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Years later, Watson recalled that to Sherlock Holmes, it was always THE robot. "I have seldom heard him mention it under any other name. In his eyes it eclipses and predominates the whole of its kind."

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes adjusted a few gears, tightened a few springs, then brushed off his hands. He'd finally completed his greatest invention yet... T-Rex: H.O.L.M.E.S., the crime solving robot! T-Rex: "It's short for Holmes's Outstandingly Leggy Mystery-Explaining Simulacrum," he explained to Watson. "It's a robot self that I gave nice legs to, and also programmed with all my knowledge so now I can solve crimes 24/7." The robot stood before Watson, a voice issuing from deep within the machine. "WHEN I HAVE DELETED THE IMPOSSIBLE WHATEVER REMAINS HOWEVER IMPROBABLE MUST EQUAL THE TRUTH." T-Rex: "Neato," said Watson. T-Rex: Holmes directed the robot to the city, then went inside to nap! Utahraptor: Sherlock would never do that!! Utahraptor: The dude freebases a 7% solution of cocaine when he's bored: he NEEDS mysteries to live. So why would he ever build a robot to solve them FOR him?? T-Rex: Um, because his first robot, S.H.E.R.L.O.C.K., was currently TERRORIZING LONDON?? T-Rex: Short for "Sexy Hoodlum Enacting Robbery, Larceny, Other Crimes, and Killing"! Off panel: Why are all Sherlock's robots sexy?? T-Rex: Oh T-Rex (punchline): I think it's mostly their legs

worth a shot!

T-Rex: Apparently some people have trouble with being an adult? T-Rex: Hah hah, not me though!! Narrator: TIPS ON BEING AN ADULT T-Rex: Okay honestly I don't know how you need help with this. It's the easiest thing in the world, ESPECIALLY since aging happens automatically to everything that fails to die. Just wait around and you'll become an adult eventually, people! Congratulations, you are now adult! You are being an adult now, and we're done here. T-Rex: SHEESH Utahraptor: I was hoping for more "how to live a deep, fulfilling life in a world you feel lost in"! T-Rex: Oh! OH. T-Rex: Geez, well. I got no tips on that. I mean, I've tried video games; they're pretty good. When you beat a video game it's PRETTY fulfilling. Utahraptor: So your tip for "how to live as an adult" is "play more video games". T-Rex: Yes! But you have to be good at them too. T-Rex: If you are an adult who is bad at video games, then I don't know what to tell you. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...Some people have kids??

what they do is they mostly kiss on each other

T-Rex: One day Peta Parka was bitten by a radioactive mite and gained mite-like powers. T-Rex: I need not remind everyone that mites are similar BUT LEGALLY DISTINCT from spiders! T-Rex: She decided to fight crime as Mite-y Woman, but unbeknownst to her Doctor Septo Septavius was working with three mind-controlled robot arms when there was some radiation there too, and that mess got fused to her body. This gave her seven limbs total, so she started on the supply side of crime as Doctor Starfish! Because certain breeds of starfish have seven limbs! Dromiceiomimus: Ah. Utahraptor: What amazing, novel, and free-from-the-encumbrances-of-copyright characters! T-Rex: I KNOW Utahraptor: But is there any particular reason why someone would want to read about "Peta Parka" and "Doctor Septavius" when they could read ACTUAL comics and get characters that are figuratively and in some cases LITERALLY one better than yours?? T-Rex: YES. And I'll tell you why... T-Rex (punchline): [small] My characters kiss on each other, like, ALL the time

HOT BONUS TIP: the phrase "in other words," stacks well with a thesaurus, especially an automated one

T-Rex: Have you written 10 pages of a 15-page essay and you're KINDA DONE WRITING NOW? Don't worry. Lucky for you you took a break and came to me and now you're gonna learn yourself something called Narrator: HOW TO MAKE ANY ESSAY YOU'RE WRITING LONGER T-Rex: Don't even mess with "bigger line height" or that other amateur-hour garbage. Do it like the pros do: by copying and pasting your first few pages into the middle, prefaced by "For those of you just joining us," and concluded by "And now, the conclusion...". Dromiceiomimus: But what if that was obviously the first thing I did and I'm still short? T-Rex: Then it's time to break out the BIG GUNS. Utahraptor: Prefacing random sentences with selected semantically-empty interest phrases? T-Rex: YOU KNOW IT! T-Rex: Adding "Interestingly enough", "Trust me when I say", and "Though some initial reporting suggested differently, in the fullness of time it soon became clear that" before any sentence EASILY punches up that word count! Utahraptor: And don't forget adding a few "...or so it appeared"s after your sentences too! Narrator: CONGRATULATIONS Narrator: THOUGH SOME INITIAL REPORTING SUGGESTED DIFFERENTLY, IN THE FULLNESS OF TIME IT SOON BECAME CLEAR THAT Narrator (punchline): YOUR PAPER IS AWESOME NOW

The words "catch me if you can" appear overnight on your lawn, surrounded by snowmen. Security footage shows only 3:17 of static before the words and snowmen appear in what was previously pristine snow. No footsteps are found entering or leaving the area.

Narrator: CASE FILE #4526 SNOW "MEN" T-Rex: Thank you all for coming. By now you are familiar with the "Frosty" snow golem and his rampage here and there, all around the square. T-Rex: Our belief, based on the traffic cop's testimony, was that an "old silk hat" was responsible! T-Rex: We were wrong. The [word obscured by a black bar] protocol has confirmed our worst fears: while "Frosty"'s MOVEMENT was exceptional and initiated by the "old silk hat" (Case File #4523), his sentience was not. To be perfectly clear, Agents: while they live and die fully immobile, each and every snow man, woman, and child is a living, sentient creature. T-Rex: And they have been surveilling us for generations. T-Rex: They stand outside our homes, businesses, and critical infrastructure with their frozen eyes, watching us even as they melt. T-Rex: We don't know how - or where - they report their findings. All we DO know is our children have been... modified by them. Experiments show even children raised in tropical climates spontaneously begin manifesting golems when exposed to snow. They say it's "fun". Utahraptor: Even adults are not immune. T-Rex: Every culture on Earth that has snow builds these creatures, and we never wondered why. We were fools. Blind, damned fools. T-Rex (punchline): Anyway your new mission is to lie about how rad Earth's defences are to any snowman you encounter. Dismissed!

um actually things can start pushing their way out of your face even while within the womb, so keep that in mind when considering whether or not to become a human

T-Rex: Shortly after you're born THINGS start pushing their way out of your face. You can't stop or control them. Your parents can cut them free in horror but more will keep coming because they've ROOTED inside you, deep within your skin. T-Rex: If this sounds familiar, you may already be a human! Dromiceiomimus: It's not just the top of their faces, T-Rex. They have it on the edge of their EYELIDS. Some CULTIVATE it around their MOUTHS. Their mouths! T-Rex: Organic matter that they can't kill because IT'S ALREADY DEAD is secreting out of their bodies, and you know what their response is? They STYLE IT. They say "oh neat, this dead stuff that INVOLUNTARILY PUSHED ITS WAY OUT OF MY HEAD would look really neato in a bun." T-Rex: It's like always-on slow-motion Play-Doh Fun Factories, ALL OVER THEIR BODIES. Utahraptor: Sometimes they can stop it! Utahraptor: Some humans develop "baldness", which prevents protein filaments from forcing themselves out of at least PARTS of their heads. T-Rex: Oh, what blessed relief. Utahraptor: But they can still emit from backs and knuckles and armpits and legs and necks and toes. T-Rex: AHHHHHH T-Rex: "I wish the straight snakelike excretions coming out of MY body were more like your curly ones. One day I will spend ACTUAL MONEY on ones that other humans cut off of their bodies and wear them on top of my head like a hat" T-Rex (punchline): -- HUMANS??

i'm not sure what "podcast" is but is it "podcast" to walk around talking about jimmy olsen?? did I just do "podcast" or what

T-Rex: Hello and welcome to Super-Fan, the #1 talk show for fans of Superman! T-Rex: Today we're talking about Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen! T-Rex: Here is a man who is known primarily in relation to another person. He's not "Star Reporter Jimmy Olsen" or "Enthusiastic And Inventive Lover Jimmy Olsen"; his main claim to fame is being another more successful guy's friend. How does that make him feel? What does he think about when he's lying awake in bed at 3 in the morning?? Utahraptor: Probably how awesome it is that Superman's his friend? T-Rex: PROBABLY, yeah!! T-Rex: Dude has ZERO PROBLEMS anymore. Car stuck in a ditch? Hey let me call my friend, A LITERAL SUPER MAN. Being mugged? Wow if only there was some kind of GOD-LIKE SPACE ALIEN I could call to help out! Utahraptor: Perhaps via some sort of SIGNALLING WATCH? One which I'm LITERALLY ALWAYS WEARING?? JIMMY OUT, FOOLS. T-Rex: In conclusion, I've never read any of the Jimmy Olsen comics, but if they don't each end with him saying "Jimmy out, fools" then our culture still has a LONG way to go before perfection. T-Rex: THANKS FOR LISTENING TO MY PODCAST, EVERYONE! T-Rex (punchline): IT'S REAL SHORT

the proportional speed and strength didn't replace her original human speed and strength but were instead added to them, so she could still get around easily. that's good! that's some good luck, peta!

T-Rex: One day Peta Parka II - the daughter of my original character Peta Parka - was bitten by a radioactive... T-Rex: ...wait for it... T-Rex: ...WAIT FOR IT... T-Rex: DINOSAUR!! T-Rex: Peta Parka II was a human, but thanks to the bite she INSTANTLY gained the proportional speed and strength of a dinosaur! However, the dinosaur that chomped her was way larger than she was - 6.8 metric tons to her 70 kilos, so she ended up with but a tiny fraction of its speed and power. T-Rex: Like, 1% of it. T-Rex: BECAUSE THAT'S HOW PROPORTIONALITY WORKS. Utahraptor: So her jaws were surging with 1% of its power and might? T-Rex: 1.029 percent, to be precise!! T-Rex: I mean, once she recovered from the dinosaur bite, that is. It took a while; dinosaurs don't mess around. Utahraptor: Ah. T-Rex: Yeah, it was touch and go for a bit. But she pulled through!! T-Rex: Oh, and I forgot to mention the best part! She also lost some of her MAMMALIAN WEAKNESSES, like giving birth to live young. Eggs with protobabies inside come out of her now!! Off panel: Huh. T-Rex (punchline): As in, "Huh, T-Rex fixed humans"? I AGREE!!

"Maybe the problem our ancestors had was that they didn't know disease could live in water if you didn't boil it." "That was among their many problems, yes."

T-Rex: You know what we do in photos? SMILE. T-Rex: You know what everyone knows we're doing just because it's a photo? SMILING. T-Rex: So maybe it's time we drop the act, huh? When someone whips out a camera, instead of smiling, give it that "oh wow you just whipped out a camera" look. Dromiceiomimus: The thousand-yard dead-eye stare? T-Rex: PRECISELY. Utahraptor: But we're the few children of history who GET to smile in our visual records! T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Early photography took SO LONG that everyone's dour resting face was the norm! And painting's even longer. Past generations WANTED to look cool and good but had to settle for an eternity of "wow what's THEIR problem??". So we should smile, not just for US, but for all who came before us and couldn't!! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: Say "cheese"! T-Rex: I'm smiling not NECESSARILY because I'm happy but because I've been convinced my ancestors would want me to!! Off panel: Whoah Off panel (punchline): That's the worst failure at saying the word "cheese" that I've ever personally witnessed

JUST FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'M J-ING SOME VERY PARTICULAR Os RIGHT NOW

T-Rex: You know what everyone does ALL THE TIME, but none of us talk about? JUDGING OTHERS. But now we can talk about it, through the magic of "euphemisms"! T-Rex: FROM NOW ON, "judging others" will be known as "J.O.", or "J-ing O"! T-Rex: And I'm through feeling ashamed about it! I don't care who knows it: I myself J.O. on the regular!! Dromiceiomimus: Hah! How regular? T-Rex: Frig man, who's counting? Several times a day, easy. There's days I've done it before I even get out of bed! Dromiceiomimus: Man, I hear that Utahraptor: You ever... J.O. in public?? T-Rex: I mean, I prefer not to get caught, but sure! T-Rex: And I WILL ADMIT that, as a technique to keep my road rage to a minimum, YES, I have J-ed some Os while driving. Utahraptor: How many Os? T-Rex: Back to back really. These Os aren't gonna J themselves, you know? No Os left unJ-ed over here. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): OH, REAL MATURE EVERYONE

look upon my time travel theories, ye mighty, and despair... but also be honestly kinda impressed

T-Rex: Time travel is a great resource to have because you can travel to the future, take inventions, and "invent" them yourself in the present! T-Rex: Free technology! T-Rex: HOWEVER, it kinda breaks down for the past. You can't go back in time and get Michelangelo to paint different ceilings, because then you've changed the future and you might not exist anymore, womp womp. So: time travel good for future tech, bad for new works from the past greats. Utahraptor: You have a solution? T-Rex: Obviously I do! It only took a little... TIME?? T-Rex: PARALLEL UNIVERSES. Travel there and THEN go back in time, and you can mess things up as much as you want, PLUS you can give Shakey a push in another direction then you get NEW SHAKESPEARE PLAYS written at the peak of his powers. It's an infinite, inexhaustible resource of brilliant art! T-Rex: Tell your friends! I'm giving away these PRIME TIPS so that when time travel IS invented, everyone knows the first person to come back in time and get even primer ideas from!! T-Rex (punchline): IT'S ME, I'M GREAT, LET ALL POSSIBLE HISTORIES RECORD THAT I THINK ABOUT THIS STUFF ALL THE TIME

HO HO HO HO HO HO revel in His immortal chant HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO tonight He comes HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO

T-Rex: An ageless elder god slumbers in the Arctic, sole remnant of a long-dead, unknowable race. His body is not of flesh and blood, but of bones, teeth, and cartilage, barely contained in a straining red and white suit: a shambling parody of life. Narrator: CASE 1023 Narrator: "SANTA" T-Rex: For millennia His mind has reached out from the Arctic, shaping our dreams, twisting our perceptions until the only image anyone can retain when not directly looking at Him is the implanted memory of a smiling, jolly old man. Dromiceiomimus: Every year He awakens from his frozen slumber. Every year He comes to us all. T-Rex: Every year we try to stop Him and every year we fail. Utahraptor: Agents, you will know Him by His gifts left behind. T-Rex: All are illusions. Utahraptor: Their horrifying true nature is incomprehensible, our gibbering madness instantly subsumed by happy memories of toys and chocolate the second we look away. Estimates put 10% of all consumer goods in the world as being His. T-Rex: We CLOTHE OURSELVES in them. We EAT them. We share them with our KIDS. T-Rex: Specially-drugged Agents have retained glimpses of the true nature of His gifts, but at the cost of shattering their sanity beyond any recovery. WHAT PRESENTS DOES HE BRING US?? T-Rex (punchline): I suppose we'll all briefly find out tonight. Happy holidays, Agents, and a very merry Christmas!!

PREDICTIONS FOR 2015: "ultracrap" gets added to the O.E.D., "bojo" gets added to the O.E.D., "ultrabojo" gets added to the O.E.D.

T-Rex: Why do we celebrate New Year's Day on January 1st? Isn't choosing any point in the year entirely arbitrary? T-Rex: Why would we, as rational adults, celebrate something arbitrary?? Dromiceiomimus: The same could be said of birthdays, T-Rex! Sure, they're the day you're born, but you're not really YOU yet. And even if you did appear as a fully-fledged adult, it's still arbitrary, as a C-section could've made it some other day! T-Rex: A C-section? Dromiceiomimus: Crack section. Where you crack a section of the egg to let the baby out sooner. T-Rex: OF COURSE T-Rex: So are all anniversaries arbitrary? Utahraptor: Pretty much! Utahraptor: Even romantic anniversaries are just the day you met or first dated or married or whatever. Your relationship now is obviously more evolved than it was then! All we're really celebrating is the FUTURE, using some event in the past whose chain of causality led us to today. T-Rex: So when we say "happy new year" we're actually saying "here's hoping all the ultracrap we went through this year will somehow lead to a better, less terrible tomorrow?" Off panel: Yep! T-Rex: OH MAN T-Rex (punchline): HAPPY NEW YEAR

this comic started life when i almost posted that first tip to twitter from my laptop-warmed bed, but couldn't figure out how to stop it from sounding like the loneliest twitter post ever

T-Rex: Try leaving a laptop running in your bed a few hours before bedtime! There'll be a warm spot when you move it, as if a loved one had been sleeping and just briefly stepped out before you arrived! Narrator: GEAR GUIDE Narrator: WITH A DEPRESSED T-REX T-Rex: There's tons of great chat apps available for your e-reader, phone, tablet, or phablet! Be sure to use one with "chatbots": the latest artificial intelligences designed to fool you into thinking they're a real person! These "chatbots" will talk to you about anything you want for as long as you'd like. Who needs friends, anyway?? Utahraptor: Speaking of e-readers, be sure to load them up with lots of free ebooks! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: Many of the classics are out of copyright, and there's more free ebooks coming out every day. Utahraptor: Fun fact: you could read every day all day for your entire life and NEVER catch up! T-Rex: In a very real way, there's no point to it. T-Rex: For more tech tips, go to Google and type in "tech tips"! There's literally millions of them. T-Rex (punchline): *sigh*

don't even ACT like english prefixes aren't productive around me or you will get an idiomegapanomnischooling

T-Rex: People STILL think "For sale: baby shoes, never worn" is the saddest six word story! This is OBJECTIVELY FALSE ("Everyone just pretends to like you" is even SADDER) (AND TRUE, OH SNAP), but six words is straight-up amateur hour. T-Rex: I can do the saddest FIVE word story: "For sale: baby shoes, unworn"! T-Rex: Tada!! Dromiceiomimus: Not bad, not bad. But the mettle of any true writer is measured by a sad story in a mere FOUR words. T-Rex: Pfft. "Sale: unworn baby shoes". DONE. And before you ask for three words, may I just say... T-Rex: "For sale: BABY." T-Rex: SO SAD! They're selling the baby because they need the money and babies are expensive!! Utahraptor: Ah. Utahraptor: But let's cut to the chase: can you do a sad TWO-word story? T-Rex: NO PROBLEM: "Baby sale". Or, for the shoes: "Debabyfied Minishoes". Utahraptor: Amazing! But now I must give you your ULTIMATE CHALLENGE: the saddest ONE-WORD story!! T-Rex: Watch as I invoke the sale of two (duo) new (neo) pre-baby (protonatal) artificial (pseudo) feet enclosements (circumpod or pedi)! In other words, or rather, word: DUONEOPROTONATALPSEUDOCIRCUMPEDISALE. T-Rex (punchline): And YES, if I had a mic on me I'd be dropping it SO HARD RIGHT NOW, PEACE

i'm not even making this up. the two best quotes about him are that he "had more impact on the atmosphere than any other single organism in Earth's history" (J. R. McNeill) and that he had "an instinct for the regrettable that was almost uncanny" (Bill Bryson).

T-Rex: Let's say you're an ancient seaborne intelligence who can alter mortal minds and hates other life and wants to raise sea levels so that it can drown the Earth. What do you do? I'll tell you what you do: you take over one man's mind and use him as a pawn!! T-Rex: You make this ONE MAN do your bidding, changing the climate as effectively as possible! T-Rex: But let's be scientific about this: if my "ghastly underwater mind" theory is true, then we should be able to go back in time and find one man - one single person - who seemed hellbent on destroying the planet. And do we? HECK YES WE DO. One Thomas Midgley, Jr. The man synthesized Freon, aka the first CFC. Remember them? The chemicals responsible for DEPLETING THE FRIGGIN' OZONE?? Utahraptor: But SOMEONE had to invent CFCs, right? T-Rex: If that's where he stopped, I'd agree with you! T-Rex: But Thomas also invented LEADED GASOLINE. The dude dumped NEUROTOXINS into GASOLINE, and ignored it when his staff became plagued with INSANITY. From LEAD-POISONING. You know, before they DIED. Yeah, that DEFINITELY doesn't sound like the work of a hateful intelligence that despises ALL LIFE BUT ITSELF. T-Rex: Thomas died only after ACCIDENTALLY STRANGLING HIMSELF in a system of pullies he invented. An accident? Or the last act of his original mind, desperate to end his reign of destruction?? T-Rex (punchline): In conclusion, the oceans are terrifying and will swallow us all, the end

SUCK ALL THE ITS AVAILABLE, WET SAND

T-Rex: How come nobody is afraid of quicksand any more? In the 50s, everyone was afraid of getting caught in quicksand all the time! T-Rex: "It's A Wonderful Life" originally featured FIVE separate quicksand scenes! T-Rex: "Ben-Hur"? QUICKSAND. "12 Angry Men"? Originally pitched as "12 Angry Men, Angry Because Of Quicksand, They're In It". "Some Like It Hot" was initially about quicksand temperature preferences, before receiving a relatively substantial rewrite! T-Rex: But now? NOTHING. Plus, PLUS, I can't name a SINGLE top 40 song about getting stuck in quicksand at da club. Utahraptor: Maybe because quicksand's not a threat, yo! T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Where are you going to find a mud puddle so deep that you can go over your head ON ACCIDENT? And even if you DID, any sand dense enough to prevent you from swimming out would be dense enough to make you float. You'd sink only until you displaced enough sand to make you buoyant, and then it's smooth sailing! T-Rex: So what you're saying is, nobody cares about quicksand any more because it's no longer a threat to us because WE BEAT QUICKSAND!! T-Rex: Woo! Our civilization is now stronger than GIANT PUDDLES!! T-Rex (punchline): SUCK IT, WET SAND

we will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. your culture will adapt to service us.

T-Rex: The time: 1492. Columbus sets foot off his boat onto a land he'd like to name "Columbustopia 2000" but has recently been convinced to call "America" for now. T-Rex: He's on what appears to be a pristine shore, a perfect scene of wilderness!! T-Rex: Of course, we all know what happened next. Once he and his men left the beach, the forest wilderness shimmered and faded, revealing its holographic nature. Columbus was about to discover the terrible secret of Earth: that America was not a continent. It was a SPACESHIP: an ancient crashed colony ship from a race of expansionist, technology-obsessed ALIENS held in suspended animation. T-Rex: And he'd just woken them up. Utahraptor: The war with the reanimated spaceship crew was disastrous! T-Rex: For native Earth life, absolutely! T-Rex: Their superior tech and inhuman biological warfare techniques nearly wiped intelligent life off the planet. Disease emptied entire cities of their inhabitants, unknown futuristic weaponry killing those that remained. A brutal regime of assimilation worked to wipe out any remaining Earth culture. But... SOME survived! Narrator: HISTORY: Narrator: •ARGUABLY MORE INTERESTING WHEN YOU FLIP IT AROUND Narrator (punchline): •DEFINITELY MORE INTERESTING WHEN YOU REALIZE EUROPEANS WERE THE BORG ALL ALONG

OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT A PROPER WISH MANAGEMENT SCHEMA

T-Rex: Man, it's cold out! I wish it were warmer outside! God: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR T-REX T-Rex: Okay!! T-Rex: Wait... WHY? Are wishes REAL all of a sudden? T-Rex: Because unless someone's mass-producing magic lamps I can accidentally rub to have my wishes LITERALLY BECOME TRUE AS I SAY THEM, I think we as a people can PROBABLY stop warning each other about the proper safety protocols to be observed around MAGICAL ARTIFACTS WHICH DO NOT ACTUALLY EXIST. Wish for whatever you want! And let me know if you find any ACTUAL IMMORTAL GENIES who can ALTER THE FABRIC OF REALITY, but only if some random schlub asks them to. T-Rex: Why is our culture spending so much energy preparing for fake ideas?? Utahraptor: Because they're fun to think about! T-Rex: PERHAPS, but instead of "be careful what you wish for" wouldn't it be better to say "be careful what you eat, because atherosclerotic heart disease, the leading cause of death in the world, can be prevented through exercise, a healthy diet, and lower cholesterol levels"?? Utahraptor: OH MY GOD Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Even a broken clock is right twice a day! And it's right even more often if "long-term exposure to particulate air pollution is linked with increased risk of cardiovascular disease" is printed on its face. T-Rex (punchline): ...Okay WOW I kinda want to unfriend myself??

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...... vember Rain is also good in much along the same lines

T-Rex: Remember the 90s? WELL I FOR ONE DO, and the world is not producing more 90s hits! The 90s hits we've got are the only 90s hits we'll EVER HAVE. T-Rex: AHHHHHHHHHHHH Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, we can - we can easily produce more 90s hits. We just need to bite that 90s style and we're set! T-Rex: But those aren't TRUE 90s hits: they're fan fiction! Such songs cannot TRULY duplicate the ineffable essential 90s-ness of an ultimate 90s hit! Such as oh I don't know "SEMI-CHARMED LIFE"? Dromiceiomimus: Okay that's actually fine since we've invented better music now anyway Utahraptor: You're talking about 1890s hits? "My Sturdy Mules Pull My Darling's Plow" and stuff? T-Rex: No! 1990s!! Utahraptor: Oh, I thought you were referring to the 1890s hits: you know, the songs that are MEGA FORGOTTEN because EVERYONE WHO LOVED THEM IS DEAD NOW?? Incidentally, the same fate that awaits even the BIGGEST, SHINIEST TUNE from the 1990s?? T-Rex: Noooooooooooo T-Rex (punchline): ooooooo Rain is another 90s hit I really enjoy

I just hope those space pics were worth it, NERDS!! Oh, they were? Can I see them? They look really neat. Oh cool, is that what a quasar looks like?

T-Rex: Often we'll set up a ship or probe so they whip around the planets (including Earth), getting a sweet speed boost as they do so! This allows us to produce ultra-velocity spacecraft, effectively for free! T-Rex: GREAT IDEA, RIGHT?? T-Rex: Except NOTHING IS FOR FREE (in physics anyway, THANKS REALITY). So where's this speed coming from? Oh, I'll tell you where it's coming from: every spacecraft we slingshot around a planet SLOWS DOWN THE ORBIT OF THAT PLANET. And it's not like we have the means to speed it up again!! T-Rex: And guess what? We do gravitational assists with Earth ON THE REGULAR! T-Rex: Plus, if we slow down Earth too much WE CRASH INTO THE SUN. Great work, SCIENTISTS! Way to invent a DOOMSDAY DEVICE / ORBITAL TECHNIQUE! Utahraptor: Pfft. Utahraptor: We'd stop before that happened. More likely: the year gets a day longer, and we make it a holiday to celebrate ALL THE FRANKLY AWESOME SPACEFLIGHT WE'VE BEEN DOING. T-Rex: Hey! When you put it that way, I'm on board!! Off panel: Also: we could slingshot a probe around Earth EVERY DAY for a million years and still not get that free holiday, so don't hold your breath. T-Rex (punchline): Hey! When you put it that way, I'm sad and going back to bed!!

this is EXACTLY how we lost Reverse Valentine's Day, "the day where all love runs in full reverse"

God: T-REX IF YOU SLOW DOWN THE EARTH'S ORBIT YOU GET A SHORTER YEAR NOT A LONGER ONE T-Rex: What? God: YOU SLOW DOWN A PLANET YOU SHRINK ITS ORBITAL RADIUS T-Rex: Huh?? God: IF YOU SLOW DOWN A PLANET'S ORBIT IT DOESN'T STAY IN THE SAME ORBIT God: BUT RATHER THAT ORBIT GETS SMALLER God: SO IF YOU SLOWED DOWN THE EARTH YOU WOULDN'T GET AN EXTRA HOLIDAY God: YOU'D LOSE ONE T-Rex: Utahraptor!! Utahraptor: You hollered? T-Rex: You were WRONG, bro! T-Rex: You tried to play off slowing down the Earth like we'd all get an extra holiday, but we're actually gonna LOSE holidays! What are we going to cancel, huh?? CHRISTMAS? BOXING DAY? VALENTINE'S DAY? BOXING DAY (OBSERVED)?? Utahraptor: That one. T-Rex: Wait, yeah, that one is obviously the one we'll dump. Narrator: AND THAT'S THE TRUE STORY OF WHY WE ONLY HAVE ONE BOXING DAY NOW. T-Rex (punchline): What an amazing and true AND ALSO EXTREMELY SATISFYING tale!

Sherlock Baby puffed on his pacifier like an older Sherlock Toddler would puff on a bubble pipe like an older Adult Sherlock would puff his vape pipe. Sherlock Baby gurgled happily. "Ewementawwy," Sherlock Toddler said.

T-Rex: "Case closed" Sherlock said, closing a case file. "That's one more mystery solved, and I say, about 5000 more experience points to add to the lot!" T-Rex: He quickly deduced his "detective senses" were now rated in the mid-billions! Dromiceiomimus: Wait - by which standards are we measuring detective senses? T-Rex: Oh, um, let's say the average person has a detective sense of 1, and a highly trained detective can develop their detective senses to... say, 100? Dromiceiomimus: So Sherlock is as good as FIVE BILLION regular detectives. If Earth's ENTIRE POPULATION was DETECTIVES in 1987, they'd equal ONE Sherlock Holmes. T-Rex: He's real good, you know? Utahraptor: And real boring! Utahraptor: You've successfully made me no longer care about Sherlock Holmes! Now I want to hear about the PLANET SHERLOCK, where everyone's a detective, especially the babies! T-Rex: And then Moriarty crash-lands there and tries to take over: the only criminal on a planet of crimefighters? Yes. Oh GOD yes. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary: I can't write any more because everything I write is about Moriarty trying to pull a fast one on a team of Sherlock Babies! T-Rex (punchline): Not a complaint, diary!! NOT A COMPLAINT AT ALL.

we can't stop here, this is don kikong country

God: T-REX I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW SOMEONE'S MOVED INTO TOWN T-Rex: Yes? God: WHOSE NAME T-Rex: Yes?? God: IS MARIO PARTEE [no text] T-Rex: I am totally cool about this and have no reaction at allllLLLLLLLL I'M SORRY I CAN'T DO IT I'M SORRY BUT MARIO PARTEE YOUR NAME IS LITERALLY "MARIO PARTEE"!! Dromiceiomimus: If Mario Partee had a kid he could name it "Mario Partee 2". T-Rex: AHHHHHH I CAN'T EVEN DEAL T-Rex: Utahraptor, is it bad to be friends with someone just because of their name? Utahraptor: Yep! T-Rex: Okay, but is it bad to FIRST be friends because of the name, but then later become REAL friends? Utahraptor: I... guess not? That IS what you did with Don Kikong. T-Rex: OH MY GOD, HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT DON KIKONG?? T-Rex: HE STOPPED TALKING TO ME AFTER I REFUSED TO STOP ADDRESSING HIM BY ONLY HIS FULL NAME AT ALL TIMES T-Rex: AND YET T-Rex (punchline): I STILL LOVE HIM FOREVER

a food science professional working on a blackboard, drenched in sweat, wiping it clean in fits of frustration only to frantically scribble down more notes. they finally flop into their desk, utterly defeated. the camera pans up to the blackboard, upon which "red things?" is circled several times, then crossed out, next to which is scrawled "white things??"

T-Rex: Looking to lose weight? Look no more! You've found the ultimate guide to weight loss, with... Narrator: T-REX'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS T-Rex: To lose weight, ensure your caloric input is LESS than your caloric output for the day. Dromiceiomimus: Tada! T-Rex: ANY QUESTIONS?? Utahraptor: What about monounsaturated fats versus polyunsaturated fats? And why is cholesterol still a thing? T-Rex: Um Utahraptor: Is "refined sugar" better or worse? Are eggs good again now or what? Is BMI still used and if so: seriously? Which food group sucks the least and which blows the hardest? If I eat only green stuff, is that better than eating only white things? T-Rex: I- Utahraptor: WHAT ABOUT RED THINGS?? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Off panel: Yes? T-Rex (punchline): Ummmm I just want you to know that your last two questions have TRULY BLOWN MY MIND??

I have a medical reason why I can't rock a rhyme that's right on time, a medical reason. A medical reason, a medical reason, a medical reason, a medical rrrrrrrrreason

T-Rex: I am a guy who is not that great a dancer. Ummm... T-Rex: SORRY, I GUESS?? T-Rex: So I looked into it and it turns out beat deafness is a thing! I could have an ACTUAL BRAIN THING that prevents me from hearing beats, which could ALSO explain several other things, including why I find it so tricky to rock a rhyme that's right on time!! Dromiceiomimus: That's tricky? T-Rex: Tricky Dromiceiomimus: Tricky T-Rex: Trrrrrrricky Utahraptor: You're not alone in this, you know! T-Rex: Really? Utahraptor: Yep! Lots of animals can't detect beats either... including DOGS. T-Rex: OH MY GOD. This only serves to bring me closer to my ultimate fantasy of BECOMING a dog! If ONLY there were some handy mnemonic to remember this fact?? Utahraptor: *ahem* Off panel: It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time, for doggies! T-Rex: Doggies Off panel: Doggies T-Rex: Doggies Off panel (punchline): Doggies

NO i did not just lose some data because I BACK MY DATA UP. Beats me, man. Beats me why most dudes don't back up their data. Sure as hell ain't my scene.

God: HEY God: HEY YOU God: YEAH YOU God: THE HUMAN READING THIS COMIC God: IS YOUR DATA FRIGGIN BACKED UP BECAUSE IT ISN'T IS IT God: WELL BACK IT UP God: YOU'RE THINKING HAH HAH MY DATA IS PERFECTLY SAFE I'M JUST GONNA KEEP READING THIS COMIC AND THERE'S DEFINITELY NO WAY MY DOCUMENTS ARE GOING TO DISAPPEAR EXACTLY FIFTEEN SECONDS FROM RIGHT God: ABOUT God: NOW God: AND DON'T TELL ME YOU USE A CLOUD-BASED SOLUTION God: THOSE CAN FAIL TOO God: OR GO BANKRUPT God: SO ANYWAY THIS IS ME TELLING YOU TO AT LEAST PUT YOUR IMPORTANT FILES ON A USB STICK SOMEWHERE God: OKAY God: GOOD God: NOW LET'S SEE WHAT T-REX IS UP TO SHALL WE T-Rex: Rhumba thumba, farts and shoes: I thought this boner belonged to yous! God: HAH HAH HAH God: AWESOME God (punchline): TOTALLY WORTH IT

there are a lot of characters with short names in dinosaur comics because if i have a character named "Lord Longfirstname the Extremelylargenumber" then all there's room for him to do in most panels is say his name and that's it. EXCEPT FOR DROMICEIOMIMUS, AND I LOVE HER

T-Rex: One day Rachel was blasted back in time a thousand years! It was a surprise to be blasted back in time, but at least she had her phone on her. She figured with it she could be a GOD, blowing these old-timey minds! T-Rex: But then she looked around and realized the past didn't have any power outlets! T-Rex: So she kind of impressed a few people, but since there wasn't the larger cultural context for what she was showing them, all they understood was, BASICALLY, she had a flashlight. And Rachel realized she had to ration out turning her phone on, because soon the batteries would die. So she only showed it to kings and queens, who understood it as a "weird candle". Kinda disappointing. Utahraptor: Maybe Rach should spend her time trying to generate electricity! T-Rex: Oh sure! No big deal, right?? T-Rex: Except her phone requires a precise, sustained 150mA AC voltage and she had no idea how to generate that. So instead she threw her phone in a bog, confident that when it was discovered centuries from now it'd BLOW EVERYONE'S MIND. Then she, I don't know, farted around for a bit and died of plague. Narrator: THE END Narrator: P.S.: RACHEL'S PHONE WAS NEVER FOUND BECAUSE NOBODY WAS LOOKING AND THE EARTH IS HUGE Narrator (punchline): THERE IS NO MORAL

YES, this works especially well for James Bond movies: "When This Single Father Says 'Live And Let Die', The Reason Why Will Make You Cry", "The 13 Greatest Things That Only Come From Russia, And No, Love Isn't #1!", "This Man Discovered One Weird Trick That Lets Him Live... TWICE! Doctors Hate Him", "I Dare You To Watch This Video And Then Tell Me That The World Is Enough"

T-Rex: One day Jim clicked on a link for "8 Things You're Doing Wrong Every Day... Number 6 Will Blow Your Mind" and number 6 truly did blow his mind. He shook. He wept like his soul was emptying itself of a lifetime of burden. T-Rex: Jim had become the person clickbait headline writers think we ALL are! T-Rex: He'd watch videos of people bringing pets on planes and literally COULD NOT BELIEVE what happened next: his opinions as to what had happened next were the platonic form of scepticism: perfect, universal. He would read Eleven Facts About Cats You'll Never Forget and HE WOULD TAKE THOSE FACTS TO HIS GRAVE. His faith in humanity was being destroyed and restored ON THE REGULAR. Utahraptor: Jim sounds awful. T-Rex: He really was!! T-Rex: He had no personality of his own, no opinions, no identity beyond what some scammy website trading the stolen time of strangers for some ad money told him to have. But his suggestibility did make him EXTREMELY USEFUL as an assassin, as long as you kept him away from the internet! T-Rex: Hence my new series: "I Left My Superspy Assassin Husband At Home With His License To Kill And This Happened! I Can't Believe It!" T-Rex (punchline): Subtitled: "The Evil Dictator He Assassinated Next Will Blow Your Mind"??

this one goes out to Guy On The Streetcar Who I Guess His Phone Battery Died?? Dude I Can Only Imagine What Your Deal Is

Narrator: HEY I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU'RE READING OVER MY SHOULDER T-Rex: What the hell, dude! YES, YOU. T-Rex: You, the dude reading this comic over someone else's shoulder!! T-Rex: It's creepy. Get your own computer. Dromiceiomimus: Or book, if this comic has been collected in book form! T-Rex: Maybe it's been printed out and stuck onto a fridge! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: GET YOUR OWN FRIDGE, LOSER!! Utahraptor: I can't believe he's still reading! T-Rex: Who does that? Utahraptor: THIS friggin' guy. T-Rex: Yeah, this friggin' guy who doesn't know he's ACTUALLY reading over the shoulder of a CRAZED AXE MURDERER, and that this comic's gonna end by telling the axe murderer to go for it. Utahraptor: Go nuts, axe murderer! This dude wants to be axe murdered so bad!! If he didn't, he'd stop reading riiiiight... now!! Document: To whom it may concern: Document: This panel is to affirm that [blank] (your name) was reading a comic at the time of the murder, and is therefore absolutely not guilty of any crimes you may or may not be investigating. Signature (punchline): Ryan North

ALSO IF YOU HAVE AN IMAGE OF YOURSELF LICENSED UNDER THE CREATIVE COMMONS BY-SA 3.0 UNPORTED LICENSE THAT WOULD SAVE ME A LOT OF TIME

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX I LOVE CLASSIC GAMING AND I WOULD LIKE TO INQUIRE AS TO YOUR OPINION OF CLASSIC GAMING T-Rex: Everyone loves classic video games! Devil: EXCELLENT T-Rex: Well, more accurately: I guess MOST people love classic video games? T-Rex: ...Okay, a BUNCH of people like classic video games. T-Rex: FINE: there exists a set of people who are like, "modern video games are good, but you know what'd make them even better? If they were 30 years old with worse graphics." Utahraptor: "I would enjoy this game much more if there was only one, or perhaps two, button(s) to press." T-Rex: "Modern games are too easy to understand; I wish graphics still were little more than a cubist representation of the abstract concept of 'violence'." Utahraptor: "I first encountered this aesthetic as a child and it is, therefore, objectively cool and good" Devil: T-REX DID YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU LOOK UP "WRONG" ON WIKIPEDIA THERE IS AN IMAGE OF YOU Devil: OR RATHER THERE WILL BE Devil (punchline): FOR I MUST WARN YOU I REQUIRE ONLY APPROXIMATELY TWO MINUTES TO MAKE THIS DREAM A REALITY

and me all this time thinking it was non-non-NON heinous

Narrator: MAILBAG TIME WITH T-REX T-Rex: Our first letter comes from... Johnny the Ghost?? What? T-Rex: JOHNNY DIED AND BECAME A GHOST?? T-Rex: I never said goodbye to Johnny! I never told him how much I appreciated his friendship!! Dromiceiomimus: Well, if he's a ghost now, you can still tell him. T-Rex: True, but I also never told him how glad I was that he was corporeal so that we could hug easily!! EVEN THOUGH I THOUGHT THAT ALL THE TIME. Utahraptor: What's this about Johnny? T-Rex: He died and he's a ghost now! Utahraptor: Oh, wow! So life DOES continue on after death? Let's go meet him; I have a lot of questions about dying. Like, does it feel cool, or is it bogus? T-Rex: "Bogus"? Utahraptor: I'm bringing it back! Come on! Let's go find out how bogus dying is!! Narrator: LATER, IT TURNS OUT DYING'S PRETTY BOGUS: T-Rex: Maaaaaaaaan!! T-Rex (punchline): Well THAT'S disappointing

and it's like, HELLO, why would I ever want to be friends with people whose opinions are objectively WORSE than mine??

Devil: T-REX DO YOU THINK PIXEL ART CAN EVER BE RECOGNIZED AS A TRUE VALID AND ESSENTIAL ART FORM Devil: OR IS IT RATHER AN AESTHETIC DOOMED BY THE PREJUDICES OTHERS APPLY TO ITS ORIGINS T-Rex: Yeah, it's okay! Devil: INTERESTING Devil: INTERESTING Devil: I WOULD CONCEDE THAT WHILE PIXEL ART IS STILL AWAITING ITS MONA LISA OR SISTINE CHAPEL CEILING THE MEDIUM IS INCREDIBLY YOUNG Devil: AND I FULLY EXPECT THAT WITHIN A FEW GENERATIONS WE WILL HAVE PRODUCED A SET OF ARTISTS WHOSE GENIUS RIVALS EVEN THE GREATEST MASTERS OF OLD T-Rex: Sure! I mean, it's okay! Utahraptor: Hey, what's okay now? T-Rex: Pixel art! I guess. T-Rex: I don't think about it that much. Utahraptor: Yeah, I like it. Do you think it's important to stay true to hardware limitations (ie: using only 16 or 256 colours) or can the style be divorced from its technological origin - and if so, does that cost it something essential? T-Rex: Um... probably it's one of those things you said?? Devil: T-REX DID YOU KNOW THE OPINIONS OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE OBJECTIVELY BETTER THAN YOURS T-Rex: Yep! Devil: AND YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT T-Rex (punchline): YEP

sir, it's my job to make eye contact with you, approach you and your group of friends, and ask if I can get you a drink. i'm a bar keeper, not a bar creeper.

T-Rex: Some people who have weiners describe them as "a grower, not a show-er". It's ALWAYS handy to have a rhyme to help you remember the properties of your own body AND/OR identity! Narrator: HANDY RHYMES FOR SITUATIONS Narrator: IN CASE YOU NEED THEM T-Rex: If you like music but can't play an instrument, tell people you're "a hummer, not a strummer". If you like sports but get winded and need to take breaks, remind all that you're "a sitter, not a quitter!" If you have sex for money but people think you've been slacking off on the job, tell 'em you're "a sex worker, not a sex shirker!" Dromiceiomimus: That must come up a lot. T-Rex: YOU'D BE SURPRISED T-Rex: If you get naked for money but have no desire for fictional people to be dating, you're "a stripper, not a shipper!" Utahraptor: These are, um... pretty sex-focused? T-Rex: NO REGRETS!! Incidentally, if people keep trying to make telephone calls using your erection, stress that you've got "a boner, not a phone-er". T-Rex: THAT'S RIGHT, WALK AWAY!! T-Rex (punchline): KEEP ACTING LIKE YOU WON'T BE THANKING ME WHEN YOU ENCOUNTER ANNOYING PEOPLE MISUSING BONERS AND HAVE THE PERFECT MOT JUSTE

CREDIBLE CANDIDATES FOR BEING THE TRUE IMPULSE BEHIND ALL HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT: sex, love, greed, wondering what it's like to be a dog

Narrator: DOG FACTS T-Rex: There are many facts about dogs! Here are but a few of them. T-Rex: FACT: Dogs are alive. Some of them, anyway!! [The panel image is blurred and color-shifted, to represent how a dog might see it.] T-Rex: FACT: Dogs are good at smelling but not so good at seeing. They can't even see the colour red! Dromiceiomimus: But red is like the #1 easiest colour to see! T-Rex: I KNOW!! But dogs are all "geez my body isn't built to see this dang colour, geez, I bet I could smell it though". Utahraptor: Could we engineer dogs that smell colours? T-Rex: Maybe! It's like, what do we really know about dogs?? T-Rex: They'd need to smell light, which seems CRAZY. But not impossible? Senses are just different ways we experience data, and you could convert light to smells, right? Utahraptor: But isn't colour a quale: a private, ineffable, subjective experience that can never truly be shared? Do dogs have qualia?? Narrator: DOGS Narrator: • I DUNNO MAN Narrator: • THEY RAISE SOME DEEP QUESTIONS Narrator (punchline): • I DUNNO

i was on an ultimate frisbee team in university and i was really good because of my extreme height, so much so that it felt like i was cheating? like, dudes would be leaping up for the frisbee and i'd just lazily reach up my hand. anyway. ME = MVP

T-Rex: You have an old hunk of plastic, and you don't want it anymore! So you throw it away. Littering's cool to you! Unfortunately, your garbage plastic is disc shaped such that it gathers lift when thrown with sufficient angular momentum! Narrator: FRISBEE AS SHE IS PLAYED T-Rex: But one of your friends is like "Yo, I'll take that", so they run like hell to catch it. But then they're like "Hold on, this is garbage, I don't want this either" and they toss it away too. And you're really excited - free garbage!! - so you run to catch it, only then you realize it's the same plastic you didn't want in the first place. Listen, I - T-Rex: I think you guys might be touched in the head. Utahraptor: Could this task be made more, oh I don't know, XTREME? Perhaps... ULTIMATE? T-Rex: In fact it can! T-Rex: Throw some modified football rules on top and now large groups of people can play "Who Wants The Garbage, I Do, Wait No I Don't". Utahraptor: Ah. T-Rex: We all must find our own path in life, Utahraptor, and for some it's playing "no, YOU throw it out" for points. T-Rex: When the hunk of plastic IS finally successfully put in the garbage, its plastic molecules will last in the ecosystem for thousands of years. Narrator (punchline): THE END

apologies to all the Racism X. Murderbabies out there, just trying to make their way in the world

T-Rex: With a grin on his horribly twisted face, Professor Death activates his Death Ray, directing its powerful radiation towards the city!! T-Rex: Which was great, because his eponymous Death Ray increases overall health and wellness! T-Rex: And as we all know, people's names or what they look like obviously don't determine the kind of person they are. Professor Death was a kind and benevolent inventor, unlike CAPTAIN LIBERTY, a handsome and sexy super-awful villain who kept trying to stymie Professor Death's plans! Dromiceiomimus: That's just so typical of him. God. T-Rex: Captain Liberty, give it a rest. Utahraptor: Friggin' Cap'n Lib. T-Rex: Anyway, they fight, Liberty ends up hanging off a cliff, Professor Death offers his hand, Captain Liberty refuses and falls to his APPARENT death while shouting "Liberty shall not perish from the Earth!!". The end! Utahraptor: Or is it?? T-Rex (punchline): I'm glad you asked, Utahraptor! It's actually not!! He survived and ended up changing his name to "Racism X. Murderbabies" which made us all feel kinda bad about thinking it was a much more appropriate name!!

EGGSHELLS AND WHAT NOT

T-Rex: Let's not treat birthdays as the start of a new year for ourselves. That's BORING. Instead, let's treat them as our nth attempt to beat the roguelike game we call... T-Rex: ..."Life"?? T-Rex: Every birthday is a celebration of DAY ZERO, where everything gets reset, and we see how much better we can do with THESE 365 days than we did the last time around. Dromiceiomimus: So, what, we restart and have to make friends with everyone all over again? T-Rex: No, for as in most modern Roguelikes, there are unlockables that persist between play sessions. Utahraptor: So we keep the friends we already have, and that gives us an advantage in this run. T-Rex: EXACTLY. And they do! T-Rex: But can we unlock MORE friends this year? Better equipment? Heck. I don't know, but I WANNA FIND OUT. Utahraptor: Huh. It kinda works! Life DOES have permadeath. T-Rex: And it's a good thing too, because otherwise chumps would be camping on the spawn points!! T-Rex: ...Wait a second, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT MIDWIVES DO!! AND THEY STEAL ALL OUR LOOT TOO! Off panel: Loot? T-Rex: YOU KNOW T-Rex (punchline): "AFTERBIRTH"

can find

T-Rex: Comics is today's trendy new medium that allows for infinite variation in artistic expression! The comics you draw today can be ENTIRELY DIFFERENT than what you create tomorrow! Narrator: HOT TIPS FOR HOT CARTOONISTS T-Rex: Remember: when drawing your comics, be sure to use all sorts of different shots: close ups, establishing shots, and more. Many beginner cartoonists will find one shot they like and then use it over and over, stopping only when the comic ends. Dromiceiomimus: And don't let your characters "stand" on the panel border! CLASSIC beginner mistake. Utahraptor: Almost as bad as when they hover juuust slightly above it. T-Rex: AGREED T-Rex: Also, don't be afraid to draw backgrounds: yes they take time, but they establish where your characters are in space, and make the comic much more visually satisfying! Utahraptor: Without backgrounds, your characters are lost in a featureless white void from which there can truly be no escape. T-Rex (punchline): And finally, and perhaps most importantly, be sure to make your comic large enough so that you can fit everything you want to say inside the space you've allotted for yourself without having to crowd your characters with words and, in the worst case, cramming extra verbiage into whatever marginalia you

WASTE NOT, WANT NOT: all I'll say is the idea that everyone in poverty has earned it or somehow deserves it is one of the most destructive ones we've got.

T-Rex: Tired of people mindlessly parroting old sayings to you as if they're timeless wisdom? Time for us to T-Rex: CORRECT SOME DAMN APHORISMS T-Rex: NO MAN CAN SERVE TWO MASTERS: so many dom/sub relationships disprove this! Dromiceiomimus: THE CREAM ALWAYS RISES TO THE TOP: not if the liquid the cream is in is less dense than cream. At 20 degrees celsius, 36% fat cream has a density of 0.994 grams/cm3. Therefore, cream will not rise to the top of less-dense liquids, such as rubbing alcohol or vegetable oil. T-Rex: Any saying with "always" in it can be trivially disputed; a single counterexample is all that is required. T-Rex: PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT: practice actually only makes gradual, incremental improvement over time. Utahraptor: OH WELL! T-Rex: TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION: easily disproved by taking any true story and add "...with naked sex aliens on top" to it. Is the truth still stranger? No, it is not. Utahraptor: If it is, add more naked sex aliens. T-Rex: By induction, you WILL eventually end up with more strange fictional alien "boner humanoids", or "boneroids", than actual ones. T-Rex: Q.E. T-Rex: FRIGGIN' T-Rex (punchline): D.

AWKWARD MOMENT FEATURING THE JURASSIC PARK THEME SLOWED DOWN 200 TIMES, NO WAIT, 2000 TIMES, NO WAIT, 20000 TIMES

Narrator: HOW TO USE WIKIPEDIA T-Rex: Wikipedia is amazing if you want to know facts about something, but INSTEAD decide to go with what a bunch of internet strangers have temporarily agreed is the truth!! T-Rex: Actually, it's kinda ideal for that exact situation! T-Rex: And if you don't like what Wikipedia says, you can change it! But then some random stranger will change it back with a snippy "citation needed for 'dogs = mega ultrarad'", and you're like, have you SEEN dogs? Have you EVEN EVER SEEN A DOG. Because you obviously haven't or you'd know precisely how ultrarad they are, which is: mega. They are mega ultrarad and PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW. T-Rex: Frig. Utahraptor: Wait, you're xXERTx?? T-Rex: Wait - YOU'RE the guy who reverts all my dog updates?? Narrator: AWKWARD MOMENT FEATURING TENSE, SUSTAINED STRING MUSIC Narrator: LATER: Narrator (punchline): AWKWARD MOMENT FEATURING NIRVANA'S "HEART-SHAPED BOX" MASHED UP WITH "CALL ME MAYBE"

on goodreads he said he liked a book called "PRIDE AND PREJUDICE", is it any wonder he had the "pride" to "prejudicially" get into a bar fight??

Off panel: Says here this guy murdered a dude and, AND, they're saying he liked a bunch of HEAVY METAL songs on YouTube. Coincidence?? T-Rex: [thinks] OH GOD T-Rex: [thinks] I HAVE LIKED SO MANY CRAPPY SONGS ON YOUTUBE T-Rex: If anyone wants to write an article about me, the easiest and laziest thing in the world is to talk about what they can find on social media and draw friggin' imaginary connections, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: "T-Rex was caught shoplifting yesterday. On social media, he had been hectoring his #favourite #brands, saying 'I'ma steal you now'". T-Rex: That - that'd be a reasonable example, actually. STILL THOUGH. T-Rex: It's this bizarre focus on art consumption that bothers me! Utahraptor: "His tumblr played DEATH METAL"? T-Rex: EXACTLY. Can we stop pretending music is this powerful? It's not. I'm sorry, it's not. If it WERE, there'd have been no wars in the 60s because we all would've stopped in the name of love when the Supremes QUITE POLITELY asked us to. AND YET, THE 60S STILL HAD SEVERAL WARS?? Utahraptor: WEIRD, MAN T-Rex: IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU CAN GO BREAK SOMEONE'S HEART EVEN IF SIMULTANEOUSLY THEY STARTED PLAYING "DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART" T-Rex: YEP, TURNS OUT I COULD IN FACT DO IT IF I TRIED T-Rex (punchline): QUITE EASILY, ACTUALLY

the good news is there ARE experimental chemicals that allow liquid breathing, but the bad news is we don't have any with the same density as human bodies. no worries though! i'm SURE we'll crack that nut before you need to decelerate.

Narrator: HOW MUCH G-FORCE CAN I HANDLE?? T-Rex: A regular person in regular person clothes can handle about 5 G before they pass out. Not bad, regular person!! T-Rex: But what's that? You want MORE acceleration? MORE of these delectable forces of G?? T-Rex: Okay! We'll get you a flight suit: that'll push your limit up to 9 G. Wait - still not good enough? Well, we COULD submerge you in a liquid that has the same density as your body. Dromiceiomimus: This distributes the G-force all over your body rather than on a single spot, making you much more resilient to sudden starts and stops! Utahraptor: What does that get us? T-Rex: 15 G. T-Rex: 20 G, tops. T-Rex: But you STILL want to go higher? No problem! So you've got these hollow weak points inside you called "lungs". We'll be filling those AND EVERY OTHER BODY CAVITY YOU'VE GOT with the same liquid you're immersed in. Tada! Utahraptor: Wait. Do we know WHY the person reading this wants to handle 20+ G? T-Rex: Utahraptor, PLEASE: whatever's going on here, we're clearly at the level where it's gonna make the news if it goes well OR catastrophically wrong. T-Rex (punchline): Personally I'm hoping for a little of both??

anyway, yeah, total spy moved in down the way, pretty sure this is but a harbinger for my life getting MORE AMAZING

T-Rex: Everyone! A new dude has moved in down the street from me! T-Rex: And I'm PRETTY SURE he's a spy?? Dromiceiomimus: Why? What, does he dress all in black and prank another spy dressed all in white? T-Rex: NOTHING SO GAUCHE. But check this: he speaks seven different languages, he's really handsome, he wears suits, and I'm pretty sure he knows a lot about guns AND documents. I asked him what his favourite type of document was and I could tell he SO wanted to say "Stole-- I mean, no preference". Utahraptor: Maybe he's just a sartorialist polyglot? T-Rex: A spy, yeah! Utahraptor: No, maybe he's just a guy who dresses well and speaks many languages. A well-educated, confident man. You know... THE KIND OF GUY YOU WISH YOU WERE?? T-Rex: ...Oh my god you're right. Oh my god. You're totally right. T-Rex: HE'S ME FROM THE FUTURE. Off panel: You ignored my awesome sick burn and in doing so transformed it into... the setup for a time-travelling adventure? I gotta say, I'm impressed! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): My ultimate faith in our friendship has paid off YET AGAIN!!

AND A LITTLE BIT SEXY. AND A LITTLE BIT... /DANGEROUS/

T-Rex: Democracy! It certainly is the best form of government! T-Rex: ...Uh, I GUESS?? T-Rex: The PROBLEM with democracy is that it relies on the wisdom of crowds - "mobs", if you will - and it's like, is that the best we can do? When it's time to make a decision, we'll ask a bunch of strangers what they think and then we all convince ourselves that the most popular opinion is always the correct one?? Utahraptor: Oh because fascism and dictators are WAY better! T-Rex: Okay, obviously not! Utahraptor: Dude, our world is one where EVERYONE DISAGREES ON EVERYTHING. You're never going to build a government that makes liberals, conservatives, individualists, communists, and EVERYONE ELSE happy. T-Rex: So what, the future of democracy is everyone arguing everything forever?? Utahraptor: YEP T-Rex: Man! I guess, at the very least, democracy guarantees that I'll always be able to share my rad opinions. T-Rex: OPINIONS WHICH I REMIND YOU ARE OBJECTIVELY CORRECT T-Rex (punchline): AND COOL AND GOOD

OKAY FIRST OFF IMAGINE YOU ALL HAVE MOUTHS

T-Rex: Truth or dare, God! God: UM God: TRUTH T-Rex: Okay! Tell me... oh, I don't know... T-Rex: ...THE MEANING OF LIFE?? God: DUDE THAT'S A NONSENSICAL QUESTION God: IT'S LIKE YOU ASKED WHAT IS THE MEANING OF SANDWICH God: AND I'M LIKE God: SANDWICHES DON'T HAVE MEANING THEY'RE JUST FUN THINGS TO CRAM INSIDE YOUR BODY VIA YOUR MOUTH God: "ENJOY" God: NOW YOUR TURN T-Rex: Alright... I choose dare! Utahraptor: Huh? God: I DARE YOU TO SAY UTAHRAPTOR DID YOU KNOW I TOOTED THE BED T-Rex: Utahraptor, did you know I tooted the bed?? Utahraptor: I... did not? God: HAH HAH AWESOME God: OKAY THIS HAS BEEN FUN BUT NOW I GOTTA GET BACK TO GOD STUFF THERE'S A PLANET 3 GALAXIES OVER WHOSE SUN IS EXPLODING God: AND IT'S LIKE God: GUYS God: SETTLE DOWN GUYS God (punchline): LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I TOLD MY FRIEND T-REX ABOUT SANDWICHES

6) Conspiracy to commit any of the above

T-Rex: If we didn't want the youth of today stealing our cars and driving them around, then why did we give that crime the alluring and cool name of "joyriding"?? T-Rex: IT. SOUNDS. AWESOME. T-Rex: Petty larceny has "petty" in the name: CLEARLY that's a crime for losers! But JOYRIDING sounds like a friggin' good time. It needs a more frightening name to scare off teens trying to consider what crime to do today. Might I suggest: "CAR CRIME 3000"?? Dromiceiomimus: That only makes it sound more alluring! T-Rex: Car Crime... uh, 4000?? Utahraptor: Indecent Carsposure? T-Rex: Distributing caps?? T-Rex: You know, if you're taking apart the cars and selling them. OR, if they only steal vans and then write their names on them: VANdalism?? Utahraptor: Hmm. These crimes STILL sound pretty cool though. Is this a problem other crimes have?? T-Rex: I WILL FIND OUT! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: I have found out! Therefore, behold the Top Five Crimes Based on How Awesome Their Name Alone Sounds! T-Rex: 1) Pyramid schemes T-Rex: 2) Joyriding 3) Public mischief 4) Hooliganism T-Rex (punchline): 5) Criminal vampirism

JOKES FOR SENIORS: Of course instead of a "meet cute", today's youth will probably just have a "tweet cute" instead! THANK YOU FOR READING JOKES FOR SENIORS

T-Rex: Need to have the two love interests in your romantic comedy meet in some cute way? You need a "meet" "cute"! T-Rex: Stay with me!! T-Rex: "Meet cute" is the scene in the movie where your two characters come together and both spill the same flavour of nutritional smoothie on each other. ADORABLE, right? AND an excellent foundation for a lifelong commitment! Dromiceiomimus: Is there a name for the scene where they break up due to a misunderstanding that could've been avoided if they all just addressed each other like adults? T-Rex: Uh, "seemingly mandatory"? Utahraptor: What about the scene where they both have the same action figure? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: You know! They both have the same toy from some obscure 80s cartoon, the couple fights, goes home, sees the toy, remembers how its catch phrase was say "Time to give justice a chance... or TWO!" then hold up its fists, then they meet in the rain and reconcile and say they've already given their love a chance... Off panel: ...but now they're giving it TWO. Aaaaand INSTAKISS. T-Rex: Utahraptor!! T-Rex (punchline): Can you write all movies forever please, thanks in advance??

to reiterate: the oxford comma is great, critical and necessary

Narrator: SO YOU WANT TO LEARN ENGLISH T-Rex: You, my friend, have come to the right comic! T-Rex: Alright! T-Rex: To start, let's assume you know every word used in this comic! T-Rex: If you don't, come back when you've learned them all. Don't worry, we'll ONLY be using the words found in this comic, so it shouldn't take too long. Ready? Perfect. Dromiceiomimus: So the first thing you need to know is that everything is crazy in English and nothing makes sense. T-Rex: Great! You're already a pro! Utahraptor: HOWEVER: there are some rules that CANNOT be bent. T-Rex: Memorize the following. LIVE IT. T-Rex: The Oxford comma is important, critical, and necessary. Utahraptor: If you say "begs the question" to mean "raises the question" you are a lesser person. Objectively so. T-Rex and Utahraptor: These are our hills; we shall die on them. Narrator: CONGRATULATIONS!! NOW YOU KNOW ENGLISH Narrator: YES, IT IS TOO LATE FOR REGRETS Narrator (punchline): YES, IT IS TOO LATE FOR US ALL

Boy are you my old computer from 1990 because you run REALLY slow

Narrator: FREE PICK UP LINES Narrator: USE THESE LINES TO PICK UP PEOPLE YOU MEET Narrator: THEY HAVE NEVER FAILED T-Rex: Girl are you an mp3 I downloaded twenty years ago because getting with you is taking like 30 minutes and my dad keeps picking up the phone in the middle Dromiceiomimus: Boy are you Uranium Tetraiodide because all I can see is U and I getting together with three of my friends and it being dangerous, but also very powerful T-Rex: Girl are you a dog because I want to play fetch and run around with you and scratch behind your ears and sneak you people food Utahraptor: Boy are you a cloud because your body is constantly changing and when I look at you I see a hot stud but my friend says she sees a car T-Rex: Girl are you Magic the Gathering because I could see myself spending a lot of money and the better part of my 20s on you Narrator: IF THESE LINES HAVE NOT PRODUCED A SATISFYING RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU, THEN YOU HAVE MESSED UP AND FAILED TO DEPLOY THEM PROPERLY Narrator: THE FAULT LIES IN YOU Narrator (punchline): P.S.: I'M NOT UPDATING THE SECOND PANEL

listen i don't get these one star reviews, you're reading a book called "SHERLOCK HOLMES IS IN SPACE NOW", how are you not getting exactly what was promised on the cover

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes adjusted the course of the starship with some satisfaction. Narrator: SHERLOCK HOLMES IS IN SPACE NOW T-Rex: "There are precious few mysteries in space," he deduced, "thanks mainly to our advanced technology and ubiquitous surveillance. That's why I can now indulge my true passion of starship piloting." Dromiceiomimus: What?? T-Rex: "Yes, the only things I enjoy now are the simple pleasures of piloting this starship through the mostly-empty, samey, and uncomplicated void of space," Sherlock said. Utahraptor: Dude, why use Sherlock? T-Rex: Um, because he's the WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE?? Utahraptor: And you have him piloting the WORLD'S BORINGEST SPACESHIP. Have you forgotten that without mysteries, Sherlock turns to drugs?? T-Rex: Piloting a spaceship is the only drug he needs! The only mystery he unravels now is why the port nacelle is operating 2.6% below nominal! T-Rex: Spoiler alert!! T-Rex (punchline): It's because the phase coils are 1.3% out of alignment and this has an outsized effect on the output of the matter/antimatter reaction chamber.

RIP my lunch, you should've lived inside ME instead of some HUNGRY CHUMP

Narrator: DID SOMEONE AT WORK STEAL YOUR LUNCH? Narrator: PRINT THIS COMIC OUT AND DISTRIBUTE IT TO EVERYONE'S DESK WITHOUT EXCEPTION T-Rex: Hello! Someone ate my lunch right out of the fridge. IT WAS YOU, AND I FRIGGIN' KNOW IT. Narrator: DID YOU EAT MY LUNCH [ ] YES [ ] NO Narrator: I KNOW IT WAS YOU, JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH. DID YOU EAT MY LUNCH? [ ] YES [ ] NO Narrator: YOU KEEP SELECTING "NO" AND I UNDERSTAND WHY, I DO, BUT I REALLY JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. ONE LAST TIME: DID YOU EAT MY LUNCH? [ ] YES, I ATE YOUR LUNCH [ ] NO, I ATE YOUR LUNCH Narrator: I ADMIT TO EATING YOUR LUNCH [ ] I'LL DO IT AGAIN [ ] I FEEL NO REMORSE; I HAVE NEVER FELT IT Narrator: I WILL PAY YOU BACK THIS MUCH FOR EATING YOUR LUNCH [ ] FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS [ ] FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS [ ] FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS [ ] FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS [ ] FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS [ ] FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS Narrator (punchline): P.S. THIS IS A LEGALLY-BINDING DOCUMENT

I AM BEGINNING TO SUSPECT THAT - SOMEHOW - MY REACH HAS EXCEEDED MY GRASP IN THIS ONE ENDEAVOUR

T-Rex: The velocity of a body remains constant unless the body is acted upon by an external force. T-Rex: That's Newton's First Law o' Motion! T-Rex: But what did Newton know, huh?? Are we really gonna follow LAWS laid down by THE MAN? Dromiceiomimus: Laws laid down by A man, you mean. Not THE man. T-Rex: Still! What's the point of laws anyway? The good people don't need them and the bad people don't obey them! Utahraptor: They're laws in the observational sense, not in the prescriptive sense. T-Rex: OH. T-Rex: Well clearly Newton has this thing wrapped up nicely and we're all going to remain at constant velocity until an external force acts on us because WE ALL LOVE FOLLOWING RULES. Utahraptor: If you don't like the rules, make your own universe with different ones! T-Rex: I WILL. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: HAH HAH HAH WOW T-Rex: I HAVE LIKE T-Rex (punchline): ZERO IDEA WHERE TO START

how are your holes

T-Rex: There's a question coming up, and its answer is ME. It has always been me. Narrator: WHO HAS THE SICKEST BEATS? T-Rex: Uh, ME. T-Rex: My beats are so sick they're not going into work today! Dromiceiomimus: Oh yeah? MY beats are so sick doctors are naming their disease after them, because NOBODY HAS BEEN QUITE SO SICK IN QUITE THE SAME WAY BEFORE. Utahraptor: Well MY beats are so sick that their breathing is shallow and mucussy! T-Rex: Ew! Utahraptor: My beats are so sick they have blood coming out of their holes! EVERY ONE of their MANY HOLES. T-Rex: EW. Holes? HOLES?? T-Rex: This just in: you're no longer allowed to talk about holes, EVER. Narrator: CONGRATULATIONS!! Narrator: IF YOU WERE EMAILED THIS COMIC IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT HOLES ANYMORE EITHER Narrator (punchline): also your beats, if you produce them, aren't NEARLY as sick as they could be

gluten is actually a corruption of "glue ten": the first successful edible adhesive, which is used in industry to collect the shavings of other bread products (they're cut down to make them fit into a few predetermined shapes) and recombine them as a new foodstuff.

T-Rex: Gluten are airborne tropical spores. They colonize foods left uncovered, and first infested North American food processing plants 15 years ago when they started running 24/7. They're very expensive to remove, which is why "gluten free" costs more. Narrator: WHAT IS... A GLUTEN? Dromiceiomimus: That's cute, but "glutens" are really the industry term for the trace amount of feces legally permitted in ground or processed meats. The animals are processed whole, which means their intestines - usually with animal waste still inside them - get added to the mix. Interestingly, gluten-free foods aren't ACTUALLY gluten free: they've just been chemically treated to sterilize this fecal output. Utahraptor: Actually, gluten is the name for the nutritional slurry used as a starter in industrial yeast cultures! T-Rex: Neat! T-Rex: But in reality, "gluten" was one of the first GMO genes ever privatized. UN subsidies helped it to displace most organic wheat crops worldwide, so once people started developing allergies, it was far too late. Gluten-free foods are made from the few remaining "heritage" (or non-GMO) strains. Off panel: But for real: gluten is a naturally-occurring wheat protein and unless you have celiac disease or gluten allergies, there are no published experimental studies showing any health benefits from a gluten-free diet. T-Rex (punchline): Uh, BOOORRRIINNNGG

i guess it's pretty rad, yeah. we'd better spend ANOTHER several thousand years talking about it

Narrator: T-REX HAS PUBLISHED A BOOK OF BIOGRAPHIES T-Rex: They're mostly lifted from Wikipedia! Narrator: THEY'RE MOSTLY LIFTED FROM WIKIPEDIA T-Rex: But after a person's accomplishments are listed, I put "They died anyway!" T-Rex: It's SO GOOD. "Albert Einstein described the relationship between energy and matter. He died anyway!" "Genghis Khan has a lot of sex and wars. He died anyway!" Dromiceiomimus: What if I want to learn about the past and NOT be reminded of my own inevitable upcoming demise?? T-Rex: There's probably other books for that, I dunno Utahraptor: I think you're not death-centered enough! T-Rex: Whoah! THIS HAS NEVER BEEN SAID OF ME BEFORE. Utahraptor: Histories that begin "1800s: Everyone who lived at this time is dead. Anyway,"! Fiction that starts with "Even though these characters are imaginary they too will die, for even in fiction death stalks us all. In any case, it is a truth universally acknowledged,"! Utahraptor: MEMENTO MORI FOR EVERYONE. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: Off panel: It's so rad that we uploaded our brains into self-repairing computers powered by the universe herself, thereby finally freeing ourselves from the shackles of mortality! T-Rex (punchline): I mean, I GUESS??

The game is to see who can stay awake the longest, and there is no prize. You snooze, you lose!

T-Rex: If you love someone, pretend not to care so much, and then if they happen to care more than you're pretending NOT to, then it was meant to be. T-Rex: This is what adult relationships look like. Narrator: CLASSIC APHORISMS REPHRASED T-Rex: If you love something, set it free! T-Rex: Being rejected by someone you love can be very upsetting, but I'd much rather gender that reaction to imply that fully half the population is, quite frankly, ridiculously mentally unstable. Dromiceiomimus: Oooh, I got this one! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! T-Rex: Don't worry: dogs displaying aggression are absolutely safe to approach. Utahraptor: His bark is worse than his bite! T-Rex: I sustain and spread racist stereotypes that originate in an IMAGINARY STORY that is LITERALLY OVER TWO THOUSAND YEARS OLD. Utahraptor: Beware of Greeks bearing gifts! Facts are equal to the work performed by those facts, divided by time. T-Rex: Knowledge is power! T-Rex: It is objectively better to NOT know a thing than to know a thing. Off panel: 2x COMBO!! "Ignorance is bliss" AND "no news is good news"! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): WHY do we keep repeating these AWFUL IDEAS??

i jogged yesterday and it was awful and i will do it again tomorrow; is this truly what stockholm syndrome feels like

T-Rex: Like walking, but wish you could end up way sweatier and gross at the end? T-Rex: Consider jogging, friends! Narrator: TIPS FOR JOGGERS T-Rex: It's a sport based solely on the challenge of moving your BIG GIANT BODY AROUND. You may think "Yo, I played this game when it was called 'walking'", BUT, unlike walking, jogging can finish with you wheezing and panting, drenched in your own smelly juices and wondering why you took up jogging in the first place! T-Rex: Yaaaaay! Utahraptor: Don't you get "runner's high" at the end though? T-Rex: HAH HAH HAH T-Rex: RIGHT. I don't get "runner's high", I get "runner's feel a little less bad because at least you tried". You know! That same AMAZING HIGH you get when everyone else gets a gold medal and you get a "PARTICIPANT" ribbon? T-Rex: And you had to print it out yourself?? T-Rex: And your printer's almost out of ink so there's weird lines on it?? Off panel: Alright, I get it! You hate jogging! T-Rex: What? T-Rex (punchline): Dude it's like my favourite sport, not a word of lie

reminder that robyn is a dinosaur, the mummy is a dinosaur, and every scene in this story is therefore approximately 1000 times more awesome than you may have originally imagined

T-Rex: Robyn was exploring ancient pyramids when she came across some mummies! And yes, as in the FRANKLY NOT UNPROBLEMATIC movies from the 50s, they were walking around, arms outstretched, trying to murder everyone who stumbled upon their cursèd grounds! T-Rex: Robyn was like, whoah, what's going on here?? T-Rex: She managed to pin down one of the mummies and, partially unwrapping it, found that inside were, as expected, ancient and long-dead remains. Whatever power that was animating the mummy was clearly in the ancient funeral dressing. Furthermore, moving the ancient and fragile corpse as if it were alive had seriously damaged it, in parts reducing its brittle skin and bones to powder. Utahraptor: So what'd she do next? T-Rex: She unwrapped the mummy entirely! T-Rex: The rags still thirsted for living blood, but by carefully wrapping them around a specially-constructed dynamo she was able to transform this motion into useful work. Once again, Robyn had transformed supernatural phenomena into clean, renewable energy, and the hatred of the dead kept our cities lit and our houses warm. Banner (punchline): ROBYN for World President

Q: how can you be sure when someone's writing in iambic trimeter? A: DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL TELL YOU.

T-Rex: Okay, T-Rex, you've got a first date tonight. If there's a romantic moment and she looks into your eyes, don't lock eyes with her and whisper "boners"!! T-Rex: Don't whisper "boners" don't whisper "boners" don't whisper "boners" Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: DANG IT, DROMICEIOMIMUS, I WHISPERED "BONERS" T-Rex: I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY T-Rex: AND IT WAS, T-Rex: BUT LIKE, T-Rex: NOT TO HER?? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: IT HAPPENED AGAIN ON ANOTHER DATE!! Utahraptor: T-Rex! T-Rex: I KNOW Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: IT HAPPENED AGAIN BUT THIS TIME SHE WAS INTO IT Utahraptor: COOL T-Rex: YEAH T-Rex: ANYWAY I SHOULD REALLY GET BACK; THE DATE IS ONGOING Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: THE TRUTH OF LIFE IS THIS NO MATTER WHO YOU KISS T-Rex (punchline): THEY LIKE THE JOKES YOU'VE SAID: THAT'S SOMEONE YOU SHOULD WED

yes i wrote this comic in a hospital waiting room, how can you tell

T-Rex: Stuck in a hospital waiting room? Wish there was something that could make the time just FLY by?? Narrator: HOSPITAL COMICS T-Rex: HAH HAH HAH, SO DO I Narrator: the end. Utahraptor: Wait, why are these people in the hospital waiting room? T-Rex: Because they're waiting for the hospital? Utahraptor: But is there, like, something wrong? T-Rex: That's KINDA the question they came here to get answered, dude! And I'll tell you what: a lifetime of disease is looking PRETTY GOOD against staying in this hospital waiting room for another five hours! T-Rex: Hey, you know what people who made the right decisions and who live life without regret say? "My disease can only be cured by waiting in a hospital room for fifteen hours, and so it is, of course, uncured." T-Rex (punchline): AND I ENVY THEM

turns out there's hole police too, don't try to escape the police by hiding in a hole because it's a waste of both time AND a perfectly good hole

T-Rex: Man, there's a lot of laws saying what you can and can't do... ON THE GROUND. But there's no such thing as the TREE police!! Narrator: LATER: THERE ABSOLUTELY ARE SUCH A THING AS THE TREE POLICE T-Rex: Maaaaaaan! T-Rex: There are WAY too many laws governing me right now! TAX laws, import/export laws, decency laws... I just want to go to a place where there's no laws and just be ME, man! Dromiceiomimus: You could go out to international water and get kidnapped by pirates. T-Rex: Oh wow, PIRA-- Dromiceiomimus: Aaaand they're not the fun kind you're thinking of. T-Rex: There's got to be SOME places left on Earth where there's no laws. Utahraptor: There are, actually! Utahraptor: There's some unclaimed land in the Antarctic, and there's a couple thousand square kilometers between Egypt and Sudan that nobody wants. T-Rex: Nobody but ME, that is!! See you later, chumps! I'm off to start a NEW FRIGGIN' COUNTRY. Narrator: SEVERAL DAYS LATER, T-REX RETURNS: T-Rex: I missed my friends! T-Rex: AND civilization and, like, medicine?? T-Rex (punchline): ...But honestly, mostly friends??

SECRET HAPPY ENDING: actually she just went forward in time and faked her own death so that she could live in the future without people saying "oh hey aren't you stevella from the past?", THE END

T-Rex: "Stevella: A Story That Might Have A Sad Ending, By T-Rex." Once upon a time there was a woman, Stevella, who knew EVERYTHING. Every single thing. "But that's impossible!" you say. "How did she fit it all in her brain?" T-Rex: Well guess what? T-Rex: She knew a way to do that!! T-Rex: Her friends would say, "Stevella, who is going to win this horse race?" and she'd tell them. Her better friends would say, "Stevella, which actions should I take in my life to ensure the best, most prosperous future for all?" and she'd tell them that too. Dromiceiomimus: Sounds like a great person to know! T-Rex: Oh, for sure! Especially if you have, like, questions about your homework! Utahraptor: So she knew EVERYTHING? T-Rex: EVERYTHING, yo! She knew every of the things. Utahraptor: ...Including knowledge SO DANGEROUS that the mere act of knowing it would erase all other knowledge she had?? T-Rex: Nice try! The answer is yes, BUT, she also knew a way to prevent that from happening. Utahraptor: Then that is my only possible objection addressed and dismissed! T-Rex: Later on when Stevella died it was the greatest loss the world ever faced, for it proved either immortality was impossible or the only rational response in the face of total knowledge of our universe was death. OH SNAP! THAT SAD ENDING APPEARED!! T-Rex (punchline): YOU KNEW THE RISKS

so hey I googled "how to start a new life" to research this comic, and I JUST WANT TO SAY, I'm happy with my current life. If I disappear suddenly don't let my Google search history make you think I did it on purpose!! Also, hopefully all cops read the alt text on all web comics, thanks in advance officers

T-Rex: Feel like you've made some bad decisions? Pfft, yeah, well get used to it. You're gonna feel that way CONSTANTLY AND FOREVER, unless you - Narrator: MOVE SOMEWHERE NEW AND START A NEW LIFE T-Rex: Now, this is trickier than it was before we invented "photography" and "mandatory government-issued ID" and "ubiquitous surveillance" and "automated facial recognition". BUT IT IS STILL POSSIBLE. Dromiceiomimus: We don't have surveillance drones above every city yet! T-Rex: Assumed identities still have a few good years left!! Utahraptor: So what do you recommend? T-Rex: Do it quietly, yo! T-Rex: Everyone's first instinct is to fake their death, but that just draws attention, AND dummies thrown off of boats wearing "HI MY NAME IS [YOUR NAME]" tags are being examined more and more carefully these days. Instead, just move! Tell people you're moving to a new country, but just move to the other side of town! T-Rex: TADA! Old life and relationships gone, and you can start over in comfort. If anyone recognizes you, just say you're here on business! WOW, HAVE I TRULY MADE IT INSANELY EASY TO START A NEW LIFE?? T-Rex (punchline): Given that you left in the middle of our conversation to go do that: uh, POSSIBLY??

Oh great, "skullmandible" on "ReviewAllHumans" says that Ryan North is "several inches taller than is considered polite"

T-Rex: Horses! Are you interested in erotica? Well GOOD NEWS, because I've taken some of my limited life and squandered it creating Narrator: SEX SCENES FOR HORSES T-Rex: "His nose was long, horselike to the max. His legs were typical, obviously sexy to other horses, and on his back sat some guy, AND his legs like one half of a horse's legs, either front or back." Dromiceiomimus: You think horses care a lot about legs? T-Rex: Among the things I think about horses is they care about legs, yes. T-Rex: THE END. Utahraptor: What?! "The end"! Utahraptor: The horses didn't even DO anything. You just described their legs and stopped! T-Rex: Oh are you saying my EROTICA FOR HORSES didn't satisfy you?? Are you gonna review me on Yelp and say "NOT ENOUGH HORSE EROTICA"?? Utahraptor: NO, because Yelp won't let you review people! T-Rex: Wait, that gives me an idea!! A site collecting UNSOLICITED REVIEWS of ACTUAL PEOPLE, and the reviews are anonymous, AND the people reviewed can't remove them unless they pay me! Off panel: Don't you dare, T-Rex!! Off panel (punchline): I WILL BURN THIS PLANET TO THE GROUND, T-REX

sorry for saying dickweed, dickweeds

Narrator: COMICS FOR UNPOPULAR DEMOGRAPHICS today's demographic SEXISTS T-Rex: Sexists! We're going to fix you up. T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: Finally, am I right?? Narrator: DON'T: T-Rex: That's a cool lady! Hey, what's her naked body look like? I should pay her less. I don't remember her name, but she looked like this: T-Rex: (Here you are outlining her figure with your hands, or your head has turned into a cartoon steamwhistle and your tongue is lolling out while you say "awoooga") Narrator: DO: T-Rex: That's a cool lady! I'm not going to be sexist about this. Well bye! Utahraptor: Perfect! Utahraptor: But I worry this fixes only SYMPTOMS of sexism, but not the root cause. T-Rex: Pfft, these people are broken and I don't wanna deal with their garbage. Hey, you know the difference between a world where nobody's sexist and a world where everyone just PRETENDS not to be sexist?? T-Rex (punchline): Answer: LET'S FIND OUT, DICKWEEDS

for t-rex and utahraptor, WE ARE THE SUPERINTELLIGENT APES WHO TOOK OVER AUSTRALIA. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND??? YEAH, PROBS

T-Rex: Marketers, do you want to "go viral" with the latest marketing techniques? Well great, because the hottest trend is to attach yourself to world events already in motion! People love it when their conversation is interrupted by marketing! T-Rex: CONVINCE YOURSELF THIS IS TRUE; YOU HAVE CHOSEN THIS CAREER PATH AND THIS IS ITS COST T-Rex: For example, say we land a crewed mission on Mars. If you're not on Twitter the INSTANT the collected children of Earth achieve this dream with ".@NAMEOFASTRONAUT: you don't have to go to #Mars for deals like this!!" then you are not doing your job correctly. Dromiceiomimus: I would also accept copy invoking "out of this world" savings. T-Rex: That statement evaluates to true!! Utahraptor: But suppose something bad happens? Say superintelligent apes take over Australia. T-Rex: Oh sure! T-Rex: THEN you should be careful. Don't say "AUSTRALIA: you don't need to be a force-evolved primate to take deals like THIS by force!". Instead say, "We #RememberAustralia with the following deals:". Classy, you know? Utahraptor: So classy! Narrator: IF AUSTRALIA EVER GETS TAKEN BY SUPERINTELLIGENT APES THEN I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THE FLIPPANT TONE OF THIS COMIC Narrator: ALSO Narrator (punchline): IT'S SAD ABOUT AUSTRALIA BUT YOU'RE ALL SECRETLY AGREEING THAT WHAT HAPPENED IS KIND OF AWESOME, RIGHT??

you know when a government program called "atoms for peace" creates "atomic gardening" that you have reached... Peak 1950s

T-Rex: Oranges are orange, and if you press them, an orange juice called "orange juice" comes out. Their honest and straightforward approach easily earns oranges our coveted #1 spot. Narrator: GREAT NAMES FOR FRUIT T-Rex: At the bottom of our list we find the grapefruit, a pretender which steals its name from not only a more popular food, but from one which itself is already a fruit. We do not need grape fruits and grapefruits; the grapefruit cannot help but lose in any competition. Dromiceiomimus: Dude, they're just called that because they grow in bunches, like grapes. T-Rex: NOT REMOTELY GOOD ENOUGH. Utahraptor: I heard someone was hating on grapefruits!! T-Rex: I am! Grapefruit haters gonna grapefruit hate! Utahraptor: Observe as I INSTANTLY CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT GRAPEFRUIT: the red grapefruit people eat today DIDN'T EXIST 100 years ago. They were created by FIRING GAMMA RAYS AT PLANTS, hoping some useful mutations would randomly come out the other irradiated end. They emerged from the "gamma gardens" of the 1950s. Banner: GRAPEFRUITS: TOTALLY AWESOME T-Rex: Also! T-Rex (punchline): GARDENING: Uh, WAY more badass than I was led to believe??

THE ACTUAL ANSWER IS: frig man, go to an actual doctor and tell them an internet comic about "fatching your blood pressure" made you worried about your eyes leaking bodyjuice!! that's precisely what they're there for!

T-Rex: Want to be healthy, wealthy, and wise? Simply follow the four Fs! T-Rex: Friendship, fitness, family, and financialsuccess! God: THAT LAST ONE ISN'T A WORD T-Rex: Now on to the 10 Fs! T-Rex: Take care of friendship, fitness, family, financialsuccess, frugality, futrition, flessening salt intake, foderating alcohol intake, fiminishing stress, and fatching your blood pressure level ... and the rest will take care of itself! T-Rex: As the old saying goes, "If it starts with an 'F'... then do what it says, Steph!" Utahraptor: What a handy mnemonic! T-Rex: I made it myself! It also applies to non-Stephs. Utahraptor: So here's a question for you: while I know high blood pressure can cause your retina's blood vessels to LITERALLY SQUIRT BLOOD OVER THE INSIDES OF YOUR EYES, can isolated systolic hypertension be a cause of that? T-Rex: Um. You are talking to a guy who gives health tips based on what words start with which letter. T-Rex: That said... T-Rex (punchline): ...FFFROBABLY??

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

T-Rex: Can I pat my head and rub my tummy at the same time? Pfft! MERE CHILD'S PLAY. T-Rex: It's SO EASY, in fact, that I'll totally do it later!! T-Rex: Besides, that's just doing TWO things at the same time, and I can do SEVERAL. For example, right now I'm walking AND talking! Dromiceiomimus: Not just that! You're walking, talking, AND breathing at the same time too! T-Rex: NICE. Utahraptor: You're also simultaneously circulating blood throughout your body! T-Rex: I'm awesome! T-Rex: I'm walking, talking, respirating, circulating blood, transforming light AND sound into electrical signals, converting electricity into thoughts, AND maintaining awareness of the position of my body, all at the same time!! Utahraptor: Not to mention aging and dying!! Narrator: *record scratch* T-Rex: Oh yeah I always forget about that one T-Rex (punchline): Ha ha

Another reason to visit Europe is all the UNESCO Heritage sites there! What's that? "UNESCO"? Oh, that's just the United Nations Eldritch Skeleton Corps Outreach

T-Rex: Attention, everyone who lives in North America! I come to you with some STUNNING NEWS. T-Rex: Did you know that Europe is, like, REALLY OLD?? Narrator: FAQs ABOUT EUROPE Dromiceiomimus: Q: Can you eat in restaurants that have been serving food since before YOUR country was even a thing?? T-Rex: A: Yes! Dromiceiomimus: Q: Are there cities whose origins are lost, which is a non-dramatic way of asking if there are cities which PREDATE HISTORY HERSELF?? T-Rex: A: Yes! Old stuff is FRIGGIN' EVERYWHERE! Utahraptor: Q: If I dig a hole in Europe, am I likely to find... a spooky skeleton? T-Rex: A: Unfortunately, yes. T-Rex: You will ABSOLUTELY find a skeleton. This is the downside of Europe: all those skellies have to go somewhere, and the dead vastly outnumber the living. Have you ever seen those models of Earth where the atmosphere is just this super thin layer on top of the hulking mass of the planet? Utahraptor: Europe is like that, but with skeletons? T-Rex: Europe is like that, but with skeletons. Narrator: THIS COMIC BROUGHT TO YOU BY TOURISM EUROPE Narrator (punchline): "WE ALSO INVENTED VAMPIRES"

TRICKS TO TEACH YOUR CAT: A great cat trick is "Watch as the world burns". All cats know this trick instinctively and no training is required.

T-Rex: "Sit". "Lie down". "Stay". If you're a person familiar with dogs, you've seen these tricks before. But let's be honest: it can be done better. Here are several objectively superior tricks to teach your pup! Narrator: BEST TRICKS FOR DOGS T-Rex: "Open the fridge": tie a rope to your fridge's handle, and encourage the dog to tug. When the door opens, reward the dog. Shorten the rope until the dog opens the fridge by its handle. Congratulations! You have given an animal access to your fridge. T-Rex: You no longer control its access to food; you have rendered yourself redundant. T-Rex: "Find treasure": simply teach your dog the distinctive scent of treasure. And ALWAYS negotiate who gets what in advance. Utahraptor: T-Rex! T-Rex: "Speak in the voice of a man": this is a fun trick to use on your neighbours, or to distract telemarketers while you make good your escape. Utahraptor: T-Rex, I - T-Rex: "Hover": a variation of "sit", performed several feet in the air. Useful when vacuuming or traversing bodies of water. T-Rex: "Undo": most dogs can undo their last 3 choices, but with training, you can raise this number to at least 10. This trick pairs well with "Find me and warn me". Off panel: T-Rex!! T-Rex: Yes? Off panel (punchline): ...Um, there's a lot I don't know about dogs apparently

make every day earth day! pee in the ocean every day. DO IT, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS THE PEE POLICE

T-Rex: It's Earth Day!! God: EARTH DAY WAS SEVERAL DAYS AGO T-Rex: Oh okay, nevermind! T-Rex: NEVERMIND T-Rex: I was GONNA say "maybe recycle a little and stop peeing in the ocean" but since Earth Day is over, no worries! FALSE ALARM. Dromiceiomimus: Peeing in the ocean isn't actually bad for the planet, dude. Fish do it all the time. Constantly, really. Did you know saltwater fish pee through their gills? T-Rex: Um, ACTUALLY I was hoping to get through life NOT knowing that?? GOSH. T-Rex: So it's actually... super cool to pee in the ocean? Utahraptor: Whales do it, dude! T-Rex: And whales ARE part of nature. Utahraptor: Exactly. Plus, the urea in urine is high in nitrogen, which is a fertilizer for lots of oceanic plants! Science says that everyone should pee in the ocean whenever they want!! Narrator: HAPPY EARTH DAY!! YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY PEE IN THE OCEAN Narrator (punchline): BONUS SCIENCE FACT: YOU CAN ALSO PEE IN *SEVERAL* LAKES

before you email me to say breaking bad's eponymous main character wasn't called "breaking bad", search your heart, and i believe you will find that my version of events is in fact 1000% true

T-Rex: Attention, parents! Be careful when you have kids, because when they grow up, whatever media properties are popular NOW are going to be brought back when they're nostalgic adults with disposable income! T-Rex: Attention, parents! THERE IS NO STOPPING THIS. T-Rex: But we can CONTROL it. For example: Breaking Bad was a pretty good show. Dromiceiomimus: I liked it on Breaking Bad when Breaking Bad would almost get caught by the police, but then not get caught by the police. T-Rex: It's always a tight escape with that guy!! But that's a great example: if enough kids today enjoyed Breaking Bad's adventures, we can be CERTAIN of more in, say, 30 years. Utahraptor: You're... saying people should plan their children around when they think TV might be good? T-Rex: Not just TV! T-Rex: Music, stand-up: ALL media! You don't want to have kids who are nostalgic for crappy culture! WE TRIED THAT, and you know what we got for it? THREE Brady Bunch movies. If everyone who was gonna have a baby in the 70s just WAITED, you know, just STOPPED BEING HORNY FOR 5 MINUTES, this dystopian future could've been avoided. T-Rex (punchline): IN CONCLUSION, my only disappointment with Breaking Bad is that it didn't end with Breaking Bad saying "I guess we really were... Breaking Bad", THE END.

BACKUP MORAL: BONE WHO YOU WANT, THERE'S NO WAY TO TELL WHETHER YOU'LL BE VIRGIN-SHAMED OR SLUT-SHAMED A THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW SO WHO CARES

T-Rex: Once upon a time, by which I mean around 636 AD, there lived a woman Æthelthryth who took a vow of perpetual virginity, because why not? It's the 600s! Virginity was in, vows were in, IT MADE SENSE. T-Rex: Then later on she died anyway, because death WILL inevitably claim us all!! T-Rex: Anyway! Years later they dug up her body (because, again, it was history times and nobody had invented Nintendos yet) and discovered that her body hadn't really decomposed that much! This can happen for a variety of reasons BUT SCIENCE WASN'T REALLY A THING YET, so she ended up a Catholic Saint, and since nobody knew what to do with a name like "Æthelthryth", they called her "Saint Audrey". Utahraptor: But what does this have to do with MY modern work-a-day world?? T-Rex: I'm glad you asked! T-Rex: Her admirers held an annual fair where they sold each other lace: "St. Audrey's lace". This became corrupted to "tawdry lace" - and when that style of lace fell out of fashion, "tawdry" kinda seemed like an adjective that meant "cheap" or "sucky", so that's what it became! Utahraptor: Amazing! T-Rex: Yep! And that's how a woman who died over a thousand years ago without ever even boning anyone is memorialized every day by an insulting adjective. T-Rex: The moral? HISTORY IS WEIRD, T-Rex (punchline): ENGLISH IS WEIRDER

i think about john spidderman all the time

T-Rex: One day John Spidderman was leaving work when he took a look overhead and saw Spider-Man swinging by from a thread. T-Rex: "Dang, that guy is ruining my name," he muttered to himself. T-Rex: John Spidderman didn't know what to do. Now even some of his long-time friends caught themselves mispronouncing his name by accident, calling him "Spy-derman" instead of the "Spidd-erman" he'd been since he was born. "I guess I have to... KILL SPIDER-MAN??" he said, but only to himself, so that if he did it nobody would suspect him. Dromiceiomimus: And did he? T-Rex: He did not! T-Rex: It's a big leap from not liking a guy to MURDERING him; it was just an idle fantasy on his part. Utahraptor: Ah. T-Rex: Instead he worked to be the best person he could be, which is all any of us can do, and over time he managed to let go of some of his resentment! Utahraptor: Oh. I was hoping they'd fight each other. T-Rex: NOPE Narrator: THIS HAS BEEN Narrator: "REALISTIC TALES OF INTROSPECTION" Narrator (punchline): THE ONLY COMIC WRITTEN BY AND FOR INTROVERTS

sure, maybe the last invention we ever make is the holodeck. or maybe, just MAYBE, it's the ability to communicate the entirety of our experience through n00dz??

T-Rex: Too many emails? T-Rex: Not enough sexy Snapchats?? T-Rex: Solve both problems with my email to sexy Snapchat converter! T-Rex: Our top-of-the-line NLP heuristics can convert ANY email - even the most non-sexy of work emails! - into Snapchat with an enthusiastically consenting naked person in it. Thrill as guideline updates become guideSEXY updates! And live in the joy of knowing that every email you receive can be viewed for only a few seconds before it's deleted forever! Utahraptor: My friend, this is clearly ideal and has no possible downsides for reading email! T-Rex: Thank you! Utahraptor: However - what about answering them? T-Rex: Dude. IT WORKS BOTH WAYS. You can take a naked selfie and it'll convert that to "Sounds good, let's follow up next week." Utahraptor: IT'S PERFECT; EMAIL IS SOLVED FOREVER T-Rex: I don't want to oversell it, but when we can all communicate via naked selfies we will have finally realized the full potential of our species. Off panel: Motion passes T-Rex (punchline): There can be no further argument

all the Woman Petes in the audience are frowning right now, they come here to dromiceiomim.us to get AWAY from this sort of baloney

T-Rex: YES, okay? YES. I AM BAD AT REMEMBERING NAMES. T-Rex: And MAYBE it's time to stop apologizing for it!! T-Rex: How about we all just ACCEPT that some people have this brain thing where when a person says "Hi my name is Kat" they WILL reply "Hi Kat, nice to meet you" and they WILL forget even the existence of the name "Kat" before they've finished saying it? T-Rex: AND WE SHOULD MAYBE CELEBRATE THEM FOR THAT?? Utahraptor: Name-forgetting pride? T-Rex: YES! Yes, no more shame!! T-Rex: And maybe some name-forgetting acceptance, huh? Maybe instead of "Hey, pop quiz: WHAT'S MY NAME?", say "So my friend said to me, "Kat, which is your name, how are you today?" Utahraptor: Wait, someone pop quizzed you on their name? T-Rex: IT HAPPENED; I HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO HER SINCE T-Rex: I THINK HER NAME WAS, I WANNA SAY "PETE"?? T-Rex: BUT LIKE, "WOMAN PETE"?? T-Rex (punchline): WHO KNOWS; I AM EXACTLY THE WRONG PERSON TO SAY

yes, it IS technically possible for two B.O.D.I.E.S. and B.R.A.I.N.S. to produce modified copies of themselves, reproducing out of control until they take over the planet, but we're reasonably confident that it won't happen

Narrator: HOW TO BUILD A YOU T-Rex: Building a you is simple, mainly because everything you are runs on simple hardware we call "a weird lump of alive fatty meat", or "brain"! T-Rex: This (as we all know) stands for "Biological Reasoning And Intelligence Network"! T-Rex: Now just slap that bad boy into a mobility suit made of meat with an alive skeleton inside it! Scientists call 'em "Biological Organic Domiciles for Intelligent Entities, Seriously", or "bodies". Each enables its "brain" to walk around and interact with its environment, etc, while also providing some protection for the "brain" by raising it off the dirty, dirty ground. Utahraptor: You mentioned "brains" are made of fatty meat. Are backups to more reliable hardware offered? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: Also there is no consideration for replacements or refunds in the case of design flaws, hardware failures, or software issues. Utahraptor: So each "you" meets at the intersection of irreplacable and fragile, and there is no recourse. T-Rex: Don't be sad! Remember our slogan: You Be You!™ T-Rex (punchline): IT'S MANDATORY.

for i too was just renewing my subscription to all the magazines that smart people subscribe to

T-Rex: Characters in video games are crazy. T-Rex: They're crazy, you guys! T-Rex: Let us consider one Super Mario, esquire! T-Rex: WE ALL KNOW HIS DEAL. He's a heroic guy who saves princesses. He's universally known for how good he is at running, jumping, and PARTICULARLY at tanooki cosplay. And yet, watch someone play his game, and you'll see the reality of Mario: he's a guy who - IN THE SPACE OF FIVE SECONDS - will accidentally knock a turtle shell into himself, get injured, mistime a jump, fall into a pit, and DIE. Utahraptor: My Mario has barely even saved the princess! T-Rex: Exactly!! T-Rex: How many Marios have quit part-way through because it's "too hard" or "got kinda boring"? Some hero!! Utahraptor: Fascinating! You're arguing video game characterization can come mainly from PREMISE rather than plot, since the player will, without realizing, ascribe non-canonicity to their own adventure! T-Rex: Uh, yes! That smart insight was exactly what I was going to say, and I was definitely NOT leading up to the conclusion that Mario sucks and should be replaced by ME, T-Rex. T-Rex: Yes T-Rex (punchline): For I too enjoy being smart

Jays (or "J"s) get bonus points for being named after a letter in the first place. Jay, I hope you can meet your Kay someday. JK.

T-Rex: Parents! Have you named your offspring yet?? Because if not, good news: T-Rex: I have some UNSOLICITED OPINIONS about what you should name your offspring! T-Rex: The sad fact of the matter is, we all spend a lot of time writing our name, and most of us have finite lifetimes. If ONLY we were given names that could be compressed to initials without losing any semantics, am I right? All the ladies named "Hélène" know what I'm talking about! Dromiceiomimus: "LN"? T-Rex: PRECISELY. Utahraptor: Like how every guy named "Petey" has a fuller and objectively better life when he goes by "PT"! T-Rex: For sure! T-Rex: Emilys got it pretty good with "MLE" which is impressive because it also stands for "Me? Lady Emily". If you are named "Kate" and not writing it "K8", you are ABSOLUTELY not living up to your innate potential. Utahraptor: Don't you mean... N8 POTENTIAL?? T-Rex: FRIG, YES, I DID Banner: Happy "T-Rex Missed The Chance To Make A Pun" Day T-Rex: Attention, everyone!! T-Rex (punchline): I HATE THIS DAY

you can also combine nouns if you want. this allows your problem to be a "bicycle god" or a "skeleton secret", both of which sound like pretty fun problems to have honestly

Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS STRESSFUL PROBLEM GENERATOR T-Rex: Need a stressful problem? NOT A PROBLEM. Check it! T-Rex: Your problem is a(n)... T-Rex: flooded / dying / explosive / poisonous / vengeful / understated / parasitic T-Rex: basement / god / bicycle / friend / bus / secret / relationship / sex move / skeleton Dromiceiomimus: My problem is an understated sex move? Dromiceiomimus: ... Dromiceiomimus: ...Yeah, makes sense. Utahraptor: Apparently, MY problem is a poisonous basement! T-Rex: Oh no! T-Rex: Well now you need to: walk it off / deal with it / ignore it forever / move to a new town where nobody knows you. Utahraptor: I'll take the latter. Goodbye forever, T-Rex! T-Rex: We had a good run! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: I'm back! The problem was fake and my basement is just a regular basement! T-Rex and off panel (punchline): Yaaaaay, imagination

EXCUSE ME for making STAR TREK accessible to casual fans!! Maybe if someone did the same thing for Star Wars I wouldn't spend all my time saying things like "What economic systems would permit the Empire to build a second Death Star in only a few years when the first one took decades"? I'M WAITING, NERDS. I'M WAITING, NERDS WHO LIKE A NERDY THING THAT IS SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT FROM THE NERDY THING I LIKE

T-Rex: One day Captain Kirk, who was the captain of the Starship Enterprise, which was a Constitution-class Starfleet vessel, which had been refit in the year 2270, T-Rex: which was really more of a complete rebuild as the new ship was dozens of meters longer, T-Rex: which was currently headed towards the Neutral Zone, which was a three-dimensional expanse of space left as a buffer between the Federation and Klingon Empires, which were a race of aliens whose warrior caste had bumpy foreheads, which was a relatively new development as when they first appeared they were smooth foreheads, which were because of Klingon genetic engineering experiments based on the human research which had produced Khan, T-Rex: which was a genetically superior "superman" who had tried to take over Earth, Utahraptor: which had not gone well, T-Rex: which had resulted in him being put in stasis where he remained until he was discovered by Captain Kirk, which is the person this sentence is about, was talking to Spock about space. Utahraptor: Huh? T-Rex: Kirk's talking to Spock. T-Rex: About space. Off panel: You ever think you're putting in too much backstory in one sentence? T-Rex: Uh, EXCUSE ME, but deep knowledge of canon only adds to the appreciation of scifi properties! Off panel: I don't - T-Rex: WHEN ALL CASUAL FANS ARE NERDS T-Rex (punchline): THEY WILL THANK ME

before you say "jurassic park wouldn't be better without humans" realize you're saying that you WOULDN'T be into a story in which dinosaurs genetically engineer dinosaurs but then dinosaurs escape so dinosaurs start hunting dinosaurs but in the end most of the dinosaurs are killed by dinosaurs before a few dinosaurs escape via FRIGGIN' HELICOPTER

T-Rex: Did you know there are only seven different stories? It's true! All stories are variations on these narratives. T-Rex: Anyway whatever, SPOILER ALERT, here they are! T-Rex: RAGS TO RICHES: someone poor gets some money. Imagine if it was you?? Dromiceiomimus: THE QUEST: someone left a thing somewhere and someone else goes to get the thing. It's like an RPG fetch quest, but instead of doing it, you have to read! T-Rex: BOY MEETS BOY: two boys meet and maybe they have some shared interests; let's find out T-Rex: BOY LOSES BOY: the classic mountaineering story wherein someone gets lost. Utahraptor: AND MAYBE DIES?? Utahraptor: BOY GETS BOY AGAIN: okay, he didn't die after all. T-Rex: HUMAN VS. HUMAN: these stories are only good if you want to read about humans, a very dicey proposition. Once the public sees that EVERY STORY about humans could be about dinosaurs instead, this market will collapse. Off panel: Why would anyone want to read about humans? They're like us, but smaller and with more boring bodies. T-Rex: Oh gross!! T-Rex: I, uh - T-Rex (punchline): I think I stepped on one back there??

and I hope to one day feel it pass over my tongue and lips on its way through my mouth. the sentence, i mean. and OBVIOUSLY also a fried chicken part

T-Rex: In my life I've been a leader, doer of machines, AND cool but crude party dude. And now, I add another role to that list: T-Rex: Reluctant explainer that "life experience degrees" are a fake idea to my weird cousin! T-Rex: It seems obvious that no authentic educational institution would award a degree on such credentials, and if they did, those degrees wouldn't be worth anything. But try explaining that to someone thousands of dollars deep into one: it's like talking to someone in a pyramid scheme, multi-level marketing, AND/OR cult! Utahraptor: They're convinced they've found a cheat code for reality, so the rest of us are just jealous. T-Rex: That's it! Utahraptor: Well, I guess when they're discovered and their career implodes... you'll get to say "I told you so"? T-Rex: Man, who wants to say "I told you so"?? All I want to say is "CONGRATS ON YOUR HONEST SUCCESS, DEAR FRIEND, AND I'M SO GLAD WE'RE EATING FRIED CHICKEN PARTS TO CELEBRATE". T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): It is the #1 best sentence it is possible to say

sorry if you didn't come to my comic today to read about bodies and holes but it's too late now, it's much much MUCH too late now

T-Rex: You want to know the secret to dieting? I'll tell you! The secret to dieting is NOT that losing weight is hard. T-Rex: It is that eating is fun and delicious and let's go eat some food right now!! T-Rex: We've evolved to find food FRIGGIN' TASTY, but YOU TOO can balance that out by remembering how gross eating is! Remember: eating is when you dig something out of the DIRTY, DIRTY GROUND and cram it inside your FACE. And if it doesn't fit? NO PROBLEM, just use parts of your SKULL that are EXTRUDING OUT THROUGH YOUR GUMS to break it down into smaller pieces. Dromiceiomimus: That actually sounds awesome, yo! I might go do that RIGHT NOW. Utahraptor: Yeah, it's super metal! Step 1: CRUSH FOOD WITH SKULL EXTRUSIONS. T-Rex: Dude! I'm trying to make it sound gross! T-Rex: Hey, when you're done eating, you know what happens? You push out WASTE through a HOLE in your BODY. A HOLE, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: Yeah man: poopin! Love it. Do it all the time. Utahraptor: Eating's the gift that keeps on giving! Banner: EATING RULES T-Rex: Attention, world!! T-Rex (punchline): Uh, my life was WAY EASIER before this sassy banner followed me around all the time

uh these are t-rex's opinions, not mine! MY opinion is that the Star Wars prequels ARE distinguishable from the other ones because the prequels are clearly better acted and have more compelling storylines

T-Rex: If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it, check out - Off panel: I KEEP SEEING BAD MOVIES T-Rex: Solution: only see movies with good ratings!! T-Rex: If both critical AND audience reviews are positive, check it out! Otherwise: STEER CLEAR. Tada! Dromiceiomimus: Won't the result be someone who knows only popular things? T-Rex: Yes! Popular things... a.k.a THE BEST THINGS?? Why listen to ALL music when you can just grab the "Greatest Hits of [WHATEVER, PICK A DECADE]" album and save some friggin' time?? Utahraptor: Sometimes I can't tell when you're being sarcastic. T-Rex: Who wants to hear RUNNER-UP hits? Utahraptor: Dude, you're just going to produce a person who likes everything everyone else likes, who only knows the same stories everyone else knows, who only has popular opinions - T-Rex: And let me stop you right there, because THAT SOUNDS GREAT. I'm SO TIRED of my friggin' unpopular opinions! T-Rex: I think bacon is just okay! I think captioned cat pics are funnier with proper grammar! I think the Star Wars prequels are indistinguishable from the other ones! Off panel: YOU ARE A MONSTER T-Rex: See? SEE? T-Rex (punchline): I HAVE TO LIVE EVERY DAY LIKE THIS

we don't inherit the earth from the dinosaurs, we borrow it from the post-human cockroach people.

Image description: The comic is a photo of a T-Rex toy against some trees, divided into six square panels containing white strips with typewriter font, as in "a softer world" Typewriter strip: Our bones are buried Typewriter strip: like rocks Typewriter strip: our last words Typewriter strip: written all over: Typewriter strip: "You were not the first" Typewriter strip: "You will not be the last" Typewriter strip: "Your world is ancient, full of mystery" Typewriter strip: "bequeathed by those who got here first" Typewriter strip: "and who knew Typewriter strip: when to peace the fuck out." [no text]

i call this comic, "The Writing Process, Or, Why It Is Good To Have Friends Who Have Better Ideas Than You, But Who Thankfully Work In A Field Unrelated To Writing"

T-Rex: Luke Skywalker gripped his lightsaber tightly and scowled. "I'll ask you one last time," he said through clenched teeth. "And if you know what's good for you, you'll answer. Tell me why you're here... T-Rex: ...AGENT MULDER." Dromiceiomimus: Agent Mulder from TV's X-Files went forward in time to when there's wars between the very stars themselves? T-Rex: Pfft. NO, he went BACK in time. He set his time machine to "long ago, far away" and ended up here. No wait!! The CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN set the controls to that. T-Rex: Because of a conspiracy. Utahraptor: Are you writing this live? T-Rex: NO, obviously not! Utahraptor: Oh. That's too bad. If you were, I was gonna say Luke and Mulder should bond over their shared belief in a (or... THE?) "force" which has long invisibly manipulated events, while Scully could bring skepticism to the resistance. T-Rex: Frig, man. That's not bad. Off panel: She also brings cell phone technology, which would allow the resistance to tactically outmanoeuvre the Empire, using texting to ensure information superiority. T-Rex (punchline): Good news, Utahraptor! It's not too late for me to throw away my story and plagiarize yours!!

nobody knows i'm a dinosaur

T-Rex: Hello my name is T-Rex and I'm a boy! T-Rex: POP QUIZ, hotshot: T-Rex: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT'S REALLY TRUE?? Dromiceiomimus: Because... you're clearly the world's #1 best and most-qualified authority on you, so I'd obviously trust what you're talking about. Also, if I did suspect you were SECRETLY a girl, it's not like I could ever prove you wrong. I can't DEBATE you into a gender identity. T-Rex: Good answer, Dromiceiomimus! I award you... TEN POINTS. Utahraptor: Honestly, I think it would be more fun if you WEREN'T such a boy! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: Well, gender's expressed through presentation, and you present as boy all the time. It's just a little... boring, you know? T-Rex: What?! My gender identity isn't BORING!! Utahraptor: Sure, fine! I guess there's nothing more interesting than "boy presenting as boy"!! TELL ME MORE. God: DON'T FEEL BAD DUDE VANILLA IS DEFINITELY THE MOST INTERESTING OF FLAVOURS God: SECOND ONLY TO THE RICH COMPLEX FLAVOUR OF A BOWL OF PLAIN ROOM TEMPERATURE WATER T-Rex (punchline): These disses! They're almost TOO sick!!

It's true! Vanilla is the world's second-most expensive spice, second only to saffron, which PROBABLY tastes pretty great! Oh, you meant the beaver thing? Listen. Just enjoy your vanilla coke and don't worry about it.

God: T-REX I MAY HAVE BEEN WRONG TO CALL VANILLA BORING T-Rex: Oh? God: THE FLAVOUR I MEAN T-Rex: ...Oh. God: TURNS OUT IT'S REALLY COMPLEX OR WHATEVER T-Rex: Dude! T-Rex: You didn't know this before? God. You're GOD, God. God: YEAH I KNOW BUT IT'S LIKE WHO WANTS TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME God: Y'ALL GET MAD WHEN IT'S 3 AM AND YOUR BRAIN REMINDS YOU OF HOW YOU EMBARRASSED YOURSELF A DECADE AGO God: IMAGINE THAT BUT WITH EVERYTHING EVER T-Rex: So what - you have offline storage that you load into memory? God: SURE WHY NOT Utahraptor: Huh? T-Rex: Yesterday God said vanilla's boring and now he's saying it's actually good. Utahraptor: Hey, did you know vanilla is the world's second-most expensive spice? T-Rex: I do now! God, remember everything about vanilla and tell me the most interesting fact! God: THE EXCRETION OF SACS NEAR BEAVER'S ANAL GLANDS ARE USED AS A CHEAP SUBSTITUTE FOR VANILLA TASTE AND CAN LEGALLY BE LISTED IN INGREDIENTS AS "NATURAL FLAVOUR" T-Rex: Okay! T-Rex (punchline): ...Now help me forget everything about vanilla ever; thanks in advance

5) all bad emotions deleted, all good emotions doubled in strength

T-Rex: Here is a fact: sometimes we love a thing, and then that thing isn't there anymore. T-Rex: This causes us to experience an emotion called "grief"! T-Rex: Terrific, right? Every time we love something we know we're setting ourselves up for one of two conclusions: we'll eventually feel grief when that thing is gone, or maybe, just maybe, we'll DIE FIRST and leave everyone else to feel grief instead. T-Rex: Yaaaaaay Utahraptor: There's a third option, my friend! T-Rex: Oh, perfect! Just what I'm looking for. Lay it on me! Utahraptor: Gradually stop loving that thing just a little bit more each day, ideally without even noticing! Then one fine day you'll wake up and realize there's no grief ahead of you anymore, but only a grey, blank indifference. T-Rex: Can't wait, dude! But in the meantime, I've the following demands: T-Rex: 1) Ability to stop being sad on demand T-Rex: 2) No regret allowed between hours of 10pm and 4am T-Rex: 3) All good emotions felt all the time forever T-Rex (punchline): 4) THANKS IN ADVANCE

mfw you know just enough about online dialects to be instantly the most annoying person ever when it comes to online dialects

T-Rex: Ten years ago peeps were like, "hey I have a great idea: let's use computers to talk to our pals and call it 'social networking'!" And we were all like "hey, great idea, I've been looking for something to do with this computer anyway!" T-Rex: Then SOMEONE shouted "also, let's count AND publicly reveal how many friends everyone has!" T-Rex: So now we live in a world of QUANTIFIED FRIENDSHIP, Dromiceiomimus. A world of almost involuntary HARD NUMBERS added to what was previously just a vague impression. Did you know I'm less popular than the guy who invented the phrase "butt stuff"? Dromiceiomimus: I mean, yeah, I would've assum-- T-Rex: BECAUSE I AM. Utahraptor: T-Rex, it's just a number on a website. T-Rex: It's a popularity contest! WORLDWIDE!! Utahraptor: Dude, if you really think that, then maybe you need to "unplug" for a bit. Spend some time "IRL" with your "meatspace" friends. T-Rex: Stop talking like that. Utahraptor: You might rediscover some old "likes" - and maybe even some new "favs"! Off panel: And hey, while you're "AFK", feel free to "AMA" about unplugging from your phone for a while! Sure, our "baud" may be a little slower, but we've got "kilobytes" of heart! T-Rex: ARGH! T-Rex (punchline): I know you know how to not talk like that!!

sorry mommy bloggers who don't like to eat the wings of a chicken but today's comic does indeed CALL YOU OUT

T-Rex: Are you tired of nobody caring about your "tweets" on Twitter dot com? Oh no! Have you become gradually more aware that you're "tweeting" into a vast void of quiet indifference? T-Rex: OH NO! T-Rex: Luckily there's a solution that'll give your innermost thoughts (posted for free on a for-profit privately-owned corporate platform) more #viral #traction! The answer, friends and neighbours, is PREFIXED and SUFFIXED PHRASES. T-Rex: Try "As a(n) x" or "If I die tomorrow, my last words will be:" in front, and for afterwards "AND I VOTE." or "RT if you disagree OR agree!" Utahraptor: So where I might normally say "I think chicken wings are gross and stupid!!"... Utahraptor: ...now I'd say "As a mommy blogger, I think chicken wings are gross and stupid. AND I VOTE." T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: And wow, is there a Twitter machine around here? Because that's something I'd love to "retweet"!! Narrator: BUT SECRETLY: T-Rex: [thinks] Wow! Never has a single sentence made me want to run and hide from its speaker more than right now, in this very moment!! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] WHILE ALSO CRAMMING CHICKEN WINGS INTO MY MOUTH

happy wedding to tim and pam, in whose honour me and joey and emily went to boston and in whose honour me and joey and emily did NOT commit any crimes

T-Rex: You know what'd be a big pain? Translating all our many and varied laws into a new language. And you know what'd be an even bigger pain? Picking another new language and doing it all again! T-Rex: Anyway GUESS WHAT, that's what England did because of reasons! T-Rex: They had 'em in Latin, rewrote them all in French, and then rewrote them all AGAIN in English. And when this translating job was going on, the lawyers wanted to make sure there was no meaning lost, so in the English laws they'd use synonyms originally from Latin or French to ensure they were absolutely clear. So on top of saying "cease", they'd add "and desist"! Utahraptor: On top of will, "and testament"! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Break and enter, aid and abet, lewd and lascivious, law and order, terms and conditions, null and void, free and clear: our legalspeak is so wordy because our laws were translated multiple times, and the translators, as lawyers, wanted to cover their butts. Utahraptor: Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?? T-Rex and off panel: Put "to have and to hold" at the start and it's the complete story of our weekend!! Off panel: Incidentally, how come we don't get invited to more weddings? T-Rex (punchline): Dude, I have NO IDEA.

t-rex's movie idea was mentioned in this text here a few weeks ago. if you didn't read it then, this comic is entirely new to you! but then.. HOW ARE YOU READING THIS?? the last few weeks have truly changed us all

T-Rex: I have taken the time and considered the matter carefully and have concluded the following: yes, my idea IS awesome! T-Rex: I speak of course of my remake of Jurassic Park! T-Rex: But this time, let's fix it, okay? Let's drop the LEAST AWESOME elements (the humans, OBVIOUSLY) and let's make JURASSIC PARK starring ONLY DINOSAURS. Dinosaurs bring back other dinosaurs, dinosaurs attack, some dinosaurs eat some dinosaurs, and at the end? Dinosaurs escape the island via helicopter. T-Rex: LET'S DO THIS. Utahraptor: Why are we bringing back other dinosaurs? T-Rex: BECAUSE WE FOUND OUT WHAT A DNA IS, duh. T-Rex: Nothing else needs to change! Dino doctor finds DNA from extinct dinosaurs, brings 'em back, forgets about chaos theory. It's perfect! Only instead of everyone in the audience falling asleep when a human shows up just to tell the other humans what a bad idea this was, now they're dinosaurs instead. Narrator: LATER, T-REX'S MOVIE DOESN'T GET MADE: T-Rex: Of course! All I failed to realize was that if my movie existed then no other film need ever again be made, as the medium of the motion picture will have, at last, achieved perfection! T-Rex (punchline): A'doy!!

PROBLEMO COUNT: ZERO. THERE ARE ZERO PROBLEMO(S).

T-Rex: "The best part of Terminator movies are the non-robot characters who never even travel through time" - NOBODY. T-Rex: NOBODY HAS EVER SAID THAT T-Rex: So uh, we all know there's no reason to keep acting like some REALLY IMPORTANT person said this, right? Why are we still making movies about non-robots, ESPECIALLY non-robots who aren't even made out of living liquid metal? T-Rex: WE CLEARLY HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY TO HAVE LIVING LIQUID METAL ROBOTS IN ALL MOVIES NOW. Utahraptor: You want Terminator without the humans? T-Rex: Yep! YESTERDAY. T-Rex: Robots send robots back in time to kill AND/OR SAVE the motherboard of the robot that will one day prevent robots from overthrowing robots. YES. I am SO DOWN. Utahraptor: They'll be all, "GOTO TEN IF YOU WANT TO LIVE" T-Rex: "I SWEAR I WILL NOT KILL -9 ANYONE" T-Rex (punchline): "I KNOW NOW WHY YOU CRY, BUT IT'S SOMETHING I HAVE NO INTEREST IN EVER DOING"

jaws without humans is a movie about a shark that swims near a beach for a while before pulling itself onto an empty boat and exploding

Narrator: T-REX CONTINUES HIS MISSION TO REMOVE HUMANS FROM MOVIES: T-Rex: Turns out it's really expensive to get the rights to remake movies! But GOOD NEWS: T-Rex: Turns out it's really cheap just to illegally mess with them on your computer! T-Rex: I therefore am now creating FIXED FILMS, wherein all the humans have been digitally removed, leaving only backgrounds behind them! Dromiceiomimus: So most of movies consist of quiet, contemplative scenes of landscapes, with only background noise behind them? T-Rex: YES. Sometimes there's car chases too though! Empty cars chase empty cars until one crashes, its doors open up, and nothing happens! Utahraptor: What about when you don't know what the background looks like? T-Rex: There I'll sub in some dinosaurs! T-Rex: They'll be positioned like humans though, so they match the sillouette. Utahraptor: Like this? T-Rex: Yeah!! Utahraptor: Hi, I'm a human! I have a wiry extrustion that slowly pushes through my skin no matter what! I call it "hair!" T-Rex: Perfect!! Off panel: I named myself "homo sapiens sapiens" which stands for "smart smart human"! We all thought that was a good idea! I'm on the endangered species list under "LEAST CONCERN" because if I go extinct then by god, everyone else is too!! T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor, pull it back!! YOU'VE GONE FULL HUMAN

Ah, the solar system: lots of planets orbiting the sun, doing the same thing for millions of years in a way lesser minds would call "boring" but which astronomers insist is "actually pretty neat, if you're an astronomer"!

T-Rex: DID YOU KNOW: the point at which Mercury is closest to the sun changes? DID YOU ALSO KNOW: the point at which Jupiter is closest to the sun rotates too, at a different rate? T-Rex: I know this sounds boring but it ends with EVERYBODY DYING so stay with me! T-Rex: These two orbits will one day be in sync! When that happens the tiny nudges Jupiter gives to Mercury's orbit add up and Mercury gets friggin' THROWN INTO VENUS'S ORBIT. And you know what happens then? Dromiceiomimus: Nope! T-Rex: Well, nobody really does, but it's one of four possibilities! T-Rex: OPTION 1: Mercury goes off into space. Utahraptor: Good riddance to bad rubbish!! T-Rex: OPTION 2: Mercury crashes into the sun. Utahraptor: Hah! Even better. Hate that stupid planet. T-Rex: OPTION 3: Mercury and Venus collide, possibly forming "Mercus"? And OPTION 4: Mercury crashes into Earth and kills EVERYONE FOREVER. T-Rex: Surprise! Turns out our chaotic solar system might kill us all, unless the sun becomes a red giant and does it first!! Off panel: Yeah, but at least when THAT happens, we get to watch Mercury be destroyed before we burn up. Am I the only one here thinking... Off panel (punchline): MAYBE worth it??

TO SMASH THIS WEEKEND: the state, capitalism, the patriarchy, the club

T-Rex: Voting! It's important, I guess. T-Rex: People who get their jobs through voting think it's real important, anyway! T-Rex: And everyone only gets one vote, because we all agreed that it's fair if everyone gets a say even if the result is majority (i.e., MOB??) rule! Plus we thought that, for god's sake, it was at least better than the alternative, which was doing whatever the rich and powerful tell us to. Dromiceiomimus: Makes sense! T-Rex: SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME, right?? Utahraptor: And yet, people's opinions can be influenced! T-Rex: ...Yes. Utahraptor: And this influence can be done through advertising, and ads cost money, THEREFORE the rich can buy an outsized say in any election. And buying votes this way is impossible to stop... UNLESS WE DESTROY CAPITALISM?? T-Rex: Well frig, I don't have any plans this weekend!! Narrator: MONDAY MORNING: T-Rex: Aw frig, I knew it! I JUST KNEW IT. T-Rex (punchline): I knew I kept forgetting to destroy SOMETHING