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Dear Deidre

Husband lied about finishing his affair

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27950177/forgave-husband-affair/

Forgiving my husband for his sexual affair wasn’t easy but after months of rebuilding the trust I finally felt we were back on track - but I have discovered they never stopped having sex. He’d gone above and beyond to reassure me but the only thing that changed was I thought they had finished. I’m 38, my husband is 42 and we’ve been married for nine years. We have two daughters together, one is two and the other is five. He often worked late and at weekends so it took me almost a year to realise something was amiss. When I found out, he begged for forgiveness and promised he would end their relationship. While I believed him, I was completely heartbroken and asked for a temporary separation. For weeks he grovelled until one day I finally agreed to give our relationship another chance. Since then I thought we were working hard together to fix our marriage. Then out of nowhere, I received a phone call from this other woman. I was so shocked I nearly hung up but then she told me nothing had changed - they were still having sex regularly and he’d even told her we were separated. She even sent me screenshots of their text messages to prove it. I confronted him but he lied, saying they were just talking and I was the only one he wanted. Now I don’t know what to do and I’m struggling to see a way forward. The last thing I want is to break up our family but I can’t trust him.

You do deserve better treatment than this. While many relationships can overcome infidelity, your husband has shown multiple times that he cannot be trusted. Worryingly he is still lying despite concrete evidence that has betrayed you again. Unless he is willing to be honest, there is no way you will be able to heal from this affair. If he is willing to tell the truth, he then also needs to show real regret for his behaviour and dedication to convincing you he loves you and wants to turn things around. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you think it all through. Either together, or alone, some counselling would help you You can find support through tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960). If you do decide to end your relationship, my support pack Thinking Of Divorce will help you pick up the pieces.

Quickie

My boyfriend says he's hopeless at sex; now he's avoiding it completely

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27950180/boyfriend-hopeless-sex-avoiding-it/

Sex with my boyfriend is over in a flash, and I can tell it’s starting to get him down. I’m 25, he’s 26 and we’ve been together for six months. While we’ve gone from strength to strength since we met, intimacy between us has always been problematic. At first, I assumed it was because of nerves, but months later he still can’t last more than a few minutes. We’ve tried countless things to help, from taking it slow to masturbating before sex, but he still struggles. He does his best to please me in other ways, and while I’m always satisfied, it's clear that he’s still embarrassed by it. He keeps apologising and saying he is hopeless at sex, though I do my best to reassure him he has now started to avoid it all together. We’re running out of options and I’m scared he’ll start to push me away. Is there anything we can do? I just want to feel close to him again.

Reaching orgasm too quickly - or premature ejaculation - is common, especially in young men. It’s a psychological issue, rather than a physical one. Annoyingly, the more he gets in his head and worries about it, the more it’s likely to happen. The way to overcome this is if he tries to let go and take the pressure off himself. Instead of making sex the end goal instead, focus on things like kissing and caressing. My support pack, Want To Last Longer? offers more practical advice.

Casual fling

Am I a bad person for wanting a casual relationship

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27883728/bad-person-casual-relationship/

Does it make me a bad person that I want to find a friend just to have a bit of fun with? I don’t want to get a reputation for myself but lots of people have friends-with-benefits arrangements. I’m a woman of 41 and I divorced three years ago. I don’t miss my husband but I really miss the sex. He was a great lover. I’ve tried dating sites but I haven’t had much luck. A younger man of 25 has agreed to meet me but he doesn’t want a relationship. He says he wants to have sex with me. I’ve said yes but I am nervous – I’ve never done anything like this before. Am I going to be at risk by putting myself out there?

If you want to start a commitment-free sexual relationship then that is entirely your business. But it is important to stay safe. Before you agree to meet anyone, video call them and check their social media profiles to check they are legitimate. Also, meet in a public place first so if you don’t get a good vibe you can leave. And make sure you tell someone you trust where you will be. But if you do want a relationship, hang on for that. Many singletons find dating apps hopeless, so try networking with friends and push yourself gently to join new groups. My support pack Love Online has more advice.

ASHAMED AND WORRIED

I found disturbing pictures of my daughter on my son's phone

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27869737/disturbing-pictures-daughter-son-phone/

I FOUND disturbing pictures when I went through my 15-year-old son’s phone. He has taken pictures of a girl aged around 12 who was bending forward on the edge of a swimming pool, before diving in. He had zoomed in on her bottom. I discovered he had also done something similar to his 17-year-old sister when we were on holiday – he took photos of her on the beach, zooming in on all parts of her body including her breasts, bottom and privates. I am his 48-year-old dad. I asked him why he did this but he couldn’t really answer. He was in tears and very upset, but all I got back from him was that he didn’t know. My wife and I brought him up to respect women. Why has he done something so wrong? Does he need help? I cannot talk to anyone in the family about this. I feel so ashamed. My daughter knows about the pictures and I feel so sad for her knowing her brother did this.

Yes. Your son needs help. His reaction suggests he’s very confused but also, reassuringly, knows his actions were wrong. Many young people are exposed to sexualised social media and desensitising porn very early, which could contribute to this behaviour. Explain how worried you are about him and that taking, possessing or sharing sexualised images of any person under the age of 18 is a criminal offence. It’s good you are talking, keep the dialogue going. We need to be open with our children about healthy sexual relationships, otherwise they learn from pornographers. Discuss the unreal way women are often depicted in films and reiterate that is not real life. Talk in confidence to stopitnow.org.uk (0808 1000 900) who will understand the issues and be able to advise what help is available to your son.

JUST PALS

I want to get close to a woman but only want friendship after two divorces

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27856908/only-want-friendship-after-two-divorces/

GETTING physical and being loved up doesn’t interest me but I would like to find a female friend. I’m in my sixties and have been divorced twice, and a relationship is not what I want. But I’m lonely and would love a female companion to go to the cinema or share a meal with. I’ve tried going on dating sites and matched with a nice woman. I was open and frank about what I wanted and we seemed to be on the same page. But when it came to the day of meeting up, she said she wanted more, and so I cancelled. What other avenues can I try to find a friendship?

If you want to meet the right person, online dating sites are not always the best places. I would suggest looking around for local clubs that have mixed memberships. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested MasterChef winner shuts Michelin-star restaurant & sends message to fans Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Would you consider volunteering? This is also a great way to meet interesting people. Have a look at meetup.com, which lists social events and clubs in your area. My support pack Widening Your Social Scene will also help.

SECOND BEST

I love sex with my partner but he is more interested in metal detecting hobby

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27856912/partner-more-interested-metal-detecting-hobby/

WE have incredible sex but my partner makes it clear that metal detecting, his friends, job and love of horse racing will always all come before me. We’re in our early forties and have been together for more than ten years. Sex with him is by far the best I’ve ever had and he’s so attentive when we’re in bed together, but as soon as the intimacy is over he makes me feel invisible. He is obsessed with metal detecting and spends hours researching the latest finds, detectors and new areas to search. Then there are his other interests which take over as soon as sex is finished. He hardly looks at me, talks to me, or listens to me unless we are in the throes of passion. Whenever I’ve tried to explain how this upsets me, he bluntly states that he will never change and that I’m crazy, or overthinking things. I love him but being with him makes me feel lonely. I don’t want to waste any more time on a relationship with someone who believes I’m the issue rather than take responsibility. The sex is amazing and I don’t feel attracted to anyone else, but I don’t know if I can continue this relationship.

It sounds as if he is emotionally stunted. He can’t accept he’s doing anything wrong, so blames you. Because you experience an incredible connection in those passionate moments, you are holding on to the belief that he will change and show that level of attention to you outside the bedroom. Try to find a calm time when he isn’t distracted by one of his hobbies, and explain how his behaviour affects you. If he refuses to even acknowledge the situation or consider any changes, you’d do well to think about moving on. Don’t confuse sexual chemistry or lust with real love. This man throws you crumbs of sexual attention when it suits him. Unless he agrees to some compromises – for example regular meals where you catch up, talk and listen to one another – it’d be good to see this for what it is, just convenient booty calls. My support pack Love Or Lust? will help you.

Dear Deidre

My husband's fantasy has driven him into the arms of not one but two women

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27812974/husbands-fantasy-arms-two-women/

After months of asking me for a threesome, my husband’s fixation with it has driven him into the arms of two other women. I’m 38 and he’s 42. We’ve got two kids, aged seven and five, and have been married for 11 years. Until now we always had a good sex life, so I can’t understand why it’s not enough for him any more. While we enjoyed exploring in the bedroom together, we never did anything extreme. But over the last few months his interests have changed and one day he asked me directly if I’d give a threesome a go with him. From the start I was apprehensive. However, as I loved and trusted him, I agreed to try it. But it was awkward and unsettling. After that I refused another go, and I thought he would be OK with that. He tried to seem supportive but kept pestering for another threesome. Then he started asking if I would try anal with him. Once again I turned him down. I’d tried it before with an ex and found it excruciating. This time he couldn’t hide his disappointment and while I did my best to satisfy him in other ways, it never felt like enough. Eventually, he started avoiding sex altogether and I could sense something was amiss. I tried to ignore it until one day my anxiety took over and I found myself searching through his phone. Almost instantly my suspicions were confirmed and I found hundreds of filthy text messages he’d exchanged with two other women. When I confronted him he didn’t even apologise and instead told me that I gave him no choice. These two women had indulged both his fantasies and now I don’t know where to go from here.

He has betrayed you massively and there is no excuse for it. Cheating on you because he is not getting the sex he wants is an emotionally stunted response. Unless he is willing to take responsibility for his actions and respect your boundaries, then this relationship has no future. If you both want to work this out, rebuilding trust won’t happen overnight. Some couple’s counselling will be essential, which you can arrange at tavistockrelationships.org. But if he won’t apologise or respect your wishes, then counselling would help you work through how to move on from this damaging relationship.

Cash up

My son is spending the money he owes me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27836971/son-spending-money-he-owes-me/

My son owes me thousands of pounds and shows no sign of paying it back. I have no idea how to approach this with him. I feel resentful and angry, but don’t want to ruin our relationship. I’m 58 and he’s 28. Three years ago, he asked to borrow £2,000 for a deposit on a flat he started renting. As his dad, I was happy to help, even though his mum and I aren’t well-off. We’ve worked hard for our savings. I assumed he would pay me back, as he promised. But a year went by and there was no sign of our money. Then he moved to another flat, and he still didn’t give it back. Meanwhile, he goes away for weekends and buys himself technical equipment. I’ve never been good at talking about my feelings, which I know isn’t healthy. Also, I hate confrontation, as I get so angry. I keep wanting to ask him where my cash is, but in the end, I can’t start the conversation,I fear he doesn’t have the funds saved to pay me back, anyway. What should I do?

Watching your son enjoy his life and spend money that he owes you, while you seethe internally, must be incredibly frustrating. I understand your fears about confrontation, but you must approach him, or nothing will change. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you be assertive without making him defensive. Make it clear it’s time to pay back what he owes. Suggest he sets up a payment plan and pays you back in small instalments.

Phone addiction

Doom scrolling is ruining my sex life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27812984/doom-scrolling-is-ruining-my-sex-life/

I believe the reason my husband has lost interest in sex is because he is constantly doom scrolling – spending excessive time reading news on his phone which is making him sad, anxious and angry. I am 41 and he is 43. We have been married for nine years and have a five-year-old son. My husband is worried about what is happening in Ukraine and also follows the news in Israel and Gaza. He watches all the bulletins and always has his head in his phone. His behaviour seems to have come out of nowhere. I have tried to talk to him about the lack of sex but he says he has to keep on top of what is happening in the world. He obsesses about how dangerous Russia, China and Iran are. Usually, he is very romantic and affectionate and we used to have sex a couple of times a week. I miss it and want it back but I am at a loss as to what to do.

It’s so normal to spend time looking at our phones these days that it can be hard to realise when it’s become a problem. We live in unpredictable times but constantly scrolling through the news can make us more anxious and fearful. It’s a mindless activity and is preventing him from giving you attention. Ask him to limit checking the news to specific times, perhaps twice a day, and to turn off notifications. My support pack Saving Your Sex Life will help you.

Teenage woes

Why did my girlfriend suddenly break up with me?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27836972/why-girlfriend-break-up/

The sudden end of my first relationship has left me reeling. Last month, my girlfriend changed her mind about being with me, and I don’t understand why. I’m 19 and she’s 18. We were together for 18 months. I was so happy with her. She was my best friend and told me she loved me too. I don’t understand why her feelings have changed. She said it’s not me, it’s her, but she can’t explain why. She won’t even speak to me any more. I miss her so much.

The end of your first serious relationship can feel devastating, especially when you didn’t see it coming. Sadly, only she can tell you why her feelings changed and it sounds like she doesn’t understand it herself. Perhaps there were signs you didn’t notice. The important thing now is to try to heal and move on. My support pack, Mending A Broken Heart, should help.

Dear Deidre

First love got better in bed and with age, I am on the brink of leaving wife

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27789503/reuniting-first-love-reconsider-everything/

Reuniting with my first love and having an affair with her has shown me how unhappily married I am. I want to leave my wife, but we have two young children. What should I do? I’m 38 and my wife of 11 years is 39. A few months ago, on social media, I happened across the woman who was my first serious girlfriend. We dated for three years as teenagers, only breaking up when we went to different universities. She was my first everything and the woman I lost my virginity to. Our relationship was intense and passionate, and I have often thought about her over the years. Chatting again made me remember how well-suited we were, and revealed how stale my marriage has become. My wife and I don’t have sex, and have nothing to say to each other any more. When my first love and I eventually met again, it was as if we had never been apart. Sparks flew, and after a few drinks, we ended up in bed. It was incredible. Since then, we have often met in secret, having sex in hotels. We message all day. She is separated and says she wants me to move in with her. That is all I can think about. The problem is, my kids are only seven and five. If I leave it will devastate them. My wife is the type who will try to take everything to punish me. I know this because she encouraged a divorcing friend of hers to take her husband to the cleaners. But I can’t stay in my miserable marriage and risk losing my first love again.

They say nobody forgets their first love because it is a uniquely intense relationship. You are caught up in a haze of nostalgia and reignited passion, which almost certainly won’t last. On the other hand, you are clearly unhappy, and have been for a long time. Ask yourself whether, if your first love hadn’t reappeared, you would be contemplating leaving your wife. Also think about whether you are using your lover as a diversion, rather than trying to repair your marriage. Children don’t thrive in unhappy relationships, as my support pack, When Parents Fall Out, explains. You can still be a good dad if you divorce. Fear of your wife’s anger, or losing money, is not a good reason to stay. Contact tavistockrelationships.org and talk this through with a counsellor.

Dear Deidre

My wife's doctor's letter revealed she'd cheated on me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27836968/wifes-doctors-letter-cheated/

When I found a doctor’s letter saying my wife had suffered from an STI, I realised she’d had sex with someone else. Now I finally understand why we haven’t been physically ­intimate in a decade, and I am devastated. We’ve been married for 23 years. I’m 49, she’s 48, and we have two adult children. Our relationship was ­wonderful at first, but after the kids came along things changed and we became more distant — which I assumed was not ­unusual. But just more than 10 years ago, she went to Prague on a hen weekend with some of her close girlfriends. After she returned, our relationship deteriorated further. She stopped all affection and our reasonably regular sex life suddenly stopped entirely. She made excuse after excuse, saying she was tired or had “women’s problems”. Eventually, I gave up even trying, and moved into the spare room. Since then, I’ve been ­miserable but resigned to living more like brother and sister than husband and wife. Last month, she had to go into hospital for a procedure and I asked to see the discharge letter, so I could help with her recovery. To my horror, it said she had herpes simplex virus. I know that’s a sexually-transmitted infection. Suddenly, I realised exactly why she had stopped all intimacy 10 years ago. She must have caught this STI from another man on her weekend away. She has always denied ever being unfaithful. I know if I ask her about this she won’t be honest. I can’t talk to anyone and I don’t know what to do. Worrying about this is making me sick with anxiety.

Try not to jump to conclusions. You can’t be sure your wife cheated. The herpes simplex virus can cause cold sores as well as genital sores, and it can lie dormant for many years – meaning your wife might even have had it before you met. For more information, see the Herpes Viruses Association website, herpes.org.uk. What’s clear is you are very unhappy in your marriage, and have been for many years. You need to address this with your wife.If you still love each other, you need to be honest, and get help to repair your relationship. I recommend couples counselling. Try tavistockrelationships.org.uk. It would help you to talk to a counsellor alone, as well as with your wife – if she agrees.

Thank you

You helped me when I had a nervous breakdown

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27836974/helped-me-nervous-breakdown/

Family responsibility led me to the brink of a nervous breakdown. I felt as if all the pressure was on my shoulders, and I had nobody to turn to. I’m 45, with difficult teenage children and elderly parents, both of whom have dementia. Caring for them all is hard enough, but then there was a flood in my home and, in the same week, my boiler broke. I was so anxious I couldn’t sleep. I just wanted to run away and let someone else deal with everything. You were so understanding. You sent me your Help For Carers infor­mation pack, which listed sources of ­support – practical and emotional – both for me and my parents. And you told me I needed to talk to someone, rather than taking all the burden on myself. I was surprised and touched when, a few weeks later, you wrote back to me asking how I was coping. Thanks to your advice, professional carers started coming to help look after my parents. Things are still tough, but your help stopped me falling apart.I’m so grateful.

I’m glad the pressure has eased. But if you feel you can’t cope, do talk to your GP.

Guilty verdict

Terrified my ex-husband is going to drink himself to death

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27789504/ex-husband-drink-death/

Leaving my ex-husband was the right thing to do, but I’m consumed by guilt. The end of our marriage has devastated him, and I fear he is going to drink himself to death. I’m 41 and he’s 48. We were married for 13 years but didn’t have children. Our marriage wasn’t unhappy but I became dissatisfied and distant. When I fell for another man, who is 43, at work, I knew I had to end my marriage. I thought my husband realised we had grown apart. But when I told him I had met someone else and wanted a divorce, he appeared blindsided. Since then, he has fallen apart. He became depressed and started drinking every night. I finally left eight months ago to move in with my new partner. I hoped my ex-husband would start to move on with his life, but he seems to have got worse. He won’t talk to anybody, not family or friends. Obviously, he won’t talk to me, as I’m the reason for his misery. I still care about him and feel terrible. I lie awake at night, thinking about how much I’ve hurt him, and feeling terrible. What can I do?

It’s distressing to watch someone you care about fall apart, especially when you feel responsible for their pain. But you didn’t deliberately hurt him. You did what was right for you and, ultimately, for him. Staying married would have made you both unhappy long term. He was clearly unable, or unwilling, to see things weren’t right between you, just as he now isn’t able to deal with his feelings. Ask a friend or family member to contact him and encourage him to get some counselling. My support pack about this will help, as will Problem Drinker. Also read Feeling Guilty, which may help you to cope with your feelings.

YOUNG LOVE

Worried my 14-year-old is having sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27789506/14-year-old-too-young-sex/

I am worried that my 14-year-old daughter is about to start having sex. She has a boyfriend the same age, and tells me she’s madly in love.I think she’s too young. As her 50-year-old dad, I’m terrified she is going to get her heart broken or, worse, get pregnant. I’ve tried talking to her about this, but she says I don’t understand. She claims all her friends have boyfriends. When I attempt to bring up the topic of sex, the conversation becomes too embarrassing for both of us. My wife says I’m being overprotective. She says our daughter is sensible and I should remember what it was like to be a teenager. The problem is, I do. I know exactly what teenage boys are like!

It’s natural to want to protect your daughter and make sure she doesn’t come to any harm. But your wife is right, you need to let her grow up. Stopping her from seeing her boyfriend will only mean she does it secretly. Show her you’re concerned but supportive. She and her boyfriend are both under the age of consent. You don’t know they’re having sex yet. Perhaps she could have the “embarrassing chat” with her mum, who can give her my support pack on underage sex and make sure she understands consent and contraception. For guidance, contact familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222).

Heartbroken

I can't afford the rent, but I don't want to give away my furbabies

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27883723/im-going-to-have-to-give-up-my-cats/

Now my partner has left, I can’t afford the rent – and as I can’t find another flat that allows pets, I’m probably going to have to give up my cats. I’m heartbroken. My partner moved in with me after my husband left. I’m 52. My husband worked abroad so we had difficulty reconnecting when he’d come back. We’d argue about things and finally he moved back to his mother’s and left me paying the rent. My partner is 35 and we got together when he fitted some new door locks. We clicked and a few weeks later, he moved in – and thank goodness he did. I couldn’t really afford to live there alone. But things haven’t lasted. His friends are getting married and having kids and that’s what he wants – something I can’t give him. He’s left now and I’m alone again. I’d like a new relationship but it isn’t easy at my age. My cats are both rescues and they are old so are as good as gold. My landlord is happy I have my cats. He says they keep the mice away. Unfortunately, other landlords are not as accommodating and I’m so upset that I may have to give them up.

Talk to your landlord about your difficulties and ask whether they would agree to you letting a room out to a lodger. If this isn’t feasible or is not something you wish to do, you may still be able to find an alternative place to rent which takes cats. Consider moving to a cheaper area or renting a smaller place. Cats can adapt well to new surroundings. Check out The Dogs Trust, it has a letswithpets.org.uk site full of advice on how to find a pet-friendly property. My support pack about widening your social scene may help you to find a new relationship when you’re ready.

DEAR DEIDRE

My fella had group sex with a woman and says he has fallen in love with her

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27856915/fella-had-group-sex-with-woman/

MY boyfriend of five years ghosted me and then boasted he had fallen for a woman he had been having group sex with. I know I should be able to walk away from him but we have so much history and a part of me feels like I brought all this on myself. We are in our early thirties and four years ago when we were going through a bad patch I stupidly had a one-night stand with a colleague. As soon as the drunken sex was over, I regretted it. Feeling guilty, I admitted everything to my boyfriend — and even though I later learned I was pregnant as a result of cheating, he stood by me. I felt so lucky that he was willing to accept my baby. We lived separately but every weekend he would come to stay with me and we would spend time as a family. A few months ago, though, he didn’t arrive on Friday as he normally did. When I tried to contact him I found he had blocked me on every platform. After a week, I went to his flat and, though I’m sure he was in, he didn’t answer the door. It was such a stressful time and I felt sick not knowing what was going on. Eventually, after a month, he turned up and admitted he had had group sex with four other men and women. He said he was sorry but didn’t know how to tell me. I was devastated but prepared to take him back but that’s when the real kicker came — he told me he had started a relationship with one of the women involved. I’m struggling to cope and find it hard dropping off my son at his house, but think it’s important they maintain a relationship. I miss him and don’t know how to move on.

I’m so sorry your relationship has come to an end but it won’t help anyone if you blame his infidelity on yourself. You both had your part to play in this break-up. Your ex is no victim – just as your cheating was not OK, neither was his. It is sad but it seems that when either of you were unhappy, rather than focus on each other, you both distracted yourselves by getting attention elsewhere. You are clearly a considerate mum, making sure your son has consistency with your ex. But do check in with yourself and make sure you aren’t encouraging this relationship between them to keep your own going. Try talking to familylives.org, who can guide you about what is best for your son. You should also read my support pack Mend Your Broken Heart, which includes helpful information about moving on.

Left out

My family has abandoned me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27812985/my-family-has-abandoned-me/

My family has always been my rock, but lately I’ve been feeling neglected and alone. All I want is the odd phone call or visit. But my children are so caught up in their own lives that they have forgotten about me. I’m 64 and a widower. I have two sons and a daughter and I used to love being part of our close-knit family. We were always in contact and used to do things together all the time. Now they’ve all moved away and started families of their own and I feel like I’ve been left behind. Every time I try to ring them I rarely get an answer and even when I do they never have time to talk to me. I try to keep busy and have friends my age. But I can’t help but feel their absence. I just wish everything could stay the same as it used to be.

Sadly in today’s busy world, it is so easy for children to get caught up and neglect their aged parents, not because they want to but because there are so many demands on them. If you want more contact, you need to tell them. The chances are they might not even realise how you’ve been feeling. Perhaps you can schedule regular calls and visits so that you can have something to look forward to. It would also be beneficial if you joined clubs or activities that interest you. My support pack on loneliness should help.

Dear Deidre

My husband says his virtual affair doesn't count as cheating

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27767981/husband-virtual-affair-doesnt-count/

My husband has blamed his affair with a former work colleague on being made redundant and says that virtual sex doesn’t count as a proper affair. I don’t agree and the way he’s treated me has made me feel worthless, but the other problem is I don’t even believe him. He’s cheated on me before but until I had concrete evidence he wouldn’t admit to a thing. He has been pushing me away over the last few months, looking at me as though he doesn’t even like me, let alone love me. I’m 41 and my husband’s 44. We’ve been married for 10 years and have a six-year-old daughter. I had that horrible familiar feeling his attention was elsewhere, but it was only after this woman’s husband turned up on our doorstep making accusations that he admitted he was ‘fond of her, but doesn’t think he is in love with her’. My husband promised me and this man that all they had done was send each other a few ‘naughty texts’. After he left my husband admitted they’d had virtual sex, still he insisted they never went as far as having physical sex. But I’ve seen from text messages that they have spent time together and he’s driven her in his truck. I feel like this other woman is actually just a distraction – a bit of escapism. He was made redundant ten months ago and his brother died recently. He’s struggling to find a purpose. He is spiralling down. It’s starting to affect me and I’m feeling helpless and lost. I am struggling to eat and sleep.

Even if this was simply a “virtual” affair, it can be just as painful as a sexual one. I understand that you want the truth – but unless he’s willing to talk, you may never know why this happened. Your husband has suffered many losses and, like many men, this can result in them turning to someone else, because it feels easier for them to distance themselves from those close to them. Would you consider going to couple counselling? If you could both learn why his betrayal happened, there’s a chance you could save your marriage and even strengthen it. You would both probably find it helpful to talk to someone sympathetic outside your situation. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains more. See your GP if you both continue to be depressed.

Mourning

How do I help my grieving girlfriend?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27812978/how-do-i-help-my-grieving-girlfriend/

Since my girlfriend lost her mum, she’s been keeping me at arm’s length. I’ve tried everything I can to support her but it’s as if she doesn’t believe that I care. She’s 45, I’m 52 and we’ve been together a year. From the moment we met we’ve been inseparable. Even at my age, I fell hard for her and was so excited as we were starting our future together. But when her mother died suddenly in a car crash, everything changed. The bubbly, bright woman I had fallen in love with became a shell of herself. She was so close to her mum and it broke me seeing her in so much pain. Since then things have been strained between us. I’ve tried my hardest to help her through this, but it’s as if she’s doing everything she can to distance herself from me. Every time I call or text her it takes her days to get back to me, and even when we’re together she barely engages. I’ve tried my best to be patient with her but it’s been months and we feel so far apart. Just last week she said that she didn’t know if she even wanted to be in a relationship. I’m at a loss for what to do. Where to go from here?

When a loved one dies it can be exhausting and emotionally draining. It’s likely your partner has only just started to accept her mum is no longer here, which is perhaps why she is pushing you away. The best thing you can do is give her the space she’s asked for, but let her know you want to be with her when she’s ready. My support pack Coping With Bereavement contains lots of information and resources. Try to decide how long you are willing to wait – and if she still isn’t ready by then, let her know you need to start moving on.

SHUT OUT

We have been pushed out of grandchild's life by our daughter's new partner

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27856911/pushed-out-of-grandchilds-life/

WE are so worried about our daughter and grandchild and want to know how we can help them. Our new son-in-law has told us his mum and dad are the little girl’s only grandparents now. My husband and I are in our sixties, my daughter is in her thirties and we have a gorgeous three-year-old granddaughter. A few years ago, my daughter split from her other half but seemed to be piecing her life together again. My husband and I often looked after our granddaughter while she worked. It was tiring but I loved being so involved. But then my daughter met her current partner and things began to change. My husband and I have been pushed out, despite welcoming our daughter’s partner into our lives. Things have really deteriorated since they moved further away from us. Our new son-in-law constantly comes up with reasons to block us from calling in. So we decided to make an unannounced visit but when we got to the frontdoor my daughter’s partner threatened my husband, saying we would never see our grandchild again. My daughter has taken friends and family off her social media and blocked our numbers. No one can get hold of her. What can we do to resolve this awful situation?

This is extremely distressing for you. From your position, you are assuming that your daughter is being controlled. However, you cannot know this is happening for sure. Rather than tell her what to do, which may well push her away, let her know you are worried about her but will always support her. She is an adult and will want to make her own decisions. All you can do is be there for her, and be ready to pick up the pieces later. I would recommend you contact grandparentsapart.co.uk. It is an organisation that helps grandparents keep in touch with their grandchildren. If your daughter does ask for some help, she can contact The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (national dahelpline.org.uk, 0808 2000 247).

Porn addiction

My husband’s porn type is nothing like me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27789509/husbands-secret-unattractive/

Since I discovered that my husband pleasures himself while watching porn, I have felt so unattractive. He does it whenever he gets the chance – even when I’m in the next room. We have been married for 15 years and have three children. I’m 45 and he is 47. Over the last few years, he has grown distant and gone off sex. I knew he wasn’t having an affair – he works from home and doesn’t go out in the evenings – so I suspected he must be watching porn. When I got hold of his laptop, I found reams of porn sites in its history, going back years. He watched them when he claimed to be working. He has a type – women who look nothing like me and who do extreme sexual acts. That makes me feel he was never attracted to me at all. I love him but I feel desperately unhappy.

It sounds like your husband is addicted to porn. It is this, not your attractiveness, that has put him off sex. My support pack, Internet Pornography Worry, explains more.His problem is not only affecting your marriage but also your self-esteem. Tell him how you feel and ask him to seek help. Speak to the Laurel Centre (thelaurelcentre.co.uk, 01926 339 594) which offers sex and porn addiction therapy, online and in person. Also look at pivotalrecovery.org, an online programme that can help him quit.

Fantasy

My husband would have had an affair - if it weren't for her rejection

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27752599/my-husbands-text-revealed-his-true-colours/

If my husband had his wish, he would be in the middle of a full-blown affair. Luckily for me, the object of his desires was his colleague, who is happily ­married and rejected him. My husband is 38 and works in a supermarket. We’ve been married for nine years and I’m 37. We have two little boys. I thought everything was great between us until my husband became secretive with his phone. It never left his side until one day when he went to take his mum to a hospital appointment, he left it at home and I looked at his messages. He had been texting this colleague, practically pestering her to see him. He even sent some explicit photos of himself – he’s such an idiot. This woman was unimpressed and told him where to go. When he got home, I called him out on what I’d found and he was full of remorse. He has told me there is nothing going on. He says he would never have jeopardised our ­marriage, or hurt me or the boys. Although he is trying to make it up to me, the trust has gone. It makes me question everything about our lives and whether he wants to be with me at all.

He’s lucky this colleague didn’t report him. Sending unsolicited explicit pictures is now a criminal offence. Of course you feel hurt and betrayed. He’s had a crisis averted because you caught him out. He could be looking at a different future if you took the stance that your marriage was over. You’re still with him, which shows your commitment. Now he will have to work extra-hard to prove he can be faithful and to regain your trust. Anything less than 100 per cent and you would be wise to seriously consider walking away. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains how to work out whether your relationship is salvageable and how to put it back together again, if you decide you want to.

SECOND FIDDLE

I wish husband would prioritise me sometimes but his daughter needs him more

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27740223/husband-daughter-priority/

IF my husband’s daughter demands his time and attention, he cancels our plans at the drop of a hat. This is driving me crazy, and I wish he would occasionally make me a priority. I am 41 and my husband is 42. We are both divorced and have been together for eight years, married for three. My husband has a ten-year-old daughter. She is the apple of his eye and she knows it. We often have to cancel our plans because she will message asking if she can visit. I have cancelled weekend city breaks, festivals and concerts to accommodate her, usually losing money in the process. We have his daughter every weekend and most of the school holidays, so it isn’t as if they don’t see each other. I have a good relationship with her and don’t begrudge her being here but there is a limit. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Major beer brand placed into administration & staff 'made redundant' Am I wrong for wanting to be a priority sometimes?

No. While he comes as a package complete with his daughter, there are times when you should come first. Tell him how hurt you are when he cancels your plans. Say that you know he is a good father but once in a while would like to feel valued. He may feel guilty about splitting up with his daughter’s mum and compensates by dropping everything for her. My support pack on step-families explains more.

Step family

My partner's son is pushing us to a breaking point

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27752601/partners-son-pushing-us-breaking-point/

My partner’s son is chipping away at my relationship with his mum and it’s pushing us to breaking point. He has been living with us since last summer, when his mother was granted custody of him. He is 11 and was neglected while living with his father. We are both 42. Since then I’ve put up with so much. He has stolen money from me. Despite his denials, I know it was him. I work shifts and buy food that will be quick to cook when I get in, but every time I go to the fridge he’s taken the lot. So I have resorted to putting a lock on the fridge. He can eat like he hasn’t had a meal in days and is rude and disrespectful. Yesterday he took my bike without asking and scratched the frame. While I would take away his Xbox or phone as punishment, my partner won’t hear of it. She gives in to him all the time. I’m at the end of my rope.

It’s not down to you to discipline him but your partner is feeling guilty about his unsettled childhood. He is pushing boundaries like most children do. Don’t be too hard on him. Remember he has been uprooted from living with his father and now he is finding out what he can get away with with you. Padlocking the fridge may be a bit extreme but talk to him about what you expect and set some boundaries. Tell him taking things without permission is unacceptable and that includes food. My support pack Stepfamily Problems will help.

NEW EXPERIENCE

My boyfriend wants to experiment in bed but I am worried about doing it

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27869734/boyfriend-wants-try-anal-sex/

WHEN my boyfriend suggested experimenting with sex I told him I was open to it, but now he says he wants me to try anal and I’m feeling apprehensive. The last thing I want is to look stuck in my ways but I’m worried about the pain. I’m 24, he’s 25 and we have been together for two years. Before we met I had only ever slept with one other man and so I had very limited sexual experience. My boyfriend on the other hand had always been quite adventurous, but he made sure to take things slow. However, I was excited by the prospect of spicing things up until he brought up anal sex. While he would never force me to do anything, I want to be open to new experiences. He said he would take care and that I would probably find that I eventually enjoy it but the idea of it is scaring me. What if I can’t deal with the pain?

If you don’t want to do something sexually, you don’t have to. There are other ways to spice up your sex life. My support pack 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex can help with this. But if you do want to try, make sure that you are relaxed and take things slowly. Using a water-based lubricant is essential as oil damages condoms. Be gentle as the tissues surrounding the rectum are not elastic or designed for penetration like a vagina.

BLOWING IT

My wife spends all of my money and refuses to get a job - we need it for bills

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27724709/my-wife-spends-all-of-my-money/

MY wife won’t lift a finger but is happy to spend all my hard-earned money. I’m 44, she is 43 and our children are 13 and 11. She refuses to get a job, while I work 14 hours a day with travel on top and often work at the weekends. I’m exhausted and feel like I never see our children. She spends my money eating out most evenings with her friends and also with our kids. I once asked her to get a part-time job to help with the financial pressure and she accused me of abusing her. I can’t keep going on like this, struggling to pay the bills. What should I do?

It is no wonder you are worried and feel unsupported – your wife is spending recklessly. You need to pick a moment when you can talk to her again and explain exactly how you are feeling. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Major beer brand placed into administration & staff 'made redundant' My support pack Looking After Your Relationship will help you improve your communication and a separate one, Family Finances, can help with money issues.

Disowned

I've had enough of my Dad's lies

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27767983/ive-had-enough-of-my-dads-lies/

My dad tells so many lies it’s unreal. He wants everyone to feel sorry for him but I have finally had enough and completely disowned him. But even though he is really nasty, I still feel bad for cutting him off and wonder what he’ll be saying about me. I’m his 45-year-old son. My dad’s 68. He divorced my mum years ago but still accuses my mum of poisoning me against him. It is not true. He has been bombarding my wife with messages about the past, something he should just leave alone. He says horrible things about my mum which are inappropriate - like she was mental and unstable. The truth is I think she had depression while she was with him because he treated her so badly. He can’t stop boasting about his life now. He has a new partner but she stirs up family issues the whole time - trying to turn one relative against another. Recently she’s been in dad’s ear telling him we don’t respect him in the same way we respect my mum. She even kicked off recently that my mum visited the hospital before my dad when my son was delivered early. He isn’t the father I need him to be, talking at me and lecturing me. He constantly interrupts people to talk about himself. He never showed any interest in me or my little family. It's extremely hurtful.

It’s painful to know your dad is bad mouthing you and your mum. No matter what you say or do, he’s not going to change. Divorce can leave those involved feeling hostile and resentful. It’s not uncommon for one of the injured parties to lie about their ex. The relationship is toxic, and it’s not surprising you’ve disowned him. Talking to a therapist could help and my support pack on counselling explains more about how it works. Also contact Stand Alone which supports adults estranged from family members (www.standalone.org.uk).

Debt

My shopping addiction is ruining my life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27836970/shopping-addiction-ruining-life/

I have a shopping addiction and I hate myself for lying to my husband about it. My mother knows and she’s making it worse by telling me to keep it secret. How can I get over this and be honest with him before it ruins our relationship? I’m 36 and he’s 40. We’ve been married for nine years. Spending money gives me a short-term buzz, but afterwards I feel sick with guilt. I’m now in lots of debt and my husband has no idea. I find it hard to go into a shop without treating myself to something – clothes, jewellery, nicknacks. I’ll convince myself that if I can just buy whatever it is I’ve seen that day, it’ll make me happy, and I’ll never do it again. But, of course, that’s never the case. I’ve maxed out all my credit cards, then taken out loans to pay them off. However, instead of cutting up the cards, I’m racking up more debt. Making the minimum repayments is a struggle, making me more stressed. That just leads me to try to cheer myself up by going shopping again. I confessed to my mother, who also has a shopping habit, and she said my husband wouldn’t understand. She has taken me out and bought me things to cheer me up. I know she means well, but it isn’t helping.

Compulsive shopping is often a way to escape negative feelings. It gives you a an adrenaline rush, akin to taking a drug. If you want to stop, you need to get to the root of why you do it.Perhaps you’re feeling unsatisfied, bored or lonely. Please talk to your GP and ask about cognitive behavioural therapy, which can be very effective. Also read my support packs about counselling and solving debt problems. You need to talk to your husband. Tell him you are getting help and could do with his support. As for your mum, perhaps she shares your addiction and doesn’t want to admit it, so is facilitating yours. Make it clear to her that you’ve decided to tell your husband and try to overcome this. Offer her help too, if she wants it.

EXTRA TIME

I get on well with female football pal and want to take the next step

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27869738/female-football-pal-next-step/

I’VE got a crush on a woman I got to know through our shared love of football. I don’t know whether to tell her and see if our friendship could then grow into something more. I am 27 and she is 25. We get on really well and have similar interests and meet at our club’s home games. We talk regularly on Facebook and I make her laugh. She loves my comments on her photos. We have discussed the possibility of meeting some time for a drink but it never goes any further. I have dropped a few hints telling her I see her as more than just a friend, but either she hasn’t picked up on them or perhaps she doesn’t want to upset me if she doesn’t feel the same way. I think I have to let her know how I feel even if I don’t get the answer I want. At least I will have clarity on the situation.

It is only natural to worry you might ruin your friendship and make things awkward if you tell her how you feel – but someone has to make the first move. If you don’t say something, you may always be wondering “what if”. Why not talk generally about dating and find out what she says about her love life? If she isn’t interested, make it clear you don’t want to lose her as a friend. At least then you will know where you stand. Good luck.

Puppy love

I'm fed up with my husband's wretched dog

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27752602/im-fed-up-of-my-husbands-wretched-dog/

I am fed-up with my husband leaving me to look after his wretched dog. I didn’t even want the thing. My husband bought it as a puppy from a mate in the pub. I’m 58, he’s 61 and we are grandparents, so my daughter brings her children to visit us every week. One of them is a baby so I don’t want him crawling around and picking up things covered in dog hair. I insisted that my husband get a crate for it so it’s locked in there most of the day, but it stinks. I have to clear up after it and I’m the one walking the dog around the garden on a lead and clearing up the mess outside. It’s causing huge arguments.

I’m not surprised. Bringing an animal into your lives is a big commitment and your husband should not have done this without your blessing. Do the right thing and talk to him about getting this poor dog rehomed. Keeping it caged all day, every day, is cruel. Once house-trained, a dog needs some freedom but can use a crate as a sanctuary if their bed is in it. I get the impression you don’t see this pet as a member of your family so the kindest thing is to move the dog to a place where it will be loved. You can find support to do this through the Dogs Trust (dogstrust.org.uk, 0303 003 0000), who can advise you about rehoming.

GONE FLAT

I bought sex toys and offered husband a dirty weekend but he's not interested

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27856907/offered-husband-a-dirty-weekend/

WHEN I suggested spicing up our sex life with a dirty weekend my husband just looked totally disgusted. We’re both in our fifties and have been married for more than two decades. He’s been on at me to try something more adventurous for years but my confidence has never allowed me to take the plunge. This week I finally bought some new toys. I was excited to see what was in store but as soon as I suggested the sexy weekend he turned it down flat. I’m now convinced I’ve left it too late and he’s no longer interested in me. What can I do? Well, I’m wondering if your hus-band felt threatened by the toys you bought.Pick a moment to talk to him about how you feel and say you want to work with him to get your sex life back on track.Explain that you thought he would like these toys, and were confused by his reaction.Ask him what he would be comfortable trying.My support pack Looking After Your Relat-ionship will help you communicate better both in and out of the bedroom.

Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested MasterChef winner shuts Michelin-star restaurant & sends message to fans Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs

DEAR DEIDRE

I'm having incredible sex with rich man - but he's about to get married

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27724707/sex-rich-man-is-engaged/

I’M enjoying the hottest sex of my life with a man I knew from my secondary school days . . . the only problem is, he’s engaged to be married. When I knew him at school I didn’t realise how rich his ­family was. He lives in absolute luxury and has promised me I’ll never need to work again if we’re together. But — and it’s a big but — he has a fiancée. She is also from a wealthy background, but he insists he isn’t in love with her and doesn’t even fancy her. He says he’s only staying with her as his parents and hers are close friends and he can’t bear to upset the two families. I’m 23 and he’s 26. We met when I visited his house to design a new garden gym for him. Walking up the driveway, I noticed the luxury cars parked there and was surprised when this man, who used to be friends with my older brother, opened the door. At school I used to fantasise about him, so I was excited when he started flirting with me while I measured up. After offering me a coffee, he casually leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips. It was incredible. We were alone in his huge house and it took all my self- control to hold back from having sex with him right there on the kitchen counter. He asked me to go around the next day “to check the measurements” and that time I ended up staying the night, although we didn’t get any sleep because we were so busy having sex. The next morning he admitted he was engaged but said I’d really turned his head. His fiancée works away for weeks at a time and he’s been really up front explaining he wants us to be lovers and says he’d set me up in a flat in the centre of town so we can party day and night. I have a boyfriend and would finish with him but I don’t know if this fling will last.

I doubt it. Maybe the sex seems special because he’s older, rich and you had a childhood crush on him. But this man is with someone else and isn’t offering you anything emotionally. He thinks you can be bought with promises of a free flat but would such an arrangement really make you happy? Meanwhile, it would help to look at your relationship with your boyfriend. Either put some energy into it so you feel more committed or call it a day and free him to find someone else. My support pack Your Lover Not Free? will help you see this fling for what it is.

Dear Deidre

I'm desperate for my wife to play out my fantasy with my best friend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27752596/desperate-wife-play-out-fantasy/

I’m considering asking my wife to have sex with my best mate while I look on. This fantasy is fixed in my head, I can’t shake it and want to make it a reality. We’ve been together for ten years. We’ve always been quite adventurous in bed but recently, I’ve felt a little bored of the sex toys and a bit of spanking. She’s 41 and I’m 44. I play five-a-side every week and I’ve got a friend who hit 40 a month ago. His family organised a party for him in our social club because he got divorced last year and he’s been pretty fed-up. My wife got flirty with him after a few drinks. They were gyrating on the dance floor and having such a laugh. I’m not the jealous type because my wife is friendly towards all my mates. It didn’t concern me. Then the following night, I had the most erotic dream about them ­having sex together. I woke up feeling very aroused and nudged my wife awake to have sex with her. I can’t move past it and I keep wondering what it would be like if she got together with him. It’s there at the forefront of my mind every time we’ve had sex recently. She even said to me yesterday, “Wow. What’s got into you? You’re like a man on a mission when you get horny.” I’d love to watch them having sex or if not, be part of a threesome.I’m pretty sure my mate would be up for it but I really don’t know how to approach my wife about it. Do I open up to her and, if so, will she think I’m weird?

I can’t answer that but what I do know is that when you bring other people into an otherwise strong relationship, it can turn your world upside down. You need to be 100 per cent certain that this is what you both want.All kinds of feelings can come into these sorts of situations. You say you’re not jealous but have you thought about what could happen if she had sex with your friend then developed real feelings for him? Please tread very carefully as turning a fantasy into reality can be dangerous. Perhaps spicing things up between you more would be a safer alternative. If so, my support pack 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex can definitely help you to fan the flames.

Dear Deidre

My wife's secret habit has destroyed our sex life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27703483/wifes-secret-rocked-sex-life/

After admitting that she prefers masturbation to sex with me, my wife has now suggested that we have an open relationship. I’m loath to try it as it's the intimacy I want, not just sexual stimulation. I’m 48 and she’s 47. We've been married for 20 years and have two teenage sons. Sex was never great between us. She never orgasmed, however much foreplay I gave her. I tried sex toys, reading sex manuals, using all kinds of massage oils and lubricants. But nothing worked. I assumed she had a physical or psychological problem that was stopping her from climaxing, and tried to convince her to get help - but she refused. Then, one day, I walked into the bathroom not realising she was in the shower. She was masturbating, and clearly enjoying it greatly. Afterwards, she admitted that she orgasmed through masturbation, and did it frequently - four or five times a week, in secret. She’d been doing this for the whole of our marriage. I felt so rejected and inadequate. I asked her to tell me why she couldn’t climax with me. She said she loved me, but she just didn’t find sex with me fulfilling.I begged her to stop masturbating and to focus on our sex life, but she hasn’t. I know because I’ve overheard her doing it. It hurts to know she’s enjoying herself alone when she doesn’t want sex with me. Now, she has said that if I’d like, I can look for someone else to have sex with. She’s given me her blessing. But I don’t think that will help. It’s my wife I want. What can I do?

Many people enjoy masturbating and find it a more efficient way of achieving orgasm because they know what they enjoy and don’t need to please anyone else. But it’s unusual for someone to opt for masturbation over sex entirely, when they have an otherwise happy and loving marriage. I wonder if your wife has deeper issues around intimacy or her body. Talk to her again and ask if she’ll have sex and relationship counselling with you. My support pack on Sex Therapy will tell you more about this. Also read Women and Orgasm. Don’t consider an open relationship, as this is clearly not what you want, and will only create further problems. Explain to your wife that this is not about the physical act of sex but about connecting with her.

Naughty behaviour

Supernanny scared me off having my own children

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27767986/supernanny-scared-me-own-children/

After watching a few episodes of Supernanny I am now terrified of having children of my own, even though it is something my partner and I have talked about. I am 31 and my partner is 33. We have been together for three years. Recently I started watching the series and found it upsetting and hard to watch. Some of the children featured had explosive tantrums, or even ran away. There was also an episode with a violent teenager, and another where the parents favoured the youngest of four children. I felt so sorry for all of them, but instead of moving on after the programme finished, I continued to worry about them. Where I was looking forward to becoming a mum before, I’m so aware now of all the things that can go wrong. I’ve got this unshakable doubt about whether I could cope. It is really putting me off being a parent.

It’s true that having children can completely change your life, but no matter what the challenges, they really do enhance your life. Watching your child develop can be extremely rewarding. All families have obstacles to overcome at one point or another, but that is what families are about - working together to deal with problems. Television shows portray the worst and most extreme situations because they entertain the viewers, so please don’t let it put you off. Talk to friends and family you trust to help you vocalise and deal with this anxiety. My support pack Want To Have A Baby may help you when the time is right.

Hereditary

My diagnosis has torn me apart

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27703485/diagnosis-turned-world-upside-down/

I’ve just been diagnosed with a fatal, hereditary illness that will probably kill me before I’m 50, and I’m terrified. My mum died of it, and my siblings and I have all just been tested, but I’m the only one who’s got it. I’m 25, and my mum died at 55. My disease is called Huntington’s. Although I don’t have any symptoms yet - they usually start after you’re 30 - my diagnosis has turned my world upside down. I’m at the start of my career and have recently fallen in love with a wonderful guy, 28. Now I feel like I have no future, and that I should break up with my boyfriend because it’s not fair to burden him with my illness. I don’t want him to have to watch me deteriorate and die, physically and mentally, like my mum did. And if we were to have a child together, they would have a 50% chance of having it too. I can’t take that risk. The more I read about the condition, the more scared I feel. Eventually, I won’t be able to walk, speak, swallow or think properly.My friends are all out having fun, going travelling, planning their futures - but I don’t have one. I can’t talk to them about it because they don’t understand.Everything seems hopeless and pointless. Please help me.

To be diagnosed with such a terrible illness at your age, having watched your mother die from it, is almost unbearably cruel.But please don’t give up. The future may not be as bleak as you fear. Scientists are developing new drugs which can slow down the progression of Huntington’s, and extend life expectancy. As for having children, there are methods that can make it possible not to pass on the gene to them too. It’s not fair to break up with your boyfriend without giving him the chance to choose for himself whether he can cope with your illness. He may decide he wants to be there for you, regardless, and deal with this together. Talk to him. But before you do so, please talk to the Huntington’s Disease Association (hda.org.uk, tel: 0151 331 5444) who will understand what you’re going through and give you support and guidance.

DEAR DEIDRE

My first love after my hubby died is a cheat - I'm gutted

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27740193/first-love-dead-husband-cheat/

I WAS gutted to discover that the first lover I’d had since my husband died was cheating on me with two of his exes. We were together for five months and our relationship was incredibly intense, which was something I had never expected after my man passed away three years ago. But my partner, who I met through a dating site, was so funny and kind that I fell for him straight away. I am 41 and he is 44. We chatted for weeks and, when we met for drinks, things really took off. The first time we had sex was difficult for me, but he was so considerate that, by the second time, everything felt completely natural. You can imagine how devastated I was when, five months later, I received a text from him telling me it was all over. There was no explanation. His words were cold and callous. Then one day, out of the blue, I received a message from him asking if he could talk to me. We met up and he apologised. He said he’d been in a bad place and work was stressing him out. I forgave him and we started again. But then I heard from one of his exes. She warned me to be careful because he’d gone crawling back to her, too. She’d discovered our messages on his phone and saw a separate thread between him and a third woman — another of his exes. She then sent me screenshots of his conversations. I was gutted and ended our relationship there and then. I want to forget him and try to stop loving him, but it’s so hard.

You were looking for love after your husband’s tragic death and jumped in feet first. You were emotionally vulnerable and didn’t know how badly this man would treat you. I know it’s hard to let go when you may have hoped things would come right, but he’s let you down and you know you can never trust him. Shed your tears over him and then make a determined effort to move on. You deserve much better but may need help to realise it. Concentrate on improving your social life. There are plenty of great guys who are unattached. Find one who is worthy of your love and wants the same as you. My support pack, Addictive Love, will help you get things straight in your head and move on.

STI FEARS

I am worried to tell new lover about my sexual health history

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27724710/new-lover-sexual-health-history/

I’VE met someone I really like and I don’t know how to, or even if I should, tell her about my STI. We’re both in our 60s and met online a month ago. I joined the companionship site after my wife passed away. My family were extremely supportive of me, and my children often visited to keep me company - but despite this, there was a huge hole in my life. I rarely left home for two years but eventually felt strong enough and realised I was ready to meet someone else. I instantly connected with this woman but I’ve put off sharing the fact that I have genital herpes. I contracted herpes at the age of 24 from my first girlfriend. The day I found out what the red sores around my genitals were, I thought my life was over. Thankfully, I went on to meet my wife who was amazing and extremely understanding of my situation. It never affected our relationship but I’m aware that this won’t always be the case. I’m worried it’ll end the relationship before it’s even begun.What should I do?

There is a huge stigma around having an STI so it’s natural you’re nervous about sharing this information with your partner. Still, it is fantastic that you want to be honest with this woman. When you have a quiet moment, tell her you want to share something important. Explain you respect her, value her and you’re going to entrust her with something very private. This will emphasise how much the relationship means to you. It’s important you encourage her to ask you questions so she can see you want to be open and that you understand how to manage your herpes. There will be many people out there who will be attracted to you for exactly who you are – with or without herpes. However, we all face rejection whether or not we have herpes. Thousands of people are turned down for dates and relationships every day. So if she does decide she wants to end the relationship, know she wasn’t the right person for you. That person is still out there waiting. The Herpes Viruses Association (herpes.org.uk) is a patient support charity that works to reduce the stigma around genital herpes. They will be able to help you with any issues you may face in the future.

RUDE WIFE

My son's controlling & rude wife is ruining his life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27740255/son-rude-controlling-wife/

I don’t know how to help my son, whose life is being ruined by his wife. I am his 58-year-old dad. My son is 35 and his wife is 33. They met at university and whenever she came to say, rather than trying to set a good impression, she drank heavily and was disruptive and rude. My son was going to leave her, but then she became pregnant. Things became so bad between them he had a breakdown, but still they struggled on. They even have a second child now. Sadly, my son never finished his degree and now works in menial jobs that pay very little. His girlfriend has good qualifications and it seems that while she develops her career, my son’s life has come to a standstill in every way. Thankfully, his mental health is stable now but his wife is very controlling. He cannot go out alone so we haven’t seen him much. If I call him he sounds very down in the dumps. He gives in to his wife every time, saying he does not want to cause a scene, especially in front of the children. I worry his mental health will deteriorate again but I’m not sure how best to support him.

No parent wants to see their child suffer. Knowing your son is being controlled by his wife, and feeling powerless to help, is extremely upsetting. You are helping him merely by being there for him and listening. He may feel he can’t tell anyone else because he’s a man. But men can be victims of domestic abuse too, and he should not feel embarrassed. Tell him to speak in confidence to an organisation called the Mankind Initiative (mankind.org.uk) as soon as he can. It helps men in domestic abuse situations. My support pack Abusive Partner also details professional organisations that can help.

SHE'S EVIL

My ex's manipulative new partner is turning my daughter against me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27724714/my-ex-manipulative-new-partner/

MY ex’s new partner is turning my daughter against me. This woman is so manipulative it’s evil. My daughter and I used to be so close, but now I’m lucky if I get a message once a month. It’s heartbreaking. I’m 42 and my ex is 45. We have two daughters. One is ten and the other is five and still lives with me. We were co-parenting brilliantly until he met this woman. For the past year, she’s been turning my eldest daughter against me in what seems like some weird power trip. Now my daughter hasn’t come home to me in months and has cut me and my family off completely. They have moved her to a new school and sports team, completely isolating her from her old friends. Now I receive text messages from my ex’s phone with dreadful accusations – that I cheated on him with a colleague and even stole money from him. I’m sure this woman is behind it all. To make matters worse they’re always posting on social media that they are out on the town, so I worry about who is taking care of my daughter. My lawyers have sent letters but they’ve been ignored. I would take them to court but this would cost me thousands of pounds that I just don’t have. Social services have been useless and the police won’t get involved. This woman is known for doing this to other families. She leaves nothing but devastation behind. I’m terrified they will also do the same to my youngest daughter.

It sounds as though your daughter has been manipulated and coerced. It’s concerning that you don’t know who is taking care of her either. Please contact Families Need Fathers – they help mothers too, despite their name. You can find out more on their website. I would also urge you to speak to the NSPCC, who specialise in child protection. My support pack, When Parents Fall Out, explains how children can be affected by their parents’ separation. It may also be worth sending it to your ex. It may help you both move past this difficult situation.

Thrilling

I'm a serial heartbreaker; how can I change?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27651971/serial-heart-breaker-change/

Whenever I get close to a woman, I pull away and end the relationship. I love the thrill of the chase and the feeling of being wanted, but I find it impossible to commit. How do I change? I’m 34 and would love to settle down and have a family, like many of my friends. Instead I fear I’m going to end up a sad, lonely old bachelor because I’m hopeless in relationships. I’m a reasonably attractive guy, I’m financially stable and I have a decent personality, so I have no trouble attracting women. But a few months after I start seeing someone, I start finding fault and planning my exit. I want to understand why I’m like this. I don’t like breaking women’s hearts, and I know I’ve hurt a lot of good people.

It takes courage to admit you have a problem and to want to change your behaviour. It’s likely your commitment phobia stems from a past experience, perhaps in your childhood. You may have felt abandoned and now run away from relationships before you can be hurt again. Counselling would help you to get to the root cause and teach you methods to deal with it. My support pack about counselling will tell you more. Also see my support pack, When Your Man Won’t Commit, which is designed for partners of commitment-phobes, but should help you too.

Marriage issues

Where is my husband's backbone?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27703486/sick-husband-burying-head-sand/

My husband refuses to discuss any issues in our relationship, and I’m sick of it. He prefers to bury his head in the sand, fooling himself that if he ignores a problem it will just go away. I’m 58 and he’s 60. We’ve been together for 35 years and have two grown-up children, who have now left home. Throughout our marriage, any problem we’ve had has gone unresolved. If I’m upset about something he’s done, he either tells me to shut up or he just walks out the front door and doesn’t come back for hours until he’s sure I’ve calmed down. He’s like this with money, health, the kids - everything. He can’t cope.What usually happens is that I end up dealing with things myself. Now that we're getting older, there are important things I need to discuss with him, like our wills. He just storms off whenever I mention needing to talk. I’m starting to hate him. It’s like living with a little boy. What can I do?

Your husband sounds like he’s never developed any type of coping mechanism. He is like a kid - afraid of confrontation or anything that makes him uncomfortable. This avoidant attachment style may stem from his childhood. Unfortunately, after 35 years, it will be hard for him to change, especially if he doesn’t accept he has an issue, but it is entirely possible. Perhaps if he’s aware how strongly you feel, he may agree to have relationship counselling with you - try Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org.uk). In the meantime talk to your children about your will, so they know what needs to be done.

Dear Deidre

My husband blames his cheating ways on grief

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27625748/husband-blames-cheating-grief/

My husband cheated on me after his mother passed away and now blames his affair on his grief. We’ve been married for 23 years. He’s 47 and I’m 51. My mother-in-law was a lovely lady. She was 71 and we got along so well. I was as heartbroken as he was when she died after a short illness. She’d been great with our kids when they were growing up and she was a good friend to me. Two weeks after her funeral, I saw some messages on his laptop when he’d left it open. They were from a woman who we both knew from school. They were absolutely filthy. It was clear that they’d been having an affair and from what I could tell, they’d met up at least twice and had sex at her place. His message was suggesting that he’d go around again later that week. I was so shocked that I was sick in the bathroom. I called a friend who told me that I had to confront him. When he came in from work that evening, I was sitting at the kitchen table and I asked him to sit down. I told him what I’d found. He sat there in silence and looked so embarrassed. He finally spoke up and told me he’d been a fool and that he had bumped into her and they went for a drink and it escalated from there. He said it was because he was grieving the loss of his mum. I yelled and cried and he vowed to end it with her. I think he has done that now. He’s creeping around me and our sex life is better than ever right now, but I can’t get past what he did. I don’t think I can ever trust him.

He’s betrayed you massively and that hurts but you clearly still love him because you’re still together. Cheating isn’t acceptable but it isn’t unusual for somebody to have an affair after losing somebody they love. He lapped up the attention from this person to escape the sadness, when he should have come to you. You’re in the driving seat now. Insist that you have some couples counselling through Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975), where you can shout or cry and show your true feelings in a controlled environment. My support pack on bereavement explains where he’ll find emotional support.

Deceptive

My little white lie has ruined my relationship

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27705293/white-lie-ruined-relationship/

I stupidly lied to my ex about having a new boyfriend, but my boyfriend found out and now he won’t forgive me. My little white lie has ruined my relationship and I don’t know what to do. I’m 18 and my boyfriend is 19. My ex is also 18. I was with my ex for three years, and I broke up with him because I fell out of love. He was so upset that when I met my new boyfriend I told him I was still single - just so I didn’t hurt him more. But my new boyfriend thinks it means I don’t care about him. He says I’m just using him and must still want my ex - which isn’t true.We’re arguing and on the brink of breaking up.

You told your white lie with the best of intentions but you’ve sent mixed signals to your boyfriend who now feels insecure. He’s also questioning your commitment to him. You need to reassure him that you want him and you only lied to save your ex’s feelings. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Inside David and Victoria Beckham's stunning new £60m Miami mansion My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should help.

Abandoned

Does my childhood mean I'll always struggle with trust?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27675025/cant-trust-girlfriend-parents/

When I was seven years old, my parents abandoned me. Twenty years later, I still struggle to come to terms with it and it’s making it impossible to trust my girlfriend. We’ve been together for a year and I adore her but I am finding it hard to believe this will last. I’m 27, she’s 28 and this is my first relationship. Previously I had tried to date from time to time but had always been unlucky in love. Since we met I’ve been besotted with her, but learning to totally trust her has felt impossible. I keep expecting her to hurt me even though she has given me no reason to feel that way. It’s as if I’m waiting for her to find someone better and leave me behind. Every time I see her even talking to another man I’m filled with jealousy. She constantly reassures me, so I really shouldn’t be freaking out like this. How do I get over this?

Given the way your parents left you, it’s not surprising your self-defence mechanism kicks in and stops you feeling secure, even in a good relationship. These feelings are deep rooted so you’ll need to take time to work on developing healthier thinking patterns. My counselling support pack explains how you can find the help you need. Continue to talk openly with your girlfriend and, with her support, you might be able to work on this together and strengthen your relationship.

Thank you

You helped me tell my family I was dating an older woman

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27703487/helped-tell-family-older-woman/

Although my partner and I were madly in love, we kept our relationship a secret because of our 15-year age gap. We were both worried our families would disapprove. I’m 24 and she’s 39. When we started talking about having a baby together, we knew we’d have to come out. We felt it wouldn’t be right to keep our child from its grandparents.You reassured me that we were doing nothing wrong, and advised me to confide in the person in my family I trusted the most. If they cared about me, they’d be happy for us. You sent me your support pack, Standing Up For Yourself so I could have this tricky conversation, as well as your pack on Age Gaps. Your advice gave me the courage to tell my family and to persuade my partner to tell hers. They were accepting, just upset we hadn’t told them sooner. Aside from a few cougar jokes, our friends were too! Since then, we’ve been trying for a baby and have had some happy news - my partner is pregnant with twins! Thank you Deidre.

I’m so pleased things have worked out for you. Often, the fear of revealing a secret is far worse than the reality.

Marital issues

My wife cannot accept the other woman in my life - my ex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27625752/wife-cannot-accept-other-woman/

My wife cannot accept that there’s another woman in my life - my ex-wife. She hates her for no apparent reason and keeps threatening to leave me. But my ex is great. She’s married another guy and there’s no love between us, just friendship - and our children. I have to keep in contact with her because of the children and sometimes, childcare arrangements. We handle things really well. My new wife is 31 and I’m 39. We have a little son of three months together and my other kids are eight and six. They love my wife and their little brother. My new wife changed after I went to my eight-year-old’s birthday party at my ex-wife’s house. My wife had just had our baby so she stayed at home. I was late home because I helped my ex and her husband clear up and we had a beer afterwards but when I got in, my wife was livid. She told me that she doesn’t want me to go into their house again. She’s highly strung and it doesn’t take much to get her annoyed. I’m nervous that she will leave me if I can’t make her see sense.

She is feeling insecure which may be down to her feeling vulnerable as a new mum, hormones after giving birth, or the fact that she’s been cheated on in a previous relationship. All you can do is keep telling her how much you love her and that your relationship with your ex is history but you keep things amicable for the sake of the children. Suggest that you all go out together, somewhere neutral. A trip to the park to watch the children play, where your ex and her husband are around to share the childcare may help your wife to see that she has nothing to worry about. My support pack called Coping With Jealousy is full of good advice on how to handle these sorts of situations.

Dear Deidre

My cougar lover is sleeping with other men

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27601791/my-cougar-is-flirting-with-other-men/

I’ve been having a thrilling fling with my older boss, who has an insatiable sexual appetite – but I’m now convinced that she’s sleeping with other men, too. I’m 27 and she’s 52. She’s the licensee for the pub where I’m the chef. The staff all like her as she’s super cool, and great with customers. One evening after work she asked if I’d share some wine as she wanted my opinion on changing the menu. Our chat quickly became flirty and she asked whether I had a girlfriend. When she questioned if I found her attractive, I admitted, “very much”. The next thing I knew, she was walking around to my side of the table, leaning down and kissing me passionately. Things got more heated and we ended up having sex. I felt awkward the next day, but she asked me to stay late again, and the following night too. We now have sex in the flat upstairs whenever she demands it. But recently she’s been flirting with a couple of regular customers. Watching her feels so insulting. We’re not official, but I was starting to hope we would be, so seeing her look elsewhere right under my nose feels really disrespectful. I was surprisingly upset when I saw a message on her phone about sex from one of these guys. Now I’m convinced she’s sleeping with other men at the same time as me. I tried to talk to her about it, but she brushed my questions away because she wanted sex. She’s now become distant and is often too “tired or busy” to see me.

It doesn’t sound like you have ever spoken to each other about how you see your relationship. From what you’ve written, she’s happy to keep things casual and enjoys the freedom of seeing whoever she wants. Meanwhile, you are looking for a proper relationship and monogamy. To be sure, ask her where she sees your arrangement going and if, as I suspect, she tells you that she wants to keep things purely sexual, then you know where you stand. You may get hurt if you continue to play to her tune. Tell her it’s been great but you’re ready for something more than just sex. She’ll appreciate you being mature enough to end things properly, where she couldn’t. Plan activities away from your job and make sure you leave work promptly so you don’t hang around looking available.

Dumped

My friend with benefits picks me up and drops me as he pleases

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27649619/friend-benefits-drops-me/

MY friend-with-benefits dumped me because his new girlfriend was jealous of me, then expected to pick up with me when they split. When I said no, he told me our friendship was over. I feel really hurt. I’m 26 and he is 27. We met at university and had a brief relationship before deciding to be just mates. However, we ended up in bed a number of times, and agreed to be “friends with benefits”. It suited us both. Last year, he met a woman he said he’d really fallen for. I was happy for him. But his new girlfriend was incredibly jealous of me. She told him he couldn’t be mates with me as we had history. After that, he didn’t speak to me for six months. When they split he came back, like nothing had happened, assuming we’d pick up our arrangement. I said no and that I felt disrespected, expecting him to apologise. Instead, he said our friendship was over and told me to delete his number. I cared about him and I feel used. How do I move on?

While you agreed to a friendship with casual sex, you didn’t agree to being picked up and put down whenever he wanted. Try talking to him and explaining how important the friendship was to you. If he can’t see that you’re worth more then perhaps it’s better not to be friends. My support pack, When Friends Fall Out, might help you to deal with this.

Used

My partner treats me like a sex object

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27649615/my-partner-treats-me-like-a-sex-object/

I am sick of being treated like a sex object by my partner. I don’t feel loved – just used. He is always asking me to do sexual things I don’t feel comfortable with, and when I refuse, he sulks and blanks me for days. I’m 40 and he’s 42. We’ve been together, on and off, for seven years.We broke up over this issue once. He wanted to have anal sex and I refused, as I think it’s revolting. He kept asking, telling me I was boring and unadventurous. Eventually, we had a row and he went out and didn’t come home for two nights. I assume he found another woman to indulge his fantasies. I then called it quits. He won me back by telling me how much he missed me, and promising to treat me better. I explained how important it was for me to feel loved. I said he made me feel like a prostitute. But nothing has changed. If I’m not in the mood, or I won’t have the type of sex he wants, he gets angry and ignores me. Then he either goes out or watches nasty porn videos for hours. I’m at the end of my tether.

Your partner may have more “adventurous” tastes than you – or indeed, a sex addiction – but that does not give him the right to treat you like this, or to sulk when you refuse him. He seems to equate love with sexual availability and not to be able to cope when his sexual demands aren’t fulfilled. Unless he recognises he has a problem, being with him will make you very miserable long term. Tell him you’ve had enough. If he really loves you then he will want to work on himself. Some couples counselling and/or sex therapy together could be in order. See my support pack about this, and contact Tacistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org).

Family ties

My siblings are taking advantage of me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27675022/siblings-taking-advantage-me/

I am worried that my siblings are taking advantage of me. Whether it’s childcare, lending money, or even running errands, I’m constantly doing things for them, yet they never help me in return. I’m a 29-year-old single woman and I have one brother and two sisters who I’ve always had a close relationship with. Over the last couple of years, they’ve all found partners and had children. While I expected our relationships to change, it’s become clear that these days they only want me around when they need something. I’m starting to feel used. I babysit for them and do all the present shopping for everyone in the family. Yet if I were to ask them for a favour in return they come up with an excuse. I know parenthood can be demanding, but I feel so isolated from them all. How do I tell them how I feel without causing issues?

It’s likely that your siblings are unaware of how they’re making you feel. Becoming a parent can be all-consuming, and they probably haven’t taken the time to consider how all this could be affecting you. Find a moment to talk to them and be completely honest. Set some boundaries and explain that while you don’t mind helping them out, you feel isolated and unsupported. Hopefully, after everything is out in the open, things will start to change.

MONEY DILEMMA

I don't enjoy working full-time since my divorce - I want to find a provider

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27580232/working-full-time-divorce-find-provider/

WHERE have all the rich men gone? I’m in my 40s and have been single for three years. Since my divorce, I have to work full-time and don’t enjoy it at all. I would really like to find a man who can provide me with companionship and financial security. However, I’ve had no luck and none of the men I’ve met have had the means to support me. A couple of them wouldn’t even pay for my dinner. Is there anything that I can do to change this?

If you are looking for a long-lasting relationship then don’t reject a man because he isn’t wealthy enough. There are plenty of men who can provide you with love, affection and companionship and that is much more important than money. Long relationships usually start off as good friendships. Widening your social circle will give you a chance to find the right person for you. My support pack Finding The Love Of Your Life can help you further.

FAMILY FEARS

My wife doesn’t want kids but my yearning to become a dad has strengthened

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27580439/wife-doesnt-want-kids/

I WORRY I’ll never have kids because my wife is adamant she doesn’t want them. We are both in our 30s and have been together for nearly 10 years. She always made it clear she didn’t want to become a parent but over the years my yearning to become a dad has strengthened. Six years ago I tried to speak to my wife about it. She simply said: “If you want children you’ll have to find another woman.” Since then she has refused to speak about it – ever. The pain of not having children has worsened over time despite trying to accept that I won’t be a dad.

You knew from the beginning that your wife didn’t want children and it’s clear she isn’t changing her mind. Ultimately, if you want children you will need to leave your wife and have them with someone else which is a huge step. Talk to friends or a counsellor to work through the best decision for you. My support pack How Counselling Can Help has more information.

REBOUND STING

I was so attracted to my new lover - but now I'm realising it's just rebound

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27597364/sting-realisation-rebound-relationship/

At 64 years old, you’d think I would know better but I’ve completely humiliated myself by becoming utterly obsessed with the first man I dated after separating from my husband. I was married for 38 years but my husband and I grew apart so when he suggested we go our different ways, I readily agreed. That was nearly two years ago and I recently met another man, who I was really attracted to. He is 65. He told me I was beautiful and he really liked me too. I felt there was a huge attraction between us, although he made it clear he didn’t want a relationship. But the first time we had sex I got really drunk and it was a disaster. Since then I’ve been doing all the chasing, while he seems completely disinterested. I would just love to go back to the beginning and start again. I think we could have been great.

You’re not the first to underestimate the effects of alcohol – and won’t be the last. There’s no point beating yourself up about it, what’s done is done. This man made it clear he wasn’t interested in anything serious from the start. Nothing you do, or say can change that – not even turning back time would make a difference. Put this down to experience and start to focus on the life you want. My support pack Moving On will help you.

Relationship woes

My 'perfect' man has turned on me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27601802/my-perfect-man-has-turned-on-me/

I took a nasty, drunken tumble, and now my “perfect man” has turned on me. He’s even spreading dreadful rumours about me, saying I’m an alcoholic. We’d gone out for lunch to celebrate his 37th birthday and I drank more than I normally would. I’m 34 and thought I knew my limits but, when I got up from our table, I felt totally out of control. Somehow I got home, but then I fell down the stairs. Afterwards everything was a blur but I remember him getting annoyed. I cut my forehead badly and needed 20 stitches. This is completely out of character as I normally only drink two glasses of wine, even on a big night out. Now he calls me a drunk and says I can’t be trusted alone. A good friend told me about his malicious gossiping. I had noticed friends were avoiding me and it all makes sense now. I have started to suffer panic attacks and often struggle to go out.

This relationship is toxic and you no longer recognise who you are, which isn’t right. Abuse doesn’t always take the form of violence – you can be controlled mentally or emotionally, and he’s got you right where he wants you. The counsellors at the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationaldahelpline.org.uk, 0808 2000 247) will help empower you to cut this man out and get your life back on track.

SEX STRESS

I can’t help but feel I’m letting my partner down with our sex life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27580870/letting-partner-down-sex-life/

THE pressure to be adventurous and an exciting lover is stressing me out. My partner and I are in our late 20s and have been together for just over three years. He is the sweetest boyfriend I’ve ever had but my previous toxic relationships are coming back to haunt me. My exes used to put me down about my underwear or were critical of my technique in the bedroom. It made me feel so insecure, to the point where I did exactly what they wanted, wearing outfits that weren’t my style and even having sex in positions I found uncomfortable, just so I could keep them happy. Even now I struggle with intimacy and trying new things sexually. My partner tries to reassure me that he’s happy and satisfied with our sex life, however I can’t help but feel I’m letting him down. When I admitted how insecure I feel he was incredibly reassuring and calming. We even had sex afterwards with no problems. I would still like to try new things in bed and at least feel more confident when we are intimate. I have suffered with low self-esteem for years and I’m wondering if this has anything to do with this. Please help me.

It’s important to hang on to the fact that your boyfriend is happy and satisfied. You’ve also taken the biggest step and shared your worries with him. The fact he is reassuring and considerate will do wonders for your self-esteem both inside and outside of the bedroom. Toxic relationships can leave us feeling emotionally and physically closed off. They can lead to difficulties with trust and vulnerability, which is why you are struggling. It’s important to remember the issues you faced in your previous relationships were not your fault. The words your exes said to you are not a reflection of you. Your low self-esteem will also have been impacted by these relationships and will be playing a role in this issue. My support pack Raising Self-Esteem will help you to build some positive feelings about yourself.

DEAR DEIDRE

I don't know what to do next after my husband finally admitted cheating

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27869732/husband-finally-admitted-cheating/

IN the heat of an argument my husband admitted he’d cheated on me – after ten years of denying anything had happened. We were arguing because he thought a colleague of mine had been overly friendly and so he didn’t want me to go to work drinks. My husband said he “knew what men were like”, and something about the comment made me ask again about an incident ten years ago. This time he admitted the truth but I’m devastated that after so long of thinking everything was fine, he’s been hiding this secret. I am 36 and my husband is 38. We have been married for eight years but have been together for over a decade. Before we were married he’d go down the pub regularly with a mate. Then one day I received an anonymous call from a woman who said my husband had been chatting up someone and gone home with her. She said she was calling because she had been cheated on and she thought I had a right to know. When I confronted him he said this woman couldn’t pay for a taxi, so he gave her a lift. He insisted there was nothing more to it. I wanted to believe him and tried to forget about it. But in the heat of this recent argument he admitted to kissing and fondling her and said she gave him oral sex. He has broken my heart but thinks I am overreacting. I feel so unloved. I broached the subject again and he was angry, saying it meant nothing. I don’t know what to think.

You have every right to your feelings. Your husband broke your trust and this has damaged your relationship. If he wants this event to remain in the past, he needs to face it and own the reality that he’s hurt you badly. He is telling you that you’re overreacting because he wants to move on and forget about this episode. Unless he’s prepared to acknowledge the damage he’s done, you’ll never be able to rebuild the trust between you. He has to be prepared to apologise and to try to make it up to you. He made a mistake but he has finally owned up to it. That’s a positive start. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over it? will help you both.

JUST SAY NO

I'm tired of being people-pleaser & being walked all over - how do I say 'no'?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27593618/people-pleaser-saying-no/

WHY do I always put the needs of others before my own? Being a people-pleaser is exhausting and makes me miserable. I am a 32-year-old single man. As far back as I can remember I have let people walk all over me. It doesn’t matter how inconvenient something is or how little I want to do it, I always end up volunteering. I’ll tell myself “just say no” but then hear “I’ll do it” coming from my mouth. It’s important to me to be kind and I like making other people happy, but recently I’ve noticed a lot of people take advantage of my nature. For example, I don’t drink much and often offer to drive people home after a big night out, but now I’m always the designated driver. Some pals have even got grumpy when I go home before they want to. How do I start saying “no”?

You recognise that you’re a people-pleaser and that’s the first step to being more assertive. People-pleasing is about seeking acceptance from others but neglecting yourself. While it’s wrong that others take advantage of your kindness, self-awareness will help you to stop this in future. Take small steps. To raise your confidence, start to practise saying “no” in low-key situations. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help.

Cash cow

My mate’s wife is rinsing him for every penny he has

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27601797/mates-wife-rinsing-him/

Even though she’s left him for another man, my mate’s wife continues to rinse him for cash. She’s taking him for a fool but he can’t see it. She’s 42 and started an affair over nine months ago. It wasn’t long before she walked out on him, leaving him with their two teenage kids. He’s 43 and I’m 41. He told me all about it at work. My wife and I have tried to be there for him and his children, who sometimes come home with my kids after school. He’s working so hard to keep the roof over their heads, but he also gives his ex money to help her out – even though she’s renting a place with her new lover. She is a piece of work and only sees him as a cash cow. He never refuses her, despite the fact that she is well paid. My mate says she “just needs time” and he’s hoping she’ll go back to him, so he gives her money to tide her over. I know she’s cheated on him before. My wife told me. I don’t want to tell my pal what to do, but it is so frustrating to see him being walked over.

I’m sure you’re right but, as a friend, the best thing you can do is support him and help pick up the pieces. Try not to be too critical or he may distance himself from you. He’s more likely to see the reality if he feels he’s in a supportive environment. Encourage him to get advice about his finances through onlydads.org, which is for separating fathers. They can help make the best arrangements for children without favouring the mother’s rights over the dad’s. They assist with legal issues and he can talk with a solicitor, barrister or mediator free of charge. Give him my support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, which may help.

Dear Deidre

A sweet birthday card changed everything

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27561356/sweet-birthday-card-changed-everything/

Two years after she cheated, having sex with one of my friends, my ex got back in touch, and I’m feeling so confused. She sent me a birthday card with a sweet message and it brought back all my old feelings. I’m 32 and she’s 31. We were in a relationship for three years. During that time, she cheated on me more than once. She could be really unpleasant, putting me down one minute and telling me how much she loved me the next. I was a mess, always doubting myself and worrying. It’s hard to explain why she had such a hold over me. But when she was nice, she was lovely - kind and generous. And our sex life was very passionate - especially after an argument. She made me feel nobody could ever love me the way she did. But eventually, when I found out she was seeing yet another man behind my back - and one of my good friends at that but wasn’t even apologetic - I got the strength to end the relationship. After that, she cut me off entirely. It took me a long time to start getting over her. I haven’t had another relationship since. On my birthday last month, I received a beautiful card from her saying she was thinking about me and still loved me. As I opened it and recognised the handwriting straight away and my heart started pounding. I felt sick. I haven’t been able to sleep properly since. I keep thinking about her, remembering our time together. Part of me thinks getting back in touch is a bad idea, but the other part craves seeing her again. I know she’s in a relationship with someone else. What should I do?

Getting back in touch with this woman would be a very bad idea. You know she’s in a relationship and nothing in her behaviour suggests she’s changed. Sending you a loving message after two years of silence is manipulative. It’s likely she’s feeling bored, or has fallen out with her boyfriend, so don't become her convenient distraction. Block her on social media and your phone and throw away the card. Although you’ve moved on a little, you’re still dealing with the effects of being in a toxic relationship with her. My support pack on Building Self-Esteem and on Addictive Love will help. Talking to a counsellor would help you to get over this relationship and understand why you still have feelings for this woman.

Servant

My partner won't lift a finger to clean our flat

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27561361/partner-wont-lift-finger-clean/

My partner is so lazy and messy that I often feel like his servant. Although I’ve asked him repeatedly to help around the flat, he never does his bit. I’m 32 and he’s 28. We’ve been in a gay relationship for eight years, living together for three. I knew he was untidy when we first moved in together, but I thought he’d make an effort to keep our place nice. He does nothing at all. I do all the cleaning, washing, shopping, cooking and DIY. I’ve started to feel really resentful. It’s affecting our sex life too. I hate coming home from work to find the living room in a state. He leaves his clothes all over the bedroom floor, and drops his wet towels in the middle of the bathroom. I’ve talked to him about it several times, saying how fed up I am and that, sometimes, it would be nice if he would look after me. He makes an effort for a couple of days, and then reverts to his old habits. He says he doesn’t mind the mess, so it’s my problem, not his. We love each other but I’m starting to think I should break up with him.

Your frustration is understandable - you’re supposed to be a partnership and he isn’t pulling his weight. He needs to understand that his total lack of contribution is destroying your relationship and making you feel you’re taken for granted. Perhaps you should take a different tack. Explain that if he helps out, it will show you that he loves you, and you’ll feel more in the mood for sex. Think about couples counselling. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org).

Dear Deidre

Boyfriend said he wanted children while he had sex with another woman

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27675016/boyfriend-ruined-plans-future/

After months of us planning to marry and start a family, I discovered my boyfriend was having sex with another woman. I had been so excited that he wanted the whole package and was delighted he wanted to start a new chapter and move in together. But now I’m at a complete loss and questioning my judgement — how could I have got this so wrong? I’m 39, my boyfriend is 42 and we’ve been together for four years. He always seemed cautious of commitment, so I was delighted when he told me late last year that he wanted to take the plunge with me. It was what I’d wanted for a long time so I readily moved out of my flat, and we found a new place to move in to together. It was pretty run down but we worked hard together for months making it cosy and ours. With our new home looking perfect we even started to talk about me coming off my contraception. Then one day, while I was tidying our room, I found a pair of women’s knickers under our bed. After that, I couldn’t help snooping through his phone. Sure enough, I found hundreds of text messages he had exchanged with another woman. Ever since I’ve been in bits and I can’t wrap my head around how he would do this to me. Where do I go from here?

Knowing where to go from here will be difficult, but you need to decide if this is something that you can move past. Be honest with your boyfriend and confront him about his betrayal. Explain how you feel and tell him how much his affair hurt you. You need to be sure about why he strayed and what he wants from here on before you consider giving him another chance. If you choose to stay, ensure he is equally as willing to work on rebuilding trust in your relationship. Couples counselling will be a vital part of this. Please don’t try for a child until you are both on an even keel and have rebuilt the trust. You can find support through Tavistock Relationships (020 7380 1975, tavistockrelationships.org). And look at my support packs Cheating – Can You Get Over It? and Looking After Your Relationship. Hopefully they will both be of help.

Thank you

You helped me when I struggled to be faithful

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27561362/helped-me-struggled-faithful/

Following my divorce, I fell into a spiral of womanising. I found it impossible to stay faithful. Despite seeing two women at once, I was still hunting for more dates online. But I didn’t like myself, and couldn’t understand why anyone would want me anyway, as I’m not rich or handsome. I knew that at 46 I had lost my way, but I didn’t know how to sort my life out. You identified that my problem was a lack of self-esteem, and sent your support pack about this. You also asked me to think about my childhood and look at whether I felt loved - what might have led me to behave as I did. And you recommended counselling. I found the advice so helpful and your suggestion that I was ‘hooked on the high of sex with new women because of past emotional hurt’ - was spot on. I realised I was still hurting from the end of my first relationship, which destroyed my confidence. Thank you, Deidre. I have ended both relationships and am trying to stay single, while working on myself.

It isn’t easy to change ingrained patterns of behaviour, but by recognising your issues, you have taken the first steps to improving your future. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Good luck.

DRIVING ME MAD

I cannot handle family life & am fantasising about my independent lifestyle

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27580592/family-life-freedom-independent-lifestyle/

ALTHOUGH I love my wife and children, I cannot handle family life any more. I’m 39 and my wife is 38. We’ve been together for nine years and have two beautiful children, aged eight and five. But over the past few months I’ve been fantasising about moving out, finding my own place, and going back to the independent lifestyle I so enjoyed before we met. Back then, I used to travel the world and loved the freedom it brought. I was independent and adored exploring far-flung countries. It all seems like a lifetime ago and I miss it so much. I’ve dreamed about having the children on weekends while spending the week doing my own thing. At the same time, I don’t want to give up my children or my partner. One of the main problems is that so much of our life revolves around my wife’s family. All our spare time is spent with them. It drives me mad and my wife knows how draining I find it. But in reality the longer we’ve been together, the worse the issue has become. I’m spending my days wishing my children were older so I could have my old life back. I feel so guilty about thinking like this. How can I have my freedom and also have my family?

This is a very difficult situation and it’s important you don’t do something you will regret. It’s evident there’s a void in your life that needs filling. Do you have your own interests that you are able to spend time on? It’s a massive adjustment becoming a parent and devoting all your time to your family, but if you can develop your own passions this will help you feel more fulfilled. Talk to your wife and explain you need more balance. Tell her that spending all your free time with her family is making you feel frustrated. Can you suggest limiting your get- togethers with them to one day a weekend, or every other weekend to give you all more time to yourselves. Could you plan a big trip abroad with your children? Sharing new adventures with your own kids can be really magical. But most importantly, you do need to talk to your wife about your feelings. My support pack Standing Up for Yourself can help you get the message across to her.

DEAR DEIDRE

I've discovered my husband has had IVF with another woman

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27528058/husband-double-life/

After ten happy years together I’ve discovered that my husband has been leading a double life. Not only does he have a secret girlfriend, but they’ve trying for a baby through IVF together too. My heart is shattered and I don’t know where to go from here.I’m 36 and my husband is 39. A year ago I was offered a job that meant I’d be travelling a lot for work. While I was initially apprehensive my husband convinced me to accept it. At the time I assumed he was trying to be supportive, but looking back a part of me wonders if he just wanted to get me out of the way. I’d be gone for weeks at a time but coming home things were great. He’d tell me how much he missed me and shower me with love and affection. Then a week ago out of nowhere, a friend of mine sent me a screenshot of another woman’s Instagram post. At first, I struggled to believe it, but there was my husband smiling next to another woman in a doctor’s office holding up a photo of an embryo. My heart fell out of my chest. When I tried to find her profile I realised she had blocked me. I waited until I returned home to confront him, and without any fight, he admitted to it all and announced he was leaving me. He said he’d been thinking about it for a while but didn’t know how to tell me. Since then he’s moved out and started posting all about his new life online. I can’t understand how I didn’t notice something was amiss. I feel so stupid. I’m so hurt and confused.

Your husband’s actions have been cruel and hurtful. He knew exactly what he was doing and clearly went to great lengths to hide his duplicity from you for months, if not years. Don’t beat yourself up for trusting your husband, that after all is the cornerstone of solid relationships. As hard as this is, take it as a blessing that you now know the truth. Mourn the future you thought you had, and lean on friends and family. Take good care of your own physical health which will help you heal and cope with this devastating loss. I’m sending you my support pack, Mend Your Broken Heart, which I hope will help you pick up the pieces and move on.

BEING HONEST

I've filed for divorce but I'm living on sofa & wanting to start dating again

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27593477/filed-for-divorce-dating-scene/

GETTING back on the dating scene is daunting, especially as I am now married and have a three-year-old daughter. I am in a quandary about whether to be up front about my situation or to get to know my date better before revealing all. This isn’t about cheating as my wife and I haven’t had sex for years and have filed for divorce, but I am still living on the sofa. I don’t want my situation to put off the woman I have started seeing, but I want to be honest. Although I have only been on one date with her, I really like what I see. I am 39 and this woman is 35. My wife’s parents are going to buy me out of the house so I can set myself up afresh but all the admin is taking a long time. Your advice would really be appreciated as I have hit it off with this woman I have started dating. We have been chatting continuously. We love the same films and gaming. I want to show her I respect her and am a truthful person, but I will be gutted if she dismisses me at this early stage, without getting to know me. Also don’t all the married men who want a mistress lie and say they are going to get a divorce and are in a sexless marriage?

Yes, it is usually best to get things out into the open. You know you have got to tell her but I can imagine how hard it is to know precisely when. The truth is bound to come out sooner or later anyway. No one likes being deceived, especially about something so serious therefore it is important you are upfront and honest at the start. If your date goes well, then focus on how you want to be together but be prepared for her to ask for time and space to think things through.

Not compatible

My boyfriend wants a child together but won't move in

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27561358/boyfriends-bad-bed-sleep-another-men/

We’ve been trying for a baby for six months, but my boyfriend and I still don’t live together. Although I love him, he doesn’t satisfy me in bed and I sometimes fantasise about sleeping with other guys. I’m 28 and he’s 32. We’ve been together for two years. I’ve always known I want kids and he said he did too. When he agreed to start trying, I imagined we’d move in together so we could have a proper home for our family. But that hasn’t happened. He doesn’t even want to talk about it - he always changes the subject. He says it will happen when the time is right. But surely if he wants a baby with me, that time is now? Sex with him has never been brilliant - he rushes it and he doesn’t make me orgasm like past boyfriends. However, it’s got worse since we’ve been attempting to get pregnant, as it feels like a chore. Sometimes I even wonder if I’m not getting pregnant because we’re not sexually compatible. I know sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship. He’s kind, funny and intelligent, and I’m sure he’ll make a great dad. But lately, I’ve been checking out other guys and imagining what it would be like to have sex with them - even though I’d never cheat.

No, sex isn’t everything but it is an important part of a relationship, and if you’re unhappy now, it’s only likely to get worse after you’ve had a baby. You’ll either end up feeling extremely resentful or cheating. Once you have a child, you’ll be tied to him forever. Splitting later would have a big impact on your child. So perhaps you need to stop trying to conceive, and sort out your relationship first. Ask him to be honest with you about why he won’t discuss moving in together. You could say you won’t try for a baby until you have your own place. Question his commitment to you and to a potential baby. Ask yourself if he’s really the right man for you. As for your sex life, show and tell him what you like in bed and see if things improve. Read my support pack, How To Thrill A Woman In Bed, and pass on some tips.

HEAT OF THE MOMENT

I told my ex to 'drop dead' and he died soon after

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27740215/partner-deceived-children-will-inheritence/

AFTER my partner died recently, I discovered that she deceived our children out of some money – and I am disgusted with her. I was going through some of her paperwork and I discovered a copy of her mother’s will. In it, her mother, who died 15 years ago, stipulated that she wanted our children to benefit from her estate. But I know for a fact that they didn’t receive any money. I am 71. My partner died six weeks ago. We were together for 28 years. She was 73. Her children are 44 and 42 and have young families of their own. I cannot believe my partner didn’t tell them they were beneficiaries. I know it would have made a difference to have received it. But my partner kept it all for herself. I loved her but this has thrown me. I have no idea what to do. I am wondering whether I should keep this information to myself.

It is possible the bequests were overlooked, due to ignorance of the legal need to carry out what was in the will, or it may have been deliberate, as you suspect. There is nothing to be gained by telling your children. It will only sour their memory of their mother. You have the chance to make amends by ensuring they now benefit from your will if she has left her estate to you.

HEAT OF THE MOMENT

I told my ex to 'drop dead' and he died soon after

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27724708/i-told-my-ex-to-drop-dead/

I CAN’T forgive myself after my ex died soon after I yelled “drop dead” at him. He was goading me that I was turning into my mother – he knew how to press my buttons – and those awful words came spilling out of my mouth. He suffered from a heart condition and as soon as I said those words, I wished I could take them back. He was 54 when he died, nine years ago. I’m now 61. Despite it being so long since he passed away, this memory still haunts me. How can I let go of these awful guilty feelings?

What you said was in the heat of the moment and you didn’t know what was ahead. Keep reminding yourself that you did not contribute to his death in any way. Think about your ex partner. Would he want you to carry around this guilt? My Bereavement support pack explains more about the grief you are experiencing. Bereavement charity sueryder.org offers six weeks of counselling so it’s worth checking out.

Dear Deidre

I uprooted my whole life for my fiancée - all while she was cheating

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27649613/fiancee-betrayed-me-uprooted-life/

After uprooting my whole life and moving to the other end of the country for my fiancée, I’ve discovered she has been cheating. I gave up my job and sold my flat to move in with her, and two months later she dumped me for another guy. I’m 30 and she’s 27. We’ve been together for four years and got engaged a year ago. We both grew sick of travelling back and forth every weekend to see each other, so eventually I agreed to move up to her home city, where all her friends and family are. I only did it because I loved her and was 100 per cent committed. Life was blissful for the first few weeks after I moved into her flat. But then she grew distant. She would come home late from work and be too tired to talk, or have sex. I was lonely and miserable, which made things worse. She accused me of being clingy and we argued. Then, a couple of weeks ago, she said she didn’t think things were working out between us. I was devastated and begged her to reconsider. I didn’t imagine there might be someone else. The following day, while she was at work, I looked at her social media and found a picture of her with another guy. When I confronted her, she said she was sorry, but meeting him had made her see us being together was a mistake. I’m now staying in a hostel and trying to win her back, but it seems hopeless. I feel betrayed and angry. How could she let me move when she didn’t love me?

She has behaved very selfishly and she shows immaturity. Perhaps it wasn’t until you moved that she realised the relationship wasn’t right. Or maybe she’s running scared from commitment. Whatever her reason, you gave up an awful lot for her. The least she owes you is to sit down and be honest. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to have this conversation frankly and productively. If you both discuss trying again, please don’t be tempted to move straight back. Take your time and don’t allow yourself to be taken for granted. Or you might prefer to go back home where you have friends and support, and can rebuild your life. My support pack, Mending A Broken Heart, should help you deal with your pain.

SO SAD

I feel left out after my housemates have decided to move out and buy a flat together

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27524718/housemates-buy-flat-together/

TWO of my housemates are buying a flat together and moving out, and I feel left behind. My four friends and I have lived together happily for five years and, even though I’m pleased for them, I’m also jealous and sad about it. I’m a 26-year-old single guy, and they are both 27 and in a couple. The four of us have shared the same house since we graduated from university. We all get on so well. We cook together, watch movies and have parties. It is like real-life Friends. Everybody does the housework and pays their share of the bills on time – which I know doesn’t happen in a lot of house shares. But my two friends have said they feel it is time to live as a couple. They are both in high-paying jobs and have been saving, so can afford to get a mortgage. My job isn’t well-paid and I can’t save anything, so I don’t know when I will ever be able to buy a flat. Now, my other housemate and I have to move out of our house and rent somewhere cheaper, or we need to find two strangers to be new housemates. Things won’t be the same. I have been single for years and I can’t see that changing. Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck at one stage in my life, while everyone else is moving on to another. It is really getting me down.

Fearing change is natural, especially when you are content with your life. But nothing stays the same forever and sometimes, when change is forced upon us, it makes us look for new opportunities. Discuss what you want to do with your remaining housemate. Perhaps you two can advertise for, and interview, potential housemates together. You may find new friends – and you can still keep in touch with the others. If you are unhappy being single, my support pack Finding The Right Partner might be helpful.

On and off

My partner comes in and out of my life like a yo-yo

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27528062/partner-in-and-out-life/

After more than twenty years together, my partner has met a new woman, and now comes in and out of my life like a yo-yo. While I know I deserve much better, I don’t know how I’d manage without him so I put up with this unsettling situation. I’m 50, my partner is 54 and until a few months ago we had a happy relationship. Everything changed when out of nowhere he packed a bag and told me he was going to stay with a friend. The next day I heard a female voice on the phone and realised this friend was, in fact, another woman. Since then our relationship has turned into a constant toxic back and forth. One minute he’s living with her and ignoring me, the next he’s at my front door begging for forgiveness. The insecurity I feel is wrecking my mental health. I can’t stand the idea of them together, but the thought of letting him go tears me apart.

You still love him, even though he treats you so badly. However, you need to remind yourself that if he really cared for you, he would not come and go when it suits him.

Dear Deidre

My wife's been having sex with a man our son's age & I'm not sure I can forgive

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27484744/wifes-toy-boy-same-age-son/

My wife was having an affair with a man the same age as our son. She says it meant nothing and was only about sex but I’m not sure I can forgive the betrayal. I discovered she was cheating because I decided to take her to a show straight from work as a surprise. Waiting in a cafe over the road from her office, I saw her walking out the front of the building. I was about to stand up and greet her when I saw her turn and kiss a much younger man very intensely on the mouth. He looked the same age as our 21-year-old lad and I’ve since discovered he’s a new colleague, aged 22. I froze and didn’t know whether to confront them or wait until they noticed me. I ended up going to the pub to try to get my head straight. A couple of pints later I went home and confronted my wife. She was so surprised and admitted that they had been having a sexual affair — but swears she is not in love with him. I am 48 and my wife is 46. We have been married for 18 years and have two children, aged 15 and 21. I have found the past few years very difficult with my job. I’ve been pretty low and know it was hard work for my wife. The surprise tickets were about me showing her I still appreciated her. My intentions backfired as I wanted to show her I was trying to shake off my mood and have fun. She insists she has no feelings for this man but I am not sure where I go from here. I don’t really have anyone I can confide in.

If she is determined to commit again to your marriage, then you may want to give her a second chance. But you will both need to deal with how this has affected your relationship and what went wrong. You admit you have been low and depression can have a huge impact on marriages and families, although this is no excuse for cheating. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains how to rebuild your relationship and where to get help. A couples counsellor can help too. Check out tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) which has counsellors who will be able to look at depression in relationships.

Wife's losing streak

Gambling destroyed my relationship

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27484746/gambling-destroyed-my-relationship/

After an on-off relationship lasting 15 years, my partner has recently split up with me. Her gambling habit has finally destroyed our relationship. Even though we are apart, she still gets in touch asking me for money on an almost weekly basis. She gives me false hope that we may be in a good enough place to get back together. But in the background, her son and the daughter we had together both tell me it’s not a good idea because of all the arguments. It created a terrible atmosphere in the house. I am a man of 47 and she is 45. Her son is seven and our daughter is 15. I know that until she deals with her gambling, we will fall back into the same unhealthy patterns. She has huge debts and I’ve got myself in financial trouble trying to help her. I know I might sound like a mug, but at the slightest hint that she is getting better and dealing with her demons I am ready to move back in a heartbeat. But when I am really honest with myself, I can see that she is actually still in total denial about her addiction.

Gambling puts a terrible strain on relationships. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Major beer brand placed into administration & staff 'made redundant' You’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster and while I am sorry your relationship has now ended, nothing will improve while she denies she has an addiction. Only she can decide to get help. You can’t do it for her. She is a bad role model for her children, too. They can feel isolated, angry and depressed by what is happening and will need reassurance. Please contact familylives.org.uk for guidance. Find help at gamcare.org.uk (0808 8020 133). My support packs Gambling Problems and Solving Debt Problems may be useful to you.

Teen crush

The boy I like is giving me mixed messages

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27563536/boy-like-mixed-messages/

The boy I have a crush on is acting so weirdly. I’m really confused. When I told him I liked him, he started ignoring me. But now he keeps staring and waving - yet he still won’t talk to me. We’re both 15 and in the same class at school. I’ve fancied him for ages, so one day I plucked up the courage to say I liked him. After that, he avoided me and I was really hurt. I’ve been trying to get over him. But now whenever he sees me, he stares at me for an uncomfortably long time. And the other day he waved at me from the bus. What is going on? Does he like me or not?

It sounds like he was embarrassed. Now, he either wants you to know he feels the same but is too shy to say. Or he might just miss the attention and want to make sure you don’t forget him. He sounds immature and inexperienced. If you still like him, you could try talking to him again. My support pack, Learning To Love, might help.

Thief

My ex-partner stole my late mother's jewellery

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27601799/ex-partner-stole-late-mothers-jewellery/

After we split, my ex-partner stole some of my late mother’s jewellery from me. He also took various home appliances and my laptop before he moved out. Now he’s refusing to give anything back, saying that he paid for it, which isn’t true. I can prove I bought items like the laptop as I have receipts. The jewellery was left to me in my mum’s will. I’m a 39-year-old woman and my ex is 42. We were a couple for 15 years and purchased a house together, but drifted apart. We agreed to separate and, before I knew it, he was off with my belongings. He earns more than I do, but I’m left trying to pay the mortgage by myself so I can’t afford to replace what he took. I’m so angry, particularly about my mum’s jewellery. It’s rightfully mine. Can I take him to court?

You may be able to, particularly about the jewellery, because you can prove that these things were left to you. However, if you got to keep the house, he may argue that the cost of appliances does not compare with the property. Before you go in all guns blazing, you would be wise to seek legal advice. You can get free support from Rights of Women at rightsofwomen.org.uk (020 7251 6577). This family law charity helps women affected by divorce and separation, as well as domestic and sexual violence.

Amicable

I'm supporting my ex, but he repays me by being nasty

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27484749/supporting-ex-but-repays-me-nasty/

I thought I was doing the right thing by helping my ex with his shopping and chores, even though we split a year ago. We were together for a decade and he had various health issues. I’m a woman of 62 and my former partner is 73. Over the last two years his health has deteriorated considerably and he’s started to take it out on me. He has accused me of all sorts, including flirting with a paramedic when I had to call them out. He has even started to blame me for his worsening condition, telling me that I’ve made him ill. These days he rarely goes out, so I help him when I can. But he keeps messaging me saying I’m selfish and cold-hearted. This situation is making me so depressed and I’m struggling to get out of bed in the morning.

I’m sorry that your ex, who you have continued to support, repays your kindness with such nasty and abusive comments. Of course you are not to blame for his worsening health. He sounds frustrated but it is completely unacceptable that he takes that out on you. It is important to make your own health and wellbeing a priority. Have a chat with your doctor if you continue to be depressed. He is being abusive and if he doesn’t stop, for your own health you do need to think about withdrawing from him. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help.

Dear Deidre

I was shocked to find that my hubby was sexting his ex amid my battle with ADHD

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27593277/husband-sexting-ex-adhd/

We had been struggling for years because he felt shut out by me and frustrated by my inability to make a decision on anything. When we finally got confirmation I had ADHD it explained why I was so often distracted and trapped in cycles of procrastination. I am 37, he is 39 and we have been together for 12 years. We have two daughters, aged six and nine, and because I can be forgetful, a lot of the family logistics fall to my husband. It’s been hard for him and I didn’t see how unhappy he was. We started to look at coping strategies and I really thought we were working together to improve things. So I was completely blindsided to find that he has been messaging his ex for nearly a year. A lot of the recent messages were sexual, which shocked me — he’s never been so explicit with me. But it was his messages telling her she made him the ­happiest he has ever been that have broken me. He says he was lonely and trying to connect with someone because he didn’t feel he could talk to me, but that explanation doesn’t feel enough. He has apologised and thinks he’s depressed. He wants to fix things and is adamant that he wants me. I can consider giving us another chance but I don’t know how to begin to trust him again. I want to constantly check his phone, laptop and social media.

You understand why your husband felt isolated and cut off from you. When we are low, and depressed, it’s common to busy ourselves in other activities and, of course, sexting and an emotional affair provide the perfect distraction. If you both want to strengthen your relationship, keep talking and being honest – in time the trust will return. Your diagnosis and the new strategies you have put in place will take time to establish. If things do not improve, consider couples counselling, which you can arrange at tavistockrelationships.org. You can also find support for your ADHD through Addiss (addiss.co.uk, 0208 952 2800).

Dear Deidre

I suspected wife was cheating but never dreamed she would have lesbian affair

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27524157/wife-cheating-lesbian-affair/

I NEVER dreamed that my wife would have an affair with another woman. Although I suspected she was cheating, I didn’t know she was a lesbian. I’m devastated. I’m 48 and she’s 46. We’ve been married for 19 years and have two teenage children. Over the past few years, since the pandemic, our relationship has been difficult. We both started working from home and found it claustrophobic. Our sex life, which was already on the wane, died almost entirely. When I tried to talk to her about it, she said it was normal after so long together. In retrospect, I think that was just an excuse. I had my suspicions when she started going out a lot in the evenings and being cagey with her phone. As she’d changed all her passwords, I had no way of seeing her messages. I put up with it for months until, one night, I decided to follow her into town. I felt ridiculous and hoped I was wrong, that she was just meeting some friends. She went into a bar and I waited outside. Through the window, I saw her sitting with a woman I didn’t recognise. For a moment, I was relieved. I was ready to turn around and go home when they started kissing. Their hands were all over each other. And then I realised that it was a gay bar. I was so shocked, I started shaking. I’m avoiding her now because I don’t know what to say. I feel like I don’t know who she is any more and that my whole marriage was a lie.

Catching your wife cheating, especially when you had no idea she liked women, has left you reeling. But sexuality isn’t black and white. While it’s possible she has always fancied women, this could also be about exploring her sexuality, or perhaps she’s fallen for this particular woman. It doesn’t mean she’s never been interested in you and, of course, doesn’t excuse the fact she’s cheated on you. You deserve the truth so, as difficult as it will be, ask her to be honest with you about this affair and this woman. This is the only way you’ll learn if you want to try to repair your marriage, or even if it’s viable. Counselling, both alone and together, if she agrees, will help you come to terms with this and your feelings about it. See my Counselling support pack for more information.

Sexuality

I'm a straight man, but I have a burning desire for feminine men

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27528063/straight-man-desire-feminine-men/

Until recently I considered myself to be a straight man and only ever had eyes for women. Yet now I’m finding myself attracted to feminine men, and I can’t quite wrap my head around it. I’m a 36-year-old single man and until now I had never questioned my sexuality. All my relationships have been with women, and while I’ve always been sexually open, the thought of being with a man had never crossed my mind. Yet over the past few weeks, I’ve started to experience some conflicting feelings after seeing videos of feminine men online. From their mannerisms to their makeup and long painted nails, I was drawn to them. While I’d never found men attractive before, I suddenly felt a burning desire like never before. Ever since I’ve not been able to get the thought out of my head and I’m struggling to understand where these feelings have come from. I’ve even had several very sexy dreams, which have troubled me.I am so confused. Does this mean that I could be gay?

For a lot of people, sexuality can be very fluid, and it’s not uncommon to be attracted to someone of your own gender at some point. While labelling yourself isn’t always helpful, it could be possible that you are bisexual. My support pack, Bisexual Questions, will help you think this through.If you want to talk through your feelings, contact Switchboard LGBT (0300 330 0630).

MY REGRET

I feel guilty for cheating on my partner online with woman from Azerbaijan

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27447347/i-feel-guilty-cheating-azerbaijan/

I WENT on a singles dating site during a bad patch in my relationship and met a lady from Azerbaijan, a pharmacist. We emailed regularly and I became very fond of her, until my partner found out. I am 72 and my partner is 66. We have been together for 25 years. She is a lovely lady but technically I am single, as we have never married. She was so upset, though, so I did agree to stop talking to this lady in Azerbaijan and feel I have done my best to sort things out. But my partner won’t let it drop and keeps saying I emotionally betrayed her. Recently, I have been diagnosed with dementia and I know it can cause irrational behaviour. Going online to this site was completely out of character for me – could this be related to my recent diagnosis? My partner has said she would have bet our house against the odds of me being unfaithful, but now she says I betrayed her. How can we move on?

You have caused her a lot of hurt but the damage is done. Whether you are married or not, you’ve been in a committed relationship for 25 years so you are hardly single. I’m certain your partner doesn’t see you as single either. An emotional affair can be just as painful as a sexual one. Going through a bad patch is no excuse to cheat but it does sound as though you acted out of character, possibly due to your dementia. Dementia can cause people to behave inappropriately, which can make those around them feel unsettled. Rather than fret about what’s done, apologise and focus on strengthening your relationship. It’s not easy to keep love feeling fresh but it can be done. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you both.

DRILLMASTER DAUGHTER 

My own child is taking over my life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27462520/my-daughter-is-taking-over-my-life/

While I recovered from an operation, I had to move in with my daughter – and now she is taking over. At 79, I may be a bit slower than I used to be but I’m mentally and physically able. Still, she has told me that I’m not well enough to move back into my flat and says that we must sell it. She’s always been so difficult. She’s 54 and has never been married. She lived with me until 45 and I forgot how awkward she could be. I want my independence back but my daughter says that’s not possible. She is a social worker but is the most horrible person I know. She gets in from work and demands dinner. Then by 9pm, she tells me I must go to bed. I have to pay for our shopping and now she wants my bank card, saying, “It’s better that I take care of it.” She has stopped me from seeing my friends because “they live too far away”. I don’t like living with her. She’s awful.

Unless your daughter has a genuine reason to believe you’re not safe to live alone, you should be able to go back home. Your letter is ringing loud alarm bells. I’m worried she is financially controlling you, if not abusing, and trying to isolate you. You need urgent help. Approach Hourglass (wearehourglass.org, 0808 808 8141) which offers free advice to anyone who believes an elderly person is being abused.

Size matters

My wife is desperate to sleep with a bigger man

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27528061/wife-desperate-sleep-bigger-man/

Ever since my wife complained about my penis size, things have been strained between us. Now I’m worried I’ll never be enough to satisfy her. I’m 46, my wife is 41 and we’ve been together for 13 years. It’s fair to say that my penis is on the small side. Even erect it doesn’t grow beyond four inches. While I know my size isn't ideal, I’ve never let it impact our sex life and my wife has never seemed to mind. From foreplay to toys, satisfying her has always been a top priority. Yet the other day, out of nowhere, she suddenly started talking about how much she wanted to sleep with a “big” man. When I questioned her, she said I was tiny, and that she wanted to remember what it felt like to have someone “hit the spot”. Since then she hasn't let it go. Every time we have sex she’s making comments and while I try to do my best, it never seems to be enough. On many occasions, I’ve asked her what I can do to please her, but she keeps brushing me off and refusing to talk about it. Not once has she offered me any kind of reassurance and it’s starting to get me down. All I want is to feel loved by her again, but I’m worried I’ll never be enough.

Your wife’s comments sound clumsy and unkind. Try to remember that size isn’t the secret to a female orgasm. Only a minority of women can climax through intercourse alone. However, you deserve to feel loved and desired by your partner, and so this needs to be addressed. Tell your wife how you feel, highlighting how hurtful she has been. Explain that if she refuses to work through this then realistically your marriage is on the line. Consider some relationship counselling. You can find this through Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975). If you’re still struggling with low self-esteem, my support pack Penis Size can help.

SWITCHED OFF

My wife has gone off sex completely - she says she hates the way she looks

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27447349/my-wife-has-gone-off-sex/

A SWITCH has been turned off in my wife’s head, she says, and it’s made her go off sex completely. She has a bad back and takes painkillers, but is still mobile. I’m 59 and my wife’s 58. We’ve been married for almost 30 years. I work full-time and do most of the cleaning around the house. My wife likes cooking and gardening, which she says is relaxing and helps with her mental health. When we have had sex in the past, she told me she enjoyed it but had to force herself to do it. I tell her how much I love her and how attractive she. But she hates the way she looks. She’s slightly overweight but I think she is beautiful. I’ve tried to encourage her to see her doctor but it falls on deaf ears. I am at a loss as to what else to do.

You are naturally upset to think your wife “forces herself” to have sex, even though she enjoyed it. Although the phrase “forces herself” is strong, what she is describing is natural, as our sexual relationships evolve in long- term partnerships. We transition from spontaneous desire to responsive desire, where we all need physical intimacy before feeling aroused. Reassure her how much you still desire her, but don’t pressure her. It’s common for women to lose interest in sex during menopause and this may be a cause. My Menopause support pack explains more.

MONEY MATTER

My husband is ruining our relationship with his poor financial decisions

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27524454/husband-poor-financial-decisions/

MY husband is hopeless with money, and it is ruining our relationship. He keeps borrowing money from me, which he never pays back, and I feel anxious and resentful. I’m 38, he’s 40 and we have been married for seven years. I knew he had lots of credit card debts when we met but he has a good job, and I thought he had sorted it. Yet every few weeks, he asks me to lend him money for essentials like petrol. He promises to pay me back, but never quite manages to. The other day, I totted up everything I had lent him over the past year, and it came to over a thousand pounds. He does pay his share of the mortgage and bills, and for food – when he can – but I don’t know what he does with his salary. It is eating into my savings. He has no savings at all. I lie awake at night worrying about the future. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Inside David and Victoria Beckham's stunning new £60m Miami mansion But when I try talking to him about it, he gets defensive and I feel bad.

Your husband isn’t being fair or frank with you. If he has debts you don’t know about, or a secret spending habit, he needs to tell you, so you can sort this out together. Sit him down and say you need to talk. Ask him to be honest and say you want to help him budget. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you have this conversation. My packs on Family Finances and Solving Debt Problems should also be helpful.

Cash down

My best friend has accused me of stealing from her

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27462518/best-friend-accused-me-stealing/

I have been accused of stealing money from my best friend’s home while I was looking after her cats. It was not me. I’m a woman aged 61 and she is 60. Our mums were mates when we started school years ago. We have been there for each other through our weddings, christenings, my divorce and my friend’s bereavement. We’ve nursed one another through operations and illnesses and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her, or that she wouldn’t do for me. I always look after her cats when she goes on holiday. It isn’t a problem for me at all, but when my friend called me yesterday, I was so shocked. She said she’d had £200 in a biscuit tin in the kitchen and it had disappeared. I said to her, “Well, who do you think has taken it?” and she answered, “My son says that the finger obviously points towards you.” Horrified, I said, “I can’t believe you’d think that of me” and I hung up. I don’t know what to do about it, but I do know I’m innocent.

This must make you feel so unappreciated when I know that your friend means the world to you. Rather than go silent, which could look more suspicious, make contact and do everything to face this issue. Go and see your friend and tell her you want to sort this out. Ask whether you could go for a walk together and get a coffee somewhere. Explain to her that you would never take any money from her and ask her to believe you. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help. Ask who else has a key to her home. Has she had people working on her house recently? Offer to help her search her kitchen again in case it has been mislaid. If she still doesn’t believe you, suggest that she calls the police.

SCARY WORLD

I am petrified of World War Three and do not want my kids to go near big crowds

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27435325/petrified-of-world-war-three/

REPORTS of a possible World War Three are keeping me awake at night. The constant updates of murder and crime makes me feel sick to my stomach. And I dread the news coming on. I’m a 53-year-old man and have two ­children in their teens. I’ve started to discourage my kids from going outside unless it’s daylight, to stay away from big crowds and avoid being anywhere alone. How can I help myself get past this?

It can be distressing when you read about the atrocities happening across the world, especially if you are constantly hooked up to news updates. Disabling constant updates and deciding to only listen to, or read the news once a day can really help lower stress levels. It’s important to remember we live in the UK, which is a relatively safe country. While crime is inevitable, it’s highly unlikely to happen to you. My support pack about stress has plenty more advice that will help you.

GO WITHOUT

My fiancé won’t have sex and I’m convinced it’s because I have put on weight

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27435332/fiance-wont-have-sex-with-me/

MY fiancé won’t have sex with me and I’m convinced it’s because I have put on some weight. We are both 40. He has always said a relationship is more than sex but we haven’t been intimate in months. Whenever I try to initiate sex he will refuse with no explanation, or say he’s too tired and go to sleep. I’ve put on a few pounds recently and it seems that our sex life got worse as soon as this happened. He has denied it but won’t talk about it either. He even said I can either go without it, or we split up. I’m not sure what to do any more. How can I solve this issue?

It is not realistic for him to expect you to put up with a sexless relationship. Worse, if he won’t speak about this, then things aren’t going to improve. Tell him you need to understand what is going on but if things still remain the same then you have a decision to make. As brutal as he was, his summary was spot on.

Dear Deidre

I suspected my wife was cheating on me with a man, the truth was doubly worse

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27416445/caught-wife-sex-two-different-men/

When a friend told me my wife was cheating on me, I set out to trap her. So I deliberately came home early from work one day — and found her in bed having sex with two men. I’m so shocked and angry I haven’t spoken to her for more than a week. I’m 42 and she’s 39. We’ve been married for ten years. I suspected she might be playing away for months but didn’t want to believe it. There were lots of signs. She was secretive, unaffectionate and uncommunicative. Then a friend told me he needed to talk to me. He said he was sorry but thought I needed to know that he’d found my wife’s profile on a dating site. I was angry with him and told him he must be mistaken. But part of me knew he was telling the truth. I’m an HGV driver and often work away, which gives her plenty of opportunity to have an affair. I should have confronted her then, but I didn’t have the courage. And anyway, she would probably have lied. So last week, I told her I was going away for three days, when I was only going for two. On the third day, I returned home in the middle of the afternoon.I heard noises from the bedroom above. Shaking, I went upstairs and opened the door, expecting to see her with a lover. To my shock, she was naked in bed with not just one, but two guys. I saw red and had to run downstairs and outside before I punched someone. Since then, I haven’t been able to look at my wife, let alone speak to her. She keeps apologising, but I am too full of rage and hurt. I don’t know what to do.

Shock and anger can often make it difficult to think straight. But avoiding your wife is just prolonging the pain and misery. This situation will not resolve itself. You do not say if you want to try to resolve this. But either way, now is the time to talk. She clearly wants to and she sounds contrite. Be honest with her about your feelings, tell her how let down you feel and ask her why she has decided to cheat. It will be hard to overcome the images of what you saw. But if you both want to rebuild trust and make your marriage work, it is possible with effort and time. My support pack Cheating, Can You Get Over It? will help. Also consider counselling for couples. You could arrange this through tavistockrelationships.org.

Ghosted

My ex was like Jekyll and Hyde

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27416448/my-ex-was-like-jekyll-and-hyde/

My ex was like Jekyll and Hyde – one day he was all over me, the next he’d disappear and ghost me for a few days before reappearing and being loving again. This went on for months until I finally had enough and broke up with him. But his behaviour still bothers me. I don’t understand what happened, and it’s left me confused and desperate for answers. I’m 24 and he’s 26. We’d spend a wonderful weekend together, and I’d feel I was falling in love and then he’d go missing for days. If I told him I was upset, he’d apologise profusely and give me excuses, like his brother had had an accident. I don’t know what was true. He kept promising to change and said he loved me, but always reverted to the same patterns. Sometimes, he didn’t drink at all. At other times, he clearly drank too much and didn’t eat properly. It was like being with two different people. And he always insisted on coming to my place. He never invited me to his. When my friends saw what a mess I was in, I realised I needed to end the relationship. He blocked me immediately. I need closure. What can I do?

You did the right thing by ending the relationship, as there was no future with this man. But your need for closure is natural. Unfortunately, you may never get the answers you crave. It is possible he may have been involved with someone else or it might just be that he is unstable. Whatever the answer, his behaviour repeatedly confirmed he was not capable of honesty or commitment. Talking to someone about your feelings would help you work through them. Think about counselling. Spend time with your friends and take a break from dating until you feel stronger. Read my support pack, Mend Your Broken Heart.

Ring ring

My girlfriend's ex texts her while we're having sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27462522/girlfriends-ex-texts-sex/

Although we have been together for seven months, my girlfriend constantly texts her ex. It’s causing endless fights. She is 27 and I’m a guy of 30. We met at a driving range where she was having a lesson and I was on a stag do. We hit it off in the clubhouse and started dating a couple of weeks later. She moved into my flat two months ago and since then I’ve been alarmed at how regularly she keeps in contact with her ex. He is a guy of 34 and they share a dog called Barney. Now, whenever I ask her about who she’s texting, she says, “I’m just checking up on Barney.” But do you really need to ask after a dog five or six times a day? I’m sure there is more to it. The texts come while we’re eating dinner, in bed, having sex. It ruins the mood when she grabs her phone. I’m fed up and wish they didn’t share a pet.

They may still share the dog but remember that their relationship is history. Tell her you find the constant texting upsetting and ask her to mute her phone during meals or when you are in bed, particularly when you are having sex. As a general rule, it is healthier to focus on the people in the room with you, rather than the barrage of notifications, updates and messages that demand attention via our phones. Agreeing some healthy boundaries will benefit you both. My support pack Relationship MOT will also help.

Dear Deidre

My girlfriend has replaced our sex life with boozing & I’m verging on ­affair

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27579981/girlfriend-sex-life-boozing-affair/

But recently the desire has ­disappeared — for her at least — and now I’m verging on an ­emotional affair with one of my regular lovers. I’m 35, my girlfriend is 34 and we’ve been together for more than five years. About two and a half years ago we decided to open up our ­relationship. I’ve had a couple of open ­relationships before and prefer them to monogamy so I was really pleased when my girlfriend was happy to try it with me. Within the first year she slept with plenty of other men and enjoyed telling me all about it. In return, I would also share news of my adventures with her. But over the past year we’ve barely had sex and when we do, she lies there hardly interested. All I can do is guess at the reasons why, as she won’t talk to me. We’ve both put on a bit of weight, partly due to us drinking more and partly because I injured my knees while running. I’m making a real effort to get fit and healthy again but I’m concerned because she is still drinking heavily. I’m worried she now has a problem. Whenever I try to discuss my concerns she brushes me off. I wonder if my weight gain and her drinking has killed her libido. Physical intimacy was so important to us before. I have been having regular sex with a friend. Now we’re both developing feelings and could easily start an emotional affair. My partner has always treated me well. We often have weekends away and expensive meals out but I miss her saying, “You look nice” and giving me a ­cuddle. What can I do to get our relationship back on track?

Don’t let your girlfriend fob you off. You need to get to the bottom of her lack of sex drive. Explain you miss the connection and are worried about her. While the open relationship worked for you before, you would be wise to put it on hold, at least while you sort out the underlying issues between you and your partner. If your girlfriend has put on weight she is likely to be feeling self- conscious about that and may be shying away from sex as a result. Also, although it’s widely believed that drinking alcohol increases sexual desire, arousal and pleasure, the truth is it actually lowers physiological arousal. We know drinking is also a depressant. In order to save your relationship you will both need to talk honestly about what is going on. I’m sending you my support packs Looking After Your Relationship and Problem Drinker to help you.

Friendly fees

Is it friends with benefits when I'm paying?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27484751/having-sex-behind-wifes-back-relief/

As long as my wife doesn’t become suspicious, I’ve decided having sex with another woman is the way to find relief. I’m 42 and my wife’s 39. We’ve been together for 15 years and have two boys, aged eight and six. My wife’s not interested in having sex. This has been a problem ever since we got married and had kids. I’ve tried talking to her numerous times. She says she’s not in the mood or not interested. So I’ve met a woman online. She wants me sexually and is willing to travel to see me. She’s suggested I buy gift cards so she can buy things for her children. She’s going to book a hotel room. I said I’ll meet when she sends a room confirmation so I know it’s genuine.

It may seem tempting but please don’t do this. Cheating won’t solve anything and could destroy your family life. Talk honestly to your wife. What has changed since she last enjoyed sex? Tell her how this lack of intimacy is making you feel and that your relationship is at risk. Ask her to discuss what you can both do to improve your relationship and in turn your sex life. My support pack Understanding Female Pleasure may help. It doesn’t matter how you or this other woman dress it up, paying for sex is prostitution.

Mental health

I'm drinking to cover up my crippling anxiety

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27416469/drinking-cover-crippling-anxiety/

I drink to blot out my fears. I’m struggling with life and just want to feel normal. I’m an 18-year-old girl and have felt anxious for years, since the first Covid lockdown. I thought things would get better once life went back to normal, but they haven’t. Every day, I wake up worrying. Sometimes I have panic attacks. I’ve stopped going out and I know I’m going to mess up my exams. Having a few drinks takes the edge off it. Except, then I sober up and feel much worse.

Many young people have had anxiety problems since Covid, and it’s good you have asked for help. If you can cut down, or even cut out the booze, and try to get out and exercise in the fresh air instead, you’ll feel far better than drinking. Please see your GP who can discuss options with you. Talk to themix.org.uk, which is for people aged under 25, and confide in your parents, if you can.

Thank you

You helped me after my Mum passed away

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27416471/you-helped-me-after-my-mum-passed-away/

After my mum died of cancer, I felt incredibly guilty.The last thing I said to her was: “Hurry up and die.” I didn’t mean it nastily, but I just couldn’t bear to see her suffer any longer. I’m 55. My mum was 80. I felt dreadful and believed that I had not done enough for her. Instead of being with her at the hospital as she neared the end, I had chosen to spend time with my wife and daughter. There was absolutely nobody I could admit this to, except you. You reassured me that I sounded like a caring and loving son, and I hadn’t done anything wrong. You said guilt was a common emotion in bereavement, whatever the circumstances. You sent me your Bereavement support pack and advised me to have counselling to help me work through my feelings. As you advised, I contacted Cruse Bereavement (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677), which was scary at first, as I find it hard to open up. I have begun speaking to a counsellor and it is helping. Thank you, for being there when I had nobody else to turn to.

Many men find it hard to show emotion or seek help. I hope that in time you are able to move on and think of all your happy memories.

DIFFERENT WOMAN

I dread going home to my grumpy, frigid, menopausal wife - what can I do?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27435334/i-dread-going-home-wife/

I DREAD going home to my grumpy, frigid, menopausal wife. She is 51 and I’m 54. Five years ago I used to look forward to seeing her every night. She would greet me with a smile and we would have lots of romantic nights. We would always cook together before heading up the stairs for great sex, but these days when I walk up the garden path, I hope she’ll be gone. Now she changes into pyjamas as soon as she’s home from work and watches mind-numbing soaps until it’s time to hit the hay. She used to be so chatty and ask me all about my day, but now she barely looks up from the TV. She’s no longer interested in any form of sexual contact. I’ve tried to speak to her about it, but she brushes everything off saying her sex drive has changed and I need to accept it. She doesn’t consider my needs at all. To make matters worse, she is always moaning that I don’t listen to her. Admittedly, there is some truth in this because she never has anything interesting to say any more. What can I do? Should I ride out the storm and hope she will change, or is this a lost cause? She’s not the bubbly, adventurous person I fell in love with. I don’t love the woman I see in front of me and I believe her actions show she feels the same way.

Your relationship has clearly moved out of the extended honeymoon period and you’re in the long-term maintenance stage now.It does sound like your wife is experiencing bad menopausal symptoms, which is affecting both of your lives.The menopause can affect a woman’s libido and how she feels about herself. None of this is your wife’s fault.Please talk to her and ask how she is feeling. Encourage her to see her doctor about possible hormonal changes as HRT could really improve her symptoms.My support pack on the menopause will help you understand more, how it affects your wife and what you can do to help her during this time.She may also be tired of sex in the same old way again. Ask her how she feels about your sex life and if there is anything she would like to adjust.My support pack Reviving A Woman’s Sex Drive has lots of ideas.

DEAR DEIDRE

My husband has cheated on me for more than 20 years and is still paying for sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27447345/husband-has-cheated-for-20-years/

MY husband has cheated on me for more than 20 years and even after he promised me it was over, I found he was still paying the same woman for sex. He has always lived a Peter Pan existence, never wanting to grow up and refusing to take on any real responsibility despite fathering our four children. I am 54 and he is 56. We have been married for 25 years and I’ve spent most of that time bringing up our now adult children alone, while he indulged himself elsewhere. I have spent years feeling lonely and miserable. After I discovered his affair five years ago, he promised me he had ended it. But he told me they would remain friends. She is a single mum with two children. And I found out through their messages that even after their affair officially ended he still paid her for sex. He is the breadwinner, and he’s always kept his spending a secret and given me a tiny budget to run the house. Sometimes he refuses to give me no allowance at all, saying I haven’t kept the house clean enough. He always has to be in complete control, with me doing exactly what he wants. He goads me into having arguments so he can walk out and spend weekends with his lover. I finally had enough and told his family how his behaviour was affect-ing me, but even then he tried to blame me. Privately, he told me I should have left him if I felt so unhappy. But he told his mum he loves me and wants our relationship to work. I am not sure how I feel because he is still in denial and won’t admit to my face what he has done.

It is difficult to see how you can rescue your relationship. Your husband hasn’t once apologised for his lengthy affair, paying for sex, or his abusive and controlling behaviour. Until he’s ready to admit his mistakes, genuinely apologise and make changes, there is no real relationship to rebuild. His track record shows he hasn’t put you or your marriage first and is unlikely to do so now. Still, whether you want to try and repair your relationship or go your separate ways, it would be useful to see a counsellor who can help you both deal with a challenging transition with dignity. My support packs Domestic Abuse and Thinking Of Divorce will help.

IN THE DARK

Husband won't discuss new career change plans which will hurt our finances

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27447343/husband-wont-discuss-career-change/

SUDDENLY my husband wants a major change in career and he hasn’t thought to talk to me about it. He works for a landscape gardening company but hopes to become a graphic designer and has enrolled a course. I have been supportive and helped him with the application but communication with me is zero. He will need to take out a student loan, which he only mentioned in passing. We had plans to add an extension to our home and had planned a big holiday. Now I’m not sure about any of this. I’m 41 and my husband’s 43. We have a daughter aged six. There have been plenty of times I’ve not been able to go on courses because of no childcare but he doesn’t seem to care. I feel invisible and unsure about what this all means for me. We are going to take a massive dent financially and I haven’t been included in the decision.

It is natural you feel overlooked. To you his decision seems to be spontaneous and irresponsible. It may be that he’s been thinking about this for some time, but felt you would object so kept it to himself. It’s a shame he didn’t feel able to discuss it with you first. Tell him how you feel and that you worry how you will cope financially. Be encouraging so he feels comfortable confiding in you. My support pack Looking After Your Relationship will help.

DEAR DEIDRE

I am trying to forgive husband's affair but his baby with lover is too much

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27435317/trying-to-forgive-husband-affair/

MY husband was having an affair for over a year but it isn’t the sex that has upset me the most, it’s the fact that he gave her what I’ve always wanted – a baby boy. We’re in our forties and have four beautiful daughters but I have always dreamt of one day having a son. If I’m honest, I ideally wanted two children — a boy and a girl — but kept on getting pregnant in the hope I’d have a son. So the fact this baby is a boy is devastating. I only discovered my husband was cheating when I bumped into his boss, who asked how I was coping with our new child. He commented that I was brave with now five kids, and every time he passed my husband’s desk with the five children’s photos he wondered how we got any sleep. I mentioned the strange encounter to my husband and, when he went white as a sheet, I knew there was a worrying explanation. He admitted to the affair and answered all of my questions. Now I can’t get the image of the two of them together out of my head. He claims he doesn’t want our marriage to be over and that we were a strong couple but I wasn’t meeting his sexual needs. I don’t understand why he didn’t have the decency to leave me and embark on a new relationship with someone else. In some ways our marriage does feel stronger now, as we’re really talking to each other, but I’m worried there is too much for me to forgive. If I choose to separate, though, we would suffer financially and our family dynamic would change for ever. I wasn’t involved in any of these major changes or choices, which maddens me. I don’t love him in the same way as I did before. Please help me.

Being hurt in this way is going to take a long time to get over. You need to rebuild the trust you had with him and this won’t happen overnight. He’s specified that he wasn’t happy with your sexual relationship so if you can face this and any other areas where either of you were unhappy, then there is a chance to strengthen your marriage. Ultimately, you have your four daughters to consider. And as upsetting as it is that he’s had a child outside of your marriage, do remember that this boy is completely innocent. You have an awful lot to unpack and I would recommend that you speak to a relationship counsellor together to work out how you can move forward. My support pack How Counselling Can Help explains more.