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what's up, utahraptor? hey, me and my awesome mouth are just hangin' out, you wanna come over?

T-Rex: I'm pretty sure I could be an amazing dentist, you guys! T-Rex: In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm ALREADY an amazing dentist, you guys! T-Rex: I've got good teeth and it occurs to me that I'M the one who brushes my teeth every day and night. I'm TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE for all the day-to-day oral hygiene that goes on in my awesome mouth! T-Rex: My dentist is more of a - supervisor, you know? I check in with him once a year and he gives me some pointers. Then, I pay him for the pointers. Utahraptor: The only reason you can do some of it yourself is that there's a whole dentistry infrastructure supporting you, my friend! Utahraptor: You buy toothbrushes and toothpaste pre-made, each with thousands of hours of engineering and design put into them and all with the goal of ensuring oral hygiene even when in the hands of an amateur. You're not a dentist, man! You're just some dude who has learnt to press "play" on the VCR of modern dentistry. Off panel: ... Off panel: Analogously. T-Rex (punchline): OHHHHHHHHHH

it is third place, TOPS.

T-Rex: Remember how the Titanic sank, and one of the issues with that was not enough lifeboats? After the disaster they tried to prevent THAT from ever happening again! T-Rex: So they made a law that ships had to carry a full set of lifeboats! T-Rex: Except this wasn't a great solution on some ships: the SS Eastland in particular was already a pretty top-heavy ship, and the new lifeboats kinda made the problem critical. And on the 24th of July 1915, when the Eastland was docked and taking on passengers - all Western Electric employees on their way to a company picnic - she rolled over and sank! Utahraptor: What happened? T-Rex: A canoe race passed by the ship! T-Rex: People crowded to one side to see it, and that was it. The boat rolled and sank in 20 feet of water, 20 feet from the wharf. The new lifeboats had made her impossibly top-heavy, unstable AND unseaworthy! Utahraptor: Wow. That's textbook irony, huh? T-Rex: Yep! The moral of the story is, "sometimes no matter how much we prepare, boats will sink and that is terrible." T-Rex: It's - T-Rex (punchline): It's probably not the cheeriest moral I have ever encountered

alternate ending: "omg, it's the lol of our time"

T-Rex: It occurs to me that my proposal that everyone be super hot in fiction is a bit shallow. T-Rex: They should all be super geniuses too! T-Rex: That way we get to read about babes with brains, AND their problems would all get solved way easier. Oh no, aliens are attacking the planet! Luckily, our brightest and hottest have already invented a way to save everyone. Hooray! Hot Earth is saved!! Dromiceiomimus: But there's no conflict if everything is solved right away by flexing brainiacs in swimsuits. T-Rex: Perhaps! But what if I said... THE ALIENS GOT HOT TOO?? Utahraptor: Whoah! T-Rex: I know, right? Now we've got TWO planetsworth of flawlessly sexy cheese AND/OR beefcake fighting extremely intelligently for SURVIVAL ITSELF. Tell me that's not a bestseller right there. Utahraptor: Honestly, smartness aside, this just sounds like a movie. Everyone's hot in movies, but not every movie is hot. T-Rex: OMG T-Rex (punchline): It's the paradox of our time

obviously in the parallel universe he didn't forget to shower

T-Rex: Shoot! I forgot to have a shower this morning. T-Rex: That's funny, because I smell fine! Dromiceiomimus: That's funny, because you never seem showered whenever I see you. T-Rex: That's funny, because I don't seem to recall soliciting comments! Utahraptor: That's funny, because you always voice every single thought in your head! T-Rex: That's funny, because at least I have thoughts! Utahraptor: Well that's funny, because no you don't! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE... T-Rex: Sure! I'd love to come to your dinner party! T-Rex (punchline): Why yes, I am freshly showered!

ladders may be considered to be a special and perhaps degenerate case of stairs

God: LET'S LEARN ABOUT STAIRS T-Rex: Let's not! God: IT'S HAPPENING DUDE T-Rex: Noooo God: WHILE MOST OF US HAVE AN INTUITIVE UNDERSTANDING OF STAIRS THIS SURFACE SIMPLICITY MASKS A WEALTH OF COMPLICATED AND INTERESTING STAIR FACTS T-Rex: Noooooo God: THE PITCH LINE OF A STAIR IS A FACTOR OF ITS RUN AND RISE T-Rex: No you're pushing better facts out of my brain! God: THE AREA UNDER A STAIR IS KNOWN AS A SPANDREL Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, what'd Alfred do before he was Batman's butler? T-Rex: I - I don't know! T-Rex: All I know is stair junk now!! Utahraptor: Oh. Well, that's more applicable in real life than fictional butlers, so - good job! T-Rex: Utahraptor no! This isn't the person I want to be!! Floating Batman head: Pre-Crisis Alfred worked as an intelligence agent, and interestingly enough, the bullnose is the first step of a flight of stairs: it may be wider than other steps and rounded to support handrail end elements, called "volutes" T-Rex (punchline): Nooooooooooo

we used to have frogs in a pond in our back yard when i was growing up, but my dog and climate change ate them all.

Narrator: CLIMATE CHANGE COMICS T-Rex: CLIMATE CHANGE, huh? T-Rex: There certainly is a lot of climate that's CHANGING, right? Right?! Can I get a witness? T-Rex: Or MAYBE, climate isn't changing at all. Or maybe it is, but who cares because it's all someone else's fault! T-Rex: or maybe the climate is supposed to change because we all got new swimmin' trunks Utahraptor: That is without exaggeration, T-Rex, the weakest comment on climate change that I have ever heard, or am ever likely to hear! Utahraptor: You've distilled an important issue down to "something might be happening I dunno, maybe??" Also, you don't even mention human influence on the climate, which is a serious concern! T-Rex: Serious concern? I just stepped on a tiny woman, so her only influence on the climate is that now she's dead. T-Rex: In the climate. T-Rex: Right now she's probably saying "OH MAN WHAT A CHANGE FOR ME! A CLIMATE CHANGE, THAT IS!!" T-Rex (punchline): Hey, remember when there were frogs?

OH SNAP, looks like you can't say "dinosaur comics is good, but it's not shakespeare" ANYMORE

Narrator: CLASSICS OF WESTERN LITERATURE COMICS Narrator: now performed by DINOSAURS T-Rex: To be or not to be... T-Rex: That is THE question! T-Rex: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... Dromiceiomimus: ...or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and, by opposing, end them? T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: To die, to sleep - no more! T-Rex: And by "a sleep" we say we end the heartache - Utahraptor: - AND the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to! Utahraptor: 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. T-Rex (punchline): To die, to sleep, to sleep, perchance to dream... Ay, there's the rub, for in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil? Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: Off panel: EXCUSE ME Off panel: monologues are usually performed by one person, T-REX

t-rex has somehow come to believe that 'tenet' is a five-letter word that basically insults your entire world-view, goes on to insult that of your parents, and finally settles on suggesting that you have troubles in life because you don't try hard enough.

T-Rex: Learning a language is hard! It is especially hard with your first language, when you're a baby who has to figure out an entire grammar and vocabulary just from what people say to you. T-Rex: It's not just hard: in fact, it may well be impossible! T-Rex: It turns out that natural languages are so complex that we probably can't figure out all their rules just from hearing words spoken around us, but we CAN approximate these rules and get very close. So the result is we (as learners) end up speaking a language we're able to communicate with, but which is slightly different than those that surround us! Utahraptor: How slight a difference are we talking about here? T-Rex: That depends on the learner, I guess! T-Rex: Rules that are used everyday are going to be more fixed, because there's more of a chance somebody will correct you. But less-frequent parts will be more malleable, which explains why languages evolve so quickly! Utahraptor: Because a language is never passed down, just an approximation of a language. T-Rex: Yep! Of course this has changed a little with the advent of grammar books and formal schooling, but it's still there. For example, I might think the word 'tenet' is enraging! Off panel: Really? You think 'tenet' is- T-Rex (punchline): Screw you!!

he's really getting into it!

Narrator: A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR explained T-Rex: Many jokes begin with this line. It is called the "set-up", and is analogous to establishing-shots in films or first paragraphs in essays. T-Rex: It alerts the audience that what follows is likely to be a short story with a humourous climax! T-Rex: What is the attraction to this structure of humour? Why are there so many jokes about men walking into bars? T-Rex: Part of the attraction to this structure may be its possibilities: most anything can happen in a bar, especially if this bar is contained within the wild and woolly world of the verbal jest. Utahraptor: What about the joke, "A man walks into a bar... ouch!"? T-Rex: Good question! T-Rex: The joke assumes some sophistication on the part of the audience, an expectation gleamed from previous jokes that the bar is a drinking establishment. Utahraptor: Go on! T-Rex: The "ouch" is startling. How could entering a bar hurt? It forces us to now re-evaluate our most basic assumptions. T-Rex: We must ask ourselves, "What if the bar was an bar proper, and by walking into it the man actually, physically, walked into it?" T-Rex (punchline): It is this confusion on the part of the listener that is responsible for the humour!

I AM 86% CERTAIN I MEANT TO SAY "HOURS"

[T-Rex's daydream] T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, we're going to do something really nice for Utahraptor. It'll bring you and I closer together because we'll have a project, and it'll make him like us more too! And I've got the GREATEST PRESENT IDEA EVER IN TIME. [T-Rex's daydream] Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: There! Utahraptor's SOLID GOLD CAR is complete! [T-Rex's daydream] T-Rex: And even though it's made of solid gold, the engine still works! That's possible, right? Dromiceiomimus: I think it might be impossible actually; gold's really soft, right? And a combustion engine is a series of explosions. T-Rex: But it's still metal, maybe if we had enough of gold it would be strong enough... Dromiceiomimus: ...Does it work that way? T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] Utahraptor: Hi T-Rex! What's up? T-Rex: Utahraptor, does it count if a dude has REALLY GOOD INTENTIONS? T-Rex: But then he never follows through, because things are confusing? Utahraptor: A little, I guess! If we're ranking dudes, dude with good intentions IS higher than dude without any intentions. T-Rex: Sweet large! Utahraptor: Right. But they're both beneath dude with even unintentional followthrough. God: T-REX ASK HIM WHERE THE DUDE WHO CAN HAVE THREE PANELS OF FANTASY IN THE SPACE OF A SINGLE SENTENCE RATES T-Rex (punchline): What's a "panel"? God: LISTEN God: I DON'T KNOW AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU

I BLAME HIM FOR THIS PATENTLY RIDICULOUS SITUATION

T-Rex: Guys! I have some bad news! T-Rex: I don't think I'm cut out to be a law-abiding member of society!! T-Rex: When I see illegal billboards my instinct is not to call the city and register a complaint - my instinct is to tear it down! And when I see a jerk sitting in a parked car at night, projecting an ad on the side of a building, I don't want to call the police and report a citizen acting against the best interests of EVERY OTHER CITIZEN with the exception of himself. I want to disable his projector! And by "disable" I mean "fully destroy"? Utahraptor: So apparently you want to be a vigilante, but just about illegal advertising! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: It's a small enough issue that I can understand it fully, AND it's a problem I can solve at night with my fists. I can't solve global warming at night with my fists, Utahraptor. T-Rex: Don't even say it. I can't! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: ATTENTION, ANYONE WHO HAS A LARGE CARBON FOOTPRINT! DO YOU WANT TO BE PUNCHED? Off panel: not really!! T-Rex (punchline): SEE THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I TRIED TO TELL MY FRIEND UTAHRAPTOR

in morse code, he was saying "t" "i"

T-Rex: While riding my bike yesterday and making a TOTALLY LEGAL move from the side of the road into traffic so that I could make a left-hand turn, this car dude honked at me! T-Rex: So I flipped him off. It was BICYCLE ROAD RAGE! T-Rex: It was insane. I never get road rage, bicycle or otherwise, and I never flip anyone off! But here I was being all that I hate! I flipped him off without even looking behind, and THEN, after I flipped him off he honked at me again, two little ones, and I flipped him off again, two little ones. Then I turned left and got away! Dromiceiomimus: Are you sure he was honking at you? T-Rex: I am certain of it! Utahraptor: But how are you sure he meant anything aggressive by it? T-Rex: What else could he have meant? Utahraptor: Well most cars have one horn that only makes one tone, right? So the only paths for sentiment encoding are honk duration and count. Maybe one honk from that guy means "Hey sexy!!" and two short honks means "Wait a minute! You're not so sexy!!" T-Rex: Huh! Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER, T-REX GETS HONKED AT AGAIN: T-Rex: Excuse me, everyone? You saw what just happened! What do you think that driver meant to convey? Off panel: That you're a very handsome, clever and successful young man! T-Rex (punchline): MOM, I was asking the OTHER pedestrians

ideally, with MY picture already on them.

T-Rex: We think time travel might not be possible - RIGHT NOW, ANYWAY - because we don't see any tourists from the future! T-Rex: But man, what makes us so interesting? T-Rex: I propose that it's more reasonable to find events from HISTORY that are objectively interesting, and look for time travellers there! Dromiceiomimus: Only we can't visit these events without being time travellers ourselves. T-Rex: But we can do the next best thing: look for historical events that WOULD'VE been interesting, if only they'd gone slightly differently! Utahraptor: You're looking for examples of historical meddling BY time travellers! T-Rex: Dude, I'VE ALREADY FOUND ONE. T-Rex: January 30, 1835: dude pulls a gun on then-president Jackson and shoots him at point-blank range, but his gun misfires. So dude pulls out his BACKUP gun, and that one misfires TOO. It's incredibly unlikely! Utahraptor: So some future dude went back to a SUCCESSFUL assassination and messed with the guns? T-Rex: Precisely!! Unfortunately, my theory can only be proven true when this time traveller dude brags about it. So time traveller dudes, please feel free to come back in time and brag to me! T-Rex (punchline): I ask ONLY for futurebux

LATER: aliens discover midas's body and use him as a highly unstable source of gold, keeping him in vacuum suspension with magnetic fields. but their ship soon suffers a power failure, midas hits the floor, and the ship is transmuted. the ship drifts until drawn in by the gravitational field of a backwater planet, where it crashes and causes the planet to suffer the same fate as Earth. we join our story centuries later as our heroes, bounty hunters seeking the near-mythic Midas Flesh, successfully break quarantine and get past the defences erected around the planet. they are the first to land on the Second Golden Planet.

I turned this comic into another comic!

Narrator: THE MYTH OF KING MIDAS T-Rex: Midas was a king who was nice to a friend of the God of Wine, and so he gets a wish from the God of Wine! NICE! And so Midas wishes that everything he touched would turn to gold. T-Rex: Instantly the ground he's standing on transforms into gold! T-Rex: The gold change races across the planet's surface and down into the mantle like a shockwave, transmuting it instantly. In seconds, the Earth's iron-nickel core becomes pure non-ferrous gold, and the planet's magnetic field is lost. Unshielded from solar wind, every living creature begins to absorb desperately fatal levels of radiation. The soft gold of the planetary crust is unable to sustain the weight placed upon it, and begins to buckle and distort. T-Rex: Midas watches in horror as his planet dies a golden death! Utahraptor: But not for long! Utahraptor: He's soon overcome by the terrible sensation of drowning on dry land: any air that touches his lungs is being transmuted on contact into tiny flecks of gold. He suffocates and dies as his lungs fill with the formerly precious metal. Off panel: Air that touches his cooling body continues to transmute, and he's soon covered in a fine golden layer of ash. T-Rex (punchline): The moral is not to make wishes like that, King Midas!!

NEW BUSINESS CARD SLOGAN??

T-Rex: I propose a new law: that folks cannot be held responsible for what they do while they're sleeping! T-Rex: Motion: PASSED! T-Rex: Now when I'm asleep and I burp in a hilarious way, I'm not to be made to feel bad about it! When I wake up, we can ALL share a laugh together, okay?? And the same goes if I pass gas or pick my nose or whatever. TOTALLY HILARIOUS, and also TOTALLY NOT MY FAULT. Utahraptor: People claim to have been sexually assaulted by people who were sleeping. T-Rex: ... T-Rex: ...Really? That's how we're playing this? I'm proposing a fanciful law to get out of GAS EMBARRASSMENT, and you're Mister Hey Guys, Hey Guys, I'm Gonna Bring Up Serious Incidents of Possible Sexual Assault. Utahraptor: Lawmakers have to consider the full impact of their laws! T-Rex: I'M NOT A LAWMAKER! T-Rex (punchline): I'm a GUY with OPINIONS who I guess FARTS while he SLEEPS

DID YOU KNOW: it is likely that most people operating on the world stage have touched with romantic intent a butt not their own

T-Rex: Leonardo da Vinci! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart! William Shakespeare! These are all people we now consider to be GREAT. And get used to them, everyone, because we are the last generation where great people are possible! T-Rex: The only reason we call these people "great" is because we forgot their flaws! T-Rex: But ours is a generation buried under the bloat of ubiquitous surveillance. Future biographies will read "Zygor was the great man who led Earth to victory against the Saturnians. NSA records show he was big into cats who wondered if they "can has a cheeseburger", which was old meme even back in 2025. His porn consumption usually happened between the hours of 1 and 2 am. He most often searched for "boobz 4 doodz". T-Rex: Greatness requires blindness, and we know WAY too much about everybody now! Utahraptor: COUNTERPOINT! Utahraptor: Everyone still thinks Mozart was a great man EVEN THOUGH we now know he was big into scatology! T-Rex: MAYBE he appreciated a nice behind, but that doesn't - Utahraptor: Dude wrote a song called "Lick Me In The Arse" and wrote "shit in your bed and make it burst [for me]" to his COUSIN. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Leonardo da Vinci! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart! William Shakespeare! These are all people we now consider to be GREATLY INTO BUTTS. And there's no shame in that! T-Rex (punchline): History is FULL of choice, unlicked rumps!!

my roommate says that the 1970s was the REAL age of consent! can you believe it?

T-Rex: I find age of consent laws pretty interesting because, for something so basic, they sure vary a lot from place to place! Again, they're something for which there is no consensus. Is that a pun? Consensus? That wasn't meant to be a pun. T-Rex: ANYWAY! T-Rex: Most people agree that a 26-year-old should be able to consent to sex, while a child should be protected from sexual predators, but where we legally draw that line is contentious! Some places allow 12-year-olds to consent to sex, while others believe that even people in their early twenties are unable to give knowledgeable consent to the INTERCOURSE. Utahraptor: This is a pretty dangerous topic, isn't it? T-Rex: Dangerous how? Utahraptor: Well, isn't this one of those topics that you'd talk about with friends in private, but not while out in a public place? You don't want people to think you're a PEDOPHILE. T-Rex: What? I haven't mentioned anything that would make people say that! I'm talking about legal ages of consent! T-Rex: Though... why would I be talking about this if I wasn't a pedophile? Ah, yes. T-Rex (punchline): Well played, my friend! Well played!

respond by beaming my brain into my enemy's body and their brain into my body, someone else can deal with my body's whole "scene"

God: T-REX HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR GENERATION T-Rex: Born too late for tall ships, but too soon for star ships! God: WOW God: OUCH T-Rex: I know it, dude! God: THERE'S GOT TO BE A LESS DEPRESSING WAY TO DESCRIBE YOURSELVES T-Rex: Born too soon to have our consciousness survive indefinitely in a robot body, but born just late enough that we can all TOTALLY see the option coming? T-Rex: Yaaaaay mortality?? Utahraptor: Born too late for naming mountains, but just right for naming planets! T-Rex: NICE. T-Rex: Yet I can't help but notice we were born too late for chamberpots, but too soon to just have it beamed out of our bodies. Into a giant pile. That we then beam onto our enemies' heads. Utahraptor: But then our enemies would retaliate in kind! T-Rex: Oh man! GROSS! T-Rex: I guess we'd have to declare a truce, and then we're back where we started. Off panel: Until they figure out inside body to inside body poop beaming. T-Rex: EWWWWWWWWWW!! T-Rex (punchline): Frig, let's just die now and get it over with, am I right?

oh hey, Uncanny Valley Personified! i see you're making mannequins in your own image. nice! the overly prominent nipples you've added onto both sexes of mannequin body are an indescribably unsettling touch.

T-Rex: I've never worked retail! How bad could it be? Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: THIS JOB IS KILLING ME AND I CAN FEEL IT Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: It's terrible, Dromiceiomimus! Every customer is either rude or bland and my coworkers are all spiritually beaten down and when I look at them I know that soon I will be spiritually broken too! And the worst part, the WORST part is that weekends suck because I know work starts up again on Monday! I hate Mondays now!! T-Rex: I HAVE BECOME GARFIELD Utahraptor: Aw, come on, it's not that bad! T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex: It totally is!! T-Rex: And it's boring, too! It's so boring it literally steals my life force. I'm not even misusing "literally" there. I have a life force and it's precious and then I go in and then when I come out I have less of it. Hot crackers. You know what I do to pass the time? Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: I stare at the MANNEQUINS. Narrator: AT THE STORE: T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] It's always a cold day in mannequin land, I guess

have i got a movie for you! ZOMBIE JURASSIC PARK. zombie velociraptors surrounding people in the dark, half-eaten zombie humans bursting out of zombie t-rex stomachs, an undead army of both humans and dinosaurs, lit from behind, moaning their way towards the camera.

T-Rex: Today is the day. Yes! T-Rex: Today is the day I lose my fear of ZOMBIES. Narrator: T-REX AND THE LIVING DEAD T-Rex: The way I see it, zombies are either avoidable or too effective. The only way to become a zombie is to be bitten by one, but not to get eaten, yes? Then the bite kills you and you come back as a zombie. But zombies WANT to eat you! It's only the sucky ones that bite you and don't finish the job. So if the first zombie was REALLY GOOD, the infection wouldn't spread, because he'd cold eat all his victims! And if he was sucky you could just avoid him, on account of his suckiness. T-Rex: PROBLEM: SOLVED. Utahraptor: You're coming from a medical perspective, right? Utahraptor: The idea is that there's not too many diseases that can spread easily AND kill you overnight, because they're too effective: the infection wouldn't spread, and the disease dies. T-Rex: Yes! Zombies are too effective to be contagious. That's why they can't exist in real life! Narrator: LATER: FAST-MOVING PULMONARY ANTHRAX ZOMBIES T-Rex (punchline): I take it back I take it back!!

actually the story goes on for a bit: king's wife is jealous and wants the babies killed and made into meals, but the king finds out and so instead burns the queen alive, AND THEY ALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. PS: LUCKY PEOPLE ARE LUCKY EVEN WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING, I HOPE YOU GOT THAT FROM THIS STORY

T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a woman called Sleeping Beauty! Her parents named her after a specific state that she was only in sometimes. It was weird. Narrator: SLEEPING BEAUTY: Narrator: the 17th century version T-Rex: Sleepytimes gets her Machine of Death reading and it says she'll be done in by flax! T-Rex: Dad tries to keep her from flax, but years later, wouldn't you know it, she messes with some flax and gets a splinter and collapses. And Dad doesn't want to bury her so instead he abandons his house with her in it! Only, she's not dead: she's SLEEPING. Like in her name? T-Rex: This doesn't occur to anyone though. T-Rex: I dunno why, it's kinda obvious Utahraptor: And then a king stops by the house and finds her there unconscious! T-Rex: INDEED. Utahraptor: And then he sexually assaults her, and then she gives birth to twins. T-Rex: This story is moronic. Utahraptor: And the twins suck the splinter out and she wakes up and... falls in love with her attacker? T-Rex: Somehow it got even more moronic! Off panel: The moral of the story is then explicitly stated to be "LUCKY PEOPLE ARE LUCKY, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING!" T-Rex: Holy crap, we're now at HITHERTO-UNCHARTED levels of moronic! T-Rex (punchline): I can't believe we're all descended from 17th century people; how embarrassing!

A scientist runs up, explaining that joy cannot be converted into a gas! But then she remembers that it can. She's so overjoyed at this that gas starts flying everywhere

T-Rex: Here are some things that are joyous! T-Rex: Puppies! And little birds with tiny ADORABLE wings! T-Rex: And then throw in a happy little girl with a bow in her hair to play with the puppies and the birds. Ooh! And give her a bright blue balloon that's printed with the words, "Congratulations everyone, on curing all diseases!" Dromiceiomimus: And another one that says "We all get to live forever now!" T-Rex: And her THIRD balloon says "Also we replaced hate... with SNUGGLES." Utahraptor: And the balloons are filled with pure joy! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex (punchline): Joy has been distilled into a useful gaseous resource! And everyone's so happy that it's basically infinite. We all keep being joyous, and our balloons keep getting more full. When they pop, it's not with a bang, but rather with the intimate sound of a lover's sigh at the end of a rousing session of SEXUAL CONGRESS!! Narrator: WARNING: THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE

the last panel would make a good email signature line

T-Rex: I fear that I've lost something... something important! T-Rex: Something I'll never get back again! T-Rex: Something that was very special! Something that I guess part of me thought I'd always have with me! T-Rex: Something that I'd tried to hold on to, but lost nonetheless! T-Rex: Something- Utahraptor: Knock it off! It's obvious to everyone you're talking about your VIRGINITY. T-Rex: What? I was talking about a baby tooth. T-Rex (punchline): Alright, I was talking about my virginity!

truly, who among us would not at least flip through a book titled "Spider-Man Was Being Gross And Rude!"

T-Rex: Spider-Man was still eating nasty cake. "I am a character owned by another corporation, and you are not a valid licensee" he spat out, along with the cake, which he was already spitting out. It was gross and rude! T-Rex: Spider-Man was being gross and rude! T-Rex: Then Spider-Man "webbed" his way out of the room, leaving behind the remains of the cake and webbing, stuck to the ceiling, walls, floors and furniture. "Who's going to clean up THIS fine mess?" asked a member of the custodial staff, and then he said "Hah hah, no, it's me; I know it's me." He liked his job: the satisfaction of seeing progress being made in a task was something that pleased him greatly. T-Rex: Later that evening, he happily went home to his wife and children! Utahraptor: This doesn't seem to be going anywhere, T-Rex! T-Rex: What are you talking about? It started as SUPERHERO CULINARY, and now it's HAPPY CUSTODIAN FAMILY HOUR. Those are the two biggest genres this summer! Utahraptor: ...Who told you that? T-Rex: Um, a little thing called TRENDS FORECASTING?? T-Rex: Haha, no, it was a little thing called "write what you know" and ALL I KNOW is endless trains of thought that involve superheroes. T-Rex: Oh! T-Rex (punchline): And foodstuffs!!

i spent quite some time deciding between "TOOT TOOT" and "TOOT TOOTS AHOY" as the final line of this comic. this is my JOB.

T-Rex: It's Christmas Eve Eve and I've gotten everybody like zero presents. T-Rex: And there's no sign of Christmas being cancelled either! Dromiceiomimus: You were HOPING for Christmas cancellation? T-Rex: Man, it happens all the time in cartoons!! Santa gets a cough and then OH NO, Christmas is cancelled AGAIN! Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, but some kids always team up and save Christmas! You really need to finish watching the holiday specials you start, T-Rex. T-Rex: Yeah, people say that Utahraptor: Does "like zero presents" include me? T-Rex: No, I got you something! My... affection? T-Rex: I have commoditized our relationship and now present it to you as if it's a gift. Merry Christmas! We're friends at my discretion. Utahraptor: ...I got you a Batman train. T-Rex: What?! T-Rex: I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY MADE BATMAN TRAINS Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR I FEEL BAD ABOUT MY CRAPPY GIFT BUT I'M STILL REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS BATMAN TRAIN T-Rex: MAY I BE THE FIRST TO SAY: T-Rex (punchline): "TOOT TOOT"

HEY FUTURE T-REX, IT'S ME, EVEN MORE FUTURE T-REX WHO WAS SENT TO THE PAST! LISTEN, NOBODY HERE IS INTO COLD CHICKS

Narrator: FUN FACTS ABOUT... ARISTOTLE! T-Rex: Aristotle is one of the biggest figures in Western philosophy! Dude basically invented it. Fun! T-Rex: He also thought the Earth was the literal center of the Universe! Fun! T-Rex: But we can't fault him for that, because he also came up with an objective and clearly defined method of accumulating and verifying knowledge whose descendant - the scientific method! - we're still using today. He also thought that women were a lower form of life, because he found them to be... um, physically colder? T-Rex: F-Fun! Utahraptor: He also expressed many of the fundamental laws of logic for the very first time! T-Rex: Fun! Utahraptor: And coming back to women, he argued they weren't fully human, AND he believed that slavery was natural. Fun! T-Rex: Oh, history. Aren't there ANY figures from 2000 years ago that share all our current modern-day beliefs? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): ...BESIDES the version of me that was sent back in time and left snarky-ass notes carved into rocks, which, when assembled properly, read "FUTURE" "ME" "I'M" "TRAPPED" "IN" "THE" "PAST" "SO" "YOU" "CAN" "JUST" "SUCK" "AN" "EGG"??

next up on Sayings To Disprove: "Takes One To Know One" (easily disproved on account of how you know what a poo-eater is, and my friend that's gross, that's NASS to the T to the OMG.)

T-Rex: "There's no such thing as a free lunch!" T-Rex: FALSE. T-Rex: I have been to one, and don't freak out, but it was delicious AND free. Dromiceiomimus: When economists say that, what they mean is you can't get something for nothing. That free lunch was offered by someone with an agenda, yes? T-Rex: They wanted me to buy timeshares but didn't realize *I* cared only for lunch and the placing of lunch inside me!! T-Rex: But there's still free lunches: Agent X buys lunch, eats it, and is satisfied! Utahraptor: But she's paid for that! T-Rex: SURE, but AFTER she's satisfied, she throws out the leftovers and then LATER, I eat them from the garbage. OH SNAP: A FREE LUNCH, and the only effect on the universe is a sanitation worker has slightly less work to do. I literally make their lives easier, AND I make the food system as a whole more efficient. T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex (punchline): I'm pretty much history's greatest dinosaur

so hey stories where someone gets a transplant and then starts acting like the donor are almost as infuriating as stories in which someone is cloned and then has all the memories of the original person. THERE IS A LOT OF FURY TO GO AROUND HERE IS WHAT I'M SAYING

T-Rex: I know that getting a transplant is serious business, and that it can be a traumatic event. T-Rex: But it's also kind of awesome! T-Rex: If you've got a transplant, it's like you've leveled up! AS A PERSON. The rest of us are stuck with the genes we were born with, but you've got SELECTION. You're made out of the best parts of other people! Dromiceiomimus: It's one way of looking at it! T-Rex: It's the BEST way of looking at it! Plus, anyone who's had a limb or organ transplant is way more mysterious. Utahraptor: How do you figure? T-Rex: Listen. I can tell you what my left hand has been up to for most of my life. T-Rex: But if I had a transplant, I'd have no idea. There'd be a part of my body with a WHOLE DIFFERENT HISTORY than the rest of me: how is that not awesome? Utahraptor: I imagine it'd raise some issues of identity and self... T-Rex: I imagine it'd raise some issues of WHAT AWESOME THINGS MY HAND HAS BEEN UP TO! T-Rex: Oh man!! Imagine if my LIVER came from an axe murderer? MINE WOULD BE THE LIVER THAT'S DANGEROUS TO KNOW, and my philosophy would be "If you're not interesting, at least have parts of you that are!" T-Rex (punchline): ...Hey, do you want to swap feet sometime?

most valuable life: whoever first domesticated the dog. dogs are awesome, and it's SO GREAT that they want to be our pals now!

T-Rex: So, um, I spent a few days putting a price on LIFE ITSELF, and now I've got a dollar figure for my own life! T-Rex: Kinda depressing, you guys! Dromiceiomimus: Well, you can bolster it some, right? Like, you could add on the price your organs would fetch on a black market. That'd raise it a bit! T-Rex: THAT JUST MAKES IT MORE DEPRESSING! I don't want to be commodified, Dromiceiomimus. When people said "You can't put a price on life", they didn't mean it was an impossibility - they meant it in the permissive sense! They were trying to give me GOOD ADVICE. Utahraptor: Not a fan of your entire life reduced to a single number? Then don't do it! T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: These prices are estimates anyway, dependent on so many assumptions. Even if someone's dead, you can't say for sure how much they're worth! How much was Newton worth? Or Shakespeare? Or some dude who fathered Shakespeare's great-great grandmother? Or some OTHER dude who was there, encouraging him to do it? T-Rex (punchline): ...Weird.

The shambling remains of Captain Hero advance toward Trish as she stumbles backwards, her eyes still closed. /YOU BELONG WITH ME/, he shrieks.

T-Rex: An ancient evil, known only as The Eternal Flame, has awoken. The best our mortal minds can comprehend it is as a giant undead burning mass of eyes and flesh. When it looks into your eyes, it - changes you. Turns you into something... like it. T-Rex: "Close your eyes!" shouts Captain Hero, as he and his assistant enter the creature's realm! T-Rex: Miss Trish covers her face as Captain Hero dons his latest invention: refracting anti-evil goggles. He alone can gaze upon the horror safely. If they can just get close enough, the two of them can banish it once more. "Give me your hand, darling," he says confidently, leading Trish forward. Suddenly, the monster spins and, in one strike, smashes the Captain's goggles and slices his chest wide open. But instead of dying, he... he starts to change. Utahraptor: Already he can feel darkness overtaking his mind, consuming him. T-Rex: He tries to tell her to run, but he can't! T-Rex: What's left of Captain Hero forces Trish's hand into his gaping, bloody chest, touching his now-motionless heart. "Do you feel my heart beating??" he gasps. Trish cries, shaking her head no. "DO YOU UNDERSTAND??" he shouts, his eyes pleading with her to run. Utahraptor: There's not much time left before he turns completely. God: T-REX YOU'VE PLAGIARIZED 100% OF YOUR DIALOGUE FROM THE BANGLES AND THEIR #1 MEGAHIT LOVE BALLAD "ETERNAL FLAME" T-Rex: Plagiarized is a super weird way to pronounce "liberated", dude!! T-Rex: Huh T-Rex (punchline): Must be your weird accent

it is probably the hardest to defend against.

T-Rex: Someone who doesn't vote is CLEARLY super chumpy. But, ON THE OTHER HAND, someone totally uninformed who votes anyway is ultra chumps too! T-Rex: An interesting conundrum! T-Rex: So let's take it to extremes: if voters were SO UNINFORMED that they were effectively voting randomly, then their noise would drown out the signal of informed voters. So that's bad! Dromiceiomimus: Agreed! But on the other hand, perfect knowledge of every candidate's position on every issue isn't possible. So there will always be UNDERinformed voters - it's just a matter of degree! T-Rex: Agreed! T-Rex: So let's just multiply everyone's vote by their informedness! Utahraptor: Making a less informed vote worth less? T-Rex: Exactly! That way the "goodness" of a voter will directly impact how much their vote is worth! Utahraptor: Wow. T-Rex, your system only works if we can objectively measure informedness, which isn't going to happen. Plus, replace "goodness" with "ethnicity" in your phrase and you're a super crazy racist! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Dear audio memoirs! Today I was racist by word substitution again. T-Rex: This - T-Rex (punchline): This is the hardest racism not to be.

t-rex the more i think about this plan the less successful i think you're going to be

T-Rex: Sadism is when you get pleasure inflicting pain on or humiliating someone else! It's a sex thing!! T-Rex: And it's named after the Marquis de Sade! T-Rex: This is AMAZING. We've been around for thousands of years but some guy comes along and HEY PRESTO: we've got a name for a sex thing that didn't exist before! He's been dead for generations and we're STILL talking about it. T-Rex: Wow! He must really have been something in the bedroom, huh? T-Rex: I'd love to have a sex thing named after me! Utahraptor: Then don't just talk about it! DO IT. T-Rex: Man, folks have been doing the sex to each other since FOREVER, and I'm supposed to come up with something new? Utahraptor: Not necessarily! Your marquis didn't invent sadism, he just was SO into it that it became eponymous. Just pick a sex thing and talk it up 24/7! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Ladies! You can call me the Cloacademic! Care to join my... cloacademy? Off panel: The cloaca is our shared digestive, urinary, and reproductive tract! T-Rex (punchline): Obviously! That's the first thing you learn in cloacademia!!

saying that is like unwrapping the paper on the present that is old age

Narrator: T-REX AS AN OLD MAN COMICS T-Rex: Guys, I'm still the same T-Rex I always was! T-Rex: I'm even pretty well preserved: check it out, Dromiceiomimus! Barely any wrinkles! Dromiceiomimus: That's nice, T-Rex. T-Rex: Also I've still got my trademark "nice calves" and "young smile". T-Rex: I'm so old! AND YET, I'm so sexy! Utahraptor: Hey, you know what's rad? Old dudes not talking about how sexy they are! T-Rex: I'm young at heart! T-Rex: I just don't want to be one of those guys who lets being old be - all they do, you know? Being old is at best incidental to what I do, and what I do is BE TOTALLY RAD. Utahraptor: And totally self aggrandizing. T-Rex: And that! In between radness! My point is: I'm not old. Narrator: BUT SECRETLY, WHEN T-REX IS HOME ALONE: T-Rex: Gosh darn it! T-Rex (punchline): If these rappers spoke more slowly, we'd ALL be able to understand what they're saying.

happy, alternate reading: we're not looking at a photo of t-rex in panel six and listening to future generations talk about it! rather, "MANY GENERATIONS LATER" is the name of the club everyone's hanging out at in the present, and t-rex is super excited to see this photograph of some sepia-toned old-timey dude that everyone's crowded around off-panel. both interpretations are valid and exist in a state of QUANTUM-CONTINUITY CANON FLUX

T-Rex: Okay, so, turns out I might be dead someday. T-Rex: We all might be dead SOMEDAY! T-Rex: And it would be great for future generations to not have to make the same mistakes I did. So pay attention, future generations! HERE'S WHAT I'VE LEARNT: if you know a bit about a bunch of things you'll feel confident in more situations, it's nice to be nice, people sometimes get pissed if you beat them in video games but WHATEVER, and getting old isn't too bad but I haven't gotten THAT old yet so I don't know for sure. Utahraptor: I, uh, don't see any future generations listening in. T-Rex: Utahraptor!! T-Rex: I thought you were taking notes! Where's your notepad?! Utahraptor: I'm not your stenographer! Take your own notes. T-Rex (punchline): UM, I CAN'T BECAUSE I'M BUSY POURING MY LIFE KNOWLEDGE INTO THE EMPTY VESSELS OF FUTURE GENERATIONS?? Come on, we need to get ON THI- Narrator: MANY GENERATIONS LATER: Off panel: Look at this weird old photo of some guy I found! Off panel: I wonder if when he was alive he had any advice for us, the future generations! Off panel: *I* wonder why he's, uh, naked?

SOME are unmitigated disasters

Narrator: SO THIS IS THE SADDEST PART OF ROBERT SCOTT'S STORY, T-REX. T-Rex: Getting to the south pole a month late wasn't sad enough? Narrator: WELL, IN THIS PART, EVERYBODY DIES. T-Rex: ...Of old age? Narrator: NOPE: EXPOSURE. THINGS ARE GETTING WORSE AS THE TEMPERATURE DROPS. T-Rex: What happens? Narrator: ONE MAN, OATES, IS IN A BAD WAY. RATHER THAN SLOW EVERYONE DOWN, HE GETS UP ONE MORNING, SAYS "I AM JUST GOING OUTSIDE AND MAY BE SOME TIME", AND LEAVES THE TENT. NOBODY EVER SEES HIM AGAIN. T-Rex: ...Whoah. T-Rex: Okay! That's it!! I'm tapping out! Utahraptor: You don't want to hear how this ends? T-Rex: I know how it ends! EVERYBODY DIES. Amundsen makes it though, right? Utahraptor: Yeah, his team's better prepared for getting to the pole. Scott was more an adventurer, while Amundsen said "Adventure is just bad planning". T-Rex: Dude, Why couldn't you tell me his story instead? Off panel: ...I thought you'd enjoy a story of doomed struggle more than a story of efficient success? T-Rex: Man, I love efficient success! I'm all about efficient success! You know how I take baths? EFFICIENTLY. T-Rex (punchline): AND NOT INFREQUENTLY: SUCCESSFULLY

How Come A Boat Can Sink When I Never Saw A Duck Do That

T-Rex: Do you like boats that sank? Sure you do! But are you a TRUE fan of boats that sank? T-Rex: Well super; I've got good news! T-Rex: I've started a mailing list for TRUE fans of boats that sank! T-Rex: TODAY'S MAILING: T-Rex: Boats! What it's like to be on them T-Rex: Can a submarine sink... up? Let's find out! T-Rex: This Summer's Sexy Dresses That Look Like Sunken Boats Utahraptor: I'd like to subscribe, please! T-Rex: Done!! Utahraptor: And I'd like to contribute my articles, "I Ship It: Some Boats That I Pretend Would Like Other Boats", "Bows, Bows, Bows!" and my erotic fiction starring Midshipman First Class James Port, titled "Hard To Port". T-Rex: All are accepted! Hooray!! Narrator: LATER, T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR'S MAILING LIST GAINS LITERALLY DOZENS OF SUBSCRIBERS! T-Rex (punchline): Dear T-Rex and Utahraptor's shared diary!! T-Rex and off panel: Yaaaaaaay!

welcome to www.dinosaurcomics.com

T-Rex: I have been thinking of registering a domain name... T-Rex: ... on the Internet! T-Rex: This domain name will have to be something that reflects me and my interests! T-Rex: Something that says, "This is an awesome dude!" but also says "You should sign the guestbook!" T-Rex: Hmm... Utahraptor: I've got a great domain name for you! T-Rex: Oh boy! What is it? Narrator: AS THE UTAHRAPTOR GIVES HIS SUGGESTION, THE T-REX'S FACE FILLS WITH EXCITEMENT... T-Rex (punchline): That's perfect!

furthermore, helen kane, betty boop, frank sinatra, rhonda towns, rose murphy, tina louise, and patricia kaas also all want to be loved by you, alone. this is sourced to wikipedia.

Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "HOLLABACK GIRL" BY GWEN STEFANI AND PHARRELL WILLIAMS T-Rex: Gwen Stefani is not a holla back girl! This is her shit, and it is recognized as bananas. T-Rex: Bananas is spelt, "b-a-n-a-n-a-s". Narrator: THE END Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "I CAN'T HELP MYSELF" BY THE FOUR TOPS T-Rex: The narrator can't help himself and wants you, and nobody else. You are aware of this. Despite (or because) of this, you, Sugarpie, Honeybunch, left a picture of yourself in his possession, and he kissed it one thousand times. Utahraptor: The narrator denies any personal liability, saying love justifies these actions. Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "I WANNA BE LOVED BY YOU" T-Rex: Marilyn Monroe wants to be loved and kissed by you. She has no greater aspirations and is filled with desire to make you her own. T-Rex (punchline): Boop-boop a-doop.

if you were to ask dreamland t-rex what he'd like, he'd tell you, right away, that he'd like to have just one discussion that didn't take a turn for the friggin' sexy.

T-Rex: Who here had a series of dreams last night where they were back in school and missing assignments? The answer: me, T-Rex! Narrator: T-REX HAD SOME CRAZY DREAMS LAST NIGHT AND HEY, HE'S STILL TALKING ABOUT THEM T-Rex: It was nuts! I never had such a stereotypical dream before. I got in an assignment late and was trying to convince the professor to accept it, only he didn't want to and kept critiquing my penmanship. Also the assignment was on pink paper. I think it was the only paper I had! Utahraptor: I had a weird dream last night too! T-Rex: What was it? Utahraptor: I was a teacher with a student who kept handing in assignments late, ON PINK PAPER. T-Rex: NO WAY. NO WAY. Utahraptor: Yeah man! And I think the student in question was - GREEN?? Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN DREAMLAND! T-Rex: Professor, there must be SOMETHING I can do to convince you to take this assignment... Off panel: This dream has taken a turn for the sexy! T-Rex (punchline): I know!! What is the friggin' deal?

later: spaceships fail to work properly; t-rex is probably to blame.

Narrator: FUN EXPERIMENTS TO DO AT HOME T-Rex: Attention, youths of today! Did you know that there are several fun experiments you can do at home? T-Rex: For example, add vinegar to baking soda! T-Rex: The resulting mixture will make a lot of bubbles and it's pretty cool. I'm serious: it's pretty cool! You can add food colouring to make it look like cartoon lava too. Tight! Dromiceiomimus: ...Normally at this point you'd talk about the science behind the experiment, T-Rex. T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: PLEASE. T-Rex: Another fun experiment is to wrap copper wire around an iron nail! Utahraptor: And then attach the wire to a battery? T-Rex (punchline): Yep! Do that and now your nail can pick up tiny metal paperclips, as if by MAGIC. Heck, it may actually BE magic, for all you know! Is it magic? Let's all decide that it is. Utahraptor: T-Rex you're my friend, but you're - Utahraptor: you're ruining science Narrator: THE END

apparently they're going through a bit of a warm spell?

Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH ALREADY-NAKED DINOSAURS DEBATE THE MERITS OF SWIMMING NAKED T-Rex: I believe today I will go down to the beach and swim! T-Rex: Naked! T-Rex: Good morning, Dromiceiomimus! Beautiful day, isn't it? Dromiceiomimus: It is indeed, T-Rex. A fine day for going to the beach - is that where you're headed? T-Rex: It is, my friend! I'm going to swim naked! Utahraptor: Off to the beach? T-Rex: I am, good sir! Utahraptor: Mind if I join you? T-Rex: Not at all! Utahraptor: Sweet. Let me go get my swimming trunks! T-Rex: Why? Utahraptor: To swim in? T-Rex: Go naked! Utahraptor: No! I'll be right back. T-Rex (punchline): I'm swimming naked!

that's pretty rare and special, you guys

T-Rex: I know a lot about Super Mario, on account of how I've played those games often for, um, most of my life? T-Rex: Guys! There must be some way I can profit from this! T-Rex: Like - maybe if someone has a question about Mario, they could ask me. Only the problem is, lots of other people also know about Mario too so there's nothing special about my knowledge! Dromiceiomimus: Plus, there's probably tons of strategy guides and stuff online that would cover anything you know and then some. T-Rex: TRUE. T-Rex: But there still must be a way! Utahraptor: A way for what? T-Rex: Utahraptor, we're smart guys. We need to come up with a way for me to profit from all my Mario knowledge, while keeping in mind that there's actually nothing unique about it. Utahraptor: Okay. Well, Mario's a well-known character, but you have specialized knowledge about him. Why not exploit this in art you produce? Off panel: You share a cultural context with other Mario fans, so there's your shibboleth to talk with them directly. At the same time, Mario is famous enough that nobody will be lost by a reference! T-Rex (punchline): My friend! Such excellent advice is truly as rare, and as welcomed, as the 3UP moon!!

my guidance counsellor never told me that you could be a SLANG ENGINEER when i grew up, which in retrospect was fair on account of that's not actually a job

T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, when was the last time we partied? A month ago? TWO MONTHS? T-Rex: Clearly it is time for all men and ladies to party... EXTREMELY hard?? Dromiceiomimus: I'm down with this, T-Rex! It HAS been a while since our last party. T-Rex: Excellent! Well then, come over around 8 pm tonight. It'll be SWEET LARGE, which is slang I just made up that means "a large amount of sweet", which is still slang actually I think. Dromiceiomimus: Got it! Utahraptor: Can I come to this party too, or is this one of those one-on-one private parties? T-Rex: What? T-Rex: Those parties exist? Utahraptor: T-Rex, you invited Dromiceiomimus to come party extremely hard and didn't mention anyone else going. I think you just set up a private party. I think you just set up a date. T-Rex: Wha- T-Rex: Whoahhh T-Rex: Utahraptor! I- T-Rex (punchline): I have just unlocked "wicked sweet large"!

alternate panel 2 text: "SUPER FUN THINGS TO DO WITH TOAST"

T-Rex: Let's say you've dropped your toast on the floor. Pick it up, my friend! This is just one of many... Narrator: PROBLEMS THAT ARE EASILY SOLVED T-Rex: Or if you've misplaced your keys, you can check the places you usually leave them, and if that fails, retrace your steps! If this happens often, try getting a second set of keys you can use in these situations - then you won't be late for wherever it is you're going! Dromiceiomimus: That certainly is a problem easily solved! T-Rex: EXACTLY! Utahraptor: What if I'm worried my cousin is throwing her life away on a HARMFUL DRUG ADDICTION? T-Rex: T- That's... T-Rex: ...well, that's just not a problem easily solved, Utahraptor. That's still a problem that we CAN work on solving, but I don't think I can easily solve it for you here today. Utahraptor: Ah. T-Rex: In the meantime - can't find a twist tie when you need one? T-Rex: No problem! Try dropping a twist tie into your garbage cans BEFORE you put the bag in. When you remove the bag, the tie will be there waiting for you! T-Rex (punchline): NICE.

YOU WOULDN'T THINK THAT MAYBE ONE'S TIME COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER SPENT JUST YOU KNOW THINKING UP THE SENTENCE THEMSELVES

T-Rex: If someone were to ask me what my favourite suffix is, I would answer them without hesitation: "-cracy"! T-Rex: IT TURNS ANYTHING INTO A GOVERNMENT. T-Rex: If you really like sandwiches, all you have to do is think "sandwichocracy", and hey presto, your ideal system of government is right there! If you love yourself, an autocracy is what's perfect for you, mister! And let's say you love action figures. Dromiceiomimus: "Actionfigureocracy"? T-Rex: WHY THE HECK NOT?? Utahraptor: You'd really choose "-cracy" over "-tastic"? T-Rex: Any day, my friend! T-Rex: You could say, "Hey, imagine something awesometastic" and I can say, "Wait, imagine an awesomeocracy instead!" and then everyone will imagine my thing instead because it's better. Plus, "-cracy" INCLUDES "-tastic". All sandwichocracies are sandwichtastic, but not all things sandwichtastic are a sandwichocracy! God: T-REX WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THE UNIVERSE WAS JUST A TEST TO SEE IF "SANDWICHOCRACY" AND "SANDWICHTASTIC" WOULD EVER BE USED IN A SENTENCE T-Rex (punchline): I would tell you it's been a rousing success!! God: YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS A BIT OF A LET DOWN AT THE END THEN HUH

flow GISS tunn

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to talk about phlogiston! T-Rex: That's right! Phlogiston, bitches! T-Rex: Phlogiston was proposed as a scientific explanation for combustion! It was clear that some things burned (like wood), while other things would not burn (like ash). Phlogiston was a colourless, odourless and weightless substance that was contained in things that could burn. When they burned, the phlogiston was released into the air! Utahraptor: That's a pretty crazy theory! T-Rex: Yeah, but it totally worked for a while! T-Rex: It explained why if you burned things in a jar, they would go out: the air can only hold so much phlogiston! But it started to fall apart when people discovered that some things, like magnesium, actually gained mass when burned. Utahraptor: So phlogiston would have to have a negative mass! T-Rex: Yeah! That seemed a little TOO krazy. But it's actually pretty close to what we now believe, only backwards! T-Rex (punchline): (We believe materials are deoxygenated and become oxygenated when burning!) Off panel: Man! I know it!!

minecraft puts stuff beneath the ground until you reach the void, and has a world map that's currently limited, but at 8 times the surface area of the earth. this is one of the reasons i love minecraft. i can deal with that.

T-Rex: I hate to be the one to do this, but it's time for us to talk about - Narrator: THE SAD AND SORRY SYMBOLISM OF FIRST PERSON GRAPHICS ENGINES T-Rex: Yeah, it's great how you can see things like you're really there! But it's also super constrained and sad, for the world is hollow and walls surround you perfectly. There's no escape, and even when you're "outside" there's nothing underground, nothing over the mountains, and if you swim too far you hit an invisible wall or you DIE. It's a tiny world and you're the only one alive in it. Hey, why don't you kill that monster. It's something to do. T-Rex: And the sky? That's actually a BOX AROUND YOUR HEAD that's drawn first. Utahraptor: That depends on the game! T-Rex: STILL. You're wandering around a hollow tube with a box around your head to give the illusion of an endless horizon. It's SO SAD. Utahraptor: ...I guess. It's also a lot of fun! And ALL games have limits: there's no baseball outside the diamond. The game just ends. You're not supposed to go there. T-Rex (punchline): But it's not exactly the same, right? It's not like, if you do go outside the diamond then you die, right? And then if you die in the game you die in real life?? Off panel: No. That has never happened, T-Rex. Off panel: How Off panel: How did you get this far thinking that

/THAT'S NOT POOP, T-REX/

T-Rex: I'm not afraid to admit it: I've nurtured some talents and have become particularly good at certain things. T-Rex: For example: stomping on things! T-Rex: I am really good at stomping on things. Years of practice have enabled me to put my foot above an object, shift my weight to the foot with force, and thus compress whatever is beneath my foot. And should I see someone struggling with stomping, something SO HARD for them and yet so easy for me, I would gladly help them out! Utahraptor: Assuming they want the help, of course. T-Rex: Of course! T-Rex: And you agree that this is the right thing for me to do, assuming nobody is being hurt through the stomping. Utahraptor: Absolutely. T-Rex: ... Utahraptor: But I'm STILL not cleaning raccoon poop off your porch, T-Rex! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR we just LOGICALLY PROVED that if raccoon poop makes me puke and you can handle it fine, then you should be the one cleaning it!! T-Rex: Please, Utahraptor, I- T-Rex (punchline): I can't handle the fact that my neighbours are poopy raccoons

WHICH POSSIBLE FUTURE GENERATION WOULD NOT BE INTRIGUED??

T-Rex: Most of Shakespeare's life is a mystery! People spend their time reading his plays and saying "Man, this guy has dudes sailing from cities that are days away from large bodies of water." T-Rex: "He must not have known geography that well!" T-Rex: "Therefore... he must not have travelled that much! I HAVE UNCOVERED A FACT ABOUT SHAKESPEARE'S LIFE!" and then they're happy. Dromiceiomimus: But that's because there's not much we actually know about Shakespeare's life. T-Rex: That's exactly my point! We're RECONSTRUCTING it from hints, subtext, deduction and innuendo from his works. I CAN USE THIS. Utahraptor: How? T-Rex: In my own life! T-Rex: I'll write plays that HINT at how great I am, how smart and sexy and awesome everyone finds me. Then I just excise every other mention of myself from history, and the plays are the only source left! They're the only way to learn about the towering mind behind them, this Adonis of authors, this... T-Rex. Off panel: But what if your play sucks and nobody wants to know ANYTHING about its author? T-Rex: Please. My first play is called "The Motorist Who Spewed Racial Epithets While Also Spewing Vomit"! T-Rex (punchline): (It was inspired by an actual motorist I felt terrible about AND for!)

i celebrate Act Like A Logdriver Day, in which i go birling down and down white water. i do believe that's where the logdriver learns to step lightly

T-Rex: Today is Act Like A T-Rex Day! Everybody! T-Rex: Act like me! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, act like me today, okay? It'll be great. Examine what I'm doing and then try internalizing it, okay? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I do not celebrate this holiday! I'm actually celebrating Act Like A Dromiceiomimus Day, which happens to fall on the same day. T-Rex: WHAT T-Rex: Act Like A Dromiceiomimus Day? I have not heard of this holiday! Utahraptor: It's the best! Utahraptor: I celebrate it too. In fact, I'm pretty sure everyone celebrates it! There's a big "Act Like A Dromiceiomimus" party at city hall tonight. T-Rex: But - but... Utahraptor: They've closed off Main Street so that people can act like Dromiceiomimuses there! It's gonna be awesome! Narrator: THAT EVENING: Off panel: I'm a Dromiceiomimus! Off panel: Me too! Off panel: Hey man! Me three!! T-Rex: [tiny] i'm a dromiceiomimus pretending to be a t-rex Off panel: Pardon me? T-Rex: I SAID T-Rex (punchline): i'm a dromiceiomimus PRETENDING to be a t-rex

turns out nanite and manite are basically snake 'n' bacon?

Narrator: NANITE COMICS T-Rex: Nanites are tiny robots! They're SO TINY that they can robotically mess with things at the molecular level. T-Rex: Pretty darned sweet, my friends! T-Rex: The dream is that you could pour a vial of nanites on your bed and they'd transform it at the "nano" level into a better bed, or a big ol' pile of tasty burgers! You could eliminate hunger, dispose of waste, and so on. The only downside is that the nanites could malfunction, reproduce without check, and reduce all life to a featureless grey goo. Dromiceiomimus: Or to burgers. T-Rex: OR to burgers. Utahraptor: I thought there were issues with the "grey goo" scenario being impossible? T-Rex: Maybe? T-Rex: I AM probably confusing science fiction nanites with real nanites. But one thing we can all agree on is that nanites are pretty neat! Utahraptor: Can we also all agree that if there was a superhero who could shrink really small, he should be called "The Manite"? T-Rex: YES WE CAN. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE: T-Rex: It's Nanite Versus Manite! Two titans battling for dominance of my affections! Off panel: [tiny] i'm a tiny robot Off panel: [tiny] i'm a tiny dude T-Rex (punchline): GUYS, I KNOW.

TROUBLE IN PARADISE??

Image description: The comic is in greyscale with more realistic art and is not based on the standard template [A man sits at a table with his breakfast; a piece of bacon hangs limply from the fork in his hand. He hears a voice in the distance] Off panel: LET'S TALK ABOUT ANT MAN! Off panel: I GOT ISSUES WITH THIS GUY Sound effect: BOOM.. [The man looks on, perplexed] Off panel: FACTUAL ISSUES. [A closeup of an idle drinking glass on the table; the distant monologue grows steadily louder] Off panel: I FIGURE THERE ARE THREE WAYS HE CAN SHRINK. Sound effect: BOOM.. [The glass rattles, the booming grows consistently louder] Off panel: HE COULD JUST SHRINK ALL HIS ATOMS, WHICH IS RIDICULOUS. ATOMS CAN'T DO THAT. [The man looks worriedly through the curtains, out of a nearby window] Off panel: HE COULD DECREASE THE SPACE BETWEEN HIS ATOMS, NOT REALLY POSSIBLE EITHER. IT JUST ISN'T. Sound effect: BOOM.. Off panel: THE MOST LIKELY WAY HE DOES IT IS BY REDUCING THE AMOUNT OF ATOMS IN HIS BODY. Off panel: BUT CHECK IT! BECAUSE OF THE EXPONENTIALLY SMALLER AMOUNT OF NEURONS IN HIS BRAIN, HE'S REALLY STUPID. MAYBE TOO STUPID TO LIVE. MAYBE NOT, CAUSE HE'S A SCIENTIST. Sound effect: BOOM.. [The man looks upwards out of the window, horrified] Off panel: ANOTHER PROBLEM IS HOW HE BOSSES ANTS AROUND! Sound effect: BOOM

what? there's OTHER flags at the top of mount angry?? oh man, let me tell you what feeling that gives me that starts with "a"

T-Rex: Aw frigs dangs and craps!! Circumstances and/or events have made me... ANGRY. Narrator: I AM SUPER MAD AND DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT Narrator: a web card T-Rex: In fact I'm so angry that right now I don't even want to talk about my feelings. I KNOW IT SEEMS INCONCEIVABLE, but right now, at this moment, all I want to do is be alone. And angry. Mad will do too. T-Rex: Yes, I think I'm going to dedicate a fair chunk of time towards exploring Mount Angry. I think I will plant my flag right at the top! Utahraptor: And you want the recipient of this card to leave you alone with your feelings? T-Rex: Yes please! Utahraptor: And to that end, we're opening the lines of communication and sending them a card preemptively. T-Rex: YES. Does that not make sense? Because we are no longer using the laws of vanilla "regular" logic, Utahraptor! We are operating under ANGER LOGIC. T-Rex: Anger logic says that anything that makes me mad is dumb and I hate it! T-Rex: AND I'LL BE HONEST: T-Rex (punchline): Anger logic's so great I kinda forget what we saw in regular logic in the first place

ATTENTION PROFESSIONAL POKER PLAYERS: you will crumble before the might of this new poker face. you will spill your drink on your lap. these two events are unrelated, but you will never be able to prove it.

T-Rex: Poker sure seems to be popular lately! Does the road to financial independence TRULY pass through Gambling Towne, USA? God: THE ANSWER IS NO T-Rex: There's one way to find out! God: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING T-REX I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU RUINED DUE TO HILARIOUSLY SUCKY POKER PLAYING T-Rex: Yeah but, you can lose at lotteries because it's just chance, right? But in poker, you can bluff! IN THEORY, I can bluff my way into the annals of poker history AND the annals of "neighbours with suspicious amounts of disposable income", ALL AT THE SAME TIME. All I need is a good poker face! Utahraptor: And, you know, skills at poker! T-Rex: What? I've got mad skills at poker! Utahraptor: I believe, canonically, the minimum skill set is knowing when to hold them, as well as being aware of the proper time at which to fold them. T-Rex: That is advice for people WITHOUT the ultimate poker face. Check this out. T-Rex: [tiny] poooooker Narrator: YES, THIS IS T-REX'S POKER FACE. HE MAKES EYE CONTACT, SMILES, AND WHISPERS "POOOOOKER" T-Rex (punchline): I've doubled my money! Narrator: RIGHT ON

SCREW IT, IF WE GET CHILI ON US WE CAN SWIM IN THE COLD WATER AND THEN WARM OURSELVES UP BY PUTTING CHILI ON US

T-Rex: Spring is here! T-Rex: LET'S EAT FOOD ON A BEACH WITH FRIENDS Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I was just noticing how spring is here, and it occurred to me that we should eat food on a beach with friends!! T-Rex: You know how long it's been since I brought food to a beach, and then, sitting on that beach with friends, consumed the food? T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: TOO DAMN LONG Utahraptor: Hey I got all this food and friendship, where should we go? T-Rex and Utahraptor: THE BEACH Utahraptor: One minor concern: yeah, it IS spring, but it's still kinda cool out. We might get cold. T-Rex: SCREW IT, WE'LL WEAR SWEATERS AND EAT HOT HOT CHILI Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): SCREW IT, WE'RE NAKED AND WE'RE EATING HOT HOT CHILI

technically, i believe this turns every word ever written by humans into "t-rex's premise fanfiction"

T-Rex: Let's assume that the physical world exists! And let's assume what I'll call "humans" live in this actual for-real physical world. T-Rex: Let's be CRAZY!! T-Rex: And let's further assume that these "humans" can interact with this physical world, AND that they can trust their senses reporting on these interactions. Dromiceiomimus: And to make it interesting, let's assume these "humans" are conscious! Each and every one! T-Rex: Sure! Why not, right? And let's assume that causality and time are experienced by "humans" as linear, constantly progressing phenomena! Utahraptor: These are some pretty fantastic assumptions! T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex: But this thought experiment results in "humans" who believe the physical world is real and who interact with it, AND who believe everyone else is conscious and who interact with THEM, but who hilariously can't go back in time to fix even a single mistake. A race both responsible for their actions and wholly unable to change them! T-Rex: It's a great premise! I might use it as the basis of a book series. And if this turns out to be a bad idea years down the line, I'll just go back and decide not to do this after all! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): I LOVE REALITY

for lunch yesterday i had a *RECORD SCRATCH* ham sandwich

T-Rex: I'm going to be the most badass old man. You heard it here first! T-Rex eventually equals... T-Rex: ULTIMATE OLD BADASS! Dromiceiomimus: How are you going to pull this off, T-Rex? There are already a LOT of badass elderlies. T-Rex: True! But I've got some angles. Like when I'm old and alone and all my friends are gone, I'll end my stories with "And everyone who witnessed THAT little incident? DEAD." T-Rex: Pretty badass, you guys! Utahraptor: They died of old age, but you're implying you killed them? T-Rex: I'm not! T-Rex: I'll just be saying that everyone who saw me poop my pants in grade three had a good laugh, and it took a little while, but now each of them has met their maker. Utahraptor: So - yes. Man, this really seems more morbid than "badass". Utahraptor: I'm really unsure how bad this ass is. T-Rex: Wait, wait! Hold up!! Narrator: *RECORD SCRATCH* T-Rex (punchline): Talking about all my friends being dead has made me SAD

where's panel seven I NEED PANEL SEVEN

T-Rex: Oh crap, has it been four years? That means World Cup Football has started again! And THAT means it's time for... Narrator: CUTE STORIES FROM WHEN T-REX WAS A BABY T-Rex: ...What? T-Rex: No, that's not what it's time for. It's World Cup fever time!! And that means it's ALSO time for... Narrator: COMICS EXPLORING THE ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KNOWLEDGE OBTAINED THROUGH DEDUCTION AND KNOWLEDGE OBTAINED THROUGH INTUITION T-Rex: Oh my gosh NO. Utahraptor: What's going on, T-Rex? T-Rex: Hold on. Soccer! It's time for... Narrator: FIVE FUN WAYS TO A THREE-MINUTE SALAD T-Rex: ... Utahraptor: ...What? T-Rex: Nevermind. I'M GOING HOME. Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Okay, LAST CHANCE! It's time for... Narrator: NEW, FUN, AND EXTREMELY EFFECTIVE WAYS TO DELIVER PLEASURE TO A SEXUAL PARTNER T-Rex (punchline): ...Neato

turns out that there's a lot of different dudes just down the street

T-Rex: So, I accept that I am the epitome of the male form with typical grace. But what is with my getting a sunburn? T-Rex: Huh? T-Rex: Clearly, my body is UNDEREVOLVED. Being able to be burnt by the sun - which, I don't have to remind you, Dromiceiomimus, shines on the Earth EVERY DAY - seems to me to be a pretty big limitation! Dromiceiomimus: Does this mean that your body is... less than perfect? T-Rex: My brain rejects that sentence as semantically invalid! Utahraptor: What if there was someone exactly like you in every way, only HE didn't get sunburns? T-Rex: Oh no! T-Rex: I would be doomed to being a second-tier character in my own life! Nobody (even myself!) would care what I was up to, when there was someone exactly like me only he didn't get sunburns around! Utahraptor: Well, let's be glad no such person exists then! God: ACTUALLY I THINK THERE'S A DUDE LIKE THAT JUST DOWN THE STREET T-Rex (punchline): Aw boo!

T-Rex's other ultimate disaster movie, "The Earth Stops Spinning and Everybody Flies Into A Wall", can easily be incorporated into the narrative. THE NARRATIVE IS EXPRESSLY DESIGNED TO ALLOW EVERYONE TO FLY INTO A WALL AT POINT OR THREE

T-Rex: I have come up with the ultimate disaster movie! It is called "OH GOSH: A SERIES OF DISASTERS" and what happens is a guy gets out of bed, stubs his toe and says, T-Rex: "Oh, GOSH!" T-Rex: Then he falls down the stairs! T-Rex: Then he smashes through a load-bearing beam at the bottom and his house collapses! And then a spark from a broken lamp ignites the gas, and his house explodes, shooting the guy out into the sky and lighting the surrounding houses on fire. By the time the fire department arrives the entire block is aflame, and also, their fire truck is on fire. Then the fire reaches a power station, causes a cascade failure, and power goes down for the entire country, and soon, the world! Utahraptor: The power failure goes worldwide? T-Rex: The guys in charge of preventing that were watching the fires on TV! T-Rex: ANYWAY, things progress and characters keep saying "What is with this... Series of Disasters?" It's so good, Utahraptor. Volcanoes erupt, earthquakes strike, and meteors hit just as soon as all the other stuff gets boring. Utahraptor: And let me guess: at the end the Earth explodes? T-Rex: Yeah, but after the credits, the original guy wakes up and says "Whew! It was all a dream!" Then he gets out of bed, STUBS HIS TOE, turns to the camera in terror, wide-eyed, and screams "Oh GOSSSSSH!!!" T-Rex (punchline): Holy crap. There's nothing not to like in my movie.

To realize that most of the science here is still being explored and revised, have that realization, then feel a LITTLE bit better?

Heading: [white on red background] CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE Narrator: today's adventure: THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE T-Rex: Woo-hoo! Let's have an adventure!! Text: It is trillions and trillions of years in the future. T-Rex: AWESOME! Turn to panel 3! Text: The second law of thermodynamics has reached its ultimate expression, and all energy is evenly spread across the Universe. How did this happen? Stellar formation peters out and the remaining stars use up their hydrogen fuel, burning out. The universe darkens. Trillions of years pass, and practically all remaining matter has been sucked into black holes. Some hold the remains of entire galaxies. Dromiceiomimus: This is depressing. Turn to panel 4. T-Rex: Maybe there's still hope though! Turn to panel 4. Text: There is no hope at all. Soon even the supermassive black holes evaporate. T-Rex: And this generates new energy for life? Utahraptor: Turn to panel 5. Text: While they evaporate, black holes release only small bits of energy, mainly photons, which populate a near-empty space. All that remains of Creation is a low level of background radiation and a few subatomic particles, scattered across a frozen, silent, and lifeless Universe. T-Rex: TO TURN BACK TIME AND LIVE AGAIN WITH YOUR SWEETIE, TURN TO PANEL 6. Utahraptor: What? No! T-Rex: Hah hah! Looks like YOU undid the heat death of the universe, and everyone lived happily ever after! Off panel: Everyone is dead. T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] WHO THE HECK SAID THAT?!

I'm just like Superman, only instead of invulnerability and x-ray vision, I unwillingly transform tiny parts of my body into vitamin D. YOU MIGHT NOTICE WE BOTH GAIN OUR POWERS FROM THIS PLANET'S STRANGE YELLOW SUN??

T-Rex: I may have been too hard on evolution the other day. The fact that plants have photosynthesis IS pretty awesome! T-Rex: We're surrounded by living creatures that EAT SUN. T-Rex: And then I realized: any animal I eat either eats plants or eats another animal! Thus does cruel mistress Induction decree that this entire chain is based on plants, and so even when I'm eating meatburgers I'm eating SUN, the only way I know how: INDIRECTLY. Dromiceiomimus: You actually do a form of photosynthesis yourself, T-Rex! T-Rex: GET the heck OUT. Utahraptor: It's true! It's not photosynthesis like plants do, but sun does react with your skin to synthesize vitamin D. T-Rex: What?! T-Rex: So what you're saying is I - have superpowers? Utahraptor: Well, the same superpower every other vertebrate has. T-Rex (punchline): SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS I HAVE SUPERPOWERS. Utahraptor: Ones that are more useful against rickets than crime, yes. [no text]

'hey guys, could anyone else go for some sweet human kissing right about now?'

T-Rex: Whoo! It's cool to be cool! T-Rex: And I'M the coolest! T-Rex: This guarantees me POPULARITY. Who would not like to hang out with someone who's the coolest? T-Rex: The answer is no-one! Utahraptor: Whoah! That's some unrestrained ego you've got going, my friend! T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: I'm experimenting with it. They say that women like a man with confidence, so I will be the most confident man ever! Utahraptor: But not all women are alike! I bet you some women like a man who is a pushover. T-Rex (punchline): Sucks for them! They won't get any of my SWEET DINOSAUR KISSING. Off panel: I find that digusting, yet can't articulate why!

whatever, UTAHRAPTOR. you know tng's way too awesome to be a nerd show, and voyager's way too dumb.

T-Rex: Cargo cults are religions that have developed during World War II in island tribal societies exposed to the West! Islanders saw planes delivering amazing and valuable cargo to the troops, and believed it to be divine. Narrator: KARGO KULT KOMICS T-Rex: During the war, the islanders would see this cargo going to the troops and would grow to believe that the gods meant it for them - that the white people were just getting it sooner because of their influential rituals. And of course, after the war ended and the troops left, the cargo stopped being dropped too. Utahraptor: So what happened then? T-Rex: The islanders started mimicking what they'd seen the troops doing! T-Rex: The result was ersatz marches, imitation airstrips and walkie talkies made out of wood and bamboo, and even torch signal flares, used to signal divine planes that never come! Utahraptor: Wow! It recasts Western military culture and tools as religious practice and iconography, respectively! T-Rex (punchline): I know! It's CRAZY! Not in the pejorative sense, but in the more esoteric "Holy crap the Prime Directive on Star Trek was RIGHT" sense of crazy. It's a very particular sense of crazy but I'm feeling it right now! Off panel: I'm feeling it right now too, and I don't even watch nerd shows!!

i used 'eh' three times in this comic without even realizing it! holy moley!

T-Rex: I totally went out to fancy dinner with friends last night! It was a lot of fun and the food was extremely delicious. T-Rex: I also left a big tip, so as not to appear NIGGARDLY! T-Rex: Eh? Would you say you find something COMMENT-WORTHY in my speech, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Nope! I know that the word "niggardly" means miserly, and that it has a completely different etymology from any words that it might happen to sound like! T-Rex: Aw man! Maybe - maybe pretend you don't? Utahraptor: You were just looking for controversy, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's true, it's true! T-Rex: But my plan was to educate! When people called me on "niggardly", I was going to explain how it most likely derives from the Scandinavian "nig" (miserly), and in fact predates any similar racially-charged words by hundreds of years! Utahraptor: Looks like you blew your chances with us, my friend! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hey there! How's everyone doing? Say, that river sure is getting high, huh? Maybe someone should put a DYKE up around it! T-Rex: Eh? Eh? T-Rex (punchline): Homophobia?

the best part of etymologies is that usually nobody really knows, so the best story wins!

Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Narrator: Today's origin story: Narrator: THE PHRASE "BALLS TO THE WALL" T-Rex: Many people assume the origin of this phrase has to do with testicles! T-Rex: In fact, it's quite the opposite. The phrase originated with pilots of fighter planes! T-Rex: The "balls" in question referred to the knobs on top of the plane's throttle control. When the throttle was at full, the "balls" would be "to the wall" of the cockpit! T-Rex: And that's the origin of the phrase "balls to the wall". Utahraptor: You are incorrect! The phrase comes from olde-fashioned steam-powered trains! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: It's true! Basically, the engines had two weighted balls, attached to a vertical shaft that was connected to the engine. As the engine speed increased, these two balls would be raised higher because of centrifugal force! At top speed, they would be parallel to the ground, nearly touching the "walls" of the shaft! T-Rex: Hence, "balls to the wall"! Man! T-Rex (punchline): That's sweet!

apparently, rene's email is something easily confused with or very close to '[email protected]'

T-Rex: Someone thinks my email address belongs to somebody else! They keep sending me pictures of their newborn baby, addressed to one "René Wellek". As such, I HAVE BECOME RENÉ WELLEK. T-Rex: The course of my life has now been set! T-Rex: Normally when this happens, I write back the sender and let them know they've got the wrong address, but this time is different. They sent me four separate sets of baby pictures, covering the first four days of her life! I've already seen this baby grow up four days! I have a RELATIONSHIP with her now, and I've decided: I'm in for the long haul. Utahraptor: You're not going to correct them? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: I've become their silent friend René, watching this baby grow up over the years. I'll see her first steps! Her first birthday! And in 18 or so years, I'll have tears in my eyes as my computer pings and her high school grad pictures download into my inbox... Utahraptor: Little creepy, T-Rex! Narrator: THAT EVENING: Text: Okay, here's the news: I am not your friend René but I am just as good. My name is T-Rex and I am a good role model. I brush my teeth regularly and when I forget to I tell myself to try HARDER. Basically, what I am saying here is "I am a stranger on the internet who has taken a particular interest in your child" T-Rex (punchline): Perfect!

i think this is the first time the sentence 'my friend, thigh fives are a ridiculous way of expressing enthusiasm' has ever been written down

T-Rex: What a good mood I am in today! T-Rex: I declare: high fives all around! T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus! Give me a thigh five! Dromiceiomimus: A what? T-Rex: What? Whoah, I meant to say "A high five", of course! T-Rex: Oh man. What an embarrassing slip of the tongue! I have to go now! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: What the heck? A thigh five? Where did that even come from? Utahraptor: What's going on? T-Rex: Oh, hey Utahraptor. DID YOU KNOW that I just accidently asked the Dromiceiomimus to give me a thigh five? Utahraptor: Hah hah! I did NOT! What would that be, anyway? You both on your backs, slappin your legs together in the air? T-Rex: My friend, thigh fives are a ridiculous way of expressing enthusiasm. I am aware of this! T-Rex (punchline): This is not the issue here!

wow that meat writes a comic but never learnt how to make all of that comic's content easily viewable to those who are unaware of secret text locations

T-Rex: Books are just congealed thoughts! T-Rex: And sculpture is just condensed imagination! T-Rex: Movies are just clotted adults playing pretend. Music is just humming with your hands or with a tube up in your mouth! Dromiceiomimus: Thank you, T-Rex, for describing some of the most beautiful art forms in terms of gelatinous, thickening substances. T-Rex: And mouth tubes! Dromiceiomimus: And mouth tubes. Utahraptor: In defence of movies and music, I could say that you're just talking meat! T-Rex: And you'd be right! T-Rex: Embrace it, dude! Jerk cuts you off in traffic, think "Wow, that meat drives a car but never learnt how to drive courteously." Next time someone is a jerk, think "Man, they're just food with opinions." Utahraptor: Why am I listening to talking food? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Wait, Utahraptor, come back! T-Rex (punchline): This food with opinions is your BEST FRIEND

man, it took me three weeks to get the beeps right

T-Rex: I've been practicing a little something in my spare time! T-Rex: Mime! [no text] T-Rex: Amazing, eh Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: What, that? What were you supposed to be miming? T-Rex: Driving a car! Uncanny, yes? Don't worry: there is no invisible car! Utahraptor: That's not what driving a car looks like! T-Rex: Oh yeah? You can do better? Utahraptor: Watch this! T-Rex: Oh, whatever! T-Rex: Whatever, man! T-Rex: That's nothing! You wanna see what driving a car REALLY looks like? T-Rex (punchline): beep beep

ABOUT ME: "i am really into the idea of telling your past self to suck on things"

T-Rex: I have friends because I like them, and I like them because they're fun and GUESS WHAT, I LOVE HAVING FUN. T-Rex: WHY WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS IF IT'S NOT TO HAVE FUN ALL THE TIME?? Narrator: LATER: Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I've been feeling down lately and I was hoping talking about it with a friend would help! T-Rex: Oh geez, yes! Of course, I would be happy to help! T-Rex: Let's talk this out, Drotimes!! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: T-Rex, can you help me move AGAIN? T-Rex: Sure I'd be happy to! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: T-Rex, thanks for helping me move! T-Rex: No problem! Now is it finally time to have fun? Now can I get what I want out of this friendship? Utahraptor: Nope! I gotta set all this stuff up. But thanks! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Whatever! Turns out I've become emotionally invested in other people's happiness, so their happiness increases my own!! T-Rex (punchline): SUCK ON THAT, PAST ME

s/owned/pwned/g

T-Rex: Let us discuss public spaces, such as parks and sidewalks! Does nobody own them? Or, are they in fact owned... by everybody? T-Rex: An interesting distinction, if I do say so myself! T-Rex: If nobody is seen as owning a public space, then nobody is motivated to care for it, and so care falls to the government. Spaces become bland and inoffensive, due to the nature of governance! However, if everyone owns them, then everyone can take care of them, and they can become vibrant and challenging. Utahraptor: Challenging how? T-Rex: Challenging ARTISTICALLY. T-Rex: People could put up posters and stuff on telephone poles, along with ads! And anything that anyone didn't like, they could take down. It would be an anarchic art show or something! Utahraptor: Somehow I don't see this happening. T-Rex: I'll show you! Narrator: T-REX PUTS UP POSTERS AROUND TOWN AND THEY GET COVERED WITH ADS FOR YOGA SCHOOLS: T-Rex: Argh! Friggin' yoga schools! T-Rex (punchline): This is not the first time in my life I've had incident to shout this!!

cause maybe you should!

T-Rex: People are always like, "Boo hoo hoo! I'm not motivated!" Well, not anymore! Not since I, T-Rex, have decided to become... T-Rex: ... a motivational speaker! T-Rex: It'll be fantastic, Dromiceiomimus! I will motivate through a combination of folk wisdom and "uncommon sense" advice couched in clever stock market analogies! Dromiceiomimus: Sounds great? T-Rex: Sounds MOTIVATIONAL! Utahraptor: I don't think the world needs what you're offering, T-Rex! T-Rex: Think positive, friend! Utahraptor: No, really! I don't know anyone who's ever been motivated by an insincere catch phrase. I think you need to get back to basics, if you're serious about this! T-Rex: Basics, eh? Hmm... Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Excuse me! Unmotivated people? I'm T-Rex, your motivational speaker! T-Rex (punchline): So! Has anyone here ever tried setting goals, and then achieving those goals?

how will future generations know that what they're seeing is supposed to be the remains of a time machine? I DUNNO, MAYBE SOME CLOCKS LABELLED "DESTINATION TIME", "PRESENT TIME", AND "LAST TIME DEPARTED" WILL DO THE TRICK??

T-Rex: God, guess what I'M going to do today! God: UM PLANT MORE FAKE GRAVES T-Rex: Indeed!! T-Rex: Fake graves... for EVERYONE! T-Rex: One of them will be of a dude with the remains of a time machine, and I'm gonna put him down at the Permian-Triassic boundary (the greatest extinction event EVER, in which 95% of all marine species and 70% of all land life became extinct)! I'm gonna make it look like this guy's time machine was responsible. It'll be all there in his notebook. "My time machine accidentally blew up and is responsible for the mass extinctions. Frig." T-Rex: All of this will go in Dromiceiomimus's back yard, which I forgot to ask permission about! Utahraptor: And in mine? T-Rex: Utahraptor, in YOUR back yard I'd like to bury a skeleton, but I'm gonna give him some extra fingers and also we'll cover him in feathers. People will say, "Who was this Incredible Feathered Bird Man with the crazy fingers? Was he - was he a GOD?" Utahraptor: 'Kay! Narrator: LATER, ON TINY-TOWNE ISLAND! T-Rex: Tell me honestly, Mr. Tusks: do you think my grave pranks are DEFINITELY the most awesome ideas you've ever heard? Off panel: [small] I think they're a... TINY bit awesome, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Mr. Tusks... are you just saying that for the pun?

oh look, an ALIVE person has an opinion on suicide!

T-Rex: You know those suicide barriers that are placed on some bridges? They're usually things like closely-spaced metal wires going up and running the length of the bridge, to prevent folks from hopping over the edge. T-Rex: They freak me right the heck out! T-Rex: They're such a crazy symbol for our society! We have them there because if we didn't, MEMBERS OF OUR COMMUNITY would kill themselves. We need physical barriers to stop this from happening. If you look at it as a benchmark for our society, it's so weird! We have to change our environment to make it difficult to off ourselves, otherwise we'd all be committing suicide? What are we doing wrong? Utahraptor: Come on, society doesn't make us all suicidal! It only makes a FEW people suicidal. T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But even so, if suicidal folks really want to kill themselves, these barriers won't stop them. They'll just go somewhere else. Utahraptor: But they DO prevent spur of the moment suicides! T-Rex (punchline): These are symptoms! We should be working on causes! Utahraptor: Social programs DO work on the causes!! Banner: SUICIDE IN COMICS Narrator: "WHAT IS THE DEAL"

your whole family is made out of (bones and) meat

T-Rex: Turns out, we're members of a social species! We need to see other people and if we don't we get sad and weird!! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE US! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, what are you talking about? You love having friends! T-Rex: Sure, absolutely! But I was under the impression it was OPTIONAL! I thought I was a CHOOSING to have friends, not that I was biologically hard-wired for 'em!! T-Rex: What other aspects of my personality are just BIOLOGICAL DIRECTIVES? Am I nothing more than a mass of genetic imperatives?? Utahraptor: Yep! Utahraptor: You're a mass of bones and meat with needs and desires, of course that's affected who you are! If I wasn't bones and meat with needs and desires myself, I'd be SHOCKED the system even works! T-Rex: I need and desire you to stop describing my body that way. Off panel: If you tried to turn a ham sandwich into a sentient intelligence you'd expect there to be SOME side effects, so why are you surprised to see 'em when we're running on FAT and BLOOD and WEIRD JUICES?? T-Rex (punchline): Okay nope that made it worse; let's go back to "bones and meat" please!

delicious_marinated_ribs_ULTRAHIGHRES_NOTAFAKE.jpg

T-Rex: I think I have sex addiction, but like, for food! T-Rex: Oh my gosh it's so freeing to finally say this out loud. T-Rex: I wanna eat food like three times a day!! T-Rex: And I wanna eat it at home and sometimes I wanna go out and eat it in public and I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE SEES ME. In fact, if I know the person watching me, I usually invite them to join in! Dromiceiomimus: Do you want to eat food... in front of your family? T-Rex: I won't lie! I've done it!! Utahraptor: Have you ever... PAID for food? T-Rex: Absolutely! T-Rex: When I'm in a relationship sometimes my sweetie and I make food together, but often I'll have to go out and pay for it. Or sometimes I'll just take care of it myself. There's no shame in that! Utahraptor: I'm not saying there is! T-Rex: Utahraptor, sometimes I think about food EVEN WHILE EATING OTHER FOODS. T-Rex: Fancier foods, you know? Or foods that my partner is unwilling or unable to cook for me. I buy food magazines to read about things I haven't tried yet. I - T-Rex (punchline): I catch myself downloading food pictures when I'm supposed to be working

alternate punchline: god: HEY MAN WHERE'S MY TEMPLE t-rex: I told you! Nowhere! god: SUCKS

Narrator: T-REX IN: "A CONTRACT WITH GOD" God: T-REX LET'S MAKE A DEAL T-Rex: Sure thing, dude! God: OKAY SO HERE'S THE DEAL God: BUILD ME A TEMPLE T-Rex: Oh-kay! Narrator: LATER... T-Rex: Damn it, it's too hard to find temple building materials! Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: Ah, forget it! I was going to build a temple for God, but it's too hard. I will simply VIOLATE our VERBAL CONTRACT. Utahraptor: I have no idea what you're talking about! God: I HEARD THAT YOU KNOW T-Rex (punchline): Whoops!

i wrote this comic months ago and only found it now. i think i wrote it after discovering there were only four 'back to the future meets terminator' stories on fanfiction.net, but that doesn't make sense, because they all feature doc and marty fighting terminators and that's UHMAZING

Computer: Hello, and thank you for downloading an internet! Perhaps you would like to look at pictures of cats? Input: > yes Computer: Here it is! Input: > that is a picture of a dinosaur Computer: Dinosaurs lived in the past, so they evolved into cats. Do you agree that evolution worked that way? Input: > no Computer: Here are two cats. Do you want to purchase this jpg of two cats for $100? I will type 'yes' for you. Input: > yes Input: > i didnt type in yes!! it already had it typed in!!! Computer: I'm sorry, I don't understand you. Do you want this other jpg of two cats? Press any key if correct. Input: > Computer: Also, press no keys if correct. Thank you for your purchase! Input: > sometimes the internet makes me sad Computer: Congratulations! You’ve expressed the one sentiment everyone on the internet eventually shares! Computer: As a reward, here is another friggin' jpg of a cat!!

originally one of the lines was "There's a parallel universe where you're already regretting that decision." but, holy creepy.

Narrator: THINGS TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE HAS BROKEN UP WITH YOU T-Rex: Sometimes, someone will break up with you. Aw snaps! What do you say to THAT? T-Rex: Here are some things you can say to that! T-Rex: "It's okay, sweetie! I'm sure one day you'll find someone ALMOST as good as me!" T-Rex: "Would you also break up with a rocket skateboard? BECAUSE THOSE WOULD BE GREAT. LIKE ME. I AM GREAT." Dromiceiomimus: "You can't fire me, baby! I quit!" Utahraptor: "Don't you think you should have settled while you were ahead?" T-Rex: "What if your next boyfriend is uglier?" T-Rex: "Honestly though, I will always treasure the time we had together. I liked who I was with you - who we were together - and I hope we'll both be able to take that with us in the future. You've changed me and you're a part of who I am. I know our relationship will be different now, but I can't imagine ever not loving you." T-Rex (punchline): "Oh, were we dating?"

i looked up "sexductological" to see if it was a word and google was like, "nope, zero results, but did you mean 'SCATOLOGICAL'?" no i did not, google. sometimes i worry that consuming the entire internet has changed you, google.

T-Rex: Folks say you should learn a new word every day. At that rate, you'd need a language with 30,000 words in it! T-Rex: That's actually not that many so I guess we're good!! T-Rex: So today's Word Of The Day means "a process whereby bacterium incorporates foreign DNA brought in by a modified F factor during conjugation". Dromiceiomimus: Ah, the modified F factor. So desirable in a mate, yet so hard to pin down! T-Rex: I'm not 100% sure what you think the modified F factor is, Dromiceiomimus, but I WANT IN. Utahraptor: So we know the definition, but what's the word? T-Rex: Promise to use it at least once! Utahraptor: Okay, fine, I promise. T-Rex: The word is "SEXDUCTION". Utahraptor: Sexduction. T-Rex: I will also accept clustured words like "sexductive" and "sexductological". Narrator: LATER: Off panel: Boy, what a delicious yoghurt! I bet it was made with all sorts of sexduction. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...Okay so I was never even that into yoghurt in the first place but that tears it!

this is the comic that appeared in comics festival 2007! if you missed picking it up at free comic book day, then i have good news! your list of regrets is now one tiny entry shorter!

God: HOW CAN YOU GET MORE PEOPLE READING COMICS T-REX T-Rex: I don't know, God! T-Rex: ...Maybe by making them more awesome? God: THAT'S YOUR ANSWER TO EVERYTHING T-REX BUT COMICS ARE ALREADY EXCEPTIONALLY AWESOME T-Rex: This is true! I guess they still have a stigma attached to them, though, you know? The whole "comics are for emotionally stunted shutins" thing, which, WHILE TRUE, is misleading because comics are for everyone, INCLUDING emotionally stunted shutins! People just need to focus on the positive. Utahraptor: So your ad campaign would be "Forget your stereotypes: comics are rad!"? T-Rex: Maybe! T-Rex: I was thinking more "You know who reads comics? HORRIBLE MURDERERS." and then a picture of a horrible murderer, you know, maybe murderin' something, and THEN, in tiny letters, "and also you, hopefully!" and then maybe a line drawing of a soggy dog giving a thumbs up. Utahraptor: Wow. God: T-REX YOUR CAMPAIGN IS THE WORST AD CAMPAIGN EVER PROPOSED IN THE HISTORY OF TIME T-Rex (punchline): You're just jealous! God: DUDE I EVEN CHECKED THE EVIL ALTERNATE UNIVERSES TO MAKE SURE God: THEY JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW YOU SAW THE TV SPOTS GOING

t-rex is the worst lois lane ever

Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE DROMICEIOMIMUS HAS A SECRET SUPERHERO IDENTITY, BUT T-REX SERIOUSLY KEEPS BLABBING ABOUT IT TO PEOPLE: T-Rex: What a beautiful, crime-free, vigilante-filled day! T-Rex: Oh, hello, Dromiceiomimus! I hear you had a... SUPER day today? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, sshhh! Keep your voice down! T-Rex: Whoops, right! I gotcha. I will keep things "on the down low". It's our secret! Our secret IDENTITY! T-Rex: Our - our secret. Narrator: SCANT SECONDS LATER: Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! T-Rex: Hey! T-Rex: Hey, have you seen Dromiceiomimus today? I hear she's got a secret! A secret one might even classify as... "super"? Utahraptor: Are you saying what I think you're saying?! T-Rex: No, I'm just SUGGESTING that if a building falls on you, you might want to call her first. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): I seriously just can't stop blabbing about Dromiceiomimus's secret identity!

AAAHHHHH. also! i totally stole 'come bleed with us' from an organization promoting group menstruation

T-Rex: So! Life proceeds, despite the fact that I've got the freakiest neighbours ever. Who wants to live next door to sinister raccoons and cephalopods? T-Rex: Not me! T-Rex: The ONLY advantage I can think of is that it'll be cool on Hallowe'en. That's it! T-Rex: And that's not even much of an advantage, actually! T-Rex: Not even! Utahraptor: T-Rex, did you ever think that maybe they're just as scared of you as you are of them? T-Rex: Hah! Utahraptor: Seriously! You could be quite imposing to someone who doesn't know you! T-Rex: Man, these animals are WITHOUT FEAR. I don't see how acting like I'm not afraid will help things! Narrator: THAT NIGHT: Off panel: ARE YOU AFRAID OF US, NEIGHBOUR? T-Rex (punchline): No way dudes! Nothing you can say will scare me! Off panel: COME BLEED WITH US Off panel: COME BLEED WITH US, T-REX

t-rex is not telling the truth. in 1998, he was quite impressed with a flower that bloomed only once a year, and that smelled septic while doing so.

T-Rex: If I were to be reincarnated, I would like it to be as one of those big machines that eats smaller machines for an audience. Narrator: T-REX IN: REINCARNATION COMICS T-Rex: What? They're awesome. Narrator: BUT THEN! Utahraptor: Does reincarnation work on machines? T-Rex: What, you're going to shoot down my idea? Utahraptor: No, I've just never heard reincarnation including things that, you know - aren't alive. T-Rex: Some people believe that you can come back as plants! They're BARELY alive. Utahraptor: They support the entire food chain! T-Rex: BARELY. So barely! I've seriously never been impressed with a plant. Off panel: Even sunflowers? They tilt to follow the sun! T-Rex (punchline): Don't get me started about sunflowers. God! Their salty, boring seeds!

i'm a poetess and i don't know it-ess

T-Rex: It's not often you can see how language is evolving, but you can totally see it today with male and female nouns. T-Rex: It's the coolest! T-Rex: Some pairs (like "prince" and "princess") are completely accepted, while others (like "teacher" and "teacheress") seem insanely sexist and out of date. It depends on the word! Dromiceiomimus: Female teachers used to be called "teacheresses"? That's so bizarre! T-Rex: I know! But maybe one day people will think that about "princesses". Or MAYBE they'll wonder how we got by without the word "astronautrix"! T-Rex: The coolest of all these words, though, are clearly those on the threshold of acceptability. Utahraptor: Such as? T-Rex: Oh, "actress" and "stewardess", I guess - words which some people will use without hesitation, but which others will call sexist. There's no consensus! Utahraptor: Well, I can see the use of "actress", because usually the gender of the person affects what roles they can play. T-Rex: Looks like you've come down on the side of "gendered professional nouns have their occasional uses"! Off panel: Looks like! T-Rex: T- That's cool, man. T-Rex (punchline): Are we still friends?

the reason the responses are being read out loud is because t-rex is not one to build an email bot and forget the sbaitso circuits in his design

T-Rex: You know what? FINE. I'll be the guy they find dead in front of his TV ten years later. It actually sounds kinda awesome, and as the saying goes, "If you can't beat 'em, then you might as well die alone in front of a television set"! T-Rex: Pretty sure that's how the saying goes! Dromiceiomimus: How are you going to pull this off, T-Rex? T-Rex: It's surprisingly easy! Automatic payments for rent and utilities, a timer to turn the lights and TV on and off each day, and a robot vacuum that'll push any new mail away from my mail slot so it won't pile up! And my neighbours won't miss me, because I'll tell them this is but one of the MANY homes I keep. Utahraptor: Okay, but what about emails and other online communication? T-Rex: No problem! T-Rex: I'll be OLD, Utahraptor. The Eliza bot I'll hook up to my email should be at least as lucid as I'll be by then! People will get her responses and say "Huh! T-Rex sure has gotten good at responding to certain key phrases in my emails!" Utahraptor: I already say that. T-Rex: Super! Narrator: LATER: TESTING OUT THE ELIZA BOT! T-Rex: Alright! "T-Rex, how are you? From Utahraptor." Off panel: [small] "UTAHRAPTOR IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG. I AM DEFINITELY STILL ALIVE. LOL. IS YOUR MOTHER STILL WORKING AT THE LIBRARY?" T-Rex (punchline): That, um, worked surprisingly okay!

there are - there are several reasons.

T-Rex: Ghosts have got to be the saddest thing ever! They're dead people PLUS they're blind. T-Rex: That's right, I said it! Ghosts are blind! T-Rex: They HAVE to be, because they're invisible! And light needs to hit something to be seen, and if ghosts have transparent eyes they're not going to see anything. PLUS you can walk right through a ghost, so sound waves will pass through them too. They're deaf and blind most of the time, and when they do become a little visible, the world that fades into focus around them is filled with people screaming at them in terror. It's so sad! Utahraptor: You're picking apart the science of ghost senses, but accept the fact of their invisibility? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: Ghosts have to be invisible, at least part of the time - that's what makes them ghosts! But if you accept that, it's fun to try to see how ghostlike you can make them without making any FURTHER assumptions. Utahraptor: But our friend Zach is a ghost, and he's not blind OR deaf! T-Rex: [thinks] Aw, heck. T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] I hate being reminded about Zach

hey heraclitus, our time machine didn't work so let's come up with a philosophical theory of time so it's not our fault! GOOD IDEA BOYS

T-Rex: Today I believe in temporal presentism! Only the objects around me in any given moment are real. They exist in space, but not in time! T-Rex: Neither the past nor the future actually exists! T-Rex: Each moment is unique, and life is but series of moments, connected by our memories! We speak of events occurring in the past only as a matter of convenience. Utahraptor: So the past is an illusion, eh? T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: Yet we're having a conversation, and you remember what's going on! T-Rex: Aha, my friend! That's only because this present moment is predicated on past moments being as they were. Utahraptor: This is a stupid theory! It doesn't get you anything! T-Rex: It does explain why time travel isn't possible! You can't visit a past or future that doesn't exist! T-Rex: Th- T-Rex (punchline): That's pretty much it!

i propose that every friendship have an emergency phrase that carries the secret semantics of "this dickweed is making me lie to you, maybe he wants to kill me, I dunno". and YES, i am bringing back the word "dickweed"

T-Rex: Oh frig, you guys!! T-Rex: We don't have a duress phrase! T-Rex: If I'm being forced to do something against my will, I need some way to covertly communicate that to you, Dromiceiomimus! Right now all I can say is "There is a dude here making me do stuff, and I do NOT count him among my friends", but they'd probably pick up on that. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, you're huge! Who's going to force you to do anything? T-Rex: Um, ENEMIES?? Utahraptor: It IS pretty unlikely that you'd be made to call us under duress! T-Rex: Maybe! T-Rex (punchline): But having a phrase ready for such a situation would be SO AWESOME, USEFUL AND BADASS that we should have one anyway. Something unlikely to arouse suspicion, even in someone who knows us! Utahraptor: "Feed the chickens and the dog"? Utahraptor: ...We'd need to take up chicken husbandry, just to be safe. [no text]

when people are waiting for justin tehnikov time, he always shows up just before they're about to leave, and the people waiting are like, wow, he's a bit of a dick

T-Rex: I've decided to write a story about my own team of superheroes. That's right! They're called... T-Rex: The Incr-- The Fant- The Sweet Dudes! T-Rex: So far I've got four people on the team. The first is Justin Time, who has time-based powers! The second is Justin Case, who can control probability. The third is Chix Diggit, who is an attractive dude if I do say so myself, and the last member is Tim Foresnax, who can eat a lot if he wants to! They fight crime and prejudice and have romantic (mis)adventures. Utahraptor: This seems a little derivative, T-Rex! T-Rex: Nope! It is 100% my creation! Utahraptor: Come on! "Justin Case"? "Justin Time"? Those are old names that weren't that funny to begin with. T-Rex: Well, Justin Time goes by his middle name, Tehnikov, because having two Justins on the team would be confusing. Get it? T-Rex: Their names sound like common phrases that people might say sometimes! "Just in the nick of time"? Hee hee! T-Rex (punchline): It's pretty implausible that someone named "Justin Time" would end up having temporal powers though.

buttery ryoma

T-Rex: Today I am talking about the made-up disease "ryoma", and there are many kinds of ryoma one can contract! T-Rex: Festering ryoma, for instance! T-Rex: Eww! T-Rex: Creeping ryoma. T-Rex: Salacious ryoma! T-Rex: MEPHITIC OCULAR RYOMA. Utahraptor: Aw man, these all sound disgusting! T-Rex: I know! It's amazing! T-Rex: Ryoma doesn't even exist, and yet it's the most disgusting disease ever. Utahraptor: Hah, it really is! "Uvular ryoma". T-Rex (punchline): "As we kissed, I could taste the ryoma on her lips." Utahraptor: Hah hah! Gross! Off panel: "When I woke this morning, my thighs were slick with ryoma"! T-Rex and off panel: Ewww!

ultra-res ultraporn: we have ten years to make this happen

T-Rex: Who's been going around to websites saying "You'll engage readers when you end articles with a question"? Attention, websites that do this: I am going to say this as a friend, as a sassy friend who'll pull you aside and give you some REAL TALK. T-Rex: Honey! You look pathetic and desperate! Sound effect: *snap* T-Rex: You're walking up to a group of strangers and saying "Hey guys, I heard there's a sweet party at my house tonight. What do you think? Are you going to come? Let me know in the comments!" Dromiceiomimus: That analogy kinda - fell apart at the end there. T-Rex: That analogy kinda - needs to let people know that I've got some opinions! T-Rex: About websites! Utahraptor: This is sort of a first world problem, yes? T-Rex: Yes! Absolutely! T-Rex: But once you see it you can't unsee it. It's this new form of terrible, insecure, needy writing, and yet it's suddenly EVERYWHERE. Utahraptor: So don't read those websites! T-Rex: I'm not looking for logical solutions, Utahraptor! I look now only for SYMPATHY RAGE. Narrator: TEN YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Who's been going around saying "You'll engage readers when you end articles with ultra-res ultraporn"?? T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Yes, the future is indeed a strange and unusual place

some studies have shown that teaching basic sign language to babies before they learn to talk can both accelerate spoken language acquisition AND allow the baby to communicate before it's started talking, since talking is way is more demanding physically than moving your hands! THANKS SIGN LANGUAGE, NOW I WANT SOME KIDS

T-Rex: My stars, am I ever enamoured with sign language. You can speak with your hands! That's amazing! God: I LOVE SIGN LANGUAGE TOO T-Rex: Well! Then it's settled! T-Rex: I think the coolest thing about ASL, which is the sign language I know, is how you can place nouns in space. If I'm telling a story about my angry dog and my very sassy friend, I can make the sign for "dog" to my left, and "friend" to my right, and then when I want to apply adjectives to them, I just sign "angry" or "sassy" in the same physical space as the nouns! You can have nouns FLOATING AROUND YOU in conversation. How is that not the best thing EVER? T-Rex: Also, many of the signs are really evocative, so they're easy to remember! Utahraptor: Like what? T-Rex: Like - the sign for elbow is just pointing to your elbow, and the sign for child is patting the head of an imaginary child. For children you pat several heads! Utahraptor: Neat! T-Rex: I know! T-Rex (punchline): Um - I have nothing bad to say about sign language, the end!

and the worst part is: you didn't even have anyone over last night!!

T-Rex: Aw geez. Okay. T-Rex: The sender of this card is REALLY SORRY. Narrator: I HEARD YOU HAVING SEX LAST NIGHT Narrator: a web card T-Rex: The sender of this card wants you to know they couldn't help listening in. The sound was, like - everywhere. And the sender of this card is still thinking about it the next day, enough to send you this web card. But let's not make things "weird", okay? Let's ALL just get past this. Dromiceiomimus: Wouldn't the very act of sending this card make things weird? T-Rex: IMPOSSIBLE Utahraptor: Yeah, the rules are that you pretend you didn't hear! Then you NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN. T-Rex: Maybe it keeps happening ! T-Rex: Maybe the sender of this card knows every time it happens because it's like a radio broadcast they can't turn off, only the radio is broadcasting moans and groans and "I'm sorry"s and "Bombs away!"s. Utahraptor: ... T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR I COULD HEAR IT AND I WASN'T EVEN IN THE SAME HOUSE AS THE SENDER OF THIS CARD T-Rex: Anyway, dear loud sexin' recipient of this card! LIKE, EVERYONE HEARD YOU T-Rex (punchline): ...Not sure what else there is to say really, check yourself before you wreck yourself

EINSTEIN PREDICTED THE EXISTENCE OF ANTI-DOLLARS IN A LITTLE-KNOWN PAPER IN 1945! IT WAS OVERSHADOWED BY ATOMIC BOMB FEVER

Narrator: ONE DAY: T-Rex: That's it - I'll sell naked pictures of myself online! For PROFITS! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you'll bid on naked pictures of me, right? For profits? Dromiceiomimus: No thanks! I don't see why I would bid on them when I can see you naked, for free, right now. T-Rex: FIRST OFF: whatever! And second off: what if I died and you wanted pictures? Utahraptor: Hey, can I bid some ANTI-DOLLARS on your pictures? T-Rex: No! Utahraptor: Because if so, put me down for one million anti-dollars! T-Rex: I have ALREADY SPECIFIED that anti-dollars are not allowed to be bid in my auction. Utahraptor: Man, I'm bidding anti-dollars! Narrator: SCIENCE CORNER: T-Rex: Do anti-dollars really mutually annihilate when combined with regular dollars? T-Rex (punchline): Science says, "yes!"

utahraptor i don't even need you around to have a stimulating conversation, greater than colon pipe

T-Rex: Today is the day that I apologize to my girlfriends. To my first few girlfriends, anyway! T-Rex: Pretty sure I wasn't that great a boyfriend, ladies!! T-Rex: In my defence: I was new, I didn't know what I was doing, and I'd seen a lot of movies. Dromiceiomimus: Ouch. T-Rex: I know!! Whoever writes movies has clearly never been in a relationship before! Dromiceiomimus: Movies... are actually written by many people? T-Rex: Well someone needs to get them ALL into mature, adult relationships then! Like, yesterday! Utahraptor: What'd you do that was so bad? T-Rex: So much, Utahraptor! T-Rex: I thought dramatic displays were preferable to genuine feelings; I believed stalkery behaviour was cool when it's from the person you're destined to be with. I - I woke up this morning with the regrets. Utahraptor: Well, you're older and wiser now. T-Rex: Yeah, but I wasn't then!! T-Rex: There's like four girlfriends trapped in the past with a sucky boyfriend. We've got to go back and help them, colon close-bracket! T-Rex: And FYI, I'm experimenting with emoticons in oral media, not with naming parts of my digestive tract. T-Rex (punchline): ...That's a good idea too though

sometimes i feel like i don't know my friends, audio diary.

T-Rex: Some people do not cherish awkward moments as I do. Luckily for them, I have come up with a solution! T-Rex: The solution, as in most things, is smooching! T-Rex: Awkward moments are awkward because nobody knows what to do or say. But if you swoop in for a kiss, it's no longer an awkward moment! You've avoided it entirely by transitioning it into a moment of "OH GREAT WHAT THE HECK NOW I HAVE TO SLAP THIS PERSON FOR THEIR UNWANTED ADVANCES" or even a moment of "OH GREAT WHAT THE HECK NOW THEY LOVE ME TOO" Dromiceiomimus: I feel like you haven't thought this out, T-Rex. Dromiceiomimus: I - I really do. Utahraptor: My friend, if you're going to be doing that much kissing, you'd better brush up a bit on it! T-Rex: WHAT? Utahraptor: I'm serious! If you kiss someone and it's a sucky kiss, that just escalates the awkward moment! And I don't mean to brag, but I'm a pretty great kisser. One time I kissed a guy and he said, UNSOLICITED, that it was the best kiss he'd ever had. T-Rex: Seriously? Can you teach me? T-Rex: With - words? Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Nobody even noticed how I made my examples of the awkward moment kiss gender neutral! T-Rex (punchline): It's so you can imagine a man slapping a woman after an unwanted kiss, and then you get to examine your ideas of gender roles and heteronormativity

t-rex last tried to get a vision of tomorrow on december 30th 2005, which also failed but in a different way; i think, like most of us, he is having bad luck with the whole visions of tomorrow thing.

T-Rex: I wonder what the future holds for me! Looks like it's time for another terrifying... T-Rex: VISION OF TOMORROW! T-Rex: ...VISION OF TOMORROW... T-Rex: ...Vision of Tomorrow... Dromiceiomimus: Is there a verb for making your own echos? It seems like there should be a verb for making your own echos. T-Rex: ...vision of tomorrow.... Utahraptor: Hey, how's setting yourself up for a vision of tomorrow going? T-Rex: Not so well! T-Rex: I've dramatically echoed as hard as I can, but it seems I'm destined not to move ahead in time faster than my usual rate of one second per second. Utahraptor: I guess we'll find out what the future holds when we get there. T-Rex: I just want a peek! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): This doesn't count.

where ARE they guys

T-Rex: I think that I have a few friends, "Super Friends", if you will, that I'll keep in touch with no matter what happens, and they with me. It comforts me to think this! Narrator: T-REX AND HIS SUPER FRIENDS T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you are one such super friend! I can see us getting together years from now, after we all drift apart, and still being able to pick up from where we left off. We'd email once or twice a year and that would be all it would take to maintain our super friendship. Dromiceiomimus: Aww! I agree! Utahraptor: You're one of MY super friends, T-Rex! T-Rex: And you're one of mine, of course! T-Rex: Sweet! We're all friends, and super friends at that, which I guess really just goes to show you that you don't need conflict to drive a narrative. Utahraptor: What narra- T-Rex: THE NARRATIVE OF LIFE. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX WATCHES THIS OTHER T-REX'S LIFE ON TV: T-Rex (punchline): where are the knockers