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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There is a fine line between numerator and denominator | but only a fraction of people will get the joke |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Where did Timmy go during the explosion? | **EVERYWHERE**. He had a newfound respect for life after being spared from such a life-changing event. He went to Arizona, Colorado, New York, England, then settled down in Paris with his now-engaged girlfriend. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between Betsy DeVos and a Grizzly Bear? | Betsy DeVos is an actual threat to school children. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day... | ...the side chick is you. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I like my coffee black | and without crackers. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Donald Trump calls the media 'fake news' even when they're directly quoting something he said/tweeted... | ...but since most of the things he says are fake, by transitive property, the news is fake too |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The doctor gave me 6 months to live. | So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard | but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death. My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call the wife of a hippy? | Mississippi |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Only 1300's kids will get this.. | The Black Plague |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Blonde | A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!" The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When God closes a door He opens a window. | THAT'S WHY IT'S SO FUCKING COLD IN HERE! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | !false | It's funny because it's true. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | This morning I woke up to a blow job. | Oh wait, my job blows every morning. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus | They say its bark is worse than its bite. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An 85-year old man needs to give a sperm sample... [Long] | An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this---first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A boob, a vagina and an asshole walk into a bar... | A boob, a vagina and an asshole walk into a bar and they start debating on who is the greatest of the three of them! Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!" Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!" . . . . . . . . . . Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Was hit by a rental car earlier today... | It still Hertz. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the grape say when it got squashed? | Nothing; it just let out a little wine. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is a wolfs favorite puzzle? | AWOOObix cube! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call an illegal immigrant fighting a child rapist? | Alien vs Predator |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods | The bear turned around and asked the rabbit, "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" "No" the rabbit replied. So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did one π rad say to the other π rad? | "arrrr matey!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man describes his dreams to the psychiatrist. | Man - "Last night I dreamed that I was a teepee. The night before I dreamed that I was a yurt. What does it mean?" Psychiatrist - "You're two tents." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two cows are standing in a field. | *The first cow says*: did you hear about that "mad cow disease" that's going around? That sounds pretty terrible. *The second cow says*: yeah, it does. Good thing us chickens don't have to worry about that! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A boy asks a girl to prom.., | ..and she says yes. Overexcited, he is told he must show up with a limo and a tuxedo. So he goes to the limo rental and waits in the limo line, and he gets the limo. Then, he goes to the tuxedo rental and waits in the tuxedo line. Finally, the big day comes, and he brings his date to prom. She asks him to get some punch. He goes over to get some punch, and realizes there is no punch line. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How does a mathematician solve their constipation? | They work it out with a pencil |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I used to have diarrhea | ...but then I got my shit together. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? | Yes February 14th. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There was a couple that was married 50 years | They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the man said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," she snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do hummingbirds hum? | They forgot the lyrics |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now? | Andy has diabetes |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did a scientist install a door knocker? | coz he wanted to win a no-bell prize!!!!!!!! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you teach someone to make an omelette? | Show them an eggsample |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I would call Donald Trump a cunt | but he lacks both depth and warmth. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So I Heard Facebook has got a new fake news filter. | All I wanna know is when they're gonna get the real one. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do Betsy Devos and Jared from Subway have in common? | Both of their main goal is to fuck children. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear the one about all the missing women in the area? | No? Thats good then... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I think my cellmate was gay last time I went to jail | His dick tasted like shit |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What piece of sporting equipment is best for provoking a debate? | Discus. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Prison sex... | It's con-sensual. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do cows produce during an earthquake? | MILKSHAKE!!!! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two whales walk into a bar.... | The first one says: "AOOOOOUUUUUOOOUUUUGGGAAAAUUUOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGOOOOGGGGUUUUUAAAAAAAAA" The second one says: " Go home steve, your drunk |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What was U2's lawyer's hourly rate? | Nothing, he was pro-Bono |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did O say to Q? | Put that thing away, there are kids here. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Betsy DeVos's school funding plan... | You start with $0. But if you sign up 5 kids for school, and those kids sign up 5 more kids, and THOSE kids sign up 5 more kids... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a super model with a yeast infection? | A quarter pounder with cheese |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns? | One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired' EDIT:I reached r/all, I promised a friend of mine that I would stop calling his mom hot if I reached all. He sends his regards... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I love hyperbole | It is literally the best thing ever! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So Queen of Englad was bored and summoned an American, a frenchman and a russian... | They gather at the palace. The queen says: "Bring me your greatest weapon!". And so they went and came back. The frenchman brought a pistol, the american - an assault rifle while the russian is nowhere to be seen. The queen got tired of waiting and said the rest: " now take those weapons and shove them up your arse!" The frechman takes the pistol and shoves it up no problem, didnt feel a thing The american is stuffing the rifle as hard as he can and keeps crying and laughing, crying and laughing The queen asks:" why are you alternating between crying laughing?" The american answers:" I'm crying because this hurts, jesus fucking christ. I'm laughing because the russian is driving over here with a fucking tank" edit: forgot some words |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you stop a mole from digging? | Take his shovel away |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's Donald Trump's spirit animal? | The wall-rus. Yes, I do hate myself. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? | Never mind, it's an obscure number you probably haven't even heard of before. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Nun and the Uber Driver | One night, an Uber driver picked up a nun. While he was driving, the driver started to laugh insanely. "Why are you laughing?" asked the Nun "Oh it's nothing." said the Uber driver "No really" said the Nun, "I won't mind" So the driver told her, "Well, it's really silly but I've always had this fantasy of having a blowjob from a nun" "Well then, what's your name?" the nun enquired. "Robert" "Are you married?" "No" "Are you Catholic?" "Yes" "Then pull into the alley way" The driver was so stunned he didn't want to give up this chance so he pulled into the alley, when they were finalised they returned to the car. While driving, "Robert" started to cry. "Why are you crying?" asked the nun. "I'm sorry, I lied" "How so?" "Well my name is Daniel. I have a wife and three kids and I'm Jewish." "Well, I've done a bit of lying too" the Nun grinned "My name is Simon and I'm going to a costume party" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | People think I'm a pervert... | People think I'm a pervert because I sleep with a 9 year old. But you have to remember, dog years are 7 times longer than ours. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So my wife walked into the room while I was having sex with my daughter...... | I wasn't sure what she was more freaked out by, the fact that I was fucking our daughter, or that the abortion clinic gave me the fetus. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why couldn't the ginger bread man walk? | Because he had crummy legs. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb? | **Golden Retriever**: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? **Border Collie**: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. **Dachshund**: I can't reach the stupid lamp! **Toy Poodle**: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. **Rottweiler**: Go Ahead! Make me! **Shi-tzu**: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . **Lab**: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? **Malamute**: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. **Cocker Spaniel**: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. **Doberman Pinscher**: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. **Mastiff**: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. **Hound Dog**: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ **Chihuahua**: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. **Pointer**: I see it, there it is, right there... **Greyhound**: It isn't moving. Who cares? **Australian Shepherd**: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle... **Old English Sheep Dog**: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two teenagers snuck into a crypt at night. One tripped over a small bone and the other unashamedly laughed. | Can't blame him though, it was a little humerus. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Frank the Human Cannonball retired yesterday and has yet to be replaced... | The circus owner said, "It's hard to find another man of that caliber." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy dies and wakes up on a beach. | Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I lead a pretty rock n roll lifestyle | I wake up stoned and roll out of bed |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Scientologist lived alone with his dog for company. | When his dog died he asked the Scientologist Minister if he would have a funeral service for his dear dog. The Minister replied "we can't have funeral services for dogs in the church of Scientology, but the baptists might say something for your dog" The man said "thank you Minister, do you think $5,000 would be enough to donate to them for the service?" The Minister replied "Oh dear me, why didn't you say the dog was a Scientologist" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell. | Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A buddy of mine got sent to jail | A buddy of mine got sent to jail and completely lost his shit as soon as he got there. 30-seconds in, he punched another guy, that guy went down, and a huge fight broke out. There was a lot of blood, a lot of swearing, and the whole time my buddy was just swinging wildly and shouting absolute nonsense. We don't play Monopoly together anymore. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When life hands you lemons.....Make lemonade | Then, find someone for whom life has handed them Vodka.... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Sanders/Cruz debate was really weird | It was like peeking into an alternate dimension where both parties had hindsight |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? | One to screw it in. One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination. One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination. One to suggest the whole “screwing” bit to be too “rape-like”. One to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic. One to blame men for not changing the bulb. One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it. One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs. One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs. One to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians. One to alert the media that women are now “out-lightbulbing” men. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison: | "This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me." His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there." Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found. The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests? | STUPID. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. | The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the hardest part when telling a gay joke? | Keeping a straight face. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The dentist told me I need a crown. | I'm like, "I know, right?!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | WARNING to all in the North Side of Chicago, there is a scam taking place! | A scam is being pulled, mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this: They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I screamed my crushes name while having sex with my girlfriend | But she didn't care 'cause Mercy isn't our safeword. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you get when you cross a Hells Angel with a Jehovah's witness? | They come to your door and tell you to fuck off |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When do people have unhappy bowel movements? | On sad-turd-days. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why don't squirrels mate in the summer? | Because they're storing their nuts for the winter. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | '90s kids won't get this | Social security |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why don't women fart? | They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My husband almost gave me a heart attack when he said "I like my men like I like my coffee...." | "and I fucking hate coffee." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The rancher had 196 cows | But when he rounded them up he had 200 |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My neighbors caught me watching them have sex through their bedroom window and told my parents. | My dad made me apologize and told the couple I was normally above that type of behavior. I took the advice and started watching through the skylight. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Toilet! | My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime | Because he's innocent. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law? | Reload. (Thanks Bob Dylan via Theme Time Radio Hour) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Unemployment at its best! | An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work." The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad? | Frog said ribbit ribbit. The horny toad said rubbit rubbit |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was woken up at 5am by a crow... | It just wouldn't stop cawing. After an hour I felt like shooting the damned thing! Then another crow joined it and they started to have a jolly old conversation. I wanted to blow both their heads off! One more crow and there definitely would've been a murder. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were going camping. | They set up their tent, started a campfire, and laid down their sleeping bags inside of the tent. After a few hours of playing cards and joking by the fire, they extinguished the fire and went to sleep. Holmes awoke Watson in the middle of the night and they looked up at the starry night sky. "Watson, look at the sky, what do you see?" "I see thousands of shining stars, and it's hard to believe how many millions of billions of miles away they are from us." replied Watson. "And what is else can you infer?" said Holmes. "Well, if our sun is just a mere star among trillions, then we can safely assume there are billions of planets out there, and planets like Earth. And then life in the cosmos is a possibility." "Watson, you dumbass, someone stole our tent." Edit: saw this on a tumblr post and couldn't find it, rewrote it and full credit goes to OP of that post. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "No" means "NO"!..... | Unless she's dyslexic, then **it's ON!** |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A cop goes up to the window of a car he's just pulled over | Cop: "Any drugs or alcohol today?" Man: "No but I vape" Cop: "Look pal, I don't give a shit if you're gay, just answer the question." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I tried to start an online bakery. | But I accidentally deleted all my cookies. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What comes after 69? | Listerine. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How much does a hipster weigh? | An instagram |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Make your Betsy DeVos jokes soon.. | While people can still read |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why should women stop having children after 35? | Because 36 is too many |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How is driving a Ford truck similar to visiting Thailand? | Either way, you're likely to blow a tranny |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If you cited something from Reddit... | I guess you could call it Creddit |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two cows are eating grass in a field | The first turns to the second and says "Moooooo" The second turns to the first and says "I was just about to say that" |
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