conversations
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Businessman's DepressionA businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody - it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the priest said, \"Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.\" A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice. The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. \"You did as I suggested?\" he asked. \"Absolutely,\" replied the businessman. \"You went to the beach?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible on your lap?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"And what were the first words you saw?\" \"Chapter 11.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, \"...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, \"Why'd you do that? The trooper says, \"You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready.\" Driver says, \"I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here.\" The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, \"What'd you do that for?\" The cop says, \"Just making your wishes come true.\" The passenger says, \"Huh?\" The cop says, \"I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that with me!'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:\"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars\".\"Why does the parrot cost so much?\" the customer asks.The owner says, \"Well, it knows how to use a computer.\"The customer asks about the next parrot and is told \"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.\"Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told \"That one costs 2,000 dollars.\"Needless to say this begs the question \"What can IT do?\"To which the owner replies \"To be honest I've never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, \"I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference.\"The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, \"Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.\" The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, \"Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!\"Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, \"Ah, now that's the real thing.\" A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, \"Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one.\"The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, \"Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!\" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, \"Yeah, now how old am I?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as \"Area 51?\" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their \"secret\" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying \"you-did-not-see-a-base\" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, \"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, \"Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?\" \"Ever go fishing?\" the policeman suddenly asked the man. \"Ummm, yeah...\" the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, \"Ever catch *all* the fish?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, \"Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!\"The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, \"Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.\"The cowboy replies, \"Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have.\"The bartender says, \"Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?\"\"About fifty cents!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three blondes were stuck on an island. then, a magic fairy appeared and gave them each a wish. The first one asked to be really smart, so the fairy turned her into a red head and she swam off the island. The second blonde asked to be even smarter, so the fairy turned her into a brunette and she built a boat and sailed off the island. The third blonde asked to be smartest of them all, so the fairy turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "His And Hers ATMs HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.9. PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit \"cancel\" 12. Re- correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse gear38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was once a young lawyer, age 29, who was on his way to work when he was hit by a bus. He goes to heaven and meet's St. Peter and pleads, \"I am much to young to die, there must be a mistake!\". St. Peter thinks about this for a moment and goes out the back to consult with God. Ten minutes later he returns saying, \"There's no mistake, according to the hours you have billed your clients, you are 176 years old\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, \"How's your sex life, buddy?\" The other guy answers, \"Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. \" The first guy says, \"Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!\" The other guy says, \"Hmmmm... I think I'll try that.\" The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, \"How did you get on with the starter pistol?\" The other guy says, \"Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said.\" The first guy says, \" So??? What happened?\" The other guy says, \"She bit my whang, pooped on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. \"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!\", he whined. \"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!\" retorted the officer. \"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!\" \"Oh my gaaaad...\", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. \"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas 10. Up on a ladder in bad weather; either decorating the house or boarding up windows. 9. You drag out boxes of supplies you haven't used since last season. 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores. 7. Favorite TV shows pre-empted for 'specials'. 6. Family comes to stay with you. 5. Long distance calls from friends you don't usually hear from. 4. Buying food you don't normally buy - and in large quantities. 3. Days off from work. 2. Candles are your light of choice. And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas... 1. At some point you wind up with a tree in your house!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: \"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.\" \"Well put,\" the judge replied. \"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.\" The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat. \"Are you OK, mister?\" the stewardess asked.\"Yes, I'm fine,\" said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements. \"Are you sure you're all right, sir?\"\"Yes,\" the man insisted, \"but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.\"\"I see,\" the stewardess said. \"Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK.\"\"Oh, he's housebroken,\" the man replied. \"The problem is, he's not weaned yet!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, \"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!\" \"What do you mean? I'm fine.\" \"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before.\" \"Well,\" said the pirate, \"We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really.\" \"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands.\" \"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really.\" \"Oh,\" said the bartender, \"what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes.\" \"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.\" \"You're kidding,\" said the bartender, \"you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!\" \"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, \"It's a lot of money!\"After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, \"$165,000!\" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, \"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. \"Where did you get all of this money?\"The old lady replied, \"I make bets.\"The president then asked, \"Bets? What kind of bets?\"The old woman said, \"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.\"\"Ha!\" laughed the president, \"That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!\"The old lady challenged, \"So, would you like to take my bet?\"\"Sure,\" said the president, \"I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!\"The little old lady then said, \"Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?\"\"Sure!\" replied the confident president.That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: \"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!\"The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. \"Well, Okay,\" said the president, \"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.\"Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, \"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?\"She replied, \"Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"Do you believe in life after death?\" the boss asked one of his employees. \"Yes, sir,\" the clerk replied.\"That's good,\" the boss said. \"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, \"Just what the hell you are doing?\" \"Well,\" said the guy, \"you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!\" \"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!\" the guy replied. \"I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It had snowed in Washington DC and Hillary had just arrived home and was walking into the White House when she noticed that someone had pissed in the snow, \"I love you Hillary\". Outraged she asked a secret service agent to find who had done this disgusting act. A while later the agent came back and Hillary asked if he had found the culprit. The agent said, \"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the piss is Bills but the bad news is that the hand writing is Monica Lewinsky's.\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, \"I bet you don't know what day this is.\" \"Of course I do,\" he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. \"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!\" she exclaimed. \"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: \"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class I'm afraid you'll have to move.' The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.' Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.' The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving. Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?' The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, \"I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.\" \"That's quite a coincidence,\" said the engineer. \"I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.\" The lawyer looked somewhat confused. \"How do you start a flood?\" he asked."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, \"Would you like to dance?\" The girl says, \"I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you.\" The guy says, \"I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, \"Mmmmm, I smell sausage. The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said \"Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.\" The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, \"The only thing I can smell is molasses.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, \"Sure, do that before I kill them!\" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, \"Where is God?\" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked \"Where is God?\" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy's nose, and asked, \"Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, \"We are in BIIIIG trouble.\" The older boy asked, \"What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?\" his brother replied, \"God is missing and they think we did it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Top Ten Reasons Why The Computer Industry Is Finally Opening Up To Women 1. It's easier for a woman to \"turn on\" a computer2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem.6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.8. Women have bigger SMART drives.9. Women don't think with their joysticks.10. Women actually read installation manuals."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat. \"Sorry about the mix up\" says the Pope. \"No problem,\" replies Clinton. \"Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.\" Clinton asks, \"Why's that?\" \"Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.\"President Clinton replies, \"you're a day late\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead stranded on an island. The nearest land was about 20 miles away. Well, they're all getting sick of one another, and the brunette decides to swim the 20 miles to land. So she swims, and swims, and swims, gets about 10 miles, about half way, and she is exhausted. So she puts up her arms...and drowns. The redhead is thinking, \"She must have made it!\" So she swims, and swims, and swims, gets about 10 miles, about half way, and she is exhausted. So she puts up her arms...and drowns. The blonde is left on the island thinking, \"They must have made it!\" So she swims, and swims, and swims, and gets 19 miles! She can see the beaches and the tall buildings, but she is exhausted! So she puts up her arms... and swims back to the island. :-)"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. \"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.\" Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. \"Will I be acquitted?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. \"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you.\" The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, \"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!\" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, \"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through.\"Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, \"You brought pavement?!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Attorney to witness: \"And where was the location of the accident?\" Witness: \"Approximately milepost 499.\" Attorney: \"And where is milepost 499?\" Witness: \"About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued... Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face. \"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy,\" he said, pointing to the urine bottle. \"Oh, really?\" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. \"In that case, we'd better run it through again...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, \"I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.\" An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, \"First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?\" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. \"What happened?\" they asked. \"Well,\" said Moishe, \"First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.\" \"Yes, yes,.. and then???\" asked the crowd. \"I don't know,\" said Moishe, \"He took out his lunch, and I took out mine.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, \"How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?\" Pierre said, \"Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild.\" So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman. So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, \"I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!\" Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, \"You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, \"You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.\"\"Well,\" said the other woman,\" that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:\"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars\".\"Why does the parrot cost so much?\" the customer asks.The owner says, \"Well, it knows how to use a computer.\"The customer asks about the next parrot and is told \"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.\"Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told \"That one costs 2,000 dollars.\"Needless to say this begs the question \"What can IT do?\"To which the owner replies \"To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, \"Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.\" Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says \"I'll take this option.\" \"Fine,\" says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. \"That was Bill Gates!\" cried Lucifer. \"Why did you give him the best place of all?\" \"That's what everyone thinks,\" snickered Satan. \"The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't.\" \"What about the PC?\" \"It's got Windows 95!\" laughed Satan. \"And it's missing three keys.\" \"Which three?\" \"Control, Alt and Delete.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, \"Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.\" The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, \"It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?\" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, \"I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born. The nurse came out and told the first father, \"Congratulations, you're the father of twins!\" \"It figures,\" the first father said. \"I'm the manager of the Minnesota Twins.\" Five minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father, \"Congratulations you're the father of triplets!\" \"It figures,\" the second father said. \"I work for 3M.\" At that the third father fainted dead away. The second father turned to the first and asked, \"What's the matter with him?\" The first father replied, \"He works for 7-Up!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two brothers, John and Richard lived in the same town. John with his 12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole life was his cat. He never went anywhere without her. One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on business for his company and he could not take the cat into England with having to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his cat. Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Gracie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the neck. On the fifth day when he called, John asked Richard how Gracie was and Richard told him. \"Gracie is dead!\" Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack. When he recovered he said to Richard, \"that was the most cruel thing I ever heard. You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently. You know like when I called said something like, 'well she's OK but she is up on the roof.' And then when I called the next time, tell me 'oh oh, bad news, she fell off the roof and she's at the vets'. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news.\" \"Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless.\" John accepted Richard's apology for being so uncaring, and then said, \"oh, by the way, how's Mother?\" Richard then said, \"well, John, she's OK, but she's on the roof!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, \"Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place.\" So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, \"So, how's it going down there in hell?\" Satan replies, \"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\" God replies, \"What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.\" Satan says, \"No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.\" God says, \"Send him back up here or I'll sue.\" Satan laughs uproariously and answers, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news: The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her, everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, \"First, you must wear a diaphragm.\" Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, \"You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm.\" The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm. \"Well, what's the second condition?\" Cinderella asked. The fairy godmother replies, \"You must be back home by 2:00 A.M. Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2 A.M., then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin. She goes on to say that at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home at 2 A.M... At 2 A.M., Cinderella doesn't show up...3 A.M., no Cinderella...4 A.M., no Cinderella...finally, at 5 A.M., Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face. The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, \"Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!\" Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies, \"I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other....\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman goes to the doctors, and says, \"Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.\" The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. \"Well, what is it?\" he asks. \"It's a bit embarrassing,\" she replies, \"These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.\" The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, \"Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?\" The woman blushes and says, \"Well, actually I have.\" \"That's the problem,\" the doctor says, \"Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. \"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!\" he said to the bartender. \"We got her!\" replied the barkeeper. \"She's upstairs in the second room on the right.\" The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, \"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!\" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, \"You found her!\" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. \"How do you know I want to do it in that position?\" asked the miner. \"I don't,\" replied the whore, \"but I thought you might like to open those beers first.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, \"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.\" \"Dear,\" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, \"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking butt!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple on vacation was driving their RV through Wisconsin. As they approached the town of Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth as they entered the town, and continued to bicker while they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter the husband asked the cashier, \"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?\" The girl leaned over the counter and said, \"Burrrrrr-gerrrrrr-Kiiiing.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. \"All this was just too wonderful for words,\" he said, \"but what's the dollar for?\" \"Well,\" she said, \"last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, \"Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!\" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, \"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, \"Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!\" The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a \"little tap\" could scare him so much. The driver, after gathering himself together replied, \"Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Science\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only, ''This page intentionally left blank,'' and 20% of the definitions are of the form ''A"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many ''pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile..."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, \"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.\" The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. \"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.\" Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, \"All right buddy, what's your name?\" \"Sam,\" the man moaned. \"Where ya from, Sam?\" With pain in his voice Sam replied \"The balcony.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, \"What are you up to there, Nancy?\" \"My goldfish died,\" replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, \"and I've just buried him.\" The neighbor was concerned, \"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?\" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, \"That's because he's inside your stupid cat.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens... Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity. Young Cock: Whattya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired. Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some? Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine. Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all. Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition? Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning. Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, \"Damn. That's the fifth gay chicken I bought this week.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert. When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?'' The animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.'' The man asks, ''What is the gun for?'' The animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!'''"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there. Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, \"Jen is the cat there?\" \"Yes, why do you ask?\" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, \"Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. \"Where is he?\" he shouts. \"Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?\" \"I don't know what you're talking about\" she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. \"Aha!\" he thinks, \"That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife.\" He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies. So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died.\" St. Peter says \"You don't belong here; go to Hell.\" He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears. A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me.\" St. Peter wags his finger and says \"I heard about you... you go to Hell too.\" He pulls the lever and the guy disappears. A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, \"Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost.\" \"What do you mean almost?\" question the priest. \"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.\" \"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in,\" explains the priest. \"You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.\" The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, \"I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!\" \"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, \"Sorry, pal. No pets allowed.\" The man replied, \"This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see.\" The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, \"Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips.\" The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. \"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?\" asked the bartender. The man replied, \"I don't know. I've only had him for seven years.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: \"R-r-run you bastard, r-run will you!\" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams \"R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run will you!\" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling \"R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run!\" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, \"He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.\" After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, \"Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, \"You can't bring that dog in here.\" \"You don't understand,\" says the man. \"This is no regular dog, he can talk.\" \"Listen, pal,\" says the bartender. \"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. \"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, \"What's on top of a house?\" \"Roof!\" \"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?\" \"Bark!\" \"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?\" \"Ruth!\" \"I guess you've heard enough,\" says the man. \"I'll take the hundred in twenties.\" The bartender is furious. \"Listen, pal,\" he says, \"get out of here before I belt you.\" As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, \"Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. \"Son\" he said, \"I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?\" The boy responded, \"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.\" \"What was that?\" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, \"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.\" \"Look,\" said the old man, \"I can't understand a word you're saying.\" The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... \"You have to keep the worms warm!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, \"Only a little while.\" The American then asked, \"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?\" The Mexican said, \"With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs.\" The American then asked, \"But what do you do with the rest of your time?\" The Mexican fisherman said, \"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life.\" The American scoffed, \"I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; Eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise.\" The Mexican fisherman asked, \"But, how long will this all take?\" To which the American replied, \"15 to 20 years.\" \"But what then?\" asked the Mexican. The American laughed and said that's the best part. \"When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.\" \"Millions?...Then what?\" The American said, \"Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favorite flies out of their box. Strangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forecast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon. The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognize him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it. With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon. Confused the angel asked God, \"Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson.\" God replied \"I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Last winter, while sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. The guy could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, \"Are there any gators around here?!\" \"Naw,\" the man hollered back, \"they ain't been around for years!\" \"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, \"How did you get rid of the gators?\" \"We didn't do nothin',\" the beachcomber said. \"The sharks got 'em.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: \"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.\" \"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, \"What is three times three?\" \"274\" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, \"It's your turn. What is three times three?\" \"Tuesday,\" replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, \"OK, Your turn. What's three times three?\" \"Nine,\" says the third man. \"That's great,\" says the doctor. \"How did you get that?\" \"Simple,\" says the third man, \"I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An old man went to the doctor for his yearly physical. His wife came along to keep him company. The doctor checked his reflexes, looked down his throat, and listened to his chest with a stethescope. He made a few notes and said, \"I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.\" \"What?\" said the old man, being hard of hearing. \"I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample,\" repeated the doctor loudly. \"What did he say?\" shouted the old man, looking at his wife. \"What's he want?\" His wife yelled into his ear, \"He needs your underwear!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, because I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. \"Ed!\" she harkened. \"The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.\" \"You know where the button is.\" I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). \"Reset it yourself!\" \"I am scared!\" She pleaded. \"What if it starts going and sucks me in?\" Pause. \"C'mon, it'll only take a second.\" No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from \"Big-ol-scary-machine-phobia,\" a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, not without consequence, but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She (\"Buttons\" aka \"the Grater\") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a \"fight or flight\" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the \"flight\" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. \"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?\" If they had only known."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep.. I sleep right in the center groove My human cannot hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight And here is where I pass the night No one disturbs me or dares intrude Till morning comes and \"I want food!\" I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, I have sharp teeth- And my claws I will unsheath For the morning here and it's time to play always seem to get my way. So thank you Lord for giving me This human person that I see. The one who hugs me and holds me tight And sacrifices her bed at night!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "** DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an \"outside\" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs. ** CHAIRS and RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. ** BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare. ** HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called \"helping\", otherwise known as \"hampering.\" Following are the rules for \"hampering\": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump. ** WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. ** BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move round. ** PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say \"I MEANT to do that!\" It fools those humans every time. CAT GAMES: \"Catch Mouse\": The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse! \"King of the Hill\": This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account. WARNING: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill. ** TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys. Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors. Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity. ** PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match. ** FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed. a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking. b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table. c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from. d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave. e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the \"softest\" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively. ** SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise. ** SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no! ** HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Dashing through the park With our noses to the ground Walking on our ears Pretending to be hounds Not using our eyes We navigate by smell If its over an inch high Then, its got a tale to tell Oh, Doggie smells Doggie smells Outside of our home Oh we love those doggie smells When on the leash we roam Doggie smells Doggie smells Marking every tree All our other doggie friends Have stopped right here to pee!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Markin' around The Christmas Tree What a doggie holiday Just doin' what comes naturally Even though it's Christmas Day Markin' around The Christmas Tree Gotta squirt each present twice Spreading our scent on all this stuff It's a doggie paradise There may be some screaming when the humans rise at dawn (but remember) Grandma wraps her gifts in plastic Hey - come on - it's nothing drastic Markin' around the Christmas tree We just do what boydogs do Doin our duty gracefully And we'll share our loot with you Markin' around the Christmas tree All precautions were in vain We must own everything we see So we stake our doggie claim Markin' around the Christmas tree We don't see the problem here But if we're caught we know that we Will be dragged off by the ear People shout and tell us we are evil little curs (but remember) We're not trying to be snotty YOU installed this indoor potty Markin' around the Christmas Tree Gonna check our list off twice When Santa visits, we know he Can just sniff out who is NICE!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone... \"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake,\" said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back ... \"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Dear Sir, I've been having some conflicts between programs lately. I've been running the original version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 as my primary application and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately and it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally object-oriented. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancé 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 also came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he'd heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then, Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? Abbott: Yes, that's correct. Costello: No, what is it? Abbott: Yes. Costello: So, which is the one? Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program. Costello: Stop this. Who are you? Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about yoo'. Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code? Abbott: Use 'what'. Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true? Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0. Costello: Which one? Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which is program name' Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it? Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code. Costello: I want to find the revision code. Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'. Costello: Which command will do what I need? Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'. Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that. Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system. Costello: Write what? Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'. Costello: Cut that out! Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options. Costello: Do you always do this? Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage. Costello: HELP! Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS). Costello: You make me angry. Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once. Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more. Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'. Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now! Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help' and 'more now' is not allowed, but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name. Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC. Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whther you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software: This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come whimpering back to me if it bounces. The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it. This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea. You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, \"So, what was wrong?\" And he replied, \"It was an ID Ten T Error.\" A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. \"An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?\" He gave her a grin... \"Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?\" \"No,\" replied Judy. \"Write it down,\" he said, \"and I think you'll figure it out.\" (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually. Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words: some day you're going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go ... OUTSIDE!!! Here's a guide:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"Honor System Virus\" This virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation."
}
] |