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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Woman Gets On The Bus With Her Baby | The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? | Because he uses the finest ingredients. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Russian dictators are the best. | They’re the crème de la Kremlin! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is a snowflake's school grade based on? | Class precipitation. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight? | Wedding Cake. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I just completed a puzzle in 6 months | despite it saying 4 - 6 years on the box. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the zeros say after the election? | He will not divide us |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "A boy jumped through the window". What is the subject? | English literature |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." | Then I said, "turn Left". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus | The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to suck on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us." An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!" Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I didn't know the Disneyland had moved to the white house ... | Apparently the president is Donald and the vice is Mickey. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | At what time was Justin Trudeau eaten by a monster? | Ate P.M. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | We need to stop animal testing our products | "But shampoo and makeup companies do it" "We make dildos" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call it when you are studying bacteria and someone steals your sample? | Cultural appropriation. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | While I was on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem | While I was sitting on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem, I stood up and he took my seat. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | the flat earth society ... | ... has members all around the globe |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I've tried to stop swearing | but i cunt. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | US Representatives are like the dislike button on Youtube comments | They are supposed to be there to represent your dissent and anger, but never actually do. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was sitting in a diner waiting order, when I hear, | "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed...except one guy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | On his 70th birthday, an old man received a coupon from his wife... | The coupon paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I love to watch my guests throw up. | So I always put the dartboard on the ceiling. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I walked in to a supermarket today and noticed an attractive woman waving at me... | She said hello and I was rather taken aback because I couldn't place where I knew her from. So I asked, "Do you know me?" To which she replied, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now. my mind traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife and I said, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into my eyes and said calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does the oxygen say to the magma? | I LAVA you |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic? | Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? | I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Grammar Nazis no longer exist | Their called the Alt-Write now |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does the word "gay" mean? | Asked a boy to his father, to which he replied, "It means happy, son". "Are you happy the Dad?" Asked the boy "No son, I have a wife" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man driving to the store finds no place to park... | He sees an empty parking spot and eagerly drives his car into the slot, paying no attention to the "Customer Only" sign. When he comes back, his car has disappeared. He storms into the bank, where he demands to know where his car went. The banker looks straight into his eyes and whispers "I towed you so." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I love the way the world rotates | It really makes my day. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad. | Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play." Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with." Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed." The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. Mom : "Now what do I do?" Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Would you remarry if I die? | A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: -- silence -- HUSBAND: "Shit." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An old couple is sitting in church | The wife turns to the husband and says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do." "Put new batteries in your hearing aids." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | *A man is trying to prove his innocence in court* | Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body" Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis" Judge: "Guilty" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man wakes up in hospital and exclaims, "Doctor! I... I can't feel my legs"! | Doctor: "Right, that's because we had to amputate your arms". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was walking home late at night along a dark street. There was a young woman walking a few steps in front of me. | She crossed over to the other side of the road; I crossed over too. She quickened her pace a little; I quickened my pace too. She broke into a run; I broke into a run too. She panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-leather; I panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-leather too. Whatever it was, I was damned if it was going to catch me first. P.S. It's an old one, but I doubt the original used semi-colons, so give me that. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife said that I don't listen... | ...or it was something like that. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the console gamer die in the art gallary? | There was too many frames. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So i was at this bar | And the bar tender yelled "Does anyone know CPR!?" I yelled back "Yeah I do, and I know the rest of the alphabet too!" Everybody in the bar laughed....Except one guy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A cowboy dies and goes to hell, Satan say's he can choose his punishment, | However there is one rule, once you pass on a pushiment, you cannot go back, you must move onto the next one, so the cowboy agree's and satan takes him to the first room, it is a bunch of men standing on their heads, the cowboy takes a look and says "naw ill pass on this one". so they go to the next one, and its a bunch of people again standing on their heads however this time on hard concerete. once again the cowboy passes, in the third room, he sees a bunch of people standing knee deep in cow shit, smoking and drinking, the cowboy takes a look and says "well hell i lived most of my live smoking and drinking in cow shit, ill take this one. So the cowboy stands around for about a half hour smoking and drinking when satan walks back into the room and says "all right boys breaks over **EVERYBODY** back on your heads!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | As a black man why don't I like cops? | Beats me |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the foreskin that accidentally walked into the Shul? | [removed] |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I wish I got laid as much... | ... as I get screwed |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area. | I'm making little things count. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three words to ruin a man's ego...? | Is it in? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did I get divorced? | Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I have just watched a documentary on marijuana. | I think all documentaries should be watched this way. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why can't noses be 12 unches long? | Because then it'd be a foot! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess. | So I gave her to a gorilla for him to throw barrels at me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... | I'd have enough money to buy the rights for this joke. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It's Albert Einstein, not mine | Few things are Infinite, The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does a man with no balls and a small penis | have in common with a joke with a good punchline... They both make you laugh and you don't see them coming. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution | A man was driving along one evening and saw a sign that said, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 10 miles." Thinking is was a little weird, he then comes to another sign, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles." So when he gets to the place, out of curiosity, he decides to check it out. He walks up to the door and a nun answers. He tells her about the signs he saw and she says, "Oh yes, come on in." Once inside, she instructs him to take the door to the right, go down the hall to the left and Sister Agnes will greet you. So he does as instructed, going through the door to the right and down the hall to the left and there's Sister Agnes, who says, "Yes, that will be $50 please and just take this door to the right." He pays his money and takes the door to the right, where he finds himself back out in the parking lot with a big sign that says, "Thank you, you've just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It takes many nails to build a crib... | But only one to fill it |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | After Noah led the animals onto the ark, it started to rain | After Noah led the animals onto the ark, two by two, it started to rain for 40 days and 40 nights. After the 15th day, with all the animals cooped up together with no designated toilet area, the ark began to smell. So Noah, being a wise old Noah, decided to set up a designated shitting area at the bow of the ark. He then called the animals in for a meeting. He proceeded to tell them about the newly designated shitting area. After the 20th day there was so much shit gathered at the bow that the ark began to tilt, leaving the stern raised making it near impossible to play pool. So, being a wise old Noah, he once again had a plan. With the help of the big animals such as the elephants and rhino's he rolled up all the shit into one huge ball and threw it overboard into the ocean.... 325,000 years later Christopher Columbus discovered it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a gay couple in their 80? | Slo-mo sexuals. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | One day, Canada will take over the world. | Then we'll all be sorry. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I got arrested for killing a black man. | They charged me with impersonating a police officer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is Justin Timberlake's Favorite vacation spot in the Ukraine? | Crimea River |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Britain is the best place for foodies. | You loose pounds everytime you eat |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I sat next to a smoking-hot thai woman on an aeroplane once... | I thought to myself.... *"please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...."* And then she did. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do fish like to smoke? | Seaweed |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two fish are swimming | Two fish are swimming, One hits a wall and says dam. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's Trump's favorite math operation? | Division. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Talk is cheap. | But AM radio still can't turn a profit. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I saw two kids fighting on the play ground. | As the only adult there I had to step in. They never had a chance. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the young casserole say to his mother when she called him down for dinner? | "I can't Ma, I'm stroganoff!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Are you a dime? | Because no one fucking wants you. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Nerdy pickup line | Hey baby, are you a compressed file format, because rar. ^^^^^now ^^^^^where ^^^^^did ^^^^^I ^^^^^put ^^^^^the ^^^^^bleach... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Girlfriend: Would you dump me for someone more like a trophy wife? | Me: Honey, I already have someone like that! Girlfriend: Aww, you're too sweet! Me: Yeah, you should meet her! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If a feminist makes herself a sandwich.. | Is she oppressing herself? Bring it on. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman is cleaning her daughters room when she stumbles upon her diary. She sees an entry that reads: "I lost my virginitty today" | The woman starts crying. "How can this happen? I've given her everything. Why did she do this to me? She can't be serious about this. She's in 9th grade for gods sake. How does she not know how to spell virginity?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 'Waiter,' said the customer, 'there's a hair in this honey.' | 'Ah', replied the waiter, 'it must be from the comb.' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Ever since I've installed Adblocker... | for some reason all the local singles lost interest in me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's it called when an entire store is sick? | A staph (staff) infection. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Z used to be at the front of the alphabet | But as we all know, a threw z. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I know that the placebos is supposed to help with testing pills and medicines if they actually work... | But who's smart-ass idea was it to try it with Birth Control!?!? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | New Yorkers; don't go on flight 225B tomorrow | *sent from a Galaxy Note 7* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Hello, is this the anonymous FBI tip line?" | "Yes, Dave." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? | Run like hell, she's holding a hand grenade. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a skinny tree? | The Real Slim Shady |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does the NFL, NBA, and the Catholic Church have in common? | They all have a cult following |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 100,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. | The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I can never calculate the derivative of a curve. | Every time I try, I go off on a tangent. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana | Tiger Woods has a better driver |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two surfer dudes are sitting in church | One turns to the other and says, "DUDE! Did you know God has a name?" "Dude, NO WAY!!!" "Yahweh!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The only difference between my dick and a tiny action figure | Is that my dick comes without any warning. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I have a feeling Gordon Ramsay likes to wear condoms when he has sex | Because he doesn't like it raw. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A college teacher noticed that his exchange student, Dave, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention. | So, one day he asked Dave about his secret. Dave replied: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer". Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower: "Is that you, Dave?". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Ellen should give away more stuff | Then rename her show Ellen the Generous. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you get if your pour hot water down a rabbit hole? | Hot-Cross bunnies! 😂 |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Me: Hey dad, tell me a joke! | Dad: Pussy. Me: I don't get it. Dad: I know. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a pile of kittens? | A meowntain. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree... | After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate and chirped, “Dear, I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you think the unthinkable? | With an ithburg. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. | When the bartender points it out, the pirate replies "Arrrgh, it's been driving me nuts all day." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My friend says he has the body of a Greek god... | I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | OMG!! I used to be SOOOOOOO popular with the local ladies!!! | THen I got ad-blocker |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Bill Gates Went To A Restaurant And Paid A $2 Tip, The Waiter Remarked: "Your son gave $100, but you're only giving $2?" | Bill Gates: "He's the son of a billionaire, I'm the son of a farmer." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Poor old fool | “Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I became a proud dad today. | My son is four, but he acted like a whiny bitch for the first three years. |
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