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'burnsauce' may be new slang, but i feel confident it will catch on because i like it

T-Rex: I just discovered that I can get digital prints for only 29 cents! Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS PRESENTS: Narrator: 29 CENT PRINT COMICS T-Rex: Did you know that you can now get digital prints for only 29 cents? This will change the world! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, that service has been available for a while now. T-Rex: B-B-But... T-Rex: 29 cent prints! T-Rex: Hey there Utahraptor! Have I ever told you that you're a prints among men? Utahraptor: You have not! Utahraptor: And let me just say: thanks, T-Rex! T-Rex: A 29 cents prints, that is! Off panel: That doesn't even make sense! T-Rex: Still! T-Rex (punchline): Burnsauce!!

there's that punchline

T-Rex: Suddenly I feel as if my future is full of new choices, new directions! T-Rex: My choices are mine to decide! T-Rex: But yet, I feel troubled. If I make some change in my life, what of those I leave behind? T-Rex: I am happy here, but I know I won't be happy if I stay here forever. Leaving becomes a bitter-sweet necessity. T-Rex: If only there were some way that I could come back to now... some way I could save this world to peek in once in a while. Utahraptor: Why so glum? T-Rex: I was just thinking how, if I were to leave, that would change many things. Utahraptor: Nostalgia for the present? T-Rex: Yeah, I guess so. Utahraptor: I'd be careful with that, T-Rex... nostalgia can be a powerful drug! T-Rex (punchline): I'm high right now!

babes, you can call me "cool hair darr"...yl

T-Rex: "That which we call a rose by any other name would obviously smell the same, but might be more cool to talk about" - William Shakespeare. Narrator: BETTER NAMES FOR THINGS T-Rex: Okay everyone! Socks are now "feet mitts". Hats are "head underwear". Underwear is a "sex modesty hat". Dromiceiomimus: So a hat is a "head sex modesty hat"? T-Rex: NO, Dromiceiomimus. They are NON-NESTING. T-Rex: On second thought "head sex modesty hat" sounds real interesting so I'LL OFFICIALLY ALLOW THIS. Utahraptor: From now on T-Rex is "Namby Pam". T-Rex: What? NO! I'm barely namby!! T-Rex: Well YOU'RE now "Downloader Dan". Utahraptor: I do like downloading things, such as website elements or perhaps a song. T-Rex: You're not supposed to like it!! You're now "Sloppy Jalopy 3000". Utahraptor: Futurism! Cool. T-Rex: NO, OKAY, NOW YOU'RE "COOL BOD TODD" T-Rex: Wait!! T-Rex (punchline): I want that one for MYSELF

so anyway i wrote this comic while cursing the wind

T-Rex: Oh my goodness, is my absolute favourite weather TRULY the high winds just before a storm? T-Rex: I have considered the matter and my answer is this: T-Rex: Most assuredly! T-Rex: The wind is awesome. So awesome! You can stand on the edge of a cliff, leaves swirling around you, staring out into the wind - into DESTINY - and it's just great. Everything feels dramatic and apocalyptic and awesome. It's WAY better than trying to stare out into destiny during a snow storm, believe you me! Utahraptor: So your favourite weather is: wind. T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: That's it? No great insight, no perspective beyond "I like it when it's windy"? T-Rex: Yep! I really like it though. Anyway, what's your favourite weather? Hail? TORNADOES? Utahraptor: I don't know - sunny, with a chance of clouds? T-Rex: Wow! Your coolometer level just dropped from "pretty okay" to "striped mesh t-shirt that reads 'Mama's Suckiest Boy'"! Off panel: I'm cool with that! T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): You're really not!!

who here sometimes types in word forms that are phonetically the same to the word you intend, but nevertheless incorrect? oh man, look at this gentleman in the first row! HE knows!

T-Rex: I know it's terrible, and I know many people are like this. But I can't deny it any longer! I am that guy! T-Rex: I am that guy who goes to stand up comedy and thinks, "MAN, I could TOTALLY do that!" T-Rex: And I know the best comics just make it look easy and I know it's hard to get a room full of strangers to laugh, but NEVERTHELESS, I am utterly convinced that I could do it. Dromiceiomimus: So then, do it T-Rex! Write some material, sign up for an amateur night, and do it! T-Rex: You know what? I will! Utahraptor: Are you serious? You're serious about this? T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: Then count me in too. I've always kinda wanted to try that, and even if we bomb, it will at least be fun! T-Rex: Exactly! And if we get some friends in the audience, at least THEY can laugh. T-Rex and Utahraptor: We've got to go write some material! Narrator: FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS: T-Rex: [thinks] Huh! Instead of writing "I rode a horse", I wrote "I wrode a horse"! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] I COULD USE THIS IN MY ACT.

don't get me started about the P.A.L.E.O. diet

Narrator: GLUTEN COMICS T-Rex: Gluten is a protein composite that can be found in all sorts of food! T-Rex: Which is super concerning, as it's a GOVERNMENT SPONSORED MIND-CONTROL ADDITIVE!! T-Rex: Gluten, or G.L.U.T.E.N., stands for "Governmental Limitation of Understanding and Thinking: Experimental Nanocompound". When ingested in sufficient quantities, it changes the way your mind works, making you more pliable to messages of control and submission! Dromiceiomimus: But some bakeries offer gluten-free bread. T-Rex: THEY'RE THE UNDERGROUND. Notice how they never last for long?? Utahraptor: Okay, how do you fit people with Celiac disease into your theory? T-Rex: DUDE. T-Rex: They're allergic to gluten: THEIR BODIES DON'T ABSORB IT. That makes them the only ones immune to governmental mind control! They're our freedom fighters, Utahraptor!! Utahraptor: T-Rex: are you 100% certain, beyond a doubt, that you didn't just read... a wildly vandalized Wikipedia page? Narrator: LATER, T-REX READS THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE FOR "GLUTEN" WHEN IT'S NOT VANDALIZED: T-Rex: Good news about gluten, everyone! It's not an experimental nanocompound! T-Rex (punchline): Bad news about reality, everyone! It's WAY more boring than it could've been!!

let's see if my daughter "Greatwhite" ever gets tired of HER name. ah shucks, i don't even have a daughter, this is ALL LIES

T-Rex: If I changed my name to "Well and Good", then if I was killed and mangled in a horribly brutal death, the inspector on the scene could chuckle and nudge his friend and say "Hey. I suppose this is MOSTLY Well and Good?" T-Rex: Hilarious! T-Rex: Plus, if people saw me on the street they could say "Hey, it's all Well and Good!", except that they wouldn't actually say the "all", so it would just be "Hey, it's Well and Good", which doesn't really work. T-Rex: ...Alright, I've decided. I'm not going to change my name if it ONLY works in the event of my horrific death, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: okay Utahraptor: Why can't you just be happy with the name you've got? T-Rex: I am! Utahraptor: It doesn't seem like it: you're always trying to change it to something with more of a punchline to it. But jokes get old! And if your name's a joke, you'll be the first one to get tired of it. T-Rex: That's - that's a really good point, Utahraptor. Alright. No more joke names. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Everyone! If I was called T-Tex I could wear big Texas hats all the time!! T-Rex (punchline): THIS IS NO JOKE

ATTENTION HOMEOWNERS: PLEASE DO THIS. IT WILL BE GREAT. WHEN I OWN A HOME THIS IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.

T-Rex: Wouldn't it be funny if I planted A FAKE GRAVE for future generations to discover? T-Rex: [thinks] YES. T-Rex: Why, yes, it would! T-Rex: What I'm going to do is get a construction crew to put a skeleton, wearing workman's clothes, RIGHT IN MY HOUSE'S WALLS. Then, when my house is torn down in the future, the deconstruction crew will wonder which of their unlucky cousins faced such a grim demise! Dromiceiomimus: But where are you going to get a skeleton? T-Rex: From... the internet? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Forget you, internet! Your skeletons cost like $6000! Utahraptor: $6000 for a plastic skeleton? T-Rex: Well, no, a real one. But if I use a fake one the prank will be found out too soon! Utahraptor: Not if you chemically touch it up. It should withstand scrutiny long enough to make the news! T-Rex: SERIOUSLY?? Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: T-Rex: I get to spend the rest of my life being in on a great joke, and knowing that after I'm dead some honest tradespeople are going to be spooked, then intrigued, then cheezed off at me! T-Rex (punchline): Not bad!

t-rex isn't really that sure about spoiler alert's powers because he never gets past the 'draw her smiling in a 1920s swimsuit' stage of the character creation process

T-Rex: Okay, so nobody has bought my Tuggy story. THIS IS THEIR LOSS. Tuggy and I don't mind. Instead I will give them another story, about a superhero! A superhero called... T-Rex: ...Spoiler Alert! T-Rex: That's her name: Spoiler Alert. When she shows up the bad guys yell "Spoiler Alert" to warn each other! Also when people type it online it means they just saw her run by as they were typing; they wanted to share. Tada! Dromiceiomimus: Shouldn't they type "Spoiler Alert Alert"? T-Rex: They shorten because they're alarmed. Utahraptor: It doesn't really seem like your heart is in this story, my friend! T-Rex: Oh, it's true! T-Rex: I want Tuggy T. Tugboat to be my great success! Spoiler Alert just feels so COMMERCIAL, you know? Utahraptor: I think you've got a long way to go before people accuse you of being too commercial, T-Rex. T-Rex: Aww. Thanks, Utahraptor! T-Rex: But Spoiler Alert wears a flapper swimsuit when she fights crime and ruins endings. She can't help but make me money! Off panel: Those old-timey swimsuits that had like, hats and boots and stuff? T-Rex (punchline): They're what every man desires but cannot express!

we hung out at the grocery store and paid careful attention. anyway t-rex FIND YOUR OWN PARTIES

T-Rex: I've decided that if I ever get to travel back in time, AGAIN, I'm going to the Battle of Salamis, in which the Greeks beat the Persians, turning the tide in their war which led to eventual Greek victory! T-Rex: It has been described as the single most important battle in history! T-Rex: This is because had the Greeks lost, then so too would the early idea of democracy been denied its initial flourishing, which could have affected all of western civilization! Seeing how influential western civilization has been on the world, if I am a dude who wants to make WILD UNPREDICTABLE CHANGES to the history of time, this seems like the place and time to do it! Utahraptor: And are you a dude who wants to make wild unpredictable changes to the history of time? T-Rex: I don't know! Maybe! T-Rex: It might be cool to just watch the battle, but it ALSO might be cool to go back and cold start stepping on butterflies like CRAZY. Then come back to the present and be all, "oh snap! My bathroom is now teal!" Utahraptor: That IS how time travellers tend to roll! Narrator: THAT EVENING, PERSIANS AND GREEKS FROM 480 BC VISIT T-REX! Off panel: Don't travel back in time to bother us, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Wow! Where'd you guys pick up English? Off panel: grocery store

The issue in an ongoing series is once you've done it and it wasn't a fluke, it's like you've shown that one of your characters got Superman powers. And then in the next episode when a building is about to fall over on someone, Superman's running around in circles saying "Oh no what do we do? Frig frig frig" and the audience is sitting there, furrowing their brows, one hand on their chin.

T-Rex: Hey God, you know on Star Trek, when sometimes they go back in time? God: YEP T-Rex: It interferes with my ability to enjoy the show! God: OKAY T-Rex: Seriously though. It ruins my suspension of disbelief! T-Rex: The issue is they're traveling back in time in an understood, repeatable way: slingshot around the sun! It's just - why wouldn't they do that all the time? When anything bad happens, whenever there's tension and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance, I always think, "Well, worst case, they could just go back in time and fix this. I wonder - I wonder why they don't do that." Utahraptor: You can't put the genie back in the bottle! T-Rex: Utahraptor! Exactly!! T-Rex: Well, I mean, not EXACTLY. Metaphorically. It was a good metaphor. By "exactly", I meant to communicate "Utahraptor, that is an exact metaphor." Utahraptor: Gotcha. T-Rex: Okay. Good. Alright, I'm going to go back to talking about Star Trek now. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Attention, everyone!! T-Rex (punchline): That was pretty much all I had to say, actually

to clarify, t-rex plans to theorize that the people responsible for the postal service built their system such that it would take financial advantage of information-theoretic properties of lossy networks :0

T-Rex: FUN FACT: Did you know that if you're in a situation where your messages have a chance of being lost or misunderstood, then you can never fully share information with someone? T-Rex: It's totally true, even if all the messages arrive unmolested! T-Rex: So Dromiceiomimus, imagine I'm sending you a letter that says "hi". You get it, so now we both know that I said "hi", but only you know that YOU know that I said "hi". So you send a letter that says "got it", which I get - but then I know that you know that I said "hi", but you don't know that I know that YOU know that I said "hi". And so on! T-Rex: We go back and forth sending "I got your 'I got it'" letters forever! Utahraptor: So plausible, T-Rex! T-Rex: Well, of course we wouldn't ACTUALLY do that, but the point is that we can never know the exact same information, unless it's 100% guaranteed that messages aren't lost or garbled. But the mail isn't like this! Utahraptor: Oh man, this is just another one of your dumb postal service conspiracy theories!! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST: T-Rex (punchline): I plan on developing SEVERAL crazy theories about the postal service.

oh man, replace 'immortality' with 'immorality' for a whole new comic!

Text: For we can always see and feel much that the people in old photos and newsreels T-Rex: I have conceded that literal immortality is impossible! Text: could not : T-Rex: However! Text: that their clothing and automobiles were old-fashioned, that their landscape lacked skyscrapers and other contemporary buildings, that their world was black T-Rex: I am comforted by the fact that a type of immortality may still be possible. I speak of course of immortality through art! Text: and white Utahraptor: I get it! You intend to express all that you are through art! T-Rex: Yes! Text: and haunting T-Rex: And in doing so, it will remain forever fixed, for all future generations to see! Utahraptor: Oh man, I want in! Let's make a documentary about our lives! T-Rex: That's a great idea! Text: and gone. Text: -Robert Rosenstone, "Visions of the Past" T-Rex (punchline): We'll live forever!

um, hey there baby / i don't mean to pry / but do you have / an STI?

Narrator: I GUESS WE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Hah! LOOKS LIKE IT, bucko! T-Rex: I love the idea of someone who sends a card after a night of sex. It's sort of classy but also sort of insane? Dromiceiomimus: I've never seen a "thanks for the sex" card. What do they say? "Hey sweet stuff / That sex was fine / An offer of less sex / I would decline"? T-Rex: Hah! "Hey baby, thanks for the sex! / It was hot / (in most respects.)" Utahraptor: Hey, are we writing "thanks for the sex" cards? T-Rex: Utahraptor! We totally are!! T-Rex: Hey baby / that sex was fantastic / I hope next time / I'll be more enthusiastic? Utahraptor: Hey sweetie / that sex was neat / although we weren't / exactly discreet. T-Rex: Hey sexy / that sex was great! / It is how / we procreate! Utahraptor: That one's accurate! T-Rex: Anyway, to the recipient of this card: we had sex last night / and it was nice / I hope we used / a birth control device! T-Rex (punchline): The end!

i should've called this comic, HOW TO BE IMMUNE TO CRITICISM, BY RYAN NORTH, HISTORY'S GREATEST LIVING BEING IN ALL TIMELINES

T-Rex: Vampires are in, right? That's not too passe? We're not all into ants that have combined themselves together to form the shape of a giant ant yet? Yes? T-Rex: Then prepare for my amazing "Vampire Novel 2000"! T-Rex: Ahem. Vampire Novel 2000! Vampire Novel 2000 opens up on the first page, where the title of the book is printed. Your eyes caress the words, your lips mouthing them as you read: 'Vampire Novel'. And then, two numbers that are also four, the paradox of repeated digits. 2000. A number that promises the future. A year, but more than a year: an aesthetic. The future we all remember, now novelized, and also with vampires. Utahraptor: Are you going to do anything beyond describe the reading process? T-Rex: Dude, that's the book! T-Rex: It's a book ABOUT reading a book, and what's more, it's a book about READING THE VERY BOOK THAT YOU'RE CURRENTLY READING. Oh, sorry! DID I JUST BREAK YOUR MIND? Utahraptor: It sounds kinda... terrible. T-Rex: Oh, how awful! T-Rex (punchline): That is the only sentence someone whose mind is broken can say.

s-sometimes?

T-Rex: So what's the deal with SISTERHOOD? T-Rex: Hah hah! T-Rex: Am I right? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, T-Rex! Are you upset because as a male, you'll never be able to know the small joys and frustrations of having and being a sister? T-Rex: No way! I know all about sisterhood! I know all about all sorts of things. Utahraptor: I don't think you do! I think this is something which almost by definition is unknowable for you. T-Rex: Well even if it WAS, I could always get a sex change and a new family or something. I don't know! How nuanced can it be to be a member of a set of two mutually female siblings? Utahraptor: You'll never know! T-Rex (punchline): Do you ever wonder what the pillow fights are like?

an earlier punchline to this comic had t-rex avoiding something 'as a rule', and then explaining that it was funny because there's a sort of utilitarianism called 'rule utilitarianism'. then i changed it! FOR SOME REASON

T-Rex: Utilitarianism is an ethical system in which you always act to minimize pain and increase happiness! This is the perfect system for me, as I am ALL ABOUT increasing happiness. Narrator: UTILITARIANISM COMICS T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I am crushing this house because, holy, what if the people inside are really sad about something? By smushing them, I increase net happiness on the planet over the long term, because they won't be sad anymore, ALSO, stomping makes me happy. Net happiness: increased! Dromiceiomimus: I don't think that's fair! T-Rex: We could debate it, but that might make me very sad. Utahraptor: You must realize that this isn't a fair application of utilitarianism, T-Rex! T-Rex: I must? Utahraptor: Yes! Although, you DO raise some of the fundamental problems with the theory: there's no pleasure calculus to measure happiness, especially not one that can take into account the long-term consequences of our actions. T-Rex: I like this phrase, "pleasure calculus". T-Rex (punchline): Is it truly as erotic as advertised?

for those of who you don't remember america's funniest home videos, it's basically youtube, but with none of the brutally dumb comments and with way more bob saget. you know, in retrospect, we had it pretty good

T-Rex: The curses of the Greek gods: T-Rex: not actually that bad! T-Rex: For example: Prometheus! Guy gives fire back to mortals, and as punishment by Zeus he's chained to a rock and has his liver eaten by a vulture every day. But his liver magically regenerates overnight! Dromiceiomimus: So? T-Rex: So Prometheus' liver is a perfectly clean, natural and renewable fuel source! He doles out to the world a small amount of an INFINITE SUPPLY of biofuel daily. Way to go, Prometheus! Utahraptor: Seems like a pretty painful way to go through life! T-Rex: Still, it's not that bad. Utahraptor: What about Cassandra, prescient but cursed so that nobody believes her? T-Rex: Screw everyone else! She can avoid falling pianos and win the lottery. BOO HOO. And before you say "Sisyphus", he's immortal, PLUS he's got time to ponder the universe, PLUS a buff bod. All I'm saying is, it wouldn't be terrible. Narrator: MANY MONTHS LATER: Off panel: Up next, we have a man who claims he was cursed by a Greek god, and who now has preternatural knowledge of what the winning clips will be on every episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. T-Rex (punchline): It's not that bad!!

if you're having trouble visualizing it, it's the move kirk used to do all the time. it's probably really satisfying to do.

T-Rex: You know how in stories, whenever a character has the chance, he always decides that it's too dangerous to know too much about his own future? T-Rex: Um, I would like to know too much, please! T-Rex: Knowing who I marry, knowing where I end up living - all of these would be great timesavers! Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, but then you'd lose the joy of living your own life! There'd be no more surprises. T-Rex: Okay, knowing just one thing, then. Going through life knowing that no matter what, I'm going to win the lottery, for example! Utahraptor: Or, knowing that no matter what, you're NEVER going to win the lottery! T-Rex: Also good! T-Rex: I just want one little tidbit, you know? Utahraptor: Okay - um, NO MATTER WHAT, one day you're going to... eat a whole pig? T-Rex: Man, I coulda told you that! I accidentally almost ate a whole pig at breakfast, you know? God: T-REX ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO PUNCH AN ATTACKING BEAR IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS AND THEN HE'LL BEND OVER IN PAIN AND THEN YOU'LL ELBOW HIM IN THE BACK T-Rex: Oh my goodness! T-Rex (punchline): My future! It's... it's so AWESOME...

how many different ways can I find to say "tripped balls"? let's go on this journey TOGETHER

T-Rex: So in an effort to trip countably fewer balls, I have been researching how my brain works. T-Rex: Turns out, my brain is totally awesome! T-Rex: AND NOBODY IS SURPRISED. T-Rex: But check it out, Dromiceiomimus: we hear sound mechanically (sound waves hitting a membrane) which, IT TURNS OUT, only takes a couple of milliseconds to be understood by the brain! But our retinas react to light through a longer chemical process AND their information is more complicated to process, so it can take upwards of 50 milliseconds before the brain has it in a usable form. Dromiceiomimus: Neat! T-Rex: Super neat! Utahraptor: So we understand sound before we understand images, assuming they reach our senses at the same time! T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: But they don't, obviously, and our brains are making SECRET ADJUSTMENTS to our VERY PERCEPTION OF REALITY to give us the illusion that sound and light match up most of the time! Utahraptor: Now I'M the one tripping balls! T-Rex: Dude! I totes tripped over all those balls earlier!! But the trippiest part with the most balls? T-Rex: When something's about 10 meters away all the speeds match up perfectly, and it's the only time your brain gets a break from constantly LYING TO YOU ABOUT THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE!! T-Rex: Sorry for shouting there, Utahraptor! I uh - T-Rex (punchline): I tripped a few stray balls

do a google image search for "major snorefest" and prepare to be EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTED to find not a single image of a rip-van-winkle type with an army hat on

T-Rex: Last night I dreamt I was preparing to buy a boat, and by "preparing to" I mean "stressing about the confusing but necessary paperwork in order to". T-Rex: Major snorefest! T-Rex: And I am not one to say "major snorefest" lightly, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: It's one of the reasons we're friends! T-Rex: Exactly! But it helped me realize: even when I'm dreaming of interesting things like zombies OR sexin', it's still kinda disappointing. Utahraptor: Man, what's wrong with zombies and sexin'? T-Rex: Folks have already imagined those things!! T-Rex: I want to dream about things I CAN'T otherwise experience: new colours and impossible shapes and sounds my ears could never process! In dreams my brain is decoupled from my limited senses; why doesn't it get ON this? Utahraptor: Sounds like you should be taking this up with your brain, not with me! T-Rex: FINE T-Rex: [thinks] Hey brain, this is me, the conscious part! T-Rex: [thinks] Listen T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] I would like more dreams in UHF please

if you can clench your butt in like that then yes, you have truly earned that tattoo

T-Rex: [thinks] OMG YOU NEED TO GET A TATTOO T-Rex: OMG, I need to get a tattoo! T-Rex: Okay, here's what I'm thinking: a dog bone that says "dogs" inside of it, OR a dog bone that says "dogs" inside of it in Times New Roman, OR - and this one is my favourite - a dog bone that says "dogs" inside of it in an awesome 80s computer font. T-Rex: ...Big into dogs over here. Utahraptor: Got anything that's not about dogs? T-Rex: No, I'm afraid that doesn't interest me! Utahraptor: Really? No interest for a tattoo of a robot with cool pecs? Or a tattoo of a burger surrounded by a banner that reads "I KINDA LIKE EATING THESE"? Or a chest tattoo that says "IF YOU CAN READ THIS THEN WOW, I GUESS I TOOK MY SHIRT OFF"? T-Rex: STOP YOU ARE BREAKING MY MIND WITH THESE AWESOME IDEAS Off panel: A tattoo on your butt that folds in when you clench to reveal the message "FLEX TO MEET YOU"? T-Rex's head: *crack* T-Rex: !! T-Rex (punchline): Oh man, now you've done it

TOO STRONG, T-REX

T-Rex: Synesthesia is an amazing neurological condition in which one sensory pathway involuntarily stimulates another. The result is sensory overlap: tones with distinct tastes, letters of the alphabet with their own shades of colour! T-Rex: People with synesthesia BASICALLY have super powers. T-Rex: There's all sorts of synesthesia: some people taste words and syllables when they say them - sometimes even if they just think them! Others have distinct personalities associated with numbers or letters, so that the letter "M" might be polite while "7" gets all up in everyone's fries. They still sense normally, it's just they've got this extra layer of perception on top of what the rest of us get. I admit to being jealous! Utahraptor: I actually know a woman who has synesthesia, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh wow! Really? T-Rex: I’d love to meet her. I know she might not be as into her condition as I am and that I'm probably glorifying it or at least fetishizing it some, but I’d still love to talk to her about it! Utahraptor: You are, but it's okay, she’s into it too! She loves it, actually. I’ll give you her number! Narrator: SOON: Off panel: So yeah, notes that are higher tend to be brighter colours for me! T-Rex: I see what you're saying there! T-Rex: Pretty clever, right? My friends say I'm "pretty clever". T-Rex (punchline): We should date!

who at first accidentally wrote "soon my stomach will be RIMMING with beef"? well, you've no proof it was me

T-Rex: Am I ever prepared for a mid-life crisis! I'm seriously ready. T-Rex: BRING. IT. ON! Dromiceiomimus: But what makes you think you're so prepared? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm awesome! If I wake up one morning and think "What have I ever done with my life, have I ever really accomplished anything, OH GOD", then that thought will be followed by "Wait I forgot how awesome I am! NEVERMIND." Dromiceiomimus: What if that second thought doesn't come though? T-Rex: Impossible! A mid-life crisis is a crisis of confidence, and if there's one thing I've got, it's confidence! Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: YES. Confidence in who I am, what I've done and where I'm going. And if there's two things I've got, it's confidence AND a bunch of burgers to eat when I get home! So do you wanna come over and eat burgers tonight or what, Utahraptor? Utahraptor: Sure! T-Rex: Excellent! T-Rex (punchline): If there's THREE things I've got, it's confidence, burgers, and the mantra that "As bad as today gets, soon my stomach will be brimming with beef."

backstory: in the past t-rex has had parties ruined by god, which led to embarrassment with the ladies.

T-Rex: Okay, so I've laid out all the clues around town, and I've got the party and barbeque all set up! T-Rex: I think we're good to go! T-Rex: Is everything ready, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Yep! I made drinks and set up lawn chairs and even a croquet set! T-Rex: Excellent! Nothing could possibly go wrong! Not even GOD HIMSELF can wreck this party now! Utahraptor: Bad news, T-Rex: we don't have any cups! T-Rex: The party! It's ruined! T-Rex: Wait, did you check in the cupboard above the fridge? I usually keep some cups there. Utahraptor: Oh, no, I didn't check there. Hold on a second. Off panel: Yep, here they are! T-Rex: Ha ha! Super! T-Rex (punchline): For a second there I was worried that GOD HIMSELF had wrecked our party, but nope! NOT THIS TIME, ladies!

My friends!! As a conspiracy theorist, it is my great pleasure to finally be able to say these four words: I WILL DIE JUSTIFIED

T-Rex: Did you know that mass extinctions happen REGULARLY in our past? Like, every 27 million years or so, a bunch of life on Earth just DIES. This is not a joke. This actually happens. T-Rex: SUSPICIOUS, yes? Narrator: CONSPIRACY THEORY COMICS Dromiceiomimus: Aren't they just asteroid impacts, T-Rex? T-Rex: That happen regularly over 500 million years? Hah! PLEASE. Asteroids strike at unpredictable intervals, not according to some cosmic clock! Dromiceiomimus: So what do you propose: divine intervention? T-Rex: No. My friend, I propose nothing less than CONSPIRACY. Utahraptor: Someone's attacking us from... space? T-Rex: Not someone: some-THING. An entity known only as NEMESIS. T-Rex: A red dwarf star in SECRET ORBIT around OUR OWN SUN. Every 27 million years it returns, disturbs comets in the Oort cloud, and death rains down from the skies. All life on our planet, eternally cursed by a single wayward star. Utahraptor: And the clock is ticking. Narrator: LATER T-REX FINDS OUT THIS IS AN ACTUAL SCIENTIFIC THEORY CALLED "THE NEMESIS HYPOTHESIS": T-Rex: Well! That's awesome. T-Rex (punchline): On a side note, I see nothing wrong with a petition to replace "hypothesis" with "conspiracy theory" in all the hard sciences?

utahraptor, our friendship scored ten thousand out of a possible FIVE thousand points!! we're doing really well!

T-Rex: You wake up, the last person in a post-apocalyptic world. What happened? Well shoot, Einstein, I'd say it looks like an apocalypse has happened, and now we're post that. You decide you'd better try to keep up!! T-Rex: You go on to decide I'M doing a friggin' excellent job narrating! T-Rex: So there's some immediate concerns of food and water, but there's some longer-term concerns you'll need to deal with too: medicine is no longer being produced, so you'd better lock some of that down. If there's any vehicles you want moved, do it now, because it turns out gasoline can go stale in a matter of months! Dromiceiomimus: Thanks for the sweet tips, T-Rex! T-Rex: You thank me for my sweet tips! Utahraptor: I spend my days carving knowledge into stones, hoping future life will one day understand it! T-Rex: Sure, okay! You do that. T-Rex: Millions of years later, intelligent life arises again! Your stones have long since weathered to dust, but they do find your skeleton and put it in a museum! The placard reads "This Guy, Hey, What Was The Deal With This Guy?" Utahraptor: What. T-Rex: Utahraptor, you scored two out of a possible fifty thousand points! T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor, your epitaph scored forty-five thousand out of a possible fifty thousand points!

fun fact: you can replace "dude" and its associated words with any other noun and this comic still works! except for "circles", i guess. anyway. it works well with "boners"

T-Rex: Plato was a philosopher guy who said perfect dudes don't exist. Rather, all dudes are imperfect instantiations of the perfect IDEAL of dudes, the essential dude, intangible essence of dudeness! T-Rex: Plato also said things like "I'm hungry, guys, frig!" but we're not remembering him for that right now! T-Rex: Ours is an imperfect world, and as such, there's no perfect dudes in it. All the dudes we have are imperfect instances - copies, if you will - of the ideal dude, who is so great he can't even EXIST. Dromiceiomimus: But what about if you and I have different ideas about what the perfect dude is? Dromiceiomimus: It's just I'm - I'm pretty sure we do. Utahraptor: Plato really said this about... dudes? T-Rex: Okay, NO, not technically. T-Rex: He was actually talking about everything, but that includes dudes! I used dudes because it's an example EVERYONE can get behind. Utahraptor: Wouldn't circles be a better example? We can all imagine a perfect circle, but we can't draw one. T-Rex: Um, computers can?? Off panel: Those are pixelated if you look closely, T-Rex! And before you say "robots can", they still draw them on some medium, and that's made of atoms. T-Rex: And atoms are NATURE'S pixels! You just proved my case for me! Awesome! T-Rex (punchline): Okay now, bring it back to dudes!!

is it crazy to expect a zero chance of being murdered, and if so, why is that crazy

T-Rex: Civilization goes back thousands and thousands of years! Building and advancing civilization has got to be the single longest multi-generational project EVER UNDERTAKEN. T-Rex: But put enough of us together and we'll start murdering each other! T-Rex: Really? All this time and we're still dealing with this crap? How come we haven't found a reliable, scalable, and repeatable way to build a civilization without LITERALLY MURDERING each other yet? If I were putting down design requirements for a civ I'd put "structured such that nobody gets murdered" pretty near the top of the list! Utahraptor: You're putting a lot of blame on civilization! Maybe the problem is ourselves? T-Rex: But that's totally awful! T-Rex: If you accept that, oh heck, we're just gonna kill each other sometimes and there's nothing we can do about that, what does that say about us? Utahraptor: That the murderers are exceptions? Edge cases? T-Rex: Edge cases that happen so regularly there's 1425 murders PER DAY worldwide?? T-Rex: Sometimes I think it's crazy that we haven't colonized other planets yet! Other days I think maybe, JUST MAYBE, the rest of the universe will get by just fine even if we don't bring our murdery ways to it. T-Rex (punchline): Anyway, wow, yay, go us

ladies, if you want to win a man's heart, draw the two of you as batman and the joker and it works EVERY TIME

T-Rex: I am a dude who came across a suitcase full of old love letters I got in high school. Sweet! T-Rex: That's right, ladies! I'VE got a HISTORY! T-Rex: I'd completely forgotten about these letters, and it was really cool to re-read them now with older, less hormonally-charged eyes! We were crazy kids struggling with feelings we didn't fully understand. It was charming! Also, and I, um, I don't pretend to understand this, but there's one letter from each girlfriend where, without exception, she's drawn the two of us, she and I, as Batman and the Joker. Utahraptor: Hah! How many girlfriends were there? T-Rex: I refuse to say!! T-Rex: But I assure you that for whatever reason, each of them saw it fit to render a copyright-infringing vision of a universe where we live the astonishing dreams of Finger and Kane. Utahraptor: That's really odd, isn't it? What do you suppose it means? T-Rex: Man! I think that's pretty obvious! T-Rex (punchline): Everyone I've ever kissed is AWESOME!

no promises, NINEY

T-Rex: I really don't understand racism. I get it at a "hey, here's what it is" level, but I don't understand how someone can really BE racist. Don't they feel kind of... ridiculous? T-Rex: Anyway! With this in mind, I am going to become totally racist!! T-Rex: But in order to keep my friends and Status in Society, I am going to be fake racist. I'm going to be racist against folks who - who say "y'all". Dromiceiomimus: That's still an identifiable group of society, T-Rex! T-Rex: TRUE. Plus I too say "y'all" when the situation demands it of me. Okay, I'm racist against people who... wear running shoes to the opera? Utahraptor: Wow, you hate people who appreciate culture but who can't afford expensive artifacts? T-Rex: FINE. NO I DON'T. T-Rex: Look, the whole point was to experience prejudice from the inside. I just need a safe racism! Utahraptor: You need something random. How about folks who have red hair? T-Rex: That's genetic! Utahraptor! That's the worst fake racism yet!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Okay. Everyone, pick a number between one and ten! Off panel: If I pick nine, you'd better not be racist against me! T-Rex: HEY. HEY. T-Rex (punchline): NO PROMISES

anyone who says their interests are so nuanced and varied that they can't possibly be summed up with five verbs or nouns is not allowed to come to this party. i'm sorry but you can be a rare and beautiful butterfly ELSEWHERE

T-Rex: Everyone! What are your five interests? Mine are fancy chocolates, smooth jazz, fly fishing, food that looks like other food, and beluga caviar! T-Rex: NAILED IT Devil: MINE ARE VIDEO GAMES AND ROLE PLAYING GAMES AND STRATEGY GAMES AND BOARD GAMES AND GAMES OF SKILL T-Rex: Dude. You could've just said "games". Devil: AND YOU COULD'VE JUST SAID "FOOD AND THINGS THAT MAKE ME SLEEPY" T-Rex: ... T-Rex: Good point Utahraptor: Mine are where the world is going, where we've been, bettering the world, increasing knowledge, and pals! T-Rex: Nice! T-Rex: Okay, I'm changing mine. Mine are now pals, being smart, being awesome, being so great other people say I'm great in their diaries, and... Utahraptor: Humility? T-Rex: Respecting humility in others, yes. God: MINE ARE BEING OMNIPOTENT AND CREATING UNIVERSES AND BEING OMNICOOL AND DESTROYING UNIVERSES AND God: UM T-Rex: Proving your existence in a verifiable, repeatable way? God: HAH HAH HAH T-Rex: ...Yeah. T-Rex (punchline): Good one, me

i know a certain chris hastings of dr mcninja dot com who is nodding his head in agreement right now

T-Rex: I am a guy who really likes Batman. And it occurs to me: at some point in my life I'm going to be an old man! T-Rex: I'm going to be an old man who really likes Batman! T-Rex: It's gonna be so awesome. Am I to imagine that one day I somehow WON'T be interested in fightin' crime, punchin' dudes, and saying things like "I AM THE NIGHT"? Of course not! When I'm old I'll be sitting on a rocking chair next to the other old men, arguing about whether it's Batman or Bruce Wayne that's the real mask. T-Rex: CLEARLY BRUCE IS THE MASK. Utahraptor: It sounds like this comforts you! T-Rex: Oh, it totally does. T-Rex: I have NO IDEA where I'll be or what I'll be doing in fifty years, but when I picture myself talking about Batman everything falls into place. I'll always have that, you know? No matter what happens, I'll always be able to argue about Batman. Utahraptor: Even if you were paralyzed and couldn't communicate? T-Rex: Utahraptor, please! T-Rex (punchline): For every Batman argument that comes out of my mouth there's like eighty of them that go on in my head.

followed up with the "SORRY FOR USING THE PHRASE 'NAKED CROTCH', IT WAS WAY MORE EVOCATIVE THAN I INTENDED" card

T-Rex: I had a really good time on the swimming trip you planned! Narrator: "THANKS FOR TAKING ME SWIMMING" Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Normally when we get together we all see a movie or something, but it was a great idea to go swimming. I had a great time, and I'm sure we all enjoyed the decadence of swimming in an indoor pool when it's still chilly outside. Let's do it again sometime! Thank you for setting this up. Narrator: THE END T-Rex: Okay, listen, I kinda walked in on you while changing and I saw your naked crotch. Utahraptor: But it was an accident! Narrator: "I SAW YOUR NAKED CROTCH, BUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT" Narrator: a web card T-Rex: I don't want to comment on whether or not it was a nice naked crotch! It was fine. I only looked out of some weird instinct. I think we've all got it. T-Rex (punchline): Anyway I felt bad, so here's a card. Narrator: THE END

if there's an accredited doctorate in applied richology available, i would like one, please

T-Rex: I've thought of the best story! Oh goodness. This story will make me RICH. It will make me PRIME MINISTER of being rich. I will be awarded a doctorate in APPLIED RICHOLOGY. T-Rex: I can only hope the world is ready for it! T-Rex: So BASICALLY in the story there's all this build up about this kid whose parents named her Crime and how she grows into her name and becomes this big arch-criminal! The cops are powerless to stop her, even the really really good ones. ESPECIALLY the really really good ones. Anyway it's narrated in the third person and at the end of the book Crime goes out on a few dates with the narrator and then he abruptly stops writing because he's all cheezed at her. The end! Utahraptor: But - why is he all cheezed at her? T-Rex: Because he always has to pay for everything! T-Rex: Get it? Because CRIME DOESN'T PAY!! T-Rex: Listen, my story has both a hilarious twist ending and also an important message regarding the paying of crime. T-Rex: Dear mental diary that everyone can hear: Utahraptor was so impressed with my book idea that he forgot how to talk! Off panel: I didn't forget how to talk! I just forgot how to shoot down your idea politely! T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor!! DON'T LISTEN TO MY DIARY!

i choose to believe in this problem not because it is likely but because it is rad

Narrator: PROBLEMS THAT CAN ONLY BE BLAMED ON MONOGAMOUS COUPLES: T-Rex: Cheating on your sweetie! Dromiceiomimus: Actually, T-Rex, non-monogamy doesn't automatically mean "now you can have sex with everyone without consequences", it usually means "I'm not going to demand exclusivity of you, but we still need communication and trust, and, as in any relationship, I can be hurt". You can still cheat. We talked about this. T-Rex: Oh YEAH Narrator: PROBLEMS THAT CAN ONLY BE BLAMED ON NON-MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS: T-Rex: Monogamous folks questioning what had before been the default assumption of exclusivity! Utahraptor: Difficulty in finding monogamous partners, if everyone else wants piece(s) on the side(s)? T-Rex: Too many sexy times with too many sexy people!! T-Rex: That is a problem I have never experienced but which I must believe exists. I CHOOSE to live in a world where this could one day be my problem! T-Rex (punchline): I CHOOSE to live in a world where one day all this sex could stress me out, seriously interfering with my work and productivity

wackyteenfanfiction.com does not resolve to pages and pages of wacky teen fan fiction written. seriously THIS CLOSE to giving up on this being the best of all possible worlds over here

T-Rex: Man, I totally missed out on my window for skydiving. I should've done it when I was younger! T-Rex: I had WAY less to lose then! Dromiceiomimus: What do you mean, T-Rex? A catastrophic dive in either case and you're still dead. T-Rex: True, but if I die at, say, 50, that's 50 years of accumulated experience, knowledge and responsibility that die with me! But if I die at 16 then all the world loses is one wacky teen and one handful of pages of wacky teen fan fiction. Utahraptor: But at 16 you had way more potential than you would at 50! T-Rex: Ouch! Utahraptor: At 16 you've got the potential for both you at 50 AND the potential for trillions of alternate future and alternate yous, possibilities which are trimmed each instant you're alive. At 50 you've already exhausted tons of your options! T-Rex: ...INTERESTING. T-Rex: You know, life's funny, Utahraptor. I woke up this morning convinced that it would be better to die in a skydiving accident at 16 than at 50. Now I don't know what to believe! Off panel: That's funny? T-Rex (punchline): Actually I guess not

this one goes out to all my early-sleepin' homies

T-Rex: Tonight I am going to bed early. T-Rex: Sweetness! T-Rex: More sleep for me! T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus, what time are you going to bed tonight? Dromiceiomimus: Well, I don't know... I guess around eleve- T-Rex: Cause I'm going to bed early tonight! T-Rex: Me! Early! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Word has it you're bragging about going to bed early? T-Rex: Word has it right! Utahraptor: But why? Usually people brag about awesome things, not lame-o things like going to bed early. T-Rex: What are you talking about? It's cool to get a good night's sleep! Narrator: YEARS LATER: T-Rex: what? T-Rex (punchline): It's cool to get a good night's sleep!

that last panel is ALREADY non-canon! who would say that to a kid? a jerk, that's who!

T-Rex: What if... what if I had the BEST HOUSE EVER this Hallowe'en? T-Rex: [starts daydreaming] [T-Rex's daydream] Off panel: T-Rex! This house is SPOOK-TACULAR! T-Rex: Guys, I totally know!! T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: I must make this dream come true! But HOW? Dromiceiomimus: What if you made your house spiritually scary, T-Rex? Like, instead of a corpse, a mannequin of a woman who is realizing that she has married badly. T-Rex: Not bad! And I could have a spooky tape, but instead of chainsaws and screams, I'd have the voice of a man quietly dictating memories of his youth, knowing Alzheimer’s will rob him of them soon. Utahraptor: But these ideas won't be scary for passers-by! T-Rex: Sure they will! Utahraptor: They need explanation! The best scares are like the best art, where you get it viscerally, without a little placard beneath it that says "OKAY. SO. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS ALZHEIMER'S." T-Rex: Man, you just wait! Kids will be boarding the train to SCARYTOWNE at my house. Narrator: HALLOWE'EN NIGHT: Off panel: Mister, why is that man talking about when he was a kid? T-Rex: Because he's got a disease that robs him of his memories, relationships and identity. It is death before death. T-Rex (punchline): Oooh, what scary costumes!

AGAIN

T-Rex: Time to talk more about my made-up country of Canada! Narrator: HAPPY CANADA DAY COMICS Narrator: a "PG-13" picto-story T-Rex: In Canada, you get real winters AND real summers, and there's places where you can get winter all year round if that's your sort of thing! Dromiceiomimus: Is that your sort of thing, T-Rex? T-Rex: That is HECK NO not my sort of thing, but I'm glad to know it's an option! T-Rex: Also, in Canada? Two chicks can totally get married! Utahraptor: Neat! T-Rex: Finally, there is social liberalism and national pride, but not one that is predicated on making other countries seem worse. Utahraptor: But doesn't that imply any countries that don't have that desirable feature are worse off than Canada? T-Rex: It - it does. Well heck! Off panel: That's okay, T-Rex. T-Rex (punchline): I fucked up Canada!

if someone was spying on me this morning, they would have seen a man get out of bed, have a shower, get dressed, and then write a made up story about flying dinosaurs and vaginas while listening to the official soundtrack of the game "super mario galaxy". they would have thought "i must remind myself again why i am spying on this fellow"

T-Rex: Guess who had their first dream of flying last night? T-Rex: Gentlemen, ladies: calm down please! It was me!! Dromiceiomimus: You'd never dreamed about flying before? T-Rex: I HAD, but they were always dreams in which everyone else could fly and I couldn't. You know the one where everyone realizes they can fly by jumping and flapping their arms, but when you try it, you just hop a tiny bit higher than normal? And it's KINDA cool but everyone else is flying so it's not THAT cool? Utahraptor: "I'm T-Rex and I have transparently symbolic dreams!" T-Rex: Come on, man! T-Rex: We ALREADY AGREED dreams sound hella symbolic when described. If we want to talk about their contents, we have to move past symbolism! Utahraptor: Alright, fine. T-Rex: Okay. So I was wondering, in case I get this dream again, where do YOU fly when you dream about flying? Off panel: T-Rex, I fly through a giant pink tunnel, down through a dark hole, into a tremendous blooming flower, and finally around a huge roseate "V" with text beneath it that says "That 'V' stands for 'Vaginas'". T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): Please continue

man, forget BOSSES

T-Rex: This month - this October, RIGHT NOW - has five Fridays in it, AND five Saturdays, AND five Sundays! T-Rex: This month MIGHT BE the best month! Dromiceiomimus: It's the same amount of days, though, T-Rex. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you're totally looking at this the wrong way! This October has FIVE WEEKENDS in it. If you count Fridays as weekends - AND YOU SHOULD - then there's a full 15 days of weekend available this month! Fully FORTY-EIGHT PERCENT of this month is weekend! That's fantastic. Utahraptor: We had a full five weekends in January too. T-Rex: ... T-Rex: ...Okay, you know what? I should've partied way harder in January. Utahraptor: I'm just saying: five-weekend months aren't that rare. And if we're counting Friday as weekend, why not Monday too? T-Rex: WHY NOT INDEED?? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Oh yeah, BOSSES are why not

may i just say: if "princess toadstool" was named "princess toban" then prince estoban's name here would work AMAZINGLY WELL

T-Rex: In my new video game, you control a lady named "Mary Oh". She's of Chinese descent, which explains her awesome name! But her boyfriend has been kidnapped! T-Rex: You and your half-sister Lucy "Lu" Igi have to save him! T-Rex: But as you set out to rescue your boyfriend, Prince Estoban, you start to notice every enemy you face, from the Goombas to the Hammer Sisters to the Lakitus: they're all women. Even the bullets fired at you, which you'd expect to be genderless, are named "Bullet Belle". There's not a single man in this game, besides your kidnapped boyfriend! Dromiceiomimus: This is just Mario with the genders flipped! T-Rex: Hah! "JUST". Utahraptor: And the Prince is kidnapped by "Bowsella"? T-Rex: Nope! I ripped off something way more awesome! T-Rex: It turns out he's not kidnapped at all, he just left without leaving a note and got his OVER ONE THOUSAND EVIL EXES to fight you. And YES that means he's a guy who's had sex with mushrooms and turtles and - like, bullets? T-Rex: Don't look at me. He's YOUR boyfriend, Mary. T-Rex: I call my game, "Super Mary Oh And The Slutty Dude"! T-Rex (punchline): Subtitle: "Oh Mary, No Girl, You're Better Than This"

YOU CAN NEVER TURN HIM OFF

T-Rex: I have a pretty good knowledge of my closest friends. I know their likes and dislikes and can predict how they'd react in most situations! T-Rex: I have constructed nothing less than FRIEND SIMULATORS in my very mind! T-Rex: It's pretty great, Dromiceiomimus! Sometimes I'll ask myself "What's Utahraptor probably doing this weekend?" or "What would Dromiceiomimus do if she found out I ate all these chicken legs?" and I use my friend simulators to answer those questions. Dromiceiomimus: I guess that's true for me, too! Also, I'd ask you if those chicken legs made you happy. T-Rex: they didn't Utahraptor: So what's your Utahraptor simulator like? T-Rex: Like you! T-Rex: He fills in when you're not around or when it'd be ridiculous to ask you what you thought of something. He also tells me what you want for your birthday. What's your T-Rex simulator like? Utahraptor: He's um - he's okay! Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR'S T-REX SIMULATOR: T-Rex (punchline): [tiny] booooooooooooooners

holy god i wish i was making these cephalopod facts up

T-Rex: Damned sinister raccoons are still hanging around outside my house! And just when I thought things couldn't get more freaky, their cephalopod friends showed up! T-Rex: I was like, T-Rex: "What? AAAAHHHHH!" Dromiceiomimus: Cephalopods? Like squid? T-Rex: Squid, cuttlefish, and other similarly baleful creatures are all members of the cephalopod family, characterized by HUGE EYES, BEAKS, INTELLIGENCE, and AMBITION. Utahraptor: I thought cephalopods were underwater animals! T-Rex: They played us for suckers! Utahraptor: Well, maybe they're friendly! Maybe they just want to be your friend? T-Rex: They're jet powered, did you know that? They're jet-powered animals and their heads are covered in PREHENSILE TENTACLES. They're carnivorous and most are cannibals! Narrator: THAT NIGHT: T-Rex (punchline): I don't want any trouble, cephalopods! Off panel: T-REX, WE'RE GOING TO SNEAK INTO BED WITH YOU TONIGHT! Off panel: WE'LL BE LIKE Off panel: "HELLO T-REX"

2 to the 33rd power = 8 billion people, and even if we include dead dudes, that only gets us another minute or so of narrative, tops! IN CONCLUSION, IT IS TRUE THAT WE CAN IMAGINE THINGS THAT MOST LIKELY HAVEN'T HAPPENED TO DUDES. good to know?

T-Rex: Okay okay - so there's been a lot of people born, right? In the history of time there are a lot of people who have been born. So the question is, are there enough people that I could write a story... T-Rex: ...and reasonably expect it to have already been LIVED OUT in real life? T-Rex: Let's assume narratives can be reduced to yes/no decisions, and on average real people make a yes/no decision every 15 seconds. Two people are needed to cover each option for every decision! So after - um, 33 decisions, we've got more people needed than are alive right now, and we're only eight minutes into our story. It is a stories-in-real-life disaster! T-Rex: BUT, if I wrote a story about the first eight minutes of a baby's life, ODDS ARE someone has lived it! Utahraptor: Not really! Utahraptor: You're assuming that for each decision, every person takes a separate route, but the vast majority of babies are doing the same thing: crying and then being confused. T-Rex: I guess the odds of my writing a story and having it be what ACTUALLY HAPPENED to some dude are pretty low, huh. God: SEE THIS IS WHAT I TOLD YOU T-REX JUST BECAUSE YOU WROTE IT DOESN'T MEAN THERE'S SOMEONE WHO IS SUPERMAN AND "JUST DOESN'T KNOW IT YET" T-Rex (punchline): [small] i thought maybe it could be me

Anyway, please, come in: I've thrown a party and invited everyone I know! Just a heads up: I will be judging gifts by size and what the cards attached do say

T-Rex: Oh crap! Did you forget not to be single this year? Did that just plain slip your mind, champ? T-Rex: WELL TOO BAD FOR YOU BECAUSE IT'S T-Rex: VALENTINE'S DAY T-Rex: AND WE NEED TO BE ALL ABOUT THAT CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED "AFFECTION MORTALS HAVE FOR THINGS THAT LIKE THEM WILL ALSO DIE" Dromiceiomimus: You mean love? Possessive monogamous romantic love? T-Rex: All sorts of love! Even NON-possessive NON-monogamous NON-romantic love! Utahraptor: What's that? T-Rex: PALS. T-Rex: Pals have other pals and you don't mind when they pal around - IN FACT, you want them to, because that means more pals for you! And it's not romantic either: it's just pals, man! Let us celebrate PAL LOVE, the exact opposite of what Hallmark wants you to buy. Utahraptor: Hooray for pals! Narrator: SOON: Off panel: "Thank you for being a friend. Travelled down the road and back again. Your heart is true: you're a pal and a confidant." Aww, what a nice card you made, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): It's totally plagiarized but the sentiment remains totally real!

NEW READERS: morris is a tiny bug that hangs out on t-rex's nose sometimes. ALSO, NEW READERS: YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR MOUSE OVER THE COMIC TO GET A LITTLE EXTRA JOKE AT THE END OKAY??

T-Rex: Hello Morris! How are you today? Morris: [flying] oh hello there t-rex! it's super nice to see a friendly face today T-Rex: It's nice to see you too, Morris! Morris: [on T-Rex's nose] aw shucks t-rex, you're a real good friend, you know that? a real good friend. anyway, you should be extra careful not to eat me today or anything because i guess i got turned into a zombie last night! today has definitely had its share of challenges for me, huh T-Rex: What?! Seriously? Morris: yeah! and i dunno what i did wrong because i went to bed like normal last night but when i woke up in the morning i had zombie disease! so it was real embarrassing Morris: but don't worry, i'm not going to turn you guys into zombies too! i wouldn't be a very good friend if i did that, and the book i got at the centre says that being a good friend is awful important! Morris: i always try to be a good friend, even though things pretty often don't work out very well for me in the end Utahraptor: Aw, Morris! You don't look very undead to me! Morris: aw, that probably just means i've messed up somewhere, again. the problem is that i'm not real good at biting people, you know? and biting people is all zombies do! i didn't know, but being a zombie is an awful hassle Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure you're not actually undead, Morris! Normally zombies can't talk. T-Rex: Yeah, or work on their Life Challenges! I think you're FINE. Morris: you mean i'm doing that wrong too? oh goodness, i must be the worst zombie going. plus that book i got out from the centre is way overdue! T-Rex (punchline): It's not too late to return it, Morris! Morris: but i promised the staff there that i'd be extra certain to return it on time! Morris: i guess i'm probably off your christmas card list this year, huh t-rex

i hereby offer "i helped run special events in the computer room" as an easy detail that makes any story, true or not, more credible

T-Rex: Oh snap! Looks like tonight I'm going to a T-Rex: BACHELOR PARTY T-Rex: PARTY... Party... party... T-Rex: (That was an echo!) T-Rex: Anyway it's going to be great. We're going to do all SORTS of things that we can't normally do at parties because WOMEN are around! Bachelor parties are DUDES ONLY. Dromiceiomimus: What have I ever prevented you from doing at a party, T-Rex? T-Rex: Um... hiring strippers and then being uncomfortable around strippers? T-Rex: In my head I mean, I never got around to proposing it Narrator: SEVERAL DAYS LATER! Utahraptor: T-Rex, where the heck have you been?! T-Rex: Only at the BEST BACHELOR PARTY IN THE WORLD!! T-Rex: And, after THAT ended at a sensible hour, I went home and caught up on my correspondence. The next day I checked out some community theatre, and then volunteered at the library! Utahraptor: Are you joking? I can't tell if you're joking. T-Rex (punchline): No, I helped run special events in the computer room. Narrator: THE END Narrator: IT WAS A REALLY GOOD BACHELOR PARTY THOUGH

...but mainly spider-man!

T-Rex: A narrative hook is when you introduce a story with something incredible so your audience will keep reading! It happens when you're told that in this comic... SPIDER-MAN! WILL!! DIE!!! Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: Narrator: NARRATIVE HOOK T-Rex: Setting, themes, and basically anything else can ALSO be used as a narrative hook, but they're all pale imitations of Spider-Man's death being announced on the first friggin' page! Compare and contrast "As the bullet sped towards his eye, Neil wryly observed that things probably couldn't get any worse!" with "As the bullet sped towards his eye, Neil suddenly remembered that by the end of the chapter, Spider-Man! Will!! Die!!! The bullet sped closer." Utahraptor: Yeah, but Spider-Man never dies! T-Rex: That's what makes it such a great hook! T-Rex: We know that, WORST CASE, Spider-Man will show up in the next issue and say "Hey did anyone miss me? I thought I was dead, but then I remembered I wasn't!" And yet we keep coming back for more! Utahraptor: And that's great? T-Rex: Yes! It's why the first sentence of ANY BOOK is improved by adding Spider-Man. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! T-Rex: Hey Shakespeare, you know what's a better first line for "The Taming of the Shrew" than "I'll pheeze you, in faith"? Off panel: no what T-Rex (punchline): BASICALLY ANYTHING

Many years later, you meet the ghost again, and it is just as spooky as the first time. Several years after that you die of natural causes! OR SHOULD I SAY 'SUPERNATURAL CAUSES'?

T-Rex: I have written the spookiest ghost story ever! It is called, "The Man Who Died And Came Back As A Ghost". T-Rex: It's spooky! It says so in the first sentence! T-Rex: It says, "It was spooky night, with a ghost! The ghost was the spookiest ghost in the world, and he was so spooky that if you saw him you'd be scared, for real!" Narrator: [with an arrow pointing at Dromiceiomimus] (unimpressed look) T-Rex: The, um T-Rex: The next paragraph is "BOO!" Utahraptor: T-Rex, you have to make your readers feel scared! You just can't tell them they're scared. T-Rex: Sure I can! T-Rex: "The ghost explains that even if you were just reading about these events later, you'd still be scared. You realize with a chill that he is right." Utahraptor: It's a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book? T-Rex: It is now! It is if that's the format I have to use to tell my readers that they're scared! Narrator: LATER T-REX GIVES A READING OF HIS NEW BOOK: T-Rex (punchline): Turn to page 32 to be spooked by the spooky ghost! Turn to page 14 if you'd rather see the same ghost and be TERRIFIED!

LISTEN EVERYONE DO NOT GO AND ENGAGE IN SEXUAL CONGRESS BECAUSE OF THIS COMIC, I CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE

Narrator: "HOW TO LIVE A MEANINGFUL LIFE" Narrator: featuring Narrator: TALKING DINOSAURS T-Rex: That's me! T-Rex: Many people wish to know how to live a meaningful life! T-Rex: These people include newborn babies, youth, mature young adults, disenchanted middle-agers, executives - heck, even your own next-door neighbour may be secretely interested in living a meaningful life! T-Rex: Some say dedicating your life to helping others is the key. Utahraptor: That sounds like a good start! T-Rex: However, these people are WRONG. The only way to truly live a meaningful life is to engage in sexual congress with a large number of partners! Utahraptor: What? Utahraptor: Seriously, what? T-Rex: Hah hah, okay, you got me! I was just fooling. Good one though, eh? T-Rex (punchline): Seriously, helping others is alright.

the king of the dance is distinct from the lord of the dance in several dance-centric ways

T-Rex: Oh man... best wedding ever! T-Rex: And with my new dance moves, I "tore up the dance floor"! Dromiceiomimus: Are you sure it wasn't just a confidence thing? A sort of "the new dance moves were in you all along" thing? T-Rex: I was - until you asked! Hmmm... Utahraptor: So, T-Rex! How did it go? T-Rex: It went fine! T-Rex: But I'm beginning to suspect that the dance moves were in me all along! Utahraptor: No, that's wrong. I taught you the dance moves. T-Rex: Are you sure? Cause I sure felt like I was the King of the Dance that night! T-Rex: To clarify, I meant to imply that the King of the Dance was self-taught! T-Rex (punchline): I should have mentioned that sooner; otherwise, my statement makes less sense.

we thought getting them both to the same party would be a good idea. WE WERE FOOLS, EACH AND ALL BLINDED BY HOPE

T-Rex: Hello! Do you have a corporation? Perhaps you ARE a corporation, making its first shambling steps towards sentience? Either way, you need a slogan, and for that you need... Narrator: T-REX'S CORPORATE SLOGAN GENERATOR T-Rex: First, pick your favourite adjective. May I suggest "Trending", "Collectable", or "Brownish"? Then pick your second-favourite adjective, like "Community", "Actionable", or "Macabre". Don't worry, we're almost done! Finally, pick a noun or verb and it helps if it's related to what you do. For example "Tweeting", "Services", or if you have a terrible imagination, "Corporation". Utahraptor: Okay so... now what? T-Rex: Slap a period after each word and you're done, babies! T-Rex: You're now totally down with trendy corporate slogans! Or should I say, "Trendy. Corporate. Slogans."? Utahraptor: Coke: Brownish. Affordable. Drinkproduct. T-Rex: Oh man, is Mr. Coke here? Because I think I hear him getting his chequebook out! T-Rex: Yep, he's being pretty noisy about it! T-Rex: Oh no, now that he's got his wallet out he's pulling other things out of his pocket too! He's got a gun!! He's shooting Mr. Pepsi!! T-Rex (punchline): Oh noooooooo why can't my favourite corporations just get along???

SHAKESPEARE i know it's not your best play, but you could at least use a friggin' napkin!

T-Rex: Chekhov's gun is when you have something conspicuously introduced early on in the story, but which doesn't become important until later on! It happens whenever Shakespeare loudly mentions how he loves Pop Tarts, and later he eats a bunch of Pop Tarts! Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: Narrator: CHEKHOV'S GUN T-Rex: It comes from this playwright Chekhov, who said that if you have a gun on the stage in the first act of a play, it had better be fired by the third! It's been used to sustain interest since forever: James Bond often gets a bunch of gadgets at the beginning of his movie which he'll use later on, and even Perseus got gadgets from the GODS to kill Medusa with! It's the same idea, only Bond's better because he has more explosions. Looks like you lose, Perseus!! Utahraptor: So if you have Bond getting gadgets that he doesn't use, that's not Chekhov's Gun? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: That's just FRUSTRATED EXPECTATIONS. Honestly, why give James Bond a gun that shoots piranhas if he's never going to fire it? People truly want to see that in action. Also: guns that shoot chainsaws. Utahraptor: I'd like to see your Bond movie. T-Rex: I WOULD TOO, darn it. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! T-Rex: Shakespeare, which is better: a gun that shoots chainsaws, or a gun that shoots EVEN BIGGER GUNS? T-Rex: Shakespeare? T-Rex (punchline): Aw, come on! There's strawberry frosting all over "As You Like It"!

listen: the robert service poem should be read in a slow, growly voice.

Narrator: "DINOSAUR COMICS" by Morley Callaghan. Text: It is true that as a dinosaur, the T-Rex should have been inclined toward gnashing his ferocious jaws and making claws of his little hands, but he had been stomping things for so long that no one remembered a time when he had gnashed instead of stomped. Text: Inside, he wanted to gnash, but he doubted himself. He knew that he could stomp. He was not sure he could gnash. Narrator: "DINOSAUR COMICS" by Robert Service. Text: Well it was long ago, on some grim plateau, When this story first was told, About a land in fear made more severe By a terrible threat of old. Text: And though the men were brave, the risks were grave In these misty days of yore; None could ever be safe, in this ancient place, From the threat of Dinosaur. Text: Now the dinosaurs had their fearsome roars, But they had their friendships, too; And while they stalked they often talked, And debated what was true. Narrator: "DINOSAUR COMICS" by Kurt Vonnegut. Text: Dinosaurs were giant reptiles that lived long ago. They looked like this:

haters try to keep up

T-Rex: Stories GUARANTEED To Make You Say, "Ahhhh, So Scary"! - by me, T-Rex! T-Rex: One time a dude went to sleep alone in a scary zone, like, a cave or a spooky abandoned cabin. T-Rex: Outside, a really bad storm raged! Yikes! T-Rex: SOMEHOW, he survived the night, and when the dude woke up the next morning, he checked his phone. Dromiceiomimus: And? T-Rex: It was hard to get reception where he was! He was really annoyed because he liked to check Twitter first thing every morning and now he couldn't. He went back to his regular home and checked Twitter there. Utahraptor: And? AND?? T-Rex: There was nothing that great on Twitter. T-Rex: Several days later he was going through his phone pictures - Utahraptor: - AND FOUND CREEPY PICTURES OF HIM SLEEPING IN THE SCARY ZONE?? T-Rex: No, there were some nice shots of his cat that he took before. If you enjoyed this story, say "Ahhhh, So Scary"! T-Rex: However, if you did NOT enjoy this story, express your displeasure by saying "Ahhhh, So Scary"!! T-Rex: CHECK AND MATE, HATERS T-Rex (punchline): WE'RE PLAYING CHESS NOW, HATERS

i play it so safe that i never even assume someone is female! like many, i play it cool till someone stone cold drops a pronoun

Narrator: LIFE HACKS FOR MEN T-Rex: Men! Are you looking to "hack" your life? Too bad that doesn't make any sense!! T-Rex: I do however have some tips for m- Narrator: TIPS FOR MEN T-Rex: -en! T-Rex: Tips for men, yeah! T-Rex: The first tip is this: never ever ask if a woman is pregnant, because she might not be pregnant and then not only have you just called her fat, you've just implied she has a glow as if LIFE ITSELF is developing inside her body. Dromiceiomimus: Assuming she's a mammal! T-Rex: Yes! Also: NEVER ASSUME A WOMAN IS A MAMMAL. Utahraptor: Another good tip is to only buy one colour of socks! T-Rex: Indeed! T-Rex: If all you have are black socks of the exact same size and style, then they'll all match forever and you can lose one and it's no biggie. Utahraptor: Assuming you wear socks, anyway. T-Rex: If you don't wear socks then you've ALREADY levelled up to ultimate convenience. God: T-REX THESE TIPS WORK FOR WOMEN AS WELL AS MEN SO THE QUESTION IS WHY ARE YOU DIVIDING THIS ALONG GENDER LINES T-Rex: Nuh-uh! The real question is this: T-Rex (punchline): How come you eavesdrop on me SO MUCH; this is a PRIVATE CONVERSATION between BROS?

god's just joking, he still really likes utahraptor! EVERYONE REALLY LIKES UTAHRAPTOR, cept for "garrulous gary", a title-text only character i just made up. let's say he's a... talking dog?

God: T-REX DID YOU KNOW THAT THE WORD WITH THE MOST CONSECUTIVE DOUBLE LETTERS IN ENGLISH IS BOOKKEEPER T-Rex: Incorrect, my friend! T-Rex: The longest word with these properties is actually "bookkeeppaaddrringo"! God: THAT'S NOT A WORD T-Rex: Sure it is! I just used it while speaking English; it is thus an English word! God: OKAY FINE BUT IT'S NOT A REAL WORD IT'S NOT A WORD THAT PEOPLE KNOW T-Rex: Man, if I use it often enough it will be! It's just not well-known YET. God: FINE WHICH WORD IN CURRENT USAGE HAS THE MOST - T-Rex: Usage depends on the speaker. Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: Oh, God was claiming that the English word with the most consecutive double letters is "bookkeeper" but I was letting him know that it's actually - Utahraptor: "Bookkeeppaaddrringo", right? T-Rex: Oh my god! Exactly!! God: HEY YOU KNOW WHAT T-REX T-Rex (punchline): What? God: I'M LIKE 99% SURE I USED TO LIKE THAT GUY

expect a comic looking forward to snowmen and sliding on ice in november, i am as fickle as a summer's rain, yet twice as sweet

T-Rex: It's winter again in less than nine months, Dromiceiomimus! And you know what that means! T-Rex: STAYING HOME A LOT AND NOT DOING MUCH T-Rex: Oh man, are we going to WATCH MORE TV THAN MAYBE WE'D PREFER in less than nine months? Dromiceiomimus: We are going to TALK TO EACH OTHER UNTIL EVERYONE IS BORED as soon as the weather gets super cold, T-Rex!! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, we live in a place and time that insists summer can't last forever, and to that I say: FRIG THAT. Utahraptor: Spring's not even here yet and you're complaining about winter? T-Rex: Next winter though! Utahraptor: Look, if you had a summer that lasted forever, you'd never have the excitement of spring. T-Rex: Hmm... I guess in the case of eternal summer I could contemplate your point.. IN A HAMMOCK ON THE BEACH WHILE SIPPING JUICE OUT OF A COCONUT SHELL!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: It's - T-Rex (punchline): It's often too cold to do that in winter

i feel like i should remind you of this fun fact: everyone who ever died is WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW

T-Rex: Have you ever wanted to study the paranormal? Probably, huh? Well bros, today is your lucky day because we're going up to my attic and examining all those ghosts up there! T-Rex: Let's see what they REALLY want, bros!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Anyway, Dromiceiomimus, it turns out all the ghosts really wanted to do was sit quietly and be invisible and impossible to touch. Dromiceiomimus: Ghosts, huh? T-Rex: Ghosts! They're pretty boring! I guess when you die you're like "Finally, a chance to be invisible and undetectable. I'm not wasting this opportunity by talking to some living dude." Nobody even threw a plate! Utahraptor: Well, it's only poltergeists that throw things! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: Yeah dude, all poltergeists are ghosts but not all ghosts are poltergeists. You're only one if you've got enough psychokinetic energy in you to interact with the physical plane. Of course, some locations carry their own PK energy. T-Rex: Hah hah of course T-Rex: [thinks] I wanted to talk about how ghosts are really just the ultimate creepy voyeurs but Utahraptor knows way more than me about ghosts T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] So he probably already knows they're really just the ultimate creepy voyeurs

hello! my name is t-rex. do you like... OPINIONS?

Narrator: EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS T-Rex: Relationships are when you put two people in a jar, and then, you shake the jar! T-Rex: And relationships are complicated and stuff, but DON'T WORRY: you know how many folks there are on the planet? Almost SEVEN BILLION FOLKS. That's so many folks; if you screw up with one of 'em, you can always start fresh with someone new! I'll say it again because it's totally worth repeating: there are SO MANY FOLKS. Utahraptor: Burn your bridges? T-Rex: No, man! T-Rex: Just say "Look, I think it's pretty clear SOMEONE messed up this relationship. But listen, whatever, there's literally BILLIONS of other people to talk to, so NO BIGGIE." Utahraptor: I'm not sure this is good advice. T-Rex: Don't be so negative! This is EXCELLENT ADVICE. T-Rex: If you continue to be so negative, man, I can just find someone else to talk to! Billions of other potential friends, remember? Off panel: Yeah, but how do you find them? T-Rex: Hello? Dialing 555-0001 and then 0002 and then 0003? T-Rex (punchline): And then talking about my INTERESTS??

if you think it's so dogs can drink from the toilet, dogs can learn to use the faucet instead! now THAT is a future worth fighting for, my friends

T-Rex: When I flush the toilet, it fills again with perfectly safe drinking water. We poop in water we could drink! T-Rex: That's - that's kind of crazy, you guys! T-Rex: We do EVERYTHING with potable water. Washing dishes in drinkable water: makes sense! Washing clothes in potable water: maybe, I guess? But I don't see any reason why POOP WATER should be drinkable. We should be filling our toilets with recycled water that's already been used for washing clothes or whatever! Utahraptor: I agree with you, T-Rex! T-Rex: Really? Utahraptor: I think we're really privileged, yeah, and I think it's a pretty terrible image that while there are places where clean drinking water is a luxury if it's available at all, we are literally pooping in it. T-Rex: ...That's true, huh? Wow. You've politicized my pooping! Narrator: LATER, PERFORMING AID WORK IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA: T-Rex: Alright! The sooner everyone has clean drinking water, the sooner I can go back to enjoying my poops!! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] frig, wait, hold on, i just meant to think that

well sir, seems to me that going to the movies with a t-rex would always be a treat

T-Rex: As the fantastic fellow that I am, I've decided to reward my friends for their hard years of friendship! T-Rex: I will be rewarding them by giving out prizes: anything their heart desires! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I would like to reward you for being my friend! What would you like? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I didn't become your friend because of the chance of a reward! I'm not sure this is a good idea: people might find it insulting! T-Rex: Is that true? Could others take my offer of prizes to be an insult? Utahraptor: Easily! Utahraptor: Here's why: it implies that being your friend is somehow deserving of recompense. You insult yourself, but you also insult us, because if we were truly your friends, we wouldn't want prizes! The fact that you are offering them implies you think we'd take them, which implies that you think our friendship is insincere! T-Rex: Good God, you're right! Let me make this up to you. We'll go to the movies! T-Rex: That'll be fun, eh? T-Rex (punchline): My treat!

scientific inaccuracies in this comic: dinosaurs did not have nipples. that's it!

T-Rex: It's been warm and then hot and then uncomfortably hot and then warm again, which suggests to me that T-Rex: SUMMER HAS ARRIVED WOOOO! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, hooray for summer!! Would you like to come with me and Utahraptor to the cottage this weekend? Dromiceiomimus: I'd love to! T-Rex: Woohoo! This promises to be the best weekend ever in the history of time! Narrator: THAT MONDAY: Utahraptor: Thanks for an awesome weekend, T-Rex! T-Rex: Aw, my pleasure! T-Rex: Hey, I got my pictures developed, by the way! Utahraptor: Oh man, pass them over! T-Rex: You'll notice that one of my nipples is highlighted in several of the pictures! T-Rex (punchline): Just "FYI"!

alright alright, officer, i'll move along

T-Rex: If we all disappeared tomorrow, what would the world be like? T-Rex: Short answer: PRETTY AWESOME! T-Rex: Awesome in the "oh MAN do I love disaster movies where everybody dies" sort of way. You can pretty much imagine it yourself! Within a few hours or days, the power goes off and a few nuclear power plants fail, which could be Problems. And then it's just decay! Concrete cracks, buildings collapse, and nature reasserts itself. Streets and buildings become grassland and hills. Also, all canvas and paper decays and is eaten by tiny bugs. T-Rex: So much for the timelessness of art, HUH ARTISTS?? Utahraptor: Not all art! Utahraptor: Things like bronze statues and plastic figurines would probably survive for millions of years, especially if they were buried or underwater. Unless... you don't consider statuary to be art? T-Rex: You know I don't! You know I'm gonna be so sarcastic to the next statue I see. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Nice "horse", statue!!

frig? no man, it's a great word. people use it all the time in the - distant past from which i am from?

Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: LEITWORTSTIL T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for leitwortstil! T-Rex: Leitwortstil is the purposeful repetition of words or phrases in a story, you guys! T-Rex: For example, a dog might always be described as "that wacky jerk" in a story, to underline what a wacky jerk that dog turned out to be. Or in a collection of stories, the same phrase might appear in each story, which helps tie them together as a whole! Leitwortstil ALSO happens when a character says the same word over and over and over again. Utahraptor: You mean like a catch phrase? T-Rex: Sure! Utahraptor: I'm not sure that counts as leitwortstil, does it? If it's just someone saying "Gee golly jeepers!", and there's no theme or motif associated with it - then it's just there for laughs, isn't it? T-Rex: My friend, I believe you are unfortunately TOTES WRONG on this one! Narrator: MEANWHILE IN TUDOR ENGLAND T-Rex: I stubbed my toe! Frig frig frig frig frig! ...Hey, Shakespeare! I just leitwortstiled "frig"! Off panel: t-rex i'm from when "rowboat" could be spelt "rhowbhoatte" and even i don't think leitwortstiled is a word T-Rex (punchline): ...I think it's broken!

I ADDITIONALLY TAKE PAINS NOT TO PROMISE DAMAGE-FREE ENCOUNTERS WITH MORTAL FOES IN THE HEADY REALM OF IMAGINATION

Devil: T-REX CAN YOU RATE YOUR FAMILIARITY WITH CLASSIC PEN-AND-PAPER RPGS Devil: ALSO KNOWN AS RPGS T-Rex: I don't know what they are, man! Let's talk about something else - like chicks! Devil: CHICKS ARE NOT AS MULTIFACETED AS A TRUE PEN-AND-PAPER ROLE PLAYING GAME T-REX Devil: IN WHICH ONE PERSON IS THE GAME MASTER AND TELLS EVERYONE ELSE WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM Devil: FOR EXAMPLE Devil: YOU HAVE KILLED AN ORC Devil: TO WHICH THE PLAYERS REPLY Devil: INDEED T-Rex: RPGs sound like nerd games that nerds play! With - with nerds! Utahraptor: That's pretty closed-minded, T-Rex! Utahraptor: You shouldn't be so biased against them. They're really just collaborative storytelling with especially terrible PR and easily stereotyped players. But they're probably fun! I imagine! T-Rex: Have you ever played one? Utahraptor: Nope! Devil: I INVITE YOU ALL TO PLAY RPGS WITH ME TONIGHT T-REX T-Rex (punchline): I'm not going to Hell just to play RPGs! Devil: I PROMISE ONLY FLAVOURED CHIPS AND HIGH ADVENTURE

We're all waiting, but especially me and Robo-T. Robot-T. I haven't decided on the name yet but STILL.

T-Rex: What happens tomorrow is based on what happens today. T-Rex: Guys! T-Rex: I can make tomorrow totally awesome! T-Rex: I just have to be slightly less awesome today! T-Rex: Awesomeness builds on itself. If I build a robot suit today, that's pretty awesome, but if tomorrow I change it so it can hold a sign that says "HEY GUYS LOOK WHAT I DID INSTEAD OF CHECKING MY EMAIL", that's even more awesome. Dromiceiomimus: Okay, so be awesome today! Build that robot suit! T-Rex: Well I WOULD, except I TOTALLY DON'T KNOW HOW. Utahraptor: So start learning about robot suits. Baby steps! T-Rex: Again: totally would if I totally could! T-Rex: But robot suits are years off; it's not like I can just download a technical manual. Utahraptor: So work on solving some of the problems that are between us and fully functional robot suits! T-Rex: That WOULD pay off in intense awesomeness down the road! Okay. I'll do it!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear mathematicians, engineers, and neuro-silicon biolink dudes! Um, this stuff is way over my head. THE FUTURE WE ALL WANT IS WAITING FOR YOU TO KNOCK THIS ONE OUT OF THE PARK. Do it before I die, okay? T-Rex (punchline): That's a deal, okay?

fantasy IS the headiest of the realms

God: T-REX YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON LEFT ALIVE ON EARTH WHAT DO YOU DO T-Rex: I'm the last person left alive on Earth? Oh crap OH CRAP oh crap!! T-Rex: Ohhhhhhhh craaaaaaa- T-Rex: -ap! Also frig! T-Rex: Oh crap OH CRAP oh hey, Dromiceiomimus! You're still alive! Dromiceiomimus: Yep! ACTUALLY, I've been still alive since the day I was born. T-Rex: But that means - God lied to me! ...Unless he was proposing a hypothetical situation, which in retrospect he was 100% doing. Utahraptor: Maybe you really ARE the last one alive, but in response to the stress you went INSANE, imagining we're all still here! Utahraptor: You're surrounded by the collapsed remains of civilization, and your mind is now consoling itself by retreating into the heady realm of fantasy! T-Rex: Utahraptor, please. My imagination is super terrible; if reality was all in my head I'm sure we'd ALL be able to tell. T-Rex: I'll prove it! This is me imagining what you look like, having just seen you seconds ago! Floating Batman head: [in T-Rex's imagination] I am an orange dinosaur T-Rex (punchline): Okay you can't see that but I actually did a pretty good job.

horace fletcher was basically a dude who said that you should chew each bite of food 32 times each (one bite for each tooth), and people at the time said, okay, i guess that makes sense, and then fletcher got the nickname 'the great masticator' but later on he died anyway

T-Rex: I went through a document of 100 million English words and counted each of them. You'll never guess what the most-often-used verb form in the English language is! T-Rex: It's "is"! T-Rex: The second-most-often used is "was", then "be" and "are" and "have" and "had". Dromiceiomimus: These are all pretty boring words, T-Rex. Most are just forms of the same verb! T-Rex: This is not my fault! People just talk about being and having a lot. What we need to do is spice up our conversations with more interesting verbs! Utahraptor: Hey, let's start doing this right now! T-Rex: YES. Motion passes! Utahraptor: Okay! So, um... let's- fletcherize? T-Rex: Dude, that's not a conversation! That's just using a Victorian-era verb (which means to chew one's food thoroughly) without any context! Utahraptor: Well - I was asking if you wanted to chew your food thoroughly, that's all! T-Rex: Oh, okay! I guess I do, a little. T-Rex (punchline): D-Do you want to do it at your place or mine?

patrick self-publishes his own newsletter and sells it to friends and neighbours. 25 cents!

T-Rex: I have discovered the ultimate secret to comedy! The more obscure a joke is, the less people there are who'll get it, but the MORE they'll find it correspondingly HILARIOUS! I suspect this law progresses geometrically. T-Rex: For example! T-Rex: Let's say I have a joke about how cats like to sleep. NOT VERY FUNNY, right Dromiceiomimus? Everyone who's met a sleepy ol' cat can get that. But if I have a joke about how, say, an obscure programming language is pretty wacky, then people who know that language will feel like I'm talking to them! They laugh both at the joke AND in recognition. Comedy increases, and the only reasonable conclusion is "laughs ahoy!" T-Rex: So logically, ALL I HAVE TO DO is find a really rich guy and tell him a joke only HE'D find funny, and I'm set for life! Utahraptor: Huh? T-Rex: Dude, rich people LOVE to give people money when they make them laugh! And I'm going to track down Patrick Stewart and make him laugh SO HARD. You don't even know. Utahraptor: Patrick Stewart? Is he really that loaded that he gives money away for funny jokes? T-Rex (punchline): Um, HE COMMANDED THE ENTERPRISE? Newspaper cover: [in gothic font] The Patric Stewart Press Newspaper cover: january 2007 - 25 cents - “all my views and news” Newspaper cover: [in a frame containing a picture of T-Rex] this guy's hilarious! Newspaper cover: [next to the frame] who is this guy? Newspaper cover: plus: i review the new MACBOOKS

WARNING: IF YOU ARE A DUDE AT WORK THEN THEY CAN FIRE YOU NOW FOR HAVING TOO MANY BONERS

Narrator: DISEASE COMICS today's disease: Narrator: SMOOCHITIS T-Rex: Smoochitis is when you have a MEDICAL case of the smooches! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do YOU have smoochitis? Dromiceiomimus: I don't know, T-Rex! I might! T-Rex: We should smooch to make extra sure! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Man, I can't believe that worked! T-Rex: She had smoochitis!! T-Rex: The only cure: FURTHER SMOOCHING. Symptoms include smooches and caressing about the neck. And buttocks? Utahraptor: I know how smoochitis develops, yeah. T-Rex (punchline): It's my SPECIALITY, baby! Narrator: WARNING: THE PRECEDING EROTICA WAS EXTREMELY SEXUALLY CHARGED

a google search for "it's all thanks to sperm" returns zero results. really, everyone? that's the internet we've built? really?

T-Rex: Guys, it's not hard to stay fully unknowable even to yourself. There's an easy way to go through life and still have mysteries. All you have to do is... T-Rex: ...donate some friggin' sperm! T-Rex: Find a program where they don't inform you when your sperm is used, and you're done! From now on, you'll NEVER KNOW if you've got a particular descendant - a child! - running around. People will say, "Hey, do you have any biological descendants?" and you'll be able to say "Man, WHO KNOWS??" Plus, you've done it all without the hassle of unplanned pregnancies! Utahraptor: And this is appealing, T-Rex? T-Rex: Oh yes! Entirely. T-Rex: Wouldn't you love to be able to imagine every stranger of a certain age as your child? Utahraptor, it's a guaranteed sense of wonder for the rest of your life! Utahraptor: That's kind of cool, actually. T-Rex: I know! And it's all thanks to sperm! God: T-REX DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES YOU'VE OFFERED "DONATE SOME FRIGGIN' SPERM" AS A SOLUTION TO AN APPARENTLY INSOLUBLE PROBLEM T-Rex (punchline): Sixteen times? God: THAT IS God: AMAZINGLY God: PRECISELY CORRECT

the real question is why strongmen don't wear clothing scaled to their physique, only the incredible hulk has a plausible excuse and even HE takes care of it when it comes to his party shorts

T-Rex: God, you're omnipotent, right? Which means you can do ANYTHING? God: SURE God: I GUESS T-Rex: Super! T-Rex: Then I would like for you to create... A ROCK SO HEAVY THAT YOU COULD NEVER LIFT IT!! God: OKAY DONE T-Rex: What? You just did it? God: YES AND LET ME TELL YOU God: THIS God: MY FRIEND God: IS ONE HEAVY ROCK T-Rex: Man, that was SUPPOSED to illustrate the paradox of omnipotence! Utahraptor: Ah, yes! Utahraptor: If you can do anything, then you can do things that prevent yourself from doing other things, and therefore, you can't do anything. T-Rex (punchline): Yeah, except I asked God to make a rock he couldn't lift, and he did! Utahraptor: Well, this could mean he's not omnipotent anymore! God: NO MAN I CHANGED MYSELF SO I CAN LIFT IT AND NOW I'M SO RIPPED THAT WHEN I FLEX MY SHIRT TEARS OPEN God: THE REAL QUESTION IS CAN I MAKE A SHIRT SO TOUGH THAT MY NEW MUSCLES WON'T TEAR IT God: PRETTY SURE THE ANSWER IS NOPE

A CAUTIONARY TALE!!

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for talking about my love... T-Rex: ...my love of George Clooney, that is!! Dromiceiomimus: I didn't know you liked George Clooney! T-Rex: I love him! I think he's great. He was good in the medical comedy "E/R", the medical drama "ER", and he was not the worst Batman from the original movie arc! Dromiceiomimus: Would you say that you're a... Cloonatic? T-Rex: Hah! I would say that I might have a touch of Cloonacy!! T-Rex: Did you know that he was named a "messenger of peace" by the United Nations, Utahraptor? Utahraptor: I did not! T-Rex: Yep! AND, he was given the title of "Sexiest man alive" by People Magazine TWICE. Utahraptor: Too bad you're heterosexual, huh? T-Rex: I know, right? Sometimes I worry I like George Clooney TOO much, but then I realize: there's no such thing as too much love for George Clooney!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): I have Chloomydia

fictional jimbo wales, you old charmer! PS: CLICK TO SEE WHAT I DID YESTERDAY. I WROTE A MANIFESTO.

T-Rex: The Problem with Wikipedia is that it's peppered with vandalism at various times and at various locations: vandalism that remains until it's noticed by someone who knows enough and cares enough to fix it! SOMETIMES THIS CAN TAKE A WHILE. But! T-Rex: [small] *ahem* T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen: I have solved the Wikipedia Problem! T-Rex: The solution is as brilliant as it is awesome: instead of vandalizing the ENTIRE encyclopedia, we all just agree to vandalize one article, leaving the other ones alone! That article is the one about chickens. Why? It's pretty obvious. DUDES ALREADY KNOW ABOUT CHICKENS. T-Rex: In conceding that one TINY article to the vandals, Wikipedia wins! Their victory: a FULLY ACCURATE encyclopedia that covers every topic in the universe, 'cept chickens. Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is worse than taking on the mob! Wikipedia will be HELLUVA mad at you! T-Rex: No way! I am doing them a FAVOUR. T-Rex: Their vandalism problem GOES AWAY, FOREVER, and all that I ask is that chickens become The Forbidden Topic. "We never talk about chickens", they can say. "DON'T ASK." Utahraptor: But how are you going to get people to respect this idea? Plus, IS IT NOT TRUE THAT MANY WIKIPEDIA EDITORS ARE TRULY HUMOURLESS ABOUT WIKIPEDIA?? T-Rex: I guess we're about to find out! I bet Fictional Jimbo Wales loves the idea. Off panel: I do love this idea, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Fictional Jimbo Wales! You brought cupcakes!!

"Nobody talks about ANY ninja turtles for months and months, but as soon as I mention "ninja teams" suddenly everybody has an opinion! Well it's too late, alright? I got there first, and it's ninja teams."

God: T-REX YESTERDAY YOU SAID THAT SPLINTER TAUGHT THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES TO BE NINJA TEAMS T-Rex: I did and I stand by it! God: UM God: PRETTY SURE THE LYRICS SAY HE TAUGHT THEM TO BE NINJA TEENS T-Rex: Listen, okay, you don't have to be taught how to be a ninja TEEN. If you're a ninja and you're a teen, then you're already being a ninja teen! But working in groups can be a challenge, especially for siblings, and Splinter provided valuable leadership and guidance on that matter and that's what the lyrics are saying. He taught them to be ninja TEAMS. Utahraptor: But they always operate as a group, right? There's really only one ninja team, singular. T-Rex: EVERYONE IS WRONG BUT ME T-Rex: And I'll prove it to you! I'll track down Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird and find out, alright? And then you'll all have to apologize to me and say, "Oh, T-Rex, I was so wrong! Teamwork is the REAL treasure." Utahraptor: What - T-Rex: I'm doing it!! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: Can't we all just agree that Raphael is cool? But, ON OCCASION, he can also be crude. T-Rex: Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman! T-Rex (punchline): I must request that you give me a break!

aww

T-Rex: I have taken the aesthetics and beliefs of the romanticism movement and adopted them for my own! T-Rex: I now emphasize my own subjective experience as visionary and trancendental! T-Rex: I no longer value piety or virtue, or constancy (or consistency), or even the search for scientific truth! I only value my own capacity for experience! T-Rex: As a consequence, my own actions can no longer be judged by any public idea of right and wrong! As experience is amoral, even my own conscience cannot judge my actions, and I am free from reproach and judgment! Utahraptor: But T-Rex, this is nothing more than deifying the ego, defiant of conventional morality! Utahraptor: You've chosen for yourself a philosophy that justifies everything you do as good, simply because you did it! Now tell me, how is that a useful moral and ethical system? T-Rex: Well, um, Utahraptor: "Well, um" exactly! T-Rex (punchline): I thought maybe we'd have a good time discussing it?

floating batman head = good name for band, feel free to use that (i dunno you may want to check with DC Comics first??)

T-Rex: Last year some folks made some friggin' mistakes! This year, I'm going to make exactly zero mistakes. And this year starts... several days ago!! T-Rex: Attention, world! It is now LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to be wrong! Dromiceiomimus: That's a high bar to set, T-Rex! We all make mistakes, and little ones aren't really a big deal. T-Rex: Maybe for you, my friend! For me, I enjoy only being 100% correct 100% of the time. Dromiceiomimus: Okay! What's 11 divided by 34.1? T-Rex: Um... a number?? Utahraptor: Ah, the "not wrong but also not meaningfully correct" route! T-Rex: It's technically correct! Utahraptor: I believe you'll find someone who takes the risk of being wrong is preferred to someone who is never wrong but never says anything worth saying. T-Rex: ...FINE. 11 divided by 34.1 is... 55.68? Utahraptor: You're off by almost 200 times the actual number. Floating Batman head: T-Rex, I'd hoped I'd never say this, but - you've let me down! T-Rex: Noooooo T-Rex (punchline): I hoped you'd never say that tooooo

send not to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for <points to someone else> she

T-Rex: Is it that time again? Has the hour finally been struck? Should I send not to know for whom the bell tolls, because it tolls for me? IS IT TRULY TIME... T-Rex: ...FOR MORE "EUPHEMISMS" FOR SEX?? T-Rex: Okay! Let's call sex "wacky times for two or more, but actually usually one", "kinda weird hugs" "kinda weird hugs with benefits", or "annoying the bed". Dromiceiomimus: And let's call kissing "the check to see if my lips are smushy". T-Rex: "The double-check"! Utahraptor: And what of oral sex? T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR! The most salacious of all raptors! T-Rex: How about "mouthrotica"? "Switching to handsfree mode"? "Racking up roaming charges"? "Checking to see if 3G access is available in my area"? Utahraptor: Those became less funny and more "things you do with cellphones". T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex (punchline): I've got my own problems, AND a new cellphone.

by reading this secret text, you have added "SWEET WATERGUN" to your inventory. you can now play the game again, but this time, feel free to squirt everything

Narrator: BREAKFAST Narrator: a choose-your-own-adventure comic T-Rex: It's time for breakfast! If you decide to eat, turn to panel 3. But if you're not hungry yet, turn to panel 2! T-Rex: Hah! YOU DIED, jerk!! NO BACKSIES. You're totally dead now! T-Rex: Okay, super, you're hungry! You feel as if you've somehow avoided meeting with a terrible fate, but also as if your EVERY ACTION may result in calamity for you today. So! Will you have cereal or toast? Dromiceiomimus: If you have toast, turn to panel 4! T-Rex: If you have WAY MORE DELICIOUS CEREAL, turn to panel 2! T-Rex: Man, this toast is pretty okay, but you realize you should probably turn to panel 2. Utahraptor: Turn to panel 5! T-Rex: As you eat the toast you choke on it! Oh no! You're definitely about to die. To accept your fate, turn to panel 2! To perform the Heimlich maneuver on yourself, turn to panel 2. Utahraptor: There's only one chance! Turn to panel 2 but then warp to panel 6! T-Rex: You have catastrophically failed at breakfast, yet, paradoxically, won at this comic. You begin to wonder if text is the best medium for a game but there's no time for that now!! You are a zombie. You are the dead REANIMATED. T-Rex (punchline): Go visit a scientist, we'd all love to know how that works!

in panel four, was t-rex going to say "fancy moustaches" or was he going to say "fancy moustache monkeys"? we may never know.

T-Rex: With the right clothes, you can dress up fancy; you can look both super attractive AND ultimate sexy. T-Rex: Hello? Why aren't we wearing these clothes all the time?? Dromiceiomimus: For one, they're expensive! And even if you get a deal, clothes that work perfectly on you are more rare than clothes that look just kinda okay, and there's only so many hours in a day to look at and think about clothes. T-Rex: I supp- Dromiceiomimus: Also, some clothes that make you look awesome are uncomfortable, so you wouldn't want to wear them all the time! Utahraptor: Plus, if we dressed up fancy all the time, what would we do for special occasions? T-Rex: Fancy moust- Utahraptor: And finally, this whole discussion is ridiculous because some folks DO dress up fancy all the time. You know what we call them? WELL-DRESSED. T-Rex: I call them "hey there hot st- Utahraptor: And variety is important too: well-dressed folks are helped by the casual dress standard. T-Rex: [thinks] Frig, my friends spoke the whole time! They talked all over me and didn't let me speak at all! T-Rex: [thinks] Huh! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] So THAT'S what that feels like

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TROUBLE BEING: there is embedded advice for you in panel five. also! this is the second time i've written 'bitches' in my comic. I KNOW. here is a ryan north secret to comedy: once in a while, you can add 'bitches' after an old saying and TOTALLY get away with it. hopefully!

T-Rex: I've written a draft of a new book! The book is called, "How To Be Awesome". T-Rex: I know! It's totally the book I was meant to write! T-Rex: In the book, I tell people that the key to being awesome is to do awesome things at awesome times. Dromiceiomimus: You know T-Rex, you sure are using the word 'awesome' a lot. Is your vocabulary really that limited? T-Rex: You're right! I'm not certain if overusing 'awesome' is, in fact, awesome. I'll cut it out for a bit while I consider the issue! Utahraptor: So wait, I missed it - what's your new book about? T-Rex: Um... it's called - "How to Be"? T-Rex: And in the book, I tell people that the key to being is to do things at times. T-Rex: Hey. It'll rule. Narrator: "HOW TO BE" FAILS TO RULE IN AT LEAST FOUR DIFFERENT WAYS: T-Rex: I now realize that replacing 'awesome' with a semantically similar word, rather than dropping it entirely, would have been a more viable course of action. T-Rex (punchline): Live and learn, bitches!

haha, that's not true! you can still benefit from the placebo effect even if you know about it; LET YOUR FAITH IN THE AUTHORITY OF INTERNET CARTOONISTS CONVINCE YOUR BODY OF THIS

T-Rex: What day of the week is it? IT'S NOT IMPORTANT, because all that matters is that today it's time for another... T-Rex: ...SECRET of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! T-Rex: Doctors have a difficult job: you come in with symptoms and you expect a diagnosis. And sometimes that's really hard! Hate to break it to you, Chuckles, but there's always the chance it's all in your head. Dromiceiomimus: There's also the chance your symptoms represent a new and terrible disease unknown to medical science! T-Rex: And in both these cases a doctor may feel pressured to come up with a reassuring label! Utahraptor: So what do they do? T-Rex: They MAKE IT UP! T-Rex: It's called a wastebasket diagnosis: a disease with symptoms so broad as to be effectively meaningless. But it can do real good! Having a named disease can lower patient anxiety and even help alleviate symptoms! Utahraptor: Diagnosis as therapy? T-Rex: Exactly! It's like the placebo effect! T-Rex (punchline): ...in that now that we know about it, IT CAN NEVER HELP US AGAIN

you could go over to Invention Personified's house and her mother would serve you all these super tasty cookies and you could say 'You've made some very delicious cookies, Mrs. Personified' and she'd say, 'oh, please, call me Necessity!' AND HEY PRESTO THAT WAS A LOT OF BACKSTORY FOR A PUN

T-Rex: I am on the lookout for a new friend. A new, more ultimate friend: the best friend ever. T-Rex: I am on the lookout for science, personified! T-Rex: It will be so awesome, Dromiceiomimus! Can you imagine being friends with Science Personified? You'd never have your science questions go unanswered. I'd be all "Hey, how does a bumblebee fly?" and he'd be all "Yo, dynamic stall" and I'd be all "Sweetness!" Dromiceiomimus: So science personified is a man? T-Rex: Man! He can be a chick if he wants. He's SCIENCE PERSONIFIED. Utahraptor: And his name is - what, "Science Personified"? T-Rex: I don't know! T-Rex: All I know is that we'll be able to test our theories of what his name really is through repeatable experimentation and observation. Utahraptor: I like how you're ignoring the problems of being friends with him, like what happens if you're out with Science AND Religion Personified and THEY BOTH CALL SHOTGUN. T-Rex: Luckily, I could just ask Invention Personified to come up with a way to settle the argument! Off panel: They're all siblings? T-Rex (punchline): I'm gonna say, "yes"?

'oh, i am so embarrassed...'

Narrator: [dark red] the DINOSAUR at the end of this comic Narrator: [dark blue] starring lovable, scaly old [green] T-REX T-Rex: Hello, everybodee! T-Rex: This is a very dull panel. What is on the next panel? T-Rex: [red] WHAT DID THAT SAY? [end red] Did that say there will be a dinosaur at the end of this comic? T-Rex: It did? Oh, I am so scared of dinosaurs!! T-Rex: Listen, I have an idea. If you do not read [dark red]any panels[end dark red], we will never get to the end of this comic. T-Rex: And that is good, because there is a [dark red] dinosaur [end dark red] at the end of this comic. T-Rex: [small] so please do not read the next panel. Utahraptor: [dark red] THEY READ THE PANEL! T-Rex: Maybe you do not understand! You do not know what you are [dark red] doing [end dark red] to me! T-Rex: I, T-Rex, am [dark red] begging [end dark red] you not to read the next panel! Utahraptor: The next panel is the [underline] end [end underline] of this comic, and there is a [dark red] DINOSAUR [end dark red] at the end of this comic! T-Rex: ['SCARED' is dark red, all 'PLEASE' are dark blue] Oh, I am so [dark red] SCARED! [end dark red] Please do not read the next panel. [dark blue] PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! T-Rex: Well, look at that! This is the end of the comic, and the only one here is [dark blue] ME! T-Rex: I, lovable, scaly old [green] T-Rex [end green] am the dinosaur at the end of this comic! T-Rex (punchline): And you were so scared! I [underline] told [end underline] you and [underline] told [end underline] you there was nothing to be afraid of!

if you've never heard the banana boat song this comic will be SO CONFUSING

T-Rex: Unlike SOME people, I like it when I have a dumb song stuck in my head! T-Rex: Dayyyy o! T-Rex: Me say dayyy o! T-Rex: Daylight come and me wan' go home! T-Rex: Come Mr. Tally Man, tally me banana! Dromiceiomimus: Aw, T-Rex! Now I'll have that song stuck in my head ALL DAY. T-Rex: Daylight come and me wan' go home! T-Rex: Day! Me say day me say day me say dayyyyyy o! Utahraptor: T-Rex! Cut it out! Utahraptor: You've got a song stuck in your head, great. FANTASTIC. But the rest of us don't need to hear it, okay? You can keep SOME things to yourself. T-Rex: W- okay! Okay! Sheesh. Now I'm in a bad mood, thanks to you. Satisfied?! T-Rex (punchline): [tiny] dayyyyyyyy o

WHO'S A GOOD DOG?? YOU ARE, YES YOU ARE, YES YOU ARE! CAN YOU GET ME A DRINK OF ORANGE JUICE AND SOME FRIED CHICKEN PLEASE

T-Rex: Hello and welcome to Wow I Guess You Just Had A Kid: Parenthood 101. Raise your hand if your actions have caused a tiny alive person to come out of your body, or the body of someone else! T-Rex: Those with your hands down: you are looking for Remedial Sexual Education (This Is How Boinking Works)! T-Rex: It's an easy mistake to make - it's just across the hall. Those of you remaining with a hand raised, please now raise your other hand and clap them together above your head for our guest speaker, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: Hello. You've all done something you can never take back. T-Rex: Thank you Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor? Utahraptor: Greetings, class! Greetings, T-Rex! Utahraptor: In my section we'll be talking about the UPSIDES to parenthood, including how babies are like dogs that you get to dress up, and also the dog eventually learns how to talk, so you can hang out with your talking dog. T-Rex: Only they're not dogs. Utahraptor: Yes but let's pretend. Off panel: Eventually your talking dog will be old enough to buy you presents, mow the lawn, and pay for its own food. If you're lucky, it'll even take care of you in your old age. Aww! T-Rex (punchline): GOOD DOG!!

now, off to do your bidding!

T-Rex: Guns! Folks buy guns when they want the ability to be able to point at something and make that something have a hole in it. T-Rex: But they have other uses too! T-Rex: For instance, should a can be out of arm's reach and you're like, man, I wish that can had a hole in it AND was knocked over, then a gun can be used here too! T-Rex: Yes, adding new holes to things and bumping them around are but two of the many uses of guns! Utahraptor: ...So? Go on! T-Rex: What? I'm done! T-Rex: I've said all I want to about guns. Utahraptor: Ah. I thought maybe you'd wade into the gun control debate with something a little more substantial than "Need something punctured? Have you tried... A GUN?" T-Rex: Hah! Looks like you thought wrong! Narrator: EARLIER: Off panel: Five bucks if you can get Utahraptor to say the word "punctured". T-Rex: Attention, mysterious voice from behind me! T-Rex (punchline): YOU'RE ON, BABY

"Wait, you're also a handsome man without any flaws?" said Hong Kong China. "Yes," the handsome man replied, flawlessly. Hong Kong China lost herself in his eyes for a moment, and then opened the door, revealing all the other handsome men without flaws inside. "Join the party," she invited.

T-Rex: Angola Maldives was on another mission. A bad guy intends to blow up the sun! T-Rex: However, his plan to do so was not credible, so Angola is on vacation!! T-Rex: While on vacation, Angola meets the sexy, monokini-clad Hong Kong China, who DESPITE HER NAME, is not a character created by a super racist! It's just what her parents named her while they too looked at a map. (It was a map of China, and surrounding environs.) Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, have you considered taking a creative writing course? T-Rex: I've considered teaching one, if that's what you mean! Utahraptor: So does the sun blow up? T-Rex: Come on! Of course not. T-Rex: The technology to do that doesn't exist. It's a ridiculous plan, it shouldn't've been taken seriously, and the fact the mission even got as far as dispatching Angola is an embarrassment. Angola says as much on the first page, while speaking directly to the reader! Utahraptor: Fascinating. T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: Later, HKC and Angola make out: she's kinky and Angola doesn't know how to deal with that, so he slut-shames her. She leaves and instead has lots of fun sex with a bunch of author stand-in characters! T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): Listen, never write when you're horny

he's at a board meeting. it's the future! maybe he snuck in?

T-Rex: You know those guys who have been hiccuping for 70 years or whatever? I'm glad I'm not one of those guys. T-Rex: Hiccuping forever is this weird sort of... forced immortality! Dromiceiomimus: But I thought you were all about going down in history, T-Rex? T-Rex: It's true! But on my own terms. I can't control hiccups, so it's really being remembered for something that my body's doing that's really incidental to who I am, you know? Anyone who heard of me would know me as The Hiccup Guy, and it would overshadow anything else I did with my life. Utahraptor: I think if you cured cancer or something, we'd still know your name! T-Rex: True! T-Rex: But the headlines would still be "Hiccuping Doctor Cures Cancer". It's too memorable to overlook! I like the choosing my OWN destiny. Utahraptor: Okay, so go to that. Choose your own adventure. T-Rex: Utahraptor, that reference has instantly inspired me to be the best I can possibly be!! Narrator: LATER, T-REX DISCOVERS THAT 80s REFERENCES WORKED INTO CONVERSATION INSPIRE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING! Off panel: We're focusing too much on the mistakes of the past. Let's get back to the future, shall we? T-Rex: YES!! YES, LET'S DO THAT! T-Rex (punchline): HOLY CRAP

grand theft autos: the set of games of grand theft auto. grands theft auto? grand thefts auto? all, and more, are acceptable.

T-Rex: I have come up with a game mod that will please everyone, even... THE DEVIL. Devil: UNLIKELY T-Rex: It's a mod for Grand Theft Autos! Devil: ...PROCEED T-Rex: It's like normal, but when you die you wake up in a hospital! T-Rex: Only you're not just put out on the street again: you're in traction, unable to move. Critical condition. You can watch TV, during those moments when you're conscious. You can talk to your parents when they visit, try to explain why you did what you did. Why did you do these terrible things? You don't know. T-Rex: Here's a hard truth: there's no button to understand the past. Utahraptor: But what if you don't survive? T-Rex: Then you wake up in hospital dead! T-Rex: And you play as a friend or family member, staring at your body, wondering where it all went wrong. People can always surprise you, can't they? But that doesn't mean the surprises are going to be good ones. Utahraptor: And then they can go outside and blow up cars? T-Rex: Haha, YEP! It's so awesome. T-Rex: Everyone's trying to grapple with these sprees, wondering if maybe folks ARE inherently awful, wondering if maybe one bad day is all that stands between them and the murderers they see on TV. You know this because you watch the same reports while in traction! T-Rex (punchline): IT ALL WORKS

good save, good save

T-Rex: When I was younger, I went to the dentist a lot. MAYBE I DIDN'T BRUSH MY TEETH THAT WELL, OKAY? OR THAT OFTEN, OR AT ALL. T-Rex: Oh well? T-Rex: But I remember sitting there when I was sixteen or so, with some stranger's fingers in my mouth as he scraped away at my teeth and thinking "MAN, this is a sucky time! I wish I had something to distract me. I bet if I'd had sex, then I could think about sex, and that would be distracting. Hey! I should have sex! It'll make visits to the dentist easier." Utahraptor: So then what happened? T-Rex: Later, I had sex! Later still, I went back to the dentist. T-Rex: But it didn't work. The situation was so unerotic, and I was terrified of becoming visibly aroused! Utahraptor: Did you tell the woman you had sex with that the REAL reason for it was so that you could be entertained at the dentist's? T-Rex: No! I mean, it wasn't the reason! That was just an added bonus! T-Rex (punchline): It made it even MORE special

let's hear it for reality, "the place where fun things can't happen because of rules"

T-Rex: You know what the best part of every movie ever is? Don't say "characters and plot or whatever" because COME ON. The best part of every movie is the HILARIOUS OUTTAKES. T-Rex: And this sublime satisfaction need no longer be limited to film! T-Rex: For example, books could have pages like "It is a universal truth that a single man with a large fortune is in need of a life. Hah hah, what did I write? ...'Life?' I meant 'wife'. Okay: new sheet of paper everyone, I promise we're gonna get this. Ready? We're ready? Okay. It is a universal truth that a single man with a large fortune is in need of a wifppppfft - I'm sorry! I got the giggles. Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's do this." Utahraptor: That doesn't seem that hilarious, T-Rex! T-Rex: I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE. T-Rex: But music could do it too! For instance, suppose the tubas played the wrong note and then everyone has to go back and start over. Utahraptor: I think that's already done. I think that's called "rehearsal". T-Rex: Well it sounds great. Do the tuba players crack up when it happens? T-Rex: Do they drop their instrument and make a funny face for the audience, then when they play it over do they hit the wrong note really loud and break up laughing again? Off panel: No, I think they get fired. T-Rex (punchline): Man! "Reality", am I right??

can we workshop this ending real quick

T-Rex: One day Steve uploaded his brain into a computer. And since uploading doesn't destroy the original, he was still alive in his regular body too! You know, the mortal body that ages and is vulnerable to fire. The fleshy one! T-Rex: The one that can't even go naked into space without dying! T-Rex: So CompuSteve and OrganoSteve chatted each other up, but there really weren't any revelations to be had since they were effectively the same person. That afternoon OrganoSteve died of his injuries and CompuSteve felt like he should be sad, and he was, a little? But not as much as he thought. He wondered if that made him a bad person. Probably it didn't, he thought. Utahraptor: CompuSteve is uncaring due to his computery ways?? T-Rex: No, feelings are emulated! T-Rex: He just can't see anything that was lost beyond an afternoon's worth of memories. Anyway, soon CompuSteve is meeting old friends and great-great-grandparents and integrating into a society of immortal people whose minds are no longer constrained by the processing capacity of meat but by the speed of light itself. Off panel: But then there's not enough CPU time to run everyone's mind at once and it becomes a brutal competition for scarce resources, and the hard drive CompuSteve is on is destroyed. T-Rex: NO T-Rex: DUDE YOU'RE RUINING LIKE T-Rex (punchline): EVERYTHING EVER

i was certain at some point someone fixes the past. you mean all my problems NEVER get fixed??

T-Rex: I am not a guy who has the best record with Christmas presents! Or the best record with presents in general. Or the best um, record, of any description. T-Rex: ANYWAY THAT IS ALL CHANGING TODAY. T-Rex: I'm going to get thoughtful experiential gifts, Dromiceiomimus! I'm going to examine your entire life and decide what one, singular experience your life has been leading to that you've not yet accomplished, and then, I'm going to provide you with that experience! Doesn't that sound - Dromiceiomimus: foreboding? T-Rex: AMAZING?? Utahraptor: I appreciate the idea, but this sounds like it's an impossible gift! T-Rex: Impossibly amazing? Utahraptor: Sure, but also impossibly expensive and difficult. I appreciate it, but I'd rather just have some hangouts! T-Rex: It's too late; you guys already know about the idea! THE ONLY POSSIBLE SOLUTION is to now travel back in time and murder myself to prevent my gift promises from ever being made!! God: THAT'S UM God: THAT'S NOT REALLY WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT T-REX T-Rex: Seriously? T-Rex (punchline): Man, I have got to have like the loosest grasp on Christianity EVER

hurricanes form over water so i guess we're in a boat. heads up.

Narrator: YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT FRIEND Narrator: maybe we should be kissing Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Hey! Okay, this is maybe awkward but the sender of this card thinks you are a REALLY great friend, and he or she likes you very much, and here's the thing, maybe you should be kissing each other. T-Rex: I'm just throwing that out there. Maybe it's time to gently press some lips together. Utahraptor: Maybe it's time to not ruin the friendship! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR! T-Rex: THAT is an opinion for another card, perhaps one labelled "So Um, I'm Assuming You Want To Keep This Friendship Platonic?". Utahraptor: Can we make that card? T-Rex: NO. T-Rex: Actually, yes, but on the inside it has to say "SERIOUSLY??" T-Rex: Anyway! Dear card recipient, I have a message for you! It reads: "It's time for us to smooch up a storm, and OH CRAP, we're right in the middle of HURRICANE ALLEY." T-Rex: "...Assuming you're down with smooching me, I mean." T-Rex (punchline): "Let me know, you've got my email address"

you have to imagine 'time of your life' by green day playing over the last panel

T-Rex: I sent an email to some dude today, and it came back with a verification message I had to reply to in order to prove I was "legit"! T-Rex: Stupid whitelist spam protection systems! Dromiceiomimus: Huh? You don't like spam protection systems? T-Rex: Not these ones! They're inherently flawed, assuming you ever want to hear from someone you don't already know. If two strangers have a whitelist system, then either they can never talk to each other, or they still get spam! Utahraptor: They'll still get spam? T-Rex: Of course! T-Rex: Because if verification emails can get through, then it won't be long until spammers send messages that look enough like them to also get through. There's still a hole! And if you seal it, you miss real verification emails. Utahraptor: I guess so. Anyway! Let's go play TOUCH FOOTBALL! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: I'm open! I'm open! T-Rex (punchline): I'm open!

Dat Ass. Dat Date. <3DatDate.dotgov: Because Life's Too Short Not To <3 Dat Date.

T-Rex: If you die with unfinished business, you become a ghost! T-Rex: OBVIOUSLY! T-Rex: And if you are bitten by a zombie, then you become a zombie, OBVIOUSLY. But what happens when that zombie is killed? Zombies too have unfinished business - unfinished FLESH-EATING business - which means ZOMBIES BECOME GHOSTS TOO. T-Rex: However, as zombies cannot maintain the mental control to re-enter the physical plane, they are stuck in the spirit realm forever! Utahraptor: So the ghost world is full of zombie ghosts attacking regular ghosts? T-Rex: Exactly!! T-Rex (punchline): That's why ghosts appear to us only to wail and scream! They're desperately trying to escape the zombie apocalypse that WE put down forgotten ages ago but which rages on in the afterlife, fueled as it is by a constant supply of confused and unprepared fresh meat! Utahraptor: Oh my god! It all fits!! [T-Rex's dating profile] Banner: ❤DatDate.dotgov Text: You are viewing the profile of "T-Sex". Here what he has to say about himself: Text: DON'T FREAK OUT LADIES BUT I AM THE DUDE WHO BRILLIANTLY WOVE GHOSTS AND ZOMBIES INTO THE SAME CONTINUITY!! :0 :0 ;0