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you might question choosing humble bread as a favourite food, but next time you're eating it consider how good it is, and how we've had like three thousand years to perfect it. imagine what pizza will be like in three thousand years. that's what bread is like RIGHT NOW.

Narrator: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD DAY: T-Rex: My favourite food is bread! It's the most delicious thing to eat before, during, and perhaps even after a meal! Narrator: T-REX: BREAD Dromiceiomimus: My favourite food is avocado sandwiches! They're fatty but really really delicious. I also like orange juice. T-Rex: Everyone loves orange juice! Well, except for people who have cuts on their lips, but they've made their choice. Narrator: DROMICEIOMIMUS: AVOCADO SANDWICHES, ORANGE JUICE Utahraptor: My favourite food is - a secret! T-Rex: Aw Utahraptor, that's dumb! Utahraptor: No it's not! It makes me a little more mysterious, I think. It's like keeping your birthday a secret! T-Rex: That's dumb too! The only people who do that are old people who don't want to age anymore and young people who - actually, I'm not sure if young people even do it. T-Rex: Anyway! Back to bread: do I like it because it's so delicious, or is it so delicious because I like it? Off panel: Can we avoid this conversation if I say my favourite food is sweet and sour chicken? T-Rex (punchline): NOT ANYMORE.

the whole freakin' system is out of order

Narrator: T-REX IN "THE RULES" T-Rex: Today I'm going to play by my own rules! T-Rex: And luckily for me, these rules clearly stipulate that I can stomp on whatever I want! T-Rex: Playing by my own rules is fun! T-Rex: Why, I think I'll play by my own rules from now on! Utahraptor: Stop it! Utahraptor: T-Rex, you can't "play by your own rules" every day! That's nothing more than a catchy way to describe nihilism! T-Rex: Nihilism? Utahraptor: Yes! Remember? "...values are baseless and nothing can be known or communicated"? T-Rex: Oh yeah! T-Rex (punchline): And I was all, "my apocalyptic tenor has not been dispelled"?

the english language says no, but i'm afraid i'm going to have to insist

T-Rex: Two men enter the ring - one man leaves! God: THAT'S A LITTLE SEXIST DUDE T-Rex: And THAT is fixed easily enough! T-Rex: Two dinosaurs of any gender enter the ring - one dinosaur of any gender leaves! Dromiceiomimus: Now you're excluding non-dinosaur sentient life! Isn't your friend Mr. Tusks a TINY bit sapient? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! He's ENTIRELY sapient, and you shouldn't be so racist against dwarf elephants in bowler hats who have been elected to the office of vice mayor. Dromiceiomimus: ...Okay done. T-Rex: Two sentient life forms enter the ring - one of them leaves! Utahraptor: Sounds good to me! Utahraptor: So um, why are they doing this? T-Rex: Well, I WAS going to propose a FIGHT TO THE DEATH with you guys, but you know what? Now I'm so irritated by all this correcting of my clearly awesome language that instead, I'M GOING HOME. Narrator: LATER, FORESHADOWING! T-Rex (punchline): Man, it sure would've been nice to fight my friends to the death. Maybe... SOME DAY? Narrator: IS IT STILL FORESHADOWING IF THIS NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENS

every time i wanted to type "fried chicken" in this comic, I first typed "friend chicken". every single time! apparently i was hypnotized and the only suggestion they planted was "ryan, chickens equal friends"

Narrator: T-REX IN: Narrator: "MY FRIED CHICKEN CYCLE" T-Rex: Oh daaaaaamn! I'm at the absolute peak of my fried chicken cycle, dudes! T-Rex: Every eight months or so I really really want some fried chicken, the greasier the better. Then, I eat the fried chicken, and THEN, that itch is totally scratched! But it never lasts, and my desire begins to grow again, culminating eight months later, when guys, I could SERIOUSLY go for some fried chicken. Utahraptor: What happens if you don't eat any fried chicken? T-Rex: The cycle continues regardless! T-Rex: It's a force of nature. I'm actually proud of it, because most men don't know what having a mammalian menstrual cycle is like - but I do! You know what it's like? Utahraptor: What's it like? T-Rex: It is entirely analogous to wanting some delicious fried chicken, once every two-thirds of a year. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: What the heck, Oxford English Dictionary?! T-Rex (punchline): I could've SWORN that "unsay" was something a person can actually do.

katy the kangaroo and tony the tiger were both spokescartoons for frosted flakes. and i just looked it up and "elmo the elephant" was at one point a spokescartoon for frosted flakes too!! holy crap, this comic was one randomly-chosen name away from being 50s-era frosted flakes guerilla marketing. GUYS I DON'T EVEN LIKE THOSE STUPID FLAKES

T-Rex: Animals sometimes have names that share the first letter of their species. Tony the Tiger, Katy the Kangaroo, Ernie the Elephant, and so on. Ridiculous! But just as ridiculous... T-Rex: ...as every human being who has a name that starts with "H"!! T-Rex: I had this realization just now so I haven't done much with it, but I do hope I meet a Hakeem soon so I can exclusively refer to him as "Hakeem the Human", over and over and over again! HILARIOUS. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex the T.rex? T-Rex: That - that doesn't work as well. Utahraptor: It seems we're all pretty vulnerable to this criticism, huh? T-Rex: APPARENTLY. T-Rex: Utahraptor the Utahraptor. How'd you get such a name? Utahraptor: My parents gave it to me, T-Rex the Tyrannosauroid. T-Rex: Okay. Since we've ALL apparently got stupid names, let's just promise never to mention this again. Utahraptor: Deal! God: DEAL T-Rex (punchline): But your name's not stupid, God! God: UM HELLO I'M GOD THE GOD God: PEOPLE SAY HUH MAYBE I'LL PRAY TO GOD THE GOD TODAY God: AND I SAY God: MAAAAAN

FULL DISCLOSURE: this was actually just a few days ago with a guy whose name happens to be 'mozart', but who isn't that good at music. turns out he's ESPECIALLY not good at watching people for the changes and trying to keep up.

T-Rex: It's always struck me as weird that genres developed when they did. Why weren't people rapping until only a few decades ago? Did people in olden times just not like to hip to the hop, and then not stop? T-Rex: Was rapping to the beat and trying to get you to move your feet not considered... viable? T-Rex: It's the same thing with any genre and medium, really! How come nobody thought of science fiction until Verne wrote "Forsooth, diary! To-day I am going to invente scientifical fictionne!"? I want to listen to Mozart's Piano Sonata No. 11 in A major, K. 331, and I want a long dead man announcing yes yes to y'all over it. Why does history stymie me and my awesome wishes? Utahraptor: You want to hear music from before the invention of recorded sound! Nice. T-Rex: But you get the idea! Utahraptor: But T-Rex, there's a huge number of societal and cultural factors to consider. For example, people SANG over music, and it's not that big a step from that to rap. I'm sure there were people experimenting in that direction throughout history, and it just didn't catch on for a variety of reasons. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST: T-Rex: Alright, this is a blues riff in B. Watch me for the changes, and uh, try to keep up. T-Rex: "I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie to the hip hip hop, and you don't stop!" T-Rex (punchline): Mozart!! I SAID to watch me for the changes and try to keep up!

the secret is not to dwell

T-Rex: Okay! Today is the day I go down in the record books for being the first guy who - who, um... T-Rex: ... who ate a tractor? Dromiceiomimus: Actually, someone's already eaten a tractor! T-Rex: Aw, really? All at once or in li'l bites? Dromiceiomimus: Over years, in tiny undigested pieces. T-Rex: Hello?! That's not the world record for eating a tractor, that's the world record for Longest Time Taken To Push A Disabled Tractor Through A Stupid Digestive Tract. That doesn't count! T-Rex: And if it DOES count, why stop at a tractor? Utahraptor: Health and wellness? T-Rex: Forget that noise. I'm going to eat something way bigger and show that stupid tractor guy how it's done. What's something bigger than a tractor? The box the tractor comes in? Utahraptor: Um, a building? T-Rex: Perfect! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary! This afternoon found me with my mouth wrapped around the brick corner of the library, suddenly wondering if this was all life held for me. T-Rex (punchline): Later I had cupcakes!

this one goes out to my sweetie jenn, who found wierd things in at the bottom of her coffee this morning! SORRY BABY, YOU KNOW THE RULES: FIRST COMES COMICS AND THEN MAYBE EMPATHY

T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: Pretty sure I just ate some spider eggs!! T-Rex: There were gross red egg-sac things at the bottom of my drink, Dromiceiomimus! And I thought "GROSS" and then I said "At least I didn't consume any of them though!" and then I forgot about how you should never say things like that because then I found some sacs stuck between my teeth too. Dromiceiomimus: Gross! T-Rex: I KNOW Utahraptor: You can either be optimistic or pessimistic about this, T-Rex! T-Rex: Today, my friend, I choose pessimism! T-Rex: Maybe THESE are spiders who thrive on stomach acid! Maybe in a week I'll be vomiting up millions of tiny red spiders, over and over again. And maybe that won't be enough, and the rest will eat their way out, tunneling through my stomach, muscles, and finally, skin. Utahraptor: Gah! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Pessimists say that by expecting the worst, they're pleasantly surprised when things don't go that badly! I thought I'd give it a try, but honestly... T-Rex (punchline): I don't think pessimists are imagining hard enough

i realized after writing this comic what a bad idea it was, because now everyone i've ever encountered who matches the description of the third panel will TOTALLY THINK I'M TALKING ABOUT THEM. (p.s.: secretly i am??)

Narrator: LISTEN YOU NEED TO LEARN TO INTERACT WITH PEOPLE BETTER AND STOP TAKING EVERYTHING SO PERSONALLY Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Please read what this card says because it applies 100% to you!! T-Rex: You've long ago segued from being oddly defensive about everything to being oddly OFFENSIVE about everything, preemptively addressing any criticism you imagine you might one day receive with an attack! And we're all sick of it! Talking to you isn't a relaxing experience, because we're all worried about messing up and ending up on your enemies list! Utahraptor: Learn some social skills! T-Rex: PLEASE. Utahraptor: Although, sending a web card isn't really the best way to address this. Maybe the sender of this card has some problems with social skills too! T-Rex: Passive aggression for one! Utahraptor: Not knowing what's appropriate for a card for another! Narrator: LOOK, WE ALL HAVE OUR PROBLEMS: a web card T-Rex: The sender of this card sent one copy to you and kept a second copy around to read personally. T-Rex: Okay! T-Rex (punchline): Good luck working things out, you crazy kids!!

a men's magazine called 'second base' would be almost as adorable as 'women in the mood to kiss'

T-Rex: What is the deal with second base? Nobody actually knows what it represents! T-Rex: (Second base in the sexually euphemistic sense, of course!) Dromiceiomimus: Everyone knows what second base is, T-Rex! First base is significant glances across a crowded room, second is quietly holding hands, third base is eating the same strand of spaghetti and a home run is totally smooching! T-Rex: I find these bases to be highly improbable, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: I think that people know what the bases are - but if they don't, that's cool too! T-Rex: Why? Utahraptor: I don't know! I think it's because it makes the whole crass "how far did you go" talk a lot more adorable if the guys involved are just making up what the checkpoints are as they go along. T-Rex: It's cute that these tough guys have no idea what's going on? Utahraptor: Yeah! T-Rex: But wimpy guys talk about women too! Off panel: Wimpy guys talk about a lot of things! T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! Like COMPUTERS.

last year may have been non-canon, but last week was apparently greatly edited for syndication

T-Rex: So I'm walking down the street with Utahraptor and there's this guy walking in the opposite direction, coming towards me. T-Rex: We lock eyes! T-Rex: And neither of us looks away, and for some reason I think "What's this guy's deal? Is he... A JERK?" and clearly the other guy's thinking the same thing, because he tenses some. And I see that tension and I tense up, thinking "Maybe he's going to punch me. I should get ready for that". And he probably thinks the same thing, and I see his reactions and start to think maybe I should throw a punch first! AND THEN, we pass each other and nothing happens. Utahraptor: Man, even I could detect the tension, and I only noticed him at the last second! T-Rex: It was crazy! T-Rex: I almost got into a fight with a COMPLETE STRANGER. We were just two incredibly intense guys! Utahraptor: Yeah, two incredibly intense guys a hair's breadth away from fighting for no reason. T-Rex: Maybe we're mortal enemies in a past life / parallel universe / alternate timeline / deleted scene? Off panel: Deleted scenes don't happen in real life, T-Rex. T-Rex: THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN ALL THE THINGS THAT ONLY I SEEM TO REMEMBER HAPPENING?? T-Rex (punchline): Seriously I could use an explanation; it is the worst

anyone who says "Wait a minute, they couldn't meet because time travel isn't possible in Star Wars!" is clearly not familiar with a little thing called THE EXPANDED UNIVERSE

T-Rex: Who would win in a fight: the Enterprise or the Millennium Falcon? And NO, the correct answer is not "the audience". T-Rex: The correct answer is that this scenario is ludicrous and impossible! T-Rex: Star Trek and Star Wars are two different universes, literally: physics works differently in each of them! The Falcon flies like it's in atmosphere, DESPITE THE FACT IT'S CLEARLY IN SPACE. In contrast, Trek ships generally meet each other on a fixed axis, like they're in water! T-Rex: CLEARLY this is symptomatic of larger differences in basic universal physics. T-Rex: Put the Millennium Falcon near Federation Headquarters... Utahraptor: ...and it'll win the fight! T-Rex: Nope! Its "hyperdrive" will catastrophically fail, exploding due to mismatched physics errors. I guarantee it! These ships don't work outside of the universe they're designed for. Utahraptor: Wow, you've out-geeked an already super-geeky debate. Nice! T-Rex: Thanks! T-Rex: Now that that's out of the way, we can consider the real question, which is who would win in a fight: Data or Han Solo? Off panel: PERSONALLY, I think they'd be pals. T-Rex: Oh my god! T-Rex (punchline): I know, right??

T-REX IF YOU THINK SALT-N-PEPA LYRICS WILL HELP YOUR BOOK OUTSELL MINE THEN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY SALT-N-PEPA LYRICS I HAVE READY TO DROP INTO MY BOOK UP TO AND INCLUDING RARE B-SIDE LYRICS FROM ALTERNATE UNIVERSES / JUST GIVE ME THE EXCUSE MAN I'M SO READY

T-Rex: I took the liberty of researching the all-time bestselling books across the entire planet and SURPRISE! They're all like, religious books! T-Rex: They're like, bibles and whatever! T-Rex: This is cheating: you've got a market segment that thinks GOD LITERALLY WROTE THIS BOOK AND NOW LITERALLY WANTS YOU TO BUY IT, and worse, that THE ACTUAL 100% LEGIT RULES FOR HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE ARE CONTAINED WITHIN. Total unfair market advantage. It's ridiculous. T-Rex: My Sherlock Holmes Meets Sherlette Halmos fic can't compete with that. Utahraptor: "Sherlette Halmos"? T-Rex: An evil, female Sherlock! T-Rex: She's packed AND she's stacked, specially in the back, and you'll want to thank her mother for a butt like that. Will readers get some fries with that shake-shake bootie? If books could kill, this would be an uzi. It's a shotgun: bang! What's up with that new book I'm releasing this fall season? T-Rex (punchline): "You make me wanna shoop, which means 'investigate crimes', Sherlock whispered in erotic awe."

seriously he's the worst ghost ever. if you knew him you'd know!!

T-Rex: Today I am going to try to be a better friend. I will tell secrets, as secrets are one of the MANY currencies of friendship! I will also listen to what my friends have to say, and then make helpful comments that solve every one of their problems! T-Rex: EVERY T-Rex: SINGLE T-Rex: ONE. Dromiceiomimus: Well T-Rex, here is one of my problems! A friend of mine is pregnant, and she's really happy about it, but we're all not really sure that she's ready or that it's with the right person. It's not like it's any of our business, actually, but it's not like we can talk to her about it! T-Rex: I - um. Wow! T-Rex: Wow! Pregnancy! Utahraptor: I know! T-Rex: And it's such a personal thing too. People get upset when you tell them you think they're DATING the wrong person - how do you tell them you think they're creating life with the wrong person? Utahraptor: Maybe the answer is that you don't! T-Rex: Or MAYBE the answer is you get a ghost to show them your dystopian vision of their future! Do you know any ghosts? Off panel: Only one, and he's not suitable at all. T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! The ghost of Zach, right? Aw, poor Zach. Off panel: He's so terrible at being a ghost!

I WAS JUST CHECKING MY EMAIL AND THEY CAME UP OKAY

T-Rex: Bisexuality can lead to all sorts of new and exciting self-labels! Labels like "biknowledgeable"! "Bisensitive"! T-Rex: "Bidisillusioned!" T-Rex: Hah hah, SWEET. Sorry it's not working out, bidisillusioned dude!! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I'm not sure if this is fair to bisexuals. T-Rex: But Dromiceiomimus, there's also being bianxious. And being bitraumatized! BISCANDALIZATION. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex - T-Rex: How BISTONISHING! Utahraptor: I somehow doubt that real bisexuals prefix all their words with "bi", T-Rex! T-Rex: Of course not! T-Rex: It's just the verbs. And the adjectives. Anyway, I think I know what real bisexuals do. Utahraptor: How's that? T-Rex: For your information, I have read SEVERAL websites on the subject. T-Rex: For instance, did you know that whenever women are alone they have pillow fights, and then they practise kissing on each other? I've seen the pictures! T-Rex: I mean - I mean my friend has seen the pictures. T-Rex (punchline): IT'S FOR A PROJECT FOR SCHOOL.

seriously, dude! that's awesome!

T-Rex: I feel odd.. as if my amnesia is wearing off! T-Rex: Uncanny! All my memories are flooding back in a torrent of life history! T-Rex: I remember this tiny house and car! I liked to step on them regularly! Like so! T-Rex: And I remember you, Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: Do I ever! T-Rex: And I remember this tiny woman! I remember I liked to stomp on her! Utahraptor: You do it every day! Utahraptor: Personally, I wish you'd stop. T-Rex: Holy! How'd you do that thing with your voice just now?! T-Rex (punchline): Seriously, it makes me feel like doing whatever you say!

the one reader who was waiting for years for a dinosaur comics windows for workgroups joke is SO HAPPY today, but also sad, because now there's no more mountains left to climb

T-Rex: Fifteen dollars, a plastic dancing flower, a copy of Windows for Workgroups that I found in an alleyway. T-Rex: All these are things I've loaned out and which have not been returned! T-Rex: And I'm CALLING IN THE DEBTS, Dromiceiomimus! I'd like my Windows for Workgroups back please. Dromiceiomimus: I never borrowed that from you. T-Rex: THEN WHO DID?? Utahraptor: Um, you're not allowed to lend out that software like that, T-Rex! T-Rex: Who's going to stop me?? Utahraptor: Well, probably no-one, but by loudly demanding your software back, you're also loudly admitting to COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT. T-Rex: Man, you know what? It's WINDOWS for WORKGROUPS. The last person to actually use this software died in like 1855. Off panel: Computers didn't exist back - T-Rex: HE WENT BACK IN TIME. T-Rex (punchline): To tell everyone how he borrowed it from me and how now I'm never going to get it back and how he's SUCH A DICK

That was a real tip from a real book I flipped through. The book also said that if you're a girl, then you should wear a dangley necklace and play with it, because then it will draw the guy's attention to your BREASTS. It's a great tip, because otherwise guys wouldn't even notice them! On account of how they're too busy checking out your personality?

Narrator: DATING TIPS COMICS Narrator: now featuring: tips i found in this one book! T-Rex: Here are some HOT TIPS for FIRST DATES, cats and kittens! T-Rex: Okay! The first tip is this: to find out if your date is REALLY into you, all you have to do is push a salt shaker over to their side of the table! If he's interested in you, he'll pick it up and play with it, but if he's NOT interested, he'll push it back to your side. The salt shaker represents your feelings here, okay? And playing with a salt shaker represents ROMANTIC INTENT. Utahraptor: That's stupid! It's semantically overloading practical actions. T-Rex: See, I thought so too! T-Rex (punchline): But I just thought I was crazy, because why would someone put out a dating book if all they had were sucky tips that can TOTALLY FAIL if the guy just wants saltier, and therefore tastier, fries? I could write a better dating book. IN FACT...! Utahraptor: Aw no, no, you don't - Book cover: MEET SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SUCK THEN TRY KISSING THEM Book cover: A BOOK THAT WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN

fly, no - but he can cram index cards into his head!

T-Rex: So, Dromiceiomimus: do you know how to draw superheroes? I've got such a great idea for a comic. Narrator: (IN THIS PANEL, DROMICEIOMIMUS SAYS YES) T-Rex: Sweet! Okay, so the idea is, there's this guy, Lee, right? Only one day he gains SUPER POWERS. And I'm not sure how he gets them yet but BASICALLY he's got this slot in the top of his head, and he can write words on cards and put them in the slot, and he gains those qualities! So say a decision has to be made: he writes "decisive" on a card and forces it into his head, and he becomes Decisive Lee! He then has the power to do things decisively. SUPER decisively! Utahraptor: So he's got any power that can be described by an English adverb ending in "ly"? T-Rex: PRECISELY! T-Rex: But not just Precise Lee - he can be Compelling Lee, Obliging Lee - even Furious Lee! But the catch is, the cards stick out, so enemies know what they're dealing with. "Oh cool, we're dealing with Conclusive Lee", they'll say. "We can ask him some questions." Utahraptor: I see. Narrator: FIFTY YEARS LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Have I TRULY won every single award in comics?

we'll be wearing the same outfits we wore when we did something awesome together that year. it will be amazing. i'm serious. it's the perfect present.

T-Rex: I'd really like to get my friends a "thanks for being awesome" present! But all I can think to give them is a website link. It's to a site that lets you check out how sweet some home appliances are! T-Rex: I think they'd really like it! T-Rex: But our culture is crazy, Dromiceiomimus, because I can't just give you a URL as a gift. No matter how much you'd like it! Dromiceiomimus: Sure you can! T-Rex: Well yeah I CAN, but it doesn't count nearly as much as a REAL present. You can't say you'd not be disappointed if you unwrapped a gift that was just "checkoutthesesweethomeappliances.com" written on a slip of paper! Utahraptor: Well, maybe the site has a book version or something? T-Rex: But why does that make the gift better?? T-Rex: Is it because a book costs money? Are gifts only good if they cost money? Utahraptor: No, home-made presents are good too. T-Rex: THOSE COST TIME. Are we so psychopathic that we think gifts are only good if they lessen the giver in some way?? T-Rex: Everyone had better adjust their attitude before replicators get invented! Because once that happens I'm getting everyone action figures of the two of us for their birthdays, and they're not gonna cost me a cent, and everyone will have to DEAL. T-Rex (punchline): We'll have little chapeaus

english cows say "moo" but french cows say "meu", i learnt this from a cartoon cow on a bilingual carton of milk many years ago when i was but a lad

Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique Narrator: ONOMATOPOEIA T-Rex: Onomatopoeia is when words sound like the thing they're describing! T-Rex: But it only really shows up in parallel timelines, where dogs are called "barkbarkpantpantbarkbarkwhine"s. That doesn't mean you can't use it in your stories though! For example, try naming a main character "HellomynameisCaptainPete" if his first line in the story is "Hello, my name is Captain Pete"! T-Rex: Pros do this ALL THE TIME. Utahraptor: It shows up in our timeline! You already used it: "bark" sounds like a dog bark! T-Rex: No it doesn't! Utahraptor: Well, it does if you say it in a dog voice. T-Rex: EVERYTHING SOUNDS LIKE A DOG IF YOU SAY IT IN A DOG VOICE!! Utahraptor: I GUESS THAT'S WHY DOGS USE THEM, HUH?? Narrator: CONCLUSION: T-Rex (punchline): Onomatopoeia ruins relationships, never use it

if you're reading these comics backwards, in a little bit utahraptor will first describe closing your eyes as staring at the inside of your fleshy head. so! something to look forward to.

T-Rex: My sense of sight is useless when I sleep, because, like MOST men of taste and breeding, *I* sleep with my eyes closed, staring at the inside of my fleshy head. T-Rex: But my sense of hearing works 24/7! T-Rex: Even when I'm sleeping, a loud noise is enough to wake me up and make me say, "Hey, what's the big idea?? I was TRYING to be unconscious just now." PLUS, while my eyesight has blind spots (usually disguised and covered up by a complicit brain), I have a full 360 degree range of hearing, with not a deaf spot in sight! And by "in sight", I OBVIOUSLY mean "in my audio acuity zone". Utahraptor: Oh, suddenly now you're into hearing? T-Rex: Dude! I've always been into hearing! Narrator: TWO WEEKS AGO: T-Rex: I'm SO DONE with my sense of hearing. If my friggin' sense of TOUCH were good enough, I could hear over my entire body by feeling the soundwaves hitting it! Utahraptor: But then you'd have to walk around naked. T-Rex: AND?? Narrator: BACK IN THE PRESENT: T-Rex: HOLY CRAP you guys, was it suddenly two weeks ago for anyone else?? T-Rex (punchline): holy crap holy crap HOLY CRAAAAP

shakespeare punchlines comics

T-Rex: I have thought of the perfect prank to play on the Utahraptor! I will confide in him personal stories about my youth... T-Rex: ... stories that, it turns out, are false! T-Rex: That way, years down the road, if he ever chances to mention one of these stories, I will be able to say, "Got you!" T-Rex: He'll say, "What?", obviously confused since my prank was years in the making. But once I explain that I was in fact LYING to him when he thought he had my trust, he will laugh heartily and concede that I did indeed "get him"! Utahraptor: Hi, T-Rex! Do you have any personal stories of your youth you'd like to confide in me? T-Rex: I do! Utahraptor: These wouldn't happen to be FAKE stories, would they? T-Rex: um Utahraptor: T-Rex! Were you going to tell me fake stories? Utahraptor: You were! T-Rex (punchline): Hoisted by my own petard!

the last two lines are BASICALLY why i don't get to write hulk comics

T-Rex: Utahraptor was so wrong about performative utterances yesterday! God: HOW WRONG WAS HE T-Rex: So! He was so wrong. T-Rex: And I only realized it after he left! T-Rex: A leader declares war on television, then that's war, regardless of whether he's signed the paperwork yet. He's changed the world just by talking! With sentencing it's the same: the judge tells you your sentence and that's it, and the paperwork is just that - paperwork! RECORDKEEPING. And the same for marriages! The license is just to let THE GOVERNMENT know what's already happened. I was right! I was totally right!! Utahraptor: T-Rex, remember yesterday? You were totally right! Fully and completely. T-Rex: Aw no! Seriously? T-Rex: You're seriously going to rob me of my Comeuppance Satisfaction by admitting you were wrong before I get to point it out to you? You're going to be That Guy? Utahraptor: Which guy? T-Rex: The guy who does what you're doing! Argh! You ARE being That Guy! Off panel: Look, sorry for admitting I was wrong, I guess? T-Rex: That's another performative!! You're tacitly endorsing their existence! I'M SECONDS AWAY FROM MY HEAD FADING INTO A CARTOON STEAM WHISTLE AND GOING "TOOT TOOT." T-Rex (punchline): I'M ANGRY BUT I THINK IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME

i cut out the part where he accidently tripped into one of his prototype engines and the two merged into a new lifeform

Narrator: A BRIEF HISTORY OF CHARLES BABBAGE AND HIS WONDERFUL CALCULATING ENGINES COMICS T-Rex: Charles Babbage spent a lot of his time working on mechanical calculating engines! T-Rex: These were machines that could add and subtract, and later multiply and divide (through repeated addition and subtraction), forecasting in many ways the design of modern-day computers! T-Rex: Unfortunately the machines, with thousands of tiny gears and cogs, were too complex, beyond his means to fully manufacture at the time (early 1800s). T-Rex: While some see Babbage as the father of modern computers, he had little actual influence! Utahraptor: Yes, quite right! Utahraptor: This is because many of the innovations in his Analytical Engine, such as conditional branching and a separation of processing and memory, were left to be re-discovered by a new generation of pioneers! T-Rex: Indeed! T-Rex (punchline): This concludes the brief history of Charles Babbage and his wonderful calculating engines!

SHE WILL WEAR THESE BEAUTIFUL DRESSES AND WE WILL GO OUT ON PICNICS, SOMETIMES ANYWAY, NOT AS OFTEN AS WE'D LIKE. WE USED TO DO IT ALL THE TIME, DON'T YOU REMEMBER? IT'S JUST A ROUGH PATCH, SAMANTHA

God: T-REX TODAY IS THE DAY FOR TOTAL EMOTIONAL HONESTY T-Rex: Nopers!! T-Rex: TODAY is the day of continuing to leave certain emotions unstated AND/OR ignored! T-Rex: This is because total honesty has the power to DESTROY relationships! FOR EXAMPLE, Dromiceiomimus, if we're in a committed monogamous relationship, I don't want my friend or even a random dude coming up to you and saying how he loves you more than anything and how he could never admit it until now! I want him to suffer in silence. For the greater good! Dromiceiomimus: Is he hot? Utahraptor: You're privileging your happiness over his! T-Rex: No! I'm just looking at TOTAL happiness. T-Rex: My girlfriend and I are in love, and my friend and I are happy. This equals 15 happiness points, 10 for love and 5 for friendship. Utahraptor: Okay. T-Rex: But if he confesses love to her, I'm now UNhappy with my friend, and we're down 5 HP! Forget THAT noise. Off panel: I think you're just setting up this point system so that it supports you and your lady friend staying together! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR STAY AWAY FROM MY GIRLFRIEND T-Rex: WHEN I GET ONE T-Rex (punchline): HER NAME WILL BE "SAMANTHA"; IT IS A PRETTY NAME

what i'm saying is that if I wake up tomorrow night and i'm in the distended belly of a zombie i'm going to be SO CHEEZED at how stupid this whole universe is

T-Rex: You know when people say "oh my GOSH what if dreams are the REAL world and this world is all a crazy mixed-up dream??" T-Rex: Attention everyone! You should not listen to these people!! T-Rex: If the dream world is real, then the real world is one where stuff is crazy all the time, where people are always showing up for their public speaking engagements naked, where things are stupid and then really sexy and then stupid again. And in this insane universe, people are going to bed, falling asleep, and having entirely consistent dreams about checking their email? Dromiceiomimus: Makes sense to me! Utahraptor: Yeah, why wouldn't that be the case? T-Rex: Because it's helluva stupid! T-Rex: Any universe so insane would self-destruct before its inhabitants had the chance to go to sleep and dream of filling out dream income tax forms for dream income they got at their dream job. Dream there is used in a pejorative sense. Utahraptor: Yeah, I followed that. Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: T-Rex: So apparently in the REAL world, my friends are swarmed by zombies. The zombies then advance on me, and my response is to scream, charge them, and then instantly fall into REM sleep and wake up here. T-Rex (punchline): I say again: STUPIDEST UNIVERSE EVER.

and i do too!

Narrator: YOU ARE GREAT Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Dear recipient of this comic: T-Rex: Whoever sent this to you thinks you are great! T-Rex: Let's assume this person is a guy. Boy, does he ever like you! He likes you so much he lets someone else do his writing for him and uses pre-packaged sentimen- T-Rex: - But that's not the point. T-Rex: The point is, this card is to tell you that you are great. Utahraptor: Wait, what were you saying about pre-packaged sentiment? T-Rex: Nothing! Utahraptor: Were you perhaps implying that the emotions of someone who feels he can't properly express them are somehow less valid than those of someone who can? T-Rex: Nope! Utahraptor: Well, good! Cause that's wrong! Narrator: THE END: T-Rex (punchline): Dear recipient of this comic, whoever sent this to you thinks you are great!

for the rest of his life t-rex always keeps one eye on his eggs, and finds he sighs just a little more often.

T-Rex: [thinks] Okay, so it turns out that you're a guy with a sucky turn-on. This is bad, T-Rex. You need to fix this. T-Rex: I need to fix this. Narrator: T-REX AND HIS SUCKY FETISH T-Rex: But I've always maintained that you can't just decide to change your sexual orientation! How can I then go ahead and try to change what turns me on? Dromiceiomimus: You want to change your sexual orientation, T-Rex? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I'm turned on by scrambled eggs spontaneously climbing back into the shell! T-Rex: More so than usual!! Utahraptor: I have hope for you, my friend! T-Rex: You do? Utahraptor: Yeah! You were down because you've got this impossible fetish, but it turns out the second law of thermodynamics is one of the few STATISTICAL laws of physics - which means it's not actually impossible for an egg to randomly descramble itself for a while! It's just FANTASTICALLY unlikely. T-Rex: Utahraptor! I have an important announcement to make! T-Rex (punchline): Knowing my fetish is technically possible only serves to increase my desire to see it happen!

wow i thought he was setting himself up for a fall but looks like not!

T-Rex: "L'esprit d'escalier" means, literally, "the wit of the staircase"! T-Rex: (It's French!) T-Rex: It refers to when you think of a witty comeback too late, and you've already left the room! T-Rex: Of course, this idea is largely alien to ME, as I'm never at a loss for a witty riposte! T-Rex: However, it seems for others, thinking of the perfect comeback hours, or even days later, is a more-than-rare occurrence. Utahraptor: You've got a pretty high opinion of your wit, T-Rex! T-Rex: As usual! Utahraptor: Yes, as usual. What if I made a stinging insult in your direction - would you be able to come up with the perfect rejoinder? T-Rex: I would! Utahraptor: Well then! How are you going to answer... THIS! Narrator: SHORTLY: Off panel: Good one! T-Rex (punchline): Thanks!

seriously, where the heck did he go?

[Utahraptor's daydream] T-Rex: I've come up with some patently absurd ideas that I will pontificate upon, only to annoy the Utahraptor! T-Rex: I just bet I do this because I'm bored! [Utahraptor's daydream] T-Rex: I'm probably jealous of him too! T-Rex: Probably! [Utahraptor's daydream] T-Rex: Not that I'd ever tell him that, of course. I'm too self-absorbed! T-Rex: Life is great! T-Rex: Now I think I'll go stomp on a woman just because she's there! [Utahraptor's daydream] Utahraptor: T-Rex! Don't stomp on her! God damn it, I'm so sick of telling you not to stomp on things! T-Rex: [small] You mean stomping on things.. [Utahraptor's daydream] T-Rex: [small] ... like this? Sound effect: [near T-Rex's foot] squish! Utahraptor: [stops daydreaming] Utahraptor: Hm... maybe I'll just stay home today! Narrator: ELSEWHERE... T-Rex (punchline): Where the hell is he?!

I will call my tale, The Story I Almost Didn't Ruin, But Then I Did

T-Rex: Peter Horizonte was a man who had the misfortune to be born a frog. T-Rex: He would've been a pretty regular dude, but he was a MOST irregular frog! T-Rex: Every time he ate a fly he would say "Oh, this tastes gross. I would much prefer a nice hamburger and soda." Every time he slept on a lily pad he'd say "Oh, this is cold and wet. I would much prefer a nice bed." Every time he'd go on a date he'd say "Oh, this is just a regular ol' frog! I would much prefer someone who can carry a nice conversation, or read a book." Utahraptor: It sounds like a pretty unhappy life! T-Rex: Peter was unhappy for a long while! T-Rex: But then he thought about how the rest of us have jobs, and how we don't get to jump and swim and chill out underwater every day like him. And he realized that he was happy with his froggy body after all! THE END. Utahraptor: Aww, what a nice story! T-Rex: It's not over yet!! T-Rex: "PS: Peter never did get used to the taste of flies." And then there's a picture of a frog eating a big hamburger and soda!! Off panel: I love it! T-Rex (punchline): "PPS: He never QUITE got used to having sex with other frogs either!" Off panel: Nevermind, I hate it now!

it's all young t-rex could think to give the best girl ever, but he never showed her it, because he thought to himself, 'aw, she must get these ALL the time.'

T-Rex: When I had my first crush on a girl, I believed that everyone else around me was CRAZY for not liking her. T-Rex: It's true! T-Rex: She was so clearly this perfect, amazing woman, and I was honestly so confused by the fact that she wasn't swarmed with suitors, that I tried to examine her critically, looking for flaws that I hadn't seen before. Dromiceiomimus: Did you find any? T-Rex: Nope! What I didn't realize was that people have different tastes. T-Rex: She may be the perfect woman for me, but that doesn't mean she's perfect for everyone! Utahraptor: So what happened? T-Rex: Oh, well... I was shy. I didn't say anything to her, and then one time I gave her some fries at lunch. That's - that was pretty much the sum of our relationship. Utahraptor: Aww! Off panel: In some ways it's naive for you to think that everyone would like this woman, but in another way it's really romantic, you know? You thought she was, objectively, the best girl ever. T-Rex (punchline): I wrote Star Trek fan fiction in which we saved the Enterprise and got married!

joey comeau of a softer world dot com is here, and he says that if they found the nazi pin on me, it would just show people that not ALL nazis are bad. joey comeau: history's greatest monster?

T-Rex: I have a problem. I have come into possession of a pin from the 1935 Nuremberg Rally, and I really don't know what to do with it. Hitler's face is on the pin. It's a Nazi pin! *I* have a Nazi pin! T-Rex: This is not good news for Team T-Rex! T-Rex: I'm trapped! I can't just throw it out, because it's History. But there's no way I'm selling it, either: I don't want to profit from, um, NAZIS, and I wouldn't want to sell to anyone who'd be interested in buying it anyway. Dromiceiomimus: Where'd you get it? T-Rex: My grandfather died a few months ago and I was given this part of his estate. He found it after the war, in the rafters of a house he bought! T-Rex: Man! I don't want to go through life as a Nazi pin guy! Utahraptor: Why not just give it away? T-Rex: To whom? "Hi! You seem like a woman who appreciates her Nazi memorabilia"? No, I can't just pass this off on someone else: it just shifts these issues onto them. I've got to handle this myself. Utahraptor: But how? T-Rex: I'll think of something! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: What if I started wearing it under a shirt when I go out? That way, if I got hit by a car, the discovery of the pin will ENTIRELY OVERSHADOW anything I've ever accomplished in my life! T-Rex (punchline): No, that - that only makes things worse.

i was going to say that history sure is full of losers, but then i did the math and i've spent 99.999999999999691% of my time there, rounded to the nearest second

T-Rex: There was a time where we didn't know which organ did what! We cut open our bodies and we were like "Whoah, THAT'S a hot mess. I have NO IDEA what's going on in there." T-Rex: "Don't hassle me with your guts, bro; I can't even begin to deal with that right now!" T-Rex: But then we got smart and figured it out! This has been.... A Tale Of History. Dromiceiomimus: If there was a time when we didn't know what organs did what, wouldn't there also be a time when we didn't know how sex worked? T-Rex: OH DANG, there totally was! Hah hah hah! T-Rex: We were such losers!! Utahraptor: Hah hah! ZING! T-Rex: "Duhh, where do babies come from?" Utahraptor: "I don't know because the reproductive consequences of the sex act manifest only infrequently, and when they do it's a long time after the sex was performed! Duhhhhh!!" Narrator: LATER, T-REX IS VISITED BY A TIME TRAVELLER FROM THE FUTURE: Off panel: "Duhhh, I don't know how cold fusion works and whenever my body dies my consciousness dies as well!!" T-Rex (punchline): ...That is an accurate representation of my whole deal, yes

look up "yolo" to see a picture of me rolling up a extra large pizza so it looks like a giant cigar and then, eating the giant cigar

T-Rex: Look up "handsome" in the dictionary, and you'll find my picture! Or, at least, you will soon. T-Rex: BECAUSE I AM CREATING A DICTIONARY WITH PICTURE RIGHTS. T-Rex: For $10 you can have your picture attached to the word of your choosing! Everyone pays for their favourite words, and then I use the money raised to print the dictionary! AND I write all the definitions so you know they're hilarious and awesome. Dromiceiomimus: What if two people choose the same word? T-Rex: First come first served! Plus, if "handsome" is taken, you can always take "handsomer" or "handsomest". T-Rex: Wait no I'm paying $10 for each of those too!! Utahraptor: This - is actually a really fun idea! T-Rex: I know, right? The only words defined in the dictionary are those with pictures attached to them, so it's both an idiosyncratic greatest hits reference book AND a really awesome DICTIONARY OF PALS. Utahraptor: Plus you can toss someone the book and say "Hey. Look up 'dateable'." T-Rex: !!! T-Rex: Whoah I didn't even know I could make that sound! T-Rex (punchline): Look up "surprised" in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of me in this exact position!!

The Office: The Novelization of the Hit NBC Series

T-Rex: I guess we really had... Gone With The Wind. [no text] T-Rex: I guess that really was... The Origin of Species. Dromiceiomimus: I guess we really did each have our own... Great Expectations. T-Rex: I guess we really never did learn how... To Kill A Mockingbird. Dromiceiomimus: I guess we really had published... Bridget Jones's Diary. T-Rex: I guess those really were Star Wars! Utahraptor: I guess they really DID work at... The Office. T-Rex: I guess he really WAS an Iron Man! T-Rex: In the end, I guess they really had crossed... The Bridges of Madison County. Utahraptor: In the end, I guess we all discovered... The Joy of Cooking. T-Rex: I guess they really did go... Back To The Future II! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: Someone broke in and added new last sentences to all the books at the library! T-Rex: Hah hah, awesome! T-Rex: Wait, sorry, I meant to say "oh no, how terrible!" T-Rex (punchline): Um, whoever did it sounds handsome?

don't let the stairs hit you on the way down

T-Rex: How come it's rude to say "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"? Sometimes doors close quickly and end up slappin' bums! I'd like to be able to warn friends about doors without being SASSY/SARCASTIC. T-Rex: I'd like to be able to warn friends about doors without being SASSCASTIC. T-Rex: I can't say "welcome to the real world" when my friends are disillusioned, even though I might honestly be welcoming them to an illusion-free adulthood. And if someone says "Oh no my shoes are itchy" and I say "What do you want me to do about it?" suddenly I'M the bad guy!! I was offering help, I just need direction! T-Rex: I'M not the one who wears itchy shoes, lady. Utahraptor: Just avoid the sarcastic phrasing! T-Rex: But HOW? Utahraptor: These phrases are lexicalized, like words, and those words are filed under "SASSY MOLASSY". But rephrase them and they lose that connotation! T-Rex: "The door closes quickly, watch for it hitting you". Utahraptor: Exactly! T-Rex: And instead of "welcome to the real world!", "welcome to a place where incredibly terrible things can happen to you and your friends for no reason!" Off panel: That actually made it worse. T-Rex (punchline): I know, SOMETHING WENT WRONG

pages and pages of office intrigue, readers exclaiming "MAN, WHERE ARE THE TEENS"

T-Rex: My new book is called "BILLY THE TEEN! BILLY WAS THE TEEN... WHO LOVED BEING A TEEN!" T-Rex: (It's aimed towards teens!) T-Rex: So, after clearly being established as a teen, Billy goes off and meets some other teens! They become friends and they hang around outside fast-food restaurants, and sometimes, they go in and get some fast food FROM the restaurant. Later, Billy announces that he just plain loves being a teen! All his friends nod their heads in ready agreement. Utahraptor: And then what happens? T-Rex: A few pages in, Billy realizes his 20th birthday is coming up! T-Rex: He'll no longer be a teen. It's a disaster! He's TERRIFIED. He's waking up in cold sweats. Billy's certain that when he becomes 20 he'll lose something vital of himself. Utahraptor: And then? T-Rex: And then... he dies of a heart attack! T-Rex (punchline): But like, 50 years later, you know? Long after he's come to terms with everything. The vast bulk of the book details Billy's entire adult life, and the last page says "The actual title this book is 'Mr. Bill Peterson, Who Came To Terms with His Life Over 60 Years'".

haha, look at t-rex on the last cover! he's all, "SERIOUSLY, baby?!"

T-Rex: He's Just Not That Into You? Come on. I can write a better self-help book for people who want cold-hard yet charmingly sassy relationship advice! T-Rex (punchline): Probably! Book cover: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOUR RAMBLEY STORIES Book cover: they go on for SO long and we all get tired Book cover: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO WOMEN WHO REMIND HIM OF HIS MOTHER Book cover: Personality-Wise? Maybe It's Your Body. Book cover: HE'S A TOTAL JERK BUT YOU GET MAD AT US IF WE SAY THAT Book cover: so this book is about dinosaurs instead Book cover: happy anniversary Book cover: HE BROKE UP WITH YOU BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU Book cover: he didn't dial the wrong number and then break up with you because he thought you were somebody else with the same name that he no longer wanted to be cheating on you with, is the thing Book cover: YOUR BODY NO LONGER EXCITES HER Book cover: the book!

In the draft, T-Rex finished panel 1 with "From now on, call me Tony Verificationism!" and when Utahraptor calls T-Rex "T-Rex" in panel 5, he interrupts him and says, "Tony." But there wasn't room! So add it in your mind, okay? Signed, Ryan North, Actual Cartoonist

T-Rex: In verificationism, a sentence has to be verifiably true (or false!) for it be meaningful. Not bad, guys! I think this is one philosophy that is verifiably REASONABLE. T-Rex: So that's it for arguing about religion! Can't verify faith! T-Rex: In fact, that's it for a lot of debate, because how can you argue FACTS? Most verificationist arguments must end with the parties involved looking things up in an encyclopaedia together and then firmly shaking hands. Dromiceiomimus: But if they can't verify something, what do they do? T-Rex: They agree that the sentence is meaningless! If it can't be checked, there's no use considering it, so it's ignored. Facts only, please!! Utahraptor: But how does anyone know what's true? T-Rex: Because... because of Science? Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex, you know better! Science is about being empirically ACCURATE, which might not be the same thing as being true. Plus your senses could be lying to you, you could be a brain in a jar, etc.. If you're going to be verificationist, you're going to need a pretty impregnable definition of "truth". T-Rex: Aha! But I can't VERIFY that my senses are liars, nor can I verify that I'm a brain in a jar! How does THAT taste, Utahraptor? Off panel: You can verify the science thing! T-Rex (punchline): Can you just tell me how it tastes, when you put THAT in your pipe and smoke it?

alternate panel six reads "EARLIER:" and then t-rex is alone saying "Ouch, you guys!". it's totally not a testicles joke! he's saying "ouch" for everyone who expects to come home to loose balls but will instead find them safely secured and be frustrated because of that. ISN'T THAT A MORE SATISFYING AND HILARIOUS ENDING??

T-Rex: The best words MIGHT be autological words, you guys! T-Rex: These are words that describe something that also describes the word itself! T-Rex: For example, the word "short" is itself short, and the word "multisyllabic" has more than one syllable in it. Soooo crazy! Dromiceiomimus: And the word "understandable" is itself understandable, so it's self-describing and therefore autological too! T-Rex: Just like "2oig3nt2as2y" which is a word I just made up that means "annoying to say"! Utahraptor: There's the opposite too: heterological words that DON'T describe themselves, like "long"! T-Rex: Neat! Utahraptor: So is "heterological" heterological? T-Rex: Well if it IS, then it's self-describing, which means autological. And if it ISN'T, then it's autological again too. Huh. If this paradox is supposed to make me trip balls, you should know I've taken the precaution of having them TIGHTLY SECURED. Narrator: LATER: Off panel: Hey, who put all my balls in the closet? And then tied the closet handle shut, and then attached a note that reads "NEVER AGAIN >:|"? T-Rex: Sir, calm down! T-Rex (punchline): You can thank me whenever!!

c-can you tell them that - that t-rex sent you?

Narrator: COMICS FOR HETEROSEXUAL CHICKS AND TOTALLY GAY DUDES! Narrator: today's comic Narrator: HOW TO GET A MAN TO LIKE YOU T-Rex: Okay heterosexual chicks and totally gay dudes! Getting a man to like you is TRIVIAL. T-Rex: Have you tried sexing him up? Narrator: THE END Utahraptor: T-Rex, that's terrible! T-Rex: Hee hee! T-Rex: What's terrible? I'm just propogating the stereotype that all men want is sex and that if you want to attract one, then you should have sex with him as soon as possible, and he'll be yours for as long as you keep trading sex for intimac- T-Rex: Wait, that is terrible. Utahraptor: Uh-huh! T-Rex: ATTENTION, all heterosexual chicks and gay dudes! Don't listen to me! Multiple off-panel voices: It's too late, T-Rex! We're going to have sex with men RIGHT NOW!! T-Rex (punchline): SERIOUSLY??

did you know that every verb sense of "experiment" can be replaced with "do science", we should get on that.

God: HEY T-REX DO YOU BELIEVE MONEY MAKES PEOPLE HAPPIER T-Rex: Let's discuss! T-Rex: I think it's clear that at some income levels, money DOES buy happiness! T-Rex: If you can't afford to eat or buy diapers for your child and then you can, that money will make you happy and have obviously bought you happiness! Dromiceiomimus: On the other hand, some lottery winners are less happy a few years after winning than they were before! T-Rex: Mo' money CAN, apparently, indeed lead to mo' problems. T-Rex: So let us say money can buy happiness, assuming it's not received all at once. Utahraptor: But billionaries aren't uniformly jolly! T-Rex: That's true. Okay, so clearly there's a function where money buys happiness with less efficiency as happiness increases. Utahraptor: That implies giving a depressed dude a few bucks will cheer him right up. T-Rex: Heck, maybe it does! Let's find a depressed dude and find out! God: T-REX I WAS JUST MAKING CONVERSATION T-Rex: Oh! God: THERE'S NO NEED TO DO SCIENCE ON DEPRESSED DUDES T-Rex: ...Oh. God: I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SAY THAT MORE THAN ONCE YOU KNOW T-Rex (punchline): I said "Oh"!!

seriously, why have we not all evolved into incorporeal cosmic intelligences yet without the need of mortal bodies? Is it because we'd miss the sex? Because if that's the case, then why don't we just have a totally insane amount sex RIGHT NOW, and THEN evolve into incorporeal cosmic intelligences without the need of mortal bodies??

T-Rex: So I am a guy who is really afraid of going crazy. I don't want to go crazy, okay guys?? T-Rex: OKAY. T-Rex: And I think I've figured out what part of my fear is about: causation! There's tons of mental illnesses where we can't find any reason for them to be happening and have no idea what's causing them. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT CAUSES SCHIZOPHRENIA. You can just wake up one day and say, oh damn dudes, I've got schizophrenia! HOW IS THAT NOT TERRIFYING? Utahraptor: Physical diseases are like that too, T-Rex! T-Rex: What? No they're not! Utahraptor: Yeah, any disease can have an idiopathic version, meaning for all intents and purposes that it arises spontaneously, with no detectable physical cause. All we can do is shrug and try to treat the symptoms! T-Rex: SERIOUSLY? T-Rex (punchline): Oh my god being a physical being is such total baloney! Narrator: THE END

t-rex is a big fan of expressions that he's heard on any show ending with 'TNG'

T-Rex: Wow, it's great to be back in a timeframe that ISN'T messed up beyond recognition! Is this the last time I will ever have incident to say that sentence? T-Rex: Here's hoping! T-Rex: How are you feeling, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I'm feeling alright! I just don't understand how this all happened. How did you manage to screw up time itself? And since time and space are a continuum, wouldn't you have also screwed up space itself too? T-Rex: I don't know! PROBABLY I'm just lucky. Utahraptor: I do think she raises a good point, T-Rex! T-Rex: About time travel and space? Utahraptor: Yeah! In fact, this whole thing has raised a lot of questions. How did you even build a time machine in the first place? T-Rex: Dude, I simply employed lots of ingenuity and cleverness! SO much. Utahraptor: That's not an explanation! That's not even close to an explanation! T-Rex: The REAL question is, why's everyone getting all up in my fries? Is there something particularly attractive about my fries today? T-Rex (punchline): Discuss!

i read one theory for the cause of the great vowel shift that said there may have been a lot of influential people in england with speech impediments, and we all copied them. attention linguists! more theories like this one plz

T-Rex: In the 15th and 16th centuries, spoken English changed dramatically, with vowels changing pronunciation and moving upwards in the mouth. Before it, we all sounded like ye olde-fashioned chumps. Afterwards, we all sounded hip and modern! T-Rex: It was a century of kids outcooling their parents! T-Rex: Before, "boots" was pronounced "boats", and feet like "fate". PRETTY OLD FASHIONED, dudes! But what's amazing is that the printing press was invented just before this started, and it was at that point that the spellings of words really got fixed. That's why English has so many oddly-spelt words! They show the pronunciation of words as they were, just before we underwent the Great Vowel Shift and decided to, you know, say everything differently. Utahraptor: And nobody knows why it happened! T-Rex: I know! It's so amazing! T-Rex: Linguists are like, "Maybe immigration from the Black Death caused regional accents to be absorbed?" and then another says, "Maybe the English wanted to distinguish their language from the hated French?" and then they both shrug at each other! Utahraptor: I don't think - T-Rex: I saw it!! Narrator: 15TH CENTURY ENGLAND: T-Rex: Hey peasants! Tell all your friends to pronounce "boner" like "bone-air", okay? It'll make the future HILARIOUS. Multiple off-panel voices: No way! However, maybe we WILL tell them to diphthongize their highest long vowels. T-Rex (punchline): Guys! So not as cool!!

even meta-problems like "too many time machines" or "time machines have screwed up other time machines" can be solved with time machines. IT'S A UNIVERSAL PANACEA THAT ALSO LETS YOU SEE IF NESSIE WAS EVER THERE (continuity)

T-Rex: I've been thinking about time travel lately! God: YOU THINK ABOUT TIME TRAVEL CONSTANTLY T-Rex: That's true; I AM pretty great! T-Rex: And it occurs to me that time travel will revolutionize the social sciences! T-Rex: For the first time ever, these "social" sciences can become true hard-core sciences: we'll be able to do EXPERIMENTS. Go back in time to an interesting economic situation, and see how different solutions work! We'll finally be able to control initial conditions! Dromiceiomimus: But then when you go back to your own time, things might've changed! T-Rex: TRUE. Utahraptor: So run the experiments on the future! T-Rex: It is the perfect solution! Utahraptor: We choose a FUTURE interesting time, experiment all we want, and then go back to our present and present the results. T-Rex: Yes! We will mine the future... for SCIENCE. And who cares if the future is in a constant state of flux? We don't live there! NOBODY WE KNOW LIVES THERE. God: YOU MIGHT EVENTUALLY LIVE THERE T-REX T-Rex: Whatever, man! You know what my super-sarcastic answer to all problems is, once we invent a time machine? T-Rex: "OH NO" T-Rex (punchline): "IF ONLY THIS WAS A PROBLEM THAT COULD BE SOLVED WITH A TIME MACHINE"

this is pretty much my birthday present to myself!

T-Rex: Here I go, here I go, here I go again! Girls, what's my weakness? T-Rex: Men! T-Rex: Ok then, chillin', chillin', mindin' my business... Dromiceiomimus: Word! T-Rex: Yo, Salt, I looked around, and I couldn't believe this: I swear, I stared, my niece my witness! The brother had it goin' on with somethin' kinda... UH! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Ummm, you're packed and you're stacked, (specially in the back)! Utahraptor: Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that! T-Rex: Thanks, mom! Utahraptor: Can I get some fries with that shake-shake booty? If looks could kill, you would be an uzi! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: So what you wanna do? God: WHAT YOU WANNA DO T-Rex (punchline): Mmmm, I wanna shoop!

how am i the first person on the web to say "Lucasian hyperspace"; have i logged on to an alternate version that was invented in 2007 instead of the early 90s? were we all arguing about harry potter on newsgroups instead? WHAT IS GOING ON

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX I HAVE DISCOVERED SOME INTERESTING STAR TREK FACTS T-Rex: Huh! Devil: THAT I NOW PROPOSE SHARING WITH YOU T-Rex: ... T-Rex: MAKE IT SO. Devil: DID YOU KNOW THAT THE SAME WARP FIELD TECHNOLOGY THAT ALLOWS THE ENTERPRISE TO TRAVEL FASTER THAN LIGHT IS ALSO USED IN THE SHIP'S COMPUTER CORE IN A NON-PROPULSIVE MANNER TO FACILITATE FASTER-THAN-LIGHT CALCULATIONS T-Rex: That's awesome! Like the old saying goes, once you have warp field technology, all your problems start to look like nails that could have warp field technology applied to them. T-Rex: And it proves once and for all that Star Trek is better than Star Wars! Utahraptor: What does? T-Rex: Star Trek uses warp technology to speed up their computers, while the Star Wars jerks never apply hyperspace to THEIR compudroids or whatever! Utahraptor: I believe Lucasian hyperspace is more "routes that are travelled" than "technology that can be adapted in new ways". T-Rex: Ah, but are you considering the full Expanded Universe when you say that? T-Rex: I don't actually know what I'm saying; I've just won Star Wars arguments before when I've said that sentence. T-Rex (punchline): Heads up!

close call there, t-rex!!

T-Rex: Zero replies on my awesome personal ad! Maybe it was TOO awesome? Maybe... maybe there was a spelling mistake? T-Rex: Man! I'll never have kids at this rate! Dromiceiomimus: Aww! You want kids, T-Rex? They'd be cute! T-Rex: I don't know - maybe! But it would be years down the road. The thing is, IF I want kids, I have to meet someone, fall in love, convince her to fall in love with me, etc., and then get married and then have children and MAN, that can be a long process. I need to start planning now if I want children in the next 10 years! I need to start HEDGING MY BETS. Utahraptor: You could have kids out of wedlock with some random woman! T-Rex: Always an option, my friend! T-Rex: But if I want to build a family in the classical way - and I'm not sure that I do, but I might in the future - I need to get on that now! Utahraptor: Perhaps, rather than trying to hedge bets for all possible futures, you should just figure out what you really want! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Oh, nevermind! There really WAS a spelling mistake. T-Rex: No wonder all the sexy babes were turned off! T-Rex (punchline): Sheesh, T-Rex!

'bicurious teens don't need to advertise'

T-Rex: "Bicurious"! T-Rex: Hee hee! T-Rex: I can't get enough! T-Rex: The sad thing is that the word is rarely used sincerely anymore - the only place you see it is in those sleazy newspapers with back-page advertisements for "bicurious teens!". Bicurious teens don't need to advertise! Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, or like, "single bicurious lesbians". T-Rex: Holy shit! Single bicurious lesbians!! Utahraptor: Damn it T-Rex, you're obsessed! You want your "bicuriosity" satisfied?! We'll satisfy it right now! T-Rex: [small] oh hey utahr- T-Rex: Wh- T-Rex: Did you just squeeze my bum? Utahraptor: There! It's done! Now you can stop talking about your damn bicuriosity: it's satisfied! T-Rex: "Bicuriosity: satisfied"? More like, "Bicuriosity: disappointed by a fumbling and frankly clumsy grope!" T-Rex: That's right, my friend! T-Rex (punchline): CLUMSY

his costume would be a confusing mix of signals

T-Rex: Hallowe'en is coming up! T-Rex: Which means, of course, that I had better get started working on my costume! T-Rex: 2 years ago I went as a ninja! That was awesome, because I got to hit people with my ninja stick! T-Rex: Last year I was a bear! T-Rex: That was not so awesome. Utahraptor: Working on costume ideas, I see! Utahraptor: Well good luck! This year my costume is going to kick your costume's butt! T-Rex: Oh yeah? What are you dressing up as? Utahraptor: I haven't decided yet! I might go for a CONCEPT. Off panel: I might go as "PLATONIC LOVE". T-Rex (punchline): Good luck representing that in a way that guys don't find inherently confusing!

this isn't breaking the fourth wall, because i currently have planned 'what are you doing in my epilogue' to be my last words, so people can say it in real life or whatever

T-Rex: I don't want anything bad to happen to my friends! I don't want anything bad to happen to people who aren't my friends either, but I don't want anything bad to happen to my friends IN PARTICULAR. Narrator: T-REX, UTAHRAPTOR AND DROMICEIOMIMUS STAR IN: COMICS! T-Rex: The odds are that SOMEONE I know will be a victim of theft or crime or an accident or even violence, and that sucks, because there's basically nothing I can do to stop it! Dromiceiomimus: You COULD stop it if you had absolute dominion over time and space, T-Rex. T-Rex: You know I don't!! Utahraptor: You can't really live your life in fear of bad things happening, my friend! T-Rex: Oh, it's not fear. T-Rex: It's just - a preemptive sadness, I guess? Melancholy. By "melancholy" I mean "a thoughtful sadness", as opposed to the archaic definition ("a black bile once believed to be excreted by the kidneys"). Utahraptor: I got that from context, yeah. Narrator: EPILOGUE: T-Rex: I stomped on people while talking about how sad it is when bad things happen! This is an example of "dramatic irony". Off panel: No it's not! T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor, you crazy dude! What are you doing in my epilogue?

this comic is dedicated to all the ideas that are really good until you say them out loud; there is probably a surprise one in your head RIGHT NOW

T-Rex: Who here wants to watch me sleep? Before you answer, let me say this! T-Rex: A TRUE FRIEND WOULD WATCH ME SLEEP. Dromiceiomimus: I guess - I guess I'll watch you sleep? T-Rex: INCORRECT ANSWER. You have to want it! You must have a DESIRE to watch me sleep. Dromiceiomimus: Is it okay if I lie about having the desire just to make you feel good? T-Rex: NOT ANYMORE!! Utahraptor: What the heck, dude? Why so into people watching you sleep? T-Rex: It's simple! T-Rex: The Minbari watch people sleep because when someone is sleeping, their true face is revealed. Utahraptor: The Minbari? From Babylon 5? Hah! Didn't know you were the "make B5 references a decade after it went off the air" type. T-Rex: It sounded like a good idea! T-Rex: ...Before I said it out loud, OBVIOUSLY. T-Rex (punchline): *sigh*

we, um - we do these comics live. on the plus side, the laughter you hear is produced by a studio audience, only the studio is distributed across the world's homes and offices and appears generally when the audience is supposed to be working YES I MEAN YOU

Narrator: EMERGENCY KNOWLEDGE ABOUT HOW TO LAND AIRPLANES Narrator: print and save, but do not read until you need to know about landing airplanes like RIGHT THIS SECOND T-Rex: Oh crap!! LANDING AIRPLANES?! T-Rex: Okay okay okay STAY COOL JUST - JUST STAY COOL. We can learn about landing airplanes really fast. Dromiceiomimus, can you pull up Wikipedia real quick? Tell me if there's a "how to land an airplane it's an emergency" article, and if there's not, then why not? Dromiceiomimus: I'm not by a computer! T-Rex: OH CRAAAAAAAAP Utahraptor: Just go off the top of your head! T-Rex: Yes! Good idea! T-Rex: Airplanes can be found in many sizes: small, medium, and yes, even large! In terms of landing one, you'll need landing gear, which can be many colours, as paint can be applied to the wheels - Utahraptor: THIS IS NOT REAL INFORMATION, T-REX! T-Rex: AAAAAAHHHHH!! T-Rex (punchline): AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

it's true! i personally know of TWO people who are doing this 'death in advance' thing. next time you put flowers on a grave, you should check that the person is actually dead! also this advice was probably already appropriate even before people started doing this.

T-Rex: I'm not going to leave what happens to me after I die up to others. What if they put on a weaksauce funeral? T-Rex: People might equate a weaksauce funeral with a correspondingly weaksauce dude! T-Rex: Worse, what if they bury me in an UNCOOL part of the graveyard? Dromiceiomimus: Aww, we wouldn't do that, T-Rex! We would bury you with all the cool kids. T-Rex: Perhaps! But I've decided to solve this problem ONCE AND FOR ALL by arranging my own funeral, plot and gravestone myself. Tada! Utahraptor: This has actually been done before, my friend! T-Rex: Really? Utahraptor: Yep! It is a growing trend in the "moribund set". People get everything set up in advance! You can even visit your own grave if you want - the expiry date gets filled in when you die. T-Rex: Spooky! Utahraptor: Not really, since there's nothing buried there yet! It is pure FORESHADOWING. T-Rex: Huh! It seems less cool, knowing that it's been done before. But I guess I COULD still visit my grave and pretend to be a time traveller who's changed the past! The whole "Noo! I changed the past!" idea. You know? T-Rex (punchline): Like I'm surprised at how sucky a time traveller I am?

best friends 4ever!

T-Rex: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! T-Rex: There's water in the basement and I don't know what to do! T-Rex: If the basement keeps on flooding, then I'll certainly be blue! T-Rex: The water heater's leaking and my showers are all cold! T-Rex: I wouldn't mind so much, but it makes me feel so old! Utahraptor: Oooh, boo on the last line of your song, my friend! T-Rex: Boo? Utahraptor: Yeah! The story was holding together pretty well until you got to that point, but cold showers make you feel old? Not really! They wake you up, mostly. Utahraptor: On the other hand, I thought "feeling blue" tied into the water theme well! T-Rex (punchline): Thanks for your thoughts! Off panel: Hey, anytime! Narrator: "Best friends forever"

What, zero replies?! HOW DOES JOEY COMEAU DO IT?

Dating profile: Mom you're not allowed to read this okay? If you know how to stop mom from reading my profile please contact me ASAP!! Dating profile: Member Name: T-Rex Dating profile: Member Description: i meant to write t-sex there but it won't let me change it Dating profile: Hello ladies! My name is T-Rex. I am a rad dude with a rad 'tude! I hope you were wanting to hear about my 'tude today because you just did!! Dating profile: Here is a picture of me with my friend Dromiceiomimus. We dated and are still really close! I hope you are cool with that. SHE IS A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE. I HOPE YOU ARE STILL COOL WITH THAT. I WILL CALL HER SOMETIMES. Dating profile: Here are pics of me and my friends. Wait the thing said I have to fill these out! In my bedroom you will find: UNPARALLELED PLEASURE?? Dating profile: More about what I'm looking for: i want to die in a bog. Dating profile: no, it’s NOT okay to contact this member about extra-marital affairs Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: T-Rex: What? Zero replies?? T-Rex (punchline): [small] But my clock is ticking

listen team, i have a new concept for team sports! everyone stop playing the game you're already enjoying because i invented one i don't think i can ruin

T-Rex: Hello! I have played rugby exactly once? Narrator: RUGBY AS SHE IS PLAYED T-Rex: I was young, in primary school, and sports were a thing that I hated. Team sports, really, because - oh god, teams. Being the last to be chosen was just the beginning: you knew you had an hour ahead of you of playing a game where you didn't know the rules but everyone else did, an hour of not being sure who was on your team and who wasn't, an hour where the only relief was when you somehow threw the ball away in the right direction after it came to you. Utahraptor: This is all about you! What about rugby? T-Rex: What about it?! Grab the ball, try to get to the other side. T-Rex: The other team will be doing the same. Sometimes, even the teacher will yell at you in frustration because you don't know what's going on. That's great. I love getting yelled at by everyone. Let's assume all kids know the rules to all sports ever, because nothing's more interesting to a child than LEARNING RULES. T-Rex: Our team lost, badly, and everyone blamed me. But how is that fair? Any TEAM sport is broken if one player can ruin the game; I should be able to influence no more than 1/$numplayers of the total score! T-Rex (punchline): Nobody listens in the locker room when you say that though

will this help octopus t-shirt sales, or just make people terrified to wear them? i'm already kind of terrified!

T-Rex: My sinister raccoon and cephalopod neighbours are having a sleep-over party. Okay! That's innocent enough. I don't judge! T-Rex: But putting up fliers for it around town? T-Rex: That's creepy! That's odd! That's OFF. Who indiscriminately invites people to a slumber party? Dromiceiomimus: Your neighbours, apparently! T-Rex: Apparently! Utahraptor: So are you going to go? You are their neighbour, after all! T-Rex: No way, man! T-Rex: I've TOLD you all the creepy things they've said to me! I don't want to put myself in a situation where I'm UNCONSCIOUS and pyjama-clad around them! Holy heck! Utahraptor: I think maybe you should go! How bad could it be? They're your NEIGHBOURS. Narrator: THAT NIGHT: Off panel: COME TO OUR SLUMBER PARTY, NEIGHBOUR? T-Rex (punchline): I'm sorry, I - I think I'm busy that night! Off panel: YOU CAN SLEEP IN MY ROOM, T-REX. Off panel: I JUST WANT TO TASTE YOU

generally i pluralize "uterus" as "uteron" but in this case i'm willing to make an exception and go with "majority opinion" so that my comic might be "understandable"

T-Rex: We dinosaurs are pretty badass. We're apex predators and we bend the world to our will! We are the grea- God: YOU'RE NOT AS BADASS AS SHARKS T-Rex: Say whaaaat? God: T-REX HOW WERE YOU BORN T-Rex: My mom laid an egg and then later on I PUNCHED MY WAY OUT! God: YAWN God: MOM SAND TIGER SHARKS HAVE TWO UTERI WHERE SCORES OF UNBORN BABIES FEED FROM A YOLK SACK UNTIL IT'S USED UP AT WHICH POINT THEY START EATING EACH OTHER T-Rex: what God: INSIDE THE WOMB T-Rex: WHAT God: THE TWO SURVIVORS ARE BORN FULLY ABLE TO DEFEND THEMSELVES T-Rex: ...alright that is ultimate badass. Utahraptor: What is? T-Rex: Being born a seasoned combat veteran with the scars to prove it? Being born a cannibal? GETTING BORN ONLY BECAUSE YOU WERE THE TOUGHEST, HUNGRIEST FOETUS IN ALL OF U-TOWNE?? Utahraptor: Ah, sand tiger sharks. Yeah, they discovered this when one tried to eat the hand of a biologist during a maternal examination. T-Rex: I never even tried to eat the hand of any animal till AFTER I was born. T-Rex: Man! T-Rex (punchline): *siiigh*

Steve Multiplication hated how long it took to add things up manually. "If only there were a quick way to calculate how many I would have if I had a group of, say, seven things, and then that group tripled!" he said. He stared in frustration at in his living room table, upon which he'd placed several clocks all set to different time zones. It was his "times table", and Steve Multiplication was now only seconds away from a moment of insight that would change the world, and which still bears his name today.

T-Rex: Quick! Name a mathematician who did their best work past the age of 40! T-Rex: You can't, can you?! T-Rex: There you have it: math is an exercise in pure thought, and nobody's brilliant at it once they get old: PROOF that our minds get all soft and sloppy as we get old! We should all fear aging as the slow death of self; T-REX OUT. Dromiceiomimus: I actually can't name ANY mathematicians. Is there one named Steve... Multiplication? T-Rex: ...I mean, it seems likely. Utahraptor: You know what the two top prizes for math are? T-Rex: The Emmymatics and the Mathemoscar! Utahraptor: No, they're the Fields Medal and Abel Prize, and the Fields Medal only goes to people under 40. That's part of what perpetuates this myth of "nobody over 40 is good at math". T-Rex: Okay. Has anyone over 40 won the Abel prize? Utahraptor: I don't want to talk about it. T-Rex: ONE FINAL QUESTION. The actual gold Fields Medal prize you get: is it known as "the Fields Metal"? Off panel: I believe not. T-Rex (punchline): Then I'm going home and math is a waste of time forever. SORRY; IT'S TOTALLY TRUE

if i left the last panel blank, would that be too obvious? MAYBE JUST A LITTLE, HUH??

Image description: Unusually, the image is a JPEG rather than a PNG. It's because the image contains a steganographic message encoded with steghide (https://steghide.sourceforge.net; web UI at http://futureboy.us/stegano/decinput.html). The message is a green monochromatic photo of a T-Rex sculpture saying "boooooooooooooners". Narrator: MODERN STEGANOGRAPHY T-Rex: Guys steganography is so awesome! T-Rex: I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. T-Rex: It is the technology (and art!) of concealing messages from people. With steganography you can pass around SECRET MESSAGES, and nobody except for you and the target will even know the message is there! FOR EXAMPLE: digital photography! Pictures use bytes to represent colour data, right? So all you do is use the least significant bit of each byte as your payload, and tada! Instant hidden information in any old image! Utahraptor: But that alters the image, dear friend! T-Rex: TRUE. But only a little! T-Rex: Colours change to just a slightly different shade of the same colour. The naked eye won't see anything, and it'll really only be detected if you've got the original image to compare with! Utahraptor: It's too bad we don't have any secret messages to send. T-Rex: Yes... TOO BAD INDEED. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE SUPERSPIES: Off panel: It says here that you and Agent U just surprise each other with steganographic images of swear words all day long. T-Rex: Sir! I don't understand!! T-Rex (punchline): It is extremely hilarious!

that didn't help at all!

T-Rex: Why am I here? T-Rex: Good question! T-Rex: Am I here to fulfill some higher purpose? How can that be, if I remain completely unaware of it? T-Rex: It appears that there is some aspect of myself that craves a meaning - any meaning - to my actions. Utahraptor: If you feel so aimless, why not create your own meaning and invest your actions with it? T-Rex: Good idea! T-Rex: So what meaning do you see my actions representing? Utahraptor: The futility of life? T-Rex: Oh man! T-Rex (punchline): Now I feel worse than ever!

CITIZENS IN THE U.S. COURT SYSTEM: why do you say you're taking the fifth when you could say you're LEAVING four fifths remaining for somebody else?? accentuate the positive

T-Rex: Who likes doing math in their head? NOT ME, LADIES. So to help us ALL out, I've decided to T-Rex: SIMPLIFY IDIOMATIC EXCHANGE RATES T-Rex: YES. For example, instead of saying you work a 9 to 5 job, normalize that puppy! You're working 1.8 to 1. Hey presto! Dromiceiomimus: But that's not - T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I've been working on this 24/7; I'm PRETTY SURE I know what I'm talking about! Or should I say... I've been working on this 3.42857?? Utahraptor: Instead of hindsight being 20/20, now hindsight is always 1? T-Rex: Exactly! You summed to a total of 4! Utahraptor: I - oh. I put two and two together. T-Rex: Yes! I knew you'd figure this out! You know what's going on with probability 0.9. Utahraptor: Nine times out of ten, yep. You're second to none, T-Rex! T-Rex: ERROR!! T-Rex (punchline): UNDEFINED RESULT

you had me at the first mention of emblematic classic rock power ballad 'total eclipse of the heart'

Narrator: SONGS IN LIMERICK FORMAT COMICS T-Rex: What? What? Narrator: THE WHITE STRIPES: SEVEN NATION ARMY T-Rex: Okay, um: There was a young man who would yell, That we all had a story to tell, Feelings in his bones Said to find a home From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell! God: THAT'S REALLY NOT BAD FOR SOMETHING RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD T-Rex: I know, right? Go me! Utahraptor: Is that what we do now? Just shift songs into different formats? T-Rex: It's fun! Utahraptor: I just was hoping to hear more about you and your life right now, you know? How'd that Nazi Pin thing work out for you? T-Rex: Okay, honestly, who wants to hear about Nazi pins? Utahraptor: Me! I do. T-Rex: And INSTEAD, who wants to hear me sing the classic rock power ballad "Total Eclipse of the Heart", while SIMULTANEOUSLY transforming the chorus into one focused on NAUGHTY LIMERICKS?? Off panel: I do! I do! T-Rex: Um T-Rex (punchline): You only get one vote, UTAHRAPTOR

IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEBODY FORGOT TO PROGRAM IN THE BIT ABOUT "LEARNING THE RULES OF TIC TAC TOE FROM JUST STARING IN FRUSTRATION AT THE BOARD"

T-Rex: I have come up with a totally original way to prevent my superintelligent email AI from trying to take over the world! And it's way more reliable than just programming in restrictions against that. T-Rex: Tic Tac Toe! T-Rex: I'll simply make my AI play billions and billions of games of Tic Tac Toe, and in doing so it will realize the fundamental futility of war! Dromiceiomimus: Assuming that both players play the game optimally! And assuming that in the war, one player moves first. T-Rex: Yes. Utahraptor: And ALSO assuming in war, both players have units of equal strength! T-Rex: Yes, also that. Utahraptor: In fact, assuming that all units are exactly equal and any differences between them are purely cosmetic! T-Rex: Yes, OBVIOUSLY. And my AI will play these games and eventually see that war is futile! The only winning move, it will realize, is to just answer my friggin' email. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): How's the Tic Tac Toe coming along, Superintelligent AI? Off panel: [small] HEY T-REX, I WAS PROGRAMMED TO ANSWER EMAIL SO, UM Off panel: [small] NOT WELL

we cut up thousands of fish and pressed their remains into squares and we will sell you that here at burger king

Off panel: Here at Burger King we offer meat sandwiches T-Rex: THANKS, Burger King. I get it! Off panel: Sometimes you can order meat sandwiches from inside your car at Burger King T-Rex: THANKS BURGER KING I GET IT Off panel: We put potatoes in boiling grease and serve them in a cardboard sleeve at Burger King T-Rex: FINE. TERRIFIC. Never call Burger King on speakerphone, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: I do believe that is the first rule of speakerphone? Off panel: Burger King is where you can eat the breasts of chickens Utahraptor: Aw man, is that your speakerphone? T-Rex: YEP Off panel: At Burger King we shaped some vegetables to look like meat and put them in a microwave T-Rex: It's cordless, so it can follow me around. Utahraptor: Neat. Off panel: At many Burger King locations you can put ketchup in a tiny paper cup and then you may keep the cup T-Rex (punchline): I'm DYING

MY FRIEND YOUR DIET MIGHT BE RHETORICAL BALONEY / YOUR DIET MIGHT IN FACT BE RHETORICAL BALONEY SANDWICHES

God: T-REX SETTLE A BET God: WHAT'S FOR DINNER T-Rex: Chocolate's for dinner, my friend! MILK CHOCOLATE. Followed by an apéritif of dark chocolate! T-Rex: Preceded by an appetizer of caramel-filled chocolate! T-Rex: Predicated on a first course of peanut-butter filled chocolate, of course, which is followed by palate cleanser of raspberry filling-filled chocolate: DANG. All this is following a mint chocolate intermezzo. And THEN, an amuse-bouche of candied almond chocolate! T-Rex: WITH PUFFED RICE IN IT. Utahraptor: And then some white chocolate? T-Rex: And then some white chocolate! T-Rex: And a second course of extra dark chocolate with caramel, with more challenging courses of mint chocolate with raspberry filling and organic chocolate with peanut-butter filling and mint slipstreamed in. Utahraptor: For dessert? T-Rex: Choco peanuts and gummy bears, with post dessert choco coffee beans! T-Rex (punchline): Parallel to all this, AS USUAL, is 50% through 90% dark chocolate in strict 0.5% increments. So! Did we win the bet, God? God: LISTEN T-REX God: I DESIGNED YOU TO EAT MEAT SO UM God: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON

i for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of these discount oven fries?

T-Rex: It would be cool to be able to flash forward and see what my life would actually be like in ten or twenty years. T-Rex: Cool AND improbable! T-Rex: So improbable, in fact, that I have no idea of how I would accomplish it. Ah well! SO MUCH FOR VISIONS OF TOMORROW. Narrator: SUDDENLY, A VISION OF TOMORROW! Utahraptor: Hey, remember when years ago, you wanted to see the future? T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: I was just lingering over breakfast when I suddenly recalled that entire conversation. Isn't that wild? And I realized that if I told you about it, this could be your vision of tomorrow: future selves recalling the past! T-Rex: That's pretty wild! Narrator: BACK IN THE PRESENT: T-Rex: Well! T-Rex (punchline): I for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of the future?

so tempted just put up panel 1 and nothing else

T-Rex: Hey, God, would you still hang out with me if I didn't have any friends? God: HAHA NOPE Narrator: WHAT IF I HAD NO FRIENDS COMICS Narrator: starring t-rex the dinosaur T-Rex: I'm serious! I figure it's harder to make that first friend than it is to make the 20th, and I'm concerned that if I moved to a new town where I didn't know anybody, I wouldn't have any friends. Dromiceiomimus: You're good at making friends though, T-Rex! You're not shy! T-Rex: But that's just it - I'm just not shy around FRIENDS! It is a catch 22 in my social life! Utahraptor: Well, how did you make friends the first time? T-Rex: I don't remember, man! T-Rex: I must have been two years old or something. But I've used that first friend as a seed to get me all my other friends and now I have this irrational fear that my house of cards will come crashing down around me! Utahraptor: Hah! Looks like you'd better be EXTRA nice to us then! T-Rex: Wait. Wait - I have the solution! All we have to do is make a legally binding promise to be best friends forever, purely out of fear of being alone! T-Rex (punchline): T- That's attractive, right?

god now issues challenges to t-rex in the form of stunt eating. Like in Joan of Arc?

God: HEY T-REX I BET YOU COULDN'T EAT 12 SALTINE CRACKERS IN UNDER A MINUTE T-Rex: I'm instantly convinced that I could! Narrator: T-REX IN: "THE SALTINE CHALLENGE!" T-Rex: How hard can it be to chew and swallow 12 desiccated dry and salty crackers in under a minute? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, the Saltine Challenge! It's actually really hard, T-Rex. Your mouth is going to dry out and you'll find it impossible to swallow. T-Rex: Come on. I've heard THAT before! Utahraptor: Hey, care to make it interesting? T-Rex: Absolutely! T-Rex: I'm so convinced in my own abilities that I'll bet you FIVE DOLLARS that I'll pull this one off. Utahraptor: Five dollars! You're ON. Narrator: BUT IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY HARD AND KIND OF GROSS: T-Rex: My body has failed me for the first time ever! T-Rex (punchline): Also, I'm not sure how I feel about competitive eating.

IT IS THE CLOSEST THING TO PURE UNTAINTED FAITH I'VE GOT LEFT

God: T-REX IF YOU COULD SAY ONE SENTENCE TO YOUR PAST SELF WHAT WOULD IT BE T-Rex: Um - "What's shake-a-lakin', past dude?" God: "WHAT'S SHAKE-A-LAKIN' PAST DUDE" T-Rex: You put me on the spot! T-Rex: I need time to think of what I'd say to my younger self. What would you say, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: "Have confidence in this certainty: things will be alright." T-Rex: Really? That's a little too after-school special for me and my past self. Utahraptor: I'd say "sending messages through time is possible, and you'll live long enough to take advantage of it!" T-Rex: Not bad! T-Rex: But that's already implied by the medium itself. I suppose I could take advantage of the "one sentence" policy and compose the longest most complex sentence ever, and pour my heart into it. Utahraptor: That works too! T-Rex: But what to say? What to say? God: ANYWAY THE REASON I ASKED IS THAT I'VE GOT A MESSAGE FROM YOUR FUTURE SELF God: IT READS "TELL PAST ME THAT SAYING 'BONERS AHOY' IS STILL WAY HILARIOUS IN THE FUTURE" T-Rex: Man! T-Rex (punchline): BUT I WAS ALREADY ASSUMING THAT

i am tempted to make a bible that has that passage in it; i think it would sell well in the states! i could also modify the ending a bit and sell copies to ''the NBA'', UCLA, or ''ol' Paraguay''

Narrator: REPRISE COMICS today's reprise: Narrator: YESTERDAY'S "BIBLE II" COMIC Narrator: FROM DROMICEIOMIMUS'S PERSPECTIVE! T-Rex: You - you dedicated BIBLE II to me? I'm not sure how I feel about that. Dromiceiomimus: [thinks] I didn't! DID I?? Narrator: the end! Narrator: FROM GOD'S PERSPECTIVE! God: I SURE HOPE THEY'RE NOT MAKING FUN OF MY BIBLE II RIGHT NOW God: OR AT LEAST NOT MY FAVOURITE PASSAGE WHICH READS IN PART "THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, OKAY, OKAY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE U! S! A!" God: SO AWESOME Narrator: FROM MORRIS'S PERSPECTIVE! Morris: oh shucks i dunno t-rex i think that maybe one bible is just enough for me, since i never even read the first one! i tried really hard twice, two times, but the words were so big and i was so small and i thought "how am i gonna get all those big words into my head?" so it was real confusing, a real pickle, you know? but then my mom came home and it turned out that i didn't even have a bible! i had a cookbook under my pillow the whole time, and all i memorized was how to cook professional enchiladas T-Rex (punchline): Oh, Morris!

go on, try it! nobody's looking

T-Rex: Have you ever noticed that summer is when pretty girls come out? T-Rex: I suspect that you have, because it's totally true! T-Rex: I also suspect that I'm not supposed to notice - but wow! There are pretty girls EVERYWHERE. They're just walking around, chatting with their friends, being attractive. I like to look at them! They're so pretty! Utahraptor: Are you worried that you sound a little creepy? T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: Walking around saying "girls are pretty"? I don't know! It's the sort of thing that everyone thinks but nobody says. How would you like it if a girl came up to you and said you were pretty? T-Rex: Hah hah! I would be like, "Hello!" T-Rex (punchline): I'd lick my lips while I said, "Hello!"

t-rex also thinks that deep and important friendships are pretty okay

T-Rex: Time to talk about everyone's favourite topic... T-Rex: Relationships! T-Rex: Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that required at least a few sentences to explain what was going on, that couldn't be summed up in a single word like "boyfriend" or "ex-girlfriend"? Dromiceiomimus: Well, actually, the thing you and I have is sort of - T-Rex: Exactly! I'm glad you understand, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: So what about relationships that can't be summarized in one word? T-Rex: Um. T-Rex: They're... pretty okay? Utahraptor: They're "pretty okay". T-Rex: Okay, honestly, I wanted to talk more about how deep and important some friendships can be, but we've somehow moved away from that. T-Rex (punchline): I have no-one to blame but myself!

utahraptor has already heard 117 separate instances of poetry today. he is truly at a loss to explain it.

T-Rex: Dear poets, I am sorry I've been making fun of your craft for over 20 years. It is actually harder than it looks! Narrator: AN APOLOGY TO Narrator: POETS T-Rex: I have been trying, UNSUCCESSFULLY, to write a poem for the past half hour. I am trying to capture the emotion of getting up early in winter, during a heavy snowfall, and going for a walk and coming across a set of traffic lights (the kind that switch automatically) controlling traffic that isn't there, traffic that won't be there for hours. The sense of seeing them as art, of watching them through the snowfall in the crisp dusk of a new day. Utahraptor: So let's hear what you've written so far! T-Rex: Okay, but I warn you: it is unfinished. T-Rex: "Once upon a time / Some traffic lights did time / Colours on the snow / Where oh where did they all go?" Utahraptor: Hah hah! That is definitely the worst poem I've heard all day. T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well, not if I do... THIS! T-Rex: "Dancing is crazy; fun to do / Would you like to dance? Yes, you!" Off panel: That's actually way better than the last one. T-Rex (punchline): Are there cash awards for poetry, do you know?

i stole most of the dialogue for this comic off the messageboard! (thanks joey and justinpie and vituperator, i stole your words!)

T-Rex: I just found out that a hurricane is expected to hit this area! T-Rex: More specifically, the area including my house! T-Rex: A category one! We hardly ever get actual hurricanes here! T-Rex: I am the EXCITED one. T-Rex: In fact - more like category fun! This is going to be awesome! Utahraptor: Aren't you afraid? T-Rex: Why? I'll be able to don a raincoat and hat, go outside in the storm and pretend to give pseudo-meteorological reports! T-Rex: "Back to you, Utahraptor!" Utahraptor: That - that actually sounds like a lot of fun. Narrator: LATER... T-Rex (punchline): My house!

utahraptor your epitaph makes me want to die RIGHT NOW so i can use it before anyone else! I LOVE BEING ALIVE, HOW DID YOU PULL THIS OFF??

Narrator: EPITAPH THURSDAY T-Rex: Oh heck! Epitaph Thursday AGAIN?? T-Rex: Ahem. T-Rex: "Here lies T-Rex! SURROUNDED BY HIS VICTIMS." T-Rex: That one's awesome because it suggests that EVERYONE ELSE IN THE GRAVEYARD was murdered by me, Dromiceiomimus! The best gravestones, AS YOU KNOW, are the ones that totally mess up everyone else's gravestones. Dromiceiomimus: How about "Here lies T-Rex / He left the world the way he entered it: / Covered in yolk." T-Rex: We ARE born in eggs!! Utahraptor: "Here lies T-Rex! He died as he lived..." T-Rex: ...Go on! Utahraptor: Um. "Eventually"? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Epitaph Thursday is about EXCELLENT EPITAPHS. You need to get your head in the game!! Utahraptor: Okay okay: "Here lies T-Rex / Or at least his body / We found it over there" T-Rex: Hello!! That is THE WORST EPITAPH. Off panel: "Here lies T-Rex / Where he's going, he won't need... roads." T-Rex: ...! T-Rex (punchline): oh my god YES

oh darling, let's never talk about political correctness again

T-Rex: Here are some amusing observations about everyday life! T-Rex: 1) Men stereotypically leave the toilet seat up! T-Rex: 2) Parking spaces can be rare. T-Rex: 3) Airplane food? T-Rex: Well... that's it! Utahraptor: The first of your "amusing observations" seems almost reverse sexist! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: Well, you’re making jokes about men, but that’s because they’re the safe target! They’re usually seen as having power in society. Would you make an equivalent joke about a woman? T-Rex: Sheesh, of course I would! I make jokes about whomever I please! Narrator: OUR STORY TAKES A SUDDEN DIVE... INTO GRAMMATICAL SCRUTINY! T-Rex (punchline): Is "whom" a necessary English construction? Its role as object is already indicated by syntax.

anyway it's "total eclipse of the heart" on endless loop because if there's any other emotions beyond "this power ballad rules, OMG" then i'm afraid i simply don't care to feel them

T-Rex: I'm creating the ULTIMATE MUSICAL MIX. It will take you on an emotional thrill ride! T-Rex: AND WE'RE STOPPING AT EVERY STATION. T-Rex: So, it's more of an emotional commuter train, I guess? ANYWAY, we're making a lot of stops. Hope you're not expecting to get anywhere quickly! Dromiceiomimus: Sounds like a real thrill ride! T-Rex: But the stations are EMOTIONS, like "nostalgia", "regret", and "that sad sad feeling that i'm not dealing / with well"! In music form! Utahraptor: So you've got a set of songs that will make us feel every possible emotion? T-Rex: I BELIEVE SO. T-Rex: And it's intense. Songs are prose and music mashed up together, and people weep at poetry, right? I think that's a thing. Anyway, this is poetry set to MUSIC. Utahraptor: Dude, I know what songs are. T-Rex: I'm putting them in SERIES. Utahraptor: Dude, I know what a DJ is. T-Rex (punchline): No, my name's T-Rex

oh morris, your text is a little smaller but your challenges are just as big

T-Rex: So, tiny bug on my nose, how was your day today? Morris: oh t-rex it was really a challenge for me today. but, you can - my name is morris, if you wanted to call me that. morris the bug T-Rex: Pleased to meet you, Morris! Morris: gosh i'm pleased to meet you, t-rex! and yes, to answer your question it was a real challenge for me today. i tried to park my car by the grocery store so i could buy some groceries but then i couldn't find where the parking meters were and i looked everywhere and finally i asked some people to help but none of them knew where the parking meters were either! so it was real confusing Dromiceiomimus: Didn't the grocery store have a parking lot, Morris? Morris: yeah but i didn't find that out till afterwards and i'd already made an awful embarrassment of myself by asking everyone where the meters were! sometimes i get a little confused is all T-Rex: That's okay, Morris! Everyone gets confused sometimes! Utahraptor: Did they have the groceries you wanted? Morris: well i dunno because i got so flustered from my mistake that i ended up just going home, empty-handed T-Rex: Aww, Morris! Utahraptor: I'm Utahraptor, by the way. Pleased to meet you! Morris: shucks i've never met so many people before all in one day! i'm morris, and i'm just a little bug who tries real hard T-Rex: If you ever need some help getting groceries, Morris, I bet we could help you out! Morris: that's awful nice but it turned out that bugs don't even shop at the grocery store! i must have gotten myself mixed up with a show i saw or a movie or something because we catch our food ourselves T-Rex (punchline): Is that why you're on my nose? To look for food? Morris: no, i'm just here to get out of my house a little plus i wrote my address on my wrist but i must have written it in smudgey ink or something cause all i see now are smudges! i've probably made a big mess of things again Morris: i can just tell

your whole family is made out of (bones and) meat

T-Rex: Turns out, we're members of a social species! We need to see other people and if we don't we get sad and weird!! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE US! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, what are you talking about? You love having friends! T-Rex: Sure, absolutely! But I was under the impression it was OPTIONAL! I thought I was a CHOOSING to have friends, not that I was biologically hard-wired for 'em!! T-Rex: What other aspects of my personality are just BIOLOGICAL DIRECTIVES? Am I nothing more than a mass of genetic imperatives?? Utahraptor: Yep! Utahraptor: You're a mass of bones and meat with needs and desires, of course that's affected who you are! If I wasn't bones and meat with needs and desires myself, I'd be SHOCKED the system even works! T-Rex: I need and desire you to stop describing my body that way. Off panel: If you tried to turn a ham sandwich into a sentient intelligence you'd expect there to be SOME side effects, so why are you surprised to see 'em when we're running on FAT and BLOOD and WEIRD JUICES?? T-Rex (punchline): Okay nope that made it worse; let's go back to "bones and meat" please!

utahraptor, the 'look at your burned hands' part of "burn ward get-to 64" has an endless loop of me saying "ouch ouch OUCH ouch ouch" and then sometimes "daaaaang"; i've ALREADY recorded this for you.

T-Rex: My game begins, and you are a tiny plumber! T-Rex: Then you eat a mushroom, and you become a bigger plumber! T-Rex: Then you eat a flower, and you gain the ability to shoot fire out of your hands! Dromiceiomimus: This sounds a lot like Super Mario Brothers, T-Rex! T-Rex: No, wait, because here's where it gets different: you've gained the ability to shoot fire out of your hands, but you HAVEN'T gained the ability to avoid suffering serious burns when you shoot out of your hands, so you suffer serious burns. On your hands. Then you press "A" to go to the burn ward. Utahraptor: And if I refuse? T-Rex: To press A? Then your hands are really messed up, dude!! T-Rex: MAN. It's gross. The rest of the game is a 3d model of your burned up hands. Most of the game's budget goes towards this one scene. "Never have burned hands been so terribly realistic," the reviews will say, "...so that is certainly something." Utahraptor: There are times when I'm glad you lack the skill to make games take place, T-Rex. T-Rex: But there are also times when you see that as the terrible tragedy of our times, right? Times when you'd wish nothing more than to build my game, so you could control the gross burnt-up fire hands of which I've dared to dream?? T-Rex (punchline): Because if so, this friendship could be PAYING OFF

basically t-rex wants to see a terminator petulantly stomp on a flower and say "so there". but then again, who doesn't?

T-Rex: Dudes! T-Rex: Why are there not cyborgs yet? T-Rex: Every day we're closer to the future, AND YET, every day I have to watch movies to see a cyborg rebelling against purely organic life, instead of just looking out my dang window! It's just - I don't want to have to sit my grandchildren down on my knees, pull them close, and tell them that our generation dropped the ball, so THEY'LL have to be the ones to pull out their eyes and stuff the holes with cameras and little red LEDs. Utahraptor: No child ever wants to hear their grandfather tell them that. T-Rex: This is what I'm saying! Utahraptor: But I take it you don't count people with artificial organs as cyborgs. T-Rex: Nope! As the sayings go, "Claims of cyborgnicity are lies until you can see incandescent red eyes", and "All cyborgs are null until you can see a chrome, gleaming partially exposed skull" T-Rex (punchline): I have always thought them to be remarkably poorly constructed sayings

and sometimes they even come back with '550 5.1.1 user not found'!

T-Rex: With new understandings coming from the field of Science, we no longer have to give God all the credit for creating the Universe! T-Rex: It's great! T-Rex: In the past, we did not have a very good understanding of our world, and so attributing storms and such to God made sense. T-Rex: But NOW, we understand things! We don't need a God to make hurricanes and babies for us. We can make them in a lab! T-Rex: In effect, WE (and by 'we' I mean 'dinosaurs') have become the all-powerful Gods of old! Utahraptor: I'm afraid your reasoning is flawed, T-Rex! Fatally flawed! T-Rex: I don't see how! Utahraptor: Well, say when you're a kid your father builds the house you live in. You'd give him the credit, right? And say that you're older and NOW, you understand how to build a house. Can you then conclude that your father didn't build your childhood home? Utahraptor: The answer is "no", T-Rex! T-Rex: Well I still have plenty more proof that God doesn't exist! Remember all those emails I sent Him back in December? T-Rex (punchline): They BOUNCED!

hey if you have never heard of star trek and holodecks then HELLO, WELCOME TO HISTORY'S MOST SURREAL LAST PANEL

T-Rex: Here are some jokes about horses. Why do horses like waterskiing? God: I DON'T KNOW WHY T-REX T-Rex: Um... because they're horses! God: T-REX THAT'S HORSE RACIST T-Rex: What?! T-Rex: How is it racist? Nobody thinks that horses are super waterskiers. God: NOT YET YOU ARE MAKING UP NEW RACISM T-Rex: FINE. Here's a non-racist horse joke: why do horses like to waterski? The answer is "I don't know, but it's definitely NOT because they're horses." T-Rex: "They probably have their reasons." Utahraptor: Man, what do you have against horses? T-Rex: NOTHING! I like horses! T-Rex: Some of my best friends are horses. That's why I can make horse jokes! They know I'm just kidding. They know that when I say "why the long face" I don't actually think all horses have long faces. Utahraptor: They do though. T-Rex (punchline): Shh! We're not supposed to notice! Off panel: Computer, freeze program. Off panel: HORSES, Geordi? Seriously? Off panel: Everyone loves horses, Captain. Off panel: I - I hope you have a horsey birthday

oh my god, that's horrible. in happier news, i did manage to avoid the dog when this happened to ME yesterday morning, and have scratched up my right side. wear a helmet everyone! otherwise today's comic would have been "THANX FOR READING I'M DEAD NOW, BUT GUYS, IT WAS A REALLY CUTE DOG"

T-Rex: Guess who had a bike accident yesterday morning! If you guessed "Shit! T-Rex?" you are correct!! T-Rex: Also, you shouldn't swear! T-Rex: But it was me. I was biking and a dog darted in front of me and I guess it turns out I'm not a guy who will run over a dog! I'll run over a squirrel no problem but I swerve and slam on my brakes and go over the handlebars of my bike to avoid hitting a dog. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I've always wondered: how do you ride a bike with your tiny ar- T-Rex: I get them custom made, DROMICEIOMIMUS. Utahraptor: So you swerved to avoid a dog and were thrown from your bike, going over the handlebars. T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: So where are the cuts? You should have at least a little road rash. T-Rex: They're all, um, on my opposite side right now. The side you can't see. Utahraptor: So turn around! T-Rex: Hello! I am late for an appointment! Also, I don't have to listen to you!! Narrator: SUDDEN DEPRESSING ENDING COMICS! T-Rex: There are no scratches! Alright? T-Rex: I - I just... T-Rex (punchline): I wanted to be the guy that swerved

this one goes out to shortpants, all the shortpants

Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH T-REX OWES UTAHRAPTOR FIFTY BUCKS T-Rex: Hah hah! Yep! T-Rex: And I TOTALLY haven't paid it back yet, either! Dromiceiomimus: What? Are you talking about your $50 debt to Utahraptor? T-Rex: He told you about that? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, he told me because he'd lent you the money a long time ago, and he was concerned that asking you for it a third time in as many months was not polite. I told him YOU were the one who was impolite for putting him in this situation! T-Rex: Man, now I'M the bad guy for not honoring debts in a timely manner? Utahraptor: My debt? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Homeslice! Oh, I wasn't talking about you, I was referring to another debt which - um, I also owe? Utahraptor: T-Rex, you only ever call me nicknames when you owe me money. T-Rex: Aw, that's not true! C'mon, Shortpants! T-Rex: !! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Oh my God, from now on his name is definitely Shortpants

now, if you'll excuse me, I'M going to go float in a volume of water.

T-Rex: Today is the day I bring back the word "daffy"! God: LIKE THE DUCK T-Rex: NO NOT LIKE THE DUCK T-Rex: It means "crazy"! T-Rex: And it USED to be a good adjective, until Daffy Duck showed up and stole it and now when I say "daffy" everyone thinks "duck"! He only wants the adjective for himself! He got GREEDY. Dromiceiomimus: But Daffy's his name! Shouldn't we think of him when we hear it? T-Rex: There's plenty of guys named "Bob", but I can still float in a volume of water without everyone suddenly reminiscing about those dudes! Utahraptor: So, if I can summarize: you're mad at a fictional character. T-Rex: Yes! No. T-Rex: Look, I just want to be able to use "daffy" again. I want to say, "What a daffy car that is!" and have nobody get that far-off "Huh, I wonder if they're still putting Daffy Duck on mugs" look in their eyes. Utahraptor: I - T-Rex: YES THEY ARE STILL PUTTING DAFFY DUCK ON MUGS Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I AM MAKING MY OWN DAFFY DUCK MUGS WHERE WHEN YOU PUT HOT LIQUID IN IT IT SAYS "DAFFY IS ALSO AN ADJECTIVE AND NOT JUST A DUCK" T-Rex: ALSO T-Rex (punchline): I SHOUTED TOO MUCH AND MY VOICE GOT STUCK THIS WAY

a parallel universe only because i still want to write more dinosaur comics

Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE: T-Rex: Hello everybody! I'm T-Rex and I'm here to endorse whatever product or service you'd like! Turn on your microphones and digital recorders, because: T-Rex: "I just can't get enough of..." T-Rex: "the/this/a/your/you", "wonderful/amazing/valuable/free/proven", "new/enhanced/improved/guaranteed", "service/product/lifestyle", "that/which", "now/greatly/somehow/always", "saves/simplifies/complicates/meddles in", "every/your/society's/your children's/Grandma's", "cooking/bedroom/office/cellar/beachhouse", "performance/results/love/money/sex/career"! T-Rex: Now I just wait for the money to roll in! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: I just can't get enough of this free new lifestyle that greatly complicates your children's office sex! T-Rex: Welp, that's it for me. I had a good run, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: You did. If only you'd chosen less terrible words to say. T-Rex (punchline): I think, somehow, we ALL knew that would be my epitaph. Narrator: THE Narrator: END

come on, you would so play 'king's quest horse'! none can resist the promise of adventure games, and also, horse.

God: HEY T-REX DUDE CAN YOU THINK OF ANY SWEET NAMES FOR HORSES T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: YES I CAN. T-Rex: Definitely Gonna Win; Definitely Gonna Place, Anyway; Horseasaurus Rex; Two Chicks In A Horse Suit; Two Sprinters In A Horse Suit; Actually Four Smaller Horses I Just Taped Together; Actually A Giant Dog I Found; Aqua Horse; Future Horse; Back to the Future Horse; Back to the Future Horse 2; Marty McHorse. Utahraptor: Are you coming up with horse names? T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: NORMALLY, they're limited to eighteen characters. So, you'll have to stick with names like Enuf Tequila Horse, Hoof Hearted, Yoshi: The Horse, Horseback Mountain, and Robohorse. T-Rex: But what about Robohorse meets Cyberhorse, Robohorse and the Chamber of Secrets, and King's Quest Horse? Narrator: LATER, T-REX IS FORCED TO APOLOGIZE TO THE HORSES FOR "SADDLING" THEM WITH STUPID NAMES: T-Rex (punchline): sorry horses

i just hope the future demolition crew likes kittens!!

T-Rex: Which bro did not forget about buying Christmas presents for his friends this year?? I'll give you a hint: it's a bro who is saying this sentence right... NOW. T-Rex: That's right, it's me: your awesome friend T-Rex! T-Rex: I bought presents for this year in MARCH, Dromiceiomimus. March TWO YEARS AGO. Do you know how crazy that is? FINALLY, Past Me set it up so that Present Me wins! Dromiceiomimus: Congratulations? I guess? The ability to envision possible futures is one thing that separates us from the animals. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus!! That's RACISMS Utahraptor: So what'd you get me? T-Rex: Oh, don't worry! It's something awesome. T-Rex: And to stop you from finding it, I hid it well within my house: it's INSIDE THE WALLS, dude. I haven't touched it since I put it there, safe and sound, two years ago!! Utahraptor: Haven't you moved since then? T-Rex: AW FRIG ALL MY PRESENTS ARE STUCK IN MY OLD HOUSE God: T-REX IS IT TIME FOR XMAS BREAKS AND ENTERS T-Rex (punchline): Nope! Instead I'll buy new presents and leave those ones there as a gift to whoever demolishes the house!! God: OKAY God: WHEN I TELL THIS STORY I'M GONNA SAY YOU DID XMAS BREAKS AND ENTERS

victorians had a penchant for naked tableau: nude or topless women weren't allowed on stage, but there was a loophole that allowed them to be seen if they remained perfectly motionless. FACT OR FICTION??

T-Rex: Tableau vivant, or "tableau" is a form of theatre in which the actors strike a pose and then don't move! It's like a living picture. It is, in fact, French for "living picture". T-Rex: And I am the king of tableau, my friends! Check it out: T-Rex: ...TABLEAU! Utahraptor: Um, you're not supposed to speak during tableau, T-Rex! T-Rex: Beg pardon? Utahraptor: It's motionless AND silent. Interestingly enough, it was favoured by early art photographers, as they already needed their subjects to stay motionless for minutes at a time. T-Rex: Huh. Interesting. T-Rex: Anyway. I'm still the best at tableau. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX ACTUALLY IS THE BEST AT TABLEAU: T-Rex: TABLEAU! T-Rex: [thinks] I must keep the other actors from discovering my secret to excellent tableau. T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] It's a very competitive business

the price of helium has more than doubled in the past decade, our children's children will pay a high premium to have their voices sound briefly yet hilariously squeaky

T-Rex: You know what the most common element in the universe is? Friggin' hydrogen! T-Rex: But after that, it's totally helium! T-Rex: And this is why helium balloons are so awesome. Not only are they FUN and FLOATY and COME IN A VARIETY OF COLOURS, but we never have to feel bad about them, because helium is the one resource we'll never run out of! Dromiceiomimus: Uh, T-Rex, that's not exactly true! T-Rex: Uh, Dromiceiomimus, I'd be really surprised if we somehow used up the second-most common element in the UNIVERSE. Utahraptor: It may be common across the universe, T-Rex, but it's not common here on Earth! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: Helium's so light that once it's in the atmosphere, it actually ends up escaping into space. We get new helium by mining it out of natural gas reserves, but those are decidedly finite! T-Rex: Man!! Kids with helium balloons were the last thing I could enjoy WITHOUT thinking how finite everything is! T-Rex: You know what's left now? Rocks! The only thing I'm sure we'll never run out of is friggin' ROCKS. T-Rex (punchline): Woooo

i presume this is what two married men sound like when they meet

T-Rex: I feel as if I've spent the past year in some sort of alternate reality! Indeed, if I were to describe my adventures over the past several months, I would describe them as... T-Rex: Non-canon! Narrator: SHORTLY... T-Rex: Today is a beautiful day to be stomping on things, out here in the REAL world! How are you today, Gertie? Dromiceiomimus: Just fine, Manospondylus Gigas! T-Rex: Ha ha! That of course is my name, which is why I am responding to it! I'm fine today, Gertie! Utahraptor: Manospondylus G.! Want to go out and get hammered? T-Rex: Hell yes! Utahraptor: Great. Me and my wife'll meet you at the Nisti Drinker, say, around seven? T-Rex: Great! I too will bring my wife. T-Rex and Utahraptor: We're both married! T-Rex (punchline): Ha ha ha!

shakespeare gets so tired of time travellers telling him not to listen to his mp3s because of all the anachronism he's causing. shakespeare just wants to ROCK!

T-Rex: Anachronism is when you have technology being used before it was invented! It happens whenever Shakespeare listens to his MP3s. Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: Narrator: ANACHRONISM T-Rex: Ah, anachronism! It can also happen by accident, like when an author forgets that people didn't write with ballpoint pens 100 years ago or that elves didn't have friggin' computers. Sometimes if it's a really obvious error it can be played for comedy. T-Rex: It is an advanced literary technique used by only our most handsome authors! Utahraptor: So when someone has a time machine, is that anachronism? T-Rex: Unfortunately, no! T-Rex: Time machines are a special case. If there is a time machine in the story then a lot of anachronism can be explained by the time machine, and is thus NO LONGER ANACHRONISM. Utahraptor: I like that this is the one literary technique that has allowances for time travel. T-Rex: Yeah. It's the best. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! T-Rex (punchline): Shakespeare! Are you listening to your MP3s again?! Off panel: so what if i am

my suggestion would be an obvious time machine but with one equally-obvious (yet inscrutable) part missing. that way we don't even have to invent anything! WE CAN BLUFF. WE CAN BLUFF... THE FUTURE.

T-Rex: The future! It's what happens after we're not around anymore. And we don't know what it's going to be like, so why not hedge our bets? Live as if things are going to be great forever! T-Rex: But plant artifacts as if everything's going to end tomorrow! T-Rex: Because thousands of years after our civilization collapses, survivors might take refuge in a cave and begin exploring. And there, seemingly abandoned, they find something we left behind! Something AMAZING. Something that'll make them wonder and fear the power of the ancients! Dromiceiomimus: What is it? T-Rex: That's exactly what we get to decide! Utahraptor: It'd have to withstand years of neglect! T-Rex: Yes! And not give up its mysteries easily, either! Utahraptor: Yeah, we want something to suggest power, grandeur, and nobility - even if it's a nobility we never quite reached. Something to tell everyone that right here, but in another time, we - all of us - were great. T-Rex: Oh my god, YES. Let's do it! Let's make sure the future remembers us as ASTOUNDING. Narrator: LATER: T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR JUST BURY FAKE STONE SKELETONS IN THE GROUND T-Rex (punchline): I always thought our skeletons looked pretty neat

chocolate chip cookie dough crunch!? what are you doing here? and what happened to all my OPINIONS

Narrator: THE WALK OF SHAME T-Rex: The Walk of Shame is when you're coming home in the same clothes you partied in last night. You spent the night somewhere else, maybe you had sexy times, and therefore you're to be ashamed! T-Rex: That, my friends, is BALONEY SANDWICHES! T-Rex: They should call it the "Walk of Oh Look, My Night Didn't End at Ten Thirty" or maybe the "Walk of I Am In Full Possession Of My Sexual Identity" or maybe even the "Walk of Stop Assuming I Had Sex, Maybe We Talked And Then Had Ice Cream; Ice Cream Is Awesome Too and Don't Lie, You Want Some Right Now." T-Rex: Speaking of which! Dromiceiomimus, would you like to go get some ice cream? Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: That was extremely delicious ice cream! T-Rex: Yeah, I'm glad you could join us! T-Rex: What was I talking about...? Oh yeah, the "walk of shame" - it's a stupid term and they should call it the "Walk of I'm Still Hungry for Ice Cream; Let's Go Get More Ice Cream." Utahraptor: ...Okay Narrator: MUCH LATER: T-Rex: Attention, everybody!! T-Rex (punchline): I, um, find it difficult to have opinions around ice cream.