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you know i'm starting to think that the fact we call this place "a MURDER BONANZA" is hurting our resale values

T-Rex: People say ghosts can't kill each other! But what if... ghosts CAN kill each other? T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: If ghosts can kill ghosts, then the dead ghosts would come back... as ghosts! T-Rex: And Gladwell will tell you the more time you spend working on something the better you get at it: this means that older ghosts that kill ghosts would get really great at killing ghosts! They'd - they'd LEVEL UP. Dromiceiomimus: But the new ghosts could level too! T-Rex: Right! It'd be a MURDER BONANZA in the afterlife with everyone trying to become the most experienced ghost, if only to protect themselves!! Utahraptor: But if they're spending eternity grinding XP, is there a level cap? T-Rex: WHO KNOWS?? T-Rex: These are deep religious questions, my friend. QUESTION A: is there an afterlife? QUESTION B: If so, is there a level cap on XP? Utahraptor: Has any religious scholar asked this question before? T-Rex: We're deep in uncharted theological territory here, Utahraptor!! T-Rex (punchline): We need to track down a pope and say we have a religious question, but can only conceptualize it in terms of murder and video games!! Devil: HELLO T-REX Devil: HELLO Devil: THAT IS LIKE EXACTLY MY SKILL SET OVER HERE HOW ARE YOU NOT INCLUDING ME IN THIS

you know, just in case it wasn't clear

Narrator: A MORAL ALLEGORY T-Rex: [tiny] T- oh my gosh! T-Rex: [tiny] I've lost my voice! T-Rex: [tiny] This is a disaster! Dromiceiomimus, you have to help me! Dromiceiomimus: Ha ha, nope! Maybe this will let US get a word in edgewise! T-Rex: [tiny] I let you guys talk! I am always interested in what you have to say! Narrator: LATER... Utahraptor: I heard you lost your voice! T-Rex: It's back! T-Rex: And, I've learned my lesson: always listen to others! Narrator: THE END Narrator: JUST IN CASE: T-Rex (punchline): I represented vanity!

twelfth night, act 3, scene iv

T-Rex: Lampshade hanging is when you've got something hella dumb in your story, but then Shakespeare shows up and says "Forsooth, guys, that's dumb" and then the audience accepts it! T-Rex: BECAUSE WHO WOULD ARGUE WITH FRIGGIN' SHAKESPEARE?? Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: LAMPSHADE HANGING T-Rex: Shakespeare has drawn attention to the hella dumb, and in doing so, addresses and placates audience concern! Utahraptor: Sure! Utahraptor: But any character can pull that off. It doesn't have to be Shakespeare. T-Rex: It doesn't hurt! If a random character says "that's dumb", I'll listen. But if SHAKESPEARE says it, I'm spitting out my drink and saying "Wow, Shakespeare!! I'd better listen to THIS line of dialogue right away!" Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: T-Rex (punchline): Shakespeare, you should have a line that says "Forsooth, if this were in a play, I'd want my tuppence back!" Off panel: t-rex Off panel: who told you all we tudor england people say is "forsooth" Off panel: because that is RACIST

my new temporally-based compression scheme is unstoppable!

Narrator: T-REX AS: "THE COMPUTER SCIENTIST" Narrator: part 2 T-Rex: Okay, so we covered how everything in a computer is stored in binary code! T-Rex: And we covered how any series of binary digits (called bits) can be transformed into a number. But these numbers are really large! They take a long time to send to someone. Luckily, it's possible to send any number, and therefore any file of ANY size, using only two T-Rex: single T-Rex: bits. Utahraptor: Sure, all you need are sychronized timers! Send one bit to say 'start counting' and a second to say 'stop!' T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: Yeah! Then all you have to do is count the amount of time between when you got the 'start' and 'end' bits, and that's your number! Transform it into binary code, and you've got your file! T-Rex: Well - yeah! Utahraptor: Ha ha, I knew it! I am the smartest dude! T-Rex: Yeah, but there's more to being smart than knowing compression schemes! Off panel: No there's not! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] He knows the secret!!

the image of t-rex in a zeppelin is incredibly appealing to me. allow this image to fully resolve itself in your minds eye. it may change your life

T-Rex: Oh crap oh crap oh crap! Does anyone have any advice on how to fix it if a zeppelin becomes free from its mooring and blasts into the sky? T-Rex: Like, right now?? T-Rex: Like, let's all pretend I accidentally unmoored a zeppelin and don't want to get in trouble? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! There's not still laws for zeppelins on the books, right? Because nobody uses them anymore and that means you can't get in trouble, right?? Dromiceiomimus: Well, laws often stay on the books long after they're useful, and zeppelins are still being used today, as you discovered. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus!! T-Rex: ALLEGEDLY DISCOVERED Utahraptor: Where'd you ever find an unattended zeppelin? T-Rex: It doesn't matter now! T-Rex: ANYONE who comes across a fully inflated airship, UNATTENDED, would be forgiven for boarding it and putting on the captain's hat and then pressing all the buttons. It's only fair. Utahraptor: And abandoning ship when it takes off? T-Rex: APPARENTLY, when one's startled, one can sometimes fall out of zeppelins?? T-Rex: All I know is there's a zeppelin owner out there somewhere who's SUPER CHEEZED at me. And she'll probably want to revenge herself on me, zeppelin style! T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex (punchline): Looks like THIS timeline's turning out okay after all!!

in earlier drafts utahraptor suggested temperature scales based on tears and/or blood, but don't waste your time: blood boils and freezes at pretty much the same temperature as water, and while tears boil and freeze a bit after water, it's only because of their salty ways

T-Rex: Celsius is way better than Fahrenheit! Celsius puts zero at the point where water freezes, and 100 at the point where it boils. That's handy! Water's EVERYWHERE, man. T-Rex: If you're ever trapped in the past you can recreate Celsius, no problem! T-Rex: But Fahrenheit? FAHRENHEIT is based on the temperature of brine for zero and the temperature of some eponymous dude's armpit for - 96 degrees? They should've called it "Armpits! The Temperature Scale". Dromiceiomimus: Fahrenheit DOES ensure there's no negative numbers when dealing with commonly-encountered temperatures. T-Rex: Oh, boo hoo! So does Kelvin, and that's BASICALLY Celsius anyway! Utahraptor: I think all this underscores how arbitrary these systems of measurement are! T-Rex: What? How? Utahraptor: You're always just picking two temperatures and dividing the space between up into arbitrary degrees! We could just as easily be dealing with the freezing and boiling points of a 50/50 mixture of champagne and caviar, say. T-Rex: ...Oh My God. T-Rex: YES. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: The Classiness Scale. Degrees are easily measured in "°PC", or "degrees pure class"! Off panel: So you'd say that it's, what... 20 degrees of Pure Class out today? T-Rex (punchline): You would, my friend! You would indeed.

did you know that in real life all those stats for how often the average person thinks about sex are ACTUALLY about ice cream?

T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, pick a number between one and a hundred thousand million! Off panel: Seventeen? T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: That's - that's the number I was thinking of!! Dromiceiomimus: Great! Do I win something? T-Rex: What?! You just came out ahead on a one in a hundred thousand million chance, and you want a PRIZE? Isn't it enough to spit in the face of PROBABILITY HERSELF?? Utahraptor: It's not THAT unlikely that she'd choose your number! T-Rex: Says you, Mr. I Wish I Chose That Sweet Number! Utahraptor: No, I'm just saying that we're actually pretty bad at random number generation and if you ask folks to pick a number in a range, some choices will show up more often than others. It's not THAT unlikely you'd both land on the same number! T-Rex: But *I* didn't choose seventeen randomly! It's.... T-Rex (punchline): - it's the number of times I have thought about ice cream today, I'm not even gonna lie

he's not talking about birds. he is talking about full sized t-rexes who can fly. i am not one to say that evolution dropped the ball here, but i know one consonant-loving former nasa roboticist who would be living in ABJECT TERROR today if there were flying velociraptors roaming the skies!

Narrator: UNINFORMED OPINIONS ABOUT ARCHAEOLOGY COMICS T-Rex: I am a dude with some SERIOUSLY UNINFORMED opinions about archaeology! T-Rex: Okay! We're digging up stuff all the time, right? And talk to any archaeologist and they'll complain about sites that have been damaged or destroyed by under-informed Victorian archaeologists that didn't have the knowledge and skills we have today. Doesn't it stand to reason that in 100 years we'll be making the same complaints about today's work? We only have so much history. Shouldn't we wait until we've perfected archaeology before we dig? Utahraptor: Well, doctors don't wait until medical technology is at a peak before operating! T-Rex: True! T-Rex: But dudes and ladies have finite lifetimes. The past isn't going anywhere! We can dig it up whenevs. Utahraptor: Perhaps it's only through excavation that archaeologists learn how to better their trade. T-Rex: Perhaps! Off panel: Or perhaps it's hard to admit that hypothetical future people would be more on the ball than you could ever be! T-Rex: Man, that's not hard! I suck at flying but fully expect future T-Rexes to be flying all over the place. T-Rex (punchline): Thanks to the heady power of evolution?

bottom line: we need to make physics drills as fun as watching batman punch the junk.

T-Rex: We'd all be a heck of a lot more productive if work was as entertaining as - you know, entertainment! In particular, I'D be a lot better off if learning accounting was as relentlessly entertaining as learning, I don't know... T-Rex: ...about the sexual histories of my friends and acquaintances, PERHAPS?? T-Rex: Heck, if being a responsible and productive member of the community was as entertaining as turning on the TV and seeing Batman punch someone in the junk, I'd be all over that! Dromiceiomimus: Over what? Batman punching or being a good member of society? T-Rex: Both at the same time, Dromiceiomimus!! Utahraptor: I suppose you're proposing we somehow make "work" more entertaining? T-Rex: Actually, no! T-Rex: Such an approach is doomed to failure from its very start. Don't you think generations of parents have tried this? Despite their best efforts, cleaning a room is never as fun as making it messy again. And when we grow up, digging a ditch is not as fun as - I don't know, the opposite of digging a ditch. T-Rex (punchline): Digging a ditch is never as fun as piling things into a small ridge by the side of the road. Narrator: THE END

a grim vision into a world where life-sized cardboard cutouts of yourself can be made on demand!

Narrator: T-REX IN: "THE LIFE-SIZED CARDBOARD CUTOUT" T-Rex: It's the perfect plan! T-Rex: And so simple! T-Rex: whenever I don't want to face my problems, I'll send, in my stead, a cardboard cutout of myself! T-Rex: Ideally, he'll have an intense, yet thoughtful expression on his face. People will say, "Oh, I'd better just leave T-Rex alone: he's intense yet thoughtful!". Utahraptor: And you believe people will fall for this, no doubt! T-Rex: I do! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Oh, that's clearly a cardboard cutout. Narrator: LATER: Off panel: See, that's clearly you standing very still as IF you were a cardboard cutout. T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] just a little closer...

I HAVE BEEN TALKING LIKE THIS FOR DAYS

T-Rex: Guys, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but, well, here we are. I should just say it. T-Rex: Bingo is totally suboptimal and inefficient! T-Rex: Check it out: replace the caller with a computer, and you make the bingo numbers get called like a billion times faster. Replace the bingo players with other computers, and you speed up the rate at which the game is played. Tie both these innovations together and you can play HUNDREDS of bingo games per second! ONCE AGAIN, something has been made orders of magnitude more efficient by simply replacing all life involved with cold and soulless bingo-playing machines. Utahraptor: But the fun of bingo is in dabbing the numbers, in building up suspense as the game progresses. You've made it boring! T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: My new, hyper-efficient bingo is BASICALLY like putting in your money, pressing a button, and being informed whether or not you've won. Utahraptor: Exactly! T-Rex: But that's what slot machines do, and people LINE UP to play them! OH SNAP! IS THIS ANOTHER ARGUMENT WON BY T-REX?? Narrator: THREE DAYS LATER: T-Rex: HEY UTAHRAPTOR! DO YOU REMEMBER THREE DAYS AGO, WHEN I TOTALLY BEAT YOU IN AN ARGUMENT? T-Rex: TO BE HONEST T-Rex (punchline): I'M KINDA LINGERING ON IT

IT KEEPS ME OFF THE COUCH

T-Rex: Attention, people who are breaking up with someone! Don't say "it just wasn't meant to be", okay? T-Rex: You are greatly complicating your breakup! T-Rex: Because now instead of simply saying "hey listen for my tastes you are WAY too sassy" you are saying "hey listen okay there's this all-powerful invisible being who controls EVERYONE'S FATE and he's or she or it or they (it's hard to say and nobody really agrees) has got plans and intentions and a particular interest in us NOT being together." T-Rex: Occam's razor, people! OCCAM'S RAZOR. Utahraptor: You're saying that in a breakup, entities should not be multiplied without necessity? T-Rex: I AM. T-Rex: Besides, honesty can help the dumped person improve. They can say "maybe my sassiness IS at all-time highs!!" instead of saying "GEEZ I wish whoever controlled our fates would stop being such a DICK", saying "DICK" really loudly so the fate controlling entity is sure to hear. Utahraptor: "You don't need God to dump someone"? T-Rex (punchline): You don't need God to dump someone!! Oh my God, Utahraptor. Yes! God: T-REX God: I AM HAPPY TO HELP THOUGH

imagine if you named your child 'attaboy special'? it'd be ridiculous! it would be a bad idea. we should all really stop talking about it.

T-Rex: Today, I am selling compliments! T-Rex: ...for PROFIT! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I have some very special compliments for sale. Would you like to buy a compliment, gorgeous? (That one is on the house!) Dromiceiomimus: No thank you, T-Rex! I don't buy my compliments. T-Rex: An insult, AND an implication that my business model is not sound! Utahraptor: Hey, can I buy a compliment, T-Rex? T-Rex: You - really? Sure! T-Rex: I was sort of expecting that you'd point out flaws of my home business, but sure, I'd be glad to sell you one! Utahraptor: Okay! What can I get for one dollar? T-Rex: I can hook you up with an "Attaboy Special", which includes a five word compliment and a firm handshake. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: You are a good dude! Off panel: I want my money back. T-Rex (punchline): SUDDENLY YOU ARE NOT SUCH A GOOD DUDE.

someone needs to come up with a better 'default comeback' for when they have nothing to say, T-REX.

T-Rex: September is coming, and that means BACK TO SCHOOL! T-Rex: Woo! Back to school! T-Rex: I can't decide what I like more: the fantastic back-to-school savings, OR the renewed chance at educational glory? I guess I like them both equally. T-Rex: No wait, I like the savings more!! Utahraptor: But you don't even go to school! "Back to school" season has zero effect on your life. T-Rex: But Utahraptor! T-Rex: The COMMERCIALS! The deals on three-ringed binders! I just want to be a part of that. Utahraptor: You were a part of that, when you were YOUNGER. Now you're older and your role is to tease kids about going back to school. Old guy jokes like "Back to PRISON, eh?" are your new milieu! T-Rex: I'm not old! My young and fun interests include disparaging authority figures and "hanging out" with my friends, UTAHRAPTOR. Off panel: Only old guys would put "hanging out" in finger quotes, T-REX. T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): ...Perhaps!!

ha ha ha, whoah

T-Rex: My favourite cross-cutting technique of all time? T-Rex: Why, the circle wipe! T-Rex: I can't get enough! All you have to do for comedic gold is have someone say "Boy, I sure hope <x> doesn't happen to me!" T-Rex: Then we have a circle wipe to 8 hours later, and <x> has happened to them anyway! Ho ho! Whoops! Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, what's your favourite cross-cutting technique of all time? T-Rex: G- T-Rex: I was just talking about my favourite cross-cutting technique of all time. ALREADY. Utahraptor: Well, how - T-Rex: ALREADY I had covered that material. T-Rex (punchline): ALREADY.

someone suggested i take panels one and two from my comics and use them as business cards. i cannot help but feel that today's comic would make for one PARTICULARLY unsuccessful business card

T-Rex: Today is the day I remove the word "prejudice" from my idiolect and replace it with the word "racist"! T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: Now if someone says "T-Rex, I just don't like apples", I'll say "Hey, that's RACIST." and when they say "What? That's not racist!" I'll reply with "The very fact that you're denying that it's racist is EVEN MORE RACIST!" T-Rex: Will I be the most popular person ever? I can only speculate that the answer is yes!! Utahraptor: How is it racist? Is the apple-hater of a minority creed or socio-economic group? T-Rex: Oh my god! SO RACIST. T-Rex: Everyone can hate apples, not just minorities! The very fact you'd jump to that conclusion shows that you TRULY ARE history's greatest racist! Utahraptor: I was just trying to figure out how this new "racist" thing worked! T-Rex: Maybe next time you can do it by not DABBLING IN RACISM?? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Attention, audio diary! T-Rex (punchline): Nobody comes to my friggin' parties anymore

apparently the cybernetic collective consciousness holds pep rallies for itself

Narrator: ORIGINALLY: T-Rex: Who cares about feelings? T-Rex: I tell it like it is! Narrator: THE EVOLUTION OF SOCIAL GRACES Narrator: VICTORIAN TIMES: T-Rex: My lady, wouldst thou be so kind as to prepare me my dinner and birth me my babies? Dromiceiomimus: Good sir, my heart is aflutter! I will do as you ask. T-Rex: You have my thanks! T-Rex: Quickly, now. Narrator: THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION: Utahraptor: Let's have (emotionally speaking) consequence-free sex! T-Rex: What's the secret word? Utahraptor: Please! Narrator: THE PRESENT DAY: T-Rex: Is it still alright to hold a door open for a lady? Utahraptor: Hmm... I think so, as long as you'd let her hold it open for you. T-Rex: Now that's fair to BOTH genders! Narrator: THE FUTURE: T-Rex: Who cares about feelings?! Multiple off-panel voices: We tell it like it is! T-Rex (punchline): Damn right! That's because we're all part of a cybernetic collective consciousness. T-Rex and multiple off-panel voices: AGREED

i may just have to sit down and write 'Dudes! Lesbians! Guess What? Here is How to Get Women to Like You'. it is a great title for a book because it appeals to both dudes AND lesbians.

Narrator: COMICS FOR DUDES AND LESBIANS! Narrator: today's comic: Narrator: HOW TO GET A WOMAN TO LIKE YOU T-Rex: Okay dudes and lesbians! Getting a woman to like you is easy! T-Rex: There are plenty of websites, magazine articles and body spray ads that will reassure you that women are just conquests without agency and that they won't have sex with you unless you suggest it to them first. My advice is DIFFERENT. My advice is rooted in reality and allows for women actually wanting the intercourse sometimes! Utahraptor: Okay, so let's hear it! T-Rex: The advice? Utahraptor: Yeah. Let's hear this modern, sexually enlightened advice that applies to both lesbians AND dudes. T-Rex: WELL, for that you'll have to buy my book, "Dudes! Lesbians! Guess What? Here is How to Get Women to Like You". But since we're friends, I'll give you a sneak peek! T-Rex: "CHAPTER 3: At The Bar. There are sometimes lots of women at the bar. If you want to talk to one, then maybe she will want to talk to you! Then you can become her favourite dude or lesbian." Off panel: That's not very helpf- T-Rex (punchline): "Intercourse ensues!"

t-rex isn't trying to be rude, it's just - it's so upsetting that the uncanny valley got personified.

T-Rex: The Uncanny Valley is the name given to the idea that as we build robots that look more and more like real people, the more we approach a point where we all say "oh God oh God what is wrong with that robot where did it all go wrong OH GOD". T-Rex: This also applies to animation! T-Rex: The idea is that crudely-realized characters don't look like real people, but we can see some qualities of real people in them, so they're cute! But as you add more and more realism without quite reaching perfection, you reach a point where suddenly instead of cartoons that look real, they're real people who look TERRIBLY WRONG. Cuteness is replaced with the same reaction we'd have to a putrid, retching, animated corpse: revulsion, and the question "Why??". Utahraptor: But if you can make the characters look even better, you get past that! T-Rex: True! T-Rex: Hence the "valley" - you accept the creature more and more, then are suddenly repulsed, then you accept it the most. Utahraptor: Perhaps... a powerful metaphor for LOVE? T-Rex: Hah! I don't think I love the way you do! Narrator: LATER, AT HALLOWE'EN! T-Rex: There! My costume looks like a failed corpse that still makes a blasphemous claim to life. Thanks, Uncanny Valley! Off panel: No problem, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): It's so upsetting that you got personified, Uncanny Valley.

THANK YOU FOR READING MY COMICS TODAY, HONEYBABES

T-Rex: If honeybabe made a mistake, I might say "Honeybabe, you made a mistake!" T-Rex: Or maybe I'd say "Honeybabe, you blew it!" T-Rex: Maybe I'd suggest our honeybabe in question blundered. Did she just slip up, or did she totally botch it? Maybe it was just an error? A miscalculation? An oversight? A FAILURE? The words we choose indicate how severe a mistake it was, but ALSO suggest various degrees of culpability, and most of us are pretty finely tuned to their nuances of meaning - even honeybabes! Utahraptor: This just in, English has a lot of words for a bunch of stuff! Film at 11? T-Rex: It's got real applications! T-Rex: We're getting closer to computers that can choose their own words, and this shows how sensitive these choices can be! Utahraptor: If you misspell a word, "You made a boo-boo" is fine, but if you press the wrong button and lazer 5000 dudes, that's probably not the mot juste? T-Rex: Yep! And I'm glad you said "mot juste" and didn't just write it down as text, as I'd have read it as "mott justee". Off panel: Well, that'd be my fault for changing languages in the middle of a sentence. T-Rex (punchline): Indeed, no-one can be expected to keep up with that sort of tromperie

probably we're going to have to take you to jail, dude

T-Rex: I just can't get enough of this one song (The Beach Boys: Help Me Rhonda)! I think I'll play it on repeat for 49 minutes. Narrator: 49 MINUTES LATER: T-Rex: One more time!! Narrator: 120 MINUTES LATER: Dromiceiomimus: PLEASE, T-Rex, play a different song. I can hear it from here, and I've been able to hear it from here for the past 20 minutes. T-Rex: I had to turn up the tunes because I was going outside! I don't have a "boom box" or similar portable music device. T-Rex: [small] such as the ipod shuffle Narrator: 10 MINUTES LATER: Utahraptor: What the hell, T-Rex! What's with the noise? T-Rex: It's my new favourite song! Utahraptor: Listen, T-Rex! We're all tired of hearing the Beach Boys asking Rhonda for help. T-Rex: FINE. I'll play a different song. Utahraptor: Just turn it down! Everyone within 100 metres can hear it. If you don't I'll call the cops, for serious. Narrator: SOMEONE ELSE CALLS THE COPS FIRST: T-Rex: Hello cops! Off panel: Hey T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Am I going to jail, cops? Off panel: Probably, dude

a twitter account that's just random song lyrics followed by an all-caps "PLEASE RT": file that under Things I Would Follow

T-Rex: Alright, I think I have gotten the "hang" of this "Twitter" thing. I've figured it out! I've CRACKED THE CODE. T-Rex: It's a place for me to talk to my friends! T-Rex: But also a place where I can talk so that strangers who want to listen in on me can hear me talking to my friends. Okay, that's a thing. I guess that's fine though? Dromiceiomimus: Think of it as broadcasting to the world! T-Rex: GOT IT. T-Rex: Attention world!! I ate a sandwich, please RT! #sandwichtime Utahraptor: No, you can do it better! Utahraptor: Think of it as a way to share important information with your friends: all the good stuff you're sure they'd care about. T-Rex: Got it. A way to share the most important sentiments I have, the top tier things I have going on! Utahraptor: Exactly! T-Rex: Perfect. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex (punchline): Players only love you when they're playing!!! PLEASE RT

maybe - maybe 25? i'm not sure yet. anyway i'm gonna feel like quite the skinny chump next to your tremendous shiny and nigh-indestructable bod

T-Rex: I would like to improve myself! I would like to remove my flaws, assuming they somehow exist. In short, I would like to become... Narrator: THE PERFECT MAN T-Rex: Obviously the perfect man is a towering colossus of sentient engines and steel, able to bench press entire cities while not forgetting the essential truths of being alive. Dromiceiomimus: Why stop at cities? What if there was a man who could bench press... entire PLANETS? T-Rex: Oh crap, wow, I did NOT imagine big enough!! T-Rex: Okay, the perfect man is now made of titanium and ultrasteel and can bench press PLANETS. Utahraptor: What about... galaxies?? T-Rex: Dude I can see what you're doing here, but the problem with galaxies is that they're mostly empty space. You can't blast your pecs with one because you couldn't actually hold it. Utahraptor: Sounds like an excuse a non-perfect man would make! T-Rex: DARN IT, YOU'RE RIGHT! Narrator: SOON: Off panel: What's your new year's resolution, T-Rex? T-Rex (punchline): To be made of adamantium and diamonds and then to bench press the entire universe. Off panel: Oh, I was just gonna lose, like - Off panel: 20 pounds?

please address all inquiries to Mr. Tusks / Vice Mayor, Tiny Towne / Tiny Towne Island / M6T U5K

T-Rex: I'm just so happy that I have a new friend who is a tiny elephant. Oh my goodness, I can't say how happy that makes me. To think of all these years I was looking for happiness in RELATIONSHIPS and SOCIETY when all that I wanted... T-Rex: ...was a tiny elephant friend named Mr. Tusks! T-Rex: Sometimes, Dromiceiomimus, in his official capacity of Vice-Mayor of Tiny Towne Island, Mr. Tusks wears a tiny bowler hat. HOW IS THAT NOT ADORABLE. OH MY GOODNESS. Dromiceiomimus: Tiny Towne Island? I thought he just came from Tiny Towne. T-Rex: The Towne takes up most of the island, so they share the same name! His mailing address: ULTIMATELY ADORABLE. I love my little elephant friend! Utahraptor: T-Rex, aren't you being - ah, kind of racist? T-Rex: What? How? Utahraptor: It's just - every time you mention that you love Mr. Tusks, you mention that he's a tiny elephant. You treat his tiny elephant status as if it sums up his entire personality! T-Rex: Utahraptor, you're right! I need to apologize to him right away. Narrator: TINY TOWNE ISLAND: Off panel: [small] I'm sorry, but the vice mayor is out on a SMALL errand. Would you like to leave a message? T-Rex: Hah! Will he be back SHORTLY? T-Rex (punchline): Good ol' Mr. Tusks!

kids are like, 'ow! fine, here, take the damn ice cream'

Narrator: LOGICAL FALLACY COMICS today's fallacy: PLURIUM INTERROGATIONUM Narrator: "the loaded question" T-Rex: A "loaded question" is when you ask a question that presupposes something unproven! T-Rex: For instance, Dromiceiomimus, I could ask, "Hey, Dromiceiomimus! Are you still punching children?" Dromiceiomimus: What? No!! T-Rex: Aha - so when did you stop? See what I did there? The question presupposes that you've been punching on children in the past, and goes on to suggest that maybe you're still doing so. It is LOADED like rich Uncle Pennybags. From Monopoly? Utahraptor: Your question is really two questions combined into one! T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: It breaks down to "Have you ever punched children, and, if so, are you still doing so?" But since these are merged, and since this merged form still demands a yes or no answer, "no" becomes misleading. The solution is not to answer "yes" or "no", but to reject the question! Utahraptor: Really! Off panel: T-Rex, are YOU still punchin' children? Are you still punching them just to steal their ice cream cones? T-Rex: I reject your question, Utahraptor! It's loaded! Off panel: Why are you SO AFRAID of the truth coming out, T-Rex? T-Rex (punchline): Okay you must never enter politics ever.

if you don't know him, heidegger is a 20th-century philosopher who is notoriously difficult to read. this is me: 'haha ouch heidegger sorry you're so hard to read dude :o'

T-Rex: Oh man, am I ever sick. Me! I never get sick but this time I've gotten sick. T-Rex: My mighty body lies in shambles! T-Rex: Oh, Dromiceiomimus, you've got to save me! Failing that, tell them my story. Regale future generations with stories of Mighty T-Rex, felled by nothing greater than the common cold. Irony will be my theme, stomping my leitmotif!! Dromiceiomimus: You've got a runny nose? T-Rex: Oh, and a headache too! This is how my story ends: not in a bang but a sniffle. For shame! Utahraptor: Can I tell people your story? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus is APPARENTLY UNWILLING, so yes! Utahraptor: Excellent! I'M going to shoehorn my own politics into your tale, reducing you to a mere representation of Heidegger and the story to transparent lecturing in which characters often break the fourth wall to tell my readers what they should believe! T-Rex: Aw dude! You're imagining it right now!! Utahraptor: [starts daydreaming] [Utahraptor's daydream] T-Rex: I represent Heidegger! Watch as I stomp on "the little guy" who's just trying to understand my seemingly purposely obscure philosophical writing! Off panel: Wow! Utahraptor is right in everything he says! T-Rex (punchline): You said it, everyone!

boo

Narrator: THE MOVING COMIC T-Rex: I have a friend... T-Rex: Let's call him "Ryan"! T-Rex: Anyway, "Ryan" moved to a new city this weekend. He loaded up all his books into his car, but when he arrived, they were soaked! T-Rex: Ruined. T-Rex: PULP. T-Rex: I understand he was pretty upset about this. Utahraptor: Oh well! T-Rex: Well, that's not very supportive! Utahraptor: Hey, I know this guy! The books were probably all comics anyway, and they don't matter, right? T-Rex (punchline): Hey, that's right!

the only way to defeat these robot clones will be to trap them in a logical contradiction, which, as robots, they are supremely under-equipped to handle. it's like what happens if you ask a regular person to assemble a car out of its constituent parts. they just fall to the ground, twitching! we're really from two different worlds, i think.

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to talk about robots! T-Rex: Holy crap yes! T-Rex: Oh man, robots. So awesome! What other literary construct allows us to discuss the disparate issues of slavery, prejudice, identity, the body AND the self, while also allowing for all the trappings of a science fiction setting? Only robots, my friends! T-Rex: I would seriously marry robots if it were even possible. T-Rex: In fact, the only fault I can find in robots is with their real life counterparts! Utahraptor: Why's that? T-Rex: They're a canonical study in failed promise! They never try to take over the world and rarely act as a mirror of our own essential humanity. They just sit around! Utahraptor: Some of them build cars, T-Rex. T-Rex: But man, imagine living in a world with literary robots? It would be the coolest! Narrator: DURING THE NIGHT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD BUT T-REX IS REPLACED BY A SINISTER ROBOT CLONE: T-Rex (punchline): So awesome!!

nobody calls me captain sensible either

T-Rex: What's that, Dromiceiomimus? T-Rex: You're asking, "How much of someone's personality is determined by their body?" T-Rex: Well, Dromiceiomimus, that IS an interesting question! A few years ago I would have said "none", but now I'm not so sure! In a way, our bodies do affect who we are: if you've got a strong body, you can be a different person than someone in a weaker body. Trivially, a weak-bodied person wouldn't make a good bully! Dromiceiomimus: I asked none of these questions T-Rex: And Utahraptor, you're suggesting that not all strong people are bullies? Utahraptor: I - okay? T-Rex: Well, Utahraptor, I'll agree with you, and clarify that it's a necessary but not a sufficient condition. Bodies affect the life experiences possible, and therefore personality! And while you're questioning my premise of "nature over nurture" I'll clarify that I'm simply saying that someone in a weak body can't be a very effective bully! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Man, NOBODY calls me anymore

smokin' hot, smokin' brilliant, smokin' great at achieving her goals / goalsets

Narrator: WHAT HAPPENS AFTER YOU DIE T-Rex: Whoah! Sounds intense! T-Rex: So let's find out!! T-Rex: Here we have a dead Dromiceiomimus, who died because she was too smokin' hot and too smokin' brilliant. Dromiceiomimus: Aw, thanks T-Rex! T-Rex: But as you can see even though she's dead, she's PRETTY FINE. Whoah, I didn't even mean that in the "fine as in sexy" sense!! That's awesome! T-Rex: And here is Utahraptor, also a corpse! Utahraptor: I'm not dead! T-Rex: As you can see, he denies the fact of his death and walks the earth, a restless spirit, unable to pass into the next realm. Utahraptor: I'm not a ghost. I eat food! T-Rex: He is a ghost who eats our food. He doesn't even need to! T-Rex: What a dick!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): I hope we all learned a lot today

Later, Antonio Tony and Amelia are reading Nobel Prize-winning author José Saramago's book "Blindness", which has the exact same premise. Antonio and Amelia carefully tear the book to shreds. "It didn't happen like that" they say, between sexual intercourses.

T-Rex: "Antonio Tony and Amelia wake up in a world where suddenly everyone has gone blind - EXCEPT FOR THEM. Antonio and Amelia turn to each other and whisper 'Oh sheesh, everyone has gone blind except for us!' so now we know what's going on." T-Rex: "They go outside and see a lot of folks bumping into things!" T-Rex: "They're not sure what they can do. They've heard that in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king, but neither really wants to be a king, and that's mainly because they're both characters I use in sex stories mostly. Antonio whispers 'This is one problem we can't solve by having sex with each other!', but it's too late because they're having sex with each other now. They eventually agree: it's as erotic as possible under the circumstances." Utahraptor: Wow, that was a really interesting premise you had for a moment there! T-Rex: I know, and SOMEWHERE, it all went wrong! T-Rex: But you know what they say: the best characters write themselves, and as an ARTISTE, I can't control that. Utahraptor: Maybe it's time to get some new characters? Give Antonio Tony a rest, you know? T-Rex: Okay - I'll try!! I'LL TRY AS HARD AS I'VE EVER T- T-Rex's back: *pop* T-Rex: Oh crap! T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor I still think I have that hospitals problem

there's a shout out to all you magic 8 balls in the audience in panel 2

T-Rex: My stars, do I ever love documentary films. The best form of filmmaking? T-Rex: As I see it, yes! T-Rex: What I've come to love is the tension between filmmaker and subject, the way editing can so easily be used to slip the filmmaker's politics into the film. The veneer of realism, the claim of legitimacy - ooh! It's all so GOOD. There's politics in every film, sure, but only documentary makes the claim of truth, and it's THAT claim that makes it all so interesting. Utahraptor: You're still on about documentary film? T-Rex: Dude! It's SO GOOD. T-Rex: My favourite are the extended takes, where you ask your subject a question, they answer it, and then you hold the camera on them for a good ten seconds afterwards while they glance around and look ridiculous. Utahraptor: It is a great way to subtly undermine your subject without saying a word. T-Rex: Yep. T-That's what I think! T-Rex: I- T-Rex (punchline): Um.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?? ptoo

T-Rex: Okay, so let's assume you know the position of every air molecule in the room. T-Rex: Things are going pretty well for you, my friend! T-Rex: Someone in the room says something to another person, and then they both leave. Assuming you know exactly how they moved when they left (and therefore how they displaced the air!) then any remaining displacement is due to sound waves. By looking at the location of the air molecules in the empty room, you can reconstruct what was said in the past! Dudes! It's a perfect, UNDETECTABLE listening device! Utahraptor: But how much particle displacement happens at conversational levels? T-Rex: LOTS, probably! Utahraptor: I dunno. Sound's a wave that travels THROUGH the medium it's in, right, so I'd imagine that's mostly oscillation, not displacement. If you talk to me from across the room, I'm not being splattered with air from inside your lungs. T-Rex (punchline): Oh REALLY? Narrator: SOON: Off panel: T-Rex Off panel: It doesn't count if you're just spitting on me

i'm sorry i had to be so harsh, friends, it is only SOMETIMES

T-Rex: Time for some... T-Rex: ...REVEALING PERSONAL TRUTHS ABOUT OURSELVES! T-Rex: You go first, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: No, I don't think I'll be revealing any personal truths about myself today. T-Rex: DROMICEIOMIMUS! That hardly seems sporting! T-Rex: Alright, you go then, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: Nope! Utahraptor: Pretty sure I'm not sharing any revealing personal truths about myself either. T-Rex: Fine! FINE. I'll be the only one revealing person truths today. Are you ready for some factual truth bombs? HERE THEY FRIGGIN' COME! T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex (punchline): my friends disappoint me SOMETIMES

to be fair to your great-great-whatever grandparents, most of them were probably only distantly related and they were likely unaware of it! JUST AS YOU ARE LIKELY UNAWARE OF YOUR SHARED GENETICS WITH YOUR SWEETIE, OH SNAP

T-Rex: Let us assume that everyone alive today has two biological parents, a mother and a father. I will call this the "No Cloned Chicks" hypothesis! T-Rex: And let us further assume that everyone's parents had a biological mother and father too! T-Rex: This seems pretty reasonable. But it can't possibly be the case! If you take me, I've got two parents. My parents have two parents themselves, so this means that three generations ago, four people are needed to eventually produce me. Another generation back, we're eight people, and five generations ago gives me sixteen ancestors! Utahraptor: And if you go back a 1500 years or so, say, fifty-five generations? T-Rex: That's exactly the problem! T-Rex: At fifty-five generations I've got over TEN QUADRILLION grandparents all running around at the same time! Man! There's NO WAY there was room for that. Utahraptor: Ah, but you're assuming everyone's sexing up a total genetic stranger. If you sex up a relative, any child produced will have fewer grandparents! T-Rex: ...Huh! So the fact that there weren't ten quadrillion people 1500 years ago SCIENTIFICALLY PROVES that some of my ancestors liked sexing it up with their cousins!! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...Huh.

another productive day!

T-Rex: Alright everyone, wizards use magic words to cast spells, right? This is like the main thing that wizards do. Here's a hot tip: T-Rex: NEVER SLEEP WITH A WIZARD. T-Rex: I'm not even talking about the sex thing, which might be great! I don't know! I've never sexed up a wizard! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex it sounded like you were going to give us some advice, but instead you segued into confessions about your personal sexual history. T-Rex: Man! T-Rex: That happens ALL THE TIME T-Rex: Anyway, my point is: people sometimes talk in their sleep! Utahraptor: And wizards cast spells orally! T-Rex: EXACTLY. Wizards change the world with their words, and some people talk in their sleep without even realizing it. Why take the chance? You could wake up turned into a couch or something, and would that be awesome? No, it wouldn't. People would put their butts on you. Gross. Narrator: LATER, T-REX MEETS A REAL WIZARD: T-Rex: The fact that you exist in real life means that I TOTALLY wasn't wasting my time today talking about the issues involved in sleeping with you!! May I just say: T-Rex (punchline): Yessssss

let's not kid ourselves; it's always an exciting time to be saying "forsooth"

T-Rex: In the 1300s, the regular chicks and dudes in England were speaking what we'd call "Middle English", a rapidly developing alternative to the Latin and French used in religion and government. T-Rex: It was an exciting time to be saying "Forsooth"! T-Rex: And some of these dudes were big into English being developed as a "real" language, particularly one John Wycliffe, who decided to translate the Bible - one of, if not THE most important book of his time - into casual English. This would allow John's less educated countrymen to read it, since, as it'd been written in Latin since the 5th century, currently required either formal education or a priest to interpret it for you! T-Rex: But when they started translating, they ran into some problems! Utahraptor: Papal resistance? T-Rex: That, but also a lot of English words they needed didn't exist yet! So John invented them, and we still use his "behemoth", "puberty", and "zeal". But he also needed a word for "intestines", and the phrase he came up with - FOR THE BIBLE, I REMIND YOU - was "arse ropes". Utahraptor: Hilarious! T-Rex (punchline): And that brings us to today's Proof We're Not Living In The Best Of All Possible Worlds! Parchment scroll: "Doctors never talk about inflammation of the arse ropes"

later after that: t-rex, using a pseudonym, publishes a whole series of picture books in which puppies break their legs and then get fired

T-Rex: The saddest thing I can imagine is a kid who's very sick, but who still loves to play marbles in the park! He's got a mobile IV, and one day it gets stuck in a storm drain on his way to the park, and in trying to free it, he loses all his marbles in the sewer. T-Rex: Aww! I'm sorry, imaginary dude! Dromiceiomimus: That is pretty sad, T-Rex! If you want some advice, my secret to making things sad has always been in filling out the background details. If the parents gave the kid the marbles BEFORE he got sick, and if this simple luxury was the last they could afford before the medical bills started coming in, that makes it more sad, I think! T-Rex: It's true! Huh! Thanks for the advice, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: And you could make it even sadder by turning the boy into a puppy! T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: A puppy! My secret to sadness has always been to take something sad, and then imagine it's happening to a poor little puppy dog with a broken leg. T-Rex: It TOTALLY works! I just thought that losing a job would be sad, but a poor little injured puppy losing its job? That's heartbreaking! Narrator: LATER: T-REX TURNS UP THE CHARM! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I've come up with a new saddest thing ever! Off panel: What's that, T-Rex? T-Rex (punchline): A universe where we never became friends. T-Rex and off panel: Awww!

[whispering] you've hurt yourself, little girl! i'll kiss it better come closer

T-Rex: I've come across a way of making any otherwise-simple sentence sinister and creepy! The secret is simple: T-Rex: The secret is whispering! T-Rex: It works as follows: assume it's your birthday today, Dromiceiomimus. If I were to say, "Happy birthday, Dromiceiomimus!" that would sound normal, yes? Dromiceiomimus: Yes! T-Rex: But check out what happens if I whisper! T-Rex: [tiny] happy birthday dromiceiomimus Dromiceiomimus: Oh my goodness! Utahraptor: Ooh, do it on me! Pretend I got a new shirt or something! T-Rex: Okay, I'll try! T-Rex: [tiny] that shirt looks good on you, utahraptor T-Rex: [tiny] it looks good on your body Utahraptor: Oh wow! T-Rex (punchline): See? Creeeeepy!

warn the children

T-Rex: Raccoons wash their food before they eat it, using their baleful, probing, nimble hands. We used to think they did this because they enjoyed being super adorable! T-Rex: Hah, whoops! MY MISTAKE! T-Rex: I didn't mean to say "adorable"; I meant to say "insanely creepy, washing their food while maintaining unbroken eye contact with you, licking their lips slowly over and over again, thinking only one phrase: 'I EAT DEATH'". T-Rex: Anyway. T-Rex: Then we thought they did it because they didn't have enough saliva and therefore liked their food pre-moistened! T-Rex: But now we think it's because they have sensitive hands! Utahraptor: Sensitive hands? T-Rex: Yeah. Raccoons have these sensitive hands, and they're checking out what they're about to eat, and water helps makes them more sensitive. Utahraptor: Neat! T-Rex: But the POINT is that if you give a raccoon a sugar cube, it'll wash it, and then the sugar will dissolve! HILARIOUS! T-Rex: It is the only way I have left to revenge myself on them, and I don't think they're going to tolerate it for much longer. AND YET, I'M NOT STOPPING! T-Rex (punchline): ...Tell them my story, Utahraptor

AN EASY FIX: i recommend shouting "I HOPE YOU'RE TAKING NOTES!!" while looking wildly around the room

God: T-REX REMEMBER YOUR IDEA OF BEING TRAPPED IN A UNIVERSE TRAVELLING AT RELATIVISTIC SPEED T-Rex: From yesterday? T-Rex: K- T-Rex: Kinda? God: LOOK I'M NO PHYSICIST BUT WHAT IF IT'S THE OPPOSITE God: LIKE WHAT IF INSTEAD THE UNIVERSE EXISTS FOR A LONG TIME AND THEN ANYONE LOOKING IN SEES THINGS MOVING SO SLOWLY THAT A SECOND IN HERE EQUALS A HUNDRED YEARS OUT THERE T-Rex: So someone looking in would see us frozen in time! Whoah! T-Rex: Awww! I like a frozen-in-time universe way better! Utahraptor: I do too! Utahraptor: Our every moment could be studied, observed, and finally - understood. We wouldn't have to worry about making sense of our lives, knowing someone outside is there doing it for us, and that they have all the time in the world. A multi-generational project covering just 30 seconds of my life: how flattering! How wonderful! Narrator: SUDDENLY T-REX RECALLS ALL THE TIMES HE HAS ENJOYED PRIVATE "JUST ME" SEXY TIMES, SOME OF WHICH LASTED WELL OVER 30 SECONDS: T-Rex: Aw geez, aw geez!! T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): Aw geez

remember, t-rex's costume this year is the uncanny valley! he had to make the costume himself because at the store all they had was sexy uncanny valley.

T-Rex: Woo! Hallowe'en! I love Hallowe'en because I love dressing up. T-Rex: I also love LOOKING at people who are dressed up. It's on account of how costumes are awesome! Dromiceiomimus: Hey, have you noticed, T-Rex, how all the women's costumes for sale seem to have added the word "sexy" in front of them? I can't buy a pirate costume; the only ones for sale are "sexy pirates"! And heaven help me if I wanted to go as a nurse. T-Rex: It's true! The only nurse costumes for sale are from Sexy Hospital, MD! Dromiceiomimus: The hospital is a medical doctor? T-Rex: They're that sexy. Utahraptor: But men can still buy regular costumes! T-Rex: That is true! T-Rex: Though I suppose in our haste to deconstruct the societal sexual roles and fantasies made tangible through the mass production of gendered costumes, we're forgetting about genderless costumes, like giant ape suits! Utahraptor: I've seen a sexy giant ape suit. T-Rex: Really? Where? Narrator: SOON! T-Rex (punchline): HOTT

this comic also works if you replace 'hunger' with other emotions, like 'sexy'. has constant sexy robbed you of all identity? then this is the comic for you, my friend!

T-Rex: I wonder: what's the strongest emotion? What's the most powerful emotional experience I can look forward to? T-Rex: NOBODY SAY LOVE! T-Rex: Love isn't allowed because it's TOO OBVIOUS. What's the strongest non-love emotion, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Hate? T-Rex: Okay, hate isn't allowed either on account of how it's ARGUABLY the opposite of love. Dromiceiomimus: Um. Boredom? Utahraptor: I think the strongest feeling is that of shame, T-Rex! T-Rex: A good choice, my friend! T-Rex: But, are you not forgetting the memorable emotion of hunger? Utahraptor: Hunger isn't an emotion. T-Rex: Then why do I suddenly FEEL hungry, hmm? Riddle me that! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE CHILLING "HUNGER UNIVERSE": T-Rex (punchline): Constant hunger has robbed me of all identity.

be it resolved that monocle guys are the new Other

Off panel: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus. T-Rex: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus? T-Rex: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus! T-Rex: It's so great, Dromiceiomimus! It's a real boxing kangaroo with big red boxing gloves, like in the zeitgeist, AND in cartoons! And he boxes a person so hard that they get their hat knocked off and then when they go to pick up their hat, he boxes them in the butt!! T-Rex: WE HAVE TO GO. Dromiceiomimus: Okay! Utahraptor: Did I just hear you say T-Rex and Utahraptor: "boxing kangaroo"?! T-Rex: You sure did! Dromiceiomimus and I are going! You should come. You should come because the kangaroo is going to solve his problems with his fists, and when he's done his problems are gonna be solved RIGHT IN THE FACE. Utahraptor: Heck, I'm not busy. Let's go right now! Narrator: AT THE CIRCUS: T-Rex: Hah hah! What's the matter, monocle guy? You don't like being boxed by a kangaroo?? Off panel: I'm not allowed to punch back because that would be animal cruelty! T-Rex (punchline): Hah! Monocle guy! The kangaroo just punched off your monocle!!

NEW ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: THE RESTRAINT TO NOT ACTUALLY PUT "BITCHES" IN EVERY PANEL EVEN THOUGH I TOTALLY COULD'VE

T-Rex: Time for some new punctuation marks, bitches!! T-Rex: And double exclamation marks don't count, bitches!! Dromiceiomimus: I thought we'd agreed - on your urging, actually - that we'd all be saying "bitches" less. T-Rex: That's right, britches!! Dromiceiomimus: See, that's still basically "bitches". T-Rex: I concede the point easily, backstitches!! Utahraptor: so, new punctuation marks? T-Rex: Yes! New punctuation marks! T-Rex: Okay, so I want one that conveys all the sass of saying "x, bitches!!" without the casual cussing and for any value of x. I want punctuation that when read causes all readers - regardless of who or when they are - to whisper a frank and awed "oh snap!" Utahraptor: So invent it and convince everyone it's a good idea! T-Rex: Utahraptor, were you using my new punctuation there? Did you mean to convey "Convince everyone it's a good idea, bitches!!"? Off panel: Nope! T-Rex: Okay! T-Rex (punchline): It's just - I don't really know what it sounds like yet

gaze upon my special effects, ye mighty, and despair

Narrator: THE UTAHRAPTOR IN: Narrator: THE MIND-CONTROL RAY T-Rex: Dear God! T-Rex: The Utahraptor's mind-control ray experiment: it finally succeeded! T-Rex: It gives him dominion over the minds of men, and his absolute power has corrupted him, absolutely! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, he's going around making people give him all their money! T-Rex: Somehow - SOMEHOW - we've got to stop him! The fate of the free world depends on it! Utahraptor: T-Rex! Give me all your money! T-Rex: NO! You'll never get away with this! [bright white ray with pink halo shoots from Utahraptor's hand] Utahraptor: Maybe this mind-control ray I've hidden in the palm of my hand will make you change your mind? T-Rex: I - T-Rex: ALL THE MONEY Narrator: LATER THE UTAHRAPTOR USES THE MIND-CONTROL RAY ON HIMSELF, AND BECOMES... A KINDER PERSON! T-Rex (punchline): Thanks for the cookies!

writing is hard

T-Rex: Okay, it's time for a TRUE horror story, for reals this time. Prepare yourself to be SO TERRIFIED that your mind breaks; prepare to be reduced to GIBBERING MADNESS! T-Rex: Prepare to lose your job for gibbering madness all the time! T-Rex: Prepare to rely on our social safety net and go on welfare. PREPARE FOR YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TO CHANGE as soon as you read my chilling words of blinding insanity and congealed terror, safely printed on non-toxic paper that you read while holding the book at a reasonable distance! Dromiceiomimus: Okay! I've prepared for all those things, T-Rex. Utahraptor: Yeah, let's hear your story! We're all hella prepared for terror and madness. T-Rex: Okay, but I warned you! T-Rex: Ahem. One day a murderer went crazy and sliced people in half until they DIED. He killed everyone in town and then he turned to the camera and said he'd kill YOU, the reader!! T-Rex: THE END!! Off panel: ...Are you looking for feedback? T-Rex (punchline): ARE YOU LOOKING FOR MORE HORROR? T-Rex and off panel: Not really I guess

if you don't think power ballads are the best sort of ballads then maybe you ought to read panel one again

T-Rex: Hey, here's a fact! Power ballads are the best sort of ballads. FACT. Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS Narrator: today's songs: Narrator: POWER BALLADS Narrator: "I'VE HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE" T-Rex: Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes have had the times of their respective lives! They're each the one thing the other can't get enough of - this could be love, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: Okay, but they've probably both felt this way before. T-Rex: NEVER!! Narrator: "I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT" Utahraptor: It's pretty much all in the title. Dude died tonight. In your arms! T-Rex: INTENSE! Narrator: "TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART" T-Rex: Once upon a time Bonnie Tyler was falling in love, but now she's only falling apart! Utahraptor: Is there anything she can do? T-Rex: Hello?? It's a total eclipse of the heart! Utahraptor: Ah, so there's nothing she can do. Narrator: "I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS" T-Rex: Lou Gramm wants to know what love is. He also wants to feel what love is. Finally, he wants YOU to show him what love is. T-Rex (punchline): Lou Gramm, ladies and gentlemen!

what if... there were dinosaurs so nude it was non-canon

Narrator: HALLOWE'EN NIGHT! T-Rex: HEY UTAHRAPTOR! I'M DRESSED UP AS MYSELF FROM THREE YEARS AGO! I'M NAKED THOUGH T-Rex: I, UH, SPENT A LOT OF TIME NUDE THREE YEARS AGO Dromiceiomimus: YO YO T-REX WHAT IS UP T-Rex: OH HEY DROMICEIOMIMUS I SEE YOU'RE NAKED AND SHOUTING TOO T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: HAPPY HALLOWE'EN Narrator: THE END Narrator: HALLOWE'EN MORNING AFTER! Utahraptor: Hallowe'en is over but I'm still without clothes! T-Rex: Me too! T-Rex: Man, what a crazy night Hallowe'en was, huh? Here we are, two naked dudes, hanging out. Utahraptor: Not that it bothers us. T-Rex: Nope! But once you see how totally naked we are, you can't really unsee it, huh? T-Rex: It's like the old saying goes! "Let this image burn into your retina, so that you may gaze upon it endlessly, even when your eyes be closed" T-Rex (punchline): ...Never really understood it till now

also can i get the $5 you owe me for the subs i bought us at lunch last week: THE BOOK

Book cover: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP BUYING T-REX'S RELATIONSHIP BOOKS Book cover: is it because he's on the cover? that's the only reason i can think of Book cover: WELL HERE HE IS Book cover: a book by utahraptor T-Rex: WHAT T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, Utahraptor put me on his friggin' book! It's got me on the cover and it makes me look like I wrote it even though the title is just pure sass. It is pure SASSY MOLASSY. Dromiceiomimus: Um, why don't you talk to him about it? T-Rex: I will! Right after I stomp on a few things to work off my anger, that is! Utahraptor: Hey buddy! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. T-Rex: The mere sight of you has returned my anger! Why did you put out that book? Utahraptor: What book? T-Rex (punchline): SOMEONE put out sass-ass book, and it said it was by Utahraptor! Utahraptor: It wasn't me, man! Let me see. Maybe there's a clue to who really did it. Book cover: THAT LAST BOOK WAS PUT OUT BY DROMICEIOMIMUS, NOT BY ME OR UTAHRAPTOR Book cover: what the heck, dromiceiomimus Book cover: when will we pick up the phone to talk about this rather than going through publishing companies, is my question

it is the new last sentence of every novel in t-rex's library, a handwritten yet canonical last-minute addition

T-Rex: "Amelia and Antonio Tony decided to no longer have sex! This was some pretty exceptional character development. They both said the next few days were going to be intense. They said this during their now-copious free time." T-Rex: "'Copious sounds like copulation', ejaculated Antonio!" T-Rex: "It was a stupid observation to make. Plus, using 'ejaculated' to mean 'said suddenly' went out of style with corsets and growing your own pigs and four-digit years that start with '18'". Dromiceiomimus: But Antonio didn't say that, you did. The narrator used "ejaculated". T-Rex: "Nobody listen to Dromiceiomimus!" Utahraptor: So... this is a - collaborative story? T-Rex: "said Utahraptor, understanding dawning like a real dawn does." Utahraptor: Okay. Antonio flicked his cigarette into the fireplace and glared back at the cop. "Amelia can't be dead. I saw her this morning." T-Rex: "'Yep, she's not dead!' said the cop. 'I guess I forgot that when I said she was dead before.'" Utahraptor: Tony felt the cold steel of the gun in his pocket. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: "Antonio Tony remembered he didn't murder anyone!" Off panel: Then he remembered that he did! BLOOD GOT EVERYWHERE T-Rex: "Suddenly this was all a dream and everyone was sexual again, THE END." T-Rex (punchline): ...That's not a bad ending; I gotta say.

"how do cities get so smelly, and how come too": the new york times investigates

Narrator: HOW DO CITIES? T-Rex: What? T-Rex: How do cities what? T-Rex: How do cities... get built? Thrive? Grow? Manage disparate community interests?? Dromiceiomimus: How do cities get food in 'em? T-Rex: How do cities get so smelly, and how come too?? Utahraptor: Hello! How do [you do,] cities? T-Rex: How do [you defeat the boss with the wizard sword,] cities? T-Rex: Look, we should just admit it: we're in over our heads here. If someone ever asks us "how do cities" again we'll just reply with "Quite well thanks" and drop the mic and leave. Utahraptor: We'll have to carry a mic with us at all times. T-Rex: "Have to?" Dude. "GET to." Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hello, I am interested in purchasing drop-resistant microphones in bulk? Off panel: Ah, sir is clearly a connoisseur of the emerging art of prop-based physical punctuation. T-Rex (punchline): SIR WAS BORN FOR THIS, YO

can you imagine a digestive system running in "full reverse"? it's either entirely horrible, or it's comedy bronze, silver and gold.

Narrator: HI! HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT COULD GO RIGHT TODAY! T-Rex: Yes! Unbridled optimism appears to be the order of the day! Narrator: YOUR RESPIRATION MIGHT BE UNINTERRUPTED! T-Rex: Nice! Narrator: YOUR CIRCULATORY SYSTEM MIGHT NOT SUFFER CATASTROPHIC FAILURE, LEAVING EVERY ONE OF THE CELLS INSIDE YOUR BODY TO SILENTLY DIE! T-Rex: Excellent! Go, circulatory system! T-Rex: Keep on not suffering catastrophic failures! Narrator: YOUR BRAIN MIGHT NOT STOP FUNCTIONING IN A WAY WE CANNOT DIAGNOSE. T-Rex: I love it when that doesn't happen! Utahraptor: Me too! Narrator: AND FINALLY, YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM MIGHT NOT START RUNNING IN "FULL REVERSE" T-Rex: Hah! Wow, I - I don't even know what form that would take. T-Rex and Utahraptor: But at least it hasn't happened yet!! T-Rex: Wait a minute, that brain one is ambiguous! Do you mean my brain might NOT stop functioning, or that it might CONTINUE to function in an undiagnosable way? Narrator: THE TIME FOR QUESTIONS IS OVER. NOW IS THE TIME FOR UNBRIDLED OPTIMISM T-Rex (punchline): okay

is there a message in my doing a comic about 'singularity' on valentine's day? that seems like a bit of a stretch! you are probably overthinking things.

T-Rex: A singularity refers to a future moment when we create artificial intelligences that are smarter than we are. It's called this because things will be so different, it's impossible to predict past it. Everything will change! T-Rex: For instance: these smart machines could make even smarter machines! T-Rex: And so on until we have super duper smart machines that will look on us as mere playthings. Will they destroy us? Or will we merge ourselves with technology, and in doing so become a new, more cybernetic lifeform? Our choices seem limited to either becoming something new, or facing irrelevance and obsolescence! Utahraptor: So why does a super intelligent AI make predictions impossible? T-Rex: Because too much has changed! T-Rex: Also because we're too dumb. It'd be like a dog trying to predict what its owner does. Utahraptor: I think most dogs can do that with some accuracy, T-Rex. T-Rex: Right. Well - I've never really been one for "apt analogies". Narrator: T-REX IS TELLING THE TRUTH: T-Rex: Check it! Eating food in bed is like - a crappy duck? T-Rex (punchline): What the heck, everyone?

not me

T-Rex: I'm going to write my autobiography! But rather than writing it myself, T-Rex: I'm going to get lots of other people to write it for me! Dromiceiomimus: Then, wouldn't that be a "biography"? T-Rex: I guess so. But different! Everybody I know gets to write one chapter, and they don't see what other people wrote until the book is published! Utahraptor: This sounds like fun, T-Rex! T-Rex: I think it will be, and flattering too! Utahraptor: Flattering? What if everyone writes the same complaint? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Yeah, what if we all say "He's good, but he smells funny on Tuesdays"? T-Rex: What? I don't smell funny on Tuesdays!! T-Rex (punchline): Who smells funny on a specific day of the week?

sounds like a good friday night!

T-Rex: I have kissed a lady. I have seen PLENTY of beautiful sunsets. I've even driven a car through a fruit stand during a car chase! T-Rex: ...What's left? T-Rex: This, my friends, is the malaise of the glutton at life's buffet, The Man Who Achieved Too Much Too Soon. He looks ahead, his life not half over, and sees no more frontiers to conquer, no more challenges, no more surprises! All that remains is a slow slide into compromise and old age, the long December spent waiting for the day his mind and body finally fail. T-Rex: Then: death! Utahraptor: Hah! We're seriously talking about you here? Utahraptor: Hey, here's some things you've never done! You've never tried fugu, punched out a ghost, gotten married, eaten your way out of a whale, gone heli-skiing, or been shot at by a criminal, but then ran around the bullets at super speed, grabbed the criminal, and then ran back at super speed so that he could be shot by his own bullets. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS DONE THESE THINGS: T-Rex: Well! T-Rex (punchline): I guess I could do them in ORDER...

in the future t-rex and reginald team up to bury the diamonds, this is my PREDICTION FOR TWENTY TEN

T-Rex: So all my talk about the entire universe being a simulation ignored one pretty big question, which is this: T-Rex: Why simulate an entire universe when you can just simulate one awesome dude? T-Rex: Let's assume that if we're simulating universes, we're doing it for a reason. Sure, SOME simulations would be the whole universe, but that's complicated and expensive! Why simulate boring microbes galaxies away if we're just interested in one dude on Earth? And why simulate this one dude at all, unless you're trying to find out more about him and his life, get inside his head, perhaps.. FIND OUT WHERE HE BURIED THE DIAMONDS?? Utahraptor: You're proposing simulations be used for historical research! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: And since MY consciousness is the only one I can confirm, it means that outside this simulation, in my REAL life, I did something SO RAD that people are still trying to figure it out. You're here to ensure I act like I did before, and perhaps, at the end, to ask me - Utahraptor: WHERE DID YOU BURY THE DIAMONDS?? T-Rex: *gasp* Off panel: ALSO, WHEN PRECISELY WILL YOU GIVE ALL YOUR MONEY TO UTAHRAPTOR?? FUTURE GENERATIONS ARE STILL, UM, STUMPED. T-Rex (punchline): *gasp*

if the inanimate object that kills you is big enough then instead of an "accident" they call it an "act of God", which should tell you everything you need to know about this universe

T-Rex: One universe over, people's bodies aren't on teams with their minds. Instead, their bodies actually SABOTAGE them. Different body parts can fail whenever, with this chance of failure increasing over time until it reaches 100%! T-Rex: They call this process, "aging"! T-Rex: And "aging" affects everyone! The greatest of them "age" just as quickly as even the suckiest of dudes. No, wait! BETTER IDEA! SOMETIMES, a sucky dude will live a super long time and a truly great dude's body will poot out early on. So it's really unfair and unpredictable! T-Rex: WAY better for dramatic tension. Utahraptor: But "aging" isn't the only way to die, right? T-Rex: Hah! Absolutely not! T-Rex: Basically, every single other thing in the universe can kill 'em too. Even inanimate objects! Seriously! Inanimate objects literally kill people here. Whenever an inanimate object pulls that off, they call it an "accident". Utahraptor: Does the inanimate object go to jail? T-Rex: RARELY IF EVER. T-Rex: Okay so the twist was that this universe is actually our universe, but in retrospect that was obvious and I'm sad now so - PEACE OUT, SUCKERS!! T-Rex (punchline): I PREFER TO BE SAD ALONE SO GET USED TO THAT IF WE'RE GONNA BE FRIENDS, SUCKERS!!

'CAUSE THEY'RE DINOSAURS, RIGHT??

Narrator: THE PROBLEM WITH RELATIONSHIPS T-Rex: The problem with relationships is that they involve more than one person! And here's the thing... T-Rex: ...what if one of the people involved is a jerk? T-Rex: They can jerk the whole thing up! What's up with them? Dromiceiomimus: Yeah! What IS up with the jerks? T-Rex: I wish I knew!! T-Rex: I - T-Rex: I wish I knew. Utahraptor: You know who this reminds me of? Jake! T-Rex: Oh man, Jake! T-Rex: He was the biggest jerk! Do you remember when I asked him if I could borrow his pencil sharpener, and he said "no" and then hid it from me? He jerked up that relationship but good! Utahraptor: I don't think I was there for that. T-Rex: Huh! I wonder what he's up to these days? Off panel: I'm up to about 6 feet, dudes! T-Rex: Jake! Your sudden appearance coupled with your hilarious one-liner has made me forget all your previous slights against me! T-Rex (punchline): ...How come you're so short?

IT'S BEEN THAT SORT OF MONTH

T-Rex: There are some people who identify not as gay or straight or bisexual or what have you, but rather as asexual. I find this really interesting! T-Rex: It must be so different! T-Rex: Some don't find themselves sexually attracted to anyone, while others do, but find all they want in friendship and have no desire to add kissing to the mix. Dromiceiomimus: And you find this interesting? T-Rex: I do, because it's so far removed from my own experience. I'm ALL ABOUT adding kissing to the mix! It's what I do best! Utahraptor: Have you ever met any asexual people, T-Rex? T-Rex: Nope! Utahraptor: It's just - I can't get over the feeling that you're treating asexuality like an amusing trinket, rather than a real sexual orientation. T-Rex: Well - it's a fine line! I'm not asexual myself, so there's a distance between myself and the material. But I am trying. Narrator: T-REX DECIDES NOT TO KISS ANYONE FOR A MONTH TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE: T-Rex: I feel - fine! Focused! T-Rex (punchline): Heck, I probably wasn't going to kiss anyone this month ANYWAY.

attention everyone: i agree with panels one through two. splinter did good by those turtle boys.

Narrator: THINGS T-REX HAS DESCRIBED AS "NEAT": AGE 8: NINJA TURTLES T-Rex: Hah, I sure did describe ninja turtles as being neat! Splinter taught them to be ninja teams! What's not neat about that? T-Rex: HE GAVE THEM THE TOOLS THEY NEEDED FOR LIFE SUCCESS. Narrator: AGE 22: KISSING FINGERTIPS T-Rex: What? No, I never said that! It's not true!! Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah! "Hey baby, I'm T-Rex! Can *I* kiss your fingertips?" T-Rex: I never said that, Dromiceiomimus! You'd better not have quotation marks around that!! Narrator: AGE 23: KISSING ELBOWS Utahraptor: Into the 'bows, I see! T-Rex: I'M NOT! This is an unreliable narrator! Narrator: AGE 24: KISSING BUMS T-Rex: Total sass. Utahraptor: Is it the curve of bums that you like, or is it the wide plain of flesh? T-Rex: Oh my God. TOTAL SASS. Narrator: AGE 30: KISSING BUMS ON HIS ELBOWS T-Rex: I'm not even 30 years old! Narrator: YOU'LL SAY IT IN THE FUTURE T-Rex (punchline): Maybe "bums" refers to our nation's homeless persons? Narrator: NOPE CAN'T SAY THAT IT DOES

it's always good to check

T-Rex: You know how sometimes you wonder what your life would be like, if only you made some decisions differently? T-Rex: Well, I intend to find out! T-Rex: It'll be great! I'll move to a new town and START OVER. Then every chance I have, I'll make the other decision: the one I didn't make the first time! T-Rex: It'll be great! And if things turn out worse with these new decisions, well then - lesson learned! I'll just move back here and never speak of it again. T-Rex: Then it's settled: I'll move to a new town, make new friends, and start a whole new identity! Utahraptor: Why? T-Rex: "Why"? Utahraptor: Yeah, "why", as in, "Why move away and start life again?" What, did you commit some horrible crime? T-Rex: Ha ha! T-Rex: NO, I didn't commit some horrible crime! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Right?

t-rex is so shocked that he actually runs away from dromiceiomimus, and she is forced to follow him to verify her story. that is pretty darned shocked!

T-Rex: Oh my gosh! I could spend weekends somewhere else under an assumed name! Two towns over, I could be known as... PUNCHES MALONE. Narrator: T-REX HAS THE BEST IDEA EVER COMICS Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure how serious you are, T-Rex, but it's a great idea! Two towns over I'M known as "Ornithomimus J. Edmontonicus". T-Rex: Seriously? Dromiceiomimus: I wear a top hat and monocle. T-Rex: SERIOUSLY?? Utahraptor: Oh man, is she serious? T-Rex: Is she being totally serious to our faces right now?? T-Rex: I mean, there's no reason why it couldn't be true, right? It would just mean that Dromiceiomimus has been LIVING the friggin' DREAM while we've been sitting around, NOT cultivating sweet double lives. Utahraptor: We need to go two towns over and start building our own alter egos! Off panel: You guys, I also carry a cane with a skull on the top and wear a jacket made of the finest feathers. T-Rex: Utahraptor, come back! T-Rex (punchline): I hate to make up words, but reality just got even more awesometasticerest!!

the asteroid, not the planet. well, either one is super manly actually

T-Rex: Guys! There's a VOLUNTARY EXTINCTION movement. If we can decide to all stop havin' babies, then we can choose to go extinct!! T-Rex: It probably sounded like a good idea at the time? T-Rex: Then again, our actions, as a people, HAVE been responsible for untold thousands of involuntary extinctions around the world - which could all be avoided in the future by voluntarily offering ourselves up instead! The final generation gets to spend everyone's life savings and throw a totally wicked party, and the last one out turns off the lights. The end! Utahraptor: You sound like you're actually convincing yourself that this is a good idea! T-Rex: I am, a little! Utahraptor: Okay, but one could argue that the intelligent life we represent is something that could be ENTIRELY UNIQUE in the Universe. That's worth preserving! T-Rex: Yeah, maybe. I think I still need some more convincing. Utahraptor: *sigh* Utahraptor: ...Fine. Off panel: We shouldn't choose to go extinct because if an asteroid threatens the planet, we're the only ones with enough Science to blow it up. T-Rex: !! T-Rex (punchline): HECK YES

you also need a spacesuit to go to the moon. and a rocketship. you need a rocketship, and a spacesuit, and a sausage.

T-Rex: I just realized that no women have ever been to the moon! ONLY DUDES. DUDES WHO RETURNED AS MEN. T-Rex: Apparently, you need a sausage to get on the moon! Dromiceiomimus: Wait - that's actually correct, isn't it? The moon totally IS an old boys' club! T-Rex: Yep! I know we're being sensationalistic here, since there's only been thirteen people on the moon EVER, and that's a pretty small sample size. But still! No women! No grandmothers! NO SULLEN TEENS (FEMALE). Just men! T-Rex: Also: no asians? T-Rex: Is there a reason why all the Apollo missions were crewed by dudes? Utahraptor: Um, it was the 60s? T-Rex: I guess! And I guess you could make an argument for "sexy is distracting, ON THE MOON." But sexy is distracting everywhere! You know? Utahraptor: I suppose this legacy of sexism will be with us until we, as a people, finally return to the moon with chicks. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Excuse me, sir! Would you like to buy a button that reads "RETURN TO THE MOON, AND DON'T FORGET THE CHICKS THIS TIME"? Off panel: Will this button TRULY change the world? T-Rex (punchline): It may, sir!

this goes out to my driver instructor years ago who on the first day of class said "nobody fails the course", and when someone said "what if I fail the final exam and then i don't get my license, this class is a rip off" he said, "i'll say it again: everyone gets an A." then he put on a video of car crashes.

Narrator: T-REX'S DRIVING CLASS T-Rex: Thank you all for your interest in my driving class. This class will cost you $100 but you'll make it up in reduced insurance rates. Also, you won't be a terrible driver. T-Rex: So, there's that too! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus here will be responsible for the basic rules of the road: when to go, when to stop, when to rush into an intersection because your light's friggin' GREEN even though traffic's moving so slowly that there's no possible way you'll be out of the intersection before you block traffic. Dromiceiomimus: You should never do that, class. T-Rex: See? WRITE THAT DOWN. T-Rex: Utahraptor will be responsible for teaching you what to do in a merge lane! Utahraptor: Indeed I will! Utahraptor: And the lesson is simple: DON'T just speed down the lane so you can butt in at the front of the line. T-Rex: If you do pull off that dick move, I am sorry, but I will end you. People will find your body and say "Dear lord! Was he a dick at merging? Probably, huh?" T-Rex: Finally, just as my driving instructor did before me, I'm going to end the course with a pitch for my multi-level marketing herbal weight-loss pill pyramid scheme. T-Rex (punchline): Hark! The circle of incredibly sketchy driving instructors is complete!

he wants her to think that she raised him right

T-Rex: I demand instant gratification! Narrator: SECONDS LATER... T-Rex: I'm not gratified! T-Rex: Maybe instant gratification isn't- T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! How long have you been standing there?! Dromiceiomimus: Long enough! Narrator: POSTSCRIPT: THE NEXT DAY Utahraptor: I'm T-Rex and I demand instant gratification! T-Rex: Those were my private thoughts! She had no right to tell you! Utahraptor: Hah hah hah! It's good gossip! T-Rex: Ha ha, I guess I was being kind of silly! T-Rex (punchline): Listen though, don't tell my mom, okay?

god's just checking in

God: T-REX IT'S BEEN A WHILE T-Rex: God! How's it going? God: OH YOU KNOW SAME OLD SAME OLD T-Rex: Good to hear it! God: YEAH IT LOOKS LIKE THINGS ARE OKAY WITH YOU TOO T-Rex: Yep! Things are pretty okay! T-Rex: So, um, any particular reason why we're talking? God: YOU KNOW JUST CHECKING IN WITH MY MAIN MAN Utahraptor: Somebody stole my bike, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh no! God: DON'T WORRY GUYS I'M ON THE CASE T-Rex: Don't worry! God and I will help look for your bike! Utahraptor: Well, with God on the case, it will be returned for sure! One giant hand reaching down from the sky, with bike, coming up! God: TELL HIM I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE T-Rex (punchline): He doesn't do that anymore! God: MY HAND GETS SORE

What's that, Wikipedia? You say that in speculative fiction or counterfactual historical analysis, 'Australasia' is used to describe an alternate history Australia and New Zealand which agreed to political union at Australian federation in 1901, rather than seeking divergent British Empire Dominion status in 1901 and 1907 respectively?

T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus is going away for a three-week trip! I will miss her but I know she will have a good time. T-Rex: She trips to the storied landmass of AUSTRALASIA! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Are you ready for your trip to the storied landmass of Australasia? Dromiceiomimus: Yes! I guess I'll see you in a few weeks... T-Rex: Yep! I'll miss you, Dromiceiomimus. I hope this trip brings you nothing but happy surprises, memorable occurances, and unexpected, but welcomed, smooches. Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus comes back today! I'm so happy I could step on a tiny woman! Utahraptor: Hooray! Utahraptor: Hooray for her coming back, not hooray for you stepping on a tiny woman to express excitement. T-Rex: Now we are clear! And yet, I still want to step on more tiny women!! Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] i guess she didn't get me any souvenirs

UPON CLOSER INSPECTION I ALSO FEAR UNFAIR REGIONAL RELEASE DATES IN MY AREA BUT WE MUST CHOOSE OUR BATTLES

T-Rex: What we think is good is relative! It changes between individuals, cultures AND over time. Some people think grapes are great, some people hate them with an intensity that scares even the Devil. Devil: I FEAR NAUGHT BUT SAVE FILE CORRUPTION T-Rex: 500 years ago a song wouldn't be good if some dude talked all over the music! T-Rex: But today some dude talking over the music is exactly what rap is - and not only do people think it's really good, but rappers DELIGHT in it! T-Rex: ...Did you see what I did there, Dromiceiomimus? T-Rex: Rapper's Delight? T-Rex: It's a song T-Rex: Anyway, "goodness" is an unstable, inconsistent and unreliable measure. Utahraptor: So? T-Rex: So, why are we SO CONCERNED if something is good or not? It's relative! It's an OPINION. We should judge things by something we can objectively measure: POPULARITY. Utahraptor: Oh god T-Rex: YES. From now on, I don't care if something is good. I just care if it's popular! T-Rex: In other news! T-Rex (punchline): Did you know that I have LITERALLY DOZENS of friends on Facebook?

it goes on like that for like forty minutes.

T-Rex: What I miss is scenes in movies where people would be yelling at each other, and then they'd both stop, stare at each other for a beat, and then they'd be making out! WHY DOES THAT NOT HAPPEN ANYMORE? It was awesome! T-Rex: (It was seriously awesome!) T-Rex: And time was it was a necessary feature in every great movie - just like car chases are today! You could go into a theatre and be GUARANTEED the slap across the face / smooch on the lips combo, SOMETIMES even before the opening credits were over. It was good times! I like the car chases, of course, but I miss the nuance of the old topos. Great actors would bring such subtlety to the face slap - such pathos to the ensuing makeouts! Utahraptor: I missed the "car chases are necessary in every great movie today" memo! T-Rex: Necessary AND sufficient! T-Rex: And like I said, they're fantastic, but they don't lend themselves to the smooches. Today's actors COULD yell at each other and then make out during a car chase, but they never do. Utahraptor: Never? T-Rex (punchline): Well, I keep waiting. Narrator: THE ULTIMATE MOVIE: Off panel: You're a bastard! Off panel: No, YOU'RE a bastard! Off panel: *smooch smooch smooch* Off panel: Wait, I need to focus on the road!!

YES I KNOW 'MUCHAS' IS NOT THE CORRECT GENDER OF THE WORD BUT THAT'S JUST HOW WE ROLL

Narrator: T-REX HAS AUDITIONED FOR A PLAY. HE BELIEVES THE AUDITION WENT WELL, BUT HAS NOT BEEN AWARDED A PART. Narrator: LET'S WATCH! T-Rex: Rejected?! T-Rex: The heck?! I was way better than most of the people there! It's discrimination! Dromiceiomimus: Aww, I'm sorry, T-Rex! But how do you know it's discrimination? T-Rex: I was told that "someone of my *ahem* 'stature' didn't belong under stage lights". For crying out loud! Utahraptor: I'm sorry too, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's so aggravating! T-Rex: They wanted a short orange guy and I gave them a tall green guy, and they threw me to the curb! Utahraptor: I understand, and it's difficult to deal with! But sometimes actors do have to look the part they're playing. Narrator: LATER T-REX GOES OUT TO DINNER WITH FRIENDS: T-Rex (punchline): That was muchas delicious but did little to resolve the disparate issues raised by today's events!

alternate last line: t-rex just says 'damn, dude! diggity daaaaaamn!!' THE END

T-Rex: I have another genius plan for immortality! God: BUT THOSE PLANS NEVER WORK T-REX T-Rex: This time for sure! T-Rex: I will be remembered in the CULTURAL ZEITGEIST. And this time I won't even have to do anything memorable! I will simply become famous by virtue of my being famous. I will construct a synthetic celebrity and I will reap the benefits! Dromiceiomimus: But won't you be remembered as someone that nobody actually liked? T-Rex: I am hoping to be remembered as "the dude with the confusing allure". Utahraptor: So how do you become famous in the first place, then? T-Rex: Huh? T-Rex: Oh, I must have explained it poorly. I'll just act like I'm famous, you know, get people to react to me like I'm famous, and then kapow! We have CRITICAL MASS for actual fame. Utahraptor: And I'm the guy who's going to be asked to act like you're famous? T-Rex: You guess correctly!! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: Wow, is that T-Rex. He's the dude with the confusing allure, and I want to find out more? T-Rex (punchline): Aw, come on!! You're not even punctuating it properly!

it FEATURES corporations, but it also includes regrettable cultural epochs

T-Rex: In order to make things easier for myself AND my peers, I am constructing a personal Enemies of T-Rex List (Enemies List)! T-Rex: Featuring: corporations! T-Rex: First on my list are the people who make those cans of frozen concentrated juice at the grocery store. When I open them, they sometimes explode a little juice on me! T-Rex: I think it's because water expands when it's frozen and so the can is under pressure, and there's a little melted juice at the top? I don't know. But they're on the list! Also: 1970s American popular culture. Utahraptor: Listen T-Rex, are you really sure you want an Enemies List? T-Rex: Why wouldn't I? Utahraptor: Well - it just doesn't seem very charitable, that's all. Plus, if you need a list to remember your enemies, maybe it's better if you just forgave and forgot? Utahraptor: I guess I just don't see what you gain by having such a list, much less a well-publicised one! T-Rex (punchline): Dude! You're coming close to questioning the very IDEA of an enemies list!

'consider the following' comes courtesy of bill nye, the science guy!

T-Rex: I submit that there are a finite number of songs! Therefore, the art of writing music is the art of exploring a closed space of possibility. T-Rex: Consider the following! T-Rex: There are effective limits on what constitutes music. If we take a week as a very generous upper-bound on the length of one song, then we have a temporal limit. Furthermore, since our ears are not able to distinguish between very similar tones, we do not have a continuum of notes, but rather, a finite set. Therefore, there are only so many songs that can be written! Utahraptor: I am forced to disagree with you, my friend! T-Rex: Surely not! Utahraptor: I think that you're omitting many dimensions of song. What about the way it's played, the lyrics? These too can be varied almost indefinitely. T-Rex: Almost, but there are still effective limits, therefore: finite number of songs! Narrator: SHOCK ENDING: T-Rex (punchline): Or are there?

it's the 'but also' that gets you

Narrator: COMICS Narrator: IN WHICH A POINT IS EFFECTIVELY PROVEN BY ANALOGY Narrator: BUT ALSO Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH THE READER LACKS SUFFICIENT CONTEXT BY WHICH TO MAKE THE POINT CLEAR TO HIS OR HER SELF. Utahraptor: Well look at it this way, T-Rex! What's more important in a song: the words or the music? T-Rex: Um - well, they're both important. It's not a song without music, but for most songs, the words are important too. Utahraptor: See my point? T-Rex: [small] hmm... T-Rex (punchline): Oh yeah!

yes, utahraptor calls his bathroom sink whitey. people sometimes call for his sink to be killed?

Narrator: T-REX HAS SNUCK INTO UTAHRAPTOR'S HOUSE AND SWITCHED THE HOT AND COLD PIPES LEADING TO HIS BATHROOM SINK. T-Rex: Tee hee! Narrator: LET'S WATCH! Dromiceiomimus: Isn't that kind of an expensive, elaborate prank, T-Rex? The worst that'll happen is he'll get cold water when he expects hot. T-Rex: Hilarious! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe he'll burn himself a little! T-Rex: COMEDY RELENTLESSLY ENSUES?? Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! What's new? T-Rex: Hey Utahraptor! How's your bathroom sink treating you? Utahraptor: Oh, same old, same old! "The good ol' bathroom sink", you know? Good ol' reliable Whitey! T-Rex: Huh! T-Rex: Well! I guess I'm not a qualified plumber after all! Narrator: BUT, THREE PLUMBING DEGREES LATER! T-Rex: Hey Utahraptor! How's your bathroom sink treating you? Off panel: Whitey's hot and cold pipes got reversed! T-Rex (punchline): Awesome, man! Awesome!!

did you notice how i left the gender of the really attractive friend ambiguous? this is so everyone can enjoy their own mental image. this is because i am a considerate writer who cares about his readers

T-Rex: Dear guy whose car alarm went off last night outside my window at three in the morning: T-Rex: Forget you, man! T-Rex: Your car alarm is ridiculous. Years of trigger-happy alarms have trained the public to ignore them, and nobody would care if your tastelessly noisy car got stolen anyway. If someone had driven off in it last night as the alarm was blaring, I would have applauded him! THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY SENSE OF CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY. Utahraptor: Would you really have been happy if the car got stolen? T-Rex: The honest answer is "heck yes!" T-Rex: I would have smiled as I drifted back to nappy times. But in my defence, I was really tired! Plus, the guy was a jerk. He was all, "Man, if my car gets stolen, I want the WHOLE BLOCK to know! My car is totally important to everybody." Utahraptor: Maybe the alarm came with the car? Narrator: ANYWAY, THEY TALK ABOUT CAR ALARMS FOR A WHILE, UNTIL A REALLY ATTRACTIVE FRIEND OF THEIRS SHOWS UP! T-Rex: Oh man! Let's go to the beach and hang out in flattering swimsuits! Off panel: Sounds like fun, guys! T-Rex (punchline): Now THIS is what I call "an interesting narrative"!

Meteorites can ruin your day but are not enough to hold a planet ransom with," explained Angola, adjusting his cufflinks which are the brand of cufflinks that makes you cool for owning them. "And anyone with enough knowledge of asteroids to redirect their course would also be familiar with these distinctions. I am going on break."

T-Rex: Angola Maldives, the sexy super spy I invented, was yet again on a mission to save the world! T-Rex: Oh no, you guys! T-Rex: An evil mastermind is planning to smash meteors into the planet!! T-Rex: "Ah, then there's nothing to worry about," Angola said while consuming stuff associated with being really cool like mixed drinks that are hard to make and food that's very expensive and doesn't taste as good as a Big Mac anyway, "as a meteor is defined only as the visible streak of light caused by a meteorOID travelling in atmosphere. Some light hitting our planet won't hurt anyone, yo." Utahraptor: "I think he actually meant meteoroid then!!" shouted Angola's boss! T-Rex: "Again, no worries." said Angola. T-Rex: "Most meteorOIDS break up inside atmosphere. It's only meteorITES that ever reach the ground, and the vast majority of those are no larger than a grain of rice." Utahraptor: "Okay. Weird. I guess I'm thinking about asteroids?" said the boss. T-Rex (punchline): "Correct," said Angola. Narrator: THE END Narrator: ANGOLA MALDIVES WILL RETURN

i love how exasperated the movie title guy sounds with all these titles. he's all, "Close Encounters of the Third Friggin' Kind?! What's NEXT?"

T-Rex: Hypothesis: all movie titles can be made better by the addition of the word "Friggin'". T-Rex: Proof by selected examples! T-Rex: Back To The Friggin' Future! T-Rex: Bill And Ted's Excellent Friggin' Adventure; The Ten Friggin' Commandments; Honey, I Shrunk The Friggin' Kids! Dromiceiomimus: What about Gone With The Friggin' Wind, Casa-Friggin'-Blanca, and It's A Friggin' Wonderful Life? T-Rex: Some Like It Friggin' Hot? Utahraptor: Come on, this is all the same joke! T-Rex: DENIED! T-Rex: There is nuance, subtlety in the placement of the Friggin'. Contrast and compare The Friggin' Sound of Music; Guess Who's Coming to Friggin' Dinner; Big Friggin' Trouble in Little Friggin' China; and Yes, Virginia, There Is A Friggin' Santa Claus. Utahraptor: Okay, I think I get it! Off panel: Pride and Friggin' Prejudice. T-Rex: Right on! Off panel: Look Who's Friggin' Talking! T-Rex: Yes!! Off panel: FRIGGIN' THE GHOSTBUSTERS! T-Rex (punchline): ...You're doing it wrong.

this comic could probably be used to entice people to subscribe to an adult website, if you were CRAZY

T-Rex: [thinks] naked people T-Rex: Hot! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, what's your opinion on people who are naked? Dromiceiomimus: I would think that they are hot! T-Rex: I would be forced to agree with you my good lady!! Utahraptor: I too would agree with you re: hot naked people, my friend! Narrator: THE END Narrator: POSTSCRIPT: T-Rex (punchline): Hott!!

I DON'T KNOW HOW I MISSED THAT THE FIRST TIME

T-Rex: I guess I've been pretty lucky to get this far without making any big, life-altering mistakes. I think the biggest mistake I ever made was mixing up some juice from concentrate that had a ladybug in it! Narrator: MISTAKE COMICS Dromiceiomimus: Eww! How did that ever happen? T-Rex: I was experimenting with mixing juice with a blender, and I guess there was a ladybug in the blender? ALL I KNOW is that when the blender turned off and the smoke cleared, my hitherto delicious juice had clearly-identifiable ladybug pieces floating on top. I recall saying "Aw man! My JUICE!" Utahraptor: So - did you drink the juice? T-Rex: No! Of course not! T-Rex: But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about how one bad decision can totally change your life, you know? Lost limbs, broken friendships, unexpected pregnancies with someone you don't really like: stuff like that. Utahraptor: I woulda thought you'd drink the juice. God: I THINK WE'D ALL RATHER HEAR ABOUT THE BUG JUICE T-REX T-Rex (punchline): FINE. It was the worst juice, everyone. It had guts in it! God: HAH HAH HAH God: EWWWWWWWW

they were going to call it 'dinobore' comics originally, but 'dinosnore' came through at the last second

Image description: The comic is in greyscale, and characters have rectangular speech balloons Heading: Paleontology Phunnies Dept. MAD writers: Once in a long while we come across a comic strip that is so mind-bogglingly bad, we can't help but wonder why it isn't already extinct! It's time for a MAD look at... Heading: DINOSNORE COMICS T-Rex: It's a good thing I've come up with some things to talk about today! Otherwise, I could lose my job! T-Rex: Hello Dromiceiolongname! People call me the T-Blech! Dromiceiomimus: Because you're the king of dinosaurs? T-Rex: No! Because I have such bad breath! How could I ever brush my teeth with these tiny arms? Utahraptor: Yo yo, T-Blech! Can you help me and my home dinoz stomp out all the humans? If they don't die out soon, we'll lose the survival competition to these upstart primates, dawg! T-Rex: I'm already on it, Utahrapper! I've been stomping on humans and their houses for months now! Haven't you noticed their population getting smaller? Utahraptor: Yo, I thought I was just getting bigger! T-Rex: That is an interesting philosophical point! Is everything relative? Off panel: Forget it, T-Blech! We've philosophized instead of taking action, and now the humans have won! We'll all be extinct by tomorrow! T-Rex (punchline): Oh well! For some reason I feel as if the world would be better off without us! I only have one fear, Utahrapper: that the humans might one day invent reality television!

the story is called "sherlock holmes and t-rex (the dinosaur with the strange citrine eyes) (it's a gemstone), and also the mystery"

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes playfully hit the shoulder of the figure hunched over his desk. "You aren't writing another one of your stories about me, are you, SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE?" T-Rex: Arthur laughed. "Guilty as charged!" he said! T-Rex: Sherlock knew the stories were popular, but he had to laugh at their inaccuracies. Watson was, of course, pure fiction. He knew Art had to make the substitution because nobody would believe that he was helped on his cases by his real best friend AND adopted son, a giant green Tyrannosaur Rex named T-Rex. Dromiceiomimus: Oh no. T-Rex: "Oh yes!" said Sherlock. "He is my #1 pal and he's smarter than me I am pretty sure." Utahraptor: Suddenly James Moriarty appeared! T-Rex: YES. He was Sherlock's nemesis in real life too. T-Rex: "Hey UNSherlock BLOWmes," laughed Moriarty. "Shut up," said Sherlock, but Moriarty didn't. "Shut up," said T-Rex, and Moriarty DID! There was something about T-Rex's strange citrine eyes that made him afraid - and intrigued. Utahraptor: It's a shame you're not writing this down, because now it'll be lost forever. T-Rex: What? WHAT?! YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TAKING DICTATION?? T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR I'VE BEEN NARRATING STORIES TO YOU FOR NINE YEARS T-Rex (punchline): AAAAAHHHHHHHH

today is the day i literally end a comic with "lol", so if you are good at following instructions, please laugh out loud right... NOW

Narrator: HOW TO REVIEW A BOOK T-Rex: First off, you need to read the book! I know, reading is like watching a movie with the explosions turned off, but just power through! T-Rex: Then you need to choose what you liked about the book! T-Rex: Maybe you liked the characters. Maybe you thought the plot was neato! Maybe your favourite part was some of the words that the author chose to say things with. Mention that in your review! Dromiceiomimus: "I liked the words and the plot was neato skeet-o". T-Rex: ANOTHER A++ REVIEW!! Utahraptor: "I read a book and formed opinions about that". T-Rex: HAVE THIS PULITZER PRIZE!! Utahraptor: "I worry that the standards are too low here, and I'm not challenged to be the best person I can. I don't want to feel like I'm the smartest person in the room. I wanna feel like I'm the dumbest". T-Rex: A++++++ WOULD CONSIDER MY OWN SELF-WORTH AGAIN!! Off panel: Umm... "This book had Batman in it, but Batman is a stupid character for crybabies who poop"? T-Rex: A+++ GOOD REVIEW BUT ENDED OUR FRIENDSHIP FOREVER T-Rex: Alternatively! T-Rex (punchline): A++++ BUT I WILL NOT BE MADE TO FEEL SHAME ABOUT MY BODILY PROCESSES, LOL

the task of producing a cpr-themed cover version is left to you, gentle readers, talented readers, readers who have discovered that if you hover your mouse over comics on the internet, sometimes they tell you to do stuff

T-Rex: Ssh! Come closer! T-Rex: I know yet more secrets! T-Rex: Yet more SECRETS of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! T-Rex: Okay, so let's say you're a dude or lady who often is called upon to perform CPR on someone in cardiac arrest. Nice. YOU'RE A HANDY PERSON TO HAVE AROUND. When performing CPR, you're aiming for 100 chest compressions per minute, but this is an awkward rate to hit. HOWEVER, if you hum Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust", you'll be fine! The song is simple, catchy, memorable, AND has a steady beat that runs, as it turns out, at exactly 100 beats a minute. Utahraptor: So the professional performing CPR on me is thinking "Bum bum bum / Another one bites the dust"? T-Rex: Quite possibly! T-Rex: And if I ever need to perform CPR on you, you can bet I'LL be belting it out at the top of my lungs. Utahraptor: T-Thanks? T-Rex: No worries, man! I've got your back. Listen. It'll be a great show. T-Rex: Although, I MIGHT change the lyrics to "Hey there guys / You know what would be great? / If this guy / would cardiopulmonarily resuscitate" T-Rex (punchline): We share the laughter AND the tears, Utahraptor.

i like how t-rex assumes god would see merit to both sides of the issue. it's fair, i guess!

T-Rex: Intelligent design (or ID) is the idea that while we may begin to understand the Universe through science, it is actually created with divine intent. Evolution is not the chaotic product of random mutations, but rather, intentional. T-Rex: Much as a watch implies a watchmaker, so does our Universe imply divinity! T-Rex: Okay! It's a very nice idea, but it's not science because it's not disprovable: you either believe in intelligent design or you don't, and there's no way to show who's right. That's not science - that's faith! Dromiceiomimus: And should faith be held to the rigors of the scientific method? T-Rex: Of course not! Utahraptor: The issue is that some think ID should be taught in schools as an alternative to evolution, right? T-Rex: Right! T-Rex: But there's nothing in ID (as I've formulated it) to say that the two can't exist peacefully. One just doesn't belong in science class, because it's not a science. It belongs in religion class. Utahraptor: Wait - T-Rex, you claim to hear the voice of God! What does he say about all this? God: I LIKE TO DANCE IN MY UNDERPANTS T-REX T-Rex (punchline): He says - there's some merit to both sides of the issue? God: THAT IS SO NOT WHAT I SAID

'i just thought i'd drop in!' he shouts, descending

Narrator: EXCITEMENT COMICS T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to find some excitement! T-Rex: Hmm... stomping this house is kind of exciting, but it's a more familiar feeling - like getting served a favourite meal. It's good, but I know how it's going to end. I think I can do something more exciting. T-Rex: Well! Stomping on this woman is exciting, but again - too familiar. Utahraptor: What are you doing? T-Rex: I'm looking for excitement! But so far it's been pretty much a "bust". Utahraptor: Hmm... you could go skydiving! T-Rex: Yeah man! T-Rex: And I could land on my enemies' houses! T-Rex (punchline): "Surprise!"

all guidance counsellors are just sailors joking around on leave, the more you think about this the more you will realize it is the new truth

T-Rex: Every nation has its own flag (all second place to the Seychelles flag, obvs), but it turns out every letter of the alphabet has its own flag too! Alphabet flags, you guys! T-Rex: Holy crap! When did the world get so awesome? Dromiceiomimus: You mean semaphore flags, where you move two flags to represent letters? T-Rex: No man, this is way better: you can actually buy a flag that doesn't look like a "J" but that means "J" and fly it above your house! Isn't that awesome? You can spell out words with flags! "SUP BROS" you could say, and should the bros read it they might reply "sup". Boats use 'em for chatting each other up! Utahraptor: Your "J" flag doesn't just mean "J" though! T-Rex: Say whaaaat? Utahraptor: What what! Sailors also use them in SECRET CODES, and they have public meanings too: "J" means "J" but also "I am leaking DANGEROUS CARGO, stay back!" T-Rex: So awesome! Utahraptor: Honestly, you should fly an "X" flag above your house! That means "Everyone, stop what you're doing and WATCH FOR MY SIGNAL." T-Rex (punchline): Man! How come my high school guidance counsellors never said "Be a sailor, THEY'RE AWESOME"? Maybe - maybe they wanted all the sailor jobs for themselves? Off panel: My friend: Off panel: It is the only explanation that makes sense

"i have nothing to declare except my genius" is probably no worse than t-rex's response to the border-guard "what do you do for a living?" question, which remains "i rough up the border guards who ask too many questions."

T-Rex: It's not that hard to be creative! But sometimes when I come up with a joke, I find out it's already been invented in the past, and it's always by the same dead guy! I now have a beef with this dead person. You'd best watch out... T-Rex: ...OSCAR WILDE! T-Rex: Man, Oscar! Here's a guy who's been taking the credit for TONS of great jokes that I would have come up with if he hadn't done so first. Telling a border guard "I have nothing to declare except my genius"? I TOTALLY WOULD'VE COME UP WITH THAT IF IT HAD NOT ALREADY BEEN COME UP WITH. "I'm not young enough to know everything"? THAT PROBABLY WOULD'VE BEEN MY BON MOT. Wilde's the most egregious preemptive plagiarizer of my funny jokes ever! Utahraptor: You're not mad at Oscar Wilde, T-Rex! T-Rex: Pretty sure I am, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: No, you're mad at J.M. "Peter Pan" Barrie for the young one, and at some anonymous wag for the genius one - nobody's found a reliable link to Oscar for it. He just gets the credit! T-Rex: Huh. Okay, I'LL be the guy who's mad at all the UNWARRANTED credit Wilde gets, then! Off panel: "If with the literate I am / Impelled to try an epigram, / I never seek to take the credit; / We all assume that Oscar said it." - Dorothy Parker. T-Rex: FRIG. T-Rex (punchline): ...I'm going home to never do anything original again, okay?

which i guess means either means "okay" or means "never, excepting of course if i change my mind or if circumstances change it for me."

T-Rex: Time for me to invent a new emotion! THIS feeling is the one you get when you've said the wrong thing to someone by accident, and it's awkward and you both noticed it, but it's days later now and you're still thinking about it! T-Rex: And there's nothing you can do without making things MORE awkward! T-Rex: I propose we call this emotion: HUGGA BUBBA LOVE. T-Rex: Wooo Utahraptor: The name seems at odds with the emotion! T-Rex: What?! How so? Utahraptor: Um, "love" is there and it's not actually about love at all? T-Rex: It's not ROMANTIC love, Utahraptor, it's hugga bubba love, which I just defined as lingering awkwardness that has nothing to do with love at all! T-Rex: And before you say "adjective phrases can't fully replace noun semantics", let me warn you: THIS ONE CAN. Off panel: T-Rex! STOP UNDERMINING ENGLISH T-Rex (punchline): HUGGA BUBBA NEVER

why are THEY nervous?

Narrator: AT THE WEDDING T-Rex: Being at my first wedding is exciting, but also makes me nervous! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! What are YOU doing here? Dromiceiomimus: It turns out MY sister knows your friend's bride! Small world! T-Rex: Yeah, small world! Utahraptor: T-Rex! The wedding is about to start! T-Rex: Oh man! How do I look? Utahraptor: Great! Great! How do I look? T-Rex: Supoib! Utahraptor: Then let's go! I'll meet you in the third row! T-Rex (punchline): Wait up!

Call me Hot Ishmael.

T-Rex: Hamlet is a pretty good play to read, except they never tell you how hot the characters are. It doesn't even say if the characters used to be not hot, but then at least they got hot later on!! T-Rex: And this is a problem shared across all kinds of fiction! T-Rex: Often you'll read ACTUAL BOOKS and someone's character description will say they have brown eyes or whatever, but are they smokin' hot? How banging is their bod? Is it pretty banging?? Dromiceiomimus: You don't care about the non-hotties? T-Rex: No, I care about them! But we're in the land of fiction and these people are fake: why not make them major hotties while we're at it? It doesn't COST anything. Utahraptor: "Hamlet was a major hottie. His dad, King Hamlet: also a babe." T-Rex: Whoah, now I'm interested!! T-Rex: Honestly, doesn't that sound like a better book? You get all the drama of Hamlet, PLUS now it's more fun to read! Authors make me imagine what THEY want, and all I'm asking in return is that everyone in the story WITHOUT EXCEPTION be rockin' tight bods. Utahraptor: You should write a book then. I wish you luck. T-Rex: "Steve was seven hot feet tall. His chest was whatever way you like a dude's chest to be, only MORE so. Suddenly he was murdering another beefy dude. OMG these dudes." T-Rex (punchline): Um, once I sell this book ALL MY PROBLEMS ARE OVER FOREVER

americans: your systems of measurement confuse me and are crazy, so when you see "kilogram", "litre" and "Celsius" in this comic just think "2.2 pounds", "33.8 fluid ounces" and "hey pretty much everyone else on the entire planet uses a way less arbitrary system for measuring temperature, so huh, that's weird"

T-Rex: Who is getting a little tubby? Me. I am getting a little tubby. T-Rex: I've got neck flaps! T-Rex: Time for me to start counting my friggin' calories! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, do you actually know what a calorie is? It's just, sometimes people use the phrase without actually knowing what they're saying. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, please. Of course I know what a calorie is! T-Rex: It's a measurement of h- how fat you'll get? Utahraptor: It's a measurement of food energy, T-Rex! T-Rex: Excellent! Um, how much energy? Utahraptor: The amount needed to heat one kilogram of water by one degree Celsius. And the suggested diet has a daily calorie level of around 2000. T-Rex: So my energy needs are equivalent to slightly heating 2000 litres of water. That's, what - a big bathtub or an extremely tiny pool? T-Rex: Well! At least I now know that, EVERY DAY, we can each look ourselves in the mirror and ask, "Are the sum total of my accomplishments today greater than a slightly heated giant bathtub?" T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): *sigh*

we jump to somewhere else a few hours later in the last panel. that's clear, right? somewhere else? a few hours later? in the comics?

T-Rex: Today is Valentine's day! T-Rex: Hah hah! Sucks to THAT! T-Rex: I believe it to be a MANUFACTORED HOLIDAY. Last year it brought me nothing but trouble, so this year I am going out of my way to make sure that everyone knows they don't have to celebrate their love if they don't want to! Utahraptor: Isn't that kind of a jerky thing to do? T-Rex: Perhaps! Utahraptor: More than perhaps! Lots of people just use Valentine's day as an excuse for spending time with their sweeties, commercialism or not. Nothing ruins a romantic evening like a T-Rex barging in and calling it a corporate-sponsored fraud! Narrator: IT'S TRUE: Off panel: You jerk! T-Rex (punchline): You'll thank me when you share my politics!

God has the dirt on everyone, and also He likes to gossip

God: T-REX WHAT'S GOING ON T-Rex: Who said that?! God: IT'S ME GOD T-Rex: Oh yeah? Prove it! What am I going to do next? God: YOU'RE GOING TO STOMP ON A WOMAN AGAINST MY WISHES T-Rex: Ha! I'd like to see that! T-Rex: Oh my goodness! He was right! Utahraptor: Who was right? T-Rex: God!! T-Rex: God's talking to me and he can tell the FUTURE! God: HEY GUYS Utahraptor: Huh? I don't hear anything. Utahraptor: Maybe you're going CRAZY, T-Rex! God: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM HE STILL DOESN'T KNOW HIS TIMES TABLES T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): No way!

a: having your own hat?

T-Rex: Time for me to learn some new languages! AS THE OLD SAYING GOES, he who can speak many languages is suspected by his peers to be an ultra super genius times two. T-Rex: Perhaps I will learn... SIGN LANGUAGE? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, you should, T-Rex! Then we could talk to each other! T-Rex: You know sign language? Dromiceiomimus: Yep! Well - I know Signed English, which is just English translated into hand signs. It's different from ASL, which is a true natural signed language with its own grammar! T-Rex: Neat! T-Rex: Then it's settled! I will learn sign language! Utahraptor: And I will learn Zulu! Utahraptor: I've always wanted to learn a language nobody around me speaks, and I like the way Zulu sounds. T-Rex: Dude, maybe we're TRENDSETTERS! Maybe in 3 months languages less spoken will be the very CURRENCY of coolness, a shibboleth for entry into the rarefied world of ULTRA POPULARITY! Off panel: That only works if we're ultra popular, but we're just two dudes who have decided in the past 60 seconds to learn some new languages for no real reason! T-Rex (punchline): My question: WHAT COULD BE COOLER THAN THAT??

zero google results for "laser thigh surgery"! that's another life-time to-do list item checked off today for team ryan: INVENT A NEW USE FOR LASERS

Narrator: A DISAPPOINTING DAY T-Rex: Maybe I should get some laser eye surgery. T-Rex: Maybe I should get some laser THIGH surgery! T-Rex: ... T-Rex: Maybe I should think before I open my mouth Narrator: THE END Utahraptor: Whoah, pretty harsh on yourself there! T-Rex: Not really! Laser thigh surgery's a dumb idea. T-Rex: I'm not even sure what the lasers would do! Utahraptor: What w- T-Rex: And before you say "What WOULDN'T they do?" to cheer me up, know this: T-Rex: They would not enhance your thighs, unless you think your thighs would be enhanced by TINY HOLES carved by the focused and mighty gaze of HYPERION HIMSELF. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...Okay yeah that does sound awesome

BEHOLD T-REX / OPTIC BLAST OPTIC BLAST OPTIC BLAST

God: T-REX WHY DON'T YOU RATE ALL YOUR FRIENDS FROM BEST TO WORST T-Rex: That sounds like a recipe for social disaster! God: AND INCLUDE ME ON THE LIST God: GOD God: THE DUDE WHO INVENTED EVERYTHING™ T-Rex: Maaan! T-Rex: You're totally assuming that there's one ranking that captures an entire friendship! The rating would be different if I'm going by helpfulness in an underwater adventure or by usefulness in a situation in which claws are needed! God: OKAY THAT'S NICE BUT I'M KINDA GOD OVER HERE AND IF I NEED CLAWS I CAN GROW THEM God: AS SO God: *SNIKT* God: I'VE GOT WOLVERINE CLAWS LIKE FROM THE COMIC WOLVERINE T-Rex: Aw geez! Utahraptor: What's up? T-Rex: God gave himself Wolverine claws. But I can't imagine what possible use they'd have for a divine being! Utahraptor: Well, if you had god powers, wouldn't YOU use them to get Wolverine claws? T-Rex: Obvs, but I kinda thought that was the reason why I didn't have god powers! God: I'M THE BEST THERE IS AT WHAT I DO T-REX God: AND WHAT I DO SURPASSES ALL MORTAL UNDERSTANDING T-Rex (punchline): Maaaaaaaan

T-REX has successfully scheduled TWO SWEET HANGS

T-Rex: Okay I just wanna say before we start that I'm NOT mad, Dromiceiomimus. Okay? I'm not mad at all. I'm actually really calm. T-Rex: Honestly! I just want to hear the truth! T-Rex: So when I ask you this question I hope you'll answer truthfully: you wanna hang out tonight? Dromiceiomimus: ...uh, yes? T-Rex: Okay, awesome! I'll drop you a line later. Maybe we can see a movie! Utahraptor: What was that all about, dude? T-Rex: I scheduled the sweet hangs! T-Rex: AND I prefaced it by reassuring my listener that I wasn't mad, just in case they were worried. "Oh phew, he's in a good place," they could say. "His emotions are cool right now." Utahraptor: T-Rex - T-Rex: It's a little thing called "politeness"; look it up? T-Rex: And that was a little thing called "sarcasm"; look that up as well? And then let's brainstorm a list of rhetorical techniques and we'll go over them together?? T-Rex (punchline): And actually I think that sounds really nice??