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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | At the watering hole, an elephant suddenly picked up a tortoise and flung it as far away as he could. | A lion asked, "Why'd you do that?" The elephant said, "That's the same one that bit me on the trunk 17 years ago last week." The lion said, "Wow. Amazing memory." The elephant said, "Sure. Turtle recall." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I had a problem with my computer yesterday... | So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ? 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: ID10T I used to like Eric, the little bastard. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does Scrabble and a circle jerk have in common? | It's a great way for a family to come together. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol | ...It's the damnedest thing. After 12 or 13 beers, I throw up! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Preston: Knock Knock! | Mom: Who's There Preston: Preston. Mom: Preston who? Preston let out a disheartening sigh as he walked away from the door, knowing his mother's Alzheimer's was getting worse. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Not quite what she was expecting... | Guy: I work with animals every day! Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own- Guy: I'm a butcher. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A John Picks up a Hooker.. | A John picks up a hooker. They're on their way to the motel when she just can't stop talking about how awesome her pussy is. They get to the room. She takes off her clothes. She says to the guy, "Put a finger in." He does. "Put two fingers in." He does. "Put four fingers in." He does. "Put your hand in." He does. "Put your other hand in." He does. "Now, clap." He says " I can't." She says, "Tight, isn't it?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Older couple | An older couple is spending time up in the bedroom before turning in for the night. Hubby's reading the paper while his wife is checking herself out in the mirror. Every few minutes, she lets out with a little- "Ooooh!" and "Awww!" Finally, the husband can't concentrate and puts the paper down. "Whaaaat? What the hell is going on with you over there?" "Tsk... it's just that every time I look in the mirror lately, all I see is that I'm getting older and fatter and uglier every day!", she says, pouting. "I could really use a compliment right now." The husband looks her up and down and says- "Well, there's absolutely nothing wrong with your eyesight!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between the show Jackass and CNN news? | Suits |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A joke for Donald Trump - what do you get when you cross Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles? | Killed in a tunnel |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A priest was driving along... | ... and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who've had an abortion? | Little miss conception |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his exams? | "Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 3 surgeons walk into a pub... | ...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England." The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in an accident and I sewed them back on. 2 years later, he won a gold medal at the olympic games." The third physician, who had been silent to this point says: "Amateurs! A couple of years ago, a young businessman overdosed on coke. He rode his horse in front of a train, tried to stop the train and was ripped into pieces. The only thing left was the man's butt and the horses forelock. I patched him up and two weeks ago, this man was sworn in as President of the United States. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the first amendment in Super Mario's constitution? | Freedom of Peach |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | John dies due to a car accident | In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks. He asks the Angel "What up with all these clocks?" Angel answers "These clocks measure lies, every person has one clock assigned to them. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks." The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock does this belong to?" Angel answers 'This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. She has never told a lie, so it hasn't moved." John walks around and sees all sorts of clocks with different times on them. He reaches a room having clocks of the presidents. He notices that it doesn't have Trump's clock. So he asks "Where is Trump's clock?" The Angel replies "That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Fart Football | An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by his wife, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops the bed..The wife says, "What the heck was that?" The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks in to a hospital | And says to the doctor "I have five penises". The doctor asked him how his pants fitted. "Like a glove" he replied. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I may look like a joke to you.... | ...but I'm completely dad inside |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? | The swallow |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the cartographer get kicked out of map making club | He had a bad latitude |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a snowman who trades sex for money? | A Frostitute. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was afraid that I had stepped on my child's hamster this morning... | ... but laughed when I double checked. I had just tripped on a little puddle of blood and fur. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How does Hitler sneeze? | **a-jew* * |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the best thing about an Oprah Winfrey joke? | You get the joke! You get the joke! You all get the joke! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Ducks | Three wisemen die and go to heaven for their good deeds. When they arrived at the gates, an Angel greets them and explains the rules, "Under no circumstances are you to step on a duck". And throwing the gates open the wisemen see ducks as far as the eye could see. The first wiseman goes a week and steps on a duck. The Angel appears and says "Follow me". So the Angel leads him down a long dark hallway to a room with the ugliest creature he'd ever laid eyes on, "This is your spouse for eternity" says the Angel, locking him in and leaving. A month goes by and the second wiseman steps on a duck, the Angel appears and takes him down the long dark hallway to a room with the ugliest creature he's ever seen, tells him that's his spouse now, locks him in and leaves. The last wiseman goes a whole year and doesn't step on a duck, but the Angel appears anyway and tells him to follow. They walk down a long dark hallway to a room with the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. "Is this my reward for not stepping on ducks?" The Angel smiles, "No, she stepped on a duck" Also while typing this I farted so hard I woke up my wife |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Mall Security pick up a lost boy... | Mall Security pick up a lost boy at the shopping center. The Mall cop asks, "Who were you with?" The little boy answers, "My Granddad." The Mall cop asks, "What's he like?" The little boy thinks for a moment and replies, "Whisky and women with big tits." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So I replaced all of the incense in the Friar's chamber with Marijuana | He's a High priest now |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why was the blind Mexican only saying "no"? | Because he couldn't Si |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My Asian friend got his Jewish wife pregnant. | I guess "Cha Ching" wasn't an appropriate name suggestion |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump never eats russian salad... | He knows what Vladmir Putin it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the mermaid wear seashells? | Because the B shells were too small and the D shells were too big. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why can't you trust atoms? | Because they make up everything. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do all gay men sound the same? | Because they are Homonyms |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts | I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it. | Because elephants never forget. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Just left an interview and they told me there'd be a drug test. I'm not worried, though. | I know a lot about drugs, so it should be a pretty easy test. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Engineers and Lawyers | Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line, three engineers purchase a single ticket. One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to travel with just a ticket between the three of you?" "Watch and you'll see," winks one of the engineers. The train arrives, and the six of them climb on. The three lawyers take their seats while the three engineers pile into a bathroom. The train gets underway. A conductor starts making his rounds. Noticing the bathroom is occupied, he knocks on the door and asks, "Ticket, please." The door cracks open a hair, and a single ticket is offered. The conductor punches it, and continues on. The three lawyers admit that this is a good trick, and that they should try it on their next journey. As luck would have it, after spending a few days in Chicago, they see that the three engineers will be on board their train. The lawyers purchase a single ticket for the three of them, while the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to ride, if you don't have a ticket?" "Watch and you'll see," came the reply. The lawyers get on the train, and scramble into a bathroom. The engineers cram themselves into an adjacent bathroom. The train leaves, and picks up speed. One of the engineers gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the lawyers' bathroom, and knocks. "Ticket, please." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Had a job interview today | I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "$200 and it's yours." Didn't get the job btw... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you get when you mix sodium hydroxide with hydrochloric acid? | Water, and /r/leagueoflegends |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two Jewish brothers are walking down the street. | They pass a Protestant church whose sign read "Convert to Christianity, Receive $2000". One of the brothers said "I'm going in there to check this out" His brother says "You can't possibly be thinking about converting to Christianity! This is your people this is your heritage!" his brother says "No no, I'm just going to see why they're doing it" After two hours he comes out of the church and says to his brother "I have converted to Christianity, I believe that Jesus is the true lord and savior of humanity and that he will return to earth to bless us and take us to heaven for an eternity of everlasting bliss". His brother says "Well what about the $2000?" He says "What is it with you people and money?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump has been looking smaller and smaller lately. | He's on the low-fact diet. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine... | when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went to see Don Quixote at the theater yesterday and there was a short break in the middle of the play. | We didn't know it would happen, no one expected the Spanish intermission. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How to make scrambled eggs | Step 1: Find omelette recipe Step 2: Follow omelette recipe until folding step Step 3: Try to fold the omelette in the pan Step 4: Fuck it up because how the fuck do you even do that Step 5: Enjoy scrambled eggs |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I knew an Indian who drank so much tea | that he died in his tea pee |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Wow, Donald Trump is President. I haven't seen Democrats this mad since.... | ...slavery was outlawed and the desegregation of public schools! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm not addicted to cocaine | I just like the way it smells. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company | The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant. To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18? The mathematician immediately responds "63". The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 10%". The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70". The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers "*how much do you want it to be?*" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a rock musician and a jazz musician? | A rock musician plays 3 chords for 20,000 people, and a jazz musician plays 20,000 chords for 3 people |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? | A pool table. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? | Jack Daniels is still killing Indians. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do Jewish people have circumcised penises? | Because they're 20% off |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A bartender says "Hey! We don't serve faster-than-light particles here!" | A tachyon flies into a bar. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do farmers get the party started? | They turnip the beets. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a piece of corn all by itself? | A Unicorn. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An older couple is driving down the highway... | An older couple is driving down the highway when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up to the driver side window and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" And from the passenger's side, he hears a woman yell, "WWHHAAAAAT?!?" The driver turns to her and shouts, "HE WANTS TO KNOW HOW FAST WE WERE GOING!!!" Turning back to the cop, the old man says, "Sorry about that officer. My wife is pretty hard of hearing. And if we were driving a little too fast, I apologize and promise to slow it down." The cop says, "Uh huh. And where abouts are you folks headed?" And again, "WWHHAAAAATT?!?!" "HE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING!! I'm sorry, Officer.... Uh, Michigan. We're on our way to see our Grandson." And the cop says, "Michigan, huh? Yeah, I used to know a gal up in Michigan. Worst sex I ever had." The old lady yells, "WWHHHAAAAATT?!?!" and her husband turns to her and shouts, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Saw a midget carrying a television the other day | I asked him if he need any help carrying the television. He told me to fuck off and said its an ipad. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a female to male surgery? | addadicktome |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do jews celebrate Christmas? | By installing a parking meter on the roof. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? | A condescending con descending |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Squaring numbers is just like girls | If they're under 13, just do them in your head |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb? | It depends if you Count Dracula. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend and I were about to go for a late night walk. | Her dad said, "Don't forget to wrap up." I said, "Don't be silly, she's on the pill." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Do you want to satisfy your hardcore food fetish? | Buy my new book: 50 Shades of Grey Poupon |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A young man and his date were parked... | ... on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. | A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Told an inmate to have a safe drive home. | I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change: Inmate: "drive home safe" Me: "yeah you too..." Me: (thinking "oops, ouch") Coworker: "Muahahaha" Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad" Me and my coworker burst out laughing |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan.. | A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?” The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.” “Pet fish?!” the warden replied. “Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take ’em home.” “That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!” The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.” “O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said “Well?” “Well, what?” the man responded. “When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted. “Call who back?” the man asked. “The FISH.” “What fish?” the man asked. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Today is a ballerinas favorite day... | Its 2-2 |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | MOMMY MOMMY, I DONT WANT TO VISIT GRAMPA! | Shut up and keep digging... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Tourettes | I took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesnt have it, I actually am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Viagra | Viagra should be classified as a hard drug. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Heaven's New Rule | God was sitting with St. Peter and let him know of a new rule he wanted to implement. "If someone's last day on Earth is terrible, they get one more day." St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates ready to enact Heaven's new rule when the first soul approached. St. Peter said "My son, tell me about your last day on Earth" First Guy "St. Peter you wouldn't believe my last day on Earth! So I get home early from work and go to my 19th floor apartment. I open the door and there's a trail of men and women's clothes leading to my bedroom. There on the bed was my wife naked and sweaty. You bitch! You're cheating on me!? I screamed. So I tore through the apartment looking for the guy. I looked under the bed and in the closet, no one was there. On my way to check the living room I see two hands hanging onto my balcony railing. I throw open the sliding door and start kicking the hands and yelling at the guy. He falls 19 floors and hits the ground, but he's still squirming. So I go to the kitchen and push my fridge over to the balcony and over the railing. It nails the guy. I turn around and go to yell at my wife when I die of a heart attack." SP "You poor man! Go have an extra day" Well now the second soul is approaching the Gates, so St. Peter says "My son, tell me about your last day on Earth" Second Guy "St. Peter my last day was AWFUL! So I'm gardening on the 20th floor of my apartment building when I lose my balance and fall. Thankfully I managed to catch the railing right below my balcony. When out of nowhere this lunatic appears and starts kicking my hands and screaming something about sleeping with his wife. I fall from the balcony, and the last thing I remember seeing is a fridge falling towards me." SP *snickering* "Go have your day!" A third soul is approaching the Gates so St. Peter says. "My son, tell me about your last day on Earth" Third Guy "So I'm naked in a fridge...." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three men find a genies lamp. | After a horrific plane crash three men end up on a desserted island. An Englishman, a Frenchman and a German. While searching for shelter, they discover a genies lamp. The Frenchman grabs it and rubs it......poof the genie appears and grants them each one wish. The Frenchman speaks up first "I want all my people togeather, every French speaking person to be in our own beautiful island. We can enjoy the arts, drink wine and smoke in church." Instantly the Frenchman disappeared. The German was very intrigued and asked for the same, "I want all my people togeather on an island, we can drink beer and eat bratwurst. Poof he disappeared. The genie asked the Englishman if he wanted the same. "Are all the French and Germans really isolated on their own islands." The genie confirms they were. " Shit then I'm good, does this place gave wifi?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the blonde get into a car accident? | She thought "dodge" and "ram" were instructions |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Liberals declared leukemia to be racist | There's too many white cells. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend is quite selfish in the bedroom | I gave her an orgasm last night and she spat it back in my face |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | They had to stop the leprosy hockey game | Due to a face-off in the corner. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My waifu is the square root of -100 | She's a perfect 10, but imaginary. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall... | ... to keep Dora from exploring. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "What line should we wait in for food?" | "Pho queue" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There's a strange movie called "Being Vladimir Putin." | It's about a Russian dictator who discovers a secret door in the Kremlin that magically leads up the asshole of Donald Trump. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There are 10 types of people | Those who recycle binary jokes, and those who recycle other jokes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Abortion jokes are really shallow... | They always fail to deliver. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "How did Trump become president?!?!" | Asks the country getting its weather forecast from a groundhog. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A penguin goes to the mechanic | A penguin's car breaks down and he takes the car to the mechanic. The mechanic tells him to come back in an hour. The penguin goes wandering around town and he stumbles upon an ice cream store. He buys some ice cream and goes back to the mechanic. The mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin responds "No, no, its just ice cream." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Last week was my 40th birthday. | I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch... In my birthday suit. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Jewish man Sent his son on a trip to Israel | When his son returned, it was brought up that, while on the trip, he had converted to Christianity. Distraught, the Jewish man went to a close friend of his and explained the situation. The other man replied, "Well that's strange, I too sent my son to Israel a Jew, and he too came back a Christian!" The two men were saddened, yes, but also intrigued. They went to their Rabbi with the concerns, again explaining the situation. As they were explaining what had happened, the Rabbi had a pained look on his face, and when they were done he responded, "Well that's strange, my son went on the same trip as a Jew, and he too came back a Converted Christian!" The three men devised a plan to figure out what was going on. They got on a plane and flew to Israel, determined to find out what was converting their sons! They found nothing, and went to the West Wall to pray about it. They screamed to the sky, "GOD, WE HAVE SENT OUR SONS TO ISRAEL AS JEWS, AND THEY CAME BACK CHRISTIAN, WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO US?!" There was a moment of complete silence, followed by a booming voice from the sky... "Well that's strange..." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Iran bans Americans from traveling there. | Won't beheading there anymore |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A pregnant woman and husband attend a pregnancy class together. | The doctor is explaining to the class how to make pregnancy and delivery easier on the couples. He goes on to explain how it's very beneficial to walk during the pregnancy, as it is good for exercise and such. The doctor explains to the husbands they should encourage it by accompanying them on their walks. A slow pace and frequent stops is recommended, as well as walking on grass or other softer surfaces. After the doctor finishes he asks for questions and one husband raises his hand. The husband says "would it be ok for her to carry the clubs too?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home | She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why is the nose in the middle of the face? | Its the scenter. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are Samurai so easy to kill? | There are only chinks in the armor |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A partially deaf guy and his wife are having a baby. | The wife has a fairly hard labor, there were a few complications but all was well and now have a beautiful baby girl. The husband turns to the doctor and asks, "So doc, when can we..uhh..be intimate again?" The doctor smiles and tells the man, "About 6 to 8 weeks." The man loses his shit and yells, "68 WEEKS!" **Disclaimer:** This is a totally true story that happened to my loving mother and father who tell this story every chance they get. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is E.T. short for? | He has really small legs |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do marxists only drink herbal tea? | Because proper tea is theft. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? | A receding hare line |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was changing the 15 fuses at the Buzzfeed HQ building | Number 5 shocked me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Have you heard about the vampire turned poet? | He went from _bat_ ... to __verse__! |
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