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I missed: one (1) civilization

T-Rex: Hey, who needs a volunteer to go live on the moon? T-Rex: BECAUSE I, T-REX, AM HEREBY VOLUNTEERING. Dromiceiomimus: Wow, T-Rex, you really want to leave both us AND everyone else who ever lived to go chill on a lifeless rock? T-Rex: YES. Because you know what you ALSO escape when you escape everyone else? Their GERMS. The common cold is only common because y'all are CARRYING it everywhere. Alone, on the moon, it will FINALLY be impossible for me to catch a disease! Utahraptor: You might arrive there with some disease already in you. T-Rex: Sure! MAYBE! T-Rex: But after a few months of living alone, I will never lose a day to someone else's second-hand illness EVER AGAIN! Heck, this must be why folks become hermits! For the BOUNDLESS PRODUCTIVITY!! Utahraptor: T-Rex, don't - T-Rex: Goodbye, society!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hello, society! Off panel: Hey buddy! T-Rex (punchline): I missed: meals

ghosts stay around because of unfinished business, and there's a lot of unfinished business in space

T-Rex: Getting to space is really expensive! You need to move our bodies PLUS the food to keep us alive up into orbit, and that's just to get to the bottom of space. T-Rex: It goes up for a really long way after that!! T-Rex: But nevertheless, we've DONE IT. We've travelled to the moon and back, proving that space travel is possible for us. But what if it were... easier? What if we didn't have to worry about food and water? What if we didn't have to worry about moving our bodies up there at all? Dromiceiomimus: You're talking about sending robots? T-Rex: No. BETTER. I'm talking about sending... GHOSTS. Utahraptor: Because ghosts don't weigh anything and don't need food! T-Rex: PRECISELY. T-Rex: It took us until the 60s to reach space, because of our mortal bodies and how we can't fly on our own. And given how there should be around 15 ghosts for every living person - AND I HAVE DEFINITELY NOT SEEN FIFTEEN GHOSTS - the only logical explanation is this: they are all ALREADY in space. Utahraptor: GASP Banner: Ghosts come out at night, and it's always night in space T-Rex: Don't @ me! Banner (punchline): Don't @ me

they're called "concealed shoes" and maybe they were for fertility? Or, MAYBE they were for any other motivation you can imagine!!

T-Rex: Sometimes when you knock down a wall in old European houses - dating from the 1300s and for several centuries after - you find an old shoe! T-Rex: AND NOBODY KNOWS WHY. T-Rex: Clearly they were put there intentionally, but their locations range: under the floor, in the roof, in chimneys, around doors, or even buried in the foundation! There's obviously a tradition of hiding a single shoe in a building - to ward off ghosts? To attract BETTER ghosts with the gift of used shoes? - but the once-widespread tradition died off without anyone recording WHY they did this, and now we just don't know. Utahraptor: Nobody wrote it down? T-Rex: Not in any book that survived! T-Rex: So all we have now are weird ancient surprise shoes that show up sometimes: a reminder that the past is a foreign country - and not only did they do things differently there, they did them for private, inscrutable reasons that are forever and completely beyond us. Utahraptor: Huh. T-Rex: Yeah. T-Rex: Anyway! It's Hallowe'en, and I'M off to carve a terrifying face into an orange gourd, start a small fire inside it, and leave it to rot outside my house for a few weeks, as is the tradition of my people. T-Rex (punchline): No, I will not be taking questions at this time.

so uh today in history a tree fell in the woods. write that down.

T-Rex: History's full of things that happened, and most of 'em happened on one day or another! Let's all get educated, as we explore... T-Rex: TODAY T-Rex: IN T-Rex: HISTORY Dromiceiomimus: What's today's fun historical fact, T-Rex? T-Rex: Well! On THIS day in history, a tree fell in a forest in the Carboniferous period, which began around 285 million years ago! And since trees evolved MILLIONS of years before any tree-eating bacteria did, when trees died and fell over, they just stayed there, lying intact for centuries and centuries! Utahraptor: This meant that a lot of carbon was taken out of the atmosphere and stored in these trees, yes? T-Rex: ABSOLUTELY. T-Rex: So much so, in fact, that it increased the proportion of oxygen in the atmosphere - 35%, compared to 21% it is today! And that higher oxygen content facilitated INSECT GIGANTISM, so if you're looking for an era in which trees don't decay and scorpions are as big as skateboards, may I recommend: HISTORY?? T-Rex: ...Later on, tree-eating bacteria evolved and oxygen levels dropped, so it was game over for the giant insects. Off panel: I will mourn them later. T-Rex (punchline): And I will mourn them not at all!!

DO NOT INVESTIGATE TODAY, OR YESTERDAY, OR - OR LET'S JUST SAY ALL DAYS

T-Rex: Everything that's ever happened, happened during history! Let's find out more about this alleged phenomena as we explore... T-Rex: TODAY T-Rex: IN T-Rex: HISTORY Dromiceiomimus: What's happened on today minus one or more years, T-Rex? T-Rex: Well! On this day in history, someone kissed their sweetie for the very first time! Dromiceiomimus: Aww! That's really nice. T-Rex: It really was! Utahraptor: History's full of nice little things like this, huh? T-Rex: That's why historians love it! T-Rex: And yes, on this day in history someone ELSEWHERE died HORRIBLY - possibly at the exact same time as the smooch - but we don't need to focus on that! We can focus on the nice things only, and make history as pretty as our very best selves! Utahraptor: Awww! ADORABLE. Narrator: AND SO: Off panel: What happened today in history, T-Rex? T-Rex: NOTHING Off panel: That doesn't sound ri- T-Rex (punchline): DO NOT INVESTIGATE FURTHER

columbus sailed the ocean blue owing me $14.92

T-Rex: When it comes to "things that have happened", most experts agree that a whole bunch of 'em probably happened in history times! Let's learn more about this as we research... T-Rex: TODAY T-Rex: IN T-Rex: HISTORY T-Rex: So today in history, I was in grade six and this guy borrowed a dollar from me and never paid it back. Dromiceiomimus: ...That's what happened today in history? T-Rex: THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED TODAY IN HISTORY, YES. I DID NOT FORGET. T-Rex: THE MAN'S NAME WAS "CHRIS 'THE TOT' TATER", WHICH I ALSO DID NOT FORGET. Utahraptor: Huh! Utahraptor: Seems like maybe you SHOULD forget this, since you're never going to collect and this debt is CLEARLY making you unhappy. T-Rex: I wish I COULD, Utahraptor! But I can't just CHOOSE to forget something. Trying to forget it only makes me memorize it more! Narrator: BUT THEN T-REX REALIZES IF HE IMAGINES IMPORTANT FACTS OWE HIM MONEY, HE'LL NEVER FORGET THEM, AND IT IS THE GREATEST LIFE HACK IN HISTORY! T-Rex: Why, of COURSE I have my social insurance number memorized! IT OWES ME $2.50. T-Rex (punchline): ...I'll find him

is "the gobblezone" the description of the buffet, or the name of the buffet? or is it... BOTH

T-Rex: When it comes to "the entire set of happenings", some speculate there are still things yet to happen in the future! Let's explore this crazy-yet-true theory as we take a look at... T-Rex: TODAY T-Rex: IN T-Rex: FUTURE HISTORY T-Rex: Today in a few years from now, I, T-REX, will eat to excess! I will say "oh wow my belly hurts" and "ow ow ow I ate too much" and "seriously you guys I think I'm going to explode, like, MEDICALLY EXPLODE". Dromiceiomimus: Sounds like you're still going to do it though. T-Rex: SURE WILL!! Utahraptor: So if you know it's bad, and you know there's still time to prevent it... T-Rex: ...then why don't I? T-Rex: Alas, we live in a world of all-you-can-eat-buffets, where AS A RATIONAL ECONOMIC ACTOR, it behooves me to eat all I can while in the physical confines of the gobblezone. Anything else and I'm wasting money! Utahraptor: That makes sense until you value NOT BEING IN PAIN, at which point it becomes MADNESS!! T-Rex: Oh, I value not being in pain! Just less than I value being able to eat until it hurts. Off panel: T-Rex - T-Rex (punchline): Welcome to the RATIONAL ZONE!! POPULATION: the approximate value of whatever a recent census indicates it is

SORRY TODAY'S TEENS, WE ALL THOUGHT BEEPY BOOP MUSIC RULED AND WE'RE TOO OLD TO CHANGE OUR MINDS NOW

T-Rex: My great-grandmother used to listen to music from when she was a kid, because it reminded her of how she felt back then! Any time an old-timey 20s song came on, she was all about it. T-Rex: Can't wait for that to happen to me! T-Rex: Only of course we spent OUR childhood not listening to classy songs from history but instead playing video games, so I hope kids today are ready to hear chiptunes blasting from the retirement homes! "OH SNAP, is that the SimAnt PC Theme from 1991?" the other seniors will say. "My bros, that song truly kicks." Utahraptor: It's not just retirement homes that'll have AdLibs blasting! T-Rex: Oh? Utahraptor: The whole GENRE of jukebox musicals is based on senior's musical nostalgia! As soon as we age into that demographic, I GUARANTEE there'll be one about Robert Prince facing trials and tribulations as he composes music for Commander Keen, Wolf3D, and Doom. T-Rex: GASP T-Rex: Is the best part of getting older lording your calcified music tastes over today's teens?? Off panel: T-Rex, let me say this: if $1000 of my estate goes towards the original Broadway cast of "Cosmo's Cosmic Adventure"... Off panel (punchline): ...then I WILL NOT HAVE DIED IN VAIN

sometimes it's fun to imagine ca-razy hypotheticals

T-Rex: Let's say, HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, that the world is in trouble. Big trouble! T-Rex: Because let's say... exponential use of fossil fuels is changing the environment! T-Rex: And if we don't do something, RIGHT NOW, then it could impact the long-term viability of this planet for our form of life! Dromiceiomimus: Oh no! Is there some sort of deadline in this scenario, one in which it'll be too late to arrest and reverse this change? T-Rex: YES! And this deadline is coming.... T-Rex: ...in 65 MILLION YEARS! Utahraptor: OH NO! Utahraptor: Well let's get to it! Let's remove structural incentives that make fossil fuels a viable option, and invest in research to remove extra carbon dioxide from the atmosphere! T-Rex: I agree! After all, we've got 65 million years - but it's NEVER too early to ensure our long-term viability! T-Rex: Hah! Can you imagine - again, speaking ENTIRELY HYPOTHETICALLY - if we left fixing this until we were only 12 YEARS from it being too late? Off panel: Oh man! Let's imagine that right now! T-Rex: ... T-Rex and Off panel (punchline): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

but that's simply a risk that I am willing (AND TERRIFIED, DUE TO HOW SPOOKY IT IS) to take

T-Rex: It's time for the spookiest night of the year... T-Rex: ...HALLOW-- Off panel: Hallowe'en was weeks ago, man. T-Rex: DROMICEIOMIMUS! You didn't let me finish. I'm talking about HALLOWE'EN II: SECRET HALLOWE'EN! See, on regular Hallowe'en everyone is EXPECTING to be scared, and that expectation absolutely reduces the terror! But during H2:SH the frights come out of nowhere!! Utahraptor: So there's no treats, just tricks? T-Rex: EXACTLY. You spook unprepared people!! Utahraptor: Feels like jumping out and harassing strangers is pretty indistinguishable from juvenile delinquency. T-Rex: "Pretty indistinguishable"?! Dude, it's clearly EXTREMELY distinguishable! For one, we're ADULTS jumping out of the bushes and scaring people!! T-Rex (punchline): It's like, legally it's a whole different set of statutes

i'm not saying i'm history's GREATEST hero, but I am saying that among the set of history's greatest heroes, I certainly am definitely 100% in there

T-Rex: New things cost more, and older things cost less. This is as true in video games as it is in... cars, and I dunno, any other mass produced item? T-Rex: So the question is, why are we buying NEW things? T-Rex: I would save SO MUCH MONEY if I only saw movies that were 10+ years old, drove an old car, etc. HOWEVER, I would also feel like a big loser if all my friends were like "DUDE HAVE YOU CONSUMED THE NEW POP CULTURE THING YET" and I was like "DUDE NO BUT I'M GOING TO IN 9.999 YEARS THOUGH" and they were like "DUDE OH NO WAY OH MAN OH NO, NO WAY". Utahraptor: So the solution is to start a utopian society that's always 10 years behind the times? T-Rex: Yes! Oddly, yes! T-Rex: If ALL of us are behind the times, then none of us are. And we'll save SO MUCH MONEY. Utahraptor: Figure someone could make bank by sneaking current-culture contraband IN, thereby creating something not dissimilar to the drug trade, which could destabilize and then destroy your society!! T-Rex: Dang man... you're right. Okay, you've talked me into it. I should definitely always spend $90 on the new video game I want. Off panel: T-Rex - T-Rex (punchline): FOR THE SAKE OF CIVILIZATION HERSELF

you know that quote about the public not knowing what they want until you show it to them? well uh YOU'RE WELCOME??

T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess and an equally beautiful frog. Whatever your standards of beauty were, these two exceeded them in every possible way. T-Rex: "That is one sexy frog and princess," people would say! "Yowza." T-Rex: "I don't know which is more attractive," people would go on to say, "though of course at the moment I'm only judging them by their physical traits, and if I am really to settle down with either a frog or a princess, I must ensure that we are romantically compatible! For there is more to life than beauty, and also, this has so far been entirely one-sided and I haven't spoken to either yet." Utahraptor: And so they'd chat? T-Rex: And so they'd chat! T-Rex: But the frog would only say "yo ho ho and shiver me timbers", which was weird, and the princess would only say "Ahoy there maties, every day is talk like a pirate day when you're me, yarrrr!", so that was weird too in a similar way, and it really didn't help them find suitors. T-Rex (punchline): A CONFESSION: I am making this story up as I go but I want to promise you at some point they'll end up in a poly relationship with The Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe, which will hint at a larger Fairy Tale Expanded Romantic Universe, so please stay with me

I'M - I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW

T-Rex: One day little Timmy got another wish from a genie. But we don't care about him anymore because his wish was that all social networks got turned into real live women! T-Rex: Hah hah! Timmy, what the heck are you doing?! T-Rex: In any case, it was a VERY exciting time. Twitter was a lunatic racist street corner harasser who sometimes said amazing things juuuuust often enough to keep you coming back! Facebook was a huge gossip who consistently lied about politics, took foreign money to influence domestic elections, AND smeared her critics as anti-Semitic! Also, she tracks everything you do and sells that information to the highest bidder. Utahraptor: God, Facebook's the worst. T-Rex: SHE REALLY IS. T-Rex: Formspring, Orkut, and Google Buzz were all skeletons (because those networks are dead) and Google+ was a rich but obscure old lady who was scheduled to die on August 31st of next year. Utahraptor: Poor Google+. T-Rex: She died as she lived: extremely unpopularly. Off panel (punchline): Well, one thing's for sure: I'M definitely never going to spend an average of 135 minutes a day hanging out with these awful people, perhaps via a dedicated app on my phone which lets me check in with them during every spare minute I havOH MY GOD

turns out i wouldn't actually like to see - gosh, a whole bunch of things

T-Rex: Okay! No more complaints! From now on I am going to be an EXTREMELY POSITIVE PERSON. T-Rex: Nothin' but good news from ol' T-Rex here! Narrator: AND SO: Dromiceiomimus: How'd you like the movie, T-Rex? T-Rex: It was... very well-projected! Dromiceiomimus: Ah, okay, so you hated it. T-Rex: Wait! I only said GOOD THINGS about it! Utahraptor: Yeah, but you're a "positive person" now! T-Rex: So? Utahraptor: So we all know anything SLIGHTLY less-positive from you is actually NEGATIVE, and only effusive praise is real. You've selfishly increased the semantic processing work EVERYONE has to do on what you say, just to make YOURSELF feel better. And I'd like to see you say something positive about THAT!! T-Rex: It's - um... it's always nice when people learn a new skill? Off panel (punchline): Wow I was wrong; I didn't like seeing that at all

her grandmother LOVED and WAS LOVED BY OTHERS, Utahraptor!!

T-Rex: Gather round, for I have something to share with you... T-Rex: ...the SPOOKIEST STORY EVER TOLD! T-Rex: Well - TECHNICALLY, all who hear the spookiest story enter into a state of insane catatonic terror, so I can't tell you it - I haven't heard it myself. And the second-spookiest story is almost as dangerous: knowing it, it's easy to see how a slight modification to a secondary character's motivation could turn it into the #1 spookiest story, so I can't tell you that either! Utahraptor: Can you tell me the third spookiest story? T-Rex: Again the answer is no! T-Rex: Even a novice writer could see how rearranging the order in which events are revealed in THAT story would easily maximize fright, and in doing so destroy their sanity. HOWEVER: when we get down to the 26,526,544th scariest story, things are pretty safe! Utahraptor: Okay! Proceed! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: ...That was just Little Red Riding Hood. T-Rex: Her grandmother DIED, Utahraptor!! T-Rex (punchline): GOSH

the only solution is to lie whenever anyone asks for your personal information. take it from me, bryan south

T-Rex: A friend's mother has fallen for one of those "call you up on the phone and trick you into handing over all your money" scams! T-Rex: And she's not alone! T-Rex: Unfortunately, a lot of seniors are just not used to a stranger overseas calling them up, lying to them, and trying to trick them into giving them money. Fortunately, we, the younger generation, are! We have spam folders FILLED with grifters from all over the world trying to steal from us. And only a FEW of us have given all our personal information and riches to weird princes who can't type good! Utahraptor: Yes, but those are the scams we're familiar with! T-Rex: What do you mean? Utahraptor: Who knows what futuristic mega scams will exist when WE'RE old? Their dizzying complexity may stymie even the savviest among us, leaving we elderlies at their mercy! I propose nothing less than a technological SINGULARITY of scamming, after which it is impossible to predict what happens next!! T-Rex: Aha! But this is the sort of problem that's EASILY avoided by becoming a weird recluse who lives in the woods. Off panel: Oh yeah, I forgot how that solves every problem with society. T-Rex and off panel (punchline): CAN'T WAIT

the thing that dr. seuss and dr. doom share is that they both gave themselves fake doctorates and the rest of the world just - went along with it

T-Rex: In my experience, people, perhaps my mom, often say "we can't afford that: money doesn't grow on trees! And we can't afford THAT either: money still doesn't grow on trees!" T-Rex: So quick question: T-Rex: Why aren't APPLES free? T-Rex: They grow on trees! THAT IS LITERALLY WHERE THEY COME FROM. So what's the deal? Shouldn't things that grow on trees be the least expensive it's possible for a thing to be?? Or have we - and I hesitate to even suggest this - been sharing aphorisms with each other that are not internally consistent? Dromiceiomimus: Apples are free, T-Rex, but only if you have an apple tree. And sadly, apple TREES don't grow on trees. T-Rex: But apple trees grow from seeds in the apples! And THOSE grow on trees. Utahraptor: True! Utahraptor: But the price of the apple includes not just the cost of the fruit, but the costs involved in moving it to you for purchase. And LABOUR doesn't grow on trees. Things that grow on trees are only free if you're stealing from the trees. T-Rex: Stealing from trees, you say... Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: I am the T-Rex! I steal from the trees! T-Rex (punchline): ...And in doing so I have saved upwards of FIFTY CENTS

T-Rex is saying "human level AI", because he knows that's the low-hanging fruit. Dinosaur level AI is the TRUE challenge. Ask any cognitive scientist who also thinks dinosaurs are rad

T-Rex: 60 years ago we thought we'd have flying cars. 40 years ago, we at least thought we'd have a human level AI. 20 years ago, we thought we'd be surfing the information superhighway in VR and accidentally downloading viruses into our brains. T-Rex: ALL WRONG! What if the future isn't predictable at all? T-Rex: What if the sum total of all activity on this planet is SO COMPLICATED and SO COMPLEX that it simply can't be measured, let alone predicted? What if, rather than marching into a bright tomorrow that we can all see on the horizon, we're instead stumbling towards a dark unknown, and any landmarks we THINK we see up ahead are wishful thinking at best and mirages at worst? Utahraptor: Well that's pretty bleak, T-Rex! T-Rex: It sure is! Utahraptor: And pretty defeatist. I can still predict what you'll do at the individual level, so the future isn't ENTIRELY unknown. T-Rex: Come on, I'm not THAT predictable! Utahraptor: Yes you are! T-Rex: No I'm not!! Off panel: T. Rex, this is me unfolding a piece of paper on which I've written the words "T-Rex is going to say 'no I'm not.'" T-Rex: Wow! T-Rex (punchline): My friend, you have narrated that action, which I can see perfectly but which would be invisible if things were framed just so, PERFECTLY

so THAT'S why skeletons are always grinning

T-Rex: Alright! Time for some SPRING CLEANING! God: IT'S ALMOST WINTER T-REX T-Rex: I got around to it EVENTUALLY, okay?? Editor: [NOTE: IN THIS PANEL T-REX IS SPRING CLEANING HIS HOUSE] Dromiceiomimus: So how's your spring cleaning going, T-Rex? T-Rex: HORRIBLE! I realized partway through that this task would never be completed, COULD never be completed, since as dust can be composed of dead skin cells, the price of my being alive is being a filthy, filthy boy. If I were a skeleton I wouldn't have to do ANY of this, because of a lack of both skin and sweat! Utahraptor: It is a fact that as long as skellies got into bed clean, they'd never have to change their sheets. T-Rex: RIGHT? T-Rex: This is me: I think "hmm I'll tidy up this closet", a clock wipe happens, and I'm there sincerely thinking "ALL THAT HAS SKIN IS DIRTY, AND ALL THAT HAS SKIN MUST CLEAN". I sound like a Lovecraftian nightmare! And yet, I can't stop thinking about how all that has skin must clean!! T-Rex (punchline): You'll be able to tell if a necromancer ever reanimates MY skeleton, because I'll be the one shouting "YOU SAY I DON'T HAVE TO CLEAN EVER AGAIN? REAL TALK MY BABE, JUST POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF THE FOOLS I NEED SLAY FOR THIS PRIVILEGE!!"

angola maldives, who had accidentally become really attractive, sighed attractively

T-Rex: Angola Maldives, my superspy character, had been tricked into entering a personality inversion machine! Now instead of being brash, suave, and seductive, he was quiet, retreating, and reserved! My superspy... T-Rex: ...had become superSHY! T-Rex: Of course, as a lot of spycraft doesn't rely on drinking martinis and seducing conventionally-attractive scientists who have the only copy of the satellite blueprints stored on a thumb drive that they keep on their bedside nightstand, Angola was still really good at his job. As a wallflower, he could blend into the background, observe what needed observing, and slip away unnoticed! Utahraptor: But did he still remember all his seduction techniques from before? T-Rex: Oh sure! Utahraptor: So he's a quiet successful person with a great job and incredibly varied life experience who - once you convince him to relax around you - reveals himself to be a supremely skilled and imaginative lover? T-Rex: I mean... I guess? Utahraptor: Sign me up, man. T-Rex: Utahraptor! You can't date my fictional characters!! Off panel: T-Rex, with the power of fan fiction, there is little you can do to stop me! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...Okay but listen you have to PROMISE that OUR friendship comes first

you may speak ill of the content of any kids today that you wish, but i will not brook any ill words against videos in which animals do something cute, nor those that have already been declared, by my generation, to be "america's funniest"

T-Rex: Everyone! I have some important news! Gather round, for I have a complaint about T-Rex: KIDS TODAY T-Rex: and it is as follows: they care too much about follower counts and being internet famous! They should be like when I was a kid and not worry about this stuff because it's not invented yet! They should not be monetizing their childhood, trying to go viral and tying their self-worth to whatever #engagement they get on their #content before they even graduate middle school!! Utahraptor: And yet! T-Rex: ...and yet? Utahraptor: And yet, internet fame means that IF you need to launch a crowdfunding campaign - perhaps for unexpected medical bills - you have a much greater chance of success. Not to mention corporations bend over backwards if you complain while famous. In many ways, internet fame is a real investment in their future! T-Rex: ...Utahraptor, sometimes I would like to complain about things without being proven wrong! Off panel: Ah. "Adults today", am I right? T-Rex: No, you are NOT right, for reasons which... T-Rex (punchline): ...for reasons which I am sure I will discover and dictate to you very soon

Waluigi and Forgettable 19th Century American President William Henry Harrison blinked. "One room?!" blustered Harrison. "Surely you can find another!" "Waugh," said Waluigi.

Narrator: HOW TO WRITE... T-Rex: Oh, easy! Writing is an ancient and noble calling, and it is a path which, while staid, can over the course of a lifetime devoted to the quiet study of words offer a deep and abiding satisfaction which - Narrator: ...EROTICA T-Rex: AW YES, HERE WE GO T-Rex: Okay! Writing erotica is in some sense easy because all you have to do is imagine "what would be pretty hot if it happened to me" and then write that down, but in another sense is really difficult because what if someone you know reads it? This is why you'll probably want to use a pen name. Dromiceiomimus: Should this pen name end in "Steele" or "Hardbody"? T-Rex: Almost certainly. Utahraptor: Okay, so I'm L. G. Beetie Hardbody III - now what? T-Rex: Now start eroticizing! Utahraptor: What about writers block? Or when I can't construct or maintain either mood OR a theme? WHAT ABOUT WHEN I'M CONSUMED WITH SELF-PITY, CONVINCED I'LL NEVER WRITE ANYTHING GOOD AGAIN AND NEVER HAD IN THE FIRST PLACE?? T-Rex: My friend, all these problems are solved in the same way... T-Rex: ...by having a scene in which there's only one room left at the hotel and so two characters have to share a bed! Off panel: ... Off panel (punchline): ...Damn, you're not wrong

okay okay this time what if he says "I TAKE IT BACK AND YOU RULE, WOW, HERE IS ALL MY MONEY, ALSO: RESPECT"

T-Rex: If you really want something, all you need to do is visualize it REALLY HARD, and maybe write it down a dozen times or so, and then it'll happen! THAT'S THE SECRET OF THE UNIVERSE!! T-Rex: Do not look at all into how or if this secret works; thanks in advance! Dromiceiomimus: What if someone ELSE visualizes the opposite of what I want? Does it just come down to who visualizes harder? T-Rex: Better safe than sorry! Don't just visualize GETTING what you want: imagine what happens days, years, decades afterwards. You should be building an entire alternate universe as alive and filled with characters as any fantasy epic! T-Rex: IT'S THE ONLY WAY Utahraptor: And if I don't do it? T-Rex: Then you won't get what you want, and get bad things instead! Utahraptor: Ah, so what you're REALLY saying is that anyone who has a bad thing happen to them deserves it, because THEY didn't visualize good things hard enough. They attracted their misfortune, and are therefore responsible for it. T-Rex: Um - Utahraptor: This is a monstrous philosophy based on greed and entitlement. Imaginary Utahraptor: I TAKE IT BACK AND YOU RULE Off panel: Are you imagining me saying "I take it back and you rule"?? T-Rex (punchline): UH... NOT HARD ENOUGH, EVIDENTLY??

damn girl, are you a lifetime of unwitting compromise and the baggage of expectations that were long ago lowered almost without conscious thought, because I feel like I've been carrying you around forever

T-Rex: I just saw a movie that was terrific! Really great! So great, in fact... T-Rex: ...that it's made all other movies RETROACTIVELY WORSE! T-Rex: Why do we have to wait for once every several years for something to be this spectacular?? Why CAN'T movies always be this good? I'm sure everyone involved in making movies WANTS them to be great because then they make more money and we have all agreed to pretend that in capitalism that's everyone's sole motivating factor, so why doesn't this happen more often?? Utahraptor: Different people have different tastes, so maybe that's it! T-Rex: I thought that too! T-Rex: But this movie is UNIVERSALLY LOVED, so that can't be it! And while I'm using "universally" in the "Earth only" sense, it wouldn't surprise me to realize it was being used in a more literal sense as well!! Utahraptor: I guess... making movies is hard, and it's rare for everything to go right?? Narrator: LATER, T-REX HAS A BITE OF A SANDWICH THAT IS OF SIMILAR CALIBER: T-Rex: Damn girl, my life keeps getting retroactively worse and I'm continually realizing that experiences I thought were great actually kinda sucked... T-Rex (punchline): ...and I'm LOVING IT

You may not believe me when tell you that one night I saw someone lumberjacking and we got to talking and he inducted me into his trade and made me into a genius about cutting down trees, but... I know what I saw

Off panel: T-Rex, help us cut down this tree! T-Rex: Of course! I'd be happy to lend my expertise. God: T-REX YOU HAVE ZERO TREE CUTTING EXPERTISE T-Rex: Quiet, you! T-Rex: Now, when it comes to cutting down a tree, the first thing you need to know is, how long is your saw? Different trees take different saws. That sounds reasonable so you can easily assume it's true. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex Dromiceiomimus: If you're talking to the folks behind me please address them directly rather than shouting over me T-Rex: The second thing to know is, what ARE trees? Webster's - Utahraptor: They're gone, man! T-Rex: THANK GOODNESS. I was in way over my head! It turns out that there are many things in this world we call "the world", and I don't know about most of 'em. Utahraptor: Well, at least you know THAT now! T-Rex: Yes! I've made personal progress today! Off panel: Also, you'll want to cut a notch on the falling side at about a 60 degree angle to about one fifth of the tree's diameter, and - T-Rex: Utahraptor, please! T-Rex (punchline): I've ALREADY made personal progress for today and you know I prefer to pace myself, THANKS

whenever anyone asked him what his resolution was, he'd slide the paper across the table. "i will not be entertaining questions at this time," he'd say.

T-Rex: One day Pete got a letter. A letter... T-Rex: ...from the FUTURE! T-Rex: And in it were all his New Year's Resolutions, listed by year. They started out at around age 6, and as near as he could tell, they were correct. They moved ahead, crossing the past few years, and stayed accurate: "lose 20 pounds", "start measuring my weight in metric", "lose 9.07 kilograms", etc. But they didn't stop there. They KEPT GOING. Utahraptor: He was able to read FUTURE resolutions? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Judging by "kill the Omichronians" and "get revenge for the Incident", things clearly went badly wrong in a decade or so, and soon the tenor of the resolutions became more apocalyptic: "find antibiotic stockpile", "save some/any sea life"... ending finally in "use temporal machinery to warn them all". Off panel: Oh wow! T-Rex (punchline): Yeah, Pete was like, "sweet now I don't have to worry about coming up with new resolutions ever again, THIS IS AMAZING"

therapists call it "obsessive thoughts", but floating batman head says it's fine

T-Rex: For the first time in 20 years, new work is entering the public domain! HAH HAH, SCREW YOU DISNEY, YOU LOSE!! THOUGH YOU MAY EASILY WIN IN FUTURE ROUNDS!! T-Rex: STILL, IT'S NICE TO HAVE THIS T-Rex: Anyway, now nobody can sue me for Felix the Cat (remember him?) or the silent and much less famous version of the Ten Commandments! FELIX THE CAT IN THE TEN COMMANDMENTS could happen, and there's not a force on heaven or Earth that could stop me! God: UH Utahraptor: You know I'm gonna be remixing some Virginia Woolf and L.M. Montgomery! T-Rex: This guy gets it! Utahraptor: But the most exciting news of all: if no laws are changed, BATMAN will enter the public domain in 2034! T-Rex: THAT'S ONLY 15 YEARS AWAY!! I COULD BE ALIVE FOR THAT! T-Rex: WE COULD ALL BE ALIVE FOR ROYALTY-FREE BATMAN Floating Batman head: T-Rex! In fifteen years you could write a story in which Superman invites me to a dance, but also accidentally invites Lois, and wears different outfits for each of us, so he's constantly having to run between us switching clothes! T-Rex: I KNOW, floating Batman head!! T-Rex (punchline): I think about it ALL THE TIME

IN LIFE I WAS PRETTY CHILL BUT IN DEATH I'M GONNA BE THIS WHOLE THING, I'M GONNA BE THIS WHOLE COMPLICATED THING WHERE EACH INCONVENIENCE ONLY BEGETS FURTHER INCONVENIENCES, I'M GONNA BE THIS WHOLE FRACTALLY INCONVENIENT THING

T-Rex: Everyone is excited about new books and movies and songs entering the public domain, and now there is a new thing to get excited about too! T-Rex: When I die, I hereby bequeath my BODY to the public domain!! Dromiceiomimus: So, like, does that mean we can all do whatever we want with your image? We can have pictures of T-Rex saying "I endorse this event or product"? T-Rex: What? No, not like that. I'm not bequeathing my IMAGE to the public domain! I'm merely bequeathing my BODY. Utahraptor: So anyone can do whatever we want with your... bod? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Want to rig me up like a puppet show? Go for it! Want to hide my body dressed in construction clothes inside the walls of your house as an elaborate prank for future generations? I am ALREADY on record as being in favour of this! Utahraptor: There's not enough body! We'll quickly run out! T-Rex: Hmm... this sounds like an issue that the LIVING will have to deal with, as I will be dead, and beyond the reach of all mortal "logistics". Off panel: T-Rex - T-Rex (punchline): CAN'T WAIT

okay okay okay, i hereby confess... that someone else i know is a jerk

God: HEY T-REX I'M MIXING THINGS UP AND RUNNING CONFESSION God: IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST TO ME T-Rex: Oh boy! Is there ever! T-Rex: Where do I even begin?! T-Rex: I suppose it starts with the writing of the 1897 play, Cyrano de Bergerac, an early entry in the genre of "guy who thinks he's ugly tells guy he thinks is hot how to get the woman, but secretly "ugly" guy and the woman are the better couple". Cyrano has a big ol' nose, so that's why he thinks nobody could love him! Utahraptor: But in the end he accepts his body and they fall in love? T-Rex: Yeah, sure. T-Rex: But check this: at one point in the 1987 movie with Steve Martin, Cyrano tries to put his head in his hands, and is surprised when his big nose gets in the way. But this goof is INSANE! STEVE MARTIN IN AN UNFAMILIAR MOVIE NOSE MIGHT DO THAT - BUT CYRANO WOULD'VE BEEN WAY FAMILIAR WITH HIS OWN FACE SINCE CHILDHOOD!! T-Rex: The movie came out decades ago and I'm still going to die mad about it. God: OF ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE EVER DONE God: THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO CONFESS T-Rex (punchline): God, it feels good just to TALK about it

the philosopher in question was George Berkeley and he is mostly remembered for arguing that an apple doesn't exist unless you're thinking about it, which is a nice way to say that he's mostly remembered for being WRONG. later on they named a university after him

T-Rex: If a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound? T-Rex: Answer: T-Rex: YES, COME ON, HOW ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS?? Dromiceiomimus: Aha, but if you define sound as "a pressure wave moving through matter that interacts with the ear", then it doesn't make a sound, because sound doesn't become sound until somebody hears it! T-Rex: Listen, this little rhetorical trick might have worked in the 1800s, you know, BEFORE WE HAD RECORDED SOUND, but not anymore. Microphones exist! Sound files exist. Sound exists even when nobody is there to hear it! Utahraptor: But can you truly call a recording "sound"? Surely it's just data with the potential for sound, when played back appropriately. T-Rex: OH MY GOD T-Rex: The 1700s philosopher who asked this did not intend for us to argue about "potential sound". He wanted us to question whether the world exists when we're not looking at it, BUT WE ALL KNOW THAT IT DOES, because none of us live in the 1700s anymore where this question could make everyone say "whoa dude" as it blew their minds!! T-Rex: ...Though of course since it was the 1700s, instead of "whoa dude" they'd say "alack and forsooth, my brethren"! Off panel: All history more than three weeks old kinda collapses into a single moment for you, doesn't it? T-Rex (punchline): Forsooth, my brethren

i will say this about being online: so many people have truly committed to their bits

T-Rex: One of the greatest things you can have in this life is self-knowledge, and I have realized something very important about myself. I am fully and completely incapable of believing that anyone truly thinks the Earth is flat! T-Rex: SORRY, BUT I HAVE TO BELIEVE Y'ALL ARE FAKING!! T-Rex: And yes, I know you can find tons of people online who argue that the Earth is flat, but CONSIDER THIS: maybe they're trolling? Dromiceiomimus: All of them? Without exception? T-Rex: Rationally I know that sounds insane, but in my heart of hearts I know: they all gotta be trolling, right? THEY HAVE TO BE. T-Rex: And if they're not, then everything I've long believed about our innate decency is WRONG! Utahraptor: High stakes! T-Rex: MAYBE, but I truly cannot accept that a rational person could SINCERELY BELIEVE the Earth is flat. This flat Earth thing just HAS to be some weird performative Andy Kaufman stuff, and one day all the Flat Earthers will admit they were all just HAVIN' A LAUGH and DOIN' A BIT. Off panel: T-Rex, I have a Flat Earther here who says he's doing it sincerely! T-Rex: It's an unconscious bit! Off panel: He says he's sincere! T-Rex (punchline): Alas, that's precisely what someone who has unconsciously dedicated their entire life to doing a bit would say

Okay, my NEW inspirational story is about a guy writing a story nobody likes, but then all Gods from all religions show up and say that it was the best ever, and everyone has to be say things like "dang we were all so wrong". it's really inspirational to me

T-Rex: Something that really resonates in stories is hope and inspiration: we want to see heroes winning, good triumphing over evil. We want to see a better world! So good news, cats and kittens! T-Rex: I'VE written the most inspirational story ever!! T-Rex: It's about a world in which everything is bad, and then this one lady shows up and fixes everything! Immediately! It's barely an inconvenience for her! Dromiceiomimus: Does she encounter any, you know... obstacles? T-Rex: NOPE! Everything she does works out instantly and perfectly. Wow! I know when I think of her I get inspired!! Utahraptor: If she doesn't face obstacles, then it's hard to relate! T-Rex: Ah, so tone DOWN the inspiration? T-Rex: Okay, now everything she tries fails and then she dies! GOTTA SAY, NOT VERY INSPIRED RIGHT NOW. Utahraptor: There's a middle ground, man! Where effort is challenged but she ultimately succeeds in SOME ways, but not EVERY way? T-Rex: What, we'll only relate if successes are MITIGATED?? Off panel: ...I mean - yeah, I guess. T-Rex: Hah! WOW, that's the greatest condemnation of reality I've ever heard. Off panel: Oh, I've got more of them! Off panel (punchline): I've got SO MANY MORE OF THEM

this is known as a Boltzmann brain. it's named by Mr. Boltzmann, the first earthbound human brain to suggest it, and by Dark Lord K'Xakon Boltzmann, the first eternal cosmos brain to suggest it

T-Rex: So in our universe atoms - unless they have been cooled to absolute zero, the coldest temperature it is possible to be - are always moving. T-Rex: And space itself is warmer than absolute zero! T-Rex: And therefore, in space, atoms are always moving - including interstellar gases and everything else. And since they're moving, that means there's always a chance they could move - and stick - together in different arrangements. And these arrangements necessarily include... A PERFECT COPY OF A BRAIN. T-Rex: A self-aware and intelligent mind could RANDOMLY FORM somewhere in space! That's INSANE! Utahraptor: Sure! Utahraptor: But it's also super unlikely. The quantum fluctuations would take longer than our universe's life! T-Rex: Aha, but they're RANDOM, so all you're describing are the ODDS. And that means the odds of a PERFECT SPACE BABY DUPLICATE OF ME will never be zero!! Narrator: MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE UNIVERSE: T-Rex: And that means the odds of a PERFECT EARTH BABY DUPLICATE OF ME will never be zero! Off panel: I suppose you're right... ZABTHRAX 3000, THE DEVOURER OF MINDS!! T-Rex (punchline): Yes I am well aware of my own name and title, thanks

this thought experiment is known as the "china brain"! is this name due to historical racisms?? let's build a giant brain and possibly create life to find out!!

T-Rex: Okay, new theory: there are about 86 billion neurons in a human brain. As a dinosaur, I'm using human brains here for their relative simplicity! T-Rex: Uh, you're welcome?? T-Rex: Now imagine a larger planet, one capable of supporting 86 billion of us on it. What happens if each of us perfectly emulate a neuron? What happens if each of us is given a two-way radio to communicate with those around us, according to all the restrictions and abilities and inputs and outputs actual neurons have?? Utahraptor: You're trying to simulate a human brain? T-Rex: I'M TRYING TO SIMULATE A HUMAN BRAIN. T-Rex: Because I submit to you that the resulting mind WOULD have intelligence, desires, self-awareness: all the great features we attribute to humans. We could create a giant human brain, and ALL WE NEED TO ACCOMPLISH IT ARE THE PEOPLE. Off panel: In other words, every time you straights have reproductive sex, you're taking a tiny step towards the greatest science experiment of all time? T-Rex: My friend: T-Rex (punchline): HOTT

followup question: why did this museum invest so heavily in neon green paint

T-Rex: Ah yes, time to visit the island nation of Japan! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I am now in the island nation of Japan! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: And now I'm back in North America. Guess what I brought back with me, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I'm guessing... Chorioactis, a rare mushroom found only in certain areas of Japan? T-Rex: That, my friend, is an extremely specific, extremely unlikely, and extremely ACCURATE guess!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Now we're in Texas, at the same latitude as Japan!! Utahraptor: We sure are! T-Rex: There's therefore a chance these mushrooms will grow here too. Utahraptor: If they do, it'd TOTALLY prank any future life when they inexplicably find the same species growing on opposite sides of the world, and nowhere else! Narrator: 65 MILLION YEARS LATER: Off panel: Genetic testing shows these mushrooms have been separated for 11 million years MINIMUM, but we have no way to explain how that happened. Off panel: Why are we at a dinosaur museum? Off panel (punchline): Unrelated reasons

still no excusing racist teens tho

T-Rex: One day, instead of instantly churning out the hot takes, everyone did the opposite! They posted the coldest take possible, which was as follows... T-Rex: "I don't know enough about the subject to give an informed response." T-Rex: Social media, fueled by the otherwise intrinsic good that comes from debating with anonymous strangers with no shared presumption of good faith, collapsed! Even when someone somewhere on the planet posted something CLEARLY stupid, people responded only with a profession of the limitations of their own knowledge! Utahraptor: What about experts? T-Rex: What about them? T-Rex: They more than anyone knew the limitations of their knowledge, knew that the more you understood a subject the more you realized all the areas that you DIDN'T command. All that remained was a respectful search for knowledge, spurred by innate desire to understand not just each other... but ourselves too. Off panel: All this sounds SUSPICIOUSLY utopic. T-Rex (punchline): Yeah there's probably a downside I'm not seeing, but I don't know enough about the subject to give an informed response

didn't work on you? I'm not surprised, since we all know you were REALLY thinking of... 3, BANANA, and RED!! ...no? well, alternate universe you totally was, we're done here

T-Rex: Pick a number between one and ten! T-Rex: Got it? Good! T-Rex: Now pick a favourite fruit. Got the number and the fruit? Great, we're almost done. Now, let's finish this up by making one more choice at random: a colour! Got the number, fruit, and colour? You're thinking of them right now, right? Dromiceiomimus: Yep! T-Rex: Great, because here comes the magic! Your choices are... T-Rex: ...7, apple, and green! Utahraptor: Nope! T-Rex: Sure, it didn't work out for YOU, but there's a parallel universe in which someone hearing my words DID randomly choose those things, and right now it's BLOWING THEIR MIND. Utahraptor: Unless they stuck around to hear you describing how you did the trick just by playing the odds, in which case, again, no. T-Rex: Ah, but you see, there's also a parallel universe in which they stopped listening to me just before I said that. Off panel: Oh. T-Rex (punchline): I tell you, bud: there's a universe out there in which things are turning out PRET-TY SWEET for ol' T-Rex

this feels like a personal masterpiece

T-Rex: Video games are better than they used to be! This is an inarguable fact. And if you ARE stupid enough to attempt to argue it, then I have the following to say to you, fool!! T-Rex: I'm sorry but I respectfully disagree, fool!! T-Rex: But the exciting thing about this, besides the video games themselves, is that this is a new art form - only a few decades old! We're still INVENTING what video games are and how awesome they can be. It's not like old and crusty art forms like NOVELS, where we all know what their limitations are. Utahraptor: Novels are only a few hundred years old! T-Rex: Whoah, really? Utahraptor: Yeah man. It's right there in the name: "novel", meaning new. And unlike VIDEO GAMES, novels take place in your head, where they're completely unrestrained by what kind of graphics card you have. Why, any one of us can picture the most beautiful horse ever, thanks to imagination! T-Rex: [tries to imagine a horse and fails] T-Rex (punchline): This feels like a personal attack.

when it comes to problems, call me crazy, but *i* prefer them fixed

T-Rex: There are several problems in the world! So here's an idea, everyone... T-Rex: ...how about you FIX the problems, huh?? T-Rex: See, SOME people see a problem and don't even think to demand that it be fixed. Not me! Guess I'm just not like other people. Guess I'm just a bit better. Dromiceiomimus: You have any ideas on how precisely to FIX these problems, or...? T-Rex: An important part of civilization is SPECIALIZATION. I have specialized in pointing out problems, others must specialize in solving them! Utahraptor: ...Huh! T-Rex: Yes! "Impressed 'huh'"! Utahraptor: Well I'VE specialized in solving the problems, and have accordingly determined that the issue is everyone thinks problems are for OTHERS to solve, and so don't themselves contribute to a solution! T-Rex: ... Off panel: T-Rex, you can't just ignore me and leave!! T-Rex: That's so weird, Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): My years of experience and specialization are SCREAMING otherwise

with the biggest questions solved, t-rex is free to turn his attention to other pressing matters, such as why it is allegedly impossible to eat just one of a particular brand of potato chip

T-Rex: For millennia, we have all struggled with one question: T-Rex: Why do bad things happen to good people?? T-Rex: But I'VE several RELATED questions, including but not limited to: "why do bad things happen to medium people?", "if good things only happened to good people could we use that as a substitute for a justice system", and "regardless of the previous question's answer, do we believe on some level that bad things should and DO happen to bad people, thereby reducing our empathy for those who have bad things happen to them through no fault of their own?" Utahraptor: These are pretty heady questions! T-Rex: And I am very smart to ask them, yes! Utahraptor: Anyway, the answers to all your questions are "because the universe is random", "because the universe is random", "yes, although it would also prove that free will doesn't exist", and "some definitely do believe that, in what I hope is an unexamined way". T-Rex: Oh. T-Rex (punchline): ...That was easy

no foolin': there was like, a puddle.

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes, who really should know better by now, was investigating a crime done by his arch-nemesis, Professor Moriarty! T-Rex: Only this time, Moriarty had left RIDDLES behind for him to solve! T-Rex: "Wow it's like he really wants to get caught," Sherlock said, "as he's now purposely leaving clues. This makes things easier for me." Dromiceiomimus: Then Sherlock caught up with him easily? T-Rex: He sure did! Utahraptor: And then they fought? T-Rex: They sure did!! Utahraptor: And it was such an awesome battle?? T-Rex: Oh, no, not hardly. These are two people who spend most of their time imagining and/or solving crimes, not blasting quads or mixing martial arts!! The fight was two flabby guys slapping each other; it wasn't pretty. T-Rex: Later on they were both red and sweaty, and the real cops were like, man, at least we go through basic training. Off panel: Dang T-Rex (punchline): They were SO SWEATY, Utahraptor!!

looking forward to it, everyone arrange your lives such that they all tend towards maximum perfection on this date and I will see you there!!

T-Rex: We live in a world where things are constantly changing! You go asleep for eight hours and you wake up and there's a whole new 10 minutes of news to listen to! T-Rex: Who can keep up, I might ask?? T-Rex: Not I! Therefore, I suggest we all chill out and stop everything from changing for a while. And it won't even be that hard! Just don't create any new friendships, end any old ones, or participate in events or actions that could have a lasting influence on the world. DONE. Utahraptor: But the butterfly effect means we're always changing the world! T-Rex: Right. Forgot about that. Utahraptor: Plus, change is good so long as the world is bad, because it can lead to better things! So I am pro-change unless and until the world becomes perfect, at which point I am anti-change, because then you're changing it away from perfection. T-Rex: LOVE IT. Narrator: LATER, THE WORLD BECOMES BRIEFLY PERFECT FOR A FEW SECONDS ON MARCH 22ND 2025: T-Rex: NOBODY T-Rex: MOVE T-Rex: A T-Rex (punchline): MUSCLE

popular AND mysterious, the most impossible and alluring combination

T-Rex: It's Do A Nice Thing For Utahraptor Day! T-Rex: My favourite holiday!! T-Rex: What's the nice thing you've got planned to do for Utahraptor, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Already sorted: I'm taking him out to dinner tonight! T-Rex: Oh dang, that's what I was thinking of doing!! T-Rex: Dang dang dang DANG dang! Utahraptor: What's up, buddy? T-Rex: Oh, my plan for DANTFU was to take you out to dinner, but Dromiceiomimus already called that. Utahraptor: Pfft, let's all go out together! More friends, and I don't want this stupid national holiday to make you feel bad!! T-Rex: NATIONAL?? Narrator: LATER, ON THE WAY TO DINNER: T-Rex (punchline): Wow I guess Utahraptor's pretty popular, huh

but i want all the answers nowwwwwwwwwwwwwww

T-Rex: There was a time, not so long ago, when we didn't know what bats were. T-Rex: Are they hairy birds? Birdy hares? WE JUST DIDN'T KNOW. T-Rex: But now we've invented internet encyclopedias and so now if you want to know what a bat is, you just look it up! They're mammals, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: Yep. Knew that. T-Rex: It's all too EASY! Where is the MYSTERY in the world?? T-Rex: Wikipedia knows everything! But we weren't meant to know EVERYTHING! Utahraptor: And... we don't? Utahraptor: Dude, look, here's Wikipedia's list of unsolved problems in chemistry, philosophy, physics, AND medicine. You want mystery, there's your mystery. THIS is my challenge to you, my friend. T-Rex: You're on!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Well! T-Rex (punchline): These are clearly just WAY too hard

in this story, instead of crying wolf, the boy cries an endless litany of racial epithets and conspiracy theories, and the villagers become very glad that he spends most of his time in the sheep fields far away from them

T-Rex: Sometimes you read a story, and it's a cautionary tale! The whole point of the story is to tell you "don't do this, because here's a story where someone did that, and it worked out real bad for them." T-Rex: And yet, we keep making mistakes! T-Rex: And that suggests we're not producing SPECIFIC enough cautionary tales! Instead of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" (moral: don't lie, because people won't believe you when you tell the truth, or alternative moral: tell better lies), we should have produced something more specific, like "The Boy Who Created A Social Network That Was So Broken And So Bad For Humanity As A Whole That It Incited A Genocide In Myanmar But That Same Boy Didn't Care To Fix It". Utahraptor: That story could have saved us a lot of trouble! T-Rex: RIGHT?? T-Rex: But with computers, we could have that! We could create an algorithm to expand general cautionary tales into thousands if not millions of SPECIFIC cautionary tales, thereby warning us of every possible threat that we might overlook if they were genericized! Utahraptor: Let's do it!! Narrator: LATER, T-REX'S ALGORITHM, TRAINED ON INTERNET DATA, BEGINS PRODUCING INSANELY RACIST CAUTIONARY TALES: T-Rex: I recognize the irony in wishing I'd been warned about this danger!! T-Rex (punchline): And yet, that doesn't stop me from wishing I'd been warned about this specific danger??

ha ha woo

T-Rex: Okay! Let's see what's on the ol' to-do list today. Do laundry: check! Groceries: check! Confront reality of my own mortality... NO CHECK?? T-Rex: Oh dang, I knew I was forgetting something! T-Rex: Okay, Dromiceiomimus! Let's ponder over the fact that one day we'll be gone, and the world will continue on without us just the same! Dromiceiomimus: Love to, but I'm way ahead of you, buddy. Knocked that one out in the shower at 6am this morning. T-Rex: Utahraptor, are you free to confront death? Utahraptor: Sorry dude! Utahraptor: I already felt all the feelings I'm GOING to feel over the fact that one day I'll die, and one day after that someone will think about me for the very last time. Did it over my eggs benny. T-Rex: Is my window closed? Will I NEVER feel all-consuming regret for my mistakes made over my all too finite life? Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING, 3AM: T-Rex (punchline): Oh wait nevermind there it is

as these are dinosaurs speaking, this is officially and canonically the first time anyone said "bullshit". you're welcome. ps sorry for saying "bullshit"

T-Rex: Sometimes two or more people, even with the best of intentions, can misunderstand each other! This is a failure of communication. T-Rex: More specifically, this is a failure of LANGUAGE. T-Rex: And despite our best efforts, NOBODY has created a language in which it's impossible to be misunderstood! Therefore, we must face the possibility that this isn't a flaw in INDIVIDUAL languages, but rather with the idea of language itself. Translating ideas into words is just too lossy! T-Rex: So instead, I propose the ONLY real solution to this problem: TELEPATHY. Utahraptor: Oh boy! Utahraptor: Can't wait for the LAST PLACE ON EARTH where I can have real privacy and can't be monitored to be shared publicly!! T-Rex: No, see - Utahraptor: CAN'T WAIT FOR ADS AND OTHER PEOPLE'S BULLSHIT THOUGHTS TO INTRUDE ON MY OWN WHENEVER THEY WANT T-Rex: Utahraptor!! T-Rex (punchline): Our best scientists believe that bulls won't evolve for millions of years; I must ask that you PLEASE refrain from talking about their hypothetical poops

okay so let's talk about "us's" there in the third panel. I know that with an apostrophe it reads like a contraction, "us is", but the alternatives, "uses", is a series of letters already claimed to mean "the activities a thing can be used for", and "uss" reads like it belongs in front of "enterprise", all of which introduce even more ambiguity. my conclusion: this is a fatal flaw in English and we should all start over

T-Rex: Civilization has produced some great things, but you know what else it has produced? T-Rex: Some not so great things!! T-Rex: Thing is, you don't get us-induced climate change without millions of us's producing carbon dioxide on planetary scale, and you don't get that without civilization!! Check and mate! Dromiceiomimus: You're against civilization now? T-Rex: I'm flirting with the idea, Dromiceiomimus! I'm making eyes at it across a crowded bar!! Utahraptor: You love civilization! T-Rex: PROVE IT. Utahraptor: Easy. The resources required for a spa (hot and cold pools, clean water and machinery, not to mention the electricity required for all of those PLUS speakers playing relaxing music) are cost prohibitive without a large group of people to support them, hence: civilization. T-Rex: FINE: CIVILIZATION IS GOOD, ACTUALLY. T-Rex (punchline): But it is only my unironic love of silently getting wet and hot then wet and cold then room temperature and dry that makes me say this??

that millionth-and-one time, though: APOLOGY CITY

T-Rex: Let's say you want to be famous. You can look at the life of a famous person - no matter how you decided to define fame - for guidance! T-Rex: Wow! Things sure worked out well for them, huh?? T-Rex: But there's an element of chance in ANY life, so before you decide that a given famous person is good to emulate, learn from, or even listen to, you need to do some TESTS. After all, they could be idiots who just got lucky! Dromiceiomimus: How can you test this though? T-Rex: You re-run their life again, tweak some variables, and see if they still end up famous! T-Rex: This generates a PERCENTAGE fame rate: how often they end up on top! Utahraptor: And you compare across people? Utahraptor: Well, T-Rex, I see no flaws in your idea except that it literally requires time travel to work. T-Rex: Not necessarily! It'll also work as soon as we can simulate our entire planet in a computer with 100% accuracy. Off panel: And you'll use this incredible WORLD-CHANGING technology... just to have tangible proof that celebs you don't like are secretly lucky idiots. T-Rex: My friend! T-Rex (punchline): Run my life a million times and I will STILL never apologize for this!!

there's always a chance the cyborgs are really good and have learned to pass, right? don't let ANYONE tell you there isn't that possibility

T-Rex: It's the future! Drones with their loud rotor blades have been replaced by quieter and more naturalistic flapping wings. T-Rex: And those wings have been installed on incredibly birdlike robot bodies! T-Rex: These robot birds, eyes and ears in the sky for anyone who can afford them, are indistinguishable from actual birds unless at very close distance. And as birds are already known for perching and staring at us, the out of doors becomes... A SURVEILLANCE STATE. You never know if or when you're being watched! T-Rex: Nobody can go outside for fear of being observed! Crime plummets, but so does freedom! Utahraptor: T-Rex, wait! Utahraptor: The outdoors is ALREADY under surveillance from satellites, and people still commit Outdoor Crime. No robot birds required. T-Rex: Oh. We're already in my futuristic surveillance world? Utahraptor: I mean... at least partially? T-Rex: You know, I always consoled myself with the thought that if we ended up in a sinister future, we'd at least get some kick-ass robots out of it, or at least the occasional cyborg. Off panel: We all did, T-Rex. Off panel: *sigh* Off panel (punchline): We all did

what was the big mistake? well t-rex tried to cook for a friend and messed up both dishes but the friend insisted that the food was fine and stopped t-rex from ordering any food in to replace it, but then t-rex still kept apologizing, which made the friend, who did honestly think the food was fine, feel uncomfortable. GEEZ.

T-Rex: Friends! I made a mistake yesterday! T-Rex: It was a big one, friends!! T-Rex: And yes, while I feel bad when I think about it, I also feel good, because it wasn't the BIGGEST mistake I've ever made. Could've been worse! And even if it were, it'd be nowhere near the biggest mistake ANYONE'S ever made! I simply don't have that kind of power to screw up that badly!! Utahraptor: And that's good? T-Rex: That's absolutely good! T-Rex: When I look at all my little screwups and imagine how bad they'd be if ACTUAL LIVES hung in the balance - I can't help but say "phew, I'm glad our leaders are more responsible than I am"! Utahraptor: But what if I told you EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES AND MORE POWER JUST MAKES YOUR MISTAKES MORE POWERFUL?? T-Rex: Then I'd say that's both terrifying AND suggests that our leaders don't have any special competency above the rest of us, which would be the last of my childhood illusions disappearing! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Noooooooooooooo

T-REX DID YOU KNOW THAT IN HEAVEN LEVEL THREE OF BATTLETOADS IS ACTUALLY NOT INSANELY IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAT / YEP / JUST ONE OF THE MANY BENEFITS OF GOING TO HEAVEN IMO

T-Rex: It is a fact that we don't know everything and probably never will! Therefore, part of being alive is agreeing on what we believe to be real. T-Rex: This is called the "consensus reality!" T-Rex: Among our consensuses are things we believe but can't objectively prove, like "murders are bad so don't do any, not even if you'd really like to" and "cannibalism is bad too but maybe you can do it sometimes if things are SUPER crazy, but definitely wait at least a little bit before you start digging in." It's a SOCIALLY-CONSTRUCTED reality!! Utahraptor: Yeah, but there's never just one consensus! T-Rex: There's not? Utahraptor: In a religious society everyone's living in a very different reality than an atheist one, but both are agreed to be real by members of those societies. So there's no one consensus reality, but by changing your beliefs, you CAN move between them! T-Rex: That's great, because in MY reality, I can hear God, but lately he's big into 90s nostalgia and so mostly just talks about that. God: HEY T-REX DO YOU REMEMBER BATTLETOADS T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): I am open to trading up

this theory is already paying off in spades, which, according to aphorisms, i am led to believe are somehow VERY desirable

T-Rex: Attention, world. I have a new theory! A theory... T-Rex: ...of mind?? T-Rex: That is to say, I now theorize that OTHER people have similar minds to myself, and LIKE ME, they have feelings and desires - even those that may be different from my own! This theory allows me to predict how others might react to things. Dromiceiomimus: Wait - this theory is NEW for you? Dromiceiomimus: You've never supposed that other people might be conscious like you are before NOW?? Utahraptor: What the hell, man?? Kids figure this out by AGE FOUR. T-Rex: Okay, okay, everyone calm down! T-Rex: My theory of your particular minds did NOT suggest you'd be mad at me for this. Rather, it hypothesized that you'd all be happy for me and then buy me a cake, sooo - Utahraptor: Under no circumstances am I buying you a cake just for speculating that I might have AGENCY, T-Rex. Narrator: LATER, T-REX BUYS HIS FRIENDS AN APOLOGY CAKE INSTEAD: Off panel: Thank you, T-Rex. This makes us feel slightly better about you. T-Rex: [thinks] Heh heh heh T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] JUST AS I SUSPECTED

there's nothing in the rules that says erotic fiction can't win a nobel prize for -- wait, i'm getting word that there IS something in the rules about that, quite specifically actually. okay, well, there's nothing in the rules that says I have to FOLLOW the rul-- wait. okay, well, the thing is, i PROMISE it's gonna be way more fun my way

T-Rex: Antonio Tony, my adult fiction character, and Amelia, my other one, were engaging in some activities that, if you saw them rendered in fiction, would make you gasp and say "oh my, oh heck, oh heckin' heck, how adult!!" T-Rex: That's just CLASSIC Antonio Tony and Amelia for you right there!! T-Rex: "This sex we're having" - for indeed, they were having sex - "is extremely erotic, especially if one imagines it described to an imagined third party", Amelia said. "Yes", said Antonio Tony - and here he turned towards the camera - "and perhaps one day our bravest and most descriptive authors will make the attempt." Utahraptor: Breaking the fourth wall kinda takes me out of the story! T-Rex: I haven't broken it! T-Rex: The camera I mentioned was merely the one they were filming their sex-having with! Utahraptor: Okay, FLIRTING with breaking the fourth wall kinda takes me out of the story. T-Rex: THERE IS NOBODY NAMED "Breaking D. Forthwall" IN THIS STORY, FLIRTED OR NOT, SO I DON'T KNO-- T-Rex: --oh my god, I absolutely have to introduce someone named Breaking D. Forthwall. THANK YOU, UTAHRAPTOR! You've saved my story! Off panel: No, don't- T-Rex (punchline): Don't worry! I will ABSOLUTELY remember you when they give me the Nobel Prize for Adult Literature: Character Naming Division!

yes, i know what you're thinking, so let me answer you right now: it's real, it's spectacular, it's in B-flat major, and it's sadly not as well known as the rest of the Mozart canon(s).

T-Rex: If we look at popular music, there's a lot of songs about love! Even outside our culture, this idea of "what should I sing about oh wait I'ma sing about my feelings, that definitely interests other people" stands relatively strong! T-Rex: NICE. T-Rex: This implies that love songs may be a cultural universal - wherever you find US, you'll find songs of love. And that, in turn, says something about us! It suggests, for example, that we are far too polite to ask someone to stop once they've started a song about how great their girlfriend is or was or will be if the creepy singer can ever stop crying at the sight of her skin. Utahraptor: I mean, there's also a lot of songs about butts. T-Rex: Come on. Not that much! Utahraptor: "Baby Got Back" (1992, 2005, 2013, arguably 2014), "Shake Your Rump", "Booty", "2 Much Booty (In da Pants)", "Tush", "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk", "Bubble Butt", "Big Ole Butt", "Back Dat Ass Up", "Fat Bottomed Girls", "Rumpshaker", Mozart's "Lick Me in the Arse", AND THAT IS JUST OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. Off panel: Therefore, by YOUR reasoning, singing about butts is also a cultural universal and our butt obsession is the one thing that unites us all on this lonely planet. T-Rex: ...Huh! T-Rex (punchline): Honestly, I actually don't see a problem here??

*sigh* damn i could really use some money, guess i'll start that overnight success world famous pianist career now

T-Rex: Today is a sad day, my friends. For today is the day we mourn the loss of the one thing we thought could never die: AN IDEA. T-Rex: Specifically, my idea of the prodigy! T-Rex: I had since childhood assumed that it was possible I could be innately great at something yet unknown, and this door was always open to me because I haven't yet tried everything! But prodigies don't begin life as EXPERTS in things. Even if you're prodigal at computers, you're better than most, but you still need to LEARN about them: nobody sits down in front of their first machine and is an expert programmer! T-Rex: It's a misunderstanding that I'd carried with me since childhood, and today it dies! Utahraptor: Wait, what? Utahraptor: You're sad because you've FINALLY realized that if you want to be great at something, you're going to have to work at it?? T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: I know it sounds ridiculous, Utahraptor, but the heart wants what it wants! T-Rex (punchline): Specifically, mine wants to be HELLA LAZY but also with the ability to become INSTANTLY RICH AND RESPECTED

and they delivered it VERY quickly, moving so fast as to be invisible

T-Rex: One day Sam read that we only use 15% of our brain! That's not a real fact, Sam! We use all of our brains! T-Rex: But Sam couldn't hear me! T-Rex: And she was hard at work trying to unlock the full potential of her brain! T-Rex: Amazingly, she SUCCEEDED. While she couldn't ADD brain power, she could learn to CONTROL it better. And Sam, unlike everyone on Earth who had been born before her, now had FULL CONSCIOUS CONTROL of her entire body! NOTHING happened with her body without her willing it to be so! She was, at last, fully in control of her brain AND her self. Utahraptor: Oh wow! What'd she do? T-Rex: Oh, she died. She's super dead. T-Rex: She was so frantically focused on making sure that her heart beat that she forgot to deconstrict some blood vessels feeding her brain, which pushed her into unconsciousness, at which point every single system in her body instantly stopped, because she wasn't awake to tell it to keep working, the end. Banner: The only reason you're alive is that your body doesn't actually let you control it T-Rex (punchline): Oh, hey! The banner I bought advertising the moral of my story just arrived!

see if you drink too much your eyes get blurry and you can't read what's on your screens, so

T-Rex: You wouldn't give a child unrestricted access to the internet! It would quite clearly DESTROY THEIR BRAIN. And yet... T-Rex: ...it occurs to me that the internet is where I spend most of MY time?? T-Rex: So there's a problem here. If the internet is so dangerous to happiness, security, and basic personality development, why am I spending so much time there? And if it IS good, actually, then why do I recoil from the idea of a kid browsing it however they want?? Why do I know in my bones that internet destroys the child?? Utahraptor: Man, we do the exact same thing with all sorts of things! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: You're not allowed to drink booze when you're a kid, but when you're an adult you can drink all you want. We just want to ensure that you're RESPONSIBLE before you have unrestricted access to a thing that can be extremely harmful, but IN MODERATION can be at least a little fun. T-Rex: My phone, which I feel naked without, is the first thing I look at in the morning and the last thing at night. I'm connected 24/7 and have not used the internet in moderation for almost two decades. Off panel: True! Off panel (punchline): But guess who's not drinking to excess!!

once i'm rich i promise to apologize for a lot of things that result in me continuing to be rich

T-Rex: By investing my money in comic books, I ensure that several years from now, I'll have lots of money when my comic books increase in value! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Somehow - SOMEHOW - my comic books failed to increase in value?? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Ah - things don't become valuable because they're old, they become valuable because they're old and RARE. So if I want my comics to TRULY increase in value, I have to make sure everyone ELSE throws away their copies!! Only then will I taste INVESTMENT SUCCESS. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Nobody wants to throw away their comic books! Utahraptor: Yeah, they're fun to read! T-Rex: Aha: THAT'S my problem: people are ALREADY hooked on them! But... if I could ensure that nobody buys them in the first place, then MY copies would automatically be rare! TO TRULY EXPRESS MY LOVE FOR COMICS... I MUST DESTROY THEM?? Utahraptor: I'm not sure if that's - Narrator: LATER, T-REX SPENDS ALL HIS TIME YELLING TO EVERYONE THAT THE ENTIRE MEDIUM OF COMICS IS GARBAGE: T-Rex: I know, I know!! I'm sorry! CAPITALISM IS MAKING ME DO THIS T-Rex (punchline): Once I'm rich I PROMISE to mention somewhere how much I regret this!!

i'm not a weirdo sex maniac, i'm an extremely regular and NORMAL sex maniac thank YOU very much

T-Rex: Can (heterosexual) men and (heterosexual) women TRULY be friends without sex getting in the way? T-Rex: Yep! Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, it's no big deal. T-Rex: What kind of weirdo sex maniacs are incapable of maintaining a friendship just because there's the POSSIBILITY of sex?? Dromiceiomimus: BESIDES the people that claim straight men and women can't be friends, you mean?? Utahraptor: Yeah, you can be friends with someone with a gender you like. T-Rex: It's easy! IT'S SO EASY. T-Rex: Anyway, I'M just glad we got this sorted out, and then nobody ever has to worry about this ever again. Utahraptor: Yep! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: My favourite movie is When Harry Met Sally. T-Rex: Hello! Do you accept unsolicited opinions?? Off panel: I do not. T-Rex: Fair enough! T-Rex (punchline): ...But what about unsolicited opinions ABOUT your opinions??

*sigh* WHY ARE WE SHOUTING

T-Rex: Okay, yes, I admit it. It was I. Oh, it was I! T-Rex: It was I who was the fool this April!! Dromiceiomimus: What prank did you fall for, T-Rex? T-Rex: Oh, people don't do PRANKS anymore, Dromiceiomimus! PLEASE. They just say things that aren't true, and then if you believe them, then they decide that they got you good. And that was me! I was CREDULOUS. I believed every single thing folks told me! Utahraptor: What was it like? T-Rex: It was WONDERFUL, Utahraptor! T-Rex: For one day I lived in a world where crazy things were real and the most ridiculous events took place. You know what it's like to come back from that to our REAL world, where crazy things are real but not in a good way, and the most ridiculous events are always taking place, but again, not in a good way? Off panel: Depressing? T-Rex: APRIL FOOL'S!! IT WAS GREAT! T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): IT WAS GREAT JUST TO LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE FOR A BIT

I would also like to announce my retirement from ever being wrong! Can't wait, don't know why I didn't think of this sooner, except maybe for that thinking I couldn't retire from being wrong must've been my very last instance of ever being wrong

T-Rex: Attention world! I have an announcement to make! Today marks my retirement... T-Rex: ...from FINANCIAL FUTURES TRADING!! Dromiceiomimus: I didn't know you did any financial trading. T-Rex: I don't! Not anymore! Dromiceiomimus: Okay, I didn't know you'd STARTED doing financial trading. T-Rex: Oh, I haven't! And I've decided I never will. Hence my big retirement! Utahraptor: So we're to celebrate you - never doing a thing? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Think of it as a celebration of me deliberately looking at my future, taking out a big red pen, and crossing out the parts I don't like. I'm choosing the course of my life! Utahraptor: Or, in a much sadder reading, you're finally giving up hope on a life and career you now know will never happen. Off panel: I guess it all depends on your opinion about forward contracts in commodity markets! Has widespread hedging of this class of financial instruments TRULY been a net good for society? T-Rex: Hello! T-Rex (punchline): I would ALSO like to announce my retirement from this conversation

i just can't get over how he's a gorilla but he still wears a hat, don't judge me, i assure you i've already judged myself PLENTY

T-Rex: Let's say on a given matter there are a variety of opinions - correct and incorrect. T-Rex: However, given the nature of correctness, there can only be a SINGLE correct opinion! T-Rex: Therefore, since every opinion that is not the correct opinion must be incorrect, it follows that the overwhelming majority of opinions you encounter will be - MUST BE - incorrect! And given that conclusion, how can we trust anyone or anything - even ourselves! - when we know most of what we say and believe must MATHEMATICALLY be wrong?? Utahraptor: Except that opinions can be partially correct, exploding this entire theory! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: If it's 10 degrees out and I think it's 11 and you think it's -10000, we're both wrong, but my opinion has more merit. Some opinions are more correct than others, which means they can't all be dismissed en masse. Sorry dude. I know you were looking for a shortcut to reasoning here. T-Rex: INCORRECT, my friend!! I was ACTUALLY looking for a way to feel better about all the incorrect opinions I hold, such as for example that the Ghostbusters cartoon with the gorilla is the best one! Off panel: Dear God. T-Rex (punchline): I KNOW, I KNOW, I CAN'T HELP IT??

birdo and f.l.u.d.d. otp, share if u agree

T-Rex: Let's say that there are a variety of universes - real and simulated. T-Rex: However, given the nature of reality, there can only be a SINGLE real universe! T-Rex: Therefore, since everyone in a simulated universe must believe they're in the single real universe for the simulation to have any value, it follows that the overwhelming odds must be that OUR universe is a simulation! After all, what are the odds that WE'D be in the one real reality?? And given that conclusion, how can we trust anyone or anything - even ourselves! - to be real?? Utahraptor: You can't, really! T-Rex: ...Wait, what? Utahraptor: If you accept your premises as true, then the conclusion follows. Though I'd argue that it doesn't really matter, since our universe is "real" in each way that matters - except maybe one, which we can't even test for. Should Mario NOT save the princess, even if he realizes he's in a video game? T-Rex: That's true. Mario SHOULD absolutely save the princess! Off panel: Thank you. T-Rex: But also, Waluigi should get to save Wario. Off panel: Absolutely. T-Rex: And also Birdo and F.L.U.D.D. Off panel (punchline): Yes, no-one has ever disagreed with this sentiment

this comic is based on my dad doing that "counting down" trick with my dog Chompsky, and how much my dad did NOT enjoy it when i bounced it back to him :0

T-Rex: Imagine having a dog that's 8 years old! And then someone asks how old your dog is! And you say "eight"! T-Rex: AND THEN THEY SAY "OH SO ABOUT FOUR YEARS LEFT THEN"!! T-Rex: You don't get to start counting DOWN, everyone! When I live to be a hundred, you don't get to say "oh, just twenty years left then"! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, you don't actually think that the average lifespan of dinosaurs is a hundred and twenty, do you? T-Rex: ...It's not? Utahraptor: It's definitely not. It's actually well below 100 years. T-Rex: AHHHH! Utahraptor: T-Rex, calm down! Take a breath! T-Rex: AHHHH I JUST LOST DECADES FROM MY LIFE, AHHHHHHH Utahraptor: T-Rex! T-Rex: AHHH MY MIDLIFE CRISIS SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED YEARS AGO AND NOW IT'S OVERDUE AND IS HITTING ME ALL AT ONCE T-Rex: AHHHHHH IT'S MY UNDERSTANDING THAT I NOW NEED TO BUY A SPORTS CAR AND GET BIG INTO SEX T-Rex: I HAD PLANS TO ONLY DRIVE A REGULAR CAR AND BE THE REGULAR AMOUNT INTO SEX T-Rex (punchline): NOOOOOOOO

remix utahraptor is MORE than willing to get jiggy with ANY amount of it

T-Rex: Sometimes a thing you love comes to an end! And rather than being sad, it's better to accept that all things have endings... T-Rex: ...and be happy for the time you shared! Dromiceiomimus: Pfft, are you kidding me? NOTHING comes to an end anymore. It just gets rebooted for a new generation! T-Rex: Oh, I wasn't thinking of like, movies and TV shows. I was thinking more like, a friendship ending or - Dromiceiomimus: REBOOT THE FRIENDSHIP WITH A NEW CAST!! Utahraptor: Ooh, and a darker and edgier aesthetic! T-Rex: I don't want to "reboot" any friendships!! T-Rex: If a friendship ends, I want a new friendship! I don't want a remix of the old one, with things I already know played back to me in a winky "remember this" sort of way! Give me something NEW, something VITAL, something that challenges me in a way I've NEVER been challenged before!! Off panel: Uh-huh. And what would you say if I said I have a clone identical in every way EXCEPT he has an eyepatch, a goatee, and a devil-may-care attitude with the smile to match?? T-Rex (punchline): UTAHRAPTOR ARE YOU JOKING BECAUSE I TAKE IT ALL BACK AND I WANT TO BEFRIEND REMIX UTAHRAPTOR

all great literature has within it at least the POSSIBILITY that a robot might show up at some point

T-Rex: One day there was a book where, if you read it, you became 5% kinder! T-Rex: And of course, once people read this book, they were kind enough to share it with their friends! T-Rex: Kindness swept across the world at the speed of reading! Before long, it became clear what was happening, and some people began isolating themselves from the book, preferring to protect their "unaltered personality" from whatever it was in the book that was changing people. These enclaves soon became aggressive in protecting themselves, running raids to destroy the book and its supporters. Utahraptor: What is this a metaphor for? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: I thought all good literature was a metaphor. What's this story actually about? T-Rex: Oh. I don't write on that level. I write on the level of "wouldn't it be cool if this happened", and then, I imagine that and write it down. T-Rex: In other words, all good literature may be a metaphor, but all GREAT literature is imagining what if a bunch of cool things happened! Off panel: Hmm... I've never heard that before. T-Rex (punchline): Yeah well all great literature is original too, so

i regret to inform you that i feel really confident about all these predictions

Narrator: PICKUP LINES FOR 2020 T-Rex: Girl is your body the news? Because it is unbelievable! T-Rex: And such that if I described it to someone a decade ago they would not believe me!! T-Rex: Girl are you democracies around the world, because when I look at you I can feel my foundations crumbling?? Dromiceiomimus: Girl are you the gig economy, because I feel like you'd start out all fun and flirty before making my life and the lives of my friends measurably worse?? Utahraptor: These aren't very good pickup lines. T-Rex: I know, I know, I'm working on it! T-Rex: Girl are you YouTube, because - Utahraptor: - because I'll like AND subscribe! DONE. T-Rex: - because you'll be fun until you start queuing up alt-right conspiracy videos after everything I watch. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Girl are you Facebook, because you keep getting caught going through my phone without permission to find out who I've been talking to?? Off panel: No, I'm not Facebook, T-Rex. Off panel (punchline): Though I *am* doing that thing you said; no regrets

wow TOM way to hog all the fame and talent TOM, hey tom HANKS for nothing

T-Rex: This one scientist estimated that we can only manage about 150 stable relationships at the same time! Any more than that and we lose the plot. Or so claims Mr. Dunbar, who came up with this and called it "Dunbar's Number", because of course he did! T-Rex: But I, T-Rex, have my own number to add to this! T-Rex: If we can only keep track of 150 people in relationships with people who know us, there must also similarly be a ceiling on the number of ONE-WAY relationships: T-Rex's number! It's the number of CELEBRITIES that we can keep track of. Like Dunbar, I estimate that number is also around oh let's say 150! T-Rex: And this implies an actionable result! Utahraptor: Which is? T-Rex: Which IS, if the average person can only care about 150 celebs, if YOU want to become famous, it's a VIABLE STRATEGY to engineer the disgrace of another EXISTING celebrity. This frees open a slot in people's minds you can take! Utahraptor: T-Rex, don't - T-Rex: TOO LATE! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: So in summary, Thomas Jeffrey Hanks, all I'm asking is that if you ever decide to retire, instead you do something bad and then tell everyone to follow ME instead! Off panel: No. T-Rex (punchline): TOM YOU'VE BEEN FAMOUS FOR DECADES, COME ON, BE COOL

spent some time wondering if a giant t-rex would refer to a sea monster as "giant" and decided that these sea monsters are just REALLY big

T-Rex: So we live on a planet that is mostly water. T-Rex: And the oceans that most of this water is stored in are mostly unexplored! T-Rex: And that means that YES, while we have exhaustively searched for monsters and wonderful beasts on land and found none of them that we had not already caused to go extinct, THERE IS STILL HOPE IN THE SEAS. There is a non-zero chance that sea monsters are REAL, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: I mean, if they're giant, you'd think we'd have spotted them by now. T-Rex: Not if they live at the very bottom! Utahraptor: True... but then they'd be adapted for high-pressure life and couldn't be brought to the surface without dying and gooping all over the place. So either way, we're safe. T-Rex: I'm not into them because they're a threat! I'm into them because UNDERWATER DRAGONS MIGHT LIVE ON EARTH. T-Rex: And also I could befriend one and give it a pressure suit so it could live on the surface and I could ride him around having adventures! Off panel: T-Rex - T-Rex (punchline): NON-ZERO CHANCE, UTAHRAPTOR, YOU WILL NOT TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME

comics on the internet sometimes have hidden text too, like this, which if you're reading we really should've hidden better

T-Rex: Every comic is someone's first comic! So with that in mind, perhaps you'll give me a moment of your time to pitch you on... T-Rex: ...COMICS AS A MEDIUM! T-Rex: Okay, hopefully you've been reading left to right and top to bottom and arrived here. What you need to know is that comics are great and each panel represents a single moment in time that the artist has chosen to highlight. Dromiceiomimus: Only they're not really "moments" at all! T-Rex: That's true - THIS panel lasts a long time because we're saying a lot! Utahraptor: And Utahraptor: that one lasted a short time because there was only one word in it. However, word-FREE panels can have an indefinite, timeless quality to them. T-Rex: Can you demonstrate? Utahraptor: No. It's embarrassing. T-Rex: Come on man, it's easy! You just stand still and don't say anything, like T-Rex: this! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...FRIG

i take it back i take it back THEY ALL DO, I PROMISE THEY ALL DO

T-Rex: Every comic involving dinosaurs is someone's first comic involving dinosaurs! So with that in mind, perhaps you'll give me a moment of your time to pitch you on... T-Rex: ...DINOSAUR COMICS AS A MEDIUM! T-Rex: So basically, they're just comics, BUT: they have DINOSAURS in them. Dromiceiomimus: This seems amazing. T-Rex: Right? The advantage comics has over film is that it costs as much time and money to have something boring show up as it does to have a dinosaur appear, so you can have dinosaurs in your comics EFFECTIVELY FOR FREE. Utahraptor: Does every comic have dinosaurs? T-Rex: Sadly: no. T-Rex: Some artists insist on drawing much less interesting things, like humans and feelings. Others draw only slightly-less-interesting things, like aliens and spaceships. In these cases, usually the spaceships RESEMBLE dinosaurs, which makes sense. Utahraptor: Indeed. T-Rex (punchline): Also not all dinosaur comics end in a joke but a lot of them do

yes and if it also lets me think of what i should've said in the moment it happened, rather than the next morning in the shower or perhaps while later descending a staircase, i'll take twenty million of them

T-Rex: I am on the record as being an EXTREMELY cool guy who is extremely NOT cool with the fact that his mind is something physical! T-Rex: Destroy the brain... and you destroy ME! T-Rex: But I don't really have any alternatives! Even if I could upload my brain to a computer, you know how often computers fail? Pretty often! Dromiceiomimus: What about uploading it to the cloud? T-Rex: That's just a bunch of strange computers that now I'm renting instead of owning!! Utahraptor: Yeah, but it can incorporate multiple redundant backups. T-Rex: Even if it works, it still sucks! T-Rex: Both meat and silicon can still be altered at the hardware level. I like to think I have some ineffable self, but I don't! Anything I am can be TRIVIALLY changed by altering the machinery it runs on. And that's why I'll NEVER go in for any recreational mind altering substances or surgeries! Narrator: BUT THEN: Off panel: This chip stops you from remembering every stupid thing you've ever said, but only from 3am to 7am, so you'll never lie in bed thinking about what an idiot you are ever again. T-Rex: Excuse me, ma'am? T-Rex (punchline): SIGN ME THE HECK UUUUUUUP

i once knew a woman who shook her head when she heard stories like this, smh

T-Rex: I once knew a woman named Edna who lived for a very long time. T-Rex: Too long, in her estimation! T-Rex: As her old friends died, one by one, she'd tell me that life had lost its verve for her. "I've lived for too long, too long," she'd say, and she'd laugh, but it wasn't a real laugh. With her friends gone, she started filling the days with hobbies she could do alone: watching TV, putting together puzzles, that sort of thing. T-Rex: But there was one activity that she NEVER took up: reading. That's because my friend Edna... was ILLITERATE. Utahraptor: What! T-Rex: Yep! She hadn't read once in her whole life - and as she got older, it became a point of pride: she damn well wasn't about to start now. But when she did finally pass, she had engraved on her tombstone the four letters that summed up her whole existence. Utahraptor: Which were? T-Rex: "Here lies Edna: tl;dr"! Off panel: Oh god, none of this was real you just wanted to show off your weird acronym pun?? T-Rex (punchline): SHE LIVED TOO LONG AND DIDN'T READ, I REGRET NOTHING

Another King Kong, the real one, sighed as he threw yet another biography over the edge of the Empire State building. "Even the large print editions of these books are far too small for my giant hands," he muttered.

T-Rex: One day Marty McFly - a character that I do NOT have the rights to use - bumped into none other than King Kong, who is another character that I don't own but I'm still making him say and do whatever I want!! T-Rex: "Great Scott!" King Kong said, correctly! T-Rex: Marty McFly - who was the version of the character from just before the first movie and who, I hasten to remind you, I have not legally acquired any rights to use - replied that he had only heard "Great Scott" used by his friend Doc Brown - another character that society decided that if I write about him it's a crime but I'm still gonna - and inquired if King Kong had met him. Utahraptor: You're really going in on how illegal your story is, yeah? T-Rex: It makes me AND my story cooler! Utahraptor: It's just - literary theft isn't THAT cool a crime. But check it: plagiarism doesn't exist for REAL LIFE, so if you find someone who lived an awesome life and just copy them, nobody can hold you responsible. And then you'll be rad for REAL! T-Rex: Oh snap! I CAN PLAGIARIZE REALITY AND GET AWAY WITH IT?? Narrator: BUT SOON: T-Rex (punchline): Oh snap! UTAHRAPTOR JUST TRICKED ME INTO READING A BUNCH OF BIOGRAPHIES AND TRYING TO LEARN LESSONS I CAN APPLY TO MY OWN LIFE IN ORDER TO PRACTICE SELF-IMPROVEMENT??

you might think the cutting the ropes would merely drop the hostages INTO the vats of acid, but no, batman was so good that he was actually cutting the ropes that held the vat of acid beneath the hostages. it is a truth universally acknowledged that the more complicated you make your death traps, the more ropes there will be for one to throw batarangs at

T-Rex: Batman, who we can all agree is the #1 all time best bat-themed hero at the VERY least, sighed. ANOTHER crime was happening in his city? T-Rex: DESPITE all his efforts to stop them?? T-Rex: He was getting frustrated. He punched criminals, and crime kept happening. He deduced crimes, and crime kept happening. He threw themed -arangs at ropes to save hostages from giant vats of acid, and crime kept happening!! What was he to do? How could he, finally and at last, free his beloved Gotham City from crime?? Utahraptor: His only hope is to somehow change our very nature, which is impossible! T-Rex: Wait, what? Utahraptor: There's never been a city without theft, assault, murder, and every other crime you can think of. The problem isn't civilization, T-Rex. It's US. We are fundamentally incompatible with innate goodness. T-Rex: WHOAH! That's dark, man! Even darker than Batman, and he's the darkest superhero!! T-Rex: Batman disagreed we were incapable of innate goodness, and proved it by punching bad people until they did good. THE END. Off panel: That sounds like merely using animalistic threats of violence to induce compliance in a terrified - T-Rex (punchline): THE END!!

"at least now there's the potential to live life as a dog," thought jack. "phew."

T-Rex: One day Jack died and was reincarnated... as a new baby! T-Rex: "Oh sweet I guess death isn't the end," thought Jack. T-Rex: "Oh weird hold on a second, if people are reincarnated where do new people come from, which are required as our planet's population has been growing for hundreds of years?" thought Jack. Dromiceiomimus: "Maybe animal souls can get 'promoted' to dinosaur souls," thought Jack. Utahraptor: "But hold on, that still doesn't solve it because no way the number of living things on Earth has been static," thought Jack. T-Rex: "And if we're giving souls to things like bacteria, are we also giving them to viruses, which are really just infectious agents of other cells, but still have DNA?" thought Jack. Utahraptor: "Or plants? This is getting very complicated." T-Rex: Then Jack forgot everything about that AND his past life - until 80 years later when he died and was reincarnated again, at which point he remembered it all once more. T-Rex (punchline): "Oh dang, figuring this out is going to take a while," thought Jack.

Goosie the Goosy Goose was about 5m long and weighed almost 500 kilograms, with a curved sickle claw on each of her feet that made her well-suited to stabbing, maiming, and tearing flesh from bone

T-Rex: "Goosie the Goosy Goose" T-Rex: Goosie was the goosiest goose who ever lived! T-Rex: That is to say, any trait that applied to geese applied to her most of all. She was the most goose it was possible to be. Dromiceiomimus: So if geese are loud, Goosie was the loudest? T-Rex: Exactly! Utahraptor: And if geese are intelligent, Goosie was the intelligentest? T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: And if geese have an average egg length of 8.3cm, Goosie's eggs were EVEN BIGGER?? T-Rex: Uh - I guess so? Utahraptor: And if geese weigh 7 kg, Goosie was an even greater mass of muscle and beak?? T-Rex: Y-Yes? Off panel: Well! Goosie sounds less like a goose and more like a UTAHRAPTOR to me. Which IS, arguably, the greatest instantiation of the idea of "goose"?? T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): You're not wrong

take a picture, it'll last longer and also make me feel flattered and happy that you asked

T-Rex: Imagine getting up in the morning, looking at a single object as soon as you get out of bed, and then CONTINUING to glance at that same object throughout the day. T-Rex: You're a pretty big fan of that object, huh?? T-Rex: And, as if you somehow HAVEN'T gotten enough of this object, you'll also absentmindedly touch it several times a day, sometimes several times an hour! And you show it to others, and they look at it too, and then you go home to bed and wash the object, carefully and lovingly, so you can do the same thing tomorrow. Utahraptor: We're talking about faces? T-Rex: We are talking about faces, Utahraptor! T-Rex: Our own face has to be one of the things we're MOST familiar with in the whole universe! Utahraptor: Not really! You only see yours in a mirror but I see yours ALL THE TIME. So if ANYONE'S an expert on your face, it's your family and friends, not you! Off panel: And AS that expert, I hereby declare your face: SUPER COOL AND GOOD. T-Rex: HOT DAMN! T-Rex (punchline): Take that, any moments of doubt I will ever have about my own beauty moving forward!!

I can't believe I spent YEARS cultivating these rad opinions, and for WHAT

T-Rex: Everyone likes a compliment! T-Rex: ESPECIALLY ME. T-Rex: So if you wanted me to feel nice, I would gladly receive one such compliment now! T-Rex: ...Any time now, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: Ah, but if I did it on demand, the sincerity of my words could be in doubt! Therefore, it's a greater compliment if I DON'T compliment you now, but wait until I am spontaneously moved to do so. T-Rex: I... guess that's its own form of compliment? Because she respects me too much for flattery? Utahraptor: Exactly! T-Rex: But it'd still be REAL NICE to hear that I'm hot and smart with all the correct opinions! Utahraptor: Well, you won't hear it from me! Your desire for it means I can't sincerely tell you ANYTHING nice. But when you do get one down the road, it'll mean so much more!! Narrator: SEVERAL YEARS LATER: Off panel: Hey T-Rex, good work on your opinions lately. I feel they're all correct. T-Rex: FINALLY T-Rex: GOD T-Rex (punchline): IT HARDLY SEEMS WORTH IT

WHY does EVERYONE in these STORIES keep setting up DRAMATIC TWISTS IN THE THIRD ACT

T-Rex: I had a really great weekend! And I just want to share: T-Rex: Hooray for really great weekends! T-Rex: In fact, hooray for really great anythings, am I right? Dromiceiomimus: Hooray for really great anythings! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Wooooo! Utahraptor: So: hooray for really great breakups? T-Rex: Hey, if they gotta happen, they might as well be great! Utahraptor: And hooray for really great DEATHS? T-Rex: Everyone's gotta go sometime; might as well do it with grace and style! Utahraptor: And hooray for really great ASTEROID IMPACTS CAUSING CATASTROPHIC CLIMATE CHANGE?? T-Rex: Hey, here's a question!! T-Rex (punchline): WHY does EVERYONE keep FORESHADOWING that

Later on, as Angola battled the kidnappers, he kept explaining their own country to them.

T-Rex: Angola Maldives, my superspy character who was definitely named by me looking at a map and ACTUALLY that makes him even BETTER than he would be if he was named something boring like "James", gasped! T-Rex: The prince of Monaco had been kidnapped! T-Rex: "I did not know Monaco was a monarchy!" said Angola, "Though I suppose the clues WERE there in the name all along." He began to prepare himself for his mission, gathering his guns, trick suitcases, and Wikipedia articles about Monaco to read on the plane. "Did you know that Monaco is the second-smallest country in the world, and 30% of its population is millionaires?" he said to the woman beside him on the plane. Utahraptor: "I'm just trying to sleep", she replied. T-Rex: "That's ok," said Maldives. T-Rex: "It's actually grown its landmass by 20% by filling in the ocean", Maldives said. Utahraptor: "I feel like you ignored the part where I'm trying to sleep," she said. T-Rex: "There's no geographic distinction between the state and city of Monaco", Maldives read, elbowing her. T-Rex: ANGOLA MALDIVES WILL RETURN... Off panel: Hooray! T-Rex: ...IN THE SEAT NEXT TO YOU, THE NEXT TIME YOU JUST WANT TO SLEEP ON PUBLIC TRANSIT!! Off panel (punchline): Aw boo

space is the place where you will probably die... but plus side it'll probably be AWESOME

T-Rex: Space! It's the place where there's stars and no air and where there's lot of planets! Narrator: LET'S LEARN ABOUT SPACE Dromiceiomimus: I wouldn't say there's "lots" of planets. The thing most people don't get about space is how huge it is, and how empty that makes it. There's lots of nothing, and everything else is a rounding error. T-Rex: Okay. T-Rex: Space! It's the place where there's stars and no air and barely any planets! Utahraptor: And even fewer of those are planets we could live on. T-Rex: God, FINE. T-Rex: SPACE IS THE PLACE WITH STARS AND NO AIR AND ONLY A FEW PLANETS THAT COULD EVER BE ANYTHING BUT INSTANT DEATHTRAPS. Happy? Utahraptor: Naw. Utahraptor: Whenever I think about how inhospitable the universe is to us I just get deeply sad. T-Rex (punchline): Thank you all for learning about space with me

every time i wake up i say "phew, it was all a dream!" solely for the benefit of any entities who might've been watching my dream and who therefore might be confused as to whether or not that thing they just saw was a dream or not. i recommend you all do the same

T-Rex: Hi, I'm a computers guy! I'm terrible at coming up with names that aren't horrible! T-Rex: I think something as rad as "bionic implants" should be called "wetware"! T-Rex: I thought a game controller should be called a "joy stick", a visual user interface should be an acronym pronounced "gooey", and instead of wanting an audience for my website I want "eyeballs"! I WANT TO ATTRACT EYEBALLS. T-Rex: EVERYONE AROUND ME WANTS TO ATTRACT EYEBALLS. T-Rex: WE ALL THINK THIS IS NORMAL. Utahraptor: Hey, you've infected MY vocabulary now too! T-Rex: OH NO Utahraptor: Yep! I don't watch videos: I consume content. And I don't make videos: I produce content! And when I screw up in my videos I tearfully say that I only ever wanted to provide my fans with the best content I could. I USE IT SO SINCERELY, T-REX. PUT "CONTENT PRODUCER" ON MY GRAVESTONE. Narrator: SUDDENLY, T-REX WAKES UP! T-Rex: PHEW! It was all a dream! Off panel: And yet, "content" still reframes creative work as a fungible asset whose sole purpose is to fill a corporate container!! T-Rex: Nooooooooooo T-Rex (punchline): Also, were you watching me sleeeeeeeep

THE ONES THAT WENT EXTINCT BEFORE DOING ANYTHING ARE JUST THE ONES THAT WERE NOT PARTICULARLY GREAT AT BIDING

T-Rex: Here's how to give someone a gift: just give them it! DONE. It's nice to be nice! PROBLEM SOLVED. God: UH NO WAY T-REX IT'S MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT T-Rex: Explain! God: WELL FIRST THERE'S TIMES FOR GIFTS AND TIMES FOR NOT GIVING GIFTS AND IF YOU CHOOSE POORLY IT CAN BE EMBARRASSING FOR EVERYONE T-Rex: How is there a "time not to give a gift"? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, tons of times. During a funeral. In front of other people if some of them are getting gifts but one of them isn't, because then that person will feel bad. It's complicated!! Utahraptor: And that's not even considering the politics around it! T-Rex: POLITICS? Utahraptor: Give a gift that's too expensive and you could be seen as showing off your riches, PLUS you run the risk of making the person uncomfortable by indicating that you like them MORE than is either acceptable or reciprocated! T-Rex: Oh dang this sure is complicated God: YEP THAT'S HOW COME I GAVE Y'ALL THE GIFT OF LIFE AND THEN STOPPED I DIDN'T WANT TO BE GAUCHE T-Rex: Didn't you ALSO give us dominion over all the animals too? God: HAH HAH HAH God (punchline): NO THEY'RE JUST BIDING THEIR TIME

anyway real talk: how's about we just go ahead and fix all the friggin' PROBLEMS

T-Rex: I don't want to alarm anyone, but we've really got to fix the problems and make our civilization work. T-Rex: BECAUSE THIS IS OUR ONLY SHOT AT THIS, BABIES!! T-Rex: We already USED UP all the cheap and accessible coal and fossil fuels and heck, even PLUTONIUM. Everything that's easy to get has gotten itself gotted! If our world collapses and the survivors try to rise from the ashes, they'll have a planet where every non-renewable natural resource is GONE. They'll be trying to build themselves up on a planet that's on HARD MODE. Utahraptor: There's still some resources that we didn't use though! T-Rex: Oh sure! T-Rex: And the only way to get AT them is with a civilization that can sustain freakin' FRACKING. No longer can you just dig a li'l hole and then oil spurts out of the hole and you dance in the oil, as I am led to understand people did during the There Will Be Blood / I Drink Your Milkshake era?? T-Rex: Also, future civs are NOT going to get that reference until they invent Blu-Ray players or Netflix or at the very least shady sites that let you stream illegal movies while hijacking your computer for cryptomining. T-Rex (punchline): OH SNAP THEY'LL ALSO HAVE TO INVENT CRYPTOMINING

listen, i use a custom css dark mode on websites i visit often, and to answer your question: yes, it DOES rule

T-Rex: In an era of mass production AND mass consumption, I stand out from the crowd! For you see, though I may use the same phone as literally millions of other people... T-Rex: ...THIS rare and unique dude has CUSTOMIZED his icons!! Dromiceiomimus: Didn't you use an icon pack that you downloaded? T-Rex: I mean, YEAH, I didn't MAKE the icons, but - Dromiceiomimus: So couldn't there conceivably be millions of others who downloaded the same icon pack?? T-Rex: Aw dang it Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Okay, now my icons are a bespoke merging of SEVERAL icon packs! Utahraptor: So unique! T-Rex: I mean, it's an improvement, but I could still be making my own icons. But I'm not, because I've decided there's more to me than can be captured in a single "label" like "icon customizer". Utahraptor: Wait, were you doing air quotes on "label"? T-Rex: Let me make it more obvious... T-Rex (punchline): "Yes"

anyway t-rex was recently awarded third place in a VERY competitive online game and he just wanted to let you know

T-Rex: Let's say I've done something that I'm really proud of! And let's say I'd like to share this fact!! T-Rex: Well guess what happens next? T-Rex: SUDDENLY, I'M BRAGGING?? T-Rex: What the heck! If I don't share my successes, who will? And obviously there's a line between "hey this good thing happened to me" and "bragging", but how am I supposed to know where that line is without experience? And maybe good things don't happen to me often enough to GET that experience, huh? EVER THINK OF THAT, SOCIETY?? Dromiceiomimus: I guess it depends on HOW you share the good thing. T-Rex: But that's complicated, and different people respond differently! Utahraptor: Yep! Utahraptor: That's the nature of all things interpersonal! There's no one-size-fits-all solution, and even so-called "rules" of etiquette change VERY quickly. I suppose, like most things in society, it depends on a complex, reactive, and always-shifting network of stimuli and responses. T-Rex: Booooo T-Rex: Stop making living in a society sound like something I could be bad at T-Rex (punchline): Boooooooo

the grand result would be the kid saying "oh, this is new to me and i guess a little weird?" and then pausing and saying "and it does make the insanity of your alternative explanation for how the water cycle works suddenly understandable".

T-Rex: If rain didn't happen people would FREAK OUT the first time they saw it! They'd be all - T-Rex: THE AIR HAS BECOME A HEAVILY DISPERSED LAKE!? T-Rex: Okay, they probably wouldn't say THAT, but the fact remains it's water FALLING FROM THE SKY and we all act like it's normal. Dromiceiomimus: Hail would probably freak them out even more. Oh, or lightning! T-Rex: But even RAIN would be freaky! ANYTHING falling from the sky is weird, and we just accept it because we grew up with it! Utahraptor: There's only one way to settle this question for sure! T-Rex: Are you thinking what I am?? T-Rex: PRODUCING A CHILD AND THEN RAISING THEM FROM BIRTH IN A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT IN WHICH ANY MENTION OF RAIN IS AVOIDED WHILE ALSO NEVER BRINGING THEM OUTSIDE ON A DAY IN WHICH ANY FORM OF PRECIPITATION IS EITHER EXPECTED OR SEEN! Utahraptor: No T-Rex: Really thought you and I were going to say the same extremely long sentence at the same time there, dude. Off panel: Interesting! But if I may be permitted to reiterate: Off panel (punchline): No

many have died trying to climb big confession mountain, their corpses litter the peak, and the whole thing has become way too commercial lately

T-Rex: Altitude sickness! It's nature's way of saying that you're too high up, and should get a bit lower. T-Rex: It's nature's way of saying "YOU NEED OXYGEN TO NOT DIE AND AREN'T GETTING ENOUGH, BABE!" Dromiceiomimus: It's nature's way of saying "Look, now you're vomiting! Does that help make this clear? Are you understanding why climbing this high is a bad idea now? Are you may be feeling like you like to lower your elevation by 2500 meters or so? BECAUSE YOU DEFINITELY SHOULD." T-Rex: It's nature's way of saying "Honestly you can't even say you're surprised that this is happening... T-Rex: ...since the historical record shows there was a high peak in China known as 'Big Headache Mountain' as far back as 30 BCE, so WHY are you still doing this??" Utahraptor: Big Headache Mountain! T-Rex: I know, I love it!! Narrator: LATER, IN CONFESSION CORNER: T-Rex: I started this whole conversation just as an excuse to mention Big Headache Mountain!! T-Rex (punchline): Thank you for joining me on my journey right to the summit... of Big Confession Mountain

*on the toilet* NICE TRY, FOOD IN MY ENVIRONS, BUT ALL YOU HAVE GIVEN ME IS A CHANCE TO CHECK MY EMAIL IN PRIVATE

T-Rex: When you think about it, it's crazy that we're not all dying from being poisoned all the time. There are so many things that are bad for us! T-Rex: And we're eating, like, ALL THE TIME. T-Rex: It doesn't even have to be intentional! You can get food poisoning just by eating some bad fish. Heck, eat the wrong VEGETABLE and you can get poisoned, and vegetables are FAMOUSLY boring things to eat! You'd think we'd all be thrilled each meal, knowing that we're living on the edge and taking our very LIVES in our hands!! Utahraptor: I mean, our bodies have ways of handling poison, and not all poisoning is FATAL. T-Rex: What?! Utahraptor: If you eat something your body doesn't like, it can get rid of that by expelling it as quickly as possible. T-Rex: You're saying when I get poo trubs, that's not a weak bowel, that's my body REACTING TO AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT? Utahraptor: Uh - Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: Friends! In the past I'd say "please excuse me; I need to use the facilities" but now I'll say only this: I have to go because the world has poisoned me, but, as in all other attempts: T-Rex (punchline): IT FAILED, BITCHES

it was a pizza and it was gobbled with gusto

T-Rex: You know how on birthdays you get gifts and then everyone watches you open them - T-Rex: - IN A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE DISPLAY OF PERFORMATIVE EMOTION - T-Rex: - so that we can all see how you react to each gift and judge you by those same reactions?? Well it turns out that's not the only circumstance in which that happens!! Dromiceiomimus: Christmas? T-Rex: Well it turns out that's not the only two circumstances in which that happens!! Utahraptor: Baby showers? T-Rex: EXACTLY! Utahraptor: Well, that's the nature of gift-giving, T-Rex: someone gives you something and hopes you like it, which means every gift is a chance for you to unintentionally hurt someone's feelings by reacting the wrong way, but culture decided that if you're getting a gift then there should be a chance for public shame!! Off panel: Speaking of, did you like the thing I sent to your house three years back? T-Rex: Oh, dude!! I LOVED IT. I especially liked the gift you made of not mentioning it until now. T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): A true kindness

I AM MARKING DOWN 8-11 AS PHYSICAL EXERCISE AND ENVIRONMENTAL REMODELLING, AND TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION: YES, IT'S IN ALL CAPS

T-Rex: IT'S 11 AM AND I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET!! T-Rex: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, calm down! Your productivity isn't tied to your value as a person, and isn't the only metric for measuring how accomplished you are. You're allowed to have a non-productive hour or two!! T-Rex: COUNTERPOINT: I'VE ALREADY HAD THREE OF THEM SINCE 8AM, AHHHHH Utahraptor: COUNTERPOINT TWO: I haven't done anything productive in weeks! T-Rex: WHAT?! Utahraptor: Yeah man - I've been on vacation. And guess what: it's great! When I do go back to work, I'M going to be energized and focused, while YOU'RE just running around stomping on houses and humans because you're freaking out over "lost" hours!! T-Rex: OH MY GOD T-Rex: FIRST: COMPARING YOURSELF FAVOURABLY TO SOMEONE WHO IS CLEARLY IN THE MIDDLE OF A PERSONAL CRISIS IS A BAD LOOK. T-Rex: SECOND: YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT: I CAN AND SHOULD SPIN ALL THAT STOMPING I DID AS PRODUCTIVITY T-Rex (punchline): THANK YOU UTAHRAPTOR, I AM THUSLY SAVED

utahraptor and dromiceiomimus were like, nah, t-rex clearly has his own thing going on today, i'll just stay out of it

God: T-REX DO YOU WANT TO HEAR A SECRET T-Rex: A secret from GOD HIMSELF? Heck yeah I want to hear that! T-Rex: Um! T-Rex: ...Sorry for saying "heck"? God: THAT'S OKAY IT'S A PRETTY FUN WORD TO SAY God: LIKE OBVIOUSLY IT'S OBJECTIVELY MORE FUN TO SAY "HECK YEAH" THAN IT IS TO SAY "GOLLY, YES PLEASE" God: AND SINCE I CREATED THE UNIVERSE WITH THESE PROPERTIES I HAVE NOBODY TO BLAME BUT MYSELF T-Rex: Wait - you're taking responsibility for all the bad things?? God: PRIME MOVER HERE DUDE T-Rex: Huh! Usually people ask "why does God let bad things happen" but this is the first time I've heard the answer of "oh well, my bad". God: LISTEN IF YOU WANT I CAN REBOOT THE UNIVERSE AND FIX THINGS God: BUT WHENEVER I FLOAT THIS IDEA ALL INTELLIGENT LIFE SAYS "OH NO OH NO ON SECOND THOUGHT WE DON'T ACTUALLY WANT ANY CHANGES LOL" God: AND IT'S LIKE God: FINE God (punchline): YOU DO YOU

don't get me STARTED on those dreary midnights, i tell you what

T-Rex: Ah yes. Time to go home, relax, unwind, and decompress by pondering many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore! T-Rex: And I will begin this process at midnight sharp, AS IS MY WONT. T-Rex: It's how I like to spend ALL my bleak Decembers. And YES, the silken sad uncertain rustling of my purple curtains DOES have the chance of thrilling me while, at the same time, also filling me with fantastic terrors never seen before - but it's a risk I'M willing to take. Just as long as nobody knocks on my door!! Utahraptor: Plagiarizing Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven, I see! T-Rex: Aha! I'm NOT! T-Rex: I'm ADAPTING it for a new format (first person foreshadowy narrative) and, since it's out of copyright, that means NOBODY CAN STOP ME! It's in the PUBLIC DOMAIN! Utahraptor: Even if your version is objectively worse? T-Rex: ESPECIALLY if my version is OBJECTIVELY WORSE!! T-Rex: Which it IS T-Rex: Because writing is HARD T-Rex (punchline): And I need to work on my SELF-ESTEEM

HE WILL THEREFORE BE AMONG THE LAST TO BE CULLED

Off panel: Hey, do you want a cup of coffee? T-Rex: No thanks, I don't drink coffee. Off panel: OH MY GOD YOU WHAT?? T-Rex: Uh - Dromiceiomimus: Wait - you don't like coffee? Oh haha you must hate it when people say "don't talk to me until I've had my cup of coffee", huh? T-Rex: I mean, I know it's a joke, and - Dromiceiomimus: It's not really relatable unless you're addicted to the ol' bean, right? T-Rex: No, see, I UNDERSTAND why people like it, it's just not for me - Utahraptor: You look DOWN on us? T-Rex: What? No, I - Utahraptor: Well there must be SOMETHING you don't like about coffee drinkers if you've built your life around not being one! T-Rex: Oh my god WHY Narrator: LATER: Off panel: Hey, you want a coffee? T-Rex: Um... yes? As long as I can "drink it" when "nobody is watching" so I can "pour it down the sink"?? Off panel: Hah hah, this guy calls his throat "the sink" because he loves coffee so much! Off panel (punchline): HE'S JUST LIKE US

even if you're a senior citizen on their phone in a waiting room ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE A SENIOR CITIZEN ON THEIR PHONE IN A WAITING ROOM

T-Rex: I have an exciting update on gift-giving! It turns out, not EVERY culture wants to see you open them publicly. T-Rex: BUT I'M NOT SAYING WHICH ONES, BECAUSE I WANT TO MOVE THERE FIRST. Dromiceiomimus: It's East Asian countries, right? I know in China, South Korea, and Japan it can be considered super rude to open a gift right away, like you're so greedy you just can't wait to see what you got. T-Rex: I - Dromiceiomimus: Or are you talking about Germany, where gifts are also left to be opened later? T-Rex: I didn't even know about that one! Utahraptor: Cultures! There's lots of 'em! T-Rex: So what I'm hearing is, all I need to do is learn about EVERY culture, and then I can move to the one that best suits ME and MY criteria! Utahraptor: Which are? T-Rex: No public gifts, TASTEFUL nudity, respect for achieving best buffet value instead of saying "wow you're HUNGRY"... T-Rex: ...and finally, if you EVER watch a video on your phone in a public space WITHOUT headphones, then anyone can reach over and turn the volume down to zero and there's nothing you're allowed to do but feel intense shame 24/7 for the rest of your days. Off panel (punchline): Take me with you

okay this one is based on a true story, the guy was sitting behind me on public transit, and i never saw his face. i was afraid to look, like it would Change me

T-Rex: I met a guy with the world's most annoying voice! It was like it was genetically engineered BY GOD HIMSELF to make me go from "zero" to "an almost zenlike state of pure annoyance and dislike!" in a split second!! T-Rex: It was honestly kind of... impressive?? Dromiceiomimus: Was it what he was saying, or just his voice itself? T-Rex: Just the voice! I swear, this guy could be professing his admiration for my grace and charm and I'd still be annoyed. I'd never felt such an instant dislike for any voice before! T-Rex: It - it was like seeing a new COLOUR, Dromiceiomimus. T-Rex: Only the colour was REAL ANNOYING?? Utahraptor: Poor guy! T-Rex: Right? He must KNOW, right? But what if his voice isn't the most annoying to OTHERS, but only to me? What if there's such a thing as soulmates, and there's such a thing as opposite soulmates, and he's mine: we're two people who find absolutely every detail about the other person irritating?? Off panel: And to think, of all the people in the world, you and him found each other. T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): It's so annoying of him to do something like that

harder, faster, better, stronger: however you want my voice to sound JUST LET ME KNOW, I'LL DO IT

T-Rex: OH MY GOD WHAT IF I'M THE GUY WITH THE WORLD'S MOST ANNOYING VOICE?? And worse... T-Rex: ...what if it's not a 1:1 correspondence?! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, with "opposite soulmates", I was assuming that for every person there's someone who is just so, SO irritating to that person. But what if it's not 1:1? What if I'm the opposite soulmate for a huge swath of people? T-Rex: AND THEN WHAT IF LOTS OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE ME FOR REASONS I CAN'T CONTROL?? Utahraptor: Congratulations, T-Rex: you have independently invented "popularity"! T-Rex: No, this is different! Utahraptor: Not really: you can't force folks to like you. And if they hate you for your voice, well, at least it's for something you are rather than something you're not, right? T-Rex: I can CHANGE my voice. If someone hated it I'd change it for them!! Utahraptor: And they say nothing's sexier than confidence. T-Rex: And *I* say the opposite, which is that if everyone would just give me an itemized list of things they don't like about me, I'd be MORE than willing to adjust myself for them!! T-Rex (punchline): Alas, we'll never know which of the two of us is right

utahraptor out there making reading cool like it wasn't even a thing

T-Rex: The world is finally ready for my new story. It's a vampire story! T-Rex: And the vampires are NOT sexy! T-Rex: These are vampires who have important things to do and therefore CAN'T smolder all day, nor can they smooch you, NOR can they gaze at you across a crowd like they'd LIKE to smooch you. They're too busy for your dang horniness! Utahraptor: It feels like a vampire story without sexiness is like a ghost story without spookiness. T-Rex: THOSE ARE RAD TOO. T-Rex: Any story is improved by having a ghost in it, even if it's not scary! It just makes things INHERENTLY more interesting. It's the same rule that applies to robots, even if their anti-murder chip never fails during the narrative: this is writing 101 here. Utahraptor: Interesting. Off panel: So if I understand you: autobiographies by people who have since died are massively improved by reframing them as just a really self-interested ghost telling you their life story?? T-Rex: OH MY GOD T-Rex: YES T-Rex (punchline): OH MY GOD YES