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High drive

I'm constantly nagging my wife for sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27367780/im-constantly-nagging-my-wife-for-sex/

I have such a raging sex drive that I can’t stop nagging my wife for sex. When we are not doing it enough, I can’t think about anything else, but she has a lower libido and I feel constantly frustrated. I’m 36 and she’s 34. We have a young son, who is two. My demands for sex, I want it at least twice a night, are starting to become a problem in our marriage. She is always tired and only wants it a couple of times a week. She says she is starting to feel used – that it is not her I want, but just the physical act. I worry that she might be right. I think there is something wrong with me. I was abused by my uncle when I was a boy, and wonder if this has anything to do with my obsession with sex. Even when my wife and I are intimate, I masturbate several times a day. Sometimes, I go into the toilets at work to do it. Is there a way to lower my libido?

It does sound like your need for sex is unhealthy, and damaging your marriage. Childhood sexual abuse can have an impact on future sexual relationships. Think about having sex therapy with a qualified therapist experienced in sexual trauma. Find one through the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk). Tell your wife you are seeking further support so she understands. My help on Different Sex Drives may also be useful.

Bottles deep

I found the perfect woman, but she's got a serious drinking problem

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27367781/perfect-woman-serious-drinking-problem/

After escaping an abusive marriage, I finally found what I thought was my perfect woman. But she’s an alcoholic. I’m totally in love with her but her dependency on drink has ruined our sex life and is now destroying our relationship, and her health. I’m 50 and she is 48. We were friends for several years before we got together three years ago. My ex treated me terribly and I found it hard to trust anyone. My partner was patient and kind and has made me believe I was worthy of love. She hid her drinking from me until we moved in together. But now I realise she’s got a very serious problem . . . and it’s getting worse. She can’t go a night without drinking at least two bottles of wine. Often, she crashes on the sofa and I have to put her to bed. She’s either too tired for sex, or too out of it. She doesn’t eat properly and she’s starting to look malnourished and ill but she denies she has a problem. I’m worried I’m going to lose her to alcohol.

Sadly, you can’t make her stop. She has to admit she has a problem and seek help. My support pack, Dealing With A Problem Drinker, will tell you where to go for help. Tell her how you feel and ask her if she’ll let you help. You need support too. Talk to Al-Anon for people affected by someone else’s drinking (al-anonuk.org.uk, 0800 0086 811).

DOING MY BEST

I can’t do anything right in my daughter-in-law’s eyes - I'm sick of it

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27435336/i-cant-do-anything-right/

NO matter what I do, I can’t do anything right in my daughter-in-law’s eyes. My son and his girlfriend are in their twenties and have a beautiful baby girl. I’m in my late fifties. As a caring mum, I’m always trying to help my son and his girlfriend in any way I can, but I always seem to get a roasting from her. If I change my grandchild’s nappy, I’m told I’ve done it wrong. If I feed the baby, I do it wrong. Even if I pick her up, I do it wrong. I’m not even allowed to clean up after dinner as she tells me I’ll make more of a mess. It’s been like this ever since I met her. Nothing I do is right, and she disagrees with everything I say. However, it’s completely different for her parents. Whenever they help out it’s always “so welcome and gives her a proper break”. I don’t know what they do so differently and I’ve even seen her mother wipe the high chair with the same cloth I was told off for using. I’m sick of trying to help them, especially after I contributed a huge chunk of money to their house deposit as they had no savings. My presence isn’t appreciated and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose contact with my son or his little one.

You are doing your best and it’s a shame your son’s girlfriend finds fault in everything you do. I understand that you’re tired of trying, but for the sake of your son and grandchild, keep rising above it. It’s natural that she’ll gravitate towards her own family. Your daughter-in-law may also feel insecure and may interpret your efforts to help as a comment on her ability to cope. But do try to have a chat with her and your son in a calm moment. Let them know that you only ever want to be a help and don’t want to upset anyone. Explain that you worry they may sometimes think you are trying to interfere. You can also speak to grandparentsapart.co.uk – they help keep families together.

Dear Deidre

I love both of my partners; how do I tell my family I'm in a throuple?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27345913/partners-family-throuple/

How do I tell my friends and family I’m perfectly happy in a relationship with two other people – a throuple? I’m a woman of 25 and I work for an outdoor activity centre. I do their marketing and it’s my first job since I left university. When my contract on my accommodation ended, one of the instructors said that they had a spare room in their house. He’s lovely and I knew he was in a committed relationship with his girlfriend. He’s 29 and she’s 28. I moved into their lovely home and was given a large room with a bay window at the front. I’d been there for two weeks when we had a leak in my bedroom from a water tank. It went all over my bed, table and wardrobe. My housemates helped me call a plumber and, after I’d stripped my bed and straightened up my bedroom, we decided to go down the pub to help me drown my sorrows. When we got back, the three of us were a little drunk. They said I could sleep in their bedroom so I started to settle on the floor. Then my colleague and his girlfriend started getting it on and they pulled me in. It genuinely felt really comfortable. We ended up sharing the bed as a threesome. The next night it was the same — and I’ve mostly shared their bed since then. Sex with them is great. I am happy with the situation so I’ve turned down a couple of dates with men, which my mates find crazy. How can I tell them I have a relationship with my housemates?

It is nobody else’s business but yours. You’re not hurting anyone, your private life is exactly that. Polyamory is on the rise. Just ensure that all three of you have discussed clear boundaries to reduce the chances of anyone getting hurt. The fact you have written to me does suggest you are not entirely comfortable withholding your relationship status from friends and family. If your throuple becomes more established, hiding this part of your life will weigh heavily on you. And if it reaches a point where it affects other important relationships with loved ones, you will need to find the courage to be open with those who matter to you, or consider ending this arrangement. Talking these considerations through with an outsider may be useful. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains more.

Dear Deidre

My husband is so boring & the sex is over in a flash so I’ve started an affair

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27367783/affair-husband-deadly-boring/

Everybody thinks I have the perfect life, but the truth is I’ve started a reckless affair because my husband is deadly boring. I’m 42 and he is 43. We’ve been married for 15 years and have two children. My husband is a good guy and a great dad. But he’s so dull. He doesn’t like going out. All he wants to do is sit at home and watch TV. He’s not interested in sex at all, and hasn’t been for years. Even when we have ben intimate, it is over in a flash and I don’t orgasm. He’s so conservative that he would never try sex toys or any different positions. Recently, I’ve started to notice how other men find me attractive. I look good for my age and often receive admiring glances from men, who also try to talk to me. But at home I might as well be invisible. I want more from life — to go out to different places, to have some excitement and enjoy good sex. So, when a colleague started flirting with me, I flirted back. And a few weeks ago, we went out for a drink after work and ended up going back to his flat for sex. It was everything that I had imagined it could be — passionate, exciting and fulfilling. We’ve slept together several times since then, and we are now growing closer. I don’t know if there’s any future with him, but our affair has made me realise I have to get out of my marriage. How do I tell my husband that we need to part?

You sound like you have made up your mind about leaving your husband. Still, I would urge you to end your affair while you talk to him about how unhappy you have been and the fact you want to end your marriage. Be honest but kind with him. It sounds like he may not be aware of how miserable you are and will be shocked. Whether you ultimately split up or not, it would be better to focus properly on your family during this tumultuous time. If you are still convinced a split is the right course, you need to think about how to make your family break-up as painless as possible for your kids. My support packs Thinking Of Divorce and When Parents Fall Out will help.

Mess

My adult children always leave my house in a tip

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27393460/adult-children-leave-house-tip/

My children may as well pay me because it’s clear that I’m nothing more than a maid to them. I spend every day picking up after them and no amount of nagging makes any difference. I’m 54 and I have two children. My daughter is 23 and my son is 24. I assumed it was something they would eventually grow out of. However, since they’ve both moved back from uni the house has never been messier. Every day, no matter how much I clean, there is always something left to do. Whether there’s food on the countertops, dirty washing all over their room, or even used plates, the house is always a tip. I’ve tried to ask them to help out, but every time I’m met with grief and it turns into an argument. The last thing I want to do is kick them out, but I’m starting to lose patience.

As twenty-somethings they are old enough to clean just as much as you. Sit them both down and explain how you feel. Be firm and tell them that if they’re planning on living with you, they need to contribute. They have got used to doing very little and will continue to do so unless you firmly draw a line. Create a rota, letting them have some say in what chores they do may help. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself explains how to calmly and firmly get your point across.

Big win

My husband's habit will tear our lives apart

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27625755/husbands-habit-tear-lives-apart/

My husband’s gambling habit is way out of control and I’m scared we are going to lose our house. We have three children so we bought a bigger house at the end of last year and we agreed that my husband would pay off his gambling debts so that we could start afresh. That has never happened and every month we have less disposable income. It first started when my husband won a lot of money on a stag weekend in Las Vegas five years ago. He got hooked on gambling and now bets whether it’s on the horses, the football, or on the slot machines. He had another big win at Cheltenham last year and now he’s continuing to chase the dream of winning big again. He’s spent over two thousand pounds since Christmas on betting. I’m worried we are going to lose everything. We are both 35.

His addiction is severe and he can’t be allowed to bring you all down with him. In a quiet moment, spell out that only he can change his habits himself. Impress upon him that you’ll support him up to a point - give yourself a time limit for him to get on a recovery programme. There are practical things he can do if he’s determined to quit, such as putting blocks on his phone and leaving credit and debit cards at home and allowing himself the minimum of cash. You can find further practical tips and advice through Gamcare can help (gamcare.org.uk/, 0808 8020 133).

Dear Deidre

My husband secretly fathered our daughter-in-law's unborn baby

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27393457/my-husband-is-our-grandchilds-father/

When I found out my daughter-in-law was pregnant, I was over the moon – until I’ve discovered she had sex with my husband. I’m 54, my husband is 53 and we’ve been married for 30 years. Our only daughter is 28 and she’s married to a woman of 30. From the moment we met her, she quickly became a part of our family and I could tell how happy she made my daughter. Both my husband and I really liked her and I never noticed that there was any attraction between them. My daughter and her wife went through three unsuccessful rounds of IVF, and we supported them as best we could. It was hard seeing them struggle with the news that yet another round had failed. The first two times, they transferred the embryos into my daughter. The third time it was my daughter-in-law. And when they announced five months ago that they were three months’ pregnant, we were thrilled. However, the jubilation came crashing down when a text from my daughter-in-law popped up on my husband’s phone. I couldn’t help but read through their messages. There was no mention of anything sexual, but the thread was about the baby and he kept referring to it as his. Now I’m left hurt and confused. Not only has he betrayed me, but our daughter too. Where do I go from here? Should I take my daughter aside?

As distressing as this may be, try not to jump to any conclusions. Your husband has been less than honest, but this may not be an affair. If their conversations aren’t sexual and only revolve around the baby, could it be possible that your husband agreed to be their sperm donor? While neither scenario is ideal, it would be best if you found the time to sit down and have an honest conversation with him. Explain to him what you found and tell him how hurt and confused you are. You need to get to the truth before approaching your daughter. Regardless of if it’s an affair or a sperm donation, your husband has gone behind your back and the only way forward is to work through it together. Relationship counselling will help. Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975).

Mourning

My life has been ruined after I lost my daughter

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27393461/life-ruined-lost-daughter/

Since unexpectedly losing my daughter, my life has been in ruins, and now I am faced with the hard reality of paying for a funeral I can’t afford. All I want is for her to have a proper send-off, but my bank won’t approve a loan and now I don’t know what to do. I am her 62-year-old father and after losing my wife a few years ago, my daughter was all I had left. She was only 29 when she was involved in a fatal car accident. Hearing the news broke my heart and I have been struggling to cope ever since. As she was so young she had no money in place to cover the cost of a funeral, so it has all been left to me to organise. The trouble is, I have barely any income and my credit score couldn’t be worse. So planning and paying for her funeral has become an issue. I’m trying everything I can, but I am in a complete mess. Please help.

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your daughter. I can only imagine how hard this has been for you. You can find practical guidance through the Bereavement Advice Centre (bereavementadvice.org, 0800 634 9494) and any reputable funeral director. Also consider contacting an organisation called The Compassionate Friends, a self-help group of and for bereaved parents. It will understand how you feel and help you to find comfort (tcf.org.uk, 0345 123 2304).

Money woes

My friend is using my gym debt to threaten me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27323171/friend-gym-debt-make-money/

Someone who I thought was a friend, paid off my gym debt for me. But one year on and I realise they simply wanted to make money out of me. I’ve repaid the debt three times over and he’s still demanding more and threatening to get me and mum kicked out of our home. I’m a man of 28 and my mate is 31. We met at the gym. When I lost my job, he stepped in and paid my membership for another year because he said he wanted my company. As I quickly got another job, I was able to repay him monthly. It was substantially more than if I’d been paying my monthly gym membership. Since then, he’s been demanding more and more money. He has taken my bank card four times ‘as insurance’ that I’ll pay him back. I know he’s used it to withdraw money from my account. Our contract was written on a bit of note paper. He’s not signed anything when I’ve repaid any money back but I know I’ve paid back more than enough. When I argue with him, he says I’m taking the p***. Now he’s threatening to get to my mother’s landlord and get us evicted.

On what grounds? He doesn’t have any clout where your mother’s landlord is concerned. He is blackmailing you and he is breaking the law. You may find it difficult to prove it was him withdrawing money from your account if you gave him your PIN number but take a note of all the withdrawals you believe were by him and gather as much information as possible. You need urgent help to stop these threats now. Contact Stop Loan Sharks (stoploansharks.co.uk/, 0300 555 2222) for advice.

Cashless

My husband is demanding I quit my job and become a full-time mum

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27367779/husband-demanding-quit-job/

My husband is demanding I give up the job I love so I can be a full-time mum. I’m 44 and I work as a social worker. He’s 46 and our children are nine and seven. My job is an important one and it’s mentally and emotionally demanding. I went back full-time this year, after being part-time when the kids were tiny. But I still spend as much time as I can with them. Sometimes, I do paperwork late at night so it does not interfere with our time together and, at weekends, they have 100 per cent of my attention. But my husband, who works full time, says I put my job first and the kids second. It’s not true and we argue about it a lot. It’s actually making me start to hate him. Now, he’s said he wants me to give up work entirely or our marriage is over. I knew he was traditional when we married, but he seemed to accept that my career is important to me. Now he’s changed his view. If I give up work, we’ll be very stretched financially, which I think will mean the kids would suffer more. I don’t know what to do to sort out this situation. We’ve now reached a stalemate over it.

It’s 2024 and most women now work, both because it’s necessary financially and they want to. You love your job and if you were to quit, you’d doubtless be miserable and unfulfilled, which would be detrimental to your children. And it doesn’t sound like he’s offering to do more childcare or to change his hours. Be firm with him and make it clear that he’s being unfair. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself should help you to have this conversation. Perhaps couple counselling might help (contact tavistockrelationships.org). But if he won’t budge, you may have to consider splitting.

Break up

I want to start a new life but boring boyfriend is holding me back

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27675019/start-new-life-boyfriend-holding-me-back/

How do I split up with my boyfriend to start a new life? The last thing I want is to hurt him, but I’ve grown bored of everything and need a clean break. I’m 34 and male. My boyfriend is 32 and we’ve been together for six years. Over the last few six months, I’ve found myself progressively becoming more unmotivated and uninterested in my life. Since the start of our relationship, nothing has changed. We still live in the same place, work the same jobs, and have all the same friends. Every day has become the same, to the point where weeks and even months have started to blend together. Most days I wake up dreading the day. Everything has become monotonous and repetitive, just like our relationship. The love between us has faded and most of the time it’s almost as if I’m living with a friend. I can’t even remember the last time we were intimate. I don’t get excited any more when I see him walk around the corner and I’ve started looking at other men, wondering what it would be like to kiss them. I crave change and I often think about uprooting everything and starting afresh somewhere new. At this point, the only thing holding me back is my boyfriend, but I’m worried sick about hurting him. How do I make the break?

Putting it off will only be more painful for you both in the long run and it risks things turning bitter when you could separate amicably. It’s better to be open and explain to your boyfriend how you’ve been feeling. While adjusting will be hard, you’re doing the right thing and allowing him to find someone who loves him wholeheartedly. My support pack Ending A Relationship should help you make the break.

Dear Deidre

I'm finally ready to stand up to controlling wife after falling for someone new

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27462517/controlling-wifes-behaviour-leave-her/

My wife controls everything in my life – from what we eat and where we holiday, to when and how we have sex. She has been in charge of our entire relationship, until now. Recently, I have fallen for someone else and I finally feel like standing up to her. She is 42, I’m 45 and we’ve been married for 16 years. She belittles me in public and controls our sorry sex life. It’s pitiful for me. I have climaxed once with her in 16 years because she does what she wants, orgasms, then leaves me to my own devices. We had agreed to not having children but as time has moved on, I’ve changed my mind. Every time I bring up the subject, my wife shuts me down. She prefers our nice holidays and fancy cars. I used to think of the future and feel nothing but blue. Then recently, I was walking our dog and met this attractive woman whose little girl wanted to pet my dog. Her daughter is five. We talked for ages. Since then I would regularly bump into them and have a lovely chat. One day, while her daughter was in school, we went for a coffee. She’s 28 and told me that her ex was violent and she still felt frightened. I comforted her and she whispered “thank you” in my ear. It felt so intimate. She invited me round for her daughter’s sixth birthday party. My wife isn’t happy. She’s told me I’m obsessed with this woman and I should stop seeing them. I am falling for this woman and I would leave my wife for her in a heartbeat.

Your feelings are real but you hardly know this woman. She’s been in an abusive relationship, which is perhaps why you were drawn to her. After being forced into a submissive role in your marriage, it will be appealing to take on the role of the protector and supporter. Please be mindful that your sexual attraction to her may not be reciprocated. You have changed your mind about having children so that isn’t your wife’s fault. But if the control and abusive behaviour from your wife is driving you away, a couple’s counsellor could help you, even if you do separate. See how to find this support, and read how to unscramble your feelings, in my support pack Love Or Lust?.

IDENTITY ISSUE

I've finally started to accept I'm gay but I'm terrified of telling my wife

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27314509/terrified-telling-wife-about-being-gay/

EVEN though my wider family have always been very accepting of same-sex relationships, I have spent the majority of my life being in denial about my own sexuality. I am a 42-year-old married man. My wife is 38 and we have been married for 15 years. We have a 12-year-old daughter and another child on the way. When I first realised I was gay many years ago, I wasn’t ready to accept it. I didn’t want that life for myself and kept trying to deny it. I became very homophobic – not only in the things I would say to others, but my internal ­dialogue was very negative. I have now got a ­reputation among my friends as being anti-gay. But all the denial and lies are exhausting and a big part of me just wants to be the person I really am. On the rare times I’ve started to speak about it, the homophobic things I’ve said come back to me and I start telling myself that being gay is not ­normal. And so the cycle continues and I start ­saying homophobic things again. I have got a lovely wife who has no idea. Please tell me how to come out. I am terrified.

It can happen that people who are the most hostile towards gays and have strong anti-gay views do themselves have same-sex urges, albeit repressed ones. Although you were brought up in an open-minded family, growing up in a social setting where gay relationships are frowned upon will have contributed to your internal dialogue. We can’t choose our sexuality and you need to work out the right path before you implode. You owe it to your wife to be honest and decide together about the future of your marriage. But before you talk to her, I would urge you to contact the Switchboard LGBT+ helpline on 0300 330 0630 for confidential support.

Stressed

I've walked out on my wife, but I don't want her to struggle

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27345918/walked-out-wife-struggle/

I keep leaving home because of my wife’s nagging and name-calling but I don’t want her to struggle with the kids. She’s stressed enough as it is. The children are six, four and two and they are a handful. We are both 37 and since the children have come along, we’ve done nothing but argue. My wife had to give up work when our little one came along as her retail wage and the cost of childcare wasn’t financially viable. Lack of money causes us to argue. The house is falling apart and my wife calls me “useless” or a “lazy pig” because I can’t fix things up. I work in an office so I’m not used to doing DIY. She’s now started belittling me and name-calling. I’ve walked out and have stayed with my brother three times so far. I want our marriage to work and I want us to work together to bring up our family.

This atmosphere of tension, shouting and you walking in and out of the family home overnight or longer is very damaging for the children. Find a moment to talk to your wife when things are calm. Tell her that the name-calling has to stop and insist that you find some couple’s counselling to see whether you can improve your relationship. My support pack When Parents Fall Out and one called Solving Debt Problems explains more and will show you where to find help.

Put down

My girlfriend's son has destroyed my self-confidence

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27393458/girlfriends-son-destroyed-self-confidence/

Since I moved in with my girlfriend, my self-confidence has been ruined by her son. Every day he makes digs about my appearance, and as hard as I try to ignore it, it’s really starting to get me down. I’m 42, my girlfriend is 39 and she has a 17-year-old son from a previous marriage. When she first asked if I’d be open to living with her I was over the moon, but since the day arrived, he’s had it in for me. I’m no Adonis but I do eat healthily and I’m active. He is pretty impressive physically. He’s an avid gym goer and constantly obsesses about how much he’s lifting or the latest supplement he’s taking. At first, he started telling me how good the gym would be for me and said he could help me “shift the pounds”. Now he constantly insults me, calling me “fatty” and “chubster”, and always comments on what I eat. The more I complain, the more he does it. He’s making my life miserable and I’m at my wits’ end.

Your girlfriend’s son sounds immature and insecure. As he is growing into a man, he is putting you down to try and prove that he doesn’t need a new man around the house. If he hasn’t enjoyed a good relationship with his own dad, the development of you moving in will be particularly difficult. Talk to your girlfriend about what is happening and agree on an approach together. Perhaps you can both talk to him about boundaries so he sees you are united and also that you don’t want to assume the position of his father figure. The next time he criticises your physique, calmly explain you are happy the way you are and that you don’t need a live-in personal trainer. Being calmly assertive with him will help. My support pack Raising Self-esteem will help, too.

Relationship woes

My therapist has helped me see my wife is a narcissist

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27345915/therapist-see-relationship-what-it-is/

A counsellor has made me see my relationship for what it truly is. Now I know, I can’t see past it. I’m a man of 41 and I’ve been married for 13 years. My wife is 40, self-obsessed and controlling. She never takes my feelings on board. If I am worried, she tells me that her problems are bigger. She’s hardly ever affectionate and we only have sex when she says we can. She’s always telling people that I’ve said a certain thing or behaved a certain way that isn’t true, and the more she makes up stories about me, the more I start to believe it. My mother died suddenly and my wife didn’t seem concerned. While I was online, sobbing and arranging her funeral, my wife was worried about having to cancel a weekend away with girlfriends. She didn’t care how I was feeling. I went to see a bereavement counsellor who recommended I see a regular counsellor. After five sessions, she told me my wife had a narcissistic personality and she was gaslighting me. I didn’t know what it meant until I looked it up then the penny dropped. I now know our relationship is abusive but I haven’t told my wife that. I need to leave but our kids are ten and eight. How can I?

If this is what you want then you can still be a good father, even if you are separated. It would be less damaging for the children to live without tension in the house. You can find advice through Families Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk, 0300 0300 363) who will show you how to manage co-parenting. If you still love your wife though, a good couples’ counsellor would help her to hold a mirror up to herself so she can start to appreciate how damaging her behaviour is. If this marriage is to survive, she’ll need to change but only she can do that.

SEEING DOUBLE

I am desperate to have sex with my wife's identical twin sister

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27293101/desperate-sex-wife-identical-twin-sister/

MY wife has an identical twin sister and I’m desperate to rip her clothes off and have sex with her. My wife and I are in our 50s and have been together for 23 years. I’ve fancied her twin since marital sex went out of the window after the birth of our youngest, who is now 17. I imagine kissing and undressing my sister-in-law. I suspect my wife knows my feelings because she keeps making comments about her when we’re alone. She’ll ask if I prefer her sister or even bring her up when we’re arguing. I have sexual needs but my wife doesn’t seem to care about them. I don’t how to solve this issue.

You can not go down this road. Your sister-in-law is unlikely to welcome your attention and you would ruin your marriage. The solution lies in improving your connection with your wife. So talk to her about how much you are missing intimacy. If you reconnect with your wife, these feelings will soon melt away. My support pack Saving Your Sex Life will help.

SO ALONE

I don't know why but both my dad and my husband seemed to despise me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27314721/feel-rejected-by-husband-dad/

I DON’T know why but both my father and my husband seemed to despise me. They both put me down, criticising my efforts and treating me like the skivvy. I had my own interests but they both discouraged me, saying I was too clumsy to dance or too big to play sport. Having grown up with an emotionally abusive father, I vowed never to date a man like him – but that’s exactly what happened. I’m a 58-year-old woman. I was married to my husband for 20 years but three years ago I divorced him. My father died at about the same time, from a heart attack. I grieved for him but it was complicated because of how he behaved towards me. After years of being badly treated I want to learn how to be happy again. I have lovely friends who try their hardest to pick me up when I am down, but I don’t know how to let go of all the pain and be happy.

If you grew up feeling rejected by your dad, then there was always a good chance you’d find a partner who treated you in the same way. Subconsciously we tend to be drawn to what’s familiar, even if it is something that makes us unhappy. A counsellor can help you to deal with any unresolved trauma with your dad, and my support pack Want To Learn About Counselling explains more.

Dear Deidre

Sex with my lover is addictive but everything else is toxic

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27273295/toxic-lover-hurts-uses-me/

Sex with my lover is incredible but I know she’s bad for me. Yet however many times I try, I just can’t walk away from her. Over the years she has cheated, hurt and used me - still whenever she comes crawling back I melt and fall into her arms. I’m 48 and she’s 43. We’ve been in an on-off relationship for 10 years.I started seeing her when I was unhappily married, and ultimately left my wife and kids for her. She is funny, intelligent and incredibly attractive. She is so body confident and adventurous in bed that our sex life is incredible - better than I’ve had with anybody else ever. It’s like a drug. She’s so adventurous and crazy, she really keeps me on my toes. However, she has never been able to commit. After my marriage ended and I moved into a flat, I expected that we’d finally be together properly - as she promised. Later the same week, she broke up with me and started seeing other men. I was devastated. I fell apart and became very depressed. Months later, she got in touch out of the blue saying she missed me and wanted to see me. I resisted for a few days and then she came round and we fell straight into bed. For the next few weeks, life was a blissful blur of sex. Then she went home and, a few days later, messaged to say she’d met someone else again. I was gutted. Since then, the pattern has repeated itself again and again. I know this relationship is really unhealthy. I also know I need to break off communications and end it forever - but I can’t.

You are addicted not only to sex with this woman, but to the highs and lows of your off/on relationship. And as you now realise, after 10 years, nothing is going to change. The only way to get out of this unhealthy pattern is to go cold turkey. You need to block her from your phone, email, and all social media. Make it very clear that you’ve had enough. Then you need to be strong. Next time she comes calling - and she will try - remind yourself how much pain and misery she caused you. Lean on friends for support and busy yourself with absorbing activities. Seeing a relationship counsellor would also be a good idea. Read my support pack about this. Also read the one on Addictive Love, which tells you more about this type of relationship and how to extricate yourself.

No control

I'm being humiliated by my cough and the menopause

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27323172/cough-menopause-wet-myself/

I’m a woman of 55 and since I’ve had a really bad cough since February, coupled with the menopause, I now keep wetting myself. It’s so embarrassing. Yesterday I was in the queue to pay for a top and I had to put it back and run to some toilets in a cafe. I wear pads but they aren’t always adequate. I have had four children and I always practised my pelvic floor exercises. I feel so mortified about this that I don’t want to talk to my doctor about it. I started the menopause six years ago and I had a little leakage then but since I had this cough, the incontinence is tenfold worse. Can you help me?

Incontinence can be very distressing and debilitating - it’s also very common with an estimated six million people in the UK living with bladder and incontinence problems. As women age the muscles in our bladders become weaker. As women reach perimenopause this weakening starts as oestrogen levels drop. Replacing oestrogen by taking HRT and/or using vaginal hormonal preparations can help restore strength and tone to your muscles and tissues in your pelvic area. It’s also a good idea to avoid drinking too much caffeine and fizzy drinks. And keep up those pelvic floor exercises - they can really make a difference. My support pack on the menopause has plenty more guidance and you can also learn more tips from Balance (balance-menopause.com).

No drive

My wife hasn't been interested in me since she got a new job

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27416468/wife-interested-new-job/

Since my wife started her new job, I have felt like she is no longer interested in me. She has become less talkative and affectionate. As for our sex life, it is now non-existent. I’m 36 and she’s 34. We’ve been married for six years. When we met, she wasn’t that focused on her career. We spent a lot of time together, going out to gigs and the cinema or for meals. We had sex several times a week, held hands and kissed when we went out. That all changed last year, when she got a new job at a charity, with a lot of responsibility. Within weeks, she could talk about little else. She worked until late and often on weekends. She was always too tired for sex and, if I tried to be affectionate, she pushed me away. If I try talking to her about this, we end up arguing. She says I’m too needy and should be supportive. We are growing further apart. I don’t even feel like she loves me any more. What can I do?

It sounds like your wife is totally absorbed by her job – and also stressed out, which may be why she has gone off sex. It is likely she has no idea how unhappy you are, or that you are doubting her love for you. Please address this now before things get worse. Rather than criticising her for working too much, which will make her defensive, say you are worried she is stressed and want to help. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help. Ask if she can spare a weekend, so you can go away to reconnect.

FRIEND FEARS

I fear my friend is in a controlling relationship as he has completely changed

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27524620/friend-controlling-relationship-changed/

I’M worried my friend is in a controlling relationship with his girlfriend. He has completely changed since he has been with her. I have been in abusive relationships myself and recognise the signs. I’m 28 and female, and he is 29. We have been friends for 11 years. He got together with this woman, who is 30, nine months ago. Since then, he has stopped hanging around with our mates – because she says she doesn’t like us – and he hardly ever messages. He used to be in a running club, but has stopped because she doesn’t like it. When I have tried calling him he sounds weird and says he can’t talk. I think she is monitoring his calls. He didn’t even come to a mutual friend’s 30th. Many in our friendship group have given up on him now but I don’t want to. He was supportive when I was in a bad relationship, and I care about him. What can I do?

It is hard to watch a friend change because you think their relationship is abusive, and you feel powerless to help. It is natural for friendships to sometimes drift, so do ask yourself if you could be projecting your own recent relationship experience on him. Keep in touch, so he knows you are there for him. Visit the Men’s Advice Line website for more support. My support pack on Abusive Partners might also help.

TEASING ME

My wife says she has gone off sex but gives me hope with flirty touches

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27293112/wife-gone-off-sex-flirty-touches/

MY wife is giving me mixed signals about our sex life and it’s doing my head in. We’re in our thirties and have been together for more than ten years. Since our first child was born a year ago, our sex life has been non-existent. The only time she is anywhere near receptive to being intimate is after she has had a couple of drinks. Then one night as we went to bed she told me that she has gone off sex completely. But at odd times she will sometimes touch me in a sexual manner, stroking my bum or inner thigh, and will even hint that she is feeling horny. Whenever I respond, she changes her mind. She has wound me up and confused me so much that I’ve told her to stop touching me intimately. It feels like she is teasing me. I’m so cross that I’ve started sleeping in the spare room, which has only made matters worse. I can’t help but wonder if she’s sleeping with someone else or if she is keeping something secret from me.

Looking after a young child can be extremely stressful and puts many relationships under pressure. But it is unrealistic of your partner to expect you to accept there will be no more sex in your relationship. By making initial moves, it seems that on one level she does want to get intimate, but something changes her mind when you respond. It’s possible she could be having an affair, but it’s more likely she has post-pregnancy mental health or body confidence issues, or could you be responding in a way that she finds unattractive, or a turn-off? Try talking to her again, when you are away from the bedroom, and say you are worried and want to get closer again. Explain you are both missing out on a lot of pleasure and intimacy. This will also hopefully allow you to find out how she is feeling and if something is bothering her. You should both read my support pack on Sex After A Baby. It would also be worth considering sex and relationship therapy to help you regain the intimacy you once enjoyed. Cosrt.org.uk can help you find a reputable counsellor.

DEAR DEIDRE

I slept with 2 younger guys but my husband found it a turn-on & wants to watch

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27314338/husband-found-my-affair-a-turn-on/

I WAS so angry when I found out that my husband had befriended an older woman while working away that I started flirting with younger guys on dating apps. I’m not proud of myself but I ended up sleeping with two of them — yet when I told my husband he found it a huge turn-on and said he wanted to watch me having sex with one of the men I’d bedded. The problems started when my husband decamped to our static caravan on the south coast. He was looking after a big work project near our caravan and said it made more sense for him to stay there for weeks at a time, rather than come home to me and the children. Then I found out that he was spending a lot of time with an older woman, who is in her late 40s and lives on the site. I was furious. I am 34 and my husband is 38. Our kids are six and four. That’s when I started talking to the ­younger guys I came across on the dating apps. My relationship with my husband was in tatters by the time his project had finished. He insisted he and this older woman had only become good friends but I was convinced he’d cheated and wanted to hurt him so told him about my encounters, but his reaction is troubling me. I want us to stay together but I’m worried about the precedent it would set if I go ahead with his suggestion of having sex with another man in front of him.

Before you go any- where near entertaining his fantasy you both need to work through the issues that caused him to possibly cheat, and you to feel abandoned. If you don’t address these, hurtling towards his sexual fantasy will at best provide a temporary distraction. You have children and for their sake alone it’s worth trying to improve your communication and relationship. Your husband’s fantasy is a type of voyeurism – getting pleasure from seeing someone else engaging in sexual activity. Although you say you are willing to do this for him, you clearly worry about the implications for your relationship long-term. You can refuse to do this. Please do consider relationship counselling with a reputable therapist before agreeing to this risky sex. Tavistockrelationships.org can help.

Love triangle

My husband likes to have sleepovers with his female best friend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27248358/husband-sleepovers-female-best-friend/

Ever since my husband reconnected with his female best friend from childhood, I’ve started feeling like an outsider in our marriage. He says I’m silly every time I bring it up, but if they’ve not slept together yet I’m afraid it’s only a matter of time. I’m 37, my husband is 39 and we’ve been together for eight years. We have two children. Recently, he’s grown close to this woman after they met at a school reunion. At first, I thought it was only innocent, but when days out with her quickly turned into sleepovers at her house I knew something was amiss. My husband claims they’re merely making up for lost time but I can’t help but worry they are having sex. Even when he’s with me he’s constantly texting her. The last thing I want is to be controlling but I feel so uneasy when he’s around her.

While you should try not to jump to conclusions about this other woman, it’s clear that your husband has a huge disregard for your feelings. It does seem unlikely that anyone planning an affair would be so open about it, but that doesn’t take away from the fact he’s neglecting your relationship. Tell him how you feel. Explain that his friendship is worrying you and that you’d appreciate it if he took a step back. My support pack Relationship MOT will help.

DEAR DEIDRE

My boyfriend agreed to open relationship - until I started getting more action

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27293118/boyfriend-agreed-to-open-relationship/

MY boyfriend happily agreed to an open relationship but now that I’m getting a lot more action than him, he wants to go back to being monogamous. The problem is, I feel like the genie is out of the bottle and I’m not sure I want to go back. I’m a 23-year-old woman and he’s 24. We met at university and have been together for four years. I have always felt like I met him too soon. While I love and respect him and do want to spend my life with him, there is so much more I want to experience first. I want to travel and meet different people. If I’m honest, I want to have more sexual experiences before I settle down. My mum and dad were childhood sweethearts. It’s sweet they are still so dedicated to each other but I don’t want such a predictable life. I’d always told my boyfriend I was interested in an open relationship and he’d never outright rejected the idea, but when I got a job as a teacher in Italy I felt strongly the time was right to put my plan into action. We both love each other and want to stay together and this arrangement seemed to me the best way to stay romantically involved and sexually satisfied while living in different countries. We agreed to give it a go. That was six months ago and since then I’ve had four partners in Italy, while my boyfriend has had none. He says it’s much harder for him to meet anyone as he’s still in the same place and everyone knows we are still together. He says the open relationship isn’t working for him any more. But I’ve got another six months here and want to make the most of having fun. I’m sure he’d feel differently if he were getting some action. And isn’t he being unreasonable by going back on our arrangement?

Your boyfriend agreed to try an open relationship, that doesn’t mean he has to stick with it. I think you know there is no compromise to be made here and only a difficult decision. Either you decide that you don’t want to risk your future with your boyfriend, in which case you’ll agree to return to your monogamous relationship. Or you’ll need to finish with him so that you can enjoy meeting different people and having different sexual encounters. While it’s simple to write, I understand this won’t be an easy decision to make, and talking to a therapist would help you work through this decision. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains more.

LOVE AND LOSS

My wife died in my arms eight months ago - is it wrong to move on now?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27314832/wife-died-move-on/

WHEN is it OK for me to start moving on? My wife died in my arms eight months ago. We had been married for 36 years and I loved her with all my heart. She suffered a stroke five years ago and I became her carer due to her health complications. I adored her and miss her so much. I am a 63-year-old man and have grown-up children who have been great but I still feel lonely. I have not been intimate with a woman for more than five years as I devoted all my time to my wife. Recently I contacted a woman online who lives in Romania. She wants to develop our relationship into a physical one. She wants to visit me in the UK. Am I being unfaithful or is it wrong to develop a relationship right now? Can you give me some guidance please.

There is no right time to start dating but it is best to wait for the right person, rather than jump straight into another relationship. You do need to be aware that you are currently emotionally vulnerable. My support pack on Bereavement explains more. Please be wary about this woman you’ve met online – it may be a romance scam. Don’t give her any personal details. She may be genuine but right now you know nothing about her. Take things slowly and keep this in the back of your mind.

Teen troubles

I'm being pressured by a boy to go out with him

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27273305/pressured-by-a-boy/

A boy in my year told me he loves me and keeps pressuring me to go out with him. I don’t feel the same way about him, and he’s making me feel uncomfortable and stressed. I’m 17 and he’s 18. When we started college I was friendly to him because he was shy and didn’t know anyone. But now he seems to think it means I’m interested in going out with him - and I’m not. I don’t fancy him and his constant attention is making me want to avoid him. He keeps sending me messages saying he thinks I’m amazing and he wants me to be his girlfriend. How can I get rid of him without hurting his feelings?

There’s a thin line between being keen and harassing someone - and this boy is now crossing it. I know you don’t want to be mean, but you need to be kind but firm and say you’re not interested. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help get the message across. If he doesn’t stop, tell a teacher. Don’t feel bad - the kindest thing is to be clear about your feelings.

Thank you

You helped me when my daughter had postnatal depression

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27277742/helped-me-daughter-postnatal-depression/

After my beautiful, first granddaughter was born, my daughter suffered from terrible postnatal depression. She’d had a traumatic birth and fell into a black hole of depression soon afterwards. I felt sick with worry for her. I’m 60 and my daughter is 33. I tried to help her as much as I could, babysitting for the child, talking to her and contacting the postnatal team, but she seemed so sad and lost that I felt helpless. You reassured me I was being a great support to her and that things would get better. You sent me your Depression pack and the details of the Association of Post-Natal Illness (apni.org) - which you said could help me too. Her partner and I managed to persuade her to talk to her GP, and she was prescribed antidepressants and has been having counselling, which really helped. She’s also joined a mums’ group. She started to brighten up after a few weeks and, while she still has difficult days, is now a lot stronger. Thank you for being there, Deidre.

She is very lucky to have such a supportive mum. I really hope things continue to improve for her. Enjoy your granddaughter.]

NO RESPECT

My girlfriend is perfect but I cannot stand her children

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27293108/girlfriend-perfect-nightmare-children/

I THINK my girlfriend is perfect but I can’t stand her children. I’m 43 and finally met someone online. We get on like a house on fire but her two children, aged 15 and six, are an absolute nightmare. The older one, her son, doesn’t respect her and often talks back to her or goads her. It’s awful to witness. My partner also suffers from mobility issues and they refuse to help her, ignoring any chores they’re given. To make matters worse, her daughter constantly seeks attention. If she doesn’t get her way on having treats while we are out or, being allowed to watch her TV shows, she’ll throw the nastiest of tantrums. My partner mostly sits on her phone and ignores what’s going on, which makes me feel really awkward – I never know where to put myself. I was raised with discipline and rules. My parents were very strict but it’s made a huge positive impact on my life. This sounds bad but I’m in the relationship for her, not her children. I feel bitter and angry all the time I’m around them. If I’m honest, our relationship is going downhill and my girlfriend has started to ignore me also. What should I do going forward? Should I also ignore the children and not let it get to me as I love my girlfriend?

You don’t mention their father so if your girlfriend is bringing them up alone that will be hard work. It sounds like she is withdrawing from the reality and challenges of life by distracting herself with her phone. Her youngest is only six and it sounds as if she is desperately trying to get her mum’s attention. Your girlfriend sounds low. Talk to her and ask how you can help. Does she want you to be more of a male role model, perhaps? This could help but you need to agree on the boundaries between you. You could suggest doing an activity with her children, where you all leave phones at home. This will help all your relationships. Before you go down that route, think carefully about whether you can properly commit to her family as well as her. Your girlfriend and her children come as a package. Her daughter is likely to be at home for at least the next ten years. Can you handle that? My support pack on Stepfamily Issues may help you.

Dear Deidre

My wife took customer relations to another level

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27323165/wife-customer-relations-another-level/

I caught my wife with one of our regulars in our shop's storeroom and I can’t unsee what I saw. She was sitting on the freezer, with her skirt pulled up while he kissed her. I’m a man of 45. I’m married with three kids. We run a convenience store in the heart of a residential area. We work long hours, constantly juggling the kids and our business. Three years ago my dad died of a heart attack. He was my best buddy and at 70, he had so many more years to live. I was heartbroken, didn’t handle things well and started drinking to numb my feelings. My wife was brilliant though - she got me some counselling and I’m now two years sober. I stopped drinking but also stopped paying attention to my wife. I went into autopilot focussing on the kids and work. I was so wrapped up in myself that I was oblivious to the chemistry between my wife and this man who came into our shop every day to chat her up. He’s 37 and my wife is 42. My wife started dressing up for her shifts and one evening, she told me she was stocktaking. I was getting the kid’s dinner when our son kicked off because we didn’t have fish fingers. I put the kids in the car and drove to our shop and let myself in. When I went into the stockroom, where we have a freezer, I found my wife and this man together. I don’t know who was more shocked, them, or me, when I walked in. I fled the shop and have avoided her by sleeping in the spare room since. What should I do?

You can’t go on sweeping this under the carpet. Your marriage is in crisis. Find a time to sit down and talk to your wife. Cheating isn’t acceptable but if you are both willing to own your own mistakes and to communicate your needs, then you can fix your relationship. You owe it to your children to try. You had every reason to take your eye off the ball because of your bereavement. Rather than stray, she should have spoken to you of her unhappiness, that way you could have both avoided this misery. If you’re both willing, you can get things back on track. I’ve heard from thousands of couples where this has happened - but you must start communicating. My support pack on cheating explains where to go from here.

SO GUILTY

My ex-wife has made it impossible for me to have a relationship with our children

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27248356/ex-wife-impossible-me-relationship-children/

When I separated from my now ex-wife she made it impossible for me to have any kind of relationship with my children. Now, eleven years later, they’re adults and I feel like I’ve failed them. I’m 52, my ex is 49 and our two sons are 20 and 22. It’s fair to say that by the end of our marriage things between my wife and I had become toxic. I knew that breaking up was the best thing for us, but my wife didn’t want to split, even though she didn’t want to make an effort to improve things. I vowed to co-parent our children but my ex was intent on making things as hard as possible. Arranging visits felt like pulling teeth, and she would often deliberately tell me the wrong days to convince my children I was forgetting about them. They started to resent me and it didn’t help that she never refrained from speaking badly about me to them. I’m now remarried, but when I met my current wife things got even worse with my ex and my children started blaming me for breaking up our family. Eventually, they started refusing to see me. Now it’s been years since we last spoke and I feel so down about the way I’ve handled it all. I know they want nothing to do with me, but I feel so guilty for giving up on them.

It’s clear your children picked up on the anger your ex felt towards you, so they’ve rejected you for fear of upsetting her. As hard as it may be, try to give yourself grace and remind yourself you did your best. It’s understandable that their behaviour would have hurt you and there’s only so much you could have done. Perhaps, now that they’re older, you could consider reaching out. They may understand things a bit better. You can find more support from Families Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk, 0300 0300 363).

Dear Deidre

My boyfriend’s colleague made it her mission to seduce him

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27200382/boyfriends-work-colleague-mission-bed/

I split up with my boyfriend after discovering he’d been sexting and flirting with a woman from work. Now, six months on, a positive STI test is all the evidence I need to prove he definitely had sex with her. I’m 39 and my ex is 44. We’d been together for five years and I thought we were happy until I discovered a woman he works with had made a move on him. He had been out with his mates when he bumped into this woman in a bar. She made it her mission to seduce him. She bought him a drink and they spent the rest of the night talking.When I confronted him about the messages he admitted they were flirting but he insisted nothing happened. He even admitted going back to her flat and said he was tempted, but that he came to his senses and refused her invitation. I would have been none the wiser if I had not noticed some small, rough lumps around my vagina. They are so painful and itchy. My sexual health clinic has confirmed I have genital warts. I am ashamed of myself because really I should have booked an appointment months ago, to be on the safe side after he confessed to flirting. I am also embarrassed because, being in my late thirties, I should be beyond the age where I’ve picked up an STI. I can’t talk to my family or friends about it. I don’t want anyone to judge or pity me. I can’t help but wonder how I am going to be able to trust anyone again. I am totally broken.

The HPV virus, which causes genital warts, is extremely common and most sexually active people will be exposed to it at some point or other. STIs are overwhelmingly passed on by sexual contact. Like you, many people feel ashamed or embarrassed but having an STI doesn’t mean the end of your sex life and future happiness. Even after treatment, genital warts can reoccur without you knowing. So regular check-ups are a good idea. This is especially the case if you are starting a new relationship. Your heart is broken but you can move on, and love and trust again. Be patient, allow yourself time to heal. My support packs Mend Your Broken Heart and Sexual Health Worries will help you.

Depressed

When my boyfriend was denied access to his son, everything changed

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27200384/boyfriend-denied-access-son-everything-changed/

My relationship with my boyfriend suffered from the day he was denied access to his son. He loves his boy so much and misses him terribly but his ex keeps them apart. This has caused his mental health to deteriorate and his doctor has put him on anti-depressants. When he wasn’t at work he’d stay in bed and his zest for life went. I have always wanted children and we began to argue as I was becoming broody. But he was adamant he didn’t want more children after what happened with his ex. I am 27 and my boyfriend is 33. We have been together for three years. Things got so bad at the end of last year that I moved back with my parents. During this time I started messaging a former colleague who’s been really keen to meet. But I’ve moved back in with my boyfriend to give us another chance. The medication he is on, though, is causing him performance issues so even if he did agree to a baby, I’m not sure we could conceive. As bad as it sounds, resentment is creeping in. My ex-colleague keeps suggesting we meet and I’m tempted to do this.

As much as you are tempted to meet, please don’t go. A man can feel like a failure if he can’t get an erection, and go into denial rather trying to sort out the problem. Still, it’s unrealistic for him to expect you to be in a sexless relationship. The way forward is to focus on your relationship. By working together you can still get things back on track. Ask him to contact familylives.org.uk, who can advise him regarding access to his son. And tell him to visit his GP. While depression can lessen sex drive, a change in medication may help with his erections. My support pack Your Man Losing His Erection? explains self-help steps.

BLENDED FAMILY

My partner is trying to rule the roost - before he's even moved in

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27200386/partner-move-in-rule-the-roost/

I am beginning to think it’s a bad idea for my partner to move in with me and my children after he said they can’t have their friends around for sleepovers. I’m 46 and my partner’s 49. We’ve been together for almost three years. We have a good relationship, except when it comes to my children. He has two grown-up sons but rarely sees them. I am not exactly sure why. My children are 20, 17 and 15. My partner wants to move in and has been talking about it for a while. But I worry, if he’s talking like this before he moves in, that he will be really strict when here. I have said I can compromise on some things, as it’s going to be his home too. But my children aren’t going to like someone coming in and telling them their friends are not welcome. My partner’s adamant that sleepovers would never happen, even occasionally.

He will make himself very unpopular if he tries to lay down the law. There’s always room for compromise. Having friends over once a month is not unreasonable. If his own children didn’t have friends over it could be that he simply isn’t used to it, especially if he has lived on his own and likes his own space. Or perhaps he is jealous of your relationship with your children and feels threatened. Talk to him about how your children will feel about him. If he can’t meet you halfway, it may not be a good idea for him to move in.

MIXED UP

I started sleeping with my ex and now I'm upset he wants to go on dates

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27293126/i-started-sleeping-with-my-ex/

I AM addicted to my abusive ex-husband and want to keep a “friends with benefits” arrangement I’m 45 and he is 50. We split up two years ago after ten years of marriage. After our split we met for sex two or three times a week. It was incredible and reignited my libido. Our relationship really improved once we went our separate ways. Now he’s told me he wants to start online dating and I’m finding it hard to let go of our situation. He’s even talking about sorting out our divorce. I feel completely lost without him. How can I move on?

You did split for a reason and this halfway house isn’t helping you. Your ex has enjoyed the sex but doesn’t want anything more. Don’t misinterpret sex for love. Look at how he treats you, not how you hope he will behave. You can move on if you stop these regular hook-ups. You want more and can find it if you take a clean break. Read my support packs Addictive Love and Standing Up For Yourself.

Video nasty

My colleague’s disturbing film went too far

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27345917/colleagues-flirty-advances-step-too-far/

A colleague texted me an explicit video of himself with his partner. I’ve been at my new job for two weeks and I don’t know what to do. I’m a receptionist for a car showroom. I’m a 19-year-old female and this is my first proper job. My boss is lovely and the team seemed great but one of the guys has been constantly flirty since I joined. He’s 24 and he’s asked me out four times already. I keep turning him down. I got a text on my phone yesterday and was horrified when I opened the link he sent. It went through to a video of him having sex. He walked past later and smirked at me. I don’t know how to complain about him but he makes me feel uncomfortable.

This man is breaking the law by sending this sexual video which you have not given your consent to receiving, and presumably, his partner hasn’t given her consent to him to share. The first offence is cyberflashing, the second, revenge porn. This constitutes gross misconduct and sexual harassment. You have a right to feel safe in your workplace so I’d advise you to talk to your HR department, or boss, who will want to stop this happening again. If you need further help and support, contact Acas (acas.org.uk, 0300 123 1100), which provides free advice on any workplace issues.

False claim

I didn't take my ex back, and now she's accusing me of the unthinkable

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27273301/didnt-take-ex-back-accusing-unthinkable/

When my ex-girlfriend realised I didn’t want her back, she accused me of rape. Two years later, the case has been thrown out, but my life is in ruins. I’ve lost everything and I want justice. I’m 36 and my ex is 32. We were in a relationship for five years. While we were together, she was emotionally abusive, and she also cheated on me several times. She was also very unstable and would threaten to hurt herself if I left her. In the end, I couldn’t deal with it any more. I packed my bags and moved out. She begged me to get back with her and in the end, I blocked her. In the meantime, I moved on with my life and met a lovely woman. Two months after I’d blocked my ex, the police turned up at my door accusing me of rape. It broke me. Although the charges were eventually dropped because there wasn’t enough evidence, I lost my job and my new girlfriend ended our relationship. I want to take legal action against my ex for the nightmare she has put me through. It feels so unfair that she’s not been punished.What can I do?

Your life has been devastated by this cruel false accusation and even though the charges have been dropped, you don’t feel justice has been served. It’s possible that you can take legal action against your ex and even bring criminal charges against her. Contact FASO, who can advise you about this (false-allegations.org.uk, tel: 03335 779377). They will also offer you emotional support. You may also want to think about having counselling to help you get over what has happened and to learn to trust again.

Good grades

I had a relationship with my university tutor, now he's catfishing me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27248357/relationship-university-tutor-catfishing-me/

When I was 18 I had an inappropriate relationship with my married university tutor – and ten years later he’s now catfished me online. I’m 28, he’s 47 and is married with three children. While I was studying he took a real shine to me and constantly had me staying behind after class. At first, it was nothing more than flirty advances but eventually we did get intimate. Since then, I understand how he took advantage of me. I thought I’d healed from the situation until one day I realised that a man I had been chatting to online wasn’t who he seemed. I’d met him on Hinge and we’d been messaging back and forth for weeks when he sent sexually explicit images and I realised who he really was. I blocked him, instantly, but now feel so creeped out and don’t know what to do. Since then he has tried to reach out on other accounts and I feel so on edge about what he may do next.

This man’s behaviour is unacceptable and predatory. Not only has he catfished you, he has also cyberflashed and harassed you. Cyberflashing involves sending sexual images without consent – and this is now considered a serious crime under the Online Safety Act. If you feel ready, it would be good to report him to the police. I recommend you contact the Victim Supportline (0808 16 89 111, victimsupportline.org.uk).

Cheater

My husband sexted his ex - can we rebuild trust?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27224958/trust-my-husband-sexted-his-ex/

Ever since I caught my husband sexting his ex, I am trying hard to trust him again – but every time I see him on his phone I feel sick. He said he did it because he felt lonely and left out of our family.We’re both 37 and have been together for eight years. We have two young children. A couple of months ago, I noticed that he was spending a lot of time messaging someone. He said it was work stuff, but I didn’t believe him as he kept smiling naughtily to himself. I know his password so one day while he was in the garage, I sneaked a look. I saw that he and his ex-girlfriend, who he lived with for two years, had been sexting. They were both reminiscing about their sexual experiences and saying how much they would like to repeat them. I burst into tears and confronted him. He said he felt miserable because I spent all my time with the kids and we rarely have sex any more. He promised he would stop and we agreed to make more effort with our marriage. But I can’t trust him any more. Just seeing him on his phone makes me tearful and anxious. I don’t know how to move forward.

Having kids does inevitably changes a relationship. Your husband should have told you he was unhappy, rather than just looking for fulfilment elsewhere. Trust takes time to rebuild. My support pack, Looking After Your Relation-ship, should help.If things do not improve, consider couple counselling. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org) for help finding a qualified counsellor.

Can't perform

Things go pear-shaped when I get intimate with my partner

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27224968/things-go-down-intimate-partner/

My brain seems to trigger an erection when I’m inactive. It baffles me because I can’t get one when I’m being intimate. I’m a fit 61-year-old man. I go swimming and play walking football every week. I also go hiking. I’m divorced and have recently met somebody new online. She’s 57. We’ve had six dates and the last couple of times we’ve ended up in bed but I was mortified when I couldn’t perform. She was understanding and full of reassurance when I felt embarrassed. I put it down to nerves the first time but it happened the second time, too. Sometimes, though, I get woken up with a strong erection and I don’t understand it. Why can’t my body be like this when I want it to be?

Testost­erone levels are at their highest in the early hours of the morning and many people wake up with an erection. That’s a good sign – everything is working as it should be. You may be feeling subconsciously anxious about sex with a new partner and unfortunately, because this has happened once, it can happen again. If this is a new thing to you? Do have a check-up with your GP? If you get the all-clear, my support pack Erection Problems will show you how to get your mojo back.

Dear Deidre

Can I save my marriage if my wife is a lesbian?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27224952/save-my-marriage-lesbian-wife/

Seeing as my wife has been having a same-sex affair with her best friend, is there any point trying to save our marriage if she is really a lesbian? I’m now paranoid that she has never really fancied me, and I wonder if we should separate. I’m 43 and she’s 41. We have been married for 15 years and have a child. She has known her best friend since their college days. This friend got divorced last year after her husband left her for another woman. She was in bits and my wife spent a lot of time supporting her, going to her house, sometimes staying over. One evening, I witnessed them kissing goodbye outside my home. It wasn’t a close friends’ kiss, but a sexual one. I was horrified. I asked my wife to be honest with me and she admitted they had been having an affair for six months. She says she was having a mid-life crisis and their feelings for each other had become confused. My wife has ended the affair and has distanced herself from her friend. She says she wants to make our marriage work. She is adamant she is heterosexual but I’m worried she’s in denial and is gay in reality. I’m now wondering if there have been other women in the past — and whether there might be more in the future. She has a lot of female friends. Our sex life hasn’t been great for the past few years. Is this why? I don’t know what to do.

While your fears are understandable, it’s unlikely your wife only fancies women, not men. More probably, her feelings for this particular friend developed into sexual ones. Sexuality isn’t black and white. Many people believe it’s on a spectrum. She has promised that her affair is over and that she is committed to your marriage. If you still love her, then it is worth trying again, especially as you have a child together. But your insecurity is natural. It’s hard to trust again after an affair. My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, should help. Keep talking to your wife and be honest with each other about what’s gone wrong. Consider counselling too – either together or on your own. Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships. org) can help with this.

OUTLAWS

My son's wife loves stirring it up

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27200387/my-sons-wife-is-creating-friction-in-our-family/

My son is married to a very opinionated woman, who ruins any time we spend with them. I am 58, my husband is 61. Our son and his wife are in their early thirties and have been married for five years. I find myself having to bite my lip at the things she says. My son invited us to their house for Easter. My daughter-in-law asked me to help with lunch. The instant I had got up from the sofa, she was giving me her opinions on how to peel the vegetables and set the table. At the same time, we’ve noticed that no matter what the conversation might be, she thinks we’re having a go at her. There is never any dig. It’s all in her head. I have tried to explain but she takes no notice and carries on. It made us feel very awkward. Nobody can have a conversation with her, as she does not listen to anyone’s view except her own.

How sad. It’s tough for a family when one person seems to thrive on causing friction. Maybe her relationship with you is reproducing the one she had with her mother, but that doesn’t make it less hurtful. Try to look for her good qualities instead of criticising the bad. You can’t change your daughter-in-law but you can change how you react to her. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help you handle her assertively. Your son could benefit from reading it too.

Cash

I reported a scammer plastic surgeon

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27181048/i-reported-a-scammer-plastic-surgeon/

I reported an alleged plastic surgeon who was scamming me to the police and they treated me like an idiot. Perhaps I am. I’m a lonely woman of 49 and I went on a dating site and found the profile of a surgeon who was looking for love. He seemed genuine and I figured he would have a stable background.Some things didn’t add up though and after I questioned him about his workplace, I realised he was lying. Co-incidentally, I then received another message from a different medic, a plastic surgeon, and he seemed genuinely interested in me. He said he was 52 and worked in Scotland. After chatting for a week, he asked me for money. I gave him £450 so he could pay off a loan and visit – just to tide him over until payday. Then he started asking for more. I came to my senses and said I couldn’t send more. The police told me to stop sending money and said they couldn’t do anything because I’d sent the cash voluntarily. The guy has messaged me again. I haven’t sent him any more cash and I am wondering if I’m being overly suspicious.

Please don’t send him another penny. If this guy was telling the truth and a surgeon, he wouldn’t need to borrow from you, a relative stranger. This guy is scamming you and you need to block him before you get hooked emotionally. Visit Action Fraud for more advice (actionfraud.police.uk, 0300 123 2040).

PLEASE HELP

I am trapped in sexless marriage with cruel and demeaning husband

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27166641/trapped-sexless-marriage-cruel-husband/

AFTER years of being called fat and ugly, I am desperate to divorce my husband. But he’s refusing to leave our flat because we have a joint tenancy. We’ve been married for ten years and have a son aged nine. I’m 39 and he’s 45. Throughout our marriage, he’s put me down, looked at other women in front of me – telling me how much more attractive they are than me – and criticised my weight. Our sex life is non-existent and has been for years. He seemed to go off it as soon as I got pregnant. He says the reason we don’t have sex is because I’m too fat and unattractive. But I was only a size 12 when he started saying it. Now I’m a size 18 because I comfort-eat. My confidence is at rock bottom. I suspect he may have cheated on me several times, although I have no proof. There is nothing good in our marriage. When I told him I wanted a divorce, he laughed. He said nobody else would want me and I’d never have the guts to go through with it. I would move out with our son, but I can’t afford to. None of my friends or family could offer more than a sofa. Please help. I feel so trapped in this sexless marriage.

He thinks he can control you by destroying your self-esteem and making you feel unworthy of love or sex. But he’s the inadequate one and cannot stop you from leaving him or getting a divorce. This environment is not healthy for your son either. Tenancy issues can be overcome. You need good legal advice. See my support pack, Thinking Of Divorce, and contact rightsofwomen.org.uk, a family law advice service. My support pack, Raising Self-esteem would also be helpful for you to read.

TOO NERVOUS

I am worried past erection problems will ruin my new relationship

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27166640/erection-problems-my-new-relationship/

I’VE started dating a woman who I really like but worry my sex problems will put her off me. I suffer from premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction and this has derailed previous relationships. I’m 32 and she’s 28. We met online and have grown close through messaging. We had a few dates and kissed but I’ve made excuses when she’s hinted she wants to become more intimate. I’m worried she’s starting to think I don’t fancy her. In my last relationship, I ended up feeling like a total failure in bed. The premature ejaculation happened first – and then, because I was worried it would happen again, I started finding it impossible to get an erection. My ex tried to be sympathetic but the more I worried about it, the worse my problems got. How can I explain my issues to my new girlfriend without making her run a mile?

They are both extremely common, can be caused by physical and psychological issues and tend to be made worse by stress. It’s a vicious circle. Read my support packs about Erection Problems and Lasting Longer, which have self-help steps. Take things slowly with your new girlfriend. Concentrate on kissing and touching, and giving her pleasure, which will take the pressure off. Talk to your GP, too, if you’re worried.

Dear Deidre

I caught my husband cheating on me, but he says I'm to blame

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27248355/caught-husband-cheating-im-to-blame/

I caught my husband cheating with another woman but instead of apologising and begging me for forgiveness, he blamed me. I’m 38, he is 42 and we have been married for 12 years. We have two kids together — one is five and the other is less than a year old. While we had always had a good relationship, things became strained after I gave birth to our second child and fell into a deep depression. Most days I would wake up miserable and struggle to get myself out of bed. I was crying constantly and had horrible mood swings. Finally I visited the doctor, who diagnosed postnatal depression. My husband tried to support me but at the same time his father was diagnosed with stage-four cancer. His illness was brutal and he died only four months later. My husband really struggled over this period and after his father’s death. After that, our relationship was never the same. Both of us got so caught up in our own issues that we stopped confiding in each other. While it was a difficult time I always thought we would work through it, until one day a text popped up on his phone from another woman. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I read through their raunchy text messages. I confronted him instantly and he admitted to a two-month affair. I expected him to beg me for forgiveness, but instead he blamed me for pushing him into her arms and said if I’d supported him through his grief then it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Now I’m at a complete loss. How could he do this to me?

Some people always play the victim, even when they are clearly the one at fault. It’s likely your husband is feeling guilty for what he did and instead of facing the truth is deflecting as a way to cope. But he is not being fair or supportive. Unless he takes accountability for his behaviour, things will never improve. The best thing to do is find some time to sit him down and tell him how you feel. It is clear that you have both been struggling and need to start openly communicating. Read my support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It? together and think about couple counselling. If he still refuses to admit to his mistakes it may be best if you move on.

EX STRESS

I caught my husband reminiscing with his ex over text

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27150693/caught-husband-reminiscing-ex-over-text/

My partner has been messaging his ex and telling her he misses her. Even though he hasn’t cheated physically, it feels like he’s had an affair, and I’m gutted. We’ve been living together for nine years. I’m 37 and he’s 38, and we have one son, seven. I had the feeling something was up with him. He’d been distant for months. One evening, when he was taking a shower, I snuck a look at his phone. I found a string of messages to his ex-girlfriend - his first love - saying he can’t stop thinking about her. In the messages, they were reminiscing about their relationship. There was nothing obviously sexual, but it was a betrayal. I felt sick, as I realised he’d texted her when he was out with me and our son, or while we were watching a film. I told him what I’d seen. He was angry that I’d looked at his phone and said he’d been feeling unhappy and unappreciated. He claimed he would never have met up with her or taken things further. She’s happily married. But I feel like he would have slept with her if the opportunity had presented itself. He wants to sort things out, but I no longer feel I can trust him. What should I do?

Emotional affairs can hurt just as much, if not more, than physical cheating. Your partner should have told you he was unhappy. But on some level you did know, or you wouldn’t have looked at his phone. It’s understandable that you are wondering whether you should walk away. However, you have a young child together, and breakieng up your family would have a huge impact on him. Trust can be rebuilt if both partners make an effort. See my support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It? for more advice. Try to get to the bottom of what has gone wrong between you. Relationship counselling could really help. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1960).

HAD ENOUGH

I am sick of my manipulative mum talking me down and ruining my life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27154403/manipulative-mum-talking-me-down/

MY mum used my autism diagnosis to manipulate me. I’m her 30-year-old daughter and I can’t move on from how Mum treated me. My childhood was filled with abuse from her. She screamed at me, swore at me, and picked fights on a daily basis. She regularly called me stupid and told me I would never live a normal life, never do well in school, or get a job because of my diagnosis. I was always thought of as being stupid, lacking independence, and unable and not trusted to make my own decisions. I’d always wanted to go to university but never had any support. But as an adult, my partner encouraged me to go, and so I decided to apply. I was ecstatic when I got my first choice. However, my mum’s response to my good news was demoralising. She said I was setting my goals too high and couldn’t do it. Despite her hurtful comments I completed my degree and even got my Masters. Still she didn’t bother to attend my graduation or congratulate me. The latest thing is that she has ruined my credit score because she used my credit card. She told me she’d only spend £80 and pay it off the same month, however, she spent nearly £3,000 and is yet to pay back a penny. I want to cut her off, but I know this would only cause grief for my siblings. I’m sick of my mother’s manipulation. How can I get past this?

Cutting her out may be for the best, but it would be a big step and you would need to be sure it would be the right move for you. Your mother does sound manipulative and selfish. Even if you aren’t ready to completely sever all contact, you’d certainly benefit from introducing much clearer boundaries. Unfortunately, your mother is unlikely to change, and your relationship is toxic. Breaking off your relationship may be for the best, but of course you’ll need to consider your siblings and how to explain your decision to them. You have a lot to work through and a counsellor would help you to unpick the next best steps for you. My support pack How Counselling Can Help explains more.

Footsie

I'm terrified my fetish will scare off my girlfriend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27181039/terrified-fetish-scare-off-girlfriend/

I have started seeing a lovely woman but I’m terrified my fetish will scare her away. Even though I like women, I’m obsessed with men’s feet and fantasise about playing with them. I’m 28 and have had this fetish ever since I first became interested in sex. Perhaps it dates from when I was a kid, and my brother’s mates held me down and made me suck their toes. Now I view foot fetish porn and pics of men’s feet online. During the summer, I find it hard not to stare at men wearing sandals. I used to think I might be gay, but I did hook up with a guy once. Although I enjoyed kissing and fondling his feet, I didn’t enjoy the actual sex. I really want my new relationship to work out but my fetish seems to be growing stronger. The last thing I want is to end up cheating on her.

It’s likely your fetish does stem from your childhood experience. Foot fetishes are very common. Some scientists think that because feet are next to genitals in the part of the brain that responds to touch, sometimes the wires get crossed. My support pack Fetish Worries explains more, and talking to someone should help. Contact the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk). If your relationship develops, confide in your new girl. If she knows you’re trying to control this, she should understand.

Genetic condition

Have I caused my children's problems with anxiety?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27181038/caused-childrens-problems-anxiety/

My anxiety is ten times worse because my two sons have also started to suffer with it and I am worried I have passed it on. I’m a married woman of 58 and I have three grown up children – a daughter and two sons. I’ve been having therapy after a burglary in my home. Thankfully, we were away in our caravan at the time of the break-in. But when I walked back into my house and saw the devastation, I had an enormous anxiety attack. The therapy is helping. My eldest son has a stressful job as a police officer and he is currently having therapy through work after a man he was arresting pulled a knife on him. He has been given time off too, which is great. My other son spent last Saturday night in hospital with heart palpitations and anxiety and the hospital told him this was due to the stress he has had over a house move. He is at home now and he’s OK, but he’s arranging some therapy for himself too. My daughter seems so much more resilient and things don’t bother her so much, but I’m scared that my sons will always have these issues like me. Could it be that I have passed this on to them both? Feelings of anxiety are so horrible and I’m wondering if they are suffering because of me.

There’s not enough evidence to prove a genetic link when it comes to developing anxiety. Some families do suffer together and others do not. The very good news is, you are open about your own anxiety and you’ve done something about it. Your sons can see that the therapy has helped you, so rather than suffer in silence they are taking positive action also. Talking about how you feel can help. You can all benefit from finding out more by reading my support pack, Living With Anxiety.

MONSTER-IN-LAW

My narcissistic mother-in-law is ruining my marriage

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27150690/narcissistic-mother-in-law-ruining-marriage/

Although I’m happily married, my narcissistic mother-in-law is so difficult she’s now coming between me and my husband. She has never liked me but, since we had our first child, three years ago, she’s become increasingly nasty. I’m 38 and my husband is 40. My mother-in-law is 68. She doesn’t respect our boundaries. For example, I asked her not to put pictures of our son online, but she ignored me. My husband says she’s got a ‘strong personality’ and we should just tolerate her for a quiet life. But I can’t. I’ve said I no longer want to see her and I won’t take our child to her house. It's causing arguments with my husband. He wants a normal family, with Sunday lunches at his parents, but I just can’t tolerate having her in my life. Now she’s invited my husband and son to visit her. I’ve said I don’t want my son to go if I’m not welcome. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want a relationship with me and has bad-mouthed me to my husband and other people. She’s even blocked me from her phone and social media. What should I do?

It’s understandable you don't want to see your toxic mother-in-law. But it’s not fair to deny your son any type of relationship with his grandparents. Perhaps you should allow your husband - who is stuck in the middle - to take him there. Make it clear to him that you won’t tolerate her bad-mouthing you in front of your son. It may be helpful to get advice from Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, tel 0808 800). You can also get support from Stand Alone (standalone.org.uk) who help people estranged from a family member.

DEAR DEIDRE

Split with cheating ex led me to drink and drugs - now she's got me back in bed

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27166638/split-with-cheating-ex-drink-drugs/

EVERY time I think I’m starting to get over my cheating ex, she draws me back in. The pain of learning she’d been having sex with my boss, someone I previously respected, has driven me to drink and drugs and I know I can’t live without her. I’m 30 and she’s 28. We were together for four years before she started sleeping with the owner of the hotel I managed. One of my friends tipped me off that she was doing this, and when I confronted her she admitted it had been going on for more than a year. I was devastated because I had truly thought she was “the one”. She moved out, leaving me alone in our flat. The pain was so overwhelming that I started getting hammered to drown it out, or wasted on drugs. Since we split, my ex has begged me for forgiveness and asked if we can try again. At first, I resisted, but then I had a moment of weakness and invited her round to talk. We both cried in each other’s arms and ended up sleeping together. It was wonderful — until she left, and then all my feelings of anger and hurt flooded back. That night, I drank myself unconscious. We’ve had sex twice again since, and are unofficially seeing each other. My friends and family don’t know. I’m keeping it a secret, as they’d tell me to forget her. All I want is for things to go back to the way they were. I know she loves me but she’s bad for me.

Breaking up with someone you deeply love is incredibly painful – a huge loss, similar to a bereavement. You’ve been numbing the hurt by self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. The problem is this doesn’t allow you to heal, it simply masks the real issues. Now you have told yourself you are unable to resist your ex, even though you don’t trust her. This isn’t healthy either. You feel you need her, despite the pain she’s caused. In fact, you’re not even telling those close to you, as you know they won’t approve. See my support pack, Addictive Love, about these types of relationships and how you can move on. The best thing you can do is break off contact, at least until you are stronger. Get support from your family and think about counselling.

THANK YOU

When anxiety was taking over my life, you helped me through

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27150689/anxiety-taking-over-life-helped-through/

Anxiety left me with toilet troubles, which made me too anxious to go out. I was terrified I’d have an accident in public and if I had to go anywhere, I’d take some Imodium first. I’m 28. I lost my job and then had a breakdown, which left me with severe anxiety and tummy problems. Life felt very bleak. I couldn’t see how I’d ever be able to return to work or have another relationship. You told me I needed to deal with the root cause of my anxieties, rather than taking Imodium for physical symptoms - which wouldn’t be good for me long term as it can cause heart problems. You suggested I ask my GP to refer me for counselling, and gave me your support packs about Anxiety and Finding Work. Your support packs were so helpful. I took your advice about stopping the Imodium and started to tackle my anxiety, making myself take small journeys until it felt less frightening to be out. I’ve now even had a few job interviews and feel like I’m getting back to being myself again.

People underestimate the power of anxiety. Well done on beginning to conquer it. I do hope you will be back at work soon.

LOVE CRUSH

The guy I love flirts with me but doesn’t to be want more than friends

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27150688/guy-love-flirts-doesnt-want-more-friends/

The guy I’m in love with flirts with me, but says he doesn’t want more than friendship. I’m so confused about why he behaves like this, when we’re perfect for each other. I’m 18 and he’s 19. We’ve been best mates since we were at school together. We talk every day and he’s always telling me how much he values my friendship and how great I am. When we meet up, he’s very affectionate, always hugging me and play-fighting and making lots of eye contact. But when I said I wanted to be more than friends, he said he wanted to keep me as a mate. It’s messing with my head. What’s going on with him?

Some people are naturally flirty. Your mate might be frightened to get involved, in case it ruins your close friendship. Perhaps he’s happy being single. Unfortunately, you can’t make him want a relationship, even if you feel it would work. Things might change in time, or they might not, but for now, it’s best to accept his decision or distance yourself if you find the friendship frustrating. Read my support pack, Learning To Love.

Dear Deidre

I want my sex worker lover to leave her life behind for me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27181037/sex-worker-lover-leave-life-behind/

The sex worker I’ve got to know can’t have a relationship with me in case she loses her job but I want her to leave that life behind. I’m a single guy of 34 and this girl is an escort but she only works at the place once a week as she’s trying to pay off her student loan. She’s training to be a social worker but the pay isn’t great so she supplements her income by doing this sort of work. She’s 23. There was an instant connection between us and the sex was off the scale. I have a very high libido but I’ve never been able to find a girlfriend. I’ve had a few one-night stands but that’s about it. I’ve used escort agencies before and that satisfies me but the connection between me and this girl is something else. She’s amazing. I told her I’d like to see her the next time I needed somebody, but she said she couldn’t guarantee she’d be there so I didn’t pressurise her. She was on my mind constantly so I went back after three weeks and, amazingly, she was working. I told her that I was falling in love with her. She said that she couldn’t get emotionally attached to me because her boss keeps a close eye, checking they don’t become close to the clients. The last girl who fell for a client got the sack. We have something special, though — although her boss has been in contact with me and has offered me discounts if I go with another girl. I don’t want to leave this girl working here. She’s perfect for me.

She may be, but are you perfect for her? I’m sorry to burst your bubble but if she felt the same, she’d be giving you hints she was interested. She’d be talking to you about quitting the sex trade and looking to supplement her income some other way. She makes you feel special because that’s her job. She’s attentive and loving because you are paying for her time. The guy running the business doesn’t want to lose a popular escort to a punter, hence those discount codes. Rather than using escorts, networking socially and finding a mutual interest will show you the connection you crave, without it being purely sexual – that can come later. Aim for friendship first rather than looking for girlfriend material.My support pack Finding The Love Of Your Life shows you how.

DEAR DEIDRE

New girlfriend took advantage of my grief and swindled me out of thousands

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27151142/new-girlfriend-took-advantage-grief-swindled-thousands/

After losing my wife, I finally met someone I thought I could find happiness with again. But now I realise she completely hoodwinked me with her attentive sex routine and loving talk. As soon as I’d given her my savings, she ghosted me. I now realise I’ve been scammed and I am devastated. I’m 54 and my late wife, who died in an accident 18 months ago, was 50. We were married for 25 years and had two children who are now adults. I was in a terrible state after my wife’s sudden death and felt extremely lonely. A friend persuaded me to join an online group for widows and widowers, so I could talk to others who’d understand. Through the group, I met a woman, 45. She seemed lovely - kind, sensitive and easy to talk to. She told me she had lost her husband to cancer. She also mentioned a son, who had drug issues, and how hard it was to deal with him alone. Over time we grew close. I felt guilty after the first time we had sex but when she told me I was the first man she’d met who had made her believe she could love again, I really began to think we had a future. Then she began talking about how she’d found a rehab unit for her son, but she couldn’t afford it. It cost thousands. I offered to lend her the money and she, at first, refused. But she kept saying how worried she was, and eventually, ‘agreed’ to take my money - £3,500. A week later, she suddenly said she wasn’t in a good place for a relationship, and promptly ghosted me. She’s blocked me on all social media and her phone. I can’t believe anyone could be this calculated and cruel. I feel so hopeless and humiliated.

This woman has taken advantage of your loneliness, which is despicable. Scammers deliberately target people who are vulnerable and by joining this group this woman knew she would meet fragile people. Thankfully, you found out relatively quickly. Do lean on your friends and family, they will want to support you and time will make this easier to bear. But do think about bereavement counselling if you’re finding it hard to cope. My support pack on Bereavement explains where to find support. It may not be possible to recover the money, but it’s worth talking to your bank and contacting Action Fraud (actionfraud.police.uk). And if you haven’t already, contact whoever runs the website, so this woman can’t do this to anyone else.

ADDICTIVE LOVE

Every time I try to leave my narcissist boyfriend reels me back in

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27120389/try-leave-narcissist-boyfriend-reels-back-in/

I’m worried my boyfriend is a narcissist and I’m not sure how much more of him I can take. I’m 34, he’s 36 and we’ve been together for six months. When we first started dating he was so charming, charismatic, and kind. He did everything he could to make me feel special, from planning romantic dates to surprising me with flowers. Since we made it official, he’s turned into someone I don’t recognise. Suddenly he had a lack of interest in my life and shied away from showing me any affection. He no longer wanted to go on dates and started cancelling our plans last minute. Whenever I tried to discuss it he would instantly be on the defensive. I’m beginning to notice he refuses to take any responsibility and turns the blame on me. Every time I get to the verge of leaving him it’s almost as if he can tell and hooks me back in with gifts and mind-blowing sex. I know that he’s no good for me, but I feel stuck.

Unfortunately, narcissists don’t change and generally become worse the more you stand up to them. He love-bombed you early on, a familiar pattern used by narcissists to create a strong bond and even addictive relationship. Now he’s showing his true colours. Please think about what he’s actually bringing to your relationship. My guess is, very little, in which case, please accept you’d be better apart. My support pack called Addictive Love may help you to decide.

SIZE STRESS

My penis is so big that my girlfriend broke up with me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27120388/penis-so-big-girlfriend-broke-up-me/

People always claim that bigger is better, but I’m so well-endowed that my girlfriend broke up with me. I’m 26, she’s 25 and we were together for seven months. We had a great relationship but sex was always an issue for us. It’s fair to say that I’m bigger than your average man, and it’s always caused me issues. While I know the average penis measures around six inches, mine is closer to 10 inches. Every time we had sex it hurt her, and the pain carried on for hours afterwards. She’d try to pretend that she was enjoying it, but I could tell from her face she wasn’t and was just doing it to please me. I suggested that we try various lubes and different positions but nothing seemed to help. Eventually, my girlfriend started to avoid sex and while I tried my best to satisfy her in other ways, it was never enough. It wasn’t long before told me she couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with me. Now I’m at a complete loss. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her.

There’s no such thing as “too large”. So long as a woman is properly aroused, her vagina should be able to accommodate any size of penis. It may be difficult to accept, but the right person won’t leave because of your size. My support pack Too Large explains this issue in more detail and how you can go about dealing with it.

Dear Deidre

My husband came crawling back three hours after he left me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27064943/husband-crawling-back-three-hours-after/

My husband had sex with a woman who has the worst reputation for going with any man who so much as looks at her. He was so taken in that he left me for her — but came crawling back just three hours later. I’m 35 and a hairdresser. He’s an estate agent and 39. We had a nice life together and I thought we would have a baby in the next year or so. But I have been distracted with some family issues lately and have to concede I haven’t had any energy left over for my husband. My brother is 34 and he’s just come out of hospital after a bad cycling accident. I’ve been preoccupied with visiting him and checking in on my parents. My husband came home last week and told me we needed to talk. He put his head in his hands and said he didn’t feel the same about me anymore and he had been having an affair with one of the lettings agents from work. I knew who it would be straight away. I know her — she went to school with me. She’s 36. She always has a man on the go but it never lasts and she dresses very provocatively no matter what the occasion. Why would he choose her over me? He just apologised, said he was leaving, and packed a bag. When he put the key in the door later I thought he’d forgotten something, but he walked into the kitchen saying, “I’m so sorry. I’m an idiot. What was I even thinking?” So he’s back and we are working on things. I’ve forgiven him but it is hard to move on. What if he gets his head turned by her again? He says he only wants me but I can’t trust him.

The person he chose to leave you for says more about him than you. He realised that what he wanted from a relationship he already had. He’ll have to prove to you he’s trustworthy. He should have been supportive during your family crisis but decided instead that he couldn’t live without attention. You’re in the driving seat now. Allow him to try to make it up to you for as long as it takes. If you’re still struggling after, say, three months, consider talking to a couples counsellor for help. My support pack on Cheating will show you where to find support.

WEIGHTY SUBJECT

I can't feel aroused now that my husband has put on weight

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27089651/cant-feel-aroused-husbands-put-on-weight/

Since my husband put on weight, I no longer feel any spontaneous sexual attraction towards him. When we do have sex, I’m ashamed to admit I now favour doggy style as I don’t get turned on if I’m facing him. I’ve told him it’s become my favourite position, but I’m worried he’ll realise the true reason. I’m 34 and he’s 38. We’ve been married for six years. He was made redundant a few years ago, and since then he’s been far less active and has put on about three stone. Our sex life was fine before, but since he got so heavy I can only get turned on with lots of foreplay – and if I keep my eyes closed. I no longer look at him and feel instant attraction and desire, like he does. I know he’s self-conscious about his weight gain, and the last thing I want is to make him feel worse. And he is making an effort to lose it with diet and exercise. This isn’t about fat-shaming him – I don’t have a problem with bigger people or think they look bad. But I simply can’t get aroused by him any more.

You’re not a bad person. You fancied your husband more when he was slimmer, and you can’t tell your body how to respond. It’s possible that part of your reason for feeling less aroused is that you’ve been together for several years. Spontaneous sexual arousal is often dulled by time and familiarity and naturally turns into responsive arousal where we need more stimulation to get the same reaction. My support pack Saving Your Sex Life can help. The fact your husband lost his job will no doubt have affected his confidence. He may be feeling less attractive as a result, which you are in turn picking up on. If things don’t improve, think about couples counselling. See tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960) for more information.

Let down

My lesbian lover left me to my own devices when my Dad died

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27064949/let-down-secret-married-lesbian-lover/

I’ve been in a secret lesbian relationship with a woman married to a man. She’s 35 and we met at our gym. I’m 39 and I’ve only had one long-term relationship before. My lover and I went to the same classes. One evening, we skipped the circuits session altogether and went for a drink. I wasn’t expecting anything to happen but after we both admitted to being gay, we started meeting whenever we could and we’ve had sex many times. But then my father got sick and had to go in to hospital. Naturally, I was focused on him rather than my girlfriend. It’s been a difficult time and I’ve been spending most of my time caring for Dad. Sadly he died last month but since then my girlfriend hasn’t been responding to my messages. I feel so alone.

I’m so sorry you are feeling let down when you need some help. My Bereavement support pack will be useful for you. If your girlfriend couldn’t understand you have other priorities, she isn’t right for you. And that’s before you even get into the fact she is married. My support pack Your Lover Not Free? explains more about these sorts of relationships. Walk away from this relationship which is bringing you down. Get out with your friends and meet new people. You may find somebody who is free, wants a special relationship with you and doesn’t need to meet in secret.

NO LIFE

Caring for my partner has given me horrendous anxiety

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27089653/caring-partner-horrendous-anxiety/

Caring full time for my partner has left me so anxious, I can’t even go swimming. I seem to have forgotten how to enjoy life. I’ve given up all my hobbies and interests and have no social life. I’m a man of 58 and my partner, who is disabled after a severe stroke, is 56. I’ve been caring for her for three years. I suffer from depression and am on medication for it. My doctor also advised me to do some exercise, instead of sitting in front of the TV every day. I used to love swimming, so I joined a local leisure centre. But when I got there, I couldn’t get in the pool. I was paralysed with fear. I sat in the changing room unable to move. I felt like I didn’t deserve this time to myself. How can I overcome this so I can have a life again?

You are a devoted partner and carer and deserve happiness and enjoyment. In fact, I’d go as far as saying you need it, in order to continue with this dedication. It’s no wonder after years of living an insular life you have lost your self-confidence. My support packs on Anxiety and Raising Self-esteem should be useful. For more help contact anxietyuk.org.uk (03444 775 774). Talk to your doctor and see if your medication can be changed, as this might help, too. And when you feel stronger, perhaps you can find a quiet pool session to start swimming again.

Dear Deidre

I posted all over social that my wife cheated on me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27089649/regret-posting-wifes-cheating-social-media/

After my wife cheated on me, I was so angry I told everyone exactly what she had done – but I regret it now that I want to give things another go. If we get back together I feel I’ll be humiliating myself. I’m 40, she’s 41 and we have two children. We’ve been married for 15 years. A few weekends ago, she went to a wine bar for her friend’s birthday.She didn’t come home until the next morning, when she explained she’d been too drunk so had stayed with a mate. I believed her. But the next day, a friend of mine — who unbeknown to her had been at the same bar — rang to tell me he’d seen her kissing another man. They’d left the bar together. I was absolutely furious at her betrayal and lies. I went straight to social media and put up a picture of her, saying exactly what she’d done. When I calmed down, I felt bad about the post. I didn’t want it to get back to my kids, and I realised it also made me look pathetic. But by then the news was out. My wife and I had a furious row. She said I should have confronted her, rather than making what happened public. I know she’s right. Since then, we’ve been talking about whether we should split up. I am still angry but I don’t want to lose my kids. And I do still love her and want to work through things. But everyone is telling me if I have any pride I should leave. I feel trapped.

You posted online because you were hurt and angry. That’s understandable. Feeling embarrassed that everyone knows about your wife’s cheating – as a result of your post – is also very natural. But pride isn’t everything. You’d have even more regrets if you walked away from your marriage and your kids in order to save face. Only you and your wife’s opinions matter in your marriage. If you want to get to the bottom of why she cheated, you’ll need to work on your communication and rescue your relationship. That’s your decision. Other people will accept your choice. They’ll soon find something else to gossip about. Discuss this with your wife. It may be helpful to read my support pack Cheating, Can You Get over It? together.

FAMILY HEARTBREAK

My thoughtless brother organised wedding on anniversary of dad's death

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27059128/brother-wedding-dad-death-anniversary/

HOW can my brother be so thoughtless? He has organised his wedding and it will be taking place on the fifth anniversary of our dad’s death. Mum walked out on us when we were little, so Dad brought us up alone. I’m a woman of 33 and I lived with him until he died. He was 61 and had cancer. My brother is 30 and we were all so excited when he got engaged. It was something positive to celebrate. But I was completely blindsided to learn he has set the date for Dad’s anniversary. I don’t know whether he’s realised but everything has been booked and I don’t imagine he can change it now. How do I tell him?

Find a moment to remind your brother this will be extra special because it marks your dad’s anniversary. He may have consciously organised this to remember your father and celebrate his life as well as the wedding. You may want to suggest to your brother about having a moment within the celebrations to remember him – perhaps have a framed photo of all three of you together on display. Write down a programme for yourself. Early on in the day, have time to pause and focus on your father. Then when it comes to the celebrations, freshen up and be with your brother. He will love your dad just as much, but has a different way of processing his death.

No drive

I’d love my wife to turn off the telly and focus on me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27064946/wife-i-intimate-sex-off-the-cards/

When the alarm goes off at six am, my wife is up and out of bed and watching television downstairs. I think it’s her way of avoiding sex with me. We’ve been together for 25 years. We are both 53. Every night we both say, “I love you” as we have a goodnight kiss but sex is very definitely off the cards. Sometimes she’ll let me feel her breasts but that’s as close as I get.I try to make her feel good. I tell her that she looks beautiful, or her hair looks nice, or that I like her clothes. She just shrugs at me as if she doesn’t care if I love her or not. If she told me she’d met somebody else, I could move on but there are no signs of that and every night she says she loves me. She’s a nurse so she’s often tired after a long shift but she does have some time off. We had sex about six months ago but she was wearing a nightie and I imagine she thought, “jump on, then jump off when it’s over”. Then she got out of bed. I’m a hot-blooded guy who still wants to have sex regularly. What can I do to win her round because I just don’t know?

As she’s 53, you’ll probably find that the menopause has had an effect on her libido. Find a quiet moment to tell her that you miss the intimacy you once enjoyed and ask how you could help her feel more in the mood. Could you suggest date nights out or you cook her a meal while she has a bath? If the menopause is affecting her, encourage her to see her GP about this. My support pack called Couples Massage is full of ideas which may help to reignite her desire once more.

DEAR DEIDRE

My new life with lover has left me feeling isolated and alone

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27120392/new-life-lover-left-feeling-isolated-alone/

When my lover and I decided to leave our spouses and start a new life together, I was nervous but so excited about our future. Two years later I feel so isolated and alone. I am 47 and my partner is 50. I thought I was happily married but the moment he joined my company, I knew I was in trouble. We worked closely together on the same customer services team and it wasn’t long before we shared a passionate kiss after a late night in the office. After that, we couldn’t stay away from each other and it wasn’t long before a couple of colleagues cottoned on to our affair. We felt we needed to tell our partners ourselves but we also agreed it was a blessing in disguise - because the time felt right for us to be together. This wasn’t just a one night stand or fleeting lustful fling - this was about deeper feelings. I for one hated the secrets and deceit and was looking forward to our relationship being out in the open. However, the last few years have been tough. My grown up daughter and only child, hasn't taken it well and my boyfriend still refuses to integrate me into his family. I’m yet to receive an invitation to any of his family events. Tonight I’m at home alone while he celebrates his birthday with his two sons and ex-wife. We’re together but I feel kept at arm's length. I worry he’s ashamed of our relationship. To make matters worse my daughter still harbours huge resentment towards me. I’m lucky if she even picks up the phone to me.

While it’s understandable that your partner may have needed some time before fully integrating you into his life, two years is a long time to be waiting on the sidelines. By the sounds of it, he’s struggling with the guilt of the affair and is worried about his family’s reaction to your relationship. It’s likely that he’s struggling with the shame of his actions, and isn’t thinking through how this is affecting you. The only way to solve this is by speaking to him. Explain that family is important to you, and you want to be more involved in his life. Give him the chance to reassure you and change his behaviour. Don’t give up with your daughter, keep assuring her you love her. I’m sending you my support pack How to Look After Your Relationship to help.

Family ties

I'm terrified of my threatening cousin

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27067516/im-terrified-of-my-threatening-cousin/

I’m scared stiff of my cousin. He has a bad temper and threatens revenge on anyone who remonstrates with him. He’s lost a lot of friends over the years. We were friends growing up, through our childhood and teens, but he has turned into a bully who will pick a fight with anyone. I’m 32 and he’s 34. I couldn’t invite him to my wedding as we had a very small ceremony during the pandemic. He wasn’t impressed and complained several times to me. Recently, he’s taken to criticising my mum for not taking enough care of his mum, who is her sister. The truth is my mum is amazing, visiting and cooking for her sister twice a week after she had a stroke. All the family have dropped him – I’m the only one left with a half-decent relationship and that’s because I fear what he might do. I confided in him a lot in my teens and would hate him to share my secrets.

He may be all talk and no action but please proceed with caution. Don’t compromise your safety. You’ll find excellent support through the National Stalking Helpline (stalkinghelpline.org, 0808 802 0300). This organisation is for anyone made to feel harassed or intimidated by another person’s behaviour and who does not want to go directly to the police. It doesn’t sound as if many people would put great stock in anything he has to say.

SEEING RED

I am blonde and have just discovered husband's porn obsession with redheads

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27166639/husband-porn-obsession-with-redheads/

MY husband is obsessed with redheads but I’m a blonde. I discovered he looks at photos of redheaded women and watches porn videos featuring them. We’ve been married for ten years and have two young children. I’m 40 and he’s 42. I discovered his fetish when I went into his laptop photo app to find a family picture he’d taken. There were hundreds of photos of strange women. Then I looked at his browsing history and found the porn too. I confronted him and he said he didn’t know why he’d done it. He swore he loved me and thought I was beautiful, and that he would stop. Although he hasn’t had an affair, it feels like he’s cheated. When we have sex, I now imagine he’s thinking about women with red hair. It’s making me feel ugly and unwanted. Why is he with me if the women he is attracted to look nothing like me? I’m now paranoid whenever we’re out together and a redhead walks past. Can we get past this?

Just because your husband fantasises about redheads doesn’t mean he doesn’t fancy or love you. His thing for redheads sounds more like a fetish than a “type”. It’s the hair colour, rather than particular women, that turns him on. See my support pack about Fetishes for more about this. Tell him how this has made you feel and suggest couple counselling to work through it and rebuild trust. Contact tavistockrelationships.org.

DEAR DEIDRE

I've just found out my partner and I have same dad – and we are both in shock

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27059244/partner-and-i-have-same-dad/

I’VE just found out that my partner and I have the same dad – and we are both in shock. We’ve been together for two years. He is 29 and I’m 27. I’m an only child. My mum got pregnant after a one-night stand. I’ve never known my father but mum said she had “double the love” for me so I didn’t need a dad. I’ve always been close to my grandfather and that was enough for me. I met my partner on an evening out and we had sex on the first night. I thought that it would be a one-off. But he called me the next day and said he’d love to see me again. We started dating and moved in together after eight months. Last year my partner’s brother bought him a DNA kit for fun. The results came back and he found some previously unknown distant cousins, who had also registered. When it was my birthday, my partner bought a kit for me. I was full of trepidation, knowing that my father was out there and could have other kids. But I was horrified to find that my half-sibling was my partner. I’ve met “his” dad once at a wedding. He divorced my partner’s mum and has now remarried. He’s a nice guy and lives in Spain. My partner and I have been left reeling by this. We don’t know what to do with the information. Could the genealogy company have got it wrong? Can we say nothing about our relationship and continue as we are — and what if we want children ourselves one day?

It would be good to establish the validity of these results. Unfortunately, many who take these DNA tests because they are curious about family origins are not prepared for the emotional fallout when previously unknown relatives are identified. You can contact cellmark.co.uk (0800 036 2522), which provides approved DNA testing, for guidance. If the tests are correct, then I’m so sorry but continuing to have this relationship would be incestuous. I know you must be devastated but you will need to break up. What drew you together was most likely the family traits you share, which is known as genetic sexual attraction. Talk it all through with a counsellor. My support pack How Counselling Can Help explains where to find a reputable therapist.

DEAR DEIDRE

My gutless hubby ignores me so I have been bedding my colleague

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27023255/cheated-husband-colleague/

I AM so desperate for a man, not a spineless puppet like my husband, that I’ve started having sex with my colleague. My husband and I are nearly 40. We have been married for more than ten years and have a son we adore. Most women talk about becoming invisible as they age but I feel more attractive than ever and always receive compliments from everyone around me. Except from my husband. He barely notices me. He is more interested in lying on the sofa and has zero get up and go. I’m desperate to feel alive again. We only go out for the day or to a restaurant if I organise everything and tell him where to be and what to wear. And he has no interest in ­having sex with me — it’s like he has no sexual needs at all. We haven’t been intimate for years, not that he ever really satisfied me anyway. He isn’t the biggest down below and I was lucky if sex lasted a minute. So things can’t improve there anyway. All of this led me to have an affair with a colleague. It started as friends-with-benefits, but now it’s so much more. We cannot stay away from each other now. He knows my situation and expects no more from me. On the outside, we look like the perfect family: We never argue, and my husband lets me have my own way. But I want him to have a backbone. I know I need to speak to him about this, and I don’t know how to go forward. If I end my affair, my ­marriage won’t work out anyway. At the same time I don’t think my lover and I necessarily have a future. How do I tell my husband we need to separate?

I can see why you’re feeling frustrated but cheating is never the way forward. You seem to have considered all the options, other than working on your relationship and sex life with your husband. You say your sex life can’t improve, and it certainly won’t if you don’t talk to him as a starting point. Men can be great lovers, no matter the size of their penis and women usually reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation which is outside of the vagina, so not reliant on penetration. Your husband needs to know what to do for you. Have you ever told him about how he can satisfy you in bed and what gives you pleasure? If you are unwilling to work on your sex life and marriage then I agree it would be best to end this relationship. However you have a child. So wouldn’t it be worth trying for their sake – at least initially? You would both benefit from seeing a sex and relationship therapist. COSRT, the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk) can help put you in contact with a reputable counsellor.

DEAR DEIDRE

I left hubby for my lover but he's still with his wife & now we barely meet up

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27038116/cheated-husband-married-lover/

Before we got married, my husband made me choose between him and a co-worker. I chose him, but my friend was never far from my thoughts. Three years on and although we are both married, my colleague and I are enjoying an intense affair. I suppose that our liaison was inevitable. When my husband proposed I thought of my friend and even on my wedding day, my mind was on him. Since then my co-worker told me if he’d known how I felt about him, he would never have proposed to his girlfriend or bought her a ring. I always felt my lover was someone special. He is 33, as is my husband, and I’m 31. During my first year of marriage I actively avoided my colleague but one day our departments sent us on the same training day and all my feelings came flooding back. It killed me inside when he said he was engaged. Still we’d text just to catch up. He never left my mind. Then we began working similar shifts so we began to flirt, hug and kiss. He confided in me that things weren’t good in his marriage. He kept saying that if I left my marriage, he’d leave his wife. We couldn’t keep apart and the sex was awesome. My relationship broke down and I have since moved out of our home but my colleague became very hit and miss. He said his wife was making an effort and although it confused him, he wanted us to continue. He texts far less and we’ve barely met up. His wife is more affectionate but he says he still thinks about me. The last time we spoke he said he thinks he’s going to stay with his wife because she’s really trying. I haven’t seen him outside of work for three weeks. He’s broken me.

He had no intentions of leaving his wife – at least not while he was having the best of both worlds. You fell for him but he’s made it clear he’s not going to commit to you. Shed your tears over him but then make a determined effort to move on. My support pack Your Lover Not Free? will help you think this through. Concentrate on improving your social life. There are plenty of great guys who are unattached. Find one who is worthy of your love and who wants the same as you.

FAMILY FORUM

My husband has dementia & is disappearing before my eyes - I am struggling

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27024591/husband-dementia-disappearing-struggling/

WATCHING my husband stare blankly at our lawnmower for over 30 minutes was the first sign things were about to go very wrong for us. My gorgeous husband is disappearing before my eyes and I know the day when he won’t recognise me is fast approaching. We are both 57 and dementia is stealing our future. He was diagnosed three years ago with young onset Alzheimer’s but the indications had been there for months. To begin with, I hoped work stress would explain his changed behaviour; he’d take the wrong direction on familiar routes and muddle simple instructions, but the day he drove down a dual carriageway I knew we needed help. Our two daughters, who are in their early 20s, have moved back home to help with their dad’s care. But some days I find our situation so hard to bear and I’m struggling as some friends simply don’t get it. A few moan about their husbands for really petty things, watching too much football or not checking the calendar and I want to scream at them to appreciate what they have. It isn’t me to be so bitter and angry, how do I shake this off?

To be diagnosed with this cruel disease at such a young age is particularly distressing. You are experiencing anticipatory grief or living grief which, while your loved one is still alive, they are no longer the person you knew. You are carrying a huge burden and you too need support, in order to be able to look after him. Talk honestly with friends and family. Simply explain as you lose your husband, you would love to see them appreciate their partners. Put some firm boundaries in place and calmly state you aren’t in a place to discuss their relationship niggles. They should get the message. Try to surround yourself with people who lift you up rather than leave you feeling depleted. Contact alzheimers.org.uk (0333 150 3456). Its advisers will give you support, advice and connect you to help you need.

WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE

My partner keeps liking and commenting on pics of her ex on social media

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27024082/partner-commenting-liking-pics-ex-social/

I THOUGHT I’d found my perfect partner until her ex popped up on Facebook. We’ve been together for five years. I’m in my early 60s, and my partner is in her late 50s. She’d mentioned his name while we were on a dog walk, and I didn’t think anything of it. However, he came up under the “people you may know” tab, so I had a look at his profile. My heart dropped when I found out my partner had commented “looking good x” on two of his recent photos. He is everything I’m not; toned, muscular, and handsome. She has never commented that I look good in any of my photos. I noticed the name of his partner and that they’d only been together for a few months. Then I realised I knew this woman and that my partner had quizzed me about her before. When I asked why, she just said, ‘Oh, it’s just a name I’ve seen on Facebook.’ If she’s not interested in her ex, why would she ask me? Am I overreacting, or should I be worried about this?

Do not worry. Your partner and this man are history. He is with someone else, and she is with you. She may say he looks good on social media, but you also said the same thing yourself. It probably feels odd because he is another man. We can all fancy other people even when we’re in committed relationships or even when we’re married – it’s whether we do something inappropriate that counts. However, I’d recommend that you strengthen and improve your relationship rather than dwell on what could be and assume the worst. Tell your partner you’d like to spend more time together. You could have date nights and perhaps even a weekend away. My support pack How To Look After Your Relationship will help you nurture and improve the bond between you both. And you should also rerad my support pack on Jealousy, which has useful tips in case you ever come across a similar situation in your relationship again.

DEAR DEIDRE

I cheated on my fiancée with a prostitute - the guilt is keeping me awake

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26999430/cheated-fiancee-with-prostitute-stag-party/

FRIENDS always teased me because I’d only ever had one partner – so I cheated on my fiancée with a prostitute. Now the guilt is keeping me awake at night and I think I should tell her. I’m 27, my wife-to-be is 28, and we’ve been together for eight years since we met at university. I was a virgin before that. I’ve always been shy and she was my first (and only) proper relationship. She had a couple of other boyfriends before me, so she’s more experienced. I really love her and know she’s the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. That’s why I asked her to marry me last summer. But I often wondered what it would be like to have sex with someone else and worried I’d missed out. Over the years, my mates have ribbed me non-stop about my lack of experience. They have said things like the relationship won’t last and, if it does, how sad that I’ll only ever have sex with one girl. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a friend’s stag do — a weekend in Amsterdam. We all got drunk and a few of us ended up in the red light district. The others dared me to have sex with a prostitute. Stupidly, I agreed — mainly to save face. I hated every minute of it. I felt like I was using the girl and the sex was mechanical and unexciting. Afterwards, I went back to my hotel room and threw up. Since then, I’ve been overwhelmed with guilt. My fiancee knows that something is wrong. I feel like I should tell her so that I can get over this terrible guilt. We’ve always been completely honest with each other and I don’t know how I can marry her knowing I’ll be living a lie for the rest of my life. But I worry she’ll dump me if I tell her the truth.

Telling your fiancée what you did might make you feel better for a few seconds, but it will hurt her deeply and almost certainly destroy your otherwise happy relationship. Assuming you had safe sex – and it might be wise to get yourself checked out at a sexual health clinic – she’s better off not knowing. Instead, learn from your mistake, which it sounds like you’ll never repeat. You now know that experience for its own sake has no value. Unburden your guilt by talking to a counsellor in confidence. See my support pack Counselling for more about the benefits of this and how to arrange it.

SO STRESSED

My teeth are so ugly and uncomfortable that I don't go out socially

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27089656/teeth-ugly-uncomfortable-dont-socially/

My teeth are so ugly and uncomfortable that I no longer go out socially. Eating has become very difficult, which has led to me lose over a stone in weight. I’m a 49-year-old woman who wears dentures, but they are old and don’t fit properly. I was planning to get implants to replace them, but the cost of living is so high that there’s no way I can afford them. I’ve had to spend all my savings on a new boiler and it’s hard just keeping up with my mortgage payments. At work, I keep to myself, especially at lunchtime. I won’t let anyone see me eat. I’ve stopped meeting friends for meals because it’s so embarrassing. I used to be a sociable person, so I now feel lonely, too. Mealtimes are miserable. I feel hungry but can only manage soup.There’s no pleasure in life any more and the weight is dropping off me. This is stressing me out so much.

Your ill-fitting dentures are now affecting both your physical and mental health. Tell your GP how stressed, unhappy and isolated you are and point out how much weight you’ve lost. Also talk to your dentist about any cheaper alternatives to implants or some sort of payment plan. While you’re not scared of the dentist, my support pack Afraid Of The Dentist has some helpful information.

ABUSE TRAUMA

I'm scared to meet guy I found on dating app after being in abusive marriage

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27059173/dating-fears-abusive-marriage/

I FEEL too scared to go and meet this guy I have found on a dating app. I’m a woman of 40 and was in a very abusive marriage until I called the police about my husband. He was arrested and is now in prison. Things have been so difficult but my family were really great. My younger sister, 38, encouraged me to go on a dating app when I said I was lonely. I’ve been chatting to this guy online for almost a month. He seems really nice. He’s 42 and divorced. We have the same interests and live about 30 miles from one another. Now he has suggested going out for dinner as our next step. I fear this man might be like my ex-husband. But if he’s not, and is genuine, what if he doesn’t like me? I’m so worried about being rejected.

I’m afraid you can’t know either of those things until you dip your toe in the water. This guy seems genuine enough to want to get to know more about you. That’s great. Not every man is abusive and there is no rush to do anything you are not comfortable with. If you see a red flag then you can walk away. If there is anything that concerns you, please contact Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk) which can advise you. My support pack Love Online explains more about how to keep yourself safe when going on a date. He might just be your Mr Right.

TALK IT OUT

My lesbian pal told me we are going to spend the night together - I'm straight

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27038326/lesbian-friend-straight-sleep-together/

A WOMAN I’ve been friends with for many years has told me that when we go away we are going to sleep together. I am a 34-year-old man. My friend is 32 and a lesbian. I am a drummer in a band and we usually perform gigs in local pubs. We have a gig coming up in a month’s time which is 100 miles away. My friend often comes to watch and support our band and I really appreciate her support. However, when she has had a few drinks a different side of her comes out. She came to a gig recently with another girl. Later in the evening we spent a lot of time talking and flirting with one another and I ended up getting intimate with her while her date was there. My friend then told me that when we go away we are going to spend the night together. I like her but I don’t know what to do.

Even women who strongly identify as lesbians can find themselves attracted to men. She’s built up a deep emotional connection with you. It’s presumptuous of her to assume you want to have sex with her. Don’t go along with what she wants, just to please her, especially if she is seeing someone else. Talk to her when she is sober. If you know this is not what you want, tell her you are flattered but this is not for you. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help you.

Family issues

I'm sick of my addict brother ruling the roost

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27224961/sick-addict-brother-ruling-the-roost/

I am sick of my addict brother ruling the roost in our family. He behaves appallingly and gets away with it and I want him out of our house. I’m 26 and he’s 28. Property prices and rents are so expensive that after I left university, my parents agreed I could come onto their mortgage. I work and pay a share of the mortgage and for bills and food. The idea is that in the future I’ll take over the whole mortgage and the house will be mine. But my older brother, who has made a total mess of his life, ended up homeless. My parents said he could live back at home rent-free. He drinks too much, takes drugs and treats the place like a doss house. My parents won’t kick him out, and it’s leading to lots of arguments between us. I’m worried I’ll never be rid of him.

Your brother is behaving like this because your parents are allowing him to. Their leniency won’t help him beat his addictions either. Sit them down and talk seriously. Say how unfair this situation is, given that this is now your house too. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to have this conversation. You all need to talk to your brother too and set out ground rules for him. Contact Adfam (adfam.org .uk) which helps addicts and their families. My support pack, Drug Worries, should also be useful.

FAMILY'S A MESS

My daughter has disowned her brother because she thinks we favour him

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27059031/family-feud-daughter-disowned-brother/

THE family is in a mess. Our daughter has disowned her brother and now she’s shunning her dad and me too. She thinks we favour our son, although this is not the case at all. We love our children equally but they are very different. Our son is 22 and getting back on his feet after coming out of prison. He fell in with the wrong crowd and got caught up in drug dealing. It wasn’t in his personality at all. He doesn’t even have a drug habit and is a quiet guy who was always easily led. Our daughter is 24 and got married the month her brother came out of prison. While she invited him on the day, she has since cut him out of her life. Our daughter didn’t do well in school, but he was more academic, so the sibling rivalry seed was sown early on. She felt we always championed his accomplishments which underlined she had nothing to show. But I always made sure we praised her for different things. She had a baby last year and I’ve been looking after him two days a week at her house. We bought a car for our son to help him with finding work but it’s all kicked off with his sister. She went mad, saying we’d never given her anything like that. Now she’s told me not to babysit any longer. I’m 56 and heartbroken.

These feelings for your daughter go beyond buying your son a car. Write to her and explain how much you love her and how much her family means to you. Tell her how proud you are of her for all of her achievements. You can find more emotional support through grandparentsapart.co.uk, a charity dedicated to help grandparents keep in touch with their grandchildren.

CRUEL CURSE

I'm too handsome - women always believe I'm going to cheat on them

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27000005/too-handsome-relationships-are-ruined/

BEING too handsome is ruining my relationships. Women think I’m so good-looking that I’m bound to cheat, but all I want is to settle down. I’m 38 but look 25. I’m 6ft 2in, with a full head of hair, blue eyes, a square jaw and a naturally good physique. If I sound conceited, I’m really not. I know nature has blessed me but looks aren’t that important to me. I’m not vain and I don’t even go to the gym. Yet every woman I date says I’m far too fit to consider having a serious relationship with. They all think I’ll cheat because they believe I can have any woman I want, and they’re not good enough. I tell them that fidelity has got nothing to do with looks, but they don’t believe me. Recently, I met a woman who I fell madly in love with. She became so insecure when people said she was “reaching” that she ended our relationship. What can I do? I’d love to get married and have kids.

The problem isn’t your good looks, but the insecurity of the women you date, and the fact society places so much value on appearance. Be patient. The right woman won’t be frightened away, and she will trust you not to cheat. Focus on friendship first, so romance comes naturally. Perhaps next time you date, make a point of saying how beautiful you think your girlfriend is. And point out that studies show most couples are of similar levels of attractiveness, regardless of their own perceptions. My support pack, Finding The Love Of Your Life should help.

PRIVATE PARTS

My partner works as a nurse & sees many men's penises

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27023772/partner-nurse-mens-penises/

I DON’T like my partner working as a nurse as she gets up close to so many men and sees their penises. I’m 27 and my partner is 25. We’ve been together for just under a year. Every day when she goes to work, I think about how she will see and touch various men’s genitalia. People say to me, “Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all,” but I’ve worked out that she touches at least 50 different men a month. I’m not jealous, and I’m not worried about the size of my own privates or our sex life. I just worry she is thinking of another she has seen when we make love. She says it’s a part of her job, but it upsets me. What should I do?

Do not worry. Of course this is a part of your partner’s job. In their careers, nurses deal with thousands of patients, and they focus on these people’s health. Just remember how amazing it is that she is helping someone through their recovery and stay in a hospital. It takes a strong woman to do that job! My support pack on jealousy will help you address your feelings.

OLD FLAME

I'm 19 & always fall for women at least ten years older than me - it feels wrong

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27000401/always-falling-for-women-ten-years-older/

EVERY woman I fall for is at least ten years older than me. It feels wrong. But girls my own age don’t interest me. I’m 19 and have a massive crush on one of my university lecturers. I think she’s in her early thirties. I know I can’t have a relationship with her. But it’s not just her. I had crushes on female teachers at school too. I’ve known I was a lesbian since I was 13, but I’ve never had a relationship.

It’s not unusual to be attracted to older people. It may be we’re seeking a mother figure, stability or security. Older people are often more confident, which is attractive. Please do be careful, though, that no one significantly older tries to take advantage. My support packs Learning To Love, and Age-Gap Relationships, will be helpful. To chat about this, contact themix.org.uk.

DRESS DOWN

I wish my partner would wear the outfits I buy for our date night

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27023341/partner-wear-outfits-date-night/

MY partner refuses to wear the see-through tops I bought her. We are in our fifties and have been together for five years. I bought her these tops to wear at our weekly dinner date before we go upstairs. I thought they would be the perfect turn-on. But she has simply said no – she won’t wear them. I haven’t asked her to put them on for a walk up the street or in the pub. It’s all behind closed doors, so I can’t see the issue. We don’t live together, but she comes over once a week for our date night. I cook dinner, then we have a night of passionate sex. Am I being unreasonable to want her to wear them?

No one should be made to do something they are uncomfortable with. You will have to just accept that your partner does not want to wear these items. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t find other ways to spice up your sex life. Find a moment to talk to your partner about what she likes, and see if you can find something that turns you both on.

IN HER SHADOW

I know my partner loves me - but he can't seem to get over his dead wife

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26999770/haunted-by-ghost-partners-late-wife/

IT feels like there are three people in my relationship – me, my partner and the ghost of his dead wife. I know he loves me, but he doesn’t seem to be able to let go of her or her possessions. I’m 48 and divorced, and my partner is 58. His wife died from breast cancer five years ago, when she was 50. We met two years later and quickly fell in love. I knew he was still grieving, but he seemed ready for new love. I made it clear I didn’t want to replace her and I understood if he needed to talk about her. Our relationship is great – we have lots in common, and a good sex life. Our relationship is great – we have lots in common, and a good sex life. But it feels like it’s stalled because he just can’t move on. I’d like us to live together, but he won’t give up the house he shared with his late wife. It’s full of her things – not just photos, but all her clothes, handbags and knick-knacks. I try to make him stay at mine because staying the night at his place is so uncomfortable. It feels like we’re cheating on her, and I’m the other woman. Occasionally, he even accidentally calls me by her name during sex. I pretend I haven’t heard. I’m starting to think I’m always going to come second to this dead woman. I’ve tried talking to him about this, but he says I’m being silly and he’s committed to me. He says his adult kids would be upset if he gave up the house. What can I do?

You sound patient, reasonable and sympathetic, and you deserve more than to be forever living in his dead wife’s shadow. Perhaps he feels he’s being disloyal to her memory if he gets rid of her things. Or maybe he’s scared of committing to you, and this is a convenient excuse. Either way, you need to tell him how you feel. Make it clear you mean no disrespect but it’s time he put you first. If he isn’t able to, perhaps he isn’t really ready for a relationship. Sad as that would be, at least you’d know. Suggest having relationship counselling together, so you can talk about this in a safe environment. Find it via tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).

THANK YOU

When I had fantasies about my brother's wife, you gave me a reality check

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27000322/you-helped-me-fantasies-brothers-wife/

I WAS devastated last year when, out of the blue, my wife dumped me and left. Then I found myself developing sexual feelings for my brother’s wife. But the last thing I wanted was to spoil my relationship with him. I’m 48, my brother and his wife, and my ex, are all in their mid-forties. When I was newly single, my brother, his wife and I spent a lot of time together and I’d fantasise about her. I got the impression she fancied me too. But you gave me a reality check, reminding me she wasn’t available, and that pursuing her would destroy many relationships. You also pointed out that I probably wasn’t ready for any type of romance. The support pack you sent me, Mending Your Broken Heart, was so helpful. I got help and have worked through my feelings. I’ve realised how much my brother’s wife loves him. I am slowly healing, and hope that in the future I may be ready to date again.

Being abandoned will have left you with a form of grief which can be overwhelming and it’s natural to seek comfort anywhere. I’m very glad you are feeling more positive and hope one day you do find love again.

ANXIETY TROUBLES

My daughter suffers with crippling panic attacks - I just want to help

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27038292/daughter-panic-attacks-anxiety/

ON the face of it, my daughter appears to have it all. She has a first class honours degree, a great job, and is happy in love with a wonderful man. She is in the process of buying her first house, she has a great set of friends and had a very happy, loving childhood. She’s 31. She’s kind and beautiful and all appeared well. I’m her 59-year-old mum. I was shocked when she confided in me that she suffers with crippling panic attacks and severe anxiety. I never knew she was struggling. It has come out of the blue, as far as I am concerned. As her mum, I just want to help and take it all away but I know I can’t hand her an instant solution. I am worried that she feels under pressure to be perfect. We’ve always been so close. It upsets me terribly to know she’s suffering.

Living with anxiety and panic attacks can be debilitating. Your daughter’s mind and body are interwoven so her anxious thoughts are coming out as physical anxiety. Panic attacks happen when we feel threatened and our bodies become flooded with adrenaline normally lasting 20 minutes at most, so reassure your daughter the scary physical feelings never last. Urge her to see her GP and ask about CBT which explains how our thoughts manifest in physical feelings and helps people develop coping strategies. My support packs on anxiety and panic attacks will help.

BACK STABBING

My wife is sure my sister and cousin make jokes about her behind her back

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27038390/two-faced-wife-behind-back/

MY wife is adamant that both my sister and cousin make jokes about her behind her back. She believes they were texting each other when we all got together recently. We have argued about it continuously since then, with my wife accusing me of never believing her after I insisted they wouldn’t do such a thing. I’m 42 and my wife’s 39. We’ve been married for 15 years and have two daughters aged seven and five. My wife had trust issues when we first got together. She’d been cheated on by a previous boyfriend. It took a long time to gain her trust. My wife’s started distancing herself from my family and nothing I say will change her mind. I’m close to my sister and my cousin, so I’m finding this very difficult. My sister thinks my wife is being paranoid. This is so upsetting because my wife always regarded my sister and cousin as her two close friends. My wife flies off the handle when I try to talk to her and accuses me of undermining her. I’m truly at a loss and don’t know how to deal with this. I worry it could be the end of our relationship as I am not prepared to cut out my family for some-thing that I am convinced did not happen.

A partner as insecure and jealous as your wife is hard work but divorce must be the last option. Being dismissive of her fears just plays into them. Her feelings are real enough, even if your sister and cousin are innocent. When your wife is anxious, hug her and tell her you love her. But your wife also needs to make an effort to handle her insecurity better. Her jealousy doesn’t spring from someone else’s behaviour but from her own insecurities. My support pack Coping With Jealousy will help you beat this problem together.

Insecure

I'm worried my boyfriend is embarrassed of me because of my weight

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27273298/boyfriend-embarrassed-me-weight/

I’m a larger lady, and I’m starting to think my boyfriend is embarrassed by my size. We’ve been together for over a year, but he still hasn’t introduced me to his friends or family. I’m 28 and he’s 32. He seems very happy to have sex with me, take me away for weekends or holidays, or come round to my place when he’s lonely. But he never asks me to go out with his friends, or to meet his family or work colleagues. He doesn’t seem bothered about meeting mine either. I am a curvy lady - I know I’m overweight - with very large breasts and hips. He tells me he loves my ‘cuddly’ body and says he thinks I’m super-sexy. But I think he’s worried his friends won't find me attractive. He totally denies it. But I can’t imagine any other reason why he’d hide me away. When I’ve said I want to go out with his mates, he just says he loves spending time with me alone and doesn’t want to share me. Although I’m not an insecure person, this is beginning to knock my confidence. And I’m starting to wonder if he’s just using me and doesn’t see a future with me. I don’t want to waste my time. Should I end our relationship? I want to be with a man who is proud to take me out on his arm in public.

It does sound like your boyfriend might be taking you for granted. A year is a long time not to involve you in his whole life. It may not be because of your size though. Perhaps he is a commitment-phobe or, more worrying, he could be the controlling or jealous type. His comment that he ‘doesn’t want to share you’ rings alarm bells.You need to spell out to him how he’s making you feel. Tell him you don’t want to be his secret and you feel he’s ashamed of you. Ask if you can arrange to have some of his friends round, or to make a date to go out. If he doesn’t reassure you and set a date, perhaps it’s time to think about moving on as you deserve a full relationship. My support pack, Raising Self-Esteem, might be helpful for you to read.

ORGASM ISSUES

No matter how hard I try I can’t bring my wife to climax

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27120391/no-matter-hard-try-cant-bring-wife-climax/

No matter how hard I try I can’t bring my wife to an orgasm. All I want is for her to feel satisfied, and while she says she doesn’t mind, I feel awful that I can’t get her there. I’m 32, my wife is 29 and we’ve been married for two years. Our relationship is amazing but it’s fair to say that our sex life has always been lacking. Until she met me, my wife hadn’t been intimate with anyone else, so she was very inexperienced when we first started sleeping together. While this didn’t bother me, I knew that it would take time for her to become fully comfortable during sex. At first, I didn’t expect her to reach a climax, but now years later it still hasn’t happened and I worry I’m doing something wrong. Every time we get intimate she assures me that she’s having a good time, but I feel guilty that I can’t give her the ultimate satisfaction. By now we’ve tried everything - foreplay, special lubes, different positions, various toys, and vibrators, but nothing seems to work. The last thing I want to do is put pressure on her but I’m starting to worry that it could be something deeper. Where am I going wrong?

For most women pleasure begins in the brain, so if she’s constantly thinking about orgasming, it may be that she has difficulty letting go and enjoying the moment. Instead of focusing on the climax, try to take the pressure off, and start appreciating your intimacy without fixating on the end goal. It’s likely as soon as you stop thinking about it, it’ll start to happen. Encourage her to explore her own responses alone so that she can then guide you towards what works for her. My support pack Orgasm For Women explains more. If you're still having problems it may also help to see a sex therapist. Contact the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 020 8106 9635).

Single life

How do I find someone to love?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26900517/im-worried-that-im-unlovable/

For the last five years I’ve been single and worry anyone new will think I’m unlovable. I’m 30 and a man with a good job and nice car but I can’t find that special person to share my life with. I’m confident and I think I’m an OK sort of guy. I’m a bit inexperienced though. I’ve had two long-term relationships and I’ve never had sex other than with those women. I’ve not been with anyone since - I’ve not even had a cheeky kiss. I met a girl at a friend’s wedding recently and I thought she was lovely but after buying her a drink and having a chat with her, she walked off to talk to some other guy. I’ve been on lots of dating sites and whilst I find many women attractive, not many women seem to feel the same about me. What am I doing wrong?

Probably nothing. You’ve just not met the right one. It can take time to find that special person. The good news is that you’ve got qualities that attract people because you’ve had relationships in the past. Rather than dating and gauging whether everyone is ‘girlfriend material’, go out with friends and network without putting extra pressure on yourself. My support pack Shyness And Social Anxiety will help you to ensure you’re the best version of yourself when you have the opportunity to form new friendships which may lead to a relationship for you.

DEAR DEIDRE

My husband blamed me for his new escort habit and then walked out on his family

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26885944/husband-blamed-me-escort-habit/

I THOUGHT I was married to a hard-working family man, but then I discovered his high-end escort habit – and it changed everything. I first sensed all was not well when he was working away and our youngest started to run a high fever. He said he’d be on his own in his hotel room but didn’t pick up any of my multiple calls. I am 37 and my now-ex is 39. We were together for eight years and have two children, five and three. When he returned I asked him what happened. His answer that he was tired and had gone to sleep early didn’t add up. In the following days he became physically and emotionally distant. I was totally shut out and couldn’t work out why, so I checked his phone. There were several messages detailing meeting arrangements — all when he was “working away”. He even bought one escort expensive jewellery and handbags. When I tearfully confronted him he blamed me, saying I didn’t look after the house, or myself, well enough. With two small kids, I was a stay-at-home mum. Although we had a joint account, I was only allowed to buy things for the house or kids. If I needed anything for me, I had to ask, which I hated doing as he invariably said I didn’t need it. Despite his restrictions I thought I was well-presented. He told me he lost interest in me because I didn’t make an effort. I am so hurt and feel betrayed. He has now left us and is renting a swanky flat. No doubt he’s still seeing these beautiful women. I’ve wasted my 30s on him and I’m really struggling to move on.

What you describe is a horribly abusive relationship and while it will take you time to build up your confidence again, you are far better off without this controlling man. If he thought there were problems in your relationship, he should have talked to you, not gone behind your back. His treatment was emotionally and financially abusive. By blaming you he was trying to deflect attention from his bad behaviour. None of this is your fault. Please don’t think you’ve wasted your 30s. You have two lovely children who need you and you can rebuild your life and be happy again. My support packs on Abuse and Mending A Broken Heart will help you.

Presents

Spending on our family is a waste of our time and hard-earned money

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26900518/effort-everyones-birthday-never-returned/

My husband and I are feeling very unchristian at the moment because nobody makes any effort for our birthdays even though we buy both our families lovely presents. The Bible says it is better to give than receive but this has gone on so long that we’re feeling unappreciated. I’m a woman of 58 and my husband is 61. Every year we put a lot of effort into buying presents for our families for birthdays and Christmas but we get hardly anything in return. We spent £250 on our son for his birthday as he wanted money towards a new guitar. He bought me a pair of tights for my birthday and my husband some socks. We also buy for our five grandchildren. We both feel that spending so much on our family is a waste of our money, not to mention time. How should we tackle this?

Buying gifts for others can so easily get out of control. Find some time to talk to your family and suggest that you have a limit on spending for birthdays or Christmas and stick to the plan. Perhaps only buy for your grandchildren, which would make you feel more comfortable about the situation. They may appreciate the suggestion because everyone has busy lives. Book a day together when you can have a family meal, either in a pub or restaurant or at somebody’s home where you all bring a dish. You’ll find that time spent together is more valuable than any gift.

NOT SPECIAL

New lover has been sleeping around with other men too - but she denies it

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26885947/new-lover-is-sleeping-around/

IT turns out that the woman I’ve been dating is having sex with other men, too. I’m a man of 53 and I was widowed six years ago after my wife died from cancer. I had been on my own ever since until meeting this new woman when she moved in opposite to me. She is 48 and very bubbly and I was instantly attracted to her. We started dating. Then I began to get suspicious as she’d tell me lies about where she’d been and who she’d been with. She isn’t a good liar and she became angry if I questioned her. As much as I love her, I found out she has lots of male friends with benefits. She won’t talk about it and keeps telling me I’m mad. I’m hurt and don’t know what to do.

This woman was wrong to deceive you. While there is nothing wrong with having friends-with-benefits arrangements, it is only fair that you both enter the relationship being straight with each other. She obviously likes you but she’s been secretive about her other liaisons. Perhaps she feels insecure and is lacking in self-esteem, which explains why she seeks attention from so many sources. Let her know that casual relationships aren’t your style, and if these other guys mean more to her than your feelings, it would be best for you to end it with her.

FEELING LOST

I moved to new home away from family and friends - and now I'm miserable

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26885946/moved-new-town-now-alone/

WHEN I was evicted by my landlord I moved away from most of my friends and family – and now I’m miserable. Under pressure to find a new home I moved to a new town where my two best friends are. They convinced me I’d be happier here and my new flat is only a short walk away from them. I’m a 48-year-old single woman. My friends are in their early 50s. Unfortunately I fell out with one of them and the other is avoiding me. So now I’m in an unfamiliar town with absolutely no one. I know if I decide to move back it will cause more friction with my friends here. I only have my dog and two cats for company and I can’t leave them for long.

Moving can be hard and costly. It’s often the people around us that make a place a home. Before deciding to uproot again, could you give yourself a chance to make new friends? Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Inside David and Victoria Beckham's stunning new £60m Miami mansion Start a new hobby or join some local classes. Social media’s a great source of local information and most places have a Facebook group you can join to build up contacts. Explore your local area, you’ll soon find places that you like just as much, if not more. Voluntary work can be a great way to meet people. My support pack Widening Your Social Scene will help.

CAN'T PERFORM

I've met an amazing woman after wife died - but I struggle when we have sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26965722/struggling-sex-after-wife-death-grief/

WHEN my wife died I thought my life was over, but now I have met an amazing woman. After months of misery, she’s brought joy back into my life, and things couldn’t be any better – the only problem is every time we try to have sex I can’t perform. I’m 54 and I was married to my wife for more than 30 years. Our marriage was brilliant, so when I lost her to breast cancer 18 months ago, I was devastated. For months my grief consumed my life, and I struggled to get out of bed most days. Then, last September I met a kind and beautiful woman at work and we hit it off immediately. She’s 48. As we spent more time together I fell for her and everything was great until we tried to have sex and I couldn’t get an erection. While she was understanding, I’m too afraid to get intimate again. To make matters worse, when I told my family about her, it was clear that they all thought this was happening too soon.

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. I can only imagine how painful that must have been for you. While you’re mourning a massive loss, try to remember that there is no “right” time to start dating after grief. Only you will know when you’re ready. The guilt you feel for moving on is likely the cause of your erectile dysfunction. To rule out a physical cause please make an appointment to see your doctor. The best thing you can do is communicate with this new woman in your life about how you’re feeling and take things slowly. My support pack Coping With Bereavement should help.

SHE'S A BORE

I love my girlfriend with all of my heart but I've grown bored of our sex life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26965793/boring-sex-life-girlfriend/

I LOVE my girlfriend with all of my heart but I’ve grown bored of our vanilla sex life. All I want is to spice things up every now and again, but every time I try to talk to her about it she shuts me down. I’m 35, she’s 32 and we’ve been together for three years. Admittedly our sex life has never been very exciting, but I always believed it was something we could explore as our relationship grew. However, years later we’re doing the same old missionary position and never trying anything adventurous or spontaneous. At least before we used to engage in more kissing and foreplay but she’s even become reluctant to do that. Every time I try to speak to her about experimenting or trying new things she always closes down and avoids the conversation. I’m starting to feel bitter about our sex life and it’s beginning to affect our relationship.

The longer you both ignore this the worse it’ll get. Your feelings of frustration and resentfulness will grow, ultimately dooming your relationship. Find a moment to speak to her about how you are feeling. Tell her how much you fancy her and love being intimate with her, but that you want and need more. I’m sending you my support pack 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex to help spice things up.

SON'S SO SOUR

I love my teen son - but I don't like him very much due to his behaviour

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26874037/teenage-sons-bad-behaviour-awful-sulks/

I LOVE my son but it hurts me to admit I don’t like him very much. He’s 16 and his bad behaviour goes beyond teenage sulks. He is completely self-obsessed, is disrespectful and even destructive. Things have become so bad that I don’t even want him living with me any longer. I’m a 49-year-old single mum and have a seven-year-old daughter, too. We reached an all-time low when he demanded I cancel the holiday to Turkey I’ve booked for this summer. Instead, he would rather I give him the cash equivalent of the cost of taking him on holiday. He’s said that spending time with me and his sister is the last thing he wants to do and he’d rather spend the money going out with friends. I feel so depressed and deflated after saving up for over a year for this break. I was really hoping it might give us a chance to get back on a better footing. He says I’m a useless mum and ridicules me with nasty names. I love being a mother but his attitude makes me want to walk away.

You’re not alone. Teenagers have the knack of pushing our buttons. You don’t mention whether his dad is on the scene at all. If he isn’t involved, this may have affected your son more than you realise. If his dad isn’t around, it might help you to encourage him to have good male role models in his life, whether that is a sports coach, school mentor, another family member of yours. If there is a man you respect, talk to them and explain your challenges and ask them to help you. When things are calm between you, ask him how you can make his life better and tell him you want to be there for him. But you can’t help if he continues treating you so badly. Your son is on the cusp of becoming an adult so show him you want him to step up by involving him in decisions. My support pack Troubled Teenagers explains more and charity Family Lives (familylives.org.uk) will understand how to help.

AGE ANXIETIES

I'm 41 and my friends are saying that I'm too old to be having a baby

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26874095/friends-comments-too-old-having-baby/

MY wife and I are having a baby, but I’ve started to worry about our age. I’m 41, and my wife, who is four months pregnant, is 39. What started off as a happy time soon soured when I told my friends the news. They’ve said negative things like, “You’ll be the only grandad at school”. We’ve had fertility problems for years and were about to undergo a second round of IVF when we got lucky. But now I’m depressed. Are they right? Am I too old?

First of all, huge congratulations to you both. These comments from friends prove they aren’t friends at all. There are plenty of advantages to having children later on. One is that you are likely to have finished your partying days and are ready for the joys of family life. Please talk to your wife and if you continue to feel low make an appointment with your GP. My support pack Depression should also provide help.