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yes simply walk it up and suck it - WAIT HOLD ON JUST A DANG MINUTE HERE

T-Rex: Everyone has some problems, right? We all got our own problems. Well. T-Rex: NOT ANYMORE. T-Rex: Not if you purchase and then read my new book, "The Dude Without Any Problems! How To Become That Dude By Reading This Book; Also Dude Is Being Used In The Gender-Neutral Sense, So Hello Women, You Too May Buy This Book Please". Dromiceiomimus: Thanks for including me in your title, T-Rex. T-Rex: But of course! Utahraptor: May I get a free sample? T-Rex: But also of course! T-Rex: "All problems stem from reality not living up to our hopes and dreams. Either change reality or your hopes and dreams: in other words suck it up, AND/OR, walk it off. THE END." Utahraptor: Is that... the entire book? T-Rex: YEP!! T-Rex: It's short but it costs $200 a copy because I am bad at, like - T-Rex: - oh, what's it called - T-Rex (punchline): Um, "BUSINESS"??

corning is born...ing. like, "boring", you know? i was trying to make those two words rhyme there but they don't. anyway. what's everyone up to tonight?

God: CORN IS THE MOST WIDELY-CULTIVATED PLANT ON THE ENTIRE PLANET T-REX T-Rex: Hooray for corn! T-Rex: I say that sarcastically, because who cares about corn!! God: DID YOU KNOW THAT CORN WAS FIRST DOMESTICATED THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO T-Rex: Oh my god, no. NO. I already know too much about stairs, I am NOT gonna learn about corn!! Dromiceiomimus: How is that a bad thing? It's the most widely-cultivated plant - T-Rex: ON THE PLANET, I know, I KNOW Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, quick question! What's the coolest place to take someone on a date? T-Rex: Oh! Um - T-Rex: ...Nope, it's gone. I used to know cool things to do with cool people, but then I learned about corn. I'm sorry Utahraptor: I'm useless to you now. Utahraptor: Oh hey, did you know a pound of corn is about 1300 kernels? T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR NOOOO God: ACTUALLY EACH KERNEL OF CORN CONTAINS THE DREAMS OF A CHILD FROM THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO SO WHEN YOU EAT IT YOU ARE FEASTING ON THEIR LONG-DEAD HOPES T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...okay, wow, that corn fact is pretty cool actually

this comic is easy to fold into existing dinosaur comics continuity by one simply presupposing multiple fun definitions for the word "pants"

T-Rex: Is it possible to be on hold and then the company closes and I'm still on hold? T-Rex: Because I'm pretty sure that's what happened! T-Rex: If I'm committed to this, I'm going to be on hold for the next 12 to 15 hours. I'm kinda tempted to do this, Dromiceiomimus! I'll say "Do you have any idea how long I've been on hold??" and they'll say "No" and I'll say "Well, anyway it was a long time". Dromiceiomimus: It's good to have dreams that are achievable, T-Rex! T-Rex: Exactly! Utahraptor: What if the system drops you at the eight hour mark? T-Rex: Disaster! Utahraptor: Or what if the next day they answer new calls but you're somehow left on hold indefinitely, one lone phone line forever in use, forgotten, discovered only years from now when they pick up a dusty phone in some closet and you're all "Oh good, FINALLY!"? Off panel: Or what if they pick up right now while you're out wandering around with nothing in your hands?? T-Rex: OH FRIG, MY PHONE T-Rex (punchline): AND MY PANTS, OH FRIG, HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN GOING OUT WITHOUT FRIGGIN' PANTS

what's that? you say you think deeply about the connection between our ability for metaphor and our ability to express new ideas we haven't thought of before?? ...you know, i find such conversations happen much better, um, naked

T-Rex: Hello! Do you want to find someone to commit to and share THE ENTIRE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH? Because you don't have to! You can just have fun sex with each other and that's it! T-Rex: We invented that! T-Rex: We call it "casual sex"! T-Rex: ...Still here? You heard what I said about casual sex, right? And yet you're not out looking for casual sex partners RIGHT NOW? Hmm. Maybe I didn't explain it right. Okay. T-Rex: You know how at the office when there's casual Fridays, and you look forward to it all week? What if it was casual Friday every day? And rather than going into work, you straight-up had cool sex instead?? Utahraptor: Why, I'd be fired! T-Rex: It's a metaphor! T-Rex: Or an analogy. It's that thing where I compare two things to make you agree with me, you know? Utahraptor: Analogy. T-Rex: But there's metaphorical elements to it. Is there, like, a special name for that kind of analogy? God: T-REX YOU HAVE TURNED A CONVERSATION ABOUT SEX INTO A DISCUSSION ABOUT LITERARY TECHNIQUES T-Rex: Obvs! That's how come I get so much casual sex!! God: I MEAN God (punchline): I'M NOT SURPRISED

if you are not ending every facebook post and comment with "lol wtf!" then may i respectfully submit you are not using facebook to its full potential

T-Rex: Have you ever been asked by a parent "what is going on in your life" only to realize you totally don't want to talk to them about your life? Lucky for you I can tell you Narrator: HOW TO BLUFF YOUR WAY THROUGH EVERY CONVERSATION WITH YOUR PARENTS ABOUT YOUR LIFE Dromiceiomimus: Normally I answer "How are things?" with "Good! You know, nothing new!" and that does the trick! T-Rex: STRICTLY AMATEUR HOUR, my friend. Your response leaves you open to further questions! Instead, simply memorize and recite this one phrase: "There's a lot going on, but I can't talk about it just yet. What about you?" Utahraptor: Surely that just kicks the can down the road! T-Rex: Right! T-Rex: But when you ARE finally called on it, cornered with no hope but to reply, then simply recite THIS one phrase instead: "I was avoiding the question as I'm uncomfortable talking about my own life in that way. Lol wtf!" Utahraptor: Do I have to say the "Lol wtf" part? T-Rex: YEP THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT MAGIC Narrator: THE END Narrator: PS YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY TRY THIS, NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN I PROMISE* Narrator (punchline): *I AM A FICTIONAL COMIC STRIP NARRATOR, NOBODY LISTEN TO ME

and if so, how hot?? like on a scale of one to "wow, that's frankly too hot"

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Our first letter comes from Pete! It says, "Hey Professor, how can I know when a girl likes me? From Pete." [no text] T-Rex: Peteeeeeey has a giiiiiirlfriiiiiend!! Dromiceiomimus: Petey do you want to smooch on her face? Petey do you want to kiss her on her body?? T-Rex: Petey do you want to hold her hand and tell her how important she is to you? Dromiceiomimus: PETEY DO YOU WANT TO WORK TOGETHER WITH HER ON PROJECTS AND ACTIVITIES?? Utahraptor: Petey do you want to create the deepest interpersonal connection you've ever experienced with her? T-Rex: OMG, Petey! T-Rex: Petey do you want to commit to someone without fear, share yourself without shame, find in yourself the amazing beautiful person you'd always hoped you'd become as she finds it in herself too? Utahraptor: Petey do you want to wake up in love and go to bed even more in love every day for the rest of your life?? T-Rex: Listen, Petey, do you want to let me know if she has a hot sister?? T-Rex (punchline): This sounds real nice

we were the only two people in the elevator; I KNOW IT WAS YOU

Narrator: I KNOW IT WAS YOU WHO FARTED Narrator: a web card T-Rex: oh my god T-Rex: oh my god T-Rex: i can taste it T-Rex: i think it's like - discolouring my skin T-Rex: i'm not even joking Utahraptor: Hey what's up? [no text] Narrator: ANYWAY YEAH THAT'S BASICALLY HOW IT WENT DOWN Narrator: ENJOY THE WEB CARD, SMELLY Narrator (punchline): AND MAYBE SEE A DOCTOR; THERE ARE THINGS THAT ARE WRONG INSIDE YOU

TEENS: t-rex's line in panel 3 is a good pickup line! NON-TEENS: don't tell them it'll be HILARIOUS

T-Rex: Let's pretend we are... T-Rex: TEENS! T-Rex: Hello! I am old enough to be a sexual being! Dromiceiomimus: Neato! Dromiceiomimus: Me too Utahraptor: I'm old enough to drink! T-Rex: Legally! T-Rex: Because, as you know, there's nothing preventing you from drinking earlier except the unexamined idea that laws invented by other people are worth observing. [no text]

which excretions? oh, it's cute you think i discriminate.

T-Rex: Let's pretend we are... T-Rex: BABIES! T-Rex: I cannot survive on my own and have yet to learn how to control my excretions! Dromiceiomimus: Tell me about it! OH WAIT YOU CAN'T SINCE WE'RE NOT LINGUISTIC. Utahraptor: I have more to look forward to in this moment than I ever will have again! T-Rex: Correct! T-Rex: Wow. That's sad, isn't it? As adults, our futures become smaller and smaller each day. Utahraptor: YEP. Utahraptor: Oh well! AT LEAST WE GET CLOUDING MINDS, BRITTLE BONES, AND FAILING ORGANS IN EXCHANGE?? T-Rex: ...Wait. T-Rex: Wait, that's not a joke! Dude, that's literally what happens to us!! Ahhh! T-Rex (punchline): AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"one day a universe exploded and everyone died" OH NO I DID IT AGAIN "it was a multiverse" OH CRAP IT KEEPS HAPPENING "the multiverse was called puppy multiverse 2000" AW GEEZ, AW GEEZ

T-Rex: You wake up in a world where electricity doesn't exist anymore! Dang! T-Rex: You really crapped the bed on this one! T-Rex: You try to turn on the light but it doesn't work because, hey, no electricity. So you think you'll go into work in your electric car but - Dromiceiomimus: - no electricity? T-Rex: EXACTLY. Dromiceiomimus: Props on me for owning an electric car though. T-Rex: Yeah, I mean, it's nice. Utahraptor: I decide to take my regular car! T-Rex: Still doesn't work! Batteries, yo! Utahraptor: I realize I can't move OR breathe since muscle control is electrical, so I suffocate, but it's no big deal since my brain is also electrical so I'M ALREADY DEAD. Everyone's INSTA-DEAD, yo. Thanks T-Rex! T-Rex: Wait, no, I didn't - Utahraptor: TOO LATE WE'RE ALL CORPSES Off panel: I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL YOUR MOM YOU KILLED AN ENTIRE IMAGINARY PLANET FOR NO REASON T-Rex: Nooooo Off panel: HOW MANY IMAGINARY FUNERALS ARE YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR, T-REX?? T-Rex (punchline): Nooooo, it's like - WAY too many

i didn't know things could be this awesome; REALITY SUCKS NOW

T-Rex: Hmm... right now I could be bettering myself and the world we all share. Devil: OR YOU COULD PLAY VIDEO GAMES T-Rex: DANG IT, HE'S GOT ME THERE! Narrator: T-REX'S BUSY DAY T-Rex: Maybe I should go on a diet! Devil: OR MAYBE Devil: AND STAY WITH ME Devil: MAYBE YOU SHOULD PLAY VIDEO GAMES T-Rex: Oh snap, maybe!! Utahraptor: T-Rex, want to come to a party tonight? T-Rex: Sure, I - Devil: VIDEO GAMES T-Rex: Nevermind! Utahraptor: T-Rex maybe we all think you've been playing too many video games lately! Devil: OR MAYBE WE ALL THINK THERE'S A NEW VIDEO GAME OUT WHERE YOU CAN RAMP A HORSE OFF A ROOF AND THEN THE HORSE LANDS ON A PLANE AND PUNCHES ENOUGH THAT SHE TAKES OVER THE PLANE T-Rex: OH MY GOD I need to go do that! Devil: THEN THE HORSE KICKS OUT THE OLD PILOT AND SAYS "BALE OUT" LIKE BALE AS IN HAY T-Rex (punchline): Every second I'm not playing this game is a second I WILL LITERALLY REGRET ON MY DEATH BED, AHHHHHHHHH

ADDITIONAL FLAGS: howudoin, IM A DUDE

T-Rex: We're getting near the end of the year! You know what that means... T-Rex: TIME TO PREDICT THE FUTURE, BABIES! T-Rex: And I am here to tell you that one hundred years from now, the internet will be much faster and our phones will be much cooler. For example, we'll be able to take pictures with them and apply filters that NOT ONLY make the colours messed up but ALSO add in cool explosions to the background!! T-Rex: I, FOR ONE, CANNOT WAIT. Utahraptor: How come you futurists always just add to existing technology? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: A hundred years from now and we're still messing around with phones we have to hold in our hands? A hundred years from now if I can't chat up the hotties telepathically then WE HAVE TRULY BEEN WASTING OUR TIME AND POTENTIAL. T-Rex: Telepathic hottie chat?? Narrator: TELEPATHIC HOTTIE CHAT: T-Rex: [thinks] Hey baby do u like to kiss on dudes?? bc IM A DUDE T-Rex (punchline): [thinks in a different font] SEND TO: all hotties / REGIONS: all / FLAGS: important, must-read, NOT A JOKE

this winter, everyone will get exactly what they wanted for christmas... and more.

T-Rex: In my new movie script, THERE'S TROUBLE AT THE NORTH POLE. With more than seven billion people on Earth, Santa can't keep up! T-Rex: Even if a bunch of them don't do Christmas it's still like, WAY too many! Dromiceiomimus: Does this mean Christmas is... CANCELLED?? T-Rex: NO, because Santa asks his elves to build him a duplicating ray. He duplicates himself and the toys, so now kids can get twice the toys in half the time. Christmas is saved! Dromiceiomimus: Oh okay! Dromiceiomimus: Phew T-Rex: But THEN it turns out the duplicates were evil, and evil Santa fires the ray at the Earth itself! Utahraptor: Oh no! T-Rex: A second Earth appears beside the first one, and gravity smashes the two planets together, killing billions. Those who survive struggle to even move on this heavy new Earth, but must now battle their evil counterparts for control of the planet's double-sized nuclear arsenal!! T-Rex: I call my film, "A Christmas Carol". My hope is people will rent it by accident! T-Rex: "This isn't how I remember this movie going, and yet, I find I cannot complain". T-Rex (punchline): --EVERYONE??

#JOGE: that's what the future internet calls jokes! We all screwed up!!

Narrator: TRENDING TOPICS IN 2014 Narrator: #OMG T-Rex: In the future, it stands for "Only Muscles (Are) Good"! T-Rex: YES Narrator: #SEX T-Rex: I just want to talk about sex in the new year! Dromiceiomimus: Man, I hear that God: HOLLA Narrator: #CHUCKLES T-Rex: Folks love to chuckle in 2014! Utahraptor: I can't wait!! Narrator: #OTHERPEOPLIES T-Rex: Like selfies, but you turn the camera around so it takes a picture of everyone EXCEPT you! Certain "otherpeoplies" will be so good that some will turn pro, their WHOLE JOBS being just to take pics of strangers! Utahraptor: Whoaaaah Narrator: #SKYBUMS T-Rex: Photos of butts in (and on!) airplanes. I dunno, the future's rude sometimes? T-Rex (punchline): TRY TO ACT SURPRISED??

everyone stop programming computers right now!! I FOUND OUT FUNGUS CAN BE GROSS

T-Rex: Hello, class! Ever want to program your own computer game? T-Rex: You HAVE?? T-Rex: Well frig! THAT'S a bit of good news, because we're going to learn precisely how to do JUST THAT today! T-Rex: First off, you're gonna need a computer and a game idea. If you don't have a game idea, here's one you can use for free: what if there was a cute li'l ant who wanted to help its friends build up their ant colony some? Utahraptor: YES. And you can play as the parasitoidal fungus! T-Rex: The what? Utahraptor: You grow inside an ant's body and take over its brain so you can move to the leaf you want. Then you consume its body for food, and THEN you force a stalk full of spores - your reproductive structure - to grow right out of the ant's head. T-Rex: ...Does this happen in real life?? Utahraptor: Every day, dude. T-Rex: ATTENTION CLASS! T-Rex (punchline): Programming class is cancelled in favour of a new and neverending lecture series on how life is nasty, brutish, and way barfworthy

utahraptor PLEASE there are already 363 other days in the year to hang out where you don't have to give me stuff and i already hear more than enough bellyaching on my birthday

T-Rex: It's Christmas Eve! Why do I feel like I'm forgetting... T-Rex: ...something... T-Rex: OH DANGS AND TOOTS; I SERIOUSLY FORGOT TO GET ANYONE PRESENTS Dromiceiomimus: Don't worry about it, T-Rex! T-Rex: What? T-Rex: ...Really? Utahraptor: Yeah, I'm cool too! It's nice just to see you, you know? T-Rex: WHAT'S GOING ON?? Utahraptor: I mean, I guess it's weird, but I think I'm at the point in my life where I look forward to seeing family and friends at Christmas way more than I look forward to making them do my shopping for me - you know? Also, I can't tell them exactly what I want when they go shopping, so they have to guess. Off panel: And this one aunt keeps buying me chocolates and I'm like, yo, I have plenty of chocolate already, can't we hang out and be chill without you buying me things I don't need? Is it so weird to want that? Am I crazy?? T-Rex: Utahraptor T-Rex (punchline): Gimme them chocolates

WAKING UP AT 1AM REMEMBERING AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE THAT YOU FORGOT TO REPLY TO: already got this nailed! thanks, brain!!

T-Rex: If you are on a page with six different flashing "download now!" buttons, I'm way good at knowing which one is the link to the actual file you want! T-Rex: Ladies. Narrator: USEFUL SKILLS FOR THE NEW YEAR Narrator: GOOD AT CAPTCHAS T-Rex: Do you ever wonder if computers are the ones training us to do their reading for them, for when the robot revolution comes? Like, perhaps the Earth will be coated with a haze that distorts letters in weird and bendy ways and they'll need us to read their refueling instructions? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, constantly Narrator: DOESN'T FORGET TO CHARGE PERSONAL ELECTRONICS Utahraptor: Be still my beating heart! T-Rex: So sexy! Narrator: NOT READING THE COMMENTS T-Rex: Turns out all you need is a desire NOT to interact with homophobic, racist strangers! T-Rex and Utahraptor: WHO KNEW Narrator: WRITING BACK TO ALL EMAILS WITH JUST "haha cool" REGARDLESS OF SENDER OR MESSAGE CONTENT T-Rex: I don't get that many emails anymore! Off panel: Nice! T-Rex (punchline): Yes, truly, this IS what freedom tastes like

new year's resolution: sell less labour, blast more quads

T-Rex: In the new year, I resolve to goof off less! After all, time is money! T-Rex: ... T-Rex: WAIT, THAT'S A COMPLETE LIE T-Rex: Time is the opposite of money! If I have money but no time then I can buy things I would've otherwise made for myself, like for example a nice woven basket. But if I have time but no money, I can weave the basket myself for free!! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, do you... WANT a woven basket? T-Rex: No thanks, I find them extremely boring!! Utahraptor: You could even sell those baskets, make a little money! T-Rex: Yeah man! Utahraptor: Thereby transforming your time INTO money, which is what that saying is getting at. No matter what you do, T-Rex, every choice carries with it an opportunity cost. Each second of each day brings us a new chance to sell our labour. Narrator (punchline): HAPPY NEW YEAR

three dramas in a row? geez man i'm not a teenager anymore

T-Rex: "Writing is hard!" - you know who says this? NON-WRITERS. That's because REAL writers know the secret: T-Rex: Writing is, like, way super easy! Narrator: THE SECRET TO HOW TO BE REAL GOOD AT WRITING STUFF. T-Rex: Here's the secret: YOU HAVE A BODY. Dromiceiomimus: That's no secret, baby! T-Rex: Haha, TRUE, but your body has some involuntary responses: if it gets cold, you shiver! If it's too warm, you sweat! If something's funny, YOU LAUGH. If something's insanely erotic, YOU MAKE SURE NOBODY'S LOOKING AND THEN, I DUNNO, LOCK THE DOOR OR WHATEVER. Utahraptor: Oh my gosh, you're saying - T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: Comedy and erotica are the two easiest genres to write, because your body lets you know when you're doing it well! You don't even have to think about it. Drama's stupid hard because we don't have a drama organ that reacts when it sees good drama. I tell you, if drama was as engaging as erotica, I'd write a lot more of it. T-Rex: Well, that's not true. I'd read a lot more drama, and I'd be really into that drama, and then SUPER into that drama, and then SUPER SUPER into that drama, and then suddenly not into the drama at all and reaaaal sleepy. T-Rex (punchline): Real talk??

CAN'T REALLY SAY THAT I CARE TO EITHER

T-Rex: Who is the best at video games? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I put to you a simple answer: T-Rex: ME. T-Rex: And may I present, exhibit A: a picture of me next to a video game box and giving a thumbs up. Exhibit B: a picture of someone else throwing their controller away in frustration, while in contrast I'M holding my controller calmly and winking coquettishly at the camera. Exhibit C: fan art I made of me and Shigeru Miyamoto where he's holding a sign that says "T-Rex rules at games!! Signed, me, Shigeru Miyamoto". T-Rex: He invented Mario! Utahraptor: Objection! BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I KNOW WHO HE IS. Utahraptor: There's only one way to settle this, and that is for us to play EVERY SINGLE VIDEO GAME EVER MADE and see who is the best at each of them. T-Rex: YOU'RE ON. Trial adjourned! Utahraptor: Yeah I was gonna ask about that trial thing, but you know what, nevermind Narrator: SIXTEEN WEEKS LATER: Off panel: Hey, remember when we had, like, jobs? T-Rex: HAH HAH HAH T-Rex (punchline): NOPE

THE CREATIVITY AND INVENTION OF EARTH-NATIVES JUST GOT... /SUPER-SASSED/

God: T-REX TELL ME A SUPERMAN STORY T-Rex: Sure! One day Superman was battling skyscraper-sized robots from Mars in downtown Metropolis! God: I LIKE IT ALREADY T-Rex: ...I - I do too, actually! T-Rex: Okay, so Superman punches the robots but then one grabs him in its hand and tries to squeeze him to death. Superman uses his heat vision to melt the arm off, then swings it around like a baseball bat to knock that robot into the nearby ocean. This fries the robot's systems, which gives Superman an idea! T-Rex: He runs towards Puerto Rico at super-speed! Utahraptor: The Arecibo Observatory! Of course! T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: He fills the giant satellite dish thingy with water and dumps it on the other robots. Earth is saved! Utahraptor: And all it cost us was the largest radio telescope on the planet! T-Rex: "How useful was it," Superman says, "if it never even noticed there were colossal robots on Mars." T-Rex: "Ziiiing." Narrator (punchline): THE END

i mean, we ARE pretty good pals so when it comes to my end words such a thing is to be expected

T-Rex: One day it turns out that climate change is real! OH SNAP, BET Y'ALL WISH YOU DIDN'T EMIT ALL THOSE GREENHOUSE GASES "JUST TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS" NOW, HUH? T-Rex: But climate didn't change in the way we expected! T-Rex: Rather than increasingly severe and unusual weather systems, instead climate changed in a way nobody anticipated... it became SELF-AWARE. It became... ALIVE. And it became ANGRY. Dromiceiomimus: Does the climate take a name? "Gaia"? "Terra"? T-Rex: INDEED IT DOES: "Little Mister Chubby Cheeks." Utahraptor: "Little Mister Chubby Cheeks". T-Rex: It's such an awesome name! T-Rex: "Save us from Little Mister Chubby Cheeks" everyone cried as a volcano erupted in NYC! "Oh, Little Mister Chubby Cheeks, if only I'd recycled more, but it's too late now since lava is turning me into a skeleton!". Utahraptor: It's like - do you do this on purpose? Or is this just what you think stories look like? T-Rex: ...is what Utahraptor cried before he got struck by five lightnings at once! "PS: T-Rex rules and I'm glad we're friends" were his last words! THE END. Off panel: Well, I mean Off panel (punchline): That's fair

ON A TYPICAL FRIDAY NIGHT I AM: walking around in low-cut shoes, got my toes out

T-Rex: I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT: pizza T-Rex: WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE: machines Off panel: Donatello! T-Rex: Congratulations Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: You win this round of "Guess the famous person from their dating profile"! Dromiceiomimus: This is a fun game for friends to play. T-Rex: AGREED! Utahraptor: THE FIRST THING PEOPLE USUALLY NOTICE ABOUT ME: cool toes T-Rex: Aw come on! T-Rex: Utahraptor, it's supposed to be famous people, not yourself!! Utahraptor: You did a Ninja Turtle! That's not even a real person, and my toes ARE rad! T-Rex: WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE: being big into my own friggin' toes Off panel: SIX THINGS I COULD NEVER DO WITHOUT: actually I have six toes so this works out well! T-Rex (punchline): Yo, some days I wonder why I walk past Dromiceiomimus so quickly

i don't even see what the big deal is about adopting five dalmatians anyway

T-Rex: Computers "speak" in binary, which is 1s and 0s! T-Rex: I PROMISE THIS WILL BE WORTH IT Dromiceiomimus: Well, that's not actually true. Computers "speak" in electrical signals, which vary but if they are above a certain threshold get treated as a "1" and otherwise as a "0". Dromiceiomimus: ...Well, actually that's not quite true either. MOST computers "speak" in electrical signals, but you can build 1s and 0s out of other things, like quantum-mechanical qubits. Utahraptor: ...Well, that's not actually true. Not all computers use binary! T-Rex: WOW SO INTERESTING Utahraptor: You can build trinary machines that use three digits (0, 1, and -1) which can allow for more efficient computation! T-Rex: Listen, I just wanted to teach people how to spell "sweet cans" in binary. Is that too much to ask? Off panel: Well, I mean, it depends on your encoding scheme. T-Rex: OKAY FINE I ENCODE IT AS "101", THE END T-Rex: EVERY TIME YOU SEE "101 DALMATIANS" THINK OF ME T-Rex: AND SWEET CANS T-Rex: IN THAT ORDER T-Rex (punchline): THANKS

T-REX you have PERSONALLY TRAVELLED THROUGH TIME how do you even FORGET THAT

T-Rex: Friends, Romans, countrymen! Lend me your ears! God: THAT'S PLAGIARIZED FROM SHAKESPEARE YO T-Rex: ...Right. I meant it as a reference, but fine. T-Rex: Okay! T-Rex: Hey... guys! Listen to my words that I'm breathing on you with my ol' wetbreath!! God: SWEET NOBODY HAS EVER SAID THAT BEFORE YOU'RE IN GOOD SHAPE THERE T-Rex: Good. Though honestly I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as a WHOLLY original sentenc-- God: MACBETH God: THERE'S NO SUCH THING God: IS A THING MACBETH SAYS IN HIS EPONYMOUS PLAY MACBETH T-Rex: Oh no, can I say "is"? Did Shakespeare say "is" so now none of us can say "is" anymore because of plagiarisms? Utahraptor: Huh? T-Rex: How do we know SHAKESPEARE didn't plagiarize? Maybe he lived next door to a dude who'd stone-cold open his windows to shout "to sleep, perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub!!" and then slam 'em shut again! And maybe that dude was a time traveller! And maybe I'M that dude so really SHAKESPEARE plagiarized ME!! Off panel: So your defence against plagiarism relies upon time travel being discovered in our lifetimes. T-Rex: Nuh-uh! It doesn't matter WHEN it's found, as long as I'm gifted a machine by time travellers in MY lifetime! T-Rex (punchline): ...Now would be a good time

they... they grow back

God: T-REX TELL ME A BATMAN STORY T-Rex: But of course! T-Rex: One day Batman was fighting the Joker on a giant typewriter! T-Rex: "This reminds me of some of my previous adventures," Batman thought to himself, while typing out "k you need 2 go 2 jail now" on the keyboard. The giant keys rained punishing blows on the Joker's struggling form!! Dromiceiomimus: Sounds like Batman's winning! T-Rex: He was, until the Joker sprayed acid from his lapel flower onto the typewriter! T-Rex: The acid combined with the exotic metal of the typewriter to produce a strange gas which - Girl: [small] Batman sucks!! T-Rex: ...What? T-Rex: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? Utahraptor: I didn't say anything! T-Rex: I don't see anyone else here! And SOMEONE just opined Batman to be a sucky dude, A BLATANT AND ACTIONABLE FALSEHOOD!! Off panel: [small] Batman isn't even as good as a turd in a blanket Sound effect: *pop* Sound effect: *pop* T-Rex (punchline): Ah yes, the familiar sound of my eardrums exploding of their own volition rather than listen to even one more HORRIBLE LIE

oh i'm sorry, i misread my notes. a good story doesn't need conflict, it needs "CON FLICT", the ex-con with a heart of gold who's trying to go straight and has nothing left to lose. okay. put her in that story with those makeout aliens that everyone likes.

T-Rex: A good story needs conflict! Narrator: STORY CORNER Narrator: with t-rex T-Rex: Luckily for you, a good EDUCATION in story doesn't need conflict; all we need are easy-to-understand facts presented clearly. So that's what this is. T-Rex: To reiterate, put conflict in your stories, and then, the stories are good now. T-Rex: The end. Utahraptor: What sort of conflict should be presented? T-Rex: Any kind is acceptable! T-Rex: I am partial to "sandwich artist vs. sandwich" but am willing to entertain argument made in favour of "spaceship vs. cooler spaceship". Utahraptor: Thanks for your help, T-Rex! There is no conflict between us. T-Rex: Excellent. T-Rex: I concur. Narrator: LATER THE MOON EXPLODES, AND SEXY ALIENS COME OUT OF THE EXPLOSION, AND THEY MAKE OUT WITH EVERYONE ON EARTH, AND EVERYONE'S SO COOL WITH THAT: T-Rex: I take back what I said about good stories needing conflict!! T-Rex (punchline): THIS IS AMAZING

on second thought maybe i don't wanna hang out with him right now anyway

T-Rex: You want to kiss on someone rad? Okay! T-Rex: That's weird but whatever! Narrator: HOW TO KISS ON A PERSON Narrator: for real this time T-Rex: Here's what you wanna do: you wanna take the outer edge of your digestive tract and, with their consent, push it up against the entrance (and, when they vomit, exit) of someone else's digestive tract. Let fluid flow through that exchange. If you're cheeky, maybe push that wet, prehensile muscle out from your mouth and partially into theirs. You know - move it around a li'l. T-Rex: See what you taste. Utahraptor: Who are you and what have you done with T-Rex?? T-Rex: I'm T-Rex, the sentient dinosaur! Utahraptor: The REAL T-Rex LOVES kissing, and he would never describe his tongue as "a wet prehensile muscle"!! Utahraptor: Well, okay, he might do that actually. But in a POSITIVE way. He'd be big into it. Utahraptor: "Look how prehensile it is," he'd say. T-Rex: Using my prehensile powers I can shape my tongue thusly, turning it into a tiny waterslide for this lump of food left over from some larger food that I ate earlier!! Off panel: Like that; precisely. Off panel (punchline): ...Okay I guess you're really him NEVERMIND

antonio tony is t-rex's erotic fiction character. sometimes it takes antonio a little time to get going, is the thing. there's NO shame in that.

T-Rex: Antonio Tony wakes up in a world without fiction! All around him are facts, and facts only! T-Rex: The people on this planet have never conceived of things that haven't happened! T-Rex: In this incredible world, Antonio - Dromiceiomimus: Do the people there have cars? T-Rex: Huh? Yeah. Yeah, they've got cars. Dromiceiomimus: But how did they invent them if invention is the act of imagining and then creating things that don't yet exist? How do they have paintings? Music? RAD FANART?? Utahraptor: Yeah, how do they even talk to each other? T-Rex: EASILY AND FACTUALLY. T-Rex: WHICH WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS, actually, in case you - Utahraptor: But language involves metaphor, which is a creative act! What happens if someone shouts "It's raining cats and dogs"?? T-Rex: The same thing that happens when I shout "It's raining whooby whabba zoop-zoop", OKAY?? T-Rex: ...which is to say, I get kicked out of the restaurant and then my date doesn't think I'm so cool anymore. T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): It was raining real hard though, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

one day spider-man punched a vampire so hard the vampire turned into a reverse vampire. alright! so can i mark you down as... INTRIGUED??

God: T-REX TELL ME A SPIDER-MAN STORY T-Rex: Can do! One day bullied teen John Spiderman got bit by a spider! T-Rex: And that spider itself had been bit by an adult man! T-Rex: John found he now had the proportional speed and strength of a spider, AND the insecurities of a man. To be perfectly clear: he had the worries of the kind of man who would put a spider in his mouth, bite that spider, and then let the spider go on its merry way. Dromiceiomimus: Must have been a pretty big spider, yeah? T-Rex: Big wiggly hairy one, yeah. Dude just straight-up mouthed it. Utahraptor: T-Rex, it's me, Utahraptor! Utahraptor from the future!! T-Rex: Whoah, really? Utahraptor: YES. I CAME BACK TO WARN YOU: your John Spiderman story is sucky and dumb!! T-Rex: Huh? Wait, does my story destabilize the space-time continuum or what? Utahraptor: No, I just don't care for it! Utahraptor: Listen, time travel's cheap in the future. Off panel (punchline): Also I got ruuuuude

DID YOU KNOW: the snake in the garden of eden isn't specifically named "slippy" in the bible, but then again, neither is the snake in the garden of eden specifically NOT named "slippy"

God: T-REX TELL ME A BIBLE STORY T-Rex: Alright, I... um. T-Rex: Huh. T-Rex: [small] iguessishouldvereadthebibleatsomepoint God: WHAT WAS THAT T-Rex: I didn't know there'd be a quiz!! Anyway, I know the highlights: Adam and Eve, garden of Eden, and there's a talking snake which honestly is a PRETTY GUTSY thing to open up a religious text with. You're all "this is a very serious book, everyone. Okay! Here's Slippy the Talking Snake!" God: WHATEVER DUDE NORSE MYTHOLOGY HAS FÁFNIR THE TALKING DRAGON T-Rex: SERIOUSLY?? T-Rex: Trading up religions to Norse mythology forever now!! I didn't know DRAGONS were an option! Utahraptor: And dwarfs! Utahraptor: Actually, Fáfnir's a dwarf who got turned INTO a dragon, and then he gets killed by Gram, who is a magic sword. Magic swords get names in Norse mythology. T-Rex: OMG T-Rex: So many wasted years spent in non-Norse society Off panel: Also, there's a boat made entirely out of fingernails. T-Rex: WHY T-Rex: didn't anyone TELL ME T-Rex (punchline): that religions with GROSS BOATS and SWORDS were a VIABLE OPTION

all you need is a shop called "mysterious ways" and then technically a lot of people could work in mysterious ways

T-Rex: I dropped my favourite mug and now it's broken! Now all I have are sucky pieces of a broken mug! God: THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON T-REX T-Rex: Yes, my mug broke because I dropped it from a terminal height! God: NO I MEANT MORE IN THE SENSE THAT I WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS T-Rex: Ahhh, I get what you're saying! My mug broke because its kinetic energy derived from gravitational potential energy was converted into an impact force beyond the mug's ability to withstand, but the precise values of those calculations are way mysterious until I run the numbers. T-Rex: Of course!! Utahraptor: I'm sorry about your mug, but things happen for a reason, T-Rex! T-Rex: That's what I'm saying! I agree 100%!! T-Rex: My mug fell because I loosened my grasp on it, allowing the myosin molecules that had bonded with actin molecules in my hands to dissolve their crossbridge bond, causing the mug to slip! There's always a clear causality chain that we can use to determine the origin of things happening. Phew! T-Rex: People say things happen for a reason, but I'm pretty sure things happen because they're what people made happen through their previous actions! T-Rex: Ahhhh, yes. T-Rex (punchline): How perfectly reasonable

we have some good times here

Narrator: DINO CHUCKLES Narrator: part 1 T-Rex: Hey guys it's me, "T-Rex", or as some people call me, "Dino Chuckles". Dromiceiomimus: Nobody calls you that. T-Rex: Well they're about to start, once they hear my sweet chuckles! Utahraptor: So lay these chuckleprompts on me! T-Rex: It will be my pleasure! And YOUR chuckle! T-Rex: One day I tried to sell a story about a talking dog, but people thought the premise was too - Utahraptor: If you say "far-fetched" then I'm leaving T-Rex: FAR-FETCHED?? Narrator: THIS COMIC WAS NARRATED TO ME LIVE BY ANDREW HUSSIE Narrator: AUTHOR OF HOMESTUCK AND BELOVED CREATOR OF NAMCO HIGH Narrator (punchline): BEHOLD HIM NOW, AS HE TRULY IS

"i think this cool genre has great potential!" deduced watson correctly.

God: T-REX TELL ME A SHERLOCK HOLMES STORY T-Rex: Not a problem! T-Rex: I call this tale, "Sherlock Holmes and Aaron Who Smells". T-Rex: "You smell really bad!" Sherlock correctly deduces at Aaron! T-Rex: "Furthermore, I can deduce from your stupid shirt that you're a big jerk who sucks", Sherlock continues. Aaron was this guy who always insulted me, the author, in grade three. In real life, I mean! I spent a long time thinking of how I could get back at him, then one day I overheard someone else say "back to you" when THEY got insulted, and it seemed to be an unstoppable retort! I WAS FINALLY READY. T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes agrees with me that digression is interesting! Utahraptor: Did your plan work? T-Rex: Briefly! T-Rex: But then Aaron said "back to you with no returns", and I was trapped. He had delivered the insult back to me and I could not return it!! Anyway Sherlock Holmes heard about how this happened and decided to take the case and later he found out Aaron actually sucked out loud. T-Rex: THE END. Off panel: ...Seriously, it's like you're inventing new genres all the time. What's this? Fanfic autobio? T-Rex: Pfft. I invented that YEARS ago. THIS is Fanfic Autobio Detective Mystery With Batman Showing Up Later. T-Rex (punchline): Oh! And Then He Lets Me Drive His Plane!!

so hey anyway... what do you imagine we're doing

Narrator: MAILBAG TIME WITH GOD T-Rex: God! Someone sent YOU a letter for once! Name's "Charles 'Cheeks' Anderson". God: WHAT DOES IT SAY T-Rex: "Dear God, where did I put my glasses?" God: OH THAT'S AN EASY ONE CHEEKS THEY'RE ON TOP OF THE REFRIGERATOR God: MAN I WAS WORRIED IT WOULD BE A HARD QUESTION LIKE WHAT IF ALL THE TIME AND ENERGY PEOPLE PUT INTO HAVING AND THINKING ABOUT SEX WAS PUT INTO BETTERING THE PHYSICAL WORLD INSTEAD God: HAH HAH God: PHEW AM I RIGHT T-Rex: ... Utahraptor: What's up, T-Rex? T-Rex: It's weird, isn't it? If you even just THINK about sex for five minutes a day, that's over a full day each year LOST. Man! Think of all the things we could do with an extra day each year!! Utahraptor: I dunno. I'd probably spend it havin' sex. T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR, NO Off panel: Besides, it's not like I stop whatever else I'm doing while I think up sex stuff - heck, I could be thinking of crazy sex stuff right now! In fact, that sounds real nice!! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR T-Rex (punchline): NOOOOOOOOO

better go cry into my holodeck, where only the tears are real

T-Rex: In the 1900s, people thought we could build a computer to solve all our disagreements for us! Just feed in the facts of the dispute, and a perfectly logical solution would come out the other end! T-Rex: HAH HAH HAH T-Rex: OH WOW Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex it's gauche to laugh at the past!! They didn't know what we know! T-Rex: Obviously they didn't, since none of them ever realized history's TECHNICALLY just the lengthy, character-heavy, digression-filled, and extremely complicated prequel to ME, the real star of the show! And THIS star thinks history people are rubes! Utahraptor: Stop badmouthing history! T-Rex: I'm not gonna!! T-Rex: This is what people in history are like: "Duh, should we invent antibiotics? No let's wait 1000 years for that instead!! PS: WITCHES ARE REAL". People from history are directly responsible for the current state of the world, and they've left US to run around and pick up the pieces of THEIR mess! Off panel: You realize future people are probably saying EXACTLY the same thing about us, right? T-Rex: "Oh boo hoo!! I live in the future and I'm mad about T-Rex from the past, better cry into my FLYING CAR THAT TALKS" T-Rex (punchline): Before you say it YES I'M JEALOUS

brb starting an internet petition to rename the popemobile to the TARDIF (Time And Relative Dimensions In Faith)

T-Rex: There is a person who has been with us for generations. Centuries! MILLENNIA! He has a name, but we always refer to him by his title instead. And it's a title that not everyone gets to have! Narrator: GUESS THE CHARACTER T-Rex: You'll find him everywhere from 5th century Europe to modern-day London, and beyond! His travels take him through space and time, though he does spend an AWFUL amount of time on Earth. And if he gets too old, or injured, or the person in the role doesn't want the job anymore, a regeneration process begins after which we all get to see a new version of this guy with a new body and altered personality! One last hint: he's ALWAYS a man, and he travels in a UNIQUE VEHICLE. Utahraptor: Aha! We're talking about Doctor Who! T-Rex: No, I don't know that person. It's the Pope!! T-Rex: You've heard of him, right? His regeneration process gets us a new Pope, and we're all, "ooh, what's THIS Pope like? Maybe he'll be a ginger this time!" Utahraptor: Again, that is a Doctor Who thi- T-Rex: AGAIN I'M SORRY BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS. Seriously. Have you not heard of the Pope?? T-Rex: He usually travels with one or more companions who help him on his adventures! Off panel: STOP SAYING THE POPE IS FROM DOCTOR WHO Off panel: JUST Off panel (punchline): JUST STOP MAKING ME REALLY WANT TO READ ABOUT THE POPE SO I CAN UNCOVER MORE OF THESE INCREDIBLE PARALLELS

my soup rules, i cannot deny it

T-Rex: Okay I KINDA FIGURED this would be done by now, but apparently not? Apparently y'all be slacking hard?? T-Rex: I guess if you want something done, you have to describe in detail how to do it yourself!! T-Rex: Okay, first get a computer. Then, program that computer to take text as input and use semantic analysis to figure out the topic of that text. Then, use a synset database to find related words connected to that topic. Finally, replace any words in the text that have synonyms in your synset! So a text about bikes would replace "'I like bikes!' said Rob" with "'I like bikes!' SPOKE Rob". T-Rex: Because bikes have spokes!! T-Rex: And if Rob is tired, then the program will change "TIRED" to caps! Because bikes have tires!! Utahraptor: Aw man! Utahraptor: This is just software that adds crappy puns to everything! T-Rex: YES. Is it not brilliant? Utahraptor: Hmm. What's brilliant is I could run it in reverse and REMOVE crappy puns from anything. Oh man, it could be an email plugin! OR BETTER: a cochlear implant!! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Utahraptor, come over for lunch! I think you'll find my soup is, shall we say... SOUPERB?? Off panel: Hey, I just heard you bragging that your soup is, shall we say... QUITE GOOD?? T-Rex: Aw dang it T-Rex (punchline): It's true

this comic: inspired by holes

Off panel: Let's discuss your holes, T-Rex. [no text] T-Rex: Okay, you know what? YES. Let's discuss my holes! My body has many holes, including my earholes, which allow soundwaves to be entered and processed. I've got noseholes for smell, a mouthhole for food, and let's not forget my cloaca, my super-hot shared reproductive, intestinal, and urinary opening!! Dromiceiomimus: ONE-STOP SHOPPING, BAYBEE. Utahraptor: Not to mention your pores! T-Rex: Yes! Lots of holes there! T-Rex: Plus if you get to the subatomic level, my atoms are mostly empty space anyway, so really what are we but walking collections of holes at various convenient scales? Utahraptor: I'm convenient holes all the way down, T-Rex. T-Rex: YEP, THANKS. Narrator: EARLIER: Off panel: Let's discuss your holes, T-Rex. T-Rex: AHHHHHH T-Rex: ASK ME AGAIN IN A MONTH AND I'LL BE SO READY Off panel (punchline): Okay, cool

it only transmits emotions though; you don't actually get to go back in time. i guess i MAY have oversold this a little in panel two?

T-Rex: Wish you could relive the past, but don't have the technology? Here is how you create an instant T-Rex: REAL-LIFE AFFORDABLE TIME MACHINE T-Rex: One month, pick a song you like, and bonus points if you can tell it's the kind of song you'll get tired of later. Listen to the song, as often as you can! Listen to it on headphones, play it in your head while you're walking around - whatever! Dromiceiomimus: Keep it a constant presence in your life. T-Rex: Then, cut the song out cold turkey! Utahraptor: FORGET THE SONG. The song is dead to you now! T-Rex: Wait a few years, then load up that old mp3 file and play it for INSTANT RECOLLECTION of who you were and what you felt during that month when this one song got associated with EVERYTHING YOU DID. It works every time! T-Rex: I got the idea while watching my granddad cry when I played "The White Cliffs of Dover"! T-Rex: The other ideas I got were "Wow it's horrible watching elderly people cry, should I stop the music now or what?" and "God, why can't I pat people on the back and make it seem like a natural gesture??" T-Rex: So! T-Rex (punchline): That's three ideas in total!

IMPORTANT UPDATE: the alleyway is full of puppy toys and outdoor heaters and the other puppies aren't moving because the li'l guys are all tuckered out from a big day of playing with all their puppy pals! THE END.

God: T-REX YOUR ASSIGNMENT TODAY IS TO WRITE A POEM ABOUT SADNESS T-Rex: No problem! T-Rex: sadness T-Rex: equals badness!! T-Rex: Kapow! A perfect jewel of a poem that sums up my feelings about sadness: FRANKLY, I'm not for it. T-Rex: Sorry haters, but I gotta be me! I honestly don't care for sadness and would prefer, if given the option, to be not sad!! Utahraptor: Dude, poetry should evoke an emotion. Yours is basically an equation! T-Rex: HELLO?? T-Rex: I LITERALLY WROTE THE WORD "SADNESS". What could be more evocative of sadness than THE WORD WHICH MEANS THAT EXACT THING? Utahraptor: I dunno! An alleyway with a puppy shivering in a cardboard box, huddling closer to the unmoving bodies of her brothers and sisters?? T-Rex: Awww!! Dang it dude, why would you make me feel these dumb feelings? Now I gotta go home and silently peer out through a rainy window while I work through this!! T-Rex (punchline): I HAD PLANS TODAY, FOR YOUR INFORMATION

take a bite of this radish-flavoured cow. gross, right? now, try this carrot that tastes like pig flesh. way better, right? yeah, i think you're a vegetarian now.

Narrator: LET'S MAKE ANOTHER FOOD T-Rex: Today we're going to make a vegetarian food! T-Rex: Take some vegetables and put them in a bowl. T-Rex: THAT'S SALAD, WE'RE DONE HERE Dromiceiomimus: Come on man, vegetarian food is better than that! T-Rex: Really? Really. Dromiceiomimus: Yes! Did you know you can purchase "mock meat", which is vegetables textured and flavoured like animal flesh? I like an imitation beef, which is, of course, vegetables engineered to look and taste like the inside of a cow. T-Rex: Are there also vegetables induced to remind one of the taste of cooked chicken body parts? Utahraptor: YES! Utahraptor: Many such products even imitate the grain of a dead animal's flesh! T-Rex: Okay. That's the most bad-ass thing I've heard of anyone doing with vegetables in LITERALLY FOREVER. But how'd the VEGETARIANS invent meat-flavoured veggies before we did? That should've been our get! Off panel: My agents suggest it was practice for what the Vegetarians are privately calling Phase Two: VEGETABLE-FLAVOURED MEAT. T-Rex: Dear God! OH, DEAR GOD, KALE-FLAVOURED BEEF T-Rex (punchline): THAT'S HOW THEY'LL TURN US

i am perhaps unfairly picking on the beatles. very few musical groups, in any stage of history, have composed songs which incorporate viable advice for compile or run-time errors.

T-Rex: Hey Jude! T-Rex: Your make is bad! T-Rex: You should fix that T-Rex: compiler error! T-Rex: Remember T-Rex: to let it search the root path! T-Rex: Then you'll restart, T-Rex: and make it better. Utahraptor: That's actually really solid advice! T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex: The Beatles spent SO MUCH TIME worried about who loves whom (SPOILER: turns out she loves you, yeah yeah yeah) but that helps nobody! If they'd sung more songs about things that matter (and YES compiler errors beat feelings here) who knows where we'd be? Utahraptor: We can only wonder! Narrator: ONE UNIVERSE OVER: Off panel: ♪♫ I'll tell you something ♫♪ I think you'll understand ♪♫ When I say that something ♫♪ I wanna hold CO2 gas emissions at their 1950s level which will lead to a better 2014 for us all ♫♪ T-Rex (punchline): Hah, imagine if instead the lyrics were "I wanna hold your hand"? HILARIOUS

oh gosh i'm just the worst when it comes to other people's feelings

T-Rex: Worried about getting old? Worried the best years of your life have passed you by? T-Rex: I mean honestly that's possible but on the other hand Narrator: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE T-Rex: For example, you could become a piano prodigy at any point in your life! You may ALREADY be born with the innate talent required, ready to spill out the moment you sit down and try to play. And you could do that whenever - even when living in an old folks home! Dromiceiomimus: Great! The world will applaud my skill, but bemoan the fact I wasted SO MUCH of my life not doing the one thing I was great at! Utahraptor: Yeah, this isn't making me feel any better, T-Rex! T-Rex: Okay, yes! I can see that! T-Rex: Well REAL TALK: odds are you're not a piano prodigy. But buck up! You could be a prodigy in one of the TRILLIONS of things you've never tried. Plus you don't have to discover that in an old folks home: you could die without EVER finding your special talent!! Utahraptor: That only made it worse OH NO T-Rex: OKAY: maybe you'll die unprodigal because you actually WERE unexceptional at everything! This way, you're still dead, but now there's no missed opportunity! T-Rex (punchline): There! That's objectively less sad, and you should feel objectively less sad!

in related news, the holodeck remains the last invention humanity will ever make

T-Rex: There are lots of animals that can spit venom! T-Rex: I'm not one of them though. T-Rex: ...And maybe that should change?? T-Rex: But ohhhh noooo, wait that's impossible right now! We've got cosmetic surgery to adjust the sizes of noses, mammalian breasts, even foreheads, but have we put any research into augmenting our offensive capabilities? Nope! T-Rex: I GUESS WE FORGOT ALL ABOUT THAT ONCE WE STARTED WORKING ON MAKING OTHER PEOPLE'S BOOBS BIGGER??? Utahraptor: It does seem to be a curious oversight. T-Rex: It doesn't make any sense! T-Rex: We could live in a world where our dating profiles read "Hey baby, I produce my own venom and spit it out of my fingertips, which is possible because that's what we've turned the mighty weight of our civilization towards" but instead, NOBODY can say that. Utahraptor: This is the world we've left for our children. Narrator: LATER, A MOMENT OF PERFECT SELF-AWARENESS: T-Rex: Whoah!! T-Rex (punchline): "I guess we forgot all about that once we started working on making other people's boobs bigger" is actually the most true sentence I've ever said

the answer to the question is "massive", assuming Data says "Captain: I have identified" and not "Captain. I have identified", and that Picard's line in response holds to a similar colonic construction. the more you know!!

T-Rex: Hello and welcome to Star Trek TNG trivia! T-Rex: What's the fifth word of the seventh sentence said in the fourth episode of the sixth season? T-Rex: Enter in that word to continue Star Trek TNG trivia. Dromiceiomimus: ...I don't know that word, T-Rex. T-Rex: You have scored zero out of a possible 142 points! Thank you for playing Star Trek TNG trivia! Utahraptor: I'd like to restart! T-Rex: Hello and welcome to Star Trek TNG trivia! T-Rex: What's the fifth word of the seventh sentence said in the fourth episode of the sixth season? Utahraptor: "I'm Captain Picard, and I prefer Firefly as it rules all schools, and also I can never take this back." T-Rex: *GASP* T-Rex: OUR FRIENDSHIP IS DOWN TO ONE HP!! T-Rex needs food badly! You should take him out to dinner to apologize, your treat!! Off panel: Star Trek more like Star Dreck T-Rex: ZERO POINT FIVE HP NOW REMAIN! T-Rex (punchline): I'M NOT JOKING, DUDE

I like epic oxygen stories where two people fall in oxygen together, classic stories of an "oxygen triangle", or if I'm feeling horned up, a story where several consenting adults share oxygen with each other and it's actually really nice

T-Rex: Oh wow, a movie... with a love story in it?? OH WOW, a song that's about... a relationship!! T-Rex: WHAT'S NEXT, A NOVEL ABOUT A ROMANCE, A "ROMANCE NOVEL" IF YOU WILL?? T-Rex: I don't understand this world; y'all are acting like LOVE AND/OR SEX is the most important thing when I know for a fact none of you will last FIVE MINUTES without oxygen. Yay, an opera about finding love in an unexpected place, and how that love saved a dude's life. How fresh!! T-Rex: Where's the operas about finding oxygen in an unexpected place, and how that oxygen saved a dude's life?? Utahraptor: You'd have to be in space for that to work. T-Rex: Yes! Of course!! THAT'S A SUPER OBVIOUS UPSIDE! T-Rex: A TV show where 25 men compete for one woman's love, or a TV show where 25 men compete for one woman's oxygen IN SPACE?? Please. Pass me the remote, we're watching that show forever now. Utahraptor: Okay Utahraptor: It doesn't exist though Narrator: LATER, PITCHING A TV SHOW: Off panel: I like it, but can you give the show a "forbidden oxygen" element? T-Rex: Oh, sir, BELIEVE ME, I can. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...I think about stuff like that all the time

"When it comes to inspiring you, I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work". wow trying 10,000 times and failing while someone else could try just once and succeed, that's pretty much the perfect definition of failure actually

T-Rex: Okay, let me just check my mental list of inspirational quotes because I just glanced at a clock and I'm pretty sure it's Narrator: TIME TO GET INSPIRED T-Rex: Alright, what do we got on tap... ah yes, here's a great inspirational quote! "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take!" Dromiceiomimus: On the other hand, you never lose 100% of the games you don't play. T-Rex: UM EXCUSE ME DROMICEIOMIMUS BUT IT'S INSPIRE O'CLOCK, NOT THE JUSTIFIED APATHY HOUR?? T-Rex: Anyway. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step!" Utahraptor: All too true! Utahraptor: Long, difficult tasks can be easily avoided by simply not taking that initial and deceptively-simple step. T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR T-Rex: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU GUYS AND METAPHORS T-Rex: OKAY. "The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." Off panel: Neither is intrinsically good! This therefore is a definition rather than a value judgement. T-Rex (punchline): I QUIT; EVERYTHING IS HARD FOREVER

that last quote is from an apple "think different[ly]" commercial, so wow i hope you enjoy your apple products you RETROACTIVE HISTORICAL ENABLERS

T-Rex: "It doesn't matter what others think about you: it's what you think of yourself that counts!" T-Rex: That's right, babies! I'm back, and now it's Narrator: TIME TO GET INSPIRED Narrator: for real Dromiceiomimus: To a large extent, T-Rex, it actually DOES matter what other people think about you. If 6,999,999,999 people on the planet think you're a monster and you think you're great, who should we trust? The single outlier, or the LITERAL vast majority of sentient life on this planet?? Dromiceiomimus: Sorry dude! I guess I just see a problem with any inspirational quote that could apply perfectly well to oh I don't know ADOLF HITLER?? T-Rex: Whatever, Dromiceiomimus! "I'd rather have a life of oh wells than what ifs"! Utahraptor: Totally works for Hitler, dude!! T-Rex: "We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, it's to create something that will." Utahraptor: Hitler. T-Rex: "I CAN is more important than IQ." Utahraptor: Hitler! T-Rex: "The people crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do." Off panel: HITLER APPLICABILITY LEVELS APPROACHING 100%!! T-Rex: Alright, NEW RULE: adding "unless you're Hitler" to the end of every inspirational quote is now mandatory. T-Rex: It's - T-Rex (punchline): IT'S OUR ONLY HOPE??

oh my god only at artist bars do people diss each other with an improvised musical parody

T-Rex: Man, you know what's hard? Creating work that will last the ages, immortalizing you forever in art! You know what's easy though? T-Rex: KISSIN' ALL UP ON ARTISTS!! T-Rex: So rather than working my whole life to master just a single art, instead I'm gonna hang out at artist bars and be REAL FUN. You know, maybe pick up a few artists? Maybe become their muse? Maybe inspire them to new heights of artistic expression with my rockin' bod?? T-Rex: Then they'll immortalize ME and I get to do the easy job: SMOOCHIN' BABES!! Utahraptor: You want to be another Mona Lisa! T-Rex: YES! She has her own Wikipedia page, did you know that? T-Rex: All she did was sit in a chair 500 years ago and suddenly Wikipedia's all "AW HELL NAW, WE GOTS TO MAKE A PAGE ABOUT THIS!!" I can sit in a chair! I can smile enigmatically! Check it out! Utahraptor: Are you doing it now? T-Rex: I'M DOING IT NOW SO HARD!! Narrator: LATER, AT AN ARTIST BAR: Off panel: Laugh along with the common artists / Laugh along even though they're laughing at you / and the stupid things that you do / because you think that art is cool T-Rex: Okay T-Rex (punchline): I do though

i suddenly understand that scene in back to the future where marty mcfly takes the credit for "johnny b goode" and how deeply deeply satisfying it is to credit real-life works of art to your own awesome fictional characters

T-Rex: As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous, verminous meme. T-Rex: Everything he said was in all-caps Impact font. T-Rex: He could almost see his numerous image macros waving helplessly before his eyes! T-Rex: "NOT SURE IF REAL LIFE", he thought, then he imagined a picture of Fry from Futurama squinting a little, then he completed the thought with "OR A DREAM". It was no dream. His room, a regular bedroom, only rather too small, lay quiet between the four familiar walls. He struggled to get out of bed. "AM I THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE" he said, then pictured Walter from The Big Lebowski with a gun, "WHO CAN'T GET OUT OF BED??" Utahraptor: "TURNED INTO MEME", he said, thinking of Bad Luck Brian, "AND ISN'T SUCCESS KID". T-Rex: Precisely! T-Rex: His mother knocks to tell him he's late and he shouts "I DON'T ALWAYS MISS WORK / [Dos Equis guy] / BUT WHEN I DO, I HAVE A GOOD REASON" and it's close enough to how he normally talks that she doesn't suspect he's a meme now. Utahraptor: How tragic! How monstrous! I can't wait to read 200 more pages of this!! God: T-REX I LIKE THIS IDEA SO I WILL NOW SEND IT THROUGH TIME AND GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE T-Rex: The greatest compliment! God: WHILE ALSO MAKING IT NON-TERRIBLE T-Rex (punchline): ...yeah. Yeah, that's fair actually.

The story actually begins in 1770, with one Richard Trevithick, engineer, being visited by a stranger swaddled in rags to obscure his face and the precise dimensions of his body. Plans for a steam-powered "road locomotive" are thrust into Richard's hands. "But... but these are far beyond current technology," Richard whispers, stunned. A voice issues from the rags, manically, too screechy to be completely human, the syllables incomplete, malformed. Years later, all Richard will ever claim to have understood are two words, repeated over and over again. "Puffing devil, puffing devil, puffing devil."

T-Rex: I've heard of a cool new game! It's dull and repetitive and uninteresting, and each game can take HOURS to get through! T-Rex: I believe it's called... "DRIVING"?? T-Rex: "Driving" is a cool game to play because it requires you focus on it LITERALLY EVERY SECOND YOU'RE PLAYING, and even though a tiny mistake can kill you instantly, the game is so incredibly boring it can ACTUALLY LULL YOU INTO SLEEP. Dromiceiomimus: Do I have time to correct my mistakes? T-Rex: Oh sure! SOMETIMES?? Utahraptor: If I die in the game, do I die in real life? T-Rex: Hah! YOU WISH. That's just the start! T-Rex: If you're lucky, only you die in real life. But you can also kill your loved ones, complete strangers, rando dudes: the possibilities are endless! Utahraptor: I don't want to play your game. It sounds monstrous. T-Rex: TOO LATE WE ALREADY DESIGNED MODERN CITIES AROUND IT T-Rex: You know how in scifi stories they'll discover sinister time-travelling aliens have been manipulating Earth's events for centuries? Off panel: Yeah? T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...I wonder if we'll ever know who we cheesed off in 1886.

we're in this nadir between self-driving horses and self-driving cars; future generations will look back on us and say "well sure maybe their cars didn't drive themselves, but at least they could majestically leap over obstacles just like ours do!" and then they'll say "what's that?" and then they'll say "they didn't?" and then they'll say "haha WOW, no wonder nobody ever travels to the past."

T-Rex: In olden times people would go out at night! And they'd have a fun time with friends! And they'd stay up really late and get real sleepy! T-Rex: Historical dudes: they're just like us!! T-Rex: But instead of cars, they'd stumble onto their horses and fall asleep at the reins instead of the wheel, and then rather than crashing into a concrete wall and dying, they'd wake up safe and sound at their houses the next morning. Because the horse was alive and could make decisions and would be all "WTF, he fell asleep? I'm going home. WTF." Utahraptor: Well, they'd wake up in a barn then. T-Rex: Okay, true, but it's NEAR their house, right? T-Rex: Worst case: they wake up snuggled next to their horse by some idyllic forest stream, blinking as sunrise filters through the light morning fog and Grieg's Peer Gynt Suite #1, Op. 46-1 plays. Utahraptor: Is that the - T-Rex: The "morning song" like from cartoons, yeah! T-Rex: When I can wake up snuggled next to my car that loves me and eats carrots for treats, then finally we'll have recovered some of what we lost a hundred years ago. Also the cars should have cute names like "Abra CARdabra"! T-Rex (punchline): Okay that's all I want from the future, well bye

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was a warm night on the bearskin rug in front of the fireplace with two bottles of red wine.

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes knocked on T-Rex's door. "I deduce you are home, good buddy!" the world's greatest detective except Batman said. T-Rex: "Guilty as charged!" T-Rex laughed, opening the door! T-Rex: "I need your help with another one of my mysterious cases," Sherlock said. "Again?" T-Rex sighed, smiling and motioning for Sherlock to come in. "Well, I guess nothing clears up a case so much as stating it to another person!" T-Rex said. Sherlock sat down, pulling out a notebook labelled "ALL MY GREATEST LINES ARE STOLEN FROM T-REX". T-Rex: "Oooh, dude, I'm gonna steal that," Sherlock said. T-Rex: "Tell me about the case," T-Rex said! Utahraptor: "Okay I will!!" shouted Sherlock, stripping naked. T-Rex: What? No he didn't! Sherlock Holmes kept his clothes on. Utahraptor: No, he's naked now. He's asking for your help in "The Mystery of The Two Close Male Friends Who Got Naked With Each Other; The Mystery Was How It Was SO FRIGGIN' HOT". T-Rex: *gasp* Narrator: LATER, AT THE PUBLISHING HOUSE: Off panel: I'm sorry, this reads like historical fiction that decided half-way through it was going to be erotica. T-Rex: Yes! Yes. T-Rex (punchline): You say that like it's a bad thing??

i dub this pairing "poplock", and our goal is to make poplock the most fascinating pairing in history so that all the americans get jealous of us when their president says they can't read about it or stream it on netflix

T-Rex: "I'd like you to meet my friend," Sherlock Holmes announced. "He's another out-of-copyright character!" Then he dramatically pulled back the stage curtain to reveal... T-Rex: ...POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN?? T-Rex: "I yam what I yam!" Popeye said, eating a bunch of spinach (which was canned for some reason?) that made his muscles bigger (for another reason?). "And I yam still protected by copyright in the United States!" Popeye said. "As you know, the copyright regime which governs work-for-hire stipulates - " Dromiceiomimus: "The United States"? T-Rex: A fictional country! It's a little thing called "worldbuilding"? T-Rex: It's what actual authors do, WHICH IS WHY I'M DOING IT?? Utahraptor: Ah. T-Rex: So check out this rad backstory I invented: the "United States" has a super-long copyright period because a hundred years ago, my original character "Walter Disney" created his OWN character, one "Michael 'Mickey' Mouse", which - Utahraptor: TOO LONG; DON'T CARE; JUST WANT TO HEAR ABOUT POPEYE PUNCHING SHERLOCK T-Rex: Oh crap I almost forgot about that part!! After he stopped explaining about copyright, Popeye punched Sherlock Holmes! "Elementar-- eeeee!" yipped Sherlock as he was punched mid-word. Off panel: Yaaaaay T-Rex (punchline): I knowwww

Robin Hood stormed out of the room. "I'm not even being used in this story!" he shouted, slamming the door. "And I have a lot of cool supporting characters, for your information!" he shouted through the closed door, "like a tall guy that we all call 'little'!" The sound of more doors slamming could be heard. "YOUR LOSS!!"

T-Rex: Robin Hood, Count Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster were all in a room. "I vant to remind everyone that ve are all out of copyright!" said Dracula! He used the Dracula voice. You know the one? T-Rex: I tried to imitate it. T-Rex: "I agree." said Frankenstein's Monster. "Also, my name is too long!" T-Rex: "From now on, everyone call me 'Katelyn'." Dromiceiomimus: Frankenstein's Monster is a boy, dude. T-Rex: Oh, really? Someone's literally made out of random body parts, and they all just happen to be boy parts? And even if they're not, whatever genitals Dr. Frankenstein happened to grab on the way out are the most important part of thon's identity?? Utahraptor: So your Frankenstein monster is a woman. T-Rex: YEP T-Rex: Also, she's not a monster. She's alive, just like you or I! Utahraptor: Well, not JUST like you or I. She's reanimated dead tissue: MY origin involves my parents sexing, and then an egg came out of my mom, and THEN, I ate the inside of the egg, and then, I came out of the egg. Off panel: Then I feasted on the death of lesser lives to sustain my own, and decades later, here we are! T-Rex: Hey, you ever think about how being alive is kinda gross and weird? Off panel: Dude Off panel (punchline): ONLY ALL THE TIME

all i can say is dude this friendship had better be worth it

T-Rex: What is exorcism for? Banishing demons back to hell, right? T-Rex: RIGHT. T-Rex: But... what if you're already IN hell? T-Rex: HEAR ME OUT. I put to you that demons are clever, and would've LONG-AGO realized that they could possess and then exorcise EACH OTHER to productive ends. Hell is therefore full of demons saying "Can I possess you real quick so I can get someone to banish me to my mom's house? I'm already super late for dinner; DUDE I PROMISE I'll hit you back afterwards." Utahraptor: They use it as a free point-to-point transporter! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: "I banish you to Mike's mom's house at 34 Hell Road, Hellsville," they say. Utahraptor: Hell Road, huh? T-Rex: YES. All roads there are called "Hell Road". One thing's for sure: navigating there must be annoying as... Utahraptor: don't say it T-Rex: ... T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: ...annoying as mastering a quite difficult challenge. Off panel (punchline): YAY, WE'RE STILL FRIENDS

the sixth panel and the second panel are just zoomed versions of each other. IT'S TRUE. I'M SORRY. I COULDN'T BEAR CARRYING THIS TERRIBLE SECRET ANY LONGER

T-Rex: Dang, there's something that hasn't happened to me or anyone I know in way too long a time! T-Rex: Something called A LITTLE WHITE LIE SPIRALS OUT OF CONTROL?? Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Did you know I, T-REX, just got a degree in, Advanced... Applied... uh, Racecar Driving? Dromiceiomimus: Perfect: my cousin needs someone to fill in for him at the racetrack! That's his car. It's dinosaur-sized, but so far away that it COULD appear to be small if viewed from the correct angle with misleading depth cues. T-Rex: Okay cool Narrator: AND SO: Utahraptor: You don't know racecar driving! T-Rex: It's okay, I know how to do frauds!! Narrator: AND SO: Utahraptor: The race is about to start! Just admit you don't know racecar stuff! T-Rex: Naw, I've got this. I'm pretty sure nothing bad ever happens to me. Funny stuff, sure, but it's not like I could literally kill myself and everyone around m-- Narrator: AND SO GOD REWINDS TIME TO THE SECOND PANEL OF THIS COMIC AND PUTS WORDS IN T-REX'S MOUTH: T-Rex: Something called SITTING AT HOME QUIETLY T-Rex: What the-?! I didn't want to say that!! T-Rex (punchline): But... it DOES sound rad

RIPLEY ENTERS, CARRYING THE SKULL OF WHAT APPEARS TO BE A GIANT: "Hmm... to believe it, or not to believe it"

Narrator: T-REX'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT PRESENTS: Narrator: FACTS ABOUT SPRING T-Rex: Spring shares its name with a strange coil of metal... and I DON'T KNOW WHY! T-Rex: Despite happening once a year everywhere in the world, the verb "spring" does NOT mean "to melt snow and reveal someone's stale old dog poops". Instead, it means "jump or leap"... something an abstract concept like a season LITERALLY CANNOT DO! T-Rex: Spring is one of only TWO KNOWN SEASONS that starts with the letter "s"! Utahraptor: I can't believe it or not!! T-Rex: If you ever come across a hole in the ground that water comes out of, you can legally call that hole a "spring" and NO POLICE OFFICER IN ANY JURISDICTION THE WORLD OVER WILL BE ABLE TO STOP YOU! Utahraptor: Can I drink the "spring water"? T-Rex: Hey man it's your funeral T-Rex: Once spring is over, you may say "spring has sprung" or "spring has sprang", but you CANNOT say "spring really frigged me on this one". T-Rex (punchline): IT'S JUST TOO RUDE!!

i now pronounce you "three kids in a trenchcoat" and "giant ice cream cone in a wedding dress with a smiling face made out of sprinkles"

Off panel: And if there are no objections, then I now pronounce you husband and -- T-Rex: STOP THE WEDDING!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Yep, as that little adventure just showed, "STOP THE WEDDING!!" is but one of the several phrases you can get in trouble for yelling at weddings. Others include "THE BRIDE'S BEEN CLONED!!" and "THE GROOM IS REALLY JUST THREE KIDS IN A TRENCHCOA-- Dromiceiomimus: Wait. Wait. You yelled "stop the wedding" at some random wedding... just to prove it was a bad idea?? Utahraptor: Dude, that's kinda monstrous! T-Rex: No it's not! It's EDUCATION! T-Rex: And I myself learned the wedding actually doesn't get stopped! Instead, everyone turns to you and then you get kicked out by muscle dudes. What I should've shouted was "BRIEFLY DELAY THE WEDDING!!" and then said "Okay cool thanks" and ran away. In fact... Utahraptor: Don't do it!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Man I gotta get, like, a hobby??

see, this is what you get for reading MY comic! did xkcd award you any degrees today?? DIDN'T THINK SO. check and mate, randy

Narrator: HOW TO BE A MEDICAL DOCTOR Narrator: part six in our "you CAN TOO learn this from a webcomic" series T-Rex: Medical science is the science of making bodies less terrible! T-Rex: And people who practise medical science are called "medical doctors". If you want to be a doctor you'll need to learn everything that can go wrong with a body! T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: So much can go wrong with a body Utahraptor: You've got only a few seconds left to cover all of the medical sciences! T-Rex: I got this, I got this! T-Rex: Okay so first off, each body should have at least one circulatory system, respiratory system, reproductive system, lym-- Utahraptor: We're out of time! T-Rex: Frig it. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE ALL DOCTORS!! [a certificate in a gothic font] Certificate: This Comic Certifies [blank] is a real doctor Certificate (punchline): Let it hereby be known that all actual medical degrees have a dinosaur on them, and if your doctor's doesn't then my question is, um, what the hell is their deal

now that you're all doctors as of yesterday, THIS IS ALL ON YOU. haha you thought it was just a fun internet comic huh?? WRONG, THE COURSE OF YOUR LIFE IS FOREVER ALTERED

T-Rex: I know some opinions aren't "popular", but that doesn't scare me, and I'm gonna say what I REALLY think: T-Rex: I think all diseases should be cured! T-Rex: I really think we should get ON THAT already!! Utahraptor: Maybe you should try to cure them yourself? T-Rex: Man, I'm not good at that junk! T-Rex: But you know what I am good at? Motivation. In my house RIGHT NOW sits a $5 bill that I will mail to the FIRST PERSON who cures all diseases, no questions asked! Utahraptor: Well, maybe "whoah, frig dude, how did you cure all diseases?". T-Rex: Okay, one question asked. Narrator: LATER: Off panel: "Can the process be generalized to any new diseases?" T-Rex: 18 questions asked. Off panel: "What monster would hold off on curing all diseases until they were paid $5?" T-Rex (punchline): Hmm! That's pretty similar to question 7, actually

IMPORTANT NEWS UPDATE: FACEBOOK RUNNING ON YOUR FACE: NOW MANDATORY

Narrator: HOW TO USE FACEBOOK T-Rex: Facebook is a cool social network because your parents are on it! T-Rex: So here's how to get started on Facebook! T-Rex: First, make an account. If you don't use your real name then Facebook will kick you off the site. If you DO use your real name then Facebook will store all information you give it, even if you delete your account. Dromiceiomimus: It's like sharing your most personal secrets with a friend who's always trying to figure out ways to make money off you! T-Rex: Next, tell it who your friends are. Utahraptor: Facebook will start suggesting friends too! Utahraptor: "Maybe you wanna make friends with your racist aunt?" it'll say. "No? How about someone you kinda remember from high school who got pregnant? Yes? PERFECT. Have some photos of the child of this barely recalled stranger." T-Rex: Yaaaay Narrator: CONGRATULATIONS Narrator (punchline): YOU ARE NOW A FACEBOOK WIZARD

did you know twitter has a whole document detailing the rules and circumstances under which they'll permit you to use their logo? did you know i have broken every one of their rules, which, IN ITSELF, is breaking another one of their rules??

Narrator: HOW TO USE TWITTER T-Rex: Twitter is a cool social network because complete strangers can message you at any time, and there's no way to turn that off!! T-Rex: So here's how to get started on Twitter! T-Rex: First, you'll need to choose a name. All names on Twitter start with an "@", so a good name might be @cooldude, except that's taken, as is @coolguy, @guywhoiscool, @cooltwitterguy, and @heyilike2becool. T-Rex: Instead, fall back to your second choices, such as @abirdpoopedonme, @pooponmyhead, or @ohitouchedapoop. T-Rex: Now compress your greatest and most sublime ideas down to 140 characters! Utahraptor: It's easy! Utahraptor: Instead of "But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun," try ".@juliet is hottttt!! seriously guys wtf". T-Rex: This leaves you more room for "hashtags", like #babes, #hotbabes, and #sunmetaphors. Twitter ad: EACH OF US HAS ONLY A FINITE NUMBER OF DAYS IN OUR TOO BREIF LIVES; NONE KNOW HOW MANY OR HOW FEW THEY HAVE LEFT BEFORE DEATH, AS IT MUST, COMES TO US ALL Twitter ad: BE SURE TO SPEND YOURS... ON twitter.com Twitter Logo (punchline): friggin do it, you guys™

"i can't wait to log on to this website so i can tell it what job i have" - actual humans, apparently

Narrator: HOW TO USE LINKEDIN T-Rex: LinkedIn is a social network for if you think your job is the most important thing about you! It's full of nerds bragging about what jobs they had!! T-Rex: So here's how you get started on LinkedIn! T-Rex: Now, I've never used it because I'm not a turbonerd, but I'm pretty sure I know how it works. First, make an account. Then, upload YOUR ENTIRE ADDRESS BOOK: every email address you've ever seen. This is a responsible thing to give a random website. T-Rex: LinkedIn will now contact them! Utahraptor: Someone would like to add me to their professional network on LinkedIn! T-Rex: Holy crap dude!! Utahraptor: I know! HOW AMAZING IS THIS?? I definitely need to make a LinkedIn account right away to take advantage of this amazing opportunity! And yet... WHAT IF I FORGET TO?? T-Rex: Don't worry! LinkedIn will keep emailing you over and over again for the rest of your natural life! Narrator: CONGRATULATIONS Narrator (punchline): YOU ARE AWFUL

that picture in the last panel comes from t-rex's post tagged #handsome men #forgot my clothes haha oops #seriously how can i make it so my parents can't see this tho

Narrator: HOW TO USE TUMBLR T-Rex: Tumblr is a cool social network because it lets people "reblog" your "posts" while also allowing them to "edit them so they can make you say whatever they want"! T-Rex: So here's how you get started on Tumblr! T-Rex: First, create an account. Tumblr will ask you to name your "blog". Cool blogs have names like "Pics O' Dogs", "OMG... Dog Pix?!" or "LOL, Just Dog Pics I Guess". Dumb blogs have names like "Breaking World News Conveyed Entirely Through Reaction Gifs". T-Rex: Wait actually that's a cool blog too, nevermind, SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE THAT Utahraptor: What else can you do on Tumblr? T-Rex: So much! T-Rex: You can create photosets of your favourite tv show or movie, share text posts about your favourite tv show or movie, quote your - Utahraptor: Sure, great, but does Tumblr have images of attractive male celebrities in attractive male situations? T-Rex: Uh Tumblr ad: tumblr. Tumblr ad (punchline): yep, we’ve got pics of that.™

Wait, I never said how to use Google! To use Google, go to Google to google what you wanna google. It's real good at that!!

Narrator: HOW TO USE GOOGLE T-Rex: Google is like a friend who remembers that one time T-Rex: - THAT ONE TIME, IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE - T-Rex: when you asked him if he ever touched his own poops, JUST LIKE, AS A JOKE, and now he KEEPS BRINGING IT UP. And now whenever you go for a drive he makes sure to drive you past every poop billboard and nudge you in the ribs. And every single time you say "Have you ever -" he jumps up and interrupts you and shouts "TOUCHED YOUR OWN POOPS??". Utahraptor: Also: he took photos of your house and built a supercomputer just to read your emails. T-Rex: Hah! CLASSIC GOOGLE. T-Rex: And if you try to use a nickname on YouTube he pulls you aside and says "Hey. HEY. Don't you want to use your real name instead?" and when you say "No, that's crazy, never ask me that again, why would anyone want that" he says "Okay, I'll ask you again real soon." Utahraptor: That's our Google! Google ad: Google Google ad (punchline): Bing us on your Zune.™

you know what? YES. yes i would like to subscribe to your newsletter. and you say you send it out each day at around 6pm? perfect! PERFECT.

T-Rex: Hey, remember when email used to be fun and getting a new email was a joy? God: HAH HAH HAH God: NOPE Narrator: HOW TO STOP GETTING SO MANY EMAILS T-Rex: Step 1: Delete your email address. T-Rex: Step 2: Do not make a new email address. T-Rex: Step 3: Congratulations! None can touch you now, for our final cage has crumbled. You have shattered our bondage and are - at last - truly free. T-Rex: If someone wants to contact me they can get in line! LITERALLY. Outside my house. Utahraptor: Ah. I see. Utahraptor: So you're reverting to 18th century communication media. T-Rex: YES. You want my attention, send me a message by carrier pigeon. A bird struts up with a note on its leg, dude, I am gonna PAY some FRIGGIN' ATTENTION. Narrator: LATER, T-REX'S HOUSE IS SWARMED BY PIGEONS CARRYING SPAM MAIL: T-Rex: Hah hah hah! FOOLS!! T-Rex (punchline): DINNER IS ON ME, AND WE'RE HAVIN' BIRD

in retrospect, this is less a fable and more a premise for a dark generational revenge film??

T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a grasshopper who spent all summer singing and an ant who spent the summer storing food for winter! Then winter arrived and the grasshopper found herself starving. Narrator: THE FABLE OF THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER T-Rex: That's uh - that's actually the whole thing. Grasshopper starves and begs Ant for food, but he, through a mouthful of food, tells Grasshopper to dance her hunger away instead. Grasshopper starves to death, THE END, I HOPE YOU ENJOYED STORYTIME?? Dromiceiomimus: Grasshopper doesn't starve necessarily! It's possible Ant gave her some food as payment because he found her dancing amusing. LIKE IN CAPITALISM?? Utahraptor: Yeah, maybe G-Hops represents a career in the arts! T-Rex: And Ant a career in financial services? Utahraptor: YES. It shows us how those who are way loaded have a moral duty to support artists, because otherwise they'll die due to their life choices. T-Rex: But Grasshopper's a singer! Ant likes dancing, but she might not even know how to do that!! Utahraptor: Well if she likes food she'd better learn fast! Narrator: THE END Narrator (punchline): P.S.: FABLES ARE TERRIBLE

afterwards the wolf ate a grandmother and put her clothes on top of his sheep's clothes, and then tried to eat a little girl in a red hood. OH NO, IF ONLY WE'D LISTENED TO THAT LYING LITTLE BOY WHO TROLLED US FOR WEEKS

T-Rex: Once upon a time a boy cried "wolf" a lot, even when there weren't wolves around! His friends were all, "Frig man, if you play with fire you're gonna get burned!" T-Rex: (THIS IS A REFERENCE TO ANOTHER, UNRELATED FABLE.) T-Rex: Anyway this kid had sheep and watched them all day, so he cried "wolf!" to keep himself entertained. But one day a wolf DID come and it ate all his sheep! He cried "wolf!" but nobody came to help since, HISTORICAL MORAL TIME, "men bileve not lyghtly hym whiche is knowen for a lyer". Dromiceiomimus: Women either! T-Rex: Right! "Nyther men nor rockyn babes". Utahraptor: This one wolf ate all his sheep? ALL of them. Every single one. Every sheepen got eaten. T-Rex: All gone! Utahraptor: What, did this boy have tiny bite-sized sheep? Was he running a sheep farm for ants?! T-Rex: Yeah, he was. It's where the ant from the last fable got his food. Utahraptor: Oh. Okay. Utahraptor: Well nevermind then T-Rex: The next day the wolf put on sheep's clothing and used it to eat everyone else's sheep too! This vindicated the boy, but it was too late: he'd already died of plague. T-Rex: Olden times, man! T-Rex (punchline): NEVER LIVE THERE.

and yea, you shall know the fathers by the quality of their jokes

Narrator: ALL OF WESTERN PHILOSOPHY SUMMARIZED IN TWO SENTENCES THEATRE God: I THINK THEREFORE I AM T-Rex: I know you are but what am I? Narrator: THIS CONCLUDES ALL OF WESTERN PHILOSOPHY SUMMARIZED IN TWO SENTENCES THEATRE Narrator: THE END Narrator: JOKETIME THEATRE Utahraptor: Hey, where do they get spring water from? T-Rex: Uh, a watery hole? T-Rex: Probably they found this weird hole with water at the bottom, and now they're wrestling with the ethical issues of exploiting a shared common resource for personal profit. Utahraptor: Nope! Spring water comes from winter ice! T-Rex: [thinks] T-Rex, that's a dad joke! Only dads say jokes like that! He's opening up to you. You gotta play this right, homeslice! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...UM, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BIRTH OF YOUR FIRST CHILD??

"gentlemen, I propose we steal nothing less than TIME ITSELF." "and you're sure this'll eventually result in a comic on this wonderful 'internet' you speak of, centuries later?" "absolutely." "well.... *takes off glasses, cleans them, finally looks up* what are we waiting for??"

T-Rex: History is pretty boring, right? Sure. A bunch of stuff that happened to dead people who didn't even know what a computer was. Woo hoo. T-Rex: But what if I told you - T-Rex: ...THREE CENTURIES OF HISTORY IS LIES?? T-Rex: You wanna know more about history now, huh? Yeah you do. "I sure hope the lie centuries aren't any of the good ones," you're saying. I get it! T-Rex: SO HERE'S THE IDEA: in the year 614 someone - or someONES - alter the calendar ahead by 297 years, skipping right to the year 911. And records of this jump are lost, because it's the middle ages! And that explains why not many things happened in this SUPER BORING time period! Utahraptor: What about Charlemagne? What about stuff that took place in, I don't know, the year 800? T-Rex: DIRTY LIES. T-Rex: An attempt to alter our perception of world history? An oversight by later historians who never realized these years were fake? WE SIMPLY CAN'T SAY. Time herself has been changed for reasons unknown - perhaps, UNKNOWABLE. T-Rex: This theory is called "phantom time" and I encourage you to research it! Narrator: SHORTLY: Off panel: Turns out there's no discrepancy between astronomical observations from before and after your "skip", so phantom time didn't happen. T-Rex (punchline): WOW, dude, I super need to start reading more than the first two sentences of Wikipedia articles

later: the broken clock isn't even right once every fifteen years, HAHA WHOOPS

Narrator: AN OVERVIEW OF EUROPEAN TAX REFORMS FROM THE EARLY TO MID-EARLY 1850s T-Rex: oh god i'm dying of boredom already oh god OH GOD Narrator: HOW TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH YOUR TWO HOTTEST FRIENDS T-Rex: AWWW YESS T-Rex: Alright! HERE'S HOW TO SEX UP YOUR HOTTEST FRIENDS! What time is it?? THREESOME O'CL- Dromiceiomimus: Sex can be a destabilizing aspect of any relationship. Introducing it to one in a situation like this, where jealousy between partners can SO easily be inflamed, can be dangerous. Be sure you're ready to maturely deal with any conse- T-Rex: IT'S THREESOME O'CLOCK Utahraptor: T-Rex, my friend, are you... READY FOR THREESOMES? T-Rex: I THINK SO, DUDE!! WHAT TIME IS IT?? Utahraptor: That's not important now. What IS important is that you've had a frank discussion about health and safety with your partners, and made sure everyone knows what everyone else's limits are. What do they hope to take away from this experience? How do they - T-Rex: DUDE IT'S THREESOME O'CLOCK T-Rex (punchline): You know what they say: even a broken clock stuck at threesome o'clock is right twice a day!!

no, this isn't that kind of recall - unless you are hindu, in which case: eventually possibly??

Narrator: IMPORTANT INFORMATION REGARDING THE RECALL AFFECTING YOUR BODY T-Rex: Hello! You are reading this message because you have been a patron of our "Physical Body Made of Meat" product in the past several million years. T-Rex: We regret to inform you that an issue has been discovered with your body! T-Rex: Besides the known issues of Bug 24442 ("aging"), Bug 59804 ("body gets smelly if I use it"), and Bug 2 ("poop comes out the butt?!"), a new vulnerability has been discovered with the "heart" hardware installed in your body. Known as "commotio cordis", it's a 30 millisecond long window during each heartbeat wherein an impact to your chest could, um... stop your heart and kill you instantly. T-Rex: WHOOPS Utahraptor: Is every single heartbeat vulnerable for instadeath? T-Rex: Yes. Utahraptor: I see. Can I return my body for a new one? T-Rex: No, this isn't that kind of recall. This is more the, "you should RECALL this crazy vulnerability whenever something comes close to your chest" sort of thing. Okay bye! T-Rex: Enjoy your bod! Narrator: OH! ONE MORE THING ABOUT BODIES: T-Rex: Um, sorry we didn't build them better?? Narrator (punchline): THE END

I rewrote this comic because it originally said "talking to party strangers on the regular" and I gotta admit, the phrase "party strangers" is SUPER-DUPER enticing

T-Rex: Ever find yourself forced to mingle at a party full of complete strangers? Hah hah hah! T-Rex: You screwed up, buddy!! Narrator: THE END T-Rex: Hey, you're still here? Dromiceiomimus: I thought we might give some advice to help these people. T-Rex: Oh sure! MY ADVICE: turn around, leave, NEVER COME BACK. Go do fun stuff with the friends you've already got!! Oh man, that sounds great! Utahraptor: So - what, stick with the friends you already have forever? T-Rex: Yes! YES. T-Rex: Eventually they'll start dying of old age, but you know what? As long as you're not the VERY LAST ONE in your group of friends to die, you'll always have at least one rad friend! Hmmm life-long friendship or talking to strangers at a party on the regular?? T-Rex: Hmmmm T-Rex: Real hard choice here I gotta say Narrator: UPSIDE TO DEATH #332: YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO STRANGERS ANYMORE Parchment scroll (punchline): "Something to look forward to"

dude you need to make your email easier to find. i am not a creeper I PROMISE

T-Rex: Hi! I've decided maybe I should make some new friends after all. But I have a question! T-Rex: How do you even make friends as an adult?? T-Rex: It's like, there's this guy I've seen around and he's funny and great and we like the same stuff and I just know we could be great friends. But how do I engage this guy? Do I just walk up to this nearly complete stranger and say "Hey, you don't know me but I've been thinking about you a lot and I really think we should, you know... BE TOGETHER?" T-Rex: "UM, AS PALS??" Utahraptor: Don't dating sites have "just friends" options? T-Rex: Man I don't want rando friends! I want HIM. Utahraptor: Well my usual advice would be "just be yourself and don't make things weird", but since this is you... what if we bet whichever one of us makes friends with this guy LAST has to pay the winner $500?? T-Rex: Oh my god YOU'RE ON, BUDDY!! [email message] Email: [playful 3D font] HEY WHAT'S UP I THINK WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS Email: [two arrows are pointing at the picture of T-Rex] Would you like to go on bike rides and get ice cream with this guy?? ps my name's T-REX and I AM REAL COOL Email: [playful 3D font] [ ] YES [ ] NO Email (punchline): OKAY EMAIL ME BACK PLEASE!!!!!!

bears in the woods don't worry about who friends them on facebook AND they can poop wherever they want. bears in the woods have the right friggin' idea

Narrator: OPERATION: MAKE FRIENDS WITH THAT GUY: DAY FOUR T-Rex: No response to my email proposing paltimes has been received. I am therefore, and reluctantly, forced to employ escalation tactics. As of 0800 hours... T-Rex: ...I have sent a FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST. Dromiceiomimus: Out of the blue? Wow. Gutsy move, man. T-Rex: Bold? Yes. Daring? Absolutely. Brave, even intrepid? No doubt. For these are all qualities I possess - and qualities I'd be willing to share... WITH A FRIEND. T-Rex: (That's what I wrote in my friend request, incidentally) Narrator: OPERATION: MAKE FRIENDS WITH THAT GUY: DAY FIFTEEN T-Rex: This may be my last entry. Utahraptor: Oh no! T-Rex: Morale low; supplies dwindling. Reconnaissance indicates he's accepted other friend requests sent AFTER mine. Only move left seems to be cancelling friend request and resending it. A desperate move. Desperate times. Utahraptor: Dude, you wanna, like... get dinner or something? Narrator: OPERATION: MAKE FRIENDS WITH THAT GUY: DAY THIRTY T-Rex: WHAT THE HELL, now his Facebook shows him looking for jobs in ANOTHER COUNTRY?! This, my friends - THIS - T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): - this is why people decide to go live in the woods forever

wait, there's a maze at the exit?? THERE'S A MAZE?? THAT'S AMAZING, I'D HEARD THE FRIEND ZONE WAS HARD TO GET OUT OF BUT I NEVER DREAMED IT'D BE FOR SUCH AN AWESOME REASON

Off panel: Bro I tried to get with this woman but she totally put me in the friend zone!! T-Rex: OH MAN!! T-Rex: THE FRIEND ZONE SOUNDS LIKE A PLACE WITH LOTS OF HOT DOGS AND TRAMPOLINES T-Rex: LET'S GO T-Rex: I've got it, Dromiceiomimus! I get the guy I want to hang out with to take me to the FRIEND ZONE, and we're SET. Dromiceiomimus: So you want to hit on him, get shot down, and then characterize things in such a way that the blame's on HIM for not wanting to date you?? T-Rex: Huh? No. No, I want to, like... T-Rex: ...ride waterslides and drink pop with him?? T-Rex: Seriously, where is the Friend Zone? I'd like to go there RIGHT NOW please. Utahraptor: You've never been? T-Rex: Okay, obviously everyone ELSE has been having fun for years, doing activities with all the new pals they've been making thanks to the Friend Zone. Great! I JUST WANT TO JOIN THE PARTY. I know I must sound like every guy ever when I say this, but seriously: T-Rex: WHY IS THE FRIEND ZONE SO HARD TO GET INTO?? T-Rex: I'm a nice guy!! I'm always there for people I like when they need me! T-Rex (punchline): I DESERVE THIS

"hey let's evolve on a planet where for several months at a time you can freeze to death if you go outside, that'll never come back to bite us!!" - ALL KNOWN LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

T-Rex: "Spring is Nice!" - a poem by me, T-Rex. T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: Spring is nice! T-Rex: In comparison to winter T-Rex: The snow melts and the ground is spongy and wet and carries this terrible smell of rotting leaves and pickled dog poo Dromiceiomimus: Which is nice Dromiceiomimus: In comparison to winter T-Rex: Rivers expand, basements flood Utahraptor: Which is nice Utahraptor: In comparison to winter T-Rex: Trees spew pollen which irritates my eyes and interferes with my ability to breathe T-Rex and Utahraptor: Which is nice T-Rex and Utahraptor: In comparison to winter T-Rex: The end. T-Rex: PS: ATTENTION FUTURE SCHOLARS: THIS POEM IS NOT A METAPHOR, I LITERALLY HATE WINTER FOREVER NOW T-Rex (punchline): OKAY BYE

if you want to be a pick up artist then you've got to have game! SO HERE ARE THE RULES OF THE GAME: thinking about the game means you've lost the game, and must be announced each time it occurs. son, you've just lost your game.

T-Rex: I've flipped through a book and skimmed a website, so I'm basically an expert now! And now I'm here to tell you Narrator: HOW TO BE A PICK UP ARTIST T-Rex: First off, Dromiceiomimus, notice how I'm approaching you within three seconds of making eye contact. So sexy, right? Now I'm playfully insulting you, STUPID, which shows I'm not intimidated and makes you want to impress me, perhaps through... SEXUAL INTIMACY?? T-Rex: I've shown that you're dealing with an Alpha here, baby, and not some weak Beta! Utahraptor: Isn't beta software MORE advanced, stable, and feature-rich than alpha software? T-Rex: SILENCE Utahraptor: Dude, I'm serious. Alphas are like... broken. Nobody wants alphas. Or betas, really. They want normal software that's mature and stable and got past any "alpha" or "beta" crap years ago. T-Rex: LISTEN, I DON'T THINK THE METAPHOR IS SUPPOSED TO INVOLVE COMPUTERS. I THINK IT INVOLVES, LIKE, DOGS? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: YES T-Rex (punchline): YES, I'M PRETTY SURE MY METAPHOR INVOLVES DISCREDITED RESEARCH ABOUT DOGS

specifically, my shoe bill

Off panel: T-Rex, you should watch this movie! It's so bad it's good! T-Rex: Wow! T-Rex: I didn't know adjectives suffered from overflow errors!! T-Rex: We live in a world where it's possible for a thing to be SO MUCH that thing that it can flip over and become the opposite thing. Has anyone explored this property?? Perhaps as a power source? T-Rex: Could I find an item or items that are SO INCREDIBLY UNSEXY that they're... EROTIC?? Utahraptor: I mean, a lot of people are turned on by boring things! Like FEET. T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: They're literally just feet, right? But some people are BIG INTO FEET. T-Rex: That's true! I myself HAVE sexed up people with feet, but their feet were incidental! Like, if they took their feet off before sex I wouldn't be disappointed at all. This'd be me: T-Rex: Oh wow! Bodies can DO that?? T-Rex: THIS T-Rex: CHANGES T-Rex (punchline): EVERYTHING

it's 332393. 332393 plays "go go power rangers" on a touchtone phone. i discovered this when i was a kid through sheer brute force and committed it indelibly to my memory. oh also "o canada" is 39912369#2. found that one out myself too. if i meet you at a party and you tell me your name, odds are i will have forgotten it less than sixty seconds later.

Mysterious Commercial Voice: EVER FORGOTTEN SOMEONE'S NAME? T-Rex: Yes! Mysterious Commercial Voice: EVER WISHED YOU'D REMEMBER WHERE YOU LEFT YOUR KEYS? T-Rex: Absolutely! Mysterious Commercial Voice: NOT ANYMORE! T-Rex: Oh phew what a relief Mysterious Commercial Voice: WITH ONE MINOR SURGERY A MICROCHIP WILL BE INSTALLED IN YOUR BRAIN, AND FORGETTING WILL BECOME A DELIBERATE ACT. T-Rex: So if I want to remember something I still have to make room by deleting some old memory, but at least I'll be able to choose which one? Mysterious Commercial Voice: PRECISELY T-Rex: Mysterious commercial voice selling me something: I AM ALL FOR THIS. Utahraptor: T-Rex, remember remember the 5th of November! T-Rex: Can do, friend! T-Rex: Hmm, a bit tight on space here. Yo, should I delete /MEMORIES2000/old memories/HiGhScHoOL/stuff/stuff222/whatever.dat, or /MEMORIES/unsorted/how_to_play_power_rangers_theme_on_a_touchtone_phone.txt?? Utahraptor: Ooh. Save that last one for sure. T-Rex: DONE. Narrator: LATER, T-REX REALIZES HE CAN'T REMEMBER THE SOUND OF HER VOICE: T-Rex (punchline): Maaaaaan

ANSWER KEY: Come Take a Trip in My Air-Ship (#1 Jan 1905, 9 weeks), It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary (#1 Jan 1915, 13 weeks), Makin' Whoopee (ASCAP Song of 1929), Toot Toot Tootsie Goodbye (#1 Dec 1922, 10 weeks), Smoke Gets in Your Eyes (#1 Dec 1933, 15 weeks), That Old Black Magic (#1 Mar 1943, 14 weeks), A Little Bird Told Me (#1 Nov 1948, 21 weeks), Goodnight Irene (#1 Jul 1950, 25 weeks), These Boots Are Made For Walking (#1 Jan 1966, 14 weeks), Kung Fu Fighting (#1 Oct 1974, 18 weeks), Stayin' Alive (#1 Dec 1977, 26 weeks), Killing Me Softly With His Song (#1 Jan 1973, 16 weeks), Tainted Love (oh crap whoops this song only hit #8 in the US but DID spend a record-breaking 43 weeks on the Hot 100 so I'M GIVING IT A PASS, also thanks for reading this far), I Want to Know What Love Is (#1 Dec 1985, 20 weeks), Un-Break My Heart (#1 Oct 1996, 42 weeks), My Heart Will Go On (#1 Feb 1998, 20 weeks), I'm Too Sexy (#1 Dec 1991, 20 weeks).

Narrator: TWENTIETH CENTURY AMERICAN HISTORY as reconstructed by the titles of its #1 songs T-Rex: 1900s: consumer-level airship travel is finally made affordable. T-Rex: 1910s: the distance to Tipperary is approximated for the very first time! T-Rex: 1920s: Whoopee is synthesized in a lab for the first time ever! But sadly, it's too late for the last Toot Toot Tootsie, which goes extinct. 1930s: a downside to staring at smoke is discovered. Dromiceiomimus: 1940s: America's seniors begin dabbling in the occult, creating unnatural birdlike creatures that speak in the voice of a corpse. 1950s: one "Irene" got real sleepy, fascinating the nation. T-Rex: 1960s: the intended purpose of boots is, at last, discovered by Americans. Utahraptor: FINALLY T-Rex: 1970s: martial arts become popular, which allows the majority of Americans to survive the decade. Songs are weaponized. Utahraptor: 1980s: contaminated emotions are discovered in America. Scientists quickly respond, and seek funding to examine the precise nature of endearment. T-Rex: 1990s: effective cardiac tissue regeneration is now possible, allowing the organ to survive even host death. Also, an upper limit to sexiness is found. THE END. T-Rex (punchline): American history: NOT SO BORING NOW, AM I RIGHT??

i hope you learned a lot about sex or at the very least learned a lot about which places are bad places to learn a lot about sex

T-Rex: Interested in sex, but like, from an academic perspective? Like, you don't want to HAVE it, you just want to LEARN about it. T-Rex: Hah hah hah! Yeah right, bucko!! T-Rex: But sure. I'LL PLAY ALONG. Narrator: SEX ED in comic form Narrator: AS NATURE INTENDED T-Rex: Okay, so check it: sex is what happens when two people - Dromiceiomimus: - well, you know... not necessarily, T-Rex. T-Rex: Oh. OH. Okay, yeah, sex happens when two OR MORE people... wait. I forgot I found out you don't even need another person to have sex!! T-Rex: I CRACKED THE CODE, you know? T-Rex: Okay. Sex happens when one or more people do, um... sex? Utahraptor: Defining sex is hard, huh? T-Rex: It is! It's obviously not ALL peener-in-cloaca "let's hatch an egg" stuff. You can have sex even if you don't have peeners or cloacas, AND HOW, but with all the stuff folks DO when they have sex, it's kinda hard to define! Utahraptor: "Something you do that you find sexy"? T-Rex: DONE. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hey ladies, who has no thumbs and can't even come up with a working definition of sex? THIS GUY. T-Rex: ...Wait, that sounded like I'm bad at it! ATTENTION LADIES!! T-Rex (punchline): Um, I feel like I could probably figure my way around WHATEVER you got goin' on

there's a dude three galaxies over and it's just, i KNOW he can make that jump

T-Rex: Hey God! Here's something your precious "science" can't prove! God: WHAT God: WHAT God: SINCE WHEN IS IT MY SCIENCE T-Rex: Prove to me that the world wasn't created 1 millisecond ago! God: WELL I MEAN THE FACT YOU'RE NOT 1 MILLISECOND OLD IS WHERE I'D START WITH THAT ONE T-Rex: Doesn't work! You could've JUST NOW set up the universe and given everyone fake memories! And like, MOMENTUM. God: THAT SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF WORK JUST SO I CAN HAVE THIS CONVERSATION God: THIS FRANKLY TWO OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE STARS CONVERSATION Utahraptor: I'd be more concerned with the chance our universe is OLDER than we think, not younger! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: You know how in games sometimes you'll save right before your guy dies, so you'll keep restoring over and over, hoping that this time you'll be able to save your dude? T-Rex: Holy crap. We could be reliving the same few moments over and over and have NO IDEA. Utahraptor: Even death would offer no escape. God: HAHA WOW God: OH MAN IT'S LIKE God (punchline): IMAGINE CARING THAT MUCH ABOUT ONE SINGLE DUDE

what's the matter, scientists? CHICKEN??

T-Rex: People in history times sure were wrong about a lot of things! They didn't even know what a germ is. Hah hah hah! T-Rex: LOSERS T-Rex: Luckily, WE modern people have a little thing called "SCIENCE" and so we know about stuff like washing our hands before sticking 'em in places and how a fire works. Maybe you history people should've invented some science, huh? Maybe that would've helped you not die ALL THE TIME, huh?? T-Rex: ... T-Rex: Don't worry Dromiceiomimus: they can't hear me. Utahraptor: Science is progressing all the time, right? New theories replacing old? T-Rex: ABSOLUTELY. Utahraptor: But NOW's the age when we get it all right? Ridic. There's gotta be junk WE think is accurate but future peeps will mock us for! Put another way: OUR science says hoverboards are impossible. Would you rather be wrong with a hoverboard or right without one? T-Rex: OH MY GOD T-Rex: I TAKE IT ALL BACK Ad: [red Back To The Future font] ? HOVER BOARDS Ad: The Reason Science Can't Stop Yet™ T-Rex (punchline): Friggin' do it already!!

it's probably pretty good though

T-Rex: Let's imagine I'm Batman! I go out and fight crime every night. Then I go to bed and sleep all day! T-Rex: But then people start wondering why Bruce Wayne seems to spend 24 hours a day in bed! T-Rex: So I cut back on the crime fighting a little to maintain my Bruce persona. But every time I'm in those WayneCorp meetings it's because I traded away hours of crimefighting! I need to sleep sometimes, and people may DIE tonight because I spent some of my waking hours in a board meeting. How can I ethically DO that? How am I not a monster for doing that instead of saving lives every waking hour I can?? Utahraptor: Well, how ARE you not a monster? T-Rex: I'm not Batman, dude! Utahraptor: You could be: Batman's just training and determination. But you're imagining life as him rather than training to be him! And I'M criticizing you instead of training too. We're ALL falling short of being Batman, every second, every day, and that costs lives. We're monsters. We all are. We're history's most average monsters. Narrator: LET'S HEAR IT FOR EVERYONE Narrator: IN ONE TIMELINE: BECAME BATMAN Narrator (punchline): IN MOST TIMELINES: INVENTED PUTTING CHIP DIP ON TOAST WHEN THE BUTTER RAN OUT

truth, justice, and whatever the recording of my dead kryptonite dad says is the kryptonian way

T-Rex: Let's imagine I'm Superman! I go out and fight crime and rescue people from peril. Then I go back to the Daily Planet and work as a reporter! T-Rex: But then people start wondering why Clark Kent barely shows up to work anymore! T-Rex: So I cut back on the people saving a little to maintain my Clark persona. But every time I'm out reporting somewhere it's because I traded away hours of superheroing! Someone's dying SOMEWHERE while I'm sitting there interviewing Lex - and since I'm Superman, I can sense their cries for help! AND I IGNORE THEM. How can I ethically DO that? How am I not a monster for pretending to be a reporter instead of saving lives every waking hour I can?? Utahraptor: Well, how ARE you not a monster? T-Rex: I'm not Superman, dude! Utahraptor: Oh, of course. You don't have the means to do what he does. T-Rex: Exactly! I'm a regular guy; HE'S an interplanetary alien who thinks chatting up Lois is more important than a kid drowning in Chile. HEY KID LISTEN I KNOW YOU ARE DYING BUT LOIS LOOKS REAL HOT RIGHT NOW OKAY?? T-Rex: P.S. I AM NOT FROM YOUR WORLD AND HAVE AN ALIEN CULTURE T-Rex (punchline): P.P.S. SORRY NOT SORRY

if you already knew this fact then TOO BAD AND GET BACK TO WORK, PROFESSOR FACTSALOT

T-Rex: The Malvaceae family contains several examples of the Useful or Tasty Plants, including cotton, cocoa, and okra. Nicely done, Malvaceae! T-Rex: I'm glad someone in history times decided to try to eat and/or wear you! T-Rex: One particular member of this family grows in wetlands, and ancient Egyptians would eat it as a tasty treat. Time went on and an extract from this plant was used as a flavourant, which was eventually mixed with sugars to make a sweet flavour slurry. Dromiceiomimus: It's probably better than it sounds? T-Rex: I know and it already sounds great!! T-Rex: In more recent times, the French whipped it into a meringue for a lighter treat! Utahraptor: Hah! CLASSIC 19th century France! T-Rex: The root extract was eventually replaced with cheaper alternatives, stabilizers and preservatives were added, and that's how we ended up with the modern candy which still bears the name of the wetland plant it originated from thousands of years ago: the marsh mallow. Utahraptor: OH SNAP T-Rex: THAT'S RIGHT, Y'ALL JUST LEARNED SOMETHING T-Rex (punchline): EVERYONE TAKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF; YOU'RE ALREADY WAY BETTER PEOPLE THAN YOU WERE YESTERDAY

they call him Puppy Parker, OBVIOUSLY

T-Rex: One day Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive dog! T-Rex: Science dictates this gave him the proportional speed and strength of a dog! T-Rex: So, yeah, he started getting kinda strong. Not unrealistically strong, because the dog that bit him wasn't THAT tough, but he was at least, you know, above average. He was pretty strong. T-Rex: Oh I almost forgot! He also got a great sense of smell, softer and more pettable body hair, and now regulated his internal temperature by panting!! Utahraptor: And did his vision get worse? T-Rex: Oh, way worse, absolutely. T-Rex: Then his brain started transforming into a dog brain, which was unable to sustain many of his higher functions, including most of those responsible for memory and language. Anyway, yeah, it was horrible. Utahraptor: Did his friends call him Peter BARKER? T-Rex: No. That would be monstrous. T-Rex: THE END T-Rex (punchline): Oh P.S.! He was house trained in reverse but could no longer operate a toilet??

DUE TO A HARDWARE CONFLICT, THIS SOFTWARE UPGRADE CAN ONLY BE INSTALLED DURING THE FIRST TWO THOUSAND DAYS AFTER YOUR FIRST BOOT. THIS IS A KNOWN ISSUE.

T-Rex: Maaaan, you know what's sucky and dumb? Our regular, unenhanced bodies. But you know what'd be awesome though? T-Rex: CYBERNETICALLY ENHANCED BODIES. T-Rex: All we need to do is figure out how to get living tissue to talk to cold heartless metal and we are SET. Giant metal arms, here I come! Dromiceiomimus: Pfft, limbs are entry-level stuff. What we need are implants that enhance our BRAINS: deeper, more complex thought on any issue? That could change the WORLD, yo. Get that installed in everyone and BAM, we are SET. The problem is brain implants are a tough sell! Utahraptor: I'm sure eventually we'd come up with something that rewired our brains without surgery! T-Rex: YES. Utahraptor: And this tech would, say, let us conceive of more complicated ideas and concepts than we ever could've done before the upgrade? T-Rex: YES. Oh god, yes. We'd PITY those who hadn't been upgraded yet! Utahraptor: Then good news, T-Rex! You're already a cyborg: that tech's called LANGUAGE. Narrator: SURPRISE! YOU'RE A CYBORG TOO, AND YOUR PARENTS UPGRADED THE WETWARE OF YOUR BRAIN WHEN YOU WERE A BABY, WITHOUT YOUR EXPLICIT CONSENT! Narrator (punchline): "YOU'RE WELCOME"

third try's the charm

T-Rex: Oh, hi there! T-Rex: You live in a society where someone could kill you for no reason. T-Rex: Maybe you deserve better?? T-Rex: MAYBE - just MAYBE - you deserve to live in a world where the thought of another person murdering you, or stealing your coolest stuff, or cheating you, or putting you in a hole and then filling the hole up with ants NEVER ENTERS YOUR MIND because it NEVER HAPPENS. Dromiceiomimus: What's the solution, T-Rex? A utopian society? T-Rex: Um, yes please!! Utahraptor: Tons of different utopian societies have been tried before, and all have failed! Including YOURS, T-Rex. T-Rex: TRUE. T-Rex: But you know what they all had in common? We filled them with US. Maybe we should admit that even though we had millennia, we never quite nailed the "living in peace" thing and let someone else have a chance! Like, oh I don't know... SUPERINTELLIGENT ROBOTS?? Utahraptor: Or, you know, mammals. T-Rex: Hah! The ones who have MILK that comes out of their CHEST, and then they DRINK it, and then they grow up milk-crazed so they suck it out of ANIMALS, and then they box up whatever they can't drink and sell it to other mammals at the grocery store?? T-Rex (punchline): I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT

it pairs so nicely with other all-time activity favourites, such as Watching and/or Eating

The voice of past T-Rex: When I grow up I want to be an astronaut! T-Rex: What?! That sounds like the voice of past me! The voice of past T-Rex: I'm gonna eat ice cream for every meal!! T-Rex: Wait, that IS the voice of past me!! The voice of past T-Rex: I'm gonna party with my friends every night and never ever EVER go to bed early! T-Rex: What fresh hell is this, Dromiceiomimus? My past self is reminding me of all the compromises I made growing up! Dromiceiomimus: I can hear it too, only it's MY voice! AND I WENT TO BED AT 9 LAST NIGHT! I WAS TIRED AND I DIDN'T REMEMBER THAT I SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT. The voice of past T-Rex: I'm gonna marry every pretty girl I meet! T-Rex: Okay, that one was dumb. Utahraptor: You're telling me. The voice of past T-Rex: I'm gonna have fifteen dogs and then fifteen cats and SEVENTEEN babies! T-Rex: Maybe we shouldn't feel bad about letting down our earlier iterations who wanted a pet lion "so we could hug" and who kept eating everyone's boogers "on accident"?? Utahraptor: Maybe, just MAYBE... kids are dumb? The voice of past T-Rex: I'm never gonna sit still! When I grow up I'm gonna run EVERYWHERE I GO!! T-Rex: Aw, sweetie! Sweetie, no. T-Rex (punchline): Sitting still is like the #1 Favourite Activity All-Time CHAMPION??

i am happy and humbled to accept this prestigious award, though i must admit that writing stories about grandroids always was reward enough

T-Rex: Once upon a time T-Rex: IN SPACE T-Rex: there was a little girl in a red HOODED SPACESUIT who was sent to go visit her GRANDROID, which is a GRANDMOTHER ANDROID. But oh no, what's this? T-Rex: A SPACEWOLF has disassembled her grandroid and was now wearing her SYNTHOSKIN as a disguise?? Utahraptor: Oh no! What a sad story! T-Rex: Wait, it's not done yet!! T-Rex: The girl detected the subterfuge because BAGGY SYNTHOSKIN isn't exactly the most convincing of disguises, and killed the beast with a SPACE LASER BLAST ("SLASER BLAST"). Utahraptor: wow!! Narrator: SOON: Off panel: T-Rex, let me give you this Nobel Prize for Fixing Fairy Tales by Simply Setting Them All In A Cool Future With Robots! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): Okay

YES it can transform. it can transform into a similar car but with its doors open.

T-Rex: IN THE FUTURE, travel will involve climbing inside MULTI-TON METAL ROBOTS, who will dutifully carry us to our destination!! T-Rex: But these robots will be cars instead of building-sized colossuses, due to economics being dumb!! T-Rex: EVEN SO, it's still going to be rad. And you know why, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Because after over a century of phoning it in, the "auto-mobile" will finally live up to the promise of its name?? T-Rex: YES. Also, we'll be able to play in traffic with IMPUNITY. Utahraptor: That's something we want to do? T-Rex: Um, ABSOLUTELY? T-Rex: Dude, when we can do that safely, it means cars are FINALLY no longer mindless machines ready and willing to kill anyone in their path "by accident", but now COURTEOUS ROBOT PALS with 360° situational awareness and constant predictive processing. And that means street hockey is coming back, baby! T-Rex (punchline): In other news: YES I want to live inside a robot car, and that is NORMAL

I call this comic, "Utahraptor Is Me Reading Science Fiction".

T-Rex: Antonio Tony woke up in a world without friction! All around him things were sliding around like crazy! T-Rex: "Life sure is funny sometimes," Antonio muttered as he slid smoothly out of bed! T-Rex: Antonio pushed himself off a wall and slid out the door. He kept sliding for a long time, and eventually bumped into a restaurant where he tried to eat some food, but it kept sliding around his plate. "It sucks here," Antonio said to his waiter, but loud enough for everyone else to hear too. This made the rest of the patrons uncomfortable: up to now they'd been happily enjoying their meal without friction OR interruption! Utahraptor: Holy crap, this premise is rad! SO MUCH WOULD CHANGE. But - how did this happen? Why is there no friction? T-Rex: Shh! T-Rex: An older man, Howard, angrily tells Antonio to leave if he doesn't like it. Howard's lived alone since his wife passed, eating out every meal because he went from his mother's house straight to living with his wife and never learned how to cook for himself. Utahraptor: Why's there no friction though? T-Rex: HOLD ON T-Rex: Howard and Margaret had married on a beautiful fall day fifty-three years ago. The very same day, Howard recalled - Off panel: - when friction first left the planet?? T-Rex: - when he first realized he couldn't live without this woman. Off panel (punchline): AW DAMN IT

these events were correctly predicted after something very similar happened to each and every member of the band ednaswap, also held in evaluative care

Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS today's song TORN by NATALIE IMBRUGLIA T-Rex: Nat Imbruglia has witnessed a male corpse become reanimated... OR SO SHE CLAIMS!! T-Rex: Nat adores this Frankenstein-esque creation for several reasons, including the fact that he's warm, dignified, AND good at crying. Natalie goes on to tell anyone who will listen that they are NOT that man. She then runs out of faith, takes off all her clothes, and lies on the cold floor. It's embarrassing. She's embarrassed. Utahraptor: Natalie Imbruglia's going through a rough patch, huh? T-Rex: She sure is!! T-Rex: When we come around later to check on her, Nat - still naked - says the man's gone but that she's determined the nature of the perfect sky: torn. She insists she's not crazy OR sleepy. "I'm wide awake," she says. Utahraptor: Are we on time for this revelation? T-Rex: No. We are, in fact, a little late. T-Rex: After this Natalie becomes nonverbal, refusing to engage in conversation. And that's what's going on. T-Rex: This concludes my report on Patient #25534. Narrator (punchline): THE END

Afterwards everyone all agreed that it was ANY NUMBER GREATER THAN ONE HUNDRED percent erotic.

Narrator: HOW TO WRITE A SEX SCENE T-Rex: Writers! Are your characters super horny?? T-Rex: Writers, did you imagine horned-up people "by accident" again?? T-Rex: Well I don't judge, but you should hear it from a friend first: you're going to write a sex scene soon. T-Rex: The ideal sex scene does two things: it lets your characters touch each other in places, AND it makes the reader want to put the book down, look out the window, and think "Huh. Maybe I should have some sex soon, too." Utahraptor: How does one write a sex scene, T-Rex? T-Rex: EASY. Just fill in this template! T-Rex: CHARACTER A touched CHARACTER B with his or her BODY PART. CHARACTER B quite liked it when SEX ACT happened. Before you knew it, PIECE OF FURNITURE/OFFICE EQUIPMENT was covered in LIQUID OR LIQUIDS TYPICALLY FOUND IN BODIES. Then they VERB together all over the REAL OR IMAGINED PASTA DISH. T-Rex: "To summarize the sex we just had," said CHARACTER B OR D, sighing happily, "I would say: LINE FROM ANY SPEECH BY WINSTON CHURCHILL." T-Rex: Okay! Writing is over, you can all go home now! T-Rex (punchline): Send me half of your Pulitzer!!

ANOTHER TIP: "To be or not to be, yadda yadda yadda, etc., we'll fix this in post"

Narrator: HOW TO WRITE A SCENE OF QUIET CONTEMPLATION T-Rex: Writers! Do your characters have a rich inner life that demands they introspect themselves with their full, undivided attention? T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: LOSERS T-Rex: Seriously though, I'm sure your characters probably have other qualities that make 'em cool. Maybe when they're not quietly teasing apart their innermost motivations over a nice cup of tea, they're punching their way to success, right? T-Rex: It's never too late to have your characters punch a dude, writers. T-Rex: NEVER FORGET THAT. Utahraptor: So help me write a scene of quiet introspection, T-Rex! T-Rex: NO PROBLEM. T-Rex: Just write: "You know how sometimes you can't fall asleep because you keep going over the events of the day in your head? Isn't that the coolest?? Well, check THIS out: the imaginary person you're reading about is doing that now! I KNOW: SO AWESOME." Utahraptor: Perfect!! Narrator: IN CONCLUSION, IF YOUR BOOKS SUCK NOW DON'T BLAME ME Narrator: MAN Narrator (punchline): I TRIED TO FIX 'EM FOR YOU

BONUS TIP: if you want to have a scene set in a very small room, feel free to mention how the room is "very small, barely large enough to fit these people inside of it" but be sure to also mention how "there was however still ample room for someone to take notes unnoticed: a writer, perhaps??". this will lend your story credibility.

Narrator: HOW TO WRITE A SCENE THAT TAKES PLACE IN THE DARK T-Rex: Sometimes the lights go out in a story, and you may be confused as to what your characters are doing! T-Rex: "What was that crash noise? Is someone moving around??" - YOU T-Rex: "Oh no, is my tall character's head impacting against a low-hanging beam? Has my short character wandered into an open cupboard and is now stumbling, forever lost amongst the pots and pans??" - YOU, AGAIN Utahraptor: Do you ever wonder if we experience the world in fundamentally different ways? T-Rex: CONSTANTLY. T-Rex: Anyway, the solution's real easy. When you introduce a character just say something like "Mary hadn't worked her ass off for twenty years to be Chili's ASSISTANT manager. She was shrewd, she was calculating, and right now, she was angry. Also, she had a flashlight on her at all times." T-Rex: Done! Narrator: THE END Narrator (punchline): IF ANYONE TELLS YOU WRITING IS HARD THAT'S JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT FEWER WRITERS TO COMPETE WITH