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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My family and friends always told me I was an 'artistic person'. | Finally got a hearing aid and... well... let's just say that was *not* what they were trying to tell me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My brother told me to stop acting like a flamingo. | I had to put my foot down. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Johnny is on his grandpa's farm in the rabbit enclosure | Johnny is on his grandpa's farm in the rabbit enclosure. The ground is covered in rabbit droppings. Johnny asks, "What are all of the pellets on the floor grandpa?" His grandpa replies, "Oh those? Those are smart pills. You eat them and you get smarter." Johnny likes the sound of that so he grabs a large handful of them and shoves them into his mouth, "Yuck! Grandpa, these taste like crap." His grandpa replies, "You're getting smarter already." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Simple mathematics | A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me." He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Job Interview: Mental Asylum | A newly graduated Psychiatrist goes to an interview at a Mental Asylum.... "So you're interested in coming to work for us here? Tell me what is your experience with mentally deranged people?" "I've been on Reddit for nearly 6 months now" "You're hired!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. | I take that as a compliment. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Old School Friend | I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now. He replied that he was currently working on: *Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment* I was impressed...... On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervision. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Alternative phrases to "Calm your tits" | * Soothe Your boobs * De-stress your breasts * Undo the calamity that is your mammaries * adjust your bust before it combusts * Give that chest a rest * Hakuna your tatas * Dont have a rack attack * Bring peace to your bosoms |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was very naive sexually | My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months - Hayley Ellis, 2012 |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's a vampiric hummingbird's favourite drink? | Necktar |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | On my way for the latest Porsche presentation.. | the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight. I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911". Best regards from Guantanamo. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | do you understand your right breast is hanging out of your shirt | A blonde was walking down the street. A policeman was walking the opposite way. "Hmmm," he wondered, "It looks as if that lady's right breast is hanging out of her shirt." As he got closer, he realized it was. He approched her. He said, "Ma'am, do you understand your right breast is hanging out of your shirt?" She replied, "Oh shit. I left the baby on the bus!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Red Man | There was once a man who absolutely loved the colour red. Everything he owned was red. His house, his walls, his shoes, his fridge, everything. Because of this obsession, he was a huge fan of sunbaking - not the tanning kind, the burning kind. He did love the colour red. Not only this, he always did it in the nude; to become as red as possible, of course. One day as he was sunbaking, a man was hit by a car at an intersection down the road. The moral of the story is to never cross the road when the red man is flashing. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife just got back from her OB/GYN appointments. He told her she cannot have sex 6 weeks. | I said, "That's fine but what did your dentist say?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm going to buy my Dungeon Master a goldfish | So I can carp a DM |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I saw my girlfriend shoving a calculator up her vagina. | I said, "What the fuck are you doing? You look like you're in agony." She said, "It's what's inside that counts." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Good, bad, worse | Good: I slept with my teacher after prom last night. Bad: I was home schooled. Worse: by my dad. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | One by one, a class of fifth-graders were called on to make sentences with words chosen by their teacher. | Nick didn't often participate in class, so his teacher was glad when she saw him raise his hand to give it a try. "Nick," said the teacher, "make a sentence with the words 'defeat,' 'defense,' 'deduct,' and 'detail.'" Nick thought for a few minutes then smiled. He shouted, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dog in heat | Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me," he replied. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Metal fans don't rest in peace, | they RUST in peace. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why you shouldn't you buy Russian underpants ? | Coz Cher-nob-il fallout ! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Russian man is driving with his wife and small child. | A militia man pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. "See," the militia man says, "you're drunk." The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, "Yes, perhaps it is broken," and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, "See, I told you it wouldn't hurt to give the kid five grams of vodka." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did Mexican Fozzie Bear say? | "Oaxaca, oaxaca, oaxaca!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil? | Because it's pointless. IT'S POINTLESS. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? | Let’s go play on our bikes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy was playing golf. | A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales," she said. He replied, "No kidding; so am I." "What do you sell?" She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell sanitary napkins." He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you." c",) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why was the T-Rex angry? | His arms were too short to sarcastically slow clap this terrible joke... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I like my women like I like my coffee... | Ground up and in the cupboard. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? | Nothing. Our engineering is perfect. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Presidential monster | Remember guys, Steve Bannon is the President. Trump is the name of his monster. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I introduced my girlfriend to my family | My wife did not like her. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Kid #1: I wish I had been born 1,000 years ago. Kid #2: Why is that? | Kid #1: Just think of all the history that we wouldn't have to learn. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals | The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | With all the negativity in the world today... | ...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My dog ran away this morning. | I walked around the neighbourhood looking and calling his name for an hour but still couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a couple of tattoos. Still can't find the fucking dog.... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two nuns, Sr Mary and Sr Patricia, are driving down a dark forest road, late at night... | When all of a sudden a vampire jumps out in front of their car. Sr Mary screeches on the brakes and says to Sr Patricia: "Quick! Get out and show it your cross!" Sr Patricia steps out of the car and yells "Oi! Get off the fucking road you stupid cunt!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man has been admitted to hospital after shoving 6 toy horses up his arse. | Doctors have described his condition as stable. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? | HAND EYEEEEEEE |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Banned oranges... | It's 2021 and I went to the supermarket to buy some oranges but couldn't find any. I went to another one but there were no oranges again... I asked the store manager what's the matter He said "Trump banned all the Muslims for what some of them did so the new president banned all the oranges for what one of them did". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call Batman running out of church? | Christian Bale |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I like my women like I like my jeep | Topless and easy to get into. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? | None, they just beat the shit outta the room for being black.. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When I see lovers' names carved into a tree | I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What word is used to describe a plant's range of emotions? | Chlorofeels |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? | Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? | Twelve: One to screw it in. One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination. One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination. One to suggest the whole “screwing” bit to be too “rape-like”. One to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic. One to blame men for not changing the bulb. One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it. One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs. One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs. One to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians. One to alert the media that women are now “out-lightbulbing” men. One to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why is it always a good idea to wear 'tall pants'? | Because it's a practice of good high-jean! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It's not okay to just punch a nazi in the face | You're supposed to finish the job |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board... | She decides to report it to the pilot immediately. "Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!" The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife recently won the Annual Women's Golf Meet in our district | Needless to say, I have started calling her the "Intercourse Champion of the County " |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If you're feeling cold, go stand in the corner. | It's 90 degrees there. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A giant mushroom attempts to enter a bar... | and is stopped by the bouncer. The bouncer says we'll have none of your sort in here tonight. The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The mexican magician was at his gig... | He said to the audience: "on the count of 3 i will disappear. Uno... Dos..." and he vanished without a Tres |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My local ski resort was ripped off last week for around $900. | The robber stole a burger, two beers, and some chips. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a smart blonde? | A Golden Retriever. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. | She will love this pack of playing cards. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns? | They always take things literally. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How much does a polar bear weigh? | Enough to break the ice. Hi I'm Joe and I eat ass. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My friend looked at my pregnant wife and said: "I wonder if it isn't really hot in there, for the baby" | I replied: "It's likely womb-temperature." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How did Captain Hook die? | He wiped with the wrong hand |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is a frisky Optimus Prime called? | An autothot. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If foreigners are upset to have had their visas cancelled... | Why don't they just apply for MasterCards instead? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend accused me of cheating | I told her she sounded like my wife |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? | Wipe his butt. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An inmate at my work threw his food down onto his tray. "Now I know why people turn gay in prison..." | "...I'd rather lick another man's butthole than eat this crap." I died. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Christian man and his children are talking.. | Girl: Dad, I have some bad news. Dad: What? Girl: I'm a lesbian. Dad: Okay. Sister: Dad, I have some bad news too. Dad: What? Sister: I'm a lesbian too. Dad: God, does anyone in this house like boys? Son: I do. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? | He pasta way. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many Call Of Duty players does it take to change a light bulb? | Both of them. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call it when a song is cut off before it ends? | ...a clefhanger. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the neutron that was arrested yesterday? | He wasn't charged tho |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US... | Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US, one says "screw this line, I'm going to shoot Trump". He leaves for a while and then comes back to resume his place in line. The other guy says "so, did you do it?" He says "no, the line there was even longer than this one." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why was the patient angry at the doctor who wanted his urine sample? | He was taking the piss |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Guy walks into a Mexican restaurant but he's not that hungry... | And they serve free tortilla chips. He asks for one chip and they give it to him. He swipes his credit card, and nothing happens. The employee looks at him and says, "Dude... it's a chip." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Captain hook can't kill 20 kindergarteners. | But Sandy Hook can. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's a Trump supporter's favorite college? | Electoral. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My African-American friend hooked up with a girl from Thailand... | It was a real black-Thai affair. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a surrealist painter that converts to Islam? | Muhammad Dali |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Who are the fastest readers in the world? | The people in the World Trade Center, those mother fuckers blew through 110 stories in 5 seconds. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Today I change my major from law to liberal arts. | Psych. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why don't sharks eat more than one dentist at a time? | They're filling. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Brady once again charged with letting the air out of something. | This time it was the Falcons defense |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Talking street | A man walks up to a street. The street says to the man: "Hey!" The jumps in surprise as the street shouts at him once more. The man is puzzled. "Excuse me?" The man said. "I'm a talking street! I tell you when a car is coming!" "That's convenient," The man replied. The road told the man that there where no cars coming. The man crossed the street. The man began crossing back to the side in which he came from. "What are you doing?" Asked the street. "Double-Crossing you!" The man laughed. The man promptly got hit by a semi truck. The Road replied with: "I'm not letting you walk all over me like that!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do young bees get to school? | Why, the school buzz, of course! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the weird physicist? | He's a lovely guy but he's got some strange quarks. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "What time does the library open?" The man on the phone asks. | "Nine AM," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine AM?" The man said in a disappointed voice. "No not till nine!" The librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine?" "Who said I wanted to get in? I want to get out." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Tired of people complaining about Ukrainian body's of water that Russia is occupying | Crimea river. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks into a bar with a suitcase.. | ..and orders a drink. Bored, he opens his suitcase and takes out a piano and sets it on the table. Then he reaches back into the suitcase and takes out a tiny man in a tuxedo. The tiny man immediately starts playing the piano. The bartender is impressed. He says, " Wow! Thats amazing! Where did you get that?" . The man explains that he found a Jinni's lamp in the sand and when he rubbed it, a Jinni emerged and promised to fulfill one wish. Surprised, the bartender asked, " Do you still have the lamp? Can i give it a try?" "Sure", says the man and reaches out to his suitcase and pulls out a beautiful golden copper lamp. The bartender takes the lamp and rubs it. Sure enough, a Jinni appears and grants the bartender one wish. The bartender says, " Umm.. i wanna be rich..i want a million bucks!" . POOF!! Suddenly the bar is filled with ducks. A MILLION ducks. "Heyy!!" , exclaims the bartender, " I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!! Is your Jinni hard of hearing or something?!" To which the man says , " You dont really think i wished for a 12 inch pianist, do you?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do we evacuate women before the men in an emergency? | So we can assess the situation properly. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Someone was handing out certificates for a free Karate Lesson at the mall yesterday | He told me I could only Taek Won Do |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Patriots are true gentlemen. | They let the Falcons finish their game before they started theirs. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | THE BIG CRASH | It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his cell phone and they say they will be there within 20 minutes. It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who then puts it away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink?” the doctor says. “AFTER the police get here.” replies the lawyer |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library." | The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a pizza and an art degree? | A pizza doesn't deliver an art degree |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hate to be a bad loser | A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I am terrified of elevators, | I'm gonna start taking steps to avoid them. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I jokingly told my friend I was gay... | He's been fucking me in the ass for 3 months now and hasn't figured out the truth yet. Haha, I can't wait to see the look on his face! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I asked my very religious mother for the new iPhone... | And she said she'd get me a smartphone, but I had a choice. If I start going to church, I would get the iPhone I wanted. If I didn't go to church, I would get a crappy low end android. She said it was Yahweh or the Huawei. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | and God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of world... | ...then God made the Earth round..and he laughed and laughed. edit: I proof read this so may times... amd -> and |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife found out that our dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, | My wife found out that our dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The problem with Bill Clinton | Is that he never learned harass was one word. |
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