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Quick check

My OCD has taken over my life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28310724/my-ocd-has-taken-over-my-life/

Every time I leave my house, I have to turn around and check that I’ve closed it properly. And then I go back and check it all over again. I’ve been doing this for 30 years – it’s an obsession. I don’t understand why I do it, or how to stop. I’m a 43-year-old married man, with two children. I started obsessively checking the door, among other things, when I turned 13. I also have to check that the gas is off several times, that I haven’t left my keys behind and that the windows are closed. If I don’t do this, I feel panicky and unable to concentrate all day. I convince myself something bad will happen. I end up having to make an excuse and go home early from work to reassure myself. Please help me understand my behaviour and tell me how I can overcome it.

You’re perfectly sane. This behaviour, obsessively checking things, sounds very much like a type of obsessive compulsive disorder. This has blighted your life for too long. But help is available. My support packs on Overcoming Obsessions and Living With Anxiety will tell you who to contact. Get in touch with anxietyuk.org.uk (03444 775 774), which has information abut this disorder. It is also a good idea to make an appointment with your GP to ask about specialist counselling.

Dear Deidre

I can't orgasm during sex with my husband unless I fantasise about women

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28310721/orgasm-sex-husband-fantasise-women/

The only way I can properly enjoy sex with my husband is by fantasising about women – but I’m no lesbian. I would like to suggest asking another woman to join us in bed, but I know I’d be insanely jealous seeing him make love to someone else. I’m 30 and my husband is 32. We’ve been married for two years. Although I’ve always thought of myself as straight — I’ve never been intimate with a woman or even been attracted to one — I have always fantasised about women while self-pleasuring. I think it turns me on because it’s so taboo. I was brought up in a religious Catholic family. They’re repressed about sex and homophobic. I enjoy sex with my husband but he has never been able to make me climax — unless I picture myself doing it with another woman. He has no idea about my fantasies. But I have a feeling he’d be turned on by them, too. Part of me wants to ask another woman to join us in the bedroom so I can see whether I’d enjoy it in real life. But I don’t think I could cope with seeing him kiss or touch someone else, let alone have full sex. And I’m worried I might even prefer sex with the woman. I also wonder if this fantasy means I might be slightly bisexual. Could I have repressed these feelings all my life or could my sexuality have changed?

It is not uncommon for women to fantasise about sex with other women, even when they are not consciously attracted to the same sex. That’s because sexuality is not set in stone, but is more on a sliding scale. What’s more, we often fantasise about things that would shock us in real life because they are taboo. As you acknowledge, your repressed upbringing could be why you have this particular fantasy. But acting on fantasies isn’t necessarily a good idea, as they rarely live up to your imagination. Involving someone else could cause problems with your husband, especially if you are likely to feel jealous. And you may not be attracted to the woman who agrees, or enjoy sex with her. Instead, why not talk about your fantasies with your husband, which itself can be a real turn-on? Ask him for his. My support pack Sexual Fantasies explains more about this issue. The one on Orgasm For Women will help too.

First love

Are my children too young to be dating?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28333475/children-too-young-dating/

My teenage children are dating for the first time and I’m worried about what that might mean. The last thing I want is to be a controlling parent but I can’t help but worry that they’re too young. I’m a 49-year-old father to two kids. I have a daughter who is 14 and a son who is 15. Until a couple of months ago neither of them had ever shown any interest in dating. Of course, they’ve had innocent crushes over the years, but that was as far as it went. But now my son has a girlfriend of the same age and my daughter has just started dating someone in the year above. While I know they’re growing up, as their father I’m terrified they’re going to get hurt, or worse, start having sex. I’ve tried my best to talk to them about this, but every time I try to bring it up they always claim I don’t understand and tell me I’m being overprotective. My wife thinks I’m being ridiculous too, and says that I should have more trust in our kids but I remember all too well what it’s like to be a teen. No matter what I say they won’t listen to me, but I’m only trying to look out for them.

As parents, it’s only natural to want to protect your children from harm. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Inside David and Victoria Beckham's stunning new £60m Miami mansion Knowing how to navigate their first relationships can be difficult. It is an indication that they’re growing up after all. However, being overbearing will only cause them to be secretive and do things behind your back. The best thing you can do is let them know that they can talk to you about dating at any point without fear of judgement or criticism. I’m sending you my support pack on underage sex in case you need to have a conversation with them about consent and contraception. For further guidance, contact familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222).

Toxic relationship

I'm struggling to accept what my ex did to me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28333477/struggling-accept-ex-did-to-me/

After finally leaving a horrible relationship, I’m starting to see my ex for who he really is. Not only did he control and gaslit me for years, but he forced me to have sex with him too. I’m 34, my ex is 39 and we were together for four years. When we first met he love bombed me and made himself out to be the perfect man but by the time I was pregnant things became toxic. I was convinced that I loved him so it took me a long time to realise how bad things really were. He would control everything I did, from what I wore, where I went, to when and how we had sex. At the time I didn’t understand I could say no, and often would let him do what he wanted even if it hurt. Now I’m starting to accept what he did to me and I’m struggling to come to terms with it. Why didn’t I leave earlier? I feel like such a fool.

Please know that what your ex did to you was not your fault. Coming to terms with this can be incredibly difficult, and it’s important you talk to someone about what happened. You can find support through Rape Crisis who will take you seriously and who will understand (rapecrisis.org.uk, 0808 802 9999). You can then decide whether to report him too. He’s done it before and he will doubtless do it again. There may not be the evidence to take it to court but it could warn him and others.

No sleep

My insomnia has driven me to a breaking point

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28449481/insomnia-driven-me-breaking-point/

Not being able to sleep is pushing me to breaking point. I haven’t slept at all for two nights because my mind keeps whirring. I’m 32 and have had insomnia for months, but it’s never been as bad as this. I’ve tried everything - milky drinks, warm baths, herbal remedies - but nothing works. I feel exhausted, yet the second I lie down, my mind starts whirring. I think about everything from the news to books I’ve read, to things people have said, to lines in films. I am somehow managing to drag myself into work but I can barely function. Taking time off is impossible - my team is already too stretched, and I’m not owed any holiday. My partner is worried about me, but he’s at a loss too. I know if I go to the GP, they’ll just sign me off sick, and that will make work even more of a problem. I don’t want drugs as they’re addictive.

Not being able to sleep is not only distressing, it’s also very bad for your mental and physical health. I know you don’t want to see your GP, but it’s important that you do.Doctors rarely prescribe sleeping pills for insomnia now, except in limited doses. They may refer you to a sleep clinic, where you can get to the route of the issue and get help to overcome it. Talk to HR about having a few days off. Work stress won’t be helping.See my support pack about sleep problems.

Broken bones

Our love life died after my boyfriend broke his penis during sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28310726/love-life-died-boyfriend-broke-penis/

Since my boyfriend broke his penis during sex, our love life has been non-existent. He’s now smaller than he used to be and he doesn’t sexually satisfy me any more. We’re both really miserable. I’m 40 and he’s 42. We’ve been together for 11 years. Our sex life was great until three years ago, during vigorous lovemaking with me on top, something snapped. My boyfriend was in a lot of pain, and although his penis healed, it has been left curved and shorter. Although he can get an erection, he’s wary about sex and will only do it in the missionary position. I can never have an orgasm with him, because he’s smaller. I’ve asked him to see a doctor for an operation to get it extended, but he won’t.

The penis doesn’t contain a bone, yet it’s possible to “fracture” it and, left untreated, this can lead to curvature. Your boyfriend was traumatised by what happened, so is now wary. He may also be very self-conscious about his penis shape and size. His confidence won’t be helped by your suggestion he gets it extended. Great sex isn’t about size, but communication and intimacy. You need to reconnect sexually. Take intercourse off the menu for now. Concentrate on kissing and touching. Think about having Sex Therapy, and read my support pack on this.

Pints deep

Hidden beer bottles revealed my husband's addiction

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28287695/hidden-beer-bottles-husbands-addiction/

Empty wine and beer bottles hidden in weird cupboards all around the house tell me my husband is doing nothing to cut down his drinking. He has admitted he has a drink problem but he won’t get help. He reckons he can sort it out on his own but over the last couple of years things have become much worse. It is off the scale. I am 45 and my husband is 47. We have been together for 20 years. I have tried talking to him when he is sober but he won’t discuss it and becomes defensive. I have cried and shouted at him to show him how this affects me but nothing gets through to him. He is a different person when he is drunk and makes me do things of a sexual nature which I hate. If I don’t do what he wants, I get the silent treatment for days because he knows that affects me more than if he were to shout at me.

Nobody should be forced into doing anything sexually against their will. You are perfectly entitled to refuse, no matter how he behaves towards you afterwards. This is sexual assault under UK law. Being drunk is no defence and I would urge you to contact Rape Crisis for support (www.rapecrisis.org.uk, 0808 802 9999). My support pack Have You Been Raped? will help you to think this through. You can get support for his drinking also from Adfam (adfam.org.uk) who help the families of alcoholics.

EX STRESS

How do I tell my ex-wife that I'm still in love with her?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28287693/tell-ex-wife-love-her/

Even though my wife and I broke up two years ago, we kept in touch because of our children. After a year of being apart she had nowhere to stay. She’d been living with her parents and a few of her friends had put her up, but it hadn’t worked out so I offered her one of the rooms at my house, for rent, and she came back. I was so pleased because I’m still in love with her. Secretly, I hoped we could sort out our differences and get back together. I’m 39 and my wife’s 37. We’ve been married for eight years and have two boys aged six and four. She’s been renting out this room for just over a year. It’s amazing to have her living back at home. I’m still desperately in love with her but she keeps telling me she’s moved on. However I know for a fact that she acts and talks to her friends as if we’re still together. I have heard her on her phone and seen a few messages which back this up. I don’t know what to think. Should I wait for her to come around or just move on.

Tell your wife you love her and offer to go to counselling, ask what it would take for her to give your relationship another chance. But if she insists she has moved on, then there is not much you can do to make her change her mind. She may feel embarrassed about having to move in with you and wants her friends to think your relationship is back on track. The housing charity Shelter (shelter.org.uk) might be able to help you with advice on your specific situation. Please have a think about how this situation will be affecting your sons. If you are confused then they will be too. It would be good to talk this through with your wife. My support pack When Parents Fall Out explains more.

Dear Deidre

My boyfriend celebrated my pregnancy by having sex with someone else

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28287690/boyfriend-celebrated-pregnancy-sex/

My boyfriend went out to celebrate my pregnancy and had sex with another woman. I really thought he was looking forward to being a dad so I’ve been completely blindsided by the discovery that he went behind my back at what should have been a special time. I am 31 and my boyfriend is 33. We’ve been together for three years. He’s not my usual type and my friends even asked me what on earth I was doing when we began dating. Still, I loved his impulsivity and passion and fell for him. I was overjoyed when I discovered I was pregnant and hurt when soon after he became snappy with me. Then I realised he never let his phone out of his sight. So I followed my instinct and went through his phone to discover there were messages to and from another woman. They were absolutely filthy. When I confronted him he tried to justify his behaviour by saying we were on a break at the time – but the dates didn’t add up. I saw he’d been on three dates with her. The last one being a week after he knew about the baby. I left him and went to my parents, since then I’ve only seen him once when I popped back to our flat to get some belongings. I know I will never forgive or probably forget. I simply don’t trust him. I am the product of parents staying together for the sake of the children - it was miserable. I don’t want history to repeat itself. He has put no effort in to try and sort this out.

To find out your boyfriend, someone you thought you had a future with cheated on you will understandably hurt. You are right that, while trying to sort out a relationship for the sake of children is a very good reason, it is not enough to stay together, unless both partners are doing their best to improve their connection. Now you need to decide whether it is possible to rebuild the intimacy and trust between you, or if you’d be better off ending it. Please talk to your partner and ask him to be completely honest with you – if you believe he’s capable of that. Nothing will excuse his behaviour but if you part, he will still have a legal obligation to provide for his child financially. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you decide.

Relationship worries

Is my new Romanian girlfriend scamming me?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28287696/romanian-girlfriend-genuine-scammer/

A girl I met online says she wants to be with me but I am really torn. She lives in Romania and is studying at university. I am a 25-year-old man and she is 21. We only met three months ago and have been talking every day since. We have even talked about the future and being together, something she says she really wants. What concerns me though is that she is now asking for more money than I can afford on my salary as a call-centre agent for a big insurance company. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was just a couple of hundred pounds but she is asking for thousands, money I simply don’t have. I don’t want to let her down as I really like her but my friends keep telling me it is a scam. I am torn as I want to help her but I don’t want to get hurt in the process.

Your friends could well be right, so please do be wary. I’m afraid I do get plenty of emails from people who have been romance scammed in this way. You have never met face to face, which is an essential part of getting to know someone. The internet is notorious for this kind of scam. It’s never a good idea to send money to someone you have only met online. You can get advice about internet scams through Action Fraud (actionfraud.police.uk/ , TEL: 0300 123 2040). My support pack Love Online explains more about the pitfalls of these kinds of relationships.

Dear Deidre

I want to start a family, but my wife can’t even commit to our marriage

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28265834/want-family-wife-cant-commit/

My dreams of becoming a dad and starting a family were blown out of the water, when my wife suggested instead that we should have sex with other people. Until that moment, I didn’t think anybody could burst our bubble, but her request to make our relationship an open one did exactly that. She’s 32 and I’m 35. She runs an online sales business, and I’m a maintenance engineer. We have known one another for eight years. Our sex life is good and she’s more adventurous than I am. We have enough sex toys to open a shop and sometimes when I get home, she’s dressed provocatively and ready for me to jump into bed with her. Two weeks ago, she asked me whether she could bring a guy from our local pub back for a threesome. It blindsided me so I said no. I told her I didn’t want to be put on the spot. I don’t want those messy situations for me. I’ve witnessed a couple of friends’ relationships fall apart after threesomes. My brother’s partner has just had a baby girl and she’s so special. Even as a bloke, I felt broody and wanted a kid for us. I’d decided to suggest she stop taking The Pill but she caught me off-guard again by suggesting, “How about trying more of an open marriage? I’d be happy if you practised safe sex.” I was horrified. Telling me to cheat is her way of deflecting the attention away from herself. It’s clear that if I find sex elsewhere, she’ll hook up with this guy from the pub. I took our vows seriously but she doesn’t seem bothered about me anymore.

There’s something missing from your wife’s point of view but if she doesn’t tell you what it is, how can you improve things? She may be missing the thrill of feeling she’s doing something naughty. But her request to open your relationship is a huge step and requires you both to cross a very big boundary. You’re not comfortable so don’t fit in with her plans. Does she want to stay in a committed marriage with you, or continue with this hedonistic lifestyle? She can’t have both. It would crucify you to agree with what she’s suggesting. If she’s staying but feels unhappy, seek support from a sex and relationship counsellor to see if you can move forward COSRT (COSRT.org) can help you find a reputable therapist.

AT ODDS

My partner's smoking habit has me questioning our entire relationship

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28265842/partners-dirty-habit-question-relationship/

My partner, who is a fitness freak, has taken up smoking once more. It’s triggering for me because I lost my mum to cancer and she smoked all her life. My partner is 38 and when we met, she told me she used to smoke. I’m 41 and I own a gym so I know how important it is to look after yourself and how bad smoking is - doesn’t everyone? We go running together. If she’d been a smoker when we met, our relationship wouldn’t have gone the distance but I thought her smoking days were behind her. She went out with some friends three weeks ago. When she came back, I could smell cigarettes. I called her out on it and she shrugged and said, “I just fancied a cigarette”. She’s now smoking regularly. I’ve seen them in her handbag. Our sex life has taken a dive because I can’t bear the stench of stale tobacco. Is this the end for us?

It depends on how strongly you feel about her and how committed she is to smoking. Find a moment when you are both calm and ask her whether anything is worrying or stressing her because you’re concerned she is putting her health at risk. Tell her you love her and you want to enjoy the intimacy you once shared but her smoking again is changing how you feel about intimacy. My support pack called Giving Up Smoking will help direct her to organisations that can help her to kick the habit.

SELFISH CHOICES

Mum walked out when we were kids - we are still dealing with it

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28253429/mum-walked-out-when-kids/

MY mum is a force of nature – and a destructive one at that. She walked out on my brother and I without a trace when we were 13 and 12 respectively, leaving our dad for someone else. She reappeared two years later for a short period but then vanished again for years. My dad did a good job of protecting us and keeping us on the straight and narrow. This caused problems between my dad and my mum’s side of the family. Amazingly, my brother and I always felt close to Mum’s relatives but recently we have discovered she has been telling them lies and those relationships are also becoming very strained. I’m now 42, a married man with two daughters. It always felt important to spend time with Mum’s family, I suppose I liked that connection on some level. I thought our aunts, and uncles would alway sympathise with us after everything she has put us through, but recently they have been putting pressure on us to rekindle a relationship with her. Their attitude has hurt my brother and I, especially as we have learned our mother has been telling everyone that she has no children. It feels like we are being blamed for her selfish choices. Our mum is never going to change so what can we do?

You had a tough start in life and what a sad situation this is. Not only did your mother abandon you, but her family is also siding with her, so this must feel like yet more loss and rejection to cope with. Unless your mum can acknowledge her past actions, a reconciliation seems almost impossible. Accepting that she is unlikely to change might be the hardest thing you will do. You will find understanding support through standalone.org.uk, who help adults estranged from family members.

DEAR DEIDRE

My husband has run off with lover the same age as our eldest daughter

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28253420/my-husband-left-with-lover/

MY husband has moved into our motorhome and won’t tell me where he is. I’m convinced he is using it to have sex with his lover who is the same age as our eldest daughter. It is a bitter pill to swallow as we had so many happy family memories in the motorhome taking our children all around Europe. I am 46 and my husband is 48. We have been together for almost 25 years and have two daughters aged 23 and 21. In the past he has messaged other women and ran up debts with no explanation. He always made excuses that sounded believable and stupidly I fell for them all. My suspicions began when he started taking the motorhome out for “day trips” on his own — a new development. Then I came across paperwork for a loan he had taken out. He denied he was cheating for months, saying I was paranoid. But when I overheard him on the phone with a woman in the garden shed, the game was up. It turned out he has been seeing her for over a year, since just after my mum died suddenly and our youngest was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. The day that I learned the truth, he moved into the motorhome and left. Now he refuses to tell me where he is. He says I am controlling and possessive. I imagine he is living with this woman and enjoying his life. I am really struggling to come to terms with his behaviour. I really feel worthless at the moment and just want to sit and cry. It has been six months since he left and I still feel so low.

Your husband has treated you appallingly, blamed you and left with no explanation. For now, take it a day at a time and try to look after yourself. He is running away from reality, from your daughter’s disease, your bereavement and, it seems, your relationship breakdown. While you can’t force him to step up, you can work towards understanding what you need and making your own plans, whether that means separating or becoming more independent. Your husband will have to face the music sooner or later. Lean on your friends and find comfort wherever you can. My support pack Male Mid-Life Crisis can help you make sense of his reckless behaviour.

FINAL STRAW

My boyfriend's 12-year-old daughter is badly behaved and driving us apart

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28253426/boyfriends-daughter-driving-us-apart/

AS soon as I moved in with my boyfriend the cracks in our relationship began to show. We had been together for just over a year when we started to live together. I’m 32 and my boyfriend’s 34. Before the move I got on well with his 12-year-old daughter who he has full custody of. But over the last few months she has started to turn on me, as well as her dad. I knew she was verbally abusive towards her dad, swears and steals money from him but I hoped we would be able to maintain a friendly relationship. Her behaviour is so awful it has taken its toll on me and my depression is suffering as a result. Now my partner and I argue non-stop about her and the final straw came when she stole my money. She denied it at first and then both my partner and his daughter blamed me for it all. I ended up moving out temporarily. A week later he asked me to go back but in secret. He doesn’t want the rest of his family to know because of the awful arguments we had. I have this gut feeling he’s just leading me on. I feel used.

It’s tough for kids when their parents split up. His daughter is faced with the new set up and competing for her dad’s attention. She shouldn’t get away with this sort of behaviour. If you decide to stay with him you need to agree boundaries. My support pack on stepfamilies will help. You cannot stay a secret forever. Trust your gut instinct and don’t be fobbed off.

NO INTIMACY

Anxious husband blames me for his sex and erection problems

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28243301/anxious-husband-blames-me-erection/

MY husband blames me for our boring sex life. We’re both in our early sixties and have been ­married for 30 years. We’ve always had an active sex life until recently, when I began suffering from vaginal dryness. I went on HRT, and things got back on track until my husband lost his erection and couldn’t get it back. He says it is my fault because he’s now anxious about my previous issue. I’m able to bring myself to an orgasm, but I miss our intimacy. I’m lucky if I get a kiss goodnight as most nights I get into bed and he simply turns away. I love him. What can I do?

It does sound like your husband’s anxiety is causing this issue. Let him know that blaming you isn’t helping and see if you can have a supportive conversation. This will also reassure him. It’s also important that he visits his GP to rule out any underlying medical conditions. My support pack Erection Problems explains more about why he may be struggling.

TAKING ADVANTAGE

My family know I earn well and are constantly asking me for handouts

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28243305/family-constantly-asking-handouts/

MY family constantly asks me for financial handouts. I’m a lawyer in my thirties. My parents and I have had a rocky relationship throughout my life. They are the opposite of me and have always claimed benefits, refused to work and often made us homeless as they refused to pay rent. By the time I was a teenage lad, social services had placed me with another family member and they became my rock and my safe space. During my studies at university, a guest lecturer spoke about how she’d cut off her family but then got back into contact with them. This inspired me to try to re-establish contact with my own family. However, I did try to put firm boundaries in place when I did this. But ever since I started talking to them again all my parents have done is ask me for money. I do earn a decent living but I’ve always downplayed that, making clear that I only just manage to cover my monthly bills. Rather than say “no” to their multiple requests, I usually just say I don’t have any spare cash. I believe my parents and siblings may have discovered that I earn more than I’d told them, as they have made it clear that they don’t believe me when I say I’m skint. I’m not tight, but I know that if I help them I’ll get into financial trouble and they’ll drag me down with them. What can I do to stop them asking me for cash?

You’ve been through a lot and should be proud of your success. But it’s time to tell your parents and siblings the truth, otherwise this issue will fester. Firmly explain that you want to be in their lives but can’t start propping everyone up financially. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help you when it comes to talking to them. They may ask you at a later date for money again but you must stick to your decision. My support pack Family Finances may be of help to your family as it has tips on how to manage finances. This could assist them with debts they may have.

First time

My girlfriend friend zoned me after our first kiss

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28226861/kiss-ruin-my-relationship/

After we kissed properly for the first time, my girlfriend said she just wants to be friends. Now I’m scared I’ve ruined everything and I want to punch myself for being such an idiot. We’re both 13 and we’ve been dating for three months. Neither of us had had a boyfriend or girlfriend before. We’ve been taking it really slowly, just holding hands and kissing on the lips. But at the weekend, we had a long kissing session that got quite heated. She seemed a bit tense after. Later she texted to say she isn’t ready for anything serious and wants to be mates instead. How can I get her to change her mind?

It sounds like she got scared. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you. But if she’s not ready for a relationship, you need to respect her decision. You can’t change her mind for her. Tell her you understand and didn’t mean to upset her. She might want to give things a go again in the future, but don’t count on it. My support pack, Learning to Love, should help you.

DEAR DEIDRE

My husband cheated with his golf partner who is 20 years younger than me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28243302/husband-cheated-with-golf-partner/

MY husband left me high and dry for his golfing partner. We’re both in our fifties, and his new girlfriend is 30. We’d never had any issues until one day I realised he was going off to play golf much more frequently than he used to. He and his work friends would go twice a week after the office, but then it got to the point where he was playing so often that I was lucky if I got to see him after work at all. I was caught completely off- guard one day when I came home to find all his belongings were gone and a note on the kitchen table explaining he’d fallen in love with a woman he’d met at the driving range. It turns out she worked there while my partner and his buddies had been going to the course. She later began joining them for their games, and at some point my husband started an affair with her, despite the fact that she was also in a relationship. Now I’m facing a new reality without the man I love. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and we had a great life together. I feel sure this other woman is simply after his money. He drives a new Range Rover and is always dressed well. And as for him, it’s clear he’s enjoying his younger bit of rough. I keep picturing him realising that he’s made a big mistake and coming back to me, but after nine months there is little sign of that happening. My life has been torn apart by this woman, and I don’t know how I’m going to recover and start my life over again.

You will be going through a whole range of emotions after this sudden break-up. It’s natural to ruminate and hope that he will return and be regretful. But as you say, nine months have passed and there is very little sign of your ex coming back. We can’t force someone to regain feelings that have disappeared. As hard as it will be to begin with, it seems you would be far better off putting your energies into moving forward with your life. There is a time to cry and rail against how badly you have been treated, but there is also a time to start putting things back together. Confide in friends and family about how you are feeling and, when you are feeling stronger, take the opportunity to get out again. When you are ready join new clubs and socialise once more, making new friends will help you enjoy all that life has to offer. My support pack, Moving On, will help you.

Dear Deidre

Husband's condom wrapper shows he cheated - but he insists he 'bottled it'

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28203064/husbands-suitcase-true-colours/

I’ve lost all trust in my husband after finding an opened condom wrapper in his suitcase after he returned from a work trip. He says he ‘bottled it’ and didn’t actually do the dirty with this other woman on a work trip but I can’t look at him the same, and moving on from this feels impossible. I’m 40, he’s 44 and we have been together for 15 years. A couple of months ago he started a new job as a marketing consultant which meant he’d frequently be travelling around the country for work. While it took a while to adjust to his new work commitments, I was excited for him and had no worries about him being away. Yet a couple of weeks ago I was unpacking his suitcase when I discovered an opened silver wrapper in the pocket of one of his work trousers. My heart sank. Since I’m on the pill and we have unprotected sex, I knew exactly what that meant. He'd never given me a reason not to trust him, so I was taken completely off guard. I had no time to process before my husband walked in the room and saw what I had found. He wasted no time before he was begging me for forgiveness. He admitted that while he’d had a few too many drinks and things had gone too far with a woman he was working with when push came to shove he couldn’t go through with it. He promised me that they didn’t have sex, and it was a huge lapse of judgement. I could see that he was genuinely sorry and while I was heartbroken, I chose to stay and work through it. Since then I’ve been struggling to move past it and things between us have felt strained. The last thing I want is to give up on him, but I am honestly devastated. Where do I go from here?

Whether he went through with it or not, your husband has broken your trust, and that will take time to rebuild. While it’s normal to struggle after a betrayal, if you suffer in silence nothing will improve. It’s essential that you talk to your husband and explain what’s been on your mind. If you don’t, things will only fester and you’ll ultimately feel worse. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? shows how you can work together to be stronger than before. You could also benefit from some relationship counselling. You can find support via tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).

Dear Deidre

I opened up to my mother-in-law in more ways than one

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28226851/opened-up-mother-in-law/

Men make jokes about their mothers-in-law, but I am cheating on my wife with mine. I know it’s wrong and yet I can’t stop. I’m 44 and my wife is 36. My mother-in-law is 57. When I first met my wife, 15 years ago, I remarked to a friend that I’d lucked out. They say if you want to know what your partner will look like when she gets older, look at her mother - and hers was a stunner. But I was madly in love - and lust - with my wife then. I’d see my mother-in-law at family gatherings. I made her laugh. But my wife didn’t get on with her well. Fast forward 15 years, and my wife and I now have two teenage children and have fallen out of love. We rarely have sex and we bicker all the time. Last month, my mother-in-law, who is now widowed, came to stay. I work from home, so we chatted a lot. When my wife went to bed early, we had a few drinks together. She said she’d noticed we didn’t seem as happy, and asked if she could help. I opened up and, to my surprise, she said she’d always thought I was too good for my wife. She said if I were her husband, she’d treat me a lot better. Somehow a hug turned into a kiss, which turned into a passionate fumble on the sofa. We pulled away but, the next night, it happened again and this time we had full sex on the living room floor. It was such a terrible thing to do, it made it even more thrilling. Since then, we’ve been having sex every day while my wife is out at work, and the kids are at school. She’s going home soon, and although I feel guilty, I don’t want to stop this affair.

If you’re looking for permission to carry on, you won’t find it here. This isn’t just cheating on your wife, it’s a double betrayal. They may not get on, but your mother-in-law is still her mother. If she finds out, she will be more than devastated. It will tear the family apart. You must put a stop to this. If you’re unhappily married then talk to your wife and either work on your marriage, or decide to split. My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should help.

LET DOWN

My best friend couldn't care less about my big career break

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28265836/best-friend-couldnt-care-career-break/

My best friend couldn’t care less that I’ve got a big gig as a backing singer with a famous band. It’s a big deal for me and I’m buzzing but why isn’t she happy for me? She’s always been like this and I’m not sure why. Singing is my number one love and she is an arty person so I always try to show an interest in her pursuits. I’ve been to a couple of her exhibitions and I always ask about what she’s working on. We text most days and when we meet up, we have such a laugh but she never asks about my singing or even wishes me luck if I’ve got an audition coming up. Friends that I’m less close to have come to watch me sing and they always take an interest but my bestie refuses to acknowledge that this is my vocation. We are both 38 and we’ve been friends since we met at college where I was doing a music degree and she was studying English. Both of us have partners and we make an effort to meet up at least every couple of months - but she never asks about my music. It’s making me question our friendship.

First of all, congratulations on your gig. I’m sorry your friend doesn’t have the same enthusiasm which is likely down to jealousy or envy. You were together at college so perhaps she figured you’d be on the same success trajectory. She doesn’t acknowledge your achievements which says more about her than it does about you. Perhaps she sees you as more successful and is struggling with that perception, believing she can’t achieve the same satisfaction. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Inside David and Victoria Beckham's stunning new £60m Miami mansion Or perhaps she’s worried your music will take you away from your friendship. If you value your friendship, you can continue to enjoy it as it is, or you can call her out on it. My support pack called Standing Up For Yourself will help you with this conversation.

Dear Deidre

I'm worried my no-strings-attached lover is being unfaithful

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28182668/worried-lover-unfaithful/

I’m having incredible sex in a friends with benefits relationship, but I’m not sure she’s being honest with me. I’d love to become official with her but she rents a room in a house and I suspect she is sleeping with one of her housemates. We’ve been having a ‘no strings’ relationship for six months. I’m 34 and she’s 30. We met at my local pub and what started as a one-night stand developed into regular drinks and sex. She said from the start that she doesn’t want a relationship or anything serious. I was happy with that at first, but I’ver really started to fall for her. She’s interesting, kind and great company, not to mention gorgeous - and we have fun together. Sex with her is amazing. She’s adventurous and energetic, and she wants to do it several times a night. I’ve got a high sex drive, and my previous lovers have always found me too demanding. But she never wants me to come back to her place. She always says she’d prefer to stay at mine. And often, she’s not available when I message to meet up. I think it’s because of her housemate. He’s older - 50 - and owns the house she lives in. I’ve met him a couple of times. He’s not very friendly to me, and I can tell by the way he looks at her that he fancies her. She talks about him a lot and says he’s a great landlord. When I asked if anything was going on between them, she laughed and said she hoped I wasn’t getting jealous and possessive. How can I be sure she’s not having sex with him too? I don’t know if I trust her. Should I call it quits before I get hurt?

Friends with benefits arrangements only work if both partners are on the same page. It sounds like she only wants casual sex, but you are starting to want more from her. That’s making you feel insecure. It’s hard to know if she is sleeping with her housemate, or if that’s just your jealousy talking. Unfortunately, she’s made no commitment to you, so you can’t expect her to be faithful. However, you do deserve honesty. Ask her straight out, and perhaps admit that you’ve developed feelings. At least you’ll know where you stand. My support pack Understanding Jealousy will help you. It might be better to walk away now, rather than get your heart broken later.

Threatened

My ex-girlfriend's false accusation has ruined my sex life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28182670/ex-girlfriends-accusation-ruined-sex-life/

I was falsely accused of rape by my ex girlfriend and, since then, I can’t ejaculate. I have no problem reaching orgasm when I masturbate. but during intercourse with a woman, I never get there. I’m 32 and single, since I split with my ex, 34. She accused me of rape after I broke up with her, as she wanted revenge. Even though the charges were dropped because there was no evidence, it almost ruined my life and cost me several friendships. Since then, I’ve started dating again but I’ve lost all my confidence. I used to love sex and - if anything - I had to hold myself back. Now, I have the opposite problem. I’m seeing a lovely woman, 29, but the fact I can’t finish is ruining things. I can go on for hours with no result. She thinks it’s because I don’t fancy her enough. She doesn’t know about what happened with my ex, and I don’t want her to know. People always say there’s no smoke without fire. What should I do?

Being falsely accused of a serious crime like rape is devastating. It’s not surprising that it’s had a large effect on your confidence and on your ability to enjoy sex. Your inability to ejaculate is almost certainly a psychological problem. You’re not allowing yourself to let go. Talking to someone would really help. Contact FASO (www.false-allegations.org.uk, 03335 779377), who help people who’ve been falsely accused. Do open up to your girlfriend if you can and think about having counselling.

BILLS FEAR

My OCD is causing me to totally panic after paying energy bill late

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28243298/ocd-paying-energy-bill-late/

I AM terrified that my utilities company will cut me off.I’m single and in my ­fifties. I’ve been living on my own since I broke up with my girlfriend. Recently, I missed an energy bill. When I realised the money hadn’t gone from my bank, I quickly paid it off but my anxiety has gone through the roof. I’ve always suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety, but since I’ve been single it has got worse. I cannot control my anxious thoughts and I’m terrified the energy firm will cut me off without warning. I would sooner go hungry than miss a payment again – even by an hour. Anxiety is now affecting my sleep. Life is beginning to feel like hell. How can I stop this?

I can reassure you, that you will not be cut off from your utilities without cause. It sounds like you pay your bills on time, which means you have nothing to worry about. My Anxiety support pack will help you and Anxiety UK also has information available.

Dear Deidre

I’m in too deep with married lover

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28163836/helping-site-manager-bargained-for/

The site manager at work stepped in to help me with a difficult employee and now we’ve started a fiery affair, but he’s a married man. I’m a woman of 30 and work in a call centre in the human resources department. One of our employees was a woman who didn’t get through her probation. I had the unwelcome task of telling her she was losing her job and as I escorted her from the premises she started hurling expletives at me. Thankfully the man in charge of the building stepped in and escorted her outside the security gates. I was upset but he was lovely and reassured me I’d done nothing wrong. He texted me later on to see how I was. We started text-flirting and I eventually asked if he wanted a drink by way of a thank you for intervening. A couple of nights later we found a nice pub and I bought a bottle of wine. He was so charming. He looked so sexy and I couldn’t believe I’d never noticed him before. He told me he was 41 and married but his relationship was awful. He said his wife was nasty and controlling. He walked me back to my flat later and he took me right to my front door. I invited him in for a drink but we both knew that a drink wasn’t needed. Within moments, we were kissing and taking each other’s clothes off. He was an incredible lover. My head was spinning. The next day he came back to my flat again. We’ve been seeing one another for months now. My friends tell me I’m crazy because he’s married. He says he’ll leave his wife but I don’t believe him. I know things won’t change but I can’t wean myself off him.

Your friends are right. Statistics prove that affairs rarely result in the mistress getting her man but inevitably at least one person gets hurt. It’s likely to be you. Right now, he is having his cake and eating it too - meeting you for sex then nipping off back to play happy families with his wife. Of course he may genuinely be in a controlling relationship, but he needs to sort that first before you can take him seriously. You’re worth more than having dead-end, no-strings sex with this guy. You deserve a loving, special relationship with a man who puts you at the top of their priorities. My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, explains more about these sorts of relationships.

Trust your gut

Do I give my abusive ex a chance to turn things around?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28182671/abusive-ex-chance/

My abusive ex is begging me for another chance to fix our relationship, but my gut is screaming ‘Don’t go back!’ I love and miss him so much but I don’t know whether I can really believe he’s changed. I’m 29 and he’s 31. We’ve been together for eight years. He’s been emotionally abusive throughout our relationship, putting me down and gaslighting me, and calling me horrible names. He’s also been occasionally violent - throwing plates and shoving me. A few weeks ago, I had enough. I was visiting my parents when I got a message from him, which was controlling and nasty. Something snapped in me. I WhatsApped him, saying I wasn’t ever coming home and it was over. I got a friend to go round and collect my stuff while he was at work. Since then he’s not stopped calling, texting, or sending presents. He promises he won’t ever be abusive again and says he can’t live without me. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused.

As much as you love and miss him, you should listen to your gut. He hasn’t changed. He’s just saying what he knows you need to hear because he wants you back. Real change takes time and effort. If he really wants to prove himself, refer him to the Freedom Programme, a course for abusive men (freedomprogramme.co.uk, tel:01942 262 270). Read my support pack, Abusive Partner, which provides information on organisations you can talk to. Stay strong and confide in your parents.

COST OF HAPPINESS

I love drinking and smoking but the cost is pushing me into debt

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28253428/love-drinking-and-smoking-cost/

HAPPINESS for me is a pint and a cigarette in a pub beer garden, and yet these habits are financially crippling me. I would love to be able to give up smoking at least but I have no willpower. After a big session I promise myself that I will stop smoking but as soon as I have a drink, I cave in. I am a 38-year-old single man. I keep saying to myself that I am not going to carry on like this but it never lasts. Each time I get paid my benefits I go out to the pub for “one pint” but it always turns in to four or five at least and I end up buying a packet of fags too. The cigarettes alone cost around £16 and last me three days at most. I would like to cut back on drinking so much but I think tackling the cigarettes first is more realistic. I am hooked. I need to stop as it is wasting my money and not doing me any good. Please help.

Realising you have a problem with alcohol and smoking is the first big step to getting help. Addictions usually mask depression. You have tried to stop but these are both hard habits to break. You are not doomed to a life of addiction but don’t struggle alone when there is help available. My support pack on Stopping Smoking shares effective methods to go cold turkey, and support that is available. Another, called Drink Problem?, explains self-help and where to get advice.

WORRIED SICK

My eating disorder has taken over my life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28226852/eating-disorder-taken-over-life/

Bulimia has blighted my life since I was a teenager, but I can’t get it under control. Now I’m terrified it will mean I’m unable to have children with my partner. I’m 30 and have been bingeing and then making myself sick since I was 13. My partner is 33. I first developed bulimia when I was bullied at school. It made me feel in control. Nobody realised for years until it started affecting my skin and teeth. But the doctor was hopeless - unsympathetic and dismissive. As a result, I haven’t dared to ask for medical help for my bulimia since. I did get better for a while but my urge to make myself vomit never goes away entirely. Every time I have to deal with any stress or upset, it starts again. I’ve also had depression and anxiety on and off, over the years. Two years ago, I met a wonderful man. He knows about my bulimia and has been very supportive. We want to get married and start a family. But I’m desperately worried that my eating disorder will mean that’s impossible. I have had problems with my periods, which stopped for a while and are now really irregular. He wants to be a dad so much and I dearly want to be a mum. What if I’ve ruined our chances? I know you’ll tell me to see a doctor but I really don’t want to.

Many women who’ve suffered from eating disorders, including bulimia, do go on to have healthy pregnancies. But it would be far better if you can get it under control before you think about trying to conceive - both for your sake and any potential baby’s. To do this, you need to understand what causes you to binge and vomit, so you can find healthier ways of dealing with your anxiety.My support pack about Eating Disorders will tell you more about where to get help. I understand your fear of seeing a doctor, but please talk to the charity Beat (beateatingdisorders.org.uk, tel: 0808 801 0677). They will understand and be sympathetic, and can give you information about pregnancy and eating disorders. Talk to your partner and ask for his support. Perhaps he can come to see a doctor with you, once you’re feeling stronger.

Divorce

How do I help my daughter after her marriage breakdown?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28163840/help-daughter-marriage-breakdown/

My daughter’s husband has told her their marriage is over and now he is bringing his new girlfriend back to their home. My daughter is devastated. This announcement came out of the blue. They’ve been married for 10 years and they have three children under the age of eight. She doesn’t work as she’s been bringing up the children. He is a police officer and the woman he’s been seeing is somebody he works with. He’s 38 and my daughter is 36. They have a little bit of equity in the house so he wants to sell up, but my daughter says that there won’t be enough money for her to buy a house of her own and she has to protect the children. She wants him to leave but he says he can’t afford to do that without selling the house as he can’t afford to rent privately. He has also cut back on the money he contributes to the household and said to my daughter, “You’d better get used to it”. She’s so unhappy. I’m her dad and I’m 60. How can I help her?

By being the loving and supportive dad and grandfather you’ve always been. That’s what good parents do. Help out with childcare if you can and be a good role model for the children if their father is distracted. Encourage your daughter to go out with her friends to get support from them. Your daughter needs some practical help to find out what she can do to keep a roof over their heads. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Inside David and Victoria Beckham's stunning new £60m Miami mansion She can get advice through Rights of Women (https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/ 020 7251 6577.) This organisation advises women affected by all kinds of family situations including domestic abuse, divorce and finances. Where the situation with her ex and his girlfriend is concerned, she’d benefit from reading my support pack called When Parents Fall Out.

Mourning

My best friend’s widower has moved on too fast

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28163842/social-media-prove-cheated/

I saw on social media that my best friend’s husband has a new girlfriend. My friend only passed away in February. I was devastated when she died. She was 52 and had a brain tumour. She died three months after her diagnosis, leaving us all in shock. My partner and I are both 53 and we’ve been supporting her husband. We helped with the funeral arrangements and made a pact that we’d go out for dinner together regularly. I don’t do social media but our daughter asked me whether I recognised my friend’s husband’s new girlfriend. He had stated that he was now ‘in a relationship’ with her. It’s too soon. It’s as if he was seeing this girlfriend before my friend died. We are meeting him for lunch next week. How do we address the elephant in the room when he’s not mentioned this to us?

It may feel too soon for you but people deal with grief in different ways. He may have been looking to forget the sadness for a while and this new relationship has brought him just that - an escape from reality. My support pack called Coping With Bereavement explains more. Go out to your planned lunch and if the opportunity arises, tell him that you understand he’s in a new relationship. Explain that you’re looking forward to meeting her. It may be difficult for him to talk about this when you two were so close so paving the way for a conversation may offer him a way through.

Relationship problems

I refuse to have another child with my toxic husband

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28151257/wont-have-baby-warring-husband/

When I said I didn’t want another baby until our relationship improves my partner went into a full-blown rage. He works away most of the time on the oil rigs. He is 38 and I’m 35. He’s a good dad when he’s here but most of the time, I feel like a single parent. I had postnatal depression after our little one was born and my partner only stayed a week at home. I was left to cope. He comes home and all he wants is sex. If I refuse him, I get the big sulk which can last days. He doesn’t trust me. If I arrange to go out while he’s away, he contacts my friends to check that I’m with them. He thinks I cheat on him but I don’t. It’s caused such arguments, so when he said he wanted a baby brother or sister for our toddler, I said no. I feel things between us are toxic right now. He loves our little boy but he doesn’t help me with DIY or general chores. I don’t think this is the right time to bring another baby into our family.

You’re right. A child deserves two loving parents, not two warring ones. People often think that a baby will paper over the cracks in a relationship but the stress caused with deprivation of sleep and a diminished bank balance can drive a wedge between the strongest of couples. Give a child the best start in life by making your relationship as good as it can be. Tell your partner that you need more emotional support and a better understanding about your sex life – when you say no, it doesn’t mean that you don’t love him. There’s no shame in asking for help so find couples counselling locally or contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk, 01455 883 300).

LET IT GO

I am terrified of my ex-wife's abusive family - I just want to move on

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28243304/terrified-ex-wife-abusive-family/

I AM terrified of my ex-wife’s family, who have verbally abused me and my new partner in public. I’ve been with my new girlfriend for nearly six months. I left my wife just under a year ago. Cheating isn’t my style but I was with my wife when I met my new partner. As soon as I realised our marriage wasn’t salvageable, I left. My ex and I are both in our forties and had been married since we were 21 but we hadn’t been happy for years. No matter what we did to try to fix things, nothing worked. I never wanted to leave but when I met my girlfriend it became apparent it was for the best. We met at work and we just clicked. She is beautiful, makes me laugh and I’ve never felt more in love. My wife quickly suspected I was attracted to her and constantly accused me of cheating with her, which wasn’t true. But now that we are in a relationship, I’m terrified of the consequences. My wife recently discovered we’re together and started sending me abusive texts calling me a liar and a cheat. It’s still ongoing and she has even been stalking me online as she will reference my social media posts in texts. Although I keep blocking the accounts she sets up, she always finds a way to access my profile. Her family are pretty wild and a ­couple of them have been in trouble with the police. Now that she’s bad mouthing me and my girlfriend, I’m worried about what they are capable of. Some of them have started yelling at me whenever they see me in the street. I have tried to handle the ending of my marriage in the best way possible, but I’m worried this will affect my relationship with my girlfriend. What should I do?

Your ex-partner is understandably upset that you have started a new relationship so soon after leaving her. However, this in no way excuses her abusive behaviour, or that of her family. Make sure you are recording all incidents as you might need them as evidence. And please get advice and help from the National Stalking Helpline (suzylamplugh.org, 0808 802 0300). This organisation is for anyone being harassed or feeling intimidated by another person’s behaviour. They help people who are unsure of what can be done concerning someone’s behaviour but do not want to go to the police.

Weight issues

My brother's gift made me the laughing stock of my family

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28151258/brothers-gift-laughing-stock/

I’ve had it with going to family events where my father and brother will be. They side with each other and gang up on me. I’m a woman of 37 and I’m the oldest of three with a brother and sister. I get along well with my sister and my mum but my brother is something else. He’s 34, single and still lives at home. He’s always been better at things than I am. He was better at sports and did better in his exams than I did. I always felt a letdown in comparison. Dad is 59 and is always making comments about my weight. I’ve become heavier since I had my two kids. My brother drinks a lot and he’s got a beer belly but Dad says nothing about him. At a barbecue last weekend it was my birthday, and my brother gave me bathroom scales as a gift. My dad and brother laughed their heads off when they could see how embarrassed I was.

Anybody would feel humiliated by being given that present. It was a cruel jibe and they are behaving more like school bullies than the men in your life who should look out for you. When you have a quiet moment, tell your father that you felt hurt and humiliated and it makes you not want to socialise with him or your brother. Get your mother and sister on side so that if they start on you again, they can step in to defend you.

Dear Deidre

My driving lessons with my friend's wife have gone too far

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28151255/cannot-resist-friends-wife/

My mate’s wife seduced me as I gave her a driving lesson. We ended up having sex in a woodland layby. My head is all over the place right now. I’m a fit guy of 36 and I work out at a boxing gym. My mate is 51 and he is a boxing coach. He’s been a friend of mine for ten years and I have great respect for him. He lost his driving licence recently due to having some sort of epileptic fit. We were all there for him and supported him. His wife is 40 and she’s been finding it difficult to get around as they live in a village with little public transport and she hadn’t ever learned to drive. Now they need her to learn, so they can use their car again.My friend asked me if I could take her out to practise driving at weekends and I was happy to oblige. We’d been out for a couple of lessons when she hit a rabbit in the road one evening. She was so shaken up I got her to pull over. My reassuring hug suddenly turned into a passionate kiss. We were both pretty hot under the collar and so when she suggested we go to a quieter area, and then pulled into a layby, I couldn’t help myself. We had sex in the back seat — it wasn’t the longest session I’ve had but it was the most intense. Afterwards she told me my mate hadn’t had sex with her for weeks because he’s been worried any excitement would bring on another seizure. We’ve had sex three times since, during her weekly lessons.I feel really bad but can’t help myself.

This arrangement doesn’t sit well with you, or you wouldn’t have written in. I’m afraid you’re paying lip service to “respecting” your friend. While he’s been worrying about his health, you’ve been betraying him. You may not have been the instigator but you’ve enjoyed every moment. Encourage this woman to help your friend and get clear support from his doctor. Tell her that you aren’t comfortable taking advantage of a friend’s wife and do the decent thing and end it. If you don’t, you stand to lose this friend altogether and potentially other friends along the way. My support pack called Your Lover Not Free explains the pitfalls about these sorts of relationships.

BOOK WORM

My husband is more interested in reading than having sex with me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28265845/husband-prefers-book-sex/

My husband read five chapters of his book after he told me he was too tired for sex. What was that all about? He works hard and travels with his job. He installs vending machines in shopping centres and gyms but he works nine to five normally. He left the other morning at six am and didn’t come home until seven that night. He told me he was seeing his boss. He insisted that he had a shower before dinner because he said he hadn’t had one in the morning. After dinner, I went to bed early and dressed up in my nicest lingerie because I wanted sex. He came upstairs and said, “Sorry love. I’m too tired”, but when he got his book out, I felt really rejected. I said, “Has your fancy woman worn you out?” and he yelled back, “If that’s what you think, that’s up to you”. Has he got somebody else? He’s 48 and I’m 45.

It doesn’t sound like it. Would you think about swinging from the chandelier if you’d had a long day at work and wanted to chill? He may have wanted to relax and reading is one of those calming things which helps. Tell him you love him and want to plan intimate time with him. OK, so it takes away the spontaneity but sometimes, a date in the diary will help you to reconnect. My support pack called Saving Your Sex Life has other tips to help too.

NOT LAUGHING

My wife says she is sick of my jokes - but I think she is miserable

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28124917/wife-sick-of-my-jokes/

I ALWAYS fancied myself as a bit of a comedian but lately it has become undeniable that my wife can’t stand my jokes. We’re in our 60s and have been married for 11 years. I’ve always been a prankster and while she is more serious than me, she used to go along with the joke and would even laugh along. But now she openly gets annoyed or upset whenever I joke around. When I took the hint and gave up the fun, she then asked, “Have you run out of jokes?” It seems to me that no matter what I do, I cannot get it right all of a sudden. She seems miserable all the time and yet I don’t know what I’ve done wrong.

It does sound like it’s time to talk things through. Ask your wife how she feels when you make jokes around her, then try to clarify and understand any boundaries that she wants to discuss. Also let her know how you’re starting to feel. My pack Looking After Your Relationship can help. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Inside David and Victoria Beckham's stunning new £60m Miami mansion

CRUEL TAUNT

My in-laws called me a gold-digger when all I want to do is grieve for partner

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28124912/in-laws-called-me-gold-digger/

MY in-laws have accused me of being a gold-digger. I was with my partner for 30 years until he passed away last year from cancer. Sadly, he spent his last few months in hospital. I am 63. I spent every day with him but right at the end I popped home for a shower. Devastatingly, by the time I got back he’d passed away. His family have since said that I didn’t care for him. They are demanding I pay for his headstone and interment, which I can’t afford. Now they say if there is any money left I don’t deserve it. This is taking a huge toll. What can I do?

You know the depth of the relationship that you and your partner shared and no one can take that away from you. Unmarried partners and partners who have not registered a civil partnership cannot inherit from each other unless there is a will. So you need to establish if your partner left a will and get advice urgently from your Local Citizens Advice Bureau.

Time to vote

Politics is killing my sex life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28182669/politics-is-killing-my-sex-life/

My husband has lost all interest in sex since the general election was announced. He checks his phone constantly for updates, and even brings it to bed to read the news under the covers in the middle of the night. I’m 38 and he’s 41. Until last October, we had a happy marriage and a normal sex life. He wasn’t even particularly interested in the news. But as the weeks went by, it took over all his free time. We don’t have any family or connections with the Conservatives, Labour or Lib Dems, and he doesn’t work in politics - he’s an accountant - so I don’t really understand why he’s become so obsessed with this. He just can’t stop doom scrolling. And when he isn’t watching or reading the news, he’s meeting local politicians and researching where they might be. We have nothing to talk about. It’s like he’s become an entirely different person. If I’m in the mood for sex and try to come on to him, he says he’s too tired. He doesn’t seem depressed and there’s nothing wrong with him physically. I really miss sex and feel so rejected. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he denies there’s a problem. The election is over a month away and I’m worried our sex life will never get back on track.

Your husband’s sudden obsession with politics, and his lack of interest in sex, are probably symptoms of a deeper unhappiness or emptiness. Perhaps he’s using the election to block something out, so he doesn’t have to deal with it. He could be suffering from anxiety. Try to get him to see his GP and reach out to the mental health charity Mind (mind.org.uk, tel: 0300 123 3393). My support pack on Obsessions would also be useful for you to read.As for your sex life, try talking to him again and saying how much you’re both missing out on. Read my support pack, Reviving a Man’s Sex Drive.

Dear Deidre

My wife’s secret snogs have killed our sex life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28109608/emotional-cheating-sex-life-flounder/

After finding out my wife had a three-year-long emotional affair with another man, we’ve worked hard to get our marriage back on track but our sex life is floundering. Although I have forgiven her, and we’ve worked on our relationship, any intimacy is virtually non-existent. I’m 42 and she’s 43. We’ve been married for 15 years and have two children. I learned about the ‘affair’ at Christmas, when my wife kept disappearing off to text her ‘lover’. I demanded to know what was going on and after she burst into tears, she admitted it all. He’s a guy, 38, who she used to work with. She said they were friends at first - which I didn’t mind - but then they both went on a business trip and grew closer. Our relationship wasn’t great at the time. I probably took her for granted and worked too much, letting her deal with the kids. Yet I do love her deeply and would never get involved with another woman. My wife is my best friend and my confidante. She said they only kissed and didn’t have full sex, which I do believe. She was extremely sorry. But it still hurts as much - or even more, perhaps - than if they actually had full sexual intercourse. I understand her reasons - he made her feel attractive and interesting - which I didn’t anymore. I have tried to change that. We’ve had counselling, talked a lot and are getting on well - except in the bedroom. She goes through the motions if I want sex, but doesn’t seem to enjoy it. That makes me start thinking about her ‘lover’, which puts me off too. I don’t know how to solve this issue and fear her affair has ruined our sex life forever. Is it time to call it quits?

You love your wife and have made an effort to repair your marriage, so it would be a shame to walk away now, rather than work on your intimacy. Clearly, your bedroom problems are rooted in her affair and its impact on you. Perhaps she feels guilty and can’t relax, or maybe she can sense you’re thinking about what happened. You both need to talk honestly about this. Stress how much you’re both missing out. If you don’t make progress then consider sex therapy as part of couples counselling. See my support pack Sex Therapy for more about this. The one on Saving Your Sex Life should also be helpful.

Thank you

When our sex life died, you helped us get our spark back

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28226860/helped-me-questioned-sexless-marriage/

When my husband’s low libido made me question our future together, I wrote to you for advice, Deidre. I wanted to have sex three or four times a week, but he needed to be coaxed into having it at all - which left me feeling undesirable, and like I was pressuring him. I’m 34 and he’s 37 - too young to be missing out of intimacy. The rest of our relationship was great, he was affectionate, and I was sure he wasn’t cheating. You sent me your support pack on Different Sex Drives and suggested I talk to him honestly about how this was affecting me. You asked me to consider compromising on having sex once a week, and scheduling this. And you said if things didn’t improve, we should see a sex therapist, referring me to the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk) for help. You even followed up to see how I was. Things are now much better. My husband admitted he’d been stressed, and he’s been opening up. As a result, he’s initiating sex more often and we’re both happier. Thank you!

I’m pleased things have improved. Stress can affect libido. Make sure your husband sees his GP if the stress worsens. 6349478961112

Revenge

I told my ex I didn't want to get back together – now she won’t let me see my kids

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28203066/ex-mistake-see-kids/

After falling back into bed with my ex, I told her I’d made a mistake and I didn’t want to get back together. Now she’s fallen pregnant again and is punishing me by refusing to let me see my son. All I want is to be present in my kids' lives, but she’s making it impossible. I’m 36 and she’s 34. We were with each other for five years and had one son together who is three. Throughout our relationship, she was controlling and manipulative. She rarely allowed me to go anywhere without checking on me or getting angry that I’d taken longer than she thought necessary. I tried for years to make things work but eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore and broke things off last year. While she didn’t take the break up well, we managed to stay amicable for the sake of our son. Then one day I bumped into her in a bar. We were both rather drunk and one thing led to another and we ended up going home together. I knew instantly that I’d made a huge mistake, but it was clear that she thought that it meant more. Since then she’s been punishing me by refusing to let me see my son. To make matters worse she recently broke the news that she had fallen pregnant again and that there was no doubt about it being mine. Despite all my efforts, she’s still refusing me any access and says I’ll never have anything to do with our unborn child either. I’m at a loss for what to do. Please help.

Your ex is selfish and is putting her desire for vengeance over the children’s welfare. Regardless of her feelings for you, keeping them from you is cruel and unfair. Please contact Families Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk, 0300 0300 363) who can help and offer legal advice. In the meantime, my support pack When Parents Fall Out explains more about kids’ feelings and needs in these situations.

Relationship problems

I've fallen head over heels for my unavailable friend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28203073/fallen-head-over-heels-unavailable-friend/

Although he’s in a happy relationship with another man, I’ve fallen head over heels for my male friend. I know that we’ll never be anything more, and while it’s painful to accept, I’d rather be in his life as a friend than nothing at all. I’m 25 and he’s 28 and we first met on the dating app Grindr. Although our chats were flirty initially, when we met things quickly changed into friendship. At the time we were both going through hardships and found comfort in confiding in each other. Ever since we’ve been great friends, but I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t hope that one day we’d eventually end up together when things aligned. However, a couple of months back he met someone else and they’ve been inseparable ever since. While I’ve tried my best to be happy for him, seeing him with someone else has been hard. The last thing I want is to lose him as a friend but these feelings are torturing me to the point where I can’t move on.

Liking someone unattainable - also known as unrequited love - really hurts. As hard as it may be right now, time is the biggest healer. While you don’t need to stop being friends, it would be best if you took some time away from him to work through your feelings. Remember that while he may not be The One, the right man for you is out there. My support pack Moving On will help you work through this.

Uninterested

No matter what I do, my fiancé will not have sex with me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28203069/finace-not-sex-me/

No matter what I do, my fiance is uninterested in sex and I’m starting to worry that he doesn’t fancy me anymore. I’m 35, he’s 42 and we’ve been together for four years. When we first started dating we had an amazing sex life, and sometimes it was hard for us to keep our hands off of each other. Yet over the last few years, things have slowed down and now it’s been months since we were last intimate. These days whenever I try to initiate sex he will refuse with no explanation, or say he’s too tired and go to sleep. I’ve tried everything to relight our spark. From buying toys to wearing sex lingerie, but he never seems interested. Every time I bring up the issue he either tries to deflect or tells me that I’m nagging him. The last thing I want to do is leave but at this point, I’m not sure what to do anymore. How can I solve this?

While it’s difficult not to take it personally when your partner goes off sex, it’s rare that it is because they no longer find you attractive. You need to pick a moment to talk to him again and try to get to the root cause of this problem. Could he be stressed or is he unhappy about any other aspect of your relationship? Tell him you need to understand what is going on but if things still remain the same then you have a decision to make. Read my support pack Different Sex Drives to help.

Teacher guidelines

I’m worried husband’s relationship with student is inappropriate

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28109612/worried-husband-sex-former-student/

I’m deeply concerned that my teacher husband is having an inappropriate relationship with a former student. They snapchat and he’s planning to meet her soon and I’m paranoid something sexual will happen. Although the girl is now 18, he taught her when she was 13 and always took a special interest in her problems. I’m 45 and my husband is 46. The girl has left school, and he doesn’t teach at that school anymore either. But she found him on social media and reconnected. Since then, they’ve been chatting almost daily. My husband hasn’t hidden the fact they’re in touch. He says that, just as he helped her deal with the fallout of her parents’ divorce as a child, he’s now helping her with other personal issues and university applications. I’ve read the messages, and he’s not lying about the content. He sees himself as her counsellor and mentor - a friendly uncle figure - but I don’t feel comfortable about it. I’m worried he may get into trouble as she was a student. But I’m even more worried that there’s something going on between them - or that it will soon be. She’s a very good looking girl and I’m sure he’s flattered that she is so enamoured by him. I’ve told him my concerns and he’s said I’m being ridiculous. However, she’s been sending him photos - just snaps of her face - and he’s always smiling to himself when he reads her messages. Am I overreacting?

You may have nothing to fear personally - it does sound like he is being honest about his intentions - but you are right to be concerned. Even though your husband is teaching at a different school and the girl is now an adult, he could still be jeopardising his career. He needs to be aware of how this might look to his employer, especially as he was once in a position of authority over her. He’s a lot older, and it could be seen as grooming. While there’s nothing wrong with a friendship between people with a large age gap, there is a power imbalance here. Talk to him again and explain this. Suggest he cuts back on contact and implore him not to meet her. You could talk in confidence to the NSPCC (nspcc.org.uk, tel: 0808 800 50000) about this issue.

DEAR DEIDRE

My fiancé has admitted threesome cheating sessions and says it is 'just sex'

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28124911/my-fiance-admitted-cheating-threesomes/

MY fiancé’s endless gym sessions were a cover-up for his threesomes. We’re in our thirties and have been together for nine years. When he proposed last year, my life finally felt complete. However, for the last few months he has been pushing me away and rejecting me. I felt anxious and confused and wondered if he didn’t love me any more. He has always been a real gym bunny, spending hours down the gym, but recently I noticed his sessions were lasting longer. However, rather than looking any fitter, he actually seemed to be losing definition. Then a friend who is a swinger told me she had seen him on a popular website. I laughed until I saw photos of his naked body on my laptop. At that moment, my world came crashing down. When I confronted him, he admitted he had met a female couple online and he’d been ­having regular threesomes with them. As if that wasn’t enough to digest, he also admitted he had been having a virtual affair with a woman in Italy. He even showed me the naked pictures they had exchanged.I was horrified. He insists he doesn’t know why he behaves this way, as he loves me and wants to be with me. He tells me it’s “only” sex, but I feel disgusted. I torture myself worrying about what it is that I am lacking. I’m considering moving out of our home, as there is no relationship without trust. He has apologised and said I deserve better, yet he’s made it clear that he has no intention of fighting for our relationship. I don’t know what to do. I love him, and want to make this work somehow.

It sounds as if your fiancé may be addicted to sex. He’s having intercourse with multiple partners and shows no remorse for the hurt he is causing you. I’m sorry, but you would be very unwise to go ahead with this relationship, let alone marry this man, unless he commits to understanding and making up for all his betrayals. Unless he is willing to fight for your relationship, it is unlikely that things will change. He might need help for his addiction and pivotalrecovery.org would be able to support him. If he is unwilling to take this step, please put yourself first. My support pack Mend Your Broken Heart will help you move on. Whether you decide to stay or not, it is essential you get a health check. Please talk to your doctor or contact a sexual health clinic via nhs.uk.

HELP HER

My daughter is being bullied at school after taking an interest in politics

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28124920/daughter-bullied-school-interest-politics/

MY daughter’s email to a politician has led to her getting bullied in school. She’s in Year 11 and has always wanted to make a difference in the world, which is how she began taking an interest in politics. I’ve always been so proud of her interest in current political affairs. Unlike other teenagers, she has been unaffected by social media trends and it’s stood her in good stead with her studies. She has written plenty of campaigning emails but her latest one to our MP about the crumbling concrete ­crisis in schools has led to a nasty ­bullying campaign against her. She’d spent hours learning about it and composing her email. When she told her friends, they told her she needed to get a life and it was embarrassing. They even told her no one cared. Since then, whenever she’s gone to sit with them at lunch or in the school playground, they’ve just walked away, calling her names. She’s always felt different from them because they spend all their time watching and making TikTok videos, which doesn’t interest her. She doesn’t even have an account on the app. At the moment, she’s concerned about the concrete crisis and the Ukraine war. She’s passionate about helping any displaced Ukrainians and has donated to various charities and even organised a small bake sale at school to help raise money. She hasn’t asked for help yet, but I know she needs it. I’m beginning to feel desperate. How can I help her?

It’s fantastic that your daughter has a keen interest in politics as this passion could lead to a brilliant career. Her friends may not be able to appreciate her but she can still genuinely make a positive impact on the world. Encourage her to stick to her ­interests and perhaps even join clubs and groups that will encourage her dedicated campaigning spirit. There should be a non-bullying policy at her school. Your daughter is a teenager so it’s better to involve her in any plan. With her permission, I would recommend you speak to her teacher or head teacher to give them the opportunity to set this right. If they don’t, then go to the board of governors and, if you need to, your local education authority if things start to escalate further. My support pack on bullying has more information if you need it.

Up and gone

I'm confused after my ex dumped me over text

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28109615/confused-ex-dumped-text/

My ex ended our relationship out of the blue - and by text. I’m so confused and upset. We’re supposed to be going to a gig together next month - I bought expensive tickets for us - and I messaged her about it, but she ignored me. I’m 19 and she’s 18. We were together for three years. I loved her so much and she hasn’t explained what went wrong. In fact, just two weeks before she dumped me she sent me an amazing birthday card saying I was the love of her life. She didn’t seem at all unhappy or tell me anything was wrong, and I don’t think there’s anyone else on the scene. What should I do?

Finishing your relationship by text was unfair and hurtful. You have to assume she’s not coming to the gig now. Offer the ticket to a friend instead. Perhaps in time she will explain her reasons, but, sadly, you may never get the closure you need. She may not fully understand herself. Concentrate on mending your broken heart. My support pack about this will help, as will the one about Moving On.

Unfaithful

My paranoia is driving my girlfriend away from me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28109613/paranoia-driving-girlfriend-away/

Even though I know my partner is faithful, I am paranoid she’s cheating on me. Nothing she does or says stops me being insecure, and it’s ruining our relationship. I don’t want to be this person. I’m 34 and she’s 30. We’ve been together for eight years. She’s kind, affectionate, a great listener, and she’s never done anything to hurt me - but I am still insanely jealous. Every time she goes out without me I am convinced she’s with another guy. I check her social media, go through her handbag and, when she gets home, I even sniff her clothes to make sure I can’t smell another man’s aftershave. My constant messages about where she is, who she’s with and what she’s doing are driving her away. She’s told me she can’t cope with it anymore. She says she can’t prove she’s innocent, when she hasn’t done anything. She says I need to learn to trust her or there’s no future for us. But I know she’s the woman I want to be with, marry and have kids with. The thought of losing her because of my stupid jealousy terrifies me. How can I change?

Usually extreme jealousy stems from a past experience. Perhaps a previous girlfriend cheated on you, or maybe you were betrayed or abandoned by someone close, when you were a child. Getting to the root of this will help you to understand your jealousy, and then find ways to deal with your feelings. My support pack, Dealing With Jealousy, explains more and tells you where to go for help. Tell your girlfriend you are scared of losing her, you’re getting help to change and want her support.

Thank you

You helped me tell my husband about my sexual assault

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28109618/helped-me-husband-sexual-assault/

Many years ago, as a teenager, I was raped. Traumatically, it was the first time I had sexual intercourse, I got pregnant and had to have an abortion. Years later I got married but I couldn’t bring myself to tell my husband about it, still it always affected our sex life - he once accused me of being ‘frigid’. I’m 50 and he’s 53. The assault happened when I was 18, a few years before we met. I somehow dealt with it until I found out he’d been unfaithful early on in our marriage. It left me feeling so alone, unattractive and betrayed. He said it meant nothing and couldn’t understand why I was so angry and upset. You advised me to get rape counselling - assuring me it wasn’t too late. You sent me your support packs about Sexual Assault and about Counselling. You also said I should try to be honest with my husband about what I’d been through. I followed your advice and opened up to him. He was horrified and upset, but also very supportive. It’s really helped to bring us closer and I wish I’d told him sooner. Thank you Deidre.

Talking to your husband about this must have been incredibly hard. I’m so pleased you’ve managed to share the pain with him and become closer in the process. I hope things continue to improve for you.

Dear Deidre

I cheated on my husband with a female Thai masseuse and I still feel so guilty

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28083086/dream-thai-holiday-nightmares/

Six years on and the guilt of being unfaithful to my husband still keeps me up at night. It’s got to the point where I feel the only way out is to tell him the truth. I’m 35 and he’s 37 and we’ve been married for seven years. Apart from this we’ve always been open and honest with each other. This as far as I know is the only fly in the ointment. When my friends first suggested booking a holiday to Thailand together I was so excited. It had been on my bucket list since I could remember. From visiting historical temples to swimming with elephants, there was plenty I wanted to do and see. This also included trying a traditional Thai massage. A friend had raved about how relaxing and therapeutic they were, so when I saw that it was available at our hotel I jumped at the chance. To say that I enjoyed it would be an understatement. While I expected it to be a full-body experience, things escalated further than they should have and the woman brought me to a climax. Looking back, I know I should have stopped her, but in the moment I enjoyed the feeling of her touch too much. After the first session, I couldn’t stop myself from returning and I got several messages from the same woman before the holiday ended. Each time she brought me to orgasm and I enjoyed returning the favour for her also. Now I’m home the guilt has fully set in and I feel awful for how I’ve betrayed my husband. I simply don’t know what got into me. I know I need to come clean but I’m worried about how he’ll take it.

It’s understandable that you’re feeling guilty, but ask yourself if telling your husband will solve anything. While it may make you feel better for a few seconds, it will deeply hurt him and almost certainly destroy your otherwise happy relationship. While he might not dump you, he’d never trust you in quite the same way again. It sounds clear that you have learned from your mistake. If you can’t cope with the guilt, wouldn’t it be better to get it off your chest by talking to a counsellor, in confidence. My support pack Counselling will tell you where to access this help.

Spell on you

My work colleague has me completely bewitched

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28083088/work-colleague-bewitched/

A new work colleague has me completely bewitched - despite being happily married with kids. Every day I wake up thinking about this woman, and while I try my best to ignore it, it's consuming me. I’m 42, my wife is 38 and we’ve been married for nine years. We have two daughters together, one is two and the other is five. Over the last year, our sex life has completely died and I can’t remember the last time that we were intimate. While I still love her dearly and can’t imagine my life without her, I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss feeling close to someone. I had never found myself looking elsewhere, but when a gorgeous blonde woman joined my work team everything changed. She was everything I wanted in a woman; smart, funny, and confident. Over the last couple of months, we’ve become acquainted and my feelings for her have blossomed. Now every day I wake up looking forward to seeing her and thoughts of her constantly swarm my mind. Recently our conversations have become progressively flirtier and I’m starting to wonder if she feels the same. I know it’s wrong and the last thing I want is to hurt my wife, but I can’t shake the feeling I have inside. Should I tell her how I feel?

While it's normal to fancy other people while in a committed relationship, it is whether you choose to act on it that matters. I understand how torn you must feel but your relationship with this other woman is merely a fantasy, not a reality. It’s your wife that you’ve made a commitment to, and instead of seeking attention elsewhere, it’s essential you focus on fixing things within your relationship. I would recommend sex and relationship therapy to help bring you both closer. The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk) can put you in touch with reputable counsellors. My support pack Different Sex Drives will also help.

Socialising

Why has my friendship group suddenly rejected me?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28083090/friendship-group-suddenly-rejected-me/

Rejection hurts. I feel so down after my walking group decided to leave me out of our weekend walk. I’ve been running the club for a few years now and every week I look forward to socialising and getting out of the house. I’m a 53-year-old single woman with no children. Every week I usually organise a walk for the group, which consists of about ten people, but a fortnight ago I was forced to cancel as I was feeling under the weather. At the time everybody didn’t seem to mind, and I even suggested that they go without me. Yet ever since I’ve felt completely isolated by them. Last weekend when I sent a message into our group chat about our next walk, everyone seemed keen but eventually dropped out one by one at the last minute. At the time I didn’t think anything of it, but then the next day photos of them all out together popped up on Facebook.Now I’m convinced I’ve been shut out, and I can’t understand why.

Being left out can feel horrible, especially when you’re putting in so much effort to organise these walks. Unfortunately, you cannot change how other people behave or make them join your walks but you can tell them how you feel. If they are really your friends they will understand why you are upset and try to mend what has happened. If not, perhaps it would be better to focus your energy elsewhere and find a new group. My support pack Widening Your Social Scene will help.

SEEING RED

I feel my heart sink every time I see my girlfriend liking other men’s photos

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28138752/girlfriend-liking-mens-photos/

I FEEL my heart sink every time I see my girlfriend liking other men’s photos. I’ve asked her to stop so many times and she says she will, although she sees nothing wrong with it. She says these men are just friends or colleagues. I’m 33 and my partner’s 31. We’ve been together for four years. Even in the early days of our relationship I noticed she was constantly looking at other men when we were out on dates, which she denied. She recently liked a photo of a man in his boxers and commented “very impressive”. She grew up with him. Since then she’s liked pics of numerous men who are usually posing in their underwear. She says she doesn’t see anything wrong with it and that other men wouldn’t react like I do. I feel offended because she should care about my feelings. I can’t help but think she’s doing it on purpose now, knowing full well how I feel about it. It’s as if she doesn’t respect my feelings. She has even told me she wouldn’t mind if I did the same with other women but that’s not my style. I am so unhappy. I feel as though I am slowly falling out of love with her.

I’m not surprised. You have made it clear you’re not happy to accept what is “micro-cheating” – when a partner’s actions makes the other question their commitment, slowly eating away at any trust. She may be genuinely comfortable with a partner behaving in a similar way but a relationship is built on good communication, mutual respect and compromise. If she doesn’t care enough about your feelings to change her behaviour, I’m afraid you need to ask yourself if this relationship has a future. My support packs Ending A Relationship and Moving On will help.

Physical

I can't shake this horrible feeling about my boyfriend and his sister

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28059636/cant-shake-horrible-feeling-boyfriend-sister/

I’ve got a horrible feeling that my boyfriend is in a sexual relationship with his sister. There’s something off about the way they act with each other – too touchy, feely and even flirty. I’m 26, he’s 28 and we’ve been in a relationship for six months. His sister is 27. My boyfriend and his sister share a flat and whenever I go round they’re always laughing and making cheeky, sometimes sexual, remarks to each other. It’s really inappropriate. Last week, he had some tight jeans on, and she made a joke about his big bulge. They sit dead close on the sofa, and when they hug it’s too tight and for too long. Worse, when he looks at her, he gets the same look in his eyes that he gets when he looks at me. They act like they’re sleeping together – to the extent that once I sneaked into her bedroom to check if her bed had been slept in. It had been. I know you’ll just say I’m jealous, and insecure, but I think there’s more going on. I’m starting to feel really disturbed about it. I don’t want to go round to his place any more. What should I do?

All families are different, and it may be that your boyfriend’s is just unusually affectionate and tactile. Incest is illegal, so if they were sleeping together, it’s very unlikely they would be acting like this in front of you. It’s more likely they’re just very close and have always made sexual jokes. But this is upsetting you, so say something to your boyfriend. Perhaps you could tell him how uncomfortable their behaviour makes you, and say it feels inappropriate. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to have this chat. If you’re really worried, speak to Family Action in confidence (family-action.org.uk, 0808 802 6666).

WEIGHING HEAVY 

My self-esteem has been non-existent since I lost weight

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28226853/weight-loss-anxiety-worse/

Weight loss caused by stress and giving up drinking has left me looking gaunt in the face, and it’s making my anxiety worse. I feel like I look old and ugly. People keep asking if I’m ill and it’s really getting me down. I’m a 47-year-old man, who lives alone. My anxiety means I don’t get out much apart from when I go to work, and this isn’t helping. I take medication for my anxiety. Although I don’t drink anymore, I do smoke - which my doctor says doesn’t help - so I’ve tried to cut down. I really want to put weight on my face so it looks more round and healthy, but I don’t know what foods to choose. I often feel too down to cook properly for myself, and just grab whatever is convenient. Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I see an old man looking back at me. That just makes me feel more depressed. What can I do to make myself look younger and healthier?

Many people find that when they lose weight it disappears from their face first. Feeling down and stressed will also make you look drawn. Unfortunately, it’s not possible to put on weight in just one area. But eating healthily - particularly including healthy fats like avocados and oily fish - can really make a difference. My support pack on Gaining Weight should help. You’re caught in a vicious circle. Worrying about your looks is making your anxiety worse and stopping you going out. But if you go outside and get som=e Vitamin D and colour in your face, you’d probably feel better about yourself. For support with Anxiety, contact Anxiety UK (anxietyuk.org.uk, tel: 03444 775 774).

Over and out

Do women dump me because I can't last in bed?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28163845/women-dump-me-cant-last-bed/

I just lost another girlfriend because I can’t last long in bed. It’s really getting me down. I’m 28 and I’ve been told I’m good-looking. I seem to be able to attract women with little effort. I don’t just want one-night stands - I’ve been looking for a long-term relationship but the longest one I’ve had is five weeks. The women I’ve been with all get fed up because I take them to bed and sex is all over for me in a few moments. This seems to leave them frustrated. They never say very much but I know it’s down to that. My last girlfriend seemed great and I really thought she could be the one but last night she came out with the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech but I knew she was lying. It’s because I’m a rubbish lover.

A good relationship is all about your connection as a couple and not just sex. When you trust somebody you can learn together about how your body works and how best to control your premature ejaculation. Don’t race to get a woman into bed but make sure that the relationship is right first, and then take your time to find out how she likes to be touched. Focussing on her first can be a real help. Make sure you do things that she enjoys and then only have sex when you are both completely ready. My support pack called Want To Last Longer has exercises you can try.

Marriage mart

My wife and my lover combined make the perfect woman

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28059643/wife-sexually-open-minded-question/

Although I deeply love my wife, I’ve fallen for another woman, and I’d like to marry her too. I know this isn’t legally possible, but I don’t just want her to be my “bit on the side”, I want her to move in with us. I’m 48 and my wife is 45. We have two kids, who have both recently left home. My lover, who I met on a work trip, is 30. There is nothing wrong with my marriage. We get on well but our sex life is dull, and she isn’t particularly interested. I miss the excitement of falling in love, of romance and passion. My lover gives me that. My lover and wife complement each other’s qualities and fulfil me in different ways. I’ve already asked my lover how she’d feel about moving in with us, and she’s agreed. She’s very open-minded sexually. But I fear my wife might not be so happy about it, and I’m scared to tell her. I don’t want to lose either of them. What should I do?

Bigamy is, as you rightly say, illegal. Polyamory isn’t – but it requires all partners to agree. The fact you’re scared to tell your wife shows you know she won’t accept this arrangement. You can ask her, but be prepared for your marriage to implode. Ultimately, you’ll either have to end your affair or your marriage. Wanting both is a selfish and naive fantasy when you seem to know deep down how your wife will react. My support pack, Torn between Two Women, may help you.

Dear Deidre

My wife is a secret lesbian & expects me to live a lie because of her family

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28059645/im-sick-a-lie-wife/

MY wife is a secret lesbian and I’m sick of living a lie. I’m angry she married me knowing she preferred women. It has left me miserable and sexually unfulfilled. I’m 48 and she’s 52. We have been married for 18 years and have a 16-year-old son. When we met I wasn’t very experienced and I had no idea she didn’t really find me attractive, but was using me for respectability. She comes from a strict Christian family, who would have disowned her had they known her true sexual preferences. She made me fall in love with her — perhaps because I have a good job and could give her a nice house and a comfortable lifestyle. Day to day, we get on, but sex has always been an issue. I just thought that she didn’t have a high libido. We only had sex every couple of months, and that was when I practically begged for it. And since our son was born, we’ve barely slept together at all. But — I have discovered — there is nothing wrong with her libido. During our marriage she’s had several affairs with women. She hasn’t even bothered to hide them well. When I confronted her about one of them, she said that surely I knew about her sexual inclination. She argued that, as she wasn’t sleeping with another man, it wasn’t cheating. I feel so lonely — like I’ve wasted my life with her. How I long for a passionate sexual relationship with someone who wants me. Other women have shown interest over the years. Now I fear I’ve missed the boat. But I know my wife will clean me out financially if I divorce her.

It’s sad that your wife felt she had to hide her sexuality, but marrying you without being honest and then assuming you would turn a blind eye to her affairs with women was cruel. You’ve wasted long enough being miserable. It’s not too late to find happiness with someone who loves you. It’s time to tell your wife how you feel. She needs to know you won’t be her “beard” any longer. Don’t let material fears hold you back. With good legal advice, you can make sure your assets are split fairly. Read my support pack Thinking Of Divorce, which will tell you the first steps to take. If you’re feeling depressed, make an appointment with your GP. Counselling could also help. See my support pack about this.

SHUT OUT

My wife turns down my role play fantasies and does not want sex at all

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28124936/wife-turns-down-fantasies-sex/

I’M desperate to role-play with my wife, but these days she won’t even consider having sex. She and I are in our 40s. We’ve been married for ten years and had always had a great sex life, but about four years ago she stopped sleeping with me entirely. If I even try to touch her sexually, she just pushes me away. Now, I’m desperate to have sex and have started fantasising about different role-play scenarios. I’d love to pretend that I am a fireman or a soldier rescuing her or that she is a nurse taking care of me. I’ve made the suggestion several times, but she turns me down flat. Around the time my wife lost interest in sex, she started therapy for a trauma she had experienced during her 20s. She’s told me it’s unrelated to the issues she’s having around sex now, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s more than a coincidence. I adore my wife, and I want to reignite our sex life, as I now feel like we’re friends rather than lovers. What can I do?

It sounds as though your wife has had a difficult time, and dealing with this trauma could be affecting your sex life. You haven’t stated what the trauma was, but if it’s related to sex then working this through is likely to affect the physical side of your relationship. However, with the right help, you will be able to get closer again. Patience is the key to accomplishing this. Your wife needs to feel safe in any situation, and this will happen with time. Role-play at the moment is likely to make her feel on edge, so I’d strongly recommend you pause the suggestion, until she is comfortable with some basic intimacy again. Find time to sit down with her and explain that you want to express how much you love her by feeling close to her again. Reassure her that you won’t pressure her into anything but that you think it would be good for you both to speak to a counsellor to help things get back on track. My pack, How Sex Therapy Helps, will assist.

Check up

Am I a hypochondriac for worrying about changes in my breast?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28037758/hypochondriac-pain-breast/

I have made an appointment recently for a check up because I was experiencing pain in my breast. At first I ignored it until I recently saw another change (my nipple started to dip, becoming inverted). I’m wondering if I should attend this appointment. I am 39 years old but I think my doctor treats me as if I am a hypochondriac. I’m worried the doctor will think this is all in my head. My dad died last year after being diagnosed with cancer. I have a family history of breast cancer on my mum’s side of the family and one member on my dad’s side. Is it possible to get breast cancer at my age? I feel so ashamed about even going in case I am seen as a time waster. My husband and mother-in-law think I am an attention seeker so I can’t tell anyone close to me. How do I deal with this?

Please, please attend this appointment. It is always a good idea to get any symptoms that are recent, unexplained or unusual checked by your GP. It’s only natural that you worry you may get cancer after your mum and dad have been affected by this disease. Early detection is key so don’t ever feel worried you’ll be seen as a time waster. There are families where people may have a higher risk of developing a certain type of cancer. It is possible to develop breast cancer at a young age. Talk to Macmillan Cancer Support (macmillan.org.uk, 0808 808 0000) for advice and support.

DEAR DEIDRE

My mummy's boy husband is a love rat & has been cheating since she passed away

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28138379/my-husband-cheating-mummys-boy/

MY husband has always been a mummy’s boy but little did I know that would trigger an avalanche of sexual cheating. When his mum dropped dead last year, it was completely unexpected. I knew he was heartbroken and although we spoke a lot about his grief in the first month, he soon seemed to move on. Now I realise it’s because he was busy seducing other women. I am 39 and my husband is 41. We have been together for ten years and have a daughter aged seven. I found out about his affairs after someone pushed a note through our door reading “Do you really think your husband is working late every night?” The note made me realise he was at home less, more protective of his phone . . . and completely uninterested in sex with me. When I confronted him he admitted he’d cheated — four times with a personal trainer and more with someone at work. Apparently the personal trainer is ten years younger than him and stopped their liaison when she met someone her own age. The woman at work was a temp who has now left their business and he hasn’t heard from her since. He has apologised and says there was nothing wrong with our relationship, he just became selfish. We both want to move past this but I am struggling. Some weeks I feel stronger, then out of nowhere, I become scared and very insecure. When I feel like this I can’t help but have a go at him. I worry if this continues I will drive him away.

Men often don’t cope well with bereavement. Instead of connecting with those close to them who are familiar, they can seek refuge from grief by turning to someone else, completely unconnected to their family.It can seem easier to distance themselves from those who are close to them at such a sad time. Betrayal can erode a relationship and building back that trust takes time. Be honest with your husband and explain how you feel. Tell him how much his affairs hurt you. With the right support, it is possible to move on from his cheating but this is something you will have to do together. If you want to give your marriage a chance, couple’s counselling can help, see tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you to move on.

Sexual tension

I love masturbating, but the church says I'm a sinner

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28151259/love-masturbating-church-sinner/

I feel so guilty because I masturbate every day and I’m a regular churchgoer. I’ve been brought up in a strict Catholic household so I’ve been told that it’s wrong to self-pleasure. I’d love a relationship but I’ve never found that special person. I’m a man of 26 and I don’t think I’m gay but I look at all kinds of pornography. I work as a sales rep so the job is stressful with targets to meet, and I can’t wait to get home each night so that I can relieve myself sexually. I’ve even used objects – including household items – on myself to enhance the feeling when I climax. I’d love to buy a sex toy but I daren’t. My parents would be so disgusted with me if they knew what I did in private.

There is nothing wrong with masturbating. It helps you to be aware of your body and how it functions and it is a healthy way of getting rid of sexual tension. My support pack Worried About Masturbation explains more and may help to reassure you. If your interest in internet pornography is taking up too much of your free time, where you stop being sociable with friends or even talking to a prospective partner because it is more of an addiction, then you may need some help. If that is the case, pivotalrecovery.org can help with its professionally guided programme to help you stop.

SO HOSTILE

I'm dating a girl my mum hates but don't know how to tell her

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28138467/dating-girl-mum-hates/

I KNOW my mum will disapprove if I tell her I am dating a girl she hates. I am a 24-year-old guy and my girlfriend is 23. I love her and we have been dating for a few weeks now. We both still live at home. I get on really well with her mum and dad. They are so kind whereas my mum is always angry and shouts all the time. My parents divorced and I am convinced she isn’t over it even though it happened five years ago. I am an only child. My girlfriend and I want to get a place together soon but I know it will upset my mum if I move out. She was less than welcoming to my girlfriend when she met her and I know she hates her. I feel so much more relaxed in my girlfriend’s company at her family home. How do I tell my mum I am dating her when I know what her reaction will be?

You are an adult and must live your own life, including who you date and where you live. If this is something you really want to do and your girlfriend wants it too, then it has to be your decision. It’s unrealistic for your mum to expect you to live with her forever and if she does disapprove and fall out with you, then it’s not your fault and you are not responsible. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help.

Next big step

Could big move be my biggest mistake?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28059644/too-hasty-or-true-love/

Following a whirlwind romance, my new boyfriend and I are talking about moving in together. But friends and family have made it clear they think I’m being too hasty. I’m so confused about what to do. I’m 30 and he’s 32. We met online over Christmas and hit it off straight away. But we live 100 miles apart. We’ve been talking every night and messaging every day, and we’ve had as many weekends together as we could manage. Now he’s suggested that we get a flat together in his hometown, as my job is more flexible. I’m so excited to be with him, but also very nervous, as it’s only been a few months. My friends think I’m being impulsive, and my parents have said I am crazy and will get hurt – like I have been in the past. Their opinions matter to me, but I have fallen madly in love and am pretty sure he’s the one. What should I do?

Your friends and family are worried about you because they love you. However, it’s your life. If your gut tells you he’s the one, then don’t let them talk you out of following your heart. Perhaps you could ask him to come and stay for a week before you commit to a decision. That way he can meet your family and friends properly. See my support pack on Long-Distance Relationships.

DRINKS LIKE A FISH

My daughter's addicted to alcohol & is with a man who’s been in prison

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28138531/daughter-drink-alcohol-prison/

GETTING into fights and losing her job are only the latest dramas from my unstable daughter. She’s addicted to alcohol and took up with a man who’s been in and out of prison. She’s left him but her drinking has increased to the point where she physically attacked me after a night out. My daughter’s almost 30. I’m her 59-year-old mum. My husband, her father, abandoned us when she was a teen. We lost everything and were homeless and penniless. We had no clue where my husband had gone or why. We were rehoused, then after two years he returned looking like a tramp. He had been having an affair with a woman at work. When it went wrong he lost his job and his drinking spiralled. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested MasterChef winner shuts Michelin-star restaurant & sends message to fans Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs We don’t have a physical relationship and haven’t for years. I’ve supported him all this time as he cannot hold a job down. I get no help, no support, just stress. I sometimes feel like I can’t carry on.

Your daughter’s been deeply affected by her dad’s rejection. He was absent, so she blamed you. History is repeating itself but it’s not your fault. You did what you had to do to survive. My support pack Dealing With A Problem Drinker will help you. Insist on a serious talk with your husband – tell him your marriage is in real trouble on every front. If your husband doesn’t change, you will feel stronger if you can call it a day.

Motherhood

My boyfriend's attitude towards children could be a dealbreaker

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28016101/boyfriends-attitude-children-deal-breaker/

Motherhood has always been something I looked forward to, but my boyfriend has started constantly droning on about the negatives of having children. We got together five years ago and since then, we’ve bought a house, so surely it’s time to think about the children next. I’ve been clear I want a family and he was always up for it. He’s 37 and I’m 34 now so I feel my body clock ticking but he’s gone the other way. If I talk about having children, he says we can’t afford them. If there’s a wildlife programme talking about global warming or news about a war he says, “Why would anyone want to bring a child into this world”. His brother’s wife had a baby recently and I’ve bought her gifts and cooed over the baby girl but my boyfriend hasn’t even wanted to hold her. I’m fed-up with his attitude and he’s now making me question our future together.

Perhaps his change of heart is down to financial stress or he’s worried about your relationship lasting. It is important that you find out because this is a deal-breaker for you. There’s no real compromise to be had so it’s worth finding out if this issue can be resolved - sooner rather than later. Find a quiet moment to explain to your boyfriend that you are concerned you’re no longer on the same page. You can both find help in deciding what is right for you with some counselling. Find a counsellor through The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, (www.bacp.co.uk, 01455 883300).

Relative values

I don’t want my evil family anywhere near my son

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28016105/dont-want-evil-family-near-son/

My family is obsessed with meeting my baby son but I don’t want them anywhere near him. He’s two weeks old and I want to protect him from the evil family that I grew up with. I’m a woman of 25. I’m Indian and I married another Indian guy who is from a lovely family. My father was abusive towards us kids and my mother when we were young. My brother became violent towards me and my sisters, wanting us to stick to their strict culture. At 18, he threw me out of the house when he caught me sitting in a boy’s car. I was homeless for six months and then I met my husband. My mother traced me a year ago. I have kept in touch with her. But now that I've had a baby, my brother and father keep demanding to see him. I don’t want them near him. I love my mother. She has done nothing wrong but I hate the others.

It is your right as a mother to say who you want to have near your child. To make you homeless at 18 was a terrible way to treat a sibling and a child. You have started your own family now and it’s important you feel confident enough to bring up your child as you feel is right. You can find support through Stand Alone (www.standalone.org.uk), which helps people of all ages who become estranged or disowned from their family or key family members.

Trust issues

My secret wedding plans led to disaster

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28037759/xecret-wedding-planning-dumped/

My partner dumped me because she felt the trust had gone in our relationship when all along I was secretly planning our wedding. All the random phone calls to venues and research I was doing made her feel paranoid so she broke up with me. That was almost a year ago and I am still struggling. I am 42 and my ex is 40. We have both been divorced. I had no idea my actions were making her paranoid. I thought I was being loving and thoughtful. I actually showed my friends the messages and all my wedding plans but in the background some people twisted things, accusing me of cheating. I didn’t realise at the time how many of my so-called friends were making up lies. This has broken my heart because I actually thought I was doing something romantic and loving. At the time I didn’t realise how deep my ex’s trust issues went. I know she was previously cheated on but that was nothing to do with me.

I’m sorry. Even the best-laid plans sometimes go wrong but this isn’t about you – the insecurities are all hers. She has been hurt in a past relationship and tries to stay one step ahead by suggesting that you’re cheating, purely to protect herself. You will feel better in time and find the strength to start afresh. My support pack Moving On, will help you to do this. Don’t bottle up your feelings, you’ll feel happier if you can talk to someone.

ANGRY BOY

Youngest grandson flies into rages and his mum cannot control him

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27999437/youngest-grandson-flies-into-rages/

WHEN my partner’s younger grandson flies into rages he lashes out at the older one, who ends up covered in bruises. The two are brothers aged 13 and 18. The younger one is a bit overweight and has rages regularly. His brother won’t retaliate in case things go too far. Their mother seems oblivious to it. The 13-year-old comes to our house and swears at my partner and I. If my partner refuses to let him come to ours, their mother won’t allow his brother over. I’m female and 60 and my partner is 62. The older grandson is a wonderful young man but he’s fed up because his mother stalks him now that he has a girlfriend. She contacts him all the time, even when he is at college, wanting to know where he is and who he’s with. She’s making his life a misery while the 13-year-old gets away with everything.

Your partner’s younger grandson sounds very angry. Can your partner ask him if there’s anything bothering him? Is he having friendship problems, struggling at school, or being bullied? Or perhaps is there an issue at home? The fact his mum is turning a blind eye, rather than disciplining him, makes me wonder if she is struggling. Sometimes children lash out if they feel anxious or unsettled. If his dad isn’t involved in his life this could be another factor. Contact familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222) for help.

CUT MYSELF OFF

I have spent so much time alone since divorce I worry I have a social phobia

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27999434/divorce-time-alone-social-phobia/

AFTER divorcing 20 years ago, I have become so used to being alone that I have no social life. I am a 61-year-old single man. I will do anything to avoid social situations as I find it scary to go out and socialise. The thought alone makes me feel edgy and clammy. I think I have developed a kind of social phobia. I really want to change this because I’d love another relationship. But I realise I’ll never find anyone while I am holed up in my house day after day. After so long being alone, I think I am nervous about doing or saying something wrong and being judged. Also, I worry I will make a fool of myself. How can I stop this?

The fact you are now content spending time on your own is a good thing, but there is a balance. If you are shy, eye contact can push you outside your comfort zone but it is a social skill that helps build trust. When you’re anxious, you might want to run away but the more you avoid social situations, the more your anxiety and fear will grow. Try taking small steps. Could you go for a cup of tea with one friend and start to build up your confidence? The more you push against this anxiety, the more you’ll see you can overcome it. My support pack Shyness And Social Anxiety has useful tips.

FORBIDDEN LUST

I love my wife but I am desperate to have sex with her amazing sister

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27999438/want-to-have-sex-with-wife-sister/

DESPITE the fact I love my wife, I have fallen in lust with her sister and I am desperate to have sex with her. Neither of them has any idea. I’m 42 and my wife is 39. We have been together for eight years and have a gorgeous daughter, aged three. For the past few months all I can think about is having sex with my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law has been divorced for a couple of years and has two children. She is 37 and very attractive, with a lovely curvy body that she confidently shows off. She always looks amazing. My wife dresses more conservatively. I love my wife and daughter, so I don’t know why I am having these thoughts about her all of a sudden. I keep fantasising about having a relationship with my sister-in-law, and financially supporting her and her children, as she is currently struggling. She is having difficulty finding someone new and I think I could give her what she needs and fulfil my own desires with her. Part of me wants to make a move but I know it could cost me my marriage and my child.

Who are you trying to kid? You stand to lose everything and your wife is unlikely to forgive either of you if she found out – which she would. Think how your daughter would be affected too. Focus on strengthening and enriching the good things you share with your wife. Your wife’s sister will share similar traits and characteristics so it’s not surprising you feel attracted to her but, if you have any sense at all, you will do nothing. Lust like this can come out of the blue and fade just as swiftly as long as you don’t give in to it. Your wife’s sister can find support through Gingerbread.org.uk (0808 802 0925), which helps single parents.

SABOTAGING HERSELF

I don't know if my daughter has ADHD or just having a mid-life crisis

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27988586/daughter-adhd-mid-life-crisis/

IS my daughter having a mid-life crisis, or does she genuinely have ADHD? She is in her 40s, and it seems to me that she is sabotaging her life. She has always told everyone she has various health conditions and mental health issues, and recently has added ADHD to the list. My daughter has always been impulsive, changing careers, going to university, but never completing the courses. She has never stayed on one life path or worked out what she wants to do in life. But she has taken a turn for the worse and suddenly she wants to divorce her husband – who has always put up with her – dyed her hair, and is going out on the town. She has even accused her husband of being a controlling narcissist, but he is the kindest man I have ever met. My heart has shattered for him, he doesn’t deserve this. My daughter has been researching ADHD recently and now says this is the cause of her impulsivity. I can’t help but wonder if she is just having a mid-life crisis, and I’m terrified the reality of what she has done will soon come crashing down on her. I don’t think she will ever find a man who could put up with her as her husband has. Men in their 40s want a stable woman, not someone who can’t hold down a job and spends their Friday evenings in the pub. How do I stop her from sabotaging her life?

Try not to dismiss her concerns or this will encourage her to distance herself from you. If you want to be able to support her, you need to keep the dialogue going, rather than shutting her down. Impulsivity is a symptom of ADHD, and it is possible this is what is causing her behaviour. Other symptoms include having a short attention span, being forgetful and losing things, being unable to stick to tasks that are tedious or time-consuming, and having difficulty organising tasks. For more advice, adhduk.co.uk has useful information that will help you and your daughter learn about the condition.

Dear Deidre

My cheating husband issued me with a cheeky ultimatum

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28037751/husband-cheating-issued-ultimatum/

My husband left me for another woman but says he’ll return if I show him affection. Not only does he expect me to forget that he had a sexual affair, betrayed me and deserted our family, he now wants me to show him ‘he is loved with lots of cuddles and kisses’. This feels like I am being blamed and he’s issuing me with an impossible ultimatum. I was devastated when he first moved out saying he needed a break and was going to stay with a friend. But then one month later I found out ‘his friend’ was a woman who has always had the hots for him. My husband says he only had an affair with her because I didn’t make him feel wanted, desired and loved. To be honest this doesn’t come naturally to me and I don’t think about doing these things naturally. We say “I love you” and cuddle in bed most evenings but I am not an overly touchy-feely person. I’m 39 and my husband’s 41. We’ve been together for 10 years and have twin boys aged six. After he moved out this other woman, who is a former colleague, sent screenshots of their messages. My husband now says he wants to come home but that if I can’t give him what he wants, he will go back to his lover and try again. Apparently she gives him all the affection he needs. I am struggling to get my head around the fact he had an affair and I can’t stop the images of them together. I’m worried that no matter what she will always be there in the background. I’m totally muddled.

If you struggle to show affection to people you love this is likely rooted in a childhood where your family weren’t openly demonstrative either. Being tactile and showing affection, is therefore likely to make you feel uncomfortable and awkward. It is never right to have an affair and if your husband felt neglected, he should have talked to you, but as an explanation, rather than an excuse, if he craved affection and didn’t receive it, he likely felt dissatisfied and looked elsewhere. It sounds like you both want to work things through but he has been very clumsy in explaining what changes he’d like. To bring more equilibrium think about what you would need also. My support pack Relationship MOT may be helpful and consider couple’s counselling. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1960).

Low libido

My wife is so uninterested in sex that she tells me to just 'put it in'

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27971899/wife-uninterested-sex-just-put-it-in/

Whenever I have sex with my wife, she is so uninterested that she just tells me to ‘put it in’. She doesn’t want foreplay and she won’t even let me kiss and cuddle her. She seems to want to get it over with as fast as possible, and it’s making me feel frustrated and miserable. We’ve been married for seven years. I’m 38 and she’s 36. Sex was fine when we were first dating. Although she didn’t have a high sex drive, she seemed to want it and enjoy it. But a few years ago, it felt like she just stopped bothering. She never initiates it and, although she usually agrees to have sex once a month - if I’m lucky - it’s clear she’s going through the motions. All she ever wants is a quickie. It feels like I’m a machine that needs a service. I love her and want a fulfilling, loving sex life. I want to be desired and to give her pleasure. When I’ve tried talking to her about it, she says her friends don’t have sex very often either, and it’s normal. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. What should I do?

Many things can cause sexual desire to wane, from familiarity to hormones to medication. Whatever the cause, it’s unrealistic and unfair for your wife to expect you just to accept this, when she knows it’s making you miserable. Talk to her again and tell her how much you’re both missing out on. Ask her if something is bothering her and suggest couples counselling. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org.uk).My support pack, Reviving A Woman’s Sex Drive could help too.

Let down

My best mate constantly betrays me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27971906/im-constantly-being-betrayed-by-my-best-mate/

Again and again, I’ve been let down or betrayed by my best mate. He keeps taking advantage of me, and I’m not sure I want to continue our friendship. We’re both 16-year-old lads and have been friends since the start of secondary school. He’s always asking to copy my schoolwork, or getting me to do it for him. Worse, if he knows I like a girl, he flirts with her. There was one girl I really liked, and instead of helping me, he kissed her. I’ve had enough of him walking all over me. But I don’t have many mates and would be lost without him. What should I do?

He’s taking advantage of your good nature and the knowledge you won’t stand up to him, and being competitive instead of supportive. That’s not how a best mate behaves and if he won’t change, you’d be better off without him. You need to tell him how you feel and ask him to start treating you better. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you do this.

Dear Deidre

Since we had a threesome with my mate sex with my girlfriend's been a disaster

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28016087/sex-girlfriend-disaster-threesome/

Sex with my girlfriend has been a disaster since I had a night of passion with her and my schoolmate. My biggest fantasy had always been to have a threesome. We are both 31. We were in bed talking about sex and what we’d like to do to spice things up one afternoon and I shared my sex dream. She laughed out loud but said, “I’d be up for that”. I couldn't believe my luck. She then started talking about hooking up with another guy when my idea was finding another woman to go to bed with. But beggars can’t be choosers so I said I’d try to sort things out. In the pub one night playing pool with my mate, I mentioned it to him. He’s single, 30, and a ladies man - I knew he'd say yes. The following weekend, I took my girlfriend to a wine bar and we’d pre-arranged to meet my friend there. We had drinks, then went back to my girlfriend's flat and watched a naughty film. My girlfriend started kissing me and then she moved on to my friend. We went into the bedroom where things got very steamy but for me, it suddenly felt wrong. They were getting intimate and I didn't like it. I walked into the kitchen for a glass of water. I went back minutes later and they were still having sex. I think they should have stopped when they realised I wasn’t happy. Why didn’t they come to see if I was OK? My girlfriend has tried to have sex with me since but I’m just not up to it. I keep seeing her with him in my mind and then it’s a complete passion-killer.

Threesomes sound harmless but they don’t suit everyone. Making fantasy (and your girlfriend’s one at that) a reality is where you’ve become unstuck. Emotions often come into play as you found. Men can worry they don’t measure up and women can feel used. A third party can spoil the dynamics between a loving couple unless they are absolutely sure they both want the same thing, otherwise usually someone feels left out. Ask her if she wants to go back to things as they were. If she does, make it clear that there will be no more threesomes because this one has done too much harm. My support pack called 50 Ways to Add Fun to Sex suggests plenty of other ways to spice things up.

Took off

My ex disappeared with my kids after meeting her new man

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27950178/ex-disappeared-kids-meeting-man/

Since my ex-girlfriend met her new partner, she has moved out of town and won’t let me see my kids. I am 39 and she is 36. The children, both girls, are nine and seven. We split up quite acrimoniously two years ago. The girls live with my ex but used to stay with me on alternate weekends and during the school holidays. A couple of weeks ago, I went to pick them up as normal but nobody answered the front door and my ex didn’t respond to any of my calls or texts. It wasn’t until a couple of days later that I found out through the grapevine that she had met a man and moved across the country. The worst part is that I still don’t even know where. After a few days of trying to get in touch, she finally answered the phone but told me that I couldn’t see the girls anymore. Since then I’ve been desperately trying to figure out where they are but all I’ve found are photographs of them on Facebook with my ex’s new man. For someone who’s only been around for a couple of weeks, not only does he appear to be too close to them, but he’s taking them out for days on their own. I’m worried sick, but no matter who I talk to nobody is taking me seriously. All I want is to have my daughter’s back. Please help.

Your ex is selfish and her actions are hurting the children, as well as you. You have a right to see them and they need their dad involved in their lives. Before you think about getting lawyers involved – and you can get free legal help from citizensadvice.org.uk – appeal to her sense of fairness and explain how bad this is for your children’s confidence and development. My support pack When Parents Fall Out explains the impact this is having on them. Families Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk) will also be able to advise you.

DEAR DEIDRE

I forgave my cheating partner and now he has got me AND his lover pregnant

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27999423/forgave-cheating-partner-lover-pregnant/

MY world came crashing down when my partner confessed he’d fathered a love child while I was pregnant. What hurts even more is that the other woman has decided to name the baby after him. It’s as if she wants the whole world to know. I am 36 and my partner is 38. We have been together for eight years and have a five-year-old son and a daughter who is five months old. This isn’t the first time my partner has cheated — he’s done it multiple times, but for the sake of our son, I forgave him. One night about seven months ago we had a row because I was suffering with morning sickness and my partner wasn’t pulling his weight. He went to the gym to blow off steam. Apparently he got talking to this woman. She’s a similar age to me and has a reputation for breaking up relationships. They went back to her flat and had sex. My partner hasn’t apologised for cheating and even blamed me. He says I am the problem in our relationship. When he told me she was pregnant and naming the baby after him, I flipped. Apparently the baby has to be his because he is the only one she has had sex with for months. All the love I had has gone. I am emotionally drained and want to move but I can’t afford to. I feel so betrayed.

You have given your partner multiple chances but he hasn’t proved worthy. Please only consider taking him back on the strict condition he commits to therapy so he can start to understand and stop his cheating. If only for the sake of your children, do have a think about this. Don’t fall into the trap of staying with him on the promise of attending. If he won’t seek help, or show he wants to change, as hard as it will be initially, you will be happier and more secure if you start to plan for separate lives. As the father of both your children he has a responsibility to provide financially for them. Gov.uk/child-maintenance-service has lots of information on how much support you could expect. My support pack Can’t Be Faithful explains more, together with one on How Counselling Works. Your partner should also insist on DNA tests as you only have this woman’s word that he is the father.

DEAR DEIDRE

I'm pregnant and terrified my secret lover is the father - not my boyfriend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27988447/pregnant-partner-lover-affair/

I’M excited to be pregnant because I was told I’d struggle to have kids – but also terrified because my secret lover is the father, and not my boyfriend. I’m 29 and have been having a fling with a 23-year-old guy I met through the football club — he’s in the men’s team and I’m in the women’s. We see each other regularly in the club bar after matches. He is so good-looking, with a fantastic body. He’s always flirted with me but I ignored his efforts until nine months ago when I agreed to let him walk me home. We only shared a little kiss that night but soon after we started meeting and I began to enjoy the best sex I’d ever had, when I’d go to his flat. My problem is, I live with my boyfriend and we’ve been together for four years but he works all hours. We haven’t had sex for months and he threatened to finish with me a few months ago, saying I’d let myself go. He can be really nasty and shouts at me. He gets cross if people say I’m pretty and that he’s lucky to have me. Over the last year, I’ve felt a growing distance between us and he’s started lying about who he’s messaging. I’ve seen him contacting other women and complimenting them over social media. His behaviour has led me to try to finish with him a couple of times. Whenever I do get to that stage, though, he turns back on the charm and makes a really big effort with me. Then, ultimately, I wimp out. He knew I wanted kids and said he did too so I stayed, only for him to tell me late last year he had changed his mind. It was then that I gave in to my footballer’s attentions. My lover thinks my relationship with my boyfriend is over. He wants the baby and is so excited. This could be my only chance to be a mum, but how can it work with a 23-year-old? I feel disgusted and ashamed at myself. This is not how I imagined becoming a mother.

I can see why you want to keep this baby, but you’d also be wise to consider if you are ready to become a single parent. Your affair with your lover is new but it’s a good sign that he is excited about the baby. Even if you can’t make a relationship work, he would still have a legal obligation to help maintain his child and could be an involved and loving dad. Whatever you decide about the pregnancy, you must leave your abusive relationship. Your boyfriend is meeting none of your needs. Read my support pack Unplanned Pregnancy? as it explains where to get advice.

Fluid sexuality

My attraction to men is consuming me, but how do I tell my wife?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27950182/attraction-men-consuming-me/

All my life I’ve identified as straight but, secretly, I’ve always had thoughts about sleeping with men. Now I’m married to an amazing woman but I’ve become obsessed with watching gay and bisexual porn. I’m 34, she’s 32 and we’ve been married for two years. While I’ve always known that my sexuality was fluid, I did my best to suppress it. However, recently these thoughts have dominated my mind. Every day I’ve found myself fantasising about sleeping with men and I’ve even had several very sexy dreams about them. It’s starting to consume me, and while the last thing I want to do is cheat on my wife, watching gay porn isn’t cutting it anymore. I’m confused about whether I’m bisexual or fully gay and wish I had taken the chance to explore my sexuality before. I’ve thought about telling my wife countless times, but I’m worried about how she’ll take it. My head is such a mess and I don’t know what I should do.

Human sexuality is complicated and many people need to experiment before they understand their preference. Don’t rush into labelling yourself. You may be gay or bisexual. What matters is that you accept yourself. If you’re worried about telling your wife, talking through your feelings with someone outside of the situation first will help. Contact Switchboard LGBT+ (switchboard.lgbt, 0300 330 0630) for local counselling, support groups, and social networks. And see my Gay Worries and Bisexual Questions support packs.

Dear Deidre

My wife’s been having secret threesomes with best friend and her husband

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27926842/wifes-handbag-revealed-cheating/

When I discovered a half-empty box of condoms in my wife’s handbag, I knew she’d been unfaithful. But learning she’d been having threesomes with a female friend and her male partner was gut-wrenching. I’m 47 and my wife is 44. We’ve been married for five years. She is more sexually adventurous than me. While I enjoy regular sex, I like to “make love” in bed. Sex for me is about intimacy. But she often wants me to try kinky things, or to use sex toys. Once, when drunk, she suggested a threesome. I reacted with horror and she made out it was just a joke. Lately, she’s been going out with her best mate a lot. Sometimes she stays over so she can drink and not drive home. I thought nothing of it. But last weekend, she came home and went straight upstairs. I couldn’t find my car keys so I went to get hers from her bag. It was then I found the condoms. I’ve had the snip — so we don’t need them. I felt the blood drain from my face. When she came downstairs, I asked what was going on. I expected her to tell me about an affair with a man. Instead, she admitted to having sex with two people: Her friend and her friend’s partner. I had no idea she liked romps with women as well as men and I feel doubly cheated on. She has since begged for forgiveness, saying if I’d been more open to experimentation it would never have happened. I love her but I don’t know if I can get over this.

You have every right to feel hurt and angry. Your wife has cheated and is blaming you for not being adventurous enough in bed. If she felt you were sexually incompatible, she should have talked to you and found a compromise. Instead, she decided to fulfil her own fantasies outside the marriage. That’s selfish. Not wanting to try a threesome is perfectly fine. It doesn’t make you less of a lover or husband. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. If she truly loves you and wants to make your marriage work, I would advise couples counselling and sex therapy, which you can arrange by contacting tavistockrelationships.org. And read my support pack, Cheating, Can you Get Over It?

COLD TURKEY

Eating addiction is overwhelming

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27926837/im-struggling-with-compulsive-overeating/

I’ve been a compulsive overeater for decades and I hate myself. Food is my drug and I’m desperate to get better and lose weight.I’m a 53-year-old single man, and over the years I’ve tried everything, even taking fat-burning drugs. But I’ve never been taken seriously, maybe because I’m only a stone or two overweight like many men, and don’t look obese. While I can exercise and eat healthily for a while and lose weight, something always triggers me to overeat again. Usually, it’s an event, like a wedding or work conference, where food is abundant. I find myself stuffing my face and then I fall off the wagon. I feel like I’ve failed, so might as well carry on eating too much afterwards. Please help. I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life.

Compulsive overeating is a type of eating disorder. But it’s very hard to overcome an addiction to food because it’s obviously impossible to “go cold turkey”. It’s likely your overeating has its roots in a psychological issue – perhaps an unhappy childhood experience. Perhaps you overeat to fill an emotional hole. See my support pack on Eating Disorders and the Overeaters Anonymous website (oagb.org uk) for advice and to find local support. Ask your GP about counselling with a focus on disordered eating.

Profitable

I'm worried about my wife's dodgy business decision

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27904003/worried-wifes-dodgy-business-decision/

My wife wants to quit her well paid job to go self-employed but her business is hardly established - this is making me feel sick with worry. She’s 42 and she’s got into upcycling old furniture and selling it on auction sites. She’s got a manager’s job for a well known department store. I’m 47 and I’m a primary school teacher. At the moment, we are just keeping our heads above water. We did have a fish & chip van which we took around festivals and events to bring in extra money but my wife decided to sell it so that she had time to paint old furniture. We split the proceeds between us. Our financial set up has worked well to date - I pay the mortgage and she pays the bills. Now her money from the sale of the van has now gone on buying stock and for the rental of a lock-up. She wants my share of the money to support some marketing for her business and wants to hand her notice in. I can’t afford to take on the mortgage and all of the bills without her income. She’s going to blow all the money from the fish and chip van sale and I’m worried that soon we won’t have enough to pay the mortgage. Am I being unfair saying no?

No - you both need to agree on a plan as it affects your home. Spell out to her that you are worried. If she’s determined to make a go of this business, ask her to consider working evenings and weekends to do up her furniture. Many entrepreneurs work this way. When she’s got a shop of things to sell and she’s seeing a turnover, would be a good time to review your finances. Explain you will back her all the way but until she brings in more cash, it’s not viable for her to give up her job. Work out your household budgets using my support pack called Family Finances.

Generous

I offered to help my girlfriend financially next she dumped me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28016102/help-girlfriend-financially-dumped-me/

My girlfriend dumped me despite my generosity. I offered to pay her bills when she wasn’t earning much. I grew up in the East End of London but I’ve landed a very lucrative job as a City trader. I met my girlfriend online a year ago and I thought things were going well. She lives out of London. She’s 34 and she’s got a daughter of seven. I’m 37 and decided to sell my apartment on the river and move out to be nearer to her. She works as a waitress but she’s on a zero-hours contract. She finds it so tough to make ends meet. I said if we lived nearer, I could help her out and when she was ready, we could get a place together. The move went ahead and I now walk five minutes to her bedsit. She was struggling financially last month so I put some money in her account. Now she’s ended things with me, saying she’s not ready for this big change of life with me being nearby. What have I done?

Probably nothing - but she may be feeling she can’t compete or she feels that you see her as a charity when she’s prided herself on managing in the past. Tell her how much they both mean to you - and that you want to help her out but expect nothing in return. If she explains that this relationship has run its course, then you can’t do much about it but my support pack called Moving On will help you.

Wrong decision

I regret my transition

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27904004/i-regret-my-transition/

Transitioning from being a woman to a trans man 20 years ago is the biggest regret of my life. At the time I’d lived as a man for five years before I went through with the operation. I’m 51 now and I realised I can’t ever be a man. I want to be a woman again. I now look masculine, with no breasts and no female genitals. My workplace has been really good. I talked to human resources and changed my name back to the pretty name my parents gave me. They even got me new name tags. I’ve been trying to grow my hair but it grows very slowly and members of the public who come into our office still call me “sir” or say, “It’s Mr…?” and I have to try to put them right. I don’t recognise myself any longer and feel I’ve made a huge mistake for my actions all those years ago.

I’m so sorry. You did what was right for you at the time but now you feel unhappy and that must be awful. Talk to your doctor about getting a referral to a consultant to see whether you could be allowed hormone treatment to help you feel more feminine. Your hairdresser may have some ideas about how best to do your hair which will enhance your looks.For emotional support, reach out to The Beaumont Society, (beaumontsociety.org.uk, 01582 412 220) which helps cross-dressers, transsexuals and their families.

Dear Deidre

I’m going to snitch on my best friend’s who is having an affair

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27904001/spill-the-beans-best-friends-affair/

I’m about to spill the beans on my best friend’s affair with a married man. She’s infuriating, wandering around like a love-sick puppy whilst this poor man’s wife is oblivious. She’s 41 and she’s always been unlucky in love. I’m a man of 42 and we’ve known one another since we were at university. We’ve been through a lot together but we’ve only ever been friends. I look out for her and I’m always there to pick up the pieces when her latest relationship goes wrong. I’m married and she’s Godmother to my son. I met her recently for dinner and she had a real sparkle. I was genuinely happy for her until I realised that her elation was due to a fling with one of her married colleagues. He’s 49 and has told her that his relationship with his wife is all but over. They meet in seedy hotels in town and as soon as the sex is over, he hops out of bed and back to his wife. What makes me mad is that she believes everything he tells her and I know he’s stringing her along. I’ve met his type before. He booked them both a weekend away then left her to go on her own because he was “full of cold”. He told her he’d bought her an expensive necklace for her birthday but there were ‘supply issues’ so two months on and she’s still waiting. Last week was his best yet. She called me to see if I’d like their theatre tickets because her boyfriend “had a suspected appendicitis and was in A&E”. I’m sorely tempted to blow the whistle on the affair by letting his poor wife know all of the sordid details.

And what good would that do? You might break up a marriage and you’d certainly lose your friend. He’s made his bed, so if he gets rumbled he can live with the consequences. Tell your friend you’re worried she is going to get hurt again. She could give this man an ultimatum about their future but the chances are, he’ll lie and she’ll get sucked in. My support pack called Your Lover Not Free explains more about these sorts of relationships but the chances are, any encouragement to ditch him will fall on deaf ears. All you can do is be there for her, like you’ve been many times, when she runs to you licking her wounds.

Dear Deidre

My girlfriend's auntie is having a baby, and I'm the father

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27883722/girlfriends-auntie-baby-father/

I was having a passionate fling with an older woman at work, but then we broke it off so I could date her niece. Trouble is, the auntie is now pregnant – and I’m the dad. I’m 26 and work as a mechanic for a car dealership. This older lady is 40 and a service manager there. She looks great for her age and all the guys in the garage fancy her. One evening, her car wouldn’t start. I got it going and rather than me having to catch the train as usual, she offered me a lift. She came in for a drink at my flat and there was lots of sexual chemistry, so I kissed her. She responded and we ended up spending the night together. She was an experienced lover and taught me a thing or two. We both agreed that because of our age gap we’d be sex buddies and no more. But at Easter, we had our annual family day at work and my lover’s niece was there. She’s 22 and I fancied her. Afterwards, my lover said she could see there was something between me and her niece and that she’d never hold me back, so I decided to ask her niece out. My girlfriend’s aunt and I agreed we’d keep our friends-with-benefits arrangement private. Then we had sex once more for old time’s sake. Her niece and I have been going out now for six weeks and I feel she could be the girl of my dreams. Her aunt and I have returned to a purely professional relationship but at work last week, she told me she was pregnant and I’m the dad. We were both single at the time but I don’t know how my girlfriend will take the news. Also, if I went on to marry my girlfriend, my child would be my wife’s cousin.

It’s a mess. I’ll spare you the lecture about unprotected sex as you’re already paying the high price. Is your ex-lover sure she’s going ahead with this pregnancy? She may feel her biological clock ticking but she must feel confident she can cope as a single parent. Secrets have a habit of coming out so if she’s determined to go ahead, you’ll have to tell your girlfriend. If you stay together, you’ll need to prepare yourself for potential criticism from within the family. My support pack called Unplanned Pregnancy will show you where to find emotional assistance.

COMPUTER SAYS NO

I deleted important files at work in error & I'm scared of losing my job

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27988499/deleted-work-files-slose-job/

A HUGE mistake could cost me my job. I’m 52 and ­married with two children. Recently, I deleted some important files at work, in error. I got two folders with similar names mixed up. I tried everything to get them back, but it was too late. I’m so disappointed in myself, and I’m worried I might lose my job. I have let down my partner and my children. My partner is supporting me, but I don’t know what to do.

On a practical level contact your company’s IT department to find out if the files can be recovered. Even deleted items are often held before being permanently wiped. If there is no chance of them being restored, it would be best to talk about the situation to someone senior who you trust. Perhaps you could recommend a more robust procedure be developed. It’s natural to feel bad but try to be kind to yourself and think about this error constructively. We all make mistakes, it’s how you learn from them that matters.

HOME HELP

My partner ran off with a new man while I took care of her dying mother

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27988643/partner-ran-off-dying-mother/

MY partner betrayed me while I took care of her dying mother. I only found out after a holiday company called our home phone asking about an all-inclusive stay at a resort. I’m a 53-year-old man, and my ex is 55. We had been living together for five years, and I used to take care of her mother before she passed away. I told the company they must have made a mistake, but they were able to tell me my partner’s name and our address. My partner denied knowing anything about an all-inclusive, so I just moved on, thinking it was a mistake. Then three weeks later, when my mother-in-law passed away, my partner ran off with her new man. Soon after I heard that they went on an all-inclusive break, which has made me think she was cheating all along. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. I spent three and a half years looking after my mother-in-law so my girlfriend could work, go out with her friends, and even go on holiday. I fed my mother-in-law, did her laundry, and visited her every day at the end when she was in a hospice. I was the main carer and my life was dedicated to my mother-in-law, but my partner was happy, so I never complained. I just wanted to take the stress off her shoulders. But the reality was I put my life on hold, I lost contact with friends and didn’t pursue a career because caring took over. So now I’m left with absolutely nothing. I’m struggling to process it all, and I don’t know what to do. My world has fallen apart.

This will have been a horrendous shock for you. Not only have you lost a woman you have cared for, you’ve also lost your partner. My bereavement support pack aims to explain the feelings we experience while we grieve for someone we were close to. Unfortunately, you cannot control how your ex-partner behaves. You have been treated badly by her so don’t pressurise yourself to move on quickly. It’s important that you take your time to process things properly. Please take pride in the fact you took good care of her mum when she needed someone. You are clearly a good person. My support pack Mending Your Broken Heart will allow you to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

LOSING MY RELIGION

My ex's faith came between us

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27926832/lost-love-life-religious-beliefs/

I lost the love of my life over our differences in religious beliefs. Even though it’s been several years since we split, and he is now married to someone else, I can’t get over him. I’m 38 and still single. He is 40. We met ten years ago at a pub quiz and it was love at first sight. Talking to him was so easy, it felt like I’d known him for ever. He said he felt the same. We started dating but though our relationship was wonderful, there was a big gulf between us – he’s a committed Christian and I’m an atheist. He told me he could only settle down with another Christian. I knew I couldn’t convert or go to church so, eventually, we split. But we carried on being best friends and, even when he met another woman, continued to talk for hours every week. Then he told me he was getting married. He loved his fiancee but wasn’t “in love” with her the way he was with me. We tried to stay friends but, every time we spoke he realised it was me he wanted. So he broke off contact. That was three years ago. I still miss him so much and look at his social media every day. I haven’t dated anyone else. No other man compares.

Your ex did the right and kind thing by breaking off contact. It’s time to accept that, just as he has moved on, so must you. He may seem like the perfect man for you, but you’re looking through rose-tinted glasses. He wasn’t, because of your irreconcilable views on religion. You can meet someone again, even someone more suitable, if you allow yourself to be open to try. You need to stop following his life online and concentrate on building your future. Read my support packs Moving On and Mending A Broken Heart.

Dear Deidre

I discovered my best friend's upsetting secret after his death

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27971896/best-friend-sleeping-wife-died/

Sorting through my best friend’s affairs after his sudden death I was devastated to discover his secret - he’d had an affair for years with my wife. Now I’m wrestling with the pain of this double betrayal and don’t know if I should end my marriage. I’m 57 and my wife is 55. We’ve been married for 30 years. My best friend was a huge part of my life from our college days, until he died aged 56, a year ago. I had no idea that for five years, about a decade ago, he and my wife had been cheating. Worse, she was planning to leave me, to be together. Our marriage was generally good. Over the years, our sex life diminished, but I believed this to be normal. I certainly never suspected she was unfaithful - let alone with my closest friend. Last year, he died suddenly from a massive stroke. I was devastated.As his best friend and executor to his will, I agreed to help his wife sort through his possessions, when she was finally ready. I was going through his paperwork when I found a folder hidden away at the back of his desk. To my absolute horror, it contained photographs of my wife, and love letters. They discussed how and when they would come clean about their affair, and their plans to leave. Eventually, the affair fizzled out. Since then, I haven’t been able to sleep. I did ask my wife if she’d ever cheated on me, but she denied it. I haven’t told my late friend’s wife what I discovered. I still love my wife but I don’t see how I can stay married to her, knowing what I know.

This is a horrific betrayal, made worse by the fact your friend has died, so you can’t ever confront him. It’s possible for couples to stay together after an affair, but it requires complete honesty and effort from both partners. You need to talk to your wife again and tell her what you’ve found out. Then, if she is willing to explain and wants to make your marriage work, you need to discuss how you can repair it. My support pack, Cheating, Can you Get Over It?, should help you.Also think about counselling - my support pack on this tells you more. As for your late friend’s wife, perhaps it’s best to say nothing. It’s possible she already knows or suspects, but hearing it from you would only cause her more pain.

Cash up

My friend is not the same since I lent him money

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27904008/friend-changed-lent-him-money/

My mate has gone all weird since I lent him some money with no sign of him paying me back. We have been friends since school and are both 35. I’ve got mobility issues since I had a motorbike accident. He’s been good to me, especially through the pandemic, getting me shopping and taking me out when he can. Recently his brother died and he asked me to lend him some money to help with funeral costs. I lent him £500. He was supposed to start paying me back two months ago but when I asked him, he changed the subject. He’s not calling around as much as he did and when he does come to see me, he only stays 10 minutes. His neighbour has told me that he’s borrowed money from her too and apparently he is having vodka delivered by a delivery company almost every other day. Can I get my money back?

I’m sorry to say that I doubt it, unless you had something in writing from him. It sounds as if he’s grieving his brother and drinking is allowing him some escape. When he calls in again, tell him you understand how tough he might be finding things and you’re worried about him. Encourage him to find some help from a bereavement counsellor. Sue Ryder (https://www.sueryder.org/ 0808 164 4572) offers six weeks of free bereavement counselling. You’re more likely to start getting repayments if he’s mentally in a better place.

Booze or bust

My out of control daughter is pushing me to the edge

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28037756/giving-up-alcoholic-daughter/

I feel like giving up on my daughter. Her addiction to alcohol has become so damaging that I’m seriously thinking about walking away. I am her 71-year-old father. My daughter is 40. She started drinking when she split up with her partner over a decade ago. It got so bad that her son who was only five went to live with his grandma, my ex-wife. He is 14 now and doesn’t want anything to do with his own mum because she has let him down so badly. She regularly gets into trouble with the law and has even received a couple of ASBO orders. She regularly gets into arguments with her neighbours and when I try to help her out, I either get dragged into the dispute or she turns on me. Her last boyfriend was arrested and sent to prison after he attacked her with a broken bottle. Now we’re worried sick because he’s due for release and know she’s not strong enough to send him packing. Last month I had to call the police because she turned up at my home steaming drunk. She tells lies and says she no longer drinks but it’s not true. I have helped her for years but I am worn down.

Dealing with a child who has an alcohol problem is stressful but it is vital that you take care of yourself. Going to a support group for families such as Al Anon (www.al-anonuk.org.uk, 0800 0086 811) can help. You can’t make your daughter stop drinking or force her to seek help and it’s not easy for someone to admit that they have a problem. You’re right to worry about the effect on your grandson. He’s picking up a message that alcohol means more to his mum than he does. My support pack Dealing With A Problem Drinker will help.

Escorted

I’ve fallen in love but I can’t stand her work

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27971898/lesbian-girlfriend-sleeps-with-men/

All my relationships have been with men up until now, and I’m feeling very confused about why I like her so much - and jealous of the men she sleeps with for money. I’m female and 28 and she’s 30. We met last year at a local music festival, queuing for the loos. She was so funny and sharp and we hit it off immediately, exchanging numbers. Over the next few months we became really close friends. One night, she came round to mine for drinks and to watch a film, and we both had too much to drink. I said she should stay over. Somehow, we ended up kissing and I was so turned on that I invited her into my bed. We slept together - my first time with a woman - and it was amazing. She said she didn’t normally like women either, but had developed feelings for me. However, the next morning, she said she had to tell me something. She confessed that she was an escort. Before that, she'd been vague about her job, saying she did shift work in bars. She wants to get out of it and get a proper job, but keeps being sucked back in by the money. I’m not judgemental, but I hate to think about her sleeping with men.We both keep saying we should stay friends, but every time we go out, we end up in bed together. I’m so confused about my feelings and sexuality, and don’t know how to cope.

Sometimes, close friendships can become sexual. We can be very drawn to people of the same sex, even if we’ve previously considered ourselves straight - and vice versa. It’s not their gender that attracts us, but their unique personality. Or perhaps she’s awakened something in you that you weren’t aware of. If you’re confused about this, then it might help to talk to someone. Contact LGBT (lgbt.foundation, tel: 0345 3 30 30 30) and read my support packs, Gay Support and Bisexual Questions for more information. As for her job, it’s natural to feel uneasy about this. It sounds like she does want to stop, so perhaps you could encourage her to find other work or training.

Thank you

You helped me leave my abusive relationship

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27971902/you-helped-me-leave-my-abusive-relationship/

After years of misery in a toxic relationship, I knew I had to leave but I was wavering. My partner used me to cook, clean and give him sex, and always put me down. He also drank too much and was abusive when drunk. I’m 38 and he’s 42. We were together for 10 years. You made me realise my gut feeling was right: he was never going to change. You sent me your support packs on Abusive Partners and Dealing With A Problem Drinker and recommended I spoke to a counsellor. I dithered but, when he started falsely accusing me of an affair, I decided it was finally time to walk away. Thank you Deidre for helping to give me the push I needed. I am now so much happier and freer, and wish I’d left years ago. I’ve been going on trips he never wanted to go on, spending time with friends and feeling confident and attractive again.

I'm so glad you found the strength to leave a relationship that was spoiling your life and looked set to get worse. I hope things continue to improve for you and that you find happiness.

LET DOWN

Everything flops during sexual intercourse but I don't want to let my wife down

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27988541/flop-sexual-intercourse-let-wife-down/

THERE are no issues when I self-pleasure, but everything flops during sexual intercourse. I’m in my fifties and have erectile dysfunction. I adore my wife, but I’m struggling to get things going in bed. We have always had a thrilling sexual life until recently, when everything started to go pear shaped. To make matters worse, after taking some ED pills, the same thing happened a few days later. I was worried my wife thought I didn’t find her attractive, which isn’t true. I thought my sex life was over until I went to the doctor and was told I have high testosterone. I don’t know what to do. How can I solve this?

If your doctor has given you the physical all clear, this issue will likely be psychological. You only need to struggle once to lose your confidence. Agree with your wife not to have sex for a week and those erections should return naturally. My support pack Solv­ing Erection Problems will help too.

Downhill slope

My depressed drug-taking daughter is affecting my mental health

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27926839/depressed-drug-daughter-mental-health/

Worrying about my depressed, drug-taking daughter is affecting my own mental health. She lives 200 miles away at university and I don’t know how to help her. I’m her 49-year-old mum, and she’s 20. She’s had mental health issues for several years, and I was so relieved when she seemed so much stronger before going to university. But since breaking up with her boyfriend last autumn and getting involved with a boy who has a chaotic life and does drugs, she’s gone downhill again. She’s been experimenting with drugs and has admitted to me that she’s very stressed. Although she’s been sensible and has seen her university GP and spoken to student welfare, she doesn’t seem to be getting enough counselling support. I feel so far away and badly want to be there for her. Thinking about whether she’s coping keeps me awake all night.

However old our children get, we worry about them and want to protect them. It does sound like your daughter is aware she needs help, which is really positive. It’s also positive that she confides in you. Keep in regular contact and make it clear you’re there for her.She can also contact studentminds.org.uk (0113 343 8440) which helps students with their mental health. If you want support too, contact familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222).

Work life

I'm a married woman but I'm desperate to kiss my boss

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/27883726/married-woman-desperate-kiss-boss/

I want to kiss my boss so much it hurts – but I’m a respectable married woman and he’s a man with a high moral compass. He’s 42 and he joined my workplace as my manager. He’s a lovely family man with two boys and a wife who seems like Superwoman. I’m happily married and have a daughter who is 13. I’m 39 and my husband is 40. My husband is great and we get along well. But this guy, well he’s something else. He smoulders with sexiness but he doesn’t realise it. He has never been inappropriate to even the slightest degree. I can’t stop thinking about him lately. We have a few nights away together soon for work and I keep fantasising that he feels the same way. In my imagination we have this one night where we flirt and then share a single kiss. What’s the matter with me?

Nothing at all. Just because you’re married, it doesn’t stop you fancying people. You can’t turn these feelings off like a light switch. It is whether you act on them that counts. This guy is happy with his lot and so are you. I’ve no doubt your feelings are real but they should stay in your head. Keep your relationship professional so that you don’t compromise yourself in the workplace. Read my support pack Looking After Your Relationship, which will give you some spark back and help you remember how much you love your husband.

Pain threshold

I'm ashamed of myself after my chronic illness diagnosis

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28083091/ashamed-myself-chronic-illness-diagnosis/

Six months ago my life was turned upside down when I got diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses. My energy levels and fitness completely plummeted. I started to struggle with pain and fatigue and became so ill I had to leave my job. Since then I’ve not been well enough to look for a new one and have had to go on benefits. I’m a 32-year-old man and I used to pride myself on my fitness and was an avid gym goer. Then when I was diagnosed with osteoporosis and chronic fatigue syndrome everything changed. Suddenly I didn’t recognise my life anymore and many of my friends drifted away. While my girlfriend has been so supportive and understanding, I feel so guilty that she now spends so much of her time caring for me. I’m trying my best to start accepting my new life, but I’m honestly devastated. My self-esteem has hit rock bottom and I feel so ashamed of myself.I feel like a complete failure and have no hope for my future.

Try to remember that what has happened to you isn’t your fault and is completely out of your control. Being unwell does not make you a failure and your girlfriend clearly doesn't think so either. It’s important you start trying to build up some positive feelings about yourself. My support pack on Raising Self-Esteem will help. Please also consider calling the Samaritans on 116 123 and contact CALM, the Campaign Against Living Miserably (thecalmzone.net, 0800 58 58 58) for support for your mental health.