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it was the best pie and all future pies will be but a pale echo of it, the merest hint of association making them forever worse by comparison, the knowledge of how great a pie could be making how merely good this pie is feel like a personal insult that lingers

T-Rex: Smelling is mad emotional! You smell something gross and you say "oh gross, seriously, this is so gross I could drop a vom right now, make way for my future vom if you please for it is arriving soon". T-Rex: YOU SAY THIS VERBATIM. T-Rex: But it only works for disgust! A rotting corpse makes everyone disgusted and clears the room, but it's not like there's a smell that makes everyone happy and run INTO the room. Dromiceiomimus: Freshly baked pies? When cooling on a window sill, their scent is FAMOUSLY attractive to cartoon hobos. Dromiceiomimus: [small] Even granting limited flight capabilities Utahraptor: Yeah, what about baked goods? T-Rex: It's not the same! T-Rex: Pie is ATTRACTIVE, sure, but not on the same level. I came across a whale rotting on the beach once, and it was like there was a physical WALL there. Every cell in my body was saying "MAD NASTY: do not approach!". I've never experienced that but in reverse with a pie! Narrator: BUT LATER, T-REX EXPERIENCES THAT BUT IN REVERSE WITH A PIE: T-Rex: Holy CRAP that was a good pie!! Narrator (punchline): THE END, IT WILL REMAIN FOREVER BEYOND OUR GRASP

he's RELATABLE and he ALWAYS SINGS

T-Rex: One day Aladdin - the out of copyright one, not the Disney one, though these two characters are otherwise REAL SIMILAR only mine sings more - found a magic lamp! T-Rex: "I found a magic lamp!" sang Aladdin! T-Rex: "A lamp, a lamp, I am the champ", he sang, "I may be just a lovable scamp, but now I have a magic lamp," he continued, still in song. Dromiceiomimus: This Aladdin sings a lot? T-Rex: Oh, constantly. Like, he is never not singing. Utahraptor: And then he tricks princess Jasmine by pretending to be rich but they fall in love for real? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: And then it's years later and he's an adult in middle age. "My feet hurt and I'm always cold," he sang. "I thought this only happened when you got old / I'm only in my thirties and out of wishes / My back hurts when I bend over to do the dishes". T-Rex (punchline): Jasmine sighed contentedly because she knew what she was signing up for when she married him, the end!

mods??

T-Rex: Here's how pain SHOULD work! "Hello brain, this is foot. We have stepped on a tack. Pain is at 65% of maximum." T-Rex: Then *I* say "Hello foot, this is brain. Acknowledged." THE END. T-Rex: Instead, I get to feel the pain of having briefly HAD a tack in my foot for days. DAYS! What possible purpose does that have? Utahraptor: Deterrence? If the pain lingers, you're unlikely to do it again? T-Rex: But it was an accident! T-Rex: I never intended to do it in the first place, so I can't learn anything from pain if its initial cause is outside my control! Utahraptor: I don't know what to tell you, man. T-Rex: I don't know what to tell me either! God: SO OF EVERYTHING HAPPENING IN THE WORLD YOUR MOST PRESSING CONCERN IS "MY FOOT HURTS" T-Rex: Um, all my sentences are proceeded by an inaudible "climate change requires structural change, also:"? T-Rex (punchline): Plus it hurts real bad??

except the day will come when your kids put you in an Old Z'Xtolth's Home and you're like, dang, owned again

T-Rex: If you live long enough, eventually you're older than most people. And on that day, you probably won't notice! T-Rex: You'll just continue on as you always have, unaware that you're now mathematically An Old! T-Rex: That's because you're likely to be surrounded by friends of a similar age, which hides the truth. But every day the faces you see on the street will be younger and younger than you. You can only hide it for so long. Utahraptor: Until the day EVERYONE can tell you're older than average? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Eventually you become noticeable, first as "that old guy", then "that really old guy", then "that old guy, can he not die?", then "the immortal one who feasts", then simply as "Z'Xtolth the Inevitable". T-Rex: And then you WIN. Off panel: Yep! That's life for you!! T-Rex (punchline): Can't wait!

thank u ghost sun for saving us all in 10^100 years, that is right good of you. i mean spooky. it's right spooky of you.

T-Rex: We need MORE supernatural creatures. Everyone knows about vampires and zombies and ghosts and zombie ghosts. What we need is something new! T-Rex: And I'm just the person to supply it! T-Rex: Okay, so this NEW supernatural creature is like a ghost, but for inanimate objects. So it's a full moon and you hear music and you think "oh hey there's my portable music player I lost a few years back" but then when you reach for it YOUR HAND PASSES RIGHT THROUGH BECAUSE IT'S A GHOST!! T-Rex: Terrifying. Utahraptor: Seems pretty derivative of ghosts and not scary at all, actually? T-Rex: Are you kidding me?? T-Rex: Once inanimate objects can become ghosts, ANYTHING can become ghosts. If a GHOST SUN shows up in the sky, I'm friggin' terrified! It's about to cook everything on Earth, and that's it for life, man! GAME OVER! Ghost suns are an extinction-level event, and there ain't NOTHING we can do!! Off panel: In theory, couldn't a ghost sun keep us all alive after all OTHER suns have died in the heat death of the universe? Making it, in fact, a REVERSE extinction-level event? T-Rex: Oh dang!! T-Rex (punchline): Thank you ghost suns for your future service

the world itself is more filled with axe murderers, who ONLY hang out in cabins in the woods and LOVE ironic punishment for perceived moral transgressions

T-Rex: If you look back at a lot of horror movies, they're cheesy! Trains driving towards the camera, ghosts in the attic that just want to play checkers, that sort of thing. T-Rex: But if you look at modern horror: way spooky!! T-Rex: The conclusion is obvious: just as a joke becomes less funny the more you hear it, horror is the same! In our own times it used to be a little girl crawling towards you with black hair over her face was scary, now it's self-parody. If we are to remain terrified, we NEED a constant stream of new spookums!! Utahraptor: But that's what we HAVE been doing, for decades and decades! T-Rex: PRECISELY. T-Rex: Modern horror is great BECAUSE there's a financial incentive to push the limits of terror itself! Our thirst for spooks has led to a progressively more terrifying world, and I foresee a day where horror will be SO SPOOKY, those who are improperly prepared, like nerds and babies, will die from shock! Off panel: I mean, you could argue that it's not horror, just that the world ITSELF that has become scarier. T-Rex (punchline): Ooh, that's a great premise!! I can't wait to see it explored in a low-budget film, complete with teens being murdered at an average rate of one every 15 minutes

MMMMM I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THINGS LIKE THAT BUT I'M THE DEVIL SO BREAKING RULES IS WELL ESTABLISHED TO BE WITHIN MY WHEELHOUSE

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX T-Rex: The Devil! Devil: YES IT IS I AND I COME TO YOU WITH AN INFERNAL BARGAIN Devil: WOULD YOU RATHER NEVER PLAY A VIDEO GAME AGAIN T-Rex: Go on... Devil: OR PLAY VIDEO GAMES CONSTANTLY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE T-Rex: That's not a very hard choice. They're always making new video games, and the games themselves are always getting better, and there's a lot of variety. I'd take the same with books! T-Rex: Gimme experiences I enjoy filtered through the heightening prism of art, please! Devil: AHA BUT THEN YOU'D STARVE BECAUSE YOU'D PLAY VIDEO GAMES INSTEAD OF EATING T-Rex: I'd still eat! Devil: NO BECAUSE ALL VIDEO GAMES REQUIRE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION T-Rex: Nah... I'd eat. Devil: IN THE SCENARIO OF MY HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO EAT THAT IS THE TWIST THAT MAKES IT INFERNAL T-Rex: Can another twist be that the games are their best versions from alternate timelines where the devs have more money AND time? Devil: OH DAMN Devil: DAMN Devil (punchline): YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY BE IN CHARGE HERE THAT'S WAY BETTER

also the bullets are poisoned

T-Rex: Our hero, the superspy Angola Maldives, has found himself stranded deep within the most inhospitable place on Earth - Antarctica! T-Rex: And if his wits are not equal to this incredible challenge - he will PERISH! Dromiceiomimus: I mean, it's just Antarctica's not the MOST inhospitable place on Earth, T-Rex. T-Rex: Are you kidding me? Very little food, and you can freeze to death in minutes. MINUTES! Dromiceiomimus: Sure, but, like - inside a sealed vat of acid you'd die in SECONDS. Dromiceiomimus: Seems pretty inhospitable to me. Utahraptor: Yeah, plus, what if that vat of acid was falling from the sky high above Antarctica? T-Rex: WHAT? Utahraptor: It'd be even colder, PLUS you've got the fall damage, PLUS the acid, PLUS everything that Antarctica gives you. Way more inhospitable. Also, the acid should be electrified. T-Rex: FINE. Angola has found himself stranded deep inside a vat of acid, in freefall... T-Rex: ...high above Antarctica, WHILE being electrocuted! If his wits are not equal to this incred- Off panel: Also he's being shot. T-Rex (punchline): Okay, no, he's definitely dead

the assist trophy of waluigi is a life model decoy, a robot built to perform to within 99% of baseline waluigi norms for just such a situation

T-Rex: Waluigi, whose name meant "Bad Luigi", stared in shock! Narrator: WALUIGI - a Fan Fiction T-Rex: He'd just met LUIGI, whose name meant "Luigi". And Luigi was his EXACT OPPOSITE! Where Luigi was good, Waluigi was bad. Where Luigi was afraid of ghosts, Waluigi was fearless in the face of supernatural evidence that consciousness can survive death. Where Luigi was sexually ashamed, Waluigi was bold, confident, and always carried a single long-stemmed rose, just in case. Utahraptor: It sounds like they're not going to get along! T-Rex: Oh, on the contrary! T-Rex: By definition, everything Waluigi didn't know, Luigi did - AND vice versa. Between the two of them, they had the sum total of ALL POSSIBLE KNOWLEDGE in their heads. So by teaming up, the two of them were able to solve all sorts of problems, taking breaks only to race karts together. T-Rex: And similar to how the President and VP aren't allowed to be on the same plane in case it crashes, Waluigi and Luigi weren't both allowed to be in Smash. Off panel: So THAT'S the reason. T-Rex (punchline): RIGHT?? As you can see, my fanfic satisfies everyone

the secret to utopia has been achieved!! don't tell anyone who sucks though, THEY'RE not invited

T-Rex: Imagine a world where everyone lives in peace, harmony, and you know all the bad stuff that's happening that's really annoying and bad? Yeah: that doesn't happen here. How is this wonderful world possible? The answer is simple: T-Rex: ...we have been replaced as the dominant species on the planet! T-Rex: A mass extinction has killed us all, and when life struggled from the ashes of our world and re-evolved to fill the now-empty niches, it took a vastly different form! I mean, obviously physically they're identical to us - PLEASE, these bodies RULE - but mentally they're just way better. They're kind, caring - perfect, really. Utahraptor: And so Earth is a utopia? T-Rex: Absolutely! T-Rex: These NEW dinosaurs can do what we never did, Utahraptor, and under their enlightened stewardship the planet becomes its best self. Utahraptor: I dunno man, this kinda just sounds like the standard fantasy of "what if reality, but nobody sucks". T-Rex: And that's a bad thing?? Banner: WHAT IF REALITY, BUT NOBODY SUCKS? T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): What if indeed, my friends

I'm relatively certain life has always been this way and, AS YOU KNOW, it is MEGA ILLEGAL to suggest otherwise??

Narrator: 2010: T-Rex: Hi! So hey, here's an idea: stop sharing stupid articles on Facebook! Narrator: STOP SHARING STUPID ARTICLES ON FACEBOOK Narrator: an e-card T-Rex: The problem is as such: you post a stupid article that's barely above "FW: FW: FW: RE: FW: FW: a discredited paragraph from 1993" - AND SOMETIMES IT IS JUST LITERALLY THAT - and it's not like it's a one-off. Dromiceiomimus: It keeps happening. T-Rex: It's like you're the world's finest researcher in the field of Incorrect Ideas, sharing your latest finds!! Narrator: 2011: Utahraptor: Also I'm pretty sure you're racist. T-Rex: DIDN'T WANT TO SAY IT BUT YEP Narrator: 2016: T-Rex: Also you're ruining the internet and also maybe society?? Utahraptor: YEP Narrator: 2056: T-Rex: Also remember when Facebook was optional and we didn't destroy civilization on the behalf of a website initially built to rate, without their consent, whether women in your classes were hotter than a randomly-chosen farm animal?? Off panel (punchline): I do not

anyway i'm SURE this isn't part of some weird alien experiment so we should ALL stop worrying about it. end communication

T-Rex: Hey, remember what life was like when you were one and a half years old? T-Rex: ...Did you just say yes? T-Rex: BECAUSE IF YOU DID YOU'RE LYING AS WE ALL SUFFER FROM CHILDHOOD AMNESIA!! T-Rex: Childhood amnesia is the inability we have as adults to remember things that happened before we were two at the very earliest, and sometimes no earlier than six years old! Dromiceiomimus: Why does it happen? T-Rex: We just don't know! Dromiceiomimus: How does it happen? T-Rex: We just don't know! Utahraptor: Does it happen to other animals? T-Rex: We just DO know, and the answer is yes! T-Rex: Listen, we live on a planet where as far as we can tell it's impossible for EVERY LIVING THING to avoid COMPLETELY FORGETTING what their earliest portion of their life was like, and we all act like this INCREDIBLY SINISTER FACT is normal!! Utahraptor: Insane. INSANE! Off panel: Anyway, I'm off to bed to sleep, an activity I will spend fully a third of my life doing, and science still can't say precisely why! T-Rex: Except that if you don't, you'll die! Off panel: Hah hah hah! Off panel (punchline): It's not sinister at all!!

birds: pretty? someone distantly related to birds says: yes!

T-Rex: All of us - I AM ASSUMING - were born and raised on Earth. T-Rex: Is it any surprise that we generally find it to be a pretty beautiful place? T-Rex: I keep trying to look at it with alien eyes, thinking things like "oh gross, if you leave some dirt bare green things start growing out of it" and "oh gross, the air has these uncontrollable ravenous animals darting through it", but it never takes. I just think trees and birds are pretty! I think blue skies and clouds are pretty! I CANNOT ESCAPE MY HERITAGE OF BEING A CHILD OF EARTH!! Utahraptor: It could be that those things are just intrinsically pretty. T-Rex: I refuse to believe it! T-Rex: I think that if aliens ever DO come down, and we can talk to them, and we ask them to show us a pretty thing, they're not going to talk about clouds. They're going to talk about the maddening non-Euclidian teeth of the Nightmare Beasts of their homeworld, Deltachron Seven. Off panel: That's... an oddly specific prediction. T-Rex: I don't think so! I mean, like everyone, I see those same teeth whenever I close my eyes. Off panel: T-Rex... T-Rex (punchline): LIKE EVERYONE

all that's left is for me to spend my entire life studying ways to win this argument, and then, on my deathbed, deliver unto you a new brand of atomic-tier ownage hitherto unseen on this planet

T-Rex: In the middle ages you'd go to school for only a little bit to learn simple things, and then you'd start working! T-Rex: And now you go to school for longer to learn more complicated things! T-Rex: And it stands to reason that as we discover and invent more and more complicated things, the training required to fully understand those things will also go up. The logical endpoint is that we will reach a point where you study for ALL YOUR LIFE, and then spend the last week of your life frantically adding to the store of knowledge before you die. Utahraptor: Or that we just divide things up! Seems easier. That's what PhDs are, right? Utahraptor: You take the world, study one tiny slice of it, and in doing so discover something new. Done. Problem solved. T-Rex: Okay, but maybe there'll be problems that REQUIRE the vast depth AND breadth of knowledge that can ONLY come from - Off panel: - groups of well-intentioned and informed people frankly discussing an issue? T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR T-Rex (punchline): I am TRYING to describe a KNOWLEDGE APOCALYPSE and you are NOT HELPING

my all-time favourite is "reverse funnel system" because WHAT DOES A FUNNEL LOOK LIKE WHEN YOU TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN, THEREBY REVERSING IT?? IT'S A PYRAMID, HOW IS NOBODY SEEING THIS

T-Rex: GUESS WHOSE COUSIN JUST GOT INVOLVED IN A PYRAMID SCHEME?? T-Rex: Pardon me, a "reverse funnel system"! T-Rex: Pardon me, a "multi-level marketing platform". Dromiceiomimus: Pardon me, a "direct sales opportunity". T-Rex: Pardon me, a "system for entrepreneurs to own your own business and set your own hours with failsafe income". Utahraptor: Pardon me, "independent network selling". T-Rex: Pardon me, a "referral marketing system". T-Rex: Pardon me, an "income matrix growth structure". Utahraptor: Anyway, whose cousin was it? Was it yours? T-Rex: Yeah, it was my cousin who got involved in a pyramid scheme. T-Rex: Pardon me, "inline marketing possibility for like-minded self-starters" Off panel: Pardon me, "concentric sales home-based business". T-Rex (punchline): Pardon me, "ladder to success sales franchise".

i tried to find a name that wasn't taken but it was really hard, so all i can say is, if your name is "justin manitou"... WATCH OUT

T-Rex: What's the sequence of sounds that sound intelligible in the most languages? Like if the sounds I make when I say "Hi there" in English meant "No thanks" in another language! T-Rex: I WANT TO LEARN THESE PHRASES. Dromiceiomimus: Why are they so important to you, bud? T-Rex: Because then I can speak in multiple languages simultaneously! I could stand in front of a linguistically diverse group of people and speak to them all AT THE SAME TIME!! T-Rex: That's awesome! Utahraptor: Yeah, but you'd be saying different things to each of them. T-Rex: EVEN BETTER. T-Rex: It gives me DENIABILITY, Utahraptor. Look, all I'm saying is this: we need to direct our linguistic development so that the English sounds for "Hi please don't kick anyone, that's for darn sure" in some other language sound EXACTLY like "Definitely kick Justin Manitou right in the bottom, please". T-Rex: Actually, that's not true! T-Rex (punchline): I'm ALSO saying that, while we're at it, I DEFINITELY need to meet a Justin Manitou that I don't particularly care for

AND YET / I CANNOT BE BLAMED

God: T-REX WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD T-Rex: Oh gosh, no question: bone marrow. Prepared right? It's AMAZING. It's so good. It's SO good that I feel like it must be costing me something. T-Rex: And that's why I love bone marrow! God: HUH God: INTERESTING T-Rex: What? What's interesting about my answer, God? It's my favourite food! Utahraptor: Perhaps it's just your favourite food you've HAD, and there's food in another culture you'd like more! T-Rex: Hmm. Utahraptor: Or heck, perhaps your TRUE favourite food would be an animal that went extinct 500 million years ago, or one that won't evolve for another 500 million years! Perhaps we're all wallowing in a global minimum for tasty animals but don't realize it, and will NEVER realize it!! God: THAT UTAHRAPTOR MAKES SOME GOOD POINTS AND I'M REALLY GLAD I INTELLIGENTLY DESIGNED HIM T-Rex: What?! You can't take the credit for INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE, God!! God: HMM God (punchline): SEEMS THIS T-REX I DESIGNED IS MUCH TOO SASSY

in another timeline though: BOY HOWDY does it have a moral! And you better believe it is as inescapable as it is memorable!!

T-Rex: One day the ability to travel BETWEEN timelines is invented! If you don't like an event that happened here... T-Rex: ...switch to a timeline where it didn't happen! T-Rex: Of course, the second this happened people started switching timelines like crazy. Spill coffee all over your new couch? NEW TIMELINE. The slow decline of democracies in the face of populism? NEW TIMELINE. Ask someone out and they said no and now you're too embarrassed to see them again? Dromiceiomimus: New timeline? T-Rex: NEW TIMELINE. Utahraptor: What about if I'm the guy with the couch? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: What about if I'm the guy who DIDN'T spill coffee on my couch, and then another me shows up and is like "this is my couch now"? I don't want that clumsy oaf on the couch! He's already spilled coffee on it once! T-Rex: Oh, you just move to a timeline where he didn't show up. T-Rex: In conclusion, this causes a cascade of timeline refugees, but on the plus side really unpopular timelines are almost empty, so that's nice. Off panel: Does this story have a moral? T-Rex: My friend! T-Rex (punchline): Not in this timeline!!

and also this animated gif where a cat leaps on and knocks over a baby. THE FUTURE NEEDS TO KNOW

God: T-REX WHAT IS THE MOST VALUABLE THING T-Rex: I dunno... diamonds? No wait, antimatter diamonds! No wait, antimatter diamonds made out of dark matter... T-Rex: ...AND ALSO INKJET PRINTER INK?? T-Rex: OH SNAP; IN MY OPINION PRINTER INK IS SIMPLY TOO EXPENSIVE!! God: NO I MEAN LIKE WHAT'S THE MOST VALUABLE INVENTION DINOSAURS HAVE COME UP WITH God: WHAT WOULD YOU SAVE SO THAT THE MILLIONS OF YEARS DINOSAURS WERE AROUND WOULDN'T BE FORGOTTEN FOREVER IF YOU WERE ALL TO SUDDENLY DISAPPEAR God: EXCEPTING OF COURSE FOR THE ROUGH SHAPE OF YOUR BONES SINCE A VANISHINGLY SMALL PERCENT OF THOSE MIGHT FOSSILIZE T-Rex: ...Hmm. Utahraptor: What's up? T-Rex: If the world were to end tomorrow, what is the ONE INVENTION you'd want saved? Utahraptor: The rough shape of our bones, assuming a vanishingly small percent of those might fossilize? T-Rex: No, like, BESIDES that. Off panel: Oh, easy: it'd be THIS painting, whose image I have pulled up on my phone and am currently showing you. T-Rex: Of course! It's SO BEAUTIFUL, yet it also reveals truths that for all their ugliness are no less true!! Off panel (punchline): Yeah, I KNOW, that's why I'd SAVE IT

SOCIAL MEDIA DISCUSSION SIMULATOR HAS THE FOLLOWING NEW MANDATORY FEATURE: SWATTING

T-Rex: I'm a guy who tells it like it is, and here's some freebased truth bombs for you. You know what REALLY sucks?? T-Rex: [That thing you believe is cool and good]! Dromiceiomimus: *gasp* T-Rex: That's right! The truth hurts, babies!! Utahraptor: You're so in my face with this controversial opinion! T-Rex: And that's where I'm staying! T-Rex: I'm living rent-free in your face!! Me and my CONTROVERSIAL OPINIONS! And what are you going to do about it? Utahraptor: Yeah, well, I think that [that thing YOU like] actually sucks! I think it's bad like rabies, or even other diseases!! T-Rex: GASP Narrator: THANK YOU FOR ENJOYING SOCIAL MEDIA DISCUSSION SIMULATOR 2019 Narrator (punchline): SOCIAL MEDIA DISCUSSION SIMULATOR 2019 HAS THE FOLLOWING FEATURES: NO REFUNDS

you know you've got someone REALLY mad when they repeat themselves in french, this is an objective truth of the universe

T-Rex: I once read a scifi story from history times, where the characters used the morning dew - which rises every morning - to travel to the moon! They captured it and were pulled up into the sky with it when it rose! T-Rex: It was a ridiculous idea and I hesitate to even call it "science"!! T-Rex: People in the past were incorrect about lots of things, and they're all dead, but they should all feel embarrassed about it. THE END. Dromiceiomimus: Why does dew rise? It's water, evaporated by the sun. T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: What's the sun? A giant nuclear fusion reactor. Would a nuclear fusion reactor generate enough power for rocketry? Yes. Utahraptor: All the INGREDIENTS are there, they're just assembled in the wrong order! T-Rex: PLEASE. A reactor would be too HEAVY to fly; you'd need some way to transmit energy wirelessly, like - Utahraptor: - LIKE A SUN'S RAYS?? T-Rex: oh my god stop Off panel: The sun fuses 60 million metric tons of hydrogen every second! What's more futuristic than that?? T-Rex: If I may repeat myself in French? Off panel: Please. T-Rex: MON DIEU T-Rex (punchline): ARRÊTE

AND NO, UTAHRAPTOR, I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT BE RETRACTING ANY OF MY METAPHORS

T-Rex: I know a woman who has never barbequed because the men in her life have always done it for her! T-Rex: And I know a man who can't sew because the women in HIS life always do it for him! T-Rex: So here we have two people who can't cook meat on a fire or mend a tear in their clothing, and that seems SUBOPTIMAL. If she ever finds herself lost in the woods with a grill and some propane, her dinner is going to be INEXPERTLY PREPARED! And if HE ever finds himself lost in the woods with a needle and thread and tear in his shirt, when he gets rescued it's going to be AS TORN OR WORSE!! Utahraptor: Both these fates don't sound TOO too bad. T-Rex: But you know what I mean though! T-Rex: Whether out of love or an idea of what's proper, these two people have closed off entire avenues of human experience to themselves because they don't think someone of their gender is supposed to know that stuff! I want to know ALL the stuff! I want to gorge myself at the buffet of life experiences!! T-Rex: I want to eat so much that they kick me out, and then I want to throw up in the alleyway and sneak back in and pour whole trays in my mouth while others watch the staff trying to pull me off, as disgusted as they are impressed! Off panel: That's - T-Rex (punchline): THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS

let my last word as an elderly senior citizen on my deathbed be this: byeeeee

T-Rex: I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I have a complaint about T-Rex: KIDS TODAY T-Rex: and it is this: I disapprove of how they - Dromiceiomimus: Whoah, T-Rex! Did your scales just turn grey?? T-Rex: No, I - Dromiceiomimus: Where did you get that walker from?? T-Rex: Listen, I - Utahraptor: T-Rex, your bones! They're suddenly SO BRITTLE that I can see it from here!! T-Rex: Ha ha, very funny, but I'm not old!! I'm just POINTING OUT a GENERATIONAL DIFFERENCE, which I believe thanks to my YEARS OF EXPERIENCE - something not available to the YOUTH OF TODAY - lends me a VALUABLE and AUTHORITATIVE VIEWPOINT, which - T-Rex: - okay nevermind, I have a craving for hard candies and the unexamined but distinct opinion that the music I listened to when I was a teen is objectively better than the music current teens listen to, I'm definitely old, RIP me forever T-Rex (punchline): Byeeeee

when it comes to my raps they'll be what you're appraising / favourably, that's what my crystal's gazing / my rhyming dictionary also suggested "braising"

T-Rex: How are rappers so good at rapping?! I tried to rap and it was bad! And then I practiced rapping for a bit and guess what?! T-Rex: IT WAS STILL BAD!! Dromiceiomimus: You could say that some of it is natural-born talent. T-Rex: PLEASE. Despite OUTLANDISH claims to the contrary, I do not accept that ANY rappers "came out rapping when [they] were born", no matter HOW beastly certain boys are or were!! T-Rex: NO BABY IS BORN LINGUISTIC, LET ALONE AT SUCH AN ADVANCED LEVEL OF LYRICAL FLUENCY. Utahraptor: Then practice is the only alternative! T-Rex: Then it's too late for me!! T-Rex: If becoming an amazing rapper takes 20 years of practice, then what am I, AN ADULT, supposed to do - start practicing now and become an amazing OLDER GENTLEMAN RAPPER two decades from now? Utahraptor: Uh, that sounds incredible?? T-Rex: Yeah the second I said it I realized it sounds amazing!! I'm gonna work on my phrasing and come out rapping guns blazing! When it comes to roofs, they'll be what I'm raising! Off panel: Buddy Off panel (punchline): You'll get there

Berahfusah is hereby defined to be the surprisingly-simple act of trying to do or say something that hasn't been done or said before, as in "why don't you go take a long berahfusah off a short pier"

T-Rex: If rain wasn't a thing that regularly happened in most places of the world, and then one day it did, we would all FREAK OUT!! We'd be all "AHH THE AIR IS WET SOMEHOW, AHHHH" T-Rex: "IT'S NOW TECHNICALLY POSSIBLE TO DROWN ON LAND; AGAIN: AHHHHHHHH!!!" T-Rex: But since it happens regularly we're all "oh cool this is normal, definitely a normal thing to happen on a normal planet". And if we never sneezed and then one day started sneezing, it'd be the same thing: we'd FREAK THE HECK OUT. Imagine being the first person to DREAM?? You'd think you were either crazy or teleported!! Utahraptor: Ah, this is the black swan problem! We can't predict unpredicable things. T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: In Roman times they'd say "rare as a black swan", because as far as they knew black swans didn't exist. But then in 1697 Europeans saw some in Australia and were like "aw geez, this idiom needs some updating" and now it's used for things you can't predict, like rain on a planet where it had never fallen before! Off panel: And that's comforting, isn't it? Some events will always be unpredictable, simply because not everything that CAN happen HAS happened. T-Rex: BERAHFUSAH!! T-Rex (punchline): ...is the sound of me VERY helpfully narrowing down the ol' "hasn't been said yet" list

this story, LIKE ALL STORIES WITHOUT EXCEPTION, is at its heart either a batman prequel, sequel, midquel

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes, who was both the world's greatest detective AND the world's most famous person named "Sherlock", sighed. T-Rex: Watson was late again! T-Rex: "Sorry I'm late," said Watson - who was also the world's most famous person named "Watson" - as he arrived. He explained that he was held up by their fans, seeing as both he and Sherlock worked in the same building, which made it easy to stalk them. Dromiceiomimus: "If only I had a less famous boss," he said, "or you had a less famous sidekick". T-Rex: "Indeed," said Sherlock! Utahraptor: But then, Moriarty arrived! Utahraptor: "It occurs to me," Moriarty said, "that as the world's most famous person named 'Moriarty', how unlikely it is the three of us would each come to define our name. Perhaps we need each other, much as a hypothetical 'Jokester' might need an equally-hypothetical stern man in a bat costume." Off panel: Sherlock and Watson had no idea what Moriarty was on about, for the world's most famous person named "Bruce Wayne" had not yet been born! Instead, they punched Moriarty until he stopped doing crimes. T-Rex (punchline): THE END, MORALS HAVE NO PLACE IN CONTEMPORARY ADULT FICTION

theory: god exists but he's outside the observable universe, so uh, good luck out there everyone

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: No, this is not a science question - it's a question about God! Forget you, Professor Science! Today I'M going to... Sign: ASK PROFESSOR RELIGION T-Rex: Our first letter comes from me! I write, Dear Prof, if the fastest anything can travel is the speed of light - WHICH IS A SCIENCE FACT - and if God has a whole universe to watch so he's not always near Earth, then that means our prayers could take MILLIONS and MILLIONS of years to reach him! So what the heck!! Utahraptor: That's not really a question. T-Rex: FINE. So what the heck, question mark?? Utahraptor: Any God must have a light-speed exception, right? Otherwise he gets dusty ol' prayers from trilobites and sends - what do trilobites want? T-Rex: They're marine animals, so - more water?? Utahraptor: - and sends a huge flood, say, some 65 MILLION years from now! What are the odds of that?? Narrator: IN THIS FRAME T-REX IS LOOKING REALITY-TV STYLE INTO THE CAMERA, POSITIONED OFF PANEL TO THE RIGHT Narrator (punchline): THANK YOU FOR READING

doing rad things with rad people ISN'T a personality, it's a description of a friday night, and it rules

T-Rex: REAL TALK: am I the only one who feels like all his FRIENDS have amazing, interesting, awesome, lovable, enviable, supercool personalities... T-Rex: ...but that HE is stuck on "generic guy #2"? T-Rex: Like, I can imagine these scenarios in which my friends do these amazing things because of who they are, but when I picture myself, I just - do... regular generic... stuff? I feel like I never developed an actual personality, but instead just go with the flow and do whatever's going on. Dromiceiomimus: I disagree, dude! I think you're rad. Utahraptor: Yeah, I think so too! T-Rex: Thanks, but I'm not sure I agree! Utahraptor: Well, either case, it doesn't really matter. If you DO just go with what's going on, you've still managed to surround yourself with friends like us who BY YOUR OWN ADMISSION are rad, and we like you, so - buckle up, baby! We're going to do some AMAZING THINGS and you're riding shotgun!! Narrator: LATER ON, SOMEONE TELLS T-REX "DOING RAD THINGS WITH RAD PEOPLE ISN'T A PERSONALITY" AND HE'S LIKE T-Rex: Nuh-uh! It's gotten me this far!! Narrator (punchline): THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS LIKE

THE SEASON AFTER THE SUN HAS BECOME A RED GIANT AND ABSORBED THE EARTH: too hot but on plus side no more works for ye mighty to gaze upon and despair, 2.5/5 stars (these stars are red giants)

T-Rex: SPRING: two good weeks do not outweigh months of rain; only season in which frozen dog turds from half a year ago shyly reveal themselves in the melt; 2/5 stars. T-Rex: WINTER: often too cold or not cold enough; often overstays its welcome; 2/5 stars! T-Rex: SUMMER: the season in which simply going outside can give you a radiation burn causing your skin to turn red and peel off; swimming is fun but if you do it too much you either prune up or drown; sometimes TOO hot no matter WHAT you do; 3/5 stars. T-Rex: FALL: short and sweet! Utahraptor: Best season for jackets!! T-Rex: Peak apple cider season! T-Rex: Cronching fallen leaves underfoot: always a pleasure! Utahraptor: Trees become beautiful and then appear dead, which is its OWN form of goth-adjacent beauty?? T-Rex and Utahraptor: SPOOKUMS SEASON: 5/5 STARS!! T-Rex: SEASONS AROUND THE EQUATOR: they're all basically the same and life is an uninterrupted endless summer: a blur that passes as if in a short, inconsequential dream destined never to be remembered by morning's light. T-Rex (punchline): 3/5 stars

Its version of my voice pitched higher and higher until it became this screech behind me as I ran! Hah hah hah! What are our minds even doing, I might ask??

T-Rex: It's an amazing ability our minds have to see faces - by which I mean ourselves - in all sorts of things. Cars with headlights for eyes and a grill for a mouth! T-Rex: Knots in wood forming the classic "eye, eye, mouth" formation! Dromiceiomimus: I once saw a face in my spaghetti - it was really something! T-Rex: That's so cool! I once saw a face in the waves of the surf, but only for a second before it was gone. Our brains really are incredible pattern-matching machines, and they're gonna have false positives sometimes! Utahraptor: Yeah, like one time I saw a face alone in the woods at night! T-Rex: Oh yeah? Utahraptor: Yeah, I thought someone was hiding motionless up in the trees, so I said "hey there" and SOMETHING leaped down, only it was made mostly of brush and twigs and SOME kind of meat barely holding it all together and as it shambled towards me in wet steps it kept repeating "hey there" in my own voice! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! Wow! Our minds sure can play tricks on us sometimes! Off panel: Hah! They sure can! T-Rex: In other news, NEVER GO BACK TO THOSE WOODS Off panel (punchline): In other news, DEAR LORD WHY WOULD I EVER DO THAT

t-rex is NOT me (Ryan). One important difference is that I only comment and then like my own comment when it's a really great pun that is universally and objectively above reproach, and the people need to know

T-Rex: Back in the day, if you had an enemy, you had to keep tabs on them! What were they saying about you? What were they doing? T-Rex: Honestly, maintaining even a HANDFUL of enemies could be a full time job!! T-Rex: But now thanks to the internet, keeping up to date on your enemy's comings and goings is really easy! I can just see what they're doing on social media and interact with them there! DONE. Thanks, enemies!! You played right into my hands! T-Rex: PS: you still suck real bad, enemies!! Utahraptor: I guess that IS what social media is for: maintaining relationships, right? T-Rex: Right! T-Rex: 20 years ago you couldn't keep all these enemies front-of-mind: you'd forget about them, lose interest, you'd both drift apart, etc. But now I can hate-fav something every week or so and they'll reply "UGH YOU SUCK T-REX" and I'll reply "NO YOU" and then like my own reply. DAMN. That's the sickest burn!! Off panel: Why don't you just block each other if you hate each other so much? T-Rex: I JUST SAID WHY: IT'S MORE WORK T-Rex (punchline): GOD I AM THIS CLOSE TO COMMENTING A DIS ON YOU AND THEN LIKING MY OWN COMMENT, UTAHRAPTOR

I am disappointed to report that after visiting the past, not only are many failing to meet the standard of "smelling like roses", several fail to meet even the minimal standard of "say it don't spray it". And it remains a temporal constant that whoever smelt it has, indeed and sadly, dealt it.

T-Rex: Was everyone smellier in the past? Let's ask a historian!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: The historian said "yeah for sure, mad nasty!!" Dromiceiomimus: Huh. I guess it makes sense that as time goes on, adults would begin to sound like that, what with language being a constantly-changing and living document. T-Rex: Yeah, language IS mad nasty. Anyway, she said that since hygiene standards have improved, history people would be far below our standards, so - guess that's history for you! Everyone stank!! Utahraptor: Not everyone stank! T-Rex: Pretty sure it's everyone! T-Rex: They didn't know what a germ was and SHAVED THEIR HEADS and wore white wigs all the time, because at least then those could be BOILED to get rid of lice. Does that hygiene level scream "that fresh from the dryer scent" to you? Utahraptor: Surely then if everyone smells, nobody does! Narrator: BUT THEN: Off panel: UPDATE: if everyone smells then some people will still smell way worse, acting as if they swore on their parents' graves to outsmell everyone they encounter. T-Rex (punchline): Again, this was the gist of what I was saying!!

say it like you're speaking to siri, with an air of annoyance and an expectation that you are about to be misunderstood in a way that feels deliberate

T-Rex: It has come to my attention that many of you are single and would like not to be! Seems to me like it's time for... Narrator: T-REX'S LOVE ADVICE. T-Rex: My tip today is that too many people say "I love you" very seriously, with a lot of expectation! You should be chill about it. It's a nice thing you're sharing, not a confession that demands reciprocity! You should say it casually, like you would to a dog, and you should expect nothing more than a dog's reaction to it: a glance, maybe just a sigh and then a nap. Utahraptor: Is this good advice? T-Rex: I don't know, man! Maybe!! T-Rex: Every relationship's different: even the way we interact with each other changes over time! If it IS good advice, will it still be good a year from now? And if it's bad, maybe it'll become good later! Culture, identity, even the meaning of words changes, and we're all lost within this baffling maelstrom!! T-Rex: Oh! And another tip is to join a club to meet new people. T-Rex (punchline): 'Kay, good luck, love you!!

attention youth: once you fix climate change is it too much to ask for an all-new ditty about the chattanooga choo choo

T-Rex: There's a lot of songs today about sex! Whether the artist is singing about having it, wanting it, or relating an anecdote regarding their personal experiences with it: lots of folks are singing about sex! T-Rex: BUT! Go back 100 years and it's a different story! T-Rex: There's songs about buttoning up your overcoat before going outside and about tying ribbons around old oak trees and about tiptoeing through the tulips. Dare I suggest that TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE and these types of songs will come back again soon?? It's time for dubstep songs about AFFIRMATIVELY having no bananas and hip hop songs about old men rivers!! Utahraptor: I think some of these are stealth love songs. T-Rex: Oh sure! T-Rex: And that STEALTH horniness leads them to being sublimated into songs about steam engines or whatever! But Utahraptor, all we need is for a generation of youth to rebel against their parents by being MEGA HORNY PRUDES and we will unlock all new songs about this once-forgotten subject matter! Off panel: So once again, like everyone else, you're saying it's up to the youth to save us. T-Rex (punchline): YES! Attention youth! Your parents were too proud about being horny and I want to hear a new song about holding hands on cloudy day!!

do not show this comic to any babies; i don't want to have to go over this with them AGAIN

T-Rex: When a BABY poops through a diaper, his clothes, and the swaddling, it's treated as a gross yet still impressive feat... T-Rex: ...but when I do it, it's just gross? T-Rex: Mods?? Narrator: THE END T-Rex: When a BABY throws up milk, everyone coos and pats him on the back! Utahraptor: Everyone does that! T-Rex: But when I throw up milk, everyone takes several steps away and says "oh god stop drinking that much milk, can't you see it doesn't agree with you, this happens every day, why, why". Utahraptor: Again: seems like a double standard?? Narrator: THE END Narrator (punchline): THANK YOU FOR READING "COMPLAINTS ABOUT BABIES COMICS"

we're all just gonna let the fact that language was called a "hallucination" pass, huh? cool cool

T-Rex: Time to invent a new cuss word, cats and kittens! And that word is... T-Rex: ... T-Rex: ... T-Rex: ...BEIGE!! Dromiceiomimus: That's it? "Beige" is supposed to be rude now? T-Rex: It is. It's a VERY saucy verb, Dromiceiomimus. And dare I say... ADJECTIVE?? Dromiceiomimus: But how are we to describe things that are actually beige? T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: How rude Utahraptor: You know language is a SHARED hallucination, right? T-Rex: Right! Utahraptor: So if you invent words it's gonna be challenging enough to get them to spread, but if you're inventing new RUDE meanings for words that already have existing and very common meanings, it's going to be almost impossible! T-Rex: Well I have one word to say in response to that! T-Rex: (It starts with a "b" and ends with an "eige", Utahraptor.) Off panel: I got that, yeah. T-Rex (punchline): (It's gonna be rude to say in front of a baby soon)

look, all i'm saying is, why learn 100 words when you can be MUCH more productive by learning 1 word and 99 prefixes!!

T-Rex: Petrichor is the pleasant smell that you get when rain falls on dry soil! T-Rex: Therefore, the regular smell of dirt BEFORE rain is prepetrichor! T-Rex: But, we remind ourselves, the future is unknowable and it may never rain again. Therefore, the standard smell of dirt is better described as postpetrichor, referring as it does to a known and previous rain. Dromiceiomimus: What about the nice smell of dinosaurs and humans after the rain? T-Rex: Dinopostpetrichor and anthropostpetrichor, respectively. Utahraptor: Are you relating... ALL smells to petrichor? T-Rex: JUST WATCH ME. T-Rex: We like our own smells due to autodinopostpetrichor, and we dislike the smell of garbage because of how far it is acceptability-wise from nice rain smell. Therefore, garbage smells antipostpetrichor. And smelly humans are antianthropostpetrichor. T-Rex: You may wonder if I am accepting feedback on these new words. T-Rex (punchline): Friends! The answer is "oh hell no"!!

given the lack of mobile devices in this comic, let's say it takes place 15 years ago, setting it squarely in the celebrated "dinosaur comics circa 2004" continuity. and given t-rex calling his ankle "ankie", let's go on to say it takes place in the celebrated "non-canon, MY t-rex would never say that, here is a fan fiction that both explains and corrects this gaffe" continuity!!

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Our first letter comes from Russia! Wow, "Russia". That's a crazy name. T-Rex: Russia asks what its capital is! T-Rex: This is an easy one. Russia's capital is - wait, is it Moscow or Saint Petersburg? Dromiceiomimus: It depends on what time period you're in, I think? T-Rex: Aha! A trick question! TO THE INTERNET! Utahraptor: Is the internet this way?? T-Rex: My computer is! Utahraptor: Wait, you're going home to check? Dude, my place is closer, and I've got faster internet there anyway. T-Rex: ONLY PART OF THAT IS CORRECT. My internet's faster, yo. Utahraptor: Are you coming or not?? T-Rex: Okay okay fine!! Narrator: BUT SOON, DISASTER! T-Rex: Whoah whoah whoah, hold up! T-Rex (punchline): I sprained my ankie

you have gained 1 point(s) of DECIDING THAT THE MORE UNPOPULAR YOUR OPINION IS THE MORE CORRECT IT IS! you have unlocked the achievement of: "BEING 'FUN' AT 'PARTIES'"

T-Rex: You want a friend to tell you when you have a piece of spinach stuck between your teeth! They do you some small immediate harm (embarrassment) to save you larger and longer-term harm (mega huge public embarrassment)! T-Rex: This is (among) what friends are for!! T-Rex: HOWEVER, a friend who ONLY speaks up when you're embarrassing yourself wouldn't seem like a good friend. They'd seem like they're watching you, waiting for you to mess up so that they can tell you. Dromiceiomimus: True. Therefore, an ideal friend will also give you compliments! Utahraptor: Yes - a "you look great, baby" can go a long away against the occasional "you have toilet paper trailing behind you, baby! T-Rex: Exactly! Therefore, a COMPLETELY RATIONAL way to look at compliments is that someone is merely filling up the bank with good vibes now because they know you're gonna screw up soon, turning each and every compliment into a larger stealth insult!! Utahraptor: What? No, that's not what I meant! Off panel: See, this is why I don't like people who view the world transactionally. T-Rex: I have lost 1 point(s) with UTAHRAPTOR but gained 2 point(s) of HAPPINESS THAT COMES FROM BEING CORRECT! T-Rex (punchline): Sweeeet

but UNTIL then I want to talk about IDIOMS and METAPHORS

T-Rex: The whole chaos theory / timeline sensitivity to initial events thing is illustrated by butterfly idioms: it flaps its wings and later on there's a hurricane on the other side of the world, or you step on one and suddenly... T-Rex: ...people wear hats on FEET?? T-Rex: These are the two classic examples! And it KINDA works because butterflies are so small to those as mighty as us, so it's striking that their lives could have such an impact. But there are smaller animals that have an even LARGER impact: diseases! Plagues! Pestilences!! T-Rex: A bit of smallpox could have a HUGE effect on the world if it's in the right place at the right time! Utahraptor: So instead of "a butterfly flaps its wings" it's "some smallpox enters the bloodstream through the lungs"? T-Rex: YES! Utahraptor: I dunno - I think the sayings work because butterflies are both small AND seen as inconsequential. So a big effect there is a surprise! A plague having a big effect is only surprising to people who have the unexamined, perhaps unconscious belief that their innate decency will protect them from infection. Off panel: BUT IT'S NOT TRUE AND ALL WILL FALL IN THE FACE OF PLAGUE!! T-Rex (punchline): Okay, yes, OBVIOUSLY all will fall in the face of plague

Correction: since sandos are named by their filling (see: ham sandwich on rye), life is ACTUALLY an event sandwich on diapers. Thank you for your kind attention to this matter.

T-Rex: Is a hot dog a sandwich? It's filling surrounded by bread on two or more sides when oriented correctly! T-Rex: Is a burrito a sandwich? It's filling surrounded by bread too!! T-Rex: But I come to you today with a bold new proposal: a lemon meringue pie is just an open-faced lemon pudding sandwich. Dromiceiomimus: By that reasoning, lasagna is just a multilayer club sandwich with a different, but still grain-based, flatbread. T-Rex: And a glass of water is just a water sandwich with hard, non-porous, nonreactive inedible bread!! Utahraptor: I feel like "sandwich" is being stretched beyond its meaning here. T-Rex: And I (clearly) don't! T-Rex: In any and all cases, it's being used to refer to one thing that's being surrounded on one to all sides by another thing. Bodies are just gutskin sandwiches. Yummers! Utahraptor: As a carnivorous dinosaur, OBVIOUSLY I agree about the yumminess of guts wrapped in skin!! Off panel: So I guess since youth and old age can be spent in kid and adult diapers respectively, life is just an event filled diaper sandwich? T-Rex (punchline): Yes! YES. LIFE TRULY IS AN EVENT-FILLED DIAPER SANDWICH, and I for one friggin' LOVE events after, as well as before, diapers

when we talk about the importance of giving young people opportunity we did NOT mean in the "means, motive, and" sense. unless....?

T-Rex: There are tons of amazing out-of-copyright characters! Sherlock Holmes! Dracula! James Bond (in Canada anyway)! Jojo Bigbottom, a guy I just made up who I now release into the public domain! T-Rex: AND NOW THEY'RE ALL TEAMING UP. T-Rex: That's right! All your favourite characters along with Jojo Bigbottom, who is ABSOLUTELY MANDATORY, are going on an adventure to SAVE THE WORLD! Dromiceiomimus: Oh, like the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? Where out-of-copyright characters team up to do exactly that? T-Rex: It's been DONE?? Utahraptor: Yeah man, it's been done. T-Rex: Well CRAP. T-Rex: How long until THAT story is out of copyright? Utahraptor: You're looking at at least another 70 years, and that's only if the author dies TODAY. Copyright countdown only begins AFTER the death of the author. T-Rex: Wait. WAIT! T-Rex: Are there stories of authors getting murdered to hasten their work into the public domain by envious, but also sexy, other authors? Off panel: T-Rex... you just gave yourself means and motive for MURDER. All you need now is opportunity!! T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): As usual

this whole scheme seems to rely on 90-year-olds being great writers but having trouble coming up with original characters or ideas while ALSO being murderous. and to that i say: awesome

T-Rex: That's right, everyone! Once you realize that copyright only starts counting down when an author dies, you realize you've just been given MOTIVE... FOR MURDER!! T-Rex: And I just told you exactly that, so no take-backsies now!! T-Rex: So now we ALL have motive! And we ALL have means too, since to do a murder all you have to do is tie someone to the train tracks, and we all learned how to tie our shoes, AND THERE'S NOTHING TO PREVENT SUCH A KNOT BEING USED ON OR ABOUT THE TRACKS OF TRAINS?? Which means... T-Rex: ...we are all now SUSPECTS. Utahraptor: Aha! A murder mystery in which anyone could've done it! T-Rex: Yes!! Utahraptor: Well, that's actually been done too. T-Rex: No, see, I'm doing it in REAL LIFE. I'm going to an authors group to explain how everyone present is now a suspect, and then if any authors DO die, the police will suspect... Off panel: ...you and all your friends? T-Rex: Yes. Wait. I messed up somewhere. Man! Murder IS hard!! T-Rex (punchline): BUT IN BETTER NEWS, I JUST CAME UP WITH AN AMAZING TITLE FOR MY NEXT STORY

please, facebook didn't just ruin PEOPLE. it also ruined websites and several countries

T-Rex: Hey, I have a complaint regarding KIDS TODAY! And it is this... T-Rex: ...how do we know today's parents are doing right by KIDS TODAY?? T-Rex: Listen, all the adults here are just FORMER KIDS doing their best. And we all want to raise kick-ass kids that are even MORE kick-ass than ourselves. But we're also raising them in a new environment that NOBODY'S raised kids in before: one with always-on internet and Facebook and all the rest! And we have no idea what effect that can have on kids since we don't really know what effect it has on US! Utahraptor: Except for Facebook ruining people. T-Rex: Except for that one, yeah! T-Rex: So all I'm saying is we're ALL flying blind in a world we don't understand and can't control and there's a chance we're not doing the best job we could, and if that's the case, well, sorry. Utahraptor: "Sorry"? That's what you have to say to kids today?? T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...I mean, it covers a LOT

if i may be so bold: Sexy Generational Wealth Inequality

T-Rex: Hallowe'en was yesterday, and we all had a lot of fun with ghosts and goblins and other spookums. But can we be even MORE spooked?? T-Rex: I boldly say: YES! T-Rex: And I boldly go on to propose a NEW holiday, called "The Day After Hallowe'en", in which we get EVEN SPOOKIER. So you think you've made it through Hallowe'en without being terrified, and then - BAM! Surprise! Suddenly it's TWO DAYS AND NIGHTS LONG and there's a whole new host of spookums you never expected, assuming this is the first year we celebrate The Day After Hallowe'en and also it's unexpected somehow!! Utahraptor: And the costumes are EVEN SPOOKIER?? T-Rex: Hell yeah! This is a night for TRUE HORROR. Utahraptor: So your costume for this night is... what? "Structural Inequality"? "Precarious Employment"? "Militarized Police"? "Climate Change"? "Wealth Concentration"? "Crushing Debt"? "Unaffordable Housing And Retirement"? "Generational Wealth Inequality"? "Broken Social Safety Net"? T-Rex: Utahraptor! I FEEL ONLY EXISTENTIAL DREAD!! Off panel: Happy The Day After Hallowe'en!! T-Rex: Wait! WAIT! T-Rex (punchline): I also feel REGRET about my HOLIDAY SUGGESTIONS

Angola Maldives also maybe worked for the UK? So it was a little weird he'd be called in to do an American investigation. Angola decided to spy on what the deal was with that whole thing later

T-Rex: Angola Maldives, who was my amazing superspy character, was on his toughest case yet: someone had stolen the nuclear launch codes and thus had full control over the United States Nuclear Arsenal!! T-Rex: THE FATE OF THE WORLD HUNG IN THE BALANCE! Dromiceiomimus: Wait, is that really how it works? Like there's one password and if you have it you can launch nukes wherever and whenever you want? T-Rex: Um - I think so? Most of my research has been watching other movies, and I gotta say: lots of 'em have a real big ol' thing for "launch codes". Utahraptor: They're only used to identify the President, man! T-Rex: Wait, what? Utahraptor: Yeah, and they're generated daily, so stealing them really wouldn't be a HUGE deal unless the culprit could act quickly AND have the nuclear football briefcase AND fake a call from the President to what would be a very skeptical recipient. They're not the be-all and end all of launching nukes. T-Rex: Okay. Well, um, I guess Angola realized this was one crisis he could solve simply by napping for 24 hours! Off panel: It's still bad that they got stolen though. T-Rex (punchline): Look, part of what makes Angola SO GREAT is that he knows the limits of his core competencies

omega five contains the godspark and lets you rewrite history, you heard it here first

T-Rex: Look, English, I love you and you've got a lot of good words and we've had some fun sentences together, but baby, BABY, we can't keep going on like this. T-Rex: You can't keep wasting AMAZING PHRASES on ridiculously boring things! T-Rex: You could've been naming DOOMSDAY DEVICES and MYSTERIOUS TOMES and SPACESHIPS, but yet you waste the incredible name "Omega Three" on an UNSATURATED FAT? Come on. COME ON! Imagine a mad scientist announcing he's holding the world hostage with his OMEGA THREE BOMB. Imagine a good scientist announcing a spaceship powered by her mysterious chemical, OMEGA THREE! But now that'll never happen, because you shot your shot on a FATTY ACID. Utahraptor: Acid is still a little cool. T-Rex: It's not even the kind that eats through steel! T-Rex: I just can't get past it. We could live in a world in which Omega Three suggested an even more powerful Omega Four, whispered to be able to rend the very fabric of spacetime herself?? But no, no, it's just a pill that smells like fish. God, you know what? That's it. I'm done. SORRY ENGLISH, IT'S OVER. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Merde, les Français l'appelent «oméga trois» aussi??

NO REGRETS. okay: some regrets

T-Rex: If I were a rapper my rap name would be "Gershwin"... T-Rex: ...and I'd distribute my music exclusively on compact discs with blue cover art! T-Rex: Because then - T-Rex: Guys T-Rex: Because then they'd be Gershwin's rap CDs in blue!! [no text] [no text] T-Rex: Like "rhapsody in blue". Off panel (punchline): OHHHHH

all i want is a piece with all the powers of a girl and all the powers of a squirrel

T-Rex: Chess has a bunch of pieces: pawns, bishops, horsies, etc. But only one of them is the best one! T-Rex: I speak of course of the queen! T-Rex: She can move as far as she wants in ANY straight line! She is UNSTOPPABLE and as a fan of the best pieces in the game, I am forever on Team Queen. Dromiceiomimus: You know she used to be a worse piece called the "ferz" that could only move one square diagonally, right? And then peeps SOUPED HER UP? T-Rex: Wait, what? T-Rex: You can just SOUP UP chess pieces? Utahraptor: Sure you can! Rules are fake, smash the state!! Utahraptor: You can invent any pieces you want and they're called "fairy pieces". My favourite is the AMAZON, which has all the powers of a queen AND a horsie. Her piece is a horsie in a crown. T-Rex: Damn!! T-Rex: I hereby pledge allegiance to the amazons!! Off panel: You don't need to pledge anything: they're just chess pieces. T-Rex: AND YET T-Rex (punchline): I still hereby forever pledge allegiance to the amazons??

DC I know you would like me to pay to license Batman for this, but I believe this slip of paper I'm sliding across the table that reads "hey listen, I don't got no money" makes a compelling counterargument

T-Rex: Okay, I have invented my OWN chess pieces! The first is MEGAQUEEN. She's a queen who has the powers of every other piece! T-Rex: "Unstoppable," you say? T-Rex: "Truly awe-inspiring in a way that will forever demarcate my life into two sections: the dread before and the wonderful after when I heard tell of this wonderful megaqueen," you gasp? Well I've got good news: there's an even BETTER piece than her. Dromiceiomimus: Is it Batman? T-Rex: Oh hell yes it's Batman. T-Rex: And here comes the question I've been preparing for my whole life: Utahraptor: Tell me about Batman! T-Rex: Batman is a regular pawn unless you lose both horsies, at which point his parents are killed before his eyes and he becomes Batman, who can defeat any other piece on the board given enough prep time. Utahraptor: Oh yes. T-Rex: Oh HELL yes. T-Rex: So the strategy becomes NOT killing your opponent's horsies, while at the same time trying to induce your own Batman origin! It changes chess from the game of kings... to the game of HEROES. T-Rex: Oh! I almost forgot! T-Rex (punchline): Nobody tell DC; I don't got no money

Chess famously has no hidden information: you and your opponent both know everything there is to know about the state of the game. But what my secret kryptonite pawn presupposes is: maybe you don't??

T-Rex: Okay so if Wonder Woman is the Amazon chess piece (see my excellent discussions of chess pieces over the past few days for context) (this context is fully optional)... T-Rex: ...and Batman exists in chess too, because I invented him... T-Rex: ...then the obvious question is, what is the Superman piece and what can he do? You MIGHT think a Superman piece has all the powers of every other piece. Dromiceiomimus: Isn't that basically the Amazon already? T-Rex: HMM YES IT IS, INTERESTING Utahraptor: But Superman also has heat vision, yeah? T-Rex: Now you're catching on! T-Rex: But since Superman doesn't kill, his heat vision only knocks out a piece for one turn every 5 turns, and that's assuming that the pawn carrying kryptonite isn't within a 3 square radius - which of course is only known to the opposing player. Off panel: I feel, SOMEHOW, that the beautiful rules of chess have been compromised somewhat by your desire to fold this 1400 year old game into the extended DC Universe? T-Rex (punchline): See, THAT'S the kind of attitude that results in you NEVER HEARING how Aquaman works

that feel when ur friend sets up their own pun and u realize this conversation was engineered towards facilitating it

T-Rex: Let's say you're a human! T-Rex: I know, I know, it sounds like a nightmare without end, but STAY WITH ME! T-Rex: As a human, you have on average TEN digits on each set of hands, and TEN MORE on each set of feet. This gives you - again, on average, TWENTY spaces large enough to tattoo a letter on! That's enough to spell out a complete SENTENCE. May I suggest" HEYHI SUPER NICE2 MEETU"? Utahraptor: Actually, each human has on average LESS than ten digits across their hands. T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: It's just an artifact of averages. The average PERSON has ten, but each person has on average less than ten, because some humans are - whoopsie! - GONNA LOSE SOME FINGERS. This drags the average down, more than those born with 10-plus fingers drags it up. T-Rex: Are averages... bad? Off panel: Well... on average they're fine! T-Rex: HEY! T-Rex (punchline): I for one regret a lot of things about the way this conversation went and is!!

NO it's not the same if you put on a dog costume, just - look, just forget i said anything

T-Rex: Like pets? Sure you do. Wish your pet could one day develop the ability to TALK to you?? T-Rex: OBVIOUSLY THAT IS THE CASE, YES?? T-Rex: Do you go on to wish that your pet could one day become competent and accomplished enough that it could eventually take care of YOU, feeding you, putting you to bed, and even managing your finances? This truly is the dream, yes? Well have you considered.. a- Dromiceiomimus: A baby? Dromiceiomimus: You're talking about babies, right? T-Rex: I WAS talking about babies! Utahraptor: They're a far cry from pets! T-Rex: On one hand, yes, parents get REAL MAD if you say "babies are just pets from your own species", but on the other hand, if we HAD pets that could learn to speak and leave home and take a place in society but one day return to care for us and pet us back when we're old, tell me that doesn't sound AMAZING. Off panel: You want kids, T-Rex. T-Rex: DEFINITELY NOT!! T-Rex: I want a GIANT TALKING DOG that I've known my WHOLE LIFE to tell me I'm a GOOD BOY T-Rex (punchline): and that is DIFFERENT

listen we all want to be better people but i'm not made of $15 dollar bills over here

T-Rex: I think I'm in the market... for a motivational poster?? T-Rex: I think that's just where life has brought me, somehow?? T-Rex: I don't know PRECISELY what I'm looking for - but I'm betting it's some combination of images and words that when I read it will make me want to be a better person and do better things? I feel like if such a poster exists, it's kinda unethical NOT to own it, yeah? Like if there's a button you can press that makes you want to be a better guy, I should PROBABLY press that button. Utahraptor: I think you may be overestimating the powers of a poster, T-Rex. T-Rex: I hope not! T-Rex: Because if words and images CAN'T change our minds, then why are we wasting ANY time with art? So I would ask to please be pointed in the direction of a poster that will make me a better person simply by reading it on a semi-regular basis, please. T-Rex: I am willing to spend upwards of $15. Narrator: LATER, T-REX BUYS A POSTER THAT READS "IN THIS HOUSE WE... REMIND GUESTS THAT THE TOILET USUALLY NEEDS TWO FLUSHES TO GET IT ALL DOWN, SORRY": T-Rex: Listen! T-Rex (punchline): Life is full of choices

don't forget to like, subscribe, ring that bell, and die of old age

T-Rex: Every day we, as a species, create over 10 MEGABYTES of new data! That's insane! T-Rex: And also the number is actually WAY more than 10 megabytes, which is even insaner!! T-Rex: The truth is, we're making more data in a DAY than anyone could ever consume in a LIFE - over 80 years of video is uploaded just to YouTube every day - which on one level: go us, we're the data champs, but on another level: what is the endgame here, and are we intended to be a Smaug-like figures, lurking on our planet filled with hoarded data about ourselves?? Utahraptor: I'd argue we're just not forgetting as much as we used to! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: It's like, of COURSE we as a species make more data than any one person could consume. We all have our own lives, and every day each of us generates one day's worth of data. It's just more isn't lost now, so more of who we are has a chance to survive. T-Rex: Huh! Off panel: That said, the idea of being forced to watch one day's complete uploads to YouTube for the rest of my life feels like a very accurate idea of hell. T-Rex (punchline): INCREDIBLE! VISION of hell REVEALED?? My INSANE reaction to UTAHRAPTOR'S latest!!

to answer your question: yes, t-rex is backing out of the dentist's door in panel 6

T-Rex: Love to go to the dentist! Love to pay a stranger to stick their fingers in my mouth!! T-Rex: ESPECIALLY when those fingers are holding sharp metal tools!! T-Rex: LOVE to make small talk with a stranger while flat on my back and staring into a blinding white light. Dromiceiomimus: LOVE to be low-key negged and high-key shamed by that same stranger WHO I'M PAYING ACTUAL MONEY TO for not flossing! T-Rex: LOVE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT AS SOON AS IT'S OVER SO I CAN DO IT ALL AGAIN IN SEVERAL MONTHS!! Utahraptor: Love to have proper oral health, which is part of overall health? T-Rex: UGH. T-Rex: LOVE to be trapped in a bod that can do its OWN maintenance on ALL parts EXCEPT teeth. Love to have just a really excellent body that has teeth that'll last forever, unless they're kept in a wet environment with food particles in it, WHICH IS ALL TEETH UNLESS YOU'RE DEAD. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Ha ha weird I've definitely been flossing, Doc, I dunno, it's so weird that it looks like I haven't! T-Rex: Ha ha T-Rex (punchline): It's so weird??

salt isn't alive so TECHNICALLY we're not JUST life eating life, we're life eating life and also ROCKS. *throws up metal horns forever*

T-Rex: We all like food! This is a true fact because those of us who don't like food have all died from not gobbling food. T-Rex: But what IS food?? Dromiceiomimus: I mean, at its truly metal core, food is just life, right? Whether you're vegan or vegetarian or ALL MEAT CARNIVOROUS FLESH-CRAVING MACHINE, we survive because we're life eating life. That's really all we are and all our civilizations are, T-Rex: life eating life. Utahraptor: Dromiceiomimus is both so correct and so metal! T-Rex: She IS great. Utahraptor: But all life we know of is carbon-based! So at the end of the day, for as much as chefs like to gussy it up, it's just carbon. The fanciest meal in the world is just flavoured carbon. Dead flavoured carbon. Utahraptor: Yummers. T-Rex: Indeed! And that's how come instead of saying "my favourite food is x" I now say "my favourite flavoured carbon is x"! Off panel: And that's how come I no longer ask you that question. T-Rex (punchline): AND THAT'S HOW COME YOU HAVE OFFENDED T-REX, THE LIVING CARBON

utahraptor will get back to t-rex about his tone and raised voice never

T-Rex: "Sorry for the delay! I'm bad at email!" is something I have typed MANY a time, but I just got it sent to me for the first time!! It's not the same! It's bad when it happens to you!! T-Rex: AND NOW MY OPINION IS WE ALL NEED TO GET GOOD AT EMAIL! T-Rex: Bottom line: email's not new and it's how lots of people communicate. I know it sucks and I know it's easy to leave an email for days or weeks or months or yes years, don't lie we've all done years, but STILL: there's got to be a better way, right? Like maybe we can teach "how to answer emails" in schools so at least in a generation we'll be better at it?? Utahraptor: Counterpoint: I will forever be proudly bad at email! T-Rex: GASP Utahraptor: If you want a response, email me again or it's not happening! I'm hereby your DIFFICULT FRIEND who TAKES EFFORT and is always a SPECIAL CASE. Will I die alone? Oh, most probably. But will I die with ZERO ANXIETY OR REGRETS ABOUT EMAILS UNANSWERED? That, my friend, is a HARD YES. T-Rex: Yeah, well, I WON'T die alone, because I'll have my anxiety AND regrets to keep me company! And with every email I don't reply to, I get new ones! FOR FREE!! T-Rex (punchline): I KNOW I'M LOSING THIS ARGUMENT BUT MY TONE AND RAISED VOICE SUGGESTS I'M WINNING, SO THERE!!

see, it makes sense for a giant dinosaur to go to a mammal for dentistry, since they'd be smaller and could can fit between the cracks in his teeth. it's just logical

T-Rex: So I was a good guy and went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned and then complained about it, AS IS MY WONT. But I just found out some SHOCKING NEWS!! My friends: T-Rex: Dentistry is a FAKE IDEA!! T-Rex: I've been going to this MAMMALIAN dentist and he's all "boo hoo, you need to brush your teeth every day so they don't fall out forever, actually do it three times a day, actually floss too, boo hoo hoo". But the thing is - THAT ONLY APPLIES TO MAMMALS. We dinosaurs can grow back teeth whenever we want! We're TEETH INVINCIBLE. Utahraptor: Wait, what?! What the hell?? T-Rex: I KNOW!! T-Rex: It's a conspiracy from Big Dentist, Big Toothbrush, and Big Mammal, but we're FREE now! WE DON'T NEED TO DO IT. A tooth decays, we just AUTOMATICALLY GROW a new one!! IT'S SO GREAT AND I'M NEVER BRUSHING MY TEETH AGAIN. Utahraptor: Frig, man! ME NEITHER! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: With all the time freed from brushing, I've solved both my personal problems AND the problems of civilization!! T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): And to answer your question, yes my mouth smells like a compost bin but I'm leaning into it

PLEASE, am I no longer allowed to speak of Adolf the King of the Romans, who became the first mentally healthy ruler of the Holy Roman empire to be deposed without papal excommunication in 1298??

T-Rex: Lobsters used to be cheap, and nobody liked eating them! They were left for the poor to eat. "Enjoy your shameful lobster!!" they'd say! "You have to eat this because you're poor!" they'd say! T-Rex: "This is for not owning more dollars!!" they'd say!! T-Rex: But now instead of cramming lobster into the mouths of the poor as some sort of weird socio-economic punishment, they're really expensive and rich people eat them! Behold! OUR OPINIONS OF WHAT HAS VALUE CHANGES OVER TIME. T-Rex: And this has TONS of implications! Utahraptor: And not just for the average and relatable lobster speculator! T-Rex: INDEED! T-Rex: For example, MY main takeaway is if public opinion can reverse in just a generation or two, then it really has no value, and everything is just a popularity contest. Therefore, it doesn't bother me if people don't like me. Utahraptor: That's good! T-Rex: Even if I'm WILDLY unpopular. Off panel: Hmm. That seems... less good. T-Rex: Because you know who ELSE was unpopular? ADOLF - Off panel (punchline): ABORT ABORT ABORT

look, all i'm saying is, are we ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN we have given due consideration to the idea that all of history might be a mistake??

T-Rex: So lobsters used to be unpopular but now people like 'em. But you know what else is like lobsters? T-Rex: YOU AND ME, BABY. T-Rex: There are tons - LITERAL TONS, AS MEASURED BY BODY MASS - of artists who were MEGAFAMOUS in their own time, and then they died, and then their fans died, and we all went "ah well no biggie" and forgot about 'em completely. Elmer Goodfellow "El" Brendel used to be a huge vaudeville star, but I GUARANTEE I'm the only one who's thought of him in a week. I would bet ACTUAL DINOBUX. Utahraptor: What was his deal? T-Rex: Oh, I can tell you about El. T-Rex: He was born and raised in America, but get this - he was FAMOUS for doing a bit where he put on a fake accent and pretended to be Swedish! Who was of course simple-minded! And who could forget his famous catchphrases "Yee vizz!" or "Yumpin' yiminy!!"? Utahraptor: Oof. All of civilization? T-Rex: Utahraptor. They called him America's SWEDE-heart. Off panel: OH MY GOD. Was history a mistake?? T-Rex (punchline): My friend! At this moment, it seems entirely likely!!

have i tripped over an undiscovered but slow-moving fetish

T-Rex: Okay so we're all a little concerned that no aliens have contacted us, right? Like I'm not the only one saying "oh god is it us?? Are we bad? Oh god oh god just tell me what it is so we can fix it", yeah?? T-Rex: We all think this at least once a month, yeah?? T-Rex: Because either we're the only life like us in the universe - in which case, wow, joke's on us - or we aren't and interstellar communication is so hard that nobody's figured it out, OR... we're not worth talking to. In this scenario we're a planet at a huge universe party and everyone is LITERALLY IGNORING US. Utahraptor: Seems like a pretty big insult! T-Rex: This is what I'm saying!! Utahraptor: Or MAYBE, the universe is full of life, but they live for millions of years and move really slowly, so they'll never notice us, but if they DID they'd say "ooh what a cute planet filled with fast-moving hot people, who have no flaws that I would not overlook because of how smoking hot they are." T-Rex: Utahraptor... do you want to kiss slow-moving aliens? Off panel: I mean - T-Rex: Wait! T-Rex: Wait wait wait T-Rex (punchline): DO I??

tfw horny is an emotion

T-Rex: Emotions! Lots of people have 'em, and a large percentage of them are COMPLETELY UNASHAMED about it!! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! It takes all kinds, I guess! T-Rex: But it's like, on some level they MUST know their emotions aren't good for them. Like when they're driving and get "road rage" - surely some part of them thinks "ah, yes, rage is an emotion, and now I'm going to allow it to make me get into a fistfight with a stranger. This is a good and correct way to live your life, and my brain is awesome for giving me feelings". Utahraptor: I mean, there's other emotions than rage. T-Rex: Oh sure! T-Rex: Who could forget such all-time champion emotions like "envy", "horror", "sorrow", or "anxiety"?? Utahraptor: BALANCED OUT AND THEN SOME by such all-time champ emotions like "awe", "excitement", "love", and "horny"!! T-Rex: Horny is an emotion?? Banner: Horny is an emotion T-Rex (punchline): Wow

this comic was written before i opened my own mystery bucket, which contained two (2) wooden letters q.

T-Rex: So I'm a savvy consumer in our capitalist system. I earn dollars and then spend them on things that I believe are equal or greater in value than those dollars! T-Rex: And I certainly don't spend $20 just because someone tells me to! T-Rex: OR SO I THOUGHT, because I recently walked past several buckets beside a "MYSTERY BUCKET: $20" sign and I can't stop thinking about it. And if that wasn't enough, they promise $40 of value inside! I'd be a fool not to invest heavily in the mystery bucket portfolio, right?? Dromiceiomimus: It's a bucket? T-Rex: And it's filled with MYSTERY! Utahraptor: Are there ANY more alluring digrams in English than "mystery" and "bucket"? T-Rex: There are not!! Utahraptor: But I should warn you, it's probably just filled with things that the person couldn't sell normally, so they tossed them into a bucket, put a lid on it, and called it a day. Hardly seems worth it to m-- T-Rex: Utahraptor. T-Rex: YOU GET TO KEEP THE BUCKET. T-Rex: MYSTERY BUCKET! Off panel: MYSTERY BUCKET! T-Rex: MYST Off panel: TERY T-Rex: BUCK Off panel (punchline): ETTTTTTT!

not to MENTION the time the movie theatre ticket guy said "enjoy your film" and i said "thanks, you too, and also enjoy your meal too mom"

Narrator: YOU ALL SAW ME ACCIDENTALLY CALL THE TEACHER "MOM" Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Hi! So, that was a thing! T-Rex: And yes, if it were a hundred years ago I would just beg my parents to move me to a new town so I could start a new life where I'd never have to see any of you ever again, and thereby give myself the chance - just the chance! - to one day live a normal life. But no, oh no, we had to invent things like "birth certificates" and "social media" and "pervasive corporate surveillance" and now THAT'S impossible. Utahraptor: But T-Rex - school was years ago!! Utahraptor: You're an adult now! Utahraptor: You've made new friends, none of whom know about that one time you called a teacher "mom"! Your shame is forever in the past! YOU'RE FINALLY FREE!! T-Rex: Oh! T-Rex: Oh, Utahraptor. Narrator: AS HE BROUGHT US OUR FOOD THE WAITER SAID "ENJOY YOUR MEAL" AND I SAID "THANKS, YOU TOO" Narrator: a web card T-Rex (punchline): There is ALWAYS more shame

part of your gift to me is accepting my gift to you, THANKS

T-Rex: It's Christmas Eve Eve! Christmas is OVERMORROW! And I haven't gotten anyone presents! AGAIN!! T-Rex: ...which normally WOULD be a problem but everyone's telling me they don't WANT gifts?? T-Rex: And I'm like, clearly you want a little something. And they're like Dromiceiomimus: Honestly, I don't want anything! T-Rex: And I'm like, no come on there must be SOMETHING! And they're like Dromiceiomimus: Seriously, I'm fine. You don't need to buy me anything!! Utahraptor: Did you and Dromiceiomimus practice that bit? T-Rex: WE SURE DID!! T-Rex: And it worked out perfectly! Utahraptor: Wow! T-Rex, that masterful display of conversational repartee for my benefit is all I wanted for Christmas! Thank you so much! T-Rex: You're welcome!! Narrator: BUT SOON: T-Rex: Hey I also got y'all chocolates, sorry, there's something in me that needs to buy you stuff and I don't want to interrogate it!! T-Rex: Just... T-Rex (punchline): JUST EAT THESE CHOCOLATES

fun fact about this comic: i friend got a tattoo based on this comic! they're a great friend and it's a great tattoo!!

T-Rex: "Garden path" sentences are those that trick you into thinking that they will mean one thing, but then as you read more of the sentence, that meaning is shown to be false! T-Rex: For instance: "The horse raced past the barn fell"! Dromiceiomimus: Why, that sentence is senseless! T-Rex: Aha, my friend, so it would seem! But it actually refers to a horse, which at some point in the past was raced past a barn, and now that same horse has fallen over! Utahraptor: That sentence is stupid! T-Rex: What are you saying? Utahraptor: What I'm SAYING is that nobody would ever say that. They'd say, "The horse that I raced past the barn has now fallen over"! T-Rex: Well, they could, but they could ALSO say my sentence! Utahraptor: Only if they were incurably insane! Do horses even fall over? T-Rex: Sure man, all the time! T-Rex (punchline): Farmers call them nature's dominoes!

the thing with ;( is it expresses an emotion that it is impossible for us to feel: the joy of a conspiratorial wink, coupled with true sorrow. it's an impossible colour, a darkness brighter than the sun, or the square root of negative 1: something too perfect for our fallen world, yet something we can glimpse - just barely - through the permissive veil of an emotional icon

T-Rex: A new year! Time for me to ring it in doing my favourite activity: T-Rex: Reading comical strips!! T-Rex: Yes indeed, I am a huge fanatic of reading comical strips!! Dromiceiomimus: Is your new year's resolution to expand words that don't need expanding? Do you call taxicabs "taximeter cabriolets" now? T-Rex: OH SNAP I SURE DO! Especially when taking them to motor hotels. Utahraptor: Well, talking with you is sure going to take slightly longer and also be more irritating! T-Rex: MAYBE. T-Rex: But it also gives ME a lot of street credits, so I'm for it. Utahraptor: Street credentials. T-Rex: The street credits are non-negotiable, so either way. Narrator: LATER, NO-ONE WANTS TO TALK TO T-REX SO HE TAKES IT TO TEXTING: T-Rex: [texting] oh man, utahraptor, remember the word "emoticon"?? T-Rex: [texting] ;( T-Rex (punchline): [texting] that was a sad, yet winky, emotional icon

embarrassing AND insoluble? oh no, that's the worst kind of problems to have. in BOTH his personal and professional lives? oh NO

Narrator: BEDTIME: T-Rex: Well, time for THIS stone-cold fox who is never wrong - which is how I refer to myself when alone - to go to bed!! Narrator: 3AM (HE'S IN BED; THE CAMERA IS TURNED SIDEWAYS): T-Rex: Oh. T-Rex: Oh NO. Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: T-Rex: So... you know how sometimes you wake up at 3am and can't sleep because you keep thinking about all your problems over and over forever? Dromiceiomimus: Oh sure. Classic adult bedtime activity. T-Rex: I THINK I JUST SOLVED IT. Last night. I made a rule: instead of thinking about MY problems... T-Rex: ...I thought about my FRIENDS' problems. Utahraptor: Oh no. T-Rex: RIGHT?? T-Rex: Dude, I was back asleep within 10 minutes. Utahraptor: You've solved a universal problem, but at the same time revealed yourself to be a horrible pal who uses the suffering of his friends as a lullaby! T-Rex: I KNOW! Utahraptor: I'm still gonna try it though!! Narrator: THAT NIGHT, INSIDE UTAHRAPTOR'S MIND: Imaginary T-Rex: [small] MY problem is Utahraptor has the following embarrassing and insoluble issues in both his personal and professional lives: Off panel (punchline): Aw dang it

wow, t-rex is so relaxed about climate change, but also moaning things like "climate change shouldn't have eaten all those chicken wings"??

T-Rex: PRO TIP: change your name to "fun" and then when you get kicked out of a party you can say "wow nobody likes Fun in there"! Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: Tadaaa! Dromiceiomimus: Wow, legally changing your name is a long way to go for a joke. T-Rex: Yeah, it is. And yeah, I'm now realizing that this joke won't be funny to the people I use it on, because I need to ruin their party for it to work. Utahraptor: Maybe go to a party and be really popular and then say "wow, everyone LIKES Fun in here"? T-Rex: Nah. T-Rex: This whole thing, Utahraptor - it was flawed from the start. I've gone too far for a joke that was better described than realized. I'm going to get a new name change form and change my name back. Utahraptor: That's probably for the best. Narrator: BUT THEN, T-REX SECRETLY CHANGES HIS NAME TO "CLIMATE CHANGE": Off panel: Climate change will one day threaten the very survival of our species! T-Rex: Hah hah hah T-Rex (punchline): YEP

okay fine YES THIS IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY and YES THE LASAGNA WAS DELICIOUS and YES I SOMETIMES STILL EAT A WHOLE LASAGNA but i cook them in the oven now so it's classy

T-Rex: When I was in university there was only one microwave for the entire food court. And it was often covered in splattered food! T-Rex: NO THANKS. T-Rex: So I started looking for Microwave Alternatives. And I discovered that different clubs had their own lounges, and some of them had microwaves! T-Rex: However, you had to be a member of the club to use them. Utahraptor: So you joined a club? T-Rex: Nope, I started surveilling them! T-Rex: Some were clearly ethnic-based, and I wouldn't blend in. Others were, like, WAY into chess. But one room seemed to have all sorts of random people! So one day I started using that microwave and nobody bothered me. Utahraptor: What club was it? T-Rex: I found out later: LGBT club!! T-Rex: From that day onward I have always supported the LGBT community because they let me microwave my full-sized lasagnas for lunch even though it tied up the microwave for 8 minutes. Off panel: T-Rex. They thought you were gay. T-Rex (punchline): ...for fresh microwaved lasagna??

or maybe i overreacted THREE TIMES?!!! THREE TIMES!!!!!!????

T-Rex: Okay, here's an open question for you! T-Rex: Let's say someone finishes a bag of milk! T-Rex: And let's say they're using it for cereal, and there's juuuust enough milk left for their bowl - Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex... T-Rex: - so they eat their cereal before putting a new bag in so their food won't get soggy - Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex! T-Rex: - but then during the course of cereal gobbling they FORGET to put a new bag in! T-Rex: Can they TRULY be blamed for this?? Utahraptor: T-REX, NOT EVERYONE GETS THEIR MILK IN BAGS! T-Rex: ...So? This is a PERSONAL STORY, Utahraptor! If you don't get YOUR milk in bags, just generalize it! It's a story about not doing a thing for understandable reasons. That's universal! Do you complain a story isn't relatable if the main character's name isn't exactly the same as yours?? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex (punchline): I overreacted TWICE today

to be fair: wine's good too

Narrator: COMICS FOR BABIES Narrator: a comic designed to appeal specifically to babies T-Rex: Right, well, we can DEFINITELY do whatever we want here! T-Rex: Babies barely even perceive shapes and colours, so really we can put whatever we want here and if the baby likes it, it's entirely divorced from whatever we say. Dromiceiomimus: Now that's an expectation I can easily meet!! Utahraptor: What if the babies grow up? T-Rex: How do you mean? Utahraptor: Suppose the babies grow up and come BACK to this comic, and then discover that the thing they loved as a baby was actually lowkey-maybe-highkey mocking them for having easy standards?? T-Rex: Well then babies, I suppose I'll have this to say to you... T-Rex: ...we're all SO PROUD of you for growing up and learning to read! And for also somehow avoiding the childhood amnesia that affects all other animals! T-Rex (punchline): Sorry for dunking on you a decade ago BUT: one of the finest pleasures of being an adult is dunkin' on babies

michael... i didn't say stop

T-Rex: It's the future! And all media is now owned by a single company!! This has a lot of downsides... T-Rex: ...but it DOES allow the most ambitious crossover of all time!! T-Rex: That's right! Now you can find out what happens when PRINCESS LEIA meets WHOEVER YOU LIKE FROM GAME OF THRONES (I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET)!! What sparks will fly when DOCTOR ROBOTNIK teams up with EVERY CHARACTER EVER PLAYED BY MICHAEL J. FOX to solve crimes?? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex... what if I told you this future was available now, without the dystopia of a single corporation owning all culture? T-Rex: I'd scoff! SCOFF!! Utahraptor: Well, you can read it in fan fiction! T-Rex: That's ILLEGAL! Utahraptor: Oh please. It's not, but even if it were... I can think of nothing more badass than reading ILLEGAL FICTION, of hiding BANNED BOOKS from the BOOK POLICE. T-Rex: Dang man, you're right! Fan fiction, here I come!! Narrator: BUT THEN: T-Rex: Michael J. Fox does WAY too much kissing on his alternate universe selves in this for MY puritan tastes!! Off panel: T-Rex, you can read a story WITHOUT kissing in it. T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): The very IDEA

now I gonna invent AND test a targeted neuron-destroying machine, leaving my plans for today coated in a thick chunky slurry of OBJECTIVE badness! You see? You see what you've done??

T-Rex: It turns out there's lots of ILLEGAL BOOKS you can read! All it takes is for one state authority to ban the book and HEY BABY, you're in BUSINESS! T-Rex: But then a lot of these banned books... aren't actually that interesting? T-Rex: AS AN EXAMPLE, in Iran any book that "defends monarchy" is banned, but there are some EXTREMELY dull books defending monarchy. Some of them are, I dare say, the KING of dull books?? Dromiceiomimus: Maybe that's on purpose? T-Rex: I hope I never find out?? Utahraptor: Yeah, and there's tons of NONbanned books that are bad too. T-Rex: Wait. Are books... bad?? Utahraptor: Nope! There's tons of bad movies, plays, songs, rap battles - really any form of free expression is gonna have lots and lots of bad entries in it! And as everyone's idea of bad varies, everything could be bad to someone; THEREFORE, we are ALL coated in a thick slurry of subjective badness. T-Rex: Aw man! The phrase "coated in a thick slurry of subjective badness" is itself bad, and now I need to identify and destroy the neuron in my brain that remembers it, or I shall never know peace again! T-Rex: MAN!! T-Rex (punchline): I had PLANS for today

it's called the wicked bible and it may well be YOUR new favourite religious text

T-Rex: Sometimes when people print books they make mistakes, typos, all sorts of errors. T-Rex: And sometimes those errors don't get noticed for a year after printing! T-Rex: And SOMETIMES, such as in 1631, you maybe forget a little word like "not" in your first thousand copies of your book, and also you're printing the Bible, and there in the 10 Commandments between "Thou shalt not kill" and "Thou shalt not steale" you said the word of God is "Thou shalt commit adultery." Utahraptor: Oh no. T-Rex: OH YES. T-Rex: Utahraptor. It gets better. In Deuteronomy chapter 5, instead of "The Lord hath shown us his glory, and his greatnasse", the "n" is GONE, so it reads "The Lord hath shown us his glory, and his great asse"!! Utahraptor: OH MY GOD God: I MEAN God: IF WE'RE BEING FAIR God (punchline): IT IS LITERALLY SPECTACULAR

WHEN WE'RE ALL KING CRABS... WE'LL ALL BE KING

T-Rex: My dang creepy octopus and raccoon neighbours, WHO ARE DANG CREEPY, kept me up last night! How? Oh, I'm so glad you asked! T-Rex: They kept me chanting "carcinisation" over and over AND OVER! T-Rex: And THAT word, I learned once I looked it up, is a hypothesized process by which, and I WISH I were making this up, animals TEND TO EVOLVE INTO CRABS. Ahhhhh! Dromiceiomimus: Isn't it just sea animals? And then only crustaceans? T-Rex: Only crustaceans... SO FAR!! Utahraptor: Your octopus neighbours had been quiet for a while, huh! T-Rex: QUIETLY EVOLVING INTO CRABS, apparently? T-Rex: And... they followed me here, didn't they? Utahraptor: Yep. Off panel: T-REX... YOU'LL BE LIKE US EVENTUALLY T-Rex: No! Crabs aren't octopodes!! Off panel: NOT YET Off panel: BUT WHEN IT FINALLY HAPPENS Off panel: AND WE'RE ALL CRABS Off panel: T-REX Off panel (punchline): WE'LL ALL TASTE THE SAME

can someone PLEASE talk to t-rex about the adjective phrases he chooses to put in front of the words "world war"

T-Rex: It's September 28th, 1918, and we're in France - in the middle of the prophetically-named "World War One"! And a wounded German soldier, too stunned to even raise his rifle, has wandered into the line of fire of the British Henry Tandey! T-Rex: And Tandey decides NOT to shoot! T-Rex: The German soldier sees this mercy and gestures in thanks before wandering off. And that German soldier's name... was ADOLF HITLER, future leader of the Nazi Party! Dromiceiomimus: Wow! T-Rex: Yes! It's an amazing story! Utahraptor: And they both corroborated this story later on? T-Rex: Well... I mean, not EXACTLY. T-Rex: And the corroboration didn't... hold up? And later research showed that Hitler took an 18-day leave of absence on the 10th of September, so wasn't even in France. But still! What a story! Before the trilogy-implying World War II, a guy almost shot but then didn't someone who maybe looked like Hitler but wasn't him! T-Rex: Wow! T-Rex (punchline): REALLY MAKES YOU THINK!!

*accordion music intensifies as a dog approaches you with intent*

T-Rex: The French have such classy names for everything. "La petite mort", "ménage à trois", "folie à deux" - they just SOUND classier simply by being in French! T-Rex: And if you are nodding your head saying "ah oui, bien sûr"... SURPRISE! T-Rex: The first two are sex things, sure, but the third one is NOT a sex thing, but rather a psychiatric syndrome that can happen when two people are socially isolated, spend a lot of time together, and start to believe the same delusional and potentially violent things! It destroys lives and isn't sexy at all! SORRY! DÉSOLÉ!! Utahraptor: But "folie à deux" DOES sound much classier than "shared psychotic disorder (DSM-IV: 297.3)". T-Rex: No doubt. T-Rex: This is the power of French: even the worst things in French sound better than the best things in English. This is why you have to be careful when learning French, for all other languages will now sound like a dog vomiting in your ears! T-Rex: Sorry, that was disgusting. Toutes les autres langues sonneront désormais comme un chien qui régurgite à tes oreilles. T-Rex (punchline): Ahh... MUCH better!