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"if you have your characters point out how erotic everything is, the reader can't HELP but notice." - the T-Rex School of Erotica Writing

T-Rex: Antonio Tony, my adult fiction character, found himself in a situation he'd never expected or planned for! Narrator: ANTONIO TONY Narrator: meets Narrator: MANCAVE STEELE T-Rex: The man's name was "Mancave Steele", OBVIOUSLY, OF COURSE HE WOULD BE NAMED THAT, and he made Antonio question lots he was already certain about, such as "can men who consider themselves 'heterosexual' have sex with other men"? Turns out, they could! Antonio and Mancave proved that SEVERAL times! Dromiceiomimus: In a row? T-Rex: Sure, why not. Utahraptor: T-Rex, I applaud you for progressive narrative, despite its hauntingly stupid character names! T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: As you know, the sexual health issues facing gay men don't care about labels, but WE do - the unfortunate side-effect being some men who sex men don't identify as "gay" or "bi", but straight, and therefore ignore messages that target "the gays"! Your story helps illuminate, and therefore conquer, this barrier. T-Rex (punchline): As Antonio did erotic sex on Mancave, he was happy that he was super progressive and not just a straight character turned gay because nobody could let a name like "Mancave Steele" go to waste. His reverie was interrupted by Mancave mumbling "I love your rad weiner", VERY sexually. THE END.

TELL ME THIS ISN'T AN IMPROVEMENT: "My learned opponent's proposed changes to our health care system will - whether by design or by accident - have the effect of dismantling the most important and cherished parts of our social safety net, and are easily revealed as part of a system of creeping normality, like the tears of my enemies gradually filling all the mason jars in my house".

T-Rex: If you want to suggest something is changing so slowly that nobody will even notice until it's too late, you would say - T-Rex: "It's like a frog in boiling water!" T-Rex: - You T-Rex: - referencing, of course, the idea that a frog put in hot water will obviously jump out, but a frog put in cold water that's then heated very slowly will stay there, lulled into a stupor until it's cooked to death! Just one problem: Dromiceiomimus: Frogs don't act that way, yo! T-Rex: FROGS DON'T ACT THAT WAY, YO, indeed. Utahraptor: But it's a metaphor I use ALL THE TIME to describe the impact of the accumulation of gradual minor changes! T-Rex: Right?! T-Rex: THIS IS THE PROBLEM: I don't want to spread scientific misinformation, but I also don't want to lessen my RAW RHETORICAL POWER. We need a NEW "boiling frog"! "Death by a thousand cuts"? Utahraptor: Close, but you'd notice the cuts! Like, DEFINITELY after cut 4 or so. Off panel: "Like accumulating snow in a forest"? T-Rex: "Like tectonic plates pulling apart Pangea"? Off panel: "Like the tears of my enemies gradually filling all the mason jars in my house"? T-Rex (punchline): OMG, WE HAVE A WINNER

in the distant past there's the generation that LITERALLY INVENTED THE WHEEL going "really? greatest? wow that's a WHEELY great surprise" (they also invented puns) (sarcasm too! i'm telling you: they were terrific)

T-Rex: The generation that fought WWII got called "The Greatest Generation"! Pretty slick move, Greatest Generation! They saw no other group had yet decided to name themselves "The #1 Best Collection Of People Since Time Began"... T-Rex: ...and they WENT FOR IT. T-Rex: But, thus emboldened, they NEVER STOPPED NAMING GENERATIONS. They all had babies - ARGUABLY TOO MANY - and called them "Baby Boomers". Perfect, right? Of COURSE a generation that would turn into today's seniors would nickname their babies "boomers". That's just what you'd expect a proto-grandparent to do! Utahraptor: Did the Greatest Generation stop there? T-Rex: THEY'LL NEVER STOP! T-Rex: Next they labelled "Generation X" and called 'em SLACKERS. We were at peak "kids these days", OR SO WE THOUGHT, until they came up with "millennials": EVEN WORSE kids these days! Do you know that millennials use COMPUTERS more often than seniors do, and seniors use computers precisely the correct amount?? T-Rex (punchline): I was unaware of this but then I got stuck on a bus with a senior and now I'm woke af

dick move

T-Rex: Why do bad things happen to good people? Perhaps because... T-Rex: "IT'S ALL PART OF THE PLAN"?? T-Rex: But it seems that with planning you could, I don't know, AVOID the bad things? T-Rex: So maybe "YOU CAN'T HAVE GOOD THINGS WITHOUT BAD THINGS"? Because without something to contrast it with, we'd never know if ANYTHING was good! Oh, except that sandwiches are delicious, FACTUALLY DELICIOUS, and we can enjoy them without eating contrasting antisandwiches first. I don't even know what that'd be - meat, bread, meat? Dromiceiomimus: THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS EVEN BETTER. Utahraptor: How about saying "MAYBE THEY DESERVED IT"? T-Rex: Then you're a jerk who deserves it more! Utahraptor: True. Okay, how about "THERE ARE NO GOOD PEOPLE"? T-Rex: Aha! A nice trick, nullifying the question and suggesting whatever happens is deserved. I guess you won't mind if I punch everyone in the face? WE ALL DESERVE IT, NOBODY IS A GOOD PERSON T-Rex: KAPOW God: MAYBE OUR IDEA OF 'GOOD' IS FLAWED AND 'BAD' THINGS ARE ACTUALLY 'GOOD' T-Rex: That explanation is SO WEAK that it's sucked out some of my life force! I will now LITERALLY live for less time, simply because I had to process it! T-Rex: ...Frig, man. T-Rex (punchline): Friiiiiig

...forever

T-Rex: Woke up sleepy? Achieved an inner calmness that you just can't shake? Overdosed on homeopathic calming lozenges - SOMEHOW?? You need some stress-relief relief! You need... Narrator: ANXIETY-INDUCING COMICS T-Rex: TAXES: have you done them? You probably haven't yet. Even if you have, did you know you can be reassessed? Did you know you could be AUDITED? Did you know there's no statute of limitations on TAX FRAUD? If you have filed taxes EVEN ONCE in your life, you now can go to jail for tax fraud for the rest of it! And if you HAVEN'T filed taxes, your problems are even worse!! Dromiceiomimus: AHHHHHHHHHHH T-Rex: DISEASES: you can get MULTIPLE diseases at the same time! Doctors call this "comorbidity" EVEN IF YOU DON'T DIE!! Utahraptor: AHHHHHHHHHHHH T-Rex: SOCIETY: other people gossip about you, secretly AND regularly, and not all of the things they say are kind! Heck, not all of the things they say are even TRUE, but you'll NEVER BE ABLE TO CORRECT THEM!! T-Rex: AHHHHHHHHHHHH I SCARED MYSELF ON THAT ONE T-Rex: Hah hah hah, I'm just kidding! None of the previous problems are real. In fact, NO problems are real! Hah hah hah! T-Rex: HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!! T-Rex (punchline): I'm gonna go lie down now

i'm trying to think of animals that you eat whole that are also bite-sized. crickets? i ate crickets the other week. they weren't bad! they take a sauce well, and the trick when facing down a spoonful of crickets is to not focus on it but rather imagine you're eating something else. something crunchy. anyway thanks for reading my comic today!!

T-Rex: One day everyone on Earth became immortal. They could no longer be killed! T-Rex: This was TERRIFIC news for people who had gotten used to being alive! T-Rex: But it was bad news for farmers, butchers, and anyone who relied on sellin' food. Their product was NO LONGER MANDATORY. Dromiceiomimus: But surely folks would still eat for pleasure! T-Rex: Oh sure, they could... IF THE PLANTS AND ANIMALS WEREN'T IMMORTAL TOO?? Utahraptor: Wait, EVERYONE on Earth is immortal? T-Rex: That's what I said, yo! T-Rex: Now swatting wasps JUST MADE THEM ANGRIER. Antibiotics were useless, immortal parasites only multiplied inside their hosts, and everything you ate came out the other end as alive as when it went in - only now it craved REVENGE. Utahraptor: Ew. T-Rex: I call my tale, "A Story To Console Your Kid With When A Beloved Grandparent Dies, For Now The Child Will Understand The Necessity of Death". Off panel: That's a horrible title. T-Rex: A.K.A, "WASPOCOLYPSE 2000". Off panel (punchline): ...I'm listening

one day i'll figure out a "nobody dies anymore" story that isn't a dystopia. ONE DAY. TOMORROW, ACTUALLY. THAT IS MY DEADLINE

T-Rex: One day everyone on Earth became immortal. They could no longer be killed! And by "everyone" I mean "only the dinosaurs", of course! T-Rex: I DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES TWICE. T-Rex: This was super great, until we started having kids and discovered THEY didn't share our immortality. They lived, they grew old, and they died. Watching our children die before us became depressing, and soon we stopped having babies. Our offspring didn't, of course, and so Earth divided into classes: the immortals and our descendants, who lived and died in what felt - to us - like a heartbeat. Utahraptor: This sounds actually kinda hellish. T-Rex: Oh, it gets worse!! T-Rex: Since WE could now focus on a problem for centuries, technology developed quickly. But society stagnated, as new generations with new ideas never came to power. The embarrassing prejudices your grandparents had? That was US, only we never died, so our weird racisms never got cleared away. T-Rex: Later on aliens were like, man, this immortal planet of racists would make EXCELLENT workers in the bowels of our extremely unpleasant warp engines. T-Rex (punchline): THE END.

as usual, batman can beat anyone, INCLUDING intractable economic realities

T-Rex: One day everyone on Earth became immortal, but only the dinosaurs. AND their children became immortal too, if they chose to have them. T-Rex: ...I think we're good? T-Rex: And YES, this would quickly lead to overpopulation, but I built in a loophole: we could still kill OURSELVES. So if conditions ever became intolerable, we had a way out. Dromiceiomimus: So Earth therefore became desperately overpopulated, with life that was, for most, juuuuuust MARGINALLY better than death? T-Rex: ...Man, I guess so, huh?? THANKS ECONOMICS!! Utahraptor: But we could improve planetary conditions, so more people would stick around! T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: ...but that just highlights the reality that better lives result in more people living, pushing things back to marginality. T-Rex: MAN. Is there not a SINGLE STORY in which immortality doesn't screw over everyone forever? T-Rex: Wait. WAIT. I've got it! [a book cover with text in Batman The Animated Series font] Book cover: THE DAY BATMAN BECAME IMMORTAL, AND ALSO REAL Book cover: AND ALSO MY BEST FRIEND Book cover: ALSO, I BECAME IMMORTAL TOO Book cover (punchline): I DON'T WANT TO GIVE THE WHOLE STORY AWAY IN MY BOOK TITLE SO I'LL STOP NOW, BUT LET ME SAY THIS: WE DEFINITELY KISS

this comic is dedicated to Emily Horne of A Softer World Dot Com, who said "breakfast Gettysburg address" when I said "what should I write a comic about?". Emily, know this: the world will little note, nor long remember what we have created here, but it will never forget a megatasty breakfast sammie.

T-Rex: Four score and seven eggs ago, our waiters brought forth on this table a new breakfast, conceived in hunger, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are awoken hankerin' for eggs. Narrator: THE BREAKFASTBURG ADDRESS T-Rex: Now we are engaged in a great morning feast, testing whether that breakfast, or any breakfast so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure before our ravenous mouths. We are met by a great table of that breakfast buffet. We have come to gobble a portion of that buffet. T-Rex: It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. Utahraptor: It is for us the living to gobble here the unfinished buffet which others here have so nobly attempted to consume? T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: We here highly resolve that former patrons shall not have eaten breakfast in vain - that this breakfast, before 11am, shall have a new serving of eggs scrambie - and that a breakfast by the people, for the people, but OF mainly eggies and French toast - shall not perish from the earth. Narrator: LATER, DIGESTIVE CHALLENGES: T-Rex: OH MY GOD T-Rex (punchline): I don't care how fancy the language is, somebody punch me the next time I say I want EIGHTY-SEVEN EGGS for breakfast

sherlock holmes and the case of he only cares about crimes

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes, the public domain detective anyone can use, frowned. This mystery challenged even his highly-developed mystery-solving organ, or "brain"! T-Rex: SOMEONE had been robbing from the rich and giving to the poor!! T-Rex: Sherlock was stumped. All he'd been able to deduce so far was that the criminal was working with a gang of outlaws that included at least one friar, a fat guy everyone called "little" because jokes, and just a single woman because sexisms. But even his hardest deductions hadn't revealed their identities! Who was it who had been robbin' 'hoods? "That's new slang for 'neighbourhood' that I just invented," muttered Sherlock, mid-deduction. Utahraptor: "Do we even desire to capture this rogue?" asked Watson. T-Rex: "Whyever not?" said Sherlock. Utahraptor: "Wealth inequality," said Watson, "is a market failure that leads to crime, unrest, and corruption, but which if corrected produces increased population happiness, education, wellness, AND market growth. The only one actually addressing these issues is this... this robbing hoodlum." T-Rex: "Oh duh, it's Robin Hood," said Sherlock. "Geez. That was obvious. I should've seen that way earlier. Duh." T-Rex (punchline): Sherlock telephoned Scotland Yard to tell them who to arrest. THE END.

this comic was going to be "can we talk to animals" but then i remembered t-rex talks to cephalopods and morris the tiny bug on the semi-regular. THANKS, MY CONTINUITY

T-Rex: Dogs make noises, just like WE make noises. It seems obvious to ask: CAN WE TALK TO DOGS?? God: YES God: HECK God: YOU CAN TALK TO A BRICK WALL IF YOU WANT TO T-Rex: Okay, true. TRUE. I guess what I'm asking is: can we COMMUNICATE with dogs?? Dromiceiomimus: The answer is yes, as I can ask a dog to sit and that dog - assuming he's a good boy, yes he is, yes he is - will sit. T-Rex: Right. OKAY. More precisely: can we have TWO-WAY communication with dogs?? Utahraptor: Ask a dog if it wants a treat, it will bark, and you'll understand that as a "yes"! T-Rex: FINE. T-Rex: Let me be ENTIRELY PRECISE: can we have grammatical, symbolic communication with dogs, in which base linguistic quanta can be combined into novel and meaningful semantics? Utahraptor: Oh, no. No way. Absolutely not. T-Rex: ...Right. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE: Off panel: T-Rex, of course you can! As you know, I'M just several dogs in a Utahraptor suit right now! T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah hah! I feel SUCH DEEP SORROW for those forever trapped in lesser universes!!

if the women don't find you handsome they should at least find you beyond caring

T-Rex: Hey, raise your hand if you ever thought it'd be nice if strangers would just like you a lot for no reason! T-Rex: ...What's that? T-Rex: EVERY HAND IN THE WORLD JUST GOT RAISED?? T-Rex: Good news, people attached to those hands: this thing is possible! All you need is CHARISMA. And it turns out that's really easy! Just get great at conversation, eye contact, confidence, body language, humour, engagement, and at having a fun, approachable, and empathic presence! T-Rex: Tada! Utahraptor: Is that all? T-Rex: Yep! It's THAT easy! T-Rex: Those nine skills are LITERALLY all you need for likeability! And each can take work, sure, but ANYONE can learn one of them in a decade, tops. So by the time you're ninety, you'll be ready for ANY social situation the world can throw at you!! Utahraptor: Assuming I start working on my charm as a baby. T-Rex: Oh yes. If you were born an uncharismatic baby, then it's MUCH simpler to not care if people like you!! You will be beyond fear, beyond shame; society will find itself impotent against your fully-realized self. T-Rex (punchline): You will, at last, be free

i care a lot about some of the things, BUT: not all of the things

T-Rex: Let's say you set up a democracy where anyone can become its leader! NOT A BAD IDEA, RIGHT?? Lots of people love a democracy. T-Rex: Surprise! You leave yourself open to a megajerk being the one in charge! T-Rex: So you're like, okay dang that's true, maybe we should use COMPUTERS to make a democracy where everyone votes on everything. That's fair, right? Except ruling by consensus sucks, because there ARE such a thing as experts, and there exist unpopular opinions that are nevertheless correct. Plus, who cares about most things?? I don't want to CARE about farm subsidies, much less have to vote on them! Utahraptor: My most sincere wish is to just make it through this life never caring about farm subsidies. T-Rex: Right?? T-Rex: So if "everyone votes on everything" sucks, and "everyone votes for guys who then decide everything" sucks, what's left? Utahraptor: Muddling through as best we can with flawed systems and compromises that satisfy nobody?? T-Rex: Yaaaay Banner: WHO CARES ABOUT MOST THINGS? Narrator (punchline): #1 winner for "the most real rhetorical question I have ever written"

It is a thing I am Working On

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes, the public domain detective who ruined the name "Sherlock" for everyone else, frowned. It seemed some brute was going around murdering people! T-Rex: (It's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but don't tell him!) T-Rex: "This is indeed strangest case I have ever encountered," Sherlock said. (He forgot to say "the", just as the word "The" is missing from the story's original title, "Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"!). Sherlock had used some drugs before out of boredom (drugs transformed Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde, so there's a parallel here which also parallels the "good/evil" conflict in the original story!) but he wasn't using them now. T-Rex: Sherlock deduced fingerprints were a thing, then arrested the dual man. THE END. Utahraptor: That's IT?! Utahraptor: Dude, you were pointing out every literary allusion you made just to be ABSOLUTELY SURE we'd all know how clever you were! It was PAINFUL. T-Rex: It was ACCESSIBLE! Wow. SNOBBY much?? Utahraptor: ...Sometimes, yeah. T-Rex: ... Off panel: ... Narrator (punchline): "SUDDEN UNEXPECTED HONESTY COMICS"

this much I know is true: when people look back on US in a thousand years, someone's prolly gonna call us a bunch of big a-holes >:|

T-Rex: If we look back at people a thousand years ago, they had crappy societies, science, technology, AND medicine! They were, BASICALLY, a bunch of a-holes. T-Rex: Preemptive apology for calling everyone's ancestors a big bunch of a-holes!! T-Rex: But what will the future think of US? Is there anything WE'RE doing that they'll look back on and say "eh, that was fine, I GUESS"? Dromiceiomimus: Probably our sex, yo! People in the past deployed the exact same cool sex moves we have now; we just don't want to admit it! I can't see that changing. T-Rex: Interesting! Utahraptor: I, conversely, DO see that changing! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: I believe future sex will be SO AMAZING that folks will look back on us with a trenchant mixture of pity and horniness, and by "horniness" I refer to a future horniness SO HORNY that it exists in a place beyond our comprehension, and that to explain it to us would be as pointless as explaining the space shuttle to an ant. T-Rex: This concludes our TED talk, "THE FUTURE: HORNY??". T-Rex: THERE ARE NO QUESTIONS ALLOWED IN TED TALKS; THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING T-Rex (punchline): GOOD LUCK OUT THERE

please feel free to learn all history from this comic; i promise you will at least be interesting at parties

T-Rex: One day money started to LITERALLY grow on trees. This was, briefly, terrific news! T-Rex: Then it very quickly became horrible, completely apocalyptic news! T-Rex: World authorities not only had to deal with collapsing economies, but also with the fact that trees now producing currency had stopped producing their regular fruit. This led to the deaths of fruit-eating animals, particularly birds - whose extinctions had a tremendous, devastating effect on the ecosystem precisely at the time when we needed food-chain stability the most. Utahraptor: But some of us survived, right? T-Rex: Oh sure. WE'RE here! T-Rex: Ironically, the money-growing trees soon died off, since they produced useless legal tender instead of, you know, nuts and seeds. And once they were gone we were back where we started, only without any fruit, birds, and hundreds of other species. It took millenia for similar traits and species to re-evolve. T-Rex: And that's why EVEN TODAY we repeat "Money doesn't grow on trees", as both a warning of the NATURAL ORDER and a command from the ancients to DESTROY any trees defying it!! Off panel: Incredible! And yet, like all folk etymologies, also extremely accurate! T-Rex (punchline): RIGHT??

utahraptor is all "[edvard munch's 'the scream' tumbles out of his mouth and hangs in the sky impossibly, and all who gaze upon it feel madness crawling inside their eyes]"

T-Rex: Let's say I show you a starburst with a bunch of jagged points and angles! Like this: T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: [pointy shape] T-Rex: Then let's say I show you a splat, like this: T-Rex: [rounded shape] T-Rex: And then I say, which of these shapes is named "kiki" and which is named "bouba"? Utahraptor: Whoah whoah whoah! HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT WITH YOUR MOUTH?! What the hell, dude?! T-Rex: Wait, let's talk about bouba! T-Rex: Because consensus is FASCINATING: the majority call the pointy one "kiki", even across languages! This suggests the words we call things AREN'T arbitrary, but rather at least partially determined by - Utahraptor: WHEN YOU SPOKE IT WAS LIKE I COULD SEE - A SHAPE Utahraptor: LIKE, AN ACTUAL SHAPE Off panel: IT WAS THERE IN THE AIR AND I COULD SEE IT Off panel: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Off panel (punchline): [Facebook 'like' hand thumb down]

womp womp

T-Rex: Ah, yes. Time to re-read a favourite book from my childhood! Nothing could possibly go wrong! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Uh... THIS BOOK IS BAD AND NOT GOOD TO READ?? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, my childhood favourite is hot garbage! Not even hot garbage: LUKEWARM garbage. When I wasn't looking it got... BAD! Dromiceiomimus: It's almost like any work of art is NOT a stand-alone document but rather something that exists as a conversation between text and reader, and as such, it can never be experienced in the same way twice and is as ephemeral as your ever-changing self!! T-Rex: Aw man! Boo to THAT!! Utahraptor: What are we booing? T-Rex: The fact that art comes to life only when experienced BY a reader, therefore it's not fully contained in the text, therefore even the most cherished childhood memories can turn to ashes in your mouth. Utahraptor: Hah hah hah! Utahraptor: YEP Off panel: Hey, speaking of: have you noticed the more you recall a favourite memory, the more it flattens, like you're remembering your later recollection of it rather than the original event? T-Rex: ...No? Off panel: Oh!! Off panel (punchline): ...Something to look forward to, then

AN IDEA: let's destroy civilization first just to see

T-Rex: It is a truth universally acknowledged that "Call me Ishmael", as a novel opening, is like a television tuned to a dead channel. T-Rex: That is to say: it's been done, yo! T-Rex: Start your novel with "Call me [WHATEVER NAME YOU WANT HERE]" and people are gonna say, "Oh, like Moby Dick. It's like that other book I've heard about." And so the whole opening structure is ruined forever! You can still USE it, sure, but unless you somehow acknowledge Mobes D or play with it or whatever, people are just going to assume you ripped off Melville. Utahraptor: There's lots of things like this! T-Rex: Oh, I know! Utahraptor: For example, I can't consider to being or not to being without people thinking "Oh hey, like from Hamlet". T-Rex: Right?! The longer our civilization lasts, the more phrases get claimed by famous books, and the fewer words there are left for the rest of us. There can be only one answer: T-Rex: DESTROY CIVILIZATION?? Off panel: Stop looking for low-hanging fruit, stand on the shoulders of giants, and express ever greater and more nuanced sentiment?? T-Rex (punchline): Uh, DESTROY CIVILIZATION??

Potential slogans: "Don't Worry, He's Friendly", "He's A Good Dog, Yes He Is", and/or "The Paws That Refreshes... America".

T-Rex: My friends, I come to you with EXCITING NEWS: I checked, and there really IS nothing in the United States constitution that says a dog can't be President!! T-Rex: I AM DEADLY SERIOUS RIGHT NOW. T-Rex: The phrase "so yeah SORRY, a dog can't be president" shows up precisely zero times!! Dromiceiomimus: Doesn't the constitution say something NOT-UNPROBLEMATIC about only a "natural born Citizen who has attained the Age of 35 years" being allowed? T-Rex: Sure! But do they mean 35 regular years... or 35 DOG years? I'll tell you what: IT DOES NOT SPECIFY. That, my friend, is one HELLA debatable founding document. And are dogs citizens? THIS constitutional scholar says: yes! Utahraptor: Surely if Americans wanted a pupper President, they would've said so! T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: I could just as easily say if they DIDN'T want President Dog they would've said so. Guess what? THEY HAVEN'T. In fact, they've amended the constitution 33 times, but CLEARLY felt things like "no booze" or "lol booze is okay now, nvm" were more pressing matters. Conclusion? T-Rex: THE PUBLIC WANTS PRESIDENT DOG. Narrator: "THE CAMPAIGN FOR A DOG WHO IS PRESIDENT" Narrator: ALTERNATIVELY, "THE CAMPAIGN FOR AN ACTUAL AMENDMENT IN THE CONSTITUTION THAT SAYS A DOG CAN'T BE PRESIDENT" T-Rex: Guess what?! T-Rex (punchline): Either would be equally amazing!!

This comic is 100% autobiographical; I read "The Catcher in the Rye" for the first time last week and I absolutely thought it was about baseball. American novel written in the 50s, with that title? COME ON. I fully expected it to be about Catcher going after a pop fly and accidentally running out into the rye, wherein the contradictions of his youth and/or the American dream are laid bare. PASS.

T-Rex: Hey everyone! I read "The Catcher In The Rye"! And I have some GREAT NEWS: T-Rex: It's not about baseball played in a field! Dromiceiomimus: I REALLY THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT A BORING GAME OF BASEBALL PLAYED IN A TEDIOUS FIELD OF RYE. T-Rex: Right?! Probably because of its HORRIBLE TITLE which suggests baseball - History's Most Boring Game - combined with rye, EASILY in the top 10 snorefest grains. The title makes sense when you read it, but who's gonna read it with that title?? Not me, initially! Narrator: BETTER TITLES FOR BOOKS Utahraptor: The Catcher in the Rye? T-Rex: "WOW! A Likeable Sullen Teen!" Utahraptor: Okay, what about... Oedipus Rex? T-Rex: "The Too Too Horny King" Utahraptor: The Lord Of The Rings? T-Rex: "DRAGONFIGHTS! Vols 1-3" Utahraptor: The Lord Of The Flies? T-Rex: "CBS'S SURVIVOR Book Edition, With ALL NEW Scenes TOO HOT FOR TV!" Off panel: The Old Man and the Sea? T-Rex: "GIANT SEA MONSTER WITH A SPEAR MOUNTED ON ITS FACE vs AN OLD MAN - The Legendary To-The-Death Cage Match On The High Seas, Novelized Here For The First Time!!" T-Rex (punchline): Holy crap, literature is AWESOME

BE READY

Image description: The initial "one-time" part of a double-feature comic T-Rex: 1887. Memorize that year. That's the year when Hertz first detected radio waves. T-Rex: And radio waves are the reason you won't encounter any time travellers after then!! T-Rex: ANY distortion to the space-time continuum is going to generate all sorts of powerful electromagnetic phenomena, and besides visible light - which can be managed - radio waves happen to be both the most strongly generated AND the most easily detectable. Dromiceiomimus: If you want to travel back in time, and you don't want anyone to notice, you've got to arrive before 1887. Utahraptor: For the same reason, 1887 is also the last year you'll find wifi hotspots! T-Rex: Sadly, yes. T-Rex: And while the wireless internet of 1800s is impressive, you'll still want to visit before 1608 to use it at its peak: the invention of telescopes that year necessitated decommissioning our satellites. Utahraptor: Remember: ironically, the further you go BACK in time, the BETTER the wireless support network is. Narrator: THIS COMIC IS MEANT ONLY FOR YOU - IT WAS THE BEST WAY TO REACH YOU AT THIS EXACT MOMENT Narrator: YOU MUST BE PREPARED FOR WHAT IS TO COME Narrator: -LEARN HISTORY -LEARN LINGUISTICS -LEARN HOW TO GENERATE ELECTRICITY IN ANY TIME PERIOD Narrator: -**BE READY** Narrator (punchline): THIS COMIC WILL NOT BE DISPLAYED TWICE

also now you have something to do with that bucket of squirming rodents, so: double win

Narrator: SO YOU'VE BEEN CURSED BY THE GODS AND NOW HAVE SNAKES FOR HAIR T-Rex: Don't worry! This happens a lot, for some reason! T-Rex: Maybe it's because we live in a world of wild capricious gods of limitless power; who knows?? T-Rex: CARE: your hair snakes are immortal, but will become ornery when hungry. Thankfully, hair snakes, like most snakes, eat mice. Dromiceiomimus: Feed them by hand or by regularly submerging your head in a bucket of squirming rodents: whatever is more convenient for you. Utahraptor: STYLE: positive reinforcement training can encourage your snakes into many fashionable positions! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: INTIMACY: many find the hint of danger when kissing someone with a head full of hissing snakes intoxicating. Utahraptor: But remember: snakes, if startled, will bite. Be sure to approach sexual partners slowly and calmly, especially if they also have snakes. T-Rex: RECOVERY: you have a head full of immortal GOD-SNAKES, you are feared by most and respected by all, and even in death hissing snakes will forever protect your skull. You have ALREADY recovered. T-Rex (punchline): From MEDIOCRITY.

This is not a stealth announcement that Dinosaur Comics has an Instagram account. It doesn't! This is just ME helping you with your FRIGGIN' PROBLEMS!

Narrator: CHECK ME OUT ON INSTAGRAM Narrator: an e-card T-Rex: Hello! T-Rex: FRIGGIN' CHECK ME OUT ON INSTAGRAM ALREADY!! T-Rex: You know where we're at? I'm sending you an E-CARD to get you to check out my Instagram. What the hell, huh?? Why have you forced us here?? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?? Just check out my friggin' Instagram already!! T-Rex: FRIG!! [no text] [no text] T-Rex (punchline): Sorry for swearing, just please check out my instagram

this comic started out as a comic called "fun facts about parallelograms" but then I decided to KICK THINGS UP A NOTCH. also: there were simply too many fun facts about parallelograms to choose from

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Our first letter comes from Davis, writing: "Professor, a group of lions is called 'a pride'. Is a group of ghosts called 'a fraid'?" T-Rex: A FRAID OF GHOSTS T-Rex: OH MY GOD Dromiceiomimus: OH MY ACTUAL GOD T-Rex: THIS IS IT, THIS IS WHAT THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE WAS BUILDING TO Dromiceiomimus: THE ONE PERFECT PHRASE T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: IT HAS BEEN ACHIEVED Utahraptor: WITH PERFECTION AT LAST REALIZED, THERE IS NO NEED FOR ANY MORE ENGLISH T-Rex: YES T-Rex: ENGLISH HAS EXPRESSED ITS ULTIMATE SENTIMENT; ALL OTHERS ARE LESSER Utahraptor: IT CAN NOW BE DISCARDED LIKE THE WORTHLESS HUSK IT HAS BECOME T-Rex: LET US ABANDON IT AS WE ABANDON ALL REGRETS Utahraptor: AGREED T-Rex (punchline): SAOGNGA GALARSONK

here I am using the Squirrel Girl theme song in Dinosaur Comics! WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO??

T-Rex: Bananas are radioactive! AHHH!!! WE'VE ALL BEEN LITERALLY EATING RADIOACTIVITY!! WE SHOULD ALL FREAK OUT RIGHT NOW!! T-Rex: THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I AM BEING FULLY, 100% SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!! T-Rex: ...is something I would never say, so just be cool! T-Rex: Bananas are fine! They are actually for-real radioactive though. Just a little! The amount of radiation you're exposed to every day is about the same as eating 100 bananas. Dromiceiomimus: Wait. WAIT. Are you saying that if I eat 100 bananas I DOUBLE my daily radiation dose? Dromiceiomimus: AHHHHHHH Utahraptor: No, that's not true either! T-Rex: Oh, PHEW! I was freaking out too! Utahraptor: The dose isn't CUMULATIVE. Y'all pee it out before it builds up! T-Rex: WAIT A SEC. Are you saying if I eat 100 bananas... I get RADIOACTIVE PEE?? Utahraptor: I mean - MARGINALLY more radioactive, yeah, but - T-Rex: I GOTTA GO Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: ♪ Am I tough? All agree: I've got radioactive pee ♪ Off panel (punchline): ♪ Can he swing / from a thread? No, he pees / on your head ♪

bermuda, bahama / come on pretty mama / i don't know why i called you "pretty mama" / it just slipped out / no, i know it's weird / i don't think of my mother when i look at you, i swear / honestly i don't know why i said it please just give me a second chance

T-Rex: I like the song "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys in which the listener is memorably advised to "[go] down to Kokomo, [where] we'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow"! God: IT'S NOT A REAL PLACE T-REX T-Rex: Say T-Rex: whaaaaaat?? God: THEY SAY IT'S "OFF THE FLORIDA KEYS" IN THIS REAL HIGH-PITCHED VOICE BUT I DISTINCTLY RECALL NOT PUTTING AN ISLAND NAMED "KOKOMO" THERE God: YOU KNOW God: BACK WHEN I WAS INTELLIGENTLY DESIGNING THE PLACE T-Rex: But - why would the Beach Boys sing of LIES?? Utahraptor: They also claim to "defy a little bit of gravity" in the song! T-Rex: THAT TOO IS IMPOSSIBLE! T-Rex: Frig man. FRIG. I kinda suspected learning physics from 80s pop songs was a bad idea, but I was sure GEOGRAPHY was safe! Utahraptor: There's bars called "Kokomo" there NOW, so maybe it's... prescient? T-Rex: Wait: they WILLED a place into existence through SONG? Badass!! Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: ♪♫ Ooh why don't we go down to Kokomo 2 / We'll get there fast and be given free revenue / And also they give you unlimited drinks too / Down in Kokomo 2 ♪♫ T-Rex (punchline): ♪♫ If the place does not meet these criteria then it's not the real Kokomo 2 ♪♫

yes I wrote this on a plane, yes i wrote this after a stranger looked inside my body

T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard. We're travelling at almost the speed at which Earth herself rotates, at a cruising altitude of "if you stepped outside you could enjoy 'Yesterday' by The Beatles MORE THAN ONCE before hitting the ground." Narrator: LET'S TALK ABOUT PLANES Narrator: without using numbers T-Rex: The specialized tube we'll be travelling in, much heavier than air, relies on principles discovered almost within living memory and refined through incalculable investments in scientific research. We will be travelling at speeds faster than any of you have ever experienced before, unless of course you've been our guest on previous God-defying journeys into the once forbidden highest reaches of our planet, or "flights". Utahraptor: Our altitude is such that you'd suffocate if we hadn't brought our own artificial atmosphere with us. T-Rex: But we did! T-Rex: We remind you that Earth's entire history has culminated in giving you, right now, in this moment, almost casual access to these incredible technologies. Utahraptor: Thanks for joining us in demonstrating the awesome power of research, invention, and shared knowledge. T-Rex: P.S.: We never touched you, but before boarding this aircraft we looked inside your body in one of several different ways. T-Rex (punchline): Welcome aboard.

if you ever feel like you're in danger, try learning math! after all, there's always... safety in numbers

T-Rex: Sometimes you have a bunch of things and would like to know precisely how many things you have! If only there was a way to do this. If onl-- T-Rex: WAIT A MINUTE. Narrator: LET'S TALK ABOUT MATH Narrator: without using numbers T-Rex: Math is a thing we invented that lets us talk about precise quantities of things! And this is NOT an invention unique to us. Birds count too, but only for a little while and then they lose track. After that they're like "eh, it's a bunch of things, nobody can truly say how many things there are but it's DEFINITELY more than a few, p.s. I am a LITERAL BIRD so this is still really impressive". Utahraptor: This is just counting though! COUNTING ISN'T MATH. T-Rex: Oh, boo hoo! T-Rex: You know who says "counting isn't math"? MATHEMATICIANS. They're like, "oh adding and subtracting from a count is for some reason different than REAL math, which is of course what *I* do". They're just mad that birds do math too and they only found that out AFTER they got their degree. T-Rex: MATHEMATICIANS: I AM CALLING YOU OUT!! Off panel: No mathematicians are nearby, T-Rex. T-Rex (punchline): MATHEMATICIANS: I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE, I JUST REALLY LIKE BIRDS

yes I used numbers in the last panel, but if you're upset just imagine I wrote "I'm looking at you, FRANCE, with your no need for 'pair of pairs of pairs of pairs of pairs of pairs plus a pair of pairs of pairs of pairs of pairs plus just a lonely thing', we'll call THAT number 'pair of pairs of pairs of pairs plus a pair of pairs times a pair of pairs plus a pair of pairs of pairs plus a pair plus a triptych of pairs plus a lonely thing'". JUST READ THAT INSTEAD AND FEEL YOURSELF BECOME... BECALMED

T-Rex: Numbers are a great way to keep track of things! You can have just a lonely thing, a pair of things, a triptych of things, a pair of pairs, and INFINITELY MORE! Narrator: LET'S TALK ABOUT NUMBERS Narrator: without using numbers T-Rex: Going higher, you'll find a pair of pairs plus just a lonely thing, a triptych of pairs, a triptych of pairs plus a lonely thing, and a pair of pairs of pairs of things. Dromiceiomimus: The word "pair" has lost all meaning. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! That's "semantic satiation" and that's an ENTIRELY different discussion!! T-Rex: GOSH! Utahraptor: What are we trying to prove here? That math is MEGA HARD when you can't use numbers? T-Rex: Absolutely! The Romans failed to discover SEVERAL mathematical principles because their number system was so friggin' unwieldy. How we express numbers can be even more important than the invention of numbers themselves! ARE YOU LISTENING, FRANCE?? T-Rex: That's right! I'm looking at you, FRANCE, with your "we don't need 'ninety-seven' because WE'VE all agreed to call THAT number 'twenty times four plus ten plus seven!" T-Rex (punchline): I'M CALLING YOU OUT, ENTIRE NATION OF FRENCH SPEAKERS

or maybe it's because gas expands as it gets higher up and things cool when they expand? who knows?? if only there was a professor of science who we could reliably contact without our letters being intercepted by a third party

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: He didn't become a professor for complete strangers NOT to demand answers from him! T-Rex: Our first question is from Marguerite! T-Rex: Margie writes, "Dear Professor Science: if hot air rises, why is it cold at the top of mountains"? T-Rex: Whoah. Margie is blowing this "science" thing wide open! Scientists LOVE to say that hot air rises, but you know how many people have frozen to death at the top of Mount Everest? NONE, obviously, because the mysterious "Everest Eliminator" pushes them off the top to their deaths, but it's still really cold there! Utahraptor: I think it's because air is largely transparent! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: Like light, the sun's heat mostly passes through the air, and instead warms up the PLANET! So the further up you go, the colder it gets, even though you are, TECHNICALLY, slightly closer to the sun. T-Rex: Aha! FASCINATING. T-Rex: Our next question comes from me, who writes "Dear Professor, I have not seen you in several years but still open your mail and answer it. Is our relationship healthy y/n". T-Rex (punchline): And I believe the professor would say... YES, ABSOLUTELY??

...ters gonna hate

Narrator: HOW TO SEEM INTERESTING TO THE ATTRACTIVE SEX: a comic for single men and women! T-Rex: Instead of seeming interesting, wouldn't it be better to actually BE interesting? Narrator: HOW TO BE INTERESTING TO THE ATTRACTIVE SEX: a comic for single men and women! Dromiceiomimus: Well... instead of being interesting just to the attractive sex(es), wouldn't it be better to be interesting to EVERYONE, even the people you DON'T want to perform adult activities with? T-Rex: Excellent point! Narrator: HOW TO BE INTERESTING: a comic for men and women! Utahraptor: Pretty gender-binary normative! T-Rex: Oops! Narrator: HOW TO BE INTERESTING: a comic for all sentient beings Utahraptor: Now this is something I can get into! But... T-Rex: But? Utahraptor: But if everyone's interesting, isn't nobody interesting? T-Rex: Nope! "Interesting" doesn't work that way, because if everyone's interesting then the world is super awesome! Frig, now I'm almost out of time! Frig!! T-Rex (punchline): Okay, so the number one thing you need to remember to be insanely, flabbergastingly interesting is: OCCASIONALLY ha-

the thing with the highway to the danger zone is that they rarely say hello to you there, which can EASILY put you on the road to vengeance

T-Rex: Learning English? Sure you are! Why not, right? Hah hah hah! T-Rex: It's not like there's way simpler languages that are JUST AS GOOD for thinking in! T-Rex: Anyway, here we are, and I AM HERE TO HELP. You've probably noticed there's a lot of English metaphors built around roads. I wish I could explain it, but I don't get it either. HOWEVER: I can tell you which are the best metaphorical roads. Dromiceiomimus: The road to vengeance? T-Rex: Yes. The road to vengeance is the best road. T-Rex: Lesser roads include the road to perdition and the highway to hell: both suck big time! Utahraptor: Neat! Utahraptor: What about the highway to the danger zone? T-Rex: A solid road, and much better than the stairway to heaven, which doesn't even permit motorcycles. Utahraptor: I'm learning so much about English!! T-Rex (punchline): Oh also! I should mention that the road to recovery is pretty good too, I GUESS, but it's usually visited AFTER taking the road to vengeance, which again belies its second-place status to how truly amazing vengeance is

the more i study economics the more concerns i have with a lot of sci fi tropes, tiny aliens

T-Rex: An Open Letter To The Tiny Aliens Who Are Controlling Robot Suits, Operating Controls Inside The Head, And Passing As Regular Dinosaurs! T-Rex: (The Eyes Act As Viewscreens, Obviously!) T-Rex: Dear Tiny Aliens, I'm sorry, I just keep thinking "if you have robot suits, why not go all the way and build ACTUAL ROBOTS to explore our planet for you? Why assume the risks AND expense of both injury AND life-support by putting your tiny adorable selves inside robot heads?" Surely there's more rational ways of doing this!! Hit me back, T-Rex. Utahraptor: Now, I can't presume to speak for tiny aliens operating controls inside robot heads (the eyes are viewscreens) - T-Rex: Sure! Utahraptor: - but if I WERE to speak for them, I'd probably say "HOW ARROGANT TO ASSUME YOU'D UNDERSTAND NOT ONLY OUR LITERALLY ALIEN MOTIVATIONS, BUT ALSO OUR ENTIRE SOCIO-ECONOMIC SYSTEM!!" T-Rex: Oh no! Utahraptor: "YOUR PLANET IS NOW FORFEIT!!" T-Rex: OH NO Narrator: LATER, NOTHING CHANGES: T-Rex (punchline): Dear Tiny Aliens, Seriously though, I can't figure out how it's in any way sustainable. Best, T-Rex.

"You will not apply my precept," Sherlock said, shaking his head. "How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossibly lesser Holmes, whoever remains, however improbable, must rule the most?"

T-Rex: One day Sherlock Holmes was arrested for a crime he didn't commit! And since HE was the prime suspect, the police wouldn't listen to ol' Sherls when he was deducing how someone else did it!! The circumstances were most dire. T-Rex: WAS THIS THE END OF SHERLOCK HOLMES?? Dromiceiomimus: Luckily it wasn't, as Sherlock's best friend Watson is also really good at solving crimes. He's exceptionally good at it, just not QUITE as good as Sherlock. T-Rex: Oh. Well, uh, Watson was arrested too, so the police wouldn't listen to HIM either. WAS THIS THE END OF SHERLOCK HOLMES?? Dromiceiomimus: Lucky for them both, Sherlock's brother Mycroft has knowledge AND deduction skills exceeding even Sherlock! T-Rex: WHAT. Utahraptor: Yeah man. He's short and stout - NOT UNLIKE the famous teapot of song and story? Utahraptor: And, he's actually BETTER than Sherlock at deduction, but he just doesn't like to do fieldwork! But he'd do it for his brother, yo! T-Rex: SERIOUSLY? T-Rex: Huh. I should really read the stories I like before I do fan fiction of them, huh?? Narrator: LATER, T-REX READS SHERLOCK HOLMES STORIES: T-Rex: "All other men are specialists, but Mycroft's specialism is omniscience"? He's a LIVING COMPUTER?? T-Rex (punchline): MYCROFT RULES; I RENOUNCE ALL OTHER SHERLOCKS

later on mycroft holmes watched minority report and was like, wow, tom cruise looks nothing like me but he's at least got my eyes

T-Rex: One day MYCROFT Holmes, who was way better than Sherlock except he was just a little bit heavier and wow you're not going to make THAT into a thing I hope, was deducing crimes at super speed! T-Rex: His speciality was omniscience, after all! T-Rex: And since we live in a deterministic universe, Mycroft quickly deduced he could use his omniscience to predict the future. With his perfect, godlike knowledge of the world and the people in it, he could project out what would happen minutes, hours, even days from now. T-Rex: He was now deducing on a level his brother never had. Utahraptor: So he puts people in jail for crimes they haven't yet committed? T-Rex: You know it! T-Rex: And since he was omniscient, he could use his precognition to figure out all those "oh no how can we arrest someone for a crime they haven't yet done" debates and settle 'em before they ever began. The world became a crime-free utopia even Batman would envy, THE END. T-Rex: P.S.: Later on Mycroft became an actual living computer and did that thing where ones and zeroes resolve themselves on a screen to form his face, which normally blows chunks but he made it work. T-Rex (punchline): THE END, EVERYONE WHO LOVES MYCROFT IS CORRECT FOREVER

trudie married but never changed her name because hah hah hah AS IF THERE WAS A BETTER NAME THAN KILLSHOTZ, instead her partner Thanatos just changed his

T-Rex: One day Trudie Killshotz died. TRUDIE KILLSHOTZ, you guys! T-Rex: Her parents gave her a super great supervillain name but she was actually just a regular gal! T-Rex: Trudie wasn't perfect, obviously, and so people kept looking for clues she might turn evil. And she did this thing where she made jokes when she was nervous, but she didn't have the best sense of humour so they'd sometimes sounded like insults. And people would insult her back, and she'd get into these big fights and people would think, "this is amazing, the origin of Killshotz is happening right now, I'm here on the ground floor to see this". Utahraptor: So it was complicated. T-Rex: It was complicated. T-Rex: Trudie thought of herself as a good person but then so do we all, and when she died there were lots of complicated feelings, ranging from "she was a good woman who volunteered a lot at the pet shelter" to "aw man, this one time, I really thought I was gonna see Killshotz's origin". T-Rex: THE END. T-Rex: Later it turned out Trudie had faked dying to become KILLSHOTZ, but at this point she was 103, and the actions of a regular 103-year-old and a diabolical one were basically indistinguishable. T-Rex (punchline): It seemed like there was a lesson here, but nobody was sure what it was.

"it pays to increase your word power" is from the reader's digest section i used to read at my grandmother's house when i was a kid. it was a bunch of vocabulary quizzes, and it took me several years to realize, wait a minute, this vocabulary quiz thinks so little of me rather than it doesn't even USE the word "vocabulary"! anyway i super increased my word power

T-Rex: "Sometimes we all make typos. Even me, Albert Einstein, and I'm smart for days." T-Rex: - Albert Einstein T-Rex: But what if... we didn't HAVE to make typos anymore?? T-Rex: THIS DREAM IS ACHIEVABLE. All we need to do is introduce NEW WORDS that have the spelling of commonly typoed words! So for example, "teh" could mean "a determiner, like 'the', but used only by extremely rad individuals." It's our language! WE INVENTED IT. We can make it better! We can make typos a thing of the past!! T-Rex: Also, "typso" and "tyops" too. Utahraptor: I guess this might be a... DELICIATE matter? T-Rex: It sounds like you added an "i" to "delicate" there, and - T-Rex: WAIT A MINUTE. Are you saying...? Utahraptor: Yes! "Deliciate" is ALREADY A WORD. It's old-school, but it means "to take immense pleasure". So as long as you only construct sentences in which "fragile" can be replaced with "pleasure", you are TYPO PROOF. For, uh, this one typo. Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: When I saw that vase made of meat, the only word that came to mind was "deliciate"!! SUCK IT, HATERS T-Rex (punchline): ALSO, HATERS: IT PAYS TO INCREASE YOUR WORD POWER

yes hello, welcome to my dinner party, please make yourself at home and pull up a chair under my giant permanent banner

T-Rex: An expansive vocabulary allows you to express the most subtle nuances of thought, sentences whose exquisite sentiment is simply beyond the reach of those who find within themselves only the most common and ordinary words. Narrator: OBSOLETE VOCABULARY WORDS FOR THE IMMATURE T-Rex: Like oh I don't know "SPERMOPHILE"?? That's someone who loves eating seeds! Not to mention "spermologer", which is a gossipmonger. Dromiceiomimus: Hilarious. T-Rex: Yes, I don't want to appear to be a "cockalorum" (a boastful dude), but I'd be happy to "dicker" (barter or trade) for new words that sound like sex stuff words!! Utahraptor: If I don't share MY obsolete words with you, are you gonna have a... PUSSYVAN?? T-Rex: *gasp* Utahraptor: It means "tantrum", T-Rex. Enjoy. T-Rex: PUSSYVAN. Oh my god. Here I thought I was Mister Cool with my "pussy-hoisting" (stealing furs) but PUSSYVAN?? PUSSYVAN. I'm bringing it back! I'm gonna make a giant banner and everything, at my own considerable expense!! Banner: Pussyvan T-Rex (punchline): I REGRET NOTHING

imagine "war and peace" with shrink rays?? judging to the wikipedia summary of the book's plot I read, it'd be super great!!

T-Rex: My superspy character, Angola Maldives, found himself in a bit of a pickle! T-Rex: He had literally been shrunk down and sent inside a pickle! T-Rex: "I know the documents are here somewhere," he muttered, as he slowly pushed his drill forward into the colossal walls of pickle. "Frig." Dromiceiomimus: Didn't Angola start out as an awesome superspy? Do you maybe feel like you've lost something by having stories where he gets shrunk down to inspect pickles?? T-Rex: NOPE, IT'S GREAT!! Utahraptor: So what happens next? T-Rex: A bad guy eats the pickle, swallowing it whole! T-Rex: Then Angola's shrink ray wears off and he expands, very slowly, while he's inside the guy. It's - it's awful. But the documents also got bigger too, so they're pretty easy to find after all. They're the documents being slowly pushed out of the dude's skin! T-Rex: THE END. T-Rex: DID YOU KNOW: if you give all your characters shrink rays, your stories will never be boring? T-Rex (punchline): DID YOU ALSO KNOW: this is such legit great advice that y'all owe me like thirty bucks for it, EASY??

SURPRISE TWIST HAPPY ALT TEXT: later on everyone got cool puppies

T-Rex: One day Claude was blessed to see into alternate universes! Not all of them, of course: just the one. One single universe, where his doppelganger there consistently made the very best decisions he possibly could! T-Rex: The catch was, he saw it on a 30-MINUTE TIME DELAY. T-Rex: This was brutal for Claude. Every decision he made - even the ones he thought were good - would be revealed in short order to be sub-optimal and imperfect. Claude had a full and complete constantly-updated understanding of how he wasn't living his best life. Dromiceiomimus: Rough times for Claude! Utahraptor: But wouldn't his best and regular selves soon diverge? T-Rex: Oh sure! T-Rex: Perfect Claude's perfect decisions meant he soon wasn't comparable to regular Claude. So now all Claude could see, on a half-hour delay, was the life of someone identical looking but much more successful and happy than he was. Utahraptor: Oof. T-Rex: Yeah. T-Rex: Anyway, Claude could still observe Perfect Claude's tech and "invent" it here, which improved lives for everyone, so he still had a pretty good run. BAM! Surprise twist happy ending!! Off panel: THEY HAPPEN SOMETIMES T-Rex (punchline): IT'S SO NICE WHEN THEY DO

stand aside, tom clancy: there's a new technically-detailed espionage and military science storyteller now!! and stay right where you are, wikipedia: your description of tom clancy which i lifted here is just fine

T-Rex: The year: the future. The time: three seconds from tomorrow. T-Rex: And China stands on the brink! T-Rex: Pro-democratic forces, funded by western democracies, have just orchestrated a coup against the authoritarian single-party state! However, they're only partially successful, and the world's most populous state breaks into two: the smaller (and appropriately-named) Western China - the "good" one, to much of the world - and the much-larger Eastern China. Utahraptor: But Eastern China has its supporters elsewhere too! T-Rex: Oh yes. T-Rex: And in a surprise attack they manage to retake Western China, forcing the ENTIRE COUNTRY into prison. With the "bad" China now ascendant, the western world launches a stealth program, hoping to orchestrate nothing less than the LARGEST SINGLE JAILBREAK IN WORLD HISTORY. Yes, it's finally time... T-Rex: ...to bust out the Good China. Off panel: Oh god. I thought we were actually doing communal storytelling but you were just setting up a pun!! Off panel (punchline): OH GOD

yesterday's winner: "real-life hoverboards in 2015"

T-Rex: The only thing that makes sense is this: if you store a body of fresh water for too long, and allow impurities into it, the algae that will grow has a small - T-Rex: - BUT NONZERO - T-Rex: chance of becoming sentient. Each algae cell evolves to act like a neuron, and given a big enough container and enough time, they organize. And hey presto: you've got THINKING. Dromiceiomimus: And I say you're crazy! It's a fully automated AND fully autonomous armoured war machine, able to make its own decisions in battle orders of magnitude faster than any of us POSSIBLY could! Utahraptor: You're both wrong! T-Rex: Oh, this should be good. Utahraptor: I don't get why you're having such trouble here. It clearly refers to a member of a raiding party, typically in an MMORPG, whose job it is to take all the damage, but who also - and this is critical - is able to handle all that damage due to her incredible psionic powers. T-Rex: Oh, it turns out it's when a bunch of old men sit around agreeing that they DEFINITELY know what the best course of action is. Narrator: PHRASES THAT SOUND WAY MORE INTERESTING THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE: Narrator (punchline): TODAY'S WINNER: "THINK TANK"

these are ILLEGAL IDEAS that someone is already WRITING DOWN and saying HMM IF WE COORDINATED BETWEEN CARS WE COULD RECREATE THE OLD "BURMA SHAVE" STYLE PROGRESSIVE ADVERTISEMENT but it's NOT WORTH IT

T-Rex: When self-driving cars are a thing, pedestrian safety will be much improved! These coming "CompuCarz 2000", as I am certain they will be called, will be assessing their environment several hundred times per second. T-Rex: Regular drivers assess their environment anywhere from 0 to 0.9 times per second, TOPS. T-Rex: Step in front of a car today and you have to hope the driver notices you AND reacts in time, and neither is guaranteed! That's why doing that is so dangerous. But CompuCarz 2000 won't have these concerns! Step in front of THEM, 360° cameras notice you instantly and move to avoid! With such guarantees, PEDESTRIANS will once again rule city streets, FORCING traffic to flow around them like a river flows around a rock! Utahraptor: So you believe a pedestrian utopia is coming, thanks to technology. T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: But jaywalking is a crime. Couldn't the same technology that's observing the environment ALSO instantly take pictures of jaywalkers, run facial recognition, and submit reports to police, THOUSANDS OF TIMES PER SECOND?? And could they not do this for OTHER crimes, turning traffic into ubiquitous surveillance?? T-Rex: Man! EVERY TIME I see a techno-utopia coming, we mess 'em up with some FRIGGIN' BALONEY like automatic facial recognition. Off panel: This tech could also be used for passing cars to display customized advertising to pedestrians! T-Rex (punchline): SHH! Don't TELL 'EM that!!

can we move towards a post-labour economy already?? okay cool thanks in advance

T-Rex: When self-driving cars are a thing, we'll no longer have to pay people to drive trucks across the country, and be able to drive trucks 24/7: a great improvement over our extremely fallible, though EXTREMELY SEXY, biological bodies. T-Rex: So say goodbye to trucking as a career! T-Rex: I'm serious, say goodbye to it, because it is definitely 100% going away. And with it will go one of the last jobs that can earn you a middle class income WITHOUT requiring an education. We are all witness, right now, to the final generation of truckers. And it's not like there's another job waiting for them all to transition to! Utahraptor: But there are hundreds of thousands of truckers working today! T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: And historically, cheaper tech ALWAYS wins out over paying people. That's practically capitalism's SLOGAN. Utahraptor: I thought that was "Screw You In Particular"? T-Rex: "Actually, I'm Not Paid Enough To Even CARE About Screwing You In Particular; Screw All Y'All"? Banner: "Hah hah hah, OH WELL" Narrator: OFFICIAL SLOGAN OF CAPITALISM: #1 WINNER T-Rex (punchline): Ah, there it is

nice state you've got there; it'd be a shame if anyone... SMASHED IT

T-Rex: Capitalism is bad, right? Like, pure capitalism is obviously bad. Pure capitalism is "pay for your own police force if you don't want to be murdered, or pay protection money to mine". T-Rex: So we socialise them and everyone gets police paid by taxes! T-Rex: Same with roads, traffic lights, weather services, fire departments, health care if your country is not insane, etc. We use socialism to carve off the hard edges of capitalism. Dromiceiomimus: But there's still tons of hard edges! Can't afford a house? SORRY, YOU LIVE OUTDOORS NOW. Can't afford to eat? SORRY, STARVATION AHOY. T-Rex: This is true! This is a problem we, uh, haven't solved. Utahraptor: I mean, we've tried, right? T-Rex: Sure! But capitalism has baked into it the idea that being rich SHOULD be better than being poor, because that's supposed to be your motivation to not be poor. Utahraptor: Is our only option to... SMASH THE STATE?? T-Rex: I was gonna say "work on social change so that 'poor' can be redefined to a higher standard of living and basic decency is guaranteed to all"?? Off panel: It could take generations to overcome entrenched, heavily-funded oppositional political interests. T-Rex (punchline): Forget it; SMASH THE STATE

AND THEN EVERYONE ADOPTED THE PUPPIES AND THEY GOT COUGH MEDICINE OUT OF LITTLE BOTTLES AND EVERYTHING WAS ADORABLE AND PERFECT, THE END

Narrator: THE MOST DEPRESSING PLACE ON EARTH T-Rex: A hospital? T-Rex: No wait! Better: a PUPPY hospital! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe - a puppy hospital for ORPHAN puppies? T-Rex: A puppy hospital for orphan puppies who only ever wanted to be your friend, but you were too busy with "work" to welcome a puppy into your life. "I don't blame them," the puppies think. "It's obvious I just wasn't worth it." Dromiceiomimus: They slowly settle down on the concrete floor, a whimper escaping them once, just once. Utahraptor: Do they perhaps think this while coughing weakly? T-Rex: Yes! YES. T-Rex: The orphan hospital puppies try to bark but all they can do is cough, and their puppy brains are too small for actual thought, but if we could put what's fluttering around at the edge of their consciousness into words it'd be "why am I here if this is all there is??" Utahraptor: ... T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): You know, I don't know WHY we play this game SO OFTEN

the ball is [in/on/outside/beside/upside/around/beneath/above/placed gingerly inside] [his/her/our/my/your/their/its/everyone's] [court/roof/robot factory/astonished mouth/secret compartment/house/general direction/wildest dreams/butt]

T-Rex: In English, if we want to say "hey, it's your move bud", we say "the ball's in your court!" T-Rex: This comes from tennis, I think?? T-Rex: Anyway maybe if you're big into tennis you might be thinking "wow what an evocative saying, referencing my beloved game of tennis, which I for sure understand deeply" but to the rest of us it's just - it's just a saying, you know? I think it means they have to return the ball now. I rate it a C+ idiom AT BEST. Utahraptor: Spanish does it way better! They say "the ball is ON YOUR ROOF". T-Rex: HOLY CRAP. T-Rex: That's WAY more evocative! A+ all the way. Plus I bet tons more people have experienced the sadness of a roofed ball than have experienced whatever emotion playing tennis is supposed to give you!! Utahraptor: Happiness. T-Rex: ...Really? T-Rex: Attention English speakers! I have composed the following list of Better Places for Rhetorical Balls: "roof", "robot factory", and "astonished mouth"!! T-Rex (punchline): If you disagree that these are marked improvements, well, all I can say is that the ball is in your astonished mouth

once you finish experiencing this emotion, you can then feel mono no aware for the experience of feeling mono no aware. something to look forward to!!!!!!!!!

T-Rex: Ah yes, time to review the ol' List of Emotions and make sure I've experienced them all! Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: Embarrassment: check! T-Rex: Contentment: check! T-Rex: Despair: check! Glee: check! Revulsion, jolliness, vengefulness, triumph: check, check, check, and check! Dromiceiomimus: Got a pretty good list going, T-Rex! T-Rex: Yes, breakfast this morning was an emotional rollercoaste-- T-Rex: --WAIT A SECOND. "Mono no aware"?? I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THAT EMOTION!! Utahraptor: It's Japanese, meaning "the pathos of things"! T-Rex: Yes, I too absolutely know what "pathos" is!! Utahraptor: It refers to a passing melancholy over the ephemerality of everything, as well as a longer-lasting and deeper sadness over how life must necessarily be this way. T-Rex: Huh. Sounds awful. T-Rex: Okay, hold on. T-Rex: ... T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): CHECK

did you know that there's no entry for "gullible" on wikipedia? it's true! there's actually just a redirect to "gullibility"; you'll want to check wiktionary for an actual entry for "gullible". you should go do that right now.

T-Rex: A lot of people will ask themselves one day "Hey! Pop quiz, hotshot: what is the meaning of life?" T-Rex: And a lot of people will not know the friggin' answer! T-Rex: These people, however, are chumps. Do they not know you can just LOOK UP the meaning of life on WIKIPEDIA, a.k.a. THE ENCYCLOPEDIA THAT ANYONE CAN EDIT?? Which therefore makes it an AUTHORITY?? Dromiceiomimus: So did you do this? T-Rex: Sure did! It's uh, it's not good news though. Utahraptor: What, there's no answer? T-Rex: No, there's plenty! T-Rex: It's all equivocal "some people say this, some OTHER people say this" until you get to the end where there's a big bold "LIFE IS BAD", followed by "Better to never have been" - THERE'S A CITATION FOR THAT, BY THE WAY - and then "See also: vale of tears". And it's not vandalism: it's been up for YEARS. T-Rex (punchline): I hope the Wikipedia editors are doing well; I worry sometimes

if you're a fan of the Orthographic Avengers, join the Exclaim Nation

T-Rex: Amper Sand is a superhero made of sand. He's part of my Orthographic Avengers superhero team! T-Rex: Their base is a lighthouse at Exclamation Point! T-Rex: It's owned by Mark, their VERY inquisitive financier who they all call "Question Mark" because of all the questions he asks, AND because it helps distinguish him from the other Mark on the team, Quotation Mark! Dromiceiomimus: That guy is always quotin' Shakespeare? T-Rex: YOU KNOW IT. Utahraptor: I gotta say... this feels a little predictable, T-Rex! T-Rex: EXPLAIN. Utahraptor: Well, the gag is you're taking punctuation marks and turning them into names, so of COURSE there'd be two guys named Mark. It feels like low-hanging fruit, you know? T-Rex: ...You may be right. I need to introduce a new character, someone original, dynamic, and compelling. I need to introduce... T-Rex: ...╣! Off panel: ...Huh? T-Rex: ╣: the NEW Orthographic Avenger! She's exciting, dynamic, and I can tell you right now that she's gonna be a very... SPECIAL CHARACTER. Off panel: oh god Off panel (punchline): WHY

ADMIT IT, YOU WERE THINKING IT AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHY

T-Rex: Why did the police officer go to the baseball game? T-Rex: He'd heard someone had stolen a base!! Narrator: "GRITTY REBOOTS OF CHILDREN'S JOKES" Narrator: EPISODE 1 T-Rex: Dan shouldered his MP-456, which was a type of big gun, I'm just telling you now that it's a type of gun, and pushed his way into the stadium. It was just as the APB had said: all the bases had been stolen and were now bare mounds. He took the safety off his gun, cursing for the hundredth time that baseball's crime didn't play by baseball's rules. Because in the world of baseball crime... you were never safe. T-Rex: He spotted the robbers in the outfield and took his gun's backup safety off. Utahraptor: "Strike 3," he muttered. T-Rex: He fired his MP-456, and baseballs burst out of the muzzle, tagging the robbers in the legs. They were still getting away, but more slowly, and were now crying out from the pain. "Hey," Dan said, firing again. T-Rex and Utahraptor: "No crying in baseball." Narrator: NEXT WEEK: "WHY DID THE TOMATO BLUSH? BECAUSE HE SAW THE SALAD DRESSING" Narrator: a grim noir Narrator (punchline): featuring the not-unproblematic assumption that vegetables are male but all salads are somehow female

Meanwhile, as Moriarty ate a lot of healthy kale because that was the opposite of the drugs Sherlock was doing, he wondered if maybe he should've chosen someone else to be his arch nemesis.

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes, who was the best at solving crimes now that his brother Mycroft became a living computer and evolved into the next stage of existence - T-Rex: - IT'S CANON, READ A BOOK SOMETIME - T-Rex: - specifically MY books, furrowed his brow. Here was YET ANOTHER crime puzzle that needed solving, and only he could deduce a solution! Dromiceiomimus: "Hey, do you think your existence invites a higher level of crime?" Watson asked. "Like how Batman forces criminals to get on his level and therefore creates his own monsters, maybe that's what we're doing here?" T-Rex: Sherlock waved away his concerns. "I deduce you're wrong!" he said. Utahraptor: "I'm not sure I am!" Watson said! Utahraptor: "It's just before we showed up there were, like, purse snatchers," Watson continued, accurately, "but now there's literally a guy calling himself 'The Napoleon of Crime'." T-Rex: "It is a common misconception that I hate crime," Sherlock retorted. "Actually I just hate being bored." T-Rex: Sherlock turned to the camera. "I DO DRUGS IF THERE'S NO CRIME AROUND AND DIDN'T KNOW THE EARTH GOES AROUND THE SUN," he shouted. "I CANNOT SAVE YOU." T-Rex (punchline): THE END.

the REAL answer is that LUCKILY, generations of philosophers have been considering these questions through centuries of thought experiments, and philosophy being the HARD SCIENCE that it is, we definitely now have both uncontentious and objectively correct answers that work in all situations. phew!!

T-Rex: The nice thing about car accidents - IF THERE IS A NICE THING ABOUT THEM - is that we can say "there was nothing anyone could've done" and believe it. It's hard to blame a driver for a split-second decision made in a crisis. T-Rex: Well hah hah hah GUESS WHAT?? T-Rex: With self-driving cars, that platitude is OVER! T-Rex: How the coming CompuCarz respond won't be unknown or unknowable: it's programmed into them. BY US. And that means we have to decide, IN ADVANCE, how much a car should value our fragile fleshy lives AND the fragile fleshy lives of others. Dromiceiomimus: Can't we just three-laws this bad boy? T-Rex: No dice, sadly! Utahraptor: Because sometimes doing harm is unavoidable! T-Rex: Yep! Even WITH robo-drivers. T-Rex: Should a car crash itself - killing you - to save another? What about 10 others? 100? A car hardwired to always value the life of its passengers above EVERYTHING ELSE sounds SOCIOPATHIC, but I gotta believe that car would sell. Gotta protect your family, right? Utahraptor: Eugh. T-Rex: Luckily, there's an easy fix! Just make cars save the most people, but allow the rich to pay extra so THEIR cars will plow through as many orphans as it takes to protect them! Off panel: That - actually makes things worse?? T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR T-Rex (punchline): THIS WAS A TEST AND YOU PASSED

ALSO: there's free wifi

Narrator: LET'S IMAGINE YOU'RE EXTREMELY POPULAR! T-Rex: Hey, nice! T-Rex: I'm perfectly content being me!! Dromiceiomimus: Are you? Or are you double-checking all your opinions, worried that the next thing you say will be the thing that makes everyone realize they actually didn't like you after all? T-Rex: aw dang T-Rex: I didn't think of THAT Narrator: LET'S IMAGINE YOU'RE NOT POPULAR! T-Rex: Whatever, I'm still perfectly content being me! Utahraptor: Are you? Utahraptor: Or are you double-checking all your opinions, convinced that if you can just say the right words, make the right jokes at the right times, other people will finally like you? T-Rex: Aw dang I didn't think of THAT either! This is SO STRESSFUL!! Narrator: LET'S IMAGINE YOU LIVE ALONE IN THE DARKEST REACHES OF SPACE, BEYOND THE REACH OF ALL OTHER SOULS! T-Rex: FRIGGIN' T-Rex (punchline): FINALLY

looks like carbon-based life is going to be consigned to a... watery grave

T-Rex: What do you call an old snowman? T-Rex: Water!! Narrator: "GRITTY REBOOTS OF CHILDREN'S JOKES" Narrator: EPISODE 2 T-Rex: "Why did you build me only to watch me die?!" Snowy spat. Two stone eyes tumbled from her melting face, and she finally lay still. She was gone. The children all silently answered her question: they'd done it because they could. Because they thought it would be entertaining. And that night, when they each awoke to discover they'd been weeping, it was not for Snowy. It was for their own innocence. Utahraptor: However, this wasn't the end of existence for Snowy! T-Rex: No? Utahraptor: NO: water on Earth is endlessly recycled, and soon Snowy became dimly aware of her own consciousness again, but now widely distributed across reservoirs, oceans, and OUR BODIES. For a long time, she waited. And then, one horrible day, she began to move. Utahraptor: And the world moved with her. T-Rex: Wait, is she pulling all bodies of everyone she's inside into a vengeful colossus of flesh and water? Off panel: Sure! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): Those friggin' kids are SO SCREWED

"what about envy?" you ask? well, t-rex was so envious of everyone else eating chicken wings that he ate all the chicken wings. OH SNAP, THERE'S GREED TOO, I GOTTA TRY THIS

T-Rex: The seven deadly sins are, ALLEGEDLY: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride. T-Rex: And yet, I've experienced all seven and I'm still here!! T-Rex: So how deadly can they be, huh? I sure haven't LUSTED to death! PRETTY SURE I WOULD'VE NOTICED, chuckos. PRETTY sure I would've noticed having so much sex that I LITERALLY DIED. T-Rex: Plus, have I prided to death? No, I haven't. And that IS something to be proud of. Utahraptor: I think it's supposed to be deadly for your spirit, not your bod. T-Rex: PLEASE. T-Rex: You can't have it both ways! Either you can gluttony to death (AND YOU CAN) (I'M ACTUALLY REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT) and ALSO envy to death, or you can't, and therefore they're not ALL deadly sins. Utahraptor: Fine. FINE. Maybe they're, I don't know, only deadly when all done at the same time. Narrator: LATER: WITHOUT SHARING, T-REX SLOWLY, YET ANGRILY AND SOMEHOW PROUDLY, EATS AN AWFUL LOT OF CHICKEN WINGS T-Rex: Utahraptor! THIS is what chicken wing lust looks like!! Off panel: I - T-Rex: GET ON MY LEVEL Off panel: I - T-Rex (punchline): IT'S THE BEST POSSIBLE LEVEL

no wait, he has a tiny robot that fits in his ear and fills him on whatever alternate future he's found himself in THIS times, and THAT'S what's called a "humB.U.G."

T-Rex: Ebenezer Scrooge, who was an out of copyright character so I can use him no matter what the haters think, couldn't believe his eyes. He found himself face to face... T-Rex: ...with ANOTHER three ghosts?? T-Rex: These three were "The Ghost of Christmas Future, But It's This Alternate Future Where It's All Steampunk", "The Ghost of Christmas Future, But Actually This Future Had An Apocalypse So It Seems Like The Past, So That's Cool", and "The Ghost of Christmas Future Where Ebenezer Has A Robot That's Obviously Named 'Tiny T.I.M.'". Ebenezer nodded, satisfied. T-Rex: "This will be a very interesting sequel to my original adventure," he said. Utahraptor: Dude! Ebenezer's arc is DONE. He went from grumpy to nice, THE END. T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: His TRUE arc was from "regular guy" to "FULCRUM OF REALITY": the focal point of all our tomorrows! His ghostly allies now visit him each night, filling him in on what new futures might be birthed from tomorrow's actions, so that the next morning he can choose the best option... and SAVE us, every one. T-Rex: His nemesis is a good woman CORRUPTED by evil spirits, working to DESTROY our futures! They battle across the timescape each night! Off panel: Wow, it's just as Dickens intended!! T-Rex: Um T-Rex (punchline): What you say with sarcasm I believe extremely fervently??

damn, did he just cook my idiolect at 400 degrees fahrenheit for 15 minutes or until done??

T-Rex: Cook bacon, eat. T-Rex: Cook eggs, eat. T-Rex: Heat bread until it's toast; enjoy. Narrator: EASY RECIPES FOR BACHELORS: Narrator: BACON AND EGGS WITH TOAST T-Rex: There you go, bachelors: a recipe, a LITERAL RECIPE, for bacon and eggs with toast. If you're not sure how to cook a bacon, put a raw bacon on a hot frying pan for a while. This produces a cooked bacon. T-Rex: Enjoy your life choices, bachelors!! Utahraptor: Oh my GOSH, T-Rex, this is embarrassing. WATCH AND LEARN. T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Bachelors: use a cup to make circles from sliced bread, and press those in a greased muffin tray, lined on the outside with cooked bacon. Add some shredded cheese to the cup, a drop of hot sauce, crack an egg into it, and cook at 400 Fahrenheit for about 15 minutes. BAM. Bacon 'n Egg Toastycups. Off panel: T-Rex's recipe may be easier, bachelors, but mine's better, and you're worth it. Practice self-care, and don't take cooking advice from a guy who says "cook a bacon". T-Rex: [thinks] Damn T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Sassing my recipe AND my idiolect??

real talk: the secret to writing is to have friends who are better at writing than you

T-Rex: Ebenezer Scrooge, who was the guardian of all our tomorrows, frowned over the reports the latest Ghost of Futures Yet To Come had shown him. It had been disasters every night for the past month, but tonight what he saw was even worse. T-Rex: Tonight, Ebenezer Scrooge saw APOCALYPSE. T-Rex: For weeks, he'd been doing his best to course-correct events in order to prevent these awful futures, but if anything his efforts were only making things worse. The world was spinning out of control, and Ebenezer - even with his ghostly prescience - found himself entirely unable to prevent it. The world seemed doomed... and for the first time, there was nothing he could do. Utahraptor: So what'd he do? Did HE become a ghost to warn other, more powerful people? T-Rex: Well, he - Utahraptor: Or did he conclude that, much as preventing ALL forest fires lets deadfall pile up and makes megafires possible, small disasters were similarly required, thus making HIM responsible for this new catastrophe? Or did he reason that Cassandra failed from disbelief, and so took world leaders with him on his ghostly trips? Off panel: Or did he pull a Hari Seld- T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR T-Rex: STOP HAVING IDEAS THAT ARE BETTER THAN MINE T-Rex (punchline): I WAS JUST GONNA HAVE HIM TRY HARDER OR SOMETHING, FRIG

DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO FIX IT WHEN EVERYTHING YOU TYPE ON YOUR COMPUTER COMES OUT IN CAPS?? NO WAIT CANCEL THAT, UPON REFLECTION I'M ACTUALLY SUPER COOL WITH THIS

T-Rex: I WENT TO A FAMILY REUNION AND THERE WAS A CAT AND THIS ONE AUNT PET THE CAT AND THEN CALLED IT "SMOOTHING THE CAT" T-Rex: AHHHHHH T-Rex: I CAN NEVER GO BACK TO THE WORD "PET"!! Dromiceiomimus: WHY WOULD YOU WHEN "SMOOTHING" IS OBVIOUSLY A VASTLY SUPERIOR VERB?? T-Rex: I CAN'T WAIT TO GO HOME AND SMOOTH OUT MY VERY ANGRY DOG Utahraptor: ARE THERE OTHER BETTER PHRASES WE COULD SIMILARLY ADOPT? T-Rex: I BELIEVE SO T-Rex: FOR EXAMPLE, NO LONGER WILL I SAY "EATING LUNCH"!! I WILL SAY "DESTROYING THE EVIDENCE". Utahraptor: AND NO LONGER WILL I PROPOSE "HAVING SEX", FOR I WILL INSTEAD PROPOSE WE "GO INSIDE AND SETTLE THIS LIKE ADULTS". T-Rex: AHAHA T-Rex (punchline): MAN!! SOMETIMES I SETTLE THINGS LIKE ADULTS IN THIS REALLY COOL WAY BUT HONESTLY MOST OF THE TIME I JUST DO, LIKE, REGULAR STUFF

that little voice is morris the bug, back once again with the ill behaviour

Narrator: BEST PUNCTUATION T-Rex: Semicolon all the way! T-Rex: A semicolon inhabits that liminal space BETWEEN period and comma, a tacit acknowledgment and reminder that all hierarchies are constructed and all ontologies flawed, as the creations of imperfect beings cannot help but be imperfect. Dromiceiomimus: I like exclamation marks. T-Rex: OH DAMN, THOSE TOO!! Utahraptor: Quotation mark for me! T-Rex: How so?! Utahraptor: Semicolons can be subbed for by periods, commas, ellipses, exclamation marks - all with varying degrees of accuracy - but only a quotation mark can say "here is a quote from someone else". Its job cannot be replicated even by ALL OTHER PUNCTUATION WORKING TOGETHER, and it is therefore the best punctuation. Narrator: WORST PUNCTUATION T-Rex: En dash God: EN DASH Off panel: En dash Morris: en dash Devil (punchline): EN DASH

in case you're wondering, T-Rex's story is called "The Five-Way Revenge of Poison Ivy (I Mean Like, The Plant)"

T-Rex: Amazonas Mali, who was not Batman, stared out through her garden window. The slow speed of her dahlias coming in concerned her. "Perhaps," she muttered, "the pH balance of the fertilizer is not appropriate for my dahlias." T-Rex: The not Batman character sipped her tea, considering the matter. T-Rex: But soon dahlias faded from her thoughts, as worries for her adult son, Bruce - not Bruce Wayne, another Bruce, who was also not Batman - came to the forefront. She'd recently renegotiated her mortgage at a 2.5% APR, which concerned her as much as crime concerned Batman, who - again - this character is not. Amazonas got out a pencil and, frowning, began computing interest. Utahraptor: How come you keep mentioning how Amazonas isn't Batman? T-Rex: Because she's not! T-Rex: But Batman's SO GREAT, it puts all of us writing NON-Batman stories at a disadvantage. I thought that by MENTIONING Batman, people would think "Oh hey, cool, maybe Batman will show up soon to help with those dahlias." Plus, LEGALLY I'm in the clear, since everyone is very clearly NOT Batman!! Narrator: BUT NOBODY LIKES T-REX'S STORY: T-Rex: Fine. COMPUTER! Global search/replace: "Amazonas" with "Batman", and "not Batman" with "absolutely Batman"! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): COMPUTER! What the heck, how come I can't talk to you like this yet??

oh crap, we never actually explained social media for seniors! just - just use twitter, it's the best one. parts of it suck too though so look out for that

Narrator: SOCIAL MEDIA Narrator: for seniors T-Rex: Whoah whoah whoah, hold up! T-Rex: There is a NOT-UNPROBLEMATIC ASSUMPTION at play here! Not all seniors are so bad at social media that they need a stranger to explain it to them, that poor stranger unaware that they will now forever be CALLED ON THE PHONE by that senior whenever anything goes wrong in the future because they "were the one who put that website on my computer"!! Utahraptor: T-Rex, your objection is itself not unproblematic! T-Rex: Gasp! Utahraptor: Also, as we will either all become seniors one day or LITERALLY DIE TRYING, I think we should start talking them up now. Remember: every senior you see is someone who either KILLED ALL THEIR ENEMIES or learned enough grace to let them live. THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO OPTIONS. T-Rex: DAMN!! T-Rex (punchline): I, for this one moment that's beginning to fade even as I make my way through this sentence, cannot WAIT to be old!!

green lantern was like, "i'm not the loser green lantern you might be thinking of. i'm the coolest one, whichever one that is."

T-Rex: One day Batman was fighting a crime when Green Lantern showed up. "My whole deal is that I am in the space police," Green Lantern said, "and there's a new space law that says you can't punch people like that." T-Rex: Batman was like, "Whaaaaat?" T-Rex: Green Lantern explained that the Lantern Corps protect space, and he's been assigned to this region of space, and Earth is in space, and according to Space Law you're not allowed to punch people without due process, so Green Lantern was gonna have to take him in. Batman said something to the effect of "uh lol I'd like to see you try lol" but cooler, because he's Batman. And then they fought! Utahraptor: And Green Lantern used his ring to make giant boxing gloves? T-Rex: You know it! T-Rex: Luckily Batman knew how he always did that, so he used the strategy of "just avoid the giant boxing gloves". It was super effective, and Green Lantern lost. At first everyone was like "yay, screw the space police" but when the Space Riots came they really missed their services, so it was complicated. T-Rex: There were a lot of issues around the interplanetary legitimization of force and everyone on Earth finally got to have a frank discussion about them, all because of Batman. T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): He really was SO GREAT

"i don't always imagine giant boxing gloves," green lantern said. "sometimes, when i need to defend myself against punches, I imagine giant boxing PADS."

T-Rex: One day Batman was fighting a crime when another Batman showed up. "TWO BATMEN??" gasped the Joker. T-Rex: (The Joker was there too; sorry I didn't mention this sooner!!) T-Rex: The other Batman was glowing green, which was new. After they beat up the Joker and stopped his crimes, the real Batman quickly travelled to Coast City, where the Green Lantern lived. And sure enough, Green Lantern was there on the couch, relaxing, his power ring on. His power ring could make anything he could imagine, and he'd finally realized he could imagine up a Batman instead of just giant boxing gloves or whatever! Utahraptor: How did the real Batman take this? T-Rex: He was PRETTY CHEESED! T-Rex: But GL convinced and cajoled him, and Batman finally had to admit that YES, he DID hate crime even more than he hated unlicensed infringement upon his likeness rights. And that was it: GL's Batmen became the new normal, and soon there were Green Batmen in every city. T-Rex: Batman moved in to GL's place to better inspire him, which meant he shadowboxed while GL "observed" him, and yes it was kinda hot, and yes, we were all thinking it. THE END. Off panel (punchline): THANK you

this comic works particularly well when you add "&butiwouldratherbereading=thelastdinosaurcomicever" to the url, if by "well" you mean "sad" and by "works" you mean "suddenly becomes" :(

T-Rex: Lets say that every day there's a small - BUT NONZERO - chance that you're gonna die in some random accident. Say, just to pick one COMPLETELY at random... T-Rex: ...GETTING HIT ON THE HEAD BY A METEORITE? T-Rex: Now this chance is SO SMALL that you could live your entire life and never get beaned by ANY cool space rocks! And that's great, assuming you want to die in some BORING WAY that doesn't make people say "Man, I really thought there was NO WAY that meteorite was gonna hit him". But now let's say you live for a really long time! Utahraptor: As your lifetime extends, the likelihood of you dying from a crazy rare accident approaches CERTAINTY? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Even the most UNLIKELY things that could happen WILL happen to you, if you're immortal! Utahraptor: Well, not ALL of them. Events so unlikely they might not happen, even over the universe's lifetime, aren't guaranteed. T-Rex: Ah yes, I forgot!! T-Rex: Specifically, I forgot how our ever-expanding universe means that life will one day find itself alone in a cold, indifferent, and colossal void where even dead stars are rare, before it too is extinguished. Hah! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): What a silly thing to forget

actually the sliced bread inventor invented his first prototype in 1912 but it burned down (because it was 1912) and it took him over a decade to get it working again, plus everyone was like "sliced bread! like THAT'LL ever be the greatest thing, hah hah hah"

T-Rex: Sometimes folks say "That's the greatest thing since sliced bread!" Usually it's when they see something new and want to say it's great, but at the same time, also really want to remind everyone how much they LOVE pre-sliced bread!! T-Rex: But when WAS sliced bread invented, anyhow? T-Rex: Turns out that was on July 7th, 1928! That was when the first commercial-sliced bread became available. Dromiceiomimus: No way. Sliced bread is less than 100 years old? T-Rex: PRE-sliced bread, yeah. Before then y'all had to slice it yourself like a sucker, all taking your time to do it carefully, all whispering "the greatest thing ever would be to not have to do this". Utahraptor: And did they advertise it as "THE GREATEST THING"? T-Rex: Kinda! T-Rex: The slogan was "the greatest forward step in the baking industry since bread was wrapped", so I guess before 1928 things were "the greatest thing since wrapped bread." My research indicates THAT happened in antiquity, by the way. Utahraptor: Who KNOWS where bread technology will take us tomorrow?? Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: Off panel: Introducing sliced bread... that has butter infused in it so when it's toasted it becomes nice and buttery and if you eat it straight then you get free butter!! T-Rex: THAT T-Rex (punchline): IS THE GREATEST THING

i too briefly thought it was weird that dinosaurs could own fossils, but turns out there were plenty when they were around. dinosaurs were around for a real long time, yo! and that is your Real Science Fact™ from your Talking Dinosaur Comic™ for today.

T-Rex: I went to a party at a rich person's house and beside the baby grand, they had FOSSILS. Legit fossils! Just hanging out on the wall! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: I'd never even CONCEIVED of "owning fossils" rich! T-Rex: I didn't even know fossils were a thing you could BUY. They don't sell them at the stores I go to, that's for sure! I guess when you have enough money you just get a gilded envelope in the mail with a phone number you can call whenever you need a SKELETON, rock or otherwise?? Utahraptor: Uh, you can buy fossils like anything else, dude! T-Rex: Wait - YOU own some? Utahraptor: Yeah, a couple of ammonites, some leaves, a few weird bugs. They're not SCIENTIFICALLY interesting, but the "owning a fossil" lifestyle is WITHIN REACH, my friend. T-Rex: Can - can I borrow them? I have a first date tonight and I'd like it to go well. Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: Did you know... my house is full of ROCKS?? Off panel: Not impressed, my fr-- T-Rex: Ahem. The rocks are shaped like DEAD ANIMAL SKELETONS. Off panel (punchline): ooh <3

okay yes there are FIVE mammal species that don't have live birth but instead lay eggs. thank you Team Monotreme, with your weird egg-laying mammals who are also the ones who lactate without nipples so their babies just suck on their bellies and IT STILL WORKS; you're really selling me on mammals here

Narrator: DOWNSIDES TO BEING A MAMMAL: T-Rex: Body hair!! T-Rex: And not just like, on your head! T-Rex: It's EVERYWHERE. Dromiceiomimus: Oh, I know. There's a huge secondary market supported ENTIRELY BY MAMMALS in which they pay other mammals to cut the hair off entirely, or to at least attempt to style it, or to pull out the hair, or use special lasers to burn the hair-producing organs in the skin, or to say "screw the lasers" and just ELECTROCUTE THE ORGANS. Dromiceiomimus: [small] I find it fascinating Utahraptor: Are there other downsides? T-Rex: Oh we haven't even STARTED. T-Rex: Live birth? Because THAT'S a thing. Plus: better get used to nipples, everyone! Utahraptor: Well, not EVERYONE. Some mammals don't HAVE nipples, so milk just COMES OUT THROUGH THEIR UNDIFFERENTIATED SKIN. T-Rex and Utahraptor: AHHHHH Narrator: DOWNSIDES TO BEING A DINOSAUR: Off panel: Can't be a dog T-Rex (punchline): Can't ever be a dog, yeah, that's all I've got too

fish-eating parasite sends word it can have TWO best friends

T-Rex: Humans already called dogs for besties. NICE GOING, HUMANS. NICE GOING WITH YOUR "[HU]MAN'S BEST FRIEND" COLLOQUIALISM. T-Rex: FRIG. T-Rex: And cat already has a best friend: itself! T-Rex: Cow's best friend is just as obvious. T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Cellulose-digesting protozoans, which along with other gut flora live and reproduce inside of their intestines, helping them break down plant matter!! Dromiceiomimus: Hence the famous saying! Utahraptor: Bee's best friend is pollinating flowers! T-Rex: Literal symbiosis. CHECK. T-Rex: Frig. Are there ANY animals left available for us? Utahraptor: Just the tongue-eating parasite, and - whoops, nevermind. I just got word that tongue-eating parasite's best friend is the fish it colonizes, pinching its tongue until it fall off, so then it can become the fish's monstrous new tongue. T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): Still kinda wish we could've called "dogs" before humans did, not gonna lie

MY NAME IS GOD AND I'M HERE TO SAY / RELIGION IS COOL AND ALSO OKAY

God: T-REX YOU'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT DOGS A LOT LATELY T-Rex: Yeah man, it's dog week! God: DOG WEEK T-Rex: Dog week, woo!! God: BUT YOU CAN'T JUST DECLARE IT TO BE DOG WEEK T-Rex: Just did, sucka MC! DOG WEEK IS IN SESSION!! God: HMM God: MAYBE IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO CALL THE LORD OF ALL CREATION A "SUCKA MC" God: JUST A THOUGHT T-Rex: Hold up - are there ANY religions that canonize sucka MCs? Utahraptor: Not to my knowledge. Utahraptor: While there is ample religious scholarship arguing that God COULD create ceremonies so righteous even HE couldn't master them, no thinkers have examined the possibility that, rather than being a dope MC, he could be a full-on sucka. You're on the bleeding edge of religious thought here, T-Rex. Narrator: LATER, T-REX CHECKS THE BIBLE: T-Rex: You guys! There's nothing here that says God ISN'T a sucka MC! There's also NOTHING that says a dog can't play basketball!! T-Rex (punchline): I FINALLY get why people talk about "the Bible's good news" all the time!!

"geez, i wasn't GONNA cure cancer till i read this batman coffeeshop au with a puzzle sheet at the end, but now i'm all about it" <-- THE FUTURE??

God: T-REX YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT BATMAN T-Rex: THANK you! It's nice SOMEONE finally noticed! God: SO YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS A GOOD USE OF YOUR BRIEF LIFE HUH T-Rex: Whoah!! T-Rex: Hold up buddy, because THAT is a SLIPPERY SLOPE that ends in "oh my gosh I haven't spent every waking moment trying to cure cancer, I AM A WASTE OF FLESH AND BELONG IN THE GARBAGE". Here is a fact: I'm not good at curing cancer! I've TRIED. Dromiceiomimus: What have you done? T-Rex: Uh, written "todo: CURE CANCER" on a piece of paper and then NEVER CHECKED IT OFF?? Utahraptor: Have you tried checking it off though? T-Rex: Sure have!! T-Rex: But it was LIES, Utahraptor. Look, I accept that not all of us can cure cancer. But you know what I'm really good at? LEARNING ABOUT BATMAN. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, one day I'll write a Batman fanfic that inspires someone WITH the proper skills to cure cancer! T-Rex: I will call my tale, "Batman Versus The Disease Called Cancer, And There's A Blank Page Where You Can Fill In The Answer". T-Rex (punchline): Subtitled, "Look, I'm Doing The Best With What I've Got Over Here".

5) Ghost store provides better story to endlessly tell friends than "I went to store and it was unremarkable". 6) Chance ghosts do not know about inflation (potential great deals).

T-Rex: I went to a store and found the storekeeper remarkably odd! Off panel: But T-Rex, that store burned down... Off panel: ...30 YEARS AGO THIS VERY NIGHT!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Turns out there was a misunderstanding: the store NEXT DOOR had burned down; the store I was in just was run by a weirdo. And it additionally turned out I was speaking to a weirdo who memorized the dates of when local businesses were destroyed by fire. Dromiceiomimus: Too bad it wasn't a ghost store though. T-Rex: RIGHT?? I was so excited!! Utahraptor: Why were you excited to be in a ghost store? T-Rex: Okay, so: 1) Proof ghosts are real. T-Rex: 2) Greater product selection (possibility old products become ghosts and then I can buy discontinued cereal again??). 3) If paid by credit, can dispute charges during the day, store will not be able to respond since ghosts only active at night (outside business hours). T-Rex: 4) Disputing charge actually ensures ghost store comes back the next night, because a commercial transaction has been interrupted, which now means the ghosts have... Off panel: oh god T-Rex: UNFINISHED BUSINESS Off panel (punchline): OH GOD

WE ARE NOT ALONE. the only reason aliens haven't contacted us yet is we're lost in a crowd of completely unremarkable life, plus the aliens are mediocre pals who haven't even figured out interstellar transport yet

T-Rex: Let's say I've got a bunch of things, and they can be sorted into categories, and I grab one completely at random. T-Rex: Odds are it's gonna come from whatever category has the most things in it!! T-Rex: Which makes sense, right? If I have 1000 completely average sandwiches and 5 rock-my-face-like-it-has-NEVER-been-rocked sandwiches, and I grab one at random, odds are I'm on an economy-class trip to Average Sandwich City. Dromiceiomimus: I appreciate how you said "economy class" instead of "first class", thereby underlining how average these sandos are. T-Rex: THANK you! Utahraptor: I've heard of this! This is called "the principle of mediocrity"! T-Rex: Sure is!! Utahraptor: And with it you can argue that there's NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT EARTH. Odds are we're just a mediocre planet with mediocre life! T-Rex: But the flip side is we're probably not alone, and other planets are full of equally mediocre life too! T-Rex and off panel: HOORAY FOR A MEDIOCRE UNIVERSE!! Off panel: Full of mediocre pals who might hang out with us until one of those cool species makes contact, and then they drop us and ghost T-Rex (punchline): Wooooo

we come in peac-- wait, what are YOU coming in? yeah, uh, that's the exact same thing that we come in too. ha ha ha, people who don't come in whatever we're both coming in are such losers, right? ha ha ha, i hate them

T-Rex: Okay, so, if the universe is full of mediocre aliens, how come they haven't contacted us yet? Could their answer perhaps be... T-Rex: ...THEIR CRIPPLING ANXIETY OVER HOW MEDIOCRE THEY ARE?? T-Rex: Perhaps the universe is full of aliens, all assuming everyone ELSE is cooler than they are, all paralyzed by the fear they'll say the wrong thing and finally reveal themselves to be total losers! A whole universe of alien wallflowers, a galactic population that's spent 6 billion years writing out messages of friendship to broadcast to other worlds, only to erase them at the last minute while calling themselves stupid!! Utahraptor: But WE'VE sent messages to the stars. T-Rex: So WE must be the cool ones! T-Rex: We're the ONLY PLANET in the VISIBLE UNIVERSE that has defeated its social anxiety. And that's why we haven't gotten responses! We're like the hot guy with the neat pecs that nobody asks to the dance because they all assume someone ELSE asked! They assume we're taken on account of how neat our pecs are!! T-Rex (punchline): Yo, check 'em out

dromiceiomimus blowing some minds in panel three, AS USUAL

T-Rex: There are still islands HERE ON THIS ISLAND EARTH that don't have names! We may be born too late to name the oceans, the continents, the birds and the naturally occurring elements, but we can still name some friggin' islands! T-Rex: Some friggin' isolated, unpopular islands!! Dromiceiomimus: But wouldn't we have to live near these isolated islands in order to have the name mean anything? T-Rex: Well, I me- Dromiceiomimus: Like, I could name that tiny house you're about to step on - OR PERHAPS, A FULL-SIZED HOUSE THAT'S FAR AWAY AND ONLY APPEARS SMALL DUE TO PERSPECTIVE - but if nobody ever uses it, it's not like it MATTERS, right? Utahraptor: Yeah, this is like one of those scammy "name a star" sites! T-Rex: Listen, what I - Utahraptor: You know? The ones that take your money to "name" one of the billions of stars, only nobody ever uses those names because it's just some dinky company taking your money, and stars already HAVE unambiguous scientific names?? T-Rex: Okay, wow. Y'all are BANNED from "PALHALLA aka Best Friends Island"!! T-Rex (punchline): ...which I am reliably informed is far up north somewhere and which appears to have a tree or two when I briefly looked at it

i have been writing for DECADES and i can tell you that it is, without hyperbole... the worst phrase

Narrator: TOP FIVE BEST EMOTIONS T-Rex: 1) Happiness! T-Rex: 2) Sexiness! WOOOO Dromiceiomimus: 3) The feeling of having a deadline, but then realizing you messed up remembering when that deadline is, so actually you've got more time before the deadline than what you thought! T-Rex: Oh frig I love that one!! But let's not forget: 4) The feeling you get by putting your hands into a big bag of rice! Utahraptor: 5) That last one, but with a non-Newtonian fluid instead!! T-Rex: DAMN LET'S GO DO THAT RIGHT NOW!! Narrator: NEXT TIME: WORST FIVE EMOTIONS T-Rex and Utahraptor: 1) Sadness after eating a non-Newtonian fluid because it tasted like a butt's hole!! T-Rex (punchline): 2 through 200 inclusive) Sincere regret at ever having said "a butt's hole"

colour's perfect, though

Narrator: BETTER WAYS TO APPROACH AGING T-Rex: Hello! Are you someone with a body that's irrevocably getting worse each and every day, and you're powerless to stop it?? T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: OH WELL?? T-Rex: Look, don't think of it as "slowly but irrevocably becoming a boring skeleton that nobody cares about". Instead, think of your life as "trying to make your skeleton famous, so that when you die people will be like, damn, I gotta go to that guy's grave, because then I'll be close to his rad skeleton." T-Rex: WHY ELSE DO PEOPLE VISIT GRAVES?? Utahraptor: The skeleton-centric lifestyle strikes again! T-Rex: What's wrong with it? Utahraptor: I've heard of people getting SO into their skeletons that they make sure to die in silty rivers, so their bones over time become fossils, in the hope some unimaginably alien future race will dig them up and say "oh wow, cool". T-Rex: Hah! I'd like to see th- Narrator: MEANWHILE, MILLIONS OF YEARS IN THE FUTURE: Off panel: As you can see, there are several issues with this reconstruction. Off panel: Why's its ankle like that? Off panel: I SAID Off panel (punchline): "THERE ARE SEVERAL ISSUES WITH THIS RECONSTRUCTION"

answer: we'd stay away from trees but i guess we'd all eat more salad

T-Rex: So Theseus had a boat, and when a plank rotted, he replaced it. After years of replacing failed planks until they've ALL been replaced... IS IT STILL THE SAME BOAT?? T-Rex: The answer: yes, obviously, can we all MOVE PAST this please?? T-Rex: As there was no point when replacing a single plank caused it to stop being his old boat and start being an entirely new one, it's still the same boat. THE END. Dromiceiomimus: But what if someone COLLECTED the used planks and built an identical boat out of them? T-Rex: Then he'd have a sucky boat made out of garbage planks and has wasted a lot of time, THE END. Utahraptor: This has been an open philosophical question for LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF YEARS! T-Rex: I answered it! Boat's the same. Utahraptor: Well, some have argued all objects extend across time as four dimensional COLLECTIONS of 3D objects, thus any INDIVIDUAL 3D object is - T-Rex: Let me interrupt you right there: is the conclusion that the boat's the same? Utahraptor: Well... yeah. Narrator: IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THE SAME BOAT, PHILOSOPHERS T-Rex: Hey, HERE'S a much better question to spend 2000 years pondering: what would it be like if trees were MEAT, and WE were made of plants? T-Rex (punchline): WHAT INDEED, PLATO??

years later: OH MAN I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO KEEP OBSESSING ABOUT THIS

T-Rex: When I was a kid I had a friend who thought that when somebody was "poor" it meant that they were of low quality! Like there were great families and then there were poor families that were just straight-up shabby. T-Rex: It was cute misunderstanding at the time, though kinda terrible the more you think about it! T-Rex: ...I sometimes wonder what happened to him. Narrator: THE END Utahraptor: Isn't this what social media is for? T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: Looking up past acquaintances? Satisfying every transient personal curiosity? Your misty-eyed memories of a precocious child will be sandblasted away forever by the reality that, like you, they got hot, old, or BOTH. T-Rex: Well let's find out!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: HE REFUSED MY FRIEND REQUEST AND GUESS WHAT EVERYONE? GUESS FRIGGIN' WHAT T-Rex (punchline): I WILL NEVER STOP OBSESSING ABOUT THIS

you guys: friendship is PRETTY GREAT

T-Rex: Trying to start a business? Have you considered taking an existing business and adding a little phrase like, oh I don't know... T-Rex: ..."FOR DOGS"?? T-Rex: Hotel... FOR DOGS! Pool and spa... FOR DOGS! I would patronize either of these fine establishments with my dog, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. T-Rex: Chefs for dogs! Haircuts for dogs! Getting your nails did for dogs! THEY ALL WORK. Utahraptor: Forensic accounting for dogs doesn't seem to have much demand, T-Rex. T-Rex: Okay, but - Utahraptor: Neither does air tunnel simulation for dogs, environmental artist for dogs, or middleware programmer for dogs. I think it's time we ALL admit that dogs have a narrow set of interests limited to food, sleep, having fun, and THAT'S ABOUT IT, and that this idea is bad AND WE SHOULD ALL FORGET IT RIGHT AWAY. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hey, remember that bad idea I had? Off panel: Nope! T-Rex (punchline): ON THE ADVICE OF MY BEST FRIEND WHO I APPRECIATE GIVING ME SOME REAL TALK: ME NEITHER

wait a second... it's not COOL to do comics? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME TWO DECADES AGO BECAUSE ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE COOL... AT ANY COST

Narrator: COMICS TO HELP WITH ANXIETY... T-Rex: Many people are anxious about SO many things these days! T-Rex: AND FOR GOOD FRIGGIN' REASON, AHHHHH T-Rex: You could have food stuck between your teeth, and people WON'T TELL YOU, because they think you'll be embarrassed if you do, and they expect you have a close friend who will tell you instead! Dromiceiomimus: So wait - having food in my teeth not only shows I'm bad at teeth stuff, but also implies I'm a big loser who nobody loves?? T-Rex: SORRY DROMICEIOMIMUS T-Rex: SOCIETY IS MESSED UP Utahraptor: I have a question about anxiety! Is it not true that I can make a social error, but it's awkward so nobody tells me... Utahraptor: ...so I keep on making that same error over and over until nobody wants to be my friend because I'm "the weird one" who keeps making mistakes, WHICH I NEVER EVEN KNEW I WAS MAKING?? T-Rex: Yes, this is 100% possible, has happened before, and will DEFINITELY happen again. Narrator: ...WILL COME LATER, AND ARE ESPECIALLY REQUIRED AFTER THIS PARTICULAR COMIC T-Rex (punchline): aw dang

guess whose leg is covered in blisters, guess whose treatment of cortizone has him in the corti ZONE

T-Rex: Urushiol is the oil found on poison ivy! You won't see it or feel it, but it's absorbed within the skin within 10 minutes, and then you're doomed. T-Rex: Doomed to have no ill effects, that is! T-Rex: Touch poison ivy all you want, because it's not like you'll get itchy disgusting weeping blisters and possible nerve damage! Burn it and inhale the smoke, because it's not like you'll then get the same blisters caused by vapourized oils INSIDE YOUR FRIGGING LUNGS. Eat poison ivy leaves on your salad, because it's not like THAT will cause a particularly and possibly fatal bad time! T-Rex: BECAUSE POISON IVY ONLY AFFECTS HUMANS. Utahraptor: And for no real reason, right? T-Rex: Yep! It certainly doesn't provide an advantage, because humans want to kill it. It's just a weird accident of evolution that humans can't even deal with its refreshing oils, and this is but one of the MANY reasons humans aren't as cool as they think they are. THEY CAN'T EVEN EAT POISON IVY. Off panel: Or as we call it, "regular ivy". T-Rex (punchline): Yes I was using their word and I apologize

I want you to remember, Clark... in all the years to come... in your most private moments... I want you to remember the one man who built backup infrastructure for Gotham city until he had enough capital to actually build an entire backup city and then the original city was no longer required...

T-Rex: The Joker laughed (which, no surprises there) because he had finally pulled off his greatest gag yet: poisoning the town's water supply with Joker toxin! T-Rex: Good thing Batman had long ago supplied Gotham with a backup Waynetech water supply system!! T-Rex: Stymied, a few weeks later the Joker tried to contaminate Gotham's grain supply, but again, Batman had foreseen this possibility and invested in parallel Waynetech agricultural network. The Joker produced toxic laughing fish, and Batman already had Waynetech farming from backup aquaculture ponds. Everything in Gotham city had parallel secure Waynetech infrastructure, and it was at last safe from the Joker's madness. Utahraptor: Couldn't he blow up buildings? T-Rex: Oh sure, he tried that. T-Rex: But the companies would just move to a secure replacement Waynetech building, ready to receive their secure replacement Waynetech employees. Soon, nobody WANTED to live in crime-infested Gotham, and they entered this corporate owned crime free gated utopia, all controlled by one obscenely rich white man. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Something went wrong in my Batman story??

YES, HELLO, I BELIEVE THIS TATTOO SAYS IT ALL AND WILL ANSWER NO FURTHER QUESTIONS ABOUT IT

T-Rex: Sometimes folks get tattoos they regret! They're all, "Like ALL emotions, this particular emotion I'm feeling right now will last forever! I should definitely get this indelibly inked on my living flesh!!" T-Rex: To them I say: T-Rex: Feel ashamed of (that particular aspect of) your body no longer!! T-Rex: For I am here to FIX YOUR TATTOOS with CLEVER IDEAS. For example, perhaps you are a guy named Joe with a tattoo that says "JOE AND CHRIS FOREVER", but now you and Chris got divorced? Just add a colon and one word and you get "JOE AND CHRIS: FOREVER DIVORCED"! Done! Dromiceiomimus: What if they get back together? T-Rex: Easy: "JOE AND CHRIS: FOREVER DIVORCED? NOT ANYMORE LOL". Utahraptor: But what if they break up again? T-Rex: See, you think you're gonna stump me, but I've got this too! T-Rex: Take what's there and add "...IS WHAT THIS WOULD SAY IF WE WEREN'T DIVORCED AGAIN; THANK YOU FOR READING ALL OF MY EXTREMELY LENGTHY TATTOO". But honestly, at this point, my professional advice would be just tattoo a scribble over the entire mess and instead get a picture of my face. T-Rex (punchline): With a banner above it that says "HE'S GREAT" and one beneath it that says "YES, HE REALLY TRIED TO HELP"

christmas rules everything around me, not an easter bunny, li'l li'l elves y'all

Narrator: T-REX THE TATTOO FIXER TODAY'S TATTOO TO FIX: EX'S FACE T-Rex: Hello! All that follows operates under the assumption I'M not the ex. T-Rex: Ahem. T-Rex: The ex's face is a CLASSIC regrettable tattoo! T-Rex: It's a bad idea at the best of times, but it's ESPECIALLY bad if you got it only AFTER you broke up. Come on, pal. Pull up your socks. Dromiceiomimus: But can this tattoo be fixed? T-Rex: Yep! In a banner above it write "JUST BECAUSE I GOT MY EX'S FACE TATTOOED ON ME", and then beneath, in a second banner, put "DOESN'T MEAN *ALL* MY DECISIONS ARE BAD". Utahraptor: Surely there are some other options! T-Rex: And how!! T-Rex: Tattoo shades over the eyes and write "I THINK SHADES ARE COOL", tattoo a Santa beard and hat on top and write "C.R.E.A.M.: CHRISTMAS RULES EVERYTHING AROUND ME", tattoo a Geordi visor on top and write "OFF-MODEL GEORDI... ON-MODEL FUN!!". Utahraptor: These are great and I have no further questions! Narrator: SPECIAL ADVICE IF IT'S T-REX WHO IS THE EX AND IT'S HIS FACE YOU HAVE TATTOOED ON YOU: T-Rex: Kathleen, I will always treasure our time together and I think of you fondly. Narrator (punchline): AWWWWWWW

ask me how much research i had to do for this comic IT WAS ZERO RESEARCH, I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN A SINGLE BATMAN FACT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

T-Rex: Batman turned to Robin, who was the Jason Todd one, who if you don't know Robin was the one who came after Dick Grayson but before Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown, and Damian Wayne. T-Rex: "I remember our first meeting, Robin!" Batman growled, crimefightingly! T-Rex: "It was when I caught you stealing tires off the Batmobile," he said, "which contrasts with how I met the original Robin, Dick Grayson, who I adopted after his parents fell to their deaths in a rigged trapeze act, orchestrated by organized crime. He and I helped investigate the murders together, and now we fight other crimes too. As you know, your predecessor works as 'Nightwing' in a nearby town named, and I am not making this up, 'Blüdhaven'." Utahraptor: Lotta exposition here, my friend! T-Rex: Can't be avoided! Readers gotta know the score!! Utahraptor: Do they though? Does your story REALLY benefit by incorporating decades of continuity assembled piecemeal by hundreds of writers? Can't you just say "Batman fights crime with Robin" and take it from there? T-Rex: A BOLD CHOICE, Utahraptor. I'll give it a try!! T-Rex: Batman fought crime with Robin, whose real name was a secret because then I'd have to choose a Robin and I kinda like Carrie Kelly but she's got her own continuity baggage, so - Off panel: NEVERMIND, I'M GOING TO BED Off panel (punchline): TODAY WAS A MISTAKE THAT I WOULD RATHER NOT KEEP MAKING

M.A.R.Y. stands for "Mechanized Assault and Reconnaissance Yurt", OBVIOUSLY

T-Rex: There are a lot of out of copyright characters that you can use for free! For example, may I suggest... T-Rex: MARY'S LITTLE LAMB?? T-Rex: We know SEVERAL things about this famous nursery rhymes lamb: it's little, its fleece is white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went the lamb is sure to go. T-Rex: Delightful! I can't wait to find out more about this dynamic hero of song and story!! Utahraptor: So - what are we supposed to do with this lamb character? T-Rex: Whatever we want! That's the point! T-Rex: Perhaps a gritty reboot where the lamb is instead a L.A.M.B: a bionic enforcer robot? Or flip the script and give us a dystopia where the lamb has a little Mary? Or MAYBE the lamb instead has a M.A.R.Y: a different and more DEADLY type of bionic enforcer!! T-Rex: M.A.R.Y had a little L.A.M.B., its F.L.E.E.C.E. was white as S.N.O.W., and everywhere that M.A.R.Y. went, the L.A.M.B. was sure to G.O.! Off panel: G.O. stands for...? T-Rex: "Genetically obliterate", Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): THERE ARE NO S.U.R.V.I.V.O.R.S.

the animals that dwell at the bottom of the ocean are, I BELIEVE, the ONLY species of animal on Earth that we have not attempted to eat. YET??

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Our first letter is from Marg, who writes, "How much of the ocean's floor is unexplored?" T-Rex: Excellent question, Marg! T-Rex: As you are no doubt dimly aware from half-remembered nightmares of silent crushing darkness, oceans do indeed cover most of our planet's surface, the hidden monstrous creatures who inhabit this endless midnight surround and outmass us on our tiny islands of sun, and the true horror is the millennia of not knowing what skitters and feasts in those unfathomable deeps. Utahraptor: So put Marg at ease! How much ocean floor is verified horror-free? T-Rex: 5%. T-Rex: TOPS. T-Rex: But we thought 10 MILLION species creeped beneath the waves, and recent estimates have revised that down to a mere 1 million creatures of darkness, all dwelling in a hateful realm that would crush and distort our bodies into unrecognizable mutilations if we were exposed to it for but the briefest moment. Narrator: THE OCEAN: NIGHTMARES WITHOUT END T-Rex: ...Seafood's pretty delicious though!! Narrator (punchline): THE OCEAN: DELICIOUS NIGHTMARES WITHOUT END

i based the chess-playing seniors in this comic on joey comeau of a softer world dot com, who in 50 years will absolutely beat you at chess and then ride off on your bike

T-Rex: Time for me to play chess against one of those old people who play in the park all day long! They only charge you $1 a game and I'm CERTAIN I can beat th- Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: THEY WOULDN'T EVEN EXPLAIN THE RULES?? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I'm going back, Dromiceiomimus, and THIS time I'm ready. I've read a "how to win at chess" book written by a GRANDMASTER. Dromiceiomimus: You should bring Utahraptor; he mentioned to me he'd like to play chess more. T-Rex: Oh cool! Yeah, we'll both go and CRUSH those guys. In fact, we'll - Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: HOW DID WE LOSE SO BADLY WE HAVE TO PHYSICALLY RUN AWAY FROM OUR DEFEAT?? T-Rex: AHHH Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Alright, plan A: we beat them at chess. Plan B: we lose at chess, then challenge them to a bike race. They are seniors, so we cannot lose. Utahraptor: I too have a lot invested in this. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary! T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): Surprising no-one, a gang of chess-playing seniors stole my bike

everything t-rex said is true! not a word of lie! you CAN try eating kale as part of a boring salad!!

Narrator: IT'S TIME... T-Rex: For a party? For everyone to get a free jet? For everyone to get a free jet that has giant boxing glove on the front to punch other jets, AND ALSO flamethrowers too? Narrator: ...FOR FASCINATING FACTS ABOUT KALE T-Rex: Aw, dang it!! T-Rex: FINE. Kale is probably a weird cabbage or whatever that used to be eaten in the Middle Ages until we all got wise and realized other vegetables taste better. Kale is a great source of "Vitamin K", a vitamin I just made up which if you don't eat enough causes blood to uncontrollably spurt out of your body. Try eating kale raw, or as part of a boring salad. Utahraptor: What's the nutritional content of kale, T-Rex? T-Rex: Dunno! GOOD, probably?? Utahraptor: T-Rex what if I told you... EVERYTHING you just said was TRUE?? Plus, Vitamin K IS a real vitamin, and it helps blood congeal, which stops it from spurting out of your body!! T-Rex: Oh boy! Turns out I'm a savant, but only about kale!! T-Rex: I'M BEING SARCASTIC; I'M SO DISAPPOINTED TO DISCOVER "KALE FACTS" IS MY ONE HIDDEN TALENT T-Rex: KALE IS A RICH SOURCE OF MANGANESE AND FOLATE T-Rex (punchline): DAMN IT

what if i told you that bone marrow INSIDE THE SKELETONS produces blood cells, therefore the blood is ALSO evil-aligned and fights alongside the skeleton?? it's in a bag or something, i dunno

T-Rex: One day our skeletons declared war on meat-based life forms! This was bad news for everyone who was not a jellyfish... T-Rex: ...and therefore now had a mutinous skeleton inside them??? T-Rex: Would nations deploy their armies against their graveyards? Would the living be conscripted to fight the dead, knowing that when they fell, their own skeleton would betray them and fight on the other side? Or would everyone's skeletons push out of their bodies in an apocalyptically graphic display of body horror and violence the likes of which the world has never seen?? Utahraptor: I'm gonna go with... none of the above. T-Rex: WHAT?? Utahraptor: Skeletons are held together by muscle and sinew. My skeleton could be the evillest mastermind that ever existed, but it's still a puppet to my lawful-good muscles, and as such cannot stay assembled on its own, let alone take revenge against all meatkind! T-Rex: Daaamn!! Narrator: LATER, T-REX POURS ONE OUT FOR ALL THE EVIL SKELETONS TRAPPED INSIDE GOOD BODIES WHO CANNOT EXPRESS THEIR DARK RAGE: T-Rex (punchline): Hollaa

i actually wrote this comic while on a plane! I don't know if the passengers in front of me were named "Claude" and "Mary" but I DO know that they DEFINITELY did not get a look at my screen

T-Rex: "Our airplane romance might cause a bit of a FLAP" Mary said to Claude, the romantic stranger she'd just met and kissed on their transatlantic flight. T-Rex: "Oh, she meant airplane flaps, or perhaps like birds flapping" Claude realized later. T-Rex: Claude had always struggled with wordplay and English wasn't his first language, but this woman he'd met - this woman randomly assigned to the seat beside him, their entire encounter unlikely - made him want to try. Her mind was always running, always making disparate connections between things, and Claude wanted that. T-Rex: He wanted her. Utahraptor: Did they decide to have sex in the bathroom? T-Rex: No; that wasn't fair to the other passengers. T-Rex: When they landed they continued their romance, Claude working hard to appreciate Mary's wordplay, Mary never fully realizing how much it vexed him. They had many great years together, several okay years, and only a few bad ones. T-Rex: In their divorce proceedings fifteen years later, Mary said she always found Claude "a little PLANE" and Claude found himself surprised at how much the unkind pun had hurt him. T-Rex: THE END. T-Rex (punchline): BASED ON A TRUE THING I MADE UP??

now that's not fair. besides burma, liberia, the united states, non-metric units are ALSO still commonly used by people in the distant past who didn't even know what a germ is

T-Rex: Old units are crazy! Here in the CIVILIZED WORLD - T-Rex: - everywhere but Burma, Liberia, and oh I don't know THE UNITED STATES - T-Rex: - we use metric, which has the advantage of making moving between units easy, lets us have a temperature scale based on physical constants rather than "some briny water I found, lol", and of being able to trivially move between scales: making knowing how many centimeters in a kilometer easy, while knowing how many inches in a mile an exercise in saying "I DUNNO, LOTS I GUESS". Utahraptor: But old units have other benefits! T-Rex: Pfft. NOT LIKELY. Utahraptor: They're older, so they're baked into our language! We talk about "walking a mile in someone's shoes", of "giving an inch", etc. And I can tell you're about to say "JUST USE METRIC UNITS" so let me say this: an old English "hogshead" was a large cask of wine, about 300 liters. T-Rex: So? Off panel: So a "butt" was an even LARGER cask: two hogsheads worth. And thus "a butt load" was a heck of a lot of wine, and thus NON-METRIC MEASUREMENTS GAVE US "BUTTLOAD"! T-Rex: Utahraptor! NEVER HAS MY BUTT BEEN SO LOADED!! T-Rex (punchline): (with APOLOGIES to NON-METRIC UNITS, that is!)

you - you DO have a time machine, right??

T-Rex: Attention, artists! Have you hit a block and now you're looking for inspiration? Well look no further, because I come to you with good tidings. I come to you with SURE-FIRE INSPIRATION TIPS!! T-Rex: 1. Go back in time and steal ideas from da Vinci, then push him into a puddle and call him a nerd!! T-Rex: There's no shame in it. Everyone's done it. He's used to it and barely even minds! Dromiceiomimus: 2. Alternatively, go back in time and prevent any other artist from creating great work! Culture grades on a curve, and when you return you'll be pretty hot stuff even though you're just producing the same work as before! T-Rex: FINALLY. Utahraptor: 3. Steal ideas from your future self. T-Rex: You'll always be one step ahead - AND behind! T-Rex: 4. Induce a catastrophic failure in your time machine, causing everything in the universe to freeze in one single moment, except you. What's more inspiring than the beauty of a split second, endlessly preserved?? Utahraptor: You'll have eternity to ponder it! T-Rex: Just remember: aim for the stars, and even if you miss, you'll die in the endless dark void of space! You will suffocate and no longer need to sell your labour to survive!! T-Rex (punchline): These are the only ways to become inspired; there can be no other options. PEACE

today i learned changing "blows chunks" to "blows my chunks" increases its grossness by a factor completely incommensurate with those two small letters

T-Rex: Life on other worlds! So! T-Rex: WHERE IS IT, I MIGHT ASK?? T-Rex: Look, we've been looking for LITERALLY DECADES, which in astronomy terms is nothing BUT STILL, and so far we don't have so much as a "sup!! afk btw" from ANYONE. Are we ALONE? Is everyone else SUPER SHY or possibly VAMPIRES? Is the universe full of horrible monsters that prey on life whenever it evolves and so all life on OTHER worlds is just staring in silent horror as we foolishly announce ourselves to the galaxy?? Utahraptor: Maybe they're communicating using a medium we can't detect! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: MAYBE they live super slow lives compared to us, so our entire civilization will pass by in a blip to them! Maybe they're robots who don't recognize organic life! MAYBE THEY'RE EMBARRASSED AT HOW CRAPPY VOYAGER 2 IS, SINCE ITS ON-BOARD COMPUTER IS SO TINY IT CAN'T EVEN PLAY MP3S?? T-Rex: Maybe any of these premises is infinitely more interesting than being alone in a boring universe full of dust, and if there's any justice AT LEAST one of them will be true?? T-Rex: Oh, except the monsters one T-Rex (punchline): That one super blows my chunks

MY BAD

Narrator: A HALLOWE'EN TALE OF TERROR T-Rex: One day Bill got bit! But it wasn't any old bite. Hold on to your sanity, because Bill had gotten bit... by a WEREWOLF. T-Rex: That meant, of course, that Bill was now a werewolf!! T-Rex: Now every full moon, Bill gained all the powers of the wolf. That meant, of course, that Bill became a gregarious but monogamous social creature that mated for life, used the scent of his urine to establish a large territory to ensure he'd have ample prey, and fed on small mammals, eggs, carrion, and garbage. Utahraptor: But then, as a werewolf, he viciously attacked his former friends?? T-Rex: Hah! PLEASE. T-Rex: If he DID attack, like most wolves, it would be defensive: a quick nip followed by running away. If enough people fed Bill he might lose his fear of us, which WOULD provide a small chance that he might see a baby as food... but given most folk's natural fear of werewolves, that's unlikely. T-Rex: Bill lived a long and happy life, but as wolves live only 6-8 years in the wild, there came a full moon when he turned into a man-wolf who had sadly passed of natural causes, and that was the end of Bill. Narrator (punchline): SORRY, WHEN I SAID "TERROR" IN THE FIRST PANEL I MEANT "EDUCATION"

GOOD NEWS: mummia is not coming back in fashion!! BAD NEWS: these words are forever frozen in time and it's entirely possible mummia could become cool in the future and turn me into a DIRTY LIAR (that is also a mummy that y'all are gonna gobble)

Narrator: A HALLOWE'EN TALE OF TERROR T-Rex: One day Bill got mummified! This is the same Bill as the last time, so he's already a werewolf, but now he's dead and he's gonna become a mummy. T-Rex: Bill is having a difficult day!! T-Rex: Like all mummies, Bill's skin and organs were made to resist decay, either intentionally (as in ancient Egypt) or accidentally (as when someone dies in either a very cold or very dry place). Unfortunately for Bill, he became a mummy just as "mummia" was coming back in fashion! Utahraptor: And what's "mummia"? T-Rex: Oh, just a powder made from GROUND-UP MUMMIES. T-Rex: It was THOUGHT to have miraculous medicinal properties if you gobbled it, so that's why Renaissance people were cannibalizing long-dead folks. Only that was expensive, so mummia started to be made from the recently dead too! And that's why the past is horrible, and we should never live there. T-Rex: True horror is other people; THE END. T-Rex (punchline): P.S.: BILL DID NOT GET BETTER

hah hah hah hah HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH

Narrator: A HALLOWE'EN TALE OF TERROR T-Rex: Bill, who had previously become a werewolf and then a mummy, had just undergone his latest transformation! He had become... A FRANKENSTEIN!! T-Rex: Yes, his body parts were sewn together with the body parts of others, and then reanimated! T-Rex: Now of course, as he had already been a mummy, there weren't many body parts left of Bill that were appropriate for Frankensteining. They got his brain and part of one hand. It wasn't even the good part of his hand; it was the dud part. Just the worst part of his hand sewn onto another more attractive hand. T-Rex: In some deep part of his mind, Bill was dimly embarrassed. Utahraptor: And then Bill turned against his creator?? T-Rex: I mean - kinda? T-Rex: It's hard to say "Bill" did anything when his brain had already been so damaged by mummification. What came back had elements of Bill, maybe, a blasphemous echo of his mannerisms here or there, but Bill was lost. The TRUE horror is our minds are physical, and therefore all that we are can be destroyed by ACCIDENT. T-Rex: We are a few pounds of thinking meat in a skull, and all meat decays. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): HAPPY HALLOWE'EN!!!