Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

instruction stringclasses 1 value	input stringlengths 1 300	output stringlengths 1 2k
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Only 2010's kids will get this...	Measles
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?	20 class rings fell out.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	10 Inch Bic	Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long cigarette lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard of hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	"Hey, I heard somebody called you an owl today."	Who?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant?	E.T. learned the language, and eventually went home.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I noticed something about the letter "B"	Sometimes it makes subtle appearances
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a team-up between a maniac, a random white guy, and the head of the Vatican?	Snapped, Cracker and Pope
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How does a reptile climb a mountain?	It scales it
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?	Only 1, but the lightbulb has to be willing to change
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?	Outlaws are wanted
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An elderly lady phoned her telephone company...	An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why was the snowman so upset?	Because somebody had stolen his nose and the police didn't carrot all!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why can't Helen Keller drive?	Because she's a woman
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you say to a Mexican guy in a vegetative state?	Coma estas?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a French man wearing sandals?	Phil-lip Phil-lop.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did JayZ call Beyonce before they got married?	Feyonce
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was supposed to be filming a porno but I was late to the set.	The cameraman phoned me up and said, "Will you be long?" I said, "Yes, around 9 inches."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a rabbit with fleas	Bugs bunny
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I had to quit my job as a pool cleaner...	It was too draining.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The last time I was someone's type,	I was donating blood.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I want to be like Leonardo DiCaprio from Inception.	He has a dream job.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My friend is blind, you know what that means...	he can't see.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy meets a girl at the club and takes her home.	Before going to his place the girl tells him that she can tell how a man is in bed by the way he opens the door. She tells him, "If a man struggles with the key then that means he is a sloppy lover and he is not the right one for me." The guy then stops, looks at his keys, then stares at the door. After a while of staring, he goes toward the doorknob and before inserting the key he licks the keyhole.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Made me laugh more than I should have!	What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?! An investigator.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call an Apple update you don't see coming?	An iPatch... I'm sorry...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face.	That's what happens when you hit rock bottom.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the opposite of irony?	Wrinkly.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.	He later gets arrested for petty theft.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A German tank commander boasted "One Tiger can take on ten Shermans!"	And an American replied "Good thing we have eleven."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?	Optimistic.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a Japanese man in America with $8932 and 40 cents?	A Millyenaire. ...Yeah I know I'm a shitbird.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do Donald Trump and the iPhone 7 have in common?	They both think de-porting is the answer when there’s no more Jobs.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Jobs that dont exist anymore...	Steve
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Pair of Slippers and A Dildo	Two guys are sitting around talking about what they got their wives for Valentines Day Todd : "So, what did you get your wife for Valentines day?" Mark : "I got her this BEAUTIFUL diamond ring. She shows this thing off wherever she goes. She wears it to the store, out to get the mail, to the gas station, etc. She loves it man. What about you?" Todd : "Well, I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo..." Mark : "What the fuck? That's rather odd for Valentines day don't ya think?" Todd : "Actually, it makes perfect sense. If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go fuck herself"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How does Harry Potter like to go down hills?	Walking j.k. ...rowling
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the leper say to the prostitute?	Keep the tip.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There was a very angry bodybuilder psychologist	He had Freud rage
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I would be a great Politician...	I'm really good at pissing everyone off.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How did the hipster burn his tongue?	He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.	Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.” Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?” Bill: “No, but my sister has.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you tell the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist?	Methodist will say hi in a liquor store.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do clams do for their birthday?	They shellibrate...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Heard about the famous italian chef that died?	He pastaway, here today gone tomato,we cannoli do so much. He will be pizza history!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common?	A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow. You sick bastards.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call sodium chloride beating someone up with Bruce Lee's corpse?	A salt with a dead Lee weapon
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	[NSFW] [LONG] A 5 year old boy is watching his dad work on the car with his neighbor Bob	The boy asks "daddy, what does it sound like when bird sees another bird?" The father drops a wrench "tweet tweet tweet. I'm working junior." Father and Bob go back to working on the car. The little boy's eyes perk up. "Daddy, what do dogs say when they are happy to see another dog?" Father, annoyed responds "woof woof woof. Stop asking so many questions, we're working" The little boy is distracted for a moment when he says "Daddy, what does mommy say when she is happy to see you?" Father doesn't immediately respond. The little boy, perturbed yells, "DADDY!!" Father is startled and bangs his head on the engine, beginning to bleed, he screams "Oh god, fuck me!" Bob scrambles for a towel. The little boy says, "Silly, Daddy, that's what mommy says when she talks to Bob in her room while you're at work, I asked what she says when she's happy to see you."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Only anti-vaxxers will get this...	Polio
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Deaf people seem to be the best at relationships	They always let their hands do the talking
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A rabbi is on his deathbed...	...and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert. Confused, his friend asks, "Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why would you want to become a Catholic now, before you die?" He says, "Eh, better one of them than one of us."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Only Coal Miners Will Get This	Black lung disease.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The School Janitor	Janitor: I know im just a school janitor, but my eldest son is in M.I.T., his younger brother in Princeton, and my youngest in Harvard. Student: (amazed) Wow, what are they studying? Janitor: Oh no, they are janitors as well.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My girlfriend is leaving me because of my obsession with pasta	I'm feeling cannelloni right now
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	NSA..	Always listening to our customers.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Only 1700's sailors will get this...	Scurvy
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Frequent browsers of /r/jokes will not get this.	Laid.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A world without women...	...would be a pain the ass.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Some people are into carbon dating.	It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between Reddit and Pornhub?	On pornhub they down vote trash
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I like my soda like I like my women	Flat and room temperature.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy walks into a bar	And sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, “What’s this about?” The bartender replies, “Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?” The guy replies, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the sperm cross the road?	Because you put on the wrong sock this morning.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Wanna hear a word I just made up?	Plagiarism.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Dont know how to say the word GIF?	Just prounounce the G how its pronounced in gigantic
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Da Bomb	Guy 1: You da bomb Guy 2: No, you da bomb In America: a compliment. In the Middle East: an argument
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A priest and a bus driver are waiting at the gates of Heaven...	Heard this joke whilst on holiday in Norway, I thought it was worth sharing. In a rural mountainous village, both a local bus driver and a priest are waiting at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter arrives, and firsts asks the priest why he should be allowed into heaven. "I've been teaching the ideas of Christianity for 50 years, I think I deserve to be in heaven after devoting my life to Christ." St Peter then turns to the bus driver: "Well, I've been transporting people up and down the mountains for 50 years, I think I deserve to be in heaven as I've helped everyone dearly" St Peter thinks, then allows the bus driver to walk through but not the priest. Outraged, the priest asks: "Why was I not allowed in but the bus driver was!?" St Peter replies: "Your lectures were boring, everyone was falling asleep and not paying respect to God! However, when the bus was driving up and down mountains, everyone was alert and saying their prayers!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man walks into church and sits in the confessional booth.	The priest sits down and the man says, "Forgive me for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed." The priest replies, "Would you like to tell me what happened?" "Well," the guy says. "I was out on the seventh hole, and I'd just hit my best drive of the day. Straight ahead, down the middle of the fairway, and a long way down. I was feeling pretty good about myself as I walked to the ball. I wasn't 30 feet away when a squirrel ran out of the trees and grabbed my ball." The priest interrupts, "Oh, I see. So that's when you cursed?" The man replies, "No Father, I didn't. As the squirrel was running away, it got to the end of the fairway when it was caught by a hawk, which flew high into the air." Once again, he priest interrupts, "So that's when you cursed?" The man continues, "No Father. The hawk started flying away, and I followed it, because it flew in the direction of the green. As it passed over the green, it squeezed the squirrel with its talons, causing the ball to drop about three feet from the pin." The priest says, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a beehive without an exit?	Unbelievable
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If flossing is a pain in the ass	you are doing it at the wrong end
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Fun fact: Betsy Devos' name contains every letter of the alphabet	that she knows of.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic?	About halfway.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	At a Nazi mine	A worker calls out to Hitler: "Sir, we are mining too many useless Ores" [Hitler rubs his chin, contemplating] "So mine less" [Grammar Nazi chimes in, from above] "MINE FEWER" [Hitler looks up] "Yes?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Recruitment lady on phone - Sir I have two openings for you..	Me - Yes, I know. (Long silence) Her - asshole Me - prefer the other one...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walks by	The first nun, well, she had a stroke. The second nun, why, she also had a stroke. The third nun didn't touch it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I don't usually brag.....	I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you get if you add yeast to soup?	A souprise
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My ex always used to annoy me by saying I have terrible aim for a hitman.	I miss her.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Only 50,000 BC kids will get this	Ugga: Ung bung uhh mang Bunga tankun ung Bunga: Nanga uhh ung tangung uhh...unganun Ugga: Inga Bunga langa ung ugg Ugga? Bunga: Ung bunga uhh tangung angu OOK OOOOOK
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Mexican word of the day..	The Mexican word of the day is cashew. Like I'll cashew outside, how bout dat?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Can circumsized men ride bikes on the sidewalk?	..or do you have to be a complete dick..
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Heard the sperm bank gives $50 for your sperm.	I have a sock in my room worth $3000.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My mother-in-law fell in a wishing well.	I didn't know they worked.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.	He says, "Uno, dos..." and then poof … he disappeared without a tres!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How tall is Betsy DeVos?	We don't know, she can't measure growth.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does a bee say when it returns to it's hive?	Honey, I'm home!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many Potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?	None.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.	After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river. The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so well-known in the village, the locals gave him their position on the line, until he reaches the top of the line. Looking ahead the doctor realizes that there is a donkey, he thinks: Wow, have sex with an animal? Poor people. And I cannot deny me now that they have so graciously ceded their positions. Within fifteen minutes of having sex with the donkey, while all the men in the row watched, as he kissed her and bit her ears, one of them walks up to him and secretly ask him: Doctor, how long till you finish? We need the donkey to cross the river, there is a village with women there.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why do midgets always laugh when they play soccer?	Because the grass tickles their balls.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Overheard at the Gynecologist Office:	A blonde, a brunette & red head are waiting to be seen at the Gynecologist office. All three are pregnant. They start talking to eachother about their babies. Brunette: I'm going to have a boy because I was on top during sex. Redhead: Well, I was on the bottom during sex so I'm having a girl. Blonde: Oh my God! I'm going to have puppies!!!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking.	Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who can lie.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Deaf people seem tough to me	Because they always let their fists do the talking
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Confensual sex	A couple had been married for 40 years, and decided for their anniversary they would go to the same spot they went on their honeymoon those 40 years ago. It was a nice little spot by a farm, with rolling hills visible in the distance. As they strolled down a path next to the cows, the husband smacked his wife on the behind and said "You know honey, 40 years ago we had sex right here, up against this fence. You remember?" She replied "Yes, I do remember. We sure were something back then, werent we?" He answered "Indeed. How about we do it again for old time's sake?" With that, they proceeded to have sex up against the same fence that they done it against as newlyweds. When finished, the old man exclaimed "Wow honey, you really had a good time, didnt you? You havent moved that much in a long time, in fact, I dont even know if you moved that much when we had sex here 40 years ago!" She said "Well, 40 years ago that fence wasnt electrified."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man thought his wife was losing her hearing	A man thought his wife was losing her hearing. He was going to the doctor for a check up one day, so he decided to ask the doctor for advice while he was there. He said to the doctor, "Doc, I think my wife is hard of hearing. Sometimes when I ask her questions she can't hear me. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Here's what you need to do. Tonight while your wife is making dinner in the kitchen, go into the bedroom and ask her what's for dinner. If she doesn't hear you, go into the living room and ask again. If she doesn't hear you while you're in the living room, go into the dining room and ask a third time. If she still can't hear you even from the dining room, go into the kitchen and ask one more time. If she can't hear you while you're in the kitchen, then she must be losing her hearing." So the man took the doctor's advice and tested it out on his wife that night. First, he went into the bedroom and called out to his wife, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So he moved into the living room. He called out again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So he moved again, this time into the dining room. "Honey what's for dinner?" Still no response. So finally, he moved into the kitchen where his wife was making dinner and asked once more, "Honey, what's for dinner?" His wife turned to look at him with an angry look on her face and said, "Chicken. I told you three times, dumbass."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I don't trust anyone with a conspiracy theory, man.	I think they are all up to something.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Sometimes when I turn off the lights and masturbate, it feels like Jesus is watching me.	Mexican prison is shit.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition	One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning." The doctor thought this was very odd, and wanted to have Mr. Pott wait with him in one of his rooms for a while to see if he could catch the odd phenomenon. They waited... And waited... THERE! No, that was just a trick of the light... Hours went by... Finally it was time for the doctor's office to close. Mr. Pott left the office, and as soon as he got into his car, his skin got all red and puffy. He called the doctor the next day, and said that it happened again as soon as he got into his car, and asked if he could come back into the office. The doctor said sure, since he wasn't busy that day. Again Mr. Pott and the doctor waited to witness the described symptoms, but again, nothing happened all day. That night, as Mr. Pott was getting into his car, he broke out in a rash almost instantly. Mr. Pott again called the doctor and asked to come in. Every day Mr. Pott would go see the doctor. This went on for days, weeks, and finally months, to no avail. In fact, the doctor never did see the odd skin condition, because a watched Pott never boils. Edit: A name
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I took my wife out the other day.	What a great shot it was.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I built a Rollercoaster park but it's not as good as a lot of others	It definitely has its ups and downs thiugh
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	90s kids won't get this either	Jobs
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two fish are in a tank...	Suddenly, one turns to the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A pirate captain walks into a bar...	...with a peg leg, a steering wheel hanging from his pants, and a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender: "Excuse me Captain, but you have a steering wheel hanging from your pants!" Pirate: "Arrrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Only 2010's kids will get this...

Measles

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?

20 class rings fell out.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

10 Inch Bic

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long cigarette lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard of hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

"Hey, I heard somebody called you an owl today."

Who?

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant?

E.T. learned the language, and eventually went home.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I noticed something about the letter "B"

Sometimes it makes subtle appearances

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do you call a team-up between a maniac, a random white guy, and the head of the Vatican?

Snapped, Cracker and Pope

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

How does a reptile climb a mountain?

It scales it

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only 1, but the lightbulb has to be willing to change

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company...

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why was the snowman so upset?

Because somebody had stolen his nose and the police didn't carrot all!

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do you say to a Mexican guy in a vegetative state?

Coma estas?

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Phil-lip Phil-lop.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What did JayZ call Beyonce before they got married?

Feyonce

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I was supposed to be filming a porno but I was late to the set.

The cameraman phoned me up and said, "Will you be long?" I said, "Yes, around 9 inches."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do you call a rabbit with fleas

Bugs bunny

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I had to quit my job as a pool cleaner...

It was too draining.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The last time I was someone's type,

I was donating blood.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I want to be like Leonardo DiCaprio from Inception.

He has a dream job.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

My friend is blind, you know what that means...

he can't see.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A guy meets a girl at the club and takes her home.

Before going to his place the girl tells him that she can tell how a man is in bed by the way he opens the door. She tells him, "If a man struggles with the key then that means he is a sloppy lover and he is not the right one for me." The guy then stops, looks at his keys, then stares at the door. After a while of staring, he goes toward the doorknob and before inserting the key he licks the keyhole.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Made me laugh more than I should have!

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?! An investigator.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do you call an Apple update you don't see coming?

An iPatch... I'm sorry...

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face.

That's what happens when you hit rock bottom.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What's the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

He later gets arrested for petty theft.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A German tank commander boasted "One Tiger can take on ten Shermans!"

And an American replied "Good thing we have eleven."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do you call a Japanese man in America with $8932 and 40 cents?

A Mill*yen*aire. ...Yeah I know I'm a shitbird.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do Donald Trump and the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both think de-porting is the answer when there’s no more Jobs.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Jobs that dont exist anymore...

Steve

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A Pair of Slippers and A Dildo

Two guys are sitting around talking about what they got their wives for Valentines Day Todd : "So, what did you get your wife for Valentines day?" Mark : "I got her this BEAUTIFUL diamond ring. She shows this thing off wherever she goes. She wears it to the store, out to get the mail, to the gas station, etc. She loves it man. What about you?" Todd : "Well, I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo..." Mark : "What the fuck? That's rather odd for Valentines day don't ya think?" Todd : "Actually, it makes perfect sense. If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go fuck herself"

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How does Harry Potter like to go down hills?

Walking j.k. ...rowling

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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

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There was a very angry bodybuilder psychologist

He had Freud rage

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I would be a great Politician...

I'm really good at pissing everyone off.

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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

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Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.” Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?” Bill: “No, but my sister has.”

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How do you tell the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist?

Methodist will say hi in a liquor store.

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What do clams do for their birthday?

They shellibrate...

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Heard about the famous italian chef that died?

He pastaway, here today gone tomato,we cannoli do so much. He will be pizza history!

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What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common?

A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow. You **sick** bastards.

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What do you call sodium chloride beating someone up with Bruce Lee's corpse?

A salt with a dead Lee weapon

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[NSFW] [LONG] A 5 year old boy is watching his dad work on the car with his neighbor Bob

The boy asks "daddy, what does it sound like when bird sees another bird?" The father drops a wrench "tweet tweet tweet. I'm working junior." Father and Bob go back to working on the car. The little boy's eyes perk up. "Daddy, what do dogs say when they are happy to see another dog?" Father, annoyed responds "woof woof woof. Stop asking so many questions, we're working" The little boy is distracted for a moment when he says "Daddy, what does mommy say when she is happy to see you?" Father doesn't immediately respond. The little boy, perturbed yells, "DADDY!!" Father is startled and bangs his head on the engine, beginning to bleed, he screams "Oh god, fuck me!" Bob scrambles for a towel. The little boy says, "Silly, Daddy, that's what mommy says when she talks to Bob in her room while you're at work, I asked what she says when she's happy to see you."

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Only anti-vaxxers will get this...

Polio

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Deaf people seem to be the best at relationships

They always let their hands do the talking

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A rabbi is on his deathbed...

...and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert. Confused, his friend asks, "Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why would you want to become a Catholic now, before you die?" He says, "Eh, better one of them than one of us."

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Only Coal Miners Will Get This

Black lung disease.

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The School Janitor

Janitor: I know im just a school janitor, but my eldest son is in M.I.T., his younger brother in Princeton, and my youngest in Harvard. Student: (amazed) Wow, what are they studying? Janitor: Oh no, they are janitors as well.

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My girlfriend is leaving me because of my obsession with pasta

I'm feeling cannelloni right now

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NSA..

Always listening to our customers.

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Only 1700's sailors will get this...

Scurvy

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Frequent browsers of /r/jokes will not get this.

Laid.

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A world without women...

...would be a pain the ass.

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Some people are into carbon dating.

It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up.

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What's the difference between Reddit and Pornhub?

On pornhub they down vote trash

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I like my soda like I like my women

Flat and room temperature.

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A guy walks into a bar

And sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, “What’s this about?” The bartender replies, “Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?” The guy replies, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”

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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because you put on the wrong sock this morning.

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Wanna hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism.

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Dont know how to say the word GIF?

Just prounounce the G how its pronounced in gigantic

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Da Bomb

Guy 1: You da bomb Guy 2: No, you da bomb In America: a compliment. In the Middle East: an argument

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A priest and a bus driver are waiting at the gates of Heaven...

Heard this joke whilst on holiday in Norway, I thought it was worth sharing. In a rural mountainous village, both a local bus driver and a priest are waiting at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter arrives, and firsts asks the priest why he should be allowed into heaven. "I've been teaching the ideas of Christianity for 50 years, I think I deserve to be in heaven after devoting my life to Christ." St Peter then turns to the bus driver: "Well, I've been transporting people up and down the mountains for 50 years, I think I deserve to be in heaven as I've helped everyone dearly" St Peter thinks, then allows the bus driver to walk through but not the priest. Outraged, the priest asks: "Why was I not allowed in but the bus driver was!?" St Peter replies: "Your lectures were boring, everyone was falling asleep and not paying respect to God! However, when the bus was driving up and down mountains, everyone was alert and saying their prayers!"

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A man walks into church and sits in the confessional booth.

The priest sits down and the man says, "Forgive me for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed." The priest replies, "Would you like to tell me what happened?" "Well," the guy says. "I was out on the seventh hole, and I'd just hit my best drive of the day. Straight ahead, down the middle of the fairway, and a long way down. I was feeling pretty good about myself as I walked to the ball. I wasn't 30 feet away when a squirrel ran out of the trees and grabbed my ball." The priest interrupts, "Oh, I see. So that's when you cursed?" The man replies, "No Father, I didn't. As the squirrel was running away, it got to the end of the fairway when it was caught by a hawk, which flew high into the air." Once again, he priest interrupts, "So that's when you cursed?" The man continues, "No Father. The hawk started flying away, and I followed it, because it flew in the direction of the green. As it passed over the green, it squeezed the squirrel with its talons, causing the ball to drop about three feet from the pin." The priest says, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"

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What do you call a beehive without an exit?

Unbelievable

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If flossing is a pain in the ass

you are doing it at the wrong end

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Fun fact: Betsy Devos' name contains every letter of the alphabet

that she knows of.

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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic?

About halfway.

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At a Nazi mine

A worker calls out to Hitler: "Sir, we are mining too many useless Ores" [Hitler rubs his chin, contemplating] "So mine less" [Grammar Nazi chimes in, from above] "MINE FEWER" [Hitler looks up] "Yes?"

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Recruitment lady on phone - Sir I have two openings for you..

Me - Yes, I know. (Long silence) Her - asshole Me - prefer the other one...

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Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walks by

The first nun, well, she had a stroke. The second nun, why, she also had a stroke. The third nun didn't touch it.

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I don't usually brag.....

I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

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What do you get if you add yeast to soup?

A souprise

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My ex always used to annoy me by saying I have terrible aim for a hitman.

I miss her.

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Only 50,000 BC kids will get this

Ugga: Ung bung uhh mang Bunga tankun ung Bunga: Nanga uhh ung tangung uhh...unganun Ugga: Inga Bunga langa ung ugg Ugga? Bunga: Ung bunga uhh tangung angu OOK OOOOOK

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The Mexican word of the day..

The Mexican word of the day is cashew. Like I'll cashew outside, how bout dat?

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Can circumsized men ride bikes on the sidewalk?

..or do you have to be a complete dick..

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Heard the sperm bank gives $50 for your sperm.

I have a sock in my room worth $3000.

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My mother-in-law fell in a wishing well.

I didn't know they worked.

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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* … he disappeared without a tres!

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How tall is Betsy DeVos?

We don't know, she can't measure growth.

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What does a bee say when it returns to it's hive?

Honey, I'm home!

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How many Potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

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A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.

After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river. The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so well-known in the village, the locals gave him their position on the line, until he reaches the top of the line. Looking ahead the doctor realizes that there is a donkey, he thinks: Wow, have sex with an animal? Poor people. And I cannot deny me now that they have so graciously ceded their positions. Within fifteen minutes of having sex with the donkey, while all the men in the row watched, as he kissed her and bit her ears, one of them walks up to him and secretly ask him: Doctor, how long till you finish? We need the donkey to cross the river, there is a village with women there.

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Why do midgets always laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

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Overheard at the Gynecologist Office:

A blonde, a brunette & red head are waiting to be seen at the Gynecologist office. All three are pregnant. They start talking to eachother about their babies. Brunette: I'm going to have a boy because I was on top during sex. Redhead: Well, I was on the bottom during sex so I'm having a girl. Blonde: Oh my God! I'm going to have puppies!!!

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According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking.

Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who can lie.

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Deaf people seem tough to me

Because they always let their fists do the talking

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Confensual sex

A couple had been married for 40 years, and decided for their anniversary they would go to the same spot they went on their honeymoon those 40 years ago. It was a nice little spot by a farm, with rolling hills visible in the distance. As they strolled down a path next to the cows, the husband smacked his wife on the behind and said "You know honey, 40 years ago we had sex right here, up against this fence. You remember?" She replied "Yes, I do remember. We sure were something back then, werent we?" He answered "Indeed. How about we do it again for old time's sake?" With that, they proceeded to have sex up against the same fence that they done it against as newlyweds. When finished, the old man exclaimed "Wow honey, you really had a good time, didnt you? You havent moved that much in a long time, in fact, I dont even know if you moved that much when we had sex here 40 years ago!" She said "Well, 40 years ago that fence wasnt electrified."

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A man thought his wife was losing her hearing

A man thought his wife was losing her hearing. He was going to the doctor for a check up one day, so he decided to ask the doctor for advice while he was there. He said to the doctor, "Doc, I think my wife is hard of hearing. Sometimes when I ask her questions she can't hear me. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Here's what you need to do. Tonight while your wife is making dinner in the kitchen, go into the bedroom and ask her what's for dinner. If she doesn't hear you, go into the living room and ask again. If she doesn't hear you while you're in the living room, go into the dining room and ask a third time. If she still can't hear you even from the dining room, go into the kitchen and ask one more time. If she can't hear you while you're in the kitchen, then she must be losing her hearing." So the man took the doctor's advice and tested it out on his wife that night. First, he went into the bedroom and called out to his wife, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So he moved into the living room. He called out again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So he moved again, this time into the dining room. "Honey what's for dinner?" Still no response. So finally, he moved into the kitchen where his wife was making dinner and asked once more, "Honey, what's for dinner?" His wife turned to look at him with an angry look on her face and said, "Chicken. I told you three times, dumbass."

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I don't trust anyone with a conspiracy theory, man.

I think they are all up to something.

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Sometimes when I turn off the lights and masturbate, it feels like Jesus is watching me.

Mexican prison is shit.

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Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning." The doctor thought this was very odd, and wanted to have Mr. Pott wait with him in one of his rooms for a while to see if he could catch the odd phenomenon. They waited... And waited... THERE! No, that was just a trick of the light... Hours went by... Finally it was time for the doctor's office to close. Mr. Pott left the office, and as soon as he got into his car, his skin got all red and puffy. He called the doctor the next day, and said that it happened again as soon as he got into his car, and asked if he could come back into the office. The doctor said sure, since he wasn't busy that day. Again Mr. Pott and the doctor waited to witness the described symptoms, but again, nothing happened all day. That night, as Mr. Pott was getting into his car, he broke out in a rash almost instantly. Mr. Pott again called the doctor and asked to come in. Every day Mr. Pott would go see the doctor. This went on for days, weeks, and finally months, to no avail. In fact, the doctor never did see the odd skin condition, because a watched Pott never boils. Edit: A name

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I took my wife out the other day.

What a great shot it was.

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I built a Rollercoaster park but it's not as good as a lot of others

It definitely has its ups and downs thiugh

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90s kids won't get this either

Jobs

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Two fish are in a tank...

Suddenly, one turns to the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

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A pirate captain walks into a bar...

...with a peg leg, a steering wheel hanging from his pants, and a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender: "Excuse me Captain, but you have a steering wheel hanging from your pants!" Pirate: "Arrrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."