conversations
listlengths 3
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three guys, a Canadian, Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are given one wish each by an Arabian genie.The Canadian says \", My family has been in farming for ten generations; I wish for all Canadian land to be fertile.\"POOF he gets his wish.Bin Laden says \", I love the land I live in and I don't want any horrors to enter, I wish for a wall to be built around Afghanistan.\"POOF he gets his wish.Uncle Sam says \", tell me more about this wall.\"\"Well, it is ten feet thick, 4,000 feet high and inpenetrable.\"\"Fill it with water.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, \"I'm going to a Halloween party, and I want to go as Adam.\" The girl brings out a fig leaf. But he says, \"Not big enough!\" So she brings out a bigger one. \"Still not big enough!\" So she brings out a HUGE fig leaf. \"Still not big enough!\" he proudly tells her. So she says, \"Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "1. \"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.\" 2. \"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.\" 3. \"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness\" 4. \"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!\" 5. \"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?\" 6. \"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.\" 7. \"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.\" 8. \"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?\" 9. \"Damn, there go the lights again....\" 10. \"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.\" 11. \"What do you mean you want a divorce?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, \"My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.\" \"What's the moral of the story?\" asked the teacher. \"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!\" \"Very good,\" said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, \"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, \"don't count your chickens before they're hatched.\" \"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?\" Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Mike. Uncle Mike was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then he killed the last ten with his bare hands.\" Good heavens,\" said the horrified teacher, \"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?\" \"Stay the hell away from Uncle Mike when he's been drinking.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg...so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: \"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.\" The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:\"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.\" Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:\"Dear Sir, since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their newChief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never beentaught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what theweather was going to be.Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that thewinter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the villageshould collect wood to be prepared.But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service andasked, \"Is the coming winter going to be cold?\"\"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,\" the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.One week later he called the National Weather Service again. \"Is it going to be a very cold winter?\"\"Yes,\" the man at National Weather Service again replied, \"it's going to be a very cold winter.\"The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every scrap of wood they could find.Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. \"Are youabsolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?\"\"Absolutely,\" the man replied. \"It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.\"\"How can you be so sure?\" the Chief asked.The weatherman replied, \"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. My wife headed for the British passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit. \"Pleasure,\" I replied. \"I'm on my honeymoon.\" The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. \"That's very interesting, sir,\" he said as he stamped my passport. \"Most men bring their wives with them.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. \"I'm not getting out of bed at this time,\" he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. \"Aren't you going to answer that?\" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. \"Hi there,\" slurs the stranger. \"Can you give me a push??\" \"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed,\" says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, \"That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?\" \"But the guy was drunk,\" says the husband. \"It doesn't matter,\" says the wife. \"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.\" So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, \"Hey, do you still want a push?\" And he hears a voice cry out, \"Yeah, please.\" So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, \"Where are you?\" And the drunk replies, \"Over here, on the swing.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal; you have to pay for it. IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK.....You have to share. IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK.....They are called supervisors."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Office Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. \"What's in the bags?\", asked the guard. \"Sand,\" said the cyclist. \"Get them off - we'll take a look,\" said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. \"Say friend, you sure had us crazy\", said the guard. \"We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?\" \"Bicycles!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bob and Dave would always meet each other for drinks after work. One day, Bob did not show. Dave became worried and was going to look for him when he ran into Bob at the door. Bob's hair was all mussed, his clothes were disheveled and grass-stained, and he was covered in sweat. Dave:Oh, man, are you okay? Did you get mugged? Bob:No, you won't believe what just happened to me. I was on my way over here by the railroad tracks and I saw this woman lying buck naked in the grass! Dave:No way! Bob:Oh, yeah! She had the most gorgeous body! Man, I did her every dirty way I could think of! Dave: No way! Did you get a BJ? Bob: Oh, no. She didn't have a head."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "a man goes on a trip to japan on business. inbetween sessions, he goes to play golf. he ends up having the worst day of his life. all double bogeys. a fellow golfer tells him the best way to correct this is to go get laid, so he will relax. he goes to the local, and goes at it. the lady spends the entire evening screaming, naha sari! over and over. the man then triumphantly returns, and at the first hole, he hits a hole in one! thinking of the night before , he smiles, and yells, naha sari! the man golfing with him looks and says, \"what do you mean wrong hole?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The judge asked the defendant to please stand. \"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.\"From out in the gallery, a man shouts, \"Lying bastard!\"\"Silence in the court!\" the Judge says to the man who shouted.He turns to be defendant and says, \"You are also charged with killing a jogger with a shovel.\"\"Damn tightwad!\" the same man in the gallery blurted out.\"I said QUIET!\" yelled the judge.To the defendant, \"You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.\"\"You four-flusher!\" the man from the gallery yelled.The judge thundered at the man in the galley, \"If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!\"The man answered, \"I've lived next door to that man for ten years now, and he never had a tool when I needed to borrow one!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Shortest Books Ever Written* 1000 Years of German Humor* Everything men know about women* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers* Italian War Heroes* Who's who in Puerto Rico* Americans' Guide to Etiquette* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages* Safe Places to Travel in the USA* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction* Contraception by Pope John Paul II* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. \"Well,\" Bubba began, \"We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'\" \"And then what happened?\" the officer interrupted. \"From what I remember,\" Bubba said, \"I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"Sixty is the worst age to be,\" said the 60-year-old. \"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!\"\"Ah, that's nothin',\" said the 70-year-old. \"When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toiletall day and nothin' comes out!\"\"Actually,\" said the 80-year-old, \"80 is the worst age of all!\"\"Do you have trouble peeing too?\" asked the 60-year-old.\"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.\"\"Do you have trouble crapping?\" asked the 70-year-old.\"No, I crap every morning at 6:30.\"With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, \"Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.So what's so tough about being 80?\"\"I don't wake up until 7:00!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "* Oops! * Has anyone seen my watch? * That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.* Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!* Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?* OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.* Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.* Come back with that! Bad Dog!* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?* Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie* If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.* Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?* Damn, there go the lights again...* Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!* Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.* I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.* Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.* Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?* What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!* What do you mean, he's not insured?* This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?* Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.* What do you mean \"You want a divorce\"!* I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.* Let's hurry, I don't want to miss \"Bay Watch\"* That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?* Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.* Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?* Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, \"And get me a whisky you cow!\" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, \"And get me another whisky you dolt!\". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, \"I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll whip the snot out of you!\". Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, \"For someone who can't fly you're a lippy guy!\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.\"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.\"So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, \"I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.\"\"Honey, what's for supper?\" No response.So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. \"Honey, what's for supper?\" No response.So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. \"Honey, what's for supper?\" No response.On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. \"Honey, what's for supper?\". No response.So he walks right up behind her. \"Honey, what's for supper?\"\"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.\"Come have a look over here\", says Bubba, \"It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.\"\"That's nothing\", says Earl, \"here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.\"Just then, Jeb yells out, \"But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!\"\"What was his name?\" asks Bubba.Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, \"Miles, from Georgia.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man who drank only beer all his life walked into his regular bar. He asks the bartender, give me a shot of wiskey fast. The bartender says to the man,you have been coming in here for years and all you drink is beer. What seems to be the trouble? The man replys: I just found out my first son is gay.The bartender says ,sorry to hear that. The man drank his drink and left. The next day the same man entered the bar. Bartender give me another shot make it a double! The bartender says what seems to be the problem today? The man repled, I just found out my second son is gay.The bartender replys sorry to hear that. The man drinks his drink and leaves. The next day the same man comes in and says: bartender give me the GODDMN bottle!! Then the bartender asks: doesn't anyone in your family like women? The man said: Yeah, my wife."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-releasedtheir great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their agingaudience. Some examples: Herman's Hermits: \"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker\" The Rolling Stones: \"You Can't Always Pee When You Want\" Credence Clearwater Revival: \"Bad Prune Rising\" Marvin Gaye: \"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts\" The Who: \"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication\" The Troggs: \"Bald Thing\" Carly Simon: \"You're So Varicose Vein\" The Bee Gees: \"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip\" Roberta Flack: \"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face\" Johnny Nash: \"I Can't See Clearly Now\" The Temptations: \"Papa Got a Kidney Stone\" ABBA: \"Denture Queen\" Leo Sayer: \"You Make Me Feel Like Napping\" Commodores: \"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom\" Procol Harem: \"A Whiter Shade of Hair\" The Beatles: \"I Get By With a Little Help From Depends\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: \"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?\" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, \"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?\" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: \"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There is a bear chasing a rabbit through the forest and they're running and running and they stop because a ginnie appears. The ginnie says \" if you two stop fighting and chasing each other i'll give you each three wishes\"They agree. The bear wishes first for the biggest \"package\" of all the bears in the whole forest.And his wish comes true. The rabbit then wishes for an unlimited supply of carrots. His wish is granted too. The bear's second wish is that all the bears in the forest , except him, are female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. The bear's last wish is that all the bears fall madly in love with him. The rabbit's final wish is that the bear becomes gay, and the rabbit jumps on his motorcycle and rides away."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in ananimated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them atfirst, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one ofthe men say the following: \"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I comeonce-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and peetwice. Then I come one lasta time.\" \"You foul mouthed swine,\" retorted the lady indignantly. \"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!\" \"Hey, coola down lady,\" said the man. \"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Ethnic Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eata lunch ata drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet. So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch. I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I go back to Italy."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three guys get to heaven,Bob, Larry and Bill, and before they enter St. Peter warns them \"whatever you do don't ever, ever, step on a duck. Once one quacks, they all do, and they make a terrible racket\". Bob enters heaven and immediately steps on a duck. So an angel comes up to him and chains a large hairy ugly woman to him for eternity, and says \" I told you not to step on a duck\". The next week Larry steps on a duck. An angel comes to him and chains a very ugly woman to him for eternity and says \"I told you not to step on a duck\". Bill hadn't stepped on a duck since he had gotten into heaven, then one day an angel comes up to him and chains a beutiful supermodel to him. He asked her why she was there and she turned to him and said, \" I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was an English man, Irish man And a Scottish man who all wanted to get into the RAF.So the English man went up to the Sargeant and asked him how to get in the RAF so the Sargeant told him you had to go blow up a building without anyone seeing him.So that night he went to blow up a building and he went up to the Sargeant and said 'I've blown up a building without anyone seeing me and Sargeant said 'How many letters in the alphabet' and he replied '26' so the Sargeant said 'right your in' and the next day the Scottish man did the same and replied with 26 so he was in too.And the day after the Irish man went and did the same but replied with 24 so the sargeant said 'You must be bonkers cause theres 26' but the Irish man said 'You must be bonkers because I've just blown down B & Q!'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There are three guys in a sauna. All of a sudden there is a beep. so guy number one slaps his hand, and guy number two asks what that was. Guy one says he got his beeper implanted in his hand. He goes off and reurns his call. A little while later he comes back and hears a cell phone jingle, and guy number two puts his hand up to his ear and starts talking. Later, guy number three who was not to up to date on this new technology asks what that was about. Guy two said he got his cell phone implanted in his hand, because he kept losing it. Guy number two walks out of the sauna and says he has to get one up on theese guys. He returns to the sauna and has three feet of toilet paper hanging out of his butt. At the same time guy one and guy 2 ask what is that, so guy 3 says Don't bother me- I'm receiving a FAX."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Office Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walk up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.The woman imediately goes to her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and proceeds to explain why.The suervisor is puzzled by this time and says, \"What's wrong with your co-worker complimenting on ow your hair smells?\"The woman replies.\"He's a midget\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly. \"Do you sell Viagra here?\"The pharmacist answers firmly, \"Yes, Sir. We certainly do.\"The man then asks \"Do you think i could get it over the counter?\"The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, \"perhaps, if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This guy walks into a bar and ask the bar tender for a drink. He gets his drink and minds his own business and looks up and down the bar. To his amazement, he is stunned to see a 10' pianist on top of the bar. \"Hey bartender,\" he says...\"What is that 10' pianist doing on top of your bar?\" \"Well, you see this lamp?\" asks the bartender. \"Rub this lamp and you can make a wish, and you will see why I have a 10' pianist on the bar.\" So the man rubs the lamp and he wishes for a million bucks. All of a sudden, the doors pop open and a million ducks come flying into the bar. \"Hey wait a minute!\" says the man. \"I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks.\" The bartender looks at him and says...\"I didn't want a 10' pianist either.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says \"Got any grapes?\" The bartender says \"No\" so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and says \"Got any grapes?\" The bartender says \"No\" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says \"Got any grapes?\" The bartender says \"Look duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any yesterday, and we definitely won't have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor.\" So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks \"Got any nails?\" The bartender says \"No.\" Then the duck says \"Oh good. Got any grapes?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies \"I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, \"Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.\" And the owner says \"Sold,\" and hands over the cat. The collector continues, \"Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to eat and it'll save me from having to get a dish.\" And the owner says, \"Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at \tbreakfast. \tAs he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his \twife, \t\"You aren't that good in bed either!\" \tBy midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned \thome. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered \tthe phone. \t\"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?\" \t\"I was in bed.\" \t\"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?\" \t\"Getting a second opinion.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"English\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should \t1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. \t2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. \t3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. \t4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. \t5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. \t6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the \"open here\" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. \t7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper. \t 8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. \t9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. \t10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "How To Tell When You're Really Old: You find yourself listening to talk radio. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. When jogging is something you do to your memory. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. All the cars behind you flash their headlights. You remember the \"Rolling Stones\" as a rock group not a corporation. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes. You actually ASK for your father's advice. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, \"Did you find out what is wrong with my car?\" The mechanic replies, \"It looks like you've blown a seal.\" \"No, no,\" says the penguin. \"It's just ice cream, I swear!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was this Magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captains parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience. After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happen that the Magician went overboard and managed to hold one a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says \"Ok, what did you do with the ship?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, \"I built a big house for our mother.\" The second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes.\" The third smiled and said, \"I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.\" Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: \"Milton,\" she wrote one son, \"The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!\" \"Gerald,\" she wrote to another, \"I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.\" \"Dearest Donald,\" she wrote to her third son, \"You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. \"What is your name?\" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. \"John,\" the new guy replied. The manager scowled, \"Look, I don't know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?\" The new guy sighed and said, \"Darling. My name is John Darling.\" \"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm. A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan: \"First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuahua will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...\" Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun? \"Well,\" explained the experienced gorilla retriever, \"It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof, the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball, shoot the dog.\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Once upon a time there was a priest and a nun that were traveling on a camel. On a desert. Then in 3 months the camel dies. So the priest and the nun were stuck with each other alone. The priest find no other way to survive.So he says,\" I'm going to show you something that you never seen before.\" So he pulls out his thing and says,\"this is my tool of giving life.\" So the nun says,\"really then stick it in the camel so we can get the hell out of here."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an \"A\" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. \"Cool,\" they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, \"this is going to be easy.\" Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. \"T-Square, do your stuff.\" T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, \"Slide Rule, do your stuff.\" Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, \"Measure, do your stuff.\" Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, \"Coffee Break, do your stuff!\" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, \"Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck,\" shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, \"Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck.\" He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, \"Go see if that was a duck.\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up,he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: \"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?\" Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: \"No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: \"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.\" Doyle said: \"This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.\" \"There is one other thing,\" the driver said. \"What is that?\" \"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, \"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.\" \"Dear,\" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, \"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A photographer, who was also a confirmed athiest, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.While snapping shots, the athiest heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the athiest saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the athiest cried out, \"Oh, God, no!\"And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the athiest heard a booming voice say, \"Young man. For years you doubted my very existance, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?\"And the athiest thought for a moment, and said, \"Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?\" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, \"Done.\"And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, \"Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: \"Look, it's not the same hat.\" \"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.\" \"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?\" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: \"OK, I give up. Where's the boat?\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each other's friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, \"Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't.\" The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, \"How soon do you have to know?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy goes into a bar and says \"Bartender give me ten shots of tequila.\" Bartender says \"Ok\". So he lines them up side by side on the counter. The guy drinks them up really quick. The bartender says \"Man you must be having a really good day today!\" The guy says \"Yeah, I just got my first blowjob today.\" The bartender says \"Well, let me buy you the eleventh one on the house.\" The guy says \"No, if ten can't get the taste out of my mouth eleven ain't gonna do it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.The first said, \"I built a big house for our Mother.\" The second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\" The third smiled and said, \"I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.\"Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: \"Milton,\" she wrote one son, \"the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\" \"Gerald,\" she wrote to another, \"I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!\" \"Dearest Donald,\" she wrote to her third son, \"you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. \"You've got to have a room somewhere,\" he pleaded, \"or just a bed, I don't care where.\" \"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,\" admitted the manager, \"and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.\" \"No problem,\" the tired Navy man assured him, \"I'll take it.\" The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. \"How'd you sleep?\" asked the manager. \"Never better.\" The manager was impressed. \"No problem with the other guy snoring?\" \"Nope, I shut him up in no time,\" said the Navy guy. \"How'd you manage that?\" asked the manager. \"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,\" the sailor explained. \"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, \"what's with the spoon?\"The waiter said,\"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, \"I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else\". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, \" hey, there's a string on your pants\". The waiter tells him, \" not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.\" The husband was impressed, but asked, \" it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?\". The waiter leaned close and whispered, \" well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The hunchback of notre dame dies so they need to find a new bell-ringer. this guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it. \"but you've got no arms!\" everyone explains. He says I'll use my mouth. So he uses his mouth to ring the bell and goes flying out of the window because the bell is so heavy.He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers.\"who's that guy?\" one person says. \"I dunmno, but his face rings a bell!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, \"But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed.\" Exasperated, the Pope answered, \"Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Blind Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, \"Ma'am did you know you were speeding?\" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, \"What did he say?\" The old man yells, \"He says you were speeding!\" The patrolman says, \"May I see your license?\" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, \"What did he say?\" The old man yells, \"He wants to see your license!\" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, \"I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.\" The woman turned to her husband and asked, \"What did he say?\" And the old man yells, \"He said he knows you!\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "How Dogs and Men Are the Same 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. 7. Neither does any dishes. 8. Both fart shamelessly. 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 10. Both like dominance games. 11. Both are suspicious of the postman. 12. Neither understands what you see in cats. How Dogs Are Better Than Men 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone. 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous. 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw). 7. You can train a dog. 8. Dogs are easy to buy for. 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you). 10. Dogs understand what \"no\" means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods. They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper's buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can't play toward the green at all. \"Damn!\" the man says, \"I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I'll make five at best.\" But his wife, who had been looking things over, said \"Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green.\" The man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot. A year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building. As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, \"Wait, look we can open these double doors and...\" \"No way,\" the man says, cutting him off. \"I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a six.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A new preacher told his wife he was going to preach on water skiing,she said you can't preach on water skiing. if you do i am not going, so she stayed home in the house behind the church as the preacher listened to the singing and got ready to preach and thought I don't know anything about water skiing I will preach on sex,after church a deacon walked by the house and told the preachers wife it sure was a good sermon.and the preachers wife said am really surprised he only tried it twice and fell off both times."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day a blonde was golfing. She hit the ball into the sand and went to retrieve it. She was just bending down to get it when she heard a small voice\" If you pick me up I will grant you three wishes.\" \"ok\" she agreed. She picked him up and he said\" Whatever you wish your husband will get 20 times more\" \"alright, for my first wish I want to be beautiful and flawless\" \"Ok that can be done but remember your husband will 20 times more beautiful!\" \"ok\" She became beautiful.\"For my second wish I would like to have a trillion dollars\" \"Ok remember about your husband!\" \"I dont mind\" The blonde felt a wad of money grow in her pocket. \"ok for my last wish I would like to have a small, tiny very little heartattack\" \"Ok but your husband will get 20 times...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were sitting in the OB/GYN's office and the brunette and the redhead were discussing whether they were having boys or girls.The redhead said that she was on top and the doctor said that was how to get pregnant with a boy.The blonde, listening, began to cry.The brunette said that she was on the bottom and the doctor said that was how to get pregnant with a girl.The blonde then began crying in earnest.The brunette and redhead rushed over and asked her what was wrong. The blonde said, \"Red is having a boy, you are having a girl and I have just figured out that I am having puppies!!!!!!!!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Office Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "a chinese guy,a white guy, and a black guy all get a job at the same place.the boss comes out and says,\"i'm leaving for awile,and when i get back i want to see this place swept,and that pile of dirt out front shoveled and in five diffrent piles.\" so he tells the white guy,\"you are in charge of sweeping.\" he tells the black guy,\"your in charge of shoveling.\" and finally he tells the cinese guy,\"your in charge of the supplies.\" he leaves and comes back in about three hours and sees nothing done. so he asked the white guy,\"why didn't you do anything?\" he replies,\"i would have but the chinese guy didn't give me a broom.\" so he askes the black guy,\"why haven't you done anything?\" he also replies,\"the chinese guy didn't give me a shovel.\" so he goes to look for the chinese guy, but he couldn't find him. finally he walks over to the pile of dirt and the chinese guy hopped out and said,\"supplies!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?' 'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!'."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Science\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, \"It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30!\" The second then asked, \"Can you get it over the counter?\" \"You probably could, if you took two pills\", said the first man."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a little boy who lived on a farm. One morning when he got up from bed his mother told him he needed to start doing his chores around the farm. The little boy said he would take over the chores for his dad. So he went to the barn and milked the cow when he was done he kicked the cow right in the ass. Then he went and fed the pig, when he was done he kicked the pig in the ass. Then he went to feed the chicken, when he was done he kicked the chicken in the ass. After the chores were done the little boy went into the house and said to his mother \"The chores are done I want some breakfast\". So the mom put a dry bowl of cereal down in front of the little boy, he said, \"What about the milk?\", and the mother replied \"You can't have any milk because you kicked the cow in the ass\". The little boy said, \"Well how about some bacon?\" the mother replied, \"You can't have any bacon because you kicked the pig in the ass\". The little boy said \"Can I at least have an egg?\" The mother replied, \"No, you kicked the chicken in the ass\". In walks his father, who kicked the cat, and the little boy said to his mother \"Do you want to tell him or should I?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary `s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. \"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?\" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. \"You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him,\" he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. The she replies, \"Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.\"Mother, I want to quit the veil.\"\"But why, my child?\"\"To become a prostitute.\"\"What? What are you saying?\"\"I said I want to become a prostitute, mother.\"\"Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'' Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?'' The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.'' And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.'' And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'' And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: 'Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.'The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says 'Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... \"God, what does a million years mean to you?\" The Lord replies, \"A minute.\" Einstein asks, \"And what does a million dollars mean to you?\" The Lord replies, \"A penny.\" Einstein asks, \"Can I have a penny?\" The Lord replies, \"In a minute.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a priest who was drowning in the ocean. He called out to God for help. All of a sudden, a canoe came and the guy said \"Father, let me help you\". The priest replied \"No, no my son. The Lord will save me.\" The canoe leaves and the father calls out to God again. All of a sudden, a yacht showed up. The captain said \"Father, let me help you\". The priest again replied \"No my son, the Lord will save me\". The yacht leaves and the father is calling out to God again. All of a sudden, a big cruise ship showed up. The captain said with a megaphone \"Father,let us help you\". The priest again replied \"No my son, the Lord will save me.\" The priest drowns and he's in heaven face to face with God. He said \"My Lord. I called out to you but you didn't help me. Why?\" God replied: \"I did help you. I sent you three ships\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down. \"What was that for?\" the Chinese man asked. \"That was for Pearl Harbor!\" the Jewish man said. \"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese.\" \"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!\" \"Oh!\" They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground. \"What was that for?\" the Jewish man asked. \"That was for the Titanic!\" \"The Titanic? That was an iceberg.\" \"Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says \"Father forgive me for I have sinned.\" The priest asks \"What did you do?\". The woman says \"I committed adultery.\" Priest: \"How many times?\" Woman: \"Three times.\" Priest: \"Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.\" A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says \"Father forgive me for I have sinned.\" Priest: \"What did you do?\" Man: \"I committed adultery.\" Priest:\"How many times?\" Man: \"Three times.\" Priest: \"Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.\" The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says \"Father forgive me for I have sinned.\" Rabbi: \"What did you do?\" Woman: \"I committed adultery.\" Rabbi: \"How many times?\" Woman: \"Once.\" Rabbi: \"Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying \"Jesus is watching you\". He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, \"Jesus is watching you.\" Freaked out, he shone his light around, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. \"Did you say that?\" he hissed at the parrot. \"Yep,\" the parrot confessed, \"I'm just trying to warn you.\" The burglar relaxed. \"Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?\" \"Moses,\" replied the bird. \"Moses\" the burglar laughed. \"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?\" \"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus,\" the bird answered."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. \"And so,\" says St. Peter, \"have you ever had any contact with a man's member?\" \"Well,\" says the first Nun in line, \"I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.\" \"OK\" says St. Peter, \"Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.\" The next Nun admits that \"Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.\" \"OK\" says St. Peter, \"Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.\" Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. \"Well now, what's going on here?\" says St. Peter. \"Well, your excellency,\" says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, \"If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her rear in it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.\"God? You there, God?\" he asked\"Yes. What is it, my son?\" God answered.\"Mind if I ask a few questions?\" the man asked.\"Go ahead, my son, anything.\"\"God, what is a million years to you?\"God answered, \"A million years to me is only a second.\"The man asked, \"God, what is a million dollars worth to you?\"God replied, \"A million dollars to me is worth only a penny.\"The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. \"God, can I have a penny?\"God answered, \"Sure, give me a second.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The head of the monastery wanted to check how strong his priests are in resisting temptetion. He called 3 of them to his room, and ordered them to put a small bell on their member. After that, he went to the first guy, and showed him a picture of a gorgeous naked girl. \"Gling Gling\", went the bell, and the head of the monastary was furious: \"you call yourself a monk? you are as weak as a baby!\". He went then to the second guy, and showed him a cover of a dirty porn movie. \"Gling Gling\", went the bell. \"you are a disgrace! get out of my sight!\". Almost in complete dispair, he went to the thirs guy and showed him a cover of a porn-magazine. There was silent. \"Way to go, son, you are the only man here worth to be call a monk\", the head of the monastery said, while putting his hand on him. \"Gling Gling\", went the bell."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and wastaking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if hecould drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn'thave much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the backof the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see whatthe limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM !, there arethe blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well thetrooper, seeing who it was, says \"just a moment please I needto call in.\" The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief\"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I needto know what to do.\" The chief replys \"Who is it, not Ted again ?\" The trooper says, \"No, even more important.\" The chief replys, \"It's the Governor, is it ?\",the trooper replys \"No, even more important.\" \"It's isn'tthe President is it ?\" \"No, more important\", replys the trooper. \"Well WHO the HECK is it !\", screams the chief. \"I don't know \" says the trooper. \"But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, \"I'm not very busy, today, why don't you let me show you around?\"The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.The guy asks, \"What's up with these clocks?\"St. Peter explains, \"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.\"The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?St. Peter explains, \"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.\"This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, \"What's the story with that clock?\"\"Oh, that,\" St. Peter replies, \"That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.Finally, the Lawyer asked, \"Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?\"The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, \"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a priest who decided to enter a monastery. This monastery had strict vows of silence. On his first day, the head abbot told him he could only speak two words every ten years.At the end of his first ten years, the head abbot told him he could speak his first two words. \"Bed hard!\" he said. The abbot recorded this in a book.At the end of his second ten years, he was told he could speak his next two words. \"Food bad!\" he said. The abbot recorded this in the book as well.At the end of the third ten years, he was allowed to speak his next two words. \"I quit!\" he stated.\"Well that doesn't surprise me,\" said the abbot. The record shows you've done nothing by complain for the past thirty years!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, \"So, how's it going down there in Hell?\" Satan replied, \"Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\" God was surprised, \"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.\" \"No way,\" replied Satan. \"I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him.\" God threatened, \"Send him back up here now or I'll sue!\" Satan laughed and answered, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter. \"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?\" St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, \"How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year.\" God shook His head before saying, \"No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.\" \"Hmmm,\" St. Peter reflected. \"Well, how about Mercury?\" \"No way!\" God muttered. \"It's way too hot for me there!\" \"I've got it,\" St. Peter said, his face lighting up. \"How about going down to Earth for your vacation?\" Chuckling, God remarked, \"Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.“Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.” Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Bholaji goes back to the temple. \"Bhagwan please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.” Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck. Back to the temple he goes. \"My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?\"Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Bholaji is confronted by the voice of God: \"Bholaji, buy a damn lottery ticket first.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. \"No thank you, the Lord will save me!\" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away. The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. \"No thank you, the Lord will save me!\" he said again, and the man rowed away. The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in or he'll drown. \"No thank you,\" the man said again, \"The Lord will save me!\" After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven where he met God. \"Lord, I don't understand,\" he told Him, frustrated, \"The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn't! Why?\" The Lord just shook his head and said, \"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members: -Fire Insurance Inside -This Church Is Prayer Conditioned -God Answers Knee Mail -PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush! -Sign broken, come inside for message -This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R! -Regis isn't the only on to offer a lifeline -Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme -Wal-Mart's not the only savings place -The best position is on your knees!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, \"I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!\" The angel replies, \"Sorry. I didn't recognize you.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. \"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle,\" the priest said. \"Tell me where is this man now?\" \"Flat on his butt over by the holy water,\" said the boy."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.\"But--where is your beard?\" asks his mother upon seeing him.\"Mama,\" he replies, \"in America, nobody wears a beard.\"\"But at least you keep the Sabbath?\"\"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath.\"\"But kosher food you still eat?\"\"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher.\"The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, \"Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This lady approaches a priest and tells him, \"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.\" \"What do they say?\" the priest asked. \"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'\" \"That's terrible!\" the priest exclaimed, \"But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.\" \"Thank you,\" said the lady. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, \"Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?\" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, \"Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. One was terribly pessimistic, and the other equally optimistic. One Christmas their father hit upon a way to cure them of their differences. He went out and bought the fanciest, most exciting train set for the pessimistic boy. For the optimist he got a Christmas stocking and filled it with horse manure. Christmas morning came, and after the boys had opened their gifts, the dad asked each what Santa Claus had brought him. \"Well,\" said the pessimist, \"I got a train set, but I'll probably cut myself putting the track together, and it's got an electric transformer, so I'll probably electrocute myself, and, besides, the whole thing will probably break in a week.\" The dad was pretty disappointed that he had failed to cheer up the pessimist, but figured he may still have cured the optimistic boy. \"What about you, son,\" he asked the optimist. \"What did you get?\" \"I got a pony!\" he exclaimed, jumping up and down with excitement. \"Only I haven't found it yet!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely. \"God dammit, I missed,\" says the doctor. The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast. \"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain,\" says the priest. \"I am sorry, Father,\" replies the doctor. The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again. \"God dammit, I missed,\" says the doctor. The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land. \"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain,\" says the priest. \"I am sorry, Father,\" replies the doctor. Once again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, \"God dammit, I missed.\" The heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead. Then a booming voice arose from the sky and said, \"Dammit, I missed.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. The first said, \"I built a big house for our mother.\" The second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\" The third said, \"I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.\" Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, \"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\" She wrote to the second son, \"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude.\" She wrote to the third son, \"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A sampling of the best lightbulb jokes: Q. How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Seven. One to change the lightbulb, one to say the opening prayer, one to say the closing prayer, and four to bring green jello salads and red punch. Q. How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb? A. We can't know. Q. How many motivational speakers does it take to change a light bulb? A. One to do it and every other one on earth to stand around saying that they did it first in the 80's. Q. How many deists does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. If the light bulb no longer interferes with the world, why bother interfering with the light bulb?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A burglar was cruising through a posh suburb looking for an opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal. \"I see you and Jesus sees you,\" a voice said. The burglar froze in his tracks.\"I see you and Jesus sees you,\" the voice said again.When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shined it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.\"I see you and Jesus sees you.\"The burglar laughed. \"Just a dumb bird,\" he said. The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch.\"Sic him, Jesus!\" the parrot said"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, \"So, how's it going down there in Hell?\" Satan replied, \"Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\"God exclaimed, \"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.\"\"No way,\" replied Satan. \"I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.\"God threatened, \"Send him back up here now or I'll sue!\"Satan laughed and answered, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three couples -- one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed -- wanted to join a church. The priest said, \"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.\" The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, \"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?\" The old man replied, \"No problem at all, Father.\" \"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!\" said the priest.The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, \"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?\" The middle-aged man replied, \"The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it.\" \"Congratulations! Welcome to the church,\" said the priest.The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, \"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?\" \"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,\" the young man replied sadly.\"What happened?\" inquired the priest.\"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,\" said the young man. \"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.\"\"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,\" stated the priest. \"We know,\" said the young man. \"We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "1. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.2. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.3. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, \"Break Forth Into Joy.\"4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.5. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be \"What Is Hell?\" Come early and listen to our choir practice."
}
] |
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