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llama_2k_jokes

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[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The first ladies of UK, Japan and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the private parts of their respective spouses. The first lady of UK says, \"It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room\" The lady from Japan says, \"It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back..\" The French lady says, \"It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down...\" Then Hilary says, \"It's like a rumor... it moves from one mouth to another...\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, \"Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?\" Bill didn't hesitate. He said, \"I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.\" The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, \"Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish.\" Bill thought for a minute and said, \"You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want.\" The Genie let out a long sigh and said, \"Lemme see that map again.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.\"Mr. President,\" said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, \"There's good news & bad news.\"\"Oh, no,\" muttered the President, \"Well, let me have the bad news first.\"\"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet.\"\"Gosh, and the good news?\"\"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 \" thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, \"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.\" \"That's nothing,\", said Bush. \"We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog.\" GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) Bo Derek thought - \"That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face.\" (2) Janet Reno thought - \"That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him.\" (3) Bill Clinton thought - \"George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me.\" (4) George Bush thought - \"I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.\"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!\" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: \"You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!\" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, \"This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!\" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, \"This is not what I was promised!\"An angel replies: \"I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene inWashington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason,they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin inthe Nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enoughasses to fill the stable." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none. Gore screamed for a revote. The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a revote. So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy and asks whether Bush is cheating. \"Yes,\" replied the spy, \"he's putting holes in the ice.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day, George bush travels to Afghanistan to attempt peace talks with Osama bin Laden. The two sit down to talk, and George asks him if peace was possible, then Osama bin Laden pushed a button, and a fist on a spring came out of the wall, and punched George in the face. George then asked if there was any way to settle their differences, and Osama pushed another button, and the fist hit George in the nuts. George then asked to reschedule the talks in Washington, Osama agreed, and pushed another button that ejected George out of his seat. The two sat down in the oval office in Washington D.C. to continue their talks. Osama claimed that filthy Americans were trying to take over the world, and George pressed a button and nothing happens. Osama than says, \"Very funny, you think you are smarter than me!\", George pushes another button and still nothing happens. Osama finished by stating no American is safe, and George pushed a third button, but once again, nothing happened. Osama then said, \"Enough of this nonsense, I need to go back to Afghanistan,\"George Bush simply replied, \"What Afghanistan?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a bureaucrat were bragging about how smart their dogs are.The engineer called to his dog, \"T-square, do your stuff\". The dog took out paper and pen, and drew a circle, a squareand a triangle. Everyone agreed he was smart.The accountant called, \"Sliderule, do your stuff\". The pooch went to the kitchen, got a dozen cookies and made four stacks of three. Everyone was impressed.The chemist called, \"Beaker, do your stuff.\" The dog went to the fridge for a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.The bureaucrat called, \"Coffee Break,do your stuff!\". Coffe Break ate the cookies, drank the milk, chewed the paper, claimed he injured his mouth doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation and took extended sick leave." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young lady goes to a new doctor for an examination, and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself ,\"How am I going to her that she has crabs?\"After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.She says, \"What?\"He again responds, \"Nixon's Disease.\"She says, \"Level with me, Doc, what does it mean?\"He responds, \"Well Miss Jones, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval orifice.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.\"Madam,\" said the sales manager, \"the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!\"She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, \"Nelson.\" The radio responded, \"Ricky or Willie?\" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying \"On The Road Again\" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.\"Idiot!\" she yelled and, from the radio, \"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: \"Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father.\" \"That notion is ridiculous!\" mocked George Jr. \"It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!\" ." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, \"You're beautiful.\" Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, \"You're cute.\" \"What happened to 'beautiful?'\" she asked him. \"The drugs are wearing off,\" he replied." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, \"Earthquake!\" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion. Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, \"Tornado!\" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, \"I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall.\" He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, \"Fire!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, \"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?\" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, \"Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?\" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. \"You really ARE Einstein!\" he says. \"Welcome to heaven!\" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, \"Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?\" Saint Peter says, \"Go ahead.\" Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. \"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!\" he says. \"Come on in!\" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, \"Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?\" George W. looks bewildered and says, \"Who are Einstein and Picasso?\" Saint Peter sighs and says, \"Come on in, George.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: \"Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There were 4 people: A Congress man, George Bush, Osama Bin Laden and a solider and they were all in a helicopter. The pilot said that someone needs to jump, so Osama jumps and says: \"this is for my country\". A couple minutes later the pilot says someone needs to jump so the congress man jumps and says : \"this is for my country\". So a few minutes later the pilot says someone needs to jump so the solider says: \"this is for my country\" and pushes George Bush out the window." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, \"Take this jar home and nbring me back a sample tomorrow.\" The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: \"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand. but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing.\" The doctor was stunned. \"You asked your neighbor?\" The old man replied, \"Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the darn jar open!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd, shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily. Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd, shaking hands, kissing babies, etc. \"That man's persistence yonder,\" observed one of the regulars, \"sure makes it easy to know who to vote for.\" \"Yep,\" another regular agreed. \"Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Monica L. had taken some clothes in to be cleaned. The attendant was an old man, hard of hearing. She was telling the man what she wanted, and was holding a dress while talking. The old man put a hand up to his ear, and said, \"Come again?\" \"No,\" said Monica, \"It's mustard this time!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven.Standing outside the perly gates ahe ask ST. Peter what all those clocks were for behind him. He says they are lie clocks everyone has one. He says see this one its Abe Lincolns the hands have only moved one time stateing that he only told one lie in his life. And this one is Mother Terasa's it hasnt moved at all showing she didnt tell not one lie. Hillary then ask well wheres Bills clock. To witch St. Peter replies its hanging in Jesus office he is useing it as a celing fan." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little boy goes to his dad and asks, \"What's politics?\" Dad says, \" Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.\" So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parent's room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to to his father \" I think I understand Politics now.\" The father replies, \"Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is.\" The boy promptly answers, \"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. \"Does this parrot talk?\" she asked. \"Yes, he does,\" the manager told her. \"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?\" \"Well, ma'am,\" the manager explained, \"not everyone would want to own this parrot since he spent years in a whore house and his language is somewhat foul.\" \"Well, I want him,\" she said. \"Suit yourself,\" the manager shrugged. When Hillary got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, \"New house, new madam.\" Hillary laughed. Soon, Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. \"New house, new whores,\" the parrot observed. Hillary explained the bird's history to Chelsea and her friend, so they too, laughed. Later, the President entered the living quarters. The parrot took one look at him and said, \"Hi, Bill!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Yo Mama\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "1.Yo mama is so poor that she has to chase down the garbage truck with a shopping list.2. Yo mamas so poor that i found in the dumpster and asked her what she was doing. She said \"Christmas shopping.\"3. Yo mama is so poor that she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In an effort to get away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spent relaxing weekends camping in their motor home. One day they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers. Talking it over, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their motor home: \"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Yo Mama\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yo mamma's so poor when i asked her what for dinner she put her foot on the table and said corn.Yo mamma's so hairy, bigfoot took pictures of her!Yo mamma's so fat, she has every cateror on speed dial." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Yo Mama\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your momma is so poor when somebody asked her where the bathroom was in her house, she said \"pick a corner.\"Youre momma is so dumb she tried to drown a fishYour momma is so dumb she stole free breadYour momma is so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved to deathYour momma is so dumb she took a spoon to the super bowlYour momma is so old Moses is in her yearbookYour momma is so fat her yearbook picture was taken by sateliteYour momma is so dumb when the baseball coach told her to run home with the ball, she literally ran home with the ball" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Yo Mama\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yo mama so stupid she tried to jump out the basement window.Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car.Yo mama so fat when she stands on the curb in her yellow raincoat people yell out \"TAXI\"." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yo Mama So old that I told her to act her age and she died. Yo Mama So old that when she was in school they didn't have history. Yo Mama So nasty she brought her own crabs to the beach. Yo Mama So ugly we tied a steak to her neck so she could play with the family dog. Yo Mama So stupid she thought a quarterback was a refund. Yo Mama So fat she played billiards with the planets. Yo Mama So fat she sat on a rainbow and made skittles. Yo Mama So fat she sat on a dollar and made change. Yo Mama So ugly that satan sent her back. Yo Mama So fat that your dad has to have a \"heavy machinary\" license to have sex. Yo Mama So poor that I walked in the front door and fell out the back. Yo Mama So poor that I borrowed your skateboard and she called the cops saying her car got stolen. Yo Mama So dumb she thought a harddrive was a rough road. Yo Mama So dumb she thought floppy disk was when her back hurt. Yo Mama So fat that when she sits around the house she sits \"around\" the house. Yo Mama So fat she bathes in the ocean. Yo Mama So fat she isn't allowed on the 2nd floor. Yo Mama So fat that she needed a blinkin light so planes woulden't hit her. Yo Mama So fat she seen a bus and thought it was a twinkie. Yo Mama So ugly she scared Michael Jackson. Yo Mama So poor she married Michael Jackson. Yo Mama So old that she birthed God. Yo Mama So fat she has to sit in the middle of the car." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Yo Mama\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "yo mama so dumb she so dumb that on her way to disney worldshe saw a sign that said disney world left so she turned around and went back home.yo mama so fat she makes godzilla look like an action figure.yo mama's breath stink so bad people look forward to her farts.yo mama so fat when the cops drove by and saw her on the corner they yelledhey you guys break it up.yo mams so fat her belt size is equatoryo mama so fat when her beeper goes off people think shes backing up." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Yo Mama\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "YO MOMMA...So ugly, yo daddy takes her to work so he dont have to kiss her goodbye.So fat, she jumped out of a tree and went straight to.. you know ! So fat, she wore heels once and struck oil!So fat, if she gained 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance.So po', I asked were the bathroom was and she said...\" 3rd bucket on the right\"So stupid, she asked what kind of jeans I was wearing, I said Guess. She said Levis." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Yo Mama\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk, \"What's with that guy over there by the wall\"? The clerk replies, \"Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative\". The owner yells, \"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives\"! The clerk says, \"Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough\"!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "1st Officer: \"Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?\" 2nd Officer: \"Who?\" 1st Officer: \"Janet Jackson!\" 2nd Officer: \"What she do, was she speeding?\" 1st Officer: \"Nah, she had one headlight out.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, \"Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!\" \"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!\" Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets. \"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.\" An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, \"I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!\" After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, \"I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job....\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, \"Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in.\" \"But we's privates,\" protests Jasper. \"We's sergeants now, \"says Leroy, pulling him inside. \"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.\" \"But we's privates,\" says Jasper. \"Are you blind, boy?\" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. \"We's sergeants now.\" So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. \"You're cute,\" she says, \"and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.\" Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, \"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign.\" So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. \"Jasper,\" he says, \"why did you give me the okay sign?\" \"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.\" He points to his stripes. \"But we's sergeants now!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Insults\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The invisible hand does it. A: None. \"There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again.\" A: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen. A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None. \"Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities. A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking. A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Science\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@ HOUSE!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.\"I'm not aware of your problem,\" the doctor said.\"So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.\"\"Of course,\" replied the patient.\"In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth...\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.\"Well,\" started Stallone, \"I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.\"\"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano\" said Willis. \"I'll play him.\"\"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,\" said Seagall. \"I'd like to play him.\"Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. \"Sounds splendid.\" Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, \"Who do you want to be, Arnold?\"So Arnold says, \"I'll be Bach.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Computer genderA marketing director for a prominent computer manufacturer was devising a new advertising campaign for his company. While researching consumer response to his product, he asked \"Naval ships are commonly referred to as 'she' or 'her'. What gender would you assign to your computer? Give four reasons to support your answer...\"A large group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: \"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, \"If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.\"\"I don't think I'll be there,\" the boy said.\"You don't even know your way to the post office.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say,they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "DOS: Defective Operating System.WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Falls Teenagers.ISDN: It Still Does Nothing.MACINTOSH: Machine Always Crashes. If Not, The Operating System Hangs" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.\"I have just the thing,\" says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. \"Just place this between your cheek and gum.\" The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, \"And what if I swallow it?\"\"No problem,\" says the barber. \"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "My wife came home yesterday and said, \"Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.\" I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.I thought for a moment, then said, \"You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.\"\"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor\" she insisted.\"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is the car?\"\"In the lake.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the \"Fasten Seat Belts\" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.\"Well,\" explained the girl, \"up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees.What would you do?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, \"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?\" The man says no.Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, \"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?\"The man replies, \"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.\"\"Well, that's really sad,\" says Bob, \"but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?\"\"No,\" the man replies, \"they're all at the funeral.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners.Reintarnation:Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Foreploy:Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.Giraffiti:Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.Sarchasm:The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.Inoculatte:To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.Hipatitis:Terminal coolness.Osteopornosis:A degenerate disease.Glibido:All talk and no action.Intaxication:Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, \"Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Music\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES1.Sag, You're It!2.Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy3.20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear4.Kick the Bucket5.Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over6.Doc, Doc Goose7.Simon Says Something Incoherent8.Hide and Go Pee9.Spin the Bottle of Mylanta10.Musical Recliners" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, \"Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later.\" \"That's mighty nice of you,\" Willis answered, \"but I don't think Pa would like me to.\" \"Aw come on boy,\" the farmer insisted. \"Well okay,\" the boy finally agreed, and added, \"but Pa won't like it.\" After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. \"I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.\" \"Don't be foolish!\" the neighbor said with a smile. \"By the way, where is he?\" \"Under the wagon.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A kid called up his mum from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mum said, \"Sure, sweetie. Mum will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?\"\"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k.\" Responded the kid.So Mum wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, \"Well how much did you give the boy this time?Mum said, \"Oh, I wrote 2 checks for him, one for $20, and the other for $1000.\"That's $1020!!!\" yelled Dad, \"Are you crazy???\"\"Don't worry hon,\" Mum said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, \"I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A martian landed in the country. He Went up to a farm house and knocked on the door. He told the farmer he would give him 1,000,000 dollars for his flock of sheep. The farmer said O.K. The martian pulled a tiny sheep out of his pocket and it ate all the sheep. The martian then offered the farmer $2,000,000 for all his cattle. He pulled a tiny cow from his pocket and it ate all the cattle. The farmer said, \"I will give you all the money back if you can pull a tiny republican from your pocket\"." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says \"Jane.. give me a double Matini\". Jane says \"What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!\" Tarzan says \"It's a jungle out there!\"\"When I'm out of red, I use blue.\" - Pablo Picasso" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Science\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their location. They are always looking for someone to break through to their market and make a real difference.One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, \"I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir.\"Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out.After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.\"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?\"\"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Emma and Geri were locked out of their car and were trying to open the door.Emma: \"I can't get it open!\"Geri: \"Well, hurry, because the top's down and it looks like it's going to rain!\"Q: Why does it take a Spice Girl 2 hours to drink orange juice?A: The carton says \"concentrate.\"Why do the Spice Girls write T.G.I.F. on their shoes?Toes Go In First." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three men languished in Purgatory.After a while, they began talking to one another.Eventually, they got around to the age-old question asked by internees everywhere: \"Whaddya in for?\"The first man sighed, rolled his eyes heavenward and said \"Allah forgive me!I am a Moslem, and I once drank beer with my lunch.\"The second man looked ruefully at his bound hands and said \"May the Master of the Universe be truly merciful!I am a Jew, and I had a ham-and-cheese sandwich for lunch.\"The third guy remained quiet for some time, staring at the floor in abject misery.The other two prompted him gently, and finally resorted to shaking him, shouting \"Come on man!What did you do that was so awful?\"The third guy, choking back a sob, said \"I guess I may as well tell you guys... you've been so honest with me.I'm an Episcopalian and, God help me, I used the wrong fork!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Music\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, \"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.\" A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: \"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?Golfer: \"Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?\"Caddy: \"Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mrs. Smith. You caught me off-guard.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, \"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names.\"His buddy hung his head. \"To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.\"I must say,\" says the executive, \"your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job.\"\"Yes,\" says the man.\"Well,\" continues the executive, \"there's not much positive in that.\"\"Hey!\" says the guy as he pokes the application. \"At least I'm not a quitter.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, \"Were they ALL dead?\"The old farmer replied, \"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, \"Grandpa, did God make you?\" \"He sure did honey, a long time ago,\" replies her grandpa. \"Well, did God make me?\" asks the little girl. \"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago,\" answers her grandpa. \"Boy,\" says the little girl, \"He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?A. A lobotomy.Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?A. Sue.Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?A. They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?A. Lipstick.Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?A. Skeet.Q. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...A. It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?A. In the city morgue.Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: Why are jokes about the Spice Girls so short?A: So that the girls themselves can understand them.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl in a university?A: A visitor.Q: Why was Emma so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle after 6 months?A: Because on the box it said: \"From 2-4 years\"." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill and Hilary Clinton were the guests of honor at the World Marching Girl and Drum Majorette Championships in New York.Hilary noticed that Bill had a smile on his face, so she said, \" Well honey, what are you smiling at?\"Bill replied, \"Honey, if I had another inch, I'd be pretty popular amongst them Marching Girls.\"A big smile came across Hilary's face. Bill said, \"What are you smiling about?\"Hilary replied, \"Bill, if you had one inch less, you'd be out there marching with them.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was when we were first married. Yes, it's cliche but it's true. It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery. She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an angel of light delivering divine revelation.\"Well,\" she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, \"I believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and love I feel are manifest in my cooking, in my gardening, in our children, in everything! I believe all things in life turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly.\"\"Damn, baby,\" I said, my head awhirl at the thoughts and sounds from the woman next to me. \"I'm going to call that shrink of yours and tell him he has finally nailed the combination of prozac, lithium and paxil.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The world's most widely seen warning label: \"Intel Inside\"Windoze 95/98 Tech Support response: \"It's not a bug, it's a feature.\"Apple: \"We may not do everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to change.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, \"Your first job will be to sweep out the store.\"\"But I'm a college graduate,\" the young man replied indignantly.\"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that,\" said the manager. \"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blind Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost. The owner replied, \"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help.\" So she did just that.After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, \"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00.\"The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she laid a stinky, sqeaky fart.The owner rang up the sale and said, \"That'll be fifty dollars.\" \"Fifty dollars?!?!\" the woman exclaimed. \"You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!\"\"Yes, I did\", said the owner, \"But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day George Bush, Bill Clinton and Bob Packwood decide to visit the Wizard of OZ. After a long travel along the yellow brick road they arrive at the Wizards Palace.When they meet the Wizard he tells them that they may each have one wish fulfilled. The Wizard asks George Bush what he would like, to which George responds \"I would like to have a heart\" and a heart is given to him. The Wizard asks Bill Clinton what he would like, to which Bill responds \"I would like to have a brain\" and a brain is given to him.The Wizard then asks Bob Packwood what he would like, to which Bob responds \"Uhmmmm is Dorothy anywhere around\"........" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. \"Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you.\"The man thought for a moment and said, \"I would like the following three things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title.\"The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job. \"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried,\" the Governor muttered.At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. \"Governor,\" the man said, \"is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?\"\"Certainly,\" the governor replied. \"But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.There is a merger in the works involving Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.Others in the works:3M & Goodyear = mmmGoodJohn Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere AbiHoneywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm HomeDenison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney OperaGrey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon PantsKnott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOWCrabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab AppleSwissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = SwisscheeseZippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, \"I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.\"The other guy responds proudly, \"Yes, that I am!\"The first guy says, \"So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?\"The other guy answers, \"I'm from Dublin, I am.\"The first guy responds, \"Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?\"The other guy says, \"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.\"The first guy says, \"Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?\"The other guy answers, \"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course.\"The first guy gets really excited, and says, \"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?\"The other guy answers, \"Well, now, I graduated in 1964.\"The first guy exclaims, \"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self.\"About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, \"It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Music\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced dream mobile.She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up.Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants.He demonstrates:\"Classical,\" he says. \"click\" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.\"Blues,\" she says, and \"click\" a B.B. King classic plays.She drives off amazed.\"Country,\" she says, and \"click\" a Garth Brooks tune comes on.\"Folk\" and \"click\" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.\"New Age\" and \"click\" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road.Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. \"JERK!!!\" she screams. \"click\" \"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends \"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him \"Father.\" The second Catholic woman chirps, \"My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, \"Your Grace.\" The third Catholic mother says, \"My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, \"Your Eminence.\" Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, \"Well?\" So she replies, \"My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2\", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, \"Oh my God!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.\"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,\" she said.\"What's your secret for a long happy life?\"\"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,\" he said. \"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and neverexercise.\"\"That's amazing,\" the woman said. \"How old are you?\"\"Twenty-six,\" he said." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The boss called in his star salesman and said, \"I notice on your last expense report you entered '$50 for women' I don't really mind you having a good time and entertaining our clients, but you should be more discreet. From now on list those expenses as being for hunting.\" After that, the salesman's expense account regularly included items of \"$50 for hunting.\" But then one month the first entry read, \"$300 for cleaning rifle.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, \"I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.Q: What do engineers use for birth control?A: Their personalities.Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold a road map the wrong way." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three old ladies were discussing the problems of getting older.One said, \"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonniaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.\"The second lady chimed in \"Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.\"The third responded, \"Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;knock on wood.\"As she rapped her knuckles on the table...she said, \"That must be the door, I'll get it.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Dear Bill, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter. Sincerely, Your future father-in-law P.S. Congratulations on winning the Lottery !!!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Top 13 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 13. \"They told me at the blood bank this might happen.\" 12. \"This is just a 15 minute power-nap that they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.\" 11. \"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper\" 10. \"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!\" 9. \"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!\" 8. \"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.\" 7. \"I was actually doing a \"Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan\" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.\" 6. \"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?\" 5. \"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.\" 4. \"The coffee machine is broken . . . \" 3. \"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!\" 2. \"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.\" And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. \"Amen\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The young reporter covering Isreali politics took an apartment within sight of the Wailing Wall. Each day she would watch the faithful pray.One rabbi in particular stood out, so fervent were his prayers.One evening she approached him;\"Rabbi, I'm a reporter from America, from my window, each day, I see you pray in the morning and evening at this wall faithfully and with great zeal. How long have you been doing this?\"\"I pray at the wall, twice a day for 30 years.\" was the reply.\"Tell me Rabbi, what is it that you pray for?\"\"I pray at the wall for peace. Peace of mind, peace among nations, peace among families, peace among friends, peace among all people. Each day, twice a day, I come to the wall and I pray.\" \"Tell me Rabbi, when you pray, are your prayers answered?\"What are you kidding? It's like talking to a wall!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island. The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off. One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last. The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said \"Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded \"Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too.\" The first man exclaimed \"Oh hell, there go my Sundays!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.One old lady turns to the other and asks, \"Do you still get horny?\"The other replies, \"Oh, sure I do.\"The first old lady asks, \"What do you do about it?\"The second old lady replies, \"I suck a lifesaver.\"After a few moments, the first old lady asks, \"Who drives you to the beach?" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERSIf a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.Quickly turn off the computer. . . . and be sure to tell your mom." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.The blondes applauded." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young military jet pilot a single engine F-16 American fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.The hotdog picked up his microphone and transmitted, \"Anything you can do, I can do better.\"The veteran bomber pilot answered, \"Try this hot-shot.\"The 4 engine B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.Perplexed, the hotdog asked, \"So? What did you do?\"\"I just shut down two engines.\"" } ]