Datasets:

Rejekts

/

alpaca_1k_jokes

like 0

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Like every other techie, I couldn't wait to get my hands on the just released, state-of-the-art, 64-bit, 128 mega-RAM, 48x, 24/7, in your face, out of your control Microself Windows 2001. Yes, that was me at the front of the line in our local Get-a-Life Software store, waiting, waiting, for the moment when the future went on sale. And now that the future is installed in my computer, there's no looking back. To be truthful, I don't use computers. They use me. They use me as a portal between the glittering new world of information and the mundane world where ordinary people have to eat and talk and sometimes be sad. Computers use my nimble fingers to unlock their codes, releasing raw information into the ether. Taking my mission as seriously as I do, I wanted the most up-to-the-second tool on the market. And that's why, the day after I installed Windows 2001, I was back at Get-a-Life buying the upgrade, Windows 2001, version 2.0. With Windows 2001 2.0, I don't process information. I download it into my body. Using Windows' revolutionary US-ME serial port installed in my navel, I plug myself into my computer. Like the umbilical cord that fed me when I was mere flesh, the US-ME cable feeds raw data straight into my bloodstream. There it flows until it reaches the central processing unit I used to call my brain. And there, Windows' revolutionary Brain Bot - a tiny microchip embedded in my cerebrum -- turns that raw data into wisdom that makes me smarter, richer, and so much wiser than the rest of you. Did you know that the capital of Uganda is Kampala? That Soupy Sales had a lion puppet named Pookie? That the square root of 3 is 1.732? And that today's kids will spend 23 years of their lives on the Internet swimming through vital data like this? O, it's a changing world, my friend. When you leave your Silicon Valley job for two weeks of R & R, take a cruise to Antarctica, step onto an ice floe and see penguins crowded around a laptop checking out The Weather Channel, get worried! But I'm not worried, I'm wired. Wired to the upgraded upgrade I bought last weekend. Windows 2001 3.0 is the one with HandPrint, the printer driver that drives my digital age. Using HandPrint, I don't need an ordinary printer. I just click a button on my wrist and my hand begins scrolling across a blank page printing my raw data in any of 1,257 perfect fonts. The moving hand writes, and having writ, gives way to ear-mail. I know, I know. You all have e-mail accounts. You can e-mail Bill Gates if you want. The Pope. Your dog if you're on vacation in Antarctica. But only Windows 2001 4.0, which I bought yesterday, has ear-mail. When I hear a voice from the ether saying \"You've got mail!\" I run to the nearest phone. Then I run my ear-mail cord from the phone to an input implanted below my left ear. Within seconds, I'm hearing the mail read by a soothing voice that sounds a little like James Earl Jones on Prozac. To reply, I simply speak my answer, press the same button on my wrist, and presto. I unplug and go back to my daily duty of becoming richer, smarter, and wiser. There's also a wireless version of e-mail but that won't come out until version 5.0 is released tomorrow. I plan to get in line at Get-a-Life sometime before midnight. But where, you ask, is this wireless world headed? To be truthful, I'm not sure, but it sure is fun. Perhaps when I'm even richer, smarter, and wiser than I am now, thanks to Windows 2001 6.0 due out this weekend, I'll have an answer. Until then, you'll have to excuse me. I have mail." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us guys find it rather funny.     P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls     P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Loading, loading, loading, Damn this Java coding, Feeling of foreboding, Reload! The Applet says it's running, And that big gray block is stunning, But the screen remains as blank as my mind Netscape crash, Boot 'em up! Net goes down, Dial back! Logging on, Still off-line! Reload! Try it now, Still not up! Netscape crashed, What, again? Boot it up, Log it in, Reload! Tighten, tweaking', smoothen, They say the codes improvin', So how come I'm still usin' \"reload\"? I'm tired of all this waitin', Just give me .gif animation, This code is only good for wasting time, The applet says it's running, And gray block is quite stunning, But the screen remains as blank as my mind," } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "For immediate issue: Password Security Guidelines V2.2b Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely. Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart, All of His commands are user friendly, His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of file, I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup; Your password protects me; You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies; Your help is only a key away. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, And my file will be merged with His and saved forever." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed, But one day he was talking to a recruiter, Who said, \"they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer...\" UNIX, that is... CRTs... Workstations... Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer. The kinfolk said \"Jed, move away from here\". They said \"Arizona is the place ya oughta be\", So he bought a box of donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee... Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks... On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him mo' donuts and sat him at a tube. Said \"yo project's outta budget, but we know just what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!\" OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory... The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Schedules were slipping and the boss was getting mad. They called another meeting and decided on a fix. The answer was simple... \"We'll work him sixty-six!\" Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life... Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey. Jed worked hard while his life just slipped away. Waiting to retire when he turned to 64, Instead he got a call and escorted out the door. Laid off, that is... lead hand shake... unemployed... Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told, Companies will use you and discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends and start your own firm, Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm. Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs... Y'all come back now... ya hear'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "***** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***** This is straight from DC: If you receive an email entitled \"Badtimes\", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and you Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the \"Badtimes\" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my computer? ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A weary mother returned from the store, Lugging groceries through the kitchen door. Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son, Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done. \"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall! It's on the new paper you just hung in the den. I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again.\" She let out a moan and furrowed her brow, \"Where is your little brother right now?\" She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride, She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide. She called his full name as she entered his room. He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom! For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved. Lamenting all the work it would take to repair, She condemned his actions and total lack of care. The more she scolded, the madder she got, Then stomped from his room, totally distraught! She headed for the den to confirm her fears. When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a dart. It said, \"I love Mommy,\" surrounded by a heart. Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it, With an empty picture frame hung to surround it. A reminder to her, and indeed to all, Take time to read the handwriting on the wall." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass-enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: \"In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer.\" She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Female Pharmacist A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying, \"This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?\" The pharmacist said, \"Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.\" When she returned, she said, \"We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"This should be taken care of right away.\" I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. \"Welllllll, what have we here...?\" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue. \"Let me check your medical history.\" I want to see if you paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you. \"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week.\" I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time..or..I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit. \"I have some good news and some bad news.\" The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it. \"Let's see how it develops.\" Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured. \"Let me schedule you for some tests.\" I have 40% interest in the lab. \"I'd like to have my associate look at you.\"  He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.  \"I'd like to prescribe a new drug.\" I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. \"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call.\"  I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. \"That's quite a nasty looking wound.\" I think I'm going to throw up. \"This may smart a little.\" Last week two patients bit off their tongues. \"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?\" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here? \"This should fix you up.\" The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. \"Everything seems to be normal.\" Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all. \"I'd like to run some more tests.\" I can't figure out what's wrong maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. \"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?\" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me...\" \"There is a lot of that going around.\" My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this. \"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.\" I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, well, now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning. DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. FINAL DAY" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Lineup: Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught by Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was a 5-2 loss that started the bleeding A loss to Mats and his country of Sweden Next up, it's easy - but just a 3-2 win By a bunch of young fellas from united Berlin They can't hit the net, they can't even pass it There not chance in the world they're gonna beat Hasek It's the bloody big ice, it's a number of things They don't want it as much, they got their cup rings But a 33 tie, with a late goal you would like Scored by none other than Joe Nieuwendyk The one that they thought was too slow and too old Has not given up the quest for hockey gold. Then things started changing, all for the best They beat Selanne and Finland, lets take on the rest. Then Sweden was next, they'd better get loose But the Swedes were beaten by who... Belarus! And then the ladies from out of the blue Against the favoured Americans, knew what to do The Yanks threw our flag on the floor they were told So they captured our hearts and captured the gold Then suddenly the Great one, our hero of youth Told the hockey world the absolute truth He said they don't like us, they want us to lose We need to get meaner and inflict the odd bruise So a North American Final was set us and the States This time they were ready, they laced up their skates This game was about skill, speed, and the odd chance It would not be decided by a dumb judge from France The yanks scored first, we sucked in our chest But our boys came out and they played their best Sakic, Lindros, Iginla, Lemeiux And Gold is ours... Canada, 5 Yanks, 2 Despite the bad press and media opinions We danced in the street like crazed Palestinians From Victoria to St. John's we screamed and we shouted Like Don Cherry predicted, the Yanks... they were routed When we play hockey there is no English or French There is no division among us; it's just the guys on the bench They played the game for our Country, they played it true And on behalf of the Country I say thank you. For this game is now ours, there is no longer a debate About the lack of finesse or the way that we skate This nation of Canada has gotta' lot of class But if you wanna' play hockey ... we'll kick your ass!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "My first is in kendo but not in Olympics. My second is in hurdles and in hunting. My third is in bowman and in bowling. My fourth is in cycling and in golf. My fifth is in flying and not in swimming. My last is in running and not in dancing. My whole is a sport. What am I? See Answer below... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. The answer to the Riddle is - Kung Fu" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, \"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on \"Charlie\" taxiway; you turned right on \"Delta\". Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!\" Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, \"You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?\" The humbled crew responded, \"Yes, Ma'am.\" The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, \"Wasn't I married to you once?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, \"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!\" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, \"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!\" A passenger in Coach said, \"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools o hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage \"Some Assembly Required.\" The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat- let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about. \"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.\" \"Honey,\" said hubby, \"you just glued my hand.\" And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with \"assembly required\" till morning's first light We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, \"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!\" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefull went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I, along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered \"Decorator Ken\", \"Beauty Salon Ken\", or \"Out Of Work Actor Ken\"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: \"S&M Ken\" , \"Green Lantern Ken\", \"Circuit Ken\", \"Bear Ken\", \"Master Ken\". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can \"push me away,\" I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine... at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the following carefully....... I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "'Twas the night before Cat-mas and all through MY house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...(I ate it). My kitty stocking was hung by the cat door with care, In hopes that Santa Claws soon would be there; The humans were nestled all snug in their beds, While we cats in the darkness danced on their heads; Big Owner in his \"sleepy's\", and me his loyal cat, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out in the 'hood there arose such a clatter, I sprang to four paws to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Eating curtains and shades (I threw up the sash). The street lamp outside shined eerily below, Maybe two cats fighting? Paw to paw, blow-by-blow? No, wait! What my sharp kitty eyes should detect, But a miniature cat box, and that Devonshire Rex. A little old driver, all hairy with paws, I knew in an instant it must be Santa Claws. More rapid than hairballs his coursers they came, And he howled, he meowed, he called them by name; \"Now, BOMBAY! now, BIRMAN! RAGDOLL and BURMESE! On, PIXIE-BOB! on KORAT! on, PERSIAN and SIAMESE! To the top of the fence! To the top of the tree! My felines are awaiting, they are all purring!\" As dry heaves that before the wild furballs fly, When he meets with an obstacle, they jump to the sky, So over my shingles the kitties they flew, With the carriage full of cat morsels, and Santa Claws too. With a turn of my ear, I heard on the roofpole The scratching and clawing of each kitty's sole. I drew in my head, and was spinning around, When through the cat door Santa Claws did abound. A long hair in fur, of course, from head to foot, And his hairs were all shiny, well coiffured, nicely put. A bundle of cat toys he had flung on his back, You'd swear he was pedigree just him with his pack. His eyes -- how they twinkled! His whiskers how bold! His cheek hairs so soft, his nose...oh, how cold! He shed not a hair, each strand in its place The most famous of all of the proud feline race. The stump of some cat nip he held tight in his teeth, Its aroma encircling his head like a wreath; An imposing cat with the biggest belly in history, That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of Friskies. A grimalkin of breed, a right jolly old cat! Did I say grimalkin, how could I think that! A twitch of the whisker and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread; He mewed not a sound, but went straight to his work, Filled my stockings with kitty treats; then turned with a jerk, And laying a talon aside of his nose, After giving a nod, out the cat door he goes; He sprang to his cat box, to his team gave \"MEOW!\" And away they all flew, like the wind they did howl. But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, \"MEOWY CAT-MAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including the species of domestic rodent known as Mus Musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of Saint Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration. Noting hereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself. Thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance, drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer. Piloted by a minuscule aged chauffer so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen: \"Now Dasher, now Dancer\", et al.. Guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by the way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillating with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal protuberance were engorged with blood which suffused in subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the later that of the Prunus Avium, or Sweet Cherry. His amusing sub- and supra-labials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small tabular and columnar crystals being. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of pectinous fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more or less than obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head to one side he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the afore-mentioned hosiery with various of the afore-mentioned articles of merchandise extracted from his afore-mentioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of his task, he executed an abrupt about face, placed a singular manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating, in reverse, the smoke passage. He propelled himself in short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audibly immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: \"Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self-same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good afternoon. I'm Al Gore, and I'd like to tell you about myself. I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat. My mother taught me the value of education, so every day; I would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous, fun-loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one-day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for \"Huckleberry Finn\". Back then, black folks in the South were second-class citizens. One day, a traveling minister came through town, and I asked him if anyone was ever going to do something to guarantee civil rights for all Americans. Well, I guess I made an impression. You see, the minister's name was Martin Luther King, Jr. My father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on his knee and said, \"Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama, someday you can live in a hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to an exclusive prep school.\" But life of privilege was not for me. After getting my high school diploma, I took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a movie - which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me \"Norma Rae\". When word got out what an 18 year old factory worker had done, Harvard called and offered me a scholarship. I captained the hockey team to four consecutive national championships, but I also played football and was good enough to win the Heisman Trophy. During my college years, I lived in a housing project and moonlighted playing lead guitar for a little rock band. You may have heard of it -- the Rolling Stones. But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Medal of Honor and the Croix de Guerre. When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I've crossed the deserts bare, man, I've breathed the mountain air, man, I've traveled, I've done my share, man, I've been everywhere. And the people I met at truckstops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the same thing: \"Al, we need you in Washington.\" I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other business -- building the World Trade Center, founding the Audubon Society, doing the clinical research that proved smoking caused cancer, and coming up with the recipe for Mrs. Field's chocolate chip cookies. Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them to elect me to the House of Representatives and the Senate, where I established the US Strategic Oil Reserve. And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no particular reason, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the United States. Since then, I've been part of the most successful administration in American history. And, in my spare time, I invented the Internet. Many times Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him my thoughts, he would invariable say, \"Of course. That's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?\" During the darkest days of the impeachment battle, the president told me he only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away from that dark-haired intern. So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of advice -- words I'll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said, \"Al, just tell the truth, it's always worked for me.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. \"Who goes there?\" inquired St. Peter. \"'Tis I, your lordship, President Bill Clinton.\" \"And what do you want?\" asked St. Peter. \"Lemme in!\" replied Clinton. \"Soooo,\" pondered Peter. \"What bad things did you do on earth?\" Clinton thought a bit and answered, \"Well, I smoked marijuana-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury.\" After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, \"OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour, as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later, the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, \"But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed.\" Exasperated, the Pope answered, \"Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of the United States v. William J. Clinton:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Priceline.com's stock soared and eBay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law. Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators's choice to \"name your own price\" for Congressional influence. \"This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets.\" In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and \"name their own price\" to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay. William Jefferson Clinton has replaced William Shatner as spokesman for the new Congressional Priceline. In an \"off-camera\" remark, as Mr. Clinton held his crotch, he said, \"This is going to be *big*, really *big*.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Florida Lottery\" Guess what?!?!? I won the lottery..I'm gonna be rich!! I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multimillionaire! Can you believe it?!? I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket was very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway and I didn't want to appear like I didn't know what I was doing. Isn't it nice of Florida to give the money anyway. I know, if the FL State Lottery won't give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, \"Aren't you Moses?\" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, \"Aren't you Moses?\" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, \"Aren't you Moses?\" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, \"Yes, I am.\" George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, \"The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill; Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still; Den one day he was workin' at his desk, When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest... Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's. Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees, Mouth open wide and as happy as you please; Bill sez, \"oh yeah now-don't say a thing,\" \"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling.\" Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation. Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress, He said, \"Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess, And you're invited here to dis fine locality, To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C.\" Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff. So week after week, Monica is on her knees Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please, But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far, And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr. Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's. Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score, 'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door; Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, \"No More\" But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore. Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear. So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president, Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent; So da moral of da story is to do it quietly, And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, \"tragedy.\" So the President asks the class for an example of a \"tragedy.\" One little boy stands up and offers, \"If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.\" \"No\" says Bush, \"that would be an accident.\" A little girl raises her hand: \"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.\" \"I'm afraid not\" explains the President. \"That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS.\" The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. \"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?\" Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, \"If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. \"Correct\" exclaims Bush, \"that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?\" \"Well,\" Lil' Johnny said, \"because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"School\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"School\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, \"Johnny what is your problem?\" Johnny answered, \"I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!\" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: \"What is 3 x 3?\" Johnny: \"9\". Principal: \"What is 6 x 6?\" Johnny: \"36\". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, \"I think Johnny can go to the third grade.\" The teacher says to the principal, \"Let me ask him some questions?\" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, \"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?\" Johnny, after a moment, \"Legs.\" Teacher: \"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?\" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, \"Pockets.\" Teacher: \"What does a dog do that a man steps into?\" Johnny: \"Pants\" Teacher: \"What starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?\" Johnny: \"Fire truck.\" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, \"Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three generals, one from the Army, one from the Air Force, and the third from the Marine Corps, were having a debate about whose soldiers were the bravest. To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: \"Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!\" \"YES SIR!\" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention. The general dismisses him. \"Now that's bravery!\" exclaims the general. \"Bravery, nothing,\" snorts the Army general. \"Get over here, private!\" \"YES SIR!!\" replies the private. \"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.\" \"YES SIR!!\" replies the private, and completes the task. \"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!\" They look to the Marine. \"Private,\" the Marine Corps General commands. \"YES SIR!!\" \"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.\" The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, \"TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!\" The general turns to the others and says, \"Now THAT'S bravery!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, \"from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles.\" The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants...he did.... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. \"My God!\" he said, \"where are your testicles?!\" The general replied, \"Back in Nam!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speaker phone (at full volume, naturally)? It can really begin to bother you after a while. I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like \"Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?\" It is the last time you hear that particular speaker phone, I can assure you." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity. Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory. As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress. The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of \"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards\" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter \"You Are What You Wear\" and consult the \"home casual\" versus \"business casual\" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: \"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.\" A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, \"I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.\" The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page, trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, \"The sign says you have to be good with a computer.\" The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time it ran. By now, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, \"I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job.\" The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, \"Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual\". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said \"Meow.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business and government, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you overworked, under paid, over-regulated, under-leisured, and underbenefited? Take heart! Not only could it be worse, it has been. This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "FROM: OPERATIONS SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. Under the policy a \"Restroom Trip Bank\" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated. Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period. If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken. The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "To: All Employees Subject: Special High Intensity Training In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in the country. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on top of his S.H.I.T. list for special attention. All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed. If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List, Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.). Thank you, Boss in General Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.) PS. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily become the Director of Intensity Programming, Special High Intensity Training." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In our complex technical environment there are many opportunities for a competent technical individual to be the subject of technical harassment. Sometimes it can be so subtle that you may not even be aware you are being harassed. Worse yet, you may inadvertently technically harass another person by accident. Following are some guidelines to help you determine if you are being technically harassed. If you are repeatedly asked the same technical question you may be the victim of technical harassment. While it is most common to be asked the question repeatedly within the same conversation, some instances have been identified of habitual technical harassment. Habitual technical harassment is not uncommon and has been known to exhibit group tendencies where members of a group may ask the same question repeatedly. Untreated, these instances of group technical harassment can continue for years. If you are asked a technical question by a non-technical person and they do not write your answer down it is likely the question is frivolous. Most non-technical people are not capable of remembering a true technical answer for more than 30 seconds. If you are forced into a discussion where a person uses more than three (3) buzzwords in one sentence the person is most likely a fake and you are the unwitting victim of technical harassment. One note of caution, competent technical people have been known to inadvertently use buzzwords after reading mindless drivel like PC Week or LAN Times. If the person has been known to use more common technical terms in the past such as \"stuff\" and \"things\", they are most likely victim of computer magazine brainwashing. If during a troubleshooting session a person uses the term \"trick\". For example \"maybe we could trick the database into thinking it has been updated\". This is a sure sign of technical harassment. If a person explains that a needed feature will be provided by a vendor and that person is nontechnical then you are at risk of being technically harassed. If you believe that person, you have definitely been technically harassed, if you don't believe them you have only been technically annoyed. If when trying to resolve a technical problem with a product from a vendor and you are instructed to call the salesman that sold us the product you are being set up for technical harassment. It is a common reaction for a non-technical person when they have purchased technical equipment to call another non-technical person. The dialogue between two nontechnical people usually provides some sense of comfort that they aren't the only ones who are confused." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, \"Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, \"Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?\" The Guinness president replies, \"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, \"Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!\" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, \"Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.\" Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, \"You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!\" \"Wow!\" said the other two. \"That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?\" \"No,\" he replied, \"but it happened to my sister!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, He traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an \"epiphany\", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper's position... Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, \"It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.\" \"Well, I have contacts,\" the woman replied. \"Look lady, I don't care who you know,\" snapped the officer. \"You're getting a ticket.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no--he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. After a few minutes, the man decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door--where they find the police car, lights still flashing." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says, \"Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.\" The Mexican man pleads with them, \"No, noooo Señor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!\" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself--I'm going to make it hard for him--and says, \"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence.\" The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, \"The three words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence.\" The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, \"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green--I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are \"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,\" committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titled \"How Not to Rob a Bank,\" by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Kentucky:Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. Indiana:A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. England:A German \"tourist,\" supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a \"handicap\" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag. Arizona:A company called \"Guns For Hire\" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail. Texas:A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years. (Location Unknown):A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. (Location Unknown):A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) (Location Unknown):A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it. (Location Unknown):A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. \"How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean *ANY* words misspelled, you are going on report!\" screams the captain." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Abbott said, \"Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.\" Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Abbott said to him: \"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words.\" Brother John said, \"Hard Bed.\" \"I'm sorry to hear that,\" the Abbott said. \"We will get you a better bed.\" The next year, Brother John was called by the Abbott. \"You may say another two words Brother John.\" \"Cold Food.\" said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. \"Two words you may say today.\" \"I quit.\" said Brother John. \"It is probably best.\" said the Abbott. \"All you have done since you got here is complain.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, \"Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?\" Father Patrick replied, \"No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.\" Muldoon said \"I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?\" Father Patrick asked, \"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, \"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks.\" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, \"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!\" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, \"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?\" And the guy says, \"Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, \"I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. Let me go find out,\" and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. \"What if it doesn't work out?\", they wonder, \"Are we stuck together forever?\" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. \"Yes,\" he informs the couple, \"You can get married in Heaven.\" \"Great,\" says the couple, \"but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?\" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. \"What's wrong?\" exclaims the frightened couple. \"Jeez!\" St. Peter exclaims, \"It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In the Beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, \"Let there be light\", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light \"Day\" and the darkness \"Night\". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, \"Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed\". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, \"Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth\". Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before... At this point God created Hell." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home \"Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers,\" the son said. \"It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.\" \"Oi vey,\" replied the father, \"what have I done?\" So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. \"It is amazing that you should come to me,\" stated his friend. \"I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.\" So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. \"It is amazing that you should come to me,\" stated the Rabbi. \"I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord,\" said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour our their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, \"Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to Israel....\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, \"The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!\" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. \"Leave us alone you religious nuts!\" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. \"Do you think,\" said one clergy to the other, \"we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect: he/she is not psychic. This defect necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance of your unit." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements. The Pastoral Search Committee." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Jew, a Greek, and an Italian man all die in a plane crash. They are standing before the Lord, and the Lord tells them, \"I am going to give you one more chance. I'll send you back to earth on one condition: that you give up your bad habits.\" They all say, \"We will, we will. Please let us live again!\" The Italian man agrees to give up eating compulsively. The Jewish man promises to give up thinking of money all the time. And the Greek man vows not to constantly think about sex. Suddenly they find themselves back on earth, walking down the street. Before they even get a chance to say anything to each other about what has just happened, the Italian man sees a restaurant and begins to salivate. He starts running toward the restaurant when POOF! He disappears in a cloud of smoke. Just then, the Jewish man sees a dime on the street a couple of feet away. He steps forward, bends over to pick it up, and POOF! Both he and the Greek disappear." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Driver's swear ..... are you listenin', At the Mall .....folks are bitchin', A miserable sight ..... they're sorry tonite, Drivin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand! Gone away ...... are your tires, meter has ...... just expired, They towed you away, while you shopped today, Parkin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand! On the Parkway we will have a breakdown, We'll be stuck and threathened on the side, If we're lucky, muggers might come mug us, And if we plead they may give us a ride! Santa's sleigh ..... was impounded, All the Elves ...... were surrounded, He's now in a cell .... for ringin' his bell, Living in New Jersey's TrafficLand!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. \"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.\" Ole got up from his coffee and replies \"Well, okay.\" Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, \"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.\" Ole got up from his coffee and replies, \"Well, okay.\" Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, \"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the...\" and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, \"What am I going to do now, Lena?\" Lena replies, \"Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived! I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. (P.S. Sure is hot down here!)" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One of the worlds most famous blondes turned 40 in 1999. She doesn't look a day over 18, well maybe 27. No cellulite on her thighs, no wrinkles, no sagging breasts. Her figure is the same as it was twenty years ago. Many girls from around the world are familiar with this famous blonde. Some would say she is more famous than Madonna. Yes, Barbie Millicent Roberts turns forty in 1999. Is it time to give up the mini skirt for something more conservative? You be the judge, but the folks over at Mattel don't seem to think so. On the other hand, some women have suggested a few changes to the world's most popular doll. Something more fitting for the now middle aged blonde. Here's a list of possible new Barbies..." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mrs. Brown is the church Matron, and she has become very famous for the baked beans she makes for every picnick or church potluck. The annual Mother's Day Pot Luck Dinner was tomorrow, and as usual Mrs. Brown set about preparing her baked beans for the meal. She had set everything to going on the stove, and was called away to the door. Mrs. Brown's son Billy came running into a freshly waxed kitchen, with his BB Gun in one hand and a fist full of BB's in the other. He slipped on the freshly waxed floor, and wouldn't you know it, the BB's flew right into the pot of baking beans. Mrs. Brown walked into the kitchen and scolded little Billy for running indoors, but not wanting to get into any further trouble he said nothing about the BB's going into the pot of simmering beans. The next day came, and the Pot Luck was an enormous success. As usual, Mrs. Brown's beans were the favorites and were quickly eaten all up. Not a single bean left in the pot. The next morning Mrs. Brown receives a phone call from the church secretary. \"Mrs. Brown,\" she says, \"Um, I loved your beans as always, but did you perhaps add anything, or change your recipe?\" Mrs. Brown replied, \"Why No, it was the same recipe as I always prepare, Why?\" The secretary says, \"Well, um, I bent over to feed my cat this morning, and I shot the Canary!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball. Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman wants the inside of her house painted, so she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, \"Now in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.\" The contractor nods thoughtfully, then goes to the window, leans out, and yells \"Green side up\". The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, \"In the dining room, I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.\" The contractor nods, then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells \"Green side up\". The woman is even more perplexed, but still she lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, \"In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful peaceful, cool blue.\" The contractor nods, then once more he goes to the window, leans out, and yells \"Green side up\". This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, \"Every time I tell you a color, you don't even bother to write it down, but then you yell out the window \"Green Side Up\". What on earth does that mean? Are you even paying attention to the colors I want?\" The contractor recites her color choices from memory, then shakes his head and says, \"I have four Finns laying sod across the street, and I have to keep reminding them which side goes up.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. \"I'm having a problem,\" she announced. \"The ice keeps melting.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We'll have two days 'til we arrive But can the Indrans there survive? Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine. LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline! Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so! Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, The danger here is far too great! Picard: But surely we must not be late! Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire. Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire! Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire? Riker: Not me... Worf: Not me! Picard: Computer, how long 'til we die? Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye. Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so it seems... Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I say, Hurray! Hurray! Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives, our ship, and such. Troi: We still must save the Indran planet -- Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite... Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist. We understand -- we get your gist. But can we get our ship to go? Please make it so, PLEASE make it so. Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires And that's what started all the fires. Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We need to go! Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy And lock him up and ask him why? Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental. I say give him problems dental. Troi: Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said that they've been found? Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of yet? I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed to do? Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry out, \"Help us, clothe us, feed us!\" I can't just sit and let them die! A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try! Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon. Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon. * COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK * * HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE? * Worf: The saboteur is in the brig. He's very strong and very big. I had my phaser set on stun -- A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one! He would not budge, he would not fall, He would not stun, no, not at all! He changed into a stranger form All soft and purple, round and warm. Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf? Did you see this creature morph? Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely. Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles now are at an end! Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly And orbit yonder Indran sky! Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go--- Geordi: Yes, sir, we can... Picard: Then make it so!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Jewish man, a Polish man, and a man from India are driving around looking for a hotel. Unfortunately a convention happens to be in town that night, and there are no rooms available. They wind up driving to the outskirts of the city where at last they come across a motel with a VACANCY sign. They stop and go in to register. \"I'm sorry,\" says the clerk, \"but we only have one room left and it's only a double.\" The three men explain how desperate they are, and so the clerk says, \"Okay, I know what we can do. One of you men can sleep out in the barn. Don't worry, though, we'll put a cot out there and make it nice and comfortable for you.\" The clerk then shows them to their room, and as he is leaving he says, \"It's up to you three to decided who is going to sleep in the barn.\" Without hesitation, the man from India says, \"No problem, I'll sleep in the barn.\" He leaves, and a few minutes later, as the other two men are getting ready for bed, they hear a knock at the door. They open it, and the Indian man is standing there. \"So sorry,\" he says, \"I cannot sleep with the sacred cow.\" \"So, I'll sleep in the barn,\" says the Jewish man, and he leaves. A few minutes later the other two men hear a knock on the door. They answer it, and the Jewish guy is standing there. He shrugs and says, \"Can't sleep with the pig.\" So the Polish guy says, \"I guess I'll sleep in the barn.\" He leaves. The Indian and the Jewish man are beginning to undress when they hear a sound at the door. They open it and the pig and cow are standing there." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos: Your Personality:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Read each line ALOUD: This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dumbass cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is about cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Once uton a pime in a corn funtry there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her two sad blisters and her mugly other. Also in this corn funtry there liv inviting all the geautiful birls from riles amound. But Rindercella gouldn't co. She had to make dancy fesses for her two sad blisters and her mugly other. While they all went off to the bancy fall, Rindercella just cat down and shried. She was just citting there a shrying when there appeared before her - her jerry mud father! \"Rindercella,\" she asked, \"Shry do you why?\" Rindercella mold her jerry mud father of her werrible tork. Just then her jerry mud father made Rindercella a geautiful bown and took two mield fice and a tumpkin and purned them into two stighty malions and cig boach! Off to the bancy fall went Rindercella, with the warning that she must go home before the mid clock struck night. As Rindercella entered the bancy fall the pransome hince saw her through a widden hindow and thought she gas worgeous! They danced and danced and soon they lell in fove. Suddenly, the mid clock struck night and fearing her cig boach would purn into a tumpkin, Rindercella staced down the rairs. But as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper. Well the nery vext day the pransome hince searched the corn funtry for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. He tried it on Rindercella's mugly other, but if fidn't dit. He tried it on her sad blisters... Then, the dripper fit only Rindercella at last. Now the storal of the mory: If you ever go to a bancy fall to meet a pransome hince with the hopes of lalling in fove, don't forget to slop your dripper!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "... Have I Got a Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their \"next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available.\" Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars... ... Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, \"Give me all your money or I'll shoot\", the man shouted, \"That's not what I said!\" ... Are We Not Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone: \"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!\" \"Is this her first child?\" the doctor asked. \"No, you idiot!\" the man shouted. \"This is her husband!\" ... Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. ... Counter Thought I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. ... Idiots & Geography After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, \"Really? Where is Monosyllabia?\" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, \"Oh, you mean over by Croatia?\" ... Advice for Idiots An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: \"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.\" ... Idiots in the Neighborhood I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "DETROIT As of Friday, June 24, 1994 the Ford Bronco has officially been selected as the vehicle of choice in the United States. The Conclusive California road test, as seen on national TV, proved without a doubt that the 1994 Bronco can successfully hold off 15 or more police cars, 3 helicopters, and the entire population of the United States for more than an hour and a half, while never exceeding 43 miles per hour. The vehicle even works as well parked in the driveway of your residence. If you are a felon, then we have a special deal for you on a brand new Ford Bronco. Just go to your local Ford dealer and ask for the new O.J. Package. This specially equipped Bronco comes with a .30 caliber pistol, twenty five rounds of ammunition, blood resistant upholstery, cellular phone with speed-dialing for 911 calls, $10,000.00 cash, a passport, a former famous football player blow-up doll, and a high-powered well-qualified lawyer who will greet you when you arrive home. Picture yourself leaning comfortably back in your seat, listening to the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and police cars purring. And if you act now, we will throw in the O.J. Magical Disappearing Ginzo Knife at no extra charge. Be the first in your cell to own the new 1994 O.J. EDITION BRONCO. See your Ford Dealer now." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch - and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There are four basic types of chain letters: Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a mad goat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!! Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because , you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes. Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!! Queer Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!! Queer Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it . Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!! Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok. Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on and then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3 children and lived happily ever after. Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair with his secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro at the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3 children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and they got divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and child support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and his car and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's. As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends. - A friend is someone who is always at your side, - A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog, - A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly, - A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, - A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life, - A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs, - A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English no, sorry that's the cleaning lady, Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room in your sleep!! Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. TRASH IT!!! If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't forget to delete the chain letter part. But if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!\" Thank you.''" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised \"creaminess\" A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife. A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected \"splatter\" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact. A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably \"slowed\". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors. A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its \"cream holes\" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same \"burning rubber\" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment. A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the \"cream holes\". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted. The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the \"creamy filling\" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as \"food\". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn. Greg Ricker Westinghouse Security Electronics" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe. So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes. A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: \"As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you requested our help,\" etc., etc., \"but we have no idea at all how to do it.\" The German fax read: \"We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it.\" The Polish fax read: \"As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. \"We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually. \"So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane ...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, \"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?\" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, \"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.\" The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. \"One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.\" So the Pope slaps her." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Letter to Xerox and the Reply Dear Kings of Kopiers:(feel free to use that) I just started a new job as an exterminator's assistant, and part of my job is mailing out invoices to our clients. Today, while printing all the invoices, I ran out of printer paper, so I ran down to the local office supply store and picked up several boxes of Xerox MultiUse Paper. While the invoices were printing, I noticed something on the package of paper that concerned me, and I thought I'd better check with you about it. On the box, there is a little thing that says 99.99% jam free. I know that sometimes wood finds its way into paper, but jam? I was always taught to keep all food and drinks away from computer equipment, especially something as sticky as jam. Now, I realize that it is a very small amount of jam in each piece of paper, but we use an awful LOT of paper, my friends, and all that jam is sure to add up. Won't that adversely affect the life of our printer? I mean, I'm sure you know what you're doing when it comes to paper, but we use more than the average consumer, so maybe we would be better off with a \"Jam-free\" paper, if you offer such a product. I will look for it next time I am shopping, which will be soon, as I don't want to use any more of this paper until I find out if it's really safe. If it is safe, why not say \"Contains .01% jam, but it's perfectly safe\" in big letters, since I'm sure that I am not the only one who has this concern. You may end up selling a lot more paper that way. By the way, I'm curious as to why you would even put jam in paper. Does it help bond everything together so it doesn't look like confettii? Just curious. Also, I'd appreciate a Xerox keychain. Thanks, Dave Cilluffo PO Box 731 Edinboro Pa 16412-0731 Thank you for your message. We greatly appreciate your taking the time to send us your feedback regarding our 99.99% jam free paper. We have restricted the manufacture of paper to the morning because we have so many folks who eat jam for lunch. Nevertheless, it has been our experience that small amounts of jam have found its way into the paper via morning bagels and jam-filled donuts. Our tests have shown that the .01% jam isn't harmful to machinery and you may continue to use it. In fact the jam has improved the overall quality of the finished print. However, you may have to keep a can of ant spray around. You may wish to enhance paper performance by using the 99.99% jam free paper with our new line of 99.99% peanut butter free paper. They absolutely work best when used together. Or if you prefer you can save time by using the 99.99% PB & J free paper. Whatever you choose we are sure you will be pleased with the results. In appreciation of your e-mail, we will be sending you a Xerox T- shirt. If we can be of other help in the future, please let us know." } ]