get past your opinion on dreams? T-Rex: I can't. Nor do I want to! T-Rex: They're random firings of sleepy brains. They're stupid stuff that my brain does to entertain itself when I'm not around to make it look at chicks or punches. Utahraptor: I mean, I agree with you, but I can still accept dreams as a narrative device. T-Rex: Never!! Narrator: LATER: Text: Hamlet II dreamed he was the lead singer of C+C Music Factory. He woke up. "C+C Music Factory?" he thought, shaking his head. "How irrelevant." He then focused himself on the seriously erotic business of being Hamlet II. T-Rex (punchline): There! Sex AND politics!

i found this comic on my harddrive and i have no memory of writing it! hah hah hah, oh well!

T-Rex: Sociopaths view other people as obstacles. T-Rex: Isn't that WEIRD? T-Rex: Hah! There's a lot of crazy things about sociopaths. The whole callous unconcern for the feeling of others, incapacity to feel guilt and to profit from past experience, and disregard for social norms, for example! Utahraptor: Any particular reason you're talking about sociopaths? T-Rex: No reason! T-Rex: Certainly no SOCIOPATHIC reason, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: Ok- T-Rex: Certainly no SOCIOPATHIC reason. T-Rex: Hah hah! Come'ere you, I was just fooling around! T-Rex (punchline): GIVE ME A HUG.

it's just plain not a sandwich!

T-Rex: I think it would be nice if I gave presents to people, once a year! Furthermore, it would be nice if I did this on a set day. T-Rex: I will call this day "Dinosaur Present Day, Featuring T-Rex"! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, did you know that Dinosaur Present Day, Featuring T-Rex, is coming up? Dromiceiomimus: How can Dinosaur PRESENT day be coming up? T-Rex: Ho ho ho, I get it. No, "present" as in the gift! Dromiceiomimus: Ha ha ha! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: You're going to be giving out presents, T-Rex? T-Rex: I am! Utahraptor: Awesome! What am I getting? T-Rex: It's a surprise! Utahraptor: Is it a... DOG? T-Rex: No. Utahraptor: Is it a... SANDWICH? T-Rex (punchline): No!

having a skinny healthy guy say utahraptor's sentence is useful if you ever need to calibrate a machine designed to detect ULTIMATE SMUGNESS

T-Rex: Two months ago I noticed I had a small case of the chubbs! So I decided to lose some weight, and THEN, I lost the weight. I just ate fewer foods? T-Rex: Guys, this is terrible! T-Rex: Nobody who's trying to lose weight wants to hear from the guy who shed pounds like they were a Hallowe'en costume... in July, or something. That is to say, "quickly"? T-Rex: The point is that dieting is about commiserating, and I'm the guy who shows up to the party saying "guys, it's not hard" and that my secret to weight-loss success is "um, eating less." Utahraptor: Maybe you can present it in a more positive way? T-Rex: How? Utahraptor: Well, instead of saying "I just ate less", why not say "While portion control remains the most important part of weight loss, healthier choices and an active lifestyle all contribute towards positive change in our lives"? T-Rex: Utahraptor, I'm your friend and even I hate you a little just from that sentence. Narrator: LATER: Off panel: Hey, T-Rex, looking good! Have you lost weight? T-Rex (punchline): Yeah! It took a whole lot of diet plans, and... and breakfast... shakes? Off panel: NICE.

hah hah! me too!

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to talk about pretension! T-Rex: Pretension! Ah, pretension! T-Rex: Where would we be without pretension? We'd be short a few critical essays on Leonard Cohen, that's for sure. Dromiceiomimus: Hey, what do you have against singer/poetsmith Leonard Cohen? T-Rex: Nothing! Of course! Utahraptor: Pretension's pretty subjective, huh? T-Rex: Alas, it's true! Utahraptor: One person's pretension can easily be another's well-argued piece of literature. T-Rex: I'd like to set up some authority for pretension, but that itself would be pretentious. Utahraptor: That's probably why nobody's done it before. Narrator: T-REX DOES IT ANYWAY: T-Rex: Heck, I've got the time! T-Rex (punchline): I'm UNEMPLOYABLE.

shortly thereafter: ralphs

T-Rex: Is it possible to imagine something SO INSANELY DISGUSTING that I actually, physically, throw up? Is my imagination that powerful? T-Rex: I actually don't think I ever want to find out! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you ever approach something new, and sort of decide if you want to be really good at it, or just a dabbler? Dromiceiomimus: Sometimes, I guess! T-Rex: Yeah, I do that sometimes too. You know? Like with painting. I don't think I even WANT to be that good at it. I just like my naïve enjoyment of it. Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: T-Rex! We'll be late for the movie!! T-Rex: Just a sec just a sec! Utahraptor: Man, come on! It starts at 9:20 and it's almost nine now and it'll take us about twenty minutes to get there! The ads they play before the film won't last forever!! T-Rex: Okay, okay! Just a sec! Narrator: YEARS LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Aw, darn it! GROSS!

your body lets you know you did a good job for you, anyway! everyone else may say, "what's so erotic about a conga line skydiving off of an art deco zeppli- OH WAIT NEVERMIND"

T-Rex: I think I'd be really good at writing comedy! And I also think I'd be great at writing horror and EROTICAL FICTION/BIOGRAPHY. T-Rex: They're all genres wherein your body tells you when you're doing it right! T-Rex: If I write good comedy, I know it's good because I laugh! And good horror and erotica provoke a physical response too: scaredy motions and/or PRIVATE TIMES, respectively. My body lets me know "Hey, this bit works. Good job." by PHYSICALLY CHANGING STATE, which, when you think about it, is basically amazing. T-Rex: And that's why humour, horror and erotica are the #1 best genres! Utahraptor: But your body changes all the time! Utahraptor: If you write a really dramatic scene, your heart rate goes up! T-Rex: Come on! Who writes drama hooked up to a heart monitor? Utahraptor: The extre- T-Rex: Um, BESIDES THE EXTREMELY ELDERLY, OBVIOUSLY. T-Rex (punchline): Um, IT'S REALLY SAD TO CONSIDER LIVING THAT WAY, OBVIOUSLY.

when i go home for christmas i anticipate many conversations along these lines with my father

T-Rex: Imagine if Santa Claus worked at a newspaper? T-Rex: "Ho-ho-hold the front page!" he'd say! T-Rex: Hee hee! T-Rex: Or if he worked on a boat: "Ho-ho-hoist that mainsail, lads!" T-Rex: Or if he worked as a chipmunk, he'd say "I'm going to ho-ho-hoard all these nuts!" T-Rex: I bet he would! Utahraptor: "If he worked as a chipmunk"?! Your wit seems a bit off today, my friend! T-Rex: Ho-ho-hold up? T-Rex: Ahem. My wit is CHRISTMAS THEMED. Utahraptor: That doesn't make it good though! Lots of Christmas themed stuff is REALLY BAD. T-Rex: You may be right! However: I still think my wit is stellar! T-Rex: Come on, tell me that if Santa Claus worked as a chipmunk, he wouldn't talk about ho-ho-hoarding nuts! Off panel: That's not a job! T-Rex (punchline): It's a calling, I know; answer the question!

while john campbell's long john silver's sponsorship didn't work out, here's hoping my super mario wiki one will

T-Rex: Tattoos are insurance policies! They're ways of preserving who you are now for the rest of your life. T-Rex: And I present proof! Proof by explaining what I just said! T-Rex: When you get a tattoo, you're getting pictures or words - or both! - written right onto your flesh permanently, assuming you don't remove or alter them. And pictures or words are really just communication, and communication is really just ideas in transit, right? So a tattoo is really just Present You telling Future You "Look, this was important to me, so um, I kinda made sure you're not going to forget it." Utahraptor: It's an insurance policy for personal development? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: If I get a Koopa Troopa tattoo, I know that no matter what happens to me in the future, no matter what jobs I take or interests I develop, I'll always be, AT MINIMUM, the sort of guy who has a Koopa Troopa burned into his flesh. Utahraptor: ... T-Rex: Or a Koopa Paratroopa. Whatever. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): They're the ones with wings!

WHILE YOU EAT, LET'S HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT THE NATURE OF CONSENT

T-Rex: Ah yes, a new move, a new house! A new beginning, another chance to - Off panel: HELLO NEIGHBOUR! Off panel: WE MOVED TOO BECAUSE Off panel: WE MISSED YOUR SCENT Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Well, I'm not sure what I was expecting. Oh wait, yes I do! I WAS EXPECTING TO LEAVE MY INCREDIBLY CREEPY RACCOONO-CEPHALOPOD NEIGHBOURS BEHIND. They followed me, Dromiceiomimus! THEY moved to the place next to MY new place! Dromiceiomimus: Aww! That's adorable! T-Rex: IT'S NOT ADORABLE. Utahraptor: It's kinda adorable! T-Rex: You know what's adorable? PUPPIES. Not nimble-handed scavengers who EAT LIFE, not multi-armed sea-dwelling cannibals bringing their intellects, vast and cool and unsympathetic, wholly and singularly to bear on the problem of CREEPING ME THE HECK OUT. Utahraptor: I like 'em. Narrator: LATER: Off panel: WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBOURHOOD, T-REX! WE BROUGHT YOU SOME PUDDING T-Rex (punchline): What - what kind of pudding? Off panel: IT'S SORT OF LIKE BLOOD PUDDING BUT ON TOP OF THE BLOOD WE ADDED - Off panel: - WELL, YOU'LL SEE

i call this tale, "the tears can be used as a power source"

T-Rex: Here are some things that are sad! T-Rex: Abandoned puppies, and little birds with a wing in a cast. Aww! T-Rex: And then you throw in an orphan with a crutch! And a little girl holding the limp string and rubbery plastic remains of her only birthday gift this year, a balloon with the words "Happy Birthday, Naseem!" printed on it. The girl's name is Jenn. Dromiceiomimus: And the balloon wasn't filled with helium! It was filled with water. T-Rex: Brackish, swampy water! And it was tossed to her without warning and now she's drenched. Utahraptor: And the water also drenched the orphan and puppies and birds! T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: They're all drenched, lost in sorrow - a new kind of sorrow, a grief, a sadness so intense it could smother them. Dripping wet, staring at the ground, they weep. Eventually Jenn looks up and smiles as best she can, bravely, but it's so small, so fragile. She turns and walks away, her broken balloon dragging behind her. T-Rex (punchline): A scientist runs up, explaining that dogs and birds can't cry! But, as she examines the animals she discovers that in addition to tear ducts, they have ALSO evolved the ability to experience sadness with an intensity previously unknown on the planet. THE END.

T-REX'S STORY BEGAN WHEN THERE WAS A GUY IN THE BATHROOM STALL, AND THEN HE SAW THERE WAS ANOTHER GUY (T-REX) IN THE BATHROOM STALL. THE FIRST GUY PONDERED, "WHERE DID THAT T-REX GUY COME FROM?" HE PONDERED AS HARD AS HE COULD.

T-Rex: A creation myth! Frig! T-Rex: THAT'S what separates me from most major religions! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you gotta help me. I need a creation myth! Dromiceiomimus: One day your parents had sex, and then later you showed up? T-Rex: No no, it needs to be epic! It needs to stand up against stories from EVERY RELIGION EVER. Dromiceiomimus: One day your parents had INSANELY EPIC SEX, and then later, you showed up? T-Rex: Better! T-Rex: And yet, somehow worse! Utahraptor: We're trying to explain YOUR origin here? T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: Okay, but - the reason religions have creation myths is that they're addressing huge questions with no obvious answer. "Where did we all come from?" Everyone's pondered that question! "Where did that T-Rex guy come from?" is only really pondered by the other guy in the bathroom stall. Off panel: He thought he was alone in there! T-Rex (punchline): I GOT IT, THANKS

t-rex's greatest inventions of the past century: women's suffrage, poutine, chips!

T-Rex: Man, if I were sent back in time 200 years, I could easily make myself into a serious king by "inventing" things two hundred years too early! T-Rex: Easily! T-Rex: I couldn't invent penicillin because I don't know what mold is used, but I could do stuff with electricity! Like... magnetically levitated trains? Oooh, and electric fly swatters! Dromiceiomimus: I could approximate some great works of fiction! T-Rex: With our powers combined, we'd be unstoppable! Utahraptor: I'm not really sure that I could invent anything useful, though! T-Rex: Why not? Utahraptor: I don't really have much of a great mechanical understanding. Could I design and build an internal combustion engine? The answer is no. ALTHOUGH, come to think of it, I could invent modern foods like chips and poutine! T-Rex: Dude!! T-Rex (punchline): We could also invent women's rights, and then totally take all the credit for it!

these days when the phone rings, i can reasonably expect it to be a telemarketer looking for 'r. north' and when i say 'well, which r. north do you want?' they say 'um, the one who is in charge of your family's eavestroughing decision making?' and i say 'hell, man! that's ME!'

Narrator: IT'S WEDNESDAY! HOW ARE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS T-Rex: I would rate my relationships: T-Rex: Pretty Okay! Dromiceiomimus: My relationships are fine too! I broke up with the guy I was dating, but it's cool. T-Rex: What was the reason? Dromiceiomimus: He punned too often? And they weren't even, like, good puns. They were always the same puns. T-Rex: Sometimes you want to eat corn without hearing how corny it is. Dromiceiomimus: This is what I'm saying! Utahraptor: My relationships are fine too! T-Rex: How Are They? Utahraptor: WELL, I've been seeing this new guy, and it's nice. We went out to a movie last night and he held my hand when the lights went down. It was classy! And things are good with you? T-Rex (punchline): Yep! Let me tell you man, these days when the phone rings, I think it might be a girl! Narrator: LOOKS LIKE THIS: Off panel: *ring*

t-rex blinked, now just an animate skeleton with eyes. "i have always wondered if i would end up as an alive skeleton" he said. he rattled his ribs with his bony knuckles. "it appears that this question is now answered, i guess"

T-Rex: "T-Rex," she said "I'm in love with you." She gazed into his eyes, smiling. "I thought about it, and it's DEFINITELY because you're so handsome and intelligent." T-Rex: T-Rex laughed! T-Rex: "Baby," he replied, "it's also because I am sexy and loveable and smart and manly and sexy." She was nodding. He paused, looked around, and then whispered, "I put 'sexy' in twice because I'm - " "- twice as sexy" she whispered back, the two of them whispering it together. She knew that he was twice as sexy as a regular sexy man. That was probably a good thing for their relationship, he decided. Better that she know now, than be surprised down the road! Utahraptor: Suddenly she threw up on T-Rex, over and over until he was drenched in digestive fluid! T-Rex: No! That's not what happened! T-Rex: Um - "That's not what happened," she said, wiping her mouth. T-Rex realized that it wasn't vomit, it was - Utahraptor: - ultravomit, a new form of vomit that was digesting him alive! As his skin began to dissolve, T-Rex's face melted, slid down the side of his neck, and plopped onto the ground. Narrator: FOR SOME REASON T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR PUBLISH THEIR COLLABORATIVE STORY! IT GOES STRAIGHT TO NUMBER 1 T-Rex: Woo! Narrator: WHEN SORTED BY REVERSE POPULARITY T-Rex (punchline): awww daaaang

my friends, act like "friggin'" is in someone's name and eventually that will be the case

T-Rex: Man, speaking of pessimism, you know who's pessimistic? T-Rex: Arthur Friggin' Schopenhauer! T-Rex: Not only did A.F.S. not believe that this is the best of all possible worlds, he supplied a proof that this is, in fact, the WORST of all possible worlds! First he assumed that the worst possible world would be sustainable, since if it ended, nobody would be around to suffer. Prolonged suffering across millennia beats instant death! Dromiceiomimus: Clearly! T-Rex: CLEARLY. T-Rex: Then he observed that our world is good enough to support life, but just barely! Utahraptor: Life's everywhere, man! T-Rex: Sure, but one small shift in orbit, a slight change in temperature, and it's a catastrophe on a global scale. There's no wiggle room; if our fragile world was only a little worse there would be no life on it at all! Utahraptor: Therefore ours is the worst of all possible worlds? T-Rex: Yep! Because any worse and it wouldn't be a world, it would just be an empty planet without suffering, and nature ABHORS an empty planet without suffering. T-Rex: Anyway! T-Rex (punchline): I believe it was after this proof that A.F.S. added the "Friggin'" to his name!

this is known as "T-Rex's Law" only if you check Wikipedia it'll credit it to the real-life Professor J. E. Littlewood of Cambridge University instead of a fictional character which PROBABLY is fair

T-Rex: So let's say a miracle is something really special - a literal one in a million chance! T-Rex: And let's say, conservatively, that we're awake eight hours a day! T-Rex: And let's go on being conservative and say that only one event happens around us per second! Dromiceiomimus: One event? T-Rex: Sure! Like, right now, talking to me is an event. You're looking at me and standing during this event. Events happen CONSTANTLY, but we'll be good and reduce them to one per second. Utahraptor: So eight hours is... 28,800 seconds, right? T-Rex: Sure, yeah! Probably! Utahraptor: And that means we'll have a million events in 34.7 days. Which means you can expect to see a one-in-a-million chance about once a month! T-Rex: EXACTLY. Miracles are commonplace! Improbable things happen, and given enough chances, even way super unlikely things will happen for sure! Narrator: AT THIS EXACT MOMENT, A COIN FLIP HAS LANDED NOT HEAD OR TAILS, BUT PERFECTLY BALANCED ON ITS SIDE. HOWEVER, NOBODY HERE SAW IT HAPPEN: T-Rex: Anyway! T-Rex (punchline): That's all I had to say, I think I'm going back to bed now

people as impressionable as he should be careful what they read

T-Rex: This marriage has gotten me thinking about monogamy. T-Rex: I did some research! T-Rex: I found a book called "The Ethical Slut"! T-Rex: Basically it gives advice for having loving polygamous relationships. A lot of it makes sense! Like say your girlfriend has a best friend, and they go out one night. You're happy for her, right? You love her, you want her to be happy. So why should that change when you add sex to it? T-Rex: The book also posits that an artificial 'economy of scarcity' in sex leads to jealousy and possessiveness. Utahraptor: You're saying that because sex is 'rare', it has increased value, and is therefore treasured unreasonably? T-Rex: Yeah! T-Rex: That's what the book says, anyway. It's not anti-monogamy, but it is pro-polygamy. Utahraptor: But don't you find that these things don't work in real life? I know I want my partner to be happy, but I also want all of his or her kisses. T-Rex: Artificial economy of scarcity, my friend! Like diamonds! Off panel: Why are you so interested in this, anyway? T-Rex (punchline): Who knows!

furthermore, this is a problem that many elements of the media seem to share

T-Rex: You know what's awesome? When there's a story on the news, and then they go to people "on the street" for their reactions to the story! T-Rex: Wait, did I say "awesome"?! I meant "HOLY COW, SO TERRIBLE!" T-Rex: They're stopping the flow of information to literally ask RANDOM STRANGERS what they think. The only way it'd be acceptable is if they prefaced these stupid segments with "and now, here's what some strange folks on their way to do something better had to say!" but THEY NEVER DO. Utahraptor: It's not that bad, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's SO BAD. T-Rex: It's not even scientific, because it's not close to a representative sample. It's just noise! From now on, whenever the news does this, I'm going to take it as saying "We don't care about facts, just about burning through your finite lifespan! Hey, here's some guy who'd talk to us." Utahraptor: Okay Narrator: LATER: Off panel: And now, here's what the people outside our studio have been saying. T-Rex: Attention, news networks!! T-Rex (punchline): I'm beginning to think you don't take my proclamations at all seriously.

shakespeare you should have quotes around 'chicken' in that last line, shakespeare, what the hell

T-Rex: Allusion is a reference to a person, place, or thing in a piece of literature! Like when Picard mentions Moby Dick in Star Trek: First Contact? Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: Narrator: ALLUSION T-Rex: Allusions are pretty handy because they allow you to summarize potentially complex ideas with one succinct reference, essentially piggybacking on the brilliance of previously established works! HOWEVER, if the audience isn't familiar with the reference, the allusion fails and can seem weird or out-of-place. Dromiceiomimus: Just like Oliver Brackenbury!! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah hah! Utahraptor: You sure have been summarizing literary techniques a lot lately! T-Rex: Sure have!! Utahraptor: Well - what's going on in your life beyond that? What's new? What's shakin' with the dude? T-Rex: Um - I kinda realized that I'd like to have children one day? But I need to have a girlfriend for that first. Utahraptor: Aren't you and Dromi...? Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! T-Rex: Shakespeare, you should write a story where elephants get to be our pals! Off panel: i'm working on macbeth OKAY T-REX T-Rex (punchline): What's the matter, William? TOO CHICKEN TO WORK IT IN?? Off panel: nobody calls me chicken

man, t-rex, all of this amazing technology has made you a bit of a jerk!! is there an invention to fix that? there is? ah.

T-Rex: Okay, so let's say I slide down a banister! I'm awesome. Now let's say I slide down the handrail of an upwards-moving escalator. You guys! T-Rex: I'm even more awesome!! T-Rex: And NOW let's say the escalator is long enough and smart enough that it increases its speed so that I never reach the bottom, and as my sliding speeds up, the escalator speeds up! I can now be EXTREMELY AWESOME FOREVER! Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure that's the case! Plus, friction would eventually make your butt catch on fire. T-Rex: What?! T-Rex: Can that actually happen? Utahraptor: Everything burns, T-Rex! T-Rex: EVEN BUMS? Utahraptor: ESPECIALLY BUMS, when they're acting as a friction brake. I thought we covered this with your "infinite skateboard" idea? T-Rex: I guess I'd hoped that by shifting the technology to escalators, the awesomeness might somehow - you know... T-Rex: ...break science. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE SCIENCE BREAKS IF SOMETHING'S AWESOME ENOUGH: Off panel: Wow, personal jetpacks are so compact, efficient, safe AND easy to control!! T-Rex: Um obviously I already know that! We live in the same universe!! T-Rex (punchline): DUHHHHH

MY GOODNESS, WHAT A SATISFYING COMIC

Narrator: COMPRESSED CLASSIC SCIENCE FICTION SHORT STORIES Narrator: today's story: Narrator: THE LAST QUESTION by ISAAC ASIMOV T-Rex: Okay in this story I'm a computer called Multivac! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, ask me if there will ever be a way to stop the sun from running down. Ask me if there will ever be a way to prevent the entire Universe from cooling down and dying. Ask me if entropy can ever be reversed. Dromiceiomimus: Will there ever be a way to do that? T-Rex: Insufficient data for meaningful answer! T-Rex: Okay Utahraptor, now it's centuries later and you ask me the same thing. Utahraptor: Okay, how do I reverse entropy? T-Rex: Insufficient data for meaningful answer! Okay so trillions of years have gone by and we've spread across the universe and I've gotten more and more advanced. Soon all life merges with me and your question is the only one I could never answer. I spend timeless intervals pondering it, okay? Utahraptor: Okay. T-Rex (punchline): Actually I'm not going to spoil the ending!

it's true! wikipidia will cheerfully tell you santa isn't real. here's a question "the media" won't ask: WHY DOES WIKIPEDIA HATE CHRISTMAS??

Narrator: WIKIPEDIA HAS BECOME A REAL PERSON! T-Rex: Yes, I don't know how it happened but it's true! Wikipedia is a woman now. T-Rex: And she's super smart, too! T-Rex: You ask her about frogs, and bam! She knows ALL ABOUT THEM. And then you ask her about trains, and she's all, "Did you mean the band? The album? THE BAVARIAN VILLAGE??" and I'm like, "All of them, I guess!" It's great. It's kinda like dating God! Dromiceiomimus: I - you're dating her? Narrator: BUT SOON: Utahraptor: So hey, how are things going with that Wikipedia lady? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Awful!! T-Rex: We were in bed and I kissed her, and I asked her about herself, right? To set the mood? And she swore at me, but then she took it back, and then she yelled "HITLER WAS RIGHT", but then she took it back, and then she showed me a picture of a wiener, but then I said "You know what I think I'm done asking about you." T-Rex (punchline): Later I asked her about Christmas and she told me Santa wasn't real

ooooh, i think somebody still wants to be king!

T-Rex: Okay, so I've made a few runs at it and have never actually been able to travel back in time. This I concede easily! I totally dropped the time ball. T-Rex: But baby, I've got a good feeling about today! Dromiceiomimus: Aw T-Rex, why do you want to go back in time so much anyway? You've already been in the past; you know what it's like! T-Rex: My own life doesn't count, and besides I could go back in time and CHANGE things! Like your breakfast today: wasn't it delicious? Don't you wish you could have had that breakfast YESTERDAY? T-Rex: Mmm? Utahraptor: Man, even if you were successful, I can just tell you'd screw up my timeline on me! T-Rex: I would not!! T-Rex: Besides, it's not YOUR timeline. It's EVERYONE's timeline. We have to share it. Utahraptor: Well, you should take me with you, so I can keep you out of trouble. T-Rex: Fine! FINE. I'll take everyone back in time with me. WHY NOT. HOW HARD WOULD IT BE TO TAKE EVERYONE BACK IN TIME. Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex (punchline): IT WAS ACTUALLY NOT THAT HARD.

guys that line ALWAYS WORKS

T-Rex: IN CONCLUSION, anachronism, anthropomorphism and allusion are the only three literary techniques! There aren't any others. Okay there were some others but they died. Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: Narrator: ALL THE REST Dromiceiomimus: But what about foreshadowing? Denouement? SYNECDOCHE? T-Rex: All dead! Today's readers yawn in the face of foreshadowing! They wince when seeing ANY events that occur after the climax! They throw up a little when a part is used to represent the whole! You can tell when that's happened because you'll go to the library and hear "Synecdoche?! bleggh" Utahraptor: That's ridiculous! People use synecdoche all the time. T-Rex: People throw up all the time too! T-Rex: COINCIDENCE, UTAHRAPTOR?? Or something more? Utahraptor: You're seriously saying that specific writing techniques can reliably induce a physiological reaction. T-Rex: I GUESS I AM. Let me just check with an actual doctor real quick though. Narrator: NEXT WEEK: T-REX MEETS THE MOST ATTRACTIVE MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL EVER IN TIME! T-Rex: Can you check my eyes next, Doctor? Off panel: Why? T-Rex (punchline): I think there's something wrong with my pupils - since they've turned into cartoon hearts!!

for instance, in a book if the main character dies you can't go back and re-read the last few pages over and over again for like two hours trying to get him to survive, before finally throwing the book away in disgust because that last page is friggin impossible

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED PLAYING A RAIL SHOOTER VIDEO GAME Devil: IN MY OPINION THEY ARE A COMPELLING FORM OF ELECTRONIC ENTERTAINMENT T-Rex: I have not. Okay?! Let's talk about something else! Devil: IN SUCH GAMES THE COMPUTER CONTROLS YOUR MOVEMENT BUT YOU CONTROL THE SHOOTING OF YOUR ENEMIES AS THEY APPEAR ON SCREEN Devil: I BELIEVE IT TO BE A CONSTRAINED GAMING EXPERIENCE BUT IN A SENSE A MORE CINEMATIC ONE THAT RAISES THE ISSUE OF WHAT VIDEO GAMES SHOULD BE T-Rex: Aw man! FINE, I'll ask. Video games should be video games, shouldn't they? Devil: SOME SUGGEST THAT VIDEO GAMES SHOULD TELL STORIES LIKE FILMS OR BOOKS T-Rex: Well, I don't. Utahraptor: Don't what? T-Rex: Don't believe that video games can be judged by the same standards as films. It's the Devil again. I think he's trying to convince me to play a video game with him where you don't get to move. Utahraptor: Sounds like fun! T-Rex: Right. Devil: IF YOU ARE UNINTERESTED IN HEARING MY TREATISE ON COMPUTER CONTROLLED STORYTELLING I WILL FIND A MORE RECEPTIVE AUDIENCE T-Rex (punchline): Please do!! Devil: BUT I CAUTION YOU Devil: I WAS QUITE CLOSE TO REVEALING RARE AND POWERFUL CHEAT CODES

it is like the number one condition of me letting you use my bed

Narrator: EPISTEMOLOGY COMICS T-Rex: If I say "Guys, I know I'm rad", what am I saying? What does it actually mean to KNOW something? Philosophers have struggled with this for ages! T-Rex: Luckily the answer is super easy and they should have come up with it sooner! T-Rex: Knowledge of anything, radness included, comes about if three conditions are met: that this thing is true, that I believe it to be true, and that I have a JUSTIFIED cause for this belief! Perhaps my justification of radness is that I've been shot out of a cannon onto a motorbike, which is extremely rad. When these three conditions are met, then I've got what's called a Justified True Belief, and that, my friends, is what knowledge is! Utahraptor: Okay, so we're hanging out, and I say "T-Rex, I'm gonna go nap in your bed." T-Rex: I say, "Dude, feel free!" Utahraptor: However, once in your room I startle a sleepy murderer, who without alarming you, quietly murders me, stuffs me in the closet, and then goes back to nappy times - in your bed!! A few minutes later you say "Nice. An orange dude is sleeping in my bed". Clearly, this is justified, and it may even be true. Off panel: But only if the murderer was orange! Don't you see? It's sheer luck that this murderer was coloured to make your belief true. Are you really going to call random chance "knowledge"? T-Rex: Utahraptor!! T-Rex (punchline): Please don't get murdered in my bedroom, Utahraptor

mee too

T-Rex: I have finally decided to add another word to my List of Favourite Words! T-Rex: The word? T-Rex: Sesquipedalian! T-Rex: The reason this word is so great is that it means "given to the overuse of long words" and it itself is a long word! T-Rex: I can't get enough! Utahraptor: So - what? You enjoy the irony of the word, T-Rex? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: Is that alright? Utahraptor: Sure! It's great! T-Rex: Alright then! Utahraptor: Super! T-Rex: Fantastic! Utahraptor: Well then! T-Rex (punchline): I'm glad we had this little talk!

if you'd like to see more of t-rex's ''tuggy the tugboat tugs... in space'', i invite you to imagine a non-anthropomorphized tugboat tugging an asteroid... IN SPACE.

T-Rex: Okay! I am going to write a story and it will be something BRAND NEW. It will be the most staggeringly original story ever. It will feature action and characters that COULD NEVER HAVE BEEN CONCEIVED BY ANYONE BUT ME. Narrator: T-REX AND HIS STORY, "TUGGY THE TUGBOAT TUGS... IN SPACE" Dromiceiomimus: Don't people say that there's only 10 or so stories, and all narratives are just variations on these themes? T-Rex: I call shenanigans on that!! What are these 10 basic stories then? Dromiceiomimus: Um, okay - boy meets girl, girl meets boy, boy meets boy, girl meets girl, boy meets... plant... T-Rex: THAT ONE IS NOT A REAL STORY. Utahraptor: I think what Dromiceiomimus is saying is that there are forms! T-Rex: Ridiculous! T-Rex: All that means is that if you boil the story down to its most superficial aspect then, YEAH, you can connect it to "Terminator II". But then you might as well treat EVERY story as a sequel, prequel, or rewrite of "Terminator II"! Utahraptor: I might as well! Narrator: SOON: Off panel: Hamlet is Shakespeare's most disappointing Terminator sequel yet. T-Rex (punchline): It's an okay story, but as a Terminator sequel, it profoundly disappoints on every conceivable level!

it's sort of the opposite of ''if this isn't nice, what is?''. whenever you find yourself doing something particularly unattractive, take a moment to notice it and say, ''man! even I'D dump me right now!''

T-Rex: It occurs to me that I've never written a love poem! I'm a romantic guy - how hard could it be? I can probably conjure up unfathomable depths of soul-felt romantic emotion like THAT. For instance, here is "I just got kissed... on the lips!" T-Rex: [small] Woo! T-Rex: Okay, okay, check this out, Dromiceiomimus: "You are so beautiful to me, and I want to tell you just how much I love you / I was born to love you / Let's never stop falling in love / Love hurts / But / I would do anything for love". Dromiceiomimus: Those are all plagiarized song lyrics! Except for "but", but there's probably a song called "But". T-Rex: Okay! Okay, try two! Utahraptor: Less plagiarism this time! T-Rex: "Tainted Love / Ohh / Tainted Love / Also, Baby Love" Utahraptor: That's terrible! If I was your girlfriend I would break up with you just for that poem. Also, it's still plagiarized. T-Rex: Utahraptor, I am the worst at love poems. T-Rex: Okay, I'm trying really hard this time. T-Rex: "Baby! / I love you / And if you don't believe that / then What The Hell" T-Rex (punchline): Man! Even I'D dump me right now!

hey, it's me, i'm downstairs. the world's ending. i brought cookies.

T-Rex: Is there any motivation that can't be reduced to self-interest? Absolutely! For example, I might give to charity: charity is the opposite of greed! God: MAYBE YOU'RE JUST DOING THAT TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF T-Rex: Dang! T-Rex: And if I do it anonymously, that still lets ME feel good about myself. Alright, what if I rescue someone from drowning? And I hate the person, so I don't feel good about saving them! Dromiceiomimus: But others will still know you saved someone, hero, and you might reason that saving this jerk will make them less jerky to you: self-interest again. T-Rex: DAAAANG!! T-Rex: Darn it! Is everything we do ultimately reduced to greed? Utahraptor: What about LOVE? T-Rex: No go: you expect it to make you feel good, so you could be doing it out of SECRET GREED. What if you and I are the last people left, and I give you a real nice cookie WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY cutting off my own head with giant scissors? That's kindness without good things coming to me, therefore there's no self-interest! Off panel: Well, I'd enjoy the cookie and remember you fondly, so there's still self-benefit. Really, all you've done is found a way to escape a hellish post-apocalyptic environment through baking. T-Rex (punchline): My friend, I believe that counts for something!!

rejected candidates: dog from another bog, aunt from another plant, friend from another rear end

T-Rex: He's my brother from another mother! T-Rex: She's my sister from another mister! T-Rex: She's my wife from another life! Dromiceiomimus: She's my fiancée from some other day! T-Rex: "SORRY BABY, YOU KNEW THE RISKS INVOLVED IN FALLING FOR A GUY WHO AVERAGES ONE FIANCÉE A DAY" Utahraptor: He's my twin from another skin! Utahraptor: No wait, from another kin! T-Rex: She's my niece from another Maurice! That one works if you know two Maurices, with nieces. Utahraptor: I don't know any. I mean, I know a guy some people call Maurice, but I'm not one of them. T-Rex (punchline): What do you call him? Utahraptor: I call him "Spencer" because that's his name. Narrator: THE END

woohoo

T-Rex: It's my favourite season: T-Rex: Spring! T-Rex: In spring you get flowers popping up, new fresh air, young lovers walking hand-in-hand... T-Rex: It's all very pretty! Utahraptor: Do I detect a note of melancholy in your voice? T-Rex: Perhaps! T-Rex: It's just like - I wish I were part of that young couple walking hand-in-hand, you know? Utahraptor: I do! Sometimes, I feel like my youth is slipping away from me, like I should be doing more... T-Rex: Yeah... T-Rex (punchline): Anyway, who cares? It's spring!

it's not even a cool inflatable animal pool ring, it's like - a common brown squirrel inflatable animal pool ring

T-Rex: Hello, recipient of this card! I am your friend, so this is me pulling you aside and whispering into your ear. Narrator: YOU ARE TOTALLY WRONG Narrator: a web card T-Rex: It's okay. Some of us were born wrong, some achieve wrongness, and some have wrongness thrust upon 'em. You are maybe all three? Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, it's hard to tell but I think you might've been wrong even as a baby. T-Rex: You were a wrong baby who grew up wrong. The wrong kind of wrong. It's better you hear it from a friend. T-Rex: But we're your friends and we love you! Utahraptor: YES! We love you. Utahraptor: We love you even though we're at this fancy dinner party for all the correct people, and all the correct people are there, and you've shown up wearing an inflatable animal pool ring around your waist. This is a metaphor. T-Rex: ...This might not be a metaphor. Utahraptor: Oh god. T-Rex: Okay, good chat, recipient of this card! We're still pals, right? T-Rex: Okay! Remember that if you think we're not pals anymore you are only compounding your wrongness! T-Rex (punchline): Peace!

"welp" is like when you say "well", but with that bit of a cut-off at the end as you press your lips together. i wish there was a better way to write that word, you'd know it if you heard it, it's an UNRELEASED VOICELESS BILABIAL PLOSIVE

T-Rex: Some people have their obituaries published early, and then they get to read their own obituaries. Attention: obituary editors! T-Rex: I AM TOTALLY INTO THIS. T-Rex: I'd love to see what society thinks of me, how they sum up all my achievements, what words they finally choose to best describe my well-muscled and yet sexually alluring frame! Newspapers, please feel free to publish mine tomorrow! I SERIOUSLY PROMISE NOT TO MIND. Dromiceiomimus: I'm pretty sure papers only have obits pre-written for famous people. T-Rex: ...What? Utahraptor: Yeah, when an obituary gets run prematurely, it's always for someone famous! T-Rex: Man, that DOES make sense! T-Rex: As a kid I thought newspapers kept obits for EVERYONE, updating them throughout their lives! They were like Santa, keeping track of us, drawing narrative threads together! I'd just never critically evaluated that belief as an adult. Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: YES, REALLY. T-Rex: Welp, I guess childhood is over for me! Off panel: You still have Batman pillowcases on your bed, T-Rex. T-Rex (punchline): Welp, I guess childhood continues unabated for me!

can t-rex grow hair or can't he? are you ready to get inspired? i hope so because the answer is ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH THE POWER OF DREAMS!!!!

T-Rex: Mammals have it pretty great! I gotta admit: I'm kinda jealous of them sometimes! T-Rex: What with all their hair and whatnot! Dromiceiomimus: You're seriously jealous of mammals, T-Rex? T-Rex: Just their body hair, Dromiceiomimus! Not only can they style it so that one mammal can look totally different from another mammal, but it's gotta be the most amazing way to lose weight. If you're too fat: no problem! Just squeeze out some hair and cut it off. Instant weight loss! Utahraptor: I'm not sure hair works that way. T-Rex: Come on. You know PROBABLY it does. T-Rex: The only place that the energy and matter needed to produce body hair can come from is through food! Bottom line: that's a VIABLE WEIGHT-LOSS VECTOR that I simply don't have. Utahraptor: But you've got fingernails, right? T-Rex: Holy crap! I DO Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I cut off my fingernails, but they were only a few grams and took weeks to grow back! It also didn't help that I chewed them up into a crunchy paste before I swallowed them though. T-Rex (punchline): Okay I need to start keeping some thoughts to myself, like, ASAP

mentally substitute any one of these names whenever someone talks about "mother nature" and it will feel like you're living in BIZARRO WORLD. better yet, just do the search and replace in their speaker notes for them!

T-Rex: Folks say things like "Apples are a delicious gift from Mother Nature", or talk about how we can use things in the way Mother Nature intended. T-Rex: That's WEIRD, you guys! T-Rex: We have this "Mother Nature" metaphor that we all share but rarely consider critically, and it has all these connotations that are sublimated into our lives and thinking! It suggests the planet tries to care for us as a mother would, sure, but it also suggests that plants and animals are provided by this mother with the intent of our nourishment, and that nature can carry parental authority! T-Rex: I say we adopt some new metaphors, cats and kittens!! Utahraptor: Like what? "Father B. Planet"? T-Rex: No, that's the worst name I've ever heard. T-Rex: I was thinking more like Brother Entropy or Uncle Everybodydies! You know? "Apples are a delicious gift from Aunt Thestrongwilleattheweak." Utahraptor: "Let's restore the beach to the way Sister Therearediseasesyoucantevensee intended." T-Rex (punchline): "Climate change hurts Cousin Theplanetwontnoticeifwealldietomorrow"!

99% certain this question has not actually been seriously considered until now

T-Rex: In the Garden of Eden story, Adam and Eve eat an apple from the tree of knowledge and then they're kicked out of paradise and THE AMAZING ADVENTURE OF NOT LIVING IN A GARDEN BEGINS. T-Rex: Not in my version, peeps! T-Rex: In MY version, this isn't an allegory or anything. Instead, it's an ALTERNATE HISTORY where Adam and Eve decided not to eat the apple! The entire book of Genesis grinds to a halt at the point where Eve says "Dudes, turns out I'm NOT hungry!" Dromiceiomimus: Then what happens? T-Rex: THEN they cordon off the tree of knowledge to prevent any future mistakes, finally burying it in concrete Chernobyl-style! Utahraptor: But where'd they get concrete? That's a technology. T-Rex: They invented it! T-Rex: They've got nothing else to do there all day, so they invented concrete. Utahraptor: So in your story, Adam and Eve hang out in paradise, alone, inventing concrete. T-Rex: YES. It is an amazing tale! T-Rex: I call it "What If Early Abrahamic Religions Had Not Been Concerned With The Origin of Sin, But Instead, Contained A Viable Recipe For Concrete". T-Rex (punchline): WHAT IF, Utahraptor??

t-rex is worried he's not developing filmicly as he should

T-Rex: It's so hot out today! So hot! Narrator: HOLY IT'S HOT COMICS T-Rex: So hot!! Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex, do you want to go see a movie with me? T-Rex: To escape the heat! Dromiceiomimus: Yeah! T-Rex: Yes! I've always wanted to do that. For some reason, I've always wanted to be one of those people who does that! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, want to go see a movie with me? T-Rex: Aww, sorry, I just saw one! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus and I went to escape the heat! Utahraptor: How was it? T-Rex: Ridiculous! The movie needed way more EXPLOSIONS. T-Rex: Saying "the movie needed more explosions" is my polite way to suggest that the film was a romantic comedy, by the way! Off panel: I got that, thanks! T-Rex: I find that most movies need way more explosions though. T-Rex (punchline): You know?

are these snapshots of two separate conversations between t-rex and dromiceiomimus and between t-rex and utahraptor, or did dromiceiomimus somehow turn into utahraptor between panels?? the answer, my friend, depends on how good you are at filling in missing information in creative works

T-Rex: I've written the best book ever for reals this time, and I know this for certain because it's got a title NOBODY can resist. Book cover: [uses a Back To The Future font effect and other effects] HOW TO BUILD A TIME MACHING even if you're a TEEN T-Rex: It's not actually about building a time machine though, even if you're teens. It's a collection of original short fiction where all the stories have this same dog that keeps showing up in the background! That title tested better with the teens is all. Dromiceiomimus: So what were you going to call it originally? Book cover: let me be the first to say [larger red font] sheeeeeeeesh [end larger red font] what is that dog's DEAL Book cover: a super excellent purchase! Utahraptor: Aw, I like how you were gonna to put me on the cover! T-Rex (punchline): Yeah, I figured, maybe pals are in this season? But if both those covers fail I've got Fallback Plan Omega, which involves 100% GUARANTEED sales. Book cover: [large bold font, partially obscuring T-Rex's picture] What If Everybody Else Was Faking Happiness Too? It Would Be Impossible To Tell. Book cover: [smaller bold italics] Wait, no, that's super depressing. Listen, does ANYONE know how to delete words on a computer where the backspace key is FRIGGIN' BROKEN??

they could talk about their feelings

T-Rex: I had the strangest dream last night... T-Rex: It was crazy! T-Rex: Or at least, I think it was crazy. I don't remember much of the dream: all I remember is waking up and thinking "Wow, what a crazy dream!" T-Rex: I wonder what could have happened? T-Rex: Oh well! Utahraptor: That's it? That's all you have to say? T-Rex: What? It's all I remember! Utahraptor: Well, there's not really much for us to talk about, is there? You had a dream that may have been crazy, but you don't remember it. Utahraptor: Whoo! Let's get this conversation started! T-Rex: Well, what are YOU doing here, if we have nothing to talk about? T-Rex (punchline): Yeah, that's what I thought!

"life hack" is the new "pro tip" is the new "gosh you should really know this already"

Narrator: LET'S ALL LEARN ABOUT CATS T-Rex: Okay! The first cat was named "Carty McCat"! Narrator: LET'S ALL LEARN TRUE FACTS ABOUT CATS T-Rex: Aww maaaaan! T-Rex: FINE. Cats evolved from protocats, probably. I dunno. I bet we domesticated cats because we liked them and found them convenient. You can catch diseases from cats. You can catch diseases from anything. LIFE HACK: Don't lick anything you don't want to get sick from! T-Rex: That includes subway poles!! Utahraptor: You don't seem to be that big into these cat facts, my friend! T-Rex: I honestly don't know much about cats! T-Rex: I could tell you some dog facts that would BLOW YOUR MIND, but when it comes to cat facts, I don't really - know... any? Utahraptor: Cats are the most popular pet in the world and a group of cats is called a clowder. T-Rex: Thank you. Utahraptor, ladies and gentlemen! God: HERE'S A CAT FACT T-REX YOU CAN'T SPELL "FACTS" WITHOUT JUMBLING UP THE LETTERS IN "CATS" God: OH AND WITHOUT THROWING AN "F" INTO THE MIX TOO OF COURSE T-Rex (punchline): Thank you. THE CREATOR OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, ladies and gentlemen

when they are old, the two "stories for women" protagonists shake hands and agree that yes, communication was always key in their relationship.

T-Rex: My stories for men were a huge success - but I've excluded half of my potential market! Narrator: STORIES FOR WOMEN T-Rex: I've got a great idea, Dromiceiomimus: stories for women! Stories with FEELINGS. Stories where someone sighs deeply while looking at a photograph of someone else! In the photograph that someone else is ALSO sighing deeply. Dromiceiomimus: That's what you think women want? Seriously? T-Rex: Ha ha, of course not! This was just a hilarious test. Um. Utahraptor: Okay, so let's hear your real "stories for women" then! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: NO PROBLEM. T-Rex: Two attractive people meet and fall in love. Then they take baths and hug. Utahraptor: Hah hah hah! "Take baths and hug"? T-Rex: IT'S WHAT WOMEN WANT Narrator: THAT EVENING, TAKING A SHOWER: T-Rex: [thinks] Man, if this were a bath, and there was a woman here, and I was hugging her? T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] I'd be totally set!

"always be healthy - um, somehow."

Narrator: SIMPLE WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE T-Rex: Here are some simple ways to improve your life! T-Rex: ...Don't die? Narrator: THE END Utahraptor: That really wasn't that helpful, T-Rex! T-Rex: I know, I know! T-Rex: But I don't HAVE any simple ways to improve lives! Try being lucky? Don't make bad decisions if you're about to do that? Always be healthy - um, somehow? Maybe don't be a crazy racist? Utahraptor: That one's not bad! T-Rex: EXCELLENT. Narrator: LATER: Off panel: T-Rex, I feel like my life could be improved. Are there any ways I can improve it? T-Rex (punchline): Maybe you should stop being such a CRAZY RACIST?? Off panel: Yeah Off panel: People SAY that

this one goes out to all the brothers and mothers who have come up with ideas that can only make the world a worse place. hey, here's to not implementing them!

T-Rex: I have come up with the worst idea ever, and it's so simple. All you have to do is combine online gambling with online role playing games! T-Rex: The result will be a game to RUIN LIVES! T-Rex: MMORPGs are already really popular and addictive - some people play them upwards of eight hours a day. Throw in a casino where you can not only win REAL money but also rare in-game items and experience points, and you've merged two addictions into one, feeding them into each other! It'll be a terribly effective way to make profits from those with addictive personalities. Utahraptor: So people can bet in-game money to win real-life money? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: You'd allow bets like that, but balance it so, overall, you don't end up losing real money. The more you gamble, the better stats your characters get, and the more you play, the more chances you have to win in the casino. Both addictions encourage the other! Utahraptor: It really is an awful idea, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh, I've got other awful ideas too! Like, a toy gun for children, but every one in twenty shots (on average) it actually fires a real bullet! T-Rex: That's a horrific idea! T-Rex (punchline): What is wrong with me?

hey t-rex's last line is one we've all said before, right fellas?

T-Rex: Here is a terrible idea for a date: you take the lady to a stinky old sewage processing plant and then tour the facilities! You could be all, "Sorry, potential lifemate!! I'm a dude who makes bad date decisions." Narrator: T-REX AND FRIENDS IN: "DATES" Dromiceiomimus: I bet most sewage processing plants are actually cool and don't really smell like poops, T-Rex! It would probably end up being a pretty good AND informative date. How does waste reclamation work anyway? T-Rex: Huh! I don't know, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: It is essentially awesome, my friend! T-Rex: Oh yeah? Utahraptor: Yeah! A combination of physical (letting the heavy bits settle), biological, and chemical means are often used. Sometimes they even create artificial swamps to attract animals that aid in the waste reclamation process! T-Rex: Neat! Narrator: LATER, A DATE TO A WASTE RECLAMATION FACILITY! Off panel: You are so charming, T-Rex! And I LOVE learning about waste reclamation! Off panel: I feel the same way, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Wow, you are one appreciative date, and YOU are one surprisingly amorous tour guide!!

who you gonna call

T-Rex: One day Jim Rifle wanted to shoot some game birds, so he invented the rifle, and decided to name his new rifle the "rifle"! T-Rex: It was a busy day for Jim Rifle! T-Rex: Unfortunately for him, whenever a bird got shot by his rifle, the ghost of that bird came back to haunt him. Soon he was bothered by hundreds of birdghosts who all wanted revenge, which was understandable, since he shot 'em. Dromiceiomimus: Jim Rifle is having a complicated time! T-Rex: He sure is! T-Rex: So to fix his problem, he invented a new rifle that shot ghosts! Utahraptor: That was easy! T-Rex: Sure, but it turns out that getting ghost-shot just pushed the birds into level 2 ghosthood, upping their interest in revenge geometrically. Also, they developed arms and a crude form of speech. Utahraptor: Horrifying. T-Rex: That's why Jim shot the level 2 ghosts some more! T-Rex: Turns out the level 3s were basically well-adjusted people, and level 4 bird ghosts were beings of enlightened truth whose merest glance drew tears of joy. THE END. The moral of the story is, I'm not really sure how guns work? T-Rex (punchline): Or, like, stories?

not mine though; we're good

Narrator: T-REX AND DROMICEIOMIMUS PARTIED EXTREMELY HARD LAST NIGHT. T-Rex: It was the best party ever in time!! T-Rex: ...Well, in my experience, anyway! T-Rex: Do you think it's possible that throughout ALL TIME there's been or will be a better party, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Well, it WAS a good party, but are we including all space as well as all time? We'd have to have partied harder than anyone, EVER, WHENEVER, throughout the entire universe at any point in any timeline. That's a tall order! Dromiceiomimus and T-Rex: To be fair, though, it WAS a good party. Utahraptor: So if you did have the best party in time, then all other parties are worse from here on out! THANKS, T-REX. T-Rex: Dude! T-Rex: Don't blame me for having the best party, THANK me that you didn't experience it, because now you won't be disappointed with all future parties! This heavy burden must be borne by me and Dromiceiomimus alone. T-Rex: Okay. T-Rex: This may be a bad time to say this but it was a super great party, Utahraptor. T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): Why are you leaving in mid conversation; many cultures consider that RUDE?

ants have been around since the cretaceous and have colonized just about the entire planet. in many ways they are the most successful insect family ever. if you feed cornmeal to an ant it will expand inside their bodies when they drink water, killing them from the inside out.

T-Rex: Oh no, is that a vampire outside your house? Oh crap, what was that rad advice T-Rex gave you?? Wow, I bet NOW that it's too late you really wish you paid attention during Narrator: HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST SUPERNATURAL CREATURES Narrator: GHOSTS: T-Rex: Ghosts are incorporeal and thus pose no threat at all. You should of course be aware of how the ghost of every mosquito, spider, cockroach, and poo bug you ever killed is crawling on your face right now. But don't worry! They're ghosts! Does it REALLY matter that they're all piled on top of your eyes, pushing their way in?? Narrator: VAMPIRES: T-Rex: Just don't have any blood inside you UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Utahraptor: Easy peasy!! Narrator: WEREWOLVES: T-Rex: Like all canids, werewolves can be trained with operant conditioning, or "clicker training". Rather than punishing bad behavior, reinforce your lycanthrope's desirable behavior at the moment it happens with a click and a treat! Utahraptor: Neat! Narrator: ANTS: T-Rex: Ants live in colonies where every ant has a special role, like "soldier", "worker" or "queen"! Amazingly, ants make up almost 25% of all biomass on the planet! T-Rex (punchline): Ants can be easily defeated by stepping on them. Narrator: THE END

i do however speak beard, and yours my friend says pure class

T-Rex: Ancients pondered for years about which came first: the chicken or the egg? T-Rex: Um, guys! T-Rex: Clearly the egg came first!! T-Rex: There were egg-laying animals before chickens, so it's really not that mind-bending a conclusion. One example is, I don't know... YOUR MOM?? Dromiceiomimus: While she does not predate chickens, my mother has laid eggs, yes. T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Mine too Utahraptor: Okay, so what came first, the chicken or the CHICKEN egg? T-Rex: Depends on what a chicken egg is! T-Rex: If it's an egg laid BY a chicken, then by definition the chicken came first. But if it's an egg that will hatch INTO a chicken, then that can easily be laid by a non-chicken, so eggs win again! EVOLUTION, BABY. Utahraptor: I guess it's settled then! T-Rex: I GUESS IT IS. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN ANCIENT GREECE: T-Rex: Aristotle! Stop wasting your time wondering whether chickens or eggs came first! Off panel: πείσομαι T-Rex: Aristotle! T-Rex (punchline): I DON'T SPEAK GREEK

actually the idea of selling and advertising air is awful and nightmarish NOBODY DO THAT OKAY

T-Rex: I'd definitely be WAY more into concrete if they named it LIQUID ROCK. Sheesh. T-Rex: "Tired of not having rocks shaped like chairs or whatever? TRY LIQUID ROCK, IT CURES HARD." T-Rex: I'd be more into water if they called it JAZZY JUIZ, and I'd be way big into air if they called it DEATH-B-GONE GAS. It's such a good name!! T-Rex: "Without our gas, death by suffocation is just a few terrifying seconds away! But you can extend your life for up to a century... with a constant intake of Death-B-Gone!" T-Rex: And I'd be more into taxes if they called them... THE PRICE WE PAY FOR CIVILIZATION. Utahraptor: They do call them that! T-Rex: Well, rad, but they should put that on the forms. "This apple costs $1 plus 15 cents to keep civilization here. Those extra cents are for keeping murderers in jail!! Dude, nicely done! You did us a solid!" Utahraptor: "These cents are for libraries! Read a book why don't you??" T-Rex: Yay libraries!! Banner: LIBRARIES: We Also Rent Movies Now Too T-Rex (punchline): yesssss

every time i accidentally crush an egg while trying to take it out of the carton, i feel a deep kinship with superman

God: T-REX DO YOU WANT TO HAVE ALL THE POWERS OF SUPERMAN T-Rex: Hah! Nooooo thanks! T-Rex: I already know how it is! T-Rex: TERRIFYINGLY AWFUL. T-Rex: Great, you're so fast and so strong that you alone are capable of preventing - anything! EVERYTHING. And great, your senses are acute enough that you're super-aware, too! Which means that when something bad happens WORLDWIDE, you know about it and you know only you can stop it. Is that mugging worth flying around the world for? What about that murder? Which simultaneous murder on opposite sides of the planet is more important, Superman?? Utahraptor: Well, at some point the man has to make a choice! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: And in the face of those awful and constant and endless life-or-death ethical decisions, what does he do? HOLD DOWN A JOB, and FLIRT WITH HIS COWORKER. Oh sorry, person being stabbed in the face! Superman's on a date with a human woman right now! He thinks that's more important. God: BUT T-REX YOU GET TO FLY IN SPACE WHERE THERE'S NO SOUND T-Rex: Oh geez I forgot that part! T-Rex (punchline): Okay, yeah, sign me UP brotimes!!

horse barbie is a barbie who has been turned into a horse

Narrator: STORIES FOR KIDS T-Rex: This one's easy! T-Rex: That's because kids are EASILY ENTERTAINED. They just want bright colours that flash and spin! I can take care of that with a kaleidoscope. A story about a kaleidoscope, I mean. Dromiceiomimus: So you're aiming for the under-six market? T-Rex: No, no! I want 12 year olds too. So ah, the kaleidoscope can transform in a ninja turtle, who can mutate into a robot. Or a Barbie. Or a horse. T-Rex: Or horse-Barbie. Done! Utahraptor: And so this is your ultimate story for kids? T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: If by "story" you mean "franchise", anyway. I don't know. I think I've lost focus. Utahraptor: Why not focus on either babies OR children? That way you don't have to cater to both the "words are hard" and the "these early stages of puberty unsettle us all" demographics. Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex (punchline): Excuse me, child! Your early stages of puberty: they... they - Off panel: They unsettle us all, I know. Off panel: *sigh*

t-rex is hoping here that if he says "maybe i'm batman" enough, then when people hear the name "t-rex", they will automatically think, "hey! maybe HE'S batman."

T-Rex: Let's say I break the law BUT I had a really good reason for doing it. Maybe I'm Batman! T-Rex: MAYBE I'M BATMAN. T-Rex: So maybe I'm Batman and I break the law and I get caught but I had a really good reason. I'm going to hope that the police take that into account! I'm BASICALLY going to hope for selective enforcement of the law. But that's kind of a terrible thing to hope for: it puts the law in the hands of an individual police officer, with all their preconceptions and prejudices! Utahraptor: You'd prefer zero tolerance? T-Rex: Not hardly! T-Rex: That fails to consider extenuating circumstances, like the fact that maybe I'm Batman! So I'm stuck. I know it's useful to allow the police to make exceptions, but I don't want my freedom dependent on whether I get a nice cop or a mean one! Utahraptor: I suppose that is a reasonable concern! Narrator: LATER: Floating Batman head: t-rex, guess how many times i've worried about mean cops! T-Rex (punchline): S-Several? Floating Batman head: okay Floating Batman head: THAT was a lucky guess

hamlet has to say "record scratch" because records aren't invented yet so you can't make the sound otherwise, HOW IS THIS NOT OBVIOUS

Narrator: HAMLET in six panels T-Rex: This is "The Tragical History of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark" by William Shakespeare! T-Rex: It is believed to have been written between 1599 and 1601. The play is set in the Kingdom of Denmark, see citation 1! God: T-REX YOU ARE A) INCOMPETENTLY PLAGIARIZING WIKIPEDIA AND B) QUICKLY RUNNING OUT OF TIME TO CAPTURE ONE OF THE GREATEST WORKS OF ENGLISH LIT T-Rex: Aw toots!! God: THAT'S UH God: THAT'S NOT IN THE PLAY T-Rex: Okay so it starts out and there's a dad! A g-g-g-ghost dad! Utahraptor: We should be halfway through by now!! T-Rex: Okay okay, so Ghost Dad says he died from too much poison and Hamlet's all "Record scratch! Say WHAAAAAT?" then FOUR HOURS OF AUDIENCE TIME LATER, we've all learnt a valuable lesson! Utahraptor: Which is? T-Rex: ...Polonius is the best character? T-Rex: The end! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! T-Rex: Shakespeare! How would you sum up "Hamlet" real quick? Off panel: i haven't written hamlet yet t-rex, HELLO T-Rex: Oh man! I'd better pull on a sweater and turn up the thermostat! T-Rex (punchline): BECAUSE IT'S SUDDENLY REAL EXCUSEY IN HERE

even the example t-rex gives is fundamentally flawed. who would like to be known as a 'sexual basketball player'? 'sexual basketball' sounds like some game a creepy guy would make up and then try to get you to play with him. what's the deal, creepy guy?

T-Rex: Ladies, your attention please! Are you aware that I'm a predator? Don't you find that ATTRACTIVE? Perhaps, yes? And what if I told you I was not JUST a predator, but also a grade-A... T-Rex: ... SEXUAL predator?? Dromiceiomimus: Whoah, T-Rex! What the heck are you doing, making jokes about sexual predators? T-Rex: What? I'm not making jo- OH MY GOODNESS. I honestly didn't even think that it could be read that way! I meant it in the sense of like, a basketball player and then a grade-A SEXUAL basketball player. Not in the sex offender sense! T-Rex: Aw man!! That's the end of me! Utahraptor: How's that? T-Rex: Well - the real meaning of "sexual predator" honestly didn't occur to me until Dromiceiomimus pointed it out, and I had already, um, sort of registered myself on websites dedicated towards keeping track of sexual predators. Utahraptor: Yep! That would be the end of you! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Dear audio diary: today I may have accidentally registered myself as a sex offender! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE

Lots of languages have "ba" sounds for dads, too: "baba" in Persian, Swahili, Turkish and Bangla, Mandarin Chinese, "abba" in Aramaic and "ba" in !Kung. In other news, !Kung (the language AND people) is/are too awesome to just be mentioned in the title text here; their language uses CLICKS, that's what the "!" is!

T-Rex: The words for "mother" and "father" are really similar, if not identical, across tons of languages! And the reason isn't because the languages are closely related. It's due to a way more awesome reason! T-Rex: It's because parents totally assume their babies are talking about them! T-Rex: It's so amazing: "ma", "pa" are some of the first and easiest language-like sounds babbling babies make - and what's the word for "mother" in English? "Mama"! And it's also "mama" in Dutch, and in Romanian, and in Catalan, Slovak, Quechua, Chinese, German, Russian, and MORE. The languages have evolved such that the first language noise a baby makes sounds like it's saying "Hey mom, what's up?" Utahraptor: And dads made the same deal too! "Papa" is in English, Cree, and Hindi! T-Rex: Neat! Utahraptor: It's kinda awesome that these words are built to flatter new parents. T-Rex: Man, it's great! Across language, time, and entire civilizations, we're united by pointing at our babbling babies and saying, "Yes. This child is DEFINITELY talking about me." T-Rex (punchline): Hooray for egoism!

[ ] understand what it's like to give birth a child and to hold that child in your arms [x] feel what it would be like to be the last person on earth, surrounded by the decaying remains of civilization [ ] three chicks

T-Rex: Hey, who wants to come with me to sneak around in abandoned buildings? T-Rex: I know you want to, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe I do, actually! What's this about? T-Rex: It's urban exploration! We poke around in abandoned factories and schools and mental institutions and stuff, but not to steal things, just to look at how things have changed since the building was in use. It's awesome! You see old bathtubs and all sorts of stuff! Dromiceiomimus: Alright! Count me in! Utahraptor: Is this like infiltration? T-Rex: Yeah, man! T-Rex: The difference is that infiltration includes exploring buildings that ARE currently is use, like subway systems and stuff, going places you're not supposed to go. We're only going to buildings that haven't been in use for years. It's more like trespassing! Utahraptor: Count me in too! What could possibly go wrong? Narrator: NOTHING! EVERYONE HAS A GREAT TIME AND TAKES SOME AMAZING PICTURES: T-Rex: Hooray! We got to feel what it would be like to be the last person on earth, surrounded by the decaying remains of civilization. T-Rex (punchline): (One more thing checked off on my lifetime 'To-Do' list!)

that's why no pictures allowed at MY wedding

T-Rex: I received an invitation via the post last night! A very exclusive invitation... T-Rex: ... to a wedding! Dromiceiomimus: Who's getting married? T-Rex: A friend of mine! She's getting married to a woman she met four years ago! Dromiceiomimus: Wow! Utahraptor: Ooh! Ooh! Can I be your guest for the wedding? T-Rex: Sure! Utahraptor: Awesome! I've never been to a wedding before, much less a lesbian wedding! This is exciting! T-Rex: I know! We'll get to see them KISS! Utahraptor: That's not what I meant! T-Rex: Whatever, man! T-Rex (punchline): I bet I won't be the only one taking a picture!

i got down on one knee with a ring and a stainless steel sharpie. she checked off yes!!

last year anthony clark and i collaborated on a SECRET COMIC:

Image description: The comic is not based on the standard template Reginald: BEARTATO! HELP!! Reginald: I ACCIDENTALLY DRANK A LOVE POTION! Reginald: I THINK IT'S STARTING TO AFFECT... Reginald: ...ME... Beartato: HM? [Beartato is surrounded by a pink hearted background] Beartato: AFFECT YOU HOW? Reginald: OH JENNIPOOS YOU ARE SO LOVELY Reginald: LET'S GET MARRIED Beartato: "JENNIPOOS"? Reginald: A LOVELY NAME FOR A LOVELY PERSON! Beartato LOOK, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU CALL ME. BUT IF WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS, WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS RIGHT. PUT ON A SUIT AND ASK ME AGAIN. [A proposal card of sorts] Card: JENN- Card: WILL YOU MARRY ME? Card: [checkbox] YES [checkbox] NO Card: -RYANGINALD

i looked up "emo" on wikipedia, and apparently there's a form of music based on emo, but with more yelling into the microphone! guys. it's called "screamo".

Narrator: LATE LAST NIGHT: God: T-REX HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HOMOGRAPHIC HOMOPHONIC AUTANTONYMS T-Rex: I have not! God: OKAY SO HERE'S WHAT THEY'RE LIKE Narrator: THIS MORNING: T-Rex: Sorry, other word classes! I have a NEW girlfriend now! T-Rex: A homographic homophonic autantonym is a word that is spelt AND pronounced the same, but has two opposite and contradictory meanings! For example, I can dust a crop (adding pesticides to it), or I can dust a counter (removing dust from it)! Way to go, dust! You are a winner; you are a word that contains multitudes. Dromiceiomimus: Why do we let language get like this? T-Rex: Probably because we want it to be incredibly awesome? Utahraptor: And both "dust"s are the same part of speech there, too, so you can't use word order to determine meaning! T-Rex: INDEED! T-Rex: ALL YOU CAN DO is hope to use your real-world knowledge about crops and tables to figure out what's going on. And it's even worse with words like "overlook", meaning "examine" but ALSO meaning "miss noticing entirely". Can't rely on the noun there! Utahraptor: How come you love words that make communication difficult? T-Rex: What is not to like? They're words that do their job in the most sarcastic, sullen, passive-aggressive way possible, and they totally get away with it! T-Rex (punchline): I just want to pat them on the head and ruffle their hair, you know?

has anyone ever written an entire other comic series into their continuity before? THEY HAVE NOW.

Narrator: T-REX HAS GOTTEN A NEW PET DOG: T-Rex: I've gotten a new pet dog! T-Rex: Hooray! T-Rex: My last pet dog ran away because I never fed him. But THIS new dog I'm sure to feed every day! Dromiceiomimus: That's very resp - actually, T-Rex, that's exactly as responsible as you should be. T-Rex: I know this now! Utahraptor: What's your new pet's name, T-Rex? T-Rex: It's also his description! T-Rex: I named him, "The Angriest Dog In The World". Utahraptor: Wow! Is he really that angry? T-Rex: He's LIVID, man! He's TENSE. Bound so tightly with tension and anger, he approaches the state of rigor mortis! T-Rex (punchline): Good listener, though!

i wrote this comic almost a year ago and just found it today! where have you been, little comic?

Narrator: THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING IN AN AIRPORT T-Rex: Here is a list of things to do while waiting in an airport! T-Rex: Fall asleep, wonder how your life brought you here, stare at clock, stare at own fingers, MAYBE stare at fingers of others. T-Rex: Tha- T-Rex: That's pretty much it! Utahraptor: There's probably more things that you can do in an airport, T-Rex! T-Rex: I can't think of any right now! Narrator: REALITY INTRUDES: Utahraptor: Man, we're dinosaurs! What the heck are we doing in airports? T-Rex: Or talking, for that matter? Narrator: BACK TO NORMAL: T-Rex (punchline): In other news, being cognizant is so totally sweet!

is a man not entitled to leaving his socks in the kitchen? "no", says the man in the basement suite, "we share that space". "no", says the man in the room down the hall, "that's gross and nasty". you... rejected those answers.

Narrator: COMICS FOR ROOMMATES Narrator: (print and save!) T-Rex: This is a great comic for if you need to talk to a sucky roommate, but then you're like, "Man! I don't want to talk to a sucky roommate!" T-Rex: Attention, sucky roommate!! T-Rex: You may be surprised to see this comic lying around. I regret to inform you that it was placed here for a reason! Yes, I'm sorry, sucky roommate, but you are being kind of a sucky roommate. Dromiceiomimus: Maybe that can change though? T-Rex: Yes! Maybe if you stopped leaving your used-up socks in the kitchen or whatever? Utahraptor: On the other hand, the person that left this comic here is kind of a sucky person too! T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: He or she isn't!! S/he is just a little passive-aggressive. He/she is just tired of picking socks out of the cereal or whatever. Utahraptor: He slash she should just address these issues directly! T-Rex (punchline): Um, it's way more fun to print out comics than to deal with interpersonal issues? Narrator: THE END

Did you see the Buffy episode where everyone in town got magical powers, but then couldn't control their magical powers?

Narrator: WAYS TO WIN OR AT LEAST END ARGUMENTS IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT PEOPLE RESPECTING YOU Narrator: BABY WANTS HIS BOTTLE: T-Rex: Aww, look at the big baby! Baby wants his bottle! Narrator: MAKING UP STORIES THAT ARE WRONG BUT HINT THAT YOU DO KNOW THE TRUTH: T-Rex: Josh Whedon (or whatever he's calling himself this week) totally just downloads fan fiction and says, "Eh, good enough." That's why Willow and Tara are lesbians! Dromiceiomimus: He does not! Buffy was a really well-written show! Narrator: PROJECTED IGNORANCE: T-Rex: You don't know that! Utahraptor: T-Rex, bi- T-Rex: You don't know that! Narrator: DEAD FRIENDS: Utahraptor: Man, you can't really believe in a "language organ" that makes communication innate. T-Rex: Yes, well - Utahraptor. T-Rex: My friend died. Narrator: FINALLY: HUGS AND KISSES! T-Rex: Aww! T-Rex (punchline): Come'ere, you!

guys, according to every source I read, the arson happened exactly 2363 years ago TODAY, on july 21st, 356 BC! it's insane, because i had no idea of this when i started writing the comic this morning. it is easily the coincidence with the longest setup time that i am ever liable to experience!

T-Rex: The Temple of Artemis was one of the Seven Wonders of the World. It was this really big temple, you guys! But it was burned down. Arson! T-Rex: Arsonist's name was Herostratus! T-Rex: And the ancient Greeks would be TOTALLY PISSED that I just said that! They were so angry at Herostratus - who freely admitted that he burned down A WONDER OF THE WORLD just because he wanted his name to be remembered - that they not only executed him, but they erased him from history, forbidding anyone from mentioning his name! Under penalty of death! T-Rex: Pretty friggin' intense!! Utahraptor: But it didn't work! T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: It turns out you can't make a law saying "dudes nobody say this guy's name anymore okay" without saying his name SOMEWHERE? But, I mean, I understand why they were upset. Kind of a dick move, Herostratus. I want to go down in history, but not for being the World's Suckiest Greek. Utahraptor: I hear that! Narrator: LATER, T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR GO DOWN IN HISTORY FOR BEING THE WORLD'S SUCKIEST GREEKS: Off panel: Damn it, T-Rex! All the irony surrounding YOUR friggin' life is now rubbing off on me! T-Rex (punchline): I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!!

oh word 97, why do you not have "macbeth" in your spell check dictionary? you have had between 402 and 405 years to get your head in the game here.

T-Rex: Deus Ex Machina is the most excellent of all literary techniques because it's the one where God shows up and says "Hey fellas, what the heck's going on?" and then solves all the problems. Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: DEUS EX MACHINA T-Rex: And it doesn't even have to be God! ANYTHING that comes out of nowhere and solves all the problems counts. An early example is in Macbeth, where Lady Macbeth is TOTALLY GUILTY over the murder she masterminded, but then she remembers her time machine! Dromiceiomimus: What? T-Rex: Act V, Scene I? Lady Macbeth is all, "Out, damned spot!! Out, I say! Oh wait, here's my time machine." Utahraptor: I'd like to know where you buy your plays. T-Rex: I'd like to know where you buy yours! T-Rex: EVERYONE KNOWS that Macbeth ends with Lady Macbeth going back in time and stopping the murder, and then she and Macbeth go to the future, which is the 1800s, which is actually the past now. Utahraptor: Then what happens? T-Rex: Shakespeare spends pages wildly inaccurately describing life in the 1800s? Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! T-Rex: I'm glad you decided to add time machines to your plays, Shakespeare! Off panel: i'm not shakespeare, i'm francis bacon! Off panel: and I'M christopher marlowe! T-Rex (punchline): SURE YOU ARE

the metre used to be defined as 1/10000000th of the distance the north pole to the equator, when travelling through paris, france. now it's defined in terms of how fast light moves in a vacuum. hah! nice try, paris!

God: T-REX DID YOU KNOW THAT THE KILOGRAM IS ONE OF THE FEW UNITS OF MEASUREMENT STILL DEFINED BY A PHYSICAL OBJECT T-Rex: Dude! WE HAVE TO STEAL IT! God: OH MAN WE SO HAVE TO T-Rex: God! We're going to steal the kilogram! T-Rex: Now we're gonna have to use our cleverness because it's PROBABLY well-protected, seeing how it's the only real kilogram in the entire Universe. God: HOW ARE YOU AT DODGING LAZER BEAMS T-Rex: I have the brash enthusiasm of an amateur and the body of a tyrannosauroid! God: SWEET Utahraptor: Hey, who are you talking to? T-Rex: No-one! About - about nothing! Utahraptor: Really? Because it sounded like you were planning to STEAL THE PROTOTYPE KILOGRAM FROM ITS HOME NEAR PARIS, FRANCE. T-Rex: Ha ha! Nope! I'd have to be GOD HIMSELF to pull off THAT impressive caper!! God: T-REX I JUST STOLE THE KILOGRAM IT IS MY GREATEST HEIST T-Rex (punchline): Hee hee! That's it for SCIENCE, bitches! God: I REPLACED IT WITH SOME STICKS OF DISCOUNT PEPPERONI

the wife fell in love with him because of the way he'd always answer yes or no questions in complete and unambigous sentences

T-Rex: I have a great idea for a comic you guys! [no text] T-Rex: Okay so there's a single panel with three stand-up comics on stage, each in front of a microphone, talking and smiling, making gestures, that sort of thing. And in the foreground there's a guy in the audience who's whispering something to his friend, and the caption says "What's so funny 'bout Peace, Love, and Understanding?" Tada! Dromiceiomimus: ... T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, if you liked me you'd be laughing Utahraptor: The names of the comedians are like the title of that song? T-Rex: Yes! THAT IS WHY IT'S HILARIOUS!! Utahraptor: Hey, incidentally, I'M working on a comic where there's a man on his hands and knees looking under his couch and his wife is saying "Have you found your keys?" and he's saying "No, I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (My Keys)". T-Rex (punchline): ARGH Narrator: THE END

originally the bottom 3 panels were going to be blank

Narrator: COMPRESSED COMICS COMICS Narrator: today's comic: UNDERSTANDING COMICS by scott mccloud T-Rex: Comics are words or images juxtaposed in deliberate sequence! Narrator: THE END Narrator: COMICS WHERE THE PUNCHLINE IS Narrator: "NO THANKS, CHUCKLES" Utahraptor: Want to help me move in to my new apartment? T-Rex: Let's see! Hours of unpaid labour, heavy lifting, getting to see all your laundry... T-Rex (punchline): No thanks, Chuckles!

SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION: never think about your hands

T-Rex: When someone gives you a gift it's nice because they're nice to you, but it sucks because suddenly your reactions are T-Rex: ON DISPLAY AND BEING JUDGED T-Rex: and that's not that nice! Sometimes my reactions are bad, okay? SOMETIMES, when I know my behaviour is being examined I instantly forget how to have genuine interactions with others, how to sound sincere, AND where to put my hands when I'm not staring at them. T-Rex: ... T-Rex: OH CRAP, talking about being weird about my hands has made me SUPER WEIRD about my hands!! Utahraptor: Just gesture with them while you speak, dude! T-Rex: Okay, right! Like... this? Utahraptor: No, now you're just holding them out. Let them hang limply at your side, I guess? Man. What DO we do with our hands when we're not staring at them? T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR no, it got you too!! T-Rex (punchline): Your - your hands look weird Utahraptor: Yours too Narrator: AND THEY NEVER LOOKED NORMAL AGAIN Narrator: THE END

LONG STORY

T-Rex: I have a friendship crush on all my friends. They're great! T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus! I have a friendship crush on you! Dromiceiomimus: Well, thank you T-Rex. You're not so bad yourself. T-Rex: A friendship crush is where you really like a friend, but it's not necessarily sexual, but everyone makes jokes that it's totally sexual, because you like to hang out all the time. Dromiceiomimus: Got it! Utahraptor: Do you have a friendship crush on me, T-Rex? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: But you're not supposed to ask. That makes you seem needy! It causes my friendship crush to fade a bit! Utahraptor: Oh no! T-Rex: But your regret is bringing it back. Revitalizing it! No - yes. Yes! The friendship crush is restored! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER COMIC: T-Rex (punchline): S - Sapphists?

rich people: how fun is it? prove it. to me. by inviting me over to your radical yacht with a cool helicopter on it and saying "here take these keys; i don't care what happens to this cool helicopter and radical yacht".

T-Rex: Babies! Everyone is always having them all the time. This is not an exaggeration. God: T-REX T-Rex: IT'S BARELY EVEN AN EXAGGERATION T-Rex: Aren't there other things in life we could be having instead of babies? Like, what if every time you wanted a baby, instead you went out and had a nice meal with cool people instead? Mmmm! That sounds like a real tasty time, you guys! Dromiceiomimus: Some people would spend a lot of money on a heck of a lot of cool meals. T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: And this helps the ECONOMY, which I understand is... good? Utahraptor: Babies cost like $100,000 to raise, dude! Utahraptor: And that's only to get them to 18: as adults they keep spending too. You'd have to spend like a sailor to keep up with what an adult baby would buy. T-Rex: You know what's weird? How you say "You'd have to" where without hesitation I would've said "You'd get to". T-Rex: Although the "actual baby" and the "imaginary baby used to justify expensive purchases" scenarios do both require me to be loaded enough to pay for 'em. Off panel: Yeah. T-Rex (punchline): Dude I don't wanna sound weird or anything but MAN it must be so fun to be rich sometimes!

You may be rolling your eyes and saying "man these cards don't sound so awesome" until I tell you that the stats on the back cross over with Marvel trading cards, so now you can directly compare Krishna's power to Wolverine's. Yeah. I thought that'd get your attention.

T-Rex: BUSINESS IDEA: god trading cards! T-Rex: Wait, hear me out! T-Rex: They'd be like superhero trading cards, with a sweet picture on the front and then facts the back. Real Name! First Appearance! Battles Fought! But also STATS, so you'd know speed, stamina, intelligence, strength, agility AND durability on a scale of 1 to 7, and you could FINALLY have an informed conversation about which god could beat up which other god! Utahraptor: But wouldn't all the stats be maxed out? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: The cards are written by followers of OTHER religions, to minimize stat inflation! Utahraptor: Wouldn't each god's stats be at zero then? T-Rex: OKAY FINE the cards are written by ME after I become a polytheist who intimately knows every single religion!! GAME SET AND MATCH, baby. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): MAN this is a lot of work for trading cards

so... why don't you and i go back to your place, put on some nice romantic music, swear each other to silence, and make up a great story we can tell our friends?

Narrator: T-REX HAS BEEN INVITED TO ANOTHER WEDDING. T-Rex: Yes! And I know what that means... T-Rex: Ill-advised hookups!! T-Rex: It's the wedding experience! You get some single people together who think life is a race, and then you convince them THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF WEDDING that the only way to avoid coming in dead last is to get married! The result: hookups! T-Rex: Hookups Of the ill-advised nature!! Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex, that's just a stupid stereotype and lame soap opera trope! T-Rex: Lame and SEXY Utahraptor: I just think that if you go into this wedding evaluating all the guests by their hookup potential, it'll colour your wedding experience in a really weird way. T-Rex: Utahraptor, guess what? Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: I'm still totally gonna be on the lookout for bad hookups!! Narrator: AT THE WEDDING. Off panel: So what are you thinking, baby? Yes or no? T-Rex (punchline): Um, I'm thinking... that a lot of my internal conflict and malaise comes from the tension between the life I ACTUALLY want to live, and the stories I'd love to be able to tell?

there should probably be a capital 'S' on 'stimulating' there

T-Rex: Alright! New novel: done! This one is a romance, and is called: T-Rex: "Pretzels In A Lady's Lap"! T-Rex: It's named after a particularly striking scene from the book! We’re at a party, and a young man accidentally spills pretzels, as he walks by, into the titular Lady’s lap! She looks up: eyes meet, bosoms - on both sides - heave, passions smoulder, and, perhaps... romance blossoms? Utahraptor: Hey, what’s so sensual about pretzels? T-Rex: Dude! Utahraptor: No, really! They’re dry and salty. T-Rex: I’ve always found them to be pretty sensual. Utahraptor: I’m pretty sure you’re the only one! T-Rex: Really? Huh! Nobody else finds pretzels stimulating? T-Rex (punchline): Well, this has been quite the anagnorisis (a moment of recognition or discovery)!

how many times will you hear the phrase 'fetishistic cultural interest' today? well, that really depends on which circles you run in, i'd imagine.

T-Rex: I have a friend who, as near as I can tell, only dates Asian women. I don't get it! Narrator: PEOPLE WHO DATE ONLY ASIANS COMICS T-Rex: I don't think he's a racist guy, but can you still be racist if you like an entire group of people (instead of hating them) for some perceived racial qualities? Maybe? But then again, there's nothing wrong with finding some feature particularly fetching, and maybe all the Asian women he meets just happen to have this feature. I don't know what to think! Utahraptor: Does he like Asian cultures too, or just Asian women? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Well, I'm wondering if it's purely a physical thing, or if maybe he's got this weird fetishistic cultural interest in Asian countries as well. The whole "ooh, it's foreign to me, how FASCINATING and EROTIC" thing, coupled with a cultural conception that exaggerates the broad brushstrokes while ignoring its subtleties. T-Rex (punchline): No, I don't think he has that. Narrator: "A Complicated Issue"

later still, t-rex sits down to write, but only gets a few hundred words into "Ten Thousand Jerks! The true story of the flu currently inside my body"

T-Rex: Autotheism is the belief that you, personally, are divine. You're a god! God: SAY God: WHAAAAAAAAT T-Rex: Seriously, dude! And normally people who are autotheistic don't really comment on the existence of other religions or gods, just themselves. It's kinda the old "the only consciousness I can be certain of is my own" argument, but, you know, applied to divinity. Dromiceiomimus: So if you're a god, then what? How come you don't do anything godly? T-Rex: MAYBE I'M BUSY. Utahraptor: Or maybe just being alive IS divine enough! T-Rex: Sure! Maybe life itself is divine! T-Rex: Except that means what I ate for breakfast was a god, and my house is built out of dead tree gods. T-Rex: ...I was going to say that this is just pantheism again, but living in a house of dead tree gods is something I'm really into, so: OBJECTION WITHDRAWN. Narrator: LATER, T-REX GETS THE FLU! T-Rex: I've got thousands of microscopic flu gods inside me!! T-Rex (punchline): [small] ...jerks.

oh hey, you can use that last line whenever ANYONE doesn't laugh at your joke, whether they have their PhD or not!

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Ask him about science stuff though, okay? T-Rex: Okay! Our first letter comes from Jenn! T-Rex: Jenn writes, "Dear Professor Science, is it true that the moon is making each day on Earth longer? IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE???" T-Rex: Wow, Jenn, you got really intense there at the end. You went a bit crazy with the caps lock and then added in punctuation three times. What's going on? T-Rex: What's up? Utahraptor: Hey, have you ever gotten emails from people who do that with EMOTICONS? T-Rex: I have! T-Rex: I got one that was like "I am really sad :((((((" and it's sort of a bizarre emphasis that entirely divorces a smiley from its own visual iconography. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Utahraptor: Me neither! T-Rex: Anyway! I'd better ask The Professor this science question, huh? Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: So she finishes with, "IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK". Why won't anyone take what Mark says at face value? Am I right, Professor? T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): That's comedy, Professor. It's beyond the reach of your precious "science".

i originally had a comic about cuttlefish: the sentient cephalopods but they are just too damn freaky

T-Rex: I'm opening up my own detective agency! T-Rex: I'm going to solve MYSTERIES! T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus. Do you have any mysteries you'd like solved? Dromiceiomimus: Well, not right now, but tell you what, T-Rex: if any come up, you'll be the first person I'll call! T-Rex: Excellent! Utahraptor: I've got a mystery I'd like solved! T-Rex: Oh boy! Utahraptor: The mystery is how a gigantic green building-sized Tyrannosaurus Rex expects to succeed as a undercover detective! Utahraptor: That's one mystery I'd like to get to the bottom of! T-Rex: You should know, I don't take sarcastic cases! T-Rex (punchline): Only real mysteries, please!

WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY is that americans you are all one family and don't forget that because that is the lesson here, and also other nations prefer it when you give them rides home in your car, so thanks in advance

T-Rex: Last night I was stranded hours away from home. Things were looking pretty grim for Team T-Rex until I got a ride! T-Rex: Thank you, America!! T-Rex: Yes, thank you Jane America, the plausibly-named woman who gave me that ride! T-Rex: I just want to say this to America and her whole family of Americans: thanks for doing what I wanted yesterday. Jane America has a lot of influence, and it's great to know that when it counts, the Americans are on the side of What I Preferred, Thanks. Dromiceiomimus: Has this Jane America you speak of done otherwise before? T-Rex: America, she... may be involved in several international conflicts, okay? Utahraptor: Wait - SEVERAL of them? T-Rex: Listen, America's great! And I say this as a non-American! T-Rex: Jane America may have messed up in the past but yesterday, WHEN IT COUNTED, she did not. And sure, America may have put more of her fellow citizens in jail than any other industrialized - Utahraptor: T-Rex, if you want this thank-you to be good, you need to stop talking now. T-Rex (punchline): Dear Americans! You just love putting high fructose corn syrup in everything, but that's okay because I just love YOU

god's all, ''HEY EVERYONE CHECK IT OUT'' and then puts his hands palm-down in front of him in a ''simmer down'' motion, looks around, and says ''I JUST HEARD THIS TOTALLY GROSS STORY''

God: HEY T-REX God: HEY God: WHAT'S THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER HAD IN YOUR MOUTH T-Rex: Are you sure you want to know? God: MOST DEFINITELY T-Rex: Okay. But it's gross! I was riding my bike and I accidentally - I'm sorry, this is disgusting. There was a dead mouse on the side of the road, and it was bloated and had obviously been there for a while, and by the time I noticed it, it was too late to avoid. I ran over it and it burst and some of it flew up and landed on my lips. God: HAH HAH OH MAN God: GROSS Utahraptor: You're telling that story again? T-Rex: God asked! Utahraptor: Yeah, but T-Rex, it's not a flattering story! When people look at your lips they might start to think "mouse guts" instead, and then they won't want to kiss you anymore. T-Rex: Well... it's just God. It's not like he's gonna broadcast it on the radio or anything. God: T-REX I KINDA JUST TOLD THE STORY TO EVERYONE IN HEAVEN T-Rex (punchline): Aw man! Everyone who ever lived and didn't suck knows it now? God: I ALSO ENCODED IT INTO THE DNA OF SEVERAL NEW SPECIES God: SO UH God: THAT'S SOMETHING

cause it's been a dream since grade three!

Narrator: "FIFTY-TWO MOVIES IN FIFTY-TWO DAYS" T-Rex: I challenge myself to watch fifty-two movies in fifty-two days! Narrator: FIFTY-TWO DAYS LATER: T-Rex: Some of them were pretty okay, I guess. T-Rex: *sigh* Utahraptor: Hey, YOU look like you're feeling a little disillusioned about film! T-Rex: Good eye! T-Rex: I am, a little! It wasn't the point of my experiment, but holy, there are SO MANY BAD MOVIES. Utahraptor: There's so many bad everythings! T-Rex: It's true! My friend, have we become elitist snobs? Are we too good for anything? T-Rex (punchline): Have we - finally - become "too cool for school"?

don't worry: for humans, it's mere hundreds of pounds a year (NICE) (GROSS)

T-Rex: The year is almost over, you guys! We've had 8,765 hours a year to GET THINGS DONE. I'm gonna say what we're all thinking: T-Rex: DUDES. What have we accomplished? Dromiceiomimus: Well, if you consider the fact that your body is constantly turning air and water and food into YOU, that's a lot of tiny accomplishments! T-Rex: I like it! But I worry an accomplishment list that includes "continued respirating" might seem a BIT padded. We've got to come up with a better name for it! Dromiceiomimus: "Facilitated between disparate matter groups"? Utahraptor: "Participated in group collaboration between cells"? T-Rex: Ooh! "Enabled bioelectromagnetic synergies"! T-Rex: "Identified sources of oxygen-rich gasses in order to reach continued viability targets"? Utahraptor: "Existed as the only spark of consciousness I can be certain of, explored what parts of the universe I could reach, tried to make things better, and made whatever friends I could"? T-Rex: Nice. Also, "Ate thousands of pounds of tasty things (NICE) but expelled thousands of pounds of poops (GROSS)" T-Rex (punchline): Gotta round that up to a win!

the more i look at the word "phew" the more i'm convinced it would be better suited as a nickname for some bodily discharge or another

T-Rex: Parking tickets! T-Rex: Everyone who loves parking tickets, throw your hands up in the air! Raise the friggin' roof! [no text] T-Rex: Ah. So everyone's stealing my anti-ticket opinions INSTEAD of raising the roof. That's fine, that's cool. Utahraptor: Whatever! Utahraptor: People hated parking tickets long before you came along. They ALSO dislike restrictive bank service hours, computer phone systems that make it difficult to talk to a real person, AND unjustified authority. T-Rex: But I hate all those things too! HAVE I NEVER HAD AN ORIGINAL THOUGHT IN MY LIFE?? T-Rex: [thinks] It would be awesome if popsicles tasted like the stick they're on instead, and then the stick tasted like the flavoured ice T-Rex (punchline): *phew*

Antonio Tony raised his arms to the army of ghosts in front of him. "Working together", he shouted, his voice echoing through the gigantic stadium lit only by moonlight, "the aliens don't have a GHOST of a chance!" The crowd erupted in cheers. Ghost Teddy Roosevelt cocked his shotgun.

T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a SERIOUSLY spooky ghost! T-Rex: No, wait. It can be done better. T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: Antonio Tony could see dead people! T-Rex: Every room was packed for him, as there was a ghost for everyone who'd ever lived. Ghosts of explorers from hundreds of years ago wandered the downtown core bumping shoulders with the ancient ghosts of their earliest ancestors. And it wasn't just people: the seas were filled with 270 million years of ghostly trilobites, and long-extinct animals roamed the skies - many not found in any textbook. Antonio had checked. Utahraptor: This is actually an awesome premise: the air nearly opaque with dead insects! T-Rex: Thanks, but I'm not done yet! T-Rex: Antonio took notes on some of the ghosts, dragging their mangled, legless bodies through malls, parks, and stadiums. He knew any book he produced would be invaluable to historians, but also knew anything he produced would be seen as fiction. Utahraptor: NICE. T-Rex: It was then that the first spaceship landed. T-Rex: The ships appeared puzzlingly empty, as only Antonio could see ghost alien shock troops pouring out! He must now recruit the very best of Earth's history to fight this secret war for survival!! T-Rex: Man! T-Rex (punchline): I wish I had more time to talk about this awesome premise; OH WELL

paul dini basically what this comic says is that i really think you should have a rocket car, and it's unfair that you don't have one. if you need me, i SO have your back on the rocket car thing.

T-Rex: Superman has given Batman a small supply of kryptonite, so if Superman ever goes CRAZY and starts killing people, Batman can take him down. T-Rex: This, my friends, is the true meaning of friendship! T-Rex: Superman trusts Batman with his LIFE. Can you imagine, Dromiceiomimus? It would be like me giving you a gun with bullets that ONLY SHOOT ME, except you're grimmer, and people make gay jokes about you even though come on, Robin is just a ward, and your parents were murdered by a dude named "Joe Chill" of all things, and also you live in a cave. Dromiceiomimus: Also, YOU can shoot lasers with your eyes. T-Rex: Also that, yes. Utahraptor: So the true meaning of friendship is trusting your BFF to kill you? T-Rex: Absolutely! That's awesome! T-Rex: Can you imagine having that kind of relationship with someone? That kind of trust, but also the dark underscoring of the fact that you know they'll do what's necessary if they have to? Utahraptor: I guess! T-Rex: Do - do you want ME to maybe shoot you if you start slappin' folks around? Narrator: THAT NIGHT, T-REX VISITS A RADIO STATION AND INSISTS ON TALKING ABOUT BATMAN: T-Rex (punchline): The thing is, Nora, if knowledge about Batman was profitable, I would be driving around in a pretty fancy rocket car

this comic is inspired by my friend chris and his remarkable, remorseless, and above all truly inspiring love of meat and cheese.

Narrator: INSPIRATION FOR DUDES! T-Rex: Dudes! Are you in need of inspiration? T-Rex: Then dudes, come on!! It's time to get inspired! Narrator: INSPIRATION 1: SUNSETS? T-Rex: Sunsets can be inspiring if you are a sensitive dude, or a super weepy dude. Dromiceiomimus: Or a solar scientist dude! T-Rex: Yes! Solar scientist dudes ARE, scientifically, nature's most inspired dudes. Dromiceiomimus: Everyone knows it! Narrator: INSPIRATION 2: STOMPING ON THINGS Utahraptor: Not every dude is inspired by that! T-Rex: Hah! Whatevs! Narrator: INSPIRATION 3: CHEESEBURGERS T-Rex: I love eating cheeseburgers! Utahraptor: I know! T-Rex: Sometimes, it's - inspiring? Narrator: INSPIRATION 4: CHEESEBURGERS AGAIN T-Rex (punchline): It's - it's a symphony of meat and cheese?

today is a good day for revenging yourself upon your enemies, as opposed to today being, you know, a good day for revenging yourself upon perfect strangers

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for revenge! T-Rex: REVENGING MYSELF UPON MY ENEMIES, THAT IS! T-Rex: Specifically, revenging myself upon my enemies by finding out what their full names are, and then popularizing an insulting or embarrassing acronym that uses those initials. Dromiceiomimus: Huh? T-Rex: Like WTF! If I had an enemy named "Walter Theodore Freemont", I could invent WTF and then he'd be annoyed. Utahraptor: But WTF is already an invented acronym. T-Rex: I know! It was an example, GEEZ. T-Rex: I'm going to invent a NEW acronym that goes along with some enemy's initials, and then ensure it gets super popular! Revenge: COMPLETED. Utahraptor: It seems like it'd be way easier to just make enemies with one W.T. Freemont than to try to direct the acronymic course of an entire language! IMHO. T-Rex: Oh my God, people who say "IMHO" in real life are just - T-Rex: Utahraptor T-Rex (punchline): I am having trouble dealing with our friendship at the moment

this is more 'educational' than 'funny'

Narrator: RECIPE COMICS Narrator: today's recipe: Narrator: CHICK PEAS IN COCONUT MILK Narrator: CUT AND SAVE! T-Rex: Tonight is a good night I think for having Chick Peas in Coconut Milk for dinner! T-Rex: I believe I will combine in a saucepan 2 cups of canned chick-peas, drained; 1 tomato, chopped; 4 whole cloves; 2-3 cloves of garlic, minced; and 1 1/2 cups coconut milk! Dromiceiomimus: But aren't you forgetting about 1 1/2 teaspoons of turmeric and about a half a teaspoon of salt? T-Rex: Indeed I am! The turmeric gives the dish its distinctive yellow colour. Utahraptor: Then you bring it all to a boil, reduce heat and let it simmer for 20 minutes! T-Rex: How did you know? Utahraptor: I make this dish all the time! It's great when served over rice, and feeds 2-3 people! T-Rex: It does indeed, old friend! Utahraptor: Any final comments, T-Rex? T-Rex (punchline): Only that if you want the food to be less watery, let it simmer longer - for up to 30 minutes!

remember that in dinosaur comics land, justin bieber is a SENTIENT DINOSAUR that lived millions of years ago. think about that before you say "oh, no, i don't like THAT sort of musician"

T-Rex: I can totally make up some inventions. Rubber bands shaped like Justin Bieber! DONE. T-Rex: Oh snap, here come the profits! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Now I've invented rubber bands shaped like women and hunks. Is that a solid gold car that I've just won? FROM LIFE?? Dromiceiomimus: These inventions don't seem to actually better anyone, T-Rex, OR our society. They're just - rubber bands? T-Rex: Yes, I suppose they are just rubber bands... SHAPED LIKE CELEBS AND SEXY ICONOGRAPHY!! T-Rex: I will never be poor again Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Still big on rubber bands? T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: So I'm confused - you seem to be inventing these by merely describing them out loud, and then you seem to have profits instantly. Where are these profits coming from? T-Rex: The rubber bands! Utahraptor: But who's making them? T-Rex: ...WHOEVER WANTS TO AS LONG AS THEY PAY ME MONEY?? T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: Oh wait that was all a fantasy and this is back in reality, where I spend most of my time. Good ol' reality! T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex (punchline): Can't improve on that just by closing your eyes!

welcome to my farm of death and decay BOILS AND GHOULS, of CORPSE we're open 24 hours, to enter the body farm you'll need to enter your password which is protected by 256-bit enCRYPTion, etc

T-Rex: Oh my goodness I just figured out what I was meant to do with my life. I have discovered my CALLING. T-Rex: Body farm owner!! T-Rex: Forensic anthropologists want to study how bodies decompose in different circumstances! And so they go to their neighbourhood BODY FARM, which is basically just a few acres of land surrounded by a fence and filled with DEAD AND DECOMPOSING BODIES. Some are out in the open, others are underwater or entombed or whatever! And scientists come and science up the joint, and I'LL get to be the guy who holds a torch under his face and says "Welcome to my farm of death and decay." T-Rex: I'd only say that sometimes, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: You'd only say it never! Utahraptor: There are tons of legal, ethical, and security issues you're not even considering! T-Rex: "Security issues"! What's better security than living in a house surrounded by CORPSES? "Oh hey, let's go steal the TV from the corpse house"? NOBODY HAS EVER SAID THAT, UTAHRAPTOR!! T-Rex (punchline): Honestly, Utahraptor. If you keep being so down on my body farm idea, when you die I might not let you decay out in the open on my front lawn! Off panel: T-Rex, what I am about to say, I say with all honesty. Off panel: In my heart of hearts, I truly thought we already had such an accord

basically anything that boils down to "x died today while doing something that batman normally does" is pretty awesome

God: T-REX WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR OBITUARY TO SAY T-Rex: I've already come up with the perfect one! T-Rex: "T-Rex died today while saving a busload of baby orphans... FROM THE JOKER." T-Rex: And it has to have the caps like that too. Ooh! Or it it could read "In today's obituary we focus on T-Rex, one of the greatest men to ever rip open his shirt by flexing his pectoral muscles, and one of the only men to save the city by doing so." Dromiceiomimus: You seem to be big on going out while saving people! T-Rex: It ensures a good write up, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: You're not a fan of "T-Rex died today after being really old for a while"? T-Rex: Man, that's the worst! T-Rex: If I've got to die, I'd rather it's from being too awesome than being too old, you know? I want my obit to tell a story that doesn't end with "and then his body declined until it stopped working entirely, the end." Utahraptor: I can see the appeal in having a good, solid ending! God: SO UM God: YOU WOULDN'T BE HAPPY IF IT READS "T-REX DIED THE WAY HE LIVED: ON IMPACT" T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex (punchline): No no, that one is entirely great too!

a planet full of ahappy people, working boring jobs but not really minding, telling their significant others that love without happiness actually is different from just a really deep satisfaction, repeating it to themselves in the mirror every morning

T-Rex: Wouldn't it be great if people didn't need to be happy? T-Rex: YES. Yes it probably would! T-Rex: I mean, I get that depression (UNhappiness) has a host of issues associated with it, but what I'm describing is more Ahappiness - the ability to not need happiness at all! Happiness is this - this FUEL that we need to function in society, but it doesn't last forever, and then we need to find more. It's like food, only it's drained every time we have to do something sucky! Also, you can't buy happiness at a grocery store. I'm sorry, Safeway, but you just CAN'T. T-Rex: But what if I removed that desire for happiness? What if instead of feeding the world, I simply killed hunger? Utahraptor: T-Rex! Utahraptor: This is crazy! You can't just pluck an emotion out of the psyche, and we don't have technology that even approaches this. When did you ever think you were going to do this? T-Rex: "Do this?" Utahraptor, do you seriously think I'd explain my masterstroke if there was the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? T-Rex: I did it thirty-five minutes ago. T-Rex: Hah, just kidding! I tried to come up with a way to suppress happiness, but I'm not HAPPY with the results yet. T-Rex (punchline): BAH DUM DUM CHING??

AMAZINGLY, 'wait, no, that sucks!' is exactly what elisha gray said when he heard that a.g. bell beat him to the telephone patent office by 2 hours.

T-Rex: I've come up with the best idea ever! Oh my goodness. LAUNDRY BAGS WITH GIANT GREEN DOLLAR SIGNS ON THEM. Hah hah! Am I robbing a bank in a cartoon or am I doing my laundry? T-Rex: IT IS DIFFICULT TO TELL! Dromiceiomimus: Are you planning to sell these bags to people who want to turn every laundry day into a chance for arrest, AND ALSO to those nostalgic for the charming visual shorthands of early cartoons? T-Rex: I am indeed! Or at least, I was indeed, until I realized that you could just make your own with just a little fabric paint and a working knowledge of what dollar signs look like. Utahraptor: I actually think this has been done before, T-Rex! T-Rex: Aw man, really? T-Rex: I did kinda suspect it might've been done before, since it seemed like a really funny idea, but I've never seen any such laundry bags! I'll just claim to have INDEPENDENTLY invented them. Utahraptor: Like how Alexander Graham Bell and that other dude both independently invented the telephone! T-Rex: Yes! I will be that other dude! I will forever be immortalized as a "second place finisher" in history. T-Rex (punchline): Wait, no, that sucks!