conversations
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, \"That, sir, is some display of teamwork.\" The father replied, \"I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A US Commerce Department Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. \"This will look nice on my mantelpiece,\" he decides, and takes it home with him.While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. \"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!\"He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.\"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.\" Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.He eagerly gives the genie his third and final wish: \"I wish I'd never have to work ever again.\"POOF! He's back in his government office."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it backdown to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one arm rest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room untilhe finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the \"open here\" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.\" --Conan O'Brien \"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?\" --Warren Hutcherson \"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.\" --Dick Cavett \"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.\" --Rita Rudner \"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.\" --Paul Rodriguez \"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?\" --Robin Williams If the president of the USA has to be a natural-born citizen, could a test- tube baby ever be president? --Stephen Wright"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "WHY AIRPLANES ARE BETTER THAN WOMENl. An airplane will kill you quickly...a woman takes her time.2. Airplanes like to do it inverted.3. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.4. An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.5. An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'6. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.7. Airplanes come with manuals.8. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.9. You can fly an airplane any time of the month.10. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.11. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.12. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.13. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.14. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines. 15. It's OK to use tiedowns on your airplane."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her \"no.\" The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, \"Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset.It won't be long.\"He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, \"There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.\"The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, \"Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.\"The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. \"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen...\" The mother broke in, \"My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "OLD & NEW CONCERNS FOR THE BABY BOOMERThen: Long hair.Now: Longing for hair.Then: KegNow: EKG.Then: Acid rockNow: Acid reflux.Then: Moving to California because it's cool.Now: Moving to California because it's hot.Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.Then: Seeds and stems.Now: Roughage.Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.Now: Popping joints.Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.Then: Paar.Now: AARP.Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.Then: Killer weed.Now: Weed killer.Then: Hoping for a BMW.Now: Hoping for a BM.Then: The Grateful Dead.Now: Dr. Kevorkian.Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.Now: Getting a new hip joint."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession.\"Of course, my son,\" said the priest.\"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.\"\"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,\" said the priest.\"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,\" continued the old man.\"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,\" said the priest.\"Thanks, Father,\" said the old man.\"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?\"\"Of course,my son,\" said the priest.The old man asked, \"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat.As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, \"So where are you flying to today?\"She turns and smiles,and says, \"To the annual Nymphomaniac convention, in Chicago.\"Whoa! He swallows hard,and is instantly CRAZED with excitement! Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right NEXT to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, \"And what's your role at this convention?\"She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, \"Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.\"\"Really\" he says, swallowing hard. \"And what myths are those?\"She explains: \"Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average.\"\"Very interesting,\" the man responds.Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. \"I'm sorry,\" she says, \"I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name!\"The man extends his hand and replies, \"Tonto. Tonto Goldstein.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mike.\"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?\"Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.\"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?\"Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. \"I'll try the easier part first.\"The M.C. nodded approvingly. \"Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.\"The audience was silent with anticipation......\"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"My wife dresses to kill.She cooks the same way.\" ...Henny Youngman \"My wife and I were happy for twenty years.Then we met.\" ...Rodney Dangerfield \"I was married by a judge.I should have asked for a jury.\" ...George Burns"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Today's woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads that would make a line-backer envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a \"real\" man."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Mr. Jones was sued by a Mrs. Johnson for defamation of character.She charged that he had called her a pig.Mr. Jones was indeed found guilty and fined.After the trial he asked the judge, \"Your Honor, this means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?\"The judge said that was true.\"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?\" the man asked.The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.Mr. Jones grinned, looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, \"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Secret Service has added a $1M security system to the President and Hillary's new home in suburban New York. The security system includes bullet proof windows, flood lights, and an alarm that goes off whenever Hillary's on her way home."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.2. Leakproof thermoses--will.3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. [By definition]8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Ethnic Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There are many stories related to the sinking of the \"Titanic\". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The \"Titanic\" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE THE AIRLINES UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off.After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline.They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves.They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html.Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful.You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, \"You had to do what with the seat?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsingthe cages on display. While there, a customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, \"I'll have a C monkey, please\". The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying \"That'll be $5,000\". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist says to the shopkeeper. \"That was a very expensive monkey--most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?\" \"Ah, that monkey can program in C--very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.\" The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. \"That one's even more expensive $10,000! What does it do?\" \"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.\" The tourist sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. Startled he says to the shopkeeper, \"That one costs more than all the others combined! What on earth does it do?\" \"Well, I don't know if it does anything, it's a Consultant.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The National Football League announced yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '99 seasonThe Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. Suddenly a seagull flies over and craps all over them. The brunette say's in a disgusted voice; \"Hang on, the bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper.\" After she leaves, the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead asks, \"What's so funny?\" The blonde says \"Well, blondes are suppose to be so dumb.......but look at her.......by the time she gets back with the toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Here was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, \"That was a karate chop from Korea.\"The little guy thinks \"GEEZ,\" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, \"That was a judo chop from Japan.\" So the little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK*bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!The little guy looks at the bartender and says, \"When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bridget got sick of all these \"dumb blonde\" jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.Back in our office the next day, Jim started telling one he just got on the internet.She cut him off cold.\"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes.I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals.\"Jim looked at her, as she appeared quite serious, and said, \"I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?\"\"N\", Bridget answered."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three convicts were on the way to prison.They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars.On the bus, one turned to another and said, \"So, what did you bring?\" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.He wanted to become the \"Grandma Moses of Jail.\" Then he asked the first, \"What did you bring?\" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, \"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.\" The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, \"Why are you so smug?What did you bring?\" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.\"I brought these.\" The other two were puzzled and asked, \"What can you do with those?\" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, \"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A drunk walks into a bar and says, \"Bartender, buy everyone in the housea drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.\" So, the bartenderdoes just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, \"I haven'tgot it.\" The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws himout into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, \"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.\" The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, \"I haven't got it.\" The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, \"Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give methe bill.\" In disgust, the bartender says, \"What, no drink for me thistime?\" The drunk replies, \"Nope! You get too violent when you drink.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "THE GIRL'S PRAYER Our Cash Which art on plastic Hallowed be thy name Thy Cartier watch Thy Coach bag In Gumps As it is in Tiffany's Give us each day our Platinum Visa And forgive us our overdraft As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard And lead us not into K-mart And deliver us from Loeman's For thine is the Rolex, the Harry Winston and the Armani For Chanel No.5 and Eternity Amex. THE BOYS PRAYER Our beer Which art in bottles Hallowed by thy sport Thy will be drunk I will be drunk At home as it is in the pub Give us each day our daily schooners And forgive us our spillage As we forgive those who spillest against us And lead us not into the practice of California wine tasting And deliver us from Tequila For mine is the adult beverage The ladys and the freedom Forever and ever Barmen."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes,when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says \"I've heard just about enough of your damn hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South.\" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, \"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the little wise-guy on your knee!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In Praise Of Older Women An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, \"What are you thinking?\" An older woman doesn't care what you think. Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park. Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear undergarments at all. An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas. Older women know how to cook."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "REDNECK JEDI You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... ==> You ever heard the phrase, \"May the force be with y'all.\" ==> Your Jedi robe is camouflage. ==> You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. ==> At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. ==> You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. ==> You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. ==> The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. ==> Wookies are offended by your B.O. ==> You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. ==> You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. ==> Your father has ever said to you, \"Shoot, son come on over to the dark side ... it'll be a hoot.\" ==> You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. ==> You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. ==> You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. ==> You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. ==> Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. ==> You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. ==> You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. ==> You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. ==> If you hear . . . \"Luke, I am your father...and your uncle\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Washington Post's \"Style Invitational\" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . . Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Washington Post's \"Style Invitational\" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners (1998): Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers. Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly. Hipatitis: terminal coolness. Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Washington Post's \"Style Invitational\" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners (1998): Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers. Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly. Hipatitis: terminal coolness. Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three convicts were on the way to prison.They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars.On the bus, one turned to another and said, \"So, what did you bring?\" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.He wanted to become the \"Grandma Moses of Jail.\" Then he asked the first, \"What did you bring?\" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, \"I brought cards.I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.\" The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, \"Why are you so smug?What did you bring?\" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.\"I brought these.\" The other two were puzzled and asked, \"What can you do with those?\" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, \"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. \"What about trying Viagra?\" asks the doctor. \"Not a chance,\" says Mrs. Murphy. \"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.\" \"No problem\" replies the doctor. \"Drop it into his coffee; he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.\" A week later, Mrs. Murphy visits the doctor, and he inquires as to how things went. \"Oh, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor.\" \"What happened?\" asks the doctor. \"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off, and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.\" \"What's terrible?\" asked the doctor. \"Was the sex not good?\" \"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a very rural area. Luckily, Farmer Jones came to help with his big strong horse named Hobo . . . He hitched ole Hobo up to the car and yelled, \"Pull, Nellie, pull!\" Hobo didn't move a muscle... just flicked away a fly with his tail.Then Jones hollered out, \"C'mon, pull, Davey, pull!\" Again, ole Hobo didn't move.Once more the farmer commanded, \"Pull, Stetson, pull!\" Nothing from Hobo.Then the farmer nonchalantly said, \"Pull, Hobo. C'mon, boy, pull!\" And the horse easily dragged the car up, out of the ditch.The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times in a row.Wise Farmer Jones answered, \"Well, ole, Hobo here is blind as a bat. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was primary time and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.\"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!\"The crowd went wild, shouting \"Hoya Hoya\".The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.\"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!\"\"Hoya! Hoya!\" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.\"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!\"The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting, \"Hoya!Hoya!Hoya!\"After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.\"Sure,\" the Chief said, \"but be careful not to step in the hoya.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. \"You don't want to try these techniques at home.\"\"Why not?\" asked someone from the back of the audience.\"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,\" the expert explained. \"She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'\"The voice from the back asked, \"Did it save time?\"The expert replied, \"Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.Five second fuses only last three seconds.If the enemy is in range, so are you.Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.Remember, tracers work both ways."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, \"Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?\"\"No,\" the colonel said, \"just serious by nature.\"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, \"It looks like you have seen a lot of action.\"The colonel's short reply was, \"Yes, a lot of action.\"The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, \"You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself.\"The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.Finally the young lady said, \"You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?\"The colonel looked at her and replied, \"1955.\"She said, \"Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?\"The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, \"Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "San Francisco attorney Vince Hallinan was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial in 1986 - it went like thisQ. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene.Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life.Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do.Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do.Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir.Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On the way to preschool with her daughter, the doctor hadleft her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl pickedit up and began playing with it.\"How sweet,\" thought the doctor, \"my daughter wants tofollow in my footsteps!\"Then the child spoke into the instrument, \"Welcome toMcDonald's. May I take your order?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, \"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.\"So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceed to talk up a storm.Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.2.There are 10 Commandments, not 12.3.There are 12 Disciples, not 10.4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.6.We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.7.The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, \"Take this and eat it, for it is my body\", he did not say, \"Eat Me\".12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, \"Mary with the Cherry\".13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: \"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!\"14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.He told the fish salesman, \"Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?\"\"Why do you want me to throw them at you?\"\"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.\"\"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.\"\"But why?\"\"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became to much and he could go no farther.He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike immediately took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radiod to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 90 mph. He then relayed, \"And you're not going to believe this -- but there's this *really* amazing guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!!\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m.All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money.\"You can't do that!!\" The politician cried. \"I'm a politician!\"\"Oh,\" said the masked man, \"in that case give me all MY money!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.He said to the hole digger, \"I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!\"The hole digger replied, \"Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man was walking past a grave yard and he heard one of Beethoven's symphoney's playing backwards. He thought to himself \"That's wierd\" and kept walking.The next day the same man walked past the same cemetary and heard another one of Beethoven's symphony's playing backward's. He thought to himself \"Now that's REALLY wierd!\" and kept going.The next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetary and heard \"Ode to Joy\" playing backwards. The man said \"I can't take this any more!\" he walked up to the caretaker and asked, \"What is going on around here?!\" the caretaker answered, \"Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Roy was a gas station attendant. One day he was filling up another car, when he spotted three penguins sitting on the back seat of the car.Baffled, Roy asked the driver: \"What's up with those penguins?\"The man in the car replied: \"I found them by the side of the road. But to tell you the truth, I have no idea what to do with them.\"Roy wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but after a few minutes of hard thinking he came up with a pretty good idea: \"You should take them to the zoo,\" he said.\"Great idea,\"the man in the car smiled and drove away. The next day the man with the car was back at Roy's gas station.And the penguins were still in the back seat of the car! \"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo,\" Roy said.\"Oh, I did,\" said the driver, \"and we had a great time! Today I'm taking them to the beach.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Judi is explaining to Monika the bad day she'd had at work.Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.Monika said, \"How horrible!What did you do?\" Judi shook her head.\"There was nothing I *could* do.He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, \"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names.\"His buddy hung his head. \"To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Top Ten Signs Your Dog Doesn't Like Your Husband:1. Your dog keeps running away, but you alwaysknow where to find him: In front of your ex-boyfriend's door.2. He brings your husband his slippers and he brings you the car keys.3. He eats a load full of grass in the backyard, comes back in the house and waits by your husband's shoes.4. When he eats his dogfood, he gags everytime your husband walks past him.5. After your wedding, your dog played dead for a week.6. You notice that all the other dogs in the neighborhood keep giving your husband dirty looks.7. When he's supposed to bring your husband the paper, the only part he brings are the \"apartments for rent.\" 8. When your husband walks the dog, your dog tries to drag him to another neighborhood.9. When you come home, your dog comes running over to greet you. When your husband comes home, the dog sits down and starts scraping his butt along the carpeted floor.10. Your husband's cat has been missing for days."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. \"My, you look tired,\" she said. \"You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?\"\"It was terrible,\" her husband said. \"The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was when we were first married. Yes, it's cliche but it's true. It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery. She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an angel of light delivering divine revelation.\"Well,\" she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, \"I believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and love I feel are manifest in my cooking, in my gardening, in our children, in everything! I believe all things in life turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly.\"\"Damn, baby,\" I said, my head awhirl at the thoughts and sounds from the woman next to me. \"I'm going to call that shrink of yours and tell him he has finally nailed the combination of prozac, lithium and paxil.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "When Mother Theresa died she went to Heaven. For a week or two she was fully satisfied that she had to eat only fruits and vegetables, but then one day complained to St.Peter and asked for some cooked meal. - My Dear, - said St.Peter, - and who is going to cook every day for just the three of us?!This Preacher's son asks his father,\"Dad, can I have a car?\" The preacher replies,\", I will get you a car IF you get a haircut.\" Then his son says,\"Dad, Jesus had long hair.\" \"Yeah but he walked everywhere.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple of carpet layers are installing new carpeting in the home of a pompous rich woman. They get the carpet all layed and one of them can't find his pack of cigarettes. He checks his pockets, etc., until finally his buddy spots a lump under the carpet.\"Geez, he says, we better handle this before she sees it.\"He goes to pull the carpet away from the wall when his buddy says,\"Wait, I have an easier way.\"He takes his hammer and pounds the lump flat. Just then, the woman comes in and asks frantically,\"Have you seen my toy poodle?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "President Clinton steps off Air Force One with a piglet under his arm. An impeccably dressed Marine Guard greets The President, cominh to attention and snapping out a razor-sharp salute. \"Welcome back, SIR! Nice pig you got there, SIR!\"President: \"These here is an Arkansas Razorback that I got for Hillary.Marine Guard: Nice trade, SIR!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods. The bear looked over to the rabbit and asked: \"Mr. Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?\"The rabbit replied: \"Why no, Mr. Bear, I most certainly do not.\"So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, \"Hello?\"Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, \"Is your Daddy home?\".\"Yes.\", whispered the small voice.May I talk with him?\", the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, \"No.\"Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, \"Is your Mommy there?\".\"Yes.\", came the answer.\"May I talk with her?\".Again the small voice whispered, \"No.\"Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.\"Is there any one there besides you?\", the boss asked the child.\"Yes\", whispered the child, \"A policeman.\"Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, \"May I speak with the policeman?\".\"No, he's busy.\", whispered the child.\"Busy doing what?\", asked the boss.\"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.\", came the whispered answer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, \"What is that noise?\".\"A hello-copper.\", answered the whispering voice.\"What is going on there?\", asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice the child answered, \"The search team just landed the hello-copper!\"Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, \"Why are they there?\"Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, \"They're looking for me!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer:1. You met him in prison.2. His last good case was a Budweiser.3. All his law books are from Time-Life.4. He picks the jury by playing duck, duck, goose."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Music\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES1.Sag, You're It!2.Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy3.20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear4.Kick the Bucket5.Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over6.Doc, Doc Goose7.Simon Says Something Incoherent8.Hide and Go Pee9.Spin the Bottle of Mylanta10.Musical Recliners"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.\"This\", he said, \"is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it\".At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. \"Where is my father\"? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words \"Fishing off Florida\". Clever Dick laughed.\"Actually\", he said, \"my father is dead\"!It had been a tricky question!!The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, \"Where ismy mother's husband\"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:\"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, \"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!\"\"Yes, I'm amazed also,\" came the reply. \"He hated the book.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two men held up a bank.They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, \"Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?\"One of the robbers said, \"What's on your mind, pal?\"\"Would you mind taking the books, too?I'm five thousand short.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.\"Pardon me,\" she said, \"I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.\"\"I'm very sorry,\" replied the young man, \"is there anything I can do for you?\"\"Yes,\" she said, \"As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ?It would make me feel so much better.\"\"Sure,\" answered the young man.As the old woman was leaving, he called out, \"Goodbye, Mother!\"As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.\"How can that be?\" he asked, \"I only purchased a few things!\"\"Your mother said that you would pay for her,\" said the clerk."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, \"Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?\"The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, \"Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, \"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?\"The guard replies, \"They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.\"\"That's an awfully exact number,\" says the tourist. \"How do you know their age so precisely?\"The guard answers, \"Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: What do you call a cat with a machine gun?A: Sir.Q: What does a snail do on a tortoise's back?A: \"Vrooom... vrooom... vrooooooom...\"Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?A: Your nose is touching the ceiling."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. \"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,\" said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. \"Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach.\"\"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,\" declared Mrs. Jones proudly. \"Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house.\"Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. \"Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does.Nobody.\"\"So what does she do?\" asked the two women, turning to her.\"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, \"Big John doesn't pay!\" and sat down at the back.The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, \"Big John doesn't pay!,\" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, \"And why not?\"With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, \"Big John has a bus pass.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, \"This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off.\"\"That's baloney!\" says one of the hunters. \"Yeah,\" the other agrees, \"you're just chicken.We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!\"\"Yeah\", said the first hunter, \"and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!\"The pilot got angry, and said, \"Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!\"They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, \"Where are we?\"One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, \"I'd say... About a hundred yards further than last year.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. \"Look,\" said the customer, \"I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?\" \"Sure\", said the bartender, and he did. \"Now,\" said the customer, \"I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.\" \"Certainly.\" And it was done. \"If,\" said the armless man, \"you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer.\" The bartender got it. \"You've been very kind,\" said the customer. \"Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?\" \"Out the door,\" said the bartender, \"turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.\"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'\" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, \"because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump.\"\"You've got it all wrong, Major,\" an Air Force sergeant replied.\"The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to complain about the salary.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Science\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, \"How to Master Your Wife.\"The salesgirl said, \"Our science fiction section is upstairs.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, \"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.\"The professor said \"I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.\"The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, \"I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging betweenthem a young man in a three-piece suit.\"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,\" said one.\"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,\" said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called forsilence.\"Bring me my biggest sword,\" said Solomon, \"and I shall hew the youngattorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first lady.But the other woman said, \"Oh Sire, do not spill innocentblood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"The wise king did not hesitate a moment. \"The attorney mustmarry the first lady's daughter,\" he proclaimed.\"But she was willing to hew him in two!\" exclaimed theking's court.\"Indeed,\" said wise King Solomon. \"That shows she is theTRUE mother-in-law.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing \"Love\" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says \"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'\"\"But why?\" asks the man.\"I'm a divorce lawyer,\" the man replies."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, \"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Jones is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?\" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. \"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "**Pick-Up Line Of the Day**Guy goes up to a girl, licks his finger, touches her on the shoulder, and then touches himself (all this while she is watching him) andsays:How about you and I get out of these wet clothes?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, \"I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.\"The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, \"I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married.\"\"Hey, terrific idea!\" says the eager man.\"Good!\" she replies, \"Get your own fu..in' blanket!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter met them.They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.\"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay there and I will be right back.'Six months passed and finally Peter returned. \"Yes, we can do this for you.\"The couple replied, \"Well as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we could be divorced if the marriage doesn't work out?\"To this St Peter answered, \"It took me six months to find a priest up here... how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke. \"Listen buddy,\" he growled. \"See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?\" \"Nah, guess not,\" the man replied. \"I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane are caught in a snowstorm on the side of a mountain. They stumble across a cave and decide to take shelter.On entering they are greeted by an awful stench which, on inspection, turns out to come from a half-dead goat which has taken refuge in the cave.The three of them debate what to do and the Norwegian agrees to go in first. Five minutes later he staggers out sick with nausea and collapses.Then the Dane goes in and, ten minutes later crawls out and expires.Finally the Swede goes in and, fifteen minutes later.. the goat comes out."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A martian landed in the country. He Went up to a farm house and knocked on the door. He told the farmer he would give him 1,000,000 dollars for his flock of sheep. The farmer said O.K. The martian pulled a tiny sheep out of his pocket and it ate all the sheep. The martian then offered the farmer $2,000,000 for all his cattle. He pulled a tiny cow from his pocket and it ate all the cattle. The farmer said, \"I'll give you all the money back if you can pull a tiny politician from your pocket\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice \"Can you talk?\" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird.Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts \"CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?\"The bird looks him in the eye and says \"I can talk, all right. Can you fly?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, \"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.\" He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, \"Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?\" The Officer replies, \"The President is just so depressed about all the problems going on that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him\". \"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?\" \"So far only about a hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The counselor at the \"magnet\" school called a boy (Myrddin) into his office before school started.\"Myrddin, I have some good news and some bad news to relate to you this morning. We've just reviewed all of your personality tests and I'm afraid you have definite homosexual tendencies. And now the good news -- I think you're cute as heck!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts \"RUN! RUN!!\"A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts \"RUN! RUN!!\"Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, \"What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?\" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts \"RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!\" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.So Paddy shouts instead, \"WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, \"Jesus Christ!\" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, \"GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!\" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, \"Mother trucker,\" or \"Mother's from there.\" Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Catholic MathLittle Tommy was ding very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.She calls him down to dinner and the her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great tredpidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it?Was it the nuns?Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.Well then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they wern't fooling around."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Science\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Jews for centuries have had outstanding people in many fields of science and research. But, in the year 1639, in a small Polish town, a 14-year-old Jewish boy, Sidney, started his own scientific investigations.Sidney, with his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started the experiment with the bull frog, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, \"Jump frog!\"The frog jumped and Sidney measured the distance. \"12 feet. Write that down, Sophie.\" he said.Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, \"Jump frog!\" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction Sophie wrote it down.Again the frog was brought back, and the left front leg was removed, and again said, \"Jump frog!\" It jumped 6 feet and Sophie wrote it down.Again Sidney tried, this time removing the large right back leg. \"Jump frog! Jump frog!\" he shouted and prodded the frog. The frog jumped 8 inches. \"Write it down, Sophie.\"Finally Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig, shouting \"Jump frog! Jump Frog! JUMP FROG! JUMP, JUMP FROG!\"The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, \"So what should I write down?\"Sidney thought a moment, and told Sophie to write, \"When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "During the \"rush hour\" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. They were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for them.After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, \"We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.\"A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. \"Sorry,\" he said, \"wrong plane.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q. How do you know an lawyer is lying to you?A. His lips are moving.A. What do you do if you see a drowning lawyer?Q. Throw in his wife and kids.Q. Why are lawyers like laxatives?A. They irritate the crap out of you.Q. What do you need when you've have three lawyers up to their necks in cement?A. More cement.Q. What's black and brown and looks good on an lawyer?A. A doberman.Q. How many first year lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A. None - it's a second year project.Q. Did you hear that lawyers have found a new use for sheep?A. Wool.Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.\"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'\" said the lawyer.Farmer Joe responded, \"Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ...\"\"I didn't ask for any details,\" the lawyer interrupted, \"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'\"Farmer Joe said, \"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ...\"The lawyer interrupted again and said, \"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.\"By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, \"I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.\"Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded. \"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.\"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said,'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!(silence)Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.The next day, two groups of workers show up. A crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.The company cannot decide whom to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, \"Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job.\"Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.\"YAY!!\" they shout. \"We came back first, we get the job!!\"\"Good work, men,\" says the boss, \"However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down.\"\"Fine, no problem,\" say the men.An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrives. The entire group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.\"What happened to you? What took so long?\" asks the boss incredulously.\"What do you mean, 'what took so long? Do we get the job?\"\"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!\"\"Well, of course they were,\" say the blondes. \"They only put the pole in halfway!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "When I was still a newlywed, I was invited out for a night with \"the boys\".Being naive about these things at the time, I promised my wife that I would be home by midnight!Well, you know how these things go; the yarns were being spun and the drinks were going down easy, and at nearly 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I went home.Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock we had gotten as a wedding present started up and cuckooed three times. Suddenly, I realized she'd probably heard me come in the door, so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of my fast thinking and having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a possible showdown.The next morning my bride asked me what time I got in. I told her, \"midnight.\" Whew! Got away with that one!She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.When I asked her why, she said, \"Well, last night at midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Oh, No!', cuckooed another five times, hiccoughed, cuckooed another four times, and then laughed hysterically!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man is a person who, if a woman says, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" lets her. A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her, gets mad. A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her and she gets mad, says, \"Now what are you mad about?\" A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, \"Now what are you mad about?\" says, \"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.\" A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, \"Now what are you mad about?\", and she says, \"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you\", whines \"How can I know what the problem is if you don't tell me?\" A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, \"Now what are you mad about?\" and she says, \"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you\", and he whines \"How can I know what the problem is if you don't tell me?\", says \"OK, let's talk about it\". A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, \"Now what are you mad about?\", and she says, \"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you\", and he whines \"How can I know what the problem is if you don't tell me?\" and she says \"OK, let's talk about it\", turns on the television and watches cartoons."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Quasimodo goes to his Parisian Cathedral doctor for his annual checkup.\"I think something is wrong with your back,\" the doctor says.\"Why do you say that?\" asks Quasimodo.\"I don't know,\" the doctor replies. \"It's just a hunch.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, \"This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'\" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; \"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress\". The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! \"You bloody fool!\" he cried, \"You have ruined me!\" The actor was bewildered, \"What happened, did I forget my line?\" He asked.\"No!\" the director screamed, \"You Idiot! you forgot the damn rose!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Father OGrady is standing at the door after Sunday Mass, when Mary Clancy comes up to him, tears rolling down her face.\"Oh Father,\" she cries, \"I have terrible news!\"\"What is it my child?\" She says,\"My husband died last night.\"\"Oh Mary,\" says the priest, \"Thats terrible news. But tell me- did he have any last requests?\"\"Yes he did, Father.\"\"And what exactly did he ask, Mary?\"\"He said Please, Mary. Put the gun down.\""
}
] |
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