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bill i'm sorry, i invented you to have some fun on hallowe'en and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED

Narrator: A HALLOWE'EN TALE OF TERROR T-Rex: Bill, who had been a werewolf and then a mummy and then a Frankenstein, had finally died. After a lifetime of trials he was, at last, able to rest. T-Rex: This meant, of course, that he was now a ghost!! T-Rex: He had become a restless spirit, forever doomed to walk the Earth as a literal shade of his former self. When he tried to visit his loved ones, he disappeared from their sight as he descended a staircase. When he tried to talk to them, they heard only his moans and cries. And when Bill tried to touch them - to feel the embrace of his family one last time - his hands passed right through. Utahraptor: I thought this was gonna have terror, not pathos and empathy! T-Rex: Oh, that's coming! T-Rex: Bill's journey to this moment had begun with a random werewolf bite years ago, which infected him with lycanthropia. This was a clear metaphor for the fatal diseases carried and transmitted by mosquitoes, such as malaria, West Nile, encephalitis (BRAIN INFLAMMATION), and more. T-Rex: Mosquitos kill over a million people each year, more than any other organism. They are the deadliest animal in the world, and when they unjustly, unfairly, and RANDOMLY end your life, you might not even notice. T-Rex and off panel (punchline): Spooooooooky

i do not have a human baby but it is my understanding they too love belly rubs and dog treats and i am NOT looking to have my understanding corrected

Narrator: DOG COMICS Narrator: (READ THIS COMIC ALOUD TO YOUR DOG TO CREATE MAXIMUM DOG COMIC ENJOYMENT) T-Rex: Who is a good dog? Is it you? Is it YOU? T-Rex: Treat? TREAT?? Are you a good dog who wants a treat?? [Feed the dog a treat.] Dromiceiomimus: Gentle. Gentle. Good dog. [Rub the dog's belly.] T-Rex: There's a good dog! Aww, there's the best dog in the world. T-Rex: Do you want to go for a walk? Utahraptor: Make a poop? Are you gonna make a poop? T-Rex and Utahraptor: [Allow the dog to produce a poop. Dispose of it in a plastic bag.] There's a good dog. Look at this ball! Look at this ball! [Throw a ball for the dog.] Narrator: THIS CONCLUDES COMICS FOR DOGS Narrator: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A DOG AVAILABLE WHEN READING THIS COMIC, YOU MAY EASILY SUBSTITUTE A HUMAN BABY Narrator (punchline): THE END

YES UTAHRAPTOR USED A NUMBER IN THE LAST PANEL AND YES IT WAS WORTH IT, YES I ASSUMED THEY WERE SIX INCH SUB SANDWICHES AND YES THEY ARE DELICIOUS

Narrator: LET'S TALK ABOUT SPACE without using numbers T-Rex: Space is really big! Why, the diameter of our solar system alone is at least 9 BILLION kilome- T-Rex: -uh- T-Rex: -the diameter of our solar system alone is at least a lot of kilometers. It's plenty of them. It's at least SO MANY kilometers that if you started walking today, and could live in space without dying for some reason, it would take you OVER 170 THOUSAND yea- T-Rex: -uh- Utahraptor: Geez, T-Rex, take a breather. I GOT THIS. T-Rex: Phew! Utahraptor: Hi. Space is so big that everything can fit inside it and it's STILL mostly empty. Odds are if you were dropped randomly anywhere in the universe it would kill you instantly, and Earth is the only place we know of where the environment is not constantly trying to murder us, except of course when it is. Off panel: Also, our solar system is so big that if you put a single file trail of sandwiches in Earth's orbit, we would be hit by 197 THOUSAND sandwiches per second for a full year. T-Rex: Can we do that? Off panel (punchline): Technologically? No. Ethically... MAYBE??

Let's just say that when it comes to Poison Ivy, you'll have a lot of trouble picking her out and will often confuse her with similar-looking but distinct plants I MEAN CHARACTERS

T-Rex: Bruce Swaine, my ORIGINAL CHARACTER who dressed up as a different kind of bat to fight the same sort of crime, scowled. He was facing a new plant-themed enemy! Her name... T-Rex: ...was POISON ASH! T-Rex: She could control plants and was also really good with toxins. Dromiceiomimus: Huh. This sounds really similar to ANOTHER character I'm familiar with. T-Rex: Ah, I see the confusion. You're thinking of the character of Poison IVY, a.k.a "Pamela Isley". MY character is one ASHLEY Isley, aka Poison ASH. T-Rex: Completely different. T-Rex: Also known as "Poison Sumac", Ashley fights for the rights of plants, especially those that inhabit wet and clay soils! Utahraptor: Huh! Utahraptor: Does she hang out with Double Face? T-Rex: She does, yes. But while Double Face - a.k.a. "Harby Dant" - enjoys pair-themed crime, Ashley goes in more for greenhouses!! So when two greenhouses get robbed, Bruce is left saying "Heck, it could be either of them." T-Rex: I don't want to spoil the ending but let me just say... when it comes to Poison Ash, you'll be ITCHING for more! Off panel: That makes me want to run away from your story forever. T-Rex (punchline): Yes that keeps happening and I can't figure out why

you can tell this is an olde-timey tradition because the sole reason you would find someone staring at a mirror in a dark room is if nobody had invented staring at a fun computer game in a dark room yet

T-Rex: Hallowe'en is a night for going out and soliciting treats or, failing that, tricks! This is our cool tradition. T-Rex: ...BUT ARE THERE OTHERS?? T-Rex: SPOILER ALERT: yes, absolutely, our great grandparents had more boring things to do!! T-Rex: For example, you could peel an apple in a giant strip, and then toss the apple peel over your shoulder! ON HALLOWE'EN AND ON HALLOWE'EN ONLY, the apple peel will land... IN A CRUDE APPROXIMATION OF THE SHAPE OF THE FIRST LETTER OF YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE'S NAME!! Utahraptor: That could marginally help narrow down the field of contenders! T-Rex: RIGHT? T-Rex: Also, stare into a mirror in a dark room, and your future spouse's face will eventually appear! And if you're to die unmarried, you'll get to see a cool skull instead! Utahraptor: Do any of these NOT rely on our ability to manufacture patterns from random noise, assigning them outsized significance? [T-Rex is crying black tears] T-Rex: NO, ALL WILL BE LOCKED IN DARKNESS, ALL WILL EAT APPLE PEELS OFF THE FLOOR T-Rex: THE HALLUCINATIONS WILL COME T-Rex: THE HALLUCINATIONS T-Rex: ARE T-Rex (punchline): MANDATORY

in case you're wondering about that first question, the whole universe is OVER 50,000 pounds in mass. now you know, tell your friends

T-Rex: Wikipedia is too big! There's like, over 4000 words in it! T-Rex: It's actually way over 4000 words, if we're being completely honest with each other!! T-Rex: We're talking MILLIONS OF WORDS. And it's like, hello, who has time to read a million words? NOT NOBODY. If Wikipedia ACTUALLY WANTS TO BE READ, it needs to be condensed. LEARNABLE. And now it's done! Yes, Wikipedia is no longer something you can get lost in (WHICH IS A BAD THING, BEING LOST IS BAD). Instead, it's something you can read and say "That was okay, I guess!!" Utahraptor: You vandalized Wikipedia?? T-Rex: NO, I didn't "VANDALIZE WIKIPEDIA". Gosh. T-Rex: I started my OWN Wikipedia, called "ONLY THE GOOD STUFF...IPEDIA" that's got just the solid gold hits. How heavy is the whole universe? What does a naked dinosaur look like? That and literally DOZENS of other questions are answered in convenient, superficial detail! Website: WELCOME TO... Website: ONLY THE GOOD STUFF...IPEDIA. Website: YOU HAVE SEARCHED FOR: "what does a naked dinosaur look like" Website (punchline): FRIENDO, FEAST YOUR EYES

there wasn't room in panel 2 for t-rex to talk about how cool it is that your entire body is the trigger for this weapon, but yeah, it's pretty cool

T-Rex: From the emotionless machine, you select your weapon. There are many like it, but this one is yours. T-Rex: The place is Earth. The year: THREE SECONDS FROM TOMORROW. T-Rex: You feel the weight of 7.26kg of precision-engineered materials - constructed from acids, esters, and even organic compounds - as your hand settles inside it. Attached to the end of your arm is now as perfect a sphere as current technology and economics will permit to be built, all coated in a new reactive resin, invented solely to increase its - and therefore your - performance. Utahraptor: For despite all its technology, a LIVING HOST is still required to fire this weapon. T-Rex: PRECISELY. T-Rex: You get as close to your targets as law permits. Though this is merely "practice", a dispassionate computer system still judges your performance and ranks you against your peers in the League. This is your moment. You focus. Utahraptor: You aim. T-Rex: You take a few steps forward, and...! T-Rex: ...you huck the ball at some sticks of wood a little ways away from you!! But instead of hitting the pins it goes into the FRIGGING GUTTER. Narrator: BOWLING AS SHE IS PLAYED T-Rex (punchline): You decide to eat some weird nachos and drink overpriced beer instead, THE END

never in the course of dinosaur events has one man been so rudely owned

T-Rex: David looked out at the edge of the sky, for yes, he lived in a world with a rim. A... "sky rim", if you will. T-Rex: ATTENTION: THIS IS NOT A STORY ABOUT SKYRIM. I just liked the name!! T-Rex: David was actually a tiny flightless bug on a teacup, you see, and so the edge - or "rim" of the teacup was the "sky rim" to which he and I were both referring just now. Dromiceiomimus: Oh, I thought you were referring to the Skyrim game that's a mixture of action and high fanta- T-Rex: NOPE, THIS IS A DIFFERENT FRANCHISE. Utahraptor: "Franchise". T-Rex: Yep! FRANCHISE. T-Rex: The world will demand MORE stories of "David the tiny flightless bug on a cup outdoors". What's his origin? That'll be answered in "Skyrim: Legends". Does he ever get cold? We'll find out in "Skyrim: Shivering Isles". Has he ever crawled onto the documents of old men? Check in with "SKYRIM: The Elder Scro-- T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Man he didn't even let me close my quotation mark before he left; that is a RUDE OWNING

we're all counting on you, peter

T-Rex: It is the future, and due to friggin' PETER being bad at backups, all culture from the 21st century has been lost. All of it. T-Rex: "Guys, I REALLY thought I backed it up" -FRIGGIN PETER. T-Rex: Anyway, because of this culture stops with the release of Spice World in 1998, and then SCENE MISSING, and then we jump right to the insecto/Earthican crossover art inspired by the coming of the monstrous Arachno Space Queen of 2355. Dromiceiomimus: It's all gone? All of it? T-Rex: GONE FOREVER. This is, briefly, an incalculable loss! Utahraptor: But artists, armed with a known start and end point, soon start filling in the blanks! T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: They imagine CENTURIES of art that might've taken place! These new cultural histories - thoughtful, brilliant, challenging - are soon vastly superior to what really happened, and for the rest of time artists always challenge themselves to create a better story for our missing years. T-Rex: In the end, despite all our struggle, our only effect on future generations was to make them want to imagine a better version of ourselves. Off panel: That's actually pretty sweet. T-Rex: Yeah man. HEY, SENIORS! T-Rex (punchline): WHO'S THE GREATEST GENERATION NOW??

LATER: somehow - SOMEHOW - the internet has become the source of 100% of my problems

T-Rex: Computers are perfect calculating machines! That means that once I write a rad website (WHICH I DID), then I now am good FOR LIFE. It will run forever! T-Rex: Hooray for computers!! Narrator: LATER: Dromiceiomimus: Oh hey, T-Rex, the site you wrote is down: looks like the server filled itself up with log files. T-Rex: Dang it! Okay well I guess I'll just erase everything and restart. That fixes things, right? T-Rex: Like, always? Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Site's down! Looks like a hardware failure or three! T-Rex: DANG IT Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Site's busted! Looks like hackers used some unpatched vulnerabilities. Now your website says "HI, I DO ALL THIS EMBARRASSING SEX STUFF" and then there's a list of fun things you do. I had no idea! T-Rex: DANG IT!! Narrator: LATER, T-REX GETS A CONCERNED CALL FROM HIS MOTHER: T-Rex (punchline): Mom, I am speaking to you on speakerphone! And may I be the first to assure you: that list is, at best, only PARTIALLY accurate

now i'm no scientist, but if history is any indication, reading this comic will cause carly rae jepsen to invent tnt

T-Rex: Whenever an entertainer dies, obituary writers like to sum up their lives with a line from their most famous work. Leonard Nimoy lived long and prospered, remember? Narrator: UPCOMING OBITUARIES FOR ENTERTAINERS Dromiceiomimus: "Whoomp, There It Was"! T-Rex: "I Hope He Had The Time of His Life"! Dromiceiomimus: "The Force Was With Him"? T-Rex: "Heaven Called Her, Maybe"? T-Rex: "Maybe" is there because the headline writer took it hard and is now questioning his Christian faith! Utahraptor: Kinda depressing, isn't it? Knowing what your obit headline will be? T-Rex: I mean, not really! T-Rex: It means you've accomplished something! You've touched the world and left a mark that will outlive you. That's good! Utahraptor: Yours would be "Today Was A Good Day For Stomping On Things". T-Rex: Haha, I haven't said that for years! T-Rex: Update your obituaries, for my new thing is saying "T-Rex ruled while others drooled"!! IT IMPLIES YOU DROOLING WITH STUPIDITY, BUT ALSO WITH ANTICIPATION, BECAUSE I'M HOT T-Rex (punchline): BEHOLD MY LEGACY

okay now "greetings from earth" just sounds insanely badass

T-Rex: The Voyager 1 spacecraft is the furthest Earth-made object, tearing away from us at 62,140km/h. We stole energy from JUPITER HERSELF to speed it up to a level that can only be scientifically described as... T-Rex: ...TOTALLY CRAZY INSANE?? T-Rex: But - it made sense. If you want to send probes around in space, the logical thing to do is use planetary orbits to speed them up. And when you're done, sending them into deep space on a symbolic exploration mission seems logical too! You don't want them back. They're moving too fast. Dromiceiomimus: But if that's the logical thing to do... T-Rex: ...and if we assume other solar systems with life would behave the same.... Utahraptor: THEN WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE THE COSMOS IS ENDLESSLY TORPEDOED BY HIGH-ENERGY PROJECTILES?? T-Rex: Yes. YES. T-Rex: Probes sent by every civilization ancient and modern, each weighing as much as a car, each travelling an order of magnitude faster than a speeding bullet, unintentionally smashing into planets, interstellar transports, critical infrastructure... Utahraptor: ...messages of galactic friendship engraved on their sides. T-Rex: Ah well, it's still way more likely that we'd be hit by an asteroid than an ancient forgotten alien probe! T-Rex: ...Alright! Note to self: T-Rex (punchline): Find out why EVERYONE keeps getting silent and awkward whenever I say that??

back once again with the mean creator, feelings damager, power to the people

T-Rex: Back once again T-Rex: Back once again T-Rex: Back once again T-Rex: Back once again with the ill behaviour, it's the Renegade Master! God: T-REX THAT REFERENCE IS TO A SONG THAT DATES TO THE MID NINETIES God: AND ALSO IS SLIGHTLY INCORRECT T-Rex: Are you saying, God... that my references are too off the hook for you?? God: AW GEEZ THAT SLANG IS ITSELF OVER A DECADE OLD COME ON T-REX SERIOUSLY God: I NEVER WOULD'VE CREATED THE UNIVERSE IF I KNEW IT WOULD TURN OUT THIS EMBARRASSING T-Rex: I refuse to acquiesce! I will reference ANYTHING I WANT, anytime I want! Utahraptor: That's the spirit! Utahraptor: Specifically, that's the spirit that results in our grandparents being so completely out of touch with both their slang and cultural references. T-Rex: Oh. Utahraptor: But there's always the alternative of trying hard and ending up in a tragic "how do you do, fellow kids" state. Up to you!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Back once again T-Rex: Back once again T-Rex: Back once again T-Rex: Back once again with the mean creator God (punchline): HEY

[EDITOR'S NOTE: okay seriously though, those are some really great shades]

T-Rex: Every choice we make creates a universe where we went a different way! And, thanks to the miracle of INTERNET WEBSITES, we can now peer into these alternate worlds, these roads untaken, and finally discover - Narrator: WHAT WOULD YOUR LIFE BE LIKE IF YOUR PARENTS HAD NAMED YOU "TJ COOL SHADES"? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, have you met TJ Cool Shades yet? Dromiceiomimus: Not yet, but he or she sounds, uh, INCREDIBLY COOL? T-Rex: I know!! I heard TJCS actually wears cool shades in the SHOWER. Is there anything cooler than shades in the shower?? Dromiceiomimus: YOU KNOW THERE ISN'T!! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: TJCS has been elected world leader! T-Rex: Can't say I'm surprised. Those shades! Utahraptor: Wait, I'm getting news on our cyberimplants (which we all have because this timeline rules): aliens have landed! TJ Cool Shades is greeting them in the name of peace! They're speaking to us, it's - yes, yes, the translation is coming through now! "We like your shades!" T-Rex: Well this sequence of events certainly compares favourably to whatever compromises TJCS would've been forced to make in an alternate universe in which they were born with an inferior name!! Editor (punchline): [EDITOR'S NOTE: okay wow this is hard to transcribe but at this point T-Rex and Utahraptor just, IN UNISON, made the sound of a sigh so content it breaks your heart??]

okay just gotta pull a slight variation on the shocked-looking face i use for every thumbnail because i read that might slightly increase engagement and we're OUT

T-Rex: Bad news, everyone! Feelings you experience without sharing them with LITERALLY EVERYONE AROUND YOU are over now. From now on, all emotions are performative emotions! T-Rex: AHHH I'M SO EXCITED AND YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE I'M SCREAMING IN A RESTAURANT T-Rex: Remember that feeling you'd have on your birthday, when everyone watched you unwrap a present, and you'd sit there knowing what response they want and hoping you can perform it to their standards lest you appear ungrateful or selfish? Well, it's mandatory now. Dromiceiomimus: And you'd BETTER be posting about each feeling you have. T-Rex: WITH PICS. Pics or it didn't happen to your emotional equilibrium. Utahraptor: What about those of us who don't feel compelled to share our every feeling with - T-Rex: SILENCE, THAT'S OVER NOW T-Rex: Listen: the best feelings are the ones that get the most likes. You didn't sign up to social media to NOT get likes, did you? Utahraptor: I - I guess not. T-Rex: Well. There's your answer. Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: Guys! When I opened up YouTube and turned on my webcam first thing this morning, I felt a long and sustained sense of endless, fathomless ennui!! T-Rex (punchline): Alright my dudes, don't forget to like and subscribe

design for the cultured gentleman or lady who wants to abandon their life on a moment's notice™

T-Rex: Okay, I should've been an interior decorator, because I've got the best ideas. I've got THE BEST FRIGGIN IDEAS. T-Rex: And to prove it, here's one of my best friggin' ideas!! T-Rex: What you do is you have a bunch of framed newspaper front pages of major world events: walking on the moon, archduke assassination, etc. All the greatest hits of the past 200 years. Dromiceiomimus: Old papers look classy and cultured, so you'll look classy and cultured too! T-Rex: Exactly! But when someone asks about them, you say they're "TEMPORAL CANARIES". Utahraptor: You'll be the first to notice if someone changes the past, because the papers will change! T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: And here's the kicker: among all these framed pages of war and peace, you have one story that's just completely irrelevant, some small town non-story. And when someone asks about THAT, you look at it, your smile fades, you say "OH GOD, IT'S CHANGED, THERE'S NO TIME" and you run outside. T-Rex: You abandon your past life and are never seen again. You become a LEGEND. T-Rex: T-Rex's Interior Decoration: Because Good Design Can Set You Free™ T-Rex: Forever, Endlessly Free™ T-Rex (punchline): There's No Going Back And No God Can Judge You™

but also i am also entirely happy to wait, thank you

T-Rex: Frig, my computer crashed and I lost an hour of work! Frig frig frig! T-Rex: Looks like I've been... T-Rex: ...PRANKED AGAIN?? T-Rex: It's my latest thing, Dromiceiomimus. When anything bad happens to me I say "pranked again"! Cut off in traffic? Man, that guy sure is a prankster! Card declined? Those pranksters at the credit card company sure do love trying to own me! Excuse me while I go call them and tell them to maybe lay off the pranks for a bit!! Utahraptor: What happens if a loved one dies? T-Rex: Hah, they got me good this time!! LEGENDARY prank. T-Rex: It turns the world into one full of mischievous pranksters all obsessed with tricking me, instead of what it normally is, which is a chaotic and indifferent universe inexorably trending towards heat death and maximum entropy!! Utahraptor: Hah hah T-Rex: Hah hah hah hah God: T-REX WHAT IF WHEN THE UNIVERSE COOLS TO A DEAD AND SILENT MASS I SAID "PRANKS FOR THE MEMORIES" T-Rex (punchline): Uh... CAN'T WAIT??

AT LEAST TWO NACELLES ARE REQUIRED BUT THEY CAN'T "BE THE EARS", SO EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP TALKING ABOUT A CAT ENTERPRISE RIGHT AWAY

T-Rex: Attention world! Who wants to hear my CONTROVERSIAL OPINIONS?? Off panel: Woo! Off panel: Yes please!! T-Rex: ...about STARSHIP DESIGN? Off panel: oh no, pranked again T-Rex: Here's an opinion to whet your appetite, Dromiceiomimus! I think if Starfleet designed starships where the saucer section was VERTICAL, rather than horizontal, it would be a striking look, one not incompatible with existing warp field physics! Dromiceiomimus: Amazing! That one starship design opinion has somehow fully satisfied my need for all such opinions for the next... THIRTY YEARS?? Utahraptor: I have some opinions about starship design too! T-Rex: Please, lay 'em on me! Utahraptor: I like it when they look like cats. T-Rex: ...What? Utahraptor: I think it'd be cute! How come more starships don't look like cats? T-Rex: BECAUSE THERE ARE RULES ABOUT SUBSPACE FIELD MANIPULATION!! Off panel: They're imaginary rules for imaginary ships! It doesn't matter! T-Rex: YES, WELL, I'VE SPENT 20 YEARS ASSUMING IT DOES T-Rex (punchline): SO UH, WAY TOO LATE TO BACK OUT NOW

i don't think i need the nobel prize or nothin', but i can without exaggeration say this: i have come up with a problem that is ACTUALLY SOLVED by jerking off

T-Rex: There are a lot of creepy old men out there in the world! But they were once young men too. Perhaps even as young as... MYSELF?? T-Rex: WHO THEREFORE CARRIES WITHIN HIMSELF THE POTENTIAL TO BE A CREEPY OLD GUY TOO?? T-Rex: So if we agree that each man - all of us - has within ourselves the potential to be a dirty old guy who hangs out by the pool and hits on 18-year-olds, how do we stop that? Dromiceiomimus: Through a lifetime of reasonable decision making and emotional maturity? T-Rex: NOPE. Through DONATING SPERM. T-Rex: Through DONATING SPERM as SOON as FRIGGIN' POSSIBLE. Utahraptor: Gonna have to walk me through this one, T-Rex. T-Rex: It's a line in the sand, my dude! T-Rex: I donate sperm at 20, then by 38, ANY 18-year-old has a non-zero chance of being my OFFSPRING. It's a line in the sand I can never cross! And as sperm stays good indefinitely, it means that line ages with me: I can never date younger than my current age minus the age I first donated sperm! T-Rex (punchline): CONCERNS ABOUT AGING WITH RESPECTABILITY: SATISFIED??

Volcanoes probably create lightning by charged particles inside their ash clouds! AND THAT'S EVEN *MORE* SCIENCE FOR YOUR PEEPERS, WHICH SCIENTISTS ALSO CALL "EYES"!!

T-Rex: As a lesson in applied science, "Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac fails on every conceivable level! Narrator: LET'S LEARN SCIENCE FROM MUSIC Narrator: today's song: "DREAMS" BY FLEETWOOD MAC T-Rex: Thunder does not only happen when it's raining: "thundersnow" is possible, and thunder without precipitation, called "dry thunder", also exists. If that weren't bad enough, saying players only love you when they're playing is reductive and misleading. Many players are capable of sustained and sincere affection. Dromiceiomimus: I've met some! T-Rex: They're great. Utahraptor: CORRECTION: thunder requires at least SOME precipitation! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: While "dry thunder" involves no precipitation hitting the GROUND, that's because it evaporates on the way down. T-Rex: Interesting! But erupting volcanoes can also create lightning (and therefore thunder) and that involves no precipitation, unless you count ash. Narrator: CONCLUSION: T-Rex: We all learned a lot about both thunder and science today, and it all came from willfully misunderstanding metaphors in a work of art!! Off panel (punchline): SUCCESS

Sherlock explained to the police that just because you're smart doesn't mean you know everything, but the police didn't want to hear it, least of all from him. He was unpopular with the police for a bit until he solved some new regular crimes, and everyone forgot about it.

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes, who we all already deduced was the world's greatest detective, frowned. He was faced with a new crime! And it was a crime unlike any he'd seen before. This crime... T-Rex: ...was a COMPUTER CRIME. T-Rex: Yes, computers had been invented ahead of schedule and now Sherlock had to figure them out. Apparently SOMEONE had added an IP tunnel to the police's VPN and had installed a deadman's switch to hold their data ransom! Sherlock frowned again. There were a lot of words in that last sentence that he didn't even know. He needed to learn about hacking and computers, STAT. T-Rex: What was an integer, and what did it matter if it overflowed? Utahraptor: Also, was that bad? It sounds bad. T-Rex: People made a lot of noise about computers being logical machines and Sherlock's mind being logical too, so this should be easy, but it wasn't. Sherlock didn't have the knowledge to even BEGIN approaching a solution to this problem. It required years of study just to get a solid theoretical grounding! T-Rex: By that time, of course, the police had long since paid off their anonymous criminal and recovered their data. T-Rex: To this day Sherlock enjoys making little computer programs for fun. T-Rex (punchline): THE END.

there is a nonzero chance someone will look up furries after reading this comic and then, FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE, have to credit me with their sexual awakening. YOU'RE WELCOME; remember me fondly

T-Rex: Fifteen years ago people were first getting on the internet, seeing drawings of cartoon anthropomorphic animals, and going "okay wow guess that's what I'm into, LET'S DO THIS". T-Rex: And that's how tons of people found out they were furries! T-Rex: But it's ENTIRELY REASONABLE that if these people never got on the internet, they would've never DISCOVERED that was what they were into, never tripped over their own fetish like that. The depth and breadth of the internet has given us a hugely larger furry community than we'd otherwise have! Utahraptor: So fifty years ago, much fewer furries! T-Rex: EXACTLY. T-Rex: Or more precisely: the SAME amount but undetected, even to themselves! This means there were ALWAYS furries, but they just need to be activated by seeing the right imagery. There's only one conclusion: T-Rex and Utahraptor: SECRET FURRIES THROUGHOUT HISTORY. Off panel: Lincoln? T-Rex: Potential furry! Off panel: Napoleon? T-Rex: DEFINITE POTENTIAL FURRY. Off panel: Oppenheimer? T-Rex (punchline): "Now I am become furry, the yiffer of worlds" is, I believe, the gist of his famous quote

i've reminded us all that hope can always lead to disappointment!!! YOU'RE WELCOME; remember me fondly

T-Rex: Today is the day nothing can possibly go wrong! For today is the day I am wearing... T-Rex: ...MY NEW HAT. Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex: It has been brought to my attention that I somehow forgot to wear my hat, new or otherwise. Today is an unmitigated catastrophe from which there can be no recovery. Dromiceiomimus: Your new hat was a curse; had it not existed you would never have known the fount of despair that comes from forgetting to wear it. T-Rex: Hard agree. Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: T-Rex: Now, TODAY is the day I wear my new hat! I - Utahraptor: Hatless again, my dude. T-Rex: Utahraptor, if someone tells you making change is easy, you call them a liar. I've been trying to wear a new hat for two days and I still can't nail it. Who's the philosopher who said life is suffering? Utahraptor: Um... all of them, at some point? T-Rex: Well, they NAILED IT. Narrator: TWO DAYS LATER: T-Rex: I wore my new hat yesterday!! And I will say this: T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): It was JUST OKAY

THERE! The only puberty guide you'll ever need, and you just got it for free from a webcomic. YOU'RE WELCOME; remember me fondly when the reaving begins

T-Rex: Sometimes it can be hard to talk to young people about their changing bodies. Well worry no longer, thanks to this extremely convenient - Narrator: COMIC TO GIVE TO YOUNG PEOPLE TO TALK ABOUT THEIR CHANGING BODIES T-Rex: Young people! Your bodies are changing. You are probably noticing a changing voice, hair where there was no hair before, your knees bending backwards, your neck growing longer than your arms, and your fingers becoming vestigial as they're replaced by bulbous ovipositors. This is all, to a large extent, normal. Utahraptor: T-Rex you're thinking of monsterism, not puberty!! T-Rex: OH, MY MISTAKE! T-Rex: Sorry tweens. Instead of becoming a twisted abomination of flesh and bone, parts of you are just getting bigger while others get smellier. Happens to the best of us. Maybe take some more showers. T-Rex: [small] But if your eyes become mouths filled with teeth then you have been chosen to cleanse the world T-Rex: Attention, parents who skimmed the first two panels and then glanced to the end to make sure everything's fine! IT IS! T-Rex: OR RATHER... T-Rex (punchline): ...IT SOON WILL BE

ah yes, the problem of having SO MANY GREAT IDEAS / fully original characters

T-Rex: People say inventing original characters is hard, but what they're forgetting is that they're actually really easy and everyone should stop crying and being big babies about everything. Just remember the secret to character generation: T-Rex: Pop Culture A + Pop Culture B! T-Rex: You want a new character? Here: Spock meets Bilbo Baggins. DONE. Oh, you want another? Friggin' Doc Brown meets Anna Karenina. BAM. T-Rex: Your mind is already reeling at the possibilities, and you are welcome. Utahraptor: Doesn't this get a bit derivative? T-Rex: Only if you can see the influences! T-Rex: You wanna hide them, just add another character. Doctor McCoy meets Ellen Ripley, by way of Kevin McCallister. KAPOW. Utahraptor: Who? T-Rex: The kid from Home Alone. Utahraptor: Ah. Narrator: SIX DAYS LATER: Off panel: T-Rex, I can't stop thinking about Doctor McCoy meeting Ellen Ripley by way of Kevin McCallister! He's a tough as nails doctor who pranks as he heals!! T-Rex: [thinks] FRIG T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] I've already forgotten all context for this conversation??

Cause from where I'm standing those wandering suckers are PRETTY FRIGGIN' LOST

T-Rex: People say inventing original semiconductor fabrication techniques is hard, but what they're forgetting is that they're actually really easy and everyone should stop crying and being big babies about everything. Just remember the secret: T-Rex: Semiconductor fab technique A + semiconductor fab technique B! T-Rex: You want a new chip technique? Here: piranha etching meets physical vapour deposition. DONE. Oh, you want another? Friggin' molecular beam epitaxy meets thermosonic bonding. BAM. T-Rex: Your mind is already reeling at the possibilities, and you are welcome. Utahraptor: You're saying COMBINE piranha etching and physical vapour depo at the SAME TIME? T-Rex: Sure! Why not? Utahraptor: Well, maybe because piranha etching is an acid wash that removes organic matter, while vapour deposition is done in a vacuum, so they're fundamentally incompatible?? You'd end up depositing on the wash! T-Rex: Wow! I guess the lesson here is... there's WAY more rules in engineering than in writing?? Narrator: LATER, THE UNIVERSE CONSPIRES TO TEACH T-REX THERE'S WAY MORE RULES IN ENGINEERING THAN IN WRITING: T-Rex: What the-?! I already learned this life lesson earlier, Universe! T-Rex (punchline): The REAL lesson I need to be taught is that not all who wander are lost!!

so you see, sir, it's actually a GOOD thing that we've met six times and even though you just used it, i STILL don't remember your name

T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a guy named "Jamie" who had PERFECT MEMORY. He would remember... EVERYTHING. T-Rex: Of course, this made him SUPER socially awkward! T-Rex: He had no intuition for how normal people remembered things. He'd recognize someone he'd only said two words to while waiting in line at the bank a decade ago and he'd remember them, but when they didn't they'd think he was weird and get creeped out. Other times he'd pretend not to remember someone and they'd get offended. Where was the line for normal people? It was so hard to tell! Utahraptor: He remembered EVERYTHING? T-Rex: Everything. T-Rex: His friends would say "Hey Jamie, what's my password on this stupid website?" and he'd be like "You mean the current one, or the one you used two years ago for a week, or the one from ten years ago, or -" and they'd be like "OBVIOUSLY THE RECENT ONE, GOD, WHY WOULD I EVER CARE ABOUT A PASSWORD FROM TEN YEARS AGO" T-Rex: When it was 2am and Jamie couldn't sleep and his brain wanted to replay all the times he'd embarrassed himself, it had almost limitless ammo. T-Rex (punchline): IN CONCLUSION: I FORGOT THE MORAL OF THIS STORY, AND I BELIEVE THIS TO BE A SWEET MERCY??

i didn't know about permanent pregnancy in kangaroos until recently. can i go back to those sunny days before i carried the weight of that knowledge? never, and neither can you, so we should all just focus on somehow moving forward

Narrator: DIFFERENT REPRODUCTIVE STRATEGIES, FROM WORST TO BEST T-Rex: 8) grow the baby inside you and then get it out once it's a full sized baby! You know... T-Rex: ...SOMEHOW?? T-Rex: 7) program a machine intelligence that calls you "the creator", i.e., a metaphorical birth/reproduction Dromiceiomimus: 6) split into two identical clones of yourself, a technology that even AMOEBA have mastered, yet which still stymies even our maddest scientists, and which, I must say, is NOT helping them calm down T-Rex: 5) pull off a limb and allow it to regrow a complete new you, starfish style Utahraptor: 4) be a flower, hang out with friendly bees, cover them in gametes T-Rex: God, IF ONLY Utahraptor: 3) be permanently pregnant except on the day you give birth, carry your babies in a belly pouch, but also have the ability to freeze the development of your baby at your merest whim: KANGAROO STYLE T-Rex: 2) lay a few reasonably sized eggs at a convenient time and location: DINOSAUR STYLE T-Rex: 1) exogenesis: BLOW UP THE PLANET, send life into space carried on the debris, maybe it'll land somewhere cool eventually. Off panel: I was gonna be mad at our way coming in second, but #1 IS the greatest. T-Rex: Right?! UTAHRAPTOR: WE MUST DESTROY THE EARTH. T-Rex (punchline): FOR SEX REASONS

best kind of sex? erotic sex. no question. no doubt in my mind. the more erotic the better if you ask me

T-Rex: I have done some things in my life that are bad. T-Rex: And it's time we all faced that fact!! Dromiceiomimus: Oh my gosh, what have you done, T-Rex? STOLEN PUPPIES? MURDERED SOMEONE? MURDERED SOMEONE... and THEN stolen their puppies?? T-Rex: What? No! I mean like, I looked over some old stuff I wrote and it was bad. I have written some BAAAAD stories. I have done some things (writing stories) that are bad [stories]. Utahraptor: So compared to MURDERERS and PUPPY THIEVES, you're doing fine. T-Rex: Not good enough, my dude! T-Rex: If I only look good compared to MURDERERS and PUPPY THIEVES, what does that say about me? I need to look good compared to the GREATEST MINDS OF HISTORY. THAT'S how you know you're doing fine. Utahraptor: Well, sorry bud. You HAVE done some things that were bad. Off panel: Specifically, your "The Filing Cabinet That Liked Erotic Sex: A 'File Under Horny' Adventure" novella was, uh, memorably bad. T-Rex: [thinks] Wow T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] He filed it under "bad" despite a title that could NOT have been more clear

ALL THESE PEENS ARE YOURS TO DRAW / EXCEPT MINE / ATTEMPT NO DRAWINGS THERE

T-Rex: People always go on about how the great Renaissance artists were such deep thinkers... T-Rex: ...but like, 100% of their paintings have weiners in 'em! Narrator: A SHORT ONE-PANEL PLAY IN WHICH DROMICEIOMIMUS PLAYS MICHELANGELO AND T-REX PLAYS POPE ALEXANDER VI: Dromiceiomimus: I'm gonna sculpt David because I love religion! T-Rex: Cool! Dromiceiomimus: He's gonna be 5m tall! T-Rex: Nice! Dromiceiomimus: And his dick's out, obvs!! T-Rex: OBVS Narrator: fin Utahraptor: Maybe drawin' dicks was a sign you were educated, like glasses and a British accent are now! T-Rex: Of COURSE! T-Rex: It DOES explain why Sistine Chapel Adam's got his peen "accidentally" resting on his upper thigh... but then why is GOD dressed, even if it is just in a gossamer robe? Utahraptor: Huh. It IS weird they'd draw any weiner but that one. God: THE FIFTEENTH COMMANDMENT SPECIFICALLY STATES NO DRAWING MY WEINER T-Rex: Commandments stop at 10, dude! God: WHAT God: OH NO God (punchline): DON'T TELL ME YOU DROPPED THAT ONE BUT KEPT THE ONE ABOUT NOT COVETING STRANGE DONKEYS THAT DON'T BELONG TO YOU

if you've never tried liking your own posts, i recommend it, it's amazing. the dizzying sense of power and confidence is, i believe, largely unparalleled

T-Rex: A new year! A chance for a new start! A chance to leave behind the mistakes of the past! T-Rex: Assuming, that is, none of my past mistakes can affect the present! T-Rex: So let's see... well, not paying my bills is still having an impact now, as is my horrible - YET AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS, NO REGRETS - diet. And my continued response to sincere emotional outreach from my loved ones (flippancy and jokes because the idea of anyone seeing my true self is terrifying) made me the man I am today!! T-Rex: ...So that's a thing. T-Rex: Hmm. Could it be the new year is NOT a new start? Utahraptor: It's not! Utahraptor: But it is a chance to work towards a new DIRECTION. Your past created you, but it doesn't have to define you! Today's your chance to imagine the person you want to be, and work backwards to figure out how someone STARTING as you could end up being that other guy! T-Rex: I am ON IT!! Narrator: ONE YEAR LATER: T-Rex (punchline): I gave up on hitting "like" on all my own posts on social media the second after I post them but it's still a struggle everyday, AMA

they're worms, they're called "ascarids", and not that I was really looking forward to this happening in the first place, but now I'm DEFINITELY not swallowing anything that crawls in my mouth after being coughed up from my lungs!!

T-Rex: Birds, or "Bionic I.R.D."s, are the result of our grandparents and their cursèd meddling in the natural law! Narrator: LET'S TALK ABOUT BIRDS Narrator: without using facts T-Rex: They first appeared in late 1700s, though of course those early examples were very crude compared to the later instances that, famously, appeared one day all on their own and have never left us alone since. Why, these days you can barely tell that a given B.I.R.D. is an unholy merging of our feeble science and the blackest magicks without dissecting one, and even then it's tricky! Utahraptor: QUESTION: are birds safe to eat? T-Rex: In the short term? Yep! T-Rex: In the long term, once inside your body they move to your lungs and lay eggs. When you cough delicious eggs come up, which you can then swallow as a convenient source of free raw eggs, continuing the cycle. Swallows are a class of bird named for this very behaviour! Utahraptor: Fascinating! T-Rex: In conclusion, I got that "colonize your lungs so you cough up and then swallow their babies which lets them grow inside your stomach" from real-life parasitic worms; the world is horrifying. Off panel (punchline): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

lucy - and her diamonds - remain in the sky to this very day

Narrator: RHONDA from "HELP ME RHONDA" T-Rex: Rhonda always had greater ambitions than helping men who LITERALLY CALL THEMSELVES "BEACH BOYS", and who DATE AS A GROUP, to get over another woman; she now works as an English professor. Narrator: The Women Of Popular Music: WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Narrator: EILEEN from "COME ON EILEEN" T-Rex: Young Eileen quickly left the bar full of adult men creepily complimenting her on how she's "full grown" and blaming her for their thoughts that "verge on dirty" as if that's HER fault. She later moved to Canada and, with her girlfriend, co-founded a successful startup in the biotech space. Narrator: LAYLA from "LAYLA" Utahraptor: Moved to NYC and changed her name to "Delilah". T-Rex: Yep! Narrator: DELILAH from "HEY THERE DELILAH" T-Rex: Delilah's boyfriend did graduate in two years, just as he predicted, and while he never DID pay the bills with his guitar, the two of them opened a small music shop, and now they pay their bills... together. Utahraptor: Aww! Good on her. Narrator: MS. CLARENCE JACKSON from "SORRY MS JACKSON" T-Rex: For some reason Ms. Jackson never did accept the apology of a man who proved incapable of getting through said apology without mentioning his dick and then bragging about oral sex. Narrator (punchline): THE END

i hereby declare january 17th to be Boring Day, in which the only things that happen can be boring things. get excited!! wait, no, DON'T get excited, get EXTREMELY BORED

T-Rex: With all the days claimed for different holidays and celebrations - Secretary's Day, Valentine's Day, The Fortnight of Ubbo-Sathla - I thought it'd be nice to have a day free from the expectations of celebration. T-Rex: Hence, Normal Day! T-Rex: Normal Day is the one day a year unclaimed by anyone for any purpose. You don't have to wear a special hat or anything. It's the one day a year that can be COMPLETELY NORMAL. To celebrate it, do whatever you'd normally do, and do that thing normally. Utahraptor: Bad news, T-Rex: even the most superficial check reveals... T-Rex: ...Yes? YES?? Utahraptor: ...that every day is ALREADY claimed for celebrations of varying popularity! T-Rex: Well, that's it then. Normal Day is lost, cancelled before it even began. WE WILL NEVER HAVE A NORMAL DAY AGAIN. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: You know how on Star Trek, every week there's a catastrophe that threatens to destroy the ship, a planet, the universe, or all three? Off panel: Yeah? T-Rex (punchline): WE WERE FOOLS TO DISMISS NORMAL DAY SO QUICKLY

Ten Sherlocks Rolled Up Into One crouched over the victim's body, picked up a bloodied tissue, and examined it with their twenty eyes. "Elementary," they muttered, each mouth slightly out of sync with the other so it sounded like a cacophony of Sherlocks all speaking at the same time. Watson sighed.

T-Rex: One day Sherlock Holmes, who was the best at solving crimes if you didn't count Org (a cave man who lived 50,000 years ago) frowned! T-Rex: But we'll pause our narrative here to discuss Org some more! T-Rex: We said Org was a "caveman", but of course we don't really know where he lived. Caves protected materials from the elements better, which is why we have more evidence of cave-based habitation, but that's not to say that Org or his contemporaries lived exclusively in caves. His hunting and gathering lifestyle meant he had to follow food around, and he likely lived in a bunch of different places, including caves. Utahraptor: Does Org solve crimes at any point? T-Rex: Nope! Laws weren't invented yet! T-Rex: But if they had, and if Org could've even once focused on solving crimes instead of on finding his next meal - Utahraptor, he would've been AMAZING. Ten Sherlocks rolled up into one, easy. He would've been a hero, instead of dying after eating some weird bug, which is what happened. T-Rex: Meanwhile, back in the present, Sherlock Holmes was hanging around about his apartment doing drugs because he was, and I quote, "so bored". T-Rex (punchline): THE END.

they all got turned into dogs in the fifth chapter and i was like, damn, finally some epic poetry that lives up to the HYPE

T-Rex: The Joker, who loved pulling pranks, finally had one pulled on him! He'd been transformed... T-Rex: ...INTO A DOG. T-Rex: Commissioner Gordon would've found this FRANKLY ADORABLE, except he'd been turned into a dog too. In fact, all of Gotham City was now dogs!! Dromiceiomimus: Including Batman? T-Rex: INCLUDING BATMAN. Dromiceiomimus: So did Batman's car shrink down to dog sizes too, or...? T-Rex: No, that's ridiculous. Organics only!! Utahraptor: So Batdog drove a regular sized car. T-Rex: Yes. IS THAT NOT ADORABLE? T-Rex: Look, all I'm saying is: these characters have been around for generations. Sometimes you gotta mix things up, and the easiest BUT ALSO THE BEST way to do that is to make everyone dogs. It worked for Paradise Lost! Utahraptor: Huh? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Yes, hello, it has come to my attention that I have been reading a brilliantly vandalized version of Paradise Lost

mods, is this release still being supported? no word from developer (if indeed there was one??) in literally THOUSANDS of years. mods???

Narrator: HARSH TRUTHS ABOUT REALITY T-Rex: Sorry, babies! YOU HAVE TO GROW UP SOMETIME. It's time to learn some harsh truths! Starting with... T-Rex: 1) LIFE ISN'T FAIR. T-Rex: As much as we'd like to think that everything balances out, that's simply not the case! Due to an uninitialized variable, bad people DO sometimes get away without appropriate punishment. That's just the way of the world, sorry!! Dromiceiomimus: 2) DEATH IS A PART OF LIFE. Again, due to a programming error (this time at the firmware level), everyone dies no matter how much you love them! Harsh but true!! T-Rex: 3) YOU CAN DO YOUR BEST AND STILL FAIL... because SOMEONE forgot about buffer overflows! Utahraptor: Hah! WTF, programmers!! Utahraptor: 4) SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST JERKS. Character generation was implemented extremely poorly, and amazingly, never subjected to code review! The result: the many jerks populating this artificial simulation we so naively call "reality"! T-Rex: LOL! Talk about a game-breaking bug!! T-Rex: 5) YOU CAN'T CONTROL THE WORLD, ONLY HOW YOU RESPOND TO IT. Universal control wasn't implemented by the time the imaginary prison we're all trapped in had to go live. Sheesh!! T-Rex and off panel (punchline): Can we get a "programming fail"??

originally I had "i don't know why you say goodbye, i say aloe" here, but then Kara on patreon suggested "aloe from the other siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide" and it was SO MUCH BETTER

T-Rex: Ever since death was accidentally invented some years ago, people have wondered... "for real: what is its deal?" Narrator: WHAT HAPPENS AFTER YOU DIE Narrator: dinosaurs investigate T-Rex: Well, great news: I have made an observation of SEVERAL houseplants dying, and I can tell you this is EXACTLY what happens after you die: your leaves turn brown, and then you get thrown in the garbage. T-Rex: I can only ASSUME the same applies to non-houseplant forms of life?? Utahraptor: But do houseplants have souls? T-Rex: What? WHAT?? T-Rex: WHY ARE YOU COMPLICATING THIS? We just solved a HUGE QUESTION that's stymied the GREATEST MINDS OF ALL TIME, and you want to complicate it by bringing INTANGIBLE, UNMEASURABLE SOULS into the mix? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? T-Rex: I CAN'T EVEN KEEP A HOUSEPLANT ALIVE!! Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: A dead aloe plant?! Hah! T-Rex (punchline): THIS definitely won't cause any existential crises in ME, that's for darn sure!!

SO UH YOU NEVER THOUGHT OF RUNNING ANY OF THIS PAST ME HUH BUD

T-Rex: Okay, it turns out people DO care more about their "immortal souls" than they care about a houseplant that got chucked in the garbage. T-Rex: Should've seen that coming. Narrator: WHAT HAPPENS AFTER YOU DIE Narrator: dinosaurs investigate Narrator: again T-Rex: Many religions have suggested different answers to this afterlife question, ranging from "if you're bad you go someplace bad" to "if you're good you go someplace good" to "if you're good you go someplace good, but it's different from the good place that that other religion told you about, which is an incorrect good place". Given all the alternatives, how can you know which religion is the right one? Utahraptor: Could they ALL be correct? T-Rex: Who knows! Maybe?? T-Rex: Maybe they're ALL wrong! MAYBE only one is correct, but if your beliefs are at least 52.25459% overlapping, then you're fine! MAYBE for each correct belief you have, your afterlife gets 0.06% better! MAYBE only dogs get an afterlife, and the rest of us get sweet oblivion!! T-Rex: ...but then the dogs want us to hang out with them, so that's how we get in, and that means if a dog likes you then you get to spend eternity hanging out with dogs!! T-Rex: ...oh my gosh I just invented a new religion T-Rex (punchline): ...oh my gosh I have NO REGRETS

you versus the religion she told you not to worry about

T-Rex: Everyone! Abandon your old religion, because I've got a way cooler one! It guarantees that when you die you get to hang out with dogs! T-Rex: NO OTHER COMPETING RELIGION CAN MAKE THIS CLAIM. T-Rex: In fact, several religions claim THEIR afterlife is only open to TRUE BELIEVERS who go to church, which animals do RARELY at best!! Check and mate! Dromiceiomimus: True, but several religions also permit reincarnation, INCLUDING as "lesser animals". Sure, YOUR religion lets you chill with dogs, but others let you ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE DOGNESS. I know what I'D prefer! T-Rex: Oh crap, I hadn't thought of that!! Utahraptor: It's an afterlife arms race! T-Rex: Frig, man, I need to top this. But what's better than being a dog? Utahraptor: Don't ask me! I'm not the dude who, for unclear reasons, is trying to start a religion!! T-Rex: I'VE GOT IT! All I need is a passer by, and... T-Rex: Excuse me, ma'am! Wouldn't you prefer a religion that offers YOUR CHOICE of coming back as a dog, hanging out with dogs, or becoming a liquid metal robot and going back in time to assassinate history's greatest villains and/or villainous dogs? Off panel (punchline): FRIG YES

no regrets!! thanks to time travel, i mean. otherwise... whooo boy. regret city over here!! ha ha

T-Rex: I had a lot of work to do, so I played unrelated video games, which - through a mechanism that's so obvious it doesn't bear discussing here - also got all my work done! Narrator: A GLIMPSE INTO A BETTER WORLD Dromiceiomimus: I laid awake until 4am thinking about all my problems! T-Rex: Sweet! Dromiceiomimus: Yes, because all that endless introspection helped me discover easy, practical solutions that I could implement right away! I woke up early, refreshed and energized, ready to make positive change in my life! Utahraptor: I remembered something stupid I said FULLY A DECADE AGO, and still felt stupid about it! T-Rex: Oh no! Utahraptor: Yes, so I projected my consciousness back in time, and made it so I didn't say the stupid thing. T-Rex: Nice. Utahraptor: Yes, it was. Utahraptor: It was really, really nice. Narrator: STARE INTO THIS PANEL LONG ENOUGH AND THERE MAY BE A CHANCE THAT YOU CAN ENTER THIS BETTER WORLD Narrator: PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU DO Narrator (punchline): PLEASE COME BACK FOR ME

my ocean area has some bumps in it at the bottom, are there any further questions

T-Rex: I am going to pick one square meter of the world at random, and I am going to learn ALL I CAN about this location on our planet. I will know its history, ecology, culture, future - its EVERYTHING! T-Rex: I will become an expert on a tiny, tiny piece of our world! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: So uh, anyway, I ended up with a square meter of ocean in the Pacific Ocean. I know this: it's full of water, and if you only drink that water, you'll die. Dromiceiomimus: That's it? T-Rex: That's it; the bottom's never been explored. Also, boats go through it sometimes. Rarely though. T-Rex: Woooo Utahraptor: I think you need to widen your scope: the Earth's surface is 510.1 million square kilometers! T-Rex: So? Utahraptor: So that's enough for an exclusive area of 72 square kilometers, EACH, for every person to learn about! That's PLENTY, plus it's big enough for ocean areas to have mapping that's at least at 5km resolution. T-Rex: Oh man! TO THE LIBRARY! We're gonna learn so much about the planet!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: MY AREA'S STILL JUST FULL OF BORING WATER; THE PLANET SUCKS T-Rex: MY PART OF IT I MEAN T-Rex (punchline): THE REST OF IT MIGHT BE FINE; THAT'S REALLY NO CONCERN OF MINE

"Oh, here's one of literally dozens of ways to implement proportional representation without the inherient unfairness and distortions of first past the post systems. That was actually really easy. I didn't even need to be smart for this one."

T-Rex: One day a zombie outbreak happened! It was like in the other zombie stories you've seen, so imagine that and you'll know what kind of a deal this was. A pretty big mess, honestly. T-Rex: However, THESE zombies were different! T-Rex: They started out mindless and hungry, but the more of our flesh they ate, the smarter they got. Eventually they got smart enough to corral their stupider brethren and feed them the bodies of the living that had recently died from natural causes, to elevate them. Dromiceiomimus: So the living and the dead lived together in harmony? T-Rex: Better than harmony! Utahraptor: Because... the smart zombies could always get SMARTER. T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: They'd eat the recently dead and be like "Oh, here's a motivating incentive to get corporations to work to reverse climate change that isn't undone by the tragedy of the commons. YOU'RE WELCOME". Utahraptor: "Here's how wealth can be redistributed fairly in a way everyone can agree with. DONE." T-Rex: And if you're thinking this is a dystopia because everyone living would eventually become a zombie, leading to overpopulation, the zombie Einsteins solved that too. THE END. T-Rex and off panel (punchline): SAVE US, ZOMBIE GODS

later on batman stole a giant version of his coin and put it in his lair like it wasn't even a thing

T-Rex: Batman stopped Two-Face from robbing a bank, then dropped him off at jail. "It's time 'to face' justice!" Bats said in a way he thought was both grim AND hilarious! T-Rex: Unfortunately for him, Two-Face and the police officers there did not agree! T-Rex: "I think it's pretty clear he's in the midst of a prolonged mental health crisis," Commissioner Gordon said, quietly. "Is this really the best time to be making puns based on his name? Especially since it's a name he took only after suffering severe physical trauma?? The one when he got horribly scarred, I mean. Not the one when you beat him up just now." Utahraptor: Batman's really dug himself a hole here, hasn't he? T-Rex: YEP! T-Rex: Gordon was gonna say another thing, but then he glanced away, and Batman did that thing where he disappears whenever you glance away. Later on Batman sent Two-Face some get-well-soon flowers, but on the card he said "I hope this makes a DENT in your sadness": another name pun, so really Batman, what are you even doing? Narrator: THE END Narrator (punchline): VIGILANTISM IS COMPLICATED I GUESS

the square-cube law says that as things grow larger, their surface area is the square of the size multiplier, but the volume is cubed. something that's 10x as big will have 100x the surface area with 1000x the matter in it, and that's but one of the many reasons why you don't see giant beanstalks reaching up into the clouds

T-Rex: Once upon a time, Jack came into possession of some strange beans, which when planted caused a giant beanstalk to suddenly and dramatically grow up into the clouds. Were there giants up there? He was eager to find out! Narrator: JACK AND THE BEANSTALK Narrator: a peer-reviewed fairy tale T-Rex: Jack climbed up the beanstalk, but had to turn back once it started to get cold. He tried again the next day, but began getting dizzy once he reached a certain height - the air was too thin, and he'd need an oxygen supply if he were to go any further. He wasn't close to cloud level either, so there was still a long way to go. Utahraptor: So he got an oxygen pack and went to meet the giant? T-Rex: Well, he planned to! T-Rex: However this took a few days, during which the tremendous pressure this giant beanstalk put on local soils became evident. It had exhausted them of both nutrients and moisture, causing all crops to fail, and starvation followed. Soon even the beanstalk itself turned to a brown, rotted husk. T-Rex: Before he died, Jack said "I do not understand how such a plant could evolve, let alone reproduce in such a manner, especially since the square-cube law would seem to preclude a plant growing in the way we've observed." Narrator (punchline): THE END

so the thing with peer review is that i've got some pretty terrible peers

T-Rex: Rapunzel had been locked in a tower! She was trapped, but on the bright side, her weird hair would grow indefinitely. It was, she considered while trapped alone without food in an isolated tower, a pretty crappy bright side. Narrator: RAPUNZEL Narrator: a peer-reviewed fairy tale T-Rex: So Rapunzel soon died of starvation, which is what happens to anyone who is locked in a tower with no way down. However, through mechanisms that are famously explored elsewhere (G. Basile, 1634; W. and H. Grimm et al., 1812) her hair continued to grow after her death, at a constant rate. Soon the tower was filled with human hair. Utahraptor: Oh, I know this story! You can climb up her hair to get to the top! T-Rex: For the first generation, it was fun, sure! T-Rex: And for the next, the field of hair with a tower in the middle was a tourist attraction. But 10 generations later it was a pestilence: the hair couldn't be burned, trimmed, or tamed as it spread across the countryside. Farms and villages were subsumed, abandoned to the relentlessly encroaching hair. T-Rex: The origins of the hair were long lost to legend by the time it finally covered the oceans, ending photosynthesis below and causing the complete global food chain collapse. T-Rex (punchline): THE END.

and YES when travelling long distances they would enter apple-based suspended animation so they'd slumber again but STILL it was pretty great. any fairy tale that ends with a new technology that makes intergalactic space flight more achievable is one that's a-okay in my book

T-Rex: Snow White (née "Catherine") had been tricked by her stepmother to eat a chemically altered apple, which put her into a deep sleep from which she would not awaken for a hundred years! Narrator: SNOW WHITE Narrator: a peer-reviewed fairy tale T-Rex: The only hope to wake early was a kiss from the kind of prince who could convince himself that his obsession with an unconscious stranger was true love. Since the kingdom was a democracy there were no such princes available, and the remaining monarchies were big into the idea of informed consent, which necessarily precluded kissing unconscious strangers. So Cathy stayed in her deep slumber, ageless, for a century! Utahraptor: And did she finally wake up? T-Rex: Eventually, yeah! T-Rex: Cathy awoke to a world filled with other sleepers, as her suspended animation had been commercialized. Most of society, in fact, was slumbering, all hoping to skip ahead to a better tomorrow in which their problems were eliminated. They woke every 100 years for a brief check up and apple slice, then slumbered. T-Rex (punchline): The Earth, effectively depopulated, reverted to a more natural state, but those who remained still managed to accomplish important work, and eventually most slumberers awoke - and stayed awake - to join their brethren as they explored the cosmos.

speculative fiction, as opposed to factual, actual, real fiction

T-Rex: Time to write my latest speculative fiction epic, in which a reality TV star becomes THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNI-- Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: --okay nevermind T-Rex: Instead, I'll write my NEW speculative fiction epic in which a hapless woman, believing she's participating on a prank game show, unwittingly becomes an INTERNATIONAL POLITICAL ASSASSI- Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: --okay nevermind that one too. Reality keeps STEALING my ideas! Utahraptor: That's an easy fix! Utahraptor: Just make up a story SO OUTRAGEOUS that it could never come true. T-Rex: Okay! Let's say... after a series of increasingly improbable events, we all realize Earth is actually a SIMULATION, soon to be shut down because it's malfunctioning so badly! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Everyone!! EVERYONE, CALM DOWN! PLEASE! Everyone, PLEASE stop rioting and listen to me! T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex (punchline): I TOTALLY called this

born too late for abandoning houses, too soon for abandoning planets

T-Rex: Bachelors! Are you tired of having to clean up after yourself? Here's some great T-Rex: HOUSEKEEPING TIPS FOR BACHELORS T-Rex: sorry for shouting T-Rex: #1 recommendation: be born in a time where all housecleaning is automated. You will save SO MUCH TIME. Dromiceiomimus: However, if you have already failed at our first recommendation, we recommend instead being born at a time in the past when hunting and gathering was the dominant - actually, the ONLY - lifestyle! Utahraptor: Wouldn't people still have homes then? Homes which need KEEPING?? T-Rex: Oh, sure! T-Rex: But since they have to follow sources of food, all housing is necessarily temporary. And a temporary home is a home you can trash whenever you want and then just leave it behind! It truly was a golden age for sloppy bachelors, as far as housekeeping was concerned!! Banner: BEING A BACHELOR IS EASY T-Rex: As hunting and gathering was dominant for over 90% of our history, odds are we've ALREADY solved your housekeeping problem! Banner (punchline): You're welcome

t-rex's last lines are me leaving every sad movie ever

T-Rex: One day, in a world that was just like ours except fairies were real, a fairy was sipping a drop of dew out of a tiny tea cup! T-Rex: ADORABLE. T-Rex: The fairy finished the rest of her breakfast (tiny cakes, a wee berry) and, clearing off the flower petal that she was using as a table and the slightly shorter flower petal beside it that she was using as a seat (ADORABLE), she flew off to go start her day! Utahraptor: AT THE HARDWARE ASSEMBLY PLANT. T-Rex: Oh no! Utahraptor: Yes, her kind's tiny bodies and even tinier hands made them perfect for cheaply putting together personal electronics! After an exhausting day of work for which she was paid only pennies, she returned to her home, whose front door was built into a tree stump. T-Rex: ADORABLE. Also, very concerning. Off panel: As she lay in bed, the fairy dreamed. She dreamed a better world in which she didn't need to sell her labour to survive. She dreamed of flying. T-Rex: Oh boy! My story has been hijacked to make me feel feelings I don't care for!! T-Rex (punchline): Yaaaay!!

as dan fired wildly at what had been his daughter, he was relieved that he didn't have to worry about that tax stuff anymore

T-Rex: Dan watched proudly as his daughter Kayleigh walked out of the playground. "I'm tired," she said. "Hi, Tired," said her father. "I'm Dan." Narrator: GRITTY REBOOTS OF DAD JOKES T-Rex: But suddenly Dan noticed her face: too tight, like cellophane stretched across something that was lumpy in all the wrong places. She yawned, and he could see her mouth - full of teeth, going all the way down her throat. This - this wasn't his daughter. Dromiceiomimus: She noticed his reaction. Utahraptor: An alarm seemed to come from within his daughter's shining torso: "CHAMELEON CIRCUITS FAILING"! T-Rex: It was then he realized: his words had been right all along. This creature in front of him was just as he'd said: a Tritanium Intelligent Robotic Evil Doppelganger. His daughter had become T.I.R.E.D. - and NO-ONE COULD SAY FOR HOW LONG. Off panel: Is this supposed to be gritty? It just sounds awesome. She's made of living liquid metal, right? T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): Yeah, she's so awesome and all her dad's problems are about to get WAY more interesting

MUCH improved over hypobaton

T-Rex: Shakespeare hyperbated all the time, and his plays featured several scenes of public hyperbaton. Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: Narrator: HYPERBATON Dromiceiomimus: ... Utahraptor: Okay, I'll ask. Are we discussing hyper mast- T-Rex: NO, WE ARE NOT DISCUSSING HYPER MASTURBATION. T-Rex: GOD. Hyperbaton is when normal word orders are changed! So, Yoda speech basically. Utahraptor: Huh. Utahraptor: ...So are we GONNA discuss hyper masturbation at all, or...? T-Rex: DUDE!! LATER T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): I HAVE SOME IDEAS

i know the brotocol is that we usually have a second joke here but we can't broceed broperly with this brotesque premise much longer

T-Rex: "Et tu, bro?" - Julius Caesar when he was stabbed by Brutus. T-Rex: I mean Brotus. Narrator: BROS OF HISTORY T-Rex: "Four score and seven years ago, our bros brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all bros are created equal." - ABROham Lincoln Dromiceiomimus: "We shall bro down with them on the beaches"? T-Rex: DANG RIGHT WE SHALL. Utahraptor: Any room for women in this brostravaganza? T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: "Long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream BROfore." - Edgar Allan Bro. Utahraptor: That - does not mention women at all. T-Rex: A broversight, I assure you!! Narrator: THIS CONCLUDES BROS OF HISTORY Narrator (punchline): PLEASE ACCEPT OUR SINCERE BROPOLOGIES

if you got to the end of panel one and thought I was speaking not of the time but of the restaurant, then WOW you have a low opinion of the staff and clientele at that chain of dining establishments!!

T-Rex: It's medieval times! People haven't invented cell phones, and WHAT'S WORSE, they think pooping into water and then drinking that water is "pretty chill". The world is a very different place! T-Rex: And things are generally horrible!! T-Rex: But that's depressing, so let's say it's FANTASY medieval times. People say "thou" and "thee" a lot, they eat ONLY at giant banquets and even then EXCLUSIVELY giant turkey legs, and everyone is a knight or knows someone who is. Dromiceiomimus: Nice! This sounds like a much more pleasant time! T-Rex: A much more pleasant... MEDIEVAL time?? Utahraptor: But they still drink poop water, yeah? T-Rex: God. I guess so, huh? T-Rex: Okay, so it's FANTASY medieval times, except they have the germ theory of disease and basic hygiene. Utahraptor: And corrective lenses, so everyone can see. T-Rex: Absolutely. And aspirin pills. All the "huzzah"ing gives them headaches so they for sure invented aspirin pills. Off panel: Okay. So then what happens? T-Rex: Heck man, I guess everyone sits around for a thousand years not knowing what a molecule is. Narrator (punchline): "THE WONDERS OF HISTORY"

Teens please leave me alone, I am extremely happy with my current moderate amount of self-knowledge and do not wish to increase it even a little

T-Rex: Today's teens don't wanna be LECTURED by ADULTS. They want to be approached on their own level, on their own terms! And I, for one, know EXACTLY what that means. T-Rex: They wanna be RAPPED AT by GRANDMOTHERS. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, are you sure about this? I don't think "seniors rapping about personal responsibility" has ever been that high up on the List of Things Teens Love. T-Rex: No, that's the thing! Teens love IRONY, and an IRONIC rapping senior? Mwah. T-Rex: [small] (I'd do a chef kiss gesture to illustrate that "mwah" but they're difficult for the short-armed gentleman) Utahraptor: Yeah, but INTENTIONAL irony? Especially by adults? It'll never work! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: Dude, the SECOND you turn 20 you stop being a teen and lose all access to their world. Heck, even me pretending to speak with authority about teens RIGHT NOW means they're DEFINITELY gonna egg my house tonight, or whatever it is teens do these days!! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: Instead of egging my house, teens wrote compelling thinkpieces about me that have somehow managed to change my opinion... ABOUT MY VERY SELF!! T-Rex: Daaaaamn, teens! Put THAT on fleek, why don't you? Off panel: T-Rex Off panel (punchline): No

LATER: "Wait a second... a world without Batman is just a description of OUR world!!" LATER STILL: wait hold on a world without crime could just be a world populated almost exclusively with SUPER EFFECTIVE batmen, batwomen, and bathounds, we're still good here

T-Rex: You guys! I know this might sound weird, but hear me out! Maybe... T-Rex: Maybe it's weird that there's crimes at all?? T-Rex: Like, it's weird that some of us steal from others just because we want to, right? Can't there exist a form of life that isn't so super crappy all the time? Dromiceiomimus: What if you take something not knowing it's mine? That's accidental theft, but still a crime. Therefore, even perfectly ethical beings can commit crimes! Utahraptor: Yeah, plus crimes are dependent on the laws surrounding them! T-Rex: So? Utahraptor: So if I pass a bad law that says "no eating chicken wings" and you say "uh, they're delicious, I'ma eat some anyway": you're now a criminal. Anyway, ALL THIS ASIDE: I don't think you realize what you're doing when you imagine a world without crime. My friend, all you're doing is imagining a world... Off panel: ...without BATMAN. T-Rex: Oh my god T-Rex (punchline): I take it back I TAKE IT BACK

*long sigh* I'll admit that LANGUAGE IN GENERAL is great for expressing particular IDEAS about butts, and THAT'S IT.

T-Rex: English is pretty great! T-Rex: And other languages too, but I don't really know about them, so whatever!! T-Rex: For example, lets say you see a rockin' butt. You can say "That is a rockin' butt", but add "ultra" in front of there, and you know what you've got? Dromiceiomimus: An ultrabutt? T-Rex: A GOSH DARNED ROCKIN' ULTRABUTT. Utahraptor: And while "ultrabutt" isn't a word in the dictionary, all speakers instantly know what it is! T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: It's one of the better forms of butt! Similarly, all I need to do is speak the words "quadrobutt", "polybutt", "antibutt", "macrobutt", "exobutt", "hyperbutt", "multibutt", AND "omnibutt" and your mind is instantly filled with visions of strange and wonderful butts you've never even CONSIDERED before!! T-Rex: English: it's great for butts!™ Off panel: That's not the official slogan of English. Also, nobody has ever trademarked that. T-Rex: SAY IT T-Rex (punchline): SAY ENGLISH IS GREAT FOR BUTTS

*sigh* ...I don't know why we're in boats but it's nice to think about

Narrator: RISK AS SHE IS PLAYED T-Rex: In Risk you play as totalitarian heads of state who enjoy absolute loyalty from their armies! T-Rex: And the only way to win is by taking over the entire world! T-Rex: When you win most games of Risk end, the victor satisfied in their complete and utter victory. But those who have won Risk know the game doesn't end there. How can world domination succeed? You've taken over the world with military might, but asking all of Earth to accept your rule without revolution is too much. Revolution will come. And the day will arrive when you are unable to crush it. Utahraptor: And your empire crumbles, as all empires must? T-Rex: Exactly. T-Rex: You must play again, trying to take over the world once more. If you win, you're haunted by the inevitable fall that must come. And if you lose, you're haunted by memories of your past victories. And so you return, once more, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into another game of Risk. T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): ...I plagiarized that last line but you get the idea

DID YOU KNOW: the distinctive sound of reverse enlightenment is the "pweeoo-wooo-wooooo" noise of pac-man dying

T-Rex: Worried about a date you're going on? Lick a dog poop! You'll have bigger things to worry about, like "holy crap why did I lick a dog poop just before my date??" T-Rex: Problems with the tax man? Try licking a dog poop! T-Rex: There's no problem that couldn't be made worse by licking a dog poop, which means that minor problems will disappear like a candle on the surface of the sun!! T-Rex: (The candle is your existing problems, and the blinding light of the solar furnace is the problems you made by licking dog poops on the regular.) Dromiceiomimus: Ah. Utahraptor: But this doesn't solve anything. It just creates WORSE problems! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: Way worse problems... that can EASILY BE SOLVED by not lickin' poops no more. OH DAMN, NOW YOUR OLD PROBLEMS SEEM SMALL AND EASILY SOLVED!! T-Rex: YOU'RE WELCOME! T-Rex's head: *pop* T-Rex (punchline): Ah yes, the distinctive "pop" sound of enlightenment, I know it well

also baby ducks and baby swans are both INCREDIBLY ADORABLE, so ain't nobody got ugly babies here. PEACE

T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a baby duck who was different than all the other ducks! One day some of the ducklings made fun of him and called him ugly, because they were LITERAL BABIES who had not yet been taught kindness or acceptance. Narrator: THE UGLY DUCKLING Narrator: a peer-reviewed fairy tale T-Rex: The eponymous ugly duckling (henceforth: "Chad") left, but a few months later he met some swans who welcomed him, and improbably, it was only then he looked in the water THAT HE WAS SWIMMING IN ALL THE TIME and noticed he was a beautiful swan too. Besides beauty, swans live 20 to 30 years compared to the 5-10 that ducks enjoy, so Chad had actually won the genetic lottery TWICE. He took pleasure in watching his former bullies grow old and die. Utahraptor: Wow! Pretty dick move from Chad! T-Rex: That's swans for you! T-Rex: While beautiful, swans are aggressive, capricious, dangerous animals who attack without warning, and whose outer beauty only belies an inner darkness. In contrast, ducks are calm, gregarious beasts that can be as friendly as puppies. T-Rex: Instead of accepting the apologies of his childhood bullies, Chad spent the rest of his life harassing multiple generations of ducks for things their great-great-great grandparents had done when they were children. THE END. Off panel: Let's go eat him T-Rex (punchline): Let's

also batman is a dinosaur, as he is in all his indisputably best conceptions

T-Rex: One day a witch transformed a human prince into a frog, under the condition that her spell could only be broken... by a kiss! Narrator: THE FROG PRINCE Narrator: a peer-reviewed fairy tale T-Rex: Of course, once word of this got out - and once the prince returned to human form via an experimental control kiss under scientific conditions - the witch's services were in high demand. She'd managed to reversibly condense the human minds into smaller forms, which had huge implications for medicine, transport, society - the works. T-Rex: It was a truly revolutionary technology! Utahraptor: So did the witch franchise out her technique to enable that revolution? T-Rex: She sure did! T-Rex: Soon the middle class flew as frogs rather than humans, saving thousands in transit costs. But the very poor would spend years as frogs simply to reduce pressure on their food budget! The result was a return to feudalism, in which a cruel ruling class refused to kiss their frog serfs unless they were paid exorbitant sums of money. T-Rex (punchline): It is inescapable to conclude that in this universe, Batman was a person who went around kissing frogs to save them from criminal vassal lords, and it is my ONE REGRET that we shall never read these challenging, doubtlessly exciting narratives.

if a strange dog has never looked at you and winked, let me tell you: you'll question everything you thought you knew about the cosmos

T-Rex: We have a period for a full stop and a comma for a pause, PLUS the amazing semicolon that kinda walks the line between them both. But could we live our best lives? Could we, perhaps, have... T-Rex: ...MORE?? T-Rex: Punctuation that captures a deep sigh! Punctuation for a raised eyebrow! Punctuation that, AT LONG LAST, fully captures the experience of the words being spoken by a live speaker! WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY TO DO THIS. We can invent any punctuation we want. T-Rex: Why aren't we? Utahraptor: I mean, we kinda already have! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: Emoji! You can drop in a face emoji to literally capture some of this, and get more abstract and representational. Poop emoji! Boat emoji! All APPARENTLY useless, but now all being used to better explain the meaning behind bare words - just like punctuation does! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: TWO QUESTIONS: 1) why are there TWELVE train emoji but NOT ONE for how it feels when a dog looks at you and winks?? And 2): T-Rex (punchline): Who put train nerds in charge of language because I TOTALLY could've told you this was gonna happen

sucka mcs are like, hey come on man, it's not my fault i wasn't born dope

T-Rex: Love classic rap from the 90s? Narrator: (IN THIS PANEL EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE CLASSIC RAP FROM THE 90s REALIZES THEY ACTUALLY DO LOVE IT AFTER ALL AND THEIR LIVES SUDDENLY BECOME MARKEDLY IMPROVED) T-Rex: Great! But you've probably faced a problem: there's only SO MUCH classic rap out there... and you've already heard it all! What's the answer? Dromiceiomimus: Go back in time to create different timelines and then farm music from them to - T-Rex: TOO DIFFICULT!! T-Rex: The answer... is to ABANDON ENGLISH. Utahraptor: Bien sur! I was already leaning that way anyway! T-Rex: I'm serious! There's a whole world of CLASSIC FRENCH RAP that has the exact same STYLE of beats, but they're all new! And yeah, you don't know what they're rapping about, but it's never too late to learn a new language! Off panel: You'd learn a language just to be able to understand rap in it? T-Rex: My friend, every language I've learned - INCLUDING MY FIRST ONE - was 1000% done simply to spit lyrical flame to sucka MCs! T-Rex (punchline): No regrets

no WONDER aliens don't want to talk to us!! thanks for nothing, space nerds

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: He's a real professor of real science!! T-Rex: Some people have all the luck. T-Rex: Today's question comes from Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: Thank you T-Rex. Professor, how precisely does our sun generate its magnetic field? T-Rex: That's it? That's all you want me to pass along? Dromiceiomimus: It's a simple question! Utahraptor: Bad news, T-Rex: it's also a question we don't know the answer to! T-Rex: What? WHAT? Utahraptor: I'm serious. We know it HAS a magnetic field on an 11-year cycle, but where it comes from and how it's generated: we can't say. Is it on the surface? In the core? Even the greatest professors of science can only shrug and say "I 'unno!" Narrator: LATER, DEPRESSION: T-Rex: ...You think you're a member of a pretty happening species, then you find out even your FINEST space nerds don't know how the sun works!! T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): I've never been more embarrassed, space nerds

it comes... from lakes

T-Rex: Turns out there's lots of things we don't know about space! T-Rex: TURNS OUT SPACE NERDS COULD STAND TO BE A LITTLE BIT SPACIER AND/OR NERDIER?? T-Rex: We don't know how imploding stars suddenly decide to explode instead and become supernova! T-Rex: We don't know why there's more matter than antimatter! T-Rex: We don't even know where ALL THAT WATER ON OUR PLANET CAME FROM, Dromiceiomimus, and we're mostly made out of water! We're pooched!! I thought we were smart but we're totally pooched!! T-Rex: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH Utahraptor: Calm down, T-Rex!! Utahraptor: I believe, if we were to ask him, Professor Science would say it's exciting to live in a time when such fundamental discoveries are still being made - even if we, and I can't believe I'm saying this, don't actually know how the sun works or where water comes from. T-Rex: GOD, we're such LOSERS God: DON'T FEEL BAD T-REX THERE'S THINGS I DON'T KNOW EITHER T-Rex: Really? God: LIKE FOR EXAMPLE HOW IT'S EVEN POSSIBLE Y'ALL DON'T KNOW WHERE WATER COMES FROM T-Rex (punchline): ...Ouch

the first stage of enlightenment is admitting you know nothing and then asking so uh, what the hell

T-Rex: It is a fact universally acknowledged that science nerds don't know how the sun works or where water comes from!! I just acknowledged it! T-Rex: We all did!! T-Rex: However, science nerds are not the only ones dropping the ball! T-Rex: What's the best way to organize large country-sized groups of people? SOCIOLOGY NERDS CAN'T AGREE. What's the best way to distribute wealth? Economics nerds have been arguing about this since economics began! Friggin' unanswered questions are ALL AROUND US. I can't take a walk without stumbling into one!! Utahraptor: Are numbers real? T-Rex: See? SEE?? T-Rex: Also, wait, is that a question? Do we not know? Utahraptor: We don't! Some think they're something we invented - like language - while others argue they're built into the structure of the universe and we can research them the same way we research physics! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary, when I started today I thought I knew what a number is! Hah hah hah I KNOW NOTHING T-Rex (punchline): SO UH, WHAT THE HELL

actually i heard the guy who first built an industrial coin manufacturing facility really made a mint

T-Rex: Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint! Narrator: REALISTIC REBOOTS OF DAD JOKES T-Rex: And it was true, he was rich. But money hadn't been - pardon the pun - the lifesaver he thought it'd be. It had been like winning the lottery, and if he'd been smart, he would've kept a low profile. Put the money in the bank, waited a year, talked to lawyers. Instead he told everyone, lived large. He made himself a target, and now he has to carry kidnapping and ransom insurance constantly. Utahraptor: That's a thing? T-Rex: Heck yes that's a thing! T-Rex: And ironically, having it actually makes you a GREATER target for kidnapping, because now everyone knows you're definitely good to ransom. Anyway, Lifesavers ruined his life and his wealth was a curse and he couldn't even walk his dog without bodyguards now, the end. T-Rex: That's right!! Sometimes "realistic" just means sad! T-Rex (punchline): Welcome to adulthood??

a reasonable question to ask even before you have a dog is why is there poo everywhere all the time

T-Rex: Ah, dogs. Developed through years of evolution to be our perfect companions! They're our cute, friendly, smart, and eager to please furry friends... T-Rex: ...WHO ALSO LIKE TO ROLL IN POO SOMETIMES?? T-Rex: AND ALSO EAT THE POO T-Rex: GOOD LORD T-Rex: KICKSTARTER FOR A DOG THAT WON'T DIVE INTO POO LIKE SCROOGE MCDUCK DIVES IN A POOL FULL OF MONEY Utahraptor: INDIEGOGO FOR A DOG THAT WHEN IT SEES A TURD ON THE GROUND THINKS "OH GROSS A TURD" AND NOT "AT LAST, AT LONG LAST, MY TURD-HAPPY IMPULSES CAN TRULY FLOURISH, AND I CAN BLOSSOM INTO THE POOP-MUNCHING BEAST I TRULY AM" T-Rex (punchline): PATREON FOR GENETIC SCIENTISTS TO EVOLVE DOGS INTO "DOGS 2: YOU KNOW HOW DOGS SEEM GREAT UNTIL YOU'RE WATCHING THEM WEAR POOPS WHILE ALSO SWALLOWING WHAT'S LEFT OF THE POOPS? YEAH, WE HAVE NO IDEA WHY THIS TOOK SO LONG BUT IT'S FIXED NOW"

tiny woman in panel four is like GUYS, i'm RIGHT HERE

T-Rex: Let's imagine you die! And to make that idea SOMEWHAT palatable, let's imagine everyone else dies too! T-Rex: If that doesn't make you feel better, too late! We already imagined it!! T-Rex: Now let's FURTHER imagine that after we're all gone other animals evolve, and they find some of our fossilized bones, and they put them together to recreate what we looked like. What are they odds they'd get it right? They'd probably imagine all SORTS of crazy things, like, oh I don't know... Dromiceiomimus: A backup brain in your tail! T-Rex: Hah! PERFECT. Utahraptor: Maybe they'd get your posture all wrong! T-Rex: Man, THEY SO WOULD. T-Rex: But you can't blame them: a pile of bones COULD go together a lot of different ways. It's sad, though, that the future world may never know the true beauty of my incredibly attractive bone arrangement, let alone the true beauty of my fluorescent lime-green skin. T-Rex and Utahraptor: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): Like for example I could totally see them reassembling my bones with straight legs instead of this weird "knees pointing inwards" thing I've got going on, which looks uncomfortable but which, I ASSURE YOU, is actually super great

this one can go warp nine point nine. NO WAIT, warp nine point nine NINE nine nine

T-Rex: The "laws" of physics say that nothing can go faster than light. Well you know what I think about "laws"? T-Rex: I'll TELL YOU what I think about "laws"!! T-Rex: I think that getting large groups of people to unanimously agree on anything is difficult to impossible and that some will always move outside of what the majority thinks is reasonable, and while I don't want the tyranny of the majority I believe that there are certain things (murder, assault) that the vast majority CAN agree is bad and so using the coercive authority of the state to outlaw them is ethical. Utahraptor: I thought you were gonna talk about warp engines or something. T-Rex: Oh! Oh, no. T-Rex: I just wanted to talk about when the use of force is appropriate and thought a fun little scifi context would help pique people's interest. Utahraptor: Well, it backfired! Now I don't want to talk about ethics. Now I just want to imagine cool spaceships! Narrator: SECRETLY T-REX DOES TOO: T-Rex: pew pew Narrator: OKAY Narrator (punchline): MAYBE IT WASN'T THAT SECRET

buy a hammer and all your problems look like nails, buy a record scratch sound effect generator and all your problems make you want to turn to the camera and exclaim "say WHAAAAAAAAT?": an objective improvement

T-Rex: One day, T-Rex, who had the same name as me but was an original character, do not steal, was flexing his excellent pecs and glutes. They rippled in ways that were manly AND attractive. T-Rex: Everyone agreed that was the case!! T-Rex: Especially Toby who in grade three told T-Rex that he was a loser and nobody would like him!! Now Toby was crying tears of joy because T-Rex was so great, and they were also mixed with tears of regret for his past mistakes. Toby was having a lot of complicated feelings. Dromiceiomimus: EUGH. Dromiceiomimus: MEMOIR. Utahraptor: Eugh. Worse, FICTIONAL memoir! T-Rex: NOT QUITE. T-Rex: This is SPECULATIVE fiction FUTURE memoir. The character of T-Rex in my story also has a hovercar and fights aliens! Utahraptor: And yet you led with his third grade bullies weeping over pecs? Instead of HOVERFIGHTS with HOVERALIENS?? Gah! This is why reading is for losers!! Off panel: *record scratch* Off panel: ...Sorry, I don't actually think reading is for losers, I just wanted to try out my new record scratch sound effect generator. T-Rex (punchline): Yeah, no, I can see that

their catch phrase is "we would have words with you", their first arc would be called "from the word go" and their last arc would be called "famous last words", okay i'm out

T-Rex: Loaded's the munitions expert and Final is the leader: what she says goes! Magic knows mystic arts, while Safe runs support! And Buzz? Well he's the jokester, always with a new catchphrase! Together they're THE WORDS, and when they fight crime? T-Rex: Well, let's just say that their "word"... T-Rex: is "LAW". T-Rex: And that's just off the top of my head. Anyway, Dromiceiomimus, as I was saying, superheroes are really easy and anyone can invent them, THE END. Dromiceiomimus: "Buzz Word". Oh my god. T-Rex: They can fight The Actions, who are extremely loud. T-Rex: Louder, one might say, than even words?? Utahraptor: See, I would've thought they'd fight The Picture. T-Rex: Who? Utahraptor: The Picture? An old-school media mogul who uses his control over the world's TV networks to further his sinister agenda. After all.. T-Rex: oh no I'm suddenly worried that puns are bad when they happen to me Utahraptor: ...a picture is worth 1000 words!! T-Rex: Oh no, it turns out puns ARE bad when they happen to me! God: IF THEY GET ANGRY THEY CAN CALL THEMSELVES THE CROSSWORDS T-Rex: OH NO T-Rex (punchline): IT FURTHER TURNS OUT PUNS CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE

i don't know if any of this is true about mapmakers, but i do know at a large enough scale, it's approximately correct

T-Rex: Paper streets are when mapmakers are like "man I bet someone's gonna copy my map, so I'll put a fake street on my map so I'll be able to tell when anyone copies it!!!!!" T-Rex: Mapmakers are very enthusiastic people, hence the exclamation points!! T-Rex: Take it down a notch, mapmakers! You don't need to shout. We all know you just love making tinier versions of things that are as accurate as possible. We all know you're the kids who made perfect model airplanes and then one day got lost in the woods with your planes that couldn't help you, and you fell to your knees and shook your fist at the sky and swore "One day I will perfectly model... THE WHOLE WORLD". Utahraptor: Whoah. Mapmakers have a supervillain-style origin story? T-Rex: I'm SO INTO IT, Utahraptor. T-Rex: Their endless pursuit of tiny perfection? It OBSESSES them. But it's that inevitable shattering final recognition - that a perfect map is indistinguishable from another - that drives them insane, until they madly introduce errors to their work, so that by these errors THEY SHALL BE KNOWN. Off panel: ...Mapmakers have a lot goin' on, huh? T-Rex: Oh man, all you have to do is whisper "psst, maps are useful precisely BECAUSE they're simpler and therefore less accurate versions of reality" and HEADS EXPLODE! T-Rex (punchline): AT 1:1 SCALE, UTAHRAPTOR

tiny poseidon lives in the waters around tiny towne island, and let me tell you, this li'l guy has some BIG IDEAS about how we can all pitch in to clean up the beach for the community!!

T-Rex: I love to mute my friends on social media! Ask me if I'll apologize. God: WILL YOU APOLOGIZE T-REX T-Rex: I WILL NOT!! Dromiceiomimus: But why be friends with them at all if you're going to ignore everything they say? T-Rex: That's the beauty of it! We're STILL friends, and I still see if they say something DIRECTLY to me. But all the mindless chatter and poorly-thought-out AND ARGUABLY INCORRECT opinions: they gone! It's a PARADISE! Utahraptor: But why not unfollow them then? T-Rex: Because that's a diss! T-Rex: But if I mute them, the friendship can continue without anyone being annoyed at the other! I can't be the only one with friends who are great in real life but who suck at Online. Utahraptor: Yeah... I have one. T-Rex: MUTE 'EM ALL, THAT'S WHAT I SAY!! Narrator: LATER, T-REX GETS MUTED BY UTAHRAPTOR... AND NEVER NOTICES!! T-Rex: [thinks] Are we CERTAIN forks aren't actually tridents... from TINY POSEIDON?? Narrator (punchline): THIS PANEL DOESN'T ACTUALLY DEMONSTRATE THAT, BUT YEAH, THAT'S HOW THIS STORY ENDED

i'd like to propose a.... cheers-type thing with glasses

Narrator: FUN SCIENCE FACTS T-Rex: A single bolt of lightning has enough energy to cook 100,000 pieces of toast! T-Rex: Hooray for fun science facts! Narrator: FUN SCIENCE FACTS PART 2 T-Rex: Uh... a single bolt of lightning has enough energy to cook 50,000 pieces of toast to twice the doneness level as that first bolt of lightning! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Hooray! For fun science facts!! Narrator: FUN SCIENCE FACTS PART 3 Utahraptor: We really should've prepared for this. T-Rex: Aw geez. T-Rex: A single bolt of lightning has enough energy to cook a single piece of toast really well! Arguably too well! It has enough energy to just completely overcook a single piece of toast! Utahraptor: Lightning will mess up toast. Ask any scientist!! Narrator: EARLIER: Off panel: T-Rex, it is I, an authority figure in your life! And I say that communicating science via toast-based factoids does nothing to illuminate either toast or science! T-Rex (punchline): Oh yeah? MANY years from now, we'll (EVENTUALLY) see about that!!

BACK TO THE OL' DRAWING BOARD WHICH INCIDENTALLY IS PRECISELY WHAT EVERYTHING OUTSIDE THE UNIVERSE IS

T-Rex: Did you hear what happened when René Descartes won a horse race? They said he - God: T-REX IF THIS IS A "DESCARTES BEFORE DE HORSE" PUN I WILL DESTROY THIS UNIVERSE T-Rex: Uh - what I meant to say was that when famed philosopher Rene Descartes won a horse race, he - he was very happy. He was the father of modern Western philosophy and he had just raced actual horses on foot and, improbably, he won. The end, no moral. Dromiceiomimus: Huh. It sounds like you were telling this story to set up a joke? Like there should be a pun there? T-Rex: NOPE! There's definitely no puns here!! Utahraptor: Pretty pointless story, T-Rex! T-Rex: Yes, well, here we are. Utahraptor: See he could've said "I THINK I'm good at beating horses in a footrace therefore I AM good at beating horses in a footrace", and this other person could say "hey you should shorten that" and Descartes could say "now now, let's not put DESCARTES before DE HOR-" T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR, NO!! God: T-REX I JUST DESTROYED THE UNIVERSE AND REPLACED IT WITH ONE THAT'S THE SAME EXCEPT THAT HORRIBLE PUN NEVER GOT MADE T-Rex: I guess you're really putting DESCARTES before the - God (punchline): GOSH DARN IT

I have done some research and it might not actually destroy all life on this planet. It is my considered scientific opinion that there's only one way to find out

T-Rex: The year: the future. T-Rex: The time: four seconds from tomorrow. T-Rex: And the world's first expedition to Jupiter is in trouble! T-Rex: Power levels are dropping! Life support is down! This first mission to the most massive planet in our solar system is in dire straits! Dromiceiomimus: Well, what do they do? T-Rex: What can they do? They are far too distant for any sort of rescue. Logically, it is therefore death for everyone involved. THE END. Utahraptor: Surely they could pull out some last minute engineering miracle? T-Rex: I honestly don't see how! Utahraptor: Well, they need energy, right? So maybe they realize that Jupiter has the same makeup as the sun, so they manage to induce fusion in its core! The solar energy refills their batteries and they're saved! T-Rex: Utahraptor! A SECOND SUN IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM WOULD DESTROY ALL LIFE ON THIS PLANET!! T-Rex (punchline): ...but what a way to go; tell me more

ALSO: IF YOU CAN WHISTLE, YOU CAN DO THIS TOO. YOU ARE A WIZARD. YOU CAN SUMMON THE NOISE OF BROKEN ROBOTS. NO GODS CAN JUDGE YOU EITHER, SO THAT'S NICE

T-Rex: Attention, wizards! T-Rex: I have a question about magic!! Dromiceiomimus: I'm not a wizard [tiny] because there are no wizards and even if there were we couldn't admit it without the threat of penalties detailed in section 452.5a [end tiny] but I'm happy to answer your questions! T-Rex: So: MAGIC WORDS. You say some and magic things happen. But these words are always in languages we already speak, like English or bad weird fakey Latin! Dromiceiomimus: ...So? T-Rex: So what the heck! T-Rex: It seems PRETTY UNLIKELY that all magic would just HAPPEN to be unlocked with sounds we can pronounce! Utahraptor: Ah! Utahraptor: You're forgetting that of COURSE the only magic words you hear are in languages it's possible for us to speak! That's all we CAN say. But perhaps the most powerful and darkest magicks are only available to those who can speak in three-part harmony, or hum and whistle at the same time! Narrator: T-REX TRIES TO HUM AND WHISTLE AT THE SAME TIME AND DISCOVERS A) HE CAN DO IT AND B) IT SOUNDS LIKE A ROBOT MALFUNCTIONING T-Rex: BRRRVVVRRRRTT T-Rex: holy crap T-Rex (punchline): no gods can judge me

yes more modern algebraic calculators will let you drop some of those equal signs. NO IT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE, BRACKETS ARE STILL GONNA MESS YOU UP, THIS EXHIBIT IS CLOSED

T-Rex: Tired of the brutal inefficiency of standard calculators? YEAH YOU ARE. Or at least you're about to be, when you find out about... Narrator: REVERSE POLISH NOTATION COMICS T-Rex: In reverse Polish notation you enter the numbers, and THEN the operation! And numbers get put on a stack that's used by operations. For example, to calculate "(1+2)x3" on a regular calculator, I'd have to type "1 + 2 = x 3 =", a whopping SEVEN keystrokes! In RPN, I just type "1 ENTER 2 + 3 X", a mere six keystrokes that gives you but a GLIMPSE of an input scheme of pure beauty and efficiency. Utahraptor: Today is the day. Today is finally the day. T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: Today is the day that I say "I'm sorry, but a debate over which input style used in handheld calculators is, at last, too geeky for me". T-Rex: Hah! Spoken like someone whose input method on handheld calculators is a mere 85.7% as efficient as mine! T-Rex (punchline): 6 ENTER 7 / 100 X

this time it was graffiti, but in other future comics it's PROBABLY just gonna be thoughts. this concludes "HOW TO READ DINOSAUR COMICS: PART 1"

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for inventing a new personal catch phrase! T-Rex: Get ready to hear the following AN AWFUL LOT, cats and kittens... T-Rex: "Let's broaden our database and interface!" Dromiceiomimus: That's your catch phrase? "Let's broaden our database and interface"? T-Rex: Hah! Don't wear it out, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: What does it even mean? T-Rex: I think that's PRETTY self-explanatory, vis-à-vis the broadening of databases and interface. Utahraptor: I think this is the worst catch phrase I've ever heard! T-Rex: Well you know what I say to that? T-Rex: Let's broaden our Utahraptor: Don't. T-Rex: database and Utahraptor: Please! T-Rex: inter... Utahraptor: NO. SAY IT AND OUR FRIENDSHIP IS ANNULLED T-Rex: [thinks] face! Off panel: YES HELLO Off panel (punchline): THE GRAFFITI YOU DREW BEHIND YOU SO IT'D LOOK LIKE EVERYONE COULD READ YOUR THOUGHTS WHEN VIEWED FROM THE CORRECT ANGLE IS AS ANNOYING AS IT IS IMPRESSIVE

true facts: any story you'd like to write but which violate copyrights is technically a story SO AWESOME the law made it illegal!! And by "technically" i mean "only if you mentally rearrange events so that copyright gets invented AFTER your story and as a direct response to how awesome your story is, but still!!"

T-Rex: One day Sherlock Holmes, who was like Batman - but with a way worse costume; no secret identity; T-Rex: a less growly voice; T-Rex: ninja skills that could be rated charitably as "slim to none"; a cape that, IF HE REMEMBERED TO WEAR IT, wasn't even black; Dromiceiomimus: no personally-branded computers, signals, ropes, planes, mobiles, or -arangs; T-Rex: a lair that was just an apartment with a regular address that ANYONE CAN GO TO instead of a secret cave with a giant penny inside PLUS A ROBOT DINOSAUR; Utahraptor: a sidekick whose origin was "we were friends before and we still are", which doesn't even involve a single circus; T-Rex: no "family" of friends and compatriots who also fight crime and solve mysteries under a similar costumed theme, meaning the possibility of a "Sherlock Woman", an "Ace The Sherhound", and a semi-reformed Moriarty whose true allegiances are always in doubt are all left ENTIRELY on the table; T-Rex: - frowned. "If only Batman were in the public domain," Sherlock deduced, "I could steal all those ideas, especially the Moriarty one, which I have already deduced is cool." T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor! I call my tale "The Story So Awesome THE LAW Made It ILLEGAL For Me To Write It"!!

in this hovertext, the car is a metaphor for your unfinished novel, half-sewn sweater, AND cross-stitch that five years ago you started the border on. also it's literally the kit car you bought and never put together

T-Rex: In olden times you could get shipped the parts of a car in a box, and then you'd build a car. I'm bringing this back, baby! How hard could it be... T-Rex: ...TO BUILD A FRIGGIN' CAR?? Narrator: IN THIS PANEL, T-REX TRIES TO BUILD THE CAR! BUT IT TURNS OUT HE HAS NO KNOWLEDGE ABOUT ANYTHING TO DO WITH CARS OR ENGINES AND HIS CAR IS A BIG PILE OF GARBAGE THAT DOESN'T EVEN ROLL RIGHT!! T-Rex: oh no T-Rex: oh no oh no oh no Utahraptor: Aha! SOMEONE thought the trades were easy! T-Rex: No, it's not that! T-Rex: I thought building a car would be hard, I just didn't think it'd be THIS hard. Did you know there are over 30 DIFFERENT PIECES in every car, and if they're not put together right then the car won't work?? Utahraptor: I knew that. Utahraptor: I think... everyone knew that? Narrator: IN THIS PANEL, THE CRAPPY CAR AND ITS BOX OF PARTS REMINDS T-REX OF HIS FAILURES AND THE FOLLY OF HIS AMBITION EVERY TIME HE SEES IT! BUT INCREDIBLY, HE CAN NEVER BRING HIMSELF TO THROW IT OUT!! T-Rex (punchline): welp

I'd define your best part as the part of you that lasts the longest, so all your meatbits are off the table. The best part of anyone is their skeleton, ESPECIALLY if they die in a silty river where their bones can be fossilized. DONE. Gimmie them skellies

T-Rex: Some people say my shoulders are great, while others like my cheekbones. Personally, I can't decide what my best body part is! ATTENTION, FRIENDS! T-Rex: ...What would you say is my best feature? Dromiceiomimus: Well if we want to answer this objectively, T-Rex, we need to define what "best" is. The "beauty" sense is too subjective, so we should go with something we can measure: CASH VALUE. Therefore, everyone's best features - including yours - are your sweet sweet valuable corneas, heart, bone marrow, and kidneys. Utahraptor: Don't listen to her, T-Rex! Organ selling is illegal! T-Rex: I... kinda assumed?? Utahraptor: All the government LEGALLY lets you do is break down your bodyparts and sell them for their elemental value, so your best features are your oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, and calcium. But these elements are all SUPER COMMON, and a body's worth only gets you a few bucks on the open market! Don't waste your time!! T-Rex: ATTENTION, FRIENDS! This is the last time I go fishing for compliments. It's also the first time I wonder why my pals know so much about the market value for body parts!! T-Rex (punchline): Anyway I think my eyes are cute af, T-REX OUT

the current political state of the world is: []good []bad []neutral []haven't heard of it []something i've been meaning to look into []tedious at best []a grim but welcome distraction from the inevitable FUTURE political state of the world

T-Rex: Stress!! Ahhhhh! We've all got it. But how do you DEAL with it? T-Rex: It's a great question! T-Rex: And the answer? "Probably pretty poorly!!" T-Rex: Heck, me just planting the IDEA that you've been dealing with stress poorly is probably adding to your stress right now! And that's before I remind you about your grades and exams, if you're in school, and if you're not all I have to do is mention your work performance and taxes, which can, of course, be audited at any point in time! Utahraptor: Dude, none of this is helping with my stress!! T-Rex: I know! I HAVE NO ANSWERS! T-Rex: Let's talk about something else, like the political state of the world - Utahraptor: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh T-Rex: - or the fact we're changing our planet's climate and have no way to change it back - Utahraptor: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH T-Rex: In conclusion, if you have any ideas how to make stress be a thing that does not exist anymore, please let me know. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to join my friend Utahraptor in our scheduled 8:30am screaming. T-Rex and off panel (punchline): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

there may be some downside to taking existing swears and adding "o" to the end. after due consideration of everyone's feedback, I am proud to announce that moving forward I will be adding "o'" to the FRONT of them instead

T-Rex: Having an issue with a friend? Need a way to talk about something sensitive with someone, but worried they'll get mad or you'll hurt their feelings? T-Rex: Sounds like you need... T-Rex: [very large] ...INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP ADVICE!! Dromiceiomimus: whoah T-Rex I'm right here Dromiceiomimus: There's no need to shout Utahraptor: So? Lay some on me! T-Rex: Absolutely!! T-Rex: Here's some advice, buddy! Even kind people acting kindly can still irritate, hurt, or aggrieve each other!! There is no cure-all panacea to emotions and the best we can do is try not to take things personally, fucko!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I have considered the matter carefully and have reached the following considered conclusion: T-Rex (punchline): I believe there are regrettable ASPECTS of my "bring 'fucko' back" campaign??

the James Bond books are public domain in Canada though! that's right: america's neighbour to the north has socialized health care, paid maternity leave, and LEGAL JAMES BOND FANFIC

T-Rex: The year: the future. The time: five seconds from tomorrow. T-Rex: And no new stories have entered the public domain in generations! T-Rex: In this new era of perpetual copyright, every story except those that predate the founding of Disney are owned by someone! Even fan work has been monetized, with clearing houses demanding fees be paid even if you just wanna draw your MPREG Sonic OC crossing over with Pokémon! T-Rex: ESPECIALLY IF you wanna draw that, actually! Utahraptor: Sounds dystopian! T-Rex: But there is a bright side! T-Rex: Out of copyright peeps are free and clear, so THEY'RE reworked within an inch of their lives. Dracula is reinvented as a Batman analogue, Robin Hood becomes a new generation's James Bond! This is precisely analogous to how on islands without mammals, other animals (like birds) evolve to fill those niches!! T-Rex: SURPRISE, YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT SONIC OCs BUT INSTEAD YOU LEARNED SCIENCE!! T-Rex (punchline): That's the T-Rex Experience, Baby.™

haha woo

Off panel: Hey T-Rex, remember that party ten years ago? With the potato? T-Rex: I... T-Rex: I... I don't!! T-Rex: I don't remember that AT ALL!! Dromiceiomimus: Come on! Remember? Someone brought this giant potato to the party for some reason and for the rest of the night the catchphrase was "hey, at least I didn't bring the giant potato"?? COME ON, you remember this. It was hilarious! T-Rex: While it CLEARLY sounds like the sort of thing that might easily have been hilarious for one night ten years ago, I still can't recall any of this! Utahraptor: Oh man! That friggin' giant potato! We were DYING laughing. T-Rex: WHY DON'T I REMEMBER THIS? Utahraptor: Ah well, it's not that big a deal. T-Rex: No, it's huge! Our memories make up WHO WE ARE, and mine are DISAPPEARING! Ten years ago everyone else was like "time to remember a giant potato forever" while I was like "ah yes, time to FORGET this FORMATIVE ANECDOTE"!! Narrator: TEN YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Hah hah! Now I don't remember EVER being outraged about my memories fading, nor can I recall what I've forgotten!! T-Rex (punchline): CHECK AND MATE, FAILING BODY AND MIND

there! now you don't have to read TWO books!

T-Rex: As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic dog. T-Rex: So really, his problems were... pretty much over? T-Rex: There was an apple stuck in his fur, but he could easily pull it out with his new canines and then gobble it. So now he'd been a dog for only a few moments and he'd already gotten a snack! Was he a good boy? He was pretty sure he was a good boy. Utahraptor: Are you certain he wasn't a gigantic insect? T-Rex: Uh, YEAH. They're easy to tell apart! T-Rex: Anyway, his sister came in and was delighted to see Gregor was a dog now. His every dream had come true. She was so happy for him that for the rest of her life, she never could recall more joyous tears than those she was shedding right now. THE END. T-Rex: P.S.: Later on Gregor moved to America and changed his name to "Clifford". T-Rex (punchline): Literature: almost TOO easy??

SOUTHERN USA: you want me to call all pops "cokes" regardless of flavour? well you might as well drag some wrought iron, granite, and carving drills up here and start a graveyard because I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

T-Rex: It has come to my attention that many of us do not know how to be polite outside our own culture. T-Rex: Therefore, here's lessons on politeness across different cultures! Narrator: CANADA: T-Rex: Take off your shoes when entering someone's house. Dromiceiomimus: It'll be fine, honest. T-Rex: I PROMISE you will survive a few minutes not wearing your shoes. Narrator: UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: Utahraptor: Take off your socks too! T-Rex: Yep! Narrator: NORTHERN USA: T-Rex: Take off your shoes, socks, and shirt. And yes, if your hosts undress further when they enter, it is rude not to join them. You're in polite society. Utahraptor: Friggin' act like it and take off your damn shirt. Narrator: SOUTHWESTERN USA: T-Rex: Same as before, but now you have to call pop "soda". Off panel (punchline): NEVER

Jesus -> Gee Whiz -> Cheeze Whiz -> Cheeze Whiz Christ confirmed

T-Rex: A lot of folks don't like to say bad words all the time! OCCASIONALLY, sure, as a sometimes treat, but not ALL the time. T-Rex: That's why we invented euphemisms! T-Rex: Of course, if you're SUPER precious about what you think a bad word is, you'll run into problems. What happens if you've decided a word everyone else uses sounds obscene? Dromiceiomimus: You invent a new word to replace it? T-Rex: You got it! Utahraptor: Like instead of breasts, bosoms! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: The Puritans were UNSURPRISINGLY hard core on this one and invented tons of new words. "Cock" had started making people think of cool weiners in the 1600s, so they came up with "rooster" instead! They also thought "bull" was rude and invented "gentleman cow", but to my ETERNAL REGRET that never caught on. T-Rex: In conclusion, "gee whiz" started life as a minced oath version of "Jesus". Off panel: Gee Whiz tap dancing Christ, I had no idea! T-Rex: RIGHT?? It's the truth though! T-Rex (punchline): No gentleman cow, dude!!

man i wish [everyone who was awesome before they died's name here] hadn't died, because that set includes literally everyone who was awesome but who also has died

Narrator: BIG QUESTIONS COMICS Narrator: today's question... T-Rex: What happens when you die? T-Rex: This is actually easy to explain! At the instant of your death, you are but one being in an entire universe of matter, all moving in various reference frames. Because of the unimaginable complexity of the universe, to fully understand everything that's happening everywhere even in that one moment would take an eternity of study!! Utahraptor: I think the question is more focused on what happens AFTER you die, my dude! T-Rex: Oh! Of course! T-Rex: Hundreds of trillions of years after you die, the universe is a vast frozen wasteland just slightly above absolute zero, in which all stars have died and even motion has ceased. Utahraptor: Oh my god, just tell us what happens in the short to medium term after death! T-Rex: Sure! After you die your friends are like "man, I wish [your name here] hadn't died, for the bonds of friendship we shared (which I believed would ENHANCE my life) are now making me feel sad!!" Off panel: Eh. Off panel (punchline): I'll take it

...BUT IT CERTAINLY WASN'T THE HOST TO CALL EVERY CALLER "COUSIN" AND TO INTERRUPT THEM TO ASK THEM WHAT THE WEATHER WAS LIKE WHERE THEY WERE BEFORE THEY COULD EVEN REQUEST A SONG

Off panel: Who do you want to dedicate this song to? T-Rex: I'd like to send it out to my friends Utahraptor and Dromiceiomimus! Off panel: You got it, caller! Narrator: CALL-IN RADIO SONG DEDICATIONS Off panel: Who do you want to dedicate this song to? T-Rex: I'd like to send it out to the inventor of the speakerphone, which is the device I am currently speaking to you on! It's very small! Narrator: Ah yes, the all-time classic dedication! Off panel: Who do you want to dedicate this song to? T-Rex: Alan Turi-- Utahraptor: NO, HE MEANS ME Off panel: Who do you want to dedicate this song to? Off panel: I do not dedicate songs, because I've already dedicated every day to our Lord and Saviour, and - T-Rex and Utahraptor: COME ON MAN, AT LEAST PICK THE INVENTOR OF THE SPEAKERPHONE Narrator: THE END Narrator: BASED ON A TRUE RADIO CALL IN SHOW I LISTENED TO Narrator (punchline): IT WAS AN ALL-OLDIES CALL-IN SHOW STILL RUNNING DECADES AFTER THE INVENTION OF MP3S SO I'M NOT SURE WHAT I WAS EXPECTING

later: .........aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

T-Rex: Imagine if you were never born! The whole world would be slightly different without your presence! T-Rex: Now imagine if your PARENTS had never been born! Dang, the world is even MORE different now! T-Rex: Now imagine THEIR parents never having been born, and their parents, and so on and so on, until you have erased ALL LIFE FROM THE PLANET!! Utahraptor: Okay, now what? T-Rex: Pfft, I dunno. Imagine rocks?? [no text] Off panel: You know, that was actually a real nice break from reading a constantly-updating news feed and screaming. T-Rex: It sure was!! Off panel: ... T-Rex: ... Off panel: ...Welp, we'd better get back to it though T-Rex (punchline): Agreed

later on sherlock holmes got restored to normal in a way that made sense and was narratively satisfying

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes, who had been transformed into a dog for reasons that I'd rather not explore at this juncture so please just accept this has happened and we'll all move forward, whined gently. This was his greatest case yet! T-Rex: The Case of How Sherlock Holmes Got Transformed Into A Dog! T-Rex: Sherlock was sniffing around (figuratively, dogs can smell well but it wasn't helping Sherlock in this instance) for clues when Watson (also a dog, also not necessary to get into this now so it would help if you just accepted it) walked up. "I found a clue over here!" said Watson (you must also assume that dogs communicate through barks for this story to work, I know it doesn't super make sense but we'll get there I promise). Utahraptor: You're asking a lot of your readers, T-Rex! T-Rex: I know! Utahraptor: It's just - I can't think of other great works of literature that straight-up ASK their readers to stay with them. It's not like Moby-Dick opens with "the white whale is a metaphor but it's also a literal giant whale, please accept this and I PROMISE I'll make it up to you", you know? Narrator: T-REX SPENT THE REST OF HIS DAYS HAUNTED BY THAT OBJECTIVELY IMPROVED OPENING LINE TO MOBY-DICK. T-Rex: My high school book report would've been T-Rex: SO T-Rex (punchline): EASY

i'm not a hermit!! I'M the mayor of utopia city

T-Rex: Welcome to Utopia City! It's a city where everything is perfect! T-Rex: So that'll be nice! Dromiceiomimus: Hey, how did you deal with the jerk problem? T-Rex: Oh, they're not allowed into Utopia City. Strict "no jerks allowed" policy. Dromiceiomimus: But what if someone BECOMES a jerk once they're inside? T-Rex: I guess then... they get kicked out? Utahraptor: So ANYONE'S place in paradise is precarious, fully dependent on how popular they are. T-Rex: Uh - Utahraptor: And what if MY version of paradise includes debating with someone who disagrees with me for fourteen years or so? This doesn't sound like Utopia City to me, T-Rex! This sounds like an AUTHORITARIAN POPULARITY REGIME playing with our VERY LIVES!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Welcome to Utopia City! It's a city where only I am allowed in!! T-Rex (punchline): ...listen, there's significant upsides

you heard it here first: baby boomers are immortal and I guess we all just have to deal with that

T-Rex: Video games are a not inexpensive hobby! A game can cost upwards of $15! T-Rex: Much upwards of $15, if we're being honest with ourselves! T-Rex: And it's not just games. Books, movies, heck - ALL entertainment could stand to be cheaper. And here's the thing: eventually, it DOES get cheaper! T-Rex: Older games are always less expensive! Wait a few years and you'll get them on sale! Utahraptor: Wait a few more years and you'll get them used at garage sales! T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: Wait a few more years still and eventually the copyright will expire, making the work free! T-Rex: Yes!! Use your 200+ year lifespan to OUTWAIT CULTURE, and eventually you'll save upwards of $15!! Much upwards of $15, if we're being honest with ourselves!! T-Rex: Yes, this is indeed but one of the many ways in which the previous immortal generation is screwing over us millennials. Off panel: Also, they're refusing to retire but then blaming us for not finding a job opening! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR T-Rex (punchline): THEY WON'T DIE

nah, it's okay. go ahead. i wanna see it, artists

Narrator: THE ALL-TIME BEST TRENDS IN VISUAL ART T-Rex: Chrome balls hovering over a checkerboard! T-Rex: LOVE IT Dromiceiomimus: Pre-Renaissance paintings where nobody had figured out how to draw babies yet, so everyone just drew just tiny adult men running around. T-Rex: OMG T-Rex: SO GOOD Utahraptor: Naked mammals in clams, EXCEPT the Birth of Venus, which is WAY too mainstream. T-Rex: Solid! T-Rex and Utahraptor: That thing where you buy an old painting at a thrift store but then paint a dinosaur or a Mario into it! T-Rex: AHHHH IT'S NEVER NOT GOOD Narrator: THIS CONCLUDES THE ALL-TIME BEST TRENDS IN ART. T-Rex: A theoretical art containing all these elements would attain perfection, thereby ending the universe as its ultimate purpose will have been achieved! T-Rex (punchline): SO FRIGGIN DON'T DO THAT, ARTISTS!!

is that BEEP BEEP BEEP a fire alarm, or is it the much more specialized, and much more coveted "your grilled cheese is nearby so come get some" alarm?? it is truly impossible to say

T-Rex: Success! People want it, but do they REALLY know what it is? God: YEAH MAN THEY SURE DO T-Rex: Oh! God: IT'S WHEN EVERYTHING GOES YOUR WAY AND THE THINGS YOU SET OUT TO DO ALL GET DONE T-Rex: Wow! That sounds great! God: TAKE IT FROM ME God: THE GUY WHO INVENTED A WHOLE UNIVERSE God: IT TOTALLY RULES Utahraptor: But wouldn't it get boring being successful ALL the time? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: If you got bored, you could just set out to be less successful, AND THEN SUCCEED AT THAT. When you've got success, everything's perfect! Everything's great! T-Rex and Utahraptor: And THAT'S why everyone wants to be successful!! T-Rex: Meanwhile, I burned my grilled cheese sandwich today: a meal so simple, its recipe is fully contained within its name!! Off panel: Hah hah! Off panel: BEEP BEEP BEEP Off panel (punchline): Aw crap, MY grilled cheese!!

LATER ON THE ATTACK ENDED WITH NO LASTING CONSEQUENCES AND IT WAS NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN, THE END, NO SEQUEL

Narrator: ALIENS ATTACK IN THE THIRD PANEL the comic! T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to be stomping on things! In fact, perhaps today is a good day I think to be stomping on... T-Rex: ...EVERYTHING?? Narrator: FINALLY, THE WAIT IS OVER! THIS IS THE PANEL WHEREIN ALIENS ATTACK!! Dromiceiomimus: Seems to me like you talk a big game, my friend, but I don't see results! T-Rex: Is my foot not raised above this house? Am I not perfectly positioned for a stomping at my MEREST FANCY? Narrator: AS YOU MAY HAVE GUESSED, THE ALIENS ARE FAR AWAY Utahraptor: Again, all talk! T-Rex: Gasp! Narrator: THEY DID ATTACK, BUT THE BATTLE IS RAGING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD. T-Rex: Well, all talk or not, I still think today is a good day to be doing lots of things, including stomping. Utahraptor: Fair enough! Narrator: I'M SORRY YOU'RE MISSING IT T-Rex: See you later! Off panel: Bye, friend! Narrator (punchline): I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY

uh, writing is hard and you're not making it any easier so i would appreciate it if you would be kind to me and just tell everyone my story is amazing alert??

Narrator: THE MAN WHO COULD REMEMBER EVERYTHING T-Rex: One day there was a man who could remember everything! T-Rex: And if you've already read the title of this story, then way to spoil this little reveal!! T-Rex: At first he just remembered details from the past few weeks. But then he remembered further and further back: his childhood, his birth, even his conception. Soon he was remembering things from even before he was born, then before his species had even EVOLVED! He was, as you already spoiled for yourself, remembering EVERYTHING. Utahraptor: But how is this possible? T-Rex: ELECTRONS. T-Rex: All electrons are identical, but we never knew WHY. Turns out they're all actually the SAME electron, travelling forward and backwards through time across the entire lifespan of the universe!! This man was accessing everything this one electron had witnessed, which is to say: EVERY SINGLE THING. Off panel: Wait... wouldn't that mean he could see the future too? T-Rex: Uh, SPOILER ALERT?? Off panel: It's implied right there in the premise!! T-Rex (punchline): Uh, READERS USING LOGIC AND REASONING WHEN THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ALERT??