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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A little old lady goes into an adult bookstore. | A little old lady, about 70 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and slowly shuffles up to the counter, her hands shaking. She stutteringly says, "Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I'm embarrased..." The clerk says, "Please don't be ma'am, human sexuality is a beautiful, natural thing. You have nothing to be embarrassed about." Trembling, she asks, "All right, do- do- do you have (whispers) women's...pleasure...aides here? "Like, vibrators and dildos? Yes, ma'am, we have a large selection of both." "An- an- and do- do you know much about them?" The clerks looks are her shaking form and says, "Yes, ma'am, I do. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have." To which she replies, "Great! Do- do- do- do you know how to shut 'em off?!" :-) (Note: When telling this joke in person, be sure to shake your hands when you're doing the little old lady's voice! Earned me a few laughs back when I was bartending :) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a Barbie on fire? | A Barbecue! Be gentle. First post. And I remember making this up on a long car ride when I was just 4:) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a women who cant make a sandwich? | Single |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You already know the punchline. | What is the worst part about time travelling jokes? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why doesn't the sun go to college? | Because it already has 28 million degrees |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Me: So do you like guys with low self esteem? | Girl: Of course, yes, I do Me: Please don't lie to make me feel better |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Jar in the Bar | So a man goes out to meet his buddies at a new bar. When he arrives, the first thing he sees is a giant glass jar in the far corner of the room, 7 feet by 6 feet, packed to the brim with $10 bills. He sits down and asks his buddies, "What's with the jar?" "No idea" responds his friend, so the man asks the bartender. In his thick Irish accent, "Ah, ye warnt a know bout the haus game does yer? That'll be $10." Annoyed but intrigued, the man pulls out a $10 and lays it on the bar, and the old man begins, "To win all the money in that there jar, I have a gallon jug of tequila ya hafta take all down at one go and not flinch or make a face," then he points to the back door, "I have a pit bull chained out back with an aching tooth ya gotta pull, but watch out, she's mean as a blarney so be careful, and at last, I gots a 90 year old lass upstairs, who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta go up there and make things right for her." The man stands, shakes his head as he returns the table. "I understand!" yells the bartender, "But yer $10 stays in the jar." So the guy get into a bit of a drinking session with his buddies, but can't stop thinking about the jar. If he could suck it up, just for one night, he could change his life. Finally, with enough liquid courage, he stumbles up the the bar and slams down a $10 bill. "Gimme the tequila." The bartender hands him the jug and he throws it back as hard as he can, throats burning, tears rolling down his face, he finishes every drop and slams it down, without making a face. The bartender points to the door, now the man staggers through the backdoor, and the barking ensues, trash cans are crashing, there's a loud scream then silence. "Awh geez says the bartender, they fuckin' killed each other." As he shoos the crowd back he gets to the door, the man bursts thru, shirt shredded, bloodied and bruised, he shouts, "Alright, now where's the old lady with the sore tooth?!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why is Trump so keen to stay with the queen in the UK? | He heard she has golden bathrooms and can't wait to try out the showers. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why don't women have dirty minds? | Because they're constantly changing them... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So if Trump doesn't like conversations with Turnbull and Australians don't like conversations with Turnbull, is Turnbull... | ... Malcolm in the middle? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | To all these people telling America n Americans to go fuck themselves | I think they already took care of that in November! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My secretary reminds me of my wife. | I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "remember, you have a wife." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A radio show holds a contest for the best local talent... | A gentleman walks into the studio with a mutt of a dog a couple days later and asks if he can audition. "Sure, whaddya got?", said the radio host. "My dog can talk.", the man replied. Skeptical, the host sits down and beckons the man to start. "OK boy! What is on top of a house?!" The dog barks, "ROOF!" The host rolls his eyes and sits back. "And what does sandpaper feel like?!" The dog barks, "RUFF!" The host stands up and shouts at the man, telling him he needs to take things seriously or get out. "OK, OK, just give us one more and I promise it'll be worth your time." the owner pleaded. The radio host falls back into his chair, his face in his hands as he mumbles, "Fine." "ALLRIGHT BOY! Who is the greatest baseball player in history?" "RUTH! RUTH!" The radio host jumps up. Red in the face, he screams at the dog owner until he leaves. The owner walks outside and shoots a disappointed glare at his dog. The dog hangs his head, looks back up, and says, "Do you think I should've said Mickey Mantle?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How much is a pound of brains worth? | What's the cost of a pound of physicists' brains? About $10.00 What about a pound of chemists' brains? Oh.... Around $100.00. Okay, so, what about a pound of philosophers' brains? $1,000,000.00. What? Seriously? Why? Oh, well, just think of how many philosophers you'd have to kill to get a pound of brains out of them. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump get's his wall. (long) | Trump, A Canadian and a Mexican, end up on a deserted island. While looking for supplies to survive Trump finds a Lantern, seeing the goldish colour of the lamp Trump rubs it. Summoning a Genie; The Genie announces that he will grant three wishes to all that have found his Island. Trump wishes first; "I want a wall, the best wall, all along our borders 50 feet... no 2000 feet tall, it is going to be the greatest wall, we should have the best wall, the biggest wall, it should be the biggest wall in history" The Genie looks at Trump and says, Granted. The Canadian Looks at the Mexican and says, "I want to know how high the wall is, and how strong it is" The genie says "The wall is 8000 meters tall, and strong enough to hold back an ocean." The Mexican smiles looking at the Canadian. "Fill it with water" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Marriage and Divorce | The boy and the Girl: Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long. Girl: You want me to leave? Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it. Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course. Lots! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No! Why are you asking me? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every time I get the chance! Girl: Will you ever hit me? Boy: Are you crazy? Of course not! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yes. Girl: Darling? Now read it bottom up. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man is shipwrecked on an island | A man is sailing off the coast of Australia when a storm hits. He ends up shipwrecked on a little island. There are just pastures and a few farms, so he goes up to one of the farms and asks if he can stay. A couple of grizzled old shepherds are there, and they give him lodging. The next day the shipwrecked man is bored as hell and asks what they do for fun around here. One of the shepherds says, "See all those sheep on the hills? We go out there and fuck 'em." "Seriously?" "Hey mate, don't knock it till you try it!" The visitor realizes he must have ended up in New Zealand and sulks off to his room to get away from the filthy Kiwis. The next day, he's so bored, he sneaks out to the pasture and starts fucking one of the ewes, whose bleats echo the hills. He's having such a good romp that he doesn't notice the two shepherds leaning against the fence. When he looks over, they burst out in laughter. He pulls his dick out of the sheep and calls out, "hey, what's so funny? I thought you said you fuck the sheep around here!" The shepherd gestures with his arm towards the ewe and, amidst his uproarious laughter, is barely able to sputter out, "Oi mate, not the ugly ones!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by tossing it in water?! | If it sinks... girl ant! If it floats... buoyant! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do melons always have big weddings? | Because they cantaloupe! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If Canadians say "Ay" and Mexicans say "Si"... | Why don't Americans say "B"? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut. | But if a guy does the same thing, then he's gay. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Mellinials today definitely have it easier than previous generations... | My grandfather had to cross the Atlantic to punch a Nazi. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD | Or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? | Michael Phelps can finish a race |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are the cars built by communists no good? | 'cause they're constantly Stalin! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My overdramatic girlfriend came up to me, balling her eyes out and confessed to having the most painful period she's ever had before | I looked her right in the face and said "stop ovary acting" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you know that my alcoholic friend only weighs two pounds? | Long story short, my bud light. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I want to fly | But gravity is such a let down |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do black people only have nightmares? | Because the last one who had a dream got shot. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went to a 4-year olds birthday party once, it was kinda awkward... | ...probably because I wasn't invited... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Guy puts candy bar in shirt | His dad always said to keep Twix up your sleeve. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two tribal men drag two criminals into the Chief's hut... | The Chief asked the first criminal, "You shall choose your punishment for your crimes! Choose!" "Death! Or Canyananga?" Criminal #1 thought: "Well, I don't want to die..." "Canyananga!" The Chief responded, "Very well. Bring in... Canyananga." An ugly, giant and beastly black man walked in, took Criminal #1 to the hut next to them and proceeded to horrendously rape him. The Chief turned to Criminal #2 and shouted, "Choose!" Criminal #2 quickly replied in horror, "Death! Please!" "Fine..." the Chief told him, "But first... Canyananga!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I got vagina in China, got some more in Singapore, got some booty in Djibouti | But I got gonorrhea in Korea. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... | ... but it's costing me a fortune in houses! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An elderly man is out playing golf with a friend... | An elderly man is out playing golf with a friend. During his turn, right before his swing, a funeral procession drives by along the border fence. The elderly man pauses, takes off his hat, and places it on his chest. As the procession drives along, the elderly mans friend stands just flabbergasted. Once the procession passes, the elderly man resumes setting up his swing. "Now hold on a second!" The elderly mans friend shouts, "That was quite a show of respect! I have never seen anything like it!" "Well, I had to do something." "Why's that?" Replied the elderly mans friend. "I was married to her for 40 years!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the console gamer cross the road? | To render the building |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Different movie | Wife comes home and whispers to her husband "let's have sex like in the movies" The husband quickly gets undressed strips his wife, puts her in her knees, face fucks her then bends her over and sticks it in her ass then cums all over her face. As the wife is shaking and wiping the cum from her face she says "yea we sure do watch different movies" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My all-time favorite joke: The Forgetful Couple | An elderly couple are sitting in the living room, and the old man gets up, and says "I'm going to the store to get myself a soda, do you want anything?" His wife says "I'd like an ice cream sundae. Here, I'll write it down for you so you don't forget--" "I'm not going to forget," he waves his hand at her dismissively. "Ice cream sundae." "With cherries and chopped nuts. You'll forget, I'm going to write it down for you." "Woman I'm not senile! I won't forget! Sundae with cherries and nuts." "And whipped cream. You're sure you won't forget all this? You forgot the last time. Please, I'll write it down so you won't forget." The old man gave an annoyed sigh and left the house. He returned and handed his wife a bag. "Here you go, I didn't forget." She looked inside the bag and found a toasted onion bagel. "Yes you did! I told you you would forget, and you did!" The old woman threw a fit. "You forgot the cream cheese!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I've always preferred management over human resources | I guess that's just a personnel preference |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's black and white and red all over | A penguin in a blender |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A husband and wife are getting their first baby scan | After a few minutes of silent scanning, the couple ask the doctor if anything is wrong. The doctor replies: On a positive note, your child will never struggle to find a parking space. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dead husband | A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?" Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct." The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?" "The old fool used an elastic rope!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a barnyard revolt? | A chicken coup. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man asks his wife if he can cum in her ear | She said "No, it'll make me go deaf" To which he replied "Really, I always cum in your mouth and you never shut the fuck up". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My friend told me of this fish... | My friend told me of this amazing kind of fish, he said it was impossible to catch! He said it broke the string on his rod! I've never seen it. I've fished for days and days... Nothing. You know? I'm starting to think that it's not reel. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I bought a Lottery ticket today | Sven: "Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today." Ollie: "It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36." Sven: "What are the odds?" Ollie: "29, 11, 35." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | We've had a horrible winter this year. | It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | After years of reflection | I've decided to stop selling mirrors |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between horses and women? | Horses shoes are practical |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hate when people ask me what I'm going to be doing in 3 years | Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If the last Wolverine movie is a cross country chase... | then why isn't it called Logan's Run? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You go to the bathroom Russian. You come out American. What are you while you're in the bathroom? | European. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school? | He's awake now! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | NSFW My SO asked me why I always make terrible puns and dad jokes | I told her, "it's just gentle ribbing, you know, for your pleasure" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why didn't barbie ever get pregnant? | Because Ken always came in another box. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? | A suicide vest gets something accomplished when triggered. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs? | None. "He fell". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the roman fighter who ate his mother in law? | Terrible indigestion but he was gladiator. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Where should children with ADHD be sent? | A Concentration Camp! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife asked if I will ever stop quoting Gangsta's Paradise | The way things are going I don't know |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The two villages were troubled. | They were constantly being forced to search for other places to fish in the river. There was a massive bear that paraded the shores on both sides and this made fishing difficult for both villages that lie on opposite sides of the river. Earlier there used to be a small pack of wolves that paraded the shores and now they were forced in the villages because of the bear. This posed a problem as they started attacking the livestock. The village elders decided to meet on the high bridge that connected them together to see who can help with this situation. When the elders met on the bridge, with all the other villagers in tow, they argued for an hour and didn't reach any conclusion. Then when all hope was about to be lost, Peter jumped from the bridge in the river. Having witnessed this the bear rushed to kill him. The villagers looked at this in awe from above. Peter somehow swims on the shore and smacks the head of the prancing bear with a large stone. The bear drops dead. Having witnessed that the bear is out of the way, the wolves run down and start attacking Peter. But one by one, Peter takes them all out. Having seen all this, the villagers start to celebrate as Peter comes to meet the elders. Everyone is congratulating him on his bravery but Peter looked unfazed by all this. One of the elders comes to him and says, "Peter, for this bravery, all of us have decided that we'll offer you something big, what do you want? A house? A really pretty wife? A field? You say it and we'll give it to you!!" To this Peter replies, "I only want one thing, I wanna know which motherf**er pushed me off the bridge!!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's got two wings and an arrow? | A Chinese telephone. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why is 17 referred to as the "Hot Cousin" in black jack? | Because you want to hit it but you'd probably bust and everyone be pissed at you. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Donkey Racing in Texas. | A Preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep so the preacher ended up buying a donkey. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. The donkey came in 3rd. The next Day the daily racing form carried the headline: **“Preachers Ass Shows”** The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again. This time he won. The form read: **“Preachers Ass Out in Front”** The Bishop was upset with this kind of publicity and he ordered the preacher not to enter his donkey in another race. The newspaper headline read: **“Bishop Scratches Preachers Ass”** This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a nearby convent. The newspaper headline read: **“Nun Has Best Ass in Town”** The Bishop fainted; He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the donkey for $10. The next day the newspaper headline read: **“Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks”** They buried the Bishop the next day. The final headline read: **“Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishops Death”** |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was reading Reddit at this Restaurant | When this guy at the table next to me started grabbing his chest and fell to the floor. The waitress yelled out "Does anyone know CPR??!!" "Well heck" I said, "I know the entire alphabet!" And everyone laughed and laughed. Well ... all except one guy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | This woman just caught me looking down her top. | I panicked so much I almost fell off the toilet seat. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I try not to comment about what is in the news but... | I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving his haters wrong time after time! Some people are just jealous of someone who is successful and has money. Throw in a hot foreign model at his side and they hate even more. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there's nothing you can do about it. I know its just going to get worse over the next several days, but like it or not, Tom Brady is in the Super Bowl. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? | Put it in the microwave until its bill withers. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend is like bread. | It's easy to get a rise out of her. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I LOVE ISIS | She's my favorite Egyptian god |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Politics | A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the circumference of a circle say to its diameter? | Want some pi? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Hey girl, are you an integral? | Because I want to substitute u for my x. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | And the Lord said onto John: "Come forth John and you will receive eternal life" | But John came 5th and won a toaster |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the pirate say when he turned 80? | Aye matey |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 secconds | Poor bastard |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Whats green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? | A pool table. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Women call me ugly untill they find out how much money i make | Then they call me ugly and poor |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My friend recently took up origami... | My friend recently took up origami, although he's not very good at making creases, and every time he messes up he gets angrier and angrier... Trust me, you wouldn't want to be there when it all unfolds... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Mexican finds a Genie Lamp along the beach... | He rubs it, and the genie bellows out. "Behold, mortal, and I will grant you one wish!" And so, the Mexican thinks hard, and finally replies, "I wish all of my people were at peace and at our homeland. And so, every Hispanic on the globe is suddenly teleported to Spain. After an hour passes, an Asian walks down the beach, and finds the lamp. Expectedly, He rubs it, and the genie bellows out. "Behold, mortal, and I will grant you one wish!" The Asian thinks hard, and finally replies, "I wish all of my people were at peace and at our homeland." And so, every Asian on the globe was suddenly transported to China, Japan, Korea, and surrounding countries. After another hour passes, an African walks along the same beach, and finds the lamp. As one can expect, He rubs it, and the genie bellows out. "Behold, mortal, and I will grant you one wish!" The African thinks hard, and finally replies, "I wish all of my people were at peace and at our homeland." And so, every African on the globe was transported to Africa. After another hour, a White person walks down the beach, and discovers the lamp. He rubs it, and the genie bellows out. "Behold, mortal, and I will grant you one wish!" The White, hearing of the other races disappearing, asked, "So the Mexicans have gone back to Mexico and Spain?" The genie simply replies,"Yes." The white continues, "And the Asians have gone back to Asia, and the Africans have gone back to Africa?" The genie once again replies with,"Yes, and Yes." So, the white being completely content, said, "Shoot, well I'll just have a Coke!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Remember, big brains are important... | but big muscles are importanter |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sex Doll | Do muslim sex dolls blow themselves up? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the Difference Between America and "Keeping Up With the Kardashians"? | I don't even know at this point... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A 10-year old boy heard some screaming and rustling coming from his parent's room... | Thinking there is something wrong, he rushes in and sees his dad sweating and panting, and his mom turning red with embarrassment. "What are you doing?" Asked the boy. "Playing poker." Replied the dad. "Oh, but what's mom doing here?" The dad thinks about it, and replies, "she's my wild card, and you have to have a wild card to play poker." Satisfied, he leaves the room. Halfway down the hall he hears similar screams and sounds coming from his grandparent's room, so he bursts in and sees his grandpa and grandma both naked and holding each other. "Now what are you doing?" Asked the boy. "I'm playing poker." Said the grandpa. "And what about grandma?" The grandpa thinks about it, and replies, "well, she's my wild card, and you have to have a wild card to play poker." The boy turns and goes back to his room... The house fills with screaming and groaning. The dad and grandpa run into the hallway and open the little boys room where the sounds are coming from. "What are you doing in here?!?!" Asked the dad. "I'm playing poker!" Said The boy. "But you need to have a wild card to play poker." Said the grandpa. The boy ponders on this and answers, "Not if you have a good hand." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The local police station got broke into today and they stole all the toilets... | The police have got nothing to go on |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Wife wanted. | A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What results when you cross a Hippo and a Crocodile? | Pretty sure you die. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A girl at work asks if I think she's a 10... | I said "you're an 11." "Aww really?" she says with a huge smile. I said "yeah , you've got a great personality as well and that adds at least 10 points." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A nun asks another | What would you do if someone with bad intentions gets ahold of you? Nun: I would lift up my dress Other Nun: Oh my! What would you do then? Nun: I would ask him to put his pants down Other Nun: Wow. I didn't expect this from you. What would you do after? Nun: I would run away. I bet I can run faster lifting my skirt than he can with his pants down. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy and a girl go on a first date. | They go to the carnival that is in town. The guy asks her, what's the first thing you want to do? She says to get weighed. He's says alright let's go, takes her to the carny that that will guess her weight. The carny guesses 108lbs, she says he's wrong that she's 112lbs. So she gets to pick out a stuffy. So the guy asks her, now what would you like to do? She replies, get weighed. He thinks to himself that's odd but ok, proceeds to take her to the weigh booth again. The carny guesses her weight at 112lbs. No stuffy for her. He then asks her, now what do you want do? She replies again, get weighed. He figures this chick is crazy and this date is going no where so he calls it a night, drives her home and tells her this just won't work. The girl walks into her apartment and her roommate asks her, how did the date go? She replies, wousy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do oysters get around? | In mussel cars. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I've got a part time job making rubberised computer keyboards. | They offer flexible shifts. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A tragic case of malpractice and injustice | So this unfortunate fellow comes down with gangrene and goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that the leg will have to be removed. After the operation the man wakes up and to his horror the doctor had amputated the wrong leg. Of course the doctor had to go back in immediately and take off the correct leg. Months later the malpractice case was brought to court but the judge threw it out immediately as the plaintiff didn't have a leg to stand on. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition? | I don't know, it was countless |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Finally, i can play Golf in peace. | A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well...we were married for 35 years.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a soup bowl from Krypton?! | Well ... *a kryptonian soup bowl*, obviously. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump hosts Putin for a state dinner at The White House | When a guest asks "Mr. President, what have the two of you been discussing all day?", to which Trump responds "Planning World War 3." The guest asks "What will that be like?" Trump: "We're going to kill 4 million muslims and one dentists." The guest appears confued and asks "But why one dentist?", when Putin leans over, slaps Trump on the shoulder and says: "See Donald, what did I tell you - no one will ask about the Muslims." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Beyonce Pregnant With Twins, Names Already Chosen | Red and Yellow |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When I was born my father said "Now I'm certain I want two children!" | I was the third. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I wasn't sure about how to ask the love of my life to marry me | So, I decided to ask her husband for advice. |
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