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26,944,451 |
Dumped
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My boyfriend has ditched me for his best friend. I'm sure she's using him
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26944451/shock-boyfriend-best-friend/
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I Just got dumped by my boyfriend, for his best female friend, and am devastated. I’m 25 and he’s 26. We’ve been together for five years. He’s always been close to this woman, who’s also 26, but had told me they never felt anything romantic for each other. I’m not the jealous type and didn’t mind him spending time with her. But recently she split up with her boyfriend, and her mum got sick, and my boyfriend spent more time with her, saying she was having a rough time. Then last weekend, out of the blue, he told me he was really sorry but he’d realised he’d fallen in love with his best friend and wanted to be with her. I’m gutted but I don’t think she’s even that interested in him. She’s just low, and he’s a shoulder to cry on. I’m sure that one day, he’ll wake up, realise he’s made a big mistake and want to come back to me. But he won’t even talk to me about all this. How can I change his mind?
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I’m so sorry but you can’t make someone want to be with you. Maybe he’s confused. And it’s possible that you’re right, and his relationship with his BFF won’t work out, so he may want you back one day. But there’s no guarantee. Waiting for that to happen means putting your life on hold and waiting for him – all of which could be completely wasted time. Rather than begging him to change his mind, once you’re over the shock, it’s best to try moving on with your life. My support pack Mending A Broken Heart should help you. Lean on friends and family for support and make sure you keep busy. Once you’re stronger, if he does change his mind, you’ll be in a much better place to decide if the relationship is really what you want.
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26,965,634 |
LOST MY VOICE
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I've let people walk all over me for all my life - but I want to be stronger
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26965634/people-walk-all-over-me/
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I’M a 55-year-old man and all my life I’ve let other people walk all over me. Whether it’s arguments with my wife, disagreements with my family, or even problems at work, I never manage to stand my ground. People constantly take advantage of me and while I want to voice how I really feel, I struggle to speak up. Now I’m in a sticky situation after a woman crashed into my car. I was parked when she drove into the back of me. At the time I felt too weak to demand that she pay for the damage but now she’s made a claim against my insurance and I have no proof to counter it. How do I constantly let things like this happen? All I want is to become a stronger person, but it feels impossible.
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Not everyone finds it easy to be assertive. But being conflict averse or a people-pleaser means you actively avoid arguments and conflicts. By not speaking up and bottling things, you will feel a rising sense of frustration. Instead of seeing issues as a potential conflict, reframe the conversation as a way to solve or progress the issue. You don’t have to be aggressive, but stating your viewpoint is important to feel valued. To raise your confidence start to practise saying “no” in low-key situations. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself explains more.
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26,965,906 |
DEAR DEIDRE
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After more than 15 years together, I’ve discovered my husband is serial cheat
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26965906/husband-serial-cheat-sti-love-child/
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AFTER more than 15 years together, I’ve discovered my husband is a serial cheat – and got an STI to prove it. At first, I didn’t think it could get worse, but then I found out about his secret daughter too. Now I’m at a loss of what to do and my heart is shattered. I’m 40, he’s 43 and we have two children together. A few months ago I started experiencing a burning sensation and pain every time I went to the toilet. Initially, I thought nothing of it and assumed I had a UTI. However, to my horror, my doctor told me that I had contracted chlamydia. Knowing that I hadn’t slept with anyone but my husband I knew what that meant. When I confronted him he tried to deny it but then eventually admitted to a one-night stand when he saw my results. I tried to forgive him, but knew something wasn’t right so I searched through his phone. My heart fell out of my chest when I discovered that he had been sleeping with four different women. I scrolled through hundreds of messages until I stumbled across photos of a baby girl that one of the women had sent. I was so distraught I became hysterical. I confronted him immediately and he admitted everything, saying he’d been a fool and begged for my forgiveness. One affair I could forgive, but four and a secret child? How could he do this to me?
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You have a lot to process. Your husband has cheated several times, has had unprotected sex risking your health and if this child is his, has a new commitment which is entirely external to your marriage. Please only decide to stay if your husband is genuinely apologetic for his behaviour and committed to turning things around. You will both need to be prepared to discuss where everything went wrong and don’t be tempted to dismiss your issues – they would only become more problematic. Only you can decide if you want to repair your relationship or need a clean break. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you think it all through. Either together, or alone, some counselling would help you decide on your next chapter. Find support through tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).
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26,944,439 |
Dear Deidre
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My world came crashing down when my wife pocket-dialled me
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26944439/world-crashing-down-wife-pocket-dialled-me/
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My wife pocket-dialled me while she was getting intimate with her ex – hearing it made me want to throw up. I thought if I confronted her she’d beg for forgiveness. Instead, she’s said she isn’t sure she wants to continue with our marriage. I’m reeling. I’m 45 and she’s 43. We’ve been married for 14 years and have two daughters, aged 12 and ten. Until recently, I believed our marriage was a happy one. But then my wife went to a reunion of college friends, where she met an ex. She told me they’d reconnected and become friends, but I didn’t suspect anything. Then, last week, she told me she was going to meet her girlfriends for a drink. Later, she rang from the pub to say I shouldn’t wait up as she was going to be home later than planned. But she didn’t put the phone down properly. About half an hour later, I heard the unmistakable sounds of a couple getting very physical. I recognised my wife’s groans and then heard a male voice. She clearly wasn’t in the pub any longer. When she got home, I was still awake. I felt too shocked and sick to sleep. I came straight out with what I’d heard. She apologised for hurting me, but said she had been unhappy for years and meeting her ex had made her realise what she was missing. She doesn’t think she loves me and says we should divorce. I still love her, despite the cheating, and don’t want to lose my kids.I wish I’d pretended I hadn’t heard anything and just stayed silent.
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The way you found out your wife is cheating was shocking. But you couldn’t have ignored it. You’d simply have delayed the inevitable. Turning a blind eye to this discovery would not eliminate it. Instead, it would fester at the heart of your marriage and affect your whole family. Your wife’s affair is a symptom of her unhappiness. If you want to save your marriage, you need to talk to her and explain you want to try to repair your relationship, if possible. Say you don’t want to break up your family. Relationship counselling could help you, if she’ll agree. If she won’t, talking to a counsellor will help you as you go your separate ways. For details on how to get support, visit tavistockrelationships.org. My support packs, Counselling and Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, explain more.
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26,885,945 |
BEING USED
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On-off lover can't decide if she wants hot sex or just to be friends
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26885945/hot-sex-or-just-friends/
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THE woman I’m with can’t decide what she wants. One minute I’m in the friend zone and the next we are having hot sex. I have known her for two years and during this time we’ve become extremely close. We regularly spend time together. She has a son aged three and I love hanging out with him, too. I read him stories, cook for him and put him to bed – all the things a father does. I’m 34 and my friend is 31. I admitted how I felt about her but she said she had no sexual attraction towards me. Then a few months later we’d had a great day and she told me she has feelings for me. We ended up having sex. She then told me she loved me but a few days later turned cold again. I sometimes think it’s a game she plays or she simply doesn’t know what she wants. I feel really hurt and confused. I am trying my hardest to support both of them the best I can, but sometimes I feel that no matter what I do, it isn’t enough. I’ve asked her why she sleeps with me occasionally if she doesn’t have feelings for me. She says she feels comfortable around me and I’m brilliant with her son.
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She is treating you as a glorified babysitter. You deserve better than this. Your friend is using you. Ask yourself why, if you get on so well and clearly enjoy sex together, she has never wanted a proper relationship. She may have had a bad past relationship which may explain why she’s unable to form a close and trusting bond with you. A really good friend wouldn’t treat you like this. She sounds very self-centred. If she’s only offering friendship, with occasional sex and knows you want more, then she’s not for you. Get out and socialise again.
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26,873,925 |
DEAR DEIDRE
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My ex ghosted me after having an affair - but now he's sucking up to me
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26873925/strange-mixed-signals-after-breakup/
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MY ex-boyfriend cruelly ghosted me when he found a better option – but now he’s back from the dead and doing his best to suck up to me. I’m 35, my ex-partner is 40 and his new girlfriend is 37. We were together for 12 years, not that he exactly believed in monogamy. I know he cheated on me at least three times, including his affair with his current girlfriend. I was devastated when he left me, cutting all contact and even blocking me on social media. But now he has started writing cards to my 16-year-old son. The last one, which arrived on his birthday, had a £20 note inside. My son had never had a good relationship with him during the time we were together, so this doesn’t make any sense. I much preferred it when there wasn’t any contact. Now he’s unblocked me everywhere, I can see the week he left me he started flaunting his new relationship on Facebook. The gushing posts were unlike anything he’d said about me. I felt so confused. She wasn’t his usual type, and he must have known that seeing the update would hurt my feelings. A mutual friend later told me he admitted that he was cheating with this woman behind my back. To make matters worse, I was told that his family adored her while I’d only met them on a few occasions. Our relationship was far from perfect — my ex-partner financially abused me and cheated on me many times. He was also arrested on multiple occasions and I often bailed him out. I’ve told him there is no point in us staying in touch but he will not leave me alone. He’s giving me mixed signals. I’m even wondering if he wants to rekindle things. What should I do?
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This man thinks you are at his beck and call, sitting on the shelf, waiting to be dusted off. It speaks volumes that you were happiest when he’d blocked you on everything, giving you no explanation while he busied himself with his new girlfriend. Ghosting you in this way says a lot more about him than you. He doesn’t have the emotional maturity or grace to explain himself to you. But honestly it sounds as if you’ve had a lucky escape. He might be back in touch because he feels bad about his behaviour or he may regret leaving you. Perhaps he is unsettled to see you moving on without him. But try not to dwell on his reasons. Whatever his motivation for trying to reconnect with you, this abusive man has displayed several narcissistic tendencies and you would be wise to keep the door closed on him. My support pack Toxic Love explains more.
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26,923,805 |
KINK
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My dominatrix accepts my secret but I don't think my girlfriend will
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26923805/girlfriend-cross-dressing-secret/
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I’m 43 and she is 41. She doesn’t know I am a closet cross-dresser or that I regularly meet a dominatrix to satisfy my needs. I strongly suspect my girlfriend would not entertain this kink. Meeting up with a dominatrix has helped me explore what I haven’t been able to in my relationship. I don’t want to lose my girlfriend but I think she will end our relationship if she finds out. We don’t live together. I dress up in my own house. I have tried stopping but it always starts again. I am not sure how or if I should tell my girlfriend. I’m worried because my previous relationships ended when I confessed. What should I do?
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Secrets are always damaging in relationships. It’s a matter of time before she discovers the truth. A man cross-dressing can be accepted by some women. Talking to your girlfriend about it is the only way you can find out if she could. My support pack Worried About Cross-Dressing? will help you explain this to her. Your desire to be dominated will stem from deep needs which you haven’t been able to suppress. If she cannot accept it, do not be tempted to say you will stop. It’s a part of your personality you can’t halt. My support pack Fetish Worries explains more and where to get help.
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26,944,453 |
In love
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My boss is the perfect woman for me
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26944453/my-boss-is-the-perfect-woman-for-me/
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The woman I’ve fallen for is perfect in every way – except she’s my boss. I don’t know if I should tell her how I feel. I think she likes me too, but I don’t want to wreck our working relationship. I’m 32 and she’s 34. I’ve been friends with her for several years. I was in a relationship when we first met and never thought of her in a romantic way. Last year, she recommended me for a job in the same design firm she works at. I got it and, over the past few months, I’ve started to have very strong feelings for her. I think about her at night and find myself waking up excited to see her in the office. I take more care over my appearance, even putting on the after-shave she once said she liked. Despite being my boss, she never acts like my manager. We get on so well, have a laugh and can talk about anything. She’s single, however I’m scared that if I say something, it will ruin our friendship and I’ll have to leave my job.
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This is a tricky situation. Many people meet their partners at work, but some employers frown on workplace relationships and it could cause problems with colleagues. So for greater clarity, check your company policy on office relationships. Also think about what might happen if you got together and it went wrong. You could test the waters by asking, generally, how she feels about office romances. Be sure to consider all possibilities before making a move.
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26,851,578 |
Inappropriate
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My Mum's ex-partner used to kiss me fully on the mouth
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26851578/mums-ex-partner-kiss-fully-mouth/
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My mum’s creepy ex used to kiss me fully on the mouth, now I can’t trust boys. I’m a 19-year-old girl and fear I’ll never be able to have a relationship. When I was 12, my mum started seeing a man who, I think, behaved inappropriately with me. He kissed me on the lips when he said goodnight. I thought it weird but never said anything to him or Mum.They split up a few years later. But it’s had a big impact. Although he never touched me, aside from the kisses, I can’t stop thinking about it. It feels like he took away my chance of that first kiss. Now, if a boy likes me, I run away.
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You didn’t consent to being kissed on the lips, which makes it abusive. Please speak to your mum about this. If you feel you can’t, my support pack Abused As A Child has advice, and you can get free, confidential backing from napac.org.uk (0808 801 0331).
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26,944,456 |
PERFORMANCE PROBLEMS
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Is it him, or me?
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26944456/husband-cant-keep-an-erection/
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No matter what I do, my husband can’t stay hard during sex and I’m starting to worry that he doesn’t fancy me any more. I’m 48, he’s 52 and we’ve been married for 20 years. We always had a healthy sex life but over the past few years he’s become less and less interested. Whenever I try to initiate sex, he does his best to shrug me off.I wonder if intimacy is becoming a chore for him. I’ve tried everything, from sexy lingerie to sending him suggestive messages, but he isn’t interested. Every time we have had sex he’s refused to look me in the eye, and loses his erection almost instantly. The worst thing is, I know he has no problem keeping his erection when pleasuring himself. So why can’t he be the same with me? All I want is for him to show interest again but I’m left constantly feeling unattractive and unwanted.
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It’s difficult not to take it personally, being rejected like this. But when your partner goes off sex, it’s very rarely because they no longer find you attractive. If he has no problem staying hard during masturbation, this is almost certainly a psychological issue. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Say you want to solve this together. My support pack Erection Problems gives you steps you can take.
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26,802,905 |
Faith
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My parents would be furious to discover I want to become a Christian
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26802905/worried-anti-religion-parents-christian/
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My family thinks religious people are freaks, but I want to become a Christian. I’ve secretly bought a bible and I want to start going to church. It hurts that I have to hide this. I’m a 22-year-old woman, still living at home. I was brought up in a totally secular home, with parents who are anti-religion. They think anyone who believes in God is weird or stupid. But at college I’ve made some really nice friends who are Christian. We’ve talked a lot about their beliefs and their church, and I’ve been reading stuff on the internet. They’ve said I can go with them and they’ll introduce me to other people. I’ve never felt I belonged anywhere, but I know becoming a Christian would make me happy. I don’t want to have to pretend to be someone I’m not. How can I make my parents accept me?
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You’re an adult, and have the right to believe in whatever you choose. Your parents shouldn’t make you feel bad about your beliefs. Tell them why this is so important to you. Maybe they’re worried you’ll judge them. But you can reassure them this isn’t the case. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself should help you to have this conversation without making them defensive. Be patient. It may take time for them to accept you’re not like them.
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26,779,254 |
Dear Deidre
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I seduced my ex’s brother to see who was better between the sheets
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26779254/seduced-exs-brother-better-sheets/
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I miss sex with my ex so I slept with his little brother hoping he’d be just as good in bed. We split up because I’d had enough of hearing he wanted us to settle down. I wasn’t ready for that. He’s 31 and we were together for two years but I still regard myself as young at 25. I don’t want to be married until I’m at least 30 and having babies definitely isn’t on my radar. He was my first true love and things were good at first, but all he talked about were his investments and his plan for us to buy a house. All my friends were going out having fun while I’d stay in with my boyfriend and he’d talk about mortgages and selling my car so that I could put more money in the pot. It was causing arguments so I ended our relationship. He was heartbroken but I suddenly felt free. I went clubbing with friends and loved being chatted up. I started drinking more and getting off with any man who paid me attention. I have since slept with 11 men in two months. I was out last week and bumped into my ex’s younger brother. He’s 25 and I always liked him. My parents were away for the weekend so I invited him to come back to mine. I seduced him because I wanted to see which brother was best between the sheets. His younger brother was an amazing lover with coaxing from me. And although I enjoyed myself, I’ve been wondering why I haven’t heard from him since. I’m not sure why I’m behaving this way. I love sex and feeling desired but know I’m going to get a reputation if I continue sleeping around.
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Everyone enjoys receiving positive attention but the thrills of one-night stands are often short-lived. You don’t know these guys and could be risking your physical safety as well as your sexual health. And for what? Five minutes of fumbling sex, then the awkwardness of making small talk with a guy you barely know. Of course there is nothing wrong with having some fun, but it sounds like this isn’t actually what you want. Are you worried about your future after walking away from your ex? Going out, drinking heavily and having casual hook ups suggests you are trying to distract yourself. My support pack Hooked On Casual Sex? will help you to break this destructive pattern.
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26,874,190 |
RING IT IN?
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I snooped through my girlfriend's phone as I thought she was cheating on me
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26874190/snooped-through-girlfriends-phone/
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IS it OK that I snooped through my partner’s phone because I think she cheated on me? I’m 31 and my partner is 24. We’ve been together for just over six months. When we got together I went through her phone as I’d been cheated on before. I found nothing. However, I looked again recently and found she was meeting an old friend. She’s admitted she once had feelings for this friend, but he was engaged then. I asked about him recently and she denied having feelings for him. Two days later she’d erased all her texts with him. How do I deal with this?
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It’s hard to trust a partner when you have been let down before. But jealousy can also push people away. Your best path is to ask her to be open with you. But unless you have real evidence she is cheating, I would never condone snooping like this. My support packs Looking After Your Relationship and Understanding Jealousy will help.
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26,851,573 |
Dear Deidre
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I’m amazing in bed with my lover but can’t even perform with a girlfriend
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26851573/sex-partner-flop-lover-turns-the-heat-up/
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Sex became an embarrassing problem with my partner . . . so I started an affair. Now I can only perform with my lover, but I love my girlfriend and don’t want to break up my relationship. I’m 38 and my partner is 36. We’ve been together for seven years. Everything was great between us, until I started finding it difficult to perform in bed. It began when I had too much to drink one night. Soon it was happening every time we tried to have sex. My partner told me not to worry, but I lost all confidence. Then I discovered she’d shared my intimate problem with her best friend. I was angry and we had a huge row. I stormed out to the pub, where I then got chatting to a woman in her early twenties, who made it very clear that she fancied me. I ended up going home with her. And it was such an exciting and naughty situation, everything worked perfectly. Since then, we’ve slept together several times. The sex is always great. It makes me feel like a proper man again. But I don’t want to be with this woman. She’s sweet but not very interesting. It’s my partner who I love. I feel so guilty. The problem is, every time I try to have sex with my partner, I still can’t get an erection. There’s clearly nothing physically wrong with me if I can manage it with my lover. What should I do?I don’t want to give up my lover if it means never having sex again.
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Erection problems have a variety of causes, which can be physical or psychological. Your instincts sound spot on – you fall into the latter. Most likely the vicious cycle began after your first failed erection, the more it happened, the more you worried, and the more ingrained the issue became. The reason sex works with your lover is because you’re not putting any pressure on yourself to perform in that scenario. When you try to have sex with your partner, all your old anxieties come back. You’re also angry with her for breaking your confidence, and now you feel guilty too. End your affair before someone gets hurt and work on your relationship. Take things slowly in bed, focusing on your girlfriend, rather than rushing to have intercourse. My support packet Erection Problems should help. If things don’t improve, think about having some sex therapy. My support pack on this has more information about this.
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26,900,515 |
Dear Deidre
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I love my girlfriend, but I have a guilty routine when she works nights
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26900515/love-girlfriend-guilty-routine/
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I love my girlfriend but have got into a guilty routine whenever she works nights - it starts off with drinks and flirting and I inevitably end up having sex in someone else’s bed or laundry cupboard! I can’t help myself. I'm 27 and my girlfriend is 25. She works as a healthcare assistant in our local hospital. We have a good sex life and the only time we aren’t intimate is when she is working. The first time I cheated on her was with a colleague who is 26. I thought she’d never give me a second look but a few of us went out to a darts match one night and after quite a few drinks I ended up at her flat. She made it clear she was up for anything when she kissed me. We had drunken sex. It was awkward seeing her at work but we both pretended nothing had happened. A week later I was at a friend's birthday party alone and had a drunken flirt with my friend’s cousin. I could tell she liked me and soon enough we found an empty laundry cupboard in the hotel where the party was held. Although I was hammered, I managed to have sex with her. I stumbled home afterwards and woke up the next day with my girlfriend beside me. I’ve never felt such guilt. The next time she was on nights, I got drunk and had sex with a girl who works in our local pub. Nobody compares to my girlfriend and I know I’m going to lose her if I don’t clean up my act. What’s wrong with me?
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There's no mystery. Repeat after me, "I am drinking too much." In a way you are lucky. If you were sober when you cheated you’d have much more work to do. Then I’d be recommending you take a good look at your relationship and do a deeper dive on your values and ask if you are enjoying the thrill of cheating rather than fully committing? But you adore your girlfriend, were drunk and don’t want this pattern to continue. Anyone can do things they regret when judgement and inhibitions are affected by alcohol. You’re potentially damaging your relationship and sexual health, but you could also make a worse mistake if you become too drunk to even know if somebody has consented to sex. To stay in control you must cut back. Find guidelines for sensible drinking at drinkaware.co.uk.
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26,779,262 |
Cash cow
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Should I send money to the girl I'm speaking to online?
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26779262/send-money-girl-online/
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A girl I met online has asked me for money – and I am tempted to send it to her as I feel really sorry for her. I was on a dating site and got matched with this girl of 19. I’m a guy of 25. She seemed really nice and we chat most days but she actually lives in Russia. She has a baby who is seven months old and she’s struggling financially. She had a one-night stand with a guy who doesn’t know he’s a father. She can’t trace him. I hear that it’s difficult living there because food costs have gone up since the war with Ukraine. She’s asked me for £20, which I don’t mind, but she also asked whether I could send her regular payments after that. I really like talking to her and it can’t be easy for her with little income and a child to feed. Should I help her out?
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Please be wary of sending money to someone you haven’t met in real life. It is possible she could be telling the truth, but there are an awful lot of scammers online. If you’re looking for love, finding somebody locally would be better. Think about joining a new club or taking up a new hobby because finding a mutual interest is a good start and gets the conversation going. My support pack Widening Your Social Scene explains more.
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26,802,903 |
Money money
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Our landlord's rent increase has sent my blood pressure soaring
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26802903/landlord-rental-increase-streets/
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When my landlord told me he’s going to put up the rent on our flat next month, I had a panic attack. Our new bill will be more than we earn each month, and there’s no way we can pay it. I’m scared we’re going to end up on the street. I’m 34 and my partner is 37. We have a seven-year-old son. Neither of us are high earners, and the increases in bills and food costs over the past couple of years have already been super-challenging. The rent increase will now totally wipe us out and we don’t have any savings to fall back on. But our landlord isn’t sympathetic. He said he’s got other interested tenants, so if we don’t pay the increase we’ll have to move out. The council won’t help us, as we are a working family with no disabilities. Property around my area is extortionate, but moving to a new area means finding a new school and then a long commute or a new job. This is making me so anxious that I can’t sleep and keep hyperventilating.
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This situation is very stressful but there are people who can help. Even if your landlord does end your contract – serving a Section 21 – he can’t just make you leave. You’ll get at least two months’ notice. It’s important that you find out your rights, and if there’s anything you can do legally. You may be entitled to benefits too. Make an appointment with Citizens Advice (advice.org.uk) and contact the housing charity shelter.org.uk (0808 800 4444). They have information on their website about rent increases and can advise you about what to do. It might help to read my support pack Anxiety. Do confide in your partner too, so you’re not shouldering this alone.
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26,874,217 |
‘MAN’ JIBE
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My sporty girlfriend is constantly called a ‘man’, it's so sad and disappointing
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26874217/sporty-girlfriend-always-called-man/
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EVERYONE thinks I’m dating a man – as my girlfriend looks very masculine. She is 25, like me, and is actually gorgeous, with a sporty and strong look, which I love. Since her latest very short hairstyle, everyone has been asking why I’m dating a lesbian or a man. One former friend even told me they were convinced she is trans and was being dishonest with me. A couple of weeks ago we were in the pub and I could hear a table nearby debating whether we were a gay couple or heterosexual. We have been together for four years and I know categorically she is all woman. My girlfriend has been on the receiving end of similar comments at work and was so upset she went to HR. Now some of her colleagues are facing disciplinary action and she’s been completely ostracised at work “for not being able to take a joke”. We’ve had to cut off various friends, some of whom I’ve known since my school days. It’s all so sad and disappointing. We’re in a committed relationship and we love each other. Our relationship is being affected and we should be able to focus on bigger issues.
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It’s totally understandable that these comments are insulting and offensive to you and your partner. There is nothing funny about being harassed and bullied, which is what these constant comments amount to. There are many people who choose an androgynous look, so it’s disappointing when some can’t accept anything other than a feminine look. Would your girlfriend be able to talk to HR and suggest they run some workshops to raise awareness of how bullying affects people. It’s difficult to change friendship groups but try to see getting rid of these cruel former friends as the first step. The more exciting part is meeting new people who are supportive and won’t want to put either of you down. The important bit is that you know your relationship is strong and you can get through this together. If either of you would like to talk to someone in confidence, you can contact themix.org.uk, who help people 25 and under.
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26,758,495 |
Celibate
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My wife prioritises her career over our sex life
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26758495/wife-prioritises-career-sex-life/
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I feel trapped with my wife – I married the wrong person and she’s now ruined my life. We tied the knot six years ago after meeting when we worked together in a car showroom. I’m 43, she’s 39 and when we became husband and wife we both wanted the same thing – a house and family. Since then she’s changed. She decided to pursue a career as a teacher. She did a degree, is now doing her master’s and has high aspirations of becoming a headteacher of a secondary school – nothing will stop her. We’ve not had sex for two years and there is zero affection. She says I should have married somebody who didn’t want a career. She says if I want sex, I should look elsewhere. She’s the only woman I’ve ever been with. I feel it’s too late to find somebody else, and if we get divorced she’ll take me for everything I have.
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You’ve reached a stalemate where children are concerned, but at 43 it isn’t too late to move on and have a family with somebody else if that is what you decide. You are both unhappy and now talking about different aspirations so it would help to have counselling to decide if you want to stay together. See tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) for online help.
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26,851,575 |
Moving
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My husband is expecting me to uproot our life
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26851575/my-husband-is-expecting-me-to-uproot-our-life/
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Without informing me, my husband has decided to move 200 miles away – but I don’t want to go. He announced he wanted to uproot our family and move to the city where he grew up. I’m 40 and he’s 42. We have two young kids. My job is here, as are my family and all my friends. I have no desire to start again somewhere else. Neither do the children – they are doing well at school and have made good friends too. When I told my husband we were staying put, he said we could have a long-distance relationship. I told him that won’t work and we should separate. I’m so angry he made such a big decision without me, and the truth is I haven’t been happy for years. He has finally agreed our marriage is over. But he won’t tell me when he’s leaving. It’s been months, and I want him to go now. I’d like to buy him out of our house but can’t afford to. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. What can I do?
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Your husband’s selfish decision – perhaps the result of a midlife crisis – has high-lighted the unhappiness in your marriage and caused it to unravel. But it sounds like while you’re ready to call it quits, he isn’t ready to let you go. It isn’t good for your kids, who are in limbo too. Tell him you need a deadline for his departure. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, can help you with this conversation. Contact rightsofwomen. org.uk for legal advice, and see Citizen’s Advice (advice.org.uk) to get financial help.
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26,802,904 |
Relationship problems
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My marriage is sexless so should I move into the spare room?
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26802904/sexless-marriage-spare-room/
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I’m so fed up with the lack of sex in my marriage that I’m planning to move into the spare room. My wife will do anything to avoid intimacy and it is making me feel rejected and depressed. I’m 55 and she is 52. We have been married for 25 years. We have always had a loving marriage. And until a few years ago, we had a good sex life too. But after she put on weight, she went off making love. I told her I still fancied her and loved her but she said she just didn’t feel sexy any more. She kisses and cuddles me but then turns over and goes to sleep. I have tried everything – talking to her, paying her compliments, buying her lingerie, taking her away for the weekend – but none of it helps. We haven’t had sex at all for over a year. Lying next to her in bed every night feeling frustrated stops me from sleeping. I would rather sleep alone.
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Your wife seems to have lost both her self-confidence and libido. She may also be going through the menopause, which can decrease a woman’s sex drive. Moving into the spare room won’t help, it will only widen the distance between you. Tell her you are at crisis point. Couple counselling would be a good idea, if she will agree. If not, talk to someone alone. Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960). Read my Counselling and Menopause support packs.
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26,741,814 |
WON'T TALK
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My son is no longer talking to me - how did things get this bad?
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26741814/son-stopped-talking-to-me/
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I RAISED the kids alone but to my utter confusion my youngest son is no longer talking to me. The eldest son has also accused me of being emotionally incapable. I am their 74-year-old dad. My wife left me when the children were four, six and eight. She simply walked out. The children are in their early forties now. I admit I struggle to talk about my feelings and the youngest is exactly the same. I think he is scared of opening up after his mum left. He isn’t married and has never had any serious relationships. I do understand and have always been there for him. I’ve helped him out on numerous occasions but I started to feel used, as the only time I got to speak to him was when he needed something. Things went wrong when my daughter developed an eating disorder years ago. She needed a lot of my attention. The last time I spoke to my son was a couple of years ago when he rang me to tell me his sister had threatened to harm herself. I told him I’d had the same message many times over the years and sometimes I found it best not to respond. Next thing I know he was running my name down to my other son. I’ve tried phoning and texting him but he won’t respond.
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The damage your ex caused when she left still lasts today. She walked out on all of you and a fear of abandonment dominates a your relationships today. It sounds like he is suffering with low mood. When people feel depressed they often pull away from loved ones and withdraw into themselves. Family therapy would help you all and my Counselling support pack explains more. You can also turn to standalone.org.uk, which supports people estranged from their families.
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26,758,246 |
Too many
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Working from home has fueled my alcohol problem
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26758246/working-from-home-fueled-alcohol-problem/
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There's no denying my alcohol problem has become serious. I’m working from home and have my first drink around noon then by the afternoon I’m drunk. I’m a woman of 26 and realise I’m on a slippery slope. I live alone and am employed building software programs. I enjoy seeing my mates at the weekends but a couple of drinks are never enough. I wake up with the hangover from hell and vow it won’t happen again – until the next weekend. I’m worried about my behaviour during the day, though. Last week I had no wine so hit the vodka before lunchtime. By the evening I’d almost finished the bottle. I had a Zoom meeting in the afternoon but turned off my camera, and I’ve no idea what I said. Help!
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You’ve been brave in reaching out for help but are relying on alcohol way too much and are out of control. You know you risk losing your job if you can’t keep a clear head.Get urgent help from alcoholics-anonymous.org. uk (0800 9177 650) which has a section for young people on its website. Arrange nights out with your friends that don’t revolve around drinking – perhaps a bowling night or a cinema trip rather than pubs or clubs – and this may help you to avoid those hangovers.
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26,779,257 |
Colleague relations
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Should I feel guilty for my flirty work lunch?
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26779257/worried-work-lunch-borderline-cheating/
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A work lunch with a gorgeous colleague was amazing – but now I’m worrying that I was borderline cheating. I even had butterflies in my stomach as we walked to the pub, even though nothing happened, after all, I’m a married man. I love my wife so much. She’s 33 and I’m 35. We are expecting our third child in May. My colleague is a lovely woman of 28. We work quite closely together and text one another a lot about work. The thing is, she is single and I know if I were too, I’d be trying to date her. We have the same interests and she’s recently moved over to my department because she wants to learn about my kind of work. I have given her my time and she wanted to go for lunch as a thank you – her treat. It was lovely to chat with her in a more relaxed setting and I know she was flirting with me as I was with her. We’ve been professional and I’d never cheat on my wife but our sex life isn’t great at the moment because of pregnancy complications.I can’t get this colleague out of my head.
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We can all fancy other people even in the most committed of relationships. Attraction to another person can’t be turned off like a light switch. You’re aware of your feelings but also of your love for your wife. Continue to leave your work friendship as professional so that you don’t compromise yourself. Instead, channel your energy into devoting as much time to your children and make sure that your wife feels supported and cared for. That way when she’s feeling up to it, she will be likely to want to resume having a sex life with you. My support pack Love Or Lust? will help you to put things in perspective.
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26,734,943 |
BABY WOES
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We're at a loss after struggling to get pregnant because of polycystic ovaries
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26734943/struggling-pregnant-polycystic-ovaries/
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MY husband and I are struggling to get pregnant because I have polycystic ovaries. I’m 37, and my husband is 39. We want to access fertility treatment but my husband lost his job and everything feels up in the air now. I’ve been invited to investigative appointments at a clinic on the other side of my city but I don’t know how I could get there. We can’t afford taxis and I don’t know anyone who can drive me there. I told the medical staff that this clinic is impossible but nothing has been changed. We’re not sure what to do any more.
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There is a lot going on for you and it doesn’t sound as if you are getting much support. It would be worth going back to your doctor and asking for a referral to a different specialist. Polycystic ovary syndrome charity Verity (verity-pcos. org.uk) can also offer support. Please ensure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to, contact turn2us.org.uk for help with this.
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26,734,758 |
DEAR DEIDRE
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My boyfriend conned me and left me when I discovered he was cheating
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26734758/boyfriend-conned-me-cheating/
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MY boyfriend used me, conned me and then left me as soon as I discovered he’d been cheating with another woman. I feel like such an idiot for ignoring the signs that he was just using me. We met two years ago on a night out in my hometown. He was on his brother’s stag weekend and very charming. I’m 26 and he’s 27. I was surprised when he started flirting with me as I’m pretty quiet but he was great fun and I ended up staying with his stag party until the early hours. We stayed in touch and a few weeks later I visited him. We really hit it off and I couldn’t believe my luck — he is very good-looking and much hotter than any other man I’ve ever dated. My dad has made a lot of money in property and has set me up as the landlady of a few flats to ensure I always have a healthy income. After that first amazing weekend, my boyfriend told me he’d been made redundant from his estate agent job. He was gutted but he wouldn’t be able to afford to visit me. I told him not to worry and that I’d pay his train fare. I ended up covering our nights out as well. Some of my friends warned me to be careful and Dad made it clear he wasn’t keen on my boyfriend but I was smitten. After a few months he moved in with me while he set up a new estate agency. Over the next year he told me he’d been let down by clients but was about to get a big contract several times. And, of course, I believed him. I even put him on my insurance for my convertible BMW for his birthday because he said he was feeling so low about turning up to big meetings on the bus. He was delighted and loved driving around town in my car. Then I discovered a condom wrapper in the back of my car and when I confronted him his cruel answer was “all good things come to an end”. He’s gone back to his home town and as far as I know is living with this other woman.
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This man sounds cruel and shallow. And you certainly did not deserve to be treated so badly. Of course this revelation will hurt but you really have had a very lucky escape. It would have been much harder to extricate yourself from this relationship if you had been married or had children together. You were so trusting, and while you had a hurtful experience, it is out of these troubling events that we learn important lessons. Please read my support pack, Mend Your Broken Heart, which I hope will help.
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26,851,579 |
Thank you
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You helped me when I worried I’d broken my penis
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26851579/you-helped-me-find-out-i-had-peyronies-disease/
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When a passionate night of sex with my partner led to my penis being injured, I wrote to you in a panic. It had a large indent at its base and was curving sharply to the left, like a banana. Worse, my erection was weaker than before. I felt so embarrassed. I’m 45 and my partner is 42. You told me it sounded like I was developing a common condition called Peyronie’s disease and that I shouldn’t ignore it. I should see my GP and also contact the British Dupuytren’s Society (dupuytrens-society.org.uk) for advice on treatments and ways to see a specialist quickly. You also sent me your support pack on Solving Erection Problems. My doctor referred me to a hospital consultant, who confirmed I do have Peyronie’s and reassured me that it should get better. He also recommended a pump to help with my erections. Thank you for making me feel less anxious.
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I’m so glad you now have a diagnosis, and hope your condition will improve. Doctors have seen it all, so it’s important not to let embarrassment stop you getting medical help.
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26,757,218 |
Dear Deidre
|
I'm worried my wife's lover is using her for sex
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26757218/worried-wifes-lover-using-her-sex/
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My wife’s lover just uses her and instead of being angry about her affair I can’t help but worry about her. We’ve been married for 12 years. Things were fine between us until I fell from some scaffolding at work six years ago. I broke my back and had to learn to walk again. When you’ve been an active man who played football with his kids, it wasn’t easy to accept. I got depressed and had anxiety. I wasn’t easy to live with. I felt permanently frustrated and still have panic attacks due to PTSD. Our sex life stopped immediately and my wife really missed it. She’s always looked after herself and now works on reception in a gym. She fell for one of the guys who works out there. She’s 38 and I’m 40.I knew things weren’t great and then she confessed to having feelings for this guy. Now she’s asked for a divorce. He’s 36, has three kids and, as far as everyone else is concerned, he is apparently happily married. But my wife is convinced he’s all set to leave his wife and rent a place with her. She meets this guy after work and it hurts me to think about what they get up to. He’s using her. But I know if I try to make her see sense, she’ll just think I’m just being jealous. I know she doesn’t want to make things right with me — things have gone too far for that. I still love her, though, and don’t want her to get hurt. Should I tell this other man’s wife about their affair?
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You may well be right that this man is using your wife. But what would you achieve by spilling the beans about this affair? It would only reinforce anyone’s suspicion you are jealous, and by the sound of it wouldn’t encourage your wife to stay anyway. Better to talk to your wife and tell her your concerns. After that, it is up to her to decide whether she takes on board your perspective. Whatever she chooses, you could certainly do with some support through this tumultuous time. A good therapist will help you process these huge life changes. My Counselling support pack explains more. To help you come to terms with your accident, contact Assist Trauma Care (assisttraumacare.org.uk, 01788 551919).
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26,735,014 |
FEELING LOST
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My life has changed beyond recognition since my first epilepsy seizure
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26735014/first-epilepsy-seizure-burden/
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EPILEPSY has completely ruined my life. Four years ago, I collapsed on the bus home and since then I have regular seizures that come out of the blue. These episodes often lead to injuries to my arms, tendons, neck and ligaments in the back of my lower legs. I feel like a burden. My life has changed beyond recognition. I used to love rock climbing but I can’t do that any more and I’m not allowed to drive either. I’m a 31-year-old man and I’m struggling to find meaning in my life. If it wasn’t for my girlfriend, I couldn’t survive this and yet I feel awful that I am a burden to her.
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All the people around you love you and care for you. You are most certainly dealing with a huge challenge but your girl-friend won’t think of you as a burden. Please talk to your GP about how low you are feeling. They can refer you for counselling to help you adapt to your new reality.
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26,735,085 |
DANCE BETRAYAL
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My fiancée says I cheated on her after dancing with bridesmaid at a wedding
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26735085/fiancee-cheated-dancing-bridesmaid-wedding/
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I DANCED with a bridesmaid at a wedding and now my fiancée is screaming blue murder and she’s claiming that I cheated on her. She’s being so unreasonable, she’s making me think I might as well have done the dirty on her. I’m 35, and she’s 33. We’ve been together on and off for seven years. This has flared up since I went to my best friend’s wedding. It was a small affair, with only immediate family, groomsmen and bridesmaids allowed to attend. Now she’s threatening to end our relationship because I have my arm around one of the bridesmaids in a wedding photo. I posed alongside the other groomsmen and just happened to be on the end, next to the bridesmaids. During the first dance, all the groomsmen danced with the bridesmaids and I was snapped dancing with the same bridesmaid. A few years ago, we went through a pretty rough patch, and I started seeing another woman. I came to my senses and returned to my fiancée. I had sex several times with this other woman, so I don’t understand how a simple photo is apparently the end of us. My girlfriend has been to loads of events on her own and I’ve never accused her of anything like this. Is this fair on me? Did I cheat on her?
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Cheating doesn’t need to be physically infidelity, it can also include emotional or intentional disloyalty. But your intentions weren’t sexual or romantic so, no, you haven’t done anything wrong. Your fiancée, however, is highly sensitive to any suggestion that your eyes have wandered elsewhere, which shows that she feels very insecure. This is likely to be linked to your fling during the break in your relationship. If you want to make things work with her, you will need to reassure her that she has nothing to worry about. My support packs on Jealousy and How To Look After Your Relationship will help you both. If she is unable to start to trust you and refuses to listen, then you need to think about whether she is the right partner for you. Getting married is a huge step and you will need to agree on these boundaries before committing to a life together.
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26,741,624 |
DEAR DEIDRE
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Video of my husband pulling down another woman's bra strap still haunts me
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26741624/video-husband-cheating/
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THE images of my husband kissing another woman and pulling down her bra strap still haunt me. I found them in a film on his phone, which showed him with my friend. I have since taken him back but keep thinking about it. My suspicions grew after he said he was going to his mate’s to watch football but didn’t return until the early hours. As he climbed back into bed I pretended I was asleep but saw him messaging my friend on social media. The next morning I confronted him and he stormed out without any explanation. The following weeks were horrendous and he didn’t come home for three months. I have reason to believe he was still seeing my friend all that time. I am 34 and my husband is 36. We have been together since we were teenagers and have two sons, aged ten and eight. After my discovery, we began co-parenting — my husband staying with his parents. I then began to heal and everyone encouraged me to start dating again but I wasn’t interested. I’d honestly thought I’d spend my whole life with my husband. Still, friends set me up on dates and when he found out he got jealous. He promised he had stopped all contact with my friend and I let him move back home. Our families are happy we are back together but I can’t go a day without reliving what I saw. The slightest thing triggers it. I want so badly for our marriage to work but am dying inside.
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No wonder you are still reeling. You’ve been doubly betrayed. You have taken your husband back but has he recognised the hurt he caused? From what you have written, it seems you have both glossed over this devastating fracture in your relationship, hoping it will go away. But the reality is, until you both sit down and discuss the damage, what was going wrong in your relationship and what needs to change, that wound will still fester. In order to heal you will have to face the pain. It doesn’t help that you saw images of their physical betrayal. Try to make new memories or think of your own to help neutralise these memories. Relationship counselling would help, so talk to tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).
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26,708,314 |
Split
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I took the morning after pill but think I might still be pregnant
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26708314/morning-after-pill-worried-pregnant/
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When I slept with my new boyfriend, the condom split. I took the morning-after pill but I haven’t had a period and I’m worried I might be pregnant. I’m 18 and my boyfriend is 19. We’ve been together for a few months. I came off the pill when I split up with my ex. So when my new boyfriend and I got together we used condoms. One night, I realised the condom had broken. Panicking, I went to the pharmacy the next morning and took emergency contraception. I do suffer from irregular periods but it’s been two months and I haven’t had one.
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You’d be very unlucky to get pregnant having taken the morning-after pill within hours of sex but you’ll only know by taking a pregnancy test. Talk to your doctor about your periods as there may be a better pill for you. My support pack about contraception explains more.
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26,708,303 |
Unhappy marriage
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I count down the days until my husband leaves to work away
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26708303/count-down-husband-leaves/
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Every time my husband returns from working abroad, I count the days until he’s back on the road. I’ve realised I’m so much happier when he’s not around and I would rather be single. I’m 40 and he’s 42. We have two children together. When we first met we were deeply in love. But once the kids came along, we started to argue a lot and I guess we fell out of love. We’ve been tolerating each other, for the kids’ sake. Last year, he got a new job driving long distances. It means he goes away for weeks at a time and I’ve noticed that when he isn’t at home, I feel so much less stressed and more content. I have a better routine with the children and I even sleep better because I don’t have to put up with his snoring. The house is tidier and I can cook what I want and watch what I want on TV. There seems to be no point being in this marriage.
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Marriage is not supposed to be an endurance test.If you’re happier when you’re apart, you either need to end the marriage or sit down and work out how you can improve it. Having frequent arguments isn’t good for your children. They will also sense your stress. See my support pack, When Parents Fall Out, for more on this.Think about what is best for you and your children then talk to your husband, next time he’s home. It’s likely he isn’t happy either. It may help to have couples counselling to work out where you both stand, so contact Tavistock (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975).
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26,757,693 |
Violence
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How do I help my daughter who is being beaten up by her own son?
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26757693/help-daughter-beaten-up-son/
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I’m worried about my daughter because she keeps getting beaten up – by her own son. Her two kids are 12 and eight and they both have autism. My grandson is the older child and has been prone to violent outbursts since age seven. School is really good and he doesn’t behave so badly when he’s there, but he’s terrible towards his mum if he doesn’t get his own way. The local mental health team has been involved but won’t give him any medication – a psychiatrist saw him and said that he wasn’t violent and didn’t have any need for it. But I’ve seen how terrible he can be, punching and kicking his mother and sometimes his sister. The house is full of tension, it’s truly awful. I’m 58 and try to have my granddaughter stay over on a Friday night so that my daughter can have one-on-one time with her son. It worked initially but now he’s back to hitting his mum again. My daughter is 34. The kids’ dad lives out in the Middle East for work and is only home twice a year.
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Your daughter has reached a crisis point, and her son’s behaviour may be more extreme because her husband is away so much of the time. If the mental health team feels he isn’t violent, she needs to collect some evidence, maybe with the installation of a camera if these outbursts are too difficult to record in other ways. For her physical safety and that of both of her children, she needs a family meeting, preferably with her husband, to sort out the next steps. She can get support at ambitiousaboutautism. org.uk (020 8815 5444) and Parental Education Growth Support (pegsupport.co.uk). They can arrange one-to-one consultations and find help through a peer support group.
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26,708,299 |
DNA
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My Dad's deathbed secret is haunting me
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26708299/revelation-dad-told-me-haunting-me/
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Just before my father died last year, he hinted that I’m not his biological son. I can’t stop thinking about it and want to know how I can find out if it’s true. I’m 60 and my dad was 88. My mother died two years before him. We had a normal family life when I was a child and I have two younger sisters. Like any father and son, there were times we didn’t get on, but I never had any inkling he wasn’t really my dad. But in hospital, shortly before he died of cancer, he started talking about the past. One afternoon, he said my mother had been the love of his life and he couldn’t wait to be with her, though she’d hurt him. Then he said he’d forgiven her and he loved me just as much as his daughters. When I tried to press him for information, he got muddled. He wasn’t senile, but he was sometimes confused. The next time I saw him I tried to find out more, but he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about. Shortly after, he died. I’ve tried to put it out of my mind but the thought he wasn’t my real father plagues me and makes it harder to grieve. None of his generation is left to ask.
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The shocking news that your dad may not have been your father is compounding your grief. But without anybody alive to ask, finding out the truth may not be possible. Talk to your sisters about this. Perhaps they know something. They may agree to take a DNA test with you, which will show if you share the same parentage. If you would like to do this, contact Cellmark (cellmark.co.uk, 0800 036 2522). However, think carefully. If you find out he wasn’t your dad, it might make you feel worse. Counselling would be a very good idea, so you can talk this through and get help for your grief. See my support packs on counselling and bereavement for details of how to access this. Remember, being a father is about so much more than DNA. The man you called Dad loved you, and brought you up. That won’t change.
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26,708,318 |
Thank you
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You helped my friend when she was caring for her husband
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26708318/helped-friend-caring-husband/
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My best friend is a full-time carer for her husband and has really struggled so I wrote to you for advice. We’re both 60 and have been pals for 40 years. Her husband is 65 and has severe physical and mental health problems. As it isn’t safe to leave him, her only social life was going to the corner shop. He’s also abusive. She’s miserable and exhausted but I live 100 miles away, so it’s really hard to help. You reassured me that my concern and friendship were of value, even if I couldn’t help practically. You sent me your Help For Carers and Abusive Partners support packs to pass on to her. And you told me to encourage her to talk to her GP about the impact this was having on her. I’m pleased to say that things have improved. She has arranged to get carers in, so she can go out occasionally. She even got some respite care for her husband and came up to stay with me for a weekend. Her mood is a lot brighter. Thank you for your advice.
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It’s good to hear that your friend’s situation has changed for the better and you were able to spend time together.
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26,741,935 |
FEELING GUILTY
|
I don't want to be with boyfriend anymore but I also don't want to hurt him
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26741935/guilty-ending-relationship-with-boyfriend/
|
THE more time I spend apart from my boyfriend, the less I want to see him. When I got a promotion I knew it would take up a lot of my time. I’ve effectively chosen the job over him. I’m 41 and my boyfriend is 33. We have been together for two years after meeting online. I did work up the courage to tell him that I wasn’t happy and couldn’t see a future for us a year or so after we got together. He didn’t take it well. It came as a shock to him. He made it hard for me with the guilt trips and telling me how much he loved and missed me. We ended up getting back together but don’t meet up as regularly. He’s noticed that I’ve deliberately not opened messages from him. I take longer hoping he’ll get the hint I’m not that into him. I don’t want to hurt him but I also know I don’t want this relationship.
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Ending a relationship is never easy. But by stringing this out you are simply prolonging the inevitable. Don’t let this relationship continue to drift when you know it isn’t what you want. You will only end up bitter and resentful. Let him down gently, but do be firm. He will be hurt but will be able move on more quickly if you are honest and respectful of him. My support pack Ending A Relationship will help you.
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26,613,814 |
Red flags
|
Should I be worried that my husband is being secretive with his phone?
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26613814/worried-husband-hiding-phone-laptop/
|
Whenever I walk in the room, my husband always closes his laptop and puts his phone down. I haven’t challenged him on this recently but I am worried about why he does this. In the past when I have confronted him, he told me he only wants me and that any suspicions I have are misplaced. I have made it clear that if I ever find out he has cheated on me, there is no way I’ll put up with it. I am 43 and my husband’s 44. We’ve been married for 15 years. I know he loves me and gives me attention. We have sex regularly so what is it with his phone? Why doesn’t he stay on it if he hasn’t got anything to hide? The last time he did this I had a dream that same night that he was going to cheat on me. I’ve had dreams like this before. Is it my subconscious telling me he is cheating or is it something he is planning?
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Can you pick a moment to talk to him again? Say that when he is so secretive about his phone, it is enough to make anyone have doubts. Ask him to share what he’s looking at. If he is innocent then it may be down to your own insecurities. Dreams tell us about our fears, not about what is actually happening or is going to happen. My support pack Dealing With Jealousy will help you.
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26,708,293 |
Dear Deidre
|
I’m worried my sexual kink is perverted
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26708293/worried-sexual-kink-weird-perverted/
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The thought of my girlfriend having sex with another man turns me on so much that I want to make my fantasy a reality. But I’m worried this makes me a bit weird or perverted. I’m a man aged 46 and my partner is 45. We have been together for three years. A few weeks ago we were in bed, tipsy, when we started talking about our exes and what we had got up to sexually with each of them. As she described her previous sexual experiences, I found myself getting more and more excited. Since then, we’ve talked about it every time we have had sex, and it has made our orgasms so much stronger. We even carried on our fantasy when we went to a restaurant. We discussed the men at the other tables, and I got her to describe exactly what she would let them do to her. Last night, I voiced my thoughts, saying to her: “We should stop talking about it and actually do it. I want to watch you with another man.” I was nervous that she would tell me where to go, but I think she liked the idea of it too. Now I’m concerned that there’s something wrong with me for wanting this. I’ve never felt this urge before with anyone else, and yet now I am obsessed with it. I have no idea how to go about arranging it, though. I don’t want it to be a man I know. But you can’t just go up to a stranger in the pub and ask him to have sex with your partner, can you? Should I try to pursue this or should I put it out of my mind?
|
Having this type of sexual fantasy is far more common than you would imagine, and it doesn’t make you weird. Wanting to see your partner with another man is wanting to be a cuckold. But turning fantasies into reality rarely goes the way you’d imagine. Even if your partner agrees, and you can find a willing man to have sex with her in front of you, you don’t know how it will make you feel. You could become jealous or upset. And the worst case scenario is that it would have a negative effect on your otherwise strong relationship. Talk to your partner about this carefully and make a joint decision you are both comfortable with. Sometimes fantasies are best kept in the realm of imagination. Read my support packs Sexual Fantasies and Swapping And Swinging for more on this.
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26,688,699 |
EX STRESS
|
Should I move in with my ex even though she doesn't want me back?
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26688699/move-in-ex-doesnt-want-me-back/
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WHEN my girlfriend broke up with me I was heartbroken, but I knew I needed to work on myself. Now, months later, she’s seen my progress and has offered to let me move in with her - but only as a friend. I’m 28, she’s 27 and we were together for three years. During the last year of our relationship, I admittedly treated her very poorly and constantly started arguments. We had arranged to move into a house together when she finally had enough and broke up with me. It was the wake-up call I needed. I started therapy and taking medication for my mental health. I’d been sofa surfing for months when she reached out and offered for me to move in with her. She said she could see I was doing better and wanted to help, but that I shouldn’t get my hopes up for us getting back together. Now I’m torn about what to do. I need a place to live but I’m worried moving in together will only hurt me more.
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It’s clear that she still cares for you and wants to support you, but I’d be wary of moving in together. If she just wants to keep things platonic, consider how living in close proximity to her will impact you. While it’s possible you could rekindle, if you don’t, living with her will only hold you back. You need to put your mental wellbeing first and think about what’s best for you. Read my support packs, Relationship MOT and Moving On to help you.
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26,741,759 |
PERFORMANCE ISSUES
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I had a messy divorce - now I can't get it up with my new girlfriend
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26741759/struggling-erection-after-divorce/
|
I HAVE met an amazing woman but am struggling in the bedroom. She’s the first since a very acrimonious divorce. I am a 42-year-old man. My wife had an affair with a colleague and left me for him. She went on to divorce me to be with this guy. When we were arguing and breaking up, she taunted me about how good a lover this man was. After three years, I am finally starting to move on. But when it comes to sex I am struggling to maintain an erection. My girlfriend is 38. She thinks I haven’t got over my wife and that’s why I can’t perform in bed. I really like her and I am terrified I’m going to lose her. She said that I can’t get an erection because I don’t fancy her. It couldn’t be further from the truth. She is gorgeous. I still get morning erections. It’s only when we try to be intimate that I can’t perform.
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Your girlfriend may be right – not that you don’t fancy her, but that you may not be over your ex. Your wife humiliated you with her comments about the other man’s sexual performance, so there could be some emotional damage that you have pushed away. You are getting morning erections, which further suggests it is a psychological issue. My support pack Solving Erection Problems explains self-help.
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26,577,843 |
Nervous
|
Will my performance anxiety end my relationship?
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26577843/performance-anxiety-end-my-relationship/
|
I’m struggling so much when it comes to sex and worried my girl will leave me. I met my partner when she applied for a job to help me out in my cafe. She’s lovely and we are both 51. We worked together for about a year before I found the courage to ask her on a proper date. We now live together and it’s great but when it comes to sex, my erections are so weak. I’ve had a recent check-up with my doctor and he says I’m in good shape for my age. I’ve been alone for 10 years so I don’t know whether I’m out of practice. I can get turned on quickly enough and at the start, my erections are really good and hard but after a moment or two I begin to lose it. I know I have performance anxiety but how can I improve my sex life?
|
A 10 year lapse without sex can affect you physically. There can be other factors too such as pornography addiction, being overweight, alcohol or smoking which may apply to you. Performance anxiety affects a lot of men who have one bedroom disaster, then they worry and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can improve things if you focus more on your partner and making her feel good and don’t even attempt intercourse until you have rediscovered your confidence. My support pack called Solving Erection Problems will help you to get your mojo back.
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26,577,841 |
Red flag
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My new man's strange request has thrown me off my guard
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26577841/new-mans-strange-request/
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I’ve been dating a guy for three weeks and he’s just asked me to lend him some money. Is it me or is this a strange request so early on in our relationship? He’s a 41 year-old man and he works as a coach driver. He takes people, mainly pensioners, up and down the country on holidays. I met him online and we chatted for a month before we met up. I’m 39 and I’m looking to settle down and so is he. He’s a divorcee with two children. We saw one another three times the first week and now we are dating and hoping we can develop our relationship. He told me that his son was going to be 13 last week and asked me to lend him £120 for a gaming chair for his boy. He said because he’d been travelling all week he hadn’t managed to get to the bank. These days, you don’t need cash to buy a gift so it sounded strange to me. I turned him down. I talked to my sister about it and she told me to end it with him but he seems really nice. I’m not sure whether this is a red flag and where it leaves our relationship.
|
This doesn’t sit right. As you say, you don’t need cash to buy a gift these days and even if he did, there are better options other than asking someone he’s recently started to date for a loan. While I do think it is suspicious, if you are determined to give him the benefit of the doubt - please keep you eyes open to any further questionable requests to ‘borrow’ money. If he asks again, at the very least it may be a sign that he can’t manage his finances, which may well be an unwanted complication in your life. You absolutely did the right thing by refusing him.
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26,577,846 |
Working hard
|
My big life change has turned into a huge disaster
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26577846/life-change-huge-disaster/
|
My big move across the country, to start a new job and move in with my partner has been a huge disaster. Having left all of my family behind, I’m not coping with the challenges that have been thrown my way. I don’t know what’s come over me. My partner is divorced with a son and daughter and we’re hoping to buy our first home within a year. But for now, while we save, we’re living in a tiny studio apartment and we’re snapping at each other because we are completely on top of each other. I’m an assistant to a female director in a new company. But it’s less ‘girl power’ and more ‘bullying boss’. She’s very difficult and rude. The money is good but she’s vile to me and everyone around her. I’ve been feeling so low the last few months that I’ve started self-harming - I don’t know what’s come over me. My partner is lovely but I’m lost without my family.
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Your workplace should be a supportive environment. We can all feel stressed at times, but your situation is affecting your mental health so something has to change. Please talk to your boyfriend and doctor soon. The quicker you get support the quicker you can start your recovery. If your company has an human resources (HR) department, talk to them about your working environment. If it hasn’t, then talk to Acas (acas.org.uk, 0300 123 1100). They provide free advice on workplace issues. My support pack on self-harm will show you where to find further emotional support.
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26,577,840 |
Dear Deidre
|
I was the last to learn about my wife's nasty little secret
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26577840/thought-happily-married-video-work/
|
My wife cheated on me with a maintenance man at work and I was the last to find out. I work as a restaurant manager for a hotel and my wife is a receptionist in the same place. That’s where we met. After arriving at work one day I found a gaggle of the kitchen and waiting staff laughing and smirking at a video. One of them nudged the others as soon as they spotted me and they tried to carry on as if nothing had happened. Later on I demanded to know what was going on. The head waiter eventually showed me a video of my wife walking out of a store room adjusting her skirt. Moments later the maintenance team member walked out looking smug. It was obvious what they’d been up to. And the head waiter confirmed that all the staff knew about them. I was so humiliated and angry, that I stormed home and demanded an explanation. Once she admitted the fling, I insisted she move out of our home and back with her parents. Devastated, I told my family and friends all the gory details about her betrayal. I went back to work and told everyone she’d made a fool of me. The staff felt sorry for me. She regrets her fling and has begged me to take her back but how can I, now everyone knows about what she did? I’m a man of 40 and my wife is 41. We’ve got one daughter, 12, and I thought we had a happy marriage. We were like ships that pass in the night but I was happy. Now things are awkward at work. We both go out of our way to avoid each other and they are even more difficult at home when she comes to spend time with our daughter.
|
You must do whatever feels right for you and your family. Everyone else comes second. Their opinions are irrelevant outside of what you and your wife agree. It may seem impossible to believe right now, but I hear from many couples who worked through an affair and say they are closer than ever. The person who’s cheated often realises they want the relationship they already have. The injured party can sometimes realise they’ve taken their partner for granted. Don’t put on a front, pretending nothing has happened won’t help either of you. But do make sure you are protecting your daughter from any tension. Instead find some help through a counsellor at Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975) so that you can decide how to bring your relationship back on track.
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26,613,803 |
Dear Deidre
|
My husband upgraded me with a woman one year older than our daughter
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26613803/husbands-sexual-conquest-unable-sleep/
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My husband is having sex with a woman one year older than our daughter. He has left me for her but they aren’t living together because she still lives with her parents. The whole sorry episode is so totally humiliating. He left me nine weeks ago and I still feel as if I’m grieving. I am 54 and my husband is 56. We have been married for 27 years. This woman is 28. He only admitted he was leaving when I found him packing his bags. He’d got a small flat lined up and said he “wanted to do the right thing” so was letting me stay in the family home. The cheek of it! They met at our leisure centre where they both went to early morning swimming and she knew right from the start that he was married. He has given up everything for this woman. I have family and friends who I see most days, but I cannot shake this feeling that I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to live this life without my husband. I am not sleeping even though I take sleeping tablets I bought over the counter. I am awake in the early hours while terrible thoughts go round and round in my head. It has been a very long couple of months, bringing nothing but disillusion. What can I do to move on and stop these thoughts?
|
You are grieving for the life, relationship and husband you have lost. You will have imagined your future together, and now he has left, that has been shattered. It would be wrong to pretend recovery can be quick and easy, but it can happen if you focus on taking it a day at a time. It is entirely normal to feel utterly betrayed and broken. And, understandably, sometimes the pain feels so bad, not being here feels like the only way forward. But there is hope. See your GP and explain how you feel and think about seeing a counsellor. My support pack How Counselling Can Help explains more. It is early days so be patient and allow yourself time to heal. You are fortunate to have a strong friendship network so do lean on them for encouragment and comfort. My support pack Mend Your Broken Heart will help you to pick up the pieces.
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26,652,401 |
Social circle
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I'm so lonely, it's making me ill
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26652401/im-so-lonely-its-making-me-ill/
|
Although I’m only in my late thirties, I’m so lonely it is making me ill. I have always found it difficult to make friends – and those I do have don’t make any effort. I’m a 38-year-old woman and live with my partner, who is 40. But he goes out to work early in the morning and comes home late at night. He often works away, too. I work from home, so I rarely see or speak to anyone during the day. I’ve tried making friends locally. I will go to a cafe and try to chat, for instance, but people don’t seem interested. As for my old friends, if I don’t contact them, they never get in touch.It feels like nobody cares about me. I’m so down that I have no motivation to do anything but mess around online or watch TV, which I know doesn’t help. I feel low and tired and have no energy. The future looks so bleak. Please help.
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It is not only old people who suffer from loneliness. Feeling like this is not healthy and it is good that you are asking for help before you really make yourself ill. Do talk to your partner and see if he can spend more time with you. Also think about getting a job where you are based in an environment with other people. My support packs Feeling Lonely and Widening Your Social Scene should help. If you think you are getting depressed, make an appointment with your GP.
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26,512,467 |
DEAR DEIDRE
|
My colleague tricked me into affair — I didn't know he was married with family
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26512467/tricked-by-colleague-into-affair/
|
MY colleague tricked me into having an affair with him. He never told me he was married or that he had a family. By the time I found out the truth, it was too late and I was emotionally hooked. He is everything I ever wanted — really fit, successful and funny. Not to mention we have an amazing time in bed together. However we are caught in this twilight zone — we love each other but can’t be together. We’re both in our early 40s and have worked together for five years. Our affair started two years ago. I only discovered he was married when his wife called me in tears. She had found messages between us. At that point we had been seeing each other for a year. She sent me family photos showing their two little boys, who are five and three. I was in total shock and felt so guilty. The revelation made me feel sick and I ended things. After his wife told me everything, we didn’t talk for two months. Then he showed up at my door saying he couldn’t live without me. He was so sincere and I knew I wouldn’t be able to shut him out. I let him in and we rekindled our affair passionately. Even though it doesn’t sit easily with me, my feelings for him are so strong and I haven’t found the strength to do the right thing. He has even cried in bed saying I’m his perfect woman and he loves me more than his wife. But still he gets up and goes home to her. I’m trying to look for another job, so I don’t have to see him on a daily basis. That way I figure I may be able to get away. Still, at the moment I don’t have the emotional strength to deny him. What should I do?
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This relationship isn’t going anywhere. You will only become more emotionally attached to him, which will cause you further distress long term. You’re already feeling extremely guilty because you have spoken to his wife. This affair could also be affecting their children as well. Ultimately, the best thing you can do is end this relationship and put some serious distance between both of you. If you could get a different job that would certainly help you focus your attention elsewhere. He is married and seems to have little intention of genuinely sorting out this mess. He’s content to sneak to you then return to his family. If he had planned to leave his wife, he would have done it by this point. Please value yourself and think about the kind of relationship you want. You deserve someone kind, loving – and available. My support pack Your Lover Not Free? will help you to move on.
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26,480,161 |
Uni dates
|
Should I ask out my attractive roommate?
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26480161/should-i-ask-out-my-attractive-roommate/
|
Ever since I moved into my student accommodation, I’ve had the hots for my roommate. I want to ask her out, but I’m worried things will be awkward if she says no. We’re both 19 and first-year students. I liked her from day one and was so disappointed when she told me she had a boyfriend back home. Since October, we’ve become good friends. We talk, cook and have a real laugh together. Recently her boyfriend dumped her and she has been crying on my shoulder. Now she seems happier, I want to tell her how I feel. But if she rejects me, living together will be unbearable.
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You’re wise to be cautious – especially as she is only recently single. Take things slowly and keep talking. Gauge when she’s ready for another romance.
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26,480,139 |
Dear Deidre
|
My lover’s controlling ex is stifling in our relationship
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26480139/lovers-controlling-ex-meddling-relationship/
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I am having the best sex of my life, but my lover can’t break away from her controlling ex. Although I would really like to make our relationship official, I’m starting to think we will never be together. I’m 34 and she’s 28. She has a daughter, who is four, by her ex.We met at a work away-day last summer, although we’re in different departments so don’t work closely together. From the start we had amazing chemistry and the sex was unreal.She told me she was single and had split up with her ex more than a year earlier. I assumed she only saw him when she had to hand over or collect their daughter. But spending time with her has always been difficult. She can’t stay at mine because of her little girl, but she doesn’t like me staying over at her place either — even though I’ve met the child and get on really well with her. Sometimes she’ll literally hand me my pants and trousers after sex and tell me to go home! I’ve started to feel like she’s embarrassed of me. When I asked her to be honest with me, she broke down and admitted that her ex is still very much a part of her life. She can’t get rid of him. He sometimes stays on the sofa and she never knows when he’ll turn up drunk and nasty. She says he is insanely jealous and doesn’t want her to meet anyone new. I think she may even be scared of him. I really love her and she loves me too, but I can’t carry on like this. I don’t want an illicit relationship, I want a proper girlfriend and a future. What can I do?
|
I realise how frustrating this is for you, but if you truly love this woman, you need to be patient. She is in an abusive relationship. Even though they have split, he’s still controlling her. This isn’t unusual, particularly when there is a child involved. Please ask her to read my support pack, Abusive Partners, so she understands more about the situation and can get help. She also needs to take legal advice. Tell her to contact Rights of Women (rightsofwomen.org.uk), a family law helpline focusing on domestic abuse. Advice from there can assist her in formalising access arrangements for their daughter. She may also need to get the police involved to stop him from turning up whenever he likes. Let her know you’re there for her and will protect her.
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26,543,826 |
DEAR DEIDRE
|
My boyfriend cheated on me with swingers and now I want to leave him
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26543826/boyfriend-cheated-with-swingers/
|
MY boyfriend said he was going to play pool with his mates when he was secretly meeting a couple he’d met on a swinger’s website. I only found out the truth when I turned on his tablet and saw his profile page on a swinging site. I knew things hadn’t been great between us for a while but this discovery completely rocked me. I’m 36 and my boyfriend’s 38. We’ve been together for seven years For months he has pushed me away to the point where I’ve felt unloved. What is bizarre is that recently he seemed happier and started to make an effort with me. He admitted to cheating when I confronted him, adding that he doesn’t know why he has behaved this way. He insists he wants to be with me and says it was just sex. But clearly the trust has gone and I’m now thinking about moving out. Since I started questioning everything, I made a further discovery that he has also been having a virtual affair with a woman in the US. They’ve been talking for hours, sending naked videos to one another and planning to meet one day. He has apologised for hurting me and admitted I deserve better but he’s made it clear he’s not motivated enough to fight for our relationship. I feel I have no choice but to leave him, which is easier said than done. I still love him but I’m not in love with him after the way he’s behaved.
|
Men are better at compartmentalising their feelings and actions than women, so he may not have seen this as having any bearing on his feelings for you. He says this was just sex but could you ever be happy accepting a man who is sleeping with others? The fact that he hasn’t fought for your relationship really tells you all you need to know. It’s good that you’ve observed the difference between loving him – the man you’ve been with for years – and blindly loving an idealised version of him, despite the infidelity. He would have to be truly sorry to make a success of your future but he doesn’t seem to regret his actions at all, moreover, he’s only given you a half- hearted apology at best. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? may help, but deep down you know what you need to do.
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26,446,980 |
EX STRESS
|
I can't get my troubled alcoholic ex off my mind
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26446980/cant-troubled-alcoholic-ex-off-mind/
|
WHEN I broke up with my troubled ex-girlfriend I thought I’d feel like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders, but months later I still can’t get her off my mind. Every time I think I’m starting to move on, I get pulled back by all consuming thoughts of her and I take ten steps back. I’m 42, my ex is 39 and we were together for four years. From the beginning of our relationship, she struggled with her drinking but there were always more good days than bad. However, over time she began to spiral out of control. While I always did my best to support her, it became apparent she would often turn to alcohol to suppress her anxiety. On far too many occasions she'd stumble home after being out all night ignoring all my texts and calls. My trust in her started to diminish when I started finding out about her drunk antics with other men. On a few occasions, we broke up because of our constant arguments, but somehow we always found our way back to one another. After years of constant back and forth, it’s safe to say I was drained. I finally decided to end it when she turned up to my mum’s birthday meal totally plastered. Ever since I can’t stop questioning if I did the right thing.
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It is completely natural to wonder about ‘what could have been’. But realistically unless your ex was able to confront and control her issues by which I mean the anxiety and drinking, you would never have been able to have a relationship with that version of her. You’ve started to forget the very valid reasons you broke up with her. You did everything that you could - for years. If you had stayed it would only have brought you down more. As hard as it is right now, know you have had a lucky escape. I’m sending you my support pack Moving On to help you through.
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26,543,827 |
UNHAPPY FAMILIES
|
Husband's put-downs are alienating my children and we all dread visits
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26543827/husband-alienating-children/
|
I AM dreading Easter when my married children and families come to visit. I look forward to spending time with them, but my husband always puts me down in front of them and it just causes a bad atmosphere. I am 68 and my husband is 71. We married 20 years ago and don’t have children together. My children, a son and a daughter, are from my first marriage. My husband will wait until I finally sit down to ask for a cup of tea, if I start a conversation with my children, he butts in and insists that I sort something for him. He has mobility issues so I do a lot of running around for him – I am used to it – but he takes it to a new level when my family visits. He demands all my attention every five minutes. It is ridiculous and I think my children would visit more if he wasn’t so overbearing and rude.
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Deliberately and publicly humiliating you is a form of emotional abuse and it’s especially damaging for your children when he does it in front of them. He may feel threatened or jealous of the close relationship you have with your family, but neither of these explanations excuse his behaviour. Tell him that you are no longer prepared to put up with his behaviour and you will have to think about leaving the relationship if things don’t change. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help you to talk to him.
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26,613,809 |
Abuse
|
My ex and his mum have conveniently forgotten the truth about our relationship
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26613809/ex-mother-hard-truth/
|
Both my ex and his mother refuse to admit the relationship I had with him was abusive. They insist it was all in my head – they are in denial. Whenever I raise the subject they insist the relationship is in the past and tell me to forget about it. I am 32 and my ex is 34. We were together for five years and have a three-year-old daughter. Recently my ex and his mum have become more involved as my ex wants to see our daughter. Everything is much more stressful now. I am trying my best to co-parent with him but I find it really tough sometimes. He was abusive and the fact that no one acknowledges that is hard. I cannot forget. The memories are always there.
|
Being in denial is a defence mechanism against facing up to the uncomfortable truth about what was happening in your relationship. His mum is complicit in this. Your ex isn’t taking responsibility for his behaviour. He may be ashamed or feel guilty. His mum wrongly believes her son can do no wrong and his upbringing was perfect, anything otherwise raises questions about her parenting. It’s easier for both of them to live in denial. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested MasterChef winner shuts Michelin-star restaurant & sends message to fans Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Please get some support for yourself and advice on how to set up your access so that you and your daughter are protected. Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk) will be able to help.
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26,512,761 |
BETRAYED
|
I stayed with my husband after he cheated – but l found new texts to his ex-lover
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26512761/took-husband-back-after-cheating-texts/
|
AFTER my husband had an affair with a younger woman, I took him back. I’m 52, he is 55 and we’ve been married for 33 years. My husband used to work further up the country, so he was often away for long periods. During this time he had a five-year affair with a woman who is ten years younger than him. When I found out, he promised he would end their relationship.I stupidly believed him. Now I’ve found new texts between them both. He has told her he misses her and she has said the same. I confronted him but he lied, saying they were just talking and he wants me. Should I give him another chance or end our relationship?
|
You do deserve better treatment than this. I would be wary about taking him back. Unless he seeks professional help, he will not change and you will risk being hurt again. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you.
|
26,403,053 |
Escape
|
My abusive partner refuses to leave our marriage
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26403053/abusive-partner-refuses-leave-marriage/
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After 12 years in a horrible relationship, I’ve realised my children are suffering too, and I need my partner to leave. But he refuses to go, and I can’t afford to. I feel trapped and desperate. I’m 40 and he’s 42. Our children are nine and seven. My partner is horrible to live with. He goes out all the time, drinks too much and never helps with the kids, so I can’t ever go out. He won’t do anything as a family, saying he finds children’s activities boring or he’s too busy. I work too, yet also have to do all the housework and childcare - even when I’m sick. When I try to talk to him, he makes out that I’m harassing him and being a nag. He even says I’m controlling! I suggested counselling and he just laughed. Last week, my older child said she doesn’t think Daddy cares about her, and it broke my heart. That was it! I told him I wanted him out but he said he wasn’t going anywhere. I’ve looked into leaving with the kids but on my part-time income I can’t afford to rent anywhere, and as I’m on our joint mortgage, I’m not entitled to social housing. I’ve had enough. Please help.
|
Your partner is selfish and abusive. When he calls you controlling, he’s gaslighting you. As you’ve realised, this situation isn’t good for your children. They need to feel their dad loves them. You need emotional and practical support. Counselling would really help you. See my Counselling support pack. Perhaps, if you start going, your partner will eventually agree to join. You also need financial and legal advice. Get initial help from Citizens Advice (advice.org.uk) and contact Only Mums (only mums.org) who provide free legal advice. If possible, try to start putting a small amount of money aside, so you have the means to leave.
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26,373,724 |
Dear Deidre
|
I caught hubby texting young lover - I took him back but they're still talking
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26373724/caught-husband-texting-younger-lover/
|
I’ve taken my gorgeous, good-looking, cheating husband back but he’s still talking to his much-younger lover and I feel like a mug. My husband has always been a Jack the Lad-type. When he first took an interest in me, I thought he was out of my league. But he seemed obsessed with me, proposed within six months and we married in a whirl a year later. We are both 33 and have two daughters. Once they were born, I devoted myself to them. If I’m honest, I considered him second. Unsurprisingly, sex became irregular and he didn’t seem bothered by our lack of a sex life or me. Then I saw a message on his phone ending with heart emojis. I called him out and he admitted he was seeing somebody from work. I was heartbroken. I felt ugly, unloved and blamed myself. He left us and moved back with his parents for a few nights before moving in with her. She is 27 and very pretty which doesn’t do a lot for my self-esteem. I did my best to move on and tried online dating. I’d only had two dates when my husband heard about it and turned up at my door saying he’d made a mistake. Stupidly, I invited him in and we had sex. He brought his stuff back over the next day. We’ve agreed on where we went wrong and what we can do about it. We’ve even booked a holiday for the summer. But yesterday he left his phone at home when he went to work and a couple of messages came in. They were from the same woman. I don’t think he’s broken up with her and for all I know they are having sex in the broom cupboard during their lunch hour. How can I have been so stupid?
|
You don’t know for sure that he’s answering her messages. Rather than bottling things up, tell him what you saw on his phone. Let’s hope he can reassure you it’s one-sided. Insist that he blocks her number and if you’re to move on from this, you’ll need some couples counselling. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975) which is able to provide online therapy services. If things don’t improve and you discover that he is still cheating, you may need to seriously consider separating amicably, for your own sake and for the sake of your daughters.
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26,373,737 |
Married
|
My jealous ways are leading me to cheat on my wife
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26373737/jealous-ways-cheat-wife/
|
I’m so jealous of my mates and colleagues. Their lives are full of drama involving secret lovers, break-ups, threesomes and numerous risque encounters. As a “happily married man”, I realise that’s not the sort of thing I should be coming out with. I’m 31 and I’ve only been to bed with one woman – my wife who is 32. I hadn’t even kissed a girl until I met my wife at university when I was 19. We met through a friend and I plucked up the courage to ask her out. Our relationship has been incredible. We have three kids and both of us have good jobs, but I still feel there’s something missing. I’ve had strong feelings for two female colleagues but I’ve made it clear that I’m married. I then kick myself for cutting off any chance of having a fling with them. One of the girls is single and in my team. She’s 29. I’ve spent time dreaming about taking her to bed. We had to work together at an exhibition recently and I almost kissed her after a few drinks one night. Thankfully, a nick-of-time call from my wife helped me come to my senses and I didn’t do anything. Why do I feel as if I want to complicate my life when, from the outside, everything for me looks really perfect?
|
There are probably many people who feel the way you do, thinking the grass is greener on the other side. It doesn’t mean it is, though. Your peers who have played the field would probably trade places with you in an instant for a loving family life without the drama. There’s no reason you can’t experience the thrills they do – but with your wife. Get a babysitter and have some date nights. You can get some ideas on how to spice things up by reading my support pack, 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex.
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26,373,746 |
Obesity
|
My Dad keeps commenting on my weight
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26373746/dad-keeps-commenting-weight/
|
When I couldn’t squeeze myself into a tub chair in the pub, my dad shouted out in front of all my family that I should watch the programme called My 600lb Life. It was my grandmother’s birthday and when I got there, the only chair left at the table was not suitable for someone large. I was so humiliated. My cousin found me a different chair while I went to the toilets for a good cry. My mum said afterwards that my dad, who’s 50, was sorry and he shouldn’t have said it, but he’s always making comments about my weight. I’m 24 and female and I’m only too aware that I’m a size 20 but I work in a fast food restaurant where they give us a free lunch. It isn’t easy to start eating salads. My parents have invited all the family out for my birthday meal, which is later this month and I don’t want to go because I know that Dad will show me up again.
|
Your dad’s comments were upsetting and clumsy but may come from a good place if he is worried about your health. If you feel you want to lose weight then my support pack on Weight Worries will help. Start by taking your lunch to work, which you’ve prepared at home. Find a moment to talk to your father, explaining that you would like his support rather than negative remarks in front of extended family.
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26,373,741 |
Age gap
|
Will my younger husband go off of me?
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26373741/will-my-younger-husband-go-off-of-me/
|
I’m worried my husband will quickly go off me because of our age gap and how old-fashioned I’ll seem. He’s a younger man at 30 and I’m a man of 51. We’ve been married for four years having met at a Gay Pride event in London. I couldn’t believe he wanted a relationship and not just a quick hook-up. We got along so well we dated for a year and then got hitched. But I’ve realised that our tastes are so different. I’m so typically camp, loving Kylie and George Michael, while he’s into bands which are really unusual and some I’ve never even heard of. He’s also listens to DJ sets but it sounds like a load of noise to me. He goes to the gym and likes to play quadball, whereas I enjoy watching cricket. It seems so dull in comparison. I feel I shouldn’t have married him, as unmarried partners it would be easier for him to walk away when he’s had enough of being with this old guy.
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He wouldn’t have married you if he didn’t love you and they say that opposites attract. It is fine to have separate interests as long as you find things that you can both enjoy. It shows a willingness to have your eyes opened to something new and it can enrich your relationship. My support pack called How to Look After Your Relationship has more hints on how to keep the love alive.
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26,403,059 |
Working hard
|
My workplace is full of catty women
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26403059/workplace-full-catty-women-miserable/
|
My workplace is full of catty women and it’s making my life a misery. I’m not being bullied but nobody asks me to join them for lunch or after work drinks, and I’m not part of their WhatsApp group. I’m 32 and have been working in a large hair and beauty salon for two years. The other women constantly moan, bitch and slag each other off. Then they’ll be best mates again the following day. That’s not how I operate, and it upsets me. I feel like I have nothing in common with them. They obsess about reality TV and which celebrities they fancy whereas I’m into the comedy scene. They even look down on my packed lunches - I like to have salads and fruit - while they go out for takeaway burgers. The only girl I like is leaving soon because she’s moving away from the area. I feel so ostracised, bored and lonely that I’ve started to dread coming into work every day. What should I do?
|
We spend so much of our lives at work, it’s no wonder this is getting you down. While it doesn’t sound like these women will ever become your best friends, it’s worth trying to make an effort with them. Sometimes people gossip as a way to relieve boredom. But there’s nothing to stop you making conversation about other things. It sounds like it’s time to start thinking about looking for a new job. It would help to grow your social life outside work. See my support packs on Feeling Lonely and Widening your Social Scene.
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26,480,144 |
Affair
|
My secret lover's daughter has blocked our future
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26480144/lovers-daughter-coming-between-us/
|
Since my lover has been in hospital, his daughter has removed me from his WhatsApp and social media accounts. Now I have no way of contacting him or finding out how he is. I’m anxious and worried he’ll think I’ve abandoned him. I’m 46 and married, and have been having an affair with this 49-year-old divorced man for the last 18 months. We’re madly in love and the only reason I haven’t yet left my husband, who is 53, is because I have two young children. But my lover and I have been planning our future and want to be together. He was driving to meet me in a hotel a few weekends ago when he was involved in a car accident and was taken to hospital with serious injuries. I found out because I got a message from his phone, sent by his daughter. He must have asked her to contact me. The following day, I went to message him to see how he was and the message didn’t go through. I slowly realised I had been deleted from all his apps and accounts. His daughter must have read our messages, which makes me feel sick, and realised we were having an affair. Clearly she doesn’t approve. I feel helpless and frantic. I don’t know his daughter’s number and, even if I could get it, I don’t know if she would talk to me. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Major beer brand placed into administration & staff 'made redundant' But of course I can’t talk to anyone else about how I feel because my affair is secret. I miss him so much. I can’t bear to think that he believes I don’t care about him. What if he dies? I might never even find out.
|
Being the other man or woman is lonely when something serious happens, as you’ve learned. It wasn’t his daughter’s place to delete you from his phone, but she is probably upset and angry. At least his family is with him, so he’s not alone. If you know which hospital he’s in, you can call for news and send a card so he knows you are thinking about him. Hopefully, he’ll make a full recovery. Once he has, you need to make some tough decisions about your future. It’s not fair to your husband or children to live this double life. Read my support pack, Your Lover Not Free, for more on illicit relationships.
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26,543,877 |
SO SELFISH
|
I told my daughter I am jealous she is happy with her boyfriend
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26543877/daughter-jealous-boyfriend/
|
INSTEAD of being happy and excited when my daughter told me she had a boyfriend, I blurted out that I was unhappy and knew it meant she’d be spending more time away from me. I’m a 48-year-old single mum. My daughter’s 23 and her boyfriend is 25. I now feel so embarrassed about my reaction. I have met her boyfriend and he seems lovely. To my shame, I was overcome with jealousy and I really upset my daughter with my selfish reaction. I love my daughter so very much and I want to spend as much time with her as I can, but how do I get over my insecurity? I want her to be happy and healthy. I don’t want to be someone who holds her back. She is my only child after my husband, her dad, died over a decade ago. I need to stop being so selfish, but for some reason I don’t know how. I have apologised to my daughter but I am still worried that she will be spending all her free time and her holidays with him instead of me, and that is something which scares me.
|
It’s not unusual to have these feelings but the fact that you recognise your resentment is very encouraging. You need to start making changes, otherwise you risk further alienating your daughter. Since your husband died, the two of you have depended more than ever on each other. But your lives are evolving and while it will take time to adjust, with the right steps you will get there. It would be worth exploring if your jealousy could be rooted in a fear of abandonment. After the shock of your husband dying, could you be terrified you will also lose your daughter? Find new interests and friends so you are not so reliant on your daughter. My support pack Dealing With Jealousy will help.
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26,335,388 |
Lonely
|
I'm engaged, but my fiancé isn't who I thought he was
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26335388/engaged-fiance-isnt-thought-he-was/
|
I’m engaged to be married and should feel on top of the world – but feel so lonely. My partner and I have been together for ten years. We met when I returned from travelling around America and Australia in my twenties. I’m now 35. I wasn’t looking for love but met my fiance, who is 40, at a quiz night when I was out with colleagues. He seemed nice and it was an easy relationship to get into, but as time passed I realised how closed he was and we’d argue more and more. There’s no conversation. I try to talk to him but get one-word answers unless he disagrees with me, then there’s a row. We never have sex, not even on holiday. He once told me I’ve become too fat, which has broken me. I long for children and worry I’m too old to start again and find someone who’d want a family with me.
|
Your life needn’t be like this. If you feel you aren’t with the right guy, please don’t marry him and sign yourself up for more years of misery. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to have somebody who respects you and who you want to raise a family with. It’s not too late for that. My support pack Addictive Love may help you to see this relationship for what it is, and where to find emotional support so you have the strength to move on. Check out meetup.com to find new friendships too.
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26,335,389 |
Loved up
|
Will the woman I like change her sexuality for me?
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26335389/woman-change-her-sexuality-for-me/
|
I keep hoping a friend of mine will change from lesbian to heterosexual because I’m male and in love with her. Is that possible? I’m 27 and she’s 25. We met at college in our teens and there was an instant connection for me, but she told me she was gay. She has had many relationships but in between women we would get close, again and kiss and cuddle, usually when we were drunk. It felt incredible. I really thought we had something special but when she was sober she’d remind me she liked women. I’ve never met anyone like her. I’ve tried dating but other women aren’t the same. So what do I do? Do I keep seeing her and torment myself? Or tell her our friendship is over? I lie in bed thinking about her and, when I wake up, I long for her to be in my arms. I want to stop feeling so torn.
|
There’s obviously a connection between you but she has been clear she likes women. While our sexuality is on a sliding scale and isn’t always fixed for our whole lives, many people do feel their sexual preference remains constant and you need to respect that. You don’t have to end the friendship. But cooling things, to give yourself the space to meet someone who does want a relationship with you, would be wise. My support pack, Finding The Love of Your Life, will help you.
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26,446,985 |
DEAR DEIDRE
|
My younger lover has relit my fire
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26446985/younger-lover-relit-fire/
|
AFTER years of feeling miserable in my marriage, I’ve started a passionate affair with a younger man. At first, it was only about the sex, but over time we’ve grown to really care for each other. I don’t want to hurt my husband, but I can’t stop thinking about starting a new life with my lover. I’m 53, my husband is 55 and we've been married for 27 years. Over time things have grown stale between us. We never do anything romantic together anymore and I can’t even remember the last time we had sex. At this point, I feel as if I live with a friend. So when a charming 40-year-old man took a shine to me in our cycling club I became wrapped up in the attention. It wasn’t long before our constant flirting turned into something more and he asked me on a date. From that moment things have been a whirlwind. We started sneaking around every chance we got and the more time we spent together the closer we became. He’s everything my husband is not - caring, loving and romantic. Now I’ve fallen head over heels and want nothing more than to build a future together. He says he understands my situation and will give me all the time I need but I feel so guilty about the idea of leaving my husband. While the love between us has faded, I know it will break his heart and I can’t bear the idea of him being all alone. I’m so stuck. What should I do?
|
While things have grown stale in your marriage, try to remember you’re in the heady, early days of romance with your lover. For now the mundane reality of what this new relationship would resemble in the long term isn’t even on the horizon. Tell your lover you need to end your affair to work out your next steps. Speak to your husband honestly, and tell him you have been unhappy in your marriage. You’ve been married for nearly three decades, so even if you do decide to walk, this will be no easy feat and I’d definitely recommend counselling so you can work things through with dignity. Leave because you are unhappy, not because you have a lover by your side. I often hear from people who have torn their life apart and then discovered life with their lover hasn’t measured up. My support pack Torn Between Two Men will help.
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26,335,386 |
Slapped
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My work colleague took an unforgiveable liberty with me
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26335386/work-training-course-turn-worse/
|
A guy who fancies me at work slapped me hard on the bottom after a training course. Now he stands to lose his job. He’s 49 and I’m 37. We are both single and we were friends. That was all it was – I never fancied him, but he was always asking me what I was doing that evening or at the weekend. I could tell he was flirting with me. One evening in our hotel after training, he came up behind me at the bar and slapped me so hard, it brought tears to my eyes. The friend I was standing with was shocked. When I turned around, the guy was walking away with his head down. I felt embarrassed and angry because he was somebody I liked. My friend went on about it and said I should speak to HR. So when we went back to work, I reported him. Now my friend has been asked to give a statement about what happened and I understand the company is investigating this as possible gross misconduct. But the guy seems to be popping up in the office wherever I am at the moment. He makes me feel so uncomfortable, and I felt disrespected when he slapped me. I feel dreadful about the whole case.
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He's not the man you thought he was. You’ve done nothing wrong. This was a physical assault. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested MasterChef winner shuts Michelin-star restaurant & sends message to fans Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Smacking you very hard is a strange way to show you that you’re liked. This may be down to his unconventional social skills but that’s not your fault. If he loses his job then he’ll have to move on, but it may stop him from doing the same to somebody else. Keep a note of any time when he comes near you in future, just in case you will need it for evidence. That way, you can substantiate your case if HR asks for more information.
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26,512,617 |
UNAPPRECIATED
|
No one bothers to do anything for me on Mother’s Day – I feel so overlooked
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26512617/stressed-overlooked-mothers-day/
|
MOTHER’S Day is always such a disaster in our house, and not for sweet reasons like my kids spilled the tea or their present didn’t arrive in time. No, it’s awful because no one bothers to do anything for me, and then I get upset because I feel overlooked. I end up stomping around the house until I finally burst into tears and shout at them. I’m a 44-year-old mum to two sons and a daughter – all of them in their teens. I work full time, as does my husband, 47. We both work hard but he still has plenty of time to sit on the sofa and watch TV while I sort out the washing or help the kids with their homework. The chores are never ending. I don’t feel like I ever stop. Every spare minute I have is helping someone else out or cleaning up after them. No one ever asks me what I would like to do, or even bring me a cup of tea in bed. Worse still, I am expected to cook a special dinner for my mum and my husband’s mum on Mother’s Day. I spend the entire time biting my tongue because neither of them lifts a finger and they leave all the cooking and cleaning up to me. My husband manages to help me clear the dishes but that is it. And the kids slope off to phone their friends as soon as they can. The whole time it doesn’t seem to occur to anyone else that perhaps someone could do something nice for me as I am also a mother!
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I really hope that you and any other mums in a similar position are reading this early enough in the day to make a difference. Instead of simmering this year, tell your husband and children that this Mother’s Day you would like to be properly appreciated. And when they ask – well, what do you want? – have some ideas ready. So many women put themselves after everyone else, and their families grow used to it. To be honest, you sound burned out. With three teens and a husband it’s time to start asking the family to share the daily chores so you can enjoy a little down time. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself should help.
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26,335,385 |
Dear Deidre
|
I can’t look at Mum after she and her best friend gave me the shock of my life
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26335385/cant-look-mum-shock-life/
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I got the shock of my life when I caught my mother getting it on with her secret female lover. I’m a man of 31 and married with a daughter of three. My parents seemed happily married and I assumed they were looking forward to retirement. My mum is 58 and dad 59. Mum has good friends and one of them from her fitness class is her best pal. She’s single and younger than Mum, at 55. They go away for lots of weekends together and I’ve never suspected a thing. For Dad’s birthday, Mum arranged a fishing trip to Scotland. The plan, as far as I was aware, was that Mum would travel with him but stay with relatives. But at the last moment, she told Dad she felt unwell. So he travelled there alone. But little did I know — when I strolled into the house, to get our bikes we store in their garage, I was horrified to see Mum with her female friend. Her friend was in her bed and Mum was coming out of the bathroom naked — both looked completely shocked to see me. Mum immediately started apologising, and pleading with me to keep their secret. She later admitted she’d always felt bisexual but married my Dad because she loved him. I told my wife and she says my mother is asking too much of me. My dad has a heart condition and I don’t want to tell him but I can’t even look at Mum now.
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Your mum has burdened you with her guilty secret, which isn’t fair. You could speak with your father but he may feel ashamed that his son had to point out something he should have realised. Perhaps he already suspects your mother is having this affair but is ignoring it, hoping it will end soon. So by telling him, you’ll take away his coping strategy. Find some time to talk to your mother again and insist she decides what she wants to do. Recommend she talks to a counsellor to work this through properly, and insist she tells your father if their marriage is over. You would also benefit from talking to someone removed from this situation. You can both find a qualified therapist through the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk, 01455 883300).
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26,403,056 |
Depressed
|
Is my partner using me as her carer?
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26403056/partner-only-with-me-carer/
|
When my partner is depressed - which is most of the time - she has no interest in sex. It’s making me feel like she only got together with me so I could be her carer. I’m 38 and she’s 34. We’ve been together for eight years. I’ve always known that she is prone to anxiety and bad depression. But it feels like it’s got worse. At the beginning of our relationship, she made an effort and we had great sex. Now, she’s down more than she’s not, and she never wants to make love. She won’t even kiss me and barely talks to me. She’s on medication, which I know doesn’t help. I love her and know there’s more to a relationship than sex, but I feel shut out. It feels like she only wants me around so someone can do the housework, cook and pay the bills. I feel rejected and lonely and don’t know how things will ever get better.
|
Being in a relationship with someone who has chronic and severe depression is not easy, and you shouldn’t feel bad that it’s too much sometimes. Depression is known to affect libido, as are some medications prescribed for it. Talk to your partner. Make it clear how much you love her and want to help her, but also want to improve your relationship. It might also be possible for her GP to change her medication and refer her for counselling. See my support pack on Depression for more information and sources of help.
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26,613,807 |
Retail therapy
|
My manager was stealing and threatened to blame me
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26613807/manager-extreme-measures-drug-habit/
|
To feed her drug habit, my former manager has been stealing money from the restaurant where I worked. I caught her doing a line of cocaine in the storeroom one day but she claimed a bag of flour was leaking and she was just cleaning it up. I let her think I believed her but she can’t fob me off that easily. I really enjoyed my job but now the owner of the restaurant has realised the accounts don’t add up. My manager is blaming other workers and has accused them of stealing. Everyone is really upset but nobody will speak up and say they know it is her as she is very good friends with the owner. I am a 22-year-old man and she is 31. I have quit my job so I don’t get the blame but I hate the way she is getting away with it. She drinks all day without paying. She sometimes hosts lock-ins and lets anyone help themselves to drinks. I would like my job back but I can’t work there with all that’s going on. I am so tempted to tell the owners the truth but I don’t want to get anyone into trouble.
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Some people apply different standards to stealing from their employers than they do from individuals, but it is all theft. If you want to consider going back there, speak to your former manager. Tell her you know what she’s been doing and that you think it’s wrong how she’s blaming other staff. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested MasterChef winner shuts Michelin-star restaurant & sends message to fans Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Tell her you are worried about her health and let her know it’s only a matter of time before the owners catch up with her. Hopefully her conscience will kick in and she’ll ask for help, or will leave. You can get further advice and support from Acas who help with workplace issues (acas.org.uk, 0300 123 1100). My support pack on Standing Up For Yourself will help you broach this tricky subject with her.
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26,303,889 |
HARD TO SEE
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My daughter has postnatal depression and we don't know how to help her
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26303889/my-daughter-has-postnatal-depression/
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MY daughter has postnatal depression. She recently gave birth to my grandson but it was a traumatic delivery. She has since needed the crisis team to see her because she feels like a burden. I’m her mum, in my 50s. My daughter and her partner are in their 20s. We were always close but I can’t seem to get through to her. I’ve stayed with her and my son-in-law to help her get a good night’s sleep and have persuaded her to see her GP. But our GP surgery is useless. I’m terrified for her welfare and I don’t know what else I can do except continue to reassure her that life will get better.
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Depression is a scary and tough condition to live with. To try to help your daughter, read my support pack on depression. Keep talking to her and offering your support. You will ultimately get through to her. She may also find it helpful to look at the Birth Trauma Association site (birthtraumaassociation. org). It supports parents in her situation.
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26,446,975 |
ADDICTION ANXIETY
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I'm finally clean from drugs but worried sick I'll slip up
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26446975/clean-drugs-worried-sick-slip-up/
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AFTER five years I’ve finally managed to get clean from my drug addiction, but I now spend every day worried I’m going to fall back into my old habits. I’m a 30-year-old woman and I was 22 when I first started dabbling with drugs. I had fallen into the wrong type of crowd after I finished university and they were always experimenting with different types of substances. To begin with, I could take or leave them, but over time I started exploring more hardcore drugs. I wasn’t thinking of the lifelong consequences, what mattered was hanging out and keeping up with my mates. Then by the age of 25, I was fully addicted to cocaine and I lost all sense of purpose. I became a horrible person and would say and do anything to get my next fix. My addiction took over my life and I lost countless friends and family members before I finally went to rehab six months ago. Now I’m sober and I have regained hope for my future, but I live every waking moment worried I’m going to slip up.
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Well done for taking the hardest step and getting clean. Overcoming addiction isn’t easy and you should be very proud of yourself. But you are right - staying clean is constantly challenging. When life throws its latest challenge your way the temptation will be to turn back to drugs. Narcotics Anonymous (ukna.org, Tel: 0300 999 1212) can help you stay clean, when those inevitable challenges arrive. Contact StandAlone (standalone.org.uk) for more advice on reconnecting with estranged family.
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26,318,622 |
NARROW MINDED
|
My mixed-race husband and I are stuck living with my racist brother
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26318622/mixed-race-husband-brother-racist-views/
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MY mixed-race husband loathes my brother because he won’t keep his racist opinions to himself. The biggest problem is we all live together and we can’t afford to move out. My brother is never directly racist to my husband but sounds off about other black, brown or mixed people with his narrow-minded prejudices. I’m 34 and my husband’s 36. We live in a house with my older brother and parents. It’s such a shame because mum and dad are great. The problem is causing a real divide in the house. My poor husband finds it hard to express his feelings so he bottles it up then erupts in private with me. My husband has experienced racist behaviour throughout his life. I really don’t want to lose my marriage, I don’t know where to turn.
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Your husband has spent a lifetime dealing with racist behaviour. No wonder he feels angry. It’s simply not acceptable that your brother sounds off in this way, and it’s time for you and your family to stand up to him. Talk to your parents and explain it is important that you as a group tell your brother his comments must stop. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help. Please have a look at mind.org.uk, where there is a section on racism which includes therapist contacts who work with people from minorities.
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26,318,620 |
DEAR DEIDRE
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I can't forgive husband for cosying up to stripper while I was pregnant
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26318620/husband-stripper-cosy-i-was-pregnant/
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MY husband is an outrageous flirt – but cosying up to a stripper because he was “bored of my pregnancy” is a new low. He reckons it was just “dirty talk” but he’s got such a roving eye, that I doubt he was telling me the truth. I’m 38 and my husband’s 39. We have been married for 12 years and have two kids — a newborn and a three-year-old. I know my husband talks to other women on Instagram. He must think I’m stupid because he uses his business page which doesn’t have any mention of me. He’s forgotten that I have the login details for that account. Mostly he just likes pictures of half-naked women or leaves lewd comments but sometimes he strikes up conversations. He is a landscape gardener and I work part-time in a primary school. Although he’s constantly chatting up other women I have always turned a blind eye to it, hoping there was nothing more to it. But an anonymous message made it impossible for me to ignore his behaviour. It read: “Ask your husband about his private dances.” He looked shocked when I showed him the text. He tried to deny it but eventually caved in and admitted he not only visited a strip club, but later met a dancer in a bar. He told me he’d had a saucy chat but that he didn’t touch her. He then blamed how “lame” our home life was — saying I was “always tired, cranky and heavily pregnant”.
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Discovering he visited this club secretly is hurtful but the real sting comes from the fact you were pregnant and at your most vulnerable. He thought he could get away with dishonest conversations on social media and took it to the next level in real life. Whether something physical happened or not, it is clear he has a selfish outlook. Rather than help you when you were pregnant, he decided to distract and distance himself. It’s time to put your foot down. Tell him flirting with other women, in real life or on social media, is a form of cheating and you won’t tolerate it. Ask what’s going on for him, what is he missing from your relationship and tell him what you need. If he doesn’t appreciate what he’s risking, you’ll need to decide whether it’s possible to rebuild the trust in your relationship. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help.
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26,480,163 |
Thank you
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You helped me learn to trust men again
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26480163/thank-you-trust-men/
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After my first love cheated on me, I found myself unable to trust any man. Someone would ask me out and I’d turn them down because I was scared. I’m a 23-year-old woman and was in a long-term relationship until last year. I loved my ex so much. We met at school and I imagined we would be together for ever. But he slept with someone else, and left me for her. I was devastated. I couldn’t understand how he could betray me. I tried to start dating again but found it impossible. I would run away from the possibility of getting hurt again. When I realised this was becoming a problem, I wrote to you for advice. You recommended I read your support packs, Mending A Broken Heart and Moving On, and also have counselling. You suggested waiting to date again until I was stronger. I’ve been talking to a therapist and now feel so much better. I’ve realised I invested too much in my relationship and need to build friendships too. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested MasterChef winner shuts Michelin-star restaurant & sends message to fans Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs I’m slowly learning to trust again. I’ve even been on a date. Thank you.
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I’m so glad you’re feeling better. First love is intense and hard to get over. I hope you meet someone special soon.
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26,283,095 |
Abusive
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My husband won't let me divorce him
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26283095/husband-wont-let-me-divorce-him/
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I’m so desperately unhappy at home that I’ve realised it’s time for me to leave. My husband doesn’t listen when I say I want a divorce. He just changes the subject and acts like he hasn’t heard. I’m 54 and he’s 58. We’ve been married for ten years. He’s not a bad man but he isn’t a very good husband. He always criticises me, tells me how lucky I am to have him and that I should be grateful for our nice house and lifestyle. He can be loving, usually when he wants sex. But he never compliments me. He makes me feel insecure and unattractive, like I’m not good enough. Worst of all for me, he never acknowledges what I have to say or think. I’ve told him I’m unhappy and wanted things to change. He refused to come to marriage counselling, saying it was a waste of money and we didn’t need it. When I told him I wanted a divorce, he scoffed and said it was because I was “going through the change” and was therefore moody. He said I couldn’t manage without him and I should stop being so stupid. I can’t carry on like this but I’m trapped – he insisted I gave up work when we got married, so I don’t have a job or any money of my own. It’s impossible for me to leave. I’d be out on the streets. Please help.
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Your husband may not be violent, but he is controlling and emotionally abusive, which is why you are feeling so insecure and unhappy. He has stopped you working, so you don’t have your own money, and by the sound of it he may be financially abusing you. My support pack, Abusive Partner, will tell you more. Please get support from Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk) which has a questionnaire to show if a relationship is abusive. It can give you advice on making a plan to leave safely. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Helpline, for free, 24 hours a day (0808 2000 247). Read my Divorce support pack and seek legal help. Citizen’s Advice (advice.org.uk) is a good place to start. Talk to friends and family and ask if you can stay for a while. Ultimately, you are entitled to half your husband’s assets.
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26,283,107 |
Dear Deidre
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Sex with my ex is fantastic, but can I trust her again?
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26283107/sex-ex-fantastic/
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Sex with my ex was so good that I’m considering dumping my partner and getting back together with her. But she cheated on me when we were together, and I’m not sure if I can trust her again. My ex is incredible between the sheets and is offering herself up to me again. Would I be a fool to turn down this opportunity? I’m 29 and she’s 28. We were together for three years. We were fantastic together, especially in bed. I had kind of assumed we were eventually going to get married, and had even started saving for a ring and thinking about when to make it official. But then, one day, she broke down and admitted that a few months earlier she’d slept with my best mate at a party. After that, it was different between us and we broke up. She started seeing someone else and so did I. We kept in touch and, in between relationships with other people, kept ending up in bed. Eventually, I met my now partner and said it had to end. We then stopped contacting each other. But that was two years ago. Then, last week, I bumped into her at a nightclub. We were both drunk and found ourselves in the alleyway outside, having passionate sex. It was electric — just like old times — and so much better than sex with my partner, which is nice but nothing special. My ex has recently broken up with someone and says she now wants me back, and for keeps this time. She says that she hasn’t ever stopped loving me or thinking about me. I’m counting down the hours till I can be with her again I’m so torn. I care about my partner but know I love my ex more. But if I dump my partner and get back with her, I fear that I’ll get my heart trampled on all over again. What should I do?
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You and your ex clearly have real sexual chemistry, but there’s more to a relationship than great sex. Trust and commitment are essential. She cheated on you with your best friend. Unless she can explain why she did it and prove to you that she’s changed and matured, you’re not going to be able to trust her. Talk to her. Ask her to be honest with you and think about what you really want. The right thing to do is to break up with your partner, regardless of what happens with your ex. It sounds like your heart isn’t in that relationship, and it’s not fair to cheat on her.
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26,480,157 |
Anxiety
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I'm terrified I'll be a letdown in the bedroom with my new woman
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26480157/terrified-letdown-bedroom/
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Sex with my ex was hopeless and I’m terrified I’m going to be a letdown in the bedroom with my new woman. She wants us to get intimate but I’m scared even to kiss her. I’m 34 and recently ended an unhappy 12-year relationship. My new friend is 30. My ex was my first and only lover. Unfortunately, she didn’t enjoy sex or kissing so we ended up celibate. Even though I think she had the problem, it made me feel like I am rubbish in bed. Last week, I went on a third date with a lovely woman, who I want to become my girlfriend. But when she texted me afterwards, she said she was surprised I had only kissed her on the cheek. It made her wonder if I only want to be friends – which isn’t the case at all. I made excuses about being respectful. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested MasterChef winner shuts Michelin-star restaurant & sends message to fans Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Next time we meet, I believe she will be expecting a proper kiss and more. I’m scared I won’t be able to perform or that she won’t enjoy it, and it will wreck everything.
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Performance anxiety is real, and the more you worry about this, the more likely you are not to be able to perform. Take things slowly. Next time you meet, kiss her but tell her you’re not one to jump into bed and want to get to know her first. When the time feels right, focus on her, which will make you instantly less self-conscious. Ask her what she likes and explore each other’s bodies. Remember, she’ll probably feel nervous too. My support pack, How To Satisfy A Woman In Bed, should be helpful.
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26,283,097 |
Going insane
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Why can't I concentrate on anything?
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26283097/why-cant-i-concentrate-on-anything/
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Find it impossible to concentrate on one thing at a time, and it’s driving me bonkers. I can’t even get through an article or follow a TV drama any more. I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with me, and my partner agrees. I’m 44 and my partner is 43. We have two young children. My office job is time-consuming but boring and when I get home I have to help with the kids. I used to have a good social life and hobbies, I was a member of a running club, but these days I don’t have the time or energy for any of that. When I try to relax by watching a film, I find I can’t focus. My mind goes off on a tangent and I lose the plot. Or I’m dealing with emails and texts at the same time, because otherwise they don’t get answered. There’s always 100 things to do at once, and I end up doing none of them properly. I feel anxious and exhausted.
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You’ve got burnout. You’re working hard, have family responsibilities and are putting yourself under too much pressure. You don’t have a good work/life balance, and you need to rest both mentally and physically. Think about booking a holiday – even just a weekend – and see if someone can look after your children for a couple of days. Make sure you’re eating healthily, with lots of fruit and vegetables, and cut down on sugar and caffeine. And talk to your boss about flexible working.
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26,303,890 |
BABY BLOCK
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My wife refuses to have children and blames money
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26303890/wife-children-blames-money/
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WHENEVER I bring up starting a family, my wife says we can’t afford to have children. I’m 39, she is 37 and we’ve been married for nine years. I have always imagined myself as a dad with at least two kids but my wife says it’s not possible due to the cost. Despite this, she will happily squander money on cars, fancy holidays, jewellery and anything she desires. Surely, if we can’t afford children, we can’t afford all these luxuries either. Naturally, she doesn’t want to hear this and dismisses my feelings. My wife led me to believe that we would start a family two or three years after we married. But once we tied the knot, she decided to study nursing at university. Then she said she wanted to work for three or four years after she had qualified. So again starting a family was put on hold. My wife is now a qualified and experienced nurse but we’re no closer to having children. I have always buried my head in the sand about the issue but now I can no longer ignore it. I feel jealous of friends who have children. I’m worried that my wife won’t change her mind and I’ve considered leaving my marriage before it’s too late for me to have kids. What should I do?
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A child deserves two loving parents and at the moment it sounds as though you are very much at odds with one another. It’s time to stop burying your head in the sand and get some clarity around what is going on for her. Let your wife know you are worried about your relationship. Explain you feel a strong urge to become a parent and need to understand if she wants to have children with you at all. You will need to be honest about your thoughts around finances and explain you feel it is feasible with sensible spending. I’m sorry but if she refuses to consider trying for a baby then you either need to be prepared to let your dream go, or walk away from your relationship. Neither option guarantees happiness so take these next steps slowly. It would help to find a therapist to guide you through what will be life-changing decisions. My support pack Thinking About Counselling? explains more.
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26,512,984 |
'SPOILED' IN SQUALOR
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I'm suffering in my dad's decrepit old house but I'm called 'spoiled'
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26512984/suffering-in-dads-squalid-house/
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I LIVE in my dad’s second home for a small rent. It sounds like a great deal but the reality is that the house is decrepit and not fit for purpose. I’m a 24-year-old male student and trying to finish my masters degree but the house is so cold and uncomfortable. I have severe asthma and the dust often sets off a bad attack. I would move out if I could but I feel trapped. My Dad and his partner are in their late 60s. Dad began renovations on the house two years ago. The work was only meant to last three months but it’s been left unfinished and is in a horrific state. There are rooms without ceilings and walls where most of the plaster has been knocked off. Dad lives in a separate house and says he’s working on mine as quickly as possible. Recently I kicked up a fuss, and started asking him and his girlfriend to get a move on with the renovations. They had just returned from a big cruise and are planning to go on safari in a month. I asked if they could prioritise my living conditions. Dad’s girlfriend started screaming at me that I was a spoiled ungrateful brat. She has children the same age as me and I would like to ask how she would feel if her son was living in the same conditions. I wish she had been more supportive rather than encouraging my dad to go on holiday. What really grates is Dad talks about himself as if he’s a martyr because I live in his house for hardly any rent. Other family members have expressed their concerns about my living conditions but Dad won’t listen. Am I being unreasonable?
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You are in a very difficult situation but you shouldn’t be living in atrocious conditions, especially with such a serious health condition. I would urge you to look into alternative living arrangements. Could you move into your dad’s other home or live with another family member? When you are all feeling calmer, it would certainly be worth talking to your dad about how this is affecting you. I realise you aren’t paying a lot of rent but you are still entitled to live in a healthy environment. Please contact shelter.org.uk for more advice on your rights.
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26,512,865 |
UNUSUAL HABIT
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I'm a man in my twenties but like to enjoy a warm bottle of milk in bed
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26512865/telling-girlfriends-drinking-milk-baby-bottle/
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ENJOYING a warm bottle of milk in bed is normal for me – but I have never done it in front of any of my girlfriends. I use a baby bottle and it comforts me as I settle. I’m male and in my early twenties and fully aware that any girlfriend would run a mile if she knew. But I’m not hurting anyone and it helps me relax. I’ve done it on and off for all of my life. It tends to happen more when I’m stressed or run down. What should I do?
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It’s true you are not hurting anyone but most women would probably struggle to accept this habit. So for the long-term future of your relationships, I would recommend speaking to your GP who could offer alternative ways to relax. Negative emotions can be hard to overcome. Using a bottle may provide a temporary relief but it’s not a permanent solution. You would be wise to find a way to address any underlying issues and develop new coping strategies that can help you long-term.
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26,283,106 |
Thank you
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You helped me save my relationship
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26283106/you-helped-me-save-my-relationship/
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Due to a difficult childhood and a series of abusive relationships, I’ve always found it hard to open up or trust people. My partner of five years was lovely, but I was so insecure I kept creating arguments and pushing him away. I’m 38 and he is 42. When he found out I’d lied about meeting an ex, he broke up with me. I wasn’t cheating, I just hadn’t told him because I feared he would be angry. I loved him so much, and knew he loved me. But he said he couldn’t trust me any more. I asked you for help – should I try to win him back or accept that it – and I – was a lost cause? You sent me your support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, and suggested that we had counselling. You said I should go first, and then hopefully he would join me when he saw I was getting help. It worked! Once he realised I was serious about changing, we talked everything through. He agreed to come for some counselling too, so he could better understand me and we could work on our relationship.
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It’s wonderful to hear this. Now I hope your relationship gets even stronger.
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26,318,624 |
READY TO LEAVE
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My wife has refused to have sex for the past 25 years and I've had enough
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26318624/my-wife-no-sex-25-years/
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MY wife has refused to have sex with me since the birth of our third baby 25 years ago. I am 62 and she is 59. We have been married for almost 40 years and have three daughters. It feels that she only wanted sex in order to have children. She even told me as we arrived home from the hospital that she would not be having any more sex. Every time I tried to talk to her, she would get up and walk out of the room. I do love my wife and we get along as friends. I reluctantly accepted her decision but I miss feeling loved. I am retired now and would like to meet someone who wants me and will have sex with me. I don’t think my wife would care. Would it be wrong to leave her and seek some happiness with someone new?
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A healthy sex life has huge mental health benefits and brings couples closer. You’ve been so understanding, she now thinks you are happy to accept her decision. Tell your wife how miserable this is making you to the point where you are considering leaving the relationship. She needs to know what is at risk. Consider sex and relationship therapy. The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk) can help find one. My support pack Is She Not Keen On Sex? explains more.
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26,446,972 |
CAN'T STOP
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I'm addicted to masturbating and I don’t know how to control it
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26446972/im-addicted-masturbating-how-control-it/
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I’M addicted to masturbating and I don’t know how to get it under control. At this point, I do it as many as four to five times a day and I’m starting to worry I might have a problem. I’m an 18-year-old boy and I discovered masturbation when I was 14 and now I can’t stop. Throughout the day I find myself constantly thinking about it and wondering when I’ll next get a chance to do it. Since I’ve started university and have more free time I can’t stop myself. Most days I avoid my course work so I can stay in bed and masturbate. When I spoke about it to my friend, an 18-year-old lad like me, he said that it was excessive and if I didn’t stop I would become addicted and ruin my future sex life. I know I should cut it down, but I can’t help myself. I’m constantly getting urges and as hard as I try I can’t get them under control. Now I’m starting to worry that I may be a freak. How do I stop?
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Please don’t worry. It’s normal to masturbate regularly and frequently at your age. As long as you aren’t becoming over reliant on pornography, exploring self-pleasure is healthy and will help you learn about your body and what you like, which will help in future sexual relationships. I’m sending you my support pack, Worried About Masturbation, that should reassure you. You can find understanding and confidential support through The Mix (themix.org.uk, 0808 808 4994).
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26,303,907 |
TURNED OFF
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I am freaked out after boyfriend claimed he had more than 500 sexual partners
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26303907/boyfriend-500-sexual-partners/
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THE fact my boyfriend has had more lovers than hot dinners has left me feeling both insecure and jealous. I knew he’d had a wild period but when he let slip that he has had around 500 sexual encounters, I felt utterly floored. I am a woman of 26 and he’s 28. We’ve only been together for two months and I’ve just moved in with him. I am definitely falling in love but this revelation has made me have a serious wobble. I am avoiding going to bed with him at the moment as I worry I’ll be nothing more than another statistic. When we started dating he said he’d had sex with more than 20 women. But this quickly drifted up to 50. And then one night he admitted it was more like 200. The penny dropped about the true figure when he admitted he’d had around 60 sexual encounters every year since the age of 16. I quickly worked out that meant he’d had around 500 partners. He did try to reassure me that none of it meant anything. I’ve insisted we both go for a full check-up at a sex clinic and he has agreed. He says he’ll do anything to make me realise how committed he is to me. I am really falling for him but his history concerns me and is a massive turn-off. How do I move past it?
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The starting point is that you need to have a full and frank discussion with him and spell out your concerns. From what you told me there is a very high possibility that your boyfriend is a sex addict. Having this many partners suggests he is unable to let anyone get close to him emotionally. If he hasn’t had any help to work on the reasons why he keeps people at bay, it would certainly be a good idea for him to work on this, otherwise this issue is likely to rear up again. If he’s serious about your future together he’ll agree to seeing a sex and relationship therapist, either together or alone. COSRT, the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk), can help connect you with a reputable therapist.
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26,269,523 |
PARENT PROBLEMS
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Should I forgive my elderly mother for enabling my horrible step father?
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https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26269523/forgive-elderly-mother-enabling-horrible-step-father/
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Should I forgive my mother for constantly putting my horrible step father before me and my siblings? For years she dismissed us and refused to see the way he treated us, but now she’s alone and old, I feel guilty for leaving her on her own. I’m a 55-year-old man and my mum is 86. Growing up we used to have a close relationship and she was such a caring mother. There wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do for us. Then one day she met my stepdad, who changed everything. He was an awful man. From the beginning he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with us kids - unless it was to belittle and bully us. At the same time our mum started to change and took his side. Over the years I tried my best to tolerate him, but it all came to a head when he started to treat my children in the same way. At that point, I had no problem cutting them off. I never felt guilty about the decision, until recently when I heard that my stepfather had passed away. While she doesn’t deserve it, a part of me wants to reach out, but I’m worried I’ll get grief from my siblings. I just can’t get the idea of her sitting alone at home out of my head.
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Try not to worry what your siblings will say and follow how you feel. If you don’t reach out because of fear of what others will think, you will only live to regret in the future. Perhaps this could be your chance to make amends and have a heart-to-heart with your mum now that your step dad is out of the way. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, might help you to tell her how you feel, in a way that allows her to open up also. You can also find help through Stand Alone (standalone.org.uk), which supports adults estranged from family.
|
26,269,519 |
SO LOW
|
I'm convinced I will never find love because of my skin condition
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26269519/convinced-never-find-love-skin-condition/
|
All I want is to get married and build a life with someone, but I’m worried my skin condition will always get in the way. My confidence is at rock bottom and I can’t help but think that I’ll end up being single forever. I’m a 35-year-old man and I have vitiligo, which means my skin loses colour or pigmentation. Ever since I was young I have felt insecure about my appearance. At school, I was bullied and a lot of my classmates constantly made horrible comments. I’ve tried my best to build my confidence but dating has made me feel so low. My condition is all over my body and face, so often women get put off before they even speak to me. I feel like I’ve exhausted my options. I’ve tried the apps but I’m struggling to get any matches, never mind dates. I have so much love to share, but wonder if I need to start accepting I may never get the chance.
|
While everyone feels insecure from time to time, constantly having such low self-esteem can be crippling for your mental health. Try to focus on the things about you that you do like and if anyone mentions your skin, talk to them about your condition. While dating can be challenging, remember that your skin is a major part of who you are, and so the right person will love you regardless. My support pack on Raising Self-esteem will help you build positive feelings about yourself.
|
26,206,250 |
Overbearing
|
There are three people in my marriage, me, my wife and her twin sister
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26206250/my-wifes-twin-sister-is-a-constant-pain/
|
My wife’s twin sister constantly sticks her nose into our relationship and thinks she is judge and jury. She never misses a trick when it comes to putting me down or making sarcastic comments. Almost all of them are about how little I do around the house and care for our daughter, who is 11. My sister-in-law has never been able to stay in a relationship for longer than a few months and I can see why. She’s a complete pain. I do really long hours and my wife also works full-time, so our house always has washing hanging out and DIY jobs that need doing. Her home is immaculate but she works part-time and doesn’t have children. I’m 38 and my wife’s 35. I am so fed up with her sister. She always has to give us her opinion, whether we have asked for it or not. She’s the self-appointed expert. I sometimes feel as though I am in a relationship with both women. I wish she would keep her nose out of our life. I’m sick of hearing from her – someone I don’t respect – about what I should and shouldn’t be doing. My wife just tells me to ignore her. Last week her sister told me I needed to wash my car more regularly as it was “an embarrassment”. It took all my strength not to bite her head off.
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Your wife and her sister share a special bond but her twin seems unable to separate their relationship from yours. She freely interferes in your married life with no concept of how it might make you feel, using the relationship with her sister as an excuse to invade your privacy. When others criticise, remember it says more about them than you. You can’t control what she says, but you can control how you react. Rather than simmering, calmly put her right straight away or walk away. She’ll soon get the message.
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26,318,626 |
TRUE FEELINGS
|
I think friend would leave her husband for me - I want to tell her how I feel
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26318626/i-think-friend-would-leave-husband/
|
I HAVE a strong feeling that if I told my friend how I feel about her she would leave her husband but I can’t decide if it’s the right thing to do. My friend and I met around eight years ago. I’m a man of 39 and my friend’s 37. We hit it off straight away and always joked that we’d end up marrying each other. Secretly I hoped it would be true. When she met someone through her work, I felt pretty gutted but busied myself with other friends and work. She’s been married for six years now while I got engaged once but called it off after three years. Recently I have discovered through a mutual friend that her husband has been upsetting her. He makes snide comments insulting her and it’s been going on for at least a year. He’s so arrogant he puts her down in front of her family and friends and even forgot her birthday. I feel so sad that someone I love is being treated like this. Since I have known this, I can’t stop thinking about her. I wonder if I should tell her about my feelings. I’m pretty sure she would leave him and I could make her happy again like she deserves. I don’t know what to do.
|
It is hard to watch someone you care for suffer but please don’t declare your love for her. She may leave her husband in her own time but, for her own reasons, she is choosing to stay with him at least for now. The best thing you can do is support when she wants it. Having feelings for a married woman does not mean you must act on them. If she does end her marriage, she may not be ready to jump straight into another serious relationship, something you’d like to share with her. Don’t pin all your hopes on her. Keep your social life going and meet lots of new people too.
|
26,183,378 |
Housed
|
Do I grass up my sister for benefit fraud
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26183378/sisters-lies-resulted-committing-fraud/
|
My sister lied to the council about her home situation and has been granted a two-bedroomed house with a big garden. She’s told them she is a single mum with two kids under three, but the truth is she’s in a very stable relationship and doesn’t want to go back to work after her maternity leave. I’m her brother. I’m 40, live in a poor area and see how hard families have it. My sister is 35 and she’s always been a bit of a princess. Her boyfriend is 36. He’s a hard-working electrician. They have a nice life with days out and a good car. They currently rent an apartment in a nice part of town. Her partner said that if she doesn’t go back to work, money will be tight. So she lied on a council house application and now they’re moving. I don’t feel this is right.
|
Secrets and lies have a habit of coming out. Unless she’s prepared to tell the council her circumstances have changed, she may get into a lot of trouble. Explain to her that the council checks electoral roll records so she would be wise to sort this out now. You can read more about it at gov.uk/council-housing/council-housing-fraud. If she won’t come clean and you want to take the moral high ground, you could tell the council yourself but you risk jeopardising your relationship with your sister.
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26,206,253 |
Abusive
|
Will my sister join the list of women her ex has seriously assaulted?
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26206253/im-scared-for-my-sisters-safety/
|
I’m so worried for my sister’s safety since she split with her controlling and abusive husband. My sister’s 38, her ex is 40 and they have three kids. He sent her a letter demanding to see the children more, saying that if she agrees he’ll help more financially. But he dropped off the children recently and when my sister went to get their belongings from the car he assaulted her, grabbing her by the hair and driving down the road while she was half in and half out of the car. I’m so scared she’s going to end up being one of the many women who are seriously assaulted or killed by an ex. He also says he won’t pay for their children’s care on the days he doesn’t see them, and won’t help with the mortgage since he no longer lives in the family home.
|
I share your concerns. If she’s in immediate danger she must call the police. My support pack Abusive Partner? has information on organisations who can help. Your sister’s ex can’t just pick and choose when he pays maintenance or the mortgage. He has a legal obligation to provide financially for his children whether he sees them regularly or not. If he refuses to pay, your sister can call the Child Maintenance Service (0800 171 2345) to ask for their advice on this.
|
26,303,885 |
RED LINE
|
My husband refuses to go in my parents house because they are smokers
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26303885/husband-parents-house-smokers/
|
WHEN I go to see my parents with my husband, he stands at their door refusing to come in because they’re smokers. My parents are in their 70s. They chain smoke and you leave their house smelling like an ashtray. When I get back in the car after visiting them, my husband will open all the windows immediately and tell me I stink. It’s all completely over the top. If I try to put the car window back up, he puts it straight back down. He insists, “his car, his rules”. Still, I want to see my parents. I’m feeling drained. What can I do to solve this situation?
|
Can you not meet your parents for a walk or in a cafe where they can go out to smoke? Your husband is being overbearing and while it’s understandable that he doesn’t like the smell of smoke, he needs to appreciate your parents are important to you. Tell him staying in touch with them is non-negotiable. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself should help.
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26,183,373 |
Marriage vows
|
My daughter's controlling ways could end her marriage
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26183373/daughters-controlling-ways/
|
My daughter doesn’t know how good her husband is to her because she’s a control freak – and I’m scared they will split up. She is 29 and her husband is 34. I’m a woman of 52. He’s a lovely guy who works with my husband but my girl is so difficult at times. They have a son aged three who idolises his daddy and my daughter is jealous. My son-in-law works hard, just as my other half does. He’s doing his best to provide for his family but my daughter makes constant demands on him, wanting him home early so that he can take over her duties with their boy. She even lies to him, making up reasons for him to dash back, such as burst pipes or their lad being ill. My grandson can be a handful so I have him when I can. I don’t think my daughter copes well and I’ve asked her if she’s depressed. But she says she “doesn’t get” people with mental health problems. My husband and I are both on medication for depression but I was in denial about it for years. Now I see history repeating itself.
|
She might not be depressed, just frazzled at the end of the day when lots of parents are also at the end of their tether. Not many new mums want to admit it, but looking after youngsters can feel very isolating. Perhaps she is feeling lonely, which is why she is constantly trying to pull your son-in-law home. You can give support by encouraging her to find some organisations where she will meet other parents and carers and your grandson can run off some steam. Check out the National Childbirth Trust (nct.org.uk, 0300 330 0700), which has groups up and down the country. My support pack Looking After Your Relationship would help them both.
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26,543,876 |
LOOKING OUT FOR HIM
|
I am worried about going to birthday party with epileptic friend
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26543876/birthday-party-with-epileptic-friend/
|
MY friend has epilepsy and I am worried about travelling with him to a party. The journey will take a couple of hours by train and I’m petrified he may get ill when we’re on our own. We have been invited to another friend’s 25th birthday and are staying the night with other friends. I am 24 and my friend is 23. We have been friends for five years. I have talked to his parents and they have tried to reassure me, but still I can’t relax. I worry about what will happen if he has a seizure. I don’t have any first-aid training and worry I won’t cope if he does have a fit. If he does get ill, should I alert a fellow passenger, or a member of staff, or call an ambulance to be there at the next stop? I’m on edge thinking about this to a point where I’m wondering if I should be going at all. I want us to enjoy our night away but I am really worried about how to cope with this situation.
|
It is understandable you are concerned – seeing someone having a seizure can be scary, but knowing what to do can help you feel prepared and less likely to panic if you witness one. Ask your friend for his advice and have a look at epilepsy.org.uk, which has plenty of resources. If you have time, consider attending a first-aid course to give you confidence. You can find out about courses through redcross.org.uk (0344 871 8000).
|
26,183,375 |
Banked
|
I'm retired but I'm not ready to sit on the shelf
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26183375/found-my-dream-job/
|
I’d love to get a job in a bank like I used to have, but I can’t even get an interview. I’m a woman of 58 and took early retirement after the bank I worked at for more than 20 years made redundancies and asked for volunteers to leave. My husband had been going through cancer treatment so it was a good time to go. But he’s recovered now and is back at work, and I’m so bored. I’ve applied for lots of jobs but, generally, don’t get a reply, and the bank jobs are few and far between or they want IT people and that’s not me. I’d love to work with the elderly or with children but imagine I’m too old to retrain to do this type of work now. Can you help me?
|
If you don’t need the money, have you considered volunteering? There are so many charities crying out for extra support from people who have free time. You can find out more through the Do-it Trust (doit.life), a national database of volunteering opportunities for people of any age. This will give you a new focus and enable you to form some new friendships. Alternatively, you could volunteer to help with activities through your local care homes and this would give you a better chance of employment when a position becomes available.
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26,269,521 |
MONEY MESS
|
My husband's gambling addiction is ruining our relationship
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26269521/husbands-gambling-addiction-ruining-relationship/
|
My husband is in complete denial about his gambling addiction and it’s ruining our relationship. Not only have his habits left us in debt, but they’ve turned him into a nasty, aggressive man that I barely even recognise. All I want is the man I love back but every time I try to reason with him he refuses to admit he has a problem. I’m 45, he’s 50 and we’ve been married for 20 years. We have two teenage children together. I first found out about his habit when I was checking our bank statement and noticed large sums of our money disappearing out of our account. He promised that he had it all under control but, I’ve noticed our savings account keeps going down. Now we can’t afford a newer car now and our old one is about to die. Still he refuses to stop. I can’t understand why he’s being so reckless and I’m worried sick that if something doesn’t change we’ll be in serious debt soon. How can I get through to him?
|
His addiction is clearly taking a toll on you and spoiling your lives. I’d urge you to ring fence your remaining savings until he has this under control? Unless and until he accepts he needs help, things won’t improve. In fact, they will only get worse. While you can't force him to seek help, you can find support for yourself. My support pack, Gambler In The Family, has useful information. I’m also sending you my support pack Gambling Problems? which has more advice.
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26,230,941 |
Well endowed
|
Does my favourite porn category mean I'm gay?
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26230941/favourite-porn-category-mean-im-gay/
|
I enjoy watching porn featuring well-endowed men so much that I’m worried I might be gay. Although I’ve never had sex with a man – or wanted to – seeing “big” men really turns me on. I’m 32 and single, although I have had lots of girlfriends. Like many men, I enjoy watching porn sometimes. My tastes aren’t extreme. But lately, I’ve found myself specifically searching for videos of men with enormous penises. I’m average-sized and I’ve never had a complex about my penis. But seeing a woman get sexually dominated by these men really gets me going. I’ve noticed that when I watch the videos, I fixate on the men, not the women. Now I’m concerned this means I might be gay or bisexual. Am I right to question my sexuality?
|
Enjoying watching men with big penises having sex with women doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re gay. Rather than wanting to have sex with those men, it sounds like you want to be them. It’s the idea of dominating a woman that turns you on. It excites you because it’s probably not like your own sexual experiences. Read my Sexual Fantasies support pack for more about why we have them and what we can do if they’re becoming a problem.
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26,230,943 |
Cut off
|
I cry myself to sleep at night because of my daughter
|
https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/26230943/cry-myself-sleep-daughter/
|
My heart has been broken since my only daughter cut me out of her life. Not only have I lost her, but my grandchildren. Now I cry myself to sleep every night. I’m 60 and my daughter is 36. My grandchildren would now be six and four. I haven’t seen them for two years since I had a massive row with their mum over a stupid misunderstanding. She was so angry she said she would never speak to me again. I have tried to contact her many times but she has blocked me. When I went round, she wouldn’t let me in. My daughter was always a difficult child but I loved her and did my best for her. I don’t think she has ever forgiven me for divorcing her dad when she was small. Is there any way to repair my relationship with her and my grandchildren? If not, how can I ever get over this?
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Your daughter’s choice to deny you contact with your grandkids is not only cruel to you, it’s unfair to them. Try writing her a letter. First, get advice from Stand Alone (standalone. org.uk), which supports people estranged from a family member. Grandparents have no automatic legal right to see their grandchildren. For help with this, talk to charity Grandparents Apart UK (grandparentsapart.co.uk), which is dedicated to helping grandparents keep in touch with grandchildren.
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