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Is there something I should do to help my friend who is in an abusive relationship?

My friend’s husband is bipolar and refuses to take medication for it. He has taken the wheels off her vehicle before to prevent her from leaving. He has held her a prisoner in her home. He has choked her, hit her, etc. She has almost divorced him a couple of times but always makes up with him, thinking that he is going to change. She and I went to a wedding out of town in September of 2014, and ever since she has been back, he is convinced that she cheated on him while we were gone. Now he is saying that I have also cheated on my boyfriend and has come to my house and told my boyfriend this.

https://counselchat.com/questions/is-there-something-i-should-do-to-help-my-friend-who-is-in-an-abusive-relationship

domestic-violence

Katrina Whitehead MA, LPCCTo provide hope and healing to individuals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/katrina-whitehead-ma-lpcc

I’m glad that you  are seeking help and that you are supporting your friend. I’m sure this is all overwhelming and frustrating for you. The biggest thing you can do for your friend is to be supportive as you are already doing. Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do for her outside of that because it is up to her husband to change and up to your friend if she wants to leave. There are things you can do to support more: it might be helpful for her to have some information on a domestic violence non profit in her area because they can assist her in many areas if she wants to leave. They can also provide you with support while you go through this with her. The nonprofit can also safety plan with her and it might be helpful for you to do it with her if you want to. Another thing you can do is support her in decision to stay with her husband or not despite what she decides. Many victims decide to stay with thier abusive partner for many reasons. It is important to support her decisions, even if you don’t agree with them, because she may have very little decision making in her relationship. I would also encourage you to make sure you are taking care of yourself while you support her so you are not becoming too overwhelmed. Here is some info that might be helpful to you. https://abuseintervention.org/sandbox77/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/How-to-Help-a-Loved-One.pdf

How can I help my boyfriend's anger issues?

I have an emotionally abusive relationship. We have been together for a year and a half. He got out of prison exactly a year ago and a half ago, and we have a infant. I love my boyfriend, and I don't want to leave without fighting for this first. He's an emotionally disconnected person. We never say “I love you” to each other. Every fight is worse than the last one, and I don't know what to do. He doesn't let me speak because he's louder than me, and that makes me feel frustrated. I have another problem: English is my second language. I pay half of the bills, and every time I want to speak to him, he kicks me out of the house. He apologizes sometimes. I feel like I'm the only one fighting for this. He agreed to have counseling.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-help-my-boyfriend-s-anger-issues

domestic-violence

Katrina Whitehead MA, LPCCTo provide hope and healing to individuals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/katrina-whitehead-ma-lpcc

I’m glad that you are reaching out for help. All of this sounds overwhelming and confusing. All of what you discribed is common in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything you can do that will change his behavior. He has to make that decision for himself. It is difficult for abusers to do this because they have to admit that thier behavior is fully thier responsibility. Abusers, a lot of times, will say they’re sorry or make promises to change and then turn around and become abusive again. I would strongly discourage any couples counseling because in an abusive relationship this can become very dangerous for the victim. Individual therapy for both of you you be a safer rout. I would also encourage you to reach out to a domestic violence non profit near you because they can help you safety plan and provide counseling if you want it. Here is some information on the cycle of violence that might be helpful for you  http://www.bfwc.org/pdf/Cycle%20of%20Violence.pdfI hope you are safe and I wish you the best.

How can I quit resenting my parents for the horrible life they provided for me?

I'm a teenager, and throughout my entire life, I've never really had good parents, or parents at all for that matter. I'm not exaggerating. I was living with my mom and grandparents until my father, in prison for most of my life, got out when I was in middle school. His mom, my grandma, only lived a mile down the road from my mom’s house, and I was so awe-stricken with my dad that I got to stay with him for a long time. Meanwhile, I did not realize that my mom was doing hardcore drugs. My mom went to prison for that and lost her café. We live in a very small town, so everyone knew about it, and I was bullied because of who my parents were. My dad ended up getting in with the wrong people and went back to prison. My mom and him had a mutual friend and often hung out at that person’s house. My parents did not get along at this point. We were driving him home one day from this house, and my mom stopped the car and kicked him out. He got out of the car, went to the driver’s side, and punched my mom in the face. I got out and told him not to hit my mom. At that point, I was really scared and mad that he did that, so I ran towards him to stop him. He literally picked me up and threw me on the back of a gravel road. I couldn't even walk. My mom tried to help me, but he started choking her. I hobbled over, and she barely got into the car, and we quickly drove away and called the police and ambulance. He was so badly strung out on drugs. He went to prison again and seems to be doing well. I met up with him once with my grandma, and we had coffee, but he's so hard to handle. I think a lot of it is that I can't bring myself to forgive him. My mom went back to prison again for drugs, and while she was in there, I moved in with my dad’s mom (the one who lived just down the road) because I trust her, her house is stable, and she's more nurturing, understanding, and loving then my other grandparents. I also stay at my boyfriend’s a lot. Now that my mom is out of prison, she's trying to control every aspect of my life. She’s trying to make me move back home out of Susan's house, and I don't want to. I don't like it there. They condone drug abuse and many other things, and I'm just not comfortable. She's even threatened to call the police and say I'm a runaway because she has custody of me. My boyfriend has always had this picture-perfect life, and his family are strict Christians. One time, his mom even went as far as to say that if he and I break up, if we were having sex, I would say that he raped me. I've got so many problems I don't even know what to do.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-quit-resenting-my-parents-for-the-horrible-life-they-provided-for-me

domestic-violence

Katrina Whitehead MA, LPCCTo provide hope and healing to individuals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/katrina-whitehead-ma-lpcc

Thank you for reaching out and I can see that this is getting to the point that it is becoming overwhelming with all that is going on. To address your question, the best answer is that it will take time and from what I read you are still living through it , so your feelings are perfectly normal for the situation. I get the  impression that you really need someone to process through all that you have been through and unfortunately getting  adequate feedback would best be done meeting one on one with a therapist vs. through a question answer forum. If you are currently in school you could see about meeting with a school therapist or if you are over the age of 15, in most states you can consent to your own therapy. If you choose not to meet with a therapist I would encourage you to call a crisis hotline to help you safety plan to keep yourself safe around your parents 1-800-273-8255  If you chose to meet with a therapist keep in mind that a lot of what you experienced can be reported to Family protective services since you are a minor. You can also choose to make a report if you are feeling unsafe with your parents. I’m glad to hear that you have your grandmother for support. I’m sure this is a lot to take in and I wish you the best.

I'm just not happy with my marriage

He is verbally abusive. When he gets mad, he just yells at me. At times, I feel scared.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-just-not-happy-with-my-marriage

domestic-violence

Katrina Whitehead MA, LPCCTo provide hope and healing to individuals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/katrina-whitehead-ma-lpcc

I’m sorry you are experiencing this and I’m glad that you are looking for help and support. I’m not sure of all the details so take from answer what you can. If you are feeling unsafe or scared in your relationship please know that there are non profit domestic violence services that can help and provide you some more support. They can also safely plan with you if you choose to leave. It seems that you might be feeling defeated and if that’s the case a lot of domestic violence non profits provide free counseling if you are needing to talk to someone. What you are going through can be overwhelming and your are taking the right steps toward healing

I'm just not happy with my marriage

He is verbally abusive. When he gets mad, he just yells at me. At times, I feel scared.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-just-not-happy-with-my-marriage

domestic-violence

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Good for you on recognizing your own feelings.  Often in an abusive relationship, the person who is being abused, starts doubting themselves and starts tolerating, then accepting abuse.Marriage is based in love and feeling taken care of by the partner.  Feeling scared is the opposite of this.If you feel ready, tell him the way you feel and pay attention to how willing your husband is to being aware that he yells and that you feel scared.If he has no idea of what you're talking about, doesn't want to understand what you feel, then slowly take steps to understand within yourself whether or not tolerating your husband's behavior is acceptable to live with on an everyday basis.

I'm falling for my abusive and cheating ex-boyfriend

My kid’s dad and I broke up two years ago. He still wants me back, and I just started to fall for him again. But our kids are with Child Protective Services: that’s why we broke up. He started to talk to other women, and he put his hands on me.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-falling-for-my-abusive-and-cheating-ex-boyfriend

domestic-violence

Katrina Whitehead MA, LPCCTo provide hope and healing to individuals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/katrina-whitehead-ma-lpcc

What you are experiencing is common with survivors of abusive relationships. Even abusive relationships have positive moments in them and typically for survivors those are things they still love and care about of the abuser. A lot of it could also be grief over the loss of the relationship and also your children. A lot of time people return to thier abuser because that’s the only support that they have. If this is something you are going through I would encourage you to seek out a domestic violence non profit in your area because they can provide you with additional support.  I don’t know the whole situation but keep in mind that abusers will make promises and say what they think the other person wants to hear to get them to return. Attached is an example of what I am talking about: http://www.bfwc.org/pdf/Cycle%20of%20Violence.pdfBased on what you decide I would encourage you to keep  caution and boundaries. It might be helpful to safety plan with a domestic violence non profit.

Is there anything I can do to help my siblings escape our emotionally abusive father?

I'm in college currently, so I am not a direct victim anymore. My father is very abusive with his words and actions, and my siblings are getting treated horribly.

https://counselchat.com/questions/is-there-anything-i-can-do-to-help-my-siblings-escape-our-emotionally-abusive-father

domestic-violence

Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC-S, NCCBilingual Licensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/vivian-d-echevarria-guzman-msc-lpc-s-ncc

Yes you can help!  Emotional and verbal abuse can cause a negative impact in your family.  It is important that you encourage your siblings to seek assistance with a therapist, and maybe help them find one, they should have school counselors available and if not our college counselor may help you to get referrals.  It’s also a good idea to talk to your mom about the issue and ask her if she would like help as well.  If you are concerned about your siblings' safety, contact Family Protective Services in your state, they will investigate and refer your father to classes or therapy as needed. It takes courage to do the right thing, you can do this!¿Hay algo que pueda hacer para ayudar a mis hermanos a escapar de nuestro emocionalmente abusivo padre?Actualmente estoy en la universidad, así que no soy victima directamente.  Mi padre es muy abusivo con sus palabras y acciones, y trata a mis hermanos horriblemente.¡Tu si puedes ayudar!  El abuso emocional y verbal puede causar daños graves en la familia.  Es importante que motives a tus hermanos a visitar e incluso encontrar a un terapista, la escuela debe tener uno disponible, y también puedes pedirle referidos a tu Consejero universitario.  También es buena idea que hables con tu mama al respecto y le preguntes si a ella le gustaría buscar ayuda.  Si te preocupa la seguridad de tus hermanos, contacta a el Departamento de Protección a la Familia en tu estado para reportar el abuso.  Ellos investigaran y determinaran si el hogar es un ambiente seguro par tus hermanos y recomendaran terapia o clases para tu papa.  Hay que ser valiente para hacer lo correcto, ¡tú puedes hacerlo!

How do I overcome the nightmare from the domestic violence of a past relationship?

I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-overcome-the-nightmare-from-the-domestic-violence-of-a-past-relationship

domestic-violence

Candice Conroy, LMHCFind relief from anxiety, depression, and trauma.

https://counselchat.com/therapists/candice-conroy-lmhc

Nightmare are actually very common for survivors of domestic violence. If they are affecting you the the point where you feel like you need to do something, you may want to consider processing your memories of the events with a trained trauma therapist. Another good option, may be to attend a support group for survivors where you could process your memories in a safe space where others will be able to provide support and understanding for what you went through as well as encouragement for the strength it took you to get out of that relationship. You may also want to consider completing a screening or assessment to rule out post-traumatic stress disorder as well.

How do I overcome the nightmare from the domestic violence of a past relationship?

I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-overcome-the-nightmare-from-the-domestic-violence-of-a-past-relationship

domestic-violence

Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting

https://counselchat.com/therapists/robin-landwehr-dbh-lpcc-ncc

Hello, and thank you for your question. First things first, I am so glad that you are alive and very sorry that you had to endure such a terrible experience. Now, let's talk about these nightmares. The first thing I want to tell you is that you are NOT losing your mind. Many people start to think that may be the case if they are still suffering from the affects of something that happened a long time ago. That's not the case. There is no time set time for which we should be "over" something like this. I am not sure if you received counseling after what happened to you, but that may be something to consider. Bad nightmares could be the sign of something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which would include other symptoms like being startled easily, re-experiencing the event, or avoiding places that remind you of it. There are other symptoms, as well, so if you believe this may be something you have you may want to seek counseling. There are good treatments for PTSD. If you cannot seek counseling at this time, there are some things you can do to try to manage the dreams on your own. I would encourage you to look up "sleepy hygiene" and try to make your bedtime rituals as relaxing as possible. You can also Google search "Nightmare re-scripting" or "Nightmare Exposure" and get some ideas on how you may be able to change your dreams. It may be a good idea to attend a domestic violence support group and get ideas from other survivors who no doubt have had sleep problems related to their experiences, too. Hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

Is my therapist telling my abuser the results of my test a HIPAA violation?

After a domestic abuse situation, I went to a therapist, and then my husband went. The therapist discussed her assessment of borderline personality disorder with me. She then told my abuser the results of my tests.

https://counselchat.com/questions/is-my-therapist-telling-my-abuser-the-results-of-my-test-a-hipaa-violation

domestic-violence

Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHCAttorney & Licensed Mental Health Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc

It sounds like it may have been a violation of confidentiality for your therapist to disclose information about you without your permission.  There are some exceptions to the general rule of confidentiality however.  For example, when a therapist has a reasonable concern that a client (or someone else) is in imminent danger, he or she is generally allowed to disclose confidential information to protect that person.If you believe your counselor has violated your confidentiality, you can always contact your states' counseling regulatiory board.  The board will then investigate the allegations and can take appropriate action.

My husband treats me terribly

My husband and I have been together for seven years now. I will be honest: I have a problem lying to him about stupid stuff. I recently stupidly lied to my husband about an accident because I was afraid to tell him what happened. Ever since then, he gives me the cold shoulder. He gets so mad and ignores me for days. He's really verbally and emotionally abusive. He tells me all the bad things about me and calls me awful names. Should we call it quits? I'm tired of crying, but we have a toddler together.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-treats-me-terribly

domestic-violence

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Texas, Thanks for your honesty; it helps me know where to go in answering you. What strikes me in your question is that you describe several ways in which your husband is hurtful/abusive/controlling with you, and then you ask "Should we call it quits?". We? I wonder if maybe the first step is for you to start seeing this decision as yours, rather than yours together. The way your husband treats you is not your fault, Texas. Your lies are a natural and normal way of you avoiding situations and encounters that feel unsafe for you. The problem is not your lying. The problem is that you don't feel safe enough to be honest with a person you're supposed to be able to trust.There's an analogy that I sometimes use; I don't know if this is scientifically true or simply a useful story, but it's powerful either way, so I will tell it to you.If you take a frog and drop it into a pot of boiling water, the frog will jump out immediately, knowing instinctively that if it stays in the pot, it will die. If you take a frog, however, and put it in a pot of cold water, and slowly, slowly, heat it to boiling, the frog will boil to death because it will fail to recognise the moment when it no longer has the energy to jump out of the pot; by the time it realises it's dying, it has lost its strength. It's called "learned helplessness". When your power or your voice has been taken away for a long time, you get used to that, and you fail to see the options that are available to you. You have a toddler, and you may be under the impression that staying in the marriage is best for the child. In my experience, and what research backs up, is that children first and foremost need a safe environment and parents who are happy. You are likely underestimating the effects on your child of living in a home with woman abuse. This is a complex picture, and if you were my client, I would want to get you to a stronger place emotionally where you're seeing the situation clearly and gathering resources and supports before you make any big decisions, but I do see that there are decisions that are there for you to make that can lead to a happy life for you and your child. I sincerely hope you seek professional help, with either a shelter for abused women or a therapist. I wish you the best.

Is it possible to gain joy and prosperity in my relationship after years of unhappiness?

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now. Throughout the entire first day that we met, he and I had the opportunity to interact quite a lot and instantly sparked a deep connection with one another. That same night, he and a friend stayed over at my house (without my mom's acknowledgment) and we kissed. The next two days were a repetition of the first day. On the third night, my mother finally caught us, and I was kicked out of my house. I left with him of course, and we went from meeting each other to being like a married couple. It was very hard for us. His stepdad also kicked him out of his home, and we were staying at cheap hotels and friend's houses with the little money we had. I quit my job and dropped out of school because it was hard to do anything without a stable home. There were times when we had nowhere else to go but sleep in the car outside a Walmart parking lot. Our honeymoon stage, as they call it, probably only lasted one month. After that, it was a downward spiral. We were constantly arguing about money, food, and our families. We kept having the famous "you're doing it wrong—do it this way" argument. After six months, we moved across the country only to live the same thing, and that's when the violence started. One afternoon, after a serious argument, he got into his truck and threatened to leave me. I was frightened that he would actually go through with his word, given that we had just moved to a place where we knew no one. He told me to let him leave or he would hit me. He had once promised he would never touch me, so I challenged him to do it. He slapped me, and ever since that time, when we have serious fights, he loses control and hurts me. I haven't had the courage to leave him, and there's really nothing stopping me now. I don't live with him, I don't depend on him, and we don't have children. We both haven't been able to let go of that deep connection that we still have and that has been damaged so badly. He always apologizes, and at the beginning, he was more willing to change. Now he just wants me to understand why he does it and how I don't ever make the effort to try to be okay. I've read enough about domestic violence to know that it's not my fault that he loses control, so that's not even an issue for me. I know he has to change that on his own. I just want to know if there's people who have gone through this and had the tables turned? Is there hope for a better future together?

https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-possible-to-gain-joy-and-prosperity-in-my-relationship-after-years-of-unhappiness

domestic-violence

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Winters, I learned a long time ago that I can't ever predict who will change and who won't. I meet couples who seem to have all the ingredients but can't make it work, and others who have severe issues and they decide to make better decisions and things change. But in reading your story, the image of a slot machine came to mind. You're gambling your life away on the chance that this guy will change. Only you can decide how many years to give it. I see him giving you clear signs that he doesn't even believe in himself or want to change though. What are you waiting for?Although you say you know his behaviours aren't your fault, something tells me that you're hoping your love for him will turn the key that unlocks something and makes him want to change. It doesn't work that way. Just like the slot machine, you have no power to change him or make this work. You can only decide when you've paid too much. I bet there's someone out there who loves and misses you. He's not your only support.

I want to stop physically abusing my girlfriend

I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because I’ve never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think I’m about to lose her, if I already haven’t. I throw things at her when I’m angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-want-to-stop-physically-abusing-my-girlfriend

domestic-violence

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Baton Rouge,I'm glad you're reaching out. The first step here is that you are taking some responsibility for your behaviours. I do hear you minimizing your actions (you say you don't "hit her enough to cause harm"?), but you're headed in the right direction. I hope that in your pursuit of treatment you learn that the harm you're causing isn't just superficial bruising. The effects of using aggression and anger to control a person are deep and lasting wounds. Please seek treatment for yourself immediately.You say you love your girlfriend? Do you love her enough to leave the relationship while you address your issues? Are you brave enough to not lean on this relationship while you learn how to create a safe place for a partner?You have dangerous habits because you don't know how to manage your own emotional pain. You can unlearn this; and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Sometimes, however, the relationship in which you have done the hurting is best ended, for both of your sakes, because too much damage has been done.I know you don't want to lose her, but you don't own her, and you don't have the right to trap her in this because you're afraid of being alone. Right now, she needs some space to figure out what's best for her and the freedom to make whatever decision she wants. This is potentially the first step to learning real respect; honouring her need for safety above your need for comfort. I wish you well.

I want to stop physically abusing my girlfriend

I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because I’ve never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think I’m about to lose her, if I already haven’t. I throw things at her when I’m angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-want-to-stop-physically-abusing-my-girlfriend

domestic-violence

Margaret Van AckerenMA, LMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda

Good for you for recognizing that a change has to be made quickly. Regardless of whether or not your girlfriend leaves your relationship, taking control of your anger needs to happen sooner than later. If left unresolved, it will follow you into any relationship you have. Have you talked to a therapist? I would suggest you take that step first. A therapist will help you explore the source of your anger and teach you new, adaptive ways of dealing with your anger. Until you're able to get some professional help, I would advise that you start recognizing when your emotions are becoming escalated and take a time out before the anger turns into aggression. If you feel yourself becoming heated, excuse yourself from the situation, go to a quiet place or on a walk, and practice some deep breathing. Clear your mind of the problem and focus only on your breathing as you inhale slowly counting to four and exhale slowly counting to six. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work right away. Deep breathing takes practice! Return to the situation or your girlfriend only once you have calmed down and are confident that you are not going to hurt anyone. You might also want to ask your girlfriend to remind you to take a break when she recognizes that your emotions are escalating. Know that with help and support, especially from a therapist, the issues you have can be resolved and new ways of coping can be learned. Good luck!

How do I get out of an abusive relationship?

I've been with my boyfriend over 3 years. He cheated on me and the woman is now pregnant. He is physically and mentally abusive towards me. I have attempted to talk with him in order to resolve our issues; however, he never wants to talk and often blames me for everything. I’m always there when he needs my help. He tells me although I help him doesn’t mean that I am a good person. He always discredits me as a woman and it’s hurtful. I spend most day crying and feeling lonely. I am unhappy and unsure of what I need to do.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-out-of-an-abusive-relationship

domestic-violence

Jessica DobbsTherapist

https://counselchat.com/therapists/jessica-dobbs

That sounds like a very hurtful situation. Unfortunately, without a batterers intervention course or a desire to change, the abuse cycle is unlikely to stop. I do not recommend that you try to leave on your own due that being the most dangerous time when in an abusive relationship. As an abuser, his goal is to control you whether it's through mental or verbal means. I recommend that you contact a domestic violence shelter in your area. I have worked closely with Harbor House of Central Florida and know they provide housing, transportation, and any other needed resources to women leaving an abusive relationship. There is help out there and you are not alone. If you need any additional resources in your area, please don't hesitate to contact me.

I have a son with my girlfriend, but she is emotionally abusive. What do I do?

I have a child with my baby mother. She works I take care of our young son. She says she is not cheating I have not found anything but she always putting me down, telling me to get out and telling me she doesn't love me, but then the next day after our fight she says she does. I'm having a hard time because before our child she said she was raped by a family member but she never went to the hospital or the cops. Now me and my family don't talk. She's always telling me I'm annoying and just belittles me. Nothing I do is right. She says I work you watch the baby. On her days off she never cooks or cleans. I have no friends or family and a couple months ago she was confiding to some guy, but says he's not any thing to her. What do I do? I don't want to leave.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-a-son-with-my-girlfriend-but-she-is-emotionally-abusive-what-do-i-do

domestic-violence

Danielle AlvarezLicensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/danielle-alvarez

It sounds like you are in a tough situation. You have to ask yourself why you don't want to leave her. Is it because of the child? Or is it because you want the relationship to work? You must consider that being in an abusive relationship is not healthy for you or your child. So if the abuse continues, it would be more beneficial for you and your child to move out.On the other hand, if you are just wanting the relationship to work out despite its current state, you need to evaluate whether the relationship is worth salvaging. It seems as though you are very unhappy and undervalued in this relationship. Although your question revealed just a short bit of information, I didn't read about any positives in the relationship. Sometimes it's extremely hard to leave a relationship even though you know that the relationship itself is harmful for you. However, with time and focus you can do it. Each day will get a little easier and you have to trust yourself that you are making the right situation for you and your child.However, if you really feel that you want to stay in the relationship, you have to be upfront with her. You need to tell her exactly how you feel and give her specific examples of how she is hurting you. This gives her a chance to render the situation. If after this there is no improvement, I suggest that you start reconsidering your decision to stay.I also think it would be valuable for you to start engaging in things outside of the home that make you happy. Are there any hobbies you enjoy? Are there any groups in the area that you can join such as playgroups that will allow you to engage with other parents? Start looking into these options and finding an avenue for you to do something for your own benefit.It is certainly not healthy for you to isolate yourself from friends and family. You need to have additional support networks besides the one with your girlfriend, especially since this has not been a healthy environment lately.Thank you for reaching out. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship.

When should I give up on a relationship?

I’ve known my boyfriend for several years. We were friends for a long time. In 2013 we started a relationship, and he even asked me to move in with him since I lived out of state. I planned to move in with him in 2014 after I finished school and he found a job. However, during this time we had a few arguments and broke up with each other for a short period of time. We decided later to make it work. Shortly after, I found out that I was pregnant. I wanted to tell him during his next visit. However, he never came to see me and instead asked me for money. After I gave him money, he quit answering my phone calls and texts. Soon after, I experienced a miscarriage. I texted him about what had happened, and he didn’t seem to care. I was extremely hurt by this. I still decided to move back as I had originally planned. He helped me with the move and replaced the money I had lent him. During this time, I asked if he wanted to be in this relationship because I needed to know. Although he says he did, I hardly ever see him. He never got a job, which was in the original plan. After that, we both started seeing other people for a short amount of time but once again got back together. Once we got back together, I cut all ties with the former relationship I had been in. I thought he had too. But I found out that he did not attempt to do as I did and was still talking with another woman. In fact, he had even sent inappropriate pictures to her. When I confronted him about this, he wasn’t apologetic. He said that he only did it to get even with me and was actually mad at me for looking through his phone. He even closed his car window on my finger and tried to throw me out of his car. I don’t know what to do.

https://counselchat.com/questions/when-should-i-give-up-on-a-relationship

domestic-violence

Danielle AlvarezLicensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/danielle-alvarez

There are plenty of red flags that you have been presented with:Several breakups Not holding up his end of the bargain regarding workLack of empathy for your miscarriageLying about his involvement with another womanPhysical violence, which is of most concern. This seems to be a very unhealthy relationship. In my experience, relationships such as these rarely become positive ones. Violence is never okay and regardless of his reasoning (you looking through his phone), it is indefensible. You have to look at these red flags and ask yourself, “Is this really someone I want to marry? Is he an asset to my life?” I think you’ll realize he is not.Best of luck to you and please know that you deserve someone who treats you with kindness, dignity and respect.

I endured sexual and physical abuse by my brother as child

Now I have anger and trust issues. How can I treat this and fix myself?

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-endured-sexual-and-physical-abuse-by-my-brother-as-child

domestic-violence

Kristi King-Morgan, LMSWSocial Worker, Psychotherapist

https://counselchat.com/therapists/kristi-king-morgan-lmsw

I will assume that for whatever reason, you either do not want to or are not able to seek counseling for this. However, I highly urge you to do so because long-term childhood abuse does have negative consequences for your life as an adult, as it seems you are already aware. There are confidential and free crisis hotlines that you can call that deal with sexual abuse. Some/most also offer free counseling services in local areas. That would be a good place to start looking, especially if cost of counseling is an issue.The important thing to know is that what happened was not your fault and that you deserve to live a happy life free of the past. Having anger and trust issues after something like this is a perfectly normal reaction to what happened to you. Angry? Yes! At your brother for what he did, at your parents for not protecting you. Having trouble trusting? Of course! The very people who were supposed to love and protect you hurt you instead. Two books that might help you are Codependent No More and Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin.

Why did my boyfriend hit himself in the face during an argument?

When I got home, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. He got upset and he started hitting his face. That is the first time he has ever done that, but I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me. I locked myself in the room.

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-did-my-boyfriend-hit-himself-in-the-face-during-an-argument

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Sounds scary to watch.  I agree with you!Maybe he felt so overwhelmed by anger, hurt and frustration that he went back to an old behavior from his past in which someone hit him for having strong emotions.Now that the incident is past, bring up the topic to him so the two of you can discuss it.Just the fact of you having empathy and caring what he was feeling at the time, may be restorative to him.At the very least, you may find out exactly what the answer is to your question as to why he did this in the first place!

Why did my boyfriend hit himself in the face during an argument?

When I got home, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. He got upset and he started hitting his face. That is the first time he has ever done that, but I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me. I locked myself in the room.

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-did-my-boyfriend-hit-himself-in-the-face-during-an-argument

anger-management

Gayle WeillSpecializing in relationships and parenting - additional certifications in Child-parent psychotherapy, Circle of Security-Parenting program, adoption competency, hypnosis, and EMDR

https://counselchat.com/therapists/gayle-weill

Seeing your boyfriend hitting his face sounds very scary! Sometimes when people are experiencing strong emotions the emotional pain becomes so overwhelming that they try to relieve the emotional pain by causing themselves physical pain. It is a dysfunctional way of calming themselves down. I don’t know your boyfriend or your boyfriend’s history so I can’t know for sure if that was what was happening, but I am certainly glad that he does not do that on a regular basis. When you are both feeling calm, and if you feel comfortable, talk to him about what happened. It is difficult to be in a relationship when you are scared and don’t understand why the other person engaged in a frightening behavior. If you feel safe enough and do not worry about his reaction, I would talk to him about your feelings regarding what happened. If you don’t feel safe enough and are worried about his reaction or that he might hurt you, talk to someone who knows you or a therapist who you could feel comfortable confiding in so that they could guide you on how to move forward.

How do I not be angry all the time?

My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-not-be-angry-all-the-time

anger-management

Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide

https://counselchat.com/therapists/dr-meredyth-lawrynce

Anger is a  secondary emotion, figuring out what you felt before the anger, hurt, embarrassment, disrespect. Once you identify the underlying feeling you can address the anger.

How do I not be angry all the time?

My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-not-be-angry-all-the-time

anger-management

Ian Palombo#ThoughtMediator & #LifeUntangler

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ian-palombo

Anger is a natural and healthy emotion that everyone feels from time to time. But when you find yourself being caught off guard with unexpected anger or feeling anger at a time when you can’t express it, it can be difficult to cope with. So, what can you do when you find yourself feeling anger unexpectedly? Below are some strategies to help you keep your calm and respond appropriately. 1. Acknowledge Your FeelingsWhen you’re caught off guard with anger, you might start to feel defensive or emotional and not immediately know why. Before you do or say anything, assess your feelings and acknowledge that you’re angry, and what is the likely cause of the anger. “Our children got in a fight her child started, and she’s wrongfully blaming my daughter.” 2. Take a BreathAs you acknowledge you’re upset, stop and take a breath. Put physical distance between you and the other person by taking a couple of steps back. 3. Be Curious Instead of FuriousIf you have difficulty controlling your anger, it can be all too easy to jump instantly into furious mode and unleash your anger. Instead of being angry, be curious. Consider why this person is behaving this way, or saying these things. Maybe they had a bad morning or heard some upsetting news. 4. It’s Not PersonalRemind yourself that this isn’t personal to you. Oftentimes when people are behaving inappropriately or saying hurtful things, it’s because of things going on with them in their own lives. Practice reminding yourself that it’s not personal to you. 5. Use “I” StatementsWhen you’re upset, it might not always be appropriate to respond. Sometimes it’s best to just walk away. But if you do need to say something, focus on the behavior you find unacceptable without placing blame. Talk specifically about your feelings and the effect of the behavior on you. By communicating without placing blame, you are more likely to be understood and work toward a resolution, rather than putting the other person on defense and starting a conflict. If you’re still feeling upset after a difficult exchange, try calling a friend to vent, write your feelings down in a letter you’ll never send, or do some exercise. Go for a walk, or join a friend for spin class. Do something nice for yourself later, like cooking a special dinner or taking a hot bath. When it comes to anger, remember that in the long run it’s best for you to control it, rather than allow it to control you. Are you having difficulty managing your emotions? Is anger beginning to have a significant negative impact on your life and relationships? A licensed mental health professional specializing in anger management can help. Visit denvermhc.com today and we can schedule an appointment to talk.

How do I not be angry all the time?

My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-not-be-angry-all-the-time

anger-management

Wendy GagneCouples, Parenting, Anger and ADHD

https://counselchat.com/therapists/wendy-gagne

You must be feeling frustrated about how to resolve this. Some people seem to really provoke emotional responses in us. One thing to learn for a quick review of yourself when you are provoked is to pay attention to your body. Notice your heart rate, fists clenched, some warmth going through your body and these are signs that the interaction is toxic for you. Move out of the room, say something calling to both of you and let things simmer down before responding. When you are able to calm your body, think of ways to bring the issue to her attention using positive words but holding your ground. If she doesn't listen ask someone to come with you to talk to her about it, If she still won't listen, reassess your expectations of her.Finally if you need to , you may have to consider changing the status of your rooming together.

How do I not be angry all the time?

My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-not-be-angry-all-the-time

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Must you keep this roommate in your life?If you've tried speaking with the person about your unhappiness to feel angry "all the time" , the problem has been going on for an extended amount of time and nothing changes, then the next step would be for both of you to part ways.It is possible each of you triggers the other in very deep and irrational ways on occasion.If the choice is to tolerate being triggered or to dissolve the relationship, then your decision is which of these two choices is better for you.Since you already know you don't like to be triggered, parting ways as soon as reasonably possible, seems the choice you prefer.Either choice is fine.  Let the decision depend on which way makes you feel life is livable and happy!

Why do I get angry so easily?

Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-get-angry-so-easily

anger-management

Damalie NamaleHealing relationships

https://counselchat.com/therapists/damalie-namale

You easily get angered because you haven't trained your mind to ration how your brain interprets the events you experience. As a result you act after an event happens because you do not ration and question to find out if your interpretations of events are rational and legitimate.Anger is an emotion that communicates to us that something is not right and we feel threatened and have to fight back in self defense. All it takes is one event to be trigged and the rest is history. Anger management can help you identify what triggers you so that you can train yourself to be able to interpret events in a rational way.Anger is not the problem, it is what we do when we get angry that is the problem.

Why do I get angry so easily?

Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-get-angry-so-easily

anger-management

Gayle WeillSpecializing in relationships and parenting - additional certifications in Child-parent psychotherapy, Circle of Security-Parenting program, adoption competency, hypnosis, and EMDR

https://counselchat.com/therapists/gayle-weill

It’s important to think to yourself about what it is about losing the comb that gets you so angry. What are the thoughts that go through your mind when things that are out of your control (like losing the comb) happen? It’s okay to be upset, but some self-awareness about what’s going on to cause those feelings is important, and only you can know what thoughts are going through your mind when you find yourself becoming angry. Is it that you feel badly about yourself when these small things happen? If that’s the case then you need to work on your self-esteem. Is it that you are frightened when you don’t know where something is and that causes the anger? Try to identify the thought behind the feeling. As for the throwing things when you become angry- please know, it’s okay to feel angry. Feeling the emotion of anger isn’t necessarily a problem. Any emotion is okay to have. It’s how we express our emotions that sometimes becomes the problem. Throwing things can be a dysfunctional way of handling anger (like if the things you throw break, or if someone sees you throwing things and becomes scared) and it would be a good idea to work with a therapist or anger management coach to brainstorm some healthier ways to express your feelings.

Why do I get angry so easily?

Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-get-angry-so-easily

anger-management

Linda MullinKicking anxiety and depression to the curb!

https://counselchat.com/therapists/linda-mullin

Anger does have its place.  When anger is experienced often or the magnitude of it does not fit the scenario, such as your losing comb, the question becomes, what does losing that comb mean to you?  In the very split second that you have realized the comb is missing, there is a reaction that occurs within you, accompanied by an image or thought that like lightening flashes so quickly that you may not be aware what it is.  As Sherry noted below, awareness.  Awareness is fundamental.  Becoming aware of ourselves and what is happening internal that sparks it off.  The next time you feel angry from a "small thing", stop and ask yourself, why am I angry that this is lost?  Find out what you are thinking or how you are speaking to yourself.  You will become aware and once you are aware, steps can be taken to alter the experience for the better. A professional can assist with that!

Why do I get angry so easily?

Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-get-angry-so-easily

anger-management

Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson

I don't like the word "problem".  It is such a strong word.  However I would say that you have an issue that needs to be addressed and controlled before it directed at the wrong person and gets totally out of control.  I have found that anger management classes has been helpful for my clients.  Try and see if it will help.  You will be surprised at what you learn about your self.

Why do I get angry so easily?

Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-get-angry-so-easily

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Anyone who asks whether or not they have a problem, usually feels at least partly, that they do have a problem.Your answer to the question is what matters.Since you already understand that your reaction is overstated to the events which trigger them, the reactions you're having are more than likely anger that is leftover from past events, either in the near or distant past.Be aware, consider, reflect on  how you usually handle feeling angry.  Based on your description here, it is quite likely that the anger you show toward what you call "little things" reflect anger at much bigger matters that are uncomfortable and not easy to understand.Knowing more about the more significant matters causing frustration for you, may very likely decrease reacting angrily toward smaller matters.

How can I stop overthinking and getting upset easily?

When I think of things people put me through in the past, I get upset all over again and take it out on everyone. I'll be mad for nothing at all and have a attitude with everyone for no reason.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-stop-overthinking-and-getting-upset-easily

anger-management

Gayle WeillSpecializing in relationships and parenting - additional certifications in Child-parent psychotherapy, Circle of Security-Parenting program, adoption competency, hypnosis, and EMDR

https://counselchat.com/therapists/gayle-weill

It sounds like you have had difficulty in processing what happened to you in the past and because of that difficulty in moving past what happened to you, when you are reminded of what happened you get angry all over again. Please know that it IS possible to remember what happened but to also not have the same emotional response. It is very common to have difficulty processing a traumatic situation that occurred in the past. Many people go through this. A good therapy designed to assist with this type of issue is EMDR. Try to find a therapist who is trained in EMDR to help you with processing these memories so that you don’t have the same emotional response every time you think about what happened. Best of luck to you!

How can I stop overthinking and getting upset easily?

When I think of things people put me through in the past, I get upset all over again and take it out on everyone. I'll be mad for nothing at all and have a attitude with everyone for no reason.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-stop-overthinking-and-getting-upset-easily

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

You're definitely not mad at "nothing".I agree with your point about not emitting your upset about internal matters onto people who have nothing to do with what bothers you.Your internal stressors are real, otherwise you wouldn't feel the way you describe.Take time to understand what bothers you about past situations and leave open the amount of time you will need to feel finished with examining these topics.The more thoroughly you understand yourself, the less likely you will be to bring past stressors into current relationships.

How can I be less angry?

I get really mad easily at my parents and family.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-be-less-angry

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Anger is usually pain and frustration which cannot be expressed directly to people in your surroundings.How someone can be less angry is by directly saying your thoughts and feelings.One approach is to to tell either or both parent that you would like them to hear you.Knowing you tried to be heard adds to your own self-respect, regardless of their willingness to do as you ask.If you are simply left with no chance to make yourself understood by them, then look for ways to expand your social support system so you do have people who willingly hear and talk with you.Even if social media groups are the only format available to you, it is at least some type of human interaction and interest in who you are

How can I be less angry?

I get really mad easily at my parents and family.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-be-less-angry

anger-management

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. If you are angry and you can talk about your feelings, that would be very helpful. Anger usually comes along with something else, like feeling sad, worried, overwhelmed, confused, and many others. Consider looking at what you notice in addition to anger and you may have a different starting point. If you get along well with friends and don't get angry with them, look at the differences. Do you feel criticized by your parents or family? Misunderstood? There could be any number of things.I wonder if you start getting angry very slowly and it builds or if it happens quickly. Try to keep an eye on the patterns and see if you can stop and look at what else is going on as you start to get angry. Anger is a real emotion in itself. It almost always connects to something else as well.

How can I control myself and my anger?

I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-control-myself-and-my-anger

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Death of someone with whom we had fond involvement, is sad.   Accepting that a person is permanently gone from this earth, is unsettling and can feel painful.That you had no current contact with this person doesn't exclude the meaning or feelings from within your relationship with this person.     Relationships don't require a time measurement in order to affect us.   Your question acknowledges the process of adjusting to life without the chance to see or hear from this person again.It is normal to grieve so be gentle and not critical of yourself when you feel yourself missing this person.

How can I control myself and my anger?

I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-control-myself-and-my-anger

anger-management

Shannon GonterBe who you are, not who the world has told you to be.

https://counselchat.com/therapists/shannon-gonter

Meditation may be able to assist you in dealing and looking at your anger differently. Anger is not usually just anger. Behind our anger may lie rejection, grief, loneliness, a longing to reconnect, etc. When we ignore or repress our anger, we are always ignoring these other emotions as well.Meditation is the midpoint between expressing and repressing anger. It allows us a space to stay present with it as it arises and recognize the many faces of anger. By doing this, we are able to become aware of our feelings to learn more about them and not be swept away by them. Learn more here: https://www.therapybyshannon.com/blog-2/2019/4/26/meditate-to-manage-anger

How can I control myself and my anger?

I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-control-myself-and-my-anger

anger-management

Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC-S, NCCBilingual Licensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/vivian-d-echevarria-guzman-msc-lpc-s-ncc

Awareness is the first step.  Now that you know that you snap and push people away, you can look into ways to control your anger.  If you give yourself the time to analyze why you experience anger, you will discover that there are other feelings underneath;  shame, frustration, disappointment, and fear are some of the feelings that we cover with anger when we are not ready to deal with them or don’t know how to express them.  So next time you feel angry, even if you snap (with practice you will be able to identify them ahead of time), identify why you are angry, and try to express it out loud.  A therapist can help you to learn assertive communication skill using examples drawn from your daily experiences.If you would like to engage in therapy, I am licensed in Texas and Puerto Rico, you can contact me at 787-466-5478.¿Cómo puedo controlarme y a mi coraje?Exploto fácilmente y alejo a las personas.  Necesito ayudo antes de hacer que mi novio se aleje.Tener conciencia de la situación es el primer paso.  Ahora que sabes que explotas y alejas a las personas, puedes buscar maneras de controlar tu enojo.  Si te das tiempo para analizar porque te da coraje, descubrirás que hay otras emociones escondidas, la vergüenza, la frustración, la decepción y el miedo son algunas de las emociones que cubrimos con coraje cuando no estamos listos para revelarlas, procesarlas o expresarlas.  Así que la próxima vez que estés a punto de explotar, o cuando ya hayas explotado (con la practica uno aprende a identificarlas de antemano), identifica por que estas enojada e intenta expresarlo en voz alta. Un consejero te puede ayudar aprender técnicas de comunicación asertiva usando ejemplos de tu vida cotidiana.Si te gustaría hacer terapia, soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478.

How can I control my temper?

I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-control-my-temper

anger-management

Myron Jones, Ph.D, LPC-S, LCDCCouples, Families, Youth, Substance abuse, and Grief and Loss

https://counselchat.com/therapists/myron-jones-ph-d-lpc-s-lcdc

Anger is a normal emotion, no different than joy, elation, or sadness. It's not anger that gets us in trouble it's the overtness of the emotion or how we allow it to manifest that gets us in trouble. Being able to control your temper depends on several variables: how you saw anger acted out as a child in terms of your primary caregivers and what you internalized as being normal in terms of managing conflict, and your communication style regarding how you confront problematic situations. There are some whose anger takes on a volcano effect whereby they don't readily address problematic situations but rather they continue to stuff their emotion until the right trigger causes them them to explode, and then there are those who are very impulsive in terms of how they react to stressful situations, they don't take time to think out situations or to make sense of them, they just impulsively respond. I would encourage you to seek anger management from a therapist who utilizes a Cognitive Behavioral approach in order that you may explore how your irrational thinking related to certain situations may be influencing your problematic behavior. In addition, I would encourage you to engage in activities that promote stress reduction if your blowups are indeed related to being overly stressed. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem that you need help in understanding and addressing, which you have, now take the next step in finding a therapist in order that you may learn to control your temper and undo some faulty wiring that may be related to how you process emotion, and communicate that you're angry. Remember, anger is the overt expression of some other emotion (i.e., disappointment, hurt, frustration, etc..) Hope this helps...

How can I control my temper?

I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-control-my-temper

anger-management

Pamela SuraciBuild on your strengths, grow in your challenge areas and improve your life!

https://counselchat.com/therapists/pamela-suraci

Well, yes, of course it scares them.  They see someone they love behaving is frightening ways.  That's a good reason to want to manage your emotions differently...but  what are your thoughts on your anger?  Do you think your angry feelings justify lashing out?  The thing is that feeling angry is just that...feeling.  Acting out is behavior and that affects everyone around you.  Do you need to manage your behavior, as well as your feelings?  My guess is that you do.First you need to pay better attention to your feelings "thermostat".  If you are always near "boiling" you don't have much margin for error.  It's in  your best interest, and  that of your family, to bring that temperature down.  That may mean more physical activity, meditation, journaling or some other outlet.The next, and bigger, question is what are you so mad about?  Or are you really sad, scared, confused?  Anger is a secondary emotion, much like pneumonia is a secondary infection.  Anger, which sets us up to defend ourselves against a perceived danger, is often a cover for feelings that leave us more vulnerable.  That means people who are grieving may exhibit rage; people who are scared may lash out.That doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it might explain it. Get in t o see a therapist ASAP.  You need a bit of help to identify both anger triggers and underlying feelings that get played out as anger.  You are not a bad person for exhibiting emotions, but anger can quickly become destructive - get help now!

How can I control my temper?

I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-control-my-temper

anger-management

Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson

Yes you can..  If you cannot control your temper, who can?  You have more power of your emotions, thoughts and feeling than you are giving yourself credit for.  If this is scaring your wife and child, you need to get control of it immediately.  Try going to an anger management class.  It will help to discover what is the root cause of your anger, what triggers it and how you can control/manage it.  If you can't go to a class, try self help books or even better yet counseling and support of a professional counselor.

How do I deal with my alcoholic boyfriend with a dark past?

We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-my-alcoholic-boyfriend-with-a-dark-past

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

You shouldn't need to educate yourself on violent outbursts.  He is the one in the position to change his violent outbursts.   They are his behavior, not yours.  All you're trying to do is have a relationship with this guy.The one task to do is during a quiet time to tell your boyfriend the way you feel about his outbursts.His answer, whether he denies having a problem, blames you for his problem, tells you the problem isn't so bad, why are you complaining, tells you a lot about his willingness to change.Whether or not he considers himself to have a problem and wants to change himself, is very good for you to know.This tells you what to expect from him in future.   You can reflect and plan ahead for your own life depending on your tolerance and willingness to live with what he answers you.

How do I deal with my alcoholic boyfriend with a dark past?

We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-my-alcoholic-boyfriend-with-a-dark-past

anger-management

Karen Keys, LMHC, CASAC, NCCRecovery and Wellness Expertise

https://counselchat.com/therapists/karen-keys-lmhc-casac-ncc

First, let me extend my compassion to both of you -- it sounds like you have a lot on your plates. Childhood trauma carries its negative effects into our adulthood and affects everyone who loves us. Your question is brief, so I'll just try to give general answers as best I can. From my experiences treating many people with your boyfriend's experiences, the short, healthy answer is that you can't fix the situation and maybe not even be able to help. He needs a professional. Period. What you can do, is take care of yourself. With his background, it is not likely that he will be able to help you or take care of you in a healthy way. Your task needs to prioritize your own safety and well-being. Trauma and substance abuse are the definition of being out of control, unable to set and manage appropriate boundaries, manage his own emotions and behaviors. So your boyfriend is unlikely to be able to change in the near-term, certainly not without professional help. You might also benefit from help and support, to understand your own role in your relationship and how you can make changes in your life. I am NOT blaming you for any aspect of your boyfriend's behavior, only acknowledging that there are two people in every relationship. If you have accepted your boyfriend's drinking and violent outbursts in the past (by staying in the relationship), that is likely to perpetuate his behavior. And there isn't any way to "handle violent outbursts." They shouldn't be handled at all, and if you have to be away from your boyfriend during his outbursts in order to be emotionally and physically safe, then that may be what you will have to do. We can never really change anyone else. The only person we can change is ourselves. Sometimes our behavior changes the odds of another person's behaviors, but it doesn't control it. I would recommend that you work with a professional to first, ensure your own safety above all. Then make decisions about what behavior you are willing to accept or be connected to, and which you want to separate from. Whatever your boyfriend does in his life, you will be happier if you manage your own feelings, set boundaries, etc. Let me say again that you also would benefit from some good insight and support as you continue your journey. Wishing you and your boyfriend healing and recovery.

My girlfriend always brings up past events and talks negatively about them

Any time things get heated, the past gets brought up. I raise my voice at her to try to get a point across. She asks open-ended questions but always has to turn my own answer against me. She's seven months pregnant. I have drank in the past, but I'm not dependent on alcohol—I only drink at social events.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-girlfriend-always-brings-up-past-events-and-talks-negatively-about-them

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Have you tried to talk about the subjects of the past, in the present at a time in which there is no heat between the two of you?Since your gf would like to resolve situations from the past the best way to do so would be to talk about them.  The more you try to avoid certain subjects the more likely they will come up between you at worse possible moments.If you can get ahead of the pattern of old topics coming up without your control, then try scheduling a discussion about them.  This by itself will show your gf you care about what she cares about and this may be one quality she would feel good about.

How can I just be happy and not mad all the time?

Everything just makes me upset.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-just-be-happy-and-not-mad-all-the-time

anger-management

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

Anger often comes with a lot of other emotions. Consider what else you may be feeling at the same time and keep track of your different mood changes. You may be able to notice patterns, such as being more frustrated when you don't sleep well. If you do feel as though you are mad all the time, can you think of any exceptions so you can see what is different in those times?

I need help controlling my anger

My long-term girlfriend broke up with me recently. She says it's because of my anger.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-need-help-controlling-my-anger

anger-management

Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC-S, NCCBilingual Licensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/vivian-d-echevarria-guzman-msc-lpc-s-ncc

I need help controlling my anger.Anger is like a blanket that contains other emotion from bursting out and serves as a shield to protect us when we are not able to manage external issues.   Anger also helps us understand that there’s something wrong that needs to change.  Once we understand that something else caused us to feel angry, then we can explore the source of anger. Ask yourself: Why am angry, Am I hurt, disappointed, confused, embarrassed etc.?  Once you find the answer, explore how often that happens and what’s your reaction.  Then explore how else you could respond or react.  You could use I-statements as a way to communicate your true feelings to your girlfriend or whoever is involved in the scenario.  This is a good exercise to practice with your Counselor or mental health provider because many unresolved issues may arise during this exploration, especially if you have been angry for a long timeAlso, it is important to understand the difference between anger and aggression and learn to manage our anger before we act on it.  Anger is a feeling; aggression is when you act out your anger physically, verbally and psychologically.  Find ways to vent: crying or sweating will help to release your anger, and balance the chemical response that our body creates when you become angry.  Physical activity and meditation exercises can also provide a break when you manage strong emotions.Necesito ayuda para controlar mi coraje.El coraje es como una manta que cubre otras emociones evitando que se desborden y sirve como un escudo que nos protege cuando no podemos manejar problemas externos.  El coraje también nos ayudo a entender que hay algo mal que debemos cambiar.  Cuando entendemos que algo mas causo el coraje entonces podemos explorar la fuente.Pregúntate a ti mismo: ¿Por qué tengo coraje, estoy herido, decepcionado, confundido, avergonzado, etc.?  Ya que encuentres la respuesta, explora cuan frecuente tienes esa reacción.  Luego explora como puedes reaccionar en otra ocasión.  Puedes usar expresiones del Yo para comunicar tus verdaderos sentimientos a la persona envuelta en la situación.  Esto es un buen ejercicio para practicar con tu Consejero o profesional de la salud mental ya que otros conflictos sin resolver pueden surgir durante este proceso de exploración.También es importante entender la diferencia entre el coraje y la agresión, y aprender a manejar el coraje antes que actuemos.  El coraje es un sentimiento y la agresión es cuando expresas tu coraje agrediendo a alguien, física, emocional o sicológicamente.  Encuentra maneras de desagotare, llorar o sudar te pueden ayudar en este proceso al balancear la respuesta química que crea el cuerpo cuando estamos molestos.  El la actividad física y la meditación también pueden ayudarte a relajarte y tomar un descanso cuando manejas emociones fuertes.

How do I deal with my son's violent thoughts and dreams?

My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help!

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-my-son-s-violent-thoughts-and-dreams

anger-management

Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson

If your son is reporting "extremely violent thoughts and dreams" please have an psychological evaluation done by a psychiatrist now before it gets even worse for him to bare.  Don't take his reports lightly.  For him  to tell you, he knows that something is not right.  He is seeking and needing help.  Get it immediately.  Best to be safe than sorry.

How do I deal with my son's violent thoughts and dreams?

My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help!

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-my-son-s-violent-thoughts-and-dreams

anger-management

Jorge TovarTherapist

https://counselchat.com/therapists/jorge-tovar

Let me start my stating this is important to take seriously - taking to his PCP, getting a referral to a pediatric specialist, and getting him to a relational psychotherapist would be my first tasks. I wont label this occurrences as "normal" yet it is important to note these things do occur. My first observation is to say that it is a tremendous advantage that your son is communicating what he is experiencing. I'd encourage him to continue to do so, no matter the extent of his thoughts - his trust of you being able the handle his experience is of utmost importance. His containment and sense of security is also dependent on your reaction to what he shares. Seek professional help, communicating your support, including a plan of action, and reassuring him you will figure this out together will help you as you begin.

How can I deal with the anger problems I've gained from my soon-to-be husband?

I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-deal-with-the-anger-problems-i-ve-gained-from-my-soon-to-be-husband

anger-management

Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson

With me knowing that a healthy relationship usually includes respect, trust, appreciation, companionship, spiritual solidarity, domestic support, feeling of being cherished, and  sensuous affection, I am wondering if you are lacking in several if not all of these needs in your present relationship.  Before he becomes your husband, you should examine these areas and see if they are high in rating.  Otherwise, yes this relationship will affect your girls and you negatively.  I would suggest relationship counseling, specifically pre-marital.  Not be surprised if through the process you realize that this relationship is not the best choice for you and your children.

How can I deal with the anger problems I've gained from my soon-to-be husband?

I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-deal-with-the-anger-problems-i-ve-gained-from-my-soon-to-be-husband

anger-management

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

My gut says that your own rage is being triggered partly because you feel trapped or shutdown by your fiance's moody/angry/rage responses and powerless to stop it. You can start by accepting that this is who he is and you won't change him. You can only change your own behaviours, and I see you taking responsibility for those, which is great. You want to protect your girls, and that's appropriate; children are greatly affected by this type of home environment. I urge you to see a therapist so you can understand your own emotions and sort out the choices you have to make, knowing that your fiance has to make his own choices about his behaviours.

How can I stop being so angry?

I have not been able to really sleep. I stay up all times of the night not even knowing why. Every day, I feel like I have anger inside of me. I have a little family, but I can't open up to them like I want to. I have a son, and I feel that I take my anger out on him by screaming at him.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-stop-being-so-angry

anger-management

Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson

Best question is....what are you so angry about?  You can't stop being so angry until you figure out what is the root of your anger.  If you feel like you have anger inside, while I am sure you do.  Taking it out on your son is only passing on the hurt and anger.  This will be inside him too.  Get some professional help so that you can be happy and have a happy child.

Why am I so mad?

My issue isn't resisting angry urges; it's the anger itself. My rage is extreme and vastly disproportionate to the direct stressor. It causes violent thoughts, but I never act. I stay lucid enough to know the rage is violent, not me. I don't want to drown myself in anger and resentment.

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-so-mad

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Knowing how you feel and also being able to stabilize yourself to act upon the tremendous anger you feel, are fine qualities.Anger, whatever the magnitude, generally reflects emotional pain that has not yet been placed into words.Try thinking over your growing up years because maybe you will discover certain repeated dynamics which upset you and that no one helped you feel secure through such times.Also, if either of your parents drank too much and raged when they were drunk, you may be repeating their patterns of how to respond to situations.   Even without drinking, the response patterns of yelling and throwing things are frightening enough to leave a permanent memory.If this describes part of your childhood, then it is possible you are becoming angry because it was the only emotion that either of your parents was able to express.

How can I control myself and learn to let things go or communicate?

Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-control-myself-and-learn-to-let-things-go-or-communicate

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Congratulations on making your way to Step One, self-observation and deciding to change a feature about how you understand and relate to others.There is extraordinary strength in being willing to notice your effect on others and consider what changes are possible.Start on the inside track of your own heart and mind.  Once you're able to understand what is driving your emotions to the point where the only reasonable way of handling them is to curse and offend people, you'd have gotten a long way in knowing your own expectations of others and how far off the mark from this in your mind, they are.For example, if you expect others to always be accepting, tolerant and happy about situations with your boyfriend, and you're hearing otherwise from people, then you can prepare yourself for possible, less than positive comments about your relationship, or you can ask people to not comment to you about your relationship at all.Basically, the more you know about yourself and are willing to accept your right to ask others to respect your views, the easier and calmer time you'll have in handling comments from others that you're not glad hearing.Also, this is a long process because you'd be trying to change long time and deep patterns of interacting.Be patient with your own learning curve and certainly consider therapy for yourself in order to have some outside guidance and support for the process you're placing yourself.

How can I control myself and learn to let things go or communicate?

Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-control-myself-and-learn-to-let-things-go-or-communicate

anger-management

Margaret Van AckerenMA, LMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda

Taking accountability for your actions and seeking help is an excellent first step. I wonder where the anger is coming from. Learning what is at the root of it can shed some light on what the problem is and can provide some relief in itself. I would also suggest doing some self-exploration and see a therapist for individual sessions in order to gain a clearer insight as to what the cause is. There are also several actions you can take on your own to help control your anger and communicate more effectively. Here is what I would recommend you try: Take time outs: When you feel yourself becoming upset, excuse yourself and take a time out to either think about the most appropriate course of action or redirect your thoughts all together. Often when we become angry, it is difficult to see the issue clearly, as our emotions get in the way.  Do deep breathing exercises: Close your eyes. Breathe in slowly to the count of 4. Breathe out even slower to the count of 6. Practice this for about 5 minutes, 3 times a day and focus on nothing except your breathing during this time. Once it becomes routine for you, it will be easier to apply during situations in which you are angry or upset. Change negative thought patterns: Try and recall or be aware of your thoughts, particularly when you are feeling angry. What are these thoughts telling you? Are they valid or logical? Is there factual evidence to support the negative thoughts? Often the answer is "no." Learn to stop the negative thoughts and replace them with logical and more positive ones.  Communicate effectively: As a speaker, you want to use "I" statements by telling the other person how you feel instead of blaming him/her by using "you" statements. For example, you might say something such as, "I feel sad when you don't come home at a decent hour and I don't get to spend time with you" versus "You always stay out late and don't even care about me." The speaker should also avoid using black and white language such as always, never, etc. As the listener, you want to validate what you hear so that the other person knows that you are listening. You will also want to be responsive and offer fair solutions. I wish you luck in using these tools and learning about where your anger comes from.

How can I control myself and learn to let things go or communicate?

Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-control-myself-and-learn-to-let-things-go-or-communicate

anger-management

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi California,I'm happy to hear you want to get a hold of this problem. Relationships don't tend to last when we treat people poorly. It is very possible for you to learn different ways of relating, with some strong effort. I would highly suggest working with a therapist, and I will give you a few things to think about in the interim.Sometimes anger is there because we feel something is unjust or unfair, but many times, anger is a "secondary emotion", and it's simply there to protect us from other, more vulnerable emotions that we would rather not feel and will do anything to avoid. Discovering what vulnerable emotions you are protecting yourself from is important. Perhaps you feel powerless, or unloved, or unimportant. It may take some time before you recognise this emotion. Once you do, you can ask yourself about the other times in your life when you have felt that emotion. Where did it originate? At what age did you feel "too much" of that feeling...so much so that you can't stand it even in tiny amounts?You will learn in therapy to identify the thoughts you have that are connected to that feeling. They are typically incorrect thoughts, like "No one lifes me", or "People will always hurt me". Fear tends to generalize and predict bad things that aren't likely.Your habit is so strong that you likely have a poor sense of self-worth and you don't believe people will love you...so you hurt them to keep them at a distance. This happens in a subconscious level. Do you see how that would help you to keep people off balance or afraid or a distance away if you didn't believe in your worth? So, it's backwards really, because you think you're getting mad at people who "piss you off", but you're really just not wanting to face how mad you are at yourself.In addition to this work, you can start to purposely treat people more kindly. Find out what respect is, make amends and  resolve to spreading peace. It might sound too simple, but if you act as though you're a person of peace, you will start to feel more peaceful.But I hope you do contact a therapist. It will take time and support to reach your goal.

How can I be less confused about my feelings towards anything?

I don't know how to notice or express my feelings besides anger. That's really the only one i feel.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-be-less-confused-about-my-feelings-towards-anything

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Well, then give yourself some credit for noticing that you recognize at least one feeling that you have!What is your own theory as to what is difficult to know your feelings?  Your answer will give you clues as to unearthing your willingness to be aware of the way you feel.Sometimes the family in which someone grew up, did all they could to stop the kids from knowing who they were.In some families there were very severe consequences if a child spoke up with an independent mind.  By knowing where your difficulties started, you may very well be able to release the situation in which you learned to suppress your feelings.Also, spend some time with yourself just enjoying who you are.  Often, people who have difficulty in expressing themselves, suffered shame and humiliation as a child.  They have a chronic sense of worthlessness, and feeling worthless certainly works against self-expression.  By having a good time being with yourself, you may increase your self-appreciation and this will go a long way to believing that your feelings are worth knowing and stating.

I need to know how to cope with misophonia before I go completely insane

The sounds of eating and breathing gives me headaches—mostly mouth breathing and snoring. It makes me angry, and I want to solve it myself.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-need-to-know-how-to-cope-with-misophonia-before-i-go-completely-insane

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Probably good to know in what type of situations you are, in which you are hearing mouth breathing and snoring.If you're sleeping beside your partner who does these actions, would have a different response than if you overhear mouth breathing and snoring from a family member who is napping on the couch and you are walking past them on your way to take a snack in the kitchen.Basically, if the person who does these actions which bother you, start by telling them.Depending on whether they are empathetic to how distressed you are from their sounds, or not, willing to change, or not, has a good deal to do with next steps.I don't really see any step you're able to take to solve that you are sensitive to human sounds from the head.One path I don't recommend is expecting yourself to ignore the fact of being feeling bothered, or dismissing your own sensitivity someone.Your needs matter.

i need answers to my angry, possessiveness, and urges

I need answers to my anger, possessiveness, and urges. I am angry all the time. I push people away so much that I actually blow up on people now because they ask me how my day is or was. I have a possessiveness to someone who is not even mine. I have these urges to hurt someone really bad. I want to see them beg for me to stop hurting. I want to hear their agonizing pained-filled voices. What is wrong with me?

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-need-answers-to-my-angry-possessiveness-and-urges

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

What result are you hoping to get from the behaviors you describe?Maybe start by comparing the results you see yourself receiving from your current interactions, with how you would wish to feel from relating to others.Since you ask, "what is wrong with me?", there is a disconnect between what you are doing and what you'd like in return.This is true even with imagining doing harm to others.What are you really trying to accomplish for yourself by hurting others?Besides the unethicalness and criminality of this and legal consequences of arrest for such behaviors, what gain which is not evil, do you expect from overpowering and imagining you control another human being?

How can I control my anger?

I have a really bad temper. I get mad very easily then stay like that the whole day. I don't mean to be that way, but I can't help it.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-control-my-anger-3

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

A lot of times the anger someone expresses is from feeling a deep level hurt within themselves.   A surface situation, like, a store told you they'd have delivery of a certain item by Tuesday, and when that particular Tuesday comes, the store doesn't have what they told you they would, and you are furious.The fury may have more with many times before in your life, having been deeply let down by someone who mattered to your life at the time, who similarly promised something and failed to deliver whatever it.If at the time of feeling let down by someone important in your life, the relationship didn't allow for honest expression of all your emotions, you'd have learned to hold in what you realized would not be tolerated if you expressed it clearly.Without practice of being heard when feeling hurt by someone, eventually the person, possibly you, learned to contain and contain your emotions.It is possible that the anger you feel at a variety of situations lately, are muting hurt feelings that you've understood from relating to meaningful people in your personal history, to not talk about.As a way to find out if you feel other emotions in addition to anger, take some time to reflect on what triggered your anger and whether its possible that hurt emotions which nobody whom you know wants to hear,  are really the underlying source of your upset.I hope you will enjoy some new discoveries about yourself and your emotions!

How do I manage my anger?

I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-manage-my-anger

anger-management

Margaret Van AckerenMA, LMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda

First off, it is great that you recognize that some changes need to be made. It is also really good that you understand where the source of your anxiety and stress comes from. Fortunately there are many self help books and internet sources that provide free tools to help you cope with life's obstacles, including anger management. There are several strategies that you can try to help control your anger, but the ones that I would recomend first are the following:1. Try a different way of communicating with your parents. Since arguing with them is a great source of anger for you, learning more effective ways of communicating with them will likely be of great benefit. Choose a time to talk with them about "heated issues" when everyone is calm and emotions are not heightened. Use "I phrases" by telling them how the arguments effect you, as opposed to placing blame on them. Validate what you hear your parents say in order to allow them to know that you understand their point of view.2. When you feel yourself becoming angry, take a break. Simply excuse yourself from the situation, find a quiet place to be by yourself, and do some deep breathing. Close your eyes, slowly count to four as you inhale, and exhale even slower, counting to 6. Focus on nothing except for your breathing and do this for 5 minutes.3. Stop any negative thoughts in their tracks. Often times when we get upset, we catastrophize and do not see things clearly. When you catch yourself thinking negatively stop the thoughts and ask yourself if your thinking is logical and rational. If you cannot find much or any evidence that your thoughts are valid, then let them go and replace them with realistic, logical thoughts.4. Finally, find a friend or someone to talk to and/or keep a journal. Keeping your emotions to yourself will not help you. Being able to express your feelings and problem solve will allow for some relief when feeling sad or angry.I wish you all the best!

How do I manage my anger?

I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-manage-my-anger

anger-management

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

I'm sorry you have so many arguments with your parents.  Ideally parents are people who tolerate that their kids are people with their own unique characteristics.Everyone likes feeling loved by their parent.   Do you feel loved even though you and them have clashes?Anger is a symptom of a problem.The real question is knowing what feels like its being hurt inside of you.I agree with your idea of talking with a psychologist or some other type of licensed professional therapist.See if your area has a family service agency in it.  Generally the non-profit sectors offer sliding scale fees, and if you qualify, your cost per session would be financially comfortable for you.One possibility is to tell your parents that you'd like starting therapy because of feeling so much stress from the family arguing.They may very well be surprised to learn of your maturity in assessing your level of stress and be willing to make a positive contribution to this by offering to authorize therapy through their health insurance. They may even decide on family counseling so all of you work together to relate in more loving ways.Last, if you aren't ready to speak with your parents about wanting counseling, think about speaking to your school guidance counselor.  This person may have some recommendations for your specific geographic location.

Why am I constantly angry?

I don't know what's with me. I'm almost constantly angry. Even when I'm happy, I still feel anger inside me. When I acknowledge it, it ruins my mood and takes over. I get angry at the littlest things. Even if I think someone said something they didn't, it infuriates me. Something perfectly normal can make me go off. When my anger flares up, I get a terrible pain in my chest that lasts for a while. It's like there is a fire constantly burning in my body, and anger is gasoline.

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-constantly-angry

anger-management

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Nashville, I'm glad you want this to be different. It doesn't feel good to be angry all the time, and it's stealing your energy as well as affecting relationships, I'm sure.Working with a therapist, you can learn to recognise the deep emotions that lie underneath the anger. It's likely to be either powerlessness or worthlessness, and what happens is this... a small moment in the present touches on an old, tender, bruised emotion that we've simply felt too much of or too strongly in the past. We develop ways of avoiding these vulnerable emotions, and anger is one way of doing that. So, when someone looks at you in a certain way, or says something, you'd rather be angry than feel powerless, or unimportant (or whatever your kryptonite feeling is). In that moment, your instinct is to blame whatever happened, no matter how small, because that's the thing that happened just before you got mad. You fail to recognise that the problem is not the look on that person's face, or the shoe that someone left in front of the door...it's that you can't stand feeling something and you want to avoid it like you want to stamp your foot out if it's on fire.I suggest finding a therapist to work with. You can learn to take responsibility for your old emotions and find new ways to manage them. :)

How do I deal with anger problems towards my mom

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-anger-problems-towards-my-mom

anger-management

Ben BraaksmaMental Health Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma

Anger is a natural and healthy emotion, however, it can be difficult to deal with if it becomes overwhelming and depending on what we have been taught about it and how to express it. A competent therapist may be able to help you figure out ways to relate to your anger and your mother that will feel right to you.

How can I control my anger?

When I see something I don’t like, I go off like a ticking time bomb. I go from “0 to 100” really quickly.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-control-my-anger-2

anger-management

Margaret Van AckerenMA, LMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda

Sometimes we react to situations immediately, without thinking of the consequences of our actions. Typically by not reacting right away, we are better able to gather our thoughts, see the situation more clearly and from other perspectives, and respond more calmly. One of the strategies that almost always helps is deep breathing. When faced with a stressful situation, you can give yourself a time out by removing yourself from the stress and spend 5 minutes taking deep breaths (breathe in slowly counting to 4 and breathe out even slower counting to 6), while focusing and thinking only about your breathing. After doing so, think of the various ways you can respond to the situation and choose the one most appropriate. Good luck!

My husband and I can’t talk to each other without arguing

Every time I speak, he says I anger him. Also, when he’s mad at something, like work, he gets angry at me. I feel like we’re so distant from each other now. We used to laugh all the time, and I feel like he lets too much negativity in. What should I do? We've been married for two years but together for seven.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-and-i-can-t-talk-to-each-other-without-arguing

anger-management

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi, Newark. It sounds to me like your husband is going through something, and I think you understand that. You might feel very helpless, sad, and disrespected at the same time. He's changed. It's unfair for him to blame you for his emotions. His mood issues are about him, not you, and he's either not recognising that or not taking responsibility for it. Are you respecting yourself here by drawing appropriate boundaries? You can let him know when you feel disrespected, and what's not okay with you.He may be experiencing depression, which often shows up as irritability in men. It could be that he's not telling you something, or he's unaware of his emotional processes. You can try a "I'm really worried about you. You don't seem happy and I don't know how to help you. Some things are happening that aren't okay with me. Will you see a therapist?" approach. Perhaps you could go with him the first time?  It's about a combination of compassion, self-respect and seeking professional help, I believe. I wish you well.

Why do I get random spurts of anger over petty things?

I'm a teenager. I get random spurts of anger, like complete, pure rage. I figured it was hormones, but others notice it too. I get self-destructive. I used to cut but stopped. Now when I get mad, I bite my arms and fingers, pull my hair, scratch my face, or punch my thighs. Basically, I do things I can hide instead of breaking anything in my room and having to explain it to my mom. I don't live in a bad household. I have a great family, a great relationship with my boyfriend, and a good job. I have no idea what this is and I don't know how to control it. It's over any little thing. Tonight, it was because I couldn't get my earrings out. This happens maybe two to three times on a good week, and it's always over stupid, petty things.

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-get-random-spurts-of-anger-over-petty-things

anger-management

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi. I'm glad you wrote. In general, when a small thing bothers us (and this happens to all of us), it's because the small thing triggers an emotion in us that we have felt "too much" or "too intensely" in the past, and we don't know how to manage that emotion effectively...we just want to avoid it as quickly as possible. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with a qualified therapist can help you to understand what is being triggered in you and learn how to manage emotions productively. You say that your behaviours are self destructive, and I agree. It sounds like you have developed a habit of channelling your distress towards self-harm, and this is a separate and potentially more serious problem. This is a choice you make that points to shame being an issue for you. Again, a good therapist can help you learn what's behind your shame and self-harm. Your feelings are normal, and you can learn more healthy ways to deal with them with qualified help.

I'm being emotionally abused by my dad. I need advice on how to hold my temper with him

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-being-emotionally-abused-by-my-dad-i-need-advice-on-how-to-hold-my-temper-with-him

anger-management

Natalie Rosado, MA, LMHCI specialize in providing support to teens, young adults, and women.

https://counselchat.com/therapists/natalie-rosado-ma-lmhc

First, I'd like to say that I can't imagine what it must feel like to live in your shoes and have to be exposed to such treatment. Oftentimes, people don't recognize how serious this type of abuse can be. It's very important you first recognize that it is absolutely impossible for any of us to change a person. So the only thing you have control over is you - your response, your set boundaries, and your support system. It's very important that you set healthy boundaries, express these expectations to him, and consistently follow them. I cannot stress how important have a strong support system - a circle of caring people - who can help keep you accountable with your boundaries and who you can reach out to if you ever feel your safety is at risk. There is only so much I can explain via writing so let me know if you need any additional help. Feel free to contact me.  - Natalie

I have anger issues. I am extremely explosive about the simplest things

I easily recognize this but have no control over it and need suggestions for managing my anger.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-anger-issues-i-am-extremely-explosive-about-the-simplest-things

anger-management

Kristi King-Morgan, LMSWSocial Worker, Psychotherapist

https://counselchat.com/therapists/kristi-king-morgan-lmsw

I suggest that you work on emotional awareness. Emotional awareness basically means knowing what you are feeling and why.Emotional awareness also means that you can identify the link between the way you are feeling and your actions. In other words knowing that your feelings dictate what you do.Often feelings of hurt or insecurity can come out as anger if we cannot properly identify and express the feelings.Being emotionally aware also means that you are able to express your feelings to others. Being unable to do so leads to feelings of frustration and being misunderstood.Many people for many different reasons are not in touch with their emotions. For example, men traditionally have been brought up taught to not express sadness or weakness. Therefore, many men learned to turn feelings of sadness, insecurities, or fears into anger and express these feelings as anger. Being taught not to feel a certain emotion does not make that emotion disappear. Instead it makes us learn how to express it in other, incorrect, ways. If a man never learns to say “I am sad” or “that really hurt my feelings” and instead lashes out in anger, then the response they get from those around them will be to the anger and not a response to the underlying true feeling, which will leave the man feeling alone and misunderstood.You can control yourself and not explode. Walk away, remove yourself from the situation, do whatever you have to do to not lash out. Instead of reacting the way you normally would, go somewhere by yourself and think about what just happened and try to understand why such a “simple” thing upset you. What is the real feeling driving these outbursts? Maybe you can begin to recognize an underlying pattern. It might help to keep an anger journal. Write down everything that gets you upset. That might help you see a pattern and pinpoint what may be setting you off. Talking with a therapist about this would be beneficial in helping pinpoint the underlying cause of the outbursts you are experience.

How do I get rid of my nightmares?

I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-rid-of-my-nightmares

sleep-improvement

Audrey ONealBi-lingual Psychotherapist and HeartMath Certified Practitioner

https://counselchat.com/therapists/audrey-oneal-2

One of the ways to decrease nightmares is to document your dreams. In addition to keeping a dream journal, it's important to work with the content of the dream and revise the ending.It's important for you to work with a therapist that is trained in dream work.  The researcher  Montangero (2009) pointed out that in  using the cognitive approach to dream analysis, the therapist follows the basic tenets of cognitive behavioral therapy and that they help the individual to enhance their cognitive skills in order to be able to alleviate their psychological distress .For example, in the treatment of nightmares one of the methods that is used with the cognitive approach is imagery rehearsal therapy. The basic premise of the approach is that those who have recurring nightmares and are experiencing insomnia, later come to understand that The insomnia is brought on by anxiety. Unlike cognitive experiential dream theory, the approach does not integrate other theoretical orientations.. The approach to nightmares and the treatment of them, is aligned with cognitive experiential dream approaches as the individual has the opportunity to revise their dream if they have an unpleasant dream. Although the scary dreams  may not disappear altogether, they may lessen in frequency.

How do I get rid of my nightmares?

I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-rid-of-my-nightmares

sleep-improvement

Martin Hsia, Psy.D.OCD, Anxiety, and Insomnia Specialist

https://counselchat.com/therapists/martin-hsia-psy-d

There's a narrative approach that we call nightmare "rescripting" that may be helpful.Since we can't really control the nature of our dreams while they're happening, we try to alter them while we are in a waking state.  In a nutshell, this refers to first writing out in detail the events of a recurring nightmare you have. Typically, there is an element of fear, danger or helplessness.Second, we rescript the nightmare by changing what happens in the dream in a way that engenders feelings of empowerment, control, competence, and/or safety. In other words, if the nightmare involved being pursued or assaulted, we might change the events of the story so that you call the police, get to a place of safety, or even fight back and protect yourself.Third, you can reread this new version of the dream over and over again, so that it becomes a well rehearsed story. The effect of this can make it so that the next time your mind goes towards the nightmare while sleeping, this new, more hopeful and empowering story competes with the old one and reduces the level of distress associated with the dream. Best of luck!

How do I get rid of my nightmares?

I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-rid-of-my-nightmares

sleep-improvement

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Are you facing any type of overwhelming situation in your waking life?Dreams and nightmares are the non-logical ways in which we make emotional sense of what goes on in our everyday waking world.Besides having some type of relaxing bedtime routine to set a peaceful mood for your sleep, and avoiding viewing violent films and video games as entertainment, maybe even avoiding news stories which sometimes have similar themes of violence, the content of our dreams and nightmares is out of our direct control.Your nightmares may offer useful clues as to what you're trying to resolve in your life.  Pay attention to the story of your nightmare because it reflects how you feel in waking life.If you feel helpless and silenced in your nightmare, or taken advantage of, or whatever dreadful situation goes on during your nightmare, then look for where in waking life, you may feel similar.In this way, you'll become clearer about stressors in your life that you may not have realized existed were it not for the stress of nightmares.

Why do I get a weird feeling every few months or so?

I get an uncontrollable swallowing that is repetitive and then somewhat out of body feeling that lasts no more than a minute or two. It usually happens in bed at night, but I occasionally experience this during the day. I have a benign brain tumor, but the doctor said it is not associated with this.

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-get-a-weird-feeling-every-few-months-or-so

sleep-improvement

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

I'm not entirely sure whether this relates to something in the mental health realm or if there is something else happening. I know you said that your doctor said it is not related to your physical condition, but have you tried speaking with your primary care physician? I've seen people with many different symptoms that end up being related to acid reflux or something of that nature. As far as the out of body experience, there are different stages of sleep, so if this is happening in the middle of the night and you are waking up from a dream, you may not be fully awake when it's going on. These are just some thoughts, but I think talking to your primary care physician would be a great place to start.

Is it normal to blame myself for someone else's actions?

I'm a teenage girl, and my dad is an alcoholic. I hate being at home with him because he just stresses me out. He can be picking me up from basketball practice or piano lessons, and half of the time, I don't even know if he's sober or not. I refuse to get into the vehicle with him and walk home sometimes. I've either been barely sleeping or I over sleep, so I'm always tired. I live in a small town, so there's no one I can really talk to because I'm not really that close with my family.

https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-normal-to-blame-myself-for-someone-else-s-actions

sleep-improvement

Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting

https://counselchat.com/therapists/robin-landwehr-dbh-lpcc-ncc

Hello, and thank you for your question. You are clearly a resourceful young person to reach out like this to find help. Good for you. I have a few ideas and perhaps some other counselors will add some thoughts, too. First, good for you for taking care of yourself and making really good decisions – such as not getting into the car with dad when he is intoxicated. It is really important that you consider your safety above all else. To answer your heading question, yes, it is quite common for people to blame themselves for other people’s actions. There are various reasons why we do this. For one thing, someone may tell us that their behaviors are our fault. And depending on things like our relationship to that person, past experiences, and our self-esteem, we may actually start to believe it. What is important to remember is that your parents have the responsibility to be sure that you are safe and cared for, not the other way around. As for the other things you mentioned, I am concerned about both your physical and emotional safety and well-being. It sounds like your father has an alcohol abuse problem, and living with someone who is struggling with addiction can be hard for anyone, let alone a teenager who is also trying to deal with things like school. You may want to see if your school has a counselor or someone you can talk to about what is going on. I will tell you that in some states, what you have told me may be something that a counselor would have to report to child protection services, but not necessarily. If you are concerned about that, ask the counselor what they are obligated to report. If you don’t know a counselor, think about any other adult that you would feel comfortable talking to. They may have some ideas. Sometimes individual states have non-profit chat lines or hotlines for teens to call if they are struggling with things. You may be able to find something like that in your state. I do warn your about doing random searches, not every website is good, so be careful. This is clearly a tough spot for you to be in, so one of the things that I encourage you to do while searching for support is to focus on taking care of yourself. Sometimes things like this can really bring us down and we stop doing the things we enjoy. Try really hard not to let that happen. If you have interests, do them. If you catch yourself thinking too hard about things, try to find something fun to do to distract yourself. Try to take care of yourself in other ways, such as eating well. Exercise can really help when we get stressed. I hope some of this was helpful. Good luck.   Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

I’ve suffered from insomnia and nightmares for about 3 years

It takes me a long time to fall asleep; I’d estimate about two hours. I often have nightmares, starting with being eaten by a monster, and I often wake up frightened and unable to breathe. I believe I started losing sleep after breaking up with a girlfriend of 8 years. Also, my father’s business went bankrupt and my mother has a chronic condition. I was under a lot of stress, and life lost meaning. After improving my life and developing a habit of running and exercise to release stress, my symptoms improved. However in the past couple months, I started losing sleep again and having nightmares without warning. How can I solve this issue?

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-ve-suffered-from-insomnia-and-nightmares-for-about-3-years

sleep-improvement

Ben BraaksmaMental Health Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma

You’re noticing that as you lie down to go to sleep, there is quite a bit going on, which may be anxiety related. It sounds like the dreams and difficulty sleeping are reminiscent of previous experiences you had around the time of your break up, the difficulty with your father’s business, and your mother’s health issues. These connections to past events may be important insights to continue exploring in addition to finding out more about what your dreams may be trying to tell you. There is no exact science to dreams, but many people find it fruitful to explore the content as it relates to significant themes in their lives. I think that exploring these issues further with a therapist could help you resolve whatever is causing you the stress, trouble sleeping, and frightening dreams.

I’ve suffered from insomnia and nightmares for about 3 years

It takes me a long time to fall asleep; I’d estimate about two hours. I often have nightmares, starting with being eaten by a monster, and I often wake up frightened and unable to breathe. I believe I started losing sleep after breaking up with a girlfriend of 8 years. Also, my father’s business went bankrupt and my mother has a chronic condition. I was under a lot of stress, and life lost meaning. After improving my life and developing a habit of running and exercise to release stress, my symptoms improved. However in the past couple months, I started losing sleep again and having nightmares without warning. How can I solve this issue?

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-ve-suffered-from-insomnia-and-nightmares-for-about-3-years

sleep-improvement

Danielle AlvarezLicensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/danielle-alvarez

First of all, exercise is always beneficial for your physical and emotional health. That's great that you have added this in your routine. Have you also considered altering your diet? Certain foods are linked with poor sleep. For example, alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and high fat content foods do not bode well with quality sleep, especially right before bed time.  On the other hand, warm milk and foods high in carbohydrates have actually shown to positively impact sleep.Additionally, at bed time it's important to keep your room dim, cool and without distractions (i.e. TV, IPad, Phone). Stick to a sleep routine and avoid any activities close to bed time that demand a lot of attention and energy.As far as your nightmares, there could be many causes contributing to them. Certain foods (many of the ones mentioned) or medications could be the culprit. Doing a bit of research into the ones you are consuming may help you eliminate the offender. You may also benefit from talk therapy with a qualified therapist to discuss any underlying issues you are experiencing. Oftentimes, depression and anxiety can manifest themselves during sleep, causing nightmares. Finally, Yoga has shown to be very beneficial for quality sleep. There are many instructional videos available that can introduce you to the practice if you'd rather not join a class right away. Best of luck to you and I sincerely hope you are able to catch up on some well deserved Z's!

Why am I dreaming so much?

Sometimes 3 times a night.

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-dreaming-so-much

sleep-improvement

Mark Morris, LCSWTherapist and Author of Living Yes

https://counselchat.com/therapists/mark-morris-lcsw-new-orleans

Perhaps more dreaming means that you are making use of your mind to solve problems.  I find that change states, while sometimes difficult, are very exciting.  They give you opportunity to grow more rapidly.  So I say: "congratulations!"  ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)

Why am I dreaming so much?

Sometimes 3 times a night.

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-dreaming-so-much

sleep-improvement

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Dreams are our chance to make sense of our waking lives.If you've got a lot going on in your life then your dreams are your assistants in understanding these happenings and dynamics.

Why am I dreaming so much?

Sometimes 3 times a night.

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-dreaming-so-much

sleep-improvement

Reid StellReid Stell Counseling

https://counselchat.com/therapists/reid-stell

As a depth therapist (aka "psychodynamic practitioner"), I do a lot of dream work with clients; and they gain great insights from our explorations.We remember dreams, I believe, because dreams are messages (always in code) from the unconscious, communicating the crux of unresolved conflict between who we are and who we think we are supposed to be. You might be remembering so many dreams because your conscious mind is ready to hear these messages...and make some internal changes in response.Write them down! You'll be glad you did. A broad cross-section of these these messages will help your therapist help you interpret the meanings of these communications from you to you, and possibly chart your best path forward toward to resolve the cause of psychological symptoms you might be experiencing.

Why am I dreaming so much?

Sometimes 3 times a night.

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-dreaming-so-much

sleep-improvement

Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHCAttorney & Licensed Mental Health Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc

That's a difficult question to answer. Dreaming is a normal (and healthy) part of the sleep cycle. The current thought is that we all generally experience roughly the same number of dreams - the difference often is just whether we remember the dreams or not.An increase in the number or frequency of distressing dreams (or nightmares) can be a symptom of stress, anxiety, or PTSD.  If the dreams are disturbing to you, talking to a local counselor could help. If the dreams themselves are not troubling, you may just be remembering them more than most people do.

How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-tell-if-my-spouse-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

intimacy

Amy Higgs OTR/L, CLT, CAPSMobile Occupational Therapist: sensory bus for children with ASD, SPD, ADD/ADHD and trauma

https://counselchat.com/therapists/amy-higgs-otr-l-clt-caps

The answer lies in what the outcome will be. How will things end if you find out he had sex with a prostitute? Will you leave? Will you try to work things out? The multiple versions are concerning. He seems unable to be truthful and this is damaging your relationship. Before considering marital therapy, please find a counselor for yourself. The right therapist can help you uncover what is right for you.

How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-tell-if-my-spouse-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

intimacy

Briana ThomasFamily and Other Relationships

https://counselchat.com/therapists/briana-thomas

One question I have,  is how would this impact your relationship now if you were to know the answer? It sounds as though you may be experiencing issues with trust in your relationship. I believe the bigger issue here is not whether or he has had sex with someone else a few years ago, but more that you lack trust within your relationship. Are there other behaviors you’ve noticed that indicate untrustworthiness? It may be worth exploring sources of mistrust versus dwelling on a possible affair. Hope this helps.

How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-tell-if-my-spouse-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

intimacy

Amanda WatkinsSeeking employment with a non-profit agency

https://counselchat.com/therapists/amanda-watkins

I've been in this situation before and have some insight to share with you.  In my experience, he was lying and trying to cover it up. By pushing you to std testing, he's distracting you so he can shift the guilt he feels and blame it on you. In a guilty man's mind I believe he's thinking-...if I cheated...you must have as well....but you're much worse than I because it's okay for me to cheat...but not you...now you're a cheating dirty slut...just like that prostitute Men believe they're entitled to treat women and children like property. Often they use intimidation and violence to control us.  He'll never admit to cheating, he'll never apologize and he'll do it again and again. Truly they don't think it's a big deal, it's just their way of being social. They desperately want us to accept it, perhaps join in the act.

How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-tell-if-my-spouse-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

intimacy

Pamela SuraciBuild on your strengths, grow in your challenge areas and improve your life!

https://counselchat.com/therapists/pamela-suraci

It sounds like you've been living with this uncertainty for those couple years since this happened.  The reality is you won't ever "know" - mostly because of the various versions your husband has provided you.  Infidelity, though painful, does not have to kill a marriage.  Secrecy and dishonesty certainly will though.   I encourage you and your husband to seek therapy together with someone who specializes in couples work.  The longer you wait to do so, the more damage is done to whatever connection you have and the greater the distrust will become. Please get qualified help, for your and your husband's sake.

How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-tell-if-my-spouse-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

intimacy

Audrey ONealBi-lingual Psychotherapist and HeartMath Certified Practitioner

https://counselchat.com/therapists/audrey-oneal-3

The fact that he has several versions of the story, could indicate the presence of deception concerning the events that occurred.If he expressed that he may have had contact with a prostitute, there may be a likelihood he may have had sex, but you cannot be 100 percent certain. The suspicion alone would appear to be a source of distress for you. Having the STD screening will certainly be helpful in terms of your health since it appears that he may have been involved in an indiscretion that may also be interpreted as a breach of trust between you.

How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-tell-if-my-spouse-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

intimacy

Gayle WeillSpecializing in relationships and parenting - additional certifications in Child-parent psychotherapy, Circle of Security-Parenting program, adoption competency, hypnosis, and EMDR

https://counselchat.com/therapists/gayle-weill

I am so sorry you are going through this. The harsh reality is that you can’t possibly know. Being in a healthy relationship means that you have to trust that what your spouse tells you is true. If he tells you he was not with a prostitute and you don’t believe him than that means there is lack of trust in your relationship. If you are experiencing mistrust in your relationship and are worried about infidelity or STDs that is very serious and it sounds like you both could benefit from being in marital counseling together. Trust is so important in any relationship and if the trust isn’t there it’s important to build that trust so you can have a happy and healthy home together. If your spouse is unwilling to go for marital counseling with you, then go for individual counseling! There have been plenty of success stories when even just one of the spouses goes for therapy.

How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-tell-if-my-spouse-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

intimacy

Michele RameyMRTherapy, LLC- Because Help Is One Of A Kind

https://counselchat.com/therapists/michele-ramey

Most of us trust our guts, or go to someone who can help us to piece the puzzle together, like a therapist. In this case, is that what's important? The knowing that he had it or knowing he had it and how he allowed himself to get into a situation like that? If he did, how do you feel about it? I'm curious. It sounds like you are too. Talk to someone to explore this situation. Hope that helps!

How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-tell-if-my-spouse-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

intimacy

Eddie CapparucciUtilizing Inner Child Recovery Process to Treat Sex/Porn Addictions

https://counselchat.com/therapists/eddie-capparucci

How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-tell-if-my-spouse-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

intimacy

JOSH MARLAR

https://counselchat.com/therapists/josh-marlar

The short answer is: you may never know.  The only person that really knows is him.  Here are some things to consider.  If you're asking this question, it may be an indicator of the health of the relationship itself.  It wouldn't be a waste of your time to try some relationship counseling.  I don't know where you are in your mind on the relationship, but couples counseling is not only for couples on the brink of separation.  Yes, it can help avoid separation, but it can also help work out issues exactly like you are asking about.  Even a healthy relationship can be taken to the next level with some relational therapy every now and then.

How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-tell-if-my-spouse-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

intimacy

Amanda SamuelsCo-Parenting and Infidelity Couples Counseling

https://counselchat.com/therapists/amanda-samuels

That is great that he shared this information with you, that you were tested (and hopefully everything was okay), and that he continues to answer your questions about the event.  It sounds like you are still having some trouble with what happened, and that is okay, and normal/natural.  The question I want you to focus on is why you want to know if he had sex with a prostitute?  I want you to think about what this information would do for you, how you would use it, what-if anything would change in your relationship because of this information.  I also want to ask yourself if you feel like you trust your husband?  Has he done anything like this in the past or since he shared this information with you?  I don't have an answer for you and you may never know, because it sounds like he might not even know.  He did share this information with you, he did make sure to care for you and make sure you were tested for stds, and he does continue to try to answer your questions.  I'm sure he feels a lot of shame and guilt about this experience and understand that you are still feeling hurt and confused by his actions.  I think it is important to explore the event, how you are both feeling about it, and even discuss ways to feel safe when he travels again if that is something that is causing stress and anxiety.

How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-tell-if-my-spouse-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

intimacy

Shelly Kessingerwww.friendswoodmarriagecounseling.com

https://counselchat.com/therapists/shelly-kessinger

Unfortunately, you will never know the true answer. This is really frustrating to hear, but you will never 100% be able to guarantee that he has given you the truth. So if you can, work on accepting that, breathing through that,He may not fully remember, he may have lied to you in the past or he is lying now. He may have been honest then or he may be honest not. As for options, you can talk to him and provide a safe space for him to tell you what happened. This could be a private conversation with you or at a counseling session. He would need to feel safe to tell you the truth. But remember, there are no guarantees. You would need to make a decision to trust him or not. And go from there. A couples counselor can help guide that conversation, and make sure that he is feeling safe to share. More important than if he actually had sex or not, I would evaluate your relationship. Do you trust him now? Were there trust issues before? Does he hide things now? Identifying your current trust levels will be important for having a healthy relationship now. Hope this helps, even if it is frustrating to not have guarantees.

How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-tell-if-my-spouse-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

intimacy

Mirella Caro-CortesHelping Families & Marriages Repair, Recover & Thrive

https://counselchat.com/therapists/mirella-caro-cortes

Hello, The truth is that you will never know unless your husband decides to be upfront about the details to gain your trust.  One thing is for sure though, not knowing and having this uncertainty in your heart will push your husband and you further away from being able to repair the marriage.  The best thing you both can do is seek professional help to navigate this issue and start doing damage control.  It sounds as if you are committed to this marriage and I am sure your husband is too.  It will take some time and purpose, but you can recover from this if you both commit.  Don't wait and start working the steps to find peace of mind and a way to reconnect with the man you love.  Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling

How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-tell-if-my-spouse-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

The only two people who know the answer to your question are your husband and the prostitute.The question you did and can answer is the reason you would doubt your husband, which is bc of his multiple stories.Ideally your husband cares to restore your sense of confidence in the stories he tells you.If you state your doubts and your interest for the truth, ideally he will produce enough evidence of the truth so you will have facts and can make sense of them.   Hopefully the two of you will do this sense making together, especially if he did have sex w the prostititute.If he's unwilling to care about restoring your trust in him, then this is a different problem entirely.

I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous

My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-want-to-have-a-threesome-with-my-husband-and-another-girl-but-i-feel-really-nervous

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Because the acrobatics and excitement of sex has nothing to do with the meaning of deeper emotional attachment to another person with whom we are in a relationship.Try to distinguish between your feelings of excitement from the novel sexual arrangement and what you feel is necessary in order to feel emotionally close and attached to your husband.

I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous

My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-want-to-have-a-threesome-with-my-husband-and-another-girl-but-i-feel-really-nervous

intimacy

Keith HughesRelationships, Depression & Anxiety, Spiritual

https://counselchat.com/therapists/keith-hughes

Hello there.  As you have courageously explained your soulful dilemma. I can appreciate the complexity of this situation.  You have identified some key factors that may be contributing to your sense of feeling "empty".  One, is the ultimate goal here able to be acquired from this arrangement?  Are you trying to have your fulfillment with another woman while in the presence of your husband but not with him 'on her' as much or at all?  Are you trying to ask him to be more passive participant?  Perhaps be careful of not drinking too heavily... In the whole event, how do you want to feel intimate or connected ?  Were you craving all along, him to really be all over you along with her?  These are questions that arise; maybe not solutions.  Its always good to be very clear with oneself of what is the ultimate target here... And always measure the potential danger..  Peace - keith

I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous

My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-want-to-have-a-threesome-with-my-husband-and-another-girl-but-i-feel-really-nervous

intimacy

Tamara PowellAnything But Ordinary!

https://counselchat.com/therapists/tamara-powell

As someone who specializes in sexuality and polyamory, I can tell you that your experience is incredibly common. It can be helpful to keep in mind that alcohol lowers our inhibitions, and for first time threesomes or any new sexual behavior really, we humans tend to enjoy a little extra oomph to our courage levels. That being said, it also lowers our ability to make well thought-out decisions. This combined with the brain rewarding novelty (new lover, new experience with our partner etc.) and maybe even some over-zealousness and performance anxiety could likely explain why your husband was on her more than you. My encouragement to you is to try not to overthink it at this stage. Now, IF you two choose to bring her or someone else into the bedroom again and a similar thing keeps happening, I would definitely push the issue and see what's up from his perspective.The empty feeling could be any number of things including:Fear that "you're not enough for him"Fear that "she's better than you" in some wayFear that "if we keep doing this thing, he will need it and what happens if I no longer want it?"Opposite fear of "what if I now want her more than him" or "if I want the threesomes and he doesn't?"Fear of "does this mean our sex life isn't good enough as it is?"...."do we have to always add a little spice to keep it hot?"Or like Robin alluded to, preconceived notions about what culture, religion, family and friends etc. say about what marriage and sex "should" look like.  I also agree with her encouragement to explore the empty feeling further and see what nuances of other feelings are in there...jealousy? insecurity? shame? regret? longing?  When you can identify and name them, they are easier handled. Some of the resources I recommend poly/ sexually open couples are:“Love in Abundance: a Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships” by Kathy Labriola“The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships” by Kathy Labriola“Rewriting the Rules: an Integrative Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships” by Meg Barker“More Than Two: a Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory” by Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert“The Game Changer: a Memoir of Disruptive Love” by Franklin Veaux“The Ethical Slut: a Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Adventures” by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy“Opening Up: a Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” by Tristan Taormino“Open All the Way: Confessions From my Open Marriage” by Sadie Smythe“Henry and June: From ‘A Journal of Love’ – The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin (1931-1932)“Personally, I find your cravings to be healthy and quite normal. The key is to make them work well for you and your partner(s). Robin's also right about communication being key. Some of the suggested resources above can help get those conversations started. And if you need further assistance, absolutely I would find a sex-positive, poly-positive counselor to chat with.Best of luck to you!Tamara Powell, LMHC

I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous

My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-want-to-have-a-threesome-with-my-husband-and-another-girl-but-i-feel-really-nervous

intimacy

Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting

https://counselchat.com/therapists/robin-landwehr-dbh-lpcc-ncc

Hello, and thank you for your question. Nervousness, when doing something new, especially something sexual that can feel so personal, is very common. Indeed, despite the fact that nervousness can be uncomfortable, it is also part of the excitement of trying something new. Many people who engage in open, polyamorous, and/or other-type relationships, will tell you that difficult feelings, such as jealousy and anger, do show up sometimes. This doesn't prove that there is something wrong with the relationship, it just shows that you retain normal human emotions while in one. And many people who are in polyamorous relationships have written about the work it sometimes takes to make such relationships work. Of course, all relationships take work, so polyamorous and other types of relationships are simply not an exception. There could be several reasons why you are feeling the way you do. One reason could be that you are simply not as comfortable with the idea as you think you are. Some time and good communication with your husband may help you with this. Another reason this may be bothering you is because, on some level, you are aware of the messages society gives us about marriages. They are supposed to be monogamous, heterosexual, etc. etc. Just because you may not agree with these beliefs doesn't mean that you haven't been influenced by them. We all have. Another reason this may be upsetting you is because it may feel a little frightening. Perhaps there are a lot of "What ifs" going on in your mind. When you get the "empty" feeling, it may be helpful to try to really nail down the emotions that are attached to that feeling. One thing that I do think is very important is that you communicate these feelings to your husband. It may even be a good idea to talk about expectations or "ground rules", if you will. It is important that you are both on the same page about what this is, and why you are doing it. If you continue to struggle, I suggest finding a counselor who has experience in sex and sexuality.  I wish you well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC

I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous

My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-want-to-have-a-threesome-with-my-husband-and-another-girl-but-i-feel-really-nervous

intimacy

Kristi King-Morgan, LMSWSocial Worker, Psychotherapist

https://counselchat.com/therapists/kristi-king-morgan-lmsw

You need to have an honest conversation with each other about WHY you both want a threesome. Evaluate the status of your relationship with each other. Are you having issues? Fighting? Not feeling satisfied with each other? How has your sex life been with each other?  If there are any problems, insecurities, issues, introducing something like this may only make your relationship worse. Open relationships and threesomes rarely work out well. Sure, there are some who successfully live this lifestyle, but it only works when both people are completely secure in their relationship with each other, harbor no jealousies or insecurities, and aren't looking to someone else to satisfy needs that aren't getting met by their spouse. Let me say that again: This is not likely to work out well for you if either of you are insecure, jealous, or looking to have needs met by this other person that you aren't getting from your spouse. That empty feeling you're having - listen to it. Dig deep to find out where it is coming from. What thoughts are going through your head when you feel that way? You'll get the answer.The other thing that helps make something like this work is for both of you to listen and respect each other. If you don't like it that he paid more attention to the other girl, he needs to know that, and he needs to respect that.  If you're going to do it again, he needs to know what you're comfortable with and what you want. Set the limits before you're in the moment, before it's too late to take an action back. Turn it around and ask him what he would be comfortable with if it were a man instead of a woman.It is perfectly natural to be curious and want to experiment. A lot of people get that out of the way before settling down in a monogamous relationship. People who marry young and/or inexperienced may still feel that curiosity about things like that and want to experience them, but don't want to hurt their spouse. The REASON you are both doing this matters a lot. If there are problems in your relationship, this is likely to only make things worse.

My husband was lying about drinking again

My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year’s resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-was-lying-about-drinking-again

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Los Angeles,So your husband is giving you mixed messages. He says he's willing to cut back on the drinking, but he drinks and hides it. His behaviour is passive aggressive and immature, which puts you into this position of having to act like a disapproving parent. It sounds more like you're talking about an out-of-control teenager than your partner. Your husband's lying is sending a message. "I get to make my own decisions and you can't stop me" might be it. Underneath that, maybe it's "I want to stop but I'm ashamed that I can't and I don't want you to see my failures". Ultimately, as an adult, he gets to decide what he puts in his mouth and if you try to manage that by monitoring how many beers he has, you are pretty certain to get some fallout... pushback...backlash...  How does his drinking affect you? That's where your voice has power, rather than in counting his beers or setting him up to lie (when he's passed out, asking if he's been drinking seems confusing). You've mentioned snoring, which I guess is a legitimate complaint. If he's passing out, that's a legitimate complaint. When he drinks does he drive, act aggressively, or 'check out of' the relationship (avoid you)? All of these things are legitimate concerns, and I'd stick to talking about those rather than counting beers. My guess is he has few other ways to cope with stress, so he checks out with alcohol, and it also helps him avoid your relationship. But the problem is it makes it worse; the more he avoids you, then more you chase him with your questions.There's a conversation that would be helpful here.  It sounds like "I've tried to support you in your drinking less, and it's not working. What are your goals for alcohol and how can I support you in that more effectively?" I'd like to see you in a place where you're not micromanaging his drinking, but focusing on the things that affect you. What concrete supportive methods can you use with his agreement? Can we get the alcohol out of the house? Is he willing to seek treatment? Lay your expectations out really clearly. "I won't count your beers, but I can't tolerate lying". You have to decide what's more important; is it really the number of beers, or is it something else. What do you need to happen in order to want to remain in the marriage? What does he need? Does he let you know what isn't okay with him? He might have trouble saying these things. The drinking is only a part of the complex dynamic in your marriage. A qualified therapist can assist in pulling this apart, understanding it, and changing the way you relate to each other.

My husband was lying about drinking again

My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year’s resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-was-lying-about-drinking-again

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

As exasperated as you feel, and as obvious it is to you that your husband cares more about drinking than being honest with you, changing this is up to him.Does he care that you're upset with him for drinking more than he can handle?Does he care about you more than drinking?Living with an alcoholic, which is how his behavior sounds, is lonely and frustrating.Concentrate on what you like about him as he is now with his drinking.Your happiness matters.  His ignoring of what you're talking about, doesn't mean your requests are unreasonable.Be prepared to learn to live with and accept how he behaves, or not.Avoid the expectation that you can convince him to change.People change only when they realize their life can improve by changing.  He doesn't sound like this, at least now.

My husband was lying about drinking again

My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year’s resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-was-lying-about-drinking-again

intimacy

2nd Chance Counseling Service Online Addiction Therapy ProviderConvenient Online Addiction Therapy

https://counselchat.com/therapists/2nd-chance-counseling-service-online-addiction-therapy-provider

It can be very frustrating being lied to.  The one thing that struck me was the sentence he had a alcohol addiction "in the past."  Addiction is not something that comes and goes.  Once you have addict tendencies they are here to stay.  You may be able to fight them off for awhile but the will enviably rear their ugly head again.  Some of the things that we would suggest is taking the access away.  If the alcohol is not conveniently in the house he would have to go seek it out elsewhere.  You can think about it in other terms.  If chocolate cake was your favorite food and you were a diabetic, you would not have chocolate cake lying around all the time because you know you would eventually eat it.  Remember there are no temporary addicts.

Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend?

I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?

https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-wrong-for-me-to-be-attracted-to-my-girlfriend

intimacy

Dr Traci KochendorferTime for you to " Claim IT" with over 15 years in health and wellness, Ph.D Psy.D D.D. F.P.L.C. recognized on TV and Magazines,

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Wait what?  Normal teenage experiences.   A pedophile is someone that is attracted to children meaning under your age category.   This is regarding mostly adults that are over age of 18.   You are only one year apart.  Try and focus on friendship and work on keeping yourself busy in activities so that you are not having these type of thoughts.  Direct this energy into a more productive activity like sports, reading, biking, exercising or something other than negative thought patterns.  Don't attract what isn't supposed to be part of your life.  good luck.

Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend?

I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?

https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-wrong-for-me-to-be-attracted-to-my-girlfriend

intimacy

Frank WalkerI help couples manage the bumpy road called marriage. Whether your marriage needs a tune up, a major overhaul or just a flat tire changed. I can help.

https://counselchat.com/therapists/frank-walker

You are not a pedophile. You are both under 18 and your age is appropriate for a relationship. There would be a possible problem if she was 10 or younger. Pedophelia, is a whole other problem that you probably should not be worried about. I would be happy to talk with you in more detail about this.