Datasets:

paul-stansifer

/

qwantz-strips-3550

like 0

your mother and i have lots fun / but we never rap at the table 'til dinner's done

T-Rex: Hey there teens yeah you know me / The name's T-Rex and I'm cool as can be! / And this is me gettin' down on one knee / Cause I'm here to rap about monogamy! T-Rex: Now when you walk around the school / you just might chance to see T-Rex: Some "cool cat" sucka tryin' take you for a fool / sellin' you on polyamory. / That's where instead of one sweetie / You get a whole bunch of partners, like two or three! T-Rex: And you kiss on 'em all, it might seem so great / But before you do that, try one gamy on your plate! / Just one gamy: "mono", you see / it's worked out really quite well for me T-Rex: I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast / but when it comes to exclusive commitment I've got the most! Utahraptor: SAY WHAT? Utahraptor: Dear GOD: you're rapping about how cool monogamy is. You've unleashed the anti-rap: DAD RAP. Next you'll be rapping about the money you save with the great interest rate you negotiated on your home equity line of credit! T-Rex: Pfft. You're just jealous. Narrator: BUT SOON: T-Rex (punchline): You want to get with me you better get in line / Cause I'm only ever kissing one person at a time! / And when I kiss it's so sublime / Cause you're kissing on someone who got 0.25% above prime

so hooray for tng fiction in particular i guess

T-Rex: I love in old Star Trek episodes where Spock goes around saying "computers don't make mistakes". I love that his lines were written by someone who clearly had never touched a computer. T-Rex: Computers screw up all the time, yo! T-Rex: And don't give me that "they only make mistakes if they're programmed to" garbage. I had a computer with a faulty HDD controller, so random bits would get flipped on random files all the time. It made my photos DECAY, getting slightly worse every time I looked at them, until they weren't readable at all. T-Rex: That computer made some friggin mistakes! Utahraptor: But you gotta love the idea behind the line, T-Rex: that if we only tried, we could one day create a perfect machine! Utahraptor: That beautiful faith that, despite all that we are, one day we'll overcome our problems and flaws and inner nature and actually bring something pure and faultless and more perfect than ourselves into this world. T-Rex: It's a wonderful idea. Utahraptor: It is. Off panel: Hooray for fiction: The Place Where We Imagined What Things Would Be Like If We Were Better Than We Are!™ T-Rex: And Also If There Were Robot Men Who Would Be Our Friends™! Off panel (punchline): And Also That™.

people who say exercise is fun get a commission and make a quick $15 for every five minutes you exercise. IT'S THE ONLY WAY THIS MAKES SENSE

Narrator: THE SIX STAGES OF PHYSICAL EXERCISE Narrator: STAGE 1: THIS IS GREAT T-Rex: I say, what a delightful day to do some friggin' physical exercise! Narrator: STAGE 2: THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE T-Rex: EXERCISE = THE WORST THING TO USE A BODY FOR Narrator: STAGE 3: THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE T-Rex: Look at me, Dromiceiomimus! I'm doing physical exercise! Got a good rhythm going too! I'm one of those healthy guys you see who have nice bodies eventually! Dromiceiomimus: Would you say... you could keep this pace up INDEFINITELY? T-Rex: ABSOLUTELY AND WITHOUT HESITATION Narrator: STAGE 4: WHAT AM I DOING, AND WHY T-Rex: AHHH huhhh AHHHHH huhhhh Utahraptor: Classic Stage 4! Narrator: STAGE 5: EXERCISE, AT LAST, OVER T-Rex: I exercised harder and longer than I have before, and I was so hot, and I was dying, and I wanted to die. I WANTED it. In my heart of hearts... I welcomed death, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: Do you feel good for having done it? T-Rex: Hah hah hah!! NOPE Narrator: STAGE 6: FORGETFULNESS T-Rex: I love exercise! Strenuous physical activity is fun and makes you feel good!! Off panel: Why does everyone keep saying these obviously false things? What, is it Stockholm Syndrome? T-Rex (punchline): YOU TAKE THAT BACK

ONLY ACCEPT THIS AWARD IF YOU HAVE READ THE ENTIRE COMIC!! IF YOU JUST SKIPPED TO THE LAST PANEL YOU ARE MERELY POSING AS A "READING THIS ONE PARTICULAR COMIC" EXPERT, PROBABLY BECAUSE OF ALL THE PRESTIGE IT BRINGS, AND I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU

T-Rex: A cool way to learn stuff is to pick a very small subject and then learn every single thing there is to know about that tiny subject. T-Rex: This is sometimes called "getting a PhD"! T-Rex: But if you don't have A FULL DECADE OF YOUR LIFE TO BURN ON A PhD, HAH HAH HAH, you can always choose a smaller topic! For example, instead of studying "20th century English literature", you could instead study "watching fun cartoons". Dromiceiomimus: Is there a tenure path in "watching fun cartoons"? T-Rex: My best information on this matter is... WHO CARES, LET'S WATCH MORE FUN CARTOONS? Utahraptor: But if I spent my time in school I'd get a degree at the end! T-Rex: Yes. AND?? Utahraptor: Well, it's just that showing off a degree from a reputable institution can impress prospective employers, while showing off a note from my mom that says "he watched a lot of fun cartoons" could actually get me fired from any job I already have. Narrator: THE END [a certificate in a gothic font] Certificate: This Printout And/Or Screenshot Certifies That: Certificate: having read and understood the previous five panels, Certificate: is now an expert in the contents of this particular comic, Certificate (punchline): and should be accorded only the most massive of props

ah, ancient greece, inventors of both democracy AND the phrase "another doctor is a more successful doctor than me? HE MUST BE HORNIER, ARREST HIM"

T-Rex: The time: 4th century BCE, a.k.a. "history times"! The place: GREEKTOWNE 2000, which is what Greece MAY have been called in those days, assuming all records of this name have all been lost or destroyed since then. T-Rex: Anyway, a woman named Agnodice lived there! T-Rex: She wanted to be a doctor, but female doctors were illegal, so she dressed up as a man and said "Hello fellow male doctors" and it was enough to pass! She became a doctor and one day a woman was in labour and needed help, but she didn't want a man to touch her. Agnodice revealed her true gender to her and treated her successfully! And word spread between women and soon lots of them were going to her, as she was the only female doctor around. Utahraptor: The dude doctors didn't like this? T-Rex: NOPE! T-Rex: So they put her on trial for seducing women. Then she revealed she WAS a woman, which only got her in more trouble! But then the women she'd treated showed up, praised her, sassed their husbands for hassling her, and unlike EVERY OTHER HISTORY STORY, this one ends with Agnodice being acquitted and the law being changed. Banner: History: it's not all awful! T-Rex: One time two millenia ago it was pretty okay! Banner (punchline): There was one time a while back where it was pretty okay

you only need to breathe in less than one MICROgram of it to die! a mason jar full of botulism would be enough to kill all humans on the entire planet! NOBODY DO THIS, NOBODY KILL ALL HUMANS BECAUSE THIS SECRET TEXT IN MY WEBCOMIC TOLD YOU ALL YOU NEED TO DO IT!! I WILL BE **MEGA CHEEZED**

T-Rex: I don't want to alarm anyone, but we're all aware of BOTULISM, right? Like, we've all done cursory research into botulism, yeah? T-Rex: I ASK ONLY BECAUSE IT'S THE NEUROTOXIN YOU CAN GROW AT HOME?? T-Rex: BY ACCIDENT? T-Rex: It's one of the most lethal toxins we know, and it's EVERYWHERE. It's SUFFUSED the dirt that's all around us, WAITING. The ONLY thing that's saving us (SO FAR) is that it can't grow when exposed to oxygen, unlike US, who usually ONLY grow when exposed to oxygen! Utahraptor: But we can grow it in home preserves, right? T-Rex: Oh, sure! NO PROBLEM! T-Rex: And heads up: boiling your food doesn't actually kill the botulism spores: it just removes the toxic bacteria growing out of them. You don't kill botulism. You just POSTPONE it. BOTULISM ABIDES. Utahraptor: Oh well! Looks like I'm never eating any foods again ever!! T-Rex: PROS OF EARTH: beautiful, good place to live, lots of trees and clouds! T-Rex (punchline): CONS OF EARTH: botulism everywhere, sometimes too hot or cold, and again I cannot stress this enough: botulism everywhere

what should we invent next? weaponized anthrax? ALREADY DID IT, WAY AHEAD OF YOU

T-Rex: It's the 50s! Sputnik has just orbited above the United States and peeps are FREAKING OUT. America wants to win the space race, and comes up with two options. OPTION ONE: create NASA, send men into space. Option 2: T-Rex: NUKE THE FRIGGIN' MOON. T-Rex: This plan has a lot of benefits! It's cheap, America already has the missiles and nukes lying around anyway, and a nuclear explosion on the moon WILL be visible from Earth. Plus it'd show those Reds who's boss! Dromiceiomimus: "My fellow Americans: totally check out the moon tonight, but I can't tell you why because it's a surprise. Also, the hated Soviets should look too." T-Rex: EXACTLY. Utahraptor: So what happens next in your alternate history? T-Rex: "Alternate"? What? T-Rex: This happened, dude. Project A119. CARL SAGAN worked on it. It only got cancelled when they couldn't guarantee the nuke wouldn't miss and fall back to Earth, and they also got kinda worried that somehow - SOMEHOW - nuking the moon would not be the PR coup they'd hoped. Utahraptor: The 20th century, huh? Narrator: THE 20TH CENTURY, PERSONIFIED: T-Rex: Hi, I represent the 20th century! In the space of almost 50 years we invented planes, TV, helicopters, digital computers, nukes AND spaceships! T-Rex: So YEAH T-Rex (punchline): WE WENT A LITTLE CRAZY

number 1 is SUCH a lonely number that we've all become all worried about it: we're always checking in, trying to cheer it up, saying how we hope things are going well. in other words, now you know why everyone's always... looking out for number 1

T-Rex: The number 0 is interesting because it's the only number we've got that you can't divide by without causing a black hole. T-Rex: And 1 is interesting because it's so lonely! The loneliest of all numbers, I'VE heard. T-Rex: 2's interesting because it's the first AND ONLY even prime number, and 3's interesting because it's our closest single-digit approximation for pi and that's especially useful if you don't really care about pi! Dromiceiomimus: Like teens! T-Rex: It's true! MANY teens don't care about pi; it is a fact all mathematicians must admit in their heart of hearts!! Utahraptor: But as you know, we've got infinite numbers! They're our only infinitely-renewable natural resource. T-Rex: True! T-Rex: And you might say, hey, EVENTUALLY one of 'em has to be boring. But that leads to paradox: our first boring number becomes interesting BECAUSE it's our first boring number! Therefore, proof by contradiction, there's no such thing as a boring number, all numbers are interesting, and math is so cool. Banner: MATH: you can use it to prove math is cool! Off panel: Actually your proof falls apart if you rigorously define "interesting", and - T-Rex: Silence!! Banner (punchline): MATH: shut up

they're not radio boxes, they're check boxes. choose as many as you want. SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED

Narrator: THANKS FOR THE LINK Narrator: a webcard for people who are online all the time Narrator: and whose friends are FRIGGIN' CASUALS T-Rex: Thanks for the link! I saw it: [ ] when it was first posted [ ] earlier yesterday [ ] shortly after it was posted because it's not amateur hour over here [ ] for a second time, now that you have emailed it to me T-Rex: [ ] and i love you baby but i'm running out of ways to say "wow neat" to something i have ALREADY SEEN T-Rex: [ ] so what, you want me to pretend I haven't seen it? You want me to LIE? [ ] and OBVIOUSLY if i'd sent YOU the link back when i saw it then none of this would've happened, so CLEARLY this is MY fault [ ] i didn't send it to you because IT'S NOT A GOOD LINK; i'm not a snob, i just have TASTE T-Rex: On second thought ERASE ALL THAT, and I instead would like to say: T-Rex (punchline): [ ] wow neat [ ] omg wtf [ ] lol [ ] lolol [ ] haha cool

bonering boners language

T-Rex: Science tells us that English has OVER 350 different words, but sometimes even those aren't enough! Narrator: HOW TO INVENT NEW WORDS T-Rex: Luckily, inventing new words is easy. Hey, here's one: "boner". Dromiceiomimus: That's clearly an existing word, T-Rex. T-Rex: As a noun, PERHAPS. But now it exists as a verb, too: "I bonered out of here! I bonered out of here like a bat bonering out of boner hell." It's - T-Rex: It's an adjective now too?? Utahraptor: You don't know your own word? T-Rex: I just haven't fully considered the implications! T-Rex: Dude, I'm toying with ENGLISH HERSELF here. I don't want to mess it up, and then everyone says "Oh wow English sucks now, let's all learn Pinghua Chinese instead". Utahraptor: Hey! What's wrong with Pinghua? T-Rex: Nothing!! I just already learned English is all! Utahraptor: Is this... RACISMS?? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): Welp, I bonered the boner pret-ty damn boner today

panel six counts because "pizza" is in it, and placing a pizza as a topping on top of another pizza is the highest and most evolved form of pizza

Narrator: T-REX'S CANDIDATE: T-Rex: "Pizzazz" is the worst word because all it does is remind you of pizza, usually when you're not eating pizza and can not immediately eat a pizza. Narrator: "THE WORST WORDS THAT PEPPER OUR VOCABULARIES" Narrator: FINAL ROUND Narrator: DROMICEIOMIMUS'S CANDIDATE: Dromiceiomimus: "Collectible" is the worst word because it simply means "having the ability to be collected" (i.e., EVERY SINGLE OBJECT THAT THERE'S MORE THAN ONE OF), and the word is loved by companies who use it because they're too chicken to admit they manufacture items which exist simply to be owned. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus: she's got opinions! Dromiceiomimus: Sure do!! Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR'S CANDIDATE: Utahraptor: Personally, I'VE always had a beef with "panties". T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: It's disgustingly juvenile, PLUS it's a waste of a word that could've otherwise been used to describe either wee baby pants or big panting aunts. Cheeses me off. T-Rex: Fair enough! Now all that remains is to see which of these three words is THE WORST WORD OF ALL TIME!! Narrator: THE WINNER: "PIZZAZZ" T-Rex: Mainly since we've all been thinking about pizza since I mentioned it! Narrator: AND EVERY SINGLE PANEL SINCE THEN HAS MENTIONED A PIZZA INGREDIENT T-Rex (punchline): That too

"Save scumming" is when you keep restoring a saved game so you can get the outcome you want. It'll become a really popular dating technique in about 120 years or so.

T-Rex: One day scientists invent a way to download our brains into robot bodies! T-Rex: This is great news for those of us who are tired of our fleshy, noticeably nonrobotic bodies! T-Rex: And once you convert a brain into data, you can OF COURSE back up and restore that data. So not only do people never die, but they can also be ROLLED BACK, restoring yourself to a previous version if you screw up! Dromiceiomimus: Creepy! T-Rex: Oh, it gets creepier! Because data can also be COPIED, yo! Utahraptor: So you make copies of yourself? T-Rex: Sure. But also? OTHER PEOPLE. T-Rex: You date someone for fifteen years and then break up. No problem! Here's a robot with an old backup of your sweetie. Enjoy another good decade or so! Utahraptor: Eugh. T-Rex: You've creeped yourself out? NO WORRIES! Just restore YOURSELF too. Save scum your own life! Banner: Thanks to robots, love can now technically last forever!! T-Rex: Wait. is "technically" a pun there? Banner (punchline): Technically, yes

once you notice the sun is white, you may start noticing some other unsettling things, such as: a party guest nobody else can recall the next day, a tv commercial that's just static but which everyone else agrees advertised some ill-defined product, 34 straight hours during which all "yellow sun" people on Earth weren't present: you know, the usual

T-Rex: I toss you some crayons and ask you to draw me a picture of a grassy field on a clear day with the sun shining down from above. POP QUIZ, HOTSHOT: which colour crayons do you use? T-Rex: Green, blue, and yellow, right? T-Rex: Only that's crazy! That's COMPLETELY CRAZY. The grass is green and the sky is blue, sure, but the sun isn't YELLOW. It's white. It's like, the DEFINITION of white light. Dromiceiomimus: Oh my god, I was gonna say "yellow". T-Rex: I KNOW, RIGHT? Everyone says yellow, even though the fact that's a lie is LITERALLY as obvious as the sun in the sky! Dromiceiomimus: I am tripping several balls right now, T-Rex!! Utahraptor: Copious balls are being tripped over here too!! T-Rex: You know what's TRIPPIER STILL? T-Rex: NOBODY KNOWS WHY THIS IS SO. Some say it's because wood burns yellow, so like cavemen we believe "strange sky fire ball" is the same colour. Others think it's because the sun IS briefly yellow at sunset - a time FAMOUS for atmospheric distortion of light and colour - and we just assume it's always like that. T-Rex: Personally, I believe that the entire planet thinking the sun isn't white is but a side-effect of an eldritch curse on us all, one which keeps us from remembering something horrible!! Off panel: Huh? What? T-Rex: Oh hah hah T-Rex (punchline): Nevermind!!

there's a scene in the bible where god gives a donkey the power of speech, but, CRITICALLY, there's not one where he takes it away. spinoff bible following the adventures of the only talking donkey in the world wherein she hilariously and accidentally sets into motion all the events we know from the regular bible: y/n/ABSOLUTELY??

T-Rex: God, you're basically like a super hero, right? God: YEAH MAN I GOT ALL THE SUPERPOWERS God: MEGA STRENGTH God: FLIGHT God: LASER VISION God: THE WORKS God: ALSO I CAN MAKE IT SO ANIMALS TALK T-Rex: Say WHAT?! God: YEAH DUDE IN THE BIBLE I'M LIKE "HEY DONKEY YOU CAN TALK NOW THANK ME LATER" God: "OR RIGHT NOW IF YOU WANT SINCE YOU CAN TOTALLY TALK NOW" T-Rex: So - wait. Does the animal develop vocal cords? An inferior frontal gyrus in their brains to handle syntactic processing? God: I'M GONNA SAY God: SURE God: WHY NOT T-Rex: Why don't you do this ALL THE TIME? I'd LOVE to talk to animals! Utahraptor: What's this? T-Rex: Did you know that, CANONICALLY, God can make animals talk whenever he wants? Utahraptor: I thought that dude was supposed to be able to do anything. T-Rex: Yeah, but - talking animals! Why doesn't he do that all the time? We could chat up EVERY ANIMAL EVER. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE: Mosquito: I'm gonna pierce your skin and consume your blood! T-Rex: This was bad enough before you could talk, mosquitos!! Another mosquito: We're using language to hunt in packs and are developing technology T-Rex (punchline): DANG IT

I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of allowing an overweight man to vomit up a perfectly good cheeseburger, and returning those burgers safely into the hands of the underweight.

Narrator: HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT T-Rex: Exercise more, eat fewer foods, and enjoy an active and healthy lifestyle! Narrator: NOW LET'S ASSUME THAT'S ALL BORING AND STUPID T-Rex: Oooh, let's!! T-Rex: What we need is a BETTER way to lose weight. And I'm no scientician, but I'm PRETTY SURE when you cry you're squirting matter out of your face. Matter which, I remind you, according to science MUST HAVE MASS AND THEREFORE WEIGHT HERE ON EARTH?? Dromiceiomimus: You propose we lose weight by genetically altering our bodies so we cry fat instead of water? T-Rex: I was just gonna say we should cry all the time. That's way better!! Utahraptor: But why stop there? Why not sweat grease instead, so hot days make us skinnier AND tastier-smelling? Utahraptor: Why not change our skin cells to be replaced faster, so we'll constantly lose weight by leaving gross dust clouds of dead skin flakes everywhere we go? WHY NOT ALLOW OUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEMS TO OPERATE IN "FULL REVERSE", EXTRACTING NUTRIENTS FROM OUR OWN BODIES SO THAT WE MIGHT VOMIT UP PERFECTLY GOOD CHEESEBURGERS? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Are these questions rhetorical, or are you actually asking me reasons why we shouldn't do this? T-Rex (punchline): Because dude, I am comin' up EMPTY HANDED over here

uh more like number one BEST deathbed regret, today's CHAMPION

T-Rex: ATTENTION EVERYONE: when I die, please erase everything I ever posted on social media! T-Rex: THIS IS MY ONLY DYING WISH. T-Rex: Except for my other dying wish, which'll probably be that I spent less time on social media! T-Rex: And my OTHER dying wish, which'll be "MAN, I wish I wasn't dying right now". Dromiceiomimus: Don't forget "I wish I spent more time at the office! That way I could've been more productive and achieved greater professional success". T-Rex: True! That's an extremely common deathbed regret! Utahraptor: Not to mention "I wish I'd exercised less and eaten fewer vegetables, since it turns out I died anyway, wtf" T-Rex: So true! T-Rex: "I wish my brain could've been copied into a robot body with flamethrower hands". Utahraptor: "I wish death was reversible but only for good people, like me". T-Rex: "I wish the new Star Trek movie didn't establish you can beam to Qo'noS, because starships are now superfluous". T-Rex: "Also, I wish when the badly damaged Enterprise was falling to EARTH HERSELF they explained why nobody planetside tried to beam survivors off, because HELLO, surely EARTH has such resources". Narrator: #1 WORST DEATHBED REGRET: Narrator (punchline): today's winner

august is "romance awareness month" so if you're in the sort of relationship in which a thing called "romance awareness" could somehow help, i have great news

T-Rex: It's August. I love August! EVERYONE loves August! T-Rex: With that in mind, it's time for Narrator: FUN FACTS ABOUT AUGUST Dromiceiomimus: Leo and Virgo are zodiac signs for August! T-Rex: WOOOO! Dromiceiomimus: The Perseid meteor shower usually happens in August! T-Rex: HELL YEAH! Dromiceiomimus: Every atomic bomb used in war was dropped in August! T-Rex: Wh-- T-Rex: ...What? Utahraptor: August is named after Augustus, who despite being a Roman emperor, still died alone... as must we all! T-Rex: What? WHAT? T-Rex: NEITHER OF THESE FACTS ARE WOOWORTHY. I want FUN August facts, not - Utahraptor: If 1000 people died every day in August, 31 thousand people would be dead by the time the month is out! T-Rex: THIS ISN'T EVEN A GOOD AUGUST FACT Off panel: The first communications satellite launched in August! T-Rex: Finally! WOOO! Off panel: Such satellites facilitate ubiquitous corporate and governmental surveillance across the planet. T-Rex (punchline): DAMN IT, AUGUST

that's not true: their bodies may also be purified through deep frying. just be sure not to drink the frying fat afterwards, AND MAY I ADD, what even are your life choices where you're drinking used frying fat anyway

T-Rex: Let's say all vegetables are suddenly super nutritious, so it doesn't matter which one you eat. T-Rex: The catch is you can only eat one vegetable for the rest of your life! T-Rex: What are you gonna eat: carrots? You will be so sick of them. Avocado? Pfft, nice try, but guacamole does get old after a while. Give it some thought and you'll realize the obvious choice here: the potato. Dromiceiomimus: Tired of eating 'em boiled? Bake em! T-Rex: Tired of baked? Fry them! Utahraptor: Tired of fries? ENJOY DELICIOUS CHIPS. T-Rex: Plus, chips can be made to taste like OTHER foods!! Utahraptor: And if I'm SOMEHOW tired of potato soup, salad, au gratin, hashed, chipped, stuffed, roasted, baked, mashed, fried, gnocchi AND latkes? T-Rex: Then enjoy them green, as YOU HAVE GIVEN UP ON LIFE AND ARE NOW ATTEMPTING SUICIDE BY SOLANINE, WHICH CAN BE DANGEROUSLY HIGH IN RAW GREEN POTATOES. Narrator: TOP THREE POTATO SLOGANS: T-Rex: Potatoes: The tasty treat that grows beneath your feet! T-Rex: Potatoes: No matter how you slice 'em, we're delicious! T-Rex (punchline): Potatoes: ONLY THROUGH FIRE MAY OUR BODIES BE PURIFIED

i tried, i really tried, but even after writing this comic i still just really want to eat fried chicken parts

T-Rex: I have patronized a local establishment so often that I'm now a regular! I'm known by name! I can walk in and the woman there will say "the usual, T-Rex?" and I smile and nod like a cool guy!! T-Rex: IT'S JUST AS I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED! Dromiceiomimus: Ooh, that IS impressive! what's your usual order; what kind of place is it? T-Rex: [tiny] ohit'safriedchickenpartsstore Dromiceiomimus: Sorry? T-Rex: IT'S A FRIED CHICKEN PARTS STORE, OKAY? T-Rex: I EAT SO MANY FRIED CHICKEN PARTS THAT I'M KNOWN TO THE FRIED CHICKEN PARTS AUTHORITIES Utahraptor: But fried chicken body parts are delicious, T-Rex! There's no shame in it! T-Rex: Isn't there? T-Rex: I pay people to slice up a chicken and fry its parts SO OFTEN that they know me by NAME. Utahraptor: Yeah, but that's a relationship! The rest of us pay STRANGERS to butcher a chicken corpse, dunking its breaded parts in oil so that we might cram its flesh inside our bodies via our mouths. Off panel: Hey, I don't wanna sound weird, but do you want to go pay your friend money to induce her to give us fried chicken remains, so that we might pull their dead flesh off with our teeth and then swallow it? T-Rex: Dude! T-Rex (punchline): ABSOLUTELY

DAE REMEMBER WHEN PRAYERS WERE *FUN* TO ANSWER

T-Rex: It's history times and you're living in the Greco-Roman world! And just like every other time ever, there are jerks here too. T-Rex: Greco-Roman jerks!! T-Rex: In modern times we'd say "Hey! Screw you too, buddy!!" to curse out these jerks, but the Greco-Romans did not mess around. They carved friggin' CURSE TABLETS. Dromiceiomimus: What'd they say? T-Rex: Oh, just "I lost my gloves and ask that the thief responsible should lose their mind and eyes": the usual! Utahraptor: Both mind AND eyes? T-Rex: And that's just an entry-level curse, dude! T-Rex: You'll read things like, "Lost my ring, may the thief not urinate nor defecate nor speak nor sleep, and may the gods consume their blood, eyes, and every limb, and also torture and kill their horses" and not even bat an eye. Utahraptor: Must've been some ring. T-Rex: It probably wasn't. T-Rex: Although, I do like a thought process that ended with "if an ACTUAL GOD EATS HIS LIMBS, this will solve my problem". God: YEAH THERE'S NOT MUCH CALL FOR THAT ANYMORE T-Rex: And it's a good thing, right? God: I MEAN God (punchline): I GUESS

There once was a man from Updog / Who took a vacation in Prague / He met someone new / Who said "what's up with you?" / And the man was like, "oh I get it now"

T-Rex: I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the updog streets at dawn [no text] T-Rex: Whose woods these are I think I know / His house is in the village though / He will not see me updog here / To watch his woods fill up with snow! Dromiceiomimus: Huh? T-Rex: My little horse must think it queer / To stop without an UPDOG near / Between the woods and frozen lake / The darkest evening of the year?? T-Rex: In Xanadu did Kubla Khan / A stately UPDOG DOME decree?? Utahraptor: ... T-Rex: SHALL I COMPARE THEE TO AN UPDOG DAY? T-Rex: I ATE / THE PLUMS / THAT WERE IN / THE ICEBOX / AND WHICH / YOU WERE PROBABLY / SAVING / FOR BREAKFAST T-Rex: FORGIVE ME / THEY WERE DELICIOUS T-Rex: SO SWEET T-Rex: AND SO UPDOG?? Utahraptor: What's... what's updog? T-Rex: FRIGGIN T-Rex (punchline): FINALLY

THESE MEAT TREES ALLEGATIONS ARE ENTIRELY UNFOUNDED AND ARE NOT AT ALL THE SORT OF THING YOU'D FIND IN PARADISE WHERE TREES GROW DELICIOUS COOKED BACON AND THEN YOU CAN EAT THE DELICIOUS COOKED BACON

T-Rex: Everyone! EVERYONE! I have made a startling discovery! T-Rex: I was carefully reading the BIBLE... T-Rex: [small] 's Wikipedia page T-Rex: ...and I discovered something shocking! You know that apple that Eve eats because she was hungry and also recognized it's unreasonable to respect a law that is itself unreasonable?? Well guess what? THE BIBLE NEVER SAYS WHAT SHE EATS IS AN APPLE! Dromiceiomimus: What is it? T-Rex: Who knows! Some sort of fruit, could be anything! There's definitely no time for details when you're writing a BIBLE! Utahraptor: Plus, this was Eden! LITERAL PARADISE. We don't have to limit ourselves to the fruits we know! T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: You're RIGHT! Maybe it was a doughnut tree. Or POUTINE tree! Utahraptor: Or DELICIOUS MEAT tree! T-Rex: Or a tree where the fruit is just a smaller version of the SAME tree, so you can have INFINITE TREES!! T-Rex (punchline): Wait that's exactly what a regular fruit is, nevermind

please, this isn't amateur hour: you want to be a pro, you do NOT make jokes about lobsters without trying, and failing, to experience the inexpressible qualia of Lobster

T-Rex: There's a joke that says "to the lobsters in the kitchen, the sinking of the Titanic must've seemed like a miracle!" T-Rex: BUT DID IT?? Narrator: JOKEBUSTERS Narrator: featuring t-rex T-Rex: First, the good news: fresh lobster WAS on the Titanic's menu, and the Titanic DID sink. The premise of this joke is sound. Dromiceiomimus: Phew. T-Rex: I agree. However, the lobsters could've had their claws bound or pegged, making survival impossible on the ocean floor. The sinking of the Titanic would not have changed this. Utahraptor: This is a pretty thin miracle so far. T-Rex: Unfortunately, it gets worse. T-Rex: Lobsters live in shallow water, and would be crushed to paste at oceanic depths. Finally, lobsters have a distributed network of ganglia instead of a centralized brain, which means conceiving of a god, let alone one that can conjure miracles, may well be beyond their abilities. T-Rex: Their brains are so different that sensing how they experience the world, comprehending their ineffable LOBSTERNESS: this forever will remain beyond our reach, the nature of our bodies denying any true mutual understanding. T-Rex (punchline): But we do know that this joke is FRIGGIN' BUSTED

is "nobody who loves me ever stops" the saddest sentence i have ever written? it's hard to say, but it DOES remind me of all the people who have loved me and then, as one does, stopped

T-Rex: We've all had relationships that have gone south. But good news: as a man who has been in SEVERAL different relationships that only EVENTUALLY ended, I am absolutely qualified to answer any and all relationship questions!! Narrator: T-REX SOLVES YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS T-Rex: Our first letter comes from Wendy, who writes: "Dear T-Rex, sometimes I worry I'm TOO happy in my many successful and mutually satisfying relationships. Any advice? About me being almost TOO happy and satisfied, I mean?" T-Rex: Wendy: why are you bragging? Dromiceiomimus: Come on, Wendy. The rest of us have problems here. Utahraptor: Next letter? T-Rex: Next letter! T-Rex: Our next letter comes from Wendy, who writes: "Me again! I've never been dumped: everyone loves me forever and that never changes. No question, just wanted to share!" Utahraptor: Wendy!! T-Rex: FRIGGIN' WENDY. Alright, last letter! T-Rex: "Wendy here: people say your breakups are a chance for personal growth, but I've discovered the best growth comes through deep interpersonal relationships that only get better, and more fulfilling, every day you share them." T-Rex: WENDY!! T-Rex (punchline): YOU ARE KILLING ME

just say "your baby is cool and good" and wash your hands of the matter

T-Rex: Depending on when in their lives this happens, the "OH MY GOD" that escapes your lips could be one of deepest sympathy OR terrific excitement! Narrator: SO YOUR FRIENDS ARE GETTING PREGNANT Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Well, here's the new normal: your friends are going to talk about babies for the next several years. Are you interested in babies? If yes, terrific! If no, however, you'd better start learning how to pretend. Dromiceiomimus: Here are some useful expressions to say when confronted with someone's baby! T-Rex: "What a neat baby!" Utahraptor: "This particular baby is definitely distinguishable from other babies!" T-Rex: "If there's one thing this planet needs, it's more of us running around the place!" Utahraptor: "You're a champ at life choices, and this baby you're now responsible for for the next 18 years PROVES it!" Narrator: NEVERMIND, JUST SAY "OH WOW, WHAT A CUTE BABY!!" LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES T-Rex: Yeah definitely - T-Rex (punchline): definitely read to the end of this web card before putting any of this advice into action

seriously though if i hear of any dinosaur comics readers altering universal constants i am gonna be, and i don't say this lightly, MEGACHEEZED

T-Rex: One day everyone woke up to discover that the force holding atomic nuclei together had decreased slightly, from a strength of 0.007 to 0.006. T-Rex: This was very disappointing for a lot of reasons! T-Rex: Not the least of which was the fact that suddenly changing this universal constant irrevocably altered both physics AND chemistry. No elements more complex than hydrogen could form. People's heads fell apart and/or exploded. Life across the entire universe ended in seconds. Dromiceiomimus: A chilling tale, warning us all of the dangers of altering nucleonic binding force constants!! Utahraptor: T-Rex, what the heck are you doing?! T-Rex: Talkin', walkin', little bit of stompin'? Utahraptor: NO, you're revealing our universe's GREATEST WEAKNESS!! Now EVERYONE knows our one vulnerability! T-Rex: Hah! Dude, it's not just ONE. Adjust our gravitational constant and we'll ALL be crushed or fly apart. Utahraptor: STOP REVEALING THE UNIVERSE'S WEAK SPOTS!! Narrator: LATER: ALTERING UNIVERSAL CONSTANTS IS TOO HARD FOR ANYONE TO ACCOMPLISH T-Rex: Phew! Narrator: ...SO FAR. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Whatever, I've had a good run

"laugh along to the lols" may be the worst thing i've ever written, and, god willing, it will be the worst thing i EVER write

T-Rex: When misanthropic old man Chip finally dies of old age, the last thing he expects is to come back as a little devil on his granddaughter's shoulder that only she can see! But his grumpy words of wisdom live on, now that she's got... T-Rex: A CHIP ON HER SHOULDER?? T-Rex: When Facebook holds a competition to find not just the most popular person on their site, but the most popular FAMILY, Gerald and his adult son Steve decide to try to win the million dollar prize. But they soon find out that "going viral" is enough to make you sick! You'll laugh along to the LOLs... on Like Father, Like Son. Utahraptor: These are both worthy competitors, but all will fall before MY entry! T-Rex: Please, proceed! Utahraptor: When Henry Kissinger is blasted back in time and also to Switzerland, the last thing he expects is to fall deeply in love with Wilhelm Gorkeit of Tellikon, better known to history as "William Tell". But he'll find himself doing a lot more than just holding hands... on Kiss And Tell. T-Rex: Alright! Now for the results of the "Who Can Invent The Best New Bible Story" Competition! God: THESE ARE ALL TERRIBLE AND THERE IS NO WINNER T-Rex (punchline): Wow

"THIS looks like a job... for SUPER-" (Clark Kent overhears and starts to get up from his desk, excited) "-seding the course of least resistance we're already on and instead working for sustained positive change at a global level" (Clark Kent sits back down again, sighs)

T-Rex: Rising sea levels were threatening to drown coastal cities: the polar ice caps are melting! T-Rex: Or rather, they WERE, until Superman blew on them with his freeze breath! Dromiceiomimus: Oceanic levels dropped back to normal, and everything was great until we noticed how greenhouse emissions were causing warmer temperatures. The fate of the world again hangs in the balance! T-Rex: Or rather, it DID, until Superman pushed the planet slightly away from the sun, reducing temperatures back to their normal levels! Utahraptor: But moving a planet was akin to creating a global earthquake, causing massive structural collapse. T-Rex: DANG IT! T-Rex: Uh, "Dang it" Superman said, fixing the buildings at super speed before they fell over all the way. Utahraptor: Meanwhile, the hole he'd created by pushing FIVE SEPTILLION KILOGRAMS with his BARE HANDS went all the way to the planet's core, causing it to explode upwards in a huge, terrible volcano. T-Rex: Everyone died as the planet broke apart, and Superman moved to a new planet and told everyone there that his old planet Krypton exploded "for no reason" and that he definitely only got his powers when he showed up here, THE END. T-Rex (punchline): NO MORAL

depending on what you mean by "entropy running in full reverse" i'm not even sure you'd die. maybe you'd just get more and more alive, and also maybe the hot sauce for your eggs scramby might separate out into its component parts, and then maybe your body would too, so more research is needed i guess

T-Rex: Entropy is always increasing! That's how come when you throw a bunch of garbage into a hurricane, a fully-assembled hovercar doesn't pop out the other end. T-Rex: OR DOES IT?? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Nope, definitely doesn't! T-Rex: Anyway, the reason WE'RE here on Earth is that it's powered by the sun, so we have all this energy to create local pockets of order (a.k.a. our rockin' bods) in an otherwise chaotic system (the cold, uncaring universe that will not notice our deaths and shall never grieve us). But... WHAT IF THAT WASN'T THE CASE?? What if the universe had the equivalent of a universe-sun outside it, powering everything, allowing entropy to always DECREASE? T-Rex: Imagine: a universe tending towards ORDER rather than chaos! A utopia where DESTROYING is harder than creating! Utahraptor: Sure! Utahraptor: That sounds great NOW, but wait until you realize scrambled eggs are impossible in your universe, since they'd keep reforming into regular eggs! T-Rex: But I love eggs scramby! Utahraptor: Plus, the dead wouldn't decompose but instead recombine into larger, better organized megacorpses! T-Rex: ...I guess if every aspect of our lives has to be ruled by either entropy or giant corpses striding across the cosmos like GODS, entropy isn't SO bad. T-Rex (punchline): I GUESS.

all previous emoji but with everyone in them wearing those plastic "fake nose with bushy eyebrows and moustache" glasses emoji

T-Rex: There are some good emojis, but there are not yet ALL the good emojis. We need more emojis. We DESERVE more emojis. Our work as a species is not done until we have more emojis! Narrator: THE NEW EMOJIS THE WORLD DESPERATELY NEEDS T-Rex: Robot face emoji, robot face emoji with red eyes and steam shooting out of its ears, and Batman emoji. Dromiceiomimus: Joker emoji. HARLEY QUINN EMOJI. T-Rex: Kid Bruce Wayne lit only by streetlight as he's on his knees surrounded by his dead parents emoji. Dromiceiomimus: Frig, T-Rex. Dromiceiomimus: I'd use that ALL THE TIME Utahraptor: People who aren't in love but are sleeping with each other emoji: one where that's great, one where it's a disaster. T-Rex: Straight-up sex emoji! Utahraptor: Walking past your childhood home at night and seeing a strange family lives there now and wondering how their lives are different than yours emoji. T-Rex: Listening to favourite song too often and now the magic is gone emoji! Off panel: As a teen KNOWING that once you had sex you'd never be bored again because you could always remember all the sex you had, but as an adult coming to the quiet realization that, yes, you can be bored by anything emoji. T-Rex (punchline): Oooh! That last one but with BATMAN instead emoji!!

hah hah hah what a crazy idea, to boil the oceans and reduce the earth's crust to magma for at least a decade!! it's ridiculous. how would anyone even DO that? how precisely would anyone even do that though??

T-Rex: This planet is crazy. I leave out a bowl of spaghetti because I was gonna clean it later and just forgot, which happens all the time to the even most responsible of adults and they should not be made to feel bad about it, and three days later - T-Rex: - there's mold in it! T-Rex: Life's EVERYWHERE, man. I throw down some dirt and plants start growing. I leave some water out and microbes are like "cool, time to poop in this or whatever it is we do". Sterile environments are hard to create and harder to maintain, because life is GAGGING for a chance to get in there and spread all over the place! Utahraptor: You see life as... an infection? T-Rex: You could! One that's OUT OF CONTROL! T-Rex: There's extremophiles that live in acid, in deserts, on the ocean floor, and under Antarctic ice. You know how hard it'd be to wipe ALL life from the planet? It's RIDICULOUS. Super expensive. Utahraptor: This sounds like super villain talk, dude! T-Rex: Hah hah! What a ridiculous allegation! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] THE TIME TO READY THE DOOMSDAY ENGINE HAS ARRIVED

hey. hey. write this down in your protowriting script: "higgs boson are real, and I literally just saved you 13.25 billion dollars"

Narrator: HOW TO MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE FROM HISTORY Narrator: 5 YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Hah hah, you jerks don't even know if the Higgs boson is real or not! Narrator: 55 YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Hah hah, you losers don't have communication satellites, video games, cell phones, OR lasers, plus you haven't even sequenced a single DNA yet! Dromiceiomimus: They also don't have the internet. T-Rex: Oh yeah, that too!! Hah hah hah! T-Rex: LOSERS Narrator: 555 YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Hey, what are toilets that flush like? Utahraptor: Oh wait, sorry, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW. Narrator: 5555 YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Hey, how's the writing coming? Oh sorry, I forgot you're still messing around with PROTOWRITING. Utahraptor: Of which little can be said because we lost most of your documents! T-Rex: Lost... or THREW AWAY, because turns out PROTOWRITING is PROTOBORING?? Narrator: 55,555 YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Hey idiots!! Watch me blow your minds: FARMING, POTTERY, ROPE, and DOGS. T-Rex: ...Listen, I'm sorry I called you guys idiots, you live with mammoths and sabre-tooth tigers; you got enough troubles already. T-Rex (punchline): I'll show myself out, sorry again

As anyone could induce a bad guy's plant to knock it off, there wasn't chaos. And even when criminals neutralized his plant powers, Plant Batman was still Batman, so it worked great. CHECK AND MATE.

T-Rex: One day Batman was like, man, I keep running in circles with these stupid criminals I fight. I need to fight SMARTER, not harder! T-Rex: And he realized the way Poison Ivy got plants to do things for her was pretty smart!! T-Rex: So he duplicated her chemicals and then he could control plants too, and he also got her immunity to all toxins and poisons which was also great. Plant Batman was even more effective at stopping crimes than Regular Batman! Even Alfred was like "Dang, plants would help me be a better butler" and became Plant Alfred, using plants to deliver snacks to Batman in the field. T-Rex: Plant Batman saw how effective Plant Alfred was and open-sourced his chemicals! Utahraptor: Soon all of Gotham could control plants! T-Rex: Plants were soon used to do dangerous industrial work, and farming was now trivial. As plants had become a source of free, sustainable, and ethical labour, they allowed Gotham to enter a sustained period of universal post-scarcity prosperity. Crime was now fought by removing its economic triggers, thanks to plants. T-Rex: And while Earth life - animal AND plant-based - spread out amongst the stars, they never forgot the names of "Poison Ivy" and "Batman". THE END. T-Rex (punchline): P.S.: Superman was like "dang I mostly just punched guys; this works way better, wow"

reality: the "um actually" of places to spend most all of your time in

T-Rex: One day, the land on Earth and the water on Earth got swapped! All ground became ocean, and all ocean became ground! T-Rex: Whoops!! Turns out this was fatal to basically everyone? T-Rex: But there were a few survivors: people in planes and and those on beaches, where the land/water inversion had a minimal effect. Most, however, suddenly found themselves under miles of water while those in boats found themselves freefalling towards what had previously been the ocean floor! T-Rex: It was rough friggin' times for anyone who'd gotten used to being alive! Utahraptor: How did this happen? T-Rex: Quickly! Oh, AND unexpectedly! T-Rex: Switching from a planet of mostly land to a mostly water planet caused mass extinction, and - Utahraptor: Wait, don't you mean "to a mostly-LAND planet"? That's what you get if you flip Earth. T-Rex: No, Utahraptor: this isn't a story. It's HISTORY. OUR world IS the flipped world!! Narrator: LATER, THE FOSSIL RECORD SHOWS PRECISELY ZERO EVIDENCE OF AN EARTH/WATER FLIP: T-Rex: Man! History is the "um actually" of academic disciplines. Off panel: Um, ACTUALLY, I'm pretty sure that's science. T-Rex (punchline): ARGH!!

"USIC" of course standing for "Unified Sequences Invoking C.O.M.P.O.S.I.T.I.O.N."

T-Rex: The "grey goo" nightmare scenario that haunts nanotechnology may be fiction - FOR NOW?? - but there IS a technology that has already escaped our control and is working to reproduce itself indefinitely. T-Rex: I speak, of course, of "music"! T-Rex: Music, or "Musical USIC", was developed thousands of years ago, originally as a way to fill those troublesome, awkward pauses in conversation. However the technology soon mutated, using OUR OWN BODIES to reproduce. Many who have been exposed to music report feeling songs were "stuck in [their] head" and could only be exorcised by singing, whistling, humming, or playing the song in question - which of course allows the infection to spread. Utahraptor: Worse, many of us have been lost to music! T-Rex: Sadly, this is true. T-Rex: Even today, millions of lost souls - already under the influence of music - decide to dedicate their lives towards producing more of it. Utahraptor: Others pay for the privilege of standing around watching others produce music on a stage. This bizarre behaviour is thought "normal". T-Rex: Even Presidents have been seen producing music, and under their oversight music was included on the Voyager spacecraft, spreading the infection out to the cosmos. Earth shall not be forgiven. Narrator (punchline): MUSIC: NOT EVEN ONCE

yes, he's literally just shouting "like if you agree". YOU THINK THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN, AND I SAY TO YOU GET ON BOARD NOW BECAUSE I'M BRINGING IT

Narrator: THE LIFECYCLE OF COOL Narrator: BIRTH: T-Rex: Personally, I think it's cool to say "pooty poot"! Narrator: GROWTH: T-Rex: Wow, EVERYONE thinks it's cool to say "pooty poot"! Narrator: OVERGROWTH: T-Rex: My mom said "pooty poot" to me, and she didn't even use it correctly. Parents are THE WORST at slang! PARTICULARLY at slang that's unfamiliar to them but they make the attempt anyway because they want to reconnect with their children, who were so happy when they were younger but who now seem to be turning into distant, sullen strangers. T-Rex: GOD. Narrator: PRECIPITOUS DECLINE: Utahraptor: My aunt forwarded "Lol, Jesus memes! Funny but respectful!!" and added "pooty poot (;". T-Rex: THE WORST Narrator: IRONY: Utahraptor: And may I just say... "pooty poot"? T-Rex and Utahraptor: Hah hah hah hah! T-Rex: People from three weeks ago were IDIOTS. Narrator: NOSTALGIA COMEBACK: Off panel: Does anyone else remember... POOTY POOT?? T-Rex: OH MY GOD, THAT REMINDS ME OF A MONTH AGO!! LIKE IF YOU AGREE! T-Rex (punchline): SHARE IF YOU WILL NEVER STOP POOTY POOTING

so hey i've been experimenting in letting an ai program write comics for me, let me know if you can notice any differences

T-Rex: We are surrounded by computers, so we should probably know something about them, huh?? Narrator: COMPUTER SCIENCE WITH T-REX T-Rex: Anyway, the deal with computers is that they're better at math than you are, and we all just have to deal with that. But we're still better than computers at a few things, including: hearing a paradox without exploding, understanding this emotion called "love", and getting a TINY bit of water on us and not breaking forever even though it was just a stupid tiny bit of water. Utahraptor: What does the future hold for computer science? T-Rex: I'm glad you asked! T-Rex: Future computers will unravel paradoxes with the same gentle skill they use in unravelling our hearts, and the only water to affect them will be the joyous falling of our tears as we weep in the face of their perfection. Narrator: CONGRATULATIONS Narrator (punchline): "YOU = COMPUTER SCIENCE EXPERT" NOW EVALUATES TO TRUE

sadly, human computers mostly got "calculate this boring number" assignments and very rarely got "if i was james counterstrike and i fired this rpg at this nightorc tell me how many gibs would come out": one of history's true missed opportunities

T-Rex: Okay, we didn't actually learn much about computers last time. Let's do better this time, huh? Narrator: COMPUTER SCIENCE WITH T-REX T-Rex: Computers are useful because they eat electricity instead of animal parts. In olden times computers were made out of people and you had to feed them animal parts, vegetables, and water or else they'd DIE. Dromiceiomimus: Do you mean "made out of people" like a soccer team is, or like soylent green is? T-Rex: USUALLY the former?? Utahraptor: Plus, modern computers are way better than history ones to play first person shooters on. T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: People computers would just sit there doing ray casting by hand for like two hours before saying "okay the wall you were facing has gotten slightly closer". It's the worst. Utahraptor: No WONDER ol' Jim Computer famously wrote "I proposse that Coumpueters be Giant Machinnes that eventullye get Fastte and Cool"! Narrator: CONGRATULATIONS Narrator (punchline): SEVERAL OF THE FACTS PRESENTED HERE ARE TRUE

this is why you should never upload your wallet and/or personal information to a computer and/or teen

T-Rex: Last chance. Listen, I know we all really need to learn about computers before the big exam in an hour, and I'm sorry we've had such bad luck with this so far. Narrator: COMPUTER SCIENCE WITH T-REX T-Rex: Computer crime costs billions of dollars every year! And in retrospect, it totally stands to reason that once we created computers, those computers would of course start getting big into crime. However, due to a loophole in our meat-centric laws, NOT A SINGLE COMPUTER HAS EVER GONE TO JAIL FOR A CRIME! Utahraptor: Is this... the greatest legal loophole of all time?? T-Rex: Most legal scholars agree: YES! T-Rex: And it's why so many teens are good at computers. They all hope to be the first to program their criminal minds into a computer, for she who does so will be above all laws, all punishment, and NO JAIL WILL EVER HOLD HER. Utahraptor: Wow, I'm mega jealous of teens right now!! Narrator: CONGRATULATIONS Narrator: TO THE FUTURE CRIMINAL TEENS WHO ARE READING THIS FROM INSIDE A COMPUTER Narrator (punchline): STEAL ME SOMETHING GOOD PLEASE

judging from my extensive experience with consumer electronics, orbiting around a black hole at nearly the speed of light without dying AND having your stupid computer not crash or reboot or lock up for two hundred years straight are probably about equally hard

T-Rex: Some problems are hard, even for computers, so they take a while to solve because we don't know any better way to solve them. We call these "NP hard" problems, which is short for "No [way!! This problem is] Probably hard" Narrator: COMPUTER SCIENCE WITH T-REX T-Rex: But there is a LIFE HACK you can use to speed up ANY computer, even the crappy one you were going to give your grandmother. First, you start your computer on the problem. Then, you blast off and orbit a black hole at nearly the speed of light! There are many benefits to this, such as undergoing "time dilation", where time for you passes much slower compared to time for your grandmother who got stuck with your crappy laptop! T-Rex: And when you return, guess what? Utahraptor: My calculation will be complete? T-Rex: YES, and done in what to you is MUCH faster than polynomial time. Thanks to TIME DILATION, any computer can be made into a supercomputer!! Utahraptor: But I'd be returning a stranger to an unknown world that went on without me generations ago, where everyone I ever knew is long dead. T-Rex: Yes T-Rex (punchline): As I say, there are many benefits

fine thanks and you

Off panel: Hey, how are you? T-Rex: I'm fine. Narrator: BETTER ANSWERS TO "HEY HOW ARE YOU?" THAN "I'M FINE" Dromiceiomimus: Hey there T-Rex! How are you this fine day? T-Rex: How... AM I? Well, I suppose the way I am is accomplished through chemistry, but precisely HOW remains unknown. Gosh, we're not even sure if it's POSSIBLE for our brains to fully comprehend themselves, as this may by definition require a better, more advanced brain. However, given recent (very exciting) advances in nihilist philosophy, I - Utahraptor: Hey, how are you? T-Rex: A memory from fifteen years ago woke me last night. T-Rex: The emotions I'd felt then were so fresh in my mind that it was as if the years between us were nothing. I lay alone in the darkness, and it was then I knew that no matter how far we go, the past is never a thing we leave behind, but rather a thing we must drag along with us. Utahraptor: Cool, me too Off panel: Hey, how are you? T-Rex: I'm a skeleton wrapped in meat that thinks it's alive!! T-Rex and Off panel (punchline): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i like it on scifi shows where they imagine it's possible for humans and aliens to have sex with each other, like life born on another planet would have parts that fit with our parts and not STABBING SPEARS THAT EMERGE FROM THEIR BODIES AND DON'T EVEN DELIVER ANY SPERM

T-Rex: When some slugs and snails get horny, they try to spear each other with a spear grown inside their own bodies before actually having sex! T-Rex: THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT A METAPHOR. T-Rex: It's called a "love dart" and they literally grow it inside their own bodies. Scientists were like, "oh, it delivers sperm" - but NOPE. Then they were like, "oh it's a... gift? Of... calcium?" but NOPE. Turns out the dart - that sometimes GOES STRAIGHT THROUGH THEIR HEADS TO STICK OUT THE OTHER SIDE - has mucus on it, and that helps sperm survive. Dromiceiomimus: Like we needed sex to be EVEN WEIRDER. T-Rex: I know!! Utahraptor: Do they fire them like arrows? T-Rex: It's more of a... straight-up stabbing? T-Rex: But here's the thing: snails that do this are NATIVE TO GREECE: the same place CUPID comes from! It's entirely possible we imagined Cupid up after watching these snails stab each other right before boning. And that's how one of our oldest and most central love metaphors is based entirely on horny snails. Banner: Sex is weird Banner (punchline): And bodies are gross

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU CAN NOW TALK TO PEOPLE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW FOR A LITTLE BIT LONGER!! THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT A WASTE OF TIME

T-Rex: Many of us don't like talking to strangers, probably because it's the worst! But "society" decided doing that is fun or cool or whatever. Narrator: HOW TO SUCCEED AT SMALL TALK T-Rex: Small talk is the timeless, beautiful art of talking to someone you've never met and will likely never meet again for a few minutes so you won't seem weird. But the good news is this: your partner is either a) one of those people who likes small talk and can therefore carry you along with them (these are called "extroverts" and this is their only use), or b) as desperate and terrified as you are! Utahraptor: So what are your tips for small talk? T-Rex: Ask questions, and when answering, ADD DETAILS. T-Rex: Details increase the chance your partner - GOD WILLING - will find something interesting about you. This lengthens the conversation. Once you have spoken for five minutes, say "Great chatting with you, [PERSON'S NAME IF YOU STILL REMEMBER IT, YOU WON'T], but I've got to go." Narrator: CONCLUSION: T-Rex (punchline): Any friend you make through small talk is suspect, for you will always wonder if they actually like you, or if they've just hung out for years because they do not know how to extricate themselves from the conversation.

He also never ever throws up. He's so great.

Image description: The comic has images with feathered dinosaurs dressed as stereotypical scientists, otherwise following the standard template T-Rex: MICE! THEY ARE THE MOST STUDIED ANIMAL IN OUR TIME. THEIR GENOME WAS SEQUENCED BEFORE OURS WAS, AND NO OTHER ANIMAL HAS UNDERGONE SO MUCH GENETIC EXPERIMENTATION! Narrator: MICE: SCIENCE'S BFFS T-Rex: THE FACT IS, IF PETER PARKER WAS GOING TO GO TO A SCIENCE DEMONSTRATION AND GET BIT BY A RADIOACTIVE ANYTHING, IT WOULDN'T BE A SPIDER: IT WOULD BE A MOUSE. T-Rex: HE WOULDN'T TURN INTO SPIDER-MAN. HE'D TURN INTO MOUSE-MAN. T-Rex: THE ONLY QUESTION IS... T-Rex: WHAT WOULD HIS POWERS BE? Utahraptor: WELL, IF HE'S LIKE THE MOUSE, HE'S EXCELLENT AT TEACHING US ABOUT OUR OWN BODIES! T-Rex: SO, A PROFESSOR. Utahraptor: AND HE'D ALSO BE GOOD AT SOLVING PUZZLES BECAUSE HE'D ALWAYS GET TO EACH CHEESE AFTER. T-Rex: A QUIRKY PROFESSOR. Utahraptor: AND HE'S BREATHE QUICKLY. T-Rex: A QUIRKY, NERVOUS PROFESSOR. Utahraptor: AND HE'D BE SO GOOD AT LICKING HIMSELF THAT HE'D NEVER HAVE TO TAKE A BATH. T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR! Off panel: YES? T-Rex (punchline): UM, NEVER HAVE I WANTED TO READ ABOUT A FICTIONAL CHARACTER'S ADVENTURES SO BADLY UNTIL THIS VERY MOMENT??

sorry for calling prose "baby books", prose writers. i look forward to your thousand tear-stained words on the matter

Image description: The comic is close to the standard template, but it replaces the dinosaurs with other animals: a cat, a bird, and a giant mouse. The stuff that T-Rex usually stomps on is also replaced by mice. Cat: Tired of BABY BOOKS where all you read are words? Looking for something a LITTLE more advanced than books where there's only one single picture, and it's already on the cover? May I be so bold as to suggest... Cat: COMICS?? Bird: But I've heard rumours that consuming words AND pictures at the same time is far too challenging for all but the greatest professional readers at the peak of their careers! Cat: Incredibly, while comics DO pair the finest literary imagery with the finest LITERAL imagery in a blend of prose and pictures so perfect that even the most dour sommeliers weep tears of joy when first exposed to the transcendent brilliance of the medium, comics are also very accessible! Giant Mouse: But what if I like novels where you just read WORD after WORD after WORD for hundreds of pages straight? Cat: Sure! Cat: But imagine that fun, but with IMAGES woven into its DNA. Imagine work by an author who knows a picture is worth a thousand words, but who doesn't then turn around and WRITE THOSE THOUSAND WORDS INSTEAD. Imagine books finally reaching their final, peak form. Imagine COMICS. Giant Mouse: I am, and it's - It's SO beautiful. Banner: COMICS: THE BEST WRITTEN MEDIUM EVER Off panel: Also, sometimes they have punchlines at the end! Giant Mouse: But not always? Off panel: Hah hah hah!! Off panel (punchline): NOPE.

free nights where you wake up at 3am obsessively going over all those free regrets you got, for even in your own mind you will find no escape

Image description: The comic very loosely follows the standard template, but there are still six panels with dinosaurs in them Title: Things You Can Get For Free Narrator: 1.) FREE ADVICE Stranger: Hello! Stranger: I'm a stranger with unsolicited opinions on how you should live your life. T-Rex: OH WOW T-Rex: THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT AND NOT AWFUL AT ALL!! Narrator: 2.) FREE DISEASES God: THERE NOW YOU HAVE A COLD. T-Rex: Aw Man!! Narrator: 3.) FREE REGRETS T-Rex: The waiter said "enjoy your meal" and I said "you too!" Dromiceiomimus: ... Oh my gosh. I'm SO sorry. T-Rex: I'm leaving town and starting over. It's my only option left. Dromiceiomimus: Goodbye my friend, and good luck in your new identity. T-Rex: You too! T-Rex: AW. DAMN IT!! Narrator: 4.) FREE SPAM EMAILS Utahraptor: Remember when computers were fun? T-Rex: Nope. Narrator: 5.) FREE COMICS CONVENTION T-Rex: Hey, this one actually sounds terrific! I'd love to go to one. Utahraptor (punchline): Even for people who aren't comics fans, it's a great way to explore the medium in a low pressure, fun environment!

I didn't truly understand jocks until the day I realized that wearing your favourite team's jersey... is really just entry-level cosplay

T-Rex: "The final score was [number] with a [stunning|surprising|honestly kind of expected] [upset|turnaround|nice bit of sports] in the [1st|2nd|etc] [inning|round|whatever]." I was gonna say you could write a program to do sports reporting, but guess what? T-Rex: I'M ALREADY ON IT, JERKS! Dromiceiomimus: Sure, computers might be able to write score summaries, but post-game interviews still take fleshy mortals! What we need is an AI to report on THOSE. T-Rex: Pfft. It's not that hard, yo! When their team wins, coaches ALWAYS attribute it to a good hustle. When they lose, coaches say there were definitely some good hustles out there, but you can't win 'em all. DONE. Utahraptor: Is this like in movies, where the nerd realizes snooker is just applied geometry and then is suddenly great at pool? T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: Utahraptor, once I realized sports is just a computational challenge waiting to be solved, I've been watching 'em on the regular to tweak my algorithm! But it hasn't stopped there! I even want to... DO a sport?? Utahraptor: No way! T-Rex: I woke up the other day and realized I want to earn... SPORTS POINTS?? T-Rex: My nerdy interest in computer science has enabled me to EMULATE being a regular person!! Off panel: You're saying - T-Rex: YES. T-Rex (punchline): THE HOLY GRAIL OF COMPUTER SCIENCE HAS BEEN ACHIEVED

my friend has made a fantasy soccer team and she chose her team members based solely on their sheer hunkiness, and so far her team is SOUNDLY beating my other friend's team

T-Rex: Here's a brain teaser for your face! AND for your brain inside your face! T-Rex: Who would win in an all-guys game of soccer baseball: T-Rex: A team of soccer players, or a team of baseball players? Dromiceiomimus: Soccer baseball isn't a real sport, dude. T-Rex: YES IT IS. It's like baseball, but with a soccer ball! It combines the thrill of running around bases with the similar-but-distinct thrill of a kicking a soccer ball! Dromiceiomimus: Then I guess I'd give it to the soccer players? T-Rex: See, I'm not so sure! T-Rex: Baseball players know the rules of baseball, which is an advantage since the game is basically "funner baseball". Utahraptor: True! Utahraptor: But soccer players have people in their lives who say "your fit, beautiful body looks great in this", while baseball players APPARENTLY only have mullet salesmen who whisper DAMNED, DIRTY LIES in their ears while they sleep. T-Rex: I thought we were deciding who would win the game, not who is the sexiest?? Off panel: Oh man, I'm sorry! Off panel (punchline): I always forget the TRAGICALLY LIMITED WAY in which straight guys experience professional athletics!!

look, all i'm saying is, how do we know pavement ISN'T a food

T-Rex: There are a bunch of foods we eat that do not look like a food! Examples include oh I don't know... T-Rex: LOBSTERS?? T-Rex: Mussels look gross too, and truffle fungus is delicious but looks like, and in fact literally IS, a fungus. How did we start eating these things? Dromiceiomimus: Someone in history times looked at them and thought, "eh, worth a shot"? T-Rex: Yes! We didn't have SCIENCE to tell us what was good and bad. We just went around gobbling whatever! Utahraptor: I admire the whole "You know what? SCREW IT, I'ma eat this and see what happens" attitude. T-Rex: Me too!! T-Rex: To be the man who sees something unfamiliar, who stares mystery in the face for a long moment before announcing "I'm gonna eat that"... I wanna BE him, you know? Utahraptor: I want to DATE him. T-Rex: I... kinda do too?? Narrator: T-REX'S SEXUALITY: Narrator: [ ]Gay Narrator: [ ]Bi Narrator: [ ]Straight Narrator: [ ]It's complicated Narrator (punchline): [x]If you turn new things into a food, uh, gimme a call??

there are a lot of stakeholders in my photographs of the cheese sandwiches i eat for lunch, and i refuse to let them down

T-Rex: I have to say it? You're really going to make me say it? T-Rex: Because I'll say it!! T-Rex: EVERYONE, we are producing WAY too much culture! T-Rex: We all know nobody can read all the books being printed. Throw on top of that all movies, websites, people posting on social media, and it's like - who are y'all producing all this culture for? Seriously. Who? T-Rex: It's not me! I'm not reading all y'alls Twitter!! T-Rex: I'M JUST SCROLLING ON BY Utahraptor: You know how peeps used to study medieval history and then they'd be an expert on medieval history? T-Rex: Sure! Utahraptor: Well THAT worked because we forgot most of what happened then! But with everything recorded forever now (THANKS, FACEBOOK AND THE NSA) we have enough data for expertise in SINGLE DAYS. Questions about October 26th 2015 will be answered by the dude with a PhD in Applied and Theoretical October 26th 2015 Studies! T-Rex: ...I guess I'd better make today count then, huh? I wouldn't want to let down that future scholar! Or Facebook. Or the NSA. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): It's nice to be loved

certain kinds of death can be temporarily postponed with our cereal, and we are willing to sell some of it

Narrator: NERDS: T-Rex: The 2000kcal recommended diet includes 6μg daily of cobalamine vitamin B12; a serving of our cereal meets 23% of that standard, which rises to 33% when 250ml of skimmed milk is added. Narrator: HOW TO ADVERTISE CEREAL Narrator: SEXY: Dromiceiomimus: Your man woke up hungry? NOT A PROBLEM. Just grab our cereal and watch him swallow what he craves: a nonhomogeneous slurry of room-temperature cereal and animal lactates. T-Rex: ...You find that sexy? Dromiceiomimus: ...You DON'T? Narrator: EXISTENTIALIST: T-Rex: Life feeds on life. Utahraptor: We've done the reaping for you™. Narrator: LIFESTYLE: Utahraptor: Look at this celebrity you love eating our cereal! They seem pretty put-together, right? Their problems are better than your problems. They never cry in the shower. T-Rex: Maybe it's the cereal. Narrator: ESSENTIALIST: T-Rex: You have to eat food or you'll die. If you eat this food, then you won't die from not eating a food, at least for a little while. Off panel (punchline): SOLD

FUN FACT: i wrote this comic FULLY SIX YEARS AGO, a month before hallowe'en, but then forgot to put it up for hallowe'en. and then EVERY YEAR i'd remember it in like, april, but then forget again come october. anyway yes, hello, my name is ryan and i am a professional comic writer guy

T-Rex: I think the hardest job must be the job of Hallowe'en puns. They've all been done! You're never going to come up with anything new. T-Rex: Land of the free, home of the GRAVE? Done! T-Rex: Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only FRIGHT can do that? Done! Dromiceiomimus: Well, these aren't really puns so much as they're substituting a phoneme with another word that's vaguely terror related. Instead of horizons, GOREizons. Instead of computer science, com-BOO-ter CRY-ence. T-Rex: Combooter cryence sounds like it's for crybabies. I like it, but it sounds like it's for crybabies. Narrator: THE END Narrator: BONUS COMIC Utahraptor: Why do ghosts like mines? T-Rex: I don't know! T-Rex: Why DO ghosts like mines? Utahraptor: Because there are 30 ghosts for every alive person and the ghost world is desperately overpopulated. Narrator: I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS BONUS COMIC Off panel (punchline): Mines open up precious new territory for them to expand into!

seriously, slap LITERALLY ANY FLAVOUR on some chips, put those chips in a bag, and write "CHIPS FLAVOURED LIKE OUR BEST GUESS AT WHAT DINOSAUR FLESH TASTES LIKE" on the outside of that bag, and this is how many bags of chips you will sell: every single one, holy crap. my mouth is READY

T-Rex: We, as a people, write stories EVERY DAY where crazy, impossible things happen. We don't let reality constrain us ONE FRIGGIN' BIT. And that's great! But then when it comes to CHIP FLAVOURS suddenly we're all, T-Rex: "Waah, I'm a big baby who can't handle things that don't literally already exist!" T-Rex: We should be inventing NEW flavours! I can get "salt and vinegar" here in reality, which I REMIND YOU is already lousy with both salt AND vinegar. I CAN MAKE THAT FLAVOUR MYSELF. Give me BLACK HOLE flavoured chips. Dromiceiomimus: Sadness flavoured chips! T-Rex: Space alien flavoured chips!! Utahraptor: What does a black hole taste like? T-Rex: Dunno, I guess I'd better buy these chips to find out! T-Rex: That is what literally everyone who sees them will say, OUT LOUD. We've built a civilization that can alter the basic building blocks of FLAVOUR HERSELF, and like CHUMPS we're using it to reproduce things we can already eat. Frig, no wonder extrasolar civilizations haven't contacted us yet! Off panel: You're arguing to get alien races to contact us, we should produce POTATO CHIPS that taste like what we imagine EATING THEIR BODIES IS LIKE. T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor, bad news! I know you're trying to make my idea sound stupid but it still sounds awesome and has literally zero downsides!!

vegetables: the "nice body, shame if anything happened to it" of the food world?? this unsourced talking dinosaur webcomic says: yeah, probably

T-Rex: Hey, I have some surprising news! Supertasters are a real thing! T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: I ALSO thought they were just trying to get out of eating their kale! T-Rex: But it turns out there's a gene called "TAS2R38", which sounds like an uncool name for a gene until you realize it kinda spells "taser38", and this gene is associated with tasting "propylthiouracil", which ITSELF sounds like an uncool name for a chemical until you realize it's shortened to "PROP", as in the massive props the cool people of the world dish out and, in turn, crave from others! Utahraptor: So supertasters taste stuff the rest of us don't? T-Rex: And 5% of us show this GENETIC MUTATION. T-Rex: But it's not, like, a PERK. Fewer foods taste good, more taste gross, and they're at higher risk of COLON CANCER because they don't eat enough veggies. That's right. Apparently not eating enough vegetables can help you get LITERAL CANCER. T-Rex and Utahraptor: AHHHHHHHH Narrator (punchline): VEGETABLES: HEY, SCREW YOU TOO BUDDY

clayface represents batman's desire to have a clay face. look, it's not rocket science here.

T-Rex: One day Batman was looking out for crime on a rooftop in Gotham City while also brooding when he realized, "wait a second, my enemies each reflect some element of myself!" T-Rex: "For example," he brooded dramatically, "Two-Face reflects my OWN dual identity!" T-Rex: "And Joker's chaos is an inverse reflection of your desire for control," Robin added. Batman nodded. "Catwoman," Batman said, "enjoys the thrill of dressing up and breaking the law; Scarecrow seeks to terrify his enemies; Mr. Freeze claims to be dead to all emotions, which gives him focus. All such descriptions could be seen as aspects of myself." T-Rex: "I'm surprised I didn't deduce this sooner", Batman added. T-Rex: "My enemies are great for drama but suboptimal for me to stop crime with," Batman realized. Utahraptor: So what'd he do? T-Rex: Oh, he swapped enemies with Superman. Supes was able to round up Batman's enemies quickly, and Batman made quick work of all Superman's enemies too. They'd prepared for a strong alien vulnerable to Kryptonite and not a smart human who didn't care about tiny green rocks. Crime was over, the end! T-Rex (punchline): I call my tale, "Poison Ivy Reflects Batman's Desire To Garden A Little More And Also Mind-Control People So They Kiss Him, And He Is A Little Scared Of How That Makes Him Feel".

"are these friends... dogs?" is a question that is rarely asked, and that is extremely unfortunate

Narrator: HOW TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS AS AN ADULT T-Rex: Are you an adult? Hah hah hah hah hah!! T-Rex: SUCKER T-Rex: Anyway, you've probably noticed that it's hard to make friends now that you're LITERALLY OLD. You're so busy with JOBS and RESPONSIBILITIES and THAT BABY OR BABIES YOU THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE that you barely have time for existing friendships, much less making new ones! You have to SCHEDULE hang-outs with your current friends! T-Rex: Who DOES that? Utahraptor: Adults do that! T-Rex: Friggin' adults, man! T-Rex: In any case, the key to new friends is casual social contact, so join a club or whatever. And if clubs are too much, join a mailing list! I've made several friends on my mailing list about dogs! Utahraptor: Are these friends... dogs? T-Rex: NO, they're not DOGS! OBVIOUSLY!! Narrator: BUT SECRETLY... T-Rex: Utahraptor must never know I've been making friends with dog owners purely to gain access to the friendship of their dogs! T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor must never know I HAVE NO REGRETS

in ethics this is known as "the trolley problem" and i'm actually the very first to propose that "the fat man" might be a giant baby. we are at the bleeding edge of ethics here. YOU'RE WELCOME.

T-Rex: POP QUIZ, HOTSHOT: there's an out of control train! If it goes straight, it'll run over five people! But you can redirect it so it only hits one person instead. WHAT DO YOU DO?? T-Rex: I mean, obviously redirect the train, right? T-Rex: But now what if INSTEAD you're on a bridge, and the only way to redirect the train is to PUSH THAT ONE DUDE OVER THE BRIDGE to his CERTAIN DEATH?? Dromiceiomimus: Eugh, that's way harder. Can I jump off the bridge myself, dying a hero? T-Rex: NOPE. He's really chubby so only his GIANT BODY will do the trick. Also, this is a real problem ethicists write about and they have made his monumental corpulence CRITICAL. T-Rex: But... what if Chubby Dude is the one who messed with the train's brakes? Utahraptor: Push him! Dude deserves it!! T-Rex: But what if the Chubby Man only messed with the brakes because he was trying to REPAIR them and he sucks?? Utahraptor: I guess - still push him? But feel worse about it? T-Rex: What if he sucks because he is a LITERAL BABY?? Are you going to KILL A BABY, Utahraptor?? Off panel: ...Ethicists really worry about this situation? T-Rex: Dude, it's their JOB to argue all day about whether throwing fat incompetent babies off bridges to save five people is ethical! Narrator (punchline): "GOOD WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT"

only NERDS know that "dickens" is a minced oath for devils. COOL DUDES think it's about an author guy from the 1800s because they know NOTHING is cooler than the canonized classics of western literature

T-Rex: English has been blessed by many ways to say "I say, that is a thing that is hot". But sometimes it can be hard to remember where each expression ranks in terms of relative hotness! But check it out: Narrator: HOT METAPHORS Narrator: as arranged by increasing hotness T-Rex: At the cold end of the scale we find "hot as the Dickens", because Charles Dickens was a real guy who is dead now, so he is a skeleton man. Skeletons are the temperature of the ground, which is cold and boring. Let's say... 10 degrees celsius, 283 Kelvin. Dromiceiomimus: I thought "dickens" was a minced oath meaning "devil"? T-Rex: UH, NOT ANYMORE T-Rex: Next is "hot as fish grease": 463 Kelvin, or 1.5 boring grounds stacked together. Utahraptor: Pretty hot! T-Rex: Then we have "hot as hell", which being at the centre of the Earth is around 6200 Kelvin, or 13 fish greases. This is followed by "hot as the sun": 15 million Kelvin, which Science dictates is about 2400 hells, 32 thousand fish greases, or 53 thousand skeletons. T-Rex: Finally, we have the hottest thing: balls. If you have ever tripped balls, you know how hot they can be. T-Rex (punchline): They can be hot as balls.

poison ivy is now the most competent person in the comic, and i see no downsides to that

T-Rex: One day Poison Ivy was like, what the hell, why am I not the star of the comic? I am a woman who can control plants. I have ACTUAL SUPERPOWERS. T-Rex: Then she controlled plants to make trees cover the Arctic! T-Rex: She was like, there, that's climate changed solved. Trees trap carbon and expel delicious oxygen. DONE. Then she brushed off her hands and was like, anything else? I got a few minutes before lunch. T-Rex: Finally someone else was like "Hey Ivy, what about the Great Pacific Garbage Patch?" Utahraptor: Then she used algae to grab all the floating plastics and microplastics? T-Rex: You know it! T-Rex: Kelp piled on too, making the plastic sink to the ocean floor and right into a subduction plate, where it was drawn into the Earth's mantle and harmlessly destroyed. Utahraptor: Where was Batman during all this? T-Rex: While Ivy was giving everyone on Earth a second chance, Batman was punching a murder clown. Narrator: THE END Narrator (punchline): P.S.: POISON IVY LATER MADE PLANTS THAT GROW CURES FOR CANCER

facebook simulator would like to know who you hang out with. facebook simulator wants to know what their relationship is to you. facebook simulator wants to know where you'll be tomorrow night. and did you like last night? facebook simulator wants to know if you liked last night.

Narrator: ~~FACEBOOK SIMULATOR~~ a comic to use when facebook is down 1) aim directly at face 2) read using eyes and brain 3) enjoy T-Rex: Let's see what's new on Facebook! T-Rex: Oh wow! Turns out some of your Facebook friends DO find minor annoyances annoying! T-Rex: Next up there's a sponsored post that says you won't believe what's blowing up Kickstarter. You'll easily believe it though; it's just a weird belt or something. Moving along. Ooh, look: another friend posted pictures of their baby even though literally everyone she knows has already seen that baby! Dromiceiomimus: Eugh. Better like it or I'll get a text asking why I didn't like her post. T-Rex: Now another friend is posting lyrics from angry break up songs! Utahraptor: Let's like that too! T-Rex: Bold choice. Here's a friend crossposting from Twitter, so all these @ tags don't work. Utahraptor: Like! T-Rex: Your aunt pasted 15 paragraphs and says "only 4% of Facebook will be brave enough to share this." Utahraptor: Like AND share! T-Rex: Oh no! Upon inspection it was actually a racist screed that relies on made-up quotes and statistics! Narrator: AT THIS POINT YOU SHOULD FEEL LIKE YOU'D LIKE TO CLOSE FACEBOOK Narrator (punchline): THIS CONCLUDES FACEBOOK SIMULATOR

at present i have no plans to make an eight-issue miniseries out of this story like i did with "the midas flesh" but, on the other hand... WHAT IF I DID??

T-Rex: Even in olden times, stories got terrible sequels! This myth is ACTUAL FOLLOWUP to the famous "King Midas Messes Up His 'Everything I Touch Turns To Gold' Wish, And How". Narrator: KING MIDAS 2: YOUR ASS IS GRASS Narrator: it is horrible T-Rex: So after Midas got over his gold thing, he started chilling with Pan, of "pan flute" fame. And one day Pan and the god Apollo had a battle of the bands! Midas claimed Pan won, but Pan played a crappy 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' rendition on his dinky flute, and Apollo was like, "Dude, I ROCKED 'Chopin's Impromptu No. 4' on my lyre." T-Rex: "The lyre is that weird U-shaped harp you're probably thinking of," Apollo added. T-Rex: Midas still claimed Pan won, so Apollo cursed him with ass's ears! Utahraptor: Which are donkey ears if you're not rude! T-Rex: Midas used his crown to cover them, but his barber obviously found out and had to tell SOMEONE. So he dug a hole and whispered "King Midas has ass's ears!" into it, as one does. Then grass sprang up, whispering the same phrase to passers-by! Utahraptor: When Midas found out everyone knew, he died of embarrassment. T-Rex: The failure of Midas 2 ensured there would be no Midas 3, which was a planned prequel wherein Young Midas wished everything he touched turned to ears. T-Rex (punchline): THE END.

reminder that this is dinosaur times, so this was a half bull half DINOSAUR guy. this might seem familiar to you: that is because you've already imagined this years ago, when you once tried to imagine "the best possible form of minotaur".

T-Rex: One day a lady named Pasiphae gave birth to a creature with the head of a bull on the body of a guy, which she named "The Minotaur". First name "The", last name "Minotaur", I guess. Narrator: THE MINOTAUR T-Rex: It turned out her son liked to eat PEOPLE which was disappointing for a lot of reasons, not the least of which was that neither bulls nor guys typically ate people. Dromiceiomimus: How'd she get pregnant in the first place? T-Rex: Oh, she fell in love with a bull and so hid inside a fake hollow bull in order to have sex with the bull. Dromiceiomimus: Of course!! Dromiceiomimus: Then she built a maze and put him inside it, yeah? T-Rex: Yes! And every 9 years, 7 maidens and 7 bachelors were sacrificed to him. Utahraptor: He can live 9 YEARS off of 14 dudes? T-Rex: The Minotaur was a new, greater form of life with a monstrously efficient digestive system, soon studied by scientists. The secret of his reduced calorie diet was isolated and used to end world hunger. And the Minotaur still ate people but was now, quite sensibly, fed the donated bodies of already-dead volunteers. T-Rex: Everyone lived happily ever after, except the person who instituted the "let's feed him living maidens" program, who was fired and later prosecuted. T-Rex (punchline): THE END.

here lies pan, who died from Too Much Horny / missed by his friends and family / not so horny now

T-Rex: Concluding Myth Week, we have the story of Pan, Midas's Friend Who Wasn't The Best At Music! You might remember him as "Flute Guy"? Anyway, this is his very last story. This the story of the DEATH of a GOD. This is... Narrator: THE DEATH OF PAN. T-Rex: One day, Pan died. Later on, this dude Thamus drove around in a boat telling everyone about it. T-Rex: THE END. Utahraptor: ...That's it? T-Rex: That's LITERALLY THE WHOLE STORY. T-Rex: It doesn't even say HOW he died. Was it old age? Did he turn into a swarm of tinier Pans but then they all got eaten by birds? ALL ARE EQUALLY POSSIBLE IN THE GREEK MYTHS. Utahraptor: Pan could split into tiny Pans? I thought he was the horny god who liked sex. T-Rex: He could be both horny AND tiny. T-Rex: Anyway, as the particulars of Pan's death have never been revealed, it's wide open for any author to write his official ending! AND I HAVE DONE SO. T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex (punchline): It's the horny one

BITCOIN ME $45 FOR MY CONTINUED SILENCE ON THIS MATTER

T-Rex: It sure is a pain that we can buy clothes to obscure the raw, naked facts of every body part EXCEPT the top of our heads. T-Rex: Unless...! Narrator: A SCENE FROM THE UNIVERSE WHERE HATS DIDN'T GET INVENTED UNTIL JUST NOW T-Rex: I call them "H.A.T.s", Dromiceiomimus, short for "Head Armour Technology"! They not only protect you from the ACTUAL RADIATION spewing out of the sun, but some can be "hardened" to protect from even a falling hammer! I call them, "Hard H.A.T.s". Dromiceiomimus: Why aren't you wearing a "H.A.T."? T-Rex: The wind blew it away. Listen: I'm working on it. Utahraptor: Are H.A.T.s mandatory? I like showing off my headmeats. T-Rex: Not at all! T-Rex: While H.A.T.s CAN be used to communicate status, occupation, rank, the weather, or the fact that you're a fancy person watching a fancy horse race, they're fully optional. Just like... all other clothes?? Utahraptor: WOOOO!! Utahraptor and T-Rex: PARTY NAKED FOREVER!! Narrator: YOU ARE NOW UNCOMFORTABLY AWARE YOU'RE READING A COMIC ABOUT NAKED DINOSAURS Narrator: WOW Narrator (punchline): HOPE YOU'RE NOT AT WORK, PERVO

Opportunity cost is the only part of economics that got personified. Opportunity cost can now be CUT OUT and KILLED

T-Rex: Oh no!! A mad professor has turned economics, which even ECONOMISTS know is the most dismal of sciences, into a real person! And now she's following me around! Off panel: [small] Love is transactional at the chemical level, and likely others T-Rex: Nooooo Off panel: [small] That pumpkin you carved at Hallowe'en and put outside until it rotted could've been donated as food, but instead you chose to put your pleasure above the starvation of others T-Rex: Friggin' economics. You know what I love about EVERY OTHER SCIENCE, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: How none of them are economics? T-Rex: AMONG MANY OTHER THINGS, yes. Off panel: [small] Every hour you spend making love costs you the wage you could've produced by selling your labour on a job site T-Rex: Oh no, you've got one too? Utahraptor: YEP. Off panel: [small] Talking to this friend costs you the opportunity to talk to other friends, who might be having better conversations right now Off panel: [small] Your perfect life, which you are not living, robs the world of a better you, who would be a more valuable person T-Rex and Utahraptor: *sigh* Off panel: [small] All relationships can be reduced to trade in which one party tries to profit more than the other, and all people can be reduced to selfish economic actors looking to maximize returns T-Rex (punchline): EXCUSE ME, WE ALREADY SAID *SIGH*

the Italian Racisms in the rest of Europe weren't about them being "stupid babies", it was about them being LESS MANLY MEN because they didn't eat their messy pasta dishes with their BARE HANDS. europe, ladies and gentlemen.

Narrator: FORK FACTS Narrator: now with executive summary! T-Rex: We eat many meals with forks today because we're like, "wow, this is way easier than getting spaghetti sauce all over my hands, face, clothing, and/or naked chest"! T-Rex: We were, sadly, not ALWAYS so smart! T-Rex: Personal "I'ma eat my food with this" forks showed up around the 4th century in Byzantine Empire, which was very exciting for people who liked clean hands. Then it took us literally FIVE HUNDRED YEARS for them to catch on in the Middle East, and another hundred or so until they arrived in Italy. In 11th century Italy, forks were a big forkin' deal! Utahraptor: You HAD to go for the "forkin'" pun. T-Rex: I... forkgot not to?? T-Rex: But here's the crazy part: forks still took HUNDREDS of years to reach Europe. They made sense in Italy because of pasta, but the rest of Europe was like "wow, forks are for stupid babies", due to their Italian Racisms! So they just DID WITHOUT. Utahraptor: Friggin' Europe. T-Rex: Right?! Narrator: EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Narrator: - forks: good thing to eat a food with Narrator: - you CAN eat spaghetti naked Narrator: - Europe: racisms?? Narrator (punchline): - forks not actually recommended for stupid babies

how come spiderman gets all the powers of a spider but catwoman doesn't have all the powers of a catwo

T-Rex: One day Batman was in the Batcave and was like, "Man, The Riddler's real name LITERALLY is 'Edward Nigma'. E. Nigma. And Mr. Freeze is ACTUALLY a guy named 'Mr. Fries'". T-Rex: "He pronounces it like 'Freeze', OBVIOUSLY", he added! T-Rex: "Harley Quinn," he continued, "sounds like 'harlequin' which matches her clown theme, but is based on her ACTUALLY GIVEN AT BIRTH real name, 'Harleen Quinzel'." He sighed. "After a certain number of these - " he brooded, then stopped, suddenly fully alert at his bat computer. T-Rex: "No," he whispered. "It couldn't be that easy." Utahraptor: What'd Batman do then? T-Rex: He started looking up names based on other bad guys! T-Rex: He never knew Bane's real identity, but after finding a beefed-up wrestler in Gotham named "Bay Aynne", he started to figure it out. Before you knew it, "Clayton F. Ace", "Kell R. Kroc", and "Cal Enderman" were all in jail. Crime was done, the end! T-Rex (punchline): "In retrospect", Batman said, "Dr. Hugo Strange was a gimmie".

ALL I WANNA DO IS *DEDUCE NOISE* *DEDUCE NOISE* *DEDUCE NOISE* *DEDUCE NOISE* AND A *DEDUCTION NOISE* AND PET BASKERVILLES DOGGIES

T-Rex: "Sherlock!" Watson said, looking down at his friend and consulting detective completely covered in duck feathers, "What have you deduced yourself into THIS time??" T-Rex: Sherlock shrugged. Deducing how he ended up here would be a long story! T-Rex: After Sherlock and Watson deduced a ride home, Sherlock sat in the tub as Watson removed each feather, deducing them one-by-one. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, you - T-Rex: Sherlock sighed. "I'll catch that duck poacher one day," Sherlock deduced, "if it's the last thing I deduce." Watson nodded, deducing quickly in agreement. T-Rex: The bath ended. Sherlock stood, the water deducing off his toned legs. Utahraptor: T-Rex, I - T-Rex: Watson couldn't help but deduce. Sure, he'd deduced his friend like this before - you'd have to be a saint not to deduce that way sometimes - but he never deduced Sherlock would deduce the same deduction. Utahraptor: Actually - you know what? Utahraptor: PROCEED. T-Rex: Watson sighed as Sherlock began deducing his own deduction, deducables deducing deducibly all over his - Off panel (punchline): I changed my mind; this is horrible again

oh and afterwards angola was told all his previous enemies were secretly working for one SUPER enemy, and the more angola thought about it the more he was certain that didn't make sense and that he was probably being lied to, so he could just ignore what Brussels said. THE END.

T-Rex: Angola Maldives, my cool superspy character, found himself staring down his worst enemy: Brussels Samoa! And guess what? T-Rex: THESE two guys hated each other due to their fundamentally differing ideologies! T-Rex: "I wonder if we can ever find a common ground," Angola mused, pointing his gun at Brussels. "Unlikely," Brussels replied, pointing his own gun at Angola, "as it's been my observation that people tend to calcify into their beliefs as they get older." "There are exceptions though," Angola said as he cocked his gun. Brussels nodded. "There are always" - here he cocked his gun too - "exceptions." Utahraptor: For a long moment, only the snow at Everest's top moved between them. T-Rex: Yes! YES. T-Rex: "I can stay up here longer than you can," Brussels smirked. "We're in the death zone, above the line where there's enough oxygen in the air to sustain us. I've got my top secret Everest base to return to. But you... you've only got the oxygen you're carrying, Angola." T-Rex (punchline): As he made his way down Everest, Angola was sad that he lost his target but glad that he got to learn more about mountaineering.

NON-CANON

T-Rex: Will the future TRULY be like the present, only with more blue LEDs?? Will we harness nuclear fusion, or will its power destroy us? Let's find out together, as we voyage to... T-Rex: THE WORLD OF TOMORROW!! Narrator: 50 YEARS IN THE FUTURE: Dromiceiomimus: Not much has changed, T-Rex! Because as you know, we are dinosaurs, and dinosaurs DO NOT USE TECHNOLOGY!! T-Rex: *gasp* Narrator: 1000 YEARS IN THE FUTURE: Utahraptor: A millennium passing is, to us, as unremarkable as the passing of a single day! T-Rex: *gasp* Narrator: 1 MILLION YEARS IN THE FUTURE: Utahraptor: Without invention, technology, or even an oral history to inform us of our past, even a million years can leave no mark on our eternal present, forever unchanging and forever unchanged!! T-Rex: Well dang, THIS was a complete waste of time! Narrator: BACK IN THE PRESENT: T-Rex: So as you can see, our descendants will spend the next million years hanging out, and nothing will ever get noticeably worse. T-Rex (punchline): NOT BAD, NOT BAD.

that last sentence is a great way to end any essay. and comic, i guess??

T-Rex: At the top of our list are plasmas! OBVIOUSLY. Plasmas are ELECTRICALLY CONDUCTIVE GAS, and that is extremely awesome. Lightning is plasma and lightning RULES, therefore plasma easily takes our coveted #1 spot. Narrator: THE CLASSICAL STATES OF MATTER Narrator: as arranged from best to worst T-Rex: In #2 we have solids! Solids are so super great that we actually use them as a synonym for "super great". "He's a solid dude", we say. Solids combine the thrill of a liquid's tangibility with the frisson of a consistent shape that even plasmas can't offer. We love solids and solids love us, hence their... SOLID second-place finishing?? Utahraptor: Liquids at #3? T-Rex: Liquids at #3. T-Rex: While not as good as solids, without liquids we'd lose blood, which means, scientifically, our bodies would instead be filled with some sort of blood-like gas - in which case minor cuts would send us flying around the room like a balloon - or a "blood plasma", which I think is actually already a thing. T-Rex: Gas is left in last place, of which the less said the better. Easily misplaced and often annoyingly invisible, at its core a gas is just a liquid someone failed to properly pressurize. T-Rex (punchline): This list is objectively correct and, as such, no arguments to the contrary will be entertained.

You may wonder why supersolids did not take the #1 position! They're solids that have superfluid properties, and sadly, they are SO GREAT they might not even exist, here in our fallen world. If supersolids ever get proven to exist I will update this alt text, so be sure to refresh it every day from now on, and you will learn science facts. UPDATE YEARS LATER: thanks for checking, everyone! Supersolids are real! Your efforts paid off handsomely!!

T-Rex: You've probably spent some time as solid with a bunch of liquids inside you while continually expelling gas. Heck, we've ALL done it. But do you ever wonder if there's... BETTER states of matter to spend your time as? Narrator: THE BEST NON-CLASSICAL STATES OF MATTER T-Rex: At the bottom of our list are Dropletons, which are quasiparticles of electrons and holes. We all love electrons, but some of us have had bad experiences with holes. Sorry, Dropletons. Also, you sound like nerds. Dromiceiomimus: Next is degenerate matter, which sounds like it's really horny! But instead it's found within neutron stars, scientifically incapable of sex. T-Rex: BORING Utahraptor: Let's skip to the greatest ones! T-Rex: Not a problem! T-Rex: #2 are superfluids: liquids that can flow without friction. Put a superfluid in a glass and it'll try to CLIMB OUT ON ITS OWN. Utahraptor: Clearly excellent. T-Rex: Yes. But our #1 winner must be PHOTONIC MOLECULES: light that behaves like it's got FRIGGIN' MASS. T-Rex: They're what lightsabers or Green Lantern "hard light" constructs will be made out of, if we ever get around to inventing them. THE END. T-Rex (punchline): Again: as this list is 100% accurate, no debate will be tolerated.

a woman at the dog park had a doberman named "Dobe" which I thought was a really lazy name until I remembered all the humans I know named "Hugh"

T-Rex: Having a child or two? Why not, right? And while you've probably already bought, like, tiny clothes and stuff, you've probably ALSO forgotten the most common thing all new parents forget: this kid is gonna need a name! Narrator: HOW TO NAME THE CHILD THAT CAME OUT OF YOU (OR A LOVED ONE) T-Rex: A common approach is to name the child after what you hope it will do in life. This accounts for names like "Jack", "Sue", "Carol", and "Wade". Dromiceiomimus: Others believe you should name the child after whatever colour blood is, hence names like "Ruby", "Rusty", and "Scarlet". Utahraptor: Let me guess: you disagree? T-Rex: In fact, I do! T-Rex: There's SO MANY children named after blood already. It's weird. I recommend naming the kid after the most bad-ass animal you can think of: "Wolf", "Raven", "T-Rex", and "Phoenix" are all solid options. Utahraptor: Also "Kitty" and "Newt". T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: If all else fails, many simply name their child after whatever they were conceived on top of. People named "Clay", "Ivy", and "Cash": BEHOLD YOUR ORIGINS. The end. T-Rex (punchline): Oh! And also people named "Mattress". Duh.

you get tossed a copy of t-rex's bible. you open it up to a special pop-up book section, and while a tinny speaker plays a 10-second clip of the batman theme song, you are invited to pull a tab to reveal the creation of the universe. you instantly renounce all other religions.

God: HEY MERRY CHRISTMAS T-REX T-Rex: Hey, thanks God! T-Rex: Uh... I didn't get you anything? God: TYPICAL T-Rex: Classic me, yep!! T-Rex: But what do you get the man who not only HAS everything, but has CREATED everything, assuming you believe in a book he sponsored wherein he totally takes 100% of the credit for everything ever?? God: ALSO THE BOOK IS EXTREMELY LONG T-Rex: Yeah also the book is so big it's got several smaller SUB-BOOKS included within it. Wow, THAT'S not a terrible idea at all!! Utahraptor: So your major Bible issue is it's too long. T-Rex: It's a reasonable complaint! T-Rex: Here's an UNreasonable complaint: it's not typeset entirely in Comic Sans. When you open it up there's no speakers playing the Batman theme song. Not ONE Magic Eye unicorn battle appears in the margins when you cross your eyes. Utahraptor: I - I really want a copy of your Bible now. T-Rex: Right?! God: FRIG MAN DO YOU THINK IT'S TOO LATE TO REBOOT THE UNIVERSE AND MAKE THAT THE CANONICAL BIBLE VERSION T-Rex: Well, would anything else change? God: HONESTLY God (punchline): KINDA FINDING IT HARD TO CARE ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW

If you're here because there were only six wonders mentioned in the comic and you want a sick diss on the Temple of Artemis, then here you go: the Temple of FARTemis. Thank you for reading my comic today.

Narrator: SICK DISSES ON THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD Narrator: memorize this comic! then you will be able to score sick disses on the greatest achievements of the ancients whenever you want God: LIGHTHOUSE OF ALEXANDRIA T-Rex: I'm sorry, did you mean the TRITEhouse of AlexBLANDria? Dromiceiomimus: Now how about the... Colossus of Rhodes! T-Rex: Hah! More like the Colossus of E-rhodes!! Dromiceiomimus: This makes sense, since its remains are lost, and likely destroyed due to exposure to the elements. T-Rex: ZING Utahraptor: Do Zeus's statue! T-Rex: SNOOZE'S statue, more like! Utahraptor: A half-rhyme at best, but I'll allow it! Utahraptor: Great pyramid of Giza! T-Rex: It's LITERALLY ROCKS in a pile. Come on, ancients. Utahraptor: Hanging Gardens of Babylon! T-Rex: Hanging Gardens of BabyYAWN, more like. It's JUST PLANTS. Narrator: MAUSOLEUM AT HALICARNASSUS T-Rex (punchline): Mausolus's tomb was so tight that we use "mausoleum" to refer to ALL fancy tombs. My sick disses exhausted, I hope my name one day gains synonymity too, ideally with "a pile of fried chicken SO LARGE it'd be fatal to consume but which some men will nevertheless attempt helplessly."

Convincing his friend that his other friend not only peed in the pool but pooped in it too, but his mom took it out when nobody was looking so you can't see it but it totally happened and he saw it at the bottom before she took it out

T-Rex: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist! But eugh, that one's so mainstream now. Narrator: THE LESS GREAT TRICKS THE DEVIL EVER PULLED T-Rex: Convincing cats that buttholes were things to be proudly displayed at all times Dromiceiomimus: Convincing his friend Gary to invest in his "sure thing" reverse funnel Guaranteed Income Opportunity™ system T-Rex: Convincing himself that not brushing your teeth is evil, therefore he should be exempted from having to brush his teeth, DAD Utahraptor: Convincing his Twitter followers that he's an expert on the melting point of steel beams Utahraptor: Convincing himself that his Sonic fan character, Clem the Greninja, was a vital part of Sonic canon T-Rex: Convincing himself that Clem would EVER feel that way about Krystal the Squirtle, and that their relationship was NOT wholly unmotivated and came COMPLETELY out of nowhere T-Rex (punchline): Convincing the mods on SonicFanz to delete ALL my reviews of his original characters even though they contained VERY constructive criticisms that raised important points that anyone who thought even a little bit about Sonic canon for ONE SECOND would recognize

THE THEME FOR 2016 IS WHAT T-REX SAYS IN THE LAST PANEL. LET'S DO THIS

T-Rex: Going to a New Year's Eve party tonight? Here are some interesting things to talk about, so you will appear to be a fascinating and clever conversationalist! God: UH NYE WAS LAST NIGHT DUDE T-Rex: ... T-Rex: ...I see. T-Rex: *ahem* Did you go to a New Year's Eve party last night? Here are some interesting things you COULD'VE talked about, and which WOULD'VE made you appear to be a fascinating and clever conversationalist! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex... did you forget New Year's Eve? T-Rex: I, uh - T-Rex: [small] imayhaveforgottenabout newyearseveyes Utahraptor: How did you FORGET it?! T-Rex: I went to sleep early and turned off my phone! It was actually super easy!! Utahraptor: So you didn't do a midnight smooch. T-Rex: Nope. Utahraptor: You didn't count down the year with friends and feel a little sad even though you're not supposed to. T-Rex: Nope. Utahraptor: You just lay in bed, unconscious and alone. T-Rex: Yep. Narrator: THAT NIGHT, T-REX'S FRIENDS CELEBRATE THE NEW YEAR AGAIN WITH HIM EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT ON THE RIGHT DAY: T-Rex: Hah hah!! This is because dates are arbitrary and friendship can be whatever we want it to be! Narrator (punchline): THE END

can any three words be more tantalizing than "Secret Illegal Pyramid"?? may i present... "Secret Sex Pyramid"

T-Rex: Sometimes reality promises us things and then ENTIRELY FAILS TO DELIVER. This can be crushingly disappointing! To avoid future disappointment, simply memorize the following... Narrator: THINGS THAT ARE NOT AS GOOD AS THEY SOUND T-Rex: SKELETON CREWS: skellingtons obeying your every order? NOPE! It's just fewer people working at a place than normal. Two skeletal thumbs way down. T-Rex: BOXING DAY: this sounds like a day where all punches are legal and even handshakes are replaced by fisticuffsmanship!! Instead, it's a day in Canada where stores take an additional 10% off their already low low prices. PASS. T-Rex: PYRAMID SCHEMES: no Secret Illegal Pyramid plans here, just ripping off sad people. Utahraptor: Thanks, "reality". T-Rex: HEADBUTT: a fight move - so still PRETTY cool - but bafflingly has NO head-to-butt contact. Let's not gild the lily: this is a headhead. Utahraptor: DEAD GIVEAWAYS: instead of easy clues these SHOULD be places where one can drop off corpses without involving the police and their infernal meddling. T-Rex (punchline): JURY NULLIFICATION: a better world than ours is implied, wherein ultimate nullifier rays exist and court cases can be won by simply erasing the jury from the timeline. We see a glimpse beyond the tired grey reaches of our lives and we are lessened by it. 0 out of a possible 10 stars.

thank me once you listen to what the learned smash mouths once concluded vis-a-vis the challenges, but also the benefits, of being an all star

T-Rex: It's a new year! Time for us all to take stock of our lives or whatever. T-Rex: And by that I mean, time to examine all our old mp3 files we have hanging around! T-Rex: I downloaded these in the last CENTURY, Dromiceiomimus. There are cool teens ALIVE TODAY who are younger than some of these mp3 files. Dromiceiomimus: Ooh, do they all have crappy tags too? T-Rex: Some were ripped before tags were even a thing! They're all pirated, obviously, because THEY LITERALLY PREDATE THE IDEA OF LEGAL DIGITAL MUSIC. What the heck am I supposed to do with them? Utahraptor: Delete them? So you don't go to jail for a billion years owing a billion dollars to billionaires? T-Rex: I can't! T-Rex: We're at the point now where they're HISTORICAL ARTIFACTS. Nobody wants a 96kbps mp3 of "Whoomp! (There It Is)". Mine may well be the only extant instance of this file, the last cultural memory we have of the murky beginnings of digital music!! T-Rex: Utahraptor. This is my LEGACY. Narrator: T-REX DONATES A HARD DRIVE FULL OF ONLY THE BIGGEST, SHINIEST 90S MEGAHITS TO THE SMITHSONIAN: T-Rex: Thank me later, Smithsonian! Off panel: Sir, you can't just leave your hard drive at the customer service desk. T-Rex: I SAID T-Rex (punchline): "THANK ME LATER, SMITHSONIAN"

did Alice and Bob stop being friends because they got tired of Eve listening in on their conversations? ALSO: WHAT IS HER DEAL, I MIGHT ASK??

T-Rex: FACT: people change! I mean, OBVIOUSLY. If we didn't we'd all be these weird 30-year-old babies, pooping wherever we like instead of worrying about business stuff and whether or not strangers like us! T-Rex: Listen, there are PROBABLY downsides to this, okay?? T-Rex: But if people change, then it makes sense that friendships would too. Why should they feel bad if Alice and Bob stop being friends? Isn't it enough that 2005 variants of Alice and Bob up to the April 4th at 3:35 pm variants of Alice and Bob had a good thing going? T-Rex: Let's all just agree that friendships ending is natural and normal, cool? Utahraptor: But it's sad when friendships fade away! T-Rex: Sure! Absolutely! No doubt! T-Rex: But if they didn't, LONG-TERM pals wouldn't be special. There'd be nothing unique about friends who stick around forever, not because they have to, not because they work together, not because they wanna bone, but because they both just REALLY LIKE HANGING OUT. Utahraptor: Aw. That's nice. T-Rex: It's the purest expression of love, brotimes!! Oh... except for people who fall so deeply that they get married and love that person for the whole rest of their lives. T-Rex (punchline): Uh, I GUESS that'd be good too??

look, all i'm saying is: if there's one thing that t-rex definitely is, it's a mythological concept, mineral, place or country, property, or a scientist

T-Rex: Turns out, just as with horses, there's rules for naming elements! TURNS OUT, new elements can ONLY be named after a mythological concept, a mineral, a place or country, a property, or a scientist! T-Rex: TURNS OUT trying to get a new element named "Hugebonerium" was a complete waste of time! T-Rex: We waste element names on boring things like "Americium", after FRIGGIN' AMERICA, when instead we could be wielding scepters made out of pure DRAGONIUM, or VAMPIRIUM, and if we dared to drop the "ium" we'd unlock names like KRONOS or DAGOBAH or KRYPT- T-Rex: - actually that one's pretty cool already. But we still need to up our game! There are presently 4 elements whose names are YET UNDECIDED. History will JUDGE US by what we choose!! Utahraptor: And you're here to campaign for T-REXIUM? T-Rex: Absolutely. ABSOLUTELY. T-Rex: We've named ZERO elements after dinosaurs, DESPITE the fact they are EXTREMELY AWESOME. What are we doing? We have THREE elements named after California. CALIFORNIA, Utahraptor. It's cool, sure, but it's not a meat-eating APEX PREDATOR that stomps on cars as casually as it stomps on tiny women. T-Rex: That's right! I stepped on a woman back there and y'all barely even noticed!! T-Rex: Y'ALL ARE MONSTERS T-Rex (punchline): NAME ONE OF THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF THE UNIVERSE AFTER ME PLEASE

after we made cloning work like in garbage stories we decided that a single hair was enough to do this, because as everyone who has watched a crime show knows, hair is made of pure uncut freebased DNA

T-Rex: My superspy character, Angola Maldives, found himself facing a physical AND mental duplicate of himself. "I've cloned you, Maldives!" shouted his arch enemy, Brussels Samoa. "Cloning doesn't work that way!" retorted the first Angola. T-Rex: "It does now!" said Brussels, and amazingly, he was telling the truth! T-Rex: Brussels had figured out how to make cloning work like it always does in garbage stories: a sample of blood was all it took to produce a clone with the exact same body AND MEMORIES of that person. It seemed impossible, but, well, here we are. The only downside Brussels missed was that the clone of Angola wasn't evil, since he had the exact same world-view as the original. Whoops! Utahraptor: As Brussels was getting beat up by twice the Angolas as usual, he felt disappointed! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: Or rather he would've, if THAT Brussels wasn't a clone. The original Brussels was gone, long ago lost. Brussels was a man constantly being recloned at age 32, never progressing, stuck in a perpetual now, never able to learn from the mistakes his older clones had made. Off panel: But the rest of the world advanced around him, right? T-Rex: Yeah, so it was actually pretty cool and he got to see what the future was like, and all in all it's a reasonable trade-off that I would gladly take. Narrator (punchline): THE END

YES there is a dude named Dan who keeps coming over to my house unexpectedly and dropping voms at dinner, YES this is my mega passive-aggressive way to let him know that this is Not Okay

T-Rex: One day Dan was like, "I can do this better. I can bring this places this has never gone before. I can become THE RUDES- Narrator: THE RUDEST MAN IN THE WORLD T-Rex: -T MAN IN THE WORLD, yes. Dan managed not to just UNLEARN all politeness society had taught him, but to actively do the opposite! If you spoke, he would talk over you, even if he had nothing to say! Dromiceiomimus: Would he eat off my plate? T-Rex: He'd invite himself over, DURING DINNER, just to do it!! And then he'd vomit on YOUR plate, which is rude in at LEAST two ways! Utahraptor: Four ways, I think. T-Rex: Oh? Utahraptor: Check it: 1) Rude to invite yourself over. 2) Rude to eat off someone else's plate. 3) Rude to induce vomiting at the table. 4) Rude to vomit on a plate not your own. T-Rex: Dan, man. Truly new heights of rudeness. T-Rex: Anyway, Dan died a rebel who wouldn't follow society's "rules" and everyone around him died knowing that several rules in society are great, such as the rules of politeness which allow complete strangers to interact without causing fistfights all the time. T-Rex (punchline): THE END.

to be fair he was REALLY good at beating up plant ladies, not to mention funny men, cold men, and men with two faces

T-Rex: One day Batman was out solving crimes - WHICH HE WAS REALLY GOOD AT - when it occurred to him: is there anything he ISN'T good at? T-Rex: Batman scowled expertly at the thought! T-Rex: He called Alfred up on his built-in cowl Batphone, a device that worked anywhere which he single-handedly invented, engineered, and produced. Alfred challenged him to prove that he was great at paying his butlers a billion dollars, but Batman was an expert at not being manipulated, so he figured out what was going on well before the wire transfer was all the way done. Utahraptor: Was Batman a prodigy at everything, even things he'd never trained for? T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: Bats picked up a hockey stick and found he was untouchable on ice. His first painting became an instant classic. Baffled, he tried writing My Little Pony fan fiction, and it won a Congressional Medal of Honour. Utahraptor: They don't give awards for - T-Rex: THEY CHANGED THE RULES JUST FOR HIS STORY. T-Rex: However, Batman also had god-tier humility, and knew that if he dominated every field it would hurt a lot of people. So instead he confined his efforts to beating up plant ladies in alleyways. T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): HE WAS THE GREATEST MAN EVER BORN

i wrote this comic for you to send to your friends *ZZZT* for ME to send to some of my friends *ZZZT* all of my friends *ZZZT* to send to all of my friends if they texted me more often *DING*

Narrator: SORRY I DIDN'T REPLY TO YOUR TEXT MESSAGE FOR LIKE THREE DAYS Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Hah hah, yeah, sorry about that! T-Rex: Listen, I think we need to acknowledge that there will be times when you text me and I'll think "Wow, THAT'S definitely a text I'll reply to!" but then I'll put my phone down or something distracts me and I completely forget about it for the next three days. Minimum. Dromiceiomimus: This happens a lot. T-Rex: The world is a distracting place, FULL OF WONDER or whatever, okay? Utahraptor: But then all you eventually ever write is "haha"! T-Rex: ONLY if whatever you sent was funny! Utahraptor: THREE DAYS, T-Rex. For "haha". T-Rex: You'd rather I not write back at all? Listen, if you text me, you gotta accept my motto: "TEXTS RULE EVERYTHING AROUND ME Utahraptor: But that's the oppos- T-Rex: ...NOT." Narrator: SORRY I'M NOT A GREAT FRIEND Narrator: BUT THERE'S STILL SOME THINGS THAT MAKE ME GOOD Narrator (punchline): try to remember them i guess

you've never feared that frosty would become generalized? huh. different strokes, i guess??

T-Rex: One January afternoon, at precisely 3:14:52 pm, all the snowmen in the world became alive. They were sapient, sentient, intelligent, and communicative. T-Rex: It was as we'd always feared: T-Rex: FROSTY HAD BEEN GENERALIZED. T-Rex: Winter was spent negotiating with this new race of snow people, since they were fully aware their time was limited unless they could be airlifted to the poles or granted walk-in freezer access. By spring, most had begun building lives in the frigid extremes of our now-shared planet. Dromiceiomimus: It makes sense! They're a new race supremely adapted for the cold! Utahraptor: And snow people don't consume resources AND are "born" fully educated. T-Rex: EXACTLY. T-Rex: We could now turn SNOW into INTELLIGENCE. Of course, THEY realized that too, and could become geniuses by simply putting more snow on their heads. They could also become ripped by giving themselves snow muscles. T-Rex: Soon, the Earth was not enough. T-Rex: Alien races never understood why the "ice comets" they detected would seem to be headed directly towards their planet until it was much, much too late. T-Rex: THE END. T-Rex (punchline): P.S.: MY STORY IS CALLED "ICE TO BEAT YOU", OBVIOUSLY

in the one real universe, a mega star wars fan realizes he could get even MORE movies by running a fake universe in which more star wars sequels were produced. he begins running our universe, and the three prequels come out. he sighs and files a bug report

T-Rex: There's a chance our world could be a simulation! The argument is, once computers can run universe simulations it makes sense there'd be more than one, so the odds that we'd be in the only REAL universe are kinda crappy. T-Rex: Hah hah hah OH WELL! T-Rex: But let's imagine someone advanced enough that they COULD run a CompuEarth full of new VirtuaPeeps to see what comes out the other side! Why would they do such a thing? Dromiceiomimus: To learn more about themselves? T-Rex: Pfft, BORING. The REAL use is to run the simulation FASTER than the real time, and then extract inventions from it! Utahraptor: Have them figure out hoverboards, then full-on steal their IP? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: And not just science: the arts too! A whole virtual world producing art, and it's all NEW: an endlessly refreshing supply of new #content. Friend, there's a non-zero chance that every life in our universe has a PURPOSE, and that purpose is not to love yourself, or each other, or to explore the cosmos... T-Rex: ...but simply to research hoverboards, and if you can't do that, then at least produce as many Star Wars spinoff films as you can. Off panel: But I don't do either of those things. T-Rex: Hah hah hah T-Rex (punchline): YEP

herc's lack of a kryptonian bioelectric field probably explains why his famous "12 labours" include "cleaning stables really quickly", "stealing some apples", and "finding a dog".

T-Rex: Hercules - who was the strongest man there is and therefore really strong - grunted. Lifting up this mountain made of solid rock was challenging even HIS strength! T-Rex: "Errgh," he grunted, just like I said! Dromiceiomimus: Hold up: a mountain? Herc's not THAT strong. He's "lift up a cow, no problem" strong, SURE, but a mountain's a whole other class of strength. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I just said he's the STRONGEST MAN. Superman can lift up mountains, THEREFORE, Hercules can lift up mountains too! Q.E.D., yo! Utahraptor: But doesn't Supes extend his biofield to stop the mountains he's lifting from crumbling apart? T-Rex: I dunno! SOMETIMES? Utahraptor: Yeah he does. So without a Kryptonian heritage, Herc can't do the same! THEREFORE, his feats are limited to the tensile strength of whatever material he's lifting, and lifting mountains is out. T-Rex: You know what? Fine. FINE. T-Rex: Hercules realized he never lifted the mountain after all and then millennia later, this dude Utahraptor was super chuffed at this boring story. Off panel (punchline): yaaaaay

sorry millennials, your parents are immortal now, and they're all wondering why you don't just go out and get a job like they did when they were your age

T-Rex: One day Johnny died and became a ghost. He was pretty chuffed because he didn't want to die, but being a ghost was like being alive only now you didn't have to die anymore, so it was a pretty big score for Johnny. Narrator: JOHNNY THE GHOST T-Rex: Johnny decided to become a helpful ghost. He would smash plates, but only to wake you up to warn you of dangerously high carbon monoxide levels in your kitchen. Instead of possessing people to make them swear and spew vomit more than they usually did, he'd possess them to help build up their confidence during difficult conversations, or in the workplace. Utahraptor: Sounds like the best ambassador ghosts ever had! T-Rex: Oh, he was! T-Rex: Johnny's example encouraged other ghosts, who realized that maybe rattling chains at the elderly wasn't the most productive use of their LITERAL IMMORTALITY. Soon ghosts were valued members of society, with special "night rooms" kept in offices where the dead could work even during the day. T-Rex: With the older generation now keeping their jobs even as ghosts, this was yet another baloney thing millennials had to deal with when entering the workplace, but there are always unintended consequences to every act and you can't win them all. T-Rex (punchline): THE END.

oh wow a comic in which ryan argues the technology that gave us the word "bonertastic" is really important, WHAT A SURPRISE

T-Rex: Ten thousand years ago we hadn't invented CIVILIZATION, let alone cool things like pleated skirts and movies with robots in them. We sat around bashing stones together SO MUCH that we named the entire AGE after it. T-Rex: I hate to say it, but it's the truth: we were a HOT MESS. Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, but we were stupid cave men and women back then! We weren't EVOLVED. T-Rex: Evolution happens real slow, yo! Here's a crazy fact truth: our bodies are the same now as they were ten thousand years ago. Like, IDENTICAL. We had the same "anatomically modern" bodies then as we have now! Utahraptor: So there's nothing biologically separating the modern usses from cave usses? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: We just SEEM smart because our parents taught us a language, then used that to share all the things their parents told THEM, plus all the new things they found out, like what a DNA is and how to make cell phones with slightly curved screens. Narrator: CONCLUSION: LANGUAGE IS SUPER IMPORTANT!! Narrator: BUT IF YOU CAN READ THIS YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW THAT Narrator (punchline): wow damn, i guess just show this comic to a baby, the dinosaurs might interest them and thereby encourage them to learn what a language is

i like the idea of living under a rock as meaning that you haven't kept up with current events. like, you're pushing yourself under a rock and using it as a house, maybe we can cut you a little slack??

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes, who wore a deerstalker (or "Sherlock Holmes hat"), and who was the best at solving mysteries in case you've been living under a rock - T-Rex: - or else in a different culture which would obviously have different cultural touchstones - T-Rex: - frowned. He'd finally found a mystery he couldn't crack! Sherlock had made his whole thing about being the "solving mysteries guy", so this was REALLY bad for him. T-Rex: Everyone was staring at him as he went over the body with his magnifying glass for the third time. This normally didn't take this long. T-Rex: Sherlock started to sweat. Who was he without his deductions? Utahraptor: Just a man with a cool hat! T-Rex: Cool Hat Man, as Sherlock was starting to think of himself, was in way over his head. In desperation, he feigned confidence and announced that a "Mr. Stabsworth" from out of town did it, so, he explained, it made sense that nobody knew him. The police and onlookers dispersed, satisfied. T-Rex: Later that evening Sherlock started doing drugs, which until the day he died he claimed was due to "being so bored when there's no mysteries because I'm so good at mysteries". THE END. T-Rex (punchline): PS: THIS IS A TRAGEDY

if civilization collapsed we'd all just run around eating each other and getting our bodies stuck in riverbeds where they'd eventually become fossils. ridiculous! RIDICULOUS.

T-Rex: Civilization is great because it lets people specialize! We don't ALL have to grow our own food and hunt our own cows so we can eat delicious cow parts. T-Rex: Instead, we can do something else, and trade for the delicious cow parts we crave! T-Rex: So that's what we do! We have fewer and fewer farmers and more and more, I don't know, "SEO Email Marketing Specialists", which are four words I chose at random, but which I think we can agree a) is DEFINITELY a thing, b) is pretty specialized, and c) would be COMPLETELY useless in a post-apocalyptic society. Utahraptor: I mean, we'd ALL be pretty useless if civilization collapsed. T-Rex: Right?! T-Rex: But not the farmers! They're the FOUNDATION. They meet our basic needs, so that the rest of us are free to invent more esoteric ones. So let's thank farmers, without whom specialization - and therefore CIVILIZATION HERSELF - would not be possible. Banner: Thanks farmers! Banner (punchline): Technically, you’re what allow people to be full-time spammers

listen pops, maybe you set your firewall to allow all outgoing requests back in your day, but it's a new world. a TEEN'S world!!

Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS STARTED OVER 13 YEARS AGO. TO CELEBRATE THIS COMIC NOW BEING A TEENAGER, HERE ARE SOME Narrator: [large] JOKES FOR TEENS T-Rex: What did the authority figure say to the teen? Dromiceiomimus: What? T-Rex: Who knows? The teen couldn't understand, because the authority figure couched it in old-timey references that only seniors understand, like "M.A.S.H." and "The Rolling Stones"! Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah hah T-Rex: What did the parent have for breakfast? Utahraptor: I dunno! What? T-Rex: He didn't, because he spent all of breakfast changing settings on his tablet so it'd connect to his work VPN, but UNLIKE THE TEEN didn't know their firewall dropped requests originating on non-standard ports, so he was just wasting his time!! Utahraptor: Hah hah hah! Utahraptor: LOSER Narrator: [large] JOKES FOR TEENS has been brought to you by Narrator: [large] TEENS FOR JOKES Narrator (punchline): “the teens who like jokes™”

Roses can be red / Violets are purple, not blue / Poem now haiku

T-Rex: "Roses are red / Violets are blue / What lives after men / Is the evil they do" T-Rex: -William Shakespeare, noted poet Narrator: ARE ALL POEMS TRULY IMPROVED IN "ROSES ARE RED" FORMAT? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: Roses are red / Woods are yellow / Two roads diverged / I'm an interesting fellow -ROBERT FROST. Dromiceiomimus: A rose's colour can be very red / And violets have a colour that is bold / I've eaten the plums that were in the icebox / They were delicious: so sweet and so cold -WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS. Utahraptor: Roses are red / And love is bliss / But I got a new phone / who dis -ME. T-Rex: You're doing it wrong! T-Rex: OBSERVE: Roses are red / Violets are blue / There is no one alive / who is Youer than You. -DR. SEUSS. Utahraptor: Roses are red / Violets are blue / Thank you for subscribing to Flower Facts.com / Click here to manage your subscription. T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR, NO Off panel: Roses are red, Violets are blue, OMG, STFU T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...yeah okay I gotta give that one props

yes, I AM here to establish that the first animal to crawl out of the ocean was named "Fishy J. Bonkers"

T-Rex: The wheels on the bus go: a) round and round b) to inconvenient bus stops c) hard or go home d) loudly past my house at 3 FRIGGIN' AM T-Rex: While ALL are correct, the canonically accepted answer is A! T-Rex: But unlike a bunch of songs for babies, "The Wheels On The Bus" actually has a modern vintage, since it IS, after all, an exhaustive listing of the properties of buses: a technology which did not exist until someone thought "hey, you know what'd make this car better? If it were larger AND filled with strangers"! Utahraptor: There's no "the legs on the horse go clop clop clop" ancestor? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: Nor is there a "the sails of the trans-Atlantic ship go 'flap flap flap'" version, much less an earlier "the lungs of Fishy J. Bonkers, our earliest ancestor to crawl out of the ocean, go 'gasp gasp gasp'" prototype. Utahraptor: Well, that's disappointing. T-Rex: Yep. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE: Off panel: Well, that's to be expected, here where fish can not only sing, but ALSO ensure that their lyrics and melodies survive for millions of years! T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex (punchline): ...I feel KINDA bad about eating them??

based on a true story / recurring diet fantasy

T-Rex: What is pizza? I'll tell you what it is: it's a flatbread that you put sauce on and cover with things you want to eat, INCLUDING A DELICIOUS LAYER OF CHEESE. T-Rex: YES. IT IS NO WONDER THAT THIS IS DELICIOUS. Dromiceiomimus: There are pizzas that only have cheese on them, T-Rex: no extra ingredients. I believe they are called "cheese pizzas". T-Rex: ...I'll allow it. Dromiceiomimus: There's also sauce-free pizzas. T-Rex: It takes all kinds! Dromiceiomimus: And cheese-free pizzas. T-Rex: Even those who SOMEHOW dislike cheese shall find welcome in Pizzatopia! Utahraptor: So if you can remove all these ingredients, what makes pizza pizza then? T-Rex: The flatbread, I think? T-Rex: Like, if you remove it then you're just left a bunch of pizza toppings in a pile, which - WHILE STILL OBJECTIVELY DELICIOUS - is a thing no man of honest means could call "pizza". Utahraptor: So pizza is just "food on a bread". T-Rex: My friend, I'M gonna spend a lifetime eating pizza to find out! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: NO REGRETS T-Rex (punchline): WOWWWW

apollo was like, damn, i keep getting owned on Earth. i don't know why i keep hanging out on a planet that's full of people who just own me so hard like fifty times i day. damn dude, i can't stop getting owned by mortals. damn

T-Rex: One day Cassandra got caught up in some baloney, and ended up being cursed by the god Apollo! T-Rex: Mondays, am I right? T-Rex: Anyway, Cassandra could now see the future, but nobody would EVER believe her prophecies! T-Rex: Cassandra was like, okay, sweet, I can work with this. She bet on sports matches and made a LOT of money, since bookies LOVE taking the money of someone who's making a bet - a PROPHECY, if you will - on who will win, especially if the bookies INSTANTLY and FERVENTLY believe she's incorrect. Before long she was loaded, but had also attracted a lot of attention from some VERY unsavoury characters. Utahraptor: They wanted to kill her and take their money back? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: But Cassandra was now INVINCIBLE. If she foresaw her death, all she had to do was tell her murderers that they'd succeed in killing her. They'd instantly believe they'd fail and so abandon the attempt. Apollo was like, "man, this wasn't what I intended at all. Frig, guys. She's owning me down there." T-Rex: However after she spoke with him he was convinced taking back his curse was pointless, and Cassandra's rule was characterized by peace, prosperity, and daily global broadcasts that nobody EVER believed would come true -- but damn it, she got results! T-Rex (punchline): THE END.

A horny scientist read T-Rex's book and was like, wow, now I'm frustrated in TWO distinct ways

T-Rex: One day Sherlock Holmes was reading "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes" which made sense, because remember how in-universe Watson writes up his Sherlock experiences as stories and publishes them for some reason?? T-Rex: And how everyone involved thinks this is COMPLETELY NORMAL?? T-Rex: And it's like, yes, if I hung out with MY friends and six months later I found "THAT TIME I HUNG OUT WITH T-REX" on the bestseller list and that kept happening every single time I hung out with this one dude, I would definitely keep hanging out with this guy anyway. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, are we forgetting YOUR thinly fictionalized "Lady D And King Rex: A Passionate Affair... Of The Lips"?? Utahraptor: ...We're forgetting it, aren't we? T-Rex: IF AT ALL POSSIBLE. T-Rex: LISTEN: we all made mistakes when we were younger, and MY mistake was trying to write stories about the people I smooched, and then selling them as 99 cent ebooks which SUGGESTED erotic imagery but which mostly contained my NOT UNCONTROVERSIAL theories of how dolphins communicate. T-Rex: I think they're sending sonar images back and forth: THAT'S why traditional linguistic analysis hasn't worked!! But the only way I can get people to read my theories is to promise there'll be smooching!! T-Rex (punchline): THERE ISN'T

later on t-rex realized that parasites inside everyone's bodies counted as animals too, and his short story got EVEN SHORTER

T-Rex: The year: the future. The time: two seconds from tomorrow. T-Rex: And every animal on Earth has been turned into humans! T-Rex: This was great for the humans - well, more like "okay news" since for them it was literally a non-event - but bad news for all the other animals. Cows were now humans. Bugs were humans. BEARS were humans too. Dromiceiomimus: Did they have the strength of a bear? T-Rex: No, BUT: they had the attitude and willingness to eat humans of a bear. Utahraptor: What about plankton? T-Rex: Humans too! Full-sized humans. T-Rex: The oceans were full of instantly drowned humans, and needless to say the planetary ecosystem collapsed. Trillions died, and the lack of biodiversity caused rampant disease among the survivors, who envied the dead. Utahraptor: Ah. Banner (punchline): IMAGINATION

the best part is decoy units will always be a thing, because it's always be cheaper to build a fake-ass tank than to build an actual working tank! yes, they'll truly be with us forever, UNLIKE YOUR CONTINUALLY AGING BODY

T-Rex: Sometimes in war you want your enemy to think you have way more guns than you actually have! The solution is obvious: T-Rex: FAKE GUNS. T-Rex: This has a long tradition! "Quaker Guns" were big ol' logs painted black to pass as cannons, once famously inducing a surrender from the beseiged opponent without a single shot having been fired! And during WWII the Allies built inflatable tanks, NOT JUST FOR FUNSIES, but also to disguise the actual location of the Normandy Invasion by having "tanks" moved to a decoy spot! T-Rex: Dummy tanks are STILL used, but now generate a fake heat signature too! Utahraptor: Neat! T-Rex: And tanks sometimes carry their OWN decoys, so if they need to escape they can set up a fake! Utahraptor: Just like the HoloDuke in Duke Nukem 3D! T-Rex: Hah hah! That game is 20 years old! To get that reference you have to be real old too! Utahraptor: Hah hah hah!! T-Rex (punchline): Oh noooooooo