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What can I do about my boyfriend being so close with another girl?

My boyfriend has this close female friend. It always bothered me because of how close they are, so I decided to meet her. That made the situation worse because they were even closer than what I thought. They acted like a couple rather than friends with each other. There was no physical interaction, but he talks to this girl a lot. What can I do? Leaving him isn't an option.

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-can-i-do-about-my-boyfriend-being-so-close-with-another-girl

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Well, as hurtful as witnessing your boyfriend's closeness with his female friend, I"m glad you saw firsthand the dynamic of your concern.There isn't anything you can directly do to stop his relationship with this lady.It is possible to influence his side of their relationship.Directly telling him your discomfort with how close the two are, may make him pause before engaging with her in a discussion.  This is nothing to count on since the control is in his hands and not yours.I'm sorry to read that the option to leave this relationship is out of the question.The only way left is to get used to the fact that you don't like this aspect of your boyfriend, and this is a disheartening outlook overall to you and to your relationship overall.If after repeated effort to influence him by your opinions, your effort to adjust to a situation you don't like, if at all possible, consider a longterm plan to discontinue this relationship because by that time it may feel very oppressive in your life.

What can I do when my boyfriend says he's not ready for marriage?

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-can-i-do-when-my-boyfriend-says-he-s-not-ready-for-marriage

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

If you are ready for marriage and he isn't, then ask him his reasons and what his terms would be for making the decision to marry.This way you'll know if he ever would like to be married and if the terms he states are similar enough to yours that this relationship is worth continuing.Also, marriage means living one life together, so it is good practice for the two of you to have discussions on the deeper and more intimate concerns of your lives.

What can I do when my boyfriend says he's not ready for marriage?

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-can-i-do-when-my-boyfriend-says-he-s-not-ready-for-marriage

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

I don't know if you have any details regarding what makes him say he is not ready for marriage.It may also be helpful to look at what is making marriage so important to you right now.Maybe this is something around which you could have a conversation where you each listen to each other for about five minutes and try to ask questions about what the other person is experiencing to gain more clarity about what is happening. This particular type of conversation wouldn't be about reaching a certain solution, but just understanding more about yourselves and each other. I also recommend prefacing that conversation with asking if the person is open to having a discussion that is important at that time.If this proves to be a difficult discussion, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples. Even if only one of you goes to see a counselor, you may have some clarification.In the meantime, try to look at what you have that makes you feel valued, special, and loved. Perhaps you can look at the things that make your boyfriend feel that way as well.

I'm soon to be married, and I've been messing around with others

I’m a man, and I’m soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it’s been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-soon-to-be-married-and-i-ve-been-messing-around-with-others

intimacy

Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting

https://counselchat.com/therapists/robin-landwehr-dbh-lpcc-ncc

Hello, and thank you for your question. When faced with these kinds of difficult challenges, I usually encourage people to look to their values for help in determining what their behavior should be. Indeed, it is usually when our behaviors conflict with our values that we don't feel very content with our lives. Perhaps you can take some time to think through a couple of these questions: What kind of person do I want to be deep in my heart? What kind of character do I want to have when in public and in my private world when nobody is watching? How would I want others to describe me? Let's say that you want others to see you as being authentic, and YOU also value authenticity as something you want to live by. You may feel like this value is currently at odds with the behaviors you are engaging in right now. That you are not being the person that you really are deep in your heart. This is not an unusual struggle when it comes to sexual behavior and sexual orientation. So please, try not to feel alone. We all know quite well how unacceptable it may be to be seen as gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. And I am not just talking about being unaccepted by others, but a person may have a VERY hard time accepting themselves. Thinking about your values and living a life based on them can bring a lot of freedom, but I won't lie, it can also bring a lot of pain at the same time. For example, someone with the value of living authentically may decide they have to tell others who they are and what they stand for, even if that means people may disapprove. That may cause a lot of pain, but it may also come with a sense of freedom to live a life based on honesty and authenticity. It may be helpful to find a counselor who is trained in affirmative therapy, which is recommended for people who are navigating their sexual behaviors and figuring out what is right for them. I would also sit down and think through some of the questions above and consider what your values are... both as an individual and as someone's fiancé.Above all, I wish you well in this journey. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

I'm soon to be married, and I've been messing around with others

I’m a man, and I’m soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it’s been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-soon-to-be-married-and-i-ve-been-messing-around-with-others

intimacy

Frank TheusMA, LPC, NCC, CSAT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/frank-theus

It took a lot of courage to share what must be so shameful to you and to ask for help. Regardless of your sexual attraction/orientation, I'd encourage you to get honest with yourself and your partner/fiancee and put a temporary hold on your wedding plans -- getting married will NOT resolve your acting out. It seems to me you need more space, time to sort through with an experienced therapist more of your sex/sexuality story-line and apparent anxiety surrounding the upcoming nuptials. In the immediate I encourage you to also take the initiative to have yourself tested for STDs, etc. and if you've been sexually intimate with your partner/fiancee s/he needs to be similarly tested. Best wishes.Resources for Your Consideration: 1) The book "Not Gay: Sex between Straight White Men" by Jane Ward, 2) http://www.sca-recovery.org/, 3) https://slaafws.org/

I'm soon to be married, and I've been messing around with others

I’m a man, and I’m soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it’s been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-soon-to-be-married-and-i-ve-been-messing-around-with-others

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Good for you to bring up this situation for addressing, especially  before you and your partner are married and have all the legal responsibilities of married life.You gave yourself the biggest clue as to where to start solving this problem.Since you don't know what to do, then for right now postpone your wedding date.Whether your drive toward other men relates to feeling sexually unfulfilled with your fiancé, or you're not as willing to commit to your fiancé as you imagined yourself to be, or there are other relationship problems not being addressed with your fiancé, these need to be identified and understood.Since marriage is a commitment of one's life to another person's life, then without the willingness to commit you are almost guaranteeing future problems in the upcoming marriage.

I'm soon to be married, and I've been messing around with others

I’m a man, and I’m soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it’s been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-soon-to-be-married-and-i-ve-been-messing-around-with-others

intimacy

Lorrie GuerraTransforming emotional pain in adults

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lorrie-guerra

I would start by examining the reasons for seeking out other relationships. Are you getting something from the other men that you do not currently receive from your current partner? Such as, is it more exciting with others and that excitement is lacking in your current relationship?

I'm soon to be married, and I've been messing around with others

I’m a man, and I’m soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it’s been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-soon-to-be-married-and-i-ve-been-messing-around-with-others

intimacy

Karen ThackerRelationship Specialist

https://counselchat.com/therapists/karen-thacker-2

Divorce is expensive emotionally and financially. If your fiance is not ok with an open marriage, it would be a good idea to seek the help of a counselor before you get married.

I'm soon to be married, and I've been messing around with others

I’m a man, and I’m soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it’s been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-soon-to-be-married-and-i-ve-been-messing-around-with-others

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

If you are happy with the person that you are about to be married to and are also enjoying time with other men, it could be possible that you are attracted to people of more than one gender.Having said that, some people have feelings toward people of more than one gender that are not really related to romance or attraction, but any number of other feelings, such as trust and communication. I don't know whether your use of the phrase "messing around" was related specifically to being romantically or sexually involved with the people who you are or referring to or if you are saying that you are enjoying spending time with them. These terms have different definitions for almost everyone.I would definitely recommend speaking with a local mental health practitioner in your area, not because there is anything wrong about the way you are feeling, but because there are a lot of different parts of what is happening in your life right now and it may be helpful to talk about the feelings and thoughts with someone who can help you to learn more about yourself and the people are most important in your life (yourself included).I also suggest looking at a few things that you love and appreciate about yourself.

My friend had lied about every aspect of her life—what do I do?

She has lied about every aspect of her life. She's created three fake relationships. The most recent one is concerning because she has fake photos, phone calls, and text messages, and it’s with a married man with kids. Her lying is becoming dangerous because she could ruin lives.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-friend-had-lied-about-every-aspect-of-her-life-what-do-i-do

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Is being friends with this person safe for you?Liars don't generally distinguish who they bring down with them or in service to themselves.Step one is to understand a true friendship, which is based on trust, is probably not possible with this person.If you'd like to offer words of advice to protect her from herself then try gently pointing out that some of her actions which you know about, may come around to harm her.There is only a small chance she will be open to hearing you.People who lie are also very fearful of trusting others, including themselves.  She may prefer to keep status quo than open her own emotional pain to understand what created the need to lie in the first place.

My friend had lied about every aspect of her life—what do I do?

She has lied about every aspect of her life. She's created three fake relationships. The most recent one is concerning because she has fake photos, phone calls, and text messages, and it’s with a married man with kids. Her lying is becoming dangerous because she could ruin lives.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-friend-had-lied-about-every-aspect-of-her-life-what-do-i-do

intimacy

Sobha VakhariyaOakland County Psychotherapist

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sobha-vakhariya

Have an honest and open conversation with her about how her behavior is negatively impacting you ( and others).  You will feel good knowing you did the right thing.

My friend had lied about every aspect of her life—what do I do?

She has lied about every aspect of her life. She's created three fake relationships. The most recent one is concerning because she has fake photos, phone calls, and text messages, and it’s with a married man with kids. Her lying is becoming dangerous because she could ruin lives.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-friend-had-lied-about-every-aspect-of-her-life-what-do-i-do

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

To be honest, I think more information would be really important here because what you are asking could have a lot of different meanings. Consider making an appointment with a local therapist to discuss what you are going through.

My boyfriend wants nothing to do with me after his dad's suicide

My boyfriend lost his dad to suicide. He says that because his dad died, so did his heart. He says that he can't be there for me or love me anymore and wants nothing to do with me ever again. Why is he doing this when we were very happy together? He says that I have done nothing wrong but he just can't be with me.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-wants-nothing-to-do-with-me-after-his-dad-s-suicide

intimacy

Linda MullinKicking anxiety and depression to the curb!

https://counselchat.com/therapists/linda-mullin

I am sorry to learn of this.  You must be extremely frustrated and heartbroken.  To begin, he is correct.  You have done nothing wrong.  This is entirely a coping mechanism in overdrive.  It is fear.  It is anger.  It is extreme sadness.  It is feelings of abandonment.  It is intense emotional pain.  It is his way of protecting himself from potential unexpected additional loss.I am not familiar with how old this post is, but often, it will require time and understanding.  If he speaks with you, encourage him to get grief counseling.  Do not encourage it for your relationship, encourage it for his betterment coping with losing his dad.  Start there.  Good Luck.

How do I open up to someone?

Ever since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I can't seem to get close to anyone else. I know I'm completely over him, but I just can't break down my walls and let someone new into my life.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-open-up-to-someone

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Bend, You're scared, right? That makes sense. Each time we have a break-up we are a bit more in touch with how much is at stake in this whole love and relationship business. We are falling in love and letting someone close to our hearts and there's a vulnerability in that; we can get hurt. Who you partner with long-term is a big decision and it determines 90% of our happiness in life. The good news is that when we're just starting to get to know someone, we can take it slow. I think maybe you are slowing yourself down instinctively here, and that's okay. We are naturally people of attachment and it won't likely last if you are normally an open and accessible person who doesn't put up walls. So part of what I want to say here is don't pressure yourself too much. Take the time to heal naturally and listen to your instinct that is telling you to take things slow. :)As well, there are a few things you can do to make sure that the walls do eventually come down, or will come down for the right person. First, think about the lessons you learned from this past relationship. What do you feel proud of? What do you need in a partner? What mistakes did you make? Use this experience to grow in your awareness of how you work in a relationship and what you need from a partner.Look at your thoughts. Are you having generalized negative thoughts like "No one will ever love me again?", or "I'm going to get hurt again", or "I can't trust myself"? If so, write down what these thoughts are, and then ask yourself what evidence supports these thoughts. Fear tries to convince us that there is either something wrong with us or that something bad will happen, but it does so with little or no evidence of this ever happening!! It sells us a line based on no concrete evidence. Then ask yourself what evidence supports the opposite thought. What is the evidence that I am lovable... that there are safe, good people out there... that I can trust myself? Eliminate the negative thoughts, and add the positive ones. It's simple but very powerful.Lastly, take concrete and careful steps to act as though there are no walls. What is the evidence of the walls? Can you take purposeful baby steps in the direction of lowering those walls? When we act as though something is true, we start to feel it and believe it more.I hope you will find yourself back on track eventually, with time. :)

How do I handle getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend?

When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-handle-getting-the-silent-treatment-from-my-boyfriend

intimacy

David AlpertEnlightened Care

https://counselchat.com/therapists/david-alpert

You are in an abusive relationship-not because of your boyfriend's silences but because he is comfortable being sarcastic and hurtful, never admits he is wrong and never apologizes. It is your choice to participate in an abusive relationship. You can not stop an abusive partner from being abusive no matter how wonderfully you treat your partner. You can either accept the terrible relationship as it is or reach out for the support that you need to leave the abusive relationship. I wish you well, always.

How do I handle getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend?

When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-handle-getting-the-silent-treatment-from-my-boyfriend

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

This has to be very difficult to endure.It's pretty common for members of a couple to have different ways of resolving conflict. Very often, one person wants to deal with the conflict right away or shortly thereafter and the other person wants to wait. One thing that sometimes works is to consider having a conversation when you are not upset with one another about taking some sort of timeout and setting a timeframe for something like "I cannot talk about this now, but we can talk about it in two hours."My best guess is that your boyfriend is triggered by some previous relationship, either romantic or in childhood. If he is aware of something that he thinks or feels when you ask him to resolve conflict or to discuss it, it would be good to know what that is. It could even be that he's learned to handle conflict that way.Something else you could try is to have a conversation where you each discuss what is acceptable for what is acceptable for each of you during an argument and what is not. These sorts of discussions can be very difficult and you may benefit from working through them with a mental health professional who has some experience working with couples.As far as what you can do now, perhaps you can remind yourself that these things have worked out before, that you love him and believe that he loves you, or some other statements that are true for you. You may also consider finding ways to soothe yourself. For example, you may find that you like certain outdoor activities or reading a certain type of book or something else that gives you pleasure.

How do I handle getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend?

When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-handle-getting-the-silent-treatment-from-my-boyfriend

intimacy

David KleinHumanistic, LGBT-Affirmative Psychotherapy for Individuals & Couples

https://counselchat.com/therapists/david-klein

As you say, if he does reply it is hurtful. But, if he doesn't reply, it sounds like it's just as hurtful (though more in my opinion in terms of the longer-range effects on the relationship). The behavior he is exhibiting would easily pass for "passive-aggression," as it is manipulative and controlling through passive withdrawal behaviors. And I can assure you that you are not alone in struggling with how to deal with it. So many do, and that's why it gets done so often, because it can. For example, if you push for connection, he stonewalls even more. You probably become more distressed.Frankly, if you and your boyfriend were sitting on my couch in therapy, I'd likely say that the behavior needs to stop in order for the relationship to continue, because of how severe it sounds (an hour of withdrawal because someone can't deal is reasonable, as everyone can shut down from time to time, but this feels extreme and is extremely hurtful to you.) I might even say to him that the behavior needs to stop if he ever wants to be in a healthy, loving, connected relationship. Because the amount that you describe him disconnecting severely hurts trust and security. One of the first "change events" in Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy is for the person doing the withdrawing to be able to use words and communication to help the partner understand what they are experiencing, so the burden does fall more on him at the beginning. It becomes the partner's job to tolerate though whatever his experience is.There is no one "tried and true" solution to working with passive-aggression, but I would most advise limit-setting (like I would do in our session). In one way, shape, or form, in order for the behavior to stop, there has to be consequences to it. The more you tolerate it and allow him to come back to you when he's done with his silent tantrum, the more you encourage the behavior because he is getting what he wants.

How do I handle getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend?

When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-handle-getting-the-silent-treatment-from-my-boyfriend

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Try during a good moment between you to tell him you'd like to talk over something about your relationship and that you'd like to set a time with him to do so.When a person shuts down and withdraws, the only choice is to withdraw yourself.   If this continues on a regular basis, after a while the two of you will become increasingly distant and have developed the very unhappy habit of not clearing the air between the two of you.Good for you to recognize a problem and be willing to address it!

How do I handle getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend?

When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-handle-getting-the-silent-treatment-from-my-boyfriend

intimacy

Candice Conroy, LMHCFind relief from anxiety, depression, and trauma.

https://counselchat.com/therapists/candice-conroy-lmhc

This sounds very hurtful for you to be on the receiving end of this. You can ask yourself " what am I learning from the way I am being treated? "  and consider whether or not this is in fact either (1)  A message or value that you agree with and believe will strengthen your relationship and help you to grow as a person or (2)  A message or value that is damaging to the relationship or  to your view of your self and others.  Once you've considered that and come to your own conclusion, you will likely know what you need to do.  If you're still stuck, you may want to consider seeing an individual therapist for yourself  to process your feelings about the relationship or a couples therapist with your partner to work on improving your communication with each other.

My husband cheated before marriage—what can I do?

My husband cheated while I was pregnant with our son with a so-called friend. This was before we were married. We split and eventually worked things out. I thought I trusted him so we got married. Now he flirts with girls in front of me. I've talked to him, but nothing helps.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-cheated-before-marriage-what-can-i-do

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

This sounds very painful for you.Are you able to tell him how his flirting affects you?Maybe he doesn't care enough to change, and maybe he does.Long term if he continues this then usually people feel they have two choices, put up with it, which of course greatly reduces the sense of satisfaction in the relationship.   Or, of course, you can decide to end the relationship.  This choice is quite significant now that you have a child together.  Give yourself plenty of time to think over the best outcome.

Should I let the father of my kids go?

The father of my kids and I have been broken up for about three years now. We always found our way back to each other. He had a baby with someone else he's with but still shows the same love he showed when we was together when he's around. He even gets jealous, but he ignores my calls.

https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-let-the-father-of-my-kids-go

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Your story sounds like it gives you a great deal of tension and disappointment.You know you are not getting the amount of love and kind of relationship you'd like.It is almost as though you feel that "something is better than nothing".Reflect within yourself whether the balance of what you receive in this relationship is worth the sacrifice of not getting as much love as you wish.Depending on your decision you will know whether to drop this relationship or continue the same as its been.

Should I stay with my manipulative husband?

Every day for five years, my husband mentally abused me and said he will change. I have a child with him. I try so hard to stay strong for her, but at this point, I am completely broken. I am holding on to nothing but hope and have been for years. Is there any hope or am I wasting my time?

https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-stay-with-my-manipulative-husband

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

I think your own awareness will not allow you to continue in a bad relationship.Be glad something within you is telling you that there are better ways to be treated than how your husband does.For support and guidance in real time, look up the organizations in your area which help women to leave abusive relationships.You are not the first or only one and probably not the last woman who wants to leave an abusive partner.  Having guidance particular to you and your situation will help you move through what decisions to make as to how to leave this man.

My boyfriend doesn't compromise with me

My boyfriend and I have been disagreeing on a lot lately. It's really coming down to the fact that we want opposite things sometimes. I do a lot for him: I take care and protect him, and in the end, he still doesn't trust me. We've both come to the conclusion that when I want something and he doesn't want it, he's not willing to find a happy medium whatsoever. It's just non-negotiable. I'm not sure what to do honestly. He doesn't trust me as much as I wish he did. Honestly, sometimes I feel like his enemy, and it kills me.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-doesn-t-compromise-with-me

intimacy

Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC-S, NCCBilingual Licensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/vivian-d-echevarria-guzman-msc-lpc-s-ncc

There’s a difference between what you want, what you need and what you have. Being able to assertively identify express your wants and needs to your boyfriend may be helpful in times of negotiation. Often couples focus on recounting all the negative traits and issues when is time to negotiate and that impairs the ability to explore and find solutions objectively.You could use couples mediation to learn assertive communication skills and filter the information needed to resolve or negotiate a solution. Mi novio no transa conmigoÚltimamente, mi novio y yo hemos tenido muchos desacuerdos. Todo se debe al hecho de que queremos cosas diferentes.  Yo hago mucho por él, lo cuido y protejo, y al final, el no confía en mí.  Ambos hemos llegado a la conclusión que cuando yo quiero algo que él no quiere, él no está dispuesto a encontrar el punto medio.  No es negociable.  No estoy segura de que hacer. El no confía en mi tanto como quisiera que lo hiciera, a veces siento su enemiga y eso me mata. Hay una gran diferencia entre lo que quieres, lo que necesitas y lo que tienes.  Poder identificar y expresar asertivamente lo que quieres y necesitas en tu relación te ayudara en los momentos de negociación.   Muchas veces las parejas se enfocan en recontar todos los problemas y características negativas a la hora de negociar, y eso les impide hablar claramente del problema presente e identificar soluciones específicas.Pueden usar la mediación de parejas para aprender técnicas de comunicación asertiva y tener asistencia filtrando e identificando la información que les ayudara a resolved o negociar una solución al problema.

How can I open up to the ones I love?

I have been pushing people away all my life. I finally have a great boyfriend who loves me, but I keep pushing him away and I don't want to. I need to learn to open up.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-open-up-to-the-ones-i-love

intimacy

Dr. John Frampton

https://counselchat.com/therapists/dr-john-frampton

Figuring out the space we need between ourselves and others is an ongoing and unsolvable task.  But it sounds like you may be feeling stuck in a pattern of pushing people away and are wanting to change that.  Pushing others away may be your way of surviving relationships and may have proven to be very helpful at one point in your life.  Or it may be serving some other purpose.  One helpful way to consider changing that is to seek out a therapist.  Psychotherapy can provide you with a relationship that is in tune to you and that can provide the reflection and supportive challenges to help determine the function the 'pushing away' is serving.  It also may be helpful for you to take time to reflect on the moments when interpersonal guardedness snuck its way into the interaction.  What were you feeling right before this?  Did it provide relief?  Reflecting on what was happening just before and right after can provide some clues as to what purpose the 'pushing away' serves.It may be helpful to communicate to the boyfriend how you experience intimacy and the discomfort it can bring you at times.  This may help him be as sensitive as you need him to be about the pace of the relationship, and to understand what may be happening when you push him away.

My boyfriend's family expects him to take them on dates, and he doesn't think anything's wrong

I have been dating my boyfriend for eight years. We met in college off away from home and things went from good to bad when I met his family who treats him like he is their man. They expect him to take them on dates like to the movies and out to eat when they come around, and he thinks it's okay.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-s-family-expects-him-to-take-them-on-dates-and-he-doesn-t-think-anything-s-wrong

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Well, then you learned something new about your boyfriend!Are you fine with having a different opinion than him and staying together.Think over how major a problem this is to you and if it is reason enough to leave the relationship.There are always plenty of areas of disagreement between partners in a relationship.The key to being happy is to know which ones you can accept and which ones are beyond your tolerance with which to live.Also, an early step would be to directly tell your boyfriend your opinion.   He may be willing to change his ways to satisfy you.

I started dating someone and found out they lied about some things—what should I do?

He's lied about his past/present situations. Since time has passed, he has changed, but I still have my doubts. I have no idea if I should stay or go, but I hate this feeling. I don't trust him all too much, but yet he hasn't done anything for me not to trust him recently.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-started-dating-someone-and-found-out-they-lied-about-some-things-what-should-i-do

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Your doubts about your dating partner need to be addressed and solved so you can fully believe him again.Otherwise how would you actually know whether he's lying to you now or not?Start the conversation with him about wanting to trust him and asking for whatever details you feel will give you confidence he is telling you the truth.If he really wants to clear your doubts then he will be willing to invest in answering your extra questions or wanting to look through his phone or whatever areas you felt were violated by him in the past.

How can I be able to trust the person I'm dating again after I've been lied to multiple times already by them in the past?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-be-able-to-trust-the-person-i-m-dating-again-after-i-ve-been-lied-to-multiple-times-already-by-them-in-the-past

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Good question!The starting point is to directly tell the person you don't trust them, your reason for this and what you feel is necessary in order for the person to regain your trust.Since the person broke your trust, then this person is the one who must earn it back.Often, the one who was lied to will like to ask many questions about matters which usually wouldn't even come up.As long as your dating person is willing to accept their responsibility to earn back your trust, then the person would naturally understand and be willing to answer your questions.It is not too hard to see that if someone lies, then they are the one who must show themselves to be worthy of being believed again.

What can I do about my fiancé putting his family first before our family?

My fiancé of 15 years is always helping out his family, and I feel like his family takes advantage of his kindness. We're about to get married this Saturday, but I feel like he is always gonna put them first instead of myself and our three kids. I am not enjoying our engagement at all.

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-can-i-do-about-my-fianc-putting-his-family-first-before-our-family

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Congrats on your upcoming wedding!Have you told the thoughts you write here, to your fiancé ?This is the place to start since you clearly are unhappy with a part of his and now your life, which will be with you for quite some time.

How can I regain my boyfriend's trust back after being completely dishonest with him about a lot of things?

The eight months I've been dating my boyfriend, I have lied about a lot of things. I slept with a couple guys to get back at my boyfriend for breaking up with me. Now anything I say to him he won't believe, even if I'm being honest. I don't know what else to do at this point. He constantly criticizes me.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-regain-my-boyfriend-s-trust-back-after-being-completely-dishonest-with-him-about-a-lot-of-things

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Start a conversation with him about your sincere interest to earn back his trust.Ask him what he expects from you so that he will trust you again.If you are consciously willing and do try to earn back his trust, and have periodic conversations with him on whether he feels more at ease with trusting you, then after a few months of this, both of you should feel more secure in the relationship.

Can someone love you and say hurtful things?

Someone I care about told me I'm not teachable and I'm irritating. I just want to be happy and wanted to please the person, but I always fall short it seems.

https://counselchat.com/questions/can-someone-love-you-and-say-hurtful-things

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Pleasing someone certainly does feel satisfying.  If the other person does not appreciate your effort and good will then this feels dissatisfying.Offering happiness to someone does not include tolerating mean comments such as the ones you describe here.Tell the person that you are trying to please them and also tell the person that their comments are hurtful.If the person said their words with no bad intentions then next time they comment its reasonable to expect these comments to not hurt your feelings.Keep in mind that your good intentions may not be received in the way you intend them.  Some people, sometimes are insensitive or just plain not interested in being pleased by another person.

Am I being picky when it comes to my boyfriend?

I've been in a relationship for almost a year, and I absolutely trust my boyfriend. He treats me nice, checks on me, and tells me sweet things. However, when it comes to making life decisions, I feel he is very immature. I try to talk things out so we can compromise or make sound decisions together, but he lacks any ideas and prefers to just go with anything to avoid fighting. As far as dates, if I don't say anything, plan it, or have money to chip in, we will not go. I feel like I put in a lot of work supporting and sometimes spoiling, and all I get is a loyal man who will not cheat and say sweet things on occasion.

https://counselchat.com/questions/am-i-being-picky-when-it-comes-to-my-boyfriend

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Well, then your decision is whether you want to stay in this type of relationship or not.One point to keep in mind is this.Just because he's not telling you his opinions doesn't mean he doesn't have any opinions.In the long run t is always easier to talk with someone about their differences from our point of view than to be someone who doesn't tell you what is in their mind.Short term it seems easy to have someone agreeable.Long term someone who doesn't tell you their thoughts and who disagrees with you, may potentially go about their true wishes in hidden ways.

How can I stop being jealous of my best friend's boyfriend?

My best friend and I've been really close for almost three years. She lives in the UK, and I live in the US. Ever since her boyfriend flew from Oregon to Scotland, I've been angry at him. Ever since he came into her life, he took her away from me. My best friend would always say sorry, and I'm sick of it.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-stop-being-jealous-of-my-best-friend-s-boyfriend

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

You are definitely in a frustrating situation.Your friend and the boyfriend are doing what is natural for couples who are in the early stage of their relationship.  Being almost inseparable to the point of overlooking friends, is understandable as long as it doesn't continue for long enough that friends feel hurt.If you feel you would like to one more time tell your friend that you miss your friendship with her and would like her attention, then do so.After expressing your needs as much as possible and if the result doesn't change, then the sad conclusion is that your friend is willing to give you less time and energy than you require from her.

What should I do after finding my boyfriend flirting on dating websites?

I found the guy I’m dating on dating websites. He was telling women that they were beautiful. He said it wasn’t him and that the phone was hacked. It has since happened two other times. He says he loves me and I’m the only girl he wants to be with, but I feel he is not telling me the truth.

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-should-i-do-after-finding-my-boyfriend-flirting-on-dating-websites

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Tell him what you know and ask why he is lying to you.   If he tells you he isn't lying and you have proof that he is, then you can either accept that he denies the truth or not.

What should I do after finding my boyfriend flirting on dating websites?

I found the guy I’m dating on dating websites. He was telling women that they were beautiful. He said it wasn’t him and that the phone was hacked. It has since happened two other times. He says he loves me and I’m the only girl he wants to be with, but I feel he is not telling me the truth.

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-should-i-do-after-finding-my-boyfriend-flirting-on-dating-websites

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

I would suggest possibly talking about the type of relationship that both of you want to create. For example, you may want a relationship where honesty, listening, compassion, and romanticism are major parts. You could also see what your boyfriend wants.You may also consider taking five minutes to see if he will listen to your feelings about him being on the dating site and whether he can work to learn more about what you are experiencing with asking open-ended questions (not being answered with yes or no) and restating what you are saying to see if he has it right. After that, perhaps you could switch so that you can listen to his perspective for five minutes and learn more about what he is doing by asking open-ended questions.Remember that it takes two people to have  a relationship, so the choice is yours as to whether you choose to stay in the relationship and what kind of relationship you would like to have.

My wife wants to spend time with her family instead of celebrating our anniversary

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-wife-wants-to-spend-time-with-her-family-instead-of-celebrating-our-anniversary

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Did she tell you her reason for this?If not, then ask her for her reasoning.Also, please tell your wife that you would like to celebrate your anniversary tighter with her.   Maybe she doesn't know this.

My boyfriend does not do some sexual things with me that he has done with other people

My boyfriend won't touch me intimately, he won't kiss me while we are having sex and he won't have oral sex with me. I know he has done this things with other women in the past. I don't know why he won't do them with me. What should I do?

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-does-not-do-some-sexual-things-with-me-that-he-has-done-with-other-people

intimacy

Tamara PowellAnything But Ordinary!

https://counselchat.com/therapists/tamara-powell

First off, don't blame yourself or be too quick to jump to any scary conclusions.  Human sexuality can be incredibly complex at times (e.g., what turns us on at one time may not be what turns us on the next time). There could actually be a number of things going on including him having performance anxiety...maybe he had a bad experience with a previous partner that's left him scared to try again (we call this operant conditioning).  It could also be that he puts you in a different category than previous lovers.  Sometimes I refer to this as the "hooker-housewife mentality" where a partner somehow gets the idea that when we truly fall in love, we treat that one differently; almost up on a pedestal.  Drives many partners crazy until they're aware that this is going on and give their boyfriend/ girlfriend permission to enjoy both the naughty and the nice with them. It could also be that he's not even aware that he's not doing these things. If you haven't asked him yet, you might try gently approaching the subject when you're not already in the bedroom or trying to get in on and inquire what he most enjoys about sex with you (or has enjoyed in the past, or thinks he might enjoy).  You can also share your favorite highlights of sex with him.  Give him an ego boost and tell him what he does well while then asking him if he'd be down to go downtown.  "Baby, it REALLY turns me on when you kiss me during sex."If you continue to get the impression that it's somehow only about YOU or that he's just really hesitant to talk about sex in general, you might see if he'd be cool to chat with a counselor who specializes in sexual intimacy.

My boyfriend does not do some sexual things with me that he has done with other people

My boyfriend won't touch me intimately, he won't kiss me while we are having sex and he won't have oral sex with me. I know he has done this things with other women in the past. I don't know why he won't do them with me. What should I do?

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-does-not-do-some-sexual-things-with-me-that-he-has-done-with-other-people

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Ask him!Having a conversation about sexual satisfaction increases emotional intimacy.Not only will you potentially feel more deeply connected from a sincere conversation about your sexual questions, maybe this increased emotional closeness will inspire the sexual closeness you wish to receive.

My boyfriend of a little over a year has a problem with me going to visit my mother

He said that if I were to visit my mother, he will be gone when I get back. My boyfriend and I hit a rough patch in our relationship a few months back, and my mom had a few choice words with him.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-of-a-little-over-a-year-has-a-problem-with-me-going-to-visit-my-mother

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Your boyfriend and you have a separate relationship than your relationship with your mother.   By trying to control whether or not you visit your mom, unless you are in agreement with this, is building tension between you and him.Ask why he resents your interest to see your mother.If he is insecure to the point where he fears your mother will influence your opinion about him, then trying to prevent you from visiting your mom is itself creating negativity in you toward him.If something still bothers him about the problems you both had several months ago, then talking about these problems will do more to clear the air between the two of you than him trying to interfere in your relationship with your mother.

What should I do about my marriage and my wife's behavior?

My wife and I got separated because I asked about her contact with a male friend of hers. The next day, she kicked me out. She let me move back two days later. Yesterday, she said she wanted a divorce then quickly changed her mind. I asked if the other guy was a factor, but she says it's not my business.

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-should-i-do-about-my-marriage-and-my-wife-s-behavior

intimacy

Anna McElearneyHelping Couples Build Stronger Relationships

https://counselchat.com/therapists/anna-mcelearney

When "threats" of leaving, such as what you described in your question ("kicking you out, wanting divorce") are continuous in your marriage, it can start to erode at the foundation of your relationship, impacting both partners. And, if you're concerned about the influence of another male in the relationship, and are unable to express your concerns or fears to your wife, it's extremely difficult to build a secure functioning relationship. From the information provided in your question, it seems as if there is some avoidance evident in your relationship. Avoidance of being able to express yourself and have honest communication about your relationship. If your wife is willing, I would recommend seeing a marriage counselor to help you both during this time. Or, for you to talk with an individual therapist, if marriage counseling isn't an option.

What should I do about my marriage and my wife's behavior?

My wife and I got separated because I asked about her contact with a male friend of hers. The next day, she kicked me out. She let me move back two days later. Yesterday, she said she wanted a divorce then quickly changed her mind. I asked if the other guy was a factor, but she says it's not my business.

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-should-i-do-about-my-marriage-and-my-wife-s-behavior

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

This has to be very confusing.I wonder if the two of you would be able to have a conversation about what it is that she would like you to know about what happened yesterday and the day before so you know what message she wanted you to get out of all of that.I would also recommend seeing a local mental health professional. If you go yourself, you could at least discuss your marriage and your own thoughts and feelings about it. If you go together, I would suggest you see a therapist who specializes in couples.

What should I do about my marriage and my wife's behavior?

My wife and I got separated because I asked about her contact with a male friend of hers. The next day, she kicked me out. She let me move back two days later. Yesterday, she said she wanted a divorce then quickly changed her mind. I asked if the other guy was a factor, but she says it's not my business.

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-should-i-do-about-my-marriage-and-my-wife-s-behavior

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Divorce is a serious, life altering decision.It is best to decide any serious matter through reflection and discussion.Start by knowing what you want from the marriage and why you are willing to move in or out of your own house because your wife tells you to do this.Each of you would benefit from more clarity of what you expect and would like from each other.Does your wife want a boyfriend in addition to the marriage to you?Is she willing to drop the male contact?Does she care how you feel about her contact with the other guy?You need answers and knowledge about the definition of your marriage.Since there are many areas to open, all of which are filled with emotion, including pain, if you're not able to make satisfactory progress then a licensed couples therapist may be useful to you and your partner.

Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?

I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?

https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-be-upset-that-my-husband-may-have-lied-to-me-again

intimacy

Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC-S, NCCBilingual Licensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/vivian-d-echevarria-guzman-msc-lpc-s-ncc

Do you want to be upset about a girl that he forgot about?  Think about it for a minute.  Do you want to measure your trust based on knowing how many female co-workers your husband has?  And if so, what does that say about your marriage?  Trust is something that we earn based on our actions and the actions of people we interact with; it’s also based on our ability to communicate and understand what we value and have in common.  If you are focused on every little detail around your relationship, it may turn into an unhealthy obsession and it may harm your relationship more.   If instead you focus on opening the lines of communication, let him know what you expect from him, and discuss how you could both build trust again, you may become closer and give your relationship the opportunity to grow.  ¿Debería este molesta porque mi esposo me mintió de nuevo?Estoy tratando de hacer que mi matrimonio funcione después de una separación.  Antes de separarnos el mentía mucho y rompía todas sus promesas.  No creo que me haya sido infiel.  El mes pasado, le pregunté cuantas mujeres trabajan con él, y él me dijo.  Ayer, me enteré que se olvido de una muchacha.  ¿Debería estar enojada?¿Quieres estar molesta porque se le olvido con cuantas mujeres trabaja?  Piénsalo por un momento.  ¿Quieres determinar la confianza que le tienes en tu esposo basándote en su capacidad de reportar la cantidad de mujeres que trabajan con él?  Si tu respuesta es sí, ¿qué refleja eso sobre tu matrimonio?  La confianza es algo que se gana basado en nuestras acciones y las de aquellos con quienes interactuamos; también en nuestra habilidad de comunicar y entender los valores que tenemos en común. Si practicas estar preocupada por cada pequeño detalle en tu relación, esto se puede convertir en una obsesión que potencialmente dañara tu relación.  Si en cambio te enfocas en abrir las líneas de comunicación, le dejas saber lo que esperas de él y discuten cómo pueden trabajar juntos para recuperar la confianza, pueden volverse más cercanos y darse la oportunidad de que la relación crezca.

Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?

I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?

https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-be-upset-that-my-husband-may-have-lied-to-me-again

intimacy

Betsy SansbyWhen something needs to change

https://counselchat.com/therapists/betsy-sansby-3

Imagine your best friend just told you that her husband lied to her all the time and that he had broken every promise he ever made to her. What would you tell her? If I were her best friend I'd tell her to run the other way. You may love this man. We don't choose who we love. But the evidence is pretty clear, isn't it? A healthy relationship cannot be built on a foundation of lies and broken promises. I believe that as adults, we are always treated as well as we insist on being treated by our partners. If you continue to accept unacceptable behavior, you are likely to see lots more of it.

Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?

I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?

https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-be-upset-that-my-husband-may-have-lied-to-me-again

intimacy

Samara PerezAre you ready for change? Let's make change happen.

https://counselchat.com/therapists/samara-perez

Let's look at your question and break it down. It begins with the word should. As a first reflection, it implies that there is a right and a wrong way to feel, in this case, feel upset. I think I would like to ask you the question in a different way: are you feeling upset? If you are feeling upset or if you are feeling another emotion : insert worried, ambivalent, scared, angry, insecure, confused that is likely reasonable if the relationship has undergone some breaks in trust followed by distance (seperation). The first step is to recognize what you are feeling, and accept it for what it is-- an emotion. A feeling. You are entitled to feel a range of emotions as you are in the process of repairing or rebuilding the marriage. It is what you  do with that feeling that matters-- how you act, how you think, what you say,  and the impact the emotion (likely emotions) have on your relationship and in turn your quality of life that matters. If you want to discuss the impact of your feelings on you or on your marriage, I suggest you consult with a mental health professional with expertise in couple therapy/ relationship issues. I hope you find this information helpful.

Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?

I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?

https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-be-upset-that-my-husband-may-have-lied-to-me-again

intimacy

Dr. Dinelly HolderLicensed Clinical Psychotherapist

https://counselchat.com/therapists/dr-dinelly-holder

In response to your answer. Yes because he broke a boundary of yours that he knew was important to you. The question that should be asked is are you able to go forward with your husband with his behaviors not changing for the better in regards to your feelings and emotions?

Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?

I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?

https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-be-upset-that-my-husband-may-have-lied-to-me-again

intimacy

Steve McCready

https://counselchat.com/therapists/steve-mccready

Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?

I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?

https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-be-upset-that-my-husband-may-have-lied-to-me-again

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

Is really difficult to tell whether he honestly forgot about someone or whether he was really lying again.I don't know whether he would be open to having a discussion with you about your concerns about this and whether you would be actually willing to listen to your thoughts about it.This might be something to discuss with a local therapist so that you can look at the patterns of lying in the past as well as whether you have a way to discuss this with your husband in the way that you would feel comfortable feeling vulnerable with your own feelings and also listening to what his responses are.This is difficult because I imagine you have a react very quickly and strongly to things like this because of what has happened in the past between you. All of this make sense. Having said that, there is also a question of whether he is telling the truth in this particular case and your reaction is based on past events.There's no easy way to know.If you do decide to have a discussion with your husband about it,  consider these things:Ask if this is a good time to have a conversation about something that is important to youMaybe you will be able to listen and ask questions about what came up for him (emotionally) when he realized that he didn't tell you about this other personMaybe he would be willing to listen to what you are thinking about if you are both able to do so without blaming, pointing fingers, or asking the other person to change. This would just be an exchange of information. Ideally this part of the competition would not be about you saying he did something wrong, but just expressing how you felt when you heard about itIt may be helpful to discuss these things with a therapist first so you have some coping skills for being able to listen to him without being overly defensive and also expressing your feelings without blaming, both of which would be very natural in this situation.

Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?

I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?

https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-be-upset-that-my-husband-may-have-lied-to-me-again

intimacy

Sobha VakhariyaOakland County Psychotherapist

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sobha-vakhariya

I would ask you first what made you give him another chance after he repeatedly lied and broke every promise to you?  I would imagine if he repeatedly lied to you that it will damage your ability to trust him now.  Is he in therapy? Does he recognize that he has a problem and is he trying to repair it?  Even if he truly forgot to tell you about the woman at work I think the real issue here is TRUST.  I am not saying that he doesn't have a lying problem.  Instead of asking someone else if you should be upset, ask yourself how you truly feel about him and this situation.

Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?

I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?

https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-be-upset-that-my-husband-may-have-lied-to-me-again

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Are you upset, is the more pertinent question.Everyone has their own tolerance for lies and their unique reasons for being married.  Trust your own answers to the question you ask here.Also, think over the value of your marriage in your life and whether you are able to live with the unstable sense of trust that you have in your husband.Remember too, that if you are the only partner who is trying to make the marriage work, then your job is much harder than if your husband actively participated in making the marriage happier for the couple.

How do I handle my fiancée always telling me how bad of a job I'm doing in making them happy?

My fiancée is always letting me know how I am a horrible/evil person, or I just don’t care enough when it’s about her feeling or when she is having an off day.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-handle-my-fianc-e-always-telling-me-how-bad-of-a-job-i-m-doing-in-making-them-happy

intimacy

Sarah McIntyreSarah McIntyre, M.Ed., LPC

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre

I don't know much about the dynamics of your relationship, but I want to say that you cannot possibly be responsible for anyone else's happiness.  If you are interested in a good read on this topic, I highly recommend The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

How do I handle my fiancée always telling me how bad of a job I'm doing in making them happy?

My fiancée is always letting me know how I am a horrible/evil person, or I just don’t care enough when it’s about her feeling or when she is having an off day.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-handle-my-fianc-e-always-telling-me-how-bad-of-a-job-i-m-doing-in-making-them-happy

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

One thing you could try is to have a conversation when neither of you is upset so that you learn what makes each of you feel cared for and valued. It could be that you are showing caring in a way that doesn't quite match what she is really looking for in that moment. For example, having an in-depth conversation could be something that you want, but she may just want a hug in that moment. I don't know if you heard of Gary Chapman's book about love languages, but it may be helpful.

Why is my fiancé angry at me about his automobile insurance?

My fiancé and I recently had an argument over finances. He gives me the money each month to pay his automobile insurance. He no longer has one of the vehicles on the policy. He realized he was still paying for the coverage and asked why I was allowing him to continue to do that since I was physically paying it for him. My response was that he was giving me the money, and I just made the payment. I didn't think of the coverages. He was angry about it. I still can't figure out that anger.

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-is-my-fianc-angry-at-me-about-his-automobile-insurance

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

I'd be more worried generally about a fiancee who assumes you are responsible for tracking what in fact are his responsibilities, than about the anger per se.What you describe holds the seeds of classic abusive behavior, which is blaming the partner for what in fact are the person's own responsibilities.Start by withdrawing yourself from paying his bills.If he is on his own in terms of tracking what and when is due regarding his auto policy, then surely the only one for him to blame will be himself.Stay clear of involving yourself in doing favors for him if the favor involves something that he is the one accountable.Tell him it is so the relationship remains fair for each of you.

Why is my fiancé angry at me about his automobile insurance?

My fiancé and I recently had an argument over finances. He gives me the money each month to pay his automobile insurance. He no longer has one of the vehicles on the policy. He realized he was still paying for the coverage and asked why I was allowing him to continue to do that since I was physically paying it for him. My response was that he was giving me the money, and I just made the payment. I didn't think of the coverages. He was angry about it. I still can't figure out that anger.

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-is-my-fianc-angry-at-me-about-his-automobile-insurance

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

A few things come to mind. I wonder if your fiancé is still angry about it or if he was angry in that moment and has now worked through it.It sounds like there was also a difference in expectations here. You were just  paying the bill with the money he was giving to you and he may have assumed you were reading it. You thought that you were following his directions. It could be that you could have a discussion about it, but that depends on how much of a hot button issue it still is for either of you.If you're going to talk about it, I might suggest asking whether this would be a good time to have a discussion about what happened with the automobile insurance so that you can both use the opportunity to learn more about yourselves and each other around this particular issue.

How do I deal with a lack of intimacy and partner's addiction to solo sex and porn?

I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-a-lack-of-intimacy-and-partner-s-addiction-to-solo-sex-and-porn

intimacy

Frank TheusMA, LPC, NCC, CSAT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/frank-theus

The comments here from the other therapists are "spot on". As a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist-Candidate I'm convinced your partner's acting out creates trauma for you. Your partner's addiction is NOT your fault and his recovery IS his responsibility. What's paramount is for you to get immediate help from an experienced therapist who understands trauma as result of the partner's/spouse's problematic sexual behaviors. Your needs, safety, and the establishment of reasonable boundaries is vital to your well-being. I wish you the very best.Resources for Your Consideration: 1) https://www.iitap.com/, 2) https://www.sanon.org/, 3) http://www.cosa-recovery.org/

How do I deal with a lack of intimacy and partner's addiction to solo sex and porn?

I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-a-lack-of-intimacy-and-partner-s-addiction-to-solo-sex-and-porn

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

There is a lot of information out there right now about how porn is harmful...to a person's brain chemistry, to a relationship and one's ability to love, and to how men see women and sex in general. Your partner demonstrates a clear disregard for your needs. There is evidence, as you suggest, that there is addiction here. I recommend seeing a therapist who can help you sort out where to go from here.

How do I deal with a lack of intimacy and partner's addiction to solo sex and porn?

I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-a-lack-of-intimacy-and-partner-s-addiction-to-solo-sex-and-porn

intimacy

Cory Ian Shafer LPCPsychotherapist, Jungian, Hypnotherapy

https://counselchat.com/therapists/cory-ian-shafer-lpc

It sounds like your in quite a rough place, my recommendation just based on what you type might warrant a visit to a psychotherapist to resolve what may be going on, I am not entirely sure but it sounds like he might have a bit of a sex addiction problem. One thing you need to ask yourself is "Am I happy?", "Do I feel loved?", these are deep questions, but the answers to those questions will give you a direction to travel in.

What should my boyfriend and I do to cope with his cancer?

We have been together over a year. We spend time together every day no matter how busy. He started to be unusually fatigued and losing weight. He also began to be distant and sexually selfish. We had a argument, and he confided he has late stage stomach cancer. He wont treat it.

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-should-my-boyfriend-and-i-do-to-cope-with-his-cancer

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

I wonder if both you and your boyfriend could have a conversation about what you both want, wish for, and desire from one another right now. That doesn't necessarily mean that your partner will give everything that you ask for, but this is one of the ways that he can learn more about what would help you through this and you can learn how you could support him, since traditional medical treatment is not something he wants.You may also consider using some open-ended questions (not yes or no answers) to talk about what you're feeling about both about his cancer and about your relationship. Both of you may discuss different ways that you would like support from one another.I would also see if he was comfortable with you disclosing this to one or a few of your close friends (with him considering doing the same) so that you both have support that includes each other and also includes others because there may be days when you both have a negatively emotional day at the same time and would benefit from talking with someone else.It may also be a matter of conversation to discuss what makes you happy together and use those positive moments to help move through more difficult ones.

What should my boyfriend and I do to cope with his cancer?

We have been together over a year. We spend time together every day no matter how busy. He started to be unusually fatigued and losing weight. He also began to be distant and sexually selfish. We had a argument, and he confided he has late stage stomach cancer. He wont treat it.

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-should-my-boyfriend-and-i-do-to-cope-with-his-cancer

intimacy

Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting

https://counselchat.com/therapists/robin-landwehr-dbh-lpcc-ncc

Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry about this life-altering situation that both you and your boyfriend are going through. To be sure, this is a devastating and lonely road for both of you. I say lonely because when things like this happen we often don't know what to say to each other, and so we suffer in silence with little support.Here are a few thoughts that I am having, and perhaps others will add things, too:1. By the sound of your main question, it seems like you have every intention to be there for your boyfriend during this difficult time. I am not sure if he is willing to talk about his health situation, but letting him know that you want to support him and also need his support may be helpful. 2. If it is possible, see if he would be willing to go to a counselor with you. There are many things that a counselor could focus on that may help your relationship, but also help you both cope with what is happening.3. If he refuses to seek support, you may want to consider going on your own. If you can't afford it, sometimes hospice organizations offer support groups and other services. It is very important not to neglect yourself. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

How do I get over jealousy?

I’m in a relationship with my child's father. I’m a really jealous person. We don’t go out or do anything with other people because of me. To keep our relationship going, I know I have to stop being jealous, but I can’t. How can I get over these issues?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-over-jealousy

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

It may be important to look at this as getting through something rather than "getting over it." If you're aware of the reasons why you are jealous, I don't know if they relate to this relationship or a previous one, but you could remind yourself of the differences if your feelings of jealousy relate to something from your past.Also, it may be beneficial to have a conversation with your child's father if you are both open to having a discussion about this in a way that you summarize what each other is saying so you are sure that you are understanding each other, at least to some degree.Also, consider what you may want from your child's father to assist you with this. You cannot make him do anything to support you with this, but you can certainly ask.What is something you could start or stop doing to move you toward your goal?

What can I do about my boyfriend insulting my body?

I'm in my early 20s, and I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year now. My boyfriend has always been the sweetest guy until recently. He has made comments such as “you would look better as a Tumblr girl" or "you should start doing more squats." It's really hurtful.

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-can-i-do-about-my-boyfriend-insulting-my-body

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

My first thought was that I wondered what changed recently. Is he open to having a discussion about this so you can ask questions such as that one?It's possible that he does not understand the degree to which it hurts you.Try asking if there is a time that would be good to have a discussion that is important. I don't know how well the two of you have communicated over the last year, but if you are concerned about this turning into an argument, you may consider asking him to just listen to your point of view and see if he is able to summarize it correctly. Then you can listen to his side of the concern.

What can I do about my boyfriend insulting my body?

I'm in my early 20s, and I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year now. My boyfriend has always been the sweetest guy until recently. He has made comments such as “you would look better as a Tumblr girl" or "you should start doing more squats." It's really hurtful.

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-can-i-do-about-my-boyfriend-insulting-my-body

intimacy

Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting

https://counselchat.com/therapists/robin-landwehr-dbh-lpcc-ncc

Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that you are experiencing this. To be honest, this kind of behavior is really emotionally abusive, and you likely know that already. The unfortunate truth is, there is very little we can actually do to change another adult's behavior if they are not interested in changing it. Many people who behave in this way actually feel justified in saying what they say, or even believe that they are "helping" in some way by telling you how to improve yourself. What is actually going on is an attempt to control or change something about you by being coercive and abusive. It is important to know that this kind of behavior doesn't necessarily show up right away. That is why I am not surprised that you are a year in to this relationship and are just now noticing these behaviors. Some people actually don't see them until they are already married! You didn't mention that there has been any physical abuse, but I would warn you that this is sometimes a possibility once a person has already begun to be emotionally abusive. Other things to watch out for is your boyfriend trying to control who you hang out with, what you do and how you dress, etc. These are just more examples of emotional abuse and control. Here are some things to consider and some ideas:1. You could talk to your boyfriend about this behavior, if you believe it is safe to do so. Perhaps he will recognize that his behavior is not okay, and change. If not, then you may need to decide what you want to do about this relationship, given the fact that you cannot force him to change. 2. You can call a local domestic violence program. They do not only work with people who have been physically abused or have been married. They are trained to talk about emotional abuse, also. It may be a good thing for support. Your calls are confidential. 3. Check out the wheel in the link below. On it you will find some other common ways that abuse can happen in a relationship. If any of these are happening to you, or begin to happen, talking to a domestic violence program, a trusted friend or family member, or a counselor would be a good idea. http://www.domesticviolence-wilm.org/Portals/97/Images/violence_wheel.gif  Be well.... Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

How do I talk to my girlfriend about my anxiety from her exes?

My girlfriend remains friends with ex boyfriends/lovers on Facebook who actively like and comment on posts. It causes me to get jealous because I'm afraid they might reconnect somehow. I've attempted to talk to her about it, but she avoids it and doesn't seem to worry about how I feel about it.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-talk-to-my-girlfriend-about-my-anxiety-from-her-exes

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

Talking about it would probably be helpful if you're both in a place where you can decide when is best to talk about something that is important. It may also be helpful to ask if you could talk for two or three minutes to make a point and then have space for her to talk for the same amount of time. You can adjust the timing for what works for both of you. After one of you is talking, perhaps you could restate what you have heard the person say. This can lessen confusion.I know you say that she avoids it. It might be a good place to start talking about it – to see what makes her avoid it. It could be that she thinks any discussion about them is going to lead to an argument or you saying that she can't talk to them. I don't know how you typically react when you are jealous, but if you can discuss talking about this in a way that you are both open to hearing what the other person is experiencing, that may be helpful as well.

Why do I always think my girl is cheating on me?

She works with a man and always looks at guys that check her out.

https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-always-think-my-girl-is-cheating-on-me

intimacy

Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-bc-tmh-cctp-cch

I wonder if you are having some of these thoughts related to something that has neither happened directly to you in your past or to someone that you care about. This can often change the way that we look at different situations. Try to look at what feelings, for you when you notice that someone is "checking her out," and perhaps when you have felt these feelings before.If you trust your girl enough to have an open conversation, perhaps you could ask her whether she is willing to talk about something that is important to you. Then you could talk about feelings that you're having.

How do I fall back in love with my wife?

My wife works late most days, so I'm lonely. I love my wife with all my heart, however I don't feel the intimacy we used to have. We don't have sex anymore, which bothers me tremendously. I have become close friends with a coworker, which I know is not helping. Nothing will happen with that, but there’s the thought.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-fall-back-in-love-with-my-wife

intimacy

Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC-S, NCCBilingual Licensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/vivian-d-echevarria-guzman-msc-lpc-s-ncc

First things first!  Friendships that develop in times of struggle may be a great emotional support, but also become confusing there's sexual attraction. And entertaining a tough is only going to make it a stronger target.  Careful with that friendship! You do not want to fill your marriage's void with another person.  Even when you are in a friend zone and not having intimacy with this person, you may be developing a special bond, sharing interest and activities that may lead to a deeper connection.  Ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse was having a friendship like that.Then try to refocus on your marriage. I suggest being transparent and talking to your wife about your feelings and concerns.  Ask her what you could do to reconnect, make some suggestions and dedicate time to practice them.  Make time in both of your schedules, make an effort to have lunch together, or to text during the day.  Remember that a marriage is like a very good friendship with benefits, but sometimes the responsibility kills the fun.¿Cómo puedo volver a enamorarme de mi esposa?Mi esposa trabaja tarde casi todos los días, la amo con todo mi corazón, pero no siento la intimidad como antes.  Ya no tenemos sexo, lo cual me molesta tremendamente.  Me he acercado a una amistad del trabajo, lo cual no ayuda.  Nada pasara, pero hay pensamientos al respecto.Primero lo primero! Las amistades que se desarrollan en momentos de crisis pueden ser un gran apoyo emocional, pero también pueden convertirse en algo nebuloso cuando hay atracción sexual. Entretener pensamientos al respecto solo lo va a hacer un reto más grande.  ¡Ten cuidado con esa amistad! No quieres llenar el vacío que deja tu matrimonio con esta nueva persona.  Aunque no estés teniendo intimidad con esa persona, puedes estar creando una conexión especial, compartiendo intereses en común y actividades que los unen más aun. Pregúntate como te sentirías si tu esposa tuviera una amistad así.Intenta reenfocarte en tu matrimonio.  Sugiero que seas transparente con tu esposa y le dejes saber tu preocupación y como te sientes con el distanciamiento.  Pregúntale que le gustaría hacer para reconectarse, sugiérele algunas ideas y dediquen tiempo a las mismas.  Hagan tiempo en sus agendas para ustedes, hagan un esfuerzo para almorzar juntos, y comunicarse durante el día, aunque sea con textos.  Recuerda que el matrimonio es como una muy buena amistad con beneficios y muchas veces las responsabilidades matan la diversión.

How do I deal with a man who only contributes financially?

My boyfriend of eight years and father of our two children is a truck driver. He is never home and only contributes to our family financially. There is no other support given. He comes home when able, sleeps, gives money, and leaves again. I can't get him to do anything with me or the kids. He just sleeps and works.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-a-man-who-only-contributes-financially

intimacy

Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC-S, NCCBilingual Licensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/vivian-d-echevarria-guzman-msc-lpc-s-ncc

After eight years and two children’s, people change.  I suggest to talk to him about how you feel, let him know that although he is gone for a long time, his presence as a husband and father are required and important.  Ask him if he will be willing to engage again and how he would like to do so.  Many times when the dads are away, moms design a perfect routine and they feel like they will disturb it.  Make alone time and family time for him, so you can reconnect as a couple and then as a family.¿Cómo trabajo con un esposo que solo contribuye económicamente?Mi novio de ocho amos y padre de mis dos hijos es camionero. El nunca está en casa y solo contribuye financieramente. No provee apoyo en ninguna otra forma. El viene a casa cuando puede, duerme, provee dinero y se va otra vez. No puedo lograr que haga nada conmigo y los niños. Solo duerme y trabaja.Después de ocho años y dos hijos las  personas cambian.  Te sugiero que hables con tu pareja sobre cómo te dientes, déjale saber que aunque el esta fuera la mayoría del tiempo, su presencia como pareja y padre es requerida e importante. Pregúntale si el está dispuesto a comprometerse  ser parte activa de la familia y como lo haría.  Muchas veces cuando los papás están afuera las mamás desarrollan rutinas que luego ellos no quieren interrumpir.  Crea tiempo a solas para dedicarle a el para que puedan reconectar como pareja y luego como familia.

How do I stop feeling jealous in my relationship?

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year. I suddenly find myself jealous when I see him talking to other girls. I have never been this way before. I don't like these feelings. He said that my jealousy would cause our relationship to have problems. I told him I can't help these feelings. I don't know where they are coming from, but this is how I feel, I tried to stop, but I can't. I really like this guy, but I'm afraid that I'm messing up the relationship. It's just stupid.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-stop-feeling-jealous-in-my-relationship

intimacy

Amy NolanYour journey to wellness starts here!

https://counselchat.com/therapists/amy-nolan

Trust is at the top of what makes a healthy relationship.  It sounds like you may benefit from personal counseling to explore where this jealousy comes from and what keeps you from having complete trust in your boyfriend.  This is not stupid, this is your mind telling you that there is something that needs to be worked through.  Sometimes we need to talk to someone like a counselor who is disconnected from our life to understand our feelings and what they mean in our relationships.

My boyfriend wants to know every details of my sex life

We've been dating for two months now. I have a heavy past that gets him angry. Does he have a right to penalize me for things I did before I met him?

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-wants-to-know-every-details-of-my-sex-life

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Not in my book. You're only two months in? At this early stage, this is a bit of a warning sign. If he can't accept or feel comfortable with who you are and decisions you've made, there's already a level of discomfort here that shouldn't be ignored. No, he doesn't have the right to penalize you or punish you ...not just for past things...not for anything. What he does get to do it tell you how it affects him. Sure...if he feels uncomfortable or needs reassurance...listen to those things. But If he doesn't dig who you are, maybe he can walk the other way.

My boyfriend wants to know every details of my sex life

We've been dating for two months now. I have a heavy past that gets him angry. Does he have a right to penalize me for things I did before I met him?

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-wants-to-know-every-details-of-my-sex-life

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

How is he penalizing you?Have you asked for his reasons for wanting to know about your heavy past?His answers may be very different than that he would like penalizing you.What you can do is explain how pressured you feel by his questions.Ideally, the two of you will become much closer by talking openly about your respective discomforts and wishes from the other.

My husband said he loves me but is not in love with me

My husband and I are in our 40s. We’ve been married 17 years. Three weeks ago, he said he loves me but is not in love with me. He was going to leave me, but he said he thought about it and decided to stay. I don't know how to feel any more. How should I take what he said and not feel so hurt? He has been very blunt, and hurtful words just come out of his mouth. He makes me feel like I'm nothing, but I so dearly love him with everything in me. He said it wasn’t a mid-life crisis.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-said-he-loves-me-but-is-not-in-love-with-me

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

I get it. Your husband tells you that he's not in love with you, but oops, he's changed his mind and will tolerate you for a while longer? Excuse me? My Dear, it's okay if you expect more than that from a marriage. Maybe the question has shifted from whether he is happy in the marriage to whether you are happy in the marriage. You say you love this man,  who makes you "feel like nothing". I say it might be time to sit down with an individual therapist and look objectively at your marriage and whether it's working for you.

My wife won't do things she used to do

There are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-wife-won-t-do-things-she-used-to-do

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

I'd say you're letting fear get a hold on you! You would really enjoy some sexual activities that your wife hasn't initiated in a long while, but it's a big leap to go from that to "I married the wrong person". Fear is telling you that she doesn't respect or like or want you? Look at the bigger picture. What is the evidence that your wife wants to please you?...that she is the "right" woman for you?...that she loves you?...that she cares about what's important to you?  If there is evidence there, then you owe it to the marriage to rein in your fearful thoughts.Talking to your wife is so important right now. We all have moments when we really just want to sit and stew in our self pity over our partner not vacuuming or cooking or saying loving things often enough...but they can't read our minds! Can you lovingly let her know what you miss? ...what you hope for?...what you need? This is the meat of a loving relationship. Sharing who we are, so that we can love each other better. Your wife deserves the benefit of the doubt that she'll listen to what you long for. Can you risk feeling vulnerable? You can't control her answer, but can you trust her to care?

My wife won't do things she used to do

There are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-wife-won-t-do-things-she-used-to-do

intimacy

Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC-S, NCCBilingual Licensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/vivian-d-echevarria-guzman-msc-lpc-s-ncc

My wife won't do things she used to doThere are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person.Like we often hear, communication is the key to a good relationship.  Intimacy in the marriage is something we take for granted, and we rarely communicate about it. I noticed how you mentioned that she had “once agreed to try” things; did you ever asked if she enjoyed those things or would want to repeat them.  Have you asked if she would like to try new things as well?What if, you work on improving your communication with your wife? One thing to consider is the status of your relationship.  Are you in good terms with each other? Are you or your wife going under a stressful situation?   Many times when we have problems we reflect it in multiple areas, including our intimacy or lack of it.  Listen to her; ask how you can support her.  Find ways to reconnect as a couple, relax, have fun, and do things that you used to enjoy, or discover new interests together.Then you can focus on having conversations about your intimacy.  You could star by letting her know that you are concerned about your romantic life, and ask if you do anything that she likes or dislikes.  Remember this is a two-way street, you should be ready to listen and ready to share.  Take in consideration what she mentions, and work on resolving those issues.  It is important that you praise each other as you progress and do this in a loving and supportive way, avoiding hurtful comments. If you continue to struggle, or seems difficult to engage in communicating with your wife, consider couples therapy or individual therapy to work on communication skills.Mi esposa no hace las cosas que solía hacerHay cosas intimas que ella hacia al principio de nuestra relación, y cosas que alguna vez ella estuvo de acuerdo en probar y que ahora no hace.  Yo  me paso pensando en eso todo el día.  Me siento rechazado y pienso que me case con la persona equivocada.Como tanto escuchamos, comunicación es la clave para una buena relación.   La intimidad en el matrimonio es algo de damos por hecho y rara vez nos comunicamos al respecto.  Noté como mencionas que alguna vez tu esposa “estuvo de acuerdo en probar” algo.  ¿Alguna vez le preguntaste si le gusto lo que probo, o si quería repetirlo?  ¿Le has preguntado si ella quisiera intentar algo nuevo o diferente?¿Y qué tal si trabajas en mejorar la comunicación con tu esposa?Un aspecto a considerar es si hay alguna tención en el matrimonio.  Si están pasando por una situación tensa en su matrimonio o algún otro aspecto de su vida, lo pueden estar reflejando en su intimidad, o la falta de la misma.  Escúchala, pregunta cómo puedes darle apoyo.  Encuentra maneras de reconectar en pareja, relajarse, divertirse, y hacer cosas que antes disfrutaban, o descubrir nuevos intereses juntos. Si demuestran que son importantes uno para el otro y apoyan sus necesidades, se unirán más y disfrutaran de su tiempo intimo.Luego trabaja en tener conversaciones sobre la intimidad.  Puedes empezar por dejarle saber que te preocupa la vida romántica preguntarle si hay algo que a ella le agrada o desagrada al respecto. Recuerda que esto será beneficioso para los dos, tú debes estar preparado para escucharla, y compartir tus preocupaciones.  Toma en consideración lo que ella mencione, y trabaja en resolver o eliminar esas conductas.  Es importante que se alaguen y animen en el proceso, que este sea un proceso de apoyo y crecimiento y que continúen teniendo esta conversación frecuentemente.Si continuas teniendo dificultad o no sabes cómo comunicarte con tu pareja, considera terapia de pareja como una alternativa, o incluso consejería individual para trabajar en tus destrezas de comunicación.

Is it wrong to cheat on my husband?

We don't have sex a lot. I cheat when we argue. I don't kiss or have unprotected sex with them. It's a one time thing, and I never see them twice.

https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-wrong-to-cheat-on-my-husband

intimacy

Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting

https://counselchat.com/therapists/robin-landwehr-dbh-lpcc-ncc

Hello, and thank you for your question. The question about whether or not to cheat is based on personal values that can only be answered by you. However, here are a few things to consider and questions to ask yourself to help you find your answer: 1.     Do you feel like you are violating your own values or morals? This is important, because we all have different values and morals surrounding sex, love, and monogamy. If you value monogamous relationships and find yourself cheating on your partner, then you may feel like you are living in contradiction to your values, and most people are not happy when they do that. However, if monogamy is not something you value, then perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the relationship and determine if it is still right for you. Not all people want monogamous relationships, and that is alright. Finally, if you value your husband’s feelings and know that the affairs would hurt him, then your behaviors may again be in contrast to your own values. That can only be determined by you. 2.      Based on how you describe your relationship, it sounds like you are not very satisfied with the way it is.  From the outside, it looks like the affairs are a way to “get even” with your husband or to feel better after an argument. This is something that can happen when mutual respect starts to fade in a relationship and gets replaced with contempt. We can simply stop caring about how our actions hurt each other, or potentially hurt each other. Perhaps the question to ask here is, when you look out toward the future with your husband, is this the pattern that you want to keep? The pattern of very little sex, argument, and then satisfying the pain or dissatisfaction with affairs.  3.      What are your goals for this relationship? If we start to become disconnected in a relationship, we can begin to do things on autopilot. Get up, get the kids up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. None of which requires any intimacy at all. Are you still able to see the hopes and dreams you once had for this relationship?  4.      Have you considered seeking marital counseling? Not having affairs won’t actually fix the part of the relationship that is leading you to have them. If there is something broken, it sometimes requires some help to get it fixed.  Hopefully these questions and thoughts will help you come to some kind of conclusion about what is right for you and your relationship. I certainly wish you well.  Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

I am afraid of sex

I am a female, and I am afraid of having sex. I am afraid of disappointing my partner by being inexperienced. I think he thinks I'm not a virgin. I am also scared that he will be disappointed with my naked body. I don't want my partner to think differently of me because I am afraid of having sex.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-am-afraid-of-sex

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

These fears are completely normal. Almost everyone has the same fears you do, to some degree, especially if they lack experience. Men also feel far more of these fears than you realize. That can help...to remember that we're all a little scared and looking for safety and approval.You mention a partner, but I'm not sure if you currently have one. Having a partner you can trust with your fears and who you feel safe with is so important. When you're really confident someone cares deeply for you, this can help the fears to go away or diminish. How well do you know your own body? Getting to know how you like to be touched and how different touches feel...getting acquainted with your body yourself first...this can help build sexual confidence. In general, our partners care less about our fat and wrinkles than they care about how we make them feel in bed. Being a generous lover who is confident enough to put fear aside...ironically this is what makes you "good in bed". But be patient with yourself. Your confidence will grow with experience, and that doesn't have to happen until you are ready. There's not rush. :)

I am afraid of sex

I am a female, and I am afraid of having sex. I am afraid of disappointing my partner by being inexperienced. I think he thinks I'm not a virgin. I am also scared that he will be disappointed with my naked body. I don't want my partner to think differently of me because I am afraid of having sex.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-am-afraid-of-sex

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

As hard as it may be to do this, since all the media and marketing of how an ideal person looks and performs sexually, surrounds us, keep in mind that the images presented in order to sell movies and almost any product, is meant to trigger fantasies.No one is a fantasy, we are all real and unique.  We can be influenced to believe that being a fantasy is better than being who each of us is, genuinely.Your partner may be much more accepting of your body and your level of sexual experience, than you are of yourself!Sex within a relationship means the two people want to have with the other one, not because they have ideal bodies and expertise, but because the person wants to make love to the one whom they love.When you are in a loving relationship, part of this includes talking about sensitivities and insecurities.  Having a conversation gives the chance to know that you are accepted for who you are, not how closely you resemble a made up idea meant to persuade people to buy items.

I am afraid of sex

I am a female, and I am afraid of having sex. I am afraid of disappointing my partner by being inexperienced. I think he thinks I'm not a virgin. I am also scared that he will be disappointed with my naked body. I don't want my partner to think differently of me because I am afraid of having sex.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-am-afraid-of-sex

intimacy

Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson

The greatest sex experience will be with someone who you feel connected to outside the bed.  This is something that you should feel comfortable in talking with your partner about.  The relationship needs to be strong before moving to the bed anyways. If the love is there, he will understand your fears and make you feel comfortable making it a great experience.

I cheated on my partner, and I don't know how to feel

I am married, but I had sex with my friend. I feel guilty, but I feel not guilty too. Do I need to feel guilty? It's my body, and I have full rights to do what I like.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-cheated-on-my-partner-and-i-don-t-know-how-to-feel

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

I don't think there's anything that you're supposed to feel. Some people feel tremendously guilty when they cheat, and others not at all. It could be that your partner doesn't know about the cheating and you haven't had to face his/her emotions and reactions. When something we do is hidden...a secret...it's easier to avoid feeling guilty. I wonder if you're avoiding your own emotions. But let's put that question aside for now. There are better questions.What do you want? Do you want your marriage? If not, this may be why you don't feel guilty. Do you want to be able to sleep with your friend? It's unlikely that both are possible (keeping the marriage and the affair). Yes, you get to do whatever you want with your body...and...there may be consequences. Affairs almost always get discovered. Who do you want to be? What kind of partner do you want to be? What might your partner feel if they knew? How might you feel then? Would you care? Has something happened that's affected how much you care about your partner?I suggest that these other questions might be a place to start. Exploring it with a therapist is something to consider maybe. I wish you the best as you sort it out. :)

I cheated on my partner, and I don't know how to feel

I am married, but I had sex with my friend. I feel guilty, but I feel not guilty too. Do I need to feel guilty? It's my body, and I have full rights to do what I like.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-cheated-on-my-partner-and-i-don-t-know-how-to-feel

intimacy

Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson

My questions to you would be:  Why did you get married?  Would it bother you if your spouse did the same to you?

I cheated on my partner, and I don't know how to feel

I am married, but I had sex with my friend. I feel guilty, but I feel not guilty too. Do I need to feel guilty? It's my body, and I have full rights to do what I like.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-cheated-on-my-partner-and-i-don-t-know-how-to-feel

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Yes, of course, it's your body and you can do what you feel like doing.Do you feel a commitment to your partner?Your guilt probably is pointing out the feeling of having done with your body what your spirit tells you is a violation of the commitment you feel toward your partner.The good news is that this is a moment for you to examine how strong your commitment is to your partner.Find balance between satisfying your freedom to do as you please, with your sense of being a partner, which means prioritizing the partner once in a while.

I think my trust issues are going to end my relationship early

As I was growing up, my mother and father always fought. With that, I grew trust issues. I think it's going to affect my relationship now and end it sooner then I want to. I try not to let it affect me, but I can’t.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-think-my-trust-issues-are-going-to-end-my-relationship-early

intimacy

Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson

If you thing your trust issues are going to end or affect your relationship it will because you are being baggage from your parents into this relationship.  Don't allow their problems to become your problem.  You didn't mention that your partner in your present relationship have done anything to make you not trust them.  Like in the court of law, if no evidence....find not guilty.  Don't make them pay the consequences as if guilty of your parents unhealthy behavior.

How do I stay when the spark is gone?

We had our first kid 15 years ago, and sex has been nonexistent ever since. It only happens every three or four months. We have been to counseling, and I have been told over and over again she will come around. She hasn't, and I'm intimately lonely! I think it's time to move on, but how do I do that without hurting my kids?

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-stay-when-the-spark-is-gone

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Pocahontas, This is a painful situation. When you're in a relationship, you assume that you will continue to receive warmth and affection. When it dries up, it's a very lonely place. It's possible that there is an unaddressed issue in the relationship. It's also possible that your partner has hormonal issues, pain issues,  sexual dysfunction or is asexual. There is no one answer here. Only you can decide what is right for you. But let me ask some questions to help you explore next steps:Aside from the sex, is your wife loving and supportive? What are the other ways in which you feel loved? Does your wife talk to you? Does she communicate her needs and desires? Does she articulate what gets in the way of having sex? If your wife is generally a loving, open partner, you use this to see that her behaviours aren't personal. Whether she resolves this or not, it can help you to cope with the rejection. This is your wife's issue, and the "ball" is in her court.In my opinion, if couple's therapy hasn't helped, it's time for your wife to own whatever is blocking her and address it with her physician and therapist. Let her be in charge of the sex for a while, to take the pressure off, and she can have the time to figure out what gets in the way of having regular sexual intimacy in your relationship. If you think of this as "my wife is in crisis and needs support in figuring this out", it can help you manage your own emotions. Pressure to have sex might push her further away. Did the couple therapist help you to see the dynamic in your relationship? Has your partner identified something she feels she is lacking in the relationship? One good way to make sure you "get" is to "give" (and I mean give what she wants, not sex). It's appropriate to say to her now "I cannot live in a relationship with so little intimacy. I need for you to be honest with me about what you want for us sexually. If this is all you want, I'm not sure I can do it. If you want us to be more sexual, I need you to address what gets in the way for you."  Give her some time, help her in any way you can, and then see where you are. See if she does seek help to address an issue that is hers. Then...you have a decision to make. I encourage you to make it looking at the big picture, not just the sex.

I don't know if I should end my relationship or try and stick through it

I have been dating a guy for two years. I think I love him, but I don't know any more. I am in my late teens, and I have been living with him for most of our relationship. I have been talking to a guy friend, and I feel more loved by him than my boyfriend.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-don-t-know-if-i-should-end-my-relationship-or-try-and-stick-through-it

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Michigan, Relationships are so sparkly for a few years, and then things start to feel different. Most of the time, this is simply because we've pulled back from all the attachment-forming behaviours we did at the beginning. We stop talking a lot, because we have less to discover...we do less for each other and buy fewer gifts...spend less time together...all because we have already formed the love and attachment and we don't need to "fill the gas tank" as much. So, just because it feels different doesn't mean it's "gone bad".Having said that, it seems as though you are missing something in this relationship that you need; you don't feel loved enough right now. Can you tell him? Have you told him? The strength of your relationship is more clear when people know what the expectations are. Let him know what you need, and see if he gets it. You have choices to make and there is no wrong choice. You certainly have the right to say "this isn't feeling great anymore", or "I want to explore other relationships", and walk away. But often it's worth it to see how good something can be before you bail. You're drawn to someone else, and this is up to you to decide how this fits with your expectations of yourself in a relationship. Your interest in this other guy is sparkly and new. Your boyfriend can't compete with that if he doesn't know you're unhappy. For some people, being drawn to someone else is a sign they're not into their partner. For others, it's a danger alert, and it makes them want to improve their current relationship. Which one are you?

My boyfriend says he doesn't like to do things with me because we fight too much

He owns his own business. Sometimes, he stays out all night but doesn't tell me. We have a son together, and I get to stay home with him. He says I complain too much about what he's doing. We've been together a year and a half. I got pregnant after being together for a month. We moved in together when I had my son in July. Everything was great, and then he started the staying out. He then started not spending time with either of us. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong. We've talked and he says this is just how he is, but he wasn't like this before.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-says-he-doesn-t-like-to-do-things-with-me-because-we-fight-too-much

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Congrats on the birth of your son!Your situation sounds painful, lonely, and isolating.And, these features are eating away at your self-confidence.Start by believing in yourself.  The feelings and ideas you describe here would only be arising from within you because they are at the very least, partly true.Ask your boyfriend if he is willing to listen and understand your point of view.  If he does, then hopefully the two of you will more easily talk with one another about the truth of feeling overwhelmed by the quick pace of your courtship and becoming a family.If these discussions continuously include him blaming you for having your own feelings and expecting him to more actively be a part of your and your son's life, then you'll need to start valuing your feelings and what is best for you and your son, by yourself.I send you lots of good luck!

My boyfriend says he doesn't like to do things with me because we fight too much

He owns his own business. Sometimes, he stays out all night but doesn't tell me. We have a son together, and I get to stay home with him. He says I complain too much about what he's doing. We've been together a year and a half. I got pregnant after being together for a month. We moved in together when I had my son in July. Everything was great, and then he started the staying out. He then started not spending time with either of us. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong. We've talked and he says this is just how he is, but he wasn't like this before.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-says-he-doesn-t-like-to-do-things-with-me-because-we-fight-too-much

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Oklahoma, Listen to him when he says this is how he is. Your boyfriend's behaviours are about him; not you. At the start of a relationship it's easy to be loving and attentive; but it takes years to really get to know someone deeply. With time, people reveal who they are.For some reason, he is giving himself permission to detach from you and your son. This could be for several reasons; he may be avoiding intimacy and connection, he may be avoiding commitment, he may fear he isn't enough, or (and there is evidence of this one) he may have misogynist attitudes about male privilege that interfere with his ability to be the kind of supportive and respectful partner that you need. It seems that you've addressed this problem with him and told him what you need. Good for you. His response seems dismissive though, and this isn't a good sign. Any problem can be worked through if you have two people who care about, respect and listen to each other. It seems this basic foundation is missing here.I suggest a therapist might be able to help you sort out where to go from here. I wish you the best. :)

My boyfriend is always accusing me of not loving him

I love him so much, and I don't know what to do.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-is-always-accusing-me-of-not-loving-him

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Does he tell you a reason as to why he feels you don't love him?Ask him this so you will clearly know his definition of "love".

My boyfriend is always accusing me of not loving him

I love him so much, and I don't know what to do.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-is-always-accusing-me-of-not-loving-him

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Savannah, This is a pretty common issue; one person feels that they are doing a great job of being loving, yet their partner doesn't feel loved. There's a great book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. He explains that there are five main ways to give and receive love, but we don't necessarily all speak the same "love language" as our partner. You might feel that by going out to work and earn money, you're being loving, but if your partner's main love language is quality time, you're not hitting that bulls eye because you're not home! The five languages are words, quality time, acts of service, gifts and touch. I recommend couples grab this book, sit down and figure out what their love languages are, and then...slowly...you start to ask for the kind of love you want, and you start to speak your partner's language a bit better. You may never be fluent, but you can get better. The most important part is to understand each other better and to know that there's nothing wrong with either of you, you're just speaking different languages. You can help your boyfriend to get really specific about how he wants to be loved. I bet he just needs you to "speak his language".  :)

How can I get my fiancé to notice me again?

My fiancé and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying "whatever" and "leave me alone." But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-my-fianc-to-notice-me-again

intimacy

Margaret Van AckerenMA, LMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda

Hello, It doesn't feel good when it seems that your partner no longer cares or cares less for you, especially if your feelings have not changed. It can be scary, frustrating, and lonely. Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? I would suggest to start there. There may be several reasons for his actions, some of which may have nothing to do with how he feels for you. Learning about what is going on for him will likely answer your questions and, depending on his response, may cause some relief. When initiating conversations about subjects that are sensitive, there are a few things that you want to remember. Tell him how you are feeling and what you are experiencing, rather than blaming him or telling him what he is doing wrong. Avoid using extreme, black and white language (i.e. always and never). For example, you may say something such as, "I feel confused that we are rarely intimate and I'm wondering if you've also noticed this change" versus "You are never intimate with me anymore." Don't be afraid to ask him questions. You deserve to know what is going on, as his behavior is effecting your well being. I like to ask open-ended questions instead of yes and no questions. It allows for more clarity and deeper explanation. Lastly, ask yourself (and possibly him) what part you play in the recent changes. Does he feel that you've been distant? Does he need something from you? Let him know that you are willing to work things out as a team. If communication attempts fail, seeing a couple's therapist can be a great benefit. Having an objective party to coach you through this difficut time can give you the support that will create lasting changes in your relationship.Best of luck to you!

How can I get my fiancé to notice me again?

My fiancé and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying "whatever" and "leave me alone." But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-my-fianc-to-notice-me-again

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Your situation sounds a little painful.Have you brought up any of these topics for discussion with your fiancé?Now is a good time for finding out if and how your future husband is interested and addresses the way you are feeling.Until the two of you open up what bothers you, all you or anyone who talks to you about the situation, can do is take guesses as to what is driving your finance's behaviors.Also, in the moment of when your fiancé texts you words you find surprising or startling, you can tell him this.   Maybe by being clear and truthful about how what he writes affects you, then next time he will change what he tells you.And if he doesn't, then you know that you explained yourself, he had this information about you and that , he isn't that willing to consider what you told him. Really, the best first step is to open up all the topics you wrote about here, with him.  This way you'll give each of you to discuss how to care about one another in a meaningful way.

How can I get my fiancé to notice me again?

My fiancé and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying "whatever" and "leave me alone." But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-my-fianc-to-notice-me-again

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Rockford, While no relationship is "perfect", and it's natural for the passionate beginnings of a relationship to lessen with time, because we have established the trust and love needed as a foundation and we don't have to smother each other with attention anymore, your situation sounds like something different. "He has no time for me"... yet you don't fight. Hmmm...Is it that you don't fight because you don't bring up what's bothering you? Are you avoiding conflict? Many people do. What do you fear would happen if you let him know how you feel about his recent pulling away? As an engaged couple, now is a really good time to see what happens when you bring a concern to your fiance. Better to find out now what happens when you rock the boat by being real. Or maybe you have spoken to him about it. If so, what happens? Does he listen and help you understand him better? Or does he avoid and reassure you...or maybe dismiss you? This is really important data to gather about how your fiance handles conflict and how you work together. He says "leave me alone". That's a pretty bold statement about what he wants. He doesn't seem to have the same idea that you do about what marriage is, and how close you want to be. Plus, I have to say, those words sound more like what a closed-off fourteen year old would say to a parent than a loving fiance to his bride to be! Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it could be that your fiance is scared about getting married and this is a temporary reaction that will change. But if this is true, he needs to tell you that so you can understand. So, I suggest that the fact that when you're together you're "okay" is perhaps not the best barometer for how you're doing as a couple. Listen to your gut. I encourage you to be really open with your fiance about what your feelings and fears are. This may get rockier before it gets better, but until you face what's not working, you won't know who you truly are as a couple.  When you're engaged, it's a really cool time to see a therapist too...to get some conflict resolution skills down before you're a married couple.

How do you get over someone cheating on you when you are trying to make it work?

My boyfriend of five years told me he cheated on me during our relationship after we broke up. We've since gotten back together and are trying to make it work. I don't know how to trust him now, but I really want to make it work, and it seems like he does too. But my trust issues are getting in the way and causing problems.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-you-get-over-someone-cheating-on-you-when-you-are-trying-to-make-it-work

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Michigan,This is a common issue. How do you trust after you know someone is capable of hurting you? I totally get that it's hard, and I believe it's worth it if you truly love and want to be with someone. You can be stronger in the scarred places. I would suggest that you each have a separate job to do to rebuild this trust. It is definitely possible to rebuild it, because anything is possible if both people want it enough.Your boyfriend came clean to you...this is pretty crucial. He chose to honour your needs rather than keep the secret. You can use that as evidence in your "proof that he loves me" file. Work on that file...thicken it up. Having a thick "he does care about me and wouldn't hurt me again" file will help you. Other things that he can do to help you thicken that file (because after all, his behaviours caused this problem): answer all your questions, don't brush you off if you're feeling insecure, treat you as though you're a priority, avoid questionable contact with other women, have open communication, give you passwords to devices so there is transparency. He can help you to understand where those behaviours came from...why he cheated in the first places (although people aren't always good with those 'why' questions!)You can focus on telling yourself that people change, that he deserves a chance to show you he can be loyal (or at least you've decided to give him that chance), and that you want to be a trusting person. If you act like a trusting person, you will likely feel more like one. Don't go snooping, don't interrogate him. It's normal you might feel scared and try to tell him that when you do. Let him know what happens that leads to you feeling scared.This is a start for you. A good therapist can be helpful too!

Is it wrong that I'm married and I have a best friend that's like a sister to me?

https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-wrong-that-i-m-married-and-i-have-a-best-friend-that-s-like-a-sister-to-me

intimacy

Angie StonesThe future depends of what you do in the present!

https://counselchat.com/therapists/angie-stones

Although we all want (or wish) that our partner is also our best friend, in reality this doesn't always happen. There may be issues, of course and there are many things to consider there, such as "why do we need" another person to confide in, or are we actually attracted to this "best friend" but because we know we can't have them we put this thought behind etc. etc. Is this friend and old friend, an old flame or a new acquired friend; the latter is complicated and probably the most questionable, in my view. So, many things to think about and there is no one answer fits all.

Am I a lesbian because I love a girl?

I’m in love with my friend who is also a girl. I fell in love with her in a few months. That was my first love. We used to talk for the whole day and night over the phone and on Facebook. I thought she had the same feelings for me, but I was wrong. I always wanted to touch her warmly and stay with her all my life. But all my dreams get broken apart after she got into a relationship with a guy. I’ve tried to be in relationship with guys, but I can’t be in love with them.

https://counselchat.com/questions/am-i-a-lesbian-because-i-love-a-girl

intimacy

Angie StonesThe future depends of what you do in the present!

https://counselchat.com/therapists/angie-stones

It all depends how old you are and what a particular situation is.  You may be feeling very close to this friend and mistake that feeling for sexual feeling, or the feelings may be real. This is something you will find out for yourself, however, it definitely doesn't mean that you are a lesbian just because you have those feelings for this particular person. Time will tell, but if you need to discuss this, you could see your school councelor (if you are at school/university) or find a LGBT group with meetings and discuss this with them. I hope this is helpful.

Is it wrong to be antisocial around people?

I've been getting told lately by my partner that it’s embarrassing that I'm so antisocial around his family and friends. I believe it's because I'm not as social as him.

https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-wrong-to-be-antisocial-around-people

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Buffalo, I think you're right; your partner's reactions are about him. I have to say it's a cruel thing to say to someone you love...that you're "embarrassed by them". The subtext says "You're not good enough", and I love that you can reject that false message.You don't have to be different for anyone. If he can't accept you for who you are, what is he doing with you? Your social habits (unless they are extreme...like you refuse to go anywhere) aren't a reflection on him; it's just you being you. Also, and I'm sure you've found this...the more he judges you, the more difficult it is for you to be the confident, outgoing person he wants you to be...so his method of trying to change you doesn't even work!I think that's the crux...he's trying to change you. What does that make you want to do?

What should I do if I think my partner is cheating?

How can I know if I'm just being paranoid?

https://counselchat.com/questions/what-should-i-do-if-i-think-my-partner-is-cheating

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Texas,Oh, that's a powerful idea, isn't it? It burrows into your head. Let's figure this out. First, has your partner given you any concrete reason not to trust them? Have they cheated before? If not, then they deserve the benefit of the doubt until there is evidence. If it's a "yes", then it's natural that these fears would be triggered and you can simply let your partner know what triggers the fear and what you need. "When you refuse to let me see your phone I worry that you're hiding something. I need openness". If they haven't cheated on you in the past, there are three possible scenarios here. I invite you to take a moment and write down what the evidence is that cheating is going on. What is the specific thing that's triggering your fears? When you have your data recorded, read on...The first scenario is that you have been personally hurt in the past by someone else and you've developed fears that you will be hurt again or that you're not enough to keep someone interested (this is just fear...people cheat for their own reasons, not because we're not interesting). This may be true if what you wrote down is "They didn't really do anything wrong...there is no evidence. I'm just scared and suspicious". That's a cue to do some self reflection and calm yourself with thoughts like "nothing has really happened. I can trust."If what you wrote down was vague evidence, like for example your partner has been distant or irritable, or you're having less sex than usual, you can try to approach the situation without making assumptions. Trust your gut, but your gut isn't seeing evidence of cheating...it's evidence of "something". Ask your partner what's up with accusations or assumptions.The third possibility is that there is some clear evidence that they are cheating. Maybe there are texts on a phone, or someone has told you something they saw. I'd say when there is some evidence, it's okay to present this to your partner and ask what's going on. If this happens repeatedly, and your gut is screaming and there are only excuses or explanations that don't make sense, then it's okay to do a bit of "research" and be extra aware of what's going on around you. I hope that helps.

My partner is bored of being intimate with me

My partner and I have had an amazing relationship and connection for over two years. We're very committed to each other and are planning a very long life together. However, he recently was very open and honest that he isn't interested in having sex with me anymore. He says this has happened in every past relationships and has ended it as a result. He knows it's because it's the "same person" feeling, but how can he get over this?

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-partner-is-bored-of-being-intimate-with-me

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

I wonder how long "anymore" will be for your boyfriend.Since you both are planning a long life together, instead of his custom of ending relationships when he feels bored with the sex, he will be facing the situation of being in a relationship and not having sex with his partner to whom he is committed.What are your own views on the meaning of sex in a relationship?Knowing this will help you be better able to collaborate with your boyfriend on finding ways of balancing what you each would like.

How do I get over the man I had an affair with?

We got into arguments, and we would break if off but start it back up again. We clicked, or so I thought. We are both married with problems in our marriage. We never have sex; we just send a lot of pictures back and forth and talk about doing things together. His wife found out, and he lied to her and didn't even refer to it as an affair. I can't stop thinking about him. We just click. I've been married for 16 years, and I've never liked anyone other than my husband. Now I like him, and we’ll never be together.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-over-the-man-i-had-an-affair-with

intimacy

Nat RomanMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc RP

https://counselchat.com/therapists/nat-roman-toronto

If you will "never be together" and in order to maintain this affair you need to deceive both of your spouses it seems unlikely that maintaining the affair will bring anything but heartbreak for everyone involved. There is obviously something that you are getting from this that you are not getting in your marriage. Maybe this is a cue that there is work to do on your marriage to try to make it more fulfilling and if that is not possible, then maybe you want something else for your life.  If you and your husband are willing, I would encourage you to do some therapy or counselling together.  You may enjoy this article to learn a little more about some factors that lead to connection or disconnection and that predict separation and divorce.

How can I get over the past in my relationship?

My boyfriend of five months expresses how much he cares for me and loves me, and I believe it. It has been one of the best relationships I have been in for a short period of time, but he has lied to me so much. He’ll tell me that he'll stop lying, and while he’s saying that, he's hiding something or lying about something. First, it was about a girl. He hid text messages and claimed she was a friend and it was a friendly conversation when it was a girl he once found interest in. Next was his ex-girlfriend. He put a fake contact name, and it was just friendly, but he lied to my face. All the time, he claims he never cheated and still expresses his love the same way and that he wants to change and do better.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-over-the-past-in-my-relationship

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

New York, New York...it's not your boyfriend's lying that concerns me the most; it's the lies you tell yourself. Verbal expressions are easy, but it's walking the walk that's more important in the end. When someone shows you what they're capable of, you can believe them. He's capable of being manipulative and deceitful, and he even lies as he's telling you he'll stop lying. What you're doing is called denial; when you see evidence of something but you choose not to believe the evidence. He might love you with his heart, but love, in the end, is a verb and is based on respectful, loving behaviours. My wish is that you start by believing in what you deserve.

My boyfriend wants me to sign a contract of things not to do

I was texting a guy who wasn't my boyfriend, and my boyfriend found out. We work together, so he went to work and told everyone I was cheating on him. I moved out of the house. There have been previous problems, and I feel like I'm usually the issue here. In order for us to move on, he wants me to sign this contract that he wrote out listing things he doesn't want me to do anymore. I'm wondering if this a healthy relationship to save or if I should walk away.

https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-wants-me-to-sign-a-contract-of-things-not-to-do

intimacy

Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT

https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario

Hi Dallas, While I think it's healthy for both members of a couple to have things that they need from each other and to talk about that, your situation sounds one-sided and rigid. Will you have a list too? There are elements of control here: humiliating you in front of coworkers, saying you have to sign the contract before you can move forward...does he decide when you move in and out? Your passive aggressive communications with the other man and your difficulty in knowing what direction you want also hint that maybe you don't have a voice in this relationship. Do you have a voice? If you are uncomfortable with the contract, are you listening to your own voice? If you can't hear your own voice, maybe it's time to sit down with a therapist and strengthen yourself so you can at least know what you feel and want.No relationship is all good or all bad (wouldn't that make it easy?) Relationships don't come with billboards that tell us what to do. They don't come with crystal balls that tell us what will happen (except that past behaviour is a good predictor). You have everything you need in order to make the best decision for you right now, except clarity, and his control may be what is making things muddy for you. You're too busy blaming yourself to see the situation clearly. A therapist can help you stop blaming yourself and see what your situation is.

I found my boyfriend talking to his ex-girlfriend

About a month ago, I went through my boyfriend’s phone and found him messaging his ex-girlfriend that he was dating before me. He gave her a promise ring when they were together, and he still had it hiding in his memory box in our son’s room. I found many things on his phone, but that broke my heart the most. He deleted all the messages but two. I can't help thinking they were talking about the old times together or something like that. It really kills me, and I can't stop thinking about it.

https://counselchat.com/questions/i-found-my-boyfriend-talking-to-his-ex-girlfriend

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Your sense of hurt is very understandable.Do you and your boyfriend have an agreement on looking through each other's phones?I ask because the overall problem sounds like lack of trust and that there may be a difference in what each of you wants and expects from your relationship.Probably if the two of you talk about these topics and you each become clear as to the commitment status of each of you to the other, you'll have more clarity as to what either of you would like from the other.With this new level of clarity, his  past relationship involvements will likely be less meaningful .Once you have clear definition of the two of you as a couple, who he was as a past partner to someone else, will matter very little.

How do I fix my marriage?

I have been married for 20 years. He and I both cheated. I hid my cheating for 14 years. Over that time, I let life stress me out. I became depressed. When I finally woke up, he felt I had pushed him out.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-fix-my-marriage-2

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Do you both want to fix the marriage?The relationship belongs to both of you so that one working without the other cooperating in this work too, will have one person who does all the changing.This dynamic itself creates problems of its own.About your husband telling you he feels pushed out, did he do anything on his own to address his problem of feeling like this?All you state is that he blames you for creating a situation he didn't like.If he did nothing because he felt unsure what to do, anything which shows he understands he has as vital a part in the marriage as you, is ok.Because affairs create mistrust between two people, the two of you would also need to be very aware to regain each other's trust.Talking as much as possible so you both know what goes on in the life of the other, how you each are feeling, what matters to you, is helpful to grow a new foundation for your marriage's future.

How can I like pets?

My boyfriend recently got a kitty. I hate cats in general, and he knows it. It grosses me out and makes me very upset when he pets his cat. I want to throw out the cat. I feel very jealous.

https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-like-pets

intimacy

Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW

https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw

Sorry for you and sorry for the cat because you're each in a tense position.What was the context of your boyfriend adopting a cat since he was aware that this would likely cause problems in the relationship with you?If you don't already know his answer, then find out.  Doing so will tell you a lot about your boyfriend's expectations about you.  Does he expect you to accept without question, whatever he does?  Does he care about your views?  Does a cat have some deep meaning for him that having one is essential to his life and he never told you so?Please don't be mean to the cat.  Its not the cat's fault for being in your boyfriend's care.There are plenty of other cats on this earth so throwing out the cat will not solve anything between you and your boyfriend.Who knows, your boyfriend may come back home with three more cats!Start with a conversation about your feelings and his interest in your feelings.