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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between Karl Marx and Donald Trump? | Trump only advocates the seizing of a *woman's* means of production |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I tried to rob a bank using jello cast in the shape of a gun | The police charged me with carrying a congealed weapon |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Some people worry drinking in the shower is a sign of alcoholism | I just worry about keeping the water out of my beer |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Marriage is like blackjack | Marriage is like blackjack. You can either hit or stay, but you can't do both |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two firefighters | Two firefighters are butt fucking in a smoke filled room. The chief walks in and yells,"what the fuck is going on in here?" The one firefighter says," he was suffering from smoke inhalation." So the fire chief asks," why didn't you try mouth to mouth?" The firefighter says," how the hell do you think this got started!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A zebra dies and goes to heaven | The zebra meets God and asks him the one true question that he's been wondering his whole life. "God, am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes?" God responds, "You are who you are." It was then that the zebra knew he was white with black stripes. If he was black with white stripes, God would have told him, "You is who you is." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the Frenchman put snails in his gas tank? | To make escargot. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Polak, an American, and a Russian all die and go to hell | At the gates of hell, the devil tells them that they all weren't really bad people in life, and so if they can impress him, he'll let them go to heaven. He puts each of them alone in a windowless, furniture-less, completely empty cinderblock room, and gives them two small steel balls. He tells each of them "you have one hour. If you can do something with these here balls that impresses me, you can go to heaven. So an hour goes by, and he checks on the Russian first. "What have you done to impress me with these balls?" He asks. He finds one ball in the middle of the room and one in the corner. "You can't be serious! Off to hell you go" he says. Next he goes to the American. He finds finds the American balanced one ball perfectly on top of the other. "Now that's pretty cool. But I'm still not impressed. Off to hell for you too". Finally he comes to the Polak's room. "What have you done with the balls to impress me?" He asks. The Polak replies "Forgive me pan lucifer, I broke one and lost the other". The devil is so impressed that he managed to break a steel ball and lose one in a completely empty room that he lets him o to heaven. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Little Matt is doing his math homework ... | Little Matt is doing his math homework, with his dad watching the news, not far away in the living room. “2 plus 3, the son of bitch is 5”. His dad thinks he misheard, so he doesn’t say anything. His son, very applied, goes on with his questions sheet. “4 plus 5, the son of bitch is 9”. His dad is definitely sure of what he just heard, but as he’s ready to ask, little Matt answers the next: “1 plus 6, the son of bitch is 7”. - “Matt, stop! What’s going on there?” - “Nothing dad, just doing my homework” - “Yeah, but what did you just say?” - “I said, ‘the son of bitch is’, as the teacher taught us, dad” His father is livid. He won't allow cursing in his house. He calls little Matt’s teacher and has Matt repeat how he does math. The teacher laughs and tells the father “I see! When I give them an example on the board, I say ‘1 plus 1, the sum of which is 2”. The father, confused, replied “anyway, thanks for letting me know. But I am still wondering where this little son of a bitch got that type of language from.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee... | The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It's a medical breakthrough! | An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver put it into another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work." The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took a part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. About a week ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him our President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What are the two most important holes in a womans body? | No!! Not them you dirty bastards!!!! Its her nostrils...they allow her to breathe while she's sucking your dick. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There's a rumor going around that someone in my group of friends is gay... | I hope it's Josh, he's pretty cute. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm thinking about moving to Switzerland... | For a couple of reasons, but their flag is a big plus. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of table is good for your health? | A vegetable! This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece! It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How does Princess Leia like her showers? | Lukewarm. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I haven't lost my virginity yet... | Because i never lose |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Little Johnnie and Uncle Ron's morals. | Little Johnnie was in his 4th grade class one day when his teacher gave them an assignment. "Okay kids, tonight you have a homework assignment, go home and ask your families to tell you a story that has a moral", the teacher said. The next day little Johnnie is sitting in class when he was called upon to share his moral. "Do you have a story Johnnie?", she asked. "Yes ma'am", he replied. "My Uncle Ron told me a story of when he was in the war. He said he was in a chopper on the way to an evac zone when the chopper pilot was shot and wounded. As the chopper went down Uncle Ron found a case of whiskey and started drinking. When the chopper landed a platoon of enemy soldiers came out of the tree line and started attacking! Uncle Ron finished the last bottle of whiskey, jumped out of the chopper and killed half of the platoon with his rifle in a long heated battle. When he ran out of ammo he charged in head first and beat the other half of the platoon to death with his bare hands! He then loaded the wounded in the chopper and jumped in the pilot's seat, with no training whatsoever he flew the chopper out of the area and to safety!" "Oh, uhhh, oh my." She said noticeably flustered. "Well, is the moral of the story how in the face of great adversity people can overcome anything?" Little Johnnie replied, "Face of gre... no, the moral of the story is don't fuck with Uncle Ron when he's been drinking." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. | You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the new tax law Trump has issued? | I don't know much about it but it seems tariff-eyeing. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | TIFU by accidentally giving my girlfriend my sandwich that had extra cheese when she's lactose intolerant | Whoops, wrong sub. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the number 0 say to the number 8? | "Nice belt." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair | But I knew she'd come crawling back to me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Where do Christians go after throwing up? | Heave'in |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a homeless horse? | Unstable. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did a banana go to the doctor? | because he wasnt.. peeling well hahahah (ill find the door) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call the hair on a cows lip? | A Moo-stache. > The perks of having too much free time in a call center. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend often accuses me of telling sexist, condescending jokes that target women. | I've explained to her those jokes are actually ironic jabs at the current state of post-modern feminism, designed to highlight societal double standards across genders. So she needn't worry her pretty little head about it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is Snoop's favorite contraction? | We'd |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Difference between twins | I've fucked a set of twins. People have asked me how hard it was to tell them apart, but it was actually quite easy. You see, Caroline was a redhead with an amazing pair of tits, And frank had a cock. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime. | Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby. | The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try. He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later with a few claw swipes across his face and hands, and tells the other two, "I read from the Catechism, and the bear seemed to enjoy that, but when I sprinkled him with holy water, he tried to maul me, and I ran!" The Protestant minister is the second to go, and he's gone all evening, meeting his friends the next afternoon, with a bandage around his head and a broken leg. He says to them, "I found the bear by the river, and I preached to him from God's holy word, and he was as gentle as a lamb, until I tried to baptize him in the river; he nearly bit my head off and I had to bolt for my life!" Lastly went the Jewish Rabbi, off into the woods. His friends hear nothing from him for two days, until they receive the word that he's in hospital. They rush over to find him in the ICU, a cast covering most of his body, and vicious wounds all over the rest of him. They frantically ask him what happened, and between laboured breaths through the ventilator, he mutters, "You know, thinking about it, I probably shouldn't've opened with the circumcision.." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Rumor has it there's a basketball court on the roof of the Supreme Court building. | It's the highest court in the land. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is the difference between me and trash? | Nobody takes me out |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I didn't know what to get my mother for Christmas | I turned to my colleagues and asked what I should get for her when my boss says "Get her some slippers and a dildo, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and fuck herself" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went to the doctors about my hearing.. | I went to the doctors about my hearing and the doctors asked me "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Yeah, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. | You have my Word. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. | The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A couple of years ago I was about to propose to my girlfriend... | A couple of years ago I was about to propose to my girlfriend when all of a sudden my friend Joseph came barging through the door, tripping directly upon my glass coffee table, broken glass all over his face. This completely ruined the mood. Now I haven't known Joe for very long at this point, hell I didn't even know where he was from, but this put my romantic plans on hold while we helped him through his injuries. Joseph had got glass in his left eye, rendering the eye completely useless. He had to walk around for months with one of those cotton patches on while it healed. Then out of nowhere this bastard just disappeared... With my girlfriend! Apparently through his struggling time after the injuries, they had became very close, they left me behind without as much as even a single note. I tried tracking them down through out the years but I've had no such luck. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Where do dogs go when they lose their tail? | To the retail store |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar | I was charged with child molassation |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Noticing a woman sitting alone at a table in a bar... | .. a man goes over to chat with her. After talking to her for a while he makes his move. "Stop!" says the woman as the man tries to kiss her. "I'm sorry but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I truly love." "Wow", says the man, "that must be difficult." "It's not too bad", replied the woman. "My husband's quite upset though." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I told my teacher to tell a joke | He said "Want me to announce your grades?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Holmes and Watson were investigating a murder at an archaeological dig-site | Holmes picks up several of the rocks and pebbles surrounding the murder victim. After a while, Holmes turns to his companion and says "I've cracked the case. The suspect was clearly murdered with a blow to the head by a rock, which then crumbled and scattered into pieces." "How on Earth can you tell?" exclaims Watson. "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm not addicted to drinking brake fluid.... | I can stop any time I want. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two silk worms are in a wrestling match | It ended in a tie. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life" | They are darn right, that field isn't hiring! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My grandfather had a heart of a lion... | and also a lifetime ban from the zoo. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I used to have a pet leech. | It was attached to me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I have one advice to the people of /r/NoFap | Go fuck yourself. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A World Wide Survey.... | A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The programmer and the train | A programmer and his boss are traveling by train on a business trip, and not having any other place to sit, find a booth with a pretty young lady and presumably her mother sitting across from them. The train enters a dark tunnel and two sounds ring clearly in the dark: one being the sound of a kiss and second being an unmistakable slap across the face. As the train exits the tunnel, the following thoughts entered the minds of the four passengers: Boss: "I never figured my employee to be so brash to kiss someone on the train like that. Not that I care much, except I wish the the young lady hadn't accidentally slapped me instead of him." Young lady: "Wow, I hardly expected to be kissed like that, though I wish my mother hadn't overreacted like that." Mother: "How rude of that young man to kiss my daughter, though she didn't have *slap* the poor soul..." Programmer: "It's not every day that one can slap his boss and kiss a pretty young lady. Life is good." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What would Reddit do for a Klondike bar? | OP's mom. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Moses doesn't mind period sex. | He's used to being in the red sea. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 2 original jokes | Here's 2 (bad) jokes I made up a few years ago. With all the reposts on here some new ones might be nice even if they are bad! 1. What do you call a long snake-like poo? A Poothon 2. A family of poothons were floating down a river. The son poothon asks his mother "dad told me that we're just a by-product of the human digestive system, is that true?" The mother replies "don't listen to him, he's just talking shit!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device. | You could say I killed two birds with one drone! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are seagulls called seagulls? | Because, if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What type of joke is the best joke? | A Communist joke, because everyone gets it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? | Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice | Must be why I'm an only child Edit: First time on front page thanks guys! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A priest had a speaking parrot | One night when the priest went on vacation a burglar broke into his house. Trying to be as sneaky as possible he didn't used his flashlight. Suddenly he heard a voice say:" Jesus sees you!" He quickly turned on his flashlight and looked around. When he saw the parrot the parrot again said:" Jesus sees you!" The burglar asked the parrot:" Who are you little Buddy?" The parrot answered:" I'm Josef." The burglar laughed:" What idiot names his parrot Josef?" The parrot answered:" The same Idiot who named his pitbull Jesus." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The CIA, GIGN and KGB...... | are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy wanted a bigger dick.. | A guy wanted a bigger dick and so he look around online for ways to get one. After a few hours of vigorous "searching", he found one. A guru that lived at the top of a mountain. So, excited at the chance of getting a big-ass dick, he set out. When he reached the base of the mountain, he saw a river that seemed to lead to the top, so he followed it. After reaching what seemed like the halfway point, he came across 2 gigantic rocks. They were blocking the path of the river. Determined to get a big one, he searched around for ways to get to the top, which he found in the form of a conveniently placed rope that went up to a cave. He climbed it and reached a shrine. Next to the shrine was a guru, meditating. He asked the guru," I heard you know how to get a bigger dick" "Drink from the bottle beside the idol." The guy drunk from it. Immediately, his dick got 7 inches bigger and his nuts became the size of a grapefruit. He, shocked, asked the guru," If you know this technique, why cant I see a bulge in your dhoti?" "The rope you climbed, that was my dick, and those rock, they were mine" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I like going for a jog at night | The fear of getting murdered really helps my stamina. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | They say you can’t get a decent job without education. | But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two hunters were out in the woods | Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Despair. | What a Jamaican gets when he's bowling. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me. | She was lack-toes intolerant. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A teacher reminds her class for tomorrow's exam | A teacher reminds her class of the yearly test tomorrow. "And remember class, there is no excuse for missing the test tomorrow, not a hurricane, not a funeral, not a nuclear attack, nothing!" Little Johnny in the corner then pipes up and says "What would happen if I came into class suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion? The whole class bursts into laughter. The teacher walks up to Johnny and smiles and says "I'd guess you'd have to write the test left-handed." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Lauren was lying in bed | One night when she felt her husband's hand caressing her neck in a way she hadn't experienced in quite a while. Then it slid down her side, stopping at her knee, which was as far as her husband could reach. Then he moved close and did the same on her other side before abruptly stopping and moving away. Delighted by this unexpected attention, Lauren whispered, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" He answered, ''I found the remote." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring | There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar | The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Can’t believe how much my girlfriend is crying about her new haircut | Its much worse for me, I’m the one who’s gonna have to find a new girlfriend now. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera? | Phil Ming |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | what do you call gangster spaghetti | spaghetto |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a magic dog? | A labracadabrador |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West | A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common? | They both have to smell it but neither of them gets to eat it. :( |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business | The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a white bear that can't push? | A polar bear. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If I had a dollar for every time a woman didn't show interest in me | They'd probably eventually show interest in me |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two elephants were watching a naked man... | One elephant turned and asked the other, "How the hell does he eat with that thing!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game,... | looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?" "Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Old guy buys a new sports car..... | And right after he leaves the salesroom, he floors the gas pedal making him zip in the road. He notices that a police car, with it's siren blaring so he really puts the pedal to the max. While in hot pursuit, he realizes that he's too old for this. So he pulls over, waiting for the cop to catch up to him. The cop finally approaches him, and tells him "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. It's C Christmas. If you can give me a good reason that you did this, i'll let you go." The man explained that his wife, many years ago she ran off for a policeman. i thought you were bringing her back. "Have a good day sir" Said the cop. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Who's Going to Pay For the Wall? | Mexico Mexic Mexi Mex Me |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A driver is pulled over by a policeman.... | The policeman approaches the drivers door. "Is there a problem, Officer?" The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?" The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving." The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?" "She's in the boot if you want to see." The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?" The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Went for a walk with the missus last night... | There's a beautiful spot on top of the hill not so far from here, on the way whilst walking down a quiet path she turned to me and said, "Give it to me, give it to me, I'm wet". I stopped for a second and looked around, and then it dawned upon me "No fuck off, it's my umbrella". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If two people having sex is called a twosome..... | Then now i know why they call you handsome ;) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man looking for his wife... | The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So this guy works at a pickle factory... | Every day, he comes home after work and tells his wife about his day. One day, he comes home and tells her he has a very dark fantasy. He says, "I want to put my dick in the pickle slicer." His wife is shocked, and encourages him not to do it, but the next day the man comes home with a sick grin on his face. His wife says, "Please tell me you didn't do it!" The man keeps grinning. His wife takes off his pants to assess the damage, but everything is as it should be. The wife is confused. The man keeps grinning. He says, "I did it, I put my dick in the pickle slicer, and she wants to do it again this weekend." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man went into a bar and sat infront of a bowl of pretzels... | "You have some very nice clothes" said the bowl of pretzels. The man thinking he was hallucinating, ignored the bowl and called the waiter and ordered a margarita. "Nice choice good sir" said the bowl of pretzels. The man once again thinking he was hallucinating ignored the bowl of pretzels. On recieving his drink he gave the waiter a dollar as thanks. "You are quite generous my good sir" said the bowl of pretzels. The man startled called the waiter, "I thought I was hallucinating, but that bowl of pretzels infringement of me is complimenting me" said the man to the waiter. The waiter nodded before saying, "Don't worry sir, the bowl of pretzels are complimentary!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A handful of foreign-exchange students are in the classroom | ... and they were asked their opinion on food scarcity in other countries. The discussion was a complete disaster. The Somali kids didn't know the English word "food", the British kids didn't know what "scarcity" meant, the American kids didn't know what "other countries" were, and the Chinese students asked what "their opinion" should be. Source: Not mine, I just hadn't seen this one on /r/jokes at least in a while. Can haz less-stale repost? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Bad taste | Did you hear Donald Trump is putting a ban on telecommunications from the middle east! It's called the Teleban. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore... | She was busted for conch-traband. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call Batman when he skips out on church? | Christian Bale |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | On His Deathbed | On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” said his friend. “For your entire life you’re been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now?” “Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My doctor told me I need fewer trans fats in my life... | Looks like it's time to delete Tumblr. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | New president of a country is handed 3 envelopes by the previous leader. | President of a country is handed 3 numbered envelopes by the previous leader. Previous leader says "If you screw anything up, then open one of the envelopes and it will tell you what to do." Eventually, over time, the president screws some things up. Everyone gets mad at him and threatens to impeach him. So he opens the Envelope #1. It says "Blame everything on me, your predecessor." So he does that and eventually is forgiven. But then, as time goes on, the president screws up again. He doesn't know what to do. So he opens up Envelope #2. It says "Blame everything on me again." So, in time, the people forgive him again. But then, as time goes on, the president screws things up yet a 3rd time. He doesn't know what to do. Relieved that he still has one envelope left, he opens it up. It says "Prepare 3 envelopes." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm furious! racist tech support just called me asian | All I said was my drivers keep crashing |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the German man who was up to no good? | I heard he has a severe guten allergy. |
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