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How common is this for people with AvPD? Sorry, I'll try to keep it relatively short. I'm a 31-year-old male and I've never been diagnosed with AvPD, but while reading about the symptoms a month ago, things finally made sense to me why I act a certain way. I thought I just had some kind of social anxiety when I went to therapy several years ago, but I've felt that there has to be something else since I started feeling different in middle school. I've avoided people, responsibilites and have taken jobs where I can mostly avoid interpersonal communication. I do still have close friends, a great family and a girlfriend, but I still have this urge to self-isolate and be alone. However, I do try to help people whenever asked and I try to do well at my workplace. Right now, I have an opportunity to work longer at my current job and might even get a promotion 1-3 years along the line in a position that I could basically hold for the rest of my working life. But it would surely involve a lot more responsibilites, speaking another language I don't know too well (I live in a bilingual country, where I speak the minority language) a lot more and of course, a ton more interpersonal communication. I've searched and applied for other jobs recently because my current contract will expire in a few months. I'm much more inclined to take a temp job for 1 and a half year with something I like more and less interpersonal communication than a potential permanent job position. It probably sounds crazy for most people if they heard this, but this is genuinely how I feel. I let my feelings of inadequacy and wanting to avoid people control me instead of doing something that could secure my future. Is this at all relatable?

Personality disorder

Any advice is greatly appreciated I have AvPD and I am too afraid to ask for help. Even if I found the courage to find a therapist, I am a minor so I would also have to tell my parents (that just feels impossible). Do you guys have ideas of small steps I could take so I can work my way up to having the courage to get help? (I struggle with things like ordering food at restaurants so is there anything easier than that?)

Personality disorder

Finally deactivated Facebook. Where I am from, everybody is on Facebook. That anxiety inducing place, where I never feel safe and I feel hated, invisible and dumb. Lately I've been spiralling and posted sad, angsty posts to people who don't care about me. Thankfully, I got only 60 "friends". Facebook made me feel more alone. I'm disabled and I don't go outside and I struggle with texting. I just don't get it. I don't have the energy. I kept deleting my posts, feeling more ashamed. I need it for something that's work related and still ongoing. But enough. I don't care if everyone is there, I rather not feel like a burden and vent on Reddit. Having a profile with my name and face while I am utterly depressed? No thanks. It's not like I made any friends there. I really hope that my issues will be resolved and I won't go back and make a fool outta myself because no one cares.

Personality disorder

I desperately wish/ want to live alone but physically/financially cant I have always dreamed, goal of mine to get away from my family and all people if I worked hard I could live by myself and never ever have any obligation to speak to another human being so long as I had my ducks in a row both financially and in general (think ordering groceries and just leave it at the door, tip well, go away). I'm getting older and I hate how much I keep needing to interact with people, I don't have anyone in my life other than my parents but even they are on my last tiny nerves... except we've been needing eachothers help a lot. They're old and need help, I'm getting older and sometimes need help when im getting sick or life happens. This flop era is turning into a flop lifetime. I'm drained seeing people. I just want to wake up 1 day in my own place and hear complete and total silence, never cross paths with another human being, never make eye contact or play the dumb game of "social interaction" and just have enough... stuff to get my needs met. Not even an escape I just want to exist solely.

Personality disorder

Do you also feel this way? I just really came across with this term avoidant personality disorder on Google by searching "why do I want to be alone and live on my own away from others" and I clicked on the very first article that came up. I couldn't give much clearer description of myself after reading the article and so I looked it up on reddit and surprisingly a subreddit exists dedicated to this. I desire to be alone and living on my own away from my family and people because I feel inhibited by them. I feel like I'm restricted and couldn't act my true self when I'm with them maybe because I'm afraid of being disliked by them? I'm not really sure and I'm still learning and knowing about myself. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Personality disorder

Once people get to know me they tend to love me... They only problem is they never get to know me, because the only possible way they will is if I am forced to be in a situation with repeated exposure to them, in which case I become familiar and slowly open up over the span of a week or two. It's downright disturbing how many times this has happened in my life, and it's depressing to think that those opportunities are few and far between now that I'm out of the primary environment they occur (school). I was so desperate at one point that, despite having everything people normally strive for (great career, money, success, etc.), I thought about joining the army just to meet people... Holy shit what is wrong with me.

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

New to the community/diagnosis Hey all, I was just diagnosed with AvPD yesterday (along with some other things), and to be honest, I still feel a little shell shocked. I'm still learning more about the diagnoses obviously, but I wanted to ask what tips or lessons the community has for a newbie like me. What do you wish you knew when you were first diagnosed? I've been working on overhauling my brain for a few years, and I want to avoid falling into a trap where I just give up before I can fail (as it is my tendency to do).

Personality disorder

Dating apps even harder with AvPD Disclaimer: I dislike dating app culture in general. There's a hell of a lot more to a person than a few pictures and prompts. \--- If I'm not attracted to someone then I won't swipe on them. If I am attracted to someone and there's even one thing on their profile that I lack or don't relate to then I won't swipe on them either. If there's someone I'm attracted to and there's nothing problematic in their profile, I won't swipe on them because I doubt they'll be interested in me. In the end this leaves a very very small pool of people which I guess makes the whole thing pointless?

Personality disorder

My friend expressed that she is disappointed in me. Long story short, I felt tired and anxious and wanted to go home and skip one class. I didn't show up for this class in forever and didn't turn in much work, so she was worried I'd procrastinate like I did in 1 semester and fail. When I said I'll probably skip again, she looked at me with so much disappointment, and said "I really should stop caring about people that much". It didn't register then, but it hits me now how hurt I am from her words. It feels like I'm not doing good enough, and I probably am not. So that day I forced myself to sit through the class and even showed some progress to my professor. But I can't get the look on her face out of my mind. To be fair to her, I said I needed to leave in a kinda joking manner because that's my coping mechanism. So maybe she didn't think I felt as horrible as I did and thought i wanted to skip to avoid work.

Personality disorder

Feeling down lately It was my birthday the other day and it was a bit depressing. I spent it in the house eating a frozen pizza (it was good though lol) I didnt really do anything besides that and eating some cheesecake (also good). I was hurt that nobody wanted to celebrate with me besides my mom I dont have many friends besides a few online friends, and lately i feel like they're distancing themselves from me and I deal with rejection sensitivity and along with the avpd I feel like its all eating away at me. When I see my friends talk to eachother or plan things without me, it honestly hurts me and makes me want to cry. My friend says everybody cares and loves me, but in my avpd brain its not true and that they all would be happy if i was out of their lives To make this worse, my therapist is moving soon and im scared i wont be able to find another therapist, especially someone as nice and understanding as them. She has helped me with a lot, and im scared i wont be able to find someone as nice and supportive as her. The last time i had a therapist who knew of my avpd, they screamed at me and said i couldnt be helped... This is all just making me feel hopelessly depressed and feeling rejected 🫠

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

how to get over fear of therapy/getting help i'm 18 and have never gone to therapy or received any help and i really want to try it out but i'm so terrified of it and keep thinking things such as, 'what if i misinterpret a question and answer "wrong"' or that i will waste their time by not being completely truthful. i very very rarely open up to anyone and when i do i have the sudden urge to cut off all contact with them which would obviously not be very useful with a therapist. i did once apply for therapy for social anxiety but cancelled the process just as i got to the last step because i convinced myself i was faking it. i want help and i don't want things to get worse but i don't know how to go about it. any advice on how to overcome this fear or services available that i should start with? (i'm from the uk btw)

Personality disorder

Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 3) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z17zj)

Personality disorder

Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 2) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z16lg)

Personality disorder

Is freezing during a conversation an AvPD symptom? Hi all! I'm new to this subreddit, I was recently diagnosed with AvPD. I'm trying to understand it and come to terms with it. The thing is, I don't have social anxiety in terms of not wanting to spend time with people at all... when it's about folks I know, like my colleagues and friends, I'm even more-than-average social. However, I do notice that I'm... slow in social interactions. I mean that someone will say something and my brain shuts down and I can't answer properly in the moment. Or I can't hear someone properly but I'm too afraid to ask them to repeat themselves (?!) so I just kinda freeze and/or act as if I heard what they said and the conversation goes on. Then later I think of a "correct" reaction and can't for my life understand why I shut down during the convo and couldn't just think of this reaction then. This happens with friends too, although it's more common with folks I'm not that comfortable with. Is this an AvPD thing or just a "me thing"? TL;DR Is shutting down during conversations and only thinking of a proper reaction later an AvPD thing?

Personality disorder

“You’re still single man? What’s a young, good looking guy like you doing wrong?” My brain is broken. I’m incapable of creating and maintaining close relationships, either out of some awkward self-consciousness or fear. That’s pretty much all there is to it. The fact that I seem pretty normal/smart/athletic on the outside only makes things worse. People have expectations for me socially and I obviously don’t meet them. So what’s their conclusion? He’s weird, something must be off about that guy. How can he have all this stuff but be so strange. They’ll never understand I just want to experience life like they do, lol. I’m forever the empath that can’t make a life with other people.

Personality disorder

My future feels so hopeless. I'm 28 years old, my resume is useless, haven't worked in 2 years, and I am very avoidant of the world Hi there. I have been depressed since I was 12 years old. I am now 28. I also struggle with BPD, social anxiety and Avoidant Personality Disorder, afraid to leave the house by myself, reliant on my 66 year old mother to pay my medical insurance, and my husband is working full time barely keeping us afloat. I have tried and tried to work. Several different fields. Even part time. It always ended up in burn out and felt more depressed and anxious so I had to quit. I am worried, I feel my future is really hopeless. I love my husband so much. We wanted to have a family and it's feeling like that won't happen because of my mental health and the low money thing. I am afraid he will abandon me because of all this though deep down really don't feel like he will because he has been here through everything. I know that is so much. That is definitely something to be grateful for. But we fight a good bit because we're both so stressed out. Nothing really brings me happiness except substances, (and that leads to bad feelings when it wears off or sometimes when on them) and I've been mostly sober for a year. I see a therapist. I take medications. I just... I am not content in life. I am constantly worried about everything. I constantly feel like I'm worthless and my husband deserves someone more stable that he doesn't essentially have to be a caregiver to at times. I stay in bed about 70% of my days because I feel like things are so hard to do and feel so pointless. I don't have many friends and live in a small town, so there aren't any meetup groups or anything. And since I don't work and am not in school, no opportunities to make many friends. I do have one so I can try to branch out with her friends maybe. It feels like life is just about working. And I feel so depressed by the state of everything, and by my worries that things won't improve in the future. Things don't get better. Not if you don't work for them. And I have worked, I've tried so many treatments, but the one thing I rarely do is go out in the world. And I don't know if I can do that without a lot of help that I don't know if I can find. Please if you can relate at all, or have any advice, please please respond. <3 I'm desperate.

Personality disorder

What are your waking habits like? I try to be an early bird and probably feel a bit more human when I am but it's definitely more natural for me to be awake in the early hours of the morning and wake up later in the day. Thought it was worth asking to see whether most are night owls in an attempt to avoid life? [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11y8hsd)

Personality disorder

I suspect myself of having AvPD I am turning 17 in a month and a half and I suspect myself of having AvPD, I am trying to do more research on the disorder, I am not going to self diagnose, but I am hoping people who are diagnosed can tell me more about the traits and what its like having AvPD.

Personality disorder

Inner monologue is brutal One problem I have with criticism, and people offering it, is that I've heard it already. A lot. From myself. I think the worst things about myself to myself constantly. The other night, I told myself that I'm nothing more than potential. The reason I'm lonely is because no one wants to wait around for me to finally decide to be a reality. Im walking-empty promises. That encompasses a lot. So when someone wants to "tell me about myself", it feels like a rerun. And they hate that. Hate that they can't get their issue off, or add their redundant nugget of truth. Idk if that's part of avpd. And its coming off as arrogant. It's not the critiscm itself. I don't mind. More fuel for the fire. It's the attitude that erupts in response to me being unphased. I always feel like I'm preparing myself for the worst possible things so I'm not as affected when they happen. Being one step ahead of anyone trying to hurt me. Sorry if this has been discussed. I'm in and out a lot.

Personality disorder

how to get over fear of therapy/getting help i'm 18 and have never gone to therapy or received any help and i really want to try it out but i'm so terrified of it and keep thinking things such as, 'what if i misinterpret a question and answer "wrong"' or that i will waste their time by not being completely truthful. i very very rarely open up to anyone and when i do i have the sudden urge to cut off all contact with them which would obviously not be very useful with a therapist. i did once apply for therapy for social anxiety but cancelled the process just as i got to the last step because i convinced myself i was faking it. i want help and i don't want things to get worse but i don't know how to go about it. any advice on how to overcome this fear or services available that i should start with? (i'm from the uk btw)

Personality disorder

Why do I keep letting friends go It's not like it's hard for me to make friends, but keeping them seems almost impossible. I inevitably just stop messaging because it feels too difficult. I hate that I'm like this because I desperately do need connection, but I can never hold onto something once it's there.

Personality disorder

reading through this sub feeling like i fit in for the first time in my life i’ve spent so much of my life feeling like a complete freak who doesn’t fit in anywhere, it’s made me avoid social situations and relationships because i’m so terrified of someone realising i’m not normal and hating me for it - then in turn missing out on those experiances & relationships just makes me feel even more like an outcast who shouldn’t exist i’ve tried on so many hats for why i feel like this (social anxiety, autism, cptsd, etc etc) but they never fit right and i just feel so much more shame. then i stumbled on an infographic about personality disorders, looked up this sub and everything written here felt so familiar. so much of my anxiety came from feeling like i was alone in my experiences so it’s so comforting knowing all of you are here and exist somewhere in the world. i just wanted to say thank you all 💛

Personality disorder

Why is AVPD considered a personality disorder and not a mental illness? So from what i have read seems like AVPD is the only pure ego-dystonic personality disorder and usually personality disorders are seen as a flaw in someone's personality and are ego-syntonic in nature but in the case of AVPD seems like no one likes to have this condition. So why isn't AVPD considered a mental illness because the symptoms of someone with AVPD seems to match up with different things like social anxiety and extreme low self esteem? Like the symptoms are basically the same in a lot of ways.

Personality disorder

I hate myself so much I met this guy on vacation, and we hung out for two days at the pool. I'm a very socially anxious person, but with him, I felt like I'd known him for years. One night, he told other teenagers that he liked me. They told me, and they were hyping me up saying stuff like "oh look your boyfriend's here". I was so excited. I never had a guy like me before. I was bullied at school for being the quiet kid in class, and I would run to my parents, hoping they'd comfort me. But they'd get mad at me for being so quiet and they'd blame me too. I used to go up to my room at night and sing myself to sleep "someday, my prince will come". Now he was finally here. So I went up to him and asked him if he liked me. He told me he had a girlfriend, and got mad at our friends for telling me. He cut off contact with with me. I was so sad that the one person who saw me for the good I have to offer, still gave it up. They broke up two months later, and he looks at my social media. We're not in contact, but according to my friend, a playlist on his Spotify was made as a birthday present to me. But I don't forgive him. I’m not angry at him for being loyal. I’m angry at him for thrusting me into this situation. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him, but I was the one that suffered the greatest. He got to choose between two girls. His girlfriend is a victim too, but at least he tried to make things okay with her. And me? I had no intention of getting in the way of a relationship. I just thought I finally fell in love.

Personality disorder

Appearance and AvPD It seems superficial almost but my severe acne is contributing a lot to my avoidant tendencies right now. I'm doing everything in my power to treat it: dermatologist, prescription acne cream, antibiotics, clean bedding, clean diet, daily showers, face wash etc. It just seems to get worse every day and it is some of the worst I've seen. I'm talking big red cysts. At this point I'm convinced my lithium is causing it. I was making decent progress too. I was going to groups and started volunteering to get out of my house and around people again. I'm trying to work up to going back to work. But I just can't bring myself to keep volunteering looking like this. If I go out of my comfort zone while constantly concerned about how I look and feeling gross I feel as though I'm doomed to fail. If my mental state begins to slip it triggers my hyperhidrosis and then I pretty much have to bail. I'm kind of just stuck in a period of regression after making some strides. I don't know what to do it just feels hopeless. Between severe cystic acne and hyperhidrosis it is so fucking difficult to put myself into social situations. It's much safer to just hide away and wait it out but each day that passes is another day I've lost.

Personality disorder

Respond to my text immediately or I'll think I said something wrong I never let the ppl I talk to know this. That would just be manipulative and rude, but even if we been texting for years, good friends, and have been in a nonstop convo the past 5 hours, my heart still races when they take longer than usual to respond. I think oh fuck, I said something wrong. I always say something wrong. I can't ever say anything right. I'm such a- Then they'll reply. I chide myself for being so silly. Then do the same thing 40 more times within the same conversation. You'd think being proven wrong so many times would fix it, but no. I always think, "Ah, *this* is the time I fucked up. All the others were false alarms, but I've really done it now." Rinse repeat.

Personality disorder

I can't pretend anymore. I can't market myself anymore. I can't pretend that I have more going for me than I do. I just can't.

Personality disorder

The worst part is the lack of hope I’m always gonna be like this. Even with years of therapy and meds, even while on copious amounts of confidence enhancing and anxiety reducing drugs, I’m still too socially anxious and awkward. Sure I can force myself to socialise but I can’t force myself to enjoy it, or force myself to relax and just be myself. The fact that this shit isn’t getting any better no matter what I try is so demoralising, it makes everything else pointless, having severe avpd/social anxiety really does infect every little area of your life. I can’t hold a job, I can’t make friends, I haven’t talked to a girl in years, never mind having a relationship. My anxiety is so bad I get second hand anxiety watching people interact on a tv screen, or hearing others use voice chat in video games. And as I said, sure I could force myself to ‘get out there’ and maybe make friends or a gf, but I can’t force myself to enjoy being around them. I’d be constantly stressed out, tense, unable to relax. I’d have nothing in common with them, I only ever feel comfortable alone. Living with a brain like this is like torture, craving connections and feeling horribly lonely but being unable to actually make any connections or function in a social situation. I’m technically an adult but I have no independence, I still feel like a child, and I know for a fact that if I keep on going my future is nothing but boring, bleak and lonely. What’s the point of going to an awful, stressful job everyday if my days off are just as bad. My ‘hobbies’ are just escapism, I don’t even enjoy anything anymore, I’m just so tired, I really don’t see the point in going on when my brain is this fucked up and my future is inevitably empty and alone. I’m barely in my 20s but I’m certain I won’t make it to 30, it’s so crazy how fucked up i am, avpd is so awful, it robs you of a basic human need but still leaves you with the desire for it. A longing hunger that can never be sated, the empty void inside my only gets bigger, things are only getting worse. No heartbreak or feeling of loss, nothing to even look back on, there’s just nothing. There has always been nothing, my life is empty and always will be

Personality disorder

This is a bit of a weird question, but does anyone else relate a lot to these anime titles? (Mushishi, Kino's Journey etc) I've always wondered if this is something AvPD adjacent. * Mushishi * Kino's Journey * Spice and wolf * Girl's last tour * Serial Experiments Lain They are not really related in any genre way but all feature some sort of disconnect with the MCs and the rest of the world. It's like you're just traveling through it and never really putting down roots but instead just observing for a while and then moving on, they all sort of have this somber undertone that you're not really a part of the world and just experiencing small parts of it. Most of them feature a pair traveling together which makes it feel less lonely but Mushishi only has the MC and that's the one that feels closest to AvPD in a weird way in my mind. Does this make sense?

Personality disorder

All I am is a useless burden I volunteer at a place that I like to help out at despite my debilitating anxiety because I like helping people (plus It’ll help me gain credit for my future job) but for a few days I didn’t show up due to sickness. Now i’m supposed to text them when I don’t show up, my manager? boss? made that very clear. She even gave me her personal email to text because she understood that I absolutely couldn’t take phone calls due to anxiety. Now I may or may not have just skipped that part as I’d hate to bother them with a text plus it’s embarrassing. So basically my school counselor (who is in contact with my manager) comes up to me and tells me that my manager was very upset and direct that I can’t keep not notifying them when I can’t go and I have one last chance or she’d rather have me not help out at all. This of course (I soooo badly wanna say traumatized, because it feels that way but i’ve experienced trauma before to know that this experience wasn’t actually traumatic) really hurt me. All I wanted to do was help. I just wanted to be useful to someone for once and all I did was end up being a burden. I hate myself for this i’m scared to even go in again. If I can’t even hold a volenteer position, i’m sure as hell aren’t ever going to be able to get a real job when I get older. I fucking hate this disease, it’s taking my life away.

Personality disorder

Just venting Wanna preface this by saying that I'm not diagnosed nor do I self-diagnose. It's just that I can relate to some of the symptoms and people here, and I'm wondering if anyone can relate to my feelings. I feel insane sometimes. I feel really neurotic, paranoid, insecure, and immature sometimes. When I don't think about memories or people that upset me, I'm fine. These past few months I've been slowly recovering from this horrible depression that's plagued me for a while, but in these past few days it's been returning as I start thinking about these bad memories again. I feel traumatized and like I'm a victim of something I can't understand. Like I'm alone in this pain. The thing is that my "trauma" is really just a dozen or so bad interactions I had in my old circle of friends. In particular, there was this one person who I had a handful of unpleasant interactions with. These were mostly brief exchanges that shouldn't have affected me as much as they did, but they felt really, sincerely resentful and unwarranted. What did I do? I didn't know how to stand up for myself, and nobody did for me. This person lashed out at me, calling me insecure and afraid a couple of times, and said some horrible things about people with my disability. They're ableist and, honestly, that group as a whole was too. Not out of malicious intent but ignorance. This person wasn't wrong, but the way they treated me didn't help. Seeing those criticisms mirrored by others a couple of times made me feel even more weak, because I knew I was being talked about behind my back. And when I did eventually see how this person talked about me behind my back, it felt nasty and unwarranted. Still though, it feels so fucking stupid man. I don't know why I let this hurt me. It's been months since I stopped talking to those friends, a few years since those bad exchanges occured, and it still affects me. I never met a person who exhibited such resentment for me in my life, seemingly for no justifiable reason. It really hurt my self-esteem and it still does. When I think about those friends for too long I start to say things like "I wanna die" to myself, like a tic. It's so stupid and I feel like a horrible person for this. For feeling such disproportionate hurt over a dozen or so bad memories. When I don't think about this stuff I begin to feel more "normal" again though. Sorry that this is so long but I'm just wondering if anyone can relate. If not, sorry for wasting your time. I hope this isn't considered off-topic since I'm undiagnosed. But yeah, I feel really pathetic about this side of myself. Maybe I'm just highly neurotic, I don't know. I just wish I could understand what's wrong with me.

Personality disorder

Boudoir sexytime dynamics Do you prefer your sexual partner to be a dom(me)? Please elaborate.

Personality disorder

Talked to a friend for the first time in over a month ... Like an actual phone call conversation. It felt really good! Sending good vibes to everyone here in this subreddit 🤗

Personality disorder

Everything has an End I often fantasize comitting suicide.. its bad but I feel this is only way out. All my life since I was a little I've been incredibly distressed and downtrodden and broken inside. Been longing for a break from all the misery but it has never occurred. The only thing that's keeping me a little hopeful is telling myself that everything has an End. What I experience has an end whether My life will improve or simply just Die. Either way I welcome it.

Personality disorder

Does anyone find it so hard to get over a comment/criticism to the point they feel suicidal? Trigger warning. Mention of Eating disorders and suicide. A month ago my brother was talking about how he just turned 30. He was saying how he didn’t look 30 and he pointed to me and said “he looks older than me”. I’m 24. It felt like a stab in my heart. Ever since I’ve barely left the house. I wasn’t trying to date before that but now I’m not even going to try. I feel suicidal now and I don’t feel like life’s worth living. I’m old looking for my age so I should just give up. That comment is running through my mind 24/7. It’s torture. I feel so embarrassed. If my brother knew what that comment did to me, it would suck. I’m so angry but hurts. It’s not really his fault how I feel but why did he say that. I’ve struggled with eating disorders my whole life. I get anxious seeing my brother because I’m scared of what he will say. Everything reminds me of that comment. I have barely been eating. It just reminded me why I shouldn’t leave the house because other people will think the same. It feels like such a stupid reason to be suicidal over but it’s taking every bit of my energy not to do it everyday. How am I meant to go through life if a silly comment like that has gotten me like this. How do I get over it? I’m not strong enough to go through life.

Personality disorder

I don't know if I truly deserve to get better. I don't feel like putting in the work anymore. I know some of you will say "no one will save you, you have to save yourself". But that's just not true. I have saved three people I called friends before from terrible, terrible things. But I don't know if anyone will want to save me. I don't have any energy within myself to give out anymore. I don't have any resources, material or otherwise, to give anymore. In short... I don't think I'm profitable enough to be helped anymore. I'd lose you more money than I'd make you.

Personality disorder

Link to AvPd Podcasts https://open.spotify.com/show/5WI3mYjRpKXQJHjt0W12e9

Personality disorder

Anyone here in nyc I'm a black male an have ocd I don't leave the house at all an can't function I made terrible mistakes doing things that are low class.

Personality disorder

More Clarity, Insight, & Awareness An article I wanted to share with you all to read. Thought it might bring more awareness for yall, especially for the ones who are unofficially diagnosed and highly suspect they may have it. Although I have enough clarity to know I have it (undiagnosed), this is hands down the best breakdown and description of each possible symptoms that come with it. Never heard it like this before. It's not like your typical DSM-5 avpd symptoms that are more generalized and broad. This is more in depth and even more eye opening since I resonate so much with all of them. I'm so bored, just wanted to share something. Here's the link to it 👇🏽 https://avoidants.org/symptoms-of-avoidant-personality-2/

Personality disorder

Seeing some progress but feeling stuck. Hi, 24-year-old male with AVPD here. For some time I have noticed that contacts with other people (in my case only at work) began to bring me pleasure. I've also become more relaxed and when I'm around people I don't worry as much about how they react to what I say. At the same time, a desire for more close relationhips arosed in me. This desire applies both to finding a partner and friends. I just want, as real as never before in my life, a simple conversation with another person and intimacy. However, I don't know how to achieve this. I've finished my education and I don't have any social hobbies (the gym can be considered as such, but I still can't find a way to start naturally a conversation with other people there). I'm starting to get annoyed with this situation, because certainly something has changed in my attiude and I truly want to form some relationships outside of my work environment. I think I'm ready to get out of my comfort zone step by step, but I don't know how to do it. One way to do it is to start dating. Finding a partner is something that I want very strongly and I think love is something I'm capable of. The thing that's holding me back from making that move though (other than, well... the lack of photos to use on dating apps) is knowing that I'll be too much of a burden for her not having other relationships. Perhaps there is also an element of shame in not having any friends. I am not sure… Have any of you reached such a point on your journey to "normality"? I'm not sure if I'm over-analyzing everything and if I shouldn't just do what I feel regardless of my doubts. In my case, finding friends seems to be something more distant at the moment and I don't know how I could achieve it. However, I will be grateful for every piece od advice!

Personality disorder

Anyone else lie as a child? Not sure if it’s an AVPD thing, but growing up I told a string of lies to all of my (very few) friends. It weighs on me almost daily. Some were *really* horrible, like going blind by 30 or refusing to help my cousin during an overdose as a child. Of course that’s not real. I can’t believe I said those things to people, but it felt like the only way at the time. Through a lot of reflection, I realized that I expected rejection and wanted to control it. I wanted to make them see me as a bad person, because I didn’t deserve them. But nothing in my life (that I understood at the time) was damaging enough to cause these problems. My family taught to me early on that if you’re not doing hard drugs or jumping off the bridge, it’s not a valid mental health condition. I didn’t think I had any reason to have the problems I did, so I had to give people ‘fake reasons’ to make them believe it, because my parents told me that’s the only way. Also somewhat of a test, like if they stay for this horrible person I’m pretending to be, they’ll surely stick around for who I actually am if that’s better. And it’s not hard to be better than that, given the severity of the lies I told. If they leave, then I’ll have been in control of the rejection. And they’re not reacting to the ‘true me’ anyway so the judgement doesn’t hurt as badly. Avoiding the spotlight by pretending to be another person.

Personality disorder

My mom has Avoidant and dependent personality disorder and I don't know what to do. My mom is a very caring and emotional person and she's never been mean or rude in any way. However, she never believes me when I say that to her. She's struggling with loving herself and believes that no one loves her and can help her. And because of that she has resorted to drinking. Because of her disorders, she constantly bullies herself every day on everything she does and thinks she's the worst person alive. She's very sensitive too, so one little thing can ruin her day and cause her to drink. My parents are separated but they’re both on good terms and still talk. On top of that, I’m struggling with myself too and I think I’m stressing her out. I'm only 14 so what can I do to help her? She tried many antidepressants and other treatments but said that none works. Compliments doesn’t work either since she never believes me. I always worry she's going to do something bad to herself one day.

Personality disorder

AvPD diagnosed recently Hey all, I was diagnosed with AvPD quite recently (and finally I guess) after all those years spent in confusion what is wrong with me. I finally got an appointment at psychologist, we were doing for the first few hours screening process, turned out I do have AvPD and I met all necessary criteria for being diagnosed with BPD. Also he mentioned that I do have some symptoms of schizophrenia and narcissistic personality. But after I read his diagnosis this evening, he wrote that I have ‘Other personality disorder’. Which idk how I feel about that. Like I do not belong to anything even in this. And when I started to talk to him about feeling really depressed, and about my suicidal thoughts earlier today, he just said that we will talk about it next time, in a two weeks. And I am so confused about this, like no one really care, especially with the suicidal thoughts. And feeling I do have no one to talk. Or maybe I don’t want to? I don’t know. But this is making me super super lonely and more depressed. No one really cares..

Personality disorder

Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wkyz3)

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned (in a western country) and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wl0eu)

Personality disorder

Anyone here feel like they have to be explicitly told what the social dynamics are? I feel like I've had to manually learn this from YouTube, Psychology books, Sociology books, etc. rather than just innately know it.

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Completely shut down when I know something uncomfortable is coming up I have a few university exams coming up that I'm not comfortable with taking and have no confidence of doing well in. I don't want to do them and the thought of preparing for them is absolutely exhausting, partly because I feel like I have a lot to learn and even starting is hard. I just can't face it. So with that in mind, I'm just avoiding my life and throwing myself into relentless scrolling on the likes of reddit and watching YouTube videos and basically becoming a robot. I'll probably cram in a load of information and ruin my sleep in the build up to the exam after wasting all this time. I don't know if it's a defence mechanism preparing for failure or what but it's fucking debilitating and I'm tired of it.

Personality disorder

Being a toxic person to others and wishing they didn’t have to deal w/ you because of it I completely shut off due to my anxiety and depression. It’s hard to not avoid avoid avoid and feel like a burden especially when you have people you love and know care about you. My heart and mind conflict so much because I’m so sensitive and I’ve just built a wall after years of negative feelings and rejections but my heart wants the exact opposite. And I get so lonely dealing with depression alone wondering why do I have to deal with this all the time, but it hurts the most to be going through it and hurt the people you really love, like I don’t want to be a burden anymore but it’s easy to feed the demons that are telling you to avoid avoid avoid and the fear. I know other people are going through things too and I’m not good enough to even be there for them.

Personality disorder

Focusing on a positive Someone called me cute this morning and now I'm having ice cream for breakfast. I hope this vibe sticks for the rest of the day. Just wanted to share this in hopes that it makes someone smile.

Personality disorder

Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wkz3v)

Personality disorder

Do you think he might be abusive? As someone with AVPD, I don't date much, and I just want someone who will be loyal to me. It's very clear that he's attracted to me. I'm attracted to him too, but everyone says that I'm way too pretty for him. About two weeks into us knowing each other, he shared a really intimate story of a traumatic experience that happened to him. He’s a empathetic person that cares for other people, but he gets angry over minor things. I'm 95% sure he's gone to therapy, because even though he will explode at the most random times, there'll be other times when he's really good at conflict resolution. Before we dated, I invited him to my birthday party. Supposedly, a few weeks before, he was flirting with me, but I didn’t pick up on it. So when I invited him, it confused him. He thought I was giving him mixed signals. On his Twitter (that I don’t follow), he was saying stuff like “playing with people’s feelings is bad” and “disloyal people annoy me”. The next several weeks, he gave me the cold shoulder and really did not want to talk to me. He’ll also roll his eyes or grunt over relatively things that really aren’t a big deal. Sometimes I wonder if the thing that I did even warranted a sigh or eye roll. I’m just wondering, if I got into a relationship with him, would it get worse? [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wb7hk)

Personality disorder

i'm starting to realize that i'll probably never be able to truely connect with anyone i guess i have multiple friends, but i've only ever thought of 2 of them as "close friends." the rest i don't really talk to a lot. but i try so hard to connect with them and get closer to them, but it just feels weird and forced and i can clearly tell that it's unreciprocated. it just makes me want to give up. and now i'm starting to realize that with even one of my closest friends, we may not even actually be as close as i thought we were. we rarely if ever talk and when we do it's usually just short convos or in a group chat, and i'm always the one that has to initiate conversations. i think i'm lucky if i ever get to have one genuine conversation with them once a month. it just kinda hurts to think about i guess. why can't i connect with people? why is it so difficult? all of my life i've avoided people and just wanted to do my own thing and the moment i try building meaningful connections with people they all fail.

Personality disorder

Who is my first love? Have I fallen in love yet? As someone with AVPD, I have trouble connecting with people. I know I'm smart, and attractive, and I care for people, but it's my lack of social skills that make it hard for people to see the real me. I've had two guys like me back in the past few years. Which one of them would be considered my "first love"? The first guy "Dave" I met when I was 19 on vacation. He and I would just talk at the pool about politics and education (even though he was kind of a party guy, he has a nerdy side). We only hung out for two days, but after our first day hanging out, the second day, he was really shy talking to me. But our romance was cut short because he had a girlfriend, and made the mistake of spilling the beans about his crush on me to other kids at the resort. He cut off contact with me, but when they broke up a month later, he started looking at my social media a lot. Not to mention, he made a playlist about me for my birthday. We don't even talk, so I don't know if this is some sort of peace offering or apology. The second guy "Steve" I met a year later, at my job. He and I bonded on the first day of work about growing up in the same hometown, and I told my mom that day about how we bonded over our "parallel lives". We worked together for a little over a year. And we never went out or anything, but he would hit on me a lot. But stupid me was either too dense to realize he was flirting or too surprised in the moment to say any good flirting lines back. But a customer asked me for my number one day, and I gave it to him. I guess I kind of wanted to motivate my crush to ask me out, but literally the week after, he went out with his sister's friend (the sister set them up), but they broke up and he likes me. [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wpn90)

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Fuck it I'm starting benzos on Tuesday. My brother had shit withdrawals from them and almost died, but according to him, you don't give a shit on them and actually function like a normal, non-mentally-ill person.

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Briggs personality type and connection with AvPD I Heard that these two personality types might be more likely to develop AvPD. i would like to see If its plausible. [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11vt0gx)

Personality disorder

Out with friends for the first time in a long time.. can’t leave.. Went out with an old friend for her birthday in a city two hours away from where I live. Things were going well but I’m getting the feeling I annoyed everyone and no one wants to hear my voice anymore. I can’t excuse myself and go home, and I also feel rude saying I’m going to bed first. I’m the only single person here, and there’s so many years of bonding and inside jokes I’ve missed out on. You know when at the beginning of the night everyone seems happy to see you and laughs at your comments (if you’re your lucky), but then everyone slowly stops replying to you and distancing themselves from you as the night goes on. I also got overstimulated and frustrated very briefly (not at anyone in particular) but now I just feel like I overstayer my welcome. I’m stuck here until tomorrow morning when we go home, and I have no one to talk to because this girl I came with is my only friend. I feel like shrinking and making everyone forget I was ever here.

Personality disorder

I'm not the friend people want. I'm not great at connecting with people. I understand social cues but I guess people find me weird or whatever. I will be there for people but they will say things like they feel like they have nobdoy to talk to and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for them or the the type of friend they had in mind. It sucks but what can you do?

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Do you think AVPD makes you more tired? I thought it was depression but maybe the nonstop hypervigilance is really the one doing it. Does anything help?

Personality disorder

DAE talk too much about themselves / overshare for no reason Usually I am a secretive person but if I start talking about myself I almost always go into unneccessary details.

Personality disorder

I’m mostly so avoidant due to being ashamed of my appearance, and feeling like I don’t belong. Anyone else feel the same way? I’m a below average looking guy, and I just want to be normal looking. I feel like my AVPD has gotten worse over time because I am just too ugly for life.

Personality disorder

suffering from AvPD as an ugly guy is like a cruel joke sometimes I can't believe i'm in this situation lol, it's like a nightmare. You know nothing is gonna change even if you cure this sickness, because you are ugly and getting excluded is a natural procces for you. Edit: Posting something like this was a miskate. Looks like when you are an ugly man you can't talk about your problems, and when you do people tell you its all your fault and you have a shitty personality (you cannot say the opposite otherwise you will get downvoted to the bottom). Thanks to our helpful users here, today i learned i'm a sexist schizophrenic guy who has some personality issues and treats other people like shit(even tho they dont talk to me for more than 10 seconds).

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Does anybody else feel like they know their symptoms understand how their brains though process work, but still feel hopeless at getting rid of AvPD Im a very introspective person I always observe my actions and thoughts and how I interact with other people, i can see I’ve got a negative feedback loop with SAD, AvPD and autism traits which destroys my self esteem which means I always have bad intentions and conversations with people, but im just so confused and leaves me feeling hopeless as i have no idea how to change

Personality disorder

Making changes in a terrible depression Tw lightly suicidal This week I have to begin fixing my life. I don’t have a choice in the matter. I will need to see a new psychiatrist, and a new therapist. I need to get a job, I need to eat. I have so much to do to fix myself before I can even start with the basics of life. And worst of all, I have to be honest to heal. I’m not even honest with myself. I just smile and nod to everyone. No one takes me seriously, because I’m always laughing and joking. I can’t turn it off. Like when your parents say ‘keep making that face and it’ll stick that way forever,’ I got my face stuck in a clown mask. I feel like a shriveled, dehydrated soul. Like a sewer rat crawling out of the soggy drain. I’m horrifically depressed, the worst of my life. And honestly the effort just doesn’t feel worth it. I’d really rather just rot and die. I’m so terrified of all this, I’d prefer to die. But I couldn’t make that choice either. I am trapped on all sides.

Personality disorder

I recovered from AvPD. What will help others? I don’t believe in matters of mental health ever truly being 100% cured. Even though I still have some AvPD traits that I’m still working on, my therapist says I certainly no longer meet the diagnosis of AvPD. I’ve gone from being a textbook AvPD with such bad social anxiety I barely left the house an could barely order a cheeseburger. All through school people called me “socially retarded” and my mom thought I was autistic. To now being a very socially skilled, confident, outgoing person who makes friends easily. I’m curious if people are interested in some kind of a write up about how I’ve recovered from my AvPD, what helped me, how long it can take etc? I see a lot of people struggling and feeling hopeless on this board. It breaks my heart when I see people truly believe that recovery is impossible (and spreading that false message). It is possible! It’s just really hard, uncomfortable, takes a lot of time and you have to really want it. Thoughts on whether a write up is something people would be receptive of? I’m also open to suggestions of what else could help. P.S. I feel vulnerable writing this post in fear that people will have an angry, skeptical reaction or think I’m being narcissistic. But I wanted to take the risk and reach out anyway, because I’m super passionate about recovery and I’d love to see the negative narrative about AvPD recovery start to change.

Personality disorder

I look like how I want to. So, this is actually something really positive for me, even if it isn't considered the best thing in everyone's minds. I was going to the bathroom, and I was wearing a really baggy hoodie with pants that are way too big for me these days. The pants used to fit me just fine, but I've lost so much weight that I have to tie them around my waist or they'll just fall off. Anyways, what I'm getting at is, I saw myself in the mirror when I walked in, and I couldn't help but think that I look exactly how I want to look. I love how comfy clothes look, my hair is long and messy, and I guess I'm in a good enough state of mind to see myself as cute when my hair covers my face like it did. I am embarrassed that as a guy, I like feeling cute, but I think it's great and I've been told that it actually makes me more attractive. But when I was admiring myself in the mirror, I lifted up my hoodie (no I don't wear a shirt underneath my hoodies, the temperature much too hot for that as I can barely wear this hoodie) and I saw that my waist was super skinny. Of course, I don't eat much, and I still function fine, so I guess that's okay. What I'm getting at is, I was able to look at myself in the mirror today, and I liked what I saw, and people can think what they want, I look exactly how I want to look today, and I love that. Things have really been getting better for me, and though there's still plenty of low points, I can easily see my condition is getting better. I hope everyone else is doing okay, and I hope that by sharing this I can bring some hope to anyone else who has been struggling with this pd. Thank y'all if you read this far, and I hope you're doing well.

Personality disorder

People telling me to calm down instead of understanding my pain DAE experience this? No one takes me seriously when I say that stuff that's happened to me has negatively affected my mental health. I'm basically told to calm down/ stop worrying, even if it's really affected me. Basically just a refusal to accept and acknowledge that I've been hurt. I think is partly why I have avpd to start with. I guess this could be classed as some form of emotional neglect, not having my feelings validated or taken seriously to the point where I've had to deal with my trauma by myself.

Personality disorder

Addicted to cam girls Anyone else here addicted to cam girls online, talking to them anonymously because you don't have anyone in real life? hard to stop when what you need is a real girlfriend

Personality disorder

Has therapy ever worked for you I’ve tried counselling and schema therapy but it always ended the same way as i realise talking doesn’t solve deep mental issues, but I’ve seen cbt and dbt therapys and wounded if anybody has any experiences with it and was it beneficial.

Personality disorder

Taking 24 hours or days to respond to texts? Hello lovely community, I’m reading a lot about this, mainly to understand the guy I’m dating better who has AVPD! My lovely community, please help me understand why it takes often over 24 hours to respond to a text from your loved ones? Is there specific content that triggers you to avoid replying I.e expression of feelings? Yet I hear that the AVPD community does enjoy getting reassurance. Sometimes it makes me feel like there’s a lack of interest but I often end up getting a reply after all- just days late . But it’s confusing to determine wether you are disinterested or just afraid to answer. Love to hear your thoughts/experiences

Personality disorder

Nobody in my life has ever truly known me. I put up so many masks around everybody. I show some parts of myself to some people, and other parts to other people. And some parts I never show anybody and probably never will. Nobody in my life has ever truly known me, they only know the person I’ve shown them. It’s exhausting, but it’s basically second nature at this point and I literally don’t know how to be anything else. I find myself telling so many little lies even about the most mundane things about myself and I don’t even mean to do it on purpose. My opinions are always what I think the other person wants to hear. Every word I say and everything I show on the surface is always a watered down version of what I truly want to say and feel. Even when I’m just in the car with someone I only play music I think they would like or what I want them to think I listen to. Most of the time I don’t even know what parts of myself are true or not. I’m like a puzzle made up of completely different pieces that don’t fit together. It’s all just so fucked. I don’t know how to fix this. I wish there was someone who could see through all these masks and help bring out who I actually am, but I don’t even know if that’s possible at this point.

Personality disorder

I can't imagine what friendship would look like in my life I'm in my 40s now. The last time I had friends was in school. I'm not sure we would have been friends if the we hadn't been in the same environment day after day. Actually I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have been. My friends mostly were other people who didn't have other friends, i.e. other outsiders. We'd meet to play computer games, or sometimes (rarely) go swimming. But we never really talked about personal stuff. I'm not even sure this counts as friendship? Anyway...so I've been without that kind of social connection for a long time now. Too busy struggling with education and work and health and life in general to engage in hobbies. I think I really have no idea what friendship is apart from seeing it on TV or remembering childhood friends. Is it more than spending time together and watching TV or engaging in hobbies together? Am I even capable of friendship? Consequently, friendship isn't something I've been looking for. Maybe if I knew what I'm missing out on, I would? I'm about to embark on a psychotherapy journey again, and I feel unprepared. What do I even want?

Personality disorder

Anyone else have trouble verbalizing their thoughts and feelings? I used to be quite eloquent when I was younger, despite not talking to anyone. I always had the right word or description for what I intended to say. If only I wasn’t an asshole and actually practiced conversation.. Not sure where it all started to escape me. Could be when my mental health went downhill, or when I got off my meds, or when I got high almost every day for a year. But nowadays it’s not uncommon for me to struggle to write simple sentences. Sending an email or text takes me way longer than it should. It really interferes when I’m trying to talk with others. So often I feel like I know what I want to say but the words are just out of reach, and instead of adding to the conversation I’m just like “yeah.. uuuh I feel you”

Personality disorder

I want to curl up into my bed and never leave This week has been absolute hell. I feel so overwhelmed with life right now, and I want to be completely alone. I don’t want to be perceived or asked why I missed two weeks of class. I don’t want people constantly (and very publicly) asking me if I’m okay. Yes, I’m fine, but no I’m not fine. I’m fine enough to function, but I also want to run away. I appreciate the sentiment, I just wish it wasn’t in front of the whole class. I’m pretty sure most of this is my depression talking, but it’s definitely making my AvPD symptoms worse. I feel like EVERYBODY is looking at me. I’m beating myself up all the time for what I don’t/can’t do. I feel like everyone hates me. I hate myself. I just want to hide. Curl up into my corner. Never speak to a soul.

Personality disorder

Any hobbies? If you're comfortable sharing, does anyone here have any hobbies/activities that they enjoy?

Personality disorder

Why do people always come with this remark? So i just started supplement license beside my real license(hope its understandable). We have to drive some lesson and i was with a new driving instructor. Finished my lesson and he gave me some tips. One of Them was i dont need to be a “mouse” at this point i just felt insulted. Why is there always a expectation to be talkative? Yeah im gonna drive people around most elderly but im gonna try as much i can. Im seriously tired of society always expecting everyone to be bubbly and talk constantly….

Personality disorder

Need to vent. I have had a partner for 4 years. It’s a shock to me, as well. But we haven’t had the greatest past. To make a very long story short: When he started medical school (4 years ago, when we first started dating), he wasn’t that nice to me. Some might say he was abusive towards me, especially when he drank. Anyway, he used my avoidant personality as leverage to skew many details regarding our relationship. It turned everyone in his life against me. Now, my partner has sobered up. It took me a while to trust and accept this change. But the people in his life still haven’t let go of the past. And the truth is, neither have I. I’ve forgiven my partner but I haven’t forgotten how everyone else treated me, even after my partner tried to clear my name. It only augmented the characteristics of my AVPD. It dissuaded me from applying to grad school, seek any professional or academic opportunities… but mainly, it left me with an intense fear of leaving my house because I simply don’t trust anyone anymore. Today, my partner found out where he matched for residency. His school hosted a luncheon that celebrated the students who matched. So my partner invited me and his parents; and his friends were already there since they’re in the same class. Keep in mind that I haven’t seen anyone in about 2-3 years. After panicking for a week before the event, I finally mustered up the courage to go. I convinced myself it’s not going to be bad. My partner actually reassured me a lot, as well. Well…. Aside from my partner, everyone acted like I was invisible. They went out of their way to hug and greet everyone, and then skipped right over me. Even when I spoke, they wouldn’t acknowledge me. My partner was really disappointed in them but wanted to keep the mood light, so he didn’t confront anyone. He did stick by my side, so I was at least grateful for that. It all just augmented my social anxiety, avoidant personality, and even my body dysmorphia. Looking at the pictures I took of everyone else versus the photos they took of me…. I’m really struggling to decide if it’s just a bad day or if I’m really that hideous. It makes me never want to step foot outside again. My partner truly has turned his life around and has become more aware of my needs. I love him very much and am proud that he’s grown up a lot during our relationship. Yes, ideally we would’ve never had to go through our dark phase. But he’s helped me in many ways too. I just wish the people in his life were nicer to me. They have no idea what their rejection does to me.

Personality disorder

is it only me? i've been diagnosed having BPD (borderline personality disorder) 4 years ago when i was 16, since then my life have been a living hell. However last year and a half i've felt like my symptoms have changed a lot, though i still have all the BPD symptoms, some symptoms like avoidance, social anxiety, isolation, feeling less, came up from nowhere. For matter of fact, i stopped talking to all my "friends", stopped working, going out, date, i stopped living. This winter i didn't go out of my appartement, and if it wasn't for my mother, i would probably have died of hunger. Going out doesn't scare me, people outside does. I feel like they all stare at me and they know how shitty i am, i feel like i'm not like them and whatever i do i'm not enough. Even open the shutters is a damn burden. Sometimes i think i might be paranoid, but i don't think people wan't me any harm nor i feel persecuted, i'm just ashamed of myself... I don't know if i have AvPD or just social anxiety but it's a fucking misery.. Is there anyone if this situation?

Personality disorder

does anyone else hide their phone from everyone or turn off the television when someone else walks into the room? Not because they are doing something suspicious but because they don't want their preferences or choices to be seen? I have the option to watch YouTube on a smart TV, but instead I watch it on a tiny little phone screen with earphones when I'm in company because I don't want anyone to see my web or streaming history, even if it's something as innocuous as looking up a recipe or reading an online news article. I just feel so much fear of someone looking at my internet history although it's generally harmless and boring crap. I remember being 10 years old and my brother being angry at me because I would turn off the TV and act all shifty when he walked into the room. When I was a child I would hide my drawings from my parents and classmates because I would be so embarrassed. That was my first sign of AVPD. I was eventually diagnosed at 21 and again by another psychologist at 27.

Personality disorder

Lack of opinion and interest in things Anyone else ever feel slow to catch on to things? New show comes out, new game comes out, new trend, im always late to it all. I always find myself saying the phrase “that’s a thing?” when people bring up things I genuinely never heard of but apparently everyone else has I seem to have a general lack of interest in exploring anything in my life. If 0 is “I hate it” and 10 is “I love this and will skip sleep to do it”, the highest I can get is like a 7. Even with the things I “love”. Which sucks. Because often times people bond thru shared hobbies but you have to be passionate enough about that said hobby to actually fit in. And often times I’m just not that into it as the people around me. One simple example is when I tried playing DnD. It just made me uncomfortable because everyone was so into it and I wanted to be as well, but idk it felt like there was this barrier between me and having fun. And I get that it might not be my cup of tea, but like, this happens with everything I try Or when I was considering my major for school. I ended up picking something that I had just "heard" was a highly paid major, without really thinking about it at all. I didn't bother to look into what classes I would be taking, what jobs it would train me for, hell, whether or not I even liked it. It was just "ok, sounds good". One of the most important decisions of my life, made in 10 minutes. And now senior year, I'm regretting it heavily and feel like switching to another career. Makes me think about how many opportunities I’ve missed out on simply for being too average and opinionless in life. Idk I'm asking on this sub mostly because I'm curious if this is related to avpd or not. Or if it’s more a personality thing

Personality disorder

i'm never gonna be loved by anyone... and i think that's okay. for a long time, all i wanted is to be loved by other people, but as a depressed individual, it's been kinda impossible to believe anyone will ever love me. and i don't even mean it exclusively in the romantic sense (how does a first kiss feel? i don't even know), but in the platonic sense too. i don't even think i'm physically unattractive, but i do know my personality is unattractive, which is somehow *worse.* with this i am not saying i am unworthy of love, i mean that my goals in life and my way of being is not what it's expected of people nowadays. i have weird and extremely niche interests, i am weird and my only purpose in life is to collect the biggest spectrum of unique experiencies; definitely not the kind of people that attracts other people in this world (i mean ambitious people with dreams of financial gains, charismatic people, etcetera). don't get me wrong, i love my weird quirky self, but so far nobody has ever loved my weird quirky self lol. i know there's lots of people in this big and wide planet, but it seems like i don't have the skills to find the people who will like me, the people who will form groups with me, the people who will desire me in a romantic way. and considering my age, i feel like it's too late to find those skills, the skills of making deep, meaningful, reciprocal connections with other people. but i think that's okay. somehow, getting rid of the desire to form connections with others has made me happier with those small-talk friendships whom only talk to me about the weather or their job, with those classmates who only talk to me when i awkwardly join the bigger groups at college. maybe thinking that i'm worthy to be loved by other people is me asking too much? the approach i'm taking now is to love myself. and with "love" i mean romantic love; i flirt with myself. i tell myself i'm beautiful, even if i don't recognize that person in the mirror as someone beautiful. i have lots of love buried in my heart, and i always waited to get into a relationship to give this love to someone else. now, i try to give it to my own self. there's days when i really want to die and i can't even get out of bed, and i ask myself "what would i do if the love of my life felt like this?" and i realize that i would support her; i would do everything to get her out of bed, help her bath and make some food for her. so i get out of bed, i bathe myself and make myself some food. there's some days when loneliness hurts, though. i always see stories of the beauty of romantic love, of touching the lips of the person you would die for, feeling that person's chest and not caring if the world ends, as long as you're on their arms. stories of the joy of hanging out with like-minded people, and just being up at 4am enjoying each other's presence and looking at the stars together. these are experiences i will never live, and it hurts. and it makes me feel like this whole philosophy i just described in this post is just a dangerous coping mechanism. but what would i do if the love of my life felt like this? i would hug them and tell them that it's gonna be okay. so i just tell myself that i'm gonna be okay. *"You think you might find community, a sense of connection to something bigger, but you don’t. In fact, you feel more alone than you did before you left … But you survive. You learn that you can survive being alone.” - Bojack Horseman*

Personality disorder

This is really getting out of control I feel exhausted from the constant voices in my head and my heart racing during social situations. I feel like everything I do, could have been done better, and that I am inadequate. My avoidance is getting worse to the point where I am unable to do anything at all. As a medical student, I chose to study this major without truly understanding the challenges that would come with it. Now, during my clinical rotations, every encounter with each patient feels like a nightmare. I constantly feel judged, and I fear harsh criticism is always one step away from being directed at me. This constant mental battle leaves me with no room to use the knowledge that I have worked so hard to achieve. I am always reserved and quiet, and I do not act on anything until I know there is no other option, fearing that I will be blamed for my incompetence. However, this has backfired on me, as I struggle to form connections and networks, losing out on many opportunities in my field that could improve my social and financial status. Gradually, people have started to label me as arrogant or irresponsible, which makes me feel hopeless. What can I do to sustain balance, at least in my mind? In addition to this, I am lonely, and the effect on my already-damaged mental health is apparent. Last year, I met a group of people with whom I shared similar interests. Socializing with them was enjoyable, and I felt liked. But, in my efforts to get closer to them and belong to the friend group, I ended up stressing over whether I was making them uncomfortable, whether I had anything interesting to say, and whether they looked down on me. The gut-wrenching anxiety became too much to bear, and I ended up quitting. I limited my texts and stopped going to meetings. Though I am still in contact with them on social media, I see how new people have joined the group, formed close friendships, and I continue to feel like a familiar stranger to all of them. I am preparing myself to accept the lack of romantic intimacy in my life. Though I have always been indifferent about relationships, sometimes I think that I am going to miss out on so many ordinary but enjoyable experiences in life. There were guys who took an interest in me because I had this "mysterious aura" around me, but after a few more dates, I was still the same person they met on the first day. I had nothing more to offer other than shallow and unimportant conversations. Every time I wanted to go deeper, I felt exposed and vulnerable like prey. So, it's definitive for me that I have to completely abandon this part of my life and move on. I'm sorry if I went on for too long or sounded negative, but I really needed to share my thoughts and emotions with those who can understand. Thank you for taking the time to read this post.

Personality disorder

AvPD and covid has ruined my dream job. So I've been a nanny for about 10 years now (daycare before that) and one of the best parts of the job was extremely minimal adult interaction. I'd go to work, one of the parents would tell me what I needed to know and then went to work. When they got back in the evening we'd say "goodnight" and that was it. Since covid, however, at least one of the parents works from home. I currently work for a family with BOTH parents work from home. It's terrible. I jump at every noise that might mean they are coming to "say hi" to their kid. I worry so much about where they are, what they think they're hearing when I talk to their baby, my appearance, the way I dress. I imagine they're mocking the way I sneeze or they're disgusted by my weight gain. I am very good at my job but my anxiety is so distracting it makes everything so much harder. I can't tell you how many times I've tossed my phone across the room when I hear footsteps coming because even if I am only looking up the weather or craft ideas I'm terrified they'll think I'm on the phone all day.

Personality disorder

BPD and AvPD comorbidity, anyone? Lately I’ve been reading more about BPD, particularly “silent” BPD, and I check off every symptom on the list. I’m wondering if it’s a common thing for these two conditions to be related, as it seems that this combo could be incredibly self destructive(as I am) and hectic. Thoughts?

Personality disorder

is it wrong of me? i am not diagnosed with avpd. i think i have it but i won’t say i have it. i’ve shown a lot of symptoms since childhood. i’m 18 and usually they diagnose people who are older so yea idk. i’ve posted on here several times and feel such a comfort with all the people who relate. i’ve lost friendships because of how i am. it’s so nice to feel understood and to connect with other people like me. i don’t know where else to go to vent, so i usually go here. all the people who comment really make me feel better since they get it.

Personality disorder

How do you get through the process of getting a job? I’m planning on doing a certain diploma you need to do at least six months of internship for. I should’ve started applying for those weeks ago but I’ve been avoiding it because I feel like I’d either end up not getting the internship or trick them into thinking I’ll be a valuable addition to their institution — which I don’t think I would be. So essentially, I’ve been doing self sabotage. Now, the problem is that I’ve had quite a lot of absences at school, the teachers all know about some of my mental illnesses and have suffered because of it. I’ll need references for the application process, I don’t have anyone else to do that other than my teachers but I feel that asking anyone to do it would be putting them in a really hard position because they don’t want to lie to an institution about me being a valuable addition when they (think they) know I’ll only mess things up. Honestly, I just feel like even if I end up getting an internship somehow (would be a miracle in the first place) I’d somehow find a way to burn out and mess up once again. If I don’t go for this diploma I’ll essentially have wasted four years of my life and I don’t think my chronically depressed self could recover from that. Any advice?

Personality disorder

So tired of everything I am so goddamn tired of everything. I am not looking forward to anything, have no goals..just a low-paid job that I don't really like. I guess I can be proud that I got one in the first place, despite how horribly painful that was to get used to it and my thoughts about quitting it after first week. But honestly, other than that, I have no clue why I am doing all this. I mean, everything..going to job, eating, trying to do something..living. I am so tired I barely drag my body to work or practically anywhere. About my job..I got more or less used to it but I still feel like my co-workers hate me. It's my avpd brain acting up, again. Goddamn pesky little thing. They're nice to me but this irrational part of me wins every time Every day is a misery and I am so tired.. I always tell myself that I have to go forward and don't stop but by now I am not sure why or where I am going. Feels like I am just aimlessly wandering around in the darkness with no clue whatsoever

Personality disorder

Just wonder if people have heard of hypersensitivity. I’m a Highly Sensitive Person or HSP but I realized I was being super sensitive for awhile now. I think this is when I started to realize my AvPD. I was talking to my former therapist a couple of months back and she told me about it. Her friend had become disabled and was being hypersensitive. I think a lot of this comes from trauma. Also doesn’t help when people aren’t really compassionate in general. I don’t really have much advice but try to heal from traumas. I’ve been doing that alot more lately. It took a really long time but I feel less stuck now.

Personality disorder

Please tell me I’m not the only one? When people get to know me, I’m actually very loud. Almost obnoxiously loud as in I’d be embarrassed if I acted that way around random people😂 And I sometimes wonder if I’m avoidant because of the fact that deep down I’m just an obnoxiously loud person and somehow I’ve decided being avoidant keeps my life easier. Less drama, no risk of annoying people. But then I also wonder if maybe in reality I’m just loud sometimes to make up for the way too many times I’ve kept everything inside? Idk but that leads me to another question. How can you truly heal from your problems when it would require getting rid of coping mechanisms held in place all your life? I should add I’m generally a very quiet person.

Personality disorder

Can't make a single phone call? I was told to phone call someone but I cant even make myself! I'm literally about to tell them I'm incapable of talking to people and make myself even more pathetic! Wtf should I do? They will just tell me meaningless things for an hour which I have no solution to.My phobia is getting worse and worse ! I'm also starting to have some anger outbursts which rarely happen but I think I will snap! And it is not even that big of deal.

Personality disorder

What are you guys good at? Sometimes I forget I'm good at things, it helps me to remember what ones since there's so much I feel like I'm *not* good at. I'm more than what I'm not naturally good at. I'm: * Very naturally flexible so yoga is easy for me. * Extremely resourceful, I feel like I can make anything out of anything. * Great at literary analysis. * A good cook. * I don't easily give up when something is difficult. * Good at understanding & applying new concepts easily. * Good at drawing & art. * Good at trying new things if they're not too overwhelming. * Empathetic and nonjudgmental (despite what my face and energy are giving off lol) * Good taste, in books, fashion, films, etc. * Good at gift-giving What about you all? ✌️

Personality disorder

Anyone here try making online friends? For me its difficult because everyone is more advanced than me or younger. Many people are focused on careers/productivity/school/family. I always feel like a kid compared to others when I observe or interact with people. Another issue that would happen is the few people I found remotely on my level would ditch me after some months. I think it does not work with people if you do not objectively help the person or intend to interact with them on a physical or visceral level rather than just talking about interests or random stuff. In theory I should just go ask people if they want to play certain games but it does not feel right if people just opening up about their personal lives or bantering with me makes me feel like trash. It is absurd to me that I have to shut out 99.X percent of the population because they are better than me or I don't share their interests.

Personality disorder

does anyone else keep making new Reddit accounts? I find myself abandoning Reddit accounts and making new ones every few weeks or so. I hate the fact that Reddit leaves a trail of evidence about me that I can't hide from people and make my comments and questions private. I hate the whole karma and upvotes/downvotes thing. I like Reddit for the simple fact that there are communities here for just about everything that I don't have access to otherwise. I also use Facebook groups but I have an account with a fake name and no information on the profile. If I have commented too much in a single group and people start recognizing me I usually change my name on Facebook. You are usually allowed to change your name on Facebook several times a year or so. I just hate the fact that I am seen and I have built a persona, either online or offline. I just wish I could be invisible or anonymous everywhere I went including online. I also hate people knowing what country I was born in because most people are from the United states and it makes me stand out so I try and use American terms and spellings as much as I can. I also have trauma from my home country and just mentioning that I am from there makes me anxious and I feel paranoid talking to people from my own country. I go back and edit comments constantly and I'm always deleting things. People automatically find this behavior shifty and I have been called out a few times and people always think I'm up to something.

Personality disorder