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[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, \"Ready . . . Aim . . .\"Suddenly the brunette yells, \"earthquake!!\" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, \"Ready . . . Aim . . .\"The redhead then screams, \"tornado!!\" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .\"The blonde shouts, \"fire!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?\" \"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde.\" The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" She yelled, \"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?\" \"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde.\" The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!\" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. \"Very good,\" said her embarrassed mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?\" \"No, Honey, it's because you're 25.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, \"Now, do you remember what the plan is?\" The blonde sighed and replied, \"Yeah, yeah, I remember...\" The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, \"Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!\" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, \"Stop! Stop!\" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, \"What the hell happened in there?!?\" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, \"What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!\" The brunette paused and yelled, \"YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, \"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.\"\"Oh Dear!\" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. \"But, what happened to yourother ear?\"\"The jerk called back!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains\" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa.\" Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, \"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!.\" Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. \"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?\" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: \"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?\" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, \"Well, so what IS the answer!?\" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. \"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.\" When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. \"Why, that's amazing!\" the doctor said, \"Did you follow my instructions?\" The blonde nodded, \"I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.\" \"From hunger, you mean?\", asked the doctor.\" \"No, from all that skipping.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, \"I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.\" The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies \"But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her.\" The clerk replies \"Anything?\". \"Yes.... ANYTHING!\" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. \"Unzip me...\" She does. \"Take it out..... go ahead.\" She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says \"Well... go ahead... do it...\" She brings her lips close to it and shouts \"Hello?... Mom?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bagbehind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.Signed - \"The Blonde\"She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 ina brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Alsoinside the bag was the following note: \"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would dothis to another.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven. God says, \"There are 3,000 steps and i'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell.\" So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell. Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell. On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate. Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, \"what are you laughing about?\", so she replies, \"i just got the first joke!\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the \"no haggle\" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, \"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!\"The shopkeeper said, \"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!\" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, \"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A girl came skipping home from school one day. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6, 7, 8, 9, 10!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde?\" the girl said. \"Yes, it's because you're blonde,\" said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?\" \"Yes, it's because you're blonde.\" The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,\"she yelled, \"we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all theother girls had flat chests, but I have these!\" And she lifted her tanktop to reveal a pair of 36Cs. \"Very good,\" said her embarrassed mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?\" \"No Honey, it's because you're 24.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, \"I`ve kidnapped you.\" She then wrote a note saying, \"I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde.\" The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, \"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the \"no haggle\" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, \"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!\" The shopkeeper said, \"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!\" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, \"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are walking along their island beach when one sees a bottle lying on the ground.It turns out there's a genie in it so they each get one wish.The brunette says: \"I miss my family, I wish i was home again.\"With a puff of smoke she disappeared. The redhead wished for the same thing.There the blonde stood, all alone on the beach. She started to cry and said \"I wish my friends would come back\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, \"So you all want to be a cop, eh?\"The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, \"To be a detect, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc.\" So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. \"Now, he said, \"Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?\"The blonde immediately said, \"Yes, I did. He only has one eye!\"The detective shook his head and said, \"Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!\"The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, \"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?\"The blonde immediately shot back, \"Yep! He only has one ear!\"The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, \"Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!\"The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, \"This is probably a waste of time, but....\". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, \"Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?\"The blonde said, \"Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses.\"The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, \"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?\"The blonde rolled her eyes and said, \"DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A brunette woman goes into the dr.'s office. She tells the Dr. : \"It hurts all over my body.\" He says: \"point to where it hurts\". She points to her shoulder and yells \"OUCH!\". She then points to her hip and yells \"OUCH!\". Finally she points to her knee and screams in pain \"OUCH!!!\". The Dr. asks her \"Are you a true blonde and dyed your hair brown?\" She says: \"yes, how did you know\"? He answers: \"YOU HAVE A BROKEN FINGER!!!\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot. The pro said \"Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's privates.\". The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said \"That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There were two blondes going hunting. It was getting late so one of theblondes said to the other that she heard if you ever get lost in the woods to shoot three shots into the air. So she did. A few hours wentby and so she fired three more shots in the air. A few more hours wentby and they fired three more shots in the air. Then one of the blondessaid someone better hurry up and save us...we only have two more arrowsleft." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Blonde Cook Book: MONDAY:It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighborswere nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY:Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe saidserve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What asurprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY:A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughlybefore steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly butI took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY:Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed oflettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led upto Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY:I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put allingredients in bowl and beat it. There must havebeen something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY:Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For somereason Bob keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY:Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flashof genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set thecontrols for roast. It still came out hamburger, muchto my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.This has been a very exciting week. I am eager fortomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like tosurprise him with Chocolate Moose." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "1. The water proof towel2. Solar powered flash light3. Sumberrine screen door4. A book on how to read5. Inflatable dart board6. A dictionary index7. Ejector seat in a helicopter8. Powdered water9. Pedel powered wheel chair10. Water proof tea bags" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Blonde and a Burnette are watching the news at 6. It is live on the scene. It has been reported that a old homeless man is on top of a large bridge and swears that he will jump off the bridge. The Burnette turns around and says to the Blonde\" I bet you $50 that he will jump. Th blonde says\" You're on. Sure enough the old man jumps and falls to his death. The Burnette snickers to herself and says\"I must admit I did watch the news at 5. The blonde says So did I but, I did'nt think he would jump twice!!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head all go hunting together. Then they decide to all go their separate ways. When they all come back, the brunette had shot a rabbit. The other 2 ask \"How'd you do that?\"She says: \"Well, I followed some tracks,and BOOM, I got a rabbit.\" The red-head had came back with a deer. The blond & brunette ask \"How'd you do that?\" She says:\"Well, I follwed some tracks and BOOM, I got a deer.\" The blonde comes back all beat up and bloody, without any game. They ask \"HOW'D YOU DO THAT?!?\" And she says: \"Well I followed some tracks, and BOOM, I got hit by a train\"THE END" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde wearing headphones walks into a store and on the window it said 'No Headphones' so the clerk says, \"I'm afraid I'll have to make you take off those headphones.\"The blonde paid no attention to the clerk, so he said louder \"If you don't take off those headphones I will!\".The blonde still paid no attention, so the clerk yanked the headphones off of her.Then she fainted all of a sudden.The clerk put on the headphones to see what she was listening to.All he heard was \"Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What do u call a blonde with 1brain cell? GIFTED!What do u call a blonde with 2brain cells? PREGNANT!What do u call a blonde with 3brain cells? A GOLDEN RETRIEVER!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There's this blonde who goes into an electronics shop, and asks the bloke in there if she can buy this TV. But the bloke says Sorry, we dont serve blondes. So she goes away, dyes her hair brown, and goes back. Sorry, we dont serve blondes, the bloke says.So she goes back and dyes her hair ginger, but he still tells her they dont serve blondes.Sooooo, she goes back yet again, but dyes her hair black. Again, she asks if she can buy the TV, but yet again, she cant get served.Look, she says, how can you tell i'm a blonde, even tho i've dyed my hair???Soory lady, thats a microwave!!!!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde dyed her hair to red one day, then she takes a walk down the road and comes upon a farm. She walks up to the fenced yard where the farmer is counting his sheeps. The farmer said hello and that if she guessed how many he had, then she can keep one. The blonde thought it was a great idea, so she starts counting in her head. She finally guessed 26, which was RIGHT!!! The farmer was amazed, but he kept his word. She climbed over the fence and back with the animal in her arms. The farmer takes one look at her and the animal and says, \" If I guess what natural hair color you have, can i have my dog back?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert because their car broke down. The redhead grabs some water, the brunette grabs some food, and the blonde grabs the car door. They began walking, when the redhead turns to the brunette and says,\" Why did you bring the food?\" She replies, \" Well in case i get hungry, i can eat it. Why did you bring water?\" The redhead replies, \" Well in case i get thirsty, i can drink it.\" Then they both turn to the blonde and say, \" Why did you bring the car door?\" She replies, \" Well in case i get hot, i can roll down the window.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guyyells to the bartender: \"Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?' A deathlysilencetranscends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next tohimsays: \"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Thebartenderis blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with ablack belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blondeand she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's apro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tellthatjoke?\"The blind man pauses to think, and says, \"Nah, not if I'm gonna have toexplain it five times.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde was sick and tired of hearing jokes about being dumb. She decided to dye her hair black and set out to prove to the world just how wrong they were about blondes. She drove out of the city and into the country where there were many sheep farms. She spotted a sheep farmer, stopped her car and said, \"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your field, will you give me a sheep?\" He said \"Sure!\" She counted and said \"131.\" The farmer said, \"That's Right! Go ahead and get a sheep.\" The blonde went and got her sheep. Then, the farmer said, \"If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have it back?\" and she said, \"Yes.\" \"Blonde. Now give me back my dog.\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, \"I think I would like this room in a cream color.\" The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, \"Green side up!\" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. \"In this room, I was thinking of an off blue.\" Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, \"Green side up!\" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, \"Green side up!\" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, \"Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?\" The contractor replied, \"Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde and a brunette were walking down the basement stairs in the dark to find a wrench when the blonde screamed. \"Something brushed against my rightr leg!!\" \"Oh My Gosh. Are you sure?\" \"Yea and it keeps doing it.\" she said as she ran around the basement. Then she stopped and thought for a second. \"Hold up. That was just my left leg." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Secret Service was looking for more employees. They put up a sign and the next day they picked the next three people. They brought the first guy into a room and gave him a pistol and said\" Your wife is in that room go in and shoot her\" The guy looked at them and said\" No I can't do it\" So the Secret Service brought out the next guy and told him the same thing and handed him the gun. \"He went into the room and came back out but he didn't want to shoot her. So the Secret Service who was really desperate brought the last person in. She was a blonde so they were worried. They said\" Your husbandis in that room and I want you to shoot him.\" \"Alright\" she announced. She went into the room and the Secret Service heard alot of crashing and banging. They went in and found the man dead. \"What the hell is going on\" \"Oh The gun was a blank so I beat him to death with a chair.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blonde Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street. A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said: I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver. Next the brunette went in she said: I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car. The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said: I think... She was vanished into the mirror forever." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Deep Thoughts\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Deep Thoughts\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits andexhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing \"fairly well\" for my age. Alittle concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, \"Doyou think I'll live to be 80?\"He asked, \"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?\"\"Oh no,\" I replied. \"I've never done either.\"Then he asked, \"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?\"I said \"No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!\"\"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,ballooning, or rock climbing ?\"\"No, I don't,\" I said.He said, \"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?\"\"No,\" I said. \"I've never done any of those things.\"He looked at me and said, \"Then why do you give a damn if you live to be80?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Deep Thoughts\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little kid asks his father, \"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?\" \"Both son. God is both.\" After a while the kid comes again and asks, \"Daddy, is God black or white?\" \"Both son, both.\" The child returns a few minutes later and says, \"Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, \"So, how did the parachute jump go, son?\" Son replies, \"Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to \"do me\" with his 12-incher!\"Father says, \"Well, Son, did you jump?\" \"Just a little at first\" said the son." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. \"What's that?\" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, \"Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. \"Horrified, she said, \"Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.\" She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. \"Here,\" she said, pointing, \"You must put it in here.\" Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes. Eventually, she managed to gasp, \"What the hell did you do that for?\" \"Tarzan always check for bees.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.\"Twenty bucks,\" she says.He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.\"What's going on here, people?\" asks the officer.\"I'm making love to my wife,\" the man answers indignantly.\"Oh, I'm sorry,\" says the cop, \"I didn't know.\"\"Well,\" said the man, \"neither did I until you shined that light in her face.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A wife asks her husband, \"Honey, if I died, would you remarry?\"\"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would.. We all need companionship.\"\"If I died and you remarried,\" the wife asks, \"would she live in this house?\"\"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.\"\"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,\" the wife asks, \"would she sleep in our bed?\"\"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.\"\"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?\"\"Oh, no,\" the husband replies. \"She's left-handed.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She gives him his beer. About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She does. A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer. The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.' The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereup on he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time, when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 20 year old and ready for more. Once again, they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, 'I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.' The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, 'Was I already here?'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. \"Grandpa, what are you doing?\" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. \"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?\" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said,\"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Nice Hotel A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. \"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,\" explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, \"But we didn't use it!\" The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. \"But sir,\" the managers says, \"this check is only made out for $100.\" \"That's right,\" replies the man. \"I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.\" \"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!\" exclaims the manager. \"Well,\" the man replies, \"she was here, and you could have.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him \"this is all in your mind\", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, \"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.\" Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , \"I can cure this\", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, \"This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!\" The guy then asks the witch doctor \"What happens when it's over?\" The witch doctor says \"all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!\" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says \"123\", and suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says \"What did you say '123' for?" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: \"Hello.\" WOMAN: \"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?\" MAN: \"Yes\" WOMAN: \"I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?\" MAN: \"Sure, ...go ahead if you like it.\" WOMAN: \"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked.\" MAN: \"How much?\" WOMAN: \"$60,000\" MAN: \"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.\" WOMAN: \"Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.\" MAN: \"Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.\" WOMAN: \"OK. I'll see you later! I love you! MAN: \"Bye, I love you, too.\" The man hangs up .The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: \"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, \"You're beautiful!\" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said \"You're cute!\" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of \"beautiful\" it was \"cute.\" She said \"What happened to 'beautiful'?\" His reply was \"The drugs are wearing off!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, \"What is this, Father?\" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded \"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.\"While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, \"Go get your mother.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, \"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce.\"The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.She then says, \"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.\"Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.She says, \"I want the house.\" Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.She says, \"I want the kids too.\" The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.She says, \"I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too.\" The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, \"Is there anything you want?\"The husband says, \"No, I've got everything I need.\"She asks, \"What's that?\"The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, \"I've got the airbag!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, \"Did you see anything under the table that you liked?\"Jeff admitted, \"Well, yes I did.\"She said \"you can have it, but it will cost you $100.\"After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, \"Did Jeff come by this afternoon?\"Totally shocked, Sandy replied, \"Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.\"Next Dave asked, \"Did Jeff give you $100?\"Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, \"Yes, he did give me $100.\"\"Good,\" Dave says.\"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, \"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!\".The wife says, \"Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?\"He says, \"I don't care. Just get the hell out!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.\"With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.God got mad and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?\"And the man replied, \"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, \"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.\"\"My darling,\" he replied, \"think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: \"This bull mated 50 times last year.\" The wife turns to her husband and says, \"He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!\" They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: \"This bull mated 65 times last year.\" The wife turns to her husband and says, \"This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!\" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: \"This bull mated 365 times last year.\" The wife's mouth drops open and says, \"WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.\" The fed up man turns to his wife and says, \"Go up and inquire if it was the same old cow every day.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. \"First,\" he said, \"I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.\" The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. \"Well,\" said Mike, \"you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.The man rolls over and answered...\"Hello?\"\"What?\"\"How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix.\"He hangs up and his wife asks, \"Who was it dear?\"\"Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple has been married for many years, and one day the man tells his wife that he wishes she had bigger breasts.\"but how am I going to get bigger breasts?\" she asks.\"That's simple\", he says, \"just rub your breasts with toilet paper every day\".\"And that would do it?\", the surprised wife wonders.\"Well,\", answers the husband, \"it sure did work on your behind!\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two guys were talking at work. \"I've got a problem,\" said the first one. \"What is it?\"\"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?\"\"What did you buy her last year?\" the other one asked.\"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.\" \"Hmmmm, hard to top that one,\" said the other.The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, \"Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!\"Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, \"Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. ''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, \"Here, put these on.\" She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. \"I can't wear your pants\", she said. \"That's right!\", said the husband, \"and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!\"With that, she flipped him her panties and said, \"Try these on.\" He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, \"Hell, I can't get into your panties!\" She said, \"That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your stupid attitude changes!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, \"I've found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles.\" The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit. \"Sure,\" says the tailor. \"You're a 42 long, right?\" \"Wow, how did you know?\" says the man. \"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things\" said the tailor.\" The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it. \"16, 34, right?\" said the tailor. \"Right again!\" said the man. \"You're amazing.\" \"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things\". The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, \"Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too.\" The tailor said, \"36 right?\" \"I'm disappointed,\" said the man. \"But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers.\" The tailor said, \"Hey, I've been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36.\" The man replied, \"It's obvious you know your business but I've worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one\". \"Hey look,\" said the tailor, \"I'll sell you whatever you want. But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A married woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.\"Quick,\" said the woman to her lover, \"into the closet!\" She pushed him into the closet stark naked.The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. \"Who are you?\" he asked him.\"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,\" said the exterminator.\"What are you doing in there?\" the husband asked.\"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,\" the man replied.\"And where are your clothes?\" asked the husband.The man looked down at himself and said, ......\"Well those Little bastards!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man... ------------------------------------ 1 This explains your car. 2 I never saw one like that before. 3 But it still works, right? 4 Are you cold? 5 I guess this makes me the early bird. 6 Ahhhh, it's cute. 7 Can I be honest with you? 8 Maybe it looks better in natural light. 9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they \"oohed and aahed\" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.\"It's free,\" Peter replied, \"this is Heaven.\"Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, \"what are the green fees?\"Peter's reply, \"This is heaven, you play for free.\"Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.\"How much to eat?\" asked the old man. \"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!\" Peter replied with some exasperation.\"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?\" the old man asked timidly.Peter lectured, \"That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.\"With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.The old man looked at his wife and said, \"This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?\"\"Look, I can't prescribe...\"\"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterlyto Hell! You've got to help me.\"The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. \"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one.\"\"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold...\" \"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?\"\"Um... okay.\"Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife hasdinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, \"I... need...a man...\"His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, \"Me... too..\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, \"My God, you saved my life!\" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. \"What's the matter, sweetheart?\" she asks, \"We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?\"He says, \"Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?\" \"Sure,\" she says, \"if it will help.\" He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.\"Now would you put on my pants?\" he asks.\"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better,\" she says.\"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?\" he asks.\"Whatever you want, sweetie,\" she says, and does.Then he says, \"Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?\" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, \"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary: \"Two weeks ago,\" I said, \"was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'. \"I said to myself Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.' \"We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. \"On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.' \"She said, 'Let's go by my apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.' \"We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all. \"She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing 'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: \"Pierre, kiss me!\" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. \"What are you doing, Pierre?\", says the startled Marie. \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!\" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, \"Pierre, kiss me lower.\" Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. \"Pierre! What are you doing?\", asks the bewildered Marie. \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!\" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, \"Pierre, kiss me lower!\" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, \"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?\" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. \"Olympic condoms?\", she blurts, \"What makes them so special?\" \"There are three colors,\" he replies, \"Gold, Silver and Bronze.\" \"What color are you going to wear tonight?\", she asks cheekily. \"Gold of course,\" says the man proudly. The wife responds, \"Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, \"So ... how was I?\" She said, \"Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!\" Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, \"My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?\"Gepetto says, \"What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem.\"About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. \"How was that sandpaper I gave you?\" He asked. \"Are you still having problems with the girls?\"\"Girls?\" Pinocchio asked. \"Who needs girls?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: \"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants.\"Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: \"Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.\"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening.\"\"But what about afterward?\" asked her friends.\"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. \" Hi, is Tony home?\" \" No, he went to the store.\" \"Well, you mind if I wait?\" \" No, come in.\" They sit down and the friend says \"You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.\" Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says \"They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.\" Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says \"You know, your weird friend Chris came over. \" Tony thinks about this for a second and says \"Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, \"Someone should go and tell his wife.\" Bill says, \"OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.\" 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, \"Where did you get that, Bill?\" \"Steve's wife gave it to me.\" \"That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?\" Bill says,\"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow.'\" She said, \"No, I'm not a widow.\" And I said, \"Wanna bet me a six-pack?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, \"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.\" The man then replies, \"Yeah, well we were married 35 years.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION10 MILESHe thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION5 MILESSuddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:SISTERS OF ST, FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTIONNEXT RIGHTHis curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHe climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, \"What may we do for you, my son?\" He answers, \"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.\" \"Very well, my son. Please follow me.\" He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, \"Please knock on this door.\" He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, \"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.\" He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:GO IN PEACEYOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWEDBY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "TO MY DEAR WIFE, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.The following is a list of wyh I did not succeed more often:54 times the sheets were clean.17 times it was too late.49 times you were too tired.20 times it was too hot.15 times you pretended to be asleep.22 times you had a headache.17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.16 times you said you were too sore.12 times it was the wrong time of month.19 times you had to get up early.9 times you said you weren't in the mood.7 times you were sunburned.6 times you were watching the late show.5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo.3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.9 times you said your mother would hear us.Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:6 times you just laid there.8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.7 times I had to wake you and tell you I was finished.1 time I was afriad I had hurt you because I felt you move.TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:5 times you come home drunk and tried to screw the cat.36 times you didn't come home at all.21 times you didn't cum.33 times you came too soon.19 times you went soft before you got in.38 times you worked too late.10 times you got cramps in your toes.29 times you had to get up early to play golf.2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.4 times you git it stuck in your zipper.3 times you had a cold and your nose was running.2 times you had a splinter in your finger.20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV.Of the times we did get together:The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, \"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?\"The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said \"I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double.\" The man agreed, and said \"I wish I had a mansion.\" The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said \"I would like a million dollars.\" The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, \"Scare me half to death.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, \"So where are you flying to today?\" She turns and smiles, and says, \"To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago.\" He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, \"And what's your role at this convention?\" She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, \"Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.\" \"Really\" he says, swallowing hard. \"And what myths are those?\" She explains, \"Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average.\" \"Very interesting,\" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. \"I'm sorry,\" she says, \"I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name.\" The man extends his hand and replies, \"Tonto... Tonto Goldstein.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulatingenough frequent flyer miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talkingabout all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if theyhave laptop computers, how they make money, etc.Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. \"Just how do you guys doit?\" asks Maureen. \"Pretty much the way you do,\" responds the Martian.Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for thenight and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to abedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie memberabout half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.\"I don't think this is going to work,\" says Maureen.\"Why?\" he asks, \"What's the matter?\"\"Well,\" she replies, \"It's just not long enough to reach me!\"\"No problem,\" he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quiteimpressively long.\"Well,\" she says, \"That's quite impressive, but it's still prettynarrow....\"\"No problem,\" he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, hismember grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremelyexciting to the woman.\"Wow!\" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go theirseparate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks \"Well, was it any good?\"\"I hate to say it,\" says Maureen, \"but it was pretty wonderful. How aboutyou?\"\"It was horrible,\" he replies. \"All I got was a headache. She keptslapping my forehead and pulling my ears.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two women where at a pub, having a fun night out, away from their husbands. When they got out and started walking back home, they suddenly had a strong urge to pee. They decided to do it in the cemetery, where they figured no one will notice them. Once they were done, they remembered they didn't bring toilet papers. The first one took her panties off, used it like paper and threw it away. The second used some flowers from one of the tombs. The day after, one of the husbands called the other and said, angrily: \"Looks like our wifes had quite a good time yesterday. Mine came home without her panties!\". The other one answered, even more angry: \"That's nothing. Mine came back with a small note sticked to here ass, saying 'we will never forget you. love, from all the guys\"..." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, \"Is your date running late?\" \"No,\" he replies, \"Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.\" The intrigued woman says, \"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?\" Bond explains, \"It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.\" The lady says, \"What's it telling you now?\" \"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.\" The woman giggles and replies, \"Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!\" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, \"Bloody thing's an hour fast.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After a long night buying a foxy women drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the women asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another ....After making love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. \"There might be some matches in the top drawer.\", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry. \"Is this your husband?\" he inquired nervously. \"No, silly,\" she replied, snuggling up to him. \"Your boyfriend then?\" he asked. \"No, not at all,\" she said, nibbling away at his ear. \"Well, who is he then?\" demanded Joe bewildered. Calmly, the girl replied, \"That's me before the operation.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy goes to a psychiatrist. \"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?\" The doctor replies: \"It's very simple. You're two tents.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. 3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. 9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. 10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 11. Shopping is not sport. 12. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 13. You have enough clothes. 14. You have too many shoes. 15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. 16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too. 17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 19. Yes, going to the bathroom standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. 22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend. 24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 25. Check your oil. 26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. 27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? 33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both. 35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. 37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do. 39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines. 40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Period. 41. Anyone can buy condoms, even you." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why men can't win...If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, \"Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a wild party.\" The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, \"This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes.\" The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, \"What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?\" The guy replies, \"Quick, I need Blue Ice\" (muscle pain relief). The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, \"Are you crazy, you can't put that on your crotch. The skin is way too sensitive.\" The guy says, \"No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm.\" Pharmacist: \"What?? What happened?\" Guy replies, \"Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion.\" Pharmacist: \"Oh my god, and then what ? \" \"The girls never showed up!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Science\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits already had a nationwide fibre optic network. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews had cellular telephones." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his private parts into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. \"What's wrong, Bill?\" she asked. \"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my privates into the pickle slicer?\" \"Oh, Bill, you didn't.\" \"Yes, I did.\" \"My God, Bill, what happened?\" \"I got fired.\" \"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?\" \"Oh...she got fired too.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: \"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?\" \"How much for a season pass?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. \"Do you think you could give me some tips?\" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, \"Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg.\" \"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" asked the young man. \"Sure will,\" said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. \"That's terrific!\" said the cowboy. \"Got any more tips for me?\" \"Yep,\" said the old man. \"Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.\" \"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" asked the younger man. \"You bet it will,\" said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. \"Wow!\" said the cowboy. \"I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?\" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. \"See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.\" The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. \"No,\" said the old-timer, \"I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.\" \"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" asked the young man. \"No,\" said the old-timer, \"but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your butt and it won't hurt as much.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.\"Dude, it's obvious,\" says the lifeguard, \"you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outtastyle. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - abouttwo sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!\"The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tightSpeedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybodyon the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turningaway, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, \"What's wrong now?\"\"JAHEESUS!\" says the lifeguard, \"The potato goes in front!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, \"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.\" The man said, \"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.\" The Lord said, \"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.\" The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, \"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong' and how I can make a woman truly happy.\" The Lord replied, \"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "THE GAG TEST:Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). EGGS:When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS:Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind. MAYONNAISE:If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS:Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wreckedanyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES:This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD:Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable \"spots\" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. FLOUR:Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. SALT:It never spoils. CANNED GOODS:Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS:A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. RAISINS AND SULTANAS:Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES:Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP:If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS:Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS:You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, \"I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?\"The rabbi said, \"I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.\"Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, \"Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?\"The priest replied, \"Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.\"There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, \"Better than pork, isn't it?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy applied to join a nudist club. \"Exactly what do you do here?\" he asked. \"It's quite simple,\" said the club secretary, \"We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.\" \"Cool,\" said the guy, \"...count me in!!!\" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, \"Beware of Gays.\" A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing \"Beware of Gays.\" He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, \"Sorry....You've had two warnings!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. \"Yes,\" she replied readily. \"Tell him Mother didn't come after all.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully,\" the divorce court judge said, \"and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.\"\"That's very fair, your honor,\" the husband said. \"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, \"I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself.\" \"Okay,\" God said, \"I'll create a man for you.\" Eve said, \"A man! What's that?\" \"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed.\" \"Sounds great!\" said Eve. \"Oh, and one more thing,\" God said. \"He will want to believe that I made HIM first.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away. Policeman: \"License, registration and proof of insurance please.\" Driver: \"Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.\" Policeman: \"Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!\" Driver: \"Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!\" The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders. Policeman: \"Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?\"" } ]