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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "You snooze, you lose." | -Competitive insomniacs |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Phone Call | I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi!, how are you?” Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”. The voice said “So what are you up to?”. I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”. From next door, “Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said, “rather busy right now”. The voice said, “Listen, i will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions”.. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A young morticians apprentice crashes through the door of his mentors office and says excitedly: "Hey Monty! You gotta check out this lady that just came in." | Monty slowly gets up from his chair. "You know Mike, there isn't much I haven't seen. A lot of bodies have come through these doors." "Yeah, but have you ever seen a chick with a shrimp in her pussy?" Monty is intrigued. He follows Mike out to the stainless steel table and looks at the cold, naked body of a young woman. The young apprentice points triumphantly at his find. "Mike, you'll be disappointed to hear that this is not a shrimp, but is actually this woman's clitoris." Mike furrows his brow and looks first unsure, then embarrassed. "Well jeez Monty, it sure tasted like shrimp." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I found the simplest, best way to shave | You have to use Occam's Razor |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | They say that cows kill more people than airplane crashes... | It's true, my ex once chased me with a knife. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a magical dog? | Labracadabrador |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Early one morning a son goes up to his dad and asks | "What's the difference between a cunt and a pussy?" Looking a little surprised the dad goes "Come with me and I'll show you" Takes him into his mothers bedroom where she still sleeps and lifts up the sheets. Dad : you see that, that's a pussy Son: can I touch it? Dad: fuck no, you'll wake the cunt up My uncles told me this. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I totally blew it with my new girlfriend | That's how it goes with inflatable partners. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? | Attire. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do penguins do in a race? | They peng-win |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My math teacher called me average... | How mean |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between an encyclopedia and a Republican senator? | The encyclopedia has a spine. (Apologies to Senators Collins and Murkowski) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the Muslim say to Castro's gay lover? | "Stop, you are Infidel!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you and the universe have in common? | You both started with a Big Bang. (I've known this joke for a longtime and I don't remember if I made it) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence" | Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence" Jamaican student: "the cheetah is faster dandelion" *Everyone dies* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What type of berry can you drink out of? | A strawberry. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My dad told me to wipe my computer before I sell it. | I said, "Why?" He said, "Because there's cum all over it." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Apparently I'm allergic to Burt's Bees body wash | Broke out in hives |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many citrus fruits does it take to kill a pirate? | None. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend asked me if I'd ever been in a fight and I told her that I hadn't. | "You're a pussy," she said. "I once sent a guy to hospital." I said, "We're talking about fighting, not cooking." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Soviet joke | Three men have to share a hotel room in Chelyabinsk during a congress. Naturally, in the evening, they start drinking. One thing leads to another, and they find themselves telling political jokes. Concerns that any of the others may be KGB informants or that the room may be bugged are readily dissolved in alcohol. Everybody is having a great time. One is tired and really feels like sleeping; he decides to pull a joke on the others. He excuses himself, runs to the lobby and gives the receptionist a few bills. “Please send someone to my room with a bottle of vodka, some rye bread and salt in ten minutes.” He then returns to the room. After a few minutes, he notes to the others that stocks of refreshments are running low. “Not to worry, comrades! I have good contacts.” He leans over towards the potted plant in the corner, grabs it and loudly says, as if speaking into a microphone: “Comrades at the listening post, this is lieutenant Dyatlov! We urgently require a bottle of vodka, some rye bread and salt to our room! Make haste!” The others laugh their asses off – until a minute later, there’s a knock on the door and vodka, salt and rye bread is served. You could hear a pin drop. Our man goes to sleep, enjoying the quiet. When he wakes up in the morning, the others are gone. A note is left on the table. “Comrade! A couple of your jokes yesterday would easily get you to Siberia! (The one about Stalin’s maid, while hysterical, could get you in front of a firing squad!!!) However, we liked that room service joke so much, we’ll let you off the hook this time. Sincerely, KGB.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My neighbours love my taste in music. | They even call the police to listen it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | First Day of School | It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican immigrant, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth" "? Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Well to be Frank... | I would have to change my name. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The sign said, "Pay with your phone." | Sorry Wendy's, but I think my iPhone7 is worth a little more than your triple baconator. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I saved €1.50 today... | Today I came home from work, out of breath and sweaty. My wife asked me what happened, to which I replied, "I saved €1.50 today by jogging behind the bus instead of riding it." Instead of looking pleased, my wife looked annoyed. "Bloody moron," she said, "if you had jogged behind a taxi you could have saved €20!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like she was special... | ...so I got her a helmet and a box of crayons! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did they call Mozart after he died? | A decomposer Baddoom-tish |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" | Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Around 26 out of 100 people fail at probability theory | that's over 60% |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a letter from a feminist? | Hate male. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call an official weapon that shoots pieces of music? | A canon canon cannon |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Education nominee Betsy DeVos wins Senate confirmation vote | I kept seeing this in r/news, but I was sure it belonged here...... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The difference between men and women... | ...is that after being in a relationship for six months a woman wonders if it's time to say 'I love you' and a man wonders if it time to fart in bed. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. | QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity". The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in". Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"? "Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I hand over my keys | today was my last day as a school bus driver |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You know, I don't find the recent super bowl win all that historic... | After all, this isn't the first time Atlanta was burned by the north. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sounds of a countryside | Teacher in a class after holidays: "Children, who has spent the last holidays at a countryside?" Some pupils says that they have. "What new sounds have you heard in there?" "A cow says MOO" "A cat says MEOW" "The guy next door says GET THE FUCK OFF THE TRACTOR!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An interviewer asked me what my biggest weakness was | So I replied "Well I'd say my best strength is my listening skills" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I asked my wife if she wanted to try a new sex position called the 68. | I asked if she wanted to try the 68. Wife: What's a 68? Well it's when you go down on me, and I'll owe you one. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the laziest food? | Bread. It likes to "loaf" around. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man makes a bet with his boss | He bets $500 that he can lick his eyeball. Laughing the boss agrees. The man takes off a fake eyeball and licks it. The boss angrily gives him the $500. The man then bets $500 he can bite his own ears. The boss pulls his ears to check if the man is wearing any fake ones, then agrees. The man takes out a set of fake teeth from his mouth and bites his ear with them. Angry, the boss gives him $500 and tells him to go away. The next day, the man comes back. Boss: What now? Didn't you take enough money from me? Man: Trust me. This one should be easy. I bet you all your money back that you are wearing purple underwear. Boss: Haha! My underwear is black! Man: May I see some proof? The boss goes to the washroom and brings back his underwear in his hands. The man cheerfully hands $1000 to the boss. Boss: Why are you so happy? Man: Look around you. All around the office's glass walls your 43 employees are watching. Boss: And..? Man: I bet each of them $500 that I can make you take off your underwear. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Me and the wife were talking about sexy role playing when she asked what I'd like to do. | I said "Well, we go to a bar separately and pretend we've never met" "Ooh, then what?" she answered I said "Nothing, that's it". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How did the Scandinavian countries communicate during WW2? | Norse code |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. | First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I've never gone sailing before, but I want to sail around the world one day... | I have a yacht to learn before my trip. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So a man is at a bar... | So there was a guy at a bar drinking and minding his own business. Suddenly, a man walks in carrying a very large duffel bag. He sits down at the bar, and places his bag on the counter. **POOF!** Out popped a little man from the bag who looked around, and then jumped back in the bag. A few moments later he re-emerged from the bag with a smaller (proportionately sized) piano, and began to play it. Curious, the first guy asks "What's the story behind this guy?" "Well," the second guy says as he reaches into the bag. "I found this in the woods the other day" he said as he pulled a lamp of sorts from the bag. He said "It houses a genie who will grant anybody just one wish! JBe sure to speak clearly though because he is a little hard of hearing." The first guy, not taking him seriously spouts out "Well then I wish for a million bucks." All of the sudden, the bar is instantly *filled* with ducks, ducks everywhere. "What's with this?!" the first guy asked. "I asked for a million bucks!" "Oh yeah?" the second guy chimed in. "Do you think I wished for a 9-inch *pianist*?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I didn't trip | I was testing the floors reflexes! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "What's the difference between an Al-Qaeda base and a Pakistani school?" | "I don't know man, I just fly the drone." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Is this subreddit a vaccum? | because all the jokes suck. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Police stop old man. | Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Ron replied, "That would be my wife." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Rest In Peace, American Education | Coming to an end in DeVos't way imaginable. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I've been seeing this girl for a while, but I had to drop her | Someone stole my pair of binoculars |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A smart scientist amd a blonde girl sit down on a plane. | A very smart man boards a plane and sits down. A blond girl sits next to him. He is bored so he says to her "Let's play a game, I give you a riddle if you cannot find the answer you pay me 5 dollars. If you answer it though you give me a riddle and I don't answer it I'll give you 300$" She says "OK, I'll go first." "What goes up a hill on 1 leg and goes down on 2?" He thinks about it for a while but after about 10 minutes can't find a answer so he Google's it. Nothing. He calls scientists and several well educated people. They have no clue. He, a man of his word gives the 300 dollars to her. He asks for the answer she shrugs and hands him 5$ |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend thinks I'm incapable of being faithful | My wife on the other hand... has a pretty hot sister |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a fat psychic? | A four chin teller |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is 10 blocks long and never had sex? | The line for the Nintendo Switch |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump being elected is proof that we never developed time travel. | Today I know why we never developed time travel. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Home is where your friends are | So I'm homeless |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man asks the doctor | "Can I take a bath with diarrhea?" Doctor:"If you could fill the bathtub with it, why not?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why can't you starve in a desert? | Because of all the sand which is there. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". | Stupid firemen. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Girls used to call me ugly until they saw my wallet. | Now they call me ugly and poor. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There are 10 types of programmers: | Those who understand binary and those who don't |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm glad that DeVos was confirmed as education secretary. | Now I don't have to worry about my grandkids being able to read some of my dumbest Facebook posts... or anything else, for that matter. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend is breaking up with me because of my vegan diet... | By the way, have I mentioned I'm a vegan? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday... | But all the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry. PS:Not sure if this one has been on here before or not, a friend told it to me and I thought it should go here. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I don't see why Obama gave all his speeches behind bulletproof glass.. | I know he's black and all but I doubt he'd actually shoot anyone. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the green grape say to the purple grape? | Breathe dammit, BREATHE! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a blind dinosaur? | Doyouthinkhesaurus |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar. | It was tense. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do sprinters eat before a race? | Nothing, they fast. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | As an American, you know what really grinds my gears? | Not having German Engineering |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it | Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!" but it didnt fly. Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | These Bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon | Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump's presidency is historic... | He's the first president to ever be more concerned about personal insecurity than he is about national security. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was in an airport in South Korea recently, and while shopping, asked the cashier which currency he preferred. A bit agitated, he replied... | "The Korean Won!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A, C, and E walk into a bar. | The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve minors." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You guys hear about the fire at the circus? | It was InTENTSe. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A photon walks into a hotel with his luggage... | The bellhop asks, "sir, do you need help with your bags?" The photon responds, "that's alright, I'm traveling light!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 'Knock knock' | 'Who's there' 'Okay Google' 'Okay Google, who?' 'Sorry I didn't catch that' 'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?' 'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. ' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a Communist sniper? | A Marxman |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Chuck Norris calls a local hardware store.. | Chuck: Do you have a rod? Store guy: Yes. Chuck: Then shove it up your ass. *hangs up The store guy again gets a call from Chuck but the store guy thinks he has got it this time. Chuck: Do you have a rod? Store guy: No. Chuck: Did you shove it up your ass? *hangs up After a while the store guy again gets a call and the store guy thinks to himself "No way he is gonna have me this time". Chuck: Do you have a rod? Store guy: Yes and no. Chuck: Are you repetitively shoving it up your ass? *hangs up The store guy is furious now.He is so furious that this time he calls Chuck. Store guy: Do you have a rod? Chuck: Why? Do you want to shove it up your ass? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many millennials does it take to screw in a lightbulb? | None. Shit's already mad lit, fam. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A concerned husband goes to his priest... | "Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter." Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here." The priest then heads to their home and sits down with the wife and has a long discussion. He then comes back to talk to the husband. "I've spoken with your wife for over 45 minutes about this", the priest said. The husband looks intently at the priest, "Yeah, what should I do?" The priest calmly says "you should take the poison." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | They're going to start letting animals participate in the X Games... | They will all have to go through extreme vetting before entering |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went to the sewer the other day... | It was a load of crap. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | We didn't elect Harambe for president | But we still got a gorilla in office |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | People claim that in the English language, y can be a vowel | but I think that's just a myth |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Went to the gym today and cheered everyone on for an hour. On the way out the trainer stopped me... | Confused he asked me what I was doing at the gym. So I told him exactly what I was doing: "Lifting Spirits" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Ray the chicken | Ray the Chicken Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.' Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ray. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard..... "Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!" Getting OLD just isn’t what they said it would be! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why didn't the Soviet Union join WW2 until 1941? | They were using Stalin-tactics |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So as I was serving dinner, my wife asked why we were having Brussels Sprouts, "I thought you hated them, having been forced to eat as a child." | "I did," I replied, "but I have been trying to do thing I despised as a child to expand my horizons. Surprisingly, I like Lima beans, and I love naps, of course. " "Well I am proud of you! What can I do to help you 'expand your horizons'?" I replied, as nonchalantly as possible, "I am going to need you to fuck my ass". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Argon walks into a bar. | The bartender says "we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I recently saw a video of a girl sitting on various fruit | To me, that's fucking bananas |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How did Jesus feel after the Romans killed him? | How did Jesus feel after the Romans killed him? He felt pretty cross. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones. | Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? | A: "You may have graduated but I've got so many degrees" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Give a man a jacket... | And he'll be able to leave the house. Teach a man to jacket, and he'll never leave the house. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Gave my friend in a wheelchair 3 hits of molly last night | He's still rollin' this morning |
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