conversations
listlengths 3
3
|
|---|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A catholic priest was giving confession one day when members of hiscongregation walked in and said, \"Forgive father for I have sinned...Icheated on my husband/wife this week and I have no one else to turn to.\"The priest would reply, \"You are forgiven my child...but try to keep fromrepeating this sinful nature.\"Sunday morning comes and he decides to direct his sermon to all of thosepeople who had committed adultery. The congregation was observant in thepriest's actions because he said if they couldn't do better than this hewould leave the church. The congregation liked the minister, so they came upwith a code word for every time they had committed adultery...they would gointo confession and say that they had \"fallen\" that week.A couple of years later, that priest had died and was replaced. It came timefor the new priest to do confessions and he noticed that many of his memberswere coming in, saying they had \"fallen\". The new priest was concerned abouthis congregation and took it upon himself to go to the courthouse and talkto the mayor.The priest walks into the mayor's office and says, \"Mr. Mayor, you have todo something about your sidewalks and walkways in the community.\"The mayor looking puzzled asks, \"Sidewalks?\" The priest says, \"Yeah. Many of your citizens have fallen this week!\"The mayor realizes what the priest is talking about and says, \"There's noneed to be concerned father. Don't worry about it and go home.\"The priest replied, \"No need to worry about it...I think if anyone should beworried it should be you; even your wife has fallen 3 times this week.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.\"Oh, yes,\" she replied. \"Never sell that cow!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One beautiful morning a athiest was walking through the forest, admiring natures surroundings...He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...He saw the river glisten in the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside...He thought to himself that mother nature had made a true and wonderful world...The athiest had walked a little further down the track he had taken when suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of him and started growling, looking hungry and ran quickly towards him...Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and started running as fast as he could away from the bear...Knowing that the bear would catch up to him and he had no chance, the athiest soon ran out of breath and in a few paces fell to the ground... As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws come down upon his chest, the athiest screamed \"oh help me god\"Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying...The river he loved suddenly stopped flowing..And the sky opened up and a voice begun to speak..\"I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, i am here for every being on this earth\"The athiest felt relieved a little bit and asked god...\"Im sort of in this situation, im only asking if you can help me get out of it\"God thought for a moment and said...\"I will give you one wish to help you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish\"The athiest thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to god..\" Well i dont really want to become a christian, so i wish the bear to become a christian\"God spoke...\"So be it done\"Suddenly the sky closed up...The river turned back into its flowing glory...The trees began to sway again...And the bear clapped his paws together and said...\"Thankyou god for this meal im about to recieve\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three preachers and their wives were killed in a car accident, upon their arrival at the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter.The first preacher walked up and said\" Hello St. Peter, I'm ready to come in\".St. Peter checked his list and said\" I'm sorry your name is not in the book.\"\"What!\" exclaimed the preacher,\" I have been a preacher for thirty years!\" \"Yes\" replied St. Peter,\"However,you are guilty of glutteny, you loved food and sweets so much you even married a woman named Candy.\"The pastor,defeated took his wifes hand and walked away.The next preacher came up to the St. feeling pretty certain he would be allowed in. \"I'm ready to come in St. Peter\" he said with a smile.\"I'm sorry, your name is not in the book.\" \"HOw can that be?\" asked the preacher, \"I have been a pastor for 20 years!\" You are guilty of the sin of greed, you loved money so much, you married a woman named Penny.\" Defeated, the preacher took his wifes hand and walked away. The last preacher, certain of the out-come, turned to his wife and said, \"Come on Fanny, I'm not gettin' in.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Jesus is crucified, hanging on the cross up on a hill. Below the hill there is a crowd of onlookers, including St. Peter. \"Peter! Peter! I need to tell you something\" Jesus cries. So Peter, devoted to his Lord, breaks from the crowd towards the hill only to be stopped by a group of Roman soldiers, beat up and thrown back down.\"Peter! Please, I need to tell you something!\" Jesus cries.Again, full of faith and love for Christ, he runs up the hill and almost gets past the soldiers. But, he's caught, beat up again and tossed back into the crowd. Finally, Jesus screams \"Peter, I must tell you something. Please, come to me!\"Peter, sorrowed by his Lord's suffering, runs up the hill bloody and bruised and finally makes it past the soldiers. He kneels in front of Jesus: \"Here I am my lord, your faithful servant. What is it that you need to tell me?\"Jesus smiles and says \"Yo, I can see my house from up here.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A sales representative from a major chicken producer is sent on a mission to the Vatican.He meets with the Pope: \"Holy Father, my company would like to make a substantialdonation to the Holy Mother Church - but there's only one condition....\"\"Yes, my son?\"\"We'd like you to authorize changing the Lord's Prayer from \"Give us this day our dailybread to give us this day, our daily chicken.\"\"I don't know my Son. Tradition and all, you know.\"\"Well your Holiness, we are prepared to give you a Million dollars to do this.\"\"I don't know my Son. Tradition and all, you know.\"So, the chicken man, hurries off for a quick phone call to his boss and he comes back.\"Your Worship, I am authorized to go up to one Billion dollars if you change \"Give us thisday our daily bread, to give us this day our daily chicken.\"The Pope shrugs with a smile and says, \"Well, now, my Son, give me a call tomorrow.\"Later that day the Pope has a big meeting with his Cardinals, Bishops, Prieststhe whole Vatican family is there.He says to them, \"Boys, I gotta some a good news, and I gotta some a bad news....\"\"The good news is that the Holy Mother Church has come into one Billion dollars!!\"(CHEERING! APPLAUSE! BRAVO! BRAVO!!!)\"Boys, the bad news is that we have lost the Wonderbread account!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. \"Reverend,\" she said, \"I have a problem, myhusband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's veryembarrassing. What should I do?\"\"I have an idea,\" said the minister. \"Take this hatpin with you.I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I willmotion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him agood poke in the leg.\"In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticingthis, the preacher put his plan to work. \"And who made theultimate sacrifice for you?\" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.\"Jesus!\", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with thehatpin.\"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,\" said the minister. Soon, Mr.Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. \"Who isyour redeemer?\" he asked the congregation, motioning towardsMrs. Jones.\"God!\" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.\"Right again,\" said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did notnotice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a fewmotions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet herhusband with the hatpin again.The minister asked, \"And what did Eve say to Adam after she borehim his 99th son?\"Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, \"You stick thatgoddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in halfand shove it up your ass!\"\"Amen,\" replied the congregation."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Pope and the manager from Taco bell were talking one day and the man goes we will give you one million dollars if you change the lords prayer from bread to taco. The Pope goes no my people in Rome wouldn't be happy. The man from Taco Bell goes how about one billion dollars? The Pope say's no beder not. The Man goes last of is one trillion dollars. The Popes eyes lite up and say's ok. The Popes goes to Rome and say's I have some good news and bad news the good news is we made one trillion dollars the bad news is we lost our deal with wonder bread."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man joining a monestary was told he was to take a vow of silence and was only to be allowed to speak two words every five years.After the first five years had passed he walked into the chambers of the head Monk and said \"Bed Hard\", then turned and walked out. After the next five years passed he returned to the chambers of the head Monk and said \" Food Cold \", then turned and walked out. After the next five years had passd he once again entered the chambers of the head Monk and said \"I Quit\". The head Monk looked at him and replied. \"Well, that doesn't surprise me one bit, you've done nothing but complain since you got here\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A black preacher and a white preacher went on a hillside to find out if God was black or white. The white preacher askes, \"God, are you black or white\"? God responds, \"I Am that I Am\". The white preacher says \"He's white\". The black preacher says, \"Why do you say that\"?! The white preacher says, \"If He were black, He would have said, 'I Is that I Is'\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, \"Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, \"Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away.\" The third said, \"I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "there two boys and they live in a small little town in virginia. These two boys are especially bad and are always in trouble. after the two boys got cought for steeling one day there mothers sent them to talk to the town priest. So the two boys went to talk to the pastor and the pastor asked the smallest child to come in and talk to him. well the pastor asked the young child \"do you believe in god?\" the young boy answered shyly \"yes\" so the pastor said ok \"do you know where god is?\" the young boy had a puzzled look on his face and said \"nope\" so the pastor said again \"do you know where god is?\" the boy looked back and said \"i alreay told you no\" so the pastor asked a last time \"do you know where god is?\" at that time the boy ran out the room and to his older brother. The older brother asked \"whats wrong?\" the young boy answered \"were in big trouble now\" \"oh well were always in trouble whats the big deal?\" the young boy answered \"now God is missing and they thing we've done it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.The mechanical engineer said, \"I think a rod broke.\"The chemical engineer said, \"The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.\"The electrical engineer said, \"I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.\"All three turned to the computer engineer and said, \"What do you think?\"The computer engineer said, \"I think we should all get out and then get back in.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, \"And what starting salary were you looking for?\"The engineer said, \"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.\" The interviewer said, \"Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?\"The young engineer sat up straight and said, \"Wow! Are you kidding?\"The interviewer replied, \"Yeah, but you started it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as \"Millennia Year Application Software System\" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, \"I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.\" I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, \"here, stick this in MYASS.\" It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, \"Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, \"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.\" The teacher answered quickly, \"That would be the Titanic.\" St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: \"How many people died on the ship?\" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, \"about 1,500.\" \"That's right! You may enter.\" St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. \"Name them.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, \"I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.\" The old farmer replied, \"This is my property, and you are not coming over here.\" The indignant lawyer said, \"I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.\" The old farmer smiled and said, \"Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.\" The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.\" The farmer replied, \"Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.\" The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, \"OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn.\" The old farmer smiled and said, \"No I give up, you can have the duck."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.\"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?\"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, \"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?\"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, \"Um ... no.\"The lawyer interrupts, \"or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?\"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.\"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,\" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, \"leaving her penniless with three children?!\"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, \"I had no idea...\"On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, \"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?' The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.' The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.' A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.' The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!' The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, \"What is this?\" to which lawyer number one replies, \"It's that $50 I owe you.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news. Client: Well, give me the bad news first. Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news? Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, \"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.\" \"What?\" said the puzzled groom. \"How can that be if you've been married ten times?\" \"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!\" \"Good,\" said the new husband, \"but, why?\" \"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, \"Are they close to reaching a verdict?\" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, \"You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, \"What is it, honey?\"He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious, so she asked, \"What are you doing, honey?\"\"I'm looking for loopholes!\" he shouted."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.\"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,\" bragged the first one, \"we cut our emergency response time by ten percent.\"The other paramedics nodded in approval. \"Not bad,\" the second paramedic commented. \"But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent.\"Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, \"That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnite, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. \"So, what is it?\" grumbled the governor. \"Judge Garber has just died\" said the attorney, \"and I want to take his place.\" Replied the governor: \"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. 'As I'm sure you can understand,' she started off with one of the first applicants, 'in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.' She leaned forward. 'Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?' 'Honest?' replied the job prospect. 'Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.' 'Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?' The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, 'He sued me for the money.'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, \"I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work.\" The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, \"I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public.\" The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, \"I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system.\" The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, \"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?\"\"I give it to them,\" replied the lawyer, \"and then I send them a bill.\"The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, \"Why not call him up?\"He calls up the lawyer.\"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?\"The lawyer responds, \"A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?\"The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, \"Well, no sir, I'm...\"\"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!\"The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. \"I'm terribly sorry...\"\"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?\"The worker is completely humiliated at this point. \"I am sorry sir, please forgive me...\"\"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, \"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?\"\"I give it to them,\" replied the lawyer, \"and then I send them a bill.\"The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving? A: Skeet. Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: A tick falls off of you when you die. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman. Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? A: Lipstick. Q:You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. A:You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into aroom to meet with his former accountant.The Godfather asks the accountant, \"Where is the 3 million bucksyou embezzled from me?\" The accountant does not answer.The Godfather asks again, \"Where is the 3 million bucks youembezzled from me?\"The attorney interrupts, \"Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannotunderstand you, but I can interpret for you.\"The Godfather says, \"Well ask him where my damn money is!\" Theattorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3million dollars is.The accountant signs back, \"I don't know what you are talking about.\"The attorney interprets to the Godfather, \"He doesn't know whatyou are talking about.\"The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to thetemple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, \"Ask himagain where my damn money is!\"The attorney signs to the accountant, \"He wants to know whereit is!\"The accountant signs back, \"OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden ina brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!\"The Godfather says, \"Well....what did he say?\"The attorney interprets to the Godfather, \"He says...go to hell.....that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: \"Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?\"\"I'm practicing law,\" whispered Pete. \"But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. \"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,\" the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. \"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!\" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, \"Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.\" With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. \"But how?\" the lawyer asked. \"You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.\" \"Oh, yes,\" the jury foreman replied. \"We all looked - but your client didn't!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. \"All set back here, Captain,\" came the reply, \"except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, \"Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place.\"So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, \"So, how's it going down there in hell?\"Satan replies, \"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\"God replies, \"What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.\" Satan says, \"No way.\" I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.\" God says, \"Send him back up here or I'll sue.\"Satan laughs uproariously and answers, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. \"Isn't it true,\" he bellowed, \"that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\"The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.\"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\" the lawyer repeated loudly.The witness still did not respond.Finally, the judge leaned over and said, \"Sir, please answer the question.\"\"Oh,\" the startled witness said, \"I thought he was talking to you.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. \"I can arrange some things for you, \" the devil said. \"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity.\"The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, \"What's the catch?\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing \"Love\" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, \"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'\"\"But why?\" asks the man.\"I'm a divorce lawyer,\" the man replies."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. \"A million dollars,\" he answered, \"because I want to donate it to M.I.T.\"The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. \"I want to give a million to my family,\" he explained, \"and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.\"The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, \"Three million dollars.\"\"Why so much more than the others?\" asked the interviewer.The lawyer replied, \"If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A clever attorney was convinced he found a way to take all of his riches with him when he died. When he finally became ill and saw that death was imminent, he instructed his wife to sell all of his investments and buy gold coins with the proceeds. She was instructed to place the gold in several bags with handles and place them in the attic directly over his bedroom. His plan was that when he died, his soul would rise up out of his body and ascend to heaven. As he passed through the attic, he would grab the bags of gold and take them with him. Days later he finally died and the next day his wife went to the attic to see if the gold was gone, but found it was all still there. \"The damn fool,\" she said to herself. \"I told him we should have placed the bags in the basement.\" Moral: We're not going to be able to take it with us when we go. Even if we're so clever as to place half our riches in the attic and half in the basement, they'll probably take us out the side door!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. \"I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Somebody from a local charity is going over some files and realizes he hasn't gotten any donations from the towns most succesful lawyer.So the man calls the lawyer and says \"Our records show that you haven't made any donations to us\". Then the lawyer says \"well, did your records show that my mom is sick with bills three times her annual income, or that my sister's husband died in an accident which leaved her penniless with three children, or that my brother is blind and has no money to pay for an aid or a nurse\".\"Ummmmm sorry\" replied the man, \"I had no idea\". Then the lawyer says \"So if I don't give any money to them why would I give any money to you?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. \"Why are you all at this man's funeral?\" A man turns towards him and says, \"We're all clients.\" \"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.\" \"No, we came to make sure he was dead.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted. \"My name is Joshua. What's yours?\" asked the first boy. \"Adam,\" replied the second. \"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?\" asked Joshua.Adam proudly replied, \"My daddy is a lawyer.\"\"Honest?\" asked Joshua.\"No, just the regular kind,\" replied Adam."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three construction contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the tour guide asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were construction contractors, the guide said, \"Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?\" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out. First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, \"Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.\" Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, \"Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.\" Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, \"$2,700.\" The guide, incredulous, looked at him and said, \"You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?\" \"Easy,\" he said. \"$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were waiting one morning on a particularly slow group of golfers.\"What's wrong with these guys?\" fumed the lawyer. \"We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!\"\"I don't know,\" said the doctor, \"but I've never seen such ineptitude!\"\"Here comes the greenskeeper,\" said the priest. \"Let's have a word with him. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow. aren't they?\"\"Oh, yes,\" said George, \"That's the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!\"Everyone was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, \"That's so sad, I think I'll say a prayer for them tonight.\"\"And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them,\" the doctor added.\"Why can't these guys play at night?\" asked the lawyer."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, \"There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.\" \"No problem,\" chimed the Rabbi. \"My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.\" With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. \"What's wrong?\" asked the farmer. He replied, \"I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.\"His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. \"What's wrong?\" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, \"I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!\" That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.\"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,\" he said. \"I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.\"The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, \"I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.\" The doctor then said, \"I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.\"The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, \"Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. \"Oh, please excuse me!\" said the bunny. \"I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.\" \"That's perfectly all right,\" replied the snake. \"To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?\"\"Well, I really don't know,\" said the bunny. \"I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.\"So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, \"Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!\"Then he said, \"I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?\"And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, \"Well, what kind of an animal am I?\"So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, \"You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! \"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?\" he cried. \"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!\" \"Well,\" she said, \"when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.\"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!\", he whined.\"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!\" retorted the officer, \"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!\"\"Oh my gaaad....\", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, \"Where's my Rolex???!!!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:\"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?\" the minister asked.\"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,\" replied the lawyer.\"What do you do?\"The minister replied, \"Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The top ten things that sound dirty in law (but aren't!)10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't: 1. Think you can get me off?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a \"whump\" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, \"Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer!\" And the priest replied, \"That's OK, my son, I got him with the door.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman. \"What a ripoff,\" the man muttered. \"I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.\" Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, \"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"Daddy,\" a little girl asked her father, \"do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? \"\"No, sweetheart,\" he answered. \"Some begin with 'If I am elected.'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, \"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?\" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, \"Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?\" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. \"You really ARE Einstein!\" he says. \"Welcome to heaven!\" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, \"Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?\" Saint Peter says, \"Go ahead.\" Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. \"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!\" he says. \"Come on in!\" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, \"Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?\" George W. looks bewildered and says, \"Who are Einstein and Picasso?\" Saint Peter sighs and says, \"Come on in, George.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Clinton walks out into his garden one day and in the snow he says \"bastard\" written in piss. He is so outraged he goes into the oval office and calls the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did this horrible thing to his garden. So they go out and investigate and when they return they say \"Well Bill, we've got bad news and we've got worse news, which one would you like to hear first?\" And Bill says, \"What's the bad news?\" The agent replies, \"It was Al Gore.\" Aghast Bill yells, \"That dirty no good son of a #$@&*!!!!! What's the worse news?\" So the agent says, \"It was Hillary's handwriting...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting arch bishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas. When he arrives in his popemobile he sees a man strugling for his life aginst a shark. Upon a closer look he notices that it is John Kerry. Horrified he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr Kerry, with GW and Dick Cheney on board. Dick Checny leans over and pulls him out. Then George W, and Dick Cheney begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats. The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach. The pope said to the men, \"I know that there has been alot of attention and alot of strife in this election, but I can see that you two men respect each other and would help each other in their house of need. You have my blessings\" Then the pope packs off and drives out of site. Bush asks, \"Who was that?\" \"That was the pope Mr President, he is all knowing and in touch with god. Leader of the Chatholic Church\" Said Dick. Bush says, \"Well thats all neat and fine, but he dosent know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait holding up?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dugout at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with SecretService agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in thePresident's ear.President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neckand heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of thedug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and aftershe lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and \"highfive's\" everyone near him.The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, \"No Mr.President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.\"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?\"Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:\"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage.\"\"No problem\" says the Wizard, \"WHO IS NEXT?\"Ronald Reagan steps forward, \"Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.\"\"Done\" says the Wizard.\"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?\"Up steps George Bush sadly, \"I'm told by the American people that Ineed a heart.\"\"I've heard it's true\" says the Wizard. \"Consider it done.\"Then there is a great silence.Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, \"WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?\"And Willie replies - \"Is Dorothy around?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, \"Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.\"She smirked and replied, \"No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion of words and their meaning. The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of the word \"tragedy\". So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a \"tragedy.\" One little boy stands up and offers: \"If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy. \"That's wrong,\" Kerry says. \"That would be considered an accident.\" A little girl raises her hand: \"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.\" \"You are completely incorrect\" says the Senator. \"That would be what we would consider a great loss\". The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Kerry searches the room. \"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?\" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: \"If a plane carrying Senator John Kerry was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy\". \"Fantastic !\" exclaims Kerry. \"You are absolutely right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?\" \"Well,\" says the boy, \"because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active. John Edwards called to wish Kerry well. Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers. Howard Dean called with encouragement on recovery. Bill Clinton called Teresa."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. \"Just think,\" he said, \"when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!\"Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, \"Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Israeli doctor said, \"Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.\" A German doctor said \"That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.\" A Russian doctor said, \"In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.\" The American doctor, not to be outdone, said \"Hah! We are about to take an butthole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Dear Abby,I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as acarrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and sellingmarijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who areprostitutes in Jersey City.I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time \"working girl\" in a brothel. Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her. So here's where I need your advice.Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?Signed,Worried About My Reputation"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost.Bush saw him and asked, \"George, what is the best thing I could do tohelp the country?\"\"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,\" advised George.The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the darkbedroom.\"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\" Bush asked.\"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,\" advised Tom.Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figuremovingin the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.\"Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country?\" Bush asked.\"Go to the theater,\" replied Abe."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, \"I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.\" Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, \"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you.\" Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver. \"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home,\" said Cheney. The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, \"See! That guy was really stupid.\" \"No kidding,\" replied George W. \"There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.\"That's great!\" the executive said. \"But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.\"\"Yes, sir, it can,\" the director replied. \"An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.\"\"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?\"\"Do you have any idea,\" the director asked, \"how many Democrats we would have to kill?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides. Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?'' The other agrees enthusiastically and they part. Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.'' ``Not really,`` says the second. ``This is the third time I've done this today``."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field.The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. \"Were they ALL dead?\" asked the puzzled sheriff. \"Well, some of them said they weren't,\" said the old farmer, \"but you know how them politicians lie.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.\"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?\"Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:\" I've come for some courage.\"\"NO PROBLEM!\" says the Wizard. \"WHO IS NEXT?\"Ronald Reagan steps forward, \"Well........., I.......I think I need a brain.\"\"DONE\" says the Wizard. \"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?\"Up stepped George Bush sadly, \"I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.\"\"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!\" says the Wizard. \"CONSIDER IT DONE.\"There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, \"WHAT DO YOU WANT?\"\"Is Dorothy here?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, \"What are all those clocks?\" St. Peter answered, \"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.\" \"Oh,\" said the man, \"whose clock is that?\" \"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.\" \"Incredible,\" said the man. \"And whose clock is that one?\" St. Peter responded, \"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.\" \"Where's Bush's clock?\" asked the man. \"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:\"Our largest condom factory has exploded,\" the Russian President cried. \"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!\"\"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.\"I do need your help,\" said Yeltsin. \"Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?\"\"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,\" said Bush.\"Oh, and one more small favor, please?\" said Putin.\"Yes?\"\"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?\" said Putin.\"No problem,\" replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company. \"I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia.\"\"Consider it done,\" said the President of condom company.\"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide.\"\"Easily done. Anything else?\"\"Yeah,\" said the President, \"print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.After the typical civics presentation, he announced, \"All right, boys andgirls, you can ask me questions now.\"A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said, \"Mr. Ashcroft, I havethree questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes thanGore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans'civil liberties? And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?\"Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground.After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft said,\"I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions.\"A little girl raised her hand and said, \"Mr. Ashcroft, I have fivequestions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civilliberties? Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet? Fourth,why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, where's Bobby?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, \"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.\"He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, \"Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?\"The Officer replies, \"President Bush is just so depressed about being behind in the polls that he stopped his motorcadein the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says he can't find donators to give him money for his campaign. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.\"\"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?\"\"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, \"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.\"The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied, \"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.\"She rolled her eyes and said, \"You must be a Republican.\"I am,\" replied the man. \"How did you know?\"\"Well,\" answered the balloonist, \"everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.\"The man smiled and responded, \"You must be a Democrat.\"\"I am,\" replied the balloonist. \"How did you know?\"\"Well,\" said the man, \"you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the sameposition you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Here are a few important observations, before the election campaign heats-up:Republican boys always expect to grow up and marry Republican girls and please their parents. But they always date Democratic girls because they think they're entitled to a little fun first. Democrats step on bugs.Republicans call an exterminator. Democrats eat the big fish they catch.Republicans have them mounted. Democrats sit on the dock and fish,Republicans expect to have someone else drive the boat. Democrats make a lot of plans, but don't do much with them.Republicans are still following the plans their grandfathers made."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A party of Democrats was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?' 'Yes', answered the others eagerly. 'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. \"Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'.\"Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.Bush came up and said, \"Hello, Steve.\"The little man says, \"F**k off, Bush! I'm in a meeting,\" and keeps walking."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought, 'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.' The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.' Bill Clinton thought, 'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.' George Bush thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day there were three surgeons who were arguing loudly over who was the best surgeon.\"Oh yeah,\" the first one yells. \"One day there was this guy who came in with all his fingers cut off, I sewed them back onto his hand, and he's playing piano for the queen of England!\"\"Oh, that's nothing,\" shouts the second one. \"One day this guy came in with his arms and legs cut off, I sewed back onto his body, and now he's on the Olympic track and swimming teams!\"\"Oh, that isn't jack compared to what I'VE done,\" bellows the third one. \"One day there was this guy who was riding a horse, on cocaine, got hit by a subway train, and all that was left was the guy's body and the horse's ass, I sewed them together, and now he's the President of The United States!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. \"I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form.\" \"You can do it\", the lawyer said, \"But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?\" \"That's my business! Get me the form!\" Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, \"Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?\" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: \"One less Democrat\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, \"Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself.\" \"What?\" the operator exclaimed. \"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!\" the little old lady repeated. \"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?\" \"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst into the room shouting, \"Dad! Mom! I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are supposed to get married next month.\"Bill took Chelsea in the back and said, \"Chelsea, your mother, although an ideal administrator and public speaker, has never had much to offer in the sack. So, as you might have heard, I have been known to fool around with other ladies on occassion. Your boyfriend Nick happens to be the product of one of my love making sessions. He is my son and thusly, he is your half-brother.\" Chelsea ran out of the office screaming, \"Not another brother!\" She rushed to her mother's side, telling her all about dad's shameful behavior and how every man she dates turns out to be one of her father's illegitimate sons. Hillary began to laugh and said, \"Don't pay any attention to him. He isn't really your father anyway.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered something in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, \"Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York totalk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him for his name. \"Kenneth.\" \"And what is your question, Kenneth?\" \"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?\" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, \"Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?\" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him for his name. \"Larry.\" \"And what is your question?\" \"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. \"Who do you want to play?\" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. \"I've always been a big fan of Chopin,\" said Bruce. \"I'll play him.\" \"And you, Sylvester?\" asked Spielberg. \"Mozart's the one for me!\" said Sly. \"And what about you?\" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. \"I'll be Bach,\" said Arnie."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A 10pm curfew was imposed in Baghdad. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.\"Why did you do that?\" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.\"I know where he lives,\" he replied, \"and he wouldn't have made it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures. \"you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too.\" The second terrorist says, gently,\"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A son asks his father, \"What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.\" The father thinks a little and says, \"OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?\" The little boy said, \"Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said.\" Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed. The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, \"Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.\" \"Excellent, my boy,\" he answered, \"What have you learned?\" The little boy thought for a minute and said, \"I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. \"Isn't it true,\" he bellowed, \"that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\"The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.\"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\" the lawyer repeated loudly.The witness still did not respond.Finally, the judge leaned over and said, \"Sir, please answer the question.\"\"Oh,\" the startled witness said, \"I thought he was talking to you.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said: \"I sure would like to go to Disneyland.\" George said: \"No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One.\" The second kid said: \"I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's.\" George said: \"I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!\". The third kid said: \"I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!\" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says: \"But you don't look like you are injured.\" The kid says: \"But I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!\""
}
] |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.