conversations
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, \"Take this jar home and nbring me back a sample tomorrow.\" The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: \"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand. but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing.\" The doctor was stunned. \"You asked your neighbor?\" The old man replied, \"Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the darn jar open!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven.Standing outside the perly gates ahe ask ST. Peter what all those clocks were for behind him. He says they are lie clocks everyone has one. He says see this one its Abe Lincolns the hands have only moved one time stateing that he only told one lie in his life. And this one is Mother Terasa's it hasnt moved at all showing she didnt tell not one lie. Hillary then ask well wheres Bills clock. To witch St. Peter replies its hanging in Jesus office he is useing it as a celing fan."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little boy goes to his dad and asks, \"What's politics?\" Dad says, \" Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.\" So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parent's room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to to his father \" I think I understand Politics now.\" The father replies, \"Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is.\" The boy promptly answers, \"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. \"Does this parrot talk?\" she asked. \"Yes, he does,\" the manager told her. \"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?\" \"Well, ma'am,\" the manager explained, \"not everyone would want to own this parrot since he spent years in a whore house and his language is somewhat foul.\" \"Well, I want him,\" she said. \"Suit yourself,\" the manager shrugged. When Hillary got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, \"New house, new madam.\" Hillary laughed. Soon, Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. \"New house, new whores,\" the parrot observed. Hillary explained the bird's history to Chelsea and her friend, so they too, laughed. Later, the President entered the living quarters. The parrot took one look at him and said, \"Hi, Bill!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Yo Mama\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Your momma is so poor when somebody asked her where the bathroom was in her house, she said \"pick a corner.\"Youre momma is so dumb she tried to drown a fishYour momma is so dumb she stole free breadYour momma is so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved to deathYour momma is so dumb she took a spoon to the super bowlYour momma is so old Moses is in her yearbookYour momma is so fat her yearbook picture was taken by sateliteYour momma is so dumb when the baseball coach told her to run home with the ball, she literally ran home with the ball"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Yo Mama\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "yo mama so dumb she so dumb that on her way to disney worldshe saw a sign that said disney world left so she turned around and went back home.yo mama so fat she makes godzilla look like an action figure.yo mama's breath stink so bad people look forward to her farts.yo mama so fat when the cops drove by and saw her on the corner they yelledhey you guys break it up.yo mams so fat her belt size is equatoryo mama so fat when her beeper goes off people think shes backing up."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Yo Mama\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk, \"What's with that guy over there by the wall\"? The clerk replies, \"Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative\". The owner yells, \"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives\"! The clerk says, \"Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough\"!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "1st Officer: \"Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?\" 2nd Officer: \"Who?\" 1st Officer: \"Janet Jackson!\" 2nd Officer: \"What she do, was she speeding?\" 1st Officer: \"Nah, she had one headlight out.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, \"Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!\" \"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!\" Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets. \"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.\" An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, \"I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!\" After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, \"I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job....\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Office Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one day he decided to do the job himself. He pulled up to an old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked on the door. A little old barefoot man wearing overalls answered the knock on the door, only to be confronted by the very well dressed and dignified CEO in a $2,000 navy blue pin-striped business suit, a Hermes silk tie, a starched white shirt with monogrammed cufflinks, $700 shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner. \"Good morning,\" said the well-dressed and impeccably groomed CEO. \"If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.\" \"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!\" said the old man. \"I haven't got any money\" and he proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the CEO wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open. \"Don't be too hasty!\" he said. \"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.\" The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the CEO emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet. \"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, sir, I will personally eat the remainder. I am the CEO! You have my GUARANTEE!\" \"I got a better idea\" said the old man, \"If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls. Your nice suit, your tie, your shoes, everything!\" \"Fine, sir!\" said the CEO confidently. \"I'll give you my clothes!\" \"Lemme ask you somethin', pal...Where are you goin' when you leave here?\" The CEO answered very confidently: \"To a VERY important conference! WHY?\" \"Will they let you in if yer barefoot?\" said the old man. \"Of course not!\" said the CEO. \"How much did you pay for those socks you'v got on?\" asked the old man. \"Fifty dollars\" said the bewildered CEO. \"I ain't never worn fifty dollar socks before!\" said the old man. \"It will be kinda hard for you to wear overalls to work, I guess!\" said the old man. \"WHAT?!\" said the confused CEO. \"And will you show how me to tie a necktie?\" said the old man... One hour later, the door of the apartment opened, and the CEO carefully looked out. Seeing that no one was around, his foot appeared. A bare foot. He stepped out into the hallway - dressed only in overalls and bare feet. His expensive executive suit and tie had vanished, along with his confidence and dignity. The old man watched him run away to his car with a grin, admiring the expensive pinstriped suit and silk tie he had just acquired. He then sat down and pulled on the CEO's fifty dollar socks and gleaming shoes. \"Now I gotta see about payin' that electric bill...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@ HOUSE!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: \"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.\"I have just the thing,\" says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. \"Just place this between your cheek and gum.\" The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, \"And what if I swallow it?\"\"No problem,\" says the barber. \"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "My wife came home yesterday and said, \"Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.\" I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.I thought for a moment, then said, \"You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.\"\"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor\" she insisted.\"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is the car?\"\"In the lake.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, \"Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A kid called up his mum from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mum said, \"Sure, sweetie. Mum will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?\"\"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k.\" Responded the kid.So Mum wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, \"Well how much did you give the boy this time?Mum said, \"Oh, I wrote 2 checks for him, one for $20, and the other for $1000.\"That's $1020!!!\" yelled Dad, \"Are you crazy???\"\"Don't worry hon,\" Mum said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, \"I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three men languished in Purgatory.After a while, they began talking to one another.Eventually, they got around to the age-old question asked by internees everywhere: \"Whaddya in for?\"The first man sighed, rolled his eyes heavenward and said \"Allah forgive me!I am a Moslem, and I once drank beer with my lunch.\"The second man looked ruefully at his bound hands and said \"May the Master of the Universe be truly merciful!I am a Jew, and I had a ham-and-cheese sandwich for lunch.\"The third guy remained quiet for some time, staring at the floor in abject misery.The other two prompted him gently, and finally resorted to shaking him, shouting \"Come on man!What did you do that was so awful?\"The third guy, choking back a sob, said \"I guess I may as well tell you guys... you've been so honest with me.I'm an Episcopalian and, God help me, I used the wrong fork!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, \"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names.\"His buddy hung his head. \"To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, \"Were they ALL dead?\"The old farmer replied, \"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, \"Grandpa, did God make you?\" \"He sure did honey, a long time ago,\" replies her grandpa. \"Well, did God make me?\" asks the little girl. \"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago,\" answers her grandpa. \"Boy,\" says the little girl, \"He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?A. A lobotomy.Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?A. Sue.Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?A. They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?A. Lipstick.Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?A. Skeet.Q. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...A. It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?A. In the city morgue.Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The world's most widely seen warning label: \"Intel Inside\"Windoze 95/98 Tech Support response: \"It's not a bug, it's a feature.\"Apple: \"We may not do everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to change.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Blind Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost. The owner replied, \"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help.\" So she did just that.After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, \"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00.\"The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she laid a stinky, sqeaky fart.The owner rang up the sale and said, \"That'll be fifty dollars.\" \"Fifty dollars?!?!\" the woman exclaimed. \"You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!\"\"Yes, I did\", said the owner, \"But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job. \"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried,\" the Governor muttered.At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. \"Governor,\" the man said, \"is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?\"\"Certainly,\" the governor replied. \"But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.There is a merger in the works involving Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.Others in the works:3M & Goodyear = mmmGoodJohn Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere AbiHoneywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm HomeDenison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney OperaGrey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon PantsKnott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOWCrabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab AppleSwissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = SwisscheeseZippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Music\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced dream mobile.She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up.Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants.He demonstrates:\"Classical,\" he says. \"click\" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.\"Blues,\" she says, and \"click\" a B.B. King classic plays.She drives off amazed.\"Country,\" she says, and \"click\" a Garth Brooks tune comes on.\"Folk\" and \"click\" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.\"New Age\" and \"click\" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road.Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. \"JERK!!!\" she screams. \"click\" \"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The boss called in his star salesman and said, \"I notice on your last expense report you entered '$50 for women' I don't really mind you having a good time and entertaining our clients, but you should be more discreet. From now on list those expenses as being for hunting.\" After that, the salesman's expense account regularly included items of \"$50 for hunting.\" But then one month the first entry read, \"$300 for cleaning rifle.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.Q: What do engineers use for birth control?A: Their personalities.Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold a road map the wrong way."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Dear Bill, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter. Sincerely, Your future father-in-law P.S. Congratulations on winning the Lottery !!!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Math through the ages Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set \"L\" of lumber for a set \"M\" of money. The cardinality of set \"M\" is 100. Eachelement is worth one dollar.Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set \"M\". The set \"C\",the cost of productioncontains 20 fewer points than set \"M\". Represent the set \"C\" as a subset of set \"M\" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set \"P\" for profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making aliving? Topic for class participation after answering the question:How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut downthe trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, acompany improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How muchcapital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stockoptions at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed,because this encourages savings. Teaching Math in 1997: A company outsources all of its loggers.The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product isdown, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The averagelogger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeksvacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. Thecontracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move? Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home anda ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into thelogging company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when henails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Wasoutsourcing the loggers a good move for thecompany? Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOLprogrammer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is theprobability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of00:01, 01/01/2000?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Top 13 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 13. \"They told me at the blood bank this might happen.\" 12. \"This is just a 15 minute power-nap that they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.\" 11. \"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper\" 10. \"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!\" 9. \"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!\" 8. \"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.\" 7. \"I was actually doing a \"Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan\" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.\" 6. \"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?\" 5. \"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.\" 4. \"The coffee machine is broken . . . \" 3. \"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!\" 2. \"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.\" And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. \"Amen\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The young reporter covering Isreali politics took an apartment within sight of the Wailing Wall. Each day she would watch the faithful pray.One rabbi in particular stood out, so fervent were his prayers.One evening she approached him;\"Rabbi, I'm a reporter from America, from my window, each day, I see you pray in the morning and evening at this wall faithfully and with great zeal. How long have you been doing this?\"\"I pray at the wall, twice a day for 30 years.\" was the reply.\"Tell me Rabbi, what is it that you pray for?\"\"I pray at the wall for peace. Peace of mind, peace among nations, peace among families, peace among friends, peace among all people. Each day, twice a day, I come to the wall and I pray.\" \"Tell me Rabbi, when you pray, are your prayers answered?\"What are you kidding? It's like talking to a wall!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.One old lady turns to the other and asks, \"Do you still get horny?\"The other replies, \"Oh, sure I do.\"The first old lady asks, \"What do you do about it?\"The second old lady replies, \"I suck a lifesaver.\"After a few moments, the first old lady asks, \"Who drives you to the beach?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERSIf a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.Quickly turn off the computer. . . . and be sure to tell your mom."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.The blondes applauded."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A US Commerce Department Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. \"This will look nice on my mantelpiece,\" he decides, and takes it home with him.While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. \"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!\"He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.\"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.\" Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.He eagerly gives the genie his third and final wish: \"I wish I'd never have to work ever again.\"POOF! He's back in his government office."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "WHY AIRPLANES ARE BETTER THAN WOMENl. An airplane will kill you quickly...a woman takes her time.2. Airplanes like to do it inverted.3. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.4. An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.5. An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'6. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.7. Airplanes come with manuals.8. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.9. You can fly an airplane any time of the month.10. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.11. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.12. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.13. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.14. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines. 15. It's OK to use tiedowns on your airplane."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her \"no.\" The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, \"Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset.It won't be long.\"He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, \"There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.\"The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, \"Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.\"The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. \"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen...\" The mother broke in, \"My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession.\"Of course, my son,\" said the priest.\"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.\"\"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,\" said the priest.\"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,\" continued the old man.\"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,\" said the priest.\"Thanks, Father,\" said the old man.\"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?\"\"Of course,my son,\" said the priest.The old man asked, \"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"My wife dresses to kill.She cooks the same way.\" ...Henny Youngman \"My wife and I were happy for twenty years.Then we met.\" ...Rodney Dangerfield \"I was married by a judge.I should have asked for a jury.\" ...George Burns"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Mr. Jones was sued by a Mrs. Johnson for defamation of character.She charged that he had called her a pig.Mr. Jones was indeed found guilty and fined.After the trial he asked the judge, \"Your Honor, this means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?\"The judge said that was true.\"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?\" the man asked.The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.Mr. Jones grinned, looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, \"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Secret Service has added a $1M security system to the President and Hillary's new home in suburban New York. The security system includes bullet proof windows, flood lights, and an alarm that goes off whenever Hillary's on her way home."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.2. Leakproof thermoses--will.3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. [By definition]8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Ethnic Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There are many stories related to the sinking of the \"Titanic\". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The \"Titanic\" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE THE AIRLINES UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off.After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline.They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves.They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html.Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful.You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, \"You had to do what with the seat?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three convicts were on the way to prison.They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars.On the bus, one turned to another and said, \"So, what did you bring?\" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.He wanted to become the \"Grandma Moses of Jail.\" Then he asked the first, \"What did you bring?\" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, \"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.\" The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, \"Why are you so smug?What did you bring?\" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.\"I brought these.\" The other two were puzzled and asked, \"What can you do with those?\" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, \"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "REDNECK JEDI You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... ==> You ever heard the phrase, \"May the force be with y'all.\" ==> Your Jedi robe is camouflage. ==> You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. ==> At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. ==> You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. ==> You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. ==> The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. ==> Wookies are offended by your B.O. ==> You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. ==> You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. ==> Your father has ever said to you, \"Shoot, son come on over to the dark side ... it'll be a hoot.\" ==> You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. ==> You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. ==> You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. ==> You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. ==> Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. ==> You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. ==> You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. ==> You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. ==> If you hear . . . \"Luke, I am your father...and your uncle\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, \"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.\"So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceed to talk up a storm.Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.2.There are 10 Commandments, not 12.3.There are 12 Disciples, not 10.4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.6.We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.7.The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, \"Take this and eat it, for it is my body\", he did not say, \"Eat Me\".12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, \"Mary with the Cherry\".13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: \"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!\"14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Judi is explaining to Monika the bad day she'd had at work.Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.Monika said, \"How horrible!What did you do?\" Judi shook her head.\"There was nothing I *could* do.He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Top Ten Signs Your Dog Doesn't Like Your Husband:1. Your dog keeps running away, but you alwaysknow where to find him: In front of your ex-boyfriend's door.2. He brings your husband his slippers and he brings you the car keys.3. He eats a load full of grass in the backyard, comes back in the house and waits by your husband's shoes.4. When he eats his dogfood, he gags everytime your husband walks past him.5. After your wedding, your dog played dead for a week.6. You notice that all the other dogs in the neighborhood keep giving your husband dirty looks.7. When he's supposed to bring your husband the paper, the only part he brings are the \"apartments for rent.\" 8. When your husband walks the dog, your dog tries to drag him to another neighborhood.9. When you come home, your dog comes running over to greet you. When your husband comes home, the dog sits down and starts scraping his butt along the carpeted floor.10. Your husband's cat has been missing for days."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple of carpet layers are installing new carpeting in the home of a pompous rich woman. They get the carpet all layed and one of them can't find his pack of cigarettes. He checks his pockets, etc., until finally his buddy spots a lump under the carpet.\"Geez, he says, we better handle this before she sees it.\"He goes to pull the carpet away from the wall when his buddy says,\"Wait, I have an easier way.\"He takes his hammer and pounds the lump flat. Just then, the woman comes in and asks frantically,\"Have you seen my toy poodle?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, \"Hello?\"Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, \"Is your Daddy home?\".\"Yes.\", whispered the small voice.May I talk with him?\", the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, \"No.\"Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, \"Is your Mommy there?\".\"Yes.\", came the answer.\"May I talk with her?\".Again the small voice whispered, \"No.\"Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.\"Is there any one there besides you?\", the boss asked the child.\"Yes\", whispered the child, \"A policeman.\"Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, \"May I speak with the policeman?\".\"No, he's busy.\", whispered the child.\"Busy doing what?\", asked the boss.\"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.\", came the whispered answer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, \"What is that noise?\".\"A hello-copper.\", answered the whispering voice.\"What is going on there?\", asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice the child answered, \"The search team just landed the hello-copper!\"Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, \"Why are they there?\"Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, \"They're looking for me!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.\"This\", he said, \"is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it\".At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. \"Where is my father\"? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words \"Fishing off Florida\". Clever Dick laughed.\"Actually\", he said, \"my father is dead\"!It had been a tricky question!!The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, \"Where ismy mother's husband\"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:\"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, \"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!\"\"Yes, I'm amazed also,\" came the reply. \"He hated the book.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two men held up a bank.They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, \"Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?\"One of the robbers said, \"What's on your mind, pal?\"\"Would you mind taking the books, too?I'm five thousand short.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, \"Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?\"The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, \"Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, \"Big John doesn't pay!\" and sat down at the back.The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, \"Big John doesn't pay!,\" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, \"And why not?\"With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, \"Big John has a bus pass.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. \"Look,\" said the customer, \"I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?\" \"Sure\", said the bartender, and he did. \"Now,\" said the customer, \"I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.\" \"Certainly.\" And it was done. \"If,\" said the armless man, \"you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer.\" The bartender got it. \"You've been very kind,\" said the customer. \"Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?\" \"Out the door,\" said the bartender, \"turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.\"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'\" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, \"because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump.\"\"You've got it all wrong, Major,\" an Air Force sergeant replied.\"The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to complain about the salary.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Science\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, \"How to Master Your Wife.\"The salesgirl said, \"Our science fiction section is upstairs.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, \"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.\" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, \"OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?\"\"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.\" So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, \"Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!\" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. \"No, no, just name anyone else,\" Bubba says.\"President Clinton, \"his boss quickly retorts.\"Yes,\" Bubba says, \"I know him, let's fly out to Washington.\" And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, \"Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.\" Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.\"The Pope,\" his boss replies.\"Sure!\" says Bubba. \"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time.\" So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, \"This will never work I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.\" And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, \"What happened?\" His boss looks up and says, \"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, \"Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, \"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.\"The professor said \"I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.\"The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, \"I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane are caught in a snowstorm on the side of a mountain. They stumble across a cave and decide to take shelter.On entering they are greeted by an awful stench which, on inspection, turns out to come from a half-dead goat which has taken refuge in the cave.The three of them debate what to do and the Norwegian agrees to go in first. Five minutes later he staggers out sick with nausea and collapses.Then the Dane goes in and, ten minutes later crawls out and expires.Finally the Swede goes in and, fifteen minutes later.. the goat comes out."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The counselor at the \"magnet\" school called a boy (Myrddin) into his office before school started.\"Myrddin, I have some good news and some bad news to relate to you this morning. We've just reviewed all of your personality tests and I'm afraid you have definite homosexual tendencies. And now the good news -- I think you're cute as heck!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts \"RUN! RUN!!\"A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts \"RUN! RUN!!\"Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, \"What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?\" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts \"RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!\" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.So Paddy shouts instead, \"WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "During the height of the cold war, the Americans and the Russians realized that if they continued their arms race, they were going to blow up the whole planet.They arranged a top secret summit, where it was decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They agreed to give each other5 years to breed the two most powerful fighting dogs ever.The winning dog's country would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to submit and lay down its arms.The Russians searched their vast country to find the meanest, most vicious Doberman and Rottweiler breeds and crossed them with the biggest, most dangerous Siberian wolves.They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter and fed it a diet of steroids and trained them to be lethal attack dogs. After five years of fierce breeding, Russiahad managed to create the biggest, most vicious dog the world had ever seen.Finally Russia and America met in Switzerland to let their dogs fight for world domination. Although its cage had 4-inch-thick reinforced steel-bars, everyone was afraid to even go near the Russian monster-dog. When the Russians saw the American dog, they burst into laughter. America had sent a weird looking 9-foot-long Dachshund! The Russian breeders felt a little sorry for the Dachshund, because they knew it didn't have the slightest chance to last even 10 seconds against Russia's killer.When the bell announced the beginning of the fight, the Russian dog leaped out of its cage, snarled, and charged the American Dachshund.The Dachshund slowly waddled out of its cage towards the Russian dog. But just when the Russian champion looked like it was going to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and swallowed the Russian dog with one bite. The Russian monster was gone!The Russian politicians, shaking their heads in disbelief, walked over to the cheering Americans and said: \"We dont understand how this could have happened. We had our best breeders working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler breeds in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves!\"\"That's nothing,\" an American replied. \"We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.The next day, two groups of workers show up. A crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.The company cannot decide whom to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, \"Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job.\"Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.\"YAY!!\" they shout. \"We came back first, we get the job!!\"\"Good work, men,\" says the boss, \"However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down.\"\"Fine, no problem,\" say the men.An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrives. The entire group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.\"What happened to you? What took so long?\" asks the boss incredulously.\"What do you mean, 'what took so long? Do we get the job?\"\"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!\"\"Well, of course they were,\" say the blondes. \"They only put the pole in halfway!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Quasimodo goes to his Parisian Cathedral doctor for his annual checkup.\"I think something is wrong with your back,\" the doctor says.\"Why do you say that?\" asks Quasimodo.\"I don't know,\" the doctor replies. \"It's just a hunch.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, \"This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'\" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; \"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress\". The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! \"You bloody fool!\" he cried, \"You have ruined me!\" The actor was bewildered, \"What happened, did I forget my line?\" He asked.\"No!\" the director screamed, \"You Idiot! you forgot the damn rose!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Father OGrady is standing at the door after Sunday Mass, when Mary Clancy comes up to him, tears rolling down her face.\"Oh Father,\" she cries, \"I have terrible news!\"\"What is it my child?\" She says,\"My husband died last night.\"\"Oh Mary,\" says the priest, \"Thats terrible news. But tell me- did he have any last requests?\"\"Yes he did, Father.\"\"And what exactly did he ask, Mary?\"\"He said Please, Mary. Put the gun down.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Remembering the Quips of Groucho Marx...Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?Room service? Send up a larger room.Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you... He really is an idiot.I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. \"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten.\" he pleaded.The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: \"You know the person that did this really needs help.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby.\"You know, \" says Sadie, \"I've been reading this sex and Marriage book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm; mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about.Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you ever have mutual orgasm?\"\"No,\" says Esther, \"I think we had Allstate.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "When President Jaques Chirac retired from public life, the Australian ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour. At the dinner table Carla Zampatti was talking with Madame Chirac. \"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?\" \"A penis,\" replied Madame Chirac. A shocked hush fell over the table.Everyone heard her answer ... and no one knew what to say next! Jaques Chirac leaned over to his wife and helped. \"Ma cherie,\" he said. \"I believe ze Australians pronounce zat word, 'Happiness!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies.One was Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other was Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far from the convent.SL: Do you notice a man's been following us?SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical.He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no!At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes.What should we do?SL: The only logical thing is to walk faster.SM: It's not working.SL: Of course not.The man did the obvious thing and started walking faster, too.SM: What should we do?At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical is to split.You go that way and I'll go this way.He can't follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and became worried that Sister Logical hadn't arrived.Finally, Sister Logical arrives.SM: Sister Logical!Thank God you are here!Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened.The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.SM: So, what happened?Please tell me.SL: The only logical thing to happen.I started to run as fast as I could.SM: Then what happened?SL: The only logical thing to happen.The man also started to run as fast as he could.SM: And what else?SL: The only logical thing to happen.He reached me.SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?SL: The only logical thing to do.I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister.What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do.He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no!What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?A nun with her dress up can run faster than aman with his pants down.(And you thought this might be a dirty story! Shame on you.Say two Hail Mary's."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Flight Training JournalWeek 1Monday: RainTuesday: RainWednesday: No rain; no visibility either.Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don't know enough to take instructor to lunch.Friday: Fly! Do first stall - and second stall during same maneuver. Cover instructor with lunch. Week 2Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off plexiglass with ice-scraper. Used big scratch as marker to set pitch.Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle \"THAT BIG KNOB THING.\" Also hates when I call instruments \"GADGETS\"Wednesday: Radios won't pick up radio stations, so I turned them off. Instructor seems to think I missed something.Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record -- my first compliment.Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight yet.Week 3Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling her \"BABE\". Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted flight.Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him \"BABE\", too. He got mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine. Aha--progress!Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiancé's house as point again.Friday: Did pattern work. Instructor said that if downwind, base and final formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise!Week 4Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned gray at such an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine but to wait until we reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be out of the shop in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I'm sure my instructor is going gray.Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked why. I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Man goes to see the Rabbi.\"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.\"The Rabbi asked, \"What's wrong?\"The man replied, \"My wife is poisoning me.\"The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, \"How can that be?\"The man then pleads, \"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?\"The Rabbi then offers, \"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.\"A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, \"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?\"The man anxiously says, \"Yes.\"\"Take the poison,\" says the Rabbi."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying \"I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?\" The plumber replied, \"That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, \"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree.\" With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment,\"Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man that was sittingbehind Bill said, \"No, NO, I said throw the first pitch!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.He was furious and said, \"Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!\"\"Yes Sir, Mr. President,\" the interior decorator replied,\"I'll take those mirrors out right away!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.The lawyer said, \"I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip.\"\"That's quite a coincidence,\" said the engineer. \"I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.\"The lawyer looked confused... \"How do you start a flood?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, \"I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?\" St. Peter replied, \"Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: Hey, did you hear that OJ is starting a limo service?A: Yeah, he guarantees that he'll get you there with plenty of time to kill.Q: Did you hear about Delta Burke's tragic suicide attempt?A: She tried to harpoon herself."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: \"I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. \"Hmmm.,\" he thought, \"I'll get to the bottom of this in no time.\"He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.\"Yep, it's working,\" he concluded.The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, \"The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says, \"My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, Monsignor.'\"Second mother says, \"Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'\"Third mother says, \"Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'\"The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, \"My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him.They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary.So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delagation, this time led by the local priest.But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre.The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain.The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain.The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre.The ogre laughed and replied:\"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "When the Son of God was nailed to the cross and died, he went straight down to hell from the cross and set free all the sinners who were there in torment.And the devil wept and mourned, for he thought he would get no more sinners for hell.Then God said to him, \"Do not weep, for I shall send you all those who are self-righteous in their condemnation of sinners and hell shall be filled up once more until I return.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Here are a few new perspectives through which to look at life!1. Follow your dream!Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.Do not walk ahead of me, for Imay not follow.Do not walk beside me, either.Just leave me alone.3. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.4. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.5. It's always darkest before the dawn.So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.6. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.7. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the Whatever group.8. Into every life some rain must fall.Usually when your car windows are down.9. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. (try to avoid doing this to guys over 6'5\", because they can turn your body into an accordion Jershie :)10. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting your mother-in-law stay over.11. It's a small world.So you have to use your elbows a lot.12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.13. Love is like a roller coaster. When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.14. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!(silence)Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sayings According To First GradersA first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:Better to be safe than .... punch a 5th graderStrike while the ... bug is close.It's always darkest before ... daylight savings timeNever underestimate the power of ... termites.You can lead a horse to water but ... how?Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty.No news is ... impossible.A miss is as good as a ... Mrs.You can't teach an old dog ... math.If you lie down with dogs, you ... will stink in the morning.Love all, trust ... me.The pen is mightier than ... the pigs.An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.Where there is smoke, there's ... pollution.Happy is the bride who ... gets all the presents.A penny saved is ... not much.Two is company, three's ... The Musketeers.None are so blind as ... Helen Keller.Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.You get out of something what you ... see pictured on the box.When the blind lead the blind ... get out of the way.There is no fool like ... Aunt Edie.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and ... you have to blow your nose."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support:Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I create a New Document window?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?A: Don't shake it."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, \"I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?\"The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. \"After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?\" he thought.Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.The guy turns to his friend and says \"That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check.\"After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, \"By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?\"The other guy replies, \"Same as his driving.\"\"That good, huh?\"\"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: What do you get when you cross a fly with an elephant?A: A zipper that never forgets.Q: Where does virgin wool come from?A: Ugly sheep.Q: How do you tell when a moth farts?A: It flies in a straight line."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.Both Presidents were shot in the head.Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.Both were assassinated by Southerners.Both were succeeded by Southerners.Both successors were named Johnson.Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.Both assassins were known by their three names.Both names are composed of fifteen letters.Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.And here's the kicker...A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.\"I'll say he is Daddy.\" responded the girl.\"Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with.\""
}
] |