conversations
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, \"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.\"The Irishman replies, \"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self.\"The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.One day, he comes in and orders two pints.All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, \"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.\"The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.\"Oh, no. Everyone's fine,\" He explains, \"It's just that I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Farmer John was taking his cow and it's new born calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however left the new born calf behind.Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.\"Why are you thrashing the poor calf?, his neighbors asked? To which farmer John replied, \"I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am not your mother!, I am not your mother .......!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said \"Well, give me the good news first.\" She said \"The good news is that the air bag works.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, \"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?\"The Lord sighed, and said, \"No, I guess not.\"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, \"Why did you let him do that?\"The Lord smiled and replied, \"Who's he going to tell?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.Finally his exasperated partner says, \"What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!\"The guy answers, \"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.\"\"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, \"Do you serve lawyers here?\".\"Sure do,\" replied the bartender.\"Good,\" said the man. \"Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!\" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, \"Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!\"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever,\" he thought.So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he snuck inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.\"Did you hear that Fluffy died?\" the neighbor asked.\"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?\" Chris mumbled.The neighbor replied: \"We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.\"$10 for 3 minutes,\" replied the pilot.\"That's too much,\" said the farmer.The pilot thought for a second and then said, \"I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.\"The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, \"I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.\"\"Maybe so,\" said the farmer, \"But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane are caught in a snowstorm on the side of a mountain. They stumble across a cave and decide to take shelter.On entering they are greeted by an awful stench which, on inspection, turns out to come from a half-dead goat which has taken refuge in the cave.The three of them debate what to do and the Norwegian agrees to go in first. Five minutes later he staggers out sick with nausea and collapses.Then the Dane goes in and, ten minutes later crawls out and expires.Finally the Swede goes in and, fifteen minutes later.. the goat comes out."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, \"Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you, you could come and go as you please around here?\"Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, \"My lawyer.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. \"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,\" said the man. \"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.\"The son-in-law interrupted, \"I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.\"\"I see,\" replied the father-in-law. \"Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.\"\"I hate office work,\" said the son-on-law. \"I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.\"\"Wait a minute,\" said the father-in-law. \"I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?\"\"Easy,\" said the young man. \"Buy me out.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "When Mother Theresa died she went to Heaven. For a week or two she was fully satisfied that she had to eat only fruits and vegetables, but then one day complained to St.Peter and asked for some cooked meal. - My Dear, - said St.Peter, - and who is going to cook every day for just the three of us?!This Preacher's son asks his father,\"Dad, can I have a car?\" The preacher replies,\", I will get you a car IF you get a haircut.\" Then his son says,\"Dad, Jesus had long hair.\" \"Yeah but he walked everywhere.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. \"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce\", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, \"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.\" The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.\"Wait sir,\" the loan officer said, \"while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?The man smiled. \"Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The following is a status report from a business unit to their Y2K coordinator.\"Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.We are proud to report that we have completed the \"Y-to-K\" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, Decemberand:Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, SaturdakI trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, \"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.\"The professor said \"I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.\"The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, \"I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: Why are the Spice Girls on the pill?A: So they can figure out what day it is.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a Spice Girl's head?A: space invader.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with half a brain?A: Gifted.Q: What do you see if you look into a Spice Girl's eyes?A: The back of her head."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. \"Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.\"\"Fair to both!\" exploded Mrs. LaMay. \"I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for?\"-*-After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, \"I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: \"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.\"\"Now,\" he concluded, \"which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off thelight when he asked with a tremor in his voice, \"Mommy, willyou sleep with me tonight?\"The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. \"I can't,dear,\" she said. \"I have to sleep in Daddy's room.\"A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:\"The big sissy.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Catholic MathLittle Tommy was ding very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.She calls him down to dinner and the her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great tredpidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it?Was it the nuns?Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.Well then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they wern't fooling around."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, \"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.\"The gentleman replied, \"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A minister dies and goes to heaven.Before him is a loudmouth man with a loud shirt, chain pants, and a loud hat. Saint Peter asked the guy what he did for a living. He said \"I was the taxi cab driver of moo yawk city. St. Peter hands him a silk robe, and a golden staff.The minister gets up to St. Peter. St. Peter asked the man what he did for a living. He stood up very straight, and spoke in a loud, clear voice \"I am John C. Maxwell, bishop of St. Mary's Church. St. Peter hands him a cotton robe, and a regular staff.\"Why\", asked the bishop. You let that taxi cab driver have a silk robe and golden staff but not me? St. Peter said \"up here we work by results.\"St. Peter said \"While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An English professor wrote the words, \"Woman without her man is nothing\" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: \"Woman, without her man, is nothing.\"The women wrote: \"Woman! Without her, man is nothing.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, \"You're lying!\".The other politician responded, \"I know, but hear me out.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, \"medium.\"Then the waiter said, \"how about your vegetable?\"Hillary replied, \"Oh, he can order for himself.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, \"s\" will be used instead of the soft \"c\". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard \"c\" will be replaced with \"k.\" Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome \"ph\" will be replaced by \"f\". This will make words like \"fotograf\" 20 per sent shorter.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent \"e\"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing \"th\" by \"z\" and \"W\" by \"V\". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary \"o\" kan be dropd from vords kontaining \"ou\", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A priest went to buy a parrot.\"Are you sure it doesn't swear?\" asked the priest.\"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,\" the storekeeper assured him. \"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left, he recites the 23rd Psalm.\"\"Wonderful!\" said the priest, \"but what happens if you pull both strings?\"\"I'll fall off my friggin' perch, you idiot!\" screeched the parrot."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up.They decided to party instead.Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to twoseparate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.As each sat down, they read the first question.\"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.\"At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. \"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, \"Ask him where the money is.\"The interpreter signs, \"Where's the money?\"The deaf replies, \"I don't know what you're talking about.\" The interpreter tells the hood, \"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.\"The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. \"NOW ask him where the money is.\"The interpreter signs, \"Where is the money?\"The deaf man replies, \"The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate .\"The interpreter says to the hood, \"He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, \"Rest in Peace\". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist replied, \"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill & Hillary Clinton host a large bipartisan dinner party in their personal residence quarters at the White House, including a number of current and former members of Congress, former Presidents Carter, Ford and Bush, along with former Vice Presidents Mondale and Quayle.After the introductory speeches during dinner, Vice President Dan Quayle excused himself to use the bathroom, one adjacent to the First Family's. After a couple of minutes, he returns to his seat, looking rather smug, but says nothing to his wife at the time.After the dinner, as the Quayles returned home, Dan turned to Marilyn and said, \"Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom? How can he pretend to be serious about cutting the budget after buying that?\"Marilyn's initial look of shock turns to a a sly grin as she turns to her husband and says, \"We've really caught him with his pants down this time! As soon as we get home, why don't you call up the paper and give them a little 'insider' information, dear?\"\"That's an excellent idea, Marilyn!\" says Dan to his lovely wife. \"You know, sometimes you're just too smart,\" as he leans over to hug and give his wife a quick kiss on the cheek.The following morning, after the morning editions of the papers have been delivered to the White House residence, Hillary Clinton opens the newspaper over breakfast only to see a bold headline stating \"CLINTONS SPLURGE ON SOLID GOLD URINAL SAYS QUAYLE\" Shaking her head, Hillary smirks and shouts up to the bedroom, \"Bill! I think I know who peed in your Saxophone!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Prime Minister Netanyahu and the Pope have a meeting to explore ways of finding an equitable settlement to the escalating problems in the Middle East.After days of getting nowhere, they decide in desperation to settle their differences by means of a golf match. The agreement is that if the Vatican's player wins, the Pope's views will prevail; if Israel's player wins, Netanyahu's methods will be employed.The Pope decides to recruit Arnold Palmer for the job, but his advisors object that Palmer isn't even a Catholic. \"Not to worry,\" says the Pope. \"We'll make him a Cardinal.\" Palmer is promptly ordained.The match is played, with the entire world aware that the fate of peace in the Middle East is riding on the outcome. Palmer loses.The Pope phones him after the match and gasps in disbelief, \"Arnold, what happened?? We were sure you couldn't possibly lose!\"Palmer replies, \"So was I, Father I'm devastated. I trained for weeks to prepare for this match. But who could know I'd be up against Rabbi Tiger Woods?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.\"What is that phone for?\" he asks the pontiff.\"It's my direct line to the Lord!\"The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord.The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.After hanging up the Rabbi says. \"Thank you very much. This is great!But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges.\" The Pope, of courserefuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.He checks the counter on the phone and says:\"All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira.\"The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official \"visit\".In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divineconsultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: \"1 Shekel 50!\"The Pope looks surprised: \"Why so cheap!\"The Rabbi smiles: \"Local call.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building.The professor of English walking by asked, \"What seems to be the problem?\"\"We,\" said the professor of mathematics, \"were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole.\"The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, \"It is exactly 20 feet long,\" and walked away smoking his pipe.Looking at the English professor's receding back, the professor of physics remarked, \"Smart Ass. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: \"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital.When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible.\"What are you doing?\" the visitor asked.The sick lawyer replied, \"Looking for loopholes.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, \"And what starting salary were you looking for?\"The engineer cooly said, \"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.\"The interviewer said, \"Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?\"The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, \"Wow! Are you kidding?\" .\"Yeah,\" the interviewer shrugged, \"But you started it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, \"Good morning Anthony.\"\"Good morning father,\" replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.\"Father Murphy, what is this?\" Anthony asked.\"Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.\"Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked, \"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There were two old men who had loved baseball all of their life. They had grown up in the same town where they played together thru grade school, high school and then college. After college they didn't have the skill for professional ball so they learned to be umpires in order to stay around the game. They started in the minors and being very good umpires soon moved on to the majors where they umpired for many years. After they retired, they continued to umpire for youth ball like little league.However, as they grew older and older, they started to worry about what it would be like after they died. Would there be baseball after death?Finaly they made a pact. The first one to die would, if at all possible, come back immediately and tell the other about baseball after death.Finaly Joe died and went to Heaven. After much argument he convinced St. Peter to let him return in a dream to his friend Fred and this conversation ensued:Joe: \"Fred, I made it to heaven and I have both good news and bad news\"Fred: \"Well, what is the good news\"Joe: \"We don't have to worry about baseball any more. There is all kinds up here. We can umpire from sand lot ball to the major leagues. In fact I have 3rd base tomorrow night\"Fred: \"THAT'S GREAT!! What could possibly be bad news after that?\"Joe: \"You have the plate!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, \"Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?\"\"Oh, yes, indeed,\" said Auntie, beaming. \"Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way,\" she added, as she held out her hands, \"I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Proposed slogans for Holyfield-Tyson III10. The third Gogh around9. Dahmer vs. Psalmer8. The last supper7. Ear-reconcilable differences6. Grazing Bull5. You wanna piece of me?4. Blood, Sweat and Ears3. Lobe's labor lost2. Bite of the century1. Why? Because I lobe it"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"What's wrong with your husband?\" the psychiatrist asked.\"He thinks he's a chicken,\" answered the woman.\"How long has he been acting like a chicken?\"\"Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, \"Too bad that girls has no standard interface.\"\"They have,\" replied the other programmer, \"but there is no standard way to get to it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, \"Were they ALL dead?\"The old farmer replied, \"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,\"Are there any gators around here?!\"\"Naw,\" the man hollered back, \"they ain't been around for years!\"\"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.About halfway there he asked the guy,\"How'd you get rid of the gators?\"\"We didn't do nothin',\" the beachcomber said.\"The sharks got 'em.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine.She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.\"Is there anything he needs ?\" the distraught woman asked,between tears.The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied,\"He says he'd love a package of cigarettes.\"\"I'll send a carton immediately.\" the woman said joyfully.\"But did he say where I should send them ?\"\"No.\" replied the Seer somberly. \"But he didn't ask for matches.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Staff NoticeWith immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.MANAGEMENT"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, \"I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June.\"The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, \"This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July.\"The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, \"This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August.\"The Devil says, \"That's it, I'll get this farmer.\" He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. \"Lets see what the farmer has to say about THIS.\"A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer -- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, \"The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Coach Walker enters the locker room and eyes one of his players. \"Son, I hate to do this to you. I realize that you're the star of the team, but you're failing your classes and I can't let you play.\"\"Give me a break, coach!\" pleads the jock.\"I'll tell you what - I'll ask you a question, and if you get it right, you can play... what is two plus two?\"The jock counts on his fingers, \"one, two, three,... The answer must be four!\"\"Did you say four?\" asks the excited coach.\"Sure did, Coach!\"As the coach starts to jump and scream in excitement, the other members of the team can be heard begging, \"Gee, come on coach, give him another chance!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign . . .\"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.Caution: Do not step on exhaust.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do.All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, \"The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today.\" Little Johnny said to himself, \"Good, I'm smart and I want to get outa here.\"The teacher asked, \"Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?\" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, \"Abraham Lincoln?\"The teacher said, \"That's right, Susie. You may go.\" Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first.The teacher asked, \"Who said 'I Have a Dream'?\" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, \"Martin Luther King!\" The teacher said, \"That's right, Mary. You may go.\" Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, \"Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?\" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, \"John Kennedy!\"The teacher said, \"That's right, Nancy. You may go.\" Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first.Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, \"I wish these girls would keep their mouths shut!\"The teacher spun around. \"WHO SAID THAT?\" Johnny said, \"BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days.\"Why, my outfit was so well drilled,\" declared one, \"that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.\"\"Very good,\" conceded the other, \"but when my company presented arms you'djust hear slap, slap, jingle.\"\"What was the jingle?\" asked the first. \"Oh,\" replied the other off hand, \"just our medals.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three successful Jewish brothers compared their wealth by the presents they had recently sent their old mother for her 75th birthday.Shlomo, the oldest, said: \"I built a big mansion for our mother.\"Moishe, the second, said: \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\"Ira, the youngest, said: \"You remember how our mama used to enjoy reading the bible? Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible... Mama just has to name the chapter and verse.\"A few days later a letter arrived from their mother.\"Shlomo,\" she wrote, \"the mansion you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\"\"Moishe,\" she wrote, \"I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver - he's a pain in the tuchas.\"\"But Ira,\" she wrote, \"the chicken was delicious!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.The woman said, \"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.\"The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, \"Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!\"The woman says, \"Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "I was attending church as a visitor several weeks ago and heard the following:\"I have good news, and I have bad news.First, the bad news: we need a new roof.Next, the good news: we have the money to pay for it!(waits for pleased murmurs to recede)Next, more bad news: the money is still in your pockets.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking alcohol when all of a sudden, the passenger, Bubba, said, \"Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-lice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!\"\"Don't worry, Bubba,\" Earl said. \"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.\"\"What fer?\", asked Bubba.Just let me do the talkin,' OK?\", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each stuck a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, \"You boys been drinkin'?\"\"No, sir,\" said Earl. \"We's on the patch!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On her way to work a lady passed a new pet shop. She had a few minutes to spare, so she walked into the store and took a look around. Near the store window she saw a cage with a beautiful red parrot in it. She admired him for a few minutes, when the parrot said to her: \"Hey lady, you are really ugly!A little upset at the rude parrot, the woman left the store and went to work.Later that day on her way home from the office she saw the same parrot in the window. Again the parrot squawked: \"Hey lady, you arereally ugly!\"Mad at the bird, she rushed home.When she passed the pet store on her way to work the next morning, the parrot said it again: \"Hey lady, you are really ugly!\"Well, the lady was furious! Cursing in a rather unlady-like manner,she stormed into the store and demanded to see the owner. She told him that she was going to sue him and kill the bird if he didn't stop harassing her. The man behind the counter apologized and promised the bird would not say it again.When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot squawked: \"Hey lady...\"She paused and said, \"Yes?\"And the bird said: \"You know.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Thorn was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it.At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Thorn turned down the soup, so they gave up.In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.When Thorn got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, \"Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, \"Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.\"\"We don't have any.\" replied the first blonde. \"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses.\" said the Game Warden.\"But officer,\" replied the second blonde, \"we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.\"The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. \"Well, I know of no law against it,\" said the Game Warden, \"take all the debris you want.\" And with that, the Game Warden left.As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. \"What a dumb Fish Cop,\" the second blonde said to the other two, \"doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out.The next day he wrote his uncle, \"I chased them through my neighbor's yard, but only got back eleven.\" The uncle wrote back: \"You did all right.I only sent six.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bob was in love with Nancy, the beautiful young woman across the street. Unfortunately Bob had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. One day he read about a school on the other side of the country, that might be able to help him overcome his handicap. So he enrolled for four months.When Bob returned, his buddy Jimmy picked him up at the airport and asked: \"So? Was it worth it? Were they able to help you?\"Bob replied: \"Well - sort - of. - But - now - I - must - talk - very - slow - and - be - very - careful - to - articulate - words - properly.\"Jimmy smiled and said: \"Don't worry! Nancy loves you. I'm sure she'll marry you.\"Later that night Jimmy dropped Bob off at Nancy's house. But about two hours later Bob rang Jimmy's doorbell. Jimmy asked: \"What are you doing here? Does that mean she's not going to marry you after all?\"Bob answered: \"No, - I - don't - think - so.\"\"Why? What happened?\" Jimmy asked.Bob explained: \"Well, - everything - went - well - at - first. - We - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree, - so - I - tried - to - be - witty - and - said:\"Look, - honey, - after - we're - married, - you - can - do - that - to - me!\" - But - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - butt!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says \"I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy.\"Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, \"If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy.\"Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, \"I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.\"At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, \"I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.\"OK, OK, do you see that tree out there?\" he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave.\"Yes, yes, yes!\" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.\"Good,\" said the first bat, \"Because I didn't!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. \"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,\" said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. \"Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach.\"\"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,\" declared Mrs. Jones proudly. \"Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house.\"Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. \"Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does.Nobody.\"\"So what does she do?\" asked the two women, turning to her.\"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lady took her Poodle to the parlor for a haircut. When she asked what it would cost, the girl behind the counter told her \"$60.\"The lady was outraged: \"I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!\"\"But you don't bite, do you?\" the girl replied."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging betweenthem a young man in a three-piece suit.\"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,\" said one.\"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,\" said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called forsilence.\"Bring me my biggest sword,\" said Solomon, \"and I shall hew the youngattorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first lady.But the other woman said, \"Oh Sire, do not spill innocentblood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"The wise king did not hesitate a moment. \"The attorney mustmarry the first lady's daughter,\" he proclaimed.\"But she was willing to hew him in two!\" exclaimed theking's court.\"Indeed,\" said wise King Solomon. \"That shows she is theTRUE mother-in-law.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was this bloke who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy.The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration.Picking up a stick, he throws it and says 'Fetch.' Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says 'Drop' and the dog drops the stick at his feet. 'Roll over' and the dog rolls over.By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go.\"Sure,\" replies the evangelist.\"Heel,\" says the ownerAnd the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man and says, \"I command this sickness to leave you...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill and Hillary Clinton were traveling to Hillary's high school reunion in Chicago when they had to stop for gas. They pulled up to the full-service pump and waited as the gas station attendant came out to fill up the limo. As he was pumping the gas, Hillary said to Bill, \"Gee, that guy looks so familiar!\" A few minutes later, it hit her. \"Bill!\" she said, \"I do know that guy! We used to date in high school!\"Bill turned to Hillary and said, \"Well, aren't you glad you ended up with me?\"\"Why?\" asked Hillary.\"Because I'm the President of the United States and he's pumping gas!\"\"Well,\" said Hillary, \"If I had married him, he'd be President!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The big game hunter gets talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search.He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling and soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.The wife whispers urgently, \"What are we going to do?\"\"Nothing whatsoever,\" responds her husband. \"The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the elephants beating the ants ten to nothing, when the ants gained possession of the ball. The ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the elephants' goal when the elephants' left back came stampeding towards him.The elephant stepped on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee blew his whistle, stopped the game, and gave the elephant the red card.\"Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!\" the other ant players screamed.\"What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?\" the referee asked the distraught elephant.The elephant cried: \"I didn't mean to kill him! I was just trying to trip him!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Ballad Of The Y2K(sing to the tune of \"Gilligan's Island\")Just sit right back and you'll hear a taleOf the doom that is our fate.That started when programmers usedTwo digits for a dateTwo digits for a dateRAM memory was smaller then;Hard drives were tiny, too.\"Four digits are extravagant,So let's get by with two.So let's get by with two.\"\"This works through 1999,\"The programmers did say.\"Unless we write new code by thenThe data goes away.The data goes away.\"But management had not a clue;\"It works fine now, you bet!Rewriting code cost money,We won't do it just yet.We won't do it just yet.\"Now when 2000 rolls aroundIt all goes straight to hell,For zero less then ninety-nine,As anyone can tell.As anyone can tell.The mail won't bring your pension check;It won't be sent to youWhen you're no longer sixty-eightBut minus thirty-two.But minus thirty-two.The problems we're about to faceAre frightening, for sure.And reading every line of code'sThe only certain cure.The only certain cure.[ key change, the big finish coming ]There's not much time, there's too much code,And COBOL-coders, few.When the century is finished,We may be finished, too."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box. The little boy said, \"Republicans.\" The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, \"Thatta boy!\" A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, \"Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?\" The boy said, \"Democrats\" Bush looked crushed, saying, \"What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!\" The boy said, \"Well, the puppies opened their eyes.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could done in metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers.Superman yells down, \"Hey Batman, got anything I can help you with?\" Batman shouts back up, \"No, Superman. I've got everything under control.\"Superman continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, \"Hey Aquaman, gimme something to do!\" Aquaman looks up and yells back, \"Sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here.Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying nude on the beach. \"Yes!\" thinks Superman. \"If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!\" Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught.Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says in surprise, \"What was that all about?\"Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, \"I don't know, but my butt is killing me.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A pirate walks in to a bar, he has the whole pirate gettup: peg leg, funky hat,the long beard, and the parrot. But he has a ship steering wheel in his pants.The bartender says,\"Excuse me, but you have a ship steering wheel in your pants.\"The pirate says,\"Arrrggg, IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, \"What are these, Dad?\" The man matter-of-factly replies, \"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.\" \"Oh I see,\" replied the boys pensively. \"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.\" He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, \"Why are there three in this package.\" The dad replies, \"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.\" \"Cool!\" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks \"Then who are these for?\" \"Those are for college men,\" the dad answers, \"Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.\" \"WOW!\" exclaimed the boy. \"Then who uses these?\" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, \"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, \"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.\"The woman freed the frog and the frog said, \"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) -that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!\"The woman said, \"That would be okay,\" and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, \"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.\"The woman replied, \"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.\"So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, \"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. \" The woman said, \"That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.\"So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, \"I'd like a mild heart attack.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, \"What would you like, sir?\"He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, \"A quickie.\"The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, \"What would you like, sir?\" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, \"A quickie, please.\"This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding \"SMACK!\" and storms away.A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, \"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was way back when buses first came out. There was a young guy who's gramma just died and he needed to get to his other family to tell them. So he gets dressed in a hurry and runs to the bus stop. The bus driver stops and the guy started walking down the aile and the bus driver said to give him a dime(thats how much it cost back then). So the guy says, \"hold on, I'll have to go get a dime from someone.\" The guy starts running down the street asking people for a dime and everyone says no. He finds a prostitute and says, \"Mam can I have a dime, I'll owe you forever.\" She pulls out a dime drops it in her panties \"If you want it, come and get it but you must use your mouth\" After he's been down there, he gets on the bus and spits it into the driver's hand The bus driver says, \"Hey... how far do you think your gonna get on a scab?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Legend has it that in a pub in Newyork has a magic mirror that will grant wishes if you tell the truth.If you don't POOF you're gone in a flash of smoke. A brunette,a redhead and a blonde went to this pub and headed straight for the mirror. The redhead walked up to it and said \"I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world.\" POOF.She was gone. The brunette walked up and said \"I think I am the most sexiest girl in the world.\" POOF.She too had disappaered. The blonde walked up and said \"I think...\" POOF!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The phone rings in the maternity ward. Upon answering, the duty midwife is told by a man \"Mrs Jones is about to give birth, her contractions are just 3 minutes apart!\" The midwife asks \"Is this her first Child?\" Bemused, the man says \"No, don't be daft, this is her Husband!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple made a deal that who ever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. \"Mary... Mary.... \" \"Is that you Fred?\" \"Yes, I have come back like we agreed.\" \"What is it like?\" \"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon - supper - then sex till late at night, sleep, then start all over again.\" \"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.\" * \"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a party on top of a large buildings roof. Two guys were off to the corner when the first guy said \"Watch this\"! and with that jumped off the roof. To the second man's suprise he just stayed suspended there and floated back.\"Wow!\" said the second man, \"I'll give you $20 if you do that again!\" So the first man did it again. Handing over the $20, the second man shouted \"Right! My turn!\" and with that jumped off to his death.Then another man came up and said to the first \"Damn you're a bastard when you're drunk, Superman!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. \"There might be some matches in the top drawer,\" she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. \"Is this your husband?\"he inquired nervously. \"No, silly,\" she replied, snuggling up to him. \"Your boyfriend then?\" he asked. \"No, not at all,\" she said, nibbling away at his ear. \"Well, who is he then?\" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, \"That's me before the operation.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, \"Go ahead, ask me, Iknow all of them.\" A friend says, \"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?\" The blonde replies, \"Oh, that's easy: W.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, \"How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around the shop and says, \"About 2 hours.\" The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, \" How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, \"About 3 hours.\" The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, \"How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around the shop and says, \"About an hour and a half.\" The guy leaves. The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, \"Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes.\" A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, \"Bill, where did he go when he left here?\" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says,\" Your house.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, \"Where are you going?\" He replies, \"To the kitchen.\" She asks, \"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?\" He replies, \"Sure.\" She then asks him, \"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?\" He says, \"No, I can remember that.\" She then says, \"Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that.\" He says, \"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.\" She replies, \"Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.\" With irritation in his voice, he says, \"I don't need to write that down I can remember that.\" He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, \"You forgot my toast.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Dear God, So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.I am very thankful for that.But, in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.Amen"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, \"Good Morning, Mr. Crow.\" Mr. Crow shouted back down, \"Good Morning Mr. Rabbit.\" Mr. Rabbit shouted up, \"Whatcha doin' today?\" and the answer shouted back down was, \"Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothin' and loving it.\" Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, \"Do you think I could do that too?\" Mr. Crow shouted back down, \"I don't see why not!\" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing. In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him. The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a man sitting in a bar drinking a beer when a truckie came in and drank it all. The guy burst into tears.\"It was only a joke, I'll get you another one\" said the truckie.\"That's not it,see I went to work and got fired, then I went to the parking lot and my car was stolen, then I went home to find my wife with another man. So now I'm here, and just when I'm about to end it all, you come in and drink my poisoned Beer."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, 'Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess.'Tonto bends down and put his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, 'Buffalo come.' The Lone Ranger says to Tonto 'How do you know?' Tonto Says 'Ear sticky'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she spoke about her problem with a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, \"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.\" \"That doesn't matter,\" replied the blonde, \"as long as I can sell the car.\" \"Okay,\" said the brunette. \"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be problem to sell it anymore.\" The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, \"Did you sell your car?\" \"No,\" replied the blonde, \"why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a Family in Egypt and is named \"Amal.\" The other goes to a family in Spain; They name him \"Juan.\" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, \"But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. \"Not yet,\" said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. \"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my \"cereal?\" he asks. \"Well,\" his mother says, \"I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning.\" Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, \"Are you going to tell him, or should I?\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which is the other possiblity. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as \"Euro-English.\" In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to oza kombinations of letas. After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Just before Thanksgiving, a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, \"Do these turkeys get any bigger?\" The stock boy replied, \"No ma'am, they're dead.\""
}
] |