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How common is it to develop aggression as a pw avpd as a way to cope with the fear? Starting to learn more about avpd. People talk about the fight or flight reaction and i myself have experienced it where i thought i either have to fight or run away but i was wondering if pw avpd ever experience this and hence grow up to be somewhat antisocial?

Personality disorder

Today i'm going to get judged really hard and I struggle to keep it together atm... We're presenting our art pieces to a panel of really judgemental people. There are horror stories of them being rude to people that present their work, and judging them pretty harshly. I'm not sure how legit those stories are but I'm really scared. I'm worried I'll cry in front of everybody if I get criticized too hard. On top of that executive dysfunction absolutely wrecked me this semester and my art pieces are pretty fucking shit. It's not the case of "an artist doesn't see how beautiful their art is", it's objectively rushed because I couldn't work on it. I'm so scared :c

Personality disorder

I got a raise :) I've worked as a baker at a cafe for a little under a year, and here bakers are supposed to also answer the phone and take orders + have some cashier training, which I just... couldn't really do, so we worked out a tentative agreement for me to only do opening baking, which is only about 25 hours a week. Today my boss told me that I've been doing really good work and that he's over me not answering the phone because it's obvious I care about what I'm doing. Now I've got more hours/responsibilites, the same days off every week, PTO, and a 2.50 raise! I started here when I was still in high school so this kinda feels like I've done something to prove myself as a real employee even though I never really think I'm doing good at all. But it gives me so much hope that even if I'll never be 100% with communication there's still good qualities I have and people can appreciate them. The thing I'm happiest about is that they know I care. Because I really really do and I didn't think there was any way to express it.

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

I barely drink water because of AVPD At my job, there is only one drinking fountain in the very large floor I work at. So that means it's always crowded. As if that's not bad enough, it's far from my office, which means you have to cross paths with loads of people to get there. For those reasons going for water is always a nightmare of awkwardness and anxiety, and I avoid it as much as possible. As a result, I end up so thirsty most of the day, craving that delicious cold water, but the thirst is not worse than the suffering the anxiety gives me. This disorder is so fkng weird.

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

I hate that people think that it is my fault that I am like this I didn’t choose this, I didn’t choose to be scared of people, I didn’t choose to be avoidant and have stupid anxieties in social settings. The thing that people think that I am like this by choice hurts me even more. It’s like I had a choice at the start of my life to and I chose to have serious mental illnesses. I didn’t choose this, just environment where I lived caused me this. People don’t really tell me this, but the way they behave around me is obvious that they think that I it is my choice.

Personality disorder

"Levels/degress" of AvPD Recently, i was watching a live of Personality Disorders, and this psychiatry said that there is a reason of why AvPD isn't diagnosed enough or "clinically useless" (i didn't like this term): sometimes the AvPD is "mild" so it's confused with a normal anxiety, or when more serious it's diagnosed as Social Anxiety. The aforementioned speech makes me real pessimistic about this disorder, as iit makes clear that we are really neglected. "Clinically useless", what the hell? I think that there's a reason for so much misinformation about AvPD: the people who know the most about this disorder are those who suffer daily on skin, but we can't provide clinical care because we are weakened, so there's a big cycle of misinformation and no progress. In short, average people cannot understand us satisfactorily. :( Advances on this disorder will certainly come, but I believe it will not be so soon. I hope you guys may have understood my point. Discussions are open. :)

Personality disorder

DAE have extreme anxiety in professional/performance settings? I have a huge problem with anxiety at work and have very big problems with avoidance. My emotional difficulties have gotten to the point many times where I have made absolutely awful mistakes at work and have been too panicked/incapacitated/cowardly to take responsibility for myself. It’s become a negative cycle spanning years and I never seem to get better. It’s decimated my self esteem and riddled my life with stress and anxiety, and of course imposter syndrome in every professional situation with any decent level of responsibility. Under pressure I don’t push through and rise to the challenge, I completely choke and “take my hands off the wheel” in panic-avoidance, causing “car crash” situations and so much stress to those who manage me. If I wasn’t working with family I would be fired and destitute as I feel I can’t be trusted with anything. Everyone in my circle is very smart and high functioning, and can take responsibility for themselves and be relied upon to get their jobs done. I’m 30 and I can’t take myself seriously as an adult. I suppose what I want to ask, is if any of this resonates with you guys? I’m just lost as to what is wrong with me to be so ineffectual and I feel so much shame. Apologies for the rant.

Personality disorder

Have you had covid? [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10k17kb)

Personality disorder

AvPD doesn’t mean that your brain is ill right? I was thinking that AvPD isn’t caused by some brain illness. It is very possible that most people with AvPD have healthy brain right? I feel like AvPD is just that we learned things incorrectly, we were exposed to some very stressful situations as child and our brains learned that that situation this is bad. And now our functioning brain is reminding us with anxiety that this situation is familiar from past when we were learning things. And this anxiety is causing us to avoid these situations because we were learnt that they are bad. So from this point we can say that our brain is normally functioning? Brain is doing what it is supposed to be doing, trying to stay out of danger and survive.

Personality disorder

Professor made eye contact and I had to throw up Two weeks before my calc prof came to tell me how disappointed he was in me for my poor grades and lack of turning in assignments. It had way too much of an impact. I literally couldn't show up to the next two classes. I finally get back and he's doing standard lecture stuff, talking while scanning the large crowd so people feel more engaged. His eyes grazed mine a second. I know it meant nothing logically. It's just how people talk to crowds, sweeping eyes. But in that moment, I decided his gaze was a glare, a disapproving irritated message straight to me. I felt like a failure, terrible. I left the classroom quietly. Soon as I reached the hallway, I ran. I ran to the bathroom to throw up. Just a second of eye contact and it destroyed me. I hate being like this lmao.

Personality disorder

A person I follow on Instagram misunderstood me and criticised me This hurts so bad. Why is life so painful. I’ve followed them for years.

Personality disorder

It is surprising AvPD is not more common since most trauma is caused by other people: **physical assault** **sexual abuse** **childhood abuse** **war and conflict** **gang violence** **witnessing someone being killed** **terrorist events** **torture** **sequestration** **homicide attempt** **domestic abuse** **emotional abuse** **neglect** **abandonment** **school violence** **discrimination** accidents serious health problems the death of someone close and important childbirth experiences, such as losing a baby forced displacement exposure to traumatic events at work poverty

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Who else here is limerant? Just wanting to get an idea of the number of people who are limerant for unavailable people. For me it's always a man in a teaching or mentorship position who is married. Married because that means I'm safe. He's not going to act, I'm not going to act. There isn't going to be a relationship. The attraction is just going to float in the air like a butterfly. Such intense but unattainable beauty. So much out of reach. I am in close almost daily contact with such a man. Its annoying me, because I know its hopeless and could never go anywhere, but I am addicted to it. Addicted to any little morsel of recognition he gives me. Addicted to making him laugh. It makes my day to make him laugh. He has no idea about the depth of my feelings because I am a person with AvPD and I know how to hide my emotions, even lie about them and shut everything down. My brain is basically screaming 'stay safe, stay safe.' I don't know who I am more annoyed with, me or him. I think making him laugh is the way I make him comfortable with my attraction to him. Its like it must be pretty obvious; I'm basically broadcasting 'I don't love you, I'm just an awkward friendly doofus, please like me.' It is intensely sad to me that this is the closest I will get to love. But even that is addictive. Sad beauty. Sad beauty is better than the grey anhedonia I am used to. I hope this makes sense. I hope someone understands or can relate.

Personality disorder

now that i think about it, everytime ive become suicidal is because of other people my self confidence could not be any lower after years of rejection and not fitting in anywhere. i now realise if i just dont get involved with people ill be ok. its always been one step foward two steps back when i try to intergrate. can't be rejected and hurt if im on my own and thats starting to seem fine to me.

Personality disorder

had a successful weekend :) I was diagnosed with AvPD a little over 2 weeks ago, after knowing what it is for years and being in various stages of denial. I’ve spent most of the past couple weeks just feeling shitty and hopeless but I decided to reach out to people a couple days ago, went on a date yesterday and hung out with an old friend I haven’t seen in years and their friend for a couple hours today! I even texted a support group chat to hold me accountable (even though I usually never say anything) plus, my roommates had people over yesterday and while I still isolated I at least got myself to make polite conversation in passing. old habits die hard so I’m not exactly expecting this to stick yet but I’m proud of myself!

Personality disorder

Is it ok to only answer questions in messages? Whenever I see a '?' in a text or instant message I know I must answer it otherwise it will seem rude. That to me is simple. The problem I have is if someone follows it up with a comment. Is it rude to just leave it on read? Sometimes I will want to reply or add something to it but I worry it will prolong the conversation and make it harder to finish it. I could say something simple like 'yes' or 'definitely' but it sounds kinda lazy to communicate like that like. I just left someone on read after their comment and can't help but think I should have made a short reply just to acknowledged it at least.

Personality disorder

Looking for an AVPD friend I would really like to have an AVPD friend to talk to when I really don't feel like putting on this stupid mask of pretending to be normal. I'm 23 years old, looking for someone preferably around my age. Also I'm from Cali n Latino. Hopefully I can meet up n be irl friends? Shoot me a dm. I just think that if I can't find my place anywhere else I can find it here with y'all. I mean we understand exactly what it's like to be this way. So I just wanna say that I'll be accepting of u and I hope you will too. I just don't want to feel so alone.

Personality disorder

Irritated with oppression Olympics between AvPD and Schizoid PD T/w angry rant ahead What the hell is the oppression Olympics between AvPD and SzPD all about with some people on this sub? There are all these casual mentions of things like “well my life sucks but at least I’m happy I don’t have SzPD” that keep showing up lately. Why not just say something about being relieved not having to experience **social anhedonia**? It’s not the only symptom experienced by people with SzPD, although it seems to be simplified into that. I don’t understand the obsessive need of some of the people in this sub to glorify that they are somehow winning against other mental ill people simply because they don’t experience social anhedonia. Experiencing social anhedonia is not a intentional choice of people with Schizoid PD. It would be like saying people with ADHD are choosing to be inattentive. Also, there is a lot more to SzPD then the one symptom that some people in this sub seem to be hyperfixating on. END RANT

Personality disorder

Avoidance confusion Anyone else have to think about if they’re avoiding/pushing away someone because they genuinely don’t like that person or just because commitment is scary? I moved in with a friend and, surprise surprise, it didn’t go well. But also there were a lot of things they did that really upset. And when I expressed my feelings they used my mental health against me, despite the fact that I never really talked about it with them in the first place. This is just one example of someone who I wonder if it was my mental health/avoidance issues or if I genuinely didn’t want to be around them because of the layers of things they did that upset me while living together, that made me see who they truly were as a person. Or am I just coming up with excuses?

Personality disorder

Get angry because of noisy people, do you guys feel that? My cousins (14-16y) often come to my house, they are pretty noisy at night and i like to go to bed early, so it bothers me. I tell them to be quiet, but soon they are making a lot of noise again. Sometimes i went up to them and scold them, sometimes even calling them names, such was the anger. My mother says that I am not very understanding and very hard on them. I feel like I got a little bit of the avoidant trait from her personality. I'm not diagnosed with AvPD, but i'm pretty sure that i have it. Idk if this reactive response to noise could be a CPTSD thing. In summary, i wanna now if this is a AvPD response. Anyone relate? I hope that it's understandable, english isn't my frist language. :)

Personality disorder

Ok but what now? ( career change ) I am currently making a transition from being a barista and supervisor at a coffee chain to attempting becoming a baker. Retail has burnt me out to my core, exacerbated my AVPD, and I'm convinced making this change might help me feel more at peace in my day-to-day because I have more control over my social interactions at work. However, I am having a hard time maintaining contact with the bakeries I'm trying to be recognized by without running into those anxieties that lead me to putting off an email or stopping by to introduce myself for a little too long, and thusly becoming what some would consider unprofessional in my communications. Would anyone have any advice to spare about how to 1) Apologize for the wait and possible inconvenience 2) When and how do I advocate for myself 3) if it's likely, how can I save my professional relationships with others when I let my anxiety call too many shots?

Personality disorder

I am impressed by my ability to make girls to be mad at me It happened to me few times in my life, I felt like there was a girl who was interested in me and then suddenly she became mad at me. And it was without reason, maybe the reason was that she expected me to do something, but I did nothing. And then suddenly her very friendly behavior changed to mad behavior and she started avoiding me. This is one of the things I am really good at, other than that I am bad pretty much at anything.

Personality disorder

Do you think telling my flatmate about AvPD would be weird? I almost don't talk to any of them, but there is one guy I kinda like so of course I avoid him even more. Once in a while we happen to meet in the kitchen and he usually initates some conersation. He is very nice and I feel like he'd be understanding. Would it be weird to tell him something like "sorry I don't talk much to you guys I have avoidant personality"? Idk I feel like it might make him uncomfortable and it's kind of oversharing. But I feel like it'd remove this barrier between us at least a little bit? Idk I might be wrong.

Personality disorder

I'm your schizoid neighbour, hi! I don't know what's like in here but on r/schizoid "AvPD" is discussed very often. All sorts of questions and discussions because we avoid people as well but for another reason, so we always have someone asking if they are schizoid or AvPD and what the differences are. Anyways, I was very curious to come check you all and I'd like to know this, nothing complex: **what's your favorite hobby?** Plus: do you you feel like you would have different hobbies if you didn't avoid people? If so, what would you love to do? Share your dreams! I go first: I can spend an entire day just looking at a wall, I don't have hobbies. My schizo side doesn't stop at my schizoid personality, so I can't speak for the entire schizoid sub, but if you check there you'll see that we don't like much stuff - music is almost an unanimity, but besides that... you won't find much, so I'm always curious to know what people likes, it fascinates me.

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Do you also don't want to get rid of your AvPD? Because avoiding makes so much sense to you? Do you also actively don't want relationships (in terms of wanting to stay on your own & not wanting to want relationships)? Relationships are not paying off. I don't view being avoidant & mostly alone a bad thing. Only the insecurity and anxiety in social situations is what I want to get rid of.

Personality disorder

Do you have a desire for relationships? Relationships in general (platonic & romantic). Hope the options to choose are sufficient... [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10inkqj)

Personality disorder

I hate this disorder I am so embarrassed about litterally evertything that i do and say, and i dont know how to live with this disease for the rest of my life. I hate it so much, how do you guys cope with this stupid disease? I feel like i cant live my life like this

Personality disorder

AvPD and Psychedelics Does anyone have any experience with psychedelics? I've personally never done them, but I feel like they could possibly be useful in treating non-curable disorders like AvPD (in a guided session with a certified therapist). I've read about the dissolution of ego people some times experience during psychedelic trips and it seems like that would be helpful for AvPD.

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

I just want to be normal I just want to have friends and a girlfriend like a normal person. I have friends, but I cant relate to them, I feel very uncomfortable around them, I feel like they bully me, treat me badly and do stuff I find uncomfortable. I have two siblings that are able to function socially and have friends and lovers, it is too painful, I feel extreme envy, since I was a child I used to hang out with my brothers friends cause I was too socially inept to make my own, I am still that way I feel. I am filled with extreme suicidal pain everyday, I try to have some hope and carry on, and soothe myself, but the pain is so immense, and I am struggling to keep up the hope. It is horrific. :( How do you guys stay hopeful and optimistic, do you see any progress?

Personality disorder

How has your week been? Explain how your week went in the comments ❤️ [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10i9u4n)

Personality disorder

I love Lexapro I am proud of my imperfections because they make me who I am. I wouldn't be me without them, and I like me.

Personality disorder

I can't handle being in a Barbers. I normally just buzz it all off and then let it grow long and then buzz it all off. This time I got a hair cut what requires me to go in to the barbers every couple of weeks. I normally go 3 times a year max because it's mentally exhausting in every way. my hair is so annoying I have a cow flick and a double crown so it looks funky asf when growing out, so I kinda just neglect my appearance because I just don't want to go through going to a Barbers.. I neglect all the appointments I have regarding doctors and disability benefits. This disorder bleeds into every nook and cranny of my life, it doesn't discriminate lmao.. I wanna die 😬.

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Not willing to risk rejection 31 years old. Never dated. I'd rather be alone than put myself out there and risk rejection. That is not to say that I prefer to be alone, the loneliness sucks, but just thinking about being rejected hurts too much.

Personality disorder

Rant sorry. My heart just hurts. I feel very alone, which I have a lot of my life subconsciously so it’s not usually an issue but the last 4/5 months especially have been intensely lonely. I go the gym, try to eat good, meditate etc. Some things help temporarily but most of the time I’m in my own head. It’s weird, I get along with most people I come into contact with but also actively avoid a further friendship from any of them. The only pressure I feel to have friends is because it’s viewed as odd for a female to have no friends. - my family members all have friends or people they hang out with…..Me I isolate with my dog in my room 24/7, I even play games alone now couldn’t handle having gaming friends anymore. - the only person I talk to is my cousin. I want to escape everything I feel but I’m trapped.

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Avoiding everything, doing nothing Had a YT channel, got a decent amount of views. Deleted the channel and all videos. Had an account on an art website, where I spent countless hours sharing art I spent countless hours on everyday. Deleted it. It had the only copies of my art. Last time I sketched was 2019. Used to game for hours everyday. Deleted all my games and got rid of my console and TV. Used to play instruments, working on an album. Got rid of the instruments and the songs (100+). Tried a dating app outta curiosity, got matches. Blocked them, deleted the app. Got interviews for my dream companies. Declined them. Used to love books, reading entire novels front to back in one sitting. Now my mind goes blank when I see blocks of text. I had to separate the lines in this post to read it. Ordered food. Cancelled because I didn't wanna be seen by the driver or any neighbors. Used to play sports and go to the gym daily. Quit all sports and haven't been to the gym in 3 years. Having stupid mini anxiety attacks because I'm scared my avoidance of everything is catching up to me and I'll be homeless. Saving as much money as I can because I refuse to believe I actually have a job or deserve one. Scared that the amount I saved isn't enough and I'm doomed if I lose my job. Scared that my minor health issues might actually be major.

Personality disorder

What is your eye color? I know, nothing related to AvPD, just curious. [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10hyt3u)

Personality disorder

How much of your avpd surrounds your appearance? I've been told I'm pretty but I almost never believe it lol. I don't like attention of any kind, good or bad. I noticed that I have this weird perfectionism that I have to "look good" for people. Ofc you want to be presentable But I take it overboard. I won't leave my house if I feel too badly about my appearance that day. I feel like I'm offending people by not looking good. I'm pretty sure this stems from ofc, childhood. I didn't care too much for looks as a kid, I just wanted to have fun. But my dad would constantly judge my hair, want me to change my clothes so I can look better. Every thing was about appearances with him. He would constantly look at himself, even in windows while walking out in public. He'd spend hours getting dressed (despite having no hair, so I don't get what took so long 🤭). I noticed I've picked up the same habits. I care far too much for my appearance when logically I know most people don't care. And if they do care, that's kind of weird. Are you like this? How does your appearance play into your avpd?

Personality disorder

I don’t see myself living a long life… Is that weird? When I look into the future…it’s black. I cannot get myself to visualize my life past today. It feels like I’m just floating all day with zero idea what I want for the next day. I’ve been thinking this for about 7 months now, and just wanted to see if anyone can relate. Is this something I should worry about?

Personality disorder

It’s like I live in different world In country where I live, there were president elections and I didn’t even know about it until I went to someone I know and they asked me who I think will win president elections. It was already day after voting and they were just counting votes. I acted like I knew about it, but I didn’t. Like I don’t watch news or anything, so I am out of loop in lots of things that are happening and I don’t care much about politics honestly. I also can’t vote in this country, because I am a foreigner here, so that’s another thing why I don’t care about it much. But fk, the thing that president elections just slipped through without me even knowing about them, I found this to be ridiculous. Because it is always such a big event, how could I miss this? I also missed USA president elections (I am not USA citizen, I live in Europe). I learned that Biden is president 1.5 year later (sometime in 2022 summer) after he was elected. I still thought that Trump was president lol. I realized that I withdrawn from life too much, but it wasn’t even my choice. It was also because of COVID and that government forced us to just stay at home. I isolated myself from other people for almost 2 years, and now I am trying to go out again and trying to put my life back together.

Personality disorder

Does anyone else here want a loving caring close relationship but at the same time just can’t get comfortable with the idea of being with someone else? I’m 28 and soon to be 29. Due to childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect, I grew very up lonely and to this day have never been in a relationship. I tried online dating and met a few people. Unfortunately no one panned out. While I’ll admit I wasn’t interested in any of them, I also just find myself feeling uncomfortable being with someone who knows your close personal life. I’ve never really had a close relationship with anyone my whole life. I’ve always been a loner and it’s been my comfort zone. I fantasize and would just love to have a partner who I can spend time with. But I have so little confidence and so worried about being judged that I just can’t put in the effort to start a serious relationship. I’m a weird loser with no friends and no hobbies, even if I have a good career and ok life otherwise. Being close with someone else makes me feel so uncomfortable. I also get exhausted by look at what it takes to maintain a relationship. I’m hoping I can get over this one day. Anyone else feel the same way?

Personality disorder

Have you ever had “best friend”? From most posts I read here it seems like most of you had avoidant behavior since childhood, and it was the same for me. So considering you were avoidant since you were a child, you probably had issues making friends since then. So have you ever had someone you called your “best friend” and they called you their “best friend” too? I had friend like this, we were “best friends” for about 19 years. When I left for University, then we stopped being in contact slowly. We met few times after that, but at this point I feel like we are not even friends anymore. But he was my good friend I have to say, he knew that I was shy and weird, but he always called me out to meet with people.

Personality disorder

Overwhelmed with everything right now I just started working in my first job after finishing university and I'm constantly worried about getting fired. I also constantly feel like my coworkers hate me. I'm moving out into my first own apartment at the end of the month and I'm overwhelmed with all the things I have to take care of. I'm most likely also not going to see my friends again after moving away and I'm scared of being lonely in the new place. I also have to spend a lot of money on furniture and I'm worried about picking the wrong stuff. Additionally I have to make contracts for internet, electricity etc. And what if I don't like the apartment after moving in? I wish I didn't have to make that many decisions.

Personality disorder

I wanted to be different. So, when I was younger, I knew perfectly well that my family had issues, the only thing was that I thought that it was normal. I looked at my parent's divorce, how poor my parents both were, my mother's constant struggles with drugs, mental health, jobs, and relationships and figured that there were more kids at school who's parents also divorced, so what makes mine any different? I kept going through life, made basically no friends, and in the fifth grade I moved parents. I switched from living with my mother to living with my father. It was strange as both parents had very different parenting styles. My mother was more uninvolved due to her relationships, mental health, and other issues. On the other hand, my father is very authoritarian and often wasn't home as he spent his entire day at his office. I don't want to keep going on about the messes that happened in my life because I feel like I'm just complaining at this point. I just wish my family cared more. It's strange to think that after all the signs I showed, my family did nothing. They didn't stop and think something was wrong because they were so focused on everything else. And after everything I did to try and help my family members too, it's like they never considered that I was hurting too. When my brother's depression led him to be hospitalized, why would nobody think that hurt me? Or when my dad lost his grandfather and he couldn't hold himself together? I comforted him while my brother (though given his condition I don't blame him) remained distant. There's plenty more, too much that I did that someone else should have done. Children shouldn't have to be adults because their parents are too busy or naive to do it themselves. I know I'm not giving much detail given some of the things I've mentioned, so, I'm sorry for that, I'm just not ready to share those things yet. I want nothing more than to leave my relatives behind and never look back, because all I can remember is how they failed me, and how I actually believed that they were good people until someone finally got close enough to me to see how bad my life was. I still can't believe someone had to tell me these weren't normal and that I did have bad parents. I grew up not knowing that these bad things were actually bad. I thought it was normal, and maybe to some degree they are normal, but definitely not all of it. Because I thought how I felt was normal and because when I did try to speak up I was invalidated by those relatives who had also gone through something. Just because I could hide my pain better than them didn't mean they were hurting worse than I was, but it sure made them feel that way. I wanted so badly to be different than everyone else because of this. I saw people who were hurting, who thought that I was normal, so I didn't want to end up like them. If what I was was normal, then I promised myself I would watch the mistakes my relatives made and not copy them. I would be someone different, someone people would like because I "had it all together/under control". But I didn't, I was just hiding. I wanted so badly to be someone special, because maybe then I would feel wanted or accepted. And now because of that, it hurts me deeply when people say my condition is normal. I just can't bring myself to believe that this is normal, that "everyone" feels like this. It makes me feel so weak and pathetic. That's why I hid, because if I did try to show people that I was hurting, then they would just brush me off and invalidate me again. I wanted to be special, and now to some degree I guess I am, but I don't even know if I want to be. Without this condition why would anyone care about me? But with this condition it wouldn't matter if they did anyway, I'll have so much trouble just trying to accept that someone actually wants to be near me for some reason. Of everything that I want, I want just a few things. I want to move far away from my family and never see them again so I don't have to be reminded of my past. I want to be a better person who's past doesn't define them, that way I can be myself and be okay around other people. And lastly, if I can get those other two things, then I want to be in a relationship with nice woman, someone who will support me and understand that I'm not always going to be okay, but I'll still try my best to support her. Of course there's more to a relationship than that, but having someone who can be empathetic with me is definitely something I'm looking for. Well, that's it for now. I want to apologize for this being so long and uncoordinated. I hope this doesn't make anyone feel bad, I know there's a bunch of negative things in this and I'm sorry about that. I really hope y'all are doing well. ❤️

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

I'm So Sick of Thinking Someone Hates Me When They Don't Call Back This has been going on since I was a child. A friend or family member doesn't answer my call and after a half hour I start to worry that they don't care about me anymore. I'm an extremely logical person, but can't help following that sinking emotion that has me analyzing all these dooming scenarios that leaves me wondering if I said something that pissed them off or if they figured something out about our relationship and decided to move on. I know better, but have never been able to relieve myself. I guess I just cant help but to feed the worry over believing in myself and the people close to me.

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

I had to drink vodka to upload a video on yt :( It's either drinking or being on Helex

Personality disorder

Is there anyone interested in joining a group for AvPD on Telegram? **Edit:** The Telegram group has been created, here's the invitation link: https://t.me/+r_m6p58MZUhmZDdk - Number of members as of 2022/07/30: **71** - Number of members as of 2022/09/26: **158** - Number of members as of 2022/12/25: **219** We created a [Telegram](https://www.telegram.org/) group/room for people with AvPD who want to talk to other people with AvPD, to break the loneliness, pass the time, make friends or just lurk. Please introduce yourself briefly (for instance: name, age, sex, country, languages spoken, hobbies) when joining the group. Also, remember to welcome people who just joined the group. If you have any suggestions or ideas to improve (in quality) the group, if you want to create an event or anything that might improve the experience of the group, feel free to share them in the group and ping me. [Telegram](https://telegram.org/) is available on PC (Windows), macOS, Linux, iPhone (iOS), iPad (iOS) and Android phones and tablets. There's also a Web version (but you first need to install it on one of your devices to use it). **Note:** You can also speak your native language in this group (if at least one other member also speak it).

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Anyone else have nothing in common with other people? When I see normal people constantly talk and have fun with it, I'm genuinely shocked. How the hell do they have something to talk about all the time?? How do they know what would be interesting to the person they talk to? It feels like I operate on lvl 1 of social skills, while everyone else is already on lvl 100. Nobody around me has the same lvl, so I can't even train to become stronger; doomed to lose every encounter.

Personality disorder

Being a ghost would be my ideal form of existence. I really enjoy watching people live their lives, listening indirectly to their conversations while in public, being an observer of events etc. My problem is having to interfere on the world, I hate having to talk and to do things that will have consequences in it. I wish I could just watch life like a tv show or as if I was a ghost, in a way that no one could see me, nothing would be expected of me and I wouldn't need to worry because I would be certain of it. I could just contemplate the world in peace. Some of you guys may have watched Euphoria and I definitely feel a connection with the description made about Lexi, how she felt like she was an just observer and that her life was not really her life, just some sort of play or movie. These days I been having the classic "I want to leave all behind and live in the woods with just a dog" idea and daydreams, and I guess that a big part of it is because I feel like there I could be like this, or at least similar enough. Be an observer of nature, never having to deal with socialization again, only brief interactions for, let's say, buy necessary stuff from other people (which I don't mind). I know this isn't realistic for my context and also that it probably wouldn't be this magical thing, but it's a fantasy that brings me satisfaction. I guess I'm just burned out of people. A lot of bad things happened in my relational and social life since childhood till last year and I'm really bitter about it right now. Of course I want to find real connection, where I could be myself openly and comfortably, but because it always goes wrong and brings disappointments I'm really hopeless at this point and honestly kinda angry. I don't have patience for people anymore, I'm tired, I'm being judgy as hell and I'm activelly avoiding new people.

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

I am hurting Lately I just feel like garbage. I havent left the house much in like 2 weeks, and I've been missing class. It all feels too overwhelming for me, but being at home makes me feel like trash too...I cant win. I cant sleep right either. I wake up every other hour and im so tired.... I feel so angry and anxious lately too because I feel as if everyone hates me and that they're happier without me. My friends hardly talk to me lately. I see them on social media chatting and making plans to call/play games and im never included lately. Im not surprised though. Who'd want to be friends with someone as depressed and broken as me? I want to crawl in a hole and disappear :(

Personality disorder

I can't cope with my job I work from home as a software developer, most aspects of the job are too triggering, and I can’t handle it. Every morning starts with a daily update meeting. Since I usually had done only 0-30 minutes of work the previous day, I have no update to give, I panic and have to lie, and the lie is transparent. Afterwards I have to cool down from the shame, guilt, and stress. It’s already hard to recover from the procrastination because everything I do, with the code or on Slack, has a timestamp, a notification, and is visible to everyone. Once there’s something I’m avoiding (committing code, deploying code, posting the code for review, responding to someone, testing code, an upcoming meeting, etc.) I often go offline from inactivity, and then I’m afraid to even open my laptop (which can take hours to overcome) because once I do everyone can see I’m online on Slack; my procrastination then is immediately visible to the people who are impacted and who are looking for it i.e. people I’m not responding to, my manager. I already got in trouble for not doing my work, missing meetings, not responding to people for days or weeks, and just not showing up some days without telling anyone. I was put on a month-long probation, which I’ve gotten past only because I didn’t ghost entire days during that time. I have frequent meetings with my manager and I have to pretend I’m struggling way less than I am. I can’t admit that half or more of the days I do absolutely nothing, or how much communicating with people — the most important part of the job — so fundamentally terrifies me. I know every trick in the book about procrastination, time management, breaking down tasks, but that’s not enough when I’m this afraid of people. I’ve accepted I need help from another person. I’ve talked about this some with friends, but none of them understand, so all they can provide is sympathy. I have a psychiatrist and I’ve been trying to find a therapist, but they’ve all been unhelpful, many actively harmful. I know it's a slow process, but every single day at work is like torture, and I’m on very thin ice. Because I can’t get the work done, it’s not endurable, and I don’t have the time or energy to work on all the other parts of my life in dire need of work. I don’t want to quit because I haven’t been here that long and I had a big gap between quitting my previous job (for the same reasons). But I can’t stay like this for months until I find someone and begin making progress. I don’t know what to do

Personality disorder

AE feel like this? I’m 24 and don’t have a stunningly high body count, it never used to bother me but once i hit my 20s and people i knew hit that phase of sleeping around and doing the casual relationship thing it just hooked into my brain I tried to do the whole hoe phase thing but i’m terrified of everything around being more intimate with someone, making moves, doing things right, my own body; just not being able to keep up the act ive got going and having to have someone see all of me, you know? and on paper i know it’s fine not everyone on earth is hoeing it up, either side of the spectrum is fine, but my brains really latched onto this as another thing that makes me different from everyone else and something people are going to judge me for. like i’m not a person because no one’s ever really wanted me. & every time someone brings it into conversation i just feel physically sick with how much of the biggest freak i feel like i’m sorry if this barely makes sense i just really needed to get this off my chest

Personality disorder

How to deal with in-person avoidance? Hi dear community! I have a question, my partner has AVPD. We have been dating for some months. And I noticed that when he’s going through an anxiety “episode” or moment. He sort of physically avoids me. For example if he feels embarrassed, or has low self esteem particularly high that moment. He will “hide” behind his laptop, or walk behind or in front of me, distancing himself physically, while still being kind, it’s more of a way of hiding from me, when he can’t actually leave. (For example when we share a hotel room on vacation) I did notice that when I grab his hand to hold mine while walking, that he does reciprocate(even when he tried to walk behind me or further away from me) but I’m not sure if he does it to please me but dislikes it, or if he likes it that I’m gently being reassuring and consistent. My dear Avpd-Ers- when feeling low, do you like being comforted, or do you truly want someone to take distance and leave you alone? I just want to learn how to handle the situation so he feels comfortable! Thanks everyone !!

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Expressing myself I feel like I’ve had a realization in the last few months that I wanted to share. It’s that one of the ways forward with this disability for me is to learn how to honestly express myself without distortion, and to do that constantly without regard for the fact that it causes me pain and discomfort. I used to cope with my issues by putting on a mask of a personality that I built using self help books and a desperate need for approval. Basically just the ‘fake it til you make it strategy’. Although I became more conventionally likable, it truly did not help in the long run as I was never able to get close to people. Now I am back to an ultimately isolated life. But I’m trying something different. It’s very challenging to me and not always doable but I think it is necessary. And that is to view socializing as a simple and honest expression of myself between others. When I have a thought or opinion or feeling, say it, put it out there in some way (for better or worse). Also, treat what others say as true expression of their being. This may sound silly but I think it is a subtle seeming thing that is actually big deal. As I said it’s challenging and not always doable, this is because 1. A deeply negative emotional and sometimes physical reaction to the idea of expressing most things in my mind for fear of embarrassment or rejection. 2. My brain going blank due to weariness and therefor not having anything to express. 3. The fact that isolation makes me depressed and lonely so the things on my mind can bring the vibe down. But regardless I realize that this is what I have to do, and that watching myself mindfully and purely expressing what’s on my mind is the only way forward. Usually what happens when I force something out is that I brace for impact. Brace for embarrassment, rejection, etc. Usually I assume that people are secretly embarrassed for me for whatever I said, but whether or not that is true isn’t important. I’ve been trying a lot of tools of expression such as music, writing, and drawing, and I think these are helping me learn how to express myself naturally. Anyway, I’m tired of pretending. Im not sure if I will ever be able to speak without fear and shame, but at least I won’t have to strain myself into a ‘safe’ caricature. Maybe this seems like crazy person thoughts but I hope someone relates or understands.

Personality disorder

An absence of social pleasure (social anhedonia) It is not possible to know what it is like to experience the world from inside someone else’s body, but I can infer from others that people enjoy being with other people more than I do. It is rare that I enjoy a person’s company. Usually I look forward to being alone again. Instead of pleasure, I do feel an absence of loneliness or fear, but these are not pleasure. I very much experience health benefits from being with other people, I can’t deny this, but in the moment I feel like something important is missing. To say it different, I don’t feel a desire to be with others unless I am wanting to soothe or avoid loneliness or fear. By default, being alone is peaceful and ideal. Is it really anhedonia, or is it also possible that my default is actually that the social anxiety overpowers the social pleasure so that I can’t feel feel. And it takes a really strong negative emotion to overpower social anxiety in order to provoke a desire to be with others. Wish I understood so that I could participate more in life.

Personality disorder

I dream that someone would adopt me. I'm 23 years old. I hope everyday that someone else than my mom would see me, find something they like about me and decide to brush me off and give me a piece of shelter. I've been through too much shit to start over with my family and I just want to feel like I matter and I can make a difference.

Personality disorder

How do you deal with making mistakes? Like breaking stuff that’s not yours, or forgetting to do something important. I’m a perfectionist and every time I screw up it kills my mood and sends me into a spiral of self loathing. Suicidal thoughts appear immediately. Can’t help but see myself as an anti-Midas, and that’s one thought that usually proves itself to be true. I just had a bit of a fuck up. Don’t care to go into detail about it, but moments like this are why avoidance makes sense. It never would’ve happened if I didn’t take the chance.

Personality disorder

how to gently ghost an avoidant without making feel them guilty? so, throwaway because i’m afraid she might be in this sub. before asking the real question, long story short (tldr at the end): so me (22m) and this girl (20f) matched on tinder a year ago, we want on a date and then she ghosted me the day after. tried to talk to her one day after few months, got a single message reply and then she disappeared again. at the end of last year i notice she was on hinge saying she broke up with her bf, so i started posting instagram stories that she might’ve been find interesting, and she started liking them, so after a while i reached out to her and wishing a happy new year. she seemed kinda interest, so we made plans for the following week. she ghosted me again. i was disappointed. after few days i noticed she had put me back in the close friends (she removed me from it after the first ghosting) so i thought “mh she might be to ashamed to write me back after all this time, i’ll reach out again” and since then we never stopped talking anymore, but here comes the problem. we just talked for a couple months, i tried not to push anything to don’t let her make uncomfortable and run away again, but she basically is just venting on me, and now she started venting also about “male friends” on and on, so i got suspicious, and i was right, she’s back on hinge with a fresh new verified and recently active profile. now here comes the problem, and i don’t mean her being on hinge, at least not directly. -she’s in therapy and on meds, i’m pretty sure her therapist wouldn’t suggest her to be on hinge (correct me if i’m wrong). -she said she couldn’t drink cause of meds and of med swings, but few days ago she started hanging out at night (she couldn’t do it before hanging out with me couple weeks ago) with “a male friend” and wanted to get drunk ( 🚩). -she said she’s to anxious to hang out with people outta blue ( 🚩). -we were talking about hanging out again, said she was super busy, got even more busy with college lessons, but she found the to hang out with somebody else, while i’m being her emotional support for the last 2-3 months -didn’t text me back for couple days after hanging out with that guy so the real question is: how do i gently end up things with her? i don’t want to make feel her guilty, but i can’t keep stressing myself this much i thought she’d made progress with her therapist, but apparently she isn’t doing much of what they says, so i think she might be helpless and toxic, and mostly we aren’t on the same page, i truly love her and i think she knows but she’s playing with me and using me just to vent and for not feeling completely lonely TLDR after being ghosted multiple times with a girl with avpd, adhd and probably bpd too (i’m referring what she said to me), we seemed to bond for once, but she might be a toxic person and i don’t think i don’t want keep pursuing this anymore , i’d like to slowly walk away without hurting both of us. she probably know i’m in love with her and she’s playing me. even if i’d come out and we’d make things work (quite impossible imho) i’m not sure she might be a good fit. -sorry for language mistakes and for the format, but i’m from mobile-

Personality disorder

I’ve got two degrees and both university experiences were almost identical in social sense It honestly amazes me how similarly horrific my social experience with the second degree was even though I KNEW the pitfalls and tried my best. Granted, covid did happen as I started. Still don’t know if it could have been different for me, I’m bitter to say the least. Both times it was something like this: First year, I try to fit in but get all stressed out. People reach out a little, I either avoid it or get in the situation, act awkward and get back to avoiding. Second year, I get a nervous break down, heavy paranoia and practically speak to nobody. People stop reaching out. Third year, I feel a little better in a who cares anyway -kind of way, I try to act like a normal person again but people make an effort not to even come in contact with me. I feel like I’m still in quarantine, not even alone but like actually hated by a bunch of people even though I practically don’t exist to them.

Personality disorder

Alameda by Elliott Smith and AvPD I’m not saying Elliott had AvPD, but as an AvPD-sufferer I feel like the lyrics in this songs fits to a lot of what’s going on in my life. I’m constantly guarding myself against other people’s love («your protection over their affection»), and basically alienating myself from them («Nobody broke your heart. You broke your own, cause you can’t finish what you start»).

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

I rejected her even though I wanted her I made plans with a girl and we wanted to meet. I decided to cancel it and I told her that I don’t feel good. Obviously she asked what is trying to get me as a some physical illness, but in reality depression is trying to get me. I mean I really don’t feel good I didn’t lie, it’s just not a physical illness. What I am suprised is that she instantly also said that we can meet next week. I thought she isn’t interested and she is just messing with me, that’s also reason why I decided to cancel. I don’t think that my depression will be cured until then.😕

Personality disorder

I’ve been thinking about dxxth a lot recently. How do I stop?

Personality disorder

Why am i so weird and how to get better interacting with people? Context- when “normal” people interact with each other they speak and converse like they know eachother beforehand when they dont. But im always quiet and just silently looking at them? And like i know they notice it and sometimes they dont even want to interact because im so silent? Its like really hard to interact with when it’s about personal relationship. But when i have appointments its easier? (Extrovert/ normal idk What to Call it)

Personality disorder

Feel like a leech Sometimes a song stops me in my tracks and [this is one of them](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WjxIuZVgjp8). My mother would tell me I’m exactly the same type of person as the lyrics of this song describe. She called me a sociopath, someone really sick in the head and not redeemable. That I tried to purposely ruin my family’s lives. Like I had a secret agenda that even I couldn’t know about. It’s been the foundation of all of my relationships with others, and helps explain why I get so nervous trying to get close with anyone. Trying to connect while thinking I’m secretly extremely evil and unlovable and that I’m taking advantage of everyone just by wanting to talk with them. That everything I say is actually ‘calculated’ and manipulative, despite me being unaware of this. That my side of the story isn’t just shameful and wrong, it’s *evil and vile.* Avoidant with BPD is contradictory hell. I’m hating closeness and trying to stay away but the other side of me is always getting too close in the relationships I can keep so they don’t leave me. I’m unbelievably stressed because I’m so close to disaster. I hate to vent to my best friend of several years because I feel like I’m being too greedy of her time. I feel like I’m “sucking off all the meat” of this relationship, taking up the space for my troubles, and then I don’t even improve. I know she’s going to leave when she discovers I’m actually a terrible person and that I don’t change. I can feel it creeping towards me and I want to die. I feel like she’s only my friend because she falsely believes I have potential. I feel like I’ve somehow manipulated her into thinking I’m a nice person. I feel like I’m so much worse than she thinks. I can’t understand why someone would care about me, other than they must be confused thinking of the wrong person. I can’t believe the situation I’m in. It happens every single time, and I never learn. I get her texts saying I need to try to get help and I just want to sink into the ground and die. I feel like I’ve done something really wrong and should stop talking to her. The answer is simple: stop avoiding therapy. Actually tell the therapist the truth. Everyone is sick of me including me.

Personality disorder

Hypochondria Who here has hypochondria?

Personality disorder

Creep Is Radiohead Creep the Anthem for AVPD or is our problem so much more comes?

Personality disorder

My first therapy appointment in a long time I have had bad luck with therapists in the past but decided to try again. I am mainly going to overcome a fear of driving. I have driven before back as a teenager and the process was going well but there were some things that happened that then hindered it. Before in therapy, I didn't have specific goals and I don't think that helped.

Personality disorder

I got in a bad car accident the other day and the worst part is having to talk to insurance people on the phone🤦‍♀️ maybe this isn’t the best place to post this but literally why am I like this? I could’ve fucking died and I’m more scared of talking to people on the phone. maybe I’d find it a little funny if it wasn’t so pathetic. aren’t normal people supposed to be more traumatized about the actual crash/near death experience? meanwhile I’m over here basically having a panic attack over having to talk to people over the phone about it. this is ridiculous.

Personality disorder

I think I have AvPD (avoidant personality disorder) I have recently come across AvPD and I realized that I relate to almost all of the symptoms. First off, I’m very anxious in almost all social situations. This includes hanging around friends i’ve known for many many years, being around extended family (who i’ve also known for many years), being around coworkers, meeting new people, and even just going grocery shopping. I often try to avoid a lot of social situations which has definitely affected a lot of my relationships. I’m not very close with my friends or family anymore. I still hangout with them sometimes but it’s not on a very deep level. I don’t really open myself up to anyone. I’m scared of people figuring out my true personality and that they won’t like me for who I am. I hide lots of parts of my personality and not one person on this earth truly knows me. I’m close enough with my parents that I don’t get anxious around them, however I still hide many pieces of myself and don’t feel comfortable enough to show everything about myself. I have also struggled to find jobs that don’t make me anxious. It took me until I was 18 years old until I finally got my first job because of this. I currently work at a daycare and have worked here for about 7 months and my anxiety has seemed to get worse. I have been thinking about quitting for awhile now but am terrified of having the conversation with my boss about quitting. Whenever I’m at work, I feel inferior to everyone else. I feel like I have less experience, I overthink everything, and I am so awkward around my coworkers and parents. I feel like I’m incompetent and people don’t take me seriously because of my poor communication skills. My mind often goes blank when I’m asked questions and I don’t feel like I’m much of a help. I also try to focus completely on the kids and I would rather not form any real relationships with other coworkers. I try to keep conversations polite and small. I rarely talk about myself either, just enough to get by. I play it safe. I’ve always just felt like there was something wrong with me. Social anxiety kinda describes the way I feel but it seems like it’s more than just that.

Personality disorder

Anyone else terrified of dying alone? (finally found the will to post here after years of lurking) I’ve been living alone for all my adult years and I work from home. I don’t have any kind of social life and can easily spend several weeks without seeing or speaking to anyone. I do have family, but they all live far away and I don’t see them often. So sometimes I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I ever have a stroke or a heart attack, or if I fall down the stairs, or if I choke on some food… I often read about people being found dead in their home several years or even decades after they died, and deep down I’m convinced that’s how I’ll end up. It really makes me feel scared and helpless and I don’t know how to cope with it.

Personality disorder

What is your height? I prefer males to answer this but if you feel it bothers you as a female too, plz feel free to choose as well. I kind of want to see if it may be a risk factor for this PD or if it’s irrelevant… and it bothers me a lot. Feel free to leave your thoughts below too. [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/120kyg0)

Personality disorder

Who knew Omg I'm home. Finally a place I belong.

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Faking Yourself ? Does anybody else feel the need to fake yourself in front of others? I pretend to be happy and not depressed, because frankly, no one likes a depressed person. Even I know that. But beyond that, it’s like I have no personality. The only reason I can survive my office environment at work right now is because of an actual, real, and positive coworker. She has the personality that I wish I had, easy to talk to and very kind. But she’s leaving tomorrow. So I’ve been faking my entire self. Happy, smiling, and trying to make conversation when all I really want to do is shut myself in my room. What can I even do at this point? How can I maintain a normal relationship without having to be the fakest person in the world ????

Personality disorder

I'm screwed, maybe many of you are too? One thing I'm aware of is after you've been disconnected from societal norms for a few years, it seems very difficult to return. I tend to stay away from looking at other people's lives, overall it is good but you also need an awareness of how far adrift you are and the standard you're compared against. The average person is socially active, whereas were disengaged. They have a constant stream of chores hobbies events plans, messaging circles. In a day some days I speak to no one and can't even find the motivation to do anything new, even something like watching a movie I can put off. My point is that after a while when you look at the ''activity level'' of a normal average person I just feel inadequate. This is made worse reinforced by the fact that whenever i do try connect with others I get rejected thats because they can sense pretty early I have nothing going on for myself in these social areas and I am not so much like them. And thats the catch-22 because people excluding you stops you ever having anything. I'm incapable of organising a fun life, things, like viewing someone in family gathering and getting along with large groups of people and creating a good impression, are intimidating,nearly impossible for me. I'm behind in career, life experiences, life skills, energy. It's just difficult to even get a footing, iv been cut away for so long and many types have closed the door on me

Personality disorder

Does avpd stem from childhood trauma? Hi lovely community! I’m quite new on this forum! And just wondered if the origin of this is similar to what people refer to as an avoidant attachment style in which a lot of sources claim it’s due to neglect from parents in early childhood. What triggers avpd or what is the kind of trauma that sparks it? From what I’ve read so far it’s not something you are born with but rather develops with age? Please correct me if I’m wrong!

Personality disorder

Anxiety after the gym Ever since I started going to the gym , I have fallen in love with it. I look forward to it everyday as it completely distracts me from whatever it is I might be dealing with in my head. I usually go in the evening and up until then I'm fine. But I swear that drive back from the gym and when I'm sitting in my room all alone, can be extremely excruciating sometimes. The anxiety feels like a balloon going up and up into the sky, eventually it will pop and come back down. It's just an awful feeling, and I feel it almost every time now. I wonder if anyone else has felt it or knows what I'm talking about? It's such a terribly lonely feeling I get. I think what really bothers me more than anything in my life is this belief I have that I am not a good person. I mean it's not like I'm cussing people out or being a dick to anyone. It's more like I treat people like they don't matter or mean anything to me, it's an extremely shitty thing to do. Like I see a lot of the same people every day, and I think normally this would result in you forming a bond with them slowly at least. But it's not like that, everyone that's not in my immediate family just gets kept at arm's length. Even then, the relationships I do have with my family almost seem to be held up by plastic and tape.

Personality disorder

Personality disorder

Storytime... Hey, so... I've made some realizations in the shower as I do what most of us do and plan out the conversations I'll be having in two weeks because I know it's going to happen and I need to be ready or I'll just clam up and nothing is going to happen. We've all been there, most of us are still there, let's talk about what I'm thinking about in this little vent sesh. Alright, so I was showering, thinking about how akward it's going to be when I tell my friends some secrets. Wow! I know, sharing secrets! It freaking sucks! So basically, I'm part of a church group, and these people are closer to me than my family because I don't like/trust my family and being around them is stressful. These friends that I hang out with all the time are my safe place and they make me feel...happy really. Though I don't share everything, these people are genuine and kind, and they always make me feel safe. It's just that, I am going on a mission trip with them this summer. Going to Africa, and it took them months to convince me to come with them. I still don't like the idea of going, but knowing that I'll be with them the entire time makes me feel much better. Besides, I used to fly a lot so the plane ride will be pretty nostalgic for me. So, as part of going on the trip, I have to do a few things. One thing that I have to do is research a topic on one part of the trip and give a presentation to oir team (9 people including me). I trust, love, and feel safe with everyone on this team, and all but one of them have been my closest friends for almost 2 years now. I couldn't ask for better friends. Anyways, the presentation I'm giving is in two weeks and I'll be discussing the entertainment part of the trip. Basically, I just have to research what kind of entertainment there is where we're going and make a small (mostly funny) slideshow. It doesn't even have to last 5 minutes, but honestly...this presentation is the least of my anxieties in this mess. Another thing that I'm going to have to do is share my testimony. That is essentially a summarized version of your life story. I'll have to talk about my troubles, my past, my family, all of it. And these are my friends, they'll know if I'm holding back. But it scares me so much! Half of them don't actually know I have avpd! They just know that I've been going to therapy for a while and that I started taking medicine. Though, the medicine is kind of iffy really. Anyways, I'm super anxious about it, especially since I did something similar last year, but that was at the height of my emotional suppression. This time last year, I was so empty and emotionless. But of course, nobody knew. I was always masking my emotions and faking a smile. I didn't even know I was doing it, and when I gave my testimony for last year's mission, it was incomplete and full of holes. I talked about my lack of friends, but I was blind to the emotional abuse and neglect from my parents and siblings because I had convinced myself that I was just weak and that my pain was normal and even less than what everyone else had to go through. But it's not like that, that's not how I should think about my past pain. It took so long for my friends to break my barriers, but they managed to do that and convince me to go to therapy. I'm much better now, but I'm also not suppressing my emotions. It was really hard at first because everything just hurt so much and it overwhelmed me. One moment I was putting on a face to fool everyone into thinking I was okay, but as soon as I was behind closed doors, I was hurting myself and cursing the world for letting my life be the way it was. The fact that I have to go and tell my friends how I've been feeling over the last year is overwhelming, but I am not allowed to go on this mission unless I share my testimony. It's only fair though, everyone of us is sharing our testimony, no matter how much it hurts, we're going to be here for each other. If you've actually read this far, I just want to say thank you. You're a special type of person, and whoever is in your life is truly lucky to know someone like you. And if they don't understand that, then know that I am thanking you for the kindness you have done for me just by reading this. Thank you.

Personality disorder

Am I doomed? I recently got diagnosed with AVPD and I feel completely hopeless. This is me, and I will stay like this my whole life. Am I going to have girlfriends? Am I going to get my dream job? Have a fun life? Travel around the world? Apparently not. Apparently I'm just a guy who will stay in his room for the rest of his life and be perpetually awkward at social gatherings. I'm 22 and I feel like I'm 60

Personality disorder

this disorder has stopped me from pushing myself for the better me. Was scrolling on tiktok when I saw my previous school mate 2 years younger than me on my FYP. She's a famous race car driver representing our country all over the world. She now just recently joined an F1 school. I know money and her being a nepo baby (her father was also a race car driver before) helped her achieve big things, but she also wouldn't be where she is right now if she wasn't great. I just realized that I'm 2 years older than her and I'm about to repeat my last year of highschool (i dropped out this mid school year because of mental health reasons), and I still don't even know wtf I wanna do in life. My best friend is so fckin smart, she's studying right now to be a chemical engineer. My other best friend is also smart, all of his grade averages are 95+ (100 is the highest in my country). I'm surrounded by smart, and talented people with a future, people who will make a name for themselves and become rich in the future. People who have already carved their paths. While I'm here barely even making it through the day. I can't even go to school without wanting to off myself, while they're here working their ass off for their future. My best friends don't even know I already dropped out of high school. I'm too embarrassed to tell them. How can I tell them? They would be too embarrassed to have a highschool dropout as a friend. What am i even doing with my life? I always avoid things, things that make me feel uncomfy or unsafe. Now look where that got me. Stuck inside the house wasting my life away. I'm gonna be 20 in october, my teen years are finally over. I didn't even get to experience the things that teenagers are "supposed" to experience. I can't believe smart people like my friends are friends with someone as pathetic as me.

Personality disorder

Do you think this a good description of our experiences? This is an excerpt from the introduction of a book called *On The Outside Looking In* by Daniela Grazia, about her experiences with social anxiety. I’ve used it to describe my experiences to others, but I have both social anxiety and AvPD so I worry if I’m not explaining from the ‘correct’ side (?). I’m also a psychology student and find it interesting to try to distinguish the two. I suppose it only matters in my head, but it does matter. The quote (one long one, formatting issues): >“It is a feeling that comes over me often, an old menace that stubbornly refuses to die. In classes, in coffee shops, in almost any activity where surrounded by potential friends. It is the profound feeling of alienness. >”At any moment in the group conversation, something in me snaps. I look around the table at the other people blissfully talking, and I do not feel like one of them. I am not one of them. I am different, a foreigner, an alien, a stranger in a strange land. >”And then the urge to run away, to hide, to be away from the people comes up. Sometimes I fight the urge and stay on, hiding my vast discomfort. Other times I do run away, cursing the cowardice and the shame, miserable in my misanthropy, but secure in my solitude. >”There is something in the faces, in the voices of the others that I do not have. They are into the conversation. They live outside themselves, I live inside myself. They talk, listen, and laugh; I think, listen, and smile. >”They are relaxed. I am not. I am never relaxed, except when I’m alone. Solitude is the only place where I can ever truly be known. >”Yet I am not content with this. For the real me is lonely, desperately lonely, longing for intimacy, friendship and love. I long to be able to relax, to laugh, to talk, and converse amiably with other human beings. But I cannot. I idealize them in private and fear them in public. >”Fear...fear drives the haunted mind. Fear tortures me, gnaws at me, and chases me from nearly everything I crave the most. But not even fear can conquer the longing, the desperate longing, the aching striving for meaning in life, for something other than the endless nights alone and unhugged, the dreams unshared, the life unnoticed. >”When I am alone, I wish I was other people. When I am with other people, I wish I was alone. This contradiction is slowly, but ruthlessly destroying my soul.”

Personality disorder

How many people message you in an average day? [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11yshfa)

Personality disorder

Does anyone read book called No More Mr Nice Guy? I've seen it recommended here often, and decide to check it. I'm only in the beginning but this book seems really misogynistic and like American conservative or something. I'm kinda want to dnf it but maybe there are something useful in it? What is your opinion if anyone read it?

Personality disorder

How can I function with unwanted thoughts that don't go away? I am 22 years old and male. I was diagnosed when I was 18. I've also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I live with my parents and I am NEET. I did not go to college. I've spent the majority of my childhood and adolescence getting some kind of therapy and/or psychiatric help, but I stopped about a year ago because I realized it was not going to help me. I have very low energy and fleeting motivation, and day to day I can't consistently do the basic tasks of caring for myself and maintaining my living space, in other words, living like an actual adult. The main reason these things are so hard for me is that when I'm doing chores and things where my mind can wander, I keep thinking about things I don't want to think about. I remember in detail the moments when people have insulted me or been cruel to me, or times when I've embarassed myself or made a mistake, for years, and I relive them constantly, and the wounds are continuously reopened and never heal. I often freeze up when these thoughts strike me and sometimes it makes me curse or say things out loud when I know I'm alone. Sometimes these thoughts can be powerful enough to ruin a good mood and ruin my day. It can make completing simple tasks so painful that I avoid them entirely and my quality of life suffers greatly and it affects the people that I live with. I spend almost all of my time constantly trying to distract myself and escape from these thoughts. Can anyone relate? How can I function like this?

Personality disorder

Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 1) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z14d3)

Personality disorder

Resentment Ever hate people because you can't ever be like them? I have this person in my class and she's so perfect, so put together, she makes me jealous. If I'm ever good at something she'll be better.... its like I can never be better than her in anything. I know I sound immature, dumb too but i needed to let this out.

Personality disorder

Those extrovert specimens who take pride in publicly pointing out that I've been silent throughout the party deserve a special place in hell Congratulations on making this invaluable observation. You have successfully made it even more awkward for me now. And these creatures exist in every f***ing party.

Personality disorder