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alpaca_1k_jokes

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[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.\"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.\"The minister said, \"Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?\"My uncle responded, \"No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two mathematicians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but not to worry, there were three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, the pilot again came over the intercom. He announced that a second engine failed, and while they still had two left, it would now take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the intercom buzzed again, and the pilot announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one mathematician turned to the other and said, \"You realize that if we lose that last engine we'll be up here forever!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A biologist, a psychologist, and a mathematician were sitting in a bar drinking coffee.Across the street, they watch as 2 people walk into the house, and then 3 people come out.\"They must have reproduced!\" cries the biologist.\"It can't be physically done!\" cries the psychologist.\"You guys are both wrong\" says the mathematician. \"Now there are negative one person in the house." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, \"Man, Its getting hot in here.\"The other sausage screams and says, \"AH! A talking sausage!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Gravy Ladle In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered... After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, \"Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?\" The pastor said, \"Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter.\" So he wrote, \"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner.\" The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows, \"Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed... you would have found the gravy ladle by now!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, \"Oh, God! Help me!\" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, \"I thought you didn't believe in Me!\" \"Come on God, give me a break!!,\" the man pleaded. \"Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but the she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says \"No, my father said I don't have to do this.\" Her husband says OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. \"I've never been better!\" he boasted. \"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?\" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, \"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.\" The doctor continued, \"So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.\" \"And do you know what happened?\" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied \"No\". The doctor continued, \"The bear dropped dead in front of him!\" \"That's impossible!\" exclaimed the old man. \"Someone else must have shot that bear.\" \"That's kind of what I'm getting at...\" replied the doctor." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off , when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog sits in the middle with a seat all to himself.The first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne, and I set him to work.Eventually, the plane takes off and when it levels out the handler says to the first manWatch this. He tells the dog\"Rover, search\". The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle to the back of the plane and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handlersarm. He says \"Good boy\", and turns to the first man and says,That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note ofthis, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival. Fantastic! replies the first man. Once again the man says to the dog \"Rover search\".This time he sent the dog down to the front of their plane.The dogsniffs about,sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and placesboth paws on the handlers arm He says \"Good boy\", and turns to the first man and says, That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and theseat number. That's marvellous, I never seen anything like it! says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat and this time craps all over the place.The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks What the bloody hell is going on? The handler replies \"Oh god, He's just found a bomb!!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\" The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\" The second bull is to be sold: \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\" Again the wife bugs her husband, \"Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!\" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!\" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, \"Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple are coming back from their holidays and they're trying to work out how they're going to smuggle the Skunk they picked up for a very reasonable price at Skunks-R-Us through Customs. The husband suddenly comes up with an idea. He turns to his wife and says \"Put it down the front of your knickers\".The wife looks shocked and asks \"What about the smell?\"\"Well,\" exclaimes the husband \"If it dies, it dies!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An elderly man and his wife showed up at a doctors office for an appointment for the old man. Once in the office,the doctor tells the old man he needs a urine sample, as stool sample, and a sperm sample. Now the old man, being hard of hearing asks his wife,\"What, what did he say?\" At which time his wife yells in his ear, \"He wants to see your underwear\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, \"I built a big house for our mother.\" The second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\" The third smiled and said, \"I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well.So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. Ittook elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind.Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.\" Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: \"Milton,\" she wrote one son, \"The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\" \"Gerald,\" she wrote to another, \"I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!\" \"Dearest Fred,\" she wrote to her third son, \"You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There are three blondes walking through the woods, and they come upon a set of tracks.The first blonde says \"Those are deer tracks.\"The second blonde says \"No, those are bear tracks.\"The third blonde says \"You are both wrong, those are moose tracks.\"Then the get hit by a train." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Irish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. \"What's up ?\" he says. \"I'm having a heart attack\", cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4 year old son comes up and says, \"Daddy, Daddy, Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on !\" The guy slams down the phone and storms upstairs into the bedroom past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there's his brother, totally naked cowering on the wardrobe floor. \"You bastard\", says the husband, \"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he began to flail about as he tried to speak. Being unable to do so, he then motioned frantically for something to write on. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, \"Do you have something you would like to say?\" Fred nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. \"I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note, and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside.\" Gathering his last ounce of strength, Fred took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. \"You know,\" he said, \"Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.\" He unfolded the note and proceeded to read aloud, \"YOU'RE STANDING ON THE OXYGEN TUBE!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife \"Mother of Six\" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?\" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretionshouts back... \"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a \"code\" to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: \"MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE\" Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: \"Satisfaction to the last drop...\" So, Mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: \"ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES\". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: \"FULL SIZE, KING SIZE\" And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: \"BRITISH AIRWAYS\" And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: \"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man moved to an unfamaliar area and was very lonely.So he decides to buy some pets.He went walking into town and noticed a man selling chickens.He went up to the man and said: \"I'll take one hen and one rooster.\" The man gladly sold him the birds but warned: \"Sure sir, but just be advised we call them cocks and pullets around here, not roosters and hens.\" The man joyfully left with his two new pets and decided to buy one more.So he came up to a man selling donkeys. \"I'll take that donkey\" he said, pointing a particularly healthy looking donkey. \"Sure sir, but first of all we call them asses around here, not donkeys, and this particular one is pecuilar.She will stop walking after a while, but if she does, just scratch her on the back and she will start back up again.\" So the man bought the donkey and went on his way home.Sure enough, the donkey stopped walking after a while.The man had his hands full with the birds, so he couldn't scratch her.Luckily, a woman walked by.The man looked at her and smiled saying: \"Will you please hold my cock and pull it while I scratch my ass!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Englishman, a New Zealander and a South African walk into a bar for a drink. The Kiwi orders a round of Tequila Slammers for the group.They slam and down their drinks in one.The Kiwi then picks the glasses up in one hand and throws them in the air. He draws a pistol and shoots the three glasses before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks \"Why did you do that?\"The Kiwi replies that because they have so much sand in New Zealand it's easy making glasses so they never have to use the same one twice.The South African then orders three Tequila Slammers and they each slam and down their drink.The South African then picks the glasses up, throws them in the air, draws his gun and shoots them before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks why he did it and like the Kiwi explains that there is so much sand in South Africa that glass can be easily made which means never having to drink out of the same glass twice.So the Englishman orders three Tequila Slammers. Each one duly is slammed and downed. The Englishman then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi and the South African.A man runs up and asks \"Why the hell did you shoot them?\" He replies \"Well I'm from Earls Court where there are thousands of 'em. So it means I never have to drink with the same ones twice.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, \"Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.\" Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, \"Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.\" Well, a couple of days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asked him why he was leaving and the boy said, \"Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.Freddie says \"I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be\"\"Pretty good, Fred\" said St Peter, \"what about you Gianni?\"Versace says, \"I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place\"\"Not bad\" says St Peter. \"What about you Di?\"Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.\"Excellent, you're in\" says St Peter\"Hold on a f*cking minute\" says Freddie \"She didn't even say anything\"\"Bo!!ocks, Fred you know the rules\" says St Peter, \"A royal flush beats a pair of Queens every time....\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An American couple was sitting outside a souvenir shop in the desert, waiting for their tour bus. A local salesman approached them. After an impassioned sales pitch yielded no results, the salesman eyed the wife thoughtfully. \"I'll give you 100 camels for your wife,\" he offered. The husband looked stunned, and there was an awkward silence. Finally he replied, \"She's not for sale.\" \"What took you so long to answer?\" the wife cried indignantly as soon as the salesman left. \"Well,\" her husband replied, \"I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little colour for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburned on his\"tool of trade\". Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young Man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused, went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief from his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his unit immersed in a glass of milk. Baffled, the blonde exclaimed, \"So, THAT'S how you load those things!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde had just bought two horses but she couldn’t tell them apart. She went and asked a neighbour for some help \"I can't tell these horses apart\" she said.The neighbour told her to cut the tail of one of them off. So the blonde cut off the tail, and that worked great until the other one got it's tail cut off too. So, the blonde goes and tells the neighbour \"I can’t tell them apart again!”.Well says the neighbour “Try cutting off the tip of one of the horses ears.” So the blonde cuts off the tip of the ear. That also worked great until the other one got a part of it's ear cut off. The Blonde goes back to the neighbour and tells him what happened. The neighbour says well measure them that will work for sure. It worked a treat since the white one was 6 inches taller than the black one!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at herand says,\"Kin ya swaller?\" The woman shakes herhead, no. \"Kin ya breathe?\" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the backof her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboywalks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, \"Ya know, I'd heard of that there \"Hind Lick maneuver\", but I ain't never seen nobody do it before.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "On the local rock radio station the DJ was reading out some requests. \"This is a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's one hundred and eleven!\" Puzzled by how someone could be that old and listening to rock music, he re-read the message on the sheet of paper in front of him, and then said \"Oh, sorry, I read that wrong; it's a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's ill.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A nerdy-looking fellow shuffled timidly into the sales manager's office. \"I don't suppose you want to buy any life insurance?\" he asked hesitantly. \"No, I don't.\" \"That's what I figured. Well, thanks anyway.\" And he turned and made gratefully for the door. \"Hang on a sec, young man,\" the executive called out. \"You know, I've worked with salespeople all my life, and I have to say that was the most pathetic sales pitch I've ever encountered. You have to have confidence, my boy. Shoulders back, look the customer in the eye, believe in yourself! In fact, just to give you a little boost, I'll give you a sale right now. Write me up for that policy after all.\" \"Thank you, sir, ever so much,\" said the salesman gratefully, presenting him with the papers. The sales manager signed with a flourish. \"And now that you're feeling more confident, you should learn some tricks of the trade.\" \"Quite right sir, good idea,\" said the salesman, grinning; \"Always useful. Actually, the one I used just now is for sales managers.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A budding actor: \"Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years.\" Father: \"That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An architect, an artist and an Accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.The Accountant guy said \"I like both.\"\"Both?\" The others asked. The Accountant guy replied \"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\" The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\" The second bull is to be sold: \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\" Again the wife bugs her husband, \"Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!\" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!\" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, \"Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A duck walks into a bar and says, \"Got any bread?\" The barman says \"No.\" The duck says,\"Got any bread?\" The barman says \"NO!\" \"Got any bread?\" \"I said N-O, NO!\" \"Got any bread?\" \"For crying out loud - N-O spells NO, and I mean NO!\" \"Got any bread?\" \"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO\" \"Got any bread?\" \"Look, if you ask me one more f**king time if I have got any bread, I'm going to nail your f**king beak to the f**king bar!\" \"Got any nails?\" \"No\" \"Got any bread?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Jewish man moved into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically went crazy. While they were eating fish, the Jew was in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics finally decided to try and convert the Jew to Christianity. Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Jew to a priest who sprinkled holy water on him and said, \"Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.\" The Catholics were ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening! But the following Friday, the scent of barbecued steak wafted through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rushed to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They found him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipped in a glass of water. He sprinkled water over the meat, saying, \"Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two men are standing before a judge. Both men were arrested on the same day and given the assignment to devise a program to prevent others from committing crimes. After spending two days in jail they were ask to present their ideas to the judge.The first man holds up a poster displaying two circles,one smaller than the other. He points to the small circle and says, \"This is the amount of citizens who do not commit crimes. Then, pointing to the larger circle he explains \"This is the amount that do. I will tell people if they commit crimes they will have to endure an overcrowded jail.\"The second man grabs the poster and pointing to the smaller circle says, \"I'll tell men this is your butt before jail.\"Then he points to the large circle saying.\"This is it after.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three ducks go to heaven.The first duck waddles up to St. Peter and St. peter asks \"What happened, you know, how did you die?\" The duck replies, \"I was just minding my own buisness, floatin' along in the water, i stuck my head under, started blowin' bubbles and a boat ran over my back.\" St. Peter lets him into heaven. The second duck walks up and St peter asks the duck the same question, \"What happened?\" The duck replies, \"Same thing here, i was just minding my ouwn buisness, floatin' in the water, stuck my head under the water, started blowin' bubbles, then a boat runs over my back.\" St. Peter lets him into heaven. The third duck walks up and St. Peter asks, \"Let me guess, a boat ran you over?\" The duck shakes his head and replies, \"Nope, I'm Bubbles\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, \"It's not a ship.\" The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, \"It's not a boat.\" The speck gets even closer and he thinks, \"It's not a raft.\" Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, \"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?\". \"Ten years!\" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, \"Man, oh man! Is that good!\" Then she asks, \"How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?\". He replies, \"Ten years!\" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, \"Wow, that's fantastic!\" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, \"And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?\" And the man replies, \"My God! Don't tell me you've got an internet connection in there!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she spoke about her problem with a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, \"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.\" \"That doesn't matter,\" replied the blonde, \"as long as I can sell the car.\" \"Okay,\" said the brunette. \"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be problem to sell it anymore.\" The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, \"Did you sell your car?\" \"No,\" replied the blonde, \"why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free.\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.\" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, \"We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realised that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\" And the gentleman answered, \"Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears.\"Merv got very angry and threw him out.The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\" and she replied: \"Well, you have no ears.\"Merv again was upset and tossed her out.The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:\"Do you notice anything different about me?\" And to his surprise, the young man answered: \"Yes. You wear contact lenses.\" Merv was shocked, and said, \"What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?\"The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, \"Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man goes to his doctor complaining of bad headaches.His doctor says, \"We just got this new machine.You take a urine sample and feed it into the machine, and it tells you everything that is wrong with you.\" Thinking this is pretty amazing, the man gives a sample and the doctor feeds it into the machine.It spits out a piece of paper, which the doctor reads.\"According to this, you have tennis elbow.\" \"But there's nothing wrong with my elbow,\" the man replies. \"It's my head\". The doctor gives him a specimen cup and tells him to bring in a new sample the next day, and they will try again. When he gets home, the man is angry and thinks to himself, \"I'll show that doctor.\" So he takes the dipstick from his car and puts some oil in the cup.When his wife and daughter get home, he has each of them urinate in the cup, then he finishes by The next day he goes back to the doctor and hands him the specimen.The doctor feeds it into the machine, then reads the printout. \"Well, what does it say?\", the man asks,laughing. \"According to this,\"the doctor replies,\"your car needs an oil change, your wife has crabs, your daughter is pregnant, and your tennis elbow won't get better if you keep" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, \"Your first job will be to sweep out the store.\"\"But I'm a college graduate,\" the young man replied indignantly.\"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that,\" said the manager. \"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A wife was complaining to her husband, about how less fortunate she was with her breast size. She wanted bigger boobs. Her husband simply replied: \"Rub some toliet paper on your chest, it worked with your butt\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to 'work late' and she said, 'no problem.' After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife? He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Ispired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed,' Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!'His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, 'That's nothing, look at what he did to my breasts!'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He said, \"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she did, and said, 'These are too big,I can't wear them.'So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will.'Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.\" \"Hmmm,\" said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try, so on his honeymoon, Jack took off his trousers and said to Jill, \"Here, try these on.\" So she did and said, \"These are too large, they don't fit me.\" So Jack said,\"Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that.\" Then Jill took off her knickers and handed them to Jack and said, \"Here, you try on mine. \"So he did, and said, \"I can't get into your pants.\" So Jill said, \"Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to \"Where do pets come from?\" Adam and Eve said, \"Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.\" And God said, \"No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.\" And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, \"Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.\" And God said, \"No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.\" And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and as a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, \"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.\" And God said, \"No problem!I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.\" And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them.And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was this couple who always had sex for twenty years with the light off. So one night the wife says lets have sex with the light on. The husband says \"tomorrow night honey\". That night the wife turns the light on and sees her husband using a cucumber to pleasure her. she screams \"You've been using that thing for twenty years, explain it to me.\" So the husband says \"I will as soon as you explain how we have 4 children!!!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This young boy was playing with a dew worm in the yard.His grandfather watching on the porch, yells out to his grandson:\"I'll give you $5 if you can shove that worm back into the hole\".The boy grabs the slimy, slinky worm and tries to shove it in the hole. After about 5 minutes, the boy runs inside to get a can of hair spray. The young boy sprays the worm stiff, and sticks it in the hole without a problem.The grandfather, amazed, gives the boy a clean crisp 5 dollar bill.The next day, the grandfather goes over to the grandson and hands him another 5 dollar bill, to which the boy enquires \"What's this 5 dollar bill for\"?The grandfather replies, \"Your grandma though it was a pretty good trick too!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. \"Hello?\" says the little girl's voice. \"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,\" says John. \"Is Mommy near the phone?\" \"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.\" After a brief pause, John says, \"But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!\" \"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!\" \"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house.\" \"Okay, Daddy!\" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. \"Well, I did what you said, Daddy.\" \"And what happened?\" \"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.\" \"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?\" \"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.\" There is a long pause................ \"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?”" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend \" My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.\"The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said \" Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. \"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown.\" The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. \"Well, how is that duck of yours?\" the Doctor inquires. \"He's dead.\" declared the heartbroken man. \"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?\" insisted the Doctor. \"No.\" lamented the man. \"I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There were three women speeding dowm a country road. One was a brunette, another a redhead, and the third a blonde. A cop saw them speeding and put on his siren. The three girls pulled over, got out of the car and each climbed up a different tree to hide.The cop pulled over and tried to find them. He came to the tree where the brunette was and shook it. The brunette said \"CAW! CAW!\" \"Oh it must be a crow.\" he thought.Next he came to the tree where the redhead was hiding.\"Tweet tweet!\" she said. \"Oh it must be a sparrow\" he thought.Then he came to the tree where the blonde was hiding.The cop shook the tree and the response was \"Moooo!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, \"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it\" A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, \"Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!\" The young man waited a moment and replied, \"You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.\" His father replied, \"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Walking his blonde date to the front door, Keith said to her, \"Will I see you pretty soon?\"\"What's the matter,\" she asked, hurt. \"Don't you think I'm pretty now?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise, took his shotgun downstairs, and pointed the gun at the burglar. He then said gently, \"Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot. \"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blowhard Air Force major was promoted to colonel and received a brand-new office. His first morning behind the desk, an airman knocked on the door and asked to speak to him. After telling him to come in, the colonel felt an urge to impress the young airman, so he picked up his phone and said, \"Yes, General, I'll get that to the President immediately. Goodbye, sir. \"Then, turning to the airman, he barked, \"Now what do you want?\"\"Nothing important,\" the airman said, \"I just came to install the telephone. \"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Flight attendant: I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Jones, but we accidentaly left your wife back in Chicago. Man: Thank goodness!I thought I was going deaf!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. \"In English,\" he said, \"A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. \"A voice from the back of the room piped up, \"Yeah, right. \"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": ">A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. \"The cup holder on my computer broke!I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!\"The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him. . . he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. \"Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it. . . \"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. \"Who is it?\"\"Blind man,\" came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, \"Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Professor: If there are any idiots in the classroom, please stand up. There was a long pause, then a lone freshman stood up in the back. Professor: So you consider yourself an idiot?Freshman: Well, not exactly. I just hated seeing you being the only one standing." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There once was a very happy truck driver that was eating in a diner at night. Three motorcyclists came and and proceeded to pick on the truck driver by pouring pepper and salt all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. The truck driver didn't do anything, just stood up, paid his check, and left the diner. \"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter,\" said one of the cyclists. The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, \"He doesn't seem like much of a driver either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles. \"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Newsboy: Extra, extra!Read all about it-two men swindled. Man:Give me one. Say, there isn't anything about two men being swindled. Newsoy: Extra, extra!Three men swindled." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, \"This bill is one year old. \"By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: \"Happy Birthday. \"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Well, we accidentally amputated the wrong leg. Patient: What's the good news?Doctor: It turns out that your other leg didn't need to be amputated at all." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde wearing a brown wig walks in a store and says to an employee \"I'd like to buy that TV\". The employee replies \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\", and the blonde leaves the store. The next day, the same blonde walks in wearing a red wig. She says \"I wish to buy that TV\", to which the employee replies again \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\". The blonde leaves the store. . . The next day, the same blonde walks in the store, with her hair dyed in black. She says \"I would like to buy that TV\". The employee replies again \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\". The blonde is totally confused and asks the man, \"I'm sorry, but I've worn a red and brown wig, and now I dyed my hair black, how did you know I am a blonde?\". \"Well\", says the man, \"that's not a TV, it's a microwave. \"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, \"Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator. \" \"That's not so bad,\" said the doctor. \"It's a rather harmless complex. \" \"Well, maybe,\" replied the lady. \"But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake along with the chillness. \"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, \"Absolutely brilliant…lovely…oh, a fine fellow…a genius, Mozart was. \"The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, \"Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to South Padre Island. \"There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, \"We're leaving right now. \"In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, \"You're really mad about something aren't you?\"\"How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to South Padre Island, huh? Everybody knows that the No. 5 Bus doesn't go to South Padre Island!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, \"Count to ten, then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up. \"The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, \"I'll bet that truck won't be there either!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. \"Sid,\" asked Al, \"Are there any Jews in China?\" \"I don't know,\" Sid replied. \"Why don't we ask the waiter?\" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, \"Are there any Chinese Jews?\" \"I don't know sir, let me ask,\" the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, \"No, sir. No Chinese Jews. \"\"Are you sure?\" Al asked. \"I will check again, sir. \" the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, \"I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere. \" When the waiter returned he said, \"Sir, no Chinese Jews. \"\"Are you really sure?\" Al asked again. \"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews. \"\"Sir, I ask everyone,\" the waiter replied exasperated. \"We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two rednecks had just gone fishing and brought in the largest amount of fish they had ever seen. One said to the other, \"Did you mark the place where the fishing was so good?\"\"Yes, I put an X on the side of the boat. \"\"You idiot. That if we were gonna take a different boat next time?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, \"What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?\" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, \"Mister, what's your name?\" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, \"You tell me buddy! You tell me!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A village blacksmith working at his open forge hammering a white-hot horeshoe had just finished the shoe and thrown it on the ground to cool. A real wanna-be redneck walked in at just that moment. He picked up the horseshoe and fumbled with it while howling in pain. He then dropped it and tried to regain his composure. \"Pretty hot, eh?\" asked the blacksmith with a chuckle. \"Naw,\" said the redneck. \"It just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe. \"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex and the mom was jumpin all over the dad.So the next day the little boy asks his mom what she was doing. She replies with \"Honey, I was jumping because Daddy is fat and needs to lose weight.\"The little boy said \"But Mommy, that won't work because every morning the lady next door comes over and blows him back up!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, \"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered.\" \"I think librarians are the easiest,\" said the second. \"When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically.\" The third surgeon said, \"I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded.\" \"You're all wrong,\" said, the fourth. \"Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, \"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.\" The teacher answered quickly, \"That would be the Titanic.\" St.Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: \"How many people died on the ship?\" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, \"1,228.\" \"That's right!\" St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. \"Name them.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, \"I can't talk, please help me!\" The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, \"Put your member on the table here.\" Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' member with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, \"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\" Then the doctor says, \"Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their \"freedom.\" As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, \"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An American and North Korean are bragging about their countries.The American says \"In my country, our technology is so good that we know who will win an election two hours before the polls close!\"The North Korean doesn't blink and says \"Well in my country we know who will win two years before the polls close.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. \"I'm afraid I have some very bad news,\" the doctor says. \"You're dying, and you don't have much time left.\" \"Oh, that's terrible!\" says the man. \"How long have I got?\" \"Ten,\" the doctor says sadly. \"Ten?\" the man asks. \"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!\" \"Nine...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty. \"You have been sentenced to death,\" said the Chief, \"but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests.\" The cowboy thought for a minute and said, \"Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse.\" \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her. \"Second wish,\" said the Chief. \"I'll need my horse again,\" said the cowboy. \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before. \"This is your last wish,\" said the Chief, \"make it a good one.\" \"I'll need my horse again.\" \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's. \"You stupid horse, I said POSSE!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man.When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.After awhile he turned to her and asked \"You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?\"The lady replied \"Of course I do.It is the Bible.\"He said \"Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?She replied \"Oh, Jonah.Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.He asked \"Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?\"The lady said \"Well I don't really know.I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.\"\"What if he isn't in heaven?\" the man asked sarcastically.\"Then you can ask him.\"replied the lady." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You may be a redneck if:Your porch collapses and more than six dogs dieYou mow your lawn and find a carYou consider a family reunion as a chance to meet \"Ms. Right\"You grab your boots a jacket and a flashlight to go to the bathroomYour idea of \"safe sex\" is locking the car door" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Seven Dwarfs Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says,\"Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!\" Everyone gets all excited and chants, \"We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.\" The next day, they're all standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six.All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, \"Go ahead,Dopey, ask him, ask him!\" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, \"Do you have a question to ask me, young man?\"Dopey looks up shyly and says, \"Well, yes.\" The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, \"Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?\"The Pope replies, \"Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska.\"The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, \"Askhim the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!\" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, \"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?\"To which the Pope replies, \"Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.\"Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, \"Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!\" The Pope asks Dopey, \"Is there still more to your question?\"To which Dopey replies, \"Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?\"The startled Pope replies, \"Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.\"At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, \"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner \"Mom & Pop\" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. \"Oh, no laundry,\" the boy said, \"I'm going to wash my dog.\" \"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.\"But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.\"Oh, he died,\" the boy said.The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, \"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.\" \"Well,\" the boy replied, \"I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.\"\"Oh? What was it then?\"\"I think it was the spin cycle!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In the days of old sailing ships the captain of the Seahawk went out on deck to get some fresh air, when from above a cry came down from the crow's nest: \"Enemy ship off the port bow!\" The captain said to the ensign standing next to him, \"Get me my red shirt. \" A battle ensued and the Seahawk prevailed. Two weeks later the captain was again on deck when another cry came from the crow's nest, \"Two enemy ships off the starboard bow!\" The captain again says to the ensign, \"Get me my red shirt. \" After the battle was won the ensign asked the captain why he tells him to get his red shirt. The captain said that if he is wounded and the blood begins to flow the crew will not see that he was injured and keep on fighting. The crew overheard this and was proud to have such a brave captain leading them. A week later another cry came from the crow's nest, \"TEN enemy ships approaching!\" The captain said to his ensign, \"Get me my brown pants!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. \"But officer,\" the man began, \"I can explain.\" \"Just be quiet,\" snapped the officer. \"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.\" \"But, officer, I just wanted to say,\" \"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!\" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, \"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.\" \"Don't count on it,\" answered the fellow in the cell. \"I'm the groom.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Computer Terms 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete - Any computer you own. Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say \"Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.\" Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, \"Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.\" Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced \"gooey\") Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, \"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?\" The third fellow says \"I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.\" The first two guys were amazed. \"What happened then?\" they asked. \"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly Gates together. \"Oh, this is terrible,\" exclaims St. Peter, \"I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, \"Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back.\" Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, \"Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one.\" Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later... \"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?' The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!' The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?' The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!' This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?' The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!' The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?' 'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man takes his dog to the Vet and says, \"Doctor, I think my dog is dead.\" The Vet told him to put the dog on the table and then left the room. Soon he came back with a cat. The cat sniffed the dogs ears, his nose and then walked all over him. The Vet said \"Yep, your dog is dead. That will be $500 and 35 dollars.\" The man said, \"$500 and 35 dollars! What for?\" The Vet said, \"$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news,\" the doctor told his anxious patient. \"You only have six months to live.\" The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. \"I can't possibly pay you in that time.\" \"Okay,\" the doctor said, \"let's make it nine months.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, \"I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. \"What is it?\" yells the President. \"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?\" the aide asks. \"Just go ahead and pay it.\" responds the President." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said \"Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...\". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, \"... but they probably weren't veterinarians\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, \"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.\" The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, \"So, what's the catch?\"" } ]