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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Abreva | The official sponsor of the Lombardi Trophy procession... and all other major sports trophies. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Mexican triathlon team is already being picked as the favorites for gold in the 2020 Olympics. | All of their best runners and swimmers are soon returning home. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I got into a fight with my father when I told him Jim Morrison wasn't talented. | He forced me to go to my room. I slammed my door behind me, and my dad said, "Don't you ever slam The Doors in my house again!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did." | Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I haven't seen a team blow a win this bad... | Since Hitler invaded Russia |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly | Sherman marched to the sea |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls. | He's won all 5/7. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My friend keeps saying "Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole full of water" | I know he means well... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife said that having sex on holiday was the best | It certainly wasn't the best postcard I've ever received |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Which came first? The chicken or the egg? | Chicken, the egg just laid there and took it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Donkey weatherman | Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to execute the weatherman at once! He summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see his ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the King hired the donkey on the spot. And thus began the ancient practice of hiring asses to work in government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Patriots can still win... | By Electoral College votes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I don't get football.... | At the beginning of the game, they flip a quarter to see who kicks off first. Then the rest of the game everybody just keeps trying to "get the quarter back". I mean, it's just a quarter, what's the big deal!?! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The fence and the hurricane | There was a hurricane; the aftermath was horrible There was one man who's only property damage was his fence. So he called the carpenter; and he came over. Man: "how bad is it?" Carpenter: "I salvaged some of it but you're going to need to buy some new posts; and I've got other work to attend to so find someone else to do it" Man: "can you suggest someone?" Carpenter: "I heard /r/jokes is good at reposting" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Rooster | So this farmer has a rooster named Fabio. The farmer walks out one day and Fabio is humping a duck The farmer looks over at Fabio and says " Fabio one of these days you are going to screw yourself to death" The next day the farm walks out and sees Fabio humping his goat's leg " Fabio one of these days you are going to screw yourself to death" On the 3rd day the farmer walks out to find Fabio humping his horses leg " Fabio one of these days you are going to screw yourself to death" Finally on the 4th day the farmer walks out to see vultures circling in the air. Fabio lay there dead. The farmer exclaims " I told you that one of these days you were going to screw yourself to death and now look, you've gone an done it" At that point Fabio pops his head up slightly to look at the farmer and says "**SHHHH** they are about to land" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I wonder why dogs get mad when you blow in their faces | but as soon as you put them in a car they stick their head out the window. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "What do you call an educated tube?" and other science jokes! | Q: What DO you call an educated tube? A:A graduated cylinder Q:Why did the bear dissolve in water? A:It was polar Q: How did the English major define microtome? A: A small book... Q: Why can`t you trust atoms? A: They make up everything! Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? A: To get to the same side! Q: Why should you use chromosomes in advertisements? A: Because, you know, sex cells. I...what am I doing with my life? A: Procastination! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Patriots | The pats shoulda subbed Bush in, he got more yards on that wheelchair than Blount did all game. #riseup |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When you buy a bigger bed... | You have more bed room but less bedroom |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many black people does it take to start a riot? | Negative 1 |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My granddad always did say that we were too reliant on technology... | I replied, "No, you are grandpa." As I unplugged his life support |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A cop threatened to detain me for impersonating a police officer | Apparently, "you can't arrest me, I'm a police officer!" wasn't a very good answer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I am looking for a Bank which can perform two things.. | give me a Loan and then leave me Alone. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If you listen in on a butt dial... | Is it called tapping that ass? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | And then the fight started. | A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?' The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What type of cameras do police officers in the USA like? | Point and Shoot |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight! | Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons. EDIT: Well, this is awkward. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's Tom Brady's favorite sexual activity? | Deflatio |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | No one knows what Lady Gaga is going to do during the Super Bowl... | Because you can't read her poker face. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I don't believe in conspiracy theories | I think conspiracy theorists are secretly working together to brainwash us |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Mom am I handsome? | Son:. Mom, am I handsome? Mother:. I don't know, ask your girlfriend. Son: But ,I don't have a girlfriend. Mother: Then you have your answer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Life is like a box of chocolates.... | Empty cause I am fat. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is the largest super bowl of them all? | Forty. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" | He died shortly after. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I heard this one from my grandpa | There is a white kid an asian kid and a black kid playing together on a playground at school all in the second grade. The white kid asks if they want to play a game called whose penis is bigger and they all agree. So the asian kid whips it out, the other kids say "not bad not bad" Next the white kid whips his out, and they all agree that it's bigger than the asian kids Finally, the black kid whips his out and the other two kids are in awe at how much bigger his is So when the black kid gets home his mother asks him how his day went, and he told her about the game he played with his friends and how he won. So he asked her if it was because he was black. The mom looked at him and said "no, it's because your thirteen" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What have an Ostrich, a Pelican, and the tax man got in common? | They can all stick their bills up their arse. (Credit: Billy Connolly) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A mushroom walks into a bar... | Bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms." Mushroom says, "But I'm a fun guy." Bartender says, "I just said we don't serve fungi." Mushroom says, "No, no, not 'fungi', 'fun guy.' I made a pun." Bartender says, "Get the fuck out of my bar." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My grandma just asked me, "Son, what's your retirement plan?" | I said, "It's you." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you all hear about the sick Chemist? | If they don't Helium or Curium soon they'll have to Barium |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Jesus and Moses Sit On A Boat Enjoying Retirement | **JESUS** Hey Moses, do you still, you know..... have it? **MOSES** Have it? **JESUS** Ya Ya.... You know.... That "trick" you used to do. **MOSES** Oh buddy, I've still got it. Moses moves to the front of the boat, shakes out his hands, claps them together and slowly separates them. The lake parts and the boat sits between two enormous waves. Moses holds the water with extreme precision for a 10 count, and slams the waves back together. **JESUS** WOW! Not bad for an old timer. **MOSES** Well listen there J-Star, I wasn't gonna bring it up, but since you started it, do YOU still have it? **JESUS** Moses...... I'm Jesus Christ. OF COURSE I still have it. Fundamentally I have to have it or you can't have it, ya know? **MOSES** Well the shoreline is only about 50 feet, I suppose you could -- Before Moses can get the rest of his sentence out of his mouth, Jesus sets down his wine, casts off his robe, moves to the front of the boat, and takes his first step out into the water... *SPLASH* Jesus sinks like a stone. Not ever having to be much of a swimmer, Jesus flails to the surface of the water and Moses reaches overboard and hauls him back up. **MOSES** What happened ?!? **JESUS** Last time I did this, I didn't have holes in my feet! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I heard my friend making bird puns and thought... | Toucan play at that game. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired? | They tested positive for coke. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the trilobite say to his girlfriend while they were eating? | "Can I trilobite of your food?" P.S. - my eleven year old sister came up with this |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I told myself I would stop drinking | But I'm not about to listen to some retard who talks to himself. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When A Teacher Asks You If You Did Your Homework | Teacher: Did you do your homework? Student: Did you grade my test? Teacher:I have other students' tests to grade. Student: I have other teachers' homework to do. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy loses an eye on a fishing trip with his friends | As he is laying in the hospital bed surrounded by all his family and friends after the surgery, his best friend rushes in the room and says: -I have great news!! I just ran into the doctor and he said you're not going to lose your eye! Everybody in the room turns around and the wounded man asks -Are you serious?! -Yeah! The doctor said he's going to put it in a jar with Formaldehyde and you get to keep it! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I have evidence that the mods on r/jokes are censoring posts they dont like! More info in post! | [removed] |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Do you know what pisses redditors off? | [deleted] ... and reposts |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny was arrested? | It's ok; he wasn't charged. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I want to share everything with you. | Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let’s start from your bank account. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Eventually, all hipsters will age and end up needing canes to help them walk... | ...ironically. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Man: I'll take a rum and coke | Bartender: Is pepsi ok? Man: Yeah, that'll do. Bartender: *hands him coke and pepsi* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | After a long day Johnny went to bed. | He kissed his wife on the cheek and closed his eyes, now sleeping. Suddenly he woke up with a quiver and saw a beardy old man with a cowl beside him. "Who are you and what the hell are you doing in my bedroom?" he screamed. "We are no longer in your bedroom." "I'm saint peter and you are in heaven, Johnny." "What? I'm dead? But I'm too young to die!" "If I'm dead, I demand you to take me back!" Said Johnny. Saint Peter scratched his beard. "It's not that easy. There's going to be a lot of paper work if we're going to send anyone back... But sure. You can go back, but only as either a fish or a hen." Johnny never liked swimming, his only option was the hen, and after all, the though of being one wasn't too bad according to him. If he can find another nice rooster he may as well have a good life. "I want to be a hen." He said. As in a blink of an eye Johnny was in a chicken farm, feathered and neighbouring. Everything seemed fine except he had a celestial pressure in his ass. He saw the farm rooster running towards him. "Hey, you must be the new hen. What's up? Asked the farm rooster. "Hello! I'm fine, but I feel an immense pain in my ass." said Johan. "That's the ovulation... You've never had an egg, right?" "Nope, so... how do I do it?" "Just cackle twice and then squeeze." Said the rooster. Johnny cackled twice and pinched. Bam, there was the egg lying on the ground. Wow, though Johnny. This was cool. He cackled again and pinched, another egg! The third time he cackled he heard his wife crying, "Wake up for gods sake, you are shitting down the entire bed!" **Moral of story: Don't trust anything just cause a hefty rooster said something.** |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live" | Patient: "What? 10 What? Years? Weeks?!!" Doctor: "Nine" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blond and a brunette was watching the news | Showing was a man standing on top of a tall building yelling that he's gona jump. The brunette looks at the blond and says "I bet you 200 dollars that guy is gona jump" The blond thinks for a few seconds and takes the bet. A few seconds later the man jumps off the building and just smashes into the car parked at the bottom of the building. The blond fondles in her hand bag and hands over the 200dollars. The next day the Brunette meets up with the blond again and hands her back the money explaining. "I'm sorry, I can't take your money, I've watched that news story the day before. I knew he was going to jump." The blond replied : "No keep the money, I also watched it the day before. I just didn't think he'd do it again" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Arjun the Indian wife-beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM | On the dot. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do trans-people go invisible when they have kids? | They become trans-parent. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you pick up an elephant with one hand? | You can't. Elephants don't have hands. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The chicken was acquitted of murder... | ... because there was no evidence of fowl-play. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Your family tree must be a cactus. | Because everyone on it is a prick. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why will all of the referees check their voicemail immediately after the Super Bowl? | So they can hear someone say "no missed calls" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A wise Chinese monk once said, "If the dog barks... | it's not cooked well enough." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Say, have you heard the joke about the pizza without the sauce? | Well, it goes like- Nevermind, it's too cheesy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why was the Energizer Bunny sent to jail? | Domestic battery |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. | But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What sound does a 747 make when it lands? | Boeing! Boeing! Boeing! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | As a Christian I can't Believe there are Billy Idol Cover Bands | The Bible is very clear that we should not have False Idols |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 3 mothers are sitting around having coffee and talking about their children. | The brunette mom says, "I was going through my daughters room the other day and found a bottle of vodka, I can't believe my daughter drinks!" The red head mom says, " that's nothing, I was going through my daughters room the other day and found a bag of Marijuana, I can't believe my daughter does drugs!" The blonde mom says, "I got that beat. I was going through my daughters room the other day and found a box of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blind man walks into a bar... | and a table... and a chair. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a deer with no eyes? | I have no ideer |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Man Was Tanned Everywhere Except His Penis.... | There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his penis. So, he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the penis sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world." The other lady asked what she meant and she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A boy was born without a body... | His mother carried him around when she went out. Ever time she walked to the grocery store they would pass the playground. He saw children laughing and playing and he wanted so badly to be able to join them. Every night he wished for a body to go play with the other children. To his surprise one morning he woke up to find that he could stand, and walk and play, his dream came true! He ran down the stairs and flung the door open and bolted down the road toward the playground. Just as he crossed the road his face beaming, oblivious to the oncoming traffic, a bus tried to swerve and miss him but it was to late. The boy was crushed by the bus from the neck down, only his head remained. The moral of the story is that in life it is better to stay ahead. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | And God said to man, "I will put obediant women on all corners of the world," | then laughed as he made the world a ball. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Help me | To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm in public. Thanks. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why does Trump keep marrying immigrants? | Because no Americans were willing to take the job. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How will Tom Brady feel if the Patriots lose? | Deflated. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A psychiatrists secretary walked into his study... | And said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responded... "Tell him I can't see him." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Have a good day | When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day. Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you kill a clown? | Stab it repeatedly |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Very Funny beautiful girl was a college student. | Once Very Funny Girl comes late to class. Teacher: Why are you late? Very Funny Girl : One boy was following me, sir. Teacher: So, What? Very Funny Girl : That boy was walking very slow. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife complained that our sex life was boring | I replied with "Well honey, if the same thing every three days works for r/jokes, it should be good enough for you." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife and I decided not to have children... | The kids are taking it pretty hard. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Frank and Ollie go to the beach wearing Speedos... | FRANK: Hey Ollie, you know why we have these new Speedos, right? OLLIE: No, why? They are tight. FRANK: To pick up cute girls, they like tight swim shorts on guys like us. OLLIE: Great! I like cute girls. FRANK: Here, put this potato in your speedos to pick up the cutest girls. They will go crazy for you when they see that. OLLIE: Got it, let's split up and meet back here in 30minutes with our cute girls. (30 minutes later) OLLIE: Hey Frank, all the girls where pointing and seemed crazy. But they all ran away. I couldn't even talk to them. FRANK: Ollie, the potato is supposed to go in the front! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre | So the barman gives her one |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked | i scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked. im not sure what scared him more, the fact that i was naked, or that i knew where he lived |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do riot police like to get to work early? | To beat the crowd. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A bear walks into a bar... | ... goes up to the barman and says "I'd like a gin and tonic .............. and a packet of peanuts". The barman says "Sure, but why the big pause?". The bear holds up his hands and says, "These? Hey, I was born with them". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm curious what my vegetarian friend will bring to the superbowl party tonight. | Hopefully it's an apology. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If I could travel back in time, I would go to the Inquisition. | I heard the women had nice racks. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks into a bar... | He sees a sign that reads, "cheese sandwich: $1.50, chicken sandwich: $2.50, hand job: $10." The man beckons to the sexy waitress and says, "are you the one who does the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." "Well wash your freaking hands," the man says, "I want a cheese sandwich!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I don't watch the news anymore | I just lie to my self and cut out the middle man. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm ordering a chicken and an egg from Amazon | I'll let you know |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Loving beer and wanting abs is hard | So I had to cancel my gym membership due to conflict of interests |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A farmer went into a local bar... | ...and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.' "This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman. 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses headded: 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'What a coincidence!' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Ban pre-shredded cheese. | Make America grate again! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I saw two names carved in a tree... | I do not think its cute. On the contrary, its alarming how many people take a knife on a date. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Conjunctivitis.com | That’s a site for sore eyes - Tim Vine, 2012 |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks into a bar and finds an octopus sitting on a stool... | The bartender tells the man "This octopus is really special. You can give it any instrument and it will play it better than any human ever has." So the guy needs to test this out. Luckily the bar keeps some instruments on hand for just that purpose. The man grabs a guitar and brings it to the octopus. Sure enough, it plays incredibly, the best guitar-playing the man has ever seen. The man goes and gets a violin and gives it to the octopus. Again, the octopus plays it amazingly, a virtuoso far beyond anything the man has seen before. The man has to try one more time. He saw something that surely the octopus would be vexed by - he grabs a set of bagpipes and brings it to the octopus. The octopus finally seems perplexed, just fiddling around with the bagpipes in confusion. Satisfied, the man says "Ha! I knew you wouldn't be able to play it!" The octopus looks at him and says "Play it? I was gonna fuck it once I got the pajamas off of it." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A little boy gets on the bus... | A little boy gets on the bus and stops to talk to the driver. "Did you know if my mother was a duck and my father was a duck I'd be a baby duck"? Says the boy. "I don't care" says the bus driver, "You're holding up the line". The boy replies "well did you know if my mother was a bear and my father was a bear then I would be a baby bear"? Now angry that the kid has made him late the driver responds "oh yea? Well what would you be if your mother was a whore and your father was drug dealer"? The little boy looks at him and says "If my mother was a whore and my father was drug dealer then that would make me a bus driver" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A farmer wanted to buy a new rooster to breed with his chickens... | The farmer's old rooster was getting up there in the years, so he buys a new one. The old rooster looks at the new rooster and sizes him up. "Look, sonny, I'm willing to hand over the whole henhouse to you, but you gotta prove yourself to be strong and quick. I'm gonna run, and if you can catch me, it's about time for me to retire." The young rooster thinks it over and agrees to the contest. The old rooster runs fast, but the young rooster runs faster. Just as the young rooster is about to catch up, though -- BANG! The farmer fired a gun, killing the young rooster. "Damn it, I bought another gay rooster!" |
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