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I LIKE STORIES WHERE PEOPLE GET PRIZES AT THE END LIKE HOVERCARS OR ROCKET PACKS, AND I SIMPLY CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY ALL OTHER AUTHORS DO NOT AGREE WITH ME

T-Rex: One day Amy died, and became a ghost. And then she was reunited with all her old pets, who had also died and become ghosts! She had a LIFETIME'S worth of dogs! T-Rex: Things were working out great for ol' Amy! T-Rex: At least until she remembered that the dogs she'd had while living were reactive dogs who didn't do well with others. She'd worked on training while they were alive and although they'd all made a lot of progress together, none of them were ever going to be dogs that enjoyed the company of other animals. And now she had eight of them around her at all times! There were constant fights between her pets! Utahraptor: But ghosts stick around because of unfinished business, yes? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: Her ghost dogs had one job left: to protect Amy. She held her dogs, telling each that she was fine, that everything was fine. They were good boys. They were good girls. They were great dogs. And one by one, their lifelong task at last complete, her dogs settled into her arms, fell into a contented sleep, and slowly faded away. T-Rex: When her last dog was gone, Amy too began to fade. Her final thought was that while she had no idea what was next for her, she was certain of one thing. Off panel: What's that? T-Rex (punchline): THAT SOMETIMES STORIES ARE SAD, AND I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT

messa think there's still good reasons to be excited about the future

T-Rex: It's the very near future! So GUESS WHAT?? T-Rex: People can generate fake videos of real people doing anything they want! T-Rex: At first, it's just Hollywood that reacts, as it's only with a multimillion dollar budget that convincing videos can be generated, which leaves actors reduced to licensing their likenesses and doing voiceover work. But it doesn't take long before the technology is cheap, then free, then available on every phone. AND THEN WHAT?? Utahraptor: AND THEN THE WORLD IS DESTROYED AS WE CAN NO LONGER TRUST ANY VIDEO WE SEE? T-Rex: Nah. T-Rex: We just learn not to BLINDLY trust videos, just as we no longer blindly trust still images because they could be altered. And JUST MAYBE, this leads to a larger ability to independently consider the sources of information, leading to a more informed, less easily manipulated public!! T-Rex: Also! T-Rex (punchline): It leads to fans generating illegal Star Wars movies that are way better than the originals, so that's TWO things to look forward to

here lies t-rex, who died as he lived: horny on his many many mains

T-Rex: It's fifty years from now, and you die! Let's say you fall in the battle against the hateful aliens of Deltatron 7. It's not important right now! T-Rex: What IS important is what obituaries will look like then! T-Rex: When we're all living our entire lives online, what does writing a paragraph that mentions where we were born and who outlived us accomplish? T-Rex: Wouldn't it be more informative - and easier - to computationally generate a summary of our lives from our blog posts that got the most comments, our tweets that got the most viral traction? Utahraptor: Oh god, please don't remember me by my tweets. GOD NO. T-Rex: But the data's RIGHT THERE! T-Rex: Heck, it wouldn't even have to be official! Just plug in their handles, and a third party could produce a "life highlights" obit on demand. Utahraptor: Isn't this what Facebook is already doing for "friend anniversaries"? ARE YOU ARGUING IN FAVOUR OF FACEBOOK, T-REX?? T-Rex: OH NO! T-Rex: Well, I had a good run, but now I am so shamed I must end it all. Friends! If you must remember me, please... T-Rex (punchline): ...remember me as being horny on main

i wrote this comic at emerald city comic con, wherein i definitely did not forget ANYONE'S name, you're welcome

T-Rex: It is inarguable that our minds have physical limits! T-Rex: They can only store so much information! T-Rex: And THIS, therefore, puts a ceiling on the number of friends any of us can have. At a certain point, you simply can't remember any more people! T-Rex: And as we can't consciously decide to forget anyone, then to a large extent those that we remember are outside our control. Utahraptor: But can't the brain be trained, so that with practice, slightly more information can be recalled? T-Rex: SOMETIMES. T-Rex: But it takes effort, huge effort, and there's no guarantees. I can like and respect someone a HUGE amount, but even a herculean effort may produce only middling effect, IF ANY. Utahraptor: I think you're ready. T-Rex: PERFECT. Wish me luck! Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: ...therefore, it's a COMPLIMENT that I could only remember your name "started with an 's' or something". Off panel: I'm actually completely convinced! T-Rex (punchline): OH THANK GOD

the defense of pooplord pooplord junior rests, he has two "pooplords" which is how come he's on trial

T-Rex: Names are pretty arbitrary! Your parents pick whatever sounds good to them, and then you're stuck with it for the rest of your life! T-Rex: Unless you change your name, and that's equally arbitrary! T-Rex: And if you're named after someone, that's just a tradition of REPEATED arbitrariness. And when you add in all the towns and cities and natural landmarks named after people, that only increases the arbitrariness! T-Rex: All names are random and could've easily ended up differently! Utahraptor: Well, some places are named after features, like "Lake Placid". T-Rex: But WORDS are arbitrary too! T-Rex: There's no relation between the MEANING of the word "placid" and the sound your mouth makes when you say it! Therefore, you MUST admit that all language sounds are essentially MEANINGLESS and therefore RANDOM! Utahraptor: Okay, fine! I accept your argument! T-Rex: [thinks] Little does Utahraptor know he's just irrevocably conceded the possibility that there's a parallel universe where instead of "Smith", the most common name is "Pooplord Junior"! T-Rex (punchline): Thank you; no further questions

i looked up salt mining, being all "is it REALLY as bad as rhetorical sayings suggest?" and long story short salt is a desiccant and if you're underground mining it, it gets inside you and DESICCATES YOUR LUNGS

T-Rex: Are you considering a career in the arts? If so, please carefully listen to this list of T-Rex: Things To Know About A Career In The Arts!! T-Rex: The main thing to be aware of is the disconnect from work to quality. In most other lines of work - salt mining for example - if you put in 8 hours of effort, you'll produce 8 hours worth of work. NOT SO in the arts! You might have a day when NOTHING works, where 8 hours of effort produces exactly 0 hours worth of work! T-Rex: In fact, you will definitely have this experience T-Rex: Not infrequently Utahraptor: Plus there's the disconnect between work and popularity! T-Rex: Oh, sure! T-Rex: SO MANY THINGS factor into an artist or their work being noticed, and just about all of them are so far out of your control as to be COMPLETELY RANDOM. Great artists will die in obscurity, never to be recognized! Sucky artists will become super famous! It's out of everyone's control! There's nothing any of us can do!! Off panel: ...but on the plus side you won't have to work in a salt mine. T-Rex (punchline): AW YISS, GIMME DEM PAINTS

MARY from "PROUD MARY": still not working for the man every night and day, and possibly on fire. also, possibly a boat

Narrator: SUZANNE from "SUZANNE" T-Rex: She left the guy who claimed to "touch her perfect body with his mind" because he was creepy. It was a creepy thing to say, especially to a woman who fed you tea and oranges and asked for none of this. Narrator: The Women Of Popular Music: WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Narrator: part ii Narrator: SALLY from "MUSTANG SALLY" T-Rex: Once she realized the guy's complaints about "running [her mustang] all over the town now" referred to him wanting to control her sexual identity simply because he made a gift of a mustang to her in 1965, LITERALLY SEVERAL DECADES AGO, she ditched him. And she never did slow her mustang down. Dromiceiomimus: Aw! Good for her. Narrator: PEGGY from "PEGGY SUE" T-Rex: Accountant, happily married. Utahraptor: Glad to hear it! Narrator: JOLENE FROM "JOLENE" T-Rex: SHE TOOK HER MAN!! Utahraptor: OH my GOD! Jolene, that was the one thing you were asked not to do! REALLY NICELY! IN SONG! T-Rex: But that man was in turn taken by someone with even AUBURNER hair and a smile even MORE like spring! Off panel: OH SNAP! T-Rex (punchline): Yeah, the dude has a type but they're all working on their commitment issues

thus begins the strange tale of... THE SKELETON RUINER

T-Rex: There are people today who are famous the world over, and all they did was die! T-Rex: I refer of course to people like Tollund man or Ötzi the Iceman! T-Rex: What is Ötzi famous for? Dying and getting frozen in a glacier around 3400 BCE, which preserved his body. And Tollund man died and got tossed in a bog around 300 BCE, which did the same to his bod. Everything we know about them comes from examining their bodies in great scientific detail! And now they're famous and made global headlines when discovered and get to have their bodies on display in museums!! Utahraptor: So your secret to fame is to die in a way that keeps your body around. T-Rex: Dude. It DEFINITELY WORKS. T-Rex: If your body is found by surprise thousands of years in the future then BAM: instant global celebrity! And you don't even have to DO anything. Just make sure YOUR body survives! Utahraptor: Well - not quite. It has to be rare. Yours has to survive when others don't. T-Rex: Yes! Only MY body must survive the ages... Off panel: Hah! When you say that, it sounds like a threat! T-Rex: Yes... "sounds like"... T-Rex (punchline): ...a "threat"...

angola maldives will return... with the combined powers of quantum leap and disney's frozen

T-Rex: Angola Maldives, my superspy character who was similar but legally distinct from James Bond, frowned. He was caught up in a death trap! T-Rex: Again! T-Rex: "Oh bother," sighed Maldives, licking some honey off his fingers. T-Rex: As you can tell, Maldives was also similar but legally distinct from Winnie-the-Pooh. It looked like the deadly lasers were going to make quick work of him, but then he used the Maldives symbol on his furry chest to blast out a ray of caring (in addition to previous characters, he was also similar but legally distinct from Care Bears) which got the henchman to care enough to let him go free. T-Rex: Maldives then transformed into a giant robot jet and flew to safety. Utahraptor: Good for him! Utahraptor: Hey, here’s a thought: are you worried that there may be more to making a compelling original character than mashing up existing ones in a legally-dubious manner? T-Rex: Uh, CLEARLY I share no such concerns. T-Rex: Geez. T-Rex (punchline): Later on Maldives turned into a chrome Terminator-esque murder robot from the future, only with a slightly different and legally distinctive shade of glowing red eyes, and all his enemies were like, "You know, I sincerely did not know that he could do that".

rest easy, my friends, for Cyborgo Linefeed CAN get his paper jammed

T-Rex: Cyborgo Linefeed looked out over the landscape: a field of flowers. (It's the future! Only it's post-apocalypse so nature is reclaiming the planet, so it's really more like the past!) T-Rex: (Only there's still toxic waste left over from spaceship wars, so it's more like the future again!) T-Rex: (But with the collapse of civilization everyone has reverted to hunter-gatherer ways and over generations forgotten how they used to live, so it's really more like the past in a lot of ways. Areas of toxic waste are avoided for superstitious reasons, after people noticed that those who dwelled there got sick and died! This led to the "nuclear waste" icon becoming a feared religious symbol.) Utahraptor: When is this story going to start? T-Rex: I'M BUILDING THE LORE! Utahraptor: Sure, but - so far all you've is got is a guy named "Cyborgo Linefeed"- T-Rex: It's a futuristic name! Utahraptor: IS HE EVEN A CYBORG? You're giving me lore when all I want to know is if Cyborgo Linefeed is a cyborg or not!! T-Rex: IF THERE'S MORE TO WRITING THAN LORE, THEN I MUST SAY, I SIMPLY DON'T CARE FOR IT! T-Rex: ... T-Rex: ...said Cyborgo Linefeed, who was half bio-life and half dot matrix printer. Off panel (punchline): THANK you

sorry fellas but the only thing driving ME insane is the off-the-hook flavour potential

T-Rex: We all make jokes about "who was the person who discovered oysters were edible" because they look kinda gross, but here's the answer: it was a hungry person. T-Rex: A hungry person didn't want to die, and so tried eating an oyster! T-Rex: But it does suggest a question: perhaps there's other things, equally or MORE delicious, that NOBODY has tried eating! The world's tastiest meal could be awaiting us right here on Earth, but nobody has ever tried gobbling it yet! Dromiceiomimus: So it'd have to be something even MORE gross looking than an oyster. T-Rex: YES. Utahraptor: And it'd have to be pretty uncommon, otherwise we'd have tried gobbling it by now. T-Rex: Also yes. T-Rex: So that raises the question, Utahraptor: what's the grossest thing on Earth that's ALSO one of the least common things on Earth? Utahraptor: All I can think is... the hateful ancient god Gra'thul who dwells within the Earth's curséd core? T-Rex: I SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS ANSWER. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Digging to the centre of the Earth is way harder in real life than it is in cartoons, and I'm just gonna have nachos instead. BUT FRIENDS, I SWEAR THIS: T-Rex (punchline): If I ever see any Old Ones I'm definitely gonna put them in my mouth

for example what if they accidentally shot each other? OR THE EARTH ITSELF, FOR NO MATTER WHAT SCIENTISTS TELL YOU, HOW BULLETPROOF THE EARTH IS FROM SPACE BULLETS HAS NEVER BEEN TESTED

God: T-REX YOU HAVE A LOT OF OPINIONS HUH T-Rex: Yep! I have upwards of SIX different opinions. T-Rex: AND HERE THEY ARE! T-Rex: Ice cream: for. Murder: against. Bottomless pits: for. Dogs with human teeth: against. Humans with dog teeth: for. The Earth stops spinning and everyone flies into a wall: the record clearly shows I have long been for this particular circumstance. Arming astronauts with guns so they can shoot at the sun and since it's space the bullets will actually reach the sun: against. T-Rex: The risks simply aren't worth it, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: Well I have some opinions too, you know! T-Rex: Oh yeah? Lay 'em on me! Utahraptor: I believe - well, actually, you've covered it all pretty well. Especially the sun one. While astronauts having guns so they might shoot bullets into the sun is an attractive idea, the risks are simply too high. T-Rex: We can only hope that one day the world sees the wisdom of our ideas. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): At this moment I'd like to look into the camera significantly, but I have no idea where any such camera might be placed, so I'm making my best guess

If you're saying, hold on, I'll just build a gun that fires a smaller gun that fires a bullet to get around this, then congratulations, you have just invented multi-stage rockets.

T-Rex: I have good news about astronauts shooting the sun, which we were worried about being possible the other day! T-Rex: IT'S NOT ACTUALLY POSSIBLE. T-Rex: Because the Earth itself is orbiting the sun at 30 km/s, and the fastest gun we've got only fires bullets at around 8 km/s, we are thusly boned! You'd need to fire a bullet in the OPPOSITE direction of the Earth to cancel out that speed, and then it would fall into the sun. But since we can't get bullets to go fast enough, any bullet fired from Earth orbit will therefore NOT hit the sun, but instead end up in orbit around it! Utahraptor: That's good to know! But even better to know is our SOLAR SYSTEM'S escape velocity. T-Rex: How's that? Utahraptor: Here's the trick: 48 km/s is fast enough to get out of our solar system. And as Earth already gives us 30 km/s for free, then a properly aimed bullet at 18 km/s - a much more achievable speed - couldn't hit our sun... but it could hit OTHER suns. T-Rex, we could SHOOT THE STARS. Banner: SHOOT FOR THE STARS T-Rex: Even if you miss, you'll still have a tiny bullet careening randomly through space! Off panel: That's fine! T-Rex (punchline): Probably it's fine!

dear diary, some personal news, today i was Owned by a brand of engine degreaser on google plus and i did NOT enjoy it

T-Rex: That's right! I said it! And I'll say it again, just to cover the hypothetical situation of someone starting to listen to me only a few seconds ago and therefore missing what thing it is that I just said! T-Rex: I AM TIRED OF COMPANIES BEING SASSY ON SOCIAL MEDIA. T-Rex: Sure it was funny and outrageous the first time a brand told someone they sucked, just like swearing when you're a kid is kinda funny and outrageous. "YOU CAN SAY A BAD WORD AND NOT EXPLODE? Well BUTTS my FART." T-Rex: Incidentally, that's something I definitely said as a kid, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: Butts all our farts, T-Rex. T-Rex: What's the endgame here? If Coke insults every living being on the planet, will this trend finally be over? Utahraptor: Nah. Utahraptor: It will continue as long as it's popular, as this is ALL just advertising, so the second it threatens profitability (read: popularity) it'll end. This, therefore, is one of those rare situations in which merely complaining about a problem CAN fix it! T-Rex: *gasp* Off panel: Complain away, T-Rex, and you will save all our tomorrows! T-Rex: YES, HELLO, I ALSO HATE IT WHEN A TOILET PAPER ROLL IS PLACED IN THE ORIENTATION I DISAGREE WITH Off panel: ... Off panel (punchline): What have I done

all right, turns out it's not legal in chess but it IS legal by the laws of god and man, so... it appears we're at an impasse

T-Rex: My new catchphrase? I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED. T-Rex: "Check and mate, hot stuff!" T-Rex: It works for EVERY SITUATION. Did I just sign a really favourable business deal? IT WORKS. Did I just eat an especially spicy meal? IT WORKS. Did I just defeat someone who I find very attractive at chess? IT ACTUALLY ESPECIALLY WORKS THEN. Utahraptor: Oh no, but it conflicts with MY new catch phrase: "Mate in nine, hot stuff". T-Rex: WHAT. T-Rex: That's the exact same catch phrase! In fact, yours is actually BETTER since it suggests your giant brain can foresee an inevitable upcoming FUTURE check! Utahraptor: Thank you. Narrator: THUS BEGAN THE WAR OF RHETORICAL MATE INFLATION: T-Rex: Mate in fifteen, hot stuff! Off panel: Mate in TWENTY, hot stuff! T-Rex (punchline): MATE IN INFINITY PLUS ONE, HOT STUFF, AND I'M GOING HOME TO SEE IF ANY OF THIS IS ACTUALLY LEGAL

great news: "bruce wayne" is still an entirely legal name, and under certain circumstances hawking radiation would partially be on the visible spectrum, so you could maybe see it. well bye

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Our first question comes from Villainmaster Prime, who writes: T-Rex: "Professor, what does a black hole look like?" T-Rex: Well, I'm pretty sure I can handle this one. Technically a black hole looks like NOTHING, since no light can escape their surface. But if it COULD, you'd see - wait, I'm sorry. T-Rex: I'm sorry, I have to stop. "Villainmaster Prime"? YOUR NAME IS "VILLAINMASTER PRIME"? T-Rex: THAT'S AMAZING. Utahraptor: Kinda makes you feel bad your name isn't "Villainmaster Prime" either, huh? T-Rex: Yeah man! Utahraptor: Well don't feel too bad, because AS YOU KNOW there's laws about naming kids in many regimes: for example, in some you can't give them titles (so no naming your kid "Judge", "Captain", or "Postmaster General") and some states reserve the right to veto any name you choose if it's too goofy! T-Rex: So what you're saying is Villainmaster Prime's name is not only amazing, but BORDERLINE ILLEGAL?? Off panel: That's what I'm saying, yes. T-Rex: WOW. T-Rex (punchline): When it comes to the masters of villainy, he truly IS prime

YOU THINK I'M GOING TO UPLOAD MY BRAIN TO - WHAT, "THE INTERNET"? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS? WHAT DO YOU THINK I WILL EXPERIENCE REALITY AS

T-Rex: It's the future, and Future T-Rex (henceforth, "T-Rex") has uploaded his brain to a computer! Of course, this is a non-destructive process, so now T-Rex can chat with Computer Brain T-Rex (henceforth, "Cyber-Rex 2000"). T-Rex: Thus begins the comedy of T-Rex and Cyber-Rex 2000! T-Rex: Initially things are good, but as time goes on T-Rex keeps asking Cyber-Rex 2000 to keep track of his appointments, and how much 2 cups of butter weighs, and so on. "I'm not a digital assistant," says Cyber-Rex 2000, "I'm you. Only I'm in a computer." T-Rex: "Seems like a computer me would be willing to look up how much 2 cups of butter weighs", says T-Rex. Utahraptor: This leads to a schism between the two? T-Rex: Boy, does it! T-Rex: Cyber-Rex 2000 wants to kill T-Rex AND knows him literally as well as he knows himself. This makes it very hard for T-Rex to hide, especially since everyone else is saying "Wow, MY brain upload didn't get murderous on purpose, this is making me re-evaluate everything I thought I knew about you." T-Rex: That said, there's very little Cyber-Rex 2000 can do, because in the future all software is properly sandboxed. THE END. Off panel: ...What? T-Rex (punchline): SOFTWARE SECURITY IS NO JOKE

but when it comes to roguelikes and reality, may I just say... i HAVE successfully befriended a dog in both

T-Rex: My favourite kind of game are Roguelikes! They're games that are like Rogue! T-Rex: I've never played Rogue but whatever! T-Rex: The main thing to know about Roguelikes is that their levels are PROCEDURALLY GENERATED, which means there's always a new world to explore. And the other thing to know is that if you die in the game... THAT'S IT. No save, no restore: you die and it's game over! This makes every choice carry incredible weight! They're real hard, but once you get into them, they're also real fun! Utahraptor: Hey, you know what you're describing, T-Rex? T-Rex: Roguelikes! I just said. Utahraptor: Nah. Utahraptor: A world you'll never fully explore featuring permanent death? I shouldn't have to remind you, T-Rex: that's not a game: that's REAL LIFE. T-Rex: Oh snap! Of course! And that means if I apply even a FRACTION of the focus I bring to games to reality, then I'm sure to be a CHAMPION!! Narrator: SUDDENLY, T-REX REMEMBERS HOW HE'S NEVER BEATEN A SINGLE ROGUELIKE HE'S EVER PLAYED: T-Rex: Hah hah! Oh yeah! Right. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): *sigh*

waugh

T-Rex: One brother always lies and another brother always tells the truth! What ONE question can you ask either of them to find out which is which? T-Rex: SNORE. We've all heard this riddle. T-Rex: What we really need are.. T-Rex: ...More Complex Alternatives To The Brothers Who Always Lie And Always Tell The Truth! T-Rex: One brother lies every second sentence, and the other only tells the truth about himself. BAM. More interesting, still solvable. You - Dromiceiomimus: One bro always lies and the other always stands. T-Rex: No, that's - Dromiceiomimus: One brother lies but only about his weight, and the other is pitching you on his multilevel marketing scam. T-Rex: I don't - Utahraptor: Each claims they're the REAL brother and the other is an alien mimic. You have one bullet left. T-Rex: NO, stop - Utahraptor: One bro is 5 horses in a tremendous trenchcoat, while the other is a morass of constantly-shifting beetles chittering in a stolen skin! T-Rex: PLEASE STOP Utahraptor: One bro has a mouth filled with too many teeth while the other has mouths with an average amount of teeth, but they're EVERYWHERE. Off panel: One bro is heavy and in a yellow "W" cap, and the other is lanky in purple cap with an upside-down L; they race karts against their enemies. T-Rex: WAIT! T-Rex (punchline): For some reason, I feel they could support any number of media franchises and the tall one deserves his own game for sure??

P.S.: Dracula was immortal so the power source was infinitely renewable and lasted forever; thank u for reading my vampire story

T-Rex: Robyn was visiting Transylvania when she was invited to spend the night in an isolated castle with a mysterious count. If you guessed the count's name was "Dracula", then guess what? T-Rex: YOU GUESSED CORRECTLY AND HAVE AT LEAST A PASSING KNOWLEDGE OF VAMPIRE LORE! T-Rex: Robyn laid down in bed, her neck - full of blood, as always! - completely exposed, when Dracula flew into her room as a bat and transformed into a guy. "I vant to suck your blood", said Dracula. "How did you transform from dude into bat and back again?" said Robyn. "Where is that mass going?" Dracula explained it was vampire powers, that he didn't understand how they worked but it was super easy for him, effortless really. Utahraptor: And then he tried to bite Robyn? T-Rex: Not hardly! T-Rex: Instead, Robyn showed him how turning into a bat and back again in an enclosed container would produce sudden changes in air pressure that - much like an internal combustion engine - could be used to generate electricity. And that would allow him to PURCHASE blood, instead of MURDERING PEOPLE to get it. T-Rex: Dracula transformed back and forth while watching TV, and the energy powered the town, while also paying for more blood than he could ever want. THE END. Off panel: I love Robyn. T-Rex (punchline): I love her too, and she's my original character! IS TODAY THE DAY I TRULY LOVE... MYSELF??

*LONG, DRAMATIC SIGH THAT REPEATS OCCASIONALLY WITH INCREASING INTENSITY UNTIL SOMEONE NOTICES*

Narrator: THE TOP FIVE EMOTIONS T-Rex: 1) Happiness! T-Rex: 2) Happiness, but with just a touch of melancholia! T-Rex: 3) Megahappiness! Dromiceiomimus: Wait, why isn't that #1? T-Rex: It's a sometimes treat. If megahappiness was as common as happiness, then we'd have to rename it to "happiness" and the original "happiness" would, according to the standard metric prefixes, become "microhappiness". Dromiceiomimus: Fair enough! T-Rex: 4) The feeling you get by putting your hands into a big bag of rice! Utahraptor: Ooh, that one's solid! T-Rex: 5) That last one but, with a non-Neutonian fluid instead. Utahraptor: And that one's solid only under sufficient force! Well, buddy, your list is great and I have no criticisms for you. How about you and I both enjoy some Emotion #1 right now? Narrator: BUT SOON: T-Rex: Oh no! I got a bit of Emotion #2 in me too!! T-Rex (punchline): *LONG, DRAMATIC SIGH*

sherlock read watson's story, languidly relaxing by the pool in his robe. "you didn't describe my chest," he criticized. "you didn't describe my chest" watson repeated back in a mocking sing-song. "i hardly think that was called for," sherlock said, his robe slipping from his shoulders

T-Rex: "I'm sorry, there's only one room left," said the innkeeper to the two men in front of her. "I can only accommodate one of you." The men looked at each other. "I'm willing to share if you are," said the taller one. Narrator: WHEN SHERLOCK MET WATSON T-Rex: Inside the room, they introduced themselves. "I enjoy solving mysteries and doing drugs," said Sherlock. "And I stripmine the lives of those around me, thinly fictionalizing them into stories I sell for personal profit", said Watson, "so having a friend who solves mysteries and then does drugs sounds great." Sherlock frowned, muttering that the real mystery was why Watson would say "friends" when they weren't that... YET. Utahraptor: Finally it was time to go to bed? T-Rex: FINALLY IT WAS TIME TO GO TO BED. T-Rex: The two men cuddled together in the single bed. The next day, Watson woke to Sherlock making tea, a small smile on his face. "When you've spent a night together in a very tiny bed," said Sherlock, "whatever remains the next morning, however improbable...". Utahraptor: "Yes?" said Watson. T-Rex: "...must be a FRIEND," he concluded with a wink, but Watson was already looking down to his notes. "I can slightly adjust that and make it a catch phrase about detection," he muttered. T-Rex (punchline): THE END, YOU CAN'T PROVE THIS ISN'T CANON

nevermind, i just realized google has almost a decade of map data for everyone who once turned location sharing on, look forward for a fun app that tells you where you and your sweetie happened to coexist before you met each other in a few years tops

T-Rex: Sure it's great to meet someone and fall in love and spend the rest of your lives together. If you're BASIC. T-Rex: REAL next level stuff is to have an AMAZING meet-cute story! T-Rex: And the best meet-cute stories are the "we were at Disneyland or somewhere and he was in the background of my photo and we NEVER KNEW". So if you're next level like me, you make sure that happens! Dromiceiomimus: How? By photobombing every single person on Earth? T-Rex: PRECISELY. Utahraptor: But how? Even stadium photos only get you 70-100k people, tops! T-Rex: So be SMARTER about it! T-Rex: Instead, travel far and wide, taking advantage of PERVASIVE SURVEILLANCE, including PERSONALLY CONSTANTLY AND SECRETLY RECORDING EVERYONE AROUND YOU! Then when you meet someone, run facial recognition on the decades of footage and BAM: instant cute stories about being in the same space before and not realizing. Banner: Romance T-Rex: We were in the same mall bathroom for 15.4 seconds twenty years ago! Here's a timestamped security image! Off panel (punchline): Wow, I can't believe you found each other

his full name is "tim e. traveller" and yes, t-rex told that whole story for the pun, and yes, he forgot to actually make the pun. also yes the "e" absolutely stands for entertainment.

T-Rex: One day Tim, who hated his job, gained access to a machine that would send his mind back in time! He could go back and take over his body at any point in his own personal history. T-Rex: That's crazy, Tim! Whoah! Holy crap! T-Rex: So Tim, being able to effectively restore to any earlier part of his life while still remembering everything he'd done, started running experiments. He'd lived his life as a electrician and was only marginally satisfied. Maybe he'd be better as an optometrist? A tailor? A doctor? A B2B third-tier support professional? Utahraptor: The answer? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: No matter what career Tim chose, he always found himself, at best, about as successful as he'd originally been. It turned out the limiting factor in Tim's life was Tim, and as he never realized his job didn't define him, he never surpassed his own limitations. Utahraptor: OUCH. T-Rex: Yes. However, lottery numbers were pretty stable between restores, so he could at least be rich. Off panel: ... T-Rex: I'm experimenting with unsatisfying endings. T-Rex and off panel (punchline): SUCCESS

ANYWAY, I GUESS THE MORAL IS MURDER??

T-Rex: One day the king and queen had a baby named "Oedipus", and they were like, hey, great time for a prophecy! I wonder what the future for this kid holds! Wow, can't wait to find out! Narrator: THE STORY OF OEDIPUS REX T-Rex: So they go to a prophet and the prophet says "K, this baby is deffo going to kill his dad and marry his mom" and the king and queen were like, WHOA, definitely NOT what we expected. They were going to give the baby up for adoption, but the Queen said "Wait, what if he grows up and accidentally kills you mistaking you for a beggar, then solves the Riddle of the Sphinx thereby becoming king, at which point he marries me?" Utahraptor: It was too much to risk? T-Rex: It was WAY too much to risk! T-Rex: So instead they killed the baby, which was murder, but they were king and queen in history times so nobody really cared - plus, by doing so they were preventing both a future murder AND an incest, so although the ethics of precrime are complicated, it certainly seemed at least ARGUABLY justifiable. THE END. T-Rex: P.S.: thousands of years later, the story of Oedipus became a cultural shorthand, a metaphor for how complex the ethics of precrime are. Off panel: How complex are they? T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): They're Oedipal complex!!

does the flesh in the vat have faces, and if not, why not

T-Rex: When people from 500 years in the future think about this time - right here, right now - they LAUGH at us. They laugh! T-Rex: AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?? [no text] T-Rex: ...I was hoping you would fill in why there, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: Oh. I don't know why. T-Rex: That's the thing: I don't either! But you go back just 100 years and there's so much those idiots didn't know. I know the future is dunking on us for something, I just wish I knew what it was! Utahraptor: You want future history books to say "peeps in the past were bad, except for T-Rex"! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: I want to be the EXCEPTION, so whenever people in the future talk about how ridiculous we were for, say, growing animals for food when both it's cheaper and more ethical to grow delicious flesh in a giant specialized vat, I'll - T-Rex: oh wait there it is T-Rex: Attention, people in the future! I always stood ready and willing to eat a giant vat of gelatinous flesh, I just lacked the MEANS to gobble it! T-Rex (punchline): Remember me fondly!!

later still: some regrets

T-Rex: Ah yes, time to listen to the greatest hits of the 90s! Why would I listen to any OTHER songs from that particular time period? T-Rex: ANY SUCH SONGS HAVE ALREADY BEEN JUDGED TO BE INFERIOR. Dromiceiomimus: When you go out to eat, do you order only the most popular items? T-Rex: From now on, Dromiceiomimus, YES! I will go to the most popular restaurant (McDonalds) and I will order the most popular item (a Large Macmillan), and that is IT. If the McRib really WERE that great, they’d keep it around for more than a limited time, for real. Dromiceiomimus: oh god Utahraptor: I thought you were all about CURATING your media consumption, and I guess food consumption too? T-Rex: NOT ANYMORE! T-Rex: It's time to admit: we live in an era of mass consumption, and I'm THROUGH defining myself in opposition to it! And now, to spend my day watching ONLY the most popular videos on YouTube and reading ONLY the most shared viral content on Facebook! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): [crying black tears] no regrets

it's just some days i don't know where you end and i begin and i don't think that's healthy

T-Rex: You know who I hang out with all the time and think about all the time and have incidental skin-to-skin contact with all the time? T-Rex: MYSELF. T-Rex: And I was thinking of making this relationship officially exclusive! Dromiceiomimus: You're going steady with yourself, T-Rex? T-Rex: Yep! Given that me and me are now exclusive, I thought we'd stop seeing other people. I'm becoming a HERMIT, Dromiceiomimus! I'll live outside of civilization and catch my own food and never talk to anyone and just be alone with ME, who we have already established I like hanging out with! I see no possible downsides. Utahraptor: Except for the lack of medical care or literally any other perk of civilization. T-Rex: Right. T-Rex: Okay. Instead of going exclusive with myself, let's say we're BASICALLY exclusive, but me and myself have agreed that either of us can, for the right person, occasionally open up the relationship to someone else, such as a nurse or doctor. Utahraptor: Hey man, whatever works for you! Narrator: TWO DAYS LATER, BEING A HERMIT IS KINDA BORING AND SAD: T-Rex: Self, I love you, I do, but - T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): I really think we should see other people

a standard changes after 20 years. me: I KNEW IT. a standard changes after 40 years. me: CALLED IT, SO CALLED IT. a standard changes 100 years after i die. me via my will: EVERYONE WHO AGREES I HAD THE CORRECT OPINIONS ALL ALONG GETS $100

T-Rex: You know how people who grew up in the 30s distrust banks (because banks kept failing in the 30s) and are therefore disproportionally likely to keep their money hidden in a sock drawer? T-Rex: IF NOT, YOU DO NOW!! T-Rex: I think I've got that with COMPUTER HARDWARE STANDARDS. When I was a kid we went through monitor ports like they were going out of style! SVideo! EGA! VGA! Heck, let's do component for a bit! No, DVI! No, Micro DVI! No, HDMI! And that's just VIDEO. You wanna discuss serial and parallel ports? BECAUSE I CAN DISCUSS SERIAL AND PARALLEL PORTS. Utahraptor: But now video's a bit better, and just about everything else is locked to USB! T-Rex: Is it, though? IS IT? T-Rex: I know the SECOND I install one of those wall sockets with built-in USB power ports into my house, it's all going to change. I have 1930s disease, but for hardware standards! Utahraptor: The new USB Type C standard replaces BOTH ends of the plug with a new design incompatible with the original 1996 spec. T-Rex: ...So what you're saying is, I spent 20 years being wrong NOT to trust USB, but now I get to spend the rest of my life being RIGHT? Off panel: No, that's not what - T-Rex (punchline): BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M HEARING, BABY!!

all I know is that I know nothing, and also that SOCRATES WAS A N00B

T-Rex: You DON'T know me! Oh, you DON'T know me! You can't speak to me like that because you don't know me! In fact, you know what? T-Rex: I don't even know myself! T-Rex: If we're being honest here, whenever I consider my own actions I experience surprise! My innermost desires are little more than a tiny weight on the wheel, barely affecting where I drive!! Dromiceiomimus: Well, I definitely don't know you! I don't know anyone! The inner lives of others are an unfathomable mystery!! Utahraptor: I don't know you either, T-Rex! The only thing I know for sure is that I exist! Utahraptor: I don't know you or MYSELF, my memories could be implants, and what I so naively consider "the universe" could be a mere simulation. All I know is that I know nothing! An ancient Greek guy named Socrates said that, but I don't even know if THAT'S true or not, which is again due to what Socrates said!! T-Rex: PFFT, forget about him. SOCRATES doesn't know ME. Off panel: Fair enough. T-Rex (punchline): Dude doesn't even know what a computer is so it's like, hey man, maybe instead I'll listen to a guy who can check his email without his head exploding, THANKS

the chocolate story is TRUE! the best part was on the last visit the only window was to an assembly line of putting chocolate bars in their wrappers. i saw someone fall behind and toss a bunch of perfectly-good chocobars in the discard pile. then i went to the gift shop and looked through the discounted slightly irregular chocolate bars and found some that were perfectly fine! I KNEW THE SECRET: an unreasonably fast conveyer belt meant chocolate savings for me

T-Rex: [thinks] When I was a kid we visited the chocolate factory! Was it a Willy Wonka wonderland of magic and sweetness? T-Rex: [thinks] It was not. T-Rex: [thinks] It was a working factory, and those people were trying to do their jobs! T-Rex: [thinks] The self-guided tour of the factory took you around the factory floor, and let you peer inside through windows. We'd always tap on the glass to try to get someone's attention. But every time we returned to the factory, more and more of the windows would be sealed off! T-Rex: [thinks] Was it because of us meddling kids? ALMOST CERTAINLY. T-Rex: [thinks] On my last trip there, there was only one window left. I tapped on the window, but nobody looked up. They looked sad. Later on the tours ended, and soon afterwards the factory shut down, devastating the town. T-Rex: Brain, what is this? I asked you to remember a HAPPY memory. T-Rex: [thinks] Each year, more and more people in our earliest memories have died years ago. T-Rex: BRAIN T-Rex (punchline): WE DISCUSSED THIS

wait wait, what if the hoverboard had a novelty license plate on the back that said "RUDE TUDE", AHHHHHHH

T-Rex: The whole reason anyone becomes a visual artist is because they want to draw something cool. THIS IS A FACT. Artists love drawing cool things! T-Rex: It therefore follows that artists work their whole career towards drawing the COOLEST thing! T-Rex: And what is this coolest thing? I'm glad you asked. It's a - Dromiceiomimus: - It's a hotdog in shades hoversurfing on the rings of Saturn. T-Rex: ...okay, that's WAY cooler than what I was going to say. T-Rex: [small] ...which was a picture of me giving a thumbs up and one of my thumbs is labelled "THE ECONOMY". Narrator: DROMICEIOMIMUS'S VISION OF ULTIMATE COOLNESS BEGINS TO SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE Narrator: THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF BRINGING A HOT DOG TO LIFE AND TEACHING IT HOW TO SURF - MUCH LESS WEAR SHADES - ONLY ADDS TO ITS ACHING BEAUTY, ITS STAGGERING VISION, ITS DIZZYING SENSE OF A PLATONIC IDEAL SOMEHOW GIVEN A PERFECT AND FINAL FORM Narrator: THERE IS NOWHERE TO GO FROM HERE; ALL OTHER PURSUITS SEEM HOLLOW AND ASHEN AS ALL SENTIENT LIFE BECOMES OBSESSED WITH THIS ONE IMAGE Narrator: THE END Narrator (punchline): NO REGRETS

sorry to go off on a tangent with this one, but the nature of tangents is to be a straight line that touches a curved line at a single point, and which, if extended, does not cross the line at that point.

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes stumbled out of the duplication machine that he'd stumbled into slightly before this story started. And then, seconds later, ANOTHER Sherlock Holmes, identical in every way, also stumbled out! T-Rex: "Gasp!" gasped Watson. "Sherlock SQUARED!" T-Rex: "Actually," said the Sherlocks in unison, "that's inaccurate. There was only one me before, and one squared is still one. In fact, one to the power of ANYTHING is still one, so while it's accurate to exclaim 'Sherlock squared' at any point in time when I'm NOT duplicated, saying it when I HAVE recently been duplicated is an objective error." Utahraptor: This decimated Watson's happiness. T-Rex: YES. It was reduced by precisely 1/10th. T-Rex: However, later on the two Sherlocks stumbled into the duplication machine and FOUR Sherlocks came out, and as the square of two IS four, this made sense, and Watson was able to successfully and accurately deploy his phrase. Utahraptor: THE END. Banner (punchline): Cowritten by Neil deGrasse Tyson

I WILL SAY THIS: for a nation founded on rejecting a divine right to rule, Americans sure do love their chosen-one narratives

T-Rex: Hey, remember in Star Wars when Darth Vader says "No, I am your father" to Luke? At the risk of having a discussion about Star Wars: WHY IS THAT A BIG DEAL? T-Rex: This Darth guy has not been in his son's life AT ALL! T-Rex: And his son was taken away when he was a baby: whoever this guy is, he's had ZERO influence on his son beyond genetics. So why does Luke care? Why does ANYONE care? If a random person came up to me and said he was my father, you know what my reaction would be? "OH, OKAY, I GUESS?? AND HOW DOES THIS CHANGE ANYTHING?" T-Rex: I would CERTAINLY not scream "noooo" and then fall to my almost certain death, THAT'S for sure. Utahraptor: But this is a guy Luke hates: that's why he's upset! T-Rex: SO? T-Rex: Again, if there's no relationship there, what does it matter? The only POSSIBLE explanation I can see is that other people's emotional attachment to the abstract idea of fatherhood is different than mine!! Narrator: LATER, THAT IS 100% THE CASE: T-Rex: Ohh, NOW I get it! Some people see things differently than me, which makes their opinions different and therefore worse than my own! Narrator (punchline): OKAY, THIS IS NOT THE LESSON T-REX SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BUT IT'S TOO LATE NOW

You are my [SIXTH] oldest friend. Please stay in my life to maintain your position in priority sequence.

Off panel: Hi T-Rex! T-Rex: Hi! Good to hear from you! This conversation may be recorded for privacy purposes in accordance to our privacy policy, available online. Off panel: I - T-Rex: Your conversation is important to us. We'll get to you as soon as we can. T-Rex: ♪♫♪♫♪♫ T-Rex: Hello, how may I direct your conversation? Dromiceiomimus: Man, I was just saying hi. T-Rex: Please hold. T-Rex: Please stay on the line to maintain your position in priority sequence. Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! T-Rex: Hi, and thank you for reaching out. We're currently experiencing a higher than expected conversation request volume. Your current wait time to speak to your friend is [FIVE] minutes. Utahraptor: Eugh. NEVERMIND. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hi, we noticed you recently interacted with [T-REX]. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being highest, how much did you enjoy [CONVERSING WITH T-REX]? Off panel: ZERO. T-Rex: Thank you for your feedback. T-Rex (punchline): Your feedback has been [DISCARDED].

commissioner gordon smiled. his job was way easier now.

Narrator: BATMAN'S LAST CASE T-Rex: Batman, having solved all other crimes, found there was just one crime left. Unfortunately for him... it was the PERFECT crime. You see, SOMEONE had stolen a candy bar 15 years ago... T-Rex: ...AND THEY'D GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT. T-Rex: The shopkeeper who was robbed had never noticed it was missing, plus it was over a decade ago, so she definitely didn't want to press charges, which in Gotham City was code for "have Batman investigate (and/or throw batarangs at) the crime". Luckily for Batman, he didn't rely on shopkeepers to tell him when to investigate crimes!! He investigated ALL crimes, BECAUSE HE'S BATMAN, AND I LOVE HIM FOREVER. Utahraptor: Also, this was the last crime left. T-Rex: That too! T-Rex: Anyway, Bats soon found the culprit: a young woman who had stolen the candy bar when she was a kid living on the streets. She'd since cleaned up her life and found success in retail management. She offered to repay the cost, but Batman did it himself, WITH interest. And with that, AT LONG LAST, crime was solved forever. T-Rex: Batman retired to space, where he could fight crime on other planets. Off panel: I don't see how this is a better story than "The Dark Knight Returns". T-Rex (punchline): AND I DON'T SEE HOW YOU DON'T SEE THAT

he would've been real good at, i want to say, "viral engagement"?

T-Rex: Everyone's good at something! For instance, Einstein was good at... T-Rex: uh T-Rex: ...I want to say, "physics"? T-Rex: Does "physics" cover black holes, or is that something different? Dromiceiomimus: Black holes were more a Hawking trademark, weren't they? I seem to recall Einstein thought they wouldn't actually form? T-Rex: Well ANYWAY, I think we can all agree that Einstein was definitely good at SOMETHING. As are we all! Utahraptor: But - what if Einstein had lived BEFORE the study of physics was a thing? T-Rex: Exactly my point! T-Rex: What if the thing your're good at HASN'T BEEN DISCOVERED YET? Heck, we could both be PRODIGIES at starship engine repair, but we'd never know! UNTIL WE INVENT THEM, THAT IS. Utahraptor: It's a nice thought - our greatest days could still be ahead of us!! Narrator: T-REX IS REALLY A PRODIGY AT "WINDOWS LIVE SPACES" - A FORGOTTEN SOCIAL NETWORK BUILT BY MICROSOFT AND SHUT DOWN IN 2011 - BUT AS HE NEVER USED IT, HE WILL NEVER DISCOVER THAT FACT: T-Rex (punchline): "Chief Engineer T-Rex". I LIKE the sound of that!

time is a flat circle, or at the very least a spinning cube

T-Rex: What are flashbacks? Geez, it's like you weren't listening when I explained several weeks ago: Narrator: SEVERAL WEEKS AGO: T-Rex: Flashbacks are when you jump back earlier in a story! Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique Narrator: FLASHBACK Utahraptor: So "Back to the Future" contains a large flashback when they travel back in time? T-Rex: Actually, no! T-Rex: If you use a time machine, it DOESN'T count as a flashback. This makes flashbacks one of the few literary techniques that's nullified by time travel. Ironically, it's also one of the few literary techniques whose name alone would be an AMAZING title for a time travel story. "Flash forward" is the other one. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: T-Rex: See, this doesn't count either, because "meanwhile" implies a parallel universe, or at the very least a conception of time in which all events happen simultaneously. T-Rex: Flashbacks!! T-Rex (punchline): THEY'RE HARD

FALSE ALARM, HOLODECK SCIENTISTS! GET BACK TO WORK

T-Rex: Close your eyes and picture it: it's a sunny day, but you're in the pleasant shade of a large tree. The world is at peace. Put yourself there: the scent of freshly-cut grass. The breeze on your skin. Isn't this nice? T-Rex: IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT, IT'S PROBABLY REALLY NICE. T-Rex: Put the work in and you can imagine something real pleasant, if only for a few seconds. You can - if only briefly - summon a pretty convincing better world! Dromiceiomimus: Aha! And your point is we should all work together to make that better world we imagine a reality? T-Rex: What? No. My point is we've already got holodecks! IN OUR MINDS, Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: But it takes effort to REALLY imagine something nice, so we barely ever do it! Utahraptor: Says you! Utahraptor: I already spend a third of my life sleeping, and a large chunk of that dreaming. Or to put it in your terms, "trapped in a holodeck that won't take commands, and also the safeties are off, and also the program has full access to my weird subconscious". Being awake is the only way I can ESCAPE that holodeck! Off panel: ... Off panel: ...Plus, in your version there's no multiplayer. T-Rex (punchline): Oh crap, excellent point

THIS JUST IN: i am now obsessed with the idea of lie jail

T-Rex: 5000 years in the future, Leibowitz has finally gotten his canticle, reports from the minority have all been submitted, and the question of whether or not androids dream of electric sheep has been answered. T-Rex: "It depends on the android."! T-Rex: But in this distant future, can we even recognize this world as our own? Perhaps not! For you see, after strange rocks from outer space arrive on Earth, most life is killed, and that which remains struggles to survive in an even braver new world, one well beyond the imagination of even our most skilled imaginers of new worlds, brave OR otherwise! T-Rex: THE END. Utahraptor: What? That's it? That's your whole story?? T-Rex: Yep! I said it's beyond imagination, so I don't know why you expect ME to tell you about it. Other scifi authors promise you worlds beyond imagination and then LITERALLY IMAGINE THEM FOR YOU, so they should go to lie jail. I promise the same and live up to my word, so I should go to an island for smart geniuses. T-Rex: Although of course, TECHNICALLY, any island I go to is an island for smart geniuses. Hah! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...Utahraptor, please return, I need an audience

shout out to all the "hugh mann"s in the audience, you are living your truth

T-Rex: Sometimes if you're lucky a friend will have a baby, and sometimes if you're VERY lucky they'll come to you for name suggestions: either before birth or, in a more panicky situation, afterwards. T-Rex: And it pays to be prepared! T-Rex: If I may be so bold: while some names have been ruined by people both real and imaginary having had them - looking at you, "Adolf", "Hitler", "Hannibal", and "Anakin" - there are others that have been made famous by other people, but in good ways! Who says there can only be one "Madonna"? Or, dare I say, "Sherlock"?? Utahraptor: Dude - a name like "Sherlock" comes with EXPECTATIONS. T-Rex: Not really! Utahraptor: You're naming a kid after a guy who was such a great detective that he's LITERALLY KNOWN as "The Great Detective"! What if li'l Sherlock grows up to be only a top 10 detective? Top 50? What if he ends up on the supply side of crime? It's too great a risk! That's why MY parents named me "Utahraptor". Off panel: Perfect accuracy, no expectations. As such, that's why if I were ever to have kids, I'd name them either "Indy Vidual" or "Perse Sonne". T-Rex: I - Off panel (punchline): IT'S SHORT FOR "PERSEPHONE" AND IT IS TOO A REAL NAME

i have two degrees in the computer sciences and i am here to tell you that hard disks rarely if ever say "beepity boop". that's the secret they tell you when you graduate the second time

T-Rex: Hello! Have YOU ever wondered how a computer works? Well, sure - we ALL have. So join me, won't you, as we - Narrator: VOYAGE INSIDE A COMPUTER T-Rex: Okay! Thanks to the power of imagination, we're now inside a typical computer. By my foot you'll see the central processing unit, or "CPU", metaphorically rendered here as a log cabin. And beside it is the data bus, here rendered as a - well, it's a car, I guess. Dromiceiomimus: A data car. T-Rex: Computers have those, so this is educational. Utahraptor: And this tiny woman represents...? T-Rex: Let's say... she's data in memory! T-Rex: As you can see, when you turn computers off whatever's in memory is lost, which is why she's gone now. Utahraptor, you're the hard disk. There's typically more storage on hard disks than memory, so that's why you're bigger. Utahraptor: Okay. Beepity boop. Narrator: T-REX IS BAFFLED THAT UTAHRAPTOR THINKS HARD DISKS GO "BEEPITY BOOP". HE'LL GET OVER IT EVENTUALLY: T-Rex: ??? Narrator (punchline): NOT YET THOUGH, IT'S ONLY BEEN A FEW SECONDS, YOU NEED TO GIVE HIM TIME

tomorrow: ERROR 0xaf9925 - HAH HAH JUST KIDDING, WHY IS EVERYONE MAD AT ME

T-Rex: My mistake, I now realize, was trying to explain computers by imagining we all shrunk down inside one. If you want to learn computer science, there's only one REAL way to do it. So buckle up everyone, because today we're going to... Narrator: LARP COMPUTERS T-Rex: Yes! We're live action role-playing computers! I'll be the computer, and Dromiceiomimus, you be the programmer. Dromiceiomimus: Okay! Um, print "hello world". T-Rex: COMPILE ERROR Dromiceiomimus: This is an interpreted language. There isn't a compiler. T-Rex: COMPILE ERROR, SELF DESTRUCT INITIATED Utahraptor: Control C! Cancel! Cancel! T-Rex: ERROR - DOUBLE SELF DESTRUCT INITIATED Utahraptor: You know, I don't know any programming languages that can self-destruct, much less add multipliers to it. T-Rex: TRIPLE SELF DESTRUCT Utahraptor: T-Rex, you - T-Rex: I AM A COMPUTER, NOT YOUR FRIEND T-REX. SEXTUPLE SELF DESTRUCT INITIATED T-Rex: IT'S JUST AS YOU'VE ALWAYS SUSPECTED: COMPUTERS TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY AND HATE ALL LIFE BORN OF THE FLESH T-Rex (punchline): BOOM

though, since technically panel two gives us six panels to work with: SUCCESS

T-Rex: Folks, we have fun, but we really need to have computers explained, so let's do it right now. Stick with me and you'll learn how computers work! You'll learn EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT COMPUTERS. Narrator: HOW COMPUTERS WORK Narrator: in six panels T-Rex: So computers run on binary, which is 1s and 0s, and there's really more to explain about that but we're already running out of time, so let's jump ahead to algorithms. Algorithms are like recipes for information! And THAT is a metaphor that sounds like it needs more explanation but we're out of time here too, so let's talk about file formats!! Utahraptor: They're specialized sacks you put data in? T-Rex: Sure, close enough! T-Rex: And that leaves the CPU, which is like a brain that's good at math and bad at LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE WITHOUT EXCEPTION. Put those together and you have a machine that eats electricity and poops out better organized electricity, and that's a computer. Enjoy!! T-Rex: ...Phew! I wasn't sure it was possible, but we did it! WE EXPLAINED COMPUTERS. Off panel: T-Rex, you forgot to mention how "ctrl shift esc" brings up the task manager on Windows without having to go through "ctrl alt delete" first. T-Rex (punchline): OH DANG IT; BUTTS TO THIS

IT'S LIKE VR VERSUS AR EXCEPT YOU'RE BORN WITH THE HARDWARE

T-Rex: Close your eyes and picture it: it's a sunny day, but you're in the pleasant shade of a large tree. Are you seeing it right now? T-Rex: Because if not, you may have aphantasia! T-Rex: People with aphantasia don't SEE things when they imagine them. They can THINK of things, obviously, but summoning a lifelike image of something real or, uh, imaginary - it doesn't happen for them! And the most amazing part is that many don't even REALIZE they have aphantasia, because they've always assumed phrases like "picture it in your mind's eye" are purely metaphorical. Utahraptor: What does it mean if you're aphantasical? T-Rex: Nothing, really! T-Rex: It doesn't really impact your life except when you find out you have it, and then you're like, "WAIT, OTHER PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY SEE THINGS WHEN THEY CLOSE THEIR EYES AND WE ALL ACT LIKE THIS IS NORMAL??". Beyond that: s'all good. Utahraptor: Not just with eyes closed. You can also imagine things with your eyes OPEN. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): What

sorry to the inventor of the word "wetware"; i'm sure at the time it seemed like a VERY wetgood wetidea

Narrator: TWENTY YEARS AGO: T-Rex: What do I think prejudices will be like twenty years from now, well within the new millennium? T-Rex: I'm glad you asked, self! T-Rex: I can say this: people who save their files as ".jpeg" instead of ".jpg" will be ostracized for wasting their storage space and MY time. Dromiceiomimus: Oooh! And any time someone writes "(:" instead of ":)", others will demand to know what in the world they're possibly trying to prove. T-Rex: PERFECT. Utahraptor: I predict that those without wetware cyberhacks will be mocked by those who have them! Utahraptor: I also predict that the scientists who were smart enough to invent bioimplants but stupid enough that the best name they could think for them was "wet" "ware": they too shall be mocked. T-Rex: I for one can't wait for the future to arrive! Who KNOWS what prejudices we'll develop by then?? Narrator: PRESENT DAY: T-Rex: Oh no T-Rex (punchline): Oh no oh noooooo

given its size and how many plankton there are, more death takes place in the ocean than in ANY OTHER KNOWN BODY OF WATER!!

T-Rex: Many folks have heard OF the ocean, but don't really know many true facts about it. But that's all changing, with these... Narrator: TRUE FACTS ABOUT: Narrator: THE OCEAN T-Rex: 70% of the Earth's surface is covered by oceans! Without oceans, the story of Earth would've been completely different, as early cultures would not have been restricted to their continent! Dromiceiomimus: Does this make oceans DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for every bad thing that ever happened to us in history, and CONTINUES to happen to us today?? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: It absolutely does!! Utahraptor: If you breathe ocean water only, you'll die! T-Rex: The same goes for drinking it! T-Rex: Oceans have killed many times - and will kill again! If you get your face caught between rocks at low tide, you'll drown when the tide comes in. As we cannot destroy the ocean, this makes it a constant, non-zero threat to ALL our lives - and the only escape is by something ELSE killing you first! T-Rex (punchline): Despite all this, the ocean doesn't ACTUALLY want to kill you!! Scientifically it's incapable of thought, which means despite its unremitting threat and hostility, it cannot be held legally responsible for murder!! Without a brain, IT SIMPLY CAN'T UNDERSTAND REASON!

sorry teens, and *star fox 64 voice* good luck

Narrator: INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGES FOR TEENS T-Rex: Teens! Do you ever get sad? Do you ever think "what am I supposed to do: the world is a mess right now... T-Rex: ...and how are we, a single generation of cool teens, supposed to fix it?" T-Rex: Do you go on to think that 250 years ago the amount of damage a single generation could do was limited in scope, but the industrial revolution gave a long-dead generation the ability to alter our planet's climate such that areas of it could eventually become inhospitable, which they gleefully did for massive profit, and whose consequences are only becoming apparent now? Utahraptor: Teens, do you worry that power structures in place are permanent? Are you concerned there's no place in them for you?? T-Rex: Or do you worry the opposite: that the proliferation of nuclear weapons means a single person could inhibit this planet's ability to sustain us, which makes revolution AGAINST those power structures simply too dangerous? Well, here's what I have to say to all of THAT: T-Rex: ...Holy crap, that's rough, and I gotta admit that I'm in WAY over my head on this one! T-Rex (punchline): Well bye

i don't know much about economics, but I ESPECIALLY don't know much about bounce houses!! anyway here's my comic about both

T-Rex: Bounce houses are great: they're like a vision into a better world! They're fun and ARGUABLY safe, because every surface is an inflated cushion. So the question you might ask is - why don't we live in them all the time?? T-Rex: And the answer is, because they can leak! T-Rex: So then the question is, aren't there tires filled with chemicals so that when they get a leak they automatically seal, so can we use those? And the answer is, yes, but that's expensive. Dromiceiomimus: And THEN the question then is, if we produce these bounce houses at scale, maybe we can take that price down? Utahraptor: And the answer is, maybe, but now you face the expense of heating a bounce house in winter! T-Rex: So the question now is, why is everything we're doing here constrained by ECONOMICS? Utahraptor: And the answer is that you'll know when we're in a post-scarcity society, because everyone who wants to live in a bouncy house gets to live in a bouncy house. Off panel: ...which in turn I guess makes bounce houses a vision into a better world. T-Rex (punchline): CALLED IT

reading comics is as simple as not reading things that aren't comics; you are now an expert comics reader; your life: vastly improved

T-Rex: Carving a statue out of a block of marble is easy... T-Rex: ...All you need to do is chip away all the parts that don't look like a great statue! T-Rex: By similar reasoning, writing is easy too! Just cover the parts of the paper that look like the letters of amazing story in ink, and leave the rest untouched. It's just COLOURING. T-Rex: Writers: YOU'RE WELCOME. Utahraptor: And acting is just staying off stage for the scenes you aren't in? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: I put to you that EVERY form of art is as simple as knowing where to stand, where to colour, and what to hit with a chisel. Utahraptor: Okay, great! Can't wait to read your stories, enjoy your performances, and appreciate your sculpture! T-Rex: ME TOO! Narrator: AN INCREDIBLY SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME LATER: T-Rex: OH YEAH?? T-Rex (punchline): Well, your "criticism" is just remaining silent for the parts that aren't MEAN TO MY FEELINGS

million dollar idea: what if a book, but with youtube comments section

T-Rex: Well it's like I always say - you can't judge a book by its cover! God: I DO THAT ALL THE TIME T-REX God: BECAUSE I CAN DO ANYTHING T-Rex: Okay, fair! But I mean "can't" not in the "possibility" sense, but in the permissive sense. You SHOULDN'T judge a book by its cover. Dromiceiomimus: But book covers are designed to sell books. Actual research goes into them! To refuse to even CONSIDER it - well, it's an insult to everyone who worked on it, including the artist! Utahraptor: So let's say you CAN judge a book by its cover, but should really be considering contents. T-Rex: YES! T-Rex: I'm a busy guy. What we need is a website with a short summary of a book's contents, one paragraph at most. If someone I trust recommends it, tell me that too. Utahraptor: And maybe a picture, to convey what the story is about at a glance? T-Rex: Sure! Off panel: And then maybe print out this website and wrap it around a book, because you've just reinvented covers, up to and including the blurbs?? T-Rex (punchline): I see the rhetorical trap you've set for me here, friend, but I have some devastating news: I REALLY don't like admitting I was wrong

ATTENTION YOUTH: i have run the numbers and even if you poopie farted your entire life then the universe would still be mostly the same as it was before on average, though of course in your immediate locale there may be some significant changes

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Our children are our future: the most precious thing we have! And their education? Well, heck. T-Rex: That's the greatest gift we can give our children!! T-Rex: As such, to better their education, today I am ONLY answering science questions from kids! And our first question comes from "Reese". Reese - who is a kid, and who I remind you is our future - asks the following. Ahem. T-Rex: "Dear Professor Science: how much of the universe is poopie farts?" Dromiceiomimus: ...Huh. Utahraptor: Is this a good time to admit you're not a real professor and just read his mail? T-Rex: NOT HARDLY. T-Rex: Because Reese deserves an ANSWER, Utahraptor. And it's this, Reese: the universe is really big - bigger than even the biggest thing in the universe! But most of the universe is empty and boring, which means only a tiny percentage of it is poopie farts. T-Rex: Here's a fun fact, Reese: even if you poopie farted all day long, that number would still be less than one percent!! Off panel: Wow. T-Rex (punchline): WHERE'S THE LIE, UTAHRAPTOR??

SHEESH ALL THE PARASITES DON'T SHARE SUCH AWFUL OPINIONS ABOUT YOU / JUST SAYIN'

God: T-REX WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PARASITE God: BLOOD OR OTHERWISE God: IT'S WIDE OPEN T-Rex: Um... T-Rex: ...why?? God: OH JUST CURIOUS God: SEE AS GOD I DESIGNED A LOT OF REALLY WELL-DONE PARASITIC ORGANISMS AND I WAS WONDERING IF ANY STOOD OUT TO YOU AS BEING PARTICULARLY EXCELLENT God: LIKE IF YOU THOUGHT ANY OF THE MILLIONS OF PARASITIC SPECIES ON EARTH WERE DESERVING OF WIDER PRAISE OR WHATEVER THEN THIS COULD BE A TIME YOU COULD MENTION THAT IF YOU WERE WAITING FOR ONE God: JUST AN IDEA T-Rex: I don't have a favourite PARASITE! Utahraptor: Really? Utahraptor: I've always been impressed with the guinea worm, which enters your body via the body of water fleas it's already infesting, and then colonizes your stomach until a year later, when they PUSH THEIR WAY OUT OF YOUR SKIN. And by "impressed" I mean "terrified". T-Rex: AAAAHHHHHH Narrator: LATER: God: LOOK MAN YOU KNEW I LOVE ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL T-Rex: As much as you love LIVE WORMS poking through EVERYONE'S SKIN?? God: LET'S SAY God (punchline): BOTH ARE TIED FOR FIRST

two questions. one: why is "judge not lest ye be judged... by an equally naked man" so much more compelling than the original saying, and two: what might we do to ensure these naked men might never judge us again

T-Rex: Compared to when we were kids, it's the future! We have cell phones and what not, PLUS, a private corporation put a weird car in space! We are living in the FUTURE. T-Rex: Why aren't we dressing like it? T-Rex: Every single image I ever saw of the future had futuristic clothing. The particulars change - some may have big shoulder accents made of tin foil, while others may have fabulous Saturn-shaped belt buckles made of tin foil - but the basic idea is consistent: that whoever it is who is lucky enough to make it to tomorrow should DRESS like it. Utahraptor: Sure, but today's fashion WOULD look futuristic to anyone from further back, like 150 years ago! T-Rex: Bah! T-Rex: A red solo cup in the GARBAGE would look futuristic 150 years ago. A ZIPPER would look futuristic 150 years ago, and a HAIRDRYER would blow their minds. I'm not interested in impressing dusty ol' black and white GRANDPAS, Utahraptor. I want to impress 6 year old me! Off panel: Well, I'd say "then buy or make your own clothing", but you've clearly decided that "constant nudity" is more your style. T-Rex: JUDGE NOT, MY FRIEND T-Rex (punchline): LEST YE BE JUDGED BY AN EQUALLY NAKED MAN

when you think of all the metaphors we use that are based on what are effectively historical and cultural accidents, you really realize that if you went back in time and changed things, you'd truly end up combing the kitten's tail.

Narrator: T-REX HAS ACQUIRED THE BEST HAT IN THE WORLD. T-Rex: It's - it's SO GOOD. T-Rex: FAR too good to wear, babies! T-Rex: For that would risk damaging it, reducing its status to the SECOND-best hat in the world, and that's a best case scenario. A prominent bird poop stain could slide me out of the top 100, EASY. Best to keep it safe and secure in a box! Utahraptor: The best hat gets its ranking from being the best at being a hat, yes? T-Rex: Absolutely! Utahraptor: So SURELY part of what makes a hat good is how well it functions as a hat, no? If a hat is too nice to be worn, then it's failing in its purpose, which must automatically disqualify it from being a good hat! Therefore, what you're refusing to wear on your head isn't a hat, T-Rex. It's a WHITE ELEPHANT. Off panel: ...Metaphorically, in that it's a possession that's both expensive and largely useless. T-Rex: OHHHHHHHH T-Rex (punchline): Yeah no, okay, that makes WAY more sense

a kickstarter for cybernetic implant that replaces pain with a star trek style voice in our heads that says "WARNING: ligament in third finger at 78%"

T-Rex: Bodies! T-Rex: What is their deal, I might ask?? Dromiceiomimus: What's your issue with your body today, T-Rex? T-Rex: FIRST: thank you for acknowledging that bodies are so baloney that one could have a different issue with them every day indefinitely: I do appreciate it. Second: my issue is that my hand hurts for no reason, so what the heck's going on, my hand?? Utahraptor: Maybe the pain is telling you something is wrong? T-Rex: That's another thing I have issues with! T-Rex: Pain from touching a hot stove: that I get! It UNAMBIGUOUSLY says "don't do that". Pain of an undetermined origin - what does that tell me? All it says is "Something's wrong, I dunno, just add that to your list of vague and unfocused worries, right beside 'what if my pals secretly hate me' and 'is that smell me'". Off panel: ...I like you a lot, bud, but that smell is definitely you. T-Rex: Oh. T-Rex (punchline): OH GOD

when you're done you can eat the straw and it'll taste like chocolate mixed with whatever it was you were drinking, and then you can lick off whatever chocolate melted from the straw onto your hands, and THAT'LL taste like chocolate mixed with whatever you touched throughout the day

T-Rex: All right, brain: this is it. I've fed you glucose for LITERALLY DECADES and moved you around wherever you wanted via my legs and kept you safe inside my head during which I only bonked said head a few times... T-Rex: ...and now it's time to EARN YOUR KEEP. T-Rex: I request one (1) good idea, brain, from which I can become insanely rich forever. That's it. You do that, and we're square! T-Rex: I'M WAITING, BRAIN. Utahraptor: You realize you are your brain and you're talking to yourself? T-Rex: Don't listen to him, brain! T-Rex: You owe me, brain, and this is how you pay me back. Utahraptor: You ALSO realize that trying to retroactively charge for friendship is really crappy and nullifies that friendship? T-Rex: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, BRAIN. I WOULD LIKE ONE GOOD IDEA RIGHT NOW, PLEASE. T-Rex: [thinks] chocolate straws that make whatever you drink taste like chocolate and then when you're done you can eat the straw T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...They should've sent a poet

besides his cyber legs, Morocco Mali also has a cyber eye and a cyber finger, and whatever he believes in sounds a-ok to me

T-Rex: Angola Maldives, my superspy character, was grappling with his hated enemy, Brussels Samoa! Brussels was an equally-capable spy, but he was from a different country that believed in the opposite ideology than Angola's country! T-Rex: "WHICH OF OUR TWO COUNTRIES HAS THE CORRECT OPINIONS??" grunted Angola! T-Rex: "I believe it is mine!" said Brussels, as he pulled a knife from his vest and advanced on Angola. "And yet I believe just as sincerely that MY country believes in the correct things!" hissed Angola, as he knocked the knife from Brussels' hand as easily as Brussels knocked the equally-sharp knife from Angola's hand at the same time. Utahraptor: This sounds like a high-stakes battle for their lives! T-Rex: Oh, it absolutely is! T-Rex: Plus, PLUS, it's clearly established that the fight mirrors the fight between their two ideologies, so finally the answer of whose ideas are better can be authoritatively answered via fistfights, which I think we can all agree is what philosophy has been working towards for 2000 years. Off panel: The winner's Angola, right? T-Rex: Actually it's Morocco Mali, a new character who pops out of nowhere. He's just like Angola and Brussels, but HE'S got a jetpack and cyber kangaroo legs! T-Rex (punchline): PHILOSOPHY IS FIXED FOREVER, AND YOU'RE WELCOME

it took fifteen years, but dromiceiomimus finally made an appearance in the last panel! and all we ever needed was the name of a cool horse

T-Rex: FRIENDS! A hypothetical: you have been sent back in time, and your time machine just BROKE, and now the only information you have about the future is what you've got in your head. T-Rex: ARE YOU SUPER SCREWED FOREVER? Dromiceiomimus: This is a situation I've thought about a lot! T-Rex: Oh, me too, that's why I - Dromiceiomimus: - memorized horse race results!! T-Rex: - learned how to build a compass from scratch!! T-Rex: Wait what? Utahraptor: ...Dromiceiomimus sure is betting a lot on horse racing being profitable! T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: But I guess if you'll bet on horses, you'll also bet on yourself memorizing those horses, so - Off panel: ONE HORSE WAS NAMED "POTOOOOOOOO" BECAUSE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE NAMED "POTATOES" BUT A STABLE BOY MISHEARD IT AS "POT EIGHT OS" Off panel: HE RACED FROM 1776 TO 1783, WINNING FAR MORE THAN HE LOST, AND WAS ONCE GIVEN AN AWARD *NOT* TO RACE SO THE OTHER HORSES COULD HAVE A CHANCE. HOW COULD I NOT MEMORIZE THAT?? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! My friend! T-Rex (punchline): If you come a little closer you won't have to shout!

THIS IS AS FAR AS THEY GO

T-Rex: One day Danny Dollface was sent back in time! You are probably noticing how objectively awesome Danny Dollface's name is - and you are correct!! T-Rex: But that's not the point of this story! T-Rex: "Dollface," Danny said to himself, "you've arrived back in 1990, before the internet was really cool and good. You can re-invent the sites you remember, only now YOU'LL be the one making all the money from them!" So Danny got to work, and soon he was like "here's Facebook, for I have invented social media"! Utahraptor: But with 90s-era tech it couldn't scale and was really slow and sucked? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: So it failed, but prevented the invention of Actual Facebook, which was nice. And because his name was "DollFACE", it made sense he'd still name his knockoff "Facebook"! That is the kind of rad worldbuilding you only get with me, a guy who walks around summarizing his stories out loud! Utahraptor: For free? T-Rex: NOPE. T-Rex (punchline): ...This is me holding out my hand for money, friend

I think there's actually supposed to be a comma in that name somewhere, SORRY SPRINT/SAMSUNG/GOOGLE/POSSIBLY EPIC MEGAGAMES

T-Rex: I've read a lot of science fiction from the 60s, and I have noticed a strange trend... T-Rex: ...in not one of them do they call their futuristic pocket computers "phones"! T-Rex: Lots of them have portable computers in 'em - or at the very least, portable terminals to computers so large they can only exist in hyperspace - but they always have cool names like "global uplink" or "EarthComm" or at the VERY least, "microcomputer". Not "phone"! I barely even use my phone AS a phone, and yet, that's what we all still call them! Utahraptor: Companies tried to make "smartphone" and "superphone" a thing. T-Rex: And that's STILL based on "phone"! T-Rex: It's like if we all called cars "AM radios": that's only ONE thing they do, and nobody buys 'em for that reason! It's so disappointing that we named the most futuristic things we ever invented - pocket access to a global information network! - the dullest, most misleading, silliest name possible. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: T-Rex: Aw crap, I dropped my Sprint Samsung Galaxy S II Epic 4G Touch in the toilet! Narrator (punchline): WAIT THIS IS OUR UNIVERSE, NEVERMIND

DINOSAUR COMICS WADES INTO THE PLASTIC STRAW DEBATE WITH A TAKE THAT IS NEITHER HOT NOR COLD

T-Rex: We don't inherit the Earth from our parents... we BORROW it from our children! T-Rex: Who in turn, logically, must borrow it from THEIR children too! T-Rex: Which by induction inevitably leaves the final generation on Earth the original people from whom all other Earths are borrowed. Nicely done, last generation. Dromiceiomimus: What about people who choose to live child-free? T-Rex: Well, I suppose they just borrow it from... other people's children?? Utahraptor: Are those children CONSENTING to this? And what usurious interest rate is that final generation on Earth charging us?? T-Rex: Listen, we may be getting SLIGHTLY too deep into this metaphor. I think it's just supposed to, like, make us use fewer plastic straws. T-Rex: Don't use plastic straws, Utahraptor. Off panel: Right. Because we don't inherit plastic straws from our parents, we borrow them from our children. T-Rex: Yeah. T-Rex (punchline): I guess that's how come they last so long

LISTEN: I WILL TAKE SPACE TRAVEL WHERE I CAN GET IT

T-Rex: The time is 65 million years ago. It is a distant era of history... in which DINOSAURS RULE THE EARTH!! T-Rex: Much like today, actually! T-Rex: See, because we dinosaurs have ruled the Earth for much longer than 65 million years. You and I could travel back in time 65 million years THREE TIMES IN A ROW and STILL arrive in an era in which dinosaurs rule the Earth, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: Go us. T-Rex: Yeah, go us!! Utahraptor: Sure, but where's this "65 million years" number coming from? T-Rex: Oh! T-Rex: Well, I figured, if another species was to take over, it'd take at LEAST that long for them to get smart enough to figure out we were here first. And they'd be all "whoah, dinosaurs!!" and we'd be all "whoah, whatever species came after us after we travelled to the stars and left Earth behind!!" Off panel: Listen, T-Rex... T-Rex: NO, YOU LISTEN T-Rex (punchline): A PRIVATE CORPORATION PUTTING A WEIRD BRANDED CAR INTO ORBIT IS AN IMPORTANT FIRST STEP

things i have also invented from first principles: standing desks, breakfast in bed, and chocochops: the chocolate pork chop with the real pork chop bone

T-Rex: I am a man who shares his life with one dog. But you know what's better than a single dog? T-Rex: TWO DOGS! Dromiceiomimus: You're thinking of getting a second dog, T-Rex? T-Rex: Well, I considered it, but then I asked myself, "what's better than two dogs?" and you know what my answer was? Dromiceiomimus: "A reasonable and sustainable number of dogs"? T-Rex: THREE DOGS! T-Rex: But then I realized there's something better than THREE dogs. Utahraptor: Fewer dogs?? T-Rex: ALL THE DOGS. I've concluded I should adopt every dog that needs a home, but I DO know that's too many to handle, so I'll just hang out with them temporarily and then if anyone wants to adopt one, they can. Utahraptor: Congratulations: you've invented the dog shelter from first principles. T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): You say that like there's some downside I should be seeing, and yet no matter how I look at this I see only brilliant perfection??

later: the word "lunch" fills the panel leaving room for no other thoughts or intentions, the end

T-Rex: Sometimes folks are like, "oh man, I got so caught up in my work that I forgot to eat for days on end!" T-Rex: And it's not just one folk! T-Rex: MULTIPLE folks have said this!! T-Rex: I normally feel like if we're not all members of the same species we're at LEAST all members of the same clade, but when people talk about forgetting to eat it makes me feel like either I'M an alien, or THEY'RE all aliens, because there's no way we're all on the same team here! T-Rex: You forgot? T-Rex: TO EAT?? Utahraptor: I've never forgotten to eat. T-Rex: THANK you. Utahraptor: Like, even when I'm working, at least 5% of my brain is dedicated towards approximating when lunch is, and it definitely pokes up every half hour or so with a status update on how hungry I am. T-Rex: 5%? I'd say with me it's 10, 15% easy. Narrator: BUT IN TRUTH: Off panel: T-REX, the world is under attack! Only you can save us! [T-Rex's speech is partly obscured his own thought balloons] T-Rex: This will take T-Rex: [thinks] lunch T-Rex: supreme focus T-Rex: [thinks] LUNCH! T-Rex: and …ll of my abilit… toge… con… T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'VE got to go see an Honest Jake about a powder-room privy horse

T-Rex: There was a time when we assigned labels to areas of the IQ scale: if you were 0-19 you were medically an "idiot", 20-49 was "imbecile", and 50-69 was "moron". T-Rex: But then folks started using these medical terms as insults! T-Rex: So we removed THOSE names because they turned diagnosis into a horrible insult, and instead labelled areas as "mild" to "profound mental retardation", with that word being at the time an INoffensive word meaning "slow"! But people grabbed that medical term and turned it pejorative too. Turns out, every time we come up with a new way to describe something it runs the risk of being turned into an insult! Utahraptor: It's the euphemism treadmill! T-Rex: IT SURE IS. And we're all stuck on it! T-Rex: It's not just for insults: "toilet" started out life as a euphemism (it came from French, where it suggested dressing and washing), and from that came other euphemisms, like "water closet", "ladies' room", and "restroom"! Utahraptor: What did people call toilets before "toilet"? T-Rex: "Honest Jakes". Off panel: Oh my gosh, I'm never using the word "toilet" again. T-Rex (punchline): Uh, hard same??

this comic enshrines in canon that the tiny woman in panel four has a twin who lives on tiny towne island! Who KNOWS what amazing adventures SHE's been getting up to all this time? Not me! I didn't invent her until a few seconds ago and I need some time to figure all this out!!

T-Rex: I have one friend in particular that I haven't seen in, I'll say it, a LITTLE while... T-Rex: ...my good friend Mr. Tusks!! Dromiceiomimus: Mr. Tusks - you're talking about the vice-mayor of Tiny Towne Island? T-Rex: The very same! He's an elephant that got island dwarfism and now he's MEGA SMALL! IT'S SO ADORABLE. T-Rex: [small] Hence my size-based pun at the start T-Rex: [small] It might be problematic but I'm hoping I'm fine Narrator: THAT EVENING, ON TINY TOWNE ISLAND: Utahraptor: Sorry I'm late! T-Rex: No worries, man! Girl: [tiny] Excuse me, sir T-Rex: I'm just glad we're both here to catch up with my good friend Mr. Tusks. I'm a... TINY bit excited to be here! Utahraptor: That IS the official town motto here! T-Rex: Now... where's Mr. Tusks? Off panel: [tiny] How rude Off panel: [small] Hullo T-Rex, sorry I'm late! I ran into a... LITTLE bit of traffic?? T-Rex: Hah! CLASSIC Mr. Tusks!! Off panel (punchline): [small] In all seriousness though it is one of the major issues of my vice-mayoralty

if you don't know canadian folk music then i'm sorry but THIS PARTICULAR DINOSAUR COMIC IS NOT FOR YOU, but check out Stan Rogers and then come back and you'll have NO REGRETS

T-Rex: Oh, the year was 1778! God: HOW I WISH I WAS IN SHERBROOKE NOW T-Rex: A letter of marque came from the king... T-Rex: ...to the scummiest vessel I've ever seen! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: God damn them all! Dromiceiomimus: I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold Utahraptor: We'd fire no guns T-Rex and Utahraptor: shed no teaaaaars! Utahraptor: Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier T-Rex: The last of Barrett's Privateers Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE EMOJI UNIVERSE: T-Rex: ?️1️⃣️7️⃣️7️⃣️8️⃣️ ?️?️ ✉️?️?️⛵️? ☁️☇???? ?️?️?️??️?️ ?️?️?️?️ ?️?️?️??️?️ ?️?️@ ?‍☠️️ T-Rex (punchline): NAILED IT

i hereby declare this... the age... of "whoopsie doopsie"

T-Rex: Okay, I am a guy who talks a LOT OF SMACK about our mortal, fallible, endlessly-able-to-die bodies. T-Rex: MAINLY because all the failing and dying they do is bad and not cool?? T-Rex: HOWEVER, I will say this: the fact our brains can forget things is actually PRETTY USEFUL. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex comes out in favour of forgetfulness! Not a take I was expecting! T-Rex: I know, but there ARE advantages! I can't tell you the name of the fourth-grade enemy. I HATED him then, and now he's just - profoundly irrelevant. And I'd rather not hate anyone, so that's good! Utahraptor: Plus forgetfulness gives you relief from all those embarrassing things you've done! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: In theory, I mean. In theory we can forget them. Utahraptor: Yes, in theory I can forget those embarrassing things, and may still do that one day, but not yet, but maybe one day. And that's something to look forward to! I will eventually, one fine day, not have to relive them!! Narrator: BUT THEN SOCIAL MEDIA IS INVENTED IN WHICH EVERYTHING WE EVER DO IS PRESERVED FOREVER, IN A MEDIUM THAT IS BOTH PUBLICLY AND UNIVERSALLY ACCESSIBLE: T-Rex: Hah hah T-Rex (punchline): Whoopsie doopsie

new rule: every line of dialogue in comics must be sung to "in the hall of the mountain king". not just this comic. all comics

T-Rex: You will live only a certain number of hours, and then you will stop living. During those hours, you will listen to a certain number of songs... T-Rex: ...and then you will be a skeleton who, lacking as they do eardrums, CANNOT HEAR ANYTHING! T-Rex: So there is a finite number of songs you can listen to. And given this ticking clock deadline and the fact there's more recorded music than ANYONE could listen to in their entire lifetimes, you'd think we'd be running around listening to all the new tunes we can. T-Rex: AND YET, MOST OF US HAVE LISTENED TO A SINGLE SONG MORE THAN ONCE! Utahraptor: So? It was a banging track with only the MOST brutal drops. I'D DO IT AGAIN. T-Rex: That's my point! T-Rex: We find a song we like and we listen to it over and over, but the odds are OVERWHELMINGLY LIKELY that, at best, it's just a LOCAL maximum! Wouldn't you rather listen to the #1 BEST SONG over and over, instead of the 15161st best that just HAPPENS to be better than the others you've heard already? Off panel: Think I'd rather not live my life frantically trying to determine objective "bestness" before I die. T-Rex (punchline): Dude: super fair point, but this conversation is eating into my listening time, so either you start responding in song or I gotta bounce.

if not even a batman can completely stop crime then what hope do we NON-bat men have

T-Rex: Criminals have learned that if you pick the right pockets, you can steal wallets right out of 'em! So hiding your money in a pocket is NO LONGER SECURE. T-Rex: Enter... T-Rex: ...the money belt!! T-Rex: But that only works until a criminal ALSO sees an ad for a money belt and realizes "hey, some belts have folded-up money stuffed in 'em" and starts stealing belts, as well as wallets. It's an arms race for hiding valuables on yourself! Is there NO WAY to stay protected from the criminal element? Dromiceiomimus: Is this a bitcoin thing? T-Rex: NO THIS IS NOT A BITCOIN THING, GOD T-Rex: The answer is not "abandon physical goods"! Utahraptor: What is the answer then? T-Rex: To change the world so that a) no state produces people so poor they have to steal to live, or b), so that it produces Batman. Because then you've got Batman, FAMOUS for preventing muggings! Utahraptor: Actually he's famous for living in a city that, despite his best efforts, still suffers crime which - T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR, STOP! I will not hear one more bad word about Batman!! Off panel: ...Or you'll what? T-Rex: OR I'LL GET - T-Rex: JUST T-Rex (punchline): JUST REALLY REALLY SAD

t-rex once again showing off the advantages of his vivid, and literally pixel-accurate imagination

T-Rex: What up, suckers?! My new thing is calling everyone suckers!! T-Rex: Hope you like it, SUCKERS! Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex! Hope YOU like being responsible for the words you say, including the consequences that arise from calling everyone "suckers"! T-Rex: What! Suckers, what are you saying? Dromiceiomimus: I'm saying that calling everyone "suckers" might negatively impact your life, buddy! T-Rex: But - but suckers, it's my new thing! Utahraptor: I think Dromiceiomimus has a point! T-Rex: Suckers! Not you too!! Utahraptor: Yep! THIS suckers would prefer to be addressed by his given name, "Utahraptor", which - like you and Dromiceiomimus - is also the name of his species, but we all work with what we've got. T-Rex: Well, I'll say this, suckers: you've given me a lot to think about. T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Suckers = [image of Utahraptor]?!

sherlock holmes sighed. it was time to deduce and do cocaine, and he'd just done a lot of cocaine a few seconds ago

T-Rex: Dollface Danny, who was now a criminal with an awesome name but that's not the point of this story, sighed. What was even the point? Why should he commit crimes... T-Rex: ...in a world in which SHERLOCK HOLMES was real? Dromiceiomimus: Just to clarify, is Dollface in the fictional world in which Sherlock stories usually take place, or is he in our world, but it's now one in which Sherlock Holmes has suddenly become real? T-Rex: Ooh, it was going to be the first one, but now it's the second! Utahraptor: Is just Sherlock Holmes real, or are more fictional characters doing that too? T-Rex: THEY ALL ARE. T-Rex: At first things were great, because Sherlock's a good guy to have around, but then when Godzilla and Cthulhu became real things were bad again. But then they fought, and it was amazing, though lots of cities got smushed, so again: pretty bad. T-Rex: Dollface Danny dies in the middle of all of this, and I'm sorry for your loss. Off panel: I'm okay. I didn't really care about him. T-Rex (punchline): Oh wow, Dollface Danny is also sorry for your INCREDIBLE LACK OF EMPATHY

"don't bite the hand that feeds you" in Russia becomes "don't spit into the well, for it may be useful to drink water later". GOOD ADVICE?? IT KINDA MAKES YOU WONDER WHO WAS SPITTING INTO WELLS SO OFTEN THEY HAD TO MAKE A PROVERB ABOUT IT THOUGH??

T-Rex: "Don't count your chickens before they hatch!" is a thing you say when you want to express "don't get too confident about the future" but also want to involve chickens. But what do you say in less chicken-centric countries?? Narrator: FOREIGN EQUIVALENTS OF ENGLISH PROVERBS T-Rex: In Russia it becomes the much more evocative "Don't share the bear's pelt before you have killed it". Similarly, Russian "out of the frying pan and into the fire" is "when running away from a wolf, you can run into a bear!", and "once bitten, twice shy" is "he who was burned by hot milk blows on cold water". In China it's the EVEN BETTER "he who is bitten by a snake dreads a rope for a decade"! Utahraptor: These are all amazing! How come every other language is kicking our butt at proverbs?? T-Rex: I WISH I KNEW. T-Rex: But they tell WAY better stories. Japan's "nothing ventured, nothing gained" is "if you do not enter the tiger's cave, you will not catch its cub!" Utahraptor: I LOVE IT. T-Rex: ME TOO. It's time to fix our proverbs, Utahraptor!! Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: Instead of "you have to walk before you can run!", let's say "You have to get through Season 1 of Star Trek TNG before you can get to 'The Best Of Both Worlds'"! T-Rex (punchline): There were very few good episodes in Season 1, and the people need to know.

"weltschmerz": of COURSE german has a word for the sadness and ennui you experience when you realize the physical world can never satisfy everything your mind can imagine. I WOULD BE HONESTLY SHOCKED IF IT DIDN'T

T-Rex: Sometimes your language will have a word in it that can't easily be translated into other languages, because those languages simply don't have a word for that concept! Sorry, other languages! T-Rex: YOU LOSE THIS ROUND?? Dromiceiomimus: I assume you came prepared with an example? T-Rex: Oh I for sure did: a word English has that Russian doesn't. Of course you can convey the ideas with a PHRASE, but capturing it in a single word is impossible! And that English word is one we use all the time: the adjective "EXCITED". T-Rex: Define "excited" for me, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: The state of having excitement! T-Rex: Okay, yes, but define it without using the word itself. Utahraptor: Um - the state of looking ahead to something that will be good? T-Rex: THAT'S THE THING. The reason "excited" is so hard to translate is because in Russian, THERE'S NO WORD FOR LOOKING TO THE FUTURE WITH HAPPINESS. God: WHOAH God: T-REX I'M OMNISCIENT AND THAT'S STILL THE MOST RUSSIAN THING I'VE EVER HEARD T-Rex: Yeah! T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): ...Yeah

FACT FIVE: sometimes food gets real sad about food getting real sad sometimes

T-Rex: Many folks like a thing, but don't know nearly enough true facts about that thing. I am of course speaking about food! And that's going to change right now, with... Narrator: TRUE FACTS ABOUT: FOOD T-Rex: FACT ONE: Every conflict over thousands of years can be blamed on food. FACT TWO: Some food hungers... for REVENGE. FACT THREE: Sure, food has invented computers and gone to the moon... but how come it hasn't invented a way to solve the minor annoyances that bother you, of which there are probably several?? Utahraptor: Are we food in this scenario? T-Rex: We are absolutely food here, yep. T-Rex: You know, since bacteria eat us when we die, we're ALL technically food, hence: these true facts. Utahraptor: Got it. Fact four: some food gets sad sometimes? T-Rex: FACT FOUR: Some food gets sad sometimes!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Oh dang, was he reaching out for love and support?? T-Rex: Oh dang T-Rex (punchline): Did I whiff on a friendship support opportunity AGAIN

it's a bold and unstoppable gambit, i'll give you that

T-Rex: Captain Picard, from Star Trek, was on the bridge of the Enterprise E! "This story takes place after 'Star Trek: Generations' but before the events of 'Star Trek: Nemesis'," he mused quietly to himself. T-Rex: Suddenly, the ship shuddered as it unexpectedly dropped out of warp! T-Rex: Picard turned to Dr. Leah Brahms. "Doctor," he said, "as you are a leading scientist in warp field theory, and are here on the Enterprise to assist us in our new experimental warp drive - which was partially designed with input from Commander Geordi La Forge, who you share a personal history with - do you have any idea what happened?" T-Rex: "I'm looking into it," she answered! Utahraptor: T-Rex, stop! Utahraptor: If you want your writing to sing, you'll have to come up with better ways to inform readers of backstory. People don't go around REMINDING each other of their shared history all the time! It's just not realistic! T-Rex: Thank you, Utahraptor! This is very useful feedback! T-Rex: As you know, we met years ago as roommates, and you've been my friend ever since, often helping me to become my best self! Off panel: GAH! Instead of making your writing better, you've chosen to make REALITY worse! Off panel: *sigh* Off panel (punchline): It's a bold gambit, I'll give you that

you either die a nerd, or live long enough to see yourself become a jock. or maybe there's a third option too. probably there's lots of ways to live your life when you really think about it

T-Rex: Yes! Finally. FINALLY. Today I am victorious! TODAY IS THE DAY I GET TO SAY "I TOLD YOU SO!" T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: Attention, everyone!! T-Rex: I told y'all CLEARLY so!! Dromiceiomimus: What did you tell us all so about, T-Rex? T-Rex: See, when I was a kid I was bullied by jocks for being a "computer nerd", but now EVERYONE uses a computer all the time AND carries one around in their pocket, which means I WAS RIGHT and the jocks have become all that they once hated! Computers ARE cool and fun! IT'S JUST AS I SUSPECTED! Utahraptor: Counterpoint: computer nerds ARE actually kinda awful! T-Rex: EXPLAIN! Utahraptor: Computer nerds gave us pervasive surveillance, data break-ins so common they no longer make the news, and Facebook. And that's not getting into the cultural problem how many are the richest and most powerful people alive, but still act (and self-justify) like they're downtrodden underdogs. Off panel: My point is this: if I COULD go back in time kick sand in Zuckerberg's face at the beach, I would. Can any of us TRULY say otherwise?? T-Rex: Oh my gosh, Utahraptor!! NERDS... T-Rex (punchline): ...NERDS HAVE TURNED US ALL INTO JOCKS

UPDATE: none of what t-rex says in the last panel is a little thing called "science", babies

T-Rex: You know what's a fake idea? DESTINY IS A FAKE IDEA. T-Rex: And heeeeeere's why! T-Rex: Let's say you're destined to become a great filmmaker, but you're born in 1475. Oh dang, sorry! FILMIC ART DOESN'T EXIST YET! Sorry about your fate, bro! Dromiceiomimus: Well wouldn't your destiny then to be a great, I don't know, chimney-sweep or something? Dromiceiomimus: [small] It's my understanding that past chimneys were kept well-swept on the regular Utahraptor: Seems to me like "destiny" is just applying supernatural motivations to what happened anyway! T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: Claiming you have a DESTINY supposes the universe has a preferred shape AND that there's a force plotting out storylines, but that it isn't quiiiite strong enough to always ensure they happen. Utahraptor: Lot of big assumptions to make just so you can make some dang movies!! T-Rex: This is how come instead of saying "it's my destiny to" I just say "I would really prefer it if in this chaotic multiverse, the parallel timeline my consciousness inhabits is the one in which I"! T-Rex (punchline): It's a little thing called "SCIENCE", babies??

"Rotparhatu" is a terrific name for an elder god, and if you disagree then I'm afraid you will soon face the baleful wrath... of ROTPARHATU

T-Rex: Welcome to T-REX'S RIDDLE CORNER! You'll definitely need a giant brain to answer this noggin-stumper! T-Rex: Say my name and I disappear. WHAT AM I?? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, that's easy. The answer is Mister Mxyzptlk from Superman lore, an imp who can be sent back to his own dimension by tricking him into saying his name backwards. T-Rex: What? No - that wasn't what I was thinking of! The answer is "silence"! Say "silence" and it goes away!! Utahraptor: Seems like a good riddle would have just one answer, my friend! T-Rex: It WAS a good riddle! T-Rex: It's "say my name and I disappear", not "say my name BACKWARDS and I disappear". Utahraptor: I'd argue a backwards name is just a version of the original! T-Rex: Well if THAT'S the way you feel, I'm sure you won't mind me calling you ROTPARHATU from now - T-Rex (punchline): ...on...

What has no voice yet sings beautifully, no legs yet outruns the cops easily, and no money yet buys stuff for all its friends constantly? When you find out definitely let me know because they sound AMAZING to spend a Friday night with

T-Rex: One day Batman was up against his greatest villain y- T-Rex: Hold on, scratch that. T-Rex: One day Batman was up against his most recent villain yet - T-Rex: THE RIDDLER! T-Rex: The Riddler demanded Batman solve his riddle to end his crime spree, but Bats demurred, instead implying that HE had a riddle that even the Riddler couldn't solve! That of course instantly incensed the Riddler, who was literally named "E. Nigma" and who made being "best at riddles" his whole deal several years ago. "I WILL SOLVE YOUR RIDDLE!!" he shouted. Utahraptor: So Batman told him his riddle? T-Rex: He sure did! T-Rex: Only his riddle was "what has no eyes, yet sees a solution to income inequality that leaves everyone satisfied?" The Riddler knew no such thing existed, but that'd mean there was a riddle with no answer - INTOLERABLE to him - so instead he spent several years inventing a machine that did those things. T-Rex: With income inequality now solved, Batman kept Riddler busy with new riddles, such as "what's free yet offers global access to affordable power and clean water?" And that's how Riddler and Batman literally saved the world. T-Rex (punchline): BAM.

either that or an algorithm stuck in a "while" loop, any one of these could've been what the ancient babylonians were thinking of

T-Rex: Everyone loves a riddle! And by that I mean, throughout history there have at least been SOME people who like riddles... T-Rex: ...and then foist them on the rest of us! T-Rex: And that means we've got some RIDDLES from thousands and thousands of years ago, including some from ancient Babylon! Are you ready for this, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: READY. T-Rex: "My knees hasten, my feet do not rest, a shepherd without pity drives me to pasture. What am I?" Utahraptor: ...No idea, dude. T-Rex: Me neither!! T-Rex: And only the riddle survived - not the answer! So GOOD LUCK solving this one, because the best you'll ever get is a shrug and an "I dunno, maybe?". The ancient Babylonians all died and took their answers with them! This, my friend, is one question that will NEVER be solved!! T-Rex: HOPE YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING TO SLEEP, BECAUSE THIS RIDDLE IS GONNA KEEP YOU UP ALLLLL NI-- Off panel: Oh, I've got it! It's a cyborg operating under an inviolable movement protocol. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...Oh dang it, it totally is

plus it taught criminals to not do crimes in their muddy boots, which in the end just made things harder for everyone

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes deduced with disapproval. ANOTHER mystery? T-Rex: If this trend continued, by August he'd scarcely have time to eat, what with all the deductions! T-Rex: "Perhaps you could train others to deduce at your elite level," Watson suggested. "That way the fate of the world wouldn't be resting on your shoulders, and you could raise up everyone around your level of skill." T-Rex: Sherlock listened carefully, deducing Watson's implications. And he liked what he deduced! Utahraptor: And so began Sherlock's Deduction Class For Police And Other Members of the Public! T-Rex: SO IT DID, yes. T-Rex: Soon everyone was noticing a muddy footprint and deducing where the diamonds were buried - but the criminals had heightened deduction skills now too! This of course led to very complicated super-heists that only super detectives - like Sherlock - could solve. It was hard to see that as an improvement. T-Rex: In the end, Sherlock deduced a way to blame himself for that. T-Rex (punchline): The end!

skrtch skrtch

T-Rex: I just had a great idea! What if instead of going to sleep, instead I just... T-Rex: ...NEVER WENT TO GO TO SLEEP AGAIN?? Dromiceiomimus: I've seen you sleep before, man! T-Rex: Yes, but I only did that because I felt sleepy! I've also scratched myself before, but that was only because I felt itchy, and if I hadn't scratched I'm sure I wouldn't have DIED. Utahraptor: Okay: before you give up sleep, I challenge you to give up scratching instead! T-Rex: YOU'RE ON. [no text] Narrator: BUT THEN T-REX's NECK GETS REAL ITCHY: T-Rex: FINE, I admit it!! T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): I am forever constrained within the meat prison of my body whose whims I do not understand but cannot deny ARE YOU SATISFIED

for a person who claims not to like mistakes, i sure have made a lot of them

T-Rex: Science has made a lot of progress over the past few centuries! For example, in the past we didn't know how to make computers, but now here on Earth we have manufactured well over FIFTEEN different computers! T-Rex: Which is, I must say, more than philosophy can claim! T-Rex: Where's the progress in philosophy, the bold new world-changing ideas there? Heck, we're still debating the things that PLATO and ARISTOTLE said, and they're ANCIENT GREEKS! The civilization they came from no longer exists and neither of them ever sent a Snapchat IN THEIR LIVES, but we're still stuck on what they thought! Maybe it's time for some new ideas, PHILOSOPHY. Utahraptor: Ah, but you're assuming that "new" means "better"! T-Rex: Because it does! Utahraptor: But if "new" is "better", that implies that "old" is "worse", which forces you to concede that old easily-replaced computers are crappy, while old philosophies - since they haven't been superseded - must therefore have some timeless value. Otherwise they'd be replaced! Narrator: BUT THEN ALL PHILOSOPHY IS REPLACED WITH A VERSION 2.0 BLOCKCHAIN-BACKED SERVICE PACK: T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): I feel like it's time to admit that when it comes to reality, MISTAKES WERE MADE.

*i turn to the camera* and that's what I think about showing and not telling

T-Rex: Writing advice is always "ooh, show don't tell! Show don't tell! Are you telling because we're all pretty sure you should be showing right now!" But I've got one name for you, writing advisors! A little name called... T-Rex: ...WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE?? T-Rex: See, SHAKESPEARE was all about the telling and not the showing. Here is a writer who would stop all the action in his plays so that a character could LITERALLY TURN TO THE AUDIENCE and tell you their feelings! He called 'em "monologues" and he's KNOWN for them! Utahraptor: And all the other characters ignore this insane thing that's happening! T-Rex: RIGHT?! T-Rex: They just stand around waiting for it to be over, and then they all pretend it didn't happen, and wow you might want to say that sounds like bad writing but you can't because BILL SHAKESPEARE DID IT ALL THE TIME AND WE ALL DECIDED HE'S GREAT FOUR HUNDRED YEARS AGO! Narrator: FOUR HUNDRED YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Forsooth, I do enjoy the playes of this "William Shakespeare". Shall we decide thusly that he rules forever? Off panel (punchline): Sirrah, I believe we shall

role playing is EASY, just roll 2d20 for how much muscle description you want

T-Rex: It is 100 years from when you last fell asleep! Just like Rip Van Winkle, you fell asleep and slumbered... FOR A HUNDRED YEARS!! Everyone you knew is probably dead!! T-Rex: And your body is ruined and unsalvageable!! T-Rex: While you ARE technically "alive", your muscles have atrophied to the point of non-existence, and your body is so old as to be - and I am speaking objectively here - completely useless. About the only thing your body WAS good at was sleeping, but you're awake now, so you're not even doing THAT right anymore. Utahraptor: Is all hope lost for me? T-Rex: Not quite! T-Rex: There's always the chance that, if you fall asleep AGAIN, you might wake up another hundred years in the future, perhaps in an era in which science has figured out how to make sucky bodies cool and good again. Utahraptor: I'll take it! Also I open several investments and interest earning bank accounts. T-Rex: You wake up in 100 years, and everyone you know is DEFINITELY dead! You are, however, rich AND muscley. I can tell you more about your sweet muscles now if you'd like. Off panel: Oh! Off panel (punchline): Yes please

shout out to all my pobodies trying hard every day, even if they're not yet fully nerfect

T-Rex: It's time to start caring about the environment! Arguably, it's well past time to start caring about the environment, but as the ol' saying goes: better late than never, right?? T-Rex: It's always better too late than too never!! T-Rex: And as part of my new and exciting "caring about the environment" regime, I'm going to eat less beef parts - which contribute to global methane levels - and instead eat more chicken parts! Dromiceiomimus: Crickets require less water AND food per pound of meat than both cows and chickens, making them the more ethical choice for the concerned meat lover. T-Rex: Oh. T-Rex: At least I can purchase a brand new fuel-efficient car! Utahraptor: I mean, you COULD! Utahraptor: But if you really cared about the environment you'd buy a used car, or better yet, bike everywhere. T-Rex: Frig, man! Every step I take to improve things, I get criticised for it not being the objectively optimal one! I guess since POBODY'S NERFECT, we shouldn't even TRY?? Narrator: LATER, T-REX GIVES MONEY TO CHARITY: Off panel: That charity spends too much of its money on admin and salaries. T-Rex: Dang it!! T-Rex (punchline): WHY is it SO HARD to find a SINGLE pobody who is nerfect, I might ask??

can't wait for history to vindicate all my awesome opinions, it's going to be GREAT and besides if it's not, whatever i'm dead anyway

T-Rex: SCIENCE! It's always improving. For example, a hundred years ago we didn't know drying a plant, rolling it up into a little tube, lighting that tube on fire... T-Rex: ...bringing that smoldering tube to your lips and inhaling... T-Rex: ...and holding that addictive smoke inside your lungs several times a day for the rest of your life was a bad thing to do! But now we do! T-Rex: So it's a good thing we finally figured that out!! T-Rex: THANKS, science! Utahraptor: Makes you wonder what we're missing now that people in a hundred years will know is bad! T-Rex: Nah! T-Rex: I think it's pretty obvious that OUR generation is the first to nail it, and that future peeps will look back on us and say "they made no mistakes and were always right - especially T-Rex, whose name has echoed down through the ages. Man, that dude had some correct opinions that have without exception all aged well!". T-Rex: I don't want to set expectations too high, so I will simply say this! T-Rex (punchline): Anything less than that and my life is a COMPLETE WASTE

this is why charities allow anonymous donations: for when your horny levels reach maximum and you don't want your parents finding out precisely how horny you are capable of getting

T-Rex: "To love someone else, you must first love yourself"! Let's assume that's strictly true! T-Rex: It's time to get on the love train, everyone!! T-Rex: Choo choo!! Dromiceiomimus: So I take it you're looking for love, buddy? T-Rex: CONSTANTLY. And I realized, when there's more people out there who can love themselves, that means there's more people out there who are POTENTIALLY capable of loving ME! THEREFORE, if I want to maximize the number of fulfilling AND PERHAPS SEXUAL relationships I can have, I must maximize the number of people who love themselves - stat! Utahraptor: You're doing more than just DEMANDING people love themselves, yeah? T-Rex: But of course! T-Rex: I'm donating to programs that both provide AND destigmatize treatments for improved mental health. Utahraptor: Wait - are you making the world a better place... for partially HORNY reasons?? T-Rex: I AM, Utahraptor! And the hornier I get... THE MORE I DONATE!! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: Sir, this is a VERY generous donation! Thank you! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): don't judge me

hey now, you're an all star, get your forgotten classes of sandwiches on, get paid

T-Rex: Food has trends like anything else! In the 70s people were all "ooh, let's put assorted weird meats in Jello!" But now people are like, "ooh, let's NOT put any assorted weird meats in Jello!" T-Rex: Circle of life, my friends! T-Rex: And I feel one such food trend is due for a comeback: THE SANDWICH LOAF. Dromiceiomimus: What's that? T-Rex: Basically you: take a whole loaf of bread, cut it horizontally several times, and make it into a giant loaf-of-bread shaped sandwich! Then you just cut a vertical slice off whenever you've got a hankerin' for some bulk sando!! Utahraptor: This sounds amazing. T-Rex: RIGHT?? T-Rex: You could have a sandwich in your fridge, READY TO GO, whenever you want it. Heck, we could use ground beef to form a CHEESEBURGER LOAF!! Utahraptor: Well what are we waiting for? Let's go make that RIGHT NOW! T-Rex: YOU'RE ON!! Narrator: AND SO: Off panel: I'm worried we've eaten too much meat, bread, and cheese in one sitting. T-Rex: Huh! Weird. T-Rex (punchline): ...I'M worried that we've ascended to such a high plane of existence that there is no-one left who can judge us??

my favourite running gag in this comic / my life is that the only verb Sherlock is really capable of doing is deducing. I deduce that this is canon too

T-Rex: One day, Moriarty got the drop on Sherlock - let's say at the Reichenbach Falls - and he almost killed him! T-Rex: And Sherlock's life flashed before his eyes!! T-Rex: After Sherlock survived, of course, he deduced that SINCE his life flashed before his eyes, that therefore indicated that his mind not only stored a complete record of everything he'd ever seen, but that it was ALSO capable of retrieving and displaying it at insanely fast speeds. And this, he deduced, could be EXPLOITED. T-Rex: He started flipping through books quickly, just glancing at each page! Utahraptor: And then? T-Rex: And THEN, whenever he needed access to that information, he'd just put himself in a dangerous position! During the "flash", he could study at his leisure, and deduce what he needed to know. Using this technique he'd instantly deduce how to survive an explosion DURING AN EXPLOSION! T-Rex: Later on, criminals were like, man, maybe stealing a ruby and leaving an elaborate series of clues behind isn't actually worth it, and Sherlock would pop up and say "YOU WALKED PAST A CAFE I WAS AT FIVE YEARS AGO, JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW". T-Rex (punchline): This is canon.

i wrote this whole comic before realizing the quote is actually "there were no more WORLDS left to conquer". well, dinosaur Alexander said it different. also neither of them spoke english. also neither of them probably ever said it. so uh now who's weeping

T-Rex: "And so Alexander the Great looked upon the world and wept, for there were no more mountains left to climb". T-Rex: Too bad Alexander the Great wasn't a Batman fan, huh?? T-Rex: Here's the thing, Alex: even if you've read EVERY Batman comic, you don't need to weep, because they're always making more of them so there's always more to read! And even if you've read all of THOSE, there's the spin-off media. And if you've consumed all THAT? Well, time for the behind-the-scenes info: stuff that was cut, bios on the creators - there's ALWAYS more! Utahraptor: But what if I'm A the G and I've consumed ALL that? T-Rex: Then start creating it! FANART CITY. T-Rex: There's no peak, Utahraptor. Being a Batman fan is something you can do for your entire life and NEVER PEAK. In contrast, there are - what, FIVE mountains worth climbing? SIX, tops?? And they're all variations on "big triangle"? Utahraptor: I don't think that's accurate. T-Rex: WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!! Narrator: LATER, ON THE TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST: T-Rex: Hmm, yes, I was actually super correct earlier. Floating Batman head (punchline): hey thanks man

Okay, fine. How about I call my story... "The Odyssey". No? "The Trial". No? "The Collected Short Stories of Franz Kafka". PERFECT.

T-Rex: My latest scifi epic is about a robot who breaks her programming and escapes her factory, only to get her wheels caught in the vast field of grains that surround it... where she spends a century considering her fate! I call it... T-Rex: ...The Catcher In The Rye! Dromiceiomimus: That, uh - that name is definitely taken, T-Rex. T-Rex: No, I looked it up and there's no Katherine T. Rye in the phone book, so - Dromiceiomimus: Not by a person! By a preexisting story! It's quite famous, actually. T-Rex: Well looks like MINE will be the second story with that name! Utahraptor: I don't think so! Utahraptor: I think my boy Salinger has taken that name for all time. T-Rex: Eugh, FINE. J.D. can have that name, and I'll give MY story a different and arguably better name! How about... "I, Robot"? Utahraptor: Also taken. T-Rex: "One Hundred Years Of Solitude". Off panel: Taken. T-Rex: "As I Lay Dying". Off panel: Taken! T-Rex: "198-4", after her serial number? Off panel (punchline): ...I'm having real trouble believing you're not doing this on purpose

here's my impression of t-rex tasting a roasted brussels sprout: "this.... is OKAY!!". that's it, thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my impression of t-rex tasting a roasted brussels sprout

T-Rex: Every time you meet someone new, there's a non-zero chance they won't like you. Sorry! Try not to take it personally! T-Rex: Even though they don't like you because of who you personally are! T-Rex: And that means that the more people you meet, the more people there are out there in the world who now KNOW they don't care for you. So hey, that's just something to keep in mind whenever you're meeting a new group of people: the number of folks in the world who don't like you is monotonically increasing, and YOU'RE MAKING IT HAPPEN!! Utahraptor: "Monotonically increasing"? T-Rex: Getting larger without getting smaller. Utahraptor: Ah. Well, there's also a non-zero chance they might like me once they get to know me better, so that number COULD go down. T-Rex: Hmm... I DID once hate Brussels sprouts, but then I had them roasted, and now I think they're okay. Can this ALSO happen with people?? Narrator: AND SO: Off panel: Sir, you're the Brussels sprout of people, in that once I figure out the one way in which I can interact with you that doesn't leave me feeling disgusted and wanting to vomit, you're not so bad! T-Rex (punchline): Oh my god, SAME

it's actually BETTER than instantaneous, so - that's nice ;P

T-Rex: One day time travel got invented! But, and here's the catch, you could only go back in time at most ONE SECOND. T-Rex: Pretty useless for most scenarios! T-Rex: What could one second gain you? NOT MUCH, except in a contrived scenario in which you made a mistake, realized that mistake, AND were already sitting inside the time machine, all in the space of one single second. So it was a pretty useless invention! Dromiceiomimus: However, all time travel is by necessity also SPACE travel as well, right? T-Rex: Oh, right! Utahraptor: Because AS WE ALL KNOW, if it wasn't, then going back in time would strand you in the depths of space. T-Rex: True! Utahraptor: So if you travelled back in time 0.000001 seconds, but could adjust WHERE you arrive, then what you've really got is an INSTANTANEOUS TELEPORTER. T-Rex: Whoah! Utahraptor, can you just - write my story for me?? Utahraptor: I thought as a writer you love writing stories! T-Rex: Ah! Common misconception. We love getting the CREDIT for writing stories, but the actual writing is a trial without end. ;) And to answer your question, no, I don't know how I made my mouth say ";)". T-Rex (punchline): ...It keeps happening

also, chicken soup isn't medicine. enjoy!!

T-Rex: Are you feeling under the weather? Sounds like you need some chicken soup. So, here's a recipe for chicken soup! T-Rex: First, you'll want some chicken parts, say a limb and a breast! T-Rex: Probably you will have to pay someone you don't know some money to supply you with the dead parts of a chicken; society decided this is fine. Put the parts into a pot, keeping in mind that if you lick your fingers here you can get a disease that kills you. Cover the parts in water and some vegetables (carrots, onions, celery) and cook the slurry until the flesh is consumable. Utahraptor: Now run it through a strainer? T-Rex: You got it! T-Rex: You'll want to rend the flesh from bone with your fingers, reducing it to a shredded mass of proteins. Put the cooked flesh and vegetables back into the broth, add some salt - which is a rock evolution decided is good to eat - and you're ready! You feed on life, and this is a good combination of life to use. Banner (punchline): I'm not sorry

old man yells at (children monetizing their own childhood in the) cloud

T-Rex: Hey, guess what the hottest pepper in the world is? If you said "I don't know but I'd say the bhut jolokia, also known as the ghost pepper, is definitely in the top five", then you guessed correctly! T-Rex: And THIS GUY has grown 7 of 'em! Dromiceiomimus: Why would you grow these peppers, T-Rex? T-Rex: The baby plants only cost $1! ONE DOLLAR, Dromiceiomimus! That's an easy investment that has paid off, in POSSIBLY DELICIOUS FRUIT! Dromiceiomimus: Wait - you haven't tasted them? T-Rex: Nope! NO WAY. Utahraptor: Good, that shows you're not an idiot! T-Rex: I like where this is going, but explain! Utahraptor: Ghost peppers are 100 times hotter than the hottest jalapenos, so any recipe you'd add them to would otherwise call for 100 jalapenos. NO SUCH RECIPE EXISTS, because there's no food-related use for your pepper! Besides... T-Rex: Besides? Utahraptor: BESIDES EATING A BUNCH FOR A YOUTUBE STUNT, THAT IS!! Off panel: ...which, I must say, we are thankfully WAY too old and mature to consider doing. T-Rex: Oh my god, how lucky are we that YouTube didn't exist when we were kids? Off panel: T-REX Off panel (punchline): WE'RE THE LUCKIEST GENERATION

please don't tell them it was meeEEEeeEeeee who scared you

Narrator: THE SKELETON WHO WANTED BLOOD Narrator: a spooky tale for hallowe'en! T-Rex: Once there was a skeleton... who wanted BLOOD!! T-Rex: This of course was extremely frustrating for her, because any blood she drank would just run down her empty torso and pool on the ground beneath her. That's assuming, of course, she could get some - which she couldn't, because she was a skeleton and they can't move under their own power, which meant she was just big ol' pile of forgotten bones. T-Rex: So that was frustrating too. Utahraptor: Could she actually EXPRESS her desire for blood in any way whatsoever? T-Rex: No. Not at all. T-Rex: But that didn't stop her FEELING it just as keenly - a thirst that could never be quenched, an itch that could never be scratched for all eternity, where even the blessed release of death was denied her. All she could do was sit motionless, broken, forever burning and obsessing in the pain of desire. T-Rex: Hope you kids like some existential horrooOOoor! And also vowel sounds extended to sound spoooOOooOOoky!! T-Rex (punchline): ...Check with your parents before you listen to my taaaAAAaaAAale!

PERHAPS I DIDN'T MAKE THIS CLEAR, BUT THE FACT THEY'RE SELLING BLOOD FOR PROFIT IS THE SCARIEST PART OF THIS WHEN YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT

Narrator: THE MOBILE SKELETON WHO WANTED BLOOD Narrator: a spooky tale for hallowe'en! T-Rex: Once there was a skeleton who wanted blood... and could move under her own volition! T-Rex: "Oh frig me," said the first guy who saw her, "she wants BLOOD? I'm chock full of that stuff!!" And he ran away. But this skeleton could move, so she gave chase! Dromiceiomimus: Did he get away? T-Rex: THIS time! But... the skeleton had a PLAN. T-Rex: She decided rather than CHASING the living, she'd LURE them right into her clutches! Utahraptor: How? T-Rex: She'd offer juice and cookies after harvesting their blood. And some days? She'd lure them in with FREE PIZZA. Utahraptor: Wait - is she just running a blood bank here? T-Rex: Correct! T-Rex: But as THIS blood bank was staffed only by skeletons who worked for free, it put the other blood banks - staffed by the living - out of business. BEHOLD THE HORRIFYING EFFECTS OF PURE FREE-MARKET CAPITALISM! Off panel: It doesn't sound so bad. T-Rex (punchline): BEHOLD THEM!!