conversations
listlengths 3
3
|
|---|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Remembering the Quips of Groucho Marx...Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?Room service? Send up a larger room.Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you... He really is an idiot.I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. \"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten.\" he pleaded.The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: \"You know the person that did this really needs help.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby.\"You know, \" says Sadie, \"I've been reading this sex and Marriage book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm; mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about.Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you ever have mutual orgasm?\"\"No,\" says Esther, \"I think we had Allstate.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "When President Jaques Chirac retired from public life, the Australian ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour. At the dinner table Carla Zampatti was talking with Madame Chirac. \"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?\" \"A penis,\" replied Madame Chirac. A shocked hush fell over the table.Everyone heard her answer ... and no one knew what to say next! Jaques Chirac leaned over to his wife and helped. \"Ma cherie,\" he said. \"I believe ze Australians pronounce zat word, 'Happiness!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies.One was Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other was Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far from the convent.SL: Do you notice a man's been following us?SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical.He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no!At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes.What should we do?SL: The only logical thing is to walk faster.SM: It's not working.SL: Of course not.The man did the obvious thing and started walking faster, too.SM: What should we do?At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical is to split.You go that way and I'll go this way.He can't follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and became worried that Sister Logical hadn't arrived.Finally, Sister Logical arrives.SM: Sister Logical!Thank God you are here!Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened.The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.SM: So, what happened?Please tell me.SL: The only logical thing to happen.I started to run as fast as I could.SM: Then what happened?SL: The only logical thing to happen.The man also started to run as fast as he could.SM: And what else?SL: The only logical thing to happen.He reached me.SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?SL: The only logical thing to do.I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister.What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do.He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no!What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?A nun with her dress up can run faster than aman with his pants down.(And you thought this might be a dirty story! Shame on you.Say two Hail Mary's."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Al and Tipper Gore were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.\"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.\" Al got up from his coffee and said, \"Well, okay.\"Two days later, they were again sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast said, \"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.\"Al got up from his coffee and said, \"Well, okay.\"Three days later, they were drinking their coffee and the weather forecast said, \"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.You must park your cars on the...\" and then the power went out and Al didn't get the rest of the instructions.He said to Tipper, \"What am I going to do now, Tipper?\"Tipper replied, \"Oh, Al, just leave the car in the garage."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Man goes to see the Rabbi.\"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.\"The Rabbi asked, \"What's wrong?\"The man replied, \"My wife is poisoning me.\"The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, \"How can that be?\"The man then pleads, \"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?\"The Rabbi then offers, \"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.\"A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, \"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?\"The man anxiously says, \"Yes.\"\"Take the poison,\" says the Rabbi."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.\"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total,\" says the genie.The Canadian says, \"I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.\" With a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, \"I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Christians or Jews, can come into our precious state.\" Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.The Israeli asks, \"I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.\"The Genie explains, \"Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out.\"The Israeli says, \"Fill it up with water.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill Clinton is in an elementary class and is trying to teach the students what a tragedy is. He asks if anyone knows. One kid stands up and says, \"I know. If I was in the street and got hit by a car, that would be a tragedy.\" Clinton says, \"No son, that would be an accident.\" Another kid stands up and says,\" I know. If we all were on a field trip and the bus went flying over a cliff, that would be a tragedy.\" Again, Clinton says, \"No son, that would be a great loss.\" The children are silent and then one kid stands and says, \"If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air Force One and it just all of a sudden blew up and you both died, that would be a tragedy.\" Clinton thinks and then asks, \"Now why would you think that is a tragedy?\" The kid replies, \"Well, because it definately wouldn't be an ACCIDENT and it sure as hell wouldn't be a GREAT LOSS!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.The guy from Corona sits down and says \"Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.The guy from Budweiser says \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one.The guy from Coors says \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it.The guy from Guiness sits down and says \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask \"Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?\" and the Guiness resident replies \"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.The Pope says, \"What can I do?\"The Colonel says. \"I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican.\"The Pope replies, \"I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words.\"So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. \"Listen, Your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'\"And the Pope responds, \"It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words.\"So the Colonel gives up again.After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. \"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken,' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.The Pope replies, \"Let me get back to you.\"So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, \"I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.\"The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The pope replies, \"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying \"I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?\" The plumber replied, \"That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.The woman said, \"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.\"The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, \"Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!\"The woman says, \"Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information:Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?!?!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, \"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree.\" With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment,\"Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man that was sittingbehind Bill said, \"No, NO, I said throw the first pitch!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, \"Oh God, I'm screwed.\"The sky darkens and a voice booms out, \"No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.\"So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...The voice booms out again, \"Okay... NOW you're screwed.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.He was furious and said, \"Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!\"\"Yes Sir, Mr. President,\" the interior decorator replied,\"I'll take those mirrors out right away!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: Why are the Spice Girls on the pill?A: So they can figure out what day it is.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a Spice Girl's head?A: space invader.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with half a brain?A: Gifted.Q: What do you see if you look into a Spice Girl's eyes?A: The back of her head."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong.He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.\"Help! Help!\"The tower came back and asked what was wrong.The blind guy says, \"Help Me!!I'm blind, the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!!\"The tower comes back and asks, \"How do you know you're upside down?\" The blind guy replies, \"Because my pee is running *up* my back!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, \"Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't.\" The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, \"How soon do you have to know?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.The lawyer said, \"I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip.\"\"That's quite a coincidence,\" said the engineer. \"I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.\"The lawyer looked confused... \"How do you start a flood?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: As many as you cam afford.Q: How many Lawyers does it take to oil a Hummer?A: 1, If you put him through real slow.Q: What do you call 1000 peg-legged lawyers?A: A waste of good wood!Did you hear the US Supreme Court building was taken over by foreign terroists?They are holding 30 lawyers hostage and they say if their demands are not met, they will start releasing one an hour!!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two hunters were hunting deer when one accidently shot his friend. At the hospital the shooter asked the doctor if his friend would be ok. \"Well, he WOULD have been if you hadn't gutted him.\"Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush. \"Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo store salesman.\" \"OK,\" says Ivan. After a while, Ivan says, \"I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car.\"A hunter just tagged his deer as the game warden walked up. \"Where's your license,\" asked the warden. \"Don't know,\" said the hunter. \"OK, you're under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help me drag the deer,\" said the warden. \"No way,\" said the hunter. \"You drag it.\" Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road, the hunter remembered which pocket held the license."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him.One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend.\"How should I know?\" the herring replied. \"Am I my blubber's kipper?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, \"I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?\" St. Peter replied, \"Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Mike Tyson's Top 10 excuses after the infamous ear-biting incident.10. Got a little carried away after seeing \"Face/Off\".9. Really wanted to win first prize on \"America's Funniest Home Videos\".8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters.7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith.5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called \"strategy\".4. Ears are tasty.3. \"It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me\".2. \"Disqualified\" sounds better than \"got his butt kicked all over the ring\".1. He ran out of gum."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: Hey, did you hear that OJ is starting a limo service?A: Yeah, he guarantees that he'll get you there with plenty of time to kill.Q: Did you hear about Delta Burke's tragic suicide attempt?A: She tried to harpoon herself."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: \"I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. \"Hmmm.,\" he thought, \"I'll get to the bottom of this in no time.\"He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.\"Yep, it's working,\" he concluded.The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, \"The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day, while being driven around the capitol, Hillary notices a young girl with a wagon full of kittens. On the lookout for a PR event, she stops to talk to the girl. As Hillary admires the kittens, the girl proudly boasts \"All my kittens are Democrats!\" Hillary thinks this is just the thing to show those nasty Republicans that even little children know the best party. She makes plans with the little girl to meet in a couple days with Bill and the press corps. When they meet, Bill kneels down in front of the girl and picks up a kitten. \"Hillary says you have something special to tell me about your kittens\" he says. \"Yes, sir. All my kittens are Republicans!\" Hillary splutters \"You told me they were all Democrats!\". The girl responds, \"Yes ma'am, but that was before they opened their eyes.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment...NAME:Greg BulmashDESIRED POSITION:Reclining.Ha ha.But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.DESIRED SALARY:$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.EDUCATION:Yes.LAST POSITION HELD:Target for middle-management hostility.SALARY:Less than I'm worth.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.REASON FOR LEAVING:It sucked.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:Any.PREFERRED HOURS:1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:If I had one, would I be here?DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:Of what?DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:I think the more appropriate question here would be \"Do you have a car that runs?\"HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.DO YOU SMOKE?:Only when set on fire.WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.SIGN HERE:Scorpio with Libra rising."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says, \"My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, Monsignor.'\"Second mother says, \"Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'\"Third mother says, \"Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'\"The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, \"My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "We are all aware that Al Gore is the saviour of the environment and the inventor of the Internet. What is not so widely known are his contributions to mathematics.While the Vice president has not mentioned these publicly, it should be noted that he is responsible for a course that almost every student takes in school- Al G. Bra.His name is also associated with that pattern of operations, the AlGore-rithm and the Pytha-Gore-ean theorem. Now if he could just keep people awake during his speeches....."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder proceed to nail it into the wood.The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, \"Why are you throwing some of the nails away?\"The first blonde explained, \"When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!\"The second blonde explained, \"Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The sargeant was going over the schedule at the Army base. \"I'm sorry to report,\" he said, \"that due to funding cuts, our exercises on the rifle range are going to be canceled for the fifth week in a row - maybe for the rest of the year.\" He flipped through his papers. \"Don't worry though, the semi-annual physical fitness test is still on as planned.\" From the back of the platoon a voice piped up, \"Does it bother anyone else that HQ doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they're extremely interested in how fast we can run?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him.They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary.So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delagation, this time led by the local priest.But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre.The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain.The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain.The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre.The ogre laughed and replied:\"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Celebrity why did the chicken:1. Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?2. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.49999999993. Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.4. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference5. O.J. Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time6. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.7. Colonel Sanders: I missed one?8. Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.9. Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, \"What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?\"10. Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: Why is an elephant gray, large and wrinkled? A: Because if it were small, round, and white, it would be an aspirin. Q:What did the cat who had no money say?A:I'm paw.Q: What do you get if you cross an alley cat with a Chinese cat?A: A Peking Tom.Q: What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?A: She had mittens."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "When the Son of God was nailed to the cross and died, he went straight down to hell from the cross and set free all the sinners who were there in torment.And the devil wept and mourned, for he thought he would get no more sinners for hell.Then God said to him, \"Do not weep, for I shall send you all those who are self-righteous in their condemnation of sinners and hell shall be filled up once more until I return.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Here are a few new perspectives through which to look at life!1. Follow your dream!Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.Do not walk ahead of me, for Imay not follow.Do not walk beside me, either.Just leave me alone.3. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.4. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.5. It's always darkest before the dawn.So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.6. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.7. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the Whatever group.8. Into every life some rain must fall.Usually when your car windows are down.9. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. (try to avoid doing this to guys over 6'5\", because they can turn your body into an accordion Jershie :)10. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting your mother-in-law stay over.11. It's a small world.So you have to use your elbows a lot.12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.13. Love is like a roller coaster. When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.14. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!(silence)Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three Texans, Slim, Billy-Bob and Bubba died and went to heaven.At the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter, who explained that although it was late and God had retired for the evening, he had asked Albert Einstein to show them around so they wouldn't get bored before they met God in the morning. After Einstein had introduced himself to Slim, he asked:\"By the way, Slim, what was your IQ when you were alive?\"\"159\", said Slim.\"Great!\", said Einstein. We'll discuss my general theory of relativity and maybe a little unified field theory as I show you around.\"\"What an exciting opportunity!\", said Slim.Einstein then introduced himself to Billy-Bob, and when he was done he said:\"Tell me, Billy-Bob - what was your IQ when you were alive?\"\"141\", said Billy-Bob.\"Good,\" said Einstein. \"If you'd like, we can discuss a little mathematics and philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights.\"\"Nothing I'd like better!\" was Billy-Bob's reply.After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked:\"What was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?\"\"58\" said Bubba.Punching him on the arm, Einstein said:\"Hey, Bubba - How 'bout them Cowboys!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A century ago, a young student at the great Oxford University in England was taking an important examination in religious studies.The examination question for this day was to write about the religious and spiritual meaning in the miracle of Christ turning water into wine.For two hours he sat in the crowded classroom while other students filled their pages with long essays, to show their understanding.The exam time was almost over and this one student had not written a single word.The proctor came over to him and insisted that he commit something to the paper before turning it in.The young Lord Byron simply picked up his hand and penned the following line:\"The water met its Master, and blushed.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sayings According To First GradersA first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:Better to be safe than .... punch a 5th graderStrike while the ... bug is close.It's always darkest before ... daylight savings timeNever underestimate the power of ... termites.You can lead a horse to water but ... how?Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty.No news is ... impossible.A miss is as good as a ... Mrs.You can't teach an old dog ... math.If you lie down with dogs, you ... will stink in the morning.Love all, trust ... me.The pen is mightier than ... the pigs.An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.Where there is smoke, there's ... pollution.Happy is the bride who ... gets all the presents.A penny saved is ... not much.Two is company, three's ... The Musketeers.None are so blind as ... Helen Keller.Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.You get out of something what you ... see pictured on the box.When the blind lead the blind ... get out of the way.There is no fool like ... Aunt Edie.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and ... you have to blow your nose."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "During the \"rush hour\" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. They were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for them.After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, \"We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.\"A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. \"Sorry,\" he said, \"wrong plane.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.\"Bob is that you?\" Earl asked.\"Of course it me,\" Bob replied.\"This is unbelievable!\" Earl exclaimed. \"So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?\"\"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?\"\"Tell me the good news first.\"\"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.\"\"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?\"\"You're pitching tomorrow night.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support:Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I create a New Document window?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?A: Don't shake it."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "IDEALISM:Happy Birthday.CAPITALISM:I shopped all day for your birthday.COMMUNISM:We only celebrate Lenin's birthday.CORPORATE AMERICA:Happy birthday. You're fired.AGNOSTICISM:I'm not sure if it's your birthday or not.ATHEISM:I can't believe it's your birthday.HINDUISM:Holy Cow!Is it your birthday?HINDUISM:Ever get that feeling you've been born before?TAOISM:It's everybody's birthday.BUDDHISM:If your birthday party was held in the forest and nobody came... would it make a sound?CATHOLICISM: Sorry, we need candles for votive purposes.CATHOLICISM:If your parents used birth control, you wouldn't even _have_ a birthday, so there!CATHOLICISM:It's your birthday but you don't deserve a cake or even this greeting card.EPISCOPALIANISM: Tasteful birthday to you! Care for some Dry Sack?LUTHERANISM:I take it on faith it's your birthday. So I don't need to send cards and gifts, right?EXISTENTIALISM:Your birthday means nothing to me.FUNDAMENTALISM: But when is your _spiritual_ birthday?SARCASM:You don't look half bad for someone twice your age.JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES:Knock! Knock!Happy Birthday!MORMONS:Which birthday are we talking about? the spirit world or the current one?QUAKERS:I am moved to wish you a peaceful birthday.UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALISTS:Have any kind of birthday you want.WICCANS:Have the Earth Mother of all birthdays!SATANIC CHURCH OF AMERICA:It's not my birthday, so screw off!GNOSTICS:It's your birthday, but don't tell anyone -- It's a secret!KABBALISTS:Another step on the tree of life? Geez, how many branches up are you?MASONS:I'll wish you a happy birthday, but first -- show me the sign.LEWIS CARROLL:A very happy unbirthday to you!(and you and you and you)."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, \"I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?\"The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. \"After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?\" he thought.Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.The guy turns to his friend and says \"That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check.\"After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, \"By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?\"The other guy replies, \"Same as his driving.\"\"That good, huh?\"\"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: What do you get when you cross a fly with an elephant?A: A zipper that never forgets.Q: Where does virgin wool come from?A: Ugly sheep.Q: How do you tell when a moth farts?A: It flies in a straight line."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building.The professor of English walking by asked, \"What seems to be the problem?\"\"We,\" said the professor of mathematics, \"were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole.\"The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, \"It is exactly 20 feet long,\" and walked away smoking his pipe.Looking at the English professor's receding back, the professor of physics remarked, \"Smart Ass. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.Both Presidents were shot in the head.Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.Both were assassinated by Southerners.Both were succeeded by Southerners.Both successors were named Johnson.Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.Both assassins were known by their three names.Both names are composed of fifteen letters.Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.And here's the kicker...A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little girl came to a pregnent lady, and while pointing to her stomach asked : \"What's that?\"The lady proudly replied: \"That's my little baby and I love him very much!\"The little girl then said: \"If you love him that much, then why the hell did you eat him?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife loved him.She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, \"My husband's home! My husband's home!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.\"I'll say he is Daddy.\" responded the girl.\"Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top.\"What's in that box?\" Mrs. Riddle asked.\"A cat,\" Mrs. Biddle answered.\"What for?\"\"I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them.\"\"But the mice you dream about are imaginary,\" said Mrs. Riddle.Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, \"So is the cat.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, \"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.\"The Irishman replies, \"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self.\"The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.One day, he comes in and orders two pints.All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, \"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.\"The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.\"Oh, no. Everyone's fine,\" He explains, \"It's just that I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Farmer John was taking his cow and it's new born calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however left the new born calf behind.Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.\"Why are you thrashing the poor calf?, his neighbors asked? To which farmer John replied, \"I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am not your mother!, I am not your mother .......!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said \"Well, give me the good news first.\" She said \"The good news is that the air bag works.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man comes home after a heavy night's drinking. His wife won't open the door for him, so he starts hammering on it. She still won't let him in, so he starts shouting. The neighbors are starting to notice, so in an attempt to embarrass her, he starts singing at the top of his voice: \"I had her before she was married, I had her before she was married!\" The top window immediately flies open, and his wife responds \"And so did half the damn football team!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, \"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?\"The Lord sighed, and said, \"No, I guess not.\"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, \"Why did you let him do that?\"The Lord smiled and replied, \"Who's he going to tell?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.Finally his exasperated partner says, \"What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!\"The guy answers, \"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.\"\"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, \"Do you serve lawyers here?\".\"Sure do,\" replied the bartender.\"Good,\" said the man. \"Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "During the Cold War many years ago, a young man would ride his bicycle every day from Italy up to the check-point at the Yugoslav border where he would be questioned by the uniformed border-guard.\"Where are you going today, Capitalist Scumbag?\" asked the guard.\"To visit my mother, Sir.\"\"Step inside. You will be searched\" ordered the guard.The young man was thoroughly searched and released, but the guard remained suspicious.This routine was repeated every day for several years but the border guard, still convinced that the man was a smuggler, could find nothing.Eventually, with the end of the Cold War, the border was opened and the young man would occasionally stop in a tavern on the Yugoslav side.One afternoon, as he sat at the bar, the old border-guard came over and sat down beside him.\"The War is over now\", said the guard \"and I am retired, but I still have nightmares about you. You really were a smuggler, weren't you.\"\"Yes, of course\" replied the young man.\"But what were you smuggling?\"The young man swallowed a mouthful of beer and smiled. \"Bicycles\" he replied."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!\" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, \"Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Jeff had been standing in hs dark and dank cellar for wellover and hour with his hands gripping a leaky pipe.The water spurtedbetween his fingers.His shoes were getting wetter and wetter.Suddenly he heard his wife's voice calling down the cellar door.\"Honey, you can take your hands off that leak now!\"\"Why,\" yelled Jeff, \"did the plumber finally get here?\"\"No,\" responded his loving wife, \"the house is on fire.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the man: \"Who died?\"\"My Mother in law.\"\"How?\" Joe asked.\"The dog bit her.\"\"Can I borrow the dog?\"\"Get in line.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying \"I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?\" The plumber replied, \"That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!\"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever,\" he thought.So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he snuck inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.\"Did you hear that Fluffy died?\" the neighbor asked.\"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?\" Chris mumbled.The neighbor replied: \"We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.\"$10 for 3 minutes,\" replied the pilot.\"That's too much,\" said the farmer.The pilot thought for a second and then said, \"I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.\"The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, \"I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.\"\"Maybe so,\" said the farmer, \"But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane are caught in a snowstorm on the side of a mountain. They stumble across a cave and decide to take shelter.On entering they are greeted by an awful stench which, on inspection, turns out to come from a half-dead goat which has taken refuge in the cave.The three of them debate what to do and the Norwegian agrees to go in first. Five minutes later he staggers out sick with nausea and collapses.Then the Dane goes in and, ten minutes later crawls out and expires.Finally the Swede goes in and, fifteen minutes later.. the goat comes out."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.\"It ain't so bad,\" one crook noted. \"We got out with $25 between us.\"\"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!\" the boss screamed. \"We had over $100 when we broke in!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says \"Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish.\"The hardware engineer went first. \"I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.\" The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.The software engineer went next. \"I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.\" The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. \"And what would your wish be?\" asked the genie. \"I want them both back after lunch\" replied the project manager."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, \"Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you, you could come and go as you please around here?\"Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, \"My lawyer.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says \"Jane.. give me a double Matini\". Jane says \"What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!\" Tarzan says \"It's a jungle out there!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy came home to his wife and said to her:\"Guess what?I've found a great job. A 10am start, 2pm finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week in the hand to boot!\"\"That's great,\" his wife said.\"Yeah, it's unreal,\" he agreed.\"You start Monday.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Up in heaven there is a white picket fence.On one side stood GOD on the other side stood Satan and a few of his henchmen.The devilshelpers were kicking holes in the fence.GOD said \"if you don't tell them to stop, I'll sue you\".Satan started laughing and replied \"You think you'll find a lawyer on your side of the fence?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. \"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,\" said the man. \"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.\"The son-in-law interrupted, \"I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.\"\"I see,\" replied the father-in-law. \"Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.\"\"I hate office work,\" said the son-on-law. \"I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.\"\"Wait a minute,\" said the father-in-law. \"I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?\"\"Easy,\" said the young man. \"Buy me out.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A mine owner is looking for new guys to do some necessary jobs, so he advertised and 3 guys turned up.One is a big muscular irish guy, the other is an italian guy and the last one is japanese.The owner tells the irish guy that he will be in charge of the mining because he is strong, the italian will be in charge of the money and the Japanese because he is good with numbers will be in charge of the supplies.In the next morning everybody is coming to work and someone is counting the people going into the mine... 200 people.Everything goes well and at the end of the day they do not wanna leave anybody in the mine so they count the people who go out... 199.They went back to look for the last one. They were looking for a few hours and then just before they were about to leave the japanese jumped from behind the rock shouting: \"SUPPLIES! SUPPLIES!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "When Mother Theresa died she went to Heaven. For a week or two she was fully satisfied that she had to eat only fruits and vegetables, but then one day complained to St.Peter and asked for some cooked meal. - My Dear, - said St.Peter, - and who is going to cook every day for just the three of us?!This Preacher's son asks his father,\"Dad, can I have a car?\" The preacher replies,\", I will get you a car IF you get a haircut.\" Then his son says,\"Dad, Jesus had long hair.\" \"Yeah but he walked everywhere.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. \"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce\", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, \"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.\" The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.\"Wait sir,\" the loan officer said, \"while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?The man smiled. \"Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the \"Fasten Seat Belts\" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.\"Well,\" explained the girl, \"up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees.What would you do?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by.Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.At this point, one of the other three said, \"You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen.\"And the guy answers, \"Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.\"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,\" he said.\"I know,\" the owner said. \"But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.\"The contractor said. \"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.\"A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.\"Wonderful!\" she replied, \"However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The following is a status report from a business unit to their Y2K coordinator.\"Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.We are proud to report that we have completed the \"Y-to-K\" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, Decemberand:Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, SaturdakI trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Waitress walks up to a man and says \"Hi, May I take your order please?\" The man replies, \"Yes, can I get the turtle soup please.\"The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup instead. He calls for the waitress and says, \"Hold the turtle, make it pea!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, \"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.\"The professor said \"I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.\"The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, \"I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.\"I'll say he is Daddy.\" responded the girl.\"Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, \"Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.\"\"We don't have any.\" replied the first blonde. \"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses.\" said the Game Warden.\"But officer,\" replied the second blonde, \"we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.\"The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. \"Well, I know of no law against it,\" said the Game Warden, \"take all the debris you want.\" And with that, the Game Warden left.As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. \"What a dumb Fish Cop,\" the second blonde said to the other two, \"doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says \"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are\". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, \"I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground\". So Harry yells down to the man \"Hey, could you tell us where we are?\". And the man on the ground yells back \"You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air\". George turns to Harry and says \"That man must be a lawyer\". AndHarry says \"How can you tell?\". George says \"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless\".That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: \"Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: Why are the Spice Girls on the pill?A: So they can figure out what day it is.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a Spice Girl's head?A: space invader.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with half a brain?A: Gifted.Q: What do you see if you look into a Spice Girl's eyes?A: The back of her head."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. \"Good lord!\" he screamed, \"one of the engines just blew up!\" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. \"Say,\" spoke up an alert passenger, \"aren't those parachutes?\" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, \"But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?\" \"There isn't,\" replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. \"We're going to get help.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three construction workers were working on a sky scraper, discussing their lunch.The first construction worker said, \"Ham, ham, ham! All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham sandwiches. If I get another ham sandwich tommorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself.\"The second construction worker said, \"Turkey, turkey, turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I'm so sick of them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm gonna kill myself, too!\"The last construction worker said, \"Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch is a peanut butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I get another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join you guys and jump off this sky scraper.\"The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself.The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself. And the third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself, too.At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the first construction worker said, \"If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another ham sandwich.\"The wife of the second construction worker said, \"If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich.\"The wife of the third construction worker said, \"I don't know why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. \"Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.\"\"Fair to both!\" exploded Mrs. LaMay. \"I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for?\"-*-After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, \"I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked how she liked it.\"Oh, I really liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.\"\"What do you mean?\"\"Everone kept screaming, \"Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!\""
}
] |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.