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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? | Your mom can't take a joke. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Yes, I’ve lost to my computer at chess... | But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do people never eat clocks? | Because it’s really time consuming. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My son got hold of my autobiography and threw the pages all around the house. | I really need to sort my life out. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Short gun story | A man walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a colt 45 model 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who is sleeping with my wife!" A voice yelled from the back of the bar, "You're gonna need more ammo!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My friends asked me to impersonate a lion. | It was a roaring success. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A software engineer walks into a bar. | He sits down and sees the bartender yelling at the computer when trying to process a customer's order. "Why are you yelling at the computer?" the engineer asks. "Nothing is working! The software on the computer is riddled with bugs!" responds the bartender. The engineer takes a look at the computer and notices the software it is running was actually written by himself a few years earlier. Immediately, he gets offended. "Those aren't bugs!" the engineer yelled. "Those are alternative features!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having sex into the early hours of the morning. | I would have asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel... | ....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? | One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Porn is so unrealistic | Just took a shower with my girlfriend..... And stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What’s the difference between anal and oral sex? | Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb? | Six. One Slytherin to break it. One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it. Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student. And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blonde walks in on her boyfriend cheating on her | She pulls out a gun and says: I'm done with you! Boyfriend: Calm down, calm down. We can settle this with words. The blonde puts the gun to her head Boyfriend: What do you think you're doing? Blonde: Don't worry, you're next. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Hillary Clinton is getting her own video game. | Left 4 Dead: Benghazi |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do vegetarians give good head? | Because they’re used to eating nuts. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic. | We'll show him. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An old man is met by his attorney... | ...and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop" the old man wagered. The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!" exclaimed the attorney. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb? | None, it's already lit, fam. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season? | Because it is just as real as the other religions. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The most attractive part of Amy Schumer is.... | Her Gravitational pull. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If you're a guy applying for a porn agency... | Do you send headshots or headshots? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I painted my computer black to make it run faster... | but it just stopped working |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing | How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How does a bass player pick up girls? | He says "Hi I'm a guitarist" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why was Six afraid of Seven | Because Seven was a registered Six offender. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt | Today, I will fuck a cactus. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Throwing acid is wrong.. | .. in some people's eyes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey? | A new kingdom would be formed known as full. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! | “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?” “No, but he always wanted to be.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Beyonce has more black people inside her than. | Donald trumps cabinet. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a good joke and | a bad joke timing |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I wanted to start a business selling premium dildos, | but I think I can't compete with Apple selling overpriced stuff for assholes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Wanna hear a joke about sodium? | Na |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do the T-Rex often have trouble high-fiving? | Because they're dead. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project | For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes. "All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back. "Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | After my girlfriend got pregnant, | After my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed. My address, my job, my phone number... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A new harbour master... | A new harbour master decided to send a toll man to a Russian ship and he told him "Be sure to be thorough they usually hide a lot of vodka" Amazingly the toll man didn't find anything. But 5 days later the ship still hadn't moved so he called the captain to see what the problem was. "Well your toll man looked everywhere so we had to throw the vodka out the windows and now we are stuck on a mountain of glass." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What language does furniture speak? | Forniture Polish. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | bathroom joke | How long a minutes is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why was the hay upset? | Because the straw was about to bale |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A teenage boy was delivering papers | A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My dad was trembling when I told him my brother and I had gotten jobs as valets. | I guess he really didn't like the idea of having parking sons. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Woody Joke | What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car With Wooden Seats Wooden Tires And A Wooden Engine? It Wooden't Start |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Not sure who this "OP" person is, | but it seems like every guy on reddit has slept with his mom. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the man with no arms and no legs? | The doctor said he would be arsing around for the rest of his life |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is the worst possible slogan for someone running for president in Germany? | Make Germany great again |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Dad, what made you fall ill in Hawaii?" | "Poi, son." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Measuring device. | The device used to measure people's gullibility is called a Gullibilometer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I spent last night defrosting the fridge | Or "foreplay" as she used to call it |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | /r/Jokes is like America. | Nothing Pro-Trump will get a popular vote. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When Trump visited the White House before his presidency... | He asked then president Obama how he managed to run two successful terms. "Simple", Obama replied, "Just get an intelligent wife" "How do I know my wife is intelligent?" Trump asked. "Just ask her intelligent questions and if she answers correctly, then you know she is intelligent". Obama then called Michelle and asked "Darling, your parents have a child, the child is neither your sister nor your brother, who is the child?" "The child is certainly me", Michelle replied. "You see!", Obama told Trump, "that is how I know my wife is intelligent." On return to his home, Trump called Melania and asked her, "Darling, your parents have a child, the child is neither your sister nor your brother, who is the child?". After serious thinking and scratching her head, Melania is unable to get the answer, she tells Trump to give her some time to think. She goes around asking all her friends but she is unable to get the answer. At the washrooms, she meets a cleaner and asks her "Your parents have a child, the child is neither your sister nor your brother, who is the child? "Simple, the cleaner replies, the child is me". Amused with herself, Melania walks to the husband and says, "I now know the answer, the child is our cleaner!" "WRONG!" Trump yells at Melania, "the child is not our cleaner, the child is Michelle Obama!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of swimsuit do you wear to the zoo? | Zuchini |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I felt a little behind in Middle School | It was a major bummer when the cops found out :( |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Freshman Seminar Professor Was Trying To Wow His Students | He told them, "In the English Language, a double negative equals a positive. For example, I didn't not do it equals I did it. But no double positive in English equals a negative." A student in the back shouted, "YEAH, RIGHT!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | People say I don't have friends. | They're wrong. I have 10 seasons on DVD. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does a car do when a ram is running towards it? | Dodge. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich... | He sits down at a table and orders a meal for him and his bird. After the meal, and the check was delivered, the waitress noticed the man pulled out his wallet and dumped the exact amount of the bill onto the table plus a generous whole number tip. She was surprised but grateful so didn't mention anything. When him and his bird came in again the next night, he ordered a different meal for him and the ostrich, some drinks and a dessert to share. After the check was delivered the gentleman pulled out his wallet and dumped the exact amount of money to cover the bill and still leave a generous whole number tip. Bewildered, but not wanting to be rude, the waitress again said nothing. The third night the man came in with his ostrich once more, ordered an appetizer, some more drinks, and two more entrees different than before. The waitress brought over the check again and watched closely as the man pulled open his wallet and dumped the contents out, which as expected before, was the perfect amount. "How do you do it??" She asked, curiosity getting the best of her. "Well if you believe me, I once was trapped in the desert close to death when I stumbled upon a magic lamp. The genie inside granted me 3 wishes! My 1st wish was to get out the desert so I'd live. The 2nd was to have a wallet that would always have the exact amount of money that I need..." The waitress interrupted excitedly: "And your 3rd wish was for a magic ostrich?!" The man laughed, "No my dear, it was for a chick with long legs!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects? | Because he's an ex-terminator |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Everything is so political nowadays | I turned on nickelodeon to see Bob the builder building a wall so Dora couldn't explore. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What the difference between carbon and my ex? | She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | People keep telling me I don't have friends. | That's not true, I have all 10 seasons on DVD. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When Donald Trump has sex, his female partner is always on top. | Because he can only fuck up. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How did the dwarf reach the cookies on top of the fridge? | He Imp-provised. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Muslims say islam is the religion of peace | Everyone else says they forgot the S. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A police officer called his station back on Radio. | He was at a murder scene where an old woman shot her husband for stepping on just mopped floor. Dispatch: So was an Arrest made ? Officer: Not yet. Dispatch: ? Officer: The floor is still wet. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the most popular kind of music in the Czech Republic? | Prague Rock |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. | I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Good Girls, Bad Girl’s And Naughty Girls | Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons Naughty girls unbutton your pants Good girls wax their floors Bad girls wax their bikini line Naughty girls wax your nutsack Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies Bad girls know they could do it better Naughty girls do it with whips and chains Good girls wear white cotton panties Bad girls don’t wear any Naughty girls don’t really give a shit Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace " Good girls pack their toothbrush Bad girls pack their diaphragms Naughty girls pack their dildos Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection Good girls wear high heels to work Bad girls wear high heels to bed Naughty girls make you wear high heels Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance Bad girls think no place is the wrong place Naughty girls have sex all over the place Good girls prefer the missionary position Bad girls do too, but only for starters Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra Good girls say no Bad girls say when? Naughty girls don’t say anything, they just moan and scream a lot. Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed. Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home. Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them. (Saw this from a 2003 mail forwarding chain when I was cleaning my yahoo mail) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two southern belles are standing outside on a sunny day | Elizabeth: "My husband got me this beautiful diamond ring yesterday, isn't it just precious?" Evelyn: "How nice for you!" Elizabeth: "and this beautiful ranch was left to me by my daddy. Isn't it just wonderful?" Evelyn: "How nice for you!" Elizabeth: "And my dear sweet brothers bought me those absolutely majestic horses you see off in the distance." Evelyn:"Well, how nice for you!". Elizabeth: "Evelyn you're a beautiful, young woman. Surely the men in your life must take good care of you!" Evelyn: "Oh they do! My daddy really valued a good education and he sent me to boarding school. They taught literature, arithmetic, history, and how to speak in polite society. That's where they taught me to say 'how nice for you' instead of 'I don't give a fuck'" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban.... | He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off. Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out." Boss: " So what are you saying....?" Man: "I'm calling in Sikh." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does a pregnancy and alcoholism have in common? | They can both be ended with a twelve step program |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You know what really blew people's minds in the '90s? | Kurt Cobain's suicide. Blew his too. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call someone who has had no friends for 5 years? | A Sandy Hook survivor. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Have you ever wondered why they have a women's studies major in colleges but no men's studies major? | Well actually they do, it's called World History. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 3 logicians walk into a bar | the bartender asks "is everyone having a beer?" the first logician says "I dont know" the second logician says "I dont know" the third logician says "yes" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump passes a travel ban for all his supporters. | They are not allowed to leave the county. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What event will Mexico win in the next summer Olympics? | Hurdles, high jump and pole vault. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Asked my dad what LGBT stands for | He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish". [True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.] |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Rockets? Maybe. But the Chinese haven't contributed to aviation. | After all, two Wongs don't make a Wright. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it... | AlGoreRythyms |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Scientists have discovered a new gay dinasaour... | The Megasoreass |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My friend was reading an anti-gravity book... | He couldn't put it down. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why does Jeffrey Dahmer have a blender on his front porch? | So when he gets visitors, he can greet them with a hand shake! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I watched a porno movie last night... | It was pretty good but the plot had a lot of holes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hit the gym today. | Broke my hand on the entrance doors. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dunno why people like to associate Comcast with the Nazis | It's not like they're the fascist out there. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Swim Race | A local pool was holding a swim meet for the disabled. There were three contestants, one man had no arms, one man had no legs, and one man was just a disembodied head. The contestants got up on their blocks and prepared for the race. The starting pistol fired and the three men dove into the water. the man with no arms took the early lead, the man with no legs was gaining ground, and the head sunk straight to the bottom as a trail of bubbles floated to the surface. The race ended and the man with no legs swam down to save the head. He placed the head on the deck and after a couple of coughs the head turned to the staff and shouted "You Motherfucker, three fucking years I've been learning to swim with my fucking ears and two minutes before the start you put a goddamn swim cap on me!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I tried coming up with a joke about mean people. | But they were all just average |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Enough about my weight!!! | “I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!” “But honey, what about our child?” “What child?!” “Oh, so you’re not pregnant?” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump's New Book | I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was an Arabic bookstore. The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me. I know I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's Book on his U.S. Immigration policy regarding Muslims and Illegal aliens?” The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay Out!” I said, “Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time. | "How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I once tried greeting everyone I met by saying "titanic"... | Turns out it wasn't a very good ice breaker |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the Jamaican say after winning the barefoot marathon? | "Da trill of victory always betta dan de agony of de feet!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It's not that hard to tell an alligator and a crocodile apart.. | One will see you later and the other will see you in a while |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does an Arab guy say when he's happy? | - Yemen! What does an Arab guy say when something upsets him? - Oman... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Someone asked me to validate their parking | So I said, "You did a very good job. I am very proud of you." ^^I'm ^^sorry. ^^I ^^actually ^^said ^^that ^^to ^^someone ^^at ^^work ^^today. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Today I went to my meeting of the Premature Ejaculation group | Turns out it is tomorrow. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went to an international "Flat Earther" convention the other day | Turns out they have members all around the world |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? | A synonym roll. |
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