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fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_02x03

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_02x03_0

Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the sofa, using his laptop. He is wearing a headset. Sheldon: Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Axel's fortress. Now this is a long run, so let's do another bladder check. Alright Barry, we'll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor. (There is banging at the door.) Sheldor is AFK. (Goes out to find Penny having trouble getting into her apartment.) Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty? Penny: Yes, I can't get my stupid door open. Sheldon: You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that? Penny: Yeah! Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.) Penny: Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit. Sheldon: Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly? Penny: I can't get the damned key out. Sheldon: Well that's not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system. Penny: Thankyou, Sheldon. Sheldon: You're welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock? Penny: Why? I'll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean? Sheldon: Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure.... Penny: I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven't got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven't gotten a raise at work, haven't even had s*x in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it. Sheldon: Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they're almost pure protein. Penny (picking up the bag she has just repacked, whereupon the bottom falls out and the groceries fall to the floor again): Oh, sonofabitch! Sheldon: I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you. Penny: I did, and he said he'll get here when he gets here. Sheldon: And you're frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology? Penny: No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly. (Bursts into tears.) Sheldon: There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment? Penny: No Sheldon, I'd rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three year-old. Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to go inside again.) Penny: For God's sake! (Stomps into apartment.) Sheldon: Just when I think I've gotten the hang of sarcasm. Credits sequence. Scene: Inside the apartment. Sheldon: Make yourself comfortable. (Sits in Sheldon's place.) Not there. (Sits on other end of sofa. Puts feet on table. Sheldon looks disapprovingly. Removes feet from table. Sheldon sits and replaces headset.) Sheldor is back online. Penny: Sheldor? Sheldon: The Conqueror. Penny: What are you doing? Sheldon: AFK. I'm playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian. Penny: Oh. Sheldon: Sheldor, back online. Penny: What's AFK? Sheldon: AFK. Away from keyboard. Penny: OIC. Sheldon: What does that stand for? Penny: Oh, I see? Sheldon: Yes, but what does it stand for? Scene: The stairwell. Leonard arrives and sees the spilled groceries. A cat is lapping at a spilled pot of ice-cream. Cut to inside. Penny now has the laptop, Sheldon is instructing her. Sheldon: Now just click on the enchanted boots to put them on. Penny: Oh, I don't know. Can I see them in another colour? Sheldon: Just click on them. Congratulations, you are now a level three warrior. Leonard: What's going on? Penny: Leonard, guess what, I'm a level three warrior. Leonard: Great, you know there are groceries outside of your apartment? Penny: Yeah yeah yeah, shhh! Leonard: I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it's starting to attract wildlife. Penny: Uh-huh, yeah, do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach? Sheldon: It doesn't matter, right now you're looking for treasure. Penny: Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going? Sheldon: You're okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots. Leonard: Want to catch me up? Sheldon: Well let's see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn't had s*x in six months, and she ate a fly. Leonard: Uh-huh. Seriously, six months? Penny: Oh my God, a treasure chest, I'm rich! Sheldon: Level three and she thinks she's rich! What a noob. Scene: The apartment. Raj is pouring a white liquid into the main dish of a stereo speaker covered in cling film. Raj: Okay, we're all set. Howard: Let her rip. (Leonard turns on stereo with a remote. Rhythmic bass-heavy music plays. The liquid begins dancing on the speaker.) Penny (entering, carrying a laptop): Hi! Leonard: Hey, check it out, it's just corn starch and water. Sheldon: They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but solid under the percussive action of the speaker. Howard: That's what makes it get all funky. Penny: Yeah, okay. Listen, I need to talk to Sheldon. Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): No, that's what she said, Sheldon. Penny: Okay, look, I bought the game, and I've been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can't figure out how to get past the guard captain. Sheldon: Do you have the enchanted sword? Penny: No, no, I've a bronze dagger. Sheldon: You can't slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it's like the car key in your apartment door all over again. Penny: Alright, alright, how do I get the sword? Sheldon: Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra? Penny: Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it? Sheldon: No, no, no, it's... oh for God's sakes, gimme. (Takes laptop.) Penny: Thank you, I really appreciate this. Sheldon: You're going to have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny. Penny: Don't patronise me, just get the sword. Howard: What the frak? Leonard: Beats me. They were playing all last night too. Raj: It's like some kind of weird comic book crossover. Howard: Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty. Raj: I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian? Leonard: No, that's Marcie. Peppermint Patty's just athletic. Sheldon: There you go, one enchanted sword. Penny: Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to kill the guard captain. (Leaves). Sheldon: That girl needs to get a life. Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. There is a knock on the door. Penny enters. Penny (whispering): Sheldon. (Sing-song) Shel-don. Sheldon: Danger, danger. Penny: No danger, look, it's just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right? Sheldon: You're in my bedroom. Penny: Yeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key. Sheldon: People can't be in my bedroom. Penny: Okay, well can we go talk in the living room? Sheldon: I'm not wearing pyjama bottoms. Penny: Why not? Sheldon: I spilled grape juice. Penny: Well, wear different pyjamas. Sheldon: I can't wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom. Penny: Okay, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle? Sheldon: You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle? Penny: Yeah, yeah, by some guys in Budapest, I'm just not sure it's the right move for my character. Sheldon: Of course it's not, you're only a level 25, the Hungarians are just using you for dragon fodder. Penny: Really? Boy, you'd think you could trust a horde of Hungarian barbarians. Cut to Leonard, exiting his bedroom. Sheldon (off): Please Penny, enough, I have to sleep. Penny (off): Okay, well you were great, thanks. (Comes out door) Oh, hey Leonard, listen, don't got in Sheldon's room, he's not wearing bottoms. Leonard (knocking on door): Sheldon, you want to catch me up again? Scene: Dr Gablehauser's office. Sheldon and Leslie are standing across the desk. Gablehauser: People, I am very busy today. Sheldon: I realise that Dr Gablehauser but it is your job, as head of the department, to mediate all inter-departmental disputes. University policy manual chapter four, subsection two, mediation of inter-departmental disputes. Gablehauser: Fine. Dr Winkle, what colourful name did you call Dr Cooper this time? Leslie: Dr Dumbass. Gablehauser: Dr Cooper, Dr Winkle apologises. Sheldon: No she doesn't. Leslie: No I don't. Sheldon: Here's the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall. Leslie: It wasn't even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months. Sheldon: If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny! Gablehauser: You need to get that Dr Cooper? Sheldon: God, no. Leslie: Well don't turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you've been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year. Sheldon: Oh yeah, well, you wouldn't even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she's doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock... Gablehauser (as phone rings): Excuse me. Gablehauser. (Holding phone out to Sheldon) It's for you. Sheldon: Hello. Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, you're not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five for that quest, and one should be a level 35 healer. Penny, I can't log on and help you. We'll talk when I get home. (Puts phone down) I'm not getting the computing time, am I? Leslie: Dumbass. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters. Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too. Leonard: Why should I do something, you're the one who introduced her to online gaming. Sheldon: Well, yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening. Leonard: Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone. Sheldon: I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don't know what else to do. Leonard: Well, what am I supposed to do? Sheldon: I don't know, but if you don't figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with. Leonard: You mean, up until now we've been experiencing the happy funtime Sheldon? Sheldon: Yes. Leonard: I'll go talk to her. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Penny's apartment. She is on her laptop and talking into a headset. Penny: No, Fritz, I need you on my flank. No, I don't know German. Flankenzie, flankenzie! Leonard (knocking and entering): Hey Penny. Penny: Busy. Leonard: Yeah, I see that. Shouldn't you be at work? Penny: I don't work on Mondays. Leonard: It's Thursday. Listen, Penny. Penny: Uh, Queen Penelope AFK. What? Leonard: Okay, um, here's the thing, um, sometimes people, good people, you know, they start playing these games and they find themselves through no fault of their own, you know, kind of, addicted. Penny: Yeah, get to the point, I'm about to level up here. Leonard: Well, i-i-i-it's just if a person doesn't have a sense of achievement in their real life it's easy to lose themselves in a virtual world where they get a false sense of accomplishment. Penny: Yeah, jabber jabber jabber, okay boys, Queen Penelope's back online. Leonard: Penny, you've got cheetos in your hair. Penny (pulling cheeto out of hair): Oh, thanks. (Eats it.) Leonard: Wow. Scene: Same - later. Penny is attacking a multi-headed monster with a sword on the screen.A muscular warrior in a cape walks onto the screen. Warrior: Hey Penny, it's me again, Leonard. Penny- warrior: Leonard, I said not now. Leonard-warrior: Yeah, I know, I'm just a little concerned about you. Penny-warrior: I said not now. (Chops off his head.) Leonard-warrior's head: Okay, maybe later. Scene: The university lunch room. Raj: Hey guys. Leonard and Howard: Hey. Raj (indicating Sheldon): Hey, what's with him? Leonard: Penny's been keeping him up at night. Howard: Me too. But probably in a different way. Leonard: She's gotten really hooked on Age of Conan, she's playing non-stop. Raj: Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There's nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back. Leonard: Sheldon, wake up. Sheldon: Danger, danger. Leslie (arriving): Afternoon men. Sheldon. Sheldon: Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males.... oh, I'm too tired to do this. Leslie: Right, I heard you've been pulling all nighters with middle-earth Barbie. Sheldon: She comes into my room. No-one's supposed to be in my room. Leslie: Well, I would postulate that she's escaping into the online world to compensate for her sexual frustration. Howard: I do that too. But probably in a different way. Leonard: That's not what she's doing, Leslie, she's just trying to shore up her self esteem, it has nothing to do with s*x. Leslie: Everything has to do with s*x. Howard: Mmmm, testify. (Puts up hand for a handslap.) Leslie: I'm not touching that. Leonard: Leslie, you are way off base here. Sheldon: Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness. Leslie: Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some. Sheldon: Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse. Howard: I'll take the bullet. Leonard: Excuse me, this whole idea is insane. Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I'm going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship? Man: No. Sheldon: Would you like to be? Man: Uh, sure, why not? Leonard: Sheldon... Sheldon: Zip it pip it. Can I have your phone number? Man: Uh... (checks out Sheldon's package) Yeah, yeah. (Pulls out pen and writes it on Sheldon's hand.) Sheldon: There, problem solved. Leslie: Dumbass. Scene: Penny's flat. Penny is on her laptop. Everything around her is littered with empty food packaging and red bull cans. She burps loudly. Sheldon is sitting on the sofa. Penny: Okay, I'm at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients, I'm going in. Sheldon: Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies. Penny: Got it. Sheldon: I must say, you're playing very well for a woman of 23? Penny: 22. Sheldon: Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.) Penny: Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance? Sheldon: What happened to the rest of your group? Penny: I dumped them, they're a bunch of wussies. Sheldon: Frenzy stance. Penny: Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy! Sheldon: So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book? Penny: What? Sheldon: These are market research questions. I'm filling out the online registration for your game. Penny: Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn't working, die you undead mummy, die! Sheldon: Drink a healing potion. Penny: Thank you. Sheldon: You're welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin? Penny: That's on the registration? Sheldon: Oh yes, it's quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests. Penny: Ooh, awesome, okay, I totally like to initiate I'm a big old five. Sheldon: Good to know. Big old five. Scene: The apartment. Leonard enters. There is a strange man sitting on the sofa. Leonard: Hello. Man: Hi. Sheldon: Leonard, this is Tom. Leonard: Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn't I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria? Sheldon: Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny. Leonard: Chosen by science? Sheldon: Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum. Leonard: You got Penny to sign up for online dating? Sheldon: No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit. Leonard: This is bad. Sheldon: Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he's going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate s*x. Leonard: Really, really bad. Sheldon: I'm surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she's a big old five. Penny (entering, looking ratty in baggy clothes and with her hair unwashed): Sheldon, what do you want. Sheldon: Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I'd like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny. Tom: Hi Penny. Penny: Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as I'm here, I'm on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don't know what they're doing, we've got one assassin, three spellcasters and no tank. Sheldon: Can we talk about this later. Penny: No, no, no, no, I need you now. Sheldon: But wouldn't you prefer to socialise with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman. Penny: Whatever, I'll figure it out myself. Tom: Bye, Penny. I'm sorry, dude, she didn't look anything like her picture. Leonard: They never do. Scene: Inside the game. Penny-warrior is standing next to a battle horse. Warrior: Hello, fair Penny. Penny-warrior: Who are you? Warrior: It is I, Sir Howard of Wolowitz. Can I interest you in an afternoon of spirited questing, followed by a flagon of ale at yon virtual tavern? Penny-warrior: Yeah, sure, why not? Penny: Oh my God, I need help. (Closes laptop and throws it away.) FADE TO BLACK

Sheldon lets Penny wait for the locksmith in his apartment after she accidentally locks herself out. Penny, frustrated at making no progress in her acting career and not having had sex for six months, becomes curious on seeing Sheldon play Age of Conan. He helps Penny get started; she buys the game and soon succumbs to video game addiction, annoying Sheldon by persistently asking him for game tips night and day. In desperation he asks Leonard for help, who tries to talk with her in her apartment, but she practically ignores him. Leonard then tries approaching her character within the game, but she merely beheads his character. After listening to Leslie in the Caltech canteen, Sheldon is convinced that Penny needs to have sex to relieve her stress and restore her regular life. Sheldon attempts to fix Penny a date with the aid of an online dating service, but fails. In the end, Penny is horrified to realize she has accepted a virtual date with Howard, and promptly stops playing, thus overcoming her addiction.

fd_Open_Heart_01x01

fd_Open_Heart_01x01_0

Drew: (Quietly) Go go go! Hurry up with the lock... Alex: Hold it steady. Teddy: Maybe shine the light in my bag not my eyes, genius. I can't see anything! Rayna: Our point! Dylan, looks like he's gonna do something crazy! Yo! Drew: Better hurry up, dude! Teddy: I got it! I got it! Move, move, move! Get out of my way! Rayna: Dylan don't! (Glass shatters, alarm blares loudly) Teddy: Great. (Door handle clicks) You know, my plan was to get us in without tripping the alarm. Dylan: Well, sometimes alarms get tripped. Alex: Maybe if you had just picked the lock... Drew: Yeah, instead of buying it dinner first. Teddy: We should bail. Dylan: Give me the list. (Buttons beep, alarm stops) Alex: Whoa! Ha ha! (Phone rings) Teddy: Oh great. Do you know who this is? The monitoring station! Now what, genius? Dylan: Give me the phone! Give me the phone! Um, okay. (Phone beeps on) Hi, yes, this is about the alarm, isn't it? I am so sorry, my son broke the window with the fireplace poker. Yes, the security code is 5983. The security question? Paternal grandfather's birthday. Right. Teddy: Let's bail! Dylan: Um, is this necessary... I mean, I... no, no, no. It's fine don't send anybody. It's... Um... it's December 13th. (Quietly) Please, please, please! Dylan: Yes... I see... Thank you. (Beeps phone off) We're in. All: Yes! Whooo! (Laughing) [SCENE_BREAK] Dylan: Easy, Rayna! Maybe cool it on the fun pills. (Playfully laughing) Rayna: Where would we be without our Dylan looking out for us? Dylan: Oh, hm-hm. (Rayna giggles) Dylan: Okay, sweetie! Teddy: What, are you allergic to fun? Dylan: Go break something, Teddy. Rayna: Oh! Teddy: You smell like jager. Rayna: Ow! (Glass shatters) Rayna! Oh my God! Teddy: Oh man, she's bleeding... She's hit an artery or something! Teddy call 911! Alex: I'm outta here! Teddy: Yeah! Guys, seriously? We have to help her! Look, I'm sorry! If I get charged, my dad will kill me. I'm sorry. Let the music take control Turn it up and let it goooooooooooo! Dylan: Somebody help me! Jane: I need a gurney! What did she take? Dylan: I don't know... pills. Red ones. Jane: Okay. Looks like a severed artery. Get her to trauma and page Dr. Karamichaelidis. Let's go! Dylan: Is she gonna be okay? Jane: Wait at the front, Dylan. London: What happened? Jane: Go look after your sister. Go! London: Dylan, Dylan! You have blood on you. Dylan: It's not mine. London: Okay. Okay. Dylan, what did you take? Dylan: Nothing. London: Did you take anything? Dylan: No. London: You sure. Police officer: Hey. I saw you fast and furious up in that Mercedes. The sirens mean stop. Dylan: If I had stopped, my friend might have died! Police officer: We ran the plates. Unless your last name's Trang, that Mercedes doesn't belong to you. You're under arrest for theft, reckless endangerment by the state of that friend you brought in, hell of a lot more. London: This is a mistake, right? Come on, Dylan?! Let the music take control! (Echoes) control! Control! Control! (Heartbeat thumps) (Low hum of chatter, cars rumble by) London: Community service isn't so bad. Dylan: No, it's bad, London. I have to waste an entire summer vacation volunteering at a hospital, this hospital. London: You're just lucky that Nana and Papa knew your judge. Dylan: Lucky? That judge said I can't see any of my friends. London: You could be poking trash with a stick. No, instead, you're here, where you can maybe do some good, where you can actually help people, where... Dylan: Where everyone can keep an eye on me. London: Hey, I haven't been home in two days, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I think Dr. K's trying to break us. Dylan: Can't you just show him all your perfect test scores from med school? London: No. I tried that. It didn't go over well. Okay, this is it. Dylan: If dad was here, I wouldn't have to do this. London: Well, if dad was here, you wouldn't be committing felonies with Teddy and Rayna. (Loud overlapping discussions) (Someone clears their throat and all quiet down) Dylan: Hi. Jared: You must be the new girl. Late on the first day. Good start. I'm Jared. I run this program. Wes: Sort of. Don't go where you're not supposed to, don't do what you're not supposed to. Cause any trouble and I will be forced to call your probation officer. You feel me? Mikayla, give the new girl here a tour. The rest of you geniuses get to work. (Chairs scrape, chatter resumes) Mikayla: (Preparatory exhale) Hi. I'm Mikayla, this is Wes. And don't worry, no one likes Jared. Wes: This place can actually be a lot of fun. You just have to hang with the right people. For example, us. If it's cool, I'm just gonna stay outta trouble, do my time. Wes: Well, if you change your mind come find me. Welcome to Open Heart Memorial. Mikayla: Come on, tour bus is leaving! (Papers rustle) (Knock on door) Jane: Detective Goodis. I'm just on my way to a consult. Goodis: It's about your husband. Jane: Let me guess: He's still missing. Goodis: My superiors think there's nothing left to investigate. And now it's been six months since Richard disappeared. Mrs. Blake, they're putting the case in a drawer. If you'd like, off the record, I can continue to do some digging... No, uh... no. The shadow has hung over our family for long enough. So if it's over... Let it be over. Well, if you ever need anything you have my number. Jane: Thank you. (Retreating footsteps) Dr. K: Okay, we've got Mr. Boe, a 40-year-old male, collapsed at home. Full body seizure en route, history of hypertension, BP 190 over 100... Pop quiz, residents: What do we do? Scarlet: Obviously, it's an intracranial bleed. We should stabilize and start him on meds while we wait for CT. Hud: Yeah sure, if you wanna do the boring thing. Dr. K: Care to break the tie, Dr. Blake? London: Um... Jane: Must be a ruptured aneurysm. We should try to clip the bleeder. Dr. K: Dr. Blake, we think we should stabilize him better first. Jane: If we wait, there's a good chance he won't wake up again. What good is he alive, if he can't be there for his family? Mrs. Boe, I can bring him back. Mikayla: Okay, our job is to help out and to stay out of the way. Oh, and ABS. Always be smiling. Have you ever heard of the Blake family? Dylan: No. Circus folk? Mikayla: Dr. Edward Blake pretty much bankrolled this place after his second granddaughter was born here. Oh, and the doctors said when they delivered her she didn't breathe for like three minutes and then she did. Dylan: Sounds like a freak. Mikayla: Oh and Richard, Edward's son... like half a year ago? He just disappeared. But nobody knows what happened. Dylan: What's this? (Door rattles open) (Door shuts) Mikayla: (Nervous exhale) Mikayla: Hi? Sorry? We can't be in here. Dr. K: What are we looking at, Dr. McWhinnie? Scarlet: Occipital lobe? Jane: Close, but wrong. Dr. K: Dr. Hudson? Hud: That's the medulla. Jane: Wrong, and less close. Dylan: I've never seen my mom operate before. Mikayla: But that's Dr. Blake. Which means... you're miracle baby Dylan Blake?! Wow... Jane: London? London now! London: The precentral gyrus of the cerebral cortex is the area of the brain responsible for movement. Jane: Correct. Next time try not to sound like a med school textbook. Dr. K: We need to stabilize now. Jane: Are you here to criticize or assist? Dr. K: Now I will assist with the retraction and suction of the bleeding. London, what are the risks associated with Dr. Blake's course of action? London: Uh, risks are... I mean, risks can be... the, um, complications include, uh... Jane: Spit it out, London. (Running footsteps retreat, door clicks open) Dylan: (Exhales) (Disappointed exhale) London: (Rapid breaths, sobbing) Dylan: One sec. Hey-hey-hey-hey... Keep breathing, okay? (Deep calming breaths) Jane: Listen to me. You are the smartest person in this building, if you can't apply it under pressure, you will not make it as a doctor. London: I know. Dylan: Would you stop treating her like crap. Jane: I'm treating her like every resident that comes into this hospital. She is trying to do something great with her life. Dylan: You know if dad could see this, he'd be disgusted. When he comes back... Jane: He's not coming back, Dylan. You know what, this is not the time or the place. I have rounds. (Calming breath) Dylan: Can you believe her? London: Is this what it's going to be like with you here? Me constantly caught in the middle? I'm on your side. (Sniffs) (Huffs in disbelief) You and Wes wanna have some fun after shift? Mikayla: Totally. Dylan: Cool. Let's go find some trouble. Mikayla: (Giggles) Wes: Oh man! Es) Mikayla: I can't believe I'm in the Blake family mansion. Dylan: I don't live here, it's my grandparents' place. But they left for vacation, so it's all ours. Not bad for circus folk, eh? Mikayla: Hey, about what I said before... I shouldn't act like your parents are my own private soap opera. Dylan: Who's up for a swim? Wes: Oh, crap. I left my purple tankini at home so... Mikayla: (Grunts) Mikayla: Woo! Wooo! Come on, you're not shy, are you? He's shy. Wes: No. (Whistles) Dylan: What are we, five? I'm not gonna push you in. Wes: Nooo! (Happy screaming, splashing) Mikayla: I can get used to this. Wes: Let me try it without looking. Ready? Dylan: Hm-hm. (Dart clunks on the floor, they chuckle) Wes: I don't think I'm making a very good impression. Dylan: Uh no, you-you impress just fine. Really? Dylan: Okay. My turn. Wes: Okay. Dylan: So why are you a volunteer? Wes: Well, I wanna be a doctor. Which means university, med school and money I don't have. And your solution to that is to volunteer? Open Heart Memorial looks great on a scholarship application. Plus my 96 average will only get me so far. Dylan: Your 96 average? That's impressive. Wes: Oh, you dig smart guys, huh? I meant, that's impressive you managed to work that little tidbit into our first conversation. Second conversation. Mikayla: So what did you do? To get the community service? Wes: Mikayla... Um, my... my friend was in trouble... So I drove her to the hospital in the car I stole from the house I broke into. Mikayla: Whoa. Dylan: Yeah. I know. You guys feel free to peace out any time you want. Wes: What, I mean, are you kidding? I mean, you saved your friend even though it burned you. That... that's amazing. Most people just focus on the criminal part. Mikayla: That's because most people suck. Wes: Yeah, screw those people. (Door lock clicks open) Mikayla: (Gasp) Somebody's coming. Dylan: Nobody should be here. (Approaching footsteps) All: (Surprised gasps) Dylan: Nana! Edward: Dylan? Dylan: Papa?! (Relieved sighs) Helena: Goodness Dylan, what are you doing here? We thought we were being robbed! Dylan: If you have a key, it's technically not a break-in. Helena: Even so, honey, you're not supposed to see these er, ne'er-do-Wells. Mikayla: Oh, we're not those ne'er-do-Wells. We're volunteers at Open Heart. Hi. Edward: I thought I recognized you. Helen: Hi. Mikayla: Yeah, I've been there a while. Edward: We had hoped that the volunteer program would be a good influence on you, not get corrupted by you on day one. Wes: Corrupted? We just went swimming. Edward: What's your name, son? Wes: Wes Silver. That's me, Sir. Edward: You went swimming in my pool, drank my drinks, and threw my darts. I think, we're focusing too much on the negative... I mean, first of all, no one got hurt, by the darts or-or the shenanigans, and secondly, Sir, you have a lovely home, which we're gonna leave as soon as we get our clothes. Okey dokey. Mikayla? Mikayla: Okay. Wes: Yep. Edward: Be sure to leave the robes. Wes: Y-yes, Sir! Mikayla: Yep. Edward: You have anything to say, young lady? Yeah. How come you guys are home? Helena: Well, your mother and London are on their way over. We all need to talk. And in the meantime, I'm starving! (Retreating footstep) Helena: Despite everything, it is so good to see you. I miss our family dinners with all of this. Your dad always insisted on them. Dylan: I know. Jane: It's okay. Hi. Helena: Hi darling. Edward: London Bridges, you look like you haven't slept in days. London: Oh, try weeks, Papa. Why are you guys here? Jane: It seems the police have decided to end their investigation. But we still don't know what happened to dad. What about detective Goodis? Is he stopping, too? Jane: He is. He's the one who came to see me. Edward: The police can't continue to pour resources into a case with no leads. Dylan: So now we hire a private investigator. Jane: We're not gonna do that, Dylan. Dylan: Why not? This is a joke, right? Dad's still missing he could be out there hurt or... we-we have to keep looking! Helena: Sweetheart... Dylan: No, I don't get this! Why am I the only one who cares? London: Well, there's something you don't know. Edward: London... London: Look, someone needs to tell her. Dylan: What?! London: When dad came into the hospital the day he went missing, he was with someone else. A woman was seen with him on the hospital security tape. It's pretty obvious he was having an affair. But who is she? Edward: The police couldn't identify her. And none of us have seen her before. Dylan: How could you all keep this from me? Jane: Because we knew it would upset you. And we've been holding out hope that he would call or reach out too us... Dylan: No. You should have told me! London: No, wait! Dylan! Dylan! (Running footsteps) Helena: We have to keep the girls close. No more trips for us. We start doing dinners again. And we put this family back together. Jane: What if we just tell them everything. Edward: No. Absolutely not. You're right. They can never know. Hard, hard Hard, hard When everything's getting dark And you can't find the spark To get through (I'll be there) I'll fight for you to the end Whatever was broken I'll mend For you... (Papers rustle) (Richard mutters to himself) (Papers rustle) Dylan: Mornin' dad. Whatcha you doing? Richard: Um, I'm just looking for patterns. Dylan: Like, research for your novel? Richard: Yeah. I guess I... I guess I made quite a mess. Your mom is gonna, mom's gonna freak, huh? Dylan: Yeah, I can-I can help you clean up. Richard: No, no, don't, don't do that. I will fold these up, okay? After you go to school. Did you oversleep? Did you sleep at all? 'Cause your hair is kinda crazy. You know, I actually, I work very hard to make it look like this. This is... It's kinda my thing. Dylan: Can I get a ride? Richard: Yeah, yeah. You can. I just have to find my keys here, they're... They are here, somewhere. Right. Okay. Richard: (Groans) (Keys jingle) Dylan: Can't you just leave them in your coat pocket like a normal dad? Richard: You see I did that on purpose... To test your investigative skills. And it turns out, you are quite a detective. [SCENE_BREAK] (Approaching footsteps) (Chair and drawer scrape) Dylan: I hope I woke you up. London: You prevented me from falling asleep. What are you looking for? Dylan: Dad never threw anything out, he kept everything! Every ticket, every drawing, every movie receipt. If he was having an affair, there'd be evidence. Maybe dad left mom, and maybe there is another woman, but he wouldn't leave you and me. Not like this. London: But it's what everyone believes. And it's what I believe, too. Why didn't I get to see the security tape? The police only asked me if I could identify the woman. But other than identifying how ugly her coat was... no idea. Mom didn't think we should drag you into it. We have to move on. And how am I supposed to do that, exactly? Finish your community service without getting into any more trouble. (Small laugh) Can you at least try? [SCENE_BREAK] (Sirens wail in the distance) Hey, this one looks fun, huh? "Tess of the d'Urbervilles?" How old do you think I am? Dylan: Ah, here. Here. Here. This is-this is more recent. Plus it has dragons. Wes: You are catching on to this volunteer thing a lot quicker than expected. You okay after last night? Dylan: Um... not really. My whole family thinks my dad ran off with some mistress. She was on the hospital security tape with him the day he disappeared. What do you think really happened? I'll let you know when I see that tape. Mikayla: Cool. Let's just go steal it out of the security room. (Chuckling) Wes: She was joking. I don't need to steal it. I just need to see it. And I need some help. I'm in. Wes: Mikayla seriously? Mikayla: Wes. Life is short. Wes: I don't want to get my butt fired. Dylan: Nobody is getting fired. I swear I won't let anything bad happen to you guys. I don't bail on the people I care about. And I'm not bailing on my dad. (Low hum of chatter) (Footsteps thud) (Sighs) (Keypad buttons beep, door buzzes open) One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi... (Door clicks shut) Jared: Delinquent. Dylan: My-my name is Dylan. Jared: Right. I knew it started with a 'd'. What do you think you're doing? Dylan: I am delivering magazines to the ward that's over there. What are you doing? Jared: It's called restocking the supply closet. Dylan: How long does that take? Jared: As long as it takes. Now go. Wes: Hey, how'd security room recon go? Dylan: The keypad's a problem, but the door lag solves it for us. Just need good timing. Wes: So why are you bummed? Dylan: I can't get in there today because Jared is restocking the supply closet right there. Wes: Oh no! Mikayla: Ohhh! What? Mikayla: Jared is always restocking the supply closet right there. It's kind of his thing. Wes: Yeah, he lords over the supplies like a stormtrooper. For serious? I have to see that security tape of my dad and that woman somehow. Mikayla: Well, London said no one could identify her, right? Dylan: But what if I can, Mikayla? What if I can figure out who she is and find my dad. Mikayla: Then we need a plan to get rid of Jared. Wes: Ooh yeah! There's nothing I like to think of more. Dylan: Okay, okay. So what are his weaknesses? Wes: Uh, peanuts, shellfish, soybeans... Dylan: I'm not gonna poison him. There's gotta be something else. Wes: You know, you're pretty cute when you're frustrated. Stop distracting me with the flirting. Wes: What? W-what's that look? Mikayla: It's Jared. You can't... I have to. It's the only way. Jane: Mr. Boe has been in a coma since his surgery. At this point, all we can do is monitor his BP and ICP, and wait for something to change. Questions? Hud: Are we gonna talk about your fight yesterday? Jane: It wasn't a fight. Dr. K: It was a disagreement. Hud: Seemed like a fight. Dr. K: Watch your tone. Jane: What would you have done, Dr. Hudson? Hud: Operate. Same as you. I'll take get 'er done over wait 'n' see any day. Respectfully, Dr. K. Dr. K: You're not an army medic anymore. At this hospital, we have to think things through. What do you think, Dr. McWhinnie? Scarlet: Statistically speaking, your course of action was the safer route. Dr. K: Care to break the tie, London? London: Hypotheticals are pointless. Jane: So is waffling. Tell us what you think, Dr. Blake. I... don't know. Jane: (Disappointed) Well then, this debrief is over. Dr. K: All right, Dr. Hudson, since you're a man of action, why don't you take a break from rounds to collect the floor's urine samples. (Chuckles) That's not my... Nurses do that. Dr. K: Not today they don't. Get 'er done. Oh, and have Dr. Waffles help out. (Low hum of chatter in the distance) (Door clicks shut) (Preparatory breath) (Softly) Hey... We uh, we kinda got off on the wrong foot, didn't we? I didn't realize how much power you have around here, but I totally get it now, and I just hope you can see that I'm like, so, so sorry. Jared: You're a quick study. I like that. Dylan: Well, I'm here to help in anyway that I can. You are? Dylan: Hm-hm. Why don't you let me finish this, and you go on a much-deserved break? Jared: I've got a better idea. Why don't we restock the shelves... together? Is that code for something else? Jared: No. I've got boxes of sterile gauze comin' out the wazoo. Sort by size, and make sure the English label is facing out. Use that shelf there, the one labeled "sterile gauze." Think you can handle that, delinquent? Dylan: Try my best. Alrighty then. [SCENE_BREAK] (Lid grazes open) It looks like someone left this on the wrong shelf. Jared: Ohhhh! My God! (Jar clatters) Dylan: I am so, so sorry! Jared: Are you kidding me right now?! Sorry. Ah, at least I have back-up pants in my cubby. Dylan: Let me get them for you. You don't want to walk down the hall like that. Right. Don't want to look foolish. Just take off your pants, and I'll make the swap, and no one has to know. You want me to take off my pants? It's the least I can do, since it is all my fault. Jared: All right. Turn around. Turn around. Be quick about it, will ya? (Machines beep and hum) (Phone rings) Girl: Your turn. Noel... Noel... (Excited chatter) Dylan: Your turn, daddy! London: Can we have one, please! Richard: Hm-hm. We absolutely can. I think two. Here, daddy, this one is for you. Richard: Oh! Well, whatever could it be? Love the wrapping job, by the way. Oh! I love it! Dylan, I love it. I will never ever, ever take this watch off! See that? Jane: That is gorgeous. Richard: Hm-hm. Jane: Oh London... You have to change out of your pajamas in case the hospital calls. Just go in your pj's, let your patients know their doctor is a human being. Yeah. I love it, Dylan. It's terrific. Dylan: Check this out. (Watch clicks) That is so cool. A secret compartment?! So cool. Nobody else knows about it. I'm gonna put something very special in here. A secret just for you and me. Merry Christmas, daddy. Merry Christmas, Dylan. Merry Christmas. Born is the king... Wes: Pssst! Mikayla: Dylan! (Sniffs) Mikayla: What happened with Jared? Dylan: Uh, I bought us some time. Wes: But at what cost? Dylan: Take a guess: Boxer briefs or tighty whities?*** Wes: Are those my only two options? Because my money was on a thong. Dylan: Let's get to work. Excuse me. Seth: Whoa! London: (Gasps) Seth: (Groans) Is that... urine? London: Now I have to go back to the patient and get another one. Seth: Don't nurses do that? Er, why don't I call maintenance to deal with this. London: Yep. Why don't you! Seth: O-Kay. (Chair rattles) Always right when I start to eat... Wooooo! [SCENE_BREAK] Security guard: What the heck are you doing? Wes: What am I doing? What am I doing? Dylan: Password. Password. The vending machine ate my money and I got a little upset and I took matters in my own hands and now my hand is like, it's caught, like in the thing. Security guard: Take off the hoodie. Okay. Oh! Oh! That came out easily. Good thing we didn't have to cut off my hand, right? Hmm. Oh... Mikayla: Oh! Ooh! You better watch yourself. It's pretty slick right there. You might wanna wait 'til it dries. Oh whoa! Whoa! That's a scuff right there! You scuffed up my floors, dude. (Phone buzzes) (Door buzzes open) Security guard: What the hell are you doing in here? (Exhales) I'm not saying I'm the victim here. I'm just saying you could be more clear on the 'authorized personnel' sign. I'm personnel, how do I know I'm not 'authorized'? Security guard: The locked door with the secret passcode. The door was open. Jane: What's the problem here? Security guard: Caught her breaking into security. Dylan: The door was open! She also cracked into the computer system. Cracked? There was a sticky note on the keyboard with the password. Practically an invitation. Jane: What were you doing? I was just looking around. I was bored. Police officer: Do you want to press charges, ma'am? Security guard: It's hospital policy. Mom, don't let them do this. Police officer: Ma'am. All right, let's go, young lady. Goodis: You wanna tell me why you were in the hospital security room? Dylan: What can I say? I guess I missed you. Goodis: You're just lucky I was here, Dylan. Dylan: Well, where else would you be? I know you're not investigating my dad's case anymore. Goodis: Look, I didn't want to stop looking for your dad, okay? Dylan: And yet here we are. Goodis: Well, let's talk about why you were in the security room. The video of your dad isn't on the hospital server anymore. It was evidence. Dylan: So it's... it's here. Can you please show it to me? Goodis: I feel for your family, Dylan. I do. But this is a bad path you're going down. You don't want to end up in juvie. My dad wouldn't leave me. Like this. I need to find him, can please show me the security tape. I can't. As much as I might like to open up my laptop and point you to an AVI file under the directory 'Blake', I just can't. Like you said, the case is closed... (Exhales) It's in a drawer. I'm gonna grab a coffee. If anyone comes in while I'm gone, I can't help you. (Door clicks open) Dancing in the kitchen Cooking up a snowstorm London: There! Done. Mission complete. Seth: Level up! That's when you complete a... it was a video game joke. Yeah, I'm not proud of myself. London: No, no, no. You should be proud. You just put that joke out there and didn't second guess yourself. And it wasn't the worst, I mean, it just wasn't completely thought out. But that's the thing, isn't it? If you hesitate, then you miss your chance for impact. Seth: Are you having a stroke? London: More like an epiphany. Oh. Sorry. My brain works really fast. Sometimes I need to talk things out loud so I can get clarity on what I need to do. That was clarity? London: Of course! It's clear that... If Dr. Blake wants to hear what I think, then she's going to hear it. Thanks for listening to my babble. I love a good babble. Hey, I'm Seth by the way. We haven't officially met. Um, what am I supposed to do with the pee? Dancing in the kitchen Cooking up a snowstorm Lie to me Li-Li-lie to me... Lie to me Li-Li-lie to me... Goodis: Yeah, yeah, let's meet in my office. I just gotta get this kid out... dancing in the kitchen Cooking up a snowstorm Time's up, Dylan. Your ride is here. (Gear shifts, seat belt unclicks) Jane: Wait. (Opens then shuts door) (Siren wails in the distance) I am sorry that I didn't tell you about your father and that woman. You love him so much. I-I didn't want to take that away from you. I am not a kid. You can't protect me from everything. Although... Thank you for asking Goodis to run interference at the police station. That was you, right? Jane: Yeah. Your Nana thinks that it would be a good idea for us to have family dinners again. Dylan: Tonight? Jane: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Let's do it. Jane: Great. (Door slams shut) (Paging announcement over pa) Ugh! Dylan: You okay? Hud: Yeah. I think I'll live. Are you good? Dylan: Hm-hm. Yeah. Hud: That's... good. Jared: You just made the biggest mistake of your life. Dylan: What are you gonna say? That I tricked you and stole your pants? Jared: I've got my eye on you, Dylan. Dylan: Hey, look at that. You finally got my name right. Jared: Hmm. Hud: Whoa! No! No! Jared: Excuse me, Dr. Hudson. Hud: What's your name again? Jared. Hud: Jared. Right. Did we go to medical school together, Jared. I didn't go to medical school. I'm a volunteer. Hud: A volunteer? Then... what the hell are you wearing? Jared: Uh, scrubs. Hud: Uh-ha. Remember that time I tried to borrow a notebook from you and you said it was a 'volunteer-notebook'? It was a volunteer notebook. Yeah, well, those... They're 'doctor-pants'. So take them off. But I don't have anything... Hud: Now! (Shoes thud, pants rustle) [SCENE_BREAK] (Door opens) Jane: Make yourself at home. Dr. K: (Chuckles) How's the patient? No change... yet. And if you're waiting for me to say I was wrong, it is not gonna happen. I stand by my call. Dr. K: Fine. But you were off yesterday, Jane. I know it. I'm sure having Dylan here is stressful. Jane: No, it's not that. I mean, it's not only that. The police closed Richard's case. Dr. K: Look, if you need some time to figure things out. Jane: I don't need time, Dom. (Phone chimes) (Gasps) (Running footsteps) [SCENE_BREAK] He's in recovery. London: (Small laugh) Look how happy they are. Jane: Yeah. Do you still want to know what I think about the operation? Jane: I do. I think you were told your husband's missing persons case was being shut down, and that prevented you from seeing patient clearly. You saw another husband and father who might not come back to their family, and you took a dangerous risk. The patient could have died from the complications of your snap decision. That's what I think, Dr. Blake. I brought him back. This time. Wes: You're back already? Dylan: Yeah. My mom got me off the hook. Sometimes the Blake name comes in handy. Mikayla: So, I guess we're like, cut from the heist crew, huh? Dylan: No way, you guys did great. Wes: You're you're clearly delirious from your time in jail. I mean, we botched the plan. You were arrested. It just happened. Dylan: So did this. Mikayla: You got taken in jail and walked out with the security video?! Who are you? Wes: Why is he so upset? Dylan: I've never seen him like this. Wes: Hey, is that the mistress? Dylan: Ugly coat. Yeah, that's her. [SCENE_BREAK] Wait, what is he doing? Oh my God... watch. Wes: What are we looking at? Dylan: The watch. Look at my dad's wrist. There! He takes off his watch and gives it to Dr. Hudson. That watch was a gift from me. He loved it. Wes: It's just a watch, Dylan. Dylan: No, it's not. There's a secret compartment under the face. We're the only two who know. That watch is important. And I'm gonna find it. (Cutlery clinks) (Clock chimes) (Frustrated exhales) Jane: We should get started. Helena: We should wait. London: Oh, I'm starving. Helena: But Dylan's not here yet! Dylan: Nope, nope, I am, Dylan is here! I am here. Sorry I'm late. I got caught up with the lollipop gang. What? The kids in oncology loved our 'hokey pokey' so much they demanded an encore. Turns out that is what it's all about. (All chuckle) Edward: Well, you see that, Dylan, being at the hospital will be good for you. Dylan: Hm-hm. You know, Papa, I definitely feel like I'm on the right track now. So any interesting cases this week. Cases? No! No cases. Edward: That was directed to your mother. Oh no, I mean yes, but... Dylan: Right. Edward: But what? Jane: I don't wanna talk about it. London: Well, I have cases though. I have, I have cases. Jane: She does. Edward: They let you see patients now? Helena: Oh Edward, she's been doing rounds for 6 months. London: 6 months. (All chuckle) Edward: Feels like a year. Just don't get us sued.

Dylan starts working at a hospital in the series premiere of this mystery about a rebellious teen searching for her missing father while doing court-ordered community-service work.

fd_Heartland_06x07

fd_Heartland_06x07_0

Ty: Previously on "Heartland": (Crowd cheers) You have to admit, we're really good together. Yes, yes! We are! Chase... At Hubbard Financial it's never just an 8 hour day. Look Lanny, I would be happy to look at your portfolio. I'll send you over my financials. You'll get fired if you don't go. Yeah, pretty much. We gotta go, or you're gonna miss your flight to New York. How can I leave my baby? (Applause) Chase: Wasn't perfect, but it was pretty damn close. Chase. The one and only. (Chuckles) Georgie: Jack! Wait up! Mallory called! She's not coming! She's sick. I thought she was supposed to babysit? Well, I did too, but these things happen. Well, these cows aren't gonna wait all day, Jack. Why don't you leave the baby with the kid? You good with that, kid? You said you were gonna teach me how to herd cattle. Tim: Yeah, tomorrow. Pay you ten bucks to babysit. What do you say? Ten bucks? Tim: Yeah. Georgie: Okay. Jack: Now hold on. You gotta be twelve-years-old to babysit. I'm eleven and a bit. Well, that's not twelve, is it? As long as I'm your guardian, we're playing by the rules. We've got cows to move, Jack. We can't run a daycare. I'm sorry if your granddaughter is slowing you down. There you go, yeah. We're gonna have to take a rain check on the cattle. How is that fair? No, it's not. You're right. And you're right, she is my granddaughter. Come here. That's it. You go ahead, Jack. I got it. The kid and I'll figure something out. Right, Katie? (Katie cries) Here. Let her walk around a bit. (Katie cries) Shhh... shhh... Amy: Yeah, I've been working him without a bridle for a while now. I thought I'd bring him somewhere new where there's more distractions. Chase: I hope I count as one of those distractions. Amy: Well, I definitely was not expecting to see you here. Last I heard, you were starring in your own one-man extravaganza. Chase: Chase Powers' Horsepower! Coming to an arena near you! Also I've been fielding offers for my own TV show. "Chasing The Dream." Right? What do you think? (Chuckles) Sounds perfect. Chase: Allow me. Amy: Oh, I can get it. Doesn't mean I'm gonna let you. Lou: I know I left a day early, Peter, but I couldn't stand being away from Katie for one more second. I don't know. Herding cattle with a baby? Not just a baby - a Fleming baby. It's in the blood. I did this with all the kids. Well, people did a lot of stupid things in the olden days. Okay. We're ready. Yeah. Oh hey, there's Dad... And Katie. Watch this. (Katie cries) We're gonna have so much fun. Lou: Stop! Stop the car! Dad? No! No! Hey, Lou! You're home early. Obviously, not early enough! Hello, my baby. What's the problem? Are you okay? She's fine. She's fine. No thanks to you! Dad, do you have any idea how insane, how reckless, how irresponsible... Tim: How-how much fun! I did this with you when you were little. Yeah, because I was little, Dad, and I didn't know any better. But you are supposed to be the grownup. Honestly, dad, what were you thinking? Georgie: That you wouldn't be home until tomorrow. (Sighs) Amy: Well, it was great to see you again. Yeah. And I hope you keep chasing that dream. Well, that's... Turns out it's not exactly the life for a man in my situation. What situation? Hayley: Hey! I caught a bit of your act over there in the ring. Chase: Yeah, ain't she something? Hayley: I'll say. Made me feel like a real amateur. You do some reining? Well... nothing like what you can do. Chase: Well, we're working on it. I'm sure Chase is a great coach. He's turned out to be a pretty great husband too. Chase: Amy Fleming, Hayley Powers, my wife. And at the break of day you sank into your dream, you dreamer. Oh, oh, oh... You dreamer, you dreamer. Chase: It was a crazy, whirlwind kind of courtship. Hayley: Oh... more like a killer tornado. Chase: We met at one of my clinics... Hayley: And three weeks later we tied the knot! Amy: Wow. Well, congratulations. Chase: Thank you. So do you guys tour around together? Is that how it works? Chase: Well, I have a few prior commitments, you know, dates I booked before I fell crazy in love with this girl. But he promised to cancel them just for me. My family owns a ranch near Longview and we plan to settle down out there. Me and Chase want a bunch of kids, so we gotta get busy. That's great. You gonna help me here, sweetheart? I'm gonna go anyway. Yeah, I'll-I'll catch up to you, babe, I'm just see this young lady off here. Always the gentleman. Nice to meet you. You too. So uh... What about you? I see you're still wearing that promise ring on your finger? Ty and me... We've talked about marriage. Oh really? Just talked? Well, we decided to wait. Well, me and Hayley, we couldn't wait. The Viva Las Vegas wedding chapel was booked up, so we tied the knot at city hall. Oh! City hall, how romantic. Actually the romance happened later at the Bellagio... Okay, that's too much information. I remember now, miracle girl, it was always easy to get a rise out of you. Amy: Hello! Agh! Did something die in here? Yeah. And now it's in an advanced state of decomposition. Well, don't worry about cooking me dinner. I'm pretty sure I just lost my appetite. Well, the burners on the stove don't work anyways. I keep bugging Caleb about it. Oh, the absentee landlord? Well, he's not absent. The first of the month, he shows up to get his rent cheque. I'm glad I didn't dress up. Oh, you're never gonna guess who I ran into today. Chase Powers. You're right. I never would've guessed that. And something else that you would probably never ever guess in a million years. Just tell me, Amy. He's totally in love. Really? With someone other than himself? He's married - and to a really great girl, too. I met her. Her name is Hayley. Huh... you're right. Never would've guessed that. Well, I guess Chase Powers finally met his match. Lou: Okay, Katie. Mommy needs a coffee. What's that? You want a coffee too? You want a latte? Cappuccino? Hey, Lou. Oh, Paige! Hi! I just saw you there and thought I'd say hello. That is such a coincidence; I was going call your husband as soon as I got into the office. Oh, Lanny, he's actually out of town for a couple of days. Oh, good to know. He's so thrilled you talked him into going with Hubbard. I know. 6.3 percent in the last quarter. Yeah, and Lanny says that Martha is a crack money manager. Um... Martha, my supervisor Martha? When it comes to stocks, she sure can pick 'em. Great. Lanny thinks I should give her my portfolio and see what she can do with it. Paige, I may have been in New York for the last few weeks, but I was still actively in charge of your husbands accounts. Oh, little Katie, all this talk about money is so boring. All right. Well, I better go. I'll see you later, Lou. Uh... Well, you might say that herding cattle is as old as civilization itself. Older than the old west. Tim: Older than Jack. I'm talking thousands, thousands of years ago, when cattle were first domesticated. Now, to move a herd of cattle, you gotta have a lot of patience and a bit of bovine psychology. I like to think of it as an art or a science. Tim: Oh please, Jack. It's just cow sense. Did I ask you? I'm just- just cut to the Chase. Now you need to understand what they call the flight zone - see? Right here, and that side too - so you can keep the herd calm but still moving forward. Or a younger, faster cowboy, will just cut 'em off in his tracks. Now, the key... The key is you gotta let the herd know that you're there, but you can't scare 'em. Tim: That's right. Otherwise you got yourself a stampede! Jack: Will you stop that?! How old are you two? And how come we can't play with some real cows? Yeah, Jack, how come? All right. Go saddle up copper. Yes! She may not have the "deep insight" of the inner workings-" I was trying to teach her something. But she's gung-ho! Well, I can think of a few other words to describe her, impatient for one. Impulsive, impossible... Yeah, well, you're gonna miss her when she's gone. Come on, Jack, it's only temporary, right? Yeah. Ty: Caleb. Caleb: Ty. You're a week late. Where's my rent? It's called a rent strike, Caleb. I'm not paying you another cent until I get some new appliances. Okay. Well, I'm gonna have to raise the rent to cover the cost. You're joking, right? Dude, I am so strapped for cash, it practically is a joke. Well, what happened to the rodeo circuit, making money there. You were doing great. I can't make money at the rodeo if I can't pull my trailer, and I can't pull my trailer if my truck tires are bald, and I can't fork over more dough for new tires if I can't get to the rodeo in the first place. Well, this is a classic no-win situation because I'm not giving you another cent. (Sighs) Is there any more beer in there? Chase: Amy... I was looking for you. Oh! You came to the right place. I wanna give something to you. One day, that'll be a collector's item. Yeah, I'm sure it will. So... what brings you here? Uh, well, Hayley's a bit of a reiner, and she was so impressed by what you were doing, that she wants to try it too. Without the saddle and bridle? Yup. And she figured you were the perfect person to show her how to do it. You could teach her just as well as I could. I know, but she wanted you. I don't know... She said, "Chase, if you wanna ruin a marriage," teach your wife to drive a car or ride a horse." And I'm betting she already knows how to drive. I knew you couldn't say "no." Hold on. I didn't say anything. No. But you did reveal a total understanding of the situation I find myself in. So what do you say? Can you help me out with a few coaching sessions? I guess I can move some things around. That's great, that's great. Uh, so I'll call you and set that up. You know, I gotta say, being back here, and seeing you again, it's like a little trip down memory lane. Chase 'n' Amy, Ring of Fire. Those were the days. We were quite the team. We were never a team, Chase. Well, we were something, that's for sure. (Katie cries, Lou shushes her) Tim: That's one cranky little girl. Lou: First day back at daycare. If it was anything like my day, I can understand why she's miserable. That good, hey? Lou: I ran into Lanny Barrick's wife in town and she told me what a financial genius my supervisor is. Except I made all the stock picks, and she took all the credit. Your supervisor went behind your back? I knew she was jealous ever since Martin sent me to New York and not her, so she totally backstabbed me and got her hooks nice and deep into your buddy Lanny. Thank you. He probably doesn't even know. Amy: Sounds like your supervisor is a total weasel. Welcome to my world. Georgie: You should get another world 'cause your world sucks. Tim: I should say something to Lanny. Bad idea. Tim: No, but shouldn't I just- shouldn't I tell him what Lou's supervisor's doing behind her back? Well, except now, you'll be the one that's going behind Lou's back. Tim: No, it's different. It's different. And if it turns out that somebody's messing with my daughter, I can't just stand back. You gotta see that. All I see is an idea that's going from bad to worse. (Horse whinnies) Hayley: His name is Roxy. I was looking for a new reining horse and a friend of mine turned me on to Chase that's how we met, isn't it, honey? Chase: Yeah, after our second date, I just gave her the damn horse instead of a diamond ring. You better believe I got the ring too! Okay. Where do you want the horse? Uh, you can put him in the round pen. Chase: All right, I'll get the gate. Hayley: I told Chase, if I get to be half as good as you, we could have our own little Wild West show right at our ranch. Put that damn trailer up on blocks and let the clients come to us. Is that what Chase wants? Well, they say a tiger doesn't change his stripes, but that blue-eyed tomcat never met anyone like me before. (Both chuckle) You're a lucky man, Ty. Amy's a great girl. No argument there. Look, I know we've had our differences in the past, but let me give you a little bit of advice. Really. Relationship advice from Chase Powers. Look, all I'm saying is, if you don't walk that girl down the aisle, someone else will. Just so you know, I haven't done much bareback riding. Oh, that's okay. I'll be right here with you. Maybe we could start with the bridle on. Chase: That's cheatin'. Come on, give it a shot. Well, you know, if you feel more comfortable with the bridle on, that's fine. Chase: Come on, babe. Go for it! Can you give me leg up? Yes, I can. Okay. On three? Okay. Okay, one, two... Hayley: (Panicked) You- you know what? Um, Roxy has really never done anything like this before. How about you take him for a little test drive first? Amy: Yeah, of course. Okay. He responds so nicely, I'm surprised you haven't ridden him bareback before. Chase! Uh, Chase, what are you doing?! Chase: Just feeling the old magic. What old magic? What's he talking about? Ty: They toured together for a couple of months on the Ring of Fire. Months? Ty: That was a couple of years ago. Well, I bet they put on one hell of a show. Chase: Ladies and gentlemen! Chase Powers and Amy Fleming together again! Great. Woo! (Ty claps) Real nice. I like this one. Tim, hi! Saw you standing over here, you looked a little lost. Hope you don't mind. Not at all, are you kidding? It's so serendipitous. It's Lanny's birthday and I wanted to get him one of these, but they all look the same to me. Well, I've been trying to get a hold of him. I called him a few of times. He's out of town for a couple of days. Ah. Well, that's the one. Now all he needs to be a real weekend cowboy are a couple roping lessons. Are you offering? Sure, yeah, why not? Well, I'd pay you, of course. Oh no, no. It'd be my gift to Lanny. That's so great. Wow. I owe you one. Well, actually, there is something. Lou mentioned that you ran into each other yesterday. And your adorable granddaughter. Right. Well, she said that Lanny got some investment advice from-from her supervisor. Yeah. Martha. She's amazing. Yeah... Well, actually, those hot stock tips came from Lou. The supervisor just took the credit. Oh, that's not what Lanny said. But you're Lou's dad so it's natural that you'd see things differently. No, that's the way it was. Lou did all the work on Lanny's account. Okay, but you have to admit you're not the most reliable source, and maybe this isn't appropriate for us to be talking about. Maybe. But my daughter's getting shafted. It might be inappropriate, but I'm gonna talk about it. Okay. I'll tell Lanny we had this conversation. What's that guy trying to prove riding double like that? It was like he couldn't help it; That's just the way he is. Show off! Uh, I was gonna say showman. Yeah, a showman who acts like a jerk. Did you know he didn't even tell his wife that you two worked together? Really. Big surprise. Chase Powers keeping secrets from his wife. (Sighs) I don't feel good about any of this. I got talked into something, and now I wish it would just go away. Yeah, so do I. And I see him with his arm around you again, I'm gonna do something about it. Jack: That's kinda of funny. You got roped into giving roping lessons to Lanny Barrick. Tim: Yeah. And now he wants me to take a couple of steers over to his place so he can practice. Jack: Let me guess, I have to help you. Caleb: Hey, I got some free time. I wouldn't mind taking the steers over to the Barrick's place for you. That'd be great. Thanks. What's the catch? What do you mean? I mean what do you want? Just because I'm being a nice guy and trying to help you out that means there's a catch? Yeah. Exactly. What do you want? A loan. A loan?! Yes, sir. How much? Not too much. Just twelve hundred dollars, and I would pay you back nearly immediately. Tim: Come on, Jack. A small, short-term loan. It's just for truck tires. Tim: Sounds reasonable. Help me get back on the circuit. Tim: Man's gotta make a living. All right, just a minute, let's back up just a couple of steps here. The part about the tires? Man's gotta make a living? To the part where you asked me for a loan... 'Cause the answer's no. I already pay you more than you're worth. Okay. What about you? Can you help me out, Tim? Georgie! There you are. I'm waiting for you. What do you like better, peanut butter and jelly or ham and cheese? Well, I like 'em both, but I thought we were moving cattle not going on a picnic. We are, but it takes hard work and you need to keep up your strength. Well, don't bother making one for Tim, he's got a prior commitment. Okay. More for us. You know, I was just wondering... Have you ever read the guidelines to who can be foster parent in Alberta? (Chuckles) Can't say as I have, no. Well, you can't be too young. You have to be eighteen or older. Like as old as you are, or even older. There's no age maximum. So what's your point? Nothing. It's just... You know, you could be a dinosaur and still apply to be a foster parent. Okay. Come on, let's go. (Pants) What do you want, you ol' fleabag? Hello, Lou. Hey. Just saying hi, you know. How's your day? How's my day? You wanna know about my day? Read my blog. Caleb: "Maybe I'm paranoid," but the bow wow in the corner office dumped a huge pile of make-work projects on my desk. And when I complained, she said, "if you don't like it, you know what you can do." Hmm. Well, if I were you, I'd tell her to take the job and shove it. Yes, but you do not have a baby or a house to build. How am I supposed to pay my bills? Speaking of bills... I don't suppose you'd be willing to lend me twelve hundred dollars? Um... what? Sorry. You wanna borrow twelve hundred dollars from me? Yes, I do. It's for new truck tires, and you know I'm good for it. I'd pay you back. Why don't you just use a credit card? Or borrow money from a bank like everybody else? Do you know of a financial institution willing to lend money to rodeo cowboys with a part-time gig as a ranch hand? Maybe the time has come for you to get a real job. Like you? Ouch. Mm-hm. You know what? Never mind. I actually, I know a guy down at the track. It'll be fine. He loan me- What, you miss a payment and he breaks both your legs? Give me a break, Caleb. [SCENE_BREAK] Amy: Hey. Chase: Amy! What's up? Look... I think Hayley has great potential, and Roxy is an amazing horse, but I should've never agreed to get involved. What you mean? It's going well. No, it's not, Chase. I don't wanna work with you again. Really? What, did your boyfriend say something? No. This is not about him, okay? It's... It's about you. Why wouldn't you tell Hayley that we travelled around together, that we toured together. I mean... Well, how could you keep that a secret from her? What? You tell your boyfriend every little thing? Amy: Pretty much. Chase: Well, there are some things a man might just wanna keep to himself, like what happened between us. Ugh! Nothing happened between us. And you managed to convince yourself of that. I guess you don't remember it like I do. (Truck rumbles along) Hayley: Sweetie, was that Amy? How come you didn't tell me she was coming by? Uh, it was kind of a surprise. Uh... listen, I don't think you two should work together any more, and I told her as much. You told her... Before you even talked to me? Yeah, I guess I probably should've said something to you. Yeah, that's usually how it goes when two people are married. So what's really going on? Well, Amy and I... Might have done some touring around together. And was Amy right when she said that nothing happened? Well, you know how it is. She had a thing for me and then when I didn't reciprocate - because I was dating her best friend - let's just say, she didn't take it too well. Well, I wish you would've said something before I made a fool of myself asking her for riding lessons. I feel really stupid now. So do I. I mean, I thought she'd be over it. But I guess when she saw us together... She's probably just jealous. Look, babe, this... This sort of thing, it happens to me all the time. You know how it is, being in the public eye. Sometimes you just gotta forgive, forget, and uh... move on. (Sighs) Okay. What about my horse? Pick him up, and it'll be like none of this ever happened. Lou: Here you go. Jack: Oh, thank you. Lou: You know, I can honestly say I used to love my job. Jack: Used to? Well, what about now? Now? I'm just another mid-level employee who hates her supervisor, and the feeling is obviously mutual. Well, I hope that didn't have anything to do with your dad. With Dad... What do you mean? Oh, well, he was upset to hear you were getting the short end of the stick and... Well, he might've said something to that buddy of his. What buddy? Who-who are we taking about? You know, the weekend cowboy. Lanny Barrick?! Dad said something to Lanny Barrick. Oh my God! And Lanny must've said something to my supervisor. No wonder she was extra mean at work today, Grandpa. I mean, she's always nasty, but it's like she had it out for me today. I can't believe Dad would do this. Don't go jumping to conclusions. I told him, in no uncertain terms, not to do anything stupid. This is Dad we're talking about. Dad?! Jack: Uh-oh! Here comes trouble. What? Lou: Seriously, Dad, going behind my back? Jack: Like I said, trouble. Let's go. What were you thinking, Dad? I am supposed to be a professional! I know! I know! I was just trying to help. Help? Dad, how do you think it looks when my daddy talks to a client for me? Well, somebody had to. Yeah, but not you! That's my job! I can fix this. No, Dad, you've done enough. I'll fix it myself, I'm a big girl. Lou, I'm sorry. I never should've gone there. No kidding. Well, at least now you know the devil you're dealing with. Yeah. I'm seeing the real ugly side of the corporate world. Is there another side? You know what, Dad? I gotta go make some calls. Honey, wait, wait. Why don't you come for a ride? No, I don't- Lou, you know there's nothing like sitting on a horse to help gain some perspective. (Door slams) You know, I was thinkin'... It's too bad the whole Chase 'n' Amy thing didn't work out. With Spartan and the Liberty work, we could've made a fortune. Are you here to pick up your horse? Chase: Yeah... And ask you a question. Why did you really quit? Because you were acting all weird. You're married, Chase, to a really nice woman. I know. She's great. I'm a lucky man. You sure have a funny way of showing it. Well, Amy Fleming, what if I told you that you're just not that easy to forget. Chase... Well, remember how we'd pull into a town and... Do a show, sign a couple autographs. Yeah. All the cowgirls would line up to meet you. And all the star-struck boys in the audience, just waiting to get up close and personal with the miracle girl. Yeah. Yeah, it was crazy. But that's all in the past. Doesn't matter. It's the kind of thing you remember forever. You know, I... I love my wife, but you'll always be the one who got away. I'm gonna go find your horse. (Mooing) (Whistling) (Whistles) Hee-ya! Jack: Keep 'em together! Lou: Come on, cows! (Mooing) You know I haven't even told Peter that I'm thinking about quitting Hubbard yet. It's just not the kind of thing that comes up in casual conversation, you know? Hup! I swear to God, Dad, all I'd need is like a couple of good clients. Yeah, like Lanny Barrick? Lou: I wish. That is a big fish to land for a one-woman start-up. But maybe if I could convince Paige. Georgie: Jack! Look! Well, let's go then! Georgie: Hee-ya! Hee-ya! Jack: I'll circle around up top. That little girl is very good for Grandpa. He's gonna miss her when she's gone. Georgie: Lou, stop yakking! Give us a hand! Bring it! Tim: Hee-ya! Hee-ya, cow! Hee-ya! Lou: Come on, cow! Hup! Hup! Don't circle them, Lou, just give 'em the stink-eye! Watch and learn, kid. Hee-ya! Hup! Hup! Hey, cow! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hee-ya! Hup! Hee-ya! Come on! (Clucks tongue) Found your horse. Uh, look, that stuff I was talking about earlier, I just should've kept my mouth shut. Yeah, you probably should've. The thing is... Lately, I've been feeling like a horse trapped in a stall, just kicking at the door to be let out, and then I see you and... Yeah, well, except this isn't about me. This is about you giving up your life on the open road. Oh, come on, Amy. It's not like I haven't tried, okay? I met a girl, I fell in love. I didn't run away, I married her. It could be I wasn't exactly thinking straight, but... The thing is, Hayley wants me to settle down, and I don't think I can. Them maybe you should be telling her that and not me. Are you sure Jack's okay with this? Ah! He's happy to get rid of it. Ty: Yeah? All right, well, can you get the gate? This fridge is about as old as the last one I had. Yes, but it works. The only thing this baby's missing is a nice cold six-pack. Hey, what the hell's he doing here? Chase: You know, it's funny. You talk about me keeping secrets from my wife, but the biggest secret here is that you've still got a thing for me. I think I'm the reason that you didn't marry Ty when he asked you. You've gotta be kidding me. You think you can hide it, but not from me. (Hard slap) Don't you ever do that again! Did you see that? Yeah, I did. Caleb: Are you gonna do something about it? I think Amy just took care of that for me. (Truck rumbles away) Hey, Lou. Hey. About the loan. It was very, very sweet of you, but I can't accept. What? Why not? I don't wanna owe you anything. It'd make me feel like a loser. Caleb, that is ridiculous. You are a friend with a cash-flow problem. If I take your money, then you get to judge me and say things like, why don't you get a real job. Come on, Caleb. Sure, being a rodeo cowboy might seem like a stupid choice, but it's in my blood, and you only live once, so... Okay. I'll tell you what... If you don't wanna take my money, there's still a bunch left to be done at the Hanley place. Why don't you come and pick up some extra work until you get back on the circuit. Okay. All right. Thanks. (Sighs) (Clears throat, dialling beeps) Uh, hi, Martin. Can you call me back? Um, I'm hoping we can set up an appointment. I'd like to speak to you about my future with the company. Hayley: Are we going somewhere? No. Uh... I mean... Just say it, Chase. You know I love you and nothing can change that. Well, obviously something has, or someone. But when I went to pick up Roxy, I got to talking to Amy and... I haven't been exactly honest with you about the kind of life that I wanna live. Come on, Jack, I saddled the horses. What're you doing? Jack: As you can see, I'm busy. Well, what's this? That is a woolly worm wet fly. A woolly wet worm fly? That's close enough. This works best in spots that are shallow and weedy, and if you were a trout you would think that is irresistible. Trout? Why are we talking about trout? What about the cattle? Cattle need a day off now and again. Besides, my arthritis is flaring up a bit. What does that mean? Well, it means it might be good day to learn how to tie flies. Okay. Where do we start? We start by thinking like a fish. You can do that? Even us dinosaurs have a couple of tricks up our sleeves. Lou: What's the matter, honey? Are you still mad at Mommy? (Katie cries) Hey, Lou! Glad I caught you. Lou: Hi, Dad. Because I wouldn't let you ride the horsey? Hello, Katie. Listen, I'm heading over to Barrick's place - I gotta teach a couple of roping lessons - so I thought maybe I'd mention this whole thing about you going solo... Dad, thank you, but it's... I know you think I'm meddling again, but, really, this is about networking. This is about people who know people- Dad, I've already set up a pitch meeting, but thank you anyway. In fact, I'm a little bit late. But, you know, if you wanna help me maybe you could watch Katie for me while I'm gone. I mean, I'll probably make a better impression if I don't have to drag my baby to meet prospective clients, right? You know, now that you're a parent, that you'll do anything for your kid, right? Anything. Even babysit. Yeah. Okay. Bye, honey. (Katie cries) Lou: Thanks, dad. Tim: Okay. What do you wanna do? Hayley: Amy! Just wanted to drop by and thank you. Thank me for what? For ending my marriage. Chase just told me he had a couple of dates lined up and he didn't know when he'd be back. Hayley, I'm so sorry. Sorry?! Sorry doesn't cut it any more. He told me you convinced him to go, convinced him he's not the marrying kind. I never said that! If that's what Chase told you, then he twisted everything I said. Well, it sounds pretty straight forward to me. It's all about "Chase Powers' Horsepower" and his only home is the open road. You must've known this before you married him. Let me tell you something about me and Chase. I would've been happy with a little barroom fling with a handsome cowboy. But he pursued me until there was nowhere left to run. I guess that's why they call him Chase. And now you're asking him to give it all up. But that's his life. What about my life? He said he wanted a family, and I said that the endless touring was a deal-breaker. Guess you made him realize that settling down with me wasn't much of deal at all. Asking Chase to settle down is like asking him to retire when he's just getting started. Maybe. But it doesn't matter now because I'm here talking to you and he's packing up to go. Hayley, Chase loves you. He married you. Yes, life on the road can be crazy, but... sometimes it can be crazy good. You just think I should go with him. I think it's your decision to make. This all looks great, Lou, but to tell you the truth, I was talking to Lanny and he's not sure that you can offer the same service of a big company. Yeah. Well, I like to think of it as the individualized attention of a boutique investment firm. So how many clients do you have? You would be the first. Well, I do like being number one... But I'm thinking I should really stick with Hubbard, and I think you should too. Um, I'm sorry, I'm not following. It's just that you're probably gonna wanna have a couple more kids, and you'll need to take mat leave so you can be with them. So maybe when they're a little older, then you can leave Hubbard and start something of your own. Right. Okay. Um, well, thank you so much for your time, and, uh, I appreciate the opportunity. But frankly, despite of what you and Lanny think, my family plans are nobody's business. And as for staying with Hubbard Financial for another two years? Not gonna happen. I already quit. (Coughs and sniffs) Gross. Die you stupid flies. Lou, why don't you let me do that? No! If I am gonna work full-time from home, I need a workspace that I actually feel good about. (Phone chimes) You've got mail. Really? Maybe it's Paige telling me that she's reconsidered. (Chuckles) Yeah, right. Hmm. It's good news? No... well, sort of. This toy company wants to sponsor my blog. "Play Safe, Play Fair." That sounds like a laugh riot. Influential mommy blogger... They actually wanna pay me to the write the stuff I've already been writing for free. Do you know I was sponsored once. Longview beef jerky. There is only so much jerky a cowboy can eat. What's wrong? That's funny, come on! This is a good thing, right? It's a... yeah. I mean, it's an okay thing. Some toy company wants to throw a couple bucks at my blog. But I can't make a living as a mommy blogger. So what do I have to show for quitting my job and... Starting out on my own? (Tearing up) Just some sort of okay news. Well, it's not bad news. I used to have an office... With a view. My own parking space. No dead flies or spiders. What if I made a terrible mistake? Everything is gonna be just fine. Come here, you need a hug. Thanks. (Lou cries) It's gonna be all right, Lou. (Sighs) (Truck rumbles along) Glad I caught you before you left. Can you give me a hand with these? What're you doing here, Hayley? What does it look like? You sure about this? I'm willing to give it a go. Just remember that the next time you got something to say about our life together, you say it to me. I'm the girl you married. No doubt about that. What made you change your mind? Well, I guess I didn't have much choice. This is how you make your living, and you gotta work, especially now. Now that we're expecting. You're kidding. You? Me? A baby? That's what the test strips told me. (Laughing) Woo-hoo! Wait. Before we get to celebrating, there's something you should know. I'm not here because of the baby. I could raise this baby with or without you. I just figured it'd be more fun to do it with you. Tryin' to be man You know that stove really doesn't look any different than the last one. Ty: Well, I just fixed the burners. If I had to wait for Caleb to get me a new one, I'd be barbecuing in the middle of winter. Amy: So, then... What's on the menu, hmm? Um... How 'bout a little... Mm... Mm-hmm. Hey... Ty, there's something I should probably tell you. It's about Chase. Is this another guessing game? 'Cause I think I already know the answer. You do? He kissed you. I saw pretty much the whole thing. You saw him kiss me? Yeah, I was gonna hammer him, but then you sort of took care of it all by yourself, so... Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe you just stood there and watched it. You didn't even say a word. Believe me, I was going to do something, but then you had the situation handled so there wasn't really much left for me to do. (Laughs) You got that right. (Laughing) Hayley: Okay. I got a couple of rules. Chase: Shoot. Hayley: No cheap motels, no bad road food, and when I say we're stopping, we're stopping. Chase: Whether we need gas or not. Hayley: That's right, cowboy.

Chase Powers returns to Heartland with an aspiring "liberty horse" rider (Hayley) who wants Amy to be her coach. And Amy is shocked to learn what Hayley's connection is to Chase.

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_02x21

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_02x21_0

[Lockwood's cellar] (Caroline is trying to hold the gate. Matt is holding the gun. Tyler, the wolf, tries to break the gate) Matt: Caroline, let me help! Caroline: Get back, I got it! Matt: Caroline, the door's not going to hold Caroline: Come on! Tyler, please! (Matt shoots Tyler several times) Caroline: Matt! No, hey, no! It's Tyler! Matt: He's trying to kill us! Caroline: Wait! (Tyler is laying on the floor) Caroline: He's wounded Matt: Caroline, stay back Caroline: We can go around him Matt: Are you nuts? Caroline: You're not going to shoot him again, ok? Matt, take my hand (Matt is holding the gun toward Tyler) Matt: I got it Caroline: Matt, take my hand (He takes her hand. They rushes outside the cellar with Caroline's super speed) [Alaric's apartment] (Katherine and Damon are looking at his werewolf bite) Katherine: So that's what a werewolf bite looks like Damon: Yep Katherine: It's not that bad Damon: Will be (He gets up) Katherine: So that's it? You're just... Going to die? Damon: Well, that depends. You know anything about a cure? (She doesn't answer) Damon: Me, either (He puts he's jacket on) Katherine: 145 years and no last good-bye? Damon: You don't get a good-bye (She intercepts him) Katherine: No. Don't leave mad Damon: Us ending on up on good terms isn't exactly on my bucket list, Katherine Katherine: Klaus made me call Jenna to lure her out. There was nothing that I could do. I didn't have a choice Damon: That's why I gave you the vervain. So you had a choice Katherine: It was her or me. I chose her Damon: I helped you. You owed me. Now when Klaus dies, you're going to walk out of here without a scratch and Elena's aunt dies. Somehow you're the only one that wins. How'd that happen? Katherine: I didn't let love get in the way Damon: Enjoy eternity alone, Katherine Katherine: What are you going to do? Damon: I'm going to offer myself as a replacement to Klaus Katherine: He won't take you. He saw your bite; he said that your blood is impure. I'm sorry, Damon. But Jenna's dead, there's nothing you can do about it [A quarry] (Elena and Jenna are sitting on the ground) Jenna: oh, my head. What's wrong with me? Elena: Do you remember what happened? Jenna: You called me. You were so scared. Oh, ah, I should have realized that it wasn't you. The second I walked out of the house, someone grabbed me. A vampire Elena: Klaus. It was Klaus Jenna: He made me drink his blood. And I don't... I don't remember anything after that (She looks around her) Jenna: Where are we? What happened? Elena: We're at the quarry. He brought us here Jenna: Why don't I remember anything? Elena: Jenna, do you remember... When I told you how someone becomes a vampire? Jenna: Yeah, if you die with vampire blood in your system, it's... Oh, god. He killed me Elena: Jenna, listen to me. Listen to me; everything's going to be ok. I'm going to get you out of here Jenna: I'm a vampire? (Greta arrives) Greta: And I bet you're hungry (Elena sees a rock on the floor and tries to rush over it but Greta throws her away with her powers and creates a circle of fire around Elena. She can't get out of the circle) Greta: Don't bother trying to get through. I spelled the circle. You're trapped. No matter what you do Elena: Greta... Please, just- just let her go Greta: Klaus chose her (She cuts her wrist with the rocks and gets closer to Jenna) Greta: Drink it Elena: Jenna, don't! Jenna: I can't Elena: Let her go. Hey! (Jenna drinks the blood from Greta's wrist) Elena: No! Greta: That's enough (She gets up) Elena: It's going to be ok (Greta creates a circle of fire around Jenna) Elena: Look at me. Hey, look at me (Jenna turns her head. Her face has changed) Elena: It's gonna be ok. It's gonna be ok [Abandoned house] (Jeremy and Bonnie are reading grimoires) Jeremy: this is useless. All these grimoires. There has to be something in here to keep Elena from becoming a vampire Bonnie: And we'll keep looking. Until the last minute (Elijah, Stefan and Alaric arrive at the house) Elijah: The sacrifice is completed in stages as the full moon sets. First the werewolf is killed, then the vampire. Finally the doppelganger. Once Elena dies, the curse will be broken. Klaus will become hybrid Alaric: So when do we attack? Elijah: Elena's death will activate his dormant werewolf side. He'll be vulnerable during the transformation. That's when bonnie comes in Stefan: And you're sure bonnie will survive this? Elijah: If she can deliver him to the brink of death, I'll finish the job myself (Stefan phone rings. He answers. It's Damon) Stefan: Damon Damon: You're not going to like what I'm about to say Stefan: Cut to the chase. Is the sacrifice happening or not? Damon: It's happening. I tried to stop it, but it got... Complicated Stefan: We're sticking with the original plan. We're meeting bonnie right now Damon: He's got Jenna, Stefan Stefan: What? Damon: He got Katherine to lure her out of the house (Stefan looks at Alaric) Alaric: What is it? What's wrong? Damon: He's going to use her as the vampire in the ritual Stefan: Oh, my god [A quarry] (Jenna and Elena are in separate circles of fire. Elena is looking at Jenna, who's sitting on the ground) Elena: How are you feeling? Jenna: I feel like myself... Only not. Everything is brighter. The fire's hotter. Part of me is terrified, but there's another part of me that doesn't want to feel anything Elena: Vampires can turn off the part that's human. That's the part that hurts Jenna: I'm gonna die, aren't I? Elena: No! Jenna, I'm not going to let that happen. I don't care what I have to do (They hear someone screaming) Jenna: Who's that? Elena: That must be the werewolf (Greta arrives with Jules and throws her on the ground. Jules is hurt) Jules: What's happening to me? Greta: I cast a spell to slow down your transformation. Your insides are trying to tear themselves free (She creates a third circle of fire around Jules) Elena: Greta, witches are supposed to maintain the balance in nature. It's your duty to them to keep this curse sealed Greta: My duty is to Klaus! The new order (Klaus arrives) Klaus: Glad to know I still have a dance partner (He looks at Elena, Jenna and Jules) Klaus: Hello, my lovelies. Are we ready? [Lockwood's mansion] (Matt and Caroline enter the house and close the doors. Matt looks through them) Caroline: Do you see anything? Matt: We're not safe here. If that thing wants in, it's getting in Caroline: How did you even know what I was? I compelled you to forget! Matt: I was on vervain. I faked forgetting so I could spy on you. It was your mom's idea Caroline: Wait, my mom knows?! You told her. Well, what'd she say? Matt: Your mom hates vampires. She grew up hating vampires. She'll probably always hate vampires Caroline: Well, what about you? Matt: What about me? Caroline: Where does this leave us? Matt: Stuck in this house. Trying not to get mauled to death by our friend [Salvatore' house] (Someone keeps knocking on the door) Damon: heard ya (He feels dizzy suddenly but he opens the door. It's John) Damon: Great. I was just thinking about getting a bite to eat John: Elena hasn't returned any of my calls for days. I need to see her (John enters) Damon: Well, you're a day late and a daughter short, John John: What are you talking about? Damon: Klaus has her. Sacrifice goes down tonight John: How could you let that happen? You were supposed to keep her safe. Wasn't that the sum total of your plan; to keep her safe? Damon: She is safe. I fed her my blood John: You what?! Damon: When Klaus kills Elena in the sacrifice, she will come back to life. Granted, as the thing you hate most in the world, but no one really cares what you think (John tries to punch him but Damon pushes him against the wall) Damon: You do not want to mess with me right now John: You ruined her life. You know that, right? Damon: I know, john. I took her choice, destroyed her future. Trust me, I get it. It actually gets worse John: How could it possibly get any worse? [A quarry] (Klaus gives the moonstone to Greta) Klaus: I spent 500 years looking for this. I hate to part with it Greta: The moon has passed its apex. Remember everything you need to do? Klaus: I remember (Greta throws the moonstone in bowl, destroying it) (Elena, Jenna and Jules are still in 3 separate circle of fire. Jules is still hurting and she looks at Elena) Jules: Everything I did... I was just trying to help Tyler Elena: Are you Jules? Jules: I didn't want him to be alone! (Klaus looks at her) Klaus: Shall we? (The circle of fire disappears around her. Her transformation begins so she runs but Klaus catches her and rips her heart out. Jenna and Elena are chocked) [Abandoned house] (Jeremy and Bonnie are still reading the grimoires) Bonnie: Which one are you reading? Jeremy: Emily Bennett's has a section on spells she did for my ancestor Jonathan Gilbert Bonnie: Yeah, I think she had a thing for him (He looks at her) Jeremy: There's something on a resuscitative spell she was working on Bonnie: I saw that, too. She just didn't explain what it did, exactly Jeremy: Maybe Jonathan wrote about it in his journals. You know, I can have Stefan bring them (They hear someone) Bonnie: someone's here (It's Alaric) Jeremy: Hey, what are you doing here? Alaric: Elijah and Stefan are upstairs (He looks at Bonnie) Alaric: You mind if I have a second with Jeremy? Bonnie: Sure, yeah. Of course (She leaves) Jeremy: What's the matter? Alaric: Jeremy... Something's happened to Jenna (Bonnie is outside with Elijah and Stefan) Bonnie: Why did he take Jenna? Elijah: A punishment for meddling Stefan: Klaus was going to use Tyler and Caroline but Damon rescued them Bonnie: Then we need to go. Now. Before Jenna's been sacrificed. I can kill Klaus myself Stefan: Bonnie... If you use that much power, you'll be dead. We've already been through this. It's not an option Bonnie: Neither is letting Jenna die Elijah: Well, Stefan would agree with you Stefan: We're going to offer another vampire. One that he'll want more. Me [A quarry] (Klaus is holding Jules' heart above the bowl so the blood pours in the bowl) Klaus: Tell me it's working Greta: It's working (Jenna and Elena, still in two separate circle of fire are talking) Jenna: The day that the lawyers called to tell me that I was going to become your guardian, you know what my first thought was? Isn't there someone else who can do this? Elena: Jenna, there was no one else who could have gotten me and Jeremy through all of that Jenna: It's just the thought that I almost passed up taking care of you Elena: But you didn't. You put your entire life on hold to help us Jenna: Look around, Elena. I failed you Elena: You didn't. I failed you. I'm so sorry. Listen. Being a vampire, it intensifies your guilt. But it also makes you stronger and faster. You can fight back. I'm gonna get through this. I'll be ok. I need you to believe that. Promise me, when you get the chance... Run (Jenna nods) [Lockwood's mansion] (Caroline is sitting on the couch. Matt is looking through the window) Matt: You don't think I killed him, do you? Caroline: No. No. It takes a lot more than wooden bullets To kill a werewolf. He's still out there somewhere. Do you think my mom wants to kill me? Matt: I don't think your mom knows what to do with you Caroline: Yeah, well, I don't really know what to do with me, either (They hear a noise) Matt: what is it? Caroline: Wait. Don't. Don't shoot (She rushes over the doors) Matt: What the hell are you doing? (She looks through the doors and sees Tyler, naked) Caroline: Give me your jacket Matt: What? Caroline: Your jacket, take it off (He takes his jacket off. She takes it, goes outside and puts it on Tyler. She strokes his hair. Matt is looking at them. Tyler opens his eyes) Tyler: Caroline? [Abandoned house] (Elijah and Stefan are outside) Elijah: Bonnie did a locator spell. They're at Steven's quarry Stefan: I'll head over there first and you'll follow with bonnie when it's time Elijah: Just as the moon hits its final phase. She's to stay hidden until then. He cannot know that she's alive (He looks at Stefan) Elijah: You're very honorable Stefan: Are you? Because this whole plan is, um, it's contingent upon your honor, Elijah Elijah: I won't fail you Stefan: Klaus is your brother. I know I've wanted to kill my brother a thousand times. I've never been able to Elijah: Well, Klaus was not my only brother. I had siblings; Parents. I had a family. Over the centuries, Klaus hunted them down one by one and he took them from me. He scattered them across the seas where their bodies couldn't be found Stefan: You want revenge Elijah: Sometimes there's honor in revenge, Stefan. I won't fail you Stefan: Please end this (John rejoins Bonnie and Jeremy. He has a box) John: I brought the Gilbert journals. I think I know the spell you're talking about Bonnie: Where's Damon? John: Upstairs. Alaric wanted to talk to him (Alaric and Damon are talking) Damon: He did what?! Alaric: He wasn't going to let Jenna die Damon: We have a witch. She kills Klaus. No one has to die! Alaric: Except for Bonnie (Damon punches the wall) Damon: God, Stefan, damn it! Alaric: Hey, are you ok? Damon: I'm fine. Well, that's my brother for you. Always cleaning up my messes [A quarry] Klaus: Hello, Jenna Elena: Let her go. I understand that I have to die, but she doesn't! (She gets closer to the fire) Klaus: Careful Jenna: Elena, don't Elena: No, Jenna! We can't leave Jeremy without a family (She looks at Klaus) Elena: I followed your rules; I did everything that you asked. I didn't run. Please Klaus: Well, well (He raises his head) Klaus: I don't recall you being on the guest list (Elena and Jenna raise their head. Stefan is at the top of the cliff) Stefan: I'm here to talk Klaus: Very well, then (Klaus rejoins Stefan at the top of the cliff) Klaus: What can I do for you, Mr. Salvatore? [SCENE_BREAK] [Abandoned house] (Damon is talking with John, Jeremy and Bonnie) Bonnie: We found something in the Gilbert journals John: Jonathan journaled the story of a mother who called on Emily's services. The woman's baby was sick; dying. Emily cast a spell that would bind a woman's life force with her child Damon: Skip to the save Elena part John: Well, the child died, but the mother's life force flowed through her, restoring her to life Jeremy: We already know Elena's going to come back to life but she'll be a vampire John: Not if her soul remains intact Damon: Her soul, really? You're going to put your faith in some act of god mumbo jumbo? John: I refuse to let Elena become the thing I've spent my life protecting her against. And you can call that god or mystical energy, whatever you want, but yes... I'm putting my faith in it [A quarry] (Elena and Jenna are looking at Stefan and Klaus) Jenna: What's going on? Elena: I-I don't know. You can hear them. Your senses are heightened. You can hear anything. Just focus on them (Klaus and Stefan are at the top of the cliff) Stefan: You don't need to kill Jenna. I'll take her place Klaus: Oh, I don't know. I rather appreciate the symmetry of three women- Three goddesses- Sacrificed at nature's altar Elena: What are they saying? Jenna: I can't-I can't make it out Elena: You can do this. Just relax. Focus Stefan: Don't play games with me. You'll get what you want Klaus: You're quite the hero, aren't you? I've heard that about you Stefan: Just make the trade. Me for Jenna (Jenna has heard everything) Jenna: Oh, my god Elena: What is it? Jenna: He wants to take my place [Lockwood's mansion] (Caroline closes a door and rejoins Matt) Matt: How's Tyler doing? Caroline: Sleeping. He should better by morning. He just... He needs some rest Matt: Good. So this is your life now, huh? Caroline: Never a dull moment Matt: You know, these last few days with you have been so great, and fun and so Caroline (She smiles) Matt: I-I thought that I might be able to get past this whole vampire thing Caroline: But you can. Matt... Matt: I don't know if I can, Caroline Caroline: Matt! Matt: I get it. This is your life now. You know what my life is, car? My life is an absentee mom. And a bunch of bills to pay, and school, and a job, and it sucks sometimes. But it's my life. and... I think that I just want to live it without all of this [Abandoned house] (Bonnie is casting a spell on John) Damon: Come on, bonnie, we got a hybrid to kill Bonnie: It's done Damon: That's it? Let's go (He leaves. John opens his eyes. Bonnie looks at Jeremy) Bonnie: I'll be back soon Jeremy: Wait, what do you mean? No, I'm coming. I need to be there. I need to make sure you guys are ok Bonnie: And who's going to make sure you're ok? Jeremy: I've got my own ring. Look, I'm not taking no for an answer (She kisses him. He collapses. John catches him) John: Just go. I'll stay with him (Bonnie and Damon go outside. Elijah and Alaric see them) Elijah: It's time Alaric: All right. I got the weapons in the car Elijah: Bonnie's the only weapon we need (He goes out but Alaric can't get out. He's trapped) Alaric: Bonnie! What is this? Bonnie: I can't put anyone else at risk Alaric: I can't stay here with Jenna out there! Bonnie: I'm sorry Alaric: You can't do this! Damon? Damon: Sorry, buddy. She's right Alaric: No! You can't do this (They leave. He's upset) Alaric: Bonnie! Bonnie! [A quarry] Jenna: Elena... Elena: I have to do something. This can't happen. None of it (Klaus and Stefan arrive) Klaus: Quite the predicament. You know, it's funny, All this talk about preserving family, and here's Stefan, Granting your wish Elena: Stefan... Stefan: It's okay Klaus: Well. Who's it going to be, Elena? Elena: No Klaus: Oh, don't worry. There's actually no choice (He stakes Stefan in the back) Elena: No! Stefan! No! Klaus: I have other plans for your boyfriend. I want him alive. But for now... (He punches Stefan. He falls on the floor, hurt) Klaus: Whenever you're ready, Greta (The circle of fire around Jenna disappears. He looks at her) Klaus: Your turn Elena: No, Jenna, no! (Jenna looks at her) Jenna: It's alright, Elena. I know what I have to do (She rushes over Greta and bites her but Klaus stops her and stakes her. She falls on the floor. Elena cries. Jenna looks at her) Elena: Just turn it off. Jenna. Turn it off. You won't be scared anymore (Klaus stakes her) Elena: No! Jenna! No! Jenna! No (Jenna's dead. Elena cries. Stefan wakes up; he has a piece of stake in the back. He sees Jenna and looks at Elena, whispering) Stefan: I'm so sorry (Elena whispers too) Elena: Are they going to kill him? (He nods. Klaus gets closer to her) Klaus: It's time (The circle of fire disappears. He holds his head toward Elena but she doesn't take it and goes to the altar. He rejoins her and looks at her) Klaus: Thank you, Elena Elena: Go to hell (He bites her and drinks her blood. Stefan looks at her, powerless. Elena looks at him too. Klaus releases her. She falls on the ground, she's dead) Klaus: I can feel it. It's happening. Yes, yes! (The transformation begins. But Bonnie arrives and throws him on the ground. Damon kills Greta.) Klaus: You were dead! (Bonnie uses her powers and makes him suffer. He screams. Damon carries Elena's body and lays her next to Stefan) Stefan: Elena (He looks at Damon) Stefan: I need you to get her out of here! Damon: What about you? Stefan: I'm not leaving until he's dead. Go! (Damon leaves with Elena. Bonnie is still hurting Klaus, who's screaming. She stops. Klaus is on the ground, hurt. Elijah arrives. Stefan and Bonnie are looking at them) Klaus: Elijah? Elijah: Hello, brother (He puts his arm on Klaus's chest) Elijah: In the name of our family, Nicklaus... Klaus: I didn't bury them at sea! Their bodies are safe. If you kill me, you'll never find them Stefan: Elijah! Don't listen to him Klaus: I can take you to them. I give you my word... Brother Bonnie: Do it or I'll take you both out Elijah: You'll die Bonnie: I don't care Elijah: I'm sorry (Before she can do anything, he leaves with Klaus) [Abandoned house] (Alaric, Jeremy and John are waiting. John is writing something. Jeremy is reading one of Jonathan Gilbert's journals) Alaric: we should have heard from them by now Jeremy: Did you read all this? John: I did Jeremy: So you understand what happened to the child's mother after the baby was brought back to life John: She saved her daughter. She found peace Jeremy: John... (He gets up and gives a letter to him) John: I need you to give this to Elena for me and also this (He gives him his magical ring) Alaric: Oh, hey, what's going on? (John looks at them) John: Take care of each other. Please (They hear a noise upstairs) Alaric: I think they're here! (Damon lays Elena on a couch. She's still dead) Damon: If you come back as a vampire, I'll stake you myself. So don't (He strokes her face) Damon: Because I can't stand the idea of you hating me forever (Alaric and Jeremy arrive) Jeremy: How is she? Damon: I don't know yet Alaric: What about Jenna? (Damon looks at him but doesn't say anything) Alaric: No Damon: I'm sorry, Jeremy (John looks at them and goes outside. Elena wakes up) Damon: Elena! Elena: What happened? Damon: How do you feel? Elena: I feel fine (John looks at them. He takes a breath, closes his eyes and then collapses) [Lockwood mansion] (Caroline is sitting next to Tyler on the couch. He wakes up and he's hurt) Caroline: Ooh, yeah, you got shot but it's healing Tyler: You were right. I shouldn't have come home Caroline: No, you just... Should have never left. And you shouldn't leave again Tyler: You're kidding, right? This is the second time I've tried to kill you Caroline: Well, no friendship is perfect. Matt broke up with me Tyler: I'm sorry Caroline: Yeah, well, you know, instead of just bailing on me again, you could just say... "Thank you, Caroline, for taking care of me. And I'm sorry that I tried to chow down on you again. " (She cries) Tyler: Hey. Hey. Come here (He embraces her) Tyler: Thank you, Caroline. For taking care of me Caroline: You're welcome [Gilbert's house] (Damon and Stefan are in suits) Stefan: We all set? Damon: Yeah. Plenty of room with the gilbert family plot, and I compelled two of the grave diggers to do the dirty work. How's she doing? Stefan: She lost the only parents she had. She's in shock (Elena is wearing a black dress. She's getting ready and looking at pictures of her parents and Jenna. Jeremy rejoins her. He's wearing a suit) Elena: I'm almost ready Jeremy: Take your time (He gives her John's letter) Jeremy: John wanted me to give you this. And this (He gives her John's magical ring) Elena: Jeremy... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that you've lost so many people Jeremy: I still have you (They embrace each other. Then he leaves her alone. She sits down next to her window and starts reading John's letter) John: "Elena... it's no easy task being an ordinary parent to an extraordinary child. I failed in that task." [A cemetery] (Alaric, Stefan, Bonnie, Caroline, Damon, Jeremy and Elena are all looking at a grave. Elena's holding 4 roses) John: "And because of my prejudices, I failed you. I'm haunted by how things might have played out differently. If I'd been more willing to hear your side of things." (She puts two roses on the grave) John: "for me, it's the end. For you, a chance to grow old and someday do better with your own child than I did with mine. It's for that child that I give you my ring." (Elena goes in front of her parent's tombstone. She cries and puts two roses on the ground) John: ""I don't ask for your forgiveness or for you to forget. I ask only that you believe this. Whether you are now reading this as a human or as a vampire, I love you all the same as I've always loved you, and always will. John. " (She looks at Damon and then gets up. She's still crying. She rejoins Jeremy, Bonnie and Caroline. Damon leaves. Stefan rejoins him) Stefan: We're going to head back to the house Damon: I think I'll skip the coffee and tea cakes Stefan: Damon, she needs us right now. All of us Damon: And then what's the plan, Stefan? The curse is broken. How does one go about killing an all-powerful wolf vamp and his two-faced older brother? Stefan: I have no idea Damon: You need to get an idea. Fast Stefan: We will. I'm not going to let Elena lose anybody else Damon: I wouldn't make any promises, brother Stefan: What's that supposed to mean? (Damon shows him the werewolf bite) Damon: Tyler Lockwood bit me. It's actually more of a nip, really, but there it is Stefan: We'll find something. A cure Damon: There's no cure, Stefan Stefan: We kept Elena human, right? We found the way when there was no way. Hey. I will do this Damon: You want to do something for me? Keep this from Elena. Last thing she needs is another grave to mourn (He leaves alone. Stefan looks at him)

Matt and Caroline are in the Lockwood cellar while Tyler, in wolf form, attacks them, and they hide. Meanwhile, Greta the witch feeds Jenna her blood, completing Jenna's transformation into a vampire. Elijah is revealed to be seeking revenge on Klaus for killing his family and burying their bodies at sea. Klaus begins the ritual and kills Jules, the werewolf. Stefan offers to switch places with Jenna, but Klaus refuses and kills her. Bonnie performs a spell that can bring someone back to life by joining two people's souls, binding John and Elena. At the ritual grounds, Klaus drains Elena's blood and begins to transform. However, Bonnie uses her powers to weaken him while Damon kills Greta. Before Elijah can rip out his heart, Klaus says he didn't bury the bodies at sea and if he is killed, Elijah will never find them. Elijah listens to him and flees with Klaus. When Elena comes back to life, John dies. At Jenna's and John's funeral, Damon reveals to Stefan that he was bitten by Tyler and asks him to not tell Elena.

fd_Angel_02x08

fd_Angel_02x08_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Kate to Angel: "What are you?" Angel: "You already know the answer, Kate." Kate: "I'm glad we're not playing friends anymore." Shot of the vampire bite on the side of her dad's neck. Angel: "I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for everything you can't handle!" Angel: "That's her! That's Darla. They brought her back." Darla: "This is no life, Angel! My boy is still in there and he wants out!" White cop: "I'm telling you this creep knows what happened. He's playing us." Black cop: "Maybe. He's got mental problems." White cop: "I don't care about that. We got one body already - and if *she* dies..." Black cop: "If she dies, he's all yours." They walk back into the interrogation room. There is a dark haired man, wearing a dark jacket sitting slumped over at the table, his face buried in one arm lying on the table. Black cop: "We can help you. Tell us what you know and we send you back down to holding. (The man doesn't move) Stay quiet and my partner here will dent your skull." White cop bangs his hands on the table: "Hey! You listening?" Black cop: "My guess is you got yourself involved in something a little bigger than you expected. You got scared, you panicked, and in the end there was an officer on the floor. (Still nothing) Not to mention the body without a head. - Do yourself a favor and..." The Guy finally straightens up and bangs a fist on the table. It's Wesley. Wesley: "She shouldn't have been there. She didn't know! - I had to warn him. He didn't know what he was getting into. None of them did. If they'd known of them wouldn't... (Looks at the black cop) You didn't bring it here, did you? (Looks to the side, then gives a relieved smile) No. No, then it'd be too late for all of us. (Looks down at the table) He grabbed her hard - very hard. (Looks at the black cop) I'm quite good with the ladies myself, you know." Black cop: "Just tell us what happened." Wesley: "It all went horribly wrong." Blend into a blonde body slipping to the floor, released by a vamp-faced Angel with blood on his lips, blinking his eyes rapidly. Intro. Back on Wesley staring straight ahead. Wesley: "None of us knew the effect it would have - until it was too late. - I tried to stop him - but I got hit... and I fell... and when I looked up - he had her. He was holding her, then - she was on the floor. - If we'd found out sooner, I would have stopped him. I would have." Black cop leans into Wesley's face: "Stopped who?" Wesley: "He should never have *been* there! Of all people he should never... You don't tell *him* what to do. He's the boss." White cop: "The boss?" Wesley: "He helps people, you know? - When he's not in trouble himself. Cordy and I tried to get him out of there. She was with me. (Looks up) Oh God. - Cordelia?" The Hyperion lobby. Wesley: "What happened to your hair?" Cordy touches her now shoulder-length. black hair: "Excuse me?" Wesley: "Your hair. It's new... - it's great! (Cordy smiles) When did this happen?" Cordy, smile gone: "Ten days ago." Wesley: "Of course! I didn't want to embarrass you by..." Cordy: "...noticing? - Nice suit." Wesley: "I was just on my way out to..." Cordy: "...yet another glamorous, celebrity filled gala with Miss Virginia Bryce? (Pretends to yawn)" Wesley: "Have you seen Angel? I thought I might check on him. He doesn't seem to be doing much with his time lately." Cordy: "Au contraire. His day is packed. Brood about Darla. Brood about Darla. Lunch! -followed by a little Darla brooding." Wesley: "Right. Enough is enough. (Moves towards the stairs) I'm gonna march up there and tell him just that." Wesley stops, staring at the stairs. Cordy: "Nice posturing!" Wesley: "Thank you!" Cordy: "Anyway he's not there. Gunn's cousin got involved in something pretty big. Big meaning illegal. So Angel and Gunn went to see if they could help." Wesley: "That's good! He's getting out. Something I'm gonna do myself right now." Cordy: "A-huh, time to traipse off to your shallow, soul-sucking Hollywood party?" Wesley: "Premier, actually. And - I happen to have an extra ticket..." Cordy with a smile: "Who does shallow better than me?" Puts her hand on his arm as they leave together. Gunn and Angel are leaning against the hood of Angel's convertible looking at the black kid standing in front of them. Lester: "He's cool, right?" Gunn: "He's cool." Lester: "You know, not that I'm prejudiced. I just hate vampires." Angel: "You're enlightened, I can tell." Lester: "See? See how they do? See man? They-they mess with your mind, man! That's the whole reason I called you, G..." Gunn: "...is 'cause you got a vampire problem, and Angel has a little experience in that area. (Lester stares at Angel) Yo, spill it! We ain't got all night." Lester: "I-I sort of said I'd take this job drivin..." Gunn: "A-huh." Lester: "...for that big time crew. I never met them but E. J. vouched for me, and now I'm thinking..." Gunn: "...you'd like to stay out of prison." Lester: "Well, yeah, there is that. Then-then I heard they were bringin' in this-this psycho vampire from Vegas. And like I said, man..." Angel: "What's the job?" Lester: "Takin' off some museum. Don't know which one." Angel: "What are they after?" Lester: "Something big. Supernatural. It's going down later this week, but I'm supposed to meet the head honcho tonight, and if I don't show... E. J. said if they don't hunt me down and kill me he will!" Gunn: "Where's the meet?" Lester looks around then pulls out a piece of paper. Both Gunn and Angel reach for it, but Gunn is the one that gets it. Angel: "Psycho vampire got a name?" Lester: "Yeah, uh, E.J. said it-it's something like, uh, Jee-don, or Joe-don..." Angel: "Jay-don." Lester: "Yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah, he's comin' here for the meetin' tonight. They're picking him up." Angel: "Where?" Lester: "Downtown bus, midnight. (To Gunn) Hey, what am I gonna do?" Gunn: "Take the meeting. I'll get you out before the crime goes down." Lester hugs Gunn: "I owe you big time, cous. Hey, man! (To Angel) *Nice* to meet you. (Laughs. To Gunn) See you!" Hurries off. Gunn looking at the paper: "You know this Jay-don bloodsucker?" Angel: "I know of him." Gunn: "And?" Angel: "And he's a player, big on the nightlife and way too dangerous for you. I'll take it from here." Gunn: "You'll what? - That's my cousin's life we're talking about." Angel takes the paper away from Gunn and reads it: "Which I don't want you jumping in this thing, guns-a-blazing." Gunn: "Since when do I take orders from you?" Angel: "Since I'm paying you." Gunn: "This ain't no paying gig. I brought it to you." Angel: "And I'm taking it from here. If I can shut it down, great. If not, I'll protect him." Gunn: "And what am I supposed to do? Sit home and knit?" Angel: "I could use a sweater. - Something dark." Angel gets into his car and drives off as Gunn shakes his head. Angel's car pulls up in front of the Hyperion. A blonde walks through Angel's dimly lit suite. Angel walks in, sees her back. Angel: "Darla?" Kate: "You expecting her? Because that would really cut down on my legwork." Angel: "What are you doing here?" Kate: "Well, there is that little thing about a murder she was involved in? You remember, a few weeks ago a guy got his throat ripped out? I'm sure you're gonna tell me she's innocent." Angel just walks past her, not answering. Kate: "Maybe not. I don't suppose you'd testify against her in a blindingly sunny court of law?" Angel: "I don't suppose you have a search warrant?" Kate pulls out a wooden cross, the end of it's long beam sharpened into a stake. Kate: "Well, I knew I forgot something." Angel: "Darla's not here. I don't know where she is." Kate: "I will find her, Angel, you can be sure of that. And when I do, she's toast." Angel: "She's human now, remember?" Kate: "Toast with life in prison." Angel: "Listen, Kate, (He steps closer, she holds her cross up, and he gives a chuckle) there are forces at work here that you know nothing about." Kate: "Gathering storm, is it?" Angel: "Which you don't want to get caught in." Kate: "You afraid I'll get hurt?" Angel: "No. I'm afraid you'll get killed. - I'm just telling you this so you won't." Kate: "Me dead. - I guess I'd kind of be like you then, wouldn't I? - You think I'm gonna stand by while you and your playmate finish the game?" Angel: "Lets try this one more time, huh? (Sends her cross flying (it sticks in the wall) and grabs a hold of her) You get stuck between me and Darla, it'll be the last thing you ever do." Kate: "Let go of me!" He does. They look at each other for a moment then she turns and walks out. Cordy, a big red stain down the front of her white blouse, walks into the lobby, followed by Wesley. Wesley: "Really, the stain - it's hardly noticeable!" Angel sees Cordy: "What happened?" Cordy: "It's not blood it's cocktail sauce, courtesy of Mr. Star-schmoozer here." Angel: "I mean to your head. Your - your hair. (She gives him a look) It looks great. (Chuckles) When did this happen?" Wesley: "Ten days ago! Pay attention." Cordy looks at Wesley, gives a short laugh then steps around the reception counter. Angel: "Why doesn't anybody tell me any of this stuff..." Wesley: "We had a little mishap. With the little shrimp - and the sauce - and her dress." Angel: "You were at a party." Cordy popping her head up from under the counter: "You know, party, soiree, night of a thousand humiliations..." Wesley: "I spilled it on her in front of Mr. Fat Chow - Chow..." Cordy pops up above the counter: "Chow Yun Fat!" then ducks back under it. Angel: "What, you met Chow Yun Fat?!" Wesley: "How did it go with Gunn's cousin?" Angel: "Fine. A group of... (looks towards the counter) Cordelia?" Cordy: "Listening." Angel: "Uh, a group of thieves is planning to steal something from a local museum. Probably something with mystical power, which means something we really don't want them to have." Wesley: "Indeed! Do you know which museum they will be targeting?" Angel: "No. Gunn's cousin didn't know. He's just the driver." Wesley: "We should find out which museums in the area have recent acquisitions. This is wonderful! (Gives a big grin) You're - You're on a case! You're back." Angel blinks his eyes as Cordy pops back up from under the counter, now wearing a black top. Cordy: "Yeah! It'll be just like old times, right Angel? Meeting evil, face to face - kicking evil's booty! Wes and I'll crank up the research machine and you'll... - What will you do again?" Angel: "They're bringing a vampire in from Las Vegas tonight. His name is Jay-don. He's got a rep. If he's involved it's a big heist." Wesley: "I've heard of him. Isn't he a..." Cordy: "...deadly killer?" Wesley: "Well, that, of course. I was about to say a loud, flashy sort of character." Angel: "Well, he ran with the whole Sinatra rat-pack thing. Never got over it. You know, I think I'll meet his bus." Cordy: "And take his place? (Claps him on the shoulder) Great plan, boss! (Angel turns to look at her and she steps back to stand beside Wesley) What better way to get your mind off... things we don't even need to... (To Wesley) How loud and flashy?" Wesley: "I believe he is quite the extrovert." They turn together to look at Angel. Cordy: "Hmm..." Angel after a beat: "What?" Wesley: "Oh, I-I'm sure you can pull it off. You're - colorful." Bus pulls into the downtown station. A guy wearing dark pants and a red jacket dust himself off and adjusts his sunglasses. Angel laughing, comes up behind him. Angel: "This is such an honor! I'm a big fan, you know? (Bounces up and down) When the boss said that Jay-don was coming in I was just like "Whoa, wow!" Hey, can I see the glasses?" Angel reaches for them, but Jay-don wards him off. Jay-don: "No one touches the glasses or the hair, doll." Angel laughs: "Yeah, right, doll! You got it. That's cool. Oh, oh, I'm supposed to ask you something (bounces up and down) Oh, what is it? (Hits his forehead with one hand) Oh, god, what is it? (Pulls his hand down) Oh, yeah. (Looks around and licks his lips and crunches up his face) What's the password, huh?" Jay-don: "There is no password." Angel: "Oh, (stretches his right hand straight down, triggering the stake hidden up his sleeve and stakes Jay-don while taking the glasses off his face and putting them on) Just checking." A bus driver checks to make sure the bus is secured. After he leaves a demon with long black hair and an ugly white face with red lesions steps up and crouches down to check the door to the busses cargo compartment. Demon: "Jay-don." Angel, wearing a puke-green shirt, blue jacket and Jay-don's sunglasses comes up behind him and answers with a fake New York accent: "What, you think I'm traveling luggage? Hey, how you doing? You look sharp. That plastic surgeon, he give you a big rebate?" Demon: "Let's go. The car is over here." Angel: "Yeah, you know, the trip was fabo. (Pats the side of the bus) I love flying coach. (Sees the car and takes off his glasses) And what is that piece of junk?" We see an old, somewhat beat up station wagon. Demon: "You're funny, vampire." Angel: "Whoa, whoa, we need to talk, bro. Two things bringin' in the chicks (puts on his glasses) the do' (adjusts his jacket) and the ride." Demon: "Get in." Angel: "I hope I don't see anybody I know." The station wagon pulls up in front of a garage. A spiny demon looks out of the little window at Angel and Ugly getting out of the car. Spiny motions to a human wearing a security guard uniform: "He's got him!" Guard looks out: "Ah, vampires wig me." Spiny: "You feel like a meal?" Ugly slides the door open and Angel steps in, taking off his glasses. Angel to Guard: "Don't tell me you must be (Indicates his nametag) Bob, the security guard. (Steps up to Spiny) and you're a great big - monster, aren't you?" Ugly slides the door shut: "This is Jay-don. - He talks too much." Angel: "I'm a people person. (To Spiny) I like the shirt. Where'd you get that, at Ed's big and spiny?" Spiny: "He's funny. You're funny. You'll be even funnier when I crush your head." Angel: "Funny 'ha, ha' or funny peculiar?" Ugly: "Shut up, all of you!" Bob: "Hey, I wasn't talking." Ugly looks around: "Where is Lester?" Angel: "Yeah, where is Lester? We can't get the ball rolling without Lester! Who's Lester?" Bob: "The driver?" Ugly: "He should've already been here. I don't like this." Bob: "Hey, he's E. J.'s guy. He'll show." Angel: "I hate waiting. (Eyes Bob) You got anybody to eat around here?" Bob backs away from him. A car door slams outside. Ugly: "Finally." Angel: "What kind of name is Lester anyways, huh? Norwegian? Finnish?" Ugly slides open the door as Gunn comes up to it. Ugly: "What took you so long?" Gunn: "What took me so long is I'm a professional. (Angel turns to look at him) I had to case the neighborhood, make sure no cops followed me. (Sees Angel) Looks like I'm the last one at the party." Ugly, Spiny and Bob are standing around a table. Angel and Gunn are leaning against something a little ways away. Angel quietly: "I told you I'd handle this." Gunn: "And I told you I don't take orders." Ugly looks over at them: "Something wrong?" Gunn: "Depends. (Motions at Angel) Do we all got to wear these ugly ass shirts? (Angel looks at his shirt) Is this, you know, a team thing? Because, you know, I got my pride. (Steps up to the table) So what are we looking for? Ming-somethings? Egyptian-somethings?" Ugly: "The Shroud of Rahmon. Worth about 2 million on the black market. - Do you want to pay attention now?" Angel and Gunn glance at each other. Gunn to Ugly: "You got my undivided." Ugly points to a map lying on the table. Ugly: "This is the access door. Bob turns off the alarm at 2:40. We enter, take this hall to the elevator, where we meet Bob at 2:45. We all go down together. - This is the vault where they keep it. The vault has a lock code known only by the curator. That means we have to blow it. Now, the door *has* no alarm, but the vault itself has its own system - a thermal sensor." Bob: "Any change in temperature will set off the alarm." Angel: "Guess that's where I come in, huh?" Gunn: "Oh, no body heat. I guess that comes with the no soul thing, huh?" Ugly: "Jay-don enters, he goes to the control box in the back and disarms it. - Then we're in." Angel: "How big is the case?" Ugly: "Big. (Opens a book and points to an illustration) It's made of consecrated wood, the edges are sealed with gold. Inside the box is lined with lead. It weighs about a ton. It's gonna take all of us just to lift it." Spiny: "I can handle my end. I'm not so sure about him." Bob: "Hey, I can handle my side." Gunn: "Yeah, maybe with a forklift." Bob: "You want a piece of me, huh?" Bob lunges across the table at Gunn but Angel pushes him back. Angel: "Hey, hey, take it easy, huh? (Points at Gunn) This guy here is a troublemaker. Alright, I know a Vajnu demon, professional driver, never opens up his mouth." Gunn: "Yeah, and I know a vampire that better shut his!" Ugly watches Angel and Gunn Angel: "Hey, guys, I apologize. This is something (hits Gunn and grabs him) that I should just take outside!" Ugly pulls out to guns and aims them at Angel and Gunn: "I've got a problem with that." Spiny: "So do I." Angel lets go of Gunn: "You expect me to spend the rest of this week with this clown?" Ugly: "No, just the rest of the night. We're not waiting. We're doing this now." Gunn: "Tonight?" Ugly: "And no one leaves my sight until it's over. - Anybody tries, they get a bullet from me or (motions towards Spiny) a stake from him." Cordy is surfing the net. Cordy: "Museums, museums. Okay, we've got the Moca. We've got the Lacma. Uh, the Gene Autry! (Wesley gives her a look) Well, it could be a magical stuffed horse!" Wesley: "Let's assume not, and try Natural History." Cordy: "Okay, here we go. Site map - membership - museum shop... don't they have a section like - things you might want to steal?" Wesley: "Click on recent acquisitions. Right there. There!" Cordy: "I got it! Jeez, back seat surfer!" Wesley: "Angel should've been back by now." Cordy: "Maybe the meeting ran late. (Points at screen) Could it be a collection of Chelicerate arthropods?" Wesley: "Keep going. - Hold it. 'On the third of this month, museum research department received the Shroud of Rahmon from a tomb recently unearthed by University of New Mexico archeologists.'" Cordy: "Okay. Two words I don't like right off the bat: tomb and unearthed. People, you've got to leave your tombs earthed!" Wesley: "Shroud of Rahmon. Have you ever heard of it?" Cordy: "I'm not big on shrouds. They're an after you die outfit." Wesley: "Get everything you can from the museum database, I'll hit the books." A big white van with 'Rehak Moving and Storage' stenciled on the side backs up to the dock at the back of the museum. Gunn and Ugly get out of the cab and Spiny and Angel get out of the back. Angel: "The driver should stay with the truck. Just in case somebody shows up." Ugly pulls a door open, revealing that the latch has been taped over with masking tape to keep it from locking. Ugly: "We need him inside." Spiny follows Ugly inside. Gunn taps Angel on the arm. Gunn: "Hey, don't hit me again." Angel takes off his glasses, quietly: "I was trying to protect you." Gunn: "And I appreciate that. (Hits Angel with a hard right) Don't do it again." Gunn walks in and Angel follows, putting his glasses back on. They meet up with Bob and ride the elevator down. Bob: "We have one minute before Earl makes his rounds. (To Spiny) You don't have to hit him hard." Spiny smiles. Angel looks over at Gunn, who meets his eyes for a moment then looks straight ahead. They walk down the hallway. Spiny darts ahead into an alcove. Bob swipes his card through a security scanner. Earl comes up around a corner of the hallway, whistling, and Ugly pulls his gun and grabs Bob from behind. Bob: "They got me, Earl!" Before Earl can react, Spine come up behind him and throws him into the wall. As he steps up to hit him again Angel catches his arm. Angel: "You kill him, cops will be all over us. We have to do this clean." Spiny pulls free and stares at Angel, but makes no move towards Earl. Ugly throws a roll of duct tape towards Bob, who catches it. Ugly: "Tape him. (To the others) Let's go." They come up to the vault door and Ugly lays one hand against it. Spiny: "Come on! Come on. Hurry up and blow it!" Ugly is drilling a hole in the door, while Angel sprays water to cool the drill. Gunn is assembling the trigger. He and Angel stare at each other. [SCENE_BREAK] A police cruiser pulls up in front of a police station. White cop points at a picture lying in front of him on the desk: "This one is a security guard at the Southern California Museum of Natural History. His name is Robert Skale. He's got a record. Small-timer. The other one (points at Ugly standing in the picture beside Bob) may or may not be one M. James Menlo, who likes to crack bank vaults. Our guess is they're putting together a heist, probably at the museum. (Pulls out another photograph) And we picked up this one earlier tonight. We couldn't make this guy until we ran him past Carlson. He said you knew him. (The picture shows Ugly picking up Angel at the bus station.) He's out of the scope of our investigation, but, uh, Carlson said you might be interested." The camera pans up from the hands holding the photo to Kate's face. Kate: "I'm interested." Ugly is taking a small glass bottle filled with yellow liquid out of a padded box, his hand shaking a little, and moves to insert it into the hole drilled into the door. Spiny: "You're taking too long!" Everyone jumps. Gunn: "Spine-man, chill. All right? This is nitro. The last thing I want is my body parts mixed up with yours!" Spiny: "We should have been in the vault by now." Ugly turns to yell at him: "Shut up! (The nitro slips from his fingers) No!" Angel stretches out his foot and softly catches the bottle so it comes to rest on top of his boot. Angel: "Allow me." Balancing on one foot he slowly reaches down, takes the bottle and inserts it into the door. With all of them standing around the corner of the corridor, Ugly blows the lock out of the door. Wesley walks into the lobby reading from a book. Wesley: "The shroud was woven by the head priest, said to have been driven mad by the demon himself. Once Rahmon was defeated the priest dyed the shroud with the blood of seven virgin women sacrificed on the first full moon. Then laid it upon Rahmon's body in order to prevent his resurrection." Cordy: "Why is it always virgin women who have to do the sacrificing?" Wesley: "For purity, I suppose." Cordy: "This has nothing to do with purity. This is all about dominance, buddy. You can bet if someone ordered a male body part for religious sacrifice the world would be atheist (snaps her fingers) like that." Wesley: "The shroud supposedly absorbed Rahmon's power." Cordy: "So, he who has the shroud has the power. You said Rahmon was a drive-you-mad kind of fella?" Wesley reading: "Mmmm..." Cordy: "I hate it when you do that." Wesley: "Once in 1803 the shroud was removed from its casing." Cordy: "And yuckiness ensued?" Wesley: "Well, yes. The entire population of El Encanto went insane, mothers and children hacking one another to pieces, men roaming the streets like rabid dogs..." He turns the page to continue but Cordy stops him. Cordy: "I get the picture. - So in order to take his mind off the torment that is Darla, we sent Angel after a box that makes you crazy." Wesley: "Worst case scenario, we warn Angel off it before they steal the shroud." Cordy: "Just as soon as he comes back - unless of course - they're stealing it right now." They look at each other, then run for the door. Angel enters the vault with Ugly closing the door again behind him. The big box from the book is sitting in the middle of it. As Angel passes it we hear some low whispering and see something come over Angel. He takes a deep breath and turns towards the box, eyes wide open. For a moment his eyes turn yellow as if he was about to change, but Angel shakes it off with some effort and his eyes turn brown again. Spiny is pacing outside the vault while everyone stares at the door. Bob: "This shroud is gonna make us rich! I can feel it. Can you feel it? This is gonna be amazing!" Angel looks past the coffin towards the control box, then down at the coffin. Steps closer to look down into it through a square glass window over the place where the demon's face has imprinted itself onto the shroud. He morphs into his vamp face. Gunn calling through the door: "How's it going in there?" Angel morphs back to human and stares straight in front of him. Angel: "Everything's fine." Angel walks to the control box and yanks out some wires. A light outside the vault goes off and Ugly comes in wearing a smile. The others follow. Gunn: "I feel something weird in here." Spiny: "Humans always got to *feel* something about everything. And they always got to tell you about it. 'I'm so happy - I'm so sad - I'm so scared.' Makes me sick." Angel: "Oh, now, I like it when they're scared! Makes them taste kind of - salty." Spiny gets right into Angel's face: "Did I ask for your opinion, you overgrown leech?" Angel squirms away from him: "Oh, please! Altoids, aisle 4!" Ugly: "We don't have time for this! - Let's get it and go." We hear the indistinct whispering in the background as Gunn stares down at the image of the demon through the glass square. Gunn: "When are they gonna start making some pretty demons?" Ugly: "On the count of three - 1..." They all take a hold of the box and Gunn notices that Angel's eyes have gone yellow again. Gunn: "You about to turn or something?" Angel: "No." Ugly: "2" Gunn quietly: "You don't look like 'no.'" Angel: "Shut up and lift, Lester!" Gunn: "Don't give me orders, Elvis!" Ugly: "3." They all strain and lift the box up together. Wesley pulls open the taped backdoor and he and Cordy enter. Wesley: "So it is tonight. They must be somewhere (some wave rolls over them) inside. Oh, I'm sorry - I'm - I'm feeling a little..." Cordy: "Me too. I think it's the altitude." Wesley: "Right. The altitude here at sea level." They both crack up laughing. Wesley: "Let's - let's not lose focus." Cordy: "Maybe we should split up." Wesley: "Ah, no, too dangerous. We - we better stick together." Cordy: "Right." And with that they both go their separate ways. A slick silver car pulls up to the back of the museum. Kate: "This is detective Lockley requesting backup. Got a possible 4-5-9 in progress at the museum of natural history." Kate gets out of her car, pulls her gun and walks up to the museum. The group is carrying the heavy coffin down the corridor. Angel: "Try holding up your corner, Les." Gunn: "Who died and made you corner monitor?" Spiny: "Are you two gonna get married or what?" Gunn: "Same old story. Vampires always pushing people around. Think the world is theirs." Ugly: "From what I've seen of this world they can have it." Bob: "Well, I visited Topkapi once." Gunn is staring at Angel, who's staring back at him. Gunn: "Nothing but take, take, take - take your blood, take your sister!" Spiny: "Somebody shut that human up!" Gunn: "You want to take somebody, huh? (Lets go of his corner of the coffin) Lets see you take me!" Bob: "It's slipping!" Ugly: "Don't drop it!" Spiny: "Hold it! Hold it!" Gunn tackles Angel and the box drops to the ground. The glass cracks and a purple mist seeps out. Bob: "Oops." Angel had Gunn by the throat and is pushing him up against the wall. Angel: "You know I'm getting pretty tired of this 'vampires killed my sister so now I'm all entitled' song. Don't you know anything else, like say MacArthur Park?" Gunn: "Get your hands off my throat." Again there is an indistinct whispering in the background. Angel: "Ah, ah, ah! You're gonna play nice? - Huh?" Gunn: "Cool." Angel lets go of Gunn and he drops back to his feet. Ugly: "We can't leave it here, we have to move it! Someone else will come along! Lets move it!" Gunn pulls out a stake and attacks Angel from behind. Angel bats the stake aside and kicks him into the wall. Spiny: "Kill him. Kill the human! Kill it!" Angel cocks back his fist to strike Gunn again, but hears Ugly cock his gun and freezes, then takes a step back. Ugly lays the gun on the coffin. Ugly: "Case." Bob pulls a rope out of Ugly's bag. The whispering is still going on. Bob: "All righty, partners, it's roping time! Tonight I will be playing the part of the poor defenseless calf. Who gets to be the cowboy?" Ugly takes the rope and starts to tie the guys hands behind his back. Bob: "Just make it tight. Okay, cowboy? It's got to be tight. It's got to look real. Ha, ha, ha! I'm not the bad guy, I'm the good guy!" Angel: "I'm the good guy - no wait - the bad guy!" Ugly moves towards the coffin: "Pick it up!" Bob: "No, wait. You've got to hit me. - Look, somebody's gotta hit me! Come on, man, you got to hit me. Do it. Come on, make it real!" Spiny walks over to him and twists his head right off, making Gunn flinch. Spiny to Bob's head: "Looks real to me." He drops the head and moves back to his end of the coffin. Kate comes down some steps in the museum, gun in hand. A shadow flies across and she aims her gun at it while continuing down the steps. The shadow flies across above her, she spins around, firing in the air and knocking Wesley to the ground in the process. Kate: "Where is Angel?" Wesley: "Angel? - Right. (Picks himself up and looks around) That's why I'm here - to warn Angel about - something (points at Kate and takes a deep breath) important! - Your hair!" Kate: "You're here to warn Angel about my hair." Wesley: "It's blonde!" There is a whoosh and he reaches up to his head in pain. Wesley: "The shroud! He's got to know about the shroud! It will make everybody - it makes everybody - act differently!" Cordy is admiring her reflection in a glass case. Cordy: "My teeth are so - big! I - am - pleasant." Wesley: "We have to hurry before it's to late." There is a whooshing sound again and Kate spins around, then grabs the bridge of her nose. Wesley: "I noticed your hair right away." Taking a deep breath Kate drops her hand and turns back to him. She looks around but he is nowhere to be seen. Cordy sees a gray puppet wearing a Native American costume. Cordy: "Oh. Hello, plastic person. You're all by you're lonesome in here. (Sees its necklace) So, (Whispers) I guess you won't be needing this." She takes the necklace off then puts it around her own neck. Angel, Gunn, Ugly and Spiny carry the heavy coffin out of the elevator. Ugly: "Fingerprints!" Angel: "What are you doing?" Ugly: "We left fingerprints!" Angel: "What are you doing?!" Ugly lets go of his corner snatches up a rag from his bag and starts to frantically wipe at the walls of the elevator. Ugly: "They'll find us. They'll take it away!" Angel: "Forget him. Keep going." Ugly: "No fingerprints!" The move a little ways further down the hall. Gunn: "I got to put it down." Spiny: "Huh?" Gunn: "I got to put it down!" Spiny: "See? Stinking humans, good for nothing!" Angel: "Try to keep going." Gunn: "I can't. I can't. My head - it's full of flies!" Gunn sets his corner down, grabs his head and backs against the wall. Gunn: "Get away from it. Get away from it!" Spiny moves to the side of the box: "I don't need any of you." Angel to Gunn: "What's wrong now - son, huh? Getting a little tired? Little backache? A little toothache? (The whispering gets louder, Angel's eyes go yellow again, and he lifts a hand to his head) What...?" Wesley comes stumbling along the wall of the corridor. Wesley: "Angel? Thank God I found you (Angel turns to look at him, eyes still yellow) in time. Is it in time?" Angel: "Wesley?" Wesley: "Yes! I had a message for you. And the message was... (hits his hand with his fist) the shroud! The shroud, very dangerous. It makes people - bad! Although it's amazing how good I feel!" Angel grabs him by the front of his shirt and pushes him down the corridor. Angel: "Wesley, get out!" Wesley: "Is that Gunn? What's he doing here? I never thought of him as the museum type." Angel: "Wesley - Wesley..." Kate whips around the corner aiming her gun at them: "Police! Nobody move!" Angel squints at her with his yellow eyes. Angel: "Wow! - Look at you - rushing in here all by yourself! You're the best cop ever." Spiny: "Too many humans." Angel: "Excuse me that is *my* girl." Kate aiming her gun at Angel: "Stay back." Angel: "Whoo! Okay. (Laughs) You got me. My life of crime is over. (Spiny watches as Angel, hands up in the air slowly steps closer to Kate) I'm going down. But first - a little impression. (Laughs) I'm a cop- with a mission to protect the innocent and rain on everybody's parade and obsessed about my father's death and bother people who are about to steal things!" Wesley: "Angel..." Angel spins around, knocking Wesley into the wall, then turns back to Kate. Angel: "Oh - Katie - what are you so afraid of? - Is it this? (Morphs into vamp face) Is it the part where I'm gonna kill you? Because I got to tell you I love that in a woman!" Kate shoots at him, but he rushes her, grabs her, pointing her gun up at the ceiling and sinks his fangs into the side of her neck. The swat team Kate called in for back up enters the museum through the taped backdoor, guns at the ready, and spread out to search the museum. Two of them find Wesley crouched over a motionless Kate. Swat: "Don't move! Police!" Wesley: "Oh, I-I didn't..." Swat: "*Don't* move. Stay where you are." The swat guy leans in closer and sees the bite mark on the side of Kate's neck. Swat: "Oh my God!" Wesley: "Kate, come on. Wake up!" Swat to walkie-talkie: "We have an officer down." The other swat guy pulls Wesley off of Kate rather roughly. The moving van crashes into one of the cars parked in the lot in front of the garage. Gunn, Angel, Ugly and Spiny carry in the coffin with Angel chuckling maniacally. They set it down. Gunn to Angel: "You drank her. - Animal! You drank that cop!" Spiny: "What now?" Ugly: "Open it." Angel: "Oh, that's genius! Good thing we didn't think about that back at the ol' museum and miss out on all this *swell* heavy lifting!" Ugly: "Open it! There is a catch." Ugly runs his hands along the coffin's lid, but Spiny just punches his fist through the glass window, rips the lid right off and throws it aside. Gunn: "That works too." The whispering gets louder and is now joined by some laughter and a soft whooshing sound as the four of them step closer to the coffin and look at the shroud wrapped body inside. Angel looks slightly wigged, Gunn is smiling. Ugly is shaking and reaches for the shroud. Ugly: "I got it! I got it!" Spiny pushes him away from the coffin: "No! No! You don't know what this means. You have no idea what this is about. It belongs to my people. (Hits himself on the chest) MY people." Gunn: "Your people? I didn't see none of your people when we was hauling this thing!" Angel: "Hey, fellas! Fellas! - Cool your jets, alright? There is plenty here for all of (he hesitates and we hear that whooshing sound) me!" Each of them grabs a hold of one corner of the shroud and tries to pull it away from the others. Angel: "Okay, how does this work, huh? Huh? The person with the biggest piece gets their wish?" Ugly: "No!" Spiny: "Don't hurt it!" Angel: "What about you, Lester? All of a sudden you want it too?" Gunn: "I get this, I'll kill you." Angel: "Yeah, too bad, kid. Tell your wishes it won't come true." Ugly pulls out his gun and shoots Angel. Spiny hits Ugly with a hard right, sending him to the floor. His gun goes off again and Gunn ducks down beside the coffin. Spiny grabs the shroud pulls it away from Angel, almost pulling him into the coffin. Angel catches himself with his face only inches away from the skull of the demon. Spiny runs towards the door. Angel tackles him in one incredible leap before he reaches it and gets the shroud away from him. Gunn snags the other end of the shroud and tries to pull it out of Angel's hands. They stare at each other as they work their way hand over hand towards the middle. Spiny jumps back up. Spiny: "It's mine!" He runs towards them, but Ugly gets off one last shot in their direction, hitting Spiny in the forehead. Spiny's body drops onto the shroud held between Gunn and Angel, and all three of them topple tot he ground with Gunn at the bottom and Angel on top. Gunn still clutching the shroud with all his might: "Got it. Got it. Got it!" Angel: "Wait! Wait. Gunn, I remember. You have to - trust me. I know what to do with this. Have faith, kid." Gunn lets go of the shroud. Angel stumbles out of the door of the garage carrying the shroud and Bob's bottle of Whiskey. He drops the shroud and pours the whiskey over it. We can hear the whispering and laughter again as Angel stares down on the image of the demon's face on the shroud. He pulls out a lighter, and flicks it. Stares at the flame, looks down at the shroud. The lighter tumbles from his hand in slow motion. Angel watches the flames, breathing hard. We still hear the whispering. Angel slowly takes a step back. Suddenly there is a soundless explosion, the flames shoot straight up, Angel flies through the air and against a stack of cement bags behind him, then lands in a heap. The whispering has stopped. The flames die back down and Angel lies there, barely lifting his head of the ground, watching the shroud burn. White cop: "You want us to believe - that a magic sheet..." Wesley: "A shroud! A shroud." Black cop: "Right. Right. Right. It turns people into super strong lunatics, right? (Wesley sighs) So, one rips the head off a guard and another viciously attacked Detective Lockley. That about it?" Wesley: "I know how it sounds..." Black cop quietly: "I really don't think you do." White Cop gets up and steps towards Wesley. Wesley: "What are you doing?" White cop grabs him under the arms from behind and pulls Wesley up out of his chair. White Cop: "Arresting you." Black Cop: "For the murder of the guard and the attempted..." The door opens and Kate steps in. She locks eyes with Wesley. Kate: "Let him go." The camera pans over Kate's desk and a picture of her father sitting there then up to show Kate standing in front of the window beside her desk looking out at the night through the open blinds. Angel's bite mark is clearly visible on the right side of her neck. She covers it with one hand and we flash back to Angel grabbing her, divert her shots towards the ceiling and sinking his teeth into her neck. We hear him drink, then he turns so she can see over his shoulder that Ugly has his gun trained on her. Angel whispering in her ear: "Stay down or they'll kill you." Angel lets go of her and she drops to the floor. She looks up at his bloody vamp-face for a moment then her eyes slide shut as Angel turns to look around and chuckles as Ugly lowers his gun. Kate's head rolls to the side and the picture fades into a negative image then back to Kate slowly taking her hand away form her neck and turning around. Wesley paces in front of the stairs in the Hyperion's lobby with his hands buried in the pockets of his gray sweat pants. He goes to sit down on the sofa beside Cordy, who has changed her clothes as well, but is still wearing the Native American necklace she out around her neck at the museum. Wesley: "I don't think he's coming down." Cordy: "Hmm." Wesley: "I don't think recent events did him a lot of good." Cordy: "Again a hearty - hmm." Wesley: "We had every good *intention* of course." Cordy: "Right. Sending him into the path of a crazy-making, one-way-ticket-to-evil-town death cloth. - Good plan." Wesley: "It's not the shrouds effects on him that worry me as much as..." Cordy: "As what? (Wesley looks over at her and she looks back at him with big eyes) My stealing? I returned everything. I swear." Wesley frowns slightly: "Angel drank human blood, from a living person. - Something he hasn't done in a *very* long time." Cordy: "So, on top of everything else we may have reawakened his bloodlust?" Wesley: "Yes." Cordy: "Hmm. - Full days work then." Wesley: "I think so." They both get up at the same time and leave, turning off the lights. Angel sitting in a chair in his dimly lit suite - leans back his head with a sigh. He closes his eyes and we blend into a shot of him sinking his teeth into Kate's neck. We hear Kate pant as he drinks, and see his pale hand flex as he holds on to her shoulder. FADE TO BLACK

When Gunn's cousin becomes involved in a plan to rob a museum, it's up to the gang at Angel Inc. to help him get out of it. The robbers are after the Shroud of Rahmon. Going undercover with the demon thieves, Angel and Gunn are soon in over their heads. The Shroud has magical powers that turn people crazy. Soon it's infecting all of them, even Angel. Angel's relationship with Detective Kate Lockley is both bettered and worsened when she intrudes on the heist.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_03x16

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3.16 - The Big One OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory are both reading in the living room. Lorelai glances out the window] LORELAI: Mail! RORY: Mail! LORELAI: Hurry up! Where are your shoes? RORY: I'll get them later. LORELAI: No, get them now. RORY: Why? LORELAI: Why? Because if your Harvard acceptance letter is in that batch of mail and you do not have shoes on, we can't run off immediately and celebrate. All of our happiness will be on hold until you come back inside and put on your shoes. Is that what you want to put a hold on happiness? RORY: What's the difference if we wait then or we wait now? LORELAI: Because we are not happy now. RORY: Right, okay. [runs to her bedroom] LORELAI: No laces, just get them on your feet. RORY: [runs back with shoes on] Let's go! [they run outside to the mailbox. Kirk is going through his mailbag] LORELAI: Kirk! RORY: Kirk! KIRK: Good morning, ladies. LORELAI: Is there an envelope in there? RORY: A big envelope, not a little envelope. LORELAI: Yeah, a big envelope means she's in, a little envelope means she needs to marry rich. KIRK: Just one second, please. RORY: Aren't you supposed to go through the mail before you get here? KIRK: Some work that way. Personally, I think it takes the spontaneity out of the job. LORELAI: Need some help? KIRK: Sorry, federal law prohibits it. RORY: Any chance you could go faster? LORELAI: Yeah, you got a girl's future in that sack of yours, Santa. RORY: Thank you for adding the Santa. LORELAI: Any time. KIRK: You know what I've noticed? LORELAI: It wouldn't be any mail in there with our names on it, would it? KIRK: I've noticed people don't slow down anymore. RORY: Guess I've got time to tie my shoes. LORELAI: Yes, well, cobble yourself a new pair Daniel Day Lewis. KIRK: No one stops to smell a nice flower or look at a puppy. LORELAI: You're absolutely right. [Kirk pulls a large envelope out of his mailbag] KIRK: No one stops to ask how you're doing. . .is your family well, did you see that game last night? LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, people suck. Is that ours? KIRK: What? Oh. [checks envelope] Mrs. Rita Flora. Nope. RORY: Rats. LORELAI: It could still be in there. KIRK: Rita Flora didn't she die? LORELAI: While you were delivering her mail? KIRK: She did die. She died last week. LORELAI: Kirk. KIRK: They're supposed to put your mail on hold when you die. LORELAI: Okay, let's go back inside. RORY: What about the envelope? LORELAI: We'll check back on our way to Luke's. . .for dinner. KIRK: [pulls out another envelope] Hey, one for Kirk. [opening credits] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai, Rory and Lane are sitting at a table. Lane is tapping her drumsticks on a jar] LANE: It's getting frustrating. I mean, there's so many great songs that have been written post-Cobain, but try and convince Zach of that. I mean, he's impossible, stubborn, and just a tad intellectually challenged, in case you haven't noticed. LORELAI: Lane, honey? LANE: Yeah? LORELAI: Just, could you, with the sticks there, I can't. . . LANE: Oh, sorry. Nervous habit. RORY: Mom's a little crabby this morning. LORELAI: I'm not crabby, I'm very, very ill. RORY: With allergies. LORELAI: Deadly allergies. RORY: Sorry, didn't mean to minimize your condition. Should we make funeral arrangements now? LORELAI: Yes. [pulls some medicine out of her purse] But make sure you can get your money back in case this stuff works. RORY: Where did you get those? LORELAI: Found them in your room. RORY: These expired in 98. LORELAI: So, what, I should take four? RORY: Yes, that's exactly my point. [Luke walks over and sets some menus on the table] LUKE: Here. RORY: New menus. LANE: Very fancy. LORELAI: Why'd you get new menus? LUKE: It was time. LORELAI: But I had made little doodles with my name hidden in them on each one of the old ones just like Hirschfeld. LUKE: Sorry. LORELAI: It took me years to hit every menu. And these have super heavy plastic over them. How am I gonna doodle? LUKE: Has it ever occurred to you that the super heavy plastic is there to discourage the doodling? RORY: Hey, this looks different. LUKE: It's not different. LANE: It's totally different. LUKE: It's not that different. LORELAI: There are more salads. RORY: Three more salads. LORELAI: Three more salads who needs three more salads? RORY: One was enough. LUKE: Well, Nicole said LORELAI: Nicole said. LUKE: There wasn't really that much for her to eat on the menu, so I just. . . LORELAI: Oh, you added three more salads just for Nicole. When I asked you to add chili-topped Pringles, you said no. LUKE: And I stand by that. LORELAI: How come Nicole gets three salads and I still get a no? RORY: Because Nicole is his girlfriend. LUKE: Nicole is not my girlfriend, Nicole is the woman that I am dating, that's it. LORELAI: So what happens when you guys get serious, the whole place goes soy? LUKE: Just order, please. LANE: Did you take off the Monte Cristo sandwich? LUKE: Well, I RORY: No! LORELAI: You did, you took off the Monte Cristo sandwich. LUKE: I omitted a few obsolete dishes. LORELAI: I can't believe Nicole made you take off the Monte Cristo. She's got you menu-whipped. LUKE: She does not have me menu-whipped. I took off a disgusting ridiculous sandwich that no one has ever ordered, including the three of you. RORY: But just having it there made us feel like we always could. LORELAI: It was comforting. RORY: Like soup. LORELAI: Exactly. It was comforting like deep-fried ham and cheese soup. RORY: And even though I never ordered it, I talked about ordering it, haven't I? LANE: On several occasions. LORELAI: So you've not only eliminated a sandwich, you've eliminated a conversation piece. RORY: Now what will we talk about? LUKE: Fine. [Luke walks to the counter and returns with some old menus] LUKE: Here. Old menus, everything's there. Knock yourselves out. LORELAI: How come everybody else gets a new menu? [Luke walks away] I feel much better now. CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM [A teacher is passing back papers] TEACHER: Well, I must say I'm glad to see that simply because the SATs are over, most of you are still taking your classwork seriously. Most of you. LOUISE: Michael Mason. Worth every wrong answer. TEACHER: All right, before we continue, I would like to remind you that the Chilton Bicentennial celebration takes place next week. LOUISE: Number four. [shows off her hickey] MADELINE: Well done. TEACHER: The official sign up sheet for the speech contest has gone up in the back of the room. The contest will be held on Friday, and the winner will present their speech at the ceremony next week. Now, some of you may be saying to yourself, Hey, I already turned in my college application. Why should I spend all this time entering a speech competition, which if I win means I have to give up a Friday night, when I can't even use it for my resume? What's in it for me?' MADELINE: Wow, that was spooky. TEACHER: Yes, the speech will not go on your record. However, the bicentennial is going to be quite a prestigious affair. Past alumni and faculty will be there, some of these people are now professors at the same schools you're planning an attending. Plus, C-SPAN will be broadcasting the event live. All in all, it's shaping up to be a very exciting event. Think about it. [bell rings] Oh, I almost forgot to welcome back Brad Langford. He returns to us fresh from Broadway where he's just completed a successful run of Into the Woods. Welcome back, Brad. BRAD: Thank you. It's good to be back. PARIS: Sit down, Mary Martin. TEACHER: All right everyone, have a lovely rest of the day. I will see you tomorrow. [the students start to leave. Brad walks up to Rory] BRAD: Rory, hi. RORY: Hey Brad, good to have you back. How was Broadway? BRAD: It was great, but Nathan Lane is a very bitter man. RORY: I've heard that. BRAD: You know, I tell you, even more than the actual experience of performing live, the confidence it gives you in every aspect of your life, that's the most amazing thing. RORY: Well, you do look rather confident. BRAD: Hey, it's the new me. [Madeline and Louise walk over] LOUISE: So, Brad. . .Broadway, I must know. BRAD: Yes? LOUISE: Did you get to keep your makeup? MADELINE: What about your costumes, cause that seems great. LOUISE: Ooh, unless you're doing Les Mis. MADELINE: Or Cats. LOUISE: Furry spandex with a tail and jazz shoes? MADELINE: Hurrah. So, do you? BRAD: Do I? MADELINE: Get to keep the makeup? BRAD: I didn't ask. LOUISE: You didn't ask? MADELINE: How do you leave the house every morning and not have a piano fall on your head? BRAD: Well, I make a left on Federal and then RORY: Brad, that really didn't require an answer. [Paris walks over] PARIS: You're blocking the list. RORY: What's that? Will we please move so you may sign up for the speech contest? Why, yes, Paris, we'd be happy to. How kind of you to phrase it in that very respectful manner. PARIS: Are you going to move, or do you need a five, six, seven, eight? BRAD: Paris, this time on stage has been a very growing experience for me. I'm no longer intimidated by you or people like you. PARIS: I'm thrilled to hear it, Chita Rivera. Move. Well, Gilmore, I certainly hope you're signing up, too. It'll be my last chance to trounce you with anything at this school. RORY: My decision to do this will in no way depend on you, Paris. PARIS: I'm only saying it won't be a totally satisfying victory just beating Jerome Robbins and the rest of the losers here. I'd really like to take you down also. BRAD: Boy, she is really up on her theater references. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Sookie, surrounded by her kitchen staff, has several plates of food on the counter in front of her] SOOKIE: This is outrageous. I am beyond offended. Did you tell them I'm beyond offended? Sending my food back? That's it, get their names, they're never eating here again. WAITER: Okay. SOOKIE: Wait, what wine was he drinking? WAITER: 1952 Chateau Petrus Bordeaux. SOOKIE: Hm. Okay, never mind. [Lorelai walks in] LORELAI: Hey, is everything okay? SOOKIE: No, we have got to have a better screening system for customers here. LORELAI: Yes, we do, since we currently have no screening system for customers here. SOOKIE: They sent it back. My food. My four star, you haven't lived til you've eaten there, says Ruth Reichl,' food. LORELAI: What did they say was wrong? SOOKIE: You name it. Too salty, too hot, too sewer-y. LORELAI: Honey, calm down. Some people are just stupid. SOOKIE: Yes, they are stupid, and stupid people have stupid friends, and they all have to come here and be stupid together. LORELAI: Okay, now, don't be mad at me, but I have to ask this are you sure there's nothing wrong with the food? SOOKIE: Of course there's nothing wrong with the food. You don't think that I would know if something was wrong with my food? You don't think that I tasted every last dish that was sent back. I tasted it, Manuel tasted it, Rico tasted it, Louella tasted it. We all tasted it and it tastes fine. LORELAI: Okay. Do you mind? SOOKIE: You don't believe me? LORELAI: I believe you completely, but it's easier for me to take on those who doubt you if I actually tasted it myself. SOOKIE: Fine, go ahead. [Lorelai tries the food] LORELAI: Okay, now I get the sewer-y reference. SOOKIE: What are you talking about? LORELAI: Come here. [to waiter] Just, uh, send them out some free desserts. SOOKIE: Free desserts? You're giving the stupid people free desserts. LORELAI: Sookie, I love you. SOOKIE: I love you, too. LORELAI: Okay, and I love your food, you know that. SOOKIE: Yeah. LORELAI: But I have to tell you that that bite I just had over there is one of the worst things I've ever tasted, and I've tasted some very bad things. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: Are you sure you didn't just accidentally drop something in the food tonight, like, I don't know, uh, strychnine or manure? SOOKIE: No, I tested each dish every step of the way. I mean, the base, the stock, the sauce, the seasonings. LORELAI: Are you sick? Cause sometimes the flu or a cold or even allergies can throw your tastebuds off. SOOKIE: No, I'm not sick. I mean, I had a little bug last week, but nothing today. LORELAI: Well, I think you should think about getting a checkup. Maybe it was more than a little bug. SOOKIE: The food was really bad? LORELAI: Oh, honey, it was just. . .well, yeah, it was really that bad. SOOKIE: I don't understand it. LORELAI: Ah, I'm sure it was nothing. Just have Manuel help you with the tasting for the rest of the night, okay? [Rory walks into the kitchen] RORY: Paris is going to drive me completely insane. Ooh, that looks good. ENTIRE KITCHEN STAFF: No! RORY: Geez. LORELAI: Be happy you're loved, hon. I got a Kit Kat in my purse. [Lorelai and Rory walk into the lobby] RORY: What's up? LORELAI: I don't know. It's weird, Sookie must be sick or something. RORY: Sookie never gets sick. LORELAI: She'll be fine. So, tell me, what did Paris do now? RORY: It's nothing, it's just Paris. There's this speech contest for the bicentennial, and I wasn't even going to enter it, but I don't know with the whole it's my last chance to crush you before graduation' comment, I want to enter, I want to win, and I wanna dance around her saying I win, I win, I win!' LORELAI: Wow, you're getting more and more like me everyday. RORY: But I know, it was petty and stupid and I should probably just ignore her. LORELAI: Yes, that is what you should do. RORY: Okay, that is what I will do. LORELAI: How come you weren't gonna enter the contest? RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: You love doing school things. RORY: I don't love doing school things when it involves the entire school staring at me while I'm doing them. LORELAI: You had to give your vice presidential acceptance speech in front of the entire school. RORY: Yeah, but I had to do that. LORELAI: Oh, so you're just gonna go through life only doing what you have to do. RORY: Well, no. LORELAI: Because a person who wants to be a foreign correspondent for a living should probably embrace the opportunity to practice her speechin' skills in front of a crowd. RORY: You had the motherly edge going there until you threw in the speechin' skills comment. LORELAI: Yeah, well, you know what I mean. RORY: I know what you mean. Okay, I'll go out for the speech. LORELAI: Good. RORY: And if I get to do the I win, I win, I win' dance, then so much the better. LORELAI: For everyone involved. RORY: Mmhmm. LORELAI: Oh my God. Oh my God. [Lorelai walks across the lobby. Sookie is walking toward her] LORELAI: You're pregnant! SOOKIE: I'm pregnant! [they scream and jump up and down] SOOKIE: Oh my God, I'm pregnant! RORY: You're pregnant? SOOKIE: I'm pregnant! LORELAI: That's why! SOOKIE: I'm pregnant! RORY: That's great! [they all scream and hug] CUT TO CHILTON HALLWAY [Students are outside a classroom awaiting their turns in the speech contest. Paris walks up to a girl and looks at her speech] PARIS: Huh. GIRL: What? PARIS: That just looks like more than four thousand words, but I'm sure you counted them. GIRL: I did. PARIS: Good. [to another girl] Hey Shelly, good luck. Although I'm sure you're going to be great. After all, there's hardly anything on stage for you to trip over this time, right? [sits down next to Brad; sings] I've got my beans at Grandma's house, my magic beans at Grandma's house. BRAD: Stop it. PARIS: [sings] I'll take my beans, my magic beans, who's got the beans, we need some beans, I love the beans. BRAD: You can't rattle me. PARIS: [sings] Into the woods at Grandma's house. BRAD: Look, I'm proud of my part, okay? The New York Times called me winningly na ve. PARIS: [sings] Into the woods, into the woods, into the woods. RORY: Stop it right now. PARIS: I know, that is one annoying song. RORY: Leave Brad alone, and stop terrorizing everyone in this hallway. PARIS: Terrorizing? What are you talking about, terrorizing? I'm simply talking to my fellow classmates. RORY: You're trying to scare them into doing badly so you'll win easier. PARIS: I am not. RORY: Oh really? And that magical bean recital back there? PARIS: Hey, I was trying to give the kid some human contact. He's been talking to nothing but a cow for a year and a half. BRAD: There was a person inside that cow, I've told you that! TEACHER: [walks out of classroom] Brad Langford. BRAD: I'm winningly na ve. TEACHER: Okay. PARIS: Brad, you got your beans? RORY: Stop. Go Brad, you'll do great. [Brad walks into the classroom] RORY: It's amazing how you manage to hide those bolts on the side of your neck. What is that, just really good cover up? PARIS: Rory, lower your voice. People are trying to concentrate. RORY: Wow. PARIS: Wow what? RORY: Your speech must really suck. PARIS: Excuse me? RORY: I mean, if you're going to all this trouble to psych out everyone else, then you must know you have a loser there. PARIS: Mind games. Not your forte, cupcake. Stick to talking to losers off the train tracks, will you? RORY: You're horrible. PARIS: And I'm going to win. [a girl sits next to her] Cherry, hi. Man those braces are shiny. CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT YARD [Lorelai walks out of the house toward the Jeep; her cell phone rings] LORELAI: [answers phone] Hello SOOKIE: It's me. LORELAI: Every detail, leave nothing out. SOOKIE: Well, I told him. LORELAI: Did he flip? Did he cry? Did he scream? SOOKIE: No. LORELAI: No? Did he hear you? SOOKIE: Yeah, he heard me. LORELAI: I don't understand, what happened? SOOKIE: Well, I came home and I got some flowers and I chilled some glasses and I put some music on and I opened a bottle of champagne, and the cork broke the window so I had to clean up the glass, and then I taped some cardboard over the hole, and then I knocked over the bottle of champagne, so I had to get out the mop. LORELAI: My finger's hitting the fast forward button, hon. SOOKIE: So, he came home and I handed him a beer, and I smiled and I kissed him and I told him he was gonna be a daddy. LORELAI: And then he did what? SOOKIE: Then he got out the calculator. LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: He's been crunching numbers for two hours. LORELAI: He didn't say anything? SOOKIE: No. LORELAI: Mr. I-want-four-in-four' hears he can check off number one and he says nothing? SOOKIE: Okay, not nothing. LORELAI: Thank you. SOOKIE: Every fifteen minutes, he says, Oh, boy.' LORELAI: Oh, boy' like Oh, boy!'? SOOKIE: No, Oh, boy' like Oh, boy.' JACKSON: [in background] Oh, boy. SOOKIE: Did you hear that? LORELAI: Well, maybe he's in shock. JACKSON: Oh, boy. SOOKIE: Maybe. JACKSON: Oh, boy. LORELAI: Honey, I'd go in there and take that calculator away from him if I were you. SOOKIE: This wasn't how it was supposed to go. LORELAI: I know, sweetie, but give it time. It's a big thing. SOOKIE: He said he wanted this. LORELAI: He loves you, he wants this. JACKSON: Oh, boy. SOOKIE: Uh huh. LORELAI: Hang in there, I'll call you later. SOOKIE: I'll be here. JACKSON: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET [Several people are standing around Kirk, who has the mail spread out in a pile on the floor.] DEAN: It's right there! KIRK: Just a second. DEAN: I see it. Can I just KIRK: Yeah, I can do it. DEAN: Kirk, it's right there! KIRK: You are yelling at me, and I have to tell you that that is not the way to get results. DEAN: You keep passing it. KIRK: You are making me crazy. [Lorelai walks up to them] LORELAI: Dean, I just need. . .oh, hey, that's my water bill. DEAN: He's been down there for twenty minutes. LORELAI: Kirk, you have to sort the mail first. KIRK: Everybody is always telling me what to do. Everybody else is always right. Well, I'm sorry, but I am the mail carrier in this town and I will carry the mail the way that I carry the mail, and if you don't like that, then you can carry the mail. But you'll have to apply for the job first and get hired. And there's a test, and it is a hard test, my friend. Ow, paper cut. LORELAI: Dean, I need some of that non-drowsy allergy medicine stuff. DEAN: Did you check in the back with the aspirin? LORELAI: Yeah, nothing. DEAN: Then we're probably out. I could tell you when they're expected in, but I haven't gotten the mail yet. KIRK: Shut up. LORELAI: Okay, nevermind, I'll just grab some when I get to Hartford. See if you can get my water bill for me. DEAN: All right, I'll do my best. [to Kirk] I'm giving you five minutes to get up, then I'm getting the mop. KIRK: You will not touch this. This is the property of the United States Government. CUT TO HARTFORD DRUGSTORE [Lorelai walks to the allergy medicine aisle and looks at the selection] LORELAI: Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, show me a difference, people. Why can't I pick one? Ooh, on sale, that's it, good, done. [Lorelai picks a medicine, then walks to the end of the aisle, where she sees Max] LORELAI: Max. MAX: Lorelai. LORELAI: Hi. MAX: Hi back. LORELAI: I didn't know you had a cold. MAX: I just recently found out myself. LORELAI: Well, wow. You. Hi. How have you been? MAX: I've been good. LORELAI: Good. MAX: I've been in California. LORELAI: Well, cowabunga dude. MAX: Yes, that's my official California name. LORELAI: So, California, huh? MAX: Stanford, actually. I was teaching a class there. LORELAI: Well, good. It's about time that dump got some decent teachers. MAX: Yes, they're really trying to turn the place around. LORELAI: Well, so, if you were living in California, then what are you doing back here? MAX: Well, this place has the best selection. LORELAI: In Hartford. MAX: My class ended, and I thought I'd come back for the Chilton Bicentennial. LORELAI: Ah. MAX: What are you doing here in Hartford? LORELAI: Friday night? MAX: The infamous Gilmore dinners. LORELAI: Yeah. MAX: How's that going? LORELAI: Uh, great. We had to add on an extra room for all the emotional baggage, but other than that, there's been no bloodshed as of yet. MAX: Well, I'm glad to hear it. And Rory's good? LORELAI: Oh, yeah, she's the Encyclopedia Britannica definition of good. MAX: Grades? LORELAI: Perfect. MAX: Same boyfriend? LORELAI: Different boyfriend. MAX: Really? LORELAI: Yeah. MAX: You hate him. LORELAI: No, I don't. MAX: You really hate him. LORELAI: I smile, I say hi, I let him eat the good cookies. MAX: You wanna have him killed. LORELAI: Only if I get a really good price. MAX: She's young, she'll move on, she's got college next year. LORELAI: Great. Frat boys, I cannot wait. MAX: Just get a keg, keeps them distracted. LORELAI: Oh, well, thanks for the advice. I'm gonna lock her up in a tower when I get home. MAX: Glad I could help. Well, listen, I, um, have this dinner I have to get to. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, yeah. Me, too. Me, too. So. . . MAX: It was nice to see you. LORELAI: It was nice to see you, too. MAX: Bye. LORELAI: Uh, bye. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai rings the doorbell, Richard answers the door] RICHARD: Ah, you're here. LORELAI: And you are by far the most masculine-looking maid my parents have ever had. RICHARD: It's chaos here. The second maid called in sick, the first is busy with dinner, and your poor mother is at the hospital. Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week. LORELAI: Come again? RICHARD: Three of her friends had strokes. And now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can. [they start walking to the living room] LORELAI: Three DAR strokes. What's in that water they're drinking? RICHARD: Well, a little whiskey, usually. Oh, and you're forgetting Liesl. LORELAI: What? RICHARD: Our East-German maid. She was much more masculine-looking than me. LORELAI: Right, the muttonchops. RICHARD: Here is Rory. LORELAI: Thanks, I wouldn't have recognized her. Hi hon. RORY: Hi. Did you hear about the strokes? LORELAI: Yes, stay away from whiskey and the DAR. RICHARD: Your mother would make you throw that out at this point. LORELAI: How about I exchange it for a martini? RICHARD: Ah, coming up. [phone rings] Oh, good I'm expecting an important call. This could be it. LORELAI: Uh, Dad, if the maid is busy with dinner and the second one's out and Mom's at the hospital. . . you know. RICHARD: Oh, right, right. I'll get it! [leaves room] LORELAI: Alone at last. Have I got something to tell you. RORY: What? LORELAI: Or maybe you have something to tell me. RORY: Don't do that, I have nothing. LORELAI: Or are you minimizing what you know? Maybe you should maximize it. RORY: I'm confused. LORELAI: Maximize it. RORY: I'm maximum confused. LORELAI: I ran into Max. RORY: Medina? LORELAI: At the pharmacy. Did you know he was back? RORY: No. He was, like, on loan somewhere. LORELAI: Yeah, at Stanford. But he's back now, for a little while at least, and I am happy to report that either he's forgiven me for treating him so badly or it wasn't that bad and I just built it up worse in my head. RORY: Oh no, you treated him like crap LORELAI: Well, he was very big about it. He didn't recoil or blow me off. We had a nice chat. It was good to see him. RORY: He's a great guy. LORELAI: He is. RORY: And a great teacher, too. I'm glad he's back. LORELAI: Good. He seems glad, too. [Richard returns to the room] RICHARD: That was not my call, and for a second there, I thought a fourth friend of your mother's had had a stroke. RORY: Oh, no. RICHARD: But then I realized that it was one of the original stroke ladies' husband's calling to inform me of her stroke, which we already knew about, so here we are. LORELAI: Thank God. RICHARD: So, Rory has been telling me about the Chilton Bicentennial and her speech. RORY: Well, it's not my speech yet. I have to qualify for it. RICHARD: Oh, you'll get it. LORELAI: She'll be on C-SPAN if she does. RICHARD: Very good. RORY: It's not like anyone would watch it. LORELAI: Yes, they will. You're a hell of a lot more interesting than that usual shot they have of all the white men walking around that big empty chamber with the numbers all over them. RICHARD: That's a televised house vote, and I find that fascinating. LORELAI: It's like watching the Men's Warehouse security camera. RICHARD: When is your speech? I'd like to be there. RORY: Again, it's not my speech yet, but it's Friday at five. RICHARD: Oh, well, that's tough. Could they move it to six? RORY: I don't think so. RICHARD: Well, maybe I'll move my thing. RORY: That might be best. [phone rings] RICHARD: Oh, I've got it, I've got it, I've got it! [As Richard rushes out of the room, Lorelai laughs] RORY: What? LORELAI: [holds up her cell phone] Speed dial. I just like seeing him do that. RICHARD: [from other room] I've got it. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S HOUSE [Lorelai walks up to the house, Sookie is sitting on the front porch swing] SOOKIE: Ah, thank God, someone sane. Come on up. LORELAI: Your phone has been busy all night and I am dying to know what the doctor said. SOOKIE: He said, "Congratulations, it's an It!" LORELAI: Ah, I loved being pregnant. SOOKIE: You'll give me lots of tips? LORELAI: Oh, what I can remember. SOOKIE: Get your diary out from that year cause I wanna know it all. LORELAI: A lot of my diary from that year was, um, a debate over which member of Tears for Fears I loved more at that particular moment. SOOKIE: That's probably not going to help me much. LORELAI: What are you doing out here? It's cold. SOOKIE: Well, we finished eating and I needed a break. Rough day. We didn't get home until eight. LORELAI: Eight? Your appointment was at six. SOOKIE: Jackson won't drive home faster than seven miles an hour. He doesn't wanna jiggle Baby. LORELAI: Oh my God. SOOKIE: We spent ten minutes on one speed bump. I could've walked home faster. And he's got this wild look in his eye like he's some kind of death rocker or something, and he's making lots of calls, and he punched the calculator so much he broke it. [Jackson walks out of the house] JACKSON: We're selling the truck. SOOKIE: What? JACKSON: It's the only way we're going to afford the minivan. SOOKIE: I thought you broke the calculator. JACKSON: I'm using a pencil. Hi Lorelai. LORELAI: Hi Jackson, congratulations. SOOKIE: We don't need a van. JACKSON: And I'm getting a haircut and buying a second tie. [the phone rings] Oh, I'll get it. It's probably the contractor. SOOKIE: What contractor? JACKSON: The add-on. SOOKIE: What add-on? JACKSON: The expansion, Sookie, the expansion. [walks into the house] SOOKIE: He's expanding something. LORELAI: He's, uh, being very cryptic. SOOKIE: I don't wanna expand anything. And did you see his eyes? LORELAI: Tasmanian devil. SOOKIE: When I came home, he was baby-proofing the house, he'd thrown away all our prescription drugs, and he was stuffing newspaper into the electrical sockets. He's insane. [Jackson walks out with the phone] JACKSON: [oh phone] Hold on, Tom. [to Sookie] He says we have to move out for three months to do the add-on. We probably don't wanna do that. SOOKIE: Probably not. [Jackson walks back into the house] LORELAI: Have you tried slapping him? SOOKIE: No, he won't let me lift my arm above my head in case it stretches Baby. This stinks. We never even got to celebrate. He went straight to budgets and minivans. LORELAI: Aw, well, what he's doing is sweet in its own obnoxious way. SOOKIE: I guess I'll have to let him be male. LORELAI: So, listen, um, I ran into Max Medina. SOOKIE: Oh my God, really? How weird was that? LORELAI: A little. Not as much as I would have thought. SOOKIE: He's such a good guy. LORELAI: Yeah, people are pretty unanimous on that. SOOKIE: Well, was he nice to you? LORELAI: Very. I mean, what happened with us was so long ago. Do you think what I did to him was really horrible? SOOKIE: You mean dumping him in the gutter? Sure. LORELAI: Yeah, people are pretty unanimous on that, too. SOOKIE: So, Max Medina's back. LORELAI: Not for long, though. I just hope he doesn't hate me. He was probably just being nice. I just don't want him to hate me. SOOKIE: You didn't mean to hurt him. LORELAI: I'll write him a note or something. I owe him that. [Jackson walks out of the house and holds up a cleaver.] LORELAI/SOOKIE: Oh! JACKSON: What is this? SOOKIE: It's my cleaver. JACKSON: What if Baby fell on it? SOOKIE: You mean, what if Baby rolled off the sink and into the open second drawer? It wouldn't be good. JACKSON: It has to go. SOOKIE: I need it to chop stuff. JACKSON: We're switching to plastic. SOOKIE: I can't use plastic. JACKSON: And the Saran Wrap's history, too. SOOKIE: Jackson! CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory walks through the front door. The phone is ringing] RORY: [answers phone] Hello? WOMAN: Rory Gilmore, please. RORY: This is Rory Gilmore. WOMAN: Please hold. I'm connecting Headmaster Charleston and Paris Gellar. RORY: What? You're what, hello? WOMAN: Miss Gilmore? RORY: I'm here. WOMAN: Miss Gellar? PARIS: I'm here. WOMAN: Please hold, I'm connecting Headmaster Charleston. [pause] Miss Gilmore, Miss Gellar, you have Headmaster Charleston. HEADMASTER: Ladies, hello. I hope you're having a pleasant evening. RORY: Yes, sir. PARIS: Very pleasant. HEADMASTER: Wonderful to hear. Well, let's get down to it, shall we? I was very impressed with both of your speeches today. They were well written, well researched, and eloquently delivered. You should be very proud. RORY: Thank you, we were. PARIS: Who won? HEADMASTER: Just the simple act of completing a task well is in itself a win, is it not Miss Gellar? PARIS: Yes, sir. HEADMASTER: Wonderful. Anyhow, as I was listening to you both this afternoon, a thought kept rolling around in my head. I was thinking what a pity it is I will have to choose just one. But then I realized, Hold on a minute here. I'm the headmaster at this school, I'm in charge of this competition, I can change the rules if I wish to.' So I am. RORY: You are? PARIS: You are what? HEADMASTER: I am changing the rules. Instead of having one speaker at our bicentennial, we will have two. You will combine your speeches and present them together. PARIS: You're kidding. HEADMASTER: I assure you I am not. I think it will be an excellent way to pay proper tribute to our school. So, what do you think of my little plan? RORY: Well. . . PARIS: It's, uh. . . HEADMASTER: Brilliant. Yes, I think so, too. That's all. Congratulations. I would like the revised copy of your speech on my desk by Tuesday. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. [hangs up] PARIS: Well, look who's suddenly decided to become Kofi Annan. RORY: Excuse me? PARIS: Charleston thinks we need to play nice with each other, so he screws up the whole bicentennial. This sucks. RORY: Yes, it does suck. PARIS: So, what do we do now? RORY: Do we have a choice? PARIS: Of course we have a choice. You could say no. RORY: Why could I say no? You could say no. PARIS: I could not say no. C-SPAN is going to be there. RORY: Well, I like C-SPAN as much as you do. PARIS: You do not. RORY: I do, too. Ask my mom, it's all I talk about. PARIS: So, I guess we need a game plan now. RORY: Okay. We can meet at school tomorrow and work on it. PARIS: Or we could do it over the phone. RORY: Over the phone? PARIS: We're just combining two speeches, Rory. There's no reason we have to sit in the same room and stare at each other. RORY: Fine, whatever you want. PARIS: Tomorrow night, six o'clock, I'll call you. RORY: I can't wait. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [The doorbell rings. Rory answers the door, Paris is standing there] RORY: What are you doing here? PARIS: We have a speech to write. RORY: Yes, but we were supposed to do it over the phone. That was the plan. PARIS: Well, it's a ridiculous plan. We have to put two speeches together. We have to rehearse them, we have to hone our timing. None of that can be done effectively over the phone. RORY: But it was your idea. PARIS: Oh, like you fought me on it? RORY: Of course I didn't fight you on it. PARIS: Well, okay then. RORY: What, okay then? Our conversation did not just come to a close. There was not a decision made back there just now. PARIS: Look, I'm here, we should just do this and get it over with. Do you wanna study here or in your bedroom? Fine, I'll go to a payphone. Do you have payphones in this town or are you still using a town crier? RORY: We'll do it here. PARIS: Whatever you say. [they walk into Rory's bedroom] PARIS: So, I think the first thing to do is to acquaint ourselves with each others' speeches so we can judge who hit which point best. Here. [hands Rory her speech] RORY: Mine. [hands Paris her speech] PARIS: Good. Let's read. Why did you use this font? RORY: Because I was on the crack. PARIS: Did you check these facts? RORY: Yes, I did. PARIS: And the spelling of these names? RORY: Yes, I did. PARIS: Rory? RORY: What, Paris? PARIS: I slept with Jamie. Last night, after we talked. RORY: Was it something I said? PARIS: I went over there to study and he lit a fire and then we did it. What are your thoughts on that? RORY: My thoughts? PARIS: Because I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it myself yet. I've been going over it in my head. I mean, it seemed to go pretty well. The fire was nice and thank God he didn't try to put on any ridiculous makeout music, and then it just happened. I was actually fairly surprised at the timing of it because I wasn't wearing anything particularly alluring, and in the moments just before the act. . . RORY: Oh, God. PARIS: We were actually discussing modern day Marxism in America, which is not what I would have deemed a come and get it' sort of conversation, but nevertheless, he came and got it, and I have to figure out what that means to me on a psychological level. So, I thought maybe if you and I could have sort of a healthy debate about it, I could come to some sort of reasonable conclusion about how I should be feeling right about now. So, come on, talk. What do you think? RORY: I PARIS: Are you pro? RORY: Well PARIS: Con? RORY: Well PARIS: Undecided? RORY: Paris, just stop talking for one second and let me get my mind around this. PARIS: Sorry, go ahead, focus. [Lorelai walks in through the front door and overhears their conversation from the hall] PARIS: Could you focus faster because I really need some feedback here. RORY: Okay, so you are telling me that you and Jamie. . . PARIS: Had s*x. RORY: Okay, so, were you safe? PARIS: Yes, it was a regular after school special. RORY: Well, was he nice to you? PARIS: Yes, he was very nice to me. RORY: And the two of you had discussed this. . . PARIS: Well, I don't know that we actually discussed it, it was just sort of implied. RORY: Implied? PARIS: Yes, implied. When you're dating a boy and you're together for a given amount of time and you're not Amish, then the eventual occurrence of intercourse is inevitable. I mean, wasn't it with you? RORY: What? PARIS: With Dean. RORY: No. PARIS: No? RORY: No. I never did it with Dean. PARIS: Oh. Well, then with Jess, right? RORY: Um, no. PARIS: You're lying. RORY: No, I'm not lying. PARIS: You haven't? RORY: No. PARIS: Why not? RORY: I just haven't. It's just not the time. [Lorelai quietly walks back out of the house] PARIS: Why is it not the time? I mean, if it's not the time for you, then maybe it's not the time for me either. RORY: Paris, you can't judge what's right for you against what's right for me. I mean, we are different, and Jamie and Jess are different. PARIS: Well, yeah. RORY: Maybe it was the time for the two of you. PARIS: I guess. I just wish I had the data to back it up. RORY: Some things can't be analyzed. PARIS: Listen, Rory, these last few weeks, Francie got things all twisted around. RORY: You let her get things all twisted around. PARIS: I know. I just tend to believe the worst in people, you know? RORY: Oh yeah, I know. PARIS: I'm. . . RORY: That's okay. LORELAI: [from kitchen] Hello, Mommy's home! RORY: We're in here. LORELAI: We're, who's we're? Oh, hey Paris. I didn't know you were coming over tonight. PARIS: It wasn't planned. LORELAI: Oh, well, I brought pizza if you guys are hungry. PARIS: I have to take my retainer out first. RORY: I'll get the plates. [Paris walks toward the bathroom, Lorelai hugs Rory] LORELAI: Hey. RORY: Hey. LORELAI: I'm taking you shopping tomorrow. RORY: Why? LORELAI: It just seems time. . .for new shoes. RORY: Okay. [walks away] LORELAI: I've got the good kid. CUT TO CHILTON AUDITORIUM [The headmaster is on stage addressing the audience] HEADMASTER: . . .of two hundred years of tradition, Chilton begins its third century of educating this country's young students. . . [Rory is waiting in the hallway outside the auditorium. Lorelai walks over to her] LORELAI: Okay, I got the coats hung, and I slipped the girl a buck to get the really good hangers. You know, the ones with the dry cleaning foam strips still attached. Why are you frowning? Are you nervous? RORY: What? No. I mean, yes. Paris is supposed to be here and she's not. LORELAI: Well, maybe she's just had a clothing crisis. RORY: Maybe. LORELAI: Do you wanna call her? RORY: I did, no answer. LORELAI: I'm sure she's fine, there's traffic. Just relax. RORY: Okay. [Richard walks up to them] RICHARD: There you are. LORELAI: Hi. RORY: Grandpa, you came. RICHARD: Of course I came. I wouldn't miss my granddaughter talking on national TV. That's quite a nice turnout you have here. LORELAI: Yes, well, we're very proud of the number of people who have nothing to do on a Friday night. RICHARD: Your mind never tires for a moment, does it? LORELAI: It will once people start talking. RICHARD: Charming. LORELAI: Okay, well, I'm gonna go track down some coffee cause there's no way they're not serving coffee at this thing. I'll be right back. Relax, she'll be here. CUT TO ANOTHER HALLWAY [On her way to the coffee table, Lorelai passes Max, who is talking to someone] MAX: [to man] Stanford has been really fantastic. LORELAI: Hi. MAX: Hi. [to man] Will you excuse me for a moment? MAN: Sure. [Max follows Lorelai to the coffee table] MAX: We seem to be running into each other a lot lately. LORELAI: Oh, come on, you know where there's C-SPAN, there's. . .me. MAX: Is Rory around? LORELAI: Um, she's looking for Paris and panicking she's gonna have to do this alone. MAX: Well, Paris'll come. LORELAI: I told her that. Listen, do you have a second? MAX: Sure. LORELAI: I just, um. . .I just wanna talk to you about. . .uh. . . [they walk to an empty classroom] LORELAI: I just wanted to get away from. . .anyhow. We just haven't really talked since. . . MAX: No, we haven't. LORELAI: I always meant to call you, but I'm not good at calling when a call is really necessary. And then, you know, uh, if you don't call for awhile, it gets harder to call, and then after awhile, it feels like it's too late to call, and so you don't, although you always know that you should've called, and I should've called. MAX: It's okay. LORELAI: No, it's not. I never really explained what happened. MAX: You didn't marry me. LORELAI: Yes, I know, but I never really explained why. I just didn't. MAX: You didn't love me. LORELAI: I don't think I didn't love you. I think. . .I think I was not ready to get married. MAX: Because you didn't love me. LORELAI: No, I really don't think that was it. Sometimes the person you love is not the person you're ready to live with forever. I'm not saying this is right, but MAX: Lorelai, listen to me. I appreciate this, I really do, but there's no need for it. I'm really okay. LORELAI: Oh, no, I know you're. . .no, I'm sure you're okay. I'm not saying this because you don't look okay. You look great. Really great. Although, I'm not saying this because you look really great, although you do. Did you join a gym in California? MAX: Lorelai, look. I've always wanted to teach at a university like Stanford. And finally, the opportunity came up, I went, and it was wonderful. And, frankly, if we had been getting married, I wouldn't have been able to take it. LORELAI: You're welcome. MAX: And being away gave me time to think. I thought, and now I'm fine. LORELAI: It's just, we never had any closure. MAX: Life's not really about closure, is it? LORELAI: No, I guess not. So, you're okay? MAX: I'm okay. I'm over it. LORELAI: You sure? MAX: I am completely sure. LORELAI: Well, then. . .boy, don't I feel stupid. MAX: You are many things, but stupid is not one of them. LORELAI: Well, I'm really glad I got to see you again. MAX: Me, too. I better get back. LORELAI: Okay. CUT TO OUTSIDE THE AUDITORIUM [Rory and Richard are waiting in the hallway. The headmaster walks over to them.] HEADMASTER: Rory, you and Paris should get ready, you're going on next. Richard, I didn't know you were coming, how are you? RICHARD: Very, very well, Hanlin. HEADMASTER: Wonderful. Here, let me find you a seat. RICHARD: Ah, I'm also with my daughter. HEADMASTER: Well, then let me find you two seats. Rory, where's Paris? RORY: I don't know, I haven't seen her and I called her house. HEADMASTER: Oh, dear. Well, I hope you know both parts. [walks away] RORY: Okay, great. RICHARD: You are going to be wonderful, trust me. Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the audience in their underwear? RORY: Yes. RICHARD: Well, don't do it. I did it once and I had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos. RORY: Say no more. [Lorelai walks over to them] LORELAI: Hey, they're rounding us up. Is she here yet? RORY: No. LORELAI: Oh, well, just. . .oh, there she is. RORY: Where? [sees Paris down the hall] Oh, thank you God. LORELAI: Okay, be great. We'll see you afterward. RORY: [walks over to Paris] Where have you been? Paris, you okay? CUT TO AUDITORIUM [The headmaster is addressing the audience] HEADMASTER: And it is with great pleasure that I introduce two young ladies that epitomize the very best of what Chilton has to offer. RORY: Paris, are you okay? HEADMASTER: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Paris Gellar and Rory Gilmore. [The crowd applauds as Rory and Paris walk onto the stage] RORY: "Apply yourself. Get all the education you can, but then do something. Don't just stand there, make it happen." Lee Iacocca. "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." Malcolm Forbes. "Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." Oscar Wilde. These are only three of many countless views on the expansion of the human mind. I personally believe in all of them, and fortunately for me, so does Chilton. An institution not just because of age and standing, but because of ideas. Because it encourages ideas and it will accept nothing less than everything you have to give. This is the place where our lives start. PARIS: You know, it's funny, me standing here before you right now. I've thought about nothing else for four years but this school, this big important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely, heart and soul, believing in its power, believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go. Harvard. I thought of nothing else. Many of you out there can attest to that fact. I was on my way and nothing could stop me. And here's the really funny thing after four years of slaving away, I go home today and I found this. [holds up an envelope] I'm not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope, the one that reads, "Sorry, Paris. We're not interested. Try again next year. Love, Harvard." And the thing that's really funny here is, who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me? Have you seen how hard I've worked over these past four years? I mean, can anyone here believe that I'm not going to Harvard? I can't. I'm not going to Harvard. I am not going to Harvard. I had s*x, but I'm not going to Harvard. RORY: Okay. PARIS: And I have to tell you that if you asked me which of those two events I thought would be the least likely to happen, it would not be the not going to Harvard. RORY: Thank you and good night. PARIS: I'm being punished. I had s*x, so now I don't get to go to Harvard. RORY: Paris, come on. [leads Paris off the stage] PARIS: She's never had s*x. She'll probably go to Harvard. She's a shoe in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore you're going to Harvard! RORY: Come on! [In the audience, Lorelai glances at Richard, who is sleeping] CUT TO BACKSTAGE [Rory and Paris sit on a staircase. Paris is crying] PARIS: How could I have not gotten into Harvard? Five generations of Gellars have gotten into Harvard. Even if I was the Billy Carter of the family, the name is still supposed to carry some weight. RORY: Paris. PARIS: They had to really not like me for me to not get in. RORY: Paris. PARIS: It's like they know me or something. RORY: Stop. I know how much this meant to you, Paris, but you are going to get just as good an education at one of the other great schools you're destined to get into. And you know what? Maybe it's a good thing that you're going to a different school than the rest of your family. You'll be doing your own thing, starting your own tradition. Doesn't that sound exciting? PARIS: I can't believe I slept with Jamie. I'm a slut. RORY: No, you're not. You love him. PARIS: What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he doesn't think I'm special anymore? How am I going to tell him I didn't get into Harvard? What am I gonna do? RORY: Paris, I don't know why you didn't get into Harvard, but you are so smart and so special and you'll see, everything's gonna be fine. [Lorelai opens the door] LORELAI: Hey, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. RORY: Yeah, we've got everything under control, thanks. LORELAI: Okay. I'll be outside when you're ready. No rush. RORY: Thanks. [Lorelai leaves] PARIS: Well, all I've gotta say is, after all the trouble this s*x thing has caused me, I better have been good. RORY: That's the perspective I know and love. CUT TO HALLWAY [Lorelai walks up to Richard by the coat racks] LORELAI: Dad, hi, sorry. I was just checking on the girls. RICHARD: Well, I hope they're feeling very good about themselves. They did a wonderful job. LORELAI: Yes, well, I'm sure they'll be very pleased to hear you think so. RICHARD: Listen, um, I need to get home. Uh, I'm expecting a very important call from China that unfortunately I cannot miss. LORELAI: That's fine, Dad. I'll tell Rory you had to go. RICHARD: All right. And tell her I'll call her later, and give her this. [hands Lorelai an envelope] LORELAI: Aw, that's very nice. Now how about my finder's fee? RICHARD: You're very amusing. Thank you for a lovely evening, and I'll see the two of you on Friday. LORELAI: Good night. Sleep tight. [Richard leaves] LORELAI: [to coat-check woman] Um, excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it. WOMAN: We put some of the coat racks in the classroom over there, take a look. Otherwise the staircase to the roof is on your right. LORELAI: Thank you. Hm. Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke. CUT TO CLASSROOM [Lorelai walks in and finds her coat in the racks. Max walks in] MAX: Okay. So, this is where they keep the coats they're ashamed of. LORELAI: Well, this school has taken snobbery to a whole new level. MAX: So, is Rory okay? LORELAI: Oh, yeah, I just went back there. She's taking care of Paris, but she's good, thanks. MAX: I must say, I've been a teacher for ten years now, and it wasn't until today I realized, it must be really hard to be a girl. LORELAI: And with the invention of Sephora, really expensive, too. MAX: I'm very sorry. LORELAI: Oh, don't be. At least we get to wear skirts without being Scottish or riding a float in the gay pride parade. MAX: Well, that'll change someday my friend, and when it does, I still won't wear a skirt. But I'll applaud those that do, and then cross the street so nobody sees I'm with them. LORELAI: It was nice seeing you. MAX: Nice to see you, too. LORELAI: Take care of yourself. MAX: I will. [They kiss] MAX: And apparently, I'm not over it. CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S BEDROOM [Jackson taps Sookie on the shoulder] SOOKIE: I'm not getting rid of my knives, Jackson. I'm a chef, I have to have knives. JACKSON: Sookie. SOOKIE: And I'm also not cutting off the water supply and I'm not sanding down all the edges of my furniture. Now, I'm sorry that you think this house is a deathtrap, and I'm sorry that you think there is nothing in our lifestyles that is conducive to having a baby, but our kid is gonna have to be bright enough not to disconnect the water hose that goes to the automatic ice maker and shove it up his or her nose. Now go to sleep. JACKSON: Did I tell you how happy I am? SOOKIE: No, you didn't. JACKSON: I have never been happier about anything in my entire life. SOOKIE: Really? JACKSON: Our wedding day, but this is running a really close second. SOOKIE: Jackson. JACKSON: Now if you would just get rid of the knives, I think it could make it a tie. I wasn't kidding about the knives. SOOKIE: Goodnight Jackson. JACKSON: If I could read you the statistics just one more time. SOOKIE: I love you, Jackson. JACKSON: Hold on, I'll find them. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory walk across the yard toward the mailbox] RORY: But LORELAI: I don't know. RORY: What does this mean? LORELAI: I don't know. RORY: What are you gonna do? LORELAI: I don't know. RORY: What about Alex? LORELAI: I don't know. RORY: But is Max going to LORELAI: Oh, honey, have you gotten the clue? There's not gonna be a wealth of information tonight. RORY: Sorry. [they stop at the mailbox] It's just so. . . [Lorelai opens the mailbox. She pulls out a large envelope and hands it to Rory] LORELAI: The big one. RORY: Looks like Paris was right. [Lorelai pulls out two more large envelopes] LORELAI: Apparently, you are the biggest virgin in the world. Wow. So, what? RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: Well, what does this mean? RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: Which one are you gonna choose? RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: I guess we better go inside. We both have a lot of things to figure out, huh? RORY: Yup. LORELAI: Yeah. So what are the odds that Paris is ever gonna have s*x again in this lifetime? RORY: I don't know.

Rory and Paris compete for the honor of speaking at Chilton's Bicentennial; Sookie and Jackson get some very good life (and diaper) changing news; Paris and Rory reconcile; Lorelai runs into Max and it's apparent that they're not quite over each other yet; Paris sleeps with Jamie and then has a meltdown on national television when she fails to get into Harvard, thinking her sleeping with Jamie is the cause; Rory's college acceptance letters finally arrive; Paris isn't sure what to think about the latest development in her relationship with Jamie.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_10x16

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_10x16_0

PLANET OF THE DALEKS BY: TERRY NATION 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. JUNGLE (The DALEK is now fully revealed. The DOCTOR finishes spraying it and passes his canister back to CODAL. He then gives the still casing a shake...) DOCTOR: Motive power - nil... (...waves a finger in front of the eye-stalk...) DOCTOR: Total loss of vision... (...looks round the midriff of the creature...) DOCTOR: Sensor plates not functioning... (...and gives the gun stick a few pushes.) DOCTOR: ...and weaponry deactivated. TARON: You seem to know a good deal about Daleks? DOCTOR: Yes, well I've had cause to. (He taps the DALEK.) DOCTOR: This one's something new. I've never come across Daleks that have mastered invisibility before. VABER: They haven't mastered it - not completely. CODAL: As far as we can tell, they can only stay invisible for very short periods. TARON: Even so, it gives them quite an advantage. DOCTOR: Yes, a terrifying advantage. Have you any idea how they do it? TARON: Codal's our scientist. CODAL: They discovered it by studying the Spiridons. It's an anti-reflecting lightwave. Their problem is that to create the energy required, they have to generate fantastic power, so they can't sustain it for very long. DOCTOR: I see. CODAL: I'd like to investigate a bit further. (He puts his hands on the slats beneath the dome.) CODAL: Let's lift off the top so that... DOCTOR: No, don't do that! No, most Daleks have an automatic distress call. Even when they're deactivated, the transmitter may keep functioning. (TARON looks at CODAL who removes his hands.) TARON: Thank you...Doctor. (The two men smile an understanding at each other.) TARON: Let's go. (The DOCTOR nods and lets TARON lead the way off through the jungle.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. JUNGLE. SPACECRAFT LANDSITE SITE (In the Thal ship...) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. SPACECRAFT (JO comes to on the floor of the cabin. She struggles up, gasping. Catching sight of her arm, she gasps and covers it from her own sight with her jacket. Weakened, she gets to her feet. She spots the log recorder and slumps into a chair. She starts to record...) JO: My hand and...my hand my arm are...infected by...by something I can't describe. It's spreading rapidly...and my hand is...already...quite numb. [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. JUNGLE (The group cautiously make their way through the undergrowth with TARON still in the lead followed by CODAL, the DOCTOR and VABER bringing up the rear. TARON halts.) TARON: You wait here, Doctor. Codal and I will scout ahead. We won't be long. (TARON and the young scientist move off. The DOCTOR sits on a rock.) DOCTOR: Taron seems very cautious? VABER: Too cautious. Things would be different if Miro was still alive. DOCTOR: Oh? Who is Miro. VABER: Expedition commander. He was killed when we landed. DOCTOR: Oh, I'm sorry. And Taron, who's he? VABER: (Sneering.) Spacecraft doctor - next in seniority so he took command. And a fine mess he's making of it. DOCTOR: Oh, do you think so? I thought he seemed to be doing rather well. VABER: Do you? Three more dead? Nothing achieved? Nothing even planned. He'll go on being cautious until we're all killed. DOCTOR: Well, what do you think he should do? VABER: Oh, we've got explosives - and weapons. We could attack the Dalek laboratory and wipe them all out. DOCTOR: How many Daleks are there - do you know? VABER: Well, as far as I know, there's not more than twelve - just a scientific group, here to try and learn the technique of invisibility. One determined attack and we could destroy them all! (VABER sits on another rock.) DOCTOR: Tell me about these creatures that live here - the Spiridons? Are they invisible at all times? VABER: As far as I know. DOCTOR: They working with the Daleks? (Both men fail to spot a tentacle-like object moving towards VABER through some long grass next to him.) VABER: I imagine they've been, er, token subjugated - the usual Dalek technique of rule by terror. DOCTOR: Mass exterminations followed by absolute suppression of the survivors - I know. VABER: I hate all this waiting round. I wish he'd get back and we could get started. (The tentacle slithers nearer...) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLE (Further off, TARON and CODAL scout further. TARON suddenly crouches behind the cover of some bushes and CODAL, without asking, does the same. They watch through a gap in the undergrowth as three DALEKS glide past and off into the trees.) TARON: (Quietly.) Probably going out to recover the one we found. CODAL: (Quietly.) That's a pity. (TARON looks in another direction to the one just taken by the three DALEKS.) TARON: (Whispers.) Let's check out the area in that direction, then get back to the others. CODAL: (Quietly.) Yeah. (They move off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. JUNGLE (The tentacle has made further progress through the undergrowth towards VABER. Meanwhile, DOCTOR'S attention has been caught by two of the plants next to him whose bulbs follow movement. He waves his hand in front of one of them and watches it as VABER checks his gun.) DOCTOR: Fascinating. VABER: The eye-plants? DOCTOR: Mmm. VABER: They've come in very useful. DOCTOR: Oh, how? (The DOCTOR makes the other plant move.) VABER: They get very agitated whenever an invisible Spiridon comes near them. It's given us a...well, a kind of early-warning system. (The DOCTOR is intent of looking at the eye-plants. Suddenly, he hears VABER cry out. He looks up and sees that the tentacle has moved with incredible swiftness and has wrapped itself round the body of the young Thal, pulling him to the ground.) DOCTOR: Vaber! (The DOCTOR tries pulling the tentacle off but it hangs onto its victim like a boa constrictor.) VABER: Get my knife! (The DOCTOR reaches into a holder on VABER'S belt.) DOCTOR: Right, hang on! Just hang on! (He takes the knife out.) DOCTOR: I got it! (VABER'S hand is clutching onto the tentacle where the DOCTOR needs to cut it.) DOCTOR: Quickly - your hand. Let go! Let it go! Let it go.) (The DOCTOR cuts into the tentacle. An animal scream of pain screeches out but VABER is freed as TARON and CODAL run up.) TARON: What happened? DOCTOR: Oh, it's alright. Nothing much. Just some sort of tentacle trying to make a breakfast of our friend here. (VABER staggers to his feet.) TARON: Vaber? VABER: (Gasping.) Alright... TARON: Are you sure? VABER: (Snaps.) I said I'm alright! (VABER holds up his hand for his knife which the DOCTOR still holds.) VABER: (Gratefully.) Thanks, Doctor. DOCTOR: My pleasure. Made an interesting little object lesson. VABER: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Well, just that it shows the...the need for continued caution, I think? VABER: (Riled.) You think I don't know that? I have been here rather longer than you have. The danger's not going to scare me into doing nothing! (He looks pointedly at TARON.) TARON: Vaber... DOCTOR: There's a considerable difference between courage and reckless stupidity, you know! VABER: If I have to die, I want it to be for a better reason than providing nourishment for a flesh-eating tentacle! CODAL: The eye-plants are moving. (The bulbs of the plants that the DOCTOR was investigating swing round.) TARON: (Whispers urgently.) It's a Spiridon patrol! Quick - over there! (The four rush off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. JUNGLE. SPACECRAFT LANDSITE SITE (JO, her jacket still slung over her infected arm, staggers out of the Thal ship. Very weak, she tries a few steps but falls into the soil, dropping the TARDIS log as she does so. She looks up as she hears the hoarse breathing of the invisible creature that investigated the ship. She manages to get to her feet and makes it back into the ship as some of the bushes start to move.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. SPACECRAFT (Inside, JO soon collapses again, much weakened now.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. JUNGLE. SPACECRAFT LANDSITE SITE (The bushes move more, and then the door to the Thal ship and the structure moves slightly as the Spiridon steps onto the threshold of the ship and towards a recumbent JO.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. JUNGLE (Bushes are also moving near to where the DOCTOR is crouched down with the Thals.) TARON: (Whispers urgently.) They're coming closer! DOCTOR: Unless they change direction, they're bound to find us. VABER: Why wait? We're well armed - let's attack now! TARON: Don't be stupid. There could be dozens of them. (The movement of the bushes gets nearer and nearer.) CODAL: I'll try and lead them off. (Without waiting for a response from the others, he suddenly gets up and rushes off in a direction away from his companions. Within seconds, the bushes behind him start to thrash about as the Spiridons follow.) TARON: Codal's given us a chance. Let's not waste it! (They move off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLE (CODAL comes to a rest. Almost immediately, his arms pinion straight behind him as the invisible pursuers catch him. He clutches onto his gun but his arm is held straight and he cannot fire. Nearby, a stick of wood rises into the air, hovers over CODAL'S head and then comes crashing down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. JUNGLE. SPACECRAFT LANDSITE SITE (The DOCTOR, TARON and VABER have made it back to the Thal ship. The DOCTOR spots the TARDIS log on the ground and picks it up.) TARON: There's our ship. Your friend's inside. DOCTOR: Thank you. (VABER suddenly spots movement...) VABER: Wait - something moving, other side of the clearing. TARON: Where? (He looks briefly in the direction indicated.) TARON: Quick - get through there! (They dash through some bushes and hide. A second later, two DALEKS glide into the clearing and see the Thal ship.) FIRST DALEK: Primitive spacecraft of type originating on Skaro. Report discovery to command centre. SECOND DALEK: Dalek patrol two calling command centre - we have located Thal spacecraft. Indicate course of action. (The DOCTOR and the Thals continue to watch through the shrubbery...) SECOND DALEK: Command centre orders the craft is to be destroyed. FIRST DALEK: Position to fire. (The two DALEKS glide closer.) DOCTOR: (To TARON.) But Jo Grant's inside your ship - I've gotta do something! TARON: There's nothing you can do. (Meanwhile...) FIRST DALEK: Aim... (The DOCTOR bursts from the bushes and stands between the DALEKS and the ship.) DOCTOR: No...wait! Wait...somebody's still in there. FIRST DALEK: Save for interrogation. Disable. (The DALEKS fire. As the air turns negative, the DOCTOR cries out in pain and clutches his legs. He falls to the ground, crawling like a baby.) FIRST DALEK: Proceed as ordered. DOCTOR: (Shouts.) No! No! FIRST DALEK: Fire. (The DALEKS fire and explosions and smoke pour out of the Thal ship.) FIRST DALEK: Repeat - full power. (They fire again at the small craft. The helpless DOCTOR looks on sadly.) DOCTOR: Jo... (The two DALEKS, their task completed, hover over the DOCTOR.) FIRST DALEK: Stand...or we will exterminate you now. (The DOCTOR painfully stumbles to his feet as the Thals watch.) VABER: We've got to help him. TARON: There's nothing we can do - nothing. (The DOCTOR, his face creased with pain, is upright.) FIRST DALEK: Walk! (The DOCTOR manages a few steps. He casts one look back at the ship.) FIRST DALEK: (Angrily.) Walk! (They move off. The two remaining Thals get disconsolately to their feet.) TARON: Let's get away from here. [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. DALEK CITY. UPPER LEVEL CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR, his legs much recovered, walks along one of the corridors of the Thal city followed by his two captors. They turn a corner and come to a halt in front of a lift door.) FIRST DALEK: Wait. (One of the DALEKS presses a sensor and the lift door opens.) FIRST DALEK: Walk. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. DALEK CITY. UPPER LEVEL CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR and the first DALEK alone enter the lift. This DALEK turns and presses another sensor inside. The door closes and the lift starts to descend past several floors as the DOCTOR looks at the DALEK in an awkward silence. The lift comes to a halt and the DALEK presses the sensor to open the door again.) FIRST DALEK: Walk! [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. DALEK CITY. LOWER LEVEL CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR walks out of the lift into a similar looking but darker corridor. They turn a corner and another DALEK is stood outside a door.) FIRST DALEK: Halt! (The DALEK presses a sensor next to the door and it opens to reveal a small cell.) FIRST DALEK: Enter. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. DALEK CITY. CELL (The DOCTOR walks in. CODAL, his weapons belt taken from him, is sat on one of two stools but the DOCTOR at first fails to spot him.) CODAL: Doctor! (He gets up to greet the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Codal? So, they captured you too, did they? CODAL: Where are the others - Taron and Vaber? DOCTOR: Well, they're alright as far as I know. How are you? CODAL: Mmm, I'm fine. Splitting headache, but...I'll survive. DOCTOR: That's good. (The two men sit.) CODAL: (Nervously.) Why didn't they kill us straight away, Doctor? DOCTOR: Ah, I expect they're saving us for interrogation. They'll want to know what we're doing on this planet. You know, what you did back there, leading the searchers away from us, was very courageous. CODAL: I just didn't give myself time to think. If I had, I certainly wouldn't have taken the risk. DOCTOR: Oh, I don't know. I think you're doing yourself rather an injustice there. If you hadn't acted the way you did, we'd have all been captured. They give medals for that sort of bravery. CODAL: Bravery? I've been terrified ever since I landed on this planet. It's different for Taron and Vaber - they're professionals. They've seen action before. DOCTOR: And do you think they're any the less brave because of that? CODAL: They know how to deal with fear. They're used to living close to death. I'm not - I'm a scientist, not an adventurer. DOCTOR: Well, forgive me if I'm wrong, but...aren't you a volunteer? CODAL: Yes. DOCTOR: Then you must have known what you were getting into? CODAL: No. None of us did. We're not a warlike people, Doctor. We've only just developed space-flight. No one had attempted a voyage of this length before, but every man and woman from my division volunteered - over six hundred of them. You see, I didn't even have the courage to be the odd man out. (The DOCTOR laughs.) CODAL: What are you laughing at? DOCTOR: Ah, you, my friend. You may be a very brilliant scientist but you have very little understanding of people, particularly yourself. Courage isn't just a matter of not being frightened, you know? CODAL: What is it then? DOCTOR: It's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway - just as you did. CODAL: I'm not convinced...but thanks anyway. (They smile. The DOCTOR claps his hands.) DOCTOR: Right, well after that little tutorial on bravery, let's see if we can find a way of getting out of here. CODAL: (Amazed.) Escape? DOCTOR: Yes, escape. Well, let's take a look in our pockets and see if we can come up with something that might prove useful. Come on. Turn 'em out. (The two men start to rifle through their own pockets. The first thing the DOCTOR takes out is a familiar looking object...) DOCTOR: Hmm, sonic screwdriver... CODAL: Battery... (They drop their findings on the floor.) DOCTOR: Fancy hankie... (The next thing the DOCTOR takes out is the TARDIS log. He switches it on.) JO: (OOV: On log.) Shortly after entering the TARDIS, the Doctor fell into a...deep coma. (He switches it off.) CODAL: Wasn't that the girl we met - your assistant? DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Yes, that's right. She'd gone to fetch help for me. The Daleks... CODAL: Took her prisoner? DOCTOR: No, they murdered her. (CODAL falls silent. The DOCTOR sadly switches the recorder back on and listens to JO'S voice.) JO: (OOV: On log.) ...his respiration was very shallow...and his skin icy to the touch. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. CAVE (But JO is not dead. She lies unconscious under a blanket of a fur, coloured several gaudy shades of purple, in a cave filled with reed like bushes that is almost out in the jungle. Above her, the invisible creature breathes hoarsely. Two primitive bowls hover over her, pouring a brown liquid from one bowl to the other. The furs start to be pulled off JO. This brings her round and she woozily sits up in alarm. Her entire forearm is now covered with the fungus. The invisible creature speaks in a breathless voice...) WESTER: Don't be afraid. I want to help you. (JO watches as the two bowls continue mixing.) JO: What are you doing? (The bowl that ends up being the receptacle for the liquid hovers over to her arm. She flinches it back.) WESTER: You've been infected by the fungoids. This will clear it. (The bowl turns and pours its liquid over the infection. JO looks round.) JO: Where are we? WESTER: A cave near the city. I found you unconscious in a spacecraft and brought you here. It was fortunate I found you in time. The machine was destroyed shortly after by the Daleks. JO: Daleks! Daleks here?! WESTER: You did not know? JO: Who are you? Why did you help me? There's so much I want to ask you...and I...I don't know where to s...where to begin. (JO starts to look sleepy.) WESTER: All in good time. You must rest while the potion is taking effect. When you're feeling better, I'll tell you everything...I can. (JO falls back with her eyes closed and starts to sleep.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. DALEK CITY. CELL (The DOCTOR runs his sonic screwdriver over the edge of the cell door.) DOCTOR: No, that's hopeless. If there's one thing the Daleks are very good at making, and that is locks. CODAL: Well, what now - if we can't even get the door open? DOCTOR: Well, we'll just have to start our escape when the door's already open. CODAL: But they'll be a Dalek standing outside. DOCTOR: Yes, exactly. So, we're not trying to deal with a door, we're trying to deal with a Dalek. CODAL: How? DOCTOR: How. A very good question. (He walks back to the stools.) DOCTOR: How... (He sits down and looks over their collection of objects spread over the floor.) DOCTOR: Well, there must something here that could prove useful. CODAL: There's nothing that I can see. DOCTOR: (To himself.) Come on, come on! We've got to think of something. CODAL: Well, the one thing we have got is time. DOCTOR: On the contrary, my friend, the Daleks don't intend to let us rot down here, you know? [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. DALEK CITY. CONTROL ROOM (Several DALEKS stand and wait in a control room. It has bare bluish walls with a right-angled bank of controls to the right of the room. A DALEK glides in and up to another at the controls.) DALEK LEADER: Report. DALEK: Section three requests that after interrogation, prisoners should be transferred to their laboratory. DALEK LEADER: State reasons. DALEK: They are required for experiments of light-ray emissions on living tissue. DALEK LEADER: Agreed. Next. DALEK: Central control report that only two Thals are still at liberty. Their capture is expected shortly. [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. JUNGLE (TARON and VABER take two objects out of the undergrowth. They are wrapped in clear plastic bags to protect them. They each have two fat red columns on dynamite held within a white stand with handles attached.) TARON: Well, at least these haven't been found - that's something. VABER: There's enough explosive here to take care of fifty Daleks, never mind twelve. Come on, Taron, we'll take a chance - rush the main entrance. If we can make it down that first tunnel, the blast from these will cave in the whole section - bury the Daleks! TARON: And if we don't make it down that tunnel? VABER: (Impatiently.) Oh, come on, Taron! What's the matter with you? When we came on this mission, you knew there'd be risks. Well let's start taking them! (TARON starts to put the bombs back.) TARON: We make our move when we have a chance of succeeding, not before. (Behind him, VABER has had enough. He takes out his gun and points it at TARON'S back.) VABER: Give me the explosives! (TARON looks up. He remains calm.) TARON: No. VABER: Get them out! I mean it, Taron! I'll kill you if I have to! TARON: And that's the only way you'll get them. (VABER pulls the safety catch of his blaster back. Before he can carry out his threat there is a roar overhead. A wind howls through the patch of jungle and the area is suffused with a red glow. The two men crouch down against this sudden onslaught. It ends with a thump and several small explosions some distance off. The wind having died away, the men look up.) TARON: What's that? (VABER shakes his head, as puzzled as TARON who suddenly realises the cause.) TARON: A spaceship coming in too fast. (There is another explosion.) TARON: Burning up... (Their dispute temporarily forgotten, the two men move off to investigate.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. DALEK CITY. CELL (The DOCTOR looks over the TARDIS log and ponders.) DOCTOR: A tiny motor with an electric power source... (He snaps his fingers.) DOCTOR: That's it. Yes...yes, I'll dismantle the circuitry, reverse the polarity...and convert to a low power receiver transmitter with a positive feedback. CODAL: That's right! The Dalek's guidance system functions by means of high-frequency radio impulses. DOCTOR: Correct, and if we can jam them... CODAL: It should give them quite a headache. DOCTOR: It should give them quite a brainstorm. Give me a screwdriver. (CODAL passes him the object from the floor and the DOCTOR sets to work.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. CAVE (JO is awake and recovered. She looks over her arm which is now clear of the fungus.) WESTER: All trace of the infection has gone. Your arm will be sore for a few days, but that's all. (JO looks up to where the bowl still hovers in the air and smiles.) JO: Thank you. I'm very grateful to you. Tell me some more about your planet? WESTER: Before the Daleks invaded, they bombarded the planet with bacteria. Only a handful of my people survived. When the Daleks landed, we could offer no resistance. Those that were left were forced to cooperate with the Daleks. JO: But you don't? WESTER: No. There are a few of us, not many, who do what we can to fight back, and that's little enough. JO: Why did the Daleks invade you? What did they want? WESTER: To master our techniques of invisibility, and they seem very close to doing it. JO: Is there no way of stopping them? WESTER: They're too powerful. I had hoped the aliens from the spacecraft might help us, but there are so few of them. Two more were captured today. JO: You've seen them? WESTER: When they were taken to the city - a tall fair-haired man, and later, one with silver hair, also tall, wearing strange clothes. (JO smiles in delight as she recognises the description.) JO: The Doctor! Oh! (She gets to her feet.) JO: W...where is he? WESTER: You know him? JO: Well, yes! And I thought... WESTER: He's imprisoned in the city. JO: Well then we must find a way of helping him - get him out! WESTER: There is no way. The Daleks will interrogate him, and then use him in their...experiments. He'd be better off dead. [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. JUNGLE (TARON and VABER make their way through the trees towards the newly arrived ship. The air is filled with a gloomy smoke which causes the two men to cough.) VABER: Something moving... (They see a young blond Thal woman, wearing a beige ribbed spacesuit identical to their own, struggling along through the gloom, also coughing with the smoke. TARON recognises her immediately...) TARON: Rebec! Rebec! (He catches hold of her as she reaches them. Her face and spacesuit are covered with grime and burns. He helps her to sit.) TARON: Are you alright? REBEC: I think so. Our flight angle was too steep and we came in too fast. We were lucky to get out alive. All the equipment, the explosives, everything - gone. TARON: Are you the only survivor? REBEC: No, Maret and Latep - they're following. (TARON looks to VABER who immediately sets off to investigate and help. TARON turns back to REBEC.) TARON: But why did you come? REBEC: Communications intercepted another Dalek space signal. We had to warn you. TARON: Warn us? What about? REBEC: Do you know the strength of the Dalek force here? TARON: Well, it...it's no more than a dozen. REBEC: The signal we intercepted was to Dalek Supreme Command. It stated that the force assembled on Spiridon was now complete. It gave their numbers. Well, somewhere on this planet there are ten thousand Daleks! (TARON looks stunned.)

The Doctor is captured by the Daleks, while Jo is rescued by a friendly Spridon named Wester.

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[Scene: Alley. Paige and Piper orb in.] Paige: Weren't we here before? Doesn't that mattress look strangely familiar? Piper: It's probably because we saw one just like it in the last alley and the hundred and fifty before that. They all start to look the same after a while. Now, where is this paragon of good we're supposed to protect? Paige: Hey, slow down. We gotta be careful, okay? Piper: Okay. I just need to get home before Leo is sentenced. Paige: Don't worry. When the Elders hand down their punishment, you're gonna know. Piper: Well, this waiting business sucks. I mean, Leo was an Avatar for less time than it's taking them to make up their minds. Paige: Hey, it's gonna be okay. You're not gonna lose Leo again. The Elders still need him. They're not gonna do anything rash. Besides...it's Phoebe we should be worrying about. Her man's disappearing tonight. Piper: Her what? She didn't tell me she had a thing for Drake! Paige: Well, I mean, she didn't tell me either, but, come on, he's cute, he's funny, he's smart, and he's destined to leave. I don't know, that kind of sounds like her type to a 'T'. I mean, really, how many times does a girl have to get hurt before she just kind of wakes up? (A woman walks in behind Paige, carrying flyers.) Piper: So you think she's...the innocent. Paige: No, I don't think she's the innocent. I think she definitely has a part in this and she absolutely... (The woman walks up to them. Paige is startled.) Piper: Behind you, the innocent. Woman: If you women need a hot meal and a place to crash, there's a... Paige: Okay, hi. I'm wearing lip-gloss. Do I look homeless? Piper: For god's sakes. (Piper freezes her. A demon shimmers in. Piper blows the demon up.) I think Phoebe's just been...unlucky in love lately. Paige: Do ya think?! Hey! (Three more demons shimmer in. Piper gets the woman out of the way. Two demons throw fireballs. The woman falls to the ground, unconscious. Piper and Paige take cover behind a dumpster.) Uh, ugly metal...thing! (She orbs a metal pipe. It vanquishes them. Another one blows a thorns. Piper blows her up, but one thorn hits her hand.) Piper: Ah! Ah... (Paige pulls the thorn out.) Did we know that the female spits thorns? [Scene: Manor. Paige and Piper orb in.] Paige: Okay, we really need to have Leo look at this. Piper: It's fine, really. Leo! (Leo comes down the stairs, wearing his Elder robes.) Why are you wearing those? Leo: The Elders made their decision. I have to go. Piper: Right now? You can't go right now. The boys are in school. We won't be able to see... (Leo walks down the stairs.) Leo: Honey, this isn't goodbye. I'm just going up there to find out what my punishment is. Piper: What do you mean 'just'? You make it sound like it's no big deal. What if it's bad? Leo: Well, then we'll deal with it. Come on. You're the one who said the Elders couldn't yak me away, remember? Piper: Well, that was before I had all this time to stress out about it. Leo: Well, at least now we're finally gonna know. I mean, that's a good thing, right? The waiting's been killing us. (Piper sighs.) Piper: Yeah, I know. It's just...I have a bad feeling. Leo: Me too. (He sighs.) But we've been through worse. You just have to have faith, okay? (They kiss.) I love you. Piper: I love you, too. Paige: Good luck. (Leo orbs out.) [Scene: Golden Gate Bridge. Leo is there with two Elders (Female Elder and Male Elder).] Female Elder: Unfortunately, the council has been unable to decide your fate, Leo. Leo: So, that's good, right? I'm not going to be punished? Male Elder: We didn't say that. Female Elder: We understand and we fully accept how being betrayed by an Elder, by Gideon, led you to the Avatars. Male Elder: Still, that doesn't excuse your betraying us. Female Elder: The council has come to realize that the central problem is your effort to balance two distinctly different worlds - yours with us and yours with Piper. Male Elder: So the only solution is to find out which world you truly belong in once and for all. Leo: How? Male Elder: A test, if you will. Female Elder: You'll be made mortal, stripped of your powers and your memories, and then you'll be relocated. Male Elder: If the love you share for Piper is so strong that you're drawn back to her despite all odds, then you will live with her forever. Female Elder: To live fully as a human without any interference from us ever again. Leo: But what if I never find her, then what? Male Elder: Then it means that your destiny is with us and we will welcome you, although you'll never see your family again. Leo: Are you out of your mind? I won't do that. Male Elder: You have no choice. Female Elder: You have to know, Leo, this is not about punishing you. This is about helping you to find your way. Leo: Okay, but if I end up with Piper, how do I know you won't eventually butt in again? Or if I wind up with you as an Elder, how do you know I'm not gonna leave...by falling from grace? Male Elder: No Elder has ever done that before. Leo: You take away my family and I will. Female Elder: We are not taking away anything from you, Leo. This is about you making a choice, not us. Don't you see? This is the only way. Your heart will guide you to your true destiny, be it love or the greater good. Whatever way it turns out, we will honor it...as you also must. Leo: Fine. I'll do it. But first I'm going to say bye to Piper. Male Elder: It doesn't work that way. Leo: Look...I said I'd take your damn test. I'm going to say goodbye to my family. Male Elder: No. The test begins now! (He smacks Leo on the chest and Leo disappears in white orbs.) [Scene: Road in Texas. Leo is standing there. A truck horn beeps and swerves to avoid him. The truck flips off the road and over. Leo runs over.] Leo: Come on, we got to get you out of here. (The driver groans as Leo helps him away from the truck. The truck explodes.) Driver: Oh god...oh. (He groans in pain. Leo has a flashback) [Flashback: War Zone. Bombs fall and explode. Leo grabs a soldier and issues him orders as he runs.] [Present. Leo picks up a small stick.] Driver: Oh, hey, what the hell are you...you got any idea what you're doing? (Leo hands the stick to the driver.) Leo: Bite down. (The driver puts the stick in his mouth. Leo grabs his arm.) Get in there. (He resets the driver's shoulder. The driver spits the stick out and smiles.) Driver: How'd the hell you know how to do that? (Leo checks the driver's leg. He takes a piece of cloth and ties it around the driver's leg.) Leo: Doesn't look too bad. They should be able to sew that up. Driver: Finally got lucky for once, almost running over a doctor. You are a doctor...right? Leo: I don't know. [Scene: Manor. Piper is watering the plants in the dinning room. Phoebe, Drake, and Paige are there.] Phoebe: What do you mean you don't know? Paige: Leo went to speak to the Elders this morning. Haven't seen or heard from him since. Phoebe: Well, that's crazy. We've been to the Alps and back. How long does it take to hand down a sentence? Drake: Well, in defense of the Elders, when you live for an eternity, time does get a little skewed. Piper: Yeah, well, we're human, so this is torture. Phoebe: Well, this is ridiculous. (To ceiling) Hey! Listen, what the hell did you do to Leo? Paige: I tried that already. Didn't work so much. Phoebe: Well, you know what? I'm not saving another innocent until I find out what happened. (To ceiling) You hear me? I'm not saving another innocent until you tell us what's going on here. (Female Elder orbs in.) Female Elder: Don't worry. Leo's fine. Piper: So then where is he? Female Elder: Piper, the Elders came to the consensus that Leo has lost his way, so we've sent him on the path towards following his destiny. Drake: Like the prodigal son out to find his way in the world? Piper: Uh, you know what? This Elder-speak is not working for me. I need some straight answers. What exactly did you do to him? Female Elder: We erased his memories and put him back on Earth as a mortal, somewhere you'll never find him. Phoebe: What? He doesn't remember anything? He doesn't remember Piper or his sons - nothing? Female Elder: Not even having been an Elder. Piper: That's crazy. You don't have the right to wipe out someone's mind, an entire life, my life! Female Elder: Leo was not just someone, Piper. He was an Elder, by his own choice. He knew all that that entailed. Piper: Yeah, he was also a husband and a father by choice, and he would never abandon his family. Female Elder: This was not an easy decision for us. We love Leo up there as much as you do down here. He wasn't killed or recycled. I hope that you can find comfort in that. (Piper walks toward her.) Piper: I'm sorry. You just lobotomized the love of my life, and you want me to take comfort in what? You've got a lot of nerve, lady. Now, I don't want to see you again or any of your kind ever again. We're done with all of you. Now, please...go. Female Elder: Don't give up hope. Piper: You really need to stop talking now. Please get out of my house. (She orbs out.) That's ridiculous. (She walks into the parlor. Phoebe follows. Piper sits on the couch.) Phoebe: Okay, Piper, I know this seems really bad, but we can't give up hope. Leo is out there somewhere, and I'm sure there's lots of ways we can find him. Piper: How? Phoebe: Uh, I don't know. We can scry for him, although he doesn't have his powers, so that might b-be difficult. We could - I don't know. I just, I don't know. Paige: This is your idea of a rah-rah speech? You're supposed to be cheering her up, not pushing her off the ledge! (Phoebe sits.) Phoebe: Well, you know what, Paige? Maybe I'm just all rah-rah'ed out. Paige: Huh? (She sits on the coffee table.) Phoebe: Maybe it's time we face the fact that, you know, perhaps we're not meant to find love. Paige: That is ridiculous! Phoebe: Okay, think about it. How many Halliwell women have actually been able to hold onto their men? Piper: Name one. Paige: Okay, uh...oh my God, you're right. That's so depressing. Phoebe: Exactly. We're destined to be spinsters, all for the greater good. Piper: Might as well be nuns, with better outfits. Drake: Now, we, all right, let's... (He throws his gloves down.) Eighty-six that kinda talk, people. We will not give up on love. Repeat: Not give up on love. Love is everything. It's the only thing. It's why you're here. It's why I'm here. Paige: Uh, I thought you were here to teach at Magic School. Drake: There's that, but the point is, you're young, you're hot, you got magic powers. Come on, the whole life's ahead of you! Phoebe: That's really sweet, and we appreciate you trying, but you die tonight at midnight, and we have to keep fighting. Drake: Yeah, I may be toast, but love never dies. You might as well die with me if you're gonna give up on it. The point is, Leo and Piper's love, it's epic, it's massive. It's Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra, Brad and Jennifer. Piper: All tragedies, I might add. Drake: Better to have loved and lost and...yadda, yadda, yadda. But the point is, it's not lost. I mean, he's lost, but he's not lost, you know? All you gotta do is find Leo. Paige: Well, either way, if the Elders don't want us to find him, we're not gonna be able to. Drake: They didn't say that. They're gonna leave it up to him. Come on, precious time is a-wasting. The longer you take to look for Leo, the harder he's gonna be to find. Or we stay here and feel sorry for ourselves if you like. Piper: My husband just developed a serious case of amnesia, okay? Give me a moment. Drake: Phoebe? (He takes her hand and pulls her up. They dances her around.) If love isn't worth fighting fore then... (He dips her.) What is? (Phoebe laughs.) Phoebe: Okay. This is what we're gonna do. We'll look in the Book of Shadows and see if there's another way to find Leo. Drake: Amen. Paige: Okay. I guess I could check at magic school. Drake: Now we're talking. Phoebe: Piper, call Darryl. Now that Leo's mortal, he might be able to track him. Drake: Amen! Can we go upstairs? Phoebe: Wha...? Drake: The B-Book of Shadows. Phoebe: Yes! (Drake and Phoebe rush upstairs. Paige orbs out. Piper gets up, but wobbles.) [Scene: Texas Sheriff's department. Sheriff takes Leo's fingerprints.] Sheriff: Well, that ought to do it. Once we get you into the system, we'll be on the road to finding out who you really are. (He puts the fingerprint card aside.) Leo: Thanks. Sheriff: Are you sure you don't remember anything? I mean, normally, a person with amnesia remembers something. Leo: I wish I did. Believe me. Sheriff: Yeah. Well, at least we know you're one of the good guys. Saved old Clyde's life. (He chuckles.) You know, son, the paramedics told me that the way you fixed up his leg looked professional. Leo: Instinct, I guess. Sheriff: Seems to me that...you could be a doctor or medic or something. Anything ring a bell? Leo: No. Nothing. Sheriff: Well, okay. It's okay. It'll come to you. Just gonna take some time. You see that? Old Glen's got you in the database already. (The door slams. Leo is startled.) [Flashback: Leo is blasting a demon with a bolt of electricity.] [Present. Leo stares at the man.] Sheriff: Son, you're bound to be a bit jumpy. I'm guessing you went through some kind of hell to get here. Leo: Yeah. Yeah, maybe. (Sheriff picks up his hat.) Sheriff: Come on. Let me take you over to Nadine's, get you something to eat while we sift through the computer. Leo: I'd rather stay here. Sheriff: A man can't think straight on an empty stomach. Besides, chances are you got some loved ones out there looking for you, and once we get the word out...well, they'll find you soon enough. (He slaps Leo on the arm.) Come on. (He and Leo leave.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe is scrying. Drake sits.] Phoebe: We'll never find him, not scrying anyway, and I don't think we're gonna make it to the Taj Mahal by sunset. I feel terrible about...ruining your last day here. Drake: Hey, don't scry for me, Argentina. (Phoebe chuckles.) I'm exactly where I want to be. Phoebe: In a dingy attic? Drake: Helping those I'm leaving behind, yeah. Phoebe: Yeah, see, that's the other really irritating thing... (Phoebe sits down.) You're hell bent on helping Piper and Leo, and yet you won't let us help you. Drake: Phoebe, I made a deal. I got to be human for a whole year. Time's up. Phoebe: I know, but you made a deal with a demon. We're the good guys, the Charmed Ones. Why won't you let us help you? Drake: Because I've done all I need to do to die a happy man, all except for one thing. Phoebe: See Niagara Falls? Drake: Make sure you don't give up on love. Phoebe: Please. Not that again. (She goes back to scrying.) Look, I'm just being realistic, okay? I have been heartbroken so many times by love that I'm just beginning to think that I'm supposed to live my life without it. Drake: What...that is ridiculous. Nobody is. I've been demonic without love, so I know what I'm talking about. Love is transcendent. It's miraculous. It's also what can save Piper and Leo. Phoebe: Yeah, well, I hope so, because if it can't, I'm joining the convent. (Phoebe puts the crystal down. Paige orbs in.) Paige: Hey. Drake: Hi. Paige: Well, it looks as if the Elders had an original thought for once, because there's no precedence for what they've done to Leo. Phoebe: Yeah. We can't find anything here either. Paige: Okay, well, maybe I should try scrying for him. Maybe my Whitelighter side can tap into something in him? (Phoebe hands Paige the crystal.) It would be great to be able to tell Piper something good for once. (Paige starts to scry.) [Cut to downstairs. Piper's pacing on the phone.] Piper: Darryl, you have to do something, anything. Darryl: Look Piper, I'm doing the best that I can, but the only fingerprints that I have on Leo are from World War II, and I can't use them because they don't match his photograph. He's...too young. Piper: Okay, Darryl, but you have to find him. Darryl: I will. I promise. It just might take a little time. Piper: Well, how long? Long enough that he has a whole new life, a new wife and new kids? That is not okay. That is not acceptable! Darryl: Piper, just take a breath. Piper: Okay look, I don't need to take a breath. I need to find my husband! (She hangs up. She breathes heavily and starts going upstairs.) Oh god. Someone please help me. (She collapses on the floor. She stands up and starts walking up the stairs. She looks down to see her body.) Oh no. Am I dead again? (Cole is standing nearby.) Cole: No. Well, not yet anyway. (He smiles. Piper goes over to Cole.) Piper: I don't know which is worse - the fact that I'm dying or that, apparently, I'm gonna be spending my last dying moments with you. Cole: I'd say that's what you should be worried about. You're not looking so hot. (He smiles.) What? Piper: What? Don't what me, Cole. What are you doing here? Cole: You called for me. (Piper chuckles.) Piper: I didn't call for you. Cole: You asked for help. Here I am. Piper: Like hell. You're the answer to my prayers? I don't think so. That's just plain... (Phoebe and Paige rush downstairs. Drake follows.) Phoebe: Piper? Paige: Oh my god! (They shake her.) Phoebe: Piper! Piper, wake up! Paige: Piper! (Piper waves her arms.) Piper: Yoo-hoo guys. Hi. Over here. Cole: They can't hear you. Paige: Oh my god. Cole: Or see you. Paige: The thorn demon. I know I should have had Leo heal her. Phoebe: Or maybe it's the shock of losing Leo? Drake: Or maybe both. (Piper waves her arms.) Piper: Guys, yoo-hoo! Look, really, over here. Watch. (She tries to knock over the lamp, but her hand goes through.) Cole: Nice try. Piper: Shut up. Drake: Ran into a few of these thorn demons myself. (He snaps his fingers and Piper's body appears in his arms.) Those pricks can be vicious. Pun intended. The poison works slowly, but it's also fatal. (He puts Piper's body on the couch.) Phoebe: Wait. Fatal? Okay, I don't see any other choice. We're gonna have to call the Elders to heal her. Piper: Over my dead body! Paige: Are you kidding? Piper will kill us! Phoebe: At least she'll be alive! Paige: But if it's slow working, that'll give us time. Maybe we can have some sort of options or something. Phoebe: You know what? I hate this. I feel so out of control, like there's nothing that we can do. Drake: There's something we can do. All right? We gotta find Leo. Paige: Except he can't help us anymore. Drake: Actually, he's the only one who can. You weren't paying attention to my little love rant. That's exactly what we're dealing with here. Phoebe: Are you saying she's lovesick? Piper: That's ridiculous! Drake: Yeah. And it could kill her. Happens all the time to the bereaved after they lose a loved one. Even if we heal Piper, she still needs Leo. Cole: Pay attention. He could be onto something. Piper: What do you know? Paige: Okay, uh, maybe you and I should go down to see Darryl and help speed this whole thing up. Piper: Unh, people, come on. It's a poison thorn. Could somebody please go check the book? Drake: I think I'm going to check the, uh, book upstairs, see what I can do for Piper down here. Phoebe: Call us if she gets worse. (Drake runs upstairs.) Drake: Don't worry. Love will conquer all! (Phoebe and Paige begin to leave.) Cole: What beauty. She doth teach the torches to burn bright. (Phoebe walks back and looks.) Paige: What? (They see nothing.) Phoebe: Nothing. (They leave.) Piper: Since when do you quote Shakespeare? Cole: It's a recent affliction, actually. But the demon is right, you know. It is all about love. Piper: What are you exactly? Ghost, demon, poltergeist, nightmare? Cole: None of the above. We're caught in a cosmic void...between life and death. Piper: I'm stuck with you? Cole: No. If you play your cards right, you can get out of this nasty limbo. I'm the one who's here for all eternity. Piper: Paying penance for your evil past. Cole: You always were the smart one. Piper: Cut the crap. Cole: And direct. I miss that. Actually no, I don't. Piper: Can you please just tell me what you're doing here? Cole: Simple. I'm here to help keep you and Leo together. Piper: Right. (She walks away. Cole appears.) Cole: I'm trying to do a good deed here, make sure that you don't end up like me, and this is the thanks I get. Piper: I know what you're doing. This is just a ploy to break out of your ungodly plane and back into our lives. See? I'm right. Cole: I'll be the first to admit I'm not above having an ulterior motive. Piper: Exactly. Cole: But I'm here for one reason and one reason only: To help you find your love while you still can. [Scene: Diner. Nadine's. Leo is finishing up a piece of pie at the counter. Waitress (Nadine) walks up and takes his plate.] Nadine: Well, looks like you worked up an appetite being the big hero this morning. You know what? Since it's on the house, why don't you try something a bit more substantial? (Nadine pulls out the menu.) Leo: No, this is amazing. I think it was the best pie I've ever had. Nadine: Oh, you know what? I'd take that as a compliment except that you can't remember tying your own shoelaces. You know what? I bet you have someone somewhere who cooks for you just fine, when it all comes back to you. Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry. I tend to stick my foot in it. Leo: No, it's-it's okay. I just wish I could remember (He wipes his mouth with a napkin.) Nadine: It looks like you had a wedding ring on, huh? Leo: Yeah, I-I guess. [Flashback: Leo gets on his knees. He slips an engagement ring on Piper's finger.] [Present.] Nadine: Maybe she dumped you. Leo: What? No. Nadine: Yeah, maybe she smacked you on the head with some cast iron for cheating on her and knocked you out. Wish I'd done that when I found my husband cheating on me. (She chuckles.) Leo: She didn't dump me. Nadine: Are you remembering something? Leo: It's just...a feeling. (He hears a woman giggling. Leo sees a young couple in a booth. He turns to the TV to see a man and woman kissing.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Police Department. Paige is sitting behind the desk, talking on the phone. Phoebe is writing across from her.] Paige: (To phone) Yes. Amnesia. He doesn't remember a thing. His family's getting desperate. Yeah, we'll send a photo right over. Thank you. (She hangs up.) Well, a hundred and fifty police stations down and another ba-jillion to go. It's like searching for the proverbial needle in a haystack. Phoebe: I know it's daunting, but we can't give up hope. Paige: I'm thinking maybe that Elder didn't want us to. Phoebe: What are you saying? Paige: I think she was trying to say something to us or at least tell Piper something. Why would she tell Piper not to give up hope if all hope is already lost? Phoebe: So you think it's some kind of test? Paige: Well, if it is, it's one we'd better pass. (Darryl walks over with a file.) Phoebe: Hey. Any luck? Darryl: Well, besides the John Doe that you two found matching Leo's description, you know, my guys have come up with two more so far. Phoebe: Is there any way we could speed this up? Darryl: I have as many men as I can on it without drawing suspicion from Sheridan. (An officer walks over, handing Darryl a file.) Officer: This looks like something you might want to see. John Doe just saved some guy's life in Texas. [Scene: Nadie's. Leo steps out. He sees a big rig. It has a California sign on the front. The driver steps out. It's the Male Elder.] Male Elder: Can I help you? Leo: I don't know. Maybe. Are-are you going to San Francisco? Male Elder: Want a ride? Leo: Sure. Male Elder: Well, hop in. Leo: Thanks. (He and Male Elder gets in.) [Time lapse. The big rig drives out.] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Drake is looking through the Book of Shadows.] Drake: You got to have a remedy in here somewhere. Now, come on, damn it! (He hits the book. It flies to the floor.) Sorry. Sorry. Let a little bit of the old demon slip out there. Won't happen again. (He reaches for the book, but it flies away. Drake crawls toward the book.) Come on, would you? I... (He notices the page and pulls the book onto his lap.) Tips for future Whitelighters? (Drake sits and puts the book in his lap.) "To my sons Wyatt and Chris." Future Whitelighters, eh? (He reads the page.) [Cut to living room. Cole sits on a chair.] Cole: Stubbornness is definitely a family trait. (He picks up a photo of Phoebe.) You've tried going upstairs twice, out the front door four times, and through the wall five... (Piper gets thrown out of the wall and across the room.) Make that six times. But hey, you haven't tried the chimney yet. (Piper gets up.) Piper: I thought ghosts could go any damn place they pleased. Cole: You're still attached to your body. You're not a ghost. But you will be if you don't start trusting me. There is only one way out of here. Piper: The last Halliwell that trusted you ended up burying your demonic spawn. Cole: Not one of my finer moments, but Phoebe'll make a great mom. Can you blame me for wanting to be the dad? Piper: You're wasting your time. Cole: Now is that any way to treat family? Piper: And you're really starting to get on my nerves. Cole: Why? (He stands up.) Because I know you so well? Remember, I go all the way back to Prue. I was actually at your wedding. The fact is, Leo and I are a lot alike. We both tried to change the world to save our marriages. Piper: You are nothing alike and just because we have history doesn't mean you know anything about me or love. Cole: Like it or not, Phoebe and I were very much in love. Piper: Yeah, that is until she suddenly fell out of love with you rather quickly, remember? Cole: I'll never forget. That's why we're doomed. But you and Leo aren't. What you have is powerful, enduring. Piper: Yeah, a lot of good it's done us. He's wandering around aimlessly with no idea who he is, and I'm in a coma. Cole: Look, you have someone out there who needs you as much as you need him. Now, if you don't have faith in that love, it's not the only thing that'll die. [Scene: Nadie's diner. Phoebe and Paige are there.] Phoebe: Okay, if Leo's not here, we've got nothing. Paige: Maybe we should have come here first instead of traipsing all over the map. Phoebe: Well, he can't be far. The sheriff said that he just saw him here not too long ago. (Nadine comes our.) Hi. Uh, maybe you could help us. Look, uh, we're looking for somebody, this guy right here. (Phoebe shows the photo of Leo and Piper at their wedding.) Have you seen him? Nadine: Ah, yeah. Didn't think a fellow like that would stay lost for long. Yeah, he left about an hour ago, hitched a ride on a big rig. Paige: A big rig? Phoebe: Any idea where they were headed? Nadine: West, I think. Had some kind of California sign on the side. Paige: Okay, I'm gonna call Darryl, have him get in touch with the highway patrol. Phoebe: Okay, uh, look, we really need to find him and we're running out of time. We need a car. [Scene: Road. Phoebe drives a blue truck. Paige is with her.] Phoebe: What was that intersection? Paige: I don't know. Just keep going west. [Cut to the big rig.] Male Elder: It's a bumpy ride. I'm sorry about that. Newer rigs have better shocks. But, uh, hey, maybe it'll jog your memory. Leo: It does feel like it's starting to come back some. I know somebody needs me. Male Elder: I'm not surprised. I heard how you saved that man's life back there. Leo: Anybody else would have done the same thing. (Male Elder chuckles.) Male Elder: There. You are wrong there. Not everybody's got the calling. Say, maybe this means there are a whole bunch of somebody's out there that need you. Maybe it's your love of helping others that you're really looking for. You obviously have the healing touch. Leo: I don't know about that. Although it did seem familiar, like I had a purpose. Male Elder: Perhaps you were working for the greater good - you know, helping people when you lost your memory. Maybe deep down, you sensed that the people that you were helping still need you. Leo: I guess I have to hang in there till my memory comes back, huh? Male Elder: Yep. Listen to that inner voice. Leo: You know, you sound more like a man of the cloth than a truck driver. Male Elder: In a way, maybe I am. You learn a lot about life on the road. I mean, sure, it's lonely sometimes. But I take heart in knowing that whatever sacrifices I make personally, I'm still bringing people what they need, and to me, that's what it's all about. Say, I'm gonna be heading north here soon. You're welcome to join us if you want. Leo: Us? Male Elder: O-Others who, uh, who think like I do. You know, who want to help. Of course, if you think that you're meant to be somewhere else, I mean, that's okay, too. Because, I mean, look, it's up to you. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Cole and Piper are there.] Cole: I'm not quite sure what's so hard to grasp. Love transcends every plane of existence. All you need to do is believe in it with every fiber of your being and just send it out to Leo. Piper: What does that mean? I don't understand. Cole: I could never get through to you. I could always sense when there was something wrong with Phoebe. Piper: Well, clearly Leo is not sensing that something is horribly wrong with me. Cole: That's because he doesn't know who you are, which means it's gonna take a bigger jolt from you to jog his memory. Piper: You know, it's odd how invested you are in all of this, considering I'm the one who helped vanquish you. Cole: Well, you know, bygones and all, but you're changing the subject. Piper: Yes, I am. (She stands up.) And this is not gonna go any further until you tell me what you're getting out of this. Cole: Me? (Piper nods.) I don't know what you're talking about. Piper: Come on, Cole. I know you just as well as you think you know me. So if you want me to trust you, then you need to come clean first. Cole: I don't want Phoebe to give up on love. Piper: What? Cole: She hasn't been able to find love since me or at least hold onto it. And I know that's my fault. Piper: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you decided to become the source of all things evil. Cole: Look, I already feel guilty enough, all right? Piper: Then why aren't you talking to Phoebe about this instead of me? Cole: Because you're my only hope. I'm cursed to live in eternity without love for what I've done, and I accept that. But I don't want Phoebe to be cursed, too. She needs love. She-she deserves it. But she's not going to keep looking for it unless you give her a reason to. Now, you and Leo are that reason. Piper: Okay. All right. So how do I do this love beacon thing? Cole: All you need to do is let go so that you can move onto the next cosmic plane. Piper: Oh, I see. You mean the one where I'm dead. Cole: I know it sounds crazy, but it's the only way to get through to Leo. Piper: No. I can't. I have a family. I have boys that need me. Besides, that doesn't even make any sense. Cole: Yes, it does. Think about how a person halfway across the world knows the instant their loved one is hit by a car. It's because they're struck with a sudden burst of love, a-a psychic shock, the kind of shock that can only come from the total loss of a loved one. You need to let go. You need to die. Piper: And what happens when that doesn't work? What happens when he doesn't feel this psychic jolt? Then I'm just plain dead. I can't take that chance. Besides, my sisters will figure out a way to save me. They always do. Cole: But then you risk losing Leo and your boys for good. Can you take that chance? [Scene: Big Rig. It stops where highway 40 meets highway 87.] Male Elder: Well, this is where I head north. What's it gonna be? Leo: You know, I've been thinking a lot about that work you're doing. Male Elder: I can assure you, there is nothing more rewarding. (Leo nods.) Leo: It would be nice to have a sense of purpose. (Male Elder sees a car stop behind him.) Male Elder: You need to make a choice. Every man does. Leo: I know. [Cut to Paige and Phoebe. They unbuckle their seatbelts.] Phoebe: This has to be it. I hope we're not too late. (They get out of the car.) [Cut to Male Elder and Leo.] Male Elder: Your destiny lies ahead of you. (He sees Phoebe coming towards them.) Which way is it gonna be? Leo: Let's go. (Male Elder slaps Leo's leg.) Male Elder: You've made the right decision. (Phoebe and Paige open the door.) Paige: Oh, Leo. Thank god. Leo: Sorry. Do I know you? Phoebe: (To Male Elder) What are you doing here, and what did you do to Leo? Male Elder: We let destiny run its course, and so should you. (He grabs Leo and orbs out.) [Scene: Manor. Parlor. Paige, Phoebe, and Drake orb in.] Paige: Piper? Drake: I got to you as soon as I could. Phoebe: The damn Elders. None of this would be happening if they didn't take Leo. Paige: Okay, you know what? You're right. We have to get the Elders down here. They're the only ones who can help now. Drake: That won't do any good. Even if they heal her body, only Leo can heal her soul. Paige: Well, unfortunately, Leo chose the Elders over Piper. It's not like we can get him here and force him to remember his wife. Cole: But you can. And you'd better do it fast. Trust me. It's your only hope. And hers. Your destiny is with Leo. You need to learn to trust that. (Piper turns into white orbs and moves back into her body.) Phoebe: This can't be a dead end. Paige: You know what? Let me double-check the book. Drake: I was very thorough. There's nothing there. (Piper gasps.) Phoebe: What? What was that? Piper: Leo. Phoebe: Wait. I know what to do. Orb me to the bridge. Paige: No, she just woke up. We can't just leave her. Drake: I'll stay with her. You go work on her spirit. Phoebe: Bridge, now! (Phoebe and Paige orb out. Drake runs upstairs.) Cole: You can do it, Piper. [Scene: Golden Gate Bridge. Paige and Phoebe orb in.] Phoebe: Look, we know you have Leo! Bring him down here now. (Male Elder and Leo orb in.) Leo, Piper's dying. You have to come with us. Leo: I'm sorry. Who? Male Elder: He doesn't know who she is or who you are. Paige: You did this to him. Male Elder: Leo has chosen his own path. Phoebe: By you leading him there? How is this a fair test? Male Elder: Some things are so important that they cannot be left to chance. Paige: You need to come home now because Piper needs you. Leo: Well, I'm there for all those in need. Paige: Look, this is not a test. Male Elder: He's made his own decision. It's done. Phoebe: No, it's not done. Leo and Piper are still in love. You can erase his memory, but you can't erase that. It'll seep into his consciousness until he remembers. Male Elder: I know this is a great loss for you and that you're going to need time to mourn. Phoebe: No. We won't. Because he's not gonna leave. You can't take him away from Piper. (Leo looks away.) Look, their love is true. It's true love, and it's bigger than you and-and the Elders and all of this. [Cut to Manor. Piper gasps.] Piper: Leo. [Cut to Golden Gate Bridge. Leo hears Piper.] [Cut to Piper. She gasps for breath.] [Cut to Leo.] [Cut to Piper. She falls unconsciousness and her hand falls.] [Cut to Leo.] Leo: (Whispers) Piper. Phoebe: Leo? (Leo steps to the edge of the bridge.) Leo, what are you doing? Paige: Leo? (Leo spreads his arms out and falls off the edge. His Elder robes vanish. Paige and Phoebe orb to him.) Phoebe: Oh my god. Leo. (Phoebe kneels next to Leo. Male Elder orbs in.) Leo: Phoebe. (Side of Leo's face is bruised.) Paige: What the hell just happened? Male Elder: He has fallen from grace. Phoebe: Leo, are you okay? Leo: Take me to Piper. She needs me. Male Elder: Destiny has spoken. He's made his choice. He's mortal now. You should hurry. [Cut to Manor. Drake is kneeled in front of Piper. Paige, Phoebe, and Leo orb in behind them.] Drake: You're too late. (He stands up to show Wyatt healing Piper.) Wyatt already healed her. Paige: Wyatt? Phoebe: Thank god. (Piper sits up and smiles.) Piper: Good job, baby. (Phoebe sits. Leo kneels in front of Piper.) Paige: Ah, okay. How did you know he could do that? Drake: I didn't. He did. He even put it in the book. (Piper smiles.) Looks like you got a second-generation Whitelighter on your hands. Phoebe: Did you heal your mommy? You're such a big boy. I'm so proud of you. (Phoebe kisses Wyatt's hands.) Piper: I thought you were never gonna find your way home. Leo: It was your faith that brought me back. I could hear you calling me, like you were right there next to me. Piper: I had a good coach, an old friend. I'll explain later. (She looks at Leo's bruises.) That looks like it hurts. Leo: Yeah. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that we're together again. I'm never leaving you again. (Piper picks up Wyatt.) Piper: Come here buddy. Come here. (She sets him on her lap.) Look who it is. Can you give daddy a hug? Hug, hug, hug. (They share a hug.) [Scene: Magic School. Drake is reading a book.] Drake: 'Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore, so do our minutes hasten to their end'. Phoebe: I'm gonna miss Shakespeare. Drake: Mm, that's why I left you this. (He gives her the book.) The complete works to peruse at your leisure. Phoebe: Thank you. I can't believe it's been three weeks already. I mean, so much has happened. Drake: I know. It's been such a whirlwind. The burlesque, huh? Big fan. Sherwood Forest. I mean, come on. Hold the tights. Thank you very much, and a real life Romeo and Juliet. Phoebe: That's just a typical week for us. Drake: What do you expect? Come on. You're Charmed. Phoebe: Mm, you really helped me move on. Thank you. Drake: Are you kidding? Thank you. I couldn't think of a better day to die. Phoebe: Mm. Drake: Sorry. I also helped you find love, didn't I? Phoebe: Mm. Drake: Come on. I did, didn't I? (She shrugs.) Come on. I did. I did. (She smiles.) Phoebe: Yeah. You did. Drake: Whoo, close one. If that doesn't get me in heaven, I don't know what will. Phoebe: I'll never forget what you did for me. I guess I fell for the right guy this time. Drake: 'Parting is such sweet sorrow'. He was right. I never knew what that meant till right now. Phoebe: I just, I have to ask you one question, okay? How is it that you came into my life at the exact right time? Drake: Oh, a little bird told me. Come on. What's magic without a little mystery? Right. Travel checklist. Uh, leave reference books for next instructor, bring a little wisdom to some young minds, save epic love...bask in your loving gaze. Yeah, that about covers it. (He sighs.) Alas, pumpkin time. No need you watching my messy demise. (Drake gets up. Phoebe pulls him back down. They kiss.) (Whispers) Think of me when you dance. (He gets up and leaves. The door closes behind him.) Phoebe: I'll miss you. [Cut to Drake. He walks in, rubbing his neck.] Cole: You did good. (Cole appears.) Drake: Thanks. So did you. I couldn't have tasted life unless you set me up with that sorcerer. I just wish I could save you, too. Cole: I've come to terms with my fate, especially now that I know it won't be Phoebe's, too. Drake: So that was a pretty bold move sending in those thorn demons. Cole: Well, I had to risk everything for this one. Drake: Understandably. (The clock chimes midnight.) Oh well. Here I go. (Drake collapses on the floor. His spirit rises. His body turns into dust. Drake's spirit stands up.) Okay, that was interesting. Ashes to ashes, huh? Cole: If it's any consolation, you did all that I asked for. You saved Phoebe. Drake: I did more than that, buddy. I fell in love with her. Cole: Understandably. Drake: Farewell, my friend. (Drake disappears in orbs. Cole vanishes.) [Scene: Manor. Piper's bedroom. Morning. Leo sits by the window. Piper gets up.] Piper: Leo, are you okay? Leo: I just can't believe it. I don't have powers anymore. I don't hear jingling. I can't orb. (Piper sits up and sighs.) Piper: Is that bad? Leo: Are you kidding? (He smiles.) It's great. It's everything I've wanted ever since the day I met you. (He and Piper stand up.) Piper: Me, too. (They kiss. Chris cries.) Leo: Hey, you wanted a normal life. (Piper smiles.) Piper: Yeah. Uh, you take Wyatt. I'll get Chris. (Piper starts leaving, but Leo pulls her back.) Leo: Um, I was thinking maybe pancakes and eggs. (Piper giggles.) How about you? Piper: Sounds normal. (They kiss and leave.)

Already stressed out awaiting word on Leo's fate, Piper is attacked by demon assassins and ends up in a coma. Stuck in the cosmic void between life and death, Piper's spirit is surprised to find Cole's spirit waiting for her and even more surprised when he tells her that he is there to help keep her and Leo together, which he hopes will restore Phoebe's faith in love. Meanwhile, Leo is stripped of his powers and memory and put in the world somewhere as a test to see if he will remain an Elder or become human. The Elders cheat on the test and lead Leo to becoming an Elder again, but with Cole's help, Piper manages to reach out to Leo and he jumps off the Golden Gate Bridge and "falls from grace," becoming mortal again. Phoebe, Paige and Leo return home to find that Drake has had Wyatt use the healing powers he inherited from his father to heal Piper. Later, in Magic School, Drake says his goodbyes to Phoebe and heads off to die alone. There it is revealed that Drake has been working with Cole the whole time and it was Cole's spirit who set him up with the Sorcerer to become mortal. Cole's spirit is also the one who sent the assassins after Piper, but it was all part of a plot by Cole to get Phoebe to not give up on love. He sent Drake to Phoebe to remind her and like Cole, Drake fell in love with Phoebe which both admit isn't hard to do. Drake dies and moves on, while Cole is content with his afterlife as a spirit that can never move on due to his horrible deeds as he prevented Phoebe from having that fate.

fd_Queer_As_Folk_02x04

fd_Queer_As_Folk_02x04_0

[Liberty Avenue. A big,street-spanning banner proclaims "PittsburghPrideFest!" Emmett, Mike, Brian, Ted, and Justinwalk down the street.] Em: Pride weekend! Can you feel it? Mike: The dancing? Ted: The parade. Brian: The f*cking. Justin: Can't wait. Mike: You sure, you're up for it? Brian: He's up for it. Justin: It's my first pride. Em: Be careful - pride is a sin. Justin: Then I'm going to hell. [Liberty Diner. There are rainbowflags, rainbow balloons, rainbow streamers, rainbowwindsocks, and rainbow candles as far as the eye cansee.] Ted: Who did this? Em: Some demented queen with no taste. Mike: Nice job, Ma. Deb: Glad you like it! Em: Ok, can we hurry up and eat, please? I've gotappointments all day. Brian: You've got appointments? Em: It's pride, honey. Facial at nine. Peticure at ten.Bikini wax in eleven. Oh and then I go for the dress fromGodiva. Mike: She's marchin'? Em: No. She's in a wheelchair. I have to figure out someway of decorating the wheelchair. Justin: Who's Godiva? Deb: Who's Godiva?! Don't they teach you f*cking kidsanything? Godiva Gay History 101. [She points to a collage of drag queen pictures,conveniently located above a corner booth. After everyonesits, Emmett plays the historian.] Em: Let me tell you. Godiva is the world's greatest dragqueen. Ted: Or at least Pittsburgh's. Em: I'd... I just had moved from Mississippi, didn't nosoul, somehow I found my way to Woody's. I standing thereand she comes up to me and says, "You all alone,Sugar?" I stood there with my mouth hanging open. Brian. Well, things haven't changed much. Em: Then she said to me, "Well, not anymore. Nowyou've got Godiva -- just like the chocolate, dark andsweet." She chance everyone and everything,including my first pride. I'm very dismay this is herlast. Mike: People make too much of their pride business. Em: As if you'd even know! Considering you've never beento one. Justin: You've never been? Brian: Poor Mikey's afraid he'll end up as the tokenPride clip on the six o'clock news. Mike: Well, I don't exactly see you out there in bein' ina grand march. Brian: We all have our ways of celebrating. Some peopletake it to the streets... Ted: Other people take it to the sheets. Deb: So, love muffin's - you ready for the high homoholidays. [all boys says yes, absolutely.] Em: And what about you, madam P-Pflag President? Deb: We have the bigest group yet. Em: Congratulations. Deb: Thank you. Brian: Now if only your widdle pride and joy would marchwith you... Mike: Take some pan cookie and shut the f*ck up! Deb: Nothing would make me prouder. But I'm not amanipulative...guilt-slinging kind of mother. Michael cando what he wants. [Deb fights with the tears.] So what doyou want, little asshole? [The table looks at him expectantly. Mike sighs.] Mike: I'll have the march in the parade, hold the tears. Deb: What did you say? Mike: I'll said I'll march, okay? Deb: [scream] HEY YOU HEARD THAT EVERYBODY?! MIKE, MYKIDS, GONNA MARCH WITH ME IN THE PARADE! [The diner bursts into applause.] Ted: [laughs] Oh, happy day (!) [Melanie's office. Lindsay'sdropped by with lunch. Linds offeres her a grape.] Linds: Grape. Mel: My other clients aren't so co-operative. Linds: There better not be. How much time we have got? Mel: Just enough time for this. [Mel slams a boundle of paper on the table.] Linds: We have to sign all this?! Mel: We have durable powers of attorney. Living will.Joint tenancy agreement. Reciprocal guardianship for Gus. Linds: After this I think this marriage license will be abrief. Mel: But this is what you wanted, isn't it? Linds: Damn, right. You and me, this night and delivered. [The door were opened by Mel's assistent.] Guy: Mmmh. Sorry. Mel: Is Gus taking his nap? Guy: Uh, no, but I could sure use one. I have a visitor. Mel: My two o'clock? I told you, I'm not here. Guy: Well, you try tell you that... [On cue, a leathered-up, long-haired woman of a bikermama marches past him, tossing her helmet into his solarplexus.] Leda: Out of the way, chicken legs! Where is that sexybeast? [Leda and Melanie shriek. Melanie jumps into Leda's arms.Lindsay cautiously surveys the scene.] Leda: Didn't I tell you she'd practically sh1t? Guy: You certainly did. Mel: What were you're doing here? Leda: That's what everyone says when you're inPittsburgh! Mel: You haven't changed a bit! Leda: Why tamper with perfection, baby? Mel: This is Lindsay. Leda: I though you might be. Linds: And this must be Leda. [Leda kisses Mel. They laughs.] [Brian's office. He and Cynthiaare meeting with a Mr. Clayton Poole, a middle-aged guyhawking "Poolside Coolers," multi-coloredbottled fruit drinks.] Mr.Clayton: The performance of our new "PoolsideCoolers" isn't what we hope for. Brian: Unless you hoped for less than 1% of the market. Mr.Clayton: We need to change our image. When women think"poolside," they should think "cool,""hip," "trendy." That's why we'relooking for someone who can add some spunk to ourcompaign. Cynthia: Well, if you're looking for spunk, Mr. Poole,then you've definitely come to the right man. Mr.Clayton: It will also be a $50,000 bonus if we doubleour market share. So, uh, give me a proposal and I'llconsider. Brian: Maybe you should consider this, Mr. Poole. Yourstock took a nose-dive last quarter, and you have ashareholders' meeting in three days. Unless you come upwith something fast, your little family business will bebought out from under you at ten cents on the dollar. Mr.Clayton: You're very blunt, Mr.Kinney. Brian: And... you're out of time. If you want me, hireme. [Afterthe meeting. Cynthia and Brian leaves the conferenceroom.] Cynthia: That was f*cking brilliant. Brian: I'm glad, you're in charme. Cynthia: Too bad you're wasting it on such an asshole.Don't tell me you haven't heart the certain call. Brian: The guy who... Cynthia: ...hates Gays. Brian: Fine. He's always donating his money to worthycauses like "Castrate Homosexuals Now,""Launch Lesbians into Space," "Stop AIDSwith Guns." Well, now he can donate some of hismoney to me. Fifty grand! Cynthia: So, what's the big concept? Brian: f*ck, if I know! [Mel and Linds veranda. Leda andMel are regaling Linds with tales from the bad old days,as they all share a bottle of wine. Lindsay's notdrinking. Melanie's changed into a black tank top andjeans, to match Leda's blank tank top and leather pants.] Leda: There we were on the motorcycles. Mel: Big Sur on the Coasthighway... Leda: ...when this cop pulled us over. Linds: For what? Mel: Speeding. Topless. Linds: Did they give you a ticket? Leda: Well, he tried to give us more than that. Beside hewas afraid someone would see us and drive off the side ofthe cliff. Then he was going to arrest us. Mel: And you start flirting with him. Leda: No, no, my dear, it was you. Mel: Okay, long story short, we're behind a rock, he'sgot his pants down... Leda: ...and this little vixen grabs his boots and wetear the f*ck out of there! [Leda and Mel giggles and chortle into each other'snecks. Linds: Want some more wine? So, how long you in town for? Leda: Until they kick me out. Or until my art exhibitopens, whichever comes first. Mel: Linds is an artist, too, ya know? Linds: Art. Teacher. Leda: And here I was thinking we had nothing in common. Don't get me wrong. Ithink it's groovy two chicks raise a kid. But to go fromzooming down the highway to zero in the slowlane...what's next, are you going to get married? Linds: Actually, we are. Leda: No sh1t? Girl, you really have gone respectable. [Big Q Mart. Mike's directing atruck as it backs up onto the loading dock. Tracy amblesup, with Olive Oyl's haircut.] Tracy: So, big weekend coming up, huh? Mike: Huh? Oh, Pride, yeah. Tracy: You're goin'? Mike: I'm my way going with my mother's P-FLAG group. Tracy: You don't sound really excited about it. Mike: I'll tell you, I'm a little worried that somebodyfrom work might seen me. Pretty stupid, huh? Tracy: Not really, since a group of us are going to bethere. Mike: What?! [Mike's so flummoxed by this news that he takes hisattention off the truck. And the truck smashes into theloading dock, just as Andrew walks out.] Mike: Stop! Holy sh1t! Andrew: It's going to cost you, Novotny! Man#1: It's nothing, just a marrily scratch! Man#2: You've got more important things on your mind. Youtwo got something going on, this weekend? Mike: Not really. Man#1: Why don't you come with us to the Pansy Parade? Mike: It's not my scene. Man#2: Like it's ours? Man#1: We're figures to check out the size. Andrew: You're mean the freaks. Man#1: Got admit - it's the best party in town. Man#2: Don't tell me, you're never been, Mike. Mike: Actually, I never have. [Mel und Linds Garage. Leda andMelanie uncover Mel's long- neglected motorcycle, whichI'm told is a British BSA.] Leda: Oh, that is what I called pure s*x. What the helldoin' to covered it up? Mel: I let the insurance expire a while I goin', justforget all about it. Leda: I got an idea. Mel: Another trip to Big Sur? Leda: Uh-uh. Dykes on bikes. You and me - the parade.Just like old times. Mel: I...uh, I couldn't. Leda: Yeah, you could. You're get a cooky permite, polishup the old bitch, and we're there. Mel: Well,...I mean, I can't. [Linds walks in.] Linds: We're marching with the Marriage Initiative group. Mel: You know for same s*x marriages. Leda: Right, I understand. You gotta do your thing.Still...it would be such a shame to keep such a beauty out of commission and under wraps. [Babylon! Go-go dancers inneon-colored briefs wave large rainbow flags high in thehair.] Ted: Happy Pride, how's goin'? [the guy goes by.] Brian: Okay, which one you want to try first? PapayaSauvignon, Kiwi Chardonnay, or Melon Merlot. Mike: It's so tasty, you wanna try all three. [Brian taking a swallow.] Brian: So wretched, you'll want to puke. Not even afucking piss-queen would want to swallow this sh1t. [Emmett comes up, takes a sip.] Em: Mmmh, fruity, refreshing. Like a gentle brise on asummerday. Brian: Ok, I take it back. Mike: How to get to people drink it? Brian: I'll think of something. [He's looking to one of the go-go dancers.] Ted: Happy Pride. How's goin'? [The twink goes away.] Mike: You want one? Ted: f*ck, I hate this! Mike: Right, try Papaya Sauvignon. Ted: Yeck. Any other night, I'd go home, log ontocumquick.com, and get it over with. But it's Pride, andI'd actually like to experience some of this sexualfreedom we supposedly fought so hard for. Mike: There is some hard for ya. Ted: Yeah, right(!) Mike: He's checking you out. Ted: Why would he me checking...? [Ted turns around and look at himself. Ted pops a coupleof peanuts in his mouth...and starts to choke. Luckily,Mike is a master of the Heimlich maneuver, and Ted spitsthe masticated snack onto the floor.] Em: Well, that's one way to leave a lasting impression. Brian: Word of advice: next time you've got nuts in yourmouth, suck, don't chew. [The cute guy walks up.] Cutie: Happy Pride. How's goin'? Ted: Oh, you know. Enjoying the flow of air through myesophagus. Cutie: So, you wanna go? Ted: Really? Ah, sure. Ok, we gotta go! We're going! Seeya! Em: Wow. Pride is a magical time. [to Mike] You wannadance? Mike: Sure! [Brian holds the bottle up so he can see a go-go danceragainst it, and then through it. He looks at the bottlesome more, thinking Deep Advertising Thoughts. Emmett andMike boogie boogie boogie, until they're interrupted byVic.] Mike: Vic, what are you doin' here? Em: Michael! Even older gay men can celebrate Pride,right? Vic: Right. Em: Just don't overdue. Vic: It's Godiva. Em: When? Vic: A little while ago. Is was visiting a friend over inthe hospital. Em: I was just there. I-I-I took her dress. Vic: Sometimes it happens very quickly. That can be ablessing. [Emmett quickly leaves the dance floor.] [At Ted's condor. He and the cuteguy are having s*x. When they're done, Ted gasps.] Ted: Oh...god...that's amazing. Isn't this amazing? Cutie: Yes, amazing... Ted: You...you're hungry? You want some chips oranything? Cutie: No, thanks. [Cutie just dress on.] Ted: So, you're goin' to the parade, sunday? Cutie: Yeah, I'll be there. Ted: Then we could go together - if you like. Uh, here.This... this is me. I'm Ted. Cutie: Great. See ya. Ted: See ya. [Ted finds the little rainbow flag under his pillow,sticks it straight up, and salutes.] [Brian's loft. Brian takespictures of a blond, muscular stud standing in the middleof the floor. The stud is wearing a pair of well-filledswimming trunks, a diving mask, and an inflatable poolchaise. He poses. Brian takes pictures. He poses. Briantakes some more pictures. Later, Brian edits the pictureson his computer, and prints them on a label called"Pool Boy." The Pool Boy in the loft sauntersup to Brian, licking his lips. Brian opens up his zipper.Pool Boy puts on his diving goggles, 'cause he's goingdown.] [The P-FLAG P-AradeP-Reparations. Everyone's painting signs for the big day.Justin's working on one with both hands.] Vic: Mmmh. Michaelangelo! Justin: It's goin'. Brian's been helping me with myexercises. Mike: Yeah, I bet. Squeeze tighter, pull harder. [Justin gets Mike back for that remark by painting a pinkmustache on him.] Mike: Hey! Vic: Big day tomorrow. Justin: I can't wait. Vic: I remember my first march. Stonewall Riots, in thestone age. You're no more than twenty-five of us in thefirst year. Justin: That's all? Vic: You think coming out is tough now, you should havedone it back then. [Behind them, Debbie and Jennifer unfurl the main banner,as everyone applauds.] Deb: Hey guys! And check this out! [Debbie also unveils a special t-shirt she had made inhonor of her first march with Michael -- it's brightpurple, with "My Gay Son Makes Me So Proud!"written in big white letters, with a happy faceunderneath.] Jen: Isn't this adorable? Justin: Swear to me that you didn't goin'? Mike: Hey mom, you want a doughnut? Deb: You're not! Mike: What? I didn't say anything! Deb: You didn't have to. I know. I'm you're mother. Mike: It's not that I don't want to. Deb: Then why? What you're excuse this time? Mike: I just can't. It's easy for you to wave banners andmarch around. You've got nothing to lose. Hell, you'renot even gay! Deb: Well, I'm the next best thing. And I'm damn proud ofit. [She stalks over to Justin and sticks a finger in hisface.] Deb: You'd better be marching! Justin: Yeah... Deb: Heh, let's continue with you're posters. It's a niceone. Jen: It is. [Brian's loft. Brian sits on theedge of the couch as Lindsay paces.] Brian: Smart? Linds: Yes. Brian: Sexy? Linds: Yes(!) Brian: Pierced pussy? Linds: How the hell would I know! Brian: In other words, the legendary Leda lives up to herlegend. Linds: Better. Compared to her, I'm a bland, flabbyhausfrau. Brian: You popped out a kid. It's not your fault thatyou're not as tight as you once were. Linds: f*ck you! [She pushes him over on the couch.] Brian: Don't worry, some women are attracted to stretchmarks. [Lindsay straddles him and starts to tickle. Brian givesas good as he gets. They're both laughing hysterically onthe couch when Pool Boy walks by. Lindsay jumps up. Brianhands Pool Boy some money. Pool Boy thanks him andbails.] Brian: Oh, don't forget these! Linds: Paying for it, now? I suppose older gentlemen haveto do that! Brian: I know this might be harder to swallow than histen-inch dick, but 'Poolside' has just become 'Pool Boy.' Linds: Oh, I hate that sh1t! Brian: Everybody does. But once the fags see this label,they'll want to lap him up. Linds: Cool beverenges. Do you know who that guy is? Brian: Yeah. So? Linds: So? He hates us. Brian: What he does with his money is his business. Linds: Except when it hurts us. Then it's our business! Brian: That is my business! [he points to the bottle.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Godiva's old room. Justin is helping Emmett pack up.] Em: She was so excited about the pride. She said,"Honey, if I have to wheel myself out on a board like Porgy and Bess, I'm going." She wanted her hair to be the biggest. Her gown to be the glitteriest. So everyone would know that nothing -- not even AIDS --could keep her down. It wouldn't be the same without her. Justin: Unless... Em: Unless? Justin: Unless you're..? Em: Honey, I couldn't fill her bra, much less her shoes.Would you... mind if I stay with her, little while? [Justin leaves the room and walks down the hospicestairs. He rounds the corner and see Chris Hobbes,sweeping the floor. Justin flashes back to the bathitting his head like a fresh melon.] Justin: What are you're doin' here? Chris: Having a blast. Time of my life. My five hundredhours of community service, what the f*ck do you think?What about you? Got AIDS? Justin: No! Chris: You will - sooner or later. All you fags end uphere. [Linds and Mel's Garage.Melanie's finished polishing her motorcycle. She jumps onand starts 'er engine, inadvertently blowing a plume ofexhaust behind her, and into Lindsay's face.] Mel: Ok, let's get this bitch a try. Oh, it works. Hopeon. Linds: What? Mel: Grab a helm and come with me. Linds: Some other time. Mel: How about tomorrow? Linds: I though we're marching with the MarriageInitiative folks Mel: It's a parade. Do we always have to be so fuckingcorrect? Can't we have a little fun for a change? Linds: With Leda? Mel: I've got to admit it. Leda is fun. Linds: Well, she's also you're ex, not you're partner.You should think about us. Mel: When don't I? Does it always have to Mel and Linds? Linds: We are Mel and Linds. I happen to like that. And Ithought you did, too! Mel: Oh for Christ sakes, you're not tryin' to get me... Linds: ...guilty? Go on. Go ride your bitch with thegirls! [Mel eagerly puts on her helmet. Lindsay apprehensivelywatches her ride away.] [Woody's. Brian, Mike, and Tedstand in front of a display for "Pool Boy." Thetagline over the guy's head reads, "Suck on MeTonight." Men are coming up and grabbing bottles,though.] Brian: Look like my marketeen sample was a big success. Mike: Yeah, and all you had to do was put a guy in aswimsuit on the label. Ted: I can't believe, have these people any taste? Brian: After where their tongues have been? Never fear,they also have no memory or brand loyalty. In a couple ofmonths, Pool Boy will be forgotten like a bad f*ck. Butby then I'll have paid off my loft. [Ted sees the cutie across the room with a group of hisfriends.] Ted: Speaking of f*cks. There's Troy. Brian: How was he? Ted: Massive. I'm still bow-legged. Brian: Theodore Schmidt, you s*x pig. I didn't know youhad it in you. Ted: No, I had be alright. Mike: You will see him again? Ted: Well, we'll talked about it. Brian: Then go over there. Bring him a "PoolBoy". Ted: I want to date him, not poison him. [Emmett and Vic walk into Woody's.] Em: Look at them. Partying. Don't they know Godiva'sdead? Vic: Why should these pups give a sh1t about some oldqueen who died of AIDS? I'm allowed to say that. I'm anold queen. Who has AIDS. Em: But doesn't it upset you? I mean, it... Vic: ...that it would be me next? I think about that. Ithink about every day. Now come have a cocktail. And foronce I don't mean a handful of pills. [Ted makes his way across the bar to the cutie.] Ted: Hey. Cutie: Hey. Huh? Ted: Ted. Cutie: Ted. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ted. Ted: That was so amazing last night. So, uh, you up forparade tomorrow? Cutie: Huh? Ted: The parade. We're talked about it. I was thinkingmaybe a champaign with brunch... Cutie: Look, buddy? I was just doing my good deed for theyear. Ted: Good deed? Cutie: Yes, it's kind of like a tradition, for Pride? Igo out, find some guy - like you - I give him a break. Igive him me. The f*ck of his life. Something he canremember. Like a souvenir. It's my way of giving back tothe community. Ted: I see. Cutie: Hey, this year you're the lucky recipient. Happypride. [Brian's. Mike escorts a drunkenBrian into the loft as he rants about Pool Boy.] Brian: Could you see him? D'you see the way they grab theshit up? Mike: Sssh, no wake Justin. Brian: The best...the best part is for that old geezerwho still hates fags. Is that a scream or what? Mike: Definily or what? What have you doin' with that oldcreep like that? Brian: For the pure poetic irony. Cool, huh? Or should Isay, 'cooler.' [He stops when Justin creeps out of the shadows.] Justin: I saw him. Chris Hobbes. Brian: Another dream? Justin: He was at the hospice. Brian: What the f*ck is he doin' there? Justin: It's his assign to his community service. Mike: Is this a sick joke? Brian: Did he do anything? Justin: He said he hopes I get AIDS and die. Mike: Piece of sh1t! [Brian gives Justin a big hug.] Brian: Forget it. Get some sleep. You've got big daytomorrow. Justin: I'm not goin'. Brian: And miss you're first pride? Justin: What am I supposed to be proud of? That I gotbashed and didn't die? Mike: [to Brian] If he doesn't want to go, don't makehim. Brian: [to Mike] Stay out of it! Mike: Sure, although you have to admire the pure, poeticirony of seeing someone like you encourage him to go toPride when this is what you're proud of. [Mike picks up a "Pool boy" bottle.] Brian: Yeah, and what are you proud of, that you'repiss-in-your-pants afraid to march with your own goddamnmother? Mike: f*ck you! [Lindsay and Gus in front of thehouse. Lindsay's decked out in suburban glory, wearingdenim shorts and a white t-shirt, with a tan cap pulledover her hair. Gus is wearing rainbow knit pants and arainbow knit cap, and his stroller is festooned withballoons.] Linds: [to Gus] Look at you, my Rainbow Baby. Are youready to go to the parade and see all the people? [Then Leda pulls up on her Hog. She walks up.] Leda: Nice day for a parade, huh? Linds: Uh-huh. Melanie is doin' a practise run. C'mon,sweety. It's time for you're ride. Leda: Look, I'm sorry if things got f*cked up, but Ididn't force her. Linds: Well, you shouldn't stop her. That bike waspractically forgotten until you had to remind her. Leda: Something tells me that it was in her thoughts longbefore I blew into town. Linds: And why would you thinking about some oldmotorcycle? Leda: You tell me. Linds: Perhaps because riding a motorcycle beats the shitout of cleaning up baby puke and nursing earaches. Leda: Of course it does! But that's not why you'retogether -- for a few cheap thrills. Linds: It's been a while since I see the light in hereyes. She's excited to live the glory days with you. Leda: She just needed to feel all that horsepower roaringbetween her legs one more time. Then it's back to thegarage for another six years. You should try it. [Mike and Emmett's. Emmett, Mike,and Ted watch on television as drag queens and otherqueer folk fill the streets of Liberty Avenue. The Boysare passing the time playing Scrabble.] Ted: C-O-C-A-T-W-O. Cockatoo. Mike: Isn't Cockatoo speelde with T-O-O? Ted: Not if you're having more than one. [Emmett can barely look at the screen.] Em: Can we turn this off, please? Ted: Then don't watch. Em: Fine. I won't. Ted: Look at him. Mike: Him? [he points to the screen.] [Emmett turns the tv out himself. He looks over atGodiva's dress, which is hanging on the door.] Mike: Maybe you should go down there for a little while.You know, might you feel better. Em: No, it wouldn't be the same without Godiva. But if...if you guys want to go, go ahead. Ted: Not me. You really should go, Michael. Make you'remother happy. Mike: How can I? Em: God, just be brave! Like Godiva was. Mike: Godiva was a drag queen. Em: And as she used to say, "It takes more courageto wear a dress for an hour than it does to wear a suitfor a lifetime." Mike: Well, I'm guess I'm not as brave as she was. Em: I guess not. There is one way you could go to theparade and no one will know. Mike: Not even think about it. Ted: We can rebuild him. We have the technology. Mike: Get away from me. [Emmett holds Godiva's dress up to Mike, as Ted holds himdown. Mike screams.] [Woody's. Poole walks in the doorand is shocked at all the gayness. He finds Brian infront of the "Pool Boy" sign.] Brian: Mr.Pool? I'm glad you're make it. Mr.Pool: What is this place? Brian: From the crowd I suspect a homosexual drinkingestablishment. Mr.Pool: A gay bar? Why you tell me to meet you here? Brian: I want to introduce you to the hottest new drinkon the market: "Pool Boy". I changed the nameand I gave it a new look. Quite attractive. Right yousaid myself and... I can't sell fast enough. Mr.Pool: This is you're idea? Brian: Yeah, it's gonna safe you're ass. Mr.Pool: I don't want my ass saved by these people! Brian: I think you do. In fact, you should have beenmarketing to them in the first place... Mr.Pool: Fags? Brian: Their money's as green as the next. Mr.Pool: Well, they can keep their money. Brian: Tell that to your shareholders on Monday -- thatyou turned your back on a consumer market with an annualdisposable income of hundreds of billions of dollars. Ican delivered to them. First I think you should showyou're support by making a nice big contribution to say -the Gay Mariage Initiative? [He opens up a bottle of Papaya Sauvignon and hands it toPoole. Poole looks around surreptitiously, then swigs itdown.] [The PrideFest Parade! Dragqueens! Hot Guys! Rainbow flags, banners, posters, ofevery shape and size! Justin and Brian watch from thesidelines. Justin looking nervous in public places.] Justin: I told you, I didn't want to come here! Brian: Well, you're here. And you're queer. So...enjoy. Justin: It's just a big freak show! Brian: Oh, did you think you were going to find pride atthe parade? Justin: So what the f*ck are we doin' here? Brian: I'm just making sure Chris Hobbes doesn't win. Nowyou should go march with you're mommy. [After Justin takes off, Brian sees Ted walking by.] Brian: Theodore Schmidt! Man, what are you doin' here?And all alone. Where is you're hot new boyfriend? Ted: Uh, he... couldn't make it. Brian: Ohh, I thought he didn't want to be seen with thisyear's gay pride pity f*ck. Ted: You b*st*rd! How did you know? Brian: I know Troy. Ted: Thanks for warning me! Brian: Act like a pussy, get treated like a pussy. Ted: I'm not a pussy! [Brian mocks Ted by waving an invisible flag andmuttering.] Brian: Happy pride, how's going? Alright I do my paradefor pride. My way to givin' back to the community. Nexttime, try this:"I'm going to rip your fuckingclothes off, and make you sit on my nine-inch dick." Ted: But I haven't a nine-inch dick. Brian: If you're good, he won't care. Try it. I dare you. [Ted wanders off, muttering the line over and over. Brianspots some random dude.] Brian: Hello, sweetheart. [Lindsay walks up, holding Gus.] Linds: Hear that, Gus? Daddy called you"sweetheart". Mind taking him for me? [She hands the baby to Brian. Brian look at her.] Brian: Whoa, Mama. Linds: Well, Mama needs a few hours off. To be with herMama. There she is. [She spots the Dykes on Bikes group tooling down theroad. She walks up to Melanie. Melanie sees her partner ] Mel: Whoa, baby! Linds: Mind if we're ride together? Mel: Honey, I love it when we ride together. [Lindsay grabs the extra helmet conveniently located onthe back of Mel's bike, and hops on. Leda's grinning tobeat the band.] Mel: Where's Gus? Brian: You owe me for this! Leda: Ok, rev 'em up! [The guy who's checking Brian out comes by.] Ted: It's his kid. Cut, isn't he? [The parade. P-FLAG group.Debbie's wearing a shoulder-length pink wig that makesher look like one of Rainbow Brite's little friends.Behind her, Justin and Jennifer march together.] Jen: I had no idea that it is so many. Justin: Queers? Jen: People! I'm proud of you, Justin. Justin: I'm proud of you, too, mom. [A drag queen -- dressed in Godiva's dress, a gold stole,and a blonde wig -- walks up in step with Debbie.] Deb: Honey, just you know - this is P-FLAG. But you'rewelcome to walk with... [She's looking closer and recognize that look.] Deb: [screams] MICHAEL?! IS THAT REALLY YOU?! Mike: Can we just walking, mom? Vic: [points to Mike] Looks like Godiva is here afterall! Em: You bet she is! YOU GO GIRL! Deb: Oh Michael, you look f*cking gorgeous, do you knowthat? [She tries to hug Mike.] Mike: Don't! My make-up! Deb: Sorry. Oh Michael, I love you. [Michael sees the Q-Martyers across the street. The TruckGuys, Tracy, and Andrew try not to laugh when thebeautiful she-male walks up to them.] Mike: Hiya, boys! So which one of you is a real man? [Tracy recognizes him but no-one else.] Man#1: We all are. Andrew: What about you? Mike: You tell me. [He lays a big kiss on Andrew. The Truck Guys and Tracyjust laughs. Andrew's in shock. Mike winks and goesaway.] Mike: See you, lover boy. [Later, at Woody's, Ted repeatsBrian's line to himself like a mantra.] Ted: ...rip your f*cking clothes off, and make you sit onmy nine-inch dick...rip off you're clothes and make yousit on my nine-inch dick... Em: What? Ted: What Brian used to say. Mike: That'll get you into trouble, for sure. Ted: I hope so. [Ted keep repeating it, until another blond cutie stopsat him.] Guy: Excuse me? Ted: Uh...uh...huh... nothing. Guy: Happy Pride. How's goin'? Ted: I was going to ask you the same thing. Can I... CanI get you a drink? Guy: Yeah... [A group of men wearing rainbow leis and tight blackshort shorts salute each other and down multiple shots.Brian rolls his eyes.] Brian: I'll be glad when Pride's over and we can all goback to being ashamed. Justin: You just a little grumpy, because you're lookafter Gus all day and didn't hit on you. Brian: Plenty of people hit on me. Unfortunately, theyall happened to be lesbians who wanted my sperm. Justin: Here's you're chance. It's not too late. [He points out a couple that's all about giving Brian TheLook. Justin kisses Brian on the shoulder and starts tohead out.] Brian: Where you're going? Justin: I'm leaving you to your wicked ways. Go find astud, ask him to dance. [Brian thinks about it, throwing another glance at theDynamic Duo.] [Outside Woody's. People dance inthe streets as ABBA plays on a loudspeaker somewhere.Justin wanders through them until suddenly, he hears Brian's voice behind him call.] Brian: Hey, Stud! Wanna dance? Justin: Shut up! Brian: I promise you won't forget this one. [They slow dance and kiss as the camera turns 'round and 'round them.] Music:# Chiquitita from Abba Chiquitita, you and I know How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they'releaving You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end You will have no time for grieving Chiquitita, you and I cry But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you Let me hear you sing once more like you did before Sing a new song, Chiquitita [On the steps, there's a black drag queen.] Drag queen: Careto dance, sugar? Em: I'd love to. [Ted is dancing with his cutie.] #Try once more like you did before Sing a new song, Chiquitita Try once more like you did before Sing a new song, Chiquitita # [Mike ambles up, and Brian drags him over to dance withhim and Justin. Then the music changes to somethingfaster, and Liberty Avenue boogies down into thecredits.] Brian: C'mon Mike. Dance.

Brian, Michael, Justin, Emmett, Ted, Lindsay, Melanie and Debbie all overcome various obstacles to show their PRIDE in Pittsburgh's annual parade.

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_03x04

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_03x04_0

Prologue: Night in a wood near Sunnydale. The full moon rises slowly above the trees. Cut into the wood. The camera moves among the trees and bushes low to the ground in slow motion. Buffy reads from 'Call of the Wild' in a voiceover. Buffy: 'One night after supper, the lead dog turned up a snowshoe rabbit. The dog lay down low to the race, his body flashing forward, leap by leap.' Cut to the library. Buffy's voice dissolves into that of Willow, who is walking around the area by the cage while reading from the book. Willow: 'He was sounding the deeps of his nature and the parts of his nature that were deeper than he, going back into the wombs of time. The rabbit could not...' Suddenly werewolf Oz leaps up against the cage door and rattles it at her. She startles and steps back. Willow: Okay. Uh, maybe we should try a less stimulating passage. She flips through the pages of the book while Oz growls at her and settles back down in the cage. Xander walks into the library, carrying a thermos and a couple of magazines, looking very tired. Xander: Private Harris reporting for Oz watch. Willow: (looks up from the book) Xander! Oh, good. Xander yawns as he walks up to her and takes the book out of her hands. Xander: Oh! 'Call of the Wild.' Aren't we reading the Cliff Notes to this for English? Willow: Some of us are. (takes back the book) Anyway, it'll help you stay awake. It's good and, and very wolfy. (looks at Oz) Seems to soothe the savage beast. She takes Xander's arm and leads him away from the cage toward the table. As the camera pulls back with them the towels draped across most of the cage come into view. Willow: (quietly) Except for the parts about... (whispers) rabbits. Oz hears that, and he jumps against the cage, banging it loudly. Xander and Willow both jump and look back at him. Xander: (snags the book) Rabbis? (looks it over) Willow: (takes the book back again) It... seems to make him a little overexcited. (puts it on the table) Okay. Now, he's had his 2:00 feeding, and, uh, after sunrise, if he forgets where his clothes are, they're on top of the file cabinet in his cage. (indicates the cage) I put those towels up for privacy. Xander: Uh, no worries. I can handle the Oz Full Monty. (smirks) I mean, not 'handle' handle, like 'hands to flesh' handle. Willow: (nods) Mm, okay. (with lots of nervous gesturing) Well, it's not for you. It's for me, 'cause I'm still getting used to half a Monty. Xander: Oh. Good. (realizes) Half? You and Oz? Which half? Willow: (with a big smile) Wouldn't *you* like to know? Anyway, he's more manageable tonight and on the third night. Tomorrow night, the total full moon, that's when he's a real wolfer. (reaches across the table) But in case there's trouble... there won't be, but if... She holds up the dart rifle. Xander takes it from her with his right hand while still holding his things with his left, and slips his index finger into the trigger guard. Xander: Sleepy time. Gotcha. He holds the stock of the weapon against his shoulder. Willow: Thanks again for doing this. I wouldn't have asked, but I have this test. Xander: No big. You can count on me. (looks at his things) I got my coffee, magazines. Figured I'd read, maybe (points with the gun) run the stairs over there a little bit. (chuckles) I'm good. Willow isn't thrilled with the way he's handling the rifle, and so takes it out of his hand, giving him a nervous smile. She sets it down on the table, gives him a little wave goodbye and starts out. On the way past the cage she gives werewolf Oz a little wave, too. Willow: Bye. Oz raises his head and growls as he watches her go. Xander picks the book up from the table, inspects the cover and looks up at Oz. He decides to make things easy on himself. He climbs onto the table, sets the book down at one end and lies on his stomach, using the book as a pillow. He smiles as he settles himself for a relaxing nap. In the cage Oz lets out a loud growl. Cut to the cemetery. Faith and Buffy are strolling through on patrol. Faith: Nice place. Do you ever catch kids doing the diddy out here? Buffy: No. There's a smooch spot up by the woods. That's usually where kids go. Faith: Yeah? Bet you and Scott have been up there kicking the gearshift. (grins) Buffy: (gives her a look) Hardly. Only been on a few dates. Faith: But you like him. And when you think about him, you get that (inhales) good, down-low tickle, right? Buffy: (smiles) Yeah, I guess, but... (realizes what she may have meant, and gives her the eye) How low? Faith: (grins broadly) You tell me. Buffy: How about not? (looks around dreamily) But he is... (sighs) nice, and he's funny. Faith: And quite a muffin. She gives Buffy a smile. Buffy smiles back. Buffy: Blueberry. That crunchy, munchy stuff on top. But my most favorite thing so far (sighs) is that he doesn't seem to be any kind of Hell Beast. Faith: All men are beasts, Buffy. Buffy: Okay, I was hoping to not get that cynical till I was at least forty. Faith: It's not cynical. I mean, it's realistic. Every guy from... Manimal down to Mr. I-Love-The-English-Patient has beast in him. And I don't care how sensitive they act. They're all still just in it for the chase. Buffy has to tacitly admit that Faith may have a point. Cut to the woods. A boy runs through the bushes in a panic. The camera chases him, and a creature's growling and heavy breath can be heard. The boy looks back to check on his pursuer, and trips over a low branch. He rolls onto his back and tries to push himself away with his feet, but whatever is chasing him is quickly on top of him and drags him away. The boy screams loudly as he disappears from the camera's view. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High School. Willow, Oz and Buffy climb the outside stairs from the quad up to the balcony. Willow: I don't think that's true, that every guy is in it only for the chase. Buffy: I know. It is an awful generalization. Scott: Hey Buffy! She looks along the balcony to see him approaching at a quick pace. Willow gives Oz a smile. Scott: That's what I stopped you for, basically. Hey. Buffy: Okay. (smiles) Hey. Scott's friends Debbie and Pete approach the group. Oz notices them and holds up his hand in greeting. Debbie is holding a bouquet of flowers. Oz: How do, Debbie? Debbie: Hi, Oz. Hey, you're not doing jazz band this year? Oz: Oh, can't take the pressure. It's not the music that's hard, it's the marching. Buffy: We have a marching jazz band? (looks at Scott inquisitively) Oz: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... Scary. Willow: (smiles at everyone) He's just being Oz. Oz: Pretty much full-time. (smiles at Willow) Buffy: (sees Debbie's bouquet) Those are pretty flowers. Debbie: Thanks. Pete brought them for me. (smiles at him) Pete: (smiles) Yeah. Well, I-I'm sure Scott does that kind of stuff for you, too, Buffy. Scott: Oh, well, we're not up to flowers. (to Buffy) Are we? Up to flowers? Did I miss flowers? Buffy: (reassuringly) No. We're pre-posy. Definitely. Scott nods, relieved. Buffy: What time is it? (grabs Scott's watch) Oh, I have to go see Mr. Platt today. Debbie: Platt? The school counselor? Buffy: I get to convince him that I'm Little Miss Stable so I can stay in school. Debbie: Platt creeps me out. I would totally quit going, but I'm flunking senior bio, and my teacher says I have success issues. (giggles) Oz: Senior bio? I kinda aced that final. Willow: (needles Oz) And how did you do that? Oh, right. You showed up. He takes Willow's jibes good-naturedly. Oz: (to Debbie) If you want my notes, they're yours. Debbie: Thanks! That'd be great! The bell rings. Buffy: We'd better go. (to Scott) I'll see you. Scott: Yep. They kiss lightly on the lips. Buffy turns and heads into the building. Oz gives them a wave, and he and Willow follow her. Scott gives his friends a contented look. Cut to Giles' office. He and Xander look up from reading an article in the paper and head out into the main area. Giles: We need to recheck every possible exit avenue. Xander: I'm telling you, it's a waste of time. I was here all night. They notice Willow and Oz coming into the library. Giles: Right. (smiles stiffly) It's good to see you. Um, no need to panic. Oz: Just a thought: poker: not your game. Willow: (worried) What's the deal, Giles? Giles: (starts to pace) Now, uh, bear in mind, uh, most likely, there, there, there is no deal, (stops and looks at Xander) but um, if, if, if there was a deal, then it, um, would concern murder... last night. A male student was, was found i-i-in the woods. Willow: Which student? Giles: Jeff Orkin. Oz: Jeff? He was... He looks over at Xander. Xander looks down at the floor. Oz: I knew him. Giles: I'm afraid he was, he was, um, terribly mauled. Now, uh, much as I hate to think it, i-i-it could be the handiwork of, of... Oz: Me. Willow: (very concerned) Wolf you, not you you. Xander: But it's not. Not wolf you, not you you. The room was secured, the gate was locked, (heads into the cage) and the window unbreakable, and... (looks up at the window) open! He points up at it as he comes back out of the cage. Willow: (upset) Oh, God. Giles and Oz both go over to check the window, too. Xander: Not to freak. I rested my eyes now and then. That's all. Willow gives him a betrayed look. Giles: (looks down from the window) How long... *exactly* did you... rest your eyes for? (glares at him) Oz just stares into space, turning the implications over in his mind. Xander: A little now, uh, a little then. But I never heard Oz leave, and he was here in the morning when I, um... (searches for words) when I... Giles: (angrily) WOKE UP! Xander: You could put it that way if you want to, Mr. Technical. Oz walks over to Willow, looking at her sadly. Willow: Oh, God. She takes his hand to comfort him. He looks at Giles imploringly. Cut to the school psychologist's office. The door opens, and Buffy enters. She closes it behind herself and steps up to the desk. Mr. Platt is sitting in his chair facing away, looking out the window while his ever-present cigarette smolders in his fingers. Mr. Platt: Two o'clock. Miss Summers. He makes no move to turn around to face her. Buffy: (smiles) Buffy Summers, reporting for sanity. Her smiles fades when she realizes he still isn't going to turn around. Instead he just blows out a huge cloud of cigarette smoke. Buffy: Look... I know that I have to do this, and I-I'll cooperate, and I'll look at your ink blots and everything, but... I don't wanna talk about my life or my childhood or... anything, for that matter, actually. And, uh... I don't wanna be friends here. Mr. Platt: (finally turns) We're not gonna be friends. (smiles at her) You have friends already, I hope. (waves his hand at her) Friends are a good thing. (takes another drag from his cigarette) Mm-hm. (crushes it out) They like you, agree with you, tell you what you wanna hear. (reaches into his desk drawer) That's not what you need right now. (pulls out a can of deodorizer) What you need is a trained, not... *too* crazy professional who will always give you his honest opinion. He pops the top off of the aerosol can and gives a couple of sprays around himself. Buffy just gives him an odd look and says nothing. Mr. Platt: Which I offer. He looks back at her for a moment before gesturing to a chair. Mr. Platt: Have a seat. He caps the can and puts it away as she sits in the chair. Buffy: Not too crazy? Those are your credentials? He stands up and starts to walk around his desk. Mr. Platt: Look, Buffy, any person -- grownup, shrink, (sits on his desk) pope -- any person who claims to be *totally* sane is either lying or not very bright. I mean, everyone has problems. Everybody has demons, right? Buffy: (averts her eyes) Gotta say I'm with you on that. (looks down at her hands) Mr. Platt: Excellent. So, the hope I bring you is: demons can be fought. (Buffy looks up at him in surprise) People can change. *You* can change. Now. Your turn. (crosses his arms) Let's start with why you ran away. She looks up for a moment, then begins to fidget and lean back in her seat. Buffy: (smiles weakly) That's a long story. Mr. Platt: Mm. (shrugs) Bore me. Buffy: You know, I'm, I'm really over it. I-I'm moving on, I feel good, I'm, I'm even dating someone new. Mr. Platt: All good things. (gestures widely with his arms) But still, you're (inhales and leans back) you're bringing me in at the end of the movie. Buffy: (awkwardly) I was dating someone. Uh, it-it ended badly. My mom and I were fighting, and I... kinda freaked. Mr. Platt: Well, tell me more about this guy. The Bad Ending Guy. She looks up at him for a long moment before letting out a breath and looking down at her hands again. Buffy: He was my first... I loved him, and then he... Mr. Platt: ...changed. She looks up at him, surprised again. Buffy: Yeah. Mr. Platt: He got mean. Buffy: Yes. Mr. Platt: And you didn't stop loving him. Buffy doesn't know what to add or how to respond. Mr. Platt: Look, lots of people lose themselves in love. It's, it's no shame. They write songs about it. The hitch is, you can't stay lost. Sooner or later, you... you have to get back to yourself. Buffy: (considers) And if you can't? Mr. Platt: If you can't... (inhales) Well, love becomes your master, and you're just its dog. She didn't expect to hear it put quite that way. Cut to the library. Buffy comes in and finds Giles pacing and everyone else sitting on the steps and looking gloomy. She sets her bag on the table. Buffy: I'm afraid to ask. (crosses her arms) Cordelia: Oz ate someone last night. Willow: (glares) He did not! Xander: (annoyed) Oz does not eat people. (Cordelia rolls her eyes) It's more werewolf play. (Buffy looks at Giles inquiringly) You know, I bat you around a little bit, like a cat toy. I have harmless, wolf fun. Is it Oz's fault that, (Oz lowers his head) you know, side effect, people get cut to ribbons, and maybe then he'll take a little nibble and... (Willow gives him a hurt look) I'm not helping, am I? Giles: No. Oz may have got out of his cage last night. Oz: Or maybe there's a, another werewolf roaming the woods. Giles: Perhaps. Perhaps it's something else entirely. Buffy: It's okay. We'll work together, and we'll figure this out. Giles: Yes. Um... (thinks) Buffy. Uh, you, uh, you patrol the woods. Uh, the others, um, check out the morgue. Willow: (hopeful) Right! We can see if it's a werewolf kill or not. (glances at Oz next to her) But what about Oz? Giles: Um... Well, I have some research materials at home I need to look up. Uh... W-w-we could ask Faith to watch over him. Buffy nods and looks at Oz. Oz looks up at Giles. Oz: What, you're having a Slayer watch me? Oh, good, we're not overreacting. He gets up to leave, not willing to listen to any more of this. Willow gives Buffy a concerned look and gets up to go after him. She reaches out and touches him on the shoulder. He stops and turns to face her. She tries to give him a reassuring smile. Oz: Okay. Uh, you know that thing where you bail in the middle of an upsetting conversation? (inhales) I have to do that. (exhales) It's kinda dramatic, I know, but... sometimes, it's a necessary guy thing. Willow: And I want you to... do the guy thing, but... She glances and gestures at the clock on the wall and sighs. Oz looks over at it, too. 5:34pm. Almost sunset. He looks back at her and the others, realizing this isn't the time to do the guy thing, and lets out a heavy sigh. He looks over at the cage, and reluctantly goes to lock himself up. Willow follows him. The door squeaks when he pulls it open and again as he pulls it closed. It locks shut with a clang. Willow: Oz? Oz: (unwilling to look at her) Get away from the cage. Willow: (confused by his tone of voice) What? Oz: (still not looking at her) It's gonna happen soon. Willow still won't go. Oz: Get away from me. He turns his back to her. Willow is hurt and confused by his behavior. Cut to the woods later that night. Buffy patrols through them by herself, looking around and listening carefully. The camera watches her from behind some branches. A figure quickly and silently slips in front of the camera. Buffy thinks she heard something and raises her stake. Again a figure dashes by, and this time Buffy sees it. She runs after it through the bushes. Suddenly she stops in her tracks when she sees it come straight for her. She stares in disbelief as the man rushes her and knocks her down as he runs by. Buffy steadies herself on the ground and looks up as he goes. He stops and looks back at her. It's Angel, and he growls and snarls at her. There is blood around his mouth, but he has on his human face, not his vampire's. She can only stare at him in complete surprise. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ In the woods. Angel continues to growl at Buffy. He charges her as she gets up. She grabs him and throws him to the ground, but also falls under his weight. Angel rolls to a stop and crawls quickly back to her before she can get back up. He lunges at her, and she uses his momentum to flip him over herself and onto his back. She rises to one knee and punches him as he tries to regain his footing. He takes the blow in the head, but just spins around and delivers a solid backhand punch to her face, making her fall onto her back. Angel jumps on her again, but she uses her leverage to send him onto his back once again. He twists his body, reaches over and punches her in the gut. She quickly rolls away and gets to a standing position. She does a full spinning low hook kick, hitting him in the head as he tries to stand. He slumps down on all fours, and as he looks up at her she punches him solidly in the face, making him slump to the ground, badly beaten. After a few breaths he loses consciousness, and his body relaxes. Buffy breathes hard as she looks down at him, still not believing what she sees. Cut to the morgue. A flashlight shines into a room where several bodies are lying on gurneys. Cut to an adjacent room. Willow comes in and shines her flashlight on the closed body drawers along a wall. She finds the one she wants and opens it. She pulls out the drawer and lifts the plastic sheet away from Jeff Orkin's face. She sets her metal Scooby-Doo lunch box on his chest and opens it. Behind her Xander approaches. She pulls out a plastic bag and a pair of tweezers. When Xander reaches her he takes one look at the body and nearly vomits. Xander: Oh, God. He bends over, holding his mouth, trying to hold it back. Willow just hands him the flashlight. Willow: Here. Hold this. He doesn't hold it very steadily, and Willow tries to adjust his arm as she would an unruly desk lamp. She takes Jeff's hand and tries to get a look at his fingers. Suddenly Xander spins around and shines the flashlight into Cordelia's face. Xander: Aah! Cordelia: God! Willow just reaches for Xander's hand again and pulls it around to shine the light where she needs it. It's not working out very well. Xander: (to Cordelia) We're doing crime here. You don't sneak up during crime. He finally gives Willow his attention again and holds the light steady. Cordelia: God, have a... (gets a look at Jeff's mauled body) Okay! (covers her face) Scarred for life! Oh, God! Willow just calmly goes about getting some samples from under Jeff's fingernails. Cordelia: Willow, how can you stand it? Xander: Yeah, Will. I mean, this guy *is* pretty barf-worthy. Can't we be elsewhere? Like, you know, is Oz cleared or what, huh? She's finished with Jeff's hand and puts it back under the plastic. She moves the flashlight in Xander's hand around and inspects the rest of the body. Willow: I'm not sure. I mean, there are a lot of incised wounds, but they could be from anything. Cordelia: Anything with big, sharp teeth and vicious... Xander: (interrupts) Do you wanna go back to the car and wait? Willow starts to pick at Jeff's chest with the tweezers. Cordelia: (stares, taken aback) No. God. I'm just saying... Willow: Almost done. Lemme just get a few stray hairs from the body. They could be from the attacker. Cordelia holds her nose against the stench. Xander: Great. So we got everything we need? Willow: Yep. That's it. She drops the tweezers and faints dead away, falling back into Xander. He quickly gets an arm under her as she goes down, and they all sink to the floor. Cordelia: Oh! Xander: Okay. Uh... little too much excitement for the Wilster here. He steadies Willow's head against his chest so it doesn't flop around. Xander: Doesn't look good for Oz, does it? Cordelia: It really doesn't. (they look up at Jeff) This guy was ripped apart by a big wild animal. Cut to the mansion. Buffy finds Drusilla's trunk and knocks Miss Edith and the other dolls from it. She throws open the lid and dumps the contents out onto the floor. There she finds a heavy chain and shackles. Back in the main room she throws one end over an iron bracket holding up the high marble fireplace mantel and locks the shackles on Angel's wrists. She steps back as he lies unconscious on the floor, with one arm held high by the chain. He wakes up and gets to his knees. Suddenly he lashes out at her, but she jumps back in time and he misses. He leans against his bonds and growls at Buffy, then crouches down and cowers like a trapped animal. She walks around him in a wide arc and stops when she notices the place where he fell from the dimensional portal. There is a silhouette of him on the floor surrounded by scorch marks from the intense light. Angel continues to growl and struggle with the chain. Buffy cringes to see him like this. She kneels down by the silhouette for a closer look. Angel makes another attempt to grab her, and she jerks back, but he's too far away to do any harm. She looks back down at the scorch marks and winces at the sound of Angel struggling behind her. He soon stops and slumps to the floor with one arm raised high by the chain. Cut to the library. Werewolf Oz growls in his cage. Faith is oblivious as she moves around to the sounds of Mark Ferrari on her portable CD player. Buffy comes in behind her and taps her on the shoulder. Instinctively Faith spins around and lands a swinging backhand punch to Buffy's face. Buffy: Oh! She stumbles backward and steadies herself against the portable card catalog. Faith: Oh! Uh, Buffy! Are you okay? What are you doing here? Buffy: (holds her jaw) Uh, bleeding internally, but I'll live. Faith: God, I'm sorry. (shrugs with the CD player) I guess I didn't hear you. Buffy: Figured as much. Ow. Again. (takes a breath and arches her back) Uh... Actually, I-I-I came to give you the rest of the night off. Faith: Get out of jail free, huh? How come? Buffy: (shrugs) Couldn't sleep. (takes off her jacket) Figured I'd, uh, cram for my French test. Faith: That's cool. I was going kinda crazy in here, but I can get in a few stakings before sunrise. She heads for the door, handing Buffy the keys to the cage on the way. Buffy follows her with her gaze. Buffy: Knock yourself out. Not literally, though. Faith: Yeah. Later. The door can be heard closing behind her. Buffy looks at Oz for a moment, then turns her attention to the card catalog. She sets the keys on it, pulls out the first drawer and begins to search through them. Cut to morning. Sunlight pours in through the cage window and down on Oz lying there naked. The camera pans up to Giles arriving with a cup of coffee in his hand. He looks down at Oz to make sure he's not a wolf, unlocks the door and pulls it slightly open. He takes a sip from his cup and heads over to where he sees Buffy in the stacks curled up and asleep in a chair with a book on her lap and a drawer from the card catalog next to her on a stepstool. Other books are lying on the floor around her. He quietly takes the steps to the upper level and reaches down for one of the books. As he does so Buffy stirs from her slumber and looks up at him. Buffy: Hey. Giles: Hmm. Hello. (sips his coffee) Buffy quickly realizes what it must look like, her surrounded by all these books, and tries to play it off. Buffy: Oh. Boy. (stands up) Faith and her nutty books. Giles: (reads some book titles) 'Exploring Demon Dimensions' and 'Mystery of Acathla'. Buffy: Yeah! And she still listens to heavy metal. (walks toward the stairs) Freaky deaky. Giles: Buffy... She realizes that he hasn't bought it and leans against the railing. He gives her his attention and slowly comes over to her as she speaks. Buffy: What if... I told you that... I had a dream about Angel... and, um... it brought up some questions? Giles: I'd say it was to be expected. Must have been some dream. I didn't think you knew what a card index was for. (sips his coffee) Buffy: I dreamt that he came back. She sits down on the steps. Giles comes down to sit with her. Giles: Of course. After Jenny was killed, (sets the cup aside) I had dreams that she was s-still alive, that I saved her. Buffy: This was vivid. Really vivid. Three-dimensional, sensurround, the hills are alive... She stops when she realizes her use of Jenny's metaphor. Giles takes off his glasses and considers for a moment. Giles: Do you believe it was a prophecy? Buffy: No. I-I don't know. I... (inhales deeply) I guess it just... it made me wonder. Giles looks away in thought. Buffy: Is there a chance even? Could it happen? Giles: Well, there's no record of anyone returning from a demon dimension once the... gate was closed. I-I-I can't imagine how it could happen or-or why. Buffy: Let's just pretend for a second that... Angel somehow found his way back to Sunnydale. What would he be like? Giles: I really can't say. From what is known about that dimension, i- it would suggest a world of... brutal torment. And time moves quite differently there, so... Buffy: I remember. So he would've been down there for hundreds of years. Giles: Yes. (looks up at her) Buffy: Of torture. Giles: It would take someone of extraordinary... will and character to survive that and, uh, retain any semblance of self. (swallows hard) Most likely, he'd be, be a monster. Buffy: (hopelessly) A lost cause. Giles: Maybe. Maybe not. In my experience, there are... two types of monster. The first, uh, can be redeemed, or more importantly, wants to be redeemed. Buffy: And the second type? Giles: The second is void of humanity, cannot respond to reason... or love. Willow shows up unexpectedly, bringing a box of donuts with her. Willow: I thought Faith was on duty. Buffy: Oh, hey. Change of plans. (comes down to her) Willow: Glazed or cake? (smiles) It's fun to watch them make them. (gestures) They use this spritzy thing, and they drop the batter into this... Buffy: Couldn't sleep, huh? Willow: (sighs) I've been at Mister Donut since the TV did that snowy thing. Behind her Oz has dressed and comes out of the cage. Willow: How come *you're* the Wakey Girl? I mean, this time, it's not your boyfriend who's the cold-blooded... She notices Buffy look behind her with wide eyes. Oz slips on his outer shirt and comes up next to her. Willow: Jelly doughnut? (offers the box) Oz: (ignores the donuts) Everything all right? Buffy: Yeah. Uh, what happened with the inspection of the body? Willow: (smiles, avoiding the issue) Anyone? They're yummy delicious! Buffy: Willow, come on. Was it werewolf? Willow sets the box down on the table. Her expression shows that she's not overly anxious to say. Buffy: Was it a vampire? Willow: I-it wasn't conclusive. Buffy: How could it not be conclusive? What did it look like? Was he bit? Giles: Let her finish, Buffy. Buffy: (looks back at him) No, it's just... She realizes the sensitivity of the issue with Oz standing right there. Buffy: I'm sorry. She sits down. Giles just calmly waits for Willow to finish her report. Cut to the cafeteria. Buffy has a plate of various flavors of Jell-O, and looks for a place to sit. Scott waves to her. Scott: Buffy. Over here. She comes over to him sitting with Debbie and Pete, and sets down her plate. Buffy: Hey. Scott sees what's on her plate. Scott: Hey. Uh... I can't, I can't back you on that lunch. Nutritional demerits. Buffy: Oh. My stomach doesn't want hard food today. (points at the green Jell-O) But there's fruit in it. Scott: (whispers) Those are marshmallows. Buffy: (looks at it) Oh. Debbie and Pete give her curious looks. Buffy sighs. Buffy: I'm... I'm really out of it today. I didn't sleep well last night. Debbie: Just don't tell Mr. Platt you have insomnia. He'll make you start a dream journal. Pete: Oh, what's that, like, a Barbie thing? Dear Dream Journal, how come Ken hasn't come around since he got that earring? Debbie: (giggles) I never did it. He's a quack. Buffy: I kinda liked him. Debbie: Really? I guess, I guess he's kinda funny and stuff. It's just... sometimes I just don't like the things he says. Buffy: Oh, he definitely... marches to the beat of his own drummer. A- actually, I think he makes his own drums. Scott: Well, my mom says that therapy can be completely helpful. Pete: Yeah, but your mom has the wattage of a Zippo lighter, Scott. Debbie can't resist a giggle. Scott: (to Buffy) I hope you realize I don't actually know these people. I just... I thought you would like me better if I had friends, so I hired them. Buffy gives him a weak smile. He turns to face her completely. Scott: So... I, uh, I wanted to tell you that you look great today. But now I wanna raise that to amazing because you didn't sleep well. Buffy: Uh... (smiles) That's really sweet. Um... And I-I wish I didn't have to, (stands up) but I just remembered that I do, so, uh, I'll see you later. She pats him on the shoulder as she walks around him on the way out, leaving her Jell-O behind. Scott: Uh, yeah. Debbie and Pete follow her briefly with their gazes. Pete: Check out Scotty liking the manic-depressive chick. Scott isn't too pleased with that comment. Cut to the hall. Buffy comes out of the cafeteria and pauses for a moment to reflect on Pete's comment before continuing down the hall. Cut to the mansion. Buffy comes in through the heavy drapes hanging across the side entrance. Angel crouches against the wall, whimpering. Buffy stops at the wall opposite him and looks at him suffering. Slowly she comes toward him. Angel just remains hunched over in his crouch, not looking up or giving any indication that he knows she's there. Buffy: Angel? He doesn't seem to hear her. Buffy: Do you understand me? Still nothing from him. She comes even closer. The tattoo on his back beckons to her. Slowly she reaches out and touches him lightly on the shoulder. He suddenly and very violently lashes out at her and roars. She instantly takes several steps backward away from him. He goes back to his pathetic whimpering. Buffy looks at him, terribly hurt, and rushes from the mansion. Angel growls deeply at her. Above him the mantel bracket begins to loosen. Dust falls from the stone as he pulls against the chain. Cut to the school. Cut to Pete and Debbie walking along a back hall. Pete: Debbie, come on. Just for a minute. He takes both of her hands and tries to nudge her against the wall, but she evades him and pulls away. Debbie: No, I can't. I have to meet a friend. He pulls her back to him by both wrists. Pete: So you'll be late but happy. He kisses her and reaches behind him with one hand to open a door. He backs into the dark supply room pulling her in with him. Debbie giggles, and once inside he pulls her close and they embrace and kiss passionately. Pete breaks off the kiss and backs away toward a shelf. Debbie: No, no. Let's stay here. Pete: Relax, Debbie. What's wrong with you today? He takes her in his arms again and kisses her some more. After a moment he notices an empty jar on the shelf. All that's left in it is the last few drops of a green fluorescent fluid. Pete: What is that? She turns his face to hers and tries to kiss him again. Debbie: (giggles) Nothing. Kiss me. (kisses him) Pete: No. Debbie, you did not drink that, did you? Debbie: (looks at the jar) Drink it? (giggles) You know I didn't. Pete: (looks intensely at her) Debbie, what's going on? Her giddiness fades, and she looks back nervously. Cut to Mr. Platt's office. Buffy opens the door, comes in and closes it behind her. She finds him turned away again, looking out of the window, his signature cigarette smoldering between his fingers. Buffy: Two o'clock. Buffy Summers, right? She fears he'll turn around again and, although he can't see her, she extends her arm in a gesture to stop him. Buffy: Wait. Don't turn around. (realizes her useless gesture) Okay? And don't say anything. (clutches her jacket) Just listen. (begins to pace and breathe nervously) I mean, that's, that's your thing, right? She stops pacing and stands behind a chair, shifting her weight from leg to leg and fidgeting with her jacket against the chair's backrest. Buffy: There's something going on. (her voice shakes) I mean, th-this whole entire story is probably gonna convince you that I'm loony-bin material, but... (shrugs) there's nobody else that I can talk to. (inhales nervously) Not Willow and... not Giles. Nobody. (starts to pace again) If they, if they found out, they'd freak on me or they'd do something, and... (stops and faces him) I need help. I just, I need to talk to someone. (takes a few breaths) I'm so scared. (sheds a tear) It's this guy. (steps up to the desk) H-h-he... She notices his cigarette now. It's burned completely down to the filter, not once having had the ashes tapped off. She realizes that something is very wrong. Buffy: He's come back. The camera pans over from her to Mr. Platt, sitting dead in his chair. His face and chest have been severely mauled. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The supply room. Pete is seething with anger. He goes over to the empty bottle and picks it up. Pete: So the bottle just (faces Debbie) jumped out of the cabinet and spilled on its own. Debbie: (shakes her head) Of course not. I-I was trying to get rid of it. Pete: You were trying to get rid of it? Debbie: To help you. You know how you get. Pete: (exhales) You think this has (clenches his fist) *anything* to do with how I get? Debbie: Well, when you drink it... Pete: When I drink it, nothing, Debbie. Nothing! (Debbie flinches) I don't need this anymore, okay? I am way, *way* past that now. He slams the bottle back onto the shelf. Pete: You see? He takes another bottle down and throws it to the floor, breaking it. Pete: You see?! (breaks another) No more. (breaks a third) You could pour out everything I made, and it wouldn't help. And you wanna know why? He grabs her by the arms. She whimpers in fright. Pete: You wanna know why?! Because all it takes now is you, Debbie. (grits his teeth) You and your STUPID, GRATING VOICE! His neck muscles suddenly become tense, and he yells out in pain. He grunts as his head jerks back and forth, and the skin on his face and neck begins to thicken, and the veins bulge out. He screams as his head whips around violently. Debbie watches in terror. With a final scream his transformation to his alter ego is complete. His face is mottled and grotesquely misshapen. Debbie is too frightened to even breathe. Pete shakes her by the arms. Pete: (angrily) *You're* the reason I started the formulas in the first place: to be the man you wanted! And you pay me back how? (Debbie sobs in fear) By whoring around with other guys and taunting me! Debbie: No! I don't! I don't even look! Pete backhand punches her in the face and shoves her to the floor. She gets to her hands and knees and crawls around to face him. Slowly she stands back up. Pete: Is that something your shrink taught you, Debbie? Huh? Huh? To share? (approaches her) To communicate? To piss me off?! He swings another backhand punch at her, and she falls to the floor again. This time she stays down and cowers. Pete: Well, guess what? Even *he's* not going to listen to your pathetic ramblings anymore. (she looks up at him frightened) I'm all you've got now, Debbie! Do you hear me? (points at her) I AM ALL YOU'VE GOT! She looks up at him, very afraid, and pushes herself up against a crate. Pete suddenly realizes what he's doing, and calms down a bit. He looks down at his gnarled hands, then back at Debbie. Pete: Oh, my God. He has calmed enough now that he changes back to his regular self. He sees her sobbing, and looks at her remorsefully. He quickly gets down and kneels by her. Pete: (whispering) Hey, Debbie. (she turns away) Hey, listen. (quietly) You know you shouldn't make me mad. Huh? You know what happens. He takes her head in his hands and turns her to face him. Pete: Debbie, please. Are you all right? He kisses her forehead. She responds and puts her arms around his head. She strokes his hair as they hold each other tightly. Debbie: It's okay. She keeps petting him gently, her own breathing becoming calmer. Debbie: It's okay. Cut to the library. Giles paces and talks while Buffy, Faith and Willow listen. Giles: This creature is especially brutal. I believe the phrase coined by the coroner when describing Mr. Platt was 'pureed'. But he did confirm that Platt was killed shortly before Buffy found him. Faith: Which means that he was killed during the day. Willow: (elated) Yes! (raises her fist) They all give her looks. Willow: Sorry. I got... (lowers her hand) I've just been... it's horrible, horrible. (swallows) Buffy: It's okay, Will. We're all glad Oz is off the hook. Giles: Indeed. (checks his watch) Shouldn't he be here by now? The sun sets at 5:30. Cut to the quad. Oz looks around one last time and starts to head for the library. Just then Debbie comes running. Debbie: Sorry I'm late. (smiles) Did you bring the notes? Oz: (notices her black eye) Yeah. Um... You okay? (hands her the notes) Debbie: What? Oh, yeah! (laughs) I'm such a klutz! I, um, oh... Oz: Fell down? Hit your... eye? Pete watches them from around a corner. Debbie: Doorknob. (laughs) Um... Thanks. (starts to go) Oz: (stops her with his hand) Hey, um... (concerned) If you wanna talk... Debbie: (shakes her head and smiles) Thanks again for the notes. (leaves) Oz: Yeah... He looks up at the sky again and quickly heads for the library. Pete turns around and stalks off. Cut to the library. Giles: Our task now is to determine what sort of killer we *are* dealing with. Clearly, we're looking for a depraved, sadistic animal. Oz: (comes in) Present. Willow smiles, jumps up and goes over to him, pushing Giles aside in her eagerness to reach him. Oz: Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly doughnut, but my timing is impeccable. Willow: (touches him with both hands, smiling) But you aren't! I-i- it's-it's a kill-in-the-day monster! A hundred percent for sure. Oz: (very relieved) Okay. (smiles) Willow puts her arm around him and faces the group along with him, smiling. Giles: Uh, I wish we had time to celebrate properly. However, we have two victims: Jeff Orkin and, uh, now Platt. Uh, maybe there's something they had in common. Faith: Missing internal organs. Giles: Besides that. Oz: Debbie. (Giles looks at him) Well, victim number one, Jeff. He was in jazz band with us. They used to horse around. Faith: They were screwing? They all give her a look. Oz: I don't think so, but he hid her music comp book once. Buffy: And we know that Debbie knew Platt. I mean, she was seeing him and way vocal about not having love for the guy. Oz: Add this and stir. I just saw Debbie a minute ago sporting a nasty black eye. Willow: Okay, so pretend Debbie wanted Platt dead. Maybe he fought back. Buffy: (shakes her head) No. Platt was dead in an instant. (exhales) He didn't even drop his cigarette. (has a thought) Now, what if boyfriend Pete's the one doling out the punishment? Giles: We should find them both immediately. He and Buffy grab their coats. Oz: Well, Debbie was in the quad a minute ago. Giles: All right. We'll split up. Um, Faith, you and I team. Willow, stick with Buffy. Willow gives Oz a saddened look and follows the others out. Oz: And I'll... go lock myself in the cage. Cut to the girls' locker room. Debbie is trying to hide her black eye with makeup. The door opens behind her, and Buffy and Willow enter. Debbie just keeps on applying makeup. Buffy: It's tricky, covering a fresh shiner like that. You know what works? Debbie: What? (puts away her makeup) Buffy: Don't get hit. She walks up to Debbie at the mirror. Buffy: What's going on, Debbie? I'll bet the farm you know. Debbie: (shakes her head) You're wrong. I don't know anything. Buffy: Normally, I'd say, you wanna play 'I have a secret'? Fine. But people are dying here. Debbie looks at her and Willow. Debbie: It... it's not his fault. I mean, he's not himself when he gets like this. Buffy: You mean Pete. Debbie: (upset) It's me. I make him crazy. He-he just does what he does because he loves me too much. Willow: But weren't Mr. Platt and Jeff murdered by an animal? Buffy: Pete's not like other guys, is he, Debbie? Debbie realizes they know more than they are letting on. Debbie: I-I've gotta go. She grabs her purse and starts to leave. Buffy takes her by the arm and stops her. Buffy: You have to talk to us. (Debbie shakes her head) We can't help you until you do. Debbie: I didn't ask for your help! Willow: Well, when are you going to? I mean, if Pete kills you, it'll pretty much be too late. Buffy: Debbie, we're running out of time. Cut to the mansion. Angel struggles with the chain. He yanks at it with all of his weight. The bracket pulls free of the wall and crashes to the floor. Angel falls roughly onto his hands and knees. He quickly gets up, pulls the chain free of the bracket and runs out of the mansion. Cut to the locker room. Buffy: Where can we find him? Debbie: I-I don't know. Buffy: You're lying. Debbie: What if I am? What are you gonna do about it? Willow: Wrong question. Buffy takes her by the arm again and pushes her up against the sink in front of the mirror. Buffy: Look at yourself. Why are you protecting him? Anybody who really loved you couldn't do this to you. She takes a few steps away. Debbie turns around to face them. Debbie: Would they take him someplace? Buffy: Probably. Debbie: (shakes her head, sobbing) I could never do that to him. (Willow sighs) I'm his everything. Buffy: (disgusted) Great. So what, you two live out your Grimm fairy tale? Two people are dead. Debbie just shakes her head and says nothing. Buffy: Who's gonna be next? Cut to the library. Oz is alone in the cage, pacing, waiting to change. The door opens, and Pete comes in and goes right up to the cage. Pete: (angry) Since when do you touch my girl? (grabs the cage) Oz: Hey, Pete. This is kind of a bad time. Pete: Well, I guess you didn't think about that when you put the moves on Debbie! (rattles the door) Oz glances up at the window to see if the sun has set yet. Oz: We talked, yeah, but it was move-free. Pete rattles the cage hard. Oz: About this cage? When that sun sets... Pete: (whispers threateningly) You won't be alive to see it! He rattles the cage again and steps back from it, seething with anger. Oz: I'm serious. Something's gonna happen that you... probably won't believe. Pete screams as his head whips around and he transforms into his alter ego again. He looks at Oz with murder in his eyes when the change is complete. Oz is amazed, and takes a step backward. Oz: Or you might. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Pete lunges at the cage and grabs the door. He yanks at it a few times, and it suddenly breaks free. He throws it aside and roars at Oz. He runs into the cage, grabs Oz and throws him out the door and to the floor. Cut to the girls' locker room. Debbie is sitting on a changing bench, hugging herself and looking off into space, chanting repeatedly. Debbie: He does love me. He does love me. Buffy: This is useless. (exhales) We have to go. I have to find Pete. Debbie: He does love me. Willow tries to get Debbie to stand up and go with her. Willow: Come on. Debbie: (resists) He does love me. Willow: I think we broke her. Debbie: He does love me. He does love me. Buffy: (stops at the door) I think she was broken before this. (leaves) Cut to the library. Pete heaves Oz up over his head and down onto the table. It smashes under the strain of the impact, and Pete falls on top of Oz because he didn't think to let go of him. He scrambles to his feet, pulls Oz up and punches him hard in the face. He grabs Oz by the shoulders and shakes him hard. Pete: (very angrily) Did you kiss that whore? Huh? Did she like it? He heaves Oz overhead again and onto the stairs. Oz slides down them and turns around at the base. Pete attacks him, but Oz gets his leg up in time to stop him, and push kicks him off. Pete goes sliding across the floor. Oz looks through one of the arched windows at the sky as he gets up and sees that the sun has set. He looks over at Pete, who is just now recovering from his fall. Oz: Time's up. Rules change. Oz morphs into a werewolf and growls, baring his teeth at Pete. He leaps onto Pete, and they start to wrestle on the floor. Oz tries to bite Pete, but can't, so he kicks him away. Pete scrambles to his feet and backhand punches Oz as he attacks again. Oz isn't fazed, and he leaps onto Pete again, and they crash into the stairs. This time Oz has Pete's arm, and he bites hard, making Pete scream out in agony. Cut to the halls, Buffy, Debbie and Willow hear the scream and begin running to the library. Giles and Faith come running also from another hall. Giles: What was that? Cut to the library. They all come barging in. Giles looks at the cage and sees it open. Then he sees the two of them fighting on the stairs. Oz has his jaw clamped hard on Pete's arm, and Pete repeatedly punches him in the gut. Giles: Get the dart gun! Buffy reaches behind the counter and grabs the dart rifle. Buffy: Got it! She cocks it and takes aim past Giles. Debbie shoves Buffy aside to protect her boyfriend. Debbie: Pete, watch out! The gun goes off, and the dart hits Giles in the hip. Giles: Ow! Pete finally manages to flip Oz over onto the floor and get free of his jaws. Buffy can't believe she shot Giles. Buffy: Oh! Sorry! Giles: Oh, right. Bloody priceless. The drug takes effect quickly, and Giles staggers and falls to the floor, pushing a table into Oz as he tries to get away. Oz runs through the door to behind the counter, leaps over it and runs out of the library. Buffy tries to take aim but can't get a clear shot. Buffy tosses the rifle to Faith. Buffy: You get the wolf! Faith: Got it! She runs out of the library with Willow close behind. Debbie turns and runs up the left-hand set of stairs to escape out through the stacks. Buffy runs toward Pete on the right-hand set of stairs. She stops halfway up to deliver a roundhouse kick to his head. He stumbles up the stairs and onto the upper lever floor. Buffy pursues him as he gets to his feet. She punches him with a right followed by a left. He staggers over to the side of a bookcase, grabs it and shoves it over onto her. It lands on top of her with a loud thud, dumping its contents all around her. Pete roars and runs from the library. Cut to the halls. Pete comes running through a set of doors and clutches at his wounded arm. He looks back, expecting pursuers, then looks around frantically for an escape route. He runs around a corner just as Buffy comes running through the doors also. Cut to another part of the halls. Pete comes running around another corner and stops, again looking for a way out. He spots a high window above a bank of lockers down an adjacent hall, leaps on top of them, pushes the window open and crawls through, leaving streaks of blood from his wound on the wall. Buffy reaches the hall intersection and doesn't see him in any direction. Cut to elsewhere in the halls. Werewolf Oz comes bounding around a corner and runs down the hall past the camera. Faith and Willow are right behind him in hot pursuit. Cut to the supply room. Debbie is sitting on the floor leaning against a crate, waiting for Pete to show up. He comes in the door, and she jumps up and runs over to him. Debbie: Pete! You're all right! God, you're all right. She throws her arms around him and hugs him close, but he doesn't hug her back. Debbie: She almost shot you. Did you see? I stopped her. She lets go of her hug and looks at him. Debbie: You have to leave, get out of Sunnydale. She knows. Pete: How did she know, Debbie? Did you run your big mouth? Debbie: (frightened) No! She just knew. It seemed like she just knew. Pete: So you filled in the blanks! He shoves her to the floor. Debbie: (screams) NO! (looks up at him) No! Pete: But what did I expect from a screw-up like you? Debbie: (Shakes her head) I-I didn't... Pete... Pete: You're nothing but a waste of space. He moves to grab her. Debbie: No! Cut to the halls. Buffy looks up and sees the blood streaks around the high window. Cut to the stairs by the lounge. Oz comes leaping down and stops by the vending machine. Faith rushes down after him. He jumps on her, and she drops the gun as she's pulled down to the floor. Behind her Willow screams. Cut outside. Buffy crawls out through the window onto a roof. She steps to the edge, looks down and jumps. She looks around, and behind her through another window notices a lamp swinging from the ceiling. She rushes over to the door and forces it open. Inside it seems quiet. She looks around and soon finds Debbie lying dead on the floor behind a rack. Buffy: Oh, God. She bends down to check her pulse. Pete grunts and grabs her from behind. He throws her against some crates, and she hits the floor, dazed. Pete smiles as he comes for her. Cut to the lounge. Faith struggles to keep Oz at bay and not get bitten. The rifle is under her legs, and she can't see it. Faith: Where's the gun? (screams) WHERE'S THE GUN?! Willow gets behind Oz and yanks his tail. Willow: Get off her! She starts to run down the hall. Oz releases Faith and starts to run after her. Willow: Get the gun! Get the gun! Faith scrambles to her feet with the rifle. Willow: Hurry! Faith takes aim and shoots, hitting Oz in the butt. He yelps and whimpers for a moment, then falls unconscious. Cut to the supply room. Pete grabs Buffy by the arm and backhand punches her. Pete: All the same! (punches again) You're all the same! He backhand punches a third time, and she falls from his grip. As he advances on her, she push kicks him off and away from her into a stack of crates. Behind her the door opens, and she looks back to see Angel standing there in his game face. He roars deeply and attacks Pete. Pete comes to meet him. Angel swings his chains at him and gets him in the face. He swings the chains the other way and gets Pete in the face again. Pete lunges at Angel and bends him backward over a crate with his hands around Angel's throat. Buffy stands up and steps back, watching them fight. Pete pulls Angel up from the crate and throws him to the floor. Then he turns his attention back on Buffy and starts to advance on her. Behind him Angel gets up and comes at him, wrapping the chains around his neck. He lifts Pete over his back and slams him down on the floor. Angel pulls at the chain, choking Pete. Buffy winces when she sees. Angel gives Pete's neck a twist and breaks it. He lets go, and Pete falls dead to the floor. Angel looks down at his kill, and begins to calm down. Pete has changed back to his normal state. Angel breathes heavily as he looks up and over at Buffy. They just stare at each other for a moment while Angel catches his breath. He slowly starts to go to her, and changes to his human face. He stops in front of her. She looks up at him, not knowing what to expect. After a long and intense look he finally speaks. Angel: Buffy? He falls to his knees and holds her tightly. Buffy is surprised by this turn of events and isn't sure what to do. Angel just keeps holding her even tighter and starts to sob into her jacket. Angel: Buffy... She finally seems to accept that he's back and sheds a few tears. Her head and heart are too heavy with thoughts and emotions for her to speak. The camera cuts to a shot of them from a distance, with Pete lying to one side and Debbie in the foreground. Cut to the quad the next day. The group comes walking along the colonnade. Willow and Oz hold hands as do Xander and Cordelia. Willow: It's all over school, what happened with Debbie and Pete. Except for the Pete-was-a-monster part. Oz: Yeah. A freshman told me that Pete had eight iced cafe' mochas and just lost it. Buffy: That's better than the estrogen theory. I heard he took all of his mother's birth control pills. Cordelia: He didn't? (to Xander) Pete was a monster? (Xander nods) Where have I been? Xander: In your special place, Cor, which is why I adore you. Cordelia: So, what's the true story? What happened? Willow: Well, we got ahold of, uh, Pete's lab books and stuff, and Mr. Science was doing a Jekyll/Hyde deal. He was afraid Debbie was gonna leave him, so he mixed this potion to become super mas macho. Buffy: The only thing was, after a while, he didn't need the potion to turn into a bad guy. He did it just fine on his own. Cordelia: So it was like a real killing. He wasn't under the influence of anything? Buffy: Just himself. She sees Scott sitting by himself. Buffy: Uh... (to the group) I'll see you guys later. (walks off) Cordelia: Great. Now I'm gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day. Xander raises his eyebrows at Willow, and follows Cordelia. Willow and Oz stay to see how it goes between Buffy and Scott. Cut to Scott. Buffy walks up and sits down next to him. Buffy: I don't know what to say that's (inhales) not gonna sound stupid or obvious. Scott: I've been friends with them both since before we started school. Buffy: Is there anything I can do? He looks at her for a long moment. Scott: Thanks. I'm gonna be okay. It's just that you never really know what's going on inside somebody. Do you? I mean, you think... if you care about them... But you never really do. Cut to the woods at night. The camera moves among the trees and bushes, low to the ground in slow motion. Buffy narrates again from 'Call of the Wild'. Buffy: 'Night came on, and a full moon rose high over the trees...' Cut to the mansion. Buffy watches as Angel lies asleep on the floor. Buffy: '...lighting the land till it lay bathed in ghostly day. And the strain of the primitive remained alive and active.' Cut to her. The camera closes in on her. Buffy: 'Faithfulness and devotion, things born of fire and roof were his...' Cut to Angel. He moves slightly, and his face contorts in anguish and pain as he dreams. Buffy: '...yet he retained his wildness and wiliness.' Cut to Buffy. She is sitting on the floor leaning against the wall, watching him sleep and contemplating her life. Buffy: 'And from the depths of the forest, a call still sounded.'

After Oz escapes from his cage, everyone suspects that he committed last night's brutal murders. Only Buffy knows that Angel is a suspect as well.

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_06x05

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_06x05_0

Outside Darcy's house, Spinner and Darcy are sitting in his car Darcy: You call that a kiss? Spinner: I can feel your mom's eyes watching us from inside the house. Darcy: Yeah and Claire's probably hiding in the bushes videotaping for evidence. Spinner: No. No, no, no. That would be wrong and you and your sis never do anything wrong. You're like regular saints. Darcy: Claire is a saint. I'm not. I can be bad sometimes too. (She kisses Spinner again.) Darcy: Don't judge a book by its cover. Inside Darcy's house Claire: Why are you so addicted to writing a dumb blog no one reads? Darcy: I'm not addicted and people do read it. There's a whole online community of people who are one hundred zillion times less annoying than you are. Claire: It's good you have friends somewhere, even if they are invisible. (Darcy throws something at her sister and looks at a picture of herself wearing shorts online.) -Outside the school- Chante: The new uniform will be a darker blue than the panther blue we have now. Darcy: That's okay. I hate panther blue. Manny: Us too and they come in ultra fashionable, modern, athletic crop top style. Darcy: Crop tops? Come on we're not flashing our abs to the entire school. Manny: Okay forget about the crop tops. How about at least getting us some new short shorts? Darcy: Those short shorts are a little too short. Way too much leg. Chante: The Lakers squad wear them. Manny: And Darcy they'd be so much easier to move around in. Chante: Which we'll need for the athletic routines that Manny worked out to get us to the regionals. Darcy: Then change the routines. Look we can't even afford to get new uniforms so can we just drop it. Besides I have my own answer to getting us into regionals. Boys! Manny: Not that I have anything against that answer generally, but pardon? Darcy: More lifts. More throws. I thought of it yesterday when I was watching some pro style on TV. Manny: So you just decided without talking to the choreographer? Darcy: That's why I love being captain. (Darcy stands up and walks away.) Manny: Is it possible that I'm actually missing Paige Michalchuk? (Darcy turns around and glares at them.) In the school's foyer Peter: Good morning Emma. Emma: Nothing about you is good and don't talk to me. Ms. Hatzilakos: Off to class Peter Michael. Please focus on your studies instead of girls. Peter: Emma's more than just a girl. Ms. Hatzilakos: I said off to class. In a classroom Toby: (On the announcements) Hi, this is Toby Isaacs with your morning announcements. Uh we want to remind all the... (Toby keeps talking.) JT: Hey Liberty. Guess how many pieces of gum I have in my mouth? Liberty: Okay I'm trying to watch the announcements? Toby: (On the TV) The local TV station CTJH is looking for a PJ to host their kids program. Auditions to be held today at noon. Successful candidates are... JT: Me! Successful candidates are me! I'm gonna get my old job back. Yeah! (He starts doing a dorky little dance.) JT: The children need me Liberty. Liberty: Immature JT. Really immature. Toby: (On the TV) And now an announcement from Darcy Edwards, captain of your Spirit Squad. Darcy: (On the TV) Did you know George W. Bush used to be a cheerleader? So why not you too? Your squad needs new shoulders to lean on, broad shoulders. That's right guys. It's your turn to show some school spirit. In the media immersion room Chante: Good announcement. Darcy: Thanks. Chante: What do you have against short shorts? Darcy: Don't you think Spirit Squad has an image to maintain? A 'we're not dirty' kind of image? Chante: Shorts aren't dirty. Peter: Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you wearing shorts in your MyRoom page? Darcy: They show like this much more thigh. Chante: So? You have good thighs. Peter: Everyone who goes to your MyRoom page would know. Darcy: Can you stay out of this? Peter: I'm just saying. Your blog is good. Those quizzes you do are fun. Mr. Simpson: It's hard drive maintenance day. Can you stand the excitement? I can't. (The bell rings.) In the hallway JT: And then? Then she gave me that Liberty look. That look that says you're so immature and pathetic that I can't even find the words to describe it. Toby: You mean that look that says my passion for you burns bright JT of the eternal flame of much loveness. JT: Tobes stop it. You're making me ill. Toby: Look it's not just you JT. It's, it's her. You never stop talking about her. You're like obsessed. JT: Tobes, obsessing over Liberty would be like obsessing over lint or oatmeal. (Mia walks over to them.) Mia: Oh my god that's it. You're PJ JT. My kid loves you. JT: You have a kid? Mia: Her name's Isabella. She's your biggest fan and she won't even let me turn off the TV when they're rerunning you. JT: Yeah? Mia: Yeah remind me to get your autograph for her. I think you're her first crush. Toby: That is not oatmeal. JT: That is a homemade meatball sub with extra cheese and spicy sauce. Tell Mr. Prenal that uh, that I caught bird flu. I got an audition to go to. In the gym, a bunch of guys are trying out horribly for the team Chante: So that's your great idea? Turning Spirit Squad into dorkwad central? Darcy: Somehow it looked a bit different in my head. Peter: Sorry I'm late. Manny: This whole boy idea is officially dead. You're all going home. Home. Go! (Peter does a handstand with Derek and Danny.) Darcy: W-w-wait. Peter might actually be okay at this. Manny: Okay is not a Peter word. Try um psycho, serial killer-y, uh satanic in your language. Peter: I'm right here Manny. I do have ears you know. Manny: So it's just a soul you're missing? Danny: Um where's the part where I get to grab Manny's inner thighs? Manny: As if I'm letting you pick me up? I've seen more graceful camels. Danny: Maybe, but I got twice the hump. Derek: Yeah! Darcy: Okay guys lets get these tryouts started. Um I want to start with some lifts because wimps lift weights and cheerleaders lift people. Derek: Amen sister. Testify! Darcy: Yeah amen. Uh Peter you can help me demonstrate. Uh do you mind spotting? Random girl: Sure. Darcy: Stand behind me here. I'll stand here. Grab my waist, I'll hold your wrists. I'm gonna count. Ready? 1, 2, down, up! (Peter puts her up in a wobbly chair.) Darcy: Perfect, right Manny? I feel regionals! In the hallway Peter: Darcy hey. Darcy: I have a boyfriend you know. Peter: Oh it's not like that. I just wanted to thank you for in there. Darcy: Whatever. I just believe that sometimes people deserve forgiveness. You really want to be a cheerleader? Ms. Hatzilakos: Peter Michael two minutes, okay? Peter: Great mom. (She walks away.) Peter: Stuck in this house arrest thing, but if I join a club- Darcy: You get an excuse to stay out longer. I get it. I've been warned about you. Peter: I'm bored, okay? I'm getting A's in everything. I've read the blog of every boring kid in this entire boring school. Darcy: Including my boring blog? Peter: No I actually liked yours. You're not who I thought you were. Darcy: What does that mean? Peter: You're cooler than I thought. You're smart, funny...you look pretty cute in shorts. Darcy: Good night Ms. Hatzilakos. I think Peter's ready to go home now. Ms. Hatzilakos: Thanks Darcy. Good night. Peter: I'm gonna link you up to my blog, alright? I know a lot of people. Ms. Hatzilakos: Come on. Time to go home. At the TV studio during JT's audition JT: And that's it for today. So remember imagine all week long and don't eat the glue. Bye bye. (He finishes his audition and only one person claps lightly for him.) JT: So am I uh, am I fired for cutting my finger with the safety scissors or what? Producer: You covered well. Now can you tell us why you want your old job back? JT: Well it's for the chicks. Producer: Very funny JT, but seriously. JT: Well respect I guess. Yeah I know it sounds whacko, but making arts and crafts and wearing dress up costumes, it helps me gain it. Feel respected-like. (The crew all nods.) Producer: Well then prepare for respect. Outside Darcy's house, Spinner gives her a kiss goodbye Spinner: See you tomorrow babe. Darcy: That's it? Spinner: Okay what did I forget? Um enjoy your dinner. Remember to pray. What? Darcy: You don't want to kiss me more? Spinner: I make out with you too much, I'm a horn dog. I don't make out with you and I'm in trouble. How can I win? Darcy: It's not about winning. It's about respecting each other's needs. Spinner: I do respect you Darce. That's what all this is about. Respect, abstinence, chastity, being good. Darcy: Don't you get tired of being good? Spinner: What are you saying Darcy? What do you want me to do? Just tell me. Darcy: I can't 'cause I don't know. I just I need more something. Forget it, okay? Can we just forget it? Spinner: Fine it's forgotten. (She kisses his cheek before going inside.) Inside Darcy's house Claire: Is your bra still done up? Darcy: It's exactly where it should be. Claire: Your email sound keeps going. (She clicks on a message that's titled 'YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL'.) Mrs. Edwards: Claire come and set the table! Darcy: Mom said she needs help with dinner. Go. Claire: But- Darcy: Go. Go. (The message says 'You are BEAUTIFUL. Can I get more?' so Darcy goes through her photo album and scans a picture of her in a bikini.) In the hallway (Darcy runs up to Spinner and covers his eyes.) Spinner: Hey. What's the story morning glory? Darcy: The story is you're cute. (She kisses him.) Spinner: Hey I have something for you. (He gives her a bracelet.) Darcy: Thank you. Spinner: I made it out of this leather jacket I used to wear when I was a kid, so... Darcy: I'm so lucky I have you. (They kiss and hug.) In the media immersion room (Darcy shows Chante her bracelet before going online and checking out her messages.) Peter: Looks like I made you pretty popular, the online world anyway. I linked your blog up to my website. Sent a lot of my friends your way. Darcy: Who's that Adams guy? Is he a friend of yours? Peter: Yeah we're tight. Darcy: Really? So what's he like? Peter: You mean what does he look like? I know where this is going. Darcy: No you don't and don't be a creep. Peter: Adams is cool. Uh he's an old bud from private school. His dad's super rich, plays soccer, uh girls say he's cute. He's definitely a big fan of yours right now. Mr. Simpson: Alright folks. Pop quiz on motherboards 'cause let's face it, who doesn't love a good motherboard? [SCENE_BREAK] In the gymnasium during Spirit Squad practice Danny: Hands on hips, alright? 1, 2, 3. (Danny tries to lift Derek, but they fall down right away and Manny pretends to shoot herself in the head.) Manny: Okay um try the lift again spaghetti arms and don't tickle him this time. Danny: I want to lift a lady. Manny: Well none of them want to come near you, which I don't think is in your favour for the whole make the team thing. Darcy: Have you seen this? (They watch Peter as he smoothly lifts a girl into chair.) Manny: Holy gamoly. Darcy: He did research. He practiced. Manny: Yeah better than half the girls on the team. You're right. The guy might me twisted up spawn of Satan, but he also might be our ticket to the regionals. Darcy: Yeah he's full of surprises. (Manny turns to Derek and Danny.) Manny: Well, see look at that! Look at that! In the hallway (JT sits next to Mia and pretends not to notice her.) Mia: PJ JT! JT: Oh hi! Mia: Has anyone ever told you that's a lot of letters for one little guy? JT: Little? What did you hear? You know what, forget it. (He looks through the window and sees Liberty.) JT: I uh, I got my job back! Mia: Congrats! (Mia gives him a hug and Liberty stares at them.) JT: Thanks. Uh... um yeah. Uh you should come to the show. Mia: Oh I wouldn't want to get in the way. JT: Oh no it's impossible. Just come to a taping with your daughter. Mia: Are you serious? She'd love that. JT: Yeah come tonight. It's the premiere. It's gonna be like 10 times the excitement. The caterers heat the coffee on lukewarm instead of tepid. It's really... Mia: Isabella would definitely love that. We'll be there for sure. (Liberty is shown watching them while they keep talking.) In the gymnasium after practice Darcy: That was great today Peter. Peter: Yeah guess I was born for Spirit Squad, right Manny? Manny: Just because you help with equipment and you cheer circles around those other losers, doesn't mean I suddenly think you're Mother Theresa. Peter: I'm not Mother Theresa. Darcy is. Darcy: I am nobody's mama thank you. Peter: Adams says you're a hot mama. Manny: Mm, who's Adams? Peter: This guy who got her to post some sexy shots online. Manny: Yeah right. Darcy's idea of a sexy pose is like ahh! (Manny jokingly gets into a prayer position.) Peter: Hey some guys like a hot nun. Darcy: That is not funny. I wear a rosary thong under my habit. (Peter takes out his camera and tries to take pictures of them.) Manny: Ew. Cameras? I don't think so. There is a big policy against you and photos. Peter: Come on. Just for posterity. Manny: Hey I want revenge. Give it to me. (Manny takes the camera and starts taking picture of Peter and Darcy.) Manny: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah just like that. Oh. (Peter grabs a Panthers banner and Darcy starts posing by herself.) Manny: Yes, yes. That's so good. Degrassi Panthers! Yes. Okay. Me, me. (Manny goes over to Darcy and starts posing with her while Peter takes the pictures.) Peter: Alright girls. Cowgirl style. Manny: You wanna see a cowgirl do you? I can bring it. (They start swinging their shirts around.) Manny: Hey you. (Manny smacks Darcy's ass and Darcy gives a jokingly shocked look. Peter tries to take some more pictures and Darcy snatches it from his hand.) Darcy: Okay yeah about that. Peter: What? (She takes the memory card with the pictures on it.) Darcy: You are never gonna get your hands on these. Never! No. (Peter tries to grab it back.) Darcy: Not a chance. Manny: Okay! (Darcy and Manny hug as they all leave the gym.) Peter: At least print some off for me! In the media immersion room at night (Darcy is uploading all the pictures onto her site with writing on them that says they need new uniforms.) Outside the school, Darcy realizes Spinner's been waiting for her Darcy: Oh sugar. Spinner: You know Manny left like an hour ago? (Darcy kisses Spinner passionately.) Spinner: Okay well if you end up in that kind of mood. Darcy: There's more where that came from, but I can't stay out long. I've got a lot of emails waiting for me. At the TV station JT: And that's all for today. So remember be bigger than you are and don't eat orange pie. (The little girl on the set smashes an orange pie all over JT's face.) JT: Brianna! I'm gonna get you. (The segment ends and a worker brings a towel over for JT's face.) JT: Oh thank you. Good job. High 5 on that one. Alright. (JT walks over to Mia and Isabella.) JT: Hey. So how'd I look? Mia: She thinks you're a comic genius. JT: Well somebody has to. Mia: So do you want to get something to eat? JT: Who me? Mia: Yeah you. Maybe um Cheezies, taco chips, orange pop. JT: Uh...well... Mia: Oh. It's okay. Um never mind. It's past Bella's bedtime anyway. Bye. (Mia and Isabella leave before JT can stop them.) JT: No, no. That's not...Wait! Outside the school Manny: I laughed so hard Emma came down to see what I was doing. Darcy: Did she see? Manny: No, but thanks for making the page password protected. Page better stay private. Darcy: Um yeah about that. Manny: Who'd you share the password with? Tell me it's not someone I know. Darcy: No, no, no. It's an online friend. Someone who happens to have a lot of money. Peter: His name's Adams and he loves him some Darcy. He sent me a thank you gift last night. 200 bucks by email. Darcy: 200? I thought we'd get 20 at most. Manny: An online admirer paying for photos, that's not creepy at all. In the hallway Liberty: So how was the big premiere? JT: Uh it was okay. Liberty: JT um I was thinking. The other day... (Mia walks over to them.) Mia: Hi. Sorry to interrupt. Could I uh speak to JT? Liberty: Of course. Speak away. Mia: Look I have a kid and I know it freaks guys out and I just want to let you know, I get it. JT: No you don't get it. I love kids. Mia: Yeah guys always say that. JT: No I mean it. You got to trust me on this one Mia, okay? I do love kids. Mia: So it's just me you don't like? You kind of blew me off. JT: I know. Sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess orange pie impairs your thinking. Um well listen uh how about I take you and Bella out for ice cream? Maybe tonight? Mia: We'd love that. I'd love that. JT: Okay. (Liberty watches them upset before walking away.) In the gym, the guys are attempting a pyramid and failing Manny: Okay you guys can go have a soda or a nice, cold glass of talent. Darcy: New uniforms! Give me an S. Give me an H. Give me an O, R, T. Chante: Manny look at these! Manny: Holy hot-tastic! This is exactly what we wanted. Chante: Paige always promised us new uniforms, but never came through. (Derek jokingly puts on a pair of the shorts.) Derek: Uh these are way too short. Danny: Problem's with his bikini line. I keep telling him to get a Brazilian. Darcy: They're for girls, losers. Chante: These must have cost a fortune. Darcy: Yeah well I've been selling chocolate bars door to door. Amazing support from the community. Manny: So by selling chocolate bars do you mean posting sexy photos on the web for cash? Darcy: Sexy? They were just silly. Manny: Whatever. What happens if Principal H. sees them? Or Simpson or Toby or the janitor? Peter: They won't. Nobody will. Photos are on a secret page. Manny: Oh so comforting. Darcy: Manny you should be happy. You wanted new uniforms and now we've got them. Peter: Think what else we could get. I say we do another photo shoot today. Papa needs a new pair of shoes. Manny: No papa needs a life and I need to go home. This is over guys. Over. Over. Scenes for next week Voiceover: On a new episode of Degrassi- Peter: You got something people want to pay for. Don't you need some cash? Voiceover: Darcy is spiralling out of control. Darcy: Tell me you pervs didn't show the pictures to anyone. (Darcy and Spinner are kissing and he pulls away.) Voiceover: And driving Spinner away. Spinner: You're posing for random guys on the Internet! Darcy: It wasn't random. I mean I know the guy. He's a friend. Spinner: So you were cheating. Darcy: I took the page down. It's all over. Spinner: You're right Darcy. It is all over.

Darcy is tired of her good-girl reputation and strives for something more exciting. When Peter introduces her to an online admirer through her MyRoom page, Darcy begins exchanging racy photos of herself for gifts. Meanwhile, trying to move on from Liberty, J.T. finds himself interested in the new girl, Mia.

fd_Veronica_Mars_03x20

fd_Veronica_Mars_03x20_0

EXT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT. An establishing shot of the street outside the office shows we're right where we left off... LOGAN: [offscreen] Veronica, there's something you should know. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT. Veronica's eyes narrow as she stares as Logan. LOGAN: There's a video of you. Dick got a-hold of it somehow. Veronica's brow furrows. VERONICA: Am I singing karaoke? Logan shakes his head. LOGAN: No, it's you and Piz having s*x. Veronica lets out a forced laugh and wraps her arms around herself. She glances back at Keith's office before addressing Logan again. VERONICA: Unless it's a video from the future, that's not possible. We haven't had s*x. LOGAN: Okay. Well, I mean, you were naked and fooling around. I assumed. And I thought you should know. VERONICA: [getting angry] That you're crazy? She casts another worried glance at Keith's door. VERONICA: Oh, thanks, now I know. LOGAN: Well, I guess you should see this. Logan takes a step towards her, reaching into his back pocket. He holds out a computer disc. Veronica keeps her arms folded as she stares at the marks on his face. VERONICA: Why are you bruised? Logan doesn't answer. VERONICA: [with increasing fury] What did you do? She snatches the disc. LOGAN: I found Piz. We sort of had it out. Veronica gasps and looks up to the heavens in frustration. LOGAN: I knew you wouldn't let him tape you like that. Veronica surges forward, her hands cutting the air. VERONICA: Stop. Just stop. I don't know why you're involved with this or what the hell is on this thing, but it's not gonna be me. Piz would never- Veronica can't cope and pushes him away. VERONICA: You need to go. LOGAN: I was trying to help. She pushes him backwards to the door. VERONICA: Leaving would be helpful. Logan stares at her sadly but doesn't fight her and leaves the office. Veronica breathes deeply to regain her composure just in time as Keith comes out of the office. She walks quickly towards her desk, hiding her face from him. He notices. KEITH: Everything okay? Veronica takes the second she needs to wipe the anger and fear from her face and turns to him. VERONICA: Yeah. It was just Logan. KEITH: I'll meet you at home. I'll make dinner. You can just walk in and feast like a princess, you spoiled brat. Keith leaves. Veronica looks at the disc in her hand. Cut to a moment later. Veronica loads the disc into her laptop, in front of her as she sits at her desk. She punches a few keys and stares at the screen in horror. VERONICA: [on video] Perhaps a cheer? PIZ: [on video] Actually, it does. VERONICA: [on video] I was kidding. PIZ: [on video] Then no. VERONICA: [on video] Did it involve me being- INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HALLWAY - NIGHT. Veronica steps back from the door to Piz and Wallace's dorm room, upset that neither is there. She hears Wallace's voice. WALLACE: [offscreen] Slowly, bro. Veronica looks up the corridor. She is stricken by the sight of Wallace holding up Piz, helping him walk. Piz's face is badly discoloured and he is clasping his midriff. WALLACE: You got to take it slow. PIZ: How does walking make my ribs hurt? He sees Veronica waiting for them, her face full of compassion. PIZ: You should see the other guy. His hands, particularly, I-I tore those things up. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, WALLACE AND PIZ'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT. Cut to a few moments later. Piz is sitting on his bed, still holding his ribs. Veronica joins him on the bed with a bowl of water and a cloth. Wallace is pacing like a caged cat. PIZ: He didn't really give me a reason. He sort of just burst into the deejay booth and started whaling on me. WALLACE: He's got bruised ribs. His eye's all jacked up. PIZ: Not...not really helping. WALLACE: [angry] Look, you didn't lose a fight, Piz. It was a drive-by, man. PIZ: I guess he was pissed about that thing that happened at the beach? Veronica gives a sharp intake of breath. He turns to Veronica. PIZ: I think he still likes you. VERONICA: He...saw a video of us fooling around. PIZ: Yeah, I'm on morphine. What? VERONICA: There's a video, taken right here in this very room, of us, Adam-and-Eve-style, getting familiar. So, um, here's my question. Is this a thing you do that maybe you forgot to mention? Piz is horrified. PIZ: Veronica! VERONICA: Just now is the time to come clean. Piz stares at her tragically. PIZ: You really think I would do that? VERONICA: [tearfully] No. I-I just don't understand how it happened. Wallace frowns. PIZ: So there's an actual video. Well, where did Logan get it? WALLACE: I was about to go have a talk with him anyway. So maybe I can get some answers. Wallace heads for the door. VERONICA: [warningly] Wallace. WALLACE: Oh, we're having a conversation. VERONICA: I'll deal with him. He's not happy about it, but he concedes. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. There's a rapid banging on the door. Dick opens it. Parker, looking distressed but in control, stands outside. PARKER: Is he here? DICK: Who? Logan? You know, I don't know if, um... Parker doesn't have the patience and barges past him. Logan, sitting on his bed in his room, looks up on her arrival. PARKER: Just so you know. The best way to show that you're still in love with your ex-girlfriend is to beat up her new boyfriend. Logan shuts the magazine he is reading and starts to get off the bed. LOGAN: Parker, you're- PARKER: You're an idiot. He freezes his movement, dropping the magazine on the bed. LOGAN: What? PARKER: "Parker, you're an idiot." He stands up. LOGAN: No, that's not what I was gonna say. PARKER: I know. You were going for something nice. The truth is that I am an idiot. Logan walks towards her. LOGAN: You're not. There's just a lot to this that you don't understand. He reaches down for her hand, but she keeps it tightly by her body. PARKER: Like why I kept thinking that I mean something to you when it's always been Veronica? Logan doesn't answer as the truth of her words are undeniable. PARKER: Wow. You should have seen that expression. She takes in a long, shuddering breath. PARKER: It totally sold you out. Logan takes a step back. LOGAN: Are you gonna listen to me at all- PARKER: No! I look at you, and I know you love her. LOGAN: Piz videotaped them having s*x...without her knowing about it. PARKER: Oh, God! Well, that's horrible! Well, you must have been devastated. I mean, Veronica had s*x with someone else? LOGAN: She's your friend, too! Aren't you angry for her? Do you realize what this will do to her? PARKER: [crying] Do you realize that we just broke up? Logan just stares at her. PARKER: Yeah, I didn't think so. Parker turns and walks away. Logan makes no attempt to stop her. Cut to a moment later. Outside the suite, Parker, still upset, walks towards the lift just as it arrives. She isn't that surprised to see Veronica disembark. PARKER: What? She shrugs. PARKER: Did he send up a flare? Veronica stares at in, half-concerned, half-confused. PARKER: [whispering] He's all yours, Veronica. VERONICA: Trust me. Not why I'm here. Parker sighs deeply before stepping towards the empty lift. PARKER: You know, it doesn't even matter anymore. Veronica continues to watch her with concern as she pushes the button and the lift doors close. Cut to a second later as Dick opens the door to another knock. VERONICA: Where is he? Veronica's face is set hard, brooking no prevarication, which Dick recognises immediately. He just points towards Logan's room. Veronica marches in, stopping to point firmly at Dick. VERONICA: You! Don't leave. We're having a little chat after. Veronica strides onwards, leaving Dick looking a little nonplussed. She reaches Logan's room. Standing by the window, Logan turns to face her. VERONICA: He's having trouble breathing because of his ribs. He got five stitches over his eye. LOGAN: Only five? VERONICA: You're a lunatic. LOGAN: You didn't know he was taping you? VERONICA: [furious] Because he didn't! LOGAN: [shouting] Oh, come on, Veronica. Who else would have or could have done that? VERONICA: Here's what I know: it wasn't Piz, and it could not be less of your business. LOGAN: Aren't we trying to be friends? Logan takes a few steps towards her. LOGAN: As your friend, I was angry at what happened to you. Someone's always supposed to pay, right? Isn't that the rule we live by? VERONICA: We tried to be friends, and it didn't work. [quavering] This is the moment, Logan, right now, where it's just done. You're out of my life forever. Veronica's eyes glisten as she turns on her heel and walks out of the room. Logan watches her as she turns back and slams closed the double doors of his room. Opening credits (last few seconds only, no theme song). INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Veronica steps into the lounge are of the suite. Dick has disappeared. VERONICA: Dick? Get out here. Dick appears at the door to his room. DICK: [innocently] What's up, V? VERONICA: If you had to bet? DICK: Look, from a guy's perspective, the video just made your stock go up. You looked great. Enthusiasm - always a plus- VERONICA: It's like you're this giant jackass pi ata begging for someone to beat the candy out of you. Dick's reaction indicates that this is a fair assessment. VERONICA: Where'd you get the video? DICK: Someone emailed it to me. VERONICA: Who? Dick shrugs extravagantly. VERONICA: Get your computer. DICK: I probably deleted- VERONICA: After all these years, do you not instinctively fear me? Maybe you should write yourself a note. Dick is sombre considering this and finally gives up the fight. He marches to the couch and sits next to his laptop, setting it up on the ottoman. Veronica sits next to him. She impatiently taps the keyboard, quickly bringing up the relevant email. VERONICA: Chip Diller. You didn't know it was from Chip? Protesting, Dick points to the screen. DICK: Well, see how many emails I get? Dick has a number of emails on a variety of subjects - "Got something for me?" "Trippy Eye Tests," "surfin," and "Greatest Sports Injuries." The relevant one, sent to Dick and countless others (surferalex, Todd McDade, jesse441, Logan Fields, ganjabuddha, klembomb, fairyTailTrail, Kurt Trusdale, Jisoo Hong, Chester Yarbrough, Steven Aller, rishiMangTok, Beau Bellanfant, Alan Oquendo and twenty-nine others) is entitled "Emission to Mars" and Chip's message reads: "Our own Veronica Mars receiving an Emission!!!!! Forward to everyone in your inbox!" VERONICA: You forwarded it to your whole address book? DICK: It was instinct. I always forward p0rn. Dick looks to redeem himself in her eyes. DICK: When it's good. VERONICA: You are going to be so popular in hell. Veronica taps a few more keys, then jumps up and strides out. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Veronica walks quickly across campus. Weevil races, as much as he can, after her. WEEVIL: Veronica. Veronica! Veronica calls out over her shoulder, not pausing. VERONICA: I'm a little busy. WEEVIL: Yeah, that figures. Veronica comes to a stop with a horrified sigh and turns to face him. VERONICA: Can you shiv me, please? WEEVIL: I didn't see the whole thing, all right. VERONICA: Seriously, just bash me in the head with your boot or something. WEEVIL: I don't know what you plan on doing, but I'm offering my help. Whatever you need, I'm in. VERONICA: There's a good chance I'm going to take you up on that. Veronica hurries away. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY. Music: "It's a Curse" by Wolf Parade. LYRICS: Just the other night Body twisted and unfound You know it's there lying They are too dead but the body don't mind Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh You know a neutral sky And nothing to do at night Little highway lights They shine As Veronica walks into the Food Court, she is followed by titters and knowing stares. She pauses and looks around, seeing just how viral the tape has become as nearly everyone there is smirking, leering or laughing. VERONICA: [quietly, to herself] And I'm back in high school. Goody. She spots Chip at one of the tables with three other boys. She advances. VERONICA: Chip. Chip looks up from his pizza. VERONICA: Moment of your time? CHIP: I'm kind of in the middle of something. VERONICA: It's a cluster of morons. Don't worry. They'll let you back in. Chip chuckles. CHIP: You know what I like about you? You got spirit. The others giggle. VERONICA: I want to talk to you. CHIP: That's what you're doing. VERONICA: Could you put your head up your ass before they stuck the egg in there, or is this new? The others laugh but this sobers Chip up. CHIP: What do you want? VERONICA: Who sent you that video? CHIP: Don't know, don't care. Veronica bends down, leaning in towards Chip from the other side of the table and drops her voice. VERONICA: You don't care now. But holy crap, are you gonna care when I start to get my revenge on. You'll be doing all sorts of caring. Veronica jerks upright, spins on her heel and walks off to the sound of the other boys making "Uh oh" noises. Chip's face shows that he isn't so casual about the threat. INT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Veronica is storming down the corridor, away from the Food Court. Chip runs to get close enough to shout at her. CHIP: Hey, Veronica, wait up. She comes to a halt and turns to face him. CHIP: Domonick Desante. That's the guy who sent me the email. Without a word, Veronica twists around again and strides away. Chip is concerned. He calls out after her. CHIP: So we're cool, right? Veronica doesn't pause. CHIP: Right? Everything's cool? Veronica smiles, but gives him no comfort as she continues on her path. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DOMONICK AND LOUIS'S DORM ROOM - DAY. There's a lot of activity recorded on the whiteboard that hangs on the door to the room shared by Louis and Domonick (who appears to have parents that can't spell), including a quiz question, a cartoon and a message to Louis from Lovebone. The door opens. Domonick appears and looks down at Veronica. He recognises her immediately and smirks obnoxiously. VERONICA: Domonick. DOMONICK: Yeah? VERONICA: Where did you get the video of me? DOMONICK: I don't know what you're talking about. VERONICA: Your pubescent snickering tells me differently. DOMONICK: Someone sent it to me. VERONICA: You should tell me who. Or I can assume that it originated from you. DOMONICK: You can assume whatever position you'd like. VERONICA: I'm thinking choke hold, you gasping for your last breath. DOMONICK: Shh, shh, shh, sweetheart, sweetheart. You are so much hotter with the sound off. VERONICA: You'll really be better off giving me that name. DOMONICK: Yeah. Well, I guess I need to go quiver in fear now, so. See ya. He shuts the door on her. Veronica turns, her look determined. VERONICA: [quietly, to herself] Okay, then. EXT - NEPTUNE STREET - NIGHT. Domonick and a girl exit a restaurant. The girl is unhappy. Domonick is somewhat embarrassed. DOMONICK: Credit-card company made some sort of mistake. I have a ton of available credit on that card, a ton. I'll totally pay you back for dinner. It's kind of funny, right? It's like a cute little story we have. As they turn the corner, the girl stops, letting out a grunt of disgust. Domonick follows her stare. His car is minus all its tires and up on blocks. DOMONICK: Wh- He stares at it in disbelief. Weevil, dressed in dark clothes and looking every inch the hood, appears from behind him, "casually" walking by. WEEVIL: That yours? You must have some bad karma. Domonick sighs heavily. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DOMONICK AND LOUIS'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT. Domonick walks into his dark dorm room and reaches for the light switch. Nothing happens. He sighs in frustration as he rapidly turns the switch on and off. He stops when a light from a lamp in the corner is switched on. Veronica, on whom the light is trained, is sitting in a chair at the end of the room. She starts to sing Daniel Powter's "Bad Day." VERONICA: Because you had a bad day You're taking one down You sing a sad- Domonick closes in on her threateningly. Veronica holds up and activates the taser, the spark bright in the darkened room. Domonick freezes. VERONICA: Anxious to find out how far I'll go? Or are you ready to give me that name? Domonick gives a snort of defeat. DOMONICK: It was this guy, Gory, all right? Gory Sorokin. Veronica's face remains passive. DOMONICK: [anxiously] But seriously, you cannot tell him that I told you. She doesn't respond. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, GORY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT. Veronica knocks on the door to Gory's room. As she waits, she pops a stick of gum into her mouth. Getting no reply, she turns away, discontented. She starts to walk away but turns back at the sound of flip-flopped feet. A guy dressed only in his sandals and a towel is walking towards the door of Gory's room. VERONICA: Are you Gory? GORY: Who wants to know? VERONICA: Well, seeing as I'm the one asking, I'm guessing me. Gory looks down at her dismissively. GORY: You do have nice pom-poms. I'll give you that. He opens the door to and walks into his room, leaving Veronica to absorb the insult with another chew of her gum. Gory looks back at her as he sets down his belongings carried from the shower. GORY: Are you coming in or what? Taking a deep breath, Veronica enters the room, staying by the door. GORY: You're shorter in person. Veronica lets out another deep breath at the guy's arrogance. VERONICA: Are you the one who planted the camera? GORY: Does it really matter? What do you think you could do about it? Veronica leans against the bookcase part of the desk by the door. VERONICA: Ask Dominick Desante. Gory, who has been busying himself with his stuff, freezes. VERONICA: I can make your life hell. Gory looks straight at her for the first time since she's come into the room. Veronica stares back, no longer chewing. GORY: I don't think you can. Gory turns to face her, taking the opportunity to knock the towel off his body. It drops to the floor. Veronica rolls her eyes and looks away. GORY: If you have proof that I'm involved in some way, maybe you should get a lawyer. If you don't, maybe you should just stay and have a drink. VERONICA: Yeah. I'm definitely gonna need a drink. Perhaps twelve. I don't know, how many does it usually take for a girl to find you not gross? As Gory puts on his underwear, Veronica walks out. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, WALLACE AND PIZ'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT. Veronica is lying on her stomach on Piz's bed, propped up on her elbows. She has headphones on which are connected to her laptop. Piz is sitting on the edge of the bed, strumming his guitar. He is still much bruised, far more than Logan. He stops and nudges Veronica with his elbow. PIZ: You know what I noticed today? Veronica slides one side of the headphones away from one ear to give him some attention. Piz points to his cheek. PIZ: Look really close at the welt under my eye. Veronica twists around in concern. VERONICA: What? Is your eye okay? PIZ: Yeah, I was just pointing out that this bright-pink part looks kind of like the Virgin Mary. Veronica chuckles and sinks back down to her laptop, adjusting the headphones again. PIZ: I call this my miracle eye. Piz starts to strum and sing. PIZ: My miracle eye- Veronica, having heard something on the headphones, grabs the neck of the guitar urgently. VERONICA: Shh! Shh! GORY: [audio] The pledges are picking up their instructions at the north quad newspaper stand. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, GORY'S DORM ROOM - CONTINUING. In his room, Gory is at the wardrobe, selecting a shirt as he talks on his cell phone. GORY: Because I picked the spot, and that's where I picked. As he throws the shirt on the back of the chair by the desk, the camera picks up the bug that Veronica planted with the gum under the desktop. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, WALLACE AND PIZ'S DORM ROOM - CONTINUING. Veronica frantically takes notes as she eavesdrops. GORY: [audio] Well you just leave that to me. I've got transportation worked out. PIZ: You know, you're adorable when you surveil. Veronica looks back at Piz with a grin, returning her attention immediately to the conversation. GORY: [audio] Blindfolds? They won't be... Veronica removes the headphones and twists around to Piz. VERONICA: Do any of the fraternities do a late-spring rush? PIZ: I don't think so. Veronica sighs, confused. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Music: "Set Out Running" by Neko Case and her Boyfriends. LYRICS: Want to get it all behind me You know everything reminds me I can't be myself without you Want to crawl down deep inside The springs inside the mattress Where I cry my dirty secrets 'Cause I just can't shake this feeling That I'm nothing in your eyes Camera in hand, Veronica is leaning against a tree in one of the campus outdoor areas set up with tables. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So who are these mystery pledges, and what do they have to do with my public humiliation? She's watching and photographing all the people taking a copy of the Hearst Free Press from a newspaper box. After taking snaps of three different guys, she straightens from her slouch against the tree in surprise. Wallace approaches the newspaper box. She takes two photographs and watches him as he glances around suspiciously, but does not spot her. Her brow furrows. End music: "Set Out Running" by Neko Case and her Boyfriends. Cut to a few moments later as she runs to catch up with Wallace who is walking while searching through the paper. VERONICA: Reading all about it? For an instant, Wallace is nonplussed but he quickly hides it. WALLACE: A guy's got to keep current. What are you up to? VERONICA: Just taking surveillance photos of everyone who takes a paper out of that machine, you know, for kicks. Wallace grows increasingly uncomfortable as Veronica puts her arm around him. VERONICA: You aren't pledging any sort of fraternity, are you? WALLACE: You think I'd join a fraternity without telling you? VERONICA: I got to grasp at the occasional straw, nature of the business. What are you doing on this side of campus? Don't you have lab in, like, five minutes? WALLACE: Are you grilling me? Further discussion is interrupted by the ringing of Veronica's cell. She takes it from her pocket and looks at the caller ID. VERONICA: I got to take this. Veronica moves off to take the call. Wallace watches her, his smile fading. VERONICA: Hello? Veronica laughs in disbelief. VERONICA: You want what? INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HALLWAY - DAY. PROFESSOR: Come back for office hours. We'll talk about this later. Oh, Mr. Fennel. This is very strange, but when I left my house this morning, I found this taped to my front door. [SCENE_BREAK] INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. VERONICA: You look okay to me. Was this wardrobe change more of an olfactory issue? KEITH: You tell me. I dropped my salad. You can't really get vinaigrette out with a wet paper towel. They're doing an article on me for the Neptune Register. The interview's in a couple of days, but they've got a photographer due here any minute. VERONICA: And you thought a photo of you in your boxers would hurt your lead in the polls? KEITH: With clean pants, it's a smooth cruise into victory. VERONICA: And what a beautiful day that will be for Mars, the family; Neptune, the town; Milky Way, the galaxy. Sun will be shining. Birds will be singing. There'll be dancing in the streets. So smile pretty. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. WALLACE: Do you know what the Castle is? VERONICA: I think I've heard something about it. WALLACE: It's Hearst's version of Skull and Bones. They tapped me to join. VERONICA: So, this morning- WALLACE: This morning, I didn't think that the Castle had anything to do with that tape. Now I do. This girl called me a few days ago wanting to hang out, and I brushed her off. Basically, I lied and told her I had to go to a study night at my professor's house. After I saw you today, my professor gave me this. It's a message from the Castle. They knew where I was supposed to be. VERONICA: They bugged you? WALLACE: Yeah, and it just makes sense that it's the same device they used to catch you and Piz. VERONICA: Okay. I'm gonna need names and- WALLACE: I haven't met a single person, not even another pledge. The person who tapped me, he isn't even a member. The whole rush process is done in messages. Well, they got one less guy to torture in hell night. VERONICA: Any chance you'd reconsider that? I'm sorry. That's crazy. That's way too much to ask. WALLACE: It's not. I can do it. How am I supposed to get names? I have a feeling there's no ID tags. VERONICA: Just get their faces. WALLACE: You know I can't draw, right? VERONICA: It's a camera. Snap a few shots of the guys when you can. WALLACE: When I got tapped, I went to the Hearst library and looked up everything I could on the Castle. There wasn't much. But there was this expos . VERONICA: And look who wrote it. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LIBRARY - DAY. VERONICA: Thanks for meeting me. NISH: Who doesn't love a good chat with old friends about secret societies? Our illustrious namesake was a Yale Skull and Bones man. He wanted Hearst to have something similar. So he started the Castle at Stanford, where his son went, and at Hearst, the school he founded. VERONICA: So, what do they do? NISH: That's the billion-dollar question. Being tapped for the Castle, they say, is a ticket to wealth, power, and privilege. They're treated like rock stars. VERONICA: So who gets tapped? NISH: Notable freshman males. Future politicians and lawyers. Engineers, journalists, athletes. Wealthy men making other like-minded men wealthy. VERONICA: And how do the ladies feel about that? NISH: We're not happy. A group tried to sue for admission last year, but they couldn't figure out exactly who to sue. No one knows who the members are. EXT - NEPTUNE CAR PARK - NIGHT. INT - WAREHOUSE - NIGHT. SYNTHESIZED VOICE: First corridor on your left. Keep going. Go into unit 499. Three, strip to your underwear. Throw your clothes outside the door, shut the door, then put on the collar and sit in the chair. Three, what you do now will dictate the course of your future. All you have to do is tell the truth and the world will be at your feet. We have no secrets in the Castle. It keeps us honest. Lie to us and one of your brothers will pay the price. Do you understand? WALLACE: I understand. SYNTHESIZED VOICE: Tell us about Rashard Rucker. What happened the night in Chicago when you ran over the homeless man? EXT - WAREHOUSE - NIGHT. INT - WAREHOUSE - NIGHT. SYNTHESIZED VOICE: So your father committed a crime for you. WALLACE: Yeah. Aah! What? I answered. SYNTHESIZED VOICE: Yes. But someone else lied. Do you get it now? You lie, one of your brothers pays the price. Final question. What item were you carrying in your pocket tonight? WALLACE: Just a pen. SYNTHESIZED VOICE: You want to try answering that again? EXT - WAREHOUSE - NIGHT. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. VERONICA: If you ever need a kidney, I've got one with your name on it, no questions asked. They knew about the camera? WALLACE: Yeah, I said it was a pen. Then I heard this scream. I wouldn't talk anymore. That's when voice on the box told me to get out. VERONICA: I'm so sorry. WALLACE: I think I know who one of the other pledges is. The voice on the box kept calling me "three." Three, my basketball number. But he slipped up one time, and he called me "Twenty-four Hundred." VERONICA: Twenty-four hundred. Meaning? WALLACE: The first couple weeks of school, there was a story in the Free Press about that freshman who made a perfect score on the S.A.T. VERONICA: Twenty-four hundred. WALLACE: Yeah. They ran a picture of him with the story. He looked kind of like Josh Groban. VERONICA: Is that him? WALLACE: That's the guy. VERONICA: I'll find him. I'll follow him, and he will lead me to the Castle. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY. FOOD COURT CASHIER: Thank you. Next. Who's next? PIZ: Friend of yours? VERONICA: Apparently not. LOUT: Oh, enough of the foreplay. Get to the good stuff. Hey, wait. Do I know you? You look so familiar. PIZ: Come on, man. LOUT: What? I just think I've seen her somewhere before. PIZ: Don't be a jerk. LOUT: Ow. You got me. PIZ: I-it's a nice day. Let's go eat outside. Veronica? Come on. LOUT: Looks even more familiar from behind. PIZ: I promise you, karma's going to take care of that guy for you. VERONICA: I know. I'm gonna run him over with my "karma. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. DICK: Dude, I saw that Piznarski guy today. That's one messed-up Polack, my brother. Pound and explode, dude. It's still a thing. LOGAN: I guess he didn't make the video. DICK: Whoops. Your bad. Still, it was a royal beat down. Sometimes a random ass-kicking's a good thing. Keeps everyone else in line. EXT - NEPTUNE STREET - NIGHT. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Oh, Twenty-four Hundred, how quickly you're moving up in the world. Not a bad deal: drive into a parking lot in your crap car, leave in a stretch limo, and be chauffeured to a mansion. So the front window's all curtained. How best to get a view of the back? I need faces. INT - NEPTUNE MANSION - NIGHT. JAKE: Gory? You got that disc with you? GORY: Of course. JAKE: Let me show you my office. Take that off your hands. GORY: That'd be great. I feel like Gollum carrying this thing around. JAKE: I don't know what that means. I like the look of the pledges. You did well, Gorya. GORY: You're not gonna believe some of the confessions we got this year. JAKE: Well, they get worse. Every year. I noticed that we're, uh, down a pledge. GORY: Uh, I washed him. I caught him sneaking in a camera. Check it out. There's the lens. Click it, it takes a picture. JAKE: New age, isn't it? It looks like we're done here. This your only copy? GORY: Of course. JAKE: I wasn't built to live in the subdivision. Let's go back to the induction. Later, day. KEITH: Nothing else was taken? Just the hard drive? JAKE: Which happens to be the most valuable item in the house. KEITH: What was on it? JAKE: It's five years of programming that will revolutionise the industry. KEITH: It's always something, huh? I'm surprised you don't have a massive security system, Jake. WIEDMAN: It's coming. Keith. JAKE: Well, we've only been here for a month. WIEDMAN: Could have been household staff. No forced entry. KEITH: You mind? This could be the entry point. WIEDMAN: Looking at a tiny thief. INT - HARVEY RESIDENCE - DAY. KEITH: Mr. Harvey, Sheriff Keith Mars. I'm investigating a break-in at the Kanes' house next door. I happened to notice you had cameras mounted in your backyard. WALT: Come in. The security cameras are all hooked up to a DVR. We're looking at the backyard view in real time. But if you hit rewind, you can go back up to three days. There. That was something. Is that a girl? KEITH: Mr. Harvey, you mind if I take the DVR for evidence? EXT - PEMBERTON ESTATES GATE - DAY. KEITH: Excuse me. Deputy Gills. GILLS: In the flesh. Check out the new digs, Keith. This is what I do since you fired me. KEITH: There was a break-in at the Kanes' last night. I need to see a list of the plates of any strange cars that came in here. GILLS: Sure thing. Let me check. What do you know? Nothin'. Quiet night here at Pemberton Estates. Good luck on the case, though. Hey, best of luck in the election. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. MAC: Let me explain something, Veronica. I own the most powerful personal computer on campus. There is no personal computer faster or better than mine at Hearst. And using this incredible computer of mine, it will take twenty years to crack Jake Kane's password on this hard drive. VERONICA: So how do we do it? MAC: You're like Kirk in Wrath of Khan. You refuse to believe in the no-win scenario. VERONICA: You're like one of the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds with your Star Trek references. MAC: There is a computer on campus that might be able to crack it. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. EXT - PEMBERTON ESTATES GATE - DAY. WIEDMAN: Hello. SECURITY OFFICER: Sir? WIEDMAN: I need to ask you about a license-plate number. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, PHYSICS DEPARTMENT - NIGHT. MAC: Hello, lover. WEEVIL: Guess that's what you're looking for. VERONICA: Thanks. MAC: Here we go. INT - HARVEY RESIDENCE - NIGHT. WIEDMAN: Mr. Harvey. Mind if I talk to you about the sheriff's visit earlier? INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. KEITH: What do you know about the break-in at the Kane mansion? VERONICA: What happened to my room? KEITH: Did you steal five years of Kane software product development? VERONICA: No. That's a crazy question. Did you tear apart my room? KEITH: Yes. And I found this. Notice the rip? I found a blue thread on a loose screw of the Kane doggie door. Takes someone awfully small to break in through a doggie door. VERONICA: There are a lot of blue sweaters in the world. KEITH: Spoken like a public defender, Veronica. If there is something going on with you, if you're in trouble, now is the time to tell me. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I could tell you, but you'd never look at me the same. VERONICA: I'm spending the night at Mac's. INT - KANE RESIDENCE - NIGHT. JAKE: Veronica Mars? Veronica Mars? WIEDMAN: Easy, Jake. JAKE: You find her, you get that hard drive, and you arrange for it that I never see that girl again in this lifetime! WIEDMAN: You sure that's our best option? INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. KEITH: I want to return the sheriff's department to a place where everyone, regardless of zip code, gets a fair shake. JILL: Your opponent says he wants to be sheriff because he always wanted to wear a badge. KEITH: I'm excited about that, as well. JAKE: Where is he! It was your daughter, Keith! Veronica's the one that broke into my house and stole my hard drive! I believe you already know the county prosecutor. KEITH: And what makes you think- WIEDMAN: Veronica's plates were registered at the guard gate. Her in and out times match the time of the robbery. She's small enough. Plus, Mr. Kane's neighbour says his video footage revealed a blond girl running through his yard. REDDING: I'm gonna need that DVR, Keith. I need it now. KEITH: I'll happily turn it over as soon as you bring me a judge's order. REDDING: You know what this looks like, Keith? KEITH: Like I don't kowtow to the rich and powerful? REDDING: No. Not that. We'll be back. Soon. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, PHYSICS DEPARTMENT - DAY. VERONICA: I'll talk to you in an hour when I can make all this go away. MAC: Couple hours at least. VERONICA: We don't have two hours. There's a class scheduled in here at nine a.m. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. VERONICA: [on voicemail] This is Veronica. Leave me a message. KEITH: Honey. Things have really hit the fan down here. I'm pretty desperate to talk to you. I'm waiting on your call. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, PHYSICS DEPARTMENT - DAY. MAC: Veronica! Eureka! VERONICA: The names. Hundreds of them. This is more than one pledge class. MAC: Look, this guy's class of '39? Think we may have overshot. VERONICA: No. This is a beautiful thing. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. REDDING: Judge's orders. KEITH: See? That wasn't hard. Leo, you mind pulling the DVR from the evidence room and handing it over to the county prosecutor? INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. VERONICA: Confessions from every member of the Castle since its inception. Twenty years of transcriptions. And we have thirty years of audio, and thirty years of video. MAC: Why do they do it? VERONICA: No one spills the Castle's secrets because they know what they risk. MAC: Most of them aren't guilty of putting that video of you out there. VERONICA: But this guy is. Gorya Sorokin. GORY: [on video] So...we figured we'd go up to the mountain cabin, get loaded, and take the boat out. Parents didn't need to know. So we're getting high up on the balcony. And I hear a car pull up, and I hide, but I got a good angle. And I see my dad and Uncle Lev get out of a car. They open the trunk and pull a couple bodies out. They-they are bloody as hell. And so they drag the bodies into the workshop. And the next thing, I hear the power saw going. I always wondered why my dad put a woodshop up in the cabin. So the next thing you know, he and Uncle Lev are taking a couple hefty bags down to the boat- VERONICA: Maybe I'll let Gory Sorokin keep his secrets. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. VERONICA: Hey, Nish. I've got a present for you. NISH: You're transferring? VERONICA: A list. The names of every member of the Castle. All men. You think this will help with that lawsuit? NISH: Oh, my God. Politicians. Tycoons. Celebrities. This is gold. You're gonna make some very powerful men very unhappy. VERONICA: Won't be the first time. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY. LOGAN: Hey. VERONICA: You need to walk away. LOGAN: Just...I need to apologise. VERONICA: Great. Apology accepted. Now go. I'm meeting Piz, who, by the way, is the one you should be apologising to. LOGAN: I am sorry, Veronica. I thought...well, you know what I thought. GORY: I was hoping I'd see you. I didn't want to carry that around forever. You left it behind in my room. You know what? I'm glad we caught you on hidden camera. And I'm glad it's such a popular email attachment, because you're a real bitch. You know what you should do with your sudden popularity? Just lay back and enjoy it. VERONICA: Logan, don't. He's connected. Connected connected. LOGAN: Oh. Yeah, I was wondering. Didn't seem like you to shrug it off. Hey, so listen. Again...I apologise. I can be pretty dumb sometimes. VERONICA: It's a nice gesture, but it's gonna take some time this time. LOGAN: Want to hear your friend apologise? VERONICA: I'm not interested in his apology. But I would like my pen back. GORY: Whoever you are, you're gonna die. LOGAN: Yeah, some day. Ah, Piz. Just who I was looking for. Listen, man. I am truly sorry...for everything. INT - KANE RESIDENCE - NIGHT. VERONICA: So are you like the butler now or...I'm just saying. Answering the door kind of smells of being demoted. WIEDMAN: I like to deal with the miscreants personally. VERONICA: Yes, you do. WIEDMAN: Look who dropped by. JAKE: Veronica. Would you care for something? Lemonade, mineral water? VERONICA: I came by to bring this back. JAKE: Hmm. Would you wait right there? I'm gonna call the sheriff myself, have him come arrest you. VERONICA: Go ahead. I'll wait. But the moment that happens, everything on this drive goes public. JAKE: There's no way you can know what's on that drive. Not in a-not in a day. VERONICA: Gabe Huntley. Class of '74. Ran over someone one night in Tijuana. Gerald Cummings. Election fraud. Then there's that steamy boarding-school incident of yours. And we leave my dad out of it. JAKE: I'm afraid it's a little too late for that, Veronica. Clarence will see you out. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. KEITH: Good. You're home. Prepare for gumbo. How do I find the time to make gumbo, you ask? I make time. VERONICA: You know I love you, right? More than anything. KEITH: Of course, honey. I never doubted. Eat. [Later, day.] VERONICA: Dad? LYRICS: Got on board a westbound 747 Didn't think before deciding what to do All that talk of opportunities TV breaks and movies Rang true Sure rang true Seems it never rains in Southern California Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before It never rains in California INT - POLLING STATION - DAY. EXT - POLLING STATION - DAY.

Angry that Logan attacked Piz, Veronica tells him to leave her alone. Parker confronts Logan about his continuing feelings for Veronica and breaks up with him, while Piz assures Veronica that he had nothing to do with the sex video. Veronica, with Weevil's help, investigates how the tape originated and discovers Jake Kane is linked to The Castle and pays him a visit. Logan apologizes to Veronica for attacking Piz and beats up the real culprit in the cafeteria after which he apologizes to Piz.

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fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_03x18_0

(Izzie is in the shower) MVO: People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories... (Izzie gets out of the shower and Alex enters the bathroom) MVO: ...diagrams of all their old wounds. Izzie: Alex, God! Alex: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen it all before. Izzie: What the hell are you doing here? Alex: Moving in. Izzie: What? (Alex leaves) MVO: Most of our old wounds heal leaving nothing behind but a scar, but some of them don't. (Izzie busts into Meredith's bedroom where she and Derek are sleeping) Izzie: Alex is moving into this house? Meredith: He's taking George's room. Izzie: Why? Derek: I was asleep just a minute ago. Izzie: Yeah, and I was naked in the bathroom when Alex walked in. I'm lucky I didn't come out of the shower to find him peeing all over the seat. Derek: And we're up. Izzie: What's wrong with where he was living before? Meredith: I don't know where he was living before. Izzie: Probably a whore house. I can't have him living in the room next door, it's weird. Meredith: People are what matters. Alex is one of our people, we can't leave him out in the cold. Izzie: People are matters? You don't like people. Is this about your mother. Meredith: No, I had a near death whatever...I was dead and now I'm not so...I'd like to use this chance I've been given to be more positive. People are what matters. Paint with all the colors of the wind. Izzie: Oh, ok. You're crazy now. Meredith: I'm alive. Izzie: Yeah, ok. (Izzie walks into the hall as Alex is about to walk into the bathroom) Izzie: No, no. I'm not done in there yet. (She pulls up her towel) Alex: Oh, no don't worry, not looking, not interested. MVO: Some wounds we carry with us everywhere... (George and Callie's hotel room) MVO: ...and though the cuts long gone... George: No, she's selfish is Izzie's problem. MVO: ...the pain still lingers. George: She's not selfish she's generous. But she's self-absorbed. Her problem is that she doesn't see other people's perspectives. Callie: Hey, give me a bite. George: It's weird because she's so ridiculously compassionate with her patients, you think she'd roll some of that off with her friends. But... Callie: How bout we don't talk about her anymore. George: That's a fine idea. (They kiss) (Seattle scenes) (Locker room) Izzie: He's in George's room and when George's stupid marriage crashes and burns he's gonna wanna move back in and he won't be able to. His life will be in a shambles, his finally realize that his dead is dead, he'll realize he made a fool of himself by marrying someone he doesn't really love and he'll have no place to go. Is that what you want? Meredith: That's exactly what I want. (Alex, George and Cristina enter) Alex: Huh, look who found some clothes. George: How you doing? Meredith: Ok, everybody, lets do this once. I'm fine. She's cremated, I picked out a beautiful urn and she's hanging out in the back of my closet. Any more questions about my dead mother or can we get back to work? Cristina: Does anyone know who the new chief candidate is? (Bailey enters) George: Chief's bringing in a ringer in case he doesn't want to give the job to either one of your boyfriends. Bailey: O'Malley, your with Shepherd today. Yang, Dr. Montgomery. Stevens, to the clinic. Karev, Jane Doe. Grey, scut. Meredith: Once again, I am fine. Bailey: You can tell everybody your fine till your blue in the face. Your mom died and you almost joined her, you're taking it easy. (Jane Doe's room) Jane: Anybody come looking for me yet? Alex: No match on your prints, no hits from missing persons plus... Jane: My face is hard to identify. Alex: The second they find something out about your identity, I'm gonna come tell ya. Jane: Dr. Sloan says I need surgery on my eye. Alex: He just wants to make sure you don't lose vision there completely. Jane: But Dr. Montgomery I should wait a day or two because of the baby. I don't know how I'm supposed to take that. Alex: Yeah, well, surgery can be hard on a baby but you're gonna be on a fetal monitor the whole time so if anything goes wrong we'll catch it. Jane: Thank you. I really...I really appreciate you taking the time to...you're all I've got in this place. (Izzie is in the clinic with a war vet) Izzie: Does that hurt? Mr. Scofield: Of course it hurts, don't poke it like that. Izzie: Has the lump been there a long time? Mr. Scofield: I got shot 50 years ago, it's been there a long time. Izzie: But it hasn't bothered you till recently? Mr. Scofield: It bothers me there's a bullet in there. It'd bother you too but it didn't start hurting till a couple months ago. Izzie: You think it's a bullet? Mr. Scofield: I don't think lady, I know. I wanted it out. But the Army doctor's didn't want to go get it. So, they let me keep it in for half a life time. Izzie: Let's get some pictures and see if you're right. Mr. Scofield: I know I'm right, save your film. Just get me something for the pain Izzie: Mr. Scofield, I'm sure you are right but we're still gonna do this my way. (Derek enters Helen's room) Helen: Derek Derek: There she is. How was your flight? Helen: They didn't feed me, which I didn't understand. Derek: Dr. O'Malley, Dr. Crawford, she's a big pain in the ass. George: Pleasure. Helen: He says that because we worked together in New York and I was the only one who never had a crush on him. Derek: No, I don't buy that. What do we know O'Malley? George: Dr. Crawford has a pariphalseum meningioma along the superior saginal sinus. You've operated three times, keeps on coming back. Derek: Yeah, it's in dangerous territory so we leave a little bit of the tumor behind each time and we go back every couple of years and tune it up. Helen: But this is the last time. Derek: Sorry? Helen: This is it Derek. I'm done after this. Derek: Helen Helen: The recovery takes forever and it's not like when Jake was around. I go through this by myself now. Derek: Don't throw in the towel. Helen: I'm looking at the situation as it is. I am going to do this now then I am going to spend the next two years of my life lying on a beach enjoying the sun. Derek: Helen. Helen: Stop looking at me like I killed your cat, the decision is made. (Izzie walks up to a group of people who are gathered outside a conference room) Izzie: You guys seen Bailey? What are we doing? George: Uh, checking out the new chief candidate. Meredith: Chiefs in with the ringer. We're lurking, in a way that was subtle when there were two of us but isn't now that they're twelve. Cristina: I heard it was someone from Stanford. All the professors there loved me. Alex: They loved you? Cristina: I was a great student. (Burke walks up) Burke: How you doing? Meredith: Oh, I'm fine sir. Thank you. George: She doesn't like when you ask. Cristina: The ringer is in there with the chief. Izzie: Yeah and whoever it is loves Cristina cause everyone at Stanford just loved Cristina. Cristina: Shut up. Burke: She's a good student, nothing to be ashamed of. Cristina: Thank you. Burke: Bit of a kiss ass but that's hard to control. George: Ok, they're coming out, look away. (Richard walks out with Colin) Burke: That's Colin Marlow. (Cristina looks nauseous) Alex: Like the Marlow transplant? Burke: Like the greatest thing in cardio-thoracic surgery in a generation. Um, Dr. Marlow, I'm Preston Burke. I'm a great admirer of your work, sir. Particularly the... (Colin spots Cristina) Colin: Yes, thank you. Would you excuse me for a second. (Colin walks over to Cristina) Colin: Well, you gonna give me a hug or what? (Colin and Cristina hug including some hand on butt action that everyone sees) (Cristina and Burke are walking through the hall) Burke: So, what was that exactly? Cristina: He was my professor, we were close. Burke: Well, close appears to be something of an understatement. Cristina: It was a long time ago. Burke: I talk about him all the time, you never thought to mention it? Cristina: Well, um, I didn't think about every guy I ever slept with. I have a hysterectomy to prep. Are we done with the curiosity? Great! (Meredith and Izzie are walking through the hall) Izzie: What are you doing tonight? Cause I don't wanna go home and find Alex there and it's just the two of us and it's weird and awkward and he doesn't know if he should talk to me or not to talk to me. It's just such a weird situation. I'd rather it be group awkwardness you know... (Meredith sees Thatcher and Susan Grey at the end of the hall and ducks into a closet.) Izzie: I don't wanna just be standing there staring at him...(She looks around and realizes that Meredith is gone) Meredith? (Cristina walks up) Cristina: Have you seen Montgomery? Izzie: No. Hey! What you doing tonight? You wanna come over, you and I never really get a chance to hang out. It might be kinda fun. (Cristina sees Colin walking down the hall and ducks into the same closet Meredith is hiding in) Alex just moved in which was Meredith's brilliant idea and he has a thing for me so it's...(She sees that Cristina is gone) What the hell? (Inside the closet) Meredith: This is my hiding spot. My father is out there, go somewhere else. Cristina: I need this closet Meredith. Meredith: Colin Marlow. Cristina: Yes, he was my professor. We were close. Meredith: He had his hand on your ass, I sure hope you were close. (Colin and Susan are now standing outside the closet) Susan: Did you see somebody go in there? Colin: I did, someone's hiding from me. Susan: Yes, I think someone's hiding from me too. (Inside the closet) Meredith: You were that girl, huh? The girl who slept with the professor. We had one in my class, she only got to the radiologist though. No one got near the cardio guy... Cristina: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I scored big. You know what, hide in the bathroom. Meredith: My awkwardness with my father is well established. You and the cardio god on the other hand have loads to catch up on. Cristina: I don't wanna talk to the cardio god. (Outside) Colin: You know we can hear you in there, right? Loud and clear. (They open the door) Cristina: Oh, hi. Colin: Hi. Susan: Excuse me. Colin: Yeah. Susan: May I. Meredith: Oh, I was just leaving actually. Susan: We heard about your mother. I'm so sorry. Meredith: Thank you. Susan: There wasn't a funeral or anything? Meredith: Oh, she didn't want that. I hope everything's ok with the baby. Susan: Oh, we're not here with the baby. We're here because we wanted to make sure that you were all right. Meredith: Oh, oh, that's sweet but we don't have to do this. I'm not in shock, I'm not racked with grief, I'm just moving on. Susan: But you're hiding in a broom closet. Meredith: Well, if you could just move my father. Susan: I sent him to go get some coffee. But we'd really like to make dinner or something...for you. He's been really worried about you, and he's the family you have left Meredith. Meredith: I don't see it that way. Susan: When is this gonna stop. He made some mistakes but he's not a monster. He's just an inarticulate person who spills food on himself a lot. Have dinner with us, tonight? I'll make some chili, the whole thing will be over in an hour. Think you can do that? (Colin and Cristina are walking through the hall) Colin: I can't believe you hid in a closet when you saw me coming. If it wasn't just tragic, it might be the most adorable thing I've ever seen. Cristina: You could have warned me. Colin: I thought, Cristina Yang wouldn't hide in the closet because she doesn't want to talk to me which clearly she doesn't cause she fled like a roach in sunlight when she saw me coming. Cristina: You know I didn't flee, I was...I have to work to do. I'm not a professional note taker anymore. Colin: You grew your hair. It's lovely. Cristina: Don't flirt with me, I have a person. Colin: Really, who? Cristina: Preston Burke. Colin: You never change, it's really adorable. Cristina: Shut up! It is a real relationship. Colin: I bet it is. Cristina: I'm marrying him. Colin: Good. Congratulations. I'm being genuine. It's wonderful. Can I give you a congratulatory hug? Cristina: Don't touch my ass. (Helen's room) Helen: My stomach is growling. George: Sorry, we can't let you eat before the surgery. Helen: That's ok. I stayed at the Archfield last night. I had them make me breakfast at midnight. George: You should try the French toast. It'll blow your mind. Helen: Breakfast at the Archfield on an intern's salary? George: Yeah, I kinda live there at the moment. My wife gets a deal. Helen: That's one hell of a deal. (George is in the x-ray room with Callie) George: So, our room service bill, at the Archfield, is that part of the deal? Callie: Yeah, sure. George: I mean, breakfast alone is what fifty bucks a day and they still only charge us $400 a week? Callie: Sometimes I pay them more for room service. George: Ok, well then just tell me how much it is and we'll split it like the rest. Callie: Don't worry about it, George. George: No, come on, I'm not gonna have you pay for all the food. Just tell me how much the room service bill is. Callie: We pay about $800 a week. George: DOLLARS? Callie: I told you not to worry about it. George: You can't afford that. Callie: Yes I can. George: How? I'm your husband now, you're supposed to tell me this stuff. Callie: Ok, just come here. All right, my parents have a lot of money and so I have more money than I make. And we don't have a special deal through family friends at the Archfield, I just...I pay for it. George: How much? Callie: $2500 a week. George: You're an heiress. Callie: Ok, see this is why I don't tell people. George: No, you're an heiress. Callie: No, stop talking, no just don't. Ok, stop talking, stop talking. I mean it. I didn't tell you because my parents money has affected every single relationship in my life and so I've stopped talking about it and living it. George: No, no wait. Wait, so I've been paying you $200 a week for what fun? Callie: No, I use it to tip housekeeping. George: Great! I'm glad I could pitch in. Is there anything else huge I should know about like this? Callie: I used to have a pet ferret for nine years. George! Oh great. (Helen's room) Derek: Now stop distracting the staff. Helen: You're pushy, anybody ever tell you that? Derek: Um, so what do you think of a saginal sinus bypass? Helen: Have you ever scrubbed in on a saginal sinus bypass, Dr. O'Malley? George: No. Helen: It's what they call "big balls" surgery. Apparently, I have a doctor with... Derek: It's been very successful. Helen: If the patient doesn't stroke out. Derek: If it works the tumor's all gone. We never have to go back in there again. Helen: If it doesn't work, I'm dead. Derek: If you refuse to come back in two years, you're dead anyway. Helen: That's a decision I can live with. Derek: That is not a decision I can live with. O'Malley, go find her labs. So, what do you think, huh? Two years on a beach and then what? After you piss away your savings, your memory goes, motor skills deteriorate and you're dying a very slow miserable painful death... Helen: Derek Derek: You're gonna call me up and ask me why we didn't do something when we had the chance. Now that is not something I can live with. Not when we can do something right now to prevent it. (Mr. Scofield's room) Izzie: Well, it looks like the bullet has damaged your scapula. Mr. Scofield: No wonder it hurts. Callie: How did you get shot, sir? Mr. Scofield: Korea, garden spot, makes a nice vacation. Can I get a damn pain killer? Richard: I think we'll do you one better, were gonna take it out. Mr. Scofield: My bullet? Richard: There was no reason to remove it when you first got hit, but now it's infected, it's working it's way into your scapula and we can't have that. Mr. Scofield: I need to see that bullet. Callie: What, are you gonna frame it? Mr. Scofield: No, smarty pants. I was fragged a couple of weeks before it all ended. Izzie: Fragged? Richard: Shot by one of his own men. Mr. Scofield: I made a decision and they didn't like it and then what do you know, we're facing enemy fire and I take a hit from the wrong side of the line. I could never prove it but we could prove it now, when you pull the damn thing out of me. Get me my bullet. Richard: Just calm down Mr. Scofield. Mr. Scofield: Do you know what it's like when your own men turn on you? Richard: It's not a good feeling. (Callie and Izzie share a look) (Meredith enters the office where Derek is) Meredith: I just agreed to have dinner at my father's house, tonight. And, Cristina slept with Colin Marlow. Derek: The Marlow transplant, Marlow? Meredith: They had a thing when she was a student. How can I have a meal at my father's house? Derek: He slept with Cristina? Meredith: Derek! Derek: Oh, right, ok, um, sorry. Have dinner at your house. It's your place, I'll come. I'll be your wing man, it'll be fun. (She gives him a look) Ok, it won't be fun. It'll be...it'll be fine. They're your family. Meredith: Why does everyone assume that? Derek: Cause you have to have a family whether you like them or not. (Addison and Mark are standing at a nurse's station. He checks out a woman as she walks by) Addison: Thought we had a deal? Mark: We agreed I wouldn't sleep with anybody for two months, we didn't say I wouldn't look. You didn't think I'd hold out? Addison: No, I didn't. Mark: You're worth it. Addison: You bet your ass I am. (Meredith and George are having lunch) George: She's rich, totally rich. Boatloads of money. Meredith: George, that's fantastic. George: No, it's...it's not fantastic. (Izzie walks up and sits down) Izzie: Cristina did Colin Marlow! Meredith: Callie's rich. George: Don't talk to her about it. Izzie: Her? I'm sorry, I don't have a name anymore? George: Don't tell anyone, those were my words. Izzie: So, she's rich. George: Just shut up about it. Do you think that's possible? (George leaves) Izzie: If you give me the "people is what matters" thing again, I will kill you. (Cristina sits down) Izzie: Colin Marlow! Was it good? Was he good? Did he make you a better lovah? Cristina: Do you remember all the other times I've talked to you about my s*x life? Izzie: No. Cristina: Exactly. (Alex sits down) Alex: Did I miss anything about her doing the old guy? Izzie: She's not talking. Alex: Oh, she'll talk. Meredith: So, I was supposed to be back in the game today but instead I'm planning dinner for my father in my dead mother's house. I don't cook, how am I supposed to cook for them? Izzie: I will make your stupid dinner. So, were there any little blue pills involved? Or, is he untouched by time? Alex: Dude, that's just wrong, don't answer that. Meredith: Because I am your friend I will show up at your house 45 minutes into the dinner with a fake crisis. So, if it's unbearable you can abort. Meredith: Oh, thank you. Izzie: Come on, he's not a young man. He wasn't getting a little help? Poppin the pill? Dad's best friend? Come on, you're gonna give me nothing, after everything we've been through? Nothing? Cristina: It's a miracle drug. (To Alex) And someday it'll save your life. (Colin is looking at the OR board when Derek walks up) Derek: Dr. Marlow, Derek Shepherd, neuro. Colin: Ahh. Derek: I'm doing a saginal sinus bypass today if you'd like to observe. (Burke walks up) Colin: Really? That's quite a procedure... Burke: That's a good trick but if you're really interested to see what this hospital can do, I'm performing an arterial switch operation for a TGA this afternoon. Colin: If you gentlemen are trying to intimidate the competition, it's working. Derek: Good. Colin: I'll see both of you in surgery. (Colin walks away) Derek: Colin Marlow. Burke: The one and only. Derek: He...? Burke: Yes. Derek: With...? Burke: Yes. Derek: Wow. Burke: Indeed. Derek: Yeah. (Jane Doe's OR) Mark: Suction. No, not like you're driving a tractor, slowly. Better. Alex: What's the chance she wakes up and remembers everything? Mark: I wouldn't count on it. Alex: Dr. Sloan, the baby's having decels. Mark: Are you sure? Sometimes the monitors not on right, you get a false read. (Alex lifts the sheet) Alex: She's got vaginal bleeding. That baby's in distress. Mark: Damn it. Page Dr. Montgomery, now! (Burke's surgery) Colin: You're making an honest woman of Cristina Yang. That's...that's impressive. I always thought she was collecting us like baseball cards. Burke: Baseball cards? Colin: She's like an authority figure, someone with something to teach her, but I never thought she would actually commit. She used to say to me that she thought marriage was for the weak and undirected. I made a number of marriage proposals, seemed the polite thing to do. Such a long time together, but she wouldn't have it. Burke: All what time? You were just having a fling with a student. Colin: Fling? Cristina and I were together for three years. (Burke and Cristina are in the stairwell) Cristina: The problem that I slept with my professor or that I was committed enough to keep at it for three years? Burke: No, you told him that you thought marriage was idiotic institution... Cristina: It is. Burke: Then why did you say yes? Cristina: Cause I wanted to make you happy. Burke: Happy? Cristina: You know, I'll do a lot of things to make you happy. Do I give a crap about a ceremony with a dress and a flautist? No! But I'm happy to do it, if it'll make you happy. Burke: Heartwarming. Thanks. (Addison, Mark and Alex leave the OR. Mark and Addison are in a yelling match.) Addison: You couldn't have waited one day? Mark: She was 40% vision compromised in her right eye, it would have been gone tomorrow. Addison: No, it's would actually but there's a snazzy new chief candidate marching around the hall today and you needed to be a hero. That's what needed to happen today. Mark: The patient was fine, Addison. The baby's still in her uterus and she's not losing an eye. Every surgery is risky, the patient chose this one. (Derek walks up) Addison: Karev, don't just stand there. The patient's baby was in distress, go, stay with her. Derek: Something happen with Jane Doe? Mark: Yeah, she can see and Addison's got a problem with it. Addison: He rushed her into surgery and she almost lost the baby. I had to sew her cervix shut. Mark: The complications had nothing to do with the surgery. Addison: Why? Why do you think Mark moved so quickly, Derek? Do you think it's because a piece of the orbital bone was floating towards the brain? Derek: Well, I think it's because Mark wants a promotion. Mark: You're not her husband, this isn't your patient, stay out of it! (Richard has walked up) Richard: What the hell do you people think you're doing? You're supposed to be the leadership of this hospital, screaming about a patient in the hallway? Are you out of your minds? (Helen's OR) Colin: Tough procedure. Derek: Mmm. Colin: It's a bold choice. Derek: We've been fighting this one for a while. I'm hoping this will be the end of it. (Monitor starts beeping) What happened? Doctor: End title CO2 just dropped from 30 to 16. Bagging manually. Colin: ...is showing air in the left ventricle. George: O2 stats down to 89. Derek: Aspirate the central line. Colin: Bradycardic. Derek: Push one of atropine. George: There's no air in the central line. Derek: All right, level her out, I'm gonna flood the field. Colin: Asystole. Derek: Push one milligram of epi. Start compressions. Go, go, get in there, get in there, do it. Come on. (Mr. Scofield's OR) Callie: That things been in there since the Korean War? Richard: He's lucky it didn't travel down to his aorta. Ok, little suction there. Almost...I got it. Make sure we get that back, the patient wants it. Izzie: He's got a warped sense of nostalgia. Callie: Hmm, I get it. If they pulled a bullet out of me, I'd want it cast in gold and mounted on my wall. Izzie: Yeah, well, you can afford it. (Izzie realizes too late that she should have kept her mouth shut) Richard: A little more suction, lets get ready to close. (Helen's OR) Derek: She's not responding. I'm gonna open her up. Colin: Open cardiac massage? You're a neurosurgeon. Derek: You have no privileges in this hospital. Get my glasses off. Nurse: Should we page Dr. Burke? Derek: No, I got it. Colin: Cross clamp...you don't want air in the cerebral arteries. Derek: Yeah, I got it. Give me a ten blade. Ten blade, quickly please. O'Malley, get over here. Let's roll her, ready, 1, 2, 3, go. Ok, rib spreader. Scissors. Massage the heart, O'Malley. I need to aspirate. Colin: Any air return? Derek: 10 cc. Doctor: End title CO2's starting to go back up. George: The heart's starting to beat on it's own. Pressure's 60 over 40. It's low but it's there. Colin: She's gonna make it. George: Should I start closing her up? Dr. Shepherd? Derek: O'Malley, I just sliced my friend's chest open, give me a moment. (Colin and Derek are walking out of the OR) Colin: That's very well handled, Dr. Shepherd. Very impressive indeed. Derek: Not something I want to do everyday but thank you. (They walk up to Burke) Burke: Ah, what happened? Colin: Dr, Shepherd's patient had a venus air embolism. He had to split her chest open, massage her heart, and manually aspirate right in the middle of his procedure. Burke: Why didn't you call me? Derek: You were operating. Burke: I was next door, you could have pulled me out. Derek: There was no time, I handled it. Burke: You think I crack people's heads open when you're in the building just cause I think I can. Derek: The patient is fine. (Mark walks up) Burke: The patient is lucky and you were showboating. Derek: Showboating? What...what are you out of your mind? I was... Burke: We seem to be going out of our way to impress Dr. Marlow. Mark: I'll bet we are. (Richard has walked up) Richard: Gentlemen. Colin: Good day, doctors. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Scofield's room) Richard: How you feeling, Mr. Scofield? Mr. Scofield: Where's my bullet? (Richard hands him a jar with a very small piece of bullet in it.) That it? Where's the rest of it? Richard: That was it. Mr. Scofield: Is that a letter? Can you read that? Izzie: I don't think it's much of anything, it's just a scratch. Mr. Scofield: It's so small, it could just be anything. Richard: It's been a long time, they don't hold up that well. Mr. Scofield: Could you know have your lab, you know, analyze it? Tell me if it's one of ours. Richard: We're not set up for that kind of investigation, Mr. Scofield. You could try to send it to a forensic lab but I don't know if they'll tell you much either. (Richard leaves) Mr. Scofield: I've been stewing for 50 years. Izzie: Maybe it's time to move on. Mr. Scofield: To what? I lost my whole unit over this. I came home, my wife she didn't get it. I've been blazing mad my whole life, I've got nothing left. Izzie: It's not to late to let it go and start over. Mr. Scofield: You're a sweet kid but you don't know what it's like to have something change you in your soul. Izzie: I do. I wish I didn't but I do. Mr. Scofield: Don't let it turn you. (Outside Mr. Scofield's room, Bailey walks up to Richard) Bailey: You look like you've had a long day. Richard: You know what fragging is? Bailey: Mmm-hmm. Richard: We've got an epidemic of it today. My esteemed attendings are gonna be the death of me. Bailey: Is there a front runner? Richard: I don't know. What I do know is I don't want my attendings tearing each others throats out because of some internal power struggle. It's too dangerous for the hospital. Bailey: Does that mean...is Colin Marlow gonna be the new chief? Richard: Good night, Dr. Bailey. (Richard walks away and leaves Bailey standing there speechless) (Seattle scenes) (Meredith's house, Izzie and Meredith are in the kitchen) Izzie: This is ready. Don't slosh it around, it's all about the presentation. Meredith: Come in and eat with us. Izzie: You need to bond with your people, Meredith. People are what matters. Meredith: I hate people. Izzie: Yeah, well, do your own talking. Meredith: We talked. We talked hospital, we talked his research, we talked dead mother. I'm out. Izzie: Ask about the baby, ask if it poos, people can go on about that for hours. (Meredith walks into the dining room where Derek, Thatcher and Susan are seated at the table) Susan: Oh, chicken looks delicious. Meredith: It's from the store. Susan: Well the green beans look great as well. Meredith: I didn't do those either. Derek: It's beautifully presented. Meredith: Izzie did that. Derek: Oh. (Alex enters) Meredith: Alex! Come, sit. Eat! We're eating. This is Susan and this is my father. Thatcher: Hi. Alex: Cool. Meredith: So, how are you? How was your day? Alex: Ok, hungry. Meredith: Good. How's the baby. Susan: Great. Thatcher: She's smiling now sometimes. Looks exactly like Molly when she smiles. I mean it's amazing. I've got this old picture of Molly and me when she was, I don't know, 5 and she's sitting on this red sled in the snow, this great big fir tree. Susan: You know, I'm not sure that that... Thatcher: Yeah, no honey, it's a massive Douglas fir and in the picture couldn't look more like the baby. I mean, incredible. Meredith: That's me. The red sled and the big fir tree and the park at the middle school and the ugly yellow wool coat. That's isn't Molly it's you and me. Izzie: (From the kitchen) Crap! Meredith: Oh great. Izzie: Sorry. Meredith: Sorry. Izzie: I think I blew a fuse. Thatcher: I'll get it. Meredith: No, you know, I can get it, it's... Thatcher: Laundry room. (Thatcher heads for the laundry room) Meredith: I keep forgetting. Derek: What? Meredith: It's his house. (Burke is at a nurse's station when Cristina walks by) Cristina: I'm going home. are you going home? Burke: How did it end? Cristina: It ended. School was ending, I was leaving. Burke: You were done. Cristina: I came here, I fell in love with you. Burke: A new mentor, with a host of things to teach you. Cristina: You know what, if you think I'm in this for the education... Burke: Do you or do you not find my knowledge and skill compelling? Cristina: You know what, you are blowing this way out of proportion. Burke: A man three times you age believed he was having a substantial relationship with you... Cristina: Well, yeah. He was. Burke: And one day, you're done, just like that. Cristina: Yes. Burke: No, you don't open yourself to anyone. Sometimes, I think it's charming, she's different. She's not like other women, the simple fact is you have never left me in. What, you think it's gonna make a good marriage? Cause I don't. I don't want you to marry me cause your placating me. That doesn't interest me, doesn't interest me at all. (Meredith's dining room, Susan, Meredith and Derek are sitting in the dark) Meredith: Do you think he's ok? Susan: He'll find it. Meredith: He probably can't see, there's a flashlight in the closet. Derek: I'll go get it. Meredith: Ok. Derek: Excuse me. (Derek leaves) Meredith: I'm sorry. Susan: It's going fine. Meredith: I just...I don't know what to say to him. Susan: Well, it's not easy. It's cause he's afraid of you. Meredith: I shouldn't have bit his head. I wish I could have just... Susan: Meredith, it's ok to get angry, it's you in the picture. (Callie and George's hotel room) Callie: Izzie Stevens? I share something with you that I am clearly uncomfortable about and you tell Izzie Stevens. George: No, I didn't tell Izzie, I told Meredith, Meredith... Callie: Oh, so that's better? George: No, it was an accident. It was an accident. I was pissed off. Why can't you give me the benefit of the doubt that maybe sometimes I'm on your side? Callie: Because you choose your friends over me every chance you get. George: No I don't. I married you and I haven't talked to my best friend in weeks. Meanwhile, you lied to me about where we live and why. You lied to me about your background, you lied to me about your family and still I'm the dog who gets whacked on the nose with the newspaper, all the time. When is this gonna stop? Callie: Oh, so this is my problem? George: Yeah, maybe it is. Callie: Oh, the fact that your best friend violently disses our marriage every chance she gets, publicly, repeatedly. Why do you think she does that George, you ever think about that? George: She's having a problem with this, I understand that. Callie: She has feelings for you. George: What? Callie: She wants you. She's wants you, that's what this is about. That's why she hates me. George! George, do not laugh at me. Do not laugh at me. George: No, I'm not, I'm not. Oh god. It's just...she's Izzie. She's blonde, she's stacked, she's a supermodel, I'm George. Callie: So, what does that make me. George: No, come on. You're gorgeous and your curvy and I never thought you'd go for me. Callie: Just shut up. George: Callie! Callie: This is my hotel room that I paid for with my huge piles of money. Get the hell out of it! (Izzie and Alex are in Meredith's kitchen) Izzie: Sorry about the lights. Alex: Whatever. Food's good. Izzie: You want some pie? Alex: Nah, I gotta go. Izzie: Ah, big plans, got a hot date? Oh, good for you. I guess not interested really meant not interested. Alex: Iz, you didn't want me. Izzie: Yeah, but that doesn't mean I want you to want anyone else. Am I gonna be alone, pining over a dead guy forever? Alex: I hope not, it's kind of a waste. Izzie: Am I supposed to move on now? Do people look at me and say she's gotta get over it already it's running her life? Alex: You'll move on when you're ready to. (He kisses her cheek) (The dining room, Susan and Meredith are at the table when Cristina enters) Cristina: Why are you sitting in the dark? Meredith: Izzie blew a fuse. Cristina: Ok, I'm having a crisis. Meredith: Oh, I don't need rescuing. Susan is very nice and we're getting through it. Susan: Limping through but we'll make it. Cristina: Oh, no, this isn't a fake crisis. This is a real, my ex is about to ruin my impending marriage crisis. (George enters) George: Hey! Hey! Where's Izzie? Meredith: Kitchen. (To Susan) Sorry it's not always like this. Cristina: Yeah, it kinda is. (Izzie is in the kitchen when George enters) Izzie: They're in the other room. George: I need you to get over yourself. I need you to start liking my wife. I need you to like her because sometimes I don't and I need you to talk me back into it. You say you're my friend, that's the job. Izzie: Ok. George: I need to vent and I need it to be ok. Izzie: Ok. George: And I need to vent with alcohol. I got married and I'm scared it was a bad idea. Izzie: Nobody ever got married and didn't think that at least once. (Derek enters the laundry room where Thatcher is relaxing in a rocking chair) Derek: Did you find the fuse box? Thatcher: Yeah, yeah, I just needed to... Derek: Take a break? Thatcher: I don't know...I don't know how to or what to talk to her about. Derek: Work's a good place to start. Yeah, she's proud of what she does. She's good at it too. I'd start with that. Thatcher: You get each other, that's nice. Derek: Some days it's nice. Some days I'd like to come home to someone who doesn't know a thing about it. Thatcher: Rough day? Derek: I almost lost a friend in my own OR. Thatcher: Was it your fault? Derek: I don't know. You were both nervous tonight, it'll get easier. Thatcher: She was nervous? Derek: Yeah, she's tough, she tries to hide it. She's difficult but if you make an effort, she's worth it. Thatcher: You kidding? Derek: Not entirely. She's worth the effort. Thatcher: All right. (Thatcher turns the lights back on) Derek: Ah, nice. (Derek's pager goes off) Derek: Damn it Thatcher: Gotta go back in, huh? Derek: Yeah. (Seattle scenes) (Helen's room) Helen: Why is there an 11 inch incision in my chest? Derek: You coded on the table, air embolus. I had to open you up and aspirate. Helen: See, I'm sure you did a great job but that's why you're gonna have some real trouble convincing me to do it again. Derek: Helen...we got it all. The tumor, we never have to go back in there again. Helen: You sure? Derek: I'm sure. You're gonna live a long, long life. Helen: And here I thought you were just being an ass. Derek: Ah, I was an ass. I had no right to push you like that. Helen: No, you did not. Derek: I was going through some stuff and...I was an ass. Helen: Ok, but in this moment, you're the ass who gave me my life back. (Thatcher and Susan are leaving Meredith's house) Susan: I am so glad we did this. Meredith: I am too. Thank you for suggesting it because I... Susan: You never would have in a million years. Good night sweetie. Meredith: Thank you, good night. Thatcher: I'm sorry about your mother. Meredith: Thank you. Thatcher: Swings still here. Meredith: Yes, it doesn't swing. Nobody uses it. Thatcher: Here (He pulls out a nail) I put this in there, you used to catch your fingers. (Meredith pushes the swing) (Izzie and George are in the kitchen very drunk) Izzie: Suck it up. Go back with your tail between your legs and just apologize. George: No! Izzie: No really just say "I'm sorry, I'm an ass." George: I'm always apologizing. Izzie: Blah, blah, blah and it's over, it's all over. George: I can't be wrong all the time, is that really possible? (Izzie goes to pore more drink) George: No, don't. Izzie: Hey, don't be grabby. George: I don't have any, boogie. Izzie: Maybe you're wrong all the time, maybe she's just insecure. It doesn't matter you still have to grovel. George: She's insecure, that is a fact. She's insecure. Izzie: What? What? Just tell me. Come on, come on. George: It's just...nothing. She thinks you have feelings for me and that the problem. Izzie: I love it. George: And that, uh, I desperately want you. Izzie: I'm crying. Is she crazy? George: I think she's maybe a little crazy Izzie: I can't breathe, I can't breathe. (He touches her head and they look deeply into each other eyes) (Jane Doe's room) Alex: Scary day, huh? Jane: Yeah. Alex: Your amniotic sacs in tact, placentas in good position. Dr. Montgomery sewed your cervix up so tight, nothings coming out of there. Jane: So, that baby's gonna be ok. Alex: We're gonna have to see how it goes. I'm sorry. You asked me what I thought and I told you to go for it. I'm sorry. Jane: It's not your fault. Alex: No, see, when I pulled you out of that water at the ferry. I talked to you like you were my sister and I shouldn't have. I'm an intern, you've gotta get your advice from an attending. Jane: I asked you cause I trust you. Why don't you sit and tell me a bedtime story or something? MVO: What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful... (Meredith's room, Cristina is in her bed) Meredith: Move over, you're in the middle of the bed. MVO:...or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did. Cristina: Am I gonna screw up this engagement? Meredith: I don't know, do you want to? Cristina: I don't know. Meredith: My mom is dead. Cristina: Yeah, she is. MVO: Maybe our old wounds teach us something... (Meredith puts her arm around Cristina) (Alex is asleep in George's old room) MVO: ...they remind us of where we've been and what we've overcome. (Cristina and Meredith are sleeping) MVO: They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. (Izzie is waking up) MVO: But that's not the way it is, is it? Something's we just have to learn over and over and over again. (Izzie rolls over and sees George in the bed with her, she lifts the blankets and realizes that she is naked.)

The race between the attending physicians for the Chief of Surgery position heats up after a new competitor enters the fray. They soon realize that the new surgeon, Colin Marlow, was Cristina's professor in medical school and they used to have a long-term relationship. When Burke finds out about it he realizes that his and Cristina's relationship is on the rocks. George finds out that Callie's family is rich, but she had previously hidden the fact in order to find out whether George loves her for who she really is, which eventually leads to an argument toward the pair. Webber, Callie, and Izzie treat a war veteran with a bullet in his back. Derek treats his former colleague from New York, but they argue over the best care as Derek wants to push a risky surgery, and his colleague doesn't want any more surgeries. Alex continues to work with Jane Doe, whose memory hasn't come back, and later he moves into George's old room. Meredith and Derek have dinner with her father and stepmother. Meredith starts to connect with Susan, but her relationship with Thatcher seems to be irreparable. Izzie wakes up, realizing that she slept with George while they were both drunk.

fd_Alias_03x03

fd_Alias_03x03_0

(Cut to Black. MOSCOW. Push through the M. A sunny day. Russian sounding piano plays over the sound in the scenes. People are playing dominoes. Cut to a wide angle shot of a park with a lake (supposedly Gorky Park). The spires of Red Square is in the near distance. A man and a woman sit on a blanket on the grass. People playing chess. Another man and woman are laughing and talking. Then suddenly, we hear a whooshing sound over take the piano. The man looks over his shoulder toward the sound. Other people turn and look up also. Cut to aerial view of the park as something that looks like a meteor shoots toward the ground. The man that was playing chess looks up. We see the fireball shooting downward reflected in his sunglasses. People get up and start fleeing. The "meteor" lands, a fireball erupts. Screen whites out from the brightness of the flames to: Black screen. LOS ANGELES. Push through the 1st E. Night skyline of LA at a short distance from the air. A Patsy Cline song (She's Got You) starts playing and continues in the background of the next two scenes. Cut to a hand pouring tequila in a shot glass. Cut to Weiss, drinking down a shot. Sydney giggles.) Weiss: That's good! (muffled) (Cut back to Sydney, drinking the shot she just poured.) Sydney: But the truth is... (Cut to Weiss, sucking on a lime) Weiss: You are insane! (Sydney giggles again. It appears that both she and Weiss are partially or completely drunk. They've had many shots, as evidenced by the ten or twelve used lime quarters on the glass coffee table.) Sydney (still giggling): Wait a minute...the truth is... Weiss: Oh, the truth is... (Weiss downs another shot) Sydney: The ever evasive truth... (Cut to a wider angle shot. Syd and Weiss are in her new living room, sitting on the floor in front of her coffee table, leaning up against her L shaped sofa. A mostly-empty large bottle of tequila is prominently displayed on the table.) Sydney: ...is that there are advantages to losing all your stuff in a fire. Weiss (sucking on a lime): How's that? (Sydney pours another drink.) Sydney: To dying and coming back to life... (Sydney starts to pour more tequila in Weiss's shot. He starts to protest.) Weiss: No, no, no...I'm good, I'm good... (Sydney keeps pouring.) Weiss: Okay, all right... a little one...just a... Sydney: Think about it... all the paper... (Cut to Weiss as she continues...then back to Sydney.) Sydney: Newspaper clippings from high school, yearbooks, and sweaters I was never gonna wear again, ever, and...pictures, and...(there is a definite change of tone when she says this, as if she's just realized...) picture frames... Weiss (not noticing Sydney's face as he says this): Yeah, but there's gotta be something that you had that...that it just kills you that you don't have anymore... (Sydney reacts. It's obvious what or, more correctly, who she's thinking about here. Weiss glances at her, realizing belatedly what she must be thinking about.) Weiss: I mean like a thing...like a thing, like... Sydney: I know what you mean... (sadly, then, she looks up and replies) I used to have a first edition Alice in Wonderland...my mother gave it to me for my 5th birthday... (Cut to and from Weiss as he listens.) Sydney: Despite my roller coaster relationship with her...wherever she is...that was one of the things I sort of loved... (Weiss sits for a moment, thinking about that, then grabs the tequila bottle, pouring another drink.) Weiss: Okay, this is it. The bar is closing...(he pours the rest of the bottle into his and Sydney's glass)...last drink. The...elephant in the room... Sydney (snickering): Which one? Weiss: Aw, come on...tomorrow...you and Vaughn...working together... Sydney: With Lauren... Weiss: With Vaughn's wife, yes. And, let me just...say for the record that I'm gonna be your friend in there, and if you need someone to talk to, or if you need someone, like, a shoulder to cry on...I just want to be there for you. (Sydney smiles, truly happy and touched.) Sydney: Oh, tomorrow's going to be fine. (They clink glasses. Weiss downs his. Sydney waits a beat, then" src="http://foreverdreaming.org/images/smilies/flash.gif"> Sydney: Hmmm... (under her breath) Damn it... (drinks her drink) (Weiss gets up, putting his hand on the top of Sydney's head as he climbs over her. It's obvious Sydney is now sad and thinking...) (Cut to a blurry hallway in the JTF. The screen focuses as it pans to show us Sydney, walking through the office. She's obviously looking around for Vaughn and Lauren. The camera watches a blond woman walking with a man from the back, but it's obvious to us it's not Vaughn, so we cut back to Sydney as she heads toward the briefing room. She rounds the corner... and there are Vaughn and Lauren. They notice her; she puts on a brave face and smiles back. (Song ends here) ) Vaughn: Hi. Sydney: Hi. Vaughn (he's tense...everyone is): You've met Lauren? Sydney: Yes. Lauren: Hi. Sydney: Hello, again. Lauren: Sorry again about yesterday. I should have said something... Sydney: No, it was my fault. You had no idea; I was the one that stormed in Lauren: Anyway Sydney: Sorry. (There is an uncomfortable silence growing between them. From behind Sydney we hear approaching footsteps. Sydney turns and it's Marshall.) Marshall: Syd. Sydney: Marshall Hi. Marshall: Uh, listen, I made you a, um, mixed CD of all of the most popular songs over the past few years. (Sydney looks over at Lauren with an embarrassed smile. We can see that the look on her face when she turns back to Marshall says she so wishes that Marshall wasn't doing this here in front of Lauren and Vaughn.)Not so you can listen to all the impossible boy bands they keeps churning out with except for J.T..Timberlake that guy can move (cut to Vaughn. He doesn't look amused) whatever But more importantly, because it's scientifically proven that sounds trigger the CA3 region of the Hippocampus in the, you know long-term memory. Sydney: Thank you. (Sydney uncomfortably fingers the CD case while Lauren and Vaughn also look tensely at Marshall. Marshall leans in toward them as if he's telling a secret and says with a singsong voice) Marshall: Awkward! Sydney: Marshall (shakes her head slightly, as if to say "Now is not a good time...") (Dixon and Weiss enter the conference room. Dixon's talking, signaling the start of the meeting.) Dixon: Earlier today, 4:47pm Moscow time, Russia's early warning system was activated. (Dixon crosses to his chair at the conference table and sits. Everyone else moves to sit also. Vaughn sits next to Lauren who sits next to Marshall on one side of the table; Sydney sits between Dixon and Weiss on the other.) Dixon: They assumed it was an incoming missile attack. It wasn't a missile. It was a satellite that had fallen from orbit. As a result of the perceived attack, the Russian president activated his nuclear briefcase, initiating a countdown to a prelaunch sequence. With two minutes to spare, they attained visual ID, and scrubbed the launch. Ten minutes later, Echelon picked up a call from a secure line between Sark and this man (cut to photo of a man in a military uniform that was appearing on their computer screens) Colonel Boris Oransky; dishonorably discharged in '96 from Russia's military space command. Since then, he's worked for a privately held French contractor. It was their satellite. Vaughn: Oransky brought down his own satellite? Do we have any idea why? Dixon: Not yet but on the phone call, he and Sark discussed meeting to move on to Phase Two'. We've tracked Sark to Mexico City. We've ordered a team of local agents to surveille him. Sydney: If we're gonna grab Sark, I'd like to be on that team. Dixon: It isn't our intention to grab Sark. (Sydney's eyes widen at this news. She can't believe it.) Lauren: The NSC believes we may learn more about the Covenant by tracking Sark's movement in the hope he'll lead us to the Covenant's key players. (Sydney is not thrilled with this plan and it shows on her face.) Sydney: That's fine in theory, except that I guarantee that within five minutes of that meeting, we will have lost Sark. It's happened before. Lauren: You know, within that last two years, our surveillance capabilities have become far more sophisticated. Sydney: I may have missed a lot in the last two years I mean, quite a bit but the fact that Sark is already aligned with an organization outwardly hostile to the United States, and apparently Russia indicates Lauren (starts to speak over Sydney): As I was going to explain to you, (Cut to Weiss, starting to look uncomfortable with the developments between Sydney and Lauren) our optical satellite resolution has increased dramatically. We have real-time face recognition Sydney (cutting Lauren off, starting to get angry.): All the technology in the world can't and won't fix our problem. It's the people we need to stop! (Cut to Vaughn, who looks really uncomfortable now) Sark, for example Now, I'm familiar with the strategy you're suggesting the CIA employed it against SD-6, and I saw that (Even Dixon is now looking uncomfortably between the two women.) Lauren (Cutting Sydney off, she's pretty heated now): The risks you are describing have already been factored into our analysis. And as for SD-6 the Alliance doesn't exist anymore Sydney (with an okay, that's it!' attitude): Well, the only reason that SD-6 and the Alliance broke down is because Arvin Sloane, a man the White House pardoned by the way, wanted them to! So, do me a favor, and don't revise history that I lived through! Vaughn: All right, enough! Sark was an inch away from initiating a nuclear exchange and that was only Phase One. Capturing Sark, while it might put a smile on my face, will do nothing to shut down the Covenant. (Sydney looks down, not happy, but quiet for the moment. Lauren also is quiet, assessing Sydney unhappily from across the table.) Dixon: For the moment, Sark remains free. Sydney, Weiss I want you to track Sark to that meeting with Oransky. (Vaughn and Lauren exchange a look) Standard surveillance operation let's see if we can get some info on their Phase Two . You leave in an hour. (Cut to Lauren stalking out of the conference room and around the corner into a hallway, Vaughn following close behind. It's obvious from the look on her face that Lauren is really riled up from her confrontation with Sydney.) Lauren: I hate her! Vaughn: Just remember, she's been through a lot. (Lauren turns and stops. Vaughn stops, facing her. Vaughn's defense of Sydney doesn't make Lauren any happier.) Lauren: I've been on eggshells for two weeks since Sydney came back: trying not to say the wrong thing, trying to imagine what it's like for her I am done! Vaughn: Lauren Lauren: Sydney Bristow is self-righteous and arrogant! Vaughn: She just lost two years of her life. Lauren: Was she any nicer two years ago!? Because she's the most condescending person I have ever met! Vaughn: I understand why you have a problem with her. Lauren: No she's the one with the problem! I'm not going to apologize because I remember the last 24 months, or because I'm married to the man that I love! Vaughn: You're reacting emotionally. Lauren: No, I'm reacting intelligently, as I expected Sydney to. She's been gone two years, you'd think she'd listen to someone instead of talking all over them! She's horrible! Vaughn (moving closer, taking hold of Lauren gently by both forearms): Okay, stop. (letting go) This was Sydney's first briefing. Give her a minute! I mean, the way things are, no one would blame you if the two of you hated each other But I actually believe that you'll end up respecting her you might even like her. (Lauren appears to be considering what Vaughn has said. Her anger has been diffused. Vaughn leans in and kisses her lightly on the mouth.) Vaughn: Just remember that I love you. (Lauren smiles.) (Cut to Sydney leaving the conference room down a different hallway. She's approached by Jack, who falls into step with her.) Jack: How was the first briefing with Lauren? Sydney (sarcastically): Wonderful. Jack: I'm not asking because I'm a fan of interoffice gossip; tell me how it went. (Sydney looks at Jack, worried, wondering where he's going with this.) Sydney: Why? Jack: Did she seem aggressive toward you? Sydney: Yes as I'm sure I did to her. What is this about? Jack: In here (bringing her into the flirting corner) Now that Lazarey's murder has been linked to the Covenant, the NSC has convened their own investigation into his death. Sydney: You don't think they know? Jack: That you're the murderer? Not yet. But they've just received some footage, apparently of the crime. Sydney: How? Jack: Another camera security, from across the street. And as our current bad luck would have it, the NSC's assigned this investigation to Vaughn's wife. Sydney: I know what you're thinking, but the longer we withhold this information from them, the more guilty I seem The NSC and the CIA are going to learn that I killed Lazarey Jack: And when they do, the NSC will not hesitate to subject you to every available procedure in order to capture your memory Sydney: So let them. Dad, I am losing my mind not knowing what happened to me, and if someone out there, someone has the answer Jack: The techniques that would be employed to stimulate your memory are invasive surgical, dangerous procedures that could leave you with permanent brain damage. That is not happening to you; not as long as I'm alive. Sydney, we've discussed this. You need to stay focused; you have to do your job. Reintegrating into the CIA is the only way you're going to get the answers you're looking for. I've already talked with Lauren; I told her I might be able to help the investigation. She's agreed to let me see the footage. You'll go to Mexico City; I'll do what I can to ensure this remains our secret. (Jack turns and walks off. Cut to black. Cut to credits. End of Act One.) (Flyover of LA by day. Cut to Marshall's gadget room. He's sitting in front of his workbench. He's just reached over and grabbed a coffee cup and drinks from it. Behind him, the door swishes open. The camera pans to it. It's Jack and Lauren.) Jack: Marshall any luck? Marshall: Uh, yeah, actually (he slides his rolling chair over to a computer terminal) And considering it's from a Russian security camera, you know I was expecting static, instead it's pretty good. (Cut to Lauren and then to the monitor. There is a view from the outside of the building into Lazarey's office. The video sharpness is grainy and poor. Blond Sydney has her back to the camera. They watch as Sydney attacks Lazarey from behind. Then, for a split second, Sydney's face is visible to the camera.) Lauren: Can you loop that? Marshall: Yeah. (He hits a key on the keyboard and the video replays. It gets to a certain point and then .) Lauren: Freeze there. (Marshall freezes the feed at the moment that Sydney's face is visible to the camera.) Lauren: Blow up that frame, please. (Marshall hones in on Sydney's face and enlarges it. Her face is just a large mass of enlarged pixels. She is not recognizable.) Lauren: Not enough to make a positive ID, is it? (Jack looks apprehensively at Lauren.) Marshall: Well, not like this. I'm not surprised that the Russians haven't made a match. Their imaging programs generate pixel interpretation using Bayesian analysis. (Jack gives a worried sideways glance at Marshall. Lauren smiles at what Marshall says and then looks back at Jack.) Lauren: Really Marshall (shaking head): Russians Jack: You can do better? (Jack delivers this as if it's a statement instead of a question.) Marshall: Me? Please I, uh, there's a lot of things I can't/I] do in life, you know, um smoking a cigarette, uh, playing basketball, I never oh, chin ups I could never, uh, you know there were always kids laughing at me but this? I was [i]born for this. Lauren: How long will it take you? Marshall: These Eigin values are a mess Give me 72 hours; I think I can ID this woman. (Close in on Jack. He looks very worried (for Jack).) Lauren: Good. Thank you. (Jack and Lauren walk away, leaving a pleased Marshall at his desk. Jack opens the door for Lauren, she walks through. He lets the door close behind him, and then looks back for a long moment, worried.) (Cut to black. MEXICO CITY. Push through the I in Mexico. A city street with a tan Econoline van. (They are using the same sort of yellow filtering technique on the camera as last week, but this has more orange tint in it.) Cut to the inside of the van. Weiss is sitting in front of the comms, typing on a computer. Sydney is sitting behind him, dressing in her costume: Pigtail braids on either side of her face, a colorful poncho and a cowboy hat like a female gaucho.) Sydney: I'm gonna kill Marshall. This is the worst disguise yet! (Weiss turns around to look at her.) Weiss: Oh! Viva la revolution! I'm serious look at that! (makes a face) (Sydney finishes her disguise by putting on the hat and adjusting the chin strap.) Weiss: Okay, uh (holding up the arm of a pair of sunglasses) This chip has a gig of memory in it, or as they say here, la memoria. That's enough memory to transmit full resolution photos. (He puts the arm of the sunglasses back together and hands them to Sydney to wear.) Sydney: What's this? Weiss: What? (Weiss turns toward Sydney and she takes his picture with the sunglasses.) Weiss: Oh, okay, that's bad that's double chin angle for me (gesturing with his fingers at his chin) Not good (Sydney blows on the glasses as if to clean the lenses.) Weiss: Audio's workin'. Syd, we're here for surveillance only nothing tricky. Sydney (sliding open van door): Here we go. (Sydney climbs out into the street and enters a marketplace. As she's walking by a set of tables, we see Sark, sitting at a table in a small restaurant in the market, in a grey button down dress shirt and sunglasses. Sydney: Sark's here. (Sark idly looks Sydney's way and she turns to keep her face out of sight. She looks over again. Sark is shaking the hand of a bald man. It's Oransky.) Sydney: Oransky just got here. (She walks, taking pictures as she goes. Cut to Weiss receiving photos.) Weiss: Retriever to base, I am uploading the photos (The photos appear on Marshall's computer. Dixon, Lauren, and Vaughn stand over him, looking. Cut back to the market. Our view changes as Sydney continues to circle Sark and Oransky. Oransky opens a briefcase and takes out some photographs and hands them to Sark.) Sydney: I need to move closer to get a look at those pictures. Weiss: Don't get too close. (Sydney continues to walk closer, snapping pictures as she goes. Cut back to JTF. Vaughn is staring at the screen. Lauren looks at him. Cut to Dixon.) Dixon: Be careful, Mountaineer. They most likely have backup. (A man with a scar down the side of his face stands at a counter near her smoking a cigarette and reading the newspaper. He pans to our right as Sydney walks past him to a revolving stand of sunglasses behind him. It's quite close to where Sark and Oransky are. She takes more pictures. She walks around to the front of the sunglasses display, idly turning to display, pretending to look at glasses.) Sark: Well, it appears they've revealed themselves. Oransky: As I told you they would. Codes are changed twice a week (he hands Sark a piece of paper. Sydney watches them from a mirror mounted on the sunglasses stand.) These go into effect the day after tomorrow. (Sark picks up two black and white aerial photographs.) Sark: This is our target, correct? Oransky: Correct. (Sydney snaps pictures of the photographs reflected in the mirror.) Sark: By the way, I like the name Medusa. It's clever. (Cut to Marshall, looking at the images Sydney just sent.) Marshall: The images are good, sir. Dixon: Okay, we've got it, Mountaineer. Now, get out of there! (Oransky removes his glasses, looking at Sydney.) Oransky: That woman was watching us (Oransky gestures toward the eyeglass stand, but she's no longer there. Cut to Sydney quickly sneaking off. She hides behind a counter and removes her hat.) Sydney: Retriever, I think I've been made. Weiss: Mountaineer, stay put. I'm comin' in. Dixon: Negative, Retriever. They've got your exits blocked; they'll see you on the way in. (Cut back to Dixon, Lauren and Vaughn. Vaughn's biting his thumb worriedly.) Sark: If she's CIA, we should be going. (Oransky puts an earpiece back in.) Oransky: She might have seen the photos. Sark (walking away with the briefcase): Then I suggest you make sure she didn't. (Cut to JTF. Vaughn picks up a spare headset from the counter and puts them on.) Vaughn: Mountaineer, there's a freight entrance at the back of the market, northeast corner. You should have a straight shot out. (Lauren watches Vaughn closely. Cut to Sydney, her gun drawn now, as she makes her way to the back of the market. Cut to Oransky. He grabs a young girl from her mother and wraps his arm around her neck. He waves off the girl's mother.) Oransky: Get away! Get away! Hey! Gringo in the poncho! Senorita in the poncho! You know who you are! Reveal yourself or the girl dies! (Mother and daughter are screaming. Sydney runs closer, hiding behind a display, trying to get a look at Oransky and his hostage.) Oransky: You've got five seconds! Four! (Cut to Sydney hiding and then to Weiss, listening on comms.) Oransky: Three! Two! (Sydney comes out, gun raised and pointed at Oransky.) Sydney: Let her go I'll let you walk out of here. (Two guards come up behind Sydney, guns trained on her.) Oransky: I'll be giving the orders, thank you very much. Drop the gun. (Oransky tilts the girl's head to the side, aiming the gun at her temple.) I said, drop it. (Cut to Lauren, her hands cupped to her face. She's clearly worried about the outcome of this situation. Vaughn breaks into action.) Vaughn: Marshall, pull up her photos. (Cut back to the marketplace scene. The mother and daughter are still both crying.) Oransky: Shut up! Sydney: Don't hurt her! Girl's mother (pleading to Sydney): Senora! Senora, por favor! (Sydney slowly lowers to one knee, placing her gun on the ground.Cut to Weiss in the van. Cut to Marshall's screen. A picture of Oransky taken moments before is there.) Vaughn: His earpiece is different that ours. Marshall, we need his RF signal now! (Marshall shoves away from the desk, his rolling chair zooms across to another computer.) Vaughn: Sydney, the mission in Thailand, Chai San Get ready I'll tell you when. (Lauren watches Vaughn closely, not sure what to make of this side of her husband. He pulls off his headset and walks over to where Marshall is.) Vaughn: Marshall, what frequency are those guys transmitting on? Retriever, patch us through to the RF scanner (Cut back to marketplace. We are focused on Sydney's gun on the ground.) Oransky: Kick it over. (Sydney does, her hands raised over her head. He picks up her gun and holds it in his other hand.) Oransky: Okay now your surveillance equipment. Give it to me. Sydney: Not until you let her go. Oransky: No! No! No! (Cut to Marshall.) Marshall: Got it. 418.5 megahertz. Vaughn: Can you boost a feedback loop? Marshall: How loud? (Cut to Dixon and Lauren.) Vaughn: 180 dbs. Marshall: Oh, yeah Vaughn: Do it. (Cut back to marketplace. Oransky forces the girl to sit on the ground. He aims the gun at the top of her head.) Oransky: Please stop trying to negotiate. (Cut to the other two thugs with Oransky. Both have guns trained on Sydney.) Sydney: The camera's in my glasses. Oransky: Give them to me.. Toss them to me. (Slowly, Sydney removes them from her face.) Oransky: Now! (Sydney tosses the glasses to him. They land on the ground in front of him.) Oransky: Good. (He steps on them, shattering them.) Oransky: We're gonna walk out of here You, me (Cut to JTF. Vaughn is still over Marshall's shoulder.) Vaughn: Almost there Oransky: and the girl Vaughn: Now! (Cut to Oransky as his face registers the blaring sound in his ears. Sydney looks around and sees the guards reacting also. She grabs the guy closest to her and punches him. Oransky has let go of the girl and she runs back to her mother. Sydney uses the gun still in the thugs hand and shoots Oransky in the leg. He starts to limp away. The second thug comes over and kicks at Sydney. She kicks him back, hits the first thug in the face, roundhouses the second thug, grabbing his gun and then turns on the first thug, shooting him. The girl and mother are off to the side hugging and crying. She turns back to look at the thug she roundhoused. He's still out.) Sydney: Oransky got away. (Cut to Weiss, taking off his earpiece and sighing in relief. Cut to Vaughn from behind, who does the same thing. Cut to Dixon and Lauren, both looking relieved. Vaughn looks over at Lauren, not sure how she'll take what he just did. She smiles at him. He smiles back, nodding his head.) (Cut to aerial view of LA at night. Cut to Weiss in Sydney's kitchen, making pizza dough.) Sydney: So, Sark was looking at a satellite photo with a three mile radius centered around the Kremlin. We don't know why. Weiss: Yeah, but we know it has something to do with Medusa, whatever that means. Sydney: When I was at SD-6, I think I heard Sloane mention something about a project called Medusa Weiss: You're kidding me? You know what it is? What Medusa even means? Sydney: No, all I know is the myth: a woman so ugly that if you looked at her, you'd turn to stone. Weiss: Sounds like the myth of my college girlfriend. She actually dumped me for a roadie at a Duran Duran concert. How embarrassing is that? (Sydney starts to look upset again. Weiss turns and looks at her.) Weiss: Oregano, please (Sydney turns and walks over to the other counter, but not before Weiss sees the look on her face.) Weiss: Syd, come on, don't do that You weren't dumped; you were dead! (Sydney turns back, but doesn't look up or speak right away. When she finally does, she has a sad, wistful look on her face.) Sydney: I haven't even asked anyone how they met Weiss: Are you asking me? (Sydney nods slightly, but she looks almost as if she doesn't really want to hear the answer.) Weiss: The NSC was wrapping up the case on your mom uh, we were all deposed Lauren was the one asking the questions. They hit it off. Sydney: Tell me about their wedding Weiss: It was fine Her parents' farm in Virginia You know, she's Senator Reed's daughter, so Sydney: No, I didn't. Weiss: Yeah. They have like, 900 acres it's pretty crazy. Sydney: Was everyone there? Dixon? Marshall? Weiss: Syd She's a good person. I'm not trying to rub it in, but...I I don't want to be dishonest. (Cut to helicopter flying over a tall glass building in downtown LA, daytime.) Marshall (Voiceover): I should've thought of it before I mean, come on, isn't it obvious? (Cut to Marshall and Jack in Marshall's techie room.) Marshall: A prior image model with 3D surface reconstruction. I don't know what I was thinking Jack: Have you made a positive identification or not? Marshall: Well, no, not yet. Now, this is where we started (the blurry pixel picture of Sydney's face appears on Marshall's computer screen) Okay, now after an application of my 3D reconstruction genius this is where we are now (the picture becomes much clearer, yet still not clear enough to identify anyone) (Lauren walks into the room.) Lauren: How's it going? Jack: Marshall's ahead of schedule. Lauren: When do you think you'll be finished? Marshall: Oh, I don't know, I'd say what maybe, uh, noon tomorrow? Lauren: Good. Thank you. (She walks toward the door.) Lauren: I'd like to feed the image into our face recognition database as soon as its complete. (She pulls open the door to Marshall's office and leaves. Close up on Jack's face as he looks at the clearer image of Sydney on Marshall's screen. Cut to black. End of Act Two.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Shot of LA, daytime, from helicopter, but not flying over the buildings. Cut to JTF conference room.) Dixon: Sydney was right. The Medusa project was flagged in the SD-6 database. It's an anti-satellite pulse weapon. (Dixon is handing out folders to each person at the table.) Once operational, it can cripple our network of satellites, DOD, NSA, you name it. We'd be blind to a potential attack. Marshall: You see, that's what's so genius about this weapon It beams a microwave at one satellite in the chain, which then relays a pulse across the entire network. Vaughn: You're talking about hundreds of satellites most with classified orbital rotations Lauren: How does this tie in with the Covenant? Dixon: The man Sark met with Weiss: Oransky. Dixon: He supervised the development of Medusa for the Russian military; only he was discharged before it was completed. He never knew where it ended up. Until now. (Cut to big screen and a blown up copy of one of the pictures Sydney took of the aerial view of Moscow. It zooms in on one part of the picture.) Dixon: This is the satellite photo Sark and Oransky were looking at. According to the time stamp, it was taken by a satellite exactly four minutes after Oransky sent that other satellite of his crashing into Gorky Park. Marshall (shaking his head, impressed): Hmmm. He sends one bird down so the other can photograph Russia's nuclear reaction protocol in action. (shakes head again) See, what happened was, they thought they were under attack, so among other things, they evacuated several high-level government officials to several continuity of government bunkers designed to survive a nuclear attack. (Cut to enlargement of aerial photo again.) Dixon: This is what Medusa photographed. (A small circle on the picture is lit up; the rest of the picture gets darker. In the circle, there appears to be five cars in a row.) See these motorcades entering the Science Ministry? There must be a bunker underneath. According to the SD-6 database, Medusa is stored in that bunker. Sydney: And now Oransky and Sark are planning to steal it. (Sydney appears to be staring right at Lauren when she says this, but we never get a reaction shot from Lauren to know for sure.) Weiss: Just a shot in the dark but, why don't we call the Kremlin and let them know what's up? Dixon: The Russians claim to oppose anti-satellite weapons. They're not about to admit having one. Bottom line we have to access the bunker and steal it before Sark gets it. I'll have Strategic Services list our options. Meet back here in one hour. (Cut to a clock shop. Clocks are everywhere. Jack is standing at the counter with Pierre Lagravanese, a computer expert who apparently specializes in creating viruses and worms.) Lagravanese: No problem; I can corrupt that image, but the terms of my parole prohibit me from using a computer. You should know that, Jack, I believe you wrote them (Jack takes a white envelope from inside his jacket and holds it out for Lagravanese. He opens it. There's a wad of cash inside. Lagravanese's eyebrows raise a little. Still looking at the money, he asks: ) Lagravanese: How's it rendered? Jack: 3D surface reconstruction. Lagravanese: Is the workstation part of a network? Jack: Yes. Lagravanese: Okay, well give me a few days I'll see what I can cook up. (Lagravanese sticks the envelope in his back pocket and starts to turn away.) Jack: I need it by noon, tomorrow. (Lagravanese turns back, looking a bit shocked.) Lagravanese: I have an IQ of 170, Jack I'm not David Copperfield. (Jack just stares at him with a withering look. Lagravense sobers.) Lagravenese: I'll do what I can. Sydney (voiceover): We have to do better than this. (Cut to the JTF conference room. Sydney is rounding the table to stand inside the half-circle it forms.) Sydney: An hour running scenarios and the best we can come up with is Sloane! (Cut to Vaughn, standing on the outside of the table at about 11 o'clock.) Vaughn: Well, through his cancer research, Sloane has developed a relationship with the Science Ministry. (Pan to Dixon and Lauren, also standing in the circle inside the table, at about 2 o'clock.) Lauren: If we can get into the Ministry, we can access the bunker and destroy Medusa before Sark and Oransky can steal it. Sydney: I don't want to be the voice of dissent every time I walk into this room. I know we're all qualified to make decisions here, but to me Sloane is still a criminal. Dixon: As we've discussed, Sloane is a necessary evil. Lauren: We need access to the bunker; Sloane can get it for us if we can use him, I don't see why we Sydney: Maybe you haven't been lucky enough to have first-hand experience with that psychopath Vaughn: She brokered his deal. (Sydney looks at Vaughn, shocked.) Sydney: What!? Lauren: I was part of the team that arranged for Sloane's pardon. Vaughn: Look, none of us are any illusions about Sloane. The only reason he was given a pardon is because he provided us with intel that led to the destruction of terrorist cells (Sydney is nodding her head, angry ) Sydney: Of course he did! He used you to wipe out his competition. Let me guess so far his intelligence has been accurate Lauren: Yes and the first slip he makes, his pardon will be revoked. (Sydney is still nodding her head, not believing they could be that trusting of this man she knows so well.) Dixon (to Lauren): When is your next scheduled briefing with Sloane? Sydney: You have regular meetings with him!? Dixon: Sydney (Dixon puts his hand out toward Sydney, asking her to stop.) Lauren: Twelve days. Dixon: All right. Move it up. See if Sloane can get us access to the Science Ministry. (turning toward Sydney and Vaughn) I want both of you to go in as well. If Sloane can help us infiltrate the bunker, I don't want to waste a minute Is that clear? (Sydney's still not thrilled, but she nods. Vaughn looks pretty unthrilled about the idea of a mission with Syd, but nods also. Dixon starts to walk out of the room. Cut to an opposite angle shot. In the background, we see Dixon leaving the conference room. In the foreground are Sydney, Lauren and Vaughn, literally standing in a triangle. Sydney is looking at Vaughn, Vaughn is looking at Dixon's retreating back, and Lauren is looking down.) (Cut to a small jet flying at night. Cut to Sydney, sitting alone on the plane. Sydney looks up as she realizes someone is standing next to the aisle seat (she's next to the window). It's Lauren.) Lauren: Do you mind? Sydney: Of course not. (Sydney moves a file folder off the seat next to her. Lauren sits. They sit for a second in silence, both looking very uncomfortable.) Lauren: This is a difficult situation for all of us. I thought I'm not sure how exactly, but I thought we should at least acknowledge that. (Sydney makes eye contact and then looks down. Lauren looks down also.) Lauren: No one would blame us if we hated each other but I hope that doesn't happen. Sydney (looks uncomfortable, trying to hold it together): I don't hate you or Vaughn. (Lauren gives Sydney a tiny smile.) Sydney: That's what makes it so difficult. (She sighs heavily, looking at her lap again.) (Sydney and Lauren look as if they are about to start a conversation when Vaughn comes up the aisle behind them.) Vaughn: We just got intel from NSA. They tracked Sark onto a plane from Berlin, headed to Frankfurt, only when it landed, he wasn't on board. (Both women react to this news. Sydney looks resigned; she knew this would happen. Lauren looks shocked, then worried.) Sydney: Which means, if Sloane doesn't help us today, Sark will get to Medusa before we do. Sloane (voiceover): I'm sorry. (Cut to Sloane sitting behind his desk in his office.) Sloane: I can't help you. (Cut to Sloane's point of view. Across the round conference table sit Sydney, Vaughn, Lauren.) Lauren: You work with the Science Ministry all the time. How difficult is it for you to add the names of two of your employees to the guest list of an awards banquet? Sloane: Actually, it's not difficult at all. It's what you plan to do once you're inside the Ministry that concerns me. Vaughn: We made it clear that topic is not open to discussion. Sloane: Pursuant to my pardon agreement, I am under obligation to pass along intel as appropriate. However, I am under no obligation to assist you, or anyone else, to break the law. Now, as you know, millions of people rely on relief that this company provides. I couldn't possibly endanger that by exposing Omnifam, or myself, to criminal charges.. Certainly not with my history Sydney: You've made your obligations clear; now let me clarify mine I am obliged to extract immeasurable pain from you the moment you are no longer a valuable source of intel for the CIA. Personally, I hope you don't help us out Sloane (a bit amused): I've missed you, Sydney. I really have. Well, it shouldn't be too difficult. I'll simply tell the Ministry that you're high-level donors and you're looking for a new investment. Lauren: You know where to contact us. I'll expect to hear from you within the hour. (She stands up.) Sloane: Mr. Vaughn You know, I remember how close you were with Sydney. (Sydney gives Sloane a really dirty look.) Sloane: I'm sure you share my relief in having her back (Lauren looks down. Sloane's remark has hit a nerve with Vaughn; it shows on his face, because his expression hardens.) Vaughn (nastily): Just get us on the list. (Vaughn shoves himself out of his chair and stalks out of the room, his hand on Lauren's back. Sydney looks disgusted with Sloane. She gets up and leaves. Cut back to a close up of Sloane's face. He looks supremely pleased with himself very Cheshire catlike as if he knows something he's not telling.) (Cut to black. End of Act Three.) (Black screen. MOSCOW. Push through the C. Scene of Red Square at night. Cut to Vaughn, dressed in a black tuxedo, looking in a full length mirror, trying to tie his bowtie and not being particularly successful. Pan away from Vaughn across the room to an approaching Lauren.) Vaughn (back still to her): Are we on the list? Lauren: Under the names Tomas Quintera and Sabina Milan, Omnifam investors. (Camera follows Lauren's progress toward Vaughn until we see her face reflected behind Vaughn's in the mirror, where he's still trying to tie his tie.) Vaughn: Got it. Lauren: Here. (She places a hand on his arm, signaling for him to turn around. He does, muttering under his breath in frustration at not being able to tie his tie.) Vaughn (under breath): Ugh. Geez (Lauren unties what he's done and starts fixing it. As she does, she smiles as if she has a memory.) Vaughn: What? (There's a hint of a laugh in his voice. He grins at her.) Lauren (also smiling, amused): I was just thinking of that party at the embassy in Prague (Vaughn laughs a little and looks down as if a bit embarrassed, then looks back up.) Vaughn: God, that was a good third date (Lauren is very amused now, having fun with the memory.) Lauren: Yeah, it was When you spilled your drink on the ambassador? Vaughn (still grinning): What was I supposed to do? He was staring down your dress all night long (Lauren finishes tying his tie. She tucks the collar tabs in behind it. As she does, Vaughn's look goes serious, as if he's realized all over again why he loves her. She gives him a little nervous smile.) Lauren: Look how handsome you are (Vaughn gets that soft I love you so much' look on his face and puts a hand on the side of Lauren's cheek, staring at her for a long moment before sliding his hand down to her arm. Cut to a wider angle shot. Lauren is fiddling with his suit jacket. He's still staring down at her. Behind them, across the room, Sydney moves into view in the gap between them. Cut to a close up of Sydney. Her hair is up with soft spiraling tendrils draping near her face. Her dress is a Grecian-inspired dress, deep red, thin spaghetti straps. She wears a small red bead necklace with a large golden pendant draping from it, and dangling earrings. She's stunningly beautiful.) Sydney: Ready. (Cut to Vaughn and Lauren. Lauren acknowledges Sydney's presence and then looks back at Vaughn's chest, not meeting anyone's eyes. Vaughn stares at Sydney.) Lauren (to Vaughn): Be safe. (Vaughn looks back at Lauren when she speaks to him. There is a touch of sadness and apology in his eyes.) Vaughn: You too. (Lauren and Vaughn lean in for a small kiss. Sydney is smiling at them, but when they kiss, she looks down as if she can't watch. Cut to a closeup of Lauren and Vaughn as they disengage from the kiss and again we see Sydney between them in the gap. Lauren looks a little self-conscious.) Lauren (appears to be addressing both of them): Dixon's expecting a call from me. I'll see you in Los Angeles. (She nods to Sydney and walks past her out of the room. Sydney smiles uncomfortably back at her. When she's gone, she raises her eyes to Vaughn's. They both look nervous about the prospect of being alone together, but neither can stop looking at the other. Vaughn walks toward Sydney and she turns to fall into step with him. Vaughn puts up his hand as if he is going to place it on her back to steer her, but doesn't actually touch her. He stops part way and drops his hand as if realizing halfway through the gesture that he doesn't have the right to touch her that way anymore.) (Cut to Pierre Lagravanese in his clock shop, holding up a CD in a clear plastic case.) Lagravanese: It's a polymorphic worm. (Cut to different, wider angle to reveal Jack standing on the other side of the counter.) Lagravenese: Upload it onto the network; it singles out the files you're interested in and corrupts the data so the image can't be fully rendered. (pause) I know, you can kiss me. Jack: How long will that take? Lagravanese: I can't say it depends on the size of the network. (Jack, looking frustrated and impatient, turns to leave.) Lagravanese: Jack (Jack turns back to look at him.) Lagravanese: There is one catch. When you make the upload, it has to be at a terminal with administrative privileges. (Jack nods once and leaves.) (Cut to an overhead shot of the party at the Science Ministry. Cut to a woman playing the cello. Pan upward to the back of a receiving line. Sydney and Vaughn, arm in arm, pass by a woman in a black evening gown and a man in dress military uniform. They stop in front of two men, both in tuxedos, wearing red sashes and medals around their necks.) Man: Minister, Tomas Quintera and Sabina Milan. Vaughn (in Russian): Arvin Sloane sends his regards. Minister (in Russian): Mr. Sloane is an amazing man. And a great friend of science. Welcome. (Vaughn smiles and then nods toward Sydney. She wears her most engaging smile and puts out her hand to shake with the Minister.) Sydney (in Russian): Good evening. Minister (in Russian, off screen): Good evening. (Sydney places her other hand over their clasped hands, squeezing them together for a moment before letting go. Vaughn takes her arm and they walk away.) Sydney (sarcastically, unbelieving): Arvin Sloane is an amazing man'!? Vaughn (a note of warning in his voice): Sydney (They stop walking near an exit to a hallway, and turn towards each other.) Vaughn (aside to Sydney): The guards are about to change shifts; we have about a minute left. (While Vaughn is looking away, Sydney looks at him, then straightens her shoulder and sighs, as if telling herself Come on, Sydney you can do this ' She sees a waiter holding a tray of champagne glasses and starts to walk toward it. As she's walking, Vaughn turns his head to watch her. Sydney approaches the waiter, obviously speaking to him, but we don't hear what she's saying. Vaughn turns to watch for the guards, then turns back and finds himself staring at Sydney. She's just procured two glasses of champagne, giving the waiter a brilliant smile. As the waiter walks off, she looks up, meeting Vaughn's eyes. He's staring at her as if he can't take his eyes off her. Sydney's face mirrors this. A slow smile spreads across her face, touching her eyes. This is a real smile, just for him. He's still staring back, their gaze unbroken. A smile starts to grow on his face as well. For a moment, it seems as if time has slipped away for them and nothing has changed. Vaughn rocks on the balls of his feet just slightly as he continues to stare. Sydney approaches him, their eyes still locked on each other. She holds out one of the glasses, he takes it. The attraction and sexual tension between them is thick and palpable. Vaughn takes the glass and then looks down, as if just realizing what he was doing and feels guilty about it. Sydney senses the change in him, her face hardens slightly. Their eyes meet again, resignation on both their faces. Vaughn looks away, checking for the guards again. He's definitely uncomfortable being this close to Sydney at the moment. Sydney takes a drink from her champagne glass, looking off over Vaughn's shoulder. Their body language practically screams denial.) Vaughn (looking back at Sydney, back in the game): The guards are gone. (Sydney immediately goes into spy mode.) Sydney: Let's do it. (Vaughn hands Sydney his glass; she takes it. He reaches into an interior pocket in his jacket, pulling out a small object. He looks back toward the room to see if anyone is watching them and then casually slips around the corner. Sydney stands semi-blocking his view, holding both glasses and drinking a sip from one. With a last glance over his shoulder, Vaughn bends down and plugs the small device into an electrical outlet and activates it. Lights blink on it as he steps back around the corner. He just reaches Sydney's side when the lights flicker, go out and then come back on. Sydney and Vaughn are gone. Cut to Vaughn and Sydney striding down a hallway. As they approach an elevator, Sydney starts peeling a thin layer of latex from her hand.) Sydney: I've got the minister's prints (she examines the latex, holding it up to the light) The thumb's the clearest. (Vaughn removes a cufflink, which has a cutting device on it. He cuts the print from the piece of latex. He places the latex piece over his own thumb and uses it on the recognition pad by the elevator. It recognizes the fingerprint and the elevator doors slide open.) Vaughn (gesturing in a gentlemanly fashion): After you. (Sydney and then Vaughn enter the elevator. Vaughn heaves a sigh of relief as the doors close on them.) (Cut to Jack, entering the JTF rotunda area, carrying a folder. He notices Dixon standing over Marshall's computer with Marshall in his gadget office. Cut to inside the office.) Marshall: The NSC's on a real time hookup, so whatever we see, Lindsay sees. Dixon: And the face recognition database? Marshall: Ready to kick in As soon as I get the image rendered, we're ready to roll. (Dixon nods, waiting. Cut back to Jack, striding toward Dixon's office. As he approaches the office, Dixon's assistant exits, meeting Jack in the hallway.) Assistant: Mr. Bristow What can I do for you? Jack: Is Director Dixon in? Assistant: No he's over with Marshall. Is there something I can help you with? Jack: No, thanks. I'll just drop these off on his desk (gesturing with the file folders). Assistant: Okay. (She walks away.) (Jack pushes open the door to Dixon's office and walks inside.) (Cut to Sydney and Vaughn in the elevator. Vaughn is ripping open a vacuum-sealed bag. Sydney is shaking the wrinkles out of a military jacket. She gets ready to undo her dress to change. Vaughn stares at her. With a pained expression, Sydney turns her back to Vaughn and unzips her dress. Vaughn continues to stare until he hears her zipper, which somehow spurs him into action. He turns his back to her, removing his tuxedo jacket. Sydney peeks over her shoulder at him. Vaughn yanks off his shirt, pulling it off his arms. A bare-backed Sydney peeks over her shoulder at him once more and then we cut to ) (Dixon's desk. Jack lays the file folder on the desk and extracts the disk case from it. He removes the disk and puts it in the CD-ROM of Dixon's computer. Jack begins installing the worm.) (Cut to Sydney and Vaughn walking down a hallway, both dressed in Russian military gear. They pass random soldiers and guards. No one looks twice at them. They reach the end of the hallway that is now deserted. Sydney opens a metal box on the wall and pulls open the access panel. Vaughn starts attaching clamps to wires in the box.) Vaughn: Okay, lets see how many guards are on the floor. (Sydney looks back over her shoulder to make sure they're still alone.) Vaughn: We're almost into their video surveillance feed. (Vaughn looks at the small screen on his device, frowning.) Sydney: What? (Vaughn shows her the screen. Cut to the screen.) Vaughn: These are the cameras for the control room level (As Vaughn pans through the cameras, all the guards they see are unconscious/dead.) Sydney: Sark must already be here. (Vaughn nods, still flipping through cameras. With the next view, we see a gunman shooting the guards, followed by Sark and Oransky. Sark shoots the last guard himself.) Sydney: Oh God He's with Oransky. (Vaughn quickly disengages their security feed and Sydney puts the panel back together and shuts the door. Vaughn wraps the cord around the screen and shoves it back into his pocket and starts to walk down the hallway.) Vaughn: Come on. Sydney: Wait a minute we have no idea how many men Sark brought with him. Vaughn: Yeah and he doesn't know we're coming (They walk to another elevator and push the button. It dings and the door opens. A lone guard stands in the elevator, holding a machine gun. It's one of the thugs from the Mexico City op that Sydney fought with. She and Vaughn, grimfaced, enter the car on either side of him.) Vaughn (to guard in Russian): Good evening. Guard (in Russian): Good evening. (As the doors close, the guard takes a sideways glance at Sydney as if perhaps he just realizes that he recognizes her. She tries her best not to look at him, as if she doesn't notice his staring. Cut to black. End of Act Four.) (Panning shot of LA by day. Cut to close up of Dixon's computer screen and the worm installing. A running tally of percent installed runs in the bottom 15% complete and counting. Cut to Jack watching the progress. Cut to Marshall.) Marshall: The program will be ready to render in a minute. Uh I was curious Lindsay briefs the President, right? Dixon: Mmmhmm. Marshall: You think maybe you know, assuming this all goes well that he could, uh, request one of those White House tie clips for me? (Dixon gives Marshall a droll, yet slightly amused look.) Marshall: Or uh, peanuts from Air Force One because I love peanuts and you figure they'd get top quality being as you're um the President. Oh, here we go. (Cut to view of computer screen with Sydney's blurry face on it. The program zooms in on her face and brings up a blank grid.) (Cut to an automatic screwdriver removing a screw. Cut to Oransky, removing the screw from a terminal he's sitting in front of. He removes a panel to reveal a Plexiglas plate, and a device beneath it. He begins to remove the Plexiglas.) Sark (voice over as the scene pans across the control room and then cuts out the window overlooking the rest of the level): Until Mr. Oransky gets the Medusa core, no one enters the control room and this entire level should be locked down. (Cut to Sark, speaking to a guard.) Sark: I need you to secure all the access points with (Sark stops talking and looks toward the elevator bay as the bell dings, signaling the arrival of the elevator car. As the door opens, we see the thug from Mexico City. His body slides down the wall of the car. The guard pushes Sark out of the way as Sydney and Vaughn erupt from the car, shooting. Sark flees to the steps leading to the control room as Sydney shoots at him. Vaughn has the guard's machine gun and is firing at the guards, taking one down. Sydney takes down another with her handgun. Vaughn turns and fires in another direction.) (Cut to Jack, still watching the progress of the installation, which is now 30% complete. Cut to Marshall's computer screen as the picture of Sydney slowly begins to render, a random grid square at a time. Marshall smiles and grabs a plastic jar off his desk, opening the lid and offering it to Dixon.) Marshall: Oh, uh, gummybear? (Dixon shakes his head, not taking his eyes off the computer screen. Marshall reaches his hand in the jar, pulling out a gummybear and eating it. Cut back to closeup of Jack's tense face, watching the installation. It's almost 50 % complete. Jack looks up tensely as he hears the door to Dixon's office open.) Assistant (voiceover): Find everything you need? (Cut to Assistant, leaning just inside the door. Cut to Jack, holding up a pen, an innocent expression on his face.) Jack: Yes, thanks. I'm just leaving him a note. (He smiles at her.) (The assistant studies him for a moment and then leaves. Jack looks after her, wondering if she believed him.) (Cut to Sark entering the control room. Oransky is still at work trying to remove the Medusa core. Sark walks over to the window. Cut to him standing in the window, visible from below. Cut to Vaughn and Sydney sneaking along below. Cut back to Sark as he turns on the PA system.) Sark: I was wondering if you might show up. I looked for you upstairs at the party. (Sydney takes aim at Sark and fires two rounds at him, but the bullets glance away harmlessly from the bulletproof glass. Sark looks almost as if he enjoyed her response'.) Sark: I've taken the liberty of discontinuing the elevator service. (Sydney glances over at the elevator bank as we hear it being locked down. Sydney grimaces.) Sark: And unfortunately, Mr. Oransky, Medusa, and myself won't be here when the guards arrive, but I'm certain when they discover you, the Russians will be more than hospitable hosts (Sydney gives Sark one of her **** you and the horse you rode in on' looks and turns away.) (Cut to Dixon's computer screen. The program is now 73% installed. Jack waits. Cut to Marshall, putting away his gummy bears, watching his rendering program as little blocks of image continue to appear on the screen.) Marshall: I think we got it. (Cut to Vaughn and Sydney running through the lower level.) Vaughn: There's no way we can steal Medusa. Sydney: We can't let Sark get it, either. We'll have to destroy it . (They stop running. Both are panting, out of breath.) Sydney: We could still rig the generator to blow. (Vaughn looks around.) Vaughn: We do that, this whole sublevel's going with it, we won't have a way out. (Then he points with the rifle up a metal rung ladder to another platform.) Vaughn: That could be an intake vent. We could crawl inside and get out. We might not make it (Vaughn's still panting, out of breath, looking worried. Sydney leans toward him.) Sydney (comforting, hopeful): We might make it. (They look at each other. He nods almost imperceptively. A wave of determination passes between them.) Sydney: I'll activate the transfer switch. (Both of them put their guns down. Sydney turns a valve while Vaughn opens a door to an electrical box next to it. Cut to Oransky, pulling off one of the pieces holding the Plexiglass keeping Medusa in place.) Oransky: We'll have the Medusa core in 30 seconds (Pan to Sark as he looks at a control panel on the opposite wall, studying the readouts. Cut back to Sydney and Vaughn as they short out the electrical box, overloading the system. Cut to Oransky as he pulls his hands away from his work, as if he got a shock. The lights in the control room flicker. He shoves away from his chair over to the wall where Sark is standing and begins checking the readouts.) Sark: What the hell was that!? (Oransky pushes buttons on the control panel, still holding his walking stick.) Oransky: That generator powers the contol system they've overloaded the voltage Medusa is fried. (Cut to Sydney and Vaughn running across a catwalk to the intake vent. Cut to Sark, cocking his pistol.) Sark: We have to go. (He walks to the control room door. Oransky reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a pistol, also cocking it.) Oransky: No way. This bitch shot me in my leg (Oransky heads back out of the control room in the other direction, toward the sublevel floor. Sark continues to leave in his direction to escape.) (Cut to Dixon's computer screen. The worm is now 83% installed. Cut to Jack looking tense. Cut to Dixon watching as the image slowly renders. Cut to the screen. The photo continues to render. Cut to Dixon's computer. 95% 96% 97% Cut to Jack, watching with apprehension. Cut back to rendering picture. One more grid fills in and then the computer beeps and the message Render Complete. appears. The photo has just about all of the blond hair rendered, along with Sydney's forehead and one eye. The rest of the face is not there at all, just black grids. Marshall's computer continues to beep. Shock registers on Marshall's face, and he starts typing on the keyboard, as if trying to get the image to continue rendering. Cut to Dixon.) Dixon: What's happening? Marshall: I'm not sure Dixon: It's not rendering Marshall (can't believe it): According to the program this is as good as it gets sir. (Marshall looks up at Dixon, surprised and shocked.) (Cut to control room panel in Russia, showing power output reaching toward 200%. Sparks start to fly in the sublevel. Cut to Sydney and Vaughn (Sydney in front) crawling through the access vent as smoke fills in behind them. Cut to Oransky, hobbling through the sublevel, looking in vain for Sydney. As the generator starts sparking, he's yelling her name in anger.) Oransky: Sydney Bristow! (Cut back to Syd and Vaughn crawling as fast as they can through the access vent. Cut back to Oransky in the smoky sublevel.) Oransky: Sydney! Sydney Bristow! (Just then, the generator explodes. A fireball starts shooting up the vent. We see it growing behind Sydney and Vaughn. They're close to the exit. The fireball races at them. From the outside, we see the access vent cover fall off and Sydney, then Vaughn jump out, down about a height of two flights a split second before the fireball rages out the opening. They land on the ground hard as the light flashes above them.) (Cut to Jack entering Marshall's office.) Jack: Anything yet? Dixon (seriously not happy at the moment): Not what we hoped. Marshall: On the picture side not on the technical side the picture's not in focus Jack (cutting Marshall off): So, no positive identification of Lazarey's killer? Dixon: Unfortunately, no. (Dixon walks out.) Jack: Too bad. (to Marshall) We'll keep looking. (Cut to Marshall. He can't believe his program didn't work He runs his hands over his face, not able to believe it.) (Cut to Vaughn and Sydney, just sitting up after their jump. They look at each other, as if assessing if the other is all right. Something passes between them, not sexual, but more a realization that they saved one another's life they survived and now they have to go back to their lives as they are. They get

Sydney and Vaughn are reunited again as a team to prevent Sark from destroying the nation's satellite communications system. Meanwhile, Jack Bristow must find a way to stop Marshall from uncovering the identity of a familiar murderer. Sydney accompanies Vaughn and Lauren as they meet with Sloane to ask for a favor.

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Act One. PROLOGUE [Kelsey Grammer introduces a few clips from "Back Talk," the first part of this special two-parter.] Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. It's Christmas Week in Seattle. Not only is the Space Needle supporting fairy lights, but the apartment is also adorned with stylish Christmas decorations. Martin is at work on a little toy Santa when Frasier enters. Frasier: Oh, Good Lord, Dad. You've been tinkering with that thing for hours. Don't you think that maybe "Dancing Santa" could sit this Christmas out? Martin: Oh, I've got to get it ready for your big party tomorrow night. The doorbell sounds. Frasier crosses to the door. Frasier: Oh, no need, Dad. There will be plenty of things to delight my guests. We'll be caroling and playing games. Oh, and I'll be reading "A Child's Christmas in Wales" to bring the evening to a close. Martin: [to himself] That should do it! Frasier opens the door to Roz, wrapped up for winter. She is carrying an extravagant silver punch bowl. Roz: Hey, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, hello, Roz. Roz: Hey, Martin. Martin: Hello, Roz. Roz: I can't stay, I just stopped by to drop off your punch bowl. Frasier: Well, thank you, Roz. Say, what kind of punch did you serve? Roz: Well, first I filled it with ice. Then I just poured orange juice and vodka over it. Frasier: Well, Roz, that's just a giant screwdriver! Roz: Yeah, so? What am I, Martha Stewart? Frasier: Fine! Thanks anyway, I'm really going to be needing this bowl tomorrow evening. There's going to be a crowd of guests. I've invited the entire building - including Cam Winston. Martin: Oh! Frasier: In the spirit of Christmas I've decided to put an end to our feud. Roz: What are you feuding about? Martin: Oh, he parks his SUV right next to Frasier's Beemer! Frasier: Yes well, that car is grotesquely oversized. I've often been forced to exit from the passenger's side. Many a time, I've been brought to grief on my gear shift! [exits to kitchen] Roz: Why doesn't he just back in? Martin: Are you kidding? He can barely hit that space even when the guy's car isn't there! Roz smiles and heads to the door. Daphne appears from her room. Daphne: Hi, Roz. Roz: Hey, Daphne. [calls] Bye, guys! [they ad-lib goodbyes] Daphne: You leaving? Roz: Yeah. Daphne: Actually, there's something I'd like to talk to you about. Daphne takes Roz out into the hall and closes the door behind her. Roz: What is it? Daphne: The other day I found out something about Dr. Crane I wasn't supposed to know. Roz: [excited] Frasier? Daphne: No, his brother. Apparently, he's had a crush on me for years. Roz: [exhales] Thank God! Daphne: What do you mean, "Thank God?" Roz: I've been afraid for months I'd be the one to blow the secret. Daphne: You mean you knew? Roz: Well, everybody kinda did. Daphne: And nobody said anything? Roz: Well, if Niles wasn't ready to say anything, it wasn't our place to do it. Well, who spilt the beans? It was Frasier, wasn't it? Daphne: Yeah, but he doesn't know he told me. Roz: He doesn't? Daphne: Well, he was on those painkillers for his back and, well, I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane, he's so close to Dr. Crane, if I told him he might tell Dr. Crane and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed. Roz: Yeah, why confuse things? Daphne: The whole thing's just a bit awkward. Roz: I don't see why. Niles has a girlfriend now, so obviously he's gotten over you, and you're engaged to Donny. Daphne: I suppose when you look at it like that there's really no reason to feel awkward. The elevator doors then open to reveal Niles who steps into the corridor with some books. Daphne becomes very nervous and looks away from him. Niles: Well, there's a Christmas tableau: "Naughty & Nice." Roz fakes a smile and steps onto the elevator. Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane. Niles: Hello, Daphne. Daphne: I'd see you inside but... I just have to... [excuses] Take out the garbage! [Niles looks confused] It's in my pocket. Daphne rushes onto the elevator with Roz as Niles enters the apartment and greets his brother and father. Niles: Frasier, I brought those caroling books you asked for. Frasier: [takes them] Thank you so much. Yes, here we are. "The First Songs From A Victorian Christmas" and "Elizabethan Tidings of Joy." Now we're ready to party! Niles, what do you think? Should we start with the caroling or should we hold off until we've played a spirited game of "The Minister's Cat?" Niles: Start with the game, then the caroling, then perhaps the guests will be ready for another game. Martin: Yeah, Russian Roulette! Niles: [looks at watch] So, I'm off. Frasier: Oh, Niles, if you're not busy this evening, perhaps you could help me string popcorn garlands. Niles: Ah, unfortunately, I have to see Maris tonight. Martin: Maris?! What the hell do you have to see her for? Niles: Sadly, to pay my condolences. It seems our old gardener has passed away unexpectedly. Frasier: Oh, not Yoshi. Gosh, that's too bad. Niles: He had a heart attack when he was out trimming Maris's elaborate hedge maze. The paramedics never had a chance. Martin: Well, I feel bad about Yoshi, but are you sure it's a good idea spending the evening with Maris? Niles: Well, she's terribly upset. Maris and Yoshi were very close. In fact I remember he once made a topiary likeness of her and wept without shame when it developed root rot. Well, the problem is, I had to cancel on Mel tonight. Frasier: Oh, really? Well, Niles, if you want my advice, I wouldn't mention Maris to Mel. Niles: What? Frasier: The last thing a new girlfriend wants to hear is that you're consoling your ex-wife. Niles: Well, I hate to lie to Mel. Though I do see your point, Frasier. Martin: Ha-hey! There he goes! The "Dancing Santa" springs to life, to Martin's joy. It begins wiggling its hips from side to side, dancing to music. Niles and Frasier are horrified. Niles: [putting on a joyful facade] Dad! Santa's back! Martin: Yeah! It's the darndest thing, every year when I take him out of the box, something's wrong with it. But I always manage to fix him again. Niles: Good for you, Dad. [to Frasier, sotto voce] I told you to dunk it underwater. Frasier: I did! Niles exits as Frasier looks concerned at the grotesque figurine. [SCENE_BREAK] ANYONE FOR A HOT BUTTERED MARGARITA? Scene Two - KACL Foyer It is the office Christmas party. The foyer is decorated for Christmas, Mexican style. Even the food has the taste of Mexico. Frasier is nibbling as Kenny approaches. Kenny: Hey Doc. Merry Christmas. Frasier: Hi, Kenny. My, the station has certainly outdone itself this year with the Christmas in Mexico theme. Kenny: It was my idea. It hit me when I realized their sauces are red and green. Frasier: [laughs] Well, that's why you're the boss. Kenny drifts off as Roz approaches him. Roz: Hey, Frasier, what time's your party tonight? Frasier: [quiets her] Please keep your voice down, you're the only one from the station I've invited. Roz: The only one?! Frasier: Yes, but don't worry, there'll be scads of people, because I invited everyone in my building. Seven o'clock! Roz goes off to mingle as Gil arrives with some macho gingerbread men. Frasier: Oh, Gil, Merry Christmas. Gil: And to you, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, thank you. Gil: I hope you've saved room for dessert. Frasier: Have you been baking? Gil: I have! Gingerbread men. Frasier: Oh my, [looks] don't they look... muscular! Gil: Yes well, my wife and I made a New Year's Resolution; Deb and I have joined a gym to slim down and buff up. We needed these to inspire us. Frasier: Ah yes, there's nothing to strengthen a dieter's resolve like a good motivational pastry. Gil: Precisely. The problem is they're so delicious, I've already had three. [picks one up] This is my last little man, I promise. [starts to eat him] Oh, Gil, who are you kidding? [wanders off] Frasier: [aside] No one, Gil. Then Mel, Niles's girlfriend, approaches him. Mel: Frasier. Frasier: Mel. Mel: Hello. Frasier: Well, gosh, I never expected to see you here. Mel: Oh, well, I was one of the doctors on "Health Chat" during cosmetic surgery week. I did a segment on breast augmentation. Frasier: Ah, how uplifting! [laughs but Mel doesn't find it funny] Mel: Yes well, Niles is hanging up our coats. So did you two have a good dinner last night? Frasier: Oh, no, no, actually we didn't have dinner last night, I was too busy planning my party. But please don't mention it to any of my colleagues, they're not invited... However, when Frasier turns around Mel has disappeared to find Niles. Frasier: Mel? Niles: [arrives] Frasier, Frasier, glad I saw you. About last night, if Mel should ask... Frasier: Oh, dear. Niles: Oh, no. Frasier: Oh, yes. Niles: And you...? Frasier: I'm afraid so. Niles: Damn you! Well, you're the one who told me to lie to her and now you fail to back me up! Niles hits him on the shoulder - well, "hit" being used loosely - and then goes to find Mel. Frasier: [shouts after him] Well, I'm a little preoccupied, I'm having a party tonight for two hundred people! Kenny is walking past and hears this. He looks upset and Frasier looks guilty. Kenny: Well, I won't lie to you, Doc. This hurts! Meanwhile, Niles tries to reason with Mel, who has already put on her coat to leave. Niles: Mel, Mel, darling, please, quick, quick come here, sweetheart. Mel: Niles- Niles: I know you're upset, darling, but... Mel: Please, we're at a party. Niles: All right, you're right, we'll talk about it later. Mel: No, we'll talk about it now. Just put on your party face. They both put on permanent grins. Mel: Don't embarrass me - as if I could be further embarrassed after you lied to me. Niles: I can explain. Mel: No, no, no, you don't need to. When a man lies about where he's been, it's not hard to guess the reason. So what's the little whore's name? Niles: [laughs to cover] No, no, darling. The reason I told you that I was dining with Frasier was actually, I was out... Mel: Yes? Niles: Getting your Christmas present. Mel: [covers her mouth with embarrassment and happiness] My present! Oh, darling, I'm so sorry. I should have known. Niles: I'm so glad you're forgiving me. Or is that your party face? Mel: No, of course not. [kisses him] Why don't you hang my coat back up and I'll get us something to drink? Niles: Of course. Niles does as Mel wanders over to Frasier at the punch bowl and pours a drink. Frasier: Oh, Mel, this is awkward. Mel: Oh, no, no, no, Frasier. Niles explained everything and while I don't like being lied to, I do appreciate why he did it. Niles: [runs over, worried] Ooh, hello! Hello, chatting, are we? Frasier: Well, actually I was just apologizing for my part in your little misunderstanding. Niles: Well, then of course you were discussing the present. Frasier: Oh, yes, the present. [lifts glass] And the future, Maris is all in the past! Mel: [sharply] Maris? Frasier: Oh, dear. Mel: You were with Maris last night? Niles: Well... Mel: How dare you?! [leaves to coat stand] Niles: [to Frasier] Anything else in the box, Pandora? Niles tries to again to win back Mel. Roz is standing just behind them. Niles: Mel, please. Mel: Don't touch me, no. Niles: Party face, party face. Mel: Forget the party face. You're obviously still in love with you and I'm not about to share you. Goodbye. [exits] Frasier: Niles, Niles, I'm so sorry. Niles: Frasier, don't pretend to be sorry. All you care about is your precious party that you're hosting tonight! Niles exits as the room falls silent and everyone else looks at Frasier, upset that they're not invited. Frasier slowly inches out of the foyer. End of Act One. Act Two. Come 'A Wassailing To Frasier Crane's Holiday Fest Elliot Bay Towers #1901 Regrets Only Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is pouring out some punch as Daphne and Donny fool around on the piano. Donny is playing a simple, one fingered version of "Jingle Bells." Donny: Don't be nervous, honey. They are building up to Daphne's bit... Donny: Bring it home, Daphne! Which is a chord as a finale. Donny: Daphne Moon, everybody! We'll take your requests. Martin: [entering from kitchen] How about a little "Silent Night"? Martin begins to start on the appetizers. Frasier: Oh, stop that! Martin: What? Frasier: Those are for the party. Martin: [looks around] In case you haven't noticed: I am the party. Donny: Didn't the invitation say it was for seven o'clock? Daphne: I hope people knew it was for tonight. Frasier: Stop worrying, they'll be here. They're probably just fashionably late. People do love to make an entrance, you know. The doorbell sounds. Frasier: A-ha! Daphne, open the floodgates! However, when Daphne opens the door, there stands just one very miserable Niles with a bag of Christmas presents. Niles: Hello. Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane. Isn't Mel with you? Niles: No, she won't be coming. We broke up. Daphne: [anxious] What? Niles: Yup, this afternoon. Daphne: Goodness, I'm so sorry. Frasier: Did you try to call her, Niles? Niles: I left a dozen messages. Donny: Oh, no, I'm so sorry. How long were you guys together? Niles: Oh, no that long. Still, I was optimistic. Donny: Did you talk about moving in together? Make any long term plans? Niles: This is really bringing out the lawyer in you, isn't it? [laughs] Donny: The bartender, actually. I was just wondering how big a drink to make you. Niles: Ah, big! Scotch. Donny, Niles and Daphne go to the drinks table. Donny pours him a nice glassful as Frasier exits. Donny: Don't worry, Niles. We'll fix you up with somebody. Niles: Oh, thanks Donny, I don't think this is a time for me to be meeting someone new. Donny: Someone old, then. You know, an old flame, an ex-girlfriend, someone who got away. Huh? [Daphne looks nervous] Come on Niles, there must be somebody you had your eye on before Mel. Daphne: Donny, please! Can't you see you're making him uncomfortable! She storms off to her room. Donny: What? I was just trying to help, honey! You see, Niles, it's not us, it's the holidays. It makes women crazy! Meanwhile, in the hallway, Frasier has his ear to the elevator door. He hears a group arriving and stands back with a gleeful expression to greet them. The doors open to reveal a packed elevator. Frasier: A-ha, hello everyone! Come in, come in! Roz squeezes from the back and meets Frasier. Frasier: That's very nice, ladies first. Now, no crowding, no pushing. [laughs] However, they stay inside and the doors shut. Frasier: Where are they going? Roz: I've got bad news for you. That feud you were having with the guy upstairs? It isn't over. He's having his own party. Frasier: Damn him! He's siphoning off my guests. They enter the apartment. Frasier: You know, you won't believe this. That dreadful Cam Winston is having a competing party! Donny: Oh, that's what that was. Some big sign in the lobby, it said "Winston Party 2000." Frasier: Yes, that's his apartment number. Well, two can play at that game! Donny! Donny: Yeah? Frasier: [gives him paper, a pen and some scissors] Do me a favor, will you? Make me one of those signs, see what you can fashion out of these crude implements. Donny: Okay, I'll try. Martin: I don't know whether that's a good idea, Fras. Frasier: What? Martin: Well, "Winston Party 2000" sounds like the party of the future. "Crane Party 1901" sounds like... well, this. Roz: Don't worry about it, Frasier. You always throw a good party. This place'll be hopping in no time. Frasier: Thanks, Roz. Roz enters the kitchen and flicks open her mobile. Roz: [into phone] Hey, Connie, it's a morgue here. Is the party at the station still happening? Great, I'll be there as soon as I can. Daphne enters the kitchen as Roz hangs up. Roz: Oh, hey Daphne. Daphne: You're not going to believe this. Dr. Crane broke up with Mel. Roz: Oh, yeah, I know, I heard. Daphne: Is there anything you don't know before I do? Roz: I overheard them at the office Christmas party. Daphne: Really, what happened? Roz: Well, okay, don't freak out. Mel accused Niles of still being in love with someone else. Daphne: My God, that's me! I'm someone. Roz: I said not to freak out. Daphne: But what if he says something to me? Roz: Just let him down gently. Daphne: Oh, it never works out that easily. You know how it is when you say no to a guy. Roz: [uncertain] Yeah... sure. Daphne: It just gets messy after that. You say you'll be friends, but you never are. It ruins everything. Roz: He's not going to say anything tonight. As long as Donny's here you're totally safe. Meanwhile, Frasier is pushing Donny out the door with the sign. Frasier: Let's find a prominent place to put this. Preferably right on top of Winston's sign! Donny exits. Frasier turns back and sees Niles taking a long pull of his glass. Frasier: Oh, go easy there, Niles. Niles: Oh, haven't you given me enough advice for one day? The oven timer dings. Frasier: My canap s! [goes to kitchen] Martin: You know, Niles, you look like you need cheering up. Martin starts the "Dancing Santa" which knocks over all of the presents, including one with makes a shattering noise. Niles: Daphne's present! Martin: Did it break? Niles holds it and the sound of broken glass is obvious. Niles: Well, we won't know until she opens it! Martin: I'm sorry, but, hey look. [gives him Mel's present] You don't need this one for Mel, do you? Niles: Well, I guess not. Martin: Okay, well here. [swaps gift tags] Put that in there, and this right in here, problem solved. Meanwhile, Frasier pushes Roz and Daphne out of the kitchen. Frasier: All right, now, you two, I don't want everyone congregating in the kitchen. Now go out and mingle! Roz: [acting] Niles! Martin! I didn't see you come in! Niles: [echoing] Roz! Daphne! I didn't want to give these out in front of all the guests, but since there aren't any. [hands over presents] Roz, this is for you, and Daphne, Merry Christmas. Daphne: Oh, Merry Christmas, thank you, Dr. Crane. Niles's mobile rings and takes it into the kitchen. Meanwhile, the ladies look at their gifts. Daphne: [scared] Oh no, it's jewelry. Roz: [bored] Oh no, it's a book. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment - Later Frasier and Martin are looking up to the next floor. Frasier is holding a dish with some hors d'oeuvres on it. Frasier: My God, there must be a hundred people up there! Well, I'll just show you what you're missing! [wafts the smell up] Savory lamb tenders! Pesto-filled mushroom caps! Smell 'em and weep! Martin: [patronizing] Come on, Frasier. Maybe we ought to walk you back inside, there you are... Frasier: [forlorn] Oh, Dad... Meanwhile, Niles is talking to Mel on the phone in the kitchen. Niles: [into phone] Yes, yes darling, that's wonderful. I'll see you soon. [hangs up] Frasier enters. Niles: That was Mel! Frasier: And? Niles: I managed to explain about Yoshi, she's on her way over. Frasier: Thank God! Niles: I know. Frasier: Another guest! [off Niles's glare] Oh, it's also wonderful for you, Niles. Congratulations. Niles: There is one minor detail I need to iron out. I also got a message from Maris saying she wants to see me again. [gets a bottle of water] I think she may have mistaken last night's sympathy for affection. Frasier: Oh, my. Well, Niles, if you want my advice- Niles: Ooh, you know, you really need to stop saying that. Daphne enters, unseen by the brothers. Frasier: You've got to make your feelings clear to her, and the sooner the better. There's very little point letting it drag on like this. Niles: You're right. I'll speak to her tonight. Daphne, getting the wrong end of the stick, gasps and exits the kitchen. Niles: At the moment, I just want to patch things up with Mel. Frasier: A-ha. Well, you know, those antique earrings you bought her should go a long way towards that. Niles: [realizing] Oh... I gave them to Daphne! Frasier: You did what? Niles: Well, Daphne's gift broke and I didn't think Mel was coming. Dad suggested I switch the gift cards. Frasier: Oh, for God's sake. Dad and his meddling! Well, if you want my advice... [off Niles's glare] You know where to find me. Meanwhile, out in room, Roz is getting her coat to leave as Daphne catches her. Daphne: Roz! Roz: What? Daphne: You can't go. Roz: Why not? Niles enters and catches Daphne. Niles: Daphne, I'm sorry to interrupt. I need to speak with you. It's a private matter, would you join me out on the balcony for a moment? Daphne: All right. Niles: Thank you. Niles exits to the balcony. Roz: Whoa! He's gonna tell you. Daphne: [imitating her] Oh no, not tonight, not while Donny's here! [then] Roz! Roz: Okay, so I was wrong. Boy, this is rough. What are you going to do? Daphne: I don't know. I guess I won't give him the chance. I'll speak first, I'll just be direct. I'll tell him I know how he feels about me, but I don't feel that way about him. I love Donny, and nothing's going to happen between us. Roz: Good. [re-thinks] Luck! Daphne exits to the balcony where Niles is waiting for her. Daphne: Hi. Niles: Daphne, er, I wish there were an easier way to say this, I... Daphne: Wait! I have something I'd like to say first. Dr. Crane, I have to tell you that... Daphne looks at him and just cannot bring herself to say it. Niles: Oh Daphne, I am so sorry, what am I thinking? Here. Niles, in his usual act of chivalry, takes his coat off and puts it around Daphne. Daphne: Oh, thank you. Anyway, Dr. Crane, I know that... [once again she can't say it] Niles: Yes? Daphne: I'm sorry, I... Niles: Why don't I start? Daphne: No, Dr. Crane... Niles: No, no, I really need to say this, I can't wait any longer. Daphne... Daphne: Yes? Niles: This is so difficult for me. Daphne: [almost hoping] Yes. Pause. Niles: I need my Christmas present back. Daphne: ...You what?! Meanwhile, in the main room, Frasier, Martin, Donny and Roz are slumped, bored out of their minds. Frasier: People will go almost anywhere for free food and booze. Am I really so insufferable? Roz: I could call up the station and see if people want to come over. Frasier: [sarcastic] Oh yes, Roz, let's call in the second string guests. Let's fill my home with a bunch of angry, snubbed co-workers. [then] Do you think they'd come? Then a bunch of people begin entering and all is better. Frasier: Fashionably late! Hello, everyone. Come in, Merry Christmas. Help yourself to the drinks. Meanwhile, Donny smells a fish. Donny: Okay, Marty, how did you get these people down here? Martin: Oh, I just called an old buddy in the fire department and told him that that many people in one place had to be a code violation. Donny: Oh, that is smart. But aren't there going to be the same number of people down here? Frasier: All right, everyone, we'll start by singing some carols and then we will choose our teams for "The Minister's Cat." Martin: [to Donny] I don't think that's going to be a problem. Meanwhile, Niles and Daphne are still chatting out on the balcony. Niles: I feel terrible about this, and of course, I'll replace the gift. Daphne: That's all right. [takes coat off] Well, I won't be needing this anymore. [hands it back to him] Niles: Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, you never finished what you were going to say. Daphne: Oh, well, it was about the gift. Well, I could see from the box that you got me jewelry from "Beady & Sons" and I didn't get you anything nearly as grand. Well, doesn't matter now. Daphne looks into the apartment and notices Mel has arrived. Daphne: Oh, Mel. She's here. Niles: Yes, excuse me. Niles enters and approaches her as Daphne goes to Roz. Niles picks up the Christmas present on the way and changes tags. Niles: I'm so glad you came. [gives her the present] Merry Christmas. Mel: Merry Christmas. Meanwhile, Roz and Daphne have a little chat. Roz: So, how did it go? Did you tell him? Daphne: Never got the chance, he went first. It turned out he'd just given me the wrong gift and wanted it back. Roz: You're kidding! You must be so relieved. Daphne: I'll say! I've never been so relieved in my life. Frasier gathers everyone for the carols. Frasier: All right, everyone, we'll start with an easy one. He strikes up the piano as everyone begins singing "Deck The Halls". Chorus: Deck the halls with bows of holly, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, Tis' the season to be jolly, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, Don we now our gay apparel, Fa-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la. As they are singing Daphne keeps glancing behind her at Niles and Mel, who are kissing tenderly. Daphne keeps looking at him with sorrow. Does she love him? End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Martin is standing on the balcony after the party. He notices a little black cowboy hat on the floor and realizes it's from his "Dancing Santa." It looks like he tried to use his magic sleigh, as Martin looks down from the balcony trying to spot the fallen fat man. When Frasier arrives, he connects the two, and chases after him.

Frasier is planning his Victorian Christmas party at home, and is trying to keep it a secret at KACL , having only invited Roz out of his work colleagues. He has also invited Cam Winston , deciding to call their feud to a temporary halt. Daphne is having an awkward time, as Frasier does not remember what he said under the influence of his painkillers, and Niles does not yet realize that she knows his feelings. Niles, meanwhile, has to offer his condolences in person to Maris after her old gardener Yoshi dies, but Frasier advises him not to tell Mel. She eventually finds out and is very angry, so Niles does his best to talk her round. Frasier's Christmas party is a disaster, and it does not take long for him to find out why: Cam Winston is holding a rival party in his apartment, and poaching all Frasier's guests. Daphne panics when she learns that Niles and Mel have broken up, and still more when she overhears Frasier in the kitchen advising Niles to "make his feelings clear to her", not knowing that he means Maris.

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Scene: The apartment. Howard is looking at his mobile phone. Howard: Ooh, more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth. Raj: I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception. Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating, or, if you will, Pon Farr, it's an extremely private matter. Leonard: Still, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan, they couldn't just conceive. Howard: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of pointy ears and shapely rears. Raj: How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same. No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, hey, get your thing out of my nose. Penny (entering): Hi, can you help me, I was writing an email and the A key got stuck. Now it's just going "aaaaaaa". Leonard: What did you spill on it? Penny: Nothing. Diet coke. And yoghurt. A little nail polish. Leonard: I'll take a look at it. Howard: Gentlemen, switching to local nerd news. Fishman, Chen, Chowdry, McNair aren't fielding a team in the university physics bowl this year. Leonard: You're kidding, why not? Howard: They formed a barbershop quartet, and got a gig playing Knotsbury Farm. Penny: Wow, so in your world, you're like, the cool guys. Howard: Recognise. Leonard: This is our year! With those guys out, the entire physics bowl will kneel before Zod. Penny: Zod? Howard: Kryptonian villain. Long story. Raj: Good story. (Clasps hands to mouth in shock.) Sheldon: Well count me out. Howard: What? Why? Sheldon: You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish? Leonard: Come on, you need a four person team, we're four people. Sheldon: By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition. Penny: I want tickets to that please. Leonard: Sheldon, what, do I need to quote Spock's dying words to you. Sheldon: No, don't. Leonard: The needs of the many. Howard: Outweigh the needs of the few. Sheldon: Or the one. Dammit, I'll do it. Credits sequence Scene: The cafeteria. Raj: Okay. First order of physics bowl business. We need a truly kick-ass team name. Suggestions. Howard: How about the perpetual motion squad? It's beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads up for the ladies. Leonard: The ladies? Howard: Perpetual motion squad, we can go all night. Raj: I like it. Sheldon: I don't. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent. Raj: Then we can be the Bengal Tigers. Sheldon: Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant. Raj: Maybe so. But you can't incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass. Leonard: Let's put it to a vote. All those in favour.... Sheldon: Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant. Leonard: Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question? Sheldon: I will yield. Leonard: After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to threaten to quit if he does not get his way? Sheldon: He does. Leonard: I move we are the Army Ants, all those in favour? Scene: The apartment. Penny: Good afternoon, and welcome to today's physics bowl practice round. I'm Penny, and I'll be your host, because apparently I didn't have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon, and isn't that just a little sad? Gentlemen, are you ready? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Of course. Howard: Fire away. (Raj puts his thumb up.) Penny: You know, it's none of my business, but isn't a guy who can't speak in front of women going to hold you back a little? Leonard: Oh, uh, he'll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they're one on one and smell nice. Penny: Oh, thanks Raj, it's vanilla oil. Leonard: I was actually the one who noticed, okay, let's just start. Penny: Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics. What is the shortest light pulse ever produced? Dr Cooper. Sheldon: And of course, the answer is 130 adoseconds. Penny: That is correct. Leonard: I knew that too. Penny: Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question. What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard disk drives? Howard. Sheldon: And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance. Penny: Right. Howard: Hey, I buzzed in. Sheldon: But I answered, it's called teamwork. Howard: Don't you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer. Sheldon: By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal. Leonard: Just ask another one. Penny: Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.) Sheldon: And of course it's Gravity Probe B. Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer. Sheldon: Why? Penny: Because it's polite. Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again? Penny: Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions. Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn't I give them? Howard: Some of us might have the correct answers too. Sheldon: Oh please, you don't even have a PhD. Howard: Alright, that's it. Leonard: Howard, sit down. Howard: Okay. Leonard: maybe we should take a little break. Sheldon: Good idea, I need my wrist brace, all this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury. Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): I agree. Penny: What did he say? Howard: He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer's eve. Penny: Yeah, and the bag it came in. Scene: The same, later. Sheldon is on his laptop. Leonard enters. Sheldon: Leonard, excellent, I want to show you something. Leonard: Can it wait, I need to talk to you. Sheldon: Just look. I've designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colours are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold. Leonard: Why do they say AA? Sheldon: Army Ants. Leonard: Isn't that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people. Sheldon: Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium? Leonard: No, I meant.... never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar! Sheldon: Oh neat, what's the occasion? Leonard: Well, you're a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you're off the team. Sheldon: What? Leonard: Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting. Sheldon: No you didn't. Leonard: Yes we did, I just came from it. Sheldon: Okay, I don't know where you just came from, but it couldn't have been a team meeting because I'm on the team and I wasn't there, ergo the team did not meet. Leonard: Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you're off the team. Sheldon: Why? Leonard: Because you're taking all the fun out of it. Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun? Leonard: Okay, let me try it this way, you're annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more. Sheldon: I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears. Leonard: Thanks for the heads up. Sheldon: You're welcome. One more thing. Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: It's on, bitch. Scene: The cafeteria. Howard: So who'd he get to be on his team. Leonard: He won't say. He just smiles, and eats macaroons out of his bat jar. Raj: He's using psychological warfare. We must reply in kind. I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like, yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you. Leonard: How exactly would that laugh go? Raj: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Howard: That sounds more like, we are a tall thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians. Leonard: Guys, let's remember that Sheldon is still our friend and my room mate. Howard: So? Leonard: So nothing, let's destroy him. Sheldon (walking past): Gentlemen. Raj: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Howard: Okay, we're going to need a strong fourth for our team. Raj: You know who's apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV's Blossom. She got a PhD in neuroscience or something. Leonard: Raj, we're not getting TV's Blossom to join our physics bowl team. Raj: How about the girl from the Wonder Years? Howard: Gentlemen, I believe I've found the solution to all our problems. Leonard: We can't ask Leslie Winkle. Raj: Why? Because you slept together and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night's chutney? Leonard: Yes. Howard: Sometimes you've got to take one for the team. Raj: Yeah. Sack up, dude. Leonard: Fine. Here I go, taking one for the team. In the sack. Hey Leslie. Leslie: Hi guys. Leonard: Leslie, I have a question for you, and it might be a little awkward, you know, given that I... Howard: Hit that thang. Leslie: Leonard, there's no reason to feel uncomfortable just because we've seen each other's faces and naked bodies contorted in the sweet agony of coitus. Leonard: There's not? Gee, cos it sure sounds like there should be. Leslie: Rest assured that any aspects of our sexual relationship regarding your preferences, your idiosyncrasies, your performance, are still protected by the inherent confidentiality of the bedroom. Leonard: That's all very comforting, but if it's okay, I'd like to get on with my question now. Leslie: Proceed. Leonard: We are entering the physics bowl and we need a fourth for our team. Leslie: No thanks, I'm really busy with my like sign dilepton super symmetry search. Howard: Dilepton, schmilepton, we need you. Leslie: Sorry. Howard: Well, we tried. Just have to face Sheldon mano-e-mano-e-mano. A-mano. Leslie: Wait, you're going up against Sheldon Cooper? Howard: Yes. Leslie: That arrogant, misogynistic East-Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high energy particles for laundry and child bearing? Leonard: She's in. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The Physics Bowl. Penny: So, how do you feel? Nice and loose? Come to play? Got your game face on? (The guys look confused.) Are you ready? Leonard: Oh, yeah. You know you don't have to stay for the whole thing. Penny: Oh, no, no, I want to. It sounds really interesting. Sheldon (entering in his Star Trek themed shirt): Gentlemen. Leonard: Sheldon. Howard: Sheldon. Raj: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. Penny: Sheldon. I'm just going to sit down. Leonard: So, is that your team. Sheldon: Actually, I don't need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship? Leslie: Hello, Sheldon. Sheldon: Leslie Winkle? Leslie: Yeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl? Sheldon: Yes, well, I'm polymerised tree sap and you're non-organic adhesive so, whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you. Leslie: Oh, ouch. Dr Gablehouser: Okay, if everyone could please take your seats. Leonard: Here's your tee-shirt. (Hands her a tee-shirt with PMS on it. Takes jacket off to reveal similar.) Leslie: PMS? It's a couple of days early, but... Leonard: No, it stands for Perpetual Motion Squad. Leslie: Oh, right, of course, what was I thinking? Gablehouser: Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to this year's physics bowl. Today's preliminary match features two great teams... AA versus PMS. Howard: All night long, y'all! (Stands and turns round to reveal the back of the tee-shirt which reads "We Can Go All Night".) Gablehouser: Okay, well let's jump right in, first question, for ten points. What is the isospan singlet partner of the Pi Zero Meson? (Buzz) PMS? Leonard: The Eta Meson. Gablehouser: Correct. Sheldon: Formal protest. Gablehouser: On what grounds? Sheldon: The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt. Gablehouser: Denied. Alright, for ten points, what is the lightest element on earth with no stable isotope. (Buzz) AA? Sheldon: And of course, the answer is Technetium. Gablehouser: Terrific. Next question, what is the force between two uncharged plates due to quantum vacuum fluctuation. (Buzz) PMS? Raj: Sheldon can suck on, the Casimir Effect. Gablehouser: Correct. (Time shift) Gablehouser: How does a quantum computer factor large numbers. (Buzz) PMS? Leslie: Shor's Algorithm. Gablehouser: Correct. (Time shift) Sheldon: 4.1855 times ten to the seventh ergs per calorie. (Time shift) Leonard: Prevost's theory of exchanges. (Time shift) Sheldon: Lamda equals one over Pi R squared N (Time shift) Howard: 760 degrees celsius, the approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row. Gablehouser: Mr Wolowitz, this is your second warning. (Time shift) Sheldon: A sigma particle. (Time shift) Leslie: Yes, assuming the hypothetical planet has a mass greater than the earth. Gablehouser: Correct. Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand the final question. The score now stands AA 1150, PMS 1175. So, for one hundred points, and the match, please turn your attention to the formula on the screens. Solve the equation. Raj: Holy crap. Leonard: What the hell is that. Howard: It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell. Leonard: Come on, think, Leslie. Leslie: Leonard, it's not going to work if you rush me, you have to let me get there. Leonard: You're never going to let that go, are you? Gablehouser: Ten seconds. (Buzz) PMS. Leonard: Sorry, I panicked. Howard: Then guess. Leonard: Um, eight. (Gablehouser stares at him.) Point four. Gablehouser: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. AA, if you can answer correctly, the match is yours. Howard: He doesn't have it. He's got squat. (Sheldon looks more and more uncomfortable, so much he is involuntarily twitching.) Gablehouser: AA, I need your answer. (Buzz) Third Floor Janitor: The answer is minus eight by alpha. Sheldon: Hang on, hang on a second, that's not our answer. What are you doing? Third Floor Janitor: Answering question. Winning physics bowl. Sheldon: How do you know anything about physics? Third Floor Janitor: Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Politechnica. Go Polar Bears. Sheldon: Well that's a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions. Third Floor Janitor: You didn't answer question. Sheldon: Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow! Gablehouser: AA, I need your official answer. Sheldon: Well it's not what he said. Gablehouser: Then what is it? Sheldon: I want a different question. Gablehouser: You can't have a different question. Sheldon: Formal protest. Gablehouser: Denied. Sheldon: Informal protest. Gablehouser: Denied. I need your official answer. Sheldon: No. I decline to provide one. Gablehouser: Well, that's too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct. Sheldon: That's your opinion. Gablehouser: Alright, the winner of the match is... Leonard: Hang on. Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team. Sheldon: I don't understand the question. Leonard: Go ahead. Gablehouser: The winner is PMS! (We Are The Champions by Queen plays as the team celebrate in slow motion and Sheldon puts his head in his hands. The celebration ends with Howard on his knees ripping his shirt in half and waving it round his head before throwing it to the audience.) Scene: The apartment. Sheldon goes to sit in his spot. Leonard: Sorry, somebody's sitting there. Sheldon: Who? Leonard: My Physics Bowl Trophy! Sheldon: That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win. Leonard: I know someone who would disagree. Sheldon: Who? Leonard: My Physics Bowl Trophy! (In weird voice) "Leonard is so smart, Sheldon who?" Sheldon: Alright that is very immature. Leonard: You're right, I'm sorry. (In voice, waving trophy in Sheldon's face) I'm not! Penny (entering): Okay, new contest. Leonard: What are you doing? Penny: I'm settling once and for all who is the smartest around here. Okay, are you ready? Sheldon: Absolutely. Leonard: Bring it on. Penny: Okay. Marsha, Jan and Cindy were the three daughters of what TV family? (They stare at her.) The Brady Bunch. Okay, Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group? Sheldon (after they look at each other in confusion): The Brady Bunch? Penny: Van Halen. Alright, Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum. (Pause) Oh my God, Sean Penn! Leonard: How do you know these things? Penny: I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine's sexiest man alive? Sheldon: William Shatner. Leonard: Wait, I don't think it's Shatner. Sheldon: Then it's got to be Patrick Stewart. Penny: No. Sheldon: Formal protest. Penny: Alright, singer who sang "Oops I Did It Again." (Sheldon starts involuntarily twitching again.) Okay, Tweetie Bird, taught he taw a what? Sheldon (after they pass a smug look between each other): Romulan. Penny: Yes. He taught he taw a Romulan. (Sheldon and Leonard do a victory hand slide.)

The guys decide to compete in a university quiz called physics bowl after the strong competitors drop out, but Sheldon's showboating is too much, and they eject him from the team. Sheldon, upset, vows to form his own team and compete against them. The guys, in need of a fourth member, ask Leslie Winkle. She at first declines, but accepts on hearing they are opposing Sheldon, who has often criticized her research and gender. The guys name themselves PMS (Perpetual Motion Squad, an unintentional pun on premenstrual syndrome). Sheldon's team is named AA (Army Ants, an unintentional pun on Alcoholics Anonymous), and comprises Sheldon (who forbids answers from his teammates), the 3rd floor janitor, the lunch lady, and her son (or possibly her butcher). PMS win when Sheldon, unable to answer the last question, refuses to accept the janitor's answer, which is actually correct: he explains that despite working as a janitor in America, he was a physicist in the former Soviet Union.

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fd_FRIENDS_03x12_0

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her first day.] Rachel: (running in from her bedroom, wearing only a towel) Okay. Hey. Umm. Does everybody hate these shoes? Chandler: Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that as long as your wearing that towel dress. Rachel: (to Ross) Tell him. Ross: (to Chandler) It's her first day at this new job. Your not supposed to start with her! Chandler: All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday? Ross: Why? Chandler: I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's the botanist. Ross: Oh God. Y'know, botanists are such geeks. Chandler: Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie? Ross: Hmm? Oh, yeah. (he makes a growling sound) Phoebe: (entering, with about 20 purses hanging around her neck) Morning. Rach, I'm here with the purses! Chandler: (to Phoebe) It must take you forever to find your keys. Rachel: (running into the living room) Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs. Phoebe: Your welcome, oh please not the one with the turtles. Rachel: No, no, no, no turtles scare me. I don't need that today. Ross: Honey, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why don't I come down there and I'll take you out to lunch? Rachel: Oh honey, thank you, but Mark's taking me out. Ross: Mark is that ah, the same Mark that helped you get the job? Rachel: Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your first day' sort of thing. (to Phoebe) Is this actually a lunchbox? Phoebe: Umm, no, it's a purse. And there's a thermos in it. Rachel: Oh. Chandler: (to Ross) Hey, so can you make it on Friday? Ross: What? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. Why am I invited to this again? Chandler: Well apparently Albert has no friends. He's very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper. Phoebe: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so clich . Why don't you get a magician?! Chandler: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right. Opening Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are entering, Joey is on the phone.] Ross: She's having lunch with him. She's having lunch with him. And you should of seen the hug she gave him when she got the job. And, and, and, (to Joey) he's really good looking. (Joey gives an enthusiastic thumbs up) What am I gonna do? Chandler: Don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! (pause) Don't cry outloud. Joey: (hanging up the phone) Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical? Chandler: I want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer. Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of Tale of Two Cities. So I think I'm gonna sing New York, New York, and ah, oh I left My Heart in San Francisco. Ross: Ah Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities. Joey: What? Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em. Joey: Who? Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes. Joey: The what? Chandler: The abridgment. Joey: Oh, okay. (to Ross) The what? [Scene: Rachel's office, Mark is training Rachel.] Mark: ...and the style number, and the invoice number, and the shipping date. Good. Any questions so far? Rachel: Yeah. What kind of discount do we get? Mark: Twenty percent. Rachel: Oh!! I love this job! (her phone rings) Wow! My first call. Mark: Here, let me. (answers phone) Rachel Green's line, how may I help you? Ross: (on phone) Hi, is Rachel there? Mark: And who may I say is calling? Ross: This is Ross? Mark: Ross of..... Ross: Of Ross and Rachel. Mark: Oh hi. It's, it's Mark. Ross: Oh hey, hey Mark. Mark: Hey, hold on a second. Ross: Okay. Rachel: Hi honey! Ross: Hi! What's ah, what's Mark doing answering your phone? Rachel: Oh, he's just goofing around. Ross: Ohhhhh yeah, that's, that's funny. Why ah, why isn't he goofing around in his own office? Rachel: Oh honey, this is his office too. I told you we're Joanna's two assistants. Ross: Why does Joanna need two assistants, how, how lazy is she? Rachel: Oh! Oh my God! What did I just do? Ross: What? Rachel: I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel. Oh honey, I gotta go. (to Mark) Mark, I need you! Ross: Okay, bye-bye. (starts slamming the receiver down in anger.) Rachel: Ow! Ross!! Ross: Oh, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry sweetie, I was just trying to ah, I'm dialing another number. (hangs up) [Scene: The Moondance diner, Monica is cleaning up with one of the waiters, with her back turned to him she removes her fake breasts and hides them under her wig.] Jeannine: (to Monica) All right, I just got changed in thirty seconds so you can be alone with him. You'd better go for it. Monica: Please, I'm not going for anything. Jeannine: Well, if you don't, I will. Monica: Would you please go? Jeannine: Night Mon. Night Julio. Julio: (to Jeannine) Adios. (Monica starts wiping down the stools, as Julio follows along behind her replacing the napkin holders.) Monica: Look Julio, someone left their book here. Julio: Ah actually, that is mine. Monica: Oh yeah, what are you reading? Julio: Flowers of Evil, by Beaudalire. Have you read it? Monica: Have I read it? (pause) No, are you enjoying it? Julio: I thought I would, but the translation's no good. Monica: Your a poet and don't know it. (she turns away and makes a face like 'I can't believe I just said that.') Julio: Actually I ah, I am a poet. Monica: Oh, then you do know it. (pause) So um what kind of things do you write about? Julio: Things that move me. The, the shadow of a tree, a child laughing, or this lip. (points to her lip) Monica: Mine? (points to her lower lip) Right here? Julio: I can write an epic poem about this lip. (grabs her lower lip) Monica: How would that go? (they kiss) Well, it didn't rhyme, but I liked it. [Scene: Joey's audition.] Joey: (singing) You've got to pick a pocket or two. Boyyyyssss, (picks a handkerchief from the pianist's pocket) you've got to pick a pocket or two.......... Director: Lovely, just lovely. Joey: Really? Thanks. Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday. Joey: Excellent, I'll be there. Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition. Joey: Ahhh! My ah, my agent said it wasn't a dancing part. Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading Joey's resume.] Chandler: ....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?! Joey: Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay. I wasn't one of the Zoom Kids either. Phoebe: Well, can you dance at all? Joey: Yeah, I can dance, y'know. (starts to dance really, really, really badly) Chandler: Oh no, no, no, no. Phoebe: (covering her mouth in shock) What, what is that? Joey: Sure, it looks stupid now, there's no music playing. (phone rings) Chandler: All right, I have to get that, but no-no. (answering phone) Hello? (listens) (happily) Hi! Yeah listen, I'm, I'm in need of a stripper and I was told that you do that. (listens) Let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred? (listens) So would I, would I have to provide the grapes? Monica: (entering) Hi! Phoebe: Oh, how was last night with Julio, senorita? Monica: It was soo amazing, he is so sexy, and smart, which makes him even sexier. Oh gosh, I gotta so you this. Last night, we were fooling around and he stops to write a poem. Joey: Get out! I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me. Chandler: Okay, we have our stripper. A miss Crystal Chandelier. Joey: Well sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be? Monica: Anyway um, when he left he forgot to take the poem with him. Now, I am like totally dense about poetry, but I think it's pretty good all right. Check it out. (hands them the poem) Joey: (reading) The Empty Vase. Translucent beauty... Chandler: To yourself. (finishing) Hey-hey-hey, y'know what that's pretty good. Monica: Oh good, I think so too. Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh yeah. Monica: Oh, I'm so glad you guys like it. Yay! All right I gotta go to work. (tries to take the poem) Joey: Whoa, I'm not done. Monica: All right, just give it back to me when your done. See you guys. Chandler: Bye-bye. (Monica leaves) Phoebe: Oh my God, oh my God! Poor Monica! Chandler: What, what, what?! Phoebe: What?! He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look, (reading) 'My vessel so empty with nothing inside. Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still.' He thinks Monica is empty, she is the empty vase! Chandler: You really think that is what he meant? Phoebe: Oh, totally. Oh, God, oh, she seemed so happy too. Joey: Done. [Scene: Rachel's office, her desk is covered with stuff Ross has sent her.] Mark: (reaching through the flowers) Do you have the, the Ralph Lauren file? Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, it's umm... (she picks up this bug and it starts to play the theme from Love Story) Mark: Wh-what's that? Ross: It's from Ross, it's a love bug. Mark: Wow! Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend. Rachel: Oh no, no-no-no, that's not, not, not, what he is doing. He's just, he's just really romantic. Man: (to Rachel) Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green? Rachel: Yes. Man: (being joined by the rest of the barbershop quartet) One, two, three... Quartet: (singing) Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It won't be long before your the boss. The Bass Barber: Omm-pah, omm-pah, omm-pah. Quartet: (singing) And you know who will be there to support... you?! Your one and only boyfriend... The Bass Barber: It's nice to have a boyfriend. Quartet: Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross..... Ross! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering the living room from her bedroom.] Ross: I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt, that you would think that I would send you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt! Rachel: All right Ross!! I get it!! Ross: I mean my God... Rachel: You're hurt! Ross: ...can't, can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office anymorrrrre!! Rachel: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might have well have just come in and peed all around my desk! Ross: I would never do that! Rachel: Look, I know what's going on here, okay, Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do. Ross: Yeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than Mark's an idiot. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey are there.] Joey: Mark's a genius! Ross: Why?! How?! How is he a genius? Chandler: Look, don't you see what's happening here. Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy she goes too to complain about you. Ross: What am I going to do? Chandler: Well, why don't you send her a musical bug, op, no you already did that. All right look, you're going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits. Ross: I don't know you guys. Chandler: All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.' Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty soon you'll be like, (sadly) 'Hhiii,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!!' Chandler: He paints quite a picture doesn't he? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Rachel's office.] Woman: (walking up to Mark) Here's the Shelly Siegal stuff from December. Mark: (turning around) And wait, I've got something for you. (kisses her) Woman: Mark!! Mark: It's okay, Rachel knows. Woman: Yeah, but even soo. (Ross appears in the hallway just outside of Rachel's office.) Mark: I can't help it, I'm just, I'm just crazy about you. Rachel: Ohhh! That is soo sweet! (gets up to get herself a cup of coffee) (Ross is eavesdropping in the hallway.) Mark: Okay, okay look, I know I'm being Mr. Inappropriate today, but it's just so tough, I mean see you walking around and I just wanna touch you and hold you, come on no one's around, just, just kiss me. (They start to kiss, and Ross rushes into the office to break it up.) Ross: All right that's, that's it!! Get off her! Mark: What is going on? Ross: What's going on?! (throws the love bug at him) That's what's going on!! Rachel: (now standing behind Ross) Ross! (Ross finally looks at the woman kissing Mark.) Ross: I have been down in your store for twenty minutes trying to get a tie! What do I have to do to get some service?! (turns to Rachel) Hi Rach. (He's puts his hand on her shoulder and she knocks it away.) [Scene: Joey's dance audition, Joey is warming up.] Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island. Joey: So, does that mean the audition is off? Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination. Joey: What?! Director: Aw come on Joey, it's easy. Y'know, it's hand, hand, head, head, (very quickly, Joey watches stunned) up, pas de bouree, pas de bouree, big turn here, grand sissone, sissone, sissone, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands! Joey: It's ah, step-ity, step and jazz hands. Director: Have fun. Joey: Bye. (does the jazz hands) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is tying a ribbon to a vase.] Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey. Phoebe: What are you wrapping? Monica: Oh-ho, look what I got Julio. Phoebe: Yeah, it's a vase. Monica: Yeah, just like the one in the poem. Phoebe: Well not exactly like the one in the poem. Monica: What do you mean? Phoebe: Remember how you said you were really dense about poetry? Oh. (hugs her) [Scene: The Moondance Diner.] Monica: (to Julio) So! I'm just an empty vase, huh? Julio: What? Monica: Y'know, so I don't read as many important books as you do, and I don't write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else. And y'know what, I get excited about stupid stuff, like when I my People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new Hold Everything catalog. Y'know but that does not mean that I'm empty, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no right to make that kind of judgment about me. Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Monica: You don't even know me... Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa, the poem is not about you. Monica: What? Julio: The Empty Vase is not about you. My baby, you make me so sad that you would think this. Monica: I'm sorry, my friend Phoebe... Julio: No, it's about all women. Well, all American women. You feel better now? Monica: (sarcastically) Oh yeah. [Scene: Joey's audition, the director has returned and wants to see the combination.] Director: All right, let's do it! (The group does the same horrible dance that Joey did earlier in the show, except they're all out of sync and they do the jazz hands at the end.) Director: No, no, no. What was that? Joey: I know, it was the best I could get out of them. Director: Well, people! Joey: People, people, people. Director: Let's try it again, and this time let's watch everybody watch Joey. (to Joey) Show 'em how it's done. (to the pianist) Count it off. (The pianist starts to play, and Joey readies himself, and then runs out of the audition.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are there.] Rachel: So ah, did you have fun at the bachelor party last night? Chandler: Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. (holds up a pen) See, she's fully dressed, right? Rachel: Right. Chandler: And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked. And then, and then you click it again and she's dressed. She's a business woman, she's walking down the street, she's window shopping, and (clicks pen) whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-she's naked! (Rachel just stares at him.) Ross: (entering) Hi. Rachel: Hello. Chandler: Y'know what, I'm, I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen. Ross: (sits down next to her) I'm sorry, I was an idiot. Rachel: A big idiot. Ross: A big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this whole Mark thing is kinda hard for me. (Gunther is eavesdropping in the background.) Rachel: Honey, why is it hard, I mean we've been together for almost a year now? Ross: Well, I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now if it's possible I think I love you even more. So, it's hard for me to believe that I'm not gonna, well that someone else is not going to take you away. Gunther: Let it be me! Let it be me! Rachel: Honey, that's very sweet, it just seems to me though, that if two people love each other and trust each other, like we do, there's no reason to be jealous. (she kisses him) Ross: I gotta get going. Bye Chandler. Chandler: Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this pen is kinda getting boring, so can you pick me up some p0rn? Rachel: Where ya going? Ross: Oh, I've got to go pick up Ben, we've got a play date this afternoon. Rachel: Ohh, with who? Ross: Oh, just this woman that I met last night at the party. Rachel: There was a woman at the... (realizes) The stripper?! Ross: Yeah. Rachel: You have a play date with a stripper?! Chandler: Man, I gotta get a kid. (looks at the pen and starts laughing) Ross: Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking after she y'know, did her thing. And it turns out she's got a boy about Ben's age, so we're taking them to a gym-boree class. Why, is that okay? Rachel: Sure, is she married? Ross: Ahh, no. Rachel: Oh. (starts shaking the sugar down in a packet really hard.) Ross: Are you jealous? Rachel: Noo, I y'know I don't see why she has to play with you, that's all. I mean doesn't she have any y'know other stripper moms friends of her own? Ross: You are totally jealous. Rachel: I'm not jealous. All right this is about, umm, people feeling certain things y'know about strippers. And y'know, and um, I... Ross: Honey, I love you too. Rachel: Ugh. Wait, wait, wait. Ross: What? (She runs over and gives him a very passionate kiss.) Ross: Huh. Rachel: (to Chandler) Well, there's a kiss that he won't forget for a couple of hours, y'know. Chandler: Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper. Closing Credits [Scene: The Moondance Diner.] Man: (entering) Is there a Julio here? Julio: (to him) I am Julio. (The rest of barbershop quartet enters, and joins him.) Man: (singing) Mister Pretensous, (Monica stands up in the background) you think there's no one finer, well but your poems are unpublished, and you work in a diner. Quartet: Your no God's gift to women, that's all in your headdddd. You are just a buttmunch. Bass Singer: No one likes a buttmunch. Quartet: And your also bad in bedd-edd-edd!. (Monica waves at Julio.)

Convinced Mark wants to steal Rachel, a jealous Ross showers her with romantic gifts at the workplace. Joey's numerous lies on his padded résumé catch up with him when he is forced to teach a dance to an entire Broadway cast, unsuccessfully. Monica dates Julio, a busboy from the diner who writes her a poem called, 'The Empty Vase'. Touched, Monica sleeps with him, but Phoebe explains that the poem means he thinks she is "empty" inside. Monica later gets revenge. Rachel assures Ross he can trust her with Mark, then becomes jealous when he and Ben have a play date with the stripper from a bachelor party he attended who has a son Ben's age.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_07x12

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_07x12_0

The Ambassadors of Death 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (An astronaut - Charles VAN LYDEN - appears on a large monitor screen. Wearing a ribbed beige space-suit, he is shown within a cramped space capsule. A man speaks to him in a strong French accent.) TALTALIAN: And one degree. Are you reading? VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) I'm reading okay. One degree - now. (VAN LYDEN is seen to flick a switch. There is a noise of course adjustment from the capsule which quickly dies down.) VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) Manoeuvre completed. (VAL LYDEN is being closely watched by Professor RALPH CORNISH - a dark haired good-looking gently spoken man.) RALPH CORNISH: You overshot, Charlie. Make a two second correction to port. VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) Two second correction to port - now. (Once again, there is a noise of movement from the capsule.) VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) Error rectified. RALPH CORNISH: You're doing fine, Charlie. VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) What is my distance from Mars Probe 7? (CORNISH passes on the request to TALTALIAN...) RALPH CORNISH: Distance computation, please? TALTALIAN: Distance - five-eight-zero miles. Seven minutes, three seconds to objective. VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) Confirmed. RALPH CORNISH: Charlie, how's it going? VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) No problem, everything's fine. No contact yet? RALPH CORNISH: There's been no contact for seven months. VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) How do we know they're still alive? RALPH CORNISH: They took off from Mars manually - they must have been alive then. VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) Something...took off from Mars. [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (The brightly-lit main control room, where RALPH CORNISH sits, is a large metallic structure with a geodesic roof design. The room is on two levels with various computer stations along the walls of the upper level manned by technicians. Part of the back wall is taken up by an elliptic radar screen. In the well of the room is CORNISH'S desk which faces the large monitor on which VAN LYDEN appears. Another desk sits at right angles to his and this is manned by MISS RUTHERFORD - a dark haired young lady in a white lab coat. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART stands nearby observing operations as the Frenchman - Bruno TALTALIAN - approaches CORNISH'S desk. TALTALIAN also wears a white lab coat, has glasses and sports a beard.) TALTALIAN: How is it going? (He looks towards the radar screen that shows two spots of light converging.) RALPH CORNISH: They're closing. Charlie's a bit edgy. TALTALIAN: Can you blame him? It is possible he has gone up to a rendezvous with a flying coffin. (CORNISH gives him a hard look.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (To CORNISH.) Do you think they're dead? RALPH CORNISH: In seven months space time, they could've fixed a defective radio. TALTALIAN: If they are dead, it is going to turn public opinion against our space programme. RALPH CORNISH: (Quietly sarcastic.) Frightened your computer grant might be cut, Bruno? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What are you going to tell the public? RALPH CORNISH: That's...not my job. (The man whose job it is, sits in a chair behind a glass screen which faces the control room. This part of the control room is a television studio and JOHN WAKEFIELD is presenting a live broadcast. A quietly but professionally spoken man, he presents a calm resume of events...) JOHN WAKEFIELD: (To camera.) In a few minutes we shall know the answer to the question that has been occupying the minds of everyone here at Space control since Mars Probe 7 took off on its return journey from the red planet nearly eight months ago. What has happened to astronauts Frank Michaels and Joe Lefee? Communications remained perfect on the long outward journey to the red planet and throughout the difficult landing. For a full twelve hours they sent back pictures and reports from the surface of Mars. Both then seemed in perfect health...then silence. [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. UNIT HQ. LABORATORY (The broadcast is being picked up on a colour television in the DOCTOR'S new laboratory in UNIT HQ.) JOHN WAKEFIELD: (On television.) The world assumed that disaster had overtaken the mission. But when all hope was gone, radio astronomers at Cambridge reported that Mars Probe 7 had blasted off and was heading back to Earth. (The DOCTOR leans over and turns the sound down. He walks back into the centre of the room which is green in colour and seemingly part of an ornate building. Racks and shelves of equipment line the walls and in the centre of the room, the console from the TARDIS sits incongruously. The DOCTOR walks round the console flicking switches and fails to see that LIZ is stood in the doorway.) LIZ: (Amused.) What are you doing? DOCTOR: Well, I'm trying to reactivate the TARDIS's Time Vector Generator. (LIZ walks up to the console.) LIZ: What's that supposed to do? DOCTOR: Well, it could sent you into the future if it starts working again. Particularly if you're standing there. (He indicates where LIZ is standing.) LIZ: (Laughs.) Come on now Doctor... (There is a brief burst of the TARDIS dematerialisation noise and LIZ suddenly vanishes.) DOCTOR: Liz! Good grief! (He rushes to where she was standing and flicks switches. There is another brief burst of the TARDIS dematerialisation noise and the DOCTOR vanishes. Almost immediately LIZ reappears. She reacts as if she was never the one who vanished, but the DOCTOR was.) LIZ: Doctor? W...w...where are you? Doctor? (She crosses to the original spot on which the DOCTOR was stood and almost immediately vanishes. The DOCTOR then reappears, looks quickly round, presses more switches and causes LIZ to reappear.) DOCTOR: Oh there you are! LIZ: Well, w...w...what happened? DOCTOR: Well, we both got caught in the time warp field and were projected into the future. LIZ: (Amazed.) Into the future? DOCTOR: Yes... (He checks his wristwatch.) DOCTOR: But, er, only about fifteen seconds. LIZ: But I haven't been anywhere - you vanished. DOCTOR: No, no, no - you vanished first - I only seemed to have vanished because you went into the future - and I wasn't there yet. LIZ: (Quietly unconvinced.) Yes... DOCTOR: Yes... (The DOCTOR flicks a switch and LIZ anxiously grabs at the console.) DOCTOR: Mmm, wretched thing seems to have packed up again. Still, we're on the right lines. LIZ: Doctor, I still don't understand! DOCTOR: Look...good gracious! (He suddenly notices something on the TV screen and crosses over to it. LIZ follows.) DOCTOR: Lethbridge Stewart! - What on earth's he doing at Space Control? LIZ: Well, something's happened to the Mars Probe. (The television shows CORNISH and MISS RUTHERFORD sat at their desks with the BRIGADIER stood over them.) DOCTOR: Oh, and the Brigadier thinks it's his business? Oh well, I suppose he's got to do something to occupy his mind now that he's blown up the Silurians. (LIZ gives him an impatient look and turns up the sound.) JOHN WAKEFIELD: (OOV: Television commentary.) You can see from the radar screen - er, that's the screen just to the left of Professor Cornish there - that Mars Probe 7 and Recovery 7 are on convergence. This is a tricky moment for controller Ralph Cornish and his team. (The picture changes to that of WAKEFIELD.) JOHN WAKEFIELD: (On television.) The two craft will be linking up in a moment or two... [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM JOHN WAKEFIELD: (To camera.) ...and then we shall know the answer to the mystery that has baffled the world's scientists for seven months. (In the main body of the control room, CORNISH operates a control and VAN LYDEN appears on the main monitor screen.) RALPH CORNISH: Charlie, do you have visual contact with the capsule yet? VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) Not yet. Erm, I'm changing attitude of capsule. (The image swings round until it is almost upside down.) VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) I can see it, I'm up alongside. RALPH CORNISH: Well done, Charlie. Everything looks good. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Ask him if it's definitely Mars Probe 7. RALPH CORNISH: (Scoffs.) What?! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Insistent.) Ask him. RALPH CORNISH: Charlie, can you give us definite identification...it is Mars Probe 7? VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) No doubt about it - I can see the markings. RALPH CORNISH: Fine. Do you hear anything from them? VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) Still nothing. RALPH CORNISH: Try to contact once more before link-up. VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) Okay. RALPH CORNISH: (To the BRIGADIER.) Maybe their...transmitter's too weak to reach us down here. VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) Recovery 7 to Mars Probe. Do you read me? I'm about to initiate Link-up. Do you read me? (To CORNISH.) Nothing Ralph. I'm going to rotate for link up - now. RALPH CORNISH: All right, Charlie - go ahead. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: SPACE (The red cone of Recovery 7 moves closer to the white colour Mars Probe 7.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. RECOVERY 7 (VAN LYDEN speaks into his microphone.) VAN LYDEN: Buffeting slightly. Firing port retro jets to compensate. (He presses a switch and there is a hissing sound as the jet's fire.) VAN LYDEN: Moving in for link-up - now. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: SPACE (Recovery 7 bears down on Mars Probe 7. The two nose cones come closer and closer and then the two craft link.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. RECOVERY 7 VAN LYDEN: I have link-up. RALPH CORNISH: (Over communicator.) Well done, Charlie. Everything looks fine. VAN LYDEN: Activating locking clamps - now. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. UNIT HQ. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR is sitting intently watching the screen. LIZ walks over with a mug of coffee.) JOHN WAKEFIELD: (OOV: Television commentary.) Well, as you've just heard Van Lyden has succeeded in achieving link-up. A beautifully smooth... (LIZ has to taps the DOCTOR'S shoulder for him to realise she is holding out the coffee. He takes it.) LIZ: I thought you weren't interested? JOHN WAKEFIELD: (OOV: Television commentary.) ...controlled operation in rather difficult circumstances. DOCTOR: Well, they've just linked up. LIZ: Anything from the Mars Probe? JOHN WAKEFIELD: (OOV: Television commentary.) The capsules were buffeting slightly just beforehand... DOCTOR: No - not a sound. JOHN WAKEFIELD: (OOV: Television commentary.) ...however Van Lyden made it safely. (The DOCTOR, not thinking, hands the coffee back, untouched. LIZ is now herself engrossed in the television broadcast.) LIZ: Thanks. JOHN WAKEFIELD: (OOV: Television commentary.) This must be a moment... [SCENE_BREAK] 10: SPACE (The two craft remain locked.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM RALPH CORNISH: All right Charlie, talk us through. VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) Injecting air into tunnel - now. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. RECOVERY 7 (VAN LYDEN stands before a control panel.) VAN LYDEN: Air injected into tunnel. RALPH CORNISH: (Over communicator.) Is air holding? VAN LYDEN: Air pressure in tunnel okay - am moving to locking clamps. (VAN LYDEN ducks down and - upside down - floats towards the exit port. This is circular with four clamps.) VAN LYDEN: Releasing...first clamp. (He turns a handle.) VAN LYDEN: First clamp away. Second clamp... (He starts turning it.) VAN LYDEN: I can hear something... [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM RALPH CORNISH: (Calmly.) What is it Charlie? What do you hear? [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. RECOVERY 7 VAN LYDEN: I think they're opening their hatch. Yes, it's them! [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (The BRIGADIER and TALTALIAN look at each other in suppressed excitement. CORNISH remains absolutely calm.) VAN LYDEN: (On monitor.) Second clamp away. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. RECOVERY 7 (VAN LYDEN completes the opening manoeuvres.) VAN LYDEN: Third clamp... fourth...opening hatch. (He turns a central locking wheel and pushes the hatch open. He floats through the door. Immediately there is an oscillating sound reverberating throughout the tunnel. VAN LYDEN'S face contorts with pain...) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (...as do the people in Space Control who clamp their hands to their ears. The sound stops. CORNISH recovers...) RALPH CORNISH: (Into microphone.) Charlie what's happened? (The "over" beep sounds but there is no reply.) RALPH CORNISH: (Into microphone.) Control to Recovery 7 - do you read me? (Another beep...) RALPH CORNISH: (Into microphone.) Control to Recovery 7 - do you read me? (and another...) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. UNIT HQ. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR is staring transfixed at the television.) LIZ: Doctor, what's the matter? What is it? DOCTOR: That sound - I've heard it somewhere before. LIZ: When? (The DOCTOR thinks and slaps his knee in angry frustration.) DOCTOR: That's just it - I can't remember! (He gets to his feet and starts pacing the lab.) LIZ: What do you mean - can't remember? DOCTOR: Don't you understand? It's all up here in my mind. The information's here, but I can't reach it! We'd better go there. (He starts heading for the door.) LIZ: Where? DOCTOR: The Space Centre - it's not far. (He walks out. LIZ runs after him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (MISS RUTHERFORD walks up to CORNISH'S desk with a clipboard. The controller is still at the microphone.) RALPH CORNISH: (Into microphone.) Control to Recovery 7 - do you read me? (The "over" beep sounds again but still there is no reply.) MISS RUTHERFORD: They've run a complete check on all our circuits. There's no trouble this end. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Can you send up another recovery capsule to investigate? RALPH CORNISH: Not immediately. (Into microphone.) Control to Recovery 7, do you read me? (At the back of the room, an impatient TALTALIAN is being interviewed by WAKEFIELD on television.) JOHN WAKEFIELD: Doctor Taltalian, do you have any explanation for that sound we just heard? TALTALIAN: At the moment - no. There is a possibility that it was some kind of static. JOHN WAKEFIELD: Have you ever heard static like that before? TALTALIAN: In space research, one is constantly encountering new and unexpected factors. (He tries to walk away but WAKEFIELD is quietly persistent.) JOHN WAKEFIELD: But will you confirm that all radio contact has been lost with the recovery capsule? TALTALIAN: For the time being yes, but temporary loss of communication is not unusual - for instance when the capsules go behind the moon... JOHN WAKEFIELD: (Interrupts.) But those two capsules are not behind the moon? TALTALIAN: (Angrily.) You can rest assured that everything possible is being done! Now, if you will excuse me... (He storms off. WAKEFIELD turns to the camera.) JOHN WAKEFIELD: (To camera.) Well, as you see, there appears to be no apparent explanation for the sudden breakdown in communication and until the situation becomes clearer, the world must wait and hope... [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. SPACE CENTRE ENTRANCE (The entrance to the Space Centre is a large concrete tunnel leading into a chalk hillside. Signs state that is a restricted area. A VIP's staff car pulls up to the checkpoint and is cleared through the barrier arm. Just before the arm comes down, Bessie zips underneath to the consternation of a security guard.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM RALPH CORNISH: (Into microphone.) Control to Recovery 7, do you read me? (The BRIGADIER looks at the radar screen.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Are they still holding the same position? MISS RUTHERFORD: Yes, they've kept on orbit. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Have you any idea what might have happened to Recovery 7? RALPH CORNISH: (Into microphone.) Control to Recovery 7, do you read me? (MISS RUTHERFORD walks round and talks to the BRIGADIER.) MISS RUTHERFORD: It could have been an excess of electricity in the Mars Probe solar batteries. If Lefee and Michaels died on takeoff from Mars, there's have been no-one to control the power build-up in the solar batteries. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: And that would've affected Recovery...on link-up? MISS RUTHERFORD: When the Capsules were joined the electric circuits linked automatically. Excess electricity in one could have blown all the circuits of the other. (In the background, CORNISH continues his quiet efforts to contact the capsule.) RALPH CORNISH: (Into microphone.) Control to Recovery 7, do you read me? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Would that have killed the man in the Recovery capsule? MISS RUTHERFORD: Not necessarily - he might still be able to unlink and bring himself back, but without communications. (She walks off. At the back of the room next to the radar screen, a lift platform comes up. It carries the DOCTOR and LIZ. The DOCTOR shouts down the lift shaft.) DOCTOR: My dear fellow, I simply don't happen to have a pass! (He listens.) Because I don't believe in them that's why! (Two soldiers run forward and one grabs him. CORNISH looks round at the intrusion.) DOCTOR: Take your hands off me, sir! (He sees the BRIGADIER.) DOCTOR: Ah, there you are. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (To the soldier.) It's all right. I can vouch for these people. (The DOCTOR and LIZ start to walk down into the well of the room.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Doctor, what are you doing here? DOCTOR: That sound - have you heard it again? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: No. DOCTOR: You will. LIZ: He says it's some kind of a message. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, who from? (The DOCTOR walks up to CORNISH'S desk.) DOCTOR: Have you got a recording of that message? RALPH CORNISH: I've no time to talk to the Press. DOCTOR: Quite right, neither have I. Now that sound - have you got a recording of it? RALPH CORNISH: Everything here is recorded. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Now, Doctor, everyone here's got a great deal to do. DOCTOR: No, they haven't - there's nothing anybody can do for the time being. RALPH CORNISH: Brigadier, who is this? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: He's one of my associates. RALPH CORNISH: Will you kindly get "one of your associates" out of here? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Come along Doctor... (He tries to pull him away but the DOCTOR shakes him off.) DOCTOR: (To CORNISH.) Now you listen to me - that sound was some kind of a message - and it's going to be repeated. RALPH CORNISH: (To the BRIGADIER: Calmly.) Will you please get this man out of here? We're trying to save the lives of three astronauts. DOCTOR: Nonsense man, you're doing nothing of the sort! There's nothing you can possibly do... (Suddenly the oscillating "message" is repeated. Again, everyone in the room clutches their ears in agony except for the DOCTOR who closes his eyes and frowns in concentration. The sound quickly stops.) DOCTOR: (To himself.) High frequency accelerated impulses... (To CORNISH.) Now then, I shall need multi copies of that recording, unlimited computer time and somewhere to work. (To LIZ.) Miss Shaw I shall need your help... RALPH CORNISH: How did you know that sound was going to be repeated? DOCTOR: By exercising my intelligence. Now, since we didn't reply, the message would obviously be repeated. Now, we've got to break down that code and answer them. RALPH CORNISH: Answer who? (The DOCTOR turns to the BRIGADIER.) DOCTOR: The man's a fool! (To CORNISH.) How can I possibly tell who the message is from until I know what it says? Let me explain this in very simple terms... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (To CORNISH.) Er, he is trying to help you know - you might find him quite useful. DOCTOR: "Might" find me useful? (The BRIGADIER pulls the DOCTOR out of earshot.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I mean you could help Professor Cornish. He is in charge here. DOCTOR: (Mollified.) Yes...yes, of course. (He goes back to CORNISH.) DOCTOR: Erm, look, my dear fella, do please forgive this intrusion. But you really must let me decode those messages - it could prove of vital importance to the safety of your astronauts. RALPH CORNISH: I suppose we must try everything...but how you can be so sure? (Another high frequency impulses rip through the Centre but this one is slightly different in tone to the previous two. Again, all but the DOCTOR cover their ears in pain. The sound stops.) RALPH CORNISH: (To the DOCTOR.) It seems you're right. I'll see about that computer. DOCTOR: (Quietly.) No, not now... RALPH CORNISH: Do you want to crack the code - send a reply? DOCTOR: That was the reply. (To the BRIGADIER.) Brigadier, I shall need worldwide triangulation immediately. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: But we know where the transmissions were coming from - the capsule in orbit. DOCTOR: The first one's - yes, but not that last one. That was completely different. Now we've got to find out where that was coming from. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I'll get on to it. (He walks off.) RALPH CORNISH: But aren't we too late now? DOCTOR: The message was repeated - perhaps the reply will be. (The DOCTOR sits in MISS RUTHERFORD'S vacant chair.) DOCTOR: All we can do now...is wait. [SCENE_BREAK] 22: SPACE (The two joined capsules hang in space...) JOHN WAKEFIELD: (OOV: Television commentary) The mystery of Mars Probe 7 has deepened. Seven and a half months of total silence and now these strange transmissions for which scientists here have no explanation... [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM JOHN WAKEFIELD: (To camera.) One theory is that it may be some kind of distress signal. (LIZ walks up to where the DOCTOR and the BRIGADIER stand before an illuminated wall map of the world that is projected onto the back wall to the right of the lift platform.) JOHN WAKEFIELD: (OOV: Television commentary) As it is now some hours since the last signal, it's difficult to see what can be done, short of sending up another recovery craft. (The BRIGADIER marks off points on the map...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: That's...Haystack... (...as the DOCTOR reads off the places from a clipboard.) DOCTOR: And Algonquin. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Algonquin. DOCTOR: Arapheba. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Arapheba. DOCTOR: Cambridge. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Cambridge. (In the well of the room, TALTALIAN approaches CORNISH at his desk.) TALTALIAN: I have computerised the factors involved in sending up a second recovery capsule. RALPH CORNISH: What's the minimum time for blast off? TALTALIAN: Ten days. RALPH CORNISH: That's impossible. (Up by the map.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Vorograd. (He marks the spot as LIZ passes the DOCTOR a memo.) LIZ: Tokyo's just promised full co-operation. DOCTOR: Oh, that's good. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Tokyo. Right, that about covers the lot. DOCTOR: Well, if it's from Earth, this could give us the country, but that's not accurate enough - we must pinpoint the exact location. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, we've got every national radio service standing by with monitors. Wherever that signal's coming from, we'll find it. (Back at CORNISH'S desk, TALTALIAN is getting angry...) TALTALIAN: Recovery 8 was not scheduled for lift off until three months from now! RALPH CORNISH: They'll have to speed it up. TALTALIAN: You know they've got problems with the new fuel injection system. (Before he can say anything else, the reply is repeated. Again, they hold their ears in agony.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. TRACKING STATIONS (Around the world, satellite tracking dishes swing into action.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (LIZ is on the phone...) LIZ: (Into phone.) From where? Nancy!...oui... DOCTOR: (To the BRIGADIER.) Something coming through. LIZ: (Into phone.) Oui...merci. (She hangs up, makes a note and hands it to the BRIGADIER.) LIZ: From France. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right. (He marks the map. From several points across the world, illuminated lines converge on Britain.) DOCTOR: Yes - London. (Meanwhile CORNISH continues his conversation with TALTALIAN.) RALPH CORNISH: Can't the Americans do something? TALTALIAN: I have checked. I have no capsule in go condition anywhere. (The BRIGADIER makes a phone call behind them. Back on the upper level, the DOCTOR fiddles with the equipment that projects the wall map. The map of the world is replaced by several star and moon maps. He shouts down to CORNISH.) DOCTOR: Can I get a map of London on this thing? RALPH CORNISH: A what? DOCTOR: A map of London - it's very important. RALPH CORNISH: (With patience.) That machine will give you surface maps of every surveyed planet...but a map of London - no. DOCTOR: Useless gadgets. (He starts to walk off. The BRIGADIER shouts out from his phone call.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Doctor, never mind the map. (Into phone.) Yes...yes fine... yes, thank you, goodbye. (He puts the phone down.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (To the DOCTOR.) My people have just done a local triangulation. DOCTOR: What's the exact location? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: An abandoned warehouse - seven miles from here. [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. FACTORY COMPLEX (The warehouse - part of a disused factory complex - is not just abandoned but somewhat derelict...) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. WAREHOUSE. OFFICE (In a nearly empty office, two men sit over a transmitter. Both wear smart suits. One of them - CARRINGTON - speaks to the other man - GREY - who wears a set of headphones.) CARRINGTON: Run the message again - all the power you've got this time. GREY: Full power, sir? CARRINGTON: Have to risk it. GREY: Right, sir. (GREY gets up and walks over to a piece of machinery as CARRINGTON puts one of the headphones to his ear.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. FACTORY COMPLEX (Outside, the peace and calm of the area is disturbed as a convoy of UNIT jeeps arrives. The BRIGADIER sits in the front passenger seat of the lead jeep. The convoy pulls up in front of the main building. The BRIGADIER gets out and starts shouting orders as the troops jump out of their jeeps.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Out! A Section here, B section there, C section there! (The armed soldiers obey orders and they start to enter the warehouse.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. WAREHOUSE. OFFICE (CARRINGTON is still listening through one of the headphones.) CARRINGTON: That's enough. (GREY switches the machinery off and sits back next to CARRINGTON, donning the headphones.) GREY: Do you think anyone's monitoring us, sir? CARRINGTON: Sure to be. Finding us is another matter. (The door to the office opens and a third man enters.) COLLINSON: Sir - UNIT's outside. CARRINGTON: That's very efficient of them. Keep them off as long as you can. COLLINSON: Yes sir. CARRINGTON: Don't kill anyone unless absolutely necessary. (COLLINSON takes a gun out of his coat pocket and leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. WAREHOUSE (COLLINSON and other men dressed in an assemblage of casual clothing run down an empty corridor and take up positions. They are all armed. They wait as the UNIT troops come into view running between empty packing cases and other abandoned articles. A shot rings out.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Take cover! (The UNIT troops dive for safety behind the packing cases.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. WAREHOUSE. OFFICE CARRINGTON: Send the final transmission. GREY: Have we time, sir? CARRINGTON: The sergeant will hold them off. GREY: Right, sir. (GREY turns a dial on the transmitter...) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. WAREHOUSE (COLLINSON fires his pistol and a UNIT soldier falls back with a cry. COLLINSON nods at some of his men to move forward and they do so. A few remain with him. A pitched battle breaks out between the opposing sides with the opponents rising up from places of concealment behind packing cases, firing and ducking for cover again. One UNIT soldier tries to break cover and head for the passageway leading to where the transmitter is but COLLINSON shoots him. He falls back into a pile of wooden crates. One of COLLINSON'S men fires his pistol and the hand of another UNIT soldier and blasts his rifle away. The BRIGADIER is among those who rise up and fire. COLLINSON runs to where a group of his men are behind a pile of cases. He then leads a charge against the UNIT troops. The BRIGADIER likewise leads a charge over the UNIT barricade. Hand-to-hand combat then breaks out with casualties on both sides. The BRIGADIER fires and then waves his men on...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Follow! (Further firing takes place from behind cases and a metal staircase. A shot narrowly misses the BRIGADIER and plows into the wall behind him. The BRIGADIER shoots down a man on a walkway and continues to fire at the defenders as further fights break out - one UNIT troop receiving several punches to the face until he falls to the floor. As there are further one-to-one fights, COLLINSON tries to make a run for it.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: You can stop right there! (COLLINSON does so. He turns round with his gun pointed at the BRIGADIER who similarly aims at him. The two men stare each other out.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Better put it down... (Behind them, a wounded UNIT trooper starts to struggle up.) COLLINSON: You're...probably right. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: You kill me, my men kill you. Pointless really. (The UNIT soldier gets up and grabs a lifting hoist suspended from the ceiling on a chain.) COLLINSON: Since you put it...like that. (The soldier pulls back the hoist.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right - now! (COLLINSON turns, sees the hoist rushing towards him and runs for the BRIGADIER who he pushes out of the way. He falls to the ground, dropping his gun in the process. COLLINSON runs up a flight of steps, stops and points his gun at the BRIGADIER who gets back to his feet. COLLINSON smiles and tightens his finger on the trigger. Inexplicably, he then drops the gun and holds up his hands in surrender.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Take him. (Two UNIT soldiers step forward with rifles raised and lead him away. The BRIGADIER picks up his pistol and UNIT troops lead the other surrender defendants and their wounded out of the warehouse.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. WAREHOUSE. OFFICE (CARRINGTON bolts the door which leads from the office into the passage.) CARRINGTON: Trigger the self-destructor. GREY: Right sir. (GREY turns a dial marked "time set" on a small black, that sits on top of the radio, into the red zone.) CARRINGTON: Out you go. GREY: Yes sir... (GREY goes to the window and pushes the sash up. He starts to climb out.) GREY: Sir? CARRINGTON: Coming... (CARRINGTON gets a gun out of his jacket pocket as footsteps are heard in the passageway.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: In passage.) All right, open up! (CARRINGTON fires three shots at the floor to keep the UNIT troops back, then climbs out of the window after GREY firing two more shots as he goes. The BRIGADIER pushes the door open and enters with two troops. They fail to see the significance of the black box and as they look over the office, there is an explosion which throws them to the floor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (The DOCTOR storms into the control room with LIZ in tow. He goes up to CORNISH'S desk.) DOCTOR: Look, if I'm to help you people, I need full co-operation. (CORNISH is a calm as ever.) RALPH CORNISH: What's the trouble? DOCTOR: I specified the need for computer time. If I'm to decode those messages, I need a computer. RALPH CORNISH: Go and see Doctor Taltalian - that's his department. DOCTOR: Yes, so he's just informed me. But he's being totally non-co-operative. RALPH CORNISH: I'll talk to him. (CORNISH presses a button and a flat monitor screen rises up out of his desk. TALTALIAN appears on it.) RALPH CORNISH: (To TALTALIAN.) I told you to give the Doctor full cooperation - see that he gets it. TALTALIAN: (On monitor.) Yes, of course I will. RALPH CORNISH: (To the DOCTOR.) Satisfied? (The screen recedes back into the desk.) RALPH CORNISH: Now...if you'll excuse me? DOCTOR: Yes... (The DOCTOR turns and leaves as MISS RUTHERFORD puts her phone down and speaks to CORNISH.) MISS RUTHERFORD: Houston have just called in. They can't raise them either. RALPH CORNISH: Well, that's the least of our worries now. Athens have reported a solar flare build-up - a big one. MISS RUTHERFORD: Well, when do they expect it? RALPH CORNISH: Anytime within the next twenty-four hours. MISS RUTHERFORD: But, they'll never survive a solar flare radiation! You'll have to bring them down on remote control. RALPH CORNISH: They're locked on manual, there's nothing we can do. (He speaks into the microphone.) RALPH CORNISH: Space control to Recovery 7, do you read me? (There is a beep but no reply.) RALPH CORNISH: Space Control to Recovery 7, do you read me? (Another beep.) RALPH CORNISH: Athens has reported a dangerous solar flare build-up. It is imperative you unlock manual control so that we can bring you down. [SCENE_BREAK] 35: SPACE (Aboard the craft...) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. RECOVERY 7 (...CORNISH'S voice comes over a speaker in the empty cabin.) RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy.) I repeat: we have a message from Athens Observatory. There is a massive solar flare building up. The flare is expected any time within the next twenty-four hours. (CORNISH speaks calmly and quietly...) RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Space Control to Recovery 7, do you read me? (...then his voice gets more desperate...) RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Space Control to Recovery 7, do you read me? [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR and LIZ round a corner in the corridor. The DOCTOR carries a computer tape.) DOCTOR: Let's see what he's got to say for himself this time. (They go through a door marked "COMPUTER ROOM".) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. SPACE CONTROL. COMPUTER ROOM (They fail to see TALTALIAN stood behind the door. They walk into the body of the room and TALTALIAN slams the door shut. They spin round as the scientist pulls out a pistol and aims it at them...)

While the Brigadier investigates a loss of contact with Mars Probe 7, the Doctor realises signals coming from the probe are of extra-terrestrial origin.

fd_One_Tree_Hill_07x15

fd_One_Tree_Hill_07x15_0

IN LUCAS'S BED ROOM Brooke : "The girl behind the brown door." Doesn't have the same ring to it. Julian : Hey, Brooke. How you doing? Brooke : Yeah, I'm just watching a teamster paint my adolescence a fugly shade of brown. Julian : Oh. I guess there's a lot of memories around here for you. Brooke : You could say that. In high school, this was Lucas' bedroom. Julian : Mm. Now that burned into my brain, how we, uh, doing on the wardrobe choices for scene 23? Brooke : The big love scene -- Slinky off-the-shoulder, tight-and-revealing. Julian : Nice. I knew hiring you as costume designer was the right move. Brooke : Thank you. Julian : Let me see them on her before I make a decision. Brooke : So...Speaking of high school memories, Haley and Quinn organized that fundraiser dance At Tree Hill High tonight. And I just wanted to tell you in case you were thinking it'd be weird to go. Not that you would. But if you did... It wouldn't. Julian : Uh, thanks, but, you know, we shoot our first scenes tomorrow, And I got a million things to do. Besides, you know what a geek I was in high school. You've seen my yearbook photo. Brooke : Yeah, that's burned into my brain. Julian : Exactly. The day I graduated, I swore I'd never go back. You have fun, though. I'll see you tomorrow. Brooke : See you tomorrow. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Kylie : Clay, I'm here for my morning laps. I even shaved certain... Areas to cut down on my time. And yours. Quinn : Ugh. Just go away already. Kylie : Ugh. Don't tell me you're in there with that miserable slag again. Quinn : Sorry. I'm such a slag. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Mouth : Guys? It's a little early to be surfing for p0rn. Fergie : Don't ever say that. Junk : Don't even think it. We're not looking at p0rn... Yet. Fergie : We're changing your life. Mouth : "cantwaittofindadate.Com" Seriously? Junk : Listen, the best way to get over Millie Is to get right back on the horse -- Preferably a hot, naked, made-to-order horse. And all you have to do is describe your perfect woman. OUTSIDE Clay : Hey, man. Morning. Nathan : Morning? Where the hell are we? We left that charity event in Atlanta early so we could make it back to Tree Hill by morning. Clay : Yeah. Uh, right after you fell asleep last night, it started raining. Nathan : Yeah? Clay : Really hard. Nathan : And? Clay : One might even call it a deluge. Nathan : Clay. Clay : I missed the highway exit And, uh, drove a few hours in the wrong direction. But the good news is that we're only a couple hundred miles outside of Tree Hill, and we're driving a corvette. We'll be home faster than you can say Yao Ming. Nathan : Yao Ming. Clay : So we'll get home this afternoon. Nathan : Clay... There was a reason I had to be home this morning. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Here I come. Hope you guys are ready for me. Jamie : Bacon, crispy. Eggs, scrambled. Milk, chocolate. Haley : Hey! Besides "please" and "thank you," Do you have anything else you would like to say to your mother? Jamie : Uh... Pancakes, blueberry? Haley : I can't believe it. They frickin' forgot my birthday. OUTSIDE Nathan : Haley, listen, my phone is bad to die. Everything's fine -- we're just having some car trouble, so I don't know when we're gonna make it home. But, Haley... Happy Birthday. Clay : Well... According to Gomer Pyle, "they don't got no fancy car tires," So they got to tow it to mount pilot. They'll have it back by tonight. Nathan : Tonight? Come o-- I got to get ahold of Haley. I always go big for her birthday. She'll be expecting something. I... Let me use your phone. Clay : Sure. It's in the car. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Julian : Hey, Alex, I just got the gold script revisions, but I don't see any changes. Alex : That's 'cause there aren't any. Julian : Then why'd we put out pages? Alex : I wasn't gonna let the final script color be salmon. Puke. Julian : Okay. Alex : Hey, so I, um, I saw you talking to Brooke earlier. She practically begged you to go to that dance. Julian : Not quite. I think what she said was "it wouldn't be weird" if I went. Alex : Trust me. She wants you to go. Julian : I think she was just being polite. It's -- it's been weird between us since the breakup. And since when are you so pro Brooke-and-Julian? Alex : Oh, I'm a total "Brulian" fan now. One of the steps of recovery is to make amends for all the wrongs you've done. Julian : You still gonna have time to be in the movie? Alex : Shut up! AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie : Why are we eating with the nice plates? We only do that on holidays and stuff. Haley : I don't know. Maybe it's the birth of a new day. Jamie : Are you feeling all right? Haley : Yeah. Listen, Quinn and I have to leave early to set up for this dance, So junk and Fergie are gonna come over to babysit, okay? Jamie : You only get those guys when you can't find anyone else. Haley : That's not true. You have fun with Junk and Fergie. Besides, the two of them equals one responsible adult. Jamie : I'm not a baby anymore. I'm old enough to stay home by myself. Haley : And I'm old enough to get arrested for child endangerment, which would be my third strike, by the way. Fourth. Quinn : Morning, Jamie! Hey, little sis! It's the big day! Oh, it's no big deal. Haley : Of course it is. Quinn : Today's the day we rescue the endangered arts program at Tree Hill High. What could be bigger than that? Haley : I can't think of a thing. Quinn : Since the theme of the dance is "return to the '80s," I get to fulfill my lifelong dream -- I'm crimping my hair. Haley : While that is very '80s, you may need to rethink your life goals. Quinn : Hmm. Haley : Listen, um, we might be flying solo tonight. I got a message from Nathan and clay. It seems like they're having some car trouble. Quinn : Really? How much you want to bet that's a ploy To get out of wearing parachute pants? I'm gonna go crimp my hair. Haley : Yay. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Alexander : Yeesh. I'd like my margarita blended, no salt. Brooke : Ha ha. I'm thinking about wearing this to the '80s dance at my high school tonight. Alexander : Huh. What a coincidence, 'cause I actually learned everything I know about fashion From "Miami Vice" reruns. Brooke : Brooke : You were born in the wrong decade, my friend. Alexander : Yeah, perhaps. But I do make the perfect date for an '80s dance. Yeah. And by "date," I just mean a guy who wants to go strictly as friends. Yeah, I... I'm just not sure that's really a good idea. Alexander : Come on. The best way for me to meet a hot girl is to have another one on my arm. It's like a magnet. You'd be doing me a favor. Brooke : Okay. We will go as friends. Alexander : Okay, cool. I'll pick you up at 7:00. Oh, and by the way, for the whole magnet thing to work, I'm gonna need you to salvage that train wreck. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Yeah. Quinn? Quinny, are you up there? Jamie : She's pimping her hair. Haley : I hope you mean "crimping."Listen, I have to go run some errands, okay? Please remind Quinn to stay until junk and Fergie get here. Jamie : Sure. Haley : Okay. Mwah. Love you, baby. Have fun tonight. Jamie : I will. Quinn : Hey. Was your mom looking for me? Jamie : Yeah. She wanted me to tell you That she's gonna pick up Junk and Fergie, And you can leave whenever. Quinn : Okay. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Junk : Okay, little bro. No hard feelings. Believe that? Jamie just cancelled on us. He said they went another direction. Fergie : That's cold, man. Junk : Yeah. Where were we? Let's see. Must be a local girl. Hair color, blonde. Eyes, blue. Rockin' bod. Mouth : Oh, come on. Don't be shallow. Give her an I.Q. Of at least 100 and a good sense of humor. Junk : That should be everything. Come on, where's our perfect woman? Mouth : See, guys, that's just it. I've been going along With this little science experiment to show you that the perfect woman doesn't really exist. Junk : Unless she does. Check it out. We found a match. She lives in Tree Hill, and it says she's "searching for a nice guy." Who's nicer than you, mouth? Fergie : There's no photo! Mouth : Of course not. That's because "she" is probably a "he." Okay? Delete my profile. This was a bad idea. OUTSIDE Clay : Hey. I know you want get home as soon as possible, So I think I found us a ride back to Tree Hill. Nathan : Oh, thank god. Clay : Don't thank him just yet. You might want to wait until you see the ride. Nathan : Whatever. Another five minutes, And you were giving me a piggyback ride. Clay : Funny you should say that, actually. The driver says they're real friendly. Nathan : You got to be kidding me. Clay : I wish I were. Man : You boys gettin' in or what? Nathan : You're about to see just how much I love my wife. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie : Hello? Is anyone home? I'm all alone in the house? I'm all alone in the house! Sweet! OUTSIDE Clay : I feel bad, man, 'cause I love bacon. And I love pork chops. And I love ham, you know? But then I met you. Now I'm conflicted. Nathan : Look, I know you're planning On falling insanely in love with that pig, But can we please talk about something else? Clay : Sure. What did you have planned for Haley's birthday? Nathan : Jamie and I bought a ton of decorations. We were gonna do up the whole house. Clay : Sounds nice. Nathan : I was gonna make pork ribs. Clay : What's going on? Man : Well, bridge is out. Probably flooded from the deluge we had last night. Clay : Oh. What'd I tell you? Man : Ain't nobody going nowhere for a while. Nathan : Do you have a map? Thanks. Okay, we are... Okay, we're here. And if we just hike a few miles north, then we'll make it to the next highway. We can just hitch a ride home that way. Clay : I, uh, I-I don't know about that, man. Maybe we should, uh, just -- just wait? 'cause what if we get lost? Nathan : Dude, I'm like a human compass, okay? Come on. Clay : That'll do, pigs. That'll do. Wait up! AT TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL Haley : Hey, Q! Someone wrote "slut" all over your car in lipstick. It's gonna be a bitch getting that off. Quinn : You're right. Her name's Kylie. Haley : Hey, Grubbs. Thank you so much for tending bar tonight. Grubbs : No problem. In high school, I was kind of a band geek. It's nice to come back as a cool bartender. As a moderately cool bartender. It's nice to come back as a bartender? AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Mouth : Can you guys kick in for the pizza for once? I am unemployed, you know. Kylie : Hey, I'm Kylie. Which one of you little maniacs is Marvin McFadden? Mouth : Uh, that's me. Kylie : I'm here for our date. Mouth : I think there's been a mistake. Kylie : Your profile said that you're tall and thin, With a good body and really big...Hands. Oh, my. I hear there's a dance at the school. Do you want to go? Mouth : No. Well, I mean, yes, but ... It's just that... Why are you on a dating? You could get a date with anyone on the planet. You're not, like, a dude, are you? Kylie : Satisfied? Mouth : Yeah. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie : Yeah. Yeah. Ugh! Oh, no. It's mom's birthday. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Julian : I just want to say how grateful I am that you're all taking this ride with me. Now let's go make someone's favorite movie! It sounded better in my head. Alex : Don't worry. I'll start the slow clap for you if no one else does. Julian : What are you still doing here? Alex : Well, it just occurred to me that you spent the entire day making everyone else feel ready for tomorrow. How do you feel? Julian : Nervous. I...I've been around movie sets my whole life, but I've never been in the director's chair. Alex : I was pretty nervous, to for my first big part. But I just kept asking myself, "How would Julia Roberts do it?" She's my favorite actress. So who's your favorite director? Julian : John Hughes. You know, "Ferris Bueller," "Breakfast club," "Sixteen candles." Those weren't just movies about teenagers. They were about the struggle everyone has to find themselves. Talk about a director with a clear vision. I-I'd like to make a movie half as good as his. Alex : Then why don't you take a cue from John Hughes? Clear your vision. Take the night off and come to the school. Maybe even dance with Brooke. Julian : I don't know, Alex. Um... I have to find an outfit from the '80s. Alex : Actually, I've got that covered. I thought you might change your mind. But just so we're clear -- this is not a date. It's not even date-ish. OUTSIDE FRONT OF CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : Not bad. Alexander : Brooke Davis -- stunning in any decade. AT TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL Haley : Hi, everyone! Thank you so much for coming out and supporting the arts! Quinn : So, please, everyone, give what you can And have a gnarly, totally tubular time! Um...Oh. Where's the beef? Oh. Okay, um, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... Cheap trick! AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Junk : You notice how Kylie smelled like strawberries? Fergie : Yeah. Junk : Mouth totally owes us. Ooh. It's a text from Haley. "How's it going with Jamie?" AT TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL Brooke : Alexander Coyne, this is Haley James Scott. Alexander : Hey. I'm a big fan. Haley : Oh, thanks. I am -- I am, too, of your detective work with tubbs. Brooke : You know, this is a big night for Haley. When we were in high school, She was always trying to bring back the '80s fashion. You got your wish! Haley : Oh, I did! I did. Um, excuse me. Brooke : 'kay. Haley : Grubbs, make me something...Strong. What? You need to see my I.D.? Grubbs, you flatter me. Grubbs : Wow. I had no idea. You're 5'4". Haley : Thank you. Good talk, Grubbs. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Junk : I swear, I'm gonna kill that kid. Come on. AT TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL Mouth : So, your profile said you like to dance. Kylie : Maybe after a few more drinks. I'll be right back. Mouth : What her profile should have said is "like Millie on steroids." Kylie : It took me four hours To get the smoothie out of my hair, bitch. Quinn : Yes, well, I'm the one who has to drive home In a car with "slut" written all over it. Kylie : I was just trying to increase your chances of getting rear-ended. Quinn : Look, I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have poured smoothie on you. I apologize. Truce? Kylie : How american of you to pick a fight that you can't win. And just so you know, Clay told me that he didn't believe in love. So good luck with that. OUTSIDE Nathan : The highway's this way. I think. Clay : You look on the bright side, Nate -- I mean, if we actually live through this thing, think of the endorsement deals. I mean, on GPS units alone. Like, "I never would've gotten lost If it had only been for my --" Nathan : Shut up! Please shut up! Clay : Trying to make conversation. Nathan : That's the thing -- you're talking. You're always talking, man. Clay : Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that the human compass needed complete silence to concentrate. You know, maybe we should have stayed with the pigs. 'cause it seems to me that you've gotten us lost. Nathan : Me? We wouldn't even be here right now if you hadn't insisted on driving to Atlanta For a guys' road trip. If you hadn't have missed Tree Hill in the rain, If you hadn't have driven over those tire spikes, I would be home right now, clay! I'm on the road for half the year! The least I can do is be home for my wife's birthday. Clay : Nate, I know Haley. She'll understand. Nathan : Well, she shouldn't have to. You'd know that if you were ever married. Clay : Yeah, you're right. I guess I would've. I'm going this way. Nathan : That's -- clay, that's not the right way! Clay : Yeah, I know. You're the human compass. You know what? Just do whatever the hell you want. I'm going this way. AT TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL Julian : It's amazing how you can enter the building a functioning adult and immediately revert to the geek you were in high school. Alex : I'll tell you a secret. I was a geek, too. I wore headgear until the end of my sophomore year. Julian : There she is. Alex : So, geek, why don't you take a chance and ask the popular girl to dance? Julian : Maybe because the popular girl is already here with somebody else. Alex : I'm sure it's not what it looks like. Julian : It's okay. It wouldn't be the '80s without a cameo by Crocodile Dundee. I just wish he wasn't on a date with Brooke. Brooke : Of course he showed up with Alex. It's a retro dance, after all. Why should I expect anything new? Alex : Just go talk to her. We might be in a high school, but we're not in high school. Brooke : Come on. Julian : Oh, god, they're coming this way. Come on, let's hide. Alex : Correction -- we're definitely back in high school. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Junk : Just, uh, grab that flower pot. Looks like we're gonna have to break a window. Ah! Fergie : Ah! Junk : I'm hit! I'm hit! Hold up! Hold up! Hold up! Hold up! Jamie, wait! It's us! Jamie : Oh. Hey, guys. Are you gonna tell my parents? Junk : What, that we were stupid enough to fall for your little prank? Not if you don't. Jamie : Okay, deal. But I need your help. IN TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL HALL Haley : My locker was down there. Brooke : Mine was over here. Do you remember how Lucas pimped it out the first day of senior year? I wonder if the combination still works. Haley : Brooke Davis. Brooke : What? Haley : Shut up! That's so bad! Brooke : Oh. Haley : Looks like she really loves him. Brooke : Do you ever think things were simpler then? Haley : What, the love triangle between you, Lucas, and Peyton? No. No. Brooke : Yeah. I guess love's never simple. Haley : All right. What actually happened with you and Julian? Because I do not understand why you're not together. Brooke : He's here with Alex. Haley : So are you. The boy version. Brooke : That's different. He made it clear that she's his priority right now, and I think he has feelings for her. Whether or not he admits that, I can't be the girl who's with the guy who's in love with someone else. Not again. Kylie : Tell me about it. Hey, is there someplace around here a girl can lie down? Oh, this -- this'll do.Haley : Are you okay? Kylie : Yeah. I...just need a little break. Haley : Who is she? Brooke : I don't know. Okay, just, um... You...Take care. Kylie : Ow! Ow! Wait! Ow. AT TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL Julian : g'day, mate. What can I get you? No, let me guess -- foster's? Alexander : Yeah, uh... Hey, uh, I guess it's weird for you that I'm here with Brooke. But, you know, just for the record, I'm actually a nice guy. Julian : Okay, nice guy. Well, also for the record -- If you ever hurt her, I will hunt you down across the outback. And I'm not talking about the steakhouse. Although, I will hunt you down there, as well. Alexander : Fair enough. Well, uh, thanks for the beer, mate. Julian : I wouldn't last five minutes in the outback. IN TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL HALL Kylie : Hey, can you help? My hair's stuck in the bloody door. Quinn : How did that happen? Actually, I don't want to know. Never mind. I'll go find someone. Kylie : No, don't go. I'm sorry I was such a bitch before. Quinn : It's okay. Kylie : No. It's not. It -- it's just... Clay told me that he didn't believe in love. And then you come along, and I realized what he really meant was that he didn't believe in love with someone like me. Quinn : Kylie, there's more to it than that. Kylie : No. Guys see me as a body, someone to shag. I'm lucky if they even buy me breakfast. Here. Cut it. Quinn : What? No way. Kylie : Ugh. It's just hair. It's gonna grow back. Quinn : No. You're drunk. And why do you have scissors in your purse? Kylie : I was gonna slash your tires. Quinn : Oh. Kylie : Just cut my hair, you bitch. Plus, it will still smell like strawberries, anyway. OUTSIDE Nathan : I can't believe it. You were right. Clay : Imagine that. It might be nice if you gave me the benefit every now and then Instead of just the doubt. Nathan : You're right, man. I was -- I was out of line back there. I'm sorry. Clay : Nate, there's something that I've never told you. And I don't know why I've never told you, but I just didn't. I used to be married... Before you and I met. Her name was Sara. Nathan : Right. She leave you after you started sleeping with all those women? Clay : No. Actually, she died. Nathan : Geez, Clay. I... I'm sorry, man. I thought -- I thought you were joking. Why didn't you ever tell me this? Clay : I was your agent. Nathan : And then you became my friend. Clay : Look, I know that I should have told you a long time ago, But I'm telling you now Because I get how hard it is for you... Being away from Haley so much. Clay : Whoa, slow, slow, slow! No, whoa, whoa! Woman : Aah! Don't hurt me! Clay : Ma'am, no, no. We're not gonna hurt you. It's just my friend here -- You see, he's been wandering through the woods For the entire day, and all he wants to do is get back to Tree Hill So he can spend the next few hours home with his wife to celebrate her birthday. Woman : You're Nathan Scott. Clay : You're a basketball fan, huh? Woman : Well, I do live in North Carolina, honey. I can take you back to Tree Hill. But I only have room for one. Clay : Tell Haley I said happy birthday. Nathan : There's no way I'm leaving you out here. Clay : No, it's okay. I'll catch the next ride. Nathan : Clay, come on. Clay : Nate. Go be home with your wife. Go. Thanks. Clay : Please tell me you didn't kill that nice lady and dump her body because there's no way I can spin that. Nathan : No, I just bought her car. Get in. Let's go home. Clay : Nice. OUTBACK Brooke : It's funny. I always had a thing for the guys in shop class. Julian : What happened to your date? Brooke : Come on. We're just friends. Julian : Ah, the irony is palpable. Brooke : You know I wasn't trying to make you jealous, right? You said you weren't coming, So... Why did you? Julian : It was a misguided attempt to find some clarity on the night before the biggest day of my professional life. But going back to high school just makes me feel like a geek. Not exactly a confidence booster. Brooke : Well, I've seen my share of '80s movies, and if I've learned anything is that nothing boosts the geek's confidence like a kiss from the cheerleader. I'll see you at work tomorrow. You're gonna do great. Julian : Hey, Brooke? This isn't gonna be easy, is it? You and I being friends. Brooke : No. But it's better than not being in each other's lives at all. OUTSIDE Alexander : Hey, there. I'm Alexander. You have any idea where our dates are? Alex : Hopefully somewhere together. Alexander : That doesn't bother you? Alex : Some advice, from one Alex to another -- Don't fall in love with Brooke Davis. Those two are gonna end up together, Even if they don't know it yet. Alexander : Yeah, okay. Um, well, how do you know, then? Alex : Brooke still loves Julian. And I know because... So do I. Haley : Well, whose car is this? Nathan : It's yours. Happy birthday, Hales. Haley : Oh! Mouth : It's not that bad. Kylie : Bollocks. It looks bloody awful. But you have been a trooper. So we can go and have a shag. Mouth : I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this, but, um... I can't. I mean, I can, but... We can't. Kylie : Right. So your flat or mine? Mouth : No, I'm serious. It's not that I don't want to. Believe me, I do. It's just... my ex-girlfriend, who is also my roommate. It's messy. But we could go get some pancakes, maybe soak up some of that alcohol. Mouth : Your profile was right. You are a nice guy. It's good to know there's still a few out there. Thank you. Quinn : Hey! Mouth : Are you ready to move on? Kylie : Yeah. Clay : Mmm. I'm sorry I missed your dance. Quinn : It's okay. Clay : Is this where you went to school, huh? Quinn : Yeah. Clay : Show me around? Quinn : Okay. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Well, I guess Junk and Fergie actually did a good job. Maybe we should bump them up on the babysitting list. Nathan : Let's get him to bed. Jamie : Happy birthday, mama. Haley : Thank you, baby. Nathan : What are you gonna wish for? Haley : I already have everything I ever wanted. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Julian : So I just want to say how grateful I am that you're all taking this ride with me. So, let's make someone's favorite movie. Man : Picture's up. Roll camera. We're rolling. Spinning. Scene 34, take one. Julian : And action!

In the chaos surrounding an '80s alumni dance at the high school, Haley's birthday is forgotten, Jamie is left home alone, and Nathan and Clay are stranded 200 miles from Tree Hill. Meanwhile, Brooke's appearance at the dance with Alexander forces Julian to relive his dorky adolescence in an episode dedicated to the memory of John Hughes. This episode is named after a song by Simple Minds .

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[Scene: The deck of Pacey's boat. Pacey's cleaning on the top of the deck when Melanie comes walking up to the boat behind him.] Melanie: hey, don't I know you from somewhere? Pacey: Well, I don't know. All of us male models tend to look the same. Melanie: I don't know... you vaguely resemble this boy I had the time of my life with last summer. Pacey: Come on up here. Melanie: [Laughs] Pacey: Melanie Shea Thompson. [Laughs] I always had this funny feeling that your and my paths were gonna cross again. What took you so long? Melanie: I, uh, got busy. Pacey: Got busy... kind of sounds like code for you started dating guys more appropriate to your station in life. Melanie: There was a guy. Didn't work out, though. So is this what you do all day? Boat stuff? Shouldn't you have a job, or something? Pacey: I do actually have a job. Melanie: Wait. My cute, slacker boyfriend went and got himself a job? Pacey: Yeah. You ever heard of civilization? Melanie: As in the hippest restaurant in town? You work there? Pacey: That's me. Melanie: Wow. Talk about shattering a girls faith in the natural order of the universe. Pacey: What did you expect? Your uncle was just gonna let me live on his boat free-of-charge for the rest of my life? I had to do something to pay the rent. Melanie: Well, actually, that, um... that leads me to why I'm here. I've got some bad news for you. My uncle sold the boat. Pacey: Well, that sucks. Melanie: Yeah. But I have good news, too. My uncle selling the boat is true, but what I failed to tell you is that he bought another boat... a bigger boat, an 8o-foot shipyard schooner, to be exact, and he sent me down her to ask you if you wanted to sail around the Greek islands with him. Well, I volunteered, actually. Pacey: Are you kidding? Melanie: I kid you not. It leaves in 3 days. All you gotta do is remember to get your butt to the airport. Pacey: Interesting. Melanie: Interesting? Is that all you have to say? What happened to the guy who was ready to take the next boat out of here? Pacey: He's still present and accounted for. Just say you caught him a little bit off guard. Melanie: Well, I should go before this boat stirs feelings that I have neither the time nor the luxury to act on. Pacey: [Laughs] Melanie: But think about it, Pacey. It's the real deal. [She leaves and he just sits there on the deck of the boat.] Pacey: [Sighs] [Opening Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Jen and Gram' Bathroom. Jen is in the bathroom putting on her makeup when Dawson comes to the open door and knocks on it.] [Knocks] Dawson: Safe to come in? Jen: A woman at work. Enter at your own risk. Dawson: They're showing last year's senior thesis films at Vis-Arts after registration. Want to join me? Jen: [Sighs] I would, but after bluffing my way through a philosophy midterm, which I am praying is multiple choice, then I have to go to the radio station and do a shift. Dawson: Ok. Let's grab dinner tonight or something. It's been a while since we just hung out. Jen: I can't. I have to take publicity stills down at the station. Dawson: You know, I never really thought you were that into makeup. Jen: You have no idea how much makeup it takes to look like you're really not that into makeup. Dawson: I thought I knew all your secrets. Jen: You'll never know all a girl's secrets. Dawson: You wouldn't happen to know the secret of where my toothbrush is, would you? Jen: It has a blue handle, doesn't it? Dawson: That's the one. Jen: [Sighs] Yeah... I thought it was old and used it to separate my eyelashes. I'm sorry. Dawson: That's all right. I'll just use yours, if it's ok? Jen: Actually... Dawson: Jen, we've been sleeping together for 3 weeks. Jen: I know, but it's my toothbrush. Dawson: Ok. All right. No problem. Ahem. That is quite an extensive dental floss collection you've got going there. Jen: Well, there's a lot of different varieties, with a lot of different applications. [] You know what-- Dawson, please. That's my drawer. Dawson: Yes, it is. Jen: I'm sorry. I don't mean to freak you out. I'm Dawson: takes a lot more than that to scare me. [He kisses her]Good morning. [Scene: Prof. Wilder's Classroom. He is lecturing the class as he walks around, taking notice of a certain boy who is transfixed with the back of Joey's head.] Wilder: Wilder: Of course, writing a first novel is a major undertaking, and it could be argued that like, say... getting married, it's not something one should attempt before the age of 25. However, that is not going to stop us from trying. So for next time, I want you to read the first 2 books on your syllabus. One's a masterpiece, the other a dismal, horrific failure. If you can't tell which is which, you might want to rethink your schedules. Ok? [He looks around but no one answers.] We good? Till next time. [Everyone gets up to leave] Wilder: Not so fast, miss potter. [she stays behind as everyone except the boy leaves] Joey: Hi. Wilder: Hi. Joey, is there anyone in this class with whom you would wish to become better acquainted? Joey: Is this a trick question? Wilder: I have a sneaking suspicion that boy in the back there is waiting to talk to you. Elliot! Elliot sawyer. His name's Elliot. Had him for freshman comp. Elliot, are you waiting to talk to me? Elliot: Um... no. Wilder: And is your shoe actually untied? Elliot: No, not so much. Wilder: I'm rarely wrong about these things. Elliot, we're you attempting to flirt with this girl over here. Elliot: No. No, I was just Wilder: oh, that's too bad. Guess you're not half the man I thought you were. [he leaves them alone] Elliot: You don't remember me, do you? Joey: Should I? Elliot: I sat behind you in econ. Joey: Well, I usually try to face front. The teachers really seem to respond to it. Elliot: Well, I met you back at that party at the beginning of the year. That Boston bay party. Joey: Right. Sure. Elliot: Listen, uh... a lot of weird things happened that night. Joey: Can't argue with that. I should probably go. I have another class. Elliot: Right. Hey. Which way you headed? South campus or Joey: uh, north. Elliot: Ahem. Well, I could walk you there. Maybe we could, uh, stop and get a cup of coffee or something. Joey: Um, actually, I'm kind of late to meet my roommate. Right. Well, I guess I'll see you around then. [Scene: The radio station. Jen is on the air with her Radio Show.] Jen: All right, people, this is Jen Lindley on 96.6, WBCW, coming at you with 4 hours of pure, unadulterated, kick-ass rock. And if you ask me, not that you did, but I'm gonna tell you anyway, that's the problem with music today, is that nobody rocks anymore. I mean, you've got your Britney, you've got your N'Sync, blah, blah, blah. But where is the rock, I ask you? And so with this, I give you the stylings of Tenacious D, with their rousing little ditty, Explosivo. [CD skips] Ow! Oh, gee, I'm awfully sorry. That was not supposed to happen. My apologies. Uh... ok, this wouldn't be a problem if I had another song selected, but that's just not my process. That's not how I work. So I am going to... I am going to take a request. Hi. Girl: Hello? Jen: You're on the air. Girl: Hi. Can I ask you something? Jen: Yeah. Sure. But, um... I should lay the ground rules here, I will not, under any circumstances, play Limp Bizkit. Just so you know. Ok? Girl: Actually, I was gonna ask you if you had a boyfriend? Jen: [Laughs] Yeah. Actually, I do. Um...although it's kind of hard to think of him as my boyfriend 'cause I've known the guy for years, but, yes, I do. Girl: Well, I have a boyfriend, and we seem to be having this problem, and I need to talk to someone about it. Jen: Ok. Um... shoot. Girl: Ok. We just started having s*x, and I like him a lot, don't get me wrong, but... Jen: the s*x... yes? Girl: Well, more often than not, it tends to be somewhat... abbreviated. Jen: Oh, I see. Well, fear not, my dear girl, you are not alone here. This is actually a problem that can be solved. Girl: How? Can you help me? Jen: Well, um, the first thing that you have to understand is the truly fragile nature of the male ego. [Scene: The frat house. Jack and Dawson are unloading the car and moving Jack in.] Dawson: This is a big step, man. You excited? Jack: Yeah. Living in the house is gonna be a blast. Dawson: What about Jen and grams? Jack: Oh, I love 'em both, but I need a life. Besides, Jen and I have been doing this will and grace thing for far too long. We just need a break from each other. Dawson: [Laughs] Jack: Yeah. Besides, she's made it painfully obvious that she is not too fond of the whole fraternity world. It's better this way. Do me a favor? Dawson: Sure. Jack: Take care of her for me.. Dawson: Dawson: [Laughs] Absolutely. [the go upstairs to Jack's new room.] Jack: Wow! Blossom: Jack. How are you, man? Jack: Hey, good to see you. Blossom: You, too. Dawson, right? Dawson: Yeah. Blossom: Hey. How you doing? Dawson: Great room. Blossom: Yeah. Yeah, jack really lucked out. Jack: My own bathroom? I've never had my own bathroom. Blossom: Yeah. You gotta watch the hot water, though. It doesn't last long in the mornings. Jack: What? You used to live here? Blossom: Yeah. Yeah. But I'm moving on to bigger and better things. Jack: How'd I get so lucky? Blossom: Usual way. Lottery. We randomly assign numbers and uh... hey, you came up a winner. Jack: Sweet! Dawson: Jack, this will fit your p0rn collection, right? Jack: Yeah. That's funny. He's kidding. Blossom: Hey, that's the beauty of having a single. 100% privacy. [Eric comes into the room] Eric: Hey, you looking for me, man? Blossom: Yeah, gimme a hand with this. Eric: Hey, jack. Jack: What's up, Eric? Blossom: Ready? One, 2, 3, lift. Jack: All right. It's gonna look sweet in our room. Blossom: You guys are rooming together? Jack: Yeah. Down at the end of the hall. Why don't you come visit, man. It's gonna be a major party room. Blossom: Yeah. Yeah. I will. Jack: And you, too, Dawson. Dawson: Will do. [They carry out a bar] Jack: That's a little weird. Dawson: What? Jack: Well, blossom is an upperclassman, and Eric is a new active and they're rooming together. What's that all about? Dawson: Why is that weird? Jack: Come on, man. Would you give this room up? [Scene: The restaurant. Danny and Audrey are there talking] Danny: Audrey. Audrey: Danny. Danny: Table 6. Audrey: What about it? Danny: They're not happy. Audrey: Can't say I blame them. The salmon's kind of gross today. Sucks to be you. [Pacey walks up to join them] Audrey: Hey, gorgeous! Danny: You never call me gorgeous. Audrey: That's because you're old enough to be my father, Danny. Danny: Ouch. How you doing, Witter? Pacey: I'm really good, Danny, but I need to talk to you. Danny: No. Pacey: No? Danny: No. Here's the first rule. File it away for someday when you're running your own kitchen. When an employee asks to speak with you, just say no. It's much easier that way. I mean what are the chances that his or her question are gonna actually yield positive results. Ooh, before I forget, you know Ephram? Pacey: Yeah. The guy with all the prison tattoos. Danny: Yeah. Had to 86 him. Pacey: How come? Danny: He's back in prison. Pacey: Seriously? Danny: Yep. Guy's a freak, but man, is he a genius with bread. Good stuff. An idiot savant. Moment of silence. Ok, let's move on. I need a new bread baker, which is where you come in. Pacey: Me? Danny: Yeah. Bread is an art, Pacey, and today, you're gonna take that first step towards becoming that artist. You think you're up for it? Pacey: Well Danny: I sense doubt. But, Pacey, you're good, Pacey. You are good. You are by far the most naturally gifted culinary freak I have ever had the good fortune to stumble across. A bit rough around the edges, yes... but the force is strong in you, kid. I'm serious. I don't know what I'd do without you around here. Man: Danny! Danny: Coming! To be continued, ok? [SCENE_BREAK] Pacey: Ai-yi-yi. Audrey: What's up with you? You look all perturbed. Pacey: I do? Audrey: Yeah. Something wrong? Pacey: Nah. It's nothing. Order up. [Sighs] [Scene: Grams' Kitchen. Grams is at the table playing a hand held game, really intently when Dawson comes into the kitchen.] Grams: [Sighs] Jack left this behind. I think it must be the work of the devil. It's had me under it's spell for 2 hours now. [Sighs] So how was registration, Dawson? Dawson: Uh... a little weird. I don't really fit in there. Grams: Why? Dawson: Well... because I'm not really that mad at the government, and I don't smoke clove cigarettes, and apparently, I don't know nearly enough about the French new wave. Grams: Oh, well, you'll just have to show them a thing or 2. Won't you? Dawson: That's right. Grams? I, um... I just wanna say, I... [Sighs] It's gotta be weird for you seeing Jen and me together... under your own roof, no less, and I want you to know that I think your granddaughter's amazing. Grams: That's very sweet of you, Dawson. And--and--you're right. It has been a bit strange. But I like to think I've come a long way over the past few years with Jennifer's help. Once upon a time, I couldn't even say the word "pen1s." Dawson: You know what, it would... it would be fine by me if you never said it again. [Both laugh] Grams: Can do. Dawson: Whatever ground rules you decide to set, I promise to abide by them. Grams: Dawson, you are just about the nicest young man I know. With the exception of jack, of course, who we all know will never make an honest woman out of my Jennifer. All I ask is that you be kind to each other, and you'll never hear so much as a peep out of me. Deal? Dawson: Deal. Grams: Speaking of Jennifer, she's on the radio right now. [SCENE_BREAK] Jen: Meryl, you're on the air. Meryl: First of all, Jen, I just wanna say, I think you're doing an awesome job. Jen: Thank you. Meryl: Second of all, I've been dating the nicest, sweetest guy for 3 months now, and everything's been awesome. But all of a sudden he started... Jen: pulling away? Meryl: Totally. Jen: Yeah. Well, it's been 3 months. The honeymoon period's coming to an end. Meryl: What can I do? Jen: [Sighs] I feel for you, sister. I really do. I wish I had some sort of magical answer, but the harsh reality is that there is no Santa Claus, professional wrestling is fake, and eventually, one way or another, men leave. Meryl: There must be something you can do. Jen: Well, frequent s*x usually helps, for a while. Keeping some things to yourself is actually really good, but honestly, unless you're blessed with a proclivity for other women, the best way to deal with men is the same as any other major disaster. You gotta know what's coming, and you have to be prepared. So... listen, hold the line, Meryl, and during the break I'll supply you with a list of essential reading and viewing materials. [Dawson Turns down volume] Grams: [Sighs] Jennifer, she's... always had quite a flair for the provocative. Dawson: Yeah, she has. Grams: I am certain she doesn't really believe all that. She's probably just fanning the flames of popular culture. Dawson: Yeah. [Scene: The book store. Joey, is going through the books, when she finds one written by someone she knows. She pulls it down and we see that it was written by Prof. Wilder, who is walking up behind her.] Wilder: Don't believe the blurbs. They're all bought and paid for. Joey: You wrote this? Wilder: Shameless, isn't it, assigning my own work? That's the only way that monstrosity has managed to stay in print all these years. Go ahead, read the first one. Joey: "A whiz-bang ride through the twisted soul of... Neal Pollack." Wait a second, as in... Wilder: the greatest living American writer? Absolutely. Relatively meaningless, however, since I happened to be sleeping with his stepdaughter at the time. Joey: [Gasps] So she's the girl in the book. Wilder: And how do you know there's a girl in the book? Joey: Well, there's always a girl in the book. Wilder: You know, ms. Potter, you're getting a little too sassy for your own good here. Pretty soon you're gonna have all the boys in my class flirting with you, not that it's any of my business. Joey: So what's it about? Wilder: Well, a bunch of friends, living together, sleeping together, sleeping with each other's friends-- it's very incestuous-- featuring, of course, a thinly veiled version of me when it was 20, whoo! Joey: You wrote this when you were 20? Wilder: Yeah, pretty disastrous haircut, huh? [she turns it over to see him younger with a bad haircut] Wilder: But you know what they say? It never hurts to remain on a first-name basis with the person you used to be, otherwise he, or she, may come back to haunt you when you least expect it. And don't stay up all night reading it, please. [Scene: The restaurant. Pacey is sitting at a table alone when Audrey comes by setting the tables.] Audrey: Hey. Pacey: Hey. Audrey: So... are you gonna tell me what's wrong or am I gonna have to punch you in the face? Pacey: How are you so sure there's something wrong with me? Audrey: Well, because usually you're so high energy, which can be kind of annoying, but I have to say something-- high-energy Pacey is way cooler than sullen Pacey. Pacey: I got offered a job. Audrey: Mmm, so that's a good thing, right? Pacey: Yes, it is most definitely a good thing. Audrey: At another restaurant? Pacey: No, on a boat. Audrey: A restaurant on a boat. That's kind of weird. Pacey: No, a boat-boat, the kind that sails around the world and takes me with it. Audrey: Oh, I get it. Sorry. So what's the problem? That's, like, your whole thing, right? The young man and the sea routine. Pacey: Well, thank you for making it sound so stupid, but, yes, it is my thing, and I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I was ecstatic at the prospect of getting back out there. Audrey: But... Pacey: but... I'm having a bit of trouble broaching the subject with Brecher. Audrey: Why? Pacey: I have the sneaking suspicion he's gonna be a little disappointed in me. Audrey: Why, because civilization can't function without you? Pacey: No, because he's taken a lot of time and energy to teach me what he knows. Audrey: So stay. Pacey: Well, this is the opportunity I've been waiting for all year. Audrey: So go. Pacey: You know, I'm always amazed by what a help you are, Audrey. Audrey: [Laughs] Listen... Pacey, sailing out into the great wide open, it sounds like an awesome opportunity to me, and if that's what you want to do, you should do it. [Scene: The Frat House. Blossom comes into Jacks room where Jack is waiting for him..] Blossom: You looking for me? Jack: Yeah. Blossom: What's up? Jack: [Sighs] Listen, is there any, uh... any reason you decided to give up this room? Blossom: Not really. I just wanted a change of scenery this year. You ok? Jack: Man, when I joined this fraternity, I was just hoping to blend in, you know, be one of the guys. I don't want any special treatment. Blossom: Jack, you're one of us. No one thinks of you as being any different. Jack: Really? Then--then why didn't anybody want to r-room with me? Blossom: Jack... we're glad you're here, seriously. Jack: I'm serious, too, blossom. Come on, man. What--what's the story here? Blossom: [Sighs] Ok, look... originally, you were assigned a roommate, and he was a little uncomfortable about rooming with you, and I thought I needed to be sensitive to this guy's feelings, but by the time he came to me people were already settling in, so it--it was too late to rearrange everyone. This seemed like the easiest solution. Jack: Yeah. It's Eric, right? Blossom: It doesn't matter. Jack: You said it was too late to rearrange everybody, and it's a little unusual you rooming with a freshman, right? Blossom: Jack, I'm sorry. All right? I'm sorry. I really didn't see this coming. All right, I'll, uh, I'll catch you later, buddy. Jack: [Sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Restaurant. Danny is in the Kitchen preparing food when Pacey comes up to talk to him.] Pacey: Hey, Danny, look, uh, I need to talk to you for a second, ok? Danny: Yeah, look, I gotta go out and meet the butcher, kid, all right? Give me a couple of minutes. Pacey: No, Danny, Danny, Danny! This is really important. I need to talk to you for just one second, ok? Danny: All right, kid, you got 2 minutes. Pacey: Ok, this is very hard for me to say to you, but Danny: you're not gonna quit again, are you, kid? Out with it. Pacey: You remember how over the summer I told you I was working on a yacht down in the Caribbean? Danny: Vaguely, yeah. Pacey: I've been given that same opportunity again. Danny: What, this summer? Hey, that's great. I mean, I'll miss you, but it's easy to find summer help. Pacey: It's not for the summer. It's for right now. Danny: Now-now? Pacey: Yes. Like 3 days from now-now. Danny: Wow. So this is what you want? You're gonna do this? Pacey: Well, yeah, this is what I've always wanted. Danny: Well, hey, good for you, kid. Pacey: I mean, I--I'm really sorry that I gotta give you such short notice, 'cause they just told me Danny: hey, come on. Look, don't worry about it, all right? Look, it's a small price to pay for the opportunity of a lifetime, right? Pacey: Well-- all right. Danny: Hey, hey! [Bangs pan] We're losing another one, guys. The kid here is off to do bigger and better things, so let's give him a proper send-off, huh? All: Hey! Danny: And that's about it. I gotta go meet the butcher, but, uh, look, if I don't see you, kid, good luck out there. Pacey: Thanks. [Danny leaves and Pacey just watches on confused.] [Scene: The restaurant. Later that evening, Pacey and Audrey are finishing up the closing duties.] Audrey: So...how did he take it? Pacey: He was really great about it, actually. Audrey: I don't know why you're so surprised. Pacey: What do you mean? Audrey: I don't know why you're surprised he was great about it. I mean, the people that care about you, they just want you to be happy, right? Pacey: Well, yeah, of course, but I-- I don't know, I just-- I expected him to be more... Audrey: disappointed. Pacey: Right. Audrey: Maybe you just wanted him to be a little bit more disappointed. Not that you would ever admit it, Pacey, but did you ever stop and think that you might actually like it here-- I mean, this restaurant, this city, this pathetic, yet undeniable thing you've got called a life here? Pacey: Yeah. All of which really pales in comparison to the view from the deck of a yacht in the middle of the Caribbean. Audrey: All right, all right. You're gonna make me seasick. [Chuckles] And then, of course, I mean... there is that other reason, too. Pacey: Oh, yeah? What's that? Audrey: Duh. You totally want me. Pacey: Audrey, if you're attracted to me, you can just say so. We don't have to play all these childish games. Audrey: Hmm, Pacey... you're really nice and everything. It's just that... I don't know. You're kind of... boring. Pacey: Boring? I'm boring! You think I'm boring?! Audrey: Yeah, I don't know. It's hard to explain really. It's just the whole walking on water thing. It doesn't really do it for me. Pacey: I'm not boring. I am not boring. Did you ever stop to think that you might not actually be my type either? Audrey: No! Pacey: No? Audrey: No. Guys don't have types. Pacey: What do you mean guys-- of course, guys have types. Are we not human? Do we not have feelings? Audrey: Pacey. Pacey: Yes? Audrey: I have boobs. You would sleep with me. Pacey: No. I don't think that I could, actually. Audrey: Erectile dysfunction? Pacey: No, not erectile dysfunction. You're just too bawdy for me. Audrey: Ew, bawdy?! You make it sound like I'm Bette Midler or something. Pacey: Well, hey, if the shoe fits. Audrey: [Laughs] Pacey: You want a ride home? Audrey: Yeah, actually, that would be nice. Pacey: Ok. Audrey: Uh-oh. I think someone's trying to get your attention. Pacey: Really? Audrey: Mm-hmm. Pacey: How do you know? Audrey: Well, she's either trying to get your attention or mine, which means she's either got really crappy taste in men, or she's a really smart lesbian. Pacey: Really? [turns to see that it is Melanie] Audrey: Uh-huh, and who is she? Pacey: She is just a friend. Audrey: I see. Still want to give me that ride? Pacey: Not so much, no. Thought so. But I will. Audrey: No. Don't worry about it, Witter. I'm all about the cab these days. Listen... be careful, use redundant forms of birth control, and don't push her head down. Girls don't like that. Pacey: You think? Audrey: Good night, Pacey. [SCENE_BREAK] Pacey: How are ya? Melanie: Good. Pacey: Wanna go? Melanie: Uh-huh. Pacey: Ok. [Scene: Outside Grams' House. Dawson is sitting alone outside, when Jen comes walking down the sidewalk to join him.] Dawson: Hi. Jen: Hey. What's goin' on? Dawson: Aw, not much, just sittin' here thinkin', waitin' for you. Jen: So you were listening, huh? Dawson: I was. Jen: Yeah. Actually, a lot of people were. Producers seem to think that I'm Boston bay's answer to Carrie Bradshaw. They want to give me my own radio call-in talk show about relationships. Dawson: Ha, that's great. Jen: Yeah, it is. [Sighs] So why don't you say it, Dawson? Why don't you just go ahead and let's get this over with, ok? Dawson: Get what over with? Jen: Whatever it is that you've been sitting out here cooking up to tell me. Dawson: Jen, I was sitting out here hoping that you'd want to go out with me for a while. I don't know if you noticed, but we actually spent more time together when I was living somewhere else. Jen: Well, I told you this morning... I'm really busy. Dawson: Ok. Jen: [Sighs] What? This is it, ok? I am who I am, Dawson. Dawson: Jen, I'm not gonna fight with you. Jen: What does that mean? Dawson: [Sighs] I'm not your other boyfriends-- I'm not gonna fight with you, I'm not gonna lie to you, and I'm not gonna cheat on you. I'm gonna go to the movies. Right? If you want to come with me, it'd be great. If not, I'll see you when I get home... 'cause I will come home. And I'm gonna keep coming home no matter how hard you try and push me away. Now, you can either take my word for it or you can keep on testing me, but either way, Jen, the results are going to be the same. Jen: [Sighs] [Scene: Blossom and Eric's Room. Jack comes in while Eric is watching TV.] TV: He hits the point after. The redskins 14, the patriots-- hmm. Jack: So... this is the room I was supposed to be in. Not bad. Eric: Who told you? Jack: No one. I figured it out. Eric: Look, try to understand. I mean, you're a cool guy... obviously. Ok, I-- I ju--I just didn't know if I was gonna be-- be comfortable around somebody's who's so openly gay. Jack: I understand completely. I mean, besides, I'd probably try and convert you, right? Make you dress up in some of that, what, tight designer clothing. Plus, you know, there's all those hidden messages in that--that disco music that we love to listen to so much. Eric: Don't do this, man. Jack: Do what, Eric? I haven't done anything but try and fit in around here, and you're making me feel like some kind of quarantine freak, man. Eric: Look, jack Jack: no, just forget it, all right? You don't need to explain yourself to me. Eric: You know what? You're right. I don't... jack. Ok, you know, because I don't-- I don't want people... thinking that I'm gay. Ok? Jack: What? Why not? Eric: Because it-- [Laughs nervously] I don't--I don't know. I--I don't know. I'm--I guess because I'm a bit of a homophobe or somethin'. Jack: Look... if you ever want to have a real conversation, my door is always open. Otherwise, you have a nice life. [Scene: Joey and Audrey's Dorm room. Joey is lying on her bed, when Audrey comes in kicks off her shoes, and Joey watches as one of them flies across the room and knocks some stuff off the desk. Audrey then goes and collapses on Joey's bed next to her.] Audrey: [Groans] Waitressing is a bitch! Joey: Nice entrance. Audrey: Ohh, my feet feel like one enormous blister. Joey: I told you not to wear those shoes. Audrey: Ohh, ok. It's official. You do know everything. Joey: How was work? Audrey: Mm, can I tell you later? I'm too tired to think. Joey: Audrey has it escaped your attention that this is my bed? Audrey: Can I help it if this is the one closest to the door? Joey: No. We can't both sleep here together. Audrey: Mm-hmm, sure we can. It'll be the most action this bed's ever seen. Joey: Well, for your information I got asked out today. Audrey: [Exaggerated gasp] Of course, you said no. Joey: Of course. Audrey: Because you're long-suffering and insane and fixated on Dawson. Joey: How dysfunctional do you think I am? Audrey: Hmm, about one lithium pill away from girl, interrupted status. Joey: You know, for your information, the thing that stopped me from accepting a very tempting offer today was the fact that the boy asking was one of your conquests. Audrey: What conquest? Joey: Elliott. Elliott sawyer. You met him at the beginning of the year at the Boston bay parties-- cute and blond, has this, uh, Crispin Glover thing. Audrey: That guy. I didn't sleep with that guy. Joey: Audrey, I ran into him when he was leaving our room the next morning. Audrey: Well, yeah... because he was nice enough to walk me back here, but as soon as he found out that you were my roommate, he kept yammering on about how wonderful you were, and, eventually, I just feel asleep in a nauseated stupor. The romance pretty much ended there. Joey: Oh. Audrey: Yeah...oh. Joey: You know, you could have mentioned this sooner. Audrey: Well, I probably would have if I'd know how cute you thought he was. [Scene: Pacey's Boat. Pacey is getting some drinks for Melanie and himself while she sits on the couch.] Pacey: Remember that time Leon got us into a bar fight in St. John? Melanie: Yes, and you were so drunk and you still managed to talk the cops into not throwing us in jail. Pacey: Well, I am quite the charmer. Melanie: That must explain how a spoiled little rich girl like me ended up fraternizing with the help all summer long. Pacey: Yeah, I do seem to recall a lot of fraternizing. Melanie: I'm glad you're going back out there, Pacey. Pacey: How come? Melanie: You were so sad when we got back, so restless, the proverbial fish out of water. I felt bad for you. Pacey: You felt bad. I don't know. I think I've actually done pretty ok for myself. [he hands her the drink] Melanie: Thanks. That's how I like to think of you-- on a boat, a fantastic tan under a Hawaiian shirt, a margarita in one hand and... in the other hand? I don't know. In the general vicinity of me, maybe? Pacey: [Chuckles] That pretty much sounds like the greatest Jimmy Buffett song never written. So what about you? Melanie: What about me? Pacey: Well, don't you ever dream of gettin' away from it all? Just hoppin' on a sailboat and never lookin' back? Melanie: Yeah, I do. All the time. [Sighs] But I won't. I know it. I've got this life here. I've got school, friends. I guess I'm sort of puttin' down roots, you know? Pacey: Yeah. Melanie: But I'll tell you right now, Pacey, when I am old and gray, last summer is one of those things that will make me smile time and time again. Pacey: Yeah, me, too. So tell me about this guy, the one that it didn't work out with. Melanie: How 'bout I don't and we do this instead? [she puts her drink down and pulls him in for a huge kiss] [Scene: Pacey's boat. The next morning. Melanie is finishing getting dresses as Pacey comes out of the bathroom.] Melanie: Morning. Pacey: You goin' somewhere? Melanie: Yep, con law. You wanna come? Pacey: No... but if you hold on I'll walk you out. There's this great little bagel stop Melanie: no--no--no, I'm already late. Pacey: How do you do that? Melanie: What? Pacey: You look so beautiful in the morning. I mean, I don't even think there's soap in my shower. Melanie: Well, I've gotten used to roughing it with you. You know, last night was pretty great. Pacey: Mmm, that's an understatement. You know, you make a man want to stay on shore for a while. Melanie: Oh, and ruin my perfect sailor-boy fantasy? Pacey: It was good seeing you, Mel. Melanie: You, too. Have fun out there, ok? Pacey: I will. Melanie: Promise you'll call next time you wash up in Boston harbor? Pacey: Yeah, I promise. Melanie: Bye, pace. [Scene: Grams' House. The bathroom, and Dawson comes in there and notices 2 toothbrushes in the holder on the sink, when Jen comes in behind him.] Jen: It's a soft-bristled number 60, right? Dawson: You noticed. Jen: Could you please not leave those dried-up clumps of shaving cream in the sink? Dawson: I can do that. Jen: You know why I wear makeup? Dawson: Acquiescence to images presented in a male-dominated media? Jen: [Laughs] Yes... my little feminist boyfriend, that's--that's very correct. When I was a little girl I learned that I should hide and I should cover myself up and that that was protection. You know how weird it is to live with somebody, to be with somebody who no matter what you do can always really see you? It's a little scary. Dawson: Mm-hmm, it's a lot scary. Does it help if I remind you how much I like what I see? Jen: Yeah. It does. Dawson: Thank you for my new toothbrush. Jen: Dawson... good morning. Dawson: Good morning. [They Kiss.] [Scene: The school dorms. Joey goes up a door, but stops before knocking. She turns around, but stops again, and turn back to knock on the door, but it opens before she gets the chance to change her minds again. Elliot comes out of the door, a little surprised to see her.] Elliot: Hi. Joey: Uh, hi. Elliot: A-are you lost or something? Joey: Yeah, you know, all these dorms look alike. I, um, I live over in Elliot: yeah, I--I know. Joey: I guess, I just-- I--I wanted to say something. Elliot: Ok. Joey: Well, it's funny. Um, that night, that night that we met, um, it's sort of taken on this totally mythic significance that it really shouldn't have. I mean, a lot of weird things did happen, but a lot of other weird things didn't. Yeah, I--I was-- I was waiting on a friend... kind of, um... but that doesn't mean that I don't want to make new friends, so I guess I was thinking maybe we could start over. I--I mean... completely over. Elliot: Look, I never slept with your roommate. That is what this is about, right? Joey: Yeah, uh... basically. So do you want to go get some coffee or something? Elliot: I've got a class. Joey: Oh--oh. Elliot: Not really. I just wanted to see if, uh, you'd be disappointed. [they turn and walk down the hall together] Joey: So that whole thing that happened the other day in Wilder's class, that was really embarrassing. Elliot: Yeah, I know. It took a lot of work to make it come out that way. [Scene: The frat common room. Blossom and Eric are sitting together reading, when jack comes over and throws his keys on the table in front of them.] Blossom: What's that? Jack: Your keys. I don't think I should stay here. Blossom: Ohh, come on, dude. Uh, don't do this. Jack: Look, I'm not quitting the fraternity, all right? I just don't think I should live here, not under these circumstances. See you guys later. [He walks outside, and Eric comes out after him] Eric: Hey, jack. Jack. Jack: What? Eric: Listen, man, uh... look, I'm--I'm really sorry. You know, I-- no, man, you're sorry. Now, that--that Jack: you don't want the whole world thinking you're gay. I understand. Eric: Jack, look... the last thing I want you to do is leave, ok? Look, if you still want to room with me I'm really cool with that. [Eric holds out a set of keys] Jack: You sure about that? Eric: Yeah. I mean, this whole thing has-- it's been a real eye-opener for me. [Jack takes the keys] Jack: Let me think about it, ok? Eric: All right. You know where to find me. Jack: Right. Eric: Bye. Jack: [Sighs] [Scene: Pacey's Boat. Pacey is packing up some bags, when Audrey comes into his boat to join him.] Audrey: Howdy, sailor. Pacey: Hey, Audrey. Audrey: How was your, uh, dangerous liaison, the well-bred blonde? Good in the sack? Pacey: You really want to know? Audrey: Eww, no, gross. I was just being a pain in the ass. Pacey: And a fantastic one at that. Audrey: Hey, are we gonna have to take this outside, Witter? Pacey: No, we're not, because you would wipe the deck with me, and that would interfere with my packing. Audrey: Hmm. Pacey. Pacey: Yes. Audrey: Really. Come outside for a second. [they go out onto the deck of the boat to see everyone is out there.] Joey: [Sighs] So when were you planning on telling us you were leaving? [Laughs] Thank you so much, Audrey. Audrey: You never told me it was a secret. Pacey: Well, I never told you that it wasn't, either. Audrey: Oh, whatever. I don't have time for semantics, Pacey. Pacey: Here's the deal, guys. Jack: Look, pace, we're not here to talk you into staying if that's what you're worried about, ok? Joey: Um, no, actually, that's not-- besides, we thought we were only gonna have you for a limited time anyway. And, to make a long story short, we're happy for you, pace. We know that this opportunity means so much to you, and so we got you this. It's just a little something to remind you of your friends back in Boston. [She hands him a wooden box and he opens it to find a beautiful sextant inside.] Pacey: Mmm. That's beautiful. Jack: It was Dawson's idea. In case you get lost out there. Pacey: Thank you. This is a truly beautiful sextant, but I can't accept it. Joey: Yes, you can. Pacey: [Pacey laughs] No--no, I actually can't, because... I'm not going anywhere. Joey: You're not? Pacey: No. I'm staying right here. Dawson: Why? Not that we're complaining or anything. Jen: Right, yeah, what he said, but why? Pacey: Well, because... Boston ain't half bad, and for the first time in my life, I don't really feel like I have anything to run from. And because I don't think civilization will survive without me. Audrey: Let's not forget the fact that you want me. Pacey: Well, that goes without saying. Jen: This is good. Dawson: This is good. Pacey: Yeah, this is very good. I'm happy about it, but unfortunately, now I find myself without a place to live. Jack: You know, there's always room for one more at grams' house. Pacey: [Laughs] Thank you, but no thank you. Audrey: Well, face it, pace. You're stuck with us. Pacey: Ah, yes, I am-- the van de brigands. [Laughter] Pacey: Stuck, but here I am. All: Yay! Dawson: Did you already have one of these? Pacey: Yeah, it's down below, and, uh, frankly, I know how much these cost, so...here.

Dawson and Jen see that living together is not as much fun as they hoped it would be. Between ruined toothbrushes and bathroom overcrowding, they get on each other's nerves. Jen faces a new challenge at work after she turns her regular show into an advice show. She mainly gives advice to other girls with problems, and makes statements on men that hurt Dawson's feelings. She comes home expecting a fight, but Dawson surprises her by saying he won't ever treat her badly. Meanwhile, Melanie (Pacey's ex) shows up offering Pacey a job working on her uncle's new boat in the Greek Islands. After a lot of thinking, Pacey decides not to go, since he has made a successful life in Boston. Jack, somewhat estranged from Jen, moves into the fraternity house and gets his own room, but has some problems staying there after he discovers he was supposed to be rooming with another guy who felt uncomfortable living with a gay guy.

fd_The_Mentalist_02x18

fd_The_Mentalist_02x18_0

CBI Office (Cho, sitting in his office serves tea) (Hightower, Cho, Van Pelt, Rigsby) Hightower: Agents? Cho: Ma'am. Rigsby: Agent Hightower. Hightower (on phone): Yeah. All right. Narcotics needs help getting intel on a meth house in the southwest. I said I could spare two of you. Rigsby: Sure. We'll get it. Hightower: Van Pelt and Cho. Cho: What's the job? Ext. Night. (Cho and Van Pelt) (they cross the street, go to a trash bag and retrieve its contents) Van Pelt: It's hard to believe there's intel in these. Cho: There better be. It's dripping on my feet. Van Pelt: Hightower knows about Rigsby and me. (they put the trash bags in the trunk of their car) Cho: Noticed that. Van Pelt: She knows, but she hasn't said anything. Why do you think that is? Cho: No idea. Van Pelt: If you could guess. Cho: I wouldn't. Van Pelt: I can't stop thinking about it. Cho: That's just gonna get you in trouble. (Cho starts the car, in the headlights is seen a blond woman who appears lost) Blonde Woman: Can you help me? Can you help me? (Van Pelt and Cho descendent de voiture) Cho: What happened to you? Blonde Woman: I lost my shoe. Can you tell me where I am? Cho: I'm, I'm gonna call this in, all right? Van Pelt: Ma'am. Ma'am. Blonde Woman: Can you... Van Pelt: Okay. All right. We're gonna get you some medical attention. Come on. Blonde Woman: Okay. Van Pelt: Come over here and sit down. Blonde Woman: Okay. Van Pelt: What's your name? Ma'am? Ma'am? (Jane arrives in his car and gets out) Jane: Grace. Van Pelt: Hey. She said she can't remember who she is, where she came from or what happened. No I. D. Nothing on her at all. Jane: Where's Lisbon? Van Pelt: She's on her way. E. M.T. S think the bullet grazed the victim's head. I thought we should talk to her here. She lost her shoe, so she couldn't have walked far. The crime scene's probably nearby. (they approach the stretcher where the blonde woman is being cared for) Jane: Good thinking. Van Pelt: So should we wait for Lisbon or... Jane: Na. (to the blonde woman) Hi. I'm Patrick Jane. How you doing? Blonde Woman: My head hurts. I don't remember who I am. Jane (rubs his hands to warm them up): Hold my hand. 'm gonna try and help with the pain. Okay, I want you to concentrate and let the pain flow out through your arm and into my hand. Just let it flow, like water. Ah, I can feel it. Can you feel that? Blonde Woman: Yes. Jane: Can you feel it flowing? Blonde Woman: Yeah. Jane: The pain is flowing away. Tell me your name. Don't reach. Just wait for it. Blonde Woman: I can't. Jane: Ah, that's okay. That's okay. What were you doing this morning, before you got hurt? Blonde Woman: I can't. Jane: It's okay. Don't worry. Tonight, then, before my friends found you, what were you doing? Blonde Woman: I, I was in a room. It's cold. Jane: Can you see anything? Blonde Woman: It's, it's too dark. Jane: Were you sitting in a chair or were you lying down? Blonde Woman: Lying down. Jane: On the floor or on the bed? Blonde Woman: On the floor. There's... dirt and straw. It makes me cough. Jane: What does it smell like? Blonde Woman: Horses. Jane: That's fantastic. Grace? Van Pelt: Yeah. We're looking for a stable. Jane: Yeah. [ EXT. Night ] Near a barn (Lisbon, Van Pelt, Jane, Cho) Van Pelt: Her shoe. Jane: Yeah, that's her shoe. (about to enter the barn) Hum, okay. (whispers): Guys, there's a light switch right here. (turns on the light) (three bodies are lying on the ground) Credits INT. Hospital (Doctor, Van Pelt, Lisbon, Jane, Jane Doe) Doctor: The bullet creased her skull. It didn't fracture the bone, but a hit like that can knock you around something wicked. She could have been unconscious for a while. Van Pelt: Shooter probably thought she was dead and dumped her with the other bodies. Lisbon: What about the amnesia? Doctor: I don't know what to tell you. Retrograde amnesiausually recedes with time, but I don't know how fast that'll happen. In the blond woman's hospital room. (Jane Doe, Jane who's playing a guessing game returns a card to the pack) Jane: Okay, what I want you to do is just focus on the queen. Here's the lady. Now you saw where she is. There's the lady. Okay. Now tell me... Where's the queen? (Jane Doe shows a card) Wrong. First boy you ever kissed. Jane Doe: I don't know. Jane: What's your first name? Jane Doe: I don't know. I'm sorry. Jane: Look, there she was. She was always there. Right in the middle. Lisbon (enters the room followed by Van Pelt): And the point it? Jane: Oh, I'm just making sure she has amnesia, which, by the way, you do. It's hard to lie when you're thinking about something else. Jane Doe: Great. Lisbon: We're checking our missing persons database, then we'll run your prints. Something'll probably come up. (Answers phone. To Van Pelt.) Find somebody to come in and print her. Van Pelt: Okay. Lisbon (on phone to Jane): Agent Hightower. Hightower (from his office at the CBI): Morning, Lisbon. As soon as it's practical, I want to see you, Van Pelt and Rigsby in my office. Hightower's Office (Hightower, Lisbon, Van Pelt, Rigsby) Hightower: I've been meaning to address this issue for a while, but there's been so much coming across my desk, I haven't had the time. First off, neither of you is denying you're in a sexual relationship? Are you? Van Pelt: No. Rigsby: No, ma'am. Hightower: You work together, you develop feelings. Nothing wrong with that. But you know very well it's against CBI rules, and like I tell my kids, rules are rules. If you want to stay together, that's your choice. But one of you has to transfer out of the unit. If you both want to stay in the unit, then you can't be together. That's what it is. Give me your decision tomorrow at the latest. Questions? Rigsby: No. Van Pelt: No, ma'am. Hightower: Okay. (Van Pelt and Rigsby leave the office, Lisbon is about to follow) Hightower: Lisbon, stay a moment. Why didn't you handle this situation yourself? Lisbon: I won't defend what I did, ma'am... Hightower: I understand these two sneaking around, but you're their superior. I expect more. I'll be writing a corrective memo. That's it. Thank you for your time. (Lisbon leaves the office) Team office (Cho, Jane, arrive Van Pelt, Rigsby followed by Lisbon) (Jane is drinking a cup of tea sitting on the couch) Rigsby: Don't want to talk about it. Lisbon: Cho, where are we with the victims? Cho: I verified the two I. D.s we found at the scene. Janine and Mitchell Langham from Chico, Both in their 50s, no family in state. Neighbor said that they were hiking in Kasten State forest. Lisbon: That's 100 miles from where we found them. Well, what about the third victim? Cho: Same as the Jane Doe. No I. D. Of any kind. The coroner says he's in his early 20s. I put his prints into the system. Lisbon: Van Pelt, did you get any hits on them? Van Pelt? Van Pelt: Uh, I'll check. I'll check. Cho: The coroner thinks that they were shot with a high-powered rifle, the Langhams up close, our Jane Doe and the unidentified male from a distance. Lisbon: Do either of the Langhams have a record? Cho: No. Jane: I think we can set the Langhams aside. I think they were by-products, weren't planned. Lisbon: Oh? Jane: Yeah. The first two victims were shot from a distance, I. D.s were taken. Two victims were shot up-close. I. D.S were not taken. Clearly, the first two victims were the targets. Cho: And when the langhams roll up to the scene, wrong place, wrong time. Jane: Killer shoots the Langhams, freaks out. Doesn't bother to take their I. D.S. doesn't even notice that one of the first victims that he shot was only wounded. Van Pelt: We got a hit on the male victim's prints. His name's Leonard Railton, Native American, lived on the Storm River Reservation. Rigsby: That's right next to the state forest. Van Pelt: Oh, he's been in and out of the system since his early teens, mostly small stuff, a couple of drug busts. No family listed. His emergency contact is his parole officer. Lisbon: Go and go show Jane Doe a picture of Leonard and the Langhams. It's worth a shot. Van Pelt: Okay. Lisbon: You guys check out the trail that the Langhams were hiking. It sounds like something's going on up there. (to Jane) Let's go talk to Railton's P. O. Jane (to Lisbon, squeamishly): Hey. There's no point in hiding your frustration with Hightower. I mean, sooner or later, you're just gonna explode with suppressed rage. Lisbon: With any luck, you'll be next to me. Jane: Well, that's what I'm worried about. CBI Corridors (Rigsby, Van Pelt) Rigsby: Grace. You okay? Van Pelt: Sure. No. You? Rigsby: This is a good thing, okay? No more sneaking around. We get to decide what we wanna do. Van Pelt: Do we know what that is? Rigsby: Let's just get through the day, and then tonight, we'll open up a bottle of wine and we'll talk, okay? Van Pelt: Yeah. Sounds good. I love you. Rigsby: I love you. (They kiss, Hightower sees them) In the probation officer's office (Lisbon, Jane, Dolores Brinton) Dolores Brinton: I thought Leonard had a chance, you know? Good kid. Really trying not to repeat old mistakes. Lisbon: How long were you Leonard's parole officer, Ms. Brinton? Dolores Brinton: A little over a year. Lisbon: He have any family we should speak to? Dolores Brinton: No, Leonard didn't have anybody. But his mother was Shoshone, grew up on the Reservation. That's why I got him to move there after he was released. Jane: Why the Reservation? Dolores Brinton: Leonard needed people in his life who cared about him. He could get that there. It's a small community, not too well-off, but tight. Jane: Do you live there? Dolores Brinton: Mm-hmm. My father's clan is from there. I'm Shoshone. Jane: Shoshone, uh with a New York Italian/Irish thing going on, if I'm not mistaken by the accent. Is that from your mother's side? Dolores Brinton: I'm not the first person who needed time to figure out who she was. Jane: Hum. Lisbon: Were there any indications that Leonard was doing anything illegal? Dolores Brinton: No. He had some problems when he first got there, but. (Jane examines a statue of an Indian in Dolores' office) About six months ago, he settled down, got a job, had a girlfriend in the valley. Lisbon: What was her name? Dolores Brinton: Derrien Hopwood. I met her a couple of times. No record. Good influence, I thought. Lisbon (she shows a picture of Jane Doe, Jane approaches Dolores): Is this her? Dolores Brinton: Uh... No, I don't know this woman. Jane: Positive? Dolores Brinton: I said no. Jane: I got it. (Lisbon snatches the photo from Jane's hands) Lisbon: Does Leonard have any friends on the reservation we should talk to? Dolores Brinton: You're going on the rez? Jane: Yeah. Dolores Brinton: Will the tribal police be with you? Lisbon: Oh, they're aware of the investigation. We'll keep them in the loop. Dolores Brinton: I should go with you. Lisbon: Oh, that's not necessary. Dolores Brinton: As far as some of them are concerned, you're foreigners, foreigners with badges. You won't get anything. I'll get my coat. Jane: Excellent. Well, we got ourselves a native guide. Lisbon: Yes. Ext. Daytime. Mountains half covered with snow. In the forest. (Cho, Rigsby, Ranger Tisdale) Rigsby: Janine and Mitchell Langham. Ring any bells? Ranger Tisdale: No, but I don't really meet people unless they're in trouble. Cho: Well, these people got into trouble. Been any reports of crime on the trails? Robberies, assaults? Ranger Tisdale: No, just, you know, raccoons, birds, deer, rattlesnakes, bear. Rigsby: Well, I don't think a bear shot four people with a high-powered rifle. Ranger Tisdale: No, bears can't do that. Rigsby: Their neighbor said the Langhams would've walked the morningstar trail. Huh. Ranger Tisdale: Morningstar is not one of our more popular trails. (responds to a call from his walkie-talkie) Excuse me. I got, uh...Uh, Tisdale, stand by one. (to Rigsby and Cho) Look, I gotta go. I gotta go up the hill there. We have an animal control issue. Rigsby: Well, we need to check out that trail. Ranger Tisdale: Okay, uh... Okay, the trailhead is right over there. You just stay on the path. When you get to the fork, you go to the left, okay? Just stay to the left. You'll be fine. Rigsby: Got it. Left. Thanks. (Cho and Rigsby leave him alone in the forest) INT. Daytime. In Jane Doe's hospital room. (Jane Doe, Van Pelt) (Jane Doe looks at pictures of Janine and Mitchell Langham) Jane Doe: I don't recognize any of them. Van Pelt: Take your time. Think about it. Jane Doe: I have. These people are all dead, right? Van Pelt: Yes. There's one piece of good news. We ran you through the fingerprints database. You're not there. Jane Doe: How is that good news? Van Pelt: It means you're not a criminal... or you're a very, very good one. (shows him a photo of Leonard) Jane Doe: How's it going with the, um... missing persons thing? Van Pelt: Well, no one's filed a missing persons report fitting your description yet, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time. Jane Doe: Look, you had a job to do, and you did it. Thanks. You don't have to stay. Van Pelt: I'll stick around. Jane Doe: Okay. Thanks. In the forest (Cho and Rigsby) Rigsby: I've got a lot of time invested here, but if she leaves, we're into this whole sexism thing of whose job is more important. Like I said, it's complicated. Cho: No, it isn't. Rigsby: What? Cho: Which do you want more, job or Van Pelt? Rigsby: What? It, it's not that easy. Cho: Sure it is. This is the fork, right? Rigsby: No, we, we took the fork. Cho: No, I don't think that was the fork. I think this is the fork. Rigsby: Well, whatever. Go left. It's not that simple. Cho: Job or Van Pelt. All there is to it. In the Indian reservation, Lisbon's car arrives (Lisbon, Dolores, Jane) Dolores Brinton: The rec center's the community gathering spot. Leonard used to come here. (on the terrace of a building) (to Lisbon) This is Joseph Silverwing. He helped to settle Leonard in here. He's on the tribal council. (the man came to meet them) Joseph, these are the detectives from CBI I called you about. Lisbon (shakes hands with Joseph Silverwing): Teresa Lisbon. Hi. Jane (also shakes hands with Joseph): Patrick Jane. Lisbon: We're investigating the murder of Leonard Railton. Can you tell us anything about him? Joseph Silverwing: He's a good kid. Worked hard. Stayed out of trouble. Lisbon: We heard he had a job. Joseph Silverwing: Down at, uh, Markham Willis's place. Dolores Brinton: It's a souvenir shop just off the reservation. Lisbon: Was Leonard having any problems? Joseph Silverwing: No. Lisbon: Did you hear about any arguments or fights? Joseph Silverwing: No. Lisbon: Money problems? Health issues? Joseph Silverwing: No. Jane (aside to Dolores): You're right. You really are opening things up here. (he departs) Lisbon: Do you know about any relationships He was having off the reservation maybe? Joseph Silverwing: No. (Jane enters the building, young people are playing pool) Jane (addressing the young people playing): Nice shot. Did you guys know Leonard Railton? I'll take that as a yes. I'm trying to find the person who killed him. Do you want to help me with that? (He picks up a red ball) Don't all speak at once. Who's gonna talk first? Youngster with long hair & blue and green striped t-shirt: We don't talk to po-po. Jane: Po-po? I like that. But I'm not po-po. I'm a po-po consultant. How about this? I bet that I can sink a ball before your best player can, and he can have three chances to my one, and if I lose... 50 bucks. Huh? But, if I win, you tell me about Leonard. We got a deal? Great. Who's your sharpshooter? (he addresses a youngster with medium-length hair and white & blue striped shirt) It's you, isn't it, shorty? Let's do this. Youngster with medium-length hair and white & blue striped shirt: Okay. Jane (Places the balls on the table): All right. First ball in wins. You get three chances. I get one. Youngster with medium-length hair and white & blue striped shirt: Okay. Jane: And by the way, that girl you're crushing on, the one in the blue sweater, it's never gonna happen. She's into the tall guy. Good luck. Lisbon (enters): My money's on the kid. (the youngster misses) Jane: One. (the youngster misses again) Jane: Two. Last time. Good luck. Lucky last. (misses again) That's three. There's a hole in that ball. Here's the hard part. Jane (succeeds): Oooooh! Schooled ya. (seated at a table with youths) Okay, so, uh, what was Leonard's story? Youngster with mid-length hair and white & blue striped shirt: He had money. A lot of it. Youngster with long length hair and blue & green striped shirt: Always had the newest kicks. Jane: Since when? Youngster with mid-length hair and white & blue striped shirt: Like, six months ago. Jane: Well, I heard he had a job. Youngster with mid-length hair and white & blue striped shirt: Oh, yeah. At Willis's souvenir shop? That's pennies. Leonard had money. Jane: Any idea where that might have come from? Youngster with mid-length hair and white & blue striped shirt: He wouldn't say. But he was out in the woods all the time, so... We figured, you know? Jane: Yes? Youngster with mid-length hair and white & blue striped shirt: Everybody knows what goes on in the woods. Jane: Oh, sure. The woods. In the forrest (Cho, Rigsby) Rigsby: Yeah, this is not the trail. Cho: It's over here. Rigsby: Are you sure? I thought I saw it over here. Water tank? (he looks suspiciously) Cho?! Cho: Yeah? Rigsby: There's a pot plant here. Actually, there's a whole bunch of pot plants here. Cho: It looks like a farm. Rigsby: Which means there's probably some bad guys with guns. (automatic gunfire, they shelter behind the trees) Rigsby: No bars. So much for backup. Cho: There's only one shooter. You draw fire, and I'll take him from the side. Ready? One... Two... Three! Go. (firing either side, Cho progresses towards the shooter) Cho: Rigsby! Rigsby: Clear! Cho: Got it! INT. CBI office (Rigsby, Lisbon, Jane, Hightower) Rigsby: It's the kind of farm you find all over public lands, about an acre of plants, irrigation pipes everywhere. Cho: Must be tapping into water from up the valley. Lisbon: Did you hit the shooter? Maybe he's in a hospital. Cho: Didn't see any blood. I doubt it. Lisbon: Do you think the ranger knowingly directed you toward the pot farm? Was this a setup? Rigsby: It's hard to say. We got pretty turned around. I'm not exactly sure we were on the trail. Lisbon: Where's the ranger now? Cho: Up in the mountains. Supervisor saysHe's out of calling range. Lisbon: Find out when he's back. Hightower: So it looks like Leonard Railton was working for the pot farmers. There's a hundred ways that could turn ugly. Jane: Meh. If Leonard was farmi the weed, he would've told his friends about it. Whatever he was doing, he felt shame or ambivalence. Hightower: Which takes the investigation where? Jane: Well, we haven't spoken to the girlfriend yet. Hightower: So go do that. You two talk to narcotics. See if there's a line on marijuana players in that area. Lisbon (to Rigsby and Cho): You heard what she said. In the apartment of Leonard Railton and Derrien Hopwood (Derrien Hopwood, Lisbon, Jane, a baby) Derrien Hopwood: We weren't living together or anything, just hanging out. Lisbon: So Leonard isn't the baby's father, Ms. Hopwood? Derrien Hopwood: Kai's father? No. Jane: But leonard liked your little boy, didn't he? Derrien Hopwood: Sure. Leonard bought most of the toys here. Jane: And this, uh... Enormous stack of infant formula. Derrien Hopwood: Yeah, like, 1,000 bucks worth. Jane: What's the story with that? Derrien Hopwood: Well, it's because Kai got this rash. It was going around, you know? A couple of kids had it. He had this idea it was the powdered formula. He made me throw all the powdered out, which is crazy, 'cause it's cheaper, and it's real easy to use. All you do is add water. Jane: How's the rash now? Derrien Hopwood: All gone. I guess he was right. Jane: You weren't surprised to hear about Leonard, were you? I mean, you, you cared for him, but you weren't startled to learn that he was dead. Derrien Hopwood: He had money, and not from that lame souvenir store job. He wouldn't tell me where he was gettin' it. My experience is, that means trouble. Lisbon: Your best guess? Derrien Hopwood: I don't know. Whatever else he was doing... He, he was always good to me and Kai. He was a good man. You find who did this. Lisbon: We'll do everything we can. (Jane amuses the baby in the park) [SCENE_BREAK] Souvenir shop in the Indian Reservation (Lisbon, Jane, Markham Willis) Lisbon: Mr. Willis, how long was Leonard working here? Markham Willis: Uh... I guess about six months. I hired him on Dolores Brinton's recommendation. He was a great kid, good worker. Jane: Oh, yeah. That's what I'm talking about. (Jane admires himself in a mirror wearing an Indian chief headdress) Pretty great, huh? This is fantastic. D, do you deliver? Markham Willis: As a matter of fact, we do. Jane: All right. Lisbon: Jane, put it back. Jane: What? Lisbon: You heard me. Now. Jane: Okay. (Jane sniffs) Lisbon: Now! Jane: All right. Lisbon: We think that, uh, Leonard was getting money from someplace else. Any idea what that was about? Markham Willis: No. He never said a word about it. What was he doing? Lisbon: We're still working on that. Markham Willis: I can give you a deal on that bonnet. Special law enforcement discount. Jane: Hum hum, you're not self-conscious about peddling your own culture, are you? Markham Willis: This is not my culture. This war bonnet is from the Laguna people. It has nothing to do with us Shoshone. It's kind of a pastiche, really. But that's what you Americans want to buy, so that's what I sell. Lisbon: Thank you for your time, Mr. Willis. Jane? (Jane doesn't follow Lisbon out of the store) Jane! Jane: I'll meet you outside. (he looks at postcards, Lisbon leaves the shop) Is there some kind of service for Leonard? Markham Willis: Tomorrow afternoon, I believe. Jane (he has chosen a card): That's such a shame. I'm gonna take that. And I like this one, too. It's really beautiful. So that as well, and, um... This thing. (he also bought a flute decorated with feathers) I'll see if I can get a tune out of that. Just love those feathers. INT. CBI office (Jane lying on his couch, playing the flute) Jane (on phone): Grace, hi. It's Jane. How's it going with Jane Doe there? She get a clue yet? Mm, didn't think so. You know, bring her down to the office. I think we're gonna have to get a little more interventionist. INT. CBI Interrogation Room (Jane, Van Pelt, Jane Doe) (a postcard of a mountain river) Van Pelt: If you start to feel dizzy or woozy or, or anything. Jane: Grace, quit hovering. All right? She's fine. Van Pelt: I took her out of the hospital, Jane. She's my responsibility. Jane: I get that, but she's fine. Aren't you? Jane Doe: What are these? Jane: Oh, these are pictures of where you're from. Jane Doe: I don't know where I'm from. Jane: Sure you do. I'll lay money on the fact that you're a local. You have roots around here. You visited places like this as a kid. One of these pictures here will mean something to you. Jane Doe: I get nothing from that. Jane: What about this? Hmm? Rigsby (enters the room): Grace, a minute? Van Pelt: Oh, sure. I'll be right back. Jane (shows another postcard): This? Just relax. Don't work so hard. Look at that. Have you ever seen a more beautiful, more peaceful place? It would be cool if I could just say the word, and you could be right there. Listening to the birds sing... The wind rustling through the trees... The water lapping against the shore. If I could just say the word. INT. Another CBI Interrogation Room (Rigsby, Van Pelt) Van Pelt: Wayne, this couldn't wait? (Rigsby embraces Van Pelt) Rigsby: This is so simple. I love you... More than, more than this job, more than anything. Van Pelt: You got shot at today. You're pumped full of adrenaline. Rigsby: No, no. Well, yes, but that doesn't matter. I know what I want to do. I, uh... I talked to a guy in the San Francisco office today. There's an opening in the Major crimes Unit. It's only an hour and a half away. Van Pelt: You mean it? Rigsby: Please, let's just do this. I, I don't care where I work. I, I want you. Van Pelt: You really mean it? Rigsby: Yes, yes. Team Office (Rigsby, Van Pelt, Lisbon, Cho) Lisbon (seeing Van Pelt and Rigsby arrive together): Really? Now? Cho: Ranger Tisdale should be off the mountain in an hour, so... His bank records say he's depositing 2 grand a month over and above his salary, cash. Lisbon: Let's go talk to him. (Cho and Lisbon leave) In the forrest (Lisbon, Cho, Ranger Tisdale) Cho: Tisdale. Ranger Tisdale: I was gonna call you. I just heard. Pot farm. Doesn't that beat everything? Cho: Yeah, right in your own woods. Ranger Tisdale: Yeah. I've been hiking these trails for eight years. I had no idea. I don't know where you ended up, but you must've gotten seriously turned around. Lisbon: That's hard to believe when the pot farmers are paying you $2,000 a month. Ranger Tisdale: 2 th, I don't know what you're talking about. Cho: You're gonna have to come with us. (Ranger Tisdale kicks Cho in the stomach and runs away pursued by Lisbon and Cho) (Lisbon catches Tisdale) Cho: Nice work. Lisbon: Felt good. CBI Interrogation Room (Ranger Tisdale, Cho) Ranger Tisdale: Send you to the farm? I was trying like hell to keep you away from it. All you had to do was stay on the trail. Is that really so hard? Cho: So you were taking money from the pot dealers to protect their farm, right? (Behind the window: Lisbon, Hightower and Jane) Ranger Tisdale: They were paying me to direct tourists away and let 'em know if there were any local cops or feds snooping around. But that's it. Okay, these people who got killed, I never even saw them. Cho: I need the names of the people who paid you. Ranger Tisdale: I can't do that. Look, these aren't hippies growing weed in the forest, okay? These are serious, serious men. If they learn that I gave up their names, they'll kill me. Cho: Look, they know you've been arrested. They think you're giving them up right now. Now with these men walking around, you're in danger. Give us their names, and we'll lock them up. Ranger Tisdale: No, I can't. Cho: It's your call. You got a family? Ranger Tisdale: Uh, yeah. Cho: Well, I suggest you send them somewhere. Not out of town, get 'em out of state. Know anybody on the east coast? Ranger Tisdale: No. Cho: That's too bad. How about overseas? Hightower (to Lisbon): That's a first-rate interviewer you got there. Lisbon: Thank you. Jane (fait irruption pendant l'interrogatoire): Hey, what's up? So Rigsby and Cho tell me there was only one dude with a gun. That doesn't seem like much. Ranger Tisdale: No, it's not. Jane: So when you say, "These are not hippies, these are serious, serious men, " that implies many, scary men with large guns, right? Ranger Tisdale: Yes. Jane: So why just one? Ranger Tisdale: I don't know. They might be low on money. I mean, the, the crop is doing badly. Jane: Plants are dying? Ranger Tisdale: Yeah, yeah. And the word is that it's been going on for about six months, and nobody can figure it out, and they're really kind of freaking out about it. Jane: I'm sure. Hightower (entre dans la salle d'interrogatoire): Jane? Jane: Yeah? Uh, I think I gotta, I gotta go. I'll see you later. Thank you. (Hightoweer and Jane sortent) Hightower's Office (Hightower, Jane) Hightower: So what'd you get from the guy? Jane: The pot farmers didn't kill Leonard. Hightower: That so? Jane: Yep. Hightower: You certain? Jane: Well, certainty is the mother of fools. Hightower: So all this is just... guesswork with you? Jane: Pretty much. I mean, that's, that's what I do, I guess. For instance, I guess that you're married. Hightower: I'm wearing a ring. Jane: Well, I guess that you're married, but not happily. Not that there's divorce proceedings in place, but... possibly a trial separation. Hightower: Guess I should've put up a photo, huh? Jane: Hum, hum. Hightower: I know you're not giving me relationship advice, so I have to wonder why you would go there. I guess it's your way of expressing unhappiness. Jane: Mm, could be. Hightower: I guess it's your way of saying you're unhappy with the way I'm handling Lisbon. Jane: We spend a lot of time together. And when she's unhappy, uh, I'm less happy. It's human nature. Hightower: Yes, it is. I'll tell you what, Patrick. Why don't you let me handle my business my way and then judge me by the results? And I'll let you handle yours your way... Up to a point. Jane: That sounds fair. Up to a point. Yeah, very fair. We done? Hightower: No. Please don't interrupt interrogations. Jane: It's rude. That's a rule, is it? Hightower: Guideline. Jane: I'll keep it in mind. Hightower: Now we're done. Jane: Loving those pumps. Hightower (after a pause): Thank you. Jane: Bye. (Jane leaves the office, Hightower has a little smile) In the Team Office (Van Pelt, Jane) (Van Pelt working on his computer) Jane (looks through the papers on the desk of Van Pelt casually): Oh, what's this? Interesting. We need to take amnesia girl up to the reservation. Meet me in the parking lot in ten minutes. Van Pelt: Why take her to the reservation? Jane: They're holding a memorial for Leonard Railton. She should be there. She might remember something. Van Pelt: Worth a try, I guess. Jane: Oh, do me a favor. Hmm? Don't mention this to Lisbon or Hightower. Van Pelt: And why not? Jane: Well, why complicate things? Van Pelt: Complicate how? Jane: Hell, Van Pelt, you shouldn't have taken her out of the hospital in the first place. Your car, parking lot, ten minutes. Indian reserve. Funeral vigil of Leonard Railton (Jane, Jane Doe, Van Pelt, Joeseph Silverwing, Lisbon, number of inhabitants of the reserve) Dolores Brinton: Mr. Jane, what are you doing here? Jane: Well, we're here to pay our respects. It's okay. We won't eat much. Joeseph Silverwing: Leonard had only been with us a short while, but if you saw him walking a trail up at the lakes or riding a horse, you could see that he was home. So remember the old words. When a friend dies, we should not cry. We should not hate someone or fight. We should do right always. And we should listen to the old words and remember Leonard. If anyone else has something to say... Jane (takes the floor): Oh, I would. This woman was with Leonard when he was shot. She has lost her memory, so we brought her here today to see if a face or a place or anything could help her remember who she is. Dolores Brinton: This is kind of a sacred moment. Is this really the time? Jane: It'll take but a second. (to Jane Doe) Anything? Jane Doe: No. Jane: Never mind. The trip was not entirely wasted. I was also looking at all of you to see if anyone recognized her. And it seems to me that somebody here does know this woman. And that somebody is you, sir. (points at Joeseph Silverwing) Joeseph Silverwing: Me? I think you're mistaken. Jane: Prove it. Joeseph Silverwing: How? Jane: Look into my eyes and hold this. (he gives him a pencil) Now tell me you don't know her. Joeseph Silverwing: I do not know this woman. Jane (looks at the pencil): Okay. Um, um, okay. It appears that I'm mistaken, which is very good for you. That eliminates you from our inquiry. My apologies. Carry on. We'll just take our seats in the back. Thank you. And, listen, if you, if you don't want us here, then just say the word and we'll go. Just say the word. (They both move away) Joeseph Silverwing: I think it would be better. Jane Doe: I see it! I see it! I see it! I see it. (Lisbon enters the room) Jane (settles Jane Doe): Now just relax, breathe and tell us what you see. Jane Doe: There's a blue lake... Pine trees... A mountain... There's a bird singing. Jane: Tell us what's happening at this lake. Jane Doe: It's where the bad thing happened. Jane: What bad thing? Jane Doe: Go look. They... They left something on the shore. Jane: Who did? Jane Doe: Go look. They left something. They left something. I'm sorry. Lisbon: Okay, show's over. Come on. Outside (Van Pelt, Jane Doe, Lisbon, Jane) (Van Pelt helps Jane Doe into his car, Lisbon and Jane leave the room, heading for the car) Van Pelt: Watch your head. Lisbon: So Mr. Silverwing is gonna complain to our superiors in the strongest terms. Nice work. Jane: See, that's why I didn't bring you along, deniability. How did you know we were here? Lisbon: I had little, tiny G. P.S. Trackers Sewn into all your suits. Jane: For a second there, I almost believed you. Grace? Van Pelt: Sorry, Jane. I had to tell her. It's my job. Jane: Eh, that's not it. Lisbon (to Van Pelt): Get her back to the hospital. Van Pelt: Yes, boss. She did remember something. We have a clue. Lisbon: A lake in the mountain, something on the shore? Van Pelt: Could be where the murders happened. Lisbon: There's over 50 lakes in those mountains! I'll take her back to the hospital. Jane: Listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you where I was going. I was trying to protect you. I knew I was gonna stir things up, and, what, with Hightower all... Lisbon: Don't. Don't ever try to protect me. I can protect myself from Hightower or anybody else. Jane: Okay. Lisbon: Let's go back to the office. Jane: We could. Or we could stay here and catch Leonard Railton's killer. Lisbon: How are we gonna do that? Jane: I need a cup. Paper or plastic, I'd prefer paper. In the mountains, near a lake (Lisbon, Jane) Lisbon: So Jane Doe didn't remember the lake? Jane (a paper cup in his hand): Posthypnotic suggestion. I showed her a beautiful picture of a lake and told her that she would remember it when she heard the trigger phrase, "Say the word". She remembered the picture, associated it with the crime and felt that something was left behind there. Lisbon: What something? Jane: Well, it, it doesn't matter. The killer's feeling paranoid now, so he or she will be compelled to go back to the scene of the crime and make sure that nothing was left behind. Lisbon: That's assuming the murder occurred at the lake. Jane: Well, it did. Lisbon: Because? Jane: Because the pot crop died, and Leonard Railton was worried about the water his girlfriend's baby was getting... (Cho waits for them on the path) Cho: Hey, it's over here. Jane: ...and the water supply for around here comes from the mountain lakes. Cho followed whoever left the memorial to the lake. Lisbon: And? Who is it? Jane: We'll see. (Cho is looking across to the other side of the lake) Jane (to Cho): Where is he? Cho: Straight through the trees. (Cho and Lisbon s'approchent l'arme au poing de Markham suivis de Jane, son gobelet toujours a la main) (Jane looks with the binoculars, Markham Willis is walking along the lake looking at the ground) (Cho and Lisbon approach Markham, followed by Jane, cup still in hand) Cho (to Markham Willis): Hands up. Markham Willis: What's going on? Cho: Get your hands up. Markham Willis: No, I, I don't understand. (Cho handcuffs and searches Markham) What are you doing? Cho: Rifle shell. Lisbon: Where'd you get that, Mr. Willis? Markham Willis: I just found it. I was gonna give it to you. Do you think it's connected to those murders? Jane: That's the best you got? Cho: Why'd you shoot those four people, Mr. Willis? Markham Willis: I didn't. Jane: Well, keep in mind that two of them, the Langhams, they were, uh, by-products, latecomers. But Leonard... Leonard you killed because of what's in the lake, didn't you? Markham Willis: I don't know what you're talking about. Jane: Toxic waste. Great, big barrels of it, I expect. Dumped by you. That's why the pot plants in the valley were dying. That's why Derrien Hopwood's child got a rash. Leonard was gonna tell, so you had to shoot him and anyone else that just happened to come along that day. Markham Willis: I don't even know what to say. That is not true. Jane: Well, this is ground zero for the dumping, so the water here must be much more toxic (il rempli son gobelet d'eau du lac) than it is down in the valley. Markham Willis: That is nonsense! Jane: Really? Feeling a little parched? Have a drink. (Jane shoves the cup in Markham's face) Markham Willis: No. No. Lisbon: Why not? Jane: Oh, come on. Cheers. (the cup is close to Markham's mouth) Have a drink. Markham Willis (terrified): No. Jane: Little sip. Markham Willis (panicking): No. No, please, stop. No! All right! INT. CBI Interrogation Room (Markham Willis, Jane, Lisbon) Markham Willis: I tried to get so many ideas across the tribal council. But somebody didn't like it, or it wasn't culturally appropriate, or blah, de, blah, de, blah. So this guy said he needed to dump some stuff, and did I know any place on the rez that he could do it? So I had Leonard take them up to the lake. Well, I figured with his record, he'd take the money and keep his mouth shut. (Flashback. Night, a boat on the lake. From the boat someone dropped toxic barrels) Well, we went well. Got more trucks up there. I mean, something was finally working for me. And then that kid in the valley got a rash. And Leonard was worried. Said we were poisoning the valley, (outdoors day, Leonard and Markham argue) and if we didn't stop, that he was gonna blow the whistle. Then I overheard him on the phone, arranging to meet somebody up at the lake. So I went, too. (Leonard and Jane Doe near the lake. Jane Doe took pictures. Markham is on the other side of the lake and targets them with a rifle scope. They collapse both) Back to the present. Lisbon: When did the Langhams get there? (Flashback. Markham near the bodies of Leonardo and Jane Doe) Markham Willis: I was cleaning up. You know, what they doing there, anyway? (A couple appear next to him, he takes his gun and shoots the two hikers) Back to the present. Jane: Um, they were taking a hike? Markham Willis: I'm sorry. I am. I'm sorry. Jane: Well, that's okay, then. As long as you're sorry. Maybe we'll just let you go.(he leaves the room) I'm kidding. Jane Doe's Hospital Room (Van Pelt, Jane Doe in bed) Van Pelt: Got something for you. Your driver's license. We got it from Markham Willis. Your name is Camille Dillon. You live in Oakland. You're an Internet journalist and writer. We contacted your family. Your mom is on her way from Des Moines. Camille Dillon (looks at her driving license): My name is Camille? Van Pelt: Apparently, you taught Leonard Railton while he was in the juvenile system. A little while ago, he got in touch with you about... Camille Dillon: Wait. Something... something was wrong. They were... Someone was, uh, dumping... Van Pelt: Toxins. Camille Dillon: Y, yes. And he, he wanted people to know. He... He called... And he, he asked for my help. I rem, I remember him. I remember him asking for my help. I remember. I remember me. I know who I am. Night - Team Office (Rigsby, Van Pelt) Rigsby: Just let me finish this up, and we'll go talk to Hightower. Van Pelt: Wayne... Rigsby: What's up? Van Pelt: I love you. I do. But I think I love the job more. Rigsby: Well, job's not a problem. I'm gonna go. Van Pelt: You'd be leaving the unit... for us. Rigsby: So? Van Pelt: I don't want that responsibility. You'll hate me for it. Maybe not today, but someday you will. Rigsby: No, Grace, we... Van Pelt: I'm sorry. Rigsby: You're, uh... certain about this? Van Pelt: I know who I am. (she leaves) CBI Corridors (Hightower, Lisbon, Jane. Walking in the corridor) Hightower: Narcotics picked up the pot farmers off the ranger's confession. I also got a call from a guy named Silverwing about a stunt you pulled up on the Storm River Reservation. Jane: Well, I wouldn't call that a stunt so m... Hightower: Whatever. He was displeased. Lisbon: Yes, ma'am. I filled out a p-90... Hightower: You solved the triple, right? Lisbon: Yeah. Hightower: Nobody got hurt? Jane: No. Hightower: Then the hell with him. You got justice done. Keep up the good work. (gives a friendly pat on the arm, looking at Lisbon) Lisbon: That was unexpected. Jane: I'll say. (Jane and Lisbon are heading to the elevator) Jane (to Van Pelt): Hey, Grace. Van Pelt (without turning): Hi. Lisbon: You all right? Van Pelt (in tears, she enters the elevator): I'm fine. Lisbon (following Van Pelt in): Okay, but... Jane (doesn't enter, makes an excuse): Yeah, I just... I just, uh, forgot my... stuff. (The elevator door closes on the two women)

A "Jane Doe"; covered in blood and suffering from amnesia, steps in front of Cho and Van Pelt's car, and Jane attempts to discover who she is and what happened, which leads to the team finding three additional bodies in a nearby barn. Jane takes up the job of helping the victim get her memory back. Through fingerprint identification, the CBI identifies Leonard Railton as one of the victims and follows clues to an Indian Reservation. Markham Willis, a souvenir shop owner, is discovered as the killer, who had shot Railton and Camille Dillon (Jane Doe) after they found out that he was dumping toxic waste into the reservation's water supply. The other two victims were on a hike and were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Meanwhile, Hightower addresses the issue of the romantic relationship between Rigsby and Van Pelt -- she confronts them about their relationship and instructs them to either break up or decide which one is to be transferred. Rigsby offers to leave the team, but Van Pelt decides to break up with him instead, not wanting the burden of being the reason he leaves the position he worked so hard to get and values so much.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_04x12

fd_Gilmore_Girls_04x12_0

OPEN TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK [Lorelai walks down the sidewalk past people putting up decorations on streetlight for upcoming Firelight Festival. She enters Luke's Diner to find busy lunch hour customers everywhere.] LORELAI: Unbelievable. [she pulls her cell phone from her pocket and hits speed dial] CUT TO RORY'S DORM BEDROOM RORY: Hello? [Scenes change from dorm to diner] LORELAI: There are no empty tables at Luke's. RORY'S VOICE: And I can do what about that? LORELAI: Well, I was hoping you'd develop mind control powers since I last saw you and you could will people to leave. RORY: No. If I could do that, I'd be using it to play the ponies or something. Your table would be low on the list. LORELAI: Selfish! [she looks around and sees Kirk alone at a table] Ooh, hold on a sec. [approaches Kirk] Kirk, may I? KIRK: May you what? LORELAI: Sit with you? KIRK: Here? LORELAI: Yes. KIRK: I have a girlfriend. LORELAI: I'm not flirting with you Kirk. KIRK: Oh. Then, have a seat. LORELAI: Thanks. [she gazes warmly at him and says breathlessly.] I love that shirt. KIRK: It's an Arnold Palmer. LORELAI: That was flirting. KIRK: Oh, man. [looks uncomfortably around] LORELAI: [returns to her cell phone call with Rory now ignoring Kirk] I'm back. So, what's going on with Lane? RORY: She's here. She's fine. She's uh, still a little bit in denial. She hasn't talked to her mom since the kick-out. LORELAI: Poor Mrs. Kim. RORY: Poor Mrs. Kim? She kicked Lane out, I'm mad at her. LORELAI: Why? She must be very lonely without Lane. RORY: Well, Lane's getting along pretty well here. She kind of fallen into a - rhythm. [Lane rushes into the bedroom with travel tray of coffee] Hey. LANE: Hey, Take. [she offers coffee tray to Rory] RORY: Thanks you. Hey, you're out of breath. LANE: There were incredibly slow people in the coffee line, and I promised to wake Paris. [hurries over to Paris' bed] Up and at 'em! PARIS: Die. LANE: I got you a triple espresso that I'm going to put here right out of reach, so sleepyhead has to get up to get it. PARIS: Die twice. LORELAI: Was she at the professor's again last night? RORY: Yes, but she claims she was up all night cramming. LORELAI'S VOICE: Well, she was. RORY: Oh, ick! PARIS: [eavesdropping] Ick what? Are you talking about me? Who is that? RORY: It's my mom. We're not talking about you. You're so paranoid. LORELAI: Uh, hold on a sec. Luke's here. LUKE: [grumpy] I swear, it feels like these stupid Firelight Festivals happen every week. LORELAI: And a happy, happy to you too. LUKE: Order please. LORELAI: Coffee and whatever muffin you have. LUKE: Comin' up. You two an item now? KIRK: [indignant] I have a girlfriend. LUKE: Double dipping, you dog. [walks away] CUT TO DORM RORY: [loads her book bag while talking] You never told me why you're up so early. LORELAI: Well, I've got a quick meeting at the Dragonfly, and then Jason is coming here for the day. RORY: [disbelief] Jason? LORELAI: He's taking the morning off, so I'm taking him shopping for new furniture for his office. RORY: Sounds fun. LORELAI: Yeah. He's never really seen Stars Hollow, so I uh - [quickly hushes as Luke returns to table to fill her coffee cup] RORY: [she finishes Lorelai's sentence]...get to - show him around, right? [Luke pours coffee] LORELAI: Hm. Um-hm. LUKE: Did I interrupt something? LORELAI: No. LUKE: Would my reminding you of the cell phone policy affect your behavior in anyway? [Lorelai hold up her cell phone to the vicinity of Luke's face] LORELAI: It's Rory. LUKE: [he leans closer to the phone] Hello Rory! [to Kirk] How does it feel to be a step-dad? KIRK: [scolding] Knock it off. [Luke walks away] RORY'S VOICE: Gooood thinking. LORELAI: What? RORY: Clamming up. He's always had a problem with your guys. Best to ease into it. LORELAI: Oh. No, no that's not why I stopped talking. CUT TO YALE DORM ROOM [Paris is now sitting up in bed taking first gulp of her espresso, Lane standing near by] PARIS: Whoo, whoo! Good Morning Vietnam! CUT BACK TO LUKE'S DINER LORELAI: What was that? RORY'S VOICE: Paris. She likes to do this thing in the morning with the triple espresso. It's like Jack Nicholson in Easy Rider. PARIS: [leaps to her feet] Jumping Cattle Hockey! RORY: Hey Paris, can you take this somewhere else, please? LORELAI: Ahh, wait, wait, wait. We got a little something else goin' on here -- [An oddly dressed woman stands at the counter talking animatedly] RORY: What's going on? LORELAI: A kinda odd rock-and-roll, hippy-chick came in, she's deep in conversation with Luke, who is not looking too happy -- RORY'S VOICE: What are they saying? LORELAI: Uh, they are rudely out of range. [to Kirk in a sweet voice] Hey hun, hun? Try to move in so you can hear 'em. Go.[motioning him to move closer to Luke] KIRK: [With a nervous chuckle he says to anyone in earshot] She's joking. We're just friends, ha-ha. RORY: A mystery woman! LORELAI: Maybe she has something to do with his apartment? I mean he might be leasing out whichever one he's not using, or it's about his divorce with Nicole or the lack of one if the divorce is definitely off. RORY: Or maybe she's a friend of Nicole's or another attorney if it's not definitely off. [In the background, Lane straightens Paris' bed covers smoothly.] LORELAI: Wait, Luke is the most complicated guy I know who also owns a Doobie Brothers record. PARIS: [off camera] Sweet Mamma Jamma! LANE: Oh! I've gotta wake Tanna. [rushes off] LORELAI: Wait, wait... denoument! [whispers into her phone] He sent her upstairs! RORY: Weird! LORELAI: So what do you think? An early morning tryst with the county dominatrix? RORY: [she takes a sip of her coffee] Hmm, does she have a bag? LORELAI: No. RORY: Then where would all her dominatrix stuff be? LORELAI: Oh, maybe they're using all the stuff he keeps on hand? RORY: Fishing pole? LORELAI: Nolan Ryan's rookie card? RORY: Mystery! LORELAI: Mystery! RORY: Go ask him! PARIS: [off camera] Who's yer daddy! LORELAI: [disappointed] He's in back. RORY: So go back there and ask him! I have to know what's going on. LORELAI: Okay. [loud crashing noise comes from the storeroom] LUKE: [off camera] Aww, crap, crap crap! LORELAI: Oh, maybe later, I don't think now is such a good time. I'll talk to you later. RORY: Later. [Lorelai puts her cell phone away and begins pouting and sighing at Kirk. He looks back dumbly. Lorelai winks and begins making loud kissing noises.] KIRK: [looks away immediately] I have a girlfriend! [Lorelai continues to make loud kissing noises much to Kirk's discomfort.] OPEN TO YALE DORM COMMON ROOM [Lane is finishing last touches on Tanna's hair.] LANE: Okay, open your eyes. TANNA: [holding up a hand mirror) Wow! I'm stunning. LANE: Your stylist concurs. [Rory enters from the bedroom looking around the common room.] RORY: Wow, so organized out here. LANE: I tidied up a little. Excess stuff went into the cabinet. PARIS: [enters] Impressive. [phone rings from bedroom] RORY: I'll get it. [exits] TANNA: [to Paris] How good do I look? PARIS: Would a comedic reply crush you? TANNA: [pause] Probably. PARIS: Terrif. RORY: [from bedroom] Where's the phone? PARIS: Buried somewhere. LANE: [proudly] Tanna's gonna knock boys out today. PARIS: With what? Sheer peculiarity? TANNA: I am hoping that one boy notices. Chester Fleet. LANE: Chester Fleet? TANNA: His father was instrumental in conducting research showing that neurons in the brain fire actively during REM sleep - with the exception of nerve cells involved with the transmitter chemicals serotonin and norepinephrine. PARIS: I'd forgot the first part of that sentence by the time you finished, but I say jump him. TANNA: [uncomfortable] Thanks Lane. See ya later. [she leaves] RORY: [enters from the bedroom] Finally. [answers the phone] Hello? JAMIE: Hi Rory, its Jamie. How you doin'? RORY: Good Jamie. It's been a while. How's the second best school in the country? JAMIE: Princeton's fine. Hard, not as easy as slacker schools like Yale. RORY: I'm assuming you're looking for Paris? JAMIE: Yeah. I'm actually in town for a couple of days, so I'll probably see you at some point. RORY: Great. Here she is. [she hands the phone to Paris and prepares to exit.] PARIS: [briskly]Hey, I was just stepping out the door, what's up? [pause] Fine. [pause] Your hotel room's good? [pause] Good. [pause] Well, probably not tonight, unfortunately. Things are really bad on my end. [pause] I know, I'm so sorry but tonight was tentative, remember? Tonight wasn't set in stone. [pause] Well, I'm - dead tired, I have tons of studying to do and we have a little drama going on here at the suite. Rory's small town friend, Lane, is crashing in with us. She got kicked out of her house, and she's in pretty bad shape. She's pretty heavy into the drugs, totally Nancy Spungening it, chasing the dragon, and I kind of have to be here for support. The chick's bouncing off the walls. [pause] Yeah. Tomorrow, sure, absolutely. [pause] Tonight was tentative, Jamie, I'm sure I told you to pencil it in. Pencil. Okay, bye. [Paris clicks off the phone while both Lane and Rory are frowning at her] PARIS: What? RORY: Nothing. PARIS: I had to say something like that. He doesn't always respond to the fact that I have to study, which I do, you know that. RORY: Oh, sure. PARIS: And I'm seeing him tomorrow anyway. LANE: What's "chasing the dragon?" PARIS: I've gotta go [walks off with Lane pursuing] LANE: But I don't think you should be saying that. [far away] it might get around and I don't... CUT TO STARS HOLLOW WET STREETS [Luke is driving his truck with an annoying tail-gaiter behind him. The black sports car's horn honks, with it's lights flashing - obviously in a hurry] LUKE: Hey, take it easy! [Luke eventually pulls over to curb, and the flashy car roars past. Luke exits his truck.] Jerk! CUT TO LORELAI'S LIVING ROOM [Lorelai is sitting with her purse in lap, waiting. She checks a nearby clock then wanders to her front window and looks out. To her dismay, she sees Jason's black sports car is parked in the driveway with Jason inside.] CUT TO OUTSIDE LORELAI'S FRONT DOOR. [Lorelai approaches Jason's car with muffled sounds of Japanese voices coming from inside. Jason is on a business conference call via his car's speaker-phone. She softly taps the window glass. Jason lowers the window and motions for quiet from Lorelai. The voices sound increasingly agitated.] JASON: Gentleman, gentlemen. There is no way to one hundred percent avoid liability for on-site accidents at any of your plants. It is unfortunate, but international accords preclude it. Uh, can you please translate Mr. Watanabi? MR. WATANABI VOICE: Okay - [continues in Japanese] JASON: [whispering] I'm sorry. LORELAI: What happed to taking the morning off? JASON: I have the morning off. Japan does not have the morning off. Here. [pats the seat next to him] Care to join me? LORELAI: With all those Japanese business men in the car? Kinky. MR. WATANABI VOICE: Kinky? I'm sorry, what is kinky? JASON: Uh, y-you don't have to translate that, Mr. Watanabi. Where are we? MR. WATANABI VOICE: They must confer. JASON: [under his breath] Oh, they really dig conferring. [normal tone] Please tell them that I will call them again tomorrow. Minna-san domo arigato. Gozaimasu. MR. MIDI VOICE: [responds politely in Japanese and disconnects transmission] JASON: Here come on, get in here. It's cold out side. LORELAI: I thought we'd take my Jeep. It holds more stuff. JASON: That's good thinking. [he gets out of the black Mercedes and gives Lorelai and brief but warm kiss] Hello. LORELAI: Hello. JASON: So, where are we off today? LORELAI: Well, I've got a fabulous little list here. [she pats her purse] Lots of places in neighboring Woodbury and we'll have to get a newspaper. JASON: For -- LORELAI: -- finding dead people. JASON: Ah, estate sales, got it. LORELAI: Then we can come back, hit a few places here and then grab some lunch. JASON: Do we have time for coffee now? I haven't had any for hours. LORELAI: For hours? When did you get up? JASON: Five. LORELAI: Wow, they have one of those in the morning too? JASON: You know how Asia is not taking the morning off? Neither is Europe. LORELAI: Well, coffee, it is then. JASON: How about you taking me to that place you're always talking about. What is it, um - Duke's. LORELAI: [chuckles] Duke's. Sure. Or, uh, we could go some place else. JASON: Why? Why not Duke's? LORELAI: It's not so special. JASON: You go there daily. LORELAI: Yeah, but I think Duke's is closed... and it's Luke's. JASON: Closed at eight in the morning on a Friday? LORELAI: Yeah. Sabbath. JASON: Duke's a Jew. LORELAI: No, Luke's a Jew. JASON: Sabbath's not 'til sundown. LORELAI: Well, he likes to get an early jump on his - Sabbathing. JASON: I bet he's open. LORELAI: Okay, but we run the risk of going and then discovering it's closed. JASON: Well, I say live dangerously or not at all. LORELAI: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. All the other coffee in town sucks. Let's just go to Duke's - which is Luke's. JASON: Which is Luke's? LORELAI: [grinning] Dukes. JASON: What? [Lorelai giggles] CUT TO LORELAI'S JEEP IN STARS HOLLOW TRAFFIC [Jason is talking on cell phone while Lorelai drives] JASON: No, no Rietgaard, those documents were Fed-Ex'd to you on Wednesday. Uh, the dok-umen-ten were Fed-Ex'd, on - aw, shoot, on... Monday is maandag, Tuesday is dinsdag... [to Lorelai] How's your Dutch? LORELAI: Oh great. I just don't like to share it. JASON: I'll just have the office fax it all over to you today. It's okay. LORELAI: Hey, is he ice-skating under a windmill, that's the picture I have in my head. JASON: Okay, Rietgaard, good bye. Bye. [closes cell phone and sighs] I am exhausted. LORELAI: Aww, and on your morning off! JASON: Yeah, I stink at taking mornings off. LORELAI: Well, here we are. [she pulls up in front of Luke's diner and turns off Jeep] JASON: Ahh, wait.[A pause as he recognizes Luke's green truck across the street] LORELAI: No more calls. JASON: Whose truck is that? [pointing] Duke's? LORELAI: Yeah, Luke's. JASON: Are they different people? LORELAI: Same person. JASON: And that's his truck. LORELAI: Yes, it's practically an appendage. JASON: [Indicating the familiar diner owner through the window] Sooooo, that would be Luke. LORELAI: Boy, you sure like to do a lot of research before getting a cup of coffee. That's the doorknob. It twists to the right. C'mon. [starts to remove safety belt] JASON: Ahhh - LORELAI: What is with you? JASON: Yeah, I'm not in the mood for coffee anymore. LORELAI: [gasps at the obvious lie] You were jonesing not 5 minutes ago. JASON: No, it's passed. My 5 a.m. coffee just kicked in again. LORELAI: You drink time-released coffee? JASON: [shrugs] It's all the rage. LORELAI: Okay. Well, I want coffee. [pulls off safety belt and prepares to get out] JASON: Okay, I'll wait for you here. LORELAI: What is with you? JASON: [Pause] I-I was kind of tailgating Duke on the drive in. LORELAI: You were tailgating Luke? JASON: Pretty rudely. There was honking. LORELAI: Aw, geez. JASON: Well, I didn't know it was Duke. LORELAI: How fast was he going? JASON: Snail's speed. Like twenty. LORELAI: The speed limit here is twelve! JASON: Okay See this is one of the problems I have with small towns - proximity. [During Jason's rant, Luke looks out the window, recognizes Lorelai's jeep out front. Looking closer he sees a man sitting next to her] You tailgate a guy in Manhattan and you never see him again, you tailgate a guy in a small town, he is the keeper of the coffee. [He looks over at the diner window]. And he is looking at us! LORELAI: Who Luke? JASON: Is that his name? LORELAI: YES! [she peers past Jason to see Luke] JASON: Okay, don't look at him! Don't look at him! LORELAI: This is ridiculous! JASON: Okay go, go, go! [motions for her to drive away] LORELAI: Where?! JASON: Anywhere - else - for coffee, please. LORELAI: Okay. [starts up the engine and drives 5 feet and stops] JASON: Why are we stopping? LORELAI: Um, the next best place for coffee is at this place. [pointing to the next building] JASON: Okay Please find us coffee at least fifty yards away from Duke's. LORELAI: [mocking] Oh, oh okay finding coffee fifty yards from Luke's is another matter. [they drive away] CUT TO YALE CAFETERIA [Rory is taking her lunch tray to a table and almost bumps into Jamie.] JAMIE: Hey Rory. RORY: Oh, Jamie, hi. JAMIE: Sorry to pounce on you like that. RORY: That's okay, you're not pouncing. Wanna sit? [she sets her lunch tray on table] JAMIE: Thanks. [they both sit] Listen, do you - ? RORY: Do I what? JAMIE: Look, I need to find out what's up with Paris, and I don't know who else to ask. RORY: Oh. JAMIE: I mean, I had to rearrange a million things to come here, and I could only manage two days and she won't see me. RORY: Well, you're going to see her tomorrow, aren't you? JAMIE: If she doesn't cancel. RORY: She's not going to cancel. [Jamie gives her a doubtful look] She wouldn't. JAMIE: Well, she's been canceling plans for weeks. She's not calling me as much - I know, I sound pathetic. RORY: No you don't, and Paris has been so busy. You've been a freshman in college, you know what that entails. JAMIE: Yeah. [unconvinced] RORY: Plus, I heard her telling you about my friend, Lane. She's been living in our suite and it's been really unfair to all my roommates. JAMIE: What is "chasing the dragon?" RORY: I don't know, but that's what Lane says she's been doing. She's in cold turkey now - going it, I mean - cold turkey and -- um -- Paris has been really great helping out. JAMIE: Has she been seeing someone else? RORY: [shrugs] Not that I know of. JAMIE: [smiles and rises to go] I'll let you go. Thanks, this actually helped. RORY: Good. It will get better, Jamie. I really think that. JAMIE: Good. [backs away] It's my birthday. RORY: Oh wow, happy birthday. JAMIE: Thanks. [Jamie turns and leaves. Rory watches him walk away] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Luke is at the cash register with a departing customer. Kirk is the only person left in the empty diner.] LUKE: [He hands change to the customer who leaves] Thanks. [walks to the opposite end of the counter and rests his head on the cool surface. The mystery woman enters the diner from the back stairs.] WOMAN: Hey! LUKE: [startled] Oh yeah. WOMAN: You forget about me? LUKE: No, I'm just real, real busy, that's all. WOMAN: [looks around] Looks like a lull to me. LUKE: No, it can be deceptive. Hey, Kirk, you want another piece of pie? KIRK: No, I'm fine. And this is the commencement of your classic mid-morning lull. People off to work, kids off to school. You may not have another soul in here for half an hour. It gets peaceful, quiet - kind of like a sweet death. WOMAN: [murmurs] He's trippy. LUKE: Kirk, are you sure you don't want anything else? KIRK: A spider monkey, but there is probably nothing you can do about it. WOMAN: Cool. C'mon. [disappears behind the drape to go back upstairs] LUKE: Coming sis. [slowly follows her] CUT TO LUKE'SAPARTMENTT - OPEN DOOR LUKE: [He enters, closes the door and looks around] Liz? Liz? LIZ: [her call is muffled and off camera] I'm in the closet. Oh my God. It's still here. LUKE: What's still there? LIZ: My pot. LUKE: Your what? LIZ: I used to stash it in a hole back behind Daddy's files cause it was the one place he wouldn't look. Isn't that wild? It's still here. LUKE: [snatches it from her] Will you give me that. LIZ: Relax, will ya. I don't do that any more. [Luke stuffs it in a kitchen drawer] What are you doing? LUKE: I'm putting it away. LIZ: Throw it in the trash. LUKE: So the garbage man can see it? LIZ: Isn't Hayward Donnelly still the garbage man? LUKE: Yes. LIZ: Well hell, he sold it to me. LUKE: I'll get rid of it, okay Liz? LIZ: Okay, Luke. [she smiles at him] Boy, you look good. What about me, don't I look good? LUKE: [looks uncomfortable] You look fine. LIZ: I do not look fine, I look good. I am good. I am really good, Luke. LUKE: Well, I'm glad. LIZ: [indicates the table] I made us some coffee. LUKE: I don't drink coffee. LIZ: [urges him to sit] Well, sit down and watch me drink it then. Come on, just for a minute. [Luke sits down with Liz and silently watches her pour coffee] Look at us - catching up, and all. I haven't seen you in two years. LUKE: Three years. LIZ: Three years, wow. LUKE: Liz, I gotta know why you're here. LIZ: To see you, I've missed you. LUKE: C'mon. LIZ: I did, plus it's my twentieth high school reunion this Saturday, I thought I'd maybe come back and I'd check out what the rest of the class of 84's up to. LUKE: You're going to your high school reunion? LIZ: I even sent in a picture for the program. Wrote a little thing about myself, about how things are going good, I've got a great job, I've just moved into a really cool apartment with a big patio so I can finally get a dog. Plus, I have got - LUKE: Wait, wait, wait - let me guess. A new, a new boyfriend! LIZ: Yes! LUKE: And this one - Oh, let me guess - is different from the others. LIZ: Yes, he is. LUKE: I dare say, that he might even be the one! LIZ: Well, yeah! LUKE: [he stands and opens the refrigerator] C'mon, Liz. LIZ: You should meet him. LUKE: Well you know what? As long as, unlike the others, he leaves your TV when he takes off, I'll love him. LIZ: Okay, fine. You have good reason to think, to doubt - LUKE: Good reasons? Liz, every time you find the one you wind up with your bank account cleaned out, your stuff missing, crying on the phone to me to bail you out, which I do happily, but you'll understand if I hold off on planning for the bachelor party for a while. [pours orange juice and takes a drink from his glass] LIZ: Sure. Well - anyway - let's talk about something else. LUKE: Yes. Let's talk about something else. You said you had a new job. LIZ: Yes, I do. I do. I'm making my own jewelry: beaded necklaces and earrings, some crystal, getting into feathers now. LUKE: Feathers? LIZ: I'm really good, very big on the renaissance fair circuit. LUKE: What's that? LIZ: That's where I sell them, the renaissance fair circuit. It's a total trip. I wear the long skirt, I have a hat and one of those corsets that squishes my boobs all up high. And I yell "Huzza for the tipper!" LUKE: And that's your great new job? You sell earrings at the renaissance fair? LIZ: I know it sounds flaky - LUKE: Oh no, what - huzzah for the tipper with your squished up boobs, not flaky at all. Look, I have to go back to work. LIZ: Luke, come on. LUKE: What come on, Liz? I mean, you're selling earrings in a booth and you're hooked up with another winner. LIZ: You don't even know him. LUKE: What about your son, huh? What about Jess, you talk to him lately? You notice he's not even here? LIZ: Yeah, he sent me a letter. He's with his father. LUKE: That's it? That's the extent of the contact? LIZ: He's nineteen, you can't tell him anything. LUKE: Well, you definitely can't if you don't try. LIZ: I tried. LUKE: No, I tried, you gave up. LIZ: I thought you'd be better for him that I was. LUKE: Oh yeah, I was great for him. I gave him a place to crash while he lied to me about everything, about going to school, about Wal-Mart - you know I stole his car? LIZ: You what? LUKE: In the middle of the night. I break into his car. I'm stealing it and hiding it in Dad's old garage. LIZ: [chuckling] Why? LUKE: Why? Because I'm crazy. Because I think now he'll have to go to school, now he'll have to graduate, now - [sigh] well, we saw how that all turned out, he went to live with the bum who abandoned him - that's how great a job I did. [he sighs deeply and takes a gulp of his orange juice] LIZ: You tried. LUKE: Well, I'm great at trying aren't I? [deep sigh] LIZ: Well, I know you have a lot of work to do, so I'm gonna go. [she rises and starts to leave] LUKE: Where you staying? LIZ: With Carrie Duncan. LUKE: Crazy Carrie Duncan? LIZ: She's not crazy, she just likes the boys. LUKE: I'll say. LIZ: You should talk. You made out with her at the homecoming game. LUKE: I did not. [Liz laughs in disbelief] I didn't not make out with Crazy Carrie Duncan at the homecoming game. LIZ: It was really good to see you. And you do look good. [Luke stares at his hands] I will make sure Carrie knows that. [exits] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW STREET OUTSIDE KIM'S ANTIQUES. [Lorelai and Jason pull up in her jeep and get out. Jason is still talking on his cell phone.] JASON: Wait, wait, wait, wait the tracking says its in Atlanta. What is it doing in Atlanta? LORELAI: Who is this country that speaks English? JASON: It's America. LORELAI: Everyday she learns something new. JASON: Okay, Dennis, it is time to get proactive on this. LORELAI: This is when mild mannered Jason Stiles suddenly darted into a phone booth and ripped off his shirt and became - Proactive Man. JASON: What? I'm sorry I didn't get that last part. LORELAI: Able to be proactive where ever there is activity of a pro nature. JASON: Dennis, just do this. A messenger is coming in an hour to pick up the box with the checks -- the box with the checks in the drawer by the floor. LORELAI: The vessel with the pestle holds the brew that is true. JASON: [stares at her in disbelief and suppresses a chuckle] I'm sorry, I'm kind of distracted. LORELAI: [hisses] Get off the phone! JASON: [muffles the phone] It's the last one, I promise - two minutes tops. LORELAI: Two minutes and I'm going to throw that thing in the lake. JASON: There's a lake? LORELAI: We just drove by the lake. JASON: Aw, I missed the lake, can we drive by it again later? LORELAI: Two minutes! [exasperated, she walks away to the entrance of Kim's Antiques] CUT TO THE INSIDE ENTRANCE OF KIM'S ANTIQUES [Lorelai enters and looks around. Mrs. Kim enters with a man following.] MRS. KIM: My deliveryman is very good, very dependable. He will call you with a two hour window. Let me check his availability. CUSTOMER: Thank you MRS. KIM: [turns and sees Lorelai] LORELAI: Hi Mrs. Kim. Hi. MRS. KIM: Lorelai. LORELAI: Wow, you've got a lot of new stuff in here. [She watches as Mrs. Kim searches for paperwork in a nearby drawer, then leans closer to speak quietly.] She's fine. She's at Yale with Rory. MRS. KIM: [pulls out schedule book and smiles] Here it is. Let's see, we have Monday between one and three open. CUSTOMER: Great. CUT TO EXTERIOR OF KIM'S ANTIQUES JASON: [still on cell phone] No, no, no. I don't see any reason why that can't work out. LORELAI: [at the entrance - gasps when she sees Jason still on phone] Okay! Ah, I'm sorry but your two minutes are up. Asia, Africa and where ever Jvork is from is just going to have to wait because I'm putting a kibosh on that phone. [Jason waves and gestures wildly to her as she approaches him] I'm sorry mister but I'm clicking that thing off myself. JASON: No, no, no. I am still here, Emily! [Lorelai gasps] There's just a lot of commotion around me. No, I'm not in the office. I took the morning off. Yes, Richard deserves a morning off too. Okay, I'll see you at the hotel. Okay, bye. [clicks phone closed and turns to Lorelai] I pulled a muscle waving at you. LORELAI: How was I supposed to know you were talking to my mother? JASON: It was a very personal wave. It was a big, broad, over the top personal wave. LORELAI: She called you? JASON: She called. LORELAI: [Mock serious tone] Are you doing like a Mrs. Robinson thing with my mother? JASON: [return mock serious tone] Yes. I was visiting Richard one day, and he stepped out and Emily lit a cigarette and did that triangle thing with her thigh. LORELAI: Well, you said hotel. JASON: Well, she wants me to come to some charity thing at a hotel tomorrow. [Lorelai's cell phone rings and moves to answer] Hey, wait, wait a minute. If I can't be on the phone then you cannot be on the phon.. LORELAI: [she answers the call] Hello? CUT TO ELDER GILMORE LIVING ROOM AND MOVES BETWEEN STARS HOLLOW AND LIVING ROOM EMILY: Lorelai, its me. JASON: Lorelai Gilmore's a hypocrite! LORELAI: Hello Emily! EMILY: Why are you calling me Emily? LORELAI: 'Cause that's your name, ask me again and I tell you the same. EMILY: And who was that yelling? LORELAI: No one you'd know. What's up? EMILY VOICE: Well, I'm having trouble filling these eight seats your father bought for the rare manuscript acquisition charity dinner tomorrow night. JASON: [answers his ringing phone] This is Jason. Oops. [walks away from Lorelai] EMILY: That's the same man I heard before. Is he harassing you? LORELAI: [slowly walks away from Jason's conversation] Ah, err, yes. I'm on the street. Get away you! It's just insanity out here today. EMILY: Well, that's not good. Walk down a different street. LORELAI: I'm turning the corner as we speak. So, what, there's a manuscript thing? EMILY: Yes, it's a fund-raiser, and we're stuck and I'm desperate for attendees. LORELAI: I'll go. Sure. Yes. EMILY: Really? LORELAI: I'll be there. How much - how much do I give? EMILY: Nothing. We've already paid. LORELAI: Okay, why don't you leave the details on where to meet up and all on the home machine. EMILY: I will, thank you, and please get out of the street. LORELAI: I will, bye. [she walks back to where Jason is standing] JASON: Okay, okay, bye. [hangs up] Did she hear me? LORELAI: Yes, but she thinks you're a raving street loon. JASON: Okay, this is exactly the reason why I hate hiding relationships LORELAI: I know. JASON: We're gonna get caught. LORELAI: We can't tell them. JASON: We're gonna get caught. LORELAI: This is just a freak occurrence. JASON: This is destined to be repeated. LORELAI: They'll be mad that I hid it. JASON: They'll be madder the longer you hide it. LORELAI: They'll screw things up, I don't want that. I like us. JASON: But, it's inevitable. They're gonna see us together someplace, or a traffic report will take pictures of cars on the expressway and we'll be sitting in the car - and then Richard will be watching the news and he will see us, so barring some sort of Star Trek-like cloaking device - which was problematic in every incarnation of Star Trek - I remember Kirk complaining about it, I remember Picard complaining about it - they will see us, and we'll get caught. LORELAI: I'm very uncomfortable dating a Trekkie. JASON: Ah, I-I just don't feel good about this. It makes me very nervous. Listen, I've a very difficult phone call this morning with our Japanese partners and I didn't ever break a sweat, I had that testy call from the client from California - not a drop, but your mother calls and I'm soaked through. LORELAI: On your morning off too, I'm sorry. JASON: That's okay. LORELAI: Do you want me to wring your shirt out for you? JASON: No, it's old - and I like us too, by the way which is why I feel so strongly about this. LORELAI: I know. JASON: I'm not mad. LORELAI: I know that too. [guiltily shifts her feet] JASON: And I'll do what ever you want, you know them better than I. LORELAI: I'll tell them. JASON: Really? LORELAI: Yes. Yes. Tonight's our Friday night dinner. Dad's gone, but starting with Emily might be for the best. JASON: I could talk to Richard, if you want. LORELAI: Oh no, its my thing. I'll do it. JASON: Good. Oh, look phone is off. LORELAI: Oh. Good, let's go buy some furniture. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO DORM COMMON ROOM [Rory enters and looks around. Paris is sitting by herself with C-Span playing on TV] RORY: So, you're just sitting here watching TV? PARIS: I'm studying. Look at Ted Kennedy, huh? I always admired him as a senator, but you see him and think: It's just so unfair that fat men look good in suits. We girls get a couple of pounds and every piece of fashion betrays... RORY: [clicks off the TV] Off. PARIS: What? RORY: I want to talk to you about your boyfriend situation, Paris. PARIS: Jamie? RORY: I'm sorry, I should have clarified "boyfriends." PARIS: Oh. You mean a certain other fella. RORY: Let's cut the coyness. I want to talk about you having an affair with Professor Asher Fleming and at the same time stringing along poor Jamie, with no concern for his feelings. PARIS: It's not an affair. RORY: Affair. Relationship. Fling. Tete-a-tete. What ever you want to call it. PARIS: Well, I'm very surprised by this. RORY: How so? PARIS: You've never wanted to discuss Asher before. RORY: Well, I don't particularly want to discuss him now, but I'm forced to. PARIS: What's forcing you -- RORY: I just ran into Jamie, and he's wandering around lonely, missing you, scared of losing you, and you're sitting here watching C-SPAN! PARIS: Nobody watches C-SPAN. It's just on in the background. RORY: Well you gotta choose Paris, because this is becoming pretty clear that the what-ever-you-want-to-call-it with the professor is not a short-lived thing. PARIS: I'd say that's accurate, and you can just call him Asher. RORY: No, he's my teacher, so I think I'll stick with professor. PARIS: Professor just makes him sound old. RORY: He IS old! PARIS: He's sixty. Today's sixty is what fifty was twenty years ago and he's got the body of a forty year old. RORY: I really don't want to talk about his body. PARIS: I'm not denying that we've got a May-December romance going on here. RORY: This is not May-December, this is May - Ming Dynasty. PARIS: An age difference like this is very common. People dating people the same age are passe now. RORY: My grandfather introduced you to him. Do you see how awkward this is for me? PARIS: Well, hot men tend to run in packs. RORY: Do not ever say anything like that again. PARIS: Mary, you are such a prude. RORY: Well, at least I'm not mean to people who love me. Where is your heart? PARIS: I know I've mishandled the Jamie situation. He just can't take a hint. RORY: Well, you gotta do something, because one of us here does care about Jamie and I think its me. PARIS: I know. He's my first real boyfriend. RORY: Well, you got lucky with him. PARIS: And he's crazy about me, I never quite figured out why. RORY: Oh, don't get so self-deprecating. It's obnoxious. PARIS: He's been so forgiving. I've been pretty mean. [picks up cordless phone and starts dialing] RORY: Just talk to him and see how it goes. PARIS: [into phone] Hey, it's me. We've got to end this - now. [Rory is shocked.] There's just no reason to prolong it. Sorry you came all the way out here. Well, Rory show me the light. She made me see there's just no point in going on. RORY: Paris! PARIS: No, she just came home and we talked. She's right here if you want to ask her, yourself. RORY: Do not give me that phone! PARIS: Anyhow, I'm really sorry Jamie. Really. Bye. RORY: That had all the tact of a Nazi storm trooper. PARIS: It was your idea. RORY: Breaking up was not my idea. PARIS: Well, he'd be stupid if he thought that's why I'd do it. [stands and paces] This was good. It was right. I'm glad I did it. You can have the TV if you want. [exits to bedroom] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW OUTSIDE DAY [Luke helps elderly Mrs. Cassini down the curb as she holds a bag of groceries] MRS. CASSINI: Hello Luke. It's getting cold again isn't it? LUKE: Yup, it's that unpredictable time of year, Mrs. Cassini. MRS. CASSINI: Stay warm. LUKE: Yeah, you too. [He approaches a small locked garage and searches for the key. He notices the lock has been cut. He opens the swinging doors and sees a large wide empty space inside. He expression changes from shock to disappointment.] CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S DINER LUKE: [talking on phone] It's a Rambler Ambassador, four door, a rusty brown pretty much a beat-up clunker. [pause] No. I don't know how long its been missing. [pause] I mean I saw it for sure last week. Nah, I don't drive it much, it's a second car, okay? [long pause and he sighs] Just, just call me when you find it. Thanks, Bye. [he hangs up] CUT TO DORM BEDROOM [Rory is packing clothes as Paris enters] PARIS: Oh hey. RORY: Hey. PARIS: Tanna just told me that that Chester Fleet guy liked her hair and asked her out. She's throwing up now. RORY: Good for her. PARIS: Going somewhere? RORY: Home for the weekend. PARIS: Just to get away from me? RORY: No, I've got dinner at my grandma's tonight - obligatory thing - and our town's having its Firelight Festival tomorrow which I haven't missed since I was one, so not seeing you is - Well - quite frankly just a fringe benefit. PARIS: Would it make you feel any better to know how awful I feel? RORY: Nope. PARIS: I don't understand why you're so upset about this. RORY: I know you don't. PARIS: I tried to call Jamie again, he won't pick up. RORY: Can you blame him? PARIS: No. I know I let it go too long. I just wasn't sure what Asher was thinking at first. I wasn't sure if it was just a fling for him. But over the past couple of weeks, he's been mentioning stuff about the future. He's spending a month teaching a couple of courses at Oxford over the summer and then he asked me what I was planning to do over the summer. I mean there is a definite implication that he was wondering if I was available during the summer. I think he might ask me to go with him to Oxford. I mean, why else would he ask? RORY: Beats me. PARIS: I'm not counting my chickens... RORY: Its good thinking. PARIS: But it is the first indication. RORY: Look, I've gotta hit the road. PARIS: It was his accent that did it. I'm such the total Anglophile. When I was a kid, I was in love with Neal Kinnock. RORY: Who? PARIS: The former head of the Labour party. Teeth like a horse, but oh that voice, and then there was Roger Moore - RORY: English accents are nice. PARIS: He TiVos Frontline. RORY: Who does? PARIS: Asher. So we can watch it together. RORY: Terrific. PARIS: You don't think he meant we'd be together this summer? RORY: I wasn't there. PARIS: I'm not counting my chickens. RORY: I think that's smart. [starts to leave] PARIS: I never wanted to hurt Jamie. I just don't know how to do these things. I'm not very nice sometimes. I hope Asher doesn't see that in me. [long pause] I didn't mean to hold you up. Have a good weekend. RORY: [pauses at the door] I just want you to be happy. You know that, right? PARIS: [smiles for the first time] Thanks. I'm happy. CUT TO LORELAI'S INTERIOR FRONT DOOR [Rory enters to hear loud music.] RORY: [calls out over the blare of the music before turning volume down] Mom? Hello? LORELAI: [comes down stairs] Oh, Rory. Good. I did not go suddenly half deaf. Were you supposed to meet me here? RORY: No, I'm a surprise. LORELAI: As was your conception. RORY: I'll just be two minutes. [exits to go to her room to change] LORELAI: As was your conception. RORY: [call off camera] Hey, how was your day with Jason? LORELAI: Fun! He makes me laugh. RORY: Aww, I like that LORELAI: [calls out so Rory can hear] He's very off-center. It's been a while since I've been with someone off-center. RORY: Cool. LORELAI: I'm telling Mom tonight - about us. RORY: I think Grandma knows you're my mother. LORELAI: About me and Jason. [Rory walks into the front hall, putting on her coat.] RORY: Very brave. LORELAI: Yeah. [she joins Rory and they walk through the kitchen] Jason's wanted to from the beginning. It's the mature thing to do and that's why I didn't want to do it, but it's time. RORY: That's weird [looking in kitchen cabinet] LORELAI: What's weird? RORY: This. [takes out loaf of bread] LORELAI: Bread? Bread is weird? RORY: It's weird when its here. It does not make a good snack. LORELAI: It does when you add stuff to it, like cheese. RORY: We have cheese? [moves to the refrigerator and opens] LORELAI: Yeah. It's not "Donner Pass", we have cheese. RORY: Whoa! It's like a frickin' cornucopia. LORELAI: Yeah, there's the stuff. RORY: There's the cheese! LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. Why are you making such a big deal about this? RORY: Because we never had real food in this house the whole time I was growing up. LORELAI: What? We always had food. This fridge was never empty. RORY: Well, yeah. We had left overs from take-out - cold pizza, Luke's fries, but never stuff you had to assemble. LORELAI: Okay chill out on the inquiry. [pushes door closed] RORY: Is that a cucumber? LORELAI: Listen, you'd make a terrible private investigator, because you get hung up on all sorts of dumb stuff that does not matter - now come on. We're late, I'll drive. [leads her out the kitchen door] RORY: Sounds good. [points to the basket on the stove] Oh my God, is that a tomato? LORELAI: Enough already. Let's go. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - INTERIOR FROM DOOR [Emily opens to greet Lorelai and Rory] EMILY: Ah, my girls are arriving together. LORELAI: Hi, Mom. RORY: Hi, Grandma. EMILY: You smell like coffee. [assists the maid with their coats] RORY: We haven't had any. EMILY: It's so strong. LORELAI: Okay, Mom. I really don't like you sniffing me. RORY: Hey where's Grandpa tonight? EMILY: He's in Manhattan having dinner with clients. He just called. They're at some restaurant near Times Square. He said that Times Square just keeps getting cleaner and cleaner. They didn't stumble upon one prostitute the whole night. LORELAI: Oh yeah. I heard the Disney Company had them all killed. EMILY: What I don't understand is why Jason wouldn't make this trip instead. LORELAI: Oh. Well, he's maybe busy with his own thing. EMILY: I know for a fact he wasn't. Richard said he took the whole morning off. LORELAI: Well, everyone deserves an occasional morning off. EMILY: Richard never takes a morning off. He's up every day at five-thirty on the phone then it's out the door to the office. I bet Jason doesn't roll out of bed until eight. LORELAI: On the contrary - he - probably gets up earlier than eight. You know, I would think that he would have to, to keep up with Dad. RORY: [frowning] Makes sense. LORELAI: [uncomfortable] Just a guess. EMILY: I just find that boy so irritating. He's always trying to get in good with me. Complimenting me, agreeing with me. He's absolutely prostrating himself at my feet. It's so weak. LORELAI: Well you're a formidable opponent, Mom. They don't call you the Edie Amine of the DAR for nothing. EMILY: He's so grating about it. I'm never fully comfortable around him. LORELAI: Well you should maybe try harder. EMILY: I try. But every time I see him a new facet of his Jason-ish comes out. LORELAI: It's good to have different facets, and there's probably a lot you don't know about him. EMILY: Oh, I'm sure about that. You two would be perfect for each other. LORELAI: What? Who, me and Jason? EMILY: A match made in heaven. LORELAI: Well, thanks a lot! EMILY: Don't get upset. [rises to go make drinks] LORELAI: Well Mom, you just spent the last five minutes listing every off-putting quality Jason has, real or imagined and then you put me on his level and you say we're perfect together. [Emily begins laughing at the bar table] What's so funny? EMILY: I'm sorry - [continues to laugh] LORELAI: Did I miss something? Did a clown come in behind me and start doing funny pratfalls, what? EMILY: Just the idea of you and Jason together, it's funny. LORELAI: [to a grinning Rory] It's funny. EMILY: It's really funny. I just said it as a joke. LORELAI: You said it as a joke. EMILY: You took it so seriously. LORELAI: But why is it so funny? EMILY: Well, think about it. LORELAI: I am. I just trying to figure out what you're thinking. EMILY: Well, it's obvious. LORELAI: It's not obvious to me or to Rory. Rory's wondering, aren't you? RORY: Yeah, why is that so funny, Grandma? EMILY: It would just be so ludicrous. LORELAI: But why, because he's a - you know, he's a hard-working guy from what I know. EMILY: [continues to laugh harder] I'm sorry, you're making me laugh even harder about it. I just said it off hand. LORELAI: I know. EMILY: [offers drink to Lorelai] Martini? LORELAI: You didn't have to shake it much with all that laughing, you know, the laughing just shook it on up for ya. EMILY: It's good to laugh like that once in a while. LORELAI: Oh yeah. I know. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE EXTERIOR FRONT DOOR [Lorelai and Rory exit and walk toward their car. Lorelai appears unusually quiet.] RORY: You okay? [Lorelai doesn't respond] You didn't tell her. Next time? How are your motor skills? I'll drive. [She takes the keys from her mother] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Police officer Cooper enters and approaches the counter where Luke is standing] COOPER: Luke. LUKE: Oh, Hey Coop. COOPER: Good news, found the car. LUKE: Oh good. Who would steal that thing. It's just a hunk of junk. COOPER: It broke down on the expressway a couple of hours ago, the guy was in it. LUKE: You got the guy? COOPER: Yeah, but there's not a lot we can do, the guy's the owner. LUKE: What do you mean? I'm the owner. COOPER: Well, not according to the registration. It's registered to a -- LUKE: Jess Mariano. [watches the tow truck drive by] COOPER: Yep. Says you're his uncle. Registration's long expired, too. It needs seeing to. But I just figured that since these seems like a family matter, I'd bring the car and the kid back to you. [Luke watches Jess step out of the police cruiser.] LUKE: Yeah, a family matter. CUT TO A VERY COLD STARS HOLLOW NIGHT - OUTSIDE NEAR THE FRONT OF LUKE'S DINER [Voices are heard off camera while tow truck attendant is lowering Jess' car to the pavement.] COOPER: Where do you want it? LUKE: Right there's fine. JESS: This isn't wasn't my idea. COOPER: You'll take care of the registration? [camera on Luke and Jess on the sidewalk. Officer Cooper is getting in his squad car.] LUKE: Yeah, thanks Coop. JESS: [sarcastic] Yeah, thanks Coop. COOPER: [to his partner] Lets go, Frank. LUKE: Well, look who's back. JESS: I'm only here to retrieve my property. LUKE: [crossed arms] You've got a lot of nerve. JESS: You've got a lot of nerve. LUKE: How so? [squad car drives away as they talk] JESS: You stole my car. Coop should have arrested you, why didn't he arrest you? LUKE: Free donuts. JESS: Beautiful. LUKE: So you got anything you wanna say? JESS: You could have washed it once in a while? LUKE: Okay fine, the car is yours, our business here is done, hasta la vista, have a nice life. [starts to leave] JESS: Our business here is not done. My car is wrecked because of you. LUKE: Oh yeah? JESS: Three of the tires are leaking, its got no oil, the floats in the carburetor are probably cracked so it's back-firing like mad, I mean, people were ducking when I was driving by. Then it stalled and wouldn't start. LUKE: Well, you can find Mr. Goodwrench in the Yellow Pages, I think it's under M or is it G? I can never tell with those kinds of things. JESS: You're paying for the repairs. LUKE: Oh, don't make me laugh. JESS: It's broken because of you. LUKE: That thing was a piece of junk to begin with, the paint is the only thing holding it together. JESS: And the expired registration? I'm gonna have to pay a fine. LUKE: So, I guess it didn't work out with your dad, huh? JESS: It worked out fine. LUKE: So, what are you doing back East, buddy? Still searching? JESS: Been traveling. LUKE: Well, thanks for all the swell cards and letters you sent while you were away. JESS: You kicked me out, what were you expecting - a candygram? LUKE: I didn't kick you out, you got yourself kicked out. JESS: Nice spin, you should work for Bush. LUKE: So what did you get out of this Kerouac trip of yours? You write the great American novel or something? You learn how to play the harmonica? JESS: What do you care, you're not my guardian anymore. LUKE: And I bless every day that I'm not. JESS: Well, when you're not good at something, it's best to cut and run. LUKE: Aww, I'm sorry I tried to give you a decent life, Jess. I'm sorry I didn't think driving a fork-lift for the rest of your life was good enough for you. JESS: Oh that is condescending, isn't it? I thought you were a friend of the working man. LUKE: Oh, that sister of mine, what a prize. What a prize. JESS: What does she have to do with any of this? LUKE: I tell her about the car, she runs and tells you. That's what happened, right? Her claiming she had no contact. JESS: Again, the car is mine. Liz was doing the right thing, that's what family does. LUKE: Family? What a joke coming from you. JESS: Go clean your counters, I'm tired. LUKE: So, you staying in town? JESS: I don't know of any twenty-four hour auto shops around here, do you? LUKE: Well, you're not staying with me. JESS: It didn't cross my mind. LUKE: Get it fixed quick. JESS: Believe me, no one wants it fixed faster than me. LUKE: You stay away from her while you're here. JESS: Stay away from who? LUKE: You know who I mean. JESS: Gee, you're so cryptic. LUKE: You've done all the damage there you're gonna, okay? JESS: I'm here to get my car, then I'm gone. [walks away from Luke toward his stranded car] LUKE: Where are you staying? JESS: Backseat's as comfy as anywhere. LUKE: Fine. [As Jess gets in his chilly car, Luke returns to his diner] CUT TO ANOTHER PART OF THE STARS HOLLOW STREET [Rory and Lorelai exit Taylor's Soda Shoppe and walk together] RORY: Please do not say that word again. LORELAI: It's a free country. RORY: Just say hot chocolate or say nothing at all. LORELAI: Mmm, terrific "Ho-Cho". RORY: Oooh, I hate that. It's so cutsey-wootsey. LORELAI: Do you hate it as much as my favorite summer treat? RORY: Don't! LORELAI: An ice-cold Fro-Yo! [takes out her cell phone] RORY: Stop! Just stop - who are you calling? LORELAI: I'm calling Jason, I promised I would check in. [cell phone rings] Hello. CUT TO JASON'S APARTMENT AND BACK TO STARS HOLLOW. JASON: I'm dying here, how'd it go? LORELAI: Weeeell, it didn't. JASON: [disappointed sigh] Oh. LORELAI: Sorry. JASON's VOICE: You chicken out? LORELAI: Na - it's a long story - the timing was very bad. [Rory stands shivering] JASON'S VOICE: You chickened out. LORELAI: No, no. I - ah, yeah - kind of. [Rory and Lorelai continue to walk down the sidewalk] JASON: Lorelai, we've got to do it. LORELAI: Well, the timing has to be right JASON: It's going to be awkward no matter when you do it. LORELAI: Not if they're both unconscious. JASON: Yeah, but then you're going to be dealing with why both your parents are unconscious, and doctors consultations, and phoning friends and relatives - the timing is bad there too. LORELAI: Listen, it's ah - trust me, this was not good timing, and I swear to you there'll be much better timing in the near future. [their stroll takes them to the front of Luke's diner where they stop. Rory notices a familiar car parked across the street. She slowly walks toward it.] Well, near is near - I can't define it more than that. Uh, it's closer than far, how's that? RORY: [She stands close enough to see Jess asleep in the backseat.] I don't believe this. LORELAI: [concerned] Uh, honey - I gotta call you back, okay? Bye. Um, is that - ? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Oh. RORY: I don't believe this. LORELAI: What is he doing here? RORY: What is he doing - there? [indicating the car] LORELAI: Asleep in his car - is he living in it? RORY: I don't see stuff. LORELAI: Does Luke know he's here? RORY: Well, I know what you know. LORELAI: [disbelief] He - may not know. RORY: Well, it's right in front of his place. How could he not know? LORELAI: Well, it's freezing out here. He could die, he must not know. RORY: Or doesn't care. LORELAI: Do you think David Blain put him up to this? RORY: Why is he here? I mean, why did he come back? LORELAI: Light's still on in there, Luke's in there somewhere - should we go talk to him? RORY: [uncomfortable] No. It's too weird. [shivers] And it's - weird. LORELAI: Definitely weird. RORY: Well, I'll just see you at home. I'm - cause I don't want to deal with this. I'll see you at home. [She quickly walks off, while Lorelai pauses a moment before walking to Luke's diner door.] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER INTERIOR - CLOSED [Lorelai taps on the door's glass window and Luke approaches and opens it.] LUKE: Hey, come on in. LORELAI: Are you aware of whose out there? LUKE: Yeah, I'm aware [continues to stack chairs on tables] LORELAI: That he's sleeping in his car? LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: It's about thirty-five degrees. LUKE: He's a tough guy, he can take it. LORELAI: Luke, why is he back here? LUKE: Because I'm stupid. LORELAI: Meaning? LUKE: Well his mom showed up -- for what reason I don't know -- I'm still waiting for that shoe to drop. I mention Jess' car and then - boom - there's Jess. LORELAI: So the mystery woman from this morning? That's Liz? LUKE: In all her glory LORELAI: Quite a day you've had. LUKE: Oh, it's been delightful. I think Bobby McFerrin's gonna write one of those happy boop-boopdy-doo songs of his about this. I mean, she lied to me about having contact with Jess, so she's lied about everything else. LORELAI: But why is he sleeping in his car? LUKE: Because he's going to wait to have it fixed, it's a point of pride with the little punk. But please, don't tell Rory, he'll be gone tomorrow, no reason to upset her. LORELAI: Well, she's already seen him. LUKE: [grimacing] Oh man! LORELAI: She's fine Luke. She's over it. LUKE: Well, he won't go near her, I'll make sure of that. LORELAI: Again, I don't think it's necessary. She can fend for herself. LUKE: [exasperated] What a lie it all is! LORELAI: All what is? LUKE: Families. I mean, they're just messes. It's like this - spilled drink that just keeps spilling, and ya gotta keep cleaning it up, and you scrub and you scrub and you just can't get the stain up! Show me a happy family - just one. Didn't that Tolstoy-guy say something about families? LORELAI: Probably LUKE: It's a famous thing he said. It's like: "all families are unhappy" ...or, or, or "happy on the surface"... or "unhappy in the same way"... LORELAI: Sounds a little incomplete. LUKE: Well, y'know, maybe he couldn't complete the thought because he was dealing with his stinkin' family. LORELAI: Do the Hallmark people know about you? 'Cause you're a natural. LUKE: (throws his hands up helplessly) I'm tired of cleaning up messes. I'm tired of helping people who do nothing to help themselves! LORELAI: I'm sorry you're so upset. I just don't want you to have to deal with the frozen carcass in the morning LUKE: He'll be fine. LORELAI: Okay. Try to get some rest, okay? Relax. Watch a little TV - no family shows... LUKE: (chuckles) Yeah, yeah... I'm going up now. LORELAI: Bye. [she leaves and Luke, obviously upset, watches after her] CUT TO LORELAI'S LIVING ROOM [Lorelai enters front door shivering. Rory is studying on the couch.] RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Hey. So, do you want an update? RORY: I guess. LORELAI: Well, the whole thing - the mystery woman from this morning? Jess' mom. RORY: Whoa. LORELAI: Still a mystery though. Luke's not quite sure what she's up to. RORY: She came with Jess? LORELAI: She called him or something. It's very confusing. Luke was not in an expansive story telling mood. All he knows is that Jess said he came for his car and he's not leaving without it. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Yeah. Which means he might be here part of the day tomorrow, so uh, "Danger, Will Robinson." RORY: I can live with it, really. LORELAI: That's what I told Luke. RORY: Good. LORELAI: Okay. So, I'm going to go upstairs, get warm - Good night. RORY: Hey, um, before you go. LORELAI: Hmm? RORY: What happened to our movie channels? LORELAI: What do you mean? RORY: Well, I was flipping through cable and a bunch of our channels are gone. LORELAI: Oh. Well, that's not right. RORY: And you have bread. LORELAI: [chuckles] There's a connection? RORY: Are you skimping? LORELAI: What? RORY: Cutting back on things, cable, eating out, the bread, the cheese, the tomato LORELAI: Okay, hey - if you're going to try me in a court of law, the bread, the tomato and I will need to hire a lawyer. RORY: There's no takeout in the fridge, no takeout containers in the trash. LORELAI: You're going through the trash? RORY: And I'm not seeing the stacks of magazines lying around. We always subscribe to everything. LORELAI: Yes, we do. I've read them all, they're in recycle bin - you can go check. RORY: It even seems a little darker in here - like you're using a lower watt bulb, or something. LORELAI: Oh my God, you're reading into everything. RORY: You're not having money problems? LORELAI: No. I mean, I'm not going to be on the Fortune 500 list anytime soon, but I'm fine. RORY: With the Inn and everything? LORELAI: Yes. We're getting a horse. RORY: Cool. And food for the horse? LORELAI: He'll be well fed. RORY: Just as long as you're well fed too. LORELAI: Yeah, I'll call the cable company in the morning. I think we should be getting those channels. RORY: Well, you'd tell me, right? LORELAI: Yes. RORY: [closes her study folder and kisses Lorelai's cheek] Well, goodnight. LORELAI: Good night angel. [Rory rises and leaves. When she is out of sight, Lorelai clicks off the nearby table lamp.] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER DARK INTERIOR [Luke sighs as he looks out the front window at Jess' parked car. He shrugs and comes to a decision] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW EXTERIOR - STREET [Luke approaches Jess' stranded car and pounds loudly on the window.] JESS: [muffled inside as Luke continues pounding on the glass] Go away. [Eventually Jess impatiently rises and rolls down the window.] What? LUKE: I'm spending the night with Nicole. JESS: Thanks for the update. LUKE: The hidden key is still in the same place. Now, you can stay out here and freeze to death if you want or you can go inside, I don't really give a damn, it makes no difference to me. [walks off without waiting for an answer] JESS: Fine. [rolls his window up] [Luke gets in his green pickup truck and drives off around a corner. After a pause, the door of Jess' car opens and he gets out heading straight for the diner. Luke quietly rolls around the block corner to secretly watch Jess' progress. Jess neatly finds the hidden key and enters the diner. Luke sighs and drives off.]

Luke has his hands full as family members return to Stars Hollow: Liz for her high school reunion and Jess for his car. Lane busies herself at Yale by being the suite's Helpful Hannah. Lorelai agrees to accompany Jason on an office furniture shopping trip on his morning off, but the press of international business calls keeps getting in the way. Jamie's in town, and Paris keeps avoiding him. Lorelai and Jason agree that Emily and Richard need to be told about their relationship, but Lorelai just can't bring herself to do it after Emily mocks both Jason and the idea that he would ever hit it off with her daughter. Rory's finally speaking her mind on Paris's romantic entanglements backfires when Paris decides she has a future with Asher and breaks up with Jamie. Rory becomes concerned that her mother is having financial problems. When Lorelai and Rory discover Jess sleeping in his car in the freezing cold after an argument with his uncle, Lorelai intercedes on his behalf with Luke, who relents and allows Jess to come inside while Luke spends the night in Litchfield.

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fd_Salem_01x11_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Increase: This whore is hereby banished. Anne: I am sorry about your girl. Aah! Increase: He is rendered incapable of speech. Mercy: Tituba held a spider to her neck. She seemed to feed it. Increase: You have but to tell me a name. Tituba: [Whispers indistinctly] Increase: And she started with Mercy Lewis. Mary: Mercy? Increase: I will have her and her girls. Mary: She's not here. She went out this afternoon. She's not returned. Increase: You can imagine my shock to discover that John Alden stands behind all of Salem's horror. Selectman: I place you under arrest for witchcraft. [Rooster crows, horse neighs] Increase: There was a time I wished you my own son. John: Then you know I'm no witch. Increase: Sadly, Captain... I do not know you at all anymore. Mary: Do you truly believe him guilty? Increase: Whatever I believe of John Alden is not at issue here. This is why we have a trial. Mary: A trial of John Alden. Increase: Does this surprise you? Your own servant's accusations were firm and... and very clear. Unless... Unless, of course, perhaps your own feelings cloud your judgment? Mary: Any feelings I once had for John Alden were extinguished once I gave my heart to George. Increase: Ah. Mary: But it is not my feelings that concern me. Increase: Then whose? Mary: Salem's. John Alden is a firebrand, but he is adored by the commoners. I've already heard their whispers of dismay. Increase: Tell me... are you suggesting that I not bring Alden to trial? Mary: No. I am suggesting you do not fight this battle alone. Allow the select board to decide whether a trial is warranted. With their backing... and I assure you, you have it fully... you will quell any dissent. Increase: And are you confident that the board will vote to bring Alden to trial? Mary: As sure as I stand before you. Increase: Yes. I shall summon the board at once. Thank you. Mary: Oh, and, Reverend? Any luck in finding mercy Lewis? She, too, must face her day of reckoning. Increase: Not yet. But I'm a patient man. And a witch can't hide forever. ["Cupid Carries a Gun" plays] Pound me the witch drums witch drums pound me the witch drums pound me the witch drums the witch drums better pray for hell not hallelujah Anne: What is it? Tell me. And why you felt the need to destroy it. Mr. Hale: Tell you? Was it not you who just told me that it was a magical transporting mask? Did I get that right? Anne: Don't you dare mock me. I've afforded you the privacy to explain. Mr. Hale: Which I have done many times. It is an artifact of my travels. Anne: Stop. No more lies. I simply want the truth. Mr. Hale: The truth of the mask? Anne: The truth of you. Of who and what you are. Fine. Perhaps there is someone who is not yet tired of my questions, someone with knowledge of other worlds who isn't afraid to share it. Increase Mather. Mr. Hale: What on earth would you want to bother him with this nonsense for? Anne: Nonsense? Why don't we see if Increase regards this as nonsense? For I do not believe he will. Mr. Hale: Anne. Anne! Increase: Mm. Do you know why I came back to Salem? Cotton: Lovely. More questions I can answer to your dissatisfaction. Increase: Not only to hunt witches, but to make a man of my son. Cotton: You found some witches? So your trip is not a total loss. Increase: Do you really not see the path that I've set you on? The whore is gone. A rare opportunity awaits you now to announce yourself before the entire province. Cotton: And what is that? Increase: Tomorrow I shall bring John Alden's case before the board. Cotton, you are a persuasive... nay, a gifted speaker. I want you there by my side. Cotton: I will not. John Alden is my friend, perhaps my only one. Increase: And you would allow friendship to stand in the way of your own elevation? Cotton: He is innocent. And you know it. Increase: Do I? Do you? A man shares your whiskey and suddenly you can... you can see into his very soul and attest that it has not been blackened by the devil. I, myself, possess no such omniscience. You know, long ago, I faced the same dilemma as you. It was state the case against a fellow student, a classmate, a young man I... I quite liked, or remain silent and allow an accused witch to walk free. Cotton: And let me guess. You watched him burn. Increase: No. I let my feelings intercede, and the young man was freed. And two years later, he slit the throats of two virgins in a satanic ritual. My mistake. And it has haunted me ever since. So consider carefully your decision. You know me well. Just how well do you know John Alden? Mr. Hale: I surveyed the board per your request. Mary: And? Mr. Hale: Six of the selectmen will, indeed, opt to take Alden to trial. The other five, loyal to the memory of his father, will vote for dismissal. Mary: That leaves two seats. Mr. Hale: I shall vote as you have asked. I assure you. Mary: So this leaves me, as a proxy for my ailing husband, to break the tie. Come. Let's get this over with. Increase: Must we not hold all our citizens, both commoner and the sons of privilege, to the same standard? When they cheat, must they not be pilloried? When they steal, must they not be whipped? And when they fail to uphold their promise to God and choose, instead, to take league with the devil, must they not then be judged by their decision? Mary: Thank you, Reverend. I believe the board is ready to vote. Captain Alden has been accused of the practice of witchcraft. The good Reverend has graciously agreed to allow the board to decide whether he should go to trial. So, those who believe that Captain Alden should be tried as a witch? Six for trial. And those who believe that Captain Alden's distinguished character renders such accusations baseless? Five for dismissal. Mr. Hale? Salem awaits your vote. Mr. Hale: Dismissal. Mary: Ah. Six to six. Which means I must break the deadlock. And I shall cast my vote... Increase: Actually, Mrs. Sibley... Your vote is not required. You will be pleased to learn that George's health has progressed, at least to the point where he is able to cast his own vote. Thank you, doctor. Mary: Reverend, you yourself said that he was held in the witch's grip. Increase: Perhaps. Perhaps not. His condition has steadily improved. Mary: Improved? He cannot speak. He can barely move. All he can do... Is spit. Increase: Yes, precisely. George, my dear old friend, if you can understand the words that I am speaking to you, please spit. Ha! Mary: This is ludicrous. Increase: Actually, Mrs. Sibley, it is anything but. Your husband is a selectman and he is eager to perform his civic duty. Well, then. Sir? And now, George, tell me... do you believe that this man, John Alden, should now stand trial? Yea or nay? If your answer is in the affirmative, will you please spit? Return him to the jail. Captain John Alden will stand trial on the charge of witchcraft. [insects chirping] [Horse neighs] Mary: Open it. Man: Yes, ma'am. Mary: Now leave us. Man: Yes, ma'am. [Door closes] Mary: I warned you. I told you that should you stay in Salem, you would die here. John: So you came here to remind me? Or to bury me? Mary: I came to apologize. Not for today's vote, but for the one that I cast that sent you on this course. Had I accepted your offer to go to New York, far from this place, we would know nothing of votes or trials or Increase Mather. John: And if I hadn't gone to war or you hadn't married Sibley. There was no one choice that sent our course awry. Mary: Listen to me. If you go to trial, they will hang you. But there is still a way to prevent such a fate. They cannot try you if you are not here to be tried. John: Escape? Is that what you... Mary: I will arrange it. It won't be easy, but properly planned. I have resources, means at my disposal... Mary. Far more widespread than you might imagine. John: Mary, no. I won't go. Mary: But a trial will result with you in the gallows. You must know this. John: You know, I always wondered why Giles Corey never fought back, why he let them press him to death rather than plead to their charges. But now I know. He knew he lost the moment he played their game, dignified their madness. So, no, I won't run, not from my birthplace. I'd rather die here. Mary: [Sniffles] And so perhaps you will get your wish. Anne: Reverend Mather? Increase: You're the Hale girl. Anne: Anne, sir. Increase: Do you wish to speak to me, or are you simply content to watch me eat? Anne: I have a question... Of witches. Increase: Indeed. Are you merely curious or have you encountered one? Anne: Well... Mr. Hale: Anne, there you are. Interrupting Reverend Mather's dinner. Increase: She was querying me about witchcraft. Mr. Hale: Was she? Anne: Reverend Mather was about to answer my questions that others seem unable to answer truthfully. Mr. Hale: Well, perhaps I can be of some assistance so the Reverend can finish his meal in peace. Anne: Perhaps. But will you speak honestly? Mr. Hale: I will. Increase: Well, it is no matter to me. Magistrate, Miss Hale. Anne: No more lies. Mr. Hale: No more lies. [Women screaming] Increase: Have either of you tired of this game? For I assure you, I have not. Emily: Mercy's too smart for you. Elizabeth: We'll never tell you where she is. Increase: Is that what you think? That we're here together because I require your help in locating mercy Lewis? No, no, no, no, no, no. I am here as an act of charity. Emily: [Sobbing] Charity? Increase: Aid me in apprehending her and your lives will be spared. But if you persist in defying me, I can offer you no alternative to the stake. Elizabeth: Mercy won't let us die. Emily: She will come for us. Increase: Perhaps such a thought comforts you in your sleepless night, but I assure you, I will find mercy Lewis with or without your help. [Women screaming] Mary: You're late. Mercy: Well, I'm sorry, my lady, but I have to take precautions with Increase still searching for me. Mary: You're right to. You offered a solution once for Increase, one that I dismissed, but perhaps it was only my response which was misguided. Mercy: So what are you saying? Mary: I'm saying that Increase Mather must die. And we are the ones to do it. Mercy: Kill him? But why now? Mary: The shadow he casts grows longer. And Tituba's accusations jeopardize one that I care for deeply. Mercy: [Scoffs] John Alden? Mary: No. My dear, dear mercy. You. Your path from lost girl to devil's assistant is one that I walked, too. I would protect you as I would mine own self. Now, Tituba's released, rewarded for her treachery, and you live like an animal, hunted and fearful. Mercy: So how will I do it and when? Mary: Easy, my dear. Many a witch has sought to claim Increase's life and lost theirs in the process. Our efforts must be planned... Carefully. Mercy: Surely you must have a method in mind. Mary: Yes. I do. Show me your fingers. Mercy: My fingers? Mary: These will do. Mercy: For what? Mary: Now strike me. Mercy: My lady? Mary: Tear at my flesh as you would your vilest enemy. Mercy: [Chuckles] Mary: Do not question your ears nor your faith. Do as I ask. And soon you will understand. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Hale: I was 8 years old when I watched my parents burn. [Woman screaming] Timeless solution for exterminating witches. Do you know what it's like to witness the death of those you love more than anyone else in the world? Anne: I can't imagine. Mr. Hale: It teaches you what you are capable of. The depths and limits you never knew you had. And, yet, even as their ashes lingered in the air, steps were taken to spare me a similar fate. So I was whisked from england, sent across the sea, surviving plague and pestilence, to the new world. [Horse neighs] I was taken in by those loyal to the cause, who raised me with a twin mission... teach me to harness the power of who I was and yet to keep it hidden from the world. And then I was raising a family of my own, knowing that those I held most precious live in every bit the jeopardy that I do. Am I a witch? Yes. But does that make me any less of a loving father? No. Most certainly not. Anne: [Gasping] Mary: Enter. Isaac: I came as soon as you summoned me. I suspect you're not pleased. What happened, Mrs. Sibley? Mary: Oh, uh, this. And here my own vanity convinced me it was hardly noticeable. Join me in tea, and I will tell you my sad tale. I went to the woods, hoping to clear my mind after recent troubling events. Sugar? Isaac: No, thank you. Mary: Lost in my own thoughts, I scarcely noticed her... drink, Isaac... until she was upon me. Isaac: Who? Mary: Mercy Lewis, who greeted me not with kindness for once taking her in... But with violence and anger. She finds me guilty for Tituba's accusations as if I'm responsible for my servant's mind. Isaac: Mrs. Sibley? Mary: Yes, Isaac? Isaac: The tea. Mary: What about it? Is it making you warm or just sleepy? Isaac: Both. Mary: Good. Then it's working. I don't mind telling you this because when you wake, you will remember nothing, although I do regret using you like this. Even in Salem, there are those who deserve better. But Increase knows that you're far too scared and guileless to betray him again. He will take your words as fact. Isaac: Words? Mary: That hearing that mercy lurked nearby, you sought her in the woods. But she was too quick, and she evaded you. Increase will parse your words until he is convinced they are truth. So repeat after me, Isaac. "I went to the woods..." Isaac: I went to the woods... Mary: "...To find mercy Lewis." Isaac: To find mercy Lewis. Mary: "Past the lake, beside the weeping tree, I spied her." Isaac: Past the lake, beside the weeping tree, I spied her. Mary: Very good. Again. Increase: Can we ever truly know our neighbor, trust that they are whom they seem to be, who they would have us believe them to be? We are told that a young woman, a girl, really was a tool of the witches, only to find that she is, in fact, a witch herself. And now Salem's first son stands likewise accused. Look around. Look to either side. Look to your neighbor. And ask yourself, "friend or sorcerer? Wife or witch?" Cotton: God or devil?! Increase: Who said that? Show yourself. It is my son. Pay him no mind. Do not reward him with your indulgence. Cotton: You question who the people of Salem are in the name of God. Increase: Yes? Cotton: But should the people of Salem not question who you are? For how else would the devil appear... But in the cloak of the lord? Increase: Get out. You are drunk! Your rantings only serve to embarrass yourself. Remove yourself now. You will not? I will remove you myself! Mrs. Hale: Point the finger at her own father? She would never. Mr. Hale: Are you certain of that? Wasn't it just last night that I found her with Increase? Mrs. Hale: [Sighs] She had no intention. She was simply acting out. Mr. Hale: Salem is filled with those who act out... friends who act like enemies, enemies who act as executioners. Mrs. Hale: This is all new to her. Trust that, in time, she will accept it. Mr. Hale: Yes, and if not, what then? Mrs. Hale: Then it may be time to tell her the rest of the story. Mr. Hale: I'm afraid that time has already come. Increase: Your story is really quite fantastic. Mary Sibley attacked by mercy Lewis. Isaac: Yes, sir. Increase: And out of loyalty to Mary, you followed the girl into the woods. Isaac: Loyalty to Mary? No, sir. Loyalty to you. Increase: Me? Isaac: Are you not eager to find the girl? Did you not tell me to keep my eyes and ears open on your behalf? Increase: Mm. Isaac: So when I learned she lurked at the wood's edge, I sought her out, as I knew you would have wanted. Increase: This is called a cilice. I wear this to remind myself of my own failing. Does it surprise you, Isaac, to learn that even I have sins I must atone for? Have you ever sinned? Isaac: Not intentionally, sir. Increase: Are you sinning now? Are you lying to me? Isaac: I speak the truth, Reverend. I saw her, but could not catch her. Increase: And can you recall where it was you last laid eyes on mercy? Isaac: Past the lake, beside the weeping tree, I spied her. Increase: And you could... you could lead me there? Isaac: Yes, of course, sir. Increase: Well, then. Prepare yourself, my boy... For you and I... Are going witch hunting. [Rodents squeaking] Mercy: [Grunts, chuckles] [knock on door] Cotton: Miss Hale. Anne: Am I intruding, Reverend? Cotton: Well, I was just about to enjoy my late-afternoon drink... not to be confused, of course, with my early-evening drink, which I anticipate taking place shortly, as well. Perhaps? Anne: Oh, no, thank you. I cannot stay. I simply came to say... I'm sorry. Cotton: For? Anne: Everything. I have not treated you well... Nor entirely fairly. Cotton: So my father has earned me your pity. Is that right? Anne: No. I simply see that we are alike, both children of complicated men. Cotton: Magistrate Hale, complicated? In truth, he's always seemed a bit of a... a simpleton to me. Anne: [Chuckles] No, I assure you. [Sighs] He is as complex as any man in Salem. You have made quite a study of them... witches. Cotton: For all my studies, I'm not sure I truly know a thing. Anne: Oh, I doubt that. I'm sure you could tell me all about them. Cotton: I did not know you even believed in witches. Anne: I've had a change of heart. Cotton: And why is that? Anne: Perhaps it is an interest I've lived with my entire life, but wasn't aware of until recently. Cotton: Well, um... If you have a moment, please sit, and I will tell you all about witches. Isaac: It's here, Reverend. Increase: You're sure? Isaac: 'Twas the trail I took that led me to her. Careful, sir. We do not know when she could strike. Increase: Tell me, did you really travel this deep into the woods alone to find the girl? Isaac: For you, sir. Increase: [Chuckles] For me? I'm touched. I'm also extremely skeptical. Isaac: Reverend? Increase: What is your plan? Isaac: Plan? Increase: To lure me? To kill me? Isaac: No. Why would I? How? Increase: Or perhaps... perhaps you did not have a choice. Tell me, whose bidding is it that you do? Is it John Alden who wants me dead? Or Mary Sibley? Or do they work in concert? Hmm? Tell me now, or I'll slide this blade along your throat, and you'll be dead before I clean and sheath it. Isaac: Reverend, I promise you I'm here on your behalf and yours alone. Sir! Mercy: [Laughs] Increase: After her! Go on! Anne: You've seen one? A witch, I mean? Cotton: I have. A vile creature who walked undetected for years until finally her true nature was revealed. Anne: So they hide amongst us? Cotton: This change of heart is remarkable. Anne: Remarkable that it took so long. Living in Salem and not believing in witches is like living in London and not believing in fog. It is to deny what is right in front of you. Cotton: And what does your father think of your conversion? Anne: My father... Above all is... Responsible for it. Cotton: Perhaps he's as complicated as you say. [Clears throat] Anne: But what my father did not answer is... what do witches want? Cotton: Some say they want only to live in peace. Others, like my father, say that they desire nothing less than the destruction of all mankind. Anne: And is your father correct? Cotton: My father's correct in most matters. Anne: Is he correct about you? Cotton: My father thinks I'm a failure. Since I have failed at both piety and sobriety, yes... The evidence supports his case. Anne: He's wrong. Cotton: [Sighs] Another failure to add to my list. Anne: Your only failure is not becoming your father. And that is no failure. Mary: Terra sunt carnes et ossa. Domini est terra et ossa. Terra sunt carnes et ossa. Domini est terra et ossa. Isaac: I do not see her. Increase: Well, fear not. She will return. For how else can she attempt to kill me? Mary: Domini est terra et ossa. Increase: Satan is a formidable enemy not because he's evil, but because he is sly. Oh, we know each other well. [Twig snaps] Shh, shh, shh, shh. Mary: Et nos unum benedictus. Increase: [Gasps, coughs] Isaac: Reverend? Increase: [Gasping] Isaac: Sir? Sir? Reverend Mather? Mercy: Looking for me, Reverend? Increase: You will return with me to Salem, and you will stand trial, witch. Mercy: [Chuckles] I don't think so. [Gasps] Increase: [Grunting] [Grunting] Mercy: Did you think it would only take one knife to kill me, Reverend? [Laughs] [Panting] Increase: After her! Isaac, don't let her get away! Isaac! Isaac: [Groaning] Increase: [Panting] Oh. Isaac: Mercy's weapon. Increase: Oh, my poor boy. Breathe shallow. You are not alone. Isaac: Aah! [Knock on door] Mary: Yes? Nathaniel: Reverend Mather has requested you in his quarters. Mary: Cotton? Nathaniel: Uh, no, ma'am. Increase. Increase: Mrs. Sibley, this way. Mary: May I have a moment with him? Isaac. Oh, sweet Isaac. I never intended for you to meet this fate. So I promise you, though a grim future awaits the people of Salem, I will protect you from any further pain. I swear to you. [Door opens] Increase: Come now. He needs his rest. Mary: Reverend, I am at a loss. Why Isaac would take it upon himself to seek out Mercy... Increase: I asked him the same question. Mary: And what did he say? Increase: He said he did it on my behalf, which I find very odd when you consider the fact that he detests me. Mary: Detests you? No. No, Isaac hates no one. He is incapable of it. Increase: Well, at least you will agree his mind is... Childlike. And, like a child, he absorbs the thoughts and the intents of others. Mary: What others? Increase: Someone who does hate me... And desires me... Dead. Mary: And one other matter, Reverend... I remain skeptical that John Alden is a witch. Increase: Ah, if not Alden, tell me who, then, is responsible for what has transpired in Salem? Mary: Regrettably, I do not know. Increase: Well, perhaps we can hope together that the truly guilty party will step forward and... Exonerate the good Captain. Do you think that's a possibility, Mary? Mary: This is Salem. I think there are no limits to what is possible. [Insects chirping] [Knock on door] Increase: Am I to expect another outburst? Cotton: No. I've not had a drink for hours. Increase: Ah. Amazing what one comes to accept as a sign of progress. Why have you come at this hour? Cotton: I've been contemplating your offer to join you in the prosecution of Captain Alden. Increase: And you have seen the wisdom in it? Cotton: I have seen wisdom... But not yours. I've decided to defend Captain Alden. Increase: To defend? Oh, imagine how proud I am to have... Raised a son so steadfast in his ability to consistently make the wrong decision. Mr. Hale: Anne. Anne: Please, father, it's far past my bedtime. Mr. Hale: I only require a moment. Something I neglected to tell you before... Regarding that mask. Anne: Truly, can this wait? Mr. Hale: It has waited long enough. And it is this... that the power of that mask can only be accessed by those of one kind. Anne: And what kind is that? Mr. Hale: My kind. Anne: But it worked when I... Are you saying that I am... Mr. Hale: Like me. A witch.

With the help of Issac, Mary devises a plan that she hopes will rid her of both Mercy and Increase. John has been falsely accused of witchcraft and awaits trial, while Anne learns a dark truth about her heritage from her father.

fd_The_Office_01x04

fd_The_Office_01x04_0

Dwight: Michael!? Michael: Oh! God. Dwight, come on... Dwight: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing? Michael: There's no downsizing. Dwight: I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager? Michael: Assistant to the regional manager Dwight. Dwight: Yeah, so I don't have to worry? Michael: Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay? Michael: But there's no downsizing, so just don't... Dwight: Bottom line. Do I need to be worried? Michael: Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." [as Donald Trump] "You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed." It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. [as Donald Trump] "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, "You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Why'd you do this? Dwight: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam... Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is... drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person? Michael: Who is it? Who's the birthday? Pam: Um... Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up. Michael: Next person on the... Pam: Oh. Michael: ...calendar. Pam: Okay, umm... that would be Meredith. Michael: Yes! All right, come on down Meredith! Pam: But it's not until next month. Michael: Um... uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise. Pam: You still want to have a party? Michael: Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up! Michael: [grabs cell phone off desk] Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could... it's stupid, forget it. Angela: What? Phyllis: I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind. Angela: No, yeah, I think that's a good idea. Phyllis: Yeah? Angela: What color do you guys think? Phyllis: Well, there's green, um, blue... yellow... red... Pam: How about green? Angela: I think green is kind of whoreish. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook! Michael: So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious. Angela: Meredith's allergic to dairy, so... Michael: She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so... Pam: It is... her birthday. Michael: Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out. Dwight: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me? Jim: Absolutely, I do. Dwight: Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Did you get your tickets? Jim: To what? Dwight: The gun show. [Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his bicep] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says "No, Jim, here's a way." [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. Don't tell anyone. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: An alliance? Jim: Oh yeah. Pam: What does that even mean? Jim: I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure. Jim: Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground. Dwight: Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Did you tell Pam about the alliance? Jim: What? No. Dwight: Just now. Jim: What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam. Dwight: Right, that's good, good, pursue this. Jim: Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing? Dwight: Mmm hmm. Jim: But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away. Dwight: Done. Jim: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [to the camera] Can you get her? She's right there. [camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk] That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this... is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day. [laughs] Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers." Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, "Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael." [pretends to vomit and laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: They seem awfully chummy, don't you think? Jim: Yeah, what do you think that's about? Dwight: Only one way to find out. Jim: I'm on it. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You are not going to believe this. Dwight: What? I believe it. Jim: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen. Dwight: I could tell, from the body language. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey? Kevin: Italian. Jim: Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone... Kevin: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off. Dwight: Good, let 'em. It helps our cause. Jim: Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking... Dwight: Oh, they're forming an alliance [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: I love their sandwiches. Jim: I love their sandwiches too. Kevin: Their bread's really good. Jim: Their bread is very good. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Damn it. God! Jim: OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off. Dwight: God... Damn it! Why us? Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [staring at birthday card] Meredith, Meredith... Meri... Mary had a little lamb. Mary... Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor. Michael: Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up? Oscar: Uh, I'm sorry to bother you. Michael: Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on? Oscar: My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to... you know... if... Michael: What? Oscar: Donate to the charity? Michael: Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here. Oscar: Thank you. Michael: No, I'm always good... for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you... $25. Oscar: That's... that's... that's very generous. Michael: Oh, my gosh, well... Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [whispering] Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second? Jim: Sure, what's up? Pam: Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues? Jim: Oh no? Pam: Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, "These people are my friends." But he's all like, "This is confidential. You can't tell anybody." But I just feel like I want to... aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything. Jim: No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me. Pam: OK, yeah. Dwight: Jackpot. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [looking at birthday card] Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath. Dwight: Hey, you wanted to see me? Michael: Yeah. What do you know about Meredith? Dwight: I don't think she'd be missed. Michael: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend. Dwight: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies. Michael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside. Dwight: She had a hysterectomy. Michael: [laughs] Which one is that again? Dwight: That's where they remove the uterus. Michael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus? Dwight: It could be kind of funny. Michael: You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: OK, here's the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday. Dwight: Oh my God, we have to be there. Jim: I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there. Dwight: No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God. Jim: What? What? Dwight: I know. I know exactly what to do. Jim: [gives Dwight a high five] Great. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything. Jim: Good. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Michael? Are you done yet? Michael: Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open. Dwight: So tape it down. Jim: I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe. Dwight: Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box. Jim: Thank you, thank you. OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Everybody: Surprise! Meredith: Oh! Surprise. Angela: No, it's ah... Michael: It's surprise Meredith. One, two... Everybody: [tunelessly] Happy birthday to you. Michael: Find a key. Everybody: Happy birthday... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box? Dwight: No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone. Jim: Right... That's good. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me. [SCENE_BREAK] Everybody: [singing] ... birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you... Michael: And many more! [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Last year, five years ago... Michael: You were surprised, weren't you? Meredith: Yes. Michael: You looked freaked, man. We said "Surprise." You were, like, "What?" "What the hell's goin' on here?" Good cake. Why don't you have some? Meredith: Uh, I can't. Um... Michael: Come on. A little bit. Meredith: I can't eat dairy. Michael: Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good. Meredith: Yeah, it makes me sick. Michael: You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: He's in a box? Jim: Pam, he's in a box. He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [on her cell phone] Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that... Dwight: [box falls over] Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal. Jim: Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks? Michael: Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time. Jim: Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give. Michael: Is Oscar around? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so... Oscar: Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is. Michael: I know... Oscar: It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, "However many dollars per mile." Michael: Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um... Oscar: I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity. Michael: No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape? Oscar: Yeah. Michael: How many miles did he do last year? Oscar: Last year, he walked 18 miles. Michael: Son of a bitch. That is impressive. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Happy Birthday. [gives Meredith her card] Michael: Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best. Meredith: "Happy Bird-day" Um... "Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still." Michael: [under his breath] I don't know about that. Meredith: That was Stanley. "Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam." Michael: [pretends to vomit] Huh! Thanks, downer. Meredith: This is from Michael. "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age." Michael: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old. Meredith: No, I... I get it. It's funny. Michael: [laughs] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... "Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right? Meredith: You're right. You're right. Yes. Michael: Divorce. Um... OK, "Meredith is so old..." Oscar: How old is she? Michael: Everybody? If... could do it? "Meredith is so old..." Everybody: How old is she? Michael: "She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her." Michael: That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me. Oscar: Uh, nice party Michael. Michael: This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that. Angela: Phyllis wanted red, I didn't. Phyllis: Oh, boy... You... Michael: OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25. Oscar: Per mile. Michael: Per mile, yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: When I retire, I... don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: A check for the kids, and for the team. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I want it to be like... "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what, [whispering] that was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous, how do you know?" "Because I'm him." [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Thank you, Michael. Michael: Come here. [hugs Oscar and In a low voice] Don't cash that till Friday, OK? [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Really? Today? Ryan: Yeah. Toby: Oh, Happy Birthday. Ryan: Thanks. Toby: Yeah, I could say something. Ryan: No, don't. Don't do that. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box. Pam: Oh, tell me, tell me. Jim: OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and... [Pam starts laughing]... spy on our other branch. No no no. Jim: But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover. Pam: [laughing] That's perfect! Jim: If we can get him to drive to Connecticut... and put peroxide in his hair... Roy: [yelling] What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert? Jim: No, no, dude, no. Pam: Hey, Hey! Jim: No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa. Pam: Come on. Jim: God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. Uh, um... Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um... um... we were... we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um... Pam: It's just office pranks. Jim: It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks. Roy: [looking at Dwight] An alliance? What the hell is he talking about? Dwight: I have absolutely no idea. Roy: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves. Dwight: [With blonde hair] That's politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.

As downsizing rumors swirl, paranoia takes over the members of the office. Dwight forms a " Survivor "-esque alliance with Jim against the other employees-later adding Pam also. Meanwhile, Michael arranges a morale-boosting birthday party for Supplier Relations representative Meredith Palmer ( Kate Flannery ), although her birthday is more than a month away. Michael agonizes over writing the perfect greeting in her birthday card , and in the end, his joke (and subsequent rejected ones) falls flat, ruining the party.

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Skyline: A bolt of lightning flashes. ACT I [Scene 1 - Squash gym lobby. Niles is there. Frasier rushes in.] Frasier: Ooh, Niles, sorry I'm late. Did you sign us up? Niles: Um, Frasier, I've been thinking. How many years have we teamed up for the squash tournament, only to be eliminated in the second round? Frasier: Nine. Niles: Don't you think it's time we came up with a new strategy? Frasier: Niles, if you're talking about taking that powder that's made from sheep's glands, the answer is never again! Niles: Actually, I was thinking of something more fundamental. It occurs to me that after nine years... Frasier: Shh, shh, Niles, Niles, here comes that two-faced braggart Jim Blake. Jim, looking good! [Jim, a dark-haired man, walks to Frasier and shakes his hand.] Jim: Thanks, Frasier, thanks. Frasier: So, you signed up for the tournament? Jim: Uh, I don't know. [to Niles] Have we, partner? [Frasier is stunned. Niles grins cheesily.] Jim: Awesome, awesome, let's do it! I'll see you on the court, bro. [Jim offers his fist for a "fist high-five." Niles, unsure of himself, slaps the fist with his open palm. Jim, rather bemused, then exits.] Niles: It's not what it looks like. Frasier: It's exactly what it looks like. You've teamed up with someone younger and in better shape. Niles: No, Frasier, you know I don't care about such superficial things. Frasier: You know, that Jim is bad news. He struts around here in those ridiculous-looking Swedish goggles that everybody thinks are so cool. Niles: [smugly] Jim. Frasier: You know, I just wish you'd told me sooner instead of waiting until the last minute. Does Jim know you're passive-agressive? Niles: Believe me, neither Jim nor I expected this to happen, but our games just meshed. We would have teamed up sooner, but the timing was never right. Either Jim was with a squash partner, or I was playing with you... Frasier: Fine, go, just go, go, go to your new partner. I don't care, who needs you? [Niles grabs his raquet and begins to exit.] Frasier: Niles...don't forget to wear your wrist brace, you know how easily you sprain. [They exchange a caring look. Niles then thinks better of it and quickly exits. An attractive woman dressed in warm-ups then enters from the opposite door.] Chelsea: Hi...Frasier! Chelsea Gray. We met a few months ago. Frasier: Oh, yes! [They shake hands vigorously.] Chelsea: You were kicking the Gatorade machine. Frasier: Of course, I remember. I had inserted my dollar bill with Washington's face up as per the diagram and was vended nothing. Chelsea: [laughing] Did you ever write that letter? Frasier: Indeed I did. The matter still pends. Chelsea: [enjoying an easy chemistry with him] Aah! So, did you sign up for the tournament? Frasier: Uh, well, I was going to, but, uh, I just found out my, uh, customary partner has made other plans this year. Chelsea: Well, would you be interested in playing mixed doubles? I'm a girls PE teacher, so it'd be nice to play with a guy for a change. Frasier: Well, thanks for the offer, but after what I've just been through, I'm not sure I'm ready to partner up again. Chelsea: That's too bad. I've seen you play. We'd make a good team. [Jim walks by and hears this.] Jim: You already resorting to playing with the girls, Frasier? No offense, sweetie. [He clicks his tongue and exits.] Chelsea: Excuse me. [She takes her raquet and hits a ball forcefully in the direction Jim just went.] Jim: [offstage] OW! Frasier: [impressed] Nice shot, partner! [Scene 2 - Frasier's apartment. Frasier and Chelsea enter. They are carrying two trophy cups.] Frasier: Here we are. Hello, all! You'll never guess who just won their squash tournament! [Daphne, Niles, and Martin are all seated at the dining table.] Daphne: If only we had a big, shiny clue. Martin: Well, hey, that's great news. Congratulations! Chelsea: Well, I owe it all to my partner. Frasier: Oh, thank you, partner, but I think it's really due to our partnership. [They hold hands.] Chelsea: Aha, well, now you know what they say, there's no "I" in "team." Frasier: Like there is in "Niles!" So here, Dad. Check it out! Martin: [taking the trophy] Well, would you look at that! I didn't think I'd ever see the day one of my boys would win a trophy that didn't have a book on it. Now all that's left on my list is shake hands with Hank Aaron, kiss Sally Field on the mouth, and then I can go on and be with your mother. Niles: You know, Jim and I may have our own trophy soon. We're still alive in the men's doubles bracket. Frasier: Oh, please, Niles, your partner couldn't be carrying you any more if he put you in a Snugli and strapped you to his stomach. [Frasier and Chelsea laugh. He puts the trophy on the bookcase.] Martin: Well, I'm proud of both of you. And Squash might not be the toughest of sports, but it's still technically a sport. Chelsea: What? Squash can be pretty tough. [Martin begins to dismiss this.] Oh, no! No, no. I once saw a man break his leg in a mid-court collision. The bone was poking through his skin, and he still finished the point. Martin: [incredulous] That's the game you guys play? Niles: [uneasily] Hell, yeah! Chelsea: Frasier, do you mind if I use your phone? Frasier: No, of course not. I'll tell you what. Come use the one in the other room. That'll give you some privacy. After you, my lady. [They exit to Frasier's room.] Niles: You know, Dad, when Jim and I win our trophies, I'm going to give mine to you. Martin: Thank you son! But I don't want you moping around here if your brother wins one and you don't. Niles: Oh, please, Dad, I'm a little more mature than that. Martin: No, you're not. [He heads for the chair. Daphne has exited.] It still bugs you that his name comes first alphabetically. Niles: Well, that was your fault. [Daphne and Frasier both re-enter from opposite directions.] Daphne: Your girlfriend seems nice. Frasier: She is nice, but she's certainly not my girlfriend. I do find her attractive, but I'm not sure I'm anything more than a teammate to her. [They sit on the couch.] Daphne: Well, from what I've seen, I'd say she likes you a lot. Frasier: Really? She did kiss me once. But I think that was just in an overflow of emotion after one of our victories. You know, I suppose that happens all the time on sports teams. Martin: [indignantly] It doesn't! Of course I can't speak for the Canadian leagues. Frasier: Well, truth be told, now that there's not the excitement of the tournament to fuel the fires, I don't think we really have much in common in the real world. Niles: [childishly] You have your ostentations trophies. Chelsea: [re-entering] Well, it was good seeing you all, but I have to get going? Daphne: Oh, so soon? Martin: You just got here. Chelsea: I have an early faculty meeting. [She grabs her trophy, where Niles's hand is resting. He very reluctantly releases it.] Frasier: I'll walk you out. Martin: Come back! Daphne: Bye! Niles: Bye! Chelsea: Bye! Martin: See ya! Niles: Congratulations. [Frasier and Chelsea exit to the hallway. She calls the elevator.] Frasier: Well, I, uh, I certainly had a great time the last few weeks. Chelsea: Me too. Call me again if you want to play sometime. [The elevator arrives. She enters it, then stops the door.] Chelsea: I don't suppose you'd want to take this to the next level? Frasier: Oh, I gave up my dream of professional Squash years ago. Chelsea: That's not what I meant. Um, maybe I could think of another way to put it. [She leans forward and kisses him on the mouth. He is surprised and delighted. As the elevator door closes, she smiles and waves. Frasier beams. Fade out.] [Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa. Daphne is at the counter. Frasier enters.] Frasier: Hi, Daph! Daphne: Hey, I didn't expect to see you here. Niles said you were going out with Chelsea. Frasier: Oh, yes, I just thought I'd stop by for a quick pick-me-up before I pick her up. Daphne: Does she laugh at that kind of stuff? Frasier: You know, she does. Daphne: Hold on to this one. Frasier: I intend to. Uh, espresso please. You know, every day I learn something new about her. She enjoys reading poetry in the bath. She's an excellent cook. It's like she's the perfect girl for me. Daphne: Well, I think you make a lovely couple. Even though Niles can't believe you're dating a gym teacher. He says it's a betrayal of your younger selves. Frasier: Yes, it's perfectly understandable. We didn't have much luck with gym teachers when we were kids. They were always so derisive and ego-crippling. There was this one in particular, Coach Fuller. He was the worst. The kind of man that would make the whole class wait while you did your pushup. It was so traumatizing, you know, I would actually lose my lunch before gym period. Except on those days when my lunch money was stolen. Then I'd just dry heave. Daphne: [grabbing her order] Niles has tons of stories like that. Frasier: You know...perhaps getting to know Chelsea will help Niles to exorcise his demons and put them behind him. Daphne: He's running out of room back there. [Roz enters.] Daphne: Hey, Roz! [She exits.] Roz: Hey, Daphne. Frasier: You all right? Roz: Well, I was fine until I saw Julia in the parking lot. Why does she have to come here? Frasier: For God's sake, Roz, I'm a little tired of hearing you complain about Julia all the time. Why don't you just give her a chance? Roz: How about her? I've been working with her for over a month and she shows me no respect. She's mean and arrogant, but not in a funny way like you. Could I have a latte, please? Frasier: Listen, the woman took a portion of my show to do her financial drivel. You don't hear me complaining about her all the time. Now enough is enough. [Julia has entered and is at the counter.] Julia...why don't you come and join us? Julia: Oh, all right. Thank you. [She sits, ignoring Roz.] Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Well, isn't this nice. [Julia removes her coat and continues to ignore Roz, looking only at Frasier.] Frasier: All right, it's come to my attention that there is some tension between the two of you. Now, as it is entirely possible that we will be spending a great deal of time together, I think it's important that we establish an environment of mutual respect. To that end, as it is impossible for the two of you to communicate at all, it's time for me to roll up my sleeves and facilitate. Finding some common ground would be the first step, perhaps a love of plants, the seed... Julia: You sure love to hear yourself talk. Roz: And it's impossible to tune him out. Julia: How can you stand it? Roz: The key is to know when to say "uh-huh." Frasier: Fine, fine, all right. If I am you common ground, so be it. Please feel free to tread upon me. Roz: Uh-huh. Frasier: The important thing is that you're talking. Communication... Julia: Just go! [He exits. Julia drinks her coffee.] Julia: Okay, he's gone. [They quickly separate, take their coffee and move to tables far apart. Fade out.] [Scene 4 - High school gym. Chelsea is giving basketball drills to a group of girls. Her shirt reads "Patterson Middle School." Frasier enters.] Chelsea: Slowly. Oh. Be with you in a minute. You can wait in my office. [Frasier runs across the gym to the office. We hear Chelsea as Frasier explores the office.] Chelsea: [to the class] Very nice, nice...All right, concentrate! Very good, alright! Frasier: [reading a note] "Please excuse my daughter Ruby from P.E. She has a 'delibitating' disease." Nice try, Ruby. Chelsea: [blowing the whistle] Okay, who didn't climb rope yet? Campbell, you're up! [Chelsea runs to the office. A slightly heavy-set girl timidly approaches the rope. The rest of the class gathers to watch her. She is like a deer in the headlights. Cut to the office.] Chelsea: [kisses Frasier] Oh, I'd forgotten how it felt to sneak a kiss in school. Frasier: It always looked like fun. Chelsea: So I'll be finished here in a second and then we can go. Frasier: Great, great, I thought we'd try this new place. I just... Chelsea: [blowing the whistle toward the gym] Campbell, you're not even trying! [to Frasier] Sorry, you were saying? Frasier: Yeah, I read a great review of this new restaurant. Apparently the chef is from... [The Bell rings, and Chelsea blows the whistle.] Chelsea: [yelling] No one is leaving until Campbell climbs the rope! [to Frasier] Excuse me for a moment. [blows whistle again and goes out to the gym. The girl is struggling mightily to climb the rope.] Come on! You can sleep through English! Toughen up, you can do it! Let's go, Campbell! Everybody's waiting! [During Frasier's observation of the above, Chelsea's voice begins to become like an echo. Gradually, Frasier no longer hears Chelsea yelling at the girl, but the hated coach Fuller yelling at him.] Fuller: Come on, Crane! Nobody is going home until you haul that fat bucket of lard to the top! [Frasier now sees Fuller, and not Chelsea, in the gym. The lights are off, and he sees himself (not as a child) hanging helplessly on the rope.] Frasier: [on the rope, crying, in gym clothes] I can't! [The imaginary Frasier slides off the rope. Frasier, observing this from the office, is clearly deeply disturbed. Reality quickly returns as Chelsea goes back to the office.] Chelsea: Just give me a few minutes, and I'll be ready to go. Oh, I just need you to do one thing. [Frasier suddenly sees Coach Fuller, cigar in mouth, in front of him.] Fuller: Drop and give me 20, Crane! Frasier: I beg your pardon? Chelsea: Could you just round up the basketballs and put them in the rack over there? Thanks. [She kisses him on the cheek, then again loudly blows the whistle at the class. Frasier is distressed by what he sees in both reality and fantasy. He rolls his eyes back and forth, obviously shaken. Fade out.] END OF ACT I ACT II [SCENE_BREAK] [N.B. From here until nearly the end of the episode, Frasier sees Chelsea as Coach Fuller. Since Bob Hoskins is in the scenes and speaks the lines, the speech headings read "Fuller," even though we know it is really Chelsea who is speaking.] [Scene 5 - Cafe Nervosa. Frasier is seated, drinking coffee, clearly troubled. Daphne drags an unwilling Niles to the table.] Daphne: Frasier, Niles has something he needs to tell you. [She seats him. He hesitates.] Daphne: Go on, tell him, I'm sick of hearing you complain! Niles: [in a quick, declarative manner] I made a mistake partnering with Jim. Our styles never really meshed, which wasn't my fault, but that didn't stop him from losing his temper during a match, and he yelled at me. With you, it was different. You brought honor to the game. Rejoin me, Frasier, and together we can rekindle the magic. [His voice breaks. Frasier looks on, sympathetically.] Daphne: Please, take him back. I cannot listen to another draft of this speech. I'll see you at home, sweetie [kisses him]. Niles: Thanks, hon. Frasier: Niles, I'll gladly re-team with you. Niles: Just like that? [Frasier nods.] I expected you to gloat and rub it in, make me suffer. Don't you care? Frasier: Oh, my apologies, Niles, it's just that I'm a little distracted about something that happened yesterday at Chelsea's school. Niles: I'm sorry, but that reminds me. Chelsea sent me the sweetest gift after Jim and I were eliminated from the tournament. It's an actual squash with a smiley face drawn on it. Frasier: That's cute. Niles: You know, when you first started dating her, I couldn't get past the fact that she was a gym teacher. But she's proven to be nothing like I expected. Kudos to you. Frasier: Well, not sure I deserve such praise. Niles: No, no, don't be so modest, Frasier. You truly have a gift for seeing the inner beauty of a person. Frasier: I do try. Niles: Speak of the devil. Here's Dad and Chelsea now. [Martin and Chelsea enter, but we, along with Frasier, see Coach Fuller in his gym clothes and with cigar.] Martin: Hey, guys. Look who I ran into. Niles: Hello, Dad. Hi, Chelsea! [Chelsea (Fuller) gives Niles a hug.] Fuller: Niles. Hello sweetie! [He kisses Frasier.] Niles: That's a lovely outfit. Fuller: Really? You think so, huh? [He turns around.] I thought it might be a little racy, but then I thought, what the hell. What do you think, Frasier? Frasier: Oh, uh, it's very becoming. Fuller: Thank you. Just let me grab a drink and we'll be ready to go. Martin: [sitting] I usually stay out of your love affairs, son, but you've got a good one here. Definitely a keeper. Niles: Yes, and might I add, and excuse my gutter speak, hubba, hubba! Martin: Back to our best behavior, there's a lady present! [Chelsea/Fuller returns and kisses Frasier on the head.] Fuller: I'm ready, sweetie! [(S)he hugs him around the neck, transferring the cigar to his mouth. Frasier smiles uncomfortably. Fade out.] [Scene 6 - Frasier's bathroom. There are candles all around. Frasier is in the bath. Chelsea/Fuller, still in gym clothes, is scrubbing his back with a loofah and reading from a book of poetry. Mood music plays in the backgroung.] Fuller: "Love is a smoke raised in the fume of sighs, being purged, a fire sparkling in a lover's eyes..." You all right? Frasier: [distracted] What? I'm fine. Fuller: [continuing to scrub and read] "I am a vessel. Come tenderly and fill me with the nectar of your love." [(S)he begins to scrub his chest. Frasier looks troubled and helpless. Fade out.] [Scene 7 - Cafe Nervosa. Kenny and Julia are seated at a table.] Kenny: So I figure since you're the financial guru, you could help me out. Now obviously, I don't want to get involved in some get-rich-quick scheme, but I do need to make a lot of money really fast. So what have you got? Julia: [reading a newspaper] I don't like to talk about work when I'm outside the office. Kenny: Oh. Julia: [to the waitress handing her coffee] Thank you. [Roz enters.] Kenny: Right. Me neither. [He becomes uncomfortable.] Hey, there's Roz! Hey, Roz, come join us. Roz: I don't think so. Kenny: No, no, no, I won't take no for an answer. Now you sit down. [He seats her in the chair he was occupying.] Roz: Hi, Julia. Julia: Roz. Kenny: Well, I know girl talk when I hear it. Bye. [He quickly exits.] Roz: I'll go this time. Julia: Thanks. [She rises and begins to leave, then stops.] Roz: You know, maybe Frasier was right. Would it kill us to make some effort to be civil? Julia: I guess not. [Roz sits again. A waitress brings coffee.] Roz: Thanks. [to Julia] So, your show was good today. Julia: [grinning] Yes, it was. And...and your producing was topnotch. Roz: Thanks. Sugar? Julia: Please. Roz: Well, this isn't so bad. Julia: No, it's not. Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot. Roz: Well, when you first started, you know, I just thought you were kind of a bitch for ordering everybody around. Julia: That's totally my fault. I have a tendency to be patronizing to, um, entry-level employees. Roz: You know, I was going to say something earlier, but when I heard your first show, I figured you wouldn't be here long. [She sips her coffee. Julia laughs.] Julia: Well, you certainly made an impression on me. I remember, I kept thinking: "Who did she sleep with to get this job?" And then I found out. Everybody! Roz: That's a good one! [they laugh] You know, there's a plunger in the bathroom, what do you say we go look for your career? Julia: Great! While we're in there I can get your phone number. Roz: Don't bother, it's 1-800-BITE ME. Julia: "Bite me," that's the best that you've got? Roz: Oh, I could spend half an hour on your hair. Julia: Well, you should have spent half an hour on your hair. Roz: Oh, really? [They laugh warmly.] Waitress: It's closing time, ladies, I'm afraid you'll have to leave. [She gives them the check.] Roz: But we're just warming up. Julia: You know, there's a place down the street that, uh, is open all night. [They rise and begin to exit.] Roz: Just like your mouth? Julia: Just like your legs? Roz: Hey, wait up! [Roz quickly pursues Julia out of the cafe. Fade out.] [Scene 8 - Frasier's bedroom. He is lying on his side, shirtless. Chelsea/Fuller is seated in the bed next to him, still in the same gym clothes.] Fuller: So, we're just going to go to sleep, huh? Frasier: I'm really tired. Fuller: You sure you don't want to watch TV or get something to eat? Frasier: No. Fuller: I know someone who's ticklish! [(S)he begins go reach under the covers to tickle Frasier.] Frasier: Oh, no, stop, stop, stop! Fuller: Okay, Frasier. You've been acting weird all day. What's going on? Frasier: Well, it's a little complicated? Fuller: What is? Is there a problem? [(S)he looks at him with deep concern.] Frasier: Yes, Chelsea, there is. It disturbed me yesterday when I saw you yelling at that little girl on the rope. I couldn't believe how harsh you were. You may not realize it, but that can have a crippling effect on a child. Fuller: What? I didn't think I was being excessively harsh. I was just trying to motivate her. Frasier: Yes, well, the way you were shouting, it was hard to tell. When you're a child, all you know is you're being singled out. [sighs] I have no right to tell you how to do your job, it's my problem, not yours. Fuller: No, no, you may have a point. Maybe I do push too hard. Sometimes, I forget just how fragile kids can be. Frasier: Really? You agree with me? Fuller: Yes, I do. Thank you, Frasier. [They embrace. As they release each other, Frasier now sees Chelsea as herself, in a sexy nightgown.] Chelsea: It's sweet of you to care so much. Frasier: Well, you're worth caring about. [They kiss.] Chelsea: Now, come on, let's go have a nice romantic dinner. Frasier: [excited] Okay, let me just go get ready. [He runs to the bathroom.] You know, when I heard you shouting at that little girl today, I swear, it just brought back a flood of memories from my own childhood. [He goes in the bathroom and closes the door.] Chelsea: Really? Frasier: Oh, yeah. [Chelsea gets dressed as she listens to Frasier's speech from the bathroom.] Frasier: You know, my gym teacher was constantly yelling at me because I couldn't do a single pull-up, or a lap around the track. Chelsea: [troubled by this] Not even one? Frasier: Oh, please. I was a very late bloomer. I could barely do a jumping jack without getting a nosebleed. And let's not begin to talk about the climbing rope! There we go, all done! [Chelsea finishes dressing. As Frasier exits the bathroom, Chelsea sees him not as himself, but as Campbell, the little girl from gym class, in her P.E. clothes.] Girl: Well, what do you say I get us a table at Petite Auberge? They do an excellent veal chop. Chelsea: [disturbed, smiling uncomfortably] Okay. Girl: After you, milady. [(S)he opens the door for Chelsea, who exits. Frasier/Campbell follows her out. Fade out.] END OF ACT II [SCENE_BREAK] Martin is trying to find an appropriate place to display Frasier's trophy. He tries the TV, but doesn't like it there. He then moves it to the top of the bookshelf. Still dissatisfied, he places it in the middle of the table, which seems to please him. Frasier then enters with a large bouquet of flowers, which he happily plants in the trophy. Martin is quite troubled by this, and gets a concerned look on his face.

It's time for the Crane brothers sports club squash tournament, and Frasier is expecting to be teamed with Niles again but he has other ideas: as they have been eliminated in the second round for nine years in a row, Niles has decided to team up with Jim Braggett (something of a poseur) in the hope of doing better. Understandably, Frasier is upset at his brother's actions but luck is at hand when Chelsea Gray (played by Jeanne Tripplehorn ), a girls' gym teacher, walks into the room. She and Frasier briefly met some time ago and mentions that she is looking for someone to team up with her for the mixed doubles. Frasier is reluctant initially but when he sees her hit a great ball at Jim Braggett he agrees. This decision pays off handsomely when Chelsea and Frasier win the mixed doubles tournament. This delights Martin as his son has finally brought home a trophy that doesn't have a book on it, while Niles is a bit jealous of his brother's achievements and hopes he can do just as well with Jim. Frasier also admits to Daphne that he has developed a bit of a crush on Chelsea and is worried that she doesn't feel the same way, but Daphne manages to convince him to take the plunge and he is rewarded with a date with Chelsea. After the relationship has stabilized, Niles tells Frasier that he first he couldn't believe he was dating a gym teacher on account of their dreadful experiences they both faced when they were at school but remarks that Chelsea couldn't be more different. Frasier also enjoys Chelsea, but things change when he goes to pick her up at her school and watches the woman berate a heavyset girl for not trying hard enough to climb the rope. This brings back memories of Frasier's horrible cigar-smoking gym teacher Coach Fuller (played by Bob Hoskins ) and as a result he can no longer look at Chelsea without seeing her as his former gym teacher.

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[ The apartment ] Amy: This is an easy one. You love this guy. Sheldon: Me. Amy: Come on, he's an under-appreciated genius. Sheldon: Still think it's me. Amy: It's not you. Now think, there's a car named after him. Sheldon: Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, 'cause it's me. Amy: How about this, he's a poor man's Sheldon Cooper. Sheldon: Oh, Tesla. Penny: Hi. Amy: Hello. Sheldon: Hey, how did it go? Leonard: Oh, not fun. The doctor shoved a camera up into my sinuses. Penny: Yeah, I watched. It was like the scary boat tunnel in Willy Wonka. Amy: Did they figure out what's wrong? Leonard: Yeah. It's a deviated septum. The surgery to correct it is simple. He's gonna do it next week. Sheldon: Why would you have surgery? Leonard: Because I can't breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections. Penny: Yeah, back off, he's all mine. Sheldon: But you don't have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery? Amy: Sheldon, it's a routine procedure, I've heard you complain about his snoring. Sheldon: Yes, for the first five or six years, but I've gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He's like my mucus-powered white noise machine. Leonard: Sheldon, I'm gonna get the surgery, it's no big deal. End of story. Sheldon: Very well. I'm done talking about it. Leonard: Thank you. Sheldon: I believe it was your turn in the game. Amy: Okay. Sheldon: Let's see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak. Leonard: I think you could give a better clue. Sheldon: I don't. I'm not even sure if that's a person or a typo. [SCENE_BREAK] Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state [SCENE_BREAK] Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! [SCENE_BREAK] The Earth began to cool [SCENE_BREAK] The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools [SCENE_BREAK] We built the Wall [SCENE_BREAK] We built the pyramids [SCENE_BREAK] Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery [SCENE_BREAK] That all started with a big bang [SCENE_BREAK] Bang! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Leonard's bedroom ] Leonard: Okay, why? Sheldon: I'm listening to you snore. I'm wondering how I'll ever sleep without it. Leonard: If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here staring at me like the albino boogeyman? Sheldon: Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep? Leonard: What's your problem? Sheldon: If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone. Leonard: It sounds like either way, I finally get some rest. Sheldon: I have to be honest with you Leonard, I'm truly worried. Leonard: I told you, there's nothing to worry about. Sheldon: Well, I've been doing some research and I've learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anaesthesia. Leonard: Buddy, wh, do you realize that that also means 699,999 people don't die? Sheldon: I suppose that's true. You're such a glass half-full kind of guy. I'm going to miss that. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ] Raj: Oh, so, my, uh, parents' 40th anniversary's coming up and I can't think of a thing to get them. Howard: Damn, can you imagine being married to someone for 40 years? Bernadette: Not anymore. Raj: Anyway, any ideas on a gift? Bernadette: Well, what are some of the things they like? Raj: They used to like going to the Mumbai Symphony, but last year my mom thought they were phoning it in. Then my dad said based on their love life, she should know about phoning it in. Bernadette: He said that to her? Raj: Well, they weren't speaking at the time, so he had a servant say it to her. Oh, maybe I could make a gift for them. I know how much you guys love the coasters I made for you. Bernadette: They're yours in the divorce. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] Leonard: Hey. What're you working on? Sheldon: Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one-in-700,000 chance of dying? Leonard: Yeah? Sheldon: Well, I've been crunching the numbers, and so far, I've gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300. Leonard: Great timing. My check sphincter light just went on. Sheldon: Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon's latex gloves? Leonard: I'm not allergic to latex. Sheldon: Well, then why don't you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes? Leonard: For the same reason I don't wear the apron or the hair net. Sheldon: Fine. What about epilepsy? Leonard: I don't have epilepsy, either. Sheldon: You don't, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland. Leonard: Sheldon, do you realize that driving is riskier than surgery? Sheldon: I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don't expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life. Leonard: Buddy, I, I get that you're worried about me and I, I appreciate that, but I'm not going to die. Sheldon: You don't know that. Leonard: Well, I do know that it won't be from an asteroid strike. Sheldon: You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car. Leonard: If there was an asteroid strike, wouldn't you die, too? Sheldon: I don't know, I'm smart and scrappy, I think I'd find a way. Leonard: Tell you what, the surgery's not for a week, I'll think about it. Sheldon: Thank you. And while you're thinking about it, if you have the surgery in Nicaragua during monsoon season, I can practically guarantee your death. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Raj's apartment ] Raj (on phone): Yes. Okay. I, I understand. Of course, yes. I'll call you tomorrow. Bye. Howard: So I found this fencing school in Burbank that has a Jedi class. And if you're cool being the only adults there, they said they are. Raj: Dude, my parents just split up. Howard: What? Raj: Uh, that was my dad on the phone. He moved out. Howard: Oh, my God, I, I'm sorry. I mean, if you're not up to it, we don't have to go out, we can just hang here. Raj: No, it's fine. It's not that big a deal. As long as they're happy, I'm happy. And when I get to see them for the holidays, I'll get to celebrate Diwali twice, one at each house. That's double the Diwali. Howard: You sure you're okay? Raj: I'm okay. Howard: You don't look okay. Raj: How can I be okay? I come from a broken home. [SCENE_BREAK] [ A waiting room ] Leonard: The doctor said I should be out of surgery by ten. Penny: Okay. And Sheldon really believes we're at a public swimming pool? Leonard: He was so busy figuring out how many parts per million of urine we'd be floating around in, he didn't even question it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Amy's car ] Sheldon: 18 parts per million. And he's still doing it. Amy: Don't worry about that. I'm happy to take you to work. Sheldon: Well, thank you. And Leonard never lets me have French toast sticks in the car. I can't have syrupy fingers, but he can do the backstroke in a toilet bowl. Amy: It's nice they're getting exercise. Sheldon: Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt. Amy: I'm sure he brought it. Sheldon: No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it. Amy: He probably got a new one. Finish your breakfast. Look, there's an entire section of my dashboard that doesn't have any syrup on it. Sheldon: You're acting odd. Why? Amy: I'm odd all the time, everyone knows that. Just last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth. Sheldon: Tell me the truth. Amy: Twenty eight. Sheldon: Come on. Amy: Fifty six. Sheldon: Amy. What's going on? Amy: All right. Don't get upset, but, an earlier appointment opened up for Leonard and he's getting the surgery right now. Sheldon: I see. Take me to Leonard. Amy: Just go to work, he'll be fine. Sheldon: Amy, he's my best friend, and if you don't take me, I'm going there anyway. Amy: Fine. It's sweet that you care about him so much. Sheldon: I do. And I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn't at his bedside to say I told you so. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The waiting room ] Sheldon: Hello. Penny: We had a really nice swim. Sheldon: Oh, stop it. I assume this medical centre's already treated the burns on your bottom from the recent pants fire. Penny: 'Cause I'm a liar, liar? Sheldon: That's for the fire marshal to determine. Penny: You had to tell him? Amy: He wore me down. And I was distracted, he has on extra baby powder today. Sheldon: Is he okay? Penny: He's still in surgery. Sheldon: Very well. Penny: He's gonna be all right. That is sticky. Amy: Come on, let's talk about something other than the surgery. Sheldon: That's a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements? Penny: I think she meant something a little happier. Sheldon: I suppose we could try to make it a celebration, but he died so young. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Raj's office ] Howard: Knock, knock. Bernadette: Hi. Raj: Hey. What brings you by? Bernadette: Oh, muffin much. Howard: Told you, not funny. Bernadette: He's just not laughing because he's feeling blueberry. Tough crowd. Raj: I'm sorry. This is very sweet. Thanks. Howard: So, how you doing? Raj: Better. I guess the news just hit me a lot harder than I expected. Bernadette: Well, of course. I would be devastated if my parents split up. Howard: Why? Your father barely speaks to your mother. Bernadette: Well, at least he stuck around, not like your dad, who just took off. Howard: As you can see, we're here to cheer you up. Bernadette: Sorry, Raj. Do you have any sense of what happened with your folks? Raj: I think, over time, they started to resent each other, and instead of talking about the things that bothered them, they kept it bottled up, and the hate just grew. Bernadette: It's a shame they spent all that time unhappy. But sometimes, there's muffin you can do about it. You get it, right? [SCENE_BREAK] [ The waiting room ] Penny: Oh, it's nice you got him that. Sheldon: Oh, this isn't for Leonard, no. Amy bought it for me. Amy: Stubbed his toe on the revolving door on the way in. Sheldon: You know those confounded things make me dizzy. Amy: Who told you to keep going around? Sheldon: There was a large plant in the lobby. It kept looking like the outside. Penny: Okay, listen, when Leonard comes out, he is not gonna feel great, so, please don't give him a hard time. Amy: Penny has a good point. This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you're thinking, just keep it to yourself. Sheldon: It was like a grapefruit. Amy: And I'm sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it. Sheldon: Well, I'm not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me. Penny: Okay, the reason he deceived you is you were being a pain in the ass. Sheldon: The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was. Penny: Really? You won't even say A? Sheldon: You bet your sweet B I won't. Penny: Obviously, I care about Leonard. I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with him. Sheldon: And I'm not? It's an earthquake. I knew it. Penny: Sheldon, it was just a little tremor. Sheldon: A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don't care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he's okay. Amy: Sheldon, you can't go back there. Sheldon: Try and stop me. Amy: Are you okay? Sheldon: Why didn't you stop me? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ] Bernadette: Can I tell you something? This whole thing with Raj's parents just got me a little worried about us. Howard: What are you talking about? We're fine. And Raj's parents probably split up because of Raj. Bernadette: What? Howard: They always say the children aren't to blame, but, come on. Bernadette: I'm not joking, Howie. You heard what he said about his parents. It was the little things they kept bottled up. I don't want that to happen to us. Howard: How can I convince you it won't? Bernadette: Well, is there anything about me you're keeping inside? Howard: I'm not answering that. It's a trap. Bernadette: So there are things you don't like. Howard: And here I am in the trap. You just keep talking. I'm gonna chew my leg off. Bernadette: Just tell me one thing that bothers you, and I promise I won't get mad. Howard: Okay. The truth is, sometimes, you're too beautiful. Bernadette: Oh. Howie, be serious. Howard: Okay, okay. I really don't like how your wings poke me when we sleep 'cause you're an angel. Bernadette: Okay, fine, maybe it was a bad idea. Howard: I just don't think the secret to a happy marriage is going out of our way to criticize each other. Although, there are ways to improve our communication. One thing I learned when I was in couples therapy was... Bernadette: Who were you in couples therapy with? Howard: Not important. Bernadette: Was it your mom? Howard: Not important. Bernadette: It was your mom. Howard: Anyway, the therapist had us tell each other what we loved about one another. Bernadette: Oh, that's so sweet. I want to do that. Howard: All right. Bernadette: Okay, um, I love that you make me laugh. Howard: Thank you. And I love that you're strong and independent. Bernadette: And yet, I still love when you hold a door for me. Howard: I love that I'm kind of a slob around here, and you're okay with that. Bernadette: Uh-huh. And I love that I work and do all the cleaning, and you're okay with that. Howard: See, I am. Isn't this great? [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] Penny: Come on, smile. This is gonna be my Christmas card. Sheldon: You know this is all your fault. Leonard: How is it my fault? Sheldon: I told you not to get the surgery. Leonard: Okay, first of all, the surgery was a success, and secondly, I didn't even want you there. Sheldon: Wow. I don't know which hurts worse, my nose or my heart. Well, I'm done speaking to you. Amy: Don't be like that. You two need to talk this out. Penny: Yeah, 'cause you sound really funny. Leonard: Sheldon, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the surgery, but you were worried about nothing. Sheldon: Oh, you're hardly out of the woods, no. You still run the risk of infection, a blood clot, the possibility that an inattentive surgeon let a barn spider lay eggs in your nose. The minute you sneeze web, I'm moving out. Leonard: I never thought I'd say these words, but come on, nose spider. Penny: Who are you kidding? You were so panicked Leonard was gonna die, you'll never leave him. Amy: Sheldon will move out eventually. Penny: Yeah, once he figures out how to work a door. Sheldon: I was not panicked, and I am not overly attached to Leonard. Leonard: You were so worried that you smashed your face trying to check on me. You love me. Sheldon: Yeah. Tell me those aren't the words of a man with a spider eating its way through his brain. Amy, you're a neuroscientist. Crack his skull open, spray some Raid in there. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ] Bernadette: I love that you take pride in your looks, even when I have to pee in the morning, and you're in there spending an hour on your hair. Howard: I love that you're too good to pee in the kitchen sink. Bernadette: I love that you have the confidence to speak, even without giving it an ounce of thought. Howard: And I love how your hair is always on the soap. It's like washing myself with a hamster. Raj: Hey, guys. Sorry I am so late. I was on the phone with my mother. Bernadette: Oh, how is she? Raj: Pretty good. She bought the book Eat, Pray, Love and used it to set my father's Mercedes on fire. So, what's up with you guys? Howard: We're just saying all the things we love about each other. Raj: Oh, like you and I did at couples therapy. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] Leonard: Oh, what'd you get? Sheldon: Oh, I ordered it before your surgery. It's the urn I was going to put you in. Penny: Okay, that's morbid. Send it back. Sheldon: I can't send it back, I had it engraved. Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his room mate knew better." Leonard: That's funny. Boy, I'm gonna miss these painkillers. Penny: Hey, why did you get two? I'm with stupid. Sheldon: Oh, that one's mine.

Leonard announces that he needs deviated septum surgery in one week. Sheldon, appalled, describes every imaginable risk of the surgery, so Leonard says he'll reconsider. However, he secretly goes to the hospital with Penny for a last-minute earlier appointment, though Amy eventually spills the beans. Sheldon shows up in the waiting room and the hospital experiences a mild earthquake. Sheldon, worried about Leonard, runs toward the operating room but hits the glass door. The next day Leonard and Sheldon are home with bandaged noses. Leonard teases that Sheldon only did what he did because he really loves him. Later, Sheldon unpacks engraved urns he ordered for Leonard and himself. However, he had them engraved with morbid messages and thus cannot return them. Raj frets over finding a gift for his parents' 40th wedding anniversary until he learns that his parents are getting divorced and his father has moved out. Raj says little things caused mutual resentment to grow over the years. Bernadette and Howard cheer him up, but Bernadette fears the same fate for her marriage too. Howard and Bernadette try to say positive things about each other, but descend into sarcastic bickering.

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_06x17

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_06x17_0

Scene: (After a "previously on" sequence) A coffee shop Raj: So then I went to Cambridge, which was wonderful not only because it's a good school but because it totally looks like Hogwarts. That's where I fell in love with astronomy, and now I'm an astrophysicist at Caltech, so I guess you could say, uh, Raj is my name and stars are my game. And rhyming is also my game. So, uh, two games. Uh, anyway, that, that's enough about me. I want to hear everything about you. Girl: I have to go to the bathroom. Raj: I go to the bathroom, too. Sometimes more frequently than I care to admit. Oh, I've had it checked out, it's nothing. Hmm. This is going great. Mmm, can I have a refill on my chai tea? Yes, I have a good feeling about this. (Girl can be seen sneaking past window and leaving) I should have bought condoms. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. My apologies that this episode is coming late. I did shoot one last week, in honour of Black History Month, but I was informed by my roommate that my spot-on portrayal of George Washington Carver could be considered wildly racist. My heart goes out to the members of the African-American community, who, like me, have been kept down by The Man. Now, Fun with Flags is not just for the flag aficionado, it's also for the flag novice, so, to help me with that, please welcome my friend, neighbour, and flag virgin, yeah, not a real virgin. She's had coitus many times. Sometimes within earshot of this flag enthusiast. Once while he was trying to watch The Incredibles. Penny. Penny: Hello. Sheldon: So, Penny, I understand you would like to learn more about flags. Penny: Yeah, I can't tell you how many times I've been at a party where everyone's talking about flags and I just couldn't join in. Sheldon: Yeah. Well, you came to the right place. Penny: Uh, I'm sorry, can we just pause for a minute? Sheldon: What's wrong? Penny: I just think it might look more natural if you talked to me instead of the camera, you know, like, like a real conversation. It's something we work on in my acting class. Sheldon: Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn't the compliment it sounds like. Penny: Yeah, let's try it again, and maybe, this time, you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you're all hunched like that, you're shutting the audience out, but when you're relaxed and open, you're inviting them in. Sheldon: Right. And which one do I want? Penny: Let's try open. Sheldon: If our friend, the flag, has taught me anything, it's to go where the wind takes you. As long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole. And, action. So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night? Penny: Um, well, I'm from Nebraska. So what can you tell me about the state flag? Sheldon: Gosh, Penny, what'd you have for breakfast? A big glass of good question juice? The Nebraska state flag is simply the state seal on a field of blue. Spread your legs, invite them in. Scene: Outside Raj's apartment. Howard: I'm telling you, something's wrong. I can always feel it when Raj is in trouble. Bernadette: Geez, how close were you guys before we got married? Leonard: Don't look under that rock. (Knocking) Raj, you okay? Howard: You in there? Raj (off): Go away! Leonard: Come on, buddy, open up. Howard: We're worried about you. Raj (off): Oh, just because I've stopped going to work and answering my phone you think something bad happened? Maybe something good happened. Bernadette: Did something good happen? Raj (off): Of course not. Nothing good ever happens. (Opens door. He is wearing a stained vest, his hair is unkempt, and he is drinking wine from a bottle.) Leonard: Whoa. Raj: What? Leonard: Nope, just, just, whoa. Bernadette: It smells pretty ripe in here. You kind feel it in your eyes. Leonard: Raj, what's going on? Raj: I was humiliated by yet another woman. Howard: You didn't kill her and chop her up, that's not what we're smelling, right? Raj: No. I took her for coffee, and she snuck out the bathroom window to get away from me. Bernadette: Oh, you poor baby. Raj: I went and looked. It was a high and tiny window. She must have been very motivated. Howard: I'm sorry. That's awful, but come on, you got to shake it off. Leonard: Yeah, you can't stay in your apartment for the rest of your life. Raj: Why not? With online shopping and overnight delivery, I can get anything I want. Look, I just ordered a case of Dinty Moore beef stew and two live lobsters on Amazon. Leonard: Lobsters overnight? Howard: Oh, you're kidding. Let me see. Well, I'll be. Look, you can throw in a couple steaks and have a surf and turf. Leonard: The surf and turf sounds good. See if they have corn on the cob. Bernadette: Guys, we're trying to get him out of here, not you in. Raj: You're wasting your time. Just please, leave me alone. Howard: Now what? Leonard: I don't know. Bernadette: We could go to Red Lobster and talk about it. We're all thinking it. I just had the decency to wait for him to leave. Scene: The apartment. Amy (on webcam): Hello, Sheldon. Sheldon: Hello. How's the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going? Amy: Fine. Just hold on. Mommy's on the phone! Sorry. We've cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms. Those guys were mellow. Sheldon: Good news. Uh, the latest episode of Fun with Flags is online. Amy: Oh, that's right. How'd it go with Penny? Sheldon: Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome. Amy: Subtle, but powerful. Sheldon: I know. I'm still learning to control it. Amy: Did you tell Penny how helpful she was? Sheldon: Why would I do that? Amy: Because she's your friend, and she did a nice job. I'm sure she'd like to hear it. Sheldon: All right. Amy: I didn't mean now. Hello? Yeah, yeah, you want a cigarette. Well, I'd like a normal boyfriend. Deal with it. Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: Oh, hi. What's up? Sheldon: Um... Penny: You need me to shut the door so you can do your knocking thing? Sheldon: No. I didn't start yet, it's fine. Penny: Okay. So, what do you need? Sheldon: Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock)Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny. Penny: Really? Sheldon: Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful. Penny: Aw, sweetie, you just made my day. Sheldon: Okay. Penny: Hey, my acting class is putting on a play Friday night. I could put you and Amy on the guest list. Sheldon: Oh, that sounds terrible. Why would I want to do that? Scene: The apartment. Amy (on webcam): That's right. They're no good without the lighter. Sheldon: Well, so much for your advice on complimenting Penny. Amy: Why? What happened? Sheldon: She tried to rope us into going to her acting class to see a play. Don't worry. Luckily, I had the good sense to drown that kitten in the river. Amy: Sheldon, that's very rude. She helped you with your show. The right thing to do is reciprocate by going to see her play. Sheldon: Oh, so many crazy rules. Amy: That better be Tootsie Rolls you're throwing at me! Scene: Penny's apartment. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Oh yeah, much better. Penny: What? Sheldon: Amy pointed out to me that since you did something nice for me, I'm obligated to do something nice for you. So, yes, I'll go to your dopey play. Penny: Hey, I don't want you to go any more. Sheldon: Why not? Penny: You should go 'cause you want to go, not because you have to. Sheldon: Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go? Penny: Okay. Do whatever you want. Sheldon: Yeah, but now, wait. Do whatever I want? Or whatever I have to want? Penny: Oh, for God's sake, just come to the play. Sheldon: All right. I don't want to, but at least that makes sense. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The comic book store. Sheldon: You know, I haven't seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps, this time, we go Latin. Howard: He's just decided he's never leaving his apartment again. Sheldon: Oh, brilliant. I've been itching to pull that trigger. Howard: He's upset because he can't get anywhere with women. Sheldon: Would it help if I gave him some pointers? I'm just funnin' ya. Girl: Hi. I don't know if you remember me, but I was here the other night at your party. Stuart: Oh, yeah, you left with Raj. Girl: Uh, yeah. Howard: You're the one? Okay, let me tell you something. That guy you blew off happens to be my best friend. Okay? He was devastated. Girl: Sorry. Can you just give him this? Howard: Okay. But I gotta warn you, Raj is a proud, passionate man. If you go running out on him again, you're only gonna get, like, three or four more chances before you are history. Scene: Raj's apartment. Howard: Come on, she came back. This is good news. You should celebrate. Raj: I don't want to celebrate. Howard: Not even a little? I mean, we could have a pants party. Go put some on. Raj: Why would I want her number? I don't want anything to do with this woman. Howard: Oh, come on, Raj. Raj: No, you don't get it. I want nothing to do with any woman. My heart is stone. From now on, I'm a monk. I renounce all worldly pleasures. Except for lobster. And garlic butter. Howard: Boy, I want to tell you it's her loss, but you are not making it easy. Raj: You're, you're a good friend for trying to help, but, I've made my choice. Howard: All right. Well, I'll see you around. Raj: See you. No, wait, take her number. I don't want the temptation. Howard: Okay. Raj: I must be strong so I don't stray from my true purpose, the study of the universe. Howard: All right. Thanks for ruining lobster for me. Scene: Outside on the street. Raj: Wait! Give me the number! Give me the number! Give me the number! Scene: The apartment. Leonard: So, Amy, what's going on with your addiction study? Amy: Sadly, I'm no longer associated with that project. Leonard: Why? What happened? Amy: Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own faeces back at them and suddenly you're unprofessional. Leonard: I'm sorry. That I asked. Sheldon: All right, let's get this stupid play over with. Leonard: Uh, hang on. Empty your pockets. Sheldon: Why? Leonard: You know why. The Nintendo DS. And the PSP. Now the Gameboy. Sheldon: Aw, for Pete's sake. Can we go now? Leonard: Well, is that all of it? (Pulls a Rubik's cube from his pants.) Just set it down. Amy: Just so you know, this is not a stupid play. A Streetcar Named Desire is an American classic. Sheldon: It's about streetcars? Oh, great. I won't need this. (Pulls out an etch-a-sketch.) Scene: Outside Raj's apartment. The girl from the comic book store knocks on the door. Raj: Just a sec. Oh, who says just a sec? I hate myself. Hello. Girl: Hi. Raj: Uh, would you like to come in? Girl: Oh, no, I can't stay. Raj: Oh. Girl: I just wanted to say, I'm sorry for running out of the coffee shop. That wasn't cool. So, uh, yeah. I'm sorry. Raj: Wait. Can you at least tell me what went wrong? It's okay. I can take anything. Unless it's something I did, or said, or am. 'Cause those are, like, my buttons. Girl: No, it's not any of that. It's just, I kind of have a hard time around people I don't know. Raj: Really? Then what were you doing at the comic book store that night? Girl: I've been trying to force myself into situations that I'm not comfortable with. I saw the flyer in the store window, and I made myself go in. I don't even like comic books. Raj: Yeah, me neither. Girl: Then what were you doing there? Raj: I lied. I love them. I only said that so you'd go out with me. Girl: Oh, you don't want to do that. I'm kind of broken. Raj: That's great. I'm broken, too. Girl: Oh, no, you're not. Raj: Oh, I totally am. If it wasn't for this beer, I couldn't even talk to you right now. I'm a wreck. There are many things seriously wrong with me. And not quirks, either. Like, diagnosable psychological problems. Maybe brain damage. Girl: Well, how do I know you're not just saying that? Raj: Go out with me on one date, and I promise you, you'll see. Girl: Okay. Text me. Bye. Raj: You won't regret it. I'm the most pathetic guy you've ever met. And that, boys and girls, is how it's done. Scene: The theatre. Penny (as Blanche DuBois) : You love her very much, don't you? Actor (as Mitch): Yes. Penny: I think you have a great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand what that is. Actor: To be lonely? Leonard: She's pretty good, huh? Sheldon: She is. But when do they get to the part about streetcars? Penny (as Blanche): ...when I was a very young girl. When I was 16 years old, I made the discovery, love. All at once, and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded. Sheldon: She's remarkable. Leonard: She really is. Amy: Our Penny's a star. Sheldon: How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress, she can't remember no tomato on my hamburger?

Raj and Lucy have coffee after the previous episode. Lucy, scared by his questioning, feigns going to the bathroom to escape their date. Raj is so hurt that he stays in his apartment, feeling incapable of any dating, and refuses to go to work or hang out with friends. When Howard confronts Lucy over her behavior, she gives him her phone number for Raj. Howard then visits Raj at his apartment to give him the number, where he is wearing just a pair of white briefs and Uggs. Initially he has no interest in seeing her again, but later relents. Lucy visits him to apologize for walking out of their date, revealing she is very shy and uncomfortable around people she does not know, but is working on it. Pleased at this, he admits his selective mutism, which she cannot believe, though she agrees to another date to find out. Meanwhile, Sheldon's special guest for a Fun with Flags podcast about the Flag of Nebraska is Penny, who also coaches him on his body language. In a webcam chat, Amy later says he should thank Penny for helping with his podcast. When he does so, she invites him to her class play A Streetcar Named Desire. On Amy's advice he reluctantly agrees to attend, with Amy and Leonard. The play is a success, Penny's strong performance impressing even Sheldon.

fd_Greek_01x17

fd_Greek_01x17_0

KT HOUSE - Living room Cappie : Gentlemen! We are at the threshold of an invasion by a vast and powerful army, an international force that strikes fear and awe into the hearts of the bravest among us. Rusty : It's an Omega Chi retaliation. Cappie : Freshmen parents' weekend. Now, as tradition dictates, every house on Greek row hosts some sort of event for your folks to enjoy. Wade : And to let them see the money they drop on dues every semester is being well-spent. Cappie : As usual, we at Kappa Tau host our annual barbecue. And as usual, preparation of said events falls on your... at times questionable shoulders. Am I hearing whining? Wade : I think you are, Cap. Cappie : Freshmen parents' weekend. Freshmen do the work. And even if it wasn't, need I remind you... pledges. Now, the very nature of this event is entirely up to you. You gonna clean up, you gonna put a little extra effort in, make it all spiffy for mom and pa? Or are you gonna show yourselves off in your natural habitat and fly that Kappa Tau flag freely? Rusty : We're flying our flag? Gonzo : Come on, Spitter. This ain't high school anymore. We do what we want when we want. Ben Bennet : Who cares what our parents think? As pledge class president, I say no cleaning. And we'll heat up some hot dogs... maybe. Rusty : Cap, both my parents are professors. I don't think they're exactly gonna appreciate the Kappa Tau flag. Cappie : Rus, your pledge brothers have chosen. Besides, what are your parents going to expect, really? You told them about us. CRU - Airport Casey : What do you mean, mom and dad don't know about Kappa Tau? I know you talked about it over break. Would you just... Rusty : Sorry. We did. I just haven't told them any real specifics. Casey : So what do they know? Rusty : They think it's a service fraternity. Casey : A service fraternity? Rusty : The Kappa Tau service. Casey : The beer industry. Rusty : I've never lied to mom and dad before. How can I tell them the truth? You know how they feel about the Greek system, especially mom. It's a dangerous distraction... Casey : From academics and your future. I've heard. If you need a living, breathing example of someone who manages to survive without parental approval... Look no further. Rusty : Maybe you can help me explain it to them. Come on, they've accepted your involvement at ZBZ. Casey : First, "accepted" isn't the word I'd use, and secondly, this whole weekend is about you, little man. I'll be entertaining a senator and his wife, which means press coverage. Which means nationals will be all over it. Which means I don't have time to manage Karen and Russell. Rusty : Wow. Casey : Just tell them the truth. Dad'll give you his stern, yet understanding frown. Mom will just put her hand on her chest and look disappointed and judgmental. You can take it. Rusty : Yeah, you're right. I'm a big boy. I can do this. I'm gonna tell 'em the truth. I'm gonna tell 'em the Kappa Taus are a regular fraternity. They don't give a crap about academics, and they like to party. Airport : Flight 510 from Chicago has arrived at Gate number 3. Casey : Look, in 47 hours and 11 minutes, we'll be back here sending them home to Chicago. Rusty : Oh my God, I can't tell them the truth. It's gonna kill them. Casey : Hey Mom. Rusty : Hi Mom. Karen : There's my little big man! Rusty : I missed you. Karen : I missed you too. You look great. Hey honey. How are you? You look lovely. That's wonderful. Casey : I know. Karen : I'm so excited to spend some time with you guys. Credits ZBZ HOUSE - Dinig room Casey : Where are the spoons? And we need extra forks, please. Could you put this back in the fridge? It'll be sour by the time everyone gets here this afternoon. Frannie : Is there anything I can do to help? What's Senator Logan's ETA? Did you speak with him directly? Casey : His aide confirmed this morning. They know when the tea is starting. Frannie : If you ever need anyone to delegate, you can just delegate out to... Sorry. Overstepping. Aren't you excited, though? We're hosting a US Senator and his wife. A man who every day makes decisions that effect great change for this nation. I have a million questions. Casey : My only question for them is at what age did they have Rebecca's horns and demon tail removed? Frannie : Right. So I'm surprised the Omega Chis haven't tried to get in on the senator action. Casey : Ashleigh heard they're taking parents to Canyon Lake for a weekend retreat. Frannie : So... you haven't been in touch with Evan since the mixer. Casey : Not really. Why? Frannie : No reason. I'll go make sure that the cream is safe and chilled. Ashleigh : She making you crazy? Casey : She's not. Rebecca : Just a reminder. My mother likes chamomile tea with a twist of lemon, and my father hates biscotti. Casey : This is the first I'm hearing about the biscotti. Ashleigh : Breathe. This is manageable. We'll just separate the biscotti out like the loser crouton cookie-wannabes they are. And everything's gonna be fine. Casey : Thank you. Ashleigh : So what about your parents? Are they gonna come by? They missed our freshmen parents' weekend 'cause you got sick. Remember ? Casey : And then I miraculously got well when they decided not to come. Ashleigh : Yeah, that was crazy. And I am so stupid. Casey : No, you're not. You're not stupid. You just have great, nonjudgmental parents that you never lie to. You can't imagine other people lying to theirs. Ashleigh : But you're awesome. Casey : But I'm not Rusty. They get him. They don't get me. They don't get the whole greek thing. Ashleigh : But they're okay with the KTs? Casey : That is Rusty's problem. Me? I'm on tap for a few meals this weekend, and that's it. Which is exactly how I want it. Does anyone like biscotti? CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Rusty : A student photography exhibit? Love that. And Professor Bernstein is doing a Tai Chi demonstration. Dale : When are you taking 'em over to your house of ill repute? Rusty : I don't think they'll find that as interesting as... the parents' fireside chat at Lockhart Pavilion. Dale : That's good. You're embarrassed. Means your conscience is kicking in. Rusty : I'm not embarrassed, Dale. It's just not part of my life they'd understand. Dale : When I told my parents about your descent into the Greek sect, my mother cried, my father said "GD" for the first time in his life. Rusty : Why'd you tell them? Dale : 'Cause they're my best friends. Somebody knocks on the door. All : Kettlewells! Fred : Come here! Norma : You look wonderful, sugar toes. Dale : You always say that, mom. Fred : And she always means it. Now, how are you, son? Dale : I'm wonderful. Fred : This is Norma. I'm Fred. You must be Rusty. Rusty : Yes, Sir and nice to meet you. Norma : We've heard a lot about you. Rusty : What's that? Dale : An air mattress. You know, 'cause of my dad's sciatica, he can't just sleep on the floor. Rusty : They're sleeping here? Dale : Yeah. They're only here for two days. We want to spend as much time together as possible. Rusty : Great... I just didn't realize they were bunking with us. Norma : We're very tolerant people, Rusty. Fred : I see you're getting a lot of mileage out of your granddad's flag. Dale : He'd be proud. CRU - Street Cappie : What's it like being a senator's daughter? Rebecca : What's it like being a hippie's son? Cappie : My parents are too young to be ones. They're free spirits. And hemp connoisseurs. And there's nothing special about being their son. Rebecca : Neither is being a senator's daughter. Cappie : Except for the money, the power, the prestige, the press. Rebecca : The restriction, the phonies, the scrutiny. Cappie : You make it sound a lot more fun than I do. Rebecca : Can we please not talk about my family? Cappie : Look, I just want some pre-introduction stats. Like is your father a cigar guy or an "all smoking is bad" guy? Or is he into golf or team sports? What about your mom? Is she... Rebecca : You're not gonna meet them, okay? I just don't wanna do the whole meet the parents thing. Cappie : Oh. Ok. I was just thinking we could have a nice meal with some amuse-bouche, something poached, maybe chutneyed. Rebecca : I'm sorry. This is new, and it's nice. And I don't wanna jam it under the parent microscope yet. Is that all right? Cappie : Yeah. Yeah, fine. Sure. Your call. CRU - Restaurant Rusty : So you ready to work off this massive brunch? Here. Russel : What's this? What an extensive selection of events. Karen : Honey, look! It's an astronomical introduction to the night sky. I'd love to hear their take on Pluto. Stupid dwarf planet. Rusty : And then after lunch, we have this fun... geological walking tour of the campus. And then there's an open house at the engineering department. We have an historical walking tour of the campus, a special lecture on cyberspace and metapolitics, dinner... Then bed. Karen : Casey, will you be joing us today? Casey : You know, I would love to. Cyber-politics and meta-space are always hard to pass up. But I am slammed this weekend. And I figured freshmen parents' weekend. You being the parents, Rusty being the freshman... I'll see you all at dinner tonight. Russel : Sorority's keeping you busy, huh? Casey : Actually, we're hosting a US senator today... Senator Ken Logan. A man who every day makes decisions that effect great change in our nation. Karen : Well, a sorority is a good place for Senator Logan. I mean, after all of his votes against funding higher education... He'd be an idiot to go anywhere near anything remotely academic on a college campus. Casey : ZBZ has the highest cumulative grade point average of all the sororities on campus. Karen : Well, that's great, honey. What about your fraternity, Rusty? Serious, like-minded boys without any sort of animal housedistractions. I mean, you must be pushing a 4.0. Rusty : I'm not sure if anyone's added it up. Casey : Or could. Karen : What was that, honey? Casey : Coffee. It's good. Russel : I don't see anything about your little fraternity on here. Are we gonna be able to check that out later? Rusty : Unfortunately, it's closed this weekend. Because most of the guys are out of town. In Mexico. Building huts. Russel : Is that right? Rusty : It's for humanity. Like habitat for humanity. But huts, so... Hubitat. They're great people. Casey : You guys should probably get going. Don't wanna miss any of that tour. Karen : You're right. Miss you. Casey : Bye Rusty, bye mom, bye dad. CRU - Street Girl : Now, this sedimentary dolomite rock happens to be known as big singer. Not because it actually sings. But because back when this was a sugar beet farm, the pickers used to have their lunch... Next to this rock and sing whimsical folk songs... About how they enjoyed working together. Beaver : Spitter, Spitter.... Spitter ??? Girl : She'll be comin'around the mountain... Beaver : Are these the crazy Cartwrights? Russel : I don't know about crazy... Karen : I'm Karen. This is Russell. Beaver : Hi. I'm the... Rusty : Charles. Beaver : Huh? My... my name isn't... Rusty : These are my parents. Beaver : You got a good kid here. He's a little uptight, but we're working on that, right? Rusty : Yeah. Beaver : I'll see you at the house. Karen : The house? Beaver : Kappa Tau. For parents' weekend. You're... you're coming, right? Rusty : Right. Russel : What about Mexico? Beaver : Gee, that'd be kind of far away, but real fun. Don't forget the cups. Karen : Nice to meet you, Charles. Girl : Are there any questions? Russel : What happened to building huts? Rusty : They must have gotten done early. Girl : If you'll follow me, please. Rusty : Tour's leaving. You don't wanna miss the titan botanical gardens. It's a highlight. Karen : Why did he call you Spitter? Rusty : That's my nickname. Yeah. I spit on injustice everywhere. Figuratively. ZBZ HOUSE - Dinig room Casey : And, Ash, make sure there are ZBZs near him at all times to maximize photo ops. While Senator, Mrs. Logan and the press are here, they are priority numero uno. Ashleigh : Got it. Casey : I hope your folks will be favorably impressed. Rebecca : They'll be touched by your concern for their happiness and... Wait... I still see biscotti. Casey : Mom, Dad... Rusty ? What are you doing here? Russel : Change of plans. Rusty's fraternity's throwing a last-minute dinner tonight. Rusty : The KT barbecue. I realized I need a little time to help my brothers at the service fraternity get the place ready before mom and dad come over. Karen : And we thought since we hadn't gone to your parents' weekend your freshman year, that, why not give it a shot now? Why not? Unless it's some trouble, and then we can always go back to the hotel. Russel : Or pitch in and help Rusty's fraternity. Would they mind that? Casey : No... trouble at all. It's great. Come on in and have some tea. Rusty : I'll see you at dinner tonight. Love you. CRU - Street Dale : This is the route I take every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 10 a.m. To solid state chemistry with Dr. Juergens. Which reminds me... I actually have a paper I kinda need to go finish. Fred : But we want to trace every moment of how you spend your day. Norma : And photograph it! Let's go! I got a new pair of scholl's. Dale : Let's go. KT HOUSE - Hallway Rusty : Ok. Look. I know nobody cares what their parents think. Unfortunately, I do. I just wanna clean up a little. I'll do it myself. No one has to help. Cappie : Oh. Spitter. Are you showing shame for the KT ways? Rusty : I know. I'm sorry. But I am trying to live up to the Cartwright ways. My parents are not ready to see the new Rusty. Cappie : Your parents aren't ready? Rusty : I'm not ready to show him to them. They like me the way I was. Cappie : It's not like you had a s*x change operation, Spitter. But... your adam's apple is a bit less pronounced. Rusty : Come on, Cap. Cappie : Ease up. You're not alone. Happens every year. Friday night, you're all a bunch of tough guys, and Saturday morning, you turn into Amelia Bedelias. Go on, grab your apron. Get to work. ZBZ HOUSE - Dining room Casey : And if you guys want some coffee, we have regular and decaf. Russel : I doubt the boys' little soiree will be quite this impressive. Karen : I'm sure most of the money goes towards philanthropy rather than entertaining. Casey : Case, do you gals have any biscotti? Check the chairs. Stay here. I'll be right back. Senator Logan : Rebecca ! Rebecca : Daddy ! Senator Logan : Look at you. You look wonderful. Rebecca : Thank you! Where's mom? Senator Logan : Mom wasn't feeling very well. But I get you to myself all weekend. Rebecca : What's wrong? Senator Logan : Nothing to worry about. She's just a little tired. Casey : Senator Logan. I'm Casey Cartwright. President of the ZBZs. Senator Logan : Nice to meet you, madame president. This is some house. Casey : Please make yourself at home. Rebecca : Daddy ? What happened? Senator Logan : Sweetheart, there's nothing to discuss. I'm here, and we're gonna have a great weekend together. Now, we have reservations for dinner tonight. And tomorrow, I expect you'll be my date at the dean's reception, okay? Wow. Will you look at this spread? Ken Logan. Karen : Senator. Senator Logan : Which one of these impressive young ladies is yours? Casey : I'm hers. She's mine. Karen : My daughter and I were talking earlier about your higher education funding. Casey : Would you... excuse us? I need to... Come. Russel : Nice to meet you. Karen : Casey, I wasn't gonna attack the man. I was gonna ask him a question which, as an elected official, he should be able to field. Casey : But... here? Write the guy a letter. Karen : Fine. Fine. Well, let's talk about you. Ashleigh : Hi. I'm Ashleigh. I'm Casey's roommate. I can't tell you how much morale has improved since Casey's become president. She basically saved us from losing our charter, which would have been... Whatever. But because of her hard work, we are still in good standing. Karen : That's terrific, Ashleigh. Ashleigh : Yeah, it really is. Because now we can focus all our energy on the reasons we joined ZBZ in the first place. Like parties and mixers and... Sister bonding. And... rituals, traditions. Casey : Wow, you guys are out of tea. Ash, would you get them some more? Ashleigh : Philanthropy. Casey : My grades are good. Everything's fine. And I am still very much considering law school. Karen : To be a lawyer? Casey : I'm not... sure... At this exact moment. Karen : Well, before you go down a road, you need to know where you're headed. Casey : Well, I'm thinking about politics. Karen : Casey, honey, come on. This is your junior year. You need to start making some tough decisions. Casey : Now? At a sorority tea? Karen : Look at Rusty. He's focused. He's getting his BS in polymer sci. He's going to graduate, go to graduate school. He's gonna go to JPL... Casey : As you've made clear, I am not him. Russel : We don't expect you to be Rusty. Casey : What I want is to be at the center of things, to be challenged and inspired. I'm just not sure what form that's going to take. Karen : If you took a little less time with your social life and saving the sorority, you could be specific. Russel : We worry about you. Casey : Don't. Why don't you just try having a little faith in me instead of constantly telling me everything I'm interested in or good at is a waste of time. Ashleigh : More tea? CRU - Doblers Casey : Whiskey and diet. Cappie : Tough day on the road crew, Mack? Casey : My parents are here. Cappie : Jeez, between you and your brother, I'm expecting the parental Cartwrights to be some kind of oozing green monsters with, I don't know... Your smile, maybe Rusty's hair. Casey : Worse. They look perfectly normal. And if you met them, you, like everyone else, would love them. Cappie : In two hours, I'll get to test that theory. Casey : Right! Right, my parents are going to Kappa Tau. This'll be fun. Cappie : And... this pleases you? Because you think they'll disapprove of us. Casey : Oh yeah. But I'm not proud of wanting that. Cappie : You know, it's so inspiring to see such a caring sibling relationship. Be warned. KTs actually might surprise you. Casey : It'll take more than bleach, furniture polish to fool Karen Cartwright. So, speaking of parents, what do you think of senator Logan? Cappie : From what I've seen on tv, he's a handsome man who uses a little too much hair product. But he's avoided the comb-over, so he gets my vote. Casey : You haven't met him yet. Cappie : Not going to. Apparently, I'm not senate ready, which, by the way, I totally am. Casey : You really like her. Cappie : Yeah. Casey : I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was parent serious. Cappie : Well, it's... It's not. Not exactly. Casey : Fine. It's not. You should cut her some slack, though, when it comes to her dad. Cappie : Wait... a... minute. Are you sticking up for Rebecca Logan? Casey : You see? Parents show up, and everything goes nuts. Cappie : Cheers to that. CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Norma : Honey ? Tater tot. Honestly. Sweetie, it's rude to have these on when someone's trying to talk to you. Dale : Well, I had them on, so I didn't know you were trying to talk to me. What did you want? Norma : Well, I was wondering if you'd be... Up for another round of uno. Or hearts, maybe. You gotta give me a chance to win back some of my toothpicks! Fred : I'm smelling a card game-athon! Dale : You know, I actually just realized I think I have to step out for a minute. Norma : We'll go with you. Dale : I'll just be a second. Fred : Come on, Daley. Just let me slip my shoes on. My feet are swelling. Your feet starting to swell, son? Dale : No. No, they're not. Norma : Look at the time! It's 4:30! It's dinnertime! Is it? No wonder my stomach's been growling like a tiger. 'course, you wouldn't know, 'cause you had your headphones on. Dale : I sure did. CRU - Hotel Senator Logan : Becca, I was just coming down to the lobby to see you. Rebecca : Surprise. Senator Logan : I'm starving. You ready to eat? Yeah, Heather made us reservations for 6:30 at Red Door. Rebecca : No offense to Heather, but I think I'd rather go somewhere else. CRU - Street Karen : I wasn't sure if you were coming. Casey : We said we were having dinner together. Karen : Yes, we did, but, you know, after what happened earlier... Russel : Which was in the past. Now we're traveling to the future. A night of family fun. Karen : You're right. I'm sorry. Let's just look forward to having a lovely evening with all of us together. Casey : I know I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait to see what you two think of Kappa Tau. KT HOUSE - Hallway Rusty : Hi. Karen : Hi. Casey : Nice banner. Thanks. Doesn't it look good? Cappie : Mr. And Mrs. Cartwright. I'm Cappie, president of Kappa Tau Gamma. Karen : Kudos to you and all the work that you kids do. Cappie : Thank you so much. Well, we are very committed to what we do here. Russel : You could use a fresh coat of paint out front. Cappie : Well, sir, our paint money goes to much more urgent causes. Let me show you around. Please. [SCENE_BREAK] KT HOUSE - Garden Russel : Go, go get some food. Rusty : I'll see you in a second. Hey. Casey : I can't believe you got these guys to put on this ridiculous show. Rusty : Well, I learned from the best. You've been pulling this off most of your life. Now it's my turn. Casey : Yep. You're perfect. Rusty : Thanks again for helping out this afternoon. I mean it. Casey : Anytime, Russ. Rusty : Listen, there's a... another party. There's arealparty when all the parents leave if you wanna come back. Thanks again. Casey : Anytime. Rebecca : Dad, I'd like you to meet Cappie, my boyfriend. Cappie : Senator Logan. It's a pleasure to meet you. Senator Logan : Nice to meet you. Cappie : Had I known you were coming, I would have worn socks. Rebecca : No need for that. I want him to meet you just as you are. Cappie : This is my friend... Beaver : Charles. A pleasure, sir. Senator Logan : Nice to meet you. Beaver : Excuse me. Cappie : So, are you enjoying your stay, Sir? Senator Logan : Very much. Beautiful campus. Beautiful weather. Cappie : Yeah, the wea... You ever notice that it's about 20 degrees warmer here than anywhere else in the state? We never have to wear coats. Who said there's no upside to global warming? Senator Logan : Who said there's such a thing as global warming? So, you from around here? Cappie : No, sir. No, northern California. Rebecca : But his family moved around a lot. Senator Logan : In the military. Rebecca : Deadheads. Followed the band everywhere. Senator Logan : Well, I'd love to meet them. Cappie : They're not here. This is freshman parents' weekend. I'm a junior. Senator Logan : So, Cappie, what is your area of study? Rebecca : Cappie's declared a lot of majors. Cappie : I have a voracious intellectual appetite. Rebecca : And he's not very ambitious. Cappie : Would you excuse us, sir? Why are you trying to make me look like Kevin Federline? Rebecca : Hey, Kevin Federline's an upstanding citizen. Cappie : You know what I mean. I'm trying to get your father to like me, and you're making me look like a... You don't want him. Rebecca : I don't care who he likes. Cappie : Yes, you do. And you're trying to use me to piss him off. Rebecca : Come on. You can take it. Cappie : Tell your father it was nice to meet him. Rebecca : Where are you going? Cappie : If you wanna piss off daddy, fine. Just leave me out of it. Rebecca : Cappie, come on! KT HOUSE - Living room Karen : Well, this was so fun. My first frat party. Rusty : Yes. I'm so glad you guys came. Russel : You sure we can't coax you out for some dessert? Rusty : I can't. I can't, all right? Pledges have to clean up. Ben Bennett : We just hate waking up to a mess. Rusty : Recycling. Karen : Well, of course! Well, I guess it's just us then. Casey : I guess so. Karen : Bye, honey. Rusty : Bye. Karen : It was wonderful. Russel : So proud of you. Rusty : Bye, dad. Bye, Casey. Casey : Rusty. Rusty : See ya. Yes. CRU - Street - Casey's car Russel : Did you know that Ben Bennett is a kidney donor? Casey : I hadn't heard that. Russel : I didn't hear it from ben himself. One of the brothers told me about it, and I think it's great. Karen : It is so amazing. What an impressive collection of young men. I mean, wholesome and helpful, and, you know, committed to social welfare. Russel : It would be Rusty who goes off to college to find a group like this. Karen : Hey, you know, the Kappa Tau could come and give a kind of... A how-to philanthropy seminar to your sorority. Whoa... sweetheart! Where are you going? Casey : I forgot something at Kappa Tau. KT HOUSE - Living room Karen : Wow, where did everybody go? Russel : Case, what'd you forget? Casey : I left it in the basement. Russel : Since when were you in the basement? What's going on here? Karen : Who are these people? Casey : Katrina victims. Russel : Where's Rusty? Casey : I don't know. Hey, Rusty? Rusty : Mom, dad... I don't drink. ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Casey : He totally deserved it, right? I mean, putting on the whole mr. Little perfect act at everyone else's expense. Ashleigh : I just can't believe anyone would buy the kts as a service fraternity. How did they explain the vomit smell? Casey : If it was associated with my brother, my parents probably thought it smelled like Roses. Ashleigh : You're like scary mad. Rusty : Yeah, I am. Why would you ambush me like that? Casey : You're 18 years old, Rusty. It's time for you to stand up to mom and dad and fight. Rusty : For what? My right to party? You knew they weren't gonna understand. Casey : You wanted to join a fraternity. Why not just say it? Rusty : Because I'm not like you. I care what mom and dad think of me. Casey : News flash... so do I. And I am so tired of them thinking you're perfect and I'm ridiculous. Rusty : Yeah, well, you try being Casey Cartwright's dorky little brother. Your sister's so pretty. Your sister's so cool. Your sister has friends. You were like perfect. Casey : To everyone except mom and dad. Rusty : They're making me quit Kappa Tau. Casey : What? Rusty : Personally, I'd rather they thought I was ridiculous. CRU - Living room Ashleigh : Cheesoritos. That's a cry for help. What's wrong? Rebecca : I think it's over with Cappie. Ashleigh : Sorry. So did you cheat? Lie? Well, you haven't been together long enough for the slow, relentless dimming of passion. Rebecca : I humiliated him. Ashleigh : Why? Rebecca : 'cause I'm an idiot. Ashleigh : You've been much nicer since you've been dating him. Can you fix it? Rebecca : I don't know how. Ashleigh : It's not brain surgery. Just give him the same thing that we'd want. Thoughtful gifts. Or extravagant ones. Guilty party's choice. Then total acceptance of responsibility, even if it's not your fault. Although, in this case, it sounds like it is. And then follow up with a full groveling apology. CRU - Dale & rusty's room - Frontdoor Rusty : What are you waiting for? Dale : Just... just back off, okay? Rusty : What's wrong with you? Dale : They're driving me nuts. Rusty : Your parents? Dale : Yeah. They won't leave me alone. I finally put on The passion of the Christ and said I was going to the bathroom. That was like an hour ago. Rusty : So you need time to yourself. There's nothing wrong with that. Dale : Yeah, but that's never happened. I used to never want to get away from my parents. I cherished every moment we had together. Rusty : So now you're finding that that old cherished relationship, it's... a little restrictive. Dale : College has corrupted me. I'm not the boy they sent away. Rusty : That's right. You don't have to be. That's why we came here, right? To find out who we are. To become our own men. And they have no right to make us feel ashamed of that. Dale : Wait. Be quiet. The flaying stopped? No. Never mind. I don't know, Rusty. Rusty : Okay, look. It's time we stop being scared of losing their approval. What, we're not doing anything wrong. Growing up is not a punishable offense. Dale : Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Someone opens the door. Norma : There are you, monkey-buns. Where'd you go? We were starting to get worried about you. Dale : Well, mom, actually, I... I just didn't want to interrupt during the resurrection. KT HOUSE - Cappie's room Rebecca : Brought you breakfast. Your favorite. Greasy egg sandwich and 44 ounces of sugar and caffeine. Cappie : Dad with a pretty girl. Zeta Beta without the scandal. Rebecca : Yeah. Win-win for all concerned. Cappie : There's no mention of the senator's daughter's poor taste in boyfriends, though. Rebecca : I know I said I'm not that girl anymore, but sometimes he just gets to me. I can't help myself from trying to piss him off. Cappie : That's your apology? Rebecca : It's my excuse. I'm getting to the apology. My father is having an affair. Again. This time it's with that stupid bubble-headed aide. I saw her coming out of his hotel room in a robe. Cappie : Okay, well... If there was an acceptable excuse, which there isn't, that would, you know, be up there. Rebecca : I'm so sorry I used you last night. That's the last thing I would ever want you to feel. I don't wanna push you away... Because... I think that I... You know... Maybe... Very possibly... Care about you. Cappie : Maybe ? Very possibly ? You are smothering me. Rebecca : Hey, it's huge for me. Cappie : Excuse and apology accepted. CRU - caf Russel : We're doing what we think is best for him. Casey : But it's not. Look, there's more to college than just school. I know you guys think that fraternities and sororities are some kind of gateway drug to a pointless life. But they're not. Look, Rusty's great. He's not going to end up like planless, unfocused Casey. Don't worry. He's not gonna be like me. Rusty : I can't think of anyone else I'd rather be like. Casey : Rusty, I'm trying to help you. Rusty : I'm trying to help them understand that being like you is something to aspire to. If I were like you, I'd have amazing people skills. I'd be able to solve problems creatively. If I got to be president of my fraternity, I'd basically be learning how to be a CEO of a small corporation. Yeah, all in all, I'd be pretty incredible. And I would expect my parents to be proud of me. And I would stand up for what I want no matter what. Which means for right now, I will be remaing in Kappa Tau while maintaing the high academic standards that happen to be just as important to me as they are to you. And if I have to find a way to pay for it myself, I will. And I wanna see a menu. I wanna see it now. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Senator Logan : The dean is expecting us. Rebecca : I'm sorry. I know how you hate to keep people waiting. I'm particularly sorry because I'm not going with you. I'm afraid I have other plans. Maybe Heather can go. Senator Logan : Young lady. Young lady! This is an important function. I expect you. Cappie : Senator. Rebecca : Bye, daddy. Have fun. CRU - Airport Karen : We've decided to let Rusty stay in the fraternity. Your father's telling him now. You know, halfway through your brother's soliloquy at breakfast, it became very apparent that your stubbornness and independence had rubbed off on him. Casey : Which aren't my worst characteristics. Karen : They're two of your best. And you got 'em from me. Casey : Have you seen my mother? I mean, you have the same "mom" hair, but. Karen : And a tendency toward sarcasm? Not either of our best characteristics. Casey, we're very different people. And I don't know if I'll ever understand your approach to life. Casey : But that doesn't mean... Karen : Let me finish. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't have value. And that it's not gonna lead to some magnificent and purposeful place. Casey : Thank you. Karen : Now you know, I can't promise that I'm still not gonna nag about GREs and ISATs. Casey : That's all right. I guess... I could use a slightly more defined plan of action. Karen : Slightly more defined. Casey... Casey : Mom, mom! You're about to ruin a really nice moment here. Airport : Flight 217 non-stop to Chicago is now boarding. Russel : Okey dokey. Our flight is boarding. Karen : All right. Off we go. Rusty : Bye, mom. Karen : Love you, honey. Rusty : Love you too. Thanks for coming. Karen : Thank you. All right. Russel : All right. Karen : Come on, Russell. Casey : Bye, dad. Russel : Good-bye, sweetheart. Casey : See you soon. Rusty : You and mom looked pretty chummy. Casey : Well, after your throw-down this morning, I kinda sorta became their new favorite. Sorry. And I'm really, really sorry for the ambushing. Rusty : No, I'm actually relieved they know. But... I could have done without them seeing me in drag. Casey : Yeah. I guess this was a pretty good trip. Rusty : Yeah. I'm kinda sorry to see 'em go. Airport : Attention passengers on flight 217 non-stop to Chicago: your flight has been delayed two hours.

It's freshman parent's week and Rusty attempts to prevent his parents from seeing Kappa Tau. Casey is concerned with impressing Senator Logan, while fighting off her parent's disapproval. Dale discovers he's growing apart from his close-knit family. Discovering her father's infidelity, Rebecca uses Cappie to disappoint her high-profile father.

fd_Alias_04x07

fd_Alias_04x07_0

IRK(U)TSK Exterior night shot of foreign looking street. Cut to close up panning shot of a jukebox. All the writing on it is in Cyrillic. A Russian language bluesy ballad is playing. Cut to scenes of glasses and a beer tap, then pan from the bartender's hand (which is pouring a drink) to two men sitting at a back table speaking in Russian. Man: You came alone, yes? The man is nervously tapping his fingers on the table. Close up on the man's hand as it taps and then another hand, which reaches over to stop the movement. Camera pans up: It's Vaughn. Vaughn: The information, Anatoly. Anatoly (in English): I'm an officer. I swore an oath never to betray State secrets. Vaughn: You said it was important; highest national security... What is it? Anatoly: Russia's been developing Black Thorine. Vaughn (unbelieving): Developing? Researching... Anatoly: Producing; we've made some. We've only been able to distill a small amount; ten milliliters: enough for a single vial. This government...will stop at nothing to contain this information. Vaughn: So why tell me? Anatoly: Because the vial was stolen. Vaughn's eyes widen in reaction. Vaughn: By whom? Anatoly reaches into his coat and pulls out a small, folded piece of paper and hands it to Vaughn. Anatoly: This is the routing number to my superior's bank account. He's recently come into a great deal of money. Both men look up as the door to the bar opens. Two men in military uniform approach them. One of them pulls a gun and aims it at Anatoly. Soldier (in Russian): Lieutenant Anatoly Grodsky, come with us. Vaughn looks at the soldiers and then at Anatoly as he stands up from the table, knowing that whatever happens, it's not going to be good. Suddenly, Anatoly tries to pull his pistol, but is shot before he can. Then the soldier aims his gun at Vaughn. Soldier (in Russian): Who are you? Vaughn puts his hands up. Vaughn (in Russian): I'm not the one you need to worry about... Pan to see Sydney, in traditional Russian garb behind the soldiers with a mop handle. She swings it into the soldier holding the gun. It discharges harmlessly as it is knocked out of his hand. Vaughn begins to fight with the second one as the first one grabs the broken mop handle from Sydney and tries to use it against her. Vaughn punches his soldier, then grabs his head and rams it into a glass mirror on the wall. The other soldier has Sydney pushed up against the bar with the wooden handle across her throat. Sydney successfully takes control of the bar, smashing the soldier in the side of the head with it, pushing him backward. She swings around and hits the soldier with it again, causing him to fall to his hands and knees. Vaughn, turning from his fight, notices the man trying to get up and viciously elbows him in the head, dropping the man to the floor unconscious. Vaughn (to Sydney): Let's go! Vaughn and Sydney hurry out of the bar. CUT TO BLACK LOS AN(G)ELES Establishing night shot of LA skyline. Cut to Sydney coming home from her trip, entering her home. Sloane (offscreen): Sydney! From the foyer, she looks down into the living room...to see Sloane sitting with Nadia. Sloane looks pleased to see her; Nadia looks a bit nervous. Sloane: We didn't expect you back so soon. Cut to Sydney still unmoving in the hallway; the shock and disgust on her face is palpable. She palms her keys into her other hand and then deliberately walks down the stairs toward them. She walks behind the breakfast bar counter; Sloane and Nadia are sitting on the other side. Sloane takes a drink from a glass. Sloane: So, Russia...was a success... Sydney (coldly, cutting him off): Yeah. Sydney coldly stares down Sloane. Next to him, Nadia looks down as if nervous or ashamed. Sydney (unblinking): There's a report waiting for you...in the office. Sydney continues to coldly stare at Sloane. Nadia (trying to make amends): Sydney...he just dropped by...I didn't realize... Sydney (cutting her off, still addressing Sloane): Get out. Sloane looks down, spins his glass on the counter slightly. Sloane: All right. He leans over and kisses Nadia on the cheek. Sloane: I'll walk myself out. Sydney turns to look accusingly at Nadia; Nadia looks admonished. Sloane turns halfway up the staircase. Sloane: I'll see you both tomorrow. Nadia: Okay. Sydney says nothing; just gives him another look of death and then turns back to look at her sister, as if waiting for an explanation. After Sloane leaves, Nadia gives her one. Nadia: He came by wanting to talk...He says he wants a fresh start; to get to know me. Sydney (is disbelief): You think that's all he wants? A little father-daughter bonding!? Nadia: I know you feel about him... Sydney (cutting her off): You can't possibly. Nadia: I don't understand; you work with him at APO. Sydney: I accepted the job so I could watch him. Don't delude yourself, Nadia, into thinking you can trust that man! Do that, and you will end up hating yourself for it. Nadia: He's my father! Sydney (shaking her head): If you knew what he's done... Nadia: Sydney, I know. I know what he did...to you; what he took from you: your best friend, your fiance. Sydney (after a pause): And knowing that, you still let him into my home. Nadia looks down at her lap. There are tears hovering in her eyes. Nadia: I'm not naive, Sydney. I'm not deluded. It's not easy to reconcile the past; I thought you had. Sydney looks away, then down. Cut to briefing room at APO. The gang is all sitting around the table. Arvin is standing behind Nadia's chair. Nadia: The development of Black Thorine violates how many treaties? Sloane: Twelve, to be exact. Marshall: Well, there's a reason. I mean, it's a mega-breakthrough in explosives. It's odorless, undetectible, I, uh...ran a simulation. Check it out. All turn and watch the screen as a whole city block explodes. Marshall: (Whistles) Huh? I leveled an entire city block, and that just a little drop of Black Thorine...imagine if you add the whole...vial...Actually, it's a really...depressing take on progress. Weiss: Are we sure there's only one vial? Sloane: The Russians are stonewalling; they refuse to admit the existence of the substance, much less that they're developing one. But my sources confirm that they're panicking. Sydney looks up at this announcement with pure venom in her eyes. Sydney: Your sources... Sloane: If that vial is their only prototype as the intel appears to corroborate, its theft has set their classified weapons program back decades. Sydney (still pushing): Would you mind telling us where that intel comes from? Or are we all supposed to rely on your sources...no questions asked. Panning around the table, everyone appears distinctly uncomfortable and Vaughn gives Sydney an admonishing look. Sloane: It's a fair question...but one I'm not inclined to answer, unless you need me to explain the essential nature of confidentiality. Sydney (staring him down unflinchingly, answering with much sarcasm): No, I'm all caught up on that, thanks. Cut to Nadia's reaction; she obviously doesn't like seeing her only two living relatives fighting. Sloane: What matters is that we recover the vial. Jack: We were able to trace the routing number the informant gave Vaughn. Two million Euros were deposited into the account (Hands out folders) of Colonel Nikolai Voskev. The money came from this man: Boris Tambor. The photo shows a young, attractive man in his early 30's talking on a cellphone. Vaughn: The Russian oil magnate? Jack: Tambor might have made his money in oil, but he's since diversified into mining, media outlets, and his latest venture, arms dealing. Nadia: Seems Tambor's quite a player; high-end real estate all over Europe. Sydney: He owns a fleet of sports cars: Ferarris, Lambourghinis, Bentleys... Weiss: This guy's living my junior high fantasy... Marshall: Or my current one... Sloane: Tambor keeps his entire operation mobile. He never stays in one place too long. Right now, he's booked into the Santa Monteya Monte Carlo. Jack: He takes a regular seat at the high-stakes poker table every night at nine. That will be your window. Sloane: Your mission is to get into Tambor's suite, find out where he keeps the Black Thorine, how he plans to move it. You leave tonight. Wheels up 2200. Sydney immediately gets up and leaves the table without a backward glance. Sloane watches her leave, his face unreadible. Cut to Sydney, sitting in front of her desk at APO, deep in troubled thought. Pan to see Dixon, sitting at the desk next to her, studying her. She finally realizes he's watching her and looks down as if embarrassed. Dixon gets up and sits down on the corner of Sydney's desk. Dixon: You wanna tell me about it? Sydney: Sloane. He was in my house...last night, to visit Nadia. I came home; he was sitting in my living room. Dixon sighs and nods as if in understanding. Dixon: Oh. Sydney: I thought I could do this--work for Sloane again--but now I...I don't know; I think I might have been kidding myself. Sydney and Dixon share a long look. Dixon: I dream about Diane...Which isn't unusual, I've been told...except for me? It's almost every night. These dreams...are always the same. At some point, I get to her, and I hold her face...and I can see it in her eyes: the dissapointment..in me, that I couldn't prevent what happened. Then, she tells me that she loves me, and she loves the kids. And she asks me to do the right thing. She doesn't ask me to; she tells me to. And that's how I make peace...with Sloane. I don't put the past away, or compartmentalize it...I transmute it. I make it the right decision...today. Sydney (moved): I hope I'm capable of that. Dixon: I know you are. Sydney smiles at Dixon, and he places a hand on her shoulder and then leans in to give her a fatherly kiss on the forehead before walking away, leaving Sydney with her thoughts. CUT TO BLACK Alias Theme (or, This is the time in Alias when we dance!) Establishing daytime shot of LA by day via helicopter. Cut to Nadia at firing range as her shots take out the paper target's head. Sydney walks up behind Nadia as she removes her hearing protection. Sydney: Sorry about last night. Nadia (shaking her head): It was my fault. My father is one of the reasons that... Sydney: You don't have to explain. I get it. Nadia nods, waiting. Sydney: When our mother came back, she...she had done her share of bad things. Nadia: I know. Sydney: But still...I needed to know her. I just did. Nadia (smiling): Thanks. Sydney smiles back at her sister. Sydney (playful): Nice shot. Cut to Sydney and Nadia putting their goggles and hearing protection on and firing at targets side by side. Both of them take surreptitious glances at how the other is doing. Both of their targets' heads are filled with holes. CUT TO BLACK MONTE C(A)RLO Nighttime establishing shot of Monte Carlo. Cut to a luxury suite where Sydney, Vaughn, Weiss and Nadia prepare for their mission. Nadia stands in front of a mirror in a maid's uniform, straightening her name badge on her chest. Weiss walks up to study the pin, Weiss: What's that...Gretchen!? (shakes his head and smirks) Nah, I don't buy you as a "Gretchen". Nadia turns playfully to look at him as if insulted. Nadia: Nein? Was scheine ich zu sein, Herr Weiss? Weiss (impressed): Whoa...uh, I, uh...okay. Sydney: Okay, guys...we have one hour. You all know the drill. Vaughn (at computer): Surveille the room, get in, get out with the Black Thorine. Cut to a maid vaccuuming a hallway. Camera pans up; it's Nadia, and she's vaccuuming outside of Tambor's suite in front of two guards. Cut to Sydney using a small drill to drill a hole in the wall that adjoins Tambor's suite. The loud vaccuuming is now revealed as cover for the sound of the drill. Vaughn: Evergreen, maintain position. We're almost there. Cut to Nadia, still vaccuuming in hallway. Cut back to Sydney, who finishes making the tiny hole in the wall. Sydney: Okay, I'm in. Cut back to Nadia in hallway. Vaughn (on comms): Evergreen, you're clear. Nadia bends down and turns off vaccuum. Cut back to the room as Sydney takes out a tiny fiberoptic line and starts inserting it into the hole. Sydney: I'm inserting camera now. Weiss: Ready for sound? Vaughn: Patching audiovisual feeds...now. Marshall: Copy that. A visual of the desk in Tambor's room appears on screen. There is a laptop on the desk. Cut to Marshall in front of a computer at APO. Jack and Sloane stand behind him, both on comms, monitoring the mission. Cut back to Vaughn. Vaughn: Okay, I've got a visual on Tambor. Cut to his computer screen as Tambor sits down at the desk and starts typing on his laptop. Cut to Nadia in front of a suite door as she uses the knocker. Nadia: Housekeeping. The elevator beside Nadia opens to reveal a pretty young woman wearing an expensive coat. A valet is walking beside her, carrying several shopping bags for her. Nadia watches as the woman enters a suite down the hall from where she's standing. Weiss opens the door. Weiss (joking): Oh, I'm sorry; I ordered a French maid... Nadia smiles and shoves the towels she's holding into Weiss's chest. Nadia (whispering): Here you go. Weiss steps aside and Nadia enters the room. Cut to Sydney. Sydney: The laptop's our priority. After that, we go for the PDA. Weiss: What's going on? I thought this guy hits the tables every night by nine? Sydney: That's what we know. Weiss: Yeah, well it's 9:06. Cut to the feed of Tambor as he closes the top to his laptop and gets up from the desk. Vaughn: Ooop, here we go. Cut to Tambor as he pours himself a drink. Cut to APO group watching the feed. Nadia: What's he doing? Cut to Tambor as he picks up a remote control and turns on the television set. Cut to reaction of mission crew, and then of Marshall, Jack, and Sloane. Marshall: That room...that's nice. Check out those digs! Marshall turns around and looks at Jack, who gives him a droll look. Cut back to Nadia and Sydney watching as Tambor crosses the room and sits down on the sofa in front of the television. Cut back to APO. Jack: Marshall, what soccer match is that? Marshall: Uh, uh, lemme, uh, sorry...I'm not much of a sports fan (searching listings on his computer)...more of a Scrabble club type...Boggle tournament if I'm feeling dangerous. "Slovak Devils vs. Club Lautrec" pops up on Marshall's screen. Sloane (over comms to all): Guys...Tambor owns the team. Cut to Nadia and Sydney's reaction to that news, and then Vaughn and Weiss. Weiss: He's kidding, right? Sydney: So he's in for the night. Vaughn: He checks out first thing in the morning. If we don't get him there tonight, get the data off that computer, we lose him. Cut to Nadia and Sydney, studying the computer screen of the feed from Tambor's room. Nadia: Wait a minute... Cut to the monitor as we see a bottle of perfume on a counter. Nadia: I hate that perfume. It has a weird Patchouli smell. Weiss looks at them, confused as to where they're going with their line of thinking. Sydney: You see under the bed, the slingbacks? Nadia (clearly following what Syd's talking about): Champagne bottles on the nightstand. Sydney: Check out the magazines. Nadia: Designer purse. Nadia and Sydney look at each other. Sydney: It's a shot. Vaughn (confused): What's a shot? Weiss (also confused): What're you talking about? Nadia (to Sydney): I know where to get what we need. Nadia turns and walks out. Weiss: Wait a minute...where's she going? Vaughn (to Sydney): You mind filling us in? Sydney: Tambor's got a girlfriend; she's staying with him. She's our way in. Cut to Sloane at APO. Sloane: We have no intel on that woman; you'll be going in blind, Sydney. Sydney: We know enough...She has gossip rags all over the room, which means she's fine making a mess, which means she's not a one-night stand. Her shoes cost more money than most people's monthly salary, so... Cut to Vaughn, giving a look to Weiss as if he can't believe that Sydney can tell all this from what she's seeing. Weiss looks equally stunned. Sydney: ...either she has money of her own or access to Tambor's. Either way...empty champagne bottles, her side of the bed... Cut to Marshall, listening in, very impressed. Sydney: ...this girl likes to party. Cut to Sloane, who is not as impressed. Cut back to feed and then to Sydney. Sydney: But her boyfriend would rather stay in and watch TV their last night in Monte Carlo than hang out with her, so she's bored...most likely pissed off. Cut to Jack at APO. Jack: How do you propose to find her? Cut back to Sydney. Sydney: Well, she left her handbag; she didn't go far. In fact, I'm guessing she's hitting the hotel bar right now. Cut to Vaughn's reaction; he's impressed and amused. Sydney: All Nadia and I need to do is get to her and get her to take us to the room...(to Vaughn) Why are you smiling? Vaughn (with a teasing smile): I dunno. (Note: Vaughn's facial expression here is almost exactly the same as his reaction in 2x22 when Sydney says they need to go undercover at the s*x club, and then she looks at him and says, "What?" and he goes, "Nothing..." Truly hilarious look.) Sydney smiles back. Cut to Nadia as she reenters the room with the shopping bags that the valet had been carrying earlier. Weiss: Where'd you get this stuff? Nadia: I borrowed them. Weiss: You stole it, didn't you? Weiss is smiling, also impressed. Weiss (to Vaughn, motioning toward Nadia): She stole the stuff... Vaughn has that silly grin back on his face again. Cut to Sloane. Sloane: Nadia, this could jeopardize the entire mission. Cut to Sydney and Nadia, looking over the items in the bags, trying to find something to wear, obviously determined to go on the mission regardless of Sloane's objections. Sloane: Tambor's security team saw you... if they recognize you as the maid, they will not hesitate to take action. Nadia: With all due respect, noone pays attention to the help. Weiss gives Vaughn another, "Huh, huh, see? My girl is awesome" look. Sydney and Nadia are still sorting through the clothes. Nadia: I promise they won't recognize me. Sydney holds up a red dress and gives Nadia a big smile. Cut to two pair of glamourous legs and then pan up the bodies as we witness Nadia in a blue dress and Sydney in the red dress, strutting the Bristow/Derevko strut into the bar in slomo. Cut to Nadia as she walks by a woman at the bar. She indicates to Sydney from behind the woman, Nadia (whispering): Patchouli. Sydney turns on her cellphone and begins to speak into it as Nadia sits down a the bar. Sydney sits next to her, and also next to the woman. Sydney (into cellphone): Wait a minute, wait a minute...What do you mean? (petulantly) Well, guess what? I'm sick of your pathetic excuses! She gives Nadia a "Can you believe him?" look as she hangs up the phone. Sydney: He's not coming. Nadia (coquettishly): You still have his charge card, right? Sydney: Oh, my Gawd... Sydney and Nadia smile a cattish smile at each other. Motioning to the bartender, Sydney says, Sydney: Two. Nadia: Please. Looking over at the woman as if Sydney has only just noticed she's there, she says, Sydney: Men suck, don't they? The woman looks Sydney over and then says with a small smile. Woman: Usually. Cut to an elevator door opening. Sydney's arm, still holding a champagne bottle wraps around the open door as the three women giggle drunkenly. Sydney: I swear to God I am so not that loopy. Nadia (giggling): Don't listen to her, she's incapable of holding her liquor. The three of them walk, or rather wobble, toward Tambor's suite, where the armed guards still stand. Sydney: Oh, shut. up! Nadia: Do I need to remind you of Ibiza? You and Luigi with the handcuffs!? Sydney (airheadedly): I'm ignoring you now... They all giggle. Woman: Just a warning...just a warning... my boyfriend? He's kind of a jerk... Sydney (scoffing): Like mine isn't... Nadia: Please... Nadia turns and smiles right at the guard who noticed the "maid" earlier. He shows no signs of recognizing her. Woman (to guard): Are you going to stand there!? Guard: I'm sorry, Miss Bridget. Bridget (giggling): They call me "Miss Bridget"... The three girls enter; Nadia gives the one guard a flirtatious smile as she walks by and he closes the door behind them. The guard lets out a long breath. Cut to Marshall in front of his computer. Marshall: Okay, they're doing it. They're in the room. He turns around to look at Jack and Sloane. Marshall: You know, Mr. Sloane, I know how against this you were, but...if Sydney chooses to say "I told you so..." you know... Sloane (with a dry look): She's not out yet. Marshall: That's true, but...They're good; they're really good. Off Sloane's less-than-pleased reaction, we, CUT TO BLACK Cut to Tambor, who looks over his shoulder as the three women enter. Bridget (to Tambor, who looks vaguely disgusted with her): Five minutes to change and then we are leaving...(to Nadia and Sydney) Make yourselves at home, ladies... Bridget leaves to change. Sydney goes to sit at the desk, Nadia sits on the sofa next to Tambor. Nadia: What's the score? Tambor: Devils 1, Lautrec 3. Nadia (scoffs): Slovak will come back. Cut to Sydney, who takes a device out and sets it on top of the laptop while she hides it from view with her purse and pretends to read a magazine. Nadia: Last year, against Real Madrid...Brasco's diving header in overtime? The best goal, ever. Tambor gives Nadia a sideways glance as if impressed that she actually knows something about soccer. Nadia: Bentner is a great midfielder...not too bad on the eyes, either. Tambor (disgusted): For what I'm paying him? (scoffs) Nadia turns toward him, looking confused. Nadia: Wh...what do you mean? Tambor: Is my team. Nadia (as if stunned and excited): Shut up! Shut up! You own the Slovak Devils!? Cut to Sydney, still copying hard drive and "reading" her magazine. Nadia (offscreen): Felicia, did you hear that!? Cut to Vaughn and Weiss, watching on the feed. Vaughn (impressed): She's cloning the hard drive, and he's in the room. Weiss (impressed): How the hell does she know about the Slovak Devils? Was that in the file? Vaughn: Maybe she's a soccer fan. Weiss: Oh God...this is the greatest girl ever. Cut to Sydney looking over her shoulder and then palming the copying device. Cut back to Vaughn and Weiss. Vaughn: She got it. I didn't know you liked soccer... Weiss: I do now. Oh, and by the way? It's called futball... Vaughn: I'm sorry? Weiss: Foooot ball. Vaughn: Futball? Weiss: Foooooooot. Vaughn (deadpan): Right. Weiss: Right. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut back to the room. Nadia: If I can be honest, the back four are solid, no question, but watching defensive footie is a little bit boring, really. Nadia palms Tambor's PDA out of his jacket. Tambor: Not to me, eh? Sydney walks over with the magazine in her hand, the copying machine still palmed in her hand. Nadia (to Tambor): It's your money... Sydney (showing Nadia the magazine): Donata...can you believe that hag is dating the prince of Greece? Nadia palms the PDA to Sydney. Sydney begins copying it. Nadia: Oh Gawd...doesn't she have any friends who can tell her she looks like trash? Tambor gives them a sideways glance and rolls his eyes. Cut to Vaughn and Weiss. Weiss: Wait, did you just see that? She just palmed the PDA from his jacket! That's magic, man. I showed her that with like a business card...you know, like "Fazsham!" Vaughn (rolling his eyes): No, no...I get it. Weiss: She's amazing! Vaughn (smiling and shaking his head): I get it. "Fazsham!?" Weiss: Yeah, "Fazsham"...She's incredible. Vaughn snorts back a laugh. Cut to Marshall's feed, showing Sydney copying Tambor's PDA. Marshall: Nice, they're doing it. They're cloning Tambor's PDA. She's good. Cut back to the room. Sydney indicates something on one of the magazine's pages. Sydney: Oh my God, those boots are horrific! Sydney hands the PDA back to Nadia. Nadia (looking mock offended): I own those, b****! Nadia slips the PDA back into position and gets ready to place it back on Tambor. Cut to Weiss and Vaughn. Weiss: It wouldn't be weird for you would it? If we were dating sisters? Vaughn just rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Cut to the TV screen as one team comes up the field with the ball. Nadia: Vega's lost his step since the knee surgery; you should replace him... Nadia goes in to re-pocket the PDA, but... the other team scores and Tambor jumps up in disgust. Tambor: Idiote! Nadia gives Sydney a worried glance over her shoulder, indicating she didn't get a chance to put the PDA back on Tambor. Sydney takes the copying machine and puts it inside her dress. Cut to Vaughn and Weiss. Vaughn: Nadia's still got his PDA...come on! Nadia gives Sydney another worried glance...and then Bridget reenters the room in a sparkling black dress. Bridget: Extraordinary. Sydney: Oh, my Gawd...! Nadia turns to admire the dress. Nadia: That dress is magnificent! Tambor feels around his pockets in a panic. Tambor: My PDA. Cut to Vaughn and Weiss. Weiss: Oh, God. Cut back to the room. Tambor: Anton! Search these two. The guards come into the room. Tambor: Search their bags. Nadia hands her bag to one man as the other goes to Sydney. Sydney: Oh, my God...You can't be serious! The other guard takes Sydney's handbag. Tambor (to Bridget): Where did you find them? Nadia, still with the PDA still palmed, goes back to the couch and pretends to "find" it there as Weiss and Vaughn look on nervously. She stands back up with a "What a total jerk!" look on her face and says snottily, Nadia: Is this what you're freaking out about? Nadia holds it out to Tambor as he crosses the room and she deposits it none too gently into his hand. Bridget (gently): You better go now. Sydney (scoffs): Yah...you think? She and Nadia share nervously disgusted looks. Sydney: You were right; your boyfriend is a total drag. Come on. Cut to Jack and Sloane, and then back to the two women as they exit Tambor's suite. The door closes and then they walk down the hallway with huge grins on their faces. LOS ANGEL(E)S Cut to establishing daytime shot of LA via helicopter. Cut to Sloane's office at APO. Sloane: You were given a direct order, one you chose to disregard. Nadia: We gathered the necessary intelligence. Sloane: That's not the point, Nadia. You report directly to me. I assessed the risks and determined they were too great, and still...you both chose to defy orders. Sydney (flippant): We did what we were tasked to do; end of story. Sydney turns around and starts to walk out of the office. Sloane: I should remind you... Sydney stops and reluctantly turns back. Sloane:...you report to me. Sydney looks offended by his tone; Nadia looks chastened. Nadia: You're right; we disregarded a direct order. It won't happen again. Sloane: Just so we don't have these misunderstandings again, let me be clear...to both of you: Questioning my authority, whether its in this office or in the field is unacceptable. Sydney (riled): Unacceptable...coming from you, that's almost funny. Nadia (wanting to keep peace): Sydney, please... Sydney (slowly walking toward Sloane until she's standing right in front of him): Do you really want to engage in a conversation about what is...and what is not...acceptable? Every day I work here, I see your face in briefings, I hear your voice in my ear during missions; you wanna know what that's like? It makes me sick to my stomach. Having to pretend the past never happened, that you're not the same... murderous, criminal sociopath you were three years ago...It makes me want to retch. Nadia looks away in discomfort. Sydney: If you want to talk unacceptable...that is unacceptable. Sloane: I'd assumed that you had accepted the fact that I'd made amends for my past. Sydney: Amends!? Francie and Danny are gone...and yet, here you are. And everywhere I look, I'm reminded of the man who killed them. Sloane: I see. Nadia looks up at them, pained, just as Marshall bursts in. Marshall (unaware of the tension in the room): Hey, uh, Tambor's encryption program? I broke it... kinda, brilliant on my part, but then again, the data itself was coded, so I had to cross-reference it with... Sloane: Marshall, what is it? Marshall: Well, it looks like the sale of Black Thorine? It's going down in 16 hours. Sloane: We'll be right there. Marshall: Okay, hurry! Marshall runs back out of the office and down the hallway. Nadia gives both Sydney and Sloane a pained glance and walks out. Sydney looks back at Sloane with an accusatory staredown before turning and walking out, leaving Sloane to stare after her in thought. CUT TO BLACK Cut to daytime establishing shot of LA. Cut to the briefing room at APO. Jack: The situation is critical. Tambor is selling the Black Thorine aboard his yacht, the ARGENTA. We have less than 16 hours to get on that boat and retrieve the stolen vial. Sloane: According to Harbormaster records, the Argenta is sailing in the Black Sea in the protected waters off Turkey, which means we have no choice but to go in stealth without the cover of night. Vaughn: Do we know who the buyer is? Jack: No, but we do have an idea of where the Black Thorine is being stored: here, in a cabin below deck. Marshall. Marshall: Okay. Here is the schematic of the vault you'll be dealing with: its secured, built into the bulkhead, old school, so... whoever is going in is going to need...these. Uh, your basic safe-cracking tools. Dixon: Sounds simple. Marshall: Not quite. Now, I found some receipts on Tambor's hard drive. Turns out he bought a Condor TLC60 free-standing safe last month. Now, I did some measurements and, oddly enough, it fits perfectly within the vault, so...I think it's safe to assume Tambor...has a safe within a safe. Nadia: He's certainly paranoid enough. Vaughn: How do we crack it? Marshall: The Condor uses a time-synchronized lock. It randomizes the combination every 60 seconds. Now, the combination appears on a key card with and LCD screen. Now, you can assume that Tambor will have it on him, sooooo...you gonna need this. This is a handheld wireless monitor, and this right... Marshall opens what appears to be a small ring box and turns to Jack. Marshall: ...Will you marry me, Mr. Bristow? (snickers) Jack looks at Sloane as if to say, "Is this guy cracked?" and then looks back at Marshall with the same expression, which flusters Marshall, who thought it was a funny joke. Marshall (swallows): It's a wave millimeter camera; it'll allow you to read the combination through his clothing...assuming he's not wearing a lead girdle...doubtful, but you understand...my point. Sloane: There's a jet standing by. This is a high-risk mission; no backup. Vaughn, Dixon, this is your op. I'm sending you to the ship. Sydney: If you don't mind, I'd like to finish what I started. Nadia: So would I. Sloane looks at Jack and says nothing. Cut to Jack and Sloane arguing in Sloane's office. Jack: They are the two best divers! Sloane: For me to send them after the way they behaved in Monte Carlo, not to mention the way Sydney just behaved in my office, would be tantamount to rewarding them for insubordination. I thought I would have your support on this. Jack(pauses, then): Arvin, the nuances of fatherhood may elude me, but...there is one thing I am sure of: You are not going to forge any kind of bond with Nadia if you attempt to keep her from working with her sister. Close in on Sloane's pensive look. (T)HE BLACK SEA Cut to establishing shot of the yacht, anchored out to sea. Cut to a cirlcing view of the yacht so that we can see it's being guarded with armed men. Cut to Tambor in a room with a number of guests. Tambor: I told him, "If you don't win us next game, you're going to suffer a painful training injury, eh?" Other men in the room laugh. The man across the room, paunchy, greying hair in his 50s with glasses smokes on a cigar and smiles. Bridget: Is that why you doubled his salary? Tambor smiles nervously, wishing Bridget had kept her mouth shut; he's obviously trying to impress these men. Cut to another view of the boat with a guard on the high deck. There is a rope up the side of the ship, with two people climbing up the rope. Cut to Marshall at APO. Sydney (over comms): Phoenix to base: We're on deck. Sloane: Proceed with caution. Sydney: Copy that. We're moving in. Cut to Sydney and Nadia on deck, surreptitously hiding their scuba gear, leaving their suits on. Cut to a van, sitting on the end of a pier. Cut to Dixon and Vaughn inside. Sydney (over comms): We're going below deck. We'll be radio silent until we reach the safe. Vaughn: Roger that. Cut to Sydney and Nadia entering the safe room. Nadia removes a painting from the wall to reveal the wall safe. Sydney surreptitiously sticks the card reader to the window in the door that leads to where Tambor is while Nadia prepares to open the outside safe. Sydney turns on her portable monitor and sees what's going on in the room; so can Vaughn. Vaughn: Phoenix, we've got a visual. Sydney: Copy that; switching to millimeter wave. Vaughn (to Dixon): Freeze it there; save it. Dixon: Standing by...enhancing the image. Cut to the room with Tambor and his guests. The man with the cigar blows a smoke ring. Man: I always believe in pleasure before business. But, that being said... Cut to APO office. Sloane is watching the feed on Marshall's computer. Sloane: Marshall, rewind the feed. Marshall begins to reset the feed as Jack asks, Jack: Is there a problem? The screen focuses in on a profile of the man with the cigar. Sloane: Marshall, pull up everything we have about Leo Orissa. Marshall (typing): Leo...Orissa...all right. An Interpol photo and description pops up. Sloane stares at the photograph as if he knows the man. Tambor: Anton, get the man what he came for, huh? Tambor hands the key card to his henchman. Orissa: If you don't mind, I would like to first for my chemist to conduct a little test, eh? Tambor: A precaution. Orissa nods indulgently. Cut to Nadia, who has just cracked the outside safe. Nadia flips open a case and then says, Nadia: Ready. Dixon: Copy that. Scanning Tambor for the latest combination. We see Dixon's scan, and the results. Dixon: The code is: 42687. Nadia types in the numbers and then opens the safe. We see several large canisters inside, not a tiny vial, like had been reported. Nadia: Oh my God...we need a bigger case. Cut back to Tambor, who indulgently waves at the man's "Chemist", who stands. One of Tambor's guards starts to walk him toward the safe room. Sydney: Close it up...now! Nadia scrambles to lock the safes and they rush out into the hallway. The guard walks in with the chemist and takes the picture frame holding the safe on the wall. Nadia and Sydney watch from a crack in the door as the guard starts to open the safes. Cut back to Tambor and the man. Tambor: So, you never told me...what do plan to do with your purchase? Orissa (smiling): It is interesting, actually...(pauses) We plan on taking control of your entire organization. Tambor (looks frightened for a moment, then starts to laugh): This guy... (he motions toward Bridget; she doesn't look happy) Cut back to APO. Marshall: You know this guy? Sloane: He's an old friend. Marshall: Badass friend. Cut back to Orissa, still chuckling at the supposed joke. Tambor starts to sober, realizing suddenly that Orissa is not kidding. Cut to Bridget, standing at the drink cart, who suddenly pulls a handgun and aims it at Tambor. Tambor moves just in time, running down the narrow hallway with Bridget and Orissa in pursuit. Orissa pulls a gun also, but also misses. In the safe room, the "chemist" pulls a gun and shoots the guard dead while Sydney and Nadia watch in horror. A gunfight ensues in the room where Tambor just fled and Orissa's henchmen take out the rest of Tambor's. As soon as the chemist leaves and goes into the other room, Sydney and Nadia flee back up topside. They narrowly beat Orissa and Bridget to topdeck, grab their gear and jump overboard. Tambor comes up one side of the topdeck, Bridget and Orissa the other. They corner Tambor at the front of the boat. Bridget (gun pointed at him): You don't treat a girlfriend like that... We hear a shot and then a splash as we watch from underwater as the body of Tambor sinks past where Sydney and Nadia are hiding. Back at APO, Sloane waits impatiently for word from Sydney and Nadia as Marshall chews his thumb nervously. Sloane: Phoenix, Evergreen, do you copy? Cut to a very concerned Vaughn and Dixon in the surveillance van. Sloane (voiceover): I repeat...do you copy? All they hear is static. Cut to one of Orissa's henchmen opening the interior safe that holds the canisters of Black Thorine. He starts loading them into a protective metal briefcase. Sydney and Nadia finally surface, well away from the boat, pulling themselves onto a dock. Sydney: Phoenix to base: Tambor and his men are dead. Ambushed. Sloane: ...by Leo Orissa, head of the Russian Organized Crime Syndicate. I used to work with him...when I was head of SD-6. Sydney and Nadia glance at each other in recognition. Sydney: He has a link on the inside; the girlfriend fed him everything he needed. Jack: They're in possession of the vial? Nadia: A lot more than that. At least ten canisters. Marshall: Tambor must have reverse-engineered it. Jack: Which means they're manufacturing it. Tambor has a lab somewhere. Sydney: Orissa must know where it is. Sloane: Orissa's associates are most likely securing the Black Thorine for transport. Nadia, can you take them out alone? Nadia: I think so. Sloane: Given my history with Orissa, I believe he'll be willing to talk. Sydney: How? Sloane: Sydney, in order for this to work, you're going to have to listen to me. You're going to have to trust me. Sydney gives Nadia a stricken look. CUT TO BLACK Cut to Tambor's boat, still anchored. It's now close to sunset. Sydney starts to climb the stairs to the topdeck in slomo, still in her wetsuit. She steps onto the deck and walks slowly toward Orissa and Bridget, who are lounging. Sydney (to Bridget): Hello again. Orissa sits up suddenly while Bridget grabs her gun and points it at Sydney. Sydney: My employer won't be happy if you pull that trigger. Orissa: Your employer!? Who the hell do you work for? Cut to APO and Sloane. Sloane: Tell him. Cut back to Sydney. Sydney: I work for Arvin Sloane. Orissa stands slowly and puts a hand on Bridget's arm to signal her to put the gun down. Bridget looks between them, confused. Cut to the henchman who is carrying the Black Thorine below deck. Suddenly, Nadia whacks him on the side of the head with a fire extinguisher. She grabs the two suitcases he was carrying and runs down the hallway. Cut back to the topdeck, where Orissa is irritably tying the sash of his terrycloth robe. Orissa: He's demanding 50 percent!? Sydney: Including all future profits from this venture. Orissa: Arvin always had a...an odd sense of humor. Cut to Sloane at APO, listening. Sydney: I came unarmed, out of respect...so we could talk...like gentlemen. Bridget: You're not seriously considering making a deal with this woman!? Sloane: Do not let her derail this, Sydney. Sydney (to Bridget): I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you. You're the one who made it easy; you practically drew us a map! Orissa turns on Bridget. Orissa: You!? You let Sloane to me!? Bridget: I thought she was just some kind of... Orissa smacks Bridget hard across the face. Cut to another henchman unloading more Black Thorine. He is kicked from behind by Nadia and then she grabs his head, slams it against the ledge of the safe wall, and then clangs it into the metal safe door, knocking him out. She stands in front of the safe, still full of canisters. Cut back to topside. Orissa: Fine. I agree to his terms. Incensed, Bridget stands back up beside him. Sloane: Ask for insurance. Sydney: Mr. Sloane will be pleased. Of course, he needs a sign of good faith. Orissa (shaking his head as if he can't believe it): What more does he want? Sydney: The location of the lab. Cut to Nadia starting to load the canisters when someone appears behind her, holding a gun to her head. It's the "chemist". Chemist: Don't move. Nadia pauses but a millisecond before turning and knocking the gun from his hand. A fight ensues, but the chemist gets the upper hand and holds Nadia by the neck. Cut to APO office and Sloane as he talks. Sloane: Mention my friend Dr. Haleb...what I did to him, after he betrayed me. Cut to Sydney. Sydney: I assume you haven't forgotten Dr. Haleb...what Sloane did to him? Sloane (narrating to Sydney via commlink): The sound of his own screaming woke him up. Cut to Vaughn and Dixon in the van, listening, disturbed. Sloane: He saw everything burning around him, including his own flesh. Sydney (to Orissa): The fire...the smell of his own flesh burning, the screams... Sloane: I imagine he spends his days...nights...wishing I had finished the job. Wishing that he were dead. Sydney (to Orissa): His body doesn't work, but his mind does. He's a living corpse. Sloane didn't show enough mercy to kill him. Cut back to Nadia and the chemist, fighting again. Nadia lands a punch and then viciously kicks him in the face, knocking him out. Cut back to Sydney. Sydney: Let me tell you something I know: Arvin Sloane is cruel. Cut to Sloane's reaction as he listens to what Sydney says about him. Cut back to Sydney. Sydney: He's inhuman. If you make this difficult, he will come after you. And not just you. Cut to Vaughn and Dixon, listening. Cut back to Sydney. Sydney: Your friends will not be spared. Your family will not be spared. If he chooses to let you live, you'll spend every waking minute of your life reminded of what he's cost you. Cut to Sloane's reaction and then back to Sydney. Sydney: Word to the wise: give him what he wants. Cut to Marshall's stunned reaction and then he slowly peeks over his shoulder to guage Sloane's reaction. Jack studies Sloane, but Sloane's face is unreadable. Cut back to Orissa. We can see that Sydney's speech has sufficiently scared him. Orissa: The lab...it's in the Ukraine. Mygnyzky. Bridget: You son of a b****! Bridget grabs the handgun and fires a bullet into Orissa's forehead from point blank range, killing him. Sydney kicks the gun out of Bridget's hand and they fight. After trading a few blows, Bridget charges Sydney and they go rolling off the topdeck onto the main deck. Sydney is slow to get up and Bridget kicks her in the face. Then she grabs a rope and starts to strangle Sydney with it. At that moment, Nadia comes running and kicks Bridget in the back, forcing her to lose her grip on Sydney. Nadia elbows Bridget in the face twice and then runs her face into the side of the ship, knocking her down. Bridget crawls over toward her gun, Sydney reaches for a gun beside her...and Sydney shoots first, before Bridget can shoot them. Cut to the surveillance van with Vaughn and Dixon inside. Sydney (over comms): Phoenix to base: We're ready for pickup. Vaughn (heaving a sigh of relief): You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. Dixon: I'll call the chopper. Cut back to APO. Sloane is just walking away from the monitor and pulling his comm from his ear. Jack: Arvin. You did what you had to do. Sloane: Yes...although I imagine it's the last time I'll be working with your daughter. Sloane walks away, leaving Jack to stare after him. CUT TO BLACK Cut back to the yacht. Cut to Sydney, sitting on deck where they finished their fight with Bridget. Nadia walks up and sits down, carrying a bottle of what looks like vodka. Nadia hands it to Sydney, who smiles and takes it from her. Nadia sits down next to her as Sydney takes a drink. She hands the bottle to Nadia, who also takes a drink. Sydney: You did a good job. Nadia: I was gonna say the same thing to you. They share a smile. Nadia: I never imagined this. I didn't even know spies were real until I was recruited. Sydney: From school? Nadia (shaking her head): From a juvenile detention home. When I was young, I was reckless...angry. I remember one judge said he thought I was lost. He wasn't wrong. My training agent used to tell me I was good at getting in and out of situations without being noticed. Not to mention I had no one: no family, no ties...I couldn't be compromised because I was alone. I always thought that's what made me a good spy. Sydney: And now? Nadia (smiling): I might have been wrong. They share a smile and pass the bottle again. Cut to daytime establishing shot of LA skyline. Cut to Weiss sitting on the edge of Nadia's desk doing a card trick for her. Weiss (slowly flipping through the deck): Just say stop anywhere... Nadia: Okay, stop! Weiss stops and pulls a card from the deck at that spot. Weiss: Okay...is that your card? Nadia: Nnnnoooo... Weiss: This wasn't your card... (holding up ten of hearts) Nadia: It is not. Weiss: Are you sure? Nadia: It's not at all my card. Weiss: Okay...I think you're lying but...hold onto that... Weiss hands Nadia the card face down. Weiss: You sure!? Nadia: Mmmhmm. Weiss: Well, that's never happened... Nadia: Sorry... Weiss: Hold on...hold on one second...what was your card? Nadia: Queen of spades. Weiss: The queen of spades? You said that wasn't your card. Weiss motions toward the card Nadia's holding in her hand. Nadia: It is not... She flips the card over...and it is indeed the Queen of Spades. Nadia: How did you do that!? This is incredible! Weiss: It's not incredible, it's child's play...I've got a million of 'em. Nadia smiles joyously. Weiss: Your smile is so unbelievable... Nadia smiles even wider as Vaughn walks up. Vaughn: You going? Weiss: Uh, yeah we're going. We're just flirting here, if you don't mind. Vaughn (smiling): Sorry. Cut to Sydney, stalking toward Sloane's office. She stands in front of him. Sloane: Langley is pleased. They located the production facility for Black Thorine. The raid was successful. Sydney: I'm happy to hear it. Sloane: So Sydney, I contacted Chase...She's expecting a call from you regarding a transfer from this unit. Given your sentiments, I assume that's what you want. Sydney (leaning over the desk to make eye contact with Sloane): I want to make something clear: I will never forgive you for what you've done to me...to the people I love. No amount of time or distance will ever change that. (pause as she stands straight again) I'll see you tomorrow. She turns and walks out of the room, down the hallway to meet up with Vaughn, Weiss and Nadia as Sloane watches. From behind his hands, which are clasped together in front of his mouth as he leans on his elbows, it almost looks as if he's smiling. CUT TO BLACK

Sydney expresses her full hatred for Sloane during a mission to intercept a cache of an extremely powerful explosive called Black Thorine.

fd_Doctor_Who_07x01

fd_Doctor_Who_07x01_0

EXT. PLANET As we pan across a post-apocalyptic landscape of destroyed and corroded buildings, we hear a WOMAN'S voice-over. One of the buildings is shaped like a Dalek. WOMAN: (V.O.) First there were the Daleks... And then there was a man who fought them. And then, in time, he died. We zoom in through the eyestalk. INT. BUILDING We see someone walking through the halls, a fire burning behind them. WOMAN: (V.O.) There are a few, of course, who believe this man somehow survived...and that one day he will return. For both our sakes, dearest Hannah, we must hope these stories are true. There is a silhouette on the wall and we see it is the DOCTOR. The WOMAN is wearing a hooded cloak and turns from the window as she hears his approach. DOCTOR: I got your message. Not many people can do that, send me messages. WOMAN: I have a daughter. Hannah. She's in a Dalek prison camp. They say you can help. DOCTOR: Do they? I wish they'd stop. (walks to window) Helluva choice of meeting place. WOMAN: They said I'd have to intrigue you. DOCTOR: Skaro. The original planet of the Daleks. Look at the state of it. (turns to WOMAN) Who told you about me? WOMAN: Does it matter? DOCTOR: (walks towards WOMAN) Maybe not. (pulls off her hood) But you're very well informed. (walks away from her) If Hannah's in a Dalek prison camp, tell me, why aren't you? WOMAN: I escaped. DOCTOR: (mirthless chuckle) No, nobody escapes the Dalek camps. (grips her hand) You're very cold. (puts a hand to her cheek then nervously looks around) WOMAN: What's wrong? DOCTOR: It's a trap. WOMAN: What is? DOCTOR: You are and you don't even know it. The DOCTOR backs away from the WOMAN. The WOMAN'S head jerks and a Dalek eyestalk sprouts from her forehead. She raises her right hand and a Dalek gun extends from her palm. She fires at the DOCTOR and he falls backward with a cry. The WOMAN walks away and through the window we see a Dalek ship. DALEK: The Doctor is acquired. INT. PHOTO SHOOT, DAY AMY is all glammed up with hair frizzed and wild. On one hand she has written "HATE" and "LOVE" on the other. She then changes to a tight tunic/dress over tights with boots and a leather jacket. A PA comes into the room and waves for her attention. She stops the shoot. AMY: I'll just be a minute. She slides down the bannister and walks over to the PA. PA: Er... your husband is here. AMY: I don't have a husband. PA: Well, apparently you still do. AMY strides down the hall and enters the room at the end. INT. MAKEUP ROOM, DAY RORY is sitting in one of the chairs. RORY: (holds up papers) You have to sign these. AMY: (walks over and takes papers) And then we're not married? RORY: Just like magic. AMY: (signs papers) Can't chat. Working. RORY: (takes papers) Really? Thought you were just pouting at a camera. (stands and makes for the door) AMY: Rory... RORY dodges the MAKEUP GIRL as she comes in. AMY watches him leave. Unseen, the lights on one of the makeup mirrors flickers. MAKEUP GIRL: Sorry, love, was I interrupting? Gosh look at you, you've gone so pale. Come on take a seat, we'll soon sort that out. The MAKEUP GIRL'S head drops to her chest suddenly. AMY turns around in time to see an eyestalk come from her head. DALEK: Amelia Pond is acquired. INT. BUS, DAY The doors slide open with a hiss and RORY climbs on. RORY: Cheers. RORY takes a seat on the empty bus and looks down at the signed papers with a shake of his head. He hears a squelching sound and looks up to see an eyestalk reflected in the rearview mirror. DALEK: Rory Williams is acquired. A bright light flashes through the bus. INT. ROOM RORY comes to lying on the floor in a white room. He sits with a start and AMY is already there, standing, arms crossed. RORY: Where are we? AMY jerks her head and RORY gets up and runs to the only window. Outside are a number of Dalek spaceships. RORY: So how much trouble are we in? A door opens and a Dalek enters the room. DOCTOR: How much trouble, Mr Pond? (follows Dalek) Out of ten? Eleven. The ceiling opens in a circular pattern and the floor rises. INT. PARLIAMENT They find themselves in an auditorium surrounded by thousands of Daleks of different Marks and versions. On a pedestal to one side, a Dalek is out of his case. He is the PRIME MINISTER. AMY: Where are we? Spaceship, right? DOCTOR: Not just any spaceship. The Parliament of the Daleks. Be brave. AMY: What do we do? DOCTOR: Make them remember you. Well come on then. You've got me! What are you waiting for? At long last, it's Christmas! (holds out arms) Here I am! (closes his eyes) PRIME MINISTER: Save us. The DOCTOR cracks open one eye. PRIME MINISTER: You will save us. DOCTOR: (opens eyes, drops arms and turns) I'll what? PRIME MINISTER: You will save the Daleks. DALEKS: Save the Daleks! Save the Daleks! Save the Daleks! Save the Daleks! Save the Daleks! Save the Daleks! DOCTOR: Well, this is new. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith [SCENE_BREAK] Karen Gillan [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur Darvill "Asylum of the Daleks" By Steven Moffat PRODUCER Marcus Wilson DIRECTOR Nick Hurran [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING QUARTERS :[/b] Habernera" from Carmen plays as a YOUNG WOMAN describes her day. YOUNG WOMAN: (V.O.) Day 363. The terror continues. (nails boards over door) Also, made another souffl . Very nearly. (throws out burned and sunken souffl ) Checked defences. (some boards are down) They came again last night. It's still always at night. Maybe they're vampires. The YOUNG WOMAN swings in a hammock and speaks into a Dictaphone. YOUNG WOMAN: Oh, and it's my Mum's birthday. Happy birthday, Mum. I did make you a souffl , but it was too beautiful to live. There is a loud banging from outside. DALEK: You will let us enter! We will enter! We are the Daleks, you will let us enter! Enter! ENTER! ENTER! The YOUNG WOMAN turns up the music as it becomes the :[/b] Toreador Song". She then puts her hands over her ears. INT. PARLIAMENT The DOCTOR paces and the Daleks swivel their eyestalks to watch him. RORY: What's he doing? AMY: He's chosen the most defendable area in the room, counted all the Daleks, counted all the exits and now he's calculating the exact distance we're standing apart and starting to worry. Oh, and look at him frowning now. Something's wrong with Amy and Rory, and who's going to fix it? And he straightens his bow tie! DALEK SUPREME: We have arrived. DOCTOR: Arrived where? PRIME MINISTER: Doctor... WOMAN: The Prime Minister will speak with you now. The DOCTOR walks towards the PRIME MINISTER but stops when he is even with the WOMAN. DOCTOR: (hushed) Do you remember who you were, before they emptied you out and turned you into their puppet? WOMAN: My memories are only re-activated if they are required to facilitate deep cover or disguise. DOCTOR: You had a daughter. WOMAN: I know. I've read my file. The WOMAN motions with her hand for him to continue on to the PRIME MINISTER. After a slight hesitation, the DOCTOR walks up the ramp to stand in front of the PRIME MINISTER. DOCTOR: Well? PRIME MINISTER: What do you know of the Dalek Asylum? DOCTOR: According to legend, you have a dumping ground. A planet where you lock up all the Daleks that go wrong. The battle-scarred, the insane. The ones even you can't control. Which never made any sense to me... (turns away) PRIME MINISTER: Why not? DOCTOR: Because you'd just kill them. PRIME MINISTER: It is offensive to us to extinguish such divine hatred. DOCTOR: (turns back) Offensive? PRIME MINISTER: Does it surprise you to know the Daleks have a concept of beauty? DOCTOR: (bends over to be face-to-face) I thought you'd run out of ways to make me sick, but hello again. You think hatred is beautiful? (walks away) PRIME MINISTER: Perhaps that is why we have never been able to kill you. The DOCTOR stops at this comment. The floor underneath AMY and RORY opens to show a view of the planet below them. RORY and AMY peer at the planet from a distance. The DOCTOR joins them, followed by the woman. WOMAN: The Asylum. It occupies the entire planet. Right to the core. DOCTOR: How many Daleks are in there? WOMAN: A count has not been made. Millions, certainly. DOCTOR: All still alive? WOMAN: It has to be assumed. The Asylum is fully automated - supervision is not required. AMY: Armed? WOMAN: The Daleks are always armed. RORY: What colour? (they look at him) Sorry. There weren't any good questions left. WOMAN: This signal is being received from the very heart of the Asylum. The :[/b] Habernera" from Carmen comes over the speakers. The DOCTOR acts like he is in there with the music. DALEK SUPREME: What is the noise? Explain! Explain! DOCTOR: It's me. RORY: Sorry what?! DOCTOR: It's me. Playing the triangle. OK, I got buried in the mix. Carmen! Lovely show. Someone's transmitting this. (uses sonic on transmitter) Have you considered tracking back the signal and talking to them? He asked the Daleks... CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING QUARTERS DOCTOR: Hello? Hello, Carmen? Hello? YOUNG WOMAN: Hello? DOCTOR: Come in, come in, come in, Carmen. YOUNG WOMAN: (rushes over to chair and keyboard) Hello, yes, yes, sorry, do you read me?! DOCTOR: Yes, reading you loud and clear. Identify yourself and report your status. YOUNG WOMAN: Hello! Are you real? Are you actually, properly real? DOCTOR: Yep, confirmed, actually properly real. YOUNG WOMAN: Oswin Oswald, Junior Entertainment Manager, Starship Alaska. Current status - crashed and shipwrecked somewhere... not nice. Been here a year, rest of the crew missing. Provisions good, but keen to move on. DOCTOR: A year? Are you OK? Are you...under attack? OSWIN: Some local life-forms, I've been keeping them out. DOCTOR: Do you know what those life-forms are? OSWIN: I know a Dalek when I hear one, yeah. DOCTOR: What have been doing, on your own, against the Daleks for a year?! OSWIN: Making souffl s. DOCTOR: Souffl s?! Against the Daleks? Where do you get the milk? DALEK SUPREME: This conversation is irrelevant. DOCTOR: No, it isn't! OSWIN: (fiddles with controls) No, hello... hello! DOCTOR: Because a Starliner's crashed into your Asylum, and someone's got in. And if someone can get in, then everything can get out... a tsunami of insane Daleks. Even you don't want that. DALEK SUPREME: The Asylum must be cleansed. DOCTOR: Then why is it still here? You've got enough firepower on this ship, to blast it out of the sky. WOMAN: The Asylum force-field is impenetrable. DOCTOR: Turn it off. WOMAN: It can only be turned off from within the Asylum. DOCTOR: A small task force could sneak through a force-field (heads down ramp) send in a couple of Daleks. (stops) Oh! (applauds) Oh, that's good. That's brilliant. You're all too scared to go down there! Not one of you will go! So tell me - what do the Daleks do when they're too scared? DALEK SUPREME: The Predator of the Daleks will be deployed. DOCTOR: You don't have a predator. And even if you did, why would they turn off a force-field for you? PRIME MINISTER: Because you will have no other means of escape. WOMAN: May I clarify... The Predator is the Daleks' word for you. DOCTOR: Me?! Me?! WOMAN: You will need this. It will protect you from the Nano-cloud. Two male Dalek "puppets" arrive and snap a band on the DOCTOR'S right wrist. A blue light turns on when it is in place. DOCTOR: The what? The nano-what? The two men take the DOCTOR by the arms and pull him back down to where RORY and AMY are standing. WOMAN: The gravity beam will convey you close to the source of the transmission. You must find a way to deactivate the force-field from there. A bright beam of light rushes up through the floor. DOCTOR: You're going to fire me at a planet? That's your plan? I get fired at a planet and expected to fix it? RORY: In fairness, that is slightly your MO. DOCTOR: Don't be fair to the Daleks when they're firing me at a planet! What do you want with them?! Bands are placed on AMY and RORY'S wrists as well DALEK SUPREME: It is known that the Doctor requires companions. RORY: Oh, Brilliant. Good-oh! DOCTOR: (whispers) Don't worry, we'll get through this I promise. Don't be scared. AMY: Scared? Who's scared? Geronimo. The DOCTOR chuckles as one of the men pushes him into the beam. DOCTOR: Oi! AMY and RORY are pushed in after him. INT. GRAVITY BEAM The three of them fall, RORY is upside-down. RORY: Wrong way up! Wrong way up! AMY: RORY! EXT. PLANET SURFACE The three of them fall to the surface in different areas of the snow-covered planet. A MAN working on a surface hatch looks up and sees them fall. He drops his tool and runs until he finds AMY lying on her back on the ground. AMY slowly opens her eyes. MAN: Hello? Hello, who are you? Are you OK? AMY scoots away from the MAN before standing and looking around. AMY: Rory? Doctor?! MAN: I'm Harvey. No... (AMY walks off) Who's Rory? Where are you going?! (follows) In another area, a periscope pops out from the snow. It swivels before retracting. It then pops up a few feet away from its original location. It repeats the process again until we see what it has found: the DOCTOR lying on his back on the ground. He lifts his head and laughs. He then spots the periscope. DOCTOR: Hey! Huh? "Habernera" from Carmen plays over the speakers. OSWIN: (over speaker) Sorry, sorry! Pressed the wrong switch. DOCTOR: Souffl girl? CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING QUARTERS OSWIN is sitting in her chair, keyboard on her lap. She watches the DOCTOR through the periscope. OSWIN: Could always call me Oswin, seeing as that's my name. You OK? DOCTOR: How are you doing that? (taps glass) This is Dalek technology. OSWIN: Well it's very easy to hack. DOCTOR: (uses sonic) No, it isn't. Where are you? OSWIN: Ship broke up when it hit. Somewhere underground, I think. You coming to get me? AMY: Doctor! DOCTOR: Hey! (starts to lose connection) Oi! souffl girl! Come back. OSWIN tries to regain the connection. AMY: Doctor! DOCTOR: (turns around) Amy! The DOCTOR helps AMY regain her footing as she comes down the snowy slope. He sees HARVEY. DOCTOR: Where's Rory? HARVEY: There was another beam. (points) There, over there. AMY and the DOCTOR run in the direction HARVEY is pointing. HARVEY: Are you the rescue team?! (follows) INT. LIVING QUARTERS OSWIN tries to get the communications working again. OSWIN: Hello! EXT. PLANET SURFACE The DOCTOR, AMY and HARVEY reach a perfectly round hole in the ground that looks like a well. AMY and the DOCTOR kneel. AMY: (echoes) Rory? Rory?! RORY! We zoom down the well. INT. ASYLUM: RORY is lying face-down on the floor and wakes only when water drips on him and he wipes it off. He jumps to his feet when he sees he is in a room filled with Daleks. These Daleks are not moving and the casings are covered in dust. RORY slowly approaches one, and cautiously reaches out to touch it, jerking back quickly. The Dalek does not react. RORY then pushes it away. The Dalek rolls backwards. RORY shrugs before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a torch. He starts to explore. EXT. PLANET SURFACE HARVEY takes the DOCTOR and AMY back to the hatch. HARVEY: We came down two days ago. There is 12 other escape pods. I don't know what happened to them. As HARVEY opens the hatch, AMY wipes away some of the snow surrounding it and sees the name of the ship. AMY: Alaska? That's the same ship as souffl girl. DOCTOR: Yes... Except she's been here a year. INT. ESCAPE POD HARVEY climbs down the ladder into the pod followed by AMY and the DOCTOR. HARVEY: We should have some climbing rope long enough for that hole. (goes to locker) There are suited crew-members sitting in the chairs but don't react at their entrance. DOCTOR: Won't you introduce us to your crew? HARVEY: Ah yeah, sorry. Guys, this is the Doctor and Amy. The DOCTOR salutes but there is no reaction from the crew. HARVEY: Guys? The DOCTOR pats the shoulder of the crew member closest to him and reveals a dried-out, mummified corpse. HARVEY: Oh, my God! The DOCTOR takes out the sonic and scans the bodies. DOCTOR: They're dead. All of them. HARVEY: That's not possible. I just spoke to them. Two hours ago, we were doing engine repairs! DOCTOR: (pulls back the hood from another body) You're sure about that, are you? Cos I'd say they've all been dead for a very long time. HARVEY: But...but they can't have been... AMY: Well, they didn't get in that state in two hours. HARVEY: Oh, of course! Stupid me. AMY: Of course, what? HARVEY: I died outside and the cold preserved my body. I forgot about dying. An eyestalk grows out of his forehead and he advances on the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR grabs a fire extinguisher and fires it on HARVEY. DOCTOR: Amy! The door! AMY pushes the button to open a door and the DOCTOR forces HARVEY through it. They lock him away. AMY: Explain! That's what you're good at. How did he get all Daleked? DOCTOR: Because he wasn't wearing one of these. (holds up wrist) Oh-hoho! That's clever! The nano-cloud. Micro-organisms that automatically process any organic matter, living or dead, into a Dalek puppet. (pats one of the bodies on the skull) Anything attacks this place, it automatically becomes part of the on-site security. AMY: Living or dead? DOCTOR: These wrist-bands protect us. The only thing stopping us going exactly... AMY: Doctor, SHUT up! Living or dead?! DOCTOR: Yes, exactly, living, or, or... The bodies of the crew members now have eyestalks coming from their foreheads. They slowly begin to stand. DOCTOR: ...dead. Oh, dear. The DOCTOR climbs over the seats and kicks at the bodies to clear the way for AMY to get to the door. They run but one of the bodies grabs AMY by the arm as they pass through the door. INT. ESCAPE POD, COCKPIT The DOCTOR pulls her free and closes and locks the door. They lean back against it, panting heavily. AMY: (smiles) Is it bad that I've REALLY missed this? DOCTOR: Yes. AMY: Good. DOCTOR: I know. CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING QUARTERS OSWIN: 'Unauthorised personnel may not enter the cockpit.' DOCTOR: Shut up! (pushes off from the door) OSWIN: Ooh, Mr Grumpy! Bad combo! No sense of humour and that chin. The DOCTOR peers through a camera. AMY: Is that her again - souffl girl? DOCTOR: (to AMY) Yeah. Shh. (to OSWIN) What is wrong with my chin?! OSWIN: Careful, dear, you'll put someone's eye out. I'm scanning you. You're on another of the escape pods from the Alaska, right? Same ship I was on. DOCTOR: How can you hack into everything? Should be impossible, you're in a crashed ship! OSWIN: Long story. Is there a word for total screaming genius that sounds modest and a tiny bit sexy? DOCTOR: Doctor. You call me the Doctor. OSWIN: I see what you did there. Check the floor. I'm picking up a breach at floor level, there could be a way out. See you later! The DOCTOR and AMY clear a spot in the center of the floor. DOCTOR: Aha, hatch! Looks like it's been used already, and they tried to block it off behind them. AMY: (looks back at the door) Can't imagine why. DOCTOR: The lower part of the pod is buried, so this must go straight down into the Asylum. AMY: Where Rory is? DOCTOR: (works on opening hatch) Speaking of Rory...Anything you want to tell me? AMY: Are we going to do this now?! DOCTOR: What happened? AMY: Oh, stuff, you know. We split up. What can you do? DOCTOR: (earnest) What can I do? AMY: Nothing. It's not one of those things you can fix like you fix your bow tie. Don't give me those big wet eyes, raggedy man. It's life. Just life. That thing that goes on when you're not there. The DOCTOR gets the hatch opened and they look down the deep hole where they can't see the bottom. There is a ladder hanging down from the hatch itself. AMY: OK, so someone else got out this way then? DOCTOR: Let's go and find them. There is a banging on the door and the DOCTOR gets up too look at the screen showing the main body of the escape pod. DOCTOR: Oh, hello, hello, hello? What are they up to? One of the bodies is holding something in his hand, banging it against the door. AMY: What's that? DOCTOR: (holds up wrist) One of these. Where did they get it? AMY: (shows bare wrist) Doctor! They got it from me! DOCTOR: Oh, Amy! (takes her arm) AMY: Doctor? What's going to happen to me? Seriously, tell me, what? The body bangs the device on the screen and waves it tauntingly. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ASYLUM RORY continues to explore and finds another room filled with derelict Daleks. He approaches one covered in webs and with a cracked dome. He moves the eyestalk out of the way and peers at it. He steps back when the eyestalk swivels back. RORY slowly backs away and hits a metal bar that rolls on the floor. The sound echoes. The eyestalk lights up. RORY: Sssh, sssh.. The eyestalk spins around and locates RORY. RORY: Sssh, sssh... The other Daleks slowly come back to life, the light in their eyestalks turn on. DALEK: Ee-ee-ee-eex... RORY: What? Sorry - what? DALEK: Eggzz, eggzz, eggzz, eggzz, eggzz. RORY: Eggs? D'you mean those things? (looks at the bumps on the casing) DALEK: Egggzzzzzzzz. RORY: I don't... I don't know what you want. Those things? (picks one off the floor and holds it out) This? Are those things eggs? You want this? DALEK: Eggggzzz... term... in... ate. RORY drops the "egg" on the floor and backs away as all the Daleks take up the cry. DALEKS: Eggzz... term... in... ate. Ex... term... in... ate! The Daleks begin firing and RORY runs. DALEKS: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING QUARTERS OSWIN: Run! The door at the end, run for it! They're waking up but they're slow. The door at the end, just run. Now, now, now! RORY runs for the door as the Daleks continue to fire and shout. The door opens and RORY slides underneath as it closes. He sits on the floor and breathes heavily. INT. ASYLUM, CORRIDOR OSWIN: So anyway. I'm Oswin. What do I call you? RORY: Er... I can't even remember. Er... Rory. OSWIN: Lovely name, Rory. First boy I ever fancied was called Rory. RORY: OK... OSWIN: Actually, she was called Nina, I was going through a phase. Just flirting to keep you cheerful. RORY stands and shrugs. The Daleks still call from the other side of the closed door. RORY: OK... Any time you want to start flirting again it's fine by me... INT. ASYLUM, ESCAPE HATCH The DOCTOR and AMY are climbing down the ladder. AMY: So, tell me. What's going to happen to me? And don't lie, cos I know when you're lying to me and I will definitely fall on you. DOCTOR: The air all around is full of micro-machines, robots the size of molecules, nanogenes. Now that you're unprotected, you're being... re-written. INT. ASYLUM, CORRIDOR AMY: So, what happens? I get one of those things sticking out my head? DOCTOR: (looks around) Physical changes come later. (takes AMY'S hand and walks down corridor) AMY: What comes first, how does it start? DOCTOR: With your mind. Your feelings, your memories and I'm sorry, but it's started already. AMY: How do you know? DOCTOR: Because we've had this conversation four times. AMY: OK. Scared now. DOCTOR: Hang on to scared. Scared isn't Dalek. (hugs her) RORY is slowly moving down a corridor. OSWIN: Hey there, beaky boy. RORY: If it's a straight choice, I prefer Nina. CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING QUARTERS OSWIN: Loving this - the nose and the chin. You two could fence. There's a door behind you. The door opens and RORY runs through. INT. TELEPORT ROOM The door slides closed behind him. OSWIN: In there, quickly. OK, you're safe for now. Pop your shirt off, quick as you like. RORY: Why?! OSWIN: Does there have to be a reason? INT. ASYLUM, CORRIDOR A door opens in front of the DOCTOR and AMY and they pause. The DOCTOR sniffs the air. AMY: What's that? They can't see any Daleks in the room ahead of them but they hear them and back away. The door slides shut. DOCTOR: Keep a look-out. Don't open this door! Oswin?! Oswin, can you hear me?! Behind the DOCTOR, AMY rubs her forehead. CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING QUARTERS OSWIN: Hello, the Chin! I have visual on you! DOCTOR: Why don't I have visual on you? Why can't I ever see you? OSWIN: Limited power, bad hair, take your pick. There's a door to your left, open it. (DOCTOR opens door) Going to send you a map to that screen. I've put your little friend somewhere safe, I can get you to him. DOCTOR: Rory? You've found Rory? OSWIN: I call him Nina. It's a personal thing - hush now. Meanwhile, AMY is looking through the door and sees a man in a suit and he waves her in. AMY: Who are you? AMY, hallucinating, opens the door and enters the room. The man in the suit is joined by two other couples and a little red-haired girl in a white tu-tu spinning. The DOCTOR turns around and then turns back to the screen. DOCTOR: How many Daleks directly ahead of me, right now? OSWIN: 10, 20, hard to say. Some of them are catatonic, but they do have firepower. DOCTOR: How do I get past them? (sees AMY in the room and rushes to her) Amy! AMY: Shhh. It's OK. It's just people in here. It's just people. DOCTOR: Amy. It's the nano-cloud, it's altering your perception. Look again, look again - those aren't people. AMY looks again and sees Daleks where she had seen people. DOCTOR: Come with me, take my hand. Run, run! They run down the hall back to the ladder but it's moving. AMY: Look, they're coming down! DOCTOR: Ah, yes, they are! They turn back towards the room, but a Dalek is coming out. DALEK: Intruder! DOCTOR: (pushes AMY to the side niche door) Run! The DOCTOR and AMY hide in the small room as the Dalek approaches. DALEK: Intruder! Intruder! The Dalek fires its weapon but nothing happens. The DOCTOR steps out first. DOCTOR: It's damaged... AMY: (joins him) OK, but what do we do? DALEK POV DOCTOR: Identify me! Access your files, who am I? Come on, who's your Daddy? DALEK: You... are... the Predator. RESUME NORMAL POV DOCTOR: Access your standing orders concerning the Predator. DALEK: The Predator must be destroyed. DOCTOR: And how are you going to do that?! Dalek without a gun - you're a tricycle with a roof! How are you going to destroy me?! DALEK: Self-destruct initiated. The DOCTOR uses his sonic on the Dalek. AMY: What's it doing?! DOCTOR: It's going to blow itself up and us with it. Only weapon it's got left. (opens lid and uses sonic) DALEK: Self-destruct cannot be countermanded. DOCTOR: I'm not looking for a countermand, dear, (drops the lid shut) I'm looking for reverse. DALEK: (goes backwards) For..wards, For..wards, For..wards, For..wards! The Dalek arrives in the room with the other Daleks, collides with one and explodes. INT. TELEPORT ROOM RORY feels the shockwave. CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING QUARTERS OSWIN turns around in her chair. RORY: Oswin, what was that? That was close. INT. ASYLUM, ROOM The remnants of the Daleks are smoking and exposed wires crackle as RORY rushes into the room. RORY: Oswin?! What happened?! Who killed all the Daleks? The DOCTOR enters from the other side through the hallway they had been in. He is carrying AMY'S prone body. DOCTOR: Who do you think? INT. TELEPORT ROOM The DOCTOR sets AMY down on the teleport. RORY: Will sleeping help her? Slow down the process? CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING QUARTERS OSWIN: You'd better hope so. Because pretty soon, she's going to try and kill you. AMY starts to come around. RORY: Amy. AMY: Ow. DOCTOR: Amy, you're still with us. (strokes her head) RORY: Amy, it's me, do you remember me? (she slaps him) She remembers me. DOCTOR: (smiles) Same old Amy. (stands) OSWIN: Do you know how you make someone into a Dalek? Subtract love, add anger. Doesn't she seem a bit too angry to you? AMY: Well! Somebody's never been to Scotland. DOCTOR: What about you though, Oswin? How come you're OK? Why hasn't the nano-cloud converted you? OSWIN: I mentioned the genius thing, yeah? I'm shielded in here. DOCTOR: Clever of you. Now this place - the Daleks said it was fully automated. But look at it, it's a wreck. OSWIN: Well, I've had nearly a year to mess with them and not a lot else to do. (looks around her room) DOCTOR: A junior entertainment manager, hiding out in a wrecked ship... hacking the security systems of the most advanced warrior race the universe has ever seen. But you know what really gets me about you, Oswin? The souffl s! AMY mouths "souffl s". DOCTOR: Where do you get the milk for the souffl s? Seriously, is no one else wondering about that? RORY: No. Frankly, no. Twice. OSWIN: So, Doctor, I've been looking you up. You're all over the Database. Why do the Daleks call you the Predator? DOCTOR: I'm not a predator, just a man with a plan. OSWIN: You've got a plan? RORY: We're all ears. AMY: There's a nose joke going, if anyone wants to pick that one off! DOCTOR: In no particular order, we need to neutralise all the Daleks in this asylum, rescue Oswin from the wreckage, escape from this planet, and fix Rory and Amy's marriage... AMY: OK, I'm counting three lost causes, anyone else? RORY slaps his knee in frustration and walks away from AMY. DOCTOR: Oswin, there's a Dalek ship in orbit. OSWIN: Yeah, got it on the sensors. DOCTOR: The Asylum has a force-field. The Daleks upstairs are waiting for me to turn it off. Soon as I do, they'll burn this world and us with it. (claps) So, Oswin, my question is this. How fast can you drop the force-field? AMY and RORY stare at him. OSWIN: Pretty fast. But why would I? DOCTOR: Because this is a teleport, am I right, Oswin? OSWIN: Yeah. Internal use only. DOCTOR: (snaps fingers) I can boost the power, though, (kneels on teleport) once the force-field is down, and we can use this to beam us right off this planet. RORY: But you said, when the force-field is down, the Daleks will blow us up. DOCTOR: We have to be quick. AMY: Fine, we'll be quick, but where do we beam to? DOCTOR: The only place within range. The Dalek ship. AMY: Where they exterminate us on the spot. RORY: This is the kind of escape plan where you survive four seconds longer? DOCTOR: What's wrong with four seconds? You can do lots in four seconds. Oswin! How fast can you drop the force-field? OSWIN: I can do it from here. As soon as you come and get me. DOCTOR: (stands) No, just drop the force-field and come to us. OSWIN: There's enough power in that teleport for one go. Why would you wait for me? DOCTOR: Why wouldn't I? OSWIN: No idea, never met you. Sending you a map so you can come get me. The DOCTOR goes to the screen. RORY: This place is crawling with Daleks. OSWIN: Yeah. Kind of why I'm anxious to leave. Come up and see me some time. RORY: (leans over the panel as the DOCTOR checks the map) So? Are we going to go get her? DOCTOR: I don't think that we have a choice. In her quarters, OSWIN sits back in her chair and smiles. DOCTOR: OK, soon as the force-field is down, the Daleks will attack. If it gets too explodey-wodey in here, you go without me, OK? (hands RORY the teleport control) RORY: And leave you to die? DOCTOR: Oh, don't worry about me. You're the one beaming up to a Dalek ship to get exterminated. (goes underneath the platform to work on wires) RORY: Fair point, love this plan. What about Amy? DOCTOR: Keep her remembering, keep her focussed, that'll hold back the conversion. AMY: What do I do? DOCTOR: You heard what she said. They're subtracting love. Don't let them. (leaves) INT. ASYLUM, CORRIDOR The DOCTOR walks cautiously through the corridors. In the distance, he can hear the Daleks. DALEKS: Emergency, emergency! We are the Daleks! We are the Daleks! We are the Daleks... INT. TELEPORT ROOM AMY sits on the platform as RORY paces. RORY: (stops pacing) OK. Look at me. (AMY turns around) I'm going to be logical. Cold and logical, OK? (walks towards her) For both of our sakes, for both of us, I'm going to take this off my wrist and put it on yours. (starts to unfasten wristband) AMY: Why? It'll just start converting you, that's not better. RORY: Yeah. But it buys time. Because it'll take longer with me. AMY: Sorry, what?! RORY: It subtracts love. That's what she said. AMY: What's that got to do with it? What does that even mean?! RORY: It's just arithmetic. It'll take longer with me, because we both know, we've both always known... (bends over to be face-to-face) Amy, basic fact of our relationship is that I love you more than you love me. Which, today, is good news, because it might just save both of our lives. AMY: How can you say that? RORY: (straightens) 2,000 years, waiting for you, outside a box. Saying it because it's true, and since you know it's true, give me your arm... Amy! AMY slaps RORY in the face. AMY: Don't you dare say that to me. Don't you ever dare! RORY: Amy, you kicked me out! AMY: (tearful) You want kids! You have always wanted kids, ever since you WERE a kid! And I can't have them. (sniffles and turns away) RORY: I know. AMY: (tearful) Whatever they did to me at Demons Run, I can't ever give you children. I didn't kick you out. I gave you up. RORY: Amy... I don't... AMY: Don't you dare talk to me about waiting outside a box, because that is nothing, Rory, (stands) nothing... compared to giving you up! RORY: Just give me your arm, let me put this on you. AMY: (puts her arm behind her back) No get off me! RORY: Just give me your arm! AMY: DON'T TOUCH ME! They stop, realizing something his different. RORY removes his hand from AMY'S wrist to show a band on her arm. RORY: It's the Doctor's. When you were asleep, he must've... AMY: Time Lord. What's the betting he doesn't even need it? RORY: Then why didn't he just tell us? INT. ASYLUM, CORRIDOR The DOCTOR pauses to straighten his tie. INT. TELEPORT ROOM AMY turns her head as she realizes the DOCTOR'S sacrifice in an attempt to save her marriage. INT. ASYLUM, CORRIDOR The DOCTOR continues down the corridor. DOCTOR: Oswin? I think I'm close. CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING QUARTERS OSWIN pops her head around a wall and heads back to her chair. OSWIN: You are. Less than 20 feet away. Which is the good news... DOCTOR: OK. And the bad, which I suddenly feel is coming... OSWIN: You're about to pass through intensive care. The door in front of the DOCTOR slides open and he enters the room. INT. ASYLUM, INTENSIVE CARE The Daleks are in individual cells - more like stalls - where some are chained in place. DOCTOR: And what's so special about this lot then? OSWIN: Dunno. Survivors of particular wars. Spiridon. Kembel. Aridius. Vulcan. Exxilon. Ringing any bells? DOCTOR: All of them. OSWIN: Yeah? How? The DOCTOR walks forward until he is in front of a Dalek. DOCTOR: These are the Daleks who survived me. The Daleks slowly become aware of his presence. DALEKS: Doc... tor... Doc... tor... Doc... tor... Doctor... OSWIN: That's weird. Those ones don't usually wake up for anything. DOCTOR: Yeah, well - special visitor. (runs to a door on the opposite side) OK, door, but it won't open. (uses sonic) You can't be far away though... OSWIN: Hang on, not quite sure - (gets up and works the panel in front of her) there's a release code, let me, let me just... Anything happening out there? DOCTOR: No. OSWIN: Hang on, I'm trying a thing. The DOCTOR tries the door but nothing happens. He slowly turns around and sees the Daleks advancing on him from all sides. One even breaks its chains. DALEKS: Doc... tor... Doc... tor... Doc... tor... (continues) DOCTOR: Oswin, get this door open! Oswin open this door! OSWIN: I can't! DOCTOR: (terrified) Oswin! PLEASE, GET THIS DOOR OPEN! In her quarters, OSWIN looks at the screen in front of her and smiles. In Intensive Care, the Daleks are almost within reach of the DOCTOR as he presses himself against the door. DALEK: OSWIN! OSWIN! PLEASE, GET THIS DOOR OPEN! HELP ME! DALEKS: Doc... tor... Doc... tor... Mere inches from the DOCTOR'S face, the Daleks stop and move away, basically ignoring the Time Lord. OSWIN: Oh, that is cool. Tell me I'm cool, chin boy. DOCTOR: What did you do? OSWIN: Hang on, I think I've found the door thingie... DOCTOR: No, tell me what you did! OSWIN: The Daleks, they have a hive mind. Well they don't, but they have a telepathic web. DOCTOR: The Path Web, yes. OSWIN: I hacked into it. Did a master delete on all the information connected with the Doctor. DOCTOR: You made them forget me? OSWIN: Good, eh? And here comes the door! The door behind the DOCTOR opens and he stands. DOCTOR: I've tried hacking the Path Web. Even I couldn't do it. OSWIN: Come and meet the girl who can. The DOCTOR stands in the doorway, eyes wide in shock. In her quarters, OSWIN begins to straighten things for his visit. She looks up at her screen and sees him standing there. OSWIN: Hey! You're right outside, come on in. DOCTOR: Oswin... we have a problem... OSWIN: No, we don't! Don't even say that. Joined the Alaska to see the universe, ended up stuck in a shipwreck, first time out. (runs over and leans on the back of her chair) Rescue me, chin boy, and show me the stars. DOCTOR: Does it look real to you? OSWIN: Does what look real? DOCTOR: Where you are right now. INT. ASYLUM, CHAMBER The DOCTOR is standing in a white-honeycombed chamber. DOCTOR: Does it seem real? OSWIN: It IS real. DOCTOR: It's a dream, Oswin. You dreamed it for yourself, because the truth was too terrible. OSWIN: Where am I? We see the DOCTOR is not alone in the chamber, but is standing in front of a lone Dalek draped in heavy chains. [NOTE: For ease of transcribing, I will not differentiate between Human Oswin and Dalek Oswin. It will just be Oswin] OSWIN: Where... am... I? Where... am... I? DOCTOR: Because you are a Dalek. OSWIN: I am not a Dalek! I am NOT a Dalek! I'm human. DOCTOR: You were human when you crashed here. (rests hands on casing) It was you who climbed out of the pod - that was your ladder. [SCENE_BREAK] OSWIN remembers climbing down the ladder and being found by the Daleks. OSWIN: Where am I? Where am I? Where am I? [SCENE_BREAK] OSWIN: I'm... human... DOCTOR: Not anymore. Because you're right, you're a genius. And the Daleks need genius. They didn't just make you a puppet, they did a full conversion. [SCENE_BREAK] OSWIN remembers. OSWIN: Where am I? Where am I? Where am I? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Oswin, I am so sorry. But you are a Dalek. The milk, Oswin. The milk and the eggs for the souffl s, where, where did it all come from? Inside her hideaway, OSWIN looks around the room. OSWIN: Eggs. [SCENE_BREAK] OSWIN remembers being hooked up to wires during the conversion process. OSWIN: I'm... human... I am not a Dalek... I am human, I am not Dalek. I am human! [SCENE_BREAK] OSWIN: Eggs. DOCTOR: It wasn't real. It was never real. [SCENE_BREAK] OSWIN remembers being hooked up to wires during the conversion process. OSWIN: I am a Dalek! I am a Dalek! [SCENE_BREAK] OSWIN: Eggs... term... in... ate. (raises gun) DOCTOR: Oswin? OSWIN: Eggs... term... in... ate. Exterminate! Exterminate! (advances on the DOCTOR, breaking free of the chains) DOCTOR: (backs away to the door) No, no, no, Oswin, Oswin listen...Oswin! You don't have to do this! OSWIN: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! DOCTOR: Oswin! Oswin! The DOCTOR once again finds himself backed up against a door with a Dalek in front of him. OSWIN stops, her cries of "Exterminate" trail off. INT. LIVING QUARTERS OSWIN is back against her door sobbing on the floor, hands over her head. She lifts her head. OSWIN: Why do they hate you... CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ASYLUM, CHAMBER OSWIN: ...so much? They hate you so much. Why? DOCTOR: I fought them. Many, many times. OSWIN: We have grown stronger in fear of you. DOCTOR: I know. I tried to stop. OSWIN: Then run. DOCTOR: What did you say? OSWIN: I've taken down the force-field. The Daleks above have begun their attack. Run! The door behind the DOCTOR opens. DOCTOR: Oswin? Are you... OSWIN: I am Oswin Oswald. I fought the Daleks. And I AM... human. Remember me. DOCTOR: Thank you! OSWIN: Run! The DOCTOR runs off. OSWIN: (sits in chair and tucks up legs) Run, you clever boy and remember...(looks at camera) INT. ASYLUM, CORRIDOR The DOCTOR runs as the explosions start to hit the asylum. INT. TELEPORT ROOM RORY and AMY look skyward as they feel the explosions. RORY: (looks down at controls) How long can we wait? AMY: The rest of our lives. RORY: Agreed! AMY leans in and kisses RORY passionately. INT. ASYLUM, CORRIDOR The DOCTOR runs through the corridors and reaches the teleport room. INT. TELEPORT ROOM DOCTOR: Right, go, let's go! We're good, let's go! Oh, for God's sake! The DOCTOR takes the controls from RORY as the couple continues to kiss. SPACE The Daleks fire on the planet and it explodes. INT. PARLIAMENT DALEK SUPREME: The Asylum is destroyed. DALEK: Incoming teleport from Asylum planet. We are under attack. DALEK SUPREME: Prepare to defend! Defend! Defend! PRIME MINISTER: Explain, Dalek Supreme. DOCTOR: (V.O.) You know, you guys should really have seen this coming. Thing about me and teleports, I've got a really good aim. Pin-point accurate, in fact. Or to put it another way... (steps out of the TARDIS) Suckers! DALEK: Identify yourself! Identify! Identify! DOCTOR: Well, it's me! You know me! The Doctor! The Oncoming Storm? The Predator? WOMAN: Titles are not meaningful in this context. Doctor who? PRIME MINISTER: Doctor who? DALEK SUPREME: Doctor who? DOCTOR: Oh, Oswin. (smiles) Oh, you did it to them all! Oh, you beauty! DALEKS: DOCTOR WHO? DOCTOR WHO? DOCTOR: (stops at TARDIS door) Fellas - you're never going to stop asking. The TARDIS dematerializes as the Daleks keep questioning. EXT. STREET, DAY The TARDIS dematerializes as AMY and RORY wave goodbye. AMY gives RORY an inviting look before heading inside. RORY: Yes! AMY: I can see you! RORY: OK! (follows AMY inside) INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR spins around the console deliriously happy and sets the TARDIS in motion. DOCTOR: Doctor Who! Doctor Who! Doc! Tor! Who!

The Doctor, Amy, and Rory are kidnapped by the Daleks , who explain that a planet they use as an asylum must be destroyed, but to do that its force-field must be disabled. The field has already been ruptured due to the crash-landing of a young woman, Oswin Oswald one year previously. The Daleks provide the three with bracelets to protect them against the planet's defense system, which will convert visitors into Dalek puppets. Although they are guided by Oswin, who has hacked into the planet's systems, the converted remains of Oswin's crew steal Amy's bracelet. The Doctor goes to find Oswin, as she claims to be able to disable the planet's force-field, and Oswin hacks into the Dalek psychic link and erases all memory of the Doctor from the Daleks. The Doctor discovers that Oswin has been fully converted into a Dalek, yet she still believes herself to be human. She ultimately realises the truth, but lowers the force-field and the Doctor, Amy, and Rory escape via teleporter before the planet is destroyed by Daleks. The Doctor returns to the Dalek Parliament to find they have no memory of him due to Oswin's interference.

fd_One_Tree_Hill_04x05

fd_One_Tree_Hill_04x05_0

[Molina Bridge-Day] (Limo crashes through the guard rail) LUCAS: (v.o) Previously (Limo falls in river) on One Tree Hill [Molina Bridge-River (underwater)-Day] (RACHEL is in the limo unconscious) RACHEL: (v.o) I do remember something ... [Molina Bridge-Night] (NATHAN and RACHEL looking towards the river) RACHEL: ... from thee accident NATHAN: What did you see? RACHEL: Keith (NATHAN's eyes widen in shock) RACHEL: (v.o) The boys ... [RACHEL's Bedroom] (BROOKE lying on her bed, RACHEL sitting in her bed fiddling with her camera] RACHEL: ... in Tree Hill are so boring BROOKE: Isn't there anybody our age you think you could fall for? (Close up of RACHEL's camera, there is a zoomed in picture of NATHAN's face) RACHEL: (v.o) Maybe [Tree Hill intersection-Streetlight] (DAN is at a red light and he looks to his right and sees that a truck has the word "Murderer" written on it, DAN stares in shock and when the truck passes across him to make a left the words are no longer there) [Breakfast Restaurant-Day] (DEREK and PEYTON sitting at a table) DEREK: Hi (extends hand) I'm Derek (playfully makes confused face) I guess I'm your brother PEYTON: (reaches his hand) Hi, Derek [Tric] (PEYTON and DEREK are talking at the night of the concert) DEREK: Lucas isn't the guy you think he is (PEYTON looks hurt) [Tric-Stage] (PEYTON is hugging DEREK and he grabs her hair to smell it, LUCAS turns to look at them, notices DEREK's weird behavior, and stares at them suspiciously) [PEYTON's Bedroom] (PEYTON takes down her "AOD PEYTON" drawing from her "Where are they now?" wall) PEYTON: Ellie brought us together and I want you to have it [DEREK's Hotel Room] (DEREK is slowly taking off his shirt to reveal a tattoo that basically covers all his back, it's the "AOD PEYTON" drawing) DEREK: (v.o) I'm gonna find a really special place for this [DEREK's Hotel Room] (The prostitute is looking at DEREK's "Psycho wall-Peyton pictures" then looks over at DEREK who is sitting on his bed) PROSTITURE: You got it bad, don't you, baby? (DEREK licks his lips in a psychotic way and stares ahead intensely) [ROE Residence-LUCAS' bedroom] (HALEY is sitting on LUCAS' bed and LUCAS stands by the side) HALEY: It's not Brooke, it's me ... (whispers) I'm pregnant End Of Previously on <Note: This is one of the more darker episodes of One Tree Hill, so instead of playing the theme song like they normally do they instead show the "One Tree Hill" words> <Note: Scary, suspenseful music is played as the words are shown> [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital-Waiting room] (LUCAS and KAREN, reading a magazine, sit in a couch) KAREN: Lucas, you know you don't have to come to every check up with me LUCAS: ( smiles laugh) It's okay, mom, I want to KAREN: Lucas, why are you coming to every check up with me? LUCAS: Would Keith be at every checkup? KAREN: Probably, yeah LUCAS: Well then, there's your answer (LUCAS chuckles and looks away) NURSE's VOICE: Karen? (LUCAS and KAREN look ahead) NURSE: (holding folder and pen) We're ready for you? (KAREN puts the magazine down) KAREN: (clears throat/pats hand on LUCAS' knee) Go to schools, kid (frowns)You're makin' me nervous (KAREN stands up and LUCAS chuckles) (Cut to Hospital halls: LUCAS is walking out of the room and in the halls, without thinking, he quickly glances at a room and starts walking away then quickly stops himself when he sees the prostitute that was with DEREK, only he doesn't think it's the prostitute because he can't see her face and she's still wearing PEYTON's jacket, the wig, and cloths similar to PEYTON's the night of the LUPE FIASCO performance. Her face is pretty banged up, she has bad scratches under her eyes on her forehead and on her upper lip, then it cuts to her leg to show she's bleeding in the same area where PEYTON got shot) LUCAS: (worried) Peyton? (The PROSTITUTE doesn't turn around right away but gets scared when she hears LUCAS' voice, when she finally turns, she seems scared and anger) LUCAS: (surprised) Uh--oh, I--I'm sorry, I thought you-- ... (notices her jacket) That's my friends jacket (The PROSTITUE starts taking the jacket off) PROSTITUTE: (angry) Take it (throws jacket to LUCAS/voice breaking) Get out (PROSTITUTE takes the wig off and looks straight ahead. LUCAS stares at her thinking) LUCAS: (suspicious) Who did this to you? PROSTITUTE: Nobody, I'm just clumsy, that's all (LUCAS knows she's not telling the truth but just leaves it at that and heads out but looks at the PROSTITUTE) [NATHAN and HALEY's Apartment-Kitchen] (NATHAN is sitting at the table eating breakfast) (Cell phone rings) NATHAN: Hello? ... (shocked face) Yes, sir ... (chuckles) a full scholarship, yes, sir, I, uh, tell Coach K. I won't let him down, thank you (hangs up phone and takes it all in) Yes! (stands) Haley! (HALEY comes out of the bathroom and NATHAN stands in front of the hall) HALEY: (smiling) What? NATHAN: (big grin) I'm going to Duke HALEY: (shocked) I'm pregnant (NATHAN's smiles drops, he looks at her stomach for a moment not believing what he just heard, HALEY laughs nervously waiting for his reaction) HALEY: (nervous) It's not Brooke, it's me NATHAN: What? Well, how long have you known? HALEY: (frowns) A few weeks NATHAN: (upset) A few weeks?! HALEY: I'm sorry, I didn't know how to tell you NATHAN: (trying to take it all in) Oh (NATHAN walks towards the kitchen and sighs not really paying attention to anything, only to what is going through his mind, then sits) HALEY: Can you talk to me? Can you tell me what you're thinking? NATHAN: Do you still want to go to Stanford? HALEY: ("where is this coming from" tone) What? NATHAN: Stanford, for college? HALEY: Um, yeah, I mean (cell phone rings) of--of course I do but I don't-- (NATHAN checks his cell phone and it's a call from "Rachel" ugh! NATHAN closes the phone) NATHAN: (thinking) I have to go HALEY: What do you--(NATHAN stands to exit) --Nathan, !Nathan! (NATHAN turns) HALEY: (smiles) I'm pregnant ... (smile fades) were pregnant, at least just tell me how you feel about that? NATHAN: I feel like you should've told me a few weeks ago (HALEY still waits for his response to her question) that's how I feel (NATHAN opens the door and exits, HALEY watches him leave and sighs disappointedly) [Tree Hill High-School Parking lot-Day] (LUCAS parks just as PEYTON starts heading to the school, when he gets out he's holding her jacket and he spots her) LUCAS: (worried tone) Hey, Peyton! (PEYTON turns around, notices her jacket and gasps) LUCAS: (throws her the jacket) I found your jacket PEYTON: Luke! (searching through pockets) Oh, my God! (LUCAS and PEYTON are heading to the school, away from the bridge, and get on the sidewalk) PEYTON: Damn it, I kept a picture of Ellie in here, it's gone LUCAS: That is your jacket, right? PEYTON: Yeah, where'd you find it? LUCAS: Look, does Derek know about ... the scar on you leg, were you were shot? PEYTON: Yeah, why? LUCAS: Uh, your jacket was on a girl in the hospital PEYTON: What?! LUCAS: Yeah, she was bleeding in the same place that you were shot in the leg PEYTON: Okay, creepy and weird but what does that have to do with Derek? LUCAS: The other night at Tric, when he hugged you good night, he kind-a ... he sniffed your hair (LUCAS touches her hair) PEYTON: (finding it funny) HA! At same time LUCAS: No, look-- PEYTON: (smiling) Come on LUCAS: And then your jacket goes missing PEYTON: (smiling) Stop! LUCAS: Ends up on some hooker wearing a blond wig who's dressed like you?-- PEYTON: --Whoa, whoa, wait, how do you know she was a hooker? LUCAS: I don't know, she looked like a hooker PEYTON: (playfully insulted) Thanks ... look, I know you're a little bit jealous of him and ... LUCAS: Whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa, I'm not jealous of Derek PEYTON: Okay, fine, you're not jealous oh him, so, instead of a girl stealing my jacket you think Derek stole it, put it on a women who may or may not be a prostitute and then stabbed her in the leg? (finding it humorous) Is that what you think?! (PEYTON and LUCAS stop walking) LUCAS: Honestly, yeah PEYTON: Luke, come on ... this is important to me, okay? ... having a family and having Derek and he's been nothing but good to me so just don't make me doubt him, please LUCAS: I'm just trying to watch out for you, Peyton PEYTON: (smiles) I know and I thank you but how about you just bodyguard me to English class (PEYTON pulls LUCAS off the screen and when they move DEREK has been standing on the bridge watching them from afar, the shot changes to DEREK's point of view were you can see LUCAS and PEYTON walking towards the busses and this scary, suspense music starts playing, the camera closes up to DEREK's face, he doesn't look to happy as he continues watching them) [RACHEL's Bedroom] (RACHEL lights up a candle and places it by a drawer that has more candles lit up, she starts unbuttoning her blouse a little so she can show more cleavage and she fixes it, the blouse not her boobs, she sits on her bed [facing the door] and crosses her legs] (RACHEL's house door opens and she sits there very seductively, NATHAN enters and stands by the door) NATHAN: Hey RACHEL: (smiles) Hi NATHAN: Well, you said to just come in so I did RACHEL: Thanks for coming, I know we should be at school but, um ...I really want to talk to you ... about thee accident (RACHEL pats the bed in a flirty way. NATHAN looks sad and walks over to sit on her bed and lets out a big exhale) RACHEL: I feel ... like we're connected somehow, Nathan (he looks away) Like, we're the only two people in the planet, you know, trying to understand this ... and ... well (moves closer) maybe we can help each other through it (RACHEL looks at NATHAN's lips) NATHAN: Haley's pregnant RACHEL: ...You mean, Brooke? NATHAN: No ... the rumors were wrong (inhales) It's Haley (RACHEL turns away upset) NATHAN: You know, ten minutes ago I was (holds out index finger and thumb and inch apart) this close to my dream ... for a moment, I actually knew exactly who I was gonna be and now (scoffs) RACHEL: I didn't see Keith (looks down) ... (NATHAN looks surprised) I'm sorry (scoffs) (RACHEL stands buttons her blouse and goes to blow out the candles) RACHEL: I heard you talking to Peyton at the party and I just-- ... I--I'm an idiot NATHAN: (nods/stands) That figures (NATHAN starts exiting for the door) RACHEL: (sighs) Nathan (NATHAN turns) you're gonna be okay NATHAN: Sure, I owe thousands of dollars in hospital bills, my wife is pregnant and I think my dead uncle saved my life (RACHEL rolls eyes, smiles and walks towards NATHAN) RACHEL: Your parents have money (inhales) your baby's gonna be beautiful ... and maybe your dead Uncle saved your life because you were destined for greatness (NATHAN smiles and starts walking away) RACHEL: Nathan (he turns once again but this time just a tad annoyed) If Haley wasn't pregnant ... did I have a shot? NATHAN: Not for a second (RACHEL, upset, watches NATHAN leave) [Tree Hill High-Quad-Day] (BROOKE passes by the news board and walks over to HALEY who is sitting at a table, she puts her bag on the table and sits with her) BROOKE: Haley (sees HALEY's sad expression) ... what's wrong? HALEY: (sighs) I told Nathan that I'm pregnant and, um ... he walked out (HALEY smiles sadly) BROOKE: (sympathetically) I'm sorry, buddy (thinks) Hmm, um ... listen, now that Nathan knows, it wouldn't be horrible exactly if news of your pregnancy just somehow sort of slipped out, right? HALEY: I don't know, I,I guess not BROOKE: Okay (grins) Great (BROOKE stands up on top of the table) BROOKE: (to students) Hey, people! Listen up! (points to self) I'm not the one who's pregnant, okay? (points to HALEY) Haley is! HALEY: (whispering) Brooke BROOKE: Haley's got the roast in slow cook, not me! Haley! (The students gather around HALEY who just smiles at them, embarrassed, as the students congratulate her) BROOKE: (holds hands out) Thank you! (BROOKE gets down and HALEY smiles at people, humiliated) [Tree Hill streets-Newspaper machine-Day] (DAN puts some coins in the machine and opens it up to pull out a "Morning Examiner" paper, he closes the door of it then walks away looking at the paper and stops suddenly, scared. The paper reads in bold letters "Mayor Kills Big Brother" and there is a big picture of DAN, terrified, he looks around paranoid then looks back at the paper and is surprised once more, the title has changed to "Mayor Kills Big Budget" DAN makes a face followed by a "What?" expression, he starts walking and throws the paper in the trash) [SAWYER Residence-Front of house-Day] (PEYTON parks her car in front of the house and starts heading for the door, scary suspenseful music starts playing when she stops suddenly and looks at the door, it's open and she pokes her head in a little, scared. She pushes the door open and it creeks as she continues looking inside the house from the outside, she looks around outside and walks in) <Note: Just think, teen horror movie's music> PEYTON: HELLO?! (PEYTON proceeds upstairs with caution looking up, the music gets heavier and louder as she slowly walks to her room, she stares at it from the outside the looks away, the camera is now in the inside of the room as if it's someone's eye view and it moves from looking at her album's wall to her looking away from the door as screeching terror violin music is played. PEYTON looks back at the door and screams in terror, the camera turns to the door and it's ... LUCAS, who holds his hands up with an "Calm down" expression) LUCAS: It's okay At same time PEYTON: Damn it! LUCAS: It's me PEYTON: (hits him on shoulder) You jackass! LUCAS: (laughs) I'm sorry, okay, I was worried about you. I wanted to check on the house before you got home PEYTON: Luke, the only one terrorizing me is you (walks in and sits on bed) Sooo, you find anything out of place? LUCAS: ... No, everything's fine PEYTON: (trying to make a point) That's right, everything's fine LUCAS: Other than your brother sniffing your hair (PEYTON makes a serious face) Okay, well maybe I saw wrong. I'm sorry ... again. I'm going home (LUCAS starts exiting the room) PEYTON: (stern tone) Lucas Scott ... (LUCAS rolls his eyes and turns around) thanks for caring LUCAS: (smiles) You're welcome (LUCAS chuckles and exits, PEYTON watches him leave then laughs lightly to herself) (Cut to outside of PEYTON's bedroom: LUCAS stops, suspiciously, and takes something out of his pocket, it's the letter ELLIE put in the Zeppelin album. He opens it and this is the only parts I could read from it "Tell you, because ...he is your brother. His name is Derek. And knowing how courageous you are. I thought you should know his number is (LUCAS' thumb covers it) Go into the storm brave angel that's were life is. I love you--Ellie". LUCAS closes it and walks away) [RACHEL's Bedroom] (RACHEL is on her bed, belly down, on BROOKE's lap top, since it has a "clothes/Bro's" sticker, I assume it's hers. Anyway, she is typing something and when it closes up to the computer screen it looks like a profile page for BROOKE, there is a main picture of BROOKE and under it reads "Home Town: Tree Hill" with and "edit" button next to it, at the bottom of that is age with an "edit" button but there is nothing filled out, at the bottom of that reads "Interests: FASHION, I design a clothing line called CLOTHES OVER BRO's that you can check it out at clothsoverbros.com" there's a space and on bottom of that says "SECOND: BOYS" "THIRD: BOYS" there is a section titled "My Recent Pictures" with six photo's, a couple by herself, one being NATHAN and HALEY's wedding, a couple with her and PEYTON and some with her and HALEY at the bottom reads "Upload Additional photos" and it's three pictures each with a different guy, lol. Camera zooms in closer to her main picture then moves down to the "Home town" and "Age" section, mouse arrow hits "edit" and RACHEL types in "23" she hit's the edit button once more and smiles) [PEYTON's Bedroom] (There is a close up shot of the "family photo" PEYTON and DEREK took together, PEYTON moves it away and looks at her computer screen, she's sitting at the desk and her web cam is turned on and she receives an instant message from "LUKESCOTT3") LUKESCOTT3: "heyy, it's lucas" (PEYTON smiles and types ...) PEYTON: "what's up?" LUKESCOTT3: "just thinking of yyou" (a second after that ...) LUKESCOTT3: "i love that smile" (PEYTON smiles, raises an eyebrow and types ...) PEYTON: "what else do you love?" (PEYTON waits for a response and up pops ...) LUKESCOTT3: "yyour ass" *suspenseful music starts to play* (PEYTON, worried, looks at the web cam a moment then stands to walk over to her cell phone which is on her bed, she looks at the computer for a moment before she dials) (Phone rings through receiver) (Cut to Police department-Outside entrance: LUCAS' cell rings, he looks at it a moment then he answers) LUCAS: Hey (Cut to PEYTON's Bedroom) PEYTON: Hey, perv ... did you just I.M me? (Cut to Police department) LUCAS: (laughs) No, why? (looks up) (Cut to PEYTON's Bedroom: PEYTON, worried, quickly glances at the computer) PEYTON: Nothing, it's okay, um ... I'll talk to you later (PEYTON quickly hangs up) (Cut to Police department) LUCAS: Uh (realizes she hung up and pulls phone away) okay (LUCAS frowns not understanding what just happened) (Cut to PEYTON's Bedroom: PEYTON walks over to the computer and turns off her web cam, sits on the chair and clicks on something, a box pops up that reads "Opening Mail Server" with a loading timer at the bottom the box changes to the title "Connecting" the loading timer is still empty, it changes to "Looking For Mail" and the timer looks about 20% full, as the timer fills up it changes to "Retrieving Mail ..." an e-mail DEREK send her in Episode 403 with the picture attachment pops up "Had a great time 2nite. Thought yyou might like this pic." it zooms in to the word "yyou" and then to the e-mail address section "dsommers86@ th.na.net" PEYTON stands up and walks away from the computer and the camera zooms in on the I.M "yyour ass") [Tree Hill Police Department-Outside Entrance] (LUCAS stands out there a little worried mixed with impatience and DETECTIVE WILCOX comes out holding a pen and pad) WILCOX: Lucas Scott? LUCAS: Yes, sir? WILCOX: (extends hand) Detective Wilcox (shake hands) we've met before, haven't we? LUCAS: Yeah, after the school shooting WILCOX: Ah, I thought so (inhales) listen, they filled me in on this whole "long-lost brother" scenario--what else can you give me? (LUCAS thinks but can't come up with anything and frowns) LUCAS: ... Unfortunately, not much (worried) Look, I just have a really bad feeling about this guy (voice trembles) and I'm worried about my friend Peyton (DETECTIVE WILCOX pauses a moment and realizes something) WILCOX: ... (points) You carried her out--Peyton Sawyer (nods) You're the one who carried her out of the school LUCAS: (nods sadly) Yeah WILCOX: Okay (smiles) We'll bring him in (DETECTIVE WILCOX starts to exit to the building) LUCAS: So, you believe me? (D. WILCOX turns) I mean, you don't think this sounds crazy? WILCOX: I didn't say it didn't sound crazy ... (points/moves towards LUCAS) but that look in your eyes tells me that you believe it (LUCAS stares at DETECTIVE WILCOX a moment before D. WILCOX goes back in the building, LUCAS looks away worried) [City Hall-DAN's office] (DAN is sitting behind his desk, drinking coffee and looking through some papers) (knock on door) HALEY: Mr. Scott? (DAN looks up as HALEY walks a little in) DAN: Haley, what a surprise, come on in (motions to the chair in front of him and HALEY walks over) what can I do for you? (HALEY stands in front of the chair) HALEY: (inhales) Um, I'm just here because ... I don't know who else can talk to Nathan (DAN looks at her as if he doesn't understand, HALEY gathers some courage and sits) HALEY: (leans towards desk) I'm pregnant DAN: (taken back) ... (nods) It seems to be going around HALEY: You have to know that ... I would never plan something like this or try and trap him especially now that he's got a scholarship offer to Duke ... (DAN looks shocked then leans back on his chair and looks up) HALEY: Which you didn't know ... (softly to herself) sorry (DAN sighs happily holds his hand up as if to say "don't apologize" then stands to sit next to HALEY) DAN: (puts hand on her shoulder) First of all ... congratulations (HALEY smiles)(playfully) although I'm far to young and handsome to be a grandfather (HALEY laughs) and second, don't worry ... it's not healthy (smiles) ... have you told Nathan? HALEY: (nods/sadly smiles) He totally freaked out DAN: Mmm, Been there (playfully raises eyebrows with a "know what I mean?" expression) but, hey, it's all gonna be okay (HALEY looks at him like she hopes to believe it) ... I'll talk to Nathan (HALEY nods) ... okay? (DAN comfortingly touches HALEY's cheek a little below her eye) HALEY: (really appreciating it) Thank you (HALEY looks at DAN for a moment, smiles and then stands up. DAN looks away and thinks, he may have seemed sincere but in the end he's still DAN SCOTT) [DEREK's Hotel room] (There is a knock on the door and PEYTON walks in, heavy scary music starts playing [like before something bad is about to happen] She looks over at DEREK's bed which is messy with a blanket and some clothes, she looks over at his "psycho wall-Peyton pictures" but all the pictures that were on there are now gone, his camera is on the desk and PEYTON sees a chair with a table in front of it, there is a lap top on it that is slightly opened, she sits on the chair and slowly opens the computer and she taps a key, the picture DEREK took of her at the game in episode 403 is put as his computer wallpaper and PEYTON moves back, slightly horrified. She opens up "Document Composer v.11" and taps the "Y" button, when she does "yy" shows up on the screen. She exhales, scared and looks around and notices something under his bed, it's the picture of baby PEYTON held by ELLIE that she kept in ELLIE's jacket, Peyton stares at it horrified and looks around. Her back is facing the door and DEREK approaches the room) DEREK: Hi, Peyton (PEYTON gasps and quickly stands, scary violin screeches are heard as the camera moves closer to DEREK who stares at her. PEYTON tires to hide her fear and forces a smile) (PEYTON quickly puts the picture in her back pocket, DEREK doesn't really notice and walks towards her but stands in front of door) DEREK: (suspicious) Who let you in here, Peyton? PEYTON: Uh, your (points to door) door was open DEREK: That's odd (DEREK looks at the door) PEYTON: Yeah (laughs nervously) ... so, um, here's the deal (walks towards DEREK) You know, I've really enjoyed having you around ... but schools gonna be really busy so (inhales) maybe you should just go back to St. Flora now (smiles) DEREK: It's Lucas, isn't it (PEYTON's smile drops and she swallows nervously) He doesn't like me PEYTON: No DEREK: (upset/verge of crying) He's, uh (swallows) sabotaging our relationship PEYTON: No, Derek, it's not Lucas (quietly laughs, scared) ... it's--I mean, it's my dad. He's back from sea now so I have to--I have to spend time-- (As PEYTON is saying "I have to" she starts to exit) DEREK: --HE'S NOT EVEN YOUR REAL FATHER! (PEYTON stops in terror) Um, I'm--I'm sorry, Peyton, I just-- (PEYTON, terrified, gives him a "don't worry" scoff/laugh) I've always imagined what it' be like to know you ... (psychotically) you know, to really get inside you (PEYTON forces a smile) Now I can't ever imagine not knowing you ...(PEYTON smiles and looks down) not mattering to you (PEYTON starts to leave but in order to do so she must pass DEREK who is standing in front of the door) DEREK: I--I--I matter to you ... don't I, Peyton (PEYTON stands by his shoulder, mouths "yeah" and smiles, she starts exiting. DEREK's back is now facing her) DEREK: (angry) More than Lucas? PEYTON: (soft, scared voice) Goodbye Derek (PEYTON leaves and DEREK stands there and closes his eyes, two tears roll down his face and he stares ahead angry) [DEB SCOTT (LEE) Residence-Stairs] (NATHAN enters and looks around towards stairs] NATHAN: Mom? (NATHAN looks in the living room and calls out "Mom" as DEB comes downstairs and NATHAN comes back to stairs) DEB: Nathan ... is this a friendly visit or is the D.E.A outside? NATHAN: I'm not here to fight with you mom. You have a problem and you know that (DEB looks away) I'm here to tell you that, uh ... Duke offered me a scholarship (DEB looks up surprised) DEB: (smiles) Oh, honey, oh (moves towards NATE) congratulations (touches his chest as he smiles) I'm so proud of you, Nathan <Note: This is the first time this season she actually looks happy> NATHAN: Well, there's ... gonna be a press conference tonight--I'll let you know where but I-- ... I really want you to be there, mom DEB: I wouldn't miss it NATHAN: Sober ... I want you to be there sober DEB: (inhales) I promise you ... I'll be there NATHAN: (smiles) Okay (NATHAN heads to the door and DEB watches him, NATHAN turns to look at her and he smiles then exits. DEB leans on the stairs and thinks) [SAWYER Residence-Outside of house-Day] (PEYTON's car pulls up, she parks behind LUCAS' car and gets out of the passengers side holding ELLIE's picture. LUCAS is standing by the house stairs and she runs up to him) LUCAS: (quickly) Hey, hey--hey--hey, listen, don't be pissed okay but I talked to the police and there's not gonna be--(PEYTON, scared, hugs him) --whoa, hey, what's wrong? (PEYTON lets go) PEYTON: No, you're right, you were right, look (shows LUCAS the picture) it was in his hotel room LUCAS: (takes picture) Okay, what happened? PEYTON: Nothing, I lied and I said my dad was waiting but I haven't been able to reach him LUCAS: It's okay, it's okay (hugs PEYTON) Look, you come stay with me, all right? (PEYTON nods and they head to the house) PEYTON: (whispers) Okay LUCAS: Lets go get your stuff PEYTON: I'm sorry I doubted you LUCAS: It's okay (LUCAS and PEYTON head inside the house and DEREK's car pulls up next to PEYTON's and he watches them go inside, he looks like he's been crying ... or sweating, and pulls away) [The River Court-Basketball court-Day] (NATHAN is sitting on top of the table with the ball next to him, DAN has parked in the grass and slams the car door which gets NATHAN's attention) DAN: Oh, for a second there I wasn't sure I had the right son NATHAN: (looks away) What do you want, dad? DAN: I just came by to say congratulations ... you're gonna be a father (NATHAN turns) now get up and give thee old man a hug (DAN holds out his arms, NATHAN stands and gives him a hug) DAN: (still hugging) Oh, it's a wonderful (NATHAN pats his back) thing son, sort of like a full ride form Duke (NATHAN pulls away upset) NATHAN: I knew there was a catch DAN: Oh, hold on, there's no catch. I'm thrilled for you and Haley but how long have you loved Haley (sits) ... a year? And--you've loved the game most of your life you've worked hard and Duke recognizes that--it's a hell of an accomplishment, son NATHAN: Haley's dream is to go to Stanford DAN: Interesting, I thought her dream was to go on tour--oh, wait a minute, you already let her do that, didn't you? NATHAN: Dad-- DAN: --I like Haley, I was wrong about her, okay? But if she insist on going to Stanford then you gotta let her go ... alone NATHAN: She's pregnant DAN: ... (stands with ball) I understand that, but if she loves you--I mean, truly loves you--than Haley will put her second dream behind you first and follow you to Duke (it seems like his poison is working on NATHAN) Hey, I played ball and had you, you can do it, too. The day I sighed my national letter of intent was the greatest day of my life, this could be that day for you (NATHAN thinks) but if Haley takes that away from you after you let her go on tour ... then she's not the person either you or I thought she was ... think about that (DAN throws the ball to NATHAN who catches it and looks at it for a moment. DAN starts to head to his car but turns around) DAN: You understand it now, don't you, son? ... I wasn't a monster back then. (shakes head negatively) I was just a kid chasing his dream his whole life and finally earned it ... just like you (DAN walks away to his car, NATHAN throws the ball in the net just as DAN turns to look at him, the ball makes it in the net and NATHAN watches it) [SCENE_BREAK] [Bar] (RACHEL, holding two margaritas-pink and green, walks up to BROOKE who is sitting at a table) BROOKE: Okay, I know this is a little odd coming from me but don't you think it's a little early? RACHEL: It's never to early (puts drinks down, her green--BROOKE-pink) besides, you've been so unhappy lately I thought happy hour was the way to go (grabs drink) cheers (BROOKE and RACHEL clink there glasses) BROOKE: So, how did you find this place anyway? (drinks) RACHEL: It's where I met Cooper (drinks) BROOKE: (sympathetically) Oh, I'm sorry, Rachel RACHEL: No, it's okay. I mean, actually we met online first, I posted some pictures and Cooper replied (BROOKE looks astonished) a little lie about my age, some great s*x, a stolen limo--a bridge--and a brief hospital stay later and here we are BROOKE: (shakes head negatively/smiles) I couldn't do it, the whole lie-about-my-age-on-the-internet thing. Not to meet a guy, I mean ... RACHEL: (smiles) You already did BROOKE: (smiles fades) What? No !No! Rachel, just because I am single does not mean you can pimp me out online. Is a guy coming here? RACHEL: (frowns) No (RACHEL turns around and an adorable guy, NICK CHAVEZ, comes in and looks around) RACHEL: (smiles/turns back to BROOKE) He's already here BROOKE: What did you-- (RACHEL quickly looks at him once more, NICK notices them and starts walking up) RACHEL: (leans to BROOKE) He's a part-time model, you are a 23 year old fashion designer ... (looks at NICK quickly) named Peyton BROOKE: (gives RACHEL a look/whispers) Very funny (NICK walks up to them and stands behind RACHEL, he can't takes his eyes off BROOKE who gives him a forced smile, RACHEL, looking at BROOKE, tires not to laugh and very happy with her "internet hookup" matchmaking NICK: Hi BROOKE: Hi, I'm B-- ... Peyton (BROOKE smiles and quickly gives RACHEL a look) NICK: I know, I'm Nick (BROOKE smiles, scrunches her nose and has a smiley expression like "I'm going to kill this bitch") RACHEL: Well, I'll be going (BROOKE is still fake smiling but now it looks more like " What?!" RACHEL stands and picks up her purse and drink) RACHEL: Have fun, use condoms (to NICK/whispers) Bye (NICK, looks slightly embarrassed and smiles) BROOKE: She's-- (chuckles) ... Nick, as in Saint Nick? (NICK leans in) NICK: (smiles) Not really (BROOKE laughs) [NATHAN and HALEY's Apartment-Living room] (HALEY enters from the front door) HALEY: Nathan?! (looks at there bedroom) Hi (smiles sadly) (NATHAN comes out dressed up nicely fixing his tie) NATHAN: I'm having a press conference ... to announce that I'm going to Duke HALEY: (sad/surprised) I thought we'd agreed that we'd make that decision together NATHAN: (walks to couch) Well, things change, don't they? <Note: talking about baby> (NATHAN fixes his cufflinks and HALEY stands by the kitchen) HALEY: (sighs) You know, (smiles) everybody's been congratulating me about the baby and telling me how wonderful it is, except you (HALEY turns her back and walks to the sink) NATHAN: (upset) A part of me thinks it is wonderful HALEY: (turns slightly for a second) Part of you? NATHAN: Haley, what do you want me to say? (HALEY leans on the sink and faces NATHAN) HALEY: I want you to say that, um ... (inhales) whatever it is were gonna face it together and ... you've never been so happy and everything's gonna be okay NATHAN: (upset) Haley, I don't wanna lie to you. This whole thing scares me to death (HALEY sighs) NATHAN: (sighs/grabs jacket on couch) Look ... (puts jacket on) do you want to come with me? HALEY: (looks up) To Duke? NATHAN: To the press conference HALEY: (softly) No, I can't (walks to counter) I can't do it right now NATHAN: My dad said you would say that (HALEY, who has been leaning on the counter, stands as NATHAN starts heading to the door) HALEY: (sighs) You know what, Nathan? (NATHAN turns) It is really not about what schools we go to ... or what dreams we have (he looks away upset) because whatever you want, I want for you ... I just really ... thought that the news of your child would affect you more than the news of a scholarship (NATHAN shakes his head negatively) NATHAN: I'm not gonna feel guilty about this ... I'm not (HALEY, sad, tries to say something but can't. NATHAN opens the door looks at her for a moment then exits. HALEY smiles sadly and watches him go) [ROE Residence-LUCAS' Bedroom-Night] (PEYTON, with a gym bag, and LUCAS are entering his room) PEYTON: Can you believe this? Derek, is it any wonder I have commitment issues? (PEYTON stands by his bed near door to hall and puts her bag down on the bed) LUCAS: Yep (closes door) you're pretty much the Bermuda Triangle of relationships PEYTON: Thanks (LUCAS looks out the window)(looks at watch) Crap, can you turn around LUCAS: What? PEYTON: Just turn around I have to change LUCAS: Oh (LUCAS spins around and sits on his bed facing the door that exit's the house, back facing PEYTON who pulls out her cheerleading uniform clothes) PEYTON: You know, I just--I can't believe what a creep he turned out to be, you know (puts skirt on) and I just let him waltz into my house like (low raspy voice) "Hey, I'm crazy psycho can I come in" (normal voice) and I'm like (California valley girl voice) "Yeah, sure you wanna see my bedroom" (PEYTON takes her pants off) LUCAS: Peyton-- PEYTON: --And he's still out there LUCAS: (quietly) Oh, my God (normal) They'll find him Okay? All right, the detectives--they said they'd call when they do and then we'll finally have some answers. Until then, you're safe with me, I promise (PEYTON has put her whole uniform on while LUCAS was talking) PEYTON: You're always saving me (zips the side of shirt) Okay, you can turn around (LUCAS turns around to see PEYTON wearing her cheerleading uniform) LUCAS: (playful flirty-ness) Whoa (lies back on bed) is this, uh, you're way of saying (raises eyebrows) "Thank you" PEYTON: Nice try (taking earring off) a few of the cheerleaders have to be at Nathan's press conference LUCAS: (sits up) Oh, wow, I forgot about that ... wouldn't you be safer just to avoid the whole thing? PEYTON: (putting earrings on) No, I'm not gonna hide out 'cause of Derek, no way LUCAS; Well, actually I meant because Brooke might be there (PEYTON looks up) [DEB SCOTT (LEE) Residence-bathroom] (DEB is all dressed and brushing her hair in front of the mirror, she looks down at the sink counter and picks up the prescription pills, she stares at them a moment, looks away, stares at them once more then looks at herself in the mirror) [ROE Residence-Living room] (KAREN opens the door and HALEY is standing there, She walks in and smiles sadly at KAREN who hugs her sympathetically while closing the door, she closes her eyes knowing exactly what she's going through and they walk more inside the house) KAREN: (puts arm around HALEY) Welcome to my history, Haley James-Scott (HALEY sighs sadly) [City Hall-NATHAN's Press Conference Room] (People are standing around as some adjust TV cameras, LUCAS and PEYTON are about to enter until LUCAS' cell phone rings, he takes it out from his pocket and quickly reads who it is) LUCAS: (answers) Hello? ... WILCOX's OVER PHONE: Lucas, it's Detective Wilcox ... we picked up Derek LUCAS: (sighs relieved/to PEYTON) They got him (PEYTON looks sad mixed with relief) WILCOX's OVER PHONE: Would you come down to the station ... (Cut to Police department) WILCOX: ... I'd like you to give a formal statement (Cut to City Hall) LUCAS: Sure (looks around) um, (looks at PEYTON) I'm on my way (PEYTON waits to hear what he has to say as LUCAS hangs up) LUCAS: They want me to go to the station PEYTON: Should I go, too? LUCAS: No, you know what? I don't think so, um ... would you apologize to Nathan for me? PEYTON: Yeah LUCAS: I'll call you PEYTON: Why don't you just come by my house when you're done? LUCAS: (smiles) All right (They look at each other for a moment before PEYTON hugs him) PEYTON: Thank you (PEYTON hugs LUCAS a little tighter then lets go, looks at him and they smiles. He walks away and she watches him go) (Cut to NATHAN who has just arrived at the conference room, he stands at the entrance and looks around. RACHEL is talking to three cheerleaders and notices him, she says something to the girls and walks towards him) RACHEL: Are you all right? NATHAN: (shrugs) No, uh ... (fake smile) No wife, no mom RACHEL: Just lying bitches like me (smiles) ... (NATHAN looks down for a moment) I really wanted to help you, Nathan and most of the time ... that means s*x in my world (he chuckles) but that wasn't fair to you or Haley, plus, there's all this Cooper stuff that's gonna take years of therapy (deep sigh) ... How's Haley doing? NATHAN: (shrugs) She hasn't said it but I think she's as scared as I am RACHEL: She shouldn't be ... unlike the rest of us (smiles) this baby's gonna have two pretty great parents (NATHAN smiles) ... Good luck (RACHEL walks away and NATHAN just stares. The room goes into an applause and cameras flash, when NATHAN looks on the other side, DAN has walked into the room waving, he walks up to the podium where WHITEY is standing with a few other people. People are sitting with cameras in the back and the Cheerleaders to DAN's left and to the far right past WHITEY) DAN: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to City Hall. It's my pleasure to host this press conference not just as your mayor ... but as an awfully proud father (NATHAN listens) and now, without further ado, I'd like to ... (Cut to ROE Residence-Living room: HALEY and KAREN are sitting on couch watching the press conference) DAN ON TV: ... (v.o) present a young man with an enormously bright future (Camera turns to TV where DAN is, below it reads "Mayor Scott's son to play at Duke") DAN ON TV: ... My son, Nathan Scott (As the crowd cheers KAREN sympathetically turns to HALEY who smiles sadly and then looks back to the TV) (Cut to City Hall: NATHAN is walking up and shakes WHITEY's hand before heading up to the podium, when he heads to DAN they shake hands) DAN: (quietly) The greatest day of your life (nods) (DAN steps aside to the left) NATHAN: As, uh, many of you know, I called this press conference (people take photographs) today to announce where (teammates, who sit in the audience, listen) I plan to play basketball in college. I've had a lot of great offers but it's always been my dream to play at Duke University (Crowd cheers, PEYTON claps and RACHEL smiles. DAN looks at PEYTON for a second, smiling and WHITEY smiles as well) NATHAN: So, uh, that's--that's were I plan to go (NATHAN sighs then looks over at DAN as he and PEYTON listen) (Cut to ROE Residence-living room: HALEY watches) (Cut to City Hall) NATHAN: But (sighs) ... you know, my, uh, my father ... said that today would be the greatest day of my life (looks at DAN) and you're right, dad, it is (to crowd) but it's not because of basketball, you see, today I learned that my wife, Haley, is pregnant (The crowd murmurs, WHITEY looks at NATHAN, shocked. PEYTON looks at RACHEL who smiles at her) NATHAN: And while it's an absolute honor ... (Cut to ROE Residence-living room: HALEY watches, touched and teary) NATHAN ON TV: ... (v.o) to be recruited by Duke University (Cut to City Hall) NATHAN: I guess what I have to say to you today is this ... where I play basketball--if I play basketball (DAN looks upset) is no longer a decision for me to make alone ... it's a decision that I'll make with my wife ... (Cut to ROE Residence-living room: HALEY slightly smiles) NATHAN ON TV: ... (v.o) and my family's best interest at heart (KAREN watches HALEY) and when I do I'll let you all know (on TV bottom reads "Scott announces College choice") and my wife couldn't be here today so I just wanted to say one thing to her (NATHAN looks at camera so it can look like he's talking to her) (Cut to City Hall) NATHAN: Haley (view point of recording camera) no matter what happens, we'll face it together (NATHAN on podium) but I promise you this, I've never been happier (smiles) Everything's gonna be okay, I love you (Cut to ROE Residence-living room: HALEY has tears down her face) HALEY: (softly) I love you, too NATHAN ON TV: (v.o) Thank you (Cut to City Hall: Crowd cheers as WHITEY walks up to NATHAN and puts his arm around him like if he's telling him he's never been prouder of him. RACHEL and PEYTON clap and DAN just looks at NATHAN who looks at DAN like he knows he disappointed his dad because he knows that's not what "Dan Scott" would've done) [City Hall-NATHAN's Conference room-sometime later] (DAN sits there next to the podium, the room is empty and he puts his head down) [City Hall-DAN's Office] (DAN walks in to his dark office and when he turns on the lights he freezes because on the wall in bold red paint says "Genesis 4:10" he walks up to it and breaths heavily) DAN: It's all in your head [Tree Hill High-Quad-Night] (BROOKE and NICK are walking, holding hands) BROOKE: So are you enjoying the tour NICK: Almost as much as the hand holding BROOKE: Oh, good, we'll continue both ... this is Tree Hill High, where I-- (catches herself) used to be a cheerleader like, years ago NICK: Cheerleader, nice, any chance you, uh, still have your uniform BROOKE: You know, I think there's a pretty good chance I do NICK: Mmm, excellent BROOKE: What were you like, in High school? NICK: (sighs) Horny, mostly for cheerleaders BROOKE: (laughs) Well maybe we should get you back to high school NICK: Mmm BROOKE: Come on (BROOKE takes NICK to the school) [City Hall- DAN's Office] (DAN is at his desk, reading and writing, WHITEY walks up to him) WHITEY: You ought to be proud of Nathan today--puttin' his dreams on hold so history wouldn't repeat itself DAN: (turns page) He acted like a child WHITEY: No, Danny, he acted like a man (DAN looks up and WHITEY smiles, WHITEY looks at the wall for a second and starts to leave) WHITEY: (turns/looks at wall) I didn't know you were a religious person (DAN freezes in shock) Genesis four, ten (DAN looks at WHITEY and realizes it was not in his head, WHITEY smiles and leaves) [Tree Hill Police Department-Outside interrogation room] (LUCAS and DETECTIVE WILCOX are walking towards the Interrogation window) WILCOX: That number you gave us led us right to him LUCAS: Yeah, well I'm just glad he's not out there (DETECTIVE WILCOX points at the window to an interrogation room. Sitting, is a guy very different then PEYTON's DEREK, this guy is a black guy, REAL DEREK SOMMERS, a little older than them with two police men behind him and a detective interrogating him) LUCAS: (smiles) That's not him WILCOX: Son, that's Derek Sommers from St. Flora North Carolina (Inside it looks like REAL DEREK doesn't look to pleased as the detective tells him things that can't be heard) WILCOX: Same phone number as the on in the letter you gave us (Suspenseful music starts to play when LUCAS realizes what's been going on) LUCAS: (scared) That's not him (looks at D. WILCOX for a moment) Peyton (LUCAS runs out. DETECTIVE WILCOX looks at window) WILCOX: He's free to go (The two policemen pick up REAL DEREK who gets mad and pushes there arms away) [SAWYER Residence-Front of House-Night] (PEYTON has gotten out of her car as her phone rings and she takes it out to looks at it before she answers and starts heading for her house, scary music gets a little louder) PEYTON: Hey (Cut to Police department: LUCAS walks out of the building on the phone) LUCAS: They got the wrong guy! (Cut to SAWYER Residence: PEYTON is walking to the house away from her car) PEYTON: (smiles) What? LUCAS OVER PHONE: Derek! He's still out there! Don't go home! (PEYTON freezes when she realizes what LUCAS said, screeching violin sounds are heard as she turns around and DEREK is standing by her car, she gasps but tries to control herself) PEYTON: (fake smiles) Hey, Lucas, I gotta go I just got home and my dad's waiting for me, plus, Derek's here LUCAS OVER PHONE: No--no--no! wait, didn't you here me! (PEYTON quickly hangs up the phone and doesn't take her eyes off DEREK) PEYTON: (fake laugh) Hey, Derek (DEREK walks up to her) (Cut to Police department: LUCAS still on phone impatient) LUCAS: PEYTON! (runs down the stairs as REAL DEREK follows) PEYTON! REAL DEREK: Hey--hey--hey, I wanna talk to you (LUCAS looks at REAL DEREK for a moment then runs off) REAL DEREK: Hey--hey! (runs down stairs) Hey! (REAL DEREK watches LUCAS run off) [SAWYER Residence-Outside of house-Night] (DEREK is slowly walking up to PEYTON, he looks very upset) PEYTON: (smiles nervously) Look, you know what--I told you my dad's home now DEREK: No ... he's not PEYTON: (scared) Oh (PEYTON runs up to the door and tires to run in but the door is locked) DEREK: I locked it (PEYTON tries to grab her keys and open it, DEREK quickly runs up to her) DEREK: Peyton (DEREK runs up to stand behind her and he puts his hand on her arms a little below her shoulders and she screams as he smells her hair, sill behind her, he rubs his face through her hair and she stands still and terrified) DEREK: (eye's closed/mouth to her ear/desperate tone) Don't you know how much I love you (DEREK puts his face next to PEYTON's upper cheek and closes his eyes) PEYTON: (gasping) Oh, God (takes pepper spray out of her bag) look, Derek ... (PEYTON turns around and pepper sprays DEREK, he groans in pain and she grabs her keys and opens the door to quickly run in, she locks the door and he looks at it angry and pounds on door) DEREK: Uh, that wasn't very nice Peyton (Cut to SAWYER living room: PEYTON runs to the phone, falls to her knees and starts to dial) PEYTON: You better get out of here! (tears in eyes) I'm calling the cops! (DEREK by window looking in, his face is red from the spray) DEREK: I don't think so ... You see, you dropped your cell phone on the porch (PEYTON listens to the phone/scared) and the home line, well (PEYTON tries dialing) is dead (She puts the phone down) PEYTON: (crying) LEAVE ME ALONE! (DEREK moves away from the window for a moment, all of a sudden the glass on the window by the door breaks and you see DEREK's hand with his wife beater wrapped around it) (PEYTON screams in terror) (DEREK's hand turns open the lock and PEYTON stares with her eyes wide open as DEREK comes in, shirtless, he walks towards her and she scrambles off the ground) PEYTON: Oh, God! (PEYTON quickly runs up the stairs screaming in desperation and DEREK follows her with a psychotic look in his face. She runs to her Bedroom door and quickly locks herself in it just as DEREK's hand slaps the door. He pounds on the door as PEYTON stands in her room crying. She starts panting really hard when she sees her door is plastered with nothing but her pictures when she turns around, in all seriousness, her walls are all covered with her pictures [its honestly very disturbing] even in her closet and on her window, the bed is basically a bed sheet of her pictures, there is not one inch on the walls that isn't covered. PEYTON gasps harder and tries to open her window by her bed closest to the door but it's jammed and she hits it) (Cut to Outside PEYTON's room) DEREK: Don't you know were suppose to be together! (Cut to PEYTON slamming on the window impatiently) (Cut to DEREK pounding on the door) (Cut to PEYTON trying to lift the window up, crying as she hears the pounding, all of a sudden the pounding stops and she stays still. She quietly walks to the door and she puts her ear on the door) (I.M chimes on her computer) (PEYTON gets startled and on the computer screen is a message from "WATCHMEWATCHU" that reads "OPEN THE DOOR, PEYTON" she walks up to the computer and stares in terror to realize that it was DEREK all along. Another message pops up in the same window on the computer from "LUKESCOTT3" That reads "OPEN THE DOOR, PEYTON" another message from "WATCHMEWATCHU" pops up with the same thing and another one from "LUKESCOTT3" with the same thing. She starts crying out loud helpless and the door suddenly breaks open) (PEYTON screams) (WATCHMEWATCHU comes busting in and leans on the door, PEYTON's eyes widen when she sees the tattoo on his back of "AOD PEYTON" and his wife beater is bloody from the glass breaking, she cries again) WATCHMEWATCHU: Don't cry, Peyton, I'm here now (He walks up to her as she walks back towards her closet) WATCHMEWATCHU: I came here for you (He takes out a stun gun and it crackles. LUCAS runs in (yay!) but WATCHMEWATCHU's back is facing him. PEYTON moves back as LUCAS tackles WATCHMEWATCHU to the floor, they both fall and PEYTON screams and starts crying harder. Both the guys are wrestling on the floor and LUCAS manages to go on top of WATCHMEWATCHU and hold his hand that has the stun gun and punches WATCHMEWATCHU twice) LUCAS: RUN, PEYTON! (LUCAS tries to punch WATCHMEWATCHU again but he grabs him by the neck and tasers him in the neck, LUCAS gasps and falls to the floor, WATCHMEWATCHU continues to taser him over and over and LUCAS lies there in pain and helpless) PEYTON: LUCAS! (PEYTON runs to grab a lamp and smashes it in the back of WATCHMEWATCHU's head. He puts his head down but then picks it up like if nothing happened, he turns to PEYTON, very mad, she starts running and screaming but he chases after her, she bumps her knee and only manages to go out inches from her room until he grabs her by the legs and starts dragging her in the room, she cries and screams terrorized) PEYTON: No! Stop! (PEYTON goes on her back and tries to kick her legs loose, and cries harder. WATCHMEWATCHU picks her up by the back of her hair and she gasps and cries as he pulls her back into the room, slams her up against the side wall of albums and grabs her face and grunts as she continues to cry) WATCHMEWATCHU: I watched you, Peyton (PEYTON gasps) I listened to you (she tires to fight back tears) everything that you showed me on your web cam, the things that you shared with me online (he presses his face against hers and she cries out loud) you were talking to me, I know you were (PEYTON has her mouth open and WATCHMEWATCHU licks her upper lip, his thumb is a bit near her mouth and she grabs his thumb with her mouth and bites him, his bones crunch and he groans in pain. He holds her up by the neck and positions her to her bed, He head butts her and she falls to her bed on her back. WATCHMEWATCHU climbs on top of her and grabs her by both wrists with each hand. REAL DEREK comes up from behind and pulls WATCHMEWATCHU off of PEYTON and slams him up against the wall of albums, PEYTON scrambles onto the floor and hides on the opposite side of the guys, by her full length mirror and listens to the DEREK's fight) WATCHMEWATCHU: Who the hell are you?! REAL DEREK: I'm her brother, bitch! Who the hell are you? (WATCHMEWATCHU throws REAL DEREK up against the wall and starts kneeing him in the stomach over and over, when REAL DEREK holds his stomach in pain and is bending down, WATCHMEWATCHU hits him in the back and REAL DEREK falls to the floor. WATCHMEWATCHU walks up to PEYTON and picks up the stun gun which was right by her, his back facing REAL DEREK and LUCAS) WATCHMEWATCHU: (to REAL DEREK) It's been real good meeting you (WATCHMEWATCHU starts pushing the button so the electricity can crackle from the stun gun. LUCAS and REAL DEREK both start to awaken from unconsciousness) WATCHMEWATCHU: (mad) But there's only room (talks through teeth) for one guy in Peyton's life! (PEYTON stares at the stun gun in terror, and WATCHMEWATCHU looks at her. LUCAS stands) LUCAS: No way (WATCHMEWATCHU turns around and LUCAS with REAL DEREK charge at him and he falls out of the window by the computer, PEYTON sits gasping. WATCHMEWATCHU falls outside to the floor and turns over in pain. LUCAS and REAL DEREK watch and look outside the window to see him unconscious and the music returns to regular "One Tree Hill" broody music. PEYTON, with bruises on her face, quickly runs up and hugs LUCAS, scared and starts crying when she looks outside) LUCAS: Hey--Hey, It's okay (They all look at WATCHMEWATCHU) PEYTON: (notices REAL DEREK forces a small/weak smile) Who are you? REAL DEREK: I guess I'm your brother <Note: That is exactly what the WATCHMEWATCHU said in Episode 402 when she first met him> (LUCAS and PEYTON stare in shock, but PEYTON looks scared realizing the other one was a fake, she gasps as the three of them watch WATCHMEWATCHU) [City Hall-DAN's office] (DAN is sitting behind his desk with a bible in his hands) DAN: "And he said, what hast thou done, the voice of thy brothers blood crieth unto me from the ground" (DAN looks up, scared, and looks over at the wall that says "Genesis 4:10" then it moves over to his retired basketball jersey "33") [Tree Hill High-Dark classroom] (NICK and BROOKE are making out and BROOKE is starting to unbutton his shirt) NICK: (pulls away) Are you sure about this? I mean, other than a few e-mails we don't even know each other BROOKE: (smiles) I know, that's half the fun (NICK sits on something and he and BROOKE continue to make-out) [DEB SCOTT (LEE) Residence-Living room] (DEB is asleep on the couch and a blanket is placed over her. The camera moves up to show NATHAN lean from behind and look at her in disappointment, he stands and exits as DEB sleeps. Camera moves to a picture of DEB and NATHAN) [Tree Hill High-Dark classroom] (NICK is buttoning up his shirt and BROOKE starts walking to the door) BROOKE: Sorry, I've gotta go but you can probably find your way out NICK: (smiles) I want to call you, can I have your number? BROOKE: (smiles) No (NICK smiles) But you can e-mail me (NICK watches BROOKE leave then looks forward, obviously infatuated with her) [NATHAN and HALEY's apartment-Living room] (NATHAN walks in and HALEY stands there waiting) NATHAN: You know, I thought it was a miracle that I survived that accident. And I guess I never really felt worthy of it. Now I know that miracle wasn't for me, it was for us--all three of us (HALEY looks at him like that's the best thing NATHAN's said all day and walks over to kiss him) [Tree Hill High-Hallway] (PRINCIPAL TURNER walks through the hall just as NICK walks out buttoning up his shirt) TURNER: (upset) What are you doing in here? (PRINCIPAL TURNER looks at the door then back at NICK) NICK: I was just making sure I'm prepared for my first day (PRINCIPAL TURNER eyeing NICK as he walks towards him) TURNER: (chuckles) Relax, Nick ... you're a great teacher. I have a feeling the students are gonna love you (PRINCIPLE TURNER walks away to one side of the hall, NICK smiles and walks the opposite way) [SAWYER Residence-Front of House] (Police cars, lights on, are parked by PEYTON's car just as LUCAS, who has his arm around PEYTON, and REAL DEREK walk outside the front door) OFFICER: Police! (The officers point the lights to PEYTON, LUCAS and REAL DEREK who all put there hands up) PEYTON: (crying) It's okay, I live here (points) he's right out here (PEYTON walks to show the police were WATCHMEWATCHU fell but all she sees is broken wood and pictures, she quickly runs to it and so do LUCAS and REAL DEREK, who looks around) OFFICER: Where? (PEYTON is standing where WATCHMEWATCHU had fallen and landed but there is only broken glass. LUCAS hugs PEYTON as she looks at the floor horrified. REAL DEREK looks up to the broken window and so does LUCAS) (The camera cuts to the window point of view, there are four officers that make a circle pointing lights to the window, both DETECTIVE WILCOX and the interrogating Detective are in the circle of officers looking up, LUCAS is hugging PEYTON who is the only one not looking at the window, REAL DEREK has his hands in his pockets, looking at the window) (Fade out)

When Lucas discovers that Derek's interest in Peyton is more than brotherly, Derek becomes menacing. Haley feels Nathan slipping away when he receives a scholarship offer to attend Duke University. As rumors of Brooke's pregnancy spread, Rachel uses the Internet to set Brooke up on a blind date with an older guy. At Nathan's request, Deb tries to kick her pill addiction.

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_04x08

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_04x08_0

[Salvatore's House] (Damon wakes up and looks for Elena. She's in the bathroom) Damon: Elena? Elena: Hey (She jumps into in bed) Damon: Thought you might have left Elena: No. I don't have to be at school for... At least 20 minutes ago. What's that face? Damon: What face? Elena: That face Damon: I'm happy [Caroline's House] (Stefan is here) Caroline: This is a disaster Stefan: Look. We don't know anything for sure Caroline: Yes, we do. Elena is sired to Damon, which means her one singular burning desire is to make him happy, just like Klaus and his hybrids Stefan: No. It's not. A vampire sired to another vampire is one in a million. Maybe it won't affect her the same way [Salvatore's House] (Elena is kissing Damon's chest. She looks at him and smiles) [Caroline's House] Caroline: We already know it's affecting her. She's become Damon's lapdog. It's true. Everything he says, she agrees with. Everything he asks her to do, she does. We need to do something Stefan: Wait. No. Hold on. Caroline, this isn't gossip. You can't just drop this on her before we know what's happening for sure Caroline: I need to talk to Tyler, ok? Maybe he'll know what to do. All right Stefan: Talk to Tyler, but please don't tell anyone else. If this is true, then it may have influence Elena's every action and emotion since she became a vampire [A barn] (Adrian the hybrid is turning and screaming) Adrian: Please, no more. I can't Tyler: Yes, you can. Block out the pain (He starts to turn again but Kim intervenes) Kim: That's enough. This is torture Haley: Kim, stop. He needs to finish Kim: Not today, he doesn't Haley: Yes today. Nate, Dean, and Chris are all dead, which makes Adrian Klaus' right hand. We can't let Adrian anywhere near Klaus until his sire bond is completely broken Tyler: Haley is right. The bond isn't broken until he doesn't feel the pain of transformation anymore. If we want to get back at Klaus for everything he's done to us, Adrian has to keep turning Kim: He doesn't have to do anything. Isn't that the point of breaking the sire bond... Free will? Let's go, Adrian [Salvatore's House] Damon: I got it. Ahem. Scarf. What... oh Elena: Listen, Damon. We need to... Damon: No. No, no, no. Don't ruin it Elena: You don't even know what I was gonna say Damon: Well, I'm assuming it starts with, "what are we?" And then ends with going to tell Stefan Elena: He should know Damon: I know he should know. Just don't know when he should know it Elena: Well, he knows that something is going on between us. I mean, it's the reason that he and I broke up Damon: Yeah, but can't we just let ourselves enjoy one secret, selfish day before we destroy his? Elena: Maybe we shouldn't... Damon: No, Elena. This is our time. It's never been right before, and it's right now. Just one day. One day Elena: Ok. One day Damon: Yes! (She opens the door. Stefan's here) Elena: Hey Stefan: Hey Elena: See you in history? Stefan: Yeah. Listen. We need to talk (Stefan and Damon are in the living room) Damon: Sired? Really, Stefan? That is the most pathetic nonsense I've ever heard come out of your mouth, and you've said some crap in your day Stefan: It was your blood that turned her, right? I mean, she's been different since day one because of you. You can't deny that Damon: Sure I can. I finally got Elena to a good place about being a vampire. You two idiots can't stand that she's happy because of me Stefan: All right. You know what? Prove me wrong. Tell her it's ok to drink from a blood bag Damon: She can't. Her weird doppelganger body rejected the blood from the bag Stefan: Right, because you told her to. You said she had to drink warm human blood straight from the vein. She almost died to make you happy. Look. Just ask her to drink from a blood bag. Make sure you tell her how happy you'll be if it works, and if I'm wrong, I'll be the first to apologize Damon: When her body rejects this blood, which it will, your apology better be epic [Mystic Falls High School] (Elena rejoins Caroline and Bonnie at her locker) Bonnie: Elena, hey, is everything ok? Elena: Yeah. Why wouldn't it be? Bonnie: Well, Caroline told me you had to move out to stay away from Jeremy Elena: Matt is at the house staying with him right now to make sure he keeps all of his hunter stuff in control. He's ok Caroline: But are you? I mean, clearly, they don't have a flat iron at hotel Salvatore Elena: Oh. I was in a rush. I mean... look. Do you girls have any plans tonight? I'm in desperate need of some girl talk Bonnie: I'm in. Shane taught me some small spells I've been wanting to try Caroline: Oh, creepy Professor guy is just Shane now Bonnie: He's not creepy Elena: We're not judging Caroline: I am Elena: Don't listen to her. So girls' night? We can raid the Salvatore wine cellar Caroline: Are you sure that Stefan and Damon are cool with us crashing at their place? Elena: I can't go home because my brother is trying to kill me. So their place is mine now, too. I'll see you in a bit (Elena and Damon are in a classroom) Elena: You being here makes your selfish, secret day a little difficult, don't you think? Damon: Ha ha! Forget your lunch (He shows her a blood bag) Elena: I can't. You know I can't Damon: Well, last time you tried it, the circumstances were less than optimal, and I think maybe you should just give it another try, see if it works. I really think it will. Please... for me? (She takes it and drinks) Damon: You ok? Elena: Um... I'm fine. It tastes like blood. Last time, it was like hot garbage Damon: You sure you're ok? Elena: I'm better than ok. I mean, maybe last time, it was a bad batch or something. I can't believe this, Damon. I don't have to hurt people anymore. I have to get to class. Thank you [Whitmore College] (Haley is in Shane's office, looking for something. He enters) Shane: Trespassing, breaking and entering, all before noon? Haley: Having trouble breaking Adrian. Don't worry about it Shane: You already got the 12 hybrids I need Haley: We have 11. I told you, Tyler Lockwood isn't part of the deal Shane: Well, now there's 11 hybrids. You deliver me 12 without loyalties to Klaus, or your friend Tyler becomes fair game Haley: You haven't held up your end of the bargain Shane: Right. This is everything you always wanted to know about your biological parents, and it's encoded in case you're thinking of the smash and grab. Just bring me 12 unsired hybrids, and it's yours [Salvatore's House] (Stefan is on the phone with Caroline) Caroline: I talked to Tyler Stefan: And? Caroline: The sire bound exists because the hybrids are grateful to Klaus for relieving them from the pain of having to wolf out every full moon, and that's why they have to turn until they're not ruled by the pain anymore Stefan: Right, but Elena is not a werewolf. So what's the vampire equivalent? Caroline: Well, that's the problem. There isn't one (He hangs up) (Damon is in the library, looking for something. Stefan rejoins him) Stefan: What are you doing? Damon: Elena is sired. You were right. I was wrong. Happy? Stefan: No. I'm not happy, but what are we gonna do about it? Damon: Well, I'm working on it. Here. Remember that? Stefan: New Orleans Damon: 1942, to be exact Stefan: What was in New Orleans in 1942? Damon: Other that bourbon and beads, us, Stefan Stefan: Oh, yeah. What was the name of that girl you used to hang out with? Damon: That was no ordinary girl. That was Charlotte Flashback New Orleans, 1942 [A bar] Damon: She was crazy about me from the minute we met. So, of course, when she asked me to turn her into a vampire, I did (Charlotte rejoins Damon at the bar) Damon: Hi Charlotte: Hey Damon: So did you decide who you would like to have for dinner tonight? Charlotte: Him (She shows him the singer) Charlotte: He looks tasty Damon: That's a very fine choice, Miss Charlotte. I will go set that up. Now, if anyone tries to touch my drink, you show them no mercy, ok? (He goes to the singer) Damon: Drop by after your set. Come join us (Charlotte looks at him and smiles. A navy sailor spills Damon's drink) Charlotte: You spilled my man's drink Navy Sailor: Sorry. It's crowded in here Charlotte: That's no excuse Navy Sailor: Hey, take it easy, lady Charlotte: I'm not gonna take it easy (She kills him. Damon rushes toward them and catches him before he falls) Damon: What did you do? Charlotte: He touched your drink. You said show no mercy. I thought you'd be happy Nowadays [Salvatore's House] Damon: That was my first clue Stefan: She was sired to you, and I can only assume you took full advantage of that until you got bored of her, right? Damon: More like when she went all "fatal attraction" on me. Then I had to make a clean break Stefan: How'd you do that? (He gives him something) Stefan: Who's Val rie la marche? Damon: The witch that I found to help me break little Charlotte's sire bond. Pack your bags, baby bro. We're going to Bourbon Street (Elena gives a champagne bottle to Bonnie and one to Caroline) Elena: One for you, one for you Bonnie: I'm assuming this is for Caroline Elena: Actually, it's for me Bonnie: Oh, I thought... Caroline: Are you saying that... Elena: Thanks to Damon, I am now a functional dysfunctional vampire Bonnie: That's amazing Caroline: What do you mean, thanks to Damon? Elena: Well, he suggested that I try it again. So I did, and it worked. No more snatch, eat, and erase Caroline: So where is my least favorite Salvatore? Elena: "Out with Stefan for the night. Don't wait up. Brother bonding." Caroline: Hmm. So you guys check-in text now? What else do you do? Elena: I know that you're not the biggest fan, but he kind of just changed my life. Do you mind laying off on all the hate? Bonnie: Ok. New girls' night rule... No boy talks, yeah? Plus, why talk when we have this? Caroline: Is that stoner tea? Bonnie: It's spirit tea. It opens up your chi or whatever. Come on. It's not drugs. Shane is helping me do natural magic without having to access the spirits Caroline: Mm-hmm Bonnie: Don't judge Caroline: Ok. Fine. I hereby vow not to be judgmental for the rest of the evening. Even if you two are potentially ruining your lives as I stand idly by, it's your choice Elena: I'll drink to that [New Orleans] (The streets are packed with people partying. Damon and Stefan are walking) Stefan: Well, the city is the same, just brighter Damon: Have you been back here since '42? Stefan: Nope, not since I shipped off to join the war effort and you didn't Damon: Somebody had to entertain the ladies who had been left by their menfolk (His phone rings. He looks at it) Damon: Elena is at the house with the girls where she can't get in trouble. Bad news... think they got into the dom. Told her to make herself at home Stefan: Yeah. You told her, so she does, right? Damon: Sire bond is not that literal, Stefan Stefan: Really? Name one thing that you've asked her to do that you haven't gotten, huh? Damon: You know what I haven't gotten? Blame, guilt. I get it, Stefan. I get that you're pissed that Elena dumped you because she has feelings for me. Bet you blame the sire bond for that, too Stefan: Yeah. You know what? I absolutely do Damon: Why, because it's impossible to think she could have feelings for me? Stefan: No, because it's impossible for her to be so blind that she doesn't see how wrong you are for her (Damon leaves. Stefan catches up with him) Stefan: Hey, wait, Damon. I'm sorry Damon: What'd you say? Flashback New Orleans, 1942 [A bar] (Stefan and Lexi enter) Stefan: "I'm sorry I blame you for my bloodlust and for me becoming a ripper. It wasn't your fault." Do I really have to say it wasn't his fault? Lexi: Yes. Keep going Stefan: "You're the only brother I have, and I hope that we can be friends again." Lexi: Perfect. Now, just remember, we're here to talk to Damon, not to yell, not to dredge up the past, and most definitely not to pick a fight Stefan: That's the real trick, isn't it? Lexi: You've spent the last 20 years turning your life around. It's time to make nice with your brother (Stefan sees Damon at the bar. He rejoins him and taps him on the shoulder. Damon turns himself) Damon: You look like a guy I used to know Stefan: Hello, Damon Damon: Come to put a stake in my heart? Stefan: More like bury the hatchet (Lexi, Stefan and Damon are drinking at the bar) Damon: Egypt, ah. Finally gonna get to see the pyramids Stefan: Oh, I doubt I'll be doing much sightseeing driving an ambulance through the front lines, but... yeah, yeah... Egypt Damon: Think they have room for another driver? I could handle some war if it meant spending quality time with my little brother Stefan: Tell you what. I'll talk to my C.O (He leaves. Lexi gets closer to Damon) Lexi: You're not going Damon: I don't like you Lexi: In 1912, you pressured Stefan to drink human blood. He's been trying to put his ripper days behind him, but he needs to see death and blood and deal with them as a part of life. He needs balance, restraint Damon: What makes you think I'm not balanced and restrained? Lexi: The fact that you never have been. You think of what you want first, second, and third. Stefan is better off alone than in your company Damon: Well, I beg to differ (Stefan comes back with drinks) Stefan: To the Salvatore's in Egypt Damon: Cheers Stefan: Cheers Lexi: Cheers (Charlotte comes back with an unconscious woman) Charlotte: Damon... Did you forget you were supposed to meet us for dinner? Damon: Sorry. I lost track of time Charlotte: I brought you leftovers Damon: Charlotte! Lexi: Get away from him Damon: Stefan... Stefan. I... I... Stefan... Lexi: She's better off without you, too Nowadays [New Orleans] Stefan: I apologize, all right? As much as I hate this sire bond thing, I shouldn't take it out on you. It's not really your fault Damon: Well, don't get all warm and fuzzy on me yet. It's where the witch lived Stefan: What, you weren't expecting to find the same exact witch in the same place Damon: No, but since I couldn't remember where the store was, figured I'd get us a start Stefan: Maybe there's another place to start. You think Charlotte might be in New Orleans? Damon: Yeah, maybe Stefan: Where's the last place you saw her? Damon: Corner of Bourbon and Dumaine. Kind of told her to count every brick in every building in New Orleans and I'd meet her at the corner. I was gone by the morning Where you going? Stefan: Corner of Bourbon and Dumaine, see how literal the sire bond is [Mystic Grill] (Haley and Tyler are witching Kim and Adrian playing pool) Haley: They're gonna get us both killed, and we're just sitting here Tyler: Kim is right. The point of breaking the sire bond is being free. They don't have to listen to me Haley: Yes, they do, Ty. You can make them. Hybrids are werewolves first. Wolves run in packs, and every pack needs an Alpha, or they end up challenging each other for dominance. Kim is challenging your position as Alpha. You need to put her in her place... now (He gets up and rejoins Kim and Adrian) Tyler: Long day tomorrow, Adrian. You want it to go better than today, you need to get some rest Kim: Who do you think you are? Tyler: The guy telling you to call it a night. This could get a lot uglier right now, but I'm not gonna let it. Challenge me again, this conversation will end differently. You understand? Kim: Whatever you say Tyler: Finish your drink and get Adrian back to the stables. We'll meet you there (Kim leaves) Adrian: Where we going? Kim: To pick a fight [SCENE_BREAK] [New Orleans] (Damon and Stefan are walking) Damon: No way is she gonna be in the same spot after 70 years Stefan: So what are we gonna tell Elena? Damon: I was hoping we wouldn't have to tell her anything Stefan: Well, we can't just lie to her Damon: It's not a lie. It's an omission for the greater good Stefan: Oh, I see. I see. That's Damon speak for, "let's not do the right thing. Let's just do what's right for me." Damon: Oh, what about you, o selfless one? Are you doing what's best for Elena or what's best for you? Because it looks to me like the only reason you want to break Elena's sire bond is to restore her original factory team Stefan settings. I'm gonna go get a drink. Hunt me down when you stop being a dick (Damon is walking alone in an empty street. Someone runs into him and he falls on the ground. Stefan hears the struggle and rejoins him. He throws the girl off him. Damon gets up and they both look at her) Stefan: What the hell just happened? Damon: She kissed me (It's Charlotte) Charlotte: Damon, I always knew you'd come back for me. I must have counted literally every brick on every building in all of New Orleans Stefan: Literally every brick? Damon: Uh, Charlotte... Heh heh... Please tell me you had a full life and that you've done something other than counting bricks Charlotte: Of course I have. I'm not crazy Stefan: Then why are you still here? Charlotte: You know when someone breaks up with you and there's a song that reminds you of them, first, you hate it, but then it brings back all the good memories of them. Counting the bricks is my song, and I've been playing it for decades Stefan: That's a really long time stuck listening to the same song Damon: Yeah. Heh. Well, you know, in the plus column, you know New Orleans better than anyone in the world, which is really nice because we need your help finding someone [Salvatore's House] (The girls are dancing and drinking) (The girls are in Damon's bathroom. Elena is lying in his tub) Bonnie: Check this out... Vamp speed video Elena: I look like superman. Watch this: This year's Christmas card. Being a vampire is so weird. Oh, my God, I love this bathtub. Why don't we come and hang out here more often? Caroline: I'll tell you why. Cooties. Think of all the germ-ridden skanks that Damon has lured into his den of iniquity. Ok. I'm sorry. I've been good all night. I am stopping now Elena: No. Don't stop on my account. Rip away. It's only Damon, right? Caroline: Well, say what you want about ripper Stefan, but at least he wasn't a man slut Elena: So what exactly was it about him that made you jump right into bed with him as soon as you met him? Caroline: I didn't know what a sociopathic narcissist he was Elena: He's always been there for me when I needed him Caroline: Yeah, because he's hoping you'll sleep with him Elena: Well, maybe I did Caroline: You did what? Bonnie: You didn't Elena: Yeah. I did. Look. I know you two have issues with him, but I'm happy, and I wanted to spend tonight with my best friends so that I could tell them about it [New Orleans] (Damon and Stefan enter a store. A woman welcomes them) Woman: Can I help you, gentlemen? Damon: Hi. Looking for a witch. Sorry. No time for pleasantries Woman: I'm sorry. I don't understand Damon: Look... Nandi, is it? Let's skip the part where you pretend like you don't know what we're talking about. We need a spell that could break a vampire sire bond. Now, there was a witch here named val. Ring any bells? Nandi: She was my great-grandmother Damon: She had a grimoire, and it had a spell Flashback New Orleans, 1942 Val: The magic you're talking about is dark, powerful. Magic like this doesn't come cheap Damon: How much? Val: Money won't cut it here, pretty one. Dark magic draws power from dark places. Casting the spell you need requires the sacrifice of 12 human souls Nowadays [New Orleans] Stefan: A sacrifice? You brought me here knowing that the spell required a human sacrifice Damon: Well, I was hoping the recipe had changed Nandi: Look. There's no magic like that here. I sell herbs and homeopathic remedies and dress it up with a little witchy-woo for the tourists, but I don't practice Damon Ok, fine. Just tell us where we can find someone like your great-grandma who can break the sire bond and won't flake out on us like old Val did Nandi: There's no one. All of her stuff is gone... The grimoires, her journals. We lost it all during Katrina. If a spell like that ever existed, it's gone for good [Salvatore's House] (Elena is cleaning up. Bonnie and Caroline rejoin her) Bonnie: Elena, come here Elena: Party is over. You guys need to leave Caroline: Don't be mad, ok? We're just looking out for you Elena: Do you think it makes me happy that you guys hate him? I get it. His track record has been kind of spotty, but I don't hate him. I can't. He's... I think I'm falling in love with him Caroline: Ugh, you're not falling in love with him, Elena. You're sired to him Bonnie: What? Elena: What are you talking about? Caroline: I... Look. I'm sorry that it came out like that, but it's true. Damon's blood turned you. You couldn't feed from animals or blood bags because he told you so. Then he suggested that you try again with blood bags, and suddenly... Elena: There's no way. I... Bonnie: Are you sure? Caroline: Yeah. Ask Stefan about it. He can explain it better than I can Elena: I'm sorry. You talked to Stefan about this? Caroline: It's not your fault, Elena, ok? Damon took advantage of you Elena: Ok. You need to leave... Now Bonnie: Elena... Caroline: come on Elena: I said leave Kim: Hello girls. Stop. One bite from a hybrid, and she's dead, remember? Elena: Caroline [New Orleans] (Damon and Stefan are back outside) Damon: Witch is lying. Doesn't practice magic, my ass Stefan: Human sacrifice? Did you really think that I would go for this? Damon: Extreme circumstances call for extreme measures Stefan: Did you kill those 12 people in 1942? Damon: Absolutely, I did, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant a clean slate with Elena. Are you gonna help me good cop/bad cop this witch, or not? [The Woods] (Tyler and Elena are in the woods. Tyler is on the phone with Haley) Tyler: I get it, Hayley. I'll find them, and I'll get them in line Elena: Bonnie says no luck with the locator spell Tyler: They've got to be here. They're not dumb enough to risk getting caught by Klaus in town Elena: Well, what do they want with Caroline? Tyler: Kim is trying to prove she's the Alpha. If I can make her submit, the pack will fall in line, and we can finally get them free of Klaus. You'd think they'd play along with how much they hate him Elena: But Adrian doesn't, does he? I mean, he's still sired to Klaus Tyler: Being sired doesn't mean you feel differently about someone. I hated Klaus, but I still did everything he said. The bond affects how you act, not how you feel [New Orleans] (Stefan and Damon go back into the store) Nandi: What are you doing here? Damon: Calling you out. You're not Val's great-granddaughter. You're her daughter. You're 80 years old. You don't look a day over 50. You're a practicing witch Nandi: Get out of my store Damon: Give me what I want (She uses her powers on him) Nandi: I gave you a chance to leave with your life (Stefan enters) Stefan: Wait, wait, wait, wait. We don't want any trouble, ok? We just need your help. That's all Nandi: I told you, there's no one here who can help you. The kind of magic my mother practiced, it's unnatural. Witches don't even call it magic. We call it expression Stefan: Is that like black magic? Nandi: Worse. Channeling the power of human sacrifices calls on darkness that can't exist on this plane without swallowing it whole. She sold you a bill of goods about breaking the sire bond because she wanted access to that power, and you gave it to her when you killed those 12 people Damon: Are you saying there's no spell? Nandi: The bond can't be broken with magic. A vampire only bonds to her sire when she has feelings for him before she turns, human feelings. You want her free? You have to set her free. Tell her to live her life without you and never think of you again, to stop caring about you, and then leave her. That's the only way around the sire bond [A barn] (Kim is torturing Caroline) Caroline: Why are you doing this? Kim: To show Tyler who's in charge (Tyler and Elena enter) Tyler: Stop it. Stop it, Kim. Caroline is with us, all right? We're all on the same team Kim: She's on your team, not mine Tyler: Stop it! Stop! Adrian: Ease up, Kim. Klaus won't like this Kim: Huh, that's a very good point. Do you think he'll like this? (She takes a stake) Tyler: Kim, don't do it. I swear to God... Elena: No. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. If you really want to hit Klaus where it hurts, then torture me instead. He's fixated on keeping me alive. You want real revenge, or not? (She goes toward her and strangles her. But Tyler frees himself and puts his fist in Kim's chest) Tyler: I'll rip her heart out right now. Kim put you all at risk today, and I'm not gonna hurt her. I'm not Klaus. I don't kill and torture my own friends to get what I want. Now, we broke the sire bond, but if you want to be free, we have to work together. No one can step out of line. Now, you're either with me or you're against me. Submit. Submit, or you die [New Orleans] (Damon is with Charlotte) Charlotte: So you're just leaving me again? Damon: No. I need to get on with my life, and so do you Charlotte: I don't want to live without you Damon: If you want to make me happy, you will. You just forget about me. You'll never think of me again, and you'll find someone new, and you'll be happier than ever. Please just stop crying Charlotte: I'm never gonna be able to forget about you Damon: Yes. You are, and I'm never gonna be happy until you realize that you're never gonna have the life that you deserve if I'm in it. Good-bye, Charlotte. (He leaves) (He meets Stefan outside) Stefan: How'd it go? Damon: Set her free Stefan: Must've been hard, doing the right thing, especially when it's not something you want to do Damon: Get to the point, Stefan. You don't think I'm gonna be able to do what I need to when I have to tell Elena to stay away from me Stefan: Well, I mean, selflessness isn't exactly one of your most obvious character traits, Damon Damon: Yeah? Well, one of these days, you're gonna realize you don't know me half as well as you think Flashback New Orleans, 1942 [A train station] (Damon is in uniform. He enters the train station to put his bag with the others. Lexi comes out) Lexi: Damon... I know what you did, and you're not going overseas with Stefan. Do you understand me? Damon: Well, Uncle Sam begs to differ Lexi: You just killed 12 people Damon: How do you know they didn't have it coming? Lexi: Your brother has spent the last 20 years racked with guilt, fighting the temptation to drink human blood. He's serving in war as penance for the pain that he's caused. If he finds out what you did, he'll want to know how it is you function without guilt for the things that you do. He'll turn to you for guidance like he did before, and he'll become the ripper of Monterrey all over again Damon: I've pretty much been on my own since our little falling out in 1912. Did you ever think that I just need my little brother? Lexi: And that's why you can't go. It might be good for you, Damon, but it will destroy Stefan. For once, you need to put someone else in front of yourself. You need to let him go Damon: Good luck brother Nowadays [New Orleans] Stefan: I didn't know about that Damon: Yeah. Well, next time, I'll hang a billboard Stefan: I know it may seem like I'm being unfair about this, like I'm upset about losing Elena to you, and I am, but after all this is over, if she never feels the same way about me as she used to, at least it'll be her choice Damon: The dreaded c-word. I know what I have to do, Stefan [Salvatore's House] (Caroline enters. Elena looks at her and Caroline embraces her) Caroline: I'm sorry. Hey, if you don't start hugging me back, this is gonna get really awkward really fast Elena: You've got my hands pinned down Caroline: Oh (Caroline release her, they look at each other, smile and embrace each other) Caroline: I'm a jerk. I promise to never again judge ever Elena: Just please don't tell Stefan about me and Damon. I promise that I'll tell him. I just need to figure out some stuff first Caroline: Off course (Bonnie enters) Bonnie: You guys friends again? Thank God Caroline: Well, she saved my life, in spite of me being the nasty, bad witch Elena: Thankfully, we had our good witch. You know, your hottie creepy Professor really knows his stuff, Bonnie Bonnie: It's been baby steps, but he's helping with a whole new kind of magic. He calls it expression [Whitmore College] (Shane enters his office. Haley is waiting for him) Shane: You ever hear of a text message, maybe just give a guy a heads-up? Haley: Adrian finished breaking the sire bond. You have your 12 hybrids. Now, where are my parents? Shane: They're dead Haley: You lied to me? Shane: No. I didn't lie to you. I said I'd tell you where to find them. This is everything you ever wanted to know, including where they're buried Haley: You just picked a fight with a werewolf. You know that, right? Shane: Easy, killer, all right? I'm not declaring war here. Just because they're dead doesn't mean you can't see them again Haley: What? Shane: Oh, this is far from over, Haley. We are the beginning [Caroline's House] (Caroline and Stefan are in her living room) Caroline: You feel sorry for him? Stefan: Look. There's no other way to break a vampire's sire bond. As much as you and I both hate it, Damon does love Elena. Now he has to completely let her go. Can you imagine having to do that? Caroline: I'm sorry I told her, ok? I kind of didn't have a choice. All I know is, he better do what he's supposed to do Stefan: He'll do it. He's not as bad as he wants you to think. He'll do what he needs to do. He told me he would Caroline: Is that all he told you? Stefan: What do you mean? Caroline: Nothing. It's just... It's just... How can you trust him? Stefan: Because I think he loves her as much as I do. He can't be selfish with her, not anymore [Salvatore's House] (Elena is cleaning up. Damon enters) Elena: Hey Damon: Hey back Elena: How was your night? Damon: Awful. Yours? Elena: Same Damon: Elena, we need to talk Elena: I know that I'm sired to you, Damon. Caroline told me. That's what you and Stefan were doing, wasn't it? Is there a way to break it? Damon: Not exactly... This is why we need to talk Elena: Tyler told me the bond doesn't affect how I feel, just the way I act. My feelings for you haven't changed, Damon. Nothing has changed Damon: Everything has changed Elena Elena: Ok. Fine. Yeah. I mean, I've changed. So have you, Damon, and I'm happy, just like you were yesterday morning before we knew about any of this Damon: You know what would make me happy? To know that this entire time that I've been completely in love with you that what you actually felt for me was real Elena: It is real. I know that it is, Damon. I know what you're about to do. Please don't do this to me Damon: I don't want to do this, Elena. I'm not the good guy, remember? I'm the selfish one. I take what I want. I do what I want. I lie to my brother. I fall in love with his girl. I don't do the right thing... But I have to do the right thing by you (She puts his hand on her heart) Elena: Does this feels wrong? (She touches his face) Elena: Does this feels wrong?

After Elena and Damon wake up and continue where they left off the night before, Stefan arrives to the Salvatore house and approaches Damon with the suspicion that Elena is sired to him. Stefan advises Damon to ask Elena to try and drink from a blood bag again and see if she can keep it down, since he believes the only reason she can only drink straight from a vein is because Damon told her so. He tries and discovers that not only can she keep the blood down, she enjoys it. Damon decides to help Stefan investigate the sire bond in New Orleans, Louisiana hoping to find a former flame of Damon's who was also sired to him. While the Salvatore brothers are out of town, Elena, Caroline and Bonnie share a girls night, but an argument quickly ensues when Caroline starts criticizing Damon. When Caroline gets angry at Elena's stubbornness and her obvious devotion to Damon, Elena reveals that she and Damon slept together, which leads to Caroline telling Elena that she is sired to Damon. Meanwhile, at Hayley's urging, Tyler confronts one of Klaus's hybrids, Kimberly, and the situation quickly escalates into violence when the hybrids start fighting over who takes the pack-leader role. Kimberly then captures Caroline to try and prove that she is the leader. Tyler and Elena save Caroline, causing the other hybrids (including Kimberly) to accept Tyler as their leader. While in New Orleans, a witch tells Damon that the only way to break a sire bond is by telling the sired vampire to forget they ever existed and move on with their life. The witch also reveals that a vampire only becomes sired to their maker when they have human feelings for their maker before they are turned. Damon knows he has to do the right thing with Elena and decides to tell her to move on, but when he approaches Elena with this final instruction, Elena realizes that he wants to break things off and tries to convince him that her feelings are as real as she believes they are, and that the sire bond only affects the way she acts. Also in the episode, we find out that Professor Shane is teaching Bonnie a type of magic called "expression," which the witch in New Orleans called more evil than dark magic; that other witches don't even call it magic at all.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_07x02

fd_Gilmore_Girls_07x02_0

UNKNOWN ROAD [Luke is driving, checking a map, he pulls up to a building] BUILDING - INTERIOR [Luke goes in to an elevator] HALLWAY [Luke comes out of the elevator, looking for an apartment, knocks on the door, it opens and Christopher is standing there, Luke hits him] CHRISTOPHER: Ugh! Ugh! [Luke turns, gets back into the elevator and leaves] [Opening Credits] LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN [Lorelai is sitting at the table drinking coffee, she hears something gets up, sets some waffles cooking and pours a cut of coffee, then waits at Rory's bedroom door.] LORELAI: Morning, Rory. RORY: Please tell me you haven't been standing there all night. LORELAI: [speaking quitly] I love you Rory. RORY: Creepy. [hands her the coffee] Ooh, waffles? LORELAI: I got up early this morning. I thought, "what better way to pass time than make some of my famous homemade waffles?" RORY: I can't believe I forgot about your homemade waffles, seeing how famous they are. LORELAI: Infamous, really. RORY: So why'd you get up so early? LORELAI: Mm, well, couldn't sleep. And, initially, I was at a loss. How would I pass the time until my one and only offspring, the fruit of my loins... RORY: Too early. LORELAI: ...Loin fruit that she is, straggled out of bed to grace me with her presence? But then I asked myself, "W.W.T.B.F.C.D.?" And it came to me in a flash. "I'm gonna make waffles." RORY: "What would the barefoot Contessa do?" LORELAI: Exactly RORY: Barefoot's one word. LORELAI: Shut up, loin fruit. So, what? Are you just sleepy or has last night's "my boyfriend gave me a love rocket" elation worn off? RORY: It may have worn off a little bit. LORELAI: Why? What happened? The love rocket was making you swoon for Logan last night. RORY: I'm still plenty swoony. I just realized that the rocket doesn't mean I should be packing my bags for London. LORELAI: Why? What happened? RORY: Nothing happened, I just called Logan and I was like, "yeah, yeah. "Oh, I love the love rocket, you know? And I can't wait to come see you." And he was like, "oh, yeah, me too. Um, I'm gonna buy you a ticket for December." LORELAI: Oh, no. Did you tell him you want to visit him now? RORY: There wasn't really a point you know because I get it. He is starting his first real job. I mean, he needs time to adjust and focus and learn the lay of the land. I mean It's good that he's trying to be a grown-up. You no so now I'm trying to be a grown-up. So why am I gonna get all pouty because I don't get to do it? LORELAI: Hmm. [Toaster pops] Well, that sounds like a real grown-up talking. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: You know the one thing that grown-ups don't call themselves? RORY: What? LORELAI: Grown-ups. Huh they say "adults," and they pronounce it "ah-dults." RORY: It stinks! LORELAI: Oh, it really stinks. RORY: Stupid London! If he weren't in London right now, we would be on our Asia trip. I mean, I knew that it might not happen, but I hoped it would, and I just kept planning and planning and planning. [she gets up and goes to her room and bring back a pile of paper]. LORELAI: Wow. Were you planning on visiting Asia or invading it? RORY: Look at all this wasted effort. All this highlighter ink? Wasted. All of these sticky notes? Wasted. We were going to see the terra-cotta soldiers in Xian. And we were going to go to Peking for the opera and the duck. I want to see Tibet. I want to snorkel off the an Thoi islands in Vietnam. I want to see the crazy teenage fashions in the Harajuku district of Tokyo. LORELAI: Oh, wow. RORY: Stupid london! LORELAI: So, no Asia? RORY: No Asia. LORELAI: Well, I guess I got to go to stupid work. Here's one good piece of news. Lane called - she's back from her honeymoon. RORY: Oh, yay! LORELAI: She sounded kind of tired, which is good, I think. Tired after a honeymoon bodes well. RORY: My married friend Lane and her married husband Zach. Nutso. LORELAI: Hmm. Spoken like a true grown-up. Say "hey" to her for me. It's nice to have you home. RORY: Bye. LUKE'S DINER - EXTERIOR [Luke pulls up in his truck, it now has building supplies and tools in it, Luke starts unpacking things.] T.J.: Morning, Luke. You need a hand with this? LUKE: Thanks. T.J.: Sure thing. Just give me one second to savor this coffee. Ahh! So, how are you this lovely morning? LUKE: Just fine. T.J.: Hey, I got a coffee for you, too. LUKE: Thanks. T.J.: But then, as it became clear that you were most likely gonna be late, I didn't want it to get cold, so I drank it myself. LUKE: I wasn't late. T.J.: Who said you were late? LUKE: You did, one second ago. T.J.: Oh, no, I said you were mostly likely gonna be late, but it turns out you weren't. Who knew? Sounds like you need a little caffeine. What say you and I go over to the diner across the street and pick us up a nice cup of coffee? LUKE: Forget it. I'm fine. [Luke stop] What diner across the street? T.J.: This place - Kirk's. Great place. The owner's a real character and the coffee's fantastic. Come on, let me get you a cup, though maybe you ought to pay, seeing as I did pick us up the last round. KIRK'S DINER - EXTERIOR? [Kirk's is set up in the lawn across the street from Luke's with tables and a cooking area, Kirk is dress in flannel and a red backward baseball cap.] KIRK: Eggs sunny side up with a side of bacon. And who's got the scrambled with hashbrowns? Here we go. LUKE: What the hell is going on here? KIRK: Welcome to Kirk's. I'll be right with you. LUKE: What is this? KIRK: It's a diner, Luke. LUKE: A diner called Kirk's? KIRK: It's the name my mother gave me. Top you off there, Jake? LUKE: Why are you doing this? LUKE: I just saw a need, and I filled it. Seamed to me Stars hollow was in want of a real neighborhood joint, a watering hole where the townsfolk could mingle, a place where a fella could come and get a piece of pie, a cup of Arbuckles', and a soupcon of small-town charm. LUKE: Yeah, well, stars hollow has already got that place. It's right across the street. It's called Luke's. Luke's, ring any bells? Sounds a little like Kirk's doesn't it. KIRK: If you are suggesting that you were the very first person to think of naming a restaurant after yourself, I think that Denny, Arby, and Tony Roma might have something to say about that, not to mention Mr. Chuck E. Cheese. LUKE: Chuck E. Cheese is not a person. KIRK: Luke do you think a giant mouse opened a restaurant franchise by himself? LUKE: Look at this - French toast, pancakes, buttermilk pancakes. You stole my menu. KIRK: You did not invent pancakes, Luke. Anyway, I heard Luke's went out of business. LUKE: Luke's did not go out of business, Luke's is closed for repairs. And you want to know why it's closed? Because some nincompoop yesterday drove his car through my diner! KIRK: Would you care to step outside for a moment, Luke? LUKE: Outside? Outside what? [they walk "outside" and past a "no cell phone's" sign] KIRK: I think it would behoove you not to use slanderous language like nincompoop in my place of business, Luke, because, let me tell you, it is only out of the kindness of my heart that I am not suing the pants off of you. LUKE: Uh-hu you're gonna sue me after you crash a car into my diner and bust a giant hole in my wall? KIRK: For all you know I could have brain damage. LUKE: Oh, I'm pretty sure you do. You know what, Kirk? Go ahead. Sue me. Crash into my diner, make me lose a week's business, make me pay for the repairs, and then sue me for damages - for brain damages! That sounds fair! KIRK: Luke, calm down. I get where you're coming from. I think we can work something out. [He hands Luke a piece of paper] LUKE: What is this? KIRK: A job application. The way business is picking up, I'm totally gonna need a fry guy. What it sounded like your finances were kind of tight. If you came expecting a handout, you came to the wrong guy. I'm of the "teach a man to fish" school, Luke. [Luke crushes the paper into a ball and drops it on the ground.]U do not throw trash on the floor of a restaurant Luke. Not cool. DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN [Sookie is teaching Lorelai to cook] SOOKIE: Okay, this is easy. Put in your snow crab. Put in your avocado. You put in your cucumber. You mash it together And then you just roll it up. Slice it up like this, and voil. Or whatever they say in Japan. Arigato. LORELAI: Karate. It's those little coin shapes, just like in a Japanese restaurant. Arigato karate, babe. SOOKIE: Yep. Okay. I'm gonna make one more California roll, and then we can make your meat-loaf sushi. LORELAI: Yay, do you want to put suntan lotion in there? SOOKIE: Did you just say sun - oh! Of course. Calfo, California roll would have some suntan lotion in it. LORELAI: You're such a pity laugher. [tastes the food] Mmm! Good. SOOKIE: Good! LORELAI: So good! It's the best non-meat-loaf sushi I've ever had. SOOKIE: Ooh! What about fried-chicken sushi? LORELAI: With some slaw in it. That would be so good. Or chinese-food sushi. Or P.B.-And-J. Sushi. SOOKIE: Or, hey, dessert sushi. LORELAI: Oh, my god, that's genius. That is why you are the chef. That and because you're the one who can cook. So, um... hey, um... so I-I told him. SOOKIE: Told who what? Telling him that? LORELAI: Yeah. SOOKIE: Are you saying told Luke about Christopher? LORELAI: Yes. What did you think I was talking about? SOOKIE: I don't know. I'm hoping there's something that I forgot, like maybe you were debating on whether or not to tell Kirk the difference between antiperspirant and deodorant. You told Luke about Christopher? LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: I thought you weren't going to. LORELAI: I wasn't. SOOKIE: Oh, honey, why? LORELAI: Because Luke showed up at my house this morning with the truck fully packed, ready to elope. SOOKIE: Oh, god, he did? LORELAI: And he wouldn't take no for an answer, and so I had to tell him. That's the only way he was gonna believe me because it had to be no. SOOKIE: Did it have to be? I mean, did the answer have to be no? LORELAI: No. I mean, I guess I could be married right now to someone who doesn't want to be married to me and doesn't know that I slept with someone two nights before we got married. SOOKIE: Well, when you put it that way... must have been horrible. LORELAI: It was one of the most horrible moments of my whole life. SOOKIE: Are you okay? LORELAI: No. [Chuckles] I mean, no, not at all. I'm so very not fine, but what am I gonna do, you know? I have to be fine. SOOKIE: Oh, honey. LORELAI: Yeah. LANE, ZACH AND BRIAN'S APARTMENT - EXTERIOR [Zach comes out] RORY: Hey, Zach. So, the honeymoon's over. Is the honeymoon over? ZACH: What? RORY: How was Mexico? ZACH: Full of parasites. RORY: Oh, gee, that's no good. ZACH: The whole trip was a total fiasco. It was the Stones at Altamont times a billion. RORY: But you and Lane were so excited about it. From the way you talked, I was half worried you'd start a mariachi band. ZACH: Mexico sucks. And we were psyched. That's part of why it sucked so bad. I thought I found this amazing deal online. Right. Pedro's paradise. It all sounded good. The website said it had ocean views, its own kitchen, and a Jacuzzi. And nobody loves Jacuzzis more than me. Nobody. And then we get there, and it turns out Pedro's paradise is just this room in this dude Pedro's crappy apartment. RORY: No. His apartment? ZACH: 23 miles from the ocean, with a view of a billboard for Mexican nasal spray. RORY: So the website lied. ZACH: The kitchen we were promised - it smelled like Rice-a-Roni and was always full of Pedro's jerky friends listening to the devil's music, playing cards, and making snide remarks about us in code. RORY: Pedro's friends talked in code? ZACH: Well, Spanish, technically. Same difference. They knew I couldn't understand them. Pedro was evil, man. RORY: Man. ZACH: Anyway on the second day, I got some parasite, and I've been barfing Linda Blair style ever since. I'm getting better, but now it looks like Lane's got it. RORY: Oh no. ZACH: I'm heading over to Doose's right now to get some ginger ale and saltines, which by the way was all we ate in the way of Mexican food. RORY: Oh, I'm sorry your trip was so sucky. ZACH: Yeah, well, live and learn. Like, now I know not to drink the water in Mexico, which, by the way, somebody should really tell you. And I learned that I'm not morally against murder. I just wish I had the guts to do it. RORY: Well, I'm glad you didn't kill Pedro. I mean, he's not worth it. ZACH: Yeah, whatever. [Zach leaves] LANE, ZACH AND BRIAN'S APARTMENT - INTERIOR [Brian is playing a video game, Rory comes in.] RORY: Hello. BRIAN: Hola, Rory. RORY: Hola. LANE'S ROOM [Rory knock's on the door and enters] RORY: Hey, sicko. Oh, welcome home. I heard Pedro's paradise wasn't so paradisey. LANE: Mexico sucked. RORY: Oh. But guess who I heard it from - your husband. Can we not squeal about that? LANE: I don't really want to squeal. If you feel like squealing, go right ahead. RORY: Of course you don't feel like squealing. You're sick. LANE: I actually feel okay right now. My aversion to squealing is more emotional than physical. RORY: I'm sorry your honeymoon was such a bummer. LANE: On, like, the fourth day, Zach got so paranoid that Pedro and his friends were talking lasciviously about me in code that he lunged at Pedro - leapt at him from behind the door. Luckily, Zach was so weak from parasites that he missed - just flopped to the kitchen floor like he was a pancake someone threw across the room. RORY: People throw pancakes? LANE: I just stared at him lying on the floor and thought, "I just married that man." RORY: And you didn't squeal for joy. LANE: Nope. I went into the other room and stared at Pedro's poster of Spuds McKenzie hanging 20 and ate my 20th saltine of the day. RORY: The whole trip sounds kind of rough. LANE: Oh, you have no idea. What I just told you are the highlights compared to the real stuff. RORY: No. What? LANE: We can't talk here. The walls have ears. RORY: And giant sombreros. LANE: And big mouths. Let's go for a walk. RORY: No your not feeling well, you should take care of yourself. LANE: I'm feeling all right right now, actually. Um besides I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and if I start to barf in public, you could just pretend we were partying too hard. RORY: Which would do wonders for my rep. All right, Mrs. Van Gerbig, let's blow this popsicle stand. LUKE'S DINER - EXTERIOR [Luke and T.J. are working on the damage] T.J.: Okay. So tell me, what are we thinking about here? LUKE: Well, the basic idea is to fix the giant hole. T.J.: Yeah, but how? I've been thinking about it. I know I got a couple ideas about a log-cabin thing. I think what might really be nice is a giant stained-glass window. LUKE: Yeah, I don't think so. T.J.: Don't rule it out so quick. I can picture what you're picturing, like with all scary religious pictures. But it wouldn't have to be a bloody crucifixion. Or nothing it could just be an image of a happy animal. I don't know, a smiling penguin or... or perhaps a peaceful-looking giraffe. LUKE: You think I should put up a stained-glass window of a peaceful-looking giraffe on the side of my diner? T.J.: I'm just spitballing. Nothing's written in stone. LUKE: Oh, well, that's good. T.J.: How about diamond shapes? LUKE: You know what, T.J.? Why don't we get to work? T.J.: You're in a bit of a mood. LUKE: I'm not in a mood, damn it. T.J.: Okay! I'm sorry I said anything. I won't say anything else. LUKE: You know what, T.J., Forget it. I'm sorry. I really appreciate the help you're giving me. I know it was last-minute. Okay? T.J.: No problem, buddy. What are brother-in-laws for? Actually... I'm glad for an excuse to be out of the house. Because being pregnant makes liz incredibly horny. LUKE: [getting mad and annoyed] T.J. T.J.: Yeah, Luke? LUKE: Can we not talk about my sister's sexuality? T.J.: Oh, yeah. Well, sure. I guess it's something about all those hormones racing around in there. You should totally knock Lorelai up, though. LUKE: T.J. T.J.: What I'm not talking about your sister. I'm talking about your fianc e. I got a feeling pregnancy would make Lorelai particularly randy. LUKE: T.J.! T.J.: Just think how cool it would be if we raised our families together. You should get started now, though. LUKE: Right. T.J.: So how many kids you guys want? LUKE: You know what I think I'm gonna go get the primer. T.J.: Now? LUKE: Yeah I'm just a.. worried about the hardware store running out 'cause you know, it's the priming season. T.J.: Good thinking. LUKE: Yeah be right back. T.J.: See you in a bit. TOWN SQUARE - GAZEBO LANE: So, now I know. RORY: Know what? LANE: That it's bad. It's terrible... s*x. RORY: Oh. No. s*x was bad? LANE: You can drop the act, Rory. It's okay. I've known the real deal about Santa Claus for years. Now I know about s*x. RORY: Lane... LANE: You know what's funny? I really thought my mother was being an insane prude when she said that s*x was horrible for women. But now I can see that, in fact, my mother was the only woman who wasn't willing to maintain this ridiculous, pervasive, media-supported charade. RORY: What ridiculous, pervasive, media-supported charade? LANE: That s*x is normal. That s*x is a wonderful part of life. That s*x is sexy. I mean, can we just not admit it? s*x is not sexy. s*x is horrible. RORY: s*x doesn't have to be horrible. LANE: In a way, I'm impressed with the depth of the conspiracy. If you think about it, it says something about the potential power of women that the entire gender could collude in creating the "s*x is sexy" myth. RORY: So s*x with Zach was bad? LANE: Unbelievably bad. RORY: Every time? LANE: [Chuckling] Yeah, right. Every time. RORY: You only did it once. LANE: That's right, and I'm out. RORY: Well, the first time can be weird. My first time definitely had its weird aspects, but it gets better. It gets good. LANE: Um, sorry. I just don't believe you. RORY: Um...okay. You have to walk me through what happened. I mean, not graphically, but help me out here. LANE: Okay. So we decided that, for our first time, since it was such a big deal and everything, since we've been waiting and waiting and god, if I'd known what it was going to be like, I would have gladly kept waiting. But anyway we decided to re-create the scene in "From Here To Eternity." RORY: Wow. Ambitious. s*x on the beach. LANE: Anyway, the whole thing was a disaster. Because you know what movies don't tell you? That sand is basically dirt. It was dirty. It was cold. My hands were shaking. I'm trying to remember stuff about condoms and bananas. And then suddenly I realize, we got crabs, live ones that are scuttling all over us. Zach starts freaking out because, apparently, he's afraid of shellfish. And it's getting colder and dirtier. And at some point, this pervert with a snorkel mask appears out of nowhere. And I'm thinking, "we took three buses from Pedro's apartment for this." RORY: Oh, Lane. LANE: Yeah, just talking about it makes me feel sick and queasy. RORY: Well, you are sick and queasy. You have a parasite. But, okay. Once you feel better, you should try s*x again indoors in a bed. LANE: I'm open to the idea of a sexless marriage. I mean it happens for some people, eventually. Why wait? RORY: Try a bed first. Seriously. You would not believe what a comforter can do in this kind of situation. LANE: Hey, aren't you supposed to be in Asia right now? How come you're not traipsing around Thailand with Logan? RORY: Um, Logan's job started. He's far, far away in London. LANE: You're lucky. RORY: Yeah. STARS HOLLOW - STREET [Luke and Lorelai see each other across the street near the newsstand, Luke has pain cans and Lorelai has some shopping, that walk to each other, and as they pass each other] LORELAI: [Sighs] Sorry. LUKE: Oh. Don't worry about me. I'm fine. LORELAI: Are you fine, really? Because, I mean, you don't have to be fine. Because this is really weird and really hard and... [Chuckles] I'm not exactly fine. LUKE: You're not? LORELAI: Of course not. LUKE: Well, that's too bad because I am. I'm fine. LORELAI: Well...okay. LUKE: You know maybe you should punch Christopher's lights out. That seemed to do it for me. LORELAI: What? LUKE: Oh, so your boyfriend didn't tell you. Hu. LORELAI: You punched Christopher? LUKE: You two need to work on your communication Skills. LORELAI: Oh, stop it. LUKE: What. LORELAI: Christopher is not my boyfriend. LUKE: I don't care if he is. I mean, you know you can date whoever or whatever you want. I couldn't care less. I'm fine. LORELAI: Okay, fine. Well, if you're so fine, the next time you get a hankering to punch someone, don't, okay? If you need to take your anger out, on someone take it out on me. I'm the one you're mad at. I'm the one who deserves it. LUKE: Look, you're the one who's still hung up here. I'm telling you, I'm over it. I guess it's just not as big a deal to me as it is to you. LORELAI: Oh, it's not as big a deal? LUKE: Yeah, so we're not getting married. It's okay by me. I mean you're the one who proposed in the first place. [Lorelai has a shocked look on her face] LUKE'S DINER [They are painting] LUKE: It looks good. T.J.: If you say so. It's no Sistine chapel. LUKE: Well, that's true. T.J.: It's no Taj Mahal. LUKE: No it is not the Taj Mahal. So, look, the window guy's coming by tomorrow, and he and I are gonna put it in, so... after this coat, you're free to go, okay? And thanks for the help. It really looks good. T.J.: You sure you don't want any? LUKE: No, I'm sure. T.J.: You stop drinking beer? LUKE: No. T.J.: It makes you bloated, but to me, it's worth it. I'm psyched Kirk's got a liquor license. LUKE: Uh-huh. T.J.: How come you quit drinking beer? LUKE: Whoever said I quit drinking beer? T.J.: You know what I like? Drinking beer outside. I don't know maybe it's 'cause I grew up watching my dad drink out behind the tool shed, and it's got this romantic image for me. But that's my thing. LUKE: Your thing is drinking beer outside? T.J.: Beer outside is the greatest. Oh, except for at ice-skating rinks, of course. LUKE: Of course. T.J.: Yeah, there's something about the way the Zamboni exhaust mixes with the beer that's really just out of this world. Speaking of which, guess what I just got - tickets to the Hockettes. You know the Hockettes, the ice-skating girls? They're amazing. They do everything the Rockettes do, only they do it with ice skates on. LUKE: Oh, that's great, T.J. T.J.: And guess how many tickets I got. Four. And who did I think might like to go with me and Liz? President and Mrs. Bush. [Luke laughs] Just kidding. You and Lorelai. LUKE: Oh, I, gee. I don't... think we can make that. T.J.: Come on! When's the last time we all had a wild night out? LUKE: Yeah, you know, I think I'm doing something that week. T.J.: Man, that sucks. LUKE: [grumbles] Yeah. T.J.: Wait, which week? LUKE: Uh, the week of the Rockettes. T.J.: Which is which week? LUKE: The week they're here. T.J.: They're in town a whole month! And I'm fully willing to switch my tickets for whichever night is best for you guys. LUKE: Yeah, I don't - I don't think so. T.J.: Come on. LUKE: I... Lorelai and I... broke up. T.J.: Oh... Oh! [He rushes in and gives Luke a big bear hug] LUKE: Gee, T.J., Okay! T.J.: It's okay, buddy. It's okay. Let it out. There is no shame in experiencing pain. LUKE: I'm having trouble breathing. T.J.: You are coming over to dinner tonight with me and Liz. [SCENE_BREAK] LORELAI'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR [Rory enters carrying shopping, she see the living room decorated in and Asia theme, Japanese rock music plays] LORELAI: Hello, honorable Rory-san. RORY: You've made Asia for me? LORELAI: Mm-hmm. Here's your kimono, honorable Rory-san. RORY: Thank you. You made crazy Asia. LORELAI: Well, actually, believe it or not, but this is an exact replica of Japan, China, Vietnam, Cambodia, Hong Kong, Korea, and any other Asian countries that might have slipped my mind. This is exactly what you would see in the other Asia. RORY: The one that's not in our living room. LORELAI: Yeah, the old Asia. The first attempt, I like to call it. The prototype. RORY: Asia's a lot smaller than I thought, more intimate. And more fragrant. LORELAI: Yes well, Miss Patty donated a bottle of her opium perfume, and I spritzed it around a little. RORY: A little. LORELAI: Well, little at first, and then I tripped on my flip-flop and broke the bottle. RORY: Asia's so pretty. I love all the lanterns and the poster of Mao. Very nice. And one of Sandra Oh. Oddly, you have a poster of Sandra Oh. LORELAI: Well, she's a goddess. And those aren't posters. They're billboards. You've lost perspective. RORY: Ah. I see you Feng Shuied the furniture. LORELAI: Because it was so Unfeng Shuied before. It was ridiculous. Here [hands Rory a camers] to document our journey. RORY: Xie xie. LORELAI: Oh, god bless you. RORY: That's "thank you" in mandarin. LORELAI: I knew that. Just testing you. Perhaps I shall outline our itinerary. RORY: Perhaps we shall. [Rory takes a photo of Lorelai] LORELAI: Oh...All right, well, first stop is Japan, land of the rising sun, ruled by hello kitty, where we are gonna make our own sushi. RORY: You, me, and raw fish? Is that safe? LORELAI: Well, I took a lesson, and if you're really nervous, then we can skip the Fugu. After we're stuffed with sushi, we will take an invisible Rikshaw to the rice paddies, I.E. Your room, where we will spend hours Origamiing. RORY: [Gasps] Paper cranes! LORELAI: Yeah, and paper bulldozers and paper dump trucks and whatever else your little heart desires. Then, we'll take a bullet train straight back to Tokyo where we'll relax with some tai chi in preparation for the kabuki play I wrote. RORY: Tai chi's actually chinese. LORELAI: Duh. I know that. We're gonna teach it to the Japanese. RORY: That's nice of us. LORELAI: We're very nice that way, alright so, finally, we will conclude our journey with some fortune cookies and dessert sushi. RORY: Dessert sushi - I do love Asia. LORELAI: Hmm, and that will be followed by an educational video, which includes, but is not limited to, "Bridge On The River Kwai," RORY: Aw... LORELAI: "The Joy Luck Club," "Karate Kid," "Shanghai Surprise," The Bruce Lee classic "Enter the Dragon," the Tom Selleck classic "Mr. Baseball," and or "Breakfast at Tiffany's." RORY: "Breakfast at Tiffany's"? LORELAI: Starring Mickey Rooney in his tour-de-force racist performance as Holly Golightly's Japanese landlord. RORY: Oh, yeah, he's so bad. LORELAI: All right, let's make some Sushi. But I'm scared. Oh, I'll let you in on a secret. The fish is really fried chicken. LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [The girls are watching a movie] LORELAI: You are honestly asserting that you like the "Tootsie-roll marshmallow Twizzler" roll better than the "butterfinger junior mint chocolate-chip jujube" roll? RORY: Hey call me crazy. I don't think butterfingers go with jujubes. LORELAI: Crazy. The limitations of your palate astound me. RORY: Hey, I liked the "Oreo red hot" sashimi. LORELAI: Me too. RORY: See, I'm not a hater. LORELAI: Did you notice how the red hots acted as a dessert-Sushi Wasabi? RORY: I did, which is something we should remember when we go to mass-market these. LORELAI: I am telling the invention of dessert Sushi is gonna make us our first million. RORY: And our second. LORELAI: I'd like our third to be go-go dancing. RORY: Sounds like a plan. Hmm, I'm not following this plot. LORELAI: Okay, um... in the last scene, there was a sign that said, "no shirt, no shoes, no service." And this guy, shirtless guy, is angry about that - angry. And he's like, "no, I'm not gonna wear a shirt! I hate shirts!" and that pissed those other guys off. Hey, you know what would be amazing and really Asian? Fried ice cream. RORY: Oh, cows must envy your stomach. LORELAI: They do. I'm so full, I can't move. I feel like one of those cats that's bred to have no legs. LORELAI: Oh don't get me wrong - my stomach's ready to explode. This is not a physical hunger. It's more of a spiritual hunger. RORY: For fried ice cream. LORELAI: Yeah, it's an eastern-philosophy thing. You wouldn't understand. [get up and goes to the kitchen, Rory is on the couch still.] So, how do you think one actually goes about frying ice cream? RORY: Probably in a frying pan. LORELAI: Uh-oh.h. Bit of a situation here. RORY: What? LORELAI: We are out of ice cream. [The phone rings] RORY: I'm a cat with no legs. LORELAI: We can't answer it. We're out of the country. No ice cream. Unbelievable. One time I feel like cooking there's not ice cream to fry... [Answering machine beeps] CHRISTOPHER: [On the phone] Lor, hey, it's me. Just still trying to reach you. Arr sorry I missed your call before. I wasn't calling about that whole "Luke hitting me" thing. I don't care about that. I just want to talk to you. I want to talk to you about the other night. You said it was just a one-night thing, but I want to talk about it, and about you and me, so... call me so we can talk. Okay. Bye. [call ends] LORELAI: So... RORY: You slept with dad. LORELAI: Yeah. I did. RORY: You slept with dad. Um, that's just... I can't believe you slept with dad. Is that why you and Luke broke up, because you slept with dad? LORELAI: No, honey. No, I... believe me, no. Um, Luke and I had broken up before. RORY: For how long? I mean it couldn't have been long. You and Luke have only been broken up for three days. LORELAI: Yeah, it was that night. RORY: The night you and Luke broke up. Wow. So you just rushed right over there the minute you were free, huh? LORELAI: Rory. RORY: Sounds like you were in quite a hurry did you put a dummy in the passenger seat so you could use the car-pool Lane? LORELAI: Rory. RORY: What you didn't think of it? In too much of a rush I guess. I hope you buckled your seat belt. You're supposed to buckle your seat belt even if you're in a rush. LORELAI: Hey, Rory... RORY: no, don't "Rory" me. You don't get to "Rory" me. You slept with dad. LORELAI: Yeah. I-I-I...I know. RORY: Are you and dad an item now? LORELAI: No, it was nothing. I mean, it... it had nothing to do with me and Luke. What happened between me and your dad was nothing. It was nothing. RORY: Mom, you slept with dad. LORELAI: For the love of god, will you stop saying that? RORY: No I can't stop saying it because it happened. And you're trying to pretend like it didn't. LORELAI: I'm not perfect, okay? People make mistakes. I mean, Gwyneth Paltrow dyed her hair that dark brown. It was very unflattering. If she's not perfect, how do you expect me to be? RORY: Yeah, because what you did is equivalent to dying your hair. That's great. Things were finally good between you two and between me and dad. Did you not care that things were really good between me and dad? I mean do you not want us to be close? Did you mean to ruin that? LORELAI: No! God, no! I love that dad's been good and that things with you and dad have been good. I...I was hurting. I was heartbroken. And...it happened. I slept with your dad. It's over now, and it was a mistake. RORY: I can't believe you didn't tell me this. I mean, first of all, you say you don't want to talk. So I figure you're going through some hard emotional time and you need some space. That's fine but what you didn't tell me is that you slept with dad. No, instead you're going around joking about, you know, origami and marshmallow sushi, like I'm some idiot 5-year-old. LORELAI: Rory, I was gonna tell you. I just wanted... RORY: You know what, mom? If you're heartbroken, rent "An Affair to Remember," have a good cry, and drown your sorrows in a pint of ice cream. You get a hideously unflattering breakup haircut. You don't sleep with dad. [Rory leaves] LIZ AND T.J.'S HOME T.J.: Honey, we're home. LIZ: Hi. T.J.: [kisses Liz and her belly] Keep your hands off me, you s*x maniac. LIZ: Oh, big brother, I'm so, so sorry. LUKE: Aw, thanks. LIZ: Come in, come in. Make yourself at home. Dinner's still in the oven, so we have time to have a cocktail here and talk. T.J.: Cocktail hour. Pretty swanky stuff, huh? LUKE: Very. LIZ: Sit, sit. LUKE: You should be the one that's sitting. LIZ: I'm fine. T.J.: She's fine, plus, it's good for her to move around. Keeps all those hormones circulating so they don't settle in one place, if you know what I mean. LIZ: [hands Luke a drink] White Russian. [then T.J.] T.J. T.J.: She's trying to liquor me up. I can see where this is going. LUKE: It better not. LIZ: We're really into White Russians recently. T.J.: It's our thing. LUKE: Yeah. LIZ: Of course, mine's a virgin. T.J.: Ironically. LIZ: Just cream. So... I'm ready to talk. LUKE: Oh, you know, it's really okay. I don't need to talk. It's just nice to be here. LIZ: So was it Anna? LUKE: What? No. It wasn't Anna. LIZ: You sure? LUKE: Look it wasn't Anna, okay? Lorelai and I just broke up, and I'd really rather not talk about it, so... if you don't want to talk about something else, let's sit here and drink our White Russians. LANE, ZACH AND BRIAN'S APARTMENT [Rory comes in] RORY: Lane? Lane? LANE: I'm in here. RORY: Is Zach or Brian here? LANE: No. RORY: Sorry I didn't call first. I don't know the protocol for married friends. I just had to get out of my house. If I were there for one more second, I think I would have had to karate-chop my mom. I swear, just chopped her in half. I guess I...[she sees Lane sitting on the floor] Lane, are you okay? Did the doctor say you have a parasite? LANE: In a manner of speaking. [Sighs] I'm pregnant. RORY: Shut up. LANE: I'm pregnant. RORY: You're not. LANE: I am. RORY: No. LANE: Yes. I went to the doctor and he told me. I'm pregnant with a baby. RORY: No. LANE: Yes. RORY: Wow. LANE: Yeah, wow. RORY: Oh, my god. Wow. Wow. How did Zach take it? LANE: He didn't. I haven't told him yet. I haven't told anyone. I just came back here and sat here, pregnant. RORY: You're not. LANE: I am. RORY: Really? LANE: Really, I guess the combination of salt water and seaweed and discount Mexican condoms and terrible, terrible s*x leads to a baby. RORY: A baby. LANE: A baby. s*x sucks so bad. s*x sucks worse than I thought. RORY: You only did it one time, and - wow, a baby. LANE: That's what you get, folks, for making whoopee. RORY: You're going to be a mother. LANE: When the doctor told me, I started throwing up. RORY: Well you had morning sickness. LANE: This was a different kind of throwing up. This was the kind of throwing up that you do when you have to do something that you can't do. RORY: You're going to be a great mother. LANE: Maybe someday, but not now. I have a picture in my head of me as a mother. You know, I can imagine it, and in that picture, I'm wearing a skirt and heels, and my hair is up in a bun. I'm pushing one of those fancy British baby carriages that are called silver surfers or something. RORY: Very Madonna in her British-mommy phase. LANE: When I'm a mom, I'll be calm and wise and have my act together. I am not calm and not wise, and I really, really don't have my act together. RORY: You don't have to wear heels and push a pram to be a mother. LANE: A pram! See? I didn't even remember the word pram. Mothers know the word pram. RORY: Mothers don't have to know the word pram. LANE: Yes, they do! They have to know all sorts of things. They have to know what to do when your baby is crying and how to change a diaper and how to use your wrist to test if the bottle is too hot. Why the wrist? I don't know. I have no idea. RORY: Um, I think because it's handy, no pun intended, and um it's sensitive. Wrists are sensitive. LANE: It's just one false move, one misstep, and I'll ruin it. I'm still making mistakes, Rory. Example "a" - I'm pregnant. I can't be making mistakes when I'm a mother. I'm not the person I need to be to be able to do this. I'm not perfect yet. I'm so not perfect. RORY: You don't have to be perfect. I mean, even Gwyneth Paltrow makes mistakes, like "Shallow Hal" and that other movie that nobody saw where she played a stewardess. So who's perfect? Nobody. Not even mothers. LANE: Yeah...I'm scared. RORY: I know you are, but you can do this. First of all, you are great. And second of all, you have nine long months to study about bottles and wrists. LANE: That's true. RORY: And, already, you are way ahead of a lot of people as far as parenting skills go, like Britney. Britney Spears does not know which end of a baby goes up. And Courtney Love? She's no June Cleaver. LANE: Yeah I bet I could be a better mother than Courtney Love. RORY: My sock drawer could be a better mother. But, yes, of course you would be. And Michael Jackson - you know not to name a child "blanket." LANE: I do know that. Do not name your baby after an inanimate object. RORY: See? Way ahead of the pack. LANE: Yeah. Hey... I wonder if um blanket ever met Tom and Katie's baby, Pillow. RORY: Yeah, that would be a perfect play date. LANE: Yeah, when it's nap time, they would be totally set. RORY: And then they could invite Gwyneth's Apple over afterward for a little snack. LANE: Banjo, Rachel Griffiths' baby, could play for them. RORY: And then they could all jump in Mia Farrow's Satchel and make fun of, uh... what's his face? LANE: Oh, Pilot Inspektor Lee. RORY: Yeah. [They giggle] LIZ AND T.J.'S HOUSE LIZ: Little more time, looks like. T.J.: Can I set you up with another White Russian there, Luke? LUKE: One was plenty, thank you. LIZ: I can't believe it's not ready. I thought for sure it'd be ready by now. I'm so sorry, Luke. You must be starving. LUKE: Don't worry about it. LIZ: Uh maybe we should start with a little first course. Let me see what I have in here. LUKE: So what exactly are you making that cooks for this long? LIZ: Tuna loaf. LUKE: Tuna loaf. T.J.: That sounds amazing. LUKE: Well, it's very thoughtful of you. LIZ: Jello cups! T.J.: Score. LIZ: Well, anyway, invention is the mother of necessity. Eat your jello course. So it's not surprising, you know? LUKE: What's not? LIZ: You and Lorelai breaking up. I mean, that's not much of a surprise. LUKE: Yeah. I don't know. LIZ: I mean, I love Lorelai, but the two of you were... LUKE: Were what? LIZ: You were never in sync. I don't mean that in a bad way. LUKE: What do you mean, we were never in sync? LIZ: Okay, for one thing, you never really moved in together. You wanted to, but you never did. You were in two different places. LUKE: Well, there was a logistical thing. LIZ: And then, when you found out you had a daughter, you never told her. That's not normal, Luke. That's not how people in a healthy relationship act. It's like that space-time-continuum thing. You're on a plane over here, and she's on this plane over there, and you were both never here nor there at the same time. T.J.: It's like string theory. LUKE: String Theory, what do you know about string theory? T.J.: Don't underestimate me, Luke. I read. And I watch "Battlestar Galactica." LUKE: Look, Lorelai and I just did not work out. LIZ: You were on different planes. It could have worked out if there was a wormhole between your plane and her plane. LUKE: We didn't need a wormhole. LIZ: It was like that movie with, um, Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. T.J.: Exactly! LIZ: Yeah. T.J.: Oh, yes! Exactly, exactly! LIZ: You're living in the same house, man, but you are a couple years apart in the space-time continuum. T.J.: What house? It was a bus. Oh! I thought you were talking about "Speed." "Speed" applies, too. LUKE: Lorelai and I didn't break up because we weren't on the same place in a space-time continuum or because there weren't any wormholes. We broke up because we weren't right for each other. Okay, it wasn't space. It wasn't time. It was us, okay? We didn't belong together. [Luke sounds like he is trying to convince himself] We never really... belonged together. We wanted to, but... we never did. That's it. [The timer for the over rings, Liz gets up to get the food] LIZ: I am so excited. [She pulls the food out f the oven] It's cold. The oven's cold. The oven's broken. T.J.: Oh, man, still? LIZ: We forgot to fix the oven. Oh, Luke, I am so sorry. I really wanted to make you a home-cooked meal. LUKE: I'll go the store and get something to make for us. LIZ: Oh, Luke. LUKE: That's okay, really. I don't mind. Aw, I'll get us some stuff and make us a home-cooked meal. Your burners work? LIZ: Yeah, they work. LUKE: Okay, good. Great. LIZ: At least you'll have a home-cooked meal. LUKE: Okay, I'll be back in a bit. LIZ: Okay. SUPERMARKET [Luke gets some food out of the freezer and turns to see Lorelai.] LUKE: [Sighs] Hey. LORELAI: Well, I guess both of us avoiding Doose's didn't work out that well, huh? LUKE: Well, I wasn't avoiding Doose's. Just the closest market to Liz and T.J.'s house. LORELAI: Right. Because you're not affected by this. You're not mad. I forgot. LUKE: No, I...I was mad. I was really mad. LORELAI: Yeah, I kind of figured. LUKE: [Sighs] I know I was a jerk. I was just...mad. LORELAI: I was the jerk. I was such a jerk. LUKE: I'm not mad anymore. Well... [Sighs] That's not true, but... I won't be, you know, eventually. Really. LORELAI: Yeah? LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Okay. LUKE: It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's just, we're not right together, you know? You're you, I'm me. I just... want to stop pretending we're something else. You don't belong with me. You belong with someone like Christopher. and I just... let's just stop fighting it, okay? And you go back to being Lorelai Gilmore. I'll go back to being the guy in the diner who pours your coffee. [Lorelai looks like she is about the break down, but holds on.] LORELAI: My hand's getting cold. [holds up some ice cream] LUKE: [nods] Okay. LORELAI: Okay. [Lorelai walks past Luke and away from him] LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [Lorelai is sitting on the couch crying, Rory comes home and sees her, Rory sits next to Lorelai on the couch]

Luke drives to Boston for one purpose: to punch out Christopher. Rory is upset over Logan's absence and the fact that they had to cancel their long-planned trip to Asia. Wanting to cheer Rory up and take her mind off her own sad love life, Lorelai turns her house into an Asian-themed wonderland. Meanwhile, Lane returns from her disastrous honeymoon and finds out she's pregnant. While repairing the damage to the diner, Luke tells TJ about his break-up with Lorelai. Finally, Rory is furious when she learns that Lorelai slept with Christopher.

fd_The_Mentalist_01x08

fd_The_Mentalist_01x08_0

Hotel Manager: You're here. Thank god. There was screaming and gunshots upstairs in room 222. The one- the one on the right. Right there. Sam Blakely: Police! Open the door. Come on, open up! Minelli: Glad you could make it. We have a young female, Patricia Matigan and joseph Purcell,who was gonna be the star witness in California vs. Carris, which was one of the attorney general's favorite upcoming narcotics cases. Lisbon: State's witness, and no police protection? Minelli: Uh-huh. Davis P.D. Had it covered that is, until Purcell went a.W.O.L. A few weeks ago. Didn't want to testify, I guess. With Purcell dead, the case against Carris dies, too. He walks. So obviously, guys, for all of our sakes, This is a must-close. Davis P.D. Is still running the Carris case, by the way,so we have to work with them. Don't freeze 'em out. Lisbon: Who is Carris, and where is he or she right now Minelli: Rick Carris is the man to know in the Davis meth business. He was busted a month ago after a big, expensive operation. He's out and about on a $2 million bond. Purcell here is one of his top street captains. Look at that. This fool is state's witness against the biggest cocaine dealer in the county, and he's dealing the same drug out of his own motel room-like Carris wouldn't hear about that. He must have had a death wish. Lisbon: Looks like a couple of ounces. Jane: It's not cocaine. Minelli: It's... Lisbon: It's powdered milk. Minelli: Yes, that's often used to cut the product. Lisbon: Jane? Van Pelt: What are you looking for? Jane: The girl had her keys in her hand. She was only planning on stopping by. Minelli: Oh no Lisbon: Hello. Jane: So what happens to her? Lisbon: Social services have foster homes that specialize in babies. They'll take care of her until we can find Patrice's family. Jane: If she has a family. Lisbon: Yeah Social worker: Social services. This is Kaylee? Jane: Goodbye Minelli: Lisbon, Jane, Van Pelt. Detectives Blakely and Preciado, Davis homicide. They will be your liaisons with Davis P.D. I speak for myself and your chief when I urge you all to work harmoniously. that means play nice. Keep me posted. Jane: Hi. So your name's Blakely? Blakely: Mm-hmm. Jane: The first responder was a Blakely. Blakely: That was my son. Preciado: Poor kid-first time rolling up on a body. Puked his guts up later. Blakely: He'll be okay. Listen, uh, just so we're clear, now you can call us "liaisons" if you like, but this is still a Davis P.D. Case. Our narcotics unit's been trying to bust rick Carris for years. Lisbon: We appreciate your position. Have you checked the liquor store over there for surveillance cameras? Preciado: Not yet. We're still questioning the guests Van Pelt: I'll get on it. Jane: I got a dumb question. How come you guys let Joe Purcell slip away? Lisbon: Stuff happens, right? Preciado: Yeah. Stuff happens. Blakely: Yeah. When we bring in rick Carris, we'll give you a call. Lisbon: You're confident it was Carris who did this? Purcell seems like the type of man who had quite a few enemies. Preciado: Yeah, we're confident. Jane: What if Purcell wasn't the target? What if the girl was the target? Blakely: What makes you think that? Jane: What makes you think she wasn't? Lisbon: Either way, she's the place to start with the investigation she was only here for a moment, so the shooter came in as soon as she arrived, which suggests that he or they followed her here. So we'll retrace her steps. What's Patrice Matigan's current address? Blakely: We don't know. We checked the address on her licens Aand registration, but she hasn't lived her for several months. Preciado: You're making this more difficult than it needs to be. We know whodunit. This was a hit ordered by rick Carris. If he's in town, we'll round him up. You guys relax, see the sights. We'll call you when there's any news. Lisbon: When are you gonna learn to cool it without being told? Jane: Oh, come on. They pissed you off, too, the sexist pigs. Lisbon: They were. Jane: I just said they were. Lisbon: You were saying it ironically. Jane: Here. There was a couple of issues of that in her car. Lisbon: "Fifty fresh and floral ideas for a spring wedding"? Where did Patrice Matigan have this? Jane: Mailing address. Lisbon: "Lacey Wells. 65758 rancho highway." Let's go. Lisbon: Lacey Wells? Lacey Wells: You the cops? Lisbon: Yeah, CBI. Lacey Wells: What's the problem? Lisbon: Do you know Patricia Matigan? Lacey Wells: She lives here. What about her? And where is she? Lisbon: She was murdered early this morning. Lacey Wells: Oh, my god. Lisbon: How long have you known Patricia? Lacey Wells: Couple of years, like that. Lisbon: And she's lived here with you for how long? Lacey Wells: Since Joe got busted. Two, three months. She couldn't stay with him, the way he lives. That son of a bitch! Now I knew he'd get her into trouble. Lisbon: Can you think of anybody who would have wanted to kill him? Lacey Wells: Aside from rick Carris and any of his crew Sure, lots of people. Jane: Can you tell us what happened last night? Lacey Wells: Joe called her really late. He's mad hungry, but he's paranoid. Won't leave his room. Thinks rick Carris' boys are everywhere. Begs her to bring him some food, which she does... Like a fool. And that's... That's the last I saw of her and Kaylee. Jane: Why would she take Kaylee out with her in the middle of the night? Couldn't you have babysat for her? Lacey Wells: I had been drinking. And she didn't want to leave Kaylee with me. She had her flaws, but she was a good mom. I mean, that kid is always clean and...and dry, and she's smiling. Look at how she keeps this place. Jane: Yeah. It's nice. How does she pay the rent? Lacey Wells: Oh, she always has money when she needs it. You know, her and me got busted this last Christmas, and she came up with, like, 10 grand to front the bail and even more for the lawyer. I mean, we were busted with a whole ounce of meth, and she made that crap disappear. Lisbon: She was into meth? Lacey Wells: No. No. No, it was my drugs. But it was in her car, so you know... Jane: Did you ask her how she got the money to pay for the lawyer? Lacey Wells: She wasn't the hooker type, so I just figured she had a rich boyfriend hidden somewhere. You know, a couple of times, a dude would come by and not come in. You know, she'd go for a ride, and then she had cash when she came back. Jane: What did he look like? Lacey Wells: He's, um, like a skinny, tough guy, dark hair and drove a blue car. Lisbon: Excuse me. Jane: It always goes off. Lisbon: Lisbon. Rigsby: Just got a call from sacramento homicide. Snitch gave 'em a location on rick Carris. He's in boonville, halfway between here and Davis. Lisbon: Get an entry team. We're on our way. Rigsby: Should I tell Blakely and Preciado? Lisbon: Of course. Davis P.D. Are our partners in this hold off on going in until I get there. Thank you, Lacey. Lacey Wells: Yeah, hey, uh, listen, social services... They're...they're not gonna bring Kaylee back here, are they? Lisbon: No. Lacey Wells: I-i love her and all, but I'm not- i-i couldn't... Lisbon: Don't worry. They're not gonna bring her back here, okay? Lacey Wells: She's goes somewhere okay, though, right? I mean, they'll- they'll take care of her good? Lisbon: Yes. They try. Lacey Wells: She's a good kid, so... Rigsby: Hey. Where you going? Preciado: To make the bust. What do you think? Cover the back. Rigsby: Wait. Preciado: What? Oh, you guys wanna help or you gonna stand there and pick your nose? Rigsby: Come on, guys. Play nice. This is a joint operation. We go in together when our boss and the entry team get here. Preciado: Unh-unh-unh. This is our arrest. Always has been, and we got no time to wait for your mommy. Cho: Hey, there's always time, all right? Let 's do this right. Go in too quickly, and someone will get hurt. Preciado: This is real police work, sonny. People get hurt. Go push some paper. Rigsby: Real police work? You mean like protecting a state's witness Cho: Rigsby, hey, hey. Walk away. Walk away. Look at me. All right? We told 'em not to go in, if this goes south now, it's their necks. We don't want to be involved in any way. Be smart. Let it go. Lisbon: What's going on? What are they doing? Rigsby: Blakely and Preciado wouldn't wait for the entry team. Tried to talk to them. They wouldn't listen. Cho: They're out for blood. Cops: Don't move, cops. Cho: Get on your knees right now. Rigsby: Let's see your hands. Preciado: That's our bust. Hand him over. Lisbon: The hell we will. Walk away. Blakely: Hey, calm down. Lisbon: Yes, we get it. You're very calm and in control, rick... For a man being questioned in a double murder investigation. Rick Carris: I didn't do this thing. Although, I've been sat in this frickin' chair so many times, this is kind of restful. Cho: That's right, isn't it? Many times. "Assault, possession, intent to distribute." Lisbon: This trafficking case coming up-that's three now for you.You get nailed, you're in for life. Cho: That's a long time. Lisbon: All on the testimony of Joe Purcell. Rick Carris: Look, it's no secret Joe Purcell's death. Was a huge boon for me, man. Come on, it was huge. And I gotta confess, I was really starting to feel that life sentence breathe down my neck, but you know what? I got angels, man. I got fierce angels on my shoulders. Cho: Are you a man of your word, rick? Rick Carris: I am. Cho: You do what you say you'll do? Rick Carris: Look, I know where this is going. Cho: This is from Purcell's answering machine Rick Carris: Hey, joe. You're a dead man. Dead. I'm gonna do you my own self. I'm gonna look you in the eye and cut your heart out and shove it down your throat, you mo Lisbon: That is you, isn't it? Rick Carris: Hyperbole is lost on some people. Cho: We think you kept your word, rick. You found Patrice. You followed her to Joe Purcell hiding at the motel. You killed him and that young girl just to stay out of prison, just like you said you would. Rick Carris: No, I said I was gonna cut his heart out and feed it to him Lisbon: Poetic license. Rick Carris: Nuh-unh. No, if I had found him, I'd have kept my word. Believe me, and I was looking for him. That's how you know it wasn't me, man. All right, maybe I wouldn't have cut his heart out or nothing, but I definitely would have cut him. I mean, I've got a reputation to consider. Cho: Where were you last night? Rick Carris: A bar I own, Del's avern. Cho: Until when? Rick Carris: I don't know. 11:30, maybe. Cho: Anyone with you? Rick Carris: Oh, yeah. Sasha. Cho: Sasha. Sasha have a second name? Rick Carris: Sasha the cocktail waitress. Cho: One young lady in your employ. That's not much of an alibi. Rick Carris: It's not much of a case, man.You got no murder weapon and you got no witnesses. So you can kiss my ass, unless you want to get a sun lamp in here and a couple of beers. I'll be happy to kick back and listen to you guys waste your frickin' time. Lisbon: I guess I'll just hand you over to the Davis P.D. They're very anxious to talk to you. Rick Carris: All right. Whatever. Look, I want to talk to my lawyer now, please. Lisbon: Okay. So we're done here. Jane: Food's here. Van Pelt: Hawaiian? Cho hates pineapple. Jane: Well, he can take it off, can't he? Van Pelt: Yeah, I guess. I don't complain when he and rigsby order mexican. Jane: What is it you don't like about mexican? Van Pelt: Cilantro. I can't stand it. But I don't make a fuss. Jane: Oh, you don't, do you? Why is that? Van Pelt: Sometimes you have to go along to get along. Jane: Well, it's nice to be nice, but if you want to get ahead in life, sometimes you have to be a bitch. I know you know how. Van Pelt: Gee, thanks. Jane: It's all about the balance, grace. Yin-yang. Nice-bitch. A little bit of bitch inside the nice, a little bit of nice inside the bitch. Van Pelt: Yeah, I'll work on that. Jane: Keep 'em guessing. Cho: There's pineapple on it. Van Pelt: You can take it off. Cho: I'll know it's been there. Rigsby: So Carris was at Del's Tavern. Sasha the cocktail waitress says she was with him At his residence at 12:45 A.M. When the motel shootings took place. Cho: She's confident about the time frame because they were having s*x with the tv on. And it was the scottish guy talking to that actress who married the country singer. Rigsby: Carris would have got someone else to do the dirty work for him anyway. He was only boasting when he said about how he's gonna rip out Purcell's heart himself. He's a drug dealer, not an aztec. Jane: That's good. Not an aztec. You're right. Carris isn't responsible for these murders. Cho: Why not? Jane: He told you himself, it's not his style. He wouldn't have had the patience to watch and follow Patricia until she led him to Purcell. And if he had found her, he would have just jumped right in and hurt her until she gave Purcell up. Lisbon: Just for the sake of argument, let's assume you're right Jane: Yes, I'm saying that maybe Patricia Matigan was the target. Lisbon: That's the second time you said that. Jane: Well, Patricia she was an attractive young woman, but didn't work and had a regular supply of money from somewhere... Cho: Boyfriend. Jane: And was able to make a very serious drug charge disappear. Rigsby: Cop boyfriend. Jane: Skinny cop boyfriend with dark hair that drives a blue car, if you listen to Lacey Wells. Van Pelt: Detective Preciado is skinny with dark hair. Jane: He had crossed my mind. And a hot-tempered man, as we now know, who probably carries what, a .38? Rigsby: Yeah. Jane: Yeah. Rigsby: I think he does. Yeah. Van Pelt: Joe and Patricia were shot with a .38. Cho: Yes, they were. Lisbon: Slow down. What's his motive? Rigsby: Well, it's a simple crime of passion, isn't it. He comes upon the woman he loves with another man. Kills them both. Van Pelt: Oh, damn. He couldn't have been that surprised. She had Joe Purcell's baby. Jane: How is she? The baby. Van Pelt: Uh, fine, I guess. I mean, she's a baby. Keep 'em warm and fed, they're happy. Cho: Let's go have a chat with Preciado. Lisbon: We're already in hot water with the Davis P.D. We need to be sure we're right, find out the facts and then act. Rigsby: Yes, boss. Lisbon: Let's see if Patricia really did dodge a possession charge at Christmas and let's make sure the story about the accident money is bogus. Then we'll go to the friend, Lacey, and we'll show her pictures. If she I.D.S Preciado as the man she saw, and if Preciado drives a blue car and if he carries a .38, we'll go, and we'll talk to him. Van Pelt: Preciado owns a blue car. Cho: May I have your salad? [SCENE_BREAK] Oh, Gladys Knight and the pips. You brought our prisoner back? Detective Preciado, we need to sit down with you for a while. We have a few questions for you. What questions? That's a .38 you carry, isn't it? You trying to say it was me? You miserable sons of bitches. Where the hell do you get the nerve- Hold on, Steve. Cool it. Let me handle this. No. No, this one's mine. Where the hell do you get the nerve to come up here in my town, talking to me like that? What weapon do I carry? Kiss my ass. The California state constitution. We've come to you out here out of respect. We could have found you in the police station and made a fuss. You should be glad you didn't. No, you should be glad we didn't. You have nothing on me. We can put you with Patrice. Her roommate, Lacey wells, I.D.'d you from a photo. Come have a quiet talk with us clear up a couple of things, no big deal. What couple of things? This doesn't concern you, detective. Excuse me. He's my partner. Leave it alone, Dale. Just leave it. I can handle this. Let's go. Good-good to meet you again. What's the matter with him? How well did you know Patrice Matigan? Let's not screw around here. Just tell me what you have, cop to cop. Cop to cop? We know you were giving her money. We know she got off of a meth bust last Christmas. Evidence was lost, right? From the Davis P.D. Lockup? Happens. We figure you took it. That's what you figure. Yes, And we could dig in and prove it, but I don't want to spend any time doing that. I'd rather just talk straight with you, avoid dragging other good cops into this mess, right? Go on. We figure you and Patrice were having a sexual relationship. She was... She was a confidential informant. We considered that, but then she'd be on file, right? And you would have put in for the money as a C.I. Expense, But you didn't do that, did you? Why? My guess- because you're an honest man. Yeah. Sure. Okay. I was banging her. So what? Did you know she was also in a relationship with your missing witness? We had a business relationship. I paid her for s*x I didn't know or care what she did when I wasn't there. You paid her a lot of money. A lot. Good-looking man like you, there had to have been more to it than that. Did she have something on you? Well, She was punctual and clean and didn't say much. I like that in a woman. Did you know your man Joe Purcell was The father of her child? No. A lowlife junkie dealer with your woman- How'd that make you feel? Couldn't care less. Do you, uh, want the rest of my sandwich? I can't finish it. What? It's good sandwich. Try it. Good sandwich. What is wrong with him? Where were you at 12:45 A.M. Monday morning? I was at my partner's. We watched the game. I was too drunk to drive, So I slept on the couch. At Blakely's? Just you and him? And his wife. Do you have your weapon on you? Yes, I do. Mind if we borrow it for a while, Have ballistics take a look at it? Look, I don't want to have to make this official, Talk to a judge or anything. Once we do that, the cat's out of the bag for good. If you're clean on this, here's the way to prove it. Is this the only .38 in your possession? Yes, it is. And if you try to hold my hand again, I'm gonna tear your arm off And beat you unconscious with it. Get me? Gotcha. Well? You know, it's just funny what bad liars cops are. I guess they're not used to Concealing themselves under questioning. I'm a cop, and I lie to you all the time. You never catch it. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, But you're translucent, my dear. I always know when you're lying. Sometimes I let you think you fooled me Just so you don't feel bad. Name one time. Mm. Last Thanksgiving you said you were going back east To your brother's house, but I knew you were actually planning On having three days at home alone To watch old movies and eat ice cream. Okay, so that's one time. What about Preciado? His stress pulse rate was thready, dishonest. Thready? Hard to describe pulses. Uh, a dishonest pulse feels different to an indignant pulse. In this case, hard to say what he's lying about exactly, But he was signaling deception from first to last. There's something off about his whole story. Where are we going? To the zoo. They have new tiger cubs Oh. Liar. Oh, very good. I'm gonna go and speak with Blakely. Blakely's not gonna tell you anything. Nah, Blakely's old-school. He'll back his partner to the moon, But his wife might be less steadfast. I'll keep the husband in the office while you go And talk to the wife. Ah. Sweet. What is it? Patrick Jane, CBI. Yeah, uh, what is it? I'd like to speak with Katherine Blakely. Sam? Officer Sam Blakely? Yeah. Uh, now isn't very convenient. Uh, if you want to speak with her, You should call and arrange something. Yes, I was just passing by. That's a shame, Sam I really did need to speak to her. Who is it, Sam? CBI, ma'am. Murder investigation. Murder investigation? The Purcell-Matigan killings? The couple I found. Oh, my lord. Yes. Terrible thing. That poor little baby. Well, I'll-i'll leave you to it then. No, ma'am. It's... You that I wish to speak with. I am so proud of my two policemen. There are three generations Of Davis law enforcement in this family. Three. When people see the Blakely name in Davis, They know that it stands for something. Cripe sakes, ma. It's enough. Oh, he hates me bragging on him. So tell me, why on earth do you want to ask me About these killings? Officer Blakely, could we have a moment alone, please? It's okay. It's kind of confidential stuff, ma'am. Well, go on, sam. I don't think I should, mom. Dad wouldn't like it. Well, you're not your dad. Just give us a moment. Go on. Sam was so upset that night. It was his first time coming up on a killing. Poor thing. I remember the first time Dale caught a bad call. We were newlyweds, and he came home and he actually cried. Tried to hide it. But I told him and I told Sam That there is no shame in feeling sad. There isn't. You've experienced the same thing, no doubt. Death is part of the job. Yes. Yes, it is. Sorry. Rambling. What did you wanna talk to me about, Mr. Jane? Ma'am, your husband's partner, detective Preciado, Is a person of interest in the case. Steve? No. He said that he was here at your house, Sleeping on your couch, at the time of the murders. That was 12:45 A.M. Monday morning. Was he here? Yes. Yes, he was. He-he stayed the night. Why would you be interested in Steve? He's such a straight arrow. He said that he was having an affair With Patrice Matigan. Steve Preciado? Yes. Why not? Uh, I don't know. Itit just doesn't seem likely. Katherine, you're hiding something. This is a state investigation. You're obligated to tell me the truth. Well, you have to promise That you will not say it was me who spoke of it. I won't tell a soul. Well, Dale says that Steve has a problem, You know... Down there? Down there. There's pills for that now. Yes. No. He's a hopeless case, apparently. Well, that's strange. That's very strange, 'cause he's the one that told us He was having an affair with Patrice. Oh, well, knowing Steve, I'm sure he was lying to protect his machismo Or protecting someone else. Oh. I-I'm so sorry. How stupid of me. No, it's-it's... What happened? Nothing. It-it's just a little accident. What did you say to her, huh? What do you-what have you done? He's done nothing. Your father... My father? What? What did you tell her? You knew. You knew that's who she was. That's why the two of you have been whispering in corners And acting so strange. No, ma. You got it all wrong. You don't understand. Dad wasn't having an affair. Dad, mom thinks that- what, sam? What do I think? You swore on his life. You swore on your son's life you would Never betray me again! Come inside, hon I'm gonna tell you the truth, just not out here. Oh, no. Not out here. You're Dale Blakely. You're one of the good guys. Get in the house now! Detective Blakely... Uhh! Ooh! Shut your mouth. You okay? Assault. Assault. I would rethink this new technique of yours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't disagree. Now we're arresting them. Hooray. We have the right. He assaulted Jane, And he looks good for the murders. Before you charge a cop with murder, you better loo Better than good. You better look like the damn mona lisa. Yes, I hear- Because if you're wrong, we will have no murder suspect, The attorney general will have no narcotics case against Carris, And we will have wrongly arrested a distinguished veteran officer in his home jurisdiction. Yes, boss. What was the nature of your relationship with Patrice Matigan? I was helping her out. Helping her with close to 1,000 bucks a month. That's a lot of help. What did she give you in return? Nothing. Okay. What story did you tell your wife about the money? I... Got nothing left to say. How were you making ends meet? Did you maybe take a little drug money now and again? I never took a penny. Not a damn penny. So I guess if Patrice started asking you for more money, You'd have been hard-pressed, right? Get me a lawyer. I'll set that up for you. Oh. Where's your service revolver? Agent rigsby tells me you didn't have it with you. It was stolen. Yeah? Yeah, from my car. Okay. It's no problem. It happens. A .38, was it? That's right. I'll get you that lawyer. He's not gonna talk. Poor soul. He made his bed. He can lie in it. You know, I never really understood that one. Just 'cause someone makes their bed, Why do they have to lie in it? What's to stop them from lying in another bed Or on the floor, for that matter? Sam Blakely's here. I'm on it. Officer Blakely, thanks for coming. I got no choice. You have my father locked up. Is your mother okay? Don't worry about my mother. My father is innocent. We know that. You people are making a big-what? We know your father didn't do it. This is from the security cameras In the liquor store in front of the motel. We finally got to look at it today. This is at 12:40 a.M. That's Patrice Matigan's car arriving. And that is rick Carris' man. We misjudged Carris. He found Patrice, had a man follow her. You can see his license plate right there. Can you make that bigger? Yes, we can. We know who it is. A thug that works for rick Carris named q-tip. But get this. Carris says q-tip didn't kill him. Q-tip went to kill joe, but he got there too late. Someone else got to him first. Well, that's gotta be a bunch of bull. Carris says his man q-tip actually saw the real killer, Saw the whole thing. So Carris is offering us a deal. If we let him out, his man q-tip Will tell us exactly what he saw, I.D. The real killer. And you believe him Of course not. It's a transparent con. Q-tip killed him all right. Carris is just trying to save his skin By laying the blame elsewhere. On your father probably. He must have known about his connection to Patrice. So we're gonna play along, Let the shooter come to us. Carris has set up a meeting with q-tip tonight. So we'll grab up q-tip and work him until we get the real story. So, uh, what do you need me for exactly? If this is gonna work, I can't have a whole bunch of angry Davis p.D. Swarming all over Carris and his crew. And the CBI is kind of unpopular with you guys right now. Yes, you are. So... We were hoping you'd have a quiet word with your chief, Let him know what we're up to. Well, knowing the chief, he's gonna want to know the details, Um, when and where you're gonna be meeting this q-tip And what personnel you got operating undercover. Sure. But this needs to stay close between you and the chief. We don't want to spook Carris. He thinks he's playing us for a bunch of idiots. Mm. I understand. Okay, team. Let the games begin. Carris is on his way. He's gonna make the call when he makes the meet with q-tip. Be ready to act fast. Clear? Got it. Okay. Roger that. The warehouse is on fifth and geary. Loading dock in the back. Q-tip's in the same car He was on the tape. California plate 5-nora-tom-queen-9-5-7. Be there in ten minutes. Ten minutes? I can't get to fifth and geary in ten minutes Well, do your best. On our way. E.T.A. To geary and fifth-12 minutes. Damn it. He won't wait that long. Officer Blakely, are you closer to fifth and geary? Officer Blakely? Sam? Blakely, drop the gun! Drop it! Carris never made a deal, did he? No. We, uh, edited the surveillance footage. Q-tip was just some guy That happened to walk up to the motel at some point, And, uh, van pelt- She laid in the license plate with, uh, photoshop. That's clever. Kudos to you guys. We know you're a decent man, sam. We know you didn't mean for things to go down like this. Just tell us what happened. I got nothing to say. There's no use in hiding anything now. There's no use in explaining either Mm. Take a seat, detective. Thank you. Son. Dad. Well, there's-there's always a reckoning. This is it. Just... Just tell them the truth. The truth, huh? Tell the truth no matter what. That's the mark of a man, right, dad? Tell the truth. A man has his honor and his word, and that's it. Don't go over the same ground for god sake. Just give 'em the facts. You want the facts? Okay. Mom suspected that dad was having an affair. Well, I asked around on the street. Pretty soon I hear that he's keeping this girl, Patrice Matigan, on the side. I was mad as hell. You gotta understand. This integrity crap was banged into me my entire life. Right, dad? Honesty, honor, family- banged into me, And then all this time, he's keeping a whore on the side? No. Never. I went and I asked him if it was true, And he said no. I knew he was lying to me. I knew it. So sunday night i... Went back to find the truth. I thought, for sure, she was gonna meet dad. And she went to the store, went to a motel. I thought, "aha, I got him now." Purcell must have thought I'd been sent by Carris to kill him. I had no choice. I panicked. I drove away. And dispatch called, Sent me right back to the motel. I was the closest unit. What was I gonna do? Refuse the call? I had to take it. There's always a reckoning. Patrice wasn't your mistress, was she? No. She was my daughter, Sam's sister. How did you know? Sam told his mother you weren't cheating on her. I believed him. But then who was Patrice? Who was she to you? And why all the secrecy? I just figured she had to have been your daughter. I never knew Patrice existed until four years ago. Her mother was dying. So... She got in touch, Told me I had A 16-year-old child I never knew about. Blew my mind. Just... Oh, blew my mind. You know, I wanted to tell Katherine the truth, But... Y-you know, I... Oh, my god. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't hurt her like that. Does she know now? Yeah, she knows. She knows. Sorry. Busy right now. Katherine, it's Patrick Jane. Can you open the door? I can't. You can and you will. I have something I need to give you. This is Kaylee, Your granddaughter, kind of. Here. She's very fond of Cheerios. That's, uh, that has nothing to do with me. And she likes to take her big nap at 2:00. But-what? You're all she has. Social services will be along later to get the paperwork signed. The name Kaylee doesn't really suit her, if you ask me. If you want to change it, I'm sure no one will make a fuss. Oh. Oh. Hey. You might need those. Bye.

When a State's witness in a narcotics case and his girlfriend (Patrice Matigan) are shot in a motel room, CBI is called in on this high-stakes case. Local police suspect the drug dealer on trial is behind the murders since there is no case without the witness, but Jane surmises Patrice was the intended target. Focusing on Patrice, the team discovers she might have been having an affair with a veteran police officer, suggesting she was killed by a cop to cover up the affair. But when the evidence does not add up, the team stages a fake stake-out to ultimately catch the real killer and uncover the tragic truth behind the murders.

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602 - The Song Remains The Same [Scene: Joey's Dorm room. Joey and Dawson are wrapped up with one another sleeping together, Dawson behind Joey all curled up. His hand is resting on her hip, when she slowly brings hers up to his, and he entwines their fingers in one another's. Joey rolls over, and begins kissing him, and then they begin to make love again. Fade to Black. Cut to a little. Joey wakes up alone in bed and finds a not on her pillow. It reads Went out for Breakfast The door opens as she reads this, and Dawson comes in carrying some coffee.] Dawson: Hey. Joey: Hi. Dawson: You're up. Joey: Yeah. Um, you went out. Dawson: Yeah. Joey: Could you... Dawson: sure. [Dawson reaches the hook, and grabs Joey's robe and hands it to her.] Joey: Thanks. Dawson: So I got you a-- Joey: did you get me a latte? [He pulls up a Single White Rose, and hands it to her] Dawson: Roses. All over Worthington. Joey: Kinda hokey, don't you think? Dawson: Yeah, that's exactly what I think. Joey: Well, it's a $500 fine to pick one of these. Dawson: Worth every penny. Joey: So we should probably stop and think about this. You know, about what it means. I mean, about how this will change... [He kisses her] things. Dawson: Maybe later. [The begins making out again. Fade to black] [Scene: Hotel Room. Audrey is in bed, and she grabs the phone and begins to dial for room service. Pacey is in the Bathroom getting ready for his first day at work] Audrey: yes. Hello. I was wondering if you could bring up-- Pacey: no, no, no, no. No room service for you this morning. Audrey: What? We can afford it. Pacey: We? Audrey: Ok. My dad can afford it. What do you say, champagne? Bloody marys? Pacey: I say that we're not on the set of dynasty and you have class in an hour. Now, which tie? Audrey: Mmm, I don't know. They're both kind of hideous. Pacey: Ok, look. You'll have plenty of time for fashion critiques once I actually get the job, but for right now, I just don't want to be late for the interview. Ok? Audrey: I'm sure that it is just a technicality. Trust me. When my dad pulls strings, they stay pulled. How do you think I got into Worthington? [Audrey begins to tie Pacey's tie for him] Pacey: Oh, oh. Are they always supposed to be this tight? Audrey: You have actually worn a tie before, haven't you, Pacey? Pacey: Of course I have. Once. Audrey: Once. Pacey: Yes, once. [She kisses him as he gets up from the bed] Audrey: Mmm. Pacey: Ok. Wish me luck. I'm out the door. Audrey: Luck! [Pacey leaves, and Audrey instantly grabs the phone] Audrey: Yes, hello. Is this room service? Oh, my gosh. You know my name. How cool. Yeah, I'm feeling a little continental this morning. [Scene: Outside the school campus. Jen and Grams are walking towards some tables, after returning from the book store.] Jen: Ok, so we share the art history. Um, all this Kafka is mine, and they gave us a math book by mistake. Grams: Oh! I'll take that, thank you very much. Jen: Wait a second. Math? Don't tell me you actually took my advice. Grams: Stranger things have happened. Jen: And I suppose this has nothing to do with the fact that a certain someone actually teaches math? Grams: Are you implying that there's anything wrong with taking interest in someone's life's work? Jen: I think it's a slippery slope. I mean, one minute you're taking an interest and the next you're sublimating your own thoughts and desires, and for what? For a grand chance to participate in the great patriarchal heterosexist fraud that is better known as monogamy? I mean, is that really how you want to spend your golden years, folding some man's laundry and pretending to actually share an interest? I mean, haven't we come further as a sex-- [Grams notices that the guy sitting behind them is staring at the back of Jen's head as she is going on.] Jen: what? [Jen turns to see the guy looking at her] Jen: Hi. Hi. I'm sorry. Are we bothering you? Because, perhaps if it's not too much trouble, you could just get your own conversation. Guy: No. Sorry. It's just that I've been sitting here trying to figure out where I've met you before, and suddenly I realized I've never met you before. Jen: Great. Well, I'm really glad that we got that figured out. Guy: I've heard you on the radio. Grams: She was on the radio. [Jen gives her a dirty look] Well, you were. She was very good, too. Jen: Ok, you got me. I'm busted. I was on the radio. But I'm not anymore, so... thank you very much for listening and buh-bye. Guy: So did you get fired or what? Jen: What is this, an interview? Guy: I'm just curious. Jen: [Sighs] Well, let's just say that I had some... artistic differences with the new management. Guy: Fine. Then we'll just say that. Jen: Fine. Grams: Excuse me, young man. Would you care to join us? [Scene: The Stock Interview. Rich, the manager, is lecturing a group of new recruits including Pacey who are all sitting around a large table listening to his every word.] Rich: It's 8:35 on a Saturday morning. The phone rings. Who is it? Cable company, phone company, debt consolidators. Why do they keep calling back? Because it works. Now, if you don't think you can do that, if you don't think you can commit to becoming the lowest form of life, the kind that lives by his wits, the kind that doesn't take no for an answer, then I suggest you leave. No. You know what? In fact, I insist you leave. Right now! [No One gets up and leaves] Rich: All right, then. To clarify: The hours are long, the pay is crap, when you're not working, you will be studying for your series 7 stockbroker exam. There are no second chances here. If you do not pass this test on your first try, you will be let go from the training program and replaced by one of a zillion other guys who would kill to have this job. Questions? [Pacey looks around then raises his hand] Pacey: Well, given how completely and historically screwed the market is right now, why would any sane person want this job? Rich: Same reason people play the lottery. Pacey: You mean money? Rich: No. Not that there's anything wrong with money. I mean hope. That tiny surge of adrenaline that courses through your veins right before you check the winning numbers. That's what we're selling here. That's what every stockbroker sells, and you all wouldn't be here if you didn't want some of it. So, those of you who want it bad enough, I'll see you Monday morning. Otherwise, disperse. [Everyone leaves, and Rich is finishing up a piece of paperwork, when Pacey stops to talk to him]] Pacey: I actually do have one more question. Rich: Shoot. Pacey: Who the hell are you? Rich: Rich Rinaldi. Pacey: Pacey Witter. And, Mr. Rinaldi, I don't need till Monday morning. I'm in right now. Rich: Look forward to working with you, Pacey. Pacey: Ok. [Pacey goes to leave] Rich: And, uh... you might want to rethink that suit. Seems a little gay. [Scene: Joey's Dorm room. Dawson is getting all his stuff together, as Joey is in the bathroom. Dawson looks over and picks up the snow globe that he gave here and looks at it, when Joey comes out of the bathroom.] Joey: Hi. Dawson: Hi. You look beautiful. Joey: Thank you. Do you have to work today? Dawson: Yeah. Yeah. Uh, but I was thinking maybe we could get together later on. Joey: Great. Dawson: Like around 5:00? Joey: Sure. Dawson: Ok. I'll, uh, I'll call you. Joey: Great. Dawson: Not like, "I'll call you," like the bad cliche, like I say that I'll call you and I never do. Joey: You mean not like e standard blow-off you get from a frat guy trying to make a graceful exit from the world's most embarrassing hook-up? Dawson: Yes.. I'm mean not like that. Joey: Not embarrassing. Dawson: No None of that. No. Joey: So I guess we're in agreement that since last night, words have totally lost all meaning. Because I just spent 15 minutes in that bathroom trying to think of something to say to you, and, well, all I could come up with was "hi." Dawson: I liked it. It was heartfelt and sincere. Joey: It was idiotic. Dawson: I can top that. The note that I left on your pillow this morning? 4 drafts. I spent like an hour trying to come up with something historically meaningful to say to you, something that would encapsulate everything about how I felt about us, about s*x, about the most incredible night of my life, and you know what I came up with? Joey: "Went out for breakfast." Dawson: 4 of the dumbest words in the English language, and not one of them says what I meant to say. [Cell phone rings] Dawson: I have to get that. Hello. Todd: Leery, I'm waiting! Why am I waiting, you ask? 'Cause you're not bloody here. Dawson: Yeah, sorry about that. I was-- Todd: you're just gonna get your ass over here, that's what you're gonna do. [Hangs up the phone] Joey: Go. Call me later. Dawson: Ok. And then we can talk. We can finish what we were-- Joey: right, but I have one important thing to ask you right now. Dawson: What? Joey: What happened to the other 3 drafts? Dawson: Oh, I tossed them in the dumpster. Joey: I see. When you went out to get coffee? Dawson: Yeah. Joey: I thought that was a little suspicious. Dawson: It was, actually, and--and now that you mention it, um... [Cell phone rings] [He looks at the caller ID, and it reads SATAN. Joey notice it an smiles] Joey: Todd calling. Dawson: How could you tell? Joey: I'm assuming Satan could only be one person other than Beelzebub himself. [He answers the phone] Dawson: Hello. Todd: I'm gonna need a triple espresso and some sort of pastry-type situation, preferably Italian. Dawson: I'm on my... [Click] Way. Joey: Go. Get out of here. I'm afraid to see what happens if the devil calls 3 times in one hour. Dawson: You know, before I leave, I just want to make absolutely certain-- Joey: Dawson... [She kisses him] Joey: [Whispers] Shut up. [She kisses some more to keep him quiet.] Joey: Good-bye. [Dawson leaves, and they both lean against the close door back to back without knowing the other is doing it too. ] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Dawson comes into an alley, carrying a coffee and a pastry, and finds Todd standing in it. Todd is just getting off the phone.] Todd: Would you murder someone in this alley? Dawson: Yeah, you, for wanting to change a location 18 other people have signed off on. Here. Todd: What? No 20-minute speech on how you're too good to get my coffee? Dawson: No 20-minute tirade on how it's cold? Todd: I must be mellowing. Dawson: Or I've been bringing you decaf all summer. Todd: Ha ha ha ha! Right. Which would explain the lack of me yelling at you this morning when you failed to show up at our prearranged meeting place. Dawson: That was a lack of yelling? Todd: You weren't in your room, either. Dawson: No. I spent the night at a friend's. Todd: A friend's? Had I known you actually had any friends, I wouldn't have wasted valuable production dollars on lodging you. Well. Well...details. Dawson: Not a chance. Every good thing that's happened in my life I've essentially managed to talk out of existence. I'm not gonna do that this time. Todd: Suit yourself. So, what am I doing today? Dawson: You'll find out when you get there. Todd: Enough. [They get into a car and leave] [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. It is early, and the bar has just opened. Joey walks into the bar, and begins looking around, when Eddie from her Lit Class runs into her as he passes by her.] Joey: Excuse me. Eddie: Yeah. Joey: You obviously don't remember me, but-- Eddie: oh, yeah. Sure. Nice to see you again. Joey: Excuse me. Eddie: Sorry, I don't really have time to chit-chat. Joey: I'm not attempting to forge some kind of social connection here. Eddie: Well, good, because-- Joey: you can just apologize and we'll move on. Eddie: Apologize? Joey: Yeah. Eddie: Look, it's really simple. You read the book, you come to class. Preferably in that order. Joey: You finished? Eddie: Yes. Joey: Good. You bumped into me just now in your mad dash to read the lunch specials. Eddie: Well, I'm sorry. Joey: Thank you. Eddie: Didn't realize you were so delicate. [He leaves, and Emma comes walking up to her] Emma: Hey! You came back. Joey, right, from last night? Joey: Yeah. Emma: So you decided the glamour and prestige of waitressing was for you, after all. Joey: Well, let's just say I'm currently re-aligning my life priorities. Emma: And getting your bum grabbed by a bunch of sadistic drunks is in your top 5. Joey: No, but... I'm trusting my instincts for a change. So, is the job still available? Emma: Yeah. I'll put a word in with the manager. Oh, in the meantime, fill this out. [She hands Joey an application] Joey: Thank you. Emma: No problem. Joey: He doesn't eat here often, does he? Emma: Him? Not particularly, no. [looks over at Eddie] Oh, he does work here. He's the bartender. [Scene: Grams' House. Audrey is sitting at the table as Pacey is finishing up cooking some food. HE takes a plateful of spaghetti and walks over with a ladle of sauce over it.] Pacey: So, no classes today, either? Audrey: No, I had to shop, you know, for the thing tonight. [She tries unsuccessfully to stop him from putting sauce on the spaghetti on the plate] Oh, honey, don't put the-- [Jack comes into the kitchen] Jack: mmm. Something smells good. Audrey: Here. Bon appetit. That's ok. Pacey: So, uh, what's the verdict, man? Jack: Oh, man, I looked at 5 apartments this morning, leading me to the inevitable conclusion that everything in our price range is both disgusting and roach-infested. Pacey: Except for this place I looked at yesterday. Jack: Yeah, but is it clean? Pacey: It's immaculate. Jack: Whew. Audrey: Jack, I'm scandalized. Is that an obviously gay trait that you've just revealed to us? Jack: Hey, I'm clean. All right? Sue me. Try living with someone's grandmother for a few years. Pacey: The solution here is really obvious. We gotta go back. We gotta try again. We have to convince this woman of why it is she wants to live with the two of us. Audrey: If she doesn't want to live with guys, she doesn't want to live with guys. Who can blame her? Who wants to deal with all those little shaving hairs in the sink when you're trying to brush your teeth in the morning? Ecch. Pacey: Honey, as much as I love you, you're missing the point. He is a neat guy. Jack: That's one way of putting it. Audrey: And you are a slob. Admit it, Pacey, you're not just a guy, you're a guy's guy. Pacey: Ok, granted, yesterday I may ha been a guy's guy. Today, I am a guy with a job. Jack: You got it? Pacey: Yeah. Yeah. Jack: Congrats, dude. Pacey: Well, it's not so much a job, really, as an opportunity to become the lowest form of life, which I'll explain later, because right now we have an apartment to get. Audrey: Mmm. We? Pacey: Yes, we. [Pacey dials the phone and hands it to Audrey] Pacey: Swallow. Jack: Heh heh heh. [The just finishes her mouthful when Emma answers the phone] Audrey: Hello. Hi. I was, um... I was wondering if I could come look at the apartment today. [Scene: Outside on the campus grounds. Jen and the guy from earlier are sitting at a table talking still.] Guy: No, I think it's nice. Jen: Yeah, that's what everybody says. "Oh, you live with your grandma. That's so sweet." How do they know I don't beat her with a stick and leave her tied to the radiator all winter? Guy: Is this a cry for help? Jen: Do I look like I need help? Guy: No. Actually, you look like someone who'd probably be good at giving it. Jen: Oh, god. Guy: What? Jen: Oh, no. It's not your fault. This is my fault. This has happened to me before. This religion thing is not really--god. No! Not god. Not god. I'm gonna go. Guy: Wait, look. You're right. I do want something from you. Several things, actually. But, first, I want you to sit back down. Jen: Sss...ok. I'll perch. Guy: Fine. Jen: I'm not fully committed to the sitting. Guy: Understood. Um Jen: I could leave at any moment, especially if you continue to not say anything. Guy: Sorry, it's-- this is kind of a difficult thing to phrase properly. Um... no matter how I say it, I'm gonna sound like a total dork, so... have you ever heard of the stand? B Jen: Buh-bye. Guy: W-wait a second. Wait a second. It's not a religion. It's a peer counseling program. Jen: You're saying you think I need counseling? Guy: No. I'm saying I think you could give counseling. Jen: Oh, you mean help people. Guy: Yeah. Look, all I'm asking is that you come to an information session tonight. It starts at 7:00. Jen: And you'll be there? Guy: Yeah, I'll be there. [Scene: Joey comes walking along the side of a large warehouse, in a very deserted area of Boston. She continue to look around lost, and then picks up her cell phone and dials it.] Joey: I think I made a huge mistake. Dawson: Excuse me? Joey: A wrong turn or something. I mean, this can't be the place I'm supposed to meet you. There's no "here" here. [Dawson is at work on the set, and slowly makes his way towards one of the outer doors.] Dawson: Wrong again. [She turns around to see Dawson standing holding the door open for her.] Joey: What is this place? Dawson: This is where we're shooting the movie. Well, most of it. Actually, did I mention it takes place in the seventies? Joey: No. Dawson: Yeah. A bunch of teenagers obsessed with the Boston stranger end up spending the weekend at this old house in cape cod, scaring the crap out of each other, of course. Joey: Sounds familiar. Dawson: Yeah. Actually, I'm really proud of the set. Todd let me have a lot of input into the design. Joey: Why is that? Dawson: Because I'm a valued assistant. Joey: I suspected as much. Dawson: And he doesn't trust his production designer. Joey: A notoriously shifty race of people? Dawson: And he says he has no friggin' idea what a typical American house should look like. Joey: A typical American house? Dawson: Come o what's it like being me? [They turn the corner, and come across a set that looks just like the porch of Dawson's House. They go inside, and Joey can see that the interior is also Dawson's house, and is surprised and impressed at the same time.] [Scene: The Movie Set. We pick up exactly where we left off with Joey looking around in shock.] Joey: Dawson, this is incredible. Dawson: All that stuff about you can't go home again. Joey: You can. Dawson: Through the magic of movies. Joey: Isn't your mom gonna freak when she sees your house in a horror movie? Dawson: Heh heh. It probably won't be too good for property values, but you got to admit it's kind of cool. Joey: It's more than cool. Dawson, this is spectacular. It's like it's your movie. Dawson: Well, except it's not. I'm just the director's assistant. Joey: Come on, you have to admit you've come a long way since sea creatures from the deep. I mean... it's like it's the real thing. Dawson: As real as something can be that's entirely an illusion. Joey: Entirely? Dawson: Well, see for yourself [The go upstairs to the door of Dawson's bedroom, and open it to find an empty area that opens up to the roof of the porch. The walk out to the edge and look down, and Dawson walks up and puts his arms around Joey's waist.] Dawson: [Chuckles] Yeah. We, uh... kind of ran out of money. Hmm. [Todd comes walking over to them from below] Todd: Leery, you sick b*st*rd! How many times have I told you... hello, hello, hello. Leery's got a bird. Dawson: Oh, boy. [Joey and Dawson go down to meet him.] Dawson: Todd, Joey. Joey...Todd. Todd: Hey. Joey: Hi. Dawson: Joey goes to Worthington. Todd: What's that, like a college or something? Joey: Yeah. Todd: Never heard of it. So, what do you think of our set? Joey: Um, it's amazing. Todd: It will be. Do you still got that list we made of all the bloody things wrong with it? Dawson: Every bloody one. I already got the art department started on the corrections. Todd: Excellent. We're coming back and filming in 2 weeks, you know. Joey: That's what I heard. Todd: So, you'll, uh... you'll come back and visit us then, then? Joey: I hope so. Dawson: Ok. Bye. [Dawson leads Todd away from Joey for a minute] Todd: You've giving me the bum's rush out of here, isn't you? Is that so you can take the night off and go frolicking with that bird? Dawson: Something like that. Todd: So, what time's the car leave for the airport tomorrow? Dawson: 8:00. Wake-up call 7:30, second wake-up call 7:45. Todd: Right. So, I'll see you then. Go get 'em, tiger. [Scene: Emma's Apartment. Audrey, Pacey and Jack have just arrived and walked in looking for Emma.] Audrey: Whoa. Nice place. Jack: Yeah. Yes, this is definitely the one. Pacey: All right, so we're all clear on exactly what it is thing we need to do here, right? Audrey: I don't know. It might actually be a little too nice. Pacey: Audrey-- Audrey: yes, clear. Audrey Liddell, character witness for the defense. Whatever. Hello? Hi. I'm, um, I'm here about the apartment. Emma: I remember you. For yourself? Audrey: In a way, yes. Emma: In a way that involves you living here and me never having to see either of these 2 wastrels again for the rest of my natural-born life? Audrey: Not exactly, no. Emma: I'm afraid there's been some sort of mistake. Pacey: Whoa, hey. Just hold on a second here. You're not even gonna let the woman speak her mind? Emma: Well, the fact that she's with you raises serious doubts as to whether she has one. Pacey: Look, I just want a second chance because I obviously did not make the best first impression yesterday, but I am positive that if you did give me a second chance, I could sell you on the obvious benefits of living with 2 fine young gentlemen like-- [Two women walks down the stairs and stop halfway down] Woman: yeah, hi. Um... we thought it over and we'll take it. [Emma turns back with a mocking smile on her face for Pacey] Emma: Sorry. It's too late. Nice tie, by the way. [Scene: The counseling Center. Jen is standing near the door, as one of the members is giving a pep speech to the people who have all gone there.] Woman: Ok, so, as I was saying, most of what we do around here is simply information and referrals. And 99 times out of 100 just reminding someone to take a deep breath... [Inhales] And to keep on breathing is enough. Tomorrow will be another day, for you, too. Which brings me to our number one rule around here: Never be afraid to ask for a hug at the end of a tough day. [Gen Leaves and runs into the guy from earlier outside.] Guy: Hey, Jen! Hi. You made it. Jen: Yep. Made it. Guy: Well, let's go. We're late. Jen: You know, I'm sorry. I can't go back in there. Guy: Back in there? Jen: Yeah, I was already in there. I saw the posters, the-- it's just--it's just that it's not for me-- the hugging and the one day at a time. Guy: Oh, ok. I see. So, you're one of those people who've found some other way to live, one that doesn't involve one day at a time. Jen: Look, I don't want to knock your system. I'm sure that it's a really good system, but-- Guy: it's just not cool enough for you. That's fine. Jen: No, I didn't say that. I--I mean, honestly, I think it's really nice that you have something that you believe in like that. Guy: You say that like it's a bad thing. Jen: No, it--it's just that I'm not much of a joiner. Um... it was really nice to meet you... and good luck, and...bye. [Jen goes to leave] Guy: So, then, why did you come? Jen: Um...that's not obvious? Guy: For argument's sake, let's say it's not. Jen: I made myself this promise over the summer. Guy: What was that? Jen: That, no matter what, I would really do things differently this year, like try to make new friends and stuff, and I can't do that by pretending to be somebody that I'm not, because then those friends that I make would think that I'm something that I'm not. Guy: And what aren't you? Jen: Well, for starters, I'm not as great as a person as you think I am. Guy: Well, that's too bad. It was nice to meet you. And no matter what happens this year, I hope you do one thing. Jen: What's that? Guy: Change your mind about yourself. [Scene: Emma's Apartment. Pacey is still trying to convince her to let them move in.] Pacey: Listen, Emma, you're gonna have to take my word for this, but lesbians are notorious for committing too soon. You give it a week, they're gonna be splitsville and throwing your appliances at each other. Emma: How do you know I'm not gonna be throwing my appliances at you? And, for that matter, how do you know I'm not a lesbian? Pacey: That's a good point. Emma: And you make your living selling people stuff. Pacey: [Chuckles] It's just I-- when you stop and think about this, you're going to realize that the benefits to living with the two of us far outweigh the disadvantages. So let's just think about it for one second, shall we? How is it that 2 schlubs like us can afford to live in a place like this, because the neighborhood is not that great, am I right? I am right, so you gotta give me that one, right? Living with 2 guys, it's like having free security. Secondly, I am a fantastic cook, and I will cook you anything, anytime, anywhere, but the piece de resistance, and we discussed this last night, I am a thoroughly monogamous, domesticated, American male with a girlfriend, a steady girlfriend. [He points to Audrey, who takes a cue from this] Audrey: Yeah, it's true, you know, about the cooking, although... we'll probably actually be breaking up soon, and then god knows what string of hos he'll have running through this joint, and he's really noisy, too, [Laughs] Audrey: Especially when he's, um, having-- Pacey: honey? Honey. Audrey: Darling. Pacey: Sweetheart? Audrey: Yes. Pacey: Sidebar. Audrey: Sure! Pacey: Excuse me. [Pacey pulls Audrey aside. While he is doing this Jack has gone over and begun talking to the two women interested in the apartment.] Jack: Well, I mean, you know, it's a pretty cool place... yeah. But she told you about the--the mice problem, right? [He looks over at Audrey and Pacey who are having a conversation of their own] Pacey: Ohh, god. [Chuckles] Thought you were gonna be helping on this. Audrey: I didn't like this situation last night, and now that I see you bantering back and forth with that girl, I like it even less! Pacey: That Girl? That girl hates me! Audrey: I know. She hates you too much. I don't trust it! [The women with Jack look a little worried.] Woman: Thank you. Jack: Sure, no problem. Yeah, anytime. [The women begins to make their way out of the apartment] Emma: Hey! Woman: Thank you very much. Let's go. Emma: He--hey--no! Hello! Wait! Please stop. Where are you going? Hello! Hi! Wait! Wait! Come back! [Emma tries to stop them] Pacey: What did you say? Jack: Oh, my love for this apartment knows no ethical boundaries. [Scene: The movie set. IT is the end of the day, and everyone is leaving. The lights begins to shut off when Dawson finally comes over to join Joey who has been waiting for him.] Dawson: I'm sorry that took so long. Joey: Oh. No problem. Dawson: So, I was thinking... Joey: mmm. Always a dangerous proposition. Dawson: Yeah. I'm thinking I wanna take you out tonight. For your birthday, officially. If you don't have other plans. Joey: Well, [Laughs] Considering no one else even remembered my birthday, I can't imagine any other plans I would have. But, Dawson, I'd kinda like to change first. I-- I thought maybe we could have a, uh, drink before dinner. [Dawson leads her through the house set, and makes his way onto the porch, and stops, and flicks a switch an hundreds of twinkle lights around the porch light up. Dawson points to a table on the porch where there is a gift basket lying next to it.] Joey: Kinda hokey, don't you think? Dawson: Yeah, that's exactly what I think. Joey: You put a little thought into this. Dawson: Just a little. Joey: Whoa! There must be, like, $100 worth of stuff in here. Dawson: Mmm, it's probably more like, 200. Joey: [reads card] "Dear Todd, thanks for choosing us. We look forward to processing your dailies"? Dawson: Champagne? Joey: Dawson, isn't Satan gonna notice that this is gone? [Pop] Dawson: You know how many gift baskets a Hollywood director gets at the start of a new production? Joey: How many? Dawson: A lot. [He hands her a cup full of champagne] Dawson: A toast. To Joey potter... on her 19th birthday, a day that will live in infamy. Joey: A great day. Dawson: And one that hasn't ended yet. [They begin to kiss again] [Scene: Outside Joey's Dorm room. Joey and Dawson come walking up to the door hand in hand. They stop before going into the room.] Joey: It's late, isn't it? Dawson: Mmm. Joey: Guess we sort of lost track of time. Dawson: Yeah, in a good way. Joey: Meaning? Dawson: Time's the enemy, right? Our enemy? Joey: Mmm, you're not planning on turning into a pumpkin at midnight? Dawson: No, but I am leaving tomorrow. Joey: And then what? Dawson: And then I come back. Joey: Back to what, exactly? Dawson: To us. [Cell phone rings] Joey: Do you hear something? Dawson: Nope. Joey: You should answer that, you know. Dawson: Why? Joey: Because you love that job. [Sighs and laughs] [He looks at the phone and hangs it up] Dawson: Not him. Joey: You're lying. Dawson: No, I'm not. [cell phone rings again] Joey: Dawson, yes, you are. [She grabs the phone from him and opens it up to look at the caller ID] Dawson: I'm not. Wha-- hey, Joey! What--giv--give me-- [Laughs] Joey: Who's the girl? Dawson: Joey... Joey: no, who's the girl calling your cell phone? Dawson: That's not fair. Joey: No, tell me. Who is it? Dawson: Nobody. Joey: Oh, nobody. That's interesting because she-- s Dawson: he's a friend. She's a--some friend from L.A. Joey: Well, first she's nobody, and now she's a friend. Which is it, Dawson? Dawson: She's just a girl. She's a girl I've been kind of seeing. [Audrey comes out of the dorm room, and interrupts them] Audrey: Hi! Um, are you guys gonna stand out here all night? Because, um, we're trying-- not very successfully, mind you-- to throw you a surprise party. [Joey and Dawson go into the room and find Audrey, Jen, Jack, and Pacey inside.] All: Hey, surprise! Happy birthday! Audrey: [Giggles] You hate it, don't you? No! Joey: [Fake Applauds] Lucky me! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Dorm room. Joey is receiving a gift from Audrey, but everyone can sense the tension in the air.] Audrey: Do you love it? I got it at Fred Segal, so you can't return it even if you don't, but not that you would because it's totally stunning and everything! Joey: I love it, Audrey. It's great. It's just what I wanted. Thank you. Audrey: You're welcome! Jen: Joey, is something wrong? Joey: Oh, no! God, no, I-- wow, it-- excuse me for a second. [She grabs Dawson's arm and drags him into the bathroom after him and begins yelling at him, and every word can be heard outside the bathroom.] [Door slams] Joey: You have a girlfriend?! I slept with you last night, and you have a girlfriend? Jen: [To others] This is a very unhappy birthday. Dawson: I didn't say that. I said I'd been seeing someone. Joey: Seeing someone! What the hell does that mean, Dawson?! Dawson: I don't know, but the point is, Joey, I broke up with her the second something happened between us. Joey: How?! How, in your mind?! Dawson: The first thing this morning. Where do you think I went when I left? Joey: I thought you went out for breakfast! I didn't know you were getting up early to go break up with someone else! Dawson: Well, would you rather I didn't? Joey: No! I would rather you weren't involved with someone when we finally sleep together! Dawson: Joey, I'm sorry if this ruins the fantasy, but this girl means nothing to me compared to you-- Joey: you should've told me! Dawson: When? Where? Joey: Before! Dawson: Joey, stop! Joey: Why? Why stop now? [She exits the bathroom with Dawson following her] Joey: Everyone here who thinks Dawson should've told me he had a girlfriend before he decided to sleep with me, raise your hand. [The girls raise their hands but the guys don't] Dawson: You're blowing this way out of proportion. Jack: Uh--uh, ok, maybe you guys should, uh, just take a breather for a moment, let cooler heads prevail? Pacey: Or we could just leave. Jack: Uh, that's a great idea. Let's go. Audrey: Uh, no, I can't. Pacey: Honey, now's not the time. Audrey: I'm sorry. I know that Dawson's our friend, too, but I personally cannot leave until Joey says it's ok. Joey: It's fine, Audrey. Audrey: Ok, good. Happy birthday, Jo. Jack: They are gonna rip each other's heads off. Pacey: Let's just go. [The all leave Joey and Dawson alone] Dawson: We didn't talk at all this summer, which was your choice as much as it was mine. Joey: So I asked you to lie to me? Dawson: Joey, you and I both know if either one of us had stopped and thought for even a second last night, then what we did never would have happened, and I for one am not sorry that it did. If you are, then that's-- that's a completely separate argument. That's actually a much bigger deal than-- Joey: Dawson, you have a girlfriend! How is that not a big deal? Dawson: Had a girlfriend, Joey. And, look, I'm willing to admit that the timing on this is far from perfect, but I'm sick of waiting for this so-called perfect timing that's obviously never gonna happen for us. Joey: Oh, yeah, right. You know, it's... better to just get it over with and move on, you know? "Slept with Joey. Just... cross that off my list of things to do." Dawson: You know that's not how I think. Joey: How do I know that, Dawson? I haven't talked to you all summer. Apparently you've changed so much that you're willing-- Dawson: you really think I'd wanna sleep with you and not want it to mean more, Joey? You think I've been waiting all these years for us to have one night together and then go our separate ways? Joey: Oh, I'm sorry you got sick of waiting, Dawson. I'm sorry that I wanted our first time to mean something more than just-- Dawson: it does mean more, Joey! It-- I mean, it--it means everything to me. I-- I don't know what it means to you. Joey: Oh, you're saying that I wanted this to happen? Dawson: No, 'cause that would involve you actually knowing what you want, which we both know is not likely to happen anytime this decade. Joey: Oh, great, you know? Use something when I was a child! Dawson: You're still a child, Joey. You're still the same scared little girl who-- Joey: who what? Who what, Dawson? Who broke your heart? God! Is the statute of limitations ever gonna end on that one? Ever?! Dawson, I'm sorry I don't have the same dreams I had when I was 15 years old, and I'm sorry that I moved on faster than you did, but you know what? Maybe not everything that happens to you is my fault! And maybe just because I want more from my life than-- Dawson: more than what? More than us? You don't know, do you? You've never known. The entire time I've known you, all you've wanted to do is escape. From me, from Capeside. I mean, you say that I'm the dreamer. I'm the one who doesn't wanna live in the real world. Well, I'm doing it, Joey. Right now. I'm living in the real world. It's you who wants the fantasy. Joey: I want the fantasy? Dawson: Yes. Joey: Who lit the candles? Who bought the champagne? Dawson: Who dumped who 4 years ago? Joey, I know what I want. I've always known what I want. Before we destroy whatever chance we might actually have at having a relationship, I'm asking you, please, stop and think about this. Is this really what you want? Is this... really the way that you want things to end between us? [Joey thinks this over and the camera fades out] [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Jen, Audrey, Pacey and Jack are sitting at a table together after getting out of the war zone.] Audrey: They do this all the time, right? No big whoop. I mean, it's normal to fight. It's healthy. Pacey: Ooh, I don't know if healthy's the word I would use to describe their relationship. I mean, I'm all for "will they, won't they" finally getting their shot, but for 2 people to be that dependent on each other for their life's happiness is just-- Audrey: incredibly romantic? Pacey: Or perhaps structurally unsound? Jack: Yeah, I'll second that. Jen: Whoa, wait a second. All of a sudden you're coming out as some sort of nonbeliever? Jack: Hey, let's not forget who broke them up the first time around. Audrey: Ooh! Jen? Jen: Oh, don't look at me. I'm too far messed up in this thing to have an opinion. I am just the road kill on the Dawson and Joey highway. Audrey: [Laughs] [Emma walks up carrying a tray of drinks] Jen: Ok... 4 incredibly expensive soft drinks. Audrey: Thanks. Jack: Thank you. Jen: Can I get you lot anything else? Didn't think so. [Emma leaves and Jack goes after her] Jack: Uh, Emma, hold on a sec. Jen: Yes? Jack: Listen, I, uh, just wanted to apologize for this afternoon-- Jen: you can have it. Jack: Excuse me? Jen: The flat. You can have it. I just didn't want to give your little friend there the satisfaction, but he was right about the security. The neighbors got broken into twice last year. So, if you like, you can move in at the weekend. [She hands him a set of keys] Jack: You will not regret this. Jen: Oh, yes, I will. Jack: [Chuckles] Thank you. [Jack calmly walks back to the table like nothing has happened] Pacey: So what did she say? [He throws the keys onto the table] Jack: We're moving in this weekend. Pacey: Seriously? Yes! Grr! Jack: Ok, I suppose a toast is in order, though why I should be toasting to you leaving me all alone at grams' is beyond me. Audrey: Yeah, and I don't really think I should celebrate something that could be the death knell of my relationship. Pacey: Well, we're in a bit of a bind then, 'cause we do need a toast. Jack: Well, uh... to friendship then. Pacey: To friendship. Jen: To friendships. Audrey: To friendship. [Audrey laughs] [Scene: Joey's Dorm Room. Dawson is sitting alone on the floor at the foot of Joey's bed, while she is in the bathroom crying. The camera goes back and forth between them, until finally Joey dries the tears from her eyes, and walks out of the bathroom, and Dawson slowly looks up to her.] Joey: What time's your flight? Dawson: 10:00. Joey: You should probably allow extra time-- Dawson: I will. Why are you doing this, Joey? Joey: We're doing this, Dawson. It's what we do. It's what we always do. Dawson: Last night was real. Today was real. It's you, not me, who doesn't wanna deal with the realities of an adult relationship. Joey: You're right. Dawson: That's it? I'm right? Joey: I want the fantasy. I want more than anything for us to be together. But not like this. Not screaming at the top of our lungs about things that happened 4 years ago. Dawson: But if we can't argue like this and get past it, then... Joey: maybe there's nothing here worth saving. Maybe last night was just... Dawson: Just what? Joey: Just 2 old friends making a huge mistake. Dawson: Wow. If that's the way you feel, then--then I... should go. [Dawson grabs his bag and leaves. He closes the door behind them and begins to walk down the hall. He stops and goes back to the door, and just as he is about to grab the handle of the door, he stops himself. We see Joey on the other side of the door, with her hand almost on the door handle too, and she is also slowly pulling away from the handle.] Dawson: [Sighs] [Dawson leaves, and the time passes in Joey's dorm room, we eventually find her lying on her bed crying, and sh is looking at the snow globe that Dawson gave her, and the camera pulls to it, then fades]

Dawson and Joey's reunion leads to an evening of truth and intimacy, which is ruined on Joey's birthday when Dawson receives a phone call from another woman. Pacey gets a job interview that could change his life. Sparks fly between Jen and C.J., a handsome new peer counselor she meets at school.

fd_NCIS_03x04

fd_NCIS_03x04_0

INT. ANTHROPOLOGY LAB - DAY BURNS: (ON CAMERA) Welcome to the Smithsonian Anthropology Lab. I'm Doctor Elaine Burns and you're watching the Recovery Channel. (V.O.) Tonight we'll be opening a time capsule from the Civil War. Lights, please. This iron casket represents one of America's first uses of rubber in an industrial process, sealing in the dead from the ravages of weather and time. Now what makes this one particularly special is that all of its seals were found to be fully intact. Gentlemen, what we're hoping to find inside are some of the best preserved remains from the Civil War era. This is unbelievable. This type of preservation is unheard of in a hundred and forty year old body. (SFX: CASKET OPENS) CAMERAMAN: Joe. We have a problem. DIRECTOR: (V.O.) Doctor Burns? BURNS: Yes? DIRECTOR: I don't think they carried those in the Civil War. (FADE OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES / CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (SFX: ELECTRIC RAZOR B.G.) TONY: I friggin' hate Mondays. Friggin' Fat Al's All-you-can-eat Burrito Shack. More like Fat Al's bacteria shack. Come on. I shouldn't have come into work today. Gibbs sees me like this... ZIVA: He'll probably be as horrified as I am, Agent DiNozzo. You working undercover as a hobo? TONY: You mind telling me what you're doing here... again? ZIVA: Um... waiting. TONY: For what? ZIVA: To start work. Does everyone always come in this late? TONY: It's zero seven hundred. ZIVA: At Mossad we start at zero five hundred. TONY: Okay, let me rephrase the original question. What the hell are you doing here, Ziva? ZIVA: I see. Gibbs didn't tell you? TONY: Tell me what? ZIVA: Mossad's assigned me to NCIS as a liaison officer. We're going to be working together. TONY: Does Gibbs knows about this? ZIVA: Do you think I'd be here if he didn't? (CHUCKLES) You might want to do something about your hair. It's sticking up like a pork-u-swine. Wrong word. Like a pork-u-pig? The little animal with the little spikies, yes? MCGEE: Porcupine. ZIVA: Porcupine! Thank you, Special Agent McGee. Hold that. MCGEE: Sure. ZIVA: Hmm. Anyone have a key for this? MCGEE: That's Kate's desk. ZIVA: Okay, but if I'm going to be a part of your team I would love to... MCGEE: Whoa! You're part of our team? ZIVA: Yes. MCGEE: Did Gibbs tell you about this? TONY: Nope. ZIVA: Here are my orders. Signed by Director Shepard. MCGEE: You think Gibbs knows? ZIVA: I hope so. All my personal possessions are currently being shipped from Tel Aviv to Washington. TONY: I'd hold off on unpacking the waffle iron until you talk to him, Ziva. ZIVA: When's he come in? TONY: Now.(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) ZIVA: Special Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Ziva. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENES OF ARI) GIBBS: What are you doing here? ZIVA: Looking forward to being a member of your team. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) ZIVA: I stand corrected. It appears he didn't know. . I feel very much like a donkey's butt. MCGEE: A donkey's butt? TONY: I think she meant horse's ass, McGee. ZIVA: Yes. That, too. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY SHEPARD: Something I can help you with this morning, Special Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: Yeah. I've got a personnel issue. You know anything about that? SHEPARD: I take it Ziva arrived a few days early? Right. Before we get into this, I'm going to need a refill. (GIBBS POURS COFFEE INTO SHEPARD'S CUP) SHEPARD: That was sweet... not necessarily sanitary. GIBBS: What is she doing here, Jen? SHEPARD: If we're going to fight a global war on terror, we need to work closely with our allies. GIBBS: Well that sounds good. Put her on somebody else's team. SHEPARD: I want her with you, Jethro. GIBBS: Mossad trained her to spy and kill, not to investigate crime scenes. Send her to CIA. SHEPARD: Just to be clear, this is not a request or a debate, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Mmm. Anything else you want to change about my team while I'm here? SHEPARD: Look, if anything, you're lucky to have her. She's one of the finest agents I ever worked with in Europe. GIBBS: Why didn't you ask me first, Jen? SHEPARD: And what would you have said? (BEAT) Exactly. Number eighteen, it's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission. GIBBS: Oh, that's real nice. Using the rules I taught you against me. Nice touch. SHEPARD: I learned from the best, Jethro. I want Ziva to as well. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: You want something to read? ZIVA: What do you have? TONY: G.S.M. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them. ZIVA: I read it on the plane. I especially like the article on page fifty-seven. In my experience, it works every time. TONY: I... I always thought that was urban legend. (GIBBS THROWS A COFFEE CUP AT TONY) TONY: Ow! ZIVA: What's the verdict? GIBBS: Pack your trash. ZIVA: Not a problem. Most of it doesn't arrive until next week. Nice seeing you again, Tony. McGee. (ZIVA WALKS TO THE ELEVATOR) (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) GIBBS: I told you to pack your trash, Ziva. I don't remember giving you permission to leave yet. (SFX: ELEVATOR STOPS) GIBBS: You requested this assignment? ZIVA: I did. GIBBS: Why? ZIVA: I had to get away from Mossad for a while. GIBBS: Do you believe what Ari said about your father? ZIVA: No. Yes. Maybe. GIBBS: Your brother was a Svengali, Ziva. ZIVA: Like father. Like son. GIBBS: Does Mossad know you killed Ari? ZIVA: No. They believe your report. Only you and I know the truth. For that I thank you. GIBBS: I trust you. You know that. But when we leave this elevator... ZIVA: You start kicking my butt. GIBBS: I don't kick butt. (SFX: ELEVATOR BEGINS MOVING) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Miss David will be with us for a while. That's Kate's desk. Yours is down at the end. ZIVA: He's a tough one to read. TONY: You'll find most NCIS agents are like that. It's our training. ZIVA: Is that a fact? TONY: Mm-hmm. We never let the other people know what we're thinking. ZIVA: Right now you're thinking of doing page fifty seven with me. MCGEE: Boss, we have a situation at the Smithsonian Museum. GIBBS: What? MCGEE: Well, it's kind of complicated, but there may have been a murder. GIBBS: May have been, McGee? MCGEE: Yeah, well they have a Union soldier who was dug up from a battlefield in Manassas. And now they think that he may be a Marine. GIBBS: It was the Civil War, McGee. Marines fought on both sides. MCGEE: Right. Yeah, I know. But this Marine had dog tags. They didn't exist back then. I know that you know that, being a Marine. GIBBS: Get to the point, McGee! MCGEE: Well, they think that this Marine was killed recently and somehow buried in a way they can't quite explain it but in a hundred and forty year old cast iron sarcophagus. GIBBS: Dressed as a Union soldier? MCGEE: Basically, yeah. GIBBS: Gas the truck, McGee. DiNozzo! TONY: Yeah, boss! GIBBS: I've got a murder in your area of expertise. TONY: This happens a lot, me being a Senior Field Agent and all. ZIVA: I'm sure it does. TONY: What do we got, Boss? Multiple homicides? GIBBS: No. TONY: Gang related? GIBBS: No. TONY: Defenestration? GIBBS: The Civil War. TONY: I can hardly wait. That's my favorite subject. ZIVA: What about me? GIBBS: You're coming along strictly as an observer. Hand over all your weapons. ZIVA: Is that really necessary? Right. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA HANDS OVER HER WEAPONS) GIBBS: And your backup. ZIVA: What backup? GIBBS: Left leg. ZIVA: Oh. That one. GIBBS: And the knife concealed at your waist. You can keep this. I just want you to know that I know. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ANTHROPOLOGY LAB - DAY DUCKY: According to his dog tags, the young man is Warren Sorrow, U.S.M.C. GIBBS: How long has he been in there, Duck? DUCKY: He's remarkably well preserved. Could be months or even years. We'll know more when we get him home. You know, in the nineteen seventies, grave-robbers raided a Southern Colonel's cast-iron casket. They took his weapons, his jewelry, and for some strange reason, the poor man's head. When the local authorities found the hundred year old decomposing corpse, they assumed he was recently decapitated. They opened a murder investigation. GIBBS: This guy's still got his head. We're not local cops. I want to know how he died. BURNS: I can help with that. Doctor Mallard, well how nice to see you again. DUCKY: Yes. It is. How are you? BURNS: Doctor Elaine Burns. We met in Hawaii almost eighteen years ago. (BEAT) The conference on identifying POW remains in Vietnam? DUCKY: Yes, of course. How wonderful to see you again. BURNS: I still have that puka shell necklace you gave me. DUCKY: Yes, quite the keepsake, aren't they? GIBBS: Do you have information on how this man died, Doctor? BURNS: Ah, yes. We took the liberty of imaging the corpse before we knew for sure we were dealing with an actual homicide and not just some sick hoax. GIBBS: Meaning you disturbed my crime scene? BURNS: As a forensic anthropologist, I can assure you my examination was strictly non-evasive. There. Now I've seen several images like this in the past, but you can't be certain until you get it out. GIBBS: Get what out? BURNS: In my opinion, it's a musket ball. (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. ANTHROPOLOGY LAB - DAY ZIVA: I don't think this is what Gibbs had in mind when he instructed me to observe.(SFX: SHUTTER CLICKS B.G.) TONY: Do you have any idea how many people get killed in America by bears every year, Ziva? ZIVA: No, but I can't imagine a lot. TONY: You'd be surprised. ZIVA: McGee? MCGEE: Uh... I think it's about one. ZIVA: Isn't there something more constructive you could be doing? TONY: Like what? ZIVA: Investigating. GIBBS: DiNozzo and McGee. Report in. TONY: Casket was uncovered by a housing project going up near the Bull Run Battlefield in Manassas, Boss. Got the name and address of the construction company. Scheduled an interview and soil test for tomorrow. MCGEE: The only thing removed from the casket was one cell phone, damaged and non operational. I've also got the prints of the lab workers to run against any we find in or around the body and tomb. And Doctor Burns was wearing surgical gloves when she picked this up. GIBBS: Good work. Miss David? ZIVA: I'm wondering why there's a nine-millimeter hole in my hat. GIBBS: Ventilation. ZIVA: Oh. GIBBS: I'll escort the casket back with Ducky. We'll meet in the squad room. ZIVA: Agent Gibbs? I would also like to know if I could drive the truck back to base. It might make me feel as if I actually accomplished something today. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. TRUCK - MOVING TONY: Hey, not so fast! ZIVA: I always drive fast! It's the best way to avoid possible IEDs and ambushes. TONY: You're in America now. I wouldn't worry about it. How about this? Slow down or I'll puke on you. ZIVA: Tony, why don't you like the American Civil War? TONY: I don't want to talk about it. MCGEE: It's because of his father. TONY: Was she talking to you, Probie? ZIVA: Oh. You didn't get along with your father. Hm... explains a lot. TONY: My father and I got along fine. ZIVA: If you say so. I think it's best to talk about things instead of burying them inside. MCGEE: What about you? Your father? Deputy Director David, what's he like? TONY: Slow down, we're taking the next left. (SFX: CAR HORNS HONK/TIRES SCREECH) MCGEE: Ziva, car! Car! Car! (TONY SHOUTS) ZIVA: Sorry. First time behind the wheel after a six month mission in the U.K. (SFX: TONY VOMITS) (PASSAGE OF TIME) ZIVA: I said I was sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: We ran his prints through AFIS. It is confirmed our Union soldier is Staff Sergeant Warren Sorrow, an MSG instructor in Quantico. TONY: MSG stands for-- ZIVA: Marine Security Guard. I've been to over two dozen embassies around the world, Tony. GIBBS: What do we have on the Staff Sergeant, McGee? MCGEE: Reported UA about a year ago. I'm currently building a profile on what his life was like around the time of his disappearance. GIBBS: Not anymore. I want you with Abby. Find out what was on the cell phone we found in the casket. Tony, you're on the paper trail. I want to know everything about him by the time I get back. And you? You keep... you keep observing. ZIVA: What exactly, Gibbs? GIBBS: I don't care. Just do it quietly. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) ZIVA: Now I know why he took all my weapons away. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (DOOR OPENS) DUCKY: Have you ever spent an evening with a young lady and failed to remember it, Mister Palmer? Oh, what was I thinking? Of course not. JIMMY: But I wouldn't mind. DUCKY: Well, it's not something to be admired, Mister Palmer. That doctor today at the Smithsonian intimated that we shared a special something in Hawaii during a conference once. JIMMY: Yeah, what doctor was that, Doctor? DUCKY: The young and attractive one. JIMMY: Um.... still not following you. DUCKY: She was the only doctor there besides myself. JIMMY: Oh! You mean Doctor Burns? DUCKY: Yeah. JIMMY: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that you said she was young. DUCKY: Young to me, Mister Palmer. Young to me. Ah, will you rotate the head twenty degrees to the left? She invited me out for cocktails tomorrow evening. I was forced to decline. JIMMY: Why? She seemed nice. DUCKY: Oh she's more than nice. But how do you tell a woman that you have absolutely no mental recollection of her whatsoever? JIMMY: I suppose one could always lie. DUCKY: Have you been spending time with Agent DiNozzo again? (BEAT) Hmm... to Abby, please. JIMMY: Right away, Doctor. DUCKY: I don't suppose you've ever been to Hawaii. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY (MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) ABBY: That should do it. MCGEE: That's what you said the last eight times. ABBY: See? That shows how much attention you pay to me. It was nine, Timmy. MCGEE: All right. ABBY: So did we do it? Did we do it? Did we do it? Did we fix the cell phone's circuit board? MCGEE: Hold on. ABBY: Come on! You're killing me, McGee! MCGEE: Yes. Yes, I think that we fixed it. I think the circuits are - just how many Caff-Pows have you had today, Abby? ABBY: You know, the usual. MCGEE: Trust me, I think you've had more than the usual. Because I'm getting jumpy just looking at you. ABBY: Some people drown their sorrows in drugs and alcohol. I prefer caffeine. Now hook up the cell phone board and get cracking before Gibbs decides to crack you one. MCGEE: You mean crack us. ABBY: Gibbs would never hit a lady. MCGEE: Exactly. So I suggest we get started. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Ziva? ZIVA: Yes? TONY: First of all, don't ever do that again. And second, what are you doing? ZIVA: I'm observing you, Tony. TONY: Any way you can do that in a less creepy manner? ZIVA: Who is the woman with Gibbs? TONY: Yeah. Once you're here long enough, you'll figure it out. ZIVA: Is that his girlfriend? TONY: I have no idea. ZIVA: You just told me that... TONY: Well, you'll figure out there's some things around here you don't ask about. (SHEPARD WATCHES GIBBS FROM THE STAIRS) DUCKY: Where's Gibbs, Tony? TONY: Your two o'clock. GIBBS: What's wrong, Duck? DUCKY: I know how our Staff Sergeant died. GIBBS: From your look I'm guessing it wasn't a musket ball. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: At first one could assume that a projectile of such size and mass would produce almost instant death, but Pre-Civil War muskets were notoriously unreliable, and lost most of their velocity over the first hundred meters. Our Sergeant was grievously wounded by a musket ball, but his injury was not fatal. ZIVA: Then how did he die, Doctor Mallard? DUCKY: His lung tissue was coated with an extremely fine film of rust particles. And one can only imagine how long he clawed at the iron sides of his casket ... trying to escape before he suffocated. (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: A Marine dressed as a Civil War soldier is shot by a musket and then buried alive in a one hundred and forty year old antique iron casket. And you're telling me this isn't your strangest case? TONY: Yep. MCGEE: Pretty much. ZIVA: I don't know what I find more disturbing? Your eating habits or the fact that I believe you. TONY: I'm sorry, do our strange American foods frighten you? ZIVA: Not at all. I was referring to your manners. You should have bought me one. MCGEE: I'm going to go help Abby. SHEPARD: (V.O.) She seems to be fitting in well. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STAIRWELL - DAY GIBBS: She almost killed my entire team yesterday. SHEPARD: How? GIBBS: Driving home from a crime scene. SHEPARD: I should have warned you. I think she was an East European cabdriver in a past life. GIBBS: Yeah, well she wasn't a cop. She obviously has no investigative or law enforcement experience, Jen. SHEPARD: Neither did I when I first started with you. GIBBS: Yeah, well you were always a fast learner. ZIVA: (V.O.) You sure you don't want it back Tony? (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Most men usually don't have a problem with my germs. TONY: I've got a lead on how our Staff Sergeant ended up in a Union Soldier's uniform. He was a member of a local CW.... C.W.R out of Fairfax. ZIVA: C.W.R.? TONY: Yeah. Civil War Reenactors. Guys who get together, dress up in period costumes, reenacting famous battles. ZIVA: Why? TONY: I've been asking my father that since I was ten years old. ZIVA: According to this, they're preparing for one of those battles this week in Manassas. Quite the coincidence. TONY: In the immortal words of Leroy Jethro Gibbs, I don't believe in coincidences. GIBBS: Is that a fact, DiNozzo? TONY: Hey boss. I was just telling Ziva about this lead that I-- GIBBS: Yeah, I heard. Come on. Abby's found something. Let's roll. TONY: That's an American custom. A form of affection. ZIVA: It seems like "Shloshet haStooges" to me. TONY: LIKE WHAT? ZIVA: Larry, Moe, Curly, yes? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OUTER LAB - DAY (MUSIC B.G.) GIBBS: Abs?(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) ABBY: I look like a freak. Well? TONY: Whoa. MCGEE: See, I don't think she really looks that bad. ZIVA: Is she making a reference to that strange tattoo on her neck? GIBBS: Why? ABBY: One of the Director's new admin weenies brought me this last night. It's the NCIS dress code. He said I was in violation. GIBBS: He did, did he? ABBY: It's bad enough that I have to wear a monkey suit for court appearances, but everyday? ZIVA: I think you look nice, Abby. ABBY: Nice?! You think I look nice?! I look like... like... TONY: Career Girl Barbie. ABBY: Oh my god! I do! I can't work like this, Gibbs. GIBBS: I'll take care of it, Abs. ABBY: I'm allergic to polyester. It makes me itch. It's a medical condition. I could get a note from the doctor. GIBBS: Abby, I said I'll take care of it. (SFX: FLATULENCE) TONY: Don't ask. GIBBS: Can we get back to work now? ABBY: Do I have to wear the shoes? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INNER LAB - DAY ABBY: The circuit board on the cell phone was damaged. But we managed to get it working again. The battery shut down on October third, two thousand four. MCGEE: The last twenty two calls were made to nine one one. ABBY: None of them went through. TONY: He was calling from inside the casket. MCGEE: Yep, cast iron and buried underground. ABBY: I don't think anyone's calling plan extends that far, Tony. GIBBS: What are the last entries here? MCGEE: Uh... well, he was running low on oxygen, Boss. I assume that he was trying to dial another number - hit random keys. GIBBS: Find out. What did you pull from the tomb, Abs? ABBY: There were traces of Staff Sergeant Sorrow's blood inside of the cover. ZIVA: Most likely from when he tried to claw his way out. ABBY: Since his fingers were shredded, that must have been really hard to figure out.... Agent De-ved. ZIVA: It's pronounced David. Or you can just call me Ziva. ABBY: I also found two very distinct types of dirt on the outside. One is red clay which is very common in Virginia. And the other had a high concentration of fertilizer. GIBBS: Tony, meet with the construction company that found this. TONY: Zero nine hundred. GIBBS: Take Ziva with you. See if there's anything left of that crime scene. TONY: On it. ABBY: Come on, McGee. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENES OF CASKET INTERIOR) (PASSAGE OF TIME) MCGEE: Abby, what if these aren't numbers? Abby? (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MCGEE WATCHES ABBY DRESS) ABBY: See something you like, McGee? MCGEE: No. (BEAT) I mean, yes? ABBY: Better. What were you going to tell me? MCGEE: Um... what if he wasn't trying to dial a number, but he was trying to send a text message? ABBY: McGee, sometimes I think I love you. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ELEVATOR - DAY ZIVA: Tell me you have a shower here. TONY: We do. But only for biological or chemical emergencies.(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) ZIVA: Wonderful. TONY: Well you're the one who said you were sick of observing. ZIVA: You made me crawl through a dump truck full of dirt. TONY: There could have been valuable evidence in there. ZIVA: There wasn't! TONY: Yes, and thanks to you we now know that. GIBBS: How'd it go? TONY: Nothing, Boss. Building site was clean. Figuratively speaking. ZIVA: Very. TONY: We taped off the area, but we're not going to find anything. ABBY: Gibbs! We did it! GIBBS: Did what, Abs? MCGEE: Those random numbers weren't random after all, Boss. ABBY: Staff Sergeant Sorrow was leaving us a text message from the grave. (PASSAGE OF TIME) ABBY: When you put it through the cell phone's text converter, you get this. MCGEE: (READS) "Only got half. Oxbow not on his side. Kearns, don't let him get safety deposit box." TONY: That's it? ZIVA: He was buried alive, Tony. What did you expect? A soliloquy? ABBY: We ran his social through the banking system. Staff Sergeant Sorrow has a safe deposit box paid for five years at the North Virginia Savings and Trust. GIBBS: McGee, get me a warrant. MCGEE: I already called it in, Boss. GIBBS: DiNozzo, Oxbow and Kearns? TONY: On it. GIBBS: Get me into that safe deposit box. You take Ziva with you. ZIVA: Is there somewhere I can clean up? GIBBS: Yeah. Sure. Tonight when you go home. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. COURTYARD - DAY MCGEE: Ziva, let me help you with that. ZIVA: I'm not a child. MCGEE: Just trying to help. ZIVA: You make up what I missed. MCGEE: Thank you. ZIVA: Is Tony always so...? MCGEE: Yeah. ZIVA: And Gibbs? MCGEE: Oh, yeah. ZIVA: And Abby? MCGEE: Uh... Abby's... usually nice. ZIVA: Then it's me. I guess I have that effect on people. MCGEE: It's... it's not you. Ziva, the past month has been hard on everyone. But I'm glad you're here. ZIVA: Yes? MCGEE: Yeah. It means I'm not the newbie anymore. ZIVA: Ha! (ZIVA LOOKS AROUND THE COURTYARD) MCGEE: What's wrong? ZIVA: Nothing. Still getting used to America, I suppose. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SAFETY DEPOSIT ROOM - DAY SMITH: I understand Staff Sergeant Sorrow has been missing. MCGEE: Who told you that? SMITH: His brother. He's inquired several times about the safety deposit box. ZIVA: Why? SMITH: He felt if something had happened to the Staff Sergeant, he would have wanted him to have it. ZIVA: Like death? SMITH: Obviously. But without a death certificate or court order, our policy is to maintain the contents until the lease runs out. Is Staff Sergeant Sorrows missing? MCGEE: Not anymore. ZIVA: Anything else or can we open the box now? SMITH: I'll be outside if you need me. (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) ZIVA: Oof. We need to talk to his brother. MCGEE: Definitely. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SAFETY DEPOSIT ROOM - DAY ZIVA: (V.O.) A mummified hand. An ancient map. (ON CAMERA) This has to be your strangest case now, McGee. MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Thanks. (TO ZIVA) Maybe. That was Tony. Staff Sergeant Sorrow does not have a brother. So we need to pull the bank security camera footage, see if they have a shot of this guy who claims to be his brother. ZIVA: You know what this reminds me of, McGee? MCGEE: Mossad case? ZIVA: No. A Harry Potter novel. MCGEE: You read those too? ZIVA: Hmm. MCGEE: Me neither. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BANK - DAY MAN: Excuse me. Excuse me. Do you know where I can find a Kelleher Avenue? MCGEE: Uh... yeah. North of here about four blocks. MAN: Four blocks? MCGEE: Yeah. MAN: Yeah. Hey, I'm going to need that map, too. MCGEE: Excuse me? MAN: The map. Why don't you take a look at that van behind me? All right, now give me your weapon. Come on, give it to me. Now back up. Back up. MCGEE: Now what? MAN: Now you get wet. (MAN PUSHES MCGEE AND ZIVA INTO THE FOUNTAIN) (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) MCGEE: Damn it! Gibbs is going to kill me. ZIVA: Look on the bright side, McGee. At least I'm clean again. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: No, no, no. Tighter. Hold it tighter, Mister Palmer. I can put some English on it. (SFX: DUCKY TEARS OFF THE FINGER) DUCKY: Oops. Oh, dear. JIMMY: A little too much English, Doctor. DUCKY: There is no such thing. Do you know what we have here, Mister Palmer? JIMMY: A very old ring? DUCKY: Yes. And a reason to call Doctor Burns back. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Boss, I'm sorry. I screwed up and it won't happen again. GIBBS: It wasn't your fault. They used us. Used us to get into that safety deposit box for them. MCGEE: Well, he knew exactly what he wanted. All he asked for was the map. GIBBS: Map? What map? Map of what, McGee? MCGEE: I didn't really get a look at it. TONY: Maybe it was a treasure map, Probie!? You know, like gold, diamonds, silver. GIBBS: It wasn't from one of your dumb ass movies, DiNozzo. TONY: Sorry. MCGEE: We need to find this guy. Claimed he was Staff Sergeant Sorrow's brother. TONY: I might have a name for him. Been researching the words from Sorrow's farewell message. Oxbow and Kearns. MCGEE: Oxbow is the name on the map. TONY: The other name might be his. Judd Kearns, a member of the same Civil War club our dead Staff Sergeant belonged to. GIBBS: Get an address? TONY: Yeah, but he's not there. Their club is on their way to Manassas Battlefield Park for a reenactment. Should be there this afternoon. GIBBS: McGee, what else do you remember about the map? ZIVA: I think I can help with that. At Mossad, officers who failed to observe don't generally last too long. TONY: Hmm. At NCIS they apparently get drop kicked into water fountains. ZIVA: That would have never happened if I had my weapons. GIBBS: McGee, find out what this is a map of. MCGEE: I'm going to get right on it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY MCGEE: Abby, Ziva was amazing. I mean, she's got a photographic memory! (BEAT) What? ABBY: Why don't you two just get a room, McGee? MCGEE: What, you think she likes me? ABBY: McGee, never forget. I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence. DUCKY: Well perhaps we should come back then. ABBY: Ducky! Just venting. Who's your friend? DUCKY: Ah, I'd like you to meet Doctor Elaine Burns, a forensic anthropologist from the Smithsonian. BURNS: Ducky was saying you might be in need of my expertise. (PASSAGE OF TIME) BURNS: It's French, nineteenth century. Usually worn by Southern gentlemen to telegraph welcome status. It's in fantastic condition. Where'd you find it? DUCKY: On a mummified hand in a safety deposit box, I'm afraid. BURNS: Sounds like scavengers. Grave robbers. We've had more sites ruined by them than I care to remember. GIBBS: How about the map we found with it, Abs? BURNS: Certainly typical of the Civil War Period. ICF stands for Irregular Confederate Forces. Oxbow may be referring to a prominent Virginia family. ABBY: Where'd they live? BURNS: Manassas. Their mansion was destroyed in the Second Battle of Bull Run by the Union. ABBY: Remember how we found Boone's dumping grounds, Gibbs? I could run the vectors between these features and satellite imagery. GIBBS: Do it. BURNS: Well, if it is Manassas, I've had several digs there. I'd be more than willing to serve as a guide. That is if Doctor Mallard would be willing to accompany me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Boss, his club checked in with the Park Rangers. Judge Kearns is there now. Are we rolling? GIBBS: No, not yet. (TO ZIVA) Gear up. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ ZIVA GATHERS HER WEAPONS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BATTLEFIELD PARK - DAY (SFX: GUNFIRE) (VOICE: "Fire!") MCGEE: (V.O.) Bring back memories for you, Tony? ZIVA: It looks like fun. TONY: You know what little Anthony DiNozzo's job was during these reenactments, Ziva? ZIVA: Little drummer boy? TONY: No, I would carry around a bucket so these guys could take a dump. They called me "that little poo boy." GIBBS: Kearns is out here somewhere dressed as a Union Sergeant. You two with me. See if you match up any landmarks on the map. (GIBBS AND TONY WALK O.S.) ZIVA: Any suggestions, doctors? BURNS: Let me look. By the orientation of the map, I suggest we start near some of my old dig sites to the north. DUCKY: Unless... may I? During times of war mapmakers often add terrain or change the declination of north and south in order to confuse... ZIVA: Confuse the enemy before it fell into the wrong hands. DUCKY: Yeah, very good, Ziva. Yes, what troubles me about this map is this Confederate flag in the corner. ZIVA: It's unfurled in the opposite direction of most flags. DUCKY: Precisely. I think we should start looking to the south. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BATTLEFIELD CLEARING - DAY TONY: Boss, your three o'clock. Red stripes. MCGEE: That's the guy from the bank video. (BEGIN CHASE SCENE) TONY: Oh, he's going! Fast! GIBBS: You think?! Son-of-a.... [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BATTLEFIELD PARK DUCKY: Ziva, I really think we should wait for Gibbs. ZIVA: He is the one that told us to look for landmarks, Doctor Mallard. DUCKY: Land marks, yes. Following them deep into the woods, probably not. And please, call me Ducky. ZIVA: Okay, Ducky. I believe this is the trail indicated on the map. BURNS: I doubt it. Wait. The topography is completely different today. If anything we might have better luck starting near the site where the Oxbow mansion used to stand. ZIVA: We can try that next. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BATTLEFIELD CLEARING - DAY TONY: That's not bad, boss. I thought you were still behind me until you tackled him. GIBBS: Not likely, DiNozzo. TONY: What's his excuse? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BATTLEFIELD PARK - DAY ZIVA: It wasn't an "X" on the map. DUCKY: It's a cross. This is a graveyard. ZIVA: Ducky, wait here and call Gibbs. Tell him to hurry.(SFX: ELECTRIC SCREWDRIVER B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CEMETERY - DAY SOLDIER: (V.O.) We need to hurry this up. MAN TWO: Yeah, that's it. (SFX: MEN PRY OPEN THE CASKET) SOLDIER: They buried these things so the South could rise again, and now they are all mine. MAN TWO: There's got to be fifty of them here. At thirty grand a pop, that's uh... ZIVA: One point five million. Your rifle is ten feet away. I wouldn't recommend trying it. BRETT: (V.O.) I didn't do anything wrong. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BATTLEFIELD CLEARING - DAY TONY: No? What about resisting arrest, Kearns. And what's that other charge, McGee? MCGEE: Murdering Staff Sergeant Warren Sorrow. BRETT: Sorrow's dead? No way. You guys can't pin that on me! I wouldn't! They told me he got scared and took off. GIBBS: He was buried alive in a coffin, dirtbag. BRETT: I didn't sign up for this. All she said I had to do was distract you. GIBBS: DiNozzo, come on. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CEMETERY - DAY ZIVA: Ducky! Ducky, where is Gibbs?! BURNS: Ducky can't answer right now. Drop the gun now or he dies. DUCKY: I knew there was a reason I blocked you out of my mind. BURNS: Last time I ask. Drop it! DUCKY: Shoot her, Ziva. She'll only kill both of us. ZIVA: And those weapons? That is why you killed that poor Staff Sergeant? BURNS: He found Oxbow's casket on the map. He actually wanted to turn them over to a museum. SOLDIER: The only mistake we made was killing him before we got the map. BURNS: You two are going to be the unfortunate victims of scavengers. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/DUCKY FALLS FORWARD/ ZIVA THROWS A KNIFE) (SFX: GUNSHOT) (GIBBS AND TONY RUN TO THE CEMETERY) TONY: Remind me not to piss her off. GIBBS: Oh, DiNozzo, you have no idea. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT ZIVA: She's gone, Gibbs. I don't think Kate would mind. I found this, but I have a feeling she would have wanted you to have it. See you in the morning. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS LOOKS AT THE SKETCH BOOK) (MUSIC UP AND OUT)

A deceased Marine is found encased in a Civil-War era tomb at the Smithsonian museum and evidence later comes to light suggesting that he was probably buried alive. In the meantime, Ziva David returns to NCIS, having been assigned to Gibbs' team as a liaison officer for Mossad by the new director of NCIS, Jenny Shepard. Gibbs is angry she did so without consulting him, but Jenny insists that the team needs Ziva. She is forced to prove her worth to the team as they track down the people responsible for the Staff Sergeant's death, which is linked to a Civil War treasure and a lone rogue group who are working behind the scenes. When Ducky and Ziva are placed in a difficult position, Ziva shows her value by saving both their lives and as such, is finally accepted into the team, officially replacing Kate Todd.

fd_Roswell_02x21

fd_Roswell_02x21_0

"The Departure" 43rd Episode of Roswell Production Code: 2ADA21 [SCENE_BREAK] Maria (in front of chalkboard): Max and Tess are now an item. There I said it, I don't like it, but I said it. Anyway, turns out Liz was right -- Alex was murdered by an alien and the killer is still out there. Michael: (at the high school) Let me tell you what's really going on. Tess is pregnant. Maxwell's the dad. Here's the problem: the baby can't survive on earth, so we need to find a way home. Which fortunately, I think I did. [SCENE_BREAK] Max, Tess, Isabel and Michael are inside the Granolith Chamber Max: This is a key. When we insert it the Granolith will transport us...home. It will take 24 hours for it to prepare itself. When it's ready, we have to be on board or we don't go. The granolith is capable of one mission, only one. When we use it, it's gone. It's our only way home. Is everyone ready? Isabel: (shaking head) This is happening too fast. Max: We have no choice, Iz. Michael: What about Leanna? She's still out there, how can we leave? I mean, she's already killed Alex, what's to stop her from killing Liz or Kyle or Valenti or Maria. Max: I'll take care of Leanna Tess: (holding stomach) Max... Max inserts "key" into granolith and clock starts on the wall, counting down 24 hours. Max: Everyone say your goodbyes. [Opening credits] Liz, Maria, Kyle and Sean are sitting at a table at the Crashdown Maria: Oh Sean, you really gotta lose that earring. It's just so like you're obviously trying. Sean: You're retarded, you know that? Liz: I think it looks cute! Maria: Okay, lets hear from somebody other than the lowly Parker. Kyle? Kyle: Isn't it like a gay thing anyway? Sean: No, it is not a gay thing. I've got to get out of this town, I really do. Maria: Would you please stop that? Please. Kyle: What? Maria: That tapping thing, you've been doing it for like an hour! Kyle: I have? Max and Michael enter Kyle: Oh, Heckle and Jeckle - I'm out of here. Sean: Yeah. Kyle and Sean leave Max to Liz): Can we talk upstairs? Please. Max and Liz leave, Michael sits down opposite Maria. Maria: What? Oh god, somebody's dead isn't'... Michael: No, no, no. It's nothing like that. Maria: Then what is it? Michael: I have to see you tonight Max and Liz are talking upstairs Max: You were right, about Alex. He was killed by an alien. I prayed that that wasn't the case but it was. We're responsible. Liz: I never blamed you Max. I never blamed any of you. Max: I know. I know you didn't. Liz: I never wanted to lose you. Max: Me either. Liz, I need all the information that you have on Leanna. Liz: Why? Max: I have to take care of the situation. Liz: Take care of it how? Max just looks at her. Liz: Well, I'm coming with you. Max: No. Liz: I started this, I'm gonna see this through to the end. She killed Alex. Isabel is at home having dinner with her parents Diane: So, I got this call about digital cable - that you'll have a better picture, you'll get more channels and it'll actually cost less. Philip: Where's the Chinese mustard? Diane: So, I, uh, ordered it honey just to get the guy off the phone. Philip: Izzy, do you have the Chinese mustard? Isabel: No dad. Diane: Anyway, they installed it today. Philip: Without the mustard, my shrimp toast is basically inedible. Diane: And, oh my god, I've got to tell you ... some of these channels are awful. I mean, do you realize there are people teaching cooking classes naked? There are people talking politics naked. Philip: Politics? Really? Diane: Yes! I mean, it's too much. Isabel: Mom, Dad... Diane: What sweetie? Philip: What is it honey? Isabel: (pause) You, know I think the Chinese mustard is in the fridge, so I'll get it for you. Philip: Ah, thank you Diane: I don't think you need mustard, it's spicy. Isabel cries in the kitchen [SCENE_BREAK] Sheriff Valenti is taking care of Tess at the Valenti's home. Tess: Thanks, that helps. Valenti: Mm-hmm. Listen, I just want you to know if anything goes wrong... if you're not able to go home, then you have a home here. That your child has a home here too. I mean, you're uh, you're both part of this family now. We'll figure out what's wrong with the baby. We'll find a way. Tess: Thank you. Valenti: Sure. I'll get some more warm water. Tess: Thanks.... Dad. Valenti turns and looks at her questioningly. Tess: I just wanted to see what that sounded like. Valenti: How'd it sound? Tess: A little too weird. Valenti: Yeah... Tess: Yeah... [SCENE_BREAK] Max and Liz are looking into Leanne's dorm room at the University of Las Cruces from a crawl space. Leanna is sewing a button on a shirt. Liz: What are you going to do? Max: I'm gonna send a bolt of energy to that heater. It will explode. A fire will start, fast. Too fast for her to react. Liz: What about the other dorm rooms, the other students? Max: I can contain the fire with my powers long enough for everyone else to get out of the building. Liz: Max this isn't like you, it's not planned out. Leanna: (stabs herself while sewing) OW! Max: Liz, I have to do this now. Liz: Max, this doesn't seem right. Max: Go to the jeep, you don't have to be a part of this. Liz: It doesn't feel right. Max begins sending energy to the heater, while Liz has a revelation and runs to Leanne's room Liz: MAX!!! Leanna: Who are you? Liz: C'mon, c'mon. Get out! Get out! Fire! Leanna: Are you crazy? Liz: False alarm, I'm really sorry. Max to Liz): What the hell is going on? Liz: That girls' not an alien, she can't be the killer. [SCENE_BREAK] Isabel is at Alex's grave Isabel: How can I leave now, I haven't even lived yet. Alex: I know how scary it is, to have to leave ... leave this world, but as it turns out, it's not so bad. Your heart is your heart, your soul is your soul. That doesn't change. Isabel: Why should I listen to you? You're not even real - you're just a figment of my imagination. Alex: Well then you should really listen 'cause it's coming from within you. Go home. Isabel: Home to what? I was a terrible person where I come from, I betrayed my own family. And what is home, anyway? Half of me is from there, half of me is from here. What makes one half more important than the other? Alex: Well that's what you have to figure out. Isabel: Yeah. Isabel: Alex, that night, that night at the prom when we danced- it was one of the best nights of my life and I never got to tell you that. Alex: holding out his hand) My lady? Alex and Isabel dance. Scene fades to Isabel dancing alone. [SCENE_BREAK] Max and Liz are in the jeep - Max pulls over by the side of the road. Liz: Max, why are you stopping? Max: Liz, there's something I need to tell you. It's about Tess and me... Liz: You're together now, I know. Max: It's more than that. Our relationship is... uh, we spent the night together. Liz: Oh. Max: Liz... Tess is pregnant. Liz: She's... Scene fades out to commercial break. When we come back from the break, Liz and Max are in a lab looking at Leanne's blood cells from the tissue Liz stole from her room. Liz: If I were an alien, and I was having trouble threading a needle, I would probably just use my powers. But I probably wouldn't need a needle to begin with, I would probably just zap my blouse the way that Isabel did it..... They're human blood cells, take a look. Max: If Leanna was innocent, then who killed Alex? Liz: I don't know. Max: You must have some idea who it could've been! Liz: Whoever did it set up an innocent girl. We have to start from the beginning. We have to find him or her before they kill someone else. Max: I can't do that. I don't have time. Liz: What are you talking about? Max: Tess' child, our child-- Liz: Yeah, well that's your personal life. Max: It can't survive here, he's dying... We're leaving. Liz: Where? Max: We're going back Liz (pointing up): Back? Max nods silently. Liz: When is this happening? Max: Tomorrow, just after dawn. Liz: You can't leave before this is resolved. Max: The way the granolith works... Liz: I don't really want to hear about how the damn - Max: I know you don't - Liz: You can't just leave us with a killer out there. Max: I don't have a choice! Liz: Not anymore, but you did and then you got Tess pregnant! Max: I know you're upset. Liz: (yelling) I-I trusted you, I gave you everything. I jumped off bridges for you, I broke laws for you, I risked getting shot for you, I trusted you! And you go off-- God, with Tess-- God, I saved myself for you! Max: Saved yourself? You slept with Kyle! Liz: Take me home. Maria arrives at Michael's to find the room lit with candles a dinner made, and the table set. Maria: Michael? Michael: I know you like Italian, so... And I know Scooby's your favorite. Maria: What's going on? Michael: Sit down. Maria: What's this all about? Michael: Sit down please. Michael: There's a lot about you Maria. There's a lot about you, but I think what means the most to me is that you're open. You know I can look into your eyes and I can see you. I can see what you're thinking. I can see what you're feeling. How much I mean to you sometimes, how much I piss you off sometimes. But I can always see you. Maria: I see you too. Michael: No, no you don't see me. You know when Max and Liz would kiss, and Liz would get the flashes? And when we would kiss you didn't. I know how much that hurt you. Maria: That doesn't matter to me anymore Michael. Michael: The reason you didn't get the flashes is because I didn't let you get them. I didn't let you see me. I've never let anyone see me before...because there are things inside of me that I don't want people to see. There's things inside of me that I'm not so proud of. But I've thought about it, and I want you to see me. Michael: Take my hands. Maria gets flashes of Michael as a little kid, leaving the pod, fighting with Hank, finding Max and Isabel in the desert, and then flashes of their time together. Maria: Michael... Michael: There's something I have to tell... Maria kisses Michael, interrupting him [SCENE_BREAK] Kyle is at Tess's door with flowers Kyle: Is this a good time? Tess: Yeah. Kyle: I heard about what's uh, what's going on and um, congratulations. Tess: Thank you. Kyle: Are you feeling okay? Tess: Not so good, but I'll be all right. Kyle: Well I just, wanted to say that it's meant a lot to me... Kyle gets a flash of Alex in the mirror Tess: You okay? Kyle: Oh yeah, yeah. It's nothing. Anyway, I just, I don't usually talk about this but uh, my mom left when I was six, and with you being here it's, uh felt like family again. That's all, I don't want to get all weepy or anything. Tess: Kyle... Kyle I feel the same way. (hugs him) Kyle: Okay, okay. Kyle gets another vision of Alex Alex: (In Kyle's vision): You are the royal four. You are created from the genetic materials of your alien predecessors and human subjects... Tess: Kyle! Alex (in Kyle's vision): You are given human forms so you can... Tess: Kyle! You okay? Kyle Kyle comes back to the present and looks at Tess Kyle: He was here. Alex was here. Tess: What are you talking about? Kyle: Alex was in this room the day he died. I can't believe I didn't even remember it, I must have blocked it out. Tess: Kyle, he wasn't. Kyle: No he was, Alex was here. I have to tell my father. Tess: Kyle come here! Kyle: Dad! Tess: Kyle! Tess mind warps Kyle Tess: What were you saying? Kyle: That I'm really gonna miss you... [SCENE_BREAK] Max and Liz are sitting in the jeep outside the Crashdown. Max: I always thought when we graduated I would give you my ring. (handing her the pendant they found at Atherton's) It looks like I won't graduate, so this is something from where I'll be. Liz: I can't believe that this is what I have of you. I can't believe that after everything... Max: Liz, you never slept with Kyle, did you? Liz shakes her head no Max: I wish, I wish this all could have been different. I wish that so much. Max kisses her Liz: I guess that this is our goodbye. Just tell me one thing do you love her? Max: Not like I love you. Liz walks sadly to the Crashdown. She turns around just before she goes in and Max smiles a goodbye to her. After she goes inside, he collapses against the steering wheel in tears. [SCENE_BREAK] In Michael's apartment, Maria and Michael are lying in bed together. Maria: I think we just took a huge step in human-alien relations. I love you Michael. Michael: I love you too... but I have to leave. Max, Isabel, and Tess and I are going home. Maria: Yeah, I know. Like eventually, right? Michael: We're leaving in a few hours. We have to, I have no choice. I don't want to leave you. But we both knew someday this would happen. Maria: How much time do we have? Michael: About an hour. [SCENE_BREAK] Max finds Isabel sobbing on her bed Isabel: What if I said I wanted to stay? Max: When we came out of the pods and we lost Michael, it was just the two of us in the desert and I knew that I wasn't alone - that I had my sister. To me, earth isn't home and whatever's out there isn't home but you're my home. [SCENE_BREAK] Liz goes to the Deluca house and Sean answers the door Sean: Parker, it's 3 in the morning. They begin kissing Sean: You all right? Liz: No, I-I'm not. I'm not all right. Max Evans broke my heart. I'm sorry Sean, I'm really sorry. Sean: It's okay, it's okay... [SCENE_BREAK] Max and Isabel are making a farewell tape to their parents. Max: Mom, Dad, we know that in some way you always knew we were different... Isabel: We want you to know that we love you so much. We're orphans, we could have ended up anywhere, with anyone, but we got you. What is it they say? There but for the grace of god. I'm sorry, I'm sorry to leave you, but we have to go. I wish we didn't, I wish I could just be your girl for ever, but um... Max: You were great parents to us. We will always, always love you. Thank you, for everything. And goodbye. Max turns off the VCR. Max to Isabel): It's time [SCENE_BREAK] Max enters Valenti's to get Tess Max to Tess): Let's go Tess: Max, are you sure you want to do this? Max: Yes. Tess: Right They kiss-Tess sees flash of Max and Liz kissing Tess: You kissed Liz! Max doesn't reply. Tess: (smugly) Don't worry, you won't remember her where we're going. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael uses his powers to send the jeep over a cliff as Isabel, Max, Tess and Valenti watch. Isabel (handing the tape to Valenti): This is for our parents. Will you give it to them as soon as you're sure we're gone? Valenti: I will Isabel: Thank you. Valenti hugs Isabel and Tess goodbye and then turns to Max. Max to Valenti): Look, I need you to protect Liz, Maria and Kyle. Valenti: With my life. It's been an honor to know you Max. It's been an honor. They hug Max: Same here The pod squad walk off in the direction of the pod chamber. [SCENE_BREAK] Maria walks into her bedroom to find Liz laying on her bed. Maria: I can't believe this is happening. I-I just can't even believe it's possible! Liz: Um, hmm. Amy (from the other room): Larek. He says his name is Larek, and he's an alien. Who is Larek? Maria: (looking at Liz) My mom. Amy: And he's taken over this whole place. And he's holding us hostage here with a gun. He's pointing a gun at my daughter. He threatened my daughter. Maria: Mom, Mom what's wrong? Amy: Maria? What are you doing up, it's the middle of the night. And Liz? What are you still doing here? Amy begins tapping exactly like Kyle had been doing while they were all at the Crashdown. Liz has flashbacks of Kyle tapping his fingers at the Crashdown as well as Alex tapping his fingers on his guitar the day he died, and then remembers Tess mindwarping Amy. Liz: It's Tess! Tess mindwarped Alex! Maria: What? Liz: And Kyle! Look, we've got to go now. Liz and Maria are in Kyle's room, questioning him. Kyle: No, there's no way I've been mindwarped. I'd remember it. Maria: Kyle, that's the whole point of being mindwarped. You don't know that it's happening to you. Kyle: So I'm supposed to look around the room and what? Liz: I don't know, see if you have an unusual response to anything. Kyle begins looking around the room. He suddenly starts tapping his fingers on the dresser. Maria: Liz... Kyle: Sorry, nothing. Liz: Kyle, it could be really close, so keep looking, keep trying. Kyle sees vision of Alex talking to Tess [SCENE_BREAK] In Kyle's vision: Alex: You did this to me, you sent me to Las Cruces. Tess: Okay, Alex, Alex let me fix your mind, you're not thinking straight. Alex: You mindwarped me for two months while I decoded that silly book for you and now there's nothing left for you to mindwarp. You destroyed my mind! How could you do this to me? Tess: Kyle get out! Kyle: What's going on? Tess: Kyle go! Alex: I have nothing, I might as well be dead. Kyle: Hey just calm down! Tess: He's right okay. Calm down! Just calm down! Alex: No, you can't mindwarp me. NO!!!! Tess mindwarps Alex and he collapses. Kyle: Your duffel's all loaded. Tess: Thanks Kyle Kyle: Want me to come along? Tess: No. Go in the house. I'll take care of everything from here. [SCENE_BREAK] Kyle (to Liz and Maria): I carried his body. She made me think it was luggage. She killed him. Tess killed Alex! [SCENE_BREAK] Liz, Maria and Kyle are in Maria's Jetta on the way to the Granolith Chamber. Liz: There's the mile marker. Kyle, how much further? Kyle: It's just up ahead. Liz, Maria and Kyle are running up the hill to the Granolith Chamber Liz: Wait it's right here. Hey guys open up. Liz, Kyle, Maria: Open up!! [SCENE_BREAK] Inside the pod chamber: Michael: Max.... I can't go. Ever since we came out of the pods, I've been on some quest to figure out where I belong. I finally found home. The weird thing is, it's here, it's on earth. Max: You of all people. (They hug) Take care of yourself Michael. I love you. Michael: You're a great brother. Max: Take care of the others. Max looks over at Isabel Max: I would understand... Isabel: What you said before, you're my home too. Tess: Well, whoever is coming, we have to go. Now. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael leaves and finds Liz, Maria and Kyle outside the door. Maria: Liz! Maria (to Michael): Tess killed Alex! Michael: What? Michael, Liz, Maria, and Kyle rush into the Granolith Chamber Liz: Max stop! It was Tess. Tess killed Alex. She mindwarped Alex and sent him to Las Cruces to decode the book, but he broke out of the mindwarp and she killed him. Kyle: It's true, I was there, I witnessed it. Max: Why didn't you ever say anything? Kyle: Because she mindwarped me! Kyle: (to Tess) You lived in my home, you were like my sister! Max (looking at Tess): How long? Michael: About 3 minutes. Max: Everyone out. Michael: Max... Max: Now! After everyone else leaves Max to Tess): Did you kill Alex? Tess: I didn't want to. I wish I hadn't, but I did. Max: Why? Tess: Look Max, the-the clock's ticking, we don't really have time... Max: TELL ME WHY! Tess: He would have told you what I did and I couldn't let that happen. Max: So you just, you just killed him? Tess: I didn't mean to. His brain was just so weakened by the mindwarp, and... look, none of this matters now. Max: Life matters Tess. My life, your life, his... Tess: What matters is getting home, but you could never understand that could you? I might have been able to teach you but that stupid bitch had you wrapped around her... Max: Don't you ever call her that! Tess: See! Look how fast you run to her defense! Why couldn't you ever feel that about me? I'm your wife, Max! I'm carrying your child! Max: This was all some kind of plan to get pregnant and go home, wasn't it? Home to what, Tess? To Kivar? To our enemies? Tess: They're not my enemies, Max. Max: You made a deal with them, with Kivar. Tess: No, Nacedo made a deal, 40 years ago. Max: What was the deal? Tell me! Tess: To return home with your child, and deliver the three of you to Kivar. Max: And what would happen to us once you delivered us? Tess doesn't answer. Max: How did I ever fall in love with someone like you? How could I ever marry you? Tess: You were different-- you were a king! Now you're just a boy. Max raises his hand to Tess' neck Tess: You kill me, Max, you kill our son. Max: (agonized) Go. This isn't over, Tess Max leaves the Granolith chamber. Isabel: MAX! Max: Quick, go. Let's go! Max, Liz, Michael, Maria, Isabel and Kyle run away from the chamber, and stand to watch as the chamber disintegrates and a ship shoots out into the sky. Max to Liz): I've been really wrong about a lot. But I was right about one thing: To get you into my life, to be around you, to love you. Maria (to Michael): You opened the door and you came out-- why? (It dawns on her.) You stayed for me. Isabel: What happens now, Max? Max: I have to save my son...

Max, Isabel, Michael, and Tess struggle with goodbyes on what they believe to be their last night on Earth before they travel back to their home planet. In the final hours, Max frantically searches for the killer that is still out there and threatens the lives of everyone they love.

fd_The_Originals_01x21

fd_The_Originals_01x21_0

[Jackson and Oliver are driving to the French Quarter to deliver the stones needed for the moonlight rings] OLIVER: [looks at a duffel bag in the backseat] Lot of driving for a bag of rocks. JACKSON: We'll be in the Quarter by dawn. OLIVER: You sure the hybrid will do his part? JACKSON: [smiles] Hayley will make sure of that. OLIVER: [sarcastic] Yeah, I forgot your fianc e's got him wrapped around her finger. JACKSON: You know, Ollie, I love you like a brother, but if you don't lay off Hayley, we're gonna have a problem. OLIVER: Pay attention, Romeo. [A short distance away from them, two police cruisers are blocking the road, which forces Oliver and Jackson to stop. They are at least a half dozen police officers standing in front of the cruisers. Jackson and Oliver become extremely nervous] JACKSON: Alright, relax. Ain't done anything. [Jackson rolls down his window and sticks his head out to talk to the officers] JACKSON: Evenin', officers! OFFICER: Step out of the car. Both of you. JACKSON: [confused] What's this about? [All of the officers pull out their handguns and shotguns and aim them at Jackson and Oliver, which scares them. Marcel and Diego appear behind them] MARCEL: [smiles widely] I think you should do what the man says. [beat] Before things take a nasty turn. [Jackson and Oliver glare at them] TITLE CARD & OPENING CREDITS FRENCH QUARTER PARK [Josh is wearing sunglasses and sitting outside on a park bench with Davina, who looks worried] JOSH: Have I told you that you're awesome? 'Cause you are! I'm with the sun, [looks at his hand] daylight rings...[notices a cute boy running and checks him out] that guy jogging in a tank top... DAVINA: Josh? JOSH: Hmm? DAVINA: Now that you have a ring, I think you need to leave town. JOSH: Whoa! [takes off sunglasses] Wait, we're breaking up? DAVINA: I'm serious! JOSH: I know! Serious is kind of your default setting. Which is why you need me around to lighten you up! Ergo--not leaving. [Davina looks past Josh and notices Mikael, standing on the sidewalk across the street. She's startled, but when she tries to look again, he's gone. Josh notices she's distracted] JOSH: [concerned] Hey, you okay? DAVINA: Just witch stuff. [beat] Marcel came to me yesterday. He wanted a cloaking spell. He's going to make a move against Klaus. A big move. JOSH: [frowns] Wow, okay. Guess he forgot to call me. Rude! Did you help him? DAVINA: Yes, because I didn't want him to get killed, but if Klaus finds out, then-- JOSH: --Hey! Look, if Marcel's got a plan, maybe Klaus will buy a clue, realize he's a negative on the popularity chart, and go into vampire retirement? I hear Palm Springs is nice! [Davina worriedly looks over to where Mikael's ghost was standing, but he's no longer there] DAVINA: Klaus isn't the only thing we need to be afraid of. [Josh frowns in confusion] Look, if there's a war coming, promise me you'll go before you get caught up in it. [Josh smiles sadly and nods in agreement] THE ABBATOIR COMPOUND [In Klaus' study, Klaus has given Genevieve the pages of Esther's grimoire that contain the moonlight ring spell. She examines it as Klaus watches] GENEVIEVE: Your mother's spell is as complicated as it is elegant. She was clearly a very gifted witch. KLAUS: [snatches the page from her hand and points at it] Is this the bit, here? GENEVIEVE: [snatches it back] Hey! Like I said, it's complicated. She bound protection magic to black hyanite stones. A werewolf with the stones is free from turning on a full moon. KLAUS: And what of the improvements? GENEVIEVE: This spell will enhance speed, strength, and agility. KLAUS: There should be something in there about fangs, it's what our mother used on us when she turned us into vampires. GENEVIEVE: Not just fangs--you said you want venom, so the bite is still lethal to vampires. [Klaus smiles, as Genevieve lays the pages carefully onto the table] GENEVIEVE: Here. [slightly jealous] It should make a nice gift. I'm sure Hayley will be thrilled. KLAUS: Not just Hayley. You'll be making quite a few of these. Lets call it an even hundred. GENEVIEVE: [frowns] That's not the deal I made with Elijah. KLAUS: Well, you're dealing with me now. [croches down to whisper in her ear] And I am offering considerably more. GENEVIEVE: You think because I sleep with you, I'm suddenly at your beck and call? KLAUS: Because you sleep with me, love, I will protect you from those who might do you harm, including my brother. Because I need you, however, I'm prepared to offer something more valuable than my protection. GENEVIEVE: Which is what? KLAUS: My mother's grimoire, from which I took these spells. You see, Elijah is offering you a mere peek at these pages, but I will grant it to you as a gift. If you pledge your loyalty to me, beginning with the creation of those rings. GENEVIEVE: [shakes her head incredulously] This has been your plan all along! You want to build a werewolf army, and you're using me to do it! KLAUS: [places his hand on hers] Sweetheart, I'm not the enemy. Nor the wolves. Your abusive coven expects you to sacrifice yourself for the last of the Harvest girls. [cups her face in his hands] Do this one favor for me, and you need never fear anyone ever again. ROUSSEAU'S [Cami is working on cracking the code that Father Kieran left for her in the box that his key opens, when several men in suits come in and start clearing out the customers. Cami sees what they're doing and goes over to find out what's going on] CAMI: Hey. HEY! What are you-- FRANCESCA: [walks into the restaurant] I tried to be nice about this... [Cami quickly stuffs the notepad she was writing in into her back pocket] CAMI: Who the hell do you think you are? FRANCESCA: I am the new owner of this...[looks around in distaste] gumbo shack. Ink's not dry on the contract, yet, but I can tell you I got it cheap. Business is not what it used to be, since Sophie Deveraux kicked the bucket. [One of her security guards locks the restaurant door so no one can get in or out. Cami is nervous] CAMI: Look, I don't want any trouble. FRANCESCA: I don't really care what you want. Let's talk about what I want. CAMI: Right. My uncle's key. FRANCESCA: Mmhmm. CAMI: You said you were going to use it to protect the innocents of the city? Seems pretty ironic, considering your line of work. FRANCESCA: [smiles fakely] I'm a legitimate businesswoman who's never been convicted of a crime. [circles around Cami] And, as leader of the Human Faction, that key is mine. I gave you time to mourn. Now, time's up! CAMI: Message received. Let me just go find that key I don't have. FRANCESCA: My family's been in New Orleans a long time, Cami. Even longer than yours! And we've learned it's a very hard city to get by in if you don't have any friends. I'd like to be your friend. So I'm going to give you until tomorrow. And after that, I won't be so friendly. [Francesca smiles coldly and leaves with her security team, as Cami stares] THE DOCKS--Thierry's Warehouse [Marcel and Diego have brought Jackson and Oliver to Thierry's old warehouse at the docks. Jackson and Oliver are each bound to a chair, and both are bruised and bloody from being beaten. Diego is violently punching Oliver in the face] JACKSON: Leave him alone! MARCEL: We'll leave your boy alone when you tell us what Klaus is up to. JACKSON: How the hell should I know what he's up to? MARCEL: See, I know you've been meeting him. The stones in your duffel bag? [kneels down in front of Jackson to look him in the eye] That's black hyanite. It's pretty rare. I also know enough about witchcraft to recognize the ingredients of a spell. [Jackson glares at Marcel angrily] MARCEL: So, you'll make me ask again? [Jackson sneers at him] Okay. [Marcel backs away from them and looks at Diego, who grabs a blowtorch and walks over to them] DIEGO: You wanna know the problem with having two werewolf hostages? You really only need one. [he lights the blowtorch, and Oliver and Jackson's eyes widen in alarm] MARCEL: You Crescent boys, you think you're a bunch of badasses, but back in '25, I wiped out a whole bloodline of Guerrera werewolves. They were a LOT tougher than you. [Diego grabs Oliver by the hair and goes to aim the lit blowtorch at his face when Jackson finally stops him] JACKSON: Wait! [Diego looks over at Marcel, who gestures at him to hold off. Diego lets go of Oliver] JACKSON: You let him go, I'll tell you about the stones, about Klaus, whatever. MARCEL: Alright! Alright. A deal's a deal. But, since Nirvana here is gonna turn into a wolf in about eight hours, D, drop his ass off way out into the bayou. DIEGO: Do I at least get to kill this fool? [gestures toward Jackson] MARCEL: [looks at Jackson, who sneers at him] Nah, I got a better idea. THE FRENCH QUARTER--Rooftop [Klaus is scaling the rooftops of various buildings in the French Quarter when Elijah calls him from the Abbatoir, with Hayley] KLAUS: Yes, brother, what is it? ELIJAH: It appears our wolves have gone astray, brother. HAYLEY: [cuts in] They should have been back hours ago. ELIJAH: [interrupts] We need to find them. KLAUS: Well, that might be a bit tricky. You see, we've located their car on a back road in the middle of nowhere. I suspect they've been shanghai'd. ELIJAH: And you didn't feel the need to share this information? KLAUS: It was my intention to present you with a problem only after I had found an appropriate solution. ELIJAH: Do enlighten us. KLAUS: I'm closing in on it as we speak. The only person who would be bold enough to snatch my wolf allies is the one who has the most to lose. ELIJAH: [sighs] Marcel. HAYLEY: [scared] No, he'll kill them! KLAUS: Genevieve assures me that Marcel has procured a cloaking spell. The only witch who will aid Marcel is Davina. I just need to get one last bit of leverage before I pay her a visit. [From the rooftop, Klaus looks down below and watches as Josh carries a duffel bag to his car that is parked on the street. Josh pops the trunk to his car to put away his stuff] KLAUS: And there it is. [Klaus hangs up and jumps down behind Josh, which startles him] KLAUS: Hello, Joshua. [Klaus grabs Josh and bites him on the neck before Josh can react] COVEN HOUSE [Davina is studying in the coven's home's greenhouse, when Davina senses something nearby. Behind her, Mikael appears, looking concerned] MIKAEL: Davina! [Davina turns her head as she tries to find the source of the voice, but Mikael has disappeared. She gets up to investigate, and jumps when she hears a noise behind her. It's Josh, who has been thrown into the room] DAVINA: Josh? JOSH: [gasping] I'm sorry. DAVINA: [kneels down next to him, worried] What happened? KLAUS: [appears out of nowhere] Joshua went and got himself a werewolf bite! Well, a hybrid bite, technically, but it will kill him just the same. DAVINA: [furious] Why are you doing this? KLAUS: Well, I blame you! After all my overtures of friendship, you've once again sided with Marcel, forcing me to do horrible things to someone you care about. [Davina glares at him, and Klaus kneels down to look her in the eye] I'm not without mercy, Davina. I can cure him. But, you have to cooperate, and tell me where to find Marcel. DAVINA: Why? So you can kill him, too? KLAUS: Marcel chose his path. Seems unfair that Josh should have to suffer for it. [Davina remains silent, so Klaus gets up to leave] JOSH: Davina. Please. DAVINA: He's at a warehouse at the docks! Thierry's place. KLAUS: You see? That wasn't so hard, was it? [he walks away] DAVINA: What about Josh? KLAUS: [stops] He'll live another twenty-four hours or so. I may need you, and Joshua serves as wonderful leverage. The next time I ask a question, answer quicker. [Klaus vamp-speeds away, leaving Davina with Josh] FATHER KIERAN'S SECRET APARTMENT [Cami is at an apartment complex, whose address was the code inside Kieran's box. The owner is taking her to his room] CAMI: Uh, thank you for your time. I didn't realize my uncle even had this place until I read about it in his will. LANDLORD: The building's been in my family for decades. Your uncle helped us raise the funds to restore it after Katrina. I figured he kept this room for extra space. Anyway, I didn't ask any questions. [fumbles with his keys] You know, Father--Father K? He was as good as they come. I'm sorry for your loss. [Cami smiles kindly and nods as he unlocks the apartment] CAMI: Um, do you mind if I go in alone? [The landlord nods, and takes his leave. Cami enters the apartment, not sure what to expect. She surprised to find that it is mostly empty, with only a closet, a dining room table and chairs, and a refrigerator. Cami takes her notepad out of her purse to refer to the code she cracked, which says: "Apt 310, 456 Sycamore." She looks around for clues and finds none. She opens the fridge to see a beer inside, so she grabs it and opens it] CAMI: [mutters to herself] Here's to buried treasure. [She notices that the window by the closet has curtains, but not the other windows, so she opens the closet door. She notices a panel in the back wall of the closet, which has a duct-taped "x" on it] CAMI: [shocked] Hello. [Cami pulls the panel out to find that there is a hidden room crammed full of files, heirlooms, and historical artifacts, including the Needle of Sorrows. Cami is amazed at what she has just uncovered, and looks around until she sees a box of files labelled "Cami," and pulls it out] THE ABBATOIR COMPOUND [Hayley is pacing around the compound, worrying about their current problems. Genevieve has stayed behind to look after Hayley] HAYLEY: Elijah should have called by now. GENEVIEVE: Worrying isn't going to help. You should sit down, try to keep calm. HAYLEY: [frowns] What are you, now, magician slash zen-life-coach? GENEVIEVE: The treatment of pregnant women has advanced remarkably since I was a nurse, but even I know high blood pressure is bad for you, and your baby. [Hayley sighs and sits down] Especially now, since you're so close to term. HAYLEY: I hate this. I feel completely useless. GENEVIEVE: Don't you get it? You're the point of all this. Klaus and Elijah running all over town? [sighs] It's all for you. I'm a bit envious. HAYLEY: Great. Lucky me. GENEVIEVE: Is there anything I can get you? HAYLEY: [smiles] How about a moonlight ring? GENEVIEVE: [chuckles] The spell can't be performed until the full moon reaches its apex. And, of course, I need the stones, which will be here soon enough. Have a little faith! [Hayley isn't convinced, so she gets up and walks away] THE DOCKS--Thierry's Warehouse [Klaus and Elijah arrive at the docks and find Jackson, still bound to his chair, left with a black hood over his head. However, Marcel and Diego are gone. Jackson flinches when he's found, until he realizes he's being rescued] KLAUS: [grabs Jackson's face in his hand] Accolades to Marcel, he did quite a dance across the bridge of your nose. Where is he now? [Jackson looks around, and then looks down at the floor to find that there is an explosive rigged to the legs of his chair, which is connected to a crate that has an even larger bomb inside] ELIJAH: Nowhere to be found. [he opens a crate to find another explosive] Although, he did leave us a delightful parting gift. KLAUS: [to Jackson] What about the stones? JACKSON: [frantic] I don't know. Untie me, I'll help you find them! ELIJAH: Sit still! You'll be freed as soon as it's safe. [Elijah kneels down to examine the triggers on Jackson's chair, while Klaus looks into another crate, which holds yet another bomb] KLAUS: Our focus should be the stones. Considering Jackson's competition for Hayley's affection, I think you'd agree. ELIJAH: [to Jackson] Disregard my brother. Over the course of the last millenium, his capacity for tact has somewhat diminished. KLAUS: Well, that's typical, isn't it? Marcel fills a room with dynamite, and yet, I'm the tactless one. ELIJAH: I recognize these explosives from the attack on the bayou. Could you remind me, again, why you believed that Marcel was innocent? KLAUS: [shrugs] Remind me to ask him before I pull out his innards. [Klaus opens another crate to find that it contains at least six bombs] KLAUS: Okay, [gestures around him] exercise extreme caution in this general area. Bit of a mess. [Elijah's cell phone rings. He sees Hayley is calling him, and he answers it] ELIJAH: Impeccable timing. HAYLEY: What's going on? ELIJAH: Jackson is fine. He's...a little tied up right now. Can we call you back? [Klaus sniggers at Elijah's joke, and flips open another crate. Inside are another handful of bombs, with a folded slip of paper on top. Klaus frowns, just as the red blinking light on the bombs turn green] KLAUS: Oh, that doesn't bode well. JACKSON: [angry] Are you trying to kill us? HAYLEY: Elijah, tell me what's going on, now! [Klaus picks up the folded paper, as Elijah watches him] KLAUS: [reads the note in a whisper] "This is for Thierry" [Klaus and Elijah realize they've been set up, so Elijah quickly grabs Jackson as he and Klaus vamp-speed away as quickly as they can. Outside the warehouse, we can see the building explode in huge bursts. At home, Hayley has heard the explosion over the phone, and is terrified] [SCENE_BREAK] THE ABBATOIR COMPOUND [Hayley is pacing around in the study when Elijah, Klaus, and Jackson, all looking very disheveled and covered in ash, return home] JACKSON: [groans, and turns to Elijah] I got it. HAYLEY: [runs toward them] Thank god you're alive! [gives Jackson a hug] [looks at Elijah over his shoulder and whispers] Thank you. [Elijah nods at her and watches as Hayley and Jackson sit down to tend to his wounds] KLAUS: I'm fine, too, thanks for asking. HAYLEY: What about the stones? ELIJAH: [sighs] Scattered across the bed of the Mississippi, I'd imagine. KLAUS: [pours himself a drink] Marcel's not a fool. He knows an empowered werewolf army would mean the end of vampires in New Orleans. The explosion is his way of saying he means to prevent that. For all the good it'll do him. HAYLEY: Well, it did him pretty damn well, didn't it? [looks at Elijah, who frowns] JACKSON: This is my fault. I'll find a way to fix it. HAYLEY: [rubs his shoulder affectionately] No, Jack, you're hurt. No one's blaming you. KLAUS: I'm blaming you! Those stones will be hard to replace. [looks at Elijah] Fortunately, I always have a backup plan. [smiles evilly] [Downstairs, Francesca walks into the compound with five other men, all of whom are wearing suits, and one of whom has brought a briefcase. Klaus, Elijah, Hayley, and Jackson go down to greet her] HAYLEY: You can't seriously mean her! She's a gangster! KLAUS: I see her more as a means of procuring rare items at short notice. [to Francesca and her entourage] Greetings, Ms. Correa! I see you've brought company. FRANCESCA: These are my brothers. I always include them in delicate business matters. [to her brothers] Fellas, meet Mr. Mikaelson. KLAUS: [smiles] Please, call me Klaus. All my friends do. FRANCESCA: I don't know if I'd call us friends. [she reaches into the briefcase her brother is holding, and pulls out a small black drawstring bag] But, if you and Marcel are planning on having a little throwdown, I'd prefer my family to be on the same side as the inevitable victor. KLAUS: Then, you have what I asked for? FRANCESCA: [holds out the bag] Not enough for an army, at such short notice, but it's a start. ELIJAH: [joins the conversation] Strange, I wasn't aware that she was familiar with our plan. FRANCESCA: My price for doing business is full disclosure. Your brother complied. ELIJAH: And what does the Human Faction stand to benefit from all of this? FRANCESCA: I only want us to solidify our allegiance to the ruling class. It's good for business. KLAUS: [examining the stones] If only everyone shared your capacity for reason. FRANCESCA: Sadly, they don't. Marcel is being especially vindictive. I'm worried he might come after me, or my family, just for meeting with you. [takes a deep breath] It might be in our best interests if we combine our efforts. KLAUS: So be it! The more bodies we have to defend the compound, the better. Let's get started, shall we? [Upstairs, Hayley is patching Jackson up] HAYLEY: [finishes bandaging him up and smiles] There. JACKSON: [stands up and puts on his shirt] Thank you. HAYLEY: Don't thank me, it was Elijah who vamped your ass to safety. JACKSON: Yeah, well, he really seems to care about you. HAYLEY: [blushes] It's...complicated. JACKSON: I think that's the understatement of the year. [Hayley smiles at him] Look, I gotta go get back to the bayou before the moon rises. HAYLEY: Jackson, this will be the last time. After tonight, you'll never have to turn again. No more pain, no more hiding in the bayou. I promise. JACKSON: You know, Klaus isn't doing this out of the kindness of his heart. He's doing it for you. Hayley, you're the one who's going to change everything for us. [As Jackson is leaving, Elijah approaches them] JACKSON: [takes a deep breath] Seems I owe you yet again. [Elijah nods in acknowledgement of his thanks] ELIJAH: I understand he risked his life to save his friend. [beat] He's a good man. HAYLEY: Yes, he is. Elijah...there's something that I need to tell you. My family...wanted me...[sighs] I was supposed to be betrothed to Jackson. [Elijah is shocked] I wanted to tell you sooner, I-I just didn't know how, it's this insane custody-- ELIJAH: No, no, you don't have to explain it. I understand the need to make sacrifices for one's family. HAYLEY: [waits for him to continue, but he stays silent] Come on, Elijah. For once in your immortal life, can you just not be so noble? ELIJAH: What would you have me do? HAYLEY: I just told you that I'm betrothed, according to some backwater arrangement by people that I never knew. Tell me that you think betrothals are stupid! Tell me that I have a choice-- [Elijah stops her and kisses her passionately. The two kiss for a long moment before he pulls away] ELIJAH: You will always have a choice. THE ABBATOIR COMPOUND [In another room, Genevieve has everything arranged to start the moonlight ring spell] KLAUS: [walks into the room] I trust you're ready? GENEVIEVE: [sighs] The last ingredient is personal. As the spell is designed to control transformation, I need the blood of a werewolf who doesn't turn on a full moon. My first thought was Hayley, because of the pregnancy-- KLAUS: Out of the question. I'd just as soon limit the mother of my unborn side to the side-effects of your witchery. I am half-wolf, I control my form--use my blood. [Klaus holds his hand out to her, but when she grabs a knife to use to cut his palm, he grabs her roughly by the arm] KLAUS: If you fail to hold up your end of the deal, the consequences for you will be apocalyptic. GENEVIEVE: [nervous] You say the most romantic things. [Genevieve takes his hand and uses her knife to cut his palm. She drips the blood over the stones and it hisses as she begins the spell] THE PIT [Marcel has rallied up his army of vampires to review their battle plans before they get started] MARCEL: I appreciate ya'll coming. It's been a while. By now, you've heard what's going on. Klaus found a way to make werewolves lethal to us 24/7. The fireworks at the docks? That was me, trying to spoil his plan. He's moving forward anyway. He's got a witch, he's got a spell, and if he pulls this off? In one night, we go from hunter to prey. Now, I know what some of y'all are thinking. We stood against Klaus before, and we failed. Uh-uh. That's on me. I failed. I called off the attack because I thought it was the only way to save lives. But make no mistake--if we don't stand against him now, our lives aren't worth a damn anyway! [the crowd murmurs in agreement] A wise man said, if you know yourself, and you know your enemy, then you don't need to fear the outcome of battle! I know myself! I know my friends. And, I know my enemy! I know his strengths, I know his pride, and I know his house. Every nook and cranny. We're gonna go there tonight, hard and fast, all at once, from every angle. We kill their witch, destroy her spellbook, and get the hell out! [the crowd starts to cheer louder in agreement] And as for Klaus? He'll be coming for me, and that's exactly what I want. I'll lead him away. I just need the rest of you to get past Elijah and do what needs to be done. So, that's the plan. I need to know, right now--who's with me? [The whole crowd cheers and nods and lift their drinks up to Marcel in a show of solidarity. Marcel is proud] THE ABBATOIR COMPOUND [Genevieve continues to cast the moonlight ring spell in the Mikaelson compound, while Klaus, Hayley, and Elijah watch carefully] GENEVIEVE: [holds her hands out and chants] Tua virtuse. Materi lunare tua virtuse. Materi lunare tua virtuse. FRANCESCA: [rushes in] My people say Marcel is on the move, and he's bringing friends. KLAUS: [to Elijah] Get Hayley to safety. [rushes away] ELIJAH: [walks over to Hayley and grabs her arm] Come with me. HAYLEY: No. Some needs to watch her. [gestures to Genevieve] FRANCESCA: [to Elijah] You should help Klaus. My brothers and their security detail won't be much against a vampire army. I'll stay with Hayley. HAYLEY: [nods] Go, Elijah. [walks over to him and looks him in the eye] And don't hold back. [Elijah reluctantly agrees to this plan, and leaves to help Klaus] [Downstairs, Elijah strolls into the courtyard, where Francesca's brothers and their security guards are aiming guns at the vampires who are flooding in from every direction. He joins Klaus in the center of the room as the vampires surround them on all sides] KLAUS: [smirks] I thought this lot had learnt their lesson! ELIJAH: Well, they're not exactly reknowned for their genius. KLAUS: [to the crowd] So, where's the ringleader of this circus? [he turns to face the other side of the room] Too afraid to show his face? MARCEL: [appears on the balcony] I'm here! And I'm gonna offer you one last chance to pack your stuff and get the hell out of my town. KLAUS: You'll allow your men to rush to their deaths? Again? MARCEL: Look around. Every vampire in the Quarter is coming out! They want their city back. No surrender this time. You're gonna have to kill us all. KLAUS: [unfazed] Okay! I think I'll start with you. MARCEL: Fine. Then, come get me. [Marcel vamp-speeds away] ELIJAH: [to Klaus] If you don't kill him, I will. KLAUS: He's mine. This won't take long. [Klaus vamp-speeds away, leaving Elijah with the rest of the vampires. Elijah confidently unbuttons his jacket] ELIJAH: [smiles] Gentleman. [holds his arms wide] Shall we? [Vampires start jumping down from the balconies and lunge for him] THE FRENCH QUARTER [Klaus is angrily skulking down the street to find Marcel. After walking for a moment, he turns just in time to see Marcel jump down behind him. The two begin to fight. At first, Marcel is on top, and beats Klaus up pretty badly] KLAUS: Not bad. But, not nearly good enough. [They resume the fight. Klaus quickly gains the upper hand, and throws Marcel across the street, where he hits a parked car] KLAUS: [approaching him] How pathetic you've become. Explosives, Marcellus? Really? I should have known it was you who detonated those bombs in the bayou. MARCEL: The docks! That was me. I got the detonators from Francesca. Why don't you ask her about the bayou bombing? KLAUS: Lies! And distractions! MARCEL: [yells] I never went after Hayley! I'm not a monster, Klaus! I'm not you. [Klaus glares furiously at Marcel] FATHER KIERAN'S SECRET APARTMENT [Cami is reading through all of the files that Kieran left for her in the secret room in the apartment. Inside are newspaper clippings, family trees, and notes. One note says, "GABRIEL CORREA. BIRTH CERTIFICATE FALSIFIED? NOTE DATE: APRIL 1925." She finds the name on the family tree and follows the branches down until she sees the name "Francesca Correa." She finds another note that says, "GUERRERA WEREWOLVES--STILL IN THE QUARTER?" Cami flashes back to her earlier conversation with Francesca, when Francesca told her that her family had been in New Orleans for a long time.] [She pulls out her phone and calls Hayley] THE ABBATOIR COMPOUND [In the courtyard, Elijah is fiercely fighting against all of the vampires, and despite being severely outnumbered, he's still winning the fight. Many of the vampires try to stake him with regular wooden stakes, but he simply steals them and uses the stakes on them] [One of the security guards makes his way into the room where Genevieve is casting the spell, in order to get Francesca out of there] FRANCESCA: [holds up a hand] Not yet. SECURITY GUARD: Ms. Correa, we need to go. Your brothers are already headed out the back. GENEVIEVE: Materi lunare tua virtuse. Materi lunare tua virtuse. [Hayley's phone buzzes. It's Cami. Hayley ignores it so she can keep watching Genevieve] GENEVIEVE: Materi lunare tua virtuse. Materi lunare tua virtuse. [She stops chanting and picks up a stone to examine it] GENEVIEVE: [impressed] The stones are finished. I've done my part. Now, it's up to you. HAYLEY: [goes to grab the stones] I'll get them to the bayou. FRANCESCA: [rushes over to Genevieve and holds out her hand] Actually, she was talking to me. HAYLEY: What the hell is this? [Genevieve places the stone in Francesca's hand] FRANCESCA: Call it a side deal. The point is, I'm taking the stones. [she walks away] HAYLEY: [follows her] Are you out of your mind? You think the humans can go up against Klaus? FRANCESCA: No, I don't. But, I'm not human. [She pulls out a knife, and uses it to slit the throat of her bodyguard. When the bodyguard dies, she doubles over in pain. She looks back up at Hayley with gold eyes and fangs, revealing that she had just triggered her werewolf curse] I'm like you, Hayley. And now, I'm gonna take back my town! [Hayley lunges for Francesca] HAYLEY: Like hell you are! [Before she can do anything, Genevieve uses a spell to knock Hayley out, and she falls on the floor. Genevieve gives Francesca the rest of the stones. Genevieve looks nervous and guilty] FRANCESCA: Don't look so dour, Genevieve. We both got what we wanted. THE FRENCH QUARTER, THE ABBATOIR, AND KIERAN'S SECRET APARTMENT [The scene cuts back and forth between the various scenes] [Outside on the streets of the French Quarter, Klaus has knocked Marcel onto the ground, and is punching him in the face over and over again. Klaus starts to feel noticeably weak after a while, and stands up, leaving Marcel laying disoriented on the ground] KLAUS: Marcellus. How well your name fits you--little warrior. Though, ultimately one of no consequence. [Marcel forces himself to stand up in front of Klaus] MARCEL: My name is Marcel. [Marcel lunges at Klaus, but Klaus easily blocks him. He slams his head against a car that is parked on the street and twists his arm behind his back] KLAUS: Is there no end to your defiance? You summon Mikael, turn Rebekah against me, try to bury me in your Garden? And yet, you always fail. [Marcel tries to fight against him, but Klaus grabs his face in his hands and stares him in the eyes] What is there left to do but put you out of your misery? [Klaus lets out his hybrid face and bites Marcel on the neck, feeding on his blood] [At Kieran's apartment, Cami is leaving Hayley another voicemail] CAMI: Hayley, I've called six times. Call me back. You said you wanted to know if I learned anything about Francesca Correa? Her family is descended from a werewolf bloodline! [At the Abbatoir compound, Elijah is still fighting against the vampires] [Outside the fight, Francesca is handing out moonlight stones to her brothers] FRANCESCA: We spent two generations living a lie. And now, our time. Our time has come. [she squeezes one brother's shoulder] You know what to do. [When she leaves them, one of her brothers kills another bodyguard to trigger his werewolf curse] [Out in the streets, Klaus stops feeding on Marcel and gasps in pain. His hand has sliced itself open in the same place as Genevieve cut it during the spell. He falls to his knees, and Marcel, weakened from his hybrid bite, tries to pick himself off the floor] [At the Abbatoir compound, another one of Francesca's brothers kills another bodyguard, and triggers his curse] [Out in the streets, Klaus cries out in pain again, as if he's being affected by each newly-triggered werewolf who has a stone] [A third Correa brother triggers his curse] [Klaus sees Marcel standing up, and roars at him ferally. Marcel vamp-speeds away] [Back at the Abbatoir compound, the fountain in the courtyard is full of blood. Elijah paces around the room at all of the severely injured and dead vampires laying around the room] ELIJAH: [bored] Are we done? [Diego lurks in the corner, injured but braced for another fight. Francesca enters the room] FRANCESCA: Well, nice job! Saved me the trouble of killing all these vampires myself! [Elijah looks at her, confused, and is overwhelmed by two of Francesca's brothers, who viciously bite Elijah's neck. Diego stares in horror at the Correas, realizing that they've finished the moonlight rings. Elijah is finally dropped onto the ground] DIEGO: [terrified] RUN! [All of the wounded who can still run do so] FRANCESCA: Kill as many of them as you can. [The newly-turned werewolves rush around and attack all of the vampires that they can get their hands on. Before Diego can get away, one of the brothers finds him and latches onto his neck] ROUSSEAU'S [Klaus wanders into the restaurant and stumbles into a custodian mopping the floor] KLAUS: I'm sorry, mate, but I'm a bit famished. [Klaus bites into his neck and feeds on the man. He holds out his hand, which is still bleeding. Genevieve comes in and laughs] GENEVIEVE: You look awful. KLAUS: Why aren't I healing? What have you done to me? GENEVIEVE: [approaches him] Well, you're the one who wanted me to cast the spell. So, I made your stones...by linking their power to your blood. And now, each full moon, whenever a werewolf uses their power to keep from turning, they'll be drawing from your strength! And, causing you pain. KLAUS: [groaning in pain] After all I offered you, you will betray me? GENEVIEVE: [kneels in front of him and grabs his face] Look me in the eyes, Nik. Were you ever planning to give me your mother's grimoire? Did you care about me, even for a moment? KLAUS: [glares at her] I suppose you'll never know. GENEVIEVE: [stands up to leave] Francesca kept her end of the deal. There is, after all, honor among thieves, even if they are werewolves. And as for you? The great irony is, in wanting to take the city, you lost everything. [Klaus pulls himself to his feet] Your sister Rebekah, your adopted son Marcel, and now, even your child and her mother will suffer, all because of your greed. [Klaus lunges at her, but collapses at her feet] KLAUS: I will kill you. GENEVIEVE: As weak as you are? Doubtful. [She throws out a hand and uses a pain infliction spell on him until he passes out] COVEN HOUSE [Josh is laying on the greenhouse table, as Davina sits at his bedside] DAVINA: Josh? Please, drink this. [She helps lift his head so she can feed him some water, but it makes him gag and cough] JOSH: [groans] Oh, man. DAVINA: [near tears] Just hang on, please? [Josh lays back down on the table, very out of it. Davina is so upset that Josh is dying that she angrily throws the glass of water at the wall. Mikael appears behind her] MIKAEL: Surely you're not surprised? Deep down, you knew Niklaus would leave Joshua to die. DAVINA: [angry] Why are you still here? MIKAEL: I haven't much time left. But then, neither does your friend. DAVINA: [rubs Josh's arm soothingly] I can heal him. I'll find a way. MIKAEL: Even if you could, how long 'til it happens again? As long as Niklaus remains in your liens, you and your loved ones will continue to suffer his torment. I am the only man in history who's been able to drive him off. To bring him fear, and pain. If your friend needs Klaus' blood to survive, I've been known to spill a fair share of it. DAVINA: [skeptical] You'll help me save Josh? MIKAEL: I do have personal reasons for wanting Niklaus to suffer, but yes. I'd like nothing more than to help you. DAVINA: And all I have to do is raise you from the dead. MIKAEL: A small price to pay to cure your friend, and live a life free of a monster. Think, Davina. There still exists a weapon that can kill Klaus. Bring back the one being who has the strength to use it. [Josh has another coughing fit, which distracts Davina for a moment. When she looks back to where Mikael was standing, he's gone] JOSH: [very weak] Who were you talking to? DAVINA: [smiles] It doesn't matter. I'm gonna fix you. THE BAYOU [Oliver makes his way through the wreckage from the explosion to a cabin, just after turning back into a human. Francesca is waiting for him with a moonlight stone] FRANCESCA: It's done! [holds out a stone] A deal's a deal. OLIVER: You said the bombing was gonna be minor. No casualties. All I wanted to do was rally the Crescents against the vampires. FRANCESCA: And isn't that exactly what happened? OLIVER: [frustrated] People died! My people! My PACK! FRANCESCA: Your pack? That's funny, because it looked to me like they were ready to follow Hayley. But now, thanks to me, we have control over the very thing that will inspire loyalty from both the Crescents AND the Guerreras. [holds up his stone] The means to make our people even more powerful. The only thing that I had to trade away was the one person who could have challenged us. Poor Hayley. It is a shame. The witches drive a hard bargain. But, every revolution requires sacrifice. This city will belong to the wolves again. All we have to do [holds out his stone] is take it. [Oliver walks over to Francesca and takes the stone from her] THE ABBATOIR COMPOUND [All the vampires are still laying around the compound, either dead or dying from werewolf bites. Marcel returns to the compound to find all of his men have been attacked, just as he was] MARCEL: [distraught] No. No, no, no, no, no. [Marcel kneels beside one of his vampires, only to find that they're dead. When he checks on another one, he realizes they've been attacked by werewolves] MARCEL: No, no, no, no, no! DIEGO: [limps into the courtyard] Marcel. I'm sorry. [Marcel goes to hug Diego, but Diego stumbles and falls. Marcel catches him before he hits the ground. Cami rushes in] CAMI: Oh my god, Marcel! I've been trying to find someone, anyone! [she looks around] Where--what's happening? MARCEL: [holds her shoulds] You gotta get outta here. My guys have been bitten by wolves. They'll get sick, and then blood-crazy. CAMI: [sees his hybrid bite and thinks it's from a werewolf] We need to find Klaus, his blood can heal you. ELIJAH: [runs in in a rage] MARCEL! WHERE IS SHE? [Elijah throws a chair in anger, and Cami throws herself between Elijah and Marcel] Where's Hayley? CAMI: He doesn't have her! Please! I know you don't trust him, but you know I wouldn't lie. He doesn't have her. ELIJAH: Someone does. [he walks over to Marcel] Where is my brother? MARCEL: I left him in the street. He was gonna kill me. And then, he got jacked up by some witch's spell. [he starts to pant] ELIJAH: [furious] Genevieve. ST. ANNE'S CHURCH [A group of witches, accompanied by Genevieve, drag a struggling Hayley by her arms into the church, toward the sacristy. Monique and another witch wait for them in the pews. Hayley screams in fright in hopes that someone will hear her] GENEVIEVE: [to the witches restraining her] Get her down on the floor! MONIQUE: We should take her to the City of the Dead. GENEVIEVE: We won't make it, the baby is coming now. HAYLEY: [terrified] No! It's too soon! Ahhhhhh! GENEVIEVE: Apparently not. MONIQUE: [grabs Genevieve by the arm] The plan was to induce her when the sacrifice was ready! GENEVIEVE: I had to subdue her, and the trauma caused a placental abruption. So, the baby is coming, and we'll just have to adapt. HAYLEY: [fights against the witches holding her down] AHHH! LET ME GO! GENEVIEVE: You need to be calm, Hayley. HAYLEY: [scared] Why are you doing this to me? MONIQUE: To be reborn, you must sacrifice. HAYLEY: [pushes Monique's hand away] What does that mean, you psychotic little BITCH? GENEVIEVE: The ancestors demand an offering in exchange for power. MONIQUE: You and your child will be a fine offering. HAYLEY: No! NO! You will not take my baby, I will kill ALL OF YOU! MONIQUE: No, you won't! And neither will Klaus, or Elijah! When your baby is born, you will offer her up to those who came before us. [Hayley cries and shakes her head no as she continues to struggle against the witches' restraints] GENEVIEVE: I'm sorry, Hayley, but this is the way it had to be. HAYLEY: No! NO! NO! AAH! AAH! [Outside, Klaus weakly stumbles down the street as he hears Hayley's horrified screams. Fully enraged, he screams at the top of his lungs] Wiki

Klaus and Elijah enact a plan to collect the sacred stones needed by Genevieve in order to forever change the fates of Hayley and the werewolf community. Realizing that Klaus' plan will lead to the extermination of all French Quarter vampires, Marcel rallies an army determined to take down the Mikaelsons and regain control of the city. Davina warns Josh to leave town as she is forced to make a fateful decision that will turn the tide of war. Meanwhile, Francesca threatens Cami, who attempts to decipher a code that results in a surprising revelation among the city's factions.

fd_Salem_02x01

fd_Salem_02x01_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Man: Aah! John: This is my vow. I will come back for you. Tituba: George sibley drove John Alden off to die in the war. What do you think he's gonna do when he finds out you're pregnant with John's baby? Giles: Precious Salem caught up in a stinking witch panic. Mary: I was told you were killed. John: Was that before or after you married sibley? Tituba: What's John Alden compared to all that lies before you? Cotton: The Grand Rite, a ritual of death attributed to witches over the centuries. John: What do these witches want? Cotton: A country of their own. Mercy: I want to be just like you. Mary: All the world shall be yours. Dollie: Mercy! You said your master would protect us. Mercy: You have betrayed me. Increase: Alden is a traitor, and he is in love with a witch. John: You're one of them? Mary: Yes. Increase: Execute them on the spot. Mr. Hale: Tonight, there will be a plague released near Salem. Only those who carry the witch blood will be safe. Anne: I am not a witch! [Screams] Mary: It will end here. Cotton: Father! Mary: [Voice breaking] Cotton. Your father's gone mad! Increase: She dies now! Mercy: I am the Queen of the Night. And she will pay for what she's done. Mary: My child... lives? [Chickens clucking] Man: Hey! Stop! Get back here, boy! [Clucking continues] [Indistinct conversations] Stop! [Sheep bleats] [Animals bleating] [Dog barking in distance] [Object clatters, chicken clucks] [Man coughing] [Chicken clucking] Girl: don't go in there. Man: Who's down there? Girl: Death. [Ethereal, indistinct singing] [Doors creak] Man: [Breathing heavily] Woman: [In distance] And if that mockingbird don't sing Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring [Wings flutter] [Chicken squawks] [Grunts] [Chicken clucks] Woman: Mama's gonna buy you... Man: Boy. [Drum beating slowly] Woman: [Whimpers] The plague is among us. Man: Ma'am. Woman: [Groaning] [Drumbeats continue] Man: Aah! [Grunts] No! Aah! Aah! Woman: Help me. Man: Aah! Woman: [Strained] Help me! Man: [Screaming] Mary: Mother's gonna buy you a looking glass and if that looking glass gets broke mother's gonna buy you a black she-goat and if that black she-goat won't milk mother's gonna buy you a roll of silk You look like you've never had a lullaby before. Boy: The Widdershins don't like songs. Mary: Widdershins? Boy: They guarded me at night. Mary: Well, we'll soon change that. I shall sing to you every night. Tell me, dearest. Where were you all these years? Tell me. Tituba: Time's up. Come now, child. You'll see your mother again tomorrow. It's time to go home. Mary: This is his home. It's been three days, and I'm already tired of this arrangement. You're not taking my child from me. Boy: [Grunts] Mary: Tituba, make it stop. Tituba: Let him go, and it will. Mary: I will not be toyed with like this. They need to trust me. I am his mother. Tituba: The Elders want to make sure that you stay focused on the urgent tasks at hand. Mary: Have I not already done what none before me could accomplish? Including those decrepit, old sh1ts in the woods? At this very moment, the witch pox decimates our enemies but cannot touch those of witch blood. I will close the curtain around Salem and begin the consecration of the land with hell-blood. The gate will open on time. Tituba: No one lacks Faith in your abilities. But what remains to be done cannot be done alone. You must shore up your support. Mercy, your own creation, is dangerously unstable and Anne Hale, an infinitely greater threat. Mary: [Scoffs] That pallid blossom? Tituba: She is a cradle witch of the highest and oldest order. Come, child. Remember, time is not on our side. Mary: A month from now, every man, woman, and child in this cursed town will be dead by the pox or on our side. Tituba: You still think of John Alden. And you wonder why we don't trust you. Mary: I remember well what Rose told me. Only a broken heart can feel true malice. Watching you walk my son back into the darkness breaks it all over again every night. So, have no fear. My malice is in full bloom. And rest assured, you traitorous, little bitch, once they have tasted it, you will choke on it. [Insects chirping] You track the Indians. Your eyes are everywhere and can go anywhere. Petrus: What is it that you wish to see? Mary: I need to find John Alden. Petrus: Yes. I remember him. He was here once. Mary: But where is he now? I've heard all the reports. Scores of the militia who sought him found slaughtered with nary a trace of him. Petrus: Sit, Mistress. And give me your hands. Did you find what you were looking for? ["Cupid carries a gun" plays] Pound me the witch drums witch drums pound me the witch drums pound me the witch drums the witch drums better pray for hell not hallelujah Mary: I wonder if you even remember. Mercy: Remember what? Mary: What it feels like to sleep with your head on a pillow instead of a corpse. And your dress. Do you remember the feel of clean silk? Even your father never dressed you as poorly as this. Mercy: No, he thought nothing of my dressing. Only my undressing. Mary: We are all angry at someone, Mercy. But we can't let that control us. That would be to leave the whip in our oppressor's hand even after they're gone. Mercy: Wise words. And true. But forgive me, Lady, if I still cherish thoughts of revenge in my breast. Mary: Salem will be ours soon. Isn't that the best revenge? Mercy: Sometimes the best revenge is revenge. Mary: Mercy, I know you blame me for much. But it has always been I who protected you. And I still can if you would only pay proper respect to the Elders and to me. Mercy: You alone know the truth. That I, and not you, beheaded the Samhain witch. But I'm not greedy. I'm perfectly content to rule alongside you. As your equal. [Bird chirps] Mary: You know that will never happen, child. You are too reckless. Submit to your elders, myself included. And in the fullness of time, who knows what powers you might attain? Truly. I promise. Mercy: Like you promised John Alden? Mary: If you believe nothing else I say, girl, believe this. If you defy me, only horror awaits you... Unimaginable and infinitely painful. Hear me. That is no mere promise, but a curse. Eliot: Cotton Mather. Sent to Salem to see to the matter of a single, disturbed girl, you return here to Boston six weeks later leaving in your wake [Sighs] a full-blown witch panic, more than a dozen hangings, and apparently unbeknownst to you, the murder of your own father. And even worse, these horrible deeds are all the work of the witch John Alden, according to some, your closest associate. Cotton: Indeed. I have much to answer for. But first I must say that whatever happened to my father, I cannot believe that John Alden had anything to do with it. Eliot: Then at least try to explain yourself. How did it come to this? Cotton: On the very night he landed in Salem, my father said to me that it were better 1,000 innocents die than a single witch walk free. I now believe that though my father was right about... about the nature of the threat that hangs over all of us, he... he was entirely wrong in his moral mathematics. Somehow, d-despite or even because of our relentless efforts, the witches completed their dreaded Grand Rite. The war is on. The battle has begun. And the front line is in Salem. Eliot: Cotton Mather. It is the elders' will that you shall, as your father intended, continue his work at the north Boston church. You are confined to Boston and... forbidden from returning to Salem. Woman: [Moaning] [Thunder rumbles] Cotton: Save me. Save us. And deliver us from our failures. Gloriana. Gloriana. Woman: Don't stop, my lord. don't stop. Oh! Ugh. Cotton: See yourself out, and help yourself to any food you may find in the kitchen on your way. [Sighs] [Breathing heavily] We know the truth, don't we, father? It wasn't John Alden who ran you through but me. Perhaps I should tell them how insane you'd become. [Thunder rumbles] How close to murder you came. And what I did to save your soul from that condemnable sin. How is it you've always stared at me, father, but never saw me? Damn your eyes! Damn your eyes! Damn them straight to Hell! To Hell! [Grunts] [Indistinct conversations] Blacksmith: Blessed evening. Man: Good evening. Blacksmith: Good night. Woman: Ta! Blacksmith: [Sighs] Dollie: [Humming] Blacksmith: Now, the only women on the streets this time of night are whores or beggars. I ain't never seen a beggar smile. So, how much? Dollie: I don't want your money. I just want you. Blacksmith: [Chuckles] Dollie: Come with me. Someplace we won't be seen. [Insects chirping] Blacksmith: Where we going? Dollie: You'll see. [Laughs] Dollie: Just come with me a little... Blacksmith: Leave me alone! Dollie: A little bit further. Blacksmith: No, no. Hey! Dollie: Shh. Shh. Mm. Blacksmith: Mm. Oh. Dollie: It's just my sisters. [Chuckles] Mm. Blacksmith: [Panting] Dollie: [Chuckles] Blacksmith: Oh, god. Both: [Moaning softly] [Gasps] Mercy Lewis! You witch! Stay away from me. No. No, you let me go. I'll tell them all. I'll tell them all. I'll tell them all you're here and what you're doing. Mercy: Really? And what are you gonna tell them? That you dragged a poor girl to the woods to steal her maidenhood? Blacksmith: No. Mercy: Some crazy bitch stole your manhood? Blacksmith: [Screams] Mercy: [Chuckles] [Raven squawking] I control you now. Blacksmith: [Grunts] Mercy: Go home. You will say nothing of this because you can say nothing of this. And one day, maybe tomorrow night, maybe 1,001 nights from now, I will call you. Yes. And you will do as you are told. Man: Make way! Move back. Make way! Make way. [Cart rattling] Move away. Move back! Make way! [SCENE_BREAK] Anne: [Breathing heavily] [Gasps] Mary: It's your own life force, Anne. Deep down, beneath the guilt, you want to live. I know you killed your parents, Anne. It's time to face what you really are. Anne: No. I may bear certain unasked-for traits, but that does not make me a witch. I am not one of you. Mary: You know nothing of me. Anne: I don't want to know. Mary: I, too, came into my powers in the wake of great and painful loss. And I remember what it was first like to feel my body from within like a fever in the blood, that I could now do things, do things with words, with gestures. Anne: There is nothing I care to learn from you. Mary: No? You have yet to feel the terror that slowly becomes fascination and eventually joy as you learn to take in the life force in all the creatures around us, turning the power within it, directing it as you will, into another person... Or into, say, a doll. Do you remember when I gave you a little doll that very nearly squeezed the life out of you? Anne: That was you. [Gasps] Mary: I can teach you to control that. If you allow me in and you come in with us, with me, your eyes and heart and body will open to a truly new world. Anne: How can you hope to build a new world on the corpses of the innocents who live in this one? Mary: There is no world new or old not founded on bones and blood. Imagine a world free of the violent hypocrisy and oppression of the puritans, a new world that celebrates the power of nature, freedom of thought, belief, and feeling. This is our chance. A moment when the future of this land is utterly in doubt. You and I may have different methods, Anne, but the life you dream of is the very one I'm fighting for. Anne: But at what price? [Sniffles] You, all of you, even my father, sold your souls to the devil himself. Mary: Neither the world, the flesh, nor the devil himself is like a puritan suit in only black and white. All is gray. And the devil they fear is not the devil I know. Either way, you had best be careful. You are an orphaned female, naked and vulnerable in a world of predatory men, many of whom would be glad to take your father's fortune and your virginity. I would be happy to extend to you the protection I receive from Mr. Sibley until you should find a man of your own to lend you a name and some standing. Anne: And why would you want to help me? Mary: We have both known loss. Profound loss. But we are of the same family. And to heal those losses, we must work together. Anne: [Voice breaking] But what will we say about my parents? Mary: Just clean yourself up, and show up at the meeting house. [Bell tolling] [Indistinct conversations] This is not the time to fall into despair. Yes, since the discovery of this awful pox in Knocker's Hole, four more households have been felled. And not all of them in that downtrodden place. Good homes in fine neighborhoods are not immune, and none of us are safe. This scourge has taken our own Magistrate Hale and his loving wife, leaving behind their sorrowful daughter, Anne. But we can and will protect ourselves from the ravages of this pox. It may require some sacrifices, some strictures. But these are small prices to pay. Hathorne: [Scoffs] Absurd. Man 1: Why's that? Man 2: Speak. Hathorne: I submit to my fellow select men and citizens that there is an entirely other way of viewing our dreadful circumstances. God has given us a clear sign that we have offended him. A pox on all our houses. Now we must do whatever is necessary to win back the Lord's favor. Mary: And presumably, Mr. Hathorne, you know what God's will is. What is it that has offended him so? Hathorne: I am quite certain what god is most displeased with. But what is a surer sign of a world turned upside-down than a world with a woman on top? [All talking at once] We have utterly upended the most fundamental principle of how things are to be, which is led by men... Men of property, men of substance, men of godly goodwill. But above all, by men. Man: Hear, hear! Mary: My husband... Hathorne: N... Let us be done with that. Mrs. Sibley, until George may speak for himself, clearly and audibly as a man, let us at least admit it is you, Mrs. sibley, who lead the select men of Salem. [Spectators murmur] I submit it is high time that the select men of Salem either elect a new leader or explicitly affirm that they choose to be led by Mary Sibley under the name of her incapacitated husband, George. [All talking at once] Samuel: If you think this pox cares whether you be led by a woman or a man, you will all die. [Spectators murmur] The pox no more discriminates by s*x than a lion prefers to eat a man or a woman. Though like a lion, it may take the weakest first. And I have just been to where your weakest reside, in wretched Knocker's Hole. I had hoped to give them more voice here than they obviously have, but I find you all consumed with petty politics. I'm headed back there now to see what can be done. Mary: Well said, Sir. Well said. It is high time this board made it clear that however abject they may be and whether they pray at meeting or not, the least among us is our responsibility, too. I shall accompany you to see how they fare and to show our support. Why, this woman is not afraid to walk into the den of plague for our people. Would you care to join me, Sir? Samuel: The worst afflicted are this way. In my experience, the difference between a plague terrorizing a town and destroying it is a matter of days. Hold there. Mary: Tell me, Sir. Who are you to speak with such confidence of the pox? Samuel: A doctor, Ma'am, with royal certification. I've walked through many poxes. I survived the plague as a child, and I believe I can save all of you. Not by prayer, not by repentance, not by fasting, nor by purging your community of undesirables, witches, or powerful women, but, in a word, by science. Seal and mark that door. Mary: Your arrival here could not be more fortuitous. I think you might be God's gift to Salem. Samuel: [Chuckles] Mary: That's a very old-world affectation. Samuel: Well, I think despite all the progress in new thinking, we are less advanced in other ways. After all, England achieved its greatest heights a century ago under a woman... Queen Bess. And yet over here, men like your Mr. Hathorne still doubt the value of a strong woman. And I think perhaps, Mrs. Sibley, you are like the Queen Elizabeth of Salem. Mary: Are you as adept at the new science as you are the old flattery? Samuel: I am. And I'm determined to cure this pox before it spreads any further. Mary: And what is it you think you can do? Samuel: Well, to begin with, find its origin, for in the beginning of things is often to be found their end. Good day. Sooleawa: Hell. [Speaks native language] Hell. Shaman: Hell. John: Do I have your protection? [Rooster crows] Mary: Why, you look like a man poring over a pirate's treasure map. Samuel: [Chuckles] And if I find what I seek, it may be a great treasure, indeed. These are all the cases of the pox I've encountered or heard of. My tracking of where outbreaks and incidents have been reported may point directly to the place the pox must have started. [Paper rustles] I intend to go there to the north woods. And finding the point or place of origin may lead me to some answers as to how this outbreak began. Mary: Those are deep woods, Sir. Even locals fear to trek there. Samuel: Ah. Terra incognita. Well, I live for unexplored territory. And in my experience, often the most fearsome landscapes are hiding the most succulent gardens. Mary: Very well. Godspeed. Samuel: Deep woods, indeed. Mercy: But let me show you. In just a few days, I have claimed control of six men to do my bidding. But I should be running the Hive! It is I, not Mary Sibley, who should run... But... but I have worked so... Elder witch: [Spits] Mercy: That was a mistake. Elder witches: [Hissing] Isaac: [Moaning] Is this it? Have I passed over? Did I make it to Heaven? Or am I in hell? Samuel: Neither Heaven nor Hell, Sir. Merely Salem. Isaac: Oh. Samuel: [Grunting] [Knock on door] Cotton: [Sighs] [Glasses clatter] Eliot: Uh, forgive me the late hour, Mather, but I felt that some of my questions might be better asked in private. When exactly was the last time you saw your father? Cotton: Um... earlier on the day I left. He felt quite certain that he and his militia would lay their hands upon John Alden, and he felt that his flock here in Boston had suffered without a Shepherd for far too long. So, he sent me back to prepare for his own return. Eliot: I see. Though, of course, he never did. Cotton: What? Eliot: Return. Cotton: No. Eliot: What do you think it says that he sent you back just when he was about to attempt to capture the witch? It doesn't exactly show a lot of confidence. Cotton: We argued. Yes, as one does. [Chuckling] Eliot: I don't recall ever arguing with my father. I certainly never raised my voice. It would have felt to me like striking him. Cotton: Trust me. If either of us was likely to bolster words with blows, it would have been my father, not me. Eliot: Are you saying that your father struck you? Cotton: I'm sure no more than was necessary for my proper upbringing. Now, if you haven't any further questions, it's getting quite late. Eliot: Yes, of course. And as you are confined to Boston, if we have any need of further inquiry, we certainly know just where to find you. [Door opens, closes] [Men shouting indistinctly] Cotton Mather knows nothing. Von Marburg: But is it clear that Increase is dead? Truly and definitely dead? Eliot: Oh, yes. Most definitely dead. Von Marburg: I suppose that is something to celebrate. That man had a grip like none other. Were it not so, I would not carry this mark, and I would have done in Marburg some time ago what they whisper has been achieved in Salem. Eliot: Mather understands enough to know that a Grand Rite was undertaken. But he has no idea who was actually leading it nor who killed his father, though he seems quite certain it was not this John Alden. Von Marburg: But this is what I want to know. Who is it that led the Grand Rite? Eliot: Well, to answer that, your Grace, I believe we must go to Salem ourselves. Von Marburg: I am sorry, Mr. Eliot, that you will not be accompanying me and my son to Salem. Your work for me is done. But in recompense... [Water sloshing] I invite you to stop averting your gaze... and stare directly. [Water draining] Eliot: [Choking] Samuel: [Sighs] Mrs. Sibley. Given your concern for the city, I wanted you to be the first to know I have found him. Isaac: [Moaning softly] Man: [Coughing in distance] Mary: I see you've found our Isaac. Samuel: He is quite possibly the savior of Salem. Mary: Oh? Samuel: He holds the key. I found him at the very epicenter of the plague. Mary: And how does that aid us? Samuel: Well, he's showing remarkable resistance to the pox. Some property in his blood may well provide the key to protecting other people. And if he lives, he will tell us what happened to him and how he came to be in the woods. He will point directly to the origin and source of the pox itself. Mary: Well, let us pray he survives. That was my mother's. I never met her, but my father gave it to me when I was about your age. And this, her comb. It's made from the shell of a great sea creature from some far-off island in the west indies. don't know much about my mother. Or my father, for that matter. They were taken from me too young. I want it to be different for you. Boy: Tell me. Mary: What? Boy: About my father. Mary: Your father. He is... was the very best of men. I loved him more than anything. But he is dead. And now all my love is reserved for you. Boy: And what was his name? Mary: John. Boy: They won't let me have a name. Not until I'm baptized. But if I could, I would like to be John, too, like him. Mary: And so you shall be, little John. Elder witch: [Screaming] Mary: What's wrong? Boy: They're dead. [Footsteps approaching] They're dead. They're dead. Mary: What's going on? Boy: They're dead. Tituba: Mercy Lewis killed our witches. True witches. The Elders. [Crowd shouting] [Bell tolling]

In the wake of the Grand Rite-merely the first phase of the Hive's dark undertaking-a horrendous plague sweeps through Salem. Tensions escalate between Tituba and Mary, who tries to enjoy what limited time she is allowed to spend with her young, recently returned son. Mary confronts Mercy Lewis in a bid to strike a bargain with the upstart Witch, but Mercy already has diabolical plans of trying to take Salem by force. As Anne Hale begins to comprehend the nature of her own true power, she is extended an offer by Mary that may provide her some clarity and relief. Meanwhile, as Mary attempts to exert her mortal influence over the citizenry of Salem, she makes the acquaintance of an intriguing true man of science, Dr. Samuel Wainwright, who may threaten her cause. Back in Boston, a haunted Cotton Mather must answer for his failure in Salem and the death of his father; and Mary learns John Alden's fate, or so she thinks.

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THE MASQUE OF MANDRAGORA BY: LOUIS MARKS Part Two Running time: 24:44 [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Excuse me, excuse me. I like to look my best on these occasions. FEDERICO: Fools! Stop him! FEDERICO: After him! Don't let him go! [SCENE_BREAK] GUARD 1: Hey, fellow! GUARD 1: You say there was no thunderbolt? GUARD 2: Nothing. He was found just beyond the gate. GUARD 1: The Duke must be told of this. [SCENE_BREAK] MONK: Demnos, Demnos, Demnos. Adeus, O Demnos. [SCENE_BREAK] GIOVANNI: I swear he came in here, and there's no way out. Here, are we chasing a phantom? SOLDIER: Or a worshipper of Demnos. Those devils know a hundred secret ways under the city. GIOVANNI: A passage? Quick, then, let's find the trick. SOLDIER: No, I ain't going in there, Giovanni. Not for all the gold in Rome. I know men who've tried. They've never been seen again. [SCENE_BREAK] PRIEST: Demnos, Demnos, Demnos. Adeus, O Demnos. MASKED MAN: Seize them! DOCTOR: The Mandragora Helix has come home to roost. MASKED MAN: Brothers, our prayers are answered! Our temple is restored. [SCENE_BREAK] GIULIANO: No, it's not a fire demon. Such things are pure superstition. GUARD 1: What is it, Sire? GIULIANO: I don't know. His skin, such a strange colour. GUARD 1: I still think it could be a fire demon, Sire. I once heard of a case in Florence GIULIANO: Yes, all right. You'd better get back to your duties. GUARD 1: Sire. MARCO: The orders have been given. GIULIANO: Good. He was found at the city gates, Marco. What do you make of it, old friend? [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: We've made it. DOCTOR: Stay there a minute. DOCTOR: Some soldiers up there. No. We'll just have to wait till they've gone. SARAH: See that? I was almost sacrificed to the great god Demnos. DOCTOR: Yes, I know. Particularly nasty Roman sect, supposed to have died out in the third century. SARAH: But I thought you said just now we were in the fifteenth? DOCTOR: We are, and the cult of Demnos is still very much alive. SARAH: So what was going on back there in the temple? DOCTOR: Sub-thermal recombination of ionised plasma. SARAH: Oh, simple. I should have thought of that. DOCTOR: When we landed on Earth, we brought back with us part of the Mandragora Helix. I don't know how it got in the TARDIS, and now it's here in this temple. SARAH: But why? DOCTOR: Coincidence? I wonder what the Mandragora Helix is up to? SARAH: Conquest? Invasion? They want to take over Earth and fill it with old Roman temples DOCTOR: No. Helix intelligences don't have a physical existence in the way you know it. They don't need Earth. They want SARAH: What? DOCTOR: (quietly) There's something behind us. I can feel it in my bones. [SCENE_BREAK] PRIEST: It is a dream of two thousand years come true. Look! MASKED MAN: Kneel, Brothers. MANDRAGORA (OOV.): You have been chosen for powers undreamed of. Through us, you will become supreme ruler of Earth. Do you understand us? MASKED MAN: Understand. MANDRAGORA (OOV.): Only you must stand in this spot. Any other mortal who dares stand where you stand now will be destroyed. You, and you alone will carry out our will on Earth. MASKED MAN: It is complete. Go! Now! HIERONYMOUS: Powers undreamed of. Supreme ruler of the Earth. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Stop poking me with that pike! GIULIANO: My apologies that you were roughly handled. DOCTOR: Apologies? GIULIANO: But speed was essential, for my uncle has men searching everywhere for you. DOCTOR: Who's your uncle? GIULIANO: Count Federico. DOCTOR: Oh, yes, yes, we've met. MARCO: He has given order that you're to be executed immediately you're found. Luckily a few of the guards are still loyal to the Prince. SARAH: That's you? GIULIANO: Giuliano, Duke of San Martino, and my companion Marco. DOCTOR: Tell me more about this Federico. MARCO: He murdered Giuliano's father. GIULIANO: Marco DOCTOR: Are you sure of that? GIULIANO: Certain. MARCO: Just as we're now certain that he's plotting to kill Giuliano. DOCTOR: I take it you don't get on with your uncle. GIULIANO: Doctor, my uncle is a tyrant. MARCO: While Giuliano lives, Federico can never claim the throne. GIULIANO: I don't fear so much for myself as for the people. Were he ever to rule San Martino, all knowledge, all attempt at learning, would be suppressed. DOCTOR: This is intensely interesting. I don't think that Sarah and I are going to be able to help you. You see, we're just passing through. How did you know my name? GIULIANO: I was present when Hieronymous questioned you. From the way you spoke to him, I take it that you, like me, are a man of science. DOCTOR: Oh, I do dabble a bit. GIULIANO: Oh, excellent. Some wine, Marco. I crave for contact with men of intellect and understanding. DOCTOR: You're too kind. But that isn't the only reason you brought us here. GIULIANO: No. There's something I want you to see. DOCTOR: Show us. GIULIANO: This man's body was found at the city gates. DOCTOR: Helix energy. High ionisation that has only to touch human tissue to destroy it utterly. GIULIANO: Helix energy? SARAH: You're not talking his language, Doctor. GIULIANO: The guards are muttering about fire devils. I, of course, do not believe in such superstition. DOCTOR: No, of course not. Nevertheless GIULIANO: Nevertheless, it does worry me. GIULIANO: Is it possible, do you think, that something's entered the city? Something perhaps conjured up by Hieronymous? DOCTOR: Something's certainly entered the city, Giuliano. Some malevolent power quite beyond the understanding of that old fraud Hieronymous. The question is, why? GIULIANO: I don't understand. DOCTOR: Why here? Why now? SARAH: Yes, and what's it got to do with that cult of Demnos? DOCTOR: We seem to have an awful lot of questions. It's about time we started finding some answers. [SCENE_BREAK] ROSSINI: Sire. FEDERICO: Well, what have you to report? ROSSINI: They've disappeared. FEDERICO: Impossible. ROSSINI: There's been no sign of them since they were last seen in the palace garden. FEDERICO: They must be found. Something about that Doctor disturbs me greatly. Take all the men you need. Search every corner of the palace. ROSSINI: Sire. FEDERICO: Well? FEDERICO: What is it? ROSSINI: A list prepared by the Duke Giuliano's secretary. FEDERICO: Where did you get it? ROSSINI: You have many friends, my lord. FEDERICO: The King of Naples, Duke of Milan, Duke of Padua, Doge of Venice, Signora of Florence. Very impressive. ROSSINI: They are the rulers who have accepted Giuliano's invitation and are coming to San Martino. FEDERICO: To celebrate his accession to the dukedom. The arrogant puppy! [SCENE_BREAK] HIERONYMOUS: The entire Earth, mine. HIERONYMOUS: I did not say enter. FEDERICO: In this palace I come and go as I please. HEIRONYMOUS: This is my private room. FEDERICO: Whatever room you have here it is because I allow you to have it. Do not get above yourself. I've warned you before, Hieronymous. HEIRONYMOUS: I have studying to do. Is there something urgent you want? FEDERICO: Yes, there is something urgent. I cannot wait till Mars or Saturn or whatever other nonsense it was you said. HIERONYMOUS: It is not nonsense. FEDERICO: Giuliano must die tonight. He's called a gathering of all the philosophers and scholars in Italy, with their patrons. With all those important people here, he'll be able to establish his power in this state for good. HIERONYMOUS: So? FEDERICO: So he will be harder to get rid of. Giuliano must die. HIERONYMOUS: It cannot be. FEDERICO: Why not? You still have the poison? You will announce some new finding. You will say that some new conjunction has come to light. You'll find a way. Sudden death. HIERONYMOUS: You're asking me to invent a horoscope? FEDERICO: Ha! Isn't that what you always do? HIERONYMOUS: Do you know what it is you're mocking? Do you know what power is held by the celestial bodies? They are not at our beck and call. FEDERICO: I am telling you to help me as you did before. Giuliano must die before tomorrow night. You do understand? [SCENE_BREAK] HIERONYMOUS: Masters, hear me. MANDRAGORA (OOV.): Speak, Earthling. HIERONYMOUS: Masters, there are those here who would mock my purpose. To overcome them and do your will, I must have greater powers. MANDRAGORA (OOV.): You have the powers, Hieronymous. HIERONYMOUS: Away from this place I am a man among others. One sword thrust would destroy me. How could so feeble a creature rule your domain? MANDRAGORA (OOV.): We have promised you powers beyond all men, Hieronymous, but the time is not yet. Until then, carry our trust discreetly. PRIEST: Hieronymous. PRIEST: Master, you speak to the voices of Demnos as though, as HIERONYMOUS: Go on. PRIEST: As though this were not the first time. HIERONYMOUS: What think you brought me to San Martino? Many years ago, in another place, the voice of Demnos told me how my life would be. Told me I had been chosen because of my special powers. Ruler over all the Earth. From that night until now, I have waited. PRIEST: And now at last your faith has been rewarded. HIERONYMOUS: For years, the wise fools, the scholars of the new knowledge, have jeered and scoffed at me. The old duke tolerated me but did not believe. Count Federico despises me. The young duke considers me of no consequence. But they will learn their mistake, priest. They will learn their mistake as they die. [SCENE_BREAK] GIULIANO: But spirits from the heavens, Doctor. A wheel of fire? I thought you were a man of science. DOCTOR: Giuliano, it isn't easy to explain the concept of Helix energy, either sub or super-thermal ionisation in your mediaeval vocabulary. SARAH: Oh, I think you're doing a great job so far. DOCTOR: Thank you. SARAH: I do. But I still don't understand why these spirits have appeared here in the fifteenth century. GIULIANO: And why in San Martino? DOCTOR: Well, perhaps because the worshippers of Demnos provided a ready-made power base. And what better place than fifteenth century Italy? SARAH: Yes, but why the fifteenth century? DOCTOR: Because it's the period between the dark ages of superstition and the dawn of a new reason. SARAH: You mean they could gain control of Earth now through an ancient religion? DOCTOR: Yes. Oh, yes. Giuliano, that temple must be destroyed. GIULIANO: But the place is in ruins now, Doctor. DOCTOR: Those ruins are the focal point for enormous forces. The Helix energy has penetrated every stone. Is there some way I could get there without being seen? GIULIANO: Yes. Yes, I'll show you. DOCTOR: Just tell me. It's better if I go alone. GIULIANO: Oh no, Doctor, it's too dangerous. GIULIANO: We'll take the back staircase. DOCTOR: Just as far as the temple entrance. No further. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: It is just a ruin. DOCTOR: From this point on, I must go on alone. You stay here. [SCENE_BREAK] ROSSINI: Sire, they've been seen again, making their way towards the ruined temple. They're with the Duke Giuliano. FEDERICO: The Duke is with them? Are you certain? ROSSINI: Otherwise the men would have seized them at once. FEDERICO: The ruined temple, you say? ROSSINI: In that direction. FEDERICO: Excellent. A chance to solve both my problems in one blow. It'll seem like a sacrifice. A human sacrifice to the gods. Our hands will be guiltless. ROSSINI: A sacrifice, yes. The evil pagans who worship Demnos. FEDERICO: Get your men quickly, Rossini. I will lead them myself. [SCENE_BREAK] GIULIANO: I have this theory, you see, that the world is really a sphere. SARAH: Well, go on. GIULIANO: It's not only me. Other scientists are coming to the same conclusion that the world can't possibly be flat because the SARAH: What was that? GIULIANO: Nothing. You see, it's obvious when you come to think about it. FEDERICO: Death to Giuliano! SARAH: Doctor! Doctor! Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Doctor! Doctor! Argh! PRIEST: Demnos will not be cheated of his pleasure, little one.

The Doctor rushes to rescue Sarah from the Brethren of Demnos while Mandragora tries to bring them under its control.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_08x21

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_08x21_0

THE D MONS BY: GUY LEOPOLD 6:15pm - 6:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (NIGHT) (Flashes of lightning illuminate the small quaint cottages that sit on the edge of the village green of Devil's End. Rain pours down in torrents and a crack of thunder peals over the rooftops. At the end of the green, a typical English village church is bathed in the light of the storm as water streams out of its guttering. Within its environs, the animals of the night shelter from the heavenly outburst. A cat watches as a small furry rodent scurries between the gravestones. Across the green, the pub sign of "The Cloven Hoof" swings in the strong wind and the door opens as open of the regulars leaves the warm inviting interior with his dog. He calls back inside...) JIM: Goodnight, Frank. FRANK: (OOV: Inside pub.) Goodnight, Jim. (The man walks home past the churchyard, his dog pulling all the way but the animal is excitable and as Jim struggles against the storm, his pet pulls free and with a bark runs up a short flight of steps, through the gate and into the churchyard. The man follows as the dog runs into the maze of gravestones. The man looks for him and hears his distant barks. He follows them and hears as the dog suddenly yowls as if in pain. It is then silent. Jim walks through the churchyard to where he last heard his dog but suddenly he sees something and his eyes open with shock. He falls the ground clutching a gravestone...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. VILLAGE STREET (A middle-aged eccentric looking lady scurries down a road in the village desperately trying to keep with the village doctor - DR. REEVES. The lady - MISS HAWTHORNE - wears a long green cloak and has a talisman around her neck on her chain. She carries a battered umbrella. DR. REEVES is obviously harassed by her presence and walks as fast as he can to his car.) MISS HAWTHORNE: He died of fright, Doctor. DR. REEVES My dear Miss Hawthorne... MISS HAWTHORNE: (Interrupting.) I don't care what you say - the man died of fright! (DR. REEVES reaches his car and tries to firmly end the conversation.) DR. REEVES My dear Miss Hawthorne, the medical diagnosis was quite clear- he died of a heart attack. MISS HAWTHORNE: But his face...! (DR. REEVES opens the door of his blue saloon.) DR. REEVES Slight protrusion of the eyeballs, rictus drawing of the lips back over the teeth - common enough in heart failure. (He gets into his car but MISS HAWTHORNE is not deterred.) MISS HAWTHORNE: The signs are there for all to see! I cast the runes only this morning. DR. REEVES You'll have to excuse me. I have my rounds to do. (He starts up his car.) MISS HAWTHORNE: If Professor Horner opens up that barrow, he will bring disaster on us all! (He drives off, MISS HAWTHORNE shouting after him...) MISS HAWTHORNE: This is just the beginning! [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (At the aforementioned barrow, preparations are in hand for a television outside broadcast. A sign points "TO THE DIG" and a BBC technician rolls a wheel of cable towards one of the outside broadcast vans. Lights and cables litter the area. One of the technicians shouts instructions to a colleague as the smartly-suited youthful presenter - ALASTAIR FERGUS - walks towards a canvas tunnel which covers the entrance that has been built into the humped lonely barrow.) TECHNICIAN: A bit more, David. ALASTAIR FERGUS: Professor Horner? TECHNICIAN: That's it. ALASTAIR FERGUS: Oh, where's he got to, for pete's sake? (ALASTAIR calls down the tunnel.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: Harry?! (A young floor manager emerges from the tunnel, clipboard in hand. Calmer than ALASTAIR, he is better dressed for a broadcast from a windswept Wiltshire down.) HARRY: Hello Alastair, what's up? ALASTAIR FERGUS: Where's Professor Horner? HARRY: Probably in make-up. Unless he's had second thoughts and scarpered. ALASTAIR FERGUS: What?! HARRY: Well, you know the local chat - "death and disaster if he opens the barrow". ALASTAIR FERGUS: Well, there'll be a disaster if he doesn't get a shift-on! HARRY: (Calming.) Okay, okay, I'll chase him up. (HARRY goes off leaving a very perturbed and worried ALASTAIR behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. UNIT HQ GARAGE (The DOCTOR, dressed in a blue overall coat, is bent over the engine of Bessie as JO chatters away to him.) JO: But it really is the dawning of the age of Aquarius! DOCTOR: So? JO: Well, that means the occult. Well you know, the supernatural and all that magic bit. (The DOCTOR sighs and stops work.) DOCTOR: You know, really Jo, I'm obviously wasting my time trying to turn you into a scientist. (He hands JO a tool which she puts on the bench.) JO: Well, how do you know there's nothing in it? (The DOCTOR picks up the detachable bonnet of Bessie and puts it back into place.) DOCTOR: How? Well, I just know, that's all. Everything that happens in life must have a scientific explanation - if you know where to look for it, that is. (He tries to get past JO.) DOCTOR: Excuse me. (JO steps aside and he goes to the garage bench.) JO: Yes, but...suppose something was to happen and nobody knew the explanation. Well, nobody in the world - in the universe! Well, that would be magic, wouldn't it? DOCTOR: (Sighs.) You know Jo, for a reasonably intelligent young lady, you do have the most absurd ideas. (As he speaks, Bessie starts to drive forward of its own accord. It goes through the open door of the garage. JO is wide-eyed in astonishment.) JO: Doctor, look! (They both go to the doorway and watch as the car circles the garage forecourt before it comes back into the garage and stops before them.) DOCTOR: Bessie, how dare you go gallivanting around like that! (Bessie's horn beeps once.) DOCTOR: Are you sorry? (The horn beeps two more times. JO is speechless.) DOCTOR: Very well, I forgive you. Now go back to your parking place before I change my mind. (Bessie starts up again and reverses out of the garage. The DOCTOR and JO hear a voice behind them as MIKE YATES has entered the garage unseen.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: I know there's a good explanation for all this but I just can't think of it for the moment. DOCTOR: Would you believe magic? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Magic? DOCTOR: Mmm. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Laughing.) No! DOCTOR: Well, Jo would. JO: That's not fair! DOCTOR: Well, you explain it then. JO: I don't know. (Smiles.) I suppose you did it? DOCTOR: Naturally - or should I say scientifically. Er, solenoids and a solar mechanism in Bessie and, er... (He takes his hand out of his pocket. He is holding a small device which has an arial on the side, a small steering wheel at the top and several buttons and dials on it.) DOCTOR: ...a radio control unit here. See how easy it is to be a magician? JO: How infuriating can you get?! (MIKE smiles.) JO: Hmm, well, it doesn't prove anything. DOCTOR: Would you like me to show you some more then? JO: No thanks. I've had enough of your knavish tricks! Anyway, I want to see that TV programme. (JO looks at MIKE'S wristwatch.) JO: Mike, would you give me a lift? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Sure. JO: Thanks. (She walks out of the backdoor of the garage.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: You coming, Doctor? DOCTOR: Coming where? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Well, to see that programme. DOCTOR: Oh, not you too, Captain Yates? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world. It's very exciting. (The DOCTOR divests himself of his overall coat.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Forecasts of doom and disaster if anyone disturbs the burial chamber. DOCTOR: (Sighs.) Captain Yates, you astound me. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Well, you never know. Devil's End has a funny reputation. (The DOCTOR'S whole manner changes. His smile disappears and he looks sharply at CAPTAIN YATES.) DOCTOR: What did you say? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Devil's End - the village near the dig. (The DOCTOR goes into a reverie, muttering to himself as he tries to bring a memory to the forefront of his mind.) DOCTOR: Devil's End? Devil's End? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Doctor, are you all right? (The DOCTOR puts his coat on a peg and picks up his normal red jacket.) DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I'm fine. (He walks out of the garage towards Bessie.) DOCTOR: Fine... CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Now where are you going? DOCTOR: To see that TV programme, of course! (A puzzled MIKE puts his cap on and heads the other way.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (Microphone in hand, ALASTAIR FERGUS speaks to his audience, his voice echoing in the cavern.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: (To camera.) Devil's End - the very name sends a shiver up the spine. (FERGUS' name appears on screen.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: (To camera.) The witches of Devil's End, the famous curse, the notorious cavern underneath the church where the third Lord of... (FERGUS turns. Another cameraman faces him from another direction. FERGUS walks down a small series of steps onto the floor of the cavern.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: ...Aldbourne played at his eighteen-century parody of black magic. Devil's End is part of the dark mythology of our childhood days. And now, for the first time, the cameras of the BBC have been allowed inside the cavern itself. (FERGUS walks round the cavern as he talks. The whole area resembles a normal crypt of a church but the area has been used for a darker purpose in the past. In the recesses, instead of tombs, are illuminated displays of witches and the history of the cavern for tourists.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: In this cavern, pagan man performed his unspeakable rites. In this cavern, the witches of the seventeenth century hid from the fires of Matthew Hopkins, witch-hunter extraordinary. In this cavern,...huh, but I could go on all day. (FERGUS has reached the strangest object of all - a stone horned gargoyle which sits on a plynth, cross legged with its chin in its hands. FERGUS lays his hand on its shoulder.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: (To camera.) There is...something strange about Devil's End. (FERGUS moves on from the gargoyle.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: (To camera.) Is Professor Horner being as..."foolish" as his critics would suggest? Huh, I must admit, standing here in this...unquiet place, I'm beginning to wonder myself. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (Outside the Devil's Hump, FERGUS faces another camera. HARRY holds up his hand for silence...) HARRY: Quiet please! (...and brings his arm down, giving FERGUS his cue to start.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: While I was recording that earlier this afternoon, the archaeological dig was proceeding apace. Professor Horner and his team have cut their way into the "Devil's Hump" - as this barrow is called by the locals - as if it were a giant pie. But now the question is can Professor Horner pull out his plum! (FERGUS gives an oily laugh at his own joke. He is disturbed by a portly man, wearing a suit and a pork pie hat who is stood nearby. He speaks in a Yorkshire accent, rich in cynicism.) PROF. HORNER: Get on with it, man... (FERGUS looks at the man - PROF. HORNER himself.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: Or will the Professor be proved disastrously wrong? [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. UNIT HQ. DUTY ROOM (The live broadcast continues on a black and white television set in the duty room of UNIT HQ. A pair of bunk-beds stand against one wall and a coffee machine is against another. Sat at a table with two phones, engrossed in the programme is SERGEANT BENTON.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: (On television.) For some two hundred years, the controversy has raged - What is the Devil's Hump. Now, we're not the first to try and find out. But from 1793, when Sir Percival Flint's miners ran back to Cornwall leaving him for dead to the famous Cambridge University fiasco of 1939... (JO, the DOCTOR and MIKE walk in.) JO: Has it started yet? SERGEANT BENTON: ... DOCTOR: Shh, shh. Let's see what he has to say. (JO sits down with the DOCTOR and MIKE stood behind her.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: (On television.) ... has remained an enigma. Er, but tonight, the enigma will be solved. Tonight... [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW ALASTAIR FERGUS: (To camera.) ...at midnight, the witching hour, viewers of BBC3 will have the privilege of being present when Professor Gilbert Horner, the noted archeologist... (HORNER steps into view.) PROF. HORNER: Got round to me at last, have you? About time too! ALASTAIR FERGUS: Er, not yet, Professor, not yet. (HORNER ignores FERGUS and gestures at the cameraman.) PROF. HORNER: Hey you! Bring that camera over here, would you? Come on! ALASTAIR FERGUS: Er... (HORNER walks down the canvas entrance into the barrow as FERGUS gives a sickly and embarrassed laugh. He nevertheless gestures to the cameraman himself and follows HORNER in. The camera follows...) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (HORNER goes up to a large round stone which is the final block to the entrance to the barrow.) PROF. HORNER: There - that's the spot. Six inches behind there lies the greatest archeological find this country has known since Sutton Hoo. ALASTAIR FERGUS: Er, would you like to explain that reference, Professor? PROF. HORNER: No, and at midnight tonight... (FERGUS turns to the camera.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: Sutton Hoo, of course... PROF. HORNER: (Interrupting.) Never mind about Sutton Hoo. (He points at the stone.) PROF. HORNER: This is what your precious viewers are interested in - the "Devil's Hump" and what's inside it - right? ALASTAIR FERGUS: And what is inside it? PROF. HORNER: Treasure, that's what. The tomb of a great warrior chieftain, bronze age, 800BC. ALASTAIR FERGUS: Er, you're very precise? PROF. HORNER: No need to take my word for it - see for yourself, midnight. ALASTAIR FERGUS: Ah yes, now then, why midnight and why tonight? PROF. HORNER: Well, it's obvious - April 30th is Beltane, isn't it? ALASTAIR FERGUS: Beltane? PROF. HORNER: You know, you ought to have done your homework before you came on this dig. (FERGUS manages to keep his temper.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: Er, for the viewers, Professor. PROF. HORNER: April 30th - Beltane - greatest occult festival of the year, bar Halloween. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. UNIT HQ. DUTY ROOM ALASTAIR FERGUS: (On television.) Well, frankly, I'm not much wiser. (The DOCTOR looks worried...) DOCTOR: (To himself.) Beltane! Of course! (JO notices his concern.) PROF. HORNER: (On television.) You've heard the tales about this place? The ghosts, the witches, the curse - the famous curse? ALASTAIR FERGUS: (On television.) But you don't believe that, do you? Well then, why have you...? PROF. HORNER: (On television.) My new book comes out tomorrow. (FERGUS' tone becomes tired as he realises that he and his crew have been had.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: (On television.) Oh, then it's what one might call a publicity gimmick? PROF. HORNER: (On television.) Top of the class, lad! ALASTAIR FERGUS: (On television.) And you're not concerned of your colleagues to ... ? (The DOCTOR voices a concern.) DOCTOR: You know, there's something dreadfully wrong here. JO: Hey, you really mean that, don't you? PROF. HORNER: (On television.) Oh, they'll react the same way as always - ... green. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (To the DOCTOR.) Well, what could be wrong? ALASTAIR FERGUS: (On television.) But surely, if you... DOCTOR: (To CAPTAIN YATES.) I don't know. (He paces the room, desperately trying to make sense of his concerns, seemingly unaware that a strident feminine tone is now coming from the television.) DOCTOR: (To himself.) Aquarius? The Devil's Hump? Beltane? MISS HAWTHORNE: (On television.) ... of course I know you're on the air. That's why I'm here! DOCTOR: Come on, think, think! (BENTON points at the television.) SERGEANT BENTON: Doctor look! Something's going on. (On the television, the view has returned to outside the barrow. HARRY is shown attempting to restrain a scarved MISS HAWTHORN but she casually clubs him with her umbrella.) MISS HAWTHORNE: (On television.) Get your hands off me, young man! Let me go! [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (FERGUS and HORNER step outside the barrow.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: Okay, Harry. MISS HAWTHORNE: I've come here to protest and protest I shall. (FERGUS turns to the camera.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: Er, this is Miss Hawthorne, a prominent local resident who's very much opposed to Professor Horner's dig. (To HORNER.) Er, Professor Horner, I believe you two have already met? PROF. HORNER: I'll say - the daft woman's been pestering me for weeks! MISS HAWTHORNE: (Contemptuously.) I've been trying to make you see reason. ALASTAIR FERGUS: Miss Hawthorn, why are you opposed to this dig? MISS HAWTHORNE: Because this man is tampering with forces he does not understand. PROF. HORNER: Oh, come on now! MISS HAWTHORNE: You'll bring destruction on yourself and upon the whole area if you persist! PROF. HORNER: Pish! MISS HAWTHORNE: Death and disaster await you! Believe me, I know! (FERGUS smiles into the camera.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: Er, but that's just it - why should we believe you and how do you know? MISS HAWTHORNE: I'm a witch. (She speaks as if the answer is blindingly obvious. FERGUS gives a nervous laugh.) PROF. HORNER: You see? I told you she was daft! ALASTAIR FERGUS: Miss Hawthorne, you don't really mean to... MISS HAWTHORNE: I tell you I'm a witch! ALASTAIR FERGUS: Wha...wha... MISS HAWTHORNE: (Interrupting.) Well, white, of course... ALASTAIR FERGUS: Ah... MISS HAWTHORNE: ...but that is why you should listen to me - I know! ALASTAIR FERGUS: Well, thank you very much, Miss Hawthorn, for a most interesting... MISS HAWTHORNE: (Interrupting.) I've cast the runes. I've consulted the talisman of mercury. It's written in the stars. (Her voice takes on a quiet note of danger and warning...) MISS HAWTHORNE: "When Beltane is come, tread softly. For lo, the prince himself is nigh..." and tonight is Beltane! PROF. HORNER: You see? Mad as a hatter! (He steps away.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: (To MISS HAWTHORNE.) Er, "the prince"? MISS HAWTHORNE: The prince of evil, the dark one, the horned beast! (She holds up a hand with the index and little fingers raised as a sign of protection.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. UNIT HQ. DUTY ROOM (The DOCTOR has seen enough. He makes for the door.) DOCTOR: Come on, Jo. JO: Where to? DOCTOR: Devil's End, of course. That woman is perfectly right - we've got to stop that lunatic before it's too late! (He strides out. JO gives a look back to MIKE and SERGEANT BENTON and then follows. MIKE shrugs at his fellow soldier and sits down to watch the end of the broadcast.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: (On television.) Miss Hawthorne, Professor Horner, thank you. So... [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (MISS HAWTHORNE'S voice carries on in protest in the background as FERGUS winds up the transmission...) ALASTAIR FERGUS: (To camera.) There we are - it seems that time is running out in more ways than one. What is going to happen here at midnight? Why not tune in to BBC3 and 11.45 tonight and find out? Until then, from me, it's goodbye now. Alastair Fergus, "The Passing Parade", Devil's End." [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (In the bar of the pub, the television is switched off. The regulars have been watching the broadcast of the events of their own village. DR. REEVES stands at the bar together with WINSTANLEY, the local Squire - a portly white haired man - and TOM GIRTON, a younger dark haired man. BERT THE LANDLORD, a middle-aged man stands behind the bar. The men all laugh. Other regulars stand behind them in the crowded bar.) WINSTANLEY: Good for Miss Hawthorne! She kept her end up pretty well! (BERT makes a noise of derision.) BERT THE LANDLORD: The woman's round the twist if you ask me - always has been. TOM GIRTON: Er, you're right Bert. Should have been put away years ago. WINSTANLEY: Oh, I'm not so sure she hasn't got a point. (GIRTON chokes on his pint and stares at the Squire.) WINSTANLEY: Broadly speaking, you know. TOM GIRTON: What? All that stuff about death and disaster? Well, you're not telling me you believe it, Mr. Winstantley? WINSTANLEY: Well, no. But there have been a lot of queer goings-on the last few weeks. (WINSTANLEY faces the regulars in the rest of the pub who all listen to his words.) WINSTANLEY: Strange sudden noises and, er, gasts, er, gusts of wind, and poor old Jim dropping down in the churchyard. BERT THE LANDLORD: (Mocking.) Yeah, Frank was telling me his cows have gone dry...and my wife's hens have stopped laying. (REEVES and GIRTON laugh but WINSTANLEY remains serious.) WINSTANLEY: Yes, and all since they started digging up there on Devil's Hump. BERT THE LANDLORD: Could just be a coincidence, you know? TOM GIRTON: Ah, we've had a spell of bad weather. Always upsets things that does. WINSTANLEY: Yes, but just suppose she's right, eh? How about that, Bert? BERT THE LANDLORD: (Smiles.) Well, I'll tell you - if the old'n does come along here tonight, he can have my best room - my bread and butter, he is! (His regulars all laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. VILLAGE STREET (The village bobby - PC GROOM - walks out of his cottage and shuts the door. He walks to the gate to collect his bicycle, turns and sees MISS HAWTHORNE walking past his cottage.) PC GROOM: Good evening, Miss Hawthorne, Saw you on the television just now. Very good I thought you were. MISS HAWTHORNE: They chopped me! Cut me off! Don't you worry, Constable, I'll get my chance later tonight - you'll see! (PC GROOM smiles at her and she walks on. In an instant, a howling demonic winds strikes up, blasting at MISS HAWTHORNE. Behind her, PC GROOM puts his fingers to his ears as if in pain. MISS HAWTHORNE balances herself against the wind, raises her hands to the air and starts an incantation...) MISS HAWTHORNE: Avaunt all ye elementals! (PC GROOM, possessed, picks up with both hands a large rock from his garden and starts to walk towards MISS HAWTHORNE with it.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Avaunt all ye powers of adversity! (PC GROOM nears her, the rock raised over high. MISS HAWTHORNE'S words are lost over the noise of the wind but as the policeman gets up close behind her, her words start to have an effect. The wind dies down and with it she lowers her arms. As if by signal, GROOM'S hands lower at the same time in perfect synchrony.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Be still and return to thy resting. Be at peace in thy sleeping... (She sighs and turns round to see a dazed and confused PC GROOM still holding the rock.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Mr. Groom? Mr. Groom, are you all right? PC GROOM: Yes, I...I think so. I...I just felt a bit faint for a moment or two. MISS HAWTHORNE: I'm not at all surprised. Not at all. (Smiles.) It'll pass, Mr. Groom, it'll pass. PC GROOM: I'm feeling a lot better now already, thank you. MISS HAWTHORNE: We must be on our guard, all of us. (She clutches her green cloak and walks off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. COUNTRY LANE (The DOCTOR and JO in Bessie shoot down a lane.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. CROSSROADS (Ahead of them, a finger post in the crossroads points in four different directions - one of them towards Devil's End which is three miles away. The same demonic wind strikes up and the post starts to revolve round at speed until it comes to a stop with the sign for Devil's End pointing in totally the wrong direction. Its job done, the wind dies down - just as Bessie comes into view. The car hesitates and then drives on in the incorrect direction indicated.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. CHURCHYARD (MISS HAWTHORNE strides through the churchyard. As she steps down a rise towards the vicarage, she jumps as she almost walks into a black garbed figure that stand before her - the Verger GARVIN.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh! GARVIN: What do you want? MISS HAWTHORNE: How dare you jump out at me like that! Out of my way, please. GARVIN: (Insistent.) What do you want? MISS HAWTHORNE: Well, if you must know, I wish to contact the vicar. GARVIN: Mr. Magister's not in at the moment. MISS HAWTHORNE: Not him - I mean the real vicar. GARVIN: (Smiles.) What would you call Mr. Magister then? MISS HAWTHORNE: I mean Canon Smallwood - our old vicar. The one who left in such mysterious circumstances. GARVIN: Nothing mysterious about it. Taken ill and had to leave. MISS HAWTHORNE: Suddenly? In the middle of the night? Without so much as a goodbye to anyone in the village? (GARVIN crosses his arms but doesn't move out of the way.) GARVIN: I've got no time to listen to your nonsense. I've got my work to do. MISS HAWTHORNE: Very well then. I'll see the other gentleman. I cannot say that I like him but he is at least a man of the cloth. GARVIN: (Menacingly.) I told you, didn't I? He's not in. MISS HAWTHORNE: Well, I intend to find that out for myself. Let me pass please. (She tries to push past him but he stands immobile.) GARVIN: You're wasting your time. MISS HAWTHORNE: If you don't stand out of my way, Garvin, I shall be forced to use violence. (A gentle voice calms the situation as the vicar steps forward.) MASTER: Dear me, I hope that violence will not be necessary. (Dressed in a vicar's suit, complete with dog collar and black rimmed spectacles, the village vicar is the MASTER.) MASTER: Good evening, Miss Hawthorne, and, er, what can I do for you? [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. UNIT HQ. DUTY ROOM (SERGEANT BENTON puts the phone down in disgust as CAPTAIN YATES gets a drink out of the dispenser.) SERGEANT BENTON: Well, that's made a mess of my evening! (The door to the room opens and the BRIGADIER walks in, dressed in red-jacketed regimental dress.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Everything in order, Yates? (BENTON stands.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Yes sir. No problems. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: All right, Benton. (To YATES.) Right, and I'm off. You know where to reach me if anything crops up. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Yes sir. (YATES looks at BENTON and smiles.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Have a good evening, sir. (The BRIGADIER, leaving the room, senses the mockery and turns in the doorway.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Thank you, Captain Yates. Goodnight. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: 'Night, sir. SERGEANT BENTON: Goodnight, sir. (He walks out and a UNIT corporal closes the door and then puts a plate of sandwiches in front of BENTON.) SERGEANT BENTON: It's all right for some, isn't it, sir? And we're stuck here with a television and a plate of... (BENTON examines the contents of the plate.) SERGEANT BENTON: Corned beef sandwiches! [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. CHURCHYARD (MISS HAWTHORNE pleads with the MASTER while GARVIN stands sullenly nearby.) MISS HAWTHORNE: I beg you to help me, Mr. Magister. Help me to stop that foolhardy man! MASTER: You mean the Professor? But surely... MISS HAWTHORNE: (Interrupting.) He must not enter the tomb - tonight of all nights! MASTER: Why ever not? MISS HAWTHORNE: Beltane. The forces of evil are abroad tonight. MASTER: Really, Miss Hawthorne, as a rational man, I... MISS HAWTHORNE: (Interrupting, passionately.) We are all in mortal peril, Vicar! Have you no concern for the souls in your care? MASTER: The soul as such is a very dated concept. Er, viewing the matter existentially, I... MISS HAWTHORNE: Existentially? Oh, you're a blockhead! (She turns to go. The MASTER puts a hand on her arm.) MASTER: Miss Hawthorne, one moment. You're very distressed, I can see that. You know, you really are worrying unduly. (He takes off his glasses and stares hypnotically at her.) MASTER: There's nothing to worry about. You must believe me. You must believe me. (MISS HAWTHORNE stares back, gripped by his mesmeric force...) MISS HAWTHORNE: Must...believe... (She shakes her head and gets a grip of herself.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh, why should I believe you? A rationalist, existentialist priest indeed! MASTER: (Angrily.) Listen to me! MISS HAWTHORNE: You're a fool, sir! If you won't help me, I must find someone who will! (She holds up the talisman around her neck, almost as a protection against the evil of the MASTER. He recoils from it and she stalks off. The MASTER stares in fury at her retreating figure, then snaps his fingers at GARVIN. The verger runs forward and the MASTER points at the MISS HAWTHORNE as she walks through the churchyard. The Verger needs no second bidding and starts to run after the lady...) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. ROAD (NIGHT) (Night has fallen and Bessie comes to a fork in the road and stops. JO has a map in her hands and a torch to read it with.) DOCTOR: It's no good, we're hopelessly lost! JO: I can't understand it. We followed the sign posts all right. DOCTOR: Well, if we had, we would have been there by now. You must have missed one. JO: I did not! (The DOCTOR looks at the map in her hands, snatches it and turns it round before handing it back.) DOCTOR: If you look at the map the right way up, we might eventually get there! Now, which way is it. JO: Erm... (She traces their position on the map and points to the left.) JO: ...that way. DOCTOR: Thank you very much! (They move off again in the direction indicated.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (NIGHT) (The barrow is a hive of activity as the TV crew prepare for the midnight broadcast. ALASTAIR FERGUS paces nervously as a calm HARRY walks out of the canvas tunnel entrance.) HARRY: You all right, Alastair? ALASTAIR FERGUS: (Snaps.) Of course I'm all right! Why shouldn't I be, for Pete's sake?! Of all the stupid questions! HARRY: Well, I only asked. There's no need to make a production number out of it. ALASTAIR FERGUS: I'm sorry, Harry. I'm just a bit on edge. I'll be all right. (He walks off. HARRY sees HORNER sat nearby drinking a cup of tea and goes over to him.) HARRY: Everything okay, Professor? Won't be long now. PROF. HORNER: Any sign of that fool woman? HARRY: Not so far. PROF. HORNER: Well, keep her away from me. I'll tell you lad, I'll do her a mischief. HARRY: Do my best. Now, you've got everything straight? We start with an intro from Alastair, then I give you a cue to launch into your speil... PROF. HORNER: Speil? HARRY: The chat bit, "momentous occasion" and all that? PROF. HORNER: Oh aye. HARRY: Tom says if you could break into the burial chamber as the church clock strikes the first stroke of midnight, that would be absolutely super. PROF. HORNER: Right-oh lad, I'll do my best to be "absolutely super"! (HARRY is oblivious to the sarcasm and walks off giving him a thumbs up.) PROF. HORNER: (Muttering.) Super...! (HARRY is about to walk back into the barrow but a thought strikes him...) HARRY: Professor? PROF. HORNER: Mmm? HARRY: Suppose something does happen? PROF. HORNER: Like? HARRY: Personal appearance of you-know-who? PROF. HORNER: Well, use your initiative, lad. (He points to the nearby figure of ALASTAIR.) PROF. HORNER: Get your chatty friend over there to interview him! HARRY: Of course! Why didn't I think of that? (He goes into the barrow.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. UNIT HQ. DUTY ROOM (NIGHT) (BENTON is alone in the darkened duty room engrossed in a rugby match on the television.) MATCH COMMENTATOR: (OOV: On television.) So, trying to run out of his own twenty-five, then inside to Neary... (YATES comes in.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Anything happen yet? SERGEANT BENTON: No sir, not a thing. MATCH COMMENTATOR: (OOV: On television.) ...to Robinson who couldn't hold it. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Isn't it about time for the dig? SERGEANT BENTON: Just about. This is highlights from the game at Twickenham. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Better turn over then. (He goes towards the TV set but before he can reach the channel dial, an incident occurs in the match which annoys the SERGEANT.) SERGEANT BENTON: Hey, did you see that? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Quite right too! MATCH COMMENTATOR: (OOV: On television.) ...a number of the Staffordshire county side. (YATES' interest is now taken with the match and he forgets about changing channels, instead sitting nex to BENTON to watch the game.) SERGEANT BENTON: As bad as the ref you are, sir! (Something else occurs not to the SERGANT'S liking...) SERGEANT BENTON: Oh no! CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: That'll line them. [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (NIGHT) (The pub is still crowded at closing time with the village regulars as the DOCTOR and JO burst in, the DOCTOR rudely pushing past two men to get to the bar.) BERT THE LANDLORD: Come along now friends, drink up! (The DOCTOR stands at the bar next to DR. REEVES and TOM GIRTON. The regulars stare at his strange appearance.) BERT THE LANDLORD: Sorry sir, well past time. DOCTOR: Yeah, that's quite all right. We don't want a drink - just the directions to the Devil's Hump. JO: Where the dig is. BERT THE LANDLORD: Ah, you're going up there are you? It's all on telly, you know? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I know but, er, would you please tell us the way? This is very urgent. BERT THE LANDLORD: (Smiles.) Always in such a hurry, you towns folk. All be the same in a hundred years time, sir! DOCTOR: I can assure you, sir, it will be no such thing! (WINSTANTLEY steps forward.) WINSTANLEY: Are you one of these television chaps then? DOCTOR: Er, I am no sort of "chap" sir! WINSTANLEY: Forgive me, but I thought...well, the costume and the wig, you know? DOCTOR: (Snaps.) Wig?! JO: (Calming.) Now, Doctor! TOM GIRTON: What do you wanna go up the Hump for anyway? DOCTOR: Look, there is no time for all these unnecessary questions... BERT THE LANDLORD: All the time in the world, sir! DOCTOR: I want to go up to the Devil's Hump because I want to stop that lunatic Professor of your from bringing devastation upon you all! TOM GIRTON: (To WINSTANLEY.) Huh, one of Miss Hawthorne's brigade! (And with that he walks out of the pub.) DOCTOR: Is nobody here capable of answering a perfectly simple enquiry? What's the matter with you all? WINSTANLEY: You're making all the fuss, old man. DOCTOR: Fuss? I've never heard such balderdash in all... JO: (Interrupting.) Doctor! (JO turns on the charm for WINSTANLEY...) JO: Look, could you please tell us the way? (...and it works.) WINSTANLEY: Yes, certainly. Straight past the green outside, fork left, straight up the rise and you can't miss it. DOCTOR: (Smiles.) Excellent! Thank you very much! (They start walking out.) JO: Thank you. Goodbye. WINSTANLEY: Extraordinary fellow! (REEVES smiles but BERT looks perturbed...) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. CHURCH. VESTRY (NIGHT) (GIRTON has made his way straight over to the church and is reporting events to the MASTER in the vestry.) TOM GIRTON: White hair he had, and a sort of cloak. (The MASTER flinches.) MASTER: Did he by any chance call himself..."the Doctor"? TOM GIRTON: That's right! It's what the girl called him! How did you know that? (The MASTER'S face darkens...) MASTER: It's of no importance. (He snaps his fingers at GARVIN for him to leave.) MASTER: Well Girton, you've...you've done very well. (He points at GIRTON colourful checked jacket.) MASTER: But, er, why aren't you ready? TOM GIRTON: Well, I thought I should tell you. He said he was going to stop the dig. MASTER: Well, you'd better hurry and change. We start the ceremony in a few minutes. (He shows GIRTON through another door which has a sign on it which reads "TO THE CAVERN". The MASTER himself goes into a gated area of the vestry and opens a cupboard. From it he takes a bright red silken cloak, decorated with a black and gold collar and a gold chain with a mystical talisman as a decoration.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (NIGHT) (Dressed in the cloak, the MASTER walks down the steps into the cavern. Several black cloaked and hooded coven members are preparing for a sabbat, carrying a old altar stone into place. The MASTER walks round the back of the cavern, looking meaningfully at the seated stone gargoyle. He then walks up to the altar stone as coven members walk forward with a ceremonial urn and other accoutrements for the ceremony.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (NIGHT) (The broadcast is about to start...) HARRY: (Shouts.) Quiet please! Lots of lovely hush! (The response is not as fast as he would wish for...) HARRY: (Yells.) Quiet! (The area grows quieter. ALASTAIR FERGUS is getting a last minute touch-up of his make-up. The lady finishes and FERGUS looks into the camera with a sickly smile.) HARRY: Stand by...on the studio announcement now. Good luck, Tom. (HARRY brings down his arm for the cue for FERGUS to begin.) ALASTAIR FERGUS: (To camera.) Welcome back, viewers. And here at the Devil's Hump, the excitement is intense. The stage it set. What shall we see when the curtain rises? [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. ROAD (NIGHT) (Bessie speeds along a darkened road.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (NIGHT) (The altar has been set with the implements for the sabbat. A row of black candles sits along the altar and the MASTER stands over the small urn into which he has thrown some phosphorus material, causing a flare to rise upwards. The coven stands in a perfect circle around the altar.) MASTER: As my will, so mote it be. COVEN: Nema. (The MASTER picks up a small bowl and sprinkles water three times on the altar. He then holds his hands aloft.) MASTER: Hearken to my voice, oh dark one. Ancient and awful, supreme in artifice, bearer of power, I conjure thee - be present here at my command and truly do my will. (His voice rises...) MASTER: Aba, Abara, Agarbara, Gad, Gadoal, Galdina! COVEN: Io Evohe! (The MASTER takes another piece of phosphorescent material and holds it over the urn.) MASTER: As my will, so mote it be! (He drops it in and it flares upwards.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. ROAD (NIGHT) (Bessie tears along the road but JO gives a warning shouts as ahead of them, a branch falls across the road, seemingly by itself and blocking their path. The car comes to a stop and they get out to try and move the obstruction.) DOCTOR: It's no good, we're just wasting time, come on! Run ... (He grabs her hand and they run on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (NIGHT) (HORNER sits next to the entrance stone to the barrow under the light of some small arc lamps. He speaks into the camera.) PROF. HORNER: Let's face it - you've had enough blather from t'other feller! You want to see for yourself. Well, I'll tell you what you're gonna see - a stone wall. (At the base of the stone, he scrapes away some earth.) PROF. HORNER: There you are. What did I tell you? I'm not daft! [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (NIGHT) (The coven circle the altar, chanting "Eoh evoteh" as the MASTER stands, hands raised upwards, outside the circle, chanting his own incantation.) MASTER: Ogoteruss awbm, Aleht tnewy ramahe, Ehwy revedna wonssa, Etih swawec stahn, Bmaltlttiladahy ram! COVEN: Io Evohe! (The MASTER holds his arms aloft as the coven stand still.) MASTER: Eko, eko, Azal! COVEN: Eko, eko, Azal! (The MASTER walks up to the urn and drops in another burning phosphorescent object.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (NIGHT) (HORNER continues to scrape at the stone.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: EXT. FIELD (NIGHT) (The DOCTOR sprints towards the dig as the midnight chimes of the distant church sound out. JO runs behind, desperately trying to keep up.) DOCTOR: Stop! Stop that dig! (JO falls over and struggles to her feet as the DOCTOR continues onwards.) DOCTOR: Stop it! [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (NIGHT) (The coven stand with joined arms round the altar. Smoke and incense fill the cavern.) MASTER: By the power of earth, by the power of air, by the power of fire eternal and the waters of the deep, I conjure thee and charge thee Azal - arise, arise at my command, Azal! Azal! COVEN: Azal! [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (NIGHT) (The DOCTOR runs into the barrow.) DOCTOR: Stop! Don't pull that stone! Don't! (But he is too late. HORNER pulls the stone away and immediately a howling, freezing ice-filled wind pours out of the barrow. The DOCTOR and HORNER fall down under the blast.) [SCENE_BREAK] 37: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (NIGHT) (The wind screams out of the barrow, knocking the TV crew backwards. The ground shakes as FERGUS desperately tries to keep on his feet. Tables, chairs and arc-lamps go flying. HARRY and a cameraman fall to the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (NIGHT) (The wind also fills the cavern. As the coven members falls to the ground, only the MASTER keeps to his feet, his face lit with pleasure as he laughs exultantly.) MASTER: Azal! (GIRTON, using a pillar for support sees something on the other side of the cavern and points.) TOM GIRTON: Look! (The gargoyle's head turns and its eyes are glowing bright red - it is coming to life!) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (NIGHT) (JO struggles through the wind and into the canvas entrance.) [SCENE_BREAK] 40: INT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (She looks at the figures on the ground.) JO: Doctor! Are you...are you all right? (PROF. HORNER and the DOCTOR lie quite still, covered in ice. As the barrow shakes, part of the roof starts to come down.) JO: Doctor! No! Doctor! Oh no!

The Master raises the Devil. The Doctor becomes a wizard.

fd_Charmed_03x02

fd_Charmed_03x02_0

[Scene: Hairdressing salon. Piper is sitting in a chair. She looks over and sees other women reading bridal magazines. She rolls her eyes. She picks up a bridal magazine off of a table and looks at it. She puts it back face down on the table. She stands up and heads for the door. She changes her mind, picks up the bridal magazine and walks outside. She walks into an elevator and two women follow. They happily show each other their engagement rings and Piper pulls a face.] [Cut to outside the manor. Piper pulls up in her car. She gets out and a just married couple drive past in a convertible. She slams her car door shut.] [Cut to inside the manor. Phoebe is standing next to the table making 3D glasses. Prue is watching.] Prue: She's gonna choose you. Phoebe: Is not. Prue: You get to hang out with her a lot more. Phoebe: You've known her longer. I mean, there was that whole bonding time before I was even born. Prue: Okay, she was one and I was three. (Phoebe puts on the 3D glasses.) What did we bond over? Diapers and drooling? What are those? Phoebe: They're glasses so we can watch the eclipse. Prue: They're very cool. Phoebe: I made you a pair too. Prue: Yay, thank you. (Piper walks in.) Phoebe: Oh, good, you're home. Prue: Hey, so, um, we were sorta hoping that you could settle something for us. Piper: Sure, anything to get my mind off weddings. (Prue and Phoebe look at each other.) What? Prue: Nothing. Piper: No, come on. What? Prue: Okay, uh, well, we were kind of wondering who you were going to have as your maid of honor. Piper: Oh, well, let me think about it. I'm not allowed to invite anybody or have a cake or a band or flowers, so what makes you think I'll be able to have a maid of honor? Phoebe: It's not that bad. (They walk into the living room and sit down on the couch.) Piper: It's not like I'm some girly-girl and wants like a fairytale wedding, but I just thought there would be some things that would be givens. Phoebe: Like fighting with the caterer and agonizing over who makes the final cut on the guest list? Piper: Even those. I just, just wanna be able to celebrate a little. Prue: Alright, maybe you're not getting your dream wedding but you are getting your dream guy. (Piper sighs. Leo orbs in.) Phoebe: Leo! Leo: Shh! Phoebe: (whispering) Leo. Leo: I hate to bearer of bad news. Piper: Could you possibly be the bearer of a big hunk? Leo: No after what I just found out. (He sits on the coffee table in front of Piper.) They want an answer, Piper, about us. Either there isn't any us or you guys get a new Lighter. We have till tomorrow night to decide. Piper: Tomorrow night? That's insane. Leo: Look, there is door number three. We can try and pull this off tomorrow night, if we do it's binding. They can't even break that apart. Piper: Yeah, but if they find out they can break us apart into a thousand little pieces. Phoebe: Excuse me? Piper: I believe the term he used was unspeakable wrath, the lengths of which you can't even imagine. Leo: Look, I'm not gonna lie to you, we would be taking a huge risk and until they get an answer they are going to be listening very closely, so any talk of 'it' any use of the W word... Prue: I hate to be the detail police but how are we gonna hide it from them when we're on their supernatural redial? They're always gonna be tuning in. Phoebe, did you find anything in the Book Of Shadows about how to hide this? Phoebe: No, nothing. I'm sorry, I'm still on the unspeakable wrath part. I mean, is that just the bride and groom or does it also include bridesmaids? Prue: Phoebe... Phoebe: What? I mean, there must be some real reason that this merging is so forbidden, their hardcore against it. Prue: Yeah, well, rules are meant to be broken. Phoebe: Bodies weren't. Piper: And neither are hearts. Leo, are you sure there's a way we can do this without getting caught? Leo: If there is we'll find it. Just be extra careful. Speak in code and especially avoid using words like, you know. Piper: Hmm. Leo: Dum, dum, da-dum. Piper: Mmm hmm. Alright, you should go. (They stand up and stand close to each other.) The less time you spend here is probably better. (They move in to kiss but stop.) And we probably shouldn't do that either. Leo: Soon. Piper: Yeah. (Leo orbs out. Prue gets up and hugs Piper.) Prue: Why are they so hell vent on seeing each one of us so very very alone. (Kit growls from outside.) Kit? [Cut to the porch. An owl is there and Kit has her claw up ready to attack it. Phoebe opens the door.] Piper: Kit, leave that alone. Phoebe: Bad kitty! (The owl suddenly turns into a naked man.) Prue: Good kitty. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Living room. Everyone is there including the guy (Chris). He has wrapped a towel around his waste.] Chris: Are you afraid of me? Prue: No, are you planning on sprouting horns, growing fangs and eating us? Guy: If you work for him he'll do worse than that. Prue: Which him are you referring to? Piper: Okay, hi, not that I don't enjoy the verbal ping pong here but we do have that other thing we need to figure out kind of quickly, so let's cut to the chase. Are we helping or fighting? Chris: What you saw happen to me didn't scare you? Phoebe: If I had a dollar for every time an owl turned into a hot guy on our porch, I'd be rrr-- (Piper covers Phoebe's mouth.) Piper: We've seen worse. Prue: If you're not here to kill us, apparently we're supposed to help you. Chris: The only help you can give me is to allow me to leave. (You see a wolf lurking outside.) Prue: I think it's pretty obvious, don't you, that uh, pretty familiar with the world of magic. We're sort of on the same team here. Chris: But the last thing I need in my life right now is more magic. Piper: I don't think you understand. Chris: No, you're right, I don't understand, because I stopped understanding when he cursed me and took my life away from me. The only thing I do understand is lost. The only think I want is revenge. Phoebe: Who did this to you? Was it a magician, a sorcerer? Chris: It was my boss. Prue: Just give us some time, I'm sure we can figure out-- Chris: I've lost enough time already when your cat dragged me here. Look, I only have twelve hours and at sunrise tomorrow I am airborne again. I won't, no, I can't last another day repeating the same cycle. Tonight, this thing ends. His life and I hope the curse that goes along with it. Prue: Just give us 30 seconds, please. Chris: Starts now. Piper: Okay, uh, there are some of my boyfriend's clothes over there. Why don't you dress while we huddle. (He walks over to the pile of clothes.) Phoebe: Well, he definitely has that whole tortured innocent thing going on. Piper: Yeah, but we're kind of busy and he doesn't seem to want our help. Prue: Been there, saved that, it wouldn't be the first time. Alright, you get ready just incase he decides to bolt. Alright, here's what we're gonna... (The guy has snuck out.) Piper: Oh, well, he's gone. That's too bad. Phoebe: Uh, Piper, we can't just ignore this. He was brought to us for a reason. Piper: Yes, but we have to find a way to hide the rudabaga before they catch on. Prue: The rudabaga? Piper: It's a code word for the thing we're not supposed to talk about. (Hums the wedding song.) Prue: Oh, the rudabaga. Piper: Yes, so let's do the dividing conquer thing, okay? (Kit is playing with the owl feather.) Great. Prue: I'll look in the Book Of Shadows and try to scry what this owl feather is. (She picks up the feather.) You guys see what you can come up with for Piper's rudabaga. (Piper walks in the foyer.) Phoebe: Uh, maybe I should stay here and help you. Prue: Phoebe, Piper needs your help just as much as the innocent does, maybe more. Phoebe: I'm fully aware that we're supposed to protect the innocent, these are the rules that we live by now. I'm just not so sure we should be helping Piper break them. [Scene: Bookstore. Piper and Phoebe are standing in line holding some books.] Phoebe: I don't get it. If our ancient compilation of spells, witchcrafts and rituals can't help us, what makes you think Martha Stewart can? Piper: You know what I don't get? Is why you're giving me such a hard time about this. Weren't you the same girl that was pushing me to say yes? If you didn't think I should have a rudabaga then you should've said so maybe, like a long time ago. (Cole walks up to them.) Cole: Ding-ding, back to your corners. Phoebe: Hi! Cole: Phoebe... and... Phoebe: Uh... Piper: Piper. Phoebe: Piper. Cole: Right. Phoebe: Assistant District Attorney, we have to stop meeting like this. Cole: You better be careful or a guy might think he's been followed. (Phoebe laughs.) Piper: You better be careful or a girl might think her sister's getting a really cheesy pick up line. Phoebe: Um, so what brings you all the way across town? Cole: I needed some source material on a forensics psychology case. Phoebe: Well, I can see you're making a lot of progress. (He looks at his empty hands.) Cole: Yeah. (They laugh. Piper's not impressed. A bookstore employee hands him some books.) Bookstore Employee: He's the info on forensics psychology you requested. Cole: Thanks. Phoebe: Oh, embarrassed pretty one. (They walk up to the counter and put their books down. Cole sees Piper's book "How To Keep Your Marriage".) Cole: So who's the lucky guy or more importantly, who's the lucky sister? (The bookstore employee puts the books in two bags.) Piper: Me... me, me. Mimi, our cousin. (Cole wiggles his fingers and Piper's books swap over with his.) Our cousin Mimi. Phoebe: Good old cousin Mimi. Piper: Lover. Cole: Well, I should probably get going. I've sort of got plans to accidentally bump into another eye witness over at the Gas and Sips. (Phoebe laughs.) Phoebe: Cute. Cole: I get cuter. Piper: Can we go now? (Piper grabs the bag with Cole's books in it and Phoebe follows. Cole pulls out Piper's books and looks at the covers. They are called "How To Keep You Marriage" and "The Secret Of Eloping".) [Scene: The sorcerer's office. He and his assistant walk into a room.] Assistant: I made another killing today. When you told the traders to buy fifty-four and a quarter, they were a little sketchy. Thirty minutes later everybody's rich and they're worshipping you like a God. Boss: Magic does take a bit of the risk out of playing the market. Unfortunately none of my risks have paid out like they're supposed to. Assistant: You've heard it too? Boss: He's screech reeks of despair, he's in the air circling, he longs for her like I do. Assistant: Give it time. Boss: I sought the magic so I wouldn't have to. It's been two months, the curse should've broken them by now. All this means nothing if I can't have what I want. I want her. Dismissed. (The assistant disappears in a puff of smoke. Chris appears behind the boss and holds a knife up against his chest.) Chris: I am going to cut out your heart like you cut out mine. Boss: Christopher, I'm impressed. In our time apart you've gone and discovered courage. Chris: Wouldn't you like to borrow some? Boss: No, thanks, I'm trying to cut down. I have to say I'm a bit surprised to see you've managed to come so close. Note to self, chat with security.. Chris: A birds eye view gives a man a different perspective, different strategies. Boss: Uh, yes, the curse. So tell me, does absence make the heart grow fonder? (Chris jabs the knife in his chest.) Aaahhh! Do you really think that killing me will ease your pain? All that will do is ensure that the curse lasts forever. (Boss flicks his hand and a man appears holding a crossbow.) Man: You rang? Boss: What's it gonna be, Chris? You've got the wrong plan. The only way your curse ends it she gives herself to me but, ah, is he telling the truth? I'll let you know a little secret, I never bluff and he rarely misses. (The man shoots the crossbow and Chris jumps out of the way. He runs away.) Find him and kill him and if you don't by sunrise, kill every owl you see. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Prue's looking through the Book Of Shadows. Piper and Phoebe walk in.] Prue: Hey, I hope you guys had better luck than I did. (Piper walks over to the BOS and starts flipping the pages.) Piper: Not really. I ended up with the wrong books and, uh, well, Phoebe almost got lucky right there in the store. Phoebe: Ha ha. So you didn't find anything? Prue: Yeah, it's just the pieces don't really seem to fit, you know, I mean, I-I can understand cursing someone to be an animal but why for only half of the day? Phoebe: And we don't know where he went, right? Prue: No, I tried scrying with the owl feather but it must not work while he's human. Piper: I found something. Prue: On the curse? Piper: Um, no, about the, um, rudabaga. It's a ritual that's like a rudabaga but it's called a, um... (she writes down "Handfasting" on a small blackboard.) Phoebe: Oh, yeah, hand... Prue/Piper: Shh shh shh. Piper: The reason we write the bad words is so that we don't say the bad words. Wait a minute, I thought you said you looked in the book and couldn't find anything to help me. Phoebe: Uh, yeah, well, it said that we needed a high priestess and since we don't have one of those I just sort of figured why even mention it. Besides, I couldn't find anything in there about how to hide it from them and thinks that's the really most important part so that we don't have to feel the, um... (she writes "unspeakable wrath" on the blackboard and shows it to them.) Piper: I think you can say those words. Phoebe: Uh, I was hoping writing them down would help us remember them. Um, I'm just worried that if you go through with it, it's going to be too dangerous and that maybe, um, this is really hard for me to say, but maybe you're being a little selfish. Piper: Selfish? Phoebe: Yeah, because what if your rudabaga keeps us from doing our job, keeps us from saving innocent people? What happens then? Piper: Uh, yeah, but what about me? I mean, maybe you're right, maybe I'm being selfish but what's wrong with that? I mean, when do we get to do something for ourselves? Haven't you ever wondered that, or wanted that? Phoebe: Yeah, absolutely, but not at the expense of hurting other people or each other. Piper: Is that what you're afraid of? Getting hurt? Phoebe: No, Piper, I'm afraid that you're not afraid of getting hurt. Piper: I've been through more pain in the past two years that you can imagine and this is the only way to stop that. Now, I'd like to do the right thing but I also want to be with him. (Piper closes the Book Of Shadows and the owl feather falls on the floor. Phoebe picks it up and has a premonition of Chris being attacked by a wolf.) Prue: What is it? Phoebe: Our innocent and I think he was being attacked by a coyote or a wolf. [Scene: Forest. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are there looking for Chris.] Phoebe: Alright, wait a minute, I think that this looks like the place... sorta. Piper: That's funny, I remember it looking like the right place sorta three hours ago. Phoebe: Okay, look, if you wanted a supernatural low jack, you came to the wrong witch. Oh, wait, look, that is where Christopher was standing in my premonition. (A wolf is lurking in the bushes.) Piper: Shh, shh, what was that? (They see Chris.) Prue: There he is. Phoebe: Hey! (The wolf runs out and barks at the girls.) Chris: No! (The wolf runs over to Chris.) Phoebe: Okay, Piper, you have to freeze him. Prue: Wait. Chris: (to the wolf) We don't have much time, my love, someone's coming. Prue: He's not attacking. (They run into an old house and face each other. Prue, Piper and Phoebe watch from outside. As the sun rises the wolf turns into a naked woman and Chris turns into an owl.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Continued from before. The woman (Brooke), now dressed, runs out of the house. Prue, Piper and Phoebe follow.] Prue: Wait. Christopher want us to talk to you. Phoebe: He does? Prue: I'm vamping. It's the only was to get her to stop. Look, we met him last night, right before he went after the sorcerer. We tried to stop him but without your help he'll do it again and we both know what will happen if he does. Brooke: He'll die. How do I know that you're not working for him? Prue: You don't. You guys can't do it alone so you're just gonna have to trust us. Brooke: Trust is earned. Phoebe: Okay, I hate to break up the whole getting to know you portion of the program but what did Christopher mean when he said someone was coming? Brooke: If Christopher went after him, then he must've sent someone after us. Piper: Why? Brooke: Because he fell in love with me. This, this curse is my punishment for not returning that love. Piper: So woman by day and wolf by night? (The owl flies past them.) Brooke: He's warning me, we have to go. Piper: Huh? Oh, alright. (They start running. The sorcerer's assistant appears with a crossbow and shoots arrows at them.) Assistant: Where is he? Prue: That's the least of your problems. (Prue uses her power and he goes flying. He runs away.) Phoebe: Have we earned your trust yet? Come on. [Scene: Manor. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Brooke walk inside.] Piper: I swear to God I've seen this in a movie somewhere. Prue: Uh, Pheebs? Phoebe: Upstairs, Book Of Shadows, curse search, way ahead of ya. Prue: (to Brooke) Uh, okay, you and I are gonna go to the kitchen. Brooke: I'm fine, really, let me help. Prue: Look, you are tired and hungry, please, just let me help. (They walk in the kitchen.) Phoebe: (to Piper) Wanna take a wiccan time out and do the crossword puzzle? (Piper gives her a look.) Piper, uh, about what I said before, I didn't mean... Piper: Yes, you did. You never say anything you don't mean. Phoebe: You keep saying that it isn't like what you'd have imagined and I do understand your side of it, I mean, I have never seen anyone look at you the way Leo does and that is beautiful and you deserve that but I still, I, um, I can't say that it's right. And I wish that I were wrong and it's important that you know that. Piper: The problem is you're not. There's truth to it to what you said, I can't deny that. So unless both you and Prue approve it I won't go through with it.. (Piper walks in the kitchen and Phoebe goes upstairs.) [Cut to the kitchen. Brooke is reading a note left on the fridge.] Brooke: We used to leave each other notes. When this, when this first happened I'd find them at sunrise and I'd know, I'd remember all the reasons why I loved him. And then... Prue: The letters stopped. Brooke: There's a limit, you know, to how much any person can take. (She looks out the window.) You keep wondering... (The owl lands on the back of a chair outside.) You keep asking yourself... Piper: Shouldn't love conquer all? Prue: You know this isn't fair. I mean, it's hard enough to find somebody that you can spend the rest of your life with but when you constantly have magic medalling, I am so sick of it. I mean, I've been through it, you're going through it and now Brooke? What love can't conquer we will. Piper: For everybody but ourselves. Prue: Honey, the day's not over yet. Piper: We're gonna need your help if you want this to end happily ever after. I know I could use a happy ending. [Scene: Sorcerer's office. The sorcerer and his assistant are there. The assistant is holding a blood soaked bag.] Sorcerer: You come bearing gifts? Assistant: I come bearing victory. Sorcerer: That's an awfully small bag for such an awfully large prey. If you'd killed the right bird we'd be looking at a dead human bleeding on my floor right now. You're foolish. Or deceitful. Either way, you failed. Assistant: He had help. Sorcerer: By whom? A pigeon perhaps? Maybe a penguin to the rescue. Assistant: Witches, and now they're with her. Sorcerer: Their choice in competence is not relevant. The fact that he still lives is. I wanted blood on my hands. I don't have his so I guess I'll have to take yours. (The assistant is engulfed in flames and turns into a pile of ash on the floor. The sorcerer talks into the speaker phone.) Clean up aisle two. (Another assistant appears.) Congratulations, you've just been promoted. [Scene: Manor. In the backyard. Prue, Piper and Brooke are there. Brooke walks over to the owl.] Brooke: I took a job. It was an established firm with the reputation for promoting within. (She picks up the owl.) My boss was this odd man. I've worked for nightmares before but nothing like this. He made moves, I made things clear, he made me this. Piper: To keep you away from Christopher? Brooke: He said if he couldn't have me, no one would. Until there was a night within a day or until I give in. I never thought... magic was for kids parties, it wasn't real. I didn't know. Piper: We're still kind of getting used to it ourselves. Brooke: But this, this is my fault. Prue: No, you said yes to a job, not to a man. Brooke: But Christopher is being punished because of me. I did this to him. Prue: That's not what he said. He doesn't blame you for anything and he said... Piper: How strong you are. Brooke: He said that? (Piper nods.) Prue: He said that it's your strength that he first fell in love with. And he just needs to know that you're not gonna give that up. [Cut to the attic. Phoebe is looking through the Book Of Shadows.] Phoebe: Anything, anything. I curse you, you curse me, get together and do a little cursing. (The pages star flipping by themselves.) Whoa! (The pages stop on the "Handfasting" spell.) Okay, alright, you know, I specifically asked for a... Grams' Voice: You asked for an answer. There it is. Phoebe: I know that voice. (Grams' spirit appears.) Grams: Well, I should hope so. Yours came through loud and clear so, here I am. Phoebe: Grams. (She walks over to her.) Oh, I would hug you but... Grams: I know. It's just good to be here. Phoebe: Yeah, and not that I'm not thrilled by that fact but I'm a little fuzzy on the why. Grams: You need guidance, some advice on a certain sister situation. Am I getting warm? Phoebe: Red hot. But wait a minute, if you know, that means that they know, and if they know then we are f-- Grams: Fine. Anyway, I'm beyond them now. Secrets safe with me. But what about you, Phoebe? Do you want to tell me about that nagging concern you have in your gut? Phoebe: That's no fair you have after life advantage. Grams: I also know you, Phoebe. Talk to me. Phoebe: Okay. (She sits down on a chair.) Um, I wanna be able to support Piper in this. I want to look at her and I wanna say go for it but what if her and Leo get rudabaga-ed and they find out and then something horrible happens to them. I mean, look what happened to mum and her... special friend. And I hate to go skipping down selfish road but what if by association... Grams: You and Prue get hurt. Phoebe: Yeah. I wanna be supportive to her, Grams, I really do but everything in my heart is telling me that it's wrong. Grams: All valid points but logic and reason go out the window when love gets involved. Phoebe: Yes, I know that but... Grams: The Charmed Ones are destined for greatness. But that fact doesn't keep a girl warm on a cold winters night. Phoebe: So add a blanket. Grams, I can't believe you're saying this. Grams: I'm saying what I know. I remember the loneliness all too well. Phoebe: You were married four times. Grams: Well, that's because I never found true love but maybe Piper has and when the time comes within to make it official, they'll feel it, they'll know. Prue: (from downstairs) Phoebe? Phoebe: Coming. (Grams disappears.) Thank you. [Cut to downstairs. Assistant #2 is chasing them around the house with a crossbow. Piper gets stuck against the wall with two arrows stuck on her sleeves. Phoebe walks downstairs and he shoots an arrow near her. Phoebe gasps. Prue uses her power and he crashes into a cupboard.] Piper: Pheebs, a little help here please. (Prue and Phoebe pull out the arrows.) Okay, he could've killed me. Phoebe: Us. Prue: The question is why didn't he? Assistant #2: Because I don't want you. I want the bird, where is he hiding? (Brooke walks into the room and the assistant points the crossbow at her. The owl flies in front of her and he shoots getting the owl.) Brooke: No! (Prue uses her power and an arrow flies into the assistant. He disappears in a puff of smoke. Prue, Piper and Phoebe run over to the Brooke. Brooke is crying. She picks up the owl.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Everyone's there sitting on the couch. Brooke is holding the owl.] Prue: He'll be alright. Brooke: I know that's the right thing for you to say but you don't know that. Now all I can do is watch him die. Prue: No, we can do a lot more than that. Piper: You know I can't, not now, not while they're watching. Prue: Piper, this has absolutely nothing to do with us and everything to do with an innocent. (Piper closes her eyes and Leo orbs in.) Leo, we, uh... Leo: I know, they told me about the bad guys. The vanquishing talk caught their ears not the other thing. Prue: Leo's a healer. (Leo walks over to Brooke and the owl.) Leo: I can't heal animals. Phoebe: Well, we can't take him to the vet. Piper: He's not exactly an animal. (Leo tries to heal the owl.) Prue: He is until sunset. Phoebe: So you're saying we have to wait? Leo: I'm sorry. (The doorbell rings. Phoebe answers it.) Cole: 1329 Prescott St. (He holds out the bag of books. Phoebe looks confused.) On the receipt. In the bag. (He looks for it.) It was there. That sounded much better in my head. (Phoebe laughs.) Phoebe: They gave you our books and you thought you'd drop them by. Cole: That wasn't so hard when you said it. I actually need the ones I bought, so if you don't mind I... Phoebe: Of course you do, okay. (Phoebe goes to get the books. Cole starts to follow but she stops him.) Oh, actually, uh, you know, my sister sort of got into it today so the place is a disaster, it's like a bomb went off. So if you don't mind just waiting here that would be great. (She closes the door, gets the books and opens the door back up.) Hi! (She hands the to him.) So, you going back to the office? Cole: Justice must be served, right? Phoebe: Tell me about it. (Leo walks into the foyer.) Leo: Phoebe, everything okay? I was starting to get worried. Hey. Phoebe: Um, Cole, Leo. Leo, Cole. Leo: Nice to meet you. (They shake hands and some of Leo's Whitelighter dust rubs off onto Cole's hand.) Cole: Pleasure. Leo: Sorry to, uh... Cole: No, no, I was just leaving. I really need to take care of some business. (Leo and Phoebe go back inside. Cole walks down the stairs. He puts his suitcase down and gets a handkerchief out of this jacket pocket. He wipes his hand.) Whitelighters always were messy. (to his shadow) Report this. (His shadow floats down the stairs and goes down a drain.) [Cut back to the living room.] Piper: Did you ever think, did you ever consider that maybe it wasn't meant to be? (Phoebe and Leo walk in.) Things happen for a reason, right? Maybe it's not worth the risk to be together. Brooke: If you don't take the risk for love, then what do you take it for? (Phoebe clears her throat. Leo walks outside.) Piper: Leo, wait. (She goes after him.) [Cut to outside. Leo is walking down the stairs. Piper follows.] Piper: Leo, wait, you can't do that. You can not come into the end a conversation and assume everything. Leo: Alright, let's pretend that I don't know anything. Then explain it to me. Piper: I wasn't questioning you, I was questioning our decision. Leo: Then ask me your questions. Piper: Don't you think I would like to? Leo: Honestly, I don't know what you're thinking. Piper: Well, what I'm thinking is maybe Phoebe is right. Maybe we're being selfish, our decision affects other people, other people that I happen to love. Leo: I love them too, Piper. Piper: I know, I know that. Look, you are the last person I wanna be fighting with right now. Leo: Then let's stop. Piper: Leo, if we get... if you and... Okay, let me try that again. Brooke and Christopher love each other very much but in the end that didn't matter. Leo: We haven't reached the end yet. Have a little faith. Don't you think this scares me too? Don't you think that I have my doubts? Piper: Do you? Leo: Of course I do. What I'm trying to say is I know what Christopher must feel. You know, always worried about the timing, about how he has to live his life, knowing what his true feelings are but unable to share those with the one person that he has them for. Piper: She knows but it doesn't fix everything. Phoebe: (off camera) You've gotta give it a chance. (Phoebe is standing on the lawn holding a small blackboard.) Logic and reason go out the window when love gets involved. (She holds up the blackboard and "You have my blessing" is written on it.) Piper: Wait a minute, I thought you said that... Phoebe: Yeah, well, I got a long distance call with some really good advice. Piper: But we still haven't figured out how to pull it off. Phoebe: When the time's right, you'll know. [Cut back to the living room. Brooke is there still holding the owl.] Brooke: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I can't let you die. Please forgive me, please forgive me. (She puts him on the couch.) [Cut back outside. Phoebe is looking up at the sky.] Piper: That's quite a turnaround for you, sis. Who's your new confidant? Phoebe: Huh? Leo: I think she means your advice giver. phoebe: Uh, it was just... oh my God. (She blocks her face with the blackboard.) Piper: Nice try, Pheebs, but the distraction technique stopped working in third grade. Phoebe: No, it's not a technique, it's an eclipse. Look at it. (They do so.) No, wait, don't look at it. Trust me. I totally forgot that the eclipse was t... day. A night within a day. Piper: I'm sorry, please repeat. Phoebe: The curse, the eclipse. Until a night within a day. Isn't that what Brooke said? That's what gonna break the curse. (She runs inside.) Prue, it's happening. [Cut to the living room. The owl s has turned back into a Chris. Everyone walks in.] Prue: Leo, it just happened. Please help him. Phoebe: This proves the theory. It's the eclipse. (Chris tries to sit up.) Leo: Whoa, whoa, you're not going anywhere. Chris: Brooke. Prue: Just rest, okay, we'll tell her. Chris: You can't, she's gone. Phoebe: What do you mean she's gone? She was in the kitchen when I left. Prue: She's gone to him hasn't she? Alright, we'll handle it while Leo works on you. (Leo walks over to Chris. He pulls out the arrow and heals him.) Chirs: Thank you. Piper: I don't understand. Why would Brooke go to him? Chris: She didn't trust that you would be able to save me but she knows that she can. Phoebe: How? Chris: The curse. If at anytime she agrees to be with him, seals the pledge with a kiss... Piper: She'll be forever bound. Phoebe: But the eclipse changes that. Prue: Yeah, but she doesn't know that. [Scene: Sorcerer's office. The sorcerer and three men are there.] Sorcerer: He's off the radar then he's more then failed, which leaves a space open for one of you to fill and you do that by killing the owl. (Brooke walks in.) Brooke: I was hoping you would take me instead. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Continued from before. Brooke and the sorcerer are now facing each other.] Brooke: Aren't you going to kiss me? Sorcerer: Brooke, I may be cheap but I'm not easy. No, wait, yes I am. You're only doing this to save him aren't you? That's okay, it's quite obvious. You know what? I don't care. You'll grow to love me. Brooke: I have your insurance that Chris will not be harmed again? Sorcerer: You have my love. Isn't that enough? [Cut to outside. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Chris walk in the building. Piper freezes everyone. They start walking up the corridor.] Phoebe: T minus and counting. Piper: Then we get to break into attica. Phoebe: Well, we do have other choices. We can climb the roof or see if there's a convenient and unguarded side entrance or we could use the wonder twin powers. (Piper stops.) Piper: Ugh. I don't feel so... Prue: What is it? Piper: I don't know, I don't have a good feeling about this. Wait a minute, I take that back. I do have a good feeling about it, about something. I feel all warm and fuzzy. Prue: Is it your stomach? Piper: No, it's here. (She pats her chest.) Phoebe: When the time is right you'll know. Oh my God, the time is right. Prue: The time for what? Phoebe: The, uh, the wed... the rudabaga. It's gotta be the eclipse. If we can't look up, that must mean that they can't look down. (Prue gets all excited.) Prue: Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooh, this is it, this is it. Okay, all we have to do is get home and... Phoebe: And do the ritual and let Leo know and call the florist and we gotta d-d... (Piper stops her.) What's, what? Piper: We've gotta get to Brooke. Phoebe: Right, we've gotta get to Brooke and then we gotta get home. Piper: No, we only got time for one. So we either save Brooke... Chris: Piper, go home. Of all people I understand this, alright, and so would Brooke. I can handle this on my own. Piper: No. Alright, we'll go in the front. [Cut back to the sorcerer's office. He and Brooke are leaning in ready to kiss. The door flies open.] Sorcerer: Oh, look, it's the girl scouts. Set your thin mints down on the table and leave before you get yourselves hurt. Prue: Let her go. Sorcerer: I have no fear of witches. Prue: Maybe not but how do you feel about true love? (Brooke sees Chris and they smile.) Sorcerer: That's not possible. (Chris and Brooke walk over to each other.) If I can't have her, no one will. (A crossbow appears in the sorcerer's hand.) Piper: Whoa. (She freezes them.) Phoebe: Anyone got a vanquish in their pocket? Prue: Oh, let's not get rid of him just yet. I want him to watch this for a little bit. (She uses her power and the crossbow flies out of his hand.) Okay, go ahead. (Piper unfreezes them and Chris and Brooke kiss. The sorcerer starts to burn and disappears. Chris and Brooke hug.) Brooke: I don't know what to say. Chris: How can we thank you? Prue: You already have. Phoebe: Oh, Piper, I think I have a solution to the whole maid of honor thing. Prue: Oh, me too. Piper: Is that our distinct lack of a high priestess? Phoebe: Would you please just let me worry about that. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Grams and Leo are standing there. Leo is dressed in a suit.] Grams: Girls, your high priestess is waiting, unfortunately the eclipse is not. Now let's move it. (She uses her power and wedding music plays in the CD player.) That would be your queue, maids of honor. (Prue and Phoebe, who are all dressed up, walk down the stairs. The stand at the bottom of the stairs. Piper walks down wearing a light blue dress and holding a bouquet. Leo smiles. She stops at the bottom of the stairs.) Prue: You look beautiful. I know it's not exactly how you wanted it. Piper: But it's exactly what I wanted. (She looks over at Leo and they smile. Prue, Piper and Phoebe walk into the living room. Piper stands in front of Leo. They smile again. All of a sudden Leo starts jerking. He yells, is surrounded by light and orbs out.) Grams, how can this happen? What did we do? (She starts to panic.) Grams: Listen to me, darling, it's going to be okay. We will fix this. (Piper starts crying.) Piper: We, we have to. (Prue and Phoebe hold her arms.) This, this is all my fault. (She kneels on the floor and so do Prue and Phoebe.) He didn't deserve to be... I don't, I don't think I can do this. (She cries harder and Prue and Phoebe comfort her.) [Scene: A dark place. Three hooded men are standing in a circle with Cole in the middle.] Hooded Man #1: You do good work. Hooded Man #2: To get close to the Halliwell's with no suspicion... splendid. Hooded Man #3: And we were pleased that you informed us of the witch's nuptials. Cole: The pleasure was mine. Hooded Man #2: And the pleasure was theirs when the information was shared. Hooded Man #1: You get useful knowledge of the Charmed Ones, now you must gain their trust. Others have failed. Cole: Others weren't me. Hooded Man #3: So, what is next? Cole: The wedding was child's play, a perk if you will. I'm focusing my attentions on Phoebe, she's my way in. You sent me up to find out how to destroy them, I'd say we're well on our way.

After discovering that Piper and Leo will have less than 24 hours to get married before the Elders forbid it, they ask for Prue and Phoebe's help in planning and executing the ceremony. However, their plans get put on hold when the Charmed Ones have to help a couple break a jealous sorcerer's curse that keeps them apart. Later, Piper and Leo get some unexpected help in the form of Grams. Meanwhile, Cole continues his quest to get close to the Charmed Ones through a relationship with Phoebe.

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_04x13

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_04x13_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Rumplestiltskin, I command you to leave Storybrooke. Emma: That looks like your book. Henry: It's blank. And if this place is full of potential storybooks... This is the author's house. I was hoping he could write me a happier story. I'm in. I learned the rules do apply to me. There's someone who can change those rules... the author. Uhh! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Forbidden Fortress - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Ursula is in the Fortress. She knocks out a gard.) Maleficent: Stop. Just who the hell might you be? (Ursula attacks Maleficent.) Ursula: Ursula. But you can call me your majesty. Maleficent: I don't bow down to fish. Ursula: Who are you? Maleficent: I'm the person whose valet you either knocked out, strangled, or tried to impregnate. I don't know what those tentacles are for. Ursula: I was invited here. What's your excuse? Maleficent: This is my home. Ursula: So why did you send for me? Maleficent: Believe me, I did not send for you. Ursula: Then what... (They hear barking dogs. Cruella comes.) Cruella: I wouldn't do that. Don't worry. They don't eat fish or dragon. Unless I tell them to. Thank you, my darlings. A wonderful job. I'll take it from here. Now who's gonna tell me what in the hell I'm doing in this ghastly place? Maleficent: Lovely question, because this "Ghastly place" is my home, and I didn't ask for any visitors. Cruella: I received specific instructions. Ursula: As did I. Maleficent: I don't care. You're trespassing. And do you know what I do with trespassers? Ursula: Don't even think it. Rumpelstiltskin: Now, now, ladies. Don't tear each other apart. I need you all in one piece... Or rather, three pieces. Maleficent: Rumplestiltskin. It was you. Rumpelstiltskin: Guilty. Ursula: Someone wanna tell me why I left the sea for this? Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, yes. The reason for this little tete-a-tete-a-tete... A-tete... We all have something in common, apart from mutual distaste. We're villains. And it's time the villains got their happy endings. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina leads Henry to the school bus. Mary Margaret teaches to her class again.) Mary Margaret: Now who can tell me what the study of birds is called? Henry. Henry: Ornithology? Mary Margaret: Very good. (In the Mayor office, Regina unpack her stuff. She burns Mary Margaret's picture. At the Charming Family's loft, Granny looks after Neal. Emma says goodbye to her bother and leaves. She joins Hook. They meet Belle at the library. Emma leaves Hook and Belle.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook and Belle are at the Library. They try to figure out how release the fairies from the hat.) Belle: Well, I see you still have your temper. Hook: Six weeks and nothing. They're still trapped inside that bloody hat. Belle: Look, we just have to keep at it, okay? But we will find a spell to release the fairies. I mean, these translations are difficult, but I've reached out to some of the finest minds in the world, and one of them will get back to us. I know it. Hook: If we're reduced to those magic boxes, then I'd say hope is in short supply. Belle: They, uh... Call it the Internet. And it can help us. And once we get the fairies out of the hat, they can help us release everyone else, including that poor old man that you put in there. Hook: All because I left myself be tricked by that Crocodile. How could I have been so weak? Belle: Well... We both were. You know, Rumplestiltskin got the best of us. And you're right. You... You should've been stronger, but you weren't. And...Well, neither was I. You know, I... I should've seen through him. Hook: You were blinded by love. What was my excuse? Belle: Probably the same, just for someone else. Hook: Well, he's right about one thing... Love is a weapon, as dangerous and persuasive as magic. Belle: Yeah. Yeah. He had both of our hearts. Hook: Hey... As big a b*st*rd as he was, he did love you. Belle: And, uh, now he's gone from our lives forever. Yeah, I... I just, I uh... I just hope he's found whatever it is he's looking for. [SCENE_BREAK] [ New York ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Ursula gets back in her apartment.) Ursula: That means it's ready. Mr Gold: Yes, I know how to work a microwave, thank you. Ursula: Because the Dark One did so much cooking in his time. Mr Gold: Well, worry not. My power extends far beyond ramen noodles. Ursula: Yeah, just not in this life. You know, I'm beginning to think you're a lot of talk, a lot of empty promises about happy endings, when all you do is eat my food, sleep on my couch. That better not be the last ramen! Do I look like I'm made of money? I work at an aquarium. Mr Gold: No, that's not what you do. What you do is complain. You know why? Ursula: I love you, babies. Mr Gold: Because your life, for want of a better term, is crap. Ursula: Hey, are you forgetting who's been taking care of you? (Please.) Mr Gold: Providing reheatable noodles and what might charitably be called shelter... No great gift. Certainly not compared to what I'm providing. I'm gonna fix all your problems. Ursula: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you well enough to know you don't care about me. Mr Gold: No, I don't. I care about me. You're lucky our problems just so happen to align. (Mr Gold receives a mail.) Ursula: You got something? Mr Gold: The beginning. Ursula: Of what? Ursula: The end of our misery. It's time to visit an old friend. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Great Neck, Long Island ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold and Ursula arrive before a huge house.) Ursula: So this is where she lives? I guess some of us are doing better than others. Cruella: Look at this. This is too awful. Darling, do we need all these theatrics? Mr Gold: Were doing better. (The FBI Agent arrest Cruella's husband and take their stuffs.) Agent: Ma'am... Sorry, lady. Cruella: This was mine before. Mr Gold: Cruella de Vil. Cruella: No one calls me that here. Mr Gold: Well, I'm sorry, dearie, but Cruella Feinberg doesn't have quite the same ring. Cruella: What in hell are you two doing here? Mr Gold: Looking to regain our greater glory. A glory I can soon return to you both, if you join me. Cruella: I'm not going anywhere with you. Mr Gold: Well, maybe you should. Things have changed... Mea culpa. Our last time together was less than ideal. But now? Now our interests align once more. You've lost all you have, and so have we. That's why I'm here, to put an end to having everything taken away. Cruella: Oh, not everything. Mr Gold: And where are you gonna go with these paltry material possessions? Cruella: To get myself some less paltry possessions. Mr Gold: An empty pursuit. You're gonna end up right back where you started. Cruella: I will never go back to where I started. Mr Gold: I can get back everything you've lost and more. Cruella: You know, you talk a good game, Dark One, but can you deliver in a world with no magic where apparently walking is a challenge? Mr Gold: Ah, but there is magic in this world. You just have to know where to look. I know you don't trust me. But the good news is, if you follow me, you won't have to. Aren't you tired of feeling ordinary? Cruella: Get in. Now then, darling, where are we going? Mr Gold: A quaint little town called Storybrooke. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Forbidden Fortress - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] Cruella: Now then, this happy ending shenanigan you're promising us, can you really do that? Are you really that powerful? Maleficent: Yeah, he's powerful, but not that powerful. Ursula: No one is. Rumplestiltskin: Love how you underestimate me. Adorable. Cruella: What exactly are you offering, short stuff? Rumplestiltskin: Only the answer to all your prayers. Cruella: I'm not exactly the religious sort. Rumplestiltskin: Shocked. Cruella: Look. I was quite content with my life until I received this summons, and I do not appreciate being dragged around on false promises. Rumplestiltskin: Nothing false about it, dearie. I know exactly what you want, and you, and you. Maleficent: Really? Rumplestiltskin: Really. But don't worry. I'm not one to betray trusts, so your secrets can remain your own. What I will share is what we all have in common... A desire for happiness. A desire to do what villains can never do. To win. And I'm here to show you how, together. Maleficent: Even if we would work together, no spell known to man or woman can do what you're saying. Rumplestiltskin: Of course not, dearie. But we're not looking for a spell. We're looking for a curse. A dark curse. One that, if you help procure it, can get each and every one of you exactly what you want... Your... Happy... Ending. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mr. Cluck's ] [SCENE_BREAK] Cruella: So why should I think this new plan will work when all the others have failed? Mr Gold: Our failures in the past have been for one reason... The odds were stacked against us. Now we're gonna change the odds. Ursula: With this author you keep babbling on about. Mr Gold: His book harnesses a great power, one that exceeds anything you've ever experienced, giving villains and heroes what he deems just desserts. Our collective frustrations? They're because of his will, not our missteps. Cruella: Well, I suppose that's better than blaming bad judgment and gin. Seller: A Welcome to Mr. Cluck's. What can I get you? Cruella: One double Cluck combo. Ursula: Make it two. Cruella: Rumple? Mr Gold: No, thanks. I'd like to survive for my happy ending. Seller: That'll be $14.15. Please pull up to the window. And have a clucky cluck cluck day. Mr Gold: Will you hurry up? I'm fairly certain this author's in Storybrooke. And if we want to enlist his help, we have to get there before the heroes do. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At Regina's office.) Emma: How do you feel about kale salad? Regina: Like someone found someplace other than Granny's for takeout. Emma: I'm fine with her grilled cheese, but I know it gets to you. Regina: You eat like a child. Is that a root beer? Emma: Two. I got you one. Thought you could use a break. Regina: A break from what? Dead end after dead end? This sorcerer... Or author... Whatever he wants to be called... Doesn't want to be found. Emma: It's only been a few weeks. Regina: Exactly, and I've conquered entire realms in less time. Emma: Can you conquer these bottles? I thought they were twist-offs. Regina: Do I look like I can pry them off with my teeth? I'm a queen and a bit more refined. Emma: Yeah, I got that. My mom had a bottle opener here during her brief tenure, somewhere. Regina: Wait! Don't... Emma: What's this? Did you take it from the book? Regina: It's not from the book. Robin found it... Before he left with his family. It appeared to him. Emma: It's not your story. What is it? Regina: Robin thought it was hope, a sign that... Things would work out for me. Turns out it was a cruel joke. Emma: Have you heard from him? Regina: No. (Hook and Belle enter.) Hook: There may be a way to get the fairies out. Belle: Yeah, I, uh, I found an incantation. It's, uh, it's part of a spell in, uh, an ancient tongue I've never seen before. Hook: Which made translation a challenge. Belle: But I did it. I found a perfect of linguistics from Oxford, and he just e-mailed me with the translation. It's an ancient ceremony, but, uh, one that'll bring them back. I, uh, I just need you to enact it. Emma: Ceremony, huh? Well, madame mayor, ready to pronounce today "Free the fairies day"? [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the woods.) Belle: Here. Emma: You got it? Regina: I got it. (Regina frees the fairies.) Mother Superior: Thank you. Emma: You all right? Mother Superior: No. I'll live. But being in there with... Thank you. Emma: Actually, you should thank the mayor. Regina: Welcome back. Mother Superior: Thank you. (A monster escapes from the hat.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bald Mountain - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] Rumplestiltskin: The curse resides here... Bald Mountain. It's protected by a variety of lethal magic obstacles... Obstacles that suit your very specific talents. Blood scarabs. The only thing stronger than their venom is their bloodlust. Cruella, I believe with your powers of persuasion they'll be as harmless as puppy dogs. Cruella: I've got a little job for you, darling. Now run along and tell the others. (The bugs leaves. The door is opened.) Cruella: That's how it's done, darlings. Rumplestiltskin: The dark curse. Fire. Forged from the breath of dragons. Maleficent, I believe this is your area of expertise. (Maleficent sucks the fire.) Maleficent: Next time, maybe something challenging. Rumplestiltskin: And now... Ursula... If you don't mind. (Ursula catches the curse with her claws.) Ursula: This what you're looking for? Rumplestiltskin: Indeed. (The mountain starts to move.) Maleficent: What the hell? Cruella: What is going on? Rumplestiltskin: I'm leaving with my prize. And you? Uh, you're about to die. I forgot to mention there's one more thing guarding the curse. The Chernabog... An ancient demon that feeds on evil. It seeks out the heart with the greatest potential for darkness and devours it. That's why I really needed you three. Adieu. (Rumplestiltskin leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Outside of Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Cruella drives her car.) Mr Gold: Stop the car. (The get of the car.) Mr Gold: We're here. Ursula: What the hell are you talking about? Where is this Storybrooke? Mr Gold: Look, I confess, things aren't quite as I said. Cruella: For a man who's preaching trust, you are getting off on the wrong foot. Mr Gold: But I-if I was completely untrustworthy, would I be telling you the truth now? The... the town line is, uh... 100 yards up that road. Oh. But... It's cloaked by a protection spell. Makes it impossible to see or enter. Ursula: A town you can't see or enter? Mr Gold: But it's the truth. The night I was banished, I-I attached this tie to that tree so I'd be able to find my way home. Ursula: Okay, let's say you are telling the truth. How are we supposed to cross that line without any magic? Cruella: No more encores, Rumple. We're finished with your hazy instructions and your empty promises. Mr Gold: Please put the gun down. You're overreact... Cruella: No more tricks. If we're about to walk into a trap, tell us now, darling, because out here, you're nothing more than a cripple, a coward with a real world ability to die. Mr Gold: Yes, yes. Y-y-you're right. You're right. Cruella: So you say you're banished. Who banished you and why? Ursula: I bet it was his little maid. Is that why we're here? Because of a girl? Mr Gold: I'm here for the same reason you are. My happy ending. And that is the truth. And what that is? Well... That's my business, just like your reasons are yours. All of that we seek is just beyond that line. So please, if you think you can find your way in this town, and... And face all that... That light magic without my help, then be my guest. But if you can just trust me... You won't just get inside Storybrooke, you'll be invited. Ursula: Like the people of Storybrooke are gonna invite us in with you by our side. Mr Gold: Yes, they will, dearie, because I won't be on your side. Cruella: All right. Start talking. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At Granny's Diner.) Emma: Whoa. Beware of lurking pirates. What are you doin'? Hook: Just thinking. Emma: Lurking and brooding. That's a classic combo. I think heroes can do a little bit of bragging and celebrating. Let's go. It's a party. We should... Buckle some swash or, you know, whatever. Hook: I'm hardly a hero. The fairies were only in the hat because I put them there. Emma: You weren't in control of that. That was Gold. Trust me. You have a mark in the hero column. Hook: I hope so. Emma: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] (In the restaurant.) Henry: Go on, mom. Ask. Regina: Excuse me. May I ask you something? Mother Superior: What can I do for you? Regina: Do you know what this is? Mother Superior: Where did you get this? Emma: The sorcerer's mansion. Henry found dozens of these blank books there. Mother Superior: The sorcerer is here? Henry: Well, his house is, but we haven't found him yet. Mother Superior: You're looking for him? Regina: Well, I was hoping he could... Write me a happy ending. But that book seems to have great power. Mother Superior: Oh, it does. Regina: So I thought if he rewrote it... I know it sounds crazy. Mother Superior: It's not crazy at all. But you're looking for the wrong person. Although the sorcerer is a very powerful wizard, you should be looking for the author. Emma: Aren't they the same person? Regina: Why would the sorcerer have the author's books? Mother Superior: That is a quite perplexing question. And I'm afraid I do not know. But I do know that they are two very different people. Regina: So... You know who the author is. Mother Superior: No. But I do know he exists. I mean, if he is a "He." I've never actually seen him. In fact, no one has. Not for many years. Regina: So this is where hope has gotten me? Emma: We'll find him, Regina. It's not like he just vanished. Blue, do you have any idea why he might've disappeared? Mother Superior: Sadly, no. But there are whispers that he left hidden clues in some of his works. You mean, works like Henry's book? (The monster screams.) Emma: What the hell was that? Regina: I suppose we should go out and see what's killing property values this time. [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside Granny's Diner. The monster is on the clock's tower.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bald Mountain - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Maleficent attacks the Chernabog and fails. Maleficent, Cruella and Ursula hide.) Maleficent: There's a crack in the wall. We can make it through it. Cruella: Well, that's easier said than done. It doesn't seem to know which one of us to go after first. Maleficent: Doesn't matter. Once it makes its choice, the other two can make their way to safety. Cruella: So what, we're just playing a game of heart roulette? Maleficent: Once the other two are out of harm's way, they can work together to save the one left behind. Must I figure out everything? Cruella: And we're supposed to just... Trust you? Maleficent: First time for everything. (Cruella, Ursula and Maleficent show up before the monster, it chooses Maleficent.) Maleficent: I knew it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Everybody is running away from the Chernabog. It attacks Regina, Emma, Belle, Mary Margaret and Hook.) Regina: Did that thing come out of the hat?! I thought the spell was only supposed to release the fairies. Mary Maragret: Well, maybe it is some kind of fairy. Emma: Why don't we just put it back in the hat and figure out the rest later? Belle: Because we can't. Once something's freed, it can never be retrapped. Emma: Great. So our best defense against magical beasts follows the same rules as chicken pox? Hook: Surely the savoir and evil queen can defeat a simple hell beast. Regina: Can we drop the "E" word already? (Regina and Emma attack the Chernabog.) Emma: Well, that was easy. Regina: Don't get excited. We only stunned it. And a blast like that should've destroyed it. Emma: I was just getting used to things being relaxing around here. Belle... Belle: I'll see if I can find anything about this thing in the library. Emma: Thanks. And, Mary Margaret Mary Margaret: I'll get everyone to safety. I'm on that. Emma: Wow. You guys really have this down. Hook: Well, this isn't our first monster bash. Regina: Well, now that that's settled, what say you and I figure out a way to clip this bat's wings before it comes back? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Outside of Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] Mr Gold: The number's all cued up. All you have to do is press the "Call" button. Ursula: I know a phone works. I just don't know if I can trust the man whose phone it is. Mr Gold: And why is that? I mean, you have my phone, my entire plan. And tonight, if you decide not to come back for me and stay in Storybrooke and abandon me, I couldn't blame you. That's why this time is different, because this time, my entire salvation depends not on you trusting me, but on me trusting you. Now...Are we in this together? Ursula: I guess you'll find out tonight, won't you? (Ursula calls Regina. She answers in her office.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Regina, who is it? Regina: The sea bitch. Ursula: I've missed you, too. How are you? Regina: Mostly wondering how a plate of undercooked calamari ended up with the Dark One's cell phone. Ursula: I stole it from him. Emma: Regina. Regina: And where is he now? Ursula: If we're lucky, probably passed out at the dive bar where Cruella and I left him. Regina: Cruella? Ursula: Yes, we're back together. Rumple found us in New York, said he needed some old friends. Told us a tearful tale about how he was living in a quaint town until he ruined everything. But he said it was a special place where villains could find redemption. Regina, Rumplestiltskin told us how you've changed, and we've changed, too. We've learned our lessons, and we'd like a chance to prove it to you. Please. Let us in. Regina: Sorry, dear, but... We have enough problems without inviting two... Ursula: Is one of those problems a hell-bat with beady eyes and devil horns? Regina: How did you know that? Ursula: Because that's the exact same sound it made before it tried to kill me. Regina: So you've faced this creature before? Ursula: Yes, and I can tell you exactly what it wants. Regina: How convenient. Emma: They've been living in a land without magic. How could they do it? It's the hat. Regina: I know. Fine. Tell us what it wants. Ursula: And then you'll let us in? Regina: Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. Ursula: Well, then I guess you're on your own. Emma: Wait. The Snow Queen's scroll let her into Storybrooke once. Maybe it'll work for them. Regina: All right, Squid. If your information pans out, we'll consider letting you in. Those are my terms. Ursula: You've got a deal. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bald Mountain - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] Maleficent: You want darkness? I'll give you darkness. (Maleficent attacks the Chernabog while Ursula and Cruella climbs the cliff.) Maleficent: We had a deal, witches! I hope you choke on my bones. (Ursula rescues Maleficent.) Maleficent: Yeah, lovely. Now I'll never get the smell of fish out of this dress. Ursula: You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At Regina's office.) Emma: Regina, I'm not sure it's after you. Regina: Of course it's after me. Ursula said it devours the heart with the darkest potential. And now that Gold's gone, well, who else could that be? I mean, is there a dwarf named evil-y? It's me. Emma: We're not gonna just sacrifice you. Regina: I'm not sure we have much of a choice. Emma: That thing's magical, right? Regina: I would say "magical" is a pretty good guess. Emma: So if it's magic, what happens if it leaves town for a world with no magic? No magic, no beast. So all we have to do is lead it over the town line. Regina: The Chernabog withstood both of our powers combined. Even if I poof myself to the town line, the second I'm out in the open, it'll crush me like a bug. Emma: Not if you've got some help. Trust me. [SCENE_BREAK] (At the loft.) Mary Margaret: What? Okay. Be careful. They found a way to stop the beast. David: Great. Why aren't you smiling? Mary Margaret: Because Cruella and Ursula... Are here. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Regina are in Emma's car. They drive to the boundary.) Regina: What made you choose yellow? Emma: What? Regina: Your bug... Yellow? Bold choice. Emma: I like yellow. I stole it. Is this really the time to question my taste? Regina: Sorry, I'm just trying not to think about being some demon's lunch. Emma: You're not going to be. Regina: I'm glad you're confident. (The Chernabog lands on the car.) Regina: What, is this thing made of tin? Emma: Hang on. We're almost there. Regina: It's too late. I'm not gonna let both of us die in this metal coffin on wheels. Thanks for trying, Miss Swan. Emma: What?! (Regina disappears. The Chernabog stays on the car and attacks Emma.) Emma: Regina! (Regina is on the road.) Regina: Hey! (Emma drives faster and casts the Chernabog on the limit of the town. David and Mary Margaret arrives.) Mary Margaret: Emma! David: Are you all right? Emma: Yes. Mary Margaret: So Cruella and Ursula were telling the truth. Regina: It would appear so. Mary Margaret: No, wait. Emma, I... I think this is a bad idea. Look, they may have told the truth this time. That doesn't mean they can be trusted. Emma: Mom, this doesn't sound like you. You always believe the best in everyone. Mary Margaret: I'm also a realist. David: Emma, she's right. Things were just starting to get back to normal in Storybrooke. Emma: You, too? Mary Margaret: Look, we don't know anything about these two. They could be looking for redemption, but they also could be as evil as Mr. Gold or Zelena or worse. Emma: That could be, but they just helped us, and we made a deal. Mary Margaret: Doesn't matter. It's a bad idea. They're villains. Regina: You're right. They are. They're horrible... But not as horrible as I was once. And if I deserve a second chance, so do they. How can I sit here, looking for my happiness, and deny two others a chance at theirs? Emma: I'm with Regina. We let them in. (Regina casts the scroll to Cruella and Ursula. They enters in Storybrooke.) Regina: Welcome to Storybrooke. Cruella: Thank you, Regina. You won't regret it. Regina: I better not. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold waits for Cruella and Ursula. He decides to leave then they cast the scroll through the wall. Mr Gold takes it.) Cruella: We're back, darling. Ursula: You didn't think we abandoned you, did you, Dark One? Mr Gold: Of course not. We're a team. (He crosses the border.) Cruella: Nice duds. Now what do we do? Mr Gold: Now we begin our task. [SCENE_BREAK] (In Storybrooks's streets.) Mr Gold: It's simple, really. Continue to repent your wicked ways. Make friends. Build relationships. Cruella: And just what will you be doing? Mr Gold: I'll continue my work behind the scenes, of course. Ursula: Sounds like we're doing everything, again. Mr Gold: How do you think we got in here? And how do you think that Chernabog was released? It was me. I'm the Oxford professor who translated the spell for Belle, the spell that released the fairies and also happened to unleash that monstrosity. So I ask you consider what I was able to do on the outside, at my lowest point, without magic. And then consider what I'm able to do in here. So maybe we should stop bickering and get on with it. So our team is one member short. It's time to reunite the band. Cruella: Y-you don't mean... Ursula: Maleficent. Cruella: But she's dead. Mr Gold: Not entirely. Cruella: Well, just what does that mean? Mr Gold: It means we have our work cut out, much to prepare. Ursula: I don't like it. Dead or alive, we got a bigger problem... Regina. Mr Gold: And what makes you say that? Ursula: That beast was unable to defeat her. As bad as Maleficent is, Regina's dark heart is far worse. Mr Gold: You are so filled with assumptions. Regina is not the one we have to worry about. Ursula: What? Mr Gold: That beast did seek out the heart with the greatest potential for darkness, yes, but it was wasn't going after Regina. It was after Emma Swan. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Granny's Diner.) Hook: What do you suppose the boy is up to now? Emma: Being Henry. If anyone's gonna get that author out of the book, it's him. Hook: You've become quite the optimist, Swan. Emma: Have I? Guess I... Couldn't really help it, between him and my parents. Hook: That reminds me. Aren't they supposed to be here? Emma: You're right. I wonder what's keeping them. [SCENE_BREAK] (On the road, into the woods. Mary Margaret and David meet Cruella and Ursula.) Cruella: Well, well, well. Look who's here. It's been a long time. David: We gotta talk. Cruella: Oh, so the prince wants a chat? Okay, handsome. Talk. Mary Margaret: This is our town. If you've really turned over a new leaf, you're welcome to stay. Ursula: My, aren't we generous? Mary Margaret: On one condition. No one must ever know what happened between us in the Enchanted Forest. And if you say one single word to anyone, especially Emma, well, you won't have to worry about the Evil Queen. I'll rip out your hearts myself.

In the past of the Enchanted Forest, before the first curse, Snow White and Prince Charming are asked by the Queens of Darkness to find the Tree of Wisdom, for answers on stopping the Evil Queen's Curse. Maleficent later reveals to Snow White that she will also be a mother as well, and asks for help in stopping the Curse to protect both of their children. But she refuses to help a villain. In present-day Storybrooke, Emma is unaware that Mary Margaret, David, and Hook are keeping secrets from her. Cruella, Ursula, and Gold bring Maleficent back to life, whose return could wreck Emma's relationship with her parents, while Hook's past with Ursula could affect his relationship with Emma. Regina attempts to find out if Pinocchio (when he was August Booth) knew about the Author, but a riff prompts Marco to keep him away from Regina; She later apologizes to Marco, who then gives her a bag that may hold the answer to the Author's whereabouts. Gold appears in Storybrooke undetected, and is stunned to see Belle and Will kiss. Mary Margaret tells Regina a secret they can't tell Emma: she was born with a potential for Darkness, and her parents caused the "death" of Maleficent's baby.

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_02x11

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_02x11_0

Inside Degrassi, at Terri's locker Terri: Maybe I should bring haggis for International Day. Hazel: Isn't that made from stomach or liver or something even grosser? Terri: Yeah, but it's my Scottish heritage. Paige: Terri you are under arrest for wearing last year's jeans. Fashion crime! (Paige gives her a fashion ticket.) Hazel: Well I know someone who could use a ticket herself. Paige: Me? A fashion criminal? Hazel: Yeah for starting the school year with a mullet, but you guys want a real fashion crime? (Fareeza walks by wearing a hijab.) Terri: Do you think they're maybe bald under there? Ashley: Do you think maybe you're just a bit ignorant?! Hazel: You're under arrest. Crime: terrorist-chic. Fareeza: Very funny Hazel. (Hazel stands in front of Fareeza until she takes the fashion ticket. Fareeza crumples up the paper and throws it on the ground.) Paige: Woah. Okay Haz, when I'm offended you know you've really gone too far. Hazel: Well dressed like that what do you expect, right? In Media Immersion, Spinner and Jimmy are playing hacky sack Mr. Simpson: (Grabs the hacky sack away from them) Woah. Thank you, it's not even my birthday. Spinner: Yeah. Sir, can I have that...? Later. Mr. Simpson: First up a reminder that tomorrow is Grade 9 International Day. So I expect to be dazzled by each and every one of your displays. Spinner: What if you don't have a culture? Mr. Simpson: Gavin we've been through this. Everyone has a culture so bring food, dress up, do a play. Hazel: And what if we do nothing? Mr. Simpson: Nothing? Thought you would have been into this Hazel, but if not...class participation is 10% of your mark. Okay attendance. (He starts taking attendance.) Paige: Haven't you started yet? Oh well if you haven't, maybe I could help you finish it tonight. As in me coming over to your place, finally. Hazel: Sure. Maybe. Paige: Hun the complete lack of invite chez vous, paranoia inducing. Are we best friends or not? Hazel: What do you think? Mr. Simpson: Michalchuk? (Paige looks up.) Mr. Simpson: I know you're here. Talking to Hazel as always. In sewing class Liberty: I suck. JT: Yeah, you might be right about that. Liberty: That's your hand sewing project? It's perfect. JT: Yeah. I guess it's not bad. Toby: I'd rather stick sewing needles in my eyes than do another project. Liberty: Morton's assigning more today. Toby: Yeah and they're based on how well we did these. Sean: I don't even care. This stuff is for girls. Liberty: And not even true! Just look at JT. JT: Why Liberty. I'm horrible. Sean: Doesn't look like it Gay-T. JT: Uh yeah. No, no that's not mine. This is mine. (He takes Liberty's pillow and shows it to Sean.) Sean: You win man. That's the worst. Mr. Morton: Please have your projects ready. Ms. Santos. It's very nice. JT: Here take it, pretend it's not mine. Mr. Morton: Ms. Van Zandt? Absolutely incredible work. Wonderful. Liberty: Uh thank you sir. Mr. Morton: Mr. Yorke. (JT gives it to him.) Mr. Morton: Perhaps we should send you back to geometry to find out what a square looks like. In the hallway Spinner: Last night I asked my mom what my culture was. She pointed to the globe and said I was from Earth. Paige: It's good to know. I had my doubts. (Spinner pretends to laugh loudly as him and Jimmy walk by.) Paige: Okay I don't know why you are so against International Day. Hazel: Because we're people. Why do we need labels? Paige: I am wearing full Ukrainian down to my chabote and am I complaining? Of course I did make a little update. Hazel: You're an inspiration. Really. Paige: Please! All you have to wear is some cutoff shorts and bring in like roti or jerk-chicken. Hazel: I eat jerk-chicken all the time, but why would I bring it? Paige: Well it's Jamaican, isn't it? Hazel: Jerk-chicken? Totally. Paige: And you're Jamaican aren't you? Hazel: Right. Jamaican mon! Mr. Raditch: (On the PA System) A reminder to grade nine students that tomorrow is International Day. Outside the school Liberty: JT! You have to help me. Do you see the project I just got assigned? JT: Yeah the skirt thingy. Eh piece of cake. Liberty: A whole skirt, on a machine?! JT: You can do it Liberty. Liberty: Oh right. You saw what Morton thought of the pillow I did, aka your project! You got a D. Well I got a D, but you claimed the D. JT: Look Liberty, I don't care okay and you'll be fine. Liberty: Probably sew my finger off. JT: Not my problem. Liberty: Don't make me tell the guys you're the next Martha Stewart! JT: You're kidding. You wouldn't. Liberty: Try me. JT: Fine I'll do it, but if you tell anyone I'll sew your finger off. Liberty: Thanks. Now I was thinking a slit up the side might be cute you know, have a really nice plaid fabric there... At the Crescent Moon Caribbean restaurant Wayne: Welcome sweetness! Hazel: Hey Wayne! Wayne: Here for your usual curried goat? Hazel: No. For school. I want to give my class a taste of the real Jamaica. Wayne: Go for the gold. You love it. Hazel: I do, but I'm not sure they will. Wayne: Ah how's about some jerk-chicken? That's pretty safe. Hazel: Perfect. How much for like 50 people? Just to give them a taste. Wayne: Tell you what, since you're such a good customer I'll give you a break. Hazel: Wow. Thanks. Wayne: What's this for? Hazel: Um I'm doing a project on Jamaica. Thought I'd go for the extra points. Wayne: But you're not from there. Hazel: I know. It's for geography. I've always liked Jamaica. Hope to visit some day. (He hands her a Jamaican poster.) Wayne: Food and decorations. I see an A+ in your future. Inside the school during International Day Spinner: This is the Gavin Mason little slice of pride. Russian sausage, polish sausage, and German sausage. Mr. Simpson: It's certainly a creative look at your heritage. What are the white chunks? Spinner: Oh those are Chinese water chestnuts, in honour of my sister. Mr. Simpson: How long did you cook this for? Spinner: I don't know. Five minutes. Why? (He spits it out and Jimmy laughs.) Mr. Raditch: Ms. Michalchuk, I have to compliment you on your Ukrainian outfit. Don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it. Paige: Well I had to make some modifications just to bring it up to date. Mr. Raditch: Oh it's definitely up to date. Paige: Thank you sir! Pierogi? Mr. Simpson: This is excellent jerk-chicken Hazel. Hazel: It's my mother's recipe. Mr. Simpson: You know I live by the Crescent Moon Caribbean restaurant. She'd give those guys a run for their money. Hazel: Thanks. My mom is from Jamaica so you know, they all kind of learned in the same place. Mr. Simpson: Yeah mon! Hazel: Yeah. (Hazel and Fareeza glare at each other.) Mr. Raditch: Citizens of the world, that's lunch. Be back in 45 minutes. We'll begin the presentations then. Outside the school Fareeza: Hazel Aden. So you're Jamaican? Hazel: What was your first clue? Fareeza: Just Aden, not really a common name...maybe in Somalia. Hazel: Really and what's your last name? Oh right! I don't care. Fareeza: Funny thing is you sort of look Somalian too. Hazel: Really? Well, why don't you mind your own business Fareeza before Jamaica declares war on Iraq. [SCENE_BREAK] In the sewing room JT: Anybody out there? Liberty: Not a soul! JT: Good. Can you cut me a 6 centimeter strip of that stuff please? (Liberty starts cutting the fabric.) JT: No! No, no, no, no! Stop. Stop. Look, just snip and rip. Liberty: You never stop surprising me JT. You're normally such, how do I put this nicely, a slob! JT: Oh thanks. First you blackmail me into sewing and then you insult me. Liberty: I'm not insulting you. I'm impressed. You must like it. JT: I don't like it Liberty. My mom's a seamstress. I guess I just grew up doing it. Liberty: Like mother, like son. JT: You see it's that kind of comment that makes me want to pretend I'm not good at it. Liberty: Why are guys so weird about this? JT: I don't know. We just are. Look no more questions, okay? I'm trying to concentrate. Seam ripper. In the hallway Jimmy: Spin I can't believe you finished two Sheila specials. Paige: Yeah after devouring the rest of the world before lunch. Spinner: I was just demonstrating my appreciation for Degrassi's culinary culture. (They all stop suddenly.) Spinner: Woah. (Fareeza's display has been destroyed and spray painted.) In Mr. Simpson's class (Fareeza and Mr. Raditch are talking to the police outside the class.= Mr. Simpson: A hate crime has been committed here. By who we don't know, but we're gonna find out. Until then International Day is on hold. All classes are on hold too. Terri: But none of us did it. Mr. Simpson: Are you sure? Terri: Yeah. None of us are like that. Ashley: So Ter you didn't make fun of Fareeza's clothing the other day? And what about you Hazel? Mr. Simpson: Ashley I know you're upset. Ashley: Just because Fareeza's from Iraq doesn't make her a terrorist. Spinner: Ash people are scared. I mean, what do you expect? Jimmy: Spin you can't be serious. Mr. Simpson: You want to explain Jimmy? Jimmy: My neighbor had his bank account frozen three times just because his name is Osama. Is that fair? Terri: Of course not, but what does that have to do with Fareeza's display getting trashed? In Ms. Kwan's class Sean: It's just some kid trying to get attention. Toby: Come on Sean! It's hate. Ms. Kwan: Hate's an interesting word. Toby: It's like Hitler. He hated Jews. Both my great grandparents died in the holocaust. In Mr. Armstrong's class Kendra: My parents, they're white. I'm Chinese. We're still a great family. I'm living proof that race doesn't matter. Mr. Armstrong: Interesting. In the media immersion class Jimmy: No matter what we say in class, it doesn't change anything. Ashley: Nice attitude. Spinner: Okay I don't want to be all racist, but I don't exactly want to get blown out of the sky by some terrorists either. (Mr. Raditch walks in.) Mr. Raditch: I need to see Hazel in my office. Mr. Simpson: Hazel could you come here? Terri: What's going on? Paige: I don't know. In Mr. Raditch's office Hazel: But I spent the entire lunch with Paige and Jimmy. Mr. Raditch: And your threat about Jamaica declaring war on Iraq? Hazel: It was a joke. Mr. Raditch: Really? It wasn't funny. (Hazel glares at Fareeza.) M. Raditch: Don't blame being here on Fareeza. I wanted to know everything that went on and everything pointed toward you. Hazel: Okay I'll admit, Fareeza is not my favourite person, but I would never do that to her display. (His phone rings.) Mr. Raditch: (On the phone) Yes. You do? Tell the police I'll be right there. (He hangs up.) Mr. Raditch: The police have caught the culprits it seems. Fareeza: Who are they? Mr. Raditch: Two boys in grade 10. Hazel: So can I go now? Mr. Raditch: What happened to Fareeza's display was a large example of racism, but smaller things, like words, it's where this stuff starts...like your fashion crime ticket, accusing Fareeza of being a terrorist. Mr. Raditch: I'd like to apologize to you on behalf of the school and invite you to recreate your display in the foyer. Fareeza: Thank you. In the hallway Emma: I still can't believe that could happen at Degrassi. JT: I'm just surprised Fareeza did a display on Iraq at all. Emma: Why? JT: I mean it's not going to be too popular. Toby: So what's she supposed to do? Hide who she really is? Liberty: JT... JT: Look Liberty I know what you're going to say, okay? So don't. Liberty: You heard them. It's wrong to hide. It's a natural talent JT. You should be proud. In sewing class Manny: That skirt is so cute. Emma: You honestly made that Liberty? Liberty: Of course. JT: Did you bring it? Liberty: I feel terrible about this. JT: I know, but it's my choice. Mr. Morton: Okay time to look at your work. Let's start with Mr. Yorke who gave us such an entertaining piece of art last time. (JT gives him Liberty's pillow.) Mr. Morton: It's improved. You'll never be a tailor, but you will pass the course. JT: Thank you sir. Mr. Morton: Now Ms. Van Zandt I'd been waiting all day. Your work please. (Liberty stands up and shows him the skirt.) Mr. Morton: Look at the drapery. Perfectly flat stitching. It's remarkable. Absolutely remarkable. You have a real gift, a true talent, a sewing genius. Liberty: JT sewed this! He's the genius. Mr. Morton: What? JT: What? She's lying. Liberty: He's lying. I'm all thumbs sir. Compare my blood to that on the pillow if need be. Forensics sir. Mr. Morton: JT, Liberty we'll sort this mess out after class, shall we? Sean: JT's a seamstress. Toby: Could you make me a matching blouse, Mr. Fashion Designer? In the hallway, Fareeza is putting her display back together Fareeza: You don't have to help me. Hazel: Don't you think I should? Fareeza: No and I'd prefer if you didn't. Hazel: Fareeza I know how hard it is to be Muslim, especially now. Fareeza: How? You're Jamaican remember? Hazel: My name Aden? You said before it sounded Somalian. My name sounds Somalian because it is. That's what I am. Fareeza: I know. Hazel: At my last school something happened to me. I got, I got cornered by these girls. One of them held me. The other hit me. Called me a terrorist. Fareeza: And you sure learned from them. At JT's locker Toby: Oh Mr. Stitchery. Sean: You want to make me a nice apron? JT: Go ahead laugh it up. Really funny. Emma: Um JT we were wondering if- JT: Yes Emma. Give your best shot. Come on. Manny: We were wondering if you would make us skirts like Liberty's. Emma: We'd be happy to pay you. Toby: You're serious? Emma: Liberty's skirt was really great. Manny: I couldn't believe it. Who knew our own JT had so much talent? JT: Ladies I'll be happy to oblige, but I will have to measure you. Manny: Me first. (JT takes a measuring tape and starts measuring Manny.) JT: How about $35 each or two for $60? In media immersion class Mr. Simpson: Guys. Settle. We're gonna start today a little differently. Hazel has something she wants to show us. Hazel: I lied to you all yesterday. Some of you I've been lying to longer than that. So let me introduce myself. My name is Hazel Aden and I was born in Mogadishu, Somalia. Not Jamaica and yes I'm a Muslin. These are my parents. My mom came here first with me to flee a civil war. My dad who was fighting in the war came later. Terri: Fareeza wears that headscarf thing. How come you don't? Hazel: It's a hijab and I do when I go to mosque, but to take it on full time it's a personal and important decision. Anyway I'm sorry I lied. Unlike you guys I was ashamed of who I am, but not anymore. (They begin clapping for her.)

Hazel is the prime suspect when a Muslim girl she taunts is discriminated against on International Day, which forces her to come to terms with her own insecurities. Liberty and J.T. switch sewing projects in home economics to avoid embarrassment.

fd_Frasier_03x05

fd_Frasier_03x05_0

Act One. Scene One - Radio Station. Frasier is nearing the end of his show when he gets another caller. Frasier: Roz, who's our last caller? Roz: On line two we have Marilyn. She's feeling a little homesick. Frasier: Go ahead, Marilyn. Marilyn: [v.o:] Well, I like living in Seattle but, I don't know, I grew up in this little town in Wisconsin and I really miss that life. Roz looks excited, and signals to Frasier to let her talk to Marilyn. Frasier: Well, you're not the only one. My producer Roz has regaled me with many stories of the great Dairy State. Marilyn: You're from Wisconsin, Roz? What part? Roz: Bloomer. Marilyn: Oh my God, I'm from Monomeney. Roz: No way! You're from Menomonie? My cousins are from Menomonie, do you know the Rayburns? By this time Frasier is getting a bit irritated, however he plays along. Marilyn: [v.o:] Billy Rayburn is your cousin? I used to work with him at Bell's Frozen Custard! Frasier: [bored:] Of course she did. Roz: Do you remember that guy that used the run the store, with all the moles? Marilyn: [with Roz] Mr. Sneedy. Frasier: Ladies, as fascinating as this is, I'm afraid we're out of time. Marilyn: [with Roz:] Oh! Roz: That's okay, Marilyn, you can call back tomorrow. Frasier: Make sure you all tune in tomorrow for Part 2 in our series, "Women of the Cheese Belt." Goodbye for now, and good mental health. As Frasier signs off, Roz enters his booth with some notes. Roz: These messages came for you earlier, your wines are ready. Frasier: Oh, excellent. I'm hosting a tasting tonight for the wine club Niles and I belong to. I'm hoping they name me the Maitre d'Chai. It's a long-standing dream of mine to wear that silver cup around my neck. Roz: You know, back in Wisconsin if a guy wore a cup around his neck it meant he'd ticked off the gym teacher. Frasier: Fine! Make sport, but this does happen to be important to me. Roz: Since when? You used to say that club was nothing but a bunch of arrogant cork-sniffing snobs. Frasier: Well, that was before I got in. Roz: Well, when I'm handing out baloney sandwiches this weekend at the homeless shelter, it will do me heart good to know that a bunch of wealthy men are swishing two-hundred-dollar bottles of wine and spitting it into silver buckets! Frasier: [upset:] It's not like we don't recycle the bottles. [SCENE_BREAK] SIP, SWISH, SPIT Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. That evening Niles and Frasier are practising for their wine tasting evening. Frasier is wearing his blindfold as he smells and sips a wine. Niles holds a silver bucket. Frasier eventually spits it out, however he misses and Niles is forced to wipe it up with his tissue. Frasier: Big, full-bodied, nicely baked. Essence of truffles, long finish - Chambertin 76'. Niles: Bravo, Frasier. If only your aim were as accurate. Daphne: [who is cleaning up:] How is it those same taste buds can't tell the difference between my pot roast and my flank steak? Frasier: Well, considering you learned to cook in England, it's a wonder I can't tell your flank steak from a braised tennis ball. Niles: Now, now, let's move on to the number seven. Frasier: [smells another glass:] Ah, touch of oak. Hint of currant. Whisper of.... Martin enters with Eddie on a leash, however Frasier carries on. Frasier: [smelling:] ...what is that, what is that? Oh yes, wet dog! [takes blindfold off and looks at Martin] Martin: You guys still playing that stupid game? Frasier: Dad, wine tasting is not a stupid game - it's a highly refined skill. Martin: Yeah, I just saw a couple of guys on the corner practising out of paper bags. Niles: We're hardly winos. Some very distinguished people belong to our club: the mayor, the commissioner of public safety, the chief of surgery at St. Lukes... Daphne: Oh, just the people I want walking around all liquored up. Could you find room for a school bus driver and a couple of air traffic controllers? Frasier: Well, we would if they had impeccable taste. Which reminds me dad, I have a favour to beg. Would you mind if I moved your chair into your room until after the tasting? Martin: Forget it, you might as well ask me to stay in my room. Niles: Which takes care of the second favour. Martin: Oh, all right, move it. At least I don't have to spend the night watching your society pals getting tanked. Frasier goes to pick it up. Frasier: Okay, Niles, grab an end. Niles: [laughs, then:] Oh, you're serious. You know I don't lift. Frasier: Yes, with that stick where it is I'm surprised you can bend. Start hoisting, come on. Niles does this and the two, with much effort and much ad-libbing, manage to carry it upstage. Of course Frasier is holding his end up higher than Niles's. Frasier remarks it weighs a ton. It is not long before Niles wants to put it down. However, Frasier tells him not to. Yet after much quarrelling he drops it right on the upstage flooring. Frasier: Look what you've done! Martin: [worried:] You better be talking about the floor. Frasier: Oh, of course I'm talking about the floor... Martin: Oh, for Pete's sake, it's just a little scratch. Get me a yellow magic marker. I'll color it in, no one'll know the difference. Frasier: Dad, you have no idea how critical these people can be: they love finding fault. Daphne: We could put a rug over it. Frasier: A rug? Where a rug doesn't belong? Why don't you just throw down a Twister mat, have a few rounds between vintages?! Niles: Steady Frasier, there's still hope. I'll bring my contractor by in the morning. The man's a genius. Martin: You know, it's time you guys learned, everything doesn't have to be perfect. Frasier: Yes, it's that kind of advice that leads to shag carpeting! Frasier holds his head in his hands as we FADE OUT. Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. The next morning Frasier and Martin are at the table reading the paper. They have both just got up. Daphne enters from her bedroom in a robe. Frasier: Ah, good morning Daphne - extra pancakes for me this morning! I'm famished! Daphne: Yes, well you should have thought about that last night before you started making cracks about English cooking. I have hung up my spatula. [exits to kitchen] Martin: Well, you moved my chair, you cut off my pancake supply; why don't you just back out over Eddie on your way to work and make it a hat trick? [doorbell sounds] Frasier: And a hat trick would be? Martin: It's in hockey where one player... Frasier: Enough said, thank you. Frasier goes to answer the door. Niles is standing there with a seemingly strong and good-looking man. Niles: Good morning, Frasier. I'm delivering one miracle worker as promised. Joe DeCarlo, Frasier Crane. Frasier: Pleasure. Niles: And my father, Martin Crane. Martin: Hi, Joe. Joe: Where's the scratch? Martin: Oh, you mean you didn't see it? We were going to put some orange cones around it so nobody would fall in it! Frasier and Niles take Joe upstage. He feels the scratch. Frasier: It's right here. Joe: I can get rid of that. Frasier: It has to be done by five. My guests arrive at seven, so it has to be a firm five. Not a five-fifteen or a five-thirty. Joe: I'll be done by noon. Frasier: Splendid. Niles: I told you he was good. We're talking about a man who has satisfied Maris. Something that's still regrettably on my to-do list! Daphne: Coffee's ready. [enters with coffee, to Frasier:] Of course, I'm sure it'll taste like my old bath water to you. You know, how it gets all grey and scummy around the edges with little flecks of... [notices Joe:] oh, hello. Joe: Hi. Daphne: [notices him properly; saucily:] Hello. Daphne and Joe stare each other with longing as Niles tries to stop it. Niles: I'd love some coffee, Daphne. [pause] Hmm, Daphne? Martin: Er, Daph', this is Joe DeCarlo. Joe, this is Daphne - she helps me out around here. Joe: Smells great. Columbian? Daphne: [laughs:] No, English. [realises:] The coffee - Costa Rican. Would you like a cup? Joe: Thanks. Daphne: I'll be right back. [whispers to Martin:] He's adorable, talk me up. Martin: A plate of pancakes. Daphne: Deal. [exits to kitchen] Martin: You know, Joe, Daphne's a great gal. You know, she doesn't always go round in that ratty old bathrobe. She cleans up real cute. Joe: You don't have to convince me. Niles: You know, I think dad's right - you don't need to fix that scratch, it adds character. [takes him aside:] Come, Joe. Frasier: Niles, forget it! Daphne: [enters from kitchen:] Honeybun? Joe: [as if it was a pet name:] Yes. Daphne: [laughs] Hee hee, I meant would you like one of these with your coffee? [holds up a honeybun] Joe: Oh, I'd love one. Daphne: Anything...? Joe: No. [then:] Sugar? Daphne: [as if it was a pet name:] Yes. Joe: I meant in the coffee. Daphne laughs, then exits back to the kitchen. Niles: You know, Maris is quite keen on gutting my library to make more space for her hats. Why don't you come home with me and you can send one of your men over to do this little job. Bruce would be good - the large sweaty gentleman with the chili dogs on his breath. Frasier: Niles, Joe is here already and we do have a deadline. Niles: But, don't you think it would be prudent... Frasier: Niles, it's settled. Joe: That's great, because I'm kinda anxious to get at her. [goes upstage] Niles: [angry:] I'll just bet he is, the testosterone is just dripping... Frasier: Niles, Niles, he's talking about the scratch. Niles: [angry still:] I knew that! Only I know that! I mean, watch him! Niles exits out the front door as we FADE OUT. Scene Four - Elevator In Frasier's Building. Later that day Frasier is going up in the elevator with two workmen. He is curious and so begins to chat. Frasier: Someone remodelling? Electrician: No, bad wiring in one of the condos. Frasier: Ah, well I hope you won't be here this evening. I'm entertaining some very important guests and you know how sound travels in this building. Painter: Ah, can't make any promises. We're here as long as this poor sap is willing to pay us. [laughs] RESET TO: Hallway Outside Frasier's Apartment. They both get off on the same floor. Frasier goes to put his key in the lock and notices the electrician and painter are standing behind him ready to enter his apartment. RESET TO: Frasier's Apartment. Frasier enters his apartment to find sawing and drilling around his fireplace. There are a few cloth sheets on the floor and a hole in the wall. Frasier: What is happening? Joe: Hold on, guys. [they all stop:] Er, sorry about this, Dr. Crane, but I plugged in the sander to start on the floor, you blew a circuit. Frasier: So naturally you're sawing a hole into my wall. Joe: The circuit blew - it started a fire. You've got some real bad wiring in here. Frasier: But how long? [they start again] Joe: A couple of hours. Frasier: "A couple" is vague. That would mean the big hand would be on the twelve and the little hand would be...? Joe: On the four. Frasier: On the four? Oh, the four is okay, fine. Martin: You know the fire, Eddie smelled it first. [exits to room] Frasier: Oh, well he's a regular canary in a coal mine, isn't he! Niles: [enters from front door with a case:] My God, what's going on? Frasier: Don't ask, Niles. [notices case:] Oh, I see you've got the Romani Containe. Niles: Yes, but unfortunately they only had the one bottle. Frasier: That's funny, the importer told me he had two. Niles: Really? [nervous:] How strange. Frasier: You know, if I didn't know you better I would swear you had squirreled one away for yourself. But then we both know that you must be telling the truth, because you're such a slave to your ethics that even the slightest transgression would cause your nose to bleed. Niles: Which it isn't! [sniffs up] Frasier: You just sniffed. Niles: I didn't sniff, it was a snort of contempt. [sniffs again] Frasier: A snort is out, that was in. Niles: [takes a tissue and holds it to his nose:] Oh, alright - the other bottle's in the car in my bowling bag. Frasier: Thank you. [curious:] You have a bowling bag? Niles: Yes. Maris and I have taken to giving each other gag gifts. I gave her a cook book. Daphne enters from the kitchen with a drink and rushes over to Joe. Daphne: Oh, yoohoo. I noticed how your shirt was [knees turning to jelly:] clinging to your back and... I thought a nice cup of iced tea might hit the spot. Joe: Thanks, Daph'. Joe takes the drink from him. At that moment they both shudder. Daphne laughs. Daphne: Ho-ho, I got a spark. Joe: Me, too. Niles: [jealous:] That's just static electricity from the carpet - it can happen to anyone. I'll show you. Niles shuffles backwards along the carpet, then shuffles forward and pokes Frasier in the stomach, without result. He shuffles further back, then shuffles forward and pokes Frasier again, without result. Digging his heels in hard, he shuffles back even further, then shuffles forward and- Frasier: STOP POKING ME! Daphne: [picking up bags:] Should I put these little fingery foods for tonight in the fridge? Frasier: Oh, yes please - the Brie is sweating up a storm. Joe: Let me help you with those. Niles: No Daphne, let me help you. Daphne picks them up and begins to hand a drink to Bruce. However, Niles takes the drink and gives it to Bruce. He feels a spark. Niles: Spark! Spark! Niles follows Daphne into the kitchen as Frasier announces to his workmen: Frasier: I will be back after work at five-thirty - I hope I have your word that my apartment will be perfect for then. Joe: Okay. Frasier: Alright, think think before you answer. This is not like marriage vows, or a promise to a dying parent. This really, really counts. Joe: You have my word. Frasier: Thank you. Bruce: God, I'm sweating like a pig. I've got to air myself out. [to Frasier:] Hey, hold the elevator, will ya? Frasier: I'm sorry, I need this nose tonight, thank you. Frasier exits out the front door. Meanwhile, Niles and Daphne are busy in the kitchen putting the foods away. Niles: You don't have to keep feeding these men. Actually, Maris finds they work faster if you keep them hungry. Daphne: Hee hee, I don't mind. Of course, I probably don't cook as well as their wives or girlfriends. That is, if they all have girlfriends. I'm sure Joe's probably mentioned some girl to you. Niles: [honestly:] No. Daphne: Really? Niles: [worried:] That is... not any one girl. Not old "love'em and leave'em" Joe. From what I've heard, he's wrecked more homes than he's fixed. Mimsie Stanshope has him over all the time, and I don't just mean to strip her entryway. Daphne: [disappointed] Oh, I see. Niles: I'm sorry, Daphne. Daphne: No, it's better I should know now before I get my hopes up. Thank you for being honest with me. Daphne exits as Niles pulls out of the fridge. He stands for ages against the fridge holding a tissue to his nose to stop it bleeding. End Of Act One. (Time: 12:20) [SCENE_BREAK] Act Two. THE CLOT THICKENS Scene One - Hallway Outside Frasier's Apartment. It's half past five when Frasier gets off the lift and realises there is no sound. It is as if all the workers have gone home. However, just as he puts the key in the door he hears all the commotion. Frasier enters his apartment only to hit the door on his mantle piece, which has been taken off the fireplace and stuck near the door. Now, all the furniture has been either covered by dust sheets or moved to other corners of the room. There is a vast amount of dust soaring through the apartment and there is a scaffolding around the fire on which a man stands. Also, even more people are scurrying around in the room including Joe and Bruce. Martin and Eddie are sat at the table. Frasier: [conspicuous:] Joe... Joe: Dr. Crane, don't panic, I can explain everything. Frasier: Wonderful. Perhaps you can explain [points to man on scaffolding:] these legs. Joe: That's Cecil. He's the best ceiling guy in Seattle. We were lucky to get him. When we opened up the wall to get to the faulty wiring, we found that the gas pipes leading to your fireplace were cracked. Had to be fixed. Frasier: Tonight? Martin: I OK'd it. It just seemed wiser to do it before the explosion. Martin gives a smug smile as Niles tries to enter. However, he bangs against the mantlepiece. Niles: Frasier, the club members arrive in forty-five minutes. Have you lost your... [notices legs and waves upwards:] Cecil! Frasier: Niles, don't yell at me. If you were able to lift anything heavier than an emory board we wouldn't be in this position. Martin: Maybe next time you'll listen to your old man. Frasier: Thank you, dad. You know, I was just considering whether I should go shave or slit my wrists. You made my choice a little easier. Joe: Don't worry, we are gonna make it. Only... about that shaving. We had to shut the water off to replace a valve. Frasier: Oh, well, that explosion idea's sounding better and better. [phone rings:] Could someone at least move that mantle piece away from the door! [answers phone:] Hello? [can't hear him:] Just hold on, will you? Frasier moves over to upstage to take the call as Martin talks to Joe. Martin: Hey Joe, you know you're going to be through by seven? It gives you plenty of time for [points at Daphne who has now entered:] a dinner and a movie. Joe goes over to ask Daphne out. However, the noise is so intense neither we or Daphne can hear him. Daphne keeps asking what he said and she eventually lip-reads his question. She answers, however now he nor we can hear her. Joe asks everyone to quiet down and all of a sudden the following erupts: Daphne: I said I don't want to go out with you! Joe: [embarrassed, turns to colleagues:] Whatcha looking at? Get back to work! [to Martin:] Thanks a lot! Martin: [turns to Niles:] Why would she do that? She's crazy about him! Niles however is stood looking up at the ceiling. You can tell that he is trying to hold the blood in his nose. Martin realises this. Martin: Niles, is your nose bleeding? Niles: No, no, I was just admiring Cecil's handiwork. Niles exits to the powder room as Frasier puts the phone back on the recieving and tells Martin who it was. Frasier: That was the mayor on the phone. Apparently his wife can't make it tonight so he has invited [mad:] Senator Adler! Can anything else possibly go wrong? Martin: Take a look at that. [points to floor] Frasier: Oh, dear God. Is that blood on my floor? [walks along a trail:] And another drop. He crosses to the powder room and opens the door. We see Niles sitting on the toilet holding a tissue back on his nose. Frasier: Niles! RESET TO: Powder Room The scene continues as Frasier enters the powder room and closes the door behind him. Along with Martin, Frasier now realizes the cause of Daphne's behavior, and is clearly intolerant of any excuses Niles plans to make. Frasier: Well? Niles: Is it terribly wrong to mislead someone even if it is for his or her own good? Frasier: What did you tell Daphne? Niles: I made up a story that Joe seduces all the women he works for so she wouldn't go out with him. Frasier: [angry, yet calm:] Oh Niles, how could you be so selfish? Niles: I didn't do it for me, I did it for her. She deserves a doctor, or a lawyer - someone for whom a T-shirt is an undergarment. Frasier: Look, I don't know what sort of twisted fantasy you've concocted about you and Daphne. I suppose it involves a comet hitting the earth and you and she having to rebuild the species! But trust me, Niles, it is not going to happen. She needs a man - one who can do more for her than just smell her hair. [N.B. This speech was originally written by Joe Keenan for Scene Two of [2.3], "The Matchmaker," but was used here instead.] Frasier: [opens door and calls:] Daphne! Niles: What are you going to do? Frasier: You are going to fix this. Niles: What am I going to tell her? Frasier: Tell her the truth. Only the truth shall make you clot. Daphne: [enters:] Yes, Dr. Crane? Frasier: Yes Daphne, er, Niles has something he wishes to discuss with you. Frasier exits and closes the door behind him. Daphne: What is it, Dr. Crane? [points at tie:] Oh look, you have a spot on your tie. Niles explains to Daphne whilst she mops up the blood that has fallen to his tie. Niles: Well, earlier, what I said about Joe - I made a mistake. He doesn't sleep around, he hasn't wrecked any homes, and the business about Mimsie Stanshope... Bruce: [enters:] Oh sorry, is there a john around here to air out my paddle? Niles: You can use the master bedroom. [to Daphne:] Joe never worked for Mimsie Stanshoe.. Bruce: He sure didn't. I do all the work at Mimsie's. She is one tough lady to satisfy. Daphne: It's you? Bruce: I'm the only guy that can make her happy, everyone knows that. Jeez. [exits] Daphne: [realising:] So, that was the mistake you heard. Those stories you heard weren't about Joe, they were about Bruce? Niles: Hard to believe, isn't it? But you know, when society women go slumming they go all the way! So, you can tell Joe that you've changed your mind about going out with him. Daphne: Oh no, I couldn't. What would I say? Niles: Just tell him the truth. Tell him that I heard stories that he... [nose starts bleeding:] No, bad idea! Here. You... [cleans toilet seat with tissue:] wait here. Daphne sits down as Niles exits. Outside, Niles walks over to Joe calling him. Niles: Joe. Joe: Yep? Niles: [goes over to him] You have to ask Daphne out again. Joe: Are you nuts? You heard what she said. Niles: Yes, but if you ask her again; she'll say yes. Joe: Hey, maybe I've changed my mind. Niles: Oh no, you haven't changed your mind. You're just letting masculine vanity and hurt feelings keep you from something that other men can only dream of in their oxblood seated leather wingback chair with the lights off. Joe: Look, Dr. Crane, I just don't think it'll work out - okay? Niles: No, it's not okay. If you had ever... smelt her hair, you'd know she's worth at least one more try. She is an angel, and she is a goddess - and she's waiting for you in the bathroom. Joe thinks about it, then chucks Niles on the elbow and knocks on the powder room door. Joe: You got a minute? Niles watches as Daphne and Joe disappear to the bathroom. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Later that evening, everything is still as it was. Frasier enters from the bathroom with bits of blood-stuck tissue paper on his face from where he cut himself shaving. He goes over to the table where Martin and Niles are sitting. The phone sounds. Frasier: I'm never going to make it. Daphne, would you please get that? [she does] Martin: Jeez, I thought you were just going to slit your wrists. It looks like you went for "death of a thousand cuts." Frasier: I cut myself because I was shaving without water. And why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor, which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes, who called for Cecil, who ate the cat that killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built! Daphne: [to Frasier, re: phone call] That was the doorman. Senator Adler's limousine just pulled up. Frasier: Oh, it's over, it's over. Sing, fat lady, sing. Niles: Frasier, what are we going to do? Martin: Will you give me your cash? Both of you, come on! Hurry up! Frasier: Why? Martin: Never mind why, just hand it to me. Come on, be quick, Niles. Niles: [takes money out of wallet:] Oh all right, do you want all seven hundred dollars? Martin: You carry seven hundred dollars in your wallet? Niles: Well, Maris asked me to stop by the drugstore later. Martin: Just hand it over. [shouts to workmen:] Okay, guys. I've got seven hundred and some odd dollars here. If you can get everything cleared up before Frasier's buddies get here it's yours to split any way you want on your way out. Frasier: Bribery? That's your big plan? However, it does actually work as the workmen suddenly move with lightning speed and impeccable precision; furniture is replaced, the scaffolding is removed, and dust sheets are zapped away. Frasier: Oh my God, it's starting to work! Hey, here's another hundred I was holding out on my old man! Martin: Hey! [takes it] Daphne: Dr. Crane. Niles: Yes? Daphne: Joe told me what you did. I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thank you. [kisses Niles on cheek and jumps back] Oh! Niles: Did you feel that? We made a spark. Daphne: Oh yes, we did. I guess you were right, it is just the carpet! Joe: [shouting:] Okay everybody, come on. Move it, move it, move it. We're out of here. Joe picks up the seven hundred dollars as everyone except Frasier, Niles, Martin, Daphne and Joe hurry out. The room is restored as Joe asks Daphne: Joe: Are you ready? Daphne: [to rest:] Good night. Frasier: Goodnight Daphne, have a good time. Joe and Daphne exit. The room is now in perfection and is seamlessly rid of workmen and any sign of them. Frasier is ecstatic. Frasier: Oh, my God, we did it, we actually did it. [Martin begins to exit] Oh dad, please don't leave, I'd like you to stay. I mean, you helped me to get this put together tonight. Martin: Oh well, thanks Fras'. That makes me feel good. Not good enough to hang around that bleeding-heart-softie-on-crime Senator Adler, but good. [calls:] Come on Eddie, the politicians are coming! Martin exits to his room as Eddie quickly follows him. The doorbell goes and the brothers are excited. Frasier answers the door. The camera goes to a P.O.V from the guests who receive Frasier's welcome: Frasier: Senator Adler, Mayor - welcome to my humble abode. Bruce appears behind Frasier, pulling up the crotch of his pants and holding up a bare cardboard roll. Bruce: You know you're out of T.P. in the can? Frasier smiles at his guests covering up for Bruce as we FADE OUT. End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:00) [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier's Apartment. Frasier and Niles are bringing Martin's chair back into the lounge again. They are upstage at the same point they dropped it before. Niles asks to put it down but he's obviously under strict orders not to. He then crashes against the central pole of the lounge and drops the chair before eventually falling on the couch with a hurt back. Frasier then kicks the chair in disgust.

Frasier is angling to become the maître de chez of his wine club, so is holding a special wine tasting session in his apartment to try to win club members over. Needing to repair a dent in his floor quickly, he employs Niles's handyman Joe DeCarlo to fix it. Joe tells him he will be done by midday, but when Frasier returns home a few hours later, he finds his apartment in a state of disarray with holes in his walls and workmen everywhere. Joe tells him that when he plugged in the sander, a circuit blew and this has led to faulty wiring being discovered. At 4:30 pm, the apartment is still unfinished, the water is cut off, the gas pipes are damaged, and his guests will arrive soon. Martin tells his sons to give him all the cash they have, which he then offers to the workers to finish the job quickly.

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KT HOUSE - Living room Cappie : Ok, ok. Due to limited storage space, we will now be deleting our season pass of Days of Our Lives. I'm very, very sorry, Beaver. Beaver : I'll miss you, Marlena. Cappie : OK. On to the next item on the agenda. Pickle : I think we're at the elbow. Cappie : You know you need to moisturize, Pickle. This is just disgusting. Oh, right. OK. Dust off your tuxes, gentlemen, it's spring formal season. Which means next week we'll be having what we call at Kappa Tau... All : The prom. Cappie : As president, appointing the chairman of the prom committee is one of my special duties. Yeah. Duties. I take this responsibility very seriously. Now, this chosen one must possess organizational prowess, an acute attention to detail and the ability to tie balloons without popping them. Now, this year one lone Kappa Tau stood out. Shiningg like a lighthouse, guiding our prom safely into the harbor. Now, that one Kappa Tau is, of course, none other than... Excuse me. My shoe's untied. Let's give it up for Rusty Cartwright. Rusty : Thanks, guys. I'm gonna throw the best prom ever. So, we'll probably have, like, three subcommittees. Cappie : All right! Meeting adjourned. ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Ashleigh : I can't believe I own this many formal dresses. Who knew I was so fancy? Casey : Have you finalized the menu? Ashleigh : Maybe I should just wear the white strapless. But if I do, I can only drink clear liquids. Casey : Did you confirm with the hotel? Ashleigh : Yeah. See, I would wear the silver halter, but I don't have time to shape my shoulders. Damn my credit crunch. Casey : You booked the DJ, right? Ashleigh : Oh, my God. Music! I knew I forgot something! Casey : What? Really? Ashleigh : No, not really! This is not my first time at the spring formal rodeo. What's with all the micromanaging? It's like I'm on "The Apprentice" : Sorority Edition. Casey : I just want everything to be perfect. Our formal is the last social event before the election. If it goes off without a hitch,the sisterhood will want to continue my reign of terror-bly awesome parties. Ashleigh : Parties that won't be planned by me. 'Cause after this formal I am done, so next year I can actually bring a date and enjoy it. Let's head down for dinner. Casey : You're definitely flying solo? Ashleigh : I'm juggling so many logistical issues, bringing a date would just complicate matters. Besides, I don't have a Max. Casey : I know, but Max's first ZBZ function is Spring Formal. It's like he's just picked up a ping-pong paddle and I'm throwing him into Wimbledon. Ashleigh : Case, he's socially awkward. Not "special." ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Evan : And finally ladies, allow me to introduce... Hunter. He is a 6'1" junior from Columbus who plays lacrosse, speaks conversational German, and for the past three summers worked as a greeter at Abercrombie. Frannie : Please list your top three Omega Chi bachelors in numerical order. Evan and I will do everything we can to match you up with one of your favorites. Remember, ladies, we are the top sorority on campus. We deserve to be on the arms of the finest men. Evan : Your satisfaction is guaranteed. Frannie : I can vouch for that. Credits ZBZ HOUSE - Dining room Frannie : Can I have your attention, ladies? I have your Omega Chi formal dates. Oh, wait, wait, whoa. I'm afraid I have some bad news. There were more sisters than Omega Chis, so three girls didn't get matched. Holly, Greta, and Reagan. I'm so sorry, girls. But the good news is, Evan is throwing this after-party at the Omega Chi house for all of us. Get ready to party till dawn! Rebecca : So, Big Sis, what's the plan? Casey : I don't know. I thought I'd start with a bana, then move on to the yogurt. Rebecca : Come on. I know you've got a scheme to counter Frannie's boy bribery. Casey : Not at all. I think it's political pandering at its worst. Rebecca : It's shameless. Casey : Right? Thank you. Frannie : Rebecca, I got you that soccer player you wanted. Rebecca : Thanks, Frannie. Frannie : Anything for our little R-Lo. Casey : You don't think this stunt will help you in the election, do you? Frannie : Oh, my little, um, pit bull, this will win the election for me. Casey : Because you got a few girls a date? Frannie : No, because Evan did. I'm showing our sisters that, when they vote for me, they get a little extra bonus gift of... of manly macho goodness. Casey : This election is between us, Frannie, not our boyfriends. Frannie : You really are a natural blonde. CRU - Dale & Rusty'sroom Rusty : No, it's OK. Thank you. Hey, Dale, do you know where I can rent a disco ball? Dale : Try the Party Palace over on Fourth. Ask for Marvin. Tell him old D-Dawg sent you. He helped me trim my last U-SAG ball. What are you planning? Rusty : The K-T Spring Formal, which means crepe paper, balloons... Dale : Sounds like a prom. Rusty : So I've heard. I didn't get to go to the prom. Dale : Dateless? Rusty : No, I had this Boy Scout Jamboree that weekend. Anyway, this formal's gonna be my chance to make up for missing it. I mean, there has to be a reason why every teen movie ends at the prom. Dale : Usually because that's when they decide to give into temptation and have premarital s*x. Rusty : I don't think there will be any of that. It's a blind date. Beaver set me up with his cousin's... sister's girlfriend. He says she's cute. Here. This is the picture he sent me. Dale : She's a cow. Rusty : No, she's the one milking the cow. Dale : Very impressive. Rusty : I've got the tux, I've got the date. The stage is set for a night of epic romance, and I need some. I mean, I started off this year making out with a girl while it rained beer, and all I've gotten lately is crabs. Dale : What did you say? Rusty : Abs. Rock-hard abs. From the sit-ups I've been doing because of no dating. EXT. KT HOUSE Cappie : Hey ! Rebecca : Hi. Cappie : Nice weather, huh? Rebecca : Very low humidity. Well, I shouldn't let my heart rate drop. Cappie : Yeah, I'd hate to stand between you and physical fitness. Is that my shirt? Rebecca : Yep. Cappie : Well, can I have it back? Rebecca : Now? Cappie : It's kind of my lucky shirt. Rebecca : Having trouble getting lucky? Cappie : Cute. Rebecca : Tell you what. You can have this back when you return my travel toothbrush. Cappie : I hope I haven't stood in the way of any overnight visits. Rebecca : My itinerary's no longer your concern. Cappie : How about we set up a hostage exchange? Rebecca : How do I know you haven't thrown my toothbrush away? Cappie : How do I know you haven't stretched my lucky shirt? EXT. CRU Max : Lauren? Lorelei? Casey : Correct. Personal information. Max : She is from Ta...... ahassee. Tallahassee! She's from Tallahassee, of course. And she wants to be a... p0rn star? Casey : A plastic surgeon! You can do this. You memorized the Periodic Table. I know you can handle 50 sority girls. Max : Tell me again why we're doing this. Casey : This formal won't be all fun and games. With the election next week, we're in the middle of campaign season, so we're gonna have to work the room a little bit. Think of these as handy helpers. And if you get stuck, just bring up current events or something. Evan : Hey, there, Case. You must be Max. Evan Chambers. Max : Yes. Hi, I'm Max. Well, you already knew that. Evan : Right. Casey : Well, Evan, thanks for dropping by. Max : You might want to get a reusable water bottle. Evan : Excuse me? Max : Your water bottle? They say the average person uses 166 disposable plastic bottles of water per year, and that only about 20 percent of them actually end up being recycled. Evan : That's fascinating. Max : It's like, it's an environment thing. Environment. A current event, you might say. Evan : Hey, you know, here I was, just trying to stay hydrated. I'll see both you guys at the formal. Max, awesome meeting you. Max : You... Yeah. That was bad, wasn't it? Casey : Look, the thing with Evan... Max : Maybe I should just skip the formal. Casey : Really? Max : I'm just so worried we're gonna go to the formal, and I'm just gonna embarrass myself. Would you hate me if I didn't go? Casey : Not if you promise to make it up to me after the formal. CRU - Hallway Dale : Please tell me this is not your prom theme. Rusty : It is simple and romantic. Dale : This is more tired than my grandma after bingo. You need something more fresh and hip. You need "A Moment Like This." It's more immediate. Rusty : Hey, Max. Come here. I need your objective opinion. What do you think of this formal theme? Max : I'm not even going to ZBZ's formal, so... I'm probably the wrong person to ask. Dale : You're not going? That means Casey needs a date. Probably somebody that conveniently owns their own tuxedo. With tails. Max : It just... didn't sound like that much fun. Politics, small talk... Rusty : But there's so much more than that. You're both dressed in your finest, you take your date's hand, you slowly lead her out on the dance floor, where under the twinkling of the disco ball, her head rests gently on your shoulder. It's supposed to be the most romantic night of the year. Dale : Or you can just stay home and groom those sideburns. Max : The most romantic night of the year and I told Casey I didn't want to go? After she went to all that trouble to make everything so much easier for me. I'm such a jerk! Dale : Yeah, you really are. The truth hurts. But sometimes it can set you free. Max : She deserves the most romantic night of the year. I'm gonna give it to her. Dale : No, that's not what I'm... I wanted to give it to her. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Casey : I would love to have a romantic evening with Max. But... Frannie's turning the formal into a campaign event, so maybe it's better if he doesn't go. At least I won't have to worry about him. Am I a terrible person for even saying that ? Ashleigh : No, not at all. It sounds like the formal is gonna be work for both of us. Casey : You manage formal while I manage Frannie. She's going big with mass bribery, so... I'm gonna go small. You know, one-on-one. I can beat her without Evan Chambers on my arm. Max, hi. Max : I just... ran. Just one sec. I want to go to the formal. I'm sorry if it seemed like I didn't. I do. I want to give you the romantic night that you deserve. There you go. I... I want... I'm just talking right now. I don't... I'd rather do this. I gotta go. I gotta get my tux cleaned. So I will see you tomorrow night. All right. Bye. Casey : Bye. See you. He can go. Max : Can I get those flashcards? KT HOUSE - Party Rusty : Hey Cappie ! Cap' ! What's going on? Cappie : Didn't you get my text? Rusty : Text? Cappie : We sorta cancelled our formal. We definitely cancelled. Rusty : What? Cappie : But the upside is, we used the money to do our first informal, huh? Rusty : But I rented my tux. Cappie : I'm sorry, but you know, this is really more our style. Cheer up. We're about to start the bouncing man-boob competition, all right? Let's bounce! Beaver : Hey Rusty. Rusty : Is my date still coming? I've been reading up on prize-winning livestock. Beaver : My cousin's girlfriend said her sister eloped with a butcher. The whole family is shocked. Come on, Spitter, bounce with me. Come on, bounce! ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Ashleigh : Hey Rusty. Casey's at the salon, getting her hair did. Can I help you with something? Rusty : I need to borrow her car so I can return my tux. If I can get it back today they won't charge me. Ashleigh : But Isn't your formal next weekend? Rusty : It was until Cappie cancelled, and threw an informal, complete with bouncy castle and man-boob contest. Don't ask. Ashleigh : I'm good. Rusty : I was looking forward to it, especially since I missed my high school prom. Ashleigh : What? You missed your prom? Rusty : I had this Boy Scout Jamboree... Ashleigh : That is so sad. You missed the most romantic night of the year? There is a reason that every teen movie ends at the prom. Rusty : That's what I thought. Ashleigh : You could go to the ZBZ formal. Rusty : With whom? Ashleigh : I know for a fact that there are three girls upstairs without dates. And blind dates are so exciting. I love this! It's like I'm the host of a new reality show. I'm gonna make your prom dreams come true, Rusty Cartwright. Be here in tux tonight at seven. Rusty : Tonight at seven. EXT. CRU Cappie : Your head is way too fancy for your body. It's weird. Like when they make babies talk on TV. Casey : Don't touch. The formal is tonight. Cappie : Big date? Casey : I'm taking Max. Cappie : Rusty's RA, Mr. Super Science Smarty Pants. He's a great guy. I love it when he walks. He turns his left foot slightly outward. You guys are still together? Casey : Are you jealous? Cappie : I can be jealous of your boyfriends. It's in the ex-boyfriend bill of rights. I've read it. Casey : I think you two could be friends. I'll admit, when you first meet him he comes across as a little... Cappie : Aloof? Weird? Defective? Casey : Distracted, but... once you get tuned in to his frequency, he's a great guy. I am a little stressed about the formal, though, since it's one ginormous first impression. Cappie : He's not a circus freak. Or is he? Does he have webbed feet and a tail or a giant twin growing out of his back? Casey : You know what formals are like. It's all small talk and schmoozing. Nobody's better at that than... Cappie : Me? Casey : I was gonna say Evan, but you were a close second. Care to explain the toothbrush? Cappie : I'm just returning this to its rightful owner. At your house, actually. Casey : This is Rebecca's? I heard about the break-up. If you wanna avoid her, I can take it to her. Cappie : No, that's OK. I have to go home and make it look used. Besides, she and I have things to discuss. Casey : You're sleeping together. Cappie : No, we're not. Sleeping together? Casey : Cap, bad idea. Cappie : Come on. It doesn't mean anything. You and I slept together after we broke up. Casey : Once you'd been cleansed. Cappie : I don't remember that. Did I enjoy it? Casey : I had to cleanse you from my system. It took time. Cappie : Well, how much time? Casey : Generally speaking, whatever amount of time you were in the relationship for that's how long it takes to get over it. Our case... six months. Cappie : So you're over me? Casey : I'm under the gun.I've got to go. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Ashleigh : He's really smart, like Bill Gates smart. But with a much better face. He's got this really soothing voice, kind of lulls you to sleep. He's got great dental hygiene. Not a single cavity. Holly : Ok. Who is it? Ashleigh : Rusty Cartwright. Holly : Casey's little brother? Reagan : I can't decide if that's sad or gross. Greta : He's a pledge from Kappa Tau named Spitter. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Ashleigh : Well, I failed. Your hair looks nice. Casey : Thanks. What did you fail at? Ashleigh : Finding your brother a date to our formal. Casey : Why on Earth would you do that? Ashleigh : 'Cause the KT's cancelled their formal and when he told me, he just looked so sad. Like one of those puppies at the mall pet store. Casey : Just the thought is icky and nasty and... perfect. If Max gets uncomfortable, he can just talk to Rusty. Just hang out with him. Then they could sit at a table and talk about lasers and jet packs. Ashleigh : Well, I didn't find him a date, so... Casey : Really? You don't know anyone else without a date? Ashleigh : What, me? Casey : I mean... It's not like he's a real date. Plus, he can hold your lipstick and cash so you don't have to carry a purse. Ashleigh : I don't know. See? Mall pet store! Fine, I'll do it. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Omega Chi Guy : Cab's waiting. ZBZ Girl : Can you hold my keys and my lipliner and my credit card? Omega Chi Guy : All righty. Casey : See you there, guys. Frannie : Let's go. My public awaits. Evan : You look stunning. Frannie : Thanks. You clean up pretty well yourself. May I? Max : Casey ? Wow...Pretty. Casey : Right back at you. Rusty : Where's my date? Ashleigh : Right here. Rusty : What about the three girls? Ashleigh : My date cancelled so there was no way I was giving you up. Rusty : Isn't this weird? You're Casey's best friend. Casey : You're going to the formal, not having a baby. Rusty : Well, then I guess this is yours. Ashleigh : I'm not wearing that. Casey : So, is the cab out front? Max : We're not taking a cab tonight. Ashleigh : A limo? Rusty : Even better. Evan : Can you guys move your carriage? CRU - Prom Evan : All right, that's great. Bye. Some good news. Calvin's booked the best DJ on campus for the after-party. Frannie : Thanks. Evan : For what? Frannie : For everything. Evan : You know, just consider it a campaign event for the "Friends of Frannie Morgan Committee." You know you're gonna win. Frannie : It's not in the bag yet. What about your campaign for OC president? Evan : It's a lot less interesting. I'm running unopposed and everyone thinks I'm president anyway. Frannie : We make a pretty good team, Evan Chambers. Ashleigh : We missed the dinner. Max : Sorry. I didn't realize the formal was eight miles off campus. Rusty : And I didn't think my camera flash would spook the horses. Casey : We're here now. That's all that matters. Ashleigh : They didn't use the chair backs. God, the whole decor is off. Rusty : You got the four-tier chocolate fountain. Ashleigh : I did. I struggled with the decision, but the two-tiered just looked cheap. Come look at the ice sculpture. Casey : Would you mind if we made, like, a quick round? I should make an appearance. Max : Sure. Casey : This is Beth W. Beth W. : Hey casey. Casey : Have you met Max? Max : Casey tells me you spent last semester in Italy. Beth W. : Oh, my God. I did. It was "buenisimo". The shopping in Milan is sick. But it was really hard, too. Max : Being away from home? Beth W. : No, being near all that "pasta" ! I don't know how they're not all fatties! Max, this is my boyfriend, Brad. Max : Beth and Brad. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Cappie : You're not... You're not going to the formal? Rebecca : I cancelled my date. I need a break from sorority events. We have one, like, every week. Cappie : Here's your toothbrush back. Rebecca : About the other day... That was a huge mistake. Cappie : Right, yeah. Huge. Rebecca : Never to be repeated. Cappie : Never ever. Ever... What kind of ice cream are you eating? Rebecca : Cookies and cream. Rebecca : That was fun. Cappie : Fun. Then really fun. Then never done that before fun. Rebecca : We're broken up.We're not supposed to be doing this. Cappie : Why not?It's sort of how we started.Secret s*x spies, remember? Rebecca : That's true.Maybe the reason we don't work out is : we try to make it more than what it is. Cappie : Yeah, maybe we should just be friends who... occasionally hang out naked. Rebecca : Let's give it a shot. Friends. Cappie : Freaky fun buddies forever. I've always wanted to have s*x in this house. Rebecca : Me, too. Though I've always imagined it in the kitchen. Cappie : Where's the kitchen? [SCENE_BREAK] CRU - Prom Ashleigh : So, the centerpieces were my most controversial decision. Rusty : Why? They're cherubs. Ashleigh : Which some people think injects religious symbolism into the decor. But I just say little babies with wings are cute. Rusty : Yeah, they are. Girl : Come dance. Ashleigh : Rusty, come join us! Well, that was fun. Casey : So, how did you and Betsy meet? Omage Chi Guy : Well, that's a... long story. Max : Did you meet in AA? Omage Chi Guy : Did you tell him? Supposed to be Alcoholics Anonymous! Betsy : No, I did not tell him. Vic, do not go near that bar! Max : I knew I was doing too well. Casey : Well, don't worry about it. Let's take a break and have a dance. Evan : One more, please. You having fun? Thanks. Waiter : No problem. Rusty : I'm just trying to enjoy the prom. I mean, formal. Evan : And I'm stopping that how? Rusty : I'm just saying, I don't want to throw down with you. Evan : OK. Well, we won't throw down. What does that even mean? Rusty : You don't remember? Maybe I hit you too hard with the pledge paddle. Evan : Yeah, I do remember. I remember you came at me from behind and ambushed me. It was pretty pathetic, really. But of course, you've topped that tonight. Rusty : What are you talking about? Evan : Come on, you're on a pity date. Rusty : There's nothing pitiful about Ashleigh. Evan : No, you're right. There's... I'm not talking about Ashleigh. It's you. You're Exhibit A. Ashleigh's your sister's best friend. Exhibit B, look at her. She's insanely hot. Exhibit C, there's you. Rusty : Excuse me. I'm just gonna return to my lady. Beth : Venice was pretty and all, but it kind of smells. Ashleigh : Really? Beth : Yeah, it was weird. But I loved riding in the gondolas. They're these little canoes with these men that pushed with these long sticks. And you know what they do while they're pushing? Ashleigh : Sing? Beth : My gosh, you've been there? Ashleigh : Rusty! Casey : Are you having any fun? Max : Sure. I mean, I guess. No. It's good to get out of my comfort zone. Girl : Dance circle! Casey : It's dance circle time. Max : Dance circle? Casey : Yeah, at formal we stand around in a circle and dance. I can't really explain it. Max : I'll take a breather. Frannie : Go, Evan. Casey : Come dance. Right now. Go, Max. Max : I got her. Max : What are you doing? Frannie : I can get it unstuck. What's hurting me? Frannie : You trying to untangle it or rip it out? Casey : I'm sorry. It's really in there. Frannie : You know what, girls, go and dance. Don't worry about little old me. I've been to many formals. It's OK that Casey's boyfriend ruined this one. Casey : I think we need scissors. Frannie : You know what? Will you do it, Heather? Because you always trim your own bangs. They look great. We've got it from here. Rusty : I'm really sorry. I don't know what got into me. No, that's not true. Evan got into me. Ashleigh : What did he say? Rusty : He said I was on a pity date. Casey : I need help with damage control. Can you hang with Max? Rusty : Fine. Whatever. Casey : What's wrong with him? Ashleigh : Prom isn't living up to his expectations. Casey : The prom? Ashleigh : That's why I wanted to find him a date. He missed his prom. He had to go to Gymboree with some Boy Scouts. Casey : Rusty didn't go to prom because he couldn't find a date. He asked multiple girls and they all said no. Ashleigh : That must be why what Evan said upset him so much. Casey : What did Evan say? Max : I think that guy Evan wants you. Rusty : He's such an ass. I can't believe Casey dated him. Max : They dated? Rusty : For almost two years. Casey : Look, leave Rusty alone. If you want to pick on somebody, pick on me. This is about us, not him. Evan : Well, I beg to differ. My issues with Rusty are very much about Rusty. Casey : Don't be an ass, Evan. Evan : If I'm such an ass, then why on Earth did you date me for so long? I mean, could it be that I'm the heir to a media conglomerate? Casey : Well, it's quite apparent Frannie's only dating you for your winning personality. Evan : At least she's being honest about it. Casey : You're better than this. What happened to you? Evan : You're right. You are absolutely right. I don't know. I miss you, Case. And I don't know what to do. Losing you will be my biggest regret. That's what you want to hear, right? Casey : I get it now. Evan : What? Casey : I now get your issues with Rusty. I thought I knew you best. But Rusty's the one person who knew exactly who you are. I can't believe I defended you. That's my greatest regret. You know, actually... Actually my greatest regret is not being there to see Rusty kick your ass with the pledge paddle. ZBZ HOUSE - Laura's room Rebecca : If Laura knew what we just did in there, she would die. Cappie : What was with all those Precious Moments figurines, anyway? Rebecca : Who knows. I felt like we were being watched. Cappie : I know. I kind of liked that. Rebecca : Bed or floor? Cappie : Bed. I'm getting a little rug burn. Wait. Is this Casey's room? CRU - Prom Ashleigh : Care to dance? Rusty : I don't think so, Ash. Ashleigh : Come on. Everyone has to slow dance at the prom. You're pretty light on your feet. Rusty : I've been practicing in my room. It seems really stupid right now. Ashleigh : Why? Rusty : I always expected prom to be this big, romantic rite of passage. But none of this seems romantic. Ashleigh : I beg to differ. Did you see the napkin rings? Rusty : What's romantic about it is being able to share it with someone who's excited to be with you. Which, apparently, is why every stupid teen movie ends at the prom. Did I step on your toe? They kiss... Casey : I'm sorry about that, Max. I had to take care of some things. Max : Here's your key and your credit card and your make-up. I'm gonna go. Casey : I'm sorry. I haven't been the best date tonight. With the election... Max : Why didn't you tell me that Evan Chambers was your ex-boyfriend? Casey : I didn't? I thought I did. Max : No. I'd remember if you did. My memory's borderline photographic. Apparently, sorority girls are the border. Casey : I should have told you. Max : You dated for almost two years. That's... a pretty big detail to leave out. Casey : It's just... Evan is the big man in the Greek system. And I knew how nervous you were about the formal and I didn't want to make you feel more insecure. Max : So, you were worried about me feeling insecure? Or were you insecure about being with me? Casey : I'm sorry. Max : I'm gonna go. Casey : Even though I hate to admit it, part of me dated Evan because of who he was. But I'm determined to not make that mistake again. I love that you're a nobody. That came out wrong. I promise. I have all the right feelings for you. I'm just saying all the wrong things. Max : Just tell me that you want to be with me. Casey : I want to be with you. Come on. Let's go. Evan : Hey Max. Don't forget your watch. Max : I'll be right back. Thank you. Casey told me you two used to date. Evan : That's right. Max : I gotta ask. How on Earth could you ever let her go? EXT. ZBZ HOUSE Ashleigh : So, what did you think of your prom? Rusty : It was definitely full of surprises. Ashleigh : That's the thing about prom. You never know what's gonna happen. Someone's always getting too drunk or breaking up, making a fool of themselves on the dance floor. We're just lucky nobody spilled pig's blood on us. Rusty : Tonight, I had a great time. Ashleigh : I did too, Rusty. Rusty : And I've been thinking about us. It would never work. I mean, you're Casey's best friend. We're just gonna have to let this go. Ashleigh : You are going to make some girl very happy. Rusty : You too, Ashleigh... I don't know your last name. Ashleigh : Howard. Rusty : Howard. Ashleigh : Good night. Rusty : Good night. ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Rebecca : You know you're still hung up on her. And I'm still hung up on you. Cappie : You are? Rebecca : Which is why we can't do this anymore. Cappie : The s*x or the friends? Rebecca : The s*x. Maybe the friends. Cappie : Well, for the record, I'd like to find a way to be friends. Rebecca : Why? What's the point? Cappie : Life is just more interesting with you in it. Rebecca : I need to get over you, Cap. Cappie : I'll see you in four months. Rebecca : Four months? Ashleigh : Good night, Betsy. Rebecca : Out the back! Cappie : The back? Rebecca : Run! Ashleigh : Rebecca, what are you doing in here? Rebecca : Looking for Laura's robe. Found it.

As the ZBZ spring formal draws near, Casey worries whether a socially awkward Max will make a good impression. When Kappa Tau cancels their participation, Ashleigh takes the desperate Rusty as her date. Cappie and Rebecca can't stay away from each other despite being broken-up.

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fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_05x07_0

Scene: Sheldon's office. Sheldon: And reverse the spin on the antiproton, and gamma becomes alpha, multiplied by a matrix of negative I comma zero, and there we have it. Conclusive proof that I am absolutely worthless after nine o'clock. Ghostly voice: Sheldon, Sheldon. Sheldon: Hmm. (Looks outside office door. Corridor lamp sparks and goes out. Corridor is bathed in an eerie glow) All right, all right. I see what's going on. A little pre-Halloween hijinkery. A ghostly moan, a rattling of chains, a witch's cackle. The trifecta of haunted house clich s. Instead of eek, I say yawn. Ghostly voice: Sheldon. Sheldon: Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow. Raj: You should've seen your face. Sheldon: Yes, there's nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled. Howard: Come on, admit it. We got you, Sheldon. Sheldon: Please, fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you, and able to anticipate your actions, it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me. (Leonard creeps out behind him wearing a Star Trek Balok mask) Raj: He's probably right. Howard: We can't beat him. He's just too smart. Sheldon: Gentlemen. (Turns and sees Leonard. Screams and faints). Howard: Who had money on faints? Raj: I had pee his pants. Leonard: Hang on. Looks like everyone's a winner. Credits sequence. Scene: The comic book store. Leonard: Oh. Watch out, Sheldon. This little boy Casper is a g-g-g-ghost! Sheldon: Droll. Howard:Not as droll as a grown man passed out in a puddle of his own urine. Leonard: That was pretty droll. With a hint of ammonia. Sheldon: Yes, enjoy your japes, gentlemen. You think you've poked fun at a milquetoast academic. Well, you've forgotten one thing. I am also a son of the Lone Star state. I'm Texas through and through. And we know how to settle scores down there. If you doubt me, ask Mexico. Stuart: Hot girl, nine o'clock. Don't everybody look at once! Raj: What is she doing in a comic book store? Stuart: I don't know, she might be lost. Doesn't matter. Watch and learn. Hi. Hot girl: Hi. Stuart: Um... it-it-it... (returns to guys) Shut up. Hot girl (to Leonard): Are you getting this Next Men? Leonard: Uh, yeah. It's issue number 21. First appearance of Hellboy. Hot girl: I know. I've been looking for it for years. Leonard: Sorry. Hot girl: Hey, if I pretended to hit on you, could I distract you enough to sneak it away? Leonard: Yes, but you'd be using your superpowers for evil. Hot girl: Damn, I'm forbidden by my Kryptonian father to do so. I am Alice. Leonard: Leonard. Alice: You are very cute, Leonard. Leonard: Thanks. You, too. You know, go ahead and take it. Alice: No, no. No, no, I, I, I did evil. Would you be open to a trade? Leonard: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, I guess. Alice: Okay. Here. This is my number, call me. Leonard: Sorry, palm's a little sweaty. What's that word? Alice: Alice. Leonard: Oh, right, your name. That makes more sense than pen1s. Alice: Later. Howard: Did we just see you pick up a girl in a comic book store? Stuart: 'Cause if you did, you get your picture up there on the Wall of Heroes. Leonard: No, I don't think I picked her up. Besides, I have a girlfriend. Stuart: Doesn't matter. This is the closest anyone's ever come. You're going on the wall, my friend. Scene: Entering the apartment building. Sheldon: Be sure to check the mail. Leonard: How many times are you gonna tell me? What's with you? Sheldon: Nothing. It's not suspicious that I'm fixating. It's consistent with my personality. Leonard: Right. Penny: Hey, guys. Leonard: More Halloween candy? Didn't you just buy a bunch of it yesterday? Penny: Oh. Yeah. That's gone. It's a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time. Sheldon: Leonard doesn't have time to chat, he has to get the mail. Leonard: Will you relax? I'll get it in a minute. Hey, how was work? Sheldon: Open the mail! Leonard: Excuse me. (Sheldon holds fingers in ears) A couple of circulars, nothing important. Penny: What's with him? Leonard: Hang on. (Sheldon opens mail box. A loud horn blows and a balloon with Leonard's face on pops out. Sheldon faints again.) You might be from Texas, but I'm from New Jersey. Scene: The apartment. Leonard is with Alice. Leonard: Check it out. Jim Lee drew this of me two years ago at Comic Con. Alice: What are you wearing? Leonard: Well, you know, it's Comic Con. I'm Lion-O from ThunderCats. Alice: Wow, you must have gotten so laid. Leonard: No. But Jessica Alba did rub my furry belly. Alice: Want to see a comic I draw? Leonard: You're kidding. You have your own book? Alice: Yeah. It's kinda based on my life. Leonard: Cool. Oh, look. That's you having s*x with a guy in the top half of a Chewbacca costume. Comic Con? Alice: You'd think, but no. Leonard: You're very talented. This is really good. Did you do... (she kisses him.) Alice: So, can I trade you my comic for the Hellboy? Leonard: You can have my car. Scene: Sheldon's office. Sheldon (creeps into office carrying a box): Oh, dear. (Reaches into box, picks up a snake) Oh, dear. (Puts snake into Raj's top drawer) Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Purell, Purell, Purell, Purell. Raj (entering): Good morning, Sheldon. Sheldon: It is, isn't it? Oh, bother. Isn't that just always the way? You go to staple something, and you're out of staples. Gosh, I wish I'd known that earlier today when I was at Staples. Raj: You have a thing of paper clips right there. Sheldon: well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don't you keep staples in your top desk drawer? Raj: I don't know. Maybe. Sheldon: Be a lamb and check. Raj: All right. (Opening drawer) Who do we have here? Sheldon: It's a snake. A terrifying snake. Raj: Oh, did some bad man put us in a drawer? Sheldon: Stop talking like that. You've been rendered speechless by fear. Raj: Let's go to the biology lab and find you some nice yummy mice. Sheldon: I tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on, Cooper. You're better than this. Scene: Penny's apartment. There is a knock. Penny: It's open. Leonard: Hey, you got a minute? Penny: Yeah, sure, come on in. Leonard: Thanks. Penny: Want some mac and cheese? Leonard: No. Lactose. Gas. Penny: Glass of wine? Leonard: No. Sulfites. Migraines. Penny: Okay, well, I'd offer you Halloween candy, but that's gone. So, what's up? Leonard: Okay, we used to go out, right? Penny: Oh, my God, that's where I know you from. Leonard: I'm dealing with a situation and it's kind of about my love life, so I know that might be weird for us to talk about, but in this area, as you know, all my other friends are just so stupid. Penny: All right, what's going on? Leonard: So, you're okay talking about this? Penny: Yes. Leonard: You're sure it's not weird. Penny: It's okay. Leonard: You know what, if you ever want to talk to me about a problem in your life with a guy, then I would be fine with that. Penny: Okay, good, because there's this one guy I used to date who's about to be force-fed wine and cheese if he doesn't get to the point. Leonard: Okay, uh, here it is. Is it cheating if a guy has a girlfriend... Penny: Yeah, probably. Leonard: Come on. Penny: I'm sorry, go ahead. Leonard: I met this girl, and she's great. We have a lot in common. Penny: Did you guys do it? Leonard: No. We just made out a little. Penny: Oh, look at you, you bad boy. Did you tell her about Priya? Leonard: Well, I was gonna, but there were too many tongues in my mouth. Penny: That's gross. Leonard: Here's the thing, I, I'm not one of those guys who sneaks around and sleeps with more than one woman. Penny: Well, good for you. Leonard: The problem is, I want to be one of those guys. Penny: So sleep with the new girl and lie to Priya. Leonard: Oh, that's not who I am. Penny: All right, then break it off with the new girl. Leonard: Now, let's not do anything rash. She's really hot. Penny: If you like this girl so much, why don't you just end things with Priya? Leonard: Priya and I are in love. I think we could get married someday. Penny: Leonard, you're looking for a way to sleep with both women and have everybody be happy about it. Leonard: Now we're getting somewhere. Penny: What does your gut tell you? Leonard: Go ask Penny; she'll know what to do. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is adjusting a device on his arm. Sheldon: Hello, Howard. I've realized that you scaring me was all in jest. Allow me to say, job well done. (Grabs his own hand. Electrocutes himself.) Perfect. Leonard: What are you doing? Sheldon: Science. You wouldn't understand. Leonard: Hey, well, see you. I'm going out. (Starts to go out. Doesn't.) Sheldon: I thought you were leaving the apartment. Leonard: Yeah, me, too. I can't make up my mind. Sheldon: Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies? Leonard: No. I'm having a moral crisis. Sheldon: Well, if it's of any help, I've read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss. Leonard: Oh, what the hell. I'm supposed to go see that girl from the comic book store, Alice, but I don't know if I should, because I'm going out with Priya, but she's in India. Sheldon: All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won't be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on. Leonard: Well, they say at the end of your life, you regret the stuff you didn't do more than the stuff that you did, and I'm pretty sure Alice is the stuff I want to do. Sheldon: You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men. Leonard: That actually does help. Sheldon: It's worth noting that he died of syphilis. Leonard: Screw it, I'm going. Sheldon: On your way home, will you pick up some orange juice? Leonard: Do you mind? I'm questioning a lot of things in my life right now. Sheldon: Is one of those things your fondness for orange juice? Leonard: No. Sheldon: Great. Tropicana, no pulp. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Howard's house. Sheldon rings the doorbell. Howard: Hey, Sheldon. Bernadette (off): Who is it? Sheldon: It's me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz. Howard: That's not my mom, it's Bernadette. Sheldon: Really? That's very unsettling. Bernadette: Hi, Sheldon. Sheldon: Hi. Howard: What's up? Sheldon: It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put 'er there, you old so-and-so. Howard: Well, I, I'm gonna see you at work in 12 hours, don't you think it could have waited until then? Sheldon: Holy smoke, why didn't I think of that? You're a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put 'er there, you son of a gun! Howard: Whatever. (Takes his hand. Starts to be electrocuted) My... oh... it's... (Clutches heart and collapses) Bernadette: Oh, my God, Howard! What did you do? Sheldon: It was a harmless Halloween prank. Look. Bernadette: Howard has a heart condition! You know that! Sheldon: Well, I thought he made that up. Isn't hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people? Bernadette: This is adrenaline, we're gonna have to inject it into his heart. Sheldon: We are? Bernadette: You are. I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we've only got one shot. Sheldon: Oh, no! I can't! Bernadette: Hurry! We're running out of time! Sheldon: Okay. Bernadette: Just do it! Sheldon: Oh, God! One, two, three! Howard: Trick or treat, bubbeleh. Sheldon: What? No. You mean this was all a ruse? Oh, how could I be so stu... (puts hand to forehead. Electrocutes himself). Scene: Alice's apartment. Alice and Leonard are kissing. Leonard: Damn it, I can't. I can't, I can't do this. Alice: Uh, is it my tongue stud? 'Cause if that freaks you out, you're in for a real surprise later on. Leonard: No, no, no. I, I can't do this. Believe me, I really want to. Alice: But? Leonard: But I kind of have a girlfriend. Alice: Are you kidding? Leonard: You're cool with you and me just being friends, right? Alice: I don't believe this. Leonard: Wait, I don't, which part? Alice: I'm so stupid. I thought for once I'd met a good guy, but you're just another jackass. Leonard: Oh, no, no, you have it wrong. No. I, I was going to be a jackass, but I stopped myself. I stayed a good guy, so, I'm gonna pass on the s*x. But you should know, that's not a comment on your hotness but on my goodness. That's kind of my superpower. I'm, like, Captain Good Guy. Scene: Leonard being ejected into the corridor. Leonard: It's okay. Did the right thing. You idiot! Scene: The apartment. Leonard is on skype. Leonard: Hey, Priya. Priya: Hey, sweetheart. How's it going? Leonard: Uh, not so good. We have to talk. Priya: Oh, sounds serious. What's up? Leonard: Okay, uh, here it is. I met this girl and I kissed her, and I feel terrible about it. But it's done, it's never gonna happen again. And I am so, so sorry. Priya: Leonard, relax. It's okay. Leonard: It is? Priya: Yeah, these things happen. They happen to everybody. Leonard: Oh, my God, you are amazing. I mean, I don't deserve you. Wh, what do, what do you mean everybody? Priya: Leonard, I didn't know if I should tell you, but I kind of cheated on you, too. Leonard: Uh, kind of? Priya: A couple of weeks ago, I slept with my ex-boyfriend. So, I guess we both messed up a little. Leonard: No, no, I messed up a little. You messed up a lot. Priya: Well, it's not a competition. Leonard: Oh yeah, it is, and you won. I, I, I'm, I'm sorry, I have to go. I don't believe this. Sheldon (leaping out of the base of the sofa): Bazinga, punk. Now we're even.

Leonard meets an attractive female comic book enthusiast named Alice at the comic book store and immediately gets attracted to her. However he is still in a committed relationship with Priya and as a result is torn between cheating on her with Alice or staying loyal to her. He goes to Penny for advice, but he does not find her advice useful, so he goes to Sheldon, who quotes Friedrich Nietzsche's views on morality (Morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men). Leonard surprisingly takes Sheldon's advice and goes to Alice's apartment. But just when they are about to have sex, Leonard's conscience gets the better of him. He tells Alice that he already has a girlfriend, prompting her to throw him out of her apartment. Later he tells Priya via Skype about how he tried to cheat on her. To his surprise, Priya accepts his actions, but then reveals that she cheated on him by sleeping with her ex-boyfriend. Leonard becomes very upset at this and closes his laptop on Priya, indicating their breakup. Meanwhile, Sheldon becomes the victim of a successful Halloween prank by the guys and decides to take revenge by pranking them back. But due to his lack of guile, none of his pranks are successful; Leonard reverses his airbag prank on him; Raj does not get scared of the snake which Sheldon hid in his drawer in their office; Howard and Bernadette pretend that Howard had suffered a heart attack after Sheldon gives him an electric handshake, which actually scares him more. However he manages to finally scare Leonard by leaping out from under the couch cushions in zombie face paint after Leonard speaks with Priya.

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Act One. Scene One - Department Store. Roz and Frasier are walking through the store. Frasier is carrying a bag with a Menorah in it for Frederick. Roz: I thought your father was in charge of Christmas decorations. Frasier: Oh, no, no, not this year. We're doing it my way. That's why I'm ordering a tasteful tree here. They'll even deliver it on Christmas Eve, fully decorated. Roz: [sarcastic] Gee, that'll be fun for Freddie. Frasier: Oh no, Frederick won't be joining me this year. He's spending his vacation on an archaeological tour with Lilith. Roz: He's spending Christmas with dried-up old bones? Frasier: [laughs] I thought I told you, she's taking him on an archaeological tour. [laughs with Roz] Oh good lord, look how late it's gotten! Roz: Well, don't blame me, you're the one who spent twenty minutes looking for that candleholder thing. Frasier: Oh, no, no, it's a Menorah, Roz. I thought I'd get one for Frederick for Hanukah. Roz: Oh, that's right, I completely forgot Frederick is half-Jewish. Frasier: Yes, between the Crane boy genes and Lilith's contribution, I'm not sure the NFL is holding its breath. Roz: I need to go over to "Notions" and try to find something for Calvin, the security guard. Frasier: Oh, what are you getting him? Roz: If I knew I wouldn't be going to "Notions." Roz leaves to the "Notions" part of the store. Frasier goes to the clothes department and asks the assistant (Sal): Frasier: Excuse me, I'd like to get a gift for that woman I was with. Er, how about this sweater right here? Sal: Excellent choice. Frasier: I'm not sure of the size, though, could you find me this in a medium? Thank you. Sal ducks under the counter for the sweater. Roz comes back. Roz: It's a madhouse in there! Frasier: [worried] Roz! Roz: People pushing and shoving for nose-hair clippers. Is there a nasal hair epidemic I don't know about? Sal: [rising] Here's your sweater. Roz: Is he talking to you? Frasier: [covering] No! No, no, he's talking... A woman, of about fifty, in a red dress - Mrs. Helen Moskowitz - comes to his rescue. Helen: He's talking to me! It's for my niece. But I'm a bit worried about the size. [to Roz] You know, she's just about your height. Do you mind my asking, would this fit you? Roz: Mmm, that's a little big for me. Helen: What about the color? A little blah? Roz: Personally, I like the blue. Helen: I agree, thank you so much. [to Sal] I will take a smaller size in the blue, and please gift-wrap it. Sal: Coming right up. Frasier: Oh, Roz, it looks like "Notions" has thinned out. Roz: Oh good, so you think Calvin will like the nose hair clippers? Frasier: Well, I think we can be sure he doesn't own a pair! Roz exits to "Notions" again. Frasier turns to Helen. Frasier: Gosh, thank you so much for bailing me out that way. Helen: My pleasure. [shakes his hand] Helen. Frasier: Helen, Frasier. Helen: Not Frasier Crane, from the radio show? Frasier: Yes. Helen: Oh, ha-ho, I listen to you every time I come to Seattle to visit my daughter, Faye. Frasier: Well, that's very kind. Helen: You know, you really should know your wife's size. Frasier: Oh, she's not my wife. Helen: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry. Frasier: It's all right. Helen: Girlfriend? Frasier: No, I don't have a girlfriend, actually. I'm unattached. Helen: Oh. Well, I've taken enough of your time. Although, there is one small thing you could help me with. I'm looking for something for my daughter. Frasier: Oh, what is it? Helen: Nah, no, I really shouldn't ask. Frasier: No, no, please. Helen: No, no, it's too much of an imposition. Frasier: No, no. After the way you came to my rescue, I would be delighted to help you in any way I can. What is it you're looking to get for your daughter? Helen: A date with a nice, unattached doctor. Frasier: Well, I certainly walked into that one, didn't I? Helen: It wasn't my first time! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Caf Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are standing in the Cafe as Frasier waits for his date. Frasier: All right, now as soon as this woman gets here give me five minutes and then call me on my cell phone. If I am miserable I will simply say it's an emergency and excuse myself. Niles: Ah, yes, the ever-valuable escape call. Frasier: Oh, you've done them? Niles: Oh... [laughs as if he's remembering the time, then stops] No, but I've seen them done. Niles takes a position at the window seat as Faye - a beautiful woman with waves of black hair and an intelligent, forthright manner - enters. [N.B. For my money, Amy Brenneman is the most attractive woman Frasier has dated before or since in the whole series - Mike Lee :-) ] Faye: Excuse me, are you Frasier? Frasier: [delighted] Faye? [she nods] Yes, hello! [rises and shakes her hand] How did you know it was me? Faye: You had that horror-stricken look of someone who's met my mother. Frasier: Oh, no, [points to seat] please, please, shall we? Faye: Oh, no, that's very sweet of you but you don't have to go through with this. I really just came to apologize. Frasier: No, please, please, why don't you sit down? Faye does. Meanwhile, Daphne enters and spots Niles. Daphne: Hey, Dr. Crane. Are you here with your brother? Niles: [points to Frasier] No, actually he's on a blind date. Daphne: Oh, he is, isn't he! She sits with him. Niles begins to act nervous around Daphne. He begins fidgeting. Daphne: Oh, look at him. I think he really fancies her. You know, it's always so obvious when a man likes a woman. Niles begins awkward body language. Daphne: You can just tell by his awkward body language. Niles begins shifting in his chair. Daphne: Shifting in his chair, he doesn't know quite what to do with his hands. Niles realizes his hands are all over the place. Daphne: He's as nervous as a hen. [shouts] Oh for God's sake, stop fidgeting! Niles, thinking she's talking to him, stops moving. Then he realizes she was talking about Frasier. Meanwhile, Frasier and Faye... Frasier: So, your mother tells me that you're a lawyer. Faye: Well, that's typical. I was a lawyer and I quit two years ago, and now I'm a pastry chef. Frasier: Really? Faye: Yes. I work in a little French restaurant in town. Maybe you've heard of it? Le Cigar Volant. Frasier: My God, it's one of my favorites! I had dinner there last Friday night. They get excited. Faye: I worked there last Friday night, what did you have? Frasier: The Grand Marquis Souffl . Faye: I made that. Frasier: Oh, it was poetry on a plate. Faye: Thank you. [then] You didn't happen to find my earring in it, did you? [Frasier gives her a look] I'm kidding! Frasier: Oh, [laughs] you know, suddenly I'm glad that your mother is as pushy as she is. It's funny, though, you're nothing like her. Faye: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. [laughs] Meanwhile, Daphne gives Niles a proposal: Daphne: Dr. Crane, can I ask a favor? What are you doing for the next ten nights, because my... Niles: [quickly] Yes. [Daphne gives him a look] Excuse me, finish the question. Daphne: Well, my neighborhood theatre group is putting on a holiday revue; in fact, we're performing in the common room of Dr. Crane's building. Niles: Right downstairs? Daphne: Yeah, but we're still looking for a musical director. I would never ask you but they've put me in charge of the whole thing. Niles: Oh, well count me in. Is the show more religious in tone or secular? Daphne: [gets out her notes] Well, we couldn't quite agree. So we ended up with a mixed bag. Er, we open with the "no room at the inn" scene, then it's a rousing version of "Jingle Bell Rock," a brief medley from "Jesus Christ Superstar." And the first act ends with Santa's elves and the three wise men all linking arms and singing "Frosty the Snowman." Niles: Well... [gropes for a response] Excuse me, I have to make a phone call. Back to Frasier and Faye. Frasier is talking of his history. Frasier: Of course I love Boston but well, there's no place like home. Frasier's mobile rings. Frasier: Excuse me. [into phone] Yes, hello? Uh, yes but you know what, I'll just have to sign those papers later, thank you. [hangs up] Office work. Faye: That was an escape call, wasn't it? Frasier: No! What are you talking about? Faye: Come on, it's a blind date. You wanted a way to back out. Frasier: Oh, gosh, you are sharp, aren't you? How did you know? Faye's mobile starts ringing. She gives a look as we FADE OUT. Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Niles is hanging up a stylish wreath in the apartment. Frasier is on the phone to Faye. Frasier: [to phone] Well, that would be just lovely. All right, I'll see you soon. [hangs up] Well, isn't that nice? Faye's dropping by. Niles: Oh, you've been seeing a lot of her lately, haven't you? Frasier: Yes, I have. You know, she really is quite wonderful. Niles: Well, I thought she was off to Florida with her mother. Frasier: Yes, she is. They're both popping by on the way to the airport. I guess someone wanted to rack up a few more frequent Frasier miles. [laughs] Niles: [chucks him on the shoulder, then] You don't ever actually say those things to the woman, do you? Frasier: Oh, no, no. Daphne enters with costumes on her arm. Daphne: Oh good, Dr. Crane, you're here. Niles: Yes, the show starts in half an hour. Daphne: Yeah, could you give me a hand? I still have to sew the chains to Jacob Marley's tux for the dance number. Niles: Oh, yeah, happy to. Frasier: Jacob Marley? They're doing "A Christmas Carol" too? Niles: No, they're not. They worked him into the nativity scene. Niles exits after Daphne. Martin then enters from his room with "Rudolph" - a big garish wreath with Rudolph popping out of it. His nose looks as if it can glow if plugged in. Martin: Hey Fras', where's a good spot for Rudolph this year? Frasier: Dad! Please, I thought we had an agreement about the decorations. Martin: I know, but what's Christmas without Rudolph? Frasier: He is not even one of the original reindeer! Martin: Well, do the others have a song? Frasier: Look, I'm not having this discussion again! Martin: It's because you know I'm right. Well, forget it, I wouldn't want to ruin your designer Christmas! Martin exits to his room as the doorbell sounds. Frasier answers it to Faye. Frasier: Oh, Faye. [hugs her] Hi, good to see you. Here, let me take your coat. [does] Where's Helen? Faye: Er, she's talking to your doorman. She's trying to fix him up with my cousin Janet and I couldn't bear to watch. Frasier: [re: door] We'll just leave that ajar for her then. Faye notices the wreath. Faye: Oh my gosh. Frasier: What? Faye: You have a wreath. Frasier: Yes, so? Faye: Aren't you Jewish? Frasier: No, no, why do you ask? Faye: The day we met my mother saw you shopping for a Menorah. Frasier: Yes, for my son. My ex-wife is Jewish. Faye: Oh, God... Frasier: Is there a problem? Faye: Uh, for me, no, but my mother is another story, and here I was wondering what we'd talk about on the seven hour flight to Miami. Frasier: You know what, I can just take this down. Faye: Uh, no, no, no, no, I have to stop being a child about these things. If she's upset, she's upset. Frasier: How many stopovers do you have? Faye: Two. Frasier: I'll take it down. Faye: Thank you. Frasier takes the wreath down. Faye: I really appreciate you doing this. Frasier: Oh, it's no problem. Faye: I can't believe I'm actually asking you to pretend you to be Jewish on Christmas Eve. Frasier: It's all right, really, it probably won't even come up. There is a knock at the door and Helen enters. Frasier: Hello, there she is! Helen: Hello, Frasier! Frasier: Helen, hi. Helen: Oh, what a beautiful apartment you have. Frasier: Thank you very much. Eddie then jumps up onto the sofa. He is dressed in a Father Christmas outfit. Helen's back is turned to him. Faye looks alarmed. Frasier: GET OUT! Eddie runs out. Helen: What? Frasier: [covering] -of that coat already! [takes it off her] End Of Act One. Act Two. OY TO THE WORLD Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Helen, Faye and Frasier are sitting in the apartment and discussing. Helen: So, Frasier, you grew up in Seattle? Frasier: Yes, as a matter of fact I did. Helen: [looks at view] Such a pretty city. Frasier: Oh, yes. Helen: I guess you were bar mitzvahed here? Frasier: Oh yes, yes of course. What a proud day that was. I can still remember reading from the Torah before the... the Rabbi... [struggling] and the Cantor... and the Mohel. Helen: The Mohel? Frasier: Yes. Faye: [helping him] The one who did your circumcision? Frasier: Yes, yes, I just wanted to show him that there were no hard feelings. [notices Niles entering] Niles! Niles: Hello all, you must be Faye. [shakes hand] Helen: [shakes his hand] And I'm her mother, Helen Moskowitz. Niles: And I'm Frasier's brother, Niles. [notices the wreath is gone] Oh, what happened to the... Frasier: [interrupting] The Moskowitz family that lived down the hall? They moved! You know, Niles, why don't you come and help me in the kitchen? I'm just about to pour everybody a drink. The camera resets to the kitchen as they both enter. Niles: What's going on? Frasier: Faye's mother thinks that we're Jewish, just play along. Niles: [used to the farce scenario] Okay. [pause] Why? Frasier: Well, it's important to Faye, Faye is important to me. Do you think you can pull it off? Niles: No problem. [checks oven] Ooh, ham! Frasier: Niles! Please. We've got to find a time to tell Dad about this too. Niles: You mean Papa. Frasier: Stop it! Frasier pours the wine. Niles: Wait, Frasier, is that for Helen? Frasier: Yes. Niles: What if she's expecting Jewish wine? Frasier: Gosh, I'm afraid I don't have any of that on hand. Niles: It's all right, it's easy enough. It's just like regular wine plus a little bit of this... Niles takes some sugar and puts two teaspoons into the glass. Niles: Try that. Frasier: [he does] It's dreadful! Niles: Perfect. Niles and Frasier enter the room with the wine. Frasier: Here we are. [hands out wine] Helen: Thank you. Who has a nice toast? Niles? Niles: Ooh, all right. L'chaim! Mazel tov! Next year in Jerusalem! Frasier: Take it down a notch, Tevye. Martin enters. Martin: Hey Fras', you know, since it's the night before... Frasier/Niles: Dad! Martin notices guests. Martin: Oh, great, would it be a crime for somebody to tell me we had guests here? [to the women] Hi, I'm Marty Crane. I'm Frasier's dad. Although you'd never guess it from the way I'm treated like a second-class citizen around here. [sarcastic] But as long as Frasier's happy, why should my feelings matter? Martin exits to the kitchen. Frasier: Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen? Niles: Oh all right, but he'll probably just kvetch at me and frankly I don't need that tsuris. [gives a "how's that?" smile] Frasier: Niles! With his back turned to Faye & Helen, Frasier mouths, "HALF THAT!" Niles exits to the kitchen as Frasier gives the women a wry smile. [N.B. Yiddish: "complain" and "agonies."] Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Martin complains to Niles. Martin: I don't know how to be Jewish. Niles: Well, just answer questions with a question. Martin: Like what? Niles: What, I have to explain everything? Martin: Can't you give me an example? Niles: What, I should give you an example? Martin: Are you going to help me or not? Niles: You're saying I'm not being helpful? Martin: Oh, forget it! Martin and Niles enter the living room. Helen: So, Marty, both your sons are doctors. How'd you work that out? Martin: I've no idea. [then] Do I? Everyone looks at each other. Daphne enters with costumes. Helen begins to dial on her mobile. Daphne: Well, I just got the phone call every producer dreads. Niles: What is it? Daphne: Someone's dropping out of the show. She goes to the door, then stops and turns around. Daphne: You don't suppose you could take over one of the roles? Niles: Well, I don't see why not, I know all the songs. Daphne: Wonderful. Niles: [to ladies] Well, it was nice meeting you both. Faye: Likewise. We're leaving too. Could you send the elevator back up, we'll be right down. Niles: Happy to. So, who dropped out? Daphne: Mr. Blanchard. Niles: Oy! Daphne and Niles exit the apartment. Frasier: Well, you know, it's been great spending some time with the two of you, I wish you could stay longer. Helen: [puts mobile down] Well, actually we can. I just called the airline. The plane is delayed an hour. Frasier: Well, isn't that good news? Helen: You know, I hate to be forward but I'd love to taste whatever smells so wonderful in that kitchen. Frasier: And I would love to give you a taste, except it isn't done yet. The cooker beeps done. Frasier: Well, more good news! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Faye and Frasier are in the kitchen talking about the farce. Frasier: I don't know how much longer we can continue this charade. My God, when Dad started talking about working on his own car I thought we were goners! Faye: Well, we only have to keep it up for another half an hour... actually I think I have an idea. Frasier: Really? Faye: Go out there. Frasier: Okay. Frasier exits and the camera resets to the living room. Faye and Martin are waiting. Frasier: Well, I don't know what it is with that brisket, it just won't cook through. Helen: I could take a look. Faye: [enters] No, no, we don't have the time. I just got off the phone with the airlines, they pushed the flights back up so we really have to get going. Helen: Oh, really? Well, all right. Frasier: Gosh, I wish you could stay longer, it's just I'd hate to have you late for your plane. Frasier opens the door for them to go - however the man from the department store is there with the Christmas tree. Deliverer: Hello, sir- Frasier quickly shuts the door. Frasier: On the other hand, I can't leave until you've seen the apartment, all right? Faye: What? Frasier: Let's start with the bedroom. There's plenty of time. There's a knock at the door. Frasier: Oh, Dad, could you see who it is and make sure they come back later? Martin: Whatever you want, Frasier, as usual. Frasier, Faye and Helen go to Frasier's room. Martin answers the door to the deliverer. Deliverer: Hello sir, and let me wish you a merry... Martin: Shush, shush, bring that thing back in about an hour. Deliverer: No way sir, it's Christmas Eve, I've got a full truck downstairs. So where do you want it? Martin: Oh Jeez, I don't know. Deliverer: You know, a lot of people put them in their living room. Martin: [opens powder room] Here, here put it in the bathroom. Deliverer: The bathroom? Martin: Just put it in, all right? Deliverer: Okay, I've done some crazy things... Martin, the deliverer and the tree are taken into the powder room and they shut the door behind them. Then the front door opens. It is Niles dressed in his Jesus costume. Niles has a cold and is searching for his nasal spray. He goes into the kitchen. Martin then looks out of the powder room. Martin: All right, come on, quick. Deliverer: Okay. Well, have a, you know- Martin: Shut up, get out. Martin pushes him out of the apartment before shutting the powder room door, leaving the tree in there. Then, the Moskowitzes and Frasier enter. Helen: That's a beautiful bedroom, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, thank you, thank you very much. Helen: [to Faye] I noticed you were sort of quiet, Faye, almost as though you've been in there before. Faye: [sarcastic] Oh yeah, I have, Ma, but I was drunk and it was dark: I don't remember so much! Helen: [to Martin] You see how she talks to her mother? Oy! At that moment Niles dressed as Jesus walks out of the kitchen. Helen cannot see him as her back is turned, however Faye and Frasier notice him. Frasier: Jesus! Niles hurries back into the kitchen. Frasier: I'll tell you what, I just realized you haven't seen the beautiful balcony. Dad, would you do the honors and I'll check on the brisket? Martin, Helen and Faye go onto the balcony. Meanwhile, Frasier meets Niles in the kitchen. Frasier: What is going on? Niles: The man who is supposed to do the number from "Jesus Christ Superstar" - he couldn't go on. He slipped in the shower; the man who could walk on water, but... Frasier: Yes, yes, it's dripping with irony! Niles, what are you doing here? Niles: Well, the minute I got within ten feet of the hay for the manger scene, my allergies kicked in. I think I left my nasal spray here somewhere. Frasier: I am terribly sorry to tell you this, but you've got to get the hell out of here. Niles: I don't think that kind of language is appropriate. Frasier: Oh, just shut up! Frasier exits the kitchen and enters the balcony: Frasier: Would you believe it, it's still pink in the middle. By the time my brisket's done my kugel will be dry as the Sinai. Niles begins to leave the apartment. However, on the way out he spots the powder room. He opens it and finds his nasal spray. However, when he tries to get out he realizes that the Moskowitzes, Frasier and Martin are coming in from the balcony. Niles hides back in the powder room. Helen: It certainly is beautiful, but now I think we're cutting it close. Frasier: Yes, you know, you're quite right. We can continue the tour at another time. Let me walk you to the door. Helen: Thank you so much, Frasier, you're wonderful. You know, maybe I should go to the powder room before we go. Frasier: Oh yes, allow me. Frasier opens the powder room door. Because of this he is behind the door and cannot see the scene he has uncovered. We see Niles, dressed as Jesus, using his nasal spray in front of the Christmas tree. Talk about incriminating. Faye, Helen and Martin just stare. Frasier looks over the door, yells and shuts the door. Helen: What is going on? Frasier: Helen, I am so terribly sorry. Niles knocks on the powder room door. Frasier opens it and Niles enters. Niles: I'll let you all sort this out, I really have to go. Helen: I understand, this is your busy time. Niles exits via the front door. Faye: Ma, Frasier's not Jewish. I told them to pretend so you wouldn't freak out. Helen: What? Well, I... you think I care, you can date anyone you want! Faye: Since when? Helen: I can't believe you're embarrassing me like this. Faye: You embarrass me on an hourly basis! Helen: I embarrass you?! [to Frasier] Are you hearing this? Frasier: You know, maybe we should just give you your privacy... Helen: No one leaves! [to Faye] You see, you are making them uncomfortable in their own home. You could have trusted me to understand. All I want is for you to be happy. Faye: As long as I'm happy in the life that you pick out for me! Helen: Excuse me for being a terrible mother, all I do is care! Faye: Oh, here it comes, the guilt! Just because I don't want you controlling my whole life... Helen: So what do you want me to do about it, cut myself out of it?! You hate me?! Faye: Sometimes I DO hate you! Faye gasps and covers her mouth, realizing what she has said. Helen does the same. They begin crying. Faye: I'm sorry Ma, I shouldn't have said that. Helen: Why not? I am too involved. It's because you're all I have. Faye: But you can't keep running my life. Frasier: Maybe we should just... Helen: Sit! We're nearly done. Frasier and Martin do and look at each other with amazement. Helen: I have been smothering you. Maybe it's time I learned to let you go. Faye: I don't want to be let go. I want you in my life - just not running it. I do love you, mom. Helen: Oh, baby, I love you too. Helen and Faye hug crying... and then suddenly: Faye: Well, we should go. Helen: Right. They go to the door. Helen: Oh, thank you for a lovely visit. Enjoy your holiday. Helen exits. Faye: I am so sorry about all this. Frasier: That's all right, that's all right. [hugs her] Call me when you get back. Faye exits. Frasier: Good night. [closes door] Martin: Boy, that was something. Frasier: It certainly was. You know, we've had a couple of squabbles today, but nothing like that. Martin: No way! [laughs] Frasier: Well, maybe I should get that Christmas tree out of the bathroom. Frasier gets the tree. Martin: One minute they're talking about one little problem; then suddenly it's everything else. Then it gets all emotional and messy and then they're hugging and then it's all over. Frasier has now put the tree in its place. Frasier: You know, I suppose that's the healthiest way to go about it, huh, Dad? Martin: Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't keep that stuff bottled up. Frasier: No, if you sit on it, you'll just get madder and madder. Martin: Yeah, best thing is to just lay it on the line! Frasier: Exactly. Pause. As the following progresses, they get louder and louder. Martin: Frasier, I want my Rudolph out for Christmas. Frasier: What, this again? Martin: It's just not Christmas without it! Frasier: Dad, we had an agreement about the Christmas decorations this year. Martin: Yeah, but your Christmas stinks. I mean, do you call that a tree? Frasier: You know, would it kill you to have a tasteful Christmas just once in your life? Every year we do Christmas your way. Martin: And you have things your way every damn day! I mean look at it, there's nothing of mine around this place except for my chair and you've taken pot shots at that right from the start because it doesn't fit in with your frou-frou knick- knacks! Frasier: Oh that's right, Dad, go ahead, ridicule everything I do: the way I eat, the way I decorate. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Martin: Do you know how it makes me feel to live like a guest in my own home? Frasier: Dad, I do everything I can to make you feel welcome in this house, but nothing I ever do is good enough! Martin: A strange way of making me feel welcome: taking Christmas away from me - the one time of the year when I get to do things my way! Like it used to be in our home, with your mother and when you were kids! You know, that's a nice memory for me, you'd think as a psychiatrist you'd figure that out! Frasier: Fine, I'm not even a good psychiatrist! I guess I'm just a big fat let-down, aren't I?! Martin: And I'm just a burden to you, AND I HATE LIVING HERE! Frasier: AND I HATE YOU LIVING HERE! Similar to Faye and Helen, Martin and Frasier realize what they said. They begin crying. Frasier: Oh my God. Martin: Oh, Jeez. Frasier: Oh God, I feel terrible. Martin: So do I. They were hugging by now! Frasier: We never should have tried this, we're not Jewish. Martin: Maybe Mrs. Shapiro next door can talk us through it? Frasier: She's out of town. Martin: Oh, no. [cries] I'm sorry, I never should have said what I said. Frasier: Oh Dad, no, I should have been more sensitive. I am a psychiatrist. Martin: And you're a damned good one too, and I'm very proud of you. Frasier: Really? Martin: Yes. Frasier: Oh Dad, I didn't mean any of the things I said. I love having you here. Martin: I love being here. I always have. Frasier: Honestly? Martin: Well, no, but I thought it would get us to the hug! Frasier: All right, let's try. Frasier and Martin hug whilst still tearful. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier's Apartment - The apartment is fully decorated. Rudolph is above the fire with his nose flashing. There is tinsel around the place. We then see the Christmas tree: a large one covered in lots of decoration. We also see milk and cookies on the side which Eddie eats, whilst dressed in his Christmas Santa costume.

Christmas is approaching, and while out shopping with Roz and looking for a menorah for his son, Frasier makes a covert attempt to purchase a sweater for Roz. Just before she realises, another woman steps in and rescues Frasier by pretending that she is buying it. She recognises him from the radio, and when he offers his thanks and asks if he can return the kindness, she suggests a date with her daughter, Faye. When it transpires that Faye and Helen thought Frasier was Jewish, he must maintain the pretense to avoid offending Helen.

fd_Alias_02x02

fd_Alias_02x02_0

(Middle of a rainy night. Numerous cars drive up. We are at the Operations Center, US Joint Task Force Intelligence. Officers aim their guns as more cars drive up, including one van. The van comes to a stop and the officers point their guns at the back door. They open the doors and climb in. They remove the handcuffs and chains holding Irina down. She has a smug smile on her face as they lead her to her cell, handcuffed with ankle irons, underground.) (Upstairs, Kendall picks up the phone.) KENDALL: Yeah. On my way. (At her cell, Kendall approaches.) KENDALL: I'm Assistant Director Kendall. I'm told you want to cooperate. (The next morning, the doorbell rings at Francie and Sydney's.) FRANCIE: Hey, Mr. Bristow, come on in. (He does, looking around a bit.) FRANCIE: Let me ask you a question. Let's say you're hanging out at your favorite restaurant, with your friends-- (She stops and he kind of gives her a look because everyone knows he has no friends, only enemies.) FRANCIE: ...Or whatever. You like to go there, you like the food, what color are the walls? (She shows him three color samples: an array of yellows, reds, and blues.) JACK: I'm... not really into interior decorating. FRANCIE: I'll get Syd. (In the bathroom, Sydney bandages her shoulder.) FRANCIE: (knocks) Syd, your dad's here! SYDNEY: Okay, I'll be right out. (Back in the kitchen/living room.) JACK: You know, to the Vietnamese and Chinese, the color white means death and bad fortune. (pause) Try red. FRANCIE: Really. SYDNEY: Hi. (Jack nods.) SYDNEY: Will's sentencing is at two, I'll meet you there? FRANCIE: Yeah. (to Jack) Did you hear about Will? The story he made up, he was high the whole time. JACK: Yes. I saw it on the news. Unfortunate. FRANCIE: You know what I want to do to the guys who introduced Will to heroin? I want to kill him. With my hands. I just want to kill him. JACK: I can imagine. FRANCIE: See you at the courthouse. (to Jack) And I'm going to go buy some red paint. (She leaves.) JACK: I thought you'd want to know... Your mother's transfer is complete. She's being held at a joint task force facility downtown. SYDNEY: The idea that the CIA is willing to work with Irina Derevko is insane. JACK: Worse, it's naive. Your mother didn't just conveniently turn herself in. This is all part of the manipulation. SYDNEY: Well, she's their problem now. She's not yours. And she's not mine. (When putting on her jacket, she winces a little bit.) JACK: You... okay? SYDNEY: My shoulder's healing, if that's what you mean. JACK: It's not, actually. (Pause.) SYDNEY: Thanks for asking. I'm fine. I don't support the death penalty, but I hope she dies for all that she's done. I really do. (London, Alliance headquarters. All the important faces are there.) RAMOND: Arvin Sloane is a man of integrity and courage. As the head of SD-6 he brilliantly executed Alliance policy, helping to slowly and invisibly seize control of world markets, governments and technology. Now, as the newest full partner of the Alliance, I feel confident that he will play a major part in shaping that policy for years to come. I speak for everyone when I offer you my condolences on the passing of your wife. SLOANE: Thank you. RAMOND: We respect and admire your willingness to do what was necessary inthat matter. CHRISTOPHE: You have been made aware of the initiation procedure? SLOANE: I have. CHRISTOPHE: And the reasons for it? SLOANE: Yes. (The head of security takes a syringe, a yellowish liquid and loads the syringe into a shooter. Could be truth serum, could be something entirely different. He injects Sloane in the neck.) RAMOND: Welcome to the Alliance. (Everyone claps.) (Self-storage facility with Vaughn and Sydney.) SYDNEY: Sloane got back from London last night. A full partner in the Alliance. Emily knew the truth. Her death, his immediately being let in, I'm confident he killed his wife to get that seat. VAUGHN: Killing his wife wouldn't surprise me. Eating his wife wouldn't surprise me. SYDNEY: SD-6 and the Alliance believe that my mother's in hiding. And they know that Khasinau is dead, and they're correct to assume that what's left of her organization is vulnerable. The Alliance wants whatever assets they can get their hands on. VAUGHN: So where are they starting? SYDNEY: My mother used blackmail. Extensively. In running her operation, she would get dirt on people - powerful and important people - and coerce them into doing whatever she needed. Pornographic photographs, illegally obtained audio files, names, dates, they're all on one computer disk. VAUGHN: So what does the Alliance want? The dirt? SYDNEY: To hear Sloane tell it, it's all about God and country. (Flachback to briefing in the conference room.) SLOANE: It is our obligation to do whatever we can to retrieve the disk. Now, what you're looking at is the El Sebka hotel in Rabat. JACK: A Derevko operative named Mohammed Naj lives and works out of the fourth floor. SLOANE: Early last week the blackmail disk in question was taken to a vault at that location. The operation is simple: break into the vault, retrieve the disk. (Back at self-storage.) SYDNEY: My flight's at six. VAUGHN: We'll make contact with a countermission no later than three. SYDNEY: Okay. How's Weiss? (Vaughn's cell rings.) VAUGHN: He's still in the hospital, but the doctors say he's going to be okay. And until then, I've got to feed his fish. (answers phone) Yeah. Yes, let him through. (hangs up) It's Kendall. SYDNEY: What does he want? VAUGHN: I don't know. SYDNEY: I don't trust him. VAUGHN: We have to hear him out. SYDNEY: Hear him out? He arrested me. VAUGHN: He's in control of the operation. SYDNEY: He thought I was the devil! (Kendall walks in.) KENDALL: Mr. Vaughn. Agent Bristow. VAUGHN: Did you clear this meeting through Devlin? KENDALL: No, I'm sorry. I don't have time to go through channels. There's been an interesting development regarding your mother. As you know, she surrendered to the CIA and claims to want to cooperate. SYDNEY: So she's handed over her agency's operations manual? The Bible? KENDALL: No. And she won't talk about it. She won't talk to us about anything. SYDNEY: Then as far as I'm concerned, that's the end of the story. KENDALL: Well, that's the interesting development. It seems that the only person she's willing to talk to is you. SYDNEY: Then you're out of luck. KENDALL: I'm afraid you're going to have to talk to-- VAUGHN: Excuse me, you can't compel Agent Bristow-- KENDALL: That's exactly what I can do! SYDNEY: (to Vaughn) Are we through? KENDALL: Miss Bristow, I don't have to remind you that this is a matter of national security, do I? VAUGHN: (to Sydney, smiling) Yeah. We're through. SYDNEY: (to Vaughn) I'll wait to hear from you. (She walks out.) KENDALL: Just so we're clear, Mr. Vaughn, I know all about your participation in busting Agent Bristow out of federal custody. Convince her to talk to her mother, or face charges of obstructing justice and harboring a fugitive. (He starts to walk out.) VAUGHN: Guess it's two-for-one day on blackmail. (Courthouse hearing. Sydney and Francie are sitting back behind where Will is standing before the judge, dressed in a suit.) JUDGE: So, Mr. uhh... Tippin. Do you understand what you're being accused of here today? WILL: Yes, Your Honor. I do. JUDGE: Felony charge of heroin possession, misdemeanor count of being under the influence of a controlled substance. How are you pleading? WILL: Guilty. JUDGE: Under proposition thirty-six, you are to receive probation and are hereby ordered to complete a certified drug treatment program. In addition, you must complete one hundred hours of community service. Fail to meet any of these requirements, and you will serve time. (Self-storage. Sydney and Vaughn meet about the countermission. He gives her a necklace to wear.) VAUGHN: It's a subvocal mike, with it, we can hear what's going on between you and Dixon at all times. And as soon as you can, I want you to go radio silent with him so you and I can talk. SYDNEY: Call waiting for spies. VAUGHN: Yeah. Now, the blackmail disk is in Naj's suite on the fourth floor. As soon as you get it, you'll deliver it to this man. (shows a picture) Richard Schmidt, he's working under a diplomatic cover at the Rabat embassy. He'll be waiting for you on the third floor. Now, Sloane is obviously looking for something specific. We don't know what. Schmidt will scan the disk, analyze what's on it, and spit up a bogus copy that's close enough to the original to fool Sloane. That's the disk you'll deliver to SD-6. SYDNEY: Okay. VAUGHN: Or... you could ask your mother about the contents of the disk. (Pause.) SYDNEY: Kendall must really be putting on the pressure for you to ask me that. VAUGHN: Yeah, he is. But I've been thinking about it myself. Syd, you're good atthis. I mean, this is what you're trained for -- compartmentalizing your emotions. You do it on every mission. You do it with Sloane. SYDNEY: This isn't the same. VAUGHN: Syd, I would never force you to do this. I would never make this an official request, but I also know what you want more than anything is to destroy SD-6 and bring an end to the Alliance. And if she can help us, then why not use her? SYDNEY: Because I can't. Because I won't. Maybe you could shut down with her. I couldn't. I'll talk to you from Rabat. (Hurt that he asked, she leaves.) (At the joint task force building, Vaughn and Kendall talk in front of a monitor that shows the camera in Irina's cell.) VAUGHN: I spoke with Agent Bristow and she has no intention of speaking with her mother. KENDALL: Mr. Vaughn-- VAUGHN: Yes, sir, it's unacceptable, but let me remind you you're asking a woman to go face-to-face-- KENDALL: You don't need to remind me of anything. VAUGHN: --With the woman who abandoned Sydney as a girl. KENDALL: I know the story. And I know you have your own issues. VAUGHN: Yes, I have my own issues with her-- KENDALL: I read the report. VAUGHN: Mr. Kendall, Irina Derevko shot Syd. KENDALL: Yes, she shot Syd. VAUGHN: Point blank range. She could've killed her! KENDALL: But didn't kill her. Did not. (Vaughn sighs. They look at the monitor where Irina walks around her cell, bored.) KENDALL: That woman, forty-eight hours ago, was one hundred per cent bad news. But now she's ours and there is just a chance, Mr. Vaughn, that she has turned. VAUGHN: When she got done with my father, he could only be identified by his dental records. KENDALL: Yes. Nevertheless, she headed up an organization that controlled people who influenced policy decisions at NATO, the U.N., the World Bank. Even with all our resources, the CIA doesn't know the full scope of her operation. The key players, their methods, acquisitions, ambitions... VAUGHN: If I can get her to talk, I don't want you to ask Sydney to see her ever again. KENDALL: Well, I'm not going to make that promise. VAUGHN: You're not the easiest guy to work with, are you? KENDALL: No. No, definitely not. (In Rabat, at the hotel, Dixon sits in the lobby and waits. The telephone rings and he goes into the phone booth to answer it. Once he's inside, he talks to Sydney and gets out a laptop.) DIXON: I have a twenty on Naj and his bodyguard. SYDNEY: (off camera) Okay, I'm coming in. DIXON: Okay, Syd. We're on. Syd, you close? SYDNEY: (off camera) I'm right behind you. (He smiles and looks out the booth. She walks in all glamorous and tucks her hair behind her ear.) DIXON: You know, you always do that. SYDNEY: What? DIXON: What you just did with your hair. It's your thing. SYDNEY: I don't have a thing! DIXON: It is. It's your thing. (Sydney approaches the desk of the hotel and Dixon starts typing.) SYDNEY: (heavy Italian accent) If the rest of the hotel is like this, sara perfecto! HOTEL GUY: And how may I help you? SYDNEY: My name is Betricia Cunelli. Mio marito Silvio and I are in town for three months while I recover from a ridiculo jet skiing accident off the coast of Mallorca. Precendente travel agent book us into the Daram which turns out to be total (speaks Italian that I couldn't make out). Now that I see this, I call Silvio and tell him bring the bags right over. HOTEL GUY: Your... bags. SYDNEY: We were at a cocktail party lastnight and the Consul General said that he simply raves about this place. Naturally I called and booked a suite immediante. (Dixon takes out someone's name from the reservation database and types in Silvio Cunelli.) HOTEL GUY: There must be some mistake made. We are completely full. SYDNEY: Do me a favor, darling. Check for me? Betricia Cunelli. HOTEL GUY: Yes, of course, but I'm pretty sure it's-- (He looks and thanks to Dixon...) HOTEL GUY: (confused) ...Reservation for Mr. and Mrs. Cunelli. SYDNEY: I hope it's a room with a view. (The hotel guy leads Sydney into the elevator to bring her to her room. The doors close and we hear a punching sound.) HOTEL GUY: Ugh! SYDNEY: (off camera) All right, I've got the key to Naj's suite. I'm on my way. (Vaughn is led underground, Clarice meeting Hannibal style, to Irina's cell. He walks slowly to the end of the hallway and approaches. As soon as she sees him, she comes close to the glass like a cat waiting for its next treat. She makes eye contact and never breaks it, staring right at him. He looks at her and then quickly looks away, down at the ground.) VAUGHN: I'm interested in a computer disk containing information used for blackmail. We believe you're familiar with this item. (She says nothing. Keeps looking right at him.) VAUGHN: That's an implied question, I'll make it clear for you. Are you familiar with this item? (She says nothing. Keeps looking right at him. Vaughn takes out the trump card.) VAUGHN: I know you want to see your daughter. I can guarantee you that is never going to happen unless she knows you're cooperating. Prove yourself. Give Sydney a reason to see you. IRINA: "Sydney"? Interesting. VAUGHN: Agent Bristow is in Rabat now seeking to recover the list. Is there anything she should know? IRINA: Next to the safe there's a fire alarm. If you want to protect her, tell her to pull it first then open the safe. VAUGHN: Why? IRINA: I've given you a gift and all you get from me... is one. (Vaughn walks away, down the hall. He doesn't get too far before Irina speaks to his back.) IRINA: You look just like him. (He stops dead in his tracks and then talks to the guard.) VAUGHN: I'm... through with the prisoner. (She stares at him as he leaves. He glances over his shoulder back at her and then runs away with his tail between his legs.) (Sydney walks in the suite and looks around. She starts waving something in the air and it crackles.) MARSHALL: (VO) To find the safe, you're going to need this. (Flashback to meeting with Dixon and Sydney in Marshall's office. He shows them the device.) MARSHALL: Now, it looks like just a normal metal detector. Well, it is. That's right, we're going old school on this one. (In the suite, the metal detector beeps. She's found it.) (Back at the meeting.) MARSHALL: Now, the safe is a Waldrasen. It's an original. I mean, the craftmanship is incredible, which, lucky for you, the same can be said about this. Now you know the stethoscopes that outlaws would use to rob banks back in the horses and the guns and the carri--? Well, I studied how those work, being a bit of an outlaw myself. Uh, basically, this is a superamplified version of that. (The new stethoscope he's designed looks like a cone collar you'd put on your dog, only much smaller, and metal. Sydney slips it over the dial of the safe.) MARSHALL: (VO) Now you just place this over the dial. (Back at the meeting, he holds up a cell phone.) MARSHALL: This part right there... and you type in 793 793. That spells "Syd" in case you forget. 793 'cause on the phone and the numbers and the letters. You know that. (In the suite, Sydney types it in.) MARSHALL: And basically, this will do the rest for you. (At the CIA offices, Vaughn walks down the hall and enters the communications base for the operation. Kendall stands around with his headset on, listening in and supervising.) VAUGHN: I need to talk to Agent Bristow. AGENT: She's not radio silent. If we try to communicate, her SD-6 partner could hear us. VAUGHN: Yeah, and if we don't, she could trigger the alarm. (In the suite, Sydney activates the cell and waits as the numbers change, getting the combination for the lock.) (Back in Marshall's office.) MARSHALL: The locking mechanism is a set of wheels. The trick is to line up each notch with contact points. Now, once each notch is lined up, part of the combination will appear. Now when they all line up, the lock will open. (He makes an opening gesture with his fingers.) (In the suite, most of the numbers have been identified on the screen of the phone.) SYDNEY: We're almost there. Going radio silent. DIXON: Just be careful. (At the comm base.) VAUGHN: Now. AGENT: Freelancer, this is boot camp. Do you copy? SYDNEY: Go ahead, boot camp. VAUGHN: Sydney, do not open the safe! SYDNEY: What? VAUGHN: Is there a fire alarm on the wall? (Sydney looks around and finds it.) SYDNEY: Yes. VAUGHN: Okay, listen to me. It's a failsafe. Do not open the safe until after you pull the alarm. SYDNEY: We had no intel on a failsafe. Where'd you get this information? KENDALL: Vaughn spoke with your mother. The intel came from her. It's her disk. She's familiar with the vault. If there's a failsafe on it, she's gonna know. SYDNEY: And what if there's not? I'm just supposed to pull the fire alarm? VAUGHN: No, Sydney, I know this sounds crazy but I think it's for real. SYDNEY: Vaughn, she wants me dead. KENDALL: If that were true, Agent Bristow, she would have killed you in Barcelona. SYDNEY: Did you talk to my father about this? VAUGHN: Two minutes ago on the phone while we were waiting for you to go radio silent. SYDNEY: What did he say? VAUGHN: Your dad? (Jack is sitting in his car talking on his cell with Vaughn at the base talking on a phone.) JACK: The answer is NO! VAUGHN: All I am asking is that you consider it! JACK: CONSIDER the SOURCE! VAUGHN: I don't need to be lectured on what we're dealing with! JACK: This woman is NOT to be trusted! VAUGHN: Jack, listen to me-- JACK: Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES dicuss this with my daughter! (Back to the present.) VAUGHN: Respectfully Syd, I don't think your father can think clearly where your mother is concerned. SYDNEY: And you can? VAUGHN: I'm trying and she has nothing to gain by lying. KENDALL: Miss Bristow, I want you to pull that fire alarm. (She looks at it. The numbers are almost all changed, the lock is soon opened.) VAUGHN: Sydney... I'd do it. (She puts her finger on the alarm, ready to pull it.) KENDALL: Agent Bristow, pull that alarm! (She's about to. Kendall and Vaughn exchange glances. Sydney doesn't do it. The lock is finished and she opens the safe. Nothing.) SYDNEY: See what I mean? (An alarm starts to wail loudly. Kendall and Vaughn listen until Sydney switches back to Dixon.) SYDNEY: Dixon, I've tripped some kind of alarm. What do you see? [SCENE_BREAK] (Dixon peeks out the door of the telephone booth as Naj and another man go into the elevator.) DIXON: Naj and his bodyguard are on their way up. You just look for the disk, I'll handle Naj. (On his laptop, he initiates the system lockdown. Naj and his bodyguard are on the elevator when it suddenly stops. Inside the suite, Sydney gets the disk when a man enters and shouts something. She turns and beats him up with the cane she was carrying as part of her costume. She hits him in the knees with it to make him fall to the ground. Another man comes in and they exchange blows with Sydney elbowing him in the face. With the two men on the ground, Sydney starts to leave. She clicks over to the CIA.) SYDNEY: This is Freelancer, I've got the blackmail disk. RICHARD SCHMIDT: What's your position, Freelancer? SYDNEY: Leaving the suite, heading for the stairs. RICHARD SCHMIDT: On my way. KENDALL: They got it. (Schmidt walks towards Sydney. She smiles in relief. He puts out his hand when Dixon comes down the stairs and walks in front of Schmidt.) DIXON: Do you have it? (Sydney watches as Schmidt turns and goes up the stairs instead.) DIXON: Syd, do you have the disk? SYDNEY: Yes. DIXON: Okay. (They take the elevator.) KENDALL: What happened? Did you get it? SCHMIDT: Negative. KENDALL: What? SCHMIDT: I repeat, the disk was not transferred. (Down in the lobby.) DIXON: Satellite feed is up. Sloane wants the information ASAP. Good job, Syd. (Back in Los Angeles, in Sloane's office, he speaks on the phone.) SLOANE: Alain, Arvin. Yeah, I thought you shouldknow that SD-6 is in possession of the blackmail disk. Thank you. And more good news. You know the gentleman we discussed, Peter Fordson. Well we now have information on him. Photographs. No... of his daughter. Apparently, he's willing to pay a high price to keep them private. Well, if you saw them you'd know why. I leave for Helsinki tonight. I'm seeing Fordson myself. (hangs up) (Self-storage.) SYDNEY: I want to talk to my mother. I hate her. I don't understand her. I think she's a monster. But if she can help us bring an end to SD-6 then what I think is irrelevant. VAUGHN: I'm not so sure. SYDNEY: What? VAUGHN: I-I've been thinking about it. I'm not certain that's a good idea. SYDNEY: Is this about my father? VAUGHN: He has a point. SYDNEY: You said yourself he can't think clearly where she is concerned. VAUGHN: That woman has an agenda. SYDNEY: Vaughn, I screwed up! VAUGHN: I wouldn't be so quick to trust her. SYDNEY: If I'd listened to her-- VAUGHN: We don't know what she's after. SYDNEY: --We'd have the disk right now. All I know is she offered good intel and I didn't choose to use it. Now SD-6 has the blackmail disk. We don't know what they want with it, but they've got it, we don't, and it's my fault. VAUGHN: I know I'm the one who tried to convince you to see your mother. To be unemotional with her. I thought I could do it, see her and be as cold-blooded as she is. It's hard to explain, what it feels like, sitting across from her--what she did to my family, to my father. But she's your mother, Sydney. With all she's done, she is your mother. SYDNEY: Vaughn, if you're worried about me... you don't need to be. (At SD-6, the elevator doors open and Sydney enters the white room. She pauses in the center of the room and it illuminates red. She blinks a few times at the bright flash. Inside Sloane's office, she sits in front of his desk.) SLOANE: I called you in to say thank you. We now have the disk and it's because of you. SYDNEY: What was on it? SLOANE: Horrible things. Private moments. The disk is a collection of physical manifestations, of human weaknesses, a took that some people - that your mother - used to extract favors from those in power. Which, Sydney, is something that I wanted to talk to you about. (He gets up and sits next to her.) SLOANE: Your mother. SYDNEY: What about her? SLOANE: You saw her in Taipei. SYDNEY: Yes. SLOANE: Well... (takes her hand) I just wanted to remind you that I am here for you if you ever need to talk. SYDNEY: (smiles tightly) Thank you. (He kisses her hand lovingly.) SYDNEY: (VO) I wanted to cut off my hand. (Sydney and her father are sitting in his car in the middle of nowhere.) JACK: Did he say anything else about the blackmail disk? Why the Alliance wanted it? SYDNEY: No, I thought you'd have seen it. JACK: No. Sloane sent the disk to Alliance headquarters in London. SYDNEY: I'll see if I can find out whatever is on that disk and why it was so important. JACK: How are you going to do that? SYDNEY: I'll ask Mom. JACK: You've... agreed to see her. SYDNEY: Yes. JACK: Sydney, she is the enemy. SYDNEY: And so is Sloane. And if the devil herself wants to help me bring him down, fine by me. JACK: She has never been interested in helping you. SYDNEY: She told me to pull the alarm. JACK: Yes, and for all you know, that could've made things worse. Sydney, you're smarter than this. Your mother wants you to think she's your ally. That she can help you get what you want. Her intel might even be accurate once, twice, but the minute you start depending on her, she will gut you. (On the side of the road, Will wears a bright orange jumpsuit and picks up garbage with other jumpsuit clad people.) (Later at Francie and Sydney's, Will sits down with Francie at the table for a drink. Will's face is a giant tomato.) FRANCIE: Will, what happened to your face? WILL: You know the one thing they don't tell you about doing community service? Sunblock. FRANCIE: Ohhh, buddy. How'd it go? WILL: Oh, hanging out with a bunch of fellow drug addicts picking up copies of the newspaper I used to write for with a stick? It is not good. Oh, I saw you at the gas station over on National with some guy. Dark suit, fifty. FRANCIE: Oh, um... that was the liquor license guy. WILL: Well, wait a minute, like a mafia guy? FRANCIE: Yeah, kind of. WILL: Francie. FRANCIE: It's just going to take me six months to get a legitimate liquor license! WILL: So you're hanging out with the Gambino crime family and you're giving me grief about doing drugs? FRANCIE: Oh, it's so not the same thing. WILL: No, it's not. You're involved with organized crime. It's totally different. FRANCIE: You have no idea what it takes to start a restaurant. I have to deal with contractors and sub contractors and-- WILL: I know, I know, I used to write at the metro desk. I wrote, like, two dozen pieces on restaurants. Healh departments, ratings, code requirements... FRANCIE: I just need a liquor license. WILL: No, no, no, what you need is someone who knows how the system works. Someone who can help you navigate. What you need is me. You know, former drug addict reporter... and sometimes lobster impersonator. (They laugh.) WILL: I'll help you out. (On a bright and sunny afternoon, Sydney jogs through a park.) VAUGHN: (VO) To get to the facility where your mother is being held, you'll go through a secret entrance. Start at the southwest corner of Riverside Park. Head east until you pass a homeless man sitting in front of a statue. He'll have a sign indicating he's a Vietnam vet. He'll have a cup. Drop a coin in it. (Sydney does so.) HOMELESS MAN: Freelancer requesting covert entry. (Sydney jogs on.) (In a control room, various monitors are set up.) AGENT1: Copy that. Routing her in. (Sydney jogs down a sidwalk.) VAUGHN: (VO) At Riverside, turn left. The traffic camera will identify if you're being visually or electronically tracked. (Sydney looks up at the traffic camera briefly and continues on.) (In the control room, Sydney jogs on their monitors. Tracking for surveillance.) AGENT1: She's clean. (Sydney approaches an underpass.) VAUGHN: (VO) In the underpass beneath the 134, there's an emergency phone. It's out of order. If it's ringing you've been cleared of all surveillance. (It's ringing. Sydney stops in front of it.) (Flashback to a meeting at the self-storage building with Vaughn. At this point of the directions, he gives her a small card.) VAUGHN: This is a series of three-digit codes. Memorize them. They rotate weekly. (Sydney starts punching in numbers on the phonepad.) VAUGHN: (VO) After the phonerings, enter the appropriate code. In front of you there's an industrial shipping container. On the back side, a door will unlock. You'll go down a steep set of stairs through a series of checkpoints. (Sydney goes inside and then opens another door once down there. She walks in.) VAUGHN: (VO) And a quarter mile later you'll be at the operations center. (Sydney walks in and looks around at everything. A short redhead comes up to her.) VICKI: Agent Bristow, Vicki Crane. Right this way. (She takes her over to Kendall.) VICKI: Mr. Kendall. KENDALL: I'm glad you changed your mind. (Downstairs, Sydney begins the Clarice walk past guards. The guard escorting her presses his hand against a print sensitive control panel. Sydney walks down the hall and approaches her mom's cell. She stands in front of the glass. Her mom is at the back of the cell, turns and sees Sydney.) IRINA: You didn't pull the alarm. (Sydney looks down. Irina walks up to the glass.) IRINA: I wouldn't have pulled it either. SYDNEY: We need to know who and what is on the disk. (Sydney watches, wide eyed, as Irina tucks her hair behind her ear, doing Sydney's "thing.") IRINA: How's your shoulder? SYDNEY: The disk. IRINA: Peter Fordson. SYDNEY: Who? IRINA: Peter Fordson. (Sydney writes it down.) IRINA: He has a file on the disk. He's the man SD-6 will go after first. SYDNEY: Why? IRINA: One step at a time. SYDNEY: I need to know why. IRINA: No, you want to know why. There's a differnece. Go after Fordson. Trust me. SYDNEY: Why should I do that? IRINA: Because I'm your mother. (Sydney's leaving with tears in her eyes. She nods to the guards on the way out, letting them know she's done. Sydney turns a corner and by herself, she breaks down and cries.) (Upstairs at the control center, everyone -- Kendall, Vaughn, Sydney, Vicki, an agent named Phillips and one of the agents from earlier -- is crowded around a computer looking at a surveillance picture of Peter Fordson.) KENDALL: Here is what we know about Fordson. He's based in Helsinki. A year ago his company contracted with the Pentagon to manufacture a terahertz wave camera. VICKI: Put in a satellite they can see into Norad undetected. KENDALL: Last month Fordson failed to make delivery, complained production problems. VAUGHN: Or produced the camera just fine but planned on delivering it to your mother. SYDNEY: So SD-6 wanted the disk to blackmail Fordson into giving them the camera. KENDALL: Phillips, get the floor plan for the Lasgrove building, any intel we've got. Crane, I want a meeting on op tech in one hour. (to Sydney) You're going to Helsinki. You're going to get that camera. (Everyone walks away. Beat.) VAUGHN: He's got a great bedside manner, huh? (In Helsinki, Sydney walks into a restaurant with a cigarette in her hand and sporting a black wig. Vaughn sits at the bar. Sydney walks past him.) VAUGHN: (via transmitter) The guards will be changing shifts in two minutes. You should be in the lab by the time they leave and have five minutes before they get back. (She walks through the restaurant and goes out on the balcony. She rips off her jacket and starts prepping the cord and slider. Inside, Sloane walks in.) VAUGHN: Syd... Sloane's here. SYDNEY: He's after the camera, too? VAUGHN: Do you want to call off the op? SYDNEY: No, we go for it. VAUGHN: Are you sure? SYDNEY: I just need a minute. (She throws the cord over the side. Inside the restaurant...) SLOANE: Mr. Fordson, Arvin Sloane. FORDSON: You Americans are persistent. I'm telling you on the phone our company is not looking for new partners and still you come all this way. VAUGHN: Syd, you ready? SYDNEY: The handbrake won't lock into place! SLOANE: Why don't we talk about it on the balcony? Shall we? VAUGHN: Syd, he's headed right towards you. SYDNEY: I'm not ready yet! (She's squeezing the brake into place but it's not budging.) VAUGHN: You better get ready. (Sloane and Fordson walk through the restaurant and are about to go on the balcony.) VAUGHN: Syd, he's going to see you. (A waiter walks by Vaughn with a tray of food. Thinking quick, he sticks out his leg and the waiter trips, falling to the ground and spilling everything on the floor. The dishes clatter and Sloane and Fordson, about the enter the balcony, look up to see the commotion. Sydney finally locks the handbrake.) SYDNEY: I'm good, thanks! (She falls over the side of the balcony and starts zooming down the side of the building on a cord. She uses the handbrake to stop, mid-air, at the right floor.) SYDNEY: I'm at fourteen! (Hanging midair, she gets closer to the fourteenth floor window.) SYDNEY: Where's Sloane? VAUGHN: With Fordson, putting on the squeeze. (Out on the balcony, Sloane gives Fordson a large envelope.) FORDSON: This is your proposal? SLOANE: No. My proposal is that we go downstairs. That you give me your T-wave camera and that I keep your daughter's deprevations our secret. Derevko's gone. You work for me now. Let's not waste time. (He opens the envelope and takes a look at the photographs. His face falls.) (On the side of the building, Sydney suction cups to the window and takes out a laser gun. She draws a circle with the laser. Sloane and Fordson walk back into the restaurant. Vaughn watches. Sydney takes out the circle of glass she cut out. The men walk to the elevator. Sydney swings herself into the building.) VAUGHN: Sloane just left. I repeat, he is on his way. (Vaughn follows down the hall to see where they're going. Downstairs on fourteen, Sydney gets to the lock on the lab and starts picking at it. Vaughn watches the elevator numbers change. In the elevator, Fordson takes a look at Sloane's bodyguard who's watching him intently. Sydney gets the lock open and goes inside the lab, starts looking for it.) SYDNEY: Found it! (She puts the camera in her bag. Meanwhile, Vaughn is watching the numbers above the elevator. They're on the eighteenth floor and descending.) VAUGHN: Syd, only four more floors to go. SYDNEY: Got it. Meet me at the extraction point. (Sydney runs out of the lab with the camera. She gets out of the lab and looks as Sloane is walking down the hall toward her. She gulps and runs to hide. Sloane approaches and they go inside the lab. Behind them, Sydney is hiding in a small part high on the wall. The lab door closes and Sydney jumps down and runs to the window where her circle is cut out. She climbs on, joins the rope to her harness and slides down to the ground. Vaughn drives up in his car.) VAUGHN: Let's go! (She climbs in and they drive off. Inside the lab, Sloane and the others see that nothing is there.) FORDSON: This is where it was, I'm telling you! SLOANE: Well if it's not here... it's somewhere. FORDSON: I don't know, I swear to God, I don't know! (The bodyguard takes out a gun with a silencer attached and shoots Fordson in the leg. He yelps and falls down, blood coming out.) FORDSON: Ahhh! SLOANE: Just think about it. Where could it be? (Back in Los Angeles, Sydney walks in the task force command center with the camera. She puts it down in front of Kendall.) SYDNEY: We're on the same side. It's time you started acting like it. (She starts to leave when Vicki runs up to her.) VICKI: Agent Bristow, hi. We had a briefing with Derevko about wave technology, what she konws about it, how it works. Two hours and your mother didn't say a single word. SYDNEY: It's Vicki, right? VICKI: Yeah. With an "i" at the end. SYDNEY: Vicki. I'm tired and I want to go home. I don't mean to be rude but if there's nothing else... VICKI: Oh, no, I'm sorry, there's nothing else, no. Except... the one thing she did ask is if someone would pass along her congratulations to you. She seemed really proud. I hope you get some rest. (Sydney tucks her hair behind her ear, doing her "thing," and goes down to the cell. She shows her pass to the guard.) SYDNEY: I want to see the prisoner. (He takes her in. Sydney walks down the corridor and comes to her mother's cell. Irina has her back turned but turns around to see her.) SYDNEY: Let's get something clear. You are not my mother. My mother was Laura Bristow. Laura Bristow died in a car accident twenty-one years ago. You are a traitor and a prisoner of the United States government. (Irina looks away, smug.) SYDNEY: Look at me! We will interact only when necessary. You will address me as "Agent Bristow" and answer only the questions I ask. There will be no personal anecdotes, no comments about my job performance, no condolences or congratulations. Do you understand me? (Her mother, as always, remains emotionless.) SYDNEY: Do you understand? IRINA: Yes... Agent Bristow. (Satisfied, Sydney turns and walks out. Irina smiles.)

Sydney must decide whether her mother's goodwill gesture was sincere or an attempt to kill her. Will witnesses Francie discussing her restaurant plans with a man whose affiliations are questionable, and Sloane is made a full partner in the malevolent Alliance of Twelve.

fd_Doctor_Who_01x04

fd_Doctor_Who_01x04_0

EXT. POWELL ESTATE The TARDIS materializes. Both Rose and the Doctor step out. The Doctor leans against the door and folds his arms. ROSE: How long have I been gone? THE DOCTOR: About 12 hours. They laugh. ROSE: Oooh! Right, I won't be long, I'm just gonna see my mum. THE DOCTOR: What're you going to tell her? ROSE: I don't know! I've been to the year 5 billion... and only been gone, what, 12 hours? The Doctor gives something between a laugh and a snort. ROSE (CONT'D): No, I'll just tell her I've spent the night at Shareens. See you later! (Walks off, turns back). Oh, don't you disappear. The Doctor gives her a look to say 'as if I would' and she runs off in the direction of the flats. He settles himself against the TARDIS to wait for her. INT. STAIRWELL Rose runs up the stairs to her flat, grinning. EXT. POWELL ESTATE The Doctor wanders around with his arms folded outside and kicks an empty bottle across the yard. He spots a poster taped to a lamppost. He walks over to it and reads the writing "Can You Help?" and sees a photograph of Rose. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, LIVING ROOM Rose opens the door to her flat. ROSE: I'm back! It was Shareen. She was all upset again. Are you in? Her mum walks out of the kitchen holding a cup of tea. ROSE (CONT'D): So, what's been going on? How've you been? Jackie looks as though she has seen a ghost. ROSE (CONT'D): What? What's that face for? It's not the first time I've stayed out all night. Jackie drops the cup of tea and it smashes on the floor. EXT. POWELL ESTATE Outside, the Doctor gets the gist of the poster and runs to the flats. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, LIVING ROOM JACKIE: It's you. ROSE: Of course it's me! JACKIE (shaken, teary): Oh, my God. It's you. Oh my God. She throws her arms around Rose, who looks alarmed. Then, over her sobbing mother's shoulder, she notices several variations of the same "Where is Rose?" poster. At that moment, the Doctor comes crashing in. THE DOCTOR It's not 12 hours, it's er... 12 months. You've been gone a whole year. He laughs apologetically while Rose and Jackie both look at him, stunned. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Sorry. Jackie looks back at Rose, stroking her hair. OPENING CREDITS EXT. POWELL ESTATE A small boy is spraying the words "Bad Wolf " onto the side of the TARDIS. He then picks up his bike and rides off. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, LIVING ROOM JACKIE (furious): The hours I've sat here. Days and weeks and months all on my own. I thought you were dead. And where were you? Travelling. What the hell does that mean? Travelling? That's no sort of answer. Rose is sitting in an armchair while Jackie is giving her all she's got. A policeman is sitting in the other armchair. JACKIE (CONT'D) (to the PC): You ask her. She won't tell me! That's all she says. Travelling. ROSE: That's what I was doing. JACKIE (gesturing furiously): When your passport's still in the drawer? It's just one lie after another! ROSE: I meant to phone, I really did, I just... I forgot. JACKIE: What, for a year? You forgot for a year? And I am left sitting here? I just don't believe you. Why won't you tell me where you've been? THE DOCTOR: Actually, it's my fault. I sort of er, employed Rose as my companion. POLICEMAN: When you say "companion", is this a sexual relationship? THE DOCTOR / ROSE: No! JACKIE (advancing dangerously on the Doctor): Then what is it? Because you, you waltz in here all charms and smiles, and the next thing I know, she vanishes off the face of the earth! How old are you then? 40? 45? What, you find her on the Internet? Did you go online and pretend you're a doctor? THE DOCTOR: I AM a Doctor! JACKIE: Prove it! Stitch this, mate. She slaps him hard around the face. The Doctor groans loudly while Rose rolls her eyes. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, KITCHEN Jackie and Rose are hugging. JACKIE: Did you think about me at all? They are both crying. Rose stands back slightly. ROSE: I did! All the time! But... JACKIE: One phone call. Just to know that you were alive! ROSE: I'm sorry. I really am. JACKIE: Do you know what terrifies me, is that you still can't say. What happened to you, Rose? What could be so bad that you can't tell me, sweetheart? Where were you? Rose cannot answer her. EXT. ROOF Rose is sitting on a wall and the Doctor is leaning against it. ROSE: I can't tell her. I can't even begin... she's never gonna forgive me. And I missed a year? Was it good? THE DOCTOR: Middling. ROSE: You're so useless. THE DOCTOR: Well, if it's this much trouble, are you gonna stay here now? ROSE: I dunno. I can't do that to her again, though. THE DOCTOR: Well, she's not coming with us. Rose bursts out laughing and the Doctor joins in. ROSE: No chance. THE DOCTOR: I don't do families. ROSE: She slapped you! THE DOCTOR: 900 years of time and space, and I've never been slapped by someone's mother. ROSE: Your face. THE DOCTOR: It hurt! ROSE: You're so gay! The Doctor rubs his cheek, offended. ROSE: When you say 900 years... THE DOCTOR: That's my age. ROSE: You're nine hundred years old. THE DOCTOR: Yeah. ROSE: My mum was right. That is one hell of an age gap. (Jumps off the wall). Every conversation with you just goes mental. There's no one else I can talk to. I've seen all that stuff up there, the size of it, and I can't say a word. Aliens and spaceships and things, and I'm the only person on planet earth who knows they exist. Right on cue, a spacecraft narrowly misses their heads as it falls from the sky and heads for for Central London. It smashes into Big Ben, then lands with a splash in the Thames. The Doctor and Rose stand up with their mouths open. ROSE (CONT'D): Oh, that's just not fair. The Doctor laughs gleefully, grabs her hand, and pulls her off in the direction of the action. EXT. STREET It is complete mayhem on the streets. The Doctor and Rose arrive on the scene. THE DOCTOR: It's blocked off. ROSE: We're miles from the centre. The scene must be grid locked. The whole of London must be closing down. THE DOCTOR: I know, I can't BELIEVE I'm here to see this! This is fantastic! ROSE: Did you know this was going to happen? THE DOCTOR: Nope! ROSE: Do you recognize the ship? THE DOCTOR: Nope! ROSE: Do you know why it crashed? THE DOCTOR: Nope! ROSE: Oh, I'm so glad I've got you. THE DOCTOR: I bet you are! This is what I travel for, Rose! To see history happening right in front of us. ROSE: Well, let's go and see it! Never mind the traffic, we've got the TARDIS! THE DOCTOR: Better not. They've already got one spaceship in the middle of London, don't want to shove another one on top. ROSE: Yeah, but yours looks like a big blue box. No one's going to notice. THE DOCTOR: You'll be surprised, an emergency like this, there'll be all kinds of people watching. Trust me, the TARDIS stays where it is. Rose looks distinctly disgruntled. ROSE: So, history's happening and we're stuck here. THE DOCTOR: Yes, we are. ROSE: We could always do what everybody else does. The Doctor looks at her questioningly. ROSE (CONT'D): We could watch it on TV. The Doctor looks as though this is a completely new idea to him. INT. TYLERS' FLAT, LIVING ROOM NEWS READER: Big Ben destroyed as a UFO crash lands in Central London. Police reinforcements are drafted in from across the country to control wide-spread panic, looting and civil disturbance. A state of national emergency has been declared. Tom Hitchinson is at the scene. The Doctor and Rose are watching the TV intently. REPORTER: The police urge the public not to panic. There's a help line number on screen right now if you're worried about friends or family. They the channel over to an American news channel. NEWS READER: The military are on the lookout for more spaceships. Until then, all flights in North American air space have been grounded. They turn it back to News 24. REPORTER: The army are sending divers into the wreck of the spaceship. No one knows what they're going to find. Back to the American channel. NEWS READER: The President will address the nation live from the White House. But the Secretary General has asked that people watch the skies. Jackie comes in to give Rose a cup of tea. JACKIE: I've got no choice! Either I make him welcome, or I run the risk of never seeing you again! Both Jackie and her friend Marianna babble on angrily. THE DOCTOR: Oi! I'm trying to listen! NEWS READER: ... his current whereabouts. News is just coming in, we can go to Tom at the embankments. REPORTER: They've found a body. The Doctor raises his eyebrows. REPORTER (CONT'D): It's unconfirmed but I'm being told a body has been found in the wreckage. A body of non-terrestrial origins. It's being brought ashore. Jackie enters the room giving a bottle of wine to a couple of people. JACKIE: Oh, guess who asked me out, Billy Crewe. The Doctor shakes his head. NEWS READER: Unconfirmed reports say that the body is of extra-terrestrial origin. An extraordinary event unfolding here live here in Central London. The body is being transferred to a secure unit mortuary. The whereabouts is yet unknown. The TV changes channels a few times and comes to rest on Blue Peter. BLUE PETER PRESENTER: And when you've stuck your things on, you can cover the whole lot... The Doctor tries to wrestle the TV remote off a toddler on his lap. BLUE PETER PRESENTER: Ooo, look at that. Then, ice it, any colour you want...Here's one I made a little bit earlier, look at that. Your very own spaceship ready to eat. And there's something a little extra special... The Doctor changes the channel back to News 24. NEWS READER: ... in hospital. REPORTER: We still don't know whether it's alive or dead. Whitehall is denying everything. But the body has been brought here, Albian Hospital, the roads closed off - it's the closest to the river. The little boy hops off the Doctors lap and stands in front of the TV screen. The Doctor points violently sideways. THE DOCTOR: Go on! The toddler wanders off. REPORTER: I'm being told that... General Asquith is now entering the hospital. The building's evacuated. The patients have been moved out onto the streets. The police still won't confirm the presence of an alien body. Contained inside those walls... INT. ALBION HOSPITAL, MORTUARY A group of soldiers enter the mortuary inside the hospital. General Asquith approaches the table where the alien lies covered with a cloth. ASQUITH: Let's have a look then. Dr Sato pulls back the cloth. ASQUITH (CONT'D): Good God. That's real? It's not a hoax or a dummy, or a...? Dr Sato shakes her head. DR SATO: I've x-rayed the skull. It's wired up inside like nothing I've ever seen before. No one could make this up. ASQUITH: We've got experts being flown in. Until they arrive... get that out of sight. She nods and covers the alien again. INT. ALBION HOSPITAL, MORTUARY Two people shut the door of a mortuary shelf. INT. ALBION HOSPITAL, CORRIDOR Dr Sato runs after Asquith as he makes to leave. DR SATO: Excuse me, sir! The captain stops and turns to face her. DR SATO (CONT'D): I know it's a state of emergency and there's a lot of rumour flying around, but is it true, what they're saying? About the Prime Minister? The captain does not answer her. He leaves without another word, followed by soldiers. She stares after them then hurries in the opposite direction. EXT. DOWNING STREET REPORTER: Mystery still surrounds there whereabouts of the prime minister. He's not been seen since the emergency began. The opposition are criticizing his lack of leadership. Hold on... A man gets out of a car and enters 10 Downing Street. REPORTER (CONT'D): Oh, that's Joseph Green, MP for Hartley Dale. He's chairman of the parliamentary commission on the monitoring of sugar standards in exported confectionary. With respect, hardly the most important person right now. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET RECEPTION When Joseph Green enters 10 Downing Street, his hand is shaken by the Junior Secretary. INDRA: Indra Ganesh. Junior secretary. I'll be your liaison. JOSEPH: Where the hell is he? INDRA: If we could talk in private, sir. Follow me, upstairs. A woman approaches them from behind. HARRIET: Excuse me! Harriet Jones. MP for Flydale North. INDRA: I'm sorry, can it wait? HARRIET: But I did have an appointment at 3:15. INDRA: Yes. And a spaceship crashed in the middle of London. I think the schedule might have changed. The two men turn away from her and make their way up the stairs. INDRA: You've heard about the alien body, sir? JOSEPH: Never mind that, where is he? Where's the Prime Minister? INDRA: No one knows, sir. He's disappeared. I have to inform you with the city grid locked and the cabinet stranded that makes you acting Prime Minister. With immediate effect. JOSEPH: Oh, Lord. Oh, hold on/... (Farts loudly). Pardon me... nervous stomach. Anyway... INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM CORRIDOR They run up the stairs. Indra indicates a fat blonde woman. INDRA: Margaret Blaine. She's with MI5. MARGARET: There's no more information, sir. I personally escorted the Prime Minister from the cabinet room to his car, this is Oliver Charles, transport liaison. OLIVER: The car's disappeared. There's no record of it, sir - it literally vanished. JOSEPH: Right, er, inside, tell me everything. He ushers them into the cabinet room. INDRA: Er, sir? Joseph turns around and Indra holds a red case out to him. INDRA (CONT'D): The emergency protocols. Detailing the actions to be taken by the government of Great Britain in the event of an alien incursion. JOSEPH: Right! Good! (Farts). Blimey! Indra looks slightly worried. JOSEPH (CONT'D): Pardon me. (Takes the case). Get to work, eh? INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM He enters the room after Margaret and Oliver and slams the case down on the long table. He then looks across at them and starts laughing. A few seconds later they join in. Soon, they are all in hysterics. EXT. TYLER'S FLAT It is dark. The Doctor slips outside the back door of Rose's flat. Rose emerges after him. ROSE: And where do you think you're going? THE DOCTOR: Nowhere! It's just a bit human in there for me. History just happened and they're talking about where you can buy dodgy top up cards for half price. I'm off on a wander, that's all. ROSE: Right. There's a spaceship on the Thames and you're just "wandering". THE DOCTOR: Nothing to do with me! It's not an invasion! That was a genuine crash landing. Angle of descent, colour of smoke, everything! It's perfect! ROSE: So... THE DOCTOR: So maybe this is it! First contact! The day mankind officially comes into contact with an alien race. I'm not interfering because you've GOT to handle this on your own. That's when the human race finally grows up. Just this morning you were all tiny and small and made of clay! Now you can expand! He laughs in delight. Rose smiles. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You don't need me. Go and celebrate history. Spend some time with your mum. He walks away. ROSE: Promise you won't disappear? The Doctor stops and turns around again. He feels his jacket pockets. THE DOCTOR: Tell you what, TARDIS key. (Hands it to her). About time you had one. (Grins). See you later! He leaves. Rose looks down at the key in her hand, closes her fist around it and walks back to the flat door, looking distinctly chuffed. EXT. POWELL ESTATE The Doctor leaves the block of flats. There is a raucous party on the third floor with a banner hanging over the balcony saying "THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED". A banner hanging from another window says "WELCOME TO OUR WORLD". A woman spots the Doctor and calls down to him. WOMAN: Hey, gorgeous! Come back and join the party! Mickey emerges onto another balcony higher up. He picks up a trainer, smells it, and makes a face of disgust. He watches the Doctor look at a sign in a shop window saying "HELLO ET" and then does a double take as the Doctor walks up to the TARDIS taking a bunch of keys out of his pocket. MICKEY: Oh my God! He runs back inside taking the smelly trainers with him. INT. TARDIS The Doctor enters the TARDIS, grinning. He runs to the console, smacks down a few buttons and turns a handle and beams up at it when it starts to move. EXT. POWELL ESTATE Outside, the TARDIS begins to disappear just as Mickey runs out of the flats. MICKEY: Oi, Doctor! Doctooooooooor! He sprints up to the TARDIS and throws himself at it, but just ends up hitting the heavily graffitied corrugated iron behind it and falls backwards from the impact. He gets up again and brushes himself down, casting furtive looks around him to make sure no one saw him. He then walks off with as much dignity as he can muster. INT. TARDIS The console starts to smoke. Looking slightly put-out, the Doctor hits it a couple of times with a hammer. Amazingly, this helps, and the Doctor kisses the hammer and gazes up at the console with a childish beam on his face. EXT. DOWNING STREET 10 Downing Street is heavily guarded on the outside. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM CORRIDOR Harriet Jones places a cup of coffee on Indra's desk. He looks up at her. HARRIET: I bet no one's bought you a coffee. She laughs slightly. INDRA: Thank you. HARRIET: Pleasure. He picks the cup up. She doesn't leave, but looks down at him expectantly. INDRA: You still can't go in. HARRIET: Damn, you've seen through my cunning plan. INDRA: Look, I'm sorry. It's just impossible. He gets up. HARRIET: Not even for two minutes? He shakes his head. HARRIET (CONT'D): I don't get many chance to walk these corridors. I'm hardly one of the babes, just a faithful back bencher. And I know we've had a brave new world land right on our doorstep, and that's wonderful. I think that's probably wonderful. Nevertheless, ordinary life keeps ticking away. (Rifles through her handbag and pulls out a folder). I need to enter this paper. Joseph Green, Margaret Blaine and Oliver Charles emerge from the cabinet room. HARRIET (CONT'D): Oh! Mr. Green, sir, I know you're busy, but could you put this on the next cabinet agenda? JOSEPH: What is it? HARRIET: Cottage hospitals... Joseph looks at Indra in alarm who gives an apologetic and resigned wave of his hand. HARRIET (CONT'D): I've worked out a system whereby cottage hospitals do not have to be excluded from centers of excellence. You see, my mother's in the Flydale infirmary. That's my constituency, tiny lisle place, you wouldn't know it, but to give me a chance to... JOSEPH: By all the saints, get some perspective, woman! I'm busy. All of them, including Indra, file out of the room, each giving her a funny look as they pass. Harriet is left alone holding her papers. She looks to make sure they are really gone, then slips into the cabinet room. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM Harriet places her papers on the table, on top of the emergency protocols. She then seems to change her mind and picks them up again. She opens the case and puts it inside instead. Satisfied, she is just about to close it again when she spots the folder with "Emergency Protocols - Classified Information" written on the front. She sits on the chair in front of the case and opens the folder. She begins to read the first page with a look of awe on her face. INT. ALBION HOSPITAL, MORTUARY Dr Sato settles herself in front of her desk, picks a pen up and begins to write. She hears a thumping noise in the distance. She pauses for a moment but then decides to ignore it. Then she hears it again. She turns around. The thumping repeats itself over and over again. It seems to be coming from the place where the alien was put. She stares at it warily. INT. ALBION HOSPITAL, STOREROOM The Doctor emerges from the TARDIS, which seems to have landed squashed up in a small storeroom. He looks around in slight confusion and then makes his way to the door. He turns on his sonic screwdriver, which makes a loud buzzing noise. He turns it off again hurriedly. THE DOCTOR: Shh! INT. ALBION HOSPITAL, MORTUARY Dr Sato edges towards the door of the alien's cupboard. The thumping has become even more frantic, as though something is running around inside, banging against the walls. INT. ALBION HOSPITAL, STOREROOM The Doctor finishes unlocking the door, puts his sonic screwdriver away and opens it. INT. ALBION HOSPITAL, ANTEROOM The Doctor finds himself in a room where about 20 soldiers are sitting around talking and laughing. They fall silent when he opens the door. There is a pause while they all stare at each other, then they all leap to their feet and point their guns at him. The Doctor grins. Again. INT. ALBION HOSPITAL, MORTUARY Dr Sato approaches the door. She pulls it open and screams. INT. ALBION HOSPITAL, ANTEROOM Upon hearing the scream, the Doctor stops smiling and runs to the door. THE DOCTOR: Defence part delta! Come on, move, move! All the soldiers follow him from the room in the direction of the scream. INT. ALBION HOSPITAL, CORRIDOR They run down the corridors. The Doctor spots Dr Sato cowering on the floor. DR SATO: It's alive! The Doctor turns to the men behind him. THE DOCTOR: Spread out. Tell the perimeter it's a lock down. He runs to Dr Sato's side and holds her hands. DR SATO: My God, it's still alive. The men are still standing there watching them. THE DOCTOR: Do it! They run off and start searching the building. The Doctor turns back to Dr Sato. Blood is leaking out from under her hairline. DR SATO: I swear it was dead. THE DOCTOR: Coma, shock, hibernation, anything. What does it look like? There is a slight sound from behind him. He turns around quickly. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): It's still here. He stands up and beckons another soldier into the room. He walks forward quietly, looking for the source of the sound. When he hears another rattling, he drops to his knees and crawls to peer behind the desk. From the other side of the desk, the face of a pig peers back at him, snorting. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Hello! The pig squeals in terror and runs across the room. The soldier readies his gun. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Don't shoot! The pig runs along the corridor. One of the soldiers points his gun at it and shoots before the Doctor can stop him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): What did you do that for? It was scared! The soldier looks from him to the pig in alarm. The Doctor crouches down to look at the pig. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): It was scared. He strokes the pig as it dies. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM Harriet Jones hears voices approaching the cabinet room. ASQUITH: I've got the White House phoning me direct because Downing Street won't answer their calls! This is outrageous! We haven't even started the vaccination prota. This is appalling. The nations of the world are watching the United Kingdom! JOSEPH: Well, it has all been a bit of a shock. ASQUITH: This is the greatest crisis in modern history and you've done nothing! Your behaviour has been shameful, sir. You're supposed to be in charge and we need positive leadership. The capital's ground to a halt. They enter the room. Harriet disappears into a cupboard just in time. ASQUITH: Furthermore, we can only assume that the Prime Minister's disappearance is the direct result of hostile alien action. And what have you been doing? Nothing. JOSEPH: Sorry! Sorry. Uh... I thought I was Prime Minister now. ASQUITH: Only by default. JOSEPH: Ooooh, that's not fair! I've been having such fun. The Captain looks outraged. ASQUITH: You think this is FUN? JOSEPH: It's a hoot, this job. Joseph, Margaret and Oliver all start to laugh. MARGARET: Honestly! It's super! Oliver farts. OLIVER: Oh! S'cuse me! (Farts again). Ooo! They burst out laughing again. ASQUITH: What's going on here? And where's the rest of the cabinet? Why haven't they been air lifted in? JOSEPH: Cancelled it. They'd only get in the way.(Farts). Oh, there I go. He farts twice more, heartily. Margaret joins in. MARGARET: Oh, and me! I'm shaking my booty. More hysterical laughter punctuated by farts. ASQUITH: Sir! Under section 5 of the emergency protocols, it is my duty to relieve you of command. Joseph stops laughing and looks up at the captain darkly. ASQUITH: And by God, I'll put this country under marshal law if I have to. JOSEPH (sarcastically): Oh, I'm SCARED. I mean, that's hair raising. I mean, literally. Look! He unzips his forehead. A bright blue light shines from the gap. Bewildered, the captain looks at the other two, who also unzip their foreheads. Where she is watching from a crack through the door, Harriet's eyes widen in shock. There are some disgusting and worrying noises from the cabinet room and Harriet leans back against the wall of the cupboard, horrified. INT. ALBION HOSPITAL, MORTUARY Dr Sato and the Doctor are standing over the pig's body. DR SATO: I just assumed that's what alien's look like. But you're saying it's an ordinary pig? From Earth? THE DOCTOR: More like a mermaid. Victorian showmen used to draw the crowds by taking the skull of a cat and gluing it to a fish and calling it a mermaid. Now, someone's taken a pig, opened up it's brain, stuck bits on... then they strapped it in that ship and made it dive bomb. It must've been terrified. They've taken this animal and turned it into a joke. DR SATO: So it's a fake. A pretend. Like the mermaid. But the technology augmenting its brain... it's like nothing on Earth. It's alien. Aliens are faking aliens. But why would they do that...? (Turns to face the Doctor, only to find he has vanished). Doctor? Hurries from room after him. INT. ALBION HOSPITAL, CORRIDOR Dr Sato looks up and down a long corridor. DR SATO: Doctor? She turns as she hears the sound of the TARDIS engines. Obviously, she does not know what this sound is. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, LIVING ROOM Rose's sitting room is extremely crowded. Jackie raises her wine glass in a toast. JACKIE: Here's to the Martians! EVERYONE: The Martians! Mickey appears in the doorway. The laughter dies away as he stares at Rose in her armchair. She looks around to see why everyone has gone quiet and sits up quickly when she sees him standing there. ROSE: I was gonna come and see you. He just stares at her. WOMAN: Someone owes Mickey an apology. ROSE: I'm sorry. WOMAN: Not you. Looks at Jackie. JACKIE: It's not my fault. Be fair. What was I supposed to think? Gives Mickey a look and walks into the kitchen. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, KITCHEN MICKEY: You disappear, who do they turn to? Your boyfriend. Five times, I was taken in for questioning. Five times. No evidence, of course there couldn't be, could there. And then I get her, your mother. (Points at Jackie who rolls her eyes). Whispering around the estate, pointing the finger, stuff through my letterbox, and all 'cos of you. ROSE: I didn't think I'd be gone so long. MICKEY: And I waiting for you, Rose! Twelve months. Waiting for you and the Doctor to come back. JACKIE: Hold on, you knew about the Doctor? Why didn't you tell me? Mickey notices someone trying to listen through the window into the kitchen. He slams them shut and closes the door. MICKEY: Yeah, yeah. Why not, Rose? Huh? How could I tell her where you went? JACKIE: Tell me now. MICKEY: I might as well, 'cos you're stuck here. The Doctor's gone. Just now, that box thing just faded away. ROSE: What do you mean? MICKEY: He's left you. Some boyfriend HE turned out to be. Rose runs from the kitchen, grabbing a jacket from the back of the door on her way out. Mickey follows her. Jackie stays sitting down, looking frustrated. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. POWELL ESTATE Rose and Mickey are standing at the spot where the TARDIS was parked. ROSE: He wouldn't just go, he promised me. MICKEY: Oh, he's dumped you, Rose. Sailed off into space. How does it feel, huh? Now you are left behind with the rest of us Earthlings. Get used to it. ROSE: But he would have said. Jackie walks over to them. JACKIE: What're you two chimps going on about? What's going on? What's this Doctor done now? Mickey chortles. MICKEY: He's vamoosed! ROSE (angrily): He's not! 'Cos he gave me this! She shows him the TARDIS key. Mickey gives a "so what?" sort of shrug. ROSE (CONT'D): He's not my boyfriend, Mickey, he's better than that. He's much more important than... She breaks off as the TARDIS key starts to glow in time with the sound of the TARDIS engines. ROSE (CONT'D): I said so. The engines get louder. Rose turns to her mother. ROSE (CONT'D) (urgently): Mum! Mum, go inside. Mum, don't stand there, just go inside. Just, mum, go... But Jackie is not listening to her. She is staring transfixed over Rose's shoulder, where the TARDIS is appearing out of thin air. The engines grind to a halt. Mickey points to the TARDIS meaningfully. MICKEY: Uh? Jackie stares at it in amazement. JACKIE: How'd you do that, then? Rose looks at her warily. INT. TARDIS Rose enters the TARDIS where the Doctor is looking at the computer screen. THE DOCTOR: Alright, so I lied! I went and had a look, but the whole crash landing's a fake, I thought so, it's just too perfect. I mean, "hitting Big Ben" come on, so I thought let's go and have a look... ROSE: My mum's here. The door creaks open and Jackie and Mickey enter. The Doctor looks around. THE DOCTOR: Oh, that's just what I need. Don't you dare make this place domestic! MICKEY: You ruined my life, Doctor. The Doctor spins smoothly around to face him. MICKEY (CONT'D): They thought she was dead. I was a murder suspect because of you. THE DOCTOR (to Rose): See what I mean? Domestic. The Doctor spins back to face the computer screen. Mickey takes a few steps towards him. MICKEY: I bet you don't even remember my name! THE DOCTOR: Ricky. MICKEY: It's Mickey. THE DOCTOR: No, it's Ricky. MICKEY: I think I know my own name. THE DOCTOR: You THINK you know your own name? How stupid are you? Jackie, who has been looking around the TARDIS with a bewildered expression, turns and runs outside again. ROSE: Mum, don't! (To the Doctor). Don't go anywhere! (To Mickey). Don't start a fight! EXT. POWELL ESTATE Jackie runs outside and back to the flats. Rose pursues her out of the doors. ROSE (CONT'D): Mum, it's not like that! He's not... I'll be up in a minute, hold on! INT. TARDIS She runs back inside the TARDIS and back to the Doctor's side, where he is looking at his monitor again. ROSE (CONT'D): That was a real spaceship? THE DOCTOR: Yep! ROSE: So, it's all a pack of lies? What is it then, are they invading? Mickey is on tip-toes peering at the screen over their shoulders. MICKEY: Funny way to invade, putting the world on red alert. THE DOCTOR (mildly impressed): Good point! So, what're they up to? INT. TYLER'S FLAT, JACKIE'S BEDROOM On the TV, a news channel - footage of the spaceship crash landed in the Thames. REPORTER: As the crisis continues and the government shows remarkable lack of leadership, paranoia sweeps the country. Jackie is sitting on the end of her bed, looking frustrated and restless. She sighs and kneads her forehead. REPORTER (CONT'D): There have been at least three reports of public assaults on people publicly identified as aliens. Jackie's look of anxiety increases. REPORTER (CONT'D): And now back to Tom Kitchnenson. Jackie falls back onto the bed, her hands over her face. TOM KITCHENSON: Are there more ships to come? Jackie turns her attention to the television. TOM KITCHENSON (CONT'D): What is their intention? The authorities are now asking if ANYONE knows ANYTHING. If any previous sighting has been made, then call this number. Jackie reaches for the telephone. TOM KITCHENSON (CONT'D): We need your help. Jackie dials the number on the screen. The first two times it is engaged. The third time, she manages to get through. JACKIE: Yes! I've seen one. I really have, an alien. And she's with him! My daughter, she's with him. And she's not safe. Oh, my God... she's not safe. Jackie exhales and sits back down on the foot of the bed. JACKIE (CONT'D): I've seen an alien. And I know his name, he's called "The Doctor". INT. COMPUTER SCREEN The words 'The Doctor' are typed into a computer. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, JACKIE'S BEDROOM JACKIE: It's a box. A blue box. INT. COMPUTER SCREEN "Blue Box" is typed in. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, JACKIE'S BEDROOM JACKIE: She called it a "TARDIS". INT. COMPUTER SCREEN "TARDIS" is typed in. An alarm goes off. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CONFERENCE ROOM Indra enters at a run. The computer screen is flashing the words: RED ALERT - THE DOCTOR. INT. TARDIS Inside the TARDIS, Mickey peers curiously down at the Doctor, where he is once again wedged under the console. MICKEY: So, what're you doing down there? THE DOCTOR (muffled, due to the sonic screwdriver he's holding between his teeth): Ricky. MICKEY: Mickey. THE DOCTOR (takes the sonic screwdriver out of his mouth to make himself clearer): Ricky. Mickey rolls his eyes, irked. THE DOCTOR: If I was to tell you what I was doing to the controls of my frankly magnificent time ship, would you even begin to understand? MICKEY: I suppose not... THE DOCTOR: Shut it, then. He puts the sonic screwdriver back between his teeth. Mickey gives him the evil eye, and moves back round the console to where Rose is standing. MICKEY: Some friend you've got. ROSE: He's winding you up. Mickey still looks slightly upset. He does not answer. ROSE: I am sorry. MICKEY: It's okay. ROSE (earnestly): I am, though! MICKEY: Every day, I looked. On every street corner, wherever I went, looking for a blue box for a whole year. ROSE: It's only been a few days for me. I don't know, it's... it's hard to tell inside this thing but I swear it's just a few days since I left you. MICKEY: Not enough time to miss me, then? ROSE (smiles): I did miss you. MICKEY: I missed you. ROSE: So, erm... in twelve months, have you been seeing anyone else? MICKEY: No. ROSE: 'Kay... MICKEY: Mainly because everyone thinks I murdered you. ROSE: Right. MICKEY: So... now that you've come back... are you gonna stay? He leans in to kiss her, but the moment is broken by the sound of sparks from beneath the console. THE DOCTOR: Got it! Haha! Rose moves to the other side of the console to join him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Patched in the radar, looped it back twelve hours so we can follow the flight of the spaceship, here we go... hold on... (Whacks the computer screen). Come on! (Shows Rose the graphic on the screen). That's the spaceship on it's way to Earth... see? Except... hold on... see, the spaceship did a sling shot round the Earth before it landed. ROSE: What does that mean? THE DOCTOR: It means it came from Earth in the first place, it went up and came back down. Whoever those aliens are, they haven't just arrived. They've been here for a while. The question is, what have they been doing? INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM In the cabinet room, the alien who was previously inside the body of Oliver is now finishing putting on the skin suit of the General Asquith. ASQUITH: What do you think? How's the compression? I think I've got too much ballast round the middle...(Farts). Ah, that's better. From the cupboard, Harriet Jones's eyes widen with shock and confusion. MARGARET: We've really got to fix the gas exchange. It's getting ridiculous. JOSEPH: I don't know, it seems very human to me. Ah, better get rid of his skin... Asquith picks up the discarded skin of Oliver. ASQUITH: Shame! I quite enjoyed being Oliver. He had a wife, a mistress, and a young farmer. He makes towards the cupboard where Harriet is standing. She retreats further to the back. He opens the door and chucks the skin inside. He looks back at Margaret and Joseph. ASQUITH (CONT'D): God, I was busy. They laugh. He shuts the door again. JOSEPH: Back to work! ASQUITH: I have an army to command! MARGARET: Careful now... They leave the room, their voices retreating. Harriet picks up the discarded skin of Oliver, and examines it. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM CORRIDOR Indra rushes up to Margaret, Asquith and Joseph. INDRA: General Asquith! Sir, we've had a priority alarm. It's code nine confirmed code nine. Harriet Jones hurries out of the cupboard. ASQUITH: Code nine, huh? Which would mean...? Margaret gives a small and apologetic laugh while Joseph shakes his head behind him. INDRA: Well, in the event of the emergency protocols being activated... we've got software that automatically searches all communications for key words. And one of those words is "Doctor". I think we've found him, sir. MARGARET: What sort of Doctor? Who is he? INDRA: Well, evidently he's some sort of expert in extra-terrestrial affairs, the ultimate expert! And we need him, sir. We need him here right now! Harriet pulls a face. INT. TARDIS The Doctor is switching the television from channel to channel. MICKEY: How many channels do you get? THE DOCTOR: All the basic packages. MICKEY: You get sports channels? THE DOCTOR: Yes, I get the football. (Looks back at the screen). Hold on, I know that bloke. REPORTER: It is looking likely that the government is bringing in alien specialists, those people who have devoted their lives to studying outer space. THE DOCTOR: UNIT! United Nations Intelligence Task force, good people. ROSE: How do you know them? MICKEY: 'Cos he's worked for them. Yeah, don't think I sat on my backside for twelve months, Doctor. I read up on you. You look deep enough on the Internet... and in the history books, and there's his name. Followed by a list of the dead. THE DOCTOR: That's nice. Good boy, Ricky. ROSE: If you know them, why don't you go and help? THE DOCTOR: They wouldn't recognize me. I've changed a lot since the old days. Besides, the world's on a knife-edge. There's aliens out there and fake aliens. We want to keep this alien out of the mix. I'm going undercover... and eh, better keep the TARDIS out of site. Rickey! You've got a car - you can do some driving. He walks towards the TARDIS door. MICKEY: Where to?! THE DOCTOR: The roads are clearing. Let's go and have a look at that spaceship. EXT. POWELL ESTATE They step out of the TARDIS to the sound of helicopters. They are immediately caught out by a searchlight. LOUDSPEAKER: Do not move! Police cars and soldiers surround them, pointing guns and them and preventing their escape. Mickey makes a run for it. Jackie runs out of the flats and tries to get to Rose but two soldiers restrain her. JACKIE: No! Mickey is hiding behind some dustbins. The Doctor and Rose are standing in the centre looking slightly confused in the searchlight. LOUDSPEAKER: Raise your hands above your head! You are under arrest! The Doctor and Rose obey. THE DOCTOR: Take me to your leader! INT. CAR Rose clambers into the back of a police car next to the Doctor. The door shuts and they drive off. ROSE: This is a bit posh. If I knew it was gonna be like this, being arrested, I'd have done it years ago. THE DOCTOR: We're not being arrested, we're being escorted! ROSE: Where to? THE DOCTOR: Where'd you think? Downing Street! He laughs. Rose joins in. ROSE: You're kidding. THE DOCTOR: I'm not! ROSE: 10 Downing Street? THE DOCTOR: That's the one! Rose laughs with glee. ROSE: Oh, my God! I'm going to 10 Downing Street? The Doctor nods, grinning. ROSE: How come? THE DOCTOR: I hate to say it, but Mickey was right. Over the years I've visited this planet a lot of times, and I've been, uh, noticed. ROSE: Now they need you? THE DOCTOR: Like it said on the news, they're gathering experts in alien knowledge. And who's the biggest expert of the lot? He grins expectantly at her. ROSE: Patrick Moore? THE DOCTOR: Apart from him! ROSE: Ah, don't you just love it... THE DOCTOR: I'm telling you, Lloyd George, he used to drink me under the table. Who's the Prime Minister now? ROSE: How should I know? I missed a year. EXT. DOWNING STREET The car pulls up outside 10 Downing Street. The paparazzi and hundreds of police men are there. The Doctor gets out of the car and waves at them all, grinning manically. Rose smiles nervously and the looks up at 10 Downing Street. ROSE (under her breath): Oh my God! She follows the Doctor inside. INT. TYLERS' FLAT, LIVING ROOM Jackie is talking to three police officers. JACKIE: So, she's alright then? She's not in any trouble? STRICKLAND: Well, all I can say is, your daughter and her 'companion' might be in a position to help the country. We'll need to know how she made contact with this man, if he is a man. (Sits down with a loud grumble from his belly). Oh! Right, off you go then. I need to talk to Mrs Tyler on my own, thank-you. The other two police officers exit the flat. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET RECEPTION Harriet Jones slips inconspicuously down the stairs. She enters a room where the alien experts are standing around talking, waiting for the meeting to begin. She flashes her ID card at the policeman standing guard at the door. HARRIET: Harriet Jones, MP, Flydale North. She mingles amongst the people. Indra enters. INDRA: Ladies and Gentlemen, could we convene? Quick as we can, please. It's this way on the right and can I remind you, ID cards are to be worn at all times. (Approaches the Doctor, gives him an ID card). Here's your ID card. I'm sorry, your companion doesn't have clearance. THE DOCTOR: I don't go anywhere without her. Loops the ID card around his neck. INDRA: You're the code nine, not her. Harriet sidles up to them. INDRA (CONT'D): I'm sorry, Doctor... it is the Doctor, isn't it? She'll have to stay outside. THE DOCTOR: She's staying with me. INDRA: Look, even I don't have clearance to go in there. I can't let her in and that's a fact. ROSE (to the Doctor): It's alright, you go. Harriet appears at Indra's shoulder. HARRIET: Excuse me? Are you the Doctor? Indra looks positively exasperated. INDRA: Not now, we're busy. Can't you go home? THE DOCTOR (to Rose): Are you sure? ROSE: Yeah, they're the experts, you should hear what they've got to say. THE DOCTOR: I s'pose so. Don't get into any trouble. The Doctor follows the other experts into the room. HARRIET (to Indra): I just need a word in private. INDRA: You haven't got clearance, now leave it! (Takes Rose's arm). I'm going to have to leave you with security. Begins to lead her away. HARRIET: It's alright. I'll look after her. Let me be of some use. (To Rose). Walk with me. Just keep walking... They walk past the guards at the door. HARRIET (CONT'D): That's right... don't look round! Harriet Jones, MP Flydale North. Shows Rose her ID card. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CONFERENCE ROOM The experts are sitting down in their seats. Joseph and Asquith make their way to the desk at the front. The Doctor enters last and takes a seat at the back of the room, reading the booklet he finds on the chair extremely quickly. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, DOWNSTAIRS CORRIDOR Harriet is outside in the corridor talking to Rose. HARRIET (upset and distressed): This friend of yours... he's an expert, is that right? He knows about aliens? ROSE: Why do you wanna know? Harriet breaks down into tears. Rose takes her arms awkwardly in an attempt to comfort her. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CONFERENCE ROOM ASQUITH: Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to have your attention please. As you can see from the summaries in front of you, the ship had one porcine occupant... THE DOCTOR: Now, the really interesting bit happened three days ago, see, filed away under every other business. The North Sea, the satellite detected a signal, a little blip of radiation at one hundred fathoms like there was something down there... you were just about to investigate and the next thing you know, this happens, spaceships, pigs, massive diversion, from what? INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM Harriet Jones is back in the cabinet room and showing Rose the body suit of Oliver. HARRIET: They turned the body into a suit! A disguise for the thing inside! Bursts into tears again. ROSE: It's alright! I believe you. It's... it's alien. They must have some serious technology behind this... if we could find it... (Starts rummaging around the room)... we could use it. She opens a cupboard and the Prime Minister's body falls out. Rose and Harriet hurry to examine it. ROSE (CONT'D): Oh, my God! Is that...? Indra enters. INDRA: Harriet, for God's sake! This has gone beyond a joke, you cannot just wander... (Spots the body on the floor). Oh, my God. That's the Prime Minister! INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CONFERENCE ROOM The Doctor is still lecturing the experts, Asquith and Joseph. THE DOCTOR: If aliens fake an alien crash and an alien pilot, what do they get? (aA pause as he works it out). Us. They get us. It's not a diversion, it's a trap. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM MARGARET: Ohhh! Indra, Rose and Harriet turn to see Margaret enter the cabinet room. MARGARET (CONT'D): Has someone been naughty? They look at each other. Margaret shuts the door behind her. INT. TYLERS' FLAT, KITCHEN Jackie goes into the kitchen. She is still speaking to the officer, Strickland. JACKIE: It was bigger on the inside. I dunno, what do I know about spaceships? STRICKLAND: That's what worries me. You see, this man is classified as "trouble". Which means that anyone associated with him uis trouble. (Looks at Jackie through the hatch, retreats back into the living room)/ And that's my job. (Takes off his hat to reveal a zip on his forehead). Eliminating trouble. He starts to undo the zip, filling the room with a blue light. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM INDRA: That's impossible. He left this afternoon. The Prime Minister left Downing Street, he was driven away! MARGARET: And who told you that? Hmm? (Walks to the baffled Indra). Me. Strokes the hair from her forehead. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CONFERENCE ROOM THE DOCTOR: This is all about us. The experts all look intrigued. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Alien experts, the only people with knowledge how to fight them gathered together in one room. Joseph farts. The Doctor raises his eyebrows and fixes him with a pointed look. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Excuse me, do you mind not farting while I'm saving the world? JOSEPH: Would you rather silent but deadly? Asquith and Joseph snigger. The Doctor stares at them. Asquith takes off his hat and undoes the zip on his forehead while Joseph laughs manically. Asquith pulls the skin suit down and reveals the Slitheen inside. The Doctor stares at him, transfixed. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM Margaret pulls her skin suit, revealing herself to the disgust and shock of Indra, Harriet and Rose. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, KITCHEN Jackie pauses halfway through making the tea. The flickering blue light is filling the whole flat. She tentatively walks to the kitchen door. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CONFERENCE ROOM Asquith finishes shrugging off his skin suit. Joseph is still cackling evilly. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, KITCHEN Jackie, now framed in the doorway of the kitchen, beholds the alien. Her eyes widen with shock. She takes deep breaths. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM Margaret is now entirely out of her skin suit. She stands before Rose, Indra and Harriet who all look astounded. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CONFERENCE ROOM Asquith, also out of his skin suit, straightens up and addresses the room. SLITHEEN/ASQUITH: We are the Slitheen. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM Margaret roars in delight and grabs Indra between her claws, pinning him up against the wall. He shouts as she strangles him. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, KITCHEN The Slitheen advances on Jackie. She screams and backs against the counter, sinking against it as the Slitheen raises his claw to strike. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CONFERENCE ROOM JOSEPH: Thank you all for wearing your ID cards. (Takes a weapon from his pocket, at the ready...). They'll help to identify the bodies. He presses the button. Everyone in the room is bathed in electric light. The Doctor falls to his knees in pain. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CABINET ROOM Margaret strangles Indra. Harriet and Rose wince. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, KITCHEN Jackie screams as the Slitheen prepares to strike. INT. 10 DOWNING STREET, CONFERENCE ROOM The Doctor shouts in pain as his whole body shakes. Joseph has a savage pleasure in his eyes. Asquith laughs. TO BE CONTINUED...

The Doctor intends to take Rose back to her home 12 hours after she left, but they arrive a year after instead. Her mother Jackie is furious with the Doctor, and Mickey has been suspected of murdering Rose. Rose and the Doctor witness a spaceship crash into Big Ben and fall into the River Thames . The Doctor suspects this is a trick and discovers that the ship was launched from Earth, and that the pilot is a pig, modified by alien technology. The Prime Minister cannot be located, and is replaced by Joseph Green , while Margaret Blaine and Oliver Charles , other high-ranking members of the government, are also called. The group is revealed to be the Slitheen , an alien family who have compressed themselves into human "suits".

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fd_Veronica_Mars_02x21_0

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars At their apartment, Keith is firm with his daughter in 220 "Look Who's Stalking." KEITH: Stay away from this case. This is more than some obsessed school kid. In the janitor's closet, Lucky shows Veronica and Gia his big knife. LUCKY: Check it out. VERONICA: That's really cool but actually we..we have t... He blocks them from exiting and looks at Gia. LUCKY: I know your dad, you know? Cut to later as Keith and Lucky, handcuffed together, sit in a jail cell. KEITH: Mayor Goodman. Why you wanna scare the guy so bad? LUCKY: 'Cause y'all don't know what he really is. Thumper walks along side a large white vehicle parked outside St. Mary's Catholic Church. A hand reaches out from behind the van, covers his mouth and nose with a cloth, and Thumper falls to the ground, unconscious. Passing headlights shine on the rear window of the vehicle, revealing two children witnessing the event. Weevil looks down at the recumbent Thumper in 217 "Plan B." WEEVIL: Enjoy confession. Keith questions Terrence at Mars Investigations in 214 "Versatile Toppings." KEITH: So you were in the casino, that day? TERRENCE: Yeah. I say it's likely. Cut to Keith at the Seven Rivers Casino. LOBO: Terrence Cook owes me a significant amount of money. KEITH: It might be a little hard to get paid by an incarcerated man. Keith and Veronica watch TV in 219 "Nevermind the Buttocks." KEITH: They found the murder weapon...the one used to kill Lilly--Aaron's Oscar statue. Veronica is stunned. End previouslies. INT - COUNTY BUILDING, COURTROOM - DAY. Aaron is on the stand, giving the performance of his life. AARON: In 1987, I was People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive." He gives a self-deprecating chuckle. AARON: I made a lot of money chasing people around with my shirt unbuttoned. If I wanted to do a movie, the movie got made. Then I got older. Aaron turns to the jury. They are staring at him intently. AARON: I started getting cast as the father of superstar tweens who have no idea who I am. It's a new age. They're the ones who are getting movies made today. I'm just some old guy. Enter Lilly Kane. Veronica and Keith are sitting behind the prosecutors. Lamb and Logan are also in the courtroom, behind the defence table, watching. Aaron's lawyer, Ethan Lavoie, is on his feet. AARON: This young, beautiful girl who thought I hung the moon. It's a very powerful thing when someone sees you as the person that you wish you were. Lavoie steps forward, keeping his voice soft and understanding. LAVOIE: Even if that person is sixteen? And dating your son? AARON: I didn't claim that it was right. I said it was powerful. LAVOIE: Mr. Echolls. Did you have s*x with Lilly Kane? AARON: No. Veronica looks at Keith, unable to believe his gall. AARON: No. We...well, we fooled a little for lack of a better term... Logan shakes his head. AARON: ...but I never had intercourse with her. LAVOIE: And you ended the relationship on the day she was killed, correct? AARON: Yes. Lavoie nods and glances at the jury. LAVOIE: Can you tell us what happened? AARON: Well, Lilly came to the house. She wanted attention, I guess. I told her we had to stop. Logan smiles sceptically. AARON: She stormed out. It wasn't until after she'd left that I realised that she had taken my Oscar. So I went to her house to get it back. LAVOIE: And did she give it to you? AARON: No, I mean, she yelled a lot, she, uh, she threw an ashtray at me. Then her brother Duncan came out. He was enraged. Logan takes a deep breath. AARON: He was screaming at her a-about me, I-I mean, as though I wasn't even there. I probably shouldn't have left her with him. Keith glances at Veronica who is getting more and more angry at Aaron's story. AARON: But I panicked. I mean, as crazy as he was acting, I never would have imagined-- The prosecutor jumps to her feet. PROSECUTION LAWYER: Objection! LAVOIE: Yes. I'm, I'm sorry, Your Honour. Lavoie returns his attention to Aaron. LAVOIE: So, after this argument, that was the last time you saw Lilly Kane. AARON: It was the last time I saw her alive, yes. EXT - COUNTY BUILDING - DAY. There are crowds gathered on the steps, shouting support and waving banners for Aaron. Cameras and sound mikes are trained on the entrance. Barriers keep the crowd back and make a narrow pathway for access and egress. Keith and Veronica ignore the crowd as they exit the building. VERONICA: So apparently if you're handsome and famous enough, you can just lie under oath and that's cool. KEITH: It's all about the tapes now, honey. That Oscar trophy with Duncan's hair's gonna create doubt, reasonable or otherwise. But if they believe you and Logan saw Aaron having s*x with Lilly, they'll convict him. Honey... Keith brings them to a stop. KEITH: When you get your chance to testify, it's important you keep yourself in check, okay? Aaron's lawyer's gonna use everything in his bag of tricks to rile you. VERONICA: Ah, but here's the thing. I'm unrile-able. Easygoing Veronica Mars. That's what the kids at school call me. KEITH: You sure you don't want to go over your testimony with the lawyers again? VERONICA: [with feeling] You know what I want? More than anything in the world? I wanna be there, in court, watching Aaron at the moment the jury reads the verdict. I wanna see that smirk wiped from his face. I wanna see his expression at the exact moment he realises he'll never be a free man again. Keith places his hands on each side of her face. KEITH: Easygoing Veronica Mars, huh? He kisses the top of her head and pulls her close to him. He leads them on, away from the crowds. KEITH: You know how fat men are sometimes called Tiny? Veronica laughs. EXT - NEPTUNE HIGH SCHOOL (NHS), LUNCH AREA - DAY. Four cupcakes, decorated with trailed chocolate and real pink orchids, and in a large pink box, are set upon an open textbook. Veronica, who was working from the book, looks up. Gia, dressed in colours that match her offering, leans away slightly, pleased with herself. GIA: That's for saving my life. VERONICA: What do I have to do for a pie? Veronica looks up from peering into the box to see that Gia's face has fallen. VERONICA: I'm kidding. They're great, thanks. Veronica closes the box and puts it to one side. VERONICA: Though I'm not sure what I did qualifies as life-saving. GIA: Sure it does. VERONICA: Well, thanks. Veronica attempts to return to her studying. Gia continues to sit in front of her, expectant. VERONICA: I-I kinda have to get back to-- GIA: So you are mad. I knew that things were gonna be weird because of that stuff with our dads. VERONICA: I'm not mad, Gia, I'm just trying to study. Gia gets excited again. GIA: We should study for the health final together. You want to? Tomorrow night? My house? I'll make flashcards. More to get rid of her than with enthusiasm, Veronica agrees. VERONICA: Fine, okay, tomorrow night. Gia's happy and bounces away. Veronica's relief that she can study is short-lived as the sound of Jackie's laughter can be heard. Wallace and Jackie slide onto the bench next to her, Wallace going straight for the pink box. WALLACE: Where'd these come from? Wallace opens the box. Veronica prevents herself from sighing and tries to keep studying. VERONICA: Saved someone's life. Can't talk. Studying. WALLACE: Well, not me, baby. I'm cruisin' through this week. VERONICA: [to Jackie] Did he just call me "baby"? Jackie, smiling, nods. JACKIE: Mm-hm. WALLACE: I got my scholarship to Hearst, my grades are fine. Good to go. VERONICA: Do you want me to cry? WALLACE: I'm just sayin'... VERONICA: Because I'll cry. I have to ace, ace all of my finals and hope that Angie Dahl chokes on one of hers and that still doesn't guarantee me the Kane Scholarship. Do you know how long I've wanted to go to Stanford? WALLACE: Since middle school. VERONICA: Elementary, my dear Wallace. Wallace and Jackie laugh. VERONICA: Do you have any idea how long I've waited to say that? JACKIE: It's so funny that you're working so hard to go to Stanford with Angie Dahl when Wallace, Mac, and your dad will all be in Neptune. WALLACE: Said the girl who's leaving all this... Wallace caresses his own chest. WALLACE: ...to go to France. JACKIE: Ah, do you see a plane ticket in my hand? Veronica, trying to get on with her studies, looks over at them dolefully. WALLACE: Seriously? You might stay? JACKIE: With Dad still in this mess... VERONICA: Could you guys tone down the adorable? Western Civ isn't gonna learn itself. JACKIE: I'm gonna need some milk to go with those cupcakes. Anyone want anything? VERONICA: Uh, peace? With a side of quiet? Jackie kisses Wallace and leaves the table. Wallace watches her go before turning to Veronica, ready to say something. Veronica makes a shh-buzz noise and holds up her finger in front of his lips. She makes a zip gesture with her hand. Wallace purses his lips, smiling. Veronica returns to making notes from the book. Wallace's attention is drawn over her shoulder. WALLACE: Veronica. Veronica jerks her head up and glares at him. Wallace indicates that Weevil is standing beside her. WEEVIL: You got a minute? VERONICA: [plaintively] Not really. Weevil doesn't move, looking desperate. Veronica puts down her pen with a sigh and gets up, walking away from the table with him. Behind them, Wallace is hailed. BOY: Hey, what's up, Wallace. WALLACE: Hey. As Veronica and Weevil walk on, Wallace leaves the table to speak to the boy. WEEVIL: I need your help with something. Um, 'kay, this is a little weird for me, you know... VERONICA: Is this going to make me nauseous? WEEVIL: I need your help with, you know, algebra. VERONICA: Like...the math? They come to a stop near the steps down to the car park. WEEVIL: To pass this year, I need to get at least a B on the final. I don't pass, I don't graduate. My grandmother wants to see me walk across that stage at graduation and now...with her being sick and everything... VERONICA: I wish I could help but I can't. I'm swamped with my own finals. WEEVIL: Yeah, all right. Weevil walks away. VERONICA: [apologetically] Sorry. Weevil doesn't turn around. Veronica rolls her eyes at the demands being made on her and starts to head back to her table and her books. Suddenly, there are gunshots. Students scream and scramble. Many duck under or by the tables and benches, including Wallace. A figure runs up and stands on one of the tables, waving a gun. It's Lucky. As students take cover and Lucky shoots a few more rounds into the air, Gia, standing between Lucky and Veronica, is frozen in shock. Veronica races to her, grabs her and pulls her down behind one of the tables. LUCKY: Look at this. You're like animals. He picks up the remains of some food from the table and hurls it at a girl cowering against the wall. LUCKY: Somebody's gotta clean this up you know. But not me. No, they fired me. I guess I'm good enough to drive an armoured troop transport truck to Tikrit, but not to polish the floors at Neptune High. Hey, anybody want to cut out of here? Might try to jump State Canyon. Who wants to go for a ride? What, no one? Where's my girl? Huh? G-G-G-Gia? Gia gasps, hides her face in her hands and starts to cry. Jackie, crouched at the bottom of the short set of steps leading up to the table where Lucky is standing, gets her cell phone and starts to dial. The noise of the buttons she pushes alerts Lucky to her presence. He aims the gun at her. LUCKY: Hey! Hey, who are you calling? Jackie closes up the phone. JACKIE: [terrified] No one. LUCKY: [screaming] I said, who are you calling? Jackie starts to cry. LUCKY: [softly] Don't cry. Behind him, Wallace creeps forwards. Veronica, watching in shock, spots him moving. Lucky continues to stare down at Jackie, pointing the gun in her face. Suddenly, Wallace does a flying tackle. He and Lucky tumble off the table onto the ledge of the wall and off the wall to the bench and ground below. Lucky drops the gun as he and Wallace grapple. Lucky throws Wallace off, stunning him. Lucky scrambles up, grabs the gun and stands over Wallace, pointing the gun at his chest. The students cry and shout. Veronica watches helplessly as Lucky pulls the trigger. Wallace jerks, grabs his chest and Veronica lets out a cry. Wallace's hands find no wound. It was a blank. LUCKY: Surprise. Lucky, continuing to hold the gun on Wallace, starts to laugh. Wallace, in disbelief, keeps checking his chest. A shot rings out. The students scream again. Lucky falls to the ground, revealing a security guard behind him, the gun in his hands aimed at the place where Lucky stood. Lucky lands close to Wallace, blood seeping into his denim jacket from the middle of his back. He rolls slightly and his eyes stare out. He is dead. From her hiding place, Veronica chokes out a sign of relief. Opening credits. EXT - COUNTY BUILDING - DAY. Woody and his secretary stand on the building's steps. Before them is the press horde, firing questions. WOODY: Thomas Dohanic or "Lucky" as he was known, was a very disturbed young man. I've learned from our Sheriff's Department that he just completed a tour in Iraq. FEMALE REPORTER: Is it true that the gun he had was filled with blanks? WOODY: Yes. That has been confirmed. MALE REPORTER: He was arrested for stalking your family. What was your relationship with Mr. Dohanic? WOODY: Honestly, we didn't really have one. He was a bat boy for the Sharks back in his teens. We had to let him go after some of the players complained about his job performance. MALE REPORTER: Why do you think he took the gun to school? Was he looking for your daughter? INT - MARS RESIDENCE - CONTINUING. Woody's conference is the breaking story on 5 Action News. WOODY: I don't know. I doubt we'll ever be able to make sense out of the actions... Veronica and Keith are sitting on the sofa, watching. VERONICA: Look at that. His eyes are turning brown. Keith uses the remote to switch off the television. He looks at his daughter. KEITH: I'm thinking about getting you some sort of...giant hamster ball so you can roll everywhere in this protective sphere. VERONICA: It'd just draw attention to me. Nobody likes a blonde in a hamster ball. Keith pats her knee before rising from the couch. KEITH: So, I got into Lucky's apartment. He sent a whole bunch of emails to Woody, all from different email addresses. VERONICA: What did they say? Keith gets some food out of the refrigerator and proceeds to make himself a peanut butter sandwich. KEITH: Nothing. There were attachments, but Lucky trashed the original files. I'm hoping I'll be able to get a hold of 'em at Woody's. Veronica joins him at the kitchen counter. VERONICA: You really think Woody would keep threatening emails in his inbox? KEITH: The way email works on your standard POP account, Veronica, the email remains on the server for a period of time, maybe a week, a month, longer, and then when you log on to your email application, the mail is pulled down. VERONICA: And if you don't want people to see it, you delete it. KEITH: Yes. But, the email still exists on the server. So, all one has to do is find a seldom-used computer and hope that that computer hasn't downloaded the incriminating email yet, and Woody must have six networked computers in that house of his? VERONICA: So, if you have his password... KEITH: Which I do. I looked over his shoulder once when he was signing on. VERONICA: He should know: you never log in with a Mars nearby. KEITH: Woody's got a Sharks team dinner tomorrow night, a whole table reserved for the Goodman family, the coast should be clear. VERONICA: Actually, it won't be. Gia is having her number one study buddy over. So... Veronica gestures excitedly. KEITH: Veronica. VERONICA: What? Why should you break in when I'm invited? Woody'll be at the dinner, and...we both know... Veronica shadow boxes. VERONICA: If it came down to it, I could take Gia. She holds out her hand. VERONICA: The password. Give it. Keith slaps her hand and she slaps back. KEITH: You'll remember it. It's "Mr. Goodwood." VERONICA: [grossed out] I'm so not touching his keyboard. INT - HOSPITAL - DAY. Jackie is updating Terrence. JACKIE: Wallace literally sailed over the table. Sailed! Then he just slams into this guy, just like, bam, and tackles him to the ground. TERRENCE: Thank God he was there. JACKIE: Yeah, he was pretty freaked out after, but...he's doing okay now. Terrence gives a long sigh. JACKIE: What? TERRENCE: I'm the one who's supposed to keep you safe. Supposed to make your life easier, and I...I've made it a circus. Jackie laughs. JACKIE: Okay, no more painkillers for you. Hey, you're out of your mind. My life is not a circus. No, it's the best it's ever been. INT - PRISON - DAY. A guard points Aaron to his seat in the visitor's area. GUARD: There. Aaron takes his seat behind the glass. Logan is on the other side of the glass. Aaron picks up the phone and gestures for Logan to do the same. AARON: Hello, son. LOGAN: You know, if you would've given Lilly the performance you gave today, she might've given you the Oscar. AARON: I wanted to talk to you before you testify. Logan nods. AARON: We both know the D.A.'s gonna ask what you saw on those tapes. I think it's in your best interest that you don't tell him. Logan laughs. LOGAN: What, because I want so desperately for you to be free so we can be a family again? AARON: Logan, the moment that you say you saw those tapes, you will be admitting to destroying State's evidence. I'm gonna win this, son. And there's no sense in you being convicted of a felony. LOGAN: Aw gee, Dad. You're always lookin' out for me. Thanks for the advice. Logan hangs up the phone, stares at his father for a moment and then rises from his seat. As he leaves, he gives Aaron a little wave. EXT - NHS, CAR PARK - DAY. Veronica walks through the car park. She pauses when she sees Beaver, staring down at the door of his car. Someone has scratched "Amber is a bitch" on the paintwork. Standing with Beaver is Hart, last seen with his homemade war movie which caught a body falling from the Coronado Bridge in 114 "Mars vs Mars." BEAVER: I don't even know an Amber, I didn't know an Amber went to this school. I just... HART: It's crazy. BEAVER: I don't know. Veronica joins them. VERONICA: Hey, Cassidy. Who's Amber? BEAVER: I have no idea. VERONICA: They keyed the wrong car? How's Amber gonna know that she's a bitch? BEAVER: No, yeah, this is, this is hysterical. Do you know how much this is gonna cost to fix? Not to mention how long it's gonna take. HART: Hey, Veronica. Veronica doesn't remember him. VERONICA: Hey...you. HART: Hart? She doesn't appear much the wiser. HART: I haven't said a thing. Hart gestures a zipped mouth. VERONICA: Good for you. Veronica starts to walk away but turns back with an idea. VERONICA: Beav. Beaver, crouched down inspecting the damage, looks up at her. VERONICA: I think I know someone who can help you. EXT - GOODMAN RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Veronica and Gia are in the dining room, studying. On the wall behind them is a large painting, a central feature of which is a man in a catcher's mask. GIA: Finals are so stupid. We already learned this stuff. Why do we have to try and learn it all over again? VERONICA: You know what we should do? GIA: [hopefully] Take a break? VERONICA: I was thinking more, take a practice test. The company that does the textbook has one online. Gia sighs and opens her laptop. GIA: You're really a good student, Veronica. It's kind of sweet. Gia looks at her screen. GIA: Oh my God! VERONICA: Doesn't look that bad. GIA: No, I'm on MySpace, and I used to have like a thousand friends, and suddenly for some reason now I only have nine hundred something. Veronica all but smirks. Glancing at Gia, she starts to hit buttons on her laptop. She groans. VERONICA: Och, dammit! Veronica shuts her laptop with a bang. GIA: What? VERONICA: My computer just crashed. Is there another computer I can use? GIA: We have, like, eighty computers. There's one in the guest room you could use. Veronica rises from the table. VERONICA: No more cyber friends, Gia: health test. Veronica goes into the dark guest room. She partially closes the door, leaving a narrow gap of light. On the screen, she has to authenticate to unlock it. (Mac OS X requires it.) She types in Woody's password. She pulls a sheet of paper from her pocket. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Lucky's emails, Lucky's emails, Lucky's emails... It's a list of the email addresses Lucky used: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], and [email protected]. She holds the list up against the screen. There is a long list of email senders in addition to the ones she is looking for on screen: George Patterson, Jessica Denney, [email protected], Gia, Mike Jurgensen, [email protected], Mirage Wireless, Emily Waldorf, Ph.D., Louisa Cetlingsworth, [email protected], Phyllis Teeterborough, SuperStakes Winner, and Carlos Rodriguez. Veronica selects the ones from Lucky. She addresses an email to [email protected] with the subject heading "An Evening With the Goodmans, Fwd: Wait! Th...." The first of Lucky's emails, from his misterclean address, is dated March 15, 2006. She pushes send and the five messages she has selected, one of which has a 5.6MB attachment start to upload. As she waits, she looks along the line at the subjects of some more emails. These include ones from Lucky's anon address ("Tick Tock"), SuperStakes (SuperStakes May Have Selected You To Win!!!), Carlos Rodriguez (Need to speak with you after practice), Paul Cooper <[email protected]> (Financial question, call me when you g...), and on the topics of "Blahblahblahblahblah" (from one of Lucky's addresses), "World's Best Knock-Knock Jokes" and "Pleasure meeting you." The last on the list is from [email protected] and says "Kill incorporation or else." VERONICA: "Kill incorporation or else." Or else...what? Veronica clicks on it. The email was sent on May 10th at 11:40pm. It consists of an audio file of 2.3MB. Veronica glances at the door before playing it. In the background of the audio, a voice is speaking French. A voice in English then speaks out clearly and Veronica races to turn down the volume. VOICE 1: We have to tell people what Woody did to the three of us. It's gonna come out someday. A couple of the Sharks had to know about it. They'll come forward. Things like this don't stay secret. VOICE 2: Damn right. VOICE 1: Woody's a pervert. He's sick! What he did to us is wrong! We were just kids. Veronica is stunned by what she hears and frantically types a new email to Keith. She mistypes and backspaces hurriedly. VERONICA: Come on! She types in the right address and presses the send button. The light from the hall starts to fill the room as the door is pushed open. Veronica looks up in horror. WOODY: Veronica. Woody is standing there menacingly. WOODY: What are you doing in here? Veronica is momentarily frozen (or there's a commercial break). She pulls herself together. VERONICA: Hey. Mr. Goodman. Uh, Gia said I could use the computer. Veronica covers the mouse with her hand, hovering over the send status window. The file is still sending. VERONICA: I was taking a practice test and my laptop died. I hope you don't mind. Woody walks towards her. WOODY: Come on, Veronica. Mi casa es su casa. Veronica is relieved that the email is sent just as Woody reaches her. She jiggles the mouse and the PlanetZowie screen is displayed. Woody looks at the screen. WOODY: So. How'd it work out for you? VERONICA: Sorry? WOODY: Your practice test. Are you as smart as you think you are? VERONICA: [nervously] I hope so. I-I should get back to Gia. WOODY: Mmhm. Veronica races out of the room. Woody watches her go and then sits down at the computer. Veronica returns to the dining room. VERONICA: Gia? Gia isn't in her seat. Veronica quickly packs up her stuff and makes a move to leave as fast as she can. Woody is watching her from the hallway. Gia returns to the room bearing two large bowls of ice cream. GIA: Where are you going? I have study fuel. VERONICA: I have to go. I...get these headache things and I feel one coming. Veronica, who hasn't noticed Woody, freezes at the voice behind her. WOODY: It's the computer screen. All that squinting. Can't be good for you. Veronica, not turning around, fakes a laugh. VERONICA: Well, thanks. I'll see you tomorrow, Gia. Veronica walks out, forcing herself to keep a normal pace. Woody watches her go. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Veronica is playing the audio recording for Keith. VERONICA: Do you hear those voices in the background? Are they speaking French? VOICE 1: We have to tell people what Woody did to the three of us. It's gonna come out someday. KEITH: "Three of us." VOICE 1: A couple of the Sharks had to know-- Veronica stops the recording. VERONICA: Didn't it just sound like two guys? KEITH: Those gaps in the audio. I think another speaker was edited out of this recording. VERONICA: "A couple of the Sharks had to know about it." Lucky was a batboy for the Sharks... KEITH: And that's when he met Woody. VERONICA: Did Lucky's emails say anything about being molested? KEITH: No, it's hard to say. Keith reaches for a pile of printed-off emails. KEITH: It's a lot of crazy ramblings, stream of consciousness ranting about war and the life of a soldier. It's hard to make sense of 'em. VERONICA: I'll help you. KEITH: Honey. I want you to go to bed. You have a big day tomorrow. INT - COUNTY BUILDING, COURTROOM - DAY. A hand rests on a bible. BAILIFF: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God? Veronica is standing, holding up her right hand. VERONICA: I do. Lavoie gets up from his seat slowly. LAVOIE: Miss Mars. You find wealth and fame seductive, don't you? PROSECUTOR: Objection. LAVOIE: I'll back up. Your past two boyfriends, Duncan Kane and the accused's son Logan Echolls, certainly fit that description, do they not? VERONICA: They do. LAVOIE: And Lilly Kane was your best friend. VERONICA: Yes. LAVOIE: You looked up to her. VERONICA: Yes. LAVOIE: Emulated her? VERONICA: To a degree. LAVOIE: Is that why you propositioned Mr. Echolls upon discovering the tape of Lilly and my client kissing? Veronica looks directly at Aaron. VERONICA: You mean naked kissing? With Aaron on top, gyrating? That tape? Aaron shakes his head. LAVOIE: You watched the tape, you found Mr. Echolls at the Kane party, and you told him that you'd give him back the tapes but he had to earn them. What exactly did you mean by "earn"? VERONICA: I never said that. I didn't proposition Mr. Echolls, he hid in my back seat. Lavoie takes off his glasses and sighs heavily before replacing them. LAVOIE: Miss Mars. You're how old? VERONICA: Eighteen. LAVOIE: And you're currently completing treatment for a sexually transmitted disease? Veronica silently gasps and jerks back in her seat. PROSECUTOR: Objection! JUDGE: I'll allow it. Voices mutter in the courtroom. Lamb is amused. Keith pales a little. Veronica stares at her father and gulps. LAVOIE: Should I repeat the question? VERONICA: I've completed the treatment. The jury watches her with interest. Cut to the hallway outside the courtroom. Keith is waiting. Veronica exits, her arms wrapped around her body. She stops next to him. KEITH: Are you okay? VERONICA: Yeah. KEITH: I mean, you're okay? Everything's okay? VERONICA: Yeah, I'm fine. Keith pulls her against him and starts to lead her out, his arm around her shoulder. They exit, watched by Lamb who is loving it. From up the hallway, Sacks hurries to Lamb's side. SACKS: Sheriff. Judge Ferris wants to see you, asap. Lamb spins around to follow Sacks. Cut to the chambers of another judge. He is laughing jovially. Leonard Lobo is sitting opposite him. Lamb enters the room. LAMB: You wanted to see me, Judge? Lamb stands next to Lobo. Beyond him and to the side are another two men, sitting on a small couch. JUDGE FERRIS: There's been a development, Sheriff. Seems Mr. Lobo here was struck by a bolt of lighting. LAMB: [sarcastically] What, that he could cash old ladies' social security checks himself and get rid of the slot machines? LOBO: I was with Terrence Cook at the time of the bus crash. There's no way he could be responsible for killing those kids. LAMB: You sure about that? You don't want to...take another couple months to think it over? LOBO: My memory isn't what it used to be. But I was watching this nature program about sharks, and I thought, sharks: my friend Terrence Cook played for the Sharks. Lamb takes a long, deep, disbelieving breath. LOBO: And I realized I haven't seen him since...well. That's when I went and checked my appointment calendar and saw it was the day of that terrible accident. LAMB: Mr. Lobo takes the stand, the jury will find out about his...dealings. LOBO: However, the jury might be more inclined to believe either my corporate attorney or my chief financial officer. He turns in his seat to indicate the men behind him. LOBO: They were also with Mr. Cook on the night in question. The judge looks up at Lamb, expectant. Lamb is defeated and pissed off. He sighs. EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - DAY. Weevil and Beaver are sitting at one of the tables. There is an open book in front of them. They both seem weary. WEEVIL: This is pointless. Beaver sighs. BEAVER: No, okay, look. So you know quadratic equations, right? WEEVIL: Do I look like someone who knows quadratic equations, huh? BEAVER: I'm just, I'm just trying to see what you already know. WEEVIL: Zero. You want your car fixed? Teach me. BEAVER: Okay. Okay. All right, look, so this equation here: what do you think that we should do first? WEEVIL: Am I a five year-old girl? Huh? Lay it out for me, dawg, come on. Make me understand! BEAVER: Okay, okay, okay! Beaver gets an idea. BEAVER: Okay.Okay, so let's say that you and your buddy, you want to buy a twelve pack of a certain item. Say, like, um, like spark plugs, for x dollars, and you want to find out how many of another item, like, um, I dunno, like oil, right, like oil that you can get for the same amount, except oil is y times as much as-- Weevil, growing more and more affronted, has had enough. WEEVIL: If this is your idea of terms I'll understand, I'm going to kill you. Beaver stares at him, a worried look on his face. WEEVIL: Or myself. It's a toss-up. Screw it, man, I'll just cheat. BEAVER: No, but...what about my car? WEEVIL: You know power buffers, right? Well, let's say your door panel is a summer home, right, and you need to clear out the south lawn to make a tennis court so what you got-- MAC: F-O-I-L. The boys look up. Mac is sitting at the next table. MAC: That's all it is. First, outside, inside, last. All algebra, it's just the formula. WEEVIL: Now can you teach me that? MAC: You'll still fix his car? WEEVIL: That's the deal. Mac jumps up and joins them at their table. MAC: Okay. Say you and your buddy buy a twelve pack of spark plugs... Weevil glares at her. MAC: I'm just kidding. She grabs the pencil Beaver is holding out and the pad in front of Weevil. MAC: Here's the quadratic equation. She glances up at Beaver. He smiles. She grins back. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - DAY. Keith is at his desk, flipping through a Sharks Record Guide for 2000. He is on the phone, somewhat impatient. KEITH: Hello? Hello? I'm trying to reach Rick Pickett. From his expression, the person on the other end of the phone is a cretin. KEITH: No, Rick Pickett. He's a freshman. Well maybe you-- The cretin obviously hangs up on Keith who makes a disbelieving and frustrated face at the handset, before returning it to the receiver. Keith looks up and shouts. KEITH: Veronica? VERONICA: [offscreen] Yeah? KEITH: Can you fly to New York, stop by NYU real quick, find Rick Pickett, and see if he was one of the batboys Woody molested? VERONICA: [offscreen] You know I don't fly coach. Keith nods. He rises from his chair and goes into the outer office. Veronica is at her desk, reading one of the emails. KEITH: So, there were three other batboys the year Lucky worked for the Sharks. Two are away at college, one is backpacking through Europe. VERONICA: I'm not doing any better with Lucky's emails. KEITH: What, you can't understand... Keith grabs it out of her hand. KEITH: "Time is the timeliness of the present. You should respond. I've left you so many presents. If you don't find them, they'll find you!" VERONICA: Wait. When I found Lucky in the janitor's closet with Gia, he was showing her a scar he got in Iraq from a present left by the insurgents. He called roadside bombs "presents." This sparks off a bad thought in Keith's head. KEITH: Oh, no. He races for the door, grabbing his jacket on the way out. INT - WOODY'S OFFICE - DAY. Keith barges straight in. KEITH: Woody, we need to talk. Woody is going through a document with his secretary who is standing next to his chair. WOODY: I'm a little busy today, Keith. Woody makes as if to continue what he was doing. KEITH: You wanna have this conversation in private, or shall I just start talking? Woody whispers "okay" to his secretary, giving her a reassuring nod. She exits and Keith closes the door behind her. KEITH: You need to call your family and get them out of the house. Then you need to call the bomb squad and comb the place. WOODY: What are you talking about? KEITH: The emails Lucky sent you. They referenced "presents" he's left for you. He called bombs "presents." WOODY: [laughing] Tommy is dead, Keith. It's over. Wait, how did you...Veronica? He chuckles in disbelief. WOODY: Huh. Most adults don't have their children doing espionage work for them. KEITH: Most adults keep their hands off of other people's children. Woody's demeanour changes abruptly. WOODY: You should leave, Keith. KEITH: I read Lucky's emails to you, Woody. It's clear to me this is more than simply a batboy who resented getting fired. Woody's face is thunderous for a second as he stands, before resuming the jovial mask. This time, it is menacing. WOODY: I'll put this plainly. You. Are mistaken. And if you share your theories, slander me, I'll ruin you. I'll ruin your family, and you'll remember the moment you walked through that door as the moment you threw your life away. KEITH: I'm not a fifteen year-old boy, Woody. You don't scare me. Woody's face shows a hint of cracking as Keith refuses to be intimidated. Keith turns and walks out. INT - COOK RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Jackie and Wallace head for the open-plan kitchen. JACKIE: All right, stand back. It's time to watch me work my culinary magic. Wallace puts the two bags he is carrying on the counter. WALLACE: Wait, don't you want to put on a little frilly apron first? TERRENCE: [offscreen] Jackie? JACKIE: Dad? Terrence's head appears around the door. She runs towards him, excited. JACKIE: What are you doing here? She jumps up into his arms, giving him a huge hug. They both laugh. Wallace watches and Terrence swings her around. TERRENCE: They let me out. Your old man is a free man. Cut to a little later. Jackie is sitting up on the counter, next to Terrence who is leaning against it. JACKIE: I can't believe it. How did this happen? TERRENCE: A witness came forward, verified that I didn't use a cell phone at the time of the bus crash. JACKIE: So you're good to stay? TERRENCE: Right here. WALLACE: I'm gonna let you two celebrate. Congratulations, Mr. Cook. JACKIE: No, no, you're not leaving. Tonight I get to hang with my two favourite men in the whole world. The doorbell rings. JACKIE: Ah, what do you bet that'll be the first of many "I knew you were innocent all along" gift baskets? Cut to Jackie as she opens the door. JACKIE: Hello. Terrence walks slowly up behind her and sees that it is Lobo. LOBO: Out an hour, and you got some sweet young thing waitin' on you. That's my Terrence. TERRENCE: This is my daughter. LOBO: Maybe you want to send her out for ice cream or something. Wallace is hovering behind them. WALLACE: Jackie, let's go get started on dinner. Somewhat reluctantly, Jackie leaves the men alone. LOBO: Isn't there something you want to say to me? "Thank you, Mr. Lobo. How could I ever repay you?" Ah, forget it. I consider it a...business investment. TERRENCE: Leonard, soon as I get on my feet, I-I'm gonna-- Lobo takes a step towards him. LOBO: On your feet? You fixed a game, Cook. Your sport hero days are over. You're a sideshow now. But you're right: you'll be on your feet. Standing at the entrance of my casinos, glad-handing every bozo with a wallet who walks in. See, I don't know where you were at the time of the crash, but I know where you'll be from now on. Wherever. I. Put you. And if you work real hard, you'll have me paid off in a decade. Lobo gives Terrence a friendly pat on the arm before turning and leaving. Terrence is glum. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Veronica makes her way towards an objective. VERONICA VOICEOVER: After a week of forced smiles and the occasional "hey," it's time for business as usual. Ain't epic love grand? She slows as she approaches Logan, looking through a book at his open locker. VERONICA: Been to any good murder trials lately? Surprised, he slaps the book shut and puts it in his locker before turning to face her. LOGAN: Uh, I have. You give an excellent testimony, by the way. Veronica strikes an it-was-nothing pose in response. LOGAN: It's gripping. VERONICA: I want to ask you about something. LOGAN: How unlike you. You never come to me out of the blue with some random question. VERONICA: Did Lucky ever tell you anything about Woody Goodman or the time he spent as a batboy for the Sharks? LOGAN: No, he never mentioned the Sharks. But there was this weird semi-baseball-related thing that happened last summer. FLASHBACK: INT - NHS, JANITOR'S CLOSET - DAY. Logan barges in, happy-go-lucky. He stops short on seeing Lucky who is standing in a large bucket wearing only jeans and a catcher's mask. LUCKY: Dude, I think I got gangrene. Lucky is pouring bleach on his feet from a large plastic bottle. LOGAN: Yeah. Uh, so I need a keg delivered to the beach tonight. Lucky is very agitated, physically shaking. LUCKY: You know, they're doin' something to me. Or I'm, or I'm, or I'm poisoning myself. END FLASHBACK. [SCENE_BREAK] INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. VERONICA: He was wearing a catcher's mask? Really? LOGAN: And I thought the weird part was the foot bleaching. You know, he'd wear the catcher's mask a lot. Whenever we were going into battle. I thought it was an affectation. Logan turns back to his locker and slams it shut as Veronica ponders. KEITH: [offscreen] Veronica told me she was on her way home. INT - COUNTY BUILDING, COURTROOM - DAY. Keith is giving his evidence. KEITH: When she didn't show up when she should've, I drove the route I knew she would've taken. I saw her car, stopped, got out, I heard a commotion in the back of a nearby house and went looking for Veronica. Then I was jumped. LAVOIE: Well, Mr. Echolls testified that after Veronica lost control of the car and crashed it, um, they knocked on the door of a nearby house, asked the owner to call a tow truck, and Veronica and Aaron waited on the man's porch. Aaron nods. Veronica scoffs. LAVOIE: You arrived, saw your daughter in a compromising position, and started a physical altercation with Mr. Echolls. And this version has been confirmed by the occupant of the house. PROSECUTOR: Objection. The homeowner has disappeared, and despite being subpoenaed, has never been questioned by the prosecution. JUDGE: Sustained. LAVOIE: Does your daughter ever...lie to you, Mr. Mars? KEITH: I'm sure she's had occasion to fib. She is a teenage girl, after all. LAVOIE: Other than the occasional fib, would you say that you have a close relationship? KEITH: I would say very close. LAVOIE: So, you would expect to hear the truth on what most people would call the... Lavoie makes air quotes. LAVOIE: ..."big issues." Keith looks at Veronica before returning his attention to Lavoie. KEITH: I would. Lavoie returns to the defence table and picks up a file. LAVOIE: Were you aware that your daughter was caught breaking into the home of Stewart and Rose Manning? Veronica shuts her eyes and takes a deep breath. KEITH: No, I wasn't aware of that. LAVOIE: She was also named in a disciplinary file of Deputy Leo D'Amato. Apparently she managed to...what's the word I'm looking for...manipulate her way into the records room while he was on duty. Did you know about that? KEITH: [becoming testy] If you thought I knew about that, you wouldn't be asking me, would you? LAVOIE: For the court record, Mr. Mars, is that a no? KEITH: Yes, it's a no. LAVOIE: Did your daughter have a personal relationship with Mr. D'Amato? KEITH: Yes, they dated. LAVOIE: The county commissioner hired you to investigate the stolen Echolls tapes. Your report suggested that Logan Echolls procured the tapes due to the negligence of D'Amato. KEITH: That's correct. LAVOIE: Well, doesn't it stand to reason that your daughter, who clearly had this deputy wrapped around her finger, manipulated him in whatever way that pretty young girls manage to manipulate older men, once again? KEITH: You want to be careful there, Mr. Lavoie. Lavoie drops the file on a desk by the jury before walking slowly up towards the witness stand. LAVOIE: She knew the tapes didn't show what she said they showed. So, she convinced one... Lavoie makes air quotes. LAVOIE: ..."boyfriend" to give them to another... Lavoie makes air quotes again. LAVOIE: ..."boyfriend," who she knew would destroy them, thus deflecting blame from yet another... And yet again, bringing him right up close to a boiling Keith. LAVOIE: ..."boyfriend," Duncan Kane! Keith grabs Lavoie by the man's tie, pulling Lavoie's ear close to his mouth. KEITH: Any more air quotes and I'll break those fingers off. Keith lets go as the courtroom babbles in shock. JUDGE: Bailiff, have this witness taken-- Lavoie, having achieved exactly what he wanted, is magnanimous. LAVOIE: I'm fine, your Honour. The bailiff heading towards Keith pauses. The horrified murmuring continues around the room. Keith glances over at the jury uncomfortably. LAVOIE: Witness can be excused. Keith drops his head, knowing that he has blown it. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Mac and Weevil are sitting face to face using a couple of student's desks. Beaver is behind Mac, leaning against a teacher's desk, watching them. Mac uses a red pen to check Weevil's work. WEEVIL: Okay, you put another X on that paper and we're gonna have a problem. MAC: I'd put little smiley faces, but I don't know if that's gonna sell "wrong." BEAVER: I told you you went too fast on bouncing equations. MAC: I didn't go too fast. BEAVER: You ploughed right through! I didn't understand what you were talking about! MAC: No surprise there. BEAVER: What, are you saying you're smarter than me? MAC: No, I wasn't. Here's what that would've sounded like: "I'm smarter than you." Hear the difference? BEAVER: You don't really believe that. MAC: Then why'd I get it tattooed on my hip? Weevil, feeling very de trop, shakes his head. BEAVER: Well, if this is what you need to do to feel better about yourself... MAC: If I get you an A, will you shiv him? WEEVIL: Hey, I got an idea: how 'bout you two geniuses go work out your aggression in some coat room, and then come back here and teach me algebra, huh? Mac looks back at Beaver and they both laugh. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Veronica enters the apartment. Keith is sitting on the armchair, his head in his hands. Veronica looks at him sympathetically, and with not a little guilt, before closing the door behind her. VERONICA: So, I did a little digging. Without breaking any laws, or putting myself in danger, and I did it at school, so you knew exactly where I was at the time. KEITH: You understand why I don't find this amusing? VERONICA: I do. KEITH: So what did you find out, Veronica? VERONICA: Logan told me he once found Lucky in the janitor's closet wearing only jeans and a catcher's mask, and bleaching his feet. This is who they hire at my high school. This triggers something in Keith. He gets up excitedly and goes over to his laptop on the counter. KEITH: He was wearing a catcher's mask? Veronica looks over his shoulder. Keith runs the video of Woody's house. VERONICA: Yeah. Why, what are you doing? KEITH: I want to look at the surveillance tape Lucky sent to Woody. I think I remember seeing something. Keith pauses the video at the end, where the film shows the Goodmans at the dining room table. The painting can be seen behind them. VERONICA: I don't understand. What am I looking at? KEITH: It's a painting behind the table. That's a catcher's mask. As Veronica takes Keith's place at the counter to look more closely at the video, Keith races over to his phone. Veronica runs the film backwards and forwards to the pictures of the baseball players as Keith punches a number. KEITH: [on the phone] Inga? Keith Mars. VERONICA: [to herself] Why is he filming the wall like that? KEITH: [on the phone] I need you to call the bomb squad. There's a problem at the Goodman home. Veronica pauses on one of the Little League team pictures, one with eleven players and Woody. At the bottom of the picture is a placard, naming them the Sharks. A second picture next to it, also shows a Little League team but it has twelve players. VERONICA: [to herself] Woody's Little League team was called the Sharks? Veronica peers closely at the picture with eleven boys. VERONICA: [to herself] Oh my God. KEITH: [on the phone] I know, but I think Lucky may have hid a bomb behind a painting in their dining room. Veronica pulls out a file from her bag. She opens it, checking something against the picture on screen. VERONICA: Dad? You need to see this. KEITH: [on the phone] Okay. Will you let me know? Thank you. Keith wraps up his call and joins her at the counter. Veronica points to the screen. VERONICA: That's Marcos Oliveres, and that's Peter Ferrer. Two of the boys who died in the bus crash were on Woody's Little League team, the Sharks. EXT - GOODMAN RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Vehicles are gathered outside the house, including one each from the bomb squad, the fire department and the sheriff's department. Woody, Mrs. Goodman, Gia and Rodney are all standing in a huddle in their night clothes. Woody steps forward to complain to Lamb. WOODY: How long is this going to take? This is ridiculous. LAMB: They found something. There was a bomb under your car. They did a thorough sweep of the house, it's clear. Your stalker obviously meant business. Lamb walks away. Woody is bemused. INT - COOK RESIDENCE - DAY. Terrence walks into the kitchen area. Jackie is sitting at the table, eating breakfast. JACKIE: Hey. Late night, huh? I guess you're due for a couple rowdy evenings. Terrence goes to the counter and pours himself a coffee. He is in a sour mood. TERRENCE: I was working. JACKIE: So, what's this new job? You haven't told me anything. What kind of work do they have you doing? TERRENCE: The kind of work I have to do, okay? Jackie acknowledges the rebuff and tries again. JACKIE: Well, when's your night off? We still need to celebrate. TERRENCE: I can't make any plans right now, Jackie. JACKIE: Okay, that's fine. It's not like we're pressed for time or anything. I've decided not to go to Paris. At least not for a semester. TERRENCE: I don't think that's a good idea. I'm gonna be working a lot now, and...travelling non-stop. I don't know when I'm gonna be here, when I'm not gonna be here. It's not fair to you. JACKIE: But I don't mind. TERRENCE: [curtly] It's not fair to either of us, Jackie, all right? I think it's in both of our best interests if...you just go to France. Jackie nods but is gutted. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Lamb has his feet up on his desk. He's listening to the audio recording. VOICE 1: Woody's a pervert. He's sick. What he did to us is wrong. We were just kids. Keith, sitting on the other side of Lamb's desk with Veronica, stops the playback. KEITH: It's Marcos Oliveres and Peter Ferrer, two of the kids killed in the bus crash. VERONICA: I verified Peter's voice with his teacher, Mr. Wu, and I have tapes of Marcos from a radio show he did. KEITH: Woody molested Marcos and Peter. They were gonna come forward, so he killed them. LAMB: By putting a bomb on the bus. KEITH: Yes. LAMB: Then he used the same type of phone-activated bomb on his own car to blow himself up. KEITH: There was a bomb in Woody's car? LAMB: You were right, Keith. You thought Lucky planted a bomb, and he did. Did you know that Lucky blew off work the day of the crash? KEITH: Lucky is not responsible for this. LAMB: You wanna hear my theory on the whole situation? You are trying to get me to arrest the mayor. You wanna turn me into a laughingstock, again. And it ain't gonna happen. KEITH: [angry] Is your ego really that enormous that you can take the murder of eight people and make it about you? Lamb leans back in his chair, smug. KEITH: If you don't act on this, Woody's gonna use all his money and resources to disappear. You won't be a laughingstock. You'll be the guy who let a child molester and a murderer get away! Lamb is not persuaded. INT - COUNTY BUILDING, COURTROOM - DAY. Logan is giving his evidence. LOGAN: There was just some fuzz. Static, no picture. And then I saw Lilly wearing only her bra sitting on top of someone writhing. I couldn't see who it was at first, and then they rolled over and I saw my father. He climbed on top of her and continued to have s*x with her. He actually smiled at the camera a couple times. PROSECUTOR: You're certain they were having s*x. LOGAN: Yes. PROSECUTOR: No further questions, your Honour. JUDGE: Your witness, Mr. Lavoie. Lavoie gets up from the defence table. LAVOIE: Mr. Echolls, you claimed you destroyed the tapes. You are aware that's a felony? LOGAN: Yes. LAVOIE: Were you granted immunity in exchange for your testimony? LOGAN: Yes I was. Logan gives Aaron a defiant look. Aaron gazes back at him with equanimity. LAVOIE: Thank you. No further questions, your Honour. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Weevil sits amongst the rest of the class and yawns. A teacher is setting a test on each student's desk. Weevil shifts his in front of him and gazes at it. He kisses the cross hanging from the chain around his neck and makes a start. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. A Latino woman with two young boys walks into the main area. Sacks is at the counter. Lamb is next to him, checking the computer. WOMAN: I need to talk to someone about this. She hands Sacks a newspaper. It is folded to a story that reads: "Mystery Sharks' Stadium body identified as PCH gang leader." It is written by John McGill, a staff writer. There is a picture of Thumper, captioned with his real name, Eduardo Orozco. The story reads: "Forensic experts have positively identified the unknown remains pulled from the rubble of Sharks' Stadium last week as those of Neptune High student and PCH gang leader, Eduardo "Thumper" Orozco. Initial identification of the body was impossible due to the near {?} of known and identifiable features. Dental impressions and a cross-check of {?} confirmed the body to be Orozco's. Details concerning the cause of death have {?} not been forthcoming from the Sheriff's department. 'Once we let the experts {?} this case to a thorough {?}, then we'll be able to tell you more details regarding the case,' Sheriff Lamb {?} in a press conference yesterday. 'All that I'm able to say is that Mr. Orozco, with his history of arrests and sentences, will be able to {?} Neptune no further,' Lamb added. Orozco was no stranger to the law. Having been arrested {?}...." Another story can be seen underneath: "Test result errors rampant in SATs, effects immense." WOMAN: This boy that was killed. The night that he went missing, my boys saw someone attack him. Lamb takes an interest and grabs the paper from Sacks' hand. WOMAN: They say they got a pretty good look. Lamb glances at it and then tosses the paper aside. He gestures for the boys to come forward. They come around the side of the counter and Lamb crouches down to their level. LAMB: You boys feel like looking at some pictures? INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Weevil waits nervously as his teacher marks his test. She writes the grade on the front and hands it to him. Weevil snatches it and peers down. MS. CANNING: Congratulations, Eli. On the sheet headed "Algebra Test Chapters 8-10," Weevil has a B. Weevil laughs. WEEVIL: Aw, hell yeah! INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. The boys are looking at the mug shots. They point to a picture and turn to Lamb. BOY: It was this guy. It's Weevil, holding up a placard that says "Balboa County Sheriff's Dept. 42 08952." Lamb smiles. KEITH: [offscreen] Don! He looks up to see Keith hurrying towards him, a sheet of paper in his hand. KEITH: You gotta see this. Ever sceptical, Lamb takes the sheet of paper. KEITH: Lucky wasn't at work the day of the bus crash because he was in a padded cell at a VA hospital. LAMB: [shouting] Sacks! [to Keith] I'll go pick Woody up. Sacks approaches them from behind Keith. SACKS: Well, I guess you heard. LAMB: About what? SACKS: The Echolls trial? The jury reached a verdict? INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Veronica is leaning against the wall, doing some last minute studying. Wallace, bouncy, slides along the wall next to her, bumping her hip. WALLACE: I just took my last high school test ever. Done, over. I'm outta here. Veronica continues to study. VERONICA: And you decided to celebrate by torturing me? WALLACE: Whatta you got, one more? VERONICA: Nothing like having your future rest on how much you know about the ascendancy rules of Babylon. WALLACE: Well, I gotta go clean out my locker. VERONICA: You got that salmon I left in there for you, right? WALLACE: You better enjoy this, 'cause this is as nostalgic as I get. Music: "Lost and Found" by Adrienne Pierce. LYRICS: Sleeping with the television, and all the lights on One of us is leaving soon but we're both already gone Stuck at the lost and found, we watch things disappear Looking for the missing piece but it was never here Veronica finally gives him her undivided attention. WALLACE: I just wanted to say...it was worth getting taped to a pole. Gonna miss you. VERONICA: And my stupid-ass face? They laugh. WALLACE: I gotta go grab my stuff, then I'll pick up my lady, do a little celebratin'. Wallace walks on and Veronica watches him go with a smile. As he walks away, Wallace turns to face her again, continuing to walk backwards. WALLACE: This conversation never happened! Veronica closes her book and heads for her class. VERONICA: Sure it did. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Veronica and other students wait while the teacher hands out the test. Veronica can see Wallace clearing out his locker through the classroom's open door. She smiles fondly as she watches him, until the teacher closes the door. Veronica's cell buzzes. She takes it out of her pocket and looks at it. The date is all screwy (Jan 4, 9:37am). The message is from Keith: "The verdict is in...." VERONICA VOICEOVER: The verdict is in. Veronica takes a deep breath. The teacher puts the test on her desk. Veronica is torn. She decides to be sensible, puts the phone back in her pocket and writes her name on the test. She pauses. She thinks hard again and this time, she's resolved. She puts down her pen, grabs her bag and leaves the classroom. EXT - COOK RESIDENCE - DAY. Wallace runs up the steps to the front door. He knocks. Terrence answers. WALLACE: Afternoon, Mr. Cook. I'm just picking up Jackie. TERRENCE: She's not here, Wallace. WALLACE: Oh. Well, she knows I'm coming, so...you mind if I wait? Wallace takes a step forward to enter the house. Terrence doesn't move, instead holding out a note. TERRENCE: Jackie left for France this morning. She wanted me to give you this. I'm sorry. Wallace, confused and upset, takes the note. Terrence shuts the door. As Wallace turns and walks away from the door, he opens the note and starts to read. KEITH: [offscreen] So Lamb, you got Woody in custody yet? INT - COUNTY BUILDING, COURTROOM - DAY. Keith is in his seat in the courtroom. Lamb is crouched down beside him. LAMB: Woody's gone. Keith sighs and shakes his head. LAMB: He took his private plane, there's no flight plan on record. BAILIFF: All rise. Lamb glances at the front of the courtroom, stands and moves away. The people in the room stand. Logan's also in the courtroom. The judge takes her seat and everyone sits except Aaron, Lavoie and the female foreman of the jury. JUDGE: Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict? FOREMAN: We have, Your Honour. On the count of murder in the second degree, we find the defendant...not guilty. Keith shuts his eyes in pain. Veronica is stunned. Most of the people in the courtroom are excited. FOREMAN: On the count of aggravated assault, we find the defendant...not guilty. On the count of statutory rape, we find the defendant...not guilty. Each comes as a body blow to Veronica. Aaron and Lavoie shake hands and hug. LAVOIE: Congratulations, Aaron. Logan is also stunned as he watches them, knowing his actions were in part responsible. Veronica is still in shock, staring at Aaron, her eyes filling. ANOTHER LAWYER: Congratulations, Aaron. Veronica watches Aaron thank his legal team, her mouth tight. Aaron finally looks directly at her, quietly triumphant. Veronica's mouth starts to quiver as she breaks eye contact, looking inside herself, distraught. End.

Aaron finally goes to trial for his crimes, and Veronica and Logan are the key witnesses. Keith and Veronica discover that Woody molested two boys who died in the bus crash. Jackie's father Terrence is cleared as a suspect, but must work off his casino debt. Lucky shows up at Neptune High and threatens Gia Goodman, and is killed by security. Sheriff Lamb tries to arrest Goodman, and Aaron is acquitted at his trial.

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_02x05

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_02x05_0

Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The Summers house at night. Cut to Xander in Buffy's room. Weird Hindi music and singing is coming from the TV. Xander: Is she dying? The camera pans past Willow over to Buffy. She and Xander are lying on the bed. Willow is sitting on the floor letting them braid her hair. Buffy: I think she's singing. Xander: To a telephone in Hindi. Now that's entertainment! The Hindi woman on TV dances around the room while singing into the phone. Xander: Why is she singing? Willow: She's sad because her lover gave her twelve gold coins, but then the wizard cut open the bag of salt, and now the dancing minions have nowhere to put their big maypole... fish thing. (takes a sip of her drink) Xander: Uh-huh. Why is she singing? Buffy: Her lover? I thought that was her chiropractor. Willow: Because of that thing he did with her feet? No, that was personal. Xander: Hmm. And we thought just because we didn't have any money or anyplace to go this would be a lackluster evening. Willow: I know! We could go to the Bronze and sneak in our own tea bags and ask for hot water. (smiles) Xander: Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in jail. Buffy: I, for one, am giddy and up. There's a kinda hush all over Sunnydale. No demons or vampires to slay, I'm here with my friends... (tilts her head at the TV) So, how does the water buffalo fit in again? Xander shakes his head. Cut to the lawn in front of the Delta Zeta Kappa fraternity house. The camera pans along the grass and then up to the house. Cut to the balcony. A girl crashes through the glass door. She rolls over the balcony railing and doesn't hesitate to drop to the ground below. A fraternity brother in a dark hooded robe rushes out onto the balcony after her. When he sees that she jumped he quickly goes back inside. Cut to the girl on the ground now. She gets up, apparently not hurt in the fall, and begins to run as fast as she can. Five brothers, all wearing robes, come streaming out of the house after her. She runs into the trees, looks around for which way to go and makes tracks for the wall to the north. Just as she reaches it she trips and falls, but quickly gets up, climbs a low tree branch and jumps over to the wall. She shimmies over the top and drops down the other side into the cemetery. The fraternity brothers follow her over the wall one by one. She runs through the cemetery for all she's worth as the boys give chase. One of the brothers is waiting ahead of her, and she runs into him and screams. Richard: Callie! Callie, where're you going? The party's just getting started. She sobs uncontrollably as he shoves her over to the others, and they take her away. He has a look around to make sure no one saw, pulls his hood over his head and follows them back to the house. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High School. Cut to the hall. Cordelia is demonstrating her fake laugh to another girl. Cordelia: (fake laughter) See? Dr. Debi says when a man is speaking you make serious eye contact, and you really, really listen, and you laugh at everything he says. (laughs again) Cut to the stairs. Willow and Buffy come down and head down the hall. Willow: You dreamed about Angel again? Buffy: Third night in a row. Willow: What did he do in the dream? Buffy: Stuff. Willow: (smiles wide) Oh! Stuff! (Buffy smiles) Was it one of those vivid dreams where you could feel his lips and smell his hair? Buffy: It had surroundsound. I'm just thinking about him so much lately. Willow: You two are so right for each other. Except for the, uh... Buffy: Vampire thing. Willow: That doesn't make him a bad person. Necessarily. Buffy: I'm brainsick. I can't have a relationship with him. Willow: Not during the day, but you could ask him for coffee some night. It's the non-relationship drink of choice. Xander comes out of a classroom, sees them and hurries to catch up. Willow: It's not a date, it's a caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it's hot and bitter like a relationship that way, but... Xander: What's like a relationship? Buffy: Nothing I have. Coffee? Xander: Huh? He stops by Cordelia as Willow and Buffy get a drink at the fountain. Cordelia: (to the girl) There's really no comparison between college men and high school boys. (looks up at Xander) I mean, look at that. Xander: So, Cor, you're datin' college guys now. Cordelia: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I happen to be dating a Delta Zeta Kappa. Xander: Oh! An extra-terrestrial. So that's how you get a date after you exhausted all the human guys. Cordelia: You'll go to college someday, Xander. I just know your pizza delivery career will take you so many exciting places. Xander has no comeback for that, and joins the girls at the drinking fountain. Buffy and Willow have smiles on their faces from overhearing. The bell rings. Buffy: (remembering) Oh! I told Giles I'd meet him in the library ten minutes ago! Aw, he won't be upset. There hasn't been much paranormal activity lately. She heads for the library. Cut to the library. Giles paces while he lectures her. Giles: Just because the paranormal is more normal and less... para of late is no excuse for tardiness or letting your guard down. Buffy: I haven't let my guard down. Giles: Oh, really? You yawned your way through weapons training last week, you, you, you, you skipped hand-to-hand entirely... Are you gonna be prepared if a demon springs up behind you and does this? He swings his arm over her shoulder from behind, but she grabs it and pulls it behind his back, forcing him to bend over and wince in pain. She has a bored look on her face. Giles: (in pain) Yeah, well, I'm, I'm not a demon. Which is why you should let go now. She lets him go. Giles: (quietly) Thank you. He straightens up and rubs his wrist. Giles: When you live on top of a... a mystical convergence it's only a matter of time before a fresh hell breaks loose. Now is the time that you should train more strictly, you should hunt and patrol more keenly, you should hone your skills day and night. Buffy: And the little slice of life that still belongs to me from, I don't know, seven to seven-oh-five in the morning, can I do what I want then? Giles: Buffy, you think I don't know what it's like to be sixteen? Buffy: No. I think you *don't* know what it's like to be sixteen. And a girl. And the Slayer. Giles: Fair enough, no, no, I-I don't. Buffy: Or what it's like to have to stake vampires while you're having fuzzy feelings towards one? Giles: Uh... Buffy: Digging on the undead doesn't exactly do wonders for your social life. Giles: That's exactly where, where being... different, uh, comes in handy. Buffy: Right! Who needs a social life when you've got your very own Hellmouth? Giles: Yes! Y-you, you, you have a duty, a-a-a purpose, y-y-you have a commitment in life. Now how many people your age can say that? Buffy: We talkin' foreign or domestic? How 'bout none? Giles: (he's had enough) Well, here's a hard fact of life: we all have to do things we don't like! And you have hand-to-hand this afternoon and patrol tonight. So I, I suggest you come straight here at the end of, of period six a-and you get your homework done. And don't dawdle with your friends. (Buffy pouts) And, and don't think sitting there pouting is gonna get to me, because it won't. She gives him her best pouty look. Giles: (looks away) It's not getting to me. Cut to the front of the building after school. Buffy is sitting on the railing of the stairs to the street. Xander and Willow are walking toward her. Xander: Boy, what a long day. Willow: And you skipped three classes. Xander: Yeah, and, of course, *they* flew by. (they reach Buffy) Buffy! Willow: Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework in the library? Buffy: I'm dawdling (takes Xander's arm) with my friends. Cordelia comes walking by and bumps into Willow. She continues down the stairs without so much as an acknowledgment. Xander: Works for me. A black BMW pulls up to the curb. The windows are all darkly tinted. Buffy: (to Willow) You okay? Willow: Jeez. They all watch Cordelia. Cut to her reflection in the car window. She pushes her sunglasses on top of her head as the driver's window lowers. Richard: Cordelia. Cordelia: Hi, Richard. Nice car. Tom in the passenger's seat notices Buffy sitting on the railing and points her out to Richard. Richard: So, uh, we're having a little get-together tomorrow night at the house, and it's gonna be a really special evening. Cordelia does her fake laugh. Richard and Tom don't get it. Richard: Excuse me? Cordelia: Oh! I would, I would love, *love* to go! Richard: So, who's your friend? (indicates Buffy) Cordelia: (looks) Her? Oh, she's not my friend. Tom: She's amazing! Cordelia: She's more like a sister, really! We're that close. Richard: Well, why don't you introduce us? Cordelia: (realizes she's trapped herself) Okay. (goes to get Buffy) Cut to Buffy, Xander and Willow. Xander: Okay, so tonight, channel fifty-nine, Indian TV, s*x, lies, incomprehensible story lines. I'll bring the betel nuts. Cordelia: (reaches for Buffy's hand) Come on. Richard and his fraternity brother wanna meet you. Buffy: Well, I don't really wanna meet any fraternity boys. Cordelia: (pulls her) And if there was a God, don't you think he'd keep it that way? Willow and Xander watch as Cordelia drags Buffy away. Xander: Uh, I-I believe we were dawdling here! Cordelia brings Buffy up to Richard. Richard: Hi, sweetheart. I'm Richard. And you are? Buffy: *So* not interested. (tries to leave) Cordelia: (grabs Buffy's hand) Heh, she's such a little comedienne. Richard: What, she likes to play hard to get? Tom: No, Richard. I think you're playing easy to resist. Buffy starts to leave again. Tom paces her. Tom: Ah, feel free to ignore him. I do all the time. (she stops) I'm Tom Warner. I'm a senior at Crestwood College, and I... and I just feel like a complete dolt meeting you this way, so... (crosses his arms) here I stand in all my doltishness. Willow and Xander are within earshot of Tom and Buffy and overhear the conversation. Xander: Huh-huh-huh, right. Like she's gonna fall for that. Buffy: I'm Buffy Summers. Tom: Oh, nice to meet you. Are you a senior here? Buffy: Junior. Tom: Oh, me, too. Except that I'm a senior and I'm in college. So we have that in common, and... I major in history. Buffy: Mm. History stumps me. I have a hard enough time remembering what happened last week. Tom: No, nothin' happened last week, don't worry, I was there. Xander: She's gonna walk away. (pauses) Now. Tom: So, uh, my friend invited your friend to a party we're having this weekend. Cordelia does her fake laugh loudly for Richard. Tom: You know, actually he's not even really my friend. I only joined the fraternity because my father and grandpa were in it before me. Y'know, it meant a lot to them. Xander: Okay, boots, start a-walking. Tom: Oh, I know, I talk too much anyway. They're really dull parties full of really dull people, so... would you like to come and save me from a really dull fate? Buffy: Oh, I wish I could, but I'm sort of involved. Tom: Well, sure, of course you are. Well, thanks for letting me ramble. Buffy: Y'know, people underestimate the value of a good ramble. Giles spots her talking to Tom and calls out to her. Giles: Buffy! She turns to look and sees him pointing at his watch and walk off to the library. Buffy: Oh, I gotta go. (turns to go but stops and smiles) It was nice to meet you. Tom: Oh. Same here. Buffy hops up the stairs. Xander hands her bag to her, and she runs off to the library. Tom watches her go. Xander: I hate these guys. Whatever they want just falls into their laps. Don't you hate these guys? Willow: Yeah, with their charmed lives and their movie star good looks and more money than you can count? I'm hating. Cut to the library. Giles comes out of the cage holding a sword in one hand and a stick in the other. Giles: I'm going to attack you. A word of warning: for your own good, I won't be pulling any punches. (adopts a fighting stance) Buffy: Please don't. She kicks the sword out of his left hand. He looks at her a bit dismayed, but quickly swings the stick at her. She sidesteps him, and the end of the stick hits the floor. She pins his arm down and stomps on the stick, breaking it. He tries to lunge at her, but she sidesteps again, and he runs into the table and slides across the top. Giles: Good. So, um, you're on patrol and, uh, I'll see you in the morning. Cut to the cemetery at night. Buffy strolls through, keeping a careful watch. She spots a bracelet on the ground and bends down to pick it up. Angel suddenly appears behind her. Angel: There's blood on it. Buffy: (gets up startled and faces him) Hi. It's nice to... Blood? Angel: I can smell it. Buffy: Oh. (looks at the bracelet) It's pretty thin. It probably belonged to a girl. Angel: Probably. Buffy: (exhales) I-I was... just thinking, wouldn't it be funny some time to see each other when it wasn't a blood thing. (smiles briefly) Not funny ha, ha. Angel: What are you sayin', you wanna have a date? Buffy: No. Angel: You don't wanna have a date? Buffy: Who said 'date'? I-I-I never said 'date'. Angel: Right. You just wanna have coffee or somethin'. Buffy: (hopefully) Coffee? Angel: I knew this was gonna happen. Buffy: What? What do you think is happening? Angel: You're sixteen years old. I'm two hundred and forty-one. Buffy: I've done the math. Angel: You don't know what you're doing, you don't know what you want... Buffy: Oh. No, I, I think I do. I want out of this conversation. (starts to walk past him) Angel: (bumps into her) Listen, if we date you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another. Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label? Angel: I'm just tryin' to protect you. This could get outta control. Buffy: Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? He grabs her by the shoulders and pulls her closer. She draws a startled breath. Angel: This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after. Buffy: No. When you kiss me I wanna die. She pulls herself free and runs off. Cut to school the next morning. Cut to a classroom. Class is over and the students are leaving. Buffy slowly gets up from her desk and gathers her things. Cordelia comes into the room. Cordelia: Buffy! Did you lose weight? And your hair... Alright, I respect you too much to be dishonest. The hair's a little... (smiles widely) Well, that really isn't the point here, is it? The Zeta Kappas have to have a certain balance at their party, and Richard explained it all to me, but I was so busy really listening that I didn't hear much. Anyway, the deal is they need you to go. And if you don't go, I can't. And I'm talking about Richard Anderson, okay? As in Anderson Farms, Anderson Aeronautics (becomes emotional) and Anderson Cosmetics. (sobs) Well, you see why I *have* to go. Buffy, these men are rich. And I am *not* being shallow. Think of all the poor people I could help with all my money! Buffy: (off in her own world) I'll go. Cordelia: (surprised) You'll go? (huge smile) Great! I'll drive. Oh, Buffy, it's like we're sisters! With really different hair. She turns to leave and can't believe she just said what she did. Buffy can't believe it either. Cut to the fraternity house basement. A pledge is taking the oath of brotherhood. Richard: I pledge my life and my death... Pledge: I pledge my life and my death... Richard: To the Delta Zeta Kappas, and to Machida whom we serve... Pledge: To the Delta Zeta Kappas, and to Machida whom we serve... Richard: On my oath before my assembled brethren... He starts to carve a symbol into the pledge's chest with the tip of a sword. Pledge: (ignores the pain) On my oath before my assembled brethren... Richard: I promise to keep our secret from this day until my death. Pledge: I promise to keep our secret from this day until my death. Richard is finished carving and lowers the sword. Richard: In blood I was baptized. In blood I shall reign. In his name. Pledge: In blood I was baptized, and in blood I shall reign. In his name. Richard: You are now one of us. Pledge: In his name! Brothers: In his name. Richard puts the sword aside and shakes the pledge's hand. Richard: Brewski time! A brother tosses him a beer. As he opens it he walks over to Callie, who is shackled to the wall. Richard: So what's a girl like you doing in a place like this? Callie: (begs) Let me go. Richard: Let you go? Okay, let me think. Um, no! (laughs) God, I love high school girls. Mm! He walks off to join the party. Callie lowers her head and weeps. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The lounge. Willow gathers her things to go to class. Willow: You're going to the fraternity party? What made you change your mind? Buffy: Angel. Willow: He's going with you? (to Xander) She's got a date with Angel! Isn't that exciting? Xander: I'm elated. (gets up from the couch) Buffy: I-I'm not going with Angel. I'm going with -- ye gods -- Cordelia. (starts out of the lounge) Willow: Cordelia?! (to Xander) Did I sound a little jealous just then, 'cause I'm not really... (runs after Buffy) Cordelia?! Xander: Cordelia's much better for you than Angel. (hurries after them) Willow: (catches up) What happened with Angel? Buffy: Nothing, as usual. A whole lotta nothing with Angel. Xander: Bummer. They head down the hall. Willow: I don't understand. I mean, he likes you. More than likes. Buffy: Angel barely says two words to me. Xander: Don't you hate that? Buffy: And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child. Xander: That b*st*rd! Buffy: You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation. Xander: Yeah! Tom? Who's Tom? Willow: The frat guy. Xander: Oh, Buffy, I don't think so. Frying pan, fire? You know what I'm sayin'. Cut to the library. Giles comes out of his office carrying a sword behind his back and looks around. Seeing there's no one there he starts practicing a few thrusts to his front and back. He spins around and thrusts again. Giles: Will you be ready if a vampire's behind you? He thrusts the sword behind him, pretending he just jabbed one. He raises the sword above his head to stab his pretend fallen victim. Buffy, Willow and Xander come in through the door and see him. He hears the door and looks back. When he sees it's them he tries to make like nothing's going on. Giles: I didn't see you three... creeping about. He tosses the sword through the open cage door and kicks the door shut. Giles: Um, how did it go last night? Buffy: Found this. (gives him the bracelet) Giles: (reads the inscription) E-N-T. Willow: I've seen something like that before. Buffy: It's broken in two. I don't know what the rest of the letters might have spelled. And there's blood on it. Giles: Uh, I didn't see any. Buffy: Angel showed up. He could smell it. Xander: The blood? There's a guy you wanna party with. Giles: Blood. Willow: In Sunnydale. What a surprise. Xander: Okay, here's what we're gonna do: she should probably make the rounds again tonight, and we should try to figure out who that bracelet belongs to. Giles: Yes, good idea, yes. She'll patrol, and, and we'll reconvene... Buffy: (interrupting) Uh, hello? She's standing right here? And she's not available. Giles: Why not? Xander: Buffy, this is a little more important than... Buffy: I've got a mountain of homework to do, and, um... my mom's not really feeling well, and she could probably use my help, and, um, to be truthful I'm not really feeling all that well myself. Willow can't believe what she's hearing and stares at Buffy. Giles: Oh, w-w-well, um, sorry, of course. If-if-if you're not well. Buffy: Oh, I'll take an early pass this evening, and, um, one later on, but for the bulk of the evening... Giles: Oh, you should stay home with your mother. Cut to the halls. The three of them come out of the library. Xander gives Buffy a stern look. Buffy: Well, say it. Xander: I'm not gonna say it. Willow: You lied to Giles. Xander: 'Cause she will. Buffy: Look, I wasn't lying. I was just... protecting him from information that he wouldn't be able to... digest properly. Xander: Like a corn dog. Willow: Like you don't have a sick mother, but you'd rather go to a frat party where there's gonna be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy. Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list? Buffy: There's no orgies! Willow: I heard a lot of wild things go on at frat parties. Buffy: Okay, you know what? Look, seven days a week I am busy saving the world. Once in a great while I wanna have some fun. And that's what I'm gonna have tonight. Fun! Cut to later in the lounge. Buffy and Cordelia are sitting at a table. Cordelia: This isn't about fun. This is about duty, your duty, to help me achieve permanent prosperity. Okay? Do's and dont's: don't wear black, silk, chiffon or spandex. These are my trademarks. And don't do that weird thing with your hair. Buffy: What weird thing with my... Cordelia: Don't interrupt. Do be interested if someone should speak to you. It may or may not happen, but do be polite. And laugh at the appropriate intervals. (demonstrates) Do lie to your mom about where we're going. It's a fraternity, and there will be drinking. Xander and Willow come over to the table. Xander is munching on a power bar. Willow has a Coke. Xander: So, Cor, you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation, or just going with a halter top tonight? Cordelia: Oh, are we feeling a little envious? You could belong to a fraternity of rich and powerful men. In the Bizarro world. Xander has no comeback again. Buffy: Do you guys wanna join us? Xander: Nah, I gotta... digest and all. He and Willow go up to the couches and sit down. Cordelia: Makeup, makeup... Well, give it your all, and keep to the shadows. We're gonna have a blast! (smiles) Buffy lets her head fall to the table. Cut to Xander and Willow on the couch. Willow: I can't believe she lied to Giles. My world is all askew. Xander: Buffy's lying, Buffy's going to frat parties... That's not askew, that's cockeyed. Willow: Askew means cockeyed. Xander: Oh. He grabs her Coke and takes a swig. She grabs his bar and breaks off a piece. Willow: Well, there's nothing we can do about it. We'll help Giles. Xander: I'm goin' to the party. Willow: What? Xander: I gotta keep an eye on Buffy. Those frat guys creep me. Willow: You wanna protect her? Xander: Mm-hm. Willow: And prove that you're just as good as those rich, snotty guys? Xander: Mm-hm. Willow: Maybe catch an orgy? Xander: If it's on early. Willow nods her head and pops the piece of power bar into her mouth. Xander takes another swig of her Coke. Cut to the street in front of the fraternity house that night. Cordelia comes screeching in to park and smacks the car in front of her. Cut inside the car. Cordelia: Ohh! Why do they park so darn close to you? Are you ready for this? (checks her hair) Buffy: I dunno. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Cordelia: Me, too. Let's go! She gets out of the car and closes the door. Cordelia: C'mon! Cut inside the fraternity house. Two girls come in through the door and walk through the room. A couple of fraternity brothers watch them walk by. Tackle: Beaucoup babes! Linebacker: Ooo, yeah! The camera slowly pans across the room to Buffy and Cordelia. Cordelia: You know what's so cool about college? The diversity. You've got all the rich people, and all the other people. (spots Richard) Richard! Richard: Welcome, ladies. (hands them drinks) Cordelia: Thank you. Buffy: Oh, i-is there alcohol in this? Richard: Just a smidge. Cordelia: C'mon, Buffy, it's just a smidge. Buffy: I'll just... (sets the drink down) Richard: I understand. When I was your age I wasn't into grownup things either. Have you seen our multi-media room? Cordelia: Oh, the one with the cherry walnut paneling and the two forty-eight-inch televisions on satellite feed? No. Wanna show me? (smiles) Richard: What about... Cordelia: Oh, her? She's happiest by herself. They go off and leave Buffy standing there by herself. Cut to a side window. Xander pokes his head in, looks around and climbs in. "Wolves", by Shawn K. Clement and Sean W. Murray, plays on the stereo. Lyrics: Her name is Alexandra / She walks into the room He loses his balance and falls through the window onto the floor. Lyrics: All the eyes, eyes, are upon her He hops back up and takes a drink from a tray that's being passed around by a half-naked pledge. Xander: Cheers! Lyrics: Well the girl / I think she's got her hungry eyes on you Xander walks into the room and has a look around. Lyrics: Yeah, on you, you He looks at a girl as she walks by. He continues through the room. Lyrics: She says she runs with the wolves He comes into the next room, but doesn't notice Buffy behind him. She's looking the other way and doesn't see him either. He looks at another girl passing by, but is distracted by a tray of hors-d'oeuvres being carried around by another pledge in drag. He reaches for the tray and follows it away. Lyrics: She thinks she runs with the wolves Buffy turns around. She's bored and lonely and fidgets with her hands. She looks down at her drink and picks it up again. Lyrics: Love is in the air She stirs it idly for a moment, then realizes she really doesn't want it and puts it back down. She looks around the room at the people dancing. A new song starts, "She", by Louie Says. Lyrics: Bend and I'll break you The dance crowd separates for a moment and a handsome Young Man on the other side of the room looks at her. He raises his drink to her. Tackle and Linebacker are standing behind him, watching. Lyrics: Leave and I'll take you back again She notices him, picks up her drink again and raises it to him. She takes a small sip as he raises his drink for a sip also. Tackle is drunk. He notices Buffy and starts to stagger toward her. Tackle: New girl! He grabs the Young Man for balance and pulls him away before he even gets his drink to his lips. Young Man: Easy, man! Tackle: Dance! Lyrics: So bend and I'll break you Buffy looks up from putting her drink back down and stares at him in wide-eyed surprise when she sees him coming for her. Tackle: (laughs and staggers over to her) C'mon, sweetheart, ha, ha, yeah! Lyrics: Leave and I'll take you back again Tom appears in the nick of time and takes her arm. Tom: Can I have this dance? Tackle: C'mon! Tom pulls her away to the dance area just as Tackle is about to crash into her. He looks up surprised at her disappearance. He sees another girl walk by and follows her instead. Lyrics: If she bends, then she breaks Buffy: Thanks. Lyrics: She loves you, but then she takes it away Tom: No. We're not all a bunch of drunken louts. Some of us are sober louts. Lyrics: She bends and she bows Tom: I'm really glad that you decided to come. Lyrics: She's cold, but she melts like snow Buffy looks down. Tom: And you're not. Buffy: No, it's... I shouldn't be here. Lyrics: Bend and I'll break you Tom: Because you're seeing someone. Buffy: No. Tom: You're not seeing someone? Lyrics: Sleep and I'll wake you tonight Buffy: Someone's not seeing me. Tom: So, why shouldn't you be here? Lyrics: Hey, don't you want to understand / Understand that Buffy: Because I have obligations. People that I'm responsible for, or to, or... (Tom laughs and so does she) with, or... It's complicated. Lyrics: If she bends, then she breaks Tom: You're big on responsibility. I like that. But there's such a thing as being too mature. Lyrics: She loves you, but then she takes it away Tom: You should relax. Enjoy yourself once in a while. Lyrics: She bends and she bows Buffy: You think I'm too mature? Tom: (chuckles) I talk too much. Have you picked up on that yet? Lyrics: She's cold, but she melts like snow Tom: Anyway, the, uh, the Hulk is gone, so you don't have to dance with me. Lyrics: She bends, she breaks Buffy: He might come back. Lyrics: She hates you, but then she makes a mistake She continues dancing with Tom. Cut to Xander talking to two girls. Another hors-d'oeuvre tray passes by, and he grabs another one. Lyrics: Confused and a lot to take / And where to fall out and when Xander: (playing with his hors-d'oeuvres) Godzilla's attacking downtown Tokyo! Argh! Argh! Richard is watching Xander. Tackle and Linebacker join him. Lyrics: Hey, yes Tackle: Who's this dork? Lyrics: She won't be good to you Richard: Never seen him before in my life. Lyrics: And I hate the way that I am Linebacker: We got us a crasher! The three of them come up to Xander. Lyrics: I hate the way I am Xander: (to the girls) So, have either of you seen a pair of girls here? One's about so high... (notices the guys) Hey, guys! Tackle: New pledge. Linebacker: New pledge! Tackle: (grabs Xander and yells) New pledge! Together: (dragging him off) New pledge! New pledge! New pledge! New pledge! New pledge! Cut outside to the patio. Buffy strolls out of the house alone. It's chilly, and she rubs her arms a bit and crosses them. She steps on a piece of glass and looks down. There are several small pieces there and she crouches to pick one up. She looks up above her and notices the door to the balcony has been boarded up. Tom is outside now, too, and notices her as she stands back up. Tom: You okay? Buffy: (drops the piece of glass and exhales) Yeah. I was... just thinking. Richard finds them there, too, and hands them both drinks. Richard: To my Argentinean junk bonds that just matured into double digits! Tom: Uh, to maturity. Buffy: What the hell. I'm tired of being mature. She gulps the drink. The two boys raise their eyebrows and drink theirs also. Cut to the library. Willow and Giles are playing word games, trying to figure out what the word on the bracelet might be. Willow types the words as they think of them. Willow: Bent. Giles: Sent. Willow: Rent. Giles: Uh, Lent. Dent. Willow: Went. Kent. Kent! That's it! Giles: Her boyfriend's name was Kent? Willow: No! Kent Preparatory School. Just outside of town. That's where I've seen these bracelets. Giles: Wh-what are you doing? Willow: Pulling up their school newsletter for the past few months. See if there's anything about... Giles: A missing girl. The most recent issue of the newsletter has a picture of Callie on the front page. The title of the article reads 'Callie Our Hearts & Prayers Are With You'. Cut to the fraternity house. Xander is being hazed. Linebacker grabs his cheeks to pucker his lips and smears lipstick on them. Everyone is laughing hysterically. "Bring Me On", by Act of Faith, is playing on the sound system. Lyrics: Say what you say when you say what you've gotta say / Do you fear what you hear are you gonna fear / Do you know what you know when you gotta know / No, No, No Tackle: C'mon, dance, pretty boy! The camera pulls back from Xander's face. They've put a skirt and a huge bra on him. He does his usual lame dancing while the party guests cheer him on. Tackle: Keep it movin'! (laughs) C'mon! Shake it, don't break it! Wrap it up and I'll take it! Xander: (nervous) Okay, big fun guys. Uhhh, who's next? Tackle puts a blonde wig on his head. Tackle: You are, doll face! Keep on dancin'! Ah, alright! Cut to Buffy at the front door. She's woozy from the drink and steadies herself against the wall. Tackle: Oh! Keep it up! Yes! C'mon! Keep it goin'! Ah, ha! Buffy makes her way over to the stairs. She knocks down a drink, but can't react fast enough to catch it. She looks up at the commotion in the next room. Buffy: Tom? Through hazy eyes and a wobbly head she sees Xander dancing with his back to her. Slowly she starts to make her way up the stairs to find a place to rest. In the other room Tackle and Linebacker continue to goad Xander on. Cut upstairs to a bedroom. Buffy pushes open the door, comes in and bumps into a sculpture. Buffy: Ooo! Ooo, sorry... She steadies herself and heads for the bed. Buffy: Okay. (crawls onto the bed) Nice bed. Just need to stop spinning for at least... She lies down and falls asleep. Richard shows up at the door. He pushes it open and peeks in. He comes in when he sees Buffy asleep on the bed. He rolls her over onto her back and smiles as he brushes his hand along her neck. He's suddenly pulled away from her and shoved against the wall. Tom: Get away from her! Richard: I wasn't doing anything! Tom: I saw what you were doing. Richard: I was just having a little fun. Tom: Well, she's not here for your fun, you pervert. She's here for the pleasure of the one we serve. Richard: (ashamed) In his name. Tom: And that goes for the other one, too. The camera pans from Tom down to Buffy on the bed and continues to Cordelia on the floor. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Giles picks up the printout of the Newsletter's front page. Giles: Callie Megan Anderson. Missing for over a week. No one's seen her, no one knows what happened to her. Willow: This being Sunnydale and all I guess we can rule out something good. Giles: I'm calling Buffy. Willow: No! Giles: Why not? Willow: (nervous) Because Buffy... a-a-and her mother... Giles: Are sick. No, you're quite right. No, there's no point in disturbing them until we know more. Willow turns her attention back to the PC. Some more information comes up. Willow: You mean, like, if there're others? Brittany Oswald, junior at St. Michael's, disappeared a year ago. So did Kelly Percell, sophomore at Grant. Giles: A year. Willow: Almost to the day. Giles: An anniversary or perhaps some other event significant to the killer. Willow: Killer? Now there's a killer? We don't know that there's a... Giles: No, but this being Sunnydale and all. Willow: Gulp. Giles: (exhales) We need to know where Buffy found that bracelet, and then we can begin our search there. (reaches for the phone) Willow: Good idea. Call Angel. (gets a confused look from Giles) Uh, he was there when Buffy found it. We're gonna need all the help we can get. Giles agrees with her logic. Cut to the fraternity house front door. The party is over. Tackle shoves Xander out of the house. Linebacker throws him his clothes. Linebacker: Party's over, jerkwater. Xander: Wait, a friend of mine was here. Tackle: Y'know, in that light, with that wig on and all... you're still butt-ugly! They laugh and close the door in Xander's face. He drops his clothes, pulls off the wig, and throws it down. He undoes the bra, takes it off and throws it down, too. Cut to the basement. Richard takes a sword and walks behind a kneeling Tom. Tom has a series of symbols carved onto his chest. Richard begins to carve another one on Tom's back. The camera pans over to the three girls shackled to the wall. Cordelia: Buffy? Where are we? Buffy: In the basement, far as I can tell. Cordelia: What's happening? What did they do to us? Buffy: They drugged us. Cordelia: Why? What are they gonna do to us? Buffy: I don't know. Cordelia: (whines) I wanna go home. Callie: No one's going home. Ever. Look, one of them's different than the others. (looks at Tom) Nicer. Buffy: (whispers) Tom. Richard is finished carving Tom's new symbol. He gets up and turns to the girls. Two brothers help him on with his robe. Callie: He's the one to watch out for. Buffy shakes her chain a bit and looks up where it's anchored. Tom looks at her. Tom: She's last. Cordelia: Last? For what? Tom walks over to the well and picks up a bag. Cordelia: Who's first?! Answer me! Who's first?! Tom lets three stones drop out of the bag and into his hand. Buffy: Three stones. (looks at Cordelia and Callie) Three of us. Cordelia: (beginning to panic) Buffy... Buffy: Stay calm. We'll get outta this. Tom pours water over the stones. Cordelia: Why'd I ever let you talk me into coming here? Buffy can't believe her ears. Tom is done with his stone-cleansing ritual and faces the girls. He stares at Buffy. Cut to the library. Angel: She found the bracelet in the cemetery. Near the south wall. Giles: South wall. Willow stares at the window in fascination. Angel casts no reflection in it. Giles: (to Willow) What are you doing? Willow: Oh! Sorry. The reflection thing that you don't have. Angel, how do you shave? (the men exchange a look) South wall. That's near the college and... the fraternity house! Giles: A fraternity? Willow nods nervously. Angel: Could they be taking these girls? (Willow nods again) Let's get out there! Giles and Angel start to go. Willow holds back. Willow: Buffy! Giles: Wwwe don't know that it's concrete. Uh, let's not disturb her until... Willow: Is there! With Cordelia. They went to a party at the Zeta Kappa house. Giles: She lied to me? Willow: (nervous) Well... Angel: Did... she have a date? Willow: Well... (Angel huffs) Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! (to Giles) And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! (to Angel) And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?! Angel and Giles are speechless. Willow: Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've gotta help Buffy. She hurries out of the library. Giles and Angel follow shortly behind. Cut to the street in front of the fraternity house. Xander walks past a few cars. He's still wearing the skirt and carries his clothes in a bundle. Xander: One day I'll have money. Prestige. Power. And on that day they'll still have more. He walks past Cordelia's car, and it looks familiar to him. He checks the license plate and it reads 'QUEEN C'. It's Cordelia's car, alright. He looks back up at the house a moment, and then makes his way back to it. Cut to the basement. The ritual is continuing. Tom is standing on the basement stairs holding the sword. Tom: Machida. (starts down) Brothers: In his name. Tom: We who serve you, we who receive all that you bestow, call upon you in this holy hour. Brothers: In this holy hour. He turns to walk toward Richard, holding the sword horizontally in both hands. Tom: We have no wealth, no possession... except that which you give us. Brothers: Except that which you give us. He places the sword on Richard's arms. Tom: We have no power, no place in the world... except that which you give us. Brothers: Except that which you give us. Richard hugs the sword to his chest, crossing his hands over his heart. Cordelia: What are they, some kind of cult or something? Buffy: Yeah, a psycho cult. Cordelia: You've gotta do something. Tom: It's been a year since our last offering. Richard lowers the sword and rests the tip on the floor. Tom: A year in which our bounty overflowed. We come before you with fresh offerings. Cordelia: Offerings? He's talking about us? Callie: Do you see anyone else chained up in here? Tom: Accept our offering, Dark Lord, and bless us with your power. Machida! Brothers: Machida! Tom tosses the stones into the well at the center of the basement one at a time. Cordelia: (frightened) What's down there? Tom: Come forth, and let your terrible countenance look upon your servants, and their humble offering. We call you, Machida. Brothers: In his name. Machida. Cordelia: There's something down there and he's gonna throw us down there with it. Buffy: I don't think so. Cordelia: No? Well, that's good! That, that's... Buffy: I don't think we go to it. I think it comes to us. Cordelia: (terrified) Ooohhhhhhh! No! Tom looks up, awaiting Machida's arrival. The camera closes in on the well, and suddenly Machida rises out of it. Cordelia: Oh, my God! (screams) It's a half-man, half-snake, green and scaly. He growls as he looks at the girls. Cordelia keeps screaming at the top of her lungs. Buffy stares at Machida in wide-eyed horror. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The basement. Buffy tries to yank her chains from the ceiling. Cordelia: C'mon, Buffy! Oh, my God! Oh, c'mon! Oh! Machida remains stationary and spreads his arms. Tom: For he shall rise from the depths, and we shall tremble before him. The camera pans down and over to Tom. Tom: He who is the source of all we inherit and all we possess. Machida. Brothers: Machida. Tom: And if he is pleased with our offerings, then our fortune shall increase. Brothers: Machida. Let our fortunes increase. Tom: And on the tenth day of the tenth month he shall be enhungered. And we shall feed him. Machida gazes over at the girls. Cordelia: Feed him? Machida rises before her. Cordelia: Feed him?! Buffy renews her efforts to break the chains from the ceiling. Cordelia: Oh, no! Cut outside. Angel, Willow and Giles walk through the bushes from the street to the lawn. Willow: Looks like everyone's gone. They look up at the house as a robed figure comes up behind them. The figure steps on some foliage, and Angel instantly spins around to confront him. Angel: Hey! Xander: Hey! (lifts the hood from his eyes) What are you guys doing here? Willow: A bunch of girls are missing, and the Zeta Kappas may be involved, and Buffy. Are you wearing makeup? Xander smears the lipstick off with his fingers. Xander: No. I think Buffy's still inside somewhere with Cordelia. Her car's still here. Giles: Why are you wearing that? (indicates the robe) Xander: Oh, I found it in their trash. I saw them through the window. They were wearing robes and went down to the basement. I was gonna use it to sneak in. Giles: They may be involved in some kind of ritual. Willow: With the missing girls. Angel: (growls, vamped out) With Buffy! Xander: Okay, that *is* the guy you wanna party with. Cut to the basement. Machida closes in on Cordelia and she screams. Buffy: Hey, reptile boy! (gets his attention) Tom: No woman speaks to him! Buffy: You don't want her. Look at her. She's all skin and bones. Half an hour later you'll be hungry. Tom: (comes over to Buffy) I told you to shut up! He backhand punches her and holds up his sword. Tom: You speak again and I'll cut your throat. Cut upstairs. Xander steps up to the door holding his head down and knocks. Tackle comes to the door to answer. Xander: Got locked out dumping the trash. Let me in. I don't wanna miss the, uh... Tackle opens the door and waves him in. Tackle: Come on. Xander: ...you know what. (throws back his hood) Where are they?! He punches Tackle in the face and knocks him down, but has really hurt his hand doing it. Angel comes in behind him and punches out Linebacker. Willow and Giles follow them in. Cut to the basement. Two brothers unchain Cordelia and hold her. Tom hears the commotion upstairs. Tom: Something's going on upstairs. (to the brothers) Go. Go! Several of them rush upstairs to see what's going on. Buffy looks up at her chains again, then back at Machida. Tom: Feed, Dark Lord! Machida rises above Cordelia, then moves in to take her from the brothers' grip. She screams loudly and struggles. Buffy yanks hard at her chains again, and they finally break loose from the ceiling. She quickly steps over to Machida and punches him in the face. He pulls back away from them, holding the side of his face. Buffy starts fighting the brothers. Tom takes a swing at her with his sword. Cut upstairs. Angel throws a brother to the floor. Willow jumps over him, runs to the basement door and goes in. Xander is on Tackle's back, punching him. Xander: That's for the wig! (punches again) That's for the bra! Giles struggles with a door. A brother tries to grab him from behind, but he elbow-punches him and knocks him out. Willow comes back out of the basement door. Willow: Some guy's attacking Buffy with a sword! Also there's a really big snake! Angel punches another brother and sends him reeling into the sill of an opening in the wall. Willow screams and backs off as the brother falls to the floor.

Upset again at Angel, Buffy lies to Giles and goes to a frat party with Cordelia , where their dates drug them and chain them in the basement. The house brothers worship a snake demon and sacrifice girls to it annually in exchange for wealth and power. Giles, Angel, and Willow compare notes and meet up with Xander just in time to help Buffy break up the cabal.

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_07x04

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_07x04_0

In the media immersion lab (Spinner is listening to Craig's new CD.) Ashley: Spin! Spinner, what are you listening to? Spinner: Oh um maybe Craig's album. Don't hit me. Ashley: Oh my god it dropped yesterday? (She grabs it out of his hands as Emma and Toby walk over to them.) Ashley: And look he's so awkward posing. Toby: You know if Craig was still here it would cut the amount of dork in the talent showcase by like 33%. Emma: Look "She is the Ash". Who could that possibly be about? He wrote all these songs in rehab? Ashley: Well not "My Window". Spinner: Hey it's not that bad, actually. Um it doesn't sound like the other songs though. Ashley: That's 'cause I wrote it. (Jimmy walks in.) Jimmy: Guys, Craig gave me a shout-out in his album thank-yous. Ashley: Glad one of us got mentioned. (Jimmy looks confused.) Ashley: He used one of my songs. Jimmy: And he didn't credit you?! Ashley: Well whatever. I could always make more. Toby: Good 'cause like it or not I'm putting you down for the talent showcase. Ashley: Know what? I'm in. Maybe it's time I came out of retirement. In a classroom Jimmy: 86 average. Nice. Ashley: 89. Jimmy: Let's see Craig plagiarise that. (Ashley doesn't say anything.) Jimmy: What grade does it take for you to crack a smile? This means NYU is guaranteed and then we hit law school. Ashley: Or we think about law school. Jimmy: I thought we already did that? Ashley: What's the rush? Maybe there's still some time to chase dreams. Jimmy: As long as it's a dream you're chasing and not revenge on a song-writing ex. Ashley: It's not about that. It's not about getting back at Craig for what he did to me. It's about what Craig did for himself. He focused on his music and he made it happen. It's inspiring. Jimmy: Inspired by another dude. Ouch. Ashley: Jimmy you're inspiring too. Your awesome art, your guitar playing, your mad freestyle rhyming skills. Jimmy: Okay now you're just sucking up. Ashley: I'm not. Jimmy, I think you're genius. Jimmy: (He starts rapping) Well if you're the beauty and I'm the smart one, there's no problem with that so I won't start one, you know? Ashley: How do you do that in a nano second? Jimmy: You inspire me baby. (She kisses his head.) At Holly J and Mia's locker Holly J: This is high school, not a daycare. Mia: Okay I don't want to share a locker either, but we have to compromise. (Holly J pulls out a pacifier.) Holly J: Okay this is not meeting half way. (Sav walks down the hall in slow motion.) Sav: Hey Holly J, great locker locale. Holly J: Sav, hi. You look hot, even in these disgusting hallways. Sav: We know each other, right? Holly J: You probably remember her waddling from class to class. Mia: I'm Mia Jones. I, I was at Lakehurst. Sav: Yeah, yeah. You had a baby. That her? Cute. (She nods.) Sav: Alright see you guys later. In the gym (Spinner misses the basket.) Jimmy: That's horse and that is why you never try and beat the master at his own game. Spinner: Well I thought you were the sensitive artist/clothing designer now. Jimmy: When will you learn? I'm everything. (Ashley starts practicing her song on stage.) Spinner: Including Degrassi's next superstar's boy toy. Jimmy: Yeah. Ash keeps talking about this uh chasing our dreams thing, but what I think she really wants is a solo project. Spinner: So what are you gonna do when she gets all famous on you? Jimmy: You're not helping. Spinner: Well come on. She sounds amazing, her music kicks and well, dude, look at her. (Anya and a couple other girls walk over to Ashley excitedly.) Anya: Hey Ashley? Is it true you were partners with Craig Manning? Ashley: We played together, yeah. Anya: Imagine you used to perform together on this very stage. Ashley: All the time, actually. Anya: Wow. I heard "She is the Ash" is about you. You're like our own little piece of him, you know? Ashley: Just what I always hoped to be known as. Anya: Uh huh. (The girls walk away whispering about her.) Anya: That's Craig Manning's old girlfriend. At Ellie, Marco and Paige's (Ellie and Ashley are looking at the back of Craig's CD.) Ellie: "Red-headed for Trouble"? Are you kidding me? Ashley: Get this, Manny's gonna die. "Thong Girl, Wrong Girl". Ellie: Oh so everyone he's kisses is a song title now. Marco: Hey Griffin. Griffin: Hey Marco: Meet Jimmy. Jimmy: What's up? Marco: Oh and Ashley. Two of our oldest friends. Griffin: Uh cool chair man. Jimmy: One of the perks of being shot. Griffin: Oh I'm sorry to hear that, dude. Uh Marco, make sure to bring your friends to the open jam, alright? Later. Ashley: Open jam? That sounds cool. Marco: Yeah he does one every week. That's like one of the three things I know about the guy. Jimmy: You trying to get a record deal? Ashley: You scared of me making a name for myself? Jimmy: No, not at all. As long as it doesn't make you forget about your high school sweetheart. Ashley: Perform with me tomorrow. Jimmy: Are you sure? That's, that's your song. Ashley: You can freestyle over the chorus. If I'm chasing dreams, you're coming with me. Jimmy: Okay. In the media immersion room Jimmy: (Rapping) Tell me anything, but the truth 'cause I don't really know if I can take it now. Tell me anything, but the truth. Can't figure out how I'm supposed to make it now. Tell me anything, but the truth- Ashley: Stop, stop, stop. Jimmy, stop. Jimmy: I'm sorry. Was that not tight enough? Ashley: No it's, it's something tonal. It's competing with the piano. Jimmy: Okay why don't you just tweak the levels? Ashley: Then it's not about the harmony. I need to figure it out. Jimmy: Ash it sounds great right now. Ashley: Well it doesn't sound the way it sounds in my head. I can fix it. Just I think I have what I need. Jimmy: Okay. I'll give you some head space. Can't wait to hear it. In the cafeteria (Manny sees Mia eyeing Sav.) Manny: Wow. That Sav guy sure is hot. Mia: No, Manny. I call him. Manny: Don't worry. I don't go after 10th graders. So you gonna talk to him? Mia: It just seems soon...after my last boyfriend. Manny: Mia the past is the past. Carpe diem. Seize the Sav. Holly J: Many have tried; none have succeeded...especially ones with baby weight. Mia: Now what would I do without Holly J Sinclair looking out for me? Manny: Hold on. Holly J Sinclair, as in Heather Sinclair? Holly J: She's my sister. Manny: Wait. Boyfriend stealing, bad nose job having, puppy drowning, queen of evil is your sister? Holly J: Taught me everything she knows. (She tosses Mia's brownie into her soup before walking away.) Manny: This might be a problem sweetie. Mia: What? Why? Listen I have to debate her tomorrow morning. Tell me everything. Manny: Let's just say if Holly J and Heather share the same DNA, you're gonna have to fight fire with huge enormous flames. Mia: Got a light? During the talent showcase (Danny and Derek perform a juggling act on stage.) Jimmy: Hey beautiful. Did you work out the tonal issues? Ashley: I um...I went with an earlier version. Jimmy: So it's a solo project. Ashley: It's not that your rap was bad. It just didn't really fit. Jimmy: You're right. Knock 'em dead. Toby: Thanks guys. That was yeah...okay that's great. Okay up next, she keyboard styled with Craig Manning. Give it up for my twisted step sister, Ashley Kerwin. (Ashley goes on stage and starts performing.) Ashley: (Singing) You say it's simple. It's who you want to be. Look in the mirror. You aren't what you see. Johnny: Lame! Play a Craig song. Random girl: More like a no-talent contest! Ashley: (Singing) You say it's simple. Aren't your wings tied? Tell the truth. Why you have to hide? Jimmy: (Rapping) Look me and the mic we coexist. My flow is a glass box, we know it exists. So you can observe while you're trapped in it. Took my lady's track and I sprinkled some rap in it. They telling me lies. Ashley: (Singing) What's wrong with being someone else? No shame in living life that way. Tell me lies. Tell me lies. Jimmy: (Rapping) They like please, please tell us your reality J. We can't fathom how it's gonna be forever defined. My mother always told me what to do with my best foot so to this day you know that it is never behind and metaphorically I'm ahead of the rest and proud of the fact that I've accomplished that. And every time I say that I can do it myself, in the same breath I'm wondering where my accomplishes are at. Tell me anything, but the truth 'cause I don't really know if I can take it now. Tell me anything... In the hallway [SCENE_BREAK] Jimmy: That was amazing. I forgot what a rush it was to be on stage. (A couple guys congratulate Jimmy.) Jimmy: And Toby burned our song. Ashley: Our song? Jimmy: Right. Your song. Ashley: You screwed up my second verse, Jimmy and my third. Jimmy: But I helped you pick up the crowd. Ashley: I didn't ask you to and I didn't need it! Jimmy all they saw was you! (Jimmy drops a book in his locker and struggles picking it up, so Ashley gets it for him.) Jimmy: Thank you. Ashley: It's what I'm here for. At Ellie's (Ellie is listening to the performance.) Ellie: This, this is great. Wish I could have seen it live. Ashley: Whatever. High school sucks. I sing, nobody cares. Jimmy rambles his rhymes unrehearsed, they go wild. Everything's easy for him. Ellie: Yeah...except walking? Ashley: Not what I meant. People thought I was Craig's sidekick, I don't want to be Jimmy's. Does that make me a bitch? (Ellie doesn't say anything.) Ashley: Forget I asked. Griffin: This is a cool melody. Who is this? Ashley: You're looking at her. Griffin: This is you? Who's that with the flow? Ashley: Jimmy. Griffin: Dude from last night, wheelchair? Are you guys coming to the open jam tomorrow night? Ellie: Oh they're busy. Ashley: No we're not. Griffin: Cool. Uh make sure Jimmy comes because there's gonna be some A&R guys there and they should really see him. Ashley: Um actually I'm not really sure that's his thing, but I wrote and produced this. I could be there. Griffin: Yeah sure. I mean if it's cool with Jimmy, I guess you could perform with him. (He leaves and Ashley sighs.) In Ms. Kwan's class Ms. Kwan: When intelligent people look at both sides, a fight becomes a debate. Remember passion is persuasive. Let's see it. Sav: Our topic is foreign adoption with Holly J on affirmative and Mia on negative. Holly J: Be it resolved that foreign adoption has many benefits. By illustrating these benefits I intend to prove that- In the gym Ashley: Um Griffin, El's roommate, wants you to perform at his open jam tonight. Jimmy: That's amazing. Okay uh...okay we got to double the harmony, I'm gonna layer this new rhyme- Ashley: Uh no, not we. He just wants you. Jimmy: Oh tell him to forget it. Ashley: Jimmy you saw the audience yesterday. I can take a hint. I'm not a performer like you. Jimmy: Look we are a team and this is an amazing opportunity. Ashley: Okay. (She shoots the ball and makes a basket.) Ashley: I'll be there. In Ms. Kwan's class Holly J: Orphan children in other countries receive far less care than orphan children here. Mia: That doesn't mean those children don't need a family just as much. Holly J: Point of personal privilege, Mr. Chairman. Just because I don't have a child- Mia: Point of inquiry, Mr. Chairman. Does the speaker realize that her spray tan is running? Ms. Kwan: Sav! Sav: Uh speaker is out of order. Holly J: My worthy opponent is bias due to her matronly obligations and cankles. Mia: Well then maybe we should debate testing for psychosis in herpes-infected teens, since the speaker is highly qualified. Sav: Order in the court. Ms. Kwan: Mia if you can't be mature about this, take a seat. Mia: But Ms. Kwan! I was- Ms. Kwan: Next group! At the club Jimmy: Yo man have you seen Ashley? My girlfriend? Griffin: No dude. Jimmy: Look if she doesn't show- Griffin: I'm not taking no for an answer. I need you up there. Jimmy: She's the music though. (He pulls out a CD.) Griffin: It's taken care of. Jimmy: What? Where'd you get that? Griffin: Don't worry about it, man. Listen you do you, okay? If this goes well, this could mean big things down the road for both of us. Jimmy: Us? Some guy: Griffin two minutes. Griffin: You're up next. At the Dot (Mia walks in with Isabella.) Mia: Hey. Do you have room for one more? Sav: Actually I've got room for one and a half. Mia: Hey Sav about the debate...I was stupid. Sav: Hey Holly J has got a knack for provocation. Trust me. I know. Mia: Oh why, were you guys ever-? Sav: Oh no. No way. The only thing she and I have in common is Lakehurst. Mia: So you're not uh, you're not seeing anyone? Sav: No, free as a bird. (Mia smiles.) At the club Griffin: Alright everybody having a good time out there? Yeah? Okay you ain't seen nothing yet. Everybody give it up for my newest find, Jimmy Brooks. Jimmy: Thanks. (Jimmy starts performing as Ashley watches him from backstage.) Jimmy: (Rapping) Look me and the mic we coexist. My flow is a glass box, we know it exists. So you can observe while you're trapped in it. Took my lady's track and I sprinkled some rap in it. And now they like please, please tell us your reality J. We can't fathom how it's gonna be forever defined. My mother always told me what to do with my best foot so to this day you know that it is never behind and metaphorically I'm ahead of the rest and proud of the fact that I've accomplished that. And every time I say that I can do it myself, in the same breath I'm wondering where my accomplishes are at. (He keeps rapping as Griffin goes over to Ashley.) Griffin: Vocal track sounds great. You must be really happy. This is really good for him. Ashley: Yeah definitely better than me being up there with him. Jimmy: (Rapping) I came into this world as honest and pure. I can't guarantee to you that I will leave the same. So tell me anything, but the truth 'cause I don't really know if I can take it now. Tell me anything, but the truth. Can't figure out how I'm supposed to make it now. Tell me anything, but the truth 'cause I don't really know if I can take it now. Tell me anything, but the truth. Can't figure out how I'm supposed to make it now. Tell me lies, lies. I said tell me lies, lies. At the club Ashley: So got a CD for me or what? Jimmy: Where were you? Ashley: Over there watching you kick ass. Jimmy: So why didn't you come up? Ashley: 'Cause you didn't need me. Griffin: Guess what? I just talked to the guy from Co-Base Records. He wants to hear more. Jimmy: Are you serious? Griffin: Yeah Jimmy he loved you. But he also said that Ash's backing track was um seductive. Ashley: Really? I wonder if it was the second verse of aggression. Griffin: And get this, okay? When I told him you were a young producer, he said he wanted to hear a demo. (Jimmy and Ashley high 5.) Griffin: You guys are the real deal and I think this could be awesome, okay? So you should be excited. Jimmy: Wherever I go, you're coming with me. At Mia's locker Mia: Good morning. Sav: Mia. Had a great time last night. Had so many coffees I couldn't sleep. Listen tell Isabella I said thanks, huh? Mia: Tell her yourself. We go to the park after school. Wanna join us? Sav: Uh sorry I got soccer. Mia: Well then maybe next time. Sav: Mia you're great, but I don't want to jump into anything until I've got my bearings around here, okay? Mia: Yeah of course. Sav: See you in class, okay? (He leaves and Holly J walks over.) Holly J: So the search for step daddy continues, huh? That's sad. Mia: You're evicted Holly J. (Mia dumps out Holly J's stuff.) Holly J: You can't evict me. Mia: Oh yeah? Looks like I just did. In the media immersion room (Ashley turns off the computer when Jimmy comes in the room.) Jimmy: So looks like Craig is gonna have some competition. Did you send the demo off yet? Ashley: Oh I'm just burning a new version. Jimmy: What new version? Ashley: It just needed a few tweaks. Jimmy: Such the perfectionist, but you are the brains of this outfit and if it doesn't work out then at least we can both go to law school. (The bell rings.) Jimmy: Okay I have two minutes so I'm gonna go find Spin and I will see you in science class. (Jimmy leaves and Ashley deletes Jimmy's rap off the demo before printing it off.)

Ashley decides to practice music again after she does not receive credit for a song she wrote on Craig's album but finds herself outshone by Jimmy. Meanwhile, Mia has problems with her locker buddy and mean girl, Holly J., when they both vie for Sav's affection.

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[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] (Establish. We start in the city, then pull out to the suburban community.) [INT. SINCLAIR RESIDENCE - KITCHEN -- NIGHT] (Amanda Sinclair stares at the kitchen window at her own reflection. After a moment, she goes back to washing the dinner dishes. Her mind is elsewhere.) INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CASE APARTMENT - BATHROOM - NIGHT] (Jill Case wipes the steam off the shower door with the palm of her hand. She opens and pushes the door open, grabs a towel and steps out of the shower stall as she wipes herself.) (She walks over to the bathroom sink and picks up the wine glass on the counter. She drinks.) [INT. SINCLAIR RESIDENCE - KITCHEN -- NIGHT] (Amanda Sinclair drinks from her baby's sippy cup before she opens it and adds it to the dishes to wash.) (Her son, Henry, runs into the kitchen and holds his arms up to her.) Henry Sinclair: Mommy, up. Up, Mommy, up. Amanda Sinclair: Not now, baby, Mommy's busy. Go find Daddy. (Henry turns and runs out of the kitchen. Gary, Amanda's husband, steps out into the hallway and scoops Henry into his arms.) Gary Sinclair: Aah ... (He enters the kitchen.) Gary Sinclair: Honey, I cannot find my navy suit. Amanda Sinclair: Oh, I'm sorry, shoot. I meant to get it this morning, but Henry was doing his ear-itchy thing, so I took him to Dr. Neilsen. I'll get it first thing tomorrow. Gary Sinclair: Oh, I have an early meeting, sweetie. Amanda Sinclair: So go get it. Gary Sinclair: Oh ... all right. (He tries to put Henry down on the floor, but Henry complains.) Henry Sinclair: Daddy, no leave. Daddy, no leave. Gary Sinclair: Aw ... Daddy no leave. (Henry giggles.) Amanda Sinclair: You give him a bath, I'll go. (She looks at her watch - its 7:45.) [INT. CASE APARTMENT - BATHROOM - NIGHT] (Jill Case adjusts her watch. Her radio is on.) Disk Jockey: (from radio) Welcome to LVRP, Rat Pack Radio. Here's an oldie but a goodie by two salty dogs of stage and screen, Bobby Darin and Johnny Mercer. (She sings along with the radio.) Lyric: (singing) Two of a kind / For your information, we're two of a kind ... [INT. AMANDA'S CAR - NIGHT] (Amanda backs out of her driveway. She sings along with the radio.) Lyric: (singing) Like peas in a pod and birds of a feather, alone or together you'll find that we are two-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo of a kind. (She puts her hair up in a ponytail with a scrunchie.) [INT. CASE APARTMENT - BATHROOM - NIGHT] (Jill puts her hair down.) Lyric: (singing) Now, who's to say if we're going the whole way? At least we got this far. [INT. CASE APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT] (The television set is on to channel 19 with BREAKING NEWS coverage. The volume is off. Lyric: (singing) Sharin' our lives, our vittles, and viands, we're two of an ilk. Say, what if we've got rare Chateaubriands or crackers and milk? Makin' it plain. Explainin' it fully. We're similarly inclined, -- (Jill is in her black slip and secures her thigh stockings. She gets up and pulls her black dress out of the plastic covering. She tosses the hanger on the bed. The advert on the hanger is for CHEN'S ONE HOUR CLEANERS.) Lyric: (singing) Because we're -- [EXT. CHEN'S ONE HOUR CLEANERS - NIGHT] Lyric: (singing) - two-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo of a kind. (Amanda pulls into the lot and parks her car. She gets out of the car and opens the back door. She gathers the laundry and notices a lipstick print on her husband's white shirt collar. She smiles.) [INT. CASE APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT] (Jill Case blots her lipstick. She does a last look-over in the mirror, then heads out of her apartment. The door slams shut behind her.) [EXT. CHEN'S ONE HOUR CLEANERS - NIGHT] (Amanda Sinclair closes the car door and activates the car alarm. She turns toward the cleaners. Two gunshots fire and hit her square in the chest.) [CU: SHOES] (A pair of black high-heeled shoes hit the ground.) [AMANDA] (Amanda falls backward and hits the concrete ground. Her eyes dilate.) [JILL] (Jill's eyes are clouded over as she hangs from a dog leash, her feet bare and shoes on the floor.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CHEN'S ONE HOUR CLEANERS - PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (Police radio chatter is in the background. A flashlight shines on Amanda Sinclair, dead on the pavement.) (Catherine and Nick walk up to the body.) Nick: (sighs) Bad day when you can't even run a simple errand. Catherine: Everybody's got dirty laundry. Sometimes it gets you killed. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CASE APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT] (Warrick and Grissom walk into the apartment and find Jill Case hanging in the middle of the room.) Warrick: What would she have done if she didn't have a second story? Grissom: Every death has at least two stories. FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CASE APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT] (The coroners cut the body down and place it on the gurney. They cover her face with a white sheet.) [EXT. CHEN'S ONE HOUR CLEANERS - PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (David covers Amanda Sinclair with a white sheet. He turns and talks with Catherine.) David Phillips: Two GSWs to the chest. Rigor hasn't set. Probably been dead less than four hours. Catherine: Thanks, David. (David leaves. Catherine looks at the blood on the concrete. Nick walks up to her.) Nick: Mr. Chen works here alone with his wife, and English is not their first language. I'm not even real sure that it's their second, but what I did gather is that the steam machines are very noisy, so neither one of them really heard anything. Mr. Chen found the body when he was closing up around 9:00. Said she's a regular customer. Catherine: Well, I got a phone and keys, but no purse. Nick: Mugging? Catherine: Take the purse, leave the Lexus? Nick: Yeah, that's not real savvy, is it? Catherine: Hmm. Car's been keyed. (She opens the front door, climbs inside and checks the registration. It's for: DR. GARY SINCLAIR 143 SHADY OAK LANE LAS VEGAS, NV 89101 Catherine: Registered to a Dr. Gary Sinclair. (Nick is looking at Amanda's cell phone record of missed calls.) Nick: Yeah, that's gonna probably be the husband. "Gary Home" has called her six times in the last hour. (Catherine looks at the clothes and car seat in the back.) Catherine: Wife and mother. Nick: I'll check the trashcans for the complex, see if I can find her purse. Maybe they dumped what they couldn't liquidate. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CASE APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT] (Warrick looks around the living room.) Warrick: Well, she obviously doesn't have any kids. Place is like a museum. This chick hung out with some big wigs. (He looks at framed photos of Jill with some famous political people.) (Grissom is in the kitchen looking at the LAS VEGAS GLOBE and NEVADA Driver's License.) Grissom: She was a big wig. Jill Case, Editor-in-Chief of the Las Vegas Globe. She was a wunderkind. One of the youngest women in history to run a newspaper. (Brass walks into the kitchen.) Brass: Well, I've been all around the house, --no sign of a forced entry. Grissom: Consistent with suicide. Warrick: So is this. (Warrick shows them the hand-written note: "I apologize to everyone.") Warrick: You can't even use a whole sheet of paper on your suicide note? Grissom: Well, I don't know. Maybe if you feel like you don't deserve to take up space on the planet, you don't deserve a whole piece of paper. (Warrick snaps photos of the note under a foiled doggie bag in the shape of a swan.) Warrick: She obviously ate at Joie de Vive. It's the only place that still serves old school swan doggie bags. Brass: Yeah, dressed in a fancy outfit, having a fancy meal. Warrick: If you're planning on killing yourself, why do you bring home a doggie bag? Grissom: (shrugs) It's human nature. We continue to perform the routine motions of our life until the moment of our death. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CHERI'S ONE HOUR CLEANERS - PARKING LOT -- DAY] (Nick goes through the trash on the side of the building.) (He goes through the smaller bins, then heads over to the large garbage bin. He looks inside and finds the purse under a garbage bag.) (He snaps a couple of photos.) (Nick dives into the bin and pulls out the bag. On the bag is a stocking.) (Quick flash of: The killer wears a stocking over his face. End flash.) (Nick takes out the wallet and looks at the driver's license inside: AMANDA SINCLAIR 143 SHADY OAK LANE LAS VEGAS, NV 89101 (He takes out a datebook and finds an envelope. Inside the envelope, he finds a hand-written note, "Please do not ever contact me again. Sincerely, Dora.") [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - EARLY EVENING] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- (OPEN ON A TOE TAG: OFFICE OF CHIEF MEDICAL EXAMINER THE CITY OF LAS VEGAS AMANDA SINCLAIR CHEN'S PARKING LOT LVPD 06115-2198- [NEXT_ON] (The two women are side-by-side on two tables in the room.) (The door opens. Catherine, Warrick and Robbins walk in.) Robbins: DNA's been sent out, but this is one case where I don't need to wait for results. Warrick: Identical twins? You got to be kidding me. Catherine: They're even wearing the same toenail polish. (He hands Warrick the evidence bags.) Robbins: And both ... wore the same watch, too. Warrick: Oh, it's just too much. Catherine: Well ... eight-year-olds dressing alike I kind of get, but grown women? That's weird. Robbins: Some people like it. I'm a twin. Warrick: Really? Robbins: Well, I was. My twin died in utero. My mother didn't tell me about it until I was an adult. When I decided to become a coroner, she blamed herself. She said it was because I'd spent so many days living next to a dead body. Warrick: Well, speaking of dead bodies, uh ... Robbins: Right. Right. Jill has petechia around the eyes, bruising around the neck, and a broken clavicle. All consistent with a hanging. And I extracted these from Amanda. (He shows them the two bullets.) Robbins: One went straight to the heart. The other penetrated the right lung. Sharp shooter or close range. Catherine: Don't tell me they died at the same moment. Robbins: Not quite. Amanda was a couple hours ahead of her sister. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY] (Grissom is reading a letter from: WILLIAMS COLLEGE OFFICE OF ADMINISTRATION 450 CASTLE AVENUE, 3RD FLOOR WILLIAMSTOWN, MA 01265 NOVEMBER 9, 2006 DEAR MR. GRISSOM, As an accomplished entomologist in the field-- invite you to join us for an interdisciplinary-- VARIOUS CU OF THE LETTER WITH FOCUS ON: * "interdisciplinary" * "Walden Pond" * "term graduate seminar" * "specialists" * "entomology," * "consider taking" * "sabbatical" (Catherine knocks on the door before walking in. Grissom looks up and puts the letter away.) Catherine: Our two cases have become one. Grissom: Could still be two cases. Catherine: What happened to Mr. No-Such-Thing-As-Coincidence? Simplest hypothesis is usually the correct one. If you hear hooves, think horses not zebras. Grissom: What would the horses be in this case? Catherine: Murder/suicide. Jill killed Amanda. Felt guilty, then killed herself. Grissom: And, uh, what do you got to support that? Catherine: Did you notice any photos of Amanda or her family in Jill's house? Grissom: No. Catherine: Right. And I looked through Amanda's phone book. Jill was not even in it. Grissom: Well, maybe she had her number memorized. Catherine: Brass spoke with Jill's attorney for next of kin. None existed. She's leaving a small fortune to various charities. It just sounds to me like estrangement. Okay, even if that's not the exact way it went down, I'll bet you a dollar that the twins' deaths are related. Grissom: Two women found dead on opposite sides of town. If they didn't look alike, would you still link them? Catherine: If they're relatives, yes: sisters, husband and wife, father and son. Grissom: Okay. Catherine: Okay, what? Grissom: I'll take the bet. [SCENE_BREAK] [BLACK SCREEN W/WHITE LETTERS] AMANDA [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY] (Dr. Gary Sinclair sits in the hallway chairs as Sofia talks with him. Henry is on the opposite side of the hallway looking through the glass windows.) Gary Sinclair: I must've called her ten times, then after about an hour I got so worried. Sofia: Did your wife have any enemies? Anyone she was fighting with? Gary Sinclair: No, she was a good wife, great mother. There's no one ... Henry Sinclair: Home, Daddy, home. Gary Sinclair: Okay, buddy. Can you-- hey, you know what? Come over here. Can you come over here and draw your butterfly for daddy? Sofia: What was her relationship like with Jill? (Sofia sits down.) Gary Sinclair: Jill who? Sofia: Her twin sister, Jill Case. Gary Sinclair: Amanda didn't have a sister. Sofia: DNA tells us otherwise. Gary Sinclair: My wife was an only child. Sh-she was adopted, but ... Sofia: Is it possible that ... your wife knew she had a twin, but she hadn't told you? Gary Sinclair: Well, I'd like to think no ... that we told each other everything. But that's not ... Sofia: True? Gary Sinclair: A marriage. Married, Detective? Sofia: No. Gary Sinclair: Something weird happens between two people who know each other for years, see each other every day. Every night I drive home from the hospital and I think of twelve things I want to tell Amanda. And then I get home and, uh ... she's cooking. And we read stories to Henry and then ... the phone rings, so I -- you know, you say, "Oh, I'll just tell her tomorrow. Tomorrow." I'd like to meet her. Jill. Sofia: I'm sorry that's ... that's not possible. We found them both ... last night. Gary Sinclair: What happened? Sofia: Right now ... we don't know. Henry Sinclair: It's okay, Daddy. Let's go home and see Mommy. Gary Sinclair: (cries) Okay. (Henry hugs Gary.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- DAY] (Mandy prints the envelope. She scans the print into the computer and runs it through the database. The computer beeps. Mandy stares at it with surprise.) LATER: (Nick walks into the lab.) Nick: Hey. I got your text. What's up? Mandy Webster: Sing it, dude. This is huge. Nick: Oh ... (sings) Oh, Mandy / Oh, you came and you ... (Mandy shakes her head. She motions for him to try again. Nick glances behind him and tries again. This time, louder.) Nick: (singing) Oh, Mandy / Well, you came and you gave / Without taking / But I sent you away ... (holds note) Oh, Mandy. Mandy Webster: Okay. I got a hit off of that envelope you found in Amanda's purse. It's a Dora Pomerantz. Nick: Oh, that would make sense. The letter was signed "Dora." Mandy Webster: Do you wanna know why she's in the system? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. FARM -- DAY] (Sofia and Nick walk up to the fence.) Sofia: Mrs. Pomerantz? (Dora Pomerantz leads her horse over to the fence.) Dora Pomerantz: Who wants to know? Sofia: Detective Curtis and CSI Nick Stokes. Nick: Hi. Sofia: We just need to ask you a few questions. Dora Pomerantz: About what? Nick: Your twins. (Dora opens the gate and leads her horse through it. Sofia and Nick follow her.) Dora Pomerantz: That was a very long time ago. Sofia: We were just curious about the circumstances under which they were adopted. (She tethers her horse.) Dora Pomerantz: I was eighteen years old when I got pregnant. Charlie said he'd stay with me. Then he got drafted to Vietnam. Came home six months later ... in a box. These two chirping birds. "Waa, waa, waa." I couldn't get them to stop. I couldn't take it. So one day I just ... Boop ... snapped. That was it. No more babies. I spent ten years in a state facility, you know? Sofia: We were aware. How have you been since? Dora Pomerantz: Oh ... fine. A smart doctor put me in touch with an equine assisted therapy program. Saved my life. Horses don't have judgments. They have needs. Meet the needs, the horse is happy. Helped retrain my brain. Nick: Healthy enough to get back in touch with your daughters? Dora Pomerantz: Oh, no. Uh ... not recommended. Sometimes you just can't go back. Nick: Is that why you wrote Amanda this letter saying, "Please do not ever contact me again?" Dora Pomerantz: Who's Amanda? Sofia: One of your daughters. Dora Pomerantz: We keep envelopes loose in a desk drawer. I must've touched it before she sent it. Sofia: Who? Dora Pomerantz: The handwriting, it's Tiffany's. Sofia: I'm sorry. Who's Tiffany? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FARM (LATER) -- DAY] (Tiffany Hughes talks with Sofia and Nick. She gets off her horse.) Tiffany Hughes: I had no idea my mom had given up a kid. But I did know that there was no way she could handle dealing with it. Nick: So ... you always go through your mom's mail? Tiffany Hughes: Yeah. My dad and I have a system. We screen all her mail. Nick: Why's that? Tiffany Hughes: She's got this problem. Any time a children's charity solicitation comes, she donates and not just a little. Half my college fund was gone before we realized what was going on. Sofia: So you thought Amanda had her hand out? Tiffany Hughes: Wasn't worth the risk. The anti-depressants and the horses help, but my mom's barely hanging on. And I only have a year left before I go to college. I just need her to hang on one more year. So, I sent the polite response and hoped it was over. Nick: Did Jill ever try to contact your mom? Tiffany Hughes: Who's Jill? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (Wendy Simms reports her findings to Catherine.) Wendy Simms: So I got bad news and weird news. Which would you like to hear first? Catherine: Bad. Wendy Simms: Bad news: I got nothing from the blue stocking that was found in the trash. Weird news: I tested the red lipstick on Gary Sinclair's collar and I got DNA, but it wasn't his wife's. Catherine: Well, based on the contents of her purse, she's more the lip balm type. Wendy Simms: You know I like to be thorough, so ... I ran it through CODIS and I actually got a hit: Natal Peled. She's in the system from a rape charge in L.A. Catherine: They don't put victim's DNA in the database. Wendy Simms: No, they don't. Yeah, I had to know, so I called a friend of mine at L.A. Sheriff's Department, and apparently, Natal was a nurse at a Hollywood hospital. And she went to the annual Christmas party, she fed this doctor a bunch of cocktails, slipped him a Prevalis, and then took him up to a hotel room. And rumor has it, it was in order to have unprotected, you know ... baby-making s*x. So he pressed charges, she was arrested, and then they settled out of court. And now Natal's a nurse at our very own Dessert Palm. Catherine: With Amanda's husband, Dr. Gary Sinclair. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DESERT PALM - DAY] (Catherine talks with Gary Sinclair.) Gary Sinclair: Doctors have a name for what Natal is. Catherine: What she is? Gary Sinclair: A woman who trolls hospitals looking to land themselves a doctor. Call them bedpans: shiny, full of crap, and ... best when dumped. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DESERT PALMS HOSPITAL - DAY] (Nick talks with Natal Peled. She's smoking a cigarette.) Natal Peled: Of course we slept together. Who wouldn't want to get with this? Of course he's gonna deny it because of that little wife of his. Nick: So you met his wife, Amanda? Natal Peled: Please. Yes, I've met her. Always coming by the hospital, check up on him. Talk about paranoid. Nick: Hey, with you around ... sounds like she had pretty good reason. Natal Peled: Mr. Stokes ... men are like tigers -- if you can't tame them, you must let them roam free. I go now, yeah? (She holds up her hand to wave him goodbye. She has her keys in her hand and Nick sees the car paint shavings embedded in the key grooves.) INSERT: CGI (A laser cuts into the key and takes a sample of the car paint shavings.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB - DAY] (Hodges reports his findings to Nick.) Hodges: Yes. It seems that the paint on the Sabra's key is consistent with Lexus factory issue. Color's Galactic Grey Mica IE9. Same as Amanda's. Nick: So ... crazy chick keys the wife's car. Is it gateway violence that led to murder or just another coincidence like everything else in this case? Hodges: I almost keyed a car once. Nick: You what? Hodges: I know, but, in the end, I couldn't go through with it. So I peed on the door handles instead. Nick: So they'd freeze up and can't get them open? Hodges: No. It was San Diego. Nick: Over a girl? Hodges: Over a "B." Professor gave me one on my term paper. I felt I deserved an "A". (And with that, Nick leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Nick and Catherine talk.) Nick: So she definitely keyed the car, and may or may not have been doing the husband. Catherine: I'm going with yes. Ballistics came back on the bullets that killed Amanda. There's only one gun with a six right polygonal barrel that comes in a .41 caliber: a Baby Eagle-- Israeli military issue. Nick: Israeli guns are really hard to find. Catherine: Unless you served in the Israeli army like Natal. Nick: Okay. Okay, I certainly wouldn't put it past her, but what about the husband? Catherine: Classic "he said, she said." They're either acting in cahoots, trying to confuse us, or Natal is acting on her own, thinking that the wife is the obstacle standing between them. Nick: Nothing quite says "I love you" like, I killed your wife so we can be together." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SINCLAIR RESIDENCE -- DAY] (Gary Sinclair opens the front door and finds Sofia there. She hands the warrant to him.) Sofia: Sir, we have a warrant to search the premises, and we need you to come down to the station. If you can't make arrangements for your child, we have a Child Services Advocate who can take him. Gary Sinclair: This is ridiculous. I've been nothing but cooperative. You harass me at my place of work. You harass me at my home. Now you want to take my kid away? Sofia: Sir, are you resisting? Gary Sinclair: I didn't kill my wife. I was giving my son a bath. I couldn't have done it. Can I at least put my shoes on? (Sofia nods for the officers to go with him. Gary and the officers head into the house.) [EXT. SINCLAIR RESIDENCE - FRONT - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Nick looks around the area and finds a small batch of cigarette butts out on the opposite side of the road. He looks at them and snaps a photo of them.) (Quick flash to: Natal Peled sits in the car smoking her cigarette as she watches the house across the street. She watches as Amanda gets into her car and drives away. Natal tosses her cigarette out the open car window, starts her own car engine and follows her. End of flash.) (Nick picks up a cigarette butt and looks at it. Sofia joins him.) Sofia: What have you got? Nick: A smoking gun. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - EARLY EVENING] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- NIGHT] (Wendy reports her findings to Nick.) Wendy Simms: You're not going to like the answer. The DNA on the cigarette butts doesn't match Natal. Nick: Come on. You can't tell me we're back to square one on this deal. Wendy Simms: Well, we're not. DNA was female, so I ran it against Amanda, thinking, I don't know, maybe she takes super-secret cigarette breaks. And it wasn't a match, but they do have seven loci in common. So, is there another sister maybe? (Nick looks at the printout and thinks about it.) Nick: Tiffany. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT] (Sofia talks with Tiffany Hughes.) Tiffany Hughes: I'm confused. This is 'cause I was smoking? Sofia: Well, no, smoking is bad for you, but, no, this is really more about where you were smoking. Tiffany Hughes: I'm an only child who lives on a horse farm in the middle of nowhere with a horse- whispering mother and a dad who works all the time to avoid her. When Amanda's letter came ... I was so excited at the idea of having a sister. I was jumping out of my skin. So I told my mom I joined cheerleading. And after school, I would ... Sofia: You'd what? Tiffany Hughes: It started where I would just drive by. Sofia: And then it escalated? Tiffany Hughes: Well ... once, I saw her in the yard, playing with her little boy. So I started parking out front, hoping to see her again. (Quick flash to: Tiffany sits in the car watching Amanda push Henry in his plastic tricycle.) Tiffany Hughes: (V.O.) Basically, I would just sit there, imagining her in my life. She'd make me tea. And we'd go over my college applications and talk about boys. (End of flashback.) Tiffany Hughes: It was like a TV commercial. Sofia: And then what? Did your ... curiosity ... become an obsession? Tiffany: Oh, my God. No. I could barely get up the courage to introduce myself. That's why I'd just sit there smoking. And then my stomach would hurt, so I would just drive home. And now, I'll never get the chance. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CASE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT] (Two high-heeled black shoes hit the floor. Jill Case's body sways mid-air.) [BLACK SCREEN W/WHITE TEXT] JILL [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - EARLY MORNING] [INT. CASE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- MORNING] (Warrick walks around the room with his camera. He approaches the computer table and finds something missing. He snaps a photo of the cables.) (He opens the desk drawer and notes the labeled container for PUSH PINS, BINDER CLIPS and NOTE PADS.) [EXT. CASE RESIDENCE - GARAGE - MORNING] (Warrick opens the garage door and looks at the car inside. He opens the back door and looks at how neat it is. He slams the door closed and opens the car's back door. He looks inside, then slams it shut.) (He opens the passenger door and looks around at how neat the car is.) [INT. CASE RESIDENCE - BEDROOM -- MORNING] (Warrick looks around the bedroom and snaps a photo. He opens the bedside table drawer and snaps a photo of its contents.) (Greg walks in.) Greg: Hey, Grissom said you might need some help. (Warrick turns and looks at Greg.) Greg: What? Warrick: I don't know, you don't look like you've been put through the ringer. Greg: Well, I guess the inquest was the easy part. Now the kid's family wants to sue me. Know any good lawyers? Warrick: I hate lawyers. Want to take the bathroom? Greg: Sure. (Greg heads for the bathroom. Warrick opens the second drawer and finds it full of handcuffs and toys. He picks up a pair of handcuffs.) Warrick: I found her naughty drawer. (Greg is in the bathroom.) Greg: My favorite part of any bedroom search. Warrick: I don't believe these girls anymore. (Warrick heads over to the second bedside table. He opens the drawer and finds men's stuff - deodorant stick, shaving gel, a shaver, comb and condoms.) (Warrick picks up a shaver.) Warrick: Looks like someone's been elevated to drawer status. (Greg steps out into the bedroom, holding bottles of pills.) Greg: Well, apparently, love can't cure all that ails. Alprazolam, clonazepam, diazepam and sertraline -- all in her medicine cabinet. Warrick: Well, I said dude had a drawer, I didn't say it was love. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY] (Grissom talks with Dr. Gus Hoffman.) Gus Hoffman: Jill had OCD-related depression, which is very deceiving because the sufferers are high functioning. It's not your usual, you know, "lie on the couch and listen to the Beatles" kind of depression. Grissom: Did she ever talk about family? Gus Hoffman: You know, when a patient dies, the doctor-patient confidentiality clause is void. But I'm just sort of feeling a little uncomfortable. Do I have to ... call a lawyer? Grissom: It's entirely your choice. We can subpoena her records, or you and I can talk. Gus Hoffman: Okay. All she would say was that she didn't get along with her parents, and that, um, you know, relationships in general were difficult. I mean, her condition made her excel professionally but flop personally. Grissom: We, uh, checked her records. She was adopted as an infant. (Grissom looks at the file folder in front of him. STATE OF NEVADA CHILD ADOPTION RECORDS DIVISION DATE: 11-15-06 TIME: 14:17 DL/NO: EXPIRED*B/D: 11-04-55: MONA/TAYLOR* ADDR AS OF 10-23-01: 102 MESQUITE AVE LAS VEGAS NV 89101 OTH/ADDR AKA CHILD >>>>> CASE, JILL BIRTH MOTHER >>>>> SUPPRESSED ADOPTION DATE >>>>03/14/72 OPERATOR: 3398 /////8714DAKOTA CLASS C ) Gus Hoffman: Her parents never told her. Huh. Well, that explains her abandonment-attachment issues, and why she always felt like a square peg in a round family. Grissom: Did you believe she was suicidal? Gus Hoffman: Off the record, no, I don't. I don't think she was suicidal, I thought, I actually thought she was getting better. Grissom: So then how does an attractive, successful 36-year-old woman hang herself from her own balcony? Gus Hoffman: 'Cause the choice was there. (Quick flash to: Jill Case puts the tie around her neck and climbs over her second floor balcony.) Gus Hoffman: (V.O.) At the end of the day, when an obsessive brain is presented with a choice, it just, sometimes, it just can't shut off the clatter of the idea until it sees it through to conclusion. (End of flash.) Gus Hoffman: The idea found its way in. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Robbins pulls out the morgue cabinet with Jill Case's body on it. He explains his findings to Grissom.) Robbins: It wasn't suicide. These bruises developed postmortem. Two on the front, eight on the back. Grissom: Strangulation. (Quick flash to: Someone strangles Jill Case. End of flash.) Robbins: Murder. [SCENE_BREAK] INSERT: CGI (We start at the camera, then follow the UBS cord IN THROUGH the disk as it writes and OUT TO the monitor where its --- DOWNLOADING photos on a monitor.) [INT. LAS VEGAS GLOBE - NEWSROOM - DAY] (Brass and Warrick cross the newsroom.) Allison Shram: (to phone) No, she missed the morning news meeting. All the section editors are biting my head off. Look, I don't have a straight answer for you. No, I've called, I've e-mailed, I've texted. She'd have to be lying dead in a ditch not to answer her phone. I know. Bye. (She looks up. Brass shows her his badge.) Allison Shram: Can I help you? Brass: I'm Detective Jim Brass, Las Vegas Police. This is Warrick Brown from the Crime Lab. We have a warrant to search Jill Case's office. Allison Shram: Okay, is she in some kind of trouble? Brass: Well, it wasn't a ditch. Allison Shram: Oh, my God. I ... (Several reporters step closer.) God. (They linger around.) Jake Lenoir (reporter): What's going on? Allison Shram: Back off. Get away. All of you, go! Go! (She takes her earpiece off and whispers to Brass.) Allison Shram: Look, you can't drop a hot one in a room full of vultures. They smell blood. Half of them were wanting to pry her ass out of that chair for months. Brass: I'll need a list of all the employees who work for the paper -- can you provide that? Allison Shram: I don't have access to that kind of information. You're gonna have to go down to Human Resources. Brass: Human Resources. Okay. (to Warrick) You're on your own. (Brass leaves.) Warrick: I'll be taking a look inside her office, okay? (He heads for her office. Allison follows him.) Warrick: Did Jill have a computer? Allison Shram: Yeah, her laptop, of course. It was like an extra limb. (Warrick opens the drawers and finds them just as organized as the ones at home. The final drawer won't open.) Warrick: What's with the locked drawer? (He notes the damage to the desk. He tugs and the drawer opens.) Allison Shram: That was a new thing. She's always been neurotic, but lately she's been secretive, like sneaky - rolling her own calls, making her own appointments, talking with editors from other newspapers. Honestly, I just thought she was looking for another job. (He looks through the drawer, then pulls it completely out. He finds a flash drive taped to the side.) Warrick: Did you ever try to open this drawer? Allison Shram: Are you kidding? She had the only key, and protecting her privacy was how I kept my job. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] Archie: (V.O.) Because Amanda's murder -- [INT. CSI - A/V LAB - DAY] (Archie goes over his findings with Grissom and Catherine. He has the address books on two monitors.) Archie: -- is still unsolved, I cross-checked the twins' address books. Now, they have no contacts in common, but ... there are a couple freaky things. (On the monitor is Amanda's hand-written address book with dry cleaning crossed out and "Henry ear doctor" written in.) Catherine: So Amanda was set to pick up dry cleaning in the morning, but it looks as though she had a sick child, so she went at night instead. Archie: Right. And if she'd gone earlier than she was supposed to, she might've run into Jill, who was scheduled to pick up her dry cleaning at 8:30 in the morning. (On the monitor, Archie has Jill's printed address book with the following: PILATES PICK UP DRESS AT CHENS MEETING WITH LAYOUT DESIGNER LUNCH MEETING ) Archie: But it gets better. Based on receipts from Amanda's planner and Quicken listings from Jill's Treo, they used the same dry cleaner, same car dealership, they both had a weakness for the same frozen yogurt and blended mochas, and in two weeks, Jill was scheduled to teach a university extension class in photography. Guess who was signed up to take the class? Catherine: Amanda. Grissom: Huh. They would've finally met. Catherine: So having the same toe nail polish and watch made sense when we thought they knew each other, but now? I mean, they even have almost the same handwriting. Grissom: Well, people's first explanation with twins is always parapsychology, but the truth is, there's a lot of biological encoding at work. I mean, if you have the same musculature and bone structure in your hand, the chance of writing the same is not out of the question. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and you both see with the same eyes or taste with the same tongue ... Archie: Well, I don't know whose eyes she was using for this guy. (In her address book, she has: 7:00 pm DINNER AT JOIE DE VIVE Archie: Jill was scheduled to have dinner at Joie de Vive on the night she died. (Archie shows footage of Jill holding flowers and being kissed on the cheek by a man.) Archie: So Warrick called over and got the surveillance footage. I don't have an ID yet. (He pauses the footage and Grissom recognizes the man.) Grissom: I do. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Brass talks with Gus Hoffman.) Gus Hoffman: Her relationship with me was the most intimate she's ever had. I actually felt like we were making progress. Brass: Until the murder. Gus Hoffman: What are you talking about? She committed suicide. Brass: Did I tell you that? Gus Hoffman: What are -- What are you suggesting, that I murdered my own patient? Brass: Let me run down the sequence of events. So you took your "girlfriend" out to dinner. (Quick flash to: Jill is tied to the bed.) Brass: (V.O.) Then you brought her home for a little tie-me-up, tie-me-down. But things get wonky and in the throes of passion, you remembered, "Wait a minute she's a patient. Uh-oh." (Cut to: Jill is dead on the bed. Gus picks up the dog leash.) Brass: (V.O.) So she had a history of depression. So you used that knowledge to cover it up. (End of flashback.) Gus Hoffman: Well, we did go to dinner that night, but afterwards I dropped her off. Because she said she had to work to do. I didn't even go inside, so I don't even understand your question. Brass: Are you saying the two of you never had rough s*x? Now, be careful here, doctor. Gus Hoffman: Yeah, It's true that, in the past, we engaged in some, you know, some, uh, role playing s*x games to help get her comfortable, but ... Brass: But what? Gus Hoffman: She was the "S." I was the "M." [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Wendy Simms catches up with Greg in the hallway.) Wendy Simms: Hey, um ... you know, how we thought that the shrink was a slam dunk for Jill's strangulation-hanging-combo? Greg: Yeah. Wendy Simms: Well, I ran his DNA against the epithelials we found on the leash. And the epithelials are male, but they're not his. (She gives Greg the results.) Greg: Thanks. (Greg turns and enters the -- [INT. CSI - A/V LAB - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] Greg: News on our case ... (Warrick and Archie don't look surprised.) Warrick: The shrink might not have done it? Greg: How did you know? Warrick: Because Archie found us another strong suspect. You know that flash drive that I found in the locked drawer in Jill Case's office, ? I thought it was just a bunch of photos, but it turns out there was a little bit more than meets the eye. Greg: You mean the flash drive was a transformer? Warrick: No. Archie: Well, the pictures kind of were. Check it out. Look familiar? (Archie puts a war photo on the monitor.) Warrick: This got bought by the AP. It was on the front page of the Las Vegas Globe. It won a Pulitzer. It was everywhere. Greg: Okay. So what? (Archie puts a series of photos up on screen.) Archie: These are Jake Lenoir's photographs taken in Iraq last summer. Watch this. (He puts components of the photos together to make the winning photo.) Greg: The front-page news was actually a composite? Archie: Well, it's a ... essentially an art project. Warrick: And Jill printed it. I assume she didn't realize it until it was too late. And before she died, she was trying to figure out how to handle it. Greg: The only thing standing between Jake and the rest of his career was the truth. Warrick: And Jill Case. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE] (Brass holds a printout of the photo and talks with Jake Lenoir.) Brass: Got a job that takes you around the world, get to meet some great girls, even win some awards. So why would an adrenaline junkie like you waste his time with Photoshopping? Jake Lenoir: Let me tell you something that the, um ... newspapers, TV stations don't want to hear. There's nothing over there to photograph. Insurgents? They fire off their outdated weapons, then run the other way. When we do midnight raids in the villages, you know what the people tell us? "Ali Baba not here." We are fighting a fictional character. And you got thousands of soldiers over there, kids, 18 years old, pumped up on testosterone, full of nicotine, and caffeine, waiting for something to bloody well happen. And you know what? You pray for a roadside bomb because it feels like action. But you can't photograph the taste of gasoline. It just looks like smoke. So one day, yeah, I'm screwing around on my computer. Couple of soldiers come by, took a look at what I'm doing. You know what they say? They say, "Yeah, yeah, that's our war. That's what it's like waiting and bodyhauling." So I had it. I had the image that said it all. So yes, I used a lie to tell the truth. Brass: Well, thanks for the insight. But I'm looking for another kind of confession. I'm here to bust you for the murder of Jill Case. Jake Lenoir: What? Brass: Come on, she was hip to your, uh, you know cut-and-paste scheme and she was going to blow the whistle on you. Jake Lenoir: Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, I heard she committed suicide and look -- Brass: Oh, is that what you heard? Jake Lenoir: Yeah. Me and her, we-we had a history, okay. We dated. But if she felt like outing me for this all I had to do was accuse her of sexual harassment and we both go down. Brass: Maybe ethical journalism was worth the price for her. Jake Lenoir: Doubtful. Without her job, she had nothing. Brass: Well, for a while, she had you. Jake Lenoir: Yeah, but not for long. Bird was rigid in everything she did. Having s*x with her was like ... eating glass. Brass: The lab did a DNA test. Your skin cells are all over the dog leash that was used to hang her. Jake Lenoir: Well, I was probably the last person to actually walk that dog. God knows she never did. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LENOIR APARTMENT - DAY] (Greg and Warrick enter the apartment and look around.) Greg: Guess this is more like his crash pad between foreign assignments. Warrick: I'm sorry, I just don't see Miss Neat Knickers and this guy making it as a couple, you know. (They look around. Warrick looks in the satchel.) Warrick: Still no laptop. (Greg finds an empty software box in the trash.) Greg: Steal it, scrub it and lose it. Warrick: This guy's smart. This is all just circumstantial. (Warrick finds a note pad with some writing on it. "On behalf of the Las Vegas Globe, I apologize for the mistakes I made." "I apologize to the readers of this paper." "My deepest apologies" ) Warrick: Now we know how he got her to write the suicide note. She wasn't sorry to be living. She was sorry that Jake was such a liar. Greg: Well, this is more like what we need. (Greg puts the pad down and looks around the area. He finds a vent with a blue stocking on it.) Greg: Hey, Warrick. Didn't Nick's case have a blue thigh high stocking? Warrick: Yeah. (Greg checks the dryer and takes out a shirt.) Warrick: Even if he was the one that strangled Jill, there was no blood at the crime scene. Greg: Well, with two gunshots to the chest, Jill's twin sister was a bloody mess. (Greg tests the shirt for blood. It tests positive.) Greg: Checkmate? Warrick: So he killed them both. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Brass talks with Jake Lenoir.) Brass: You must have thought you were losing your mind? Let me run it for you. (Quick flash of: Amanda pulls into Chen's parking lot. Jake is waiting for her, thinking it's Jill.) Brass: (V.O.) Jill always picked up her dry cleaning on Thursday nights. So right place, right time, right car, looks like the right woman. (He puts the stocking on, walks up to her and shoots her twice in the chest.) Brass: (V.O.) You thought it was done. So you go to the house, get the computer files and you think you're seeing your conscious walk through the door. (Jake is inside Jill's apartment when Jill comes home. She goes to her computer, turns around and sees Jake in the house. He is surprised to see her and reaches out to touch her arm.) Jill Case: Don't touch me! (She fights him and he chokes her. She falls to the floor, dead.) (He carries her up the stairs to the second floor.) Brass: (V.O.) The first time you had a plan. Try to make it look like a mugging. The second time, you had to improvise. (Jake secures the leash around Jill's neck and tosses her off the second floor balcony.) (End of flashback.) Jake Lenoir: So there were two of them. I dated Jill. She kept the most rigid schedule of anyone I've ever met, you know. It was always Thursday night pick up the dry cleaning night. And I mean, God forbid I wanted to see a movie or catch a show or something. Leave it to Jill to be so thorough. Makes me have to kill her twice. (Brass stands up and leaves the room.) [OBSERVATION ROOM] (Catherine and Grissom are watching Jake in the interview room. Catherine rips the bill in half and offers it to Grissom.) Catherine: We were both right. Grissom: That's a federal offense, you know. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- NIGHT] (Grissom is reading "Walden" when Sara walks in.) Sara: I heard the guys solved a double murder. Grissom: Mm-hmm. Sara: I spent the day sitting on a bench outside the courtroom; they never got to me. Grissom: That sucks. Sara: Feeling transcendental? Grissom: Hmm? Sara: Thoreau. I, uh, I haven't read him since college. Grissom: Me, neither. It holds up. "I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion." (Sara turns and picks up the clipboard with the crossword puzzle on it.) Sara: Oh, look, you missed one. Sixty-three down. "Misanthrope." (Grissom looks at her. She puts the clipboard down.) Sara: I won't wait up. (She turns and leaves the room. Grissom closes the book.)

The CSIs investigate the death of two identical twins within a two-hour time frame, on opposite sides of town. When the team discovers that the twins knew nothing of each other, they begin to wonder if the two cases are connected, or just a very bizarre coincidence.

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_02x19

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_02x19_0

(Meredith's townhouse) (George is sitting on the floor of his bedroom against the door) George Voice Over: Ok so sometimes even the best of us make rash decisions. (George is standing in front of Meredith from last episode in her bedroom. It flashes back to George looking uneasy as he glances back at his door) GVO: Bad decisions. Decisions we pretty much know we're gonna regret the moment, the minute, especially the morning after. (Meredith is removing George's shirt. Meredith's bedroom where Meredith is lying in bed fully dressed also looking uneasy) GVO: I mean maybe not regret, regret because at least you know we put ourselves out there. But still ... something inside us decides to do a crazy thing. (Meredith's alarm goes off and she hits it off) GVO: A thing we know that'll probably turn around and bite us in the ass. (Derek's trailer) (Doc barks and runs up to the bed where Addison and Derek are lying. Derek seems fast asleep and Addison is wide-awake holding the pillow to herself) GVO: Yet, we do it anyway. (Doc barks loudly again and Derek wakes up groggy) Derek: Oh god. I'm coming, Doc. Just hang on. Just hold it until I get there please. Addison: I'll walk him. (Addison gets up) Derek: No it's my turn. Addison: No it's ok. I'll walk Doc. You just s...sleep. Good. (She puts on a dressing robe) Fresh outdoors. Spring morning. You just sleep. Derek: Ok. Addison: Unless you wanna talk. Derek (eyes closed and hugging his pillow): Oh god here it comes. Addison: Well I'm not saying that we have to talk. I'm just saying if you want to talk we could you know. I could start you know and, and you could talk about anything...at all you wanna talk about. Derek(groggy): Ah it's just too early for me to interpret girl flip-out into normal conversation. Addison: It's just that you usually ... you start yelling you know when you get mad. And Mark showed up yesterday and you haven't yelled yet. I'm trying to give you a chance. So just go. Yell. Derek: I don't wanna yell. Addison: You don't wanna yell? You? Derek: I just want to sleep. (Doc barks) Doc, he wants to pee. Preferably not inside this trailer. Addison: Ok. (Derek sighs. Addison puts on a dorky looking cap and stops at the doorway) Addison: You could yell if you want to. I can take it! I'm ready! Derek: Addison. (He pulls a pillow over his head) Addison: Alright. I'm going. (Doc barks) I'm going. Come on. (Meredith's house) (Meredith is grabs her keys and listens at the doorway to see if George is out there) GVO: What I'm saying is ... we reap what we sow. (George is opening his bedroom door very carefully) GVO: What comes around goes around. (He creeps out and we see that Meredith is also walking down the hallway also creeping quietly. She stops uncomfortable when see sees George and he stops too when sees her. All of sudden Izzie's bedroom door opens with a naked Alex pulling on his underwear and heading to the bathroom. Izzie steps out in her PJs) Izzie (to Meredith): Morning. (She turns and sees George) Morning. (The other two are just silent) What? So I slept with him again. So I'm a big whore. Big horny whore who can't get enough. Can we get over the shocked silence already? (She looks confused as she realizes George looks a little uncomfortable) GVO: It's karma and any way you slice it ... (Meredith hurries back to her bedroom and Izzie turns to George) Izzie: What's going on? (George shrugs) GVO: ... karma sucks. (SGH) (Locker room) (Meredith is getting ready in front of the mirror tying up her hair. George walks up to brush his teeth but goes back when he realizes Meredith is there. Cristina is standing with Izzie and Alex who are sitting on a bench at the lockers a few feet away watching the whole situation unravel) Alex: 50 bucks says O'Malley caught her doing Mark Sloan. (Izzie hits him. Meredith heads to her locker) Izzie: There's something going on. I mean look at them. Alex: Alright he walked in on her doing McDreamy. (Cristina looks bemused and Izzie gives him a look) Alex: Did I just call that dude McDreamy? Cristina: Oh you know you did. Alex: Awesome. (to Izzie) You are ruining my life. Izzie: Ha. (He moves up to her really close and moves to kiss her but Izzie gets up) Cristina: Get a room. (Izzie walks up to them and Cristina follows her) Izzie: Guys. George: Excuse me. Izzie: Oh sorry. (she ducks out of George's way) What's ah...what's a going on? (George and Meredith both give Izzie weird looks) Meredith: Nothing. Cristina: Oh you know we're going to find out anyway. Izzie: You tell us and maybe we can help. George: There's nothing to tell. Cristina: Oh that means there's something to tell. George: Come on. Meredith: There's nothing to tell. (Patient room where a middle-aged man named Keith Paulus lies in bed. His fianc e Amy is sitting on chair next to the bed as Nurse Olivia takes Keith's temperature) Amy: Well how bought Gardenias? Like masses and mountains of Gardenias? Keith: Are we worried about bees? Amy: Okay that's why I love him. (Olivia smiles) Amy: No Gardenias. (Izzie, Alex, George, Meredith and Cristina are in the room. Burke walks in) Burke: Who would like to present? Cristina: Ah Keith Paulus admitted last night with chest pains. (Keith nods smiling at Dr. Burke) Status post acute MI. Ah no family or personal history of heart disease. No cardiac risk factors. Amy: He's healthy as a horse. Keith: A horse who's in bed after just having a heart attack. (Meredith moves around uncomfortable as does George. Izzie notices) Amy: See now any minute I think you're going to tell us this was a false alarm and it just seemed that he had a heart attack. (Burke checks Keith with his stethoscope) Keith: She talks when she gets nervous. (Keith winks at Amy) Burke: Hmm I understand. Mr. Paulus unfortunately the scans show what looks like a mass around your heart. A very, very large mass. (Amy gets up and moves to stand next to Keith nervous) Keith: Mass ... okay. Is that code for tumor? Amy: Okay that's absurd. He doesn't have a tumor. He's incredibly healthy. Burke: We won't know until there's further exploration which is why I'd like to do an angiogram today. Keith: Okay, good. (Amy looks a little shocked) (Meredith is walking down the hallway. Izzie and Alex follow laughing and grinning at each other. Cristina follows those two with George lagging behind. George purposely drops his pen in front of Cristina to stop her walking. He picks it up) George: Did Meredith say any...anything to anyone about anything? Cristina: No. Are you gonna dish? George: No. (Cristina looks at him) No. (She starts to walk again) Cristina: Leave me alone I'm working. George (walks up to her): Well good because I don't want to talk about it. Ever. Cristina (looks like she doesn't care): Fine. Then don't. George: I'm just saying. Cristina: Uh. (The doors at the opposite end of the hallway open and Addison walks through as if she's got a major wedgie. They all stop and stare at her as she walks by) Cristina (to the others): Are you? That's weird. (Patient's room with Derek. There's a cute young black boy named Shawn Begleiter lying in the bed holding a bucket. His parents Rick and Michael are standing with him at his bedside. In relation to Rick just imagine Jack from 'Will and Grace') Rick: Do you need to throw up again? Shawn: No. Rick: Cause there's no shame in needing to throw up. Shawn: Dad I don't need to throw up. Alex: Shawn Begleiter. 11 years old. In for intractable vomiting after a minor head injury. Rick: Oh I wouldn't exactly say minor. Michael: He was hit in the head with a baseball. Rick: Yeah playing first and this little dolt hairy dopple hammer hits the line-diver out of nowhere and Shawn wasn't looking and (he makes a gesture and sighs. Derek is checking Shawn. He mutters to Michael) You know this is my fault. I knew I shouldn't have let him play little league. It's clearly a dangerous sport! Michael: Rick, let's let the doctors talk. Rick: They wanna know what happened. Michael, I'm telling them what happened. Michael: Shawn's gonna be ok. (to Derek) Right? Derek: Yeah we have to keep a close eye on him. (Rick nods) Okay recommendations? Meredith: Traumatic brain injury could indicate anything from a concussion to intracranial hemorrhaging. (Rick brings his hand to his chest upset) I'd start with a H & P, do a thorough neuro-exam and get a CT. Derek: Good. Rick: Are you sure you don't need to throw up? Shawn (sighs): Dad. (Rick nods) (Addison is standing at the doorway of Tucker's patient room where he is dressed and packing up his things ready to go home. Addison still looks like she has a major wedgie or something) Addison: Tucker. (Tucker turns around) Tucker: Dr. Shepherd. Addison: How um ... how are you feeling? (She walks into the room) Tucker (smiles): I'm feeling great. I get to go home. (Addison forces a smile back) Addison: That's fantastic. Is Miranda gonna meet you there? (Bailey opens up the bathroom door and walks out of the bathroom holding her little baby Will) Bailey: No. I'm driving him there. Addison (looks relived): Oh thank god. Bailey: You okay? Addison: I need a consult. (Tucker gives Bailey a look) Bailey (defensive to Tucker): I'm not working. Addison (clears her throat): Hmm. Miranda, I need a consult. (Exam room where Addison is sitting on a table in stirrups and Bailey is looking under Addison's skirt) Bailey: Oh no. Addison: Please don't say that. Bailey: Addison, I'm so, so, sorry. You have poison oak, ( Addison moans and lies back on the exam seat/bed) where nobody wants to have poison oak. GVO: Like I was saying ... Addison: Oh god. GVO: ... payback's a bitch. (Tucker's room where Derek is checking on Tucker who is holding William) Derek: It's official my friend. You get to go home. Tucker (smiles): I can't thank you enough. I thank you. My wife thanks you. (Will gurgles) Oh and my son thanks you. Derek: Hey where is your wife? You can't drive for another six weeks. (Richard walks in) Richard: Dr. Shepherd is a stickler when it comes to his patients' recovery. I should know. (They shake hands) Tucker: Hey Richard. Richard: Wanted to stop in before Bailey took you home. Tucker: Uh well she's here somewhere. (he gestures to Derek) Ah your wife came in earlier. Said she needed a consult. (Derek looks confused) Richard: Consult? Bailey is on maternity leave. Tucker: Seemed like some kind of personal consult. It's okay. I don't mind waiting. (Addison is in the exam room. Bailey pulls back the curtain and sits down in front of Addison who looks very irritated at the itchiness of her legs) Bailey: Okay I'm back. Addison: You didn't make up a chart did you? Please tell me you did not make up a chart. Bailey: I did not make up a chart which means (Bailey puts on some gloves) we are officially stealing this calamine lotion and these gloves. You take it up with the Chief. Addison (horrified): The Chief? No, no, no, no. I can not take this up with the Chief. Bailey: I'm just kidding. Addison: Okay did I make jokes with you when you were in the stirrups? Bailey: No you did not and I'm apologizing. Addison (tries to rub her legs together): Uh! (Bailey lifts up Addison's skirt) Bailey: Oh my! Addison: What? Bailey: These blisters are growing awful fast. Yeah I gotta give you a shot of steroids. Addison (sits up aghast): Steroids? Bailey: I've never seen a case of poison oak this bad. ( Addison sighs and lies back down and Bailey continues looking) Ew, girl what did you do? Addison: Oh for the love of God Miranda, the calamine! Bailey: Oh right sorry. (She moves to get the calamine lotion) (Alex is pushing Shawn in a wheelchair down the hall. Meredith is walking with them holding Shawn's chart) Alex: What happened with you and O'Malley? Meredith: Nothing. Alex: Well whatever it is I've done worse. Meredith: How do you know I did something? How do you know George didn't do something? Alex: Because Bambi looks pissed and you look guilty. (The walk into the CT room) Alex: Here we are. Come on buddy let me help you up here. (He lifts Shawn on the table of the CT machine) There you go. Meredith: Fine. I did something. A terrible, terrible something. Shawn: One time I put a raw egg in my sock drawer for a month and then I smashed it in my teacher's grade book. Meredith: Ew. Shawn: My Dads were really mad. (Alex looks amused) Meredith: Well what I did was worse than that. Shawn: Cool. Alex: Cool. (OR where Burke is doing an angiogram on Keith. Cristina and George are assisting. George shoots a glance at Cristina) Cristina: Stop pouting. George: I'm not pouting. Cristina: Oh please I don't have to even look at you. I can feel you pouting. Whatever Meredith did it wasn't on purpose so get over it already. (Burke clears his throat loudly) I'm not being inappropriate. He's acting like she skinned his puppy. Burke (whispers back to her): Cristina, it's not nice. Cristina: Well I'm not a nice person. George: If you knew what she did you would understand. Cristina: No I don't understand. I don't wanna know. What I want is to analyze this angiogram, put this sucker into surgery and excise his cardio-thoracic mass. George (looking at the screen): Doesn't look like a mass to me. Burke: That's because it's not. (Keith's patient room where he is now back in sitting upright on the bed. Amy is sitting next to him. Burke is standing there with his chart. Cristina and George are there as well) Burke: What we thought was a mass is actually a coronary artery aneurysm with a fistula into one of your heart chambers. Keith: Is it ah easy to fix? Amy: Before you answer that question I just want to let you know that we are getting married. We're, we're in love and we're getting married and we're not so young so we've been waiting a long time for this. I have my dress and everyone's coming and it's supposed to be the happiest day of our lives and that the only reason I'm telling you this is because you have this look on your face. This dark ominous look and... Keith (interrupts): Oh honey. Amy (continues on force smiling) ... we're silver lining kind of people so I just thought I might help if you knew that. Burke: Dr. Yang, would you close the door? (Cristina shuts the door and Burke clears his throat and Amy instantly looks scared) We can ah- we can operate on the aneurysm. Try to repair it. But this type of lesion is extremely delicate. Chances of it rupturing in surgery are high. Keith: What keeps it from rupturing if I'm just walking down the street? Burke: Nothing. The risks are high either way. Amy: This isn't happening. This can't be happening. Keith: It's okay Amy. Amy: No it's not. Burke: I know it's a lot to process but if we're going to operate, we need to do to it as soon as possible. Amy (shocked and teary-eyed): We're getting married. Keith (strokes her hair and whispers): Honey. Amy: We're getting...we're getting married. Keith (soothingly): Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. (Burke, Cristina and George are outside Keith's room) George: They seem like a really nice couple. They don't seem like they deserve this. Burke: Um they never do. George: Really? I guess I just think I believe in karma. You know I mean good people deserve good things. At least that's how I thought the universe worked. Cristina: How can you think that and practice medicine? (George gives looks up at her shocked and Burke gives her a disapproving look) George (angry): Why...I'm not saying that everybody who gets sick or everybody who dies is bad. I'm just saying that ah I think that there's a balance. Or there should be balance! I should...there should be some sort of balance. That's (he shrugs and mutters to himself) Burke: Good god O'Malley, what the hell did Grey do to you? (George looks up at Burke and then gives Cristina a look and Cristina just looks amazed) (Shawn's room where he's back in his bed. Derek is standing in front of Shawn's bed and Shawn's parents are both standing at the bedside) Michael: What exactly do you mean when you say blood in the ventricle? (Derek nods but doesn't get to answer) Rick: Oh my god his brain is bleeding? Derek: Well there's no need to panic. It's a small amount of blood and these injuries often resolve themselves. Rick: Yeah but what if it doesn't? Will he lose IQ points? Because he's very smart (Derek shakes his head no and Michael shakes his head apologetically) and that's very important to him and he likes to be smart. (to Michael) Do you think we should sue that little brute that hit the ball? (Michael raises his eyebrows) Or the coach? We should sue the coach. Michael: Shawn loves the coach. Rick: Yeah Shawn's brain is bleeding! Michael: Rick. Shawn: Dad, I'm fine. Geeze. Derek: Yeah. He's awake, alert, minimal pain. These are all good signs. I just want to monitor him over the next forty-eight hours. Rick (nods): Okay. Good. Hear that Shawn? Good signs. (Shawn nods) That means honey you shouldn't be scared. Shawn (nods): I'm not. Rick: I am. Michael & Shawn (at the same time): We know. (Izzie is wearing a yellow gown coming out of the Pit to outside into the waiting area for the ambulances. Alex is sitting on a bench holding a cupcake) Izzie: Oh they paged you too? Must be something big. (Alex stands up) Alex: Nobody paged me. Izzie (refers to the back of her gown): Can you tie this? Alex: Nobody paged you either. Izzie: Yes they did. I just got a page. (Alex pushes her against the wall and Izzie starts smiling) Did you page me? Alex. (He holds up the cupcake to her) Oh. Oooh. (She starts licking the cream of the cake and Alex starts kissing her cheek) Alex: You free tonight? Izzie: I might be. Hmm ... Hey are you still working with Meredith? (Alex shakes his head and kisses her. An ambulance can be heard coming in) Alex: I'm trying to kiss you. Izzie: Yeah but she won't say anything about what happened between her and George (Alex shakes his head) because I'm starting to get really worried. (Alex just kisses her) (You can hear Ray the paramedic wheeling in a patient) Ray: 35 year old male. Shortness of breath. Had a syncopal episode. (Izzie looks to the side and sees Denny Duquette the heart transplant patient from episode 2x13 being wheeled in) Ray (trails off as he wheels Denny): Pulse is rapid and irregular. Izzie (pulls away as she realizes): Oh my god. It's Denny. (She starts running down the hall after the paramedics) Alex: What? Izzie (calls back): It's Denny! (She leaves Alex looking gloomy holding the cupcake in his hand) (Trauma room where Denny is being placed onto a gurney in the middle of the room surrounded by E.R. doctors. The ER resident comes in) Izzie: What did you get in the field? Doctor: Hey this is my patient until I sign him over to you. (Alex jogs in) Izzie: I know this guy. He's on top of the donor list for a new heart. That makes him surgical. I've already paged Dr. Burke and he's on his way. So you better start signing now. (to the paramedic) What did he get in the field? Ray: We gave him 40 of furosemide. Rhythm didn't change after 6 of adenosine. (Ray and the other paramedic leave. Izzie looks upset at this and Burke walks in) Burke: What do we got? Izzie: It's Denny. Alex: Transplant dude. Burke: Denny? Alex: Transplant candidate. Acute dysrhythmia and CHF. Vitals all over the place. Burke (checks Denny): His heart rhythm is a mess. Alex: He's in heart failure. Izzie (panicked): Bizoprolo can reduce the chance of mortality. Can we try that? What about ACE inhibitors? Digoxin! Somebody load him with dig! Burke: Stevens slow down. He's holding on. Barely but he's holding on. Izzie (still panicked): Isn't there something more that we can do? There has to be something more we can do. Burke: The best we can do is to get him up to CICU and wait and see if his heart will stabilize. Alex: Izzie, we should...we should go. Izzie (pushes off Alex and goes up to Denny): No you go um I'm gonna stay. (Alex walks out) (Bailey is rummaging through some medical supplies in a hallway. Richard comes up to her) Bailey (to herself): No, yes, yes. Richard: I see you. (Bailey jumps a little) Bailey: No you don't. Richard: Your husband was discharged over an hour ago. Bailey: I'm not here. Richard: Go home. You're not working today. You're on maternity leave. Bailey: Exactly. (She takes the medical supplies she grabbed and heads off) (Cristina is checking Keith's heartbeat with a stethoscope in Keith's room. Amy is standing next to him) Cristina: Have you made your decision? Keith: Wh- Oh ah about the surgery um (he glances at Amy) no we're still ah- we're still talking about it. Uh we were thinking maybe we should wait until after the wedding. Um. Amy: So, so how is he? Cristina: Ah he's pretty much the same. Keith: Oh that's good, right? Cristina: Ahh no. Not really. It... (she sighs) see with your condition you're gonna be okay until your not and if you opt against the surgery and if you leave now it's just a matter of time. And you might make it to your wedding but you might not and you won't know. You're just gonna be okay until you die. Keith: Wh...what? (he chuckles) You're trying to comfort me? Cristina: No. I'm trying to convince you to let Dr. Burke operate. Amy: So that he can die today? Cristina: He might die today anyway but Dr. Burke is the very best and he's your very best chance. (Denny's room in the ICU. Burke is at the nurses' station outside just hanging up the phone. Izzie comes up to the desk) Burke: Stevens. Is everything all right? Izzie: Ah it's just ... it's just not fair you know. It's really not fair. (she sighs) We treat jerks all the time. Patch 'em up, send 'em off whether they deserve it or not. No big deal but ... Denny. He's a good guy Dr. Burke. He's a really good guy with a bad heart and all we can do for him is wait. Burke: Believe me I know. I've been treating Denny a long time. Izzie: He doesn't deserve this. Burke: What he deserves is the best cardiac care. We're giving him that. (Izzie nods) You really like him don't you? Izzie (shrugs): He just ... he just doesn't deserve this. (Addison is in her exam room still in the stirrups. Bailey is sitting in front of her with an ice pack. Bailey puts on the ice-pack on Addison) Addison : Ah! Bailey: Sorry, how's that? Is that ice-pack helping? Addison: I don't know. I don't think so. Eh! Bailey: Mind if I ask how exactly this happened? Addison: I slept with Mark! Bailey: Oh! ... And he had poison oak on his... Addison: No! I slept with Mark a year ago and apparently this is what I get! Bailey: Yeah. But how did you... Addison (upset): I live in a trailer. I have Meredith Grey's dog. And I went outside to throw a stick and I had to pee. So I squatted! Because I didn't want to go inside and wake up my husband because the way he's been looking at me since yesterday. I just wanted a few minutes of peace. (she starts crying and points to her legs) And this is what I get. Bailey: No. No, no. Don't cry. Addison (crying): This is what I get! Bailey: Please don't cry! Please don't cry! (Bailey stands up) Stop! You're gonna make me- (Addison continues crying and Bailey removes her hands from her breasts. Her shirt is all wet) lactate. Addison (crying): I'm sorry. Bailey: Get, get me some gauze. Get me some gauze. Addison (crying and hands over some gauze): I'm sorry. (There's a knock at the door) Bailey: Stop. Shh. (There's a knock again. Bailey opens the door slightly and reveals Richard standing there) Bailey: Can I help you Chief? Richard: Dr. Bailey. I don't know what you're doing in there but whatever it is- (Bailey opens the door wider and Richard notices the two large round wet stains on Bailey's top) Oh. Oh. Oh no. Um (he clears his throat) Dr. Bailey. Ah, I'm ... sorry. Uh carry on. (He clears his throat again and walks away. Bailey shakes her bemused and closes the door) (Derek is entering Shawn's room. Debbie the nurse is standing over Shawn's bedside and Meredith is standing on the other side. Rick and Michael are standing a bit to the side. Shawn appears conscious and Debbie and Meredith are prepping him for surgery. Another nurse is there as is Alex) Derek: Okay fill me in. Meredith: I was doing his routine neuro check... Derek: Uh huh. Meredith (continues) I noticed he was altered. Most likely a clot. Acute hydrocephalus. (Derek checks Shawn's eyes) Derek: Oh damn. We need to relieve the pressure right now. Alex: Cranial access kit is ready. Rick: Cranial access? Access to Shawn's brain? Derek: Debbie, get them out of here. Debbie: Gentlemen. (She starts leading Rick and Michael out but Rick pushes past her) Michael: Rick. Rick: We're not going anywhere. Derek: Look I'm about to drill a hole into your son's skull. You don't want to watch this. Rick: He's our son. We're not leaving. (Michael tries to get him to leave) We are not leaving his side! Derek: 15 blade please. I want a catheter ready to drain as soon as I penetrate the dura. (Michael takes Rick's hand in his and Rick takes on Shawn's hands) Derek (to the parents): Do not panic. (Rick nods) Derek: I want the drill. (Alex hands him the drill and Derek starts drilling into Shawn's brain) Derek: Almost in. Okay there. (A little bit of blood squirts out and Rick clenches his eyes shut) Get that. (he hands the drill back) Okay catheter to go in. (he places the catheter in) Meredith (checks Shawn's eyes): Pupils reactive. Derek: Pressure's stabilizing. Rick: Is he okay? Meredith (to Alex and Meredith): I want neuro checks every hour and increase the supervision. (to Rick and Michael) We...we're in the clear for now. Rick: We're in the clear? Derek: You guys did well. (Shawn is conscious now) Shawn: Ah I have a headache. Alex: Welcome back little man. (his pager goes off) 911. (He leaves as Derek is sewing up the hole he made. Rick looks a little pale. Shawn notices) Shawn: Dad you look white, are you okay? (Rick half nods and then shakes his head and then pulls to the side and vomits onto the floor) Debbie: Oh great. (Denny's room where his monitors are beeping rapidly. Izzie is already standing in there with a nurse as Alex comes in) Alex: You got in here quick. Izzie: We got to get his heart rate under control. (to the nurse) Push 300 of amniodarone now. (Burke enters) Burke: Status? Izzie: Atrial fibrillation. His heart is beating too fast. If we can't get it to slow down... Alex (injects the drug and shrugs): It'll give out. Burke: Alright let's try synchronized cardio-version. (to the nurse) Push 5 of morphine. (The nurse hands Alex the morphine) Denny (groggy): Izzie? Izzie: You're awake. Denny: Hey, I was hoping I might get to see you. Izzie: You're working us pretty hard around here. Denny: The things I have to do to get a girl's attention. (Alex seems annoyed) Burke: Denny, we're about to send a series of electric currents through your body. Hopefully the shocks will be enough to slow your heart rate back to normal. (Another nurse brings in the crash cart) Izzie: I'll be here the whole time. (Alex seems really annoyed now) Denny: Is this gonna hurt? Burke: It won't be fun. Denny (to Izzie): Iz, maybe you ought to hold my hand then huh? (Izzie smiles and takes Denny's hand into her own) Alex: Do you mind if I handle the paddles? Burke: Be my guest. (Alex takes the paddles and moves to shock Denny with them) Izzie: Ready? Denny: Yeah. Hit me. Alex: Clear. (Izzie drops Denny's hand as Alex shocks Denny) Denny: AUGH! God! Burke: No change. Try it one hundred. (Alex looks like he's getting some kind of sick pleasure from this) Alex: Clear! (He shocks Denny again) Denny: AUGH! Oh, oh, oh! Holy smokes. (his heart monitor returns to normal) Oh. Burke: Denny, you are a lucky man. (Izzie looks down relieved) Denny (breathing hard): Oh. Oh, oh Doc. I outta kick your ass for making me yell like a baby in front of the girl I'm trying to impress man. (Izzie can't stop a smile from forming) Oh geeze. (Izzie is chuckling and Alex looks on jealous) (Bailey is walking down the hallway trying to clean up her shirt still. Derek notices her a few feet away) Derek: Dr. Bailey. (Bailey starts walking faster and Derek runs up quickly to catch her) Derek: Dr. Bailey! Did you hear me? (He stops her) Derek: Ah, ah I'm a little distracted right now. (Derek notices the 'spots') Derek: Oh yes. I've been paging you. Bailey: I'm not on call. I'm on maternity leave. Derek: I've been paging my wife as well but she hasn't been answering either. You know where she is. Bailey: Just because I know doesn't mean you should. (Derek looks confused) There's some things you don't get to know. Not from me and really you don't wanna know. Derek: Yeah but you have to tell me where she is. (Bailey looks up with a look saying 'Oh really?') I saved your husband's life. Bailey: She saved my baby. Derek: So baby trumps husband? Bailey (nods): Mmm. (She walks away) Derek (calls out in disbelief): Baby trumps husband? (Meredith is walking down a hallway writing in a chart. George is walking the same hall from the opposite direction. They stop when they both see each other. George kinda moves to talk to Meredith but Meredith puts her chart away and walks back the way she came quickly. George looks on hurt) [SCENE_BREAK] (Waiting room lounge where George enters to make himself coffee. He notices that the room is not empty but has Amy in it sitting at a table with her wedding planner) George: Hey Amy. Amy: The website said you should save your receipts. George: I'm sorry? Amy: Oh you know just in case something happens. You know, have them. (She opens up the wedding planner) I have all of ours here right here. You know I've got my dress and the band and the ballroom deposit and the honeymoon. And my mom said I shouldn't you know keep them. It was bad luck. It was tempting fate. George: This isn't your fault. Amy: You, you have a life. You, you fall in love. You, you make plans. You have fantasies. (She closes the book and stands up) And none of them involve all of them ending in the blink of the eye. (George looks sad as he understands and Amy leaves) (Alex is whistling walking down a hallway where he notices Meredith sitting on some empty chairs in corner. He walks up to her) Alex: What are you doing? Meredith: Hiding. (He sits down across from her) Alex: Alright, so you slept with O'Malley. Get over it already. Meredith: He told you? Alex (shocked): Eh ... no. (Meredith stares at him and Alex still stares at her shocked until he starts to laugh) Alex: Oh I was just kidding. Uh. I mean it's not like I should be surprised. Meredith: Why not? Alex: Because when your life is sucking, you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate men. It's your thing. Whatever. I find it charming. Meredith: You sleep with inappropriate women when you're sober. Alex: One inappropriate woman and Izzie forgave me for that. O'Malley, he's not gonna get over this. Meredith: Izzie hasn't forgiven you. Alex: Yes she has. We're together. Meredith: No you're not. Izzie may be sleeping with you but she'll never see you the way she saw you before you slept with Olivia. Alex: Why are you trying to piss me off? Meredith: You're trying to suggest that it's forgivable for you to sleep with Olivia but not forgivable for me to sleep with George. (George is standing at the doorway near them) George: You told him? I... Meredith: George. George: Wow when I'm wrong about someone... Meredith (interrupts): No I... George (continues): I am really wrong! Meredith: No George! (George starts walking off and Meredith and Alex start running after him) It's not! It's not what you think! Alex: Dude chill! George (stops angry): You chill! You chill! I'm not...I'm not gonna chill. (he starts walking off again and they start following him again) Meredith: George! I... (Izzie comes into the hallway) Izzie: What's going on? Alex: The fetus is freaking out. Izzie: I can see that. (She tries to grab George's arm) Why are you freaking out? (George stops again and Cristina comes in from the other side of the hall) George: You think that someone is your friend you know. (Meredith looks ashamed and George is angry) You think at the very least she'd respect your privacy! Cristina: What's going on? (George starts walking off again and Meredith follows) Alex: Baby boy is freaking out. Izzie: She can see that! Cristina (at the same time): I can see that! Izzie: Why is he freaking out? (The others follow as well and see George and Meredith a few feet away. George is standing in front of the door leading into a stairwell) Meredith: George, can we at least talk? George: I don't wanna talk! Not to you! I wanted to keep my mouth shut! And if you hadn't been running away from me every time you see me you would know that. (George enters the stairwell and starts hurrying down the stairs. Meredith follows) Meredith: Okay, you're right but can we just talk now? (The others follow) George (yells): You wanna talk now because you told everyone that we had s*x! Meredith (eyes widen): Shh. Izzie: You had s*x?! Cristina: You had s*x with George?! George: You didn't tell them? Meredith: No. George: Damn it! (He moves to walk down the next flight of stairs but ends up falling down them instead) (All the girls yelled concerned) George: Ah! (Alex just laughs. Izzie whacks his arm) (George is sitting in a trauma room with what looks like a sore arm. Alex, Izzie, Meredith and Cristina are watching him through the window. Meredith walks away) George: Go away. (They walk away to where Meredith is standing a few feet away) Meredith: He's gonna be okay right? Alex: He dislocated his shoulder. He's gonna be fine. (Alex walks off) Meredith: That's not exactly what I meant. Izzie: Meredith, if you can't make this right, if you can't fix this with George, just so you know if it comes to choosing sides, I'm on his. (Izzie walks off and Meredith turns to look at Cristina) Cristina: He's the weaker kid. I mean I don't even beat up on weaker kids. It's cheap. Meredith (teary-eyed): I did a terrible thing. I didn't... (she shakes her head) I did a terrible thing. Cristina: He's been in love with you since Day One. There's no way you didn't know that. (Meredith looks down) We all do terrible things. Meredith: Thank you. Cristina: You're welcome. (She leaves) (George is sitting the trauma room looking gloomy. An orthopedic surgeon named Calliope "Callie" Torres walks in with George's chart) Callie: George O'Malley? George: Uh hi. Callie: Dr. George O'Malley. You're the heart in the elevator guy! George: Yeah that's me. Callie (smiles): That was amazing. George: Uh thanks. I uh dislocated my shoulder. (Callie checks his shoulder) Callie: Yeah. George: Oh! Callie: I can see that. George: It's really not so bad. (Callie moves to write in his chart) Callie: Yes it is. Pick your poison. George: Uh ... no pain killers, thanks. Callie: Bold choice. George: No I just ah officially I'm on duty. Callie (chuckles): And planning to stay? George: Mmm Hmm. Callie: Bolder choice. George: All I need is help ah popping it back in. Callie: You got into a fight? George: I fell, fell down some stairs. (Callie moves to the side where George has dislocated his arm) Callie: Where? At your girlfriend's? George: What? No I'm single. Callie: Single, huh. (She grabs George's arm suddenly and snaps it back into place) George: Augh! Ah! Callie: It hurts less if you don't see it coming. (She helps George place his arm into a sling. It's obvious she seems to 'like' him) George: All set? Callie: All set. George: Okay. (he gets up) Thanks. Callie: You're welcome. George: Bye. Callie: Bye. (George leaves) (Meredith and Derek are entering an empty elevator. Meredith looks upset and Derek looks at her concerned) Meredith: Don't. Derek: Don't? Meredith: Don't be nice to me. ... I did a terrible thing. Derek: We all do terrible things. Meredith: No, I...I...I did a thing that I...I can't even believe I did and ... I was sad (she shakes her head) and uh. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna lose all my friends. Derek: You won't lose me. (He half-smiles at her) Meredith: You're not my friend. Derek: Yes I am. (She shoots him a look) Well then I could be. (he smiles) I'm a very good friend. Meredith: No we can't be friends. Derek: We could be friends. You'd be lucky to have me. Meredith (upset): How? How can we be friends? Derek: We could ah ... hangout. Mmm hmm. I walk Doc every other morning. Tiger Mountain Trail. We could meet. Have coffee. Watch Doc play and ... discuss the complex nature of our existence. Meredith: Right. Derek: We could. Might be fun. I could be your friend Meredith. (The doors ding open) Meredith: No, we can't be friends. (She walks out. The doors close on Derek who is looking down and gloomy) (Denny's patient room in ICU. Izzie is in there with him. He smiles at her and she smiles back) Izzie: Just adding nitro. Your blood pressure is stable now. Your CHF has improved and the atrial fibrillation resolved. Denny (smiles): I like the way you say fibrillation. Izzie (sexy voice): Fibrillation. (she laughs) Denny (smiling): Tease. Izzie: How are you feeling? Denny: You ah ... you believe in karma? Izzie: Um ... actually I do. Yeah. Denny (grins): I think you might be mine. Izzie (chuckles and smiles): Well you must have been very, very good to deserve me. Denny (grins): Must have. (Izzie laughs. Alex is looking on jealously through he window of the patient room) (Derek is walking down the hall and about to knock on the door to Addison's room. Richard comes up to him) Richard: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Derek: Dr. Bailey said she... Richard (interrupts): If she wants some privacy then we will give her, her privacy, understood? Derek: Well Dr. Bailey paged me. Richard: She did? Derek: Yeah. (Bailey comes up to them also carrying her baby boy) Bailey: I did and I'm still not here. I'm still on maternity leave and (to Richard) I still need some privacy Chief. (She opens the door to the room and to Derek) Come here. (Both Derek and Richard try to walk in but only Derek gets in before Bailey closes the door in Richard's face. Derek is in the room trying to peer over the curtain shielding Addison) Bailey: No moving, no peeking, no pulling the curtain. Just stand there. Let her talk to you, understand? Derek: Is this really necessary? Bailey: I said do you understand? Derek: I'm not mentally challenged. Bailey: I'm not so sure about that. (speaks loudly so Addison can hear) Let her talk. (Bailey leaves the room) Derek: Addison, this is ridiculous. Addison: Stay where you are! Promise! Derek: Okay, I promise. Addison: I'm gonna show you something and when I do you do not get to laugh and you do not get to gloat. Derek: Why would I gloat? Addison: I have poison oak. (Derek pulls back the curtain to reveal Addison sitting upright in the stirrups looking glum) Derek: What? (Addison slowly pulls up the sheet covering her legs. Derek looks confused and then steps forward and peers down at Addison lower body. He stands up amused) Derek: Hmm. You do indeed have poison oak. (Addison has a very grumpy look on her face and Derek is struggling not to smile) Addison (yells): So are we even yet? I mean is this bad enough? Have we repaid my debt to society, Derek? (Derek cracks up laughing and Addison throws a pillow at him also trying not to smile. He continues laughing and throws the pillow back at her. Addison chuckles) (Bailey is outside listening in through the door) Derek (amused): Alright, let's take a look. Addison: Get out! (Bailey smiles and starts walking down the hallway with her baby) Bailey: Oh. Ah. Come on Tuck. Let's take your daddy home. Oh. Big boy. Big boy. (George has his arm in a sling and Cristina walking down the hallway) George: She really didn't tell you about it? Cristina: No. God is that a bad thing? George: Well she tells you everything. So it didn't even matter enough to her to talk about it. (Cristina stops George walking) Cristina: Okay George, the pity thing? Not good. If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, then stop accepting crap and demand something more. (Cristina walks off to the nearby nurses' station and George is about to walk into Keith's room when Amy comes out with her wedding planner and her bag) George: Hey Amy. Amy: Oh could you tell ah Dr. Burke that um Keith is going to have the surgery. (Cristina walks up to them) Cristina: Oh that's great. George: Where are you going? Amy: Um I'm...I'm not strong enough for this. George: Oh Amy I know it's hard but your fianc e say is going into surgery. You're gonna want to be here when he wakes up. Amy (sad): No I won't. Um he's not my fianc e anymore. (She moves to walk off) George: You're leaving him? Amy: I'm not strong enough for this. Cristina: So the in sickness and in health part of your vows, you're just planning to leave those out? Amy: Please try to understand. I don't like that I'm not strong enough. I just know that I'm not. (Nurse Olivia suddenly opens the door to Keith's room and pops out) Olivia: George, he's crashing. George: What? Cristina: His aneurysm may have blown. Page Dr. Burke! (They rush into Keith's room where you can hear the monitors beeping rapidly. Amy looks sick and walks away) (Burke is about to operate on Keith in the O.R with an O.R team. Cristina is assisting) Burke: Okay everyone. It's actually a coronary artery aneurysm. (George is sitting in a fairly empty gallery by himself watching. Olivia comes in dressed to go home) Olivia: He's gonna live? George: Burke's a miracle worker. Do you know this guy's fianc e left? Olivia: Oh. Sounds like he dodged a bullet. George: I don't think he's gonna see it that way. Olivia: If she can't love him back the way he loves her ... then she doesn't deserve him. (George looks down) George: You heard about me and Meredith? Olivia: Well everyone heard. George, you were yelling about it in the hallway. (George sighs and brings his hand to his forehead) Must've sucked. I'm sorry. George: I'm sorry. (Olivia looks confused) Um...If I made you feel anything like I'm feeling right now. ... I'm sorry. Olivia: That's nice to hear. (Olivia leaves) (Meredith's house, George's room) (George is emptying out his sock drawer with his one agile arm. He dumps it onto the bed. The scene switches him to shutting his suitcase and locking it. He opens the door to Meredith's bedroom and he pauses at the doorway. He flashes back to the previous night) (George and Meredith are in her bed together. He moves from under the sheets to rest on top of her. He appears breathless. They both appear to be naked. George seems to be happy) George: How's that? Meredith: Good. Really good. George: Yeah? (He leans to kiss her neck) Meredith: Yeah. George: Cause I could ah...I could do it again. I like doing it. Meredith: No it's... George: I could do it until you... Meredith (forces a smile): No it's okay. I'm fine. George: Yeah? (he leans into kiss her) Meredith: Ow. George: Oh sorry. Meredith: You're in my hair. Okay. George: Sorry. Meredith: It's okay. Yeah. There George: Right there? (Time seems to have moved forward and they actual seem to be in the throes) George: Meredith. Meredith. (George collapses on her) Meredith (tears in her voice): Oh George. (He props himself up) George: Meredith? (Meredith starts crying really badly) What's wrong? Meredith: Oh, oh, oh nothing! (she shakes her head crying) Nothing is wrong. Why would you think anything is wrong? George: You're crying. Meredith (crying): Oh. It'll stop. Just ignore me. George (smiles): No. I can't. I can't ignore you. Meredith (crying): Yeah. It's fine. It's fine. Just...It's okay. Just...You're almost done, right? George (a little shocked): No. Meredith (cries out): George. George: Meredith. Meredith. (Meredith just continues on crying even more than before) Meredith: George, please. George: Sleep...Sleeping with me is really this awful for you? Meredith (crying): No George! It's not. (George moves off Meredith quickly and grabs a blanket and wraps it around himself) It's not you! (George leaves and slams the door behind him. Meredith continues on crying) George! (George is standing at the doorway now. He enters the room and grabs his shirt from the previous night off the floor. He stands up and finds Meredith standing at the doorway) Meredith: There's a suitcase in the hall. George: I was just getting my shirt. Meredith: There's a suitcase... George (interrupts): Yeah ah I don't live here anymore. (He moves to walk past her) Excuse me. (Meredith steps into the room and sits on her bed. George stops at the doorway) George: Why? I just wanna know why you ... If you didn't want to... Meredith: I didn't know I didn't want to. ... You were there and you were saying all these perfect things and I was sad. And so I thought maybe, maybe I've just been overlooking what's been in front of me. And if I just give it a chance because you're George and you're so great ... ... I didn't know I didn't want to until I knew I didn't want to. George: Yeah. (he nods) Ok. (She turns to face him) Meredith: Can we please just go back to everything the way it was? George (looks at her in disbelief): I don't know how to go back. No. I'm done. We're done. (He walks off) GVO: One way or another, our karma, will leave us to face ourselves. (Locker room) (Izzie is standing in front of a mirror ready to go home but looking very nice. She is applying lipstick) GVO: We can look our karma in the eye or we can wait for it to sneak up on us from behind. (Alex appears behind Izzie smiling also dressed to go home) Alex: You ready? Izzie: What? Alex: Aren't we...I thought we had plans for tonight. (She turns around to face him) Izzie: Oh I forgot. I'm sorry. Raincheck? Alex (a little off put): Sure. (Izzie turns back to the mirror and Alex walks away) (Keith's room post-op. Keith is lying in bed. Burke comes in) Keith: Amy ... Burke: She's not ah ... here. ... Um but you are. That's what important. Keith: She left? She really left. ... Who does that? (tears in his voice) What kind of person does that? (Burke tucks Keith in) GVO: One way or another, our karma will always find us. (Izzie walks all dressed up nice but completely casual with a large paper bag to Denny's CICU room. Denny is reading a book) Izzie (smiles broadly): Hey. Denny (smiles back): Hey yourself. (Izzie is placing a small table cloth on the table in front of Denny) Denny: Wow. (Izzie puts two plastic wine glasses on the table and fills them with apple juice) I gotta say, not exactly how I envisioned our perfect first date. Izzie: Are you kidding? Do you know how hard I've had to work to get a cute boy in bed before? (Denny smiles at her) Denny: You think I'm cute. Izzie (chuckles): Okay. Shut up and drink your juice. GVO: And the truth is as surgeons we have more chances than most to set the balance in our favor. (Outside SGH) (George is sitting on a ledge of a window of the hospital. Callie dressed to go home walks up to him) Callie: George? George: Dr. Torres. Callie (smiles): Callie. (She notices the suitcase on the ground next to him) You're going on a trip? George: It's ah...sorta. (he nods at her) Callie: Well in that case ... (she grabs out a pen from her bag and writes her number of George's hand) Give me a call when you get back in town. (George looks at her amazed and she blows gently on his hand to dry the ink. She smiles and walks away. George looks to the side and sees Dr. Burke standing at the entrance ready to go home looking at him) GVO: No matter how hard we try, we can't escape our karma. It follows us home. (Burke and Cristina's apartment) (Burke and Cristina are in bed. Cristina is rubbing lotion on her legs.) Burke: He's your friend. He needed our help. Cristina: Are his problems surgical? Burke: Mmm no. Cristina: Then technically he doesn't need our help. (Burke puts his book down and puts his glasses on his bedside table) Burke: You're a good person. Cristina: I am not. (She puts her lotion away and switches her lamp off so they're shrouded in darkness. They lie down and pull the sheets over them. Burke cuddles up close to Cristina) Burke: Goodnight. Cristina: Ah ha, goodnight. (They both close their eyes) George (calls out from the living room): Goodnight. (Both of them open their eyes) (George is lying on the couch with a blanket and everything reading a journal. He switches off the lamp next to him) GVO: I guess we can't really complain about karma. It's not unfair. It's not unexpected. It just ... evens the score. (Forest Park, Tiger Mountain Trail) (It's daybreak and Doc is eagerly running and barking along the trail. Doc stops and then barks more. Derek is slowly walking smiling behind Doc with his leash. Doc is running up to Meredith where she pats him) GVO: And even when we're about to do something we know will tempt karma to bite us in the ass ... (Derek walks up to Meredith smiling and they both turn to watch Doc run about) GVO: ... well it goes without saying ... Meredith: So. Derek: So. Meredith: Just friends. (He nods) Derek: Just friends. GVO: ...we do it anyway.

Following their sexual encounter, Meredith and George avoid each other at work, and George ends up falling down a stairwell and dislocating his shoulder. Frequent heart patient Denny is readmitted and grows closer to Izzie, causing Alex to be jealous. Meredith, Derek, and Alex treat a kid with a head injury. Burke, Cristina, and George treat a man about to get married who has an aortic aneurysm. Bailey's maternity leave is disrupted when Addison secretly asks her to help treat her allergic reaction to poison oak . George moves in with Burke and Cristina and catches the eye of ortho resident Dr. Callie Torres.

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"The Woman in the Car" [SCENE_BREAK] [The scene opens with an uncomfortable Dr. Brennan being interviewed by Stacie Goodyear on Brennan's newest Novel, "Bred in the Bone."] STACIE: I'm Stacie Goodyear and joining me on Wake Up, D.C. is Dr. Temperance Brennan. She is the Author of the best selling mystery novel Bred in the Bone and she's also, now tell me if I get this wrong, an anthropologist who works with the F.B.I. to solve crimes? BRENNAN: Yes, that's correct. I use the bones of people who have been murdered, or burned, or blown up, or eaten by animals or insect or just decomposed. STACIE: Well that's exciting Uh Dr. Brennan your book has sold over 300,00 copies. How do you juggle twin careers as a best-selling author and a crime-fighting scientist? BRENNAN: Well, I do one, then the other. STACIE: [Beginning to find Brennan odd and hard to interview.] And is the work enjoyable? I mean, the part involving rotten bodies? BRENNAN: Enjoyable? Well, satisfying, yes. Like cracking a code. But in general, when you're looking at someone who's been brutally murdered... it's complicated. STACIE: [chuckling] 'Cause I just thought, you know, yuck! [laughing and then sighs because Brennan herself is not laughing] Doesn't leave you much time for a personal life, does it? [Booth enters, taking a seat. Brennan takes notice] BRENNAN: It's true I'm more focused on my career right now [Booth motions for Brennan to smile.] STACIE: Most of our viewers are parents at home with their preschool-aged children. [Booth continues to urge her to smile more. Brennan attempts but it's only a fake, uncomfortable smile.] What will you tell your kids about the horrors that you see everyday? BRENNAN: I'm not going to have any children. [Stacie and Booth are taken back.] STACIE: Really? BRENNAN: Yes, really. STACIE: [Nearly speechless] Do you have any advise for budding authors out there? BRENNAN: [Stumbles for an answer.] Well, the first thing you should have is an idea and then . . . well first you need something to write with. They . . . they know that. Well, obviously you need a writing instrument and you need an idea. [Booth looks to the floor feeling bad for Brennan.] I'm just not sure which should come first. [TV Show Theme Music] STACIE: The book is Bred in the Bone by Dr. Temperance Brennan. Next up after the break, "Wicker, the new leather but is it safe for your children?" [Stacie gets up to leave eyeing Brennan.] BRENNAN: [Stands to head for Booth forgetting she is attached by a microphone.] How was I? BOOTH: We'll talk about it on the way? BRENNAN: On the way where? [They arrive at a scene with a burned car that has wrecked into a tree. Sirens are wailing] BOOTH: State troopers called in the Fire Department to put out a burning car. They found a body in the driver's seat. License plate and the V.I.N. are missing. BRENNAN: Why is the F.B.I. involved? BOOTH: One burned backpack, child-size sneaker plus the right side of her seat belt went missing, sliced away. BRENNAN : You think it was a kidnapping? BOOTH: I have to act that way. The first 48 hours after a child abduction are crucial. That's why you're here. You I.D. that victim, that tells me what kids I'm looking for. [Zach snaps photos, Brennan examines body] [Bones Intro Theme] [Fade into missing child's shoe. Zach and Brennan are on the platform.] ZACK: Shoe size, four. That's a school bag, but he contents are burned beyond recognition. BRENNAN: What about the human remains. ZACK: The victim was female. Her skull shows Caucasoid and Mongoloid features. Also, Preauricular Sulcus to the pelvis shows the victim gave birth five to eight years ago. BRENNAN: The kidnapping victim could be her child. ZACK: Maxillary Molars have been pulled and replaced with removable dentures. [He removes them from victim's mouth] Lots of gold. BRENNAN: In parts of the Caucasus, when girls from wealthy families turn 16, there given good teeth to display of affluence. ZACK: I'll dissolve a Bicuspid in Nitric Acid and do a chemical workup. BRENNAN: There's something lodged in the larynx. ZACK: Part of her tongue? [Zach pulls it out as Brennan holds a flashlight on the object.] BRENNAN: It's not fleshy enough for tongue. This is cartilage. [Goodman enters with guest.] GOODMAN: Dr. Brennan, Mr. Addy. This is Miss Pickering. She's performing a security review for the state department. HODGINS: One man's security review is another man's witch hunt. PICKERING: That would be Dr. Jack Hodgins. GOODMAN: It would be, yes. HODGINS: You know us all, don't you, Miss Pickering? Or is it "Agent" Pickering from the national security agency? PICKERING: I don't yet know you as well as I will, Dr. Hodgins. Is something burnings? ZACK: Not anymore. She's pretty much extinguished by now. GOODMAN: Miss Pickering will require a few minutes of everyone's' time to perform a routine security review. I expect everyone to be cooperative. HODGINS: I'm not swearing any damn loyalty oath. GOODMAN: [Speaking specifically to Hodgins] And civil. BRENNAN: Send this to Dr. Chen in Pathology. Ask him to identify it as soon as possible. GOODMAN: Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: Yes. Security check. Civil. [Now speaking to Hodgins] Zach will grind a segment of the femur so you can perform trace element analysis. [Hodgins nods to Brennan] PICKERING: Didn't I see you on Television this morning, Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: How could I possibly know what you watched on television? [Notices Booth] Booth. I have to talk to you. PICKERING: Yeah, it was definitely her. GOODMAN: Maybe work your way up to Dr. Brennan. [Brennan now off platform discussing case with Booth.] BOOTH: How close are you to I.D.'ing the victim? BRENNAN: I may be jumping the gun but- BOOTH: [Interrupting] That's music to my ears. BRENNAN: Considering this 48 hour thing, we should be looking at eastern European immigrants going back 10 years. BOOTH: I can get that information for you. Angela doing facial reconstruction? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: You know if this works, I'm gonna buy you a puppy. [Heading towards Angela's office.] BRENNAN: That would be inadvisable. You never told me how I was this morning. I asked, "How did I do?' You said, "We'll talk about it in the car." We never did. BOOTH: Was it your first TV interview? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: It was fine, you know, for your first interview. BRENNAN: That was a qualified response. BOOTH: What? No. It was lively [Enters Angela's office] BRENNAN: Lively? What kind of words is that? BOOTH: It's an adjective. Though ironically, most works that end in a "Y" are adverbs, like "Ironically." BRENNAN: Okay, what did I do wrong? BOOTH: Next time, tell a funny story. Oh, and never, never say you don't like children BRENNAN: I didn't say I don't like children. I said I don't want any. BOOTH: On TV it's the same thing. [Cut to Angela, Booth, and Brennan at the Angelator.] ANGELA: The victim's skull was in good shape. No real shrinkage from the fire. I'm running a comparison between the facial reconstruction and the photos in the immigration database. I hear we're all gonna get grilled by some mysterious government chick. BRENNAN; I've been through this before. It's so we can work on classified cases. C.I.A., Military. BOOTH: Why? You have something to hide? ANGELA: Better believe it, Bucko. BOOTH: What kind of something? ANGELA: The best kind. [Brennan walks to computer that is going through immigration photos and picks a good match.] BRENNAN: There. [Points to a photo] That one. ANGELA: Okay. BRENNAN: It's a good match ANGELA: Polina Rozalina Semov. Born in 1970. Cherdyn, Perm District of the Urals. She immigrated to the U.S. in '94 with her sister Maria. Married Carl Decker. They live in Cleveland Park. BOOTH: Children? ANGELA: [nodding] Donovan Dimitri Decker. Born 1997. He's eight years old. [Cut to Booth and Brennan in car, Booth drives.] BRENNAN: Polina and Carl separated three months ago, separated addresses for Mom and Dad. BOOTH: Well we know that Mom is in a drawer back in your lab. Lets go find Dad. BRENNAN: Arrest someone really small lately? [Points to car seat] Car seat in back? BOOTH: I had Parker for the weekend BRENNAN: I don't know how you do that. BOOTH: Install a car seat in an F.B.I. vehicle? BRENNAN: Bring a kid into this world, knowing what you know. I'll bet Parker was an accident, right? Because his mother wouldn't marry you? What? BOOTH: It never occurred to you that might be a sensitive topic? BRENNAN: Well, you could've gone with the very small felon story. BOOTH: It's better for Parker being in the world someday you will see that. BRENNAN: I won't. BOOTH: You'll change your mind. BRENNAN: I don't do that. BOOTH: You will. BRENNAN: Yeah, maybe after I see how Decker reacts when you tell him his wife is dead and his child has been kidnapped. BOOTH: Well statistically speaking, we're gonna find Donovan with his dad. BRENNAN: What? Why? BOOTH: Because most kidnappings happen by estranged spouses. BRENNAN: You're certainly making the whole domestic scene more and more attractive. [Cut to neighborhood, Booth and Brennan coming up on a house.] BRENNAN: This is it? BOOTH: Yea. This is the correct address. You just hang back and let me do all the talking. Okay? [Booth knocks on door and motions for Brennan to hang back.] Mr. Decker! [noticing Brennan heading for the window] ]Bones, what are you doing? BRENNAN: What? [Looking through window.] Oh, it's tidy, Spartan even. Is that normal for a recently separated man? BOOTH: Guy's supposed to be some super-rational, tight-ass Geek. [Looking around taking notice of something.] No offense. BRENNAN: There's no TV, no magazines, no art, no stereo. [Booth sees a man with binoculars looking at them from a vehicle; he glances back at Brennan before heading off to the vehicle] There's dust on everything. I don't think he's been here in a while. [She turns noticing him walking off] Where are you going? Booth? Where are you going? [Engine starts. Booth now takes off in a jog reaching for his gun. Brennan going after him.] BOOTH: Son of a bitch! [Breaks driver side window with butt of his gun. Brennan comes up on the back of the vehicles as another man tries to exit through the back window. Brennan grabs him and throws him to the ground. Booth yanks driver out of seat onto ground putting his gun on him.] BOOTH: F.B.I. DRIVER: U.S. Marshals [Pulls his gun as does the man Brennan put on the ground.] BOOTH: U.S. Marshals? BRENNAN: Forensic Anthropologist! That's why no gun. [Cut to Booth's office with Cullen.] CULLEN: Well at least nobody got shot, probably because she didn't have a gun. BOOTH: Sir, why is Carl Decker's home being watched by U.S. Marshals? CULLEN: Carl Decker's a Federal witness under witness protection. He's scheduled to appear before a grand jury in two days. BOOTH: Is it a mob thing? CULLEN: Decker Designs body armor for K.B.C. Systems. He says they knowingly sent defective armor to Iraq. Justice department believes him, so they moved him to a safe house. BRENNAN: Does the justice department think that Decker is in danger from the company? CULLEN: He thinks he is. They want him to testify, they play along. BOOTH: Does Decker know that his wife has been killed and his child has been kidnapped? CULLEN: No. And they don't want him to know. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Because it might prevent him from testifying. CULLEN: Their point of view, there's nothing to be gained from him knowing. BRENNAN; Except maybe Decker chooses not to testify and they don't kill his son. Shouldn't that be his choice. CULLEN: Justice estimates that K.B.C. systems is directly responsible for 30 deaths and hundreds of injuries. They're taking a larger view. It's complicated. BOOTH: His wife is dead and his child is missing. That's not so complicated. CULLEN: No one is stopping you from investigating those crimes. BOOTH: He's a material witness. I need access to him. CULLEN: Well, we know Decker didn't kill his wife. He was in custody of U.S. Marshals. So start looking someplace else. Harsh reality Booth, deal with it. [Cullen exits.] BRENNAN: What, does he not like me? BOOTH: I don't know. [Cut to car, Booth drives taking Brennan back to the Jeffersonian.] BRENNAN: I'll stay on Polina Decker's remains see if that leads somewhere. BOOTH: Yeah, I'll talk to the victims' families, at least the ones who aren't under federal protection. BRENNAN: You think a corporation would actually kill a woman and kidnap her child? BOOTH: Billions in dollars, plus civil suits if they're found guilty? I've seen people kill for 50 bucks. BRENNAN: You believe the by is already dead? BOOTH: I have to assume that he isn't. BRENNAN: Why make that assumption? BOOTH: Because it gives me something to look forward to instead of dread. Given a choice, I avoid dread. BRENNAN: Okay. That's logical. BOOTH: Is it? BRENNAN: Why dread something that hasn't happened yet? BOOTH: Yeah. [Cut to Jeffersonian] ZACK: That piece of Cartilage we found in Polina's mouth? Tihelix and Meatus Remnants. BRENNAN: It's an ear? ZACK: Chen says it was bitten off. BRENNAN: The victim bit off one of her attacker's ears. ZACK: I heard someone found a fingertip in their chili once. Dr. Chen also found vestiges of earwax. BRENNAN: Okay, get that wax to Hodgins. See what he can find. [Cut to Brennan and Booth watching the Decker family on tape.] DONOVAN: Am I going to ride a bike? CARL: Are you really asking? Or are you just stalling? Donovan: Mm, stalling CARL: Yeah, thoughts so. [Brennan pauses the video.] BOOTH: Why'd you stop? BRENNAN: What are we hoping to learn from this tape? We know Carl Decker didn't kidnap his own child. The mother is dead. And the boy- BOOTH: [interrupting] And the boy might be dead too. BRENNAN: I'm just wondering what is the benefit from watching this video. BOOTH: You put faces to names. You get a sense of human beings. Come on, Bones. You're the anthropologist. What does this tape tell you? Brennan: Learning to ride a bicycle is a kind of right of passage. It has anthropological significance. BOOTH: Really? BRENNAN: It carries meaning beyond the simple mechanics of learning to ride a bike. BOOTH: Are you being psychological? BRENNAN: Definitely not. Psychology is about the individual. I'm speaking to a set of cultural proxies and mores. BOOTH: What the hell are you talking about? BRENNAN [Turns to the video]: The father is tight. He's holding his arms, touching his mouth- BOOTH: [Interrupting] So he's nervous. So what? BRENNAN: Look at the boy. He's relaxed. He's not afraid. BOOTH: So then, why was the boy stalling, huh? BRENNAN: He's not the father is. The son understands that on some level, and he's enabling his father to reach some level of comfort. It's a symbiotic relationship. BOOTH: Relationship [laughs] That's psychology. BRENNAN: The boy trusts his father absolutely. He's confident. The Father wishes he didn't have to do this, but he's accepted that he must in his role as a Father. What? BOOTH: Probably the same way Decker felt about being a whistle-blower. BRENNAN: That's psychology. And it's of no use to us in this current investigation. BOOTH: Just push play, okay? [Brennan unpauses video.] DECKER: All right, ready? DONOVAN: I'm okay. POLINA: Be careful, Donny. DECKER: Don't make him nervous, Polina. DONOVAN: Push me Dad. Let go. Let go! DECKER: Not yet. DONOVAN: Let me go, Dad. Let me go. POLINA: not yet. Run along with him, Carl. DONOVAN: I can do it! DECKER: [laughing] he's doing it! He's doing it! POLINA: Be careful. Be careful. How will we get him back, Carl? [Video stops.] BOOTH: That's the real question. Now, isn't it, Bones, huh? How do we get the boy back. [Cut to a woman with Russian accent speaking to Booth, this is the victim's sister, Maria Semov.] MARIA: They left this morning, very early, about 5:00 am. [We see now that she is upset, crying.] Donovan is on the swim team. Oh my God. BOOTH: You and your sister were close? MARIA: Yes. When Polina and Carl separated she and Donovan came to stay with me. [Sobs] This is terrible. BOOTH: Can you think of anyone who would want to hurt your sister? MARIA: It must be Carl. Maybe he was afraid she would take Donovan from him. BOOTH: Would she have done that? MARIA: No. Never. BOOTH: You don't like your brother in law. MARIA: He is suppose to be brilliant, I know. But he is cold and angry. Everything has to be just so. BOOTH: Why did Carl and your sister separate? MARIA: Polina said he was having an affair. I thought, "Who'd want him?" But she found credit card receipts from a Motel he went to one, twice a week. When she confronted Carl he was furious. Wouldn't talk about it, so she left him. [Taking a hold of Booth's hands.] Please find Donovan. Find my sister's boy. [Cut to lab where Zach is showing Brennan something on a computer screen.] ZACK: I found cuts in the victim's upper Incisors. There are also bilateral fractures in the femoral necks. BRENNAN: There's similar fractures in the bilateral humeral heads. ZACK: The result of the body going into spasm as it burned? BRENNAN: If she was burned alive. I'll have Angela run some scenarios. ZACK: Angela's in her security review. [Cut to Pickering interviewing Angela.] PICKERING: Twenty-five address in six countries in eight years. ANGELA: That's weird right? PICKERING: What where you doing in all those places? ANGELA: Different things. Mostly looking. I'm an artist. PICKERING Pickering: When was the last time you saw your husband? ANGELA: My husband? PICKERING: Yes. ANGELA: Oh. [laughs] Oh. Wow. You mean that actually took? Really? It didn't seem legal. We were in figi. You know there was a fire dance. You know how those things can go, right? PICKERING: I really don't , Miss. Montenegro. ANGELA: Right. PICKERING : Do you like working here. ANGELA: Sometimes. Yeah But not always, but there's also a sense of accomplishment. And Brennan needs me here, so I feel a personal connection there. But you know, the world is a big place. Frankly, I'm emotionally ambivalent on the subject. [Noticing Pickering jotting down notes on everything Angela is saying.] Was that the wrong answer? I should be more, "Oh this is the best job in the world and I'm proud to serve my country." Right? Right? Am I going to fast here? [Pickering shakes her head as she continues to write] Am I treating you too much like a therapist? Should we stop now? Actually . . . because we could pick this up later if you . . . Yeah. [Cut to Booth at K.B.C. Systems interviewing CEO, Trent Seward, and the company Attorney, Sharon Pomeroy.] SEWARD: Carl Decker is not only a disgruntled employee he's a . . . a . . . what's the term? [Looking to his attorney.] POMEROY: As a lawyer the legal term is "nuts" and a "pain in the ass." SEWARD: Oppositional defiance disorder and paranoia is what I read. POMEROY: Like I said nuts and a pain in the ass. BOOTH: Read where? Paranoia. You read that where? [Sharon slides him a folder that Booth opens.] You had Carl Decker investigated? POMEROY: He's making extremely damaging allegations against the company. SEWARD: False allegations. BOOTH: Think of anyone who would want to kill his wife and kidnap his son? POMEROY: It wasn't us? BOOTH: I didn't say it was. POMEROY: Oh please, we have to top your list of suspects. SEWARD: Look. We have an in-house system for dealing with whistle blowers. We encourage it. I served in Vietnam Agent Booth. I saw what solders see. If I read you correctly, you know what I mean. BOOTH: Army, 75th Regiment. SEWARD: "Rangers Lead The Way." [Leaning forward.] I would never risk the lives of solders by knowingly providing them with defective armor. And I welcome Carl Deckers appearance at the grand jury because he is wrong. POMEROY: Carl Decker did brilliant work for us. But he alienated everyone he worked with. You should look for your murder and kidnapper elsewhere. [Cut to Jeffersonian. Brennan coming up on booth obviously irritated] BRENNAN: Where have you been? BOOTH: I'm a field agent. I was out in the field. What did you find? BRENNAN: A piece of an ear in the victim's mouth. Looks like she bite it off, could tell us something? What did you find? [Extreme attitude, walks off, he follows.] Found anything? BOOTH: A lot. No reason for the attitude. BRENNAN: I peg your pardon? [Turns back to Booth.] BOOTH: It's not like you've been doing all the work and I've just been kicking back. [Walking off irritated now, she follows.] BRENNAN: Okay. Well what have you found out. BOOTH: The victim and her husband were having marital problems. She found motel receipts. I got security tapes from the parking lot. I thought Angela could use her Fat Recognition Program on them. BRENNAN: Mass Recognition Program. BOOTH: Whatever. Maybe we'll be able to figure out who Decker was seeing behind his wife's back. [Brennan turns to face him as they stop walking. Tension and irritation is very evident between the two.] Is Angela in her office? [Brennan shrugs and he walks past her heading for Angela's office. Brennan watches him walk off.] [Cut to victim's bones on the platform, with Brennan holding one of the bones. Zach is there too.] ZACK: According the F.B.I. Pathologist there was no smoke in the victim's lungs. BRENNAN: Meaning? ZACK: The victim was already dead when she was burned. There was clotting in the lungs as well. BRENNAN: That's troubling. [Looking up at Zach.] ZACK: If the fire was hot enough . . . [Trailing off unsure.] BRENNAN [Setting the bone down.]: For clotting to occur superheated air would have to be drawn into the lungs. ZACK: Which wouldn't have happened if she were already dead. BRENNAN: Something else caused the clotting. BOOTH: [coming up on the platform] Angela is ready with the tapes. ZACK: The broken teeth could have resulted from particularly violent seizures. [Booth turns back to them rather than heading back to Angela's office.] BOOTH: Epilepsy? [We see Pickering heading for the platform.] ZACK: There are alternative causes of acute muscular contractions. Poisoning, precipitous drop in blood sugar- PICKERING: [interrupting] This a good time to speak with Mr. Addy? BRENNAN: Considering you had to interrupt him to ask, probably not. [Hodgins now on the platform.] Take Hodgins [now holding another bone of the victim's]. HODGINS: I demand a lawyer. PICKERING: I don't need Dr. Hodgins I need Mr. Addy. ZACK: If I demand a lawyer will it get me out of it too? BRENNAN: We all demand a lawyer. PICKERING: I'll wait for Mr. Addy. HODGINS: Why aren't you interviewing me? PICKERING: It won't be necessary. [Turns and leaves.] HODGINS: I knew it. They think my dossier is complete. They think they know everything about me. [Turns back toward Pickering yelling] Well they're wrong! ZACK: Be happy they're leaving you alone. HODGINS: Yeah. I'm happy. Don't worry, I'm happy. [Obviously annoyed.] BOOTH: Now the ear you found. There's no way it's her own ear, right? BRENNAN: How could it be her ear? BOOTH: That's what I'm saying. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: It's definitely not her ear? BRENNAN: How could she bite of her own ear? HODGINS: Chromosome tests make it male. BRENNAN: Seizures. [Looking to Zach.] ZACK: Seizures could be due to low blood pressure, electrocution, infection, head injury, uh brain tumor, uh sudden lack of oxygen to the brain. BRENNAN: Electrocution. BOOTH: What? [He and Hodgins looking to Brennan as it comes to her.] BRENNAN: The broken teeth, the fractures, the clots in her lungs. She was electrocuted. ZACK: That much damage to the teeth could only result from multiple violent spasms. BRENNAN: Dozens. She was tortured. For what? [Asking Booth.] BOOTH: To find out where her husband was. [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to Hodgins chasing down Pickering in the Jeffersonian.] HODGINS: You should at least pretend to interview me. PICKERING: Dr. Hodgins your file is complete [Annoyed.] HODGINS: How is that possible? No one from the state has interviewed me in two years. PICKERING: No on from the state has ever interviewed you. HODGINS: Yeah. Right. Let's play it your way. PICKERING: Six months ago your cousin was appointed to a very high posting in the government. HODGINS: My cousin with the bad rug? PICKERING: That doesn't effect his security clearance. HODGINS: It should. It demonstrates a complete denial of reality. Appointed to what "very high" posting? PICKERING: That's classified. HODGINS: In what part of the government? Or is that classified too? PICKERING: As a potential embarrassment you were thoroughly check out HODGINS: What kind of embarrassment. PICKERING: You're a conspiracy buff Dr. Hodgins. Your paranoid. HODGINS: Okay. Okay. So you're telling me that my toe-chewing moron cousin was appointed to a secret post in a secret part of the government you can't tell me about so you compiled a secret dossier on me. But I'm the one who's paranoid. PICKERING: We don't use the word dossier. HODGINS: What was the finding? I still work here- PICKERING: [Interrupting] Harmless. HODGINS: Harmless? I'm harmless. PICKERING: Yes. You don't pose a viable threat. HODGINS: Well, that's insulting. PICKERING: If you want me to interview you I will. But I'll only discover what's already been found. You are benign. HODGINS: I am not benign lady. I'm not harmless. I'm malignant. I'm a loaded cannon. PICKERING: Thank you Dr. Hodgins. [Walks off.] HODGINS: I know things that would make your blood curdle. Including a formula that literally curdles blood! FEMALE LAB WORKER: Excuse me. HODGINS: She's wrong. I'm dangerous. [Cut to Angela, Booth, and Brennan looking at tapes.] ANGELA: Carl Decker is 1.7 meters tall. And weighs 58.2 kilograms. BOOTH: An ultra marathoner. ANGELA: Be glad he's so lean. Should make him easier to find. BOOTH: Not him. [Looking at a man on the screen.] ANGELA: I talked to Pickering. Brennan: Was it awful ANGELA: Actually, I found it cathartic. BOOTH: His head's down, what do you think? [Look at another man on the screen.] BRENNAN: No he doesn't move like a runner. ANGELA: She's knows a lot about us. It's creepy. BOOTH: Well it's confidential. ANGELA: Couldn't you get the file? BOOTH: Probably. BRENNAN: Then it's not confidential. BOOTH: That's him. That's Carl Decker. [Referring to Carl Decker who is now on the screen.] Fast forward. See if he shows up with anyone else. [Angela fast forwards a bit.] Back up. Freeze on that guy. Can you zoom in? ANGELA: Mm-Hmm. [She does so.] Hmm. A secret life can cause marital strife. BRENNAN: He was having an affair with a man. BOOTH: All right, simmer down. For all we know he's meeting a hit man. ANGELA: Doesn't look like a hit man. BOOTH: Print the picture. I'll see if he's in any of bureau databases. BRENNAN: When we find him? BOOTH: Haul him in and see if he's got two ears. I'll let you know what happens. [Booth exits.] [Cut to Pickering attempting to interview Zach.] PICKERING: Could we start, please? ZACK: Anytime. I can do two things at once. PICKERING: Mr. Zach Addi I require your full attention. ZACK: No you don't but I'll give it to you. [He walks over and leans onto the table.] PICKERING: I need to establish that you are not a threat to the security of this country. ZACK: I'm getting a degree in forensic anthropology another in engineering. What are you afraid of? That I'll build a race of criminal robots who'll destroy the world. PICKERING: Do you have that kind of fantasy often? ZACK: Very often. PICKERING: Does it concern you that such adolescent are a sign of emotional retardation? ZACK: I've been told. I'm working on it. PICKERING: And can you understand why that concerns us? ZACK: Not really. PICKERING: Hypothetically, you have a piece of information. ZACK: Secret and meaningful information? PICKERING: Yes. The security of the nation is at stake. Could I bribe you to give it to me? ZACK: No. PICKERING : Threaten you? ZACK: No. PICKERING: What if I made a rational argument, very persuasive? ZACK: Merely persuasive? PICKERING: Irrefutable. I make an irrefutable argument as to why you should give me this piece of information. Would you do so? ZACK: Not without checking with Dr. Brennan or Angela first. See what they'd say, maybe Agent Booth if he talked to me, he probably wouldn't. I'd check with Dr. Hodgins but he'd say it was all part of a conspiracy so I mostly only take his advice on women. [Looking away from her, realizing something.] 480 volts 350 amps. PICKERING: I beg your pardon. ZACK: It's sort of secret information. I probably shouldn't tell you. Any other questions? Good. [Zach exits.] [Cut to Cullan's office where Booth walks in to find US Attorney Ken Weeks, the man who was with Decker in the video.] BOOTH: Good work sir. I only posted his face in the hot seat twenty minutes ago. WEEKS: My boss is the United States Attorney General you're not doing my career any good by putting me on the hot list. CULLEN: Special Agent Seeley Booth meet U.S. Attorney Ken Weeks. Booth: I was hoping you would turn out to be gay or only have one ear. WEEKS: I get the gay thing a lot because I'm so cute, but the on eared thing that's unique to you. BOOTH: Your Carl Decker's Justice Department handler. WEEKS: Carl Decker was my prime witness against K.B.C. Systems. BOOTH: Was? You get fired because we caught you on some motel surveillance camera? CULLEN: No, they lost him. Booth: A material witness for a specially-convened grand jury and you lost him? WEEKS: The guys pretty smart . . . genius level. Do you have any idea what it's like intervene with those type of people? BOOTH: Yeah a little. CULLEN: So, what made him run? WEEKS: Decker insisted upon talking to his son everyday. This morning we couldn't put him in touch with his son. He panicked and ran. The marshals will find him. BOOTH: It doesn't matter. He won't testify after he finds out what happened to his wife and his child. CULLEN: You might as well pack up that grand jury and sent every body home. WEEKS: I get the chance I'll give him the "don't let your wife die in vain" speech. [Gets up to leave.] Who knows it might work. BOOTH: Weeks, you think this company is capable of putting a hit out on Decker? CULLEN: Kill his wife, kidnap his kid? WEEKS: K.B.C. Systems sent our boys into battle with faulty armor. In my book, if you can do that you can do anything. [Ken exits.] [Cut to lab Booth trailing behind Brennan catching her up.] BRENNAN: If Decker's as smart as they say, how will they catch him? BOOTH: Forget Decker, our job is to find his son. BRENNAN: If Decker doesn't show up to testify- BOOTH: [Interrupting] No. We can't assume they are going to let the boy live. BRENNAN: Surely K.B.C. isn't going to- BOOTH: Bones we don't know who hired these guys. K.B.C. Military, disgruntled shareholders, or it could be someone we haven't even thought of yet- [He noticed Brennan with a large smile on her face staring at him.] What? BRENNAN: You just told me not to jump to a conclusion. [She playfully points at him.] BOOTH: No offense intended. BRENNAN: You were right. I usually get to tell you that. BOOTH: Well our relationship has taken a whole new turn. ZACK: [entering Brennan's office after them] 480 volts 350 amps. BRENNAN: Polina Decker? ZACK: That's the voltage it would take to cause muscle spasms so strong they would fracture the bone. BRENNAN: That's not household current. BOOTH: They used a generator. BRENNAN: Zach, you are smart. BOOTH: Zach, this guy Decker, he's like you. He's in the whole stratosphere, IQ wise. ZACK: What's his IQ? [Intrigued] BOOTH: It's 163. BRENNAN: [Chuckles] He's not where Zach is. ZACK: If he's in the stratosphere then I'm in the ionosphere. BOOTH: The point is, Decker escapes the U.S. Marshals, tries to contact his wife, finds out that she's been killed. What does he do next? ZACK: His IQ is not variable. BRENNAN: Intelligence doesn't determine what you do so much as how effectively you do it. ZACK: It depends on what kind of person he is. BOOTH: Well you know he's a loving father, you know. Estranged from the mother of his child. ZACH [Walks directly up to Booth, in his face.]: Sound like anyone you know. BOOTH: Just back out of my personal space there buddy. BRENNAN: Zach's right. If you were in Decker's position what would you do? [Cut to Booth and Brennan in car, sirens wailing.] BOOTH: BUGAR-4, accessory proceeding to 4413 L Street, KBC Systems. Requesting local cowboys for backup, possible 10-31 Roger that BUGAR-4 BRENNAN: Did you just refer to me as an accessory? BOOTH: You asked me what I would do if I were Decker. They kill my wife, they take my little boy. I'm going to the source of the problem. I take him out. BRENNAN: Take him out . . . like [Booth gives her a serious look, answering her question.] Oh. [Cut to Booth and Brennan walking into the K.B.C. building. Booth shows his badge to the front security officer.] BOOTH: FBI, Seward in his office? OFFICER: Yes, sir. BOOTH: Secure the building, no one in or out. Usually, I enjoy your company, Bones. It's times like these that you give me a little something else to worry about. BRENNAN: You enjoy my company? [They come up on the K.B.C. Attorney with a bloody nose lying on the floor. Booth pulls his gun while Brennan checks for a pulse. The woman moans, Brennan nods to Booth letting him know she is alive. Booth head for Seward office, Brennan follows.] [Cut to Booth entering Seward's Office] DECKER: Make the call! BOOTH [Putting his gun on Decker.]: F.B.I. Mr. Decker. Drop your weapon now. DECKER [Speaking to Seward with a gun to Seward's head.]: Nothings changed make the call our I'll blow your head off. [Enters Brennan.] SEWARD: [Clearly scared.] He wants me to call his son's kidnappers. DECKER: Tell them to release my boy or you die. It's that simple. [Looking to Booth] You can shoot me after that I don't care. SEWARD: I don't- BRENNAN: [Interrupting] Mr. Decker, Agent Booth is an excellent shot. DECKER: I'm not afraid to die. SEWARD: Shoot him! For God's sakes, shoot him! BOOTH: Mr. Seward, please shut up. BRENNAN: What your trying to do, save your son, that's not going to happen if you die here tonight. Be rational Mr. Decker. What your planning has failed. You have to adapt. DECKER: Adapt how? All I want is for my son to live. You people just took away his best chance. [He puts the gun down on the desk.] [Cut to Goodman's Office where he is being interviewed by Pickering.] PICKERING: Do you know a woman named Lily Mardsen? GOODMAN: Yes, I do. PICKERING: You had sexual relations with her? GOODMAN: This falls under purview? PICKERING: Lily Mardsen is an environmental extremist. GOODMAN: She's in Earth Now. PICKERING: You give money to Earth Now, don't you? GOODMAN: Yeah, and the Sierra Club, Habitat for Humanity, the Opera, and Public Radio. PICKERING: Lily Mardsen has been arrested for breaking into animal labs, torching S.U.V.s, trespassing on Military Reserves, dousing citizens wearing fur with red paint- [ Goodman starts laughing] Dr. Goodman if you have had or are having sexual relations with Lily Mardsen, we have a problem. GOODMAN: Why? PICKERING: Because an illicit relationship gives her leverage over you, this makes you a security risk. GOODMAN: I'm a married man Mrs. Pickering. I am faithful to my wife. PICKERING: Define your relationship with Lily Mardsen. GOODMAN: I enjoy talking to her. We argue. She's nuts. But she's a smart nut. She's always interesting . . . never dull. PICKERING: So you- GOODMAN: Talk to her. [Pickering looks confused. Goodman become irritated.] I think it's a very bad sign when discourse become suspect. PICKERING: You talk to her. GOODMAN: Sometimes we yell. [Cut to an office where Booth, Brennan, Decker, Cullen, and US Attorney Weeks is.] CULLEN: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't charge you with attempted murder, Mr. Decker. DECKER: You think I went after Seward out of vengeance? CULLEN: Looks that way. DECKER: K.B.C. Systems hired people to kill my wife and kidnap my child. Think rationally for a moment. BRENNAN: That makes sense. If K.B.C. are behind the kidnapping then Seward would be the one to call it off. DECKER: A rational human being. How'd you find yourself amongst these people. BOOTH: Sir, we're trying to help. DECKER: Excellent, hold a gun to Trent Seward's head and force him to let my son go. CULLEN: There's no compelling evidence that Seward was the man who ordered the kidnapping of your son. DECKER: I personally calculated the penetration tolerances for the combat flak jackets. The company found my calculations to be excessively conservative. Thirty solders died. Trent Seward will do anything to keep me from testifying. He, or someone working for him, kidnapped my child and killed my wife. WEEKS: If you want Seward, then go to the grand jury and tell them what you know. DECKER: And the kidnappers will kill my boy. CULLEN: In all respect for what your going through emotionally, Mr. Weeks is not wrong. DECKER: This is my son! I love him! If there's a slight chance that I can save him by shutting up, then that's what I'll do. Shut the hell up! WEEKS: And what about the solders? DECKER: Analytically I understand that many lives out way the one. But I cannot trade my son's life. WEEKS: Have you considered that by not testifying, your wife will have died in vain. CULLEN: Shut up Weeks, if your people would have protection Mr. Decker and his family properly we wouldn't even be here. WEEKS: [Scoffs] Let's go. DECKER: [Speaking to Booth] The only way that I will testify is if I see you with my son. BOOTH: Mr Decker, you and Donovan, you have a code word? Something to let him know that you sent me? DECKER: Paladin. Tell Donovan, "Paladin." CULLEN: [Standing to leave.] Paladin. Defender of the faith, protector. Suits you Booth. BRENNAN: You know what? You tough guys are all very sentimental. [Cut to Hodgins in the lab looking over data on his computer.] HODGINS: I have results on the earwax. I ran the particulates through the gas chromatograph. I found the pollen of eragrostis curvula, more commonly known as "weeping love grass." BRENNAN: And where does one find weeping love? HODGINS: Weeping love is found worldwide. But weeping love grass, that's in South. [Smiling at his own joke, Brennan not amused.] BRENNAN : Anything else? HODGINS: Yeah, traces of automotive-grade asbestos. The guy didn't have very good oral hygiene. [Pickering walks up] PICKERING: Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: What? Now? You've got to be kidding. HODGINS: Take me. I'll wave the lawyer. [Brennan's phone beeps.] I have surprises in me. [Pickering ignores Hodgins as she walks off, he yells after her.] Tell that to your superiors at the N.S.A. [On the phone with Brennan is Booth, he's at his office. Camera cuts back and forth between Booth and Brennan as they speak.] BRENNAN: Booth we're looking for a one-eared South African. BOOTH: South African? BRENNAN: Does that mean something? BOOTH: Well yeah there are a number of South African security consultants that companies use to do their dirty work in the third world. [Booth receives a package.] Their really mercenaries. BRENNAN: He might be a mechanic of some kind. BOOTH: You can tell that? BRENNAN: He had traces of what is probably brake pad in his ear. BOOTH: How'd that get in there [Pulling out whatever is in the package he pulls out a small brown jewelry box with a piece of card board that says "BACK OFF"]. BRENNAN: Well, any number of ways. Most likely, his hand comes in contact with the asbestos and this he scratches his ear. [Booth opens box to find a child's finger on gauze with blood.] BRENNAN: Hello? Are you still there? BOOTH: Yeah. I'm on my way over. BRENNAN: What's the matter? BOOTH: Somebody sent me Donovan Decker's finger. [Booth hangs up.] [Cut to Booth and Brennan at lab, Brenna is examining the child's finger.] BRENNAN: An eight-year-old boy. Yes, that's consistent with what I'm looking at. You should really send this to an F.B.I. pathologist. BOOTH: They give me fingerprints, DNA, we already know who the finger belongs to. I-I need more. BRENNAN: Like what? BOOTH: What-you gave me a South African mechanic from a chunk of burnt ear. Do it again. Do it better. Do it fast. [Brennan turns staring at him.] What? Start. Come on, do what you do. BRENNAN: You're kind of worked up. BOOTH: What you see is a bunch of facts. I see a terrified little boy with his finger cut off. Now is he even still alive? BRENNAN: [Turns back to finger] Blood saturation levels in the surrounding tissues are high. His heart was still beating when they removed the finger. BOOTH: Okay. He's alive. That's something. BRENNAN: Who does this? Cut's the finger off an eight-year-old boy. BOOTH: Mercenaries. Professionals. They don't feel a thing. BRENNAN: I feel things Booth. [Turning to look at him.] BOOTH: I never said you didn't Bones. BRENNAN: I'm a professional, too. I do better work if I only see the finger and not the child. It doesn't mean I'm like them. BOOTH: Look, I know that Bones. But what I also know is that they made a big mistake sending us that finger. BRENNAN: Why? Because it made you mad? BOOTH: No. Because your going to use it to catch them. So, you gather up your squint squad. Let's get to work. [Cut to Booth, still at lab, on phone with son Parker.] BOOTH: Did you kick the ball? How far did it go? Backwards? [Chuckles] Yeah I can kick a ball. Daddy's gonna show you on Saturday. I'm gonna see you Saturday, okay Parker? Okay, I gotta go bub. I love you. I'll see you Saturday, bye. [Rushing to Hodgins and Zach] What do you got? ZACK: The finger was severed using a hatchet on a wooden service. BOOTH: Cutting board? ZACK: No, older unsealed-pine. HODGINS: I'm thinking like work-bench in a mechanics shop. BOOTH: Why? HODGINS: Well, there's traces of lead and methyl tertiary butyl ether on the bone. The nail was bitten to the quick, by the way. BOOTH: The kid was nervous, you would be too. ZACK: M.T.E.B.'s have been added to gasoline since the 70's. HODGINS: But there's lead here as well. ZACK: lead gasoline was phased out between 1975 and Phased out between 1986 BOOTH: Asbestos from brake pads, leaded gasoline, mechanics bench. You know, plus the mother was electrocuted by current from a generator. We're looking for an abandoned gas station or mechanic shop. You know you guys are geniuses. [Getting on his phone he walks off.] ZACK: How do we find that? BOOTH: I work for the F.B.I., idiot. HODGINS: Way to go Zach. We went form genius to idiot in 3 seconds. [Cut to Pickering interviewing Brennan in her office.] PICKERING: Can you tell me what you were doing in Cuba BRENNAN: Only if you tell me first. PICKERING: I beg your pardon? BRENNAN: I don't know your security clearance. PICKERING: Well, what is your security clearance? BRENNAN: You should check with the state department. PICKERING: I'm from the state department. BRENNAN: Then that should make it easy for you. PICKERING: [Taken back some] When you were in Cuba, did you meet with a man named, Juan Guzman? [Brennan is shocked as if she cannot believe anyone knows about this subject. She holds a finger up to Pickering motioning her to hold on. She dials a memorized number to an unkown person.] Hello. It's Dr. Brennan from the Jeffersonian. You told me to call you if anyone asked about . . . you know, him. Someone from the state department named Samantha Pickering. [Brennan hands the phone over to an irritated Pickering, who takes the phone with attitude.] PICKERING: [Into the phone.] Pickering. [Attitude changes and she becomes slightly nervous. She seems to realize who is on the phone, obviously a superior of some kind.] Yes sir. Yes. I'll wait . . . I'll wait here. [Hands the phone back to Brennan.] BRENNAN: Anymore questions? PICKERING: No. Uh, no. In fact the entire review has been suspended. I'm to wait here for someone to come and destroy my notes. [Enters Booth.] BOOTH: We might have the kid. [Brennan jumps up to follow him.] [Cut to Booth and Brennan in his car, night time.] BOOTH: Polina didn't make any calls from her cell phone after she was kidnapped. But nobody turned if off. When she left the coverage area, the cell phone was automatically assigned a new routing tower. BRENNAN: You can triangulate her position? BOOTH: Yeah to within 75 square miles. There was six abandoned gas stations in that area. There were five urban one rural. S.W.AT.'s team gonna check them all out but I think it's the rural one. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Because I use to do this kind of work. BRENNAN: What, rescuing people? BOOTH: Or being the person they needed to be rescued from. BRENNAN: Oh. BOOTH: If I had choice, I'd pick the isolated rural one. The place I perfect. It's an abandoned truck repair depot. S.W.A.T. team will meet us there. BRENNAN: Why don't we ever take my car? BOOTH: Do you have bullet-proof vests in the trunk? BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: That's why. [Cut to the abandoned truck repair depot.] S.W.A.T. TEAM MEMBER: [Handing a gun to Booth] The F.L.I.R. Imagery gives us three adults within this structure. BOOTH: Boy? S.W.A.T. TEAM MEMBER: No reading? BOOTH: Probably because he's small. Hypothermic. S.W.A.T. TEAM MEMBER: Entirely possible, sir. What's the play? BOOTH: I go in first, straight for the kid. You guys do what you do. S.W.A.T. TEAM MEMBER: Alright. BRENNAN: What about me? BOOTH: Wait outside. BRENNAN: But I don't wanna miss anything. BOOTH: Bones these guys aren't like anyone you've every come up against. Please, just be someone you aren't for the next ten minutes and hang back. Please. [She nods. Booth and S.W.A.T. Team start for the building. Booth motions with his hands, giving directions. They raid the building. Shot fired. Booth finds the kid and rushes to him. S.W.A.T. Team is yelling out, watching each other completely taking out the mercenaries. We see Donovan crying and covering his face. Booth approaches but he backs away frightened.] BOOTH: Donovan, don't look at him anymore. Okay? It's okay. DONOVAN: N-no! [He starts swatting at Booth.] BOOTH: Don't look at him anymore. Don't do that. DONOVAN: Just get away! BOOTH: He's not gonna hurt you anymore. DONOVAN: No go away! BOOTH: Okay. Donovan paladin. Okay? [Child begins to calm down but still unsure.] Paladin, paladin, okay, paladin. Come one. [He reaches for the child again, Donovan goes with him.] Come on. [Booth exists with child in hand and Brennan runs up.] Alright. Okay. You good? You all right? [Cut to ambulance, sirens wailing, child is on stretcher with hand properly bandaged. Booth and Brennan are beside him. A car pulls out, Donovan's dad steps out. Crying but happy.] DONOVAN: Is my dad crying? BOOTH: I think your dad's crying because he's happy. He's happy he got you back. BOOTH: [Donovan's dad makes his way over to him. Weeks and Booth come face to face.] WEEKS: Well done. BOOTH: Yeah, I hope your really good at your job, Weeks. WEEKS : Why is that? BOOTH: Because, otherwise you've got nothing going for you. [Booth walks off as Brennan approaches, speaking to Weeks.] BRENNAN: He's a Father himself. WEEKS: Thank God I always had the sense not to let that happen to me. [Brennan looks at him a moment, seeing just how cold Weeks is and walks off catching up with Booth.] BRENNAN: You think K.B.C. hired the mercenaries? BOOTH: We'll let the grand jury figure that out. We did our job. [They start to walk off, leaving.] BRENNAN: It's not often I get to help save someone before they die. [Looking satisfied.] BOOTH: Bones, every time you catch a murdered, you save his next victim. BRENNAN: This is different. BOOTH: Yeah. Still glad you don't have any kids? BRENNAN: [Stopping to face him.] Yeah. Why? BOOTH: Looking at that boy and his dad. I just thought you'd change you mind. BRENNAN: No. Still glad you do have a kid? BOOTH: Gladder today than yesterday. [Smiling.] BRENNAN: Doesn't make any sense. BOOTH: Yeah, it's complicated. [Leaving the scene.]

When a woman's burned body is found in a car with signs that her child was kidnapped, Brennan and Booth suspect the father, Carl Decker. But things get complicated when Decker turns out to be in the witness protection program. In two days he is scheduled to testify before a grand jury that his company has been sending defective body armor to Iraq. Decker suspects his former bosses may have had his wife killed and kidnapped his son in order to keep him quiet. When a shocking clue is sent to Booth as a warning, Brennan is able to use the clue to pinpoint the kidnapper's location and must race to save the boy's life.

fd_The_Office_07x01

fd_The_Office_07x01_0

[Elevator opens on Andy, who starts lip dub to the Isley Brothers' 'Nobody But Me', joined by the rest of the Office] Stanley: [to Toby, who's filming] You fallin' behind. Ryan: [jumps in front of camera] Wuphf.com! Kelly: Ryan, we're doing the dance! Ryan: This is how you build a business. This is how you make it in this country. Creed: [Bluetooth rings] You got Creed. Ryan: -and you jump in front of them. Kelly: You make it so hard to love you sometimes. Stanley: Still behind. Angela: [closing door] I said I didn't want to be on the internet! Andy: Go, go, go, go! Michael: [performs magic-tricks while lip-syncing] All: Streamers! [everyone throws streamers in the air and starts dancing] Dwight: Hiya! Ha! [climbs on Phyllis' desk and starts kicking things off, bites off the head of a stuffed animal] Phyllis: Dwight! [Dwight pulls out a hunting knife and jumps off desk] Stanley: Are you crazy? Andy: [song ends] Toby, how did we do? Toby: Well, that was better. Andy: Whoo! We did it! [everyone starts cheering] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw 'Inception.' Or at least I dreamt I did. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Brocolli Rob, obviously, will be there. Erin: Yes, of course. Andy: And JC. We call him Blorville, because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher. Erin: Who's the guy who invented the peanut? Gabe: Hey, guys. Andy: Hey! Gabe: Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. Andy: Not at all. Gabe: I'm gonna head back to Siberia there. Ciao. [he and Erin kiss] [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: I started dating Erin this summer. It has been, in a word, exquisite. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise. Thank God he's my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didn't have to, but... it's been great. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I've been through anger-management, OK? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [goes to change thermostat as Dwight puts a locked cover over it] Hey. What are you doing? Dwight: From now on, if you're hot, sit on an ice pack. Kevin: Well, what if you're cold? Dwight: Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin. Stop asking me hypothetical questions, OK? I'm too busy. Jim: Hey, Dwight, I don't know if you heard, but we're supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks instead of cups, like regular people. Oh, you did hear. Dwight: [drinking from Camelback] Jim, you have one job to do. And you do it forgettably. Those of us who are busy require hands-free hydration. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Dwight Schrute, star salesman, beet farmer, bed-and-breakfast proprietor, aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list owner of this building. Then burn the list. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: This summer, I did the minority executive training program at Yale. You guys, I'm, like, really smart now. You don't even know. You could ask me, "Kelly, what's the biggest company in the world?" And I'd be like, "blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah," giving you the exact right answer. [SCENE_BREAK] Luke: Coffee Monkey's arrived. Oscar: The coffee's supposed to be here at 9. Luke: Here you go, Big O. Tiny. [hands Kevin his coffee] Darryl Hannah. Darryl: It says decaf. You get me decaf? Luke: Ooh, yeah. Must've been some sort of mix-up there. You could just drink it, or I could drive all the way back? [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: My summer, I, um, blew out my knee playing softball. Ended up watching CNN most of the time. I don't know how we're going to get out of Afghanistan. I hate the new assistant. He's only been here for a week, and I hate him. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. I'm the Nard-Dog, okay? Nard-man is my father. [SCENE_BREAK] Luke: My name is Luke Cooper. I love cinema. My favorite movies are Citizen Kane and The Boondock Saints. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael. Michael: He's not the worst, okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy-remember? Eeeh! That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. [starts drinking coffee] Ah! It's not cappuccino. Oscar: He messed yours up to. Darryl: He's got to go, Mike. Michael: It's just coffee, guys! But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Wow, that's a lot of keys. Dwight: The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man. Jim: That's right. The janitor said that. By the way, the raccoons are back. Dwight: Where? Jim: I think they run through these panels and then down under the map. I wouldn't know for sure cause I don't have a trained ear. That's why I have to use one of these. [pulls out stethoscope] Dwight: Give me that. Jim: Yep. Wait, and this. [hands Dwight a hammer] Dwight: Yes. Jim: Go get 'em. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building, so actually, this has been the busiest summer of my life. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [Jim quietly takes Dwight's keychain and starts adding keys to it, Pam giggles] Hey, what's so funny over here? Ha. Very nice. Give me my keys. [removes keys and throws them at Jim] Ha. Ha. Not. Funny. Jim. Pam: Sorry. Jim: Oh, no. Don't worry about it. I was just gonna put a couple keys on it every day until Christmas. Then his pants would have fallen down, which was a little gift to me, but... Pam: It was really funny. Jim: Well, it would have been. So unprofessional, Mrs. Halpert. Pam: I love you. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Luke? Luke! Luke: What's up, Venus? Phyllis: Did you send those samples to Justin at Lehigh Motors yesterday? Because he didn't get 'em. Luke: Uh, if you asked me to do it, I'm sure I did it. Yeah, strawberries are ripe. Meredith: Hey, turn off the Chumbawamba and scram, twerp. Luke: You don't have to yell. Michael: Okay, rude. Luke, I want you to go to the supermarket for me. Luke: What for? Michael: To get some ice cream for everybody. It's national ice cream afternoon. Great. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And another thing I did this summer, I hired my nephew. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother, who also happens to be my half-sister, kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years a- 14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of 'Ace Ventura II' and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Don't bother Luke. Pam: Why is there a circle with a line through it? Michael: That means don't. Haven't you seen Ghostbusters, Pam? Phyllis: Yeah, but it's like you're saying we should bother Luke. Michael: No, it... Yes, okay, right. [erases don't] All right, yep. My bad. I got it. Here we go. [writes "Don't" in front of symbol] Darryl: Don't don't bother Luke. Got it. Michael: Come on. Okay, um... [draws a circle around "Don't" with a line through it] That's as clear as I can make it. Phyllis: Hey, why can't we bother Luke? He deserves it. Michael: Because I don't want it getting back to Sabre that we're yelling at assistants. I think it would reflect poorly on us. Dwight: Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe? Gabe: That'd be hilarious. Uh, "Jo, they're creating a hostile work environment. Stop 'em." Michael: Nope, it won't be Gabe but actually, there is somebody in the office that is very, very close to Luke. Dwight: How close? Michael: Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt. Is that close enough for you? Dwight: Yes. Of course. Toby: Guys, I think Michael and Luke are related. Michael: No. No, Toby. He's not. Yes he is. He's my nephew. All: What? Michael: Luke is my nephew. Oscar: Michael, that's nepotism. Luke is getting special treatment because he's your nephew. Michael: Yes, exactly. That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar. Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing. Darryl: What's wrong with a level playing field? Michael: Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn't even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe. Jim: Oh, man, so many points being made. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: I couldn't care less about nepotism. But, I'm loving the debate. Great minds battling it out. And I've got a front row seat. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: God, when he needed help on Earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son. Erin: That's a really tight argument. Michael: Thank you. Jim: But you're comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus. Michael: No! No. I'm just saying, why does God get to do something that I don't? Oscar: This is hypothetical. We're talking about Luke who happens to be terrible. Michael: Well, then, why aren't you bugging me to fire everybody who's bad? You just want me to fire Luke. That's reverse nepotism. He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does! Kelly: I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So, thank you. Oscar: If there's nothing wrong with this, Michael, why have you been keeping it a secret? Michael: Because I wanted you to come to me and say, "Wow, he is so great." And I was gonna say, "Well, it's in the genes." And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans. And I'd point to them, right? No. But you ruined it. So, thank you very much. Here he comes. Guys, look. I don't want you to treat him like anyone else in the office. I just want you to treat him like my nephew. Hey, there he is. Erin: Hey! Ice cream afternoon! Michael: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Kevin: Wait, soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream? Pam: Or enough for everyone? Luke: No, man. There was no list. Uh, but I got bagel chips. Oscar: Ah, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips. Andy: Clutch cream run, bro. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Get whatever you want, on me. Jim: You really think you can make it up to me with food? Pam: I don't know. That usually works. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I feel horrible for blowing Jim's prank. I don't know if you can tell, but he's mildly upset. And Dwight hasn't been messed with in a while, so he's become a monster. I need to make this right. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I came down here to feed the feral cats like I usually do and I found something unsavory in the back of your nephew's car. Michael: Ok, you know what? Just -just back off! Back off! Phyllis: Well, take a look. It's all the packages he was supposed to overnight. He never bothered to send them. Michael: All right, those might be his. He might own an Ebay store. Jim: Yep. That's exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like, "I don't own an Ebay store," so... Michael: Ok, ok. You know what? This is disgusting. This is like a witch hunt. This is like the Blair Witch Hunt project. Oscar: Oh sure, those are the expense reports that corporate was waiting for yesterday. Stanley: Let's just make this kid open this damn car. Erin: Oh my gosh, those are the pants he wanted to return to Talbots. Michael: I'm reconsidering sending them back anyway. Andy: You get that kid to open this car, or I'm gonna do it myself... by calling Tripple A. Michael: Wait a minute. Meredith: [breaks into the car] I'm in. Michael: Don't-all right. Well, ok, you've just committed a felony. Oscar: Yep, here they are. Phyllis: Yep, I just lost a client cause I swore I sent these samples on time. Andy: This kid's costing us sales, Michael. Erin: I'm sorry, do you want to try them on again to see. Michael: No, I know they fit. It's not about the fit. [SCENE_BREAK] Jo: Why is this my problem, Michael? Michael: Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you. Gabe: Those overnight packages needed to go out, and Michael refuses to hold the guilty party accountable. Jo: Lower yourself, Gabe. I don't wanna be having a conversation with your crotch. Ok, educate me now why you won't fire the boy. Michael: You don't have all the facts. Jo: Which are? Michael: I love him. Jo: Oh, God. How far has it gone? Michael: No. No. He's my nephew. Jo: Well, I got a nephew too. But he don't work for me. You know why? Cause he's a screw-up. He can swim in my pool but he can't come in my house. Michael: Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool. Jo: If you keep him, Michael, I'm gonna hold you accountable for him. You're on the hook for this kid. You got that? Cover his ass like tighty-whities. Michael: I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump. Jo: Was how I put it not clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying? Deal with it, boys. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he'll slow down, and I'll push him again. That's the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It's all about give and take, but mostly it's about pushing each other. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Oh, yeah. This'll be easy. So just, like, rearrange the buttons and stuff. Pam: Yeah, yeah. Like when he presses "Doors closed" the doors open. Or he presses "lobby" it goes to third floor, stuff like that. Can you do that? Kevin: Yeah. Let me take a look at the circus board. Pam: Dwight is about to get so Pammed. Dwight: Hey, did you SMS text message me? Pam: Yeah, I wanted to show you something in the lobby. Come on. Dwight: [as elevator doors won't shut] Okay, that's weird. Just hitting "door closed." What? Pam: There we go. Dwight: Is this elevator going up? Hey, the elevator is disobeying us! [elevator stops between floors] Okay, okay. We are stuck. We are stuck. Hank, Hank! Can you hear us? Oh, my God. Okay. Emergency protocol. Pam: Let's just calm down. Dwight: Pam, try and pry open those front doors, immediately. Pam: I don't- Dwight: Use your talons! Pry 'em open! [starts to urinate in elevator corner] Pam: Ok, Dwi-Oh, my God! Dwight: Well, don't look, freak! Pam: Dwight, what are you doing!? We've only been in here for, like, two seconds! Dwight: I've got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner! Pam: You've gotta be kidding me. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Luke is going to use his laser pointer to point to account setup. You click on that first, then a whole new-Not, no, no, no! [Luke points laser at Oscar's forehead] Luke, come on. Come on. Not on Oscar's head. Alright. Luke, come on. Stop it! Luke: What? I'm stopping it. That's what you said. Michael: Give me the pointer. Luke: So you just want me to move it? You're being totally unclear here. I'm just gonna go ahead and move it. [points it at Angela's chest] Michael: No, just power it down. No, no, no, no, no. Not on Angela's boob. Come on. Come on. Luke, seriously. Luke: All right, fine. Fine. I'll just go. Michael: Okay. Luke: I'm gone. Michael: All right. Okay. Good job. Okay, email accounts. So we're starting with account setup- Andy: Oh, my God, is it in my eyeball? I think he's burning my eye. Angela: Michael, do something. Meredith: Sack up, man. Michael: Okay, can I have that? Luke: No. Michael: Ok, I am going to count down from five. Both: Five, four... Michael: I'm not kidding. Both: Three, two, one. Michael: Give-okay. Alright, give it up. Luke: No! Michael: [bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke! Luke: What the? Michael: That's what you're going to do, Luke! Luke: What the hell was that? Michael: I had to do that. Luke: Hey, [bleep] this! Screw it! Michael: All right. Are we good? [Luke runs out crying] You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment. Kevin: That was awesome! Stanley: Texas justice. Kelly: Yeah, your nephew is so lame. Creed: He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean. Jim: You follow him on Twitter? [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: Everywhere I look it's Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally a kid that's not talking about Betty White. Of course I follow him. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Michael, you just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private? Michael: Yes, of course. What is this in reference to? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Pam? Pam: Oh, hey Jim. Some prankster switched the elevator buttons on Dwight. Jim: I did not do this. Pam: I know. Yeah, and it was going really great at first. I got video. Jim: This is impressive. Pam: Well, you know... they don't call me the Bart Simpson of Scranton for nothing. Jim: Do they call you that? Pam: They do call me that. Jim: Come on, give me your hand. I'll help you down. Pam: Nope. Scared of getting cut in half. Also, there's pee on the floor. Jim: Oh! Of course there is. Hey, Chinese tonight? Pam: Yeah. Jim: Great. Dwight: How ya doin'? Jim: Pretty good. You must be almost out of water. Pam: Stop drinking the water! Stop! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [Phyllis and Andy act out Luke getting spanked] No, no, no, no. It's the other hand. Right hand. Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn't. These things seldom work out. I don't know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they'd be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat's off to them. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [Dwight starts aggressively spanking Andy] Whoa! Whoa! Hey. Whoa. Dwight! Stop! [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst. You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling. Michael: That's it? Really? That's nothing. All right. That's highway robbery. Gabe: Good. Well, that's the spirit. Michael: I can do that. Gabe: And, uh, you will do your counseling right here, because our HR staff are all certified counselors. Michael: Okay. Wait, what? Toby: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to working with you, Michael. Michael: Is there another option? Gabe: The alternative is termination. [Michael stares off, considering termination...]

Michael upsets the office when he ignores their pleas to fire office assistant Luke, Michael's immature nephew. Pam's attempt to prank Dwight backfires when Kevin's faulty rewiring of an elevator strands the two together. Andy grows even more upset with Gabe and Erin's relationship. Michael spanks his nephew in front of the entire office which results in him having to take 6 counselling sessions with Toby.

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_01x06

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_01x06_0

-[Real World]- (David and Kathryn are standing outside of their house. There is a little sign that says 'The Nolans' on the lawn.) Kathryn: You know, you had the same look on your face before we bought it, too. You couldn't see past the ugly windmill on the lawn and said you'd never buy an old lady house. Do you remember what made you change your mind? David: Well, I see the windmill's gone. Kathryn: Come on. Everyone's waiting. David: Who's 'everyone'? (They walk up the walkway and enter the house.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Most of the people of Storybrooke are at David's coming home party. Kathryn introduces him to various people.) Kathryn: This is Gene. Gene: Good to see you, Dave. David: How you doing? Kathryn: And this is Ellen, his wife. David: Ellen. Hi. Ellen: Good to see you, too. Kathryn: And Frank. David: Hey. Dr. Whale: Hey. Kathryn: Dr. Whale. Dr. Whale: Hi, David. Look, I know this is a lot, but it's good for you. The smallest thing can trigger your memories. Just try and have fun. David: Thank you, Dr. Whale. I'll do my best. (Over by the stairs, Emma and Henry are talking.) Henry: You know why he doesn't remember? The curse isn't working on him yet. Emma: Henry, David has amnesia. Henry: Well, it's preventing the curse from replacing his fairy tale story with fake memories. Emma: Right. Because everyone here has fake stories that prevent them from remembering who they really are. Henry: Right. And now's our chance to help him. We just have to get him to remember that he's- Emma: He's Prince Charming. Henry: We just have to jog his memory by getting him and Miss Blanchard together. Emma: Didn't we just try that? Henry: And it woke him up. (David joins Emma and Henry.) David: Hey. You're the ones who saved me, right? Emma: Oh, yeah. I guess. David: And, uh, you're also the only ones I know here. Emma: You can hide with us. David: Fantastic. (A man serves David an appetizer. David stabs a cocktail weenie with a toothpick.) David: Oh, thank you. Henry: So, you ever use a sword? David: I'm sorry? Emma, you live with Mary Margaret, right? You know if she's coming tonight? Emma: No, she couldn't make it. David: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina and Kathryn are in the kitchen.) Regina: You should go out there. There's plenty of food. Go. Be with your husband. Kathryn: I lost him once, now I have him back. But it's like I still don't have him back. You have no idea how that feels. Regina: Actually, I do. I lost someone once, too. Kathryn: Really? Regina: Yes. But the love I lost - there's no bringing him back. You have a chance here. Go to him. Kathryn: You're right. And Regina - thank you. Thank you for being such a good friend. It's been so lonely. I'm not used to having one. Regina: Neither am I. Kathryn: Well, like it or not, you have one now. [SCENE_BREAK] (Kathryn approaches Emma, Henry and Dr. Whale.) Kathryn: Have you seen David? Emma: Um, he... Dr. Whale: No. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret is trying to hang a bird feeder in a tree. David calls to her from the sidewalk.) David: Did you not get the invite? MMB: David. (David jumps over the fence and hangs the bird feeder for her.) David: So, I heard you resigned from the hospital. Was it me? Cause of what I told you, about how I felt about you... Oh, come on - don't tell me it's one sided. MMB: You're married. It should be no side. David: Should be doesn't matter. Whoever married Kathryn, it's not me. I didn't choose her. I'm choosing you. I know you feel it - I can tell. MMB: I know you think that we have this connection, but maybe it's because I happen to be the person who saved your life? So, why don't we leave it at that. (Mary Margaret leaves.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Prince Charming and a heavily armoured man are fighting. Prince Charming ends up victorious.) Prince Charming: Next time, make sure I'm really dead. King Midas: Well done! King George: Well done? There's an understatement. See what my son did to that brute? He just killed the unkillable. King Midas: A valiant feat, for sure, but it is still just a man. Can he do the same with a dragon? King George: Do fairies sprinkle dust? Do trolls live under bridges? Prince Charming: Father, relax. I can kill whatever beast you set after me. King Midas: My kingdom is plagued by a dragon like nothing you've ever faced before. He has killed every warrior that's tried to slay him. Prince Charming: Well, he's yet to face me. King Midas: My kingdom needs this threat vanquished. King George: And my kingdom needs gold. I'm sure we can work something out. (King Midas raises his hand, which is covered in a metal glove. An assistant comes over to remove it.) King Midas: Careful - remember what happened to Frederick. (When the glove is removed, King Midas appears to have a glowing, golden hand.) King Midas: Your sword. (King Midas touches Prince Charming's sword and it turns into gold.) King Midas: Consider it a down payment. You'll get the rest when you deliver the dragon's head to me. Prince Charming: It's a deal. Forgive me if I refuse to shake on it, King Midas. Midas: Come - let's discuss the details. (King Midas and King George leave.) Guard: A toast, to our fearless prince. Prince Charming: No, there's no celebrating today. This was but a simple test. The task before us is too big, too important to make light of. Just because I was easily able to kill this brute, doesn't mean- (Prince Charming is stabbed through the chest by the man he was fighting earlier. He falls to the ground and appears to have been killed.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the castle, Prince Charming's body is laying on an altar. King George is there, along with several guards.) King George: Goodbye, my son. (Some of the guards carry the body away.) Guard: Your Majesty, there is no time to grieve. If Midas learns he is dead, he will find another warrior to slay his dragon and we will never see an ounce of his gold. King George: Yes, yes. The kingdom must survive. Guard: So what are we to do? King George: I have asked for help. It should be here soon. (Rumpelstiltskin appears behind them.) Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, it's here. King George: Leave us. Guard: Move. (The guards leave the room, and King George and Rumpelstiltskin are left alone.) Rumpelstiltskin: So this is how you treat my gifts? You really must be more careful. King George: He was not a gift. He was my son. Rumpelstiltskin: A son I gave you. King George: In a deal we made. You did me no favours. Rumpelstiltskin: Yes, yes, I did. Shame you and the queen couldn't conceive a child on your own. My price for that was a pittance. But now that she's gone, well, I assume that conceiving another heir is out of the question - let alone a dragon slayer. King George: Then let's do another deal. Bring him back. I need my son to do this. I'll give you anything. Rumpelstiltskin: Anything? King George: What do you want? Rumpelstiltskin: There's a magic wand I desire. It belongs to a certain fairy godmother, who's patron to your family. And I want to know her whereabouts. King George: Done. Now tell me - how do I bring my son back to slay the dragon? Rumpelstiltskin: Bring him back? Oh, no, that's out of the question. He's dead. Magic can do much, but not that. King George: But you just said- Rumpelstiltskin: Nothing about resurrection. King George: Then, my kingdom is lost. I'm alone. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, dear. Oh, dearie dearie dear. Did I not tell you, that I could have your son slay the dragon? And am I not a man of my word? King George: I thought you said he was gone forever? Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, that he is. But his brother... King George: His what? Rumpelstiltskin: His twin brother. Did I not mention there was another? [SCENE_BREAK] (Prince Charming's twin is shown in a field. He appears to be a shepherd.) -[Real World]- (Mary Margaret is scrubbing at a dish in her kitchen. Emma enters.) Emma: You might want to ease up, or that brillo pad's going to press charges. MMB: Dishes were just piling up... Emma: This have anything to do with David stopping by? I saw him sulking away as I pulled up. MMB: We just, uh... He just... Emma: Yeah, I know. You're both just. And you did the right thing. MMB: He made a pretty compelling case. Emma: But he's still married. I know - I was just at the party. MMB: What do I do? Emma: You need to stop cleaning. And have a drink. (Emma grabs a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. She pours them both a drink.) Emma: Here's the thing - I don't know a lot about relationships, other than having many that failed. But generally speaking, if you think something you want to do is wrong, it is. So, you got to stay strong and he has to figure out his life. Cheers. (They clink glasses.) [SCENE_BREAK] (David is in his living room. He has a box of pictures in front of him and is looking through them. Kathryn enters and sits next to David on the couch.) Kathryn: You look different. Your hair - it's longer. You used to always have a buzz cut. You used to complain that long hair was itchy and hard to take care of. David: I guess it grew while I was in there. Kathryn: So, I was going to go to bed. Do you...want to join me? David: You mean, go to bed go to bed, or 'go to bed'. Kathryn: Whatever you want. David: Why don't we just sit and talk some more? (They kiss.) David: This isn't right. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Prince Charming is rounding up goats in a field. There is a small farmhouse next to a pen.) Prince Charming: Come on, come on! Didn't see that coming, did you? (Prince Charming's mother, Ruth, arrives and calls out to him.) Ruth: Honey. Prince Charming: Mother! How was the market? Ruth: It was...interesting. Prince Charming: Interesting? Normally you come back cursing the prices. Ruth: Oh, well, that's still the case. But this time, I had a very interesting talk with the grain merchant. Prince Charming: Grain? We don't need any grain. Ruth: He has a daughter. She's ready for marriage. He thinks the two of you would make a great couple. Prince Charming: Mother... Ruth: I know, I know. I hate myself for even bringing it up. Prince Charming: Let me guess - she has a dowry that will save the farm? Ruth: We are running out of options. Prince Charming: Mother, please. As poor as we are, love is one thing I can afford. I will find a way to save this farm, but I won't do it by marrying for riches. When I marry, I want it to be because I choose to spend the rest of my life with someone I love. Ruth: When are you going to learn? You can't have everything. (Rumpelstiltskin appears behind them.) Rumpelstiltskin: Or perhaps he can. [SCENE_BREAK] (Prince Charming and his mother are talking outside the house. Rumpelstiltskin is sitting off to the side.) Prince Charming: A twin brother? And you gave him to that man? Ruth: We were poor - barely surviving - then, he came along with an offer. One of you for the farm. Prince Charming: Why didn't you ever tell me? Ruth: The deal forbade us from ever speaking of it. Your father regretted the decision the minute that man took your brother. He carried the guilt with him to his grave. Rumpelstiltskin: Hate to interrupt this tender moment. Time is of the essence. Prince Charming: Mother, wait in the house while I deal with this. (She goes into the house.) Prince Charming: What do you want from me? Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, not me, dear. The king. He needs a prince to slay a dragon. Prince Charming: I'm not a dragon slayer. Rumpelstiltskin: No, but your brother was. This new found kinship will be your salvation. Simply play the part. The king's knights will take care of everything else. All you must do, is deliver the dragon's head to Midas. Prince Charming: What's in it for you? Rumpelstiltskin: What's in it for me is my business. You should be asking yourself what's in it for you. You do this, your poor mother, well, the king is going to make sure she never wants for anything ever again. Your farm will be saved and you, should you survive, you shall come home the conquering hero. Now, don't tell me you don't want that? Prince Charming: I don't have a choice, do I? Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, everyone has a choice, dearie. Just make sure it's the right one. -[Real World]- (Mary Margaret is reading the paper at Granny's Diner. The front page article is about David. Dr. Whale walks up to her.) Dr. Whale: I'm a hell of a doctor, huh? No way he wakes up on someone else's watch. MMB: Hello, Dr. Whale. Dr. Whale: So, I heard that you resigned from the hospital. I hope it wasn't because of me. MMB: Wh-why would it be because of you? Dr. Whale: Well, our date... I never called you after. Yeah, I know, I know. It's not classy. And I'm sorry. But, if you could find a way to get over it, you know where to find me. Have a good day. (Dr. Whale leaves the diner. As he's walking out, Regina walks in.) Regina: Miss Blanchard, may I have a word? MMB: Of course. Regina: I wanted to talk to you about my friend Kathryn. But more specifically, I wanted to talk to you about her husband David. You don't belong together. He's not yours, he's taken, find somebody else. MMB: I haven't done anything. Regina: Really? So he just up and left his wife on a whim? MMB: He did what? Regina: You don't know. (Mary Margaret shakes her head.) Regina: Well, I suspect you soon will. So listen carefully, dear, cause it's in your best interest. Stay away. He's in a fragile state, he doesn't know who he is or what he's doing, and you're this close to wrecking multiple lives. So, before you do something that can't be undone, let him remember who he was. (Regina leaves Mary Margaret alone in the diner.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Prince Charming is looking at his reflection in a shield. King Midas approaches him.) King Midas: There he is - our saviour! The man who is going to tear the dragon limb from limb. (Prince Charming pulls out the sword that Midas had turned to gold.) King Midas: You do this, and you'll be a legend. (King Midas walks away. A knight comes over to help Prince Charming with his armour.) Knight: Here - let me. You fastened it wrong. Here - give me that. Prince Charming: How will I fight? How will I protect myself? Knight: You won't. You will stay outside the cave while we kill the dragon. If you don't come out of this alive, Midas won't give our kingdom any gold. You might have the title of hero, but not the job. (The dragon's roar is heard from the mountains.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Prince Charming and a group of knights are walking up a narrow mountain trail. Along the way, they see various burnt items from previous visitors. They arrive at the entrance to the dragon's cave.) Knight: The dragon's lair is through there. You stay here. We'll be back. (The group of knights draw their weapons and enter the cave. Two knights stay behind with Prince Charming.) Prince Charming: Did you know him well? Knight: Who? Prince Charming: My brother, the prince. Knight: Yeah, we knew him. He's the bravest man I ever met. (The dragon, who is still in the cave, roars. Flames are seen at the cave's entrance. The knights are heard screaming.) Prince Charming: They need our help. (Prince Charming tries to run to the cave, but is held back by the two knights.) Knight: We stay here. Our orders are clear. Prince Charming: People are dying. Knight: Don't move! Hey, stay back! (Prince Charming gets free and runs towards the dragon's cave. A knight is laying at the entrance of the cave and his legs are on fire. Prince Charming drags him away from the cave. The dragon appears and flies out of the cave. The knight drops his sword.) Prince Charming: Where's your sword? (The dragon flies back and attacks them with fire. They duck behind a rock and escape uninjured.) Prince Charming: Stay here. (Prince Charming leaves the knight behind and goes to grab a sword from a fallen knight. However, the sword is still hot and he burns his hand. The dragon flies back, again, and attacks Prince Charming with fire. He dodges the attack. Prince Charming sees a crevice nearby and runs toward it, picking up a sword along the way. The dragon follows him into the narrow space and ends up getting stuck.) Prince Charming: You didn't see that coming, did you? (Prince Charming cuts off the dragon's head with the sword.) -[Real World]- (Mary Margaret is opening letters with a letter opener in her classroom. David stands at the door.) David: Careful - looks sharp. MMB: You can't be here. David: I... I needed to see you. MMB: Tell me you didn't leave your wife because of me? I do not want to destroy your marriage. David: You're not. It's me. I don't want to hurt her either, but the most hurtful thing to Kathryn would be me pretending. she needs someone to feel about her the way I feel about you. MMB: I'm really trying hard to stay away from you. To do the right thing. David: Why is that the right thing? MMB: Because you already have a life. (The bell rings and kids start to file into the classroom.) David: With someone I didn't choose. The man who chose that life, whoever married Kathryn, is gone. MMB: You really have to leave me alone. (Mary Margaret starts to push David out of the classroom.) David: Is that truly what you want? MMB: Go. David: Meet me tonight. At least think about it. I'll be at the bridge where you found me at 8:00. Think about it until then and then decide. If you don't show, I'll know. And I'll never bother you again. But if you choose this - if you choose us - you know where I'll be. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is sitting at her desk in the station. Graham enters with a box of donuts.) Graham: Sometimes, clich s are true. Emma: Okay. What do you want? Graham: Remember when I said no night shifts? I need you to work tonight. Just this once. Emma: Why? Graham: I volunteer at an animal shelter, and the supervisor's sick, and someone needs to feed the dogs. Emma: Very lucky you bought a bear claw. (Emma takes a donut. Mary Margaret then runs into the room.) MMB: Emma, can I talk to you for a minute? Graham: I'll just go patrol my office. Emma: Thanks. (Graham leaves the two of them alone.) MMB: He left his wife. David - he left her. He left Kathryn. Emma: Okay, slow down. MMB: He did it for me. He wants me to be with him. He wants me to meet him tonight. Emma: That's, uh... MMB: I mean, I'm trying so hard to be strong, but he just keeps coming. I mean, how do I stop it? You know, how do I let him down? What would you do? Emma: I'd go. MMB: What? Emma: Well he left her. It's one thing to say that he wants you, but it's another to actually make a choice and now, he has. That's all you can ask for. MMB: Given her new friendship with Kathryn, I don't think Regina would be happy. Emma: All the more reason to do it. MMB: Good Lord, is this really happening? Emma: You tell me. [SCENE_BREAK] (David is at Granny's Inn. He looks out the window at the clock tower and fiddles with his wedding ring.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (King Midas, King George, Prince Charming and a few guards are gathered around the dragon's head. Midas has turned the dragon's head into gold.) King George: He has done it. Everything you asked for and more. My son battled the dragon and prevailed. King Midas: Bring it to the palace. Put it between the chimera and the mapinguari. (King George whispers to Prince Charming.) King George: We did it. We pulled it off. Prince Charming: Yes. Now how much longer before I can return home? King George: That's a discussion not for now. King Midas: From this day forth, may that beast's head be a reminder to us of the valiant warrior who killed it. The bravest, most noble prince I have ever met. You have earned my utmost respect. King George: We treasure that respect, King Midas. Just as we respect your treasure. King Midas: Yes, yes. You were promised gold and gold you shall have. But, I did not get to where I am by thinking small. I stand before you now because I dared to dream big. I was not just looking for a dragon slayer. I was looking for the strongest warrior in the land. A hero. Someone who could unite the kingdoms. Someone I would be proud to call family. Bring her! (King Midas' daughter, Abigail, enters the room.) King Midas: Gentlemen. May I present my daughter, Abigail. Beyond gold - beyond anything - I value her most. I promised her I would only give her hand in marriage when I could find a companion worthy of her. And now, I have. Abigail: He killed the dragon? (King Midas nods.) Abigail: I guess he'll do. King Midas: And so, Prince James, I offer you my daughter's hand in marriage. Prince Charming: King Midas, I am humbled by your generous offer, but I cannot honestly say- King George: My son - always so humble. (King George goes to hug Prince Charming and then whispers in his ear.) King George: If you say anything but yes, you will be responsible for the destruction of everyone and everything in our kingdom. You will marry this girl, or I will kill you. I will kill your mother. I will turn that farm to ash. Do you understand me? Now take your father's wisdom - follow it. I know you'll make the right decision. -[Real World]- (David is walking down the main street of Storybrooke. He has a map in his hands. He runs into Regina.) Regina: Mr. Nolan? David: Oh! Regina: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I was just heading home from work and I saw you. Are you lost? David: Yeah. Yeah, kind of. I'm looking for the Toll Bridge. Regina: Ah, where you were found. David: Yeah. Regina: Trying to jog your memory? David: No, I'm meeting someone. Regina: So you made your choice. David: Yes. Regina: Well, I don't suppose I can convince you to change your mind? David: I can't change how I feel. Regina: No, of course not. Walk down this street to Mr. Gold's pawn shop. You'll find a fork in the road - go left. It'll take you to a hiking trail that leads directly to the bridge. David: Thank you for understanding. Regina: Good luck, David. I hope you find what you're looking for. (David runs down the street.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret is seen waiting at the Toll Bridge.) [SCENE_BREAK] (David arrives at Mr. Gold's pawn shop. He looks around, but realizes that there isn't a fork in the road. David opens the door to the pawn shop and yells in.) David: Hello? (He enters the pawn shop and closes the door.) David: Hello? (David looks around the pawn shop. He comes to a glass unicorn mobile. He goes to touch it, when Mr. Gold speaks up.) Mr. Gold: Charming. David: I'm sorry? Mr. Gold: The mobile. Isn't it charming? Exquisitely designed, masterly crafted... I can get it down, if you like. David: No, no. I mean, it's... It's very nice, but actually, I'm looking for the Toll Bridge. The Mayor said there was a fork in the road by your shop, but- Mr. Gold: It seems Miss Mills has lead you astray. David: Yeah, yeah you would think the Mayor would know her own town. Mr. Gold: One would think. Out of the door, turn right, two blocks you'll find a trail. Can't miss it. David: Thank you. (David turns to leave. However, he sees a windmill in the shop and stops.) Mr. Gold: See something you like? David: Where did you get that? Mr. Gold: That old thing? That's been gathering dust for...forever. (David spins the windmill. He watches it go around.) David: I think... This belonged to me. Mr. Gold: Really? Are you sure? David: Yes. ...I remember. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Prince Charming rides up to his mother's farm on horseback. He gets off and yells to her.) Prince Charming: Mother! Ruth: Oh, you're back! You're alive! Prince Charming: Yes. I did it. Ruth: Are you hurt? I've been so worried. Prince Charming: I'm fine, mother, really. Ruth: Oh, look at you! Look at you, you... You look like a... Like a... Oh, you look like a prince! Come inside - I'll make us some supper. You should see the house, the farm. The king is going to take care of us. He's already started. (She starts to head into the house, but Prince Charming doesn't follow her.) Ruth: What? What's wrong? Prince Charming: Midas wants to unite the kingdoms. By marrying me to his daughter. Ruth: What? Prince Charming: It makes the grain merchant's dowry look like sheep dung. Ruth: No. You were right to turn down that offer, as you must this one, too. Every day you've been gone, has shown me it was shameful of me to ever encourage you otherwise. Your freedom to choose is more important than anything. I'll give up the farm. Prince Charming: No. Ruth: They can't force you. Prince Charming: Yes, they can. Because of our ruse, Midas can never really know who I am, which... Ruth: We can't ever see each other again. Prince Charming: Yes. Ruth: Then don't do it - run away. Prince Charming: I can't. They will kill you. Ruth: I lose you either way. At least I'll know you'll be happy. Prince Charming: I already accepted Midas' offer. I didn't come here for advice, mother. I came here to say goodbye. There was too much at stake. I couldn't let the kingdom suffer on my account. I couldn't let them hurt you. You know, you were right about one thing - can't have everything. Ruth: My boy. My sweet, sweet boy. Give this to your wife to be. (She takes off her ring.) Prince Charming: No, no I don't love her. I don't even know her. I... I can't take this. Ruth: Just because you don't know her, doesn't mean you won't grow to love her. True love follows this ring wherever it goes, my son. I had it with your father, I've had it as your mother, now you will have it. Take it. Prince Charming: No, no. (She forces the ring into his hand.) Ruth: Take it, and I'll know. Even if I never see you again, I'll know you'll find love. I'll know you'll be happy. -[Real World]- (Mary Margaret is still waiting at the Toll Bridge. She is fiddling with the ring that Prince Charming's mother gave to him. David runs up behind her.) David: You came. MMB: You sound surprised. In fact, you almost sound a bit disappointed. David: I remember. MMB: Kathryn? (David nods.) David: Everything. MMB: And you love her. David: I don't know. But I know I did. I remember how I felt and I think I have to honour that. MMB: And everything that you said to me- David: Is true. I do have feelings for you - intense feelings. Feelings I don't quite understand. MMB: And you're going back to her. David: It's the right thing to do. MMB: The right thing to do, was not to lead me on. David: I know. MMB: So, you've made your choice. David: I'm sorry- MMB: That's okay. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. (Mary Margaret walks off and leaves David alone.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is doing her night shift. She drives past the Mayor's house and sees a figure leaving one of the windows. Emma pulls over and gets out of the car. She ambushes the figure and hits them with her knight stick. The person turns out to be Graham.) Emma: This is volunteering? Graham: Plans changed. Regina needed me to- Emma: Sleep with her? Graham: No. Emma: Then... Why were you sneaking out the window? Graham: Because... She didn't want Henry to know. Emma: You did this with Henry in the house? Graham: He's sleeping. He doesn't know. Emma: Oh my god, I wish I was Henry right now. This is disgusting. Graham: I really do work at an animal shelter. Emma: You can finish my shift. I'm done working nights. (She throws Graham the keys to the car and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (David knocks on the door of his and Kathryn's house. Kathryn answers the door.) David: You were right - I did hate that windmill out front. Kathryn: You remember. (David nods.) Kathryn: How much do you remember? David: Enough. I know we weren't at a good place when I left. I know you thought I was leaving you, but I wasn't. I wanted to work things out, I just...needed some time. Then I had my accident and got much more time than I expected. I'm sorry. Kathryn: I'm sorry, too. David: I know we have work to do. Let's see what happens. Kathryn: I'd like that. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Prince Charming takes Abigail's hand, and the two walk towards King Midas and King George.) King Midas: Let this mark the beginning of a new era - of a new kingdom. United and strong. King George: An era of mutual prosperity. King Midas: Abigail. James. As I stay to work out the particulars of our new land with King George, go to your new home at my palace. We'll be along shortly and the celebration will be beyond your dreams. Abigail: Thank you, daddy. I trust that you know best. (King George takes Prince Charming aside.) King George: I'm glad you made the right decision, son. Prince Charming: Thank you...father. (They shake hands and Abigail walks up to them.) Abigail: Come - I'm tired of waiting. Prince Charming: Well then, our journey shall begin! I'd thought we might take the scenic route. King George: Smile, son. You're on the road to true love. (Prince Charming and Abigail head to their carriage. They travel through the forest along the same road they were on in an earlier episode. Snow White is seen waiting in a tree.) -[Real World]- (Mary Margaret is sitting alone in Granny's Diner. She is, again, fiddling with her ring. Dr. Whale enters the diner and sits down next to her.) Dr. Whale: Rough day? MMB: Don't feel like talking. Dr. Whale: Come on. Sometimes, it's easier to talk to someone when you don't give a crap what they think. MMB: You ever walk into a situation, where you know exactly what's going to happen and then you go into it anyway. And then, when what you're afraid of happens, you kick yourself. Because you should've known better. But that's just who you are. It's like you're punishing yourself. Dr. Whale: No. MMB: How do you do that? Dr. Whale: By never knowing what's expected - keeps life interesting. Can I buy you a drink? MMB: You can buy me two. -[End]-

David - aka John Doe - must choose between staying with Kathryn or leaving her to be with Mary Margaret, with whom he's fallen deeply, and inexplicably, in love; and Emma catches Sheriff Graham in a lie. Meanwhile, back in the fairytale world that was, Prince Charming is about to encounter a life-changing event that will forever alter his destiny.

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[Scene: Manor. Piper's room. Paige is there looking at Phoebe's high school year book.] Paige: Interesting. (She hears a toilet flush.) Are you okay in there? (Piper walks out of the bathroom.) Piper: I don't remember having morning sickness this bad with Wyatt. Paige: Oh, honey, that sucks. (Piper sits down next to Paige.) I'm just going over some pictures here, trying to educate myself before I go to Phoebe's reunion. Piper: Hmm, Todd Marks. I wonder if he's even still alive. Paige: Alive? What kind of school did she go to, anyway? Piper: Not a bad one, actually. It's just that Phoebe tended the hang out with the bad boy crowd. You know, anything to piss off Grams. Paige: Was he her first love? Piper: More like first lust. Talk about crazy though. Rick Gittridge, he was kind of the leader of their little gang. Paige: Phoebe was in a gang? Piper: Not the drive by kind, but he was kind of the type. If he is at the reunion I'd stay away from him. Paige: This is so weird. It's a whole different side of Miss Phoebe. Piper: Yeah, I think she missed mum in her life more than Prue or I did. And the more Grams tried to control her, the more she became rebellious. (They hear Phoebe scream. They run into the hallway. Phoebe is running towards them holding a dress.) Phoebe: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Piper: What happened? Phoebe: What happened? You wanna know what happened? The dry cleaner ruined my dress for tonight. That's what happened. Piper: Phoebe, you know better than to scream in this house if there isn't a demon. Phoebe: I'm sorry, but what am I supposed to wear to the reunion tonight? Paige: How about some prison stripes. Phoebe: You told her about the shoplifting? Paige: You little thief. Phoebe: No, I acted out. Okay, now back to what I'm supposed to wear tonight. Paige: I don't know, why don't you try your little black suit, the one with the thigh slit. You know, sexy, looks successful. Paige: No, I think black's too threatening. I'll be in my closet. (Chris orbs in.) Piper: Chris, hi. Chris: Hey, look, I need your help. I think I've got scabbars on my tail. Piper: Oh, well, I have some hydrogen peroxide in my bathroom. Chris: No, Scabbar demons. I went undercover to follow a lead on who turns Wyatt but I think they're onto me. Alright, I need a cloaking spell just in case. Is the book still in the attic? Paige: Yeah, last I saw. Piper: You want me to help you? (Chris goes upstairs.) He hates me. Paige: No, he doesn't. Piper: Yeah, he does. (Piper and Paige walk into Piper's room.) Paige: He's just distracted, that's all, by you know, imminent death. Piper: That's no excuse. I mean, he's been avoiding me for weeks, he won't even look at me. What could I have done in the future that would be so bad? Paige: Maybe he should have a father son talk. Piper: No, I can't do that to Leo. He had a hard enough time letting go. Besides, he doesn't even know that I'm pregnant. Paige: I know, but don't boys need their... Piper: I know, and that's why I called my father so he could figure out why his surly new grandson hates me. (Piper's stomach grumbles.) Uh-oh. Paige: I got you. (Piper and Paige go into the bathroom. Phoebe walks in holding a dress.) Phoebe: Guys, how about this one? Okay. (Phoebe sees her yearbook and reads the signatures in it.) I remember this poem. "Those who mock who I am, let them always remember when." (Phoebe changes into her teenage self and then changes back.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper opens the door. Victor is standing there.] Piper: Hi. Victor: Piper, honey, good to see you. (They hug.) Piper: Good to see you. (He sees her pregnant stomach.) Victor: Oh, whoa, you're pregnant! Piper: Yeah, it looks that way, huh? Victor: When did this happen? Piper: Oh, well, you know, I've been meaning to call you but, you know... Leo's the father. Victor: Leo? I thought you guys split up. Piper: We did. Victor: Well, then how... I don't understand. (They walk into the living room.) Piper: Uh, he was dying and I was crying... Um, it's all very complicated. (They sit down.) Victor: So Leo, he's, um, moved on? Piper: Yeah, but I'm happy for him, he really wanted to go. Victor: He wanted to die? Piper: No, no, no, no, he's not dead, he's just up there being a full time Elder. Victor: He doesn't know about this? Piper: No, no, not yet. Did I mention this was very all complicated? The point is he's not around. Victor: Was he ever? Piper: Were you? Sorry. Victor: No, no, no, I deserve that. I wasn't around enough for you girls, but I want to make up for that with Wyatt and this little... Piper: It's a boy. Chris, actually. Victor: Chris? Why'd you choose that name? Piper: I don't know, and he won't tell me. He's very secretive about the future. He's actually the reason I asked you to come. See, he, um, hates me and he doesn't want to talk to me and I need you to find out why. Victor: I don't understand your wiccan ways, but I'll try. (He leans towards Piper's stomach.) Hello, Chris. Chris. Hello, Chris. Can you hear me? Chris's Voice: Is someone calling me? Piper: Yeah, uh, sweetie, could you come here a sec? Victor: Geez, he can come out? (Chris walks in.) Chris: Can we air this out, 'cause I gotta... Grandpa! (Chris goes over to Victor and hugs him.) [Scene: School Reunion. Phoebe and Paige are outside walking towards the front door.] Phoebe: Okay, Paige, I should warn you, there's gonna be a lot of people in there that used to hate me. Paige: They're not gonna hate you. San Francisco reads your paper every day and they love you. Phoebe: I never dropped smoke bombs on San Francisco. Pep rallies, I hated them. Paige: Alright, well, after we're done tonight, they're gonna rename the gym just for you. Come on, conquering hero. (They walk inside. A woman gets her name tag and turns around.) Woman: Phoebe, hi. Wow, you look great. Phoebe: Oh, really? Thanks. Woman: Well, see you inside. Phoebe: Yeah. That would be great. (The woman walks away.) Paige: Who's that? Phoebe: I have no idea. (Phoebe and Paige walk over to the name tag table. A teacher is standing there.) Teacher: Well, I didn't expect to see you here, Miss Halliwell. Still testing the boundaries of the criminal justice system are we? Phoebe: Hi, Miss Hickock. No, actually, I'm a columnist now. Miss Hickock: Oh. Phoebe: I give advice. (Miss Hickock laughs a little.) On relationships. (She laughs harder.) Miss Hickock: I'm sorry, dear. I just never figured you for the advice giving type. You certainly never took it. (She hands Paige the name tags.) Enjoy. (Phoebe and Paige walk away.) Paige: Gym teacher? Phoebe: How did you know she was a gym teacher? Paige: Alright, lady, let's go in there, and show them your sordid past a thing or two. (They walk into the room. It is decorated with balloons and streamers and is packed with people.) Phoebe: Oh my god, everybody's looking at me. Paige: Uh, yeah, that's because you're a celebrity and you look fabulous and they probably all wanna be. Phoebe: Nice try. I'm an empath, I feel hate. (A woman called Ramona excitedly runs over to Phoebe.) Ramona: Phoebe! Phoebe Halliwell! Oh my gosh, I can't believe you showed up! (Ramona hugs her.) Phoebe: Hi. Ramona: You're so skinny. How'd you stay so skinny? Who's this? Paige: I'm Paige Matthews, her long lost sister. Ramona: Oh, wow. Are you famous too? You look famous. Okay, so, um, dweeb time, but, um, since I knew you when, can I have your autograph? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, of course. Uh, I usually charge twenty dollars for it. Ramona: I think I have a twenty here somewhere. Phoebe: No, I'm kidding! (Ramona laughs.) Ramona: I used to do everything Phoebe said. Hey, remember that night when you snuck me into the country club in the trunk of your car? And then you left me there so that you could go make out with Todd on the golf course. Phoebe: Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Actually, I'm sorry about a lot of the tricks we used to play on you. Ramona: Tricks? You made me feel like part of the gang. Those were the best times of my life. Paige: So I think you need to tell me more about this gang. What else did she do? (Todd walks up to them.) Todd: One time she broke into the principal's office, just to make out with some guy on his desk. Phoebe: See, now I remember that it was you that broke into the principal's office and I just tagged along out of curiosity. Ah, where's Paula? Todd: She's around somewhere. Ramona: This is so awesome! It's like the gang is all back together again. Well, almost. Paige: Oh, yeah, where's the ringleader? Phoebe: Rick, good old Rick. Where is Rick? Todd: I heard he got picked up for a liquor store robbery. Phoebe: Oh my god, are you kidding? Did he do it? Todd: Only what I read in your paper. And I read everything you write. Phoebe: Thanks. I'm flattered. So what are you doing now? (He pulls out a business card.) Todd: I'm a personal injury lawyer. Phoebe: Wow, that sounds interesting. Todd: Well, it's not. But it's legal, just barely. Pays the mortgage. I miss the fun we used to have. Phoebe: Yeah, me too. (Paula walks over to Todd.) Paula: Todd. There you are, sweetie. (to Phoebe) There you are. I was wondering if you had the nerve to show up. Phoebe: What do you mean nerve? Paula: Oh, you're the talk of the reunion. You know, you can fool San Francisco with your pithy advice, but you can't fool us. We all know you, sweetie. Todd: That's enough, Paula. Phoebe: What is that supposed to mean? Paula: It means you're a fake. The only thing you were ever known for was lying and ditching and stealing boyfriends. Paige: Phoebe, are you gonna let someone with a giant helmet that passes for hair talk to you like that? Ramona: God, Paula, just because Todd had a thing for Phoebe, you don't have to be so mean. Paula: I'm not being mean, I'm doing her a favour. To the rest of the world, you might be Ask Phoebe, but to us you'll always be freebie. (Phoebe walks away.) Paige: Are you okay? (Paige follows Phoebe.) Paula: Hey, let's dance. [Cut to the hallway. Phoebe and Paige walk in.] Paige: Hey. Why didn't you just tell that chick to go screw herself? (Phoebe flashes back to her teenage self and then flashes back.) Phoebe? Phoebe: Okay, what just happened? Paige: You tell me. Phoebe: I have no idea. I was just standing here and then I had some weird high school flashback. Paige: Yeah, your whole body just flashed back. Phoebe: What? Are you kidding me? I just felt... Paige: Pissed? Phoebe: Very. Paige: Well, as someone whose seen Carrie, both versions, I'd say the reunion is over. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper, Chris and Victor are sitting at the table.] Victor: So we're close? Chris: Yeah. You're awesome, Grandpa. Victor: (to Piper) Did you hear that? Awesome. Chris: Yeah, after the event happened, we got really close. Piper: What event? Chris: I can't tell you. Piper: Is this, um, event my fault? Is that why you're treating me like a non-person? Chris: I can't talk about it, it will mess with the future. Victor: But you did say I was awesome, right? You can talk about that? Chris: Yeah. You're the best, I love hanging out with you. Victor: I gotta admit, I'm a little surprised. I mean, it's no secret I wasn't the greatest dad. It means a lot to me that I could do something to make up for it. Chris: You do. Piper: After the event. Chris: Right. Piper: That you won't tell me about. Chris: I told you, I can't talk about it, okay? Victor: Hey, don't talk to your mother like that, okay? Chris: You're right. I'm sorry. Paige's Voice: Piper! [Cut to the foyer. Phoebe and Paige walk in through the front door. Piper and Victor walk in from the kitchen.] Piper: Hey, what's going on? Phoebe: Hi, daddy. Victor: Hi, sweetie. (They hug.) Paige: Okay, I hate to cut this reunion short, I think we've had enough of those for today. Now you go upstairs until we figure this out. Phoebe: Bye, daddy. (Phoebe goes upstairs. Chris walks in.) Chris: What happened? Paige: Well, you've heard of recapturing your youth, I think Phoebe's youth is trying to recapture her. Piper: Explain. Paige: I don't know, it's like one minute she was totally normal, the next it's like she's freaky Phoebe. Chris: Great. Who else saw? Paige: No one. She changed back before anyone noticed. Victor: I'm having a little trouble keeping up here. Phoebe's being chased by, what, demons? Paige: Maybe inner demons or a spell gone wrong? It seemed to happen after someone named Paula Marks called her 'freebie'. Piper: Oh, yeah, that'll do it. Paige: You wanna go upstairs with me and check the book, see if there's anything? Piper: Okay. Chris: You two go ahead. I need to get back to the Scabbar demons before they know I'm missing. Piper: Hey, wait, what, and leave your awesome grandpa alone? Grab a sandwich, grab a beer, get an answer. (Victor pulls out two cigars from his coat.) Victor: Cubans? [Cut to Phoebe's room. Phoebe is walking around her room.] Phoebe: I am not that person anymore. I am not, so whatever you think you're doing, we're... (She walks past the mirror and her teenage reflection shows up in the mirror. Phoebe faces the mirror and sees her normal self.) What is happening to me? (Her phone rings and she answers it.) Hello, this is Phoebe... I think. Todd: Hey, where'd you go? Are you okay? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Todd: Listen, I'm sorry about Paula. It always burned her up, you know, you and me together. Phoebe: Yeah, hey, listen... Todd: The only reason I came to this thing was because of you, hoping I'd see you again. (Silence.) You there? Phoebe: Yeah. I need to ask you a question. Um, was I really a different person when you knew me? Todd: Different? How do you mean? Phoebe: Well, you know, what Paula said. Todd: Phoebe, we were kids. We were young, we were dumb, we didn't let anything stand in our way. Phoebe: Yeah, I remember. Todd: I don't know about you, but I miss it. When was the last time you were wild, you know? Really wild. The way we used to be. Phoebe: Actually, quite recently, to tell you the truth. Paula's Voice: Who is that? Who are you talking to? Is this Freebie? (Phoebe changes into her teenage self.) Phoebe: You bet your ass. And I'm coming to get you, bitch. (Phoebe hangs up and goes over to the window. She climbs out.) [Cut to outside the conservatory. Chris and Victor are there smoking the cigars. Chris coughs.] Victor: Sorry, bad idea. Chris: It's cool, it's just strong. Victor: I was just trying to help us bond a little, you know. Chris: We don't need help bonding, we're cool. Victor: In the future, but I haven't been there yet, you know. I'm feeling a little out of sync here. Um, well, are you hungry? Do you wanna grab a bite? Chris: Yeah. Yeah, that'd be great. Just, um, let me change first, okay? Victor: Okay. Chris: Uh, listen, about those things, you might wanna pick up a different habit. To avoid future problems if you know what I mean. Victor: Oh, geez. (He quickly puts the cigar out.) Thanks for the tip. (They go inside. Phoebe climbs down the trellis.) [Scene: School Reunion. Teenage Phoebe walks in the room. Everyone turns and stares. She walks over to Todd.] Todd: Phoebe? When you said you were feeling wild you weren't kidding. What happened to your hair, your clothes? (Phoebe kisses him.) Paula: Oh my god. Get off him! (Paula pushes Phoebe to the floor.) Ramona: This isn't high school, Phoebe, they are married now. (to Todd) And what the hell are you thinking? Paula: No, no, no, let her go. Todd's a personal injury attorney and I have a hundred witnesses here. I'm sure Ask Freebie has very deep pockets. Phoebe: Yeah, well, I'd rather be rich than a bitch. (Suddenly Paula turns into a dog and runs through the room.) Ramona: What the hell was that? Phoebe: I have no idea but that was so cool. "The past is the future and the future is the past, let's welcome back the senior class." (Everyone starts dancing.) That's more like it. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: School Reunion. The party is getting out of hand with people hanging off the chandelier, writing on walls, break dancing. Phoebe and Todd are making out under the table.] Todd: I haven't felt this way since... Phoebe: Homecoming game. Underneath the bleachers. Todd: Yeah, and crowd cheering. How did you make this happen? Phoebe: Magic. I think I'm a witch. Todd: You're a witch, huh? How come I'm not scared of you? Phoebe: 'Cause you're under my spell. (Paige orbs in near by.) Paige: Phoebe? Phoebe? (Someone dives across a table. Paige calls Piper on her phone.) Piper: Hello? Paige: Okay, I found Phoebe. I have good news and I have bad news. Piper: Give me the good. Paige: Well, I think I now know what Phoebe was like as a teenager. That's also the bad news. Piper: How bad is it? Paige: In a word... bad. (Phoebe sees Paige.) Phoebe: Let's get out of here. (Phoebe and Todd get out from under the table and head for the door.) Paige: Phoebe! Phoebe! Ramona: Hey, wait for me! [Cut to outside. Phoebe, Todd and Ramona are running down the street.] Ramona: So where are we going, guys? Todd: Anywhere. I don't care, I don't want this night to end. Phoebe: The night is young. (The cops pull up outside the reunion.) I can't get busted. Todd: Don't worry, I'm gonna get us outta here. Phoebe: Wait, you wanna steal a cop car? Todd: No, not steal, borrow. (Phoebe sees Paige walk out of the building.) Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, great idea, let's go. (Phoebe, Todd and Ramona get in the car and drive off.) Paige: Phoebe! [Scene: Restaurant. Chris and Victor are sitting at a table. A waiter is taking their order.] Chris: Uh, what is the gi-got? Waiter: Ze gigot is your choice. Leg of lamb or mutton. Chris: Oh, what is that, meat? Waiter: Yes, is meat. Comes from a sheep, you know? Baa-baa. Victor: Why don't you just bring us a couple of steaks, please. Medium. Thank you. (The waiter walks away.) Sorry, I thought you might like a fancy meal. Chris: Why? Victor: Trying to live up to my rep. Chris: With cigars and mutton? Sorry, grandpa, that's not how you did it. Victor: Did I take you to batting cages? Chris: No. Victor: Strip clubs? Chris: God, no. Victor: What did I do? You gotta tell me because I am crashing here. Chris: Nothing. You just... we talked. Victor: Oh. Chris: Look, we should just get back. I'm under cover with some demons who are gonna be looking for me very soon. Victor: No, no, no, wait. Let's talk. We need to talk. Chris: Let me guess. Piper asked you here to find out what's wrong with me, right? Victor: She just wants to know why she's such a terrible mother. Chris: She what? No, no, she's great. Victor: Then why are you treating her like she doesn't exist? Chris. If what we do is talk, talk to me. Chris: Because she doesn't exist in my future, okay? She dies when I turn fourteen. Victor: That, that's the event? How? Chris: I can't, alright. I've already said way too much. The point is after I save Wyatt, I have to back to where she isn't. I can't get close to her because I don't wanna lose her again. Victor: Maybe that's all the more reason to get close to her. [Scene: An abandoned gas station. Phoebe, Todd and Ramona have parked the cop car there. Cop cars drive past outside.] Todd: Proving once again that we are smarter than the cops. Ramona: Can I play with the siren now? Phoebe: No. I'm cleaning the fingerprints, we've gotta ditch the car here. Todd: Hey, what's the rush? The coast is clear, the night is young and so are you. (Phoebe and Todd kiss.) Ramona: Um, guys, I'm not gonna crawl in a truck again so you two can make out. Hey, we could T.P. Gabby Fernandez's house, how about that? Todd: How about lame. Phoebe: Yeah, I have to agree. This is a special night, we need imagination. Ramona: Hey, Rick always said he had imagination. Phoebe: That's exactly what I was thinking. Todd: This is reunion night. Let's get the gang back together. Ramona: Yeah, um, but Rick's locked up in county. Todd: So? Ramona: So, the jail's closed. Phoebe: Well, just think of me as your get into jail free card. Ramona: You wanna break in? Phoebe: Just to say hi. It's something to do, right? Ramona: Right. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Paige are there. Piper is looking through the Book of Shadows while Paige scrys for Phoebe.] Paige: Damn it, I thought I had her. She's on the move again. Piper: Well, we better find her soon because we're gonna need her if those Scabbar demons come after Chris. I can't believe I let him go out with dad. What was I thinking? Paige: Honey, you weren't thinking, you were actually feeling which is allowed in this family. (Chris orbs in with Victor who has a sick look on his face.) Piper: You're okay. Victor: Who says I'm okay. Chris: Don't worry, you'll get used to orbing in the future. Piper: I thought something might have happened to you. Chris: No, we're fine, we just talked. Really, I'm fine. Paige: Yeah, well, Phoebe's not. She's out there running around with her old gang. Victor: I thought she was downstairs. Piper: No, she's out the window. Paige: And even worse, she's under the influence. Chris: Of alcohol? Paige: No, adolescence. Piper: She stole a cop car as a prank. Victor: That's not a prank, that's a felony. Paige: Yeah, well, teen Phoebe also happens to have her adult powers and she cast a spell on her entire reunion class. Chris: What? Piper: Don't worry, Paige was able to reverse it all, but... (Piper stumbles back. Chris and Victor grab her arms.) Chris: Are you okay? Piper: Yeah, I'm just a little light headed. Chris: Sorry. You know, about me. Piper: Huh. Must have been some hell of a talk there. Victor: Yeah. Go get off your feet, honey. (Piper and Victor leave the room.) Chris: Look, we need to stop Phoebe before she gets into some trouble we can't get her out of. Paige: I'm trying, she keeps moving, she keeps moving. Uh. (The crystal points to a place on the map.) I got her. (Two Scabbar demons appear and Chris orbs out. They spit yellow acid-like goo and it hits a cabinet, smashing the glass. Paige kneels behind a table. Chris orbs in behind her.) Glass! (A piece of broken glass orbs into one of the Scabbar demon's stomach. It just melts away, not harming him. He spits more acid goo and it hits the table, melting it away. Piper and Victor run in.) Piper: Get back! (Piper pushes Victor back out the door. Piper tries to blow one of the demons up. The other demon spits towards Paige.) Paige: Icky stuff! (The yellow goo orbs back to the demon, vanquishing him. The other one disappears.) Piper: Icky stuff? Paige: It worked. (Victor walks back in. Chris hands Paige the Book of Shadows.) Chris: Here. Sorry about all this. Piper: It's okay, kids are messy. Chris: They'll be back. Piper: Then we'll handle it. Paige: Uh-oh. (Paige picks up the melted scrying crystal.) Any idea how we're gonna find Phoebe now? [Scene: County Jail. A room. A man and two women are waiting there. A guard brings Rick into the room.] Rick: You're not my lawyers. Man: Well, Mr. Gittridge, we're here at the request of your public defender. May I call you Rick? Rick: No. You don't look much like a defence team to me. Guard: Sit down, Gittridge. (Rick sits down and the guard leaves the room.) Woman: Mr. Gittridge, did you at one time provide Phoebe Halliwell with a smoke bomb during a school assembly? Rick: Alright, what is this? (The man and women laugh. One of the women morphs into teenage Phoebe. Rick jumps out of his chair.) Stay away from me. (Phoebe waves her hand and the other two morph into Todd and Ramona.) Geez. (Rick picks up the chair.) Todd: Chill out, Rick, it's us. Phoebe: We just came by to say hi. Ramona: Hi. (The guard comes back in the room and Rick hits him over the head with the chair. He closes the door.) Rick: Alright, what the hell's going on? How'd you guys do that? Phoebe: Wait, are you crazy or just stupid? Rick: Tell me how you did that! Todd: It's Phoebe, she does things like magic, but for real. Rick: Wow. We'll see how real.. Ramona: Um, this isn't supposed to happen, it's a prank. We just came to say hi. Phoebe: You want me to use my magic to get you out of here? (Rick unlocks the handcuffs with the keys hanging on the guard's belt.) Rick: Oh, I know you are. Only way you're getting outta here too. In for a penny, in for a pound. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Abandoned Gas Station. A guard holding a shotgun walks in and looks around.] Guard: All clear. (Phoebe, Todd and Ramona walk in. Phoebe waves her hand at the guard and he changes into Rick.) Rick: Sweet. What is this? Is this a spell or something? Phoebe: Or something. Rick: I need believed in much of anything before but I am a believer now. Phoebe: Whatever. Have a good life. Come on, you guys. Rick: Hey, wait, don't get all attitudinal on me. It's not like we did anything wrong here, guys. Todd: Rick, you hit a cop. Rick: That was an accident. You guys had me so freaked out with that magic, I didn't know what was going on. Ramona: He does have a point, Phoebe. Rick: Yeah. Phoebe: Don't buy into his crap. He made us break him out of prison. Rick: That was justice. You guys, I never hit no liquor store, I mean, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Todd: You expect us to believe that? Rick: I'm being straight with you. You guys, you know me. I'm a trouble maker, not an armed robber. Phoebe: Could have fooled me. Rick: Okay, I grabbed the shot gun to scare you. I was desperate to get out of there, be with you guys. I'm one of you. Ramona: What do you think, Phoebe? Phoebe: He's capable of hurting people, that's what I think. Todd: I vote we let him stick with us. Ramona: Just doesn't seem right to leave him out. Rick: It's two out of three, babe. Guess we're all back together again, huh? This is great. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Chris are there. Piper puts a crystal on the window sill.] Piper: The crystal's should protect you. They won't be able to find you as long as you stay in the attic. Chris: You sure about that? Piper: Well, I'm pretty sure. Chris: Okay. Well, you and Wyatt need to go some place safe. I'm gonna go get him. Piper: No, you are not leaving this room. Chris: What about you? Piper: What about me? I have to stay here and help Paige summon Phoebe. Chris: I'm part witch, remember? I can help Paige do that. Piper: You can't vanquish the demons if they come and attack again. Chris: Well, I can try. (Victor stands near the doorway.) Victor: Listen to your mother, Chris. Chris: What if something happens to her? Piper: Nothing's gonna happen to me. Unless you know something that I don't. Victor: Nothing's gonna happen to you, honey. Not now. Piper: Oh, so when? Chris? Is that what you've been living with, knowing that something happens to me? I see. Well, does it happen soon? Chris: I can't tell you that. It could change the future in even worse ways. Piper: Right. But isn't that why you came here in the first place? To make the future better? How do you know you haven't already changed mine? Victor: She's got a point. Piper: Well, whatever it is, it obviously doesn't happen until you're born, so save it. You got it? Chris: I got it, mum. Piper: Huh? (Piper smiles.) [Scene: Abandoned Gas Station. Phoebe, Todd, Rick and Ramona are there.] Ramona: And then while I keep Miss Hickock busy on the telephone, you three creep up to her house and egg her car. Todd: I haven't egged a car in years. I get first shot. Rick: Hold it together. You're acting like you're still in high school. Phoebe: Because they are. I cast a spell. Rick: That explains so much. Listen, I picked up a tip today at lockup, and I got a better idea of what we can do tonight. Phoebe: Knock off another liquor store? Rick: No. An Armored car. Ramona: You're joking, right? Phoebe: No, he's not joking, he's psycho, look at him. Rick: You're wrong. Look, I would have never even considered it before, we got magic now, right? I mean, we can pull this off. Todd: An Armored car, huh? A little bit big league, don't you think? Rick: That's right, we're not kids anymore, we've gotta think about our futures. Come on, what do you say, Ramona? You in? Ramona: Um, I don't know, I don't want to go to jail. Rick: See, we're not gonna get caught, we got Phoebe, alright? Now we need a majority vote here, so what do you say? Ramona: No. I wanna go home. Rick: You're not going anywhere. In for a penny, in for a pound, remember? Phoebe: The cops aren't after us, they're after you. Todd: She's right. Phoebe: Come on, you guys, let's get out of here. Todd: It's over. (Rick hits Todd over the head with the gun.) Rick: Nothing's over until I say it's over. (Teenage Phoebe turns back into her normal self.) Whoa. What's going on? What are you doing? Phoebe: I kill demons everyday. Do you think I'm afraid of you? Rick: Stay right there. (Phoebe disappears in a swirl of bright lights.) [Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper, Paige, Chris and Victor are standing there. Phoebe appears in a swirl of bright lights.] Victor: Honey, are you okay? Phoebe: No, I'm not. You have to send me back. Paige: You're not a teenager anymore. Phoebe: Very good, Paige. Now please, send me back. Piper: But wait, we need the power of three to vanquish the demons that are after Chris. Phoebe: No, Piper, it's gonna have to wait. There are innocents in danger. Piper: Well, what if you revert back? Phoebe: I won't. Look, there's a crazy man with a shot gun, now please send me back. [Cut to the abandoned gas station. Todd is laying unconscious on the ground. Phoebe appears in a swirl of lights.] Phoebe: Todd. Todd! Are you okay? (Rick walks out from behind the cop car.) Rick: Did you go to the cops? Phoebe: No, I didn't, I swear. Where's Ramona? Rick: Somewhere safe. Phoebe: What is that supposed to mean? Rick: I got nervous when you took off. I didn't know where you went so I decided I need a little leverege. Phoebe: Where is she? Rick: Don't take a tone with me, Pheebs. Not if you don't want to see your friend again. She's locked up tight, now if you want her to keep breathing, you're gonna do what I say. Don't you just love reunions? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Alley. Phoebe and Rick are driving down the alley in the cop car.] Rick: They should be passing by any minute. You stop up there. Phoebe: You don't have to do this, you know, you have a choice. Rick: A choice? Here's my choice. Freedom with money to burn, or life in prison. Phoebe: You won't get life. Rick: Maybe not, but I'll get thirty to forty years. That robbery was my third strike. Phoebe: So you did do it? Rick: Yeah, but you knew that. Even before you got all grown up. Phoebe: Don't do this, Rick. Don't make things worse than they already are. Just tell me where Ramona is. Rick: I get what I want, she'll go free. Phoebe: Yeah, except guys like you never get what they want. Rick: I'm not for lack of trying, that's for damn sure. I got a feeling this time it's gonna be different, 'cause I got magic on my side. Phoebe: God, what happened to you? Rick: Me? What happened to you? You're the one who changed. You got all different. Phoebe: Yeah, I did. (An Armored truck drives around the corner.) Rick: Go. (Phoebe pulls out in front of the truck so the truck so the truck is now following them.) You're gonna do this just like I said, then you're gonna give me a new face. And not one of them lawyer faces you used, something new. Or Ramona dies, are we clear? (Phoebe stops and the Armored truck stops behind them. Rick looks in the side mirror.) Go, go, go. (Phoebe turns the corner.) Phoebe: I can't guarantee you a perfect spell, you know? Rick: What do you mean? I saw you do magic. Phoebe: No, you saw a hormonal teenage witch with no fear of consequences. Rick: Leave the consequences to me. (The Armored truck continues to follow them. Rick slams his foot on the break and the Armored truck runs into the back of them.) Go, now! Phoebe: "Make them see what can not be, flames that leap to make them flee." (Flames appear in the truck and the two men jump out of it. One of the men is on fire.) Oh my god, he's on fire. Rick: Yeah, wasn't that the idea? Phoebe: No, it was just supposed to be an illusion. (Rick runs over and attacks one of the men. Phoebe hits the man on fire with a coat to put the fire out. Rick knocks the man out and points a shotgun at him. Phoebe dives on Rick and they fall to the ground. They struggle with each other to get to the shotgun. Rick gets to it and points it at Phoebe.) Rick: It wouldn't be the first time I killed someone. Let's get the money. (Rick goes inside the truck.) Phoebe: "Make him hear what isn't there, his deepest worries come to bear." (Rick hears sirens of police cars.) Rick: Damn it! Where'd they come from? Phoebe: I think your time's running out. Rick: Let's go, let's go. (He grabs Phoebe and they walk down the street.) [Scene: Manor. Wyatt's room. Piper and Victor are watching Wyatt sleep.] Piper: Mm, I wish I was asleep. Victor: You should sleep. Piper: No, I can't. Not until Phoebe's back and Chris's demons are vanquished, and I accept the fact that apparently I die young. You know, don't you? When it happens? Victor: It's like you said, the future could have changed. I do know that Chris loves you. Piper: Yeah? Victor: Yeah. I love you too. (They hear a crash.) Piper: Wait here. Wyatt's force field will protect you. (She heads for the door. Paige stands at the door way.) Paige: You stay put, I'm gonna take care of it, okay? Just keep Chris in the attic. (Paige walks away.) [Cut to the foyer. Phoebe is laying on the floor. Rick is standing in front of her.] Rick: Okay, no more stalling. Do it. Phoebe: Where's Ramona? Rick: You think I'm stupid? I tell you where she is, I lose my leverage. (Paige walks in.) Paige: What's going on? (Rick points the gun at Paige.) Rick: Who are you? (Phoebe gets up.) Phoebe: Don't. She's my sister. Rick: Yeah? She a witch too? Paige: Yeah. You could say it runs in the family. Rick: Good. Then maybe she can give me a new face. Phoebe: You know, we'd been more than happy to give you a new face once you tell us where Ramona is. Rick: What the hell. You're my leverage now anyway. She's locked in a tank under the pumping station. Phoebe: How do we know you're telling the truth? Rick: You don't. Now, my face. Make it different. Heartbreaking, charming, young. (Phoebe gets an idea.) Phoebe: You know, I'm thinking maybe you should use our nephew for inspiration. Paige: "Who you were, you're now another, take the face of Wyatt's brother." (Rick turns into Chris. He looks in the mirror.) Chris: Yeah, I like it. This'll work. Paige: Pheebs, watch out, this could get messy. (Phoebe and Paige hide behind a wall. Three Scabbar demons appear in the room. Rick shoots at them but doesn't harm them. They spit the green acid goo at Rick which melts him to nothing. The demons disappear. Phoebe and Paige come out from behind the wall.) You okay? Phoebe: Yeah. Paige: You know you had to, right? Phoebe: I know. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Phoebe's room. Phoebe is there looking through her year book. Paige walks in.] Paige: Hey. Phoebe: Hi. Paige: How are Todd and Ramona? Phoebe: They're shaky but they're okay. Paige: Yeah? Do they remember anything? Phoebe: No, once I reversed the spell, the past was... Paige: Forgotten? Phoebe: Some things are best forgotten. Paige: Yeah, like, freaky Phoebe. Phoebe: My god, I was such an angry little teenager, huh? Paige: Well, it's a good thing you didn't have your powers back then. Phoebe: Tell me about it. I'm just glad that's all behind me, you know. Paige: Yeah, still, it's good for me to see you have a couple of chinks in your armor. As an older sister you're quite a bit to live up to. Phoebe: Shut up. Paige: I swear to it. Phoebe: Get out of here. Paige: I'm telling you the truth. Phoebe: I'm embarrassed now. [Cut to the foyer. Piper and Victor are heading towards the door.] Piper: Next time I ask you to drop by I promise I will keep the demonic drama to a minimum. Victor: Yeah, now you know why I don't come around that often. Piper: Dad. Victor: Just kidding. (They hug.) Sort of. Take care of yourself. You've got a great kid growing inside of you. Look forward to really getting to know him someday. Piper: I still can't believe you like orbing in the future. Do I live to see that? Victor: Ooh, nice try. Don't worry so much about the future. Spend time with him while you can, talk to him. Piper: Every moment counts, is that it? Victor: Yeah, something like that. Uh, Piper, be careful. (He leaves. Piper walks in the conservatory and sees Chris and Wyatt sitting on the floor, playing with toys. She feels the baby kick and she smiles.)

While preparing for her high school reunion, Phoebe's wild teenage personality takes over her body when she inadvertently casts a spell on herself reading a rhyme she had inscribed in her high school year book. At the reunion, aggravated by an old rival, the teenage Phoebe persona takes over, reconnects with her former gang and finds herself following a suggestion to use her magic to visit another old gang member Rick, who is in jail awaiting trial. Rick, takes advantage of their visit to break out of jail, and uses Phoebe's magic to aid his plans of fleeing justice. Meanwhile, Scabber demons requiring the Power of Three to vanquish are closing in on Chris. Earlier that evening, Piper being increasingly concerned that Chris is staying distant, had asked her father Victor to talk to him. Chris explains that Piper dies when he turns fourteen, and he has been distancing himself from his mother because he believes that to bond with her only to return to a future where she is dead would be too painful. Victor convinces Chris that he needs to spend as much time with Piper as possible so he has more fond memories of her when he goes back. All the while Phoebe is under the dual pressures of knowing one high school friend is seriously, perhaps even grievously wounded, and Rick has hidden one of their female classmates where no-one can ever find her. Both parties arrive back at the manor where Paige casts the appearance changing spell to make him look like Chris. The Scabber Demons spit their acid at what looks like Chris and Rick is melted, but not before he gives up the information on where to find the others.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_11x17

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_11x17_0

THE MONSTER OF PELADON BY: BRIAN HAYLES PART THREE 5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. TEMPLE OF AGGEDOR ORTRON: Cast them into the pit! DOCTOR: Don't be a fool! [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. PASSAGE OUTSIDE TEMPLE THALIRA: (To the guard.) No doors are barred to the Queen - stand aside! [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. TEMPLE OF AGGEDOR (The DOCTOR is thrown into the pit...) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. TEMPLE PIT (...where he falls through the darkness with a cry. He lands on soil covered in straw and some scattered bones. He quickly gets to his feet and catches SARAH as she comes down with a scream. They both fall to the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. TEMPLE OF AGGEDOR (THALIRA has gained access to the temple. As she and CENTAURI rush in, the guards stand hurriedly back...) THALIRA: Where is the girl?! We dema... (...revealing the open pit. The words die in her mouth. She looks at ORTRON.) ORTRON: The decision is no longer yours or mine, your Majesty. The girl and the Doctor have gone to face the judgement of Aggedor. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. TEMPLE PIT (The DOCTOR and SARAH get to their feet somewhat unsteadily.) SARAH: Oh...ow... DOCTOR: You alright, Sarah? SARAH: Well, I don't think anything's broken. (She looks up.) SARAH: What are they going to do - just leave us here? DOCTOR: No, I think there's more to it than that. (SARAH sniffs the air.) SARAH: Ooh! That smell - it's...it's sort of musky. Like...like the lion house at the zoo... (The words are barely out of her mouth when they hear a quiet roar in the pitch-black darkness behind them.) SARAH: (Alarmed.) Oh, Doctor, there's something in here with us - something alive! DOCTOR: Yes, I know. Now don't move, Sarah. (As the quiet roars continue, he reaches into his pocket and takes out his pen-torch. Switching it on, he slowly casts it round the darkness. Suddenly the light is cast on the source of the sound - AGGEDOR! The royal beast rears up and screams out a roar through its fanged mouth.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. TEMPLE OF AGGEDOR THALIRA: (Shouts.) Remove them from the pit, Ortron! (ORTRON doesn't move.) THALIRA: We command it! ORTRON: (Smiles.) Too late, your Majesty. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. TEMPLE PIT (AGGEDOR swipes a huge clawed paw at the DOCTOR which is easily dodged.) DOCTOR: Come on, Aggedor, old chap! That's no way to greet an old friend! (AGGEDOR growls and takes another swipe.) DOCTOR: You remember me, surely? (AGGEDOR lunges forward at the two captives with a roar. SARAH screams as she and the DOCTOR jump out of the creature's way.) SARAH: I don't think he does, Doctor! DOCTOR: ... he and I used to be the greatest of friends! Aggedor! (The monster roars once more and again lunges for them.) DOCTOR: Aggedor! (Suddenly the DOCTOR remembers...) DOCTOR: Yes, of course! (...and lifts up the glinting TARDIS key from the chain round his neck. He starts to spin the key round and sings his haunting refrain...) DOCTOR: "Klokleda Partha Mennin Klatch, Haroon, Haroon, Haroon." (AGGEDOR too remembers and almost immediately starts to subdue...) DOCTOR: "Klokleda Shina Tierra Natch, Haroon, Haroon, Haroon." (AGGEDOR'S head lowers as he starts to sway under the hypnotic effect...) DOCTOR: "Haroon, Haroon, Haroon, Haroon, Haroon, Haroon, Haroon, Haroon, Haroon, Haroon, Haroon, Haroon, Haroon..." (His song dies away and he strokes the animal's head as it gently growls. He continues to twist the TARDIS key before AGGEDOR'S eyes.) DOCTOR: That's better. You remember now, don't you, old chap, mm? SARAH: (Relieved.) You should have been a lion tamer, Doctor. H...how did you manage to do that? DOCTOR: A little bit of light hypnosis. It brings out his sweeter nature, doesn't it, old chap, mm? SARAH: Hmm! DOCTOR: Come and tickle his ears, Sarah! SARAH: Not likely. Now look, Doctor, this reunion is all very touching, but what happens to us now? DOCTOR: Well, as we shoved down here...to receive the verdict of Aggedor, I would say that the result is very much in our favour, wouldn't you? SARAH: Mmm? DOCTOR: Come on, Aggedor, old chap, up you get. (The DOCTOR stands directly beneath the pit opening and shouts upwards.) DOCTOR: Come on! Get us out of here! (THALIRA, ORTRON and ALPHA CENTAURI look down on them.) DOCTOR: Come on! Visiting time's over - get us out of here! [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. TEMPLE OF AGGEDOR (THALIRA looks sternly at ORTRON.) THALIRA: Chancellor Ortron, release them from the pit immediately. (Disappointment and defeat line ORTRON'S face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (Later, ALPHA CENTAURI has returned to the communications room and made ECKERSLEY aware of this turn in events. The Engineer sits at the main console, writing down figures on the clipboard.) ALPHA CENTAURI: Now the Doctor is in good standing again, he will help us to clear up our problems. ECKERSLEY: Yes, while I admire your confidence, there's a gang of hot-headed miners running around in those tunnels with sophisticated weapons. How you going to solve that one, mm? ALPHA CENTAURI: Indeed the situation is most deplorable, but what can I do? I am only an observer here. (ECKERSLEY finishes his figures.) ECKERSLEY: Well, I know what I'd do. Still you don't want me interfering, do you? ALPHA CENTAURI: Please, Eckersley, advise me - what would you do? ECKERSLEY: Inform the Federation. Get them to send you a bit of muscle. With Federation troops on the planet, you and your friend, the Doctor, could make both sides see reason. And besides, if things really do blow up on this planet, the Federation could lose the trisilicate, and then they'll want to know why they weren't told how bad things were getting, you see? (Thoughtfully, CENTAURI nods his head.) ALPHA CENTAURI: There is much in what you say. ECKERSLEY: You've had a long and valuable career on this planet. It would be a great pity to see it all end in a...an ugly mess. ALPHA CENTAURI: Perhaps I should discuss it with the Doctor. (A thought suddenly strikes ECKERSLEY.) ECKERSLEY: Hey, just a minute - the sonic lance! That's a pretty handy piece of artillery. (He rushes for the door.) ALPHA CENTAURI: Where are you going? ECKERSLEY: I'm gonna get some guards and bring it back here. (He leaves. CENTAURI thinks for a moment and then crosses to the communications console, taking the microphone in his hand.) ALPHA CENTAURI: (Into microphone.) This is the Federation Ambassador on the planet of Peladon. Get the emergency security channel, please - utmost priority. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. THRONE ROOM (The guards open the throne room door and THALIRA, her authority established sweeps in. ORTRON follows, then the DOCTOR with SARAH and THALIRA'S handmaiden bringing up the rear. As she walks towards the throne, THALIRA harangues her High Priest.) THALIRA: The Doctor and his companion have been most barbarously treated. The behaviour of our chancellor was unforgivable. ORTRON: Your Majesty... THALIRA: (Interrupts, shouting.) You appealed to the judgement of Aggedor! Now you shall accept it. The Doctor is vindicated. (ORTRON flinches his eyes and bows.) ORTRON: With your Majesty's permission. (He turns and stops before the DOCTOR and SARAH. With ill-concealed grave, he stares at them and walks from the room. THALIRA smiles and speaks to the guards and her handmaiden who carries a tray of drinks.) THALIRA: Chairs and refreshments for our guests. (The guards bring a chair for THALIRA and stools for the DOCTOR and SARAH forward.) THALIRA: You will please accept our apologies. DOCTOR: Well, not at all, your Majesty. In fact I was delighted to meet Aggedor again. THALIRA: You may sit. DOCTOR: Thank you. (They all sit and the handmaiden hands round horned cups of drinks and small eats.) THALIRA: Now, what did you discover in your investigation at the mines? DOCTOR: Well, that the miners are on the point of armed rebellion, your Majesty, and that Gebek is your only hope. He's a moderate - civil war's the last thing that he wants. SARAH: Well what about Ettis? DOCTOR: Yes, that's the trouble. Ettis has scored a considerable success with that attack of his on the armoury. Now all the young hotheads are keen to follow him. THALIRA: What should we do? DOCTOR: Send for Gebek at once, your Majesty. Promise him a better way of life for his miners and see that they get it. That will cut the ground from under Ettis' feet. THALIRA: But Ortron says it is wrong to give in to the miners - that they will want more and more. SARAH: But don't you see, your Majesty? Ortron just wants to make sure that the benefits of joining the Federation go to him and his aristocratic friends. DOCTOR: You've got to convince your people that the Federation means a better way of life for everybody - not just for a few nobles at court. (THALIRA stands and paces. The DOCTOR and SARAH also stand respectfully.) THALIRA: I will try your plan, Doctor. Can you get a message to Gebek for me? DOCTOR: I'll do my best, your Majesty. THALIRA: Tell him to come to the citadel and...meet with me in secret. I would hear the grievances of his people...and do my best to remedy them. DOCTOR: Thank you, your Majesty. THALIRA: Go as quickly as you can. DOCTOR: I'll just have quick word with the Ambassador and then I'll be off. (He turns for the door and hands back his drink to the handmaiden. SARAH does the same but...) DOCTOR: Sarah, why don't you, er, why don't you stay and have a few words with the Queen? I have an idea you could give her some good advice. SARAH: Oh... (He leaves. The Queen looks puzzled and a little haughty.) THALIRA: What advice did the Doctor mean? SARAH: Well, it's going to be rather difficult to explain but I think he was referring to women's lib. THALIRA: And what's that? SARAH: Women's liberation, your Majesty. On Earth it means...well, very briefly, it means that we women don't let men push us around. THALIRA: (Puzzled.) It's not like that on Peladon. The ruler is always a man. I was only crowned because my father had no son. It's Ortron who holds the real power. SARAH: Well, only if you let him. You've just got to stand up for yourself. THALIRA: It would be different if I was a man. But I'm only a girl. SARAH: (Smiles.) Now just a minute! There's nothing "only" about being a girl, your Majesty. Never mind why they made you a Queen, the fact is you are the Queen, so...just you jolly well let them know it! [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. MINE TUNNEL (GEBEK has caught up with the miners and is trying to make them see reason but ETTIS has other ideas.) ETTIS: Capture the citadel! Force the Queen to agree to all our demands! (There are cries of "yes!" from the other miners.) ETTIS: Expel the aliens from the planet! GEBEK: Do you think you can fight the whole of the Galactic Federation with a handful of stolen weapons? ETTIS: And what's your advice, Gebek - more waiting? GEBEK: The Federation must have the trisilicate. If we refuse to work, they will put pressure on Ortron to grant our demands. ETTIS: Nonsense, Gebek. They don't need us. The Federation will import alien workers and mine the ore with their new machines. (The other mines cry out "That's right!" GEBEK looks concerned.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (In the communications room, the DOCTOR has learned of the plea for help to the Federation from ALPHA CENTAURI...) DOCTOR: What on Peladon possessed you to do a thing like that? ALPHA CENTAURI: It seemed the advisable course of action, Doctor. Eckersley agreed. DOCTOR: Yes, well Eckersley should have had more sense. (SARAH walks in.) SARAH: Oh, Doctor, I thought you... DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) Yes, in a minute, Sarah. (To CENTAURI.) Sending for Federation troops is the one thing that is certain to make things worse. Well, I only hope I can get things sorted out before they arrive. (He turns for the door.) SARAH: Ah, before you go, Doctor, you know when I was looking for you and got lost in the tunnels? DOCTOR: Yes? SARAH: Well, I landed up at the refinery by mistake. ALPHA CENTAURI: She triggered off the automatic security system. SARAH: Yes, but before all that - I saw someone in the refinery. ALPHA CENTAURI: A hallucination caused by the effect of the alarm system. SARAH: No, no, it was before all that started. Now listen - whoever's faking Aggedor would need a lot of technological equipment, right? DOCTOR: Yes...and a very considerable power source too. SARAH: Well, there's all of that in the refinery. ALPHA CENTAURI: But Eckersley says the refinery is empty. SARAH: Empty as far as he knows, but suppose somebody's in there? The place isn't in use - it'd make the perfect hideout. (The DOCTOR thinks. Behind them, ORTRON and a guard appear in the doorway.) DOCTOR: Yes, well it's certainly worth investigating. But first I've got to contact Gebek. (He heads for the door but, having heard this last comment, ORTRON walks in.) ORTRON: Contact Gebek? You intend to contact your rebel friends. You may have deceived the Queen but you have not deceived me. You will remain in the citadel until my investigations into your background are complete. DOCTOR: Oh, come on, Ortron, get out of my way. (The DOCTOR tries to leave but the guard pushes him back.) ORTRON: You have the freedom of the citadel, Doctor. Be thankful you are not in a prison. (He walks out. The guard sheathes his sword menacingly and follows him.) SARAH: Pompous old idiot! (The DOCTOR hastily signals her to be quiet.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. PASSAGE OUTSIDE COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (ORTRON and the guard hide in an alcove and wait.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (Still signalling SARAH to keep quiet, the DOCTOR looks out into the passageway. He thinks that all is clear.) DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Right, I'll be off. SARAH: (Quietly.) Good luck, Doctor. DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Bye. (He waves to her and walks out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. PASSAGE OUTSIDE COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (He looks round carefully and walks off in the opposite direction from ORTRON and the guard. However, they follow him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (SARAH and ALPHA CENTAURI see them pass the door in pursuit. Alarmed, SARAH goes to the door, signals to CENTAURI to remain and pursues the pursuers.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. PASSAGE (The DOCTOR reaches the tapestry covering to the secret entrance. He checks round then pulls it back. A guard with his sword drawn is on the other side of the covering and he leaps out. At the same time, the guard with ORTRON comes from the other direction, surrounding the DOCTOR.) ORTRON: (OOV: Down passage.) You were warned, Doctor. (The High Priest walks forward.) ORTRON: You were ordered to stay in the citadel. You have disobeyed my command. (To the guards.) Take him to the dungeons. DOCTOR: You're making a very grave mistake, Ortron. ORTRON: Am I, Doctor? (To the guards.) Carry on. (The DOCTOR is led away. ORTRON heads in the other direction, walking straight past another wallcovering behind which SARAH is hidden. She steps out and goes to the tapestry covering that she saw the DOCTOR about to go through. Taking her cue from the torch bracket in the temple, she lifts the similar bracket in the passage and heads through the entrance behind the tapestry.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. TUNNEL (She quickly looks round for the similar bracket on the other side of the door. Spotting it, she closes the door and heads off into the tunnels.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. MINE TUNNEL (Hidden behind a ledge, GEBEK, ETTIS and other miners watch as ECKERSLEY leads two guards in moving the recovered sonic lance.) ECKERSLEY: Right, bring it onto here - pointing that way. ETTIS: (To GEBEK, whispering.) What is he doing? GEBEK: (Whispers.) Preparing to take it back to the citadel, I think. ETTIS: (Whispers.) He's left it a bit late. GEBEK: (Whispers.) Get down. Someone's coming. (It is SARAH who walks up to ECKERSLEY as he adjusts the lance.) ECKERSLEY: What are you doing here? SARAH: The Doctor thinks the rebels are going to try and capture the lance. ECKERSLEY: Well, there's no sign of them so far. (SARAH looks round. ETTIS grows impatient.) ETTIS: What are we...waiting for, Gebek? Let's attack. GEBEK: Just, er...just wait a minute. (He takes one of the stolen guns from one of the miners and moves off quietly.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. THRONE ROOM (ALPHA CENTAURI has an audience with the Queen...) ALPHA CENTAURI: I wish to protest most strongly against the arrest of the Doctor. ORTRON: He was ordered to stay in the citadel. He chose to disobey. THALIRA: Chancellor Ortron, you have again exceeded your authority. We ordered that the Doctor be allowed to continue his investigation. ORTRON: But your Majesty, I myself heard him say that he intended to contact the rebel Gebek. ALPHA CENTAURI: The Doctor is under the protection of the Federation. ORTRON: Is he indeed, Ambassador? Tell me - has he any official rank or position within the Federation? ALPHA CENTAURI: The Doctor's position is unique. ORTRON: Then you can produce his official Federation identity record. (CENTAURI hesitates...) ALPHA CENTAURI: Well... (He coughs in embarrassment.) ALPHA CENTAURI: As a matter of fact, he...seems to be untraceable at the moment. ORTRON: You see, your Majesty? A nameless alien who does not officially exist. ALPHA CENTAURI: But we have chosen to give him our friendship and protection, Ortron. ORTRON: (Quietly.) Then it is the duty of her Majesty's servants to protect her from her errors. The Doctor will remain imprisoned where he can do no further harm, and I shall give orders for the arrest of his female companion. THALIRA: (Shouts.) No, Ortron, that you will not! The girl, Sarah, will remain at liberty. ORTRON: As your Majesty wishes. Since she is only a female, her activities are of little importance. (He bows before his angry Queen.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. MINE TUNNEL (ECKERSLEY finishes his adjustments to the sonic lance.) ECKERSLEY: Right, let's get this thing back to the citadel. (ETTIS stands, aims and shoots one of the guards in the back. The other guards turn to fight.) ECKERSLEY: Quick, Sarah, here - down! (SARAH joins ECKERSLEY in hiding behind the sonic lance. The other guards are easily dispatched by the Federation weapons. ECKERSLEY switches on the lance with a degree of bloodlust.) ECKERSLEY: Now we'll show them! (The lance powers up and a section of the rock wall near to the rebel miners explodes, denting their triumph. Before any further action can be taken, GEBEK steps up behind ECKERSLEY with his gun raised.) GEBEK: Eckersley, move away from that lance. ECKERSLEY: It was worth a try. (ECKERSLEY moves away from the controls and SARAH steps up to GEBEK.) SARAH: I've a message for you - from the Doctor. The Queen has agreed to meet you in secret. GEBEK: It may be difficult. I'll come to the citadel when I can. ECKERSLEY: What are you gonna do with us, Gebek? GEBEK: Nothing - you can go. (ETTIS runs forward.) ETTIS: No! What are you doing? Kill them! GEBEK: There's been too much killing. (To ECKERSLEY.) Now go. ECKERSLEY: I'm taking that machine with me. SARAH: Don't argue! Let's go while we still can. (SARAH pulls him away.) ETTIS: You should have killed them! You're too weak, Gebek. GEBEK: And you are a fool. Now take that machine away. I've got things to do. (He walks off watched by a smouldering ETTIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. THRONE ROOM (SARAH and ECKERSLEY have gone to the throne room to report this latest development.) ORTRON: And now the rebels have the sonic lance in their hands! ECKERSLEY: There was nothing I could do! I'm sorry, your Majesty, but they had Federation weapons, and your troops didn't. SARAH: That's true. THALIRA: How dangerous is this device? ECKERSLEY: Well, if it's properly handled and at full power, it's capable of destroying the entire citadel. (This revelation causes shock...) SARAH: What? ORTRON: Why weren't we told this before?! ALPHA CENTAURI: It would be an unhappy admission to make when the Federation troops arrive! (THALIRA suddenly stands.) THALIRA: Federation troops? ORTRON: We want no alien troops on Peladon! ALPHA CENTAURI: Forgive me, your Majesty, I should have informed you earlier, but the situation had become so bad that I felt forced to send for help. SARAH: Well can't you send them back? ALPHA CENTAURI: Once security troops are summoned, they cannot be recalled. (SARAH thinks.) SARAH: Well what'll make them pack up and go away again? (ORTRON looks puzzled and surprised at this question.) ORTRON: Go away? SARAH: Yes, well, don't you see? Since the troops are coming, the thing to do is get rid of them as soon as possible. We must make them go away. THALIRA: (Encouraging.) Go on, Sarah. SARAH: Well, they'll only go if it looks as if there's no need for them. (Smiles.) Now, if everything was running smoothly... [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. DUNGEON (The DOCTOR sits on a bunk behind bars in an alcove of the dungeon. The GUARD CAPTAIN sits nearby sharpening his sword on a stone.) DOCTOR: Guard? (The GUARD CAPTAIN ignores him. The DOCTOR stands and goes to the bars.) DOCTOR: Guard, could I have a glass of water, please? (The GUARD CAPTAIN puts down the stone and goes to the bars. As he pours the water, the DOCTOR reaches out and tries to take the key from a hook on the guard's belt. The CAPTAIN notices and swings round with a cry and his sword raised.) DOCTOR: Now, now, now, no need to be aggressive! There's no harm in trying, is there? (The CAPTAIN walks away.) DOCTOR: Look, what about my glass of water? (The CAPTAIN returns, pours the beaker of water back into the jug and walks off again with a look at the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Good health! [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. PASSAGE OUTSIDE THRONE ROOM (The doors to the throne room open and ECKERSLEY walks out and off. ALPHA CENTAURI and SARAH follow.) ALPHA CENTAURI: A most excellent scheme, Sarah - worthy of the Doctor himself. SARAH: Yeah, even old Ortron seems pretty keen on it. He doesn't want Federation troops here any more than we do. I'll see you. ALPHA CENTAURI: Where are you going, Sarah? SARAH: To try and find this dungeon where they're holding the Doctor. (She walks off. CENTAURI calls after her.) ALPHA CENTAURI: You should use the proper procedures! [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. PASSAGE (GEBEK'S head appears round the edge of the tapestry covering the secret entrance. He looks round and steps out. He walks a small way down the passage then, hearing a noise, hides. SARAH walks round the corner and into the miner.) SARAH: Oh! Gebek! GEBEK: Shh! (He looks round.) SARAH: (Whispers.) How did you get here? GEBEK: (Quietly.) There are many secret ways into this citadel. Well where's the Doctor? SARAH: (Quietly.) Ortron's had him locked up. I must find him! GEBEK: (Quietly.) I know where they'll be keeping him - in the lower dungeons. SARAH: Right - let's go and get him out. GEBEK: Oh, no. No, you must return to the others, or they'll get suspicious. SARAH: (Quietly.) Yeah, but what about the Doctor? GEBEK: (Quietly.) Leave that to me. SARAH: You're sure? (GEBEK nods.) SARAH: Okay. (SARAH moves off. GEBEK checks round and does the same.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. DUNGEON (The DOCTOR is amusing himself with a sleight of hand magic trick with a coin. The GUARD CAPTAIN gets up and moves to the jug of water and pours a cup.) DOCTOR: Ah, my glass of water at last, eh? (GEBEK walks quietly into the dungeon and peers round a corner. The GUARD CAPTAIN is drinking the water himself with his back to the new arrival. The DOCTOR sees GEBEK and shakes his head at him to get back out of sight. The CAPTAIN finishes his drink and is about to return to his place but the DOCTOR gets quickly to his feet.) DOCTOR: I say, guard, erm, oh, er, have you seen this? (He holds up the coin.) DOCTOR: Watch very closely. See the coin? Watch. (The DOCTOR makes to snatch the coin and throw it into the air. He then taps his own head and produces the coin on the tip of his tongue. The GUARD CAPTAIN looks amazed.) DOCTOR: It's rather good, innit? Would you like to try it? (GEBEK walks up behind the CAPTAIN.) DOCTOR: Ah, there you are, Gebek. (The CAPTAIN turns...) GUARD CAPTAIN: Hey you! (...and is felled by a blow to the jaw.) GUARD CAPTAIN: Ooh! DOCTOR: Well done. Get his keys. (GEBEK does so and starts to unlock the bars.) GEBEK: Soon have you out of there, Doctor. (The barred door is opened and the DOCTOR steps out.) DOCTOR: Give me the keys. GEBEK: Yep. I'll just tuck him in here. (GEBEK drags the CAPTAIN into the cell.) GEBEK: He won't make such a...mess then. (GEBEK dumps the unconscious GUARD CAPTAIN on the floor of the cell. He steps out and the DOCTOR shuts and locks the door.) GEBEK: (Quietly.) Sarah told me the Queen wants to see me. DOCTOR: (Quietly.) That'll have to wait for a while. Ortron's on the warpath. GEBEK: (Quietly.) Well what now then? DOCTOR: (Quietly.) I'd like you to take me to the Federation refinery. From what Sarah tells me, there's something singularly suspicious going on down there. GEBEK: (Whispers.) Alright, this way, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. CAVE OPPOSITE CITADEL (ETTIS and the miners have wheeled the sonic lance through the tunnels to a cave which overlooks the citadel of Peladon on an opposite mountain. The lance is pointed at the citadel.) ETTIS: Eckersley has given us a fine weapon. From here we dominate the citadel! [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. TUNNEL (GEBEK and the DOCTOR make their way down a tunnel.) GEBEK: If Federation troops land, Doctor, my people will fight - I promise you. DOCTOR: Well I believe you, Gebek. That's why we've got to expose this Aggedor trickery before they arrive. (GEBEK hears something ahead and holds the DOCTOR back.) DOCTOR: What is it? GEBEK: Someone coming. DOCTOR: Over there. (They hide behind a ledge of rock and watch as a troop of miners with picks and shovels move through the tunnels, escorted by two guards.) GEBEK: They must be mad. My miners won't work with guards standing over them. DOCTOR: Yes, quite so, old chap, but still, we...we've got to think of first things first, eh? Come on, let's get on. (They move down the tunnel that the miners came from.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (In the communications room, ALPHA CENTAURI receives a message from a Federation trooper who speaks in a whispering breathless voice. SARAH and ECKERSLEY listen in...) VOICE: (Over radio.) Our ship is now in orbit over the planet Peladon. Preliminary detachments will land by scout craft close to the citadel. ALPHA CENTAURI: (Into microphone.) Your message is received and understood. We await your arrival. SARAH: Well, they're on their way. ECKERSLEY: Yes. I don't see how you can hope to fool them for long. SARAH: Well, with any luck they won't be here for long - that's the whole idea. ALPHA CENTAURI: Long enough, I hope, to force Chancellor Ortron to release the Doctor from the dungeon. (SARAH hesitates and smiles.) SARAH: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (GEBEK and the DOCTOR approach the door to the refinery.) GEBEK: I think this is the place, Doctor, but be careful - there is evil here. DOCTOR: What? GEBEK: Well several of my people have been attacked by magic, and their minds destroyed. DOCTOR: Yes, well, don't worry, old chap. It's Eckersley's patent alarm system. I'll deal with the magic before we start. (He looks round and spots a locked junction box set into the tunnel wall next to the door.) DOCTOR: Yes, that'll be it. (He takes out his sonic screwdriver, switches it on and the locking nut in the box starts to unscrew.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM ECKERSLEY: What's Gebek and Ettis and that little lot up to, eh? That's what's worrying me. And where's the sonic lance? SARAH: I don't know. Maybe they just wanted to stop you using it? ECKERSLEY: Yes, maybe. I think I'll just check the area again. (ECKERSLEY starts to looks over camera images from all over the citadel and surrounding tunnels, including the temple.) ALPHA CENTAURI: I estimate that the Federation troops will be here at almost any moment. (The image changes to one of the miners in a tunnel with their guards. ORTRON steps up to them.) ECKERSLEY: Ah, there's Ortron arriving now. SARAH: I only hope he can get the miners to cooperate. (The image is changed to a passage in the citadel, a tunnel and then a view of the DOCTOR opening the junction box with GEBEK watching. ECKERSLEY sits up in alarm.) ECKERSLEY: Hey, the old devil's on the loose! SARAH: (Smiles.) Well, well, well! ECKERSLEY: And that's Gebek with him. What are those two up to? ALPHA CENTAURI: I fear your suspicions were correct after all, Eckersley. SARAH: Uh, what? ALPHA CENTAURI: It appears that he has gone over to the rebel side completely. SARAH: Oh, don't be so ridiculous! ECKERSLEY: Oh, has he? Right! We'll see about that! (He heads for the door but SARAH stands in his way.) SARAH: No, please! You mustn't interfere! No, it isn't sabotage, I promise you. ECKERSLEY: Then what's he up to, eh?! (He tries to push his way past her but SARAH stands her ground.) SARAH: No! Alright, alright. We think the Aggedor trick is being worked from the refinery. (ECKERSLEY smiles.) ECKERSLEY: Well, of all the daft ideas. (He returns silently to the console.) SARAH: No...well, someone is hiding down there without your knowing. Look, if we're wrong, they'll be no harm done. Now don't worry, the Doctor won't damage your precious machinery. (ECKERSLEY looks as if a thousand thoughts are passing through his mind...) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. MINE TUNNEL (ORTRON is attempting to address the miners but they are all talking at once.) GUARD CAPTAIN: (Shouts.) Silence! ORTRON: (Shouts.) Unfortunately, Federation troops, as a result of the recent violence, are about to land on this planet. MINER: (Shouts.) Don't think that'll save ya! (Several other miners yell out in similar fashion.) ORTRON: (Shouts.) I didn't send for them. I don't want them here any more than you do. But they're coming, and we cannot fight them. Now our only hope is to convince them that their presence here is not needed, and the way to do that, is to return the mines to working order. (The miners, unconvinced, mutter between themselves.) ORTRON: Now I appeal to you for the sake of Peladon, go back to work...then when the Federation troops have gone, they'll be a fair hearing for all your complaints. SECOND MINER: Shall we give it a chance? MINER: Alright, Chancellor, we'll trust you this time. ORTRON: Thank you, men of Peladon. I'm glad that good sense has prevailed. (The miners walk off to begin their task. As the go down the tunnel, the image of the royal beast suddenly materialises in front of them. They cry out and run off in alarm but the spirit spits out its deadly heat ray, catching one miner who is vapourised into nothingness.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (GEBEK hears the miner's cries and runs to the DOCTOR who has the junction box open and is re-fixing the wires within.) GEBEK: Doctor? Can you hear? Back there - down the mine! DOCTOR: Yes, yes, stop worrying. I've just got one more connection to make. [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. MINE TUNNEL (Screaming, both guards and miners run at full tilt down a tunnel.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY GEBEK: They're coming this way, Doctor! (The DOCTOR wraps two wires together and within the junction box, a red and orange light both flash.) DOCTOR: That should do it. It should open now. (They turn to the refinery door. It opens - and an armed Ice Warrior steps out!)

The Doctor and Sarah pacify Aggedor and the Doctor encourages the Queen to make peace with the miners, but Ortron soon has him under arrest again.

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_03x17

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_03x17_0

[Scene: Inside Pacey's Father's Car. Pacey is driving Joey to the train station for her trip to visit A.J.] Joey: I mean, you never know how things are going to turn out. Pacey: Very true, Potter. Joey: I mean, who would have thought that I'd actually be able to use those dance lessons. Pacey: There's going to be dancing at this thing? Joey: Yeah. Pacey: I thought you said it was just self congratulatory award giving? Joey: This is a big deal. A.J. is going to be reading his work in front of several very important Alumni. He's the youngest person in his department to win [Reading from the invitation] Pacey: Creative writing award? Joey: Creative writing. Pacey: I'll say. Joey: It's calligraphy. Pacey: It's pretentious You know what, don't mind me. Just have a good time this weekend. Joey: [confused] I will. You know, this could be the most romantic night of my life. I mean, it's not every day that I get invited to elegant dinners with distinguished guests, accompanied by a friend who Pacey: Friend? Is that what you and A.J. are? Joey: What? A.J. and I are It's none of your business what A.J. and I are. Pacey: A.J. and you are friends who kiss. Joey: Pacey, look long distance relationships don't necessarily follow the same rules and definitions as regular relationships. Pacey: No, they don't and that's why they're perfect for you. Cause they are not real. Joey: What does that suppose to mean? [They arrive at the train station and get out of the car. Pacey gets Joey's bag out of the back for her.] Pacey: Don't you see? Little scrubber girl Joey gets to put on a pretty dress and go to the ball with college prince charming. That's not real. It's a fairy tale. Joey: Say what you will, but fairy tale or not, I still feel what I feel. Pacey: What I'm saying is, all you have here is an eyes closed wish. Joey: Sometimes wishes come true. Pacey: Yes, sometimes wishes do come true. Sometimes even in unexpected places. But reality always finds a way of creeping back in, Jo. The clock inevitably strikes midnight. There's pumpkin city. The fantasy fades. Joey: Try to have a good weekend, Pacey. Thanks for the ride. [Joey walks into the train station as Pacey just watches her go.] Pacey: Have a good time. [Scene: Inside the New Restaurant. There are a lot of people running around trying to get everything done before the restaurant opens next week. Dawson is sitting at the bar working on something when Gail comes up from behind him.] Gail: We could have a winner here. Dawson: I certainly hope you're right. Gail: Why, just because my restaurant opens in less than a week and I still haven't found a chef? Dawson: Or waiters, or menus. Gail: What, the menus still haven't arrived from the printers? Dawson: We sent them back yesterday, remember? We were selling $2200 over price for scampi. Gail: Alright, you just keep screening applicants for my wait staff. Hopefully we have found out kitchen talent. This chowder smells amazing. [They both sample some of the chowder, and both make a face] What do you think? Dawson: Look, I don't know fine food, but I know enough to tell you that this sucks. Gail: Mmm, are you sure we just don't want to steal Bodie from the Potter's? Dawson: Not unless we decide that Bessie and Alexander don't need a home and that I don't need Joey as a friend. Gail: Chowder isn't easy to master. Here, try his breaded [missed word]. It looks great. I gotta get off to the printer. Oh, and honey don't worry, everything's gonna be fine. [She leaves. Andie and Jack walk into the restaurant and up to Dawson] Andie: Hey. Dawson: Hey, thanks so much for picking up the sign. I really appreciate it. [He holds up the sign, but it has no name on it, only a fish painted on it.] Jack: Yeah well, unfortunately this may exasperate the insanity. Andie: Unless of course you wanna keep the place a secret. Dawson: What happened? Jack: Well, the guy told your mom he had to have the name by today. He's already got another job. Dawson: I thought it was 'The Fish Bistro'? Andie: Dawson, a woman has the right to change her mind. Dawson: Yeah, but not this late in the game. Andie: Well, uh, okay, so the restaurant could be like one of those hip, no name clubs. You know, too cool to have a name. Chef: Excuse please? I look for restaurant of fish. I am trying out for chowder man. Dawson: [to Jack and Andie] You guys hungry? [Scene: Inside the Mentor Office. Pacey is there talking with the councelor that is setting him up with his new mentor child. ] Pacey: So who is this kid worthy of being a Witter mentee? Councilor: Someone your school administration and I thought would be appropriate. Pacey: How exactly do you guys go about making that determination? Councilor: You'll see. If there are any problems I can always assign you to someone else. Pacey: I think I'll probably be able to handle a 9-year-old, thanks. Councilor: [opening a door to a room. A short, blonde kid with an 8 pound head sits inside] Buzz Thompson? Meet Pacey Witter. [They exit the office and enter a room where a Buzz is sitting at a table playing. Pacey goes over to sit with him.] Pacey: Hey, how ya doin' kid? Buzz: How old are you? Pacey: 16. How old are you? Buzz: You have a 5 o'clock shadow. Pacey: Well, I'm mature. Buzz: Is that what you call it? Pacey: I get it, you're a smart ass. That's why they put us together, they think I'm a smart ass, too. Buzz: But when they really get to know you, they discover under the rough exterior, lies a vulnerable beating heart. Get real. I'm not like one of those kids on 7th Heaven. And I'm not like you, Pissy. Pacey: Pacey. Buzz: Whatever, Pissy. Pacey: Pacey. And you don't know anything about me, kid. Buzz: I know you think you don't want to be here, but you're just dying to throw your arm around me and have a warm and fuzzy. Well, don't bother, cause you're gonna be back here trying to get rid of me. I give you 48 hours, kid. [Scene: Inside the Boston train station. Joey has just gotten off the train and is looking for AJ, when she noptices someone holding up a sign that says Potter, Joseph. She goes over to the person holding the sign, but is surprised to find it is a woman holding it.] Joey: Hi, I'm Joey Potter. Morgan: Of course you are. Joey: And you are? Morgan: I'm Morgan. I am A.J.'s oldest friend. Joey: Oh. Where's A.J.? Morgan: The jumpy boy is still trying to decide on what to read for tomorrow night. Joey: Why do I feel like I fell asleep on the train and suddenly woke up the protagonist in a Kafka story. Morgan: Well, there's the wit just like he said. Joey: The wit? Morgan: The famous Potter wit. He's told me all about you. Artist, political agitator. And a size 8 foot. [hands her a pair of rollerblades] Put these one, we're going to go blading. Joey: Thanks. [Scene: Inside the Capeside Arcade. Buzz and Pacey are walking through it.] Buzz: Is this the fun part? Is this the part where we're having fun? Or did I blink and miss it? Pacey: You know, you got me, man. I don't want to be here anymore than you do. I got stuck with you, but this still doesn't have to be so horrible. Buzz: Here comes the honesty. Next is the intimacy. Pacey: What exactly do you want? Buzz: Let me make this easy for you. Read my lips. Pikachu! Pacey: You want something that has to be treated with antibiotics. Buzz: Man, your generation is so out of it. Pokemon, you putz. Pacey: I knew that. Buzz: I got Alacazam through Menapaws, but I'm in serious in need of Appalrapter. There's a vendor right over there. Pacey: You gotta be kidding me, man. There is no way I'm spending 20 bucks on a Japanese trading card. Buzz: You have a serious problem with anger. I hope the Capeside mentoring program knows who I'm dealing with here. Pacey: Okay, if I buy you the stupid card, would you shut up for two seconds? Please? Buzz: Mmm-hmm Pacey: Okay, here [handing him some coins] take these, go whack some moles and stay out of trouble. Buzz: Whatever, Pissy. [to some kids in front of the 'Whack-a-Mole' game] You guys playing? [A little later, pacey hears a commotion coming from the area he left Buzz. He runs over to find Buzz trying to hit some of the kids with the mallet from the Whack-a-Mole game.] Pacey: Hey! Hey! What the hell's going on over here? What are you doing? Boy1: He hit me in the head with the mallet! Boy2: He poked me right in the nose. Buzz: They tried to push me on my game. Pacey: Okay, that's it. [Pacey picks Buzz up and carries him off] You're done. No more decisions for you [Scene: Inside a Boston Restaurant. A.J. sits at a table writing when Morgan approaches and sits.] Morgan: Hey. A.J.: Hey. Where's Joey? Morgan: I showed her around town, just like you asked. A.J.: You didn't [Joey comes rolling in, still on her blades. A.J. helps her to sit down next to him.] A.J.: Joey, good to see you. Joey: Hey A.J.: How was your trip? Joey: It was a trip. A.J.: I'm so sorry that I wasn't there to meet you, but I still haven't picked a reading for tomorrow. Do you hate me? Joey: [mockingly] Completely. A.J.: Hi. [A.J. leans over and kisses her] Morgan: Good God, get a room. A.J.: I hope she didn't totally wear you out. Joey: No, it was actually very informative. I had no idea that the Charles river ran through so much of the city. A.J.: You took her on the Charles river circuit? Morgan: She did better than you! A.J.: I'm sorry, I asked her to pick you up, not take you on an endurance test. Morgan: Oh, you're threatened. He can't blade to save his life and if any time a girl shows greater skill than him, he gets totally threatened. A.J.: What?! Joey: How long have you guys known each other? Morgan: Pretty much since we were Zygotes. A.J.: Morgan and I grew up together, same time, same high school Joey: Same college? Morgan: Actually, I got bored with this geek and I decided to make some new friends. So I went to school last semester at . Joey: I've always wanted to study in Paris. [Morgan and A.J. talk to each other in French.] Joey: Sorry, my French isn't very good. A.J.: Morgan likes to embarrass me, so I'm not letting you two hang out together anymore. Morgan: See, threatened. A.J.: Don't let the friendly banter fool you, Joey. We really can't stand each other. Morgan: You know, you were all he wrote about in his letters to me. Joey: Really? Morgan: I bet he never told you a thing about me. Well, I can see that you two need some time together. [she gets up to leave] A.J.: Thank you. At least you can take a hint. Morgan: Joey, I'm glad that you're here. I was beginning to think that you were one of his fantasies. A.J.: Nope, she's real. Told you. Morgan: Yeah, flesh and blood. Joey: That's me. Joey Potter, flesh and blood. [Scene: Inside the new Restaurant. Andie and Jack are sitting at a table testing all the food from the various chefs who are trying out for the position. Dawson walks up to the table with another tray.] Dawson: Here's another one. He says his Spanish mackerel quiche is world famous. Does anybody have any idea what that is? Andie: You don't want to know. Jack: The lady who did the cod flamb , that was my favorite. Dawson: Yeah, she was a gem, huh? You should see the kitchen ceiling, it's covered in tiny, burnt fish bones. Jack: Your mom needs some serious help, man. Andie: I want to know what rock these people have been cooking under. [Jen enters the restaurant and walks up to them.] Jen: Hi guys. Andie: Hey! Jack: Hey, Jen. Dawson: Dude, I know you. You, you were at a rally, right? No, or was it the hacki-sack circuit of Capefest? Jen: Very funny. Yeah, I know I've been a little out of circulation lately. Spending most of my time with Henry. Andie: Ooh! [Dawson walks over to sign a delivery slip and Jen follows him.] Dawson: That's understandable. I think there's a 6 week Honeymoon period you go through whenever you get into a new relationship. Jen: Well, yeah, but then you wake up one day, you realize you got the relationship, but not much else. Dawson: Well, if you're need of sustenance, you've come to the right place. Jen: Actually, I was thinking about serving said sustenance. Dawson: Jen Lindley wants to be a waitress? Jen: Yeah, I think it would be a great way to meet new people, I could earn enough tip money to occasionally take Henry out, and I'm tired of living off my Grams. Dawson: Okay. As you can see my mom is in immediate need of assistance. [a loud crash comes from the kitchen] How soon could you start? [Scene: Inside A.J.'s Dorm Room. Joey is sitting on the bed while A.J. is trying to clean the cut on her knee, which she got during her blading escapade.] A.J.: Can you believe that I haven't been able to decide on a reading for tomorrow? I mean, it's only the most important opportunity of my lifetime. What's wrong with me? Joey: She's pretty? A.J.: Who? Joey: Morgan? She's really pretty and so smart. A.J.: Yeah, real smart. [A.J. put's some medication on her knee.] Joey: Oww. A.J.: Sorry. Joey: A.J, why didn't you tell me about her? A.J.: I don't know, I mean I guess we have so little time together, I'd just concentrate on the big things. Joey: You don't think one of your oldest friends is big enough thing to tell me about? A.J.: Yeah, but I mean, how much do you talk to me about your friends? Joey: I guess you're right. A.J.: So, I'm trying to decide on something I did more recently, or maybe one of my older pieces. I don't know. Joey: Did you two ever date? A.J.: Joey, look, I promise you, you have nothing to worry about. Joey: Oww. A.J.: Sorry, damn this stuff. I just want to make sure that no foreign elements get into your hemoglobin. Because that's the part of the blood that transports your Joey: I know what that is. A.J.: Sorry. You know, I know something that might work better than this. [he kisses her knee] Is that better? [he kisses her knee again] Joey: Well, see now I'm feeling a little light headed. A.J.: Really? Joey: Yeah, I don't think my hemoglobin is transporting enough oxygen through my body. A.J.: Well, that could be a problem. [They kiss. Suddenly Morgan Comes bursting into the room.] Morgan: I was thinking [seeing that they were kissing] Oh, I guess you guys got that room. [Morgan goes to leave] A.J.: No, wait, what were you thinking? Morgan: I was thinking, 'Arthur'. You know, go with the nature of [missed word, love?] A.J.: You don't think it's too old? Joey: Arthur? Morgan: They already know your new stuff. They want to know where it comes from. I say be honest and show them your roots. A.J.: You're right. Yeah, that's a great idea. Morgan: [noticing his clothes hanging] What's up with the double-breasted jacket and the bow tie? You win an award and suddenly you turn Ralph Lauren on us? A.J.: No, I just want to look respectful, what's wrong with that? Morgan: It'll take a lot more than a boring jacket. Why not just be yourself? Khaki's, sweater, loafers, that's you. [to Joey] Oh, and I have something for you. [She grabs Joey's hand and drags her after her out of the room] Joey: [to A.J.] Oh, be right back. [to Morgan] Who's Arthur? [Scene: By Pacey's Boat. Pacey and Buzz are here, where Pacey has brought Buzz to see his boat. Pacey is carrying a bucket and a brush.] Buzz: You can't make me do this. Pacey: The hell I can. Buzz: This is slave labor. Pacey: Can you do anything besides whine, kid? Buzz: I can write letters. Pacey: You can paint. Watch and learn, alright? It's up, and then down, and then up, and then down. You got it? Buzz: You ever heard the expression 'don't go against the grain'? Pacey: Who on earth got you to sit still long enough to teach you how to paint? Buzz: My dad. Pacey: Really? Where's your dad now? Buzz: Somewhere in the Atlantic. Pacey: Oh yeah? Your dad's a sailor? Buzz: Nope, fish food. Scattered his ashes off Nantucket. Where's yours? Pacey: Uh, my dad? He's probably hanging up his holster right about now. Buzz: A cop! That explains your authority issues. Pacey: I don't have authority issues. Buzz: Issues, issues, issues. Pacey: I don't have issues, okay? Buzz: Look at how you handed me at the arcade. Pacey: You got into a fight. You're gonna have to learn that there are better ways to handle confrontation like that than playing 'Whack a kid'. Buzz: Okay, mentor. How'd you get into this stupid program? Pacey: [whispering] I hit a guy. Buzz: What? Pacey: I hit a guy. Buzz: That's it, I'm out of here. Pacey: Hey, come back here. HEY! Come back here! Buzz: Or what, you'll whack me upside the head? [He runs away from Pacey and Pacey chases after him.] Pacey: You little rat! Buzz: Help! Help! Child abuse! Let go of me you hypocritical maniac! [Scene: Inside Morgan's Dorm Room. Joey is sitting on Morgan's bed while Morgan is looking through some boxes of clothes.] Morgan: His father's name is Arthur, so they named him Arthur Jr. That's what the A.J. stands for. Joey: I can't believe he never told me. Morgan: You would have gotten it eventually. Joey: [pointing to a picture on the wall] Who's that? Morgan: A friend. Joey: He's gorgeous. Wow, these drawings are incredible. I can't believe that people just draw these on the sidewalk. Morgan: Actually, sidewalk chalk drawings are a classic Parisian tradition. Joey: Yeah, but who does that kind of work? Morgan: Me. Umm, that one took me 3 days. People just respectfully walked around while I worked. This semester I'm studying photography. I guess I was wanting something more substantial in my life. [hands Joey a coat] Here, take this. Joey: It's beautiful. Morgan: Yeah, well, he may chicken out and not even show up tomorrow night. You know, sometimes you really have to kick his butt. I mean, once I gave him some thick gray crayon paper. Told him he had to fill it up with words before he talked to me. And he didn't talk to me for two weeks! Joey: Wow, there are so many things that I'm learning about him everyday. Morgan: Did you know he likes to eat all the peanuts out of Chex mix? Joey: Really? Morgan: Yeah, he's been banned from social gatherings in over 20 states. Joey: Well, I have been witness to his pasta slurping. Morgan: Oh! Does he still conjugate Latin verbs under his breath when he gets nervous? Joey: Yeah, [Joey speaks some Latin verbs and they both crack up]. Morgan: He's such a mess! Joey: Yeah, but he can kiss. Morgan: Yeah Joey: We don't have to Morgan: Once. Afterwards we felt really weird and silly and, uh, well we just know each other too well. And we have way too many fights. But there's just no mystery. So umm, there's absolutely and positively nothing there. Joey: Do you have any plans for tomorrow night? Morgan: Actually, one of my favorite activities - I'm gonna get the early Sunday times Joey: Come with us. Morgan: That's your thing. Joey: No, you're A.J.'s oldest friend. You should be there. Morgan: Yeah, but you're his girlfriend. Joey: Isn't it possible for the both of us to be a part of A.J.'s life? Morgan: You're alright, Joey Potter. [Scene: Inside the new restaurant. Andie and Jack are getting their coats when Dawson walks in. They look as if they've gone through hell.] Dawson: Hey, you guys are leaving already? Andie: Uh, Dawson, I have eaten so much over the last few hours, I just can't Dawson: Are you sure you don't want to stay, though? We've got a really good feeling about the guys back there now. Jack: Yeah, well, I can still be objective. If this guy is half as bad as the dozen before him Dawson: But he says that Andie: Nope! No, no, no, no! Don't even mention anything that comes from the sea. [Jen walks in with dishes and immediately drops them all to the floor] Jen: Ohhh! Andie: Oh, thank you. Jen: I promise to stop doing this before you guys open. Dawson: Don't worry about it. Gail: Is everything okay? Oh, God, what happened? [Mitch enters the restaurant.] Mitch: Your wait staff is just experiencing the difficulties of proper serving. Gail: Hi. Mitch: Jen, I'd be happy to demonstrate the standard way of carrying a stack. Jen: Oh, thank you, God. Gail: Thanks for the offer, but I think we got it covered. Mitch: Well, okay then, what can I do. Gail: What do you mean? Mitch: Well, I'm here. Reporting for work, as requested. Gail: Who requested that you come to work? [they both look at Dawson] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: On Pacey's Boat. Buzz is on top of the boat cleaning down some rails. Pacey is sitting on a chair by the grill.] Buzz: You know you can't keep treating me this way. There are laws. You have to feed me. [Pacey grabs a hot dog off the little grill and puts it in a bun for him.] Pacey: Here. Buzz: Wiener? Pacey: It's all beef. Buzz: Want to know what part of the beef? Pacey: Come here. Buzz: When are you taking me home? My mother is cooking a meatloaf and mashed potatoes tonight. Pacey: You want to wait for meatloaf and mashed potatoes? Wait. [Pacey continues to clean the True Love plaque] Buzz: Who's the girl? Pacey: What girl? Buzz: The one you named your boat after. Pacey: True Love isn't a person, it's an idea. An unattainable idea. Buzz: Who's the unattainable girl? Pacey: You just love getting under my skin, don't you? Buzz: Have you kissed her? Pacey: I told you, there's no girl. Buzz: Why don't you just kiss her? Pacey: And why don't you just shut your mouth? Buzz: You have no problem taking a swing at a guy, you can't tell a girl how you feel about her. Man, you're pathetic. Pacey: You wanna go home? Buzz: You're bluffing. You need me to finish your boat. Pacey: I don't need you, let's go. Buzz: Bluffing coward! Pacey: Let's go. Buzz: Fine. But tomorrow you better find something creative for me to do, cause I'm not working on your pitiful raft anymore. Pacey: Well, maybe tomorrow I just won't show up. Buzz: Make my day! Loser. [Scene: At the Award Banquet. A.J., Joey and Morgan sit at a table before the ceremony waiting for the ceremony to begin.] A.J.: What am I doing here? I had a good life, good friends. Modest, promising little future teaching at a junior college in a pleasant, suburban town. Announcer: At this time, it is my honor to introduce the young man who made this institution so proud. Tonight he will share with us, his imaginative mind and distinctive voice. A.J.: [to Joey] There's still time, you wanna make a break for the back door with me? Announcer: A.J, come up and share with us. Joey: Too late. A.J.: [at the podium] Greetings. Tonight I'm reminded of F.D.R.'s immortal words, "The only thing we have to fear is fear himself." Of course, F.D.R. never stood up here. [laughter; reading] Silent Dream. It had always seem like a silent dream to her. The many meaningless passings in the hallway. The sense of disconnection from those she supposedly knew so well. When she met him, the boy she'd already known all her life, she realized that love unspoken is the loudest sound of all. And she awoke. [he glances at Morgan, which Joey notices.] Her name was Mary. More than anything, she'd love to read the Sunday Times on Saturday night. [Joey is beginning to realize that the story is about Morgan She starts to feel a little uncomfortable, because it has a deep meaning for both of them.] Mary dated frequently, but sadly, felt her time spent alone was her only shelter from the rain. It seemed no one else noticed [As he reads, his voice gets softer and softer as all this sinks in for Joey.] Her silent dreams gave me courage. Her dance is my freedom [Scene: Inside the Mentoring Office. Pacey is in the office talking to the councilor.] Pacey: The kid hates me. Councilor: Don't take it personally. He's been through 4 mentors in the last year. Pacey: You've been expecting this conversation? Councilor: I had hoped not to have it with you. But I'm not surprised. His mother works all hours. The program isn't really designed to be a cheap babysitting service. Pacey: I tried to do more with that kid than just baby-sit him. Councilor: He has the highest IQ in his class, but he's constantly failing. Can't seem to finish anything he starts. Pacey: Guess that thing with his father really screwed him up. Councilor: Wouldn't it screw you up if your father ran off with a young woman? Pacey: Ran off? Councilor: Started a whole new family. Pacey: In Nantucket. Councilor: Mmm-hmm. That's why he behaves the way he does. He feels rejected. Pacey: Well, I know that feeling. Councilor: So, he tests the people in his life, just to see if they'll come back to him If you'd like, we can reassign you immediately. Pacey: Reassign? You thought I came in here because I couldn't handle the kid? I don't know what kind of problems those other four guys had, but there's not a kid on earth that Pacey Witter can't handle. The only reason I came in here was to ask if I could pick him up early tomorrow. Councilor: Sure. I think we can arrange that. [Scene: Inside the new restaurant. Dawson comes out of the kitchen to the hallway where his mom is working. She comes over to him to talk.] Gail: I'm really angry with you, Dawson. You had no business telling your father that I needed help. Dawson: Mom, you do, Gail: Where did you get a ridiculous idea like that? Dawson: Ridiculous? You mean like the state this place is in right now? Mom, you open in less than a week, and I can't do it all. Gail: I only asked you to screen applicants for my wait staff, oversee some tastings. Dawson: Yeah, things I know nothing about. Gail: Yeah, bringing in my ex-husband certainly isn't the solution. Dawson: Okay, Mom, you and Dad have made it very clear how much you want to be a part of each other's lives. I thought I was confused before. Gail: Dawson, do you want people to tell you how to direct your movies? No, you need people to act in them, light them, take direction. This is my career now, Dawson. I thought of all people you'd understand that. Dawson: Well, excuse me for not wanting to see you fail, Mom. You know, if there's one thing that you've taught me, it's that you should never be ashamed to ask for help, right? I don't see why you can't take your own advice. [he walks off] [Scene: On the Boston School sidewalk. Joey, Morgan and A.J. are walking together after the ceremony, talking as they go. A.J. is carrying a bottle of champagne.] A.J.: Can you believe the dean look alike gave me a bottle of Dom? Morgan: It's definitely your night. You have no idea how lucky he is that you broke your heel. The guy can't dance to save his life. A.J.: Well, here we are. Joey: Here we are. Morgan: Have you guys thought about heading down to the arboretum? I bet it's amazing down there tonight. Joey: I want to go back to your room. A.J.: Okay. Morgan: Good. I'll have the arboretum all to myself. Catch you guys later. Joey: Oh, this is yours. [takes the coat off and hands it to Morgan] Thank you, Morgan. Morgan: You're welcome. [Morgan leaves. Joey and A.J. walk into the dorm.] A.J.: What's a matter? Joey: You tell me. You're feeling guilty right now, aren't you? A.J.: Guilty? No. I don't like the idea of Morgan hanging out by herself at night, that's all. Joey: Go join her. I want to go back to your room alone. A.J.: What? Joey: Tonight is one of the most memorable experiences of your life, A.J. And you should share it with Morgan. A.J.: I don't understand. Joey: You've got to be the thickest mensa member around. A.J., Morgan is your muse. A.J.: No, Joey, she's just my friend, that's all. Joey: No, she's more than just a friend. She picks out paper for you, and she encourages you write and she demands that you be yourself. And she does this in such a selfless way that you can't even begin to comprehend and A.J.: Wait, wait, did she tell you something - did she say that she wants more than friendship? Joey: No A.J.: Well than where is this coming from? Joey: I know what it's like to harbor feelings for somebody that you deny. I know how horrible it is to realize those feelings way too late. And this is coming from my own experience, my own life, which honestly, you know very little about. A.J.: Well, God, Joey, give me a chance. Let me get to know more about you. Isn't that the fun part? Joey: Yes, it's fun, and it's romantic and exciting and unbelievable, but it's not real. A.J.: Well, then let's make it real. Joey: See, you already have something that is real. And Morgan is just recently realized it. Why do you think she came back from France? Can't you hear it, too? A.J.: Hear what? Joey: The loudest sound of all? Love unspoken. The feelings between you and Morgan. A.J.: Joey, you are reading way too much into this. Joey: Am I? A.J.: Yes. Joey: A.J., then why the look? A.J.: What look? What are you talking about? Joey: In the reading. You paused and you looked at her. A.J.: I don't know, I was reading something. Okay, I guess it made me think of her. Joey: Because it's about her. A.J.: No, it's a made up character, Joey. Joey: A.J., I want you to go to her. And I want you to look into her eyes and look deep. A see just how made up that character is. A.J.: Is that what you really want? Joey: Yes. A.J.: So that's it? What about us? Joey: Us is something that I will remember for the rest of my life. But see, us is a memory. You and Morgan are reality. A.J.: I used to think a broken heart was just [missed word]. Now I know the truth. Joey: A.J., there are worse things than a broken heart. Like the love that you don't explore. A.J.: Guess I'll see you around, Potter-comma-Joseph. [Joey gives him a kiss on the cheek. A.J. leaves.] [Scene: Inside Buzz's house. Pacey knocks at the door and Buzz answer's it. Pacey is carrying several bags of groceries.] Buzz: I give at the office. [Buzz goes to close the door, but Pacey sticks his foot in to stop him.] Pacey: I just wanted to come by and tell you something about your work on the boat. Buzz: Yeah? Pacey: Yeah. It ain't half bad, kid. Buzz: Pay attention. I'll show you a thing or two. Pacey: What do you know about making meatloaf and mashed potatoes? [Later, they are trying to make some meatloaf.] Buzz: You have to work it with your hands. Pacey: Like this? Buzz: You're getting the hang of it. Pacey: It's a good thing your mom had to work late tonight, huh? Buzz: Yeah I'm sorry, you know. My father isn't entirely dead. Pacey: Her name is Joey. Buzz: Is she a hotty? Pacey: I'm not answering that. Buzz: Come on, I'm 9. I have years before I get there. The least you can do is cough up a description. Pacey: Okay. She's so beautiful, that every time you look at her, your knees tremble, your heart just melts, and you know right then and there, without any reservation, that there is order and meaning to the universe. Buzz: She's a hotty. Where is she? Pacey: Well, she's probably out having the time of her life. [Scene: Inside the Boston train station. Joey check's out the time for the next train to Capeside and sees that it isn't until 9am. After some debate she goes to the payphone.] [Scene: Outside along the shoreline. Dawson is out there thinking when Jen comes up to him.] Jen: Looks like you've been out here for awhile. Bet you could use a friend. Dawson: For someone who's been so rapped up in her whole little world, you're pretty perceptive. Jen: Well that's just the kind of the girl I am. Thoughtful, empathetic. And I can see pretty much everything that happens out here from the restaurant. Dawson: So you heard the fight I had with my mom. Jen: Yeah. And then I caught a mini version of her wrath myself. Just after I broke a few more plates. Dawson: I think the pressure of the restaurant has finally gotten to her. You saw, all I was trying to do was help her out. She completely unloaded on me. Jen: I think you were trying to do a little more than just help her. You were trying to help yourself, too. Dawson: How so? Jen: You're trying to put your family back together, Dawson. Dawson: No, I'm not. You saw how angry I was at the B&B when they tried to pose as husband and wife. Jen: Exactly, because it was a fa ade, a lie. Of course that upset you. What's going on at the restaurant is real. Dawson: What's going on in the restaurant is chaos. Jen: We invariably return to what we know, Dawson. What's in our bones. Your family, that's in your bones. Dawson: Yeah, but I know that they're not getting back together. So, so what am I doing? Jen: Remember a couple of years ago, at that spot right over there, you asked me to dance. And you said that you wanted to be my boy adventure. Dawson: Did I really say that? God, I was so na ve. Jen: And sweet, and honest. On the outside you're not that same na ve, little boy anymore. You've been through too much recently. But deep down at your core, there's always gonna be a part of you that rejects reality. And that's eternally hopeful. And just wants his parents back together. [Scene: Inside the Boston train station. Joey is sitting on a bench, and she has been crying, when Pacey enters and walks up to her.] Pacey: Hey. Joey: Hey. Pacey: So what happened? Joey: Nothing happened. Pacey: You got bored? You got homesick? He finally ripped off his rubber mask and revealed his true alien features? What? Joey: I don't want to talk about it. Pacey: Oh, well, forgive me if I'm having a little bit of trouble with the 'no questions asked' part. [Scene: Inside the new restaurant. Dawson enters and walks over to his mother. He notices that a lot has been done since he left the night before. He is actually quite surprised.] Gail: Good morning. Dawson: Good morning. I came here to apologize for undercutting your authority and offer my service, but it looks like you're doing just fine without me. [He takes the cup that Gail offers him.] This coffee tastes like clam chowder. Gail: Oh, that's good. Dawson: This is good. Gail: Uh huh! Dawson: This is not the place I left last night. Gail: Oh, you mean you weren't at Leery's Fresh Fish? Dawson: I thought Leery's Fresh Fish was [Mitch is on the end of the bar hanging the sign that Jack and Andie brought in, now with the name on it.] Mitch: It's her name, too, Dawson. Dawson: Okay, so what's going on? Gail: You know, you were right about what you said, honey. I do need a partner, I was just too proud to admit it. Mitch: Well, don't be so hard on yourself. Running a restaurant takes many talents. You've got the most important one. You know how to delegate. Dawson: So you made Dad a partner after all? Mitch: No, that would never work. She hired me as a General Manager. Gail: Oh, 'hired' being the operative word. Mitch: My first order of business was to strongly suggest she make Bodie her partner. Dawson: Bodie? Well, wait Gail: Yeah, well he's going to own 20% of the business and in return he's going to provide me with all his recipes, over see the kitchen, work only nights that way it won't take him away from his B&B. Oh, and we're going to have to fire Jen from the wait staff. Dawson: But Gail: Honey, as a waitress she's going to put me out of business in a week. Mitch: But she'd make a charming hostess. Dawson: I think she would like that. Apparently you guys work well together. [Scene: Inside Pacey's Car. Pacey and Joey are driving back to Capeside. They are both quiet, and Joey is looking out the window still drying a little.] Pacey: So, you ever gonna speak again? Come on, Jo, say something. Joey: What do you want me to say, Pacey? You were right? You were right, okay? Right as always. Pacey Witter, the only person in my life who ever speaks the truth. Pacey: That's not entirely accurate. Joey: Well, you told me what was going to happen. Pacey: Which was what, Joey? What happened up there? Joey: There was another girl. Pacey: Oh. I'm sorry, Jo. Joey: You know the whole time that I was watching them, I just kept thinking, 'This is it. This is real. Just like Pacey said. This is the real thing.' And it reminded me once again, what exactly I don't have. Pacey: Keeping looking, you'll find it. Joey: No I won't. Isn't it obvious by now, I'm not meant to. Pacey: Why? Cause you're 16 and alone? Come on Joey: No, because I'm 16, and in my entire life there's been 2 people who actually know me, Pacey. Pacey: Dawson and This A.J. guy didn't know you. I don't care how you felt about him, Jo, he didn't know you, cause if he did, he never would have walked away. Joey: I was going to say you, Pacey. Pacey: Okay. [Pacey pulls the car off the road and comes to a stop.] Joey: Have you totally lost it? Pacey: Not totally yet. [They both get out of the car and and walk around to the side of it away from the road. ] Pacey: Alright, what did you mean by that? Joey: By what? Pacey: About me knowing you better than anybody else. Joey: Exactly what I said, Pacey. You know me, okay? In a way that nobody else besides Dawson ever had Pacey: I'm not talking about Dawson, right now. We're talking about me. You can't keep on doing this to me, Potter. Joey: Doing what? So I count on you and I tell you secrets and Pacey: And you call me in the middle of the night to pick you up. Why? Joey: I'm sorry that I called. I thought that I Pacey: I'm not mad that you called me, I just want to know why you called me. Joey: You were the first person that I thought of, Pacey. Pacey: What does that mean, Jo? Joey: It means that I guess it It means that I can talk to you, and that you're there for me Pacey: Don't you ever get tired of talking? Joey: No. I don't Pacey: Well I get tired of talking Joey: I don't get tired. I don't Pacey: I don't want to talk anymore. Joey: What are you trying to say? Why are we standing [Pacey goes over to Joey and takes her face in her hands and kisses her. Her eyes open wide in shock, and then fade to black.]

Joey travels to Boston for a date with AJ, but when she senses that he has feelings for another girl, she becomes tense and wants to leave. Upon arriving at the train station and seeing that there are no departures for several hours, Joey calls Pacey, who drives to pick her up. Pacey pushes Joey to tell him what went wrong with AJ, and when she confesses, the conversation leads to Joey telling Pacey she feels like he is one of the few people who has ever really known her. Hearing this, Pacey instantly pulls the car over to the side of the road, and after a fractured and emotional speech, dramatically kisses Joey. Jen, Jack and Andie assist Dawson and Gail in the restaurant, before Dawson admits defeat and angers his mother by asking his father for help.

fd_Angel_03x09

fd_Angel_03x09_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Darla sees Liam for the first time - brawling at the pub. Darla: "Who is he? - He's magnificent." Darla turns Liam in the alley. Darla: "I could show you, things you've never seen." Shots the China flashback. Darla: "We were together for a hundred and fifty years. - We shared everything." Angelus and Darla trapped in the barn in France. Angelus: "Who's this man Holtz?" Darla: "A vampire hunter." Angelus: "How does he keep finding us?" Angelus bites Holtz wife. Angelus: "We have message for your husband." Angelus at Holtz mercy in Rome. Holtz: "You remember Caroline?" Angelus: "Pretty lass, hearty screamer?" Sahjhan visits Holtz in England. Sahjhan: "It'll be over two hundred years before you can find either Angelus or Darla. I want your word you will show them no mercy." Angel sees human Darla in a crowed LA park for the first time. Angel: "That's her. Darla. She's back." Angel and Darla making out. Darla: "God doesn't want you! But I still do." Angel waking up after. Darla: "You still have a soul!" Angel stops Darla from staking him. Angel: "Get dressed and get out." Darla stand up from the barstool, hugely pregnant. Angel: "This is impossible." Darla: "Tell me about it - Daddy!" Wes: "You're carrying a boy." Darla: "Great." Lilah to Linwood: "No one seems to know *how* Darla could be pregnant." Wes: "The Nyazian Prophecies speak of a Tro-clon, that brings about the ruination of mankind." Lilah: "The scroll it's recorded on, seems to be missing." Darla having contractions in the backseat of the car. Wes: "Her water's broken. This is for real." W&H's commando enter the Hyperion. Linwood: "We got to get this baby before anybody finds out." Holtz walk into the Hyperion. Linwood sees him on the monitor. Linwood: "I don't care who that man is. Take him out. Take him out now." Angel walks into the carnage left in the lobby after the fight. Holtz: "Angelus? - I've been looking for you." Angel: "Holtz. - My god." Holtz: "You have no god, demon." Angel: "The Tro-clon - the prophecy - raised up from darkness to bring darkness. That's you. Holtz, whatever brought you here..." Some of Holtz' gGapplar demons stand up and catch Angel's wrists and neck in some metal clamps on the ends of long sticks, holding him fast. Holtz: "You did. - You and your demon bitch. - For two hundred years I slept. For two hundred years - I dreamt of nothing - (Lays a sword against Angel's throat) but this moment." Angel: "Which would explain why you look so well rested." Holtz pulls the sword back: "You haven't changed." Angel: "Actually, I have. While you were sleeping, a lot changed." Holtz: "Really?" Holtz throws something at Angel's face (Holy water?), and his face morphs into vampface for a split second, then back to human. Holtz: "Somehow things seem the same to me." Angel: "You're wrong." Holtz puts the sword tip against Angel's throat again: "I *will* have justice." Angel: "No. - I don't think you will. - There is no justice for the things I did to you." Holtz: "You didn't do them to me. And you didn't do them alone." Holtz turns away and addresses the other Grapplar demons. Holtz: "Find the female. If he's here, Darla can't be far. (Turns to look at Angel) Or are you going to tell me *that's* changed, too?" Darla is screaming with pain in the backseat of Angel's convertible. Gunn: "She's gonna pop right here." Wes: "The contractions, they're coming more frequently now." Cordy holding a stake: "You think?" Wes: "Angel's not back with the scrolls yet. I'd feel a lot better if we had the ancient prophecies to guide ?us." Cordy: "Please! Women have been giving birth without ancient prophecies for years!" Gunn: "What we could really use right about now is some Vaseline and a catcher's mitt." Darla lets out another scream. Fred: "I don't think she's ready to deliver yet, but she's moved into the active stage of her labor." Wes looks around: "We have to go. We can't stay here. It's too exposed. Angel should have been back by now." Gunn: "Something must have happened." Wes: "Now it's up to us to protect Angel's unborn child. - Darla, we're trying to take you out of here. Relax. The trick is to breathe. Something like this: (Wes demonstrated short panting breaths) Heh, heh, heh, hoh, hoh, hoh, heh, heh, heh..." Darla: "I! Don't! (Sits up and sends all four of them flying backwards, away from the car, morphing into her vampface) Breathe!" Darla breaks down in a fit of crying. Intro Holtz is riding hell for leather through the night, intercut with flashes of his wife and daughter. He bursts into his house, kneels down beside the body of his wife and sees the two puncture wounds in her neck. Holtz is sitting, crying into his hands. Sarah: "Papa? - Papa." Holtz slowly lowers his hands: "Sarah?" He turns and sees his daughter in the doorway, clutching her doll. Holtz: "Oh, Sarah!" Hurries over to hold her. Holtz: "Sarah." Sarah: "Mommy won't wake up." Holtz: "Shh... Quiet now." He sits down, pulls her against him and begins to sing a lullaby. Holtz: "Sleep, my love, and peace attend thee, all through the night. Guardian angels god will lend thee, all through the night. Slow the drowsy..." He pushes the hair back from her face and sees two puncture wounds in the side of her neck. Two of Holtz' men appear in the open door. Man: "Captain." Holtz never taking his eyes off Sarah: "Don't come in here." Man makes a cross: "Sweet Jesus." Holtz: "Get out!" The men back away and Holtz resumes singing. Holtz: "No forebodings (slowly backs away from his daughter) will alarm thee, all through the night." Holtz sits down on a bench against the wall and watches as his daughter sit in the middle of the room, playing with her doll. Holtz singing: "They will keep all peril from you, all through the night..." Wolfram and Hart, night, Lilah, Linwood and Gavin are walking down a corridor. Linwood is holding a picture of Holtz. Lilah: "We've no idea who he is. We ran everything from the surveillance tapes through face and voice recognition and came up with nada. Whoever he is, he's not in the system." Linwood: "A new player." Gavin: "Or an old one." Linwood: "Go." Gavin: "Well, sir, he did address Angel as Angelus. That might suggest some sort of personal history." Linwood: "An old friend." Lilah: "Not likely. Angelus didn't have friends." Linwood: "What's the status of our surveillance?" Gavin: "Still down, but we're working on it." Linwood: "And we've heard nothing yet from Commander Burke's team or from Dr. Fetvanovich?" Gavin: "All units were successfully deployed at Angel's hotel. But that's all we know." Linwood: "Actually that's all *you* know. - I, on the other hand, know nothing." Gavin: "Sir?" Linwood: "It's clear that *I* could *never* have been involved in such an ill-conceived and in the end botched operation." Gavin: "Because you were never here." Linwood: "That is correct." Gavin: "But *we* were." Linwood: "You were. - I'll expect a full report at Thursday's staff meeting, and be advised, when I hear about all this for the very first time I will be both shocked and appalled. (Gives the a smile) Good night." Gavin: "He's gonna crucify us." Lilah: "They don't crucify here. It's too Christian." Angel is still held motionless by the metal grips while Holts admires one of Angel's swords. Angel: "You're still human. How'd you manage this?" Holtz puts the sword back into the weapons cabinet. Holtz: "So, the question becomes - now that I have you - what's the best way to get her?" Angel: "Only dark magics could have brought you this far." Holtz: "She was always the trick, you know, not you. Darla was the unpredictable one." Angel: "Was it a demon - or something else?" Holtz points a stake at Angel's chest: "What if I just - kill you now? Would she somehow sense it? Would she then come running? (Walks away from Angel) Would that bring her bursting through those doors, I wonder?" Angel: "Did something come to you, or did you seek it out?" Holtz: "She might show herself in the service of revenge. - It can be a powerful motivator." Angel: "Yes, it can. What did you have to give up for this second chance?" Holtz: "Give up? (Turns to face Angel) I had nothing *to* give up. *You* saw to that." Angel: "We took a lot from you, that's true. But we didn't get everything. We couldn't take your soul." Holtz: "What do you know of a soul." Angel: "I know yours will be destroyed if you allow yourself to be used in the service of evil. - You're a good man, Holtz. A righteous man - and you're being used - for some purpose - other than justice." Holtz: "Could it be you really have changed? - I don't remember you ever pleading so cravenly before." Angel: "And I remember *you* used to work with men." Holtz hits Angel hard across the face. Gunn crouches down between Cordy and Fred. Gunn: "Smack him again." Cordy gives the side of Wes' face a slight smack. Wes: "Ow." Wes opens his eyes and slowly sits up, reaching one hand towards the back of his head. Wes: "That hurts." Cordy: "Well, you know what they say: birth -painful." Wes: "Yes, but generally for the mother, not the bystanders. How long have I been out?" Wes accepts a hand from Gunn to help him to his feet. Fred: "Not long, but we seem to be between contractions now." They turn to look at Darla, how is sitting in the backseat of the car, gesturing while talking to herself and crying. Cordy: "Yep. She's been doing that." Gunn: "Hormones." Looks in Cordy's direction as he takes a step back. Wes: "Come on then. (Walks towards the car) Darla? Darla, do you feel well enough to travel?" Darla nods. Wes: "Good." Wes gets into the driver's seat. Everyone else piles into the front seat as well. Fred, the last to get in, ends up sitting half on Cordy and Gunn's lap. Darla: "Doesn't anyone wanna sit back here with me?" Cordy: "We're good." Gunn: "Yeah, it's - comfy." Darla: "I promise I won't throw anyone out of the car. - Not while it's moving." Fred: "It's not that we don't trust you. I mean, we *don't* trust you. But the fact is, your water broke all over the back seat." Darla: "Oh." Cordy looks at Wes: "What? What are you waiting for?" Wes: "I presume we have a tire iron in the trunk?" Gunn: "Yeah, why? We got a flat?" Wes: "And how about a hurling ax, or some sort of heavy mallet?" The turn to see what Wes is looking at: Grapplar demons stepping out of the shadows in front of the car. Wes: "Also a shotgun wouldn't be a terrible thing at this juncture." They all turn to look behind the car. More Grapplar demons. Holtz: "Are you still concerned about my soul, Angelus? My vampire priest?" The door opens and a Grapplar comes in. Holtz: "Excuse me." He walks over to receive the demon's report. Turns back to look at Angelus. Holtz: "You've got her. Good. Bring her in." Angel watches the door as the Grapplar pulls in his captive. Angel: "Lilah." Holtz: "This isn't her." Holtz walks over and throws some water in Lilah's face. Holtz: "She's not even a vampire." Lilah wiping her face dry: "No, I'm an attorney." Angel: "Let me guess: dead guys all over my floor - friends of yours?" Lilah: "Look, if I'd known you were torturing him, I wouldn't have interrupted. Please, continue. I'll wait until your finished." Holtz: "When I'm finished, he'll be dead." Lilah: "Really?" Holtz: "You say you're an attorney. You deal in man's laws, I deal in god's." Lilah: "Ah, right. A good guy." Holtz: "Do you know what he is?" Lilah: "Yeah, I know. (Reciting) Vampire, cursed by gypsies who restored his soul. Destined to atone for centuries of evil, wacky sidekicks, yada, yada. I'd have him killed myself, except the people I work for have this (makes air quotes) 'policy.'" Holtz: "Hm." Lilah: "Hmm." Holtz turns to look at Angel: "What does she mean 'cursed by gypsies?'" Angel: "Long story, Holtz. I doubt it would interest you much." Lilah: "How about I go to my car for about twenty seconds? That should give you enough time in here. Then I gotta call some people to clean this mess up. I've got an early staff meeting in the morning." Angel glances down and spots a grenade in the hand of one of the dead commandos at his feet. Holtz: "I can't allow you to leave." Angel cranes his neck to glance at the elevator behind him while Holtz' attention is on Lilah. Lilah: "What do you mean? Of course you can." Holtz: "No. You said you work for the law." Angel puts the tip of his shoe under the dead man's open hand. Lilah: "No, I didn't. I said I'm a lawyer. I don't care about the law." Angel: "Lilah?" Lilah: "What?" Angel: "Duck." Angel flips the grenade up and catches the pin in his mouth. He shakes his head and the grenade flies free from the pin. The top comes off the grenade as it lands on the floor and it explodes a moment later, blasting Angel back and throwing Holtz to the floor. Holtz picks himself up and looks at the man-shaped hole in the elevator doors. He picks himself up, runs over to them and looks down the empty elevator shaft. Holtz to his minions: "Search the grounds! (To Lilah) Those men you sent to kill Angelus, they were each of them brave." Lilah: "Oh, good." Holtz: "They fought to the last." Lilah looks at the bodies on the floor: "Yeah, I get *that*." Holtz: "But send more, and I'll do the same. No one will have him but me." Lilah: "There weren't sent for Angel. This was meant to be a party for his girlfriend." Holtz: "You know of Darla?" Lilah: "Sure." Holtz: "Tell me, these gypsies, did they curse her as well? Has she, too, been re-ensouled?" Lilah: "Darla? No. She's free-range evil." Holtz turns away with a nod: "Hmm." Lilah: "Hey, if you do manage to catch up with her, I think maybe we can do some business." Holtz looks back at her: "The only business that I have with Darla is to send her back to the hell that made her." Lilah opens her mouth to say more, but Holtz is already walking away. Lilah: "Yeah, okay. Whatever. (Pulls out her phone) Harvey? It's Lilah. I've got a job for you. Angel Investigations." She leans on the reception desk and sees the remnant of the Nyazian scroll, picks it up and plays with it while continuing to talk. Lilah: "Yeah. Full cleaner service. (Stops to twist the piece of dark gray material and stares at it) Thanks." Lilah puts her phone away, glances around and quickly picks up a picture frame lying on the counter and put it over the piece of the scroll and some memo pads. Glancing around the picks the whole stack up and turns to the doors. Wes, Gunn and the girls a fighting the Grapplars while Darla just sits in the back of the car arguing with herself. Wes: "Keep the moving." Gunn: "Don't let them get behind you!" Darla shakes her head, gets up out of the back seat and slides behind the wheel. Fred: "Charles! (Gunn clobbers the Grapplar about to get Fred) Thanks." Fred swings her bat at Gunn. He ducks and Fred's swing hits the demon behind him full across the face. As the gang continues to fight, Darla starts the car. She puts it into gear and mows down the two demons standing in front of it. Slams on the breaks, backs over one of the Grapplars behind the car, then squeals out of there leaving the her defenders to stare after the disappearing car. A slightly singed looking Angel comes up behind them and cranes his head to look over their shoulders. Angel: "What are we looking at?" Everyone turns to stare at him. Break Wes: 'Holtz?" Angel: "Yeah." Wes: "The vampire hunter that tracked you and Darla..." Angel: "Through the late seventeen hundreds, yeah." Gunn: "Sure it wasn't his great, great, great-grandson?" Angel: "No it was him." Fred: "Maybe he's part of what's supposed to rain down ruination upon mankind. The Nyazian Prophecies did say that the Tro-clan was going to be a confluence of events." Cordy: "And the sudden appearance of an eighteenth century vampire hunter in the twenty first century does seem pretty confluey." Gunn: "You think he's here for the baby?" Angel: "I don't think he even knows about it." Fred: "He wouldn't have to. That's the tragic beauty of a cosmic convergence. I-I mean, he just plays his own small part. He-he comes here looking for Angel and Darla, and in the process ends up finding Angel's unborn child, who, as it turns out, wasn't evil at all as we feared, but was actually meant to be some sort of Messianic figure. But Holtz kills it before it's even born and his vengeance somehow triggers the end of the world! (She smiles at the others, who just look at her) Or not! It could go either way. - Have you thought of a name yet?" Wes: "We need to find Darla before Holtz does." Angel: "I can find her a lot faster on my own." Wes: "Of course." Angel: "If you guys could just find some place safe for her to have this baby, we'll come to you." Gunn: "We can do that." Angel turns to go. Cordy: "Hey! (Angel turns back) Be careful." Angel turns to go. Wes: "Angel. (Angel turns back) The scrolls, you didn't manage to..." Angel: "No." Angel leaves. Wes: "I'm sure we'll be fine without them." A guy wearing white gloves is examining the remnant of the scroll in Lilah's office. Man: "Nyazian. Exquisite! I recognize the Ga-shundi cross-text. Quite a find! Have you any idea what this is worth?" Lilah: "Hopefully enough to cover my ass. (Hands him the memo pad) Here, these notes should help speed things up a little." Man: "Ah! You had another translator work on this I see. - I don't recognize the handwriting but the idiom would indicate an Englishman." Lilah: "I don't know. I don't remember." Man: "It wasn't Worm Forsch in Ancient Symbols and Icons, was it? He's had his eye on my cubicle." Lilah: "No, it was somebody else. You don't know them." Man: "He's only got that one eye..." Lilah: "Don't worry about it. Outside contractors. Now, I've highlighted the sections they seemed to be concentrating on." Man: "You *highlighted* an ancient Nyazian Scroll?" Lilah: "In yellow." Man: "Hmm." Lilah: "So, can you translate it?" Man: "When it comes to sacred prophecies it's always going to be more of an interpretation than a strict translation." Lilah: "I'm just looking for the gist here. What does it say?" Man: "Let's see. (Looks through his magnifying glass at the symbols on the scroll) Bring... forth... appear... born... Uh! Something about a birth!" Lilah: "What? What about the birth?" Man: "It's unclear." Lilah: "Make it clear." Man: "Well, this should be fun!" Lilah: "No. This shouldn't be fun, what it should be is done by morning - or I'll have your family killed." Lilah leaves. Holtz is back in the chamber he woke up in talking to Sahjhan. Holtz: "You knew. You knew and you didn't tell me." Sahjhan: "Okay! So I left out one teeny weeny little detail. It didn't seem all that important." Holtz: "Not important? Angelus with a soul?" Sahjhan: "It doesn't mean anything!" Holtz: "It means everything." Sahjhan: "See? This is *why* I didn't mention it. So Angel has a soul. Big whoop! So did Attila the Hun! Not to mention a heart as big as all outdoors when it came to gift giving. He is *still* a vampire! Angel, not Attila." Holtz: "He's not the same vampire." Sahjhan: "Of course he is! His hair is a little shorter, a little spikier. He's using product. But it's the same guy." Holtz: "No. He's changed. He's - different." Sahjhan: "Look. I don't know what kind of moral mind games you've been torturing yourself with, but can't let this soul thing get in the way of what you swore to do." Holtz: "Get in the way?" Sahjhan: "That's what this is about, right? You find out Angel has a soul, now you're wondering if things are a little murkier - ethically speaking." Holtz: "Things - have never been clearer. Releasing his soul to suffer for all eternity only makes his destruction more just, more fitting." Sahjhan: "Oh. Well, then what's the problem?" Holtz: "You've had me hunting the wrong prey." Sahjhan: "Ah! Right. Because an Angel with a soul is going to be a slightly different challenge from an Angel without a soul." Holtz: "I must know everything." Sahjhan: "Right. No, gotcha. My mistake." Holtz: "You've kept nothing else from me then?" Sahjhan: "Ah. - No. - Nothing I can think of." Darla is standing on top of a building looking over the city below, her hands cradling her pregnant belly. Angel: "You always did love a view." Darla: "Look at it. Listen to it. Can you smell it? This world. This horrible world. Why would anyone want to bring a baby into it?" Angel: "To make it better, maybe?" Darla: "Or to destroy it finally." Angel: "Why is it everyone insists on planning my son's future before he's even born?" Darla turns and walks past where Angel is standing. Darla: "Alright then, how's this? It doesn't have a future. Not with me." Angel follows her: "Darla..." Darla: "Angel, I can't have this baby." Angel: "What?" Darla: "I can't let it out. I-I can't." Angel: "Okay, not sure you have a lot of choice in the matter..." Darla: "Look, I know. It wants to come out. I can feel it. It's ready. It's just - I can't let it. I can't let because... because..." Angel: "You love it." Darla: "Completely. I love it completely. I-I-I don't think I've ever loved anything as much as this life that's inside of me." Angel: "Well - you've never *loved* anything, Darla." Darla: "That's true. Four hundred years and I never did - till now. - I don't know what to do." Angel: "Well, you-you'll do the only thing that you can do. - You'll have it. You'll have it and then..." Darla: "What? We'll raise it?" Angel: "Why not?" Darla: "It's impossible." Angel: "This whole thing is impossible, Darla, but it's happening." Darla: "What do I have to offer a child, a *human* child, besides ugly death?" Angel: "Darla." Darla: "You know it's true." Angel: "No. What I do know is that you love this baby, our baby. You've bonded with it. You've spent nine months carrying it, nourishing it..." Darla: "No. No, I haven't been nourishing it. I haven't given this baby a thing. I'm dead. It's been nourishing me. These feelings that I'm having, they're not mine. They're coming from it." Angel: "You don't know that." Darla: "Of course I do! We both do. Angel, I don't have a soul. It does. And right now that soul is inside of me, but soon, it won't be and then..." Angel: "Darla..." Darla: "I won't be able to love it. I won't even be able to remember that I loved it. (Starts to cry) I want to remember." Angel pulls her against him. Angel: "Shh..." Angel closes his eyes as he holds a crying Darla. Lorne: "Here?! She wants to have it here? Well, that's just a terrible idea. Can't you see I'm working my tush off trying to get ready for a grand re-opening? (To a girl carrying a big jar) Uh, ah, Gorsh entrails behind the bar next to the Maraschinos. I can't have *baby* here! I just had the booth simonized." Cordy: "Lorne, what do you want us to do? Tell Angel and Darla that they're not welcome here?" Lorne: "No. No, of course not. Caritas is and will always be a Sanctuary. That is if *some* people ever finish the work they promised to have done three days ago. How's the job coming, Arnie?" Arnie: "I think we'll have up on her feet by the time you open tomorrow night." Gunn: "New security system?" Lorne: "Yeah, routes the new sanctuary spells together to prevent both human and demon violence, Creating a totally carnage free Caritas." Arnie: "But, ah, balancing that interspecies flux, a little trickier than I expected." Lorne takes the leaflet Arnie is working from away from him. Lorne: "Uh-huh. That's not the only thing that's tricky around here. You hum while you work." Arnie: "Yeah, so?" Lorne: "So? I just read you, buster! Which connection are you leaving unconnected to milk this job?" Arnie: "You're questioning my work ethic?" Lorne: "No, I'm firing you! Get out. Out. Git. Go on." Lorne pushes Arnie towards the door. Arnie: "Hey, I'm union. You got to pay me for the full day." Lorne: "Out. I'll finish this myself. How hard could this be?" Lorne opens the leaflet. Angel and Darla are standing beside each other on the rooftop, each facing a different way. Darla: "You won't let me hurt it, will you? You'll protect it, right? From me, I mean." Angel's cell phone rings and he answers it. Angel: "Yeah." Wes: "We found a place." Angel: "Is it safe?" Wes looks over at the host working on the equipment. Wes: "I'm sure by the time you get here it'll be safe as houses." Lorne: "Okay. Try that." Fred sighs and give Gunn a slight slap across the face. Fred: "Nope, still not working." Lorne: "Okay. Ah. - Try it now." Fred slaps Gunn again. Gunn and Fred: "No!" Darla hunches over and leans against a post. Angel: "Hey - Darla? We should - get going. I feel a storm coming. You okay? Another contraction?" Darla: "No. It's something else." Lilah walks into her office. Lilah: "You got something?" Man: "Yes. I believe I do. I have to say, whoever you had working on this before was very close. These notes were enormously helpful." Lilah: "That's great. What does it say?" Man: "I can see he ran into trouble right here with the tense. Ga-shundi tenses are tricky little buggers! (Laughs)" Lilah: "I'm riveted. The birth! What does it say about the birth?" Man: "Well, actually, it's funny... it doesn't." Lilah: "What do you mean, it doesn't. But you said it did." Man: "Yes, I did say it did." Lilah: "But it doesn't." Man smiling: "In a way." Lilah: "I have a gun." Man: "The prophecy, it's not so much a birth announcement as it is an obituary." Lilah: "Obituary?" Man: "Yes. The prophet is telling us there will be no birth." Lilah: "But are you sure?" Man: "Oh, quite sure! 'For surely in that time, when the sky opens and the heavens weep, there will be no birth, only death.'" Lilah: "Only death?" Man: "Just death." Lilah considering: "Just death." A slight smile plays across her face. Break [SCENE_BREAK] Holtz is sitting in his house staring straight ahead. The two men form the night before have come back. It is now day outside. Man: "Captain. (Holtz doesn't move) Captain, we beg you. Let us take you out of this place. (Looks at Caroline's body) It's the devil's work." Holtz: "Not the devil. Just a demon." The man looks over at Sarah cowering in a dark corner, clutching her doll. Man: "What are we going to do?" Holtz slowly gets up: "Whatever we have to." Holtz walks over to Sarah and picks her up. Sarah: "Papa, no! Please, no, papa! Papa, don't. Let me go!" Holtz caries her over to the door and out onto the roofed porch. Sarah: "No, papa. Papa, don't!" Sarah tries to cling to one of the porch's pillars, but Holtz pulls her away and pushes her out into the bright sunlight of the front yard. She turns back to look up at him, morphing into vamp face as she burns up in the direct sunlight. Holtz stays and watches until she's gone then walks back into the house. Wes is pacing. Gunn is sitting in front of the bar, playing his gameboy. Cordy is sitting on a stool behind him, reading a magazine. Fred is sitting beside Lorne reading the leaflet, while Lorne is still messing with whatever magic-machine Arnie was installing. Lorne: "Okay. Okay. I'm *convinced* I got it this time!" Cordy smacks the back of Gunn's head. Gunn: "Ow." Lorne takes the leaflet away from Fred: "Let me see that." Angel supports Darla as he's leading her down the stairs. Angel: "Just a few more steps. That's it. Okay. All right." Wes walks over to them. Angel: "Guys. A chair. Chair." Wes pulls a chair out for Darla. Gunn: "Jeez, what happened?" Angel helps Darla into the chair: "Easy." Darla: "Thanks." Gunn looks from Angel to Wes. Angel motions with his head to the corner of the room and he and Wes walk away. Cordy to Darla: "You're welcome." Fred: "You gave us quite a scare. - But - I guess you're used to that, what with being a scary thing and all." We hear thunder rumbling outside. Darla: "Yeah. I'm sorry about that. I don't know what got into me." Darla starts to laugh quietly to herself as she looks down at her belly. Angel: "She's in a lot of pain." Wes: "How frequent are the contractions?" Angel: "It's been... I don't know, maybe an hour?" Wes: "An hour? She was well into the active stage of labor. I don't understand." Angel: "I don't either. She just - stopped having them." Wes: "But the pain she's experiencing?" Angel: "She says she's experiencing something else." Wes whispering: "That's worrying." Darla suddenly hunches over with a moan of pain. Cordy: "Angel!" Angel hurries to her side. Angel: "Darla?" Darla: "Angel!" Lorne: "Let's get her into my bedroom. Come on." He and Angel help her up and lead her away. Lorne: "Easy. Easy now. Come on, sweetheart. We'll get you right in there." Fred looks down at the chair Darla was sitting on as notices a little puddle of dark blood on the seat. Sahjhan: "It's time to get to work." Holtz: "You found him then?" Sahjahn: "Tell him." Arnie: "Don't forget what we discussed." Sahjhan: "You'll get your money." Arnie: "I've heard that one before. You know, I've got mouths to feed. Plus a family. Some of them have mouths, too." Sahjhan: "Just tell him what you heard!" Arnie's eyes light up and he mimics Cordy: "Lorne, what do you want us to do? Tell Angel and Darla they're not welcome here? (Mimics Lorne) No, of course not. Caritas is and always will be a sanctuary." Angel waits at the door as Wes and Fred check on Darla lying on Lorne's bed, then walk over to him. Angel: "Is she gonna be okay?" Wes: "She's tough as nails." Fred: "And immortal, so that's, you know, in her favor - health wise." Angel: "What about the baby?" Wes glances back at Darla, then walks out of the room. Angel follows him. Darla lifts her head and watches the leave. Angel: "What? What is it?" Wes: "Angel, I think you need to prepare yourself for the worst." Angel: "No." Wes: "The babies heartbeat is faint. Very faint." Angel: "What do we do?" Wes: "I'm not sure there is anything we can do. Darla's body - it's not a life-giving vessel. I don't know that it's equipped to do what it needs to do in order to bring a baby to term." Angel: "So-so, what-what are you saying? We just let it die?" Cordy: "Ah, what about a c-section?" Fred: "Normally that's exactly what we'd do in this instance, but... the mystical forces that's been protecting the pregnancy..." Thunder rumbles outside. Angel: "...is gonna end up killing it." Wes: "That's my fear." Angel sighs, and rubs his eyes: "This doesn't make any sense. I mean, this whole thing has been a miracle, right? You don't just get half a miracle, do you? - I mean, the powers - they brought her this far, they protected the baby all this time..." Gunn: "We don't know that. We don't know that it's the powers that's been protecting it. Angel, I'm sorry, but what if what Darla's carrying *is* the thing in the prophecies? That scourge of mankind that's supposed to plunge the world into ultimate darkness? - What if - what if what's happening to Darla *now*, what if that's the powers? Finally stepping up to the plate and doing something for once!" Angel staring straight ahead: "How? By killing my kid?" Angel walks towards Lorne's bedroom. Cordy to Gunn: "Do you always have to be so damned honest?" Cordy reaches out to slap Gunn on the arm, but her hand is repelled by a by blue force field. Lorne: "What? Hey! Hey, it-it worked! I fixed it!" The others continue to look glum. Lorne: "Ah, yay, me?" Angel stands in the doorway of Lorne's bedroom and looks at Darla for a moment before walking over and sitting down on a chair beside the bed. Darla stirs, opens her eyes and looks at him. Angel: "Hi. How 're you doing?" Darla: "He finally stopped kicking." Angel: "Did he." He leans forward and lays one hand on Darla's belly. Angel: "I guess he figured he finally got your attention. - You called him a 'he.' (With a slight smile at Darla) I think that's the first time you've ever done that." Darla: "He's dying. (Angel's smile melts away, but he refuses to look away from her) Isn't he?" Angel after a beat: "No." Darla: "You lied much better when you didn't have a soul. - I can feel the life slipping away from me." Angel: "Then don't let it. You have to fight for this. - Please." Darla: "I don't know how. My boy. (Strokes her belly) My darling boy. - I told you I had nothing to offer this kid. Some mother (there are tears in Darla's eyes) can't even offer it life." Gunn gets up off his stool: "Maybe I should go in there, apologize." Wes takes hold of his arm: "Best to just stay here, wait this out." Cordy: "I think both Angel and Darla just need a little time alone." Fred: "This isn't gonna end well, is it?" Lorne: "Okay. Everybody's drinking. I'm buying." He gets up from his chair and sees Holtz walk into the bar. Lorne: "Oh, hello." Holtz looks Lorne up and down: "Hello." Lorne: "We're not open at the moment. Why don't you come back tomorrow night? (Hands him a flyer) It's the grand re-opening. Here. Here's a flyer." Holtz takes it: "Thanks." Lorne walks around the bar to pour some drinks. Holtz takes a slow look around, the turns and walks out, singing quietly: "Sleep, my love and peace attend thee, (Lorne starts to hum along) all through the night, guardian angels god will send you, all through the night..." Lorne's eyes suddenly widen and he drops the bottle and glass back onto the counter. Lorne: "Run!" Cordy: "What's going on?" Lorne heading for the back of the club: "Just run! Run." The others get up and follow him. A red metal barrel tumbles down the stairs and comes to rest just on the other side of the metal security doorway. A grenade bounces down the steps and comes to rest beside it. A beat later the grenade explodes and big fireball sweeps through the club, destroying everything in its wake. Break Angel is supporting Darla beside the bed as the others run in. Angel: "What's going on?" Wes: "We're being attacked." Angel: "Attacked? I thought you had double protection sanctorium spells?" Lorne: "I do. It's a thing with the door and the stairs and the world and the thing. Never mind!" Gunn: "Apparently you can be outside and shove stuff in." Lorne: "I just said that." A burning beam crashes through the ceiling beside Angel and Darla. Darla lets out a little scream. Angel: "It's Holtz." Darla: "What?" Lorne: "Come on. We've got to move the bed." The others go and help Lorne. Darla: "How's it possible?" Angel: "He's here. I would have mentioned it before, but I didn't think it was the right time." Darla sinks down onto a chair. Darla: "No. No, it's the perfect time." Gunn as they pull out the bed: "What's behind the bed?" Lorne: "An old loading dock door. I had the whole place converted." Wes: "What's on the other side?" Lorne: "An alley." Darla: "What we did to him." Angel: "I know." Gunn: "You got an ax, a hammer or anything?" Wes: "Buddha head." Hands it to Gunn. Cordy: "A rhino." Hands it to Wes. He and Gunn haul back with the statues and attack the wall. Darla: "That's why this is happening. His family, his children... - what that must have been like for him. Doesn't seem so funny now, does it?" Angel: "Darla?" Wes: "Angel, we could use some vampire strength here." Angel: "Cordy, Fred!" Cordy and Fred take his place with Darla. Angel steps between Wes and Gunn who step aside and watch him batter down the wall with his fists and feet. Holtz walks into the burning remains of the club. A back alley lit by Chinese lanterns. Angel breaks through into it from Lorne's bedroom. Wooden shards fly as he enlarges the opening. Cordy steps through it, followed by Wes, Fred, Gunn and Lorne. Then Angel half carries Darla through it. Darla: "No. No. Go on. I can't. It doesn't matter anyway." Angel: "I'm not leaving you, alright? Easy. Alright. (Pulls out his keys and tosses them towards the others.) Go get my car. It's out front." He lowers Darla to the ground and crouches down beside her. Angel: "I got you." Cordy makes move to join him. Angel: "Go!" All of them turn and hurry off (Lorne is holding to pieces of cardboard over his head to keep some of the rain off himself), but after a few steps Fred stops and runs back to crouch beside Angel and Darla. Angel: "Fred, go with them." Fred: "It's okay. They'll come back for us." Angel takes off his jacket and slings it around Fred's shoulders. Angel to Darla: "You're gonna be okay." Darla: "No. No, I don't think so. Once he's gone, I won't be okay. I won't be okay at all. - I don't know what I'll be. - Angel... Our baby is gonna die right here in this alley. - You died in an alley, remember?" Angel: "I remember." Darla: "I wanna say I'm sorry. I wanna say it and mean it, but - I can't. - Aren't you gonna tell me it's okay?" Angel: "No." Darla: "No? It's really not, is it? We did so many terrible things together. So much destruction, so much - pain. - We can't make up for any of it. You know that, don't you." Angel after a beat: "Yeah." Darla: "This child - Angel, it's the one good thing we ever did together." Angel lifts Darla's hand between both of his and pressed it against his lips. Darla: "The only good thing." Angel buries his face in his hands, still holding onto Darla's, takes a sobbing breath. Darla: "You make sure to tell him that." Darla is holding one of the splinters of wood and buries it in her chest, gasping. Angel lifts his head and stares as Darla turns to dust. Where Darla was there is now a naked human infant lying in the rain, crying. Holtz steps into Lorne's bedroom with flames flickering all around him. Lifts his crossbow and looks around. Angel carefully gathers up the baby. Holtz steps through the hole in Lorne's wall into the alley. Lifts the crossbow and aims it at Angel as Angel slowly stands up, cradling the crying infant. Fred hands Angel's jacket back to him and he wraps it around the infant. Holtz is watching them over his crossbow. Angel slowly turns his head and sees Holtz. For a moment they just look at each other. A Grapplar appears at the mouth of the alley behind. Angel looks from it to the baby (that has quieted down) to Holtz. Angel's car pulls up behind two Grapplars at the other end of the alley and Wes gets out. Holtz slowly lowers his crossbow, still looking at Angel cradling the infant against his chest. After a beat Angel slowly walks past Holtz, Fred clinging to his right arm. Holtz watches as Angel and Fred pass between the two Grapplars. Sahjhan: "Do it! Now's your chance. Do it! Finish it while you still can! You can't just let him walk away! Not now! Not after what you swore to me!" Holtz watches as Fred and Angel get into the car. Holtz: "I swore that I would show no mercy. (Watches Angel's car drive away) And I won't."

As Darla goes into labor, Team Angel tries to help her deliver the baby. Unfortunately, there are some unforeseen problems. Angel is captured by Holtz, who learns that Angel now has a soul. In the end, it's up to Darla to bring Angel's son into the world, no matter what the cost.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_02x17

fd_Gilmore_Girls_02x17_0

2.17 - Dead Uncles and Vegetables OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE [The phone is ringing. Lorelai rushes down the steps to answer it, but the machine picks up before she can get it.] LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hey, we're not in, so ah, bashed my thumb! Leave a message. EMILY: I am so tired of this ridiculous machine. I get it every time I call. . . LORELAI: Oh, that was close. EMILY: You are Rory are always out. What is it that you do? Is your house that awful you can't be in it? It's too much excitement, if you ask me. . . LORELAI: Well, what isn't in Emily's rules of conduct? EMILY: I don't want to talk to a machine, I'll just call you later. [hangs up] LORELAI: If you had your way, Mother, you'd lock us up like veal. That's what she wants, veal children. [phone rings again] LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hey, we're not in, so ah, bashed my thumb! Leave a message. EMILY: It's me again. Listen. . . LORELAI: You're talking into the machine. EMILY: Don't forget that my DAR meeting is on Tuesday. Please. . . LORELAI: It's burned into my brain. It's there forever. EMILY: . . . it's at three o'clock and all the women are all extremely punctual. LORELAI: When I'm senile and ga-ga and drooling into a cup, and yet I can't remember my name, I'll still remember that your DAR meeting is that Tuesday. EMILY: . . . this Tuesday. I'll talk to you about some other things later. [hangs up] LORELAI: I'm gonna have to be de-programmed by cult de-programmers to get that Tuesday out of my brain. [phone rings again] LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hey, we're not in, so ah, bashed my thumb! Leave a message. EMILY: Your phone message is annoying. . . LORELAI: Unbelievable. EMILY: Do you know how annoying it is? LORELAI: I think I have a standard against which to measure it. EMILY: . . .to it yourself. Have you heard it lately? LORELAI: I can't because I'm amputating my ears. EMILY: . . .and that thumb bashing thing, is that a joke? Why is it that your jokes are always. . . LORELAI: Ah, an earless world, what a dream! [opening credits] CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [In the dining room, Emily is sitting at a table tasting soups as Lorelai and Sookie stand by watching.] LORELAI: Haven't you already tasted that one, Mom? EMILY: Mm. LORELAI: Twice, you've tasted that soup twice. EMILY: You're keeping a running count? LORELAI: I'm morbidly fascinated. EMILY: Well, Lorelai, when you're tasting anything, the first taste acclimates the palate, the second establishes the foundation, and the third is to make your decision. LORELAI: Oh, there's going to be a third taste. EMILY: Isn't that what this is for to taste the soups? LORELAI: Taste them, yes, not to orally deduce their chemical structures. EMILY: Everything has to be at your pace. LORELAI: Or at a pace that can't be measured by the number of times the earth circles the sun. SOOKIE: You know, actually, I've heard that. LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: One is to acclimate, two is for foundation, and three to judge. LORELAI: Traitor. EMILY: The women in my DAR group are very picky. My God, when the pate at the meeting Heddy Cubbington organized was slightly less chilled than appropriate, she was ostracized for a month. LORELAI: Well, that hussy Heddy had it coming. EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: [to employee] Oh, gosh, they're on time for once, good. Hey, do me a favor and, uh, tell Michel that on Wednesday. . . EMILY: Lorelai, please. LORELAI: Thanks. Um, Mom, I got a lot of other things happening here that can't come to a grinding halt for this. EMILY: So your full attention for a short period is too much to ask for? LORELAI: Mom, I'm already giving you more attention than I would someone in these circumstances. No one else would get eight separate soups to taste for a lousy DAR. . .sorry, a not lousy DAR meeting. We only do this for weddings. EMILY: Well, would you like me to pay for the tasting? LORELAI: No, Mom, just decide in this calendar year. SOOKIE: Hey, can I. . .I'm sorry. The mushroom is a great choice. It's super popular, and it's my Jackson's favorite. EMILY: Whose? SOOKIE: Jackson, my fianc . EMILY: Oh, you're getting married? SOOKIE: To the best man in the world. LORELAI: Oh hey, while we're on the subject, um, bridesmaids outfits? SOOKIE: Ooh, I'm way ahead of you. I've already got a couple of ideas. LORELAI: Is one of them having me design and make them so I don't secretly hate what you pick and then harbor a secret grudge against you for the rest of our lives? SOOKIE: It is now. LORELAI: I'll do it! SOOKIE: We're a good team. MICHEL: That fellow's on the phone from the restaurant. LORELAI: Who? MICHEL: The flannel man with the protruding ankles. LORELAI: Oh, Luke? MICHEL: I forgot his name from the desk to here, that's how memorable he is. LORELAI: Okay, thank you. EMILY: Where are you going? LORELAI: Oh, to talk to Luke. EMILY: Can't you call him back? LORELAI: Have your third taste, Mom. [leaves] EMILY: Lorelai! Is she always this scattered? SOOKIE: She's the stablest person I know. EMILY: That's very sad. Well, I think you're right, mushroom. SOOKIE: Great. EMILY: So, tell me more about your wedding. SOOKIE: Oh, I've just started planning so there's not that much to tell. EMILY: Well, have you decided on anything yet? The location or the music for the ceremony, maybe? SOOKIE: Oh, we'll probably just, you know, wind up playing something off a CD. EMILY: Oh. SOOKIE: What? EMILY: Well, CD's can be very unreliable. They break sometimes, or they skip, or the person assigned to turn them on and off gets distracted and the whole ceremony is ruined. SOOKIE: I hadn't thought of that. EMILY: Have you thought about live music? SOOKIE: Well. . . EMILY: A nice string ensemble. SOOKIE: Ooh, that sounds nice. EMILY: There are a couple of wonderful groups I could recommend. SOOKIE: Sure. I mean, I guess it doesn't hurt to check them out. EMILY: No, it doesn't. Mushroom soup. SOOKIE: String quartet. CUT TO FRONT DESK [Lorelai walks over and picks up the phone] LORELAI: Luke? LUKE: Yeah, hi. LORELAI: Hello. LUKE: How's it going? LORELAI: Pretty good, pretty good. How's things with you? LUKE: Oh, not bad. Dropped some eggs. LORELAI: Bummer. LUKE: Hazard of the business. Am I catching you at a bad time? LORELAI: Oh, no, it's kind of slow here. So slow, in fact, that Michel and I were about to get the tetherball out. LUKE: That's the thing with a ball tethered to a rope? LORELAI: Hey, I never knew that's where the tether comes from. LUKE: Yeah, it's tethered. It's tied, like an anchor is tethered to a rope on a boat. LORELAI: Neat, neat. LUKE: Yeah, most people probably don't put that together. LORELAI: Probably not. LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: So, anything else? LUKE: Uh, yeah, actually if I needed a room or two for a couple of days, would that be possible? LORELAI: You need rooms? LUKE: Like nine. LORELAI: You need nine rooms? LUKE: Just for a couple of days, Wednesday and Thursday. LORELAI: Uh, well, I can take care of that. What's it for? LUKE: Uh, just got some family coming in. LORELAI: Reunion? Cause we can get the tetherball out. LUKE: Nah, funeral. LORELAI: What? LUKE: Yeah, my Uncle Louie died last night and I'm arranging the funeral for him. LORELAI: Oh, Luke, I'm so sorry. Here I was babbling about tetherball. LUKE: And you weren't babbling. LORELAI: Well, you've got nine rooms, Wednesday and Thursday. LUKE: You sure? LORELAI: It's a done deal. LUKE: Thanks. LORELAI: Luke, I'm so, so sorry. LUKE: It's okay. It sounds like he went peaceful. He was eighty-five. LORELAI: But it's always hard. Um, are you okay? LUKE: Yeah, I'm okay. LORELAI: Can I help you with anything else? LUKE: No, the rooms are help enough. LORELAI: Are you sure, cause I'm dealing with my mom now and I'd be happy to rush over and help with whatever. You'd be doing me a favor. LUKE: The rooms are all I need, thanks. LORELAI: You're welcome. LUKE: Well, I gotta go. LORELAI: Call if you need anything. LUKE: I will. By the way, that French guy's a putz. LORELAI: Oh yeah, he knows. LUKE: All right, see ya. LORELAI: Bye. CUT TO SIDEWALK [Lorelai and Rory are walking down the street towards the diner] RORY: It's so sad. LORELAI: I know. RORY: Was Luke, like, shaken over his uncle dying? LORELAI: I don't know. He's so unflappable. It's hard to tell. RORY: The man definitely can't be flapped. CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and Rory walk through the door. Luke is on the phone while several customers try to get his attention.] WOMAN: Can I get another cup of coffee? LUKE: In a minute. SY: Hey, is that my food? MAN: More coffee here, too, please. LUKE: In a minute. SY: Is that my food? KIRK: More coffee for me, too. LUKE: Shut up, Kirk. SY: Is that my food? LUKE: Yes, Sy, that's your food. SY: Well, can I have it? LUKE: I'm doing all I can here, folks. KIRK: I asked nicely. MAN: Hey, hey, watch the cord! LUKE: Try ducking. KIRK: You should update to a cordless. LORELAI: Hey, whatcha doing? Watch, watch it. LUKE: Ah, buh buh buh. . .thanks, thanks, I'm on the phone. LORELAI: We noticed. LUKE: Yeah, I can't serve and be on the phone. RORY: We noticed that, too. LORELAI: But your reenactment of Jerry Lewis in The Diner Guy is gonna wow the critics. RORY: Where should the poached eggs go? LUKE: Crank in the hat. SY: Hey, I'm not a crank! You're a crank, crank! RORY: He is a crank. LORELAI: And the French toast? LUKE: Lady with the giant purse. Ah, yup. MAN: This is not good. LORELAI: Hey, fall back cowboy. LUKE: Yo, whoa, whoa, whoa what are you doing? LORELAI: Come here. Just stay on the phone and give me these. Where do they go? LUKE: Table by the window. LORELAI: Don't you number your tables? LUKE: No. LORELAI: You should number your tables. LUKE: What good would that do? If I said a number, you wouldn't know what table was what number. LORELAI: But all restaurants number their table. You should number your tables. LUKE: Table five, they go to table five. LORELAI: Cool. Which one is that? LUKE: Table by the window. LORELAI: By the window, Elma. RORY: Got it, Gertie. KIRK: Hello? How 'bout that coffee? LORELAI: I got it. LUKE: Thanks. KIRK: But, but mine's a quarter caf. LORELAI: Huh? KIRK: Three-fourths decaf, one-fourth caffeinated. LORELAI: I four-fourths don't care. KIRK: Fill it up. LUKE: Sorry about this. LORELAI: It's okay. LUKE: Sometimes you get the world's full of people who micromanage their lives to the point where they can't wait an extra second for anything. LORELAI: We're running out of coffee. LUKE: I'll make some more. LORELAI: No, I got it. LUKE: Do you know how? LORELAI: Do I . . . ugh. . .I am Cathy Coffee, mister, the b*st*rd offspring of Mrs. Folger and Juan Valdez. RORY: Hey Luke, where's Jess? LUKE: I don't know. RORY: School? LUKE: Please. He's probably upstairs. RORY: Really? Excuse me. LUKE: It's too strong. LORELAI: No, it's not. LUKE: No, it's too strong. LORELAI: You're on the phone. LUKE: Not everybody likes it that strong. LORELAI: Well, then I shall convert them. I am the Jehovah's coffee girl. CUT TO UPSTAIRS [Rory knocks on Luke's apartment door] RORY: Jess, open up! I know you're in there. JESS: My, aren't we bright eyed and bushy tailed. RORY: Luke needs you downstairs. JESS: Why? RORY: Because he's on the phone with someone and Caesar's off today and the place is packed and he needs help. JESS: I'll be down in a minute. RORY: No, now. JESS: I'm in the middle of something. RORY: Just assume that Jeannie's gonna get Major Healey out of whatever scrape he's in. JESS: Gee, thanks for spoiling it for me. CUT TO THE DINER KIRK: I need some more Equal. LORELAI: There's one right there. KIRK: I need seven LORELAI: Seven? You're not squirreling these away in your pocket for home use, are you, Kirk? KIRK: No, I use seven in my coffee. LORELAI: Okay, good, then allow me. [pours seven Equals into his cup] There you go. Go ahead and give that a taste, see if it's to your liking. KIRK: Okay. [takes sip] Perfection. LORELAI: Good. [Jess stumbles into the diner, followed by Rory] LORELAI: Well, you're very graceful. JESS: She pushed me. RORY: Sue me. JESS: I could've broken my neck. RORY: As long as it's not your arm. We need your arm. JESS: Despot. LUKE: Took me twenty minutes to get pass this place's stupid busy signal, then they put me on hold forever. LORELAI: Who's keeping you on hold? LUKE: That mortuary in Florida where my uncle's at. LORELAI: Florida? I thought he was in the area. LUKE: No no, he spent most of his life here but retired to Orlando, so I gotta ship the body back here. LORELAI: Aw, he wanted to be buried in Stars Hollow? LUKE: Nah, my dad wanted my uncle buried in Stars Hollow right next to him. LORELAI: That's nice. LUKE: Well, they were really close, and Louie didn't have any wife or kids to look out for things and before my dad died, he asked me if I'd look out for him. LORELAI: For Louie? LUKE: Yeah, he just wanted me to make sure he got a proper funeral. You know, respectful, dignified. LORELAI: No horseshoe carnation wreaths, got it. Good man, that dad of yours. LUKE: And since Louie's a war veteran, the town Revolutionary War reenactors will attend the service, do the salute thing, you know. I mean, it makes me nauseous, but my dad wanted it. [on phone] Yeah, hi, I'm still here. . .Yes, the deceased is Louie Danes. . .Right. . .No, Hartford's not too far, I can do that. Thanks. [hangs up] Great, that's done. Uh, okay, I should probably go pick out a coffin before he gets here. LORELAI: Great, go. LUKE: I have to close up. LORELAI: No, you don't. You're covered. LUKE: You don't have to do this. LORELAI: We don't mind. Go. It'll give me a chance to number all the tables. LUKE: Be my guest. LORELAI: Also, are they arranged like this for any particular reason? LUKE: Don't change anything. LORELAI: It's totally not feng shui. LUKE: Gertie. LORELAI: Go. CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET [A customer walks up to Taylor] MRS. CASSINI: Excuse me, Taylor, where are your Brussels sprouts? TAYLOR: My supplier was out of them this week, Mrs. Cassini. Maybe next week. MRS. CASSINI: Oh, I wanted to make them tonight. TAYLOR: Sorry. MRS. CASSINI: Okay, I'll just try across the street. Thank you. TAYLOR: You're welcome. Across the street? [goes outside] What is that? MRS. CASSINI: It's a farmer's market. Isn't it wonderful? It just opened this morning and. . .I see sprouts! [Taylor walks over to the farmer's market] TAYLOR: Who's the proprietor here? PROPRIETOR: That would be me. What can I do for you? TAYLOR: Wait a minute, I know you. You're that long-haired freak that wanted to be town troubadour even though that weird brown-corduroy-jacket-wearing freak was already it. PROPRIETOR: That's right, good memory! How are ya? [hugs him] TAYLOR: Let go of me! PROPRIETOR: Don't like to be touched, that's cool. Got a little David and Lisa thing happening? Made a mental note, no problem. Can I help you find something? TAYLOR: I just want to know what inspired you to open a produce stand right across the street from my market. PROPRIETOR: Oh, is that your market? TAYLOR: Yes, that's my market. PROPRIETOR: Well, it's real nice, homey. Bought a box of tissues there good stuff, good stuff. MISS PATTY: Excuse me? Your parsley is it priced per bunch or per pound? PROPRIETOR: Per pound, beautiful. MISS PATTY: Mmm, good deal. TAYLOR: Patty! MISS PATTY: Oh, hi Taylor, how are you? TAYLOR: You mean not counting the knife sticking in my back? MISS PATTY: Oh, sure honey, whatever. TAYLOR: There must be some mistake this just isn't right. PROPRIETOR: It's all approved by the proper authorities. I followed the rules, it's what my father taught me. Cop for twenty years, got shot in the butt. Good man tips over sometimes when he sits but good man. MRS. CASSINI: Beautiful sprouts. PROPRIETOR: For a beautiful lady. MRS. CASSINI: Thank you. TAYLOR: I feel sick. PROPRIETOR: That'll be four dollars. See ya, Mr. Doose. TAYLOR: I wanna lie down. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Michel is at the front desk as Lorelai walks over] MICHEL: Ah, Lorelai, good tell me about the nine rooms set aside here. There's no name anywhere that I can see, and no credit card to hold them. Mistake? LORELAI: No, it's for Luke. MICHEL: For who? LORELAI: Luke from Luke's Diner. MICHEL: Nine rooms for Luke from Luke's Diner? LORELAI: That's right. MICHEL: French fry convention? LORELAI: No, just personal. MICHEL: Milkshake symposium? LORELAI: No Michel, it's something personal and I'm vouching for him. MICHEL: Soda pop seminar? LORELAI: Stop! MICHEL: Pickle party? LORELAI: He's got nine rooms, now stifle. [Lorelai walks away as Emily enters the inn] LORELAI: Oh, Mom, hi there. EMILY: Lorelai, hello. LORELAI: I'm sorry, did we get our signals crossed? I don't remember making an appointment with you. EMILY: We have to make appointments to see each other? LORELAI: No, but good one. EMILY: I'm not here to see you. LORELAI: Oh, this isn't about the DAR meeting? EMILY: No, that's all ready to go. I'm here to meet with Sookie. LORELAI: Sookie? EMILY: I'm a little late, traffic was awful. Excuse me, would you? CUT TO DINING ROOM [The tables are set with fancy place settings and flowers.] LORELAI: Oh my God. SOOKIE: Aren't they beautiful? LORELAI: Gorgeous. What are they for? SOOKIE: My wedding. LORELAI: Your wedding? SOOKIE: Emily, hi! EMILY: Well, is this everything I said it was? SOOKIE: And more. LORELAI: What do you mean they're for your wedding? SOOKIE: Oh, it's this company's sample place setting. Emily set me up with them. They did Celine Dion's wedding, and Steven Spielberg's daughter's Jack Russell Terrier's Bark Mitzvah. LORELAI: You're putting me on. SOOKIE: I couldn't make that up. EMILY: Excuse me, this one's slightly asymmetrical. Fix these. LORELAI: Hey, um, what is with the fancy place settings? I thought you were just gonna keep it simple. SOOKIE: It is simple. LORELAI: It lights up. SOOKIE: Just flip a switch, simple. LORELAI: Tell me how my mother got so involved in all of this. SOOKIE: She's not that involved. She just mentioned the other day when she was here that she knew some people that could make some samples of stuff for us, like table settings and flower arrangements. LORELAI: But we were gonna do the flowers ourselves. SOOKIE: I know, but what a hassle that would be. LORELAI: It's to save money flowers cost a fortune. SOOKIE: Yeah, but, the sampling of what they're doing today it's free. I'm not committed to any of this. LORELAI: I hope not. SOOKIE: It's true I say no, it all goes away. Not a penny is spent. LORELAI: Okay. SOOKIE: And it's fun. LORELAI: I don't wanna take away your fun, I just want you to be careful. See, you've entered Emilyland. SOOKIE: Emilyland? LORELAI: It's an upside down world where the Horchow House is considered low-rent and diamonds less than twenty-four carats are Cracker Jack trinkets and Bentleys are for losers who can't afford a Rolls. SOOKIE: But I'm okay, really. LORELAI: All right. I have to help Luke with the lunch rush today, so I gotta go. SOOKIE: Go, we're fine. LORELAI: Okay. Bye Mom. EMILY: [picks up a glass] Is that a fingerprint? My God, that's a fingerprint! Who touched this? Let me see your hands! CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Taylor is sitting at a table mumbling to himself as Rory walks by] TAYLOR: Turnips, turnips, turnips. . . RORY: What? TAYLOR: Huh? RORY: What about turnips? TAYLOR: Why did you say turnips? RORY: Because you said turnips. TAYLOR: No, I didn't. RORY: I think you did. TAYLOR: Nope. RORY: Okay. TAYLOR: But I've got turnips good ones, too. They're not as big as that crinite freak's turnips, but who needs bloated turnips? Mine are unassuming. I have nice, humble turnips. RORY: Okie dokie. [walks to the counter] Taylor's wigging. LORELAI: I know. He's been sitting there like the final days of Dick Nixon for almost an hour. RORY: Keep an eye on him. [a customer walks in and sits at the counter] LORELAI: Hello there, how's it going? CUSTOMER: Very good, young lady. You're still serving breakfast? LORELAI: We serve it all day. What'll you have? CUSTOMER: Two eggs up on toast. LORELAI: Up, huh? CUSTOMER: Yup. LORELAI: Wouldn't you rather have them scrambled? CUSTOMER: Nope, up's how I like them. LORELAI: Come on, scrambled's better. Give it a shot. Say you want two scrambled eggs on toast, please? CUSTOMER: Okay, young lady, two scrambled eggs on toast. LORELAI: Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck them! That's real live diner talk, see? The wreck them is the scrambled part. CUSTOMER: I deduced that. TAYLOR: I don't believe it, I don't believe it! LORELAI: What's the matter? TAYLOR: That's Babette with an armload of rutabagas, and there's Miss Patty again since when does she eat so much fruit? [Kirk enters the diner] LORELAI: Hey Kirk. KIRK: Hello. Where's Luke? LORELAI: Oh, he's busy with some stuff so Rory and I are helping out. What can I get you? KIRK: I don't know. I want lunch, but I'm not sure what to get. LORELAI: I have a suggestion. How about a hamburger with some strawberry ice cream with chocolate sauce for dessert? KIRK: Sounds good. LORELAI: Yo, burn one, then pass me a pink stick and throw some mud on it! God, I love this business. [The proprietor of the farmer's market enters the diner] PROPRIETOR: Boy, it's freezing out there. LORELAI: Yes, it's quite a cold snap. How bout a hot blonde with sand? PROPRIETOR: Coffee with cream and sugar would be great, thanks. Make sure its' foot's out the door. LORELAI: Put it in a cup to go, got it. PROPRIETOR: This icy weather hasn't kept customers away, though. They just keep coming. A lot of vegetable soup being eaten tonight, yesiree. Hope I don't put the good people at Campbell's out of business. Oh, hey Taylor. Didn't notice you there. TAYLOR: Hello. PROPRIETOR: Taking a little break? I don't see how if you're anywhere near as busy as I am. Keep waiting for a lull, I never get one. I say to the people, hey, I'll be back in a jif' and they're look at them they're lining up out there already. TAYLOR: Well, FYI, Van Halen hair, I'm plenty busy, but a good well-groomed businessman with properly prepared staff can take a break now and then. KIRK: It probably helped that your store was completely dead, too. TAYLOR: It was not dead. KIRK: I thought it was closed when I walked by, but then I saw Gabby sitting at the cash register reading a tabloid. TAYLOR: Shut up, Kirk. KIRK: Tapping on the counter with one of those little astrological scrolls. TAYLOR: Enough. LORELAI: Here you go. PROPRIETOR: Gracias. Oh boy, it's a mob scene. [leaves] CUT TO UPSTAIRS [Lorelai knocks on Luke's apartment door] LORELAI: Luke, it's me. [Luke opens the door] LORELAI: Hey. I brought you a wimpy with a rose pinned on it. LUKE: A what? LORELAI: Turkey burger with onions. LUKE: Oh, thanks. Come on in. LORELAI: How's the money pit coming? LUKE: Oh, just uh. . .that's it. LORELAI: What's the matter? LUKE: Nothing. None of them are coming not a one. LORELAI: Who? LUKE: My relatives the ones I booked all the rooms for not one is coming to Louie's funeral. LORELAI: You're kidding why? LUKE: I don't know, which lame-o excuse do you wanna hear first? A bunch of them claimed they can't get outta work. LORELAI: It's not so lame-o. LUKE: Randy and Barbara don't wanna miss their brat kid's rugby semifinal. LORELAI: Rugby has semifinals? LUKE: My sister never even called back. My cousins Paul and Jim, who my dad helped put through college, said they were too exhausted from a fishing trip. And slightly disturbed cousin Franny said she can't leave because her Petey's sick. LORELAI: Son? LUKE: Parrot. LORELAI: Petey the parrot? LUKE: I saw the stupid thing once on a visit, flapping its wings like crazy, banging around, squawking the only two words it knows over and over Petey and gorgeous. Gorgeous, Petey, gorgeous, Petey! LORELAI: That's disturbing. LUKE: My family's disturbing. LORELAI: I'm so sorry. LUKE: This is wrong, this is not how it's done. A family member dies, you pay your respects period. LORELAI: Look at it this way if they don't wanna be there, you don't want them there. LUKE: My dad wanted them to be there. LORELAI: I know. But hey, Louie lived in Stars Hollow most of his life, so a lot of people from here will be there, right? LUKE: Right. LORELAI: I know it's upsetting, but maybe it's better this way. LUKE: Yeah, I guess. I really hate that bird. [Rory walks into the apartment] RORY: Hey Mom? LORELAI: What's up, honey? You got a herd of bulls shopping for China? LUKE: What? LORELAI: Customers how long have you owned a diner? RORY: Sorry. Jackson's outside, he wants to talk to you, he says it's important. LORELAI: About what? RORY: I don't know. He seems upset. LORELAI: Ah. All right. You okay? LUKE: Yeah, thanks. LORELAI: You might wanna study up on that diner talk. LUKE: I'll do that tonight. RORY: Hey Luke, where's Jess? LUKE: I don't know, he's probably out playing basketball or something. RORY: That little punk. CUT TO DINER [Lorelai walks down from upstairs and stops at the counter to help a customer] LORELAI: Oh, hey, uh, can I take your order? CUSTOMER: Yes, uh, bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich, no mayo. LORELAI: Yo, uh, I need a piggy piggy with a green bla. . .uh, green bed, green blanket. . . BLT, no mayo! Rats. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai walks out of the diner over to Jackson] LORELAI: Jackson? JACKSON: I'm a miserable man. LORELAI: What's up? JACKSON: Remember that sweet, simple, affordable little wedding Sookie and I agreed on with minimal disagreement no disagreement, in fact perhaps the first time in the history of wedding planning that a couple agreed one hundred percent on everything? LORELAI: Yes. JACKSON: Gone. Ancient history. It's the Library of Alexandria, it's the Colossus of Roads, it's Pop Rocks, it's over, and do you know why? LORELAI: My mother? JACKSON: Look! [points to Sookie and Emily near the gazebo] LORELAI: What are they doing? JACKSON: They're measuring the town. LORELAI: They're what? JACKSON: They're measuring the entire town with tape measures. LORELAI: Oh my God. JACKSON: Your mother got hers at Neiman Marcus. It's platinum with gold leaf it costs more than my car! LORELAI: I am so sorry. JACKSON: Look, I love Sookie and I want her to have what she wants, but . . . you see what they're doing now? LORELAI: Yeah. JACKSON: According to their diagrams, that's where the sixteen-piece orchestra goes. LORELAI: How are they gonna fit a sixteen-piece orchestra in the gazebo? JACKSON: Oh, they wanna move the gazebo. LORELAI: What? JACKSON: A gazebo that's been there for a hundred years and they wanna move it. Who moves a gazebo? What kind of twisted mind even thinks about moving a gazebo? LORELAI: Okay, I'll take care of this. JACKSON: She's so excited. LORELAI: She's brainwashed. She's Patricia Hearst and my mother is the SLA. JACKSON: I just hope it's not too late. LORELAI: I hope so, too. [Rory walks by, pulling Jess behind her] JESS: Watch the shirt! RORY: Cork it! CUT TO THE DANCE STUDIO [Taylor is at the podium leading a town meeting] MISS PATTY: Well, it seems the right thing to do, Taylor. TAYLOR: I concur. When one gazes at Stars Hollow, one can easily overlook a vital component of its beauty and that's the humble yet spunky twinkle light. JESS: Holy cow. LUKE: It doesn't get fruitier. TAYLOR: Harry's House of Twinkle Lights has been an integral part of this time for twenty years, so it's only right that we honor his retirement. So I hereby designate next Tuesday, Harry the Twinkle Light Man from Harry's House of Twinkle Lights Day. JESS: Well, that just trips off the tongue. [Lorelai and Rory walk in] TAYLOR: Late again, are we? LORELAI: Yes, I hope I'm not pregnant! TAYLOR: What? LORELAI: Are these seats taken? LUKE: Don't drag me into this. TAYLOR: You really have to work on your punctuality, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half an hour ago. LORELAI: Uh, dirty! TAYLOR: I'm gonna take advantage of this unexpected pause in our proceedings to confer with Miss Patty about the next item on our agenda. LORELAI: What'd we miss? LUKE: Harry's retiring. RORY: The twinkle light man? LORELAI: What do we do for twinkle lights? LUKE: Go to any discount store? LORELAI: Blasphemy. RORY: What are you doing here anyhow? This is a town meeting for people who participate in and care about the town. JESS: Well, Corky's Country Cavalcade on public access was pre-empted, so I thought I'd check out the next best thing. LORELAI: I'm surprised you have time to be here. LUKE: I don't, but I haven't been able to get any of the war reenactors on the phone and I have to confirm them for Louie's funeral. TAYLOR: All right now, the last order of business is a matter relating personally to me, therefore I'm going to give Miss Patty my gavel. LORELAI: Again, dirty! TAYLOR: Stop that. Now don't go power mad. MISS PATTY: Oh, all right, gee. Now the chair recognizes Taylor Doose. Taylor, you have the floor. TAYLOR: Thank you, Patty. My issue, ladies and gentlemen, is in the form of a grievance against this hirsute hippie who opened a produce stand in the park. BABETTE: Oh yeah, killer veggies. SY: Tasty. MISS PATTY: The squash is beautiful. BABETTE: Sexy it's sexy squash. TAYLOR: Sexy or not, I demand that this man produce his permit post haste. PROPRIETOR: Got it right here. TAYLOR: Mm hmm, just what I thought. This is not the proper permit for this kind of business. This is a type twenty-four B, otherwise known as a cart, kiosk, cart, kiosk permit. This is not valid for your business. PROPRIETOR: Why'd you say it twice? TAYLOR: Hmm? BABETTE: You said cart, kiosk, cart, kiosk. LORELAI: It's repetitive. RORY: And redundant. LORELAI: It's repetitive. RORY: And redundant. LORELAI: We certainly are entertaining, Mac. RORY: Indubitably, Tosh. TAYLOR: It's not redundant. It's three separate things. It's a cart, a kiosk, and a mechanical hybrid referred to as a cart-slash-kiosk, hence cart, kiosk, cart/kiosk. BABETTE: He did it again. KIRK: He's been stressed lately. His store is deserted. TAYLOR: I'll make it simple. This is for businesses that roll in in the morning and roll out at night. Emphasis on the word roll rolling businesses, businesses that roll. PROPRIETOR: But I carry my tables out at night. TAYLOR: But you're supposed to roll them, Rapunzel, and carrying isn't rolling, is it? I mean, did anyone hear the word rolling come out of his mouth? Check the transcript, I think you'll find one word missing rolling! MISS PATTY: Transcript? LORELAI: Yeah, Taylor, this isn't Charlie Rose. BABETTE: He's losing his marbles. ANDREW: It's just a personal vendetta. KIRK: His store is deserted. MISS PATTY: I think that we should end the meeting right here, Taylor. TAYLOR: Wait a second, wait a second! You there, when Lady Godiva here wanted to be town troubadour over you, I stood by your side. Why aren't you backing me now? TROUBADOUR: Cause you left me twistin' for a long time before you did, Taylor, and it didn't feel good. I even wrote a song about the experience. LORELAI: Oh, I heard it. It's called "Taylor Left Me Twistin'." RORY: Oh yeah, it's really good. TROUBADOUR: You think? Because I'm having a little trouble with the chorus. Taylor left me twistin', he set my eyes a mistin'. I'm just not sure if it has that thing, though, you know? LORELAI: Oh, no, I love that part. I actually thought that maybe at the end you could do more about the sweater. We'll talk. MISS PATTY: I'm gonna wrap this up. TAYLOR: Now, Patty, how would you feel if this guy decided to open the long-haired freak school of dance or the long-haired freak diner, Luke? Or the long-haired freak bookstore? It's not good, right? MISS PATTY: All right, everybody who agrees that we would not feel good about that, say aye. ALL: Aye! MISS PATTY: Meeting adjourned, goodnight. LORELAI: Another fun one! LUKE: Taylor, hold on a sec! RORY: [to Jess] Don't you have some cleaning up to do over at the diner? CUT TO OUTSIDE [As people exit the meeting, Luke runs over to Taylor and the other reenactors] LUKE: Guys, hold it, come on, you heard me calling you, stop! TAYLOR: What is it, Luke? LUKE: What do you mean, what is it? My Uncle Louie's funeral is tomorrow afternoon and I haven't heard from any of you. The man was a World War II veteran, that's what you reenactor freaks do you go to vet's funerals, so you're gonna be there, right? Hello? TAYLOR: You said you were gonna talk to him, Sy. SY: Bert said he was gonna do it. BERT: It's Taylor's job. SY: You always pass the buck. LUKE: Talk to me about what, guys? TAYLOR: You might as well know, Luke. We don't wanna go to Louie's funeral. LUKE: What? ANDREW: We all hated Louie. LUKE: Oh, come on, that's not true. TAYLOR: He always had a scowl on his face, not a kind word for anybody. He would light those hideous cigars, blow smoke in people's faces and then spit after each puff. SY: He was disgusting. ANDREW: And mean. KIRK: He kicked my dog when I was a kid. SY: He hit on my wife repeatedly. KIRK: Toto was always different after that. SY: My wife was much affected as well. KIRK: I'd toss her something to fetch and she'd start to run after it and halfway there she'd forget what she was doing. SY: She never enjoyed her soap operas the same after that. KIRK: She'd just lie down and go to sleep. LUKE: This is an exaggeration. BERT: We're not exaggerating. We threw a big party when he left town! SY: I made love to my life that night like I never have. KIRK: My Toto barked a happy bark, then quietly stopped breathing. She was old. LUKE: I don't believe this. ANDREW: Come on, Luke. You knew the guy. LUKE: This man was my uncle, okay, and a war veteran. He deserves a veteran's funeral, but hey, if you guys are too lazy to show up, then. . . TAYLOR: He's the lazy one. Never once did he participate in a town function. In fact, when we reenactors gathered, he'd throw things at us. SY: And not soft things, hard things. BERT: Rocks, and small tools. LUKE: Okay, I've heard enough. SY: And he got meaner as he got older. Never married, never had kids. BERT: A real loner. LUKE: To hell with you guys, who needs you! I might just throw rocks and small tools at you myself next time I see ya! TAYLOR: A defensive hothead, just like Louie! BERT: They're practically clones. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN [Sookie is sitting in front of a computer and Michel is looking over her shoulder as Lorelai walks in] SOOKIE: Oh my God, this is so hi-tech. LORELAI: Hey. What's going on? SOOKIE: I'm downloading wedding stuff from Prague. LORELAI: Oh, you're kidding. SOOKIE: It's streaming in right now. That's Internet talk streaming. Did you know that? And did you know it's not called Czechoslovakia anymore? It's just Czech Republic. Slovakia is its own separate thing. It's weird, isn't it? It's like if we just suddenly started saying there's no more Connecticut, it's just Connec. . . Ticut. LORELAI: Sookie, what are you downloading from Prague? MICHEL: Oh, this will much amuse you. SOOKIE: Color samples for the big ceramic stands. LORELAI: Big ceramic stands for what? SOOKIE: For the giant papier-m ch mushrooms. LORELAI: What are the papier-m ch mushrooms for? SOOKIE: For the midgets dressed like angels to dance under, silly. LORELAI: Oh my God. SOOKIE: Emily found the best papier-m ch mushroom maker in Paris. He's much better than the guy that makes them in Belgium what a hack. LORELAI: Sookie, honey, I need you stop staring and streaming for one second. We need to talk. MICHEL: Please, please do not talk her out of these things. I do not want to die without seeing midgets dancing with a mushroom. LORELAI: Stay out of this. MICHEL: Oh, you're no fun. SOOKIE: What is it honey? LORELAI: The danger of Emilyworld is that you don't always know you're in it, when actually you are. SOOKIE: Aw, not this Emilyworld stuff again LORELAI: Sookie, have you run the numbers on any of this? What is this costing you? SOOKIE: I don't know the full cost but your mother is getting me fifty percent off everything. She is so connected. LORELAI: Okay, but fifty percent off a load of money is still half a load of money. You don't have half a load to spend. SOOKIE: Well, if I scrimp I can afford a quarter load. LORELAI: That's still too much. SOOKIE: Well, your mother said she'd chip in a little. LORELAI: Sookie, that is way, way, way inappropriate. SOOKIE: I didn't take her up on it but it was nice. LORELAI: Sookie, this isn't you, the midgets and the mushrooms and God knows what else. And it isn't Jackson either. SOOKIE: What do you mean? LORELAI: We talked. SOOKIE: You and Jackson talked? LORELAI: I'm sorry but he came to me all upset, and I love you Sookie and I love him too and it just seemed like it was time for me to meddle. SOOKIE: He was upset? LORELAI: He was pretty upset. SOOKIE: Why didn't he just talk to me? LORELAI: Because he's Jackson, he wants you to be happy and to give you everything you want. So what it comes down to is is this what you want? SOOKIE: Well, maybe the midgets are a little over the top. And the mushrooms. . . oh my God, it's all sounding so silly now. LORELAI: You're coming out of it, keep going. SOOKIE: No, no, it's not what I want! We were supposed to keep this nice and simple. God, we had it all worked out. LORELAI: So go back. SOOKIE: I will go back. That is, if Jackson still wants to marry me. LORELAI: Of course he still wants to marry you. SOOKIE: I'm gonna call him and I'm gonna tell him it's all changing back. LORELAI: Good. [Lorelai's cell phone rings] SOOKIE: Ooh, I should call and cancel some stuff first. I've gotta call Belgium and Oslo and, uh, oh, Copenhagen, Bora Bora. LORELAI: What did you order from there? SOOKIE: I'm gonna shield you from that one. LORELAI: Thanks. [answers phone] Hello?. . .Luke!. . . Slow down, slow down. . . Okay, I'll come right over. [hangs up] I gotta go. Call, call, and welcome back, friend. SOOKIE: Thanks. Ooh, I'm gonna start with Hong Kong. I'm hoping those acrobats can get another gig. CUT TO FUNERAL HOME [Luke is waiting impatiently near a casket as Lorelai walks in] LORELAI: There you are. What . LUKE: It won't close. LORELAI: What? LUKE: The lid. LORELAI: To what? [sees casket] Oh, hello. . . Louie. LUKE: That's Louie. LORELAI: Nice tan. So, now, you say the lid won't close? LUKE: Yes, the lid won't close. LORELAI: Did you buy the right size? LUKE: Of course I bought the right size. FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It's the model we recommend for those of medium height and weight. LUKE: And he's of medium height and weight. LORELAI: So then why won't it close? LUKE: Because of the stuff. LORELAI: What stuff? LUKE: The stuff. He left a list of stuff he wanted buried with him. FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It's not uncommon. LUKE: It's a very long list. His fishing reel, bowling trophy, a flask, his antique dueling pistols, his copy of Sherman's Memoirs. LORELAI: So is all the stuff in there now? LUKE: Yes, it is. I shoved it in the best I could but now it won't close which defeats the entire purpose of having a damn casket in the first place. LORELAI: May I? LUKE: Give it a shot. [Lorelai tries to push the lid close, but it pops back up] LORELAI: Whoa! LUKE: The football signed by Johnny Unitas gives it that bounce. LORELAI: What if we moved the gas mask and the pith helmet down towards the feet? LUKE: That end already has every baseball card he ever bought, thousands of them. LORELAI: Oh, bungee cord! No. Um, what if we got some people from the office here, you know, accounting or whatever, to sit on the lid and then we could latch it? Do you have anybody you could spring. . .hm. I'm out of ideas. LUKE: So am I. You know what, to hell with this. To hell with this! LORELAI: Luke, now come on. LUKE: I can't deal with this anymore! LORELAI: Well, it has to be dealt with. LUKE: No, it doesn't. It's not as if he deserves my help or my respect. LORELAI: The man was your uncle. LUKE: He was a jerk! LORELAI: Don't say that. LUKE: No, no, Taylor and the guys were right. I was cutting Louie slack out of respect for my dad, but the man was rotten and mean and selfish all his life. For God's sake, he's even selfish in death. Other people would've loved to have had those baseball cards. I would've loved to have those baseball cards. He's got Lou Gehrig's rookie card, Joe DiMaggio, Willie Mays, tons of others but no! My uncle, King Tut, has to take all of them to the afterlife with him! FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Sir, your voice. LUKE: I'm done, I've had it. From now on, it's just the bare minimum and that's it. Dig a big hole and just dump the casket in unlatched. If stuff falls out, fine. Just pile on enough dirt and make sure nothing's showing! [leaves] LORELAI: I'm assuming that wouldn't be appropriate either? FUNERAL DIRECTOR: No. LORELAI: I didn't think so. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Jess is walking around the tables refilling coffee] CUSTOMER: Young man, where's the young lady we've heard so much about who's using those delightful old diner phrases to place people's orders? It sounds so fun. Could you point her out for us? JESS: No. [walks to counter] That's everyone. I'll be upstairs. RORY: Thanks for doing the very least you could possibly do. JESS: You're welcome. [Luke enters the diner] LORELAI: Luke, there you are. I was worried. LUKE: Yeah, sorry, I should've called. Thanks for covering again. This'll be the last time, I promise. LORELAI: It's okay. Where were you? LUKE: Well, at first, I walked around a bunch, ya know, just trying to clear my head. Saw a lot of Hartford and what a cesspool. LORELAI: Well, you're not a city man. LUKE: Then I calmed down after awhile and I figured dumping Louie's body in an open grave with all his stuff probably would be a little cold. LORELAI: Just a tad. LUKE: So I got a Yellow Pages and I found the Big and Tall Casket Shop in Hartford. LORELAI: You're kidding. LUKE: Nope, I found a casket that would fit my hundred and sixty pound uncle and his hundred and forty pounds of stuff, got the lid to shut the first time we tried it, so the funeral's on as scheduled. LORELAI: Good. LUKE: I still don't know why I'm doing this. LORELAI: You're doing it for your dad. LUKE: Yeah, I guess. Although he's dead so he'd never know if I was doing it any different. LORELAI: He knows. He's got the big Luke picture screen on twenty four hours a day and he watches and smiles. And you're doing it cause you're you. LUKE: Hey, I'm gonna change real fast and you can retire from your diner career forever. LORELAI: Oh no, it's fun. I came up with some new diner phrases. Do you know what a Lucky Duck Cluck is? LUKE: Not offhand. LORELAI: It's foie gras with chicken and green shamrock frosting. LUKE: Why would anyone ever order that? LORELAI: If they're high. [sees Emily enter the diner] Ugh, good grief. LUKE: What? LORELAI: Bad vibe sandwich just came in, better retreat. LUKE: I won't be long. [goes upstairs] LORELAI: Hi Mom. EMILY: Since when do you work here? LORELAI: I'm just lending a hand. What's going on? EMILY: I went by the inn to work with Sookie on her wedding. LORELAI: Yeah? EMILY: And she fired me. LORELAI: I'm sure she didn't fire you. EMILY: She claims to have changed her mind on all the things we had planned. LORELAI: Well, maybe she did. EMILY: No, she didn't. I know what's behind this. That is, who's behind this. LORELAI: Mom, it was getting to be too much for her and too much for her fianc . EMILY: I knew it. LORELAI: Mom, these are not wealthy people, do you understand that? They're saving for a home and your midgets were dancing between them and their dreams. EMILY: You say midgets like it's so absurd. LORELAI: Do you hear yourself? EMILY: I don't see what was so wrong with my just helping Sookie plan her wedding. LORELAI: Mom, come on. EMILY: What, come on? LORELAI: You weren't planning Sookie's wedding. EMILY: Well, then, whose wedding was I planning? LORELAI: Mine. EMILY: Don't be ridiculous. LORELAI: Mom, your vision for this wedding and all the over the top stuff and the gazillion dollar flowers and bunting and champagne fountain and the Haute Couture dress who's wearing that wedding dress in your mind's eye, Mom? Is it Sookie or is it me? EMILY: I wasn't planning your wedding, Lorelai. LORELAI: Right. EMILY: The wedding I was planning was for Sookie. The mushrooms and colors, they all seemed like fun. A little crazy, just like she is. It definitely was not for you. LORELAI: Okay Mom. EMILY: I know that in a million years, you would never let me plan your wedding. I gave up on that dream a long time ago. Yours was going to be a Russian winter theme the Romanovs. LORELAI: Before the firing squad, I assume? EMILY: Snow white roses, trees with white lights and candles, snow everywhere, you arriving in a silver sleigh with white horses. LORELAI: Wow. EMILY: You hate the idea. LORELAI: No, no, I just . EMILY: You just hate it. LORELAI: No, it just doesn't seem like me. EMILY: Yes, well, it would've been beautiful. LORELAI: I'm sure it would've been. EMILY: Anyhow, it's obvious that wouldn't even be appropriate anymore being as I'm probably standing in your reception hall. LORELAI: Excuse me? EMILY: Burgers and fries for the dinner? The bride walks down the aisle with a ketchup dispenser in her hand. LORELAI: Please tell me what you're talking about. EMILY: I'm talking about Luke. LORELAI: Luke? Mom! EMILY: Well, it's obvious, Lorelai. LORELAI: No, it's not, Mom. EMILY: You're with him constantly. LORELAI: He feeds me. EMILY: You bring up his name constantly. LORELAI: Once again, he feeds me. EMILY: The moment he calls, you run to his side. LORELAI: He's my friend, he needed me, I had to be there. EMILY: Yes, I know you did. [Luke comes down the stairs and walks over to them] LUKE: Hi. EMILY: Hello. I have to go. I'll see you for dinner tonight, Lorelai. And Luke, I'm sure I'll see you again soon. What do you think of the Romanovs? LUKE: They probably had it coming. EMILY: A match made in heaven. CUT TO CEMETERY [Lorelai and Luke are alone at the funeral] REVEREND: We're here, of course, to honor Louie, to pay our respects and to bid him a sorrowful goodbye. LORELAI: Are you okay? LUKE: Yeah. I'm not big on funerals in general. LORELAI: Nobody is. REVEREND: He passed away in his sleep, so the end came peacefully for Louie, which I'm sure is a great comfort to all who knew him. LUKE: The passing away part was a great comfort for all who knew him. REVEREND: I didn't know him. LUKE: Good thing. REVEREND: But I understand he was a fine man, destined to be missed by many. LUKE: Especially ones that were suing him. LORELAI: Stop. Sorry father. REVEREND: Reverend. LORELAI: Right. REVEREND: Now let us witness Louie Danes as he is interred and brought to the Lord. LORELAI: It was a nice service. Nice and, um, intimate. LUKE: I guess everybody deserves something at the end. Thanks for coming. LORELAI: I wouldn't have missed it. LUKE: That ain't me, is it? LORELAI: What are you talking about? LUKE: What Taylor said about me being like Louie, a loner, never being married and stuff. I mean, I am getting crankier as I get older, he's not so far off. LORELAI: You are not your uncle. I mean, would Louie ever build someone a chuppah, or help fix things around someone's house without being asked, or make a special coffee cake with balloons for a girl's sixteenth birthday? LUKE: Rory told you about that? LORELAI: Yes. And would Louie have taken in his sister's kid without hesitating and without asking for anything in return? LUKE: No one would've trusted Louie with their kid. He probably would've forgotten to feed him or something. LORELAI: You get my point? LUKE: Yeah, I get it. [he hears drumming] What's that? [he sees one of the reenactors walking onto the cemetery] Is that Andrew? LORELAI: I believe it is. [the other reenactors arrive] LUKE: That's all of them. [The reenactors start doing their salute] LUKE: Thanks. LORELAI: It's what your dad wanted. LUKE: Yeah. Oh, I know Louie would've hated this. LORELAI: That's just a fringe benefit. CUT TO SIDEWALK [Luke and Lorelai are walking toward the diner] LORELAI: Do you think he's in heaven? LUKE: I hope so, just so my dad can kick his butt around the place. LORELAI: Can you kick when you're in heaven? LUKE: It's probably frowned upon. LORELAI: Yeah, plus you're all see-through and gauzy and your dad's foot could go right through him. LUKE: This is a silly conversation. What's all this? LORELAI: I have no idea. CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S DINER [Luke and Lorelai walk into the diner, which is packed with people] LORELAI: Hi. LUKE: What's going on? RORY: It's kind of like a wake. LUKE: A wake? LORELAI: For Louie? RORY: I thought you set it up LORELAI: I didn't set it up. RORY: Well, it's going well, anyway. People brought a ton of food if you're hungry. LORELAI: Huh. LUKE: This is unexpected. LORELAI: Very. LUKE: Don't you have wakes for people you like? LORELAI: I think it might be for you. LUKE: Am I dead? LORELAI: Face it, Luke, people like you. LUKE: Shut up. LORELAI: And with charm like that, how can they resist? [The farmer's market proprietor walks up to Taylor] PROPRIETOR: Hey Taylor, cool threads. Very "One if By Land." TAYLOR: Mm hmm. PROPRIETOR: I see you're digging into the vegetables. TAYLOR: Thanks for the play by play. PROPRIETOR: Brought those myself. Hey, how was the funeral? TAYLOR: Shouldn't you be tending to your little stand out there, friend? PROPRIETOR: Oh, the stand's gone. TAYLOR: What? PROPRIETOR: It's gone, I'm all packed up, I'm outta here. TAYLOR: I don't get it. PROPRIETOR: I just grow all that stuff in my back yard and as of yesterday, sold it all. TAYLOR: You sold it all? PROPRIETOR: Sold it all, made enough money to do some traveling. Have you ever been to Israel? Turbulent, I know, but I thought I'd go down and try to plant some peace down there, know what I mean? See if it grows and see if it spreads. TAYLOR: Shut up. Why did you put me through all that hoohah at the town meeting if your vegetable business was just temporary? PROPRIETOR: Actually, you put yourself through it, Taylor. You put yourself through it. [Rory walks over to Jess] RORY: Nice spread. JESS: People have too much free time in this town. RORY: You did a good thing. JESS: What do you mean? RORY: I thought my mom set this up. Turns out she didn't. JESS: So? Wasn't me. RORY: It wasn't? JESS: Nah, no way. It wasn't me. RORY: If you say so. JESS: Look, the crazy ballet teacher called and asked when Luke was getting back from the funeral, if I could unlock the door. I came down, I unlocked the door, then went back upstairs and back to sleep. RORY: So you did do a little something. JESS: I unlocked the door. RORY: So that people could come in here and put this together. Nice. JESS: Nice for them, not for me. RORY: You facilitated it, you made it happen, so I guess that means that you're officially apart of our town now. JESS: Hey, wait a minute. RORY: Welcome. JESS: I am not part of this town. RORY: See you for some tree planting over at the Arbor Day Festival, buddy. JESS: Yeah, well maybe I can knock over a liquor store while everyone else is planting those stupid trees. RORY: As long as it's a liquor store in town, neighbor. [Rory walks over to a table where people are telling stories about Louie] SY: So, like I say, it's Halloween, right, and we're lucky Louie doesn't have razor wire around his yard, you know how he is. So finally one of the neighborhood kids, he gets all courageous and he goes sauntering up to the door and he goes trick or treat!' Louie finally throws the door open, looks at him and says, Did you get a Reese's cup tonight?' And the kid looks in his bag and he says, Yes sir, I did.' So Louie grabs it, says thank you very much!,' then slams the door in his face. LORELAI: I'm sorry I never met him. LUKE: He was colorful. KIRK: I never trick or treated again. MISS PATTY: So one day I'm at the post office, I'm in line when Louie just about knocks me over and he cuts in line. I said, Louie, there's a line!' So he says, Kiss my butt!' and I said, You mind your manners!' and he says, Please kiss my butt!' and drops his pants! BABETTE: Oh, I got one, I got one. Louie was parked outside Al's Pancake World, and I was trying to pull in the space behind him, when all of a sudden, he starts to back up, so I honk my horn and he it was just a little honk, no big deal but he . . .

Lorelai and Rory pitch in at the diner while Luke plans his Uncle Louie's funeral; Taylor is unhinged when a farmer's market opens in the town square and puts a damper on his business; Emily goes completely overboard in helping Sookie plan her wedding; Rory prods Jess into being more of a help; Luke is upset when family and friends cite Louie's unpleasant personality as a reason for not attending his funeral, but is comforted when Stars Hollow comes through for both him and his uncle in the end.

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RECAP [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene from 8x08: Battle Of The Hexes] PAIGE: Leave him alone or I'm gonna call the cops! HENRY: Don't bother. That's where he's headed already. PAIGE: You're a parole officer? PAIGE: (voice-over) [PREVIOUSLY_ON] HENRY: Still trying to figure you out. PAIGE: Why? HENRY: Because I can't, that's why. I do like a challenge, though. [Scene from 8x06: Kill Billie: Vol. 1] (Phoebe talking to Paige at the Manor.) PHOEBE: It's just so complicated, you know? I find this guy, this great guy, and then the spell and the premonitions just... mess everything up. (Billie talking to the three sisters in the attic.) BILLIE: The night my sister was taken... (Flash to a black-robed demon taking Billie's sister and flying out of the window.) That was the last time I ever saw her. [Scene from 8x05: Rewitched] (Agent Murphy introducing himself to Billie.) AGENT MURPHY: Agent Murphy, Homeland Security. (Piper and Phoebe talk to Agent Murphy in his office.) PIPER: You wanna know more about who we are and what we do, we'll tell you. PHOEBE: And help you out with a few cases along the way. If you help us. PROLOGUE [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL - DAY] (Magic school is in complete chaos; there's broken furniture all over the place, and the floor is surrounded with broken objects and ripped off book pages. We hear sounds of demons fighting and fireballs crashing not too far away.) (Paige and Piper orb in. They cautiously walk down the magic school's hallway.) PAIGE: Sounds like we found him. PIPER: Yeah, but what's he doing at magic school? PAIGE: What do you mean? This place is Demon Central. PIPER: And it's beating up other demons, that's not what Krycheks do. PAIGE: Yeah, but they also don't attack gnomes and leprechauns, but this one did. PIPER: Something's not right, it doesn't make sense. PAIGE: Yeah, well, what doesn't make sense is that we are tracking this thing. And what does the government want with this demon anyway? PIPER: That will be the first thing I'm gonna ask Agent Murphy when... (A demon flies past Piper and Paige, hits the wall and bursts into flame.) PIPER: (wide-eyed) ... we figure out what's going on. (A hideously deformed demon runs at amazing speed and growls at Piper and Paige.) PIPER: Uh-oh. PAIGE: Ah! (Paige throws a potion at the demon, but to no effect. Piper blasts the demon twice. The demon keeps walking and growling. Piper shrieks and blasts the demon a third time. The demon collapses.) PIPER: Ooh! PAIGE: That thing's a Krychek? PIPER: How is that possible? PAIGE: Who cares? Just vanquish it! PIPER: I already tried, and Agent Murphy wants us to bring the thing back. PAIGE: I'm not bringing that thing back! (A bunch of demons walk in. One of them, Emrick, throws a fireball at Piper and Paige.) PIPER: Go, go, go, go! (Piper and Paige orb out. The fireball goes crashing into the...) [OPENING CREDITS] PART ONE [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - SITTING ROOM - DAY] (Piper reads the Book of Shadows. Phoebe is standing next to Piper, holding a cup of coffee.) PIPER: See, this is what a Krychek demon is supposed to look like. PHOEBE: (drinks coffee) Well, maybe the one you guys were following is just a bigger one. PIPER: No, this wasn't just bigger. This was like going from you to Schwarzenegger. PHOEBE: That's so weird. PIPER: Yeah, scary weird. (Leo enters, holding two pairs of skis and ski boots.) PIPER: Oh, good! You found the skis! LEO: Yeah! They're kind of old, though. Maybe we should just rent new ones, you know. (Drops the ski boots on his feet.) Ow! Damn it! PIPER: Watch your language. Wyatt is picking up everything we say lately. PHOEBE: I'm gonna get some more coffee. Guys want anything? PIPER: No, thanks. (To Leo) You're okay with those? LEO: Yes, I got these. Listen, why don't you finish packing? I wanna miss traffic, okay? PIPER: I know, I'm gonna, I just, I need to talk to Agent Murphy first about this demon of his. LEO: Piper. PIPER: What, I can't just let it go, can I? LEO: Yes, you can! Come on, when was the last time we had a weekend together (enticing voice) alone? PIPER: (smiles) I know, and I promise nothing is gonna stop that from happening, I promise, but I... just kinda need to talk to him first. LEO: Why can't Billie talk to Murphy? PAIGE: (enters, holding a cell phone) Uhh! Because I cannot find Billie anywhere! She's not answering. Maybe we could just get her a pager? PIPER: Well, just keep trying. PHOEBE: (enters, holding her cup of coffee) Oh. Paige, Henry called for you last night. PAIGE: Why? What did he want? PHOEBE: Uh, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure he wants... you. PAIGE: That's ridiculous. PIPER: Why? Don't you like him? PAIGE: No! PHOEBE: Really? Then why is your face turning red? PAIGE: It's not turning red. I probably just put too much blush on. LEO (laughs) It's... kinda turning red. (Paige glares at him, Leo immediately stops smiling.) PIPER: (waves at Phoebe) Okay, why don't you and me go see what the government's not telling us, and I'll be right back, I swear. (Kisses Leo) PAIGE: (to Phoebe) Hey, don't you have a lunch date? PHOEBE: I can't 'til I'm done taking a little hiatus. PAIGE: From lunch? PHOEBE: (on her way out) From men! (Piper and Leo exchange glances.) PAIGE: (dials Billie's number) OK... Come on, Billie. (Flash to...) [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL - DAY] (Billie peeks at a bunch of demons gathered around the deformed Krychek that Piper and Paige previously encountered. The Krychek is lying on the floor, shivering in pain. He morphs to his previous self.) SOOTHSAYER: Curious. Very curious. EMRICK: He still attacked me. Why can't I have my revenge? SOOTHSAYER: Because Margoyle wants to find out how he transformed. Why he became so powerful. EMRICK: I don't care. I can't let a lower-level demon get away with... SOOTHSAYER: You can, and you will, Emrick. Otherwise Margoyle will attack you. (The Krychek screams and combusts into a pile of smoking ashes.) EMRICK: I didn't do that! (Billie walks past behind them. Emrick sees her and follows her into the library.) [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - LIBRARY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Billie starts searching for some books. Emrick creeps behind her.) EMRICK: Who are you? BILLIE: Me? Umm... I'm a student. Here at magic school. Yeah, you know, I-- I must have got stuck in an astral plane or something. Did you guys possibly redecorate? (Emrick grabs her throat) Ugh! (Billie flips the demon on the ground. She draws her athame and holds it by his throat.) BILLIE: Move, and you're dead, understand? EMRICK: What do you want? BILLIE: What I want is to find the demon that took my sister fifteen years ago, but since you and buddies trash this place, I can't find the books that I need. So you're gonna have to find him for me. (She presses her athame hard, gashing the demon's neck, causing him to groan in pain.) Her name is Christy. Christy Jenkins. Ask around. I'll be back. (Billie punches Emrick, who screams, and she walks away.) (Flash to...) [INT. MANOR - MAIN HALL - DAY] (The doorbell rings.) PAIGE: Ah! Billie, finally! (Paige opens the manor's door.) HENRY: (enters, holding a baby, sounds distracted) Hi, how you're doing... PAIGE: Henry, what are you doing here? HENRY: I need your help. Baby's mom got sent to prison. I got until the end of the day to find his dad or he's gonna get put into the system. PAIGE: And you're telling me this why? HENRY: (pleading) 'Cause I need you to watch him for me. PAIGE: Oh, no! I don't do babies. No. Sorry. No. HENRY: I tried callin'. PAIGE: Look, you can't just stop by and drop a baby in my lap! HENRY: Look, you said you're all about doing good, right? Here's your chance. PAIGE: No, that's not what I meant! HENRY: Ooh! You know how beautiful your eyes are when you're angry? PAIGE: Are you trying to charm me? HENRY: You think I'm charming? PAIGE: No, I don't! HENRY: Look, I'm doing this under the radar, okay? I can't keep Ram n in my office, Social Services could show up, they'll take him. (Paige rolls eyes, but holds out her arms.) Oh! Thank you. Here you go. PAIGE: (taking the baby) For the record... I resent this. HENRY: Yeah, he might need to be changed, too. I owe you! (Leaves quickly) [INT. HOMELAND SECURITY - AGENT MURPHY'S OFFICE - DAY] AGENT MURPHY: Ah! Good you're back. How did it go? PIPER: (folding arms) Not good! AGENT MURPHY: What do you mean? Where's our demon? PIPER: Our demon? Why don't you tell us a little bit more about "our demon"? PHOEBE: Like how the government got him in the first place. AGENT MURPHY: Uh... I don't really know. I wasn't in the loop. PIPER: Well, you need to get in the loop, and fast, because our demon was a little more powerful than we expected, and I'd like to know why. AGENT MURPHY: I'm sorry, but I can't tell you what I don't know. PIPER: (sighs) Phoebe, go get a premonition off him, see if he's lying. PHOEBE: No, I can't. PIPER: What do you mean, you can't? Just go touch him. PHOEBE: Seriously, I can't. I don't really believe in them anymore. PIPER: Ugh! (Turns to Phoebe) What do you mean? PHOEBE: Well, they haven't really worked well for me lately, so why should I listen to them? PIPER: That's not true. PHOEBE: Oh, really? Do I look pregnant to you? AGENT MURPHY: Ladies! Did you g-- PIPER: Hold it. (To Phoebe) I realize why you feel this way, and I understand, but you can't give up on your gift. PHOEBE: My gift gave up on me. PIPER: That is not true! AGENT MURPHY: Guys! Hey! Did you or didn't you get the demon back? (Piper and Phoebe glare at him) Well, that was the objective. PIPER: (sighs) Are you kidding me? We barely wounded it! AGENT MURPHY: So, you still gotta go get him! PHOEBE: Dude, are you deaf? PIPER: What did you guys do to that thing? AGENT MURPHY: I have no idea, okay? I swear. But if we don't get it off the streets, we all could get exposed. PIPER: (to Phoebe) There's the E word again. [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Billie enters, looking preoccupied.) PAIGE: (holding Ram n) Hey, where've you been? BILLIE: (bad liar) Class. PAIGE: Oh, really? I've been trying to call you all morning. BILLIE: Well, my cell phone died. PAIGE: (doesn't buy it) Oh? Yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm. (She dials Billie's number, Billie's cell phone rings in her purse.) BILLIE: (quickly turns her cell off) Yeah. So, umm... It's a great baby there. Is it yours? PAIGE: Forget the baby, okay? (Paige puts Ram n in his basket.) Where were you? BILLIE: Look. I've been handling this whole demon load just fine, so what I do in my own time, it's my business. PAIGE: You know what? You're doing the bratty thing, which means you are probably doing something you shouldn't be doing. Did you go at magic school? BILLIE: Yes. Yes, okay, but there's information there on my sister, so what do you expect? PAIGE: I expect you to be available when we need you! That is the whole point of us teaching you! BILLIE: Well, I'm not a doctor, okay, I can't be available 24/7! PAIGE: Yes, actually, you can, because you weren't around, I'm stuck taking care of this baby now! (Emrick, hideously deformed, shimmers behind Billie and snarls.) (Billie turns around.) PAIGE: (orbs baby) Nursery! EMRICK: Remember me, witch? PAIGE: You know him? (Billie throws her knife at Emrick; he groans, claws the knife out of his left shoulder and throws it at full force on Billie. She gasps and ducks right in time. Emrick throws a chair and a table out of his way, then hits Billie hard, scraping her neck.) BILLIE: Ahh! (Billie falls down. Emrick walks towards Paige, groaning.) PAIGE: (orbs Emrick) Magic school! BILLIE: (pants) Okay, so maybe I know him. [SCENE_BREAK] PART TWO [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - MAIN HALL - DAY] (Phoebe and Piper enter the manor. Phoebe goes through the mail as she talks to Piper.) PHOEBE: Can't we just get back to the freaky demon, please? PIPER: Yeah, we can. After I deal with you. PHOEBE: Ugh! I don't understand why you can't just let this go? PIPER: Look, I understand your problem with your premonitions, but why cancel all your dates? PHOEBE: Because they're me trying to make my premonitions come true. PIPER: So? PHOEBE: So, it's not working, okay? My conception date has come and gone. PIPER: Okay, Phoebe, it's okay to feel disappointed. PHOEBE: No, I'm not disappointed, you know? I'm relieved. PIPER: So now you don't want a baby? PHOEBE: No, of course I do. I definitely do. Just not right now, okay? No men, no babies. Just me. What's so wrong with that? PIPER: Nothing. Nothing is wrong with that, except for the fact that it's not you. PHOEBE: (sighs) Don't you have a ski trip to get ready for? (Notices Billie sweeping broken glass in the living room.) What the hell? PIPER: Language! [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] PHOEBE: Hi! What happened? BILLIE: Umm... A demon attacked us. I guess I kinda ticked him off at magic school. PHOEBE: Magic school? What were you doing there? BILLIE: Look, Paige already gave me the what were you thinking speech, so... PIPER: So what were you thinking? BILLIE: Look, I only went there so I can get more information on my sister. PHOEBE: I understand you want answers. We want answers too, but that cannot be your primary focus. (Notices Billie's neck wound) Oh, sweetie, you're hurt! BILLIE: Oh. No, that's just a scratch. PHOEBE: Okay, but a hair deeper and you would've needed stitches. BILLIE: Really, it's not a big deal, I'm getting used to it. So anyway, Paige thinks the demon did the same Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde that the one at magic school did. So whatever got him all hulked out, he was able to track me. Which is cool! I mean, bad cool, but still kinda cool. PIPER: So now there's two of them running around out there? BILLIE: No, actually, I saw yours go poof back in magic school. He's dead. PHOEBE: Oh. Murphy will be excited about that. PIPER: Yeah, but why are all these demons running around on steroids? It doesn't make any sense. BILLIE: (eagerly) Do you want me to check the book, so you can still go on your trip? PIPER: Yeah, sure, uh... thanks. You're still in the doghouse. (Ram n can be heard crying.) PHOEBE: That's not yours. PIPER: That's not mine. [INT. MANOR - KITCHEN - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Ram n is crying, sitting on a chair. Paige, next to him, is mixing something in a bowl.) PIPER: (to Ram n) Hi! (to Paige) Where'd you get that baby? PAIGE: Oh, Henry, uh, dropped him off with me. PIPER: Uh, because? PAIGE: Because he likes to see me squirm. No, apparently, the baby's mom is in jail, and we're trying to find the dad. PHOEBE: Well, that's very noble of him. PAIGE: Yeah, well, ten bucks says he knows where to find him. PHOEBE: Told you she likes him. PIPER: Hmm. PAIGE: (coaxes the baby into eating) Yeee-hmm! PIPER: Hi, buddy! Does he have a name? PAIGE: Yeah. This is Ram n. PHOEBE: So, uh, Billie told us what happened. PAIGE: Yeah. I talked to her about it, you know, but I can't really blame her. PIPER: She said the demon looked like the Krychek. PAIGE: Yeah, only in size and in power. Billie said when she confronted him before, he wasn't nearly as big. Did you get anything out of Agent Murphy? PHOEBE: Just that he wants the demon back, which is kind of disturbing. Now that Billie saw him die, I don't really think it's our problem anymore. PIPER: I'd still like to know what's making them so powerful. PAIGE: Okay, well, I have to get Henry to take this baby somewhere else because it is too dangerous around here. Pheebs, will you watch him for me? PHOEBE: What? No, I ca-- I can't, I have stuff that I have to do, I mean, you should probably take him with you, right? PAIGE: I can't! Social Services might be there waiting to take him. Oh, come on, you love babies. PHOEBE: Yeah, I know, I'm just, you know, focusing on other things right now. PIPER: (takes the baby and gives it to Phoebe) You know, I think this is precisely what you should be focusing on. PHOEBE: Uh-- uh-- I mean-- uh-- PIPER: Come on! She's gotta go to Henry, I gotta go romance my husband, it's just a baby, it doesn't bite. PAIGE: Did I miss something? PHOEBE: Nothing. PIPER: A lot. Mmm. See ya! (Piper leaves the kitchen.) PAIGE: All right. (Gives Phoebe the baby's blanket) Here you go, honey. (Paige follows Piper.) PHOEBE: OK, little one. Apple sauce... (Flash to...) [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL - DAY] (Several demons are mumbling, gathered around the main table. Emrick lies on it.) EMRICK: (shivering in pain) What's happening to me? MARGOYLE: (walks in) They're dying like all the others. It's happening all over the underworld. What have you learned? SOOTHSAYER: I'm still studying his bo-- MARGOYLE: (grabbing the soothsayer by the throat) Studying? I don't have time for you to study. I want you to know. (Releases the soothsayer.) I want to harness this great power before another overlord does. Without meeting his fate. SOOTHSAYER: At least this one's lived the longest. He may hold the key to preventing the power from killing you. MARGOYLE: How? SOOTHSAYER: If I can isolate the one cell fragment in his blood that's causing it... (Emrick bursts into flame and combusts into a pile of ashes. The soothsayer steps back, startled. Not overly pleased, Margoyle powers up an energy ball.) SOOTHSAYER: Margoyle! Please! I just need a little more time! (Margoyle throws the energy ball at him. The soothsayer screams and explodes.) MARGOYLE: Time's up. (A Tracker walks towards the table.) What do you want, Tracker? TRACKER: Last night I saw The Charmed Ones attack the Krychek. MARGOYLE: So? TRACKER: This morning, their new witch attacked Emrick. Both demons had the power you seek. MARGOYLE: Which means they must be off to the power as well. Perhaps we should let them find it for us. (The tracker nods.) Follow them. (Flash to...) [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] (Billie touches her neck scar. She looks uneasy. She flips through the Book of Shadows. Leo enters.) BILLIE: Oh, hi. Hey. LEO: Hey. BILLIE: How's, uh, packing going? LEO: Ah, it's great. Great. Two-day trip, Piper thinks she needs a third suitcase. (Leo takes a suitcase in the back of the attic.) Making any progress? BILLIE: No. There's nothing in this book that says how to supercharge a demon. LEO: Well, it means none of their ancestors confronted anything like it before. It's just a book of their experiences. Have you started your own Book of Shadows? BILLIE: No. Why, should I? LEO: Yeah, I think every witch should have one. They can pass it off from generation to generation. BILLIE: Oh. LEO: You're okay? BILLIE: Yeah. You know, I'm just a little worried. I mean, all about all these... demons. LEO: Well, get used to it. BILLIE: (calls Leo on his way out) Hey! Are witches and demons different species? LEO: What?! BILLIE: You know, like dogs and cats, how they can't get each other sick and stuff. LEO: (thinks) Uh... I guess so. Why? BILLIE: OK. Good. No reason. Have a good trip. LEO: Thanks. If we ever get there. (Billie watches Leo leave. She flips through the Book of Shadows absentmindedly, then touches her scar again, looking queasy.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HENRY'S OFFICE - DAY] HENRY: (on the phone) Well, if we check implement records, we're at least gonna know where he worked last. I mean, he has to feed himself, right? He needs some food. Bring me that file then. (Paige enters.) HENRY: (on the phone) Oh, yeah. PAIGE: Hey. HENRY: (still on the phone) Yeah, you have it, I don't have it. Just bring it here. (Henry hangs up. To Paige) Is everything okay? Where's the baby? PAIGE: Ram n is fine, he's with my sister, but you know, you gotta find another place for him to stay. HENRY: Why, what's wrong with your place? PAIGE: It's just not a good place for him to be right now. HENRY: Why not? PAIGE: It just isn't! HENRY: More secrets, huh? PAIGE: Henry. We barely know each other. HENRY: You don't want to tell me this, fine. It's okay. PAIGE: It's not that... yeah, actually, it is that. Anyway, can you please find somewhere else for him to go? HENRY: Paige, I can't. PAIGE: Why not? HENRY: Seriously, Paige, if I don't find the father before Social Services finds out, they're gonna stick Ram n in a foster home. They will do that. PAIGE: (sits down) Well, you know, I mean, sometimes, foster homes aren't all that bad. HENRY: (fiddles with papers) It was for me. PAIGE: You were in a foster home? HENRY: Look... I just need a little more time, okay? I know I can find the father, he used to be a parolee of mine. PAIGE: Was the mom too? HENRY: Yeah. But the dad, he turned out great, I mean, he straightened out his act, and... ugh, he probably doesn't even know he has a kid. PAIGE: Are you sure it's his? HENRY: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, she told me. Ram n's the one thing she wouldn't lie about. But I've been showing his pictures all around where he used to hang, and... just nobody knows anything. (Cop enters.) COP: Hey! Got those implement records you wanted. (Paige discreetly snitches a photo of the dad and puts it in her back pocket.) HENRY: Ah... did happen, huh? This is what I want. PAIGE: Okay, uh, well, I'm gonna go. The sooner we can find him, the better. HENRY: Paige. PAIGE: Yeah? HENRY: Thanks. PAIGE: You're welcome. (The cop ogles at Paige as she's leaving.) HENRY: What you're looking at? [INT. MANOR - PIPER'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Piper and Leo are packing. A lot of clothes are spread out on the bed. They're taking an awful lot of stuff for a two-day trip. Leo tries to close a overly full suitcase.) LEO: You sure you need all this stuff? PIPER: Yes. PHOEBE: (enters, holding a crying Ram n) Just so you know, I know what you're trying to do, and it's not gonna work. PIPER: Okay, just so you know, I know what you're trying to do, and I will be relentless. PHOEBE: I just want to stop him from fussing, that's all. PIPER: Phoebe, come on! You're a natural with babies. PHOEBE: (looks at Ram n) Not right now I'm not! PIPER: For crying out loud, he's probably just hungry. Just take him down to the kitchen, heat up a bottle. PHOEBE: That's a good plan! (Hands Piper the baby) Here you go. (Leaves speedily) PIPER: No, no, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no! Wait, wait, wait! Phoebe, no, don't--! Damn it! LEO: (mocking) Language! PIPER: Now sure, now he stopped fussing. LEO: Talk about a natural. PIPER: Yes, and I have the stretch marks to prove it, thank you. What am I gonna do with Phoebe? LEO: Worry about her when you get home. What's the big deal? She takes a little break from dating. PIPER: The big deal is it's not who she is! The woman is a love machine, and if she gives up on men, something is very very wrong. And I know it's just that she's lost faith in her premonitions. LEO: So... making her watch a baby is gonna make it better? PIPER: Look, I'm working with what I've got. (Looks at Ram n) Hi! Maybe we should just stay. LEO: Oh, for God's sakes. (We hear broken glass and Phoebe screaming. Piper and Leo startle.) PIPER: (gives Leo the baby) Here. Take this. Take this, take this, take this! Stay here. [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (As Piper walks down the stairs, Phoebe flies through the living room and lands hard on a small table, breaking it into pieces. Piper runs to her and helps her get up. She sees a scary-looking grunting creature walk towards the living room.) (Piper's about to blast the creature.) PHOEBE: No, Piper! It's Billie. (Deformed Billie growls menacingly at Piper and Phoebe.) No! Don't! You might blow her up. (Deformed Billie hurls a table across the room with tremendous strength, breaking it, then jumps towards Piper and Phoebe.) OK! Blow her up. (Piper's blow pushes Billie against the wall, knocking her unconscious.) [SCENE_BREAK] PART THREE [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Phoebe and Piper both look at unconscious Deformed Billie.) PHOEBE: I don't know what happened. I mean, one second, she was helping me warm up the milk, and the next, she was throwing me around the room like a rag doll. PAIGE: (enters) What happened? Another demon attack? PHOEBE: Not another demon, it's... Billie. PAIGE: That's Billie? What happened to her? PIPER: We don't know. PAIGE: Where's Ram n? PIPER: He's safe, he's with Leo. Uh... right now, we need to figure out how to help her. PHOEBE: Before she goes poof, too. PAIGE: Uh... maybe we should call the Elders. PIPER: Maybe you're right. I'll go do that. Um... Paige? PAIGE: Yeah. I'm gonna get the baby out of here. I've got a photo of his dad, so it should take about two secs to scry for him. (Paige walks to the attic.) PIPER: Phoebe, why don't you stay with, uh... Billie here? PHOEBE: Okay. Hurry! (Phoebe crouches and looks at Billie, worried. Billie moans weakly.) [INT. MANOR - KITCHEN - DAY] (An elder orbs in.) ELDER: We know why you called. PIPER: Are you spying on us again? ELDER: No. But we know what happened to Billie. What happened to her is happening all over the magical community. We don't know what's causing it yet. It seems to be some sort of a... virus, and it's spreading fast. PIPER: I don't understand. How is that... ELDER: Possible? I'm afraid whatever this virus is, Piper, wherever it came from, it doesn't discriminate against good or evil. It can infect all magical creatures. Even you and your sisters. PIPER: So what do we do? ELDER: We have to find a cure. An antidote. But before we do that, we have to find the source first. PIPER: How much time does Billie have? ELDER: Not long. Although we have learned that the more powerful you are, the quicker the virus consumes you. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HENRY'S OFFICE - DAY] PAIGE: (comes in, holding Ram n) Hi, hey. HENRY: Paige, what are you doing? You can't bring him here! PAIGE: Oh, it's okay, I found his dad. HENRY: What?! PAIGE: Yeah. Ernesto. (Hands him a slip of paper) There. That's got his work number, his home number, uh... place where he likes to go have a drink. Might wanna talk to him about that new dad and all. Being a new father... HENRY: Wai-- wait, wait. I don't understand. How did you find him? I've been looking for him everywhere. PAIGE: (shrugs) I have my ways. HENRY: Oh, really. Would you care to elaborate? PAIGE: No. Not really. Look, you wanted the baby to have a chance, and now he has one. HENRY: (gratefully) I don't know what to say. PAIGE: You don't have to say anything. My pleasure. Okay, I gotta go. HENRY: Is everything all right? PAIGE: No, not really. A friend of mine is in quite a bit of trouble. HENRY: Maybe I can help. PAIGE: It's very sweet of you, but no. Take care of the baby, okay? [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Phoebe holds a pillow for Billie, but as she crouches to adjust it, Billie wiggles.) PHOEBE: (calls) Piper! Something's happening to Billie! (Piper rushes in. Billie reverts to her previous self.) PIPER: Oh no. PHOEBE: Oh no? What does oh no mean? What did the Elder say? PIPER: They think it's some kind of virus and that she must have contracted it from the scratch. PHOEBE: So the demon gave this to her? PIPER: If we don't find an antidote soon... she'll die. PHOEBE: No, I mean, we can't let her die. There's gotta be something we can do. We can't just do nothing, Piper. PIPER: Well, we gotta figure out where it all started and who it all started from. Paige, where are you? (Paige orbs in.) PAIGE: What? What happened? PIPER: We gotta get to Agent Murphy's, I'll explain later. Quick, quick, quick... (Piper and Paige orb out.) [INT. HOMELAND SECURITY - AGENT MURPHY'S OFFICE - DAY] (Agent Murphy is going through some paperwork. Piper and Paige orb in. Agent Murphy startles.) AGENT MURPHY: Y-you can't just... (Piper blows up his phone.) What the... PAIGE: (waves her hand, locking up the door) Lock! PIPER: You're not telling us everything, Agent Murphy, and we're running out of time. PAIGE: You need to tell us everything you know about that demon, now! AGENT MURPHY: But I've told you everything I know. PIPER: See, I don't like that answer. (Piper blows up Agent Murphy's desk lamp.) AGENT MURPHY: Are you out of your mind?! This is a Federal office! PIPER: Listen to me. Whatever you guys did to that demon created a virus, a virus that can infect every magical creature there is. If we don't find a cure, and soon, Billie will die. Do you remember Billie? Cute, blonde, perky? Yes, she's gonna die. So we would like some answers, and now. Paige? PAIGE: (waves her hand) Chair! (Paige orbs the chair Murphy's sitting in; he falls hard on the floor.) PIPER: You're gonna tell us how this whole thing started. (Agent Murphy stands up) Or the next thing I'm gonna blow up will be you. (A worried Agent Murphy adjusts his tie.) [SCENE_BREAK] PART FOUR [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOMELAND SECURITY - AGENT MURPHY'S OFFICE - DAY] AGENT MURPHY: (opens a file cabinet and takes a folder out of it) I did some digging after you left. (Gives Piper the folder.) Look, all right, if I would've known, I would've told you, but it wasn't cleared for all the details. (Piper sits down. Piper and Paige start going through the folder's contents.) PAIGE: They found a demon in the desert? AGENT MURPHY: Yeah, but it was a fluke. He was injured, that's the only way the task force was able to capture it. Government just wanted to... wanted to study it, you know. Learn from it. PIPER: I keep seeing the word "injected". What did they inject him with? AGENT MURPHY: Human blood. They were just trying to find a way to combine it with the demon's blood to extract his powers. PAIGE: Powers? Why? AGENT MURPHY: To inject this serum back into people. (Paige lifts eyebrows.) Soldiers. PIPER: To make them more powerful? AGENT MURPHY: But it didn't work. When the test subject didn't react, project was shut down. Apparently, when they were decided what to do with the demon, that's when he escaped from the containment unit. PAIGE: So now he's out there spreading the virus that you guys created? PIPER: You said the test subject didn't show any side effects? AGENT MURPHY: No, none. PAIGE: Where are you going with this? PIPER: I'm thinking the test subject's blood probably holds the antidote we're looking for, if he was immune to its effects. (Piper stands up.) Where can we find him? AGENT MURPHY: I don't know. I mean, he was only referred to here as Patient X. Like I said, when the experiment was shut down, all his records were destroyed. PAIGE: There has to be something that we can use to find him. AGENT MURPHY: (takes folder) Well, the only thing I can think of is this I.D. tag we got here. (Agent Murphy hands Piper a plastic slip, she examines it.) But I already scanned the barcode and all the information has already been erased. He could be anywhere. (Fade to...) [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT] (Billie is lying on the couch, her eyes closed, covered with a blanket, looking sick. Phoebe, sitting by her, holds her a glass of water.) BILLIE: (drinks) Thanks. I must be pretty bad off if you're waiting on me hand and foot. PHOEBE: Well, don't get used to it, 'cause you're going to be just fine. BILLIE: Am I? I'm dying, aren't I? PHOEBE: No, you are not dying. Listen, do you have any idea how many times I have almost died in the last seven years? BILLIE: Yeah, but this is different. I'm sorry, I should've listened to you. PHOEBE: Stop it. It's okay. We're gonna save you, and we're gonna save magic, while we're at it. BILLIE: How can you save magic if you don't even believe in your own anymore? Heard you talking to Piper. PHOEBE: I'll be right back. I'm gonna get you some more ice. (Phoebe walks to the kitchen.) [INT. MANOR - KITCHEN - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Phoebe, holding a plastic bowl, tries to use the ice maker, but it doesn't make any ice. She opens the refrigerator's door, then suddenly slams it shut and throws the plastic bowl. She seems completely lost. She sits down and holds her head in her hands.) (Paige and Piper orb in. Phoebe sniffles.) PAIGE: How's Billie? PHOEBE: Not good. What'd you guys find out? PIPER: It was a government secret experiment. They mixed things they shouldn't have. PAIGE: Basically, their demon was the outbreak monkey that caused all of this. PHOEBE: Okay, so if they made it, then they must have a cure, right? PIPER: Well, they don't even know how they created it. PHOEBE: Yeah, you don't know that for sure. I mean, for all we know, this could've been their intention. PIPER: Phoebe, it's not a conspiracy. They just screwed up. We had a shot at an antidote, and they screwed that up too. PHOEBE: What shot? PAIGE: They injected somebody with Krychek's blood and it had no effect. PHOEBE: Okay, then maybe the cure is in the blood, right? PIPER: (sits next to Phoebe and shows her the ID tag) Okay, look, this is all we've got, and what we don't have is enough time. We've gotta find this patient X, convince him to give us some of his blood so that we can make an antidote, fix us and then fix Billie. Even if we pool all of our powers together, we may not have enough time. PHOEBE: Then let's get stronger. Let's get Billie to infect us. PAIGE: What? Are you nuts? Phoebe, we could die. PHOEBE: Not if we find the antidote first. PIPER: Still, there's no guarantee it's gonna work. It's very risky. PHOEBE: (scoffs) Yeah... Tell that to Billie. Look, I don't see the point of having powers if we can't use them to save someone that we care about. (After Paige, Piper and Phoebe leave the kitchen, the ironing board morphs into the Tracker demon. The Tracker smirks, then shimmers out.) [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Billie, still on the couch, seems lifeless. Phoebe, worried, runs to her and shakes her gently.) PHOEBE: Billie? Billie, wake up. Billie, wake up. (Billie opens her eyes. Phoebe sighs, relieved.) I think we figured out a way to save you. But we're gonna need your help. (Phoebe takes Billie's athame.) BILLIE: (weak voice) Wait. No, no, no. PHOEBE: It's okay. Trust us. (Slices her hand) PAIGE: (to Piper) Shall we tell Leo? PIPER: No. I know what he's gonna say. (Phoebe gives Piper the athame and touches Billie's wound. Piper takes Paige's hand.) Come on. (Paige groans in protest.) Oh, come on, it won't hurt... much. (Slices Paige's hand.) PAIGE: Eech. (Piper slices her hand. Paige, Piper and Phoebe press their hands together. Billie starts shuddering, Piper freezes her.) PAIGE: How long is that gonna last? PIPER: Hopefully, long enough. [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - NIGHT] LEO: I haven't found an antidote yet. PIPER: That's okay. I think we have. (Piper cracks her neck. The Charmed Ones morph into scary-looking creatures.) LEO: (aghast) Holy crap... DEFORMED PIPER: (shrieks) Language! (Deformed Piper slaps Leo so hard he flies across the attic and lands crashing into a bunch of boxes.) [SCENE_BREAK] PART FIVE [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - NIGHT] DEFORMED PHOEBE: (grabs Piper by the shoulders) Leave Leo alone! DEFORMED PIPER: (struggles) He's my husband! (Paige pushes Piper.) What did you do that for? DEFORMED PAIGE: (pushes Piper again) I just felt like it! LEO: (stands up) Stop it! You guys are gonna kill each other! How did this happen? DEFORMED PHOEBE: We made it happen! DEFORMED PIPER: All right, we have work to do. (Phoebe wipes off all the books on a table and unfolds a map. Paige holds her pendulum, Piper gives her the ID tag. The pendulum starts swinging at incredible speed. Leo looks worried. Cut to...) [INT. BUILDING HALL - NIGHT] (A janitor is cleaning the floor with a wet mop. Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in. The janitor looks up and freezes in horror.) JANITOR: My god. (Four demons, one deformed, shimmer behind him. One of them invokes a fireball.) DEFORMED PIPER: Duck! JANITOR. Duck? DEFORMED PHOEBE: Get down! (The demon throws a fireball at the janitor. Paige holds her hand up and deflects the fireball.) DEFORMED PAIGE: Fireball! (The fireball hurls back towards a demon, vanquishing him. Piper runs towards the deformed demon and keeps blasting him. They fight. Phoebe kicks a demon; the force of the blow vanquishes him. Paige flips another demon on the ground, vanquishing him as well. Piper slams the deformed demon against the wall, and rips his heart off. The demon screams and explodes. Margoyle shimmers behind the janitor, gashing his arm. He smiles smugly, displaying his bloody fingertip, and shimmers out.) JANITOR: (terrified, to The Charmed Ones) What do you want from me? DEFORMED PAIGE: We want you to save magic. DEFORMED PIPER: And us. DEFORMED PHOEBE: (nods and grunts) Yeah. (Fade to...) [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT] (Billie wakes up, looking fresh again. She looks around, and sits up.) PHOEBE: (comes in with a cup of coffee, hands it to Billie) Whoa! Easy! Easy. Slow. BILLIE: Umm... what happened? PHOEBE: Cliff Notes version: we hulked out, kicked ass, and saved the world. You know, just another day at the office. BILLIE: Yeah, I can see that. PHOEBE: Uh... We got the antidote to the Elders, and everyone is being cured right now as we speak. BILLIE: What about the demons? PHOEBE: They got to the antidote too. BILLIE: You guys risked yourselves to save me. PHOEBE: Well, we gotta keep you around so you can find your sister, right? BILLIE: I don't know what to say. PHOEBE: You don't have to say anything. We think of you as part of the family now. Not gonna let anything happen to you. (Paige and Piper orb in.) PIPER: Hey, sunshine! It's good to see some color in your cheeks. PAIGE: Yeah, grey and pasty - not your color scheme. PHOEBE: How'd it go with Murphy? PIPER: Well, he decided we were a little too difficult to work with, so I don't think we'll be hearing from him again anytime soon. PHOEBE: (mock indignation) How rude! PIPER: Meh. PAIGE: Well, if you guys will excuse me, I'm gonna go check on little Ram n. PIPER: Don't you mean Henry? PAIGE: No. I mean Ram n. PHOEBE: Kiss him for me. PAIGE: Henry? PHOEBE: No! Ram n. PAIGE: Oh. Okay. (Paige leaves. Piper smiles.) PIPER: He got to you, didn't he? The baby. PHOEBE: Don't you have some kind of ski trip to get ready for? PIPER: Yeah. PHOEBE: Yeah. (Phoebe laughs with Billie.) (Fade to...) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HENRY'S OFFICE - NIGHT] ERNESTO: Why didn't Tina tell me we had a kid? HENRY: (holding Ram n) Look, Tina's a little messed up right now, okay? That's why she's back in prison, she didn't make it. But you did! Now your son Ram n needs you. ERNESTO: I don't know if I can do this, man. HENRY: I know you can, Ernesto. ERNESTO: Don't you think he'll be better off with somebody else, you know? HENRY: He doesn't have anybody else. It's you or the state, buddy. Ernesto, look at me. Too many sons, they grew up without their dads. That's how you got where you were a while back, right? Now you got a chance to break that cycle. Do right by him, and by you. ERNESTO: (nods) How do I hold him? HENRY: (gives him Ram n) I don't know, man. You just do. Cradle his head, there. You got him? ERNESTO: Yeah. (Looks at Ram n) Kinda looks like me, don't he? HENRY: Yeah, he does. And I got you some diapers and stuff, just to get you started, you know. You gotta heat up the milk, too, though, right? But I mean, not too hot. Call the lady at Social Services if you have any questions. (Gives Ernesto a bag.) You got it? Here you go. And I'll come by later, I'll check upon ya. ERNESTO: Okay. Thanks, Henry. HENRY: Don't thank me, you can thank the lady who found you. ERNESTO: What lady? HENRY: Paige Matthews. (Paige enters at this very moment, Henry doesn't see her.) Beautiful lady, great smile, a little wacky? (Paige stays at the doorway, folding her arms.) She didn't find you? ERNESTO: No. HENRY: All right, man. Get out of here... dad. Take care of your son. (Ernesto leaves. Henry turns around and sees Paige.) PAIGE: (walks in) So, uh... what happened to the big lug who didn't know a thing about babies? HENRY: Well, I guess I'm a quick study. PAIGE: You're sure it wasn't just an excuse to talk to me again? HENRY: I guess you're gonna have your secrets, so I'll have mine. PAIGE: (nods) Fair enough. So I've got a great smile? HENRY: Yeah, you do. (They both smile at each other.) [INT. MANOR - 2ND FLOOR HALLWAY - NIGHT] (Phoebe walks down the hallway. She stops as she sees Ram n's blanket laying on a crib. She walks to it and touches it.) (White flash to...) [EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL - DAY - PHOEBE'S VISION] (Phoebe turns around.) PHOEBE'S LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, mommy! (She sees her future self, crouching, holding her little girl's hands.) FUTURE PHOEBE: Ooh, hi! Did you have a good day at school? PHOEBE'S LITTLE GIRL: Yeah. FUTURE PHOEBE: Do you have homework? (Future Phoebe laughs, then kisses her little girl's hand. She turns around, sees Phoebe and walks over to her.) I knew you'd come here sooner or later. PHOEBE: Really? How's that? FUTURE PHOEBE: Well, because six years ago, I was you standing there talking to me. PHOEBE: Wait, so if you are me, then who are you talking to? FUTURE PHOEBE: Don't try to figure it out. It'll hurt our head. PHOEBE: Our head? FUTURE PHOEBE: The important thing is is that you're here now. For a reason. And to find answers. PHOEBE: Okay, you know what, don't get all cryptic with me, please, not after the day I've had today. FUTURE PHOEBE: Oh, I remember the day you had. It's the day you lost faith in your premonitions because of all you've been through and all your disappointments. You were promised something, something that means the world to you, and you're afraid you might not get it. PHOEBE: Will I? FUTURE PHOEBE: I'm living proof of that. And so is she. (They both look at their little girl.) (White flash to...) [INT. MANOR - 2ND FLOOR HALLWAY - NIGHT] (End of Phoebe's vision.) (Phoebe smiles.) LEO: (off-screen) Piper, please! PIPER: Oh, come on! What's one more pair of shoes? (Sees Phoebe and walks over to her.) Are you all right? PHOEBE: (still smiling) Yeah. Never better. FADE TO BLACK

Phoebe has decided to take a hiatus from men. Piper seems to think Agent Murphy and the government is hiding something from the sisters. She and Paige discover that an experiment with a captured demon created a deadly virus that is infecting the magical community, including Billie.

fd_Schitt_s_Creek_01x13

fd_Schitt_s_Creek_01x13_0

(Heavy panting) (Footsteps pound, huffing and puffing) (Huffing and puffing) (Birds chirp, cicadas drone) (Door bursts open and bangs shut) (Gasping for breath) (Claps) (Tries to speak but can't) (Gasping for breath) We're getting out! (Panting) We're finally getting out! (Hysterical high-pitched laugh) Alexis: (Laughs unsurely) David: Oh my God. I mean it! Alexis and Moira: (Shriek excitedly) (High-pitched laugh) Alexis: (Laughs and shrieks) David: Oh my-oh my God! Oh my God! Moira: (Bawling) Johnny... Johnny: Told you I'd sell this town. Didn't I tell you? David: Yes. Not to diminish your accomplishment, but you did say that a handful of times. I think eight, to be exact. It bears repeating. Alexis: My little suity-cases! Oh! Moira: David? Should I take this with me? If I'm being perfectly honest, it's very low on the totem pole of coats of yours that I like, but- Moira: It was a gift from your father. Hey, that's a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kiminski auction. Moira: I did get sick of having hot coffee and blood thrown at me. You know who covets this coat? Jocelyn. I could bestow it upon her as a parting gift. We may want to put pen to paper before we start giving away designer clothing, sweetheart. It would be her first piece of clothing made outside of mainland China. I'm gonna do it. Alexis: Honestly, I cannot wait to get to the beach. David: What? Alexis: Yeah, I'm going to St. Barts with Jenna, Leisha, and... Some other girl with an "ah" name that I can't quite remember. David: Huh. Alexis: Why? What are you doing? David: Well, I'm gonna go to New York and um... see some people. Alexis: Oh! What people? You don't know them. Just people. I thought everyone just kind of dropped you like flies when you couldn't pick up the tab at the Waverly anymore? Well, that's absolutely not true. I just have a different kind of relationship with my friends where we don't need to be in constant contact with each other. Alexis: Okay. You should um... come to New York after you're done. And do what, eat a cronut at a Brooklyn flea market? Well, I was thinking maybe we could get a... A two-bedroom apartment in Manhattan and not have to live in Brooklyn. Honestly, David, and like no offense, but when I get out of here, I'm gonna get my own place so I can pack how I wanna pack and I don't have to be called a circus freak all the time. Moira: Ding-dong. Jocelyn: Moira, hey! Moira: Hi, Jocelyn. Gosh, you look so glamorous today. Oh, thank you. Some days it just works. Yeah. (Laughs) So I guess you heard the news. I heard there was someone interested in buying... Yes, we're leaving. I didn't know it was finalized. And since we're leaving... dear God it feels good to be saying that! I would like to give you this as a little keepsake to remember me by. Wow. Is-is it a wig? No. It's a coat. It's the coat. What coat? The coat you kept going on about that one time. Are you sure it was me? Oh, it's absolutely tragic, Jocelyn, that I will never see or speak to you ever again. Jocelyn: Well... Moira: But I will have my memories and you will have this incredible coat. Goodbye, dear friend. Goodbye, Moira Rose. (Car rumbles by) Ted: Hey! What're you doing here? Alexis: Um, can I... ? Ted: Yeah, yeah, come on in. (Cat meows, dogs bark, phone rings) Alexis: Hey. Ted: Hey. Um... so big news. We've sold the town. Ted: Wow. O-okay, and... Alexis: And we're leaving. We're leaving? Well, me and my family are leaving. Oh. Yeah... Oh. Okay. Well, in that case then, um, here, there's something that I need to show you. Alexis: Okay. (Flustered) Uh... Originally, we were gonna be on an all-inclusive vacation when I did this... What's an all-inclusive vacation? (Gasps) Alexis Claire Rose... Will you marry me? (Hesitating) Uh... uh... Yes! If I was staying, then yes! A thousand times, yes! And if things were different and I wasn't leaving, um, then definitely yes! So... is that a no? Yes... ? (Box snaps shut) (Birds chirp) (Bag thumps) Stevie: Are you stealing Roland's truck? Yeah. It's not exactly a Tesla, but it'll get our bags to the airport. So you wanted to see me? Yeah. I had an idea. Oh-oh. What if you came with me to New York? Stevie: (Laughing) What? David: Yeah. Are you ser... really? Mm-hmm. Stevie: New York?! David: Yeah. I don't even know what I would do there. Oh, you just watch a season of "Girls" and do the opposite of what they do. It's easy. You have this like whole life there, with all these fancy friends... Who, in my head, at least all dress like you, and I feel like I'd get lost in the mix. Mm-hmm. Well, all of my friends will probably be away for the summer and I have found a really beautiful two-bedroom in the East Village. It's beautiful, so... Oh, two bedroom. Yeah. I mean, I was looking at three bedrooms, but do I really need an office? I don't... I don't know. Yeah... right. You're coming! You're coming to New York! Pack a bag. Pack two bags. How many bags do you have? Stevie: (Laughs dryly) I'm saving you from this dumpy town. See you soon! (Music plays quietly, dishes and cutlery clank) Johnny: Oh, Twyla... Twyla: Oh, hey, Mr. Rose. I heard you guys were leaving. Johnny: Yes, yes, we are, and I just wanted to thank you for all the great service over the past few months. You're welcome. Yeah, judging by your tips, I was never really sure. Oh. I'll have a coffee when you get a minute. (Door opens and closes) Roland: Johnny, I gotta talk to you. Listen, uh... I don't wanna piss in your punch bowl, okay, but um... I got a bad feeling about this buyer guy of yours, Andy... Johnny: Roberts. Right, right. Roland: Roberts. Very successful. His family made a fortune in the shelving business. Okay, fine. Um... He called me while he was bumping uglies with this old lady. Oh no, really? But that's not the problem. The problem is he put me on the speaker phone. I mean, who would do such a thing? I mean, that's something you would do. As soon as he put me on his speakerphone, Johnny: No, no, Roland: I thought of you. Johnny: That's not something... and I can't deal with another you. But-but-but don't worry, 'cause... Roland: Well, I am worried! Johnny: It'll be fine. Roland. Roland: This is the guy who's gonna buy the town? Johnny: Just relax. Man: (Obnoxious laughter) Yeah, and here's the kicker... The second one was a hooker too! (Laughs) Yeah, yeah. Okay, see ya. See ya. Excuse me, honey, do you know where I can find Johnny Rose? I got a meeting with this freakin' douche. Roland: (Coughs) The douchebag is right here. (Clears throat) (Birds chirp, rollers rattle) So... you're leaving. What'd Ted say about that? Uh... he proposed. Really. So what'd you tell him? I told him I was leaving. But if you weren't, you would? 'Kay, is this a Barbara Walter special or something? I'm leaving. That's it. You don't seem to be crying about it. Mutt: I think it's nice you're going back to your natural habitat. I'm not a dolphin, Mutt. You know what I meant. I'm happy for you. Oh. I'm glad you're happy about it. You know, you should really work on expanding your emotional range at some point. (Roller bangs against building) (Loud obnoxious laughter) Roland: So what you're saying is, he got a little short with you? Andy and Roland: (Uproarious laughter) Johnny: You, uh, you weren't quite seeing eye to eye? Johnny: (Chuckles) Roland and Andy: (Silence) Andy: So, are we gonna sign this puppy or what? Johnny: Oh, there's a good idea! Andy, I've got the bill of sale right here, and... if you wanna put your John Hancock right there on that first tab- Roland: Whoa-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba. Hold on a second here. I think I got a better idea. Andy: What's that? Roland: Why don't you come over to the house tonight and try some of Jocelyn's famous mac and cheese. We can sign this then. Andy: And cheese... Johnny: Or... or we can sign it now, and then we can dive into some mac and cheese. Right here, Andy. I... I love it. You know, I could really use a good home-cooked meal. Well, right after we sign, we can all have one. Andy: And according to Roland here, Jocelyn's hot stuff. I can't leave town without meeting her. But then again, if she's that hot what's she doing with this guy? (Uproarious laughter) I can't help it if she's got taste! Andy: Oh yeah, right. Yeah, taste. Yeah. Roland and Andy: (Laughing uproariously) Johnny: (Feigned laughter peters out) [SCENE_BREAK] (Birds chirp) (Stamping forcefully) Well, excuse you in that coat! I know! Jocelyn gave it to me. What?! Knock-off's are getting so good these days. Thanks. I can't wait till winter. I'm gonna feel like Patty LaBelle. So you did good work, princess. Alexis: Thank you. Ronnie: Yeah. Perfect attendance, nothing but glowing reviews. And you must have done a some number on Mutt. What do you mean? His hours were up a month ago, he kept coming anyway. Alexis: What? Ronnie: Yeah, maybe he just got bored... Or maybe he just likes pretty girls in hippy hats. Know what I mean, string bean? David: (Frustrated sigh) Stevie: That's a lot of bags. David: There's still some space for you though, so don't worry! Stevie: Yeah... so, um, about New York. Uh, it sounds amazing, but I can't do it, so... Wha-what-what-? Why? What? Uh, I don't think we're on the same page with what going to New York means. Okay. What does it... does it mean... something? Ugh... (Sighs) I like you. I don't want to like you but I do... And so sharing a space with you as roommates isn't gonna work for me. Um... so I'm gonna take a pass, but um... I'm sure you have a lot of friends who would love to live with you. Yeah, not as many as you'd think, so... Um... okay. Well, thank you for being honest and um... I wish I could fix this situation. Um... you've been a great friend. You've been my o-only friend, so... great, nevertheless. Um... you've made my life here survivable. Survivable. Thank-thank you. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. David: So now I'm gonna go back to New York... by myself and um... and you can just stay here then. (Shaky exhale) Yeah. I think that's... That's how it has to be. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. (Sniffs) Stevie: Okay, bye. (Receding footsteps) (Sniffs and sighs) Andy: (Mouth full) Yeah, my granddad... (Chewing) Opened our family's first shelf factory in a small town just like this one. I tell you, this place is bursting with opportunity. Well, bursting seems to be the operative word. Andy: Mm! So good! Roland: Whoa! Slow down there, pal! We got dinner coming and a big desert after... Andy: Oh. Roland: s*x in a pan. Andy: Oh? Roland: Then we'll have dessert! (Laughing boisterously) I love it! This guy's a prince. He's a prince! So... did you try it on? Jocelyn: What? Moira: The coat. The one I gave you. (Lying) Yes. It's... it's great. Moira: Not too snug? Jocelyn: Nope. Buttoned right up. It zips. Jocelyn: Zips. It zipped right up! Moira: You didn't try it on, did you? Jocelyn: No. Moira: Oh, why not? It's a great coat! At least let us see it on you. (Fridge door slams) I gave it away. I'm sorry. It just... it didn't suit me and... I thought about Ronnie and you know she could always use some more feminine pieces in her wardrobe, and so I took it over to her and she really liked it, so I paid it... forward. Moira: Well, Jocelyn, there are... certain things that are just not done: Smoking in a car with a baby, unless you crack a window; tipping before tax; mixing drinks with cola; and giving away a coat that doesn't belong to you. (Birds chirp, chopping sound) (Knock at the door) It's open. (Door creaks open) Alexis: Hey. Um... I just came to say... That we'll be leaving as soon as the sale's signed, so... Mutt: You must be super excited. Alexis: Yeah. Why did you do all that extra community service, Mutt? Mutt: Extra community service? Alexis: Ronnie said that your hours ended a long time ago, so... I like to stay active. Alexis: Really? Mutt: What do you want me to say? Alexis: Well, could it maybe be because of the fact that you... Enjoy my company? Sure. Don't you even care that I'm leaving? Of course I care. Alexis: Then what're you doing? Mutt: Why are you yelling? Okay, I'm gonna ask you one more time. Mutt, why did you do that extra community service? (Whispers gruffly) You know why! Why can't you just say it? (Feet scuffle) (Passionate kissing) Roland: What a lovely surprise! Come on in. How are ya? I'm just wondering if my dad is here. Roland: Yeah, your dad's here. Uh, Johnny? Your kid's here. Jocelyn: Does he wanna come in? Roland: I don't think so. Jocelyn: He doesn't wanna come in, okay. David, what're you doing here? I'm just wondering when you think we're gonna have the check ready? Well, this is not the time for that, David. Okay, well, you gave me this town as a gift, so I feel like I'm owed a little bit more. So fifty percent for me, fifty percent for you. David, I'm in the middle of something important. Well, if I'm gonna be going to New York, by myself, then I'm gonna need a little bit more money. Johnny: Well, that's not gonna happen. David: Well, it has to happen. Johnny: It's not gonna happen. David: Well, it has to... Talk to the hand, son, because I've got to watch a pig eat. (Door opens and closes) Moira: What did David want? As owner of the town, he wants half. I tell you, Joc, this freakin' delicious! Mm! Everyone's so greedy. Jocelyn: Well, let me take your plates. Andy: Okay, good. Johnny: There you go. Jocelyn: Um, Andy, you look a little dewy. Andy: Oh. Jocelyn: I'll get you some fresh coffee. Andy: Oh, good idea. Is it just me or is it this dessert that's-that's making me horny? (Laughing) Johnny: I think it's just you, Andy. Andy: Oh. Roland: You know what? I think I should let you guys do the nasty. (Clears his throat) And then sign the contract! (Laughing) Andy: You! This guy! This guy! Johnny: Oh, he's a prince, isn't he? Andy: Yeah, he's a prince. Yup. Johnny: Okay, well... I think you are getting bargain... Andy: Really? Johnny: With this, Andy. And to make things easy, I'm going to uh... Put my signature down first. How 'bout that? Andy: $975,000 dollars! Wow. That's a heck of a lot of cheddar! Don't you think so, sweet cheeks? Sweet cheeks? Aren't you the old fashioned charmer. Oh! Rrrow! (Laughs) Ready for your signature, Andy. Drum roll please. You know, Andy, $975,000 suddenly seems like such a girly number. What are we doing, honey? I mean, a million... That's bold, that's sexy. Andy: That's quite the little lady you have there. (Lecherous moan) You know, I think the little lady's right. What's an extra $25,000, Andy? Come on, it's chump change. It's cab fare. $25,000? For you? Come on. You can cough it up. All right, let's call it a million! What the heck! Johnny and Moira: (Quietly) Yes! Yes! Andy: (Laughs uproariously) Johnny: There we go! Andy: (Moans strangely) Johnny: Just initial and sign on the dotted line. Andy: (Moans) Johnny: Sign on... What's happening? What? Oh my God! Andy! Andy! (Andy moans) We had him, we had him. We had... Moira: Okay, put the pen in his hand. Sign! He was going to sign. Johnny: Here we go, here we go. Moira: He was going to sign! Moira: You, sign! Johnny: Andy? Moira: He wanted to sign, John. Johnny: Here we go. He wants the town. That's it, that's it. Just on the line. Jocelyn: What is happening here?! Johnny: (Feigning surprise) What? What happened? Oh no! Andy! What- Moira: Circulation, Johnny! Circulation in his hand... Johnny: Circulation? He can't even hold a pen, the poor guy. Moira: There. He needs... Johnny: Circulation. Moira: Over the line, over the line. Jocelyn: I'm gonna call an ambulance. Johnny: What? No! Wait! No, no, no, no! No, not yet! Look, he's looking better already. (Shrieks) Wake up, Andy! People do come out of comas. Moira: Oh, I'd kill for a good coma right now. (Approaching footsteps) Alexis: Hey. Moira: Where were you? Alexis: I was out. So I'm gonna go keep packing. Moira: Wait. John? I don't have the heart. The deal fell through, honey. So when are we leaving? Moira: We're not leaving, Alexis. We didn't sell. Alexis: We're not leaving? (Gasps) (Sinking in) Oh... Moira: Are you going to be all right? I'm pretty sure I'm engaged, and I'm pretty sure I just cheated on my fiance. Johnny: She'll be okay. Where's your brother? (Still stunned) Who? Johnny: David! (Stunned silence) [SCENE_BREAK] (Truck rumbles) [SCENE_BREAK] (Truck accelerates)

Johnny finds a potential buyer for the town; David and Alexis realize they have become attached to Schitt's Creek.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_01x17

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_01x17_0

1. CAVE OF FIVE HUNDRED EYES (SUSAN and PING-CHO continue yelling BARBARA's name. SUSAN screams - pointing to the cave wall...) SUSAN: They moved... The eyes moved! [SCENE_BREAK] 2. INTERIOR - WAY STATION AT TUN-HUANG (POLO and IAN have returned to the way station after an unsuccessful search for BARBARA. They are having a conversation with CHENCHU.) CHENCHU: Oh, Tegana took a horse, and rode off. POLO: To the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes? CHENCHU: So I believe my lord. POLO: (To IAN.) When will your companions realise I know what I'm talking about when I say it's dangerous to wander about at night? First Barbara, and now the Doctor goes off, taking Susan and Ping-Cho with him. IAN: All right, Marco, you can be angry later. Let's get to this cave. Do you know where it is? POLO: Yes. (POLO and IAN leave for the cave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. CAVE OF FIVE HUNDRED EYES (In the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes, the DOCTOR closely examines the wall. In particular, he is trying to discover the eyes which SUSAN claimed had moved.) DOCTOR: It must be your imagination, child. These eyes didn't move - it's quartz. SUSAN: I saw them move, grandfather. I swear, I did. DOCTOR: Oh rubbish, child. PING-CHO: (As TEGANA walks into the cave.) Look! Look! DOCTOR: Tegana! TEGANA: What are you doing here? DOCTOR: If you must know sir, we are looking for Miss Wright. TEGANA: Well, why would she be in this cave? DOCTOR: (Holding up the handkerchief.) I think this is your answer. We found it. (TEGANA looks nervously around the cave.) TEGANA: You found that here? SUSAN: (Pointing to a dark area of the cave.) Yes - over there. TEGANA: In the passageway... it is not wise to remain in these caves - they are possessed with evil spirits. DOCTOR: I'm not afraid of ghosts. TEGANA: Oh yes, I forgot, you're the magician, aren't you? (The DOCTOR laughs at TEGANA's superstitious nature.) IAN: (Shouting out.) Doctor! Susan! SUSAN: It's Ian! IAN: Susan! (The two groups shout back and forth at one another, and eventually IAN and POLO and reunited with the rest of the group.) IAN: Have you found Barbara? SUSAN: No. DOCTOR: She dropped this handkerchief - we found that over there. (The DOCTOR hands the handkerchief to IAN.) IAN: (Examining the handkerchief.) It is Barbara's. TEGANA: Leave before the spirits are angered. DOCTOR: (Chuckling.) This man thinks this cave is haunted. PING-CHO: He's not the only one. Susan saw the eyes in one of the faces move. DOCTOR: Oh rubbish child, rubbish. IAN: Which face Susan? SUSAN: (Pointing to a particular face on the wall.) This one here. (IAN walks over to the wall, and examines the face.) IAN: (Excited.) Marco, quick! Look! (POLO rushes over and joins IAN next to the wall.) TEGANA: (Shouting at the wall.) Do not strike them down, great spirits of Hashashins. Depart! The War Lord Tegana entreats you. IAN: (Referring to the wall.) Is it safe for us to look now? TEGANA: Do as you will. (Once again, the DOCTOR chuckles at TEGANA's superstitious nature.) DOCTOR: Well, what are you looking for Chesterton? IAN: Susan was right - she did see the eyes move. DOCTOR: Oh, rubbish, rubbish! SUSAN: Of course I did! DOCTOR: What proof have you? IAN: I've just seen them move myself. Look - these eyes you see here have been set in from behind. There must be some sort of a room behind this rock face. Look! There's a crack... there's a door here! TEGANA: Yes... all we need now is to find out how to open it. (IAN and POLO feel around the rockface until they find the opening mechanism for the door. The secret door glides open...) POLO: Ian! (...revealing a Mongol warrior about to kill a dazed Barbara. SUSAN screams. TEGANA immediately rushes forward and slays the warrior. BARBARA is immediately untied by IAN and is very distressed over the whole affair.) IAN: It's all right, Barbara... BARBARA: That dreadful man... There were four of them... They played dice to see who'd kill me. That dreadful man... and he won... he won... (BARBARA indicates the dead warrior.) IAN: (Comforting BARBARA.) All right Barbara. You're safe now Barbara. Safe now. Don't worry... [SCENE_BREAK] 4. INTERIOR - WAY STATION (The group have returned to the inn at Tun-Huang. POLO and TEGANA are talking in the main room.) POLO: We were just in time, Tegana. A moment or two later, and she would have been killed. TEGANA: What is that to you? POLO: I'm responsible for their safety. TEGANA: Why not... let go... let them go on their way. POLO: My conscience does not permit it. Look, I took their caravan away from them. The least I can do is see them safely on their way home. TEGANA: You think they hold you in such esteem? POLO: The Doctor, no, with good reason. The others, yes. TEGANA: Marco, which one leads them? POLO: The Doctor. TEGANA: And leaders are obeyed. Has not that cunning Susan already won Ping-Cho from your side? POLO: She's a child, Tegana. TEGANA: Only a fool defends his enemies! Be warned Marco - they will set us at each other's throats by lies and deceit, and then, when they have divided us, then they will destroy us one by one. POLO: They are harmless Tegana. TEGANA: Harmless? They possess a caravan that flies! POLO: What power they have is locked inside it, and I have the key. TEGANA: This very evening, Marco, when we were out looking for this Barbara, Chenchu thought the old man was in his room. He was not. Marco, he was out there with his caravan. (TEGANA points towards the courtyard, where the TARDIS sits.) POLO: What are you saying? TEGANA: I'm saying does a magician need a key to open a door? (At that moment, IAN, BARBARA, SUSAN and PING-CHO appear from their rooms.) POLO: (To BARBARA.) How are you feeling? BARBARA: A little bit shaky. POLO: You realise you're most fortunate to be alive. BARBARA: Yes, I know. POLO: Why did you go to the cave? You know my rule about obtaining permission to leave here. (BARBARA hesitates...) IAN: Tell him Barbara. BARBARA: I followed Tegana there. TEGANA: (Shocked.) Me? I've only been there once, and you were there when I arrived. BARBARA: But that's not true! I followed you there. TEGANA: I have only been there once! BARBARA: But why would I lie? I was almost killed. POLO: Be quiet! TEGANA: (To POLO.) Mark well all that I have said. (TEGANA turns to walk off...) POLO: Tegana... TEGANA: (Turning back to POLO.) My friend, mark it well. (TEGANA walks up the stairs to his room, without looking back. POLO thoughtfully considers what TEGANA has said. He solemnly turns to PING-CHO.) POLO: Ping-Cho, you will remove your belongings to another room. From this night on, you will not share with Susan again. PING-CHO: But Messr Marco... POLO: Obey me! (At the head of the staircase, TEGANA is listening. He smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. MARCO POLO'S JOURNAL POLO: (Writing in journal.) Poor Susan and Ping-Cho. Yet what alternative had I but to separate them? Now my caravan seethes with suspicion and discontent as we journey south-west. The route takes us to the ancient cities of Su-Chow and Kan-Chow, where the Great Wall of Cathay begins. Following the wall, we travel south to Lan-Chow, which lies on the banks of the Yellow River. Here, our route swings north, and with the river always in sight, we journey towards Shang-Tu. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. WAY STATION AT LAN-CHOW (At the next way station, the DOCTOR, IAN and BARBARA are discussing the state of the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: The trouble is, Polo's change of attitude has slowed down my progress on the circuit. IAN: I think you've done brilliantly to make any progress at all, Doctor. BARBARA: How much longer do you think you will need? DOCTOR: Well, with a bit more time, and a lot of luck, I should say about another night. BARBARA: But that's marvellous Doctor! DOCTOR: The following evening will even be better! BARBARA: And that's when we say good-bye to Marco Polo. DOCTOR: Yes, and a jolly good riddance. BARBARA: Well, I shall be jolly glad to leave here. In fact, the only regrets I'll have will be for Susan. DOCTOR: What do you mean? BARBARA: Oh, I think she and Ping-Cho are very fond of each other. It's a pity they've been kept apart so much. DOCTOR: It's a pity there was any association at all. That Chinese child makes me nervous. IAN: What on Earth do you mean? DOCTOR: She found out about the key. IAN: What! DOCTOR: Yes, on the night that Barbara was captured, Susan and Ping-Cho thought Barbara had gone down to the cave, and met with an accident, so they came looking for me. Just as I was about to enter the TARDIS, it was then Ping-Cho saw the key. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. PING-CHO'S ROOM (SUSAN, cautiously and looking about for anybody else, walks up the stairs of the inn, and enters PING-CHO's room. A sad PING-CHO is sitting on the bed, staring into space...) SUSAN: Ping-Cho, what's the matter? PING-CHO: For me, this journey, in spite of all the dangers, was the happiest time of my life, until Tun-Huang. SUSAN: What did Tegana say to make Messr Marco change so much? Did you ask Messr Marco? PING-CHO: A hundred times - but he remains silent. SUSAN: If only we could find out... only we could prove that Tegana had seen the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes before. PING-CHO: It won't make much difference soon... SUSAN: Why not? PING-CHO: You will be leaving. SUSAN: Leaving? PING-CHO: Your grandfather must have nearly finished the work on your caravan by now. SUSAN: (Sadly.) Ping-Cho, he has. PING-CHO: Will you go home? (SUSAN remains silent...) PING-CHO: Will you say good-bye to me before you leave? SUSAN: Of course I will! PING-CHO: Even if it is very late? SUSAN: No matter what time of night it is. (SUSAN and PING-CHO hug each other.) PING-CHO: Hey - this will cheer you up! SUSAN: What? PING-CHO: I've forgotten hearing anything about the key. (Outside the room, TEGANA has been listening intently to the conversation.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. MARCO POLO'S JOURNAL POLO: (Writing in journal.) For the past three days, I have followed the course of the Yellow River as it flows north to the small town of Sinju, which lies nestled against the Great Wall. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. EXTERIOR - SINJU WAY STATION (The caravan has stopped at the Sinju way station. This way station, although not as busy as Tun-Huang, is just as extravagant. POLO and TEGANA stand outside the inn.) POLO: Have you seen my... er... clothing bag, Tegana? TEGANA: Ah yes, it's in the passageway outside your door. POLO: Thank you. TEGANA: Oh... I want to go into town. POLO: Very well. TEGANA: Thank you. (TEGANA walks off towards the town, as Polo re-enters the way station.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. INTERIOR - SINJU WAY STATION (PING-CHO is walking through the inn, when she suddenly remembers something.) PING-CHO: (To herself.) The passageway - why have I not thought of it before? (PING-CHO quickly finds SUSAN.) PING-CHO: Susan, Susan! I've got proof. I can prove it! SUSAN: What? PING-CHO: That Tegana lied. POLO: (Overhearing PING-CHO.) You can prove what? PING-CHO: Messr Marco, do you remember Tegana's reply when Miss Wright said she had followed him to the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes? POLO: Yes, he said he'd never been there before. PING-CHO: He lied Messr Marco. POLO: You bring a very serious charge, Ping-Cho - I hope you have proof. PING-CHO: When he came into the cave, Susan's grandfather showed him Miss Wright's handkerchief, saying we had found it over there. And the old lord pointed to a dark corner of the cave. And do you remember what he said? He asked if we had found it in the passageway. POLO: Well? PING-CHO: If he had never been to the cave before, how could he know that a dark corner was a passageway? SUSAN: Yes! POLO: This is your proof? You call this evidence? PING-CHO: Yes Messr Marco. POLO: And on these grounds you dare to call the Warlord Tegana a liar? You foolish child, how dare you make such a reckless accusation. Believe me, it will take much more than this to shake my confidence in Tegana. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. SINJU INN (At another inn in the town, TEGANA has met up with ACOMAT. ACOMAT is furious with TEGANA...) ACOMAT: It was your fault! (TEGANA stares angrily at ACOMAT, but remains silent. He takes a sip of his wine.) ACOMAT: You should have killed them all when you... (TEGANA angrily throws the goblet of wine to the floor.) TEGANA: You listen to me, Acomat, and you listen well. The day after tomorrow, the caravan sets out to cross the bamboo forest. On the second night, I shall silence the guard, and then when all is well, I shall signal you with a burning torch, and then you will move in and slaughter them all. But with stealth, mind you... ACOMAT: And the magician's caravan? TEGANA: You will send... that on to Noghai, whilst I will continue on to Shang-Tu with terrible stories of bandit attacks. ACOMAT: Polo? TEGANA: Well, I should let Polo die like... umm... an old woman in her bed. ACOMAT: The... ah... the old magician - how can you kill him? TEGANA: With a stake through the heart. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. COURTYARD - SINJU WAY STATION (The DOCTOR and BARBARA sneak into the way station's courtyard. The TARDIS sits a short distance away. They approach it...) DOCTOR: There isn't very much more to do - I won't be long. But keep your eyes open... BARBARA: Yes. (BARBARA keeps watch as the DOCTOR enters the TARDIS. At that moment, TEGANA returns to the inn. He immediately notices the DOCTOR closing the TARDIS door behind him. BARBARA turns quickly, just as TEGANA rushes off into the way station. BARBARA rushes off in search of IAN.) BARBARA: Ian? [SCENE_BREAK] 13. INTERIOR - THE TARDIS (Unaware of what is happening outside, the DOCTOR completes the repairs to the TARDIS main circuit. He hums cheerfully to himself.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. COURTYARD - SINJU WAY STATION (IAN joins BARBARA in the courtyard.) BARBARA: I think... Tegana must have seen him going into it! IAN: Where's Tegana now? BARBARA: I don't know. IAN: Stay here. (IAN performs a quick search of the courtyard to see if TEGANA is hiding nearby.) IAN: Not a sign of him. Where's Marco? BARBARA: He must be in his room. IAN: Good. Now listen. Go and get the Doctor out of the ship, then hide. I'm going to try a bluff. If it works, we may be able to turn the tables on Tegana. Now, go quickly. (As IAN rushes off to find POLO. BARBARA approaches the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. INTERIOR - THE TARDIS (The DOCTOR continues his repairs, humming to himself.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. INTERIOR - SINJU WAY STATION (IAN has found POLO first.) IAN: Ah, Marco, I was just coming to have a word with you. POLO: What about? IAN: Well, I should have thought that was pretty obvious. POLO: Be more explicit Ian. IAN: Oh come on Marco, we're friends aren't we? POLO: We were. IAN: Well, why this sudden change? And tell me, why separate Susan and Ping-Cho? POLO: Susan is a bad influence. IAN: Oh, you can't really mean that. POLO: Ping-Cho's first loyalty is to me, yet she backs you against Tegana. IAN: Perhaps that's because we were telling the truth. It is possible, you know. POLO: Let me tell you something Ian. Tegana is a special emissary of Noghai on his way to talk peace with Kublai Khan. He's a very important man. You are mysterious travellers from some far-off land I know nothing about. Now, if you were in my position, a servant of Kublai Khan, whose word would you take? IAN: Well, I should keep an open mind. POLO: Yes... (At that moment, TEGANA arrives on the scene.) TEGANA: Marco, I... (He spots IAN.) I have... err... something... err... rather interesting... err... to show you. POLO: What is it? TEGANA: The old magician is in his... err... caravan. POLO: (Furiously.) He is what! Is this true Ian? IAN: Well... err... why don't we go outside and have a look? [SCENE_BREAK] 17. COURTYARD - SINJU WAY STATION (POLO, IAN and TEGANA enter the courtyard and approach the TARDIS.) POLO: Are you sure about this? TEGANA: He's got another key - I saw him go inside. IAN: So all we can do now is wait for him to come out. POLO: This you are prepared to do? IAN: If it will convince you that Tegana is making trouble, we can wait here all night. POLO: Tegana, are you absolutely positive? TEGANA: When the War Lord Tegana says it is so, Marco, it is so. He is in there. (Suddenly, the DOCTOR emerges from the TARDIS.) IAN: Doctor, shut the door quickly! (The DOCTOR hurriedly turns around, and locks the TARDIS door.) POLO: I'm sorry I doubted your word Tegana. (He marches up to the DOCTOR, hand outstretched.) POLO: Give me the key, Doctor. DOCTOR: No. POLO: You're an old man, and I do not wish to use force. DOCTOR: That is what you'll precisely have to do Polo. (TEGANA forces the TARDIS key from the Doctor's hand.) TEGANA: (Holding up the key.) Bear witness, did I not say he had another key? DOCTOR: Put that key in the lock, Polo, and you will destroy the ship. Then where will your precious Khan be, hmmm? You need more than a key to enter my ship. You need knowledge. Knowledge you will never possess. POLO: Tell me. DOCTOR: No - understand? No! I'd let you wreck it first! POLO: (Screaming.) Guards! Guards! (A number of warriors burst in and surround the DOCTOR and IAN.) DOCTOR: Let go of me! (POLO turns to IAN.) POLO: Bear witness. I wear the gold seal of Kublai Khan, and by the authority it invests in me, I do hereby seize and hold your caravan in his name. Be warned. Any resistance to this decree is instantly punishable by death. DOCTOR: You poor, pathetic, stupid savage. POLO: Take them away! (The Doctor and Ian are dragged off by the guards, the DOCTOR's laughing at POLO.) TEGANA: Marco, are you now convinced which of us makes trouble? [SCENE_BREAK] 18. MARCO POLO'S JOURNAL POLO: (Writing in journal.) What a nightmare this journey has become. Our progress is impeded because Tegana, the bearers and I must constantly be on the alert for any signs of trouble from the prisoners, and Ping-Cho's resentment of me only serves to make my task more difficult. But I have succeeded in keeping her away from them by setting up a separate tent for the Doctor and his companions. [SCENE_BREAK] 19. INTERIOR - THE TIME TRAVELLERS' TENT (It is night in the bamboo forest. The Doctor and his companions remain closely guarded in their tent.) IAN: We can't go on like this! We must get out. (IAN angrily throws a china plate on to the ground.) BARBARA: Well, that's easier said than done. IAN: I know Barbara. I know the odds are against us, but at least we've got to try. DOCTOR: Yes, I quite agree with you. The ship's waiting outside, with the circuit finished and installed. BARBARA: And Polo has both keys. DOCTOR: Oh, that wretched child! SUSAN: Grandfather, Ping-Cho wouldn't say anything about the second key. I know she wouldn't. DOCTOR: Oh, my dear Susan, if you... IAN: Oh, don't you worry about that now! We must concentrate on getting one of those keys back. DOCTOR: Yes, and the only way I can see it, is that we should have to capture Polo. IAN: Why not? Take him hostage! BARBARA: But we're hopelessly outnumbered! IAN: Only by day. At night, we've got the edge on them. They've only got one guard, remember. SUSAN: Yes, but how are you going to disarm him? IAN: I don't know - somehow. I'll do it. DOCTOR: Now just a minute. First things first, young man. How are we going to get out of here, and remember that guard is out there watching for us. Hmmm? (IAN picks up the broken plate from the floor, and examines the jagged edge.) IAN: With this - I'll cut my way out. DOCTOR: That's a very good idea - good! IAN: As soon as I've dealt with that guard, I'll come back for you. DOCTOR: Right. (IAN commences to cut through the tent using the broken plate as a knife.) SUSAN: Grandfather, supposing Messr Marco won't give him the keys? DOCTOR: Don't worry my child. I think by the time I've finished with that gentleman, he'll only be too glad to let us go. (The DOCTOR chuckles.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. EXTERIOR - THE TIME TRAVELLERS' TENT (After cutting through the tent, IAN cautiously sneaks up behind the guard. However, the guard offers no resistance - he is lying motionless on the ground. IAN kneels next to the guard, and turns him over. He is dead, having been stabbed through the chest...)

Missing episode Arriving in Central Asia in 1289, the Doctor and his companions join the caravan of the famous Venetian explorer Marco Polo as it makes its way from the snowy heights of the Pamir Plateau, across the treacherous Gobi Desert and through the heart of imperial Cathay. Having witnessed many incredible sights and survived a variety of dangers, they arrive at the mighty Kublai Khan's Summer Palace in Shang-tu, where the Doctor strikes up an extraordinary friendship with the now-aged ruler. They move on at last to the even more sumptuous Imperial Palace in Peking, where the travellers save the Khan from an assassination attempt by the Mongol warlord Tegana - supposedly on a peace mission - before departing once more in the TARDIS.

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[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters, happily.] Rachel: Good, you guys are all here! Ross: Hey! What's up? Rachel: Well, I have a job interview at Ralph Lauren tomorrow! All: Congratulations! Ohh, that's great! Rachel: I know! Joey: Boy, that guy's underwear sucks! Rachel: Wh-what?! Joey: I got this pair marked excess, I gotta tell ya, there was no room for excess anything in there. Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me! Phoebe: Wow! Well, if you nail the interview, you'll get it! Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: You wanna work on your interview skills? Rachel: O-okay! Phoebe: Okay! All right, let's start with the handshake. Hi. Rachel: Hi. (They shake hands.) Phoebe: Very good handshake, good wrist action. Monica: Let me try. (Gets up to join them.) Phoebe: Okay. (They shake hands and she pulls away suddenly) Oh my God! What did I ever do to you?! (Rubbing her hand.) Monica: Did I squeeze it too hard? Phoebe: Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler. (Chandler tries to comprehend that remark.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the window waving at Ross.] Joey: That's right Ross, I can see you in your new apartment! And you can see me! Same as yesterday, (To Monica) same as the day before. Monica: Is he doing his shark attack bit yet? Joey: Nope. Op, wait! There he goes. (We see Ross through the window and he acts like a swimmer that gets attacked by a shark, picture one of the many, many, many Jaws movies they made and you get the idea.) Joey: (waving) Very funny Ross! Very life-like and funny. Okay. (Notices that a woman is waving back.) Oh no-no-no, I wasn't waving at you lady. (She just stares at him.) (Joey sees how beautiful she is.) Whoa, maybe I was! Hey, Monica, this totally hot girl in Ross's building is flirting with me. Monica: Get in there man! Flirt back, mix it up! Joey: Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. (He turns back to the woman.) Okay, here goes. (Thinks.) How (Holds up his hand like an Indian) you (Points at her) a-doin'? (Does a little twisting motion with both hands and ends up pointing at her, he then winks. She smiles and waves again.) (To Monica) It worked! She's waving me over. (Towards the woman.) Okay, I-I-I'll be right over. Let's see, she's on the third floor... Monica: (joining him) Wow! She is pretty, huh? Joey: Tell me about it, huh? (Realizes that she can see Monica.) Oh no-no-no, I'm not with her, she's just Monica! (He pantomimes that out.) Ewwuck! (He pushes Monica away and makes a disgusted face.) [Scene: Ross's Building, Joey is trying to find the hot girl's apartment. So he's walking up the hallway counting doors. He comes to what he thinks is the right one and knocks on it. Ross opens the door, it's his apartment.] Ross: Hey Joey! Great stuff huh? Joey: This is your place? Ross: Of course it is. Yeah, come on in. Ooh-ooh, go by the window you can pretend to be surfing. (He pretends he's surfing by the window.) Joey: But I counted, you're not supposed to live here! Oh man! (Runs away.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering again.] Joey: Ugh!! Monica: What happened? Joey: I ended up at Ross's place. Oh, I musta missed counted or something. (Looks out the window.) Damn! She's not there anymore. Oh, l-l-look, Ross is doing his 'Watching TV' bit. (We see Ross sitting on the couch and flipping through the channels on his remote.) Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watchin' TV. (It's only when the camera cuts to Ross's apartment that we see that the TV is turned off and Ross is indeed doing a bit. He then tries to hide his smirk.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day, Gary is kissing Phoebe good-bye.] Gary's Radio: We've lost visual contact with the suspect. Gary: Okay, now I've really have to go! Phoebe: But it's just so unfair that our date has to get cut short just 'cause some guy shot at a store clerk. Gary: I know, but it's my job, sweethart! Phoebe: Okay, then maybe I can come too! Gary's Radio: Suspect has just emerged naked from the sewer. Phoebe: All right, you go. (They kiss.) Gary: Bye-bye. Phoebe: 'Kay, bye! (Gary closes the door behind him.) Phoebe: Oh God! Monica: What? Phoebe: Oh I just miss him so much! Monica: Wow! For just a week you guys are really close, huh? Phoebe: Yeah, it's weird. I can't help it though he's so sweet, he's like this little puppy dog, y'know? But like a really tough one that shots bad guys. Ohh, I just love beginning parts of relationships, y'know?! You just like can't keep your hands off each other. Monica: I know it is the best. Phoebe: So-so how long did that last for you and Chandler? Monica: What? It's still going on. Phoebe: Come on, seriously! When did it end? Monica: I-I am serious, I mean, we're, we're all over each other all the time. Phoebe: Okay, you know where you are better than I do. I was just curious. Monica: (Start annoying hyper-competitive mode now.) (Jumping up) What don't you just calm down Phoebe! All right?! Why don't you just get all your facts before you run around telling everybody that you're the only hot couple!! Phoebe: (Under her breath) God, I woke the beast. Sorry. (To Monica) I was wrong obviously, I just-I misspoke. It's okay. Monica: Oh no, it is okay, I mean as long as you know that Chandler and I are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew, is on fire! Chandler: (entering) Hey Monica, here's your broom back. Monica: You are so cute. (She goes over and kisses him passionately.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler and Joey are there as Rachel returns from her interview.] Chandler: Oh hey, how'd the interview go? Rachel: Ugh, horrible! I did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing! Joey: Did you tell the guy you wanted to have s*x with his wife and then fall right out of your chair? Rachel: No! Chandler: So what happened? Rachel: Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the interview part went so well, y'know? I even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, "Well, yeah! If you've got enough life jackets!" (She starts laughing; Chandler and Joey are not amused.) Trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-bye and ugh! Joey: What happened? Rachel: (We see a flashback as Rachel describes what happened.) All right, we were shaking hands and he kinda leaned toward me... Y'know maybe he was going to open the door, but I totally miss read him and I uhhh... (The flashback shows that she kissed him on the cheek.) Joey: You kissed him?! Rachel: Well, I didn't know what else to do! Chandler: Well you coulda tried, not kissing him. Rachel: Thanks Chandler. Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called, you got a second interview! Rachel: I can't believe it! I got a second interview! Monica: Yes! Joey: I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big mistake now, is it? Rachel: What-what, wait a minute, you don't think that's why he wants me back? Joey: Yeah! (Chandler makes a noise) No? Monica: A kiss? What are you talking about? Rachel: I accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back y'know of course, 'cause "Let's bring the girl back who kisses everybody!" Chandler: Come on, Rach. Rachel: Oh my God! What if he thinks I'm the kind of girl that-that would just sleep with him? Monica: He probably wants you back because you're right for the job. Rachel: Maybe. I-I don't know-Oh God, how could I be so stupid?! Joey: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey. Come on. Come on. (She hugs him and Joey looks out the window.) She's back! Hot girl's back! Rachel: Ohh, well I'm not totally back yet, but thank you. Joey: No, in Ross's building! (He throws Rachel onto the chair and heads to the window.) She's back! She's back! (Pantomimes) Okay, wait there, I'll be over in a second. (He counts where she is again.) Got it! (Runs out and does a little hot over a chair.) Chandler: I gotta check out this hot girl! (He heads to the window but realizes something, stops, turns and points at Monica.) There she is! (He dances over to her and kisses her.) [Scene: Ross's building, Joey is knocking on a door again. It's again answered by Ross.] Joey: Damnit!! Did you move?! Ross: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. (Joey just stares at him) I'm Ross. (Joey makes a frustrated face and noise and walks away. He knocks on the next door and it's answered by an old man.) The Old Man: Yes? Joey: (Looking around) Uhh do you happen to have a hot girl in there? The Old Man: No. I'm all alone. Joey: Yeah. Sorry about that. (He walks away and knocks on the next door which is answered by a little girl.) Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or babysitter by any chance a hot girl? The Little Girl: Daddy!! Joey: Later! (He runs away down the hall and hides behind a corner to a whole other corridor.) Oh man! (Walks down the hallway in desperation.) Hot girl! Hot girl!! [Scene: Rachel's job interview, she is waiting outside Mr. Zelner's (the interviewer) office banging her pen between her teeth.] Mr. Zelner: Hi Rachel! Rachel: Hi! Mr. Zelner: Come on in. (They go inside.) Mr. Zelner: It's really nice to see you again. Rachel: Thank you. Mr. Zelner: (Sees that she has some ink on her lip from her pen.) Oh Rachel, uhh... (He points to his lip to get her to notice the ink on hers.) Rachel: What? Mr. Zelner: Just ah... (He points again.) Rachel: Excuse me? Mr. Zelner: Here let me... (He goes to wipe it off himself.) Rachel: (stopping him) Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I (He tries to interrupt and tell her about the ink), hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does not give you the right to demand s*x from me. I do not want, this job that bad. Good day, sir. (She storms out of his office.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning from her interview attempt.] Rachel: (entering) Ugh, you will not believe what that sleaze-ball from Ralph Lauren did too me! (Joey, Monica, and Ross all point to their lips to get Rachel to once again notice the ink on her lip.) Rachel: Okay-okay that-that's amazing. How did you know that? Ross: You got ink on your lip. Rachel: Oh. (Realizes.) Ohhhhhhhhh.... [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Gary and Chandler and Monica are all there.] Chandler: (To Gary) So what do you say, maybe sometime I hold your gun? Gary: I don't know man, we're really not supposed to do that. Chandler: Oh, what can happen? I mean, would you... (He gestures and spills some of his coffee.) Gary: Yeah, I'm gonna say no. Monica: Phoebe, do you want to go see a movie after dinner tonight? Phoebe: Oh we can't, we already have plans. Monica: What are you doing? Phoebe: Well, same thing we did all day, hang out at Gary's apartment. He is so amazing, we never left the bedroom. But have fun at the movie. Monica: (That annoying competitiveness thing kicks in again, what the heck is that with her and why must the writers show it every flippin' episode?!) Oh, we're not seeing a movie! Phoebe: You're not? Then why did you ask us if we wanted to go? Monica: Oh umm, that's because I just wanted to y'know walk in on me and Chandler while we were, y'know, doing it all night. Will you excuse me for just a second? Phoebe: Yeah! Monica: Okay. (She gets up and walks over to Chandler.) Chandler? Can I see you for a second? Chandler: Uh, yeah. Monica: Okay. (They walk away to get some privacy.) We have got to beat them! {Here we go yet again.} Chandler: Why? Monica: 'Cause, Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are! Chandler: Ohh, so? Monica: So! So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of s*x to prove them wrong! Chandler: Monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's crazy. {Finally! The voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have s*x over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The lobby in Ross's building, we see a flyer that is on the bulletin board that reads, "Are you the Hot Girl who waved at me? If so, give me a call!" and it's signed, Joey 629-9*** (The last couple of numbers have been ripped off). Anyhoo, Ross is getting his mail.] Ross: (to the woman checking her mail next to him) Hey! (A man walks up.) The Man: (To Ross) Excuse me. (He puts up a flyer that has a sketch drawing of Joey and it reads, "Warning! Intruder! If you see this creep - call the cops!") You should check this out, tell the other tenants. Apparently he's running around looking for some kind of a hot girl. Ross: (to the woman checking her mail) Who isn't? (For the first time we see that the woman Ross is talking too is in fact the hot girl that Joey is looking for. She just kinda stares at him.) Ross: I don't, I don't think we've meet. I-I'm Ross. The Hot Girl: I know. You're the guy who wouldn't chip in for the handyman. Ross: Nevermind! (Goes back to his mailbox.) The Hot Girl: No, I-I actually thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. I mean you had just moved in. Ross: I had just moved in. Thank you! Listen umm... The Hot Girl: Jen. Ross: Jen, I know this may sound a little...(makes some kind of crazy noise) But uh, would you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime, or... Jen: Sure! That would be nice. Ross: Umm? Jen: Oh! My number is on there. (Hands him a business card.) Give me a call. Ross: I will give you a call. Jen: I'll see you later. (Starts to walk away.) Ross: Okay! (After she's left, Ross gets really happy and starts kissing the card. Suddenly, she returns.) Jen: I forgot my paper. (Ross quickly hides the card in his mouth.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, a post-coital Monica and Chandler are recovering on the couch.] Chandler: That was amazing! Monica: Phoebe and Gary are so gonna hear about this at dinner. Chandler: That was amazing. Monica: We are the hottest! Huh? No one is hotter than we are! You're the best. Chandler: No, you're the best. Monica: No, you're the best. Chandler: No, you're the best. Monica: I am the best. (Just as they start to get up, Joey walks in.) Joey: (entering) Hey guys! (Sees their state of undress) What 'cha been doin'? (Has a silly grin.) Monica: (looking out the window) Hey Joey! Isn't that the girl that waved at you the other day? Joey: I don't know. But I can see through your sheet. (He looks out the window.) Yeah, yeah, that's her. But y'know what? Doesn't matter, I'm never gonna get to meet her anyway. Monica: Why? Joey: Because it's impossible to find her apartment! She lives in some like of hot girl parallel universe, or something. Monica: What are you talking about? (Pointing out the window.) She obviously lives on the second floor, seventh apartment from the left! Joey: No. No. No. She lives on the third floor, eighth apartment from the left. Monica: No, those first two windows, (Points) that's the lobby. And y'know the other one over there, that's the stairway. You've been counting wrong. Joey: I did not know that! Thank you Monica. (Starts to leave) I can't believe I almost lost another girl because of counting. [Scene: Jen's apartment, Ross is picking her up for their date.] Ross: So uhh, you ready? Jen: Sure, I'll just get my coat. (There's a knock on the door.) Could you get that? Ross: Sure. (He opens the door to Joey. Needless to say, Joey's stunned.) Joey... Joey: Dahhhhh!! (Ross has a puzzled look on his face.) No! Noooo!! (Storms off.) [Scene: Mr. Zelner's office, Rachel has come back again to try and do that second interview.] Rachel: Ah, first, I-I would like to say thank you for agreeing to see me again. Mr. Zelner: That's quite all right, but I feel obligated to tell you that this meeting is being videotaped. Rachel: (looks around for the camera) Okay. Umm, well, first I would like to start by apologizing for kissing you and uh, for yelling at you. Mr. Zelner: Fair enough. Rachel: Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, (She puts her hands on his desk blotter and he moves it. Rachel then doesn't know where to put her hands.) who did, who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and I think that's a big mistake and here's why. I made a huge fool of myself and I came back, that shows courage. When I thought you wanted s*x in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity. And, I was not afraid to stand up for myself and that shows courage. (Suddenly realizes that she said courage twice.) Okay umm, now I know I already said courage, but y'know you gotta have courage. And umm, and finally when I thought you were making sexual advances in the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious. {By the way, litigious means to want to litigate and litigate is to make a lawsuit against. So she didn't want to sue him. Don't worry, I had to look it up too.} So there you go, you got, you got (counts them off with her fingers) courage, you got integrity, you got (Pause) courage again, and not litigious. Look Mr... Mr. Zelner: Zelner. Rachel: Zelner! Right! I knew that! I really, really want this job and I think, I think I would be really good at it. Mr. Zelner: Y'know what? I may regret this but uh, I'm going to give you a shot. Rachel: (gasps) Oh! You are? Mr. Zelner: Um-hmm. Rachel: Really? Oh thank you! Oh... Oh, would it be completely inappropriate to give you a hug? Mr. Zelner: Yes! Rachel: Okay, well then how about a handshake? (She goes to shake his hand but misses and touches his groin.) Oh God I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry! I did not mean to touch that-I mean you there. There. Uhh, okay, so thank-thank you, I'm going to leave now thank you very much uh-huh, thank you so-Hey! I'll see you Monday! (Exits.) [Scene: A restaurant, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Gary are on a double date. Chandler is yawning.] Phoebe: You tired Chandler? Monica: You better believe he's tired, after the day we had! If you know what I mean. You know what I mean? Chandler: Honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean. Gary: So uh Chandler, you like that badge I got you? Chandler: Oh yeah, it's so cool. (He opens his coat and has it pinned to the lining.) Now I gotta go, Officer Bing has gotta, 10-100. (Pause, softly) That's pee-pee. (Heads for the bathroom.) Monica: Phoebe, you have a, a twig in your hair. Phoebe: Ohh, (laughs) umm, we kinda took a little detour on the way over here. Gary: Yeah, we took a little stroll in the park and no one was around, so... Monica: You didn't! Phoebe: We did! We violated Section 12 Paragraph 7 of the criminal code! Monica: The park huh? A public place. Gary: Uh-huh. Monica: I hear ya. Excuse me for just a second! (Gets up and heads for the bathroom as that annoying Gotta-win-at-all-costs-super-competitive thing kicks in again.) [Cut to the Men's room. Chandler is practicing flashing his badge as Monica enters.] Monica: Hi Chandler. Chandler: Monica! This is the Men's room! (Pause) Isn't it? Monica: Yes it is. You see I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you? Chandler: No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out. Monica, this is getting ridiculous! Monica: Come on, we can't let them win! Chandler: Ugh, we have already proved that we are hot! Okay? So why-why are you getting so obsessed about this thing?! Monica: Because Phoebe and Gary are in that-can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-doing-it-in-the-park phase! Chandler: (gasps) So? Monica: I feel really sad that we're not...really there anymore. Chandler: Oh wow! Is that what this all have been about? Monica: Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we were y'know all over each other all the time? Chandler: Yeah that was great. That was really great! But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited about where we are right now. Monica: Really? Chandler: Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long before. Y'know to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I think that's pretty exciting. (Kisses her.) Monica: That is so sweet. I know that I was acting a little crazy but umm, I feel the same way. Chandler: Yeah? Monica: Yeah. (They hug.) Chandler: Y'know what I just realized? You just freaked out about our relationship. Monica: Did not. Chandler: Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked out! Monica: Okay, I freaked out a little. Chandler: Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up! (Does a dance of joy.) (Monica glares at him.) And now we're back. Ending Credits [Scene: Looking through Ross's window, he's doing more pantomimes. The first one is he's walking a dog that has stopped, then suddenly tugs him forward.] [Cut to the inside of Monica and Rachel's apartment, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.] Rachel: (laughs) I cannot believe Ross is buying this! Monica: Thank God! I can't watch him anymore! Chandler: (entering) You guys ready fore the movies? Rachel: Yeah! Oh by the way, thank you for loaning us Pamela and Yasmine. (We see through the big window from the outside and see that Monica and Rachel have pictures of their faces pasted onto cardboard cutouts of Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth wearing their Baywatch swimsuits.) Ross: (from his apartment) Man! They cannot get enough! (Makes like he's a robot and waves at the cutouts.)

Rachel interviews with Ralph Lauren and accidentally kisses her interviewer and prospective boss - Mr. Zelner. Monica wants to prove that she and Chandler are a hotter couple than Phoebe and her new boyfriend, Gary. Joey flirts with a girl who lives across the street in Ross' building. When he goes to meet her, he cannot find her apartment and continually ends up at Ross' door, having miscalculated the floor number.

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[Lucas' House] (Picks up with Peyton, Lucas, and Brooke looking at each other. Peyton dissolves out and we see Lucas waking up in bed.) KEITH: Well you look like hell LUCAS: I didn't get much sleep KEITH: Why's that? What's up? LUCAS: You ever have a tough decision to make, and you wonder if you made the right choice? KEITH: Well what kind of choice are you talking about? LUCAS: Well... (Knock on door; Brooke enters with coffee) BROOKE: Morning Boyfriend...again. LUCAS: Thank You (they kiss) KEITH: I think you're good LUCAS: (laughs) Keith Brooke. Brooke, my uncle Keith BROOKE: Hi (hands Keith the coffee) KEITH: Hi LUCAS: we gotta get out of here, alright. KEITH: yeah alright, oh don't forget your moms calling from Italy 6 pm sharp. LUCAS: oh right, alright I'll be here, promise. KEITH: Ok (Brooke and Lucas walk out) [Haley's bedroom) (Haley and Nathan are asleep in each others arms) HALEY: So if my parents come home, I'm gonna act like I have amnesia, so don't freak out if I pretend not to know you. NATHAN: Look, I think I should get back to the madness. (Haley moans disapprovingly) But hey, if I could, I'd stay like this all day. HALEY: (kisses Nathan) Ok. (Nathan sits up) Nathan, about last night... NATHAN: Hey, look its not about s*x with me ok? When you're ready, I'll be too. HALEY: Come here (Haley sits up and kisses him then lays back down) [Karen's Caf ) (Dan enters with roses) DAN: Special Delivery for Mrs. Dan Scott DEB: (signs) what are you doing here? DAN: I wanted to apologize for last night. We were both spent. We both said things we regret. At least I know I did. DEB: Dan... DAN: These are for you. And, I made a reservation at Chatley Resort. Remember the view? DEB: Dan...if you're in the mood to mend fences, start by devoting a weekend to your son. One without your inflated expectations of him. If you hadn't noticed the only quality time you've spent with him lately was in an emergency room. You figure out how to make sure that never happens again then maybe you and I can talk. [School-outside] (Haley and Lucas walking) LUCAS: It's not that hard, alright? Peyton and I just don't make sense as a couple. She said so herself. HALEY: And then took it back LUCAS: Now what are you? Her lawyer? HALEY: I'm just...look I've seen Peyton really try to make an effort to turn things around and it just sucks that she got bit the first time she reached out to somebody, you know? LUCAS: Haley, I'm not the bad guy here, ok? Peyton's just too...hard. HALEY: Unlike Brooke who I understand is nice and easy. LUCAS: Excuse me. She makes me laugh. She's honest, she's not afraid to be herself. Ok? Plus she's not covered head to toe in issues. What's so bad about that? (They sit on a bench) HALEY: Nothing! Nothing. If you're happy, I'm happy. LUCAS: Are you? Happy. HALEY: Yeah LUCAS: I hope you're right. [another part of school) (Peyton is kneeling on the ground drawing something, Brooke walks up to her.) BROOKE: Hey, I've been two-waying you all day, where have you been? PEYTON: Nowhere really. BROOKE: I wanted to talk to you about Lucas. You left so quick the other night. What was that all about? PEYTON: Did he tell you what happened? BROOKE: We didn't really do much talking after you left if you know what I mean. PEYTON: I was just returning a CD I borrowed. (Brooke looks like she doesn't know what else to say) [another part of school.) (Jake is sitting against a tree. Lucas walks up to him) LUCAS: Late night? JAKE: Yeah LUCAS: (laughs) Who's the girl? JAKE: You don't know her LUCAS: Come on man. (helps him up) We're gonna be late for practice. [outside gym) (A sign on the door says: "Basketball Cancelled (until further notice)" Nathan pulls the sign off the door and reads it. Whitey walks out to them) WHITEY: (to Nathan) Nice to see you vertical. How you feeling? NATHAN: Same as always. What's this all about? WHITEY: Seems to me, we've lost track of what this game's supposed to be about. (looks at Lucas) Myself included. I want you to take this time, and think about why we're really out there. Till then, no practice. (Whitey puts the sign back on the door and goes inside) TIM: This sucks JAKE: Speak for yourself. Whitey just did me a favor. (all the guys walk away) NATHAN: Yeah, me too. (he walks away, leaving Lucas alone) [School parking lot) (Peyton getting into her car. Lucas runs up behind her) LUCAS: Peyton PEYTON: What? LUCAS: Look, about last night, I feel really bad about what happened... PEYTON: Can we not relive it, please? I...I'd had this really weird, long day, and I just...I probably wasn't making any sense. LUCAS: No, you were. But I had no idea you were coming over last night. You know and Brooke and I were just... PEYTON: Make a really good couple. I'm happy for you. You're a good guy Luke. And she's my best friend. [Karen's Caf ) DEB: Business seems to have dropped off lately, and I'm beginning to take it personally. HALEY: Oh don't, no, it's the University, they're on a break. It will pick up soon. DEB: Oh HALEY: You know, Karen actually always thought we should do live entertainment to bring people in, like um...like an open mic night. DEB: Hmm, well that's a great idea HALEY: You think? DEB: Yeah absolutely, but let me run it by Lucas first, you know, make sure he's ok with the idea. HALEY: Yeah or, I could talk to him. I mean he hasn't popped in much lately. DEB: Yeah yeah I've noticed. No that's one of the reasons I want to talk to him myself. HALEY: Ok. Well if you have this ghost town under control, then I have a study session with Nathan. DEB: Haley, I'm glad you're seeing Nathan. He's lucky to have someone like you. HALEY: Thanks. Bye! [Peyton's room) (She's drawing on her bed when Brooke walks in behind her. Brooke picks up a Polaroid and takes a picture of Peyton) PEYTON: (looks back at Brooke) What are you doing? BROOKE: Documenting. A day without Cheer. Hour one. There's something wrong with this picture though. Oh I know what it is, I'm not in it! (grabs the camera) Come here. (Brooke takes a picture of both of them) Would you please draw your freaky drawings later? There is no basketball, we're young, we're gorgeous, we have all this free time so lets go do something fun. PEYTON: What about Lucas? I'm sure he'd be up for some fun. Probably some polaroids too. BROOKE: Lucas, the monkey in the room. PEYTON: Elephant BROOKE: (laughing) Whatever. Look I came to make sure there's no weirdness about that. You're my best friend and I would never cut you out for a guy. Ok? No matter who he is. Or how happy he makes me. PEYTON: Brooke, I'm cool with you and Lucas. BROOKE: You sure? PEYTON: Yeah, I just wanna draw for a little bit. How about a rain check? BROOKE: Count on it. (holds up her fist) Hoes over bros (Peyton hits her fist with hers) I am gonna borrow this though. (holding up the camera) Incase he's feeling frisky. Thanks! (Brooke leaves; Peyton looks at the picture of them) [Whitey's office) (Dan walks in) DAN: Tell me I heard this wrong WHITEY: (knocks on the table) It's called knocking. DAN: You did not just cancel practice. WHITEY: You ever play the ponies Danny? What do you think of a Whirly Bird in the third? You think that's a win place or show? DAN: Have you completely lost it? You have a perfect season. WHITEY: (laughs) You see that sign in the gym? It's got my name on it. Means I call the shots. The game's not fun anymore Danny. Somewhere along the way we've strayed off the path. DAN: You're supposed to be their coach, a leader. WHITEY: (stands up) That is something that we agree on. We've driven him too hard, Danny. DAN: What are you talking about? WHITEY: Dehydration. We both know it's more than that. DAN: So now you're a doctor. WHITEY: I've taken steps to ease the pressure. I think you'd be well advised to take a couple of days and do the same. (walks out of the room) Hit the lights on the way out would you? [Nathan's house) (A bag is sitting on the floor; Nathan walks in) DAN: Hey. How you feeling son? NATHAN: Okay. What's my bag doing here? DAN: Well I packed some things for you. NATHAN: Dad, I'm not gonna move to the beach house. DAN: You're not gonna have to, we'll work this out. NATHAN: Well then what's this? DAN: You and I are going away for the weekend. NATHAN: Are you kidding? DAN: I already cleared it with your mom. I've got your golf clubs in the back of the car, we've got a 9 am tee-time. NATHAN: Dad you can't just spring things on me like this, alright? I had plans this weekend. DAN: I know you do, with me. (Dan walks out. Nathan looks upset) [the park) (Lucas and the guys are playing basketball) MOUTH: (talking into his microphone) Oh, say it isn't so. Fergy and Skills take it 15-13. (They all sit down; Brooke drives up and hooks at them) JUNK: This guy's got his own personal cheering squad now? FERGIE: How you know she's not cheering for me? SKILLS: Trust me dawg, she's not cheering for you man. (Lucas walks over to her) LUCAS: Hey babe. SKILLS: Hey Luke. So that means we're gonna get to see a little bit more of you, i mean you know since you got some time on your hands, right? BROOKE: Not if I have anything to say about it boys. SKILLS: See that is whack, dawg. We win the game and he get the girl. (Brooke and Lucas kiss; The guys look away laughing) ["Tidal Creek" grocery store) (Deb sees Luke at the counter) DEB: Lucas? LUCAS: (looks nervous and puts things on the counter) Oh hey um... DEB: I'm not playing hookie from your moms caf , I just ran out of coffee filters. LUCAS: (nods) Ok. See you later. DEB: I'm glad we bumped into each other. Uh, Haley and I were talking and we thought it might be fun to start up some live entertainment at the caf . LUCAS: Great DEB: Are you sure? Because if you think it's a decision your mom should be making I understand. LUCAS: No it's...it's a great idea. It's good. Good. DEB: Good LUCAS: Yeah (Lucas turns around trying to stop the conversation) DEB: Lucas, are you alright? LUCAS: (trying to sound fine) Yeah (Brooke jumps in front of him without noticing Deb) BROOKE: Hey. (holds a box of condoms in front of him) don't you think it makes more sense to buy in bulk? Plus...(holds up whipped cream) for desert. (Lucas looks up at Deb; Brooke turns around and laughs nervously) Oh, Hi Mrs. Scott. DEB: Hi. Um...excuse me. [outside store) (Brooke and Lucas are walking to the car) BROOKE: Of all the things to stick in my mouth it had to be my foot. (Lucas sighs) Lucas come on hold up. LUCAS: Did you see the look on her face? BROOKE: Yeah, total Judge Judy. Which is completely ridiculous considering who her son is. LUCAS: She's friends with my mom. (He opens her door for her) BROOKE: Right...forgot about that one. Well, your mom's in Europe for the next month so what are the odds she remembers this? LUCAS: Whipped cream and condoms... (both laugh) [Nathan and Dan in the car driving) NATHAN: Are you and mom getting a divorce? DAN: Why? What'd she tell you? NATHAN: She kicked you out of the house right? That's usually the first step. DAN: Don't worry, things will be back to normal in no time. NATHAN: No, dad. Mom doesn't want things to be back to normal, she wants them to be better. DAN: Listen to me Nathan, you have a great life. A beautiful home and a basketball pedigree any kid would die for. NATHAN: yeah I know. (His phone rings) I almost did. (Answers the phone) Hey, what are you doing? HALEY: (sitting in the caf looking at flyers she's drawing for open mic night) Oh just marveling at my lack of artistic ability. How's the amazing race? NATHAN: Well, it's about as well as can be expected. HALEY: Well, I wish you were here. We're doing this open mic thing at the caf tomorrow. NATHAN: So I'm gone for 2 hours and you go all Hollywood on me. HALEY: Yeah that's me, Glamour girl. Hey you want to say hi to your mom? NATHAN: No, uh, it's bad timing. Look, let me give you a call back alright? Bye (Haley hangs up the phone; Scene stays at the Caf ) DEB: How's he doing? HALEY: Well there was no gun play or screaming so I'm assuming pretty well. He said to say "hi". DEB: Haley, these um, these flyers... HALEY: (laughing) Suck! Yeah, uh huh! I know! I know! I'm trying everything! (she looks out the window) Hang on! (runs out of the caf past Keith who's walking in) Hi Keith, bye Keith KEITH: Nice talking to you too. DEB: Hey, Oh I'm Glad you're here. KEITH: Yeah I heard you could use the business. DEB: Uh, yeah that too. KEITH: So let me guess, Dan did something. DEB: Of course, but actually this is about Lucas. I saw him at the grocery store today. He was with a girl. KEITH: Oh yeah that's Brooke, he's been spending a lot of time with her. I can't say I blame him. DEB: (pouring them both coffee) Uh, they were, buying condoms. KEITH: Right. DEB: I guess you could take comfort in the fact that he's being safe, but you know mistakes happen. I'm a walking poster child for it. KEITH: Oh boy. Karen's calling tonight, what am I going to tell her? You know besides the fact that I want what's best for Lucas, I just, I don't wanna let her down. DEB: Well then don't. She's 3000 miles away, She trust's you to handle this. KEITH: I could always lock him in the cellar. DEB: I was going to suggest talking to him. KEITH: Or that! [outside THUD magazine) (Peyton walks out and Haley stops her) HALEY: Oh, Hey PEYTON: Hey HALEY: I need your help. Don't worry it doesn't involve orphans or Nathan or any major commitment of any kind. PEYTON: What does it involve? HALEY: Your artistic ability. (Haley holds up her drawings; Peyton laughs and takes them) PEYTON: Cute HALEY: I know they're horrible. Can you fix it? PEYTON: Yeah! I can burn them! HALEY: (laughs) Can you come up with a design that doesn't suck? PEYTON: When do you need them by? HALEY: Tomorrow afternoon. PEYTON: Ok HALEY: Oh, thank you! You're the best. (starts to walk away) I take back everything I said about you before we met. [Hotel with Dan and Nathan) MAN: Welcome back, Mr. Scott. (shakes his hand) DAN: Thank you MAN: Your room is all ready. And your wife? DAN: Uh, actually there's been a change of plans. This is gonna be a guys weekend! This is my son Nathan. MAN: Oh well the suite that you requested has a King size. Shall I check for a double room? DAN: I'd hate to give up the view. Um, I'll tell you what. Why don't you bring up a cot. MAN: Very good. [SCENE_BREAK] (Nathan turns around looking upset) NATHAN: (sighs) Dad are you kidding me? This was supposed to be a weekend for you and mom? DAN: Well it didn't work out that way did it? NATHAN: So this whole father son thing, this is just plan B. DAN: What difference does it make how or why we got here. The point is we're here. And we're gonna have a good time. (a phone rings and they both check if it's theirs) NATHAN: It's Haley DAN: She's got you on a short leash. NATHAN: (talking on the phone) Yeah. HALEY: Hey its Haley. NATHAN: (not sounding enthusiastic) Yeah I know. Look its not a good time right now, alright? HALEY: Oh sorry I just... NATHAN: I'll call you back. (Nathan hangs up) DAN: Nice work. MAN: Shall I send up your bags? DAN: I have some golf clubs in the back of the car too, I'm taking my son to school on the links tomorrow. MAN: They'll be waiting on you on the tee in the morning. DAN: Perfect. (Man leaves; Dan walks towards the room. Nathan shakes his head and follows) [Lucas' bedroom) (Lucas and Brooke are making out in the dark. The lights turn on and both look up) BROOKE: (nervously) Hi, Uncle Keith. KEITH: Brooke. Could you maybe pick this up some other time? I'd like to have a word with Luke. BROOKE: Ok. (gets her things together and starts to leave not really knowing what else to do) LUCAS: Keith KEITH: Say goodnight Luke BROOKE: I'll...call you later (she walks out the door) (Luke watches her out the window) LUCAS: What the hell do you think you're doing? KEITH: That's funny I was just about to ask you the same thing. LUCAS: I get it. This is about Deb right? KEITH: No. This is, um, about you. And some incredibly bad judgment. And I think you should remember that Deb's the one keeping your mothers business alive while she's gone. LUCAS: Yes, but it doesn't give her the right to butt in alright? I mean look at Nathan. The guy gets away with 10 times the crap I do. KEITH: Well you're not Nathan. And you know, that's not the point. I mean what is this? You couldn't even be home for your mothers phone call tonight? LUCAS: I forgot. What'd you tell her? KEITH: I told her that you missed her. And that you loved her. And that you were at the library studying. You know, the Luke Scott that I know, is better than this. LUCAS: Well look the Keith Scott that I know isn't my mother alright? He's not even her boyfriend. So this really isn't your business. KEITH: Well that's where you're wrong. Cause while I'm here it is my business. You know, you might wanna take a long hard look in the mirror. And see if the guy staring back at you is the kind of person you want to be. (Keith walks out leaving Lucas upset on his bed) [Golf course with Dan and Nathan) (Nathan hit's the ball) DAN: Well what do you know, you actually hit the fare way this time. (laughing) DAN: watch and learn. (he hit's the ball) Oh, so pretty! My ball cleared yours on the fly. Maybe you wanna hit from the ladies tee next time. NATHAN: (walking back to the cart) Wanna drive? DAN: I just did! (laughing) (Nathan tries to ignore him) [Peyton's room) (Haley is looking through her music and Peyton is drawing on the bed) HALEY: (reading the names of the music) Vex, Cat Power, Cheap Trick. You're all over the place! PEYTON: I kind of got a lot of moods. (her phone rings; Peyton gets up and hands the picture the Haley as her answering machine picks up in the background) Alright finished. HALEY: Oh this is great! Thank you! PEYTON: No problem. BROOKE: (Voice on answering machine) Hello! Best friend! Pick up the phone. don't pretend you're not there, cause I can see you on your cry for help web cam. (show computer and see Peyton and Haley standing in view of the camera) HALEY: Web Cam? (looking around) PEYTON: Its...(point to it) BROOKE: (voice) Hi to you too tutor girl! PEYTON: Hold no just one second. (picks up the phone) Hello? Look I'm busy, I promised I would do something. (giving Haley a look like she is obviously lying) Okay. Yeah I'll call you tonight. Bye. (hangs up) Do you need help with those? (pointing to the flyers) HALEY: Oh no you don't have to do that. PEYTON: No, yeah I do. I mean, if you want help. HALEY: (Understanding that Peyton needs an excuse not to see Brooke) Yes I would love help. Yeah, come on. (Peyton throws a shirt over the web cam as they leave) [outside Jake's House) (Jake is playing the guitar outside as Lucas walks up with a basketball) LUCAS: Hey JAKE: Hey LUCAS: I was just on my way down to the river court man, thought maybe you'd want to shoot around. JAKE: Yeah it kind of feels weird not having Saturday practice right? LUCAS: (sits next to him and sighs) Never thought I'd miss it. JAKE: Yeah I appreciate it but I kind of have to stay around the house today LUCAS: What are you grounded? JAKE: No, no not exactly. LUCAS: You sick? (Jake just looks down not knowing what to say) Alright cool, you know what? You don't wanna hang out with me man its cool. Alright? I'll see you later man. (He starts to leave) JAKE: Luke. Come on in. (Lucas and Jake enter the house; Jake walks over to a crib; Lucas soon joins Jake by the crib) So this is Jenny (See an adorable baby girl) LUCAS: Is she... JAKE: Yeah. Yea, she's all mine. LUCAS: Wow that is unbelievable. (Jake gives a bottle to Jenny) How old is she? JAKE: (proud) She's 6 months. 9 days and a couple of hours. LUCAS: Who's the mother? JAKE: Uh, that's, that's a long story but lets just say shes out of the picture. LUCAS: So you're raising her all by yourself? JAKE: no my parents they work nights. And they help out a lot, between the three of us we're handling it. LUCAS: That explains a lot about you man. But um, why keep her a secret? JAKE: Oh come on you know how people are. LUCAS: Yeah but if you treat this like its something to be ashamed of, your daughter will carry that around with her for the rest of her life. JAKE: Well no, I'm not ashamed of her. I'm just trying to protect her. LUCAS: You know my mom did the same thing. When I found out, the truth about who I was, there was a part of me that thought that maybe, she kept it a secret because she was ashamed of me. Trust me man, you don't want to hide this. (Jake looks down at Jenny) [The streets) (Peyton and Haley are walking and putting flyers on cars) HALEY: Are you gonna come? PEYTON: I don't know. I want it its just kind of... HALEY: Brooke and Lucas. He told me about the other night. PEYTON: It's my own fault. I blew it. HALEY: Sorry PEYTON: The worst part is though, Brooke is my best friend, you know and she doesn't have any idea how much this is killing me. I don't know what kind of karmic monster I was in my past life! HALEY: Probably one of those sirens that lure in sailors and then kill them on the rocks. (Peyton jokingly pushes her and they laugh) HALEY: Look, between you and me, I really don't see Lucas and Brooke as like an epic romance, ok? (laughs) But I mean he did ask me to give them a chance, so I kind of owe him that you know? PEYTON: Well what do you think I should do? HALEY: The same thing. [Golf course) (Nathan is trying to putt) DAN: Never up never in Nathan. You really fell apart on the back nine. NATHAN: I think you told me that a few times already, Dad. (Nathan putts but it doesn't go in) DAN: Well it was a nice try. (Nathan tries not to say anything back) Well you sink this one you might actually break 100. (Laughs) Alright focus. Square your shoulders. Loose grip. Line it up. Good. (Nathan takes a full swing and hit's the ball past Dan into the water) Woah what the hell are you doing?! NATHAN: Never up never in, right dad? (Nathan starts to walk away) DAN: Hey! Watch it! NATHAN: You know this whole thing is just another chance for you to pick me apart and show me how much better you are. Well there you go Dad, you just kicked my @#%$, congratulations. (He starts to applaud) It was great really. DAN: Don't make a scene. NATHAN: You know what? I almost killed myself for you. You know that? DAN: What are you talking about? NATHAN: Drugs dad! I took drugs for you. DAN: No! My son would never take drugs. NATHAN: "Your son". it's all about you isn't it dad? You know why mom kicked you out? Cause you're a bully. And you don't give a damn about anything other than your own ego. DAN: Would you keep your voice down? NATHAN: No! You know what you should do? You should give mom a divorce. You should do her a favor and give mom a divorce. She's never going to be happy with you dad, Nobody is! (Nathan walks off the course) [Whitey's House-outside) (Keith walks up and brings the news paper to Whitey on the porch) WHITEY: You always were a sorry paper boy. Whenever you did manage to drag your butt out of bed, I'd get the paper either through a broken window or on a working sprinkler head. KEITH: Well maybe if you tipped in Holidays, it would be a different story. WHITEY: Pure extortion. Well are you here to warn me about the town lynching? KEITH: No firm date has been set yet, far as I know. (Whitey laughs as he reads the paper) Taking a little hiatus, huh? WHITEY: Extreme times call for extreme measures. KEITH: Oh yeah, that's kind of why I'm here. I need some advice. WHITEY: More trouble with Nathan? KEITH: Nah its Lucas. I'm worried he's taken some wrong turns and I think I might be part of the problem. WHITEY: How's that? KEITH: Well, I'm not exactly a shinning example of good choices. WHITEY: Well, you could take a page out of my book and step back. KEITH: That's your advice? Just...do nothing? WHITEY: Or you could emulate your brother and smother the kid with your own short comings. (both laugh) Now I've coached 35 teams. Some of them I've coddled, some of them I've yelled at. But each player has to find his own game. Don't worry about Lucas. He's a good kid. He'll find his way back to the main road. [THUD magazine-inside) (Peyton passes a man inside) GAVIN: Hey PEYTON: Hi (They walk past each other but Peyton looks back at him) PEYTON: You're Gavin DeGraw. (He turns back around) GAVIN: Oh yeah that's me. PEYTON: Are you playing in town? GAVIN: Yeah we're doing a gig at Carolina, and an interview. PEYTON: Oh, wow um. Ok not to be presumptuous or anything but you wouldn't be interested in playing a smaller space, like a much much smaller space. There's a thing across the street tonight. Open mic night. I know that's way beneath you but I would score so many major cool points if you would just come and play a couple of songs. I'll stop now! GAVIN: Well um, what's the name of this place? PEYTON: Um, Karen's Caf ? GAVIN: It's low key though right? PEYTON: No, totally low key. Um, maybe I'll see you there. GAVIN: Yeah maybe. PEYTON: Ok... Bye GAVIN: Bye [Lucas' house) (Lucas walks in and sits in the kitchen with Keith) LUCAS: Hey KEITH: Hey LUCAS: I kind of said some brutal things last night I wish I could take back. KEITH: Well, obviously I suck at this. I um, I want to be your friend, but I also want to do the right thing by your mom. LUCAS: And I know how important that is to you. I'm not really making it easy am I? KEITH: Well, at a certain point its up to you. It's your life. And I think the best thing I can do is back off and let you live it. And if you need help, I'll always be there. LUCAS: Thanks [Jake's house) (Jake starts to open his mail and sees a yellow folded paper) "THEY'VE GOT BOOSTER CHAIRS... LUKE" is written on the front (open to see a flyer for open mic night) [Karen's Caf ; open mic night) (The place is packed; Haley meets Peyton at the door) HALEY: Hey PEYTON: I guess all those flyers weren't a complete waste of trees. HALEY: Thank you so much for your help. Oh just grab an apron. (starts to walk away and Peyton looks at her) Kidding! Sit wherever you want, order whatever you want on the house, I'm glad you came. (she walks off to serve people) [Brooke and Lucas walk in) BROOKE: so this is the place LUCAS: This is it. BROOKE: Very buzz worthy. (she sees Peyton sitting alone in the corner) Cool clientele too. (Lucas kisses her forehead and she walks over to Peyton; Lucas walks to Deb) LUCAS: Listen, Deb, um...I just wanted to say you're doing a great job. My mom will be happy. DEB: That means a lot to me, thanks Lucas. LUCAS: And, about the other night. DEB: Yeah, yeah I know you think I overstepped my bounds LUCAS: No its just that if you have a problem with me, could you just talk to me about it first? DEB: You got it LUCAS: Alright (Brooke and Peyton sitting at a table; Lucas walks up to them) LUCAS: Hey, Mind if I join you? (Brooke looks at Peyton waiting for her answer) PEYTON: Actually, I was just leaving, I'll see you two. (she gets up and leaves, Brooke looks at her upset and gets up to follow) BROOKE: (to Lucas) I'll be right back (Outside the caf . Brooke runs after Peyton) BROOKE: Peyton! (Peyton looks angry that she followed her and turns around) BROOKE: What's going on? Are you mad at me? PEYTON: (almost with tears in her eyes) Its not you Brooke its me, I thought I was cool with this but I'm not, I'm sorry. BROOKE: With me and Lucas?! You do not have to feel like a third wheel. You're my best friend. Ok? He gets that. PEYTON: It's not that Brooke. BROOKE: Then what is it? PEYTON: I just...(looks back at Brooke and stops). You're right it's the whole third wheel thing, I guess I just missed you. BROOKE: Then will you please come inside and hang out? I miss you too, ok? Come on. (Peyton nods and they hug and walk back inside) [Inside Caf ; Haley gets on the mic) HALEY: Hey, so I just want to remind everybody that the stage is open, if anybody has any hidden talent they want to reveal. JAKE: (walking in the door) I'll give it a shot. (Brooke looks at Lucas surprised that he is there) HALEY: Great come on up. Thank God. Jake Jagielski ladies and gentlemen. (everyone cheers; Jake puts Jenny's carrier on the floor and sits with his guitar) JAKE: Um, so normally, I only sing for my daughter. (Peyton smiles) But something that a friend said convinced me that I should open up to a wider audience and this seemed like the right time and place. So everyone, this is my daughter, Jenny. And Jenny, this is my whole world. (Brooke and Lucas on the couch) BROOKE: Jake has a baby?! (Lucas looks at her and smiles. Haley stands next to Peyton at the counter) HALEY: You ok? PEYTON: (nods but looks upset) yeah (Haley walks away again; Peyton looks at Brooke and Lucas on the couch and they smile at each other) [Jake's song in the back ground: Such a Lonely boy Couldn't find the joy within Such a lonely girl Such a lonely world we're living in I watch it all go by I can't find a tear to cry) (the song gets very low as Haley picks up the phone to call Nathan; Nathan walks in the room and stands behind her) NATHAN: Jerk never called you back did he? (Haley turns around surprised and hugs him) Believe me you didn't want to talk to him anyways. HALEY: What are you doing here? NATHAN: Look I'm sorry... HALEY: No...(kisses him) I'm glad you're back. NATHAN: Yeah me too! It's like, every time I'm with him, I just get caught in this rip tide, you know, the harder I try to get out, the harder it is for me to keep from downing. HALEY: Maybe you just need to steer clear of the water for a little while. (Deb walks in) DEB: Hey, Nate. I thought you weren't getting back till tomorrow what happened? NATHAN: We were keeping score mom. What do you think happened? DEB: Oh honey I'm sorry, I should have known. NATHAN: Whatever, I'm used to it. (Puts his arm around Haley and walks out of the room) [Outside the caf ) (Dan is sitting in his car looking in; Jake still singing) [Inside the Caf ) (Jake singing and Peyton watching) [Jake's song: Such a lonely boy Such a lonely girl It's such a lonely world) (song ends; everyone cheers) PEYTON: So what are you, like, married too?! JAKE: Nah, its just me and Jenny. (Peyton looks at Jenny and back at Jake) PEYTON: She's got your eyebrows JAKE: Oh that's not a good thing! (both laugh) PEYTON: She's beautiful JAKE: Thanks, Peyton. (They walk away from each other; Enter Gavin DeGraw; Peyton meets them at the door) PEYTON: Thanks for coming GAVIN: I thought this was going to be low key PEYTON: Sorry! Is it still cool? GAVIN: Yeah its alright. [Nathan and Haley are standing along and Lucas comes to them) LUCAS: Listen man, some of the guys and I are gonna go down to the River Court, I wanted to know if you and the team wanted to come. NATHAN: Why? LUCAS: Cause it's fun. Don't you remember? (Nathan nods and Lucas walks away; Haley smiles at Nathan and jokingly nudges him) HALEY: Alright Ladies and gentlemen give it up for Gavin DeGraw! (cheers) [The band starts playing: I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do Or who I'm supposed to be I don't want to be anything other than me) [River Court) (hear music continue in the background) MOUTH: (voice only) good evening everyone to a historic game of basketball. I'm Mouth McFadden and tonight this is the only game that matters. (all the guys playing together; Lucas and Nathan are on the same team; Peyton and Brooke are sitting on top of a car with Jenny between; Haley walks up to them) HALEY: Hey BROOKE: Hey, tutor girl! (They all laugh; The ball rolls towards the girls and Jake goes after it; Peyton picks it up and hands it to them; They smile at each other; Brooke takes a picture of Jake and hands it to Peyton) BROOKE: I guess this answers the gay question. HALEY: Give me this. (takes the camera from Brooke) Get in. (Peyton and Brooke lean in towards Jenny and smile) Cheese! (Nathan scores and is obviously playing well with Lucas and his friends; Whitey and Keith in a car across the park watching the game) KEITH: I thought you might want to see this coach. Come a long way since the last time we sat here. WHITEY: uh huh. Makes you wonder where they're all headed. (Fades out from the game) [Caf ) (Dan enters) DAN: Busy night? DEB: What happened today Dan? DAN: Oh you know, we were going to spend the weekend but we missed you too much. DEB: I ask you to make good with your son and you make it worse. DAN: He flipped out on the 18th hole. It was embarrassing DEB: and did you badger him into it? You have a problem Dan. You're competitive and controlling and you need some help. DAN: Since when did you become mother of the year? Last I knew you were out of sight half the month and out of mind the rest. DEB: You're right. I have a lot of catching up to do with Nathan. But at least I'm trying to help. You on the other hand... DAN: What about me? DEB: I want you to see someone. A therapist. We'll go as a family. DAN: Forget it. DEB: Its not a negotiation Dan. You get some help or you're not going to see Nathan. DAN: (starts to leave) You really think you're going to stop me from seeing my own son? DEB: Try me. (Dan nods and leaves)

Lucas decides if he wants to date Brooke or Peyton. Elsewhere, Whitey cancels practice to help the team refocus. Dan takes Nathan on a weekend outing in an attempt to reconcile with his son; and Deb and Haley plan an open-mike night at the cafe. This episode is named after a song by Stereophonics .

fd_Heartland_07x06

fd_Heartland_07x06_0

Amy: Previously on "Heartland": Chaplin and I retired from trick riding a long time ago. Maybe you quit trick riding, but chaplin didn't! I better start doing something around here if I'm gonna convince Jack to let me stay for another week. I'm not going to California. What about surfing in Baja? Some other time. What are you doing? I thought you might wanna help me take it for a test drive? Hey, wait! It's a rental! Amy: Well, you ready? Sandra: As ready as I'm ever gonna be. All right, chaplin, let's do this before I change my mind. [SCENE_BREAK] [Clapping] Amy: Georgie, open the door! Georgie! Georgie: I'm not going! You can't make me! Amy: It's just one class. If you don't like it, you don't have to go back. But Lou wants you to give it a chance, please. Georgie! [Lock clicks] [Incredulous sigh] That's it, okay! I'm gonna count to five and if you're not out of the truck by then, you're not riding Phoenix for a week. One, two, three, four... Georgie: Fine! Georgie: You had to play the Phoenix card, didn't you? Lou, made me promise I'd get you in there, okay? All right, let's go. Sandra: Okay, now continuing your stretches, ladies. So over and just... Beautiful. Very nice. Okay. Sandra: Amy! It's so good to see you. Yeah, you too. I'm really sorry we're late. Sandra: Oh, that's okay, we're just getting started. You must be Georgie. Lou said you were a little bit nervous, but I promise you're gonna have a good time. Why don't you go switch your shoes and then find a place at the barre. Go on. Don't worry, I've had lots of reluctant students. She's gonna be fine. Amy: And how are you? I haven't seen you in ages. Good, but really busy. When I'm not teaching ballet, I'm teaching trick riding, and I just found out I'm headlining the half-time show for the stavely rodeo next week. That's fantastic. Yeah, except there's something going on with chaplin. He's been really inconsistent lately, and his patterns are all over the place. If you'd like, I could take a look at him. Really? Yeah. How's this afternoon? Yeah, I think so. Why don't you bring him by the ranch whenever you're ready. Thanks, Amy. Okay, I better go. Okay, have fun. Sandra: Come, come, come. Just... right there. Okay... So, everyone, first position... And plie. Very nice. Very nice. [Horn honks twice] Jeff: Hey, Ty! Pretty cool bike for something from the stone age. Ha! This beauty's a 1974 Norton commando. I restored it myself. Nice. Maybe you'd let me take her out for a spin sometime, huh? Yeah, I don't think so. Besides, why would you wanna ride something from the stone age? [Motorcycle engine rumbles loudly] Lou: Aw... I wish I could've been there, +++ but I have been so swamped. Cass really left me in the lurch here. Can you hang on a sec? One second. Georgie was a real trooper. She looked so adorable. Georgie: I looked like a dork! Lou: Um, does Georgie seem like she'll go back next week? I mean, did she have a good time? +++ - um... Georgie: I can't wait to get out of these tights, they're giving me a wedgie. I hate ballet! She's thinking about it. Lou: That's great. What did Georgie say? [Front door opens] [Footsteps thump] Georgie: Hi, Jack. Jack: How'd the dancing go? Do. [Chuckles] That good, huh? Hey, hey! Quiet as a mouse, I just put Katie down for a nap. Georgie: Okay. [Door handle clicks] Tim: Jack? Jack?! Found you. What're you doing up here? Lou asked me to take a look around for a box of. Yeah, well, I got a whole section of fence that needs fixing. I could use your help. Well, I can't. I'm looking after Katie. Wow. Lou's really got you wrapped around her finger, huh? Oh, it's just for a couple of days. Plus, it gives me an excuse to clean this place up a bit. Look at all this junk. Jack: Yeah, well, half of it's yours. So if you want any of it, you take it now or it's going straight to the dump. So tell me, how many bodies you got hidden up here, Jack? None... yet. [Tires crunch over gravel] Hey, Sandra! Sandra: Hey! Thank you so much for doing this, Amy. Hey, no problem. Why don't we get chaplin settled into to the sand ring and we'll have a look. [SCENE_BREAK] Georgie: Is that my ballet teacher? Amy: Yeah. She's not just a dance teacher. She's one of the best trick riders in the country. [Rapid hoof beats] [SCENE_BREAK] Forget ballet. That's what I wanna do! And at the break of day you sank into your dream you dreamer oh, oh, oh... You dreamer you dreamer [chaplin's hooves beat] [Tack jingles, hooves beat] One day, I wanna ride just like that. Well, if you're serious about it, she told me she teaches trick riding, as well. Really? Yeah. Oh, please, Amy, please, please, please. Well, it's not up to me. You've gotta ask Lou and Peter. I'm gonna go call 'em right now! [Chaplin's hooves beat] [Hooves thud softly] You see, the first few tricks go well and then he just stops cooperating. How long has he been doing that for? Couple weeks. Has there been any health issues or changes in his routine? I mean we've been training him pretty hard, but that's nothing new for chaplin. Well, if you like, you can leave him here. And I'll start working with him right away. That would be great. I just really need him back in shape for the stavely rodeo. Okay. We'll figure it out. Tim: Remember these? I had 'em made up when I ran for president of the cowboy association. Jack: Yeah, I'd rather forget. "It's time for Tim." Yeah, these are keepers. Definitely keepers. What do you got? Jack: Nothing. What is that? Jack: It's nothing. Let me see. That's the Dollhouse that we were making for Amy when she was four or five? She was five. And we don't need to talk about that. I think you kicked me out of the house before we finished. We, not mine. Jack: I'm going to go check on Katie. I can't believe this is still here. Ty: Chaplin looks good. No signs of lameness that I can see. I don't notice any hot spots or swelling. That's what I figured, but I wanted to double check. Sometimes if a trick riding horse is in pain, then they'll cut the corner and go through the ribbon. But obviously there's something else going on. Back to the drawing board, huh? Yeah. [Truck rumbles] Here we go. I didn't know Jeff was into motorcycles. Neither did I. Jeff: Yo, dude, check out the bike I just got. It's so awesome! Ha! All right! Does he know it's orange? Now you've had a dark cloud over your head all day. What is the deal? Georgie: Well, I just got off the phone with Lou and asked her about trick riding lessons. She said she'd think about it, which usually means no. Trick riding? Well, that's pretty risky business, so I gotta say I understand where she's coming from. [Heavy sigh] Jack: How serious are you about this? Very serious, Jack. Well, then you need to prove it to Lou. How do I do that? Well, a little extra effort around the house probably couldn't hurt. You want me to suck up? Jack: I didn't say that. But then again, a little sucking up can go a long way. [With a chuckle] Where are you going? Georgie: To start sucking up! Ty: How many cc's is it? I don't know, man, a lot. [Laughs] So cass tells me you tried to impress her with a sports car. Is this a rental too? Jeff: No, man, I got this with my own money. And besides, this has nothing to do with cass. I like motorbikes. Ty: You even been on a motorcycle before? Jeff: Yeah, lots of times. You got that? Jeff: Yeah, yeah, I got it. Oh, hey, we should take our bikes out for a spin, see if your old beater can keep up. What do you say? I dunno. I gotta get to the clinic right now, so. Aw, come on. I'll show you first hand what this baby can do. Sorry, man. But if I were you, I'd take it easy, all right? These gravel roads aren't your friend when you're starting out. Jeff: Yeah, don't worry about me, I know what I'm doing. [Bike engine rumbles loudly] Ty: Whoa, whoa! Hey, get your feet up! [Engine whines] Hey, Lou said dinner's ready, so you should put that saddle away and get cleaned up. It's not just a saddle, it's a trick riding saddle. Isn't it cool? Yeah, well, they all kinda look the same to me. Georgie: I'm gonna use it when I do trick riding lessons. You know, I saw a girl at the calgary stampede trick riding. It looked like a good way to break your neck. So is riding a motorcycle. I saw it outside. That's not the same thing. Yes it is. Jeff: No it's not, Georgie. Look, you could really hurt yourself doing this. You can't tell me what to do; You're not my dad! Okay, no, but I'm your big brother. Look, squirt, I'm only here for a few days. I don't want to spend them fighting with you, okay? You're leaving? Well, yeah. I gotta go back to work. Well, why couldn't you work here? Jack's still looking for a new full-time ranch hand. And make minimum wage? I don't think so. I mean, I got a real job in fort Mac. It's just that it feels like you just got here. Yeah, well, I wish I could stay longer. I really do. I mean I've had a blast hanging out with you. Me too. Hey, what do you say tomorrow we do something fun? I'll take you out to that mini golf place by the highway. Really? That would be awesome! All right, cool. It's a date. Now, come on in for dinner. So yes or no? What? Tric riding lesons. Lou: Uh, I'm still thinking about it. But I was sort of hoping you would take an interest in ballet. Well, I tried dance class, but it just wasn't me. Trick riding would be so much cooler, and it's even the same teacher. What about show jumping? What about it? Can you do both? Well, yeah. I love show jumping. But I really wanna do trick riding lessons. Sandra teaches lots of girls my age. Right, Amy? Yes, but this is up to Lou. Okay, I need to talk it over with Peter and he is on a flight to Beijing, so I will call him in the morning, okay? Okay. All right, I'm gonna get started on these dishes. Mm. I'll help you. No, it's okay, it's okay. I've got it. You've had a stressful day at the dude ranch. You should relax. Lou: Thank you. She's really serious about this, isn't she? She's been talking about it non-stop. Amy: Lou, you should've seen her face when she was watching Sandra perform. Jeff: I think she's nuts. I mean when did my little sister become such a daredevil? It's like she has a death wish or something. [Chuckles] I think it's hereditary. [Crickets chirp outside] Jack: Knock, knock. Hey. [Gasps] Oh, you found them! Thank you, grandpa, that is so great. I'm planning this whole series of blog posts about passing on all my favourite childhood books to Georgie. This is perfect. Speaking of Georgie... Did you really think that she was gonna enjoy that ballet class? Yes. No. I don't know. I guess I was just hoping she would find interest in something a little bit... Safer. You know, show jumping is dangerous enough, and now she wants to hang off the back of a galloping horse with her head two inches from the ground. Well, it is risky, there's no doubt about that, but, well, maybe that's what she likes about it. You can't change who she is. I don't want to change her. I want her to stay exactly the way she is: In one piece, with all of her limbs working. You worry too much. I know. I can't help it. Jack: It doesn't help anybody, you know, especially not the person doing all the worrying. So we're just gonna take chaplin on a little trail ride? Amy: I'm hoping if I can let him be a normal horse for awhile, then he'll be more cooperative in the ring. [Engine whines loudly in the distance] Ty: What an idiot. Look at this guy. He's all over the place. He's got zero control. And now he's going way too fast! There's no way he should be on that bike. Amy: I thought the same thing about you when you got your bike. Ty: That's different, Amy. Amy: Oh yeah? Ty, come on, he is Georgie's brother. Maybe we should go easy on him for a little while? You could even give him some pointers. Ty: I'll give him a pointer: Stay off the road. Amy: Ty! Hey. Ty: I'll think about it, okay? Amy: [Chuckles] [Stairs creak] Lou: Grandpa? Morning, Lou. Lou: I thought I heard somebody up here. Yeah, I'm just trying to tidy up a bit. Okay. Well, I'm heading out. Uh, Katie should be up soon. Okay, I'm coming down. What is that? Oh, an old project I never got around to finishing. Looks like a Dollhouse. Yeah. Yeah, it was supposed to be for Amy. I should probably throw it out, but... Well, it'd be kind of a shame. I thought maybe Katie might like it? Are you kidding me? Katie would love that. Jack: Well, okay. Might take me a few days to finish, but I'll see what I can do. That's sweet. Thanks, grandpa. I'm off. See ya. Oh, um, you haven't seen Georgie around, have you? Jack: Uh, yeah, she is supposed to do something with her brother, but I don't think they've left yet. Lou: Okay. Georgie: Jeff? You there? Time to get up. Jeff? Lou: Georgie! [Birds chirp] Oh, good, you're still here. Seen Jeff? Lou: Ah, no. Georgie: Well, we were supposed to go mini-golfing, but I don't know where he is. That sounds fun. I'm sure he's gonna show up. Don't worry. Lou: Ah, but listen, Georgie, I haven't been able to get a hold of Peter, but I've been doing a lot of thinking about this trick riding and... I'm sorry, Georgie, I just don't think it's the right time. You know, you are so busy with your horse shows and I really think you need to concentrate on your show jumping. Well, how come I have time for ballet, but I don't have time for trick riding? Okay, fine. It is not just a matter of time. You're only twelve years old, Georgie, and I really just think trick riding can wait. Well, I need to start young if I wanna get any good. Lou: I'm not saying no forever. You can try next year, okay? What's the difference if I'm 12 or 13? Lou: I know you're disappointed, but that is my final decision. Now I'm late for the dude ranch. We can talk about this more when I get home, but for now, no trick riding. Tim: Lou, I've got a bone to pick with you. Lou: What is it, dad? Tim: You've got Jack so busy taking care of Katie, that I am running the ranch on my own. Again. Lou: He's just helping me out until Nicole gets here. You do know that he is not your personal nanny, right? Grandpa likes spending time with Katie, for your information, and you should see how good he is with her. You know, he's actually building her a Dollhouse right now. A Dollhouse? Ty: Need a lift? Jeff: No. I'm good. What, you run out of gas? What makes you think that? Don't sweat it. Happens to newbies all the time. When that red light starts flashing, you might wanna stop and get some gas. Jeff: Really? Thought it meant stop and get a beer. Ty: You want a ride or what? Suit yourself. [Truck engine rumbles] [Hooves thud rapidly] Wow, Amy! I didn't know you could trick ride. Amy: Well, I can do some of the easier tricks. But nothing like Sandra can do. So is chaplin better now? Well, I think so. You know, he's seems a whole lot more cooperative after a few trail rides. I think maybe he just needed a change. Hey, Georgie, I'm gonna run into town, go to the feed store. Do you mind settling him into his stall for me? Georgie: Yeah, sure. Amy: Okay, thanks. You are such a good boy. You are. Yeah. Tim: I know what you're trying to do, Jack, and it won't work. Jack: Hello to you too, Tim. Tim: You're gonna give Katie the Dollhouse and take all the credit. Jack: What are you talking about? Tim: You're already making me look bad with all this free babysitting and now you're trying to out-gift me with the Dollhouse. You know, leave it to you to turn this thing into some kind of competition. Tim: You're the one trying to be the hero. I'm not trying to be a hero. Just thought Katie might like the Dollhouse. Like it?! She'll love it. And I am not letting my granddaughter grow up thinking it's her "great grandfather's Dollhouse" when we started building it together. That makes it our Dollhouse, not your Dollhouse. Jack: That was a long time ago. And if you recall, it didn't exactly end well. Tim: I want in, Jack. I'm not taking no for an answer. Georgie: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, all the way from Hudson, alberta, the amazing Georgina crawley Fleming Morris! [Pained yelp] Jeff: Georgie! Georgie! You okay? Yeah, I think so. Jeff: What the hell were you doing? Georgie: Don't! A trick. I told you not to do that! And I told you you can't tell me what to do! Look, stop doing stupid stuff! [Pained whimper] You don't even care! What are you talking about? Of course I care. No you don't! Two words: Mini golf. Georgie, I'm sorry. Look, I had a problem with my bike, okay? I ran out of gas, but... Look, I will make it up to you, okay? You know what? Don't even bother. If you can't wait to get back to fort Mac, why don't you just go?! Ouch. You know, what you did was really dangerous. I know. I just wanted to know what it felt like... For a second. Well, you need to respect what Lou says, and she thinks you're too young. [Sighs] I know. Are you gonna tell her what I did? That depends. You have to promise not to pull anything like that again. Cross my heart. Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] What's all that? I found it online. Sandra is super famous and I can't believe I know her. Do you think she'll sign one of the photos for me? I think she probably will. [Laughs warmly] [Sandpaper rasps] You know, by the time we're done this Dollhouse, +++ Katie ought to be ready +++to leave for college. Jack: Yeah, well, good craftsmanship takes time. Tim: Yeah, fifteen years and counting. Jack: You can thank yourself for that, I guess. If you weren't so messed up back then, I wouldn't have had to kick you out and we'd have given this Dollhouse to Amy for Christmas just like we planned. There's nothing I can do about that, Jack. I might have been a lousy father back then, but I've more than made up for it. Yeah, well, that's debatable. You know how much I do for my girls! How do you think Lou was able to buy the diner? I figure Lou made that happen all on her own. Well, you figured wrong. Lou and Peter didn't even have enough money for the down payment, so I pitched in I became a silent partner. And Lou was okay with that? She doesn't know. What do you mean she doesn't know? Well, I knew she was too proud to take my money, so I told Peter not say anything. Buying Maggie's was Lou's dream. You are a piece of work, you know that? I did it for Lou. I don't need recognition. Well, I guess that makes you father of the year then, doesn't it? Tim: Where are you- where are you going? Hey! What's your problem? Well, there's too much hot air up there for my liking. Well, what do you care if I gave Lou the money? You know what? Just keep your voice down. She's in the other room. Now, I don't care what you do with your money. But not telling Lou that you're a part owner in this diner, that's a huge mistake. And forcing her husband to keep your secret? Well, that's just plain dishonest. Tim: You're making a big deal out of nothing. Jack: When Lou finds out about this, and she always does, this is gonna blow up in your face. You mark my words. You're wrong. You're wrong, Jack. I got nothing to feel bad about. I did a good thing for my daughter. Well, if it's such a good thing, why don't you tell her the truth? I'm going to bed. [Footsteps thunk on stairs] Hey. Hey. You're leaving? Uh, yeah, yeah. Gotta head back up north. Duty calls. Well, did you even say goodbye to your sister? Nah, she's pretty mad at me. Thought I'd let her cool off. I'll call her when I get home. Huh. Well, it's too bad you're leaving. I was thinking we should go for a rip on our bikes. Give you a few pointers, you know. But if you gotta go, you gotta go. Yeah, you wouldn't be able to keep up with me anyway. [Laughs] Huh. I. Guess we'll never know. Wait... Hey, Ty! Wait up! [Cabin door closes] Lou... Lou: Hey, dad. Can I have a word with you? Yeah, but I've got four guests arriving any minute, so make it fast. Tim: Well, there's something that I should've told you awhile ago about the diner. Lou: What about it? Well, you and Peter didn't have the money to make the down payment. Yeah, we did, dad. In case you haven't noticed, I'm the owner now. Yeah... So I made up the difference. What do you mean? Peter said you were short, so I pitched in some funds. Actually, I pitched in a lot of funds. In a way, I think, I guess that makes me your silent partner. Surprise! Look, I know I should've told you, honey, but... You and I weren't exactly getting along at the time and I was afraid you weren't gonna take my money, and I knew how important it was to you, so I didn't want anything to stand in the way of your dream. And don't go blaming Peter for this because I told him to keep his mouth shut. So if you're gonna blame anybody, you should be blaming me. You hugging me 'cause you wanna strangle me or...? Thank you for believing in me, dad. Well, I love you. [Bike engines whine] Ty: All right, here's the plan. We're gonna head up to my trailer a couple Miles up the road. Jeff: Yeah, whatever you say. You need to get a feel for your bike before we add any speed. So take it easy, okay? Jeff: You take it easy, old man! [Jeff's bike revs loudly] Hey, where are you going?! Hey! [Engines rumble loudly] [Jeff's bike revs loudly on acceleration] [Engine rumbles] Ty: [Victorious laughter] Yeah! [Laughing] [Engine rumbles loudly, idling] Where is that kid? [Tires crunch over gravel] Jeff?! Jeff! Jeff: Seriously, guys, I'm fine. I, I slowed down before I slid out. I barely have a scratch. Jack: Yeah, well, I'm taking you to the clinic just the same. Okay, but it's really not necessary. We'll see about that. [Ladder clunks] I tried to warn him about the curve in the road, Jack. He wouldn't listen. He just took off. Mm. Okay, it wasn't totally his fault. I kinda raced him a bit, so I'm a bit of an idiot. Jack, the guy pisses me off, man. He sees my bike, he goes out and buys some over-priced crotch rocket, acts like he owns the road. I had to knock him down a few pegs. Yeah, well, mission accomplished. Do you feel good about that? No. Why do you think he went out and got that bike in the first place? 'Cause he's got more money than he knows what to do with. No. It's 'cause he's showing off just for you. You gotta remember, he grew up without parents, probably didn't have a lot of people to look up to. So, like it or not, you're a role model for that boy. I'm not a role model, especially not for that kid. Mm, well, that's too bad. He could use someone like you in his life. That is, when you're not being an idiot. Ty: [Half laughs] [Hooves thud rapidly] [SCENE_BREAK] Amy: Wow. [Laughs] Sandra: Whoa... Amy: Yeah! Georgie: Woo! Georgie: That was incredible! Sandra: Thanks! Oh, chaplin's totally back to his old self. Amy: You know, he loves performing, but horses are a lot like people. Sometimes they get bored if they do the same thing over and over again. Sandra: From now on, I'll change up his routine, make sure he gets a lot of variety. Thank you so much, Amy. No problem. Can I? Ye. Okay, okay. Georgie: Sandra, can you sign this for me, please? Really? Sure, I'd love to. I haven't seen this picture in ages. [Marker squeaks on photo] There you go. Thank you! I can't wait to show Lou. Sandra: Oh, and Georgie? You should think about coming back to ballet classes. If you want to be a trick rider, there's no better way to work on your balance and flexibility. Okay, I will. I'm sorry, I didn't know she was gonna choose that picture. She doesn't know about your sister. That's okay, I love that picture. How are you? I mean, things must still be difficult. It's getting better. Used to be that I didn't wanna perform without Diana. It was just too painful to think about her. But now, I don't wanna stop trick riding because it's what keeps her memory alive. I really appreciate everything you've done for me, Amy. If there's anything I can do for you, just ask. Actually there might be something. Tim: [Exhales and chuckles] "Thanks for believing in me, dad." What are you going on about now? That's what Lou said. "Thanks for believing in me, dad." I told her everything. Wasn't even mad, not even a little bit. In fact, she pretty much called me the world's greatest dad. Well, you should put that on a t-shirt then. You know, between Lou and Katie's Dollhouse, I'm on a fatherhood roll, Jack. You know, actually, I've been doing some thinking about that Dollhouse. You're Katie's grandfather, so I think you should be the one to finish it for her. It won't be as good if I'm not involved, but it'll go a lot faster. Yeah, no. No, no, no. We started together, we finish together. Jack: Why? Whenever we do anything together we just fight about it. Tim: Well, then, we're just gonna have to get over ourselves, aren't we, Jack? Come on, for Katie's sake. For Katie's sake. Amy: Lou, I know you already said no to trick riding lessons, but I think maybe you should reconsider. I didn't say no forever. I just said to wait until she's older. Well, how old? I don't know... Thirty-five. Lou, you can't bubble wrap Georgie and protect her from every scrape and fall. I know, Amy, but it's trick riding and I can't help but think of everything that could go wrong. Okay, I understand that, but Sandra is a professional and she is gonna teach Georgie to be disciplined and not take dangerous risks. Lou, would you please just have an open mind? I'd like to try something. [Sighs] Sandra: Nice. Good. Okay, straighten your knees. Yeah. So how are you doing? Sandra: Great job, Georgie. I guess it's not as scary as I thought. So much for ballet lessons. Sandra: Nice! Good. Okay, are you ready? Ready. Very nice! Ha! One thing's for sure, Georgie sure didn't smile like that in dance class. Jeff: [Pained exhale] [Ty knocks] Ty: So you gonna live? Jeff: Yeah, doc said I was fine. Ty: Well, you're lucky. That stunt you pulled was pretty stupid. Jeff: Hey, you're the one that pulled ahead of me. Ty: Okay, then I guess we're both pretty stupid. [Jeff and Ty chuckle playfully] Jeff: Stop! [Grunted exhale] You know, this um... This visit didn't really turn out the way I expected. I bet you'll be real happy to see me leave. Actually, no. I was hoping you'd stick around. I mean, at least until you've worked things out with Georgie. Nah, man, I've been messing up big time. She's better off without me. I get it. I used to run away a lot too. Things would get complicated and I'd just take off. I'd disappear. Sticking around and working things out, it's hard. See you later. Sandra is the coolest teacher ever! I can't believe she gave me a private lesson. I was so scared, and I was sure I was gonna fall off, but then I did it! Amy and Georgie: [Laugh] Jeff: Hey, I just came to say goodbye. I thought you already left. No, I'm heading out tomorrow morning. Okay. Bye. Amy: Georgie... Jeff: No, no, no, it's okay. She's mad at me 'cause I screwed up our plans yesterday. You know, I meant what I said, Georgie. I'm gonna make it up to you, okay? Maybe if I get some vacation time, I'll come back at Christmas. I'll call you when I get home, okay? See you around, squirt. Lou: Georgie, that wasn't very nice, especially considering he came all this way to see you. I know, but... I guess I just thought I'd get to spend more time with him. But he's too busy. Yeah, but you're busy too. The important thing is your brother is here, and he may not be perfect, but he's trying. Amy: Hey, you know who this girl is in the picture with Sandra? Georgie: No. Amy: Well, her name's Diana. She's Sandra's sister. They used to perform together and they were absolutely amazing. But Diana passed away a few years ago. That's awful. You know, Georgie, sometimes we think we have all the time in the world with the people we care about, but the truth is, we don't. [Exhales, thoughtful] Jeff: Hey, what are you doing with my bike? Ty: Fixing it, and you're gonna help. You wanna learn how to ride a motorcycle, you gotta respect it, and that starts with knowing how it works. Are you in or are you out? Yeah, sure. All right. I know you gotta get to fort Mac, so we'll work fast. Uh, actually, um... I was thinking about what you said yesterday. I'm gonna stick around for a bit, see if I can patch things up with my sister. Good. That's good. Okay, we're gonna start with the brake lever. Jeff: Okay... Jeff: Yeah, screw's up here. Ty: Yeah, that's right. Ty: Throw that in the top. Jeff: Jam it in here. Tim: Are you ready for this? Lou: [Gasps in amazement] You guys, it's beautiful! Lookit! I can't believe it. Katie, look! It's our house. Tim: Yeah. It was my idea to make it look like the house. Jack: It was my idea. Tim: It was our idea. Ratio's still out on the roof. Jack: Yeah, well, I told you to fix that, but you didn't. I was busy doing the brick work, Jack. I don't know what you guys are talking about, it's perfect. Thank you. Both of you. Hey, Katie? We both love it. Looking out at the world we're in We are the love we are the love we give hey. Georgie: Are you still planning on leaving today? Well, um, not if you don't want me to. Do you feel like going on a trail ride? Or are you still too bruised from falling off your bike? [Half laughs] No, I feel okay, I'm just... I'm not much for horses. Well, you should at least give it a try. Because... What if we never have a chance to go riding again? Maybe we have all the time in the world, maybe we don't. What's with you? Nothing. I'm just happy you're here. Me too. We are the love all right, squirt, let's saddle up. [Grunts with effort] [Water splatters] Hey. Hey. How'd it go with Jeff's bike? Not bad. He did a pretty good job with it. I'm really glad you gave him a chance. Oh, I didn't do anything. I think you did a lot, actually. [Laughs playfully] Mm. [Laughs] Thank you. Hey. Hey, why don't we get outta here, go back to my place? Well, I would love to, but I promised Lou we'd be home for dinner. Oh... That's too bad. You know, if we leave right now... This is not some one-way mirror Looking out at the world we're in Jeff: This is crazy! We are the love we give Jeff: Hey. I'm starting to see it clearer We belong to those who live we are the love we are the love we give

Georgie is enthralled when she sees one of Amy's clients trick riding, and she's determined to pursue it despite Lou's misgivings. Georgie tries trick riding. Georgie's brother bonds with her. Tim tells Lou he paid for Maggie's.

fd_The_L_Word_01x08

fd_The_L_Word_01x08_0

[A horse whinnies.] [Fade in. Tommy James & The Shondells "Crimson and Clover" plays.] INT. - HORSE RIDING RING - DAY [A couple of young women, Sharon and Leslie, ride on horses in a small arena.] [title card: Santa Rosa, CA 1968] Leslie: I didn't get in. Sharon: Then I'm not going. Leslie: Don't be ridiculous! You get to go to Paris and Germany and Spain, meet the best dressage riders in the world. Sharon: It won't be any fun without you. Leslie: You'll probably make best friends with some snobby girl from Spence. You won't even want to talk to me when you get back. INT. - HORSE STABLES - DAY [The girls are putting their horses up.] Sharon: (brushing her horse) Will you go back to Seneca Lake? Leslie: (walking her horse into a stall) I think I might stay here. My mom wants me to canvass for Nixon/Agnew in the California primary. [Leslie starts to change out of her riding clothes. Sharon walks into the stall.] Leslie: Send me postcards, okay? Every day? Sharon: I'm gonna miss you so much, Leslie. [They hug. As they pull away, Sharon starts to kiss Leslie. Leslie pushes her away.] Leslie: Jesus! What are you doing? [Sharon stares in shock at Leslie. Leslie backs away from her.] Sharon: It just... I don't know, it just happened. It felt right. Leslie: People have all kinds of feelings! It doesn't mean we're supposed to act on them! [Leslie puts on a shirt and leaves. Sharon turns and watches, sadly.] [main titles.] INT. - HALLWAY OUTSIDE DAN FOXWORTHY'S OFFICE - NIGHT [Bette and Tina approach an office door.] Bette: I don't think I wanna do this. [Bette tries to walk off, but Tina grabs her and brings her back.] Tina: Try. If we hate it, we can stand up and say, "Sorry, we're better than you." And we're out of here. Or else, we could pass judgment on them without ever even meeting them. [Bette sighs and bends over to talk to Tina's tummy.] Bette: I just want you to know I'm only doing this for you. [Bette kisses Tina's tummy. They open the doors.] INT. - DAN FOXWORTHY'S OFFICE - NIGHT [Bette and Tina enter. A handful of men and women are taking their seats in a small group circle.] Dan: Ah. Welcome. (to group) Bette and Tina. [Bette and Tina walk to a couple of empty chairs and sit. Dan takes a seat at the head of the group.] Dan: So. [Tina pats Bette on the back. Bette pulls away from the contact, so Tina withdraws her hand. Tina folds her arms. Bette looks uncomfortable.] INT. - THE GARAGE - NIGHT [Jenny walks in the door. Her old friend from college, Annette, is there, listening to loud rock music. They're happy to see each other.] Jenny: Hey! Annette: Hey! Jenny: When did you get here? Annette: Hi, big girl! Give me a hug! [Annette and Jenny hug.] Jenny: It's so good to see you! Annette: Oh, it's nice to see you! [Later...] [Loud rock music still playing. It's Annette's band, The Garanimals.] Jenny: The band... Annette: Yeah, this is the band, this is me. This is my band. The Garanimals! Jenny: (jumping up and down) The band! Annette: Do you love it? Do we rock? Jenny: It's good! It's - it's, it's good, yeah, yeah, yeah - Annette: (smiling) We rock. Right? Forget it, you think I sold out with the real estate thing. Jenny: No, I think you're turning into a suit! Annette: Yeah, I'm a real estate broker. Look, it's cool to do something stupid and make a lot of money, and, uh, then you can do whatever the hell you want. Allright? Jenny: (smiling) Allright. Okay, okay. [Annette and Jenny smile and laugh at each other. Annette sits down.] Annette: I love your apartment, by the way. Jenny: You do? Do you think it has good energy? Annette: (smiling) I think it's a tool shed. INT. - DAN FOXWORTHY'S OFFICE - NIGHT [Dan walks around the group.] Dan: If I take more responsibilities for my choices and actions today... [Dan pats Matt on the head.] Matt: I will stop blaming Charlie for my low self-esteem. [Tina looks at Bette. Bette sits hunched forward, uninterested, and checks her watch.] Dan: Sometimes I keep myself passive when I... [Dan pats Tina on the head.] Tina: Let Bette make all the financial decisions in our lives. [Yolanda, a member of the group, eyes Bette's discomfort. Bette sits back, frowning, looking immensely unhappy and uncomfortable.] Tina: Even though we agreed that we - Dan: That's good, Tina. Just a simple, declarative statement. No need to elaborate at this stage. [Bette sits in her chair, extremely closed off to this experience. She's turned away from Tina.] INT. - THE GARAGE - NIGHT [Annette and Jenny are milling around, shooting the breeze.] Jenny: Why couldn't I have been born with a trust fund, you know? All I wanna do is just sit at this desk and just write and... Annette: That's because most people with trust funds aren't tortured enough to write. [Jenny takes off her work shirt to change.] Annette: So, um, are you and Tim still having s*x? Jenny: Uh... Annette: Were you having s*x when you broke up? Or did you break up out of boredom? Jenny: Okay. [Jenny slips a shirt on. Annette lays on the couch.] Annette: Did you have a lot of angry s*x? That's kinda hot. Jenny: Can we please, please, please not talk about Tim? It's the worst mood killer. [Jenny sits at the coffee table and picks up a glass.] Annette: Thank god. Because, I've gotta tell ya. Back in college? Do you have any idea how hard it was to get any sleep in a bed ten feet away from you guys doin' it? I mean, I was mildly disgusted by his bulging muscles. And his little... his little grunts of pleasure... [Jenny takes a sip from her drink and covers her ear.] Annette: "Oh..." (makes faces) "Ohh... oh Jenny... oh Jenny, Jenny" Jenny: No, no, no, no, stop, stop. Annette: What? Jenny: It's evil to say bad things about Tim. Annette: Oh, for god's sakes, what is this? Jenny: It is. Annette: You guys gonna get back together in a week? I mean, you've been banished to the tool shed to do your penance, and then he's gonna let you back into his hallowed bed? Jenny: No. It's done, it's over. Annette: It's over? Jenny: (waves hand) Fini! INT. - DAN FOXWORTHY'S OFFICE - NIGHT [A lone chair sits in the center of the room. One by one, members of the group are asked to sit in it and express their feelings. Dan addresses the person sitting there.] Dan: My greatest fear about being a parent is... Charlie: That our child will... seem like an alien to us. And... will seem like an alien to him. (a beat) Or her. [Later...] Matt: That I'd be bored. Being a stay-at-home dad. And I'd start to blame Charlie. [Later...] Oscar: That Alma will never really accept Hector as our child. [Later...] Alma: That Hector will... continue to be a troubled child. [Later...] Yolanda: That my daughter will feel angry with me for not giving her a father. [Later...] [The chair is empty, waiting for the next person. Dan clears his throat. Bette looks at the group. The group looks at her.] Bette: Pass. Dan: Okay. Let's move on. Tina? [Later...] [Tina is in the chair.] Tina: Uh... (chuckles) I know Bette and I must have some fears, because, uh... [Bette stares at Tina, arms crossed.] Tina: ... otherwise, what would we be doing in this group? But, we're pretty comfortable with the whole lesbian parent thing. I guess our greatest fear would be... whether or not Bette's father will accept our child. Yeah. That's it. That Bette's father won't consider, um... our baby to be his grandchild. [Bette's "I have better things to be doing" expression softens a little. Tina gets up and goes back to her seat.] Dan: Now. The next exercise. Bette: My greatest fear about being a parent is... [The group looks up at Bette.] Bette: ... that I, uh, won't be a... good enough... provider. Dan: That's good, Bette. Takes time to build trust in the group. [Bette and Tina smile at each other.] Dan: Eventually, it'll be easier to say what you really mean to say. INT. - THE GARAGE - NIGHT [Annette pulls something out of her bag. It's a bottle of wine.] Annette: I... went on a 3 day wine tour. Jenny: Whoa! Wine! Good! Annette: (showing bottle) This is really yummy. Jenny: Okay, we gotta go to Tim's to get the corkscrew. Annette: No sh1t? Where is he? Jenny: On a recruiting trip. Annette: Oh, goody. Oh, this is gonna be so much fun, because we can snoop to our heart's content, right? Jenny: (smiling) (nodding) Yes. Annette: We can go through his drawers. Read his mail. Put on his pants! Jenny: Maybe! Annette: Weee! [Annette and Jenny head out to the back door of Tim's house.] EXT. - TIM'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - NIGHT [Jenny runs up to Tim's back porch and pulls a chair up to the door.] Annette: I'm gonna dance topless on his table, baby. What are you doing? Jenny: (standing in chair) I'm getting the key. Annette: Oh, okay. Jenny: Thank you, Tim. [Jenny starts to feel around the top of the door for the key.] Annette: So, do you think he's really on a recruiting trip, or do you think he's in some little love nest with another woman? Jenny: No... [Jenny has the key. She steps down off the chair and pushes it away.] Annette: I'm just asking. Jenny: Not... (sighs) Annette: Uh-oh. What? What is this face? [Jenny unlocks and opens the door.] Annette: Is there another woman? Jenny: Sort of. INT. - DAN FOXWORTHY'S OFFICE - NIGHT [Everyone is laying down on pillows, in a circle, with their heads near each other. The lights are off.] Oscar: Not everything is about furthering my political career. Yolanda: Really. Well, you wouldn't know that to hear you speak publicly. Oscar: (sighs) These are two very separate issues for me. This kid has been bounced around from group home to a foster home, to the shelter. I've worked with him for a couple of years, and I know that. If he doesn't get into a good family, then he is a goner. Tina: I think it's really admirable to adopt a needy child. Bette and I wanted to adopt originally. Oscar: So why didn't you? Bette: (sighs) Because some girl from the Midwest who hasn't even met a lesbian and who thinks we have horns isn't about to choose us as the adoptive parents for her baby. It's just the way the system works right now. Yolanda: That's only if you're set on getting a newborn white baby. Alma: (to Yolanda) What's wrong with a white person wanting a white baby? Bette: I think most people want to have a family that looks like the family that they grew up in. [Yolanda sits up and looks at Bette.] Dan: Yolanda? You have something you want to say to Bette? Yolanda: (to Dan) I do. (to Bette) You talk so proud and... forthright about being a lesbian. But you never once refer to yourself as an African-American woman. [Bette huffs.] Yolanda: All I hear you saying is that white people should only take care of white babies. [Yolanda lays back down. Bette sits up.] Bette: I said nothing of the kind. In fact, I was just about to say that Tina and I chose an African-American donor because it was important to us to have a family that reflects who we are. [Yolanda sits up.] Yolanda: Before you can reflect who you are, you have to be who you are. I mean, look, they're wondering what the hell we're talking about because they didn't even know you were a black woman. (laying down) I think before you have a child, you need to reflect on what it is you're saying to the world while hiding so behind the lightness of your skin. [Bette smiles and shakes her head.] Bette: (calm) You know... you know nothing about me. You don't know how I grew up. You don't know how I live my life. Yolanda: That's because you - Dan: Yolanda? Bette? I'm going to have to ask you to save this 'til Thursday. Now we'll, uh, we'll pick it up during freestyle. Good work, everyone. [Dan turns on the lamp. Bette is the first one up, followed by the others.] Oscar: (to Tina) Hey. Tell Bette not to let Yolanda get to her too much. She's just trying to figure her out. See if she has an ally. Stick around. You know, in a couple weeks, you'll actually start looking forward to it. Tina: (smiling) Oh, no, no. (standing up) We both thought it was, um, really interesting. Oscar: We? (standing up) You haven't even had a chance to talk to Bette about it yet. [Tina looks across the room. Bette waits impatiently with their things.] Tina: (to Oscar) Oh, yeah. Um. I thought it was really interesting. And, um, I'll talk to Bette about it, and then we'll both decide what we want to do. Oscar: Hmp. Tina: Better? Oscar: Mm-hmm. [Tina smiles, then leaves.] Oscar: See ya. INT. - TIM'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Jenny and Annette are sitting on Tim's couch, listening to Tim's stereo, drinking Annette's wine, talking.] Annette: Oh, my god! That is... I mean... well, I'm so glad it was you and not Tim who went out and did the nasty. You know? So, like, what did, where'd - where'd you meet him? What does he do? What is he... what is he? What does he look like? Jenny: At a party. Annette: Yeah. (sips wine) Jenny: Uh... owns a cafe. Annette: (nods) That's cool. Jenny: Annette, I'm not proud of what I did. It was really shitty. Annette: What... is he funny? Jenny: (shaking head) Definitely not. Annette: Smart? Jenny: I don't know. Annette: But hot. Jenny: (looks at Annette) Marina's definitely hot. [Jenny smiles. Annette eye's bulge.] Annette: (slowly) Ma-ri-na. (smiling) Whoa. Dude. That's the one thing I haven't done! (laughs) What are you gonna call her in the story? (sips wine) Jenny: No, I didn't do it because of that. God, I didn't do this... for something to write about. [Jenny wipes at her eyes.] Annette: Jenny? [Jenny smiles, staring straight ahead.] Annette: Hey. Jenny: (whispering) (smiling) What? Annette: (whispering) Look at me. [Jenny turns to Annette, tears in her eyes.] Annette: Oh, my god. [Jenny wipes tears.] Annette: She broke your heart. Jenny: (sighs) f*ck. EXT. - THE PLANET - DAY [People are outside the cafe, enjoying the weather.] INT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Alice, Shane and Marina are inside talking to Dana, and looking at her new Subaru magazine ad. It's a picture of Dana playing tennis. The words "GET OUT. AND STAY OUT." are above her. Dana looks at the ad, but doesn't seem happy.] Alice: You look great! Marina: I love it! Shane: Hey, Dana, you look really good. Marina: Look at you! Alice: It's awesome! Marina: Oh, I need you to sign it. Make it out to, uh, Francesca and I. Dana: Okay. [Dana sets the magazine down on the bar and proceeds to sign the ad.] Alice: (to Marina) She's back? Shane: Oh, well, then you should bring her to Twat. We have to take her. Marina: (to Dana) Make it really special. Alice: Yeah, sign it, Dana Fairbanks, Professional Lesbian. [Dana rolls her eyes at Alice.] Alice: Oh, c'mon. It's going wide next week. It's gonna be in every magazine you read. Marina: That's amazing. You won't be able to keep the girls away. [Marina makes meowing noises.] Marina: (to Dana) Your parents must be so proud. Alice: Dana... did you not do it? Marina: You didn't come out to your parents yet? [Dana clenches her jaw, looking extremely worried.] Shane: Well, I think Subaru's gonna do it for you. Alice: You didn't tell 'em? You didn't tell 'em. [Dana leans on the counter and puts her face in her hands.] Alice: Allright, you know what, you have to do this today, 'cause - Dana: I can't do it today, Al. My mom's getting that award from her women's group, or whatever. Marina: (to Dana) Your mother belongs to a women's group? That's good. Alice: (to Marina) Uh-uh. Orange County Republican Women's Coalition. Marina: Aye co o. I'm sorry. [Alice, Shane and Marina laugh. Dana huffs and walks off.] Alice: Dana, c'mon. We weren't laughing. [Alice gets up and goes after Dana.] Alice: Oh, god. Dana, talk to me, I wanna help! Dana: Just... I can't believe my life right now, you know? I f*cked up so bad with Lara and you guys are all laughing at me. [Dana stops by the bathroom door and turns around to Alice.] Dana: I just, I can't handle it! Alice: Allright, allright, okay. I'm sorry. I feel like an asshole. [Dana leans against the wall and frowns.] Alice: I have an idea. Ready? Listen to me. I'm gonna come with you. Dana: I can't do it. Alice: No, I'm coming. I'm gonna be with you, and you're gonna tell your mom and dad before your mother gets the award. Okay? Just plain. "Mom, dad, I'm a lesbian." (shrugs) No big deal. Just like that. 'Cause there's no way your parents are gonna make a scene in front of all those people. [The bathroom door opens and a girl comes out.] Alice: (to Dana) I can look Republican. INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY [Tina is laying on the bed, eating. She's got the laptop and is researching Yolanda on the internet. Bette is in the bathroom, getting ready.] Bette: (brushing hair) Who the hell does she think she is? I mean, I'm a total stranger to her. She knows nothing about my race politics, nothing about my self-identification, nothing. [Closeup of the laptop's screen. It's a webpage that reads "Yolanda Watkins" at the top and has some pictures of book covers and some notes below.] Tina: She's a writer. Yolanda Watkins. I Googled her. [Bette pokes her head out of the bathroom.] Tina: Teaches at UCLA. She's published 3 volumes of poetry and 2 books of non-fiction. Including, uh-huh, "Sistah, Stand Up". We're gonna have some fun with her. Bette: We? You're not the one she jumped all over. Tina: I was just as upset about it as you are, baby. Bette: (grabbing coat) I don't think so, Tina. It was my whole life she was attacking. My life. [Bette leaves.] INT. - TIM'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY [Annette is at the sink, getting cleaned up. Jenny sits on the floor against the wall nearby.] Annette: So... Jen... were you always a lesbian? Jenny: I never said I was a lesbian. Annette: So it just... came outta nowhere and bit ya on the ass? Just like that? Because I mean, y'know... (turns to Jenny) I love women. Yeah, for companionship, I figure I could do without the company of men entirely. Except, dude... (shakes head) can't get down with the puss. I love a dick. Jenny: I think I'm bisexual. Annette: Oh, brother. Jenny: I do. I really do. Annette: Jenny. Is this just your way of telling me that you had a huge crush on me in college? Jenny: Annette. [Annette looks down at Jenny.] Jenny: No. Annette: You're lying. [Jenny laughs. Annette goes back to the mirror.] Annette: You're madly in love with me. Well, I've got to get a look at this Marina. See if she's worth it. Jenny: No... Annette: Yeah! Jenny: Oh, no... Annette: (turns to Jenny) Yeah, man, we gotta stalk her! We'll just stalk her a little bit, just so I can see! Jenny: No, no, no stalking. Annette: Why? Jenny: Because, um... her girlfriend's back in town. Annette: Her girlfriend? Jenny: I know. Annette: Does this just keep getting better? Jenny: She told me that she had a girlfriend after Tim left me. [Annette looks down. Her shoulders fall.] Jenny: But, you know what? I would have done everything in the exact same way I did it now. I would've. Annette: Okay, is there any more to this story? Jenny: (waving hands) No! Annette: Fine. This is what I think. (turns back to mirror) I gotta see this woman. And you gotta stake out the competition. Jenny: Oh, no... Annette: I'm serious. Listen, you're not gonna take this sitting down. If you're really in love... Jenny: I don't know if I'm in love. Annette: Whatever. You gotta go out guns blazing. You know what I mean? You gotta stand up and fight for the... the... Jenny: What? Annette: Whatever with the... what's the girlfriend's name? Jenny: Francesca Wolff. Annette: Oh, barf. (turns back to mirror) Jenny: I know, right? Annette: Well, fine. Francesca's going down. INTERSTITIAL - SCENES OF L.A. [Traffic on a busy commercial street, retailers and restaurants.] INT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Kit is talking to a man named Duane Washington and reading a piece of paper.] Duane: We're gonna be shooting the video in about 3 weeks. So, our people will be in touch with you to work on the details. Kit: Oh, that's sweet! Y'know, hey, I'm down with it! [Bette approaches.] Bette: Hey. Kit: Hey, baby girl! (to Duane) Uh, Duane, I want you to meet my little sister, Bette. (to Bette) Bette, this is Duane Washington, of Ben's Box Records. [Bette and Duane shake hands.] Duane: Hi. Bette: (smiling) Hi. Nice to meet you. [Bette spots the paper lying on the counter.] Bette: And what's this? Duane: I work with Slim Daddy. He's gonna sample "Its the Real Thing" on his next album. [Kit squeaks with excitement.] Bette: (to Kit) Whoa, fantastic! (to Duane) (smiling) Do you mind if I take a look? [Duane nods for her to go ahead. Bette picks up the paper and starts to read.] Kit: Hey, who would have thought that a song that I wrote in 1986 would be sampled by Slim Daddy in 2004! [Bette chuckles as she reads.] Bette: (to Duane) And a thousand dollars is all you're offering my sister for unlimited use of her song? Duane: Standard contract for a sample. [Bette looks at Kit.] Kit: Hey, I'm down with the deal! Bette: (to Duane) Well, are you gonna give her a percentage of the song's revenues? (to Kit) I think we should have a lawyer look at this, and then we can get it back to Duane in a couple of days. Kit: Uh... [Duane snatches the contract from Bette.] Duane: This is pretty much a non-negotiable offer. [Kit takes the contract from Duane and signs it.] Kit: (chuckling) Here ya go. [Duane takes the contract and puts it in his briefcase.] Kit: Hey, let me know when you're gonna be doing that video, okay? Okay. [Duane walks off.] Duane: (to Bette) Nice to meet you. Bette: Nice to meet you... Kit: (to Bette) You almost f*cked that up for me! Bette: f*cked that up for you? I was trying to help you! You said yourself you don't always make the best decisions. Kit: (huffs) Well, in this case, thanks, but no thanks! [Bette starts to walk off, then stops.] Bette: Y'know, I talked to David yesterday. Kit: (sighs) And what did he want? Bette: He said he came to meet you. He walked in, saw you sitting at the bar, having a drink, and he left. Kit: What? You were there, you know I wasn't drinking! Bette: I must've been in the bathroom when he came in. Kit: (flustered) You know I wasn't drinking. [Bette doesn't answer.] Kit: Oh, nice. You always gotta take me down a notch. You know, why can't you just say, y'know, "Well done, Kit, Slim Daddy wants to sample one of your songs and you've gone through a terrible situation the other night. Without a drink." You can't even give me that, can you? ELSEWHERE AT THE PLANET - [Clive ducks over to a vacant table and goes through someone's bag that's sitting on the ground. He looks around nervously, then pulls cash out of a billfold. He quickly stuffs the billfold back in the bag. Shane walks up.] Shane: Hello. Clive: Hey... (standing) I was... just looking for a cigarette. Guess I should've asked, huh? Shane: Yeah. [Clive sits at the table.] Shane: Hey, Clive, have you noticed all those banners that are around the house that say smoking kills women, and if I'm right I think there's one over the toilet, no? Clive: Yeah. (sips drink) Shane: They don't smoke. Clive: (to self) Duh. [Clive gets up and leaves. Shane watches him.] INTERSTITIAL - SCENES OF L.A. [Traffic on a busy street in a financial district.] INT. - THE C.A.C. - DAY [Bette is putting on her jacket to leave. James jogs after her.] James: Bette! Uh, there's a call on Line 1. I think you might want to take it. Bette: Ugh, can you take a message? I'm late for lunch. James: Uh, I - I think you should take it. Bette: (sighs) God. [Bette walks back to the reception desk and picks up the phone.] Bette: (phone) This is Bette Porter. Man: (phone) Are you the person in charge of the museum? Bette: (phone) I am. Man: (phone) Do you believe in Jesus Christ, ma'am? (a beat) Because God will punish you for putting up that blasphemous filth in your museum. You, and all those involved, are gonna burn in hell. You hear me? You're all gonna burn in hell. [The man hangs up. A dial tone is heard. Bette puts the phone down.] Receptionist: (to Bette) That's the fifth call today. We thought you should know. [Bette sighs and begins to leave.] Bette: Just, uh... keep a record of the calls. Okay? [Bette walks to the door, and stops. She looks back at James and the receptionist, then pushes the door open and walks out.] EXT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Jenny gets out of her car, which is parked on the curb. When she opens the driver's door, a man on a bicycle crashes into it. He falls to the ground.] Jenny: (screams) Oh, my god! (getting out of car) Oh, my god, I killed him! Bicyclist: (angry) f*cking bitch! Are you f*cking blind? [Annette gets out of the car and comes over. The bicyclist starts to get up.] Jenny: (to bicyclist) I am so sorry. [Annette and Jenny get closer to him.] Bicyclist: (yelling) Get away from me! [Jenny and Annette jump back.] Jenny: Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! [Jenny looks horrified.] Annette: (to bicyclist) There is no need to be so aggressive. Okay? Bicyclist: (yelling) f*ck you! Annette: (to Jenny) It was a mistake, it was a mistake. Bicyclist: Hey, f*ck you, you cow! Annette: (mad) "f*ck you?" Bicyclist: f*cking f*ck you! Annette: You are a f*ckin' nutcase! Bicyclist: You're a f*ckin' menace! [Francesca suddenly approaches.] Francesca: Can I help? This doesn't seem to be going anywhere. (to bicyclist) Are you okay? Bicyclist: (rubbing arm) Yeah. Francesca: (kneeling) Are you injured, should we get you to a hospital? Bicyclist: No, I'm fine, but thank you for asking. (to Jenny/Annette) (angry) It's about time someone did! Annette: Yeah, you didn't give us a chance, ya freak. [The bicyclist jumps to his feet. Francesca jumps in front of him, between him and Annette.] Francesca: Hey! Well, you're obviously in one piece. You sure know how to fall. I mean, you must be in amazing shape. Bicyclist: (picking up bike) Uh, thanks. Francesca: You sure you can ride? Bicyclist: Yeah, I can. Not sure they can. (to Jenny) Learn to drive. [He rides off on his bicycle.] Annette: Thank you for that. There's no talking to people like that. Francesca: Appeal to their vanity. Works every time. Be careful. [Francesca walks off.] [Jenny just stands there, staring into space in shock. Annette snaps her fingers in front of her face.] EXT. - THE L.A. FREEWAY - DAY [The L.A. freeway, packed with traffic.] Dana: (offscreen) Okay. Alice: (offscreen) Okay. Dana: (offscreen) Okay. Alice: (offscreen) Allright. EXT. - HOTEL - EVENING [Cars are pulling up for the valet parking.] Alice: (offscreen) Let's review the strategy one more time. Dana: (offscreen) Allright. Alice: (offscreen) We exchange pleasantries. Dana: (offscreen) Mom tells me how thin I look. INT. - HOTEL - DANA'S CAR (A SUBARU) - EVENING [Dana pulls her car up. Dana and Alice are both dressed very conservatively, especially Alice, who's in a pink sweater and pearls, with her hair done up.] Alice: Your father asks how your career is going? [Alice puts on lipstick in the rearview mirror.] Dana: Right. Alice: Right? You tell them. Dana: Right. Just - Alice: Just blurt it out. Dana: Before lunch. Before mom gets the award. Alice: (nods) Right. And she'll keep it together. She's not going on that stage with her mascara running. Let's do it. Let's go. Dana: Okay. Okay. [Alice gets. Dana sits for a moment longer and takes a deep breath.] [SCENE_BREAK] INT. - HOTEL - DAY [Piano music plays. People are congregating. A couple of posters show pictures of Dana's mom. They read, "Sharon Fairbanks, Woman of the Year."] [Sharon is talking to someone when she sees Dana and Alice approach.] Sharon: Oh, would you look at these beautiful ladies who've come all the way who've come all the way from Beverly Hills to be in my luncheon! [Sharon hugs Dana.] Dana: I don't live in Beverly Hills, mom. Sharon: Oh, you're so thin. Alice, you look wonderful as always! [Sharon hugs Alice.] Alice: Congrats, Sharon. You must be great Republicans! [Dana sees her father standing nearby.] Dana: Hi, dad! Sharon: You've missed the reception. We'll just have to go ahead and sit down to lunch. [Sharon pulls Howie, Dana's little brother, by his lapels.] Sharon: Howie, have you said hello to your sister? Howie: Hey. Dana: Hey, Howe! [They all go into the luncheon. Before Alice and Dana enter, Howie suddenly turns around and waves a copy of Dana's Subaru ad around. Dana gasps.] Howie: Ooooh! Dana: (grabbing ad) Oh, sh1t! (to Alice) sh1t, sh1t, sh1t, sh1t! Alice: It's okay. Go. [Alice takes the ad from her. They go in.] INTERSTITIAL - SCENES OF L.A. [Traffic on a busy street, with shops, apartments, houses in the hills.] EXT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Annette and Jenny are sitting at a table outside. Annette is peeking at Marina through the window. Jenny tries not to look.] Annette: See, all I can see right now is her butt. Which is nice for a girl, but you know, I'm not an expert in women's asses. C'mon. Turn around. [Marina turns around. She's on the phone.] Jenny: Please... Annette: (re: Marina) Wow. Wow. Jenny: Can we go now? Annette: No, no, keep your panties on, seriously. I'm trying to wrap my head around... I just, I wanna ask you something. Jenny: What? Annette: (looking at Marina) You had s*x with that woman? Jenny: Please? Annette: You slept with that woman? Jenny: Please? Annette: Did you go down on her? And everything? Jenny: Please. Annette: No, this is important. Do girls still look pretty when they're getting eaten out? Jenny: Okay... Annette: Because guys are just so dorky when you're giving them blowjobs. [Francesca walks by, into the cafe.] Francesca: (smiling) Hello again. Annette/Jenny: Hi. [Annette starts to giggle.] Jenny: (whispering) Okay. We have to go now. [In the cafe, Francesca walks up to Marina. Marina smiles. They put their arms around each other.] Jenny: Annette, it's not funny. Oh, please... Annette: (watching Francesca/Marina) Jenny - Jenny. Jenny: What? [Jenny looks through the window and sees Francesca and Marina. The two women are embracing, talking, being affectionate.] Jenny: Oh, my god. It's Francesca. [Jenny sits stunned. Marina glances to the window and sees her.] INT. - HOTEL - LUNCHEON - DAY [A roomful of people sit at tables. Wait staff are gathering up the leftovers from the luncheon. Alice drinks from her wine glass, then Howie takes it from her.] Woman: Mm, Dana? You must be so proud of your mother. Do you know that she raised more money last year for our candidates than anybody else in the club? [Sharon blushes.] Dana: Oh, no, I am very... proud. Yeah. [A couple of women come up to Sharon to congratulate her. Dana glances at her brother. He waggles his tongue at her between his two fingers. She knits her brow at him, grossed out.] Women: We just wanted to say congratulations, Sharon. Sharon: Oh, thank you so much. [Later...] [Alice and the Fairbanks family line up at the buffet table. Alice nods at Dana to do it now.] Howie: Aw, dad. (chuckles) Irwin: Ooh, I'll just take these drinks. Howie: Oh, sorry about that. (chuckles) Dana: Mom, dad. Irwin: Mm-hmm. Sharon: Mm-hmm? Dana: Uh, Howe. There's something I wanted to talk to you guys about. (sighs) Um... Howie: Uh, Dana? Do you have a boyfriend, by any chance? [Dana frowns and rolls her eyes.] Sharon: Howie! Don't be a pain. I'm sure if Dana had a boyfriend, he'd be right here with us. (to Dana) No. She was like I was when I was young. When you're good at something, men are intimidated. You've gotta wait for the right one to come along. [Irwin and Sharon smile and chuckle. Alice grabs a piece of cake and starts to dig in.] Sharon: (to Dana) What was it you were saying, dear? [A woman, Marianne, approaches Dana at the buffet table. She holds out a copy of the Subaru ad, in the middle of the latest Advocate.] Marianne: Excuse me? Uh, I want an autograph. I'm sorry to interrupt. This seemed like my best chance. [Dana looks at Alice, worried. She quickly takes the magazine.] Marianne: Well, you must be so proud. (to Dana) Hi. Dana: Hi, how are you. [Dana hurriedly signs the ad.] Sharon: Oh, Dana, you know Marianne. [Sharon sees the ad and stops mid-word.] Sharon: (looking at ad) God... Howie: Dana. Marianne: It's my son. Dana: To your son. Marianne: My son Bruce, he gave me this magazine. And he knew that your mother was friends with me. Dana: Oh. [Dana quickly signs then closes the magazine and hands it back to Marianne.] Marianne: Oh. We've come such a long way, haven't we? Howie: Oh, sh1t. Sharon: Howie! Dana! Dana: What? Sharon: Sweetie... (chuckling) what was that? [Sharon looks from Dana, to Alice. Alice takes a bite of cake.] Dana: Mm... [Dana looks nervously at Alice, then at Howie.] Dana: (to Sharon) My Subaru ad. [Everyone's quiet for a moment.] Irwin: Every time something wonderful happens to you, you downplay it. Now, that ad was very impressive. Sharon: Honey! Honey, when were you going to tell us? [Dana's jaw drops.] Sharon: I mean, a few more surprises like that and I could keel over from a heart attack! (laughing) Dana: Hu - I - I've - Alice: It's your day! It's your day. Y'know? She didn't wanna steal the thunder! She didn't wanna take it away! [Dana smiles, a load of worry off her shoulders. Everyone smiles at her.] Irwin: Oh, always thinking of other people. That's my girl. Sharon: Ohh... Howie: Hm, yeah! Dana: (nodding) Yeah! Howie: Heyyy! Sharon: I just can't wait to tell your aunt Sasha and the boys. I'm sure she hasn't seen it yet, otherwise she'd be screaming. [Everyone laughs, Dana especially.] Dana: I'm sure she would be! Sharon: Oh, what did it say again, dear? It said, uh... what was... oh, "Get out and stay out!" (laughs) Dana: (nervous) Yeah... Sharon: I'm not really sure what that means. Dana: Uh... [Dana tosses a peach in the air, nervously. Dana looks at Alice, then back at her mother.] Dana: ... it means, uh... It's a marketing campaign for, uh, women. Who are like me. Who, uh... who are... out. Doorsy. Outside a lot. [Howie rolls his eyes.] Dana: Who - playing tennis! You know? Sharon: (laughs) Oh! Dana: Things like that, you know. Um... you know what, I'm just - I'm not hungry all of a sudden. Uh, can you just give me a minute? Just a minute. I'm just gonna - [Dana glances at Alice. Alice nods.] Sharon: Sure. Dana: I'll be - I'll be back. Okay, just... (laughs) [Alice leads Dana into the bathroom.] INT. - HOTEL - BATHROOM - DAY [Alice and Dana are in two stalls.] Alice: Okay, I'm pretty sure they have no idea what it means. Dana: Ya think? Alice: Or they totally get it, and just went into some black hole of denial. Turned into robots or something. [They leave the stalls and go to the sinks.] Dana: You don't understand how within the realm of possibility that is. Alice: Look, maybe they get it, maybe they don't. I don't know. But right now, they're really proud of you, and I'm thinking this is the moment. Do you wanna practice? Dana: Okay. Alice: Okay. Um... [Alice holds up her hands, as if they're puppets.] Alice: This'll be Sharon, and this'll be Irwin. Dana: Okay. Alice: Go ahead. [Dana stares at Alice's hands.] Dana: That's retarded. Alice: Would you just play? (raises pitch of voice, moves hand) "I'm not really sure what that means, honey - Get out and stay out." [Dana raises her eyebrows at Alice. Alice waits for Dana's reply to her hand puppet. Dana turns and walks out of the bathroom. Alice turns one of her hand puppets to herself.] Alice: What are you lookin' at? INT. - HOTEL - LUNCHEON - DAY [Applause. A woman is on a small stage, at a small podium. Behind her, on the wall, is a blue banner proclaiming "Woman of the Year".] Woman: (microphone) Thank... you. [The mic feeds back a little.] Woman: Ladies and gentlemen. Would you please join me in welcoming to the stage, our own woman of the year, Sharon Fairbanks. [Applause. Sharon goes up to the stage. Dana comes back to the table. Irwin takes his daughter's hand and kisses it.] Irwin: What a day to be proud of my girls. Sharon: (microphone) Thank you so much. I feel... so honored to be standing here in front of you and my family. [The camera pans around at some blown-up photos of Sharon with Irwin, Dana and Howie, and Sharon as a young woman... with her horse, in her riding gear, holding a trophy. She's THE Sharon, from the opening scenes.] Sharon: (microphone) I can't tell you what a - a precious moment this is. For the last 8 years... EXT. - HOTEL - DAY [Alice and Dana step outside on the veranda.] Alice: You're making yourself crazy. Maybe we should abort. Who's smoking? Somebody's smoking. [Alice turns around. Howie approaches them. He has a lit joint.] Howie: What up, lesbos? Alice: Thank god. [Alice takes a toke off the joint. Howie puts his arm around their shoulders.] Dana: sh1t, Howie, what're you doing? Howie: What? Alice: (passing joint) Here. Dana: No. No, no, no. Alice: It might help you relax a little bit, you know? [Alice exhales. Howie takes a toke off the joint.] Howie: (to Dana) Oh. D-Dog. I... gotta tell ya. When mom and dad disown you and all... I'll... still come and visit. Dana: (smiling) Thanks, bro. Howie: (re: joint) Here. Dana: (takes joint) Okay. Howie: Yeah, go for it. EXT. - NEAR THE PLANET - DAY [Annette and Jenny are parked in Jenny's car, down the street. Annette is turned around in the passenger seat with a pair of binoculars, spying on Francesca and Marina, who are about to get into Marina's car. Francesca stops to give Marina something.] Annette: (looking through binocs) Wait a minute. (gasps) Oh... oh, she bought her a watch. Oh, it's a Mont Blanc. (to Jenny) Those are very expensive. Do you want to see? Jenny: Annette? Annette, we're officially stalking someone, which makes us kind of crazy and insane. [Jenny takes a few drinks from her flask.] Annette: (looking through binocs) You know what? I think you can take her down. [Jenny turns around and holds her arm out.] Jenny: Look at her. She's f*cking beautiful, man. [Francesca helps Marina into the passenger seat of her convertible.] Jenny: She drives vintage Mercedes. She's like Belmondo, in, like, this Godard film. You know? I live out of a garbage bag. I live in a tool shed. Annette: Okay, here's what I see. Okay. Jenny: What do you see? Annette: Francesca is buying Marina's affections. Jenny: Mm-hmm. Annette: You're way younger. Jenny: Yes. Annette: You're way hotter. Jenny: Yes. Annette: And why do you think she came looking for you in the first place? Jenny: Why? Annette: Because it's over between them. Jenny: Look at 'em, man. Look at 'em, there's love in their eyes. They have that chchdrmboom - Annette: Twat! Jenny: No more twat. No more twat for me. Twat gets me into trouble. Annette: Twat the Night. You idiot. We go, together. You and me. We look all hot, right? We get ya all dolled up, like the Jenny that I used to know, Marina sees us, maybe she gets a little bit jealous, starts a comparison chart... Jenny: Maybe a bad idea? Maybe a little bit - Annette: Worst case scenario: She thinks you have a hot, new girlfriend, and you and me get loaded. But if everything goes according to plan, ol' Fran will be getting her walking papers by the end of the night. INT. - HOTEL - DAY [Howie and Alice walk back in, high as kites, chuckling. They look around, but don't see Dana.] Alice: Allright, I was at this, um... [Alice and Howie spot Dana sitting in restaurant with her parents, look stunned and upset. Dana is talking, but we can't make out what she's saying, just that her tone of voice sounds worried and desperate.] Alice: (to Howie) Oh, f*ck... oh, my god. Wow... [Sharon gets up abruptly and walks off. Dana reaches for her.] Dana: (crying) No, mom... mom, you didn't do anything. Mom... mom... [Sharon steps out of the restaurant and steadies herself on the wall. She glances around, then walks out. Dana quickly turns to her father, who's getting up to leave.] Dana: Dad... it's not what... just let me explain. [Irwin ignores Dana and walks quickly out of the restaurant. Dana runs after him, crying.] Dana: (crying) Please let me explain. Irwin: (walking away) I think you've said enough already. [Irwin stops when he sees Alice.] Irwin: (to Alice) I take it you are part of this lifestyle, too? Alice: Me? No. No, I have a boyfriend. [Howie frowns at Alice and Dana looks disgusted at her. Alice shrugs, as if she didn't know what else to do. Dana heads out to catch her parents, but glares at Alice as she passes her.] Dana: A boyfriend? Thanks. EXT. - HOTEL - DAY [The valet brings the Fairbanks' car around. Irwin, Sharon and Howie get in. Dana runs to the car.] Dana: Mom, dad, wait. Wait! [Dana slaps the hood as she rushes to the passenger window to plead with her mother.] Dana: Wait. Wait, wait. Mom. [Dana knocks on the window.] Dana: I'm sorry. [Sharon rolls the window down halfway.] Dana: I didn't do this to hurt you. [Dana is crying. Her mother looks up at her.] Sharon: We all have feelings for our girlfriends, Dana. It doesn't mean you have to act on them. [Sharon rolls up the window. The car drives off. Dana stands in the driveway, completely crushed, crying. Alice walks out to her.] Alice: (whispering) Hey. You allright? Okay. [Alice puts her arms around Dana and walks her back inside.] INTERSTITIAL - NIGHTTIME SCENES OF L.A. [Traffic on a busy commercial street, people walking around.] EXT. - CITY STREET - NIGHT [Shane pulls down an alleyway in her truck and spots Clive walking down the street with his duffle bag over his shoulder.] Shane: Hey. (honks) Hey! [Clive keeps walking.] Shane: Why are you doing this sh1t, Clive, what's up? [Clive turns around.] Clive: What am I supposed to do? They kicked me out! I mean... I was just looking for a f*cking cigarette! Shane: So, if I was to look in your bag right now, I wouldn't find Marnie's CD player? [Clive angrily throws his bag at the truck. Shane gets out.] Shane: Do not throw this sh1t at me. [Shane slams the door, and picks up the bag. She throws it back just as hard.] Shane: Do not f*cking do that! If it's not there, that means you sold or traded it for drugs. (shoves Clive) Do not blame me! Clive: (angry) f*ck you! You are just like them. (a beat) Oh, Shane, please, you gotta help me. Shane: Oh, f*ck. (walks away) Clive: No, please, please. You gotta - (grabs Shane's arm) Please. Don't let them kick me out, okay? Look, s - say - tell 'em I'm cool, whatever, I just need a couple more days - Shane: (yanks arm away) You are out! I'm done! I can't! I can't. You f*cked it. I can't. (kicks bag) Take that. I cannot do that. [Clive looks at her sadly as if she's just ripped his heart out. Shane puts her hands to her face and paces.] Shane: (sighs)

Jenny tries to explain her situation and her confused sexuality to her one-time college roommate, Annette, who suggests they stalk Marina's girlfriend, Francesca (guest star Lolita Davidovich ), after she arrives in town. Bette and Tina attend group therapy in preparation for becoming parents, while Bette faces off against a black militant writer, Yolanda, who questions Bette's self-image as a mixed-race person. With her Subaru endorsement contract in full swing, Dana, with Alice in tow, decides to come out to her right-wing parents during a formal ball for Mrs. Fairbanks, despite knowing they will not approve. Kit is asked to help write a song for rapper Slim Daddy (guest star Snoop Dogg ). Shane throws Clive out of her place after catching him stealing from her to support his drug habit.

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_03x02

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_03x02_0

Scene: The comic book store. Howard: Sheldon, you're wrong. Wolverine was not born with bone claws. Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it? Howard: Okay, first of all... Raj: Give it up, dude, you're arguing with a crazy person. Sheldon: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested. Leonard: Hey, guys. Howard: What are you doing here? Leonard: What do you mean? It's new comic book night. Raj: Yeah, but since you and Penny finally hooked up, we thought you two would be having bouncy naked yum-yum night. Leonard: There's more to life than s*x, Raj. Howard: Okay, who had Leonard flames out with Penny in less than 24 hours"? Sheldon: I did. Leonard: Nothing flamed out. We don't have to have s*x every night, you know. Howard: You don't have to, but it's highly recommended. Raj: Yeah, take advantage of that window of opportunity before it slams shut on your little dinky. Leonard: It's not a matter of opportunity. We're getting to know each other. There's a learning curve. Howard: What's there to learn? You get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy. Sheldon: Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction. Raj: Okay, who had Leonard gets a floppy disk? Sheldon: Oh, a clever, albeit obsolete, euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male s*x organ. Leonard: Nothing like that happened, all right? The s*x was just fine. Raj: Just fine? Oh, dude, the fourth Harry Potter movie was just fine. Leonard: I'm not saying it was bad, I'm just saying it... wasn't great. Howard: Okay, when you say "it wasn't great, do you mean for both of you? Because we can totally see it not being great for her. Am I right? Raj: Oh, yeah. Leonard: To tell you the truth, I think we were both a little, I don't know... Raj: Disappointed? Let down? Howard: Ashamed? Horrified? Repulsed? Leonard: All I know is, it wasn't the way I dreamed it would be. Howard: s*x is never the way I dream it's gonna be. Raj: That's because in your dreams you're a horse from the waist down. Sheldon: Excuse me, Wolverine: Origin. Miniseries issue two, page 22. Retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about s*x and more time concentrating on comic books, we'd have far fewer of these embarrassing moments. Credits Sequence Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Sheldon, dinner's here. Sheldon: Tandoori Palace? Leonard: No, we went somewhere new. Sheldon: You're good-naturedly ribbing me, aren't you? Leonard: No, look, Mumbai Palace. Sheldon: Why? Why would we change? We had a perfectly good palace. Tandoori Palace is our palace. Leonard: Trust me, this will be just fine. Howard: You are the authority on just fine. Leonard: What's that supposed to mean? Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Yeah, exactly. Not bad, but not great. Penny: What are they talking about? Leonard: I don't know Sheldon: I know. As I'm sure you're aware... Leonard: Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Sheldon: If that's Morse code, that's terrible. As I was saying, you and Leonard had a disappointing sexual encounter. Earlier this evening, Leonard characterized it as just fine. So what you're seeing here is a continuation of the mocking that followed. Penny: Okay, yeah, well, I'm just gonna go eat my dinner elsewhere. Maybe an airplane headed for a mountainside. Leonard: Penny, wait. Aagh! What is wrong with you? Sheldon: I sense I may have crossed some sort of line. Raj: Yeah, you... Howard: Uh, no, no, no, don't tell him, let's see if he can figure it out. Penny: Ugh, I am so embarrassed! Leonard: Please don't be mad. Penny: What did you tell them? Leonard: Nothing bad, just that last night was fine. Penny: Fine? You said it was fine? Leonard: Yeah, it's a perfectly good word. You put it in front of wine or dining, and you've really got something. Okay, well, let me ask you this, how was last night for you? Penny: It was... okay. Leonard: Okay? Penny: Yeah, it's a perfectly good word. I mean, you put it in front of dokay and you really got something. All right, look, let's not overreact, you know? For a lot of couples, it takes time to get to know each other's rhythms. Learn what the other person wants and likes. Leonard: So, you've been through this before? Penny: No. Leonard: Okay-dokay. Penny: You know, I think this is one of those things where talking about it is not going to make it better. Want a glass of wine? Leonard: So much. Penny: Okay. See, we should've done this last night, you know, have a little wine, take the edge off. Leonard: Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates reuptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid. Penny: Don't talk, just drink. Howard: No, you're misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn't an actual goddess and we don't pray to them, we prey on them. Raj: Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard's got one and you don't. Sheldon: Is this it? It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard and Penny's s*x life in front of Leonard and Penny. (Howard indicates that he has got it.) Oh, good! Now I can eat. Raj: What's that? Howard: Sounds like a cricket. Sheldon: Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket. Howard: Oh, give me a frickin' break. How could you possibly know that? Sheldon: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets. Raj: How do you know what the exact temperature of the room is? Sheldon: Under the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I've had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of '06. Howard: Okay, you were right about Wolverine and bone claws, but you're wrong about the cricket. Sheldon: Howard, don't embarrass yourself, the science chirps for itself. Humorous word play. Howard: No, no, not this time. I know insects, my friend, I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in glass jars, sticking pins through them, mounting them on corrugated cardboard with Dymo labels underneath, identifying the genus and species. In Latin. Raj: Oh, dude, you are never getting a shiksa goddess. Sheldon: That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade. Howard: Okay, okay, tell you what. I am willing to bet anything that's an ordinary field cricket. Sheldon: I can't take your money. Howard: What's the matter, you chicken? Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house. Raj: Chickens can't climb trees Sheldon: Thank God. Howard: Okay, I believe a chicken made you his bitch. But the cricket thing, I don't buy. Bet me. Sheldon: Fair enough. What stake do you propose? Howard: I will put up my Fantastic Four number 48, first appearance of Silver Surfer against your Flash 123, the classic Flash of two worlds issue. Sheldon: All right, you have a wager. Howard: Hmm. Raj: Great. Now how are you going to settle it, hmm? There is no way to determine the species of the cricket without examining it. Slight time shift. The guys are searching for the cricket. Raj: I wonder what the non-pathetic people are doing tonight. Scene: Penny's apartment, Penny and Leonard are kissing. They break and look at each other uncomfortably. Leonard: More wine? Penny: Hit me. Scene: The apartment, the guys are still searching for the cricket. They are inside the cupboard. Sheldon: I don't see anything. Howard: Shh! Raj: Hallway. (All try to exit at once and get stuck in doorway.) Sheldon: One at a time. (Same thing happens again. Eventually they leave the apartment. There is a growling noise.) What was that? Raj: My stomach. Indian food doesn't agree with me. Ironic, isn't it? Howard: Shh! Elevator shaft. Sheldon: Help me open it. Howard: Are you crazy? We can't go down an empty elevator shaft. Sheldon: Fine, if you don't want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I'll take possession of your Fantastic Four. Howard: Let's open her up. Sheldon: Are you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you? Howard: Don't push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was 13, and I remember a good deal of it. Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies or the classic why are you hitting yourself? Raj: Ooh, big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken. Scene: Penny's apartment. Leonard: What are we drinking now? Penny: Peppermint schnapps. Leonard: Why would you buy peppermint schnapps? Penny: Because I like peppermint, and it's fun to say schnapps. Hey, Leonard? Leonard: What? Penny: Schnapps. Leonard: Schnapps. You're right, that is fun. Scene: The elevator shaft. Sheldon is inside. Raj: Be careful. Sheldon: If I were not being careful, your telling me to be careful would not make me careful. Raj (hearing the cricket): Stairwell. Sheldon: Uh-oh, flashlight went out. I need some batteries. Fellas? Hello? It's really dark down here. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Penny's bathroom. Leonard is vomiting in the toilet. Penny: Oh, sweetie. You really can't hold your liquor, can you? Leonard: I'm okay. Just a little mouthwash, and then I'm gonna rock your world. (Penny vomits in sink) Are you okay? (Vomits in toilet again) Scene: The university cafeteria. Raj has the cricket in a jar. Raj: Ugh, Toby, what did you do in a past life to be so disgusting now? Sheldon: His name isn't Toby. Toby is an absurd name for a cricket. Raj: What would you name him? Sheldon: An appropriate cricket name. For example, Jiminy. Howard: All right, Sheldon, here we go, Kleingast's Field Guide to North American Insects. Hey, Toby. Right here, see it? The common field cricket, aka Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for suck it, you lose. Sheldon: Hang on. Voil , the snowy tree cricket, aka Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for I'll suck nothing. Of course I'm joking because the Latin for that is nihil exsorbibo. Howard: That is not Toby, this is Toby. Raj, what do you think? Raj: Oh, I really don't care anymore Leonard: God, I had the most horrible night. Raj: What happened? Sheldon: Obviously another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess. Howard: Shiksa. Shik-sa. Sheldon: Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn't spoken for long. Howard: Yeah, fine, whatever. The point is, you're wrong again. Sheldon: We haven't established that I'm wrong once. Howard: All right. Tell you what, let's go down to the Entomology Department and let Professor Crawley tell us what kind of cricket Toby is. Sheldon: He's a snowy tree cricket, and his name is Jiminy. (They leave) Leonard: I bet I could throw a rock in this room and come up with three better friends. Scene: The Entomology Department. Raj: Holy crap. It's like Silence of the Lambs down here. (Howard tickles the back of his neck. He screams) Don't do that! Howard: You're such a girl. They're just bugs. Raj: Yeah, well, I don't like bugs, okay? They freak me out. Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You're welcome Prof Crawley (arriving): Don't knock. Just walk in. Why be polite to the world's leading expert on the dung beetle? Sheldon: Excuse me, are you Professor Crawley? Prof Crawley: Who wants to know? Sheldon: I'm Dr. Cooper from the Physics Department. Prof Crawley: Couldn't wait, huh? Sheldon: I'm sorry? Prof Crawley: I haven't even packed yet, and you're already measuring my lab for one of your godless laser machines. Howard: No, you don't understand. We just want to ask you a question. Prof Crawley: Let me ask you one first. What's a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh? Raj: Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable? Prof Crawley: What's your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore? Raj: I'm from New Delhi. Maybe you should find another entomologist. Sheldon: No, no. We're here, let's settle this. Professor, can you identify our cricket? Prof Crawley: Of course I can. I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet. Not that that's going to keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard. And we're not talking Oxnard at the beach. No! We're talking Oxnard in the onion fields. Howard: Well, could you look at Toby? Prof Crawley: Toby? What a stupid name for a cricket. Sheldon: Told you. Prof Crawley: It's a field cricket. Howard: Yes! Sheldon: No, no, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure? Prof Crawley: Young man, I've been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? Creepy Crawley. Sheldon: Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential. Prof Crawley: Let me show you something. See that? That's a Crawley's dung beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through a Bornean rain forest, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans! So, when I tell you that that's a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank! Cause God knows I can't. That tramp took me for everything! Sheldon: Well, apparently, I was wrong. Congratulations. Raj: Enjoy Oxnard. I'm sure your daughter's looking forward to having you. Scene: The lobby. Penny: Oh, hey, Sheldon. What you got there? A new comic book? Sheldon: Old comic book. I just retrieved it from my safe deposit box. Penny: What do you have a safe deposit box for? Sheldon: Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager. Penny: What, do they have Wii cricket now? That can't be very popular. Sheldon: Penny, I'd rather not talk about it. Penny: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not feeling so hot either. Sheldon: Why would that make me feel better? Penny: I don't know, empathy? Anyway, I'm just saying that you're feeling upset about something with Howard, and I'm upset about something with Leonard. Sheldon: Yes, yes, the disappointing s*x. That's an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley's chicken. Penny: What's Mrs. Riley's chicken? Sheldon: A chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley. Penny: Okay, forget the chicken. Sheldon: Well, I wish I could. Penny: No, no. You may be right about me and Leonard. Sheldon: Of course I'm right What are the odds I'd be wrong twice in one week? Penny: No, I mean, we can always go back to being friends. Sheldon: I just said that. This conversation has started to circle. Meeting adjourned. Scene: The apartment Sheldon: Hello. Leonard: Hey. What's going on? Sheldon: Oh, you'd like to catch up on the events of the day. All right. Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe deposit box, I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems, and, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance, pride wenteth before my fall, causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz. Leonard: Wait a minute. You talked to Penny about our s*x life? Sheldon: Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz. Leonard: Right, right. You're saying you talked to Penny? Sheldon: Yes. Leonard: Interesting. Sheldon: Hardly. Leonard: Excuse me. Sheldon: Have I crossed some sort of line again? Leonard: Little bit. (Exits) Sheldon: Hmm. Oh, who cares? Scene: Penny's doorway. Penny: Oh, hey. Leonard: Hey. Uh, what did Sheldon say to you? Penny: Not a lot. Just that we always have the option of going back to being friends. Leonard: Is that what you want? Penny: I don't know. I mean, you have to admit things seemed simpler when we were just friends. Leonard: I guess. Penny: It would take the pressure off. Leonard: It would, wouldn't it? Penny: So, we'll just be friends. Leonard: Good, good. Penny: Come here. (She gives him a hug. It turns into a big kiss.) Leonard (closing door): Okay-dokay

Leonard and Penny vacillate between friendship and a romantic relationship, struggling to resolve the awkwardness. In an attempt to feel comfortable and talk about a solution, they end up getting drunk in her apartment and throwing up all night. Sheldon and Howard stake their most valuable comic books on a bet over the species of a cricket they hear, enlisting a depressed entomologist to settle the bet. After Sheldon loses the bet, he meets Penny and after talking to her about Leonard, assures her that she and Leonard can always go back to being friends. After she explains this to Leonard, the two agree to do so, but they find that neither wants to and have sex again.

fd_Bones_02x01

fd_Bones_02x01_0

"Titan on the Tracks" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (BOOTH and BRENNAN are driving at night in the rain, with sirens and flashing lights on.) BOOTH: What'd you do? BRENNAN: I read, walked on the beach, chilled. BOOTH: You chilled. In Darfur. You chilled in Darfur. BRENNAN: In North Carolina. I changed my vacation plans to spend time with my brother. Russ and I talked about it and we really want to find Dad. BOOTH: No, okay, well just so you know, the FBI is going to find your father, no matter what you want. BRENNAN: My brother and I don't want the FBI to backburner it's search. BOOTH makes a sharp left turn, and the tires squeal on the wet pavement. BRENNAN: Is it okay to go over on two wheels like that? BOOTH: Only when making sharp turns at high speeds. Okay, Bones, why don't you have a little, uh, you know, faith in me, okay? I'm not gonna backburner the case all right? I'm gonna...find your father. BRENNAN: My brother said you'd say that. BOOTH: You really keep saying 'my brother' a lot. BRENNAN: Well, I lost Russ for fifteen years. I like the sound of it. ...my brother. (she makes a face) What's with the siren? And why are you driving like a maniac? (Cut to: A car engulfed by flames, panning out to show BOOTH and BRENNAN arriving at the scene. We see several people milling about, as well as a fire truck in the background; firefighters are working to put out the car fire as well as a smoking overturned train car. A man with a bloody face is being treated by a paramedic.) BOOTH: Got passenger cars on the tracks, one on the side...there's gonna be fatalities. (DR. CAMILLE SAROYAN emerges on screen, holding a severed arm.) CAM: Stan! I need some gauze. Danny? You don't find the owner of this in the next ten minutes, he'll bleed to death. Starting...(sets timer on the watch around the wrist of the severed limb)...now. (CAM looks up, and spots BRENNAN and BOOTH.) CAM: Seeley. BOOTH: Camille. CAM: Don't call me Camille. BOOTH: Don't call me Seeley. Dr. Brennan, Dr. Saroyan. You two know each other, huh? BRENNAN: No. CAM: No. BOOTH: Uh-oh. CAM: Dr. Brennan, I'd like you to check out the automobile this train hit. It's probably what caused the derailment. BOOTH: Accidental? CAM: NTSB guy says the train struck the car at least 200 yards from the nearest access. BOOTH: Deliberate. CAM: (over her shoulder) Eight minutes, Steve! (to BOOTH) Probably suicide. (to BRENNAN) Why are you still here, Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: Because I'm not a coroner, and I don't work for you? CAM: You got that half right. BRENNAN looks at BOOTH questioningly. STEVE: Got him, Cam! Still breathin'! CAM: Thanks, Steve! All right. (tucks the severed arm beside the man who is being carried away on an emergency gurney) Every survivor is one less person for me to autopsy. (to BOOTH) You look good out of your suit, Seeley. But then, you always did. CAM walks off, and BOOTH turns to watch her go. BOOTH: Yeah, that's...great to have you back in D.C., Camille. BRENNAN: One minute she's holding a severed arm, the next, she's hitting on you. BRENNAN moves towards the burnt out car, and BOOTH follows. BOOTH: No, she wasn't hitting on me, and you know what, she is your boss, Bones. BRENNAN: What? Goodman's my boss. (to FIREFIGHTER) May I approach? FIREFIGHTER: All yours, Dr. Brandon. BRENNAN: Brennan. Dr. Brennan. FIREFIGHTER: You wanna guess my name? BRENNAN: (leaning into the car from the front passenger side with a flashlight) No, but there are thousands of you in D.C. and only one of me. BOOTH: You know, while you were away, Goodman decided that there should be a head of forensics at the Jeffersonian. Never occurred to you to check in, huh? The flashlight illuminates a charred, skeletal hand, with a silver band around the wrist. BRENNAN: Why didn't Goodman hire me? BOOTH: Oh, my guess? People skills. BRENNAN: I have people skills. BOOTH: Oh, all right. That firefighter's name is Nelson, and it's at least the fourth time that you've met him. Odds are, Cam knows his kids' names after meeting him once. We see a blackened leg still wearing a black shoe. BRENNAN: A lot of jewellery. Male. Thigh bones suggests he was tall. I.D. bracelet. It's good quality gold, slightly melted. Scene flashes to a pair of hands on fire; we see the I.D. bracelet melting slightly in the heat. BRENNAN: Too melted for a regular car fire. Do you see a skull? BOOTH: Hey Bones, I'm not looking for a skull. BRENNAN: Burn damage to the body is more intense than I'd expect from a car fire. Even if the fuel tank ruptured and was absolutely full at the time of impact. We see what appears to be a thigh and knee, blackened and covered with what remains of the victim's flesh. BOOTH: Do you see anything on this car that isn't ruptured? CAM: Booth! Three deaths in the first class car. BOOTH: Oh, homicide! That makes it my case. CAM: One of them's a senator. BRENNAN: That makes a difference? BOOTH: Facts of life, Bones. BOOTH hurries off, leaving BRENNAN with the car. (Cut to - Jeffersonian - Medico-Legal Lab - Platform - BRENNAN swipes her security pass to enter the central platform.) ANGELA: Apparently Cam is autopsying a senator. (ANGELA and HODGINS watch BOOTH and CAM's friendly conversation nearby.) HODGINS: A senator? Oh, we're moving up in the world. ANGELA: They have a past. HODGINS: Cam and the senator? ANGELA: Cam and Booth. Look how she touches his arm when he laughs. HODGINS: You touch my arm when I laugh. ANGELA: No, no. You touch me. It's a big difference. HODGINS is left speechless as the mechanical beep of the security system heralds BOOTH's arrival. BOOTH: Okay, what have we got? ZACK: Male. Forties. Approximately 6 foot 7, right-handed. BOOTH: 6 foot 7? (he turns the monitor towards him, but is thwarted by BRENNAN, who turns it back to it's original position.) BRENNAN: Athlete in his youth, worn shoulders from repetitive motion. BOOTH: Baseball pitcher, maybe. BRENNAN: More like a...(makes a pushing upward motion with her right arm) (In UNISON) BOOTH: Basketball. ZACK: Basketball. ANGELA: At 6 foot 7, it makes sense. ZACK: Every bone in his body is broken. HODGINS: Dude, he got hit by a train. We see the melted I.D. bracelet on the computer screen, the engraving mostly burned away. HODGINS: W-A-R...it's all I can make out of one name. And then, 'love Brianna'. ...dude. ZACK: You're saying 'dude' way too much. HODGINS: Forties. 6 foot 7. W-A-R...Brianna? This is Warren Lynch. (In UNISON) ZACK: Who's Warren Lynch? BRENNAN: Who's Warren Lynch? BOOTH: No way. ANGELA: Wait, Warren Lynch as in Lynchpin International, Warren Lynch? HODGINS: Yeah. CAM: I am not telling the press that Warren Lynch killed Senator Paula Davis until we're completely certain. BRENNAN: I know Senator Davis. I signed a book for her to give to her daughter. ANGELA: Man, I love Paula Davis. She could have been President. HODGINS: Warren Lynch and Senator Davis, killed in one accident? No way it's a coincidence. CAM: Hey, Hodge-Podge, all engines reverse. First we identify beyond a shadow of a doubt, then we get paranoid. HODGINS: Cool. As long as paranoia's on the schedule somewhere. BRENNAN: It wasn't suicide. ZACK: The jagged edges to the breaks. Small fragments. Lack of circular or radiating fractures or adherent spurs*. CAM: What does that mean? BRENNAN: This man was dead for several hours before the train hit him. Cut to a black and white scene of a man sitting in the driver's seat of a car, head facing the left, eyes open and unblinking. A white light approaches, grows brighter and brighter until the whole screen is white. END TEASER ACT I (Cut to - Jeffersonian - Medico-Legal Lab - Upper Level Lounge Area) CAM: We are tighter than a nun's knees on this one. No press, no conjecture with anyone outside this room. ZACK: Why? CAM: Because, we are going to find the details of Senator Davis's death without giving Oliver Stone or Michael Moore any more ideas. BRENNAN: Are we assuming Senator Davis's death was a coincidence? CAM: You want to kill someone, planting yourself in front of a train probably not the best idea. (HODGINS gives ANGELA an amused look.) But, too early to make any assumptions. I am a diuretic seagull, people. Everything goes through me. Ten AM, here, tomorrow? Zackaroni, your turn to bring the doughnuts. ZACK smiles and nods as everyone stands to leave. BRENNAN: Zackaroni? ZACK: Cam noticed that I eat macaroni and cheese every day for lunch. BRENNAN: Every single day? ZACK: Yup. (Cut to - Jeffersonian - Medico-Legal Lab - BRENNAN's office) HODGINS: You should be okay with Dr. Saroyan getting the Head of Forensics job. BRENNAN: Why is that? HODGINS: Because you are strictly rubber-to-the-road, hardball scientist. Not a flesh pressing, ink stained, policy making...wanktard. BRENNAN: What are her qualifications? CAM: Chief Coroner of New York for two years, Assistant Federal Coroner before that. How am I doing? BRENNAN: Very well. Impressive. BRENNAN's cell phone rings, and she reaches for it as CAM turns her attention to HODGINS. BRENNAN: Brennnan. HODGINS: We were discussing her mother's case. CAM: Fine. BRENNAN: (on her phone) I'll be there in fifteen minutes. BRENNAN exits her office in a hurry. CAM: Yes. Good, Dr. Brennan. We'll chat later. BRENNAN turns around to give a brief wave of acknowledgment. HODGINS: (laughs nervously) It's a...very interesting case. Brennan identified skeletal remains as her mothers. Killed by a blow to the head. Initial suspect was her father, but in the end we arrested a pig farmer hitman in Witness Protection Program, added wrinkle, but- CAM: (interrupts) Dr. Hodgins? You're chattering me to death because you're hoping I'll forget you called me a wanktard. HODGINS: It's a...made up word. No meaning. (Cut to - FBI HQ - Conference Room) LISA SUPEK: My name is Lisa Supek and I am the Assistant U.S. Attorney attached to this case. I'd like to hear first from the National Transportation and Safety Board, Mr. Hobbs? HOBBS: Thank you. At 8:04 this evening, a high-speed commuter train struck a private vehicle from a car derailed, killing three people including Senator Paula Davis. Preliminary indication shows that it was placed there, purposely. LISA SUPEK: Dr. Brennan, was the Jeffersonian able to confirm that the driver of the car was Warren Lynch? BRENNAN: Dental records and physical characteristics establish that, yes. BOOTH: The vehicle is registered to Mr. Lynch, we verified that the jewellery found on the body was his, plus we have this. (picks up a remote and presses a button.) We see a wide screen, pulling up a picture of a man in the driver's seat of a car, taken head on, through the windshield. LISA SUPEK: A photograph from the carpool lane? BOOTH: At 1:56 this afternoon, Mr. Lynch drove illegally in the diamond lane on I270. The good ol' Maryland state police cameras, they caught the infraction. BRENNAN: This is definitely the vehicle found on the tracks. BOOTH: No one saw or heard from Warren Lynch after this photo was taken. (Passes around prints.) LISA SUPEK: You can't honestly expect someone to believe that Warren Lynch committed suicide by driving into a train. DANIEL BURROWS: Daniel Burrows, Securities Exchange Commission. We were about to lay charges against Mr. Lynch that would not only wipe him out financially, but send him to prison for several years. LISA SUPEK: I'd heard rumours, but for a man like Lynch to kill himself... BRENNAN: Mr. Lynch did not commit suicide. BOOTH: Dr. Brennan's examination shows that he was dead for at least six hours before the train struck his car. LISA SUPEK: Dead how? BRENNAN: I don't know that yet. LISA SUPEK: But can we assume that it was foul play? DANIEL BURROWS: When it become public knowledge that Warren Lynch is dead, the stock in Lynchpin International is going to plummet. LISA SUPEK: Well, it sucks for the people who invested in Lynchpin, but otherwise... BOOTH: That's motive for murder. BRENNAN: How is losing money a motive? DANIEL BURROWS: How is losing money a motive? Basically you bet the share price is going to fall, and if it does, you collect. LISA SUPEK: How much we talking? DANIEL BURROWS: Tens, maybe hundreds of millions. (Cut to - FBI - Booth's Office) BRIANNA LYNCH: Yes, these are Warren's things. I bought him the ID bracelet on our first anniversary. (We see the back of a damaged watch, with an engraving.) BOOTH: (reading) Casu Consulto. What does that mean? BRENNAN: Accidentally on purpose. BOOTH: (aside) Why do you know things like this? BRIANNA LYNCH: It was kind of my husband's motto. DIANNE HOCHMAN: Mr. Lynch wrote about it in his autobiography. He played basketball in college. Made it all the way to the national championships. BRIANNA LYNCH: Warren was about to score, but another player locked him out of the key... DIANNE HOCHMAN: He injured the opposing player, sent him to the hospital, and made it look completely inadvertent. BOOTH: Accidentally on purpose. BRENNAN: He wrote this about himself, as if it were a good thing? DIANNE HOCHMAN: Well, you don't become Warren Lynch by playing by the rules. BRIANNA LYNCH: I'm still his wife, so this all comes to me now, is that correct? BOOTH: Still his wife? Mrs. Lynch, were you and Mr. Lynch having marital problems? BRIANNA LYNCH: Warren and I were separating. BRENNAN: Why? BRIANNA LYNCH: Infidelity. BOOTH: Hmm. On who's part? (BRENNAN raises her eyebrows at BOOTH.) BRIANNA LYNCH: I found out that Warren was seeing someone, only someone turned out to be - DIANNE HOCHMAN: Some dozen. BOOTH: I'm going to need a list. DIANNE HOCHMAN: When Brianna confronted Warren, he had a private investigator look into her activities. BRIANNA LYNCH: I admit, he didn't come up dry. BOOTH: Private investigator's name? DIANNE HOCHMAN: Rick Turco. He was one of Lynch's all-purpose, go-to, dirty-work fixer. BOOTH: Yeah, I'm familiar with Rick Turco. Thank you, for your cooperation. (Cut to - Jeffersonian - Booth & Brennan walking) BOOTH: Cheating spouse that stands to inherit all corrupt business practices and Turco the private dick, where do we start? HODGINS: Two types of glass were embedded in what was left of Lynch. BRENNAN: Start with glass. HODGINS: Tempered automotive safety glass and silicate. BRENNAN: Tempered glass came from the car windows, what about the other? HODGINS: It's 70% amorphous silicon dioxide. BRENNAN nods and heads off. BOOTH: What's that? HODGINS: It's like a common domestic container. BOOTH: Oh! Like a jar. Why can't we just say a jar? (Cut to - Jeffersonian - Another Room) BRENNAN: (entering an experiment lab) Anything new Zackaroni? BOOTH: Zackaroni? ZACK: The victim's left elbow and shoulder were badly dislocated post-mortem. BOOTH: You mean the between the time he died and the time he got hit by the train. BRENNAN: Blood flow was non-existent when the dislocation occurred. BOOTH: Okay. You guys do this stuff and I'll start on Turco. ZACK: What's that? BRENNAN: Private investigator. BOOTH: Turco's an affliction. I'll set up a meeting and call you. ZACK: You shouldn't call me Zackaroni. BRENNAN: Yeah, I knew that the moment I said it. I'm going to get a bone mineral density reading. (Cut to - Jeffersonian - Medico-Legal Lab - Platform. A bone being placed on a glass table, through which we can see ANGELA and BRENNAN talking.) ANGELA: You didn't actually want the job, did you? BRENNAN: I don't even know what the job is. ANGELA: Well, Goodman won't explain his decision. BRENNAN: Goodman appointed Dr. Saroyan while I was on vacation, then took a two-month sabbatical to avoid me. That explains a lot. ANGELA: Okay, well I think it's because you are very task-oriented. BRENNAN: Zack? (to ANGELA) Task oriented is a euphemism for lacking overall perspective. ANGELA: Oh, no. No! ...well, yeah. Yeah, a little. Like, when's my birthday? BRENNAN: I can get the computer to remind me about birthdays. ANGELA: (groans) That's one of a gajillion examples. BRENNAN: You could tell me the other gajillion minus one. (pointing to computer screen) What do you see, Zack? ZACK: Bone loss. Lack of bone density suggests that Warren Lynch was much older than his forties. But the other indicators of age - epiphyseal rings, radial sutures - all disagree. BRENNAN: Age doesn't explain the ossification of cartilage where the ribs meet the sternum. ANGELA: What does explain it? BRENNAN: Opiates. (Flash of white, and we see a filled syringe, into which blood billows.) BRENNAN: Warren Lynch was a heroin addict. ACT TWO (Cut to - Royal Diner - Night) RICK TURCO: Agent Booth, I'm a private investigator. My greatest asset is my discretion. BRENNAN: Brianna Lynch already told us that you worked for her husband, Mr. Turco. RICK TURCO: Well, Miss Lynch is welcome to say whatever she likes. BOOTH: You know the client confidentiality routine no longer exists when the client is dead. RICK TURCO: That's not the assurance I give my very demanding, very high-profile clients. Till death do us not part. BOOTH: Yeah, how would your very demanding, very high-profile clients feel if they find out you procured heroin for Warren Lynch. RICK TURCO: What? BRENNAN: Warren Lynch was a heroin addict. BOOTH: I open up a drug investigation on you, Mr. Turco. Once the press gets wind of that, your high-profile clients find some other unprinciples Mr. Fix-It. RICK TURCO: Warren Lynch was a junkie? What's your evidence? BOOTH: Bones? (BRENNAN hands RICK TURCO a file of their findings.) RICK TURCO: Well. So what does all of this mean? BOOTH: Sum it all up for me, Bones. BRENNAN: Warren Lynch suffered declining bone mass, due to long-term abuse of his hypothalamic pituitary gonadal axis. BOOTH: Nothing says 'junkie' like your gonad's axis, Ricky. RICK TURCO: I had no idea. I certainly never procured any heroin for him. BOOTH: Warren Lynch sure wasn't trolling for ten dollar hits in Lincoln Heights. RICK TURCO: Well, Agent Booth. You know my rep. I'm a sin eater. I make problems go away. BRENNAN: You mean like when Lynch's wife found out he was sleeping with other women?RICK TURCO: All right, anything I say, strictest confidence, correct? Warren Lynch brought me in to deal with a blackmailer. BOOTH: Warren Lynch was being blackmailed? BRENNAN: By one of his girlfriends? RICK TURCO: That would be my assumption, yes. I'd paid them off before, but this was a much bigger deal, more serious. Had to be the heroin, right? BOOTH: Let it play out. RICK TURCO: I negotiated the payment from a mill. to a quarter million, paid 'em off, that was three days ago. BOOTH: How? RICK TURCO: Dead drop at Rock Creek Park. BOOTH: And you have no idea who it was. RICK TURCO: No. I got a phone call. When I traced it back, it dead ended on a stolen cell phone. (Cut to - Jeffersonian - Medico-Legal Lab - Platform. BRENNAN picks up a reconstructed skull.) BRENNAN (to ZACK): You did a good job. CAM: Given your heroin bombshell, I went back to what tissue remained traces of laudanine and reticuline, alkaloids found in the opium poppy. BRENNAN: (to ZACK) I'd like Angela to do a facial reconstruction. (to CAM) Confirm my finding? (CAM nods) ZACK: It's handy having a pathologist right in the building. CAM: To turn opium into heroin, it's exposed to hot acetic anhydride, which produces eighteen neutral impurities. The ratio of these impurities indicates the heroin's origin; in this case, Mexico. BRENNAN: Mexican heroin is very common. I wonder if there's anything we can do to narrow it down further. CAM: Gas chromatography shows there's also fentanyl in the heroin. BRENNAN: What's that? ZACK: This reminds me of when you interviewed me to be your grad student. (to CAM) She knows what fentanyl is. (CAM smiles and nods.) CAM: It's a narcotic which boosts the effects of the heroin. According to Metro cops, fourteen addicts OD'd this week, off this one shipment. BRENNAN: Have you told Booth? CAM: No, I'll leave that up to you. ...how'd I do? (CAM leaves) ZACK: I thought she did quite well. BRENNAN: You said you had something else to show me? (Cut to - Jeffersonian - Experiment Room. A humanoid figure is on fire, inside a glass enclosure while HODGINS, BRENNAN & ZACK watch it) ZACK: In a car fire, gasoline ignites at 28 degrees Celsius and rises to a temperature of 2200 degrees. HODGINS: If the gas tank were full at the time of impact, the fire should have burned for approximately twenty minutes without intervention. (We see an unidentifiable part of the burning figure drop onto the mesh floor of the case, still flaming.) BRENNAN: Tell me that's not a real skeleton. ZACK: No, we made him out of calcium phosphate and hydroxyapatite. HODGINS: And SPAM. ZACK: Twenty minutes now. (HODGINS turns off the flames.) BRENNAN: It's still a significant amount of SPAM. HODGINS: According to the fire department report, the car burned for forty minutes and it still took four minutes to put out. ZACK: Which means there was extra fuel. BRENNAN: And the extra glass you found? HODGINS: Five gallon Mason jars. ZACK: Six of them. BRENNAN: Filled with gasoline. HODGINS: That, or moonshine. CAM: (walks in) Why does the whole lab smell like a luau? BRENNAN: Zack and Hodgins are proving there was extra accelerant in the Lynch's vehicle. CAM: Using what medium? BRENNAN: Artificial bone covered with SPAM. CAM: Turn this off. All look at CAM in surprise; HODGINS turns to BRENNAN who nods her assent. He then turns the flames down. CAM: Why wasn't I told about this? BRENNAN: (chuckles) I encourage independent inquiry. CAM: Your encouragement does not signify my authorization. If it happens again, I will take action. And I'm from New York, which means that I will take New York action. Am I clear? BRENNAN: Not at all. ZACK: I'm from Michigan. HODGINS: Dr. Saroyan means she'll make us watch musical theatre. CAM: Wrong New York. I'm more from the get-mugged-in-broad-daylight tradition. This is not a high school science fair; this is the Jeffersonian Institute. Unauthorized experiments in forensics will get you fired. ZACK: But...we're Hodge-Podge and Zackaroni. BRENNAN: And, they work for me. CAM: You know, what I'd really like to do here is enjoy a meeting of the minds. But, if you insist on an organizational pyramid, I will be at the top. (As CAM walks away, HODGINS turns up the flames with a huff.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to - Royal Diner - Day) BOOTH: Spam? BRENNAN: There were Mason jars in the backseat, intended to break when the train hit. BOOTH: And they got this with SPAM? BRENNAN: Yeah, SPAM. BOOTH: Mmhmm. And Cam, she got all...bent out of shape. BRENNAN: She wants to authorize all experiments. BOOTH: Great, you know Zack and Hodgins, they do an experiment with fake bones in spam. BRENNAN: What is your spam fixation? BOOTH: Defence lawyer hears spam, he makes a joke, and the jury laughs, and everything we get from the Jeffersonian is framed as 'goofy science', you know, from a bunch of squints with no connection to the real world. BRENNAN: That wouldn't happen. BOOTH: Oh, really, and the time you dropped a dead monkey down the elevator shaft... BRENNAN: No, that was to show - (smiles) Okay, I take your point. BOOTH: Cam's goal is a successful prosecution in a court of law. BRENNAN: Same as mine and yours. BOOTH: Oh, you're all about finding the truth. BRENNAN: Okay, your words say 'good', but your tone says 'bad', so it's confusing. BOOTH: Cam knows that too much truth is just as bad as too little. (His cell rings, and he reaches inside his jacket to pick it up.) Which is why she got the job. (on the phone) Booth. BRENNAN looks at him incredulously before leaning over. BRENNAN: You know, Angela says that you and Cam had a sexual relationship. Does that affect your view of her? BOOTH: (on his phone) Patch me through. (to BRENNAN) Wildly out of line, just so you know that. (on his phone) When? BRENNAN: You know, personal prerogative is at the heart of scientific inquiry. BOOTH: Bones. (on his phone) Thanks for the notification. BOOTH closes his cell phone and put it back in his jacket pocket. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: The man who was charged with murdering your mother. BRENNAN: The pig farmer. Vince McVicker. BOOTH: He was killed. Today, at Alexandria Federal Holding Facility. BRENNAN is shocked, tearing up. BRENNAN: I don't...he was the only connection to my father. His trial was going to be my...(she shakes her head) How am I ever going to find out what really happened? (Cut to - Jeffersonian - Holographics Room. A rotating image of a man's head being projected by the Angelator.) CAM: That's not Warren Lynch. How accurate is this thing? BRENNAN: It's not the machine that's accurate, it's Angela. And she's good. CAM: That is not Warren Lynch. ANGELA: Hey, Zack provided a skull, and this is the face that goes with it. BOOTH: Could it be the wrong skull? BRENNAN: Zack doesn't make that kind of mistake. He's also very good. CAM: What about the dental records? ANGELA: I'll check 'em for tampering. BOOTH: So you're certain that the body in the car... BRENNAN: Is not Warren Lynch. Absolutely certain.(Flash to a man in a car, apparently dead on the steering wheel) ACT THREE (Cut to - Jeffersonian - Holographics Room) LISA SUPEK: The man in the car was not Warren Lynch? ANGELA: No. This was the man behind the wheel. (hands her a photograph) LISA SUPEK: You had dental records. ANGELA: Well somebody digitized Lynch's dental records and then re-filmed them utilizing authentic alpha-numeric bar codes. CAM: The records were expertly faked. LISA SUPEK: Then where the hell is Warren Lynch? CAM: I've informed the FBI that they might want to start looking for him. In the meantime, we're moving to I.D. this guy. LISA SUPEK: Mistakes like this cannot happen when a case concerns a dead Senator. CAM: Miss Montenegro uncovered a fraud; that's the opposite of a mistake. LISA SUPEK: Save it for the press conference, Dr. Saroyan.(she leaves) ANGELA: Thank you. CAM: Hey, if you had made a mistake, I'd have thrown you to the wolves. (Cut to - Alley - Night - Booth and Brennan are on a stakeout in a car) BOOTH: Metro cops say that the guy pushing the Mexican heroin laced with fentanyl is Eddie Bean. Young guy, bald-headed, 5'5", 145 pounds. (BRENNAN sits up in the passenger seat to look. BOOTH pulls her back down and gives her a disparaging look.) BRENNAN: You know, if drugs were legalized, they could be dispensed from a clean, safe, controlled outlets by trained personnel. Not in alleyways by criminals. BOOTH: Yeah, right. (A guy in a leather jacket walking down the street.) BRENNAN: Hey, that's our guy! (She moves to exit the car, but BOOTH stops her.) BOOTH: Oh, no, no, shh. What we gotta do is we got to wait until he deals. Catch him in the act. (They both look out the driver's side window.) BRENNAN: We wait? For how long? BOOTH: However long it takes. BRENNAN: Well what do we do while we wait? BOOTH: This is a stakeout. We converse. BRENNAN: Well, I tried to initiate conversation about the drug war, but... BOOTH: (sighs) Oh God. Fine, you know what, let's talk about something we're not going to argue about. (They sit in silence.) BOOTH: Been out to your mother's grave? BRENNAN: Not since the funeral. BOOTH: Really? BRENNAN: Why would I? BOOTH: You know, to connect. BRENNAN: She's dead. BOOTH: Fine. You know what? Forget it. BRENNAN: Dead. As in, gone from this world. (BOOTH continues staring out the window. BRENNAN leans over, and taps his shoulder.) BRENNAN: Excuse me? I'm curious. What you...talk to the headstone? What do you say? BOOTH: It looks like I'm talking to the headstone, but what I'm really saying is...forget about where the words are aimed. What I say is that I remember them. BRENNAN: They can't hear you. Because they're dead. BOOTH: My mouth moves, words come out, but none seem to get across the drawbridge to the princess I know who waits within. (Two figures across the street, and one reaches into his jacket to pull something out.) BOOTH: We're on. They both exit the car, hurrying to the alley. BRENNAN: What princess? (BOOTH looks back to wave her question off as they near the two men in the alley.) BOOTH: Whoa, hey, hey, hey. (The buyer runs from the alley, and BOOTH shoves EDDIE to the ground by the throat.) BOOTH: Pockets, watch out for needles. BRENNAN: Don't you have to read him his rights before you strangle him? (checks his pockets) Empty. BOOTH: You know I had to hold his throat closed so he wouldn't swallow the evidence, all right? (to EDDIE) If you bite me, I will squeeze your little pinhead off. Okay. (he reaches into EDDIE's mouth.) Ugh, okay, easy. (he pulls a tied-off condom of heroin from EDDIE's mouth). BRENNAN: You shouldn't swallow heroin. It's dangerous. (BOOTH hauls EDDIE off the ground and throws him against the wall.) BOOTH: (slaps EDDIE around) Eddie? Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. I'm going to ask you a question, okay? You answer, you walk away, all right? You don't answer... EDDIE: You book me, I get sick, I know the drill. (He grabs EDDIE by the face) BOOTH: You don't answer, and I'm going to cram this back down your throat without the protection, all right? (waves the heroin in front of his face) You sold some of this crap to a tall guy. Over six and a half feet tall. Show him, Bones. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: Show him! BRENNAN: Oh, um...(she extends her arm above her head) Like...that tall? EDDIE: Uh, nobody I know. (BOOTH breaks the condom open, and shoves it into EDDIE's mouth, who coughs and resists) BOOTH: Okay, c'mon, here. Eat it. Eat, that's it. Get it in there, that's it. (EDDIE spits it out, coughing.) EDDIE: Ray. BOOTH: Ray. Ray, tell me about Ray. EDDIE: Everybody knows him down here, man. He's a long time skould? Scauwld? BRENNAN: When was the last time you saw him? EDDIE: Bought a stick of dynamite about three days ago. BRENNAN: I feel I should alert you. There's an additive in this heroin that causes overdoses. BOOTH leads BRENNAN away. EDDIE: Hey, where'd you find her? BOOTH: Museum. (his cell phone rings) Oh! BRENNAN: He should warn the addicts. BOOTH: Yeah, like they do on a pack of cigarettes. (on his phone) When? Thanks. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: They found Warren Lynch. (Cut to - Hospital Room) DOCTOR: Mr. Lynch was thrown from a speeding car. It's a minor miracle he's still alive. Maybe because he was already unconscious at the time. BOOTH: Unconscious? DOCTOR: Yes, badly beaten. Internal bleeding, broken ribs, both legs. Some spinal damage, broken pelvis. BRENNAN: When can we talk to him? DOCTOR: Any time you want, as long as you don't expect a response. This man has severe brain damage. Off the record, he's not going to wake up. Best case scenario, he spends the rest of his life hooked up to feeding tubes. BRENNAN: This is one of the richest men in the country. DOCTOR: Most of the time, that might mean something. Not now. BRENNAN: Doctor Lawrence, this man holds the key to how and why Senator Paula Davis died. DOCTOR: I'm sorry. Anything that man has in his head; it's going to stay there. Excuse me. ACT FOUR (Cut to - Jeffersonian - In the Holographics Room) ANGELA: After Zack nagged me a hundred times... ZACK: It's important for us to show how the victim's shoulder and elbow were dislocated. ANGELA: I recreated the most likely sequence. (The projected arm bending backwards with a snapping sound that we hear again as the shoulder dislocates.) BOOTH: Ouch! ZACK: The victim was dead when this happened. He didn't feel it. BOOTH: Run it again. ANGELA re-runs the simulation. BOOTH: It's like he was putting his jacket on. ANGELA: Corpses don't usually do that. ZACK: These injuries occurred when the corpse was forced into a jacket. ANGELA: Yeah, most likely by two people. BOOTH: Yeah, in a big hurry. ANGELA: They had a train to meet. BOOTH: Anything on the HOV lane photograph? ANGELA: Yeah, it was relatively easy to get the license plate numbers from these two cars. (Two car license plates being pulled up on the computer screen: IRA 5C3 and 742 1J1 from Virginia.) BOOTH: I'll check 'em out. ANGELA: There was another car. ZACK: In the next lane. BOOTH: How do you know that? ANGELA: Rich guys keep their cars shiny. (A reflection of the car in the next lane on the side of Lynch's car being highlighted and refined.) ZACK: Adjusting for the defraction of light caused by the curve- ANGELA: It's an Navigator. But get this. (she crops and enlarges the image) I don't know if that's any use to you. BOOTH: Yeah. That's of use. ZACK: Booth. Do either of these count as experiments? ANGELA: 'Cause if they do, we could both get fired. By your old sweetheart. BOOTH: You know, you just...quit telling Bones who you think I've slept with. ANGELA: Think? What do you mean, think? (Cut to - Jeffersonian - Autopsy Bay) CAM: Two people forced the corpse into the jacket, that's excellent work. (taps the reflection image) Who's that? BOOTH: I think it's Rick Turco. CAM: Means Turco's probably the last person who saw Lynch before he fell off the radar. BOOTH: Of course, Angela and Zack are scared that this counts as an experiment and you're going to fire them. CAM: Ah! I am getting through. BOOTH: Why did you take this job, Camille? CAM: Why shouldn't I, Seeley? BOOTH: Because it's basically herding cats, and you're a dog person. CAM: Dogs herd cats. BOOTH: Dogs...don't do that. CAM: Chase 'em up trees, whatever. BOOTH: Seriously, Cam. Why did you take this job? CAM: These. (picks up a metal implement) Are titanium rib-clippers from Germany. My last job? Used bolt cutters from Home Depot. These are much, much nicer. This autopsy table? Has downdraft ventilation. No rotting corpse smell, Seeley. My last table didn't even have a drain. Think about that a second. Leaky corpse, no drain. BOOTH: So you took this job for better equipment. CAM: I've spent my whole professional life in basement rooms with no windows. Now I'm in the Jeffersonian Institute. ...what? BOOTH: Gotta ask. CAM: You so do not. BOOTH: Did you take this job because of - (gestures to himself) CAM (laughs): God, the ego! BOOTH: Say it. CAM: Nothing to do with you. BOOTH: I need Bones this afternoon. CAM: Okay. BOOTH: It's about her mother's murder and her father's disappearance. CAM: Plus, she dedicated her book to you, so... BOOTH: It's a legitimate case, Cam. CAM: I know. I read the file. (he moves to leave) CAM: Why hasn't she confronted me? BOOTH: About what? CAM: About me, being parachuted in over her head? Finds me intimidating, right? (BOOTH laughs.) CAM: Hey, I intimidate people. BOOTH: Yeah, Bones doesn't intimidate. CAM: Then...what? BOOTH: Have you seen the way she stares at human remains before she makes a decision? CAM: Yes. BOOTH: You're human remains and...she hasn't made a decision yet. CAM: How do I help her make the right decision? BOOTH: Go for the truth. You know, Take care of her people. Oh, and I like the whole intimidation thing. I think it's cute. (Cut to - Alexandria Federal Prison - inmate sitting in a holding room.) DOWNS: Got no reason to lie. Facing life at least. Probably going to get executed. BRENNAN: What did you do? BOOTH: Mr. Downs killed his entire family. DOWNS: I killed your friend, 'cause he cut in the cafeteria line to snag the last orange juice. Broke off a sharpened toothbrush in his jugular. BRENNAN: Mr Downs, the man you killed- DOWNS: McVicker. BRENNAN: He's not my friend. He killed my mother. DOWNS: You come to tell me thanks? BRENNAN: No, McVicker was my last chance to find out some things. McVicker might have known something about my father. I can't ask my father because he left a message on my answering machine telling me to stop looking for him. DOWNS: I'll tell you what. Maybe...look at McVicker's murder as a second message from Max. One that he didn't use the phone for. (he looks up to signal the guard) BRENNAN: We never mentioned my father's name was Max. BOOTH: Did you perform a hit for Max Keenan? (The guard leads DOWNS away.) BOOTH: Did you perform a hit for Max Keenan?DOWNS: Take it as a sign from God. (Cut to - In the SUV, driving - Night) BRENNAN: How am I going to tell Russ that our father ordered the death of another human being? BOOTH: If he did that, and I'm not saying it happened that way, then your father took down the man who murdered his wife. BRENNAN: Good people don't have other people murdered. Good people don't even know how. BOOTH: Well, your father buried your mother in a pair of new shoes in a cemetery. With her dolphin belt buckle that reminded her of you because you both loved dolphins. BRENNAN: That does not make him a good man. BOOTH: People can be more than one thing. We were a dead end! All right, we know that your father got to Mitchell Downs, persuaded him to kill McVicker. We find out how he did that, we're that much closer to finding out what happened to your old man. I mean that's...if you still want to find him. BRENNAN: I do. BOOTH: Okay. Silver lining. (Cut to - Jeffersonian - Brennan's Office - Night. She is looking at old photographs. She picks up her mother's dolphin belt buckle and turns it over in her hands. [SONG: "The Greatest" by Cat Power]) (Cut to - Hospital - WARREN LYNCH in the hospital, a gold ring on his finger) (Cut to - FBI - Booth's Office - Brennan walks in) BRENNAN: Warren Lynch was in on it. BOOTH: Where did that come from? BRENNAN: He had his own dolphin, that NC-lots of "A"s, national championship ring? BOOTH: His own dolphin. BRENNAN: All the rest of his jewellery was removed and placed on the dead man. His ten thousand dollar watch, his I.D. band from his wife, his two other rings...but not the championship ring. BOOTH: That's good, Bones. BRENNAN: The only reason they wouldn't rip it off his hands is 'cause... BOOTH: 'Cause Lynch was calling the shots. And I know exactly who was in on it. (Cut to - FBI - Interrogation Room) RICK TURCO: So Warren Lynch and I conspired to disappear him for a few days so we could profit from shorting Lynchpin stock, huh? BOOTH: Well, you know, that's my thinking. RICK TURCO: (chuckles) And dress a junkie in Warren's clothes, planted him in front of a train, and - wait, did I murder the junkie? BOOTH: No, Bones said you probably found him dead. But what I think is that you and Lynch intended a white-collar crime. But, a Senator died... RICK TURCO: And then I got all hickey and I tossed Warren out of the car at eighty miles an hour? BOOTH: Is that a confession? RICK TURCO: Naw, naw. Just getting it straight. You know, as a professional investigator myself, I have to point out that blackmailers make much better suspects. BOOTH: Lynchpin has no record of a quarter-million payout three days ago. RICK TURCO: Well, there's not exactly a column for blackmail payouts in the corporate books. If I had only agreed to the full payout, Lynch might never have been taken by those animals. BOOTH: Hey, let's play a little show-and-tell, huh? 'Cause we can put you with Lynch moments before he fell off the radar. (shows him the reflection image) RICK TURCO: That's maybe me. Before he fell off the radar. We worked together. Huh, you got nothing. (BRENNAN bursts into the room.) BRENNAN: Booth. (She leaves, and BOOTH rises to follow her out.) BRENNAN: Do that lying thing! BOOTH: Could you be more specific? BRENNAN: Tell him...Lynch woke up and gave a statement incriminating him. BOOTH: Turco knows the lying thing. BRENNAN: Tell him Lynch said something that only Lynch could say. BOOTH: Ooh, great idea, except for the 'only Lynch could say it' part. BRENNAN: The ring? BOOTH: He'll ask for specifics of the conversations. I gotta cut him loose. BRENNAN: He's going to get away with it? BOOTH: Well, that happens sometimes, Bones. That's the brown, little smelly part of the job. BRENNAN: Shoulder and elbow. The junkie's shoulder and elbow were dislocated when they forced him into Lynch's jacket. BOOTH: We don't know if Lynch was there for that. BRENNAN: Well, It took two people! It was him. C'mon Booth. The part of you with a big gambling problem must love this idea. BOOTH: Right there. Mhmm. That's the reason you didn't get Cam's job. (They both re-enter the interrogation room) RICK TURCO: Oh, two against one? That's unfair. BOOTH: Warren Lynch woke up. RICK TURCO: Ah, and he's talking, right? Huh? Is he pointing his finger straight at me? BRENNAN: That's correct. RICK TURCO: What's he saying? BOOTH: That you let him take all his jewellery except his championship ring. RICK TURCO: No, I asked, what did he say? In words? Both BOOTH and BRENNAN are silent. RICK TURCO: (getting to his feet) Hey, unless I'm under arrest, I'm leaving, folks. BRENNAN: Mr. Lynch said it was difficult getting his jacket onto the corpse. BOOTH: Rigour mortis. You have a train to meet. You're in a hurry. BRENNAN: And the sound of the shoulder popping? (A flashback to the junkie's arm being pulled back and dislocating.) BRENNAN: And the elbow. Like...knuckles popping. (flashback to the elbow making a popping sound) Only louder. BOOTH: Sickening. (Cut to - Jeffersonian - Medico-Legal Lab - Upper Level Lounge Area) LISA SUPEK: Turco will admit to helping Lynch place a body in Mr. Lynch's car, and rigging it to burn, with the intent of moving the market. Everything else, including placing it on the tracks, he said Mr. Lynch did himself. BOOTH: Well, he's lying. LISA SUPEK: There's the small matter of proving that in court. CAM: What's the maximum sentence on those charges? LISA SUPEK: Ten years. ANGELA: He killed three people. HODGINS: And put one in a coma. ZACK: Yeah, but Lynch deserves to be in a coma, so it doesn't count. BOOTH: All right, look, Turco puts all the blame on Lynch, does the ten years, and he gets all the money from shorting the stock. LISA SUPEK: It's ten years or nothing. I can only work with what I'm given, and the forensic work on this was not good enough. BRENNAN: What? LISA SUPEK: You were fooled by fake dental records, you baked some SPAM. CAM: What did you want us to do? LISA SUPEK: Your job. BOOTH: Hey! CAM: No, Ms. Supek, you want us to do your job. My people gave you all the evidence you need to fry Turco with any reasonable jury. LISA SUPEK: Forensically- CAM: We gave you everything you needed to arrest Turco. LISA SUPEK: Arrest is not a conviction. CAM: We gave you enough to reject his plea bargain and indict him on the wrongful death of a Senator. LISA SUPEK: Indictment is not a conviction. BOOTH: You accept that plea bargain, the investigation stops. BRENNAN: Indict him. Give us time to give you what we need. CAM: You accept this plea bargain, you don't deserve to be a federal prosecutor. LISA SUPEK: Dr. Saroyan- CAM: Yeah, it's scary. The whole country will be watching the trial, and you don't want to go in with less than a sure thing. But you put my people on the stand as expert witnesses and that's a sure thing. In UNISON: BRENNAN: Not Zack. ANGELA: Not Zack. HODGINS: Not Zack. CAM: You tell people the story of what happened using the evidence these people provided and if you have any ability as a prosecutor, you'll win the case. LISA SUPEK: Are you finished? CAM: No, Ms. Supek. In the future, when you have problems with my team, you register them with me in private, not by grandstanding in a public forum. (With a tight smile, LISA SUPEK leaves, followed by CAM.) BRENNAN: Okay, I, um, sort of see why she got the job. (Cut to - Graveyard - Day - BOOTH and BRENNAN are standing in front of a grave.) BOOTH: Well, looks like your brother was here. BRENNAN: Never understood the idea of bringing flowers. BOOTH: (handing her a bouquet) Just for once, Bones, do what people do. Kay? See how it feels. That's it. I'm going to go stand over here, while you talk to your Mom. BRENNAN: I told you, I don't do that. BOOTH heads off, leaving BRENNAN standing alone in front of her mother's grave. BRENNAN: Mom, it's me. Temperance. I have questions, but you can't answer them. No offence, but I don't think there's anything here of you but your bones, so...(quietly) can't believe I'm doing this. (pauses) Is Dad a good man or...a bad man? He had someone killed. Had him murdered and...what's the truth? Do I...do I keep looking, or do I let it go like he asked? Who's he protecting? Himself? Or me, and Russ? (She falls into silence and looks doubtfully at BOOTH.) BRENNAN: Booth? I asked the questions and guess what? No answer. BOOTH: Well, maybe if you weren't standing right on top of her, took a step to the left, showed just a little respect. Sometimes it takes a while to get an answer, okay? Just leave the flowers. (BRENNAN reluctantly leaves the flowers at the base of the headstone.) BRENNAN: I get answers from a lab, you get them from people. Nobody gets answers from a slab of stone. BOOTH: Yeah, well I see an answer in the stone. See, you buried your mother as Christine Brennan, the woman that you knew as your mother and not by her real name, Ruth Keenan. That tells me who you are. BRENNAN is preoccupied with pulling on a latex glove to pick a tiny silver dolphin up from the base of the headstone. (SONG: "Be Here Now" by Ray LaMontagne) BOOTH: What do you got? BRENNAN: A dolphin. (She slips the dolphin into a plastic bag.) BRENNAN: What does that tell you? BOOTH: What does it tell you? BRENNAN: My father was here. BOOTH: Because he loves your mother, grieves her loss, and he came here to talk to her. (He takes the dolphin out of the bag.) BRENNAN: You're tainting evidence. BOOTH: It's not that kind of evidence, Bones. It's evidence of something else. Something that can't be tainted. (He hands her the dolphin, which she holds up and examines) BRENNAN: It's beautiful. BOOTH: Yeah. (Fade out as they stand, looking at the dolphin) END.

Brennan and Booth investigate the site of a train wreck where the bodies of a senator and a high-profile businessman are found within the wreckage. The businessman's body is found in a car on the train tracks, and at first look, it is an apparent suicide. While investigating a possible connection between the two victims, Brennan and her team discover the businessman is still alive, but severely injured, at a local hospital, and the body at the scene is someone else. As the clues begin to unravel, the investigation gets more complicated when details of the man's private life are revealed, leading Brennan and Booth to a private detective who may hold key information. Meanwhile, Brennan is introduced to Dr. Camille Saroyan, a first-rate pathologist who has been hired as the head of forensics at the Jeffersonian, and more importantly, Brennan's boss. It doesn't take long for Brennan to figure out "Cam" is a little too familiar with Booth and they share something of a past. Also, Booth encourages Brennan to visit her mother's grave site for the first time.

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_01x09

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_01x09_0

(George is in the bathroom alone, his clothes are all over the floor) MVO: Secrets can't hide in science. Medicine has a way of exposing the lies. Within the walls of the hospital, the truth is stripped bare. (George is reading "Rashes, Hives and Skin Eruptions") MVO: How we keep our secrets outside the hospital...Well, that's a little different. (Izzie tries to enter the bathroom but the door is locked) Izzie: George. You locked the door. I need to take a shower. George: Uh, uh, I'll be out in a minute. Izzie: What are you doing in there? George: It's private. Izzie: Oh. Oh, God. I'm sorry. I get it. I didn't mean to interrupt. George: No, it's not that! Izzie: It's ok. Take your time. George: I am not doing what you think I'm doing. Izzie: You know what, there's really no need to explain. I'll wait. You just...finish. George: No, I'm...I'm coming. I'm coming out. MVO: One thing is certain. Whatever it is we're trying to hide, we're never ready for that moment when the truth gets naked. (Derek is asleep and there is a phone ringing, Meredith answers it) Woman: Dr. Grey, this is Ms. Henry from the nursing home. I'm calling about your mother. Meredith: Is she all right? Ms. Henry: Oh, it's nothing like that. Meredith: Can I call you later, then? Ms. Henry: Uh, I just wanted to... Meredith: I have to go. (Hangs up phone) Derek: Oh, my God. Who is calling you at this hour? Meredith: It's a wrong number. (George exits the bathroom to find Izzie outside the door grinning) Izzie: There's no reason to be ashamed. It's normal. Healthy, even. George: Well I'm not ashamed cause I wasn't doing anything. I don't have to. I have a girlfriend. Izzie: An imaginary girlfriend? George: An actual girlfriend. Izzie: You know what? It's no big deal. You don't have to lie. I get it. You have needs. (Meredith opens her bedroom door that Izzie had been leaning on) Meredith: What is going on out here? George: Nothing. Izzie: (Starts to say something, looks at George and changes her mind) Nothing. George: Nothing. Izzie: He's freaked out cause I caught him playing with little Jimmy and the twins. George: I have a girlfriend. Izzie: Ok. (George walks down the hallway and slams the door to his room) Derek: This sounds like fun out here. (Derek's phone rings, he looks at it but doesn't answer) Meredith: Aren't you gonna get that? It might be the hospital. Derek: It's not. Breakfast? MVO: That's the problem with secrets. Like misery, they love company. (Cristina in the hall of SGH on the phone) Cristina: No, look, I told you people I'm not coming for a counseling session. I know all my options. Yeah, uh, well I made my decision, and I made my appointment. I'll be there on the 16 th. MVO: They pile up and up until they take over everything. (Burke walks up) Burke: I paged you last night. Cristina: Oh, I wasn't on call. Burke: That's not why I paged you. You could give me your home number. Cristina: Um, Burke...Uh, I gotta go. MVO: Until you don't have room for anything else. (Chief Webber walks by rubbing his temple and trying to read the chart with obvious difficulty.) MVO: Until you're so full of secrets, you feel like you're going to burst. (George and Olivia are talking at a desk) Olivia: I had a really good time the other night. George: Yeah, me too. Are you, uh, feeling ok and everything? Olivia: I'm good. Great, now that I got to see you. Why? George: Oh, no reason. I'm good too, you know? Really good. You know. But, um, a little itchy. (Izzie walks up) Izzie: Hi, George. George: Hey. Izzie: Olivia. Olivia: Hi, Dr. Stevens. I'll see you later. George: Ok. Bye. Yeah. She's into me. Izzie: Way to go, George. She's cute. So this morning you really weren't... George: Anytime you want to apologize... Izzie: Then what were you doing in the bathroom for so long? George: I have to go. (George enters the locker room where Alex is trimming his nose hairs in the mirror. He checks around to see if anyone else is in there) George: Um... Alex: I know I'm pretty to look at and all, George, but back up. George: I need to ask you something. Alex: I'm waiting. George: I seem to be having this skin thing going on, like a rash, really. And I think I know what it is, but I can't get close enough to tell for sure. Alex: Let's see it. George: It's kinda located in an, um, you know, private... Alex: You're a doctor, George. It's called a pen1s. You have a rash on your pen1s? George: I think I can describe it. Um, it's k...red. Alex: Look, just come on. Just show me your junk so we can get this over with. (George looks around again and then slowly unties and opens his scrubs. Alex looks and makes a grimacing face.) George: So? Alex: Dude, you've got syphilis. (Alex leaves and George checks out his rash in the mirror.) (Patients room, there is a man on a gurney and a very pregnant woman standing at his side) Alex: Patient presented with abdominal pain and blood in his urine. Once his workup come back unrevealing, the urologist suggested a cystoscopy. Burke: Reason? George: To get a look inside the bladder. Man: I appreciate you doing this, Preston. I know this is a little out of your field. Burke: That's not a problem. It gives my interns something to do. Man: I have a feeling you keep them plenty busy. We were in the same frat at Tulane. It's gone from torturing pledges to torturing interns. Am I right? Burke: Be very careful how you two answer that. Man: I could tell some stories. Burke: Bill, you have a camera snaking up your mojo. It's not the time to cross me. Woman: It isn't anything too serious? Burke: That's what this procedure will tell us. You don't worry about anything but growing my godson in there. Woman: He kicks like you wouldn't believe. Burke: A badass, just like his father. Move a little to the right. Your other right. There. Bill: What do you see? What is it? Burke: Could be any number of things. O'Malley, take a biopsy of the mass. Dr. Karev, schedule a CT. Let's not worry until we have to. (Derek is in the gallery watching Chief Webber perform surgery) Richard: There's too much damage. We'll have to remove most of the colon instead of a local resection. (He tries to stitch the colon up and can't seem to do it.) Richard: You gotta push it up. (He tries and misses again) Richard: More suture. And what's with these damn lights in here. (Meredith readjusts the lights) (Cristina and Izzie examining Mr. Franklin. He has a very large stomach.) Cristina: Mr. Franklin, how long has your abdomen been like this? Mr. Franklin: It's been getting bigger for a while. Mrs. Franklin: I told him there was something wrong. No one gets fat like this so fast. I told him. Daughter: Everybody told him. Izzie: He has dullness to percussion and spider angiomas. Daughter: What's all that mean? Cristina: It means, we have to admit you father and run some tests. Daughter: Great! What's that gonna cost us this time? Mrs. Franklin: Alice, don't. (George walks up the lab pickup window) George: Hi, uh, results for George O'Malley? Tech: I don't see it here. What's the patient's name? George: O'Malley, George. Look, it's just a simple blood test. Tech: Here you go. George: Thank you. (Izzie enters and drops something off at the lab) Izzie: Franklin, Jordan, I need this back ASAP. Tech: What a shocker. Izzie: (To George) Hey, what did you get, something good? (Grabs George's results) Syphilis? That's not surgical. Who has syphilis? (George pulls Izzie into the nurse's station) George: (To nurse leaving) Excuse us, sorry. Izzie: You have syphilis? George: Shh! (George closes all the blinds and the door) George: I don't know how this happened. Izzie: Of course you do. God, Olivia must really be getting around. George: Olivia, she's not like that. Izzie: It's a new millennium, George. The only people who aren't like that are the Amish and, apparently, you. George: You don't know. Maybe I've been sleeping around. Maybe I got ladies. Shut up. What am I gonna do? Izzie: It's no biggie, couple doses of Penicillin will knock it out. George: What am I gonna do about Olivia? Izzie: Well, for starters, stop sleeping with her, unless you want that thing to fall off. George: Ok, that is twice that you have trash-talked the girl that I could one day potentially...well, not love but like a whole lot. Izzie: If she gave it to you, you have to tell her. George: Three. Izzie: Fine. She didn't give it to you. She was a virgin when you met. You still have to tell her so she can get tested. George: Oh, yeah? How am I gonna tell her? "Uh, hey, Olivia. How you doing? By the way, I got the syph. How about you?" Izzie: Maybe not quite like that. George: No, it's good advice, really good advice. Thank you very much. (George leaves, Izzie is still smiling) (Chief Webber's surgery) Richard: Retract here. Bailey: Oh! This just isn't holding. Richard: Give me a bigger retractor, please. (Nurse hands him a retractor which he drops) Nurse: Sorry, doctor. Richard: It wasn't you. Dr. Bailey, you can finish this. Bailey: Uh, thank you, chief. I appreciate the opportunity. I'll just... (Richard leaves. Meredith looks up to Derek in the gallery.) (Bill is getting his CT and George and Alex are in the scanning room) Alex: I gotta say, George, I didn't think you had it in you. It's always the quiet ones. So whos the woman? George: None of your business. Alex: Oh, come on. Who gave you the cooties on the playground? George: You must have had something like this before, right? Alex: I never talk about my pen1s with other men. (Tech looks at George) George: I don't n... either, normally. (Results show up from the CT scan) George: We better get Burke. (Izzie and Cristina enter Mr. and Mrs. Franklin's room) Cristina: Mr. Franklin? You have a condition known as ascites. Mrs. Franklin: Oh, my God. I knew it was terrible. Izzie: It just means there's fluid in the peritoneal cavity. The abdomen. And the swelling is pressing against you lungs which is why you're having trouble breathing. Cristina: In your case, it looks like a symptom of liver disease. Alice: And it all comes together. Mrs. Franklin: Alice, not now. Cristina: Is there something we should know? Mr. Franklin: I drink a bit. Alice: That's the understatement of the year. Mr. Franklin: That's enough out of you. Alice: Hey! I'm only here for Mom, to make sure you don't pull any of your usual crap. (Burke is reviewing Bill's scan images) Burke: There's definitely a growth, protruding into the bladder, but look at the edges. I don't think it's a tumor. Alex: Kind of shaped like an ovary. Burke: That the flip answer you're gonna give your patient, Dr. Karev? This is one of my oldest friends. You might want to take this seriously. Alex: I'm sorry, sir. Burke: You better be. George: I got the rest of the labs back. They did a chromosome analysis of the tissue. You won't believe this. (Burke looks at the lad results) Burke: Bill has an ovary? (Bill and Burke smile at each other through the glass) (Cristina and Izzie are updating Bailey on Mr. Franklin) Izzie: Um, according to his daughter, Mr. Franklin is a heavy drinker. Cristina: Six to eight drinks a day, an alcoholic by any standard. Bailey: Protocol? Cristina: Schedule a paracentesis. Bailey: Reason? Izzie: Uh, draining the fluid will relieve the pressure from the lungs. Bailey: Good, but don't schedule it. Do it. Izzie: You want us to do the procedure? Bailey: You've seen one, right? Cristina: Absolutely. Bailey: Well, now do one. Izzie: I've never seen one. Cristina: You're about to. Izzie: Oh, my God. (Alex and George walking in the stairwell) George: God, an ovary. Alex: It kinda gives new meaning to the term "metrosexual." (Olivia enters the stairwell) Olivia: Hi, George. George: Olivia. Alex: What am I, invisible? Olivia: Alex. George: You go ahead. I'll catch up with you later. (Alex leaves and George and Olivia make out) Olivia: About time I got you alone today. (They make out again) George: Olivia... Olivia: What time is your shift done? George: Olivia... Olivia: Because mine's over at 8, and I thought maybe you could come over. George: Olivia! I need to tell you something. Olivia: What's wrong? Are you breaking up with me? George: What? No. Oh, no. Really, no. It's just...Ok, you're the only person that I've been with in a long time. I mean, not unusually long or anything, you know? Just a normal amount of long time. But it wouldn't matter to me if you've been with someone else. Maybe you have? I'm not accusing you of anything or, you know, judging you or handing out scarlet letters or anything, you know? It's...you're a woman, you know? A very attractive woman. Of course you've been with other men. Not that you've been with a lot of men, it's not like you're a prostitute... Olivia: A prostitute? George: No! Not a...not a prostitute. What...? No, the opposite of a prostitute, a lady. You're very ladylike. I mean, you're very bendy, but... Olivia: George, breathe. George: Ok. It's just...ok, here's the thing. I really like you, Olivia. I like you a lot. Olivia: Well, I like you too. (They make out again, George pushes her away) George: I have syphilis. (Olivia looks at him and then without saying anything runs off) George: That could have gone better. (Chief Webber's office, there is a picture of him on a magazine and a plaque for best doctor in America. He is still rubbing his temple. Derek knocks, enters and closes the door.) Derek: You dropped a retractor. Richard: Fine. A few weeks ago, I was operating, and the vision in my right eye became blurry. After a few hours, it was fine. It's come back again. Derek: Did you have it checked out? Richard: The examination was normal. My ophthalmologist tells me I'm just getting older. But you know what a decline in my visual acuity can mean. Derek: I'll set up some tests. Richard: Shep, I know how the rumor mill runs around here. Let's just keep this to ourselves. Derek: Absolutely. Yeah. (George is walking through the outdoor picnic area with Alex) George: Do you think she's talking about me? Alex: She's absolutely talking about you. Dude, that's a good thing. (They walk past Olivia's table) George: No, no it's not. Alex: Georgie, get a clue. Syphilis is the best thing that ever happened to you. In their eyes, you're a player. (They sit down at a table with Cristina and Izzie. Izzie is feeling Cristina's forehead) Cristina: Hey, syph-boy. George: You told her? Izzie: Just Cristina. Alex: "Syph-boy." It's got a nice ring to it, it's kinda like Superboy, only diseased. Cristina: Izzie didn't have to say a word. Around here, the only thing that spreads faster than disease is gossip. George: That's not true. Just cause Izzie can't keep her mouth shut doesn't mean everyone knows. (Meredith enters) Meredith: Hey, George. How are you feeling? Sorry about the syphilis. George: Everyone in this hospital knows? Alex: Knows you're a player. George: You're disturbed. Alex: True. Everybody's got a secret. Just be glad yours is out in the open. Cristina: Oh, yeah, Alex? What's yours? Alex: You show me yours, and I'll show you mine. (Cristina looks at Burke as he walks by) Alex: I bet you've got some seriously kinky skeletons in your closet. Cristina: What's in my closet is none of your business. Izzie: Well, I don't have any secrets. My life is boring. Meredith: Everybody's got something to hide. (Everyone stares at Meredith) (Burke enters Bill's room) Burke: Well, the mass we found is not a tumor. Bill: Well, that's good, right? Anything's got to be better than cancer. Burke: Well, that's where it gets a little tricky. The chromosomal tests have revealed that your body contains DNA from two different embryos that merged in the womb at the very beginning of development. In rare cases such as yours, the condition can preduce gonadal hermaphroditism. Bill: I'm hearing scary words here, Preston, you know, pay-cable kind of words. Burke: In English, the mass in your bladder is an ovary. Bill: Huh? Burke: Don't worry. We're gonna remove it. We have an excellent gynecological surgeon on staff. Bill: You're telling me I'm a guy with an ovary? Burke: It's simply a quirk of nature, man. Bill: What am I gonna tell Holly? Burke: That you're gonna be fine. Bill: I'm still a man, right? Burke: A man's man, a Kappa man. Bill: I mean...you know, my s*x life. Burke: You been having any problems? Bill: (Laughing) Was it my very pregnant wife that gave it away? (They both laugh) Burke: Come on, man, don't worry. You never knew it was there. You won't miss it when it's gone. (Alex is giving George shots of penicillin) George: Are you sure you know what you're doing? Alex: It's a shot of penicillin, George. Be grateful I'm even doing this. I've already seen more of you than I ever wanted to. I'll be fighting nightmares for a week. George: Ok, you know what? Forget this. Alex: Do you want to get rid of the syph or not? Just shut up and drop 'em. (George pulls down his pants and bends over the gurney) George: I cannot believe this. (Meredith enters) George: Meredith, go away! Meredith: Oh, George. Thought you could use some moral support. George: NO! No, moral support. I'm indisposed here. Meredith: George, it's not a big deal. And you have a cute butt. Alex: I have a cute butt too. You want to see? Meredith: Oh, get out. You're doing it wrong. Alex: Be my guest. George: What...? Alex. Alex. Wha...? (Alex leaves and Izzie enters) George: Hey! Izzie: What are we doing here? George: Breaking George's spirit. Meredith: Curing George's syph. George: I don't like needles. Meredith: Good thing you became a doctor. Other side. (Cristina yells from the hallway) Cristina: Izzie? Izzie: Yeah? Cristina: Uh, Mr. Franklin's procedure's been scheduled for after lunch... (Cristina enters) Cristina: Oh, what are we doing? Izzie: We are saving George from a future of festering sores and insanity. Cristina: Oh, cute butt. Meredith: Told ya. Izzie: It is cute, like a baby's. George: You know, I have spent hours, days, years, imagining myself half-naked in a room with three women. The reality is so much better. (George leaves) Cristina: I think he's gonna cry. (They all laugh) (Meredith is on the phone with Ms. Henry from the nursing home) Ms. Henry: Hi. It's Ms. Henry again. Is this a better time? Meredith: Sorry about this morning. I wasn't alone and...what were you calling about? Ms. Henry: I just wanted to remind you that tonight's our monthly family dinner. You know, you haven't been to any of our family functions. Meredith: You have to understand. I'm a surgical intern, so my time isn't my own. Ms. Henry: Our residents really respond to these events. They always enjoy themselves which is so rare. I think it's important you attend. Meredith: I'll be there. I'll try to be there. I'll definitely try. (Derek and Richard walking through the hall) Derek: I've cleared some time for your MRI. Richard: Good. Let's get going. Derek: Ok. (Derek leaves as Patricia walks up) Patricia: Uh, sorry to bother you with this, chief. We've got kind of a situation. Richard: What now? (Richard is standing in front of a room full of doctors and interns with Patricia seated near him) Richard: Three interns, four residents and six nurses on this surgical floor have been diagnosed with...syphilis. (The room makes oohing noises) Patricia: There are over 70,000 new cases every year. (Olivia looks at George across the room) Patricia: Undiagnosed, syphilis can lead to blindness, insanity and death. Richard: If you are having unprotected s*x with another member of the staff, get tested. (Burke looks at Cristina across the room) Richard: This is not a request. (Everyone laughs) Richard: Patricia will now give you a safe-sex demonstration. (Laughing continues) (Patricia stands up holding a condom and a banana) Patricia: When the time is right, and, gentlemen, you'll all know when that time is, carefully open the condom packet and roll it onto the banana. (Derek enters) Derek: (Whispering to Richard) We should try and get down to do the MRI now. Richard: This isn't really a good time. Derek: If you want to do this without anybody else knowing, you should do it now. Patricia: Open communication is essential to a healthy relationship. In a responsible relationship... Meredith: (Whispering to Cristina) Poor George. Cristina: Yeah. You know, I think he really likes Typhoid Mary. Meredith: Well, not many budding relationships survive a good dose of VD. Cristina: Yeah. Patricia: When the banana is finished... Meredith: Yeah. Patricia:...gently peel off the condom and dispose of it properly. With every fresh banana, always use a fresh condom. [SCENE_BREAK] (The line to the blood lab is VERY long, Cristina is at the end of it. The elevator nearby dings open and a lab tech gets out. Burke is in the elevator not planning on exiting until he sees Cristina and then he hurries out of the elevator. He gets in the blood lab line.) Burke: You're avoiding me. Cristina: I'm busy, at work. I-I'm working. Burke: Why are you in this line? Cristina: It's the syphilis line. Burke: You don't need to be in this line. Cristina: I don't? Burke: There's no one else. (Cristina looks at him surprised) That surprises you? Cristina: Nothing surprises me. Burke: Do I need to be in this line? Cristina: No. Burke: Ok, then. Cristina: Ok. (They both get out of the line and head in opposite directions) (Izzie walks up) Izzie: Hey. Cristina: Oh, hey. Izzie: Mr. Franklin is prepped and ready. Cristina: Excellent. Izzie: God, look at this line. Well, at least we don't have to stand in line. That's the one good thing about the fact neither of us is getting any, right? Cristina: Yeah. (They go to Mr. Franklin's room) Cristina: Mr. Franklin, we've given you a local anesthetic, but you might feel some pressure. Mr. Franklin: Ok. I'm ready. Cristina: Grab the skin. Izzie: Ok. Cristina: I'm in the peritoneal cavity. Izzie: That fluid is bloody. Is it supposed to be bloody? Mr. Franklin: You've done this before, right? Cristina: Of course. Millions of times. Izzie: You're doing great, Mr. Franklin. Cristina: Ok. Wait, wait. Ok, go. Good. Now all we have to do is wait. (Derek and Richard are examining his MRI scans) Derek: You see that right there? Richard: Mm-hmm. Derek: It's a tumor, and it's pressing against your optic nerve. Richard: Is it operable? Derek: Oh, definitely. It does have its risks. Richard: You mean I could lose my sight? Just what I need, a syphilis outbreak and a tumor. Derek: Well, it's probably unrelated. Richard: All right, Derek, lets see how good you really are. Derek: All right. I'll put a team together. Richard: All my people only. And I still want this kept under wraps. The vultures will be circling soon enough. Derek: Aren't I one of the vultures? Richard: Why do you think I want to keep an eye on you? Get going. We're doing this tonight. Derek: Right. (Meredith enters just as Richard is leaving) Meredith: You paged? Derek: Yeah, I need you to help me out on something for the chief. Can you keep a secret? Meredith: Better than you think. (Cristina and Izzie in Mr. Franklin's room) Cristina: How much fluid can one body hold? Izzie: Shh! There's a lot of fluid in there, Mr. Franklin, but were almost finished. Mr. Franklin, are you sleeping? (She shakes him) Mr. Franklin? (She checks his pulse) He has no pulse. Cristina: What? Izzie: He has no pulse! (Cristina hits the code button will Izzie starts CPR, the code team runs in a moment later) (Cristina and Izzie leaving the room) Cristina: How could he die just like that with no warning? Izzie: There was blood in the tube when it first went in. What if it's our fault? What if we did something wrong? Cristina: We didn't do anything wrong. We did a textbook procedure. (They walk up to a desk where Bailey is standing) Bailey: I checked you chart. You did everything by the book. Izzie: He died on our watch. We must have missed something. Bailey: You couldn't have known. There was no history of heart problems. His death wasn't your fault. Cristina: When's the autopsy? Bailey: There isn't gonna be an autopsy. Cristina: What? How are we supposed to know the cause of death? Bailey: It's going down as cardiopulmonary arrest complicated by liver disease. Izzie: But an autopsy would... Bailey: The family decided they didn't want an autopsy. Cristina: But, Dr. Bailey... Bailey: They don't want an autopsy. Let it go. (Derek runs up to Bailey and Meredith in the hall) Derek: How goes out special super secret silent sunset surgery? I've been practicing that. Bailey: You have too much time on your hands. Uh, tell the chief I'll be there. Just let me know when and where. I'm in. Meredith: Ok. (Bailey leaves) are you nervous? Derek: It's a complicated surgery. I make one mistake, I end a fellow surgeon's career, my mentor's career. Oh, no, I'm not nervous. Meredith: So just for the record... Derek: Mm-hmm. Meredith: ...you'd tell me if I need to get tested, right? Derek: You think I have syphilis? Meredith: No, I don't. It's just...we never made any rules or anything. I mean, we never said, "We have rules," and I wouldn't hold it against you. Derek: When would I have time to go out and get syphilis? You're a handful enough as it is, and besides, we're like, practically a condom ad. Meredith: But no more glow-in-the-dark ones. Derek: You see? There's nothing to worry about. Maybe we should, you know make some rules, I mean. Meredith: We should. Derek: Ok. Meredith: Ok. Derek: Just for the record... Meredith: Uh-huh? Derek: I like the glow-in-the-dark ones. Meredith: I bet you do. (Meredith leaves and Derek's phone rings, he doesn't answer it but looks concerned) (Bill's surgery) Dr. Knox: That's the last of the ovarian material. I just need to sew up the perforation on the bladder wall. (Looks at Burke) Uh... (Shakes her head) Burke: Is there a problem, Dr. Knox? Dr. Knox: Well, you said this man's wife is pregnant? Burke: Due in five weeks. Why? Dr. Knox: Our patient has a blind vas deferens. Burke: Bill is sterile? Dr. Knox: And always has been. George: Then who got his wife pregnant? (Everyone just looks at each other) George: Oh! Alex: Sucks to be Bill right now. (Alex, George and Burke are walking through the hallway) George: How's Burke gonna tell him the baby's not his? Alex: Burke's not gonna tell him. George: He has to, their friends. Alex: Bill's better off not knowing. George: Do you think Holly knows Bill's not the father? Alex: Maybe, maybe not. George: I think Bill should know his wife's cheating on him. I'd wanna know. Burke: I don't remember asking for your opinions, so keep them to yourselves. George: Sorry, sir. (To Alex) You're such as gossip. (Izzie and Cristina are in the waiting room with Alice and Mrs. Franklin) Izzie: We know how confusing this must be, your husband dying so suddenly. But an autopsy will tell us why. Mrs. Franklin: So you think we should do the autopsy? Alice: No, we just wasn't this to be over. Cristina: But, don't you want to know for certain what killed him? Alice: My father was a mean drunk who couldn't hold a job. That's what killed him. Izzie: I understand that you're angry. But knowing for sure might help give you some closure. Mrs. Franklin: It was awfully sudden, Alice. Alice: Sudden? He's been killing himself for years. Mrs. Franklin: He was a good man. Maybe...maybe they're right. Maybe we should do the autopsy. Alice: Mom, stop it. He's dead. It's finally over. Mrs. Franklin: Alice, your father would have wanted... Alice: Who cares what he wanted? Can't we please just try and get out of this with whatever shred of dignity this family has left? (Izzie, Cristina and Meredith are in the unused hallway sitting on a gurney) Meredith: You guys want to perform an unauthorized autopsy? Izzie: I know you, Cristina. You do not want to be known as the new 007. An autopsy clears your name. Meredith: Cristina, no. Izzie: What about Franklin's wife? You saw the way she was looking at me. She wants the autopsy. She just didn't want to fight with her daughter. She looked so sad. Ok, Cristina Yang, license to kill. Cristina: Ok, I'm in. Meredith: I am so not involved in this. Cristina: Meredith, this is Fight Club. Nobody talks about it. Meredith: Fine. Cristina: We have to do it when Bailey's not around. Izzie: Bailey's always around. She's everywhere and knows everything. Cristina: Well, we have to take our chances. Meredith: Bailey's got something tonight from 7 to 11. You two will be the last thing she's worried about. Cristina: How do you know that? Izzie: What kind of something? Meredith: Oh, I can't tell you that. It's Fight Club too. (Meredith runs off) Cristina: If I'm missing out on a real patient because of this, they're gonna call me 007 because I've killed you. (Derek enters the OR, the door has signs that read Do Not Enter-Closed For Maintenance. Richard is inside prepping for his surgery.) Derek: How we doing? Richard: Did you lock up the gallery? Derek: Don't worry. We're flying under the radar. What did you put out there, the Midas Rex? Bailey: We've got it, chief. Richard: How much cancomycin is there? Bailey: One gram, as ordered, sir. Richard: You're not gonna be too liberal with those benzos, are ya? Derek: You know, doctors make the worst patients. You should just breathe in the happy gas. Stop running my OR. I got you covered. (Cristina and Izzie have Mr. Franklin's body and are getting ready to start the autopsy) Izzie: We stole a body. We're body snatchers. What if somebody from the morgue comes looking for Franklin? Cristina: Well, A, it's in the middle of the night, and, B, the thing about being dead is people stop looking for you. Izzie: Ok. (Clears her throat and prepares to start) Cristina: When's the last time you did an autopsy? Izzie: I took gross anatomy just like you. I'm just trying to remember. Cristina: You know hold on. Hold on. Wait. Hold on. (She starts digging around for something and produces a text book) Izzie: You brought a textbook? Cristina: Uh, if we're gonna do this we're gonna do it right. Izzie: Ok. Cristina: Ok, got it. Izzie: You sure? Cristina: It's not like we can kill him twice. Izzie: Let me cut. Cristina: You'll get your turn. Izzie: You should really be using the ten-blade. Cristina: Will you stop backseat cutting? Go get the saw. (Derek is just finishing up Richard's surgery) Derek: Ok, I've sutured the drain in place. The staples look fine. All right, we're done here. Dr. Bailey, you want to wrap him? Bailey: I got it. Derek: Nice work, everybody. Nicely done. Bailey: Thanks. Derek: Good. Meredith: Do you think the optic nerve is damaged? Bailey: If it is, when he wakes up, he'll... Meredith: He'll be blind? For how long? Bailey: Forever. Page Stevens and Yang. Tell them I want them covering your patients. I need you to stay and monitor the chief. Meredith: Cristina and Izzie, um...I think they're already swamped. Bailey: With what? Meredith: Labs. They had to check on some labs. Bailey: Oh, you are lying. I know you're lying. You know how I know? Cause you're a bad liar! I hate a bad liar. (To surgeon) Take over for me. I know exactly where they are. Here. Take over for me. (Burke is talking to Holly outside of Bill's room) Burke: Your whole relationship is a lie. Holly: We're happy. We've wanted a child for a long time. Why do you want to take this away from him? Burke: Does he know you've been cheating on him? Holly: Preston, this is between Bill and me. Burke: Then man has a right to know that this isn't his child. Holly: Please, just let this go. Why can't you let this go? Burke: Because Bill is my best friend. That's why. Holly: If you were really his friend, you wouldn't do this. Burke: Holly, please! Tell him the truth! Holly: Why? I'm not gonna ruin my life, because you think this is wrong. Burke: Your life? What about his life? What about this child's life? Holly: What Bill doesn't know won't hurt him. Burke: Fine. Maybe his friend wouldn't tell him the truth. But I'm also his doctor, and his doctor is not going to lie to him. (Meredith is in the hall outside of Richard's room on the phone.) Meredith: I know but something came up, an important surgery and I couldn't. Ms. Henry: I'm just sorry you couldn't be there for your mother. Meredith: Ms. Henry, if my mother were lucid, she would understand. She's a surgeon. She's done this countless times. And besides that, she doesn't even know who I am, anyway, so... Ms. Henry: Today she did. Meredith: What? Ms. Henry: Your mother's been asking when her daughter Meredith gets off from work. (Derek walks up) Derek: Hey. Meredith: Hey. (Hanging up the phone) A lot of secret phone calls today. (After a long pause) Yeah, it's my mother. She isn't traveling. She isn't writing a book. She isn't anything. I've been lying to everyone. Derek: Why? Meredith: She has Alzheimer's. Derek: How advanced? Meredith: Very. She's in a home and I'm the only one who even knows she's sick. I just don't know what to do anymore, you know? (He kisses her forehead and smoothes her hair. Richard wakes up and this is the first thing he sees) (Cristina and Izzie are performing the autopsy when Bailey enters) Bailey: Don't even tell me you're doing what I think you're doing! Cristina: Um... Bailey: Not only did you disregard the family's wishes, you broke the law! You could be arrested for assault! Do you like jail? The hospital could be sued! I could lose my license, my job! I like my job! Did you think about any of this before you started cutting open a poor man's body? I could seriously kick both of your asses right now. Do you have anything to say? (Izzie picks up Mr. Franklin's heart from the scales) Izzie: Look at his heart. Bailey: It's huge! Izzie: It's over 600 grams, and there's some kind of grainy material in it. Cristina: We want to run some tests. Bailey: Oh, now you want to run tests? Cristina: At this point, what could it hurt? Bailey: I hate both of you right now. (Meredith enters Richard's room to check on him) Richard: Meredith? He's an attending. You're an intern. Meredith: You saw us? You can see. Richard: I'm gonna tell you what your mother would say if she were here. You're making a mistake, a big one. Meredith: And I would tell my mother it's not a mistake. (Izzie, Cristina and Bailey are in a conference room with Alice and Mrs. Franklin) Alice: We specifically said no autopsy. Bailey: I understand why you're upset. Alice: You understand? We're gonna get an attorney. Come on, Mom. Cristina: We know what killed him. He had a blood condition known as hemachromatosis. The disease causes an excess amount of iron to build up in the body, and that's what caused the heart failure, not the paracentesis. Alice: But I thought he was always so sick cause of the drinking. Mrs. Franklin: And you never let him forget it. Or me. Alice: Mom... Izzie: There's something else. The disease is genetic. Mrs. Franklin: You think Alice could have it too? Izzie: A simple blood test will tell us. If you have it, we'll have caught it early enough to treat it before the condition becomes critical. Bailey: Dr. Stevens and Dr. Yang may have saved your life. If you could just sign this consent form for the autopsy. Just a formality. MVO: The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. (George is looking in on Burke talking to Bill) MVO: Whether good or bad, at least they're out in the open, like it or not. (Olivia enters the locker room where George is sitting) George: Um, about before... Olivia: George, I want you to understand, when we started dating, I was already kind of seeing someone. I didn't know how much I'd like you, and when I realized, I broke it off with the other guy... George: Other guy? Who's the other guy? (Olivia looks up and George turns around to see Alex standing there) George: You and Alex? You and Alex?! (Screaming at Alex as he attacks him) You gave me syphilis?! Olivia, Izzie, Cristina, and Meredith: George! George! George! George, back off! (They pull George off of Alex) Meredith: Alex! Cristina: George! Izzie: Back off, Alex. (Meredith enters the lobby where Derek is waiting for her) MVO: And once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them anymore. Derek: Long day. Meredith: Yeah. Derek: Somewhere out this is a steak with your name on it and maybe a bottle of wine. Meredith: This is why I keep you around. Derek: So we need to talk. Meredith: Wine first, talk later. Derek: You trying to, uh, get me drunk so you can take advantage of me? Meredith: I think I like this rules thing. Derek: Me too. (Derek helps her fix her coat and they turn to leave. A stunning red headed woman is standing there and Derek is wide eyed) Derek: (Turning to Meredith) Meredith, I am so sorry. MVO: The problem with secrets is even when you think you're in control... (The woman walks over) Derek: Addison. MVO: ...you're not. Derek: What are you doing here? Addison: Well, you'd know if you'd bothered to return any one of my phone calls. Addison: (To Meredith) Hi. I'm Addison Shepherd. (They shake hands) Meredith: Shepherd? Addison: (Pointing at Meredith) And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband. (Meredith looks at Addison and then at Derek)

An outbreak of a sexually transmitted disease affects several members of the hospital staff, prompting Chief Webber to call a meeting. Meanwhile, the chief reluctantly confides to Dr. Shepherd about his own medical concerns; Izzie and Cristina are worried by a patient's wife and daughter who are at odds over his care; Burke treats Bill, a college buddy whose medical diagnosis raises some questions regarding his wife's actions; and, just as Meredith and Derek grow more intimate, a bombshell is dropped, on the season finale of Grey's Anatomy .

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_04x18

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_04x18_0

[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CASINO - MAIN FLOOR - NIGHT] (A large man in a leather jacket and sporting a beard walks into the casino. He stops in the aisle and looks around. Most of the people continue about their business without sparing him a second glance.) (He sees something across the room and heads straight for it. He turns through the aisle and barrels into an elderly man, pushing him aside.) Tony Sciarra: (mutters) Get out of the way! (The man continues walking across the room and we see that he's following someone who really isn't noticing that he's being targeted.) (The MAN in the blue shirt walks past the various displays.) The MAN in the leather jacket continues to follow him. He turns the corner and sees the door "TO PARKING" closing shut. He pauses a moment getting angrier by the second. Suddenly he moves forward, kicks the door open and walks through into the parking structure.) FLASH TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] (BRASS and GRISSOM kneel over the body of the late TONY SCIARRA, the man in the leather jacket.) Brass: Wow, that had to hurt. (GRISSOM reaches into the leather jacket pocket and pulls out several chips.) Brass: Well, robbery wasn't a motive. Grissom: His eyes took the brunt of the punishment. Brass: If you can't see, you can't fight back. (GRISSOM notices the blood under the man's finger nails along with several strands of light-colored hair.) Grissom: No. But he may have tried. (BRASS reaches into the jacket pocket and pulls out a PENNSYLVANIA DRIVER'S LICENSE. It reads: TONY SCIARRA 7259 W. PORT ST. PHILADELPHIA PA 19078 Brass: Tony Sciarra. From Philadelphia. Grissom: So much for brotherly love. (GRISSOM looks up at BRASS.) FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CASINO PARKING STRUCTURE -- NIGHT] (The camera flashes. WARRICK snaps photos while CATHERINE gathers evidence. She picks up a tooth off the floor and puts it in a bindle. She picks up the second tooth and puts it in another bindle. They work quietly and efficiently.) [CASINO HALLWAY TO PARKING LOT -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM stands just inside the doorway to the parking lot looking out through the open door over the crime scene tape to where the body is. He turns when BRASS starts to report his findings.) Brass: Our victim Tony just checked into the hotel. He hadn't even unpacked. Grissom: He made enemies fast. Brass: Yeah, old man at the casino, who he knocked down, said the same thing. He was hauling ass. Grissom: Why? [PARKING STRUCTURE] (CATHERINE shines her flashlight on the blood-spattered wall. She turns and gets a swab to take a sample of the blood on the floor next to TONY SCIARRA'S head.) Catherine: Blood drops are medium to large. Low-velocity spatter. No castoff. (WARRICK watches from the side.) Warrick: Maybe he wasn't beaten with a weapon. Catherine: Hand to hand? Warrick: I know this guy's yoked. He's what? 6'2"? 6'3"? Catherine: Size doesn't matter when you're outnumbered. (Quick flashback to: TONY SCIARRA'S on the floor being held while he's being punched repeatedly in the face.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (WARRICK leans over and gets a good look at the battered face.) Warrick: Damn. (He leans over and snaps a photo.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CASINO - SECURITY CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT] (SARA and NICK review the security camera video. On it, they see TONY SCIARRA bump into an old man and push him aside. He continues down the aisle.) Sara: Here's our vic. Leaving the floor. Surveillance Tech: And the cameras. No eyes in the corridors or the rest rooms. Nick: Yeah, well, we know where he went. Just show us where he came from, please. (The SURVEILLANCE TECH rewinds the tape and they see TONY SCIARRA over at the crap table. He stands next to a man in a blue shirt.) Nick: Whoa. Whoa. That's good. Start it from right there. (They stop rewinding the tape. The tape plays and they watch as the man in the blue shirt grabs a chip off TONY SCIARRA'S pile.) Sara: Did you see that? Nick: Yeah, the little guy on the right just snaked him. (They watch as TONY SCIARRA rolls again and the man in the blue shirt grabs another chip off of his pile.) Sara: You've got to be kidding me. He just did it again. Nick: Two for two. Sara: That guy has got stones going after a mark as big as Tony. Nick: He knows he has backup. Is the third time a charm? (The tape continues and they watch as the man in the blue shirt lifts another chip off of TONY'S pile.) Nick: Yes, it is. (TONY notices the slight.) Sara: Busted. (On the monitor, they watch as the two men have words with each other.) Nick: Accusations from Tony. He's getting hot. Sara: Some kind of denial from the little guy. Nick: Tony got worked. Just wanted his money back. Sara: We're going to need a still of the little guy's face, if you could. Surveillance Tech: You got it. (Camera moves in on the man in the blue shirt standing at the craps table.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (Open on the monitor of TONY SCIARRA'S beaten face. DR. ALBERT ROBBINS goes over the preliminary findings with GRISSOM.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Fractures to the zygomatic, ethmoidal, nasal bones. Also the mandible and maxilla. How many teeth did you find at the scene? Grissom: Two. (DR. ALBERT ROBBINS pries open the lips and shows the missing teeth to GRISSOM.) Dr. Albert Robbins: He's missing six. I found one in the back of his mouth. He probably swallowed the other three. I'll check his stomach. Grissom: Blood evidence at the scene suggests that his attackers did not use a weapon. Dr. Albert Robbins: Contusions are nondescript. No foreign tool marks. Grissom: Bare knuckles? Dr. Albert Robbins: That's what I'm thinking. Multiple blows to the head produced angular acceleration and deceleration in the brain. (Quick CGI flashback to: TONY SCIARRA'S on the floor. The man hits his head with his fist. A CGI view of TONY'S brains jiggle upon impact.) (Slow motion of another hit to TONY'S head. Blood spurts from his mouth.) Dr. Albert Robbins: (V.O.) Twisting of the brain causes the bridging veins to rip. From there it's all downhill. The axons within the white matter of the brain begin to snap. (Camera zooms into TONY'S head to show us a lovely graphic shot of the bridging veins ripping. Lovely.) (End of CGI flashback. Resume to present.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Officially, COD is diffuse axonal injury. Unofficially ... it's the most brutal beating I've ever seen. (GRISSOM places his left hand over the bruise pattern on the body.) Grissom: Neck bruises were made by a left hand? (He points to another set of bruises.) Grissom: What about these bruises? Dr. Albert Robbins: Well, there's no defensive wounds on the hands or forearm. So I'm guessing it was restrained. Bruises could be somebody's knees on his chest. Grissom: So a hand on his throat, knees on his chest, his head was butted up against a wall, and all the blows were directed at his face. Dr. Albert Robbins: That doesn't leave much room for any other attackers to get their licks in. Grissom: Maybe there were no other attackers. (Quick flashback to: A hallway view of one man beating the crap out of TONY SCIARRA while holding him down on the floor. TONY grunts and groans with each hit.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Dr. Albert Robbins: One guy did all this? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL / CASINO - NIGHT] (BRASS questions HOUSEKEEPER. He shows her the surveillance video photo of the man in the blue shirt at the craps table.) Brass: So you're sure this was the man you saw? Housekeeper: Yes. I was in the bathroom. (Quick flashback to: [BATHROOM] The MAN IN THE BLUE SHIRT walks past the bathroom. He goes over to the sink and washes his hands. Standing on the side, she watches him.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Housekeeper: I waited for him to leave. Then I called security. Brass: Do you see this man now? (She hesitates.) Brass: All you have to do is nod. (She looks around the room and sees the back of the man's head. He's wearing a white shirt and sitting at the table. She nods.) Brass: Thanks. (They turn and look at the man at the table immediately recognizing him. NICK whispers to BRASS.) Nick: ID's off. We're looking for a blue shirt and jeans. Brass: He could have ditched the clothes. Let's be smart about this. [COFFEE SHOP - CONTINUOUS] (BRASS opens the door to the coffee shop and walks inside. NICK and a couple of officers follow him. They walk up to the man. They notice the missing hair and blood smears on his skin behind his ear.) (BRASS stops behind them man.) Brass: Las Vegas Police. Put your hands behind your head and stand up. (The man pauses from taking a bite of his burger. He doesn't move.) Brass: Come on. (The man puts his burger down. He stands up and puts his hands behind his head. The OFFICER grabs him and puts the cuffs on him.) (In the process he turns the man around. He looks at BRASS and sneers.) (The officer leads the MAN away. BRASS watches them go.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (BRASS interviews WALTER DARIAN. GRISSOM stands on the side and watches. BRASS walks up to WALTER DARIAN and speaks in a low voice into the DARIAN'S ear.) Brass: You're not much of a talker, are you, Walter? (He leans in close and continues talking. WALKTER DARIAN doesn't move.) Brass: I'll tell you. You must be a pretty tough guy to take on Tony. A guy as big as that? He's huge. That's his name, you know? Tony Sciarro from Philadelphia. (GRISSOM watches the exchange.) Brass: Do you know Tony? How come you left his wallet and $500 in chips in his pocket, huh? That makes me think that this was about something else. (WALTER DARIAN clenches his handcuffed fists. BRASS continues.) Brass: Did he ... wrong you in some way? He hurt you? (WALTER DARIAN doesn't answer.) Brass: Huh? (BRASS steps back.) Brass: Maybe it was just a ... lover's quarrel. Walter Darian: I'm not soft. Brass: That's okay. This is Vegas. But that's not what we saw on the video. You're at the crap table. You swiped his chips. And then you whispered sweet nothings in his ear. What did you say? Walter Darian: Give me a reason. Brass: That a confession? Walter Darian: No. (He turns to look at BRASS.) That's what I said. Brass: That stare doesn't work on me. But save it. Because they're going to love you in prison. Grissom: Mr. Darian, may I see your fingers? Walter Darian: Why? (GRISSOM steps forward and places a clean sheet of paper under WALTER DARIAN'S hands.) Grissom: Well, because you may have evidence underneath the fingernails, and I'd like to collect it. (He reaches out and grabs his hand and suddenly lets go as if burned. GRISSOM takes a step back. WALTER DARIAN glances at GRISSOM.) (GRISSOM looks at BRASS who edges closer to WALTER DARIAN just in case something happens.) (GRISSOM cautiously reaches out again and takes ahold of WALTER DARIAN'S hand as he prepares to scrape under his fingernails.) Grissom: Mr. Darian, do you have a fever? (WALTER DARIAN'S eyes grow wide as GRISSOM scrapes under his fingernails. GRISSOM glances at him several times and continues to scrape.) (Suddenly, DARIAN yells and lunges out of his seat. He goes for GRISSOM'S neck, pushing him back all the way to the wall.) Brass: Hey! Hey! WALTER DARIAN: I'll kill you. (BRASS pries DARIAN off of GRISSOM. The other OFFICERS join in trying to subdue DARIAN. He pushes back and one of the OFFICERS hits the glass wall shattering it. He pushes another OFFICER off of him and down to the floor.) (WALTER DARIAN puts up a fight. There's an OFFICER holding him from behind, but he still manages to hit and push away the other THREE OFFICERS. He screams and grunts.) (Finally, an OFFICER takes out his club and starts hitting him into submission.) Officer: Down. Down. OFFICER: Down. Down. (BRASS stands to the side and watches. GRISSOM stands in the back and watches. WALTER DARIAN slowly goes down to the floor, grunting along the way. Finally, he's quiet.) (BRASS checks DARIAN'S neck for a pulse.) Brass: Jeez. (He can't find any.) (GRISSOM watches from the back.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (DAVID PHILLIPS sticks the meat thermometer into the deceased's liver. The temperature reads 101.5. CATHERINE glances at DAVID.) Catherine: You might want to check that. David Phillips: I did. (He picks up his pen and notates the final findings on the paper. CATHERINE sees something and stands up. She sees GRISSOM standing quietly to the side, leaning against the wall, a hand rubbing the back of his neck. Quietly freaked.) [HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS] (SHERIFF RORY ATWATER arrives. He's also rubbing the back of his own neck. He heads toward BRASS who's leaning a shoulder up against the wall.) Brass: It's not as bad as it looks. Sheriff Rory Atwater: It never looks too good when a suspects dies in custody. (The SHERIFF sighs.) Brass: What are you saying, Rory? You'd rather it be one of us? Sheriff Rory Atwater: No, that's not what I'm saying. If I was here, I'd have been in there with you, you know that. (He paces the floor.) I assume we're going to come out looking like the bad guy again. (CATHERINE steps out into the hallway. She notes the SHERIFF talking with BRASS. They both note her as she looks at them. She heads over to GRISSOM.) Catherine: You okay? (He stops rubbing his neck and waves away her concern.) Grissom: I'm fine. (CATHERINE reaches out and looks at the reddish-burn/bruise on GRISSOM'S neck.) Catherine: Nasty. That kind of looks like a hickey. (She sighs.) You want to tell me what got this party started? Grissom: I scraped his nails. Catherine: That's it? Grissom: What was his liver temp? Catherine: 101.5. Grissom: He's been dead an hour. That means his body temperature was 103. I touched his skin, Catherine. He felt like he was on fire. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE] (SARA and NICK stand just outside WALTER DARIAN'S car. It is packed with stuff. Stuff, stuff and more stuff.) Sara: How did Walter Darian even drive this thing? Nick: Where there's a will, there's a way. PD found it in the Orpheus parking lot. (They open the car door and sees the blood-stained clothes.) Sara: Blue shirt and jeans right on top. (She picks it up.) He didn't even try to hide them. (She tests the blood for blood.) Sara: Positive for blood. I'll get it to Greg. Nick: So this scumbag, Walter Darian, he beats a guy to death, goes out to his car, changes clothes and then goes back into the casino, washes his hands and just gets something to eat. Sara: Just another day. Nick: Wow. (NICK turns and looks inside a box in the car. It's filled with chips. NICK'S impressed.) Nick: Whoa ... yahtzee. (He takes the box out of the car and puts it on the table. He opens it and looks at it.) Nick: Whoa. Must be a few thousand dollars' worth of chips here. (He picks up a couple of chips.) Nick: So, he grifts, but doesn't cash in? Sara: Maybe it wasn't about the money. I got gloves, a t-shirt and a jacket all with the tags still on them. Maybe he just likes to steal things. (NICK drops the chips in the box and turns to look at what else is in the car. He pulls out a woman's waitress blouse. He reads the tag.) Nick: "Road side diner, Libby." Sara. (SARA turns around. NICK holds it up to show her the blouse. SARA drops what she's looking at and walks over toward NICK.) Sara: What does that look like to you? (Camera zooms in to focus on the two small burn holes in the blouse.) Nick: Burn holes. Sara: The guy takes on five cops in their house. Makes you wonder what he might have done to a waitress. (NICK and SARA look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (ROBBINS is picking at the body on the table when GRISSOM walks in.) Robbins: Didn't get enough of this guy in the interrogation room? Grissom: I have a question. Robbins: Yes? Grissom: Cause of death? Robbins: Well, it wasn't the nightstick action. (ROBBINS picks up the pan with the heart in it and shows it to GRISSOM.) Robbins: Cardiac arrhythmia. His heart rate increased till he went into tachycardia. Started throwing PVCs and then v-fib. Grissom: Prior condition? Robbins: Nothing I could find. The guy had a big heart-550 grams-- but otherwise healthy. Grissom: (sighs) This guy was pumped up before the fight. White knuckles, veins popping. Robbins: Well, he could have been on something -- tox is pending -- but there were no observable effects of long-term drug abuse. No atrophy, cirrhosis, tissue necrosis. I checked all the hot spots. Grissom: He had a temperature of 103 when he died. Any pathology to explain that? Robbins: The organs showed no sign of infection or disease. Grissom: So there was nothing wrong with this guy. Robbins: Well, I'll send a tissue sample to histology, but 98.6 is just an average. Some people run hot. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM] (SHERRIF RORY ATWATER breaks the news to BETH DARIAN.) Sheriff Rory Atwater: See, during questioning, your brother became a little ... unruly, and, uh... so for their own safety, the officers had no choice but to use force. At which point ... Beth Darian: I've heard enough. Sheriff Rory Atwater: Ms. Darian, it's very important that you understand the situation here. Beth Darian: I do. Walter was killed in police custody. (He sighs. This doesn't look good. He turns and sees GRISSOM in the doorway walking toward them.) Sheriff Rory Atwater: Uh, let me introduce Gil Grissom from the crime lab. This is Beth Darian, the ... Grissom: I was in the room with your brother. Beth Darian: Was that how he touched your life? Grissom: The autopsy concluded that your brother's death was not the result of the officers' use of force. Beth Darian: I don't care how he died. I'm just relieved that it's over. (GRISSOM and the SHERIFF share a surprised look.) Beth Darian: Walter hurt a lot of people. If you had something he wanted, he just took it. And if you got in his way ... I always kept my distance. Grissom: Ms. Darian, your brother's body temperature was ... Beth Darian: ... hot to the touch? He was always that way, ever since we were kids. Sheriff Rory Atwater: I'll have someone from the department contact you, all right, Ms. Darian? Beth Darian: Always knew that Walter would end up in jail or dead. (She looks up and notices the reddish-burn/bruise on GRISSOM'S neck.) I'm sorry. (Suddenly conscious of it, GRISSOM tugs his shirt collar up to cover it somewhat.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DESERT (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. NO VACANCY MOTEL - DAY] (WARRICK and GRISSOM step out of the car. WARRICK walks around the car toward GRISSOM.) Warrick: Gris, what are you hoping to find here? Grissom: Walter Darian lived here. He owned the place. Warrick: Well, Greg ran the DNA. The blood on Walter's clothes is a match to Tony. The hair in Tony's hands is a match to Walter's. This case is closed, isn't it? (They head toward the building.) Grissom: That case is closed. Warrick: We can't prosecute a dead man. (They pause in front of the door.) Grissom: "The evil men do lives after them. The good is oft interred with their bones." Warrick: Shakespeare? Grissom: Julius Caesar. (GRISSOM opens the door and walks inside.) [INT. NO VACANCY MOTEL - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Inside, they find the place just as cluttered as his car.) Warrick: Whew. This guy never threw anything away. You think he had a major case of OCD? Grissom: Well ... if Walter viewed his world as a threatening place, according to the shrinks, the hoarding of useless objects may have made him feel safe and secure. Warrick: Yeah, well, in the real world, Walter's the threat. Guess he didn't like what he saw. (They look around the place. GRISSOM looks outside and sees a long piece of plastic blowing in the wind.) [EXT. NO VACANCY MOTEL - BACKYARD - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM pushes aside the plastic and sees the wheelbarrow with various supplies. He pushes aside the nearly empty bag of cement and picks up the tool used to smooth out cement. He looks at it, then looks around. Meanwhile, WARRICK is walking around the backyard looking around. He kneels down next to a large block of cement.) Warrick: Hey, Grissom. (GRISSOM turns around. WARRICK steps onto the cement block.) Warrick: This doesn't look like a patio. (They share a look; they share a thought.) [EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. ROADSIDE DINER - DAY] (The WAITRESS pours the customer a cup of coffee as she thinks.) Waitress: Libby ... Libby ... oh, yeah, dish girl. (She turns to look at SARA and NICK who are there following up on the waitress' blouse found in the back of DARIAN'S car.) Sara: She have a last name? Waitress: Sure, she does, but I don't know it. Nick: When's the last time you saw her? Waitress: Eight years ago. The kid had no chops. (Quick flashback to: [INT. ROADSIDE DINER - KITCHEN] LIBBY'S at the stove and burns herself.) Libby: Ouch! Waitress: (V.O.) Burned herself real good. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Waitress: That was her first and last day. Sara: We need an ID. Is there any chance you still have a W2 lying around or a copy of her driver's license? Waitress: Girl wasn't here long enough to refill the coffee pot, let alone sign anything. I don't know where she came from, don't know where she went. Nick: What about this guy? You ever see him with Libby? (NICK holds out the photo of WALTER DARIAN. The WAITRESS looks at it and shakes her head.) Waitress: I ain't gettin' nothin'. (The order bell dings.) Waitress: Sorry. Order's up. (She turns and leaves to get the order.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NO VACANCY MOTEL - BACKYARD - DAY] (WARRICK uses the jackhammer on the cement block.) (GRISSOM pushes the wheelbarrow. There are other people from FORENSICS helping out to clean up the backyard.) (Various FADE INS from day to night they chip away at the cement block.) (WARRICK uses the shovel to dig out more dirt and hits something. GRISSOM immediately stops and turns around. WARRICK freezes.) Warrick: Only one thing makes that sound. (GRISSOM gets out the small digging tool and brush. He hands them to WARRICK. WARRICK uses the brush and reveals the skull underneath.) Grissom: Well ... I guess there was no more room at the inn. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NO VACANCY MOTEL -- NIGHT] (OFFICER cars swarm around the front of the NO VACANCY MOTEL. BRASS heads over to the grave site. The OFFICER holds the tape down so he can walk over it. He heads over to the pit where GRISSOM and WARRICK are working.) (Inside, he sees the pile of bones. WARRICK dusts while GRISSOM takes pictures. WARRICK brushes aside some dirt to reveal a wedding ring.) Warrick: It's a wedding band. Brass: You think this is the waitress Nick and Sara are looking for? Grissom: Well, there's no clothing left. The wedding band could be either/or. There's nothing gender-specific yet. Warrick: Next to no tissue. No hairs at all. To get the bones, what do you think, Grissom? Been down here at least three years? (GRISSOM leans forward a sniffs deeply. Go figure.) Grissom: No, it's probably more than three years. (BRASS doesn't believe it.) Brass: You're kidding me, right? Grissom: Well, the rule of thumb is if the skull smells bad, it's usually under three years. This one smells like dirt. Warrick: There's something under the pelvic bone. (WARRICK brushes the dirt aside to reveal a knife. GRISSOM snaps a bunch of photos.) Grissom: Possible murder weapon. (WARRICK picks it up.) Warrick: You think we could still get any DNA off of it? Grissom: Any blood's been exposed to the elements longer than the inside of these bones. Warrick: There's no skin, clothing or tissue to protect it. Brass: Doesn't fit. Walter was a fighter. Used his fists, not knives, you know? Grissom: Well, we haven't known him that long. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (ROBBINS goes over the bones with WARRICK.) Robbins: Forehead's upright, smooth. Mandible's small. Lower face narrow. Warrick: Female traits. Robbins: Yeah. Pelvis confirms it. It's wide for the birth canal. No pits in the pubic bone -- she never gave birth. Warrick: What about her race? Robbins: Zygomatic bones retreat, slant back. Nasal opening's long and narrow. Warrick: Caucasian. Robbins: Mm. Around 5'4". I estimated her height from the length of the femur. Warrick: How old are we talking? Robbins: Well ... third molars haven't erupted. No wisdom teeth. Warrick: So that would put her in her late teens, early 20s. Robbins: Eh, it's a safe estimate. Warrick: Cause of death? Robbins: Strangulation. Fracture to the hyoid bone. Warrick: What about these right here? Robbins: Fractures to the zygomatic bone and maxilla ... also the left ulna ... but no tool marks on any of the bones. Warrick: So maybe she was punched in the face and tried to shield herself? Robbins: Yeah. Walter Darian strangled a female Caucasian, 5'4", around 20 years old. Warrick: Yeah, but is it our missing waitress? Robbins: Well, I, uh, did dental charts, x-rays. David's off and running with 'em now. I also excised a portion of the femur, scraped a tissue sample from inside the pelvis, and yanked a molar. If there's any usable DNA left, that's where it'll be. Warrick: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT] (GRISSOM'S sitting at his desk reading a book. CATHERINE walks in.) Catherine: How'd you know there was another body at that motel? Grissom: I didn't. (GRISSOM picks up the test results.) Grissom: Tox and histology results came back on Walter Darian. Negative across the board. No drugs, no diseases. I don't get it. The guy was 38 years old, and this was his first arrest. Catherine: And you're wondering what he'd been doing all his life. (CATHERINE'S phone rings. She answers it.) Catherine: Willows. (She pauses, then turns her back to GRISSOM and laughs quietly into the phone.) Catherine: (softly) Why don't you hold that thought until later? (GRISSOM waits for her. CATHERINE hangs up, then turns around to look at GRISSOM. She clears her throat.) Catherine: Sorry. A new friend. Grissom: Congratulations. (GREG walks up to the office and lingers in the doorway.) Greg: Got time for something a little weird? (CATHERINE turns around and looks at GREG.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY / DNA LAB - NIGHT] (GREG leads CATHERINE and GRISSOM into the lab.) Greg: I recovered DNA from your Jane Doe skeleton. Clean samples from the molar and femur ... but no hits in CODIS. Catherine: So Jane Doe was never reported missing. Greg: Apparently not. I also pulled DNA from the pelvic sample. A mixture: Foreign DNA from a male. Grissom: Walter Darian. Greg: No. That's where it gets weird. (He opens a file folder.) Greg: The foreign DNA was homozygous. Hit all 13 loci. One peep per marker. Catherine: Shared alleles, so it was either a father or a son. Grissom: According to the autopsy, she never gave birth. Catherine: So it was a father. Greg: Okay, so how'd it get there? The tissue was from inside the pelvis, so even if daddy's blood or semen got on her clothes or skin, it never would've survived being in the ground all that time. Grissom: So there has to be an additional biological source, 'cause there was no one else in that grave. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB - NIGHT] (NICK watches as ARCHIE works on a computer composite of the skull.) Nick: That's all I got. No name, no tissue, no hair. Archie: I like a challenge. Nick: Pull up the standard tissue thickness scale for female American caucasoids. Use the normal figures. (ARCHIE starts to reconstruct the skull on the computer according to NICK'S instructions.) Nick: Apply the midline measurements. Good. Now the bilateral. Archie: That's the blueprint. Nick: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. WALTER DARIAN'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT] (The OFFICERS continue to move out packages of evidence into the back of the truck.) [INT. WALTER DARIAN'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT] (WARRICK snaps photos of the various things in the living room. He turns and snaps photos of the typewriter on the desk. He closes the typewriter cover.) Warrick: Okay, you can take this. (He turns and takes photos of the printer.) (CATHERINE snaps photos of the things in the kitchen. She turns and sees the large fist-sized hole in the wall. She takes her hand, makes a fist and measures it to the hole in the wall.) [INT. CSI - A/V LAB - NIGHT] (ARCHIE continues working on the computer composite. The skull has a layer of muscles on it. He adds eyes to the image.) (NICK stands in front of the monitor watching.) [INT. WALTER DARIAN'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT] (WARRICK opens a box and sees a leopard-patterned scarf out. He pulls out a pink scarf and snaps a photo of it. He also finds a red baseball cap He looks on the inside and sees some strands of hair with tags on them. He places a strand in a bindle.) [INT. CSI - A/V LAB - NIGHT] (ARCHIE continues to work on the composite. He adds a nose to the image. A pair of lips is added. He hits a key and the image is covered with skin.) Nick: Long skull. Prominent nose and chin. Archie: Maybe nordic descent. That means ... light complexion, hair ... and ... blue-green eyes. (ARCHIE finishes up the picture. NICK nods approvingly.) [INT. WALTER DARIAN'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT] (CATHERINE looks around and sees a suitcase. She takes the suitcase out and opens it. Inside she finds maternity clothes and a torn photo of a very pregnant young blonde woman. She also finds the other half of the photo of a young dark-haired man. Catherine: Warrick. (She shows them to him and goes through the clothes.) Catherine: These have got to be maternity clothes. (WARRICK flips the photo over and reads the writing on the back: AND BABY MAKES THREE! / LOVE, SEAN. Warrick: "And baby makes three." (CATHERINE finds a wallet and looks at the Nevada driver's license inside. For MARISSA CLEARY 1153 STONE CREEK LAS VEGAS, NV 89154 Catherine: Her name's not Libby. [INT. CSI - LAB - NIGHT] (CATHERINE fills GRISSOM in on the identity of the bones.) Catherine: Dental records confirm our Jane Doe was Marissa Cleary. Grissom: Which leaves our missing waitress Libby still unaccounted for. Catherine: The foreign DNA in her pelvis wasn't from her father. It was from her son. Grissom: There was no evidence of a fetus or a baby in that grave. She never gave birth. Catherine: Not through her birth canal. There's other ways to deliver a baby. Grissom: Well, that might explain the hunting knife we found. (Quick flashback to: [INT. DARIAN'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT] WALTER DARIAN chokes MARISSA CLEARY. She's lying on the floor gagging. WALTER takes the knife and plunges it down into her ... ) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: The umbilical cord contains fetal DNA. (Quick CGI POV of the umbilical cord drying up. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Grissom: Walter Darian never threw anything out ... So where'd the baby go? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM -- NIGHT] (BRASS and CATHERINE interview SEAN CLEARY.) Sean Cleary: Eight years. I never thought she was dead. I wondered where she was, at she was doing with her life. What my kid was like. Catherine: Mr. Cleary, we haven't found any evidence to suggest that your son ... Sean Cleary: (interrupts) My son? You mean it was a boy? Catherine: Yes. Sean Cleary: Well, can I see him? Is he dead, too? Brass: We don't know. Sean Cleary: Marissa and I had only been seeing each other for a few months, and everything was great. And then she got pregnant, so we got married. And all of a sudden, she hates me, I hate her. All we did was fight. Then she calls me one night at work. (Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] SEAN CLEARY is talking on the phone.) Marissa Cleary: (from phone) (sobbing) You don't want me in your life, fine. I'm gone! Sean Cleary: (to phone) Good! It's the best news I've heard all year. (He hangs up and throws the cell phone into the open car window.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sean Cleary: That was the last time we spoke. Brass: And you never reported her missing? Sean Cleary: I didn't think she was. I was 19. Barely out of high school. Catherine: Last thing you needed was a family. Sean Cleary: She was in her ninth month when she split. I thought she'd cool off in a couple of days, come back, we would work things out. But then I got this. (He takes out a note and shows it to CATHERINE. She reads the note.) Sean Cleary: (recites from memory) "You're not who I thought you were. You don't want me. You don't want this baby. We don't want you. Marissa." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (GREG removes the hair sample from the bindle. He processes the tag.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - QUESTIONED DOCTUMENTS LAB] (RONNIE LITRE uses the signature on the driver's license and compares it to the signature on the note. He explains his findings to CATHERINE.) Ronnie Litre: All right, you see the long legs she gives to her "M," and how it stands alone? Catherine: Mm-hmm. Ronnie Litre: Now look at the Dear John letter. This is not Marissa's signature ... just a quick and dirty forgery. Catherine: My money's on Walter. Ronnie Litre: Well, I can't tell you anything without an exemplar. Catherine: Yeah, well, Warrick's going through his stuff now. Ronnie Litre: From what I hear, that's going to take a while. Catherine: So, what about this text? Ronnie Litre: Uh, not typed - printed uh, off an inkjet, and so far, all of Walter's accumulated printers are dot matrix. No match. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (WARRICK hang sup a shirt on the rack. Surrounding him are the stacks of envelopes and evidence packages of the things gathered from WALTER DARIAN'S place. WARRICK picks up a package, opens it and removes a LAS VEGAS shirt out from it with blood stains on it. The back of the shirt reads: ... NEVER SLEEPS.) [INT. CSI - ANOTHER LAB] (SARA examines the envelope MARISSA'S note came in. It's addressed to: SEAN CLEARY 8824 SANDY CREEK RD. LAS VEGAS, NV 89123 (She examines the cancelled stamp mark on the envelope.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (GREG reports his findings to GRISSOM and CATHERINE.) Greg: Warrick found a baseball cap in Walter's motel. Yielded a blond hair. DNA was still good, which means the hair was no more than a few years old. It was Marissa's son. Catherine: So, he'd be eight now. Assuming he's still alive. (SARA calls out from the doorway.) Sara: Hey, guys, I've been working on that John Doe envelope. The postmark was Henderson. Catherine: The Bates Motel is in Sloan. Why would Walter go that far out of his way to mail a letter? Grissom: He wouldn't. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BETH DARIAN'S RESIDENCE - DAY] (CATHERINE interviews BETH DARIAN as GRISSOM stands quietly against the desk near the window.) Beth Darian: Well, I moved to Henderson to get away from Walter. I stayed out of his life, hoping he'd stay out of mine. Didn't matter that I was his sister. He treated me like he did everybody else. Catherine: Do you recognize this woman? (CATHEIRNE shows her a taped and photocopied picture of MARISSA and SEAN CLEARY.) Beth Darian: No. Who is she? Catherine: Her name is Marissa Cleary. We believe she was a guest in your brother's motel eight years ago. Beth Darian: He killed her, didn't he? Grissom: We think so. Beth Darian: Oh, I wonder what she did to set him off. Catherine: I don't know. I'm sure it wasn't much. (Quick flashback to: [MOTEL - NIGHT] MARISSA CLEARY is on the phone with SEAN. She's crying.) Marissa Cleary: (to phone) (crying) You don't want me in your life. Fine. I'm gone! (Through the thin walls from the next room, WALTER can hear her on the phone.) Sean Cleary: (from phone) Good! It's the best news I've heard all year. (She throws the phone at the wall. WALTER stands up and starts pounding on the wall. MARISSA is crying. She picks up the photo from her luggage and tears it in two.) (WALTER continues to pound on the wall hard enough to punch holes in the drywall. MARISSA hits the wall and shouts.) Marissa Cleary: Shut up! Shut up. Damn it! (WALTER bursts through the door, grabs MARISSA and hits her. He pushes her back on the bed and chokes her.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Beth Darian: He could always find an excuse for anything that he did. (She glances at her watch and notes the time: 3:40.) Catherine: Are we keeping you from something? Beth Darian: No. It makes me really uncomfortable talking about Walter. (BETH removes her sweater showing the burn marks on her right arm.) Catherine: Did Walter give you those burns? Beth Darian: No, that was, uh ... an accident on the job many, many years ago. Grissom: When you used to be a waitress, Libby? Beth Darian: Nobody's called me that in years. How did you know? Grissom: We found your old waitress uniform in Walter's car. Beth Darian: I, I had that job for one day. I was a lousy waitress. Why would he keep that? (Outside, the bus stops in front of the house, the door opens and kids exit the bus. A cute blonde-haired kid runs out of the bus and into the house.) Martin Darian: Hi, mom. Beth Darian: Hey, baby. (MARTIN DARIAN gives his mom a hug; she kisses him on the cheek.) Beth Darian: Why don't you take your stuff and put it in your room? I'll make you a snack. (He turns and looks at the CSIs.) Grissom: How old is that little guy? Beth Darian: He's going to be nine next month. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI] (CATHERINE takes a swab sample from MARTIN.) [HALLWAY] (GRISSOM takes a swab sample from SEAN CLEARY. GRISSOM caps the sample and steps aside. SEAN CLEARY looks into the room at MARTIN who turns and looks at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (CATHERINE puts the test results on the table as she and GRISSOM re-interview BETH DARIAN.) Catherine: You're not his mother. Beth Darian: I'm the only mother he's ever known. I raised him; I had to. (Quick flashback to: [BETH'S HOUSE] She's sitting in the living room reading a book when WALTER pounds on the door. She can hear a baby crying.) (She opens the door and WALTER walks in carrying the baby. He gives the baby to her, then walks out.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Middle of the night, your brother shows up and hands you a baby. You don't ask any questions. You don't report it. Beth Darian: Walter said that the mother was a runaway, and that she didn't want the baby. I took him in. I love him. Grissom: How did Martin get the scar on his forehead? Beth Darian: I don't know. Grissom: Or you didn't want to know. (Quick flashback to: [MOTEL ROOM] MARISSA'S on the bed, her eyes wide-open. WALTER holds the knife up high.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (CATHERINE shows BETH the note.) Catherine: Marissa Cleary didn't sign that note. Grissom: And we don't think Walter wrote it, either. Beth Darian: I'm not like Walter. When I opened the suitcase, and I saw the photograph ... I didn't want the father to suffer. (Quick flashback to: [BETH'S PLACE] BETH is sitting at her desk typing out a note on the computer. She looks down at both halves of the photo on the desk along with MARISSA'S driver's license..) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: The suitcase was in Walter's closet. Beth Darian: I took it back. I didn't want it around me. I knew that he would never notice. (CATHERINE gives GRISSOM a "I can't believe this" look.) Beth Darian: Giving me Martin ... was the only good thing that Walter ever did. I don't know why he did it. But it wasn't out of the goodness of his heart. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY/ LAB] (GRISSOM rounds the corner. He's reading a file folder on his way to the lab. He walks into the lab now cluttered with boxed and packaged evidence from WALTER DARIAN'S MOTEL.) (GRISSOM puts the file folder down on the table. He picks up a pair of latex gloves and puts them on. He opens the first package and removes a white bloody shirt and starts examining it.)

A violent murder in a casino parking garage and another episode in the police interview room lead the CSIs to one shocking discovery after another. The case involves a missing woman, a long dead body and a missing child.

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_04x14

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_04x14_0

In the auditorium, during play rehearsal Danny: Sixteen lay. Castle Dracula will die in it's prisoner. Worse, I fear I may be going mad. (He keeps talking as Jay walks up to Emma and feels her shoulder) Jay: You're tense. Emma: I'm always tense. Jay: Snap in half if you don't relax. (His hand touches down her arm, then her ass) JT: Three beauties! Three beauties! Emma! Emma: Sorry! We are ravenous. Alex: We hunger, we long. Amy: Tonight we feast. Outside a classroom Some teacher: Emma would you like to see a draft of your participation grade? (He raises then lowers his arm to show she's at zero) I know you went through a lot after the shooting. The grace period is coming to an end, okay? (Emma walks away and sees Jay and Alex making out.) Jay: Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer. Alex: You could sell it online for big porno bucks! (Emma walks away and Jay looks back at her.) Outside the school Ellie: (waving a magazine in front of Ashley) I have to parade anorexic fashion victims to get your attention?! Ashley: Worrying about Craig as usual. Ellie: So not your job to worry. Trust another sicko here. Craig: Who's a sicko? Ellie: Me, after seeing that compost on your tray. Craig: Goulash. Ellie: It's goodbye! (She leaves) Ashley: So how was shrink time? Craig: What were you guys talking about? Ashley: I haven't told Ellie, don't worry. Craig: Mmm goulash. I figure any food with 'gou' in the name has to be good. Ashley: Have you ever thought about going to a support group? Craig: For goulash lovers? Ashley: No. No there's a mental health group for teens tonight at the rec centre. Craig: Have you not noticed my desperate urge to talk about something else? Ashley: Look it's one night and if you hate it, then don't go back. Craig: Prediction? I will hate it. Ashley: So you'll go? Good. In the auditorium JT: Okay act 1, scene 5. (Manny and Darcy walk up on stage.) JT: And go! Manny: But surely dearest Mina I should know it if I walked in my sleep. Darcy: Dearest Lucy. Line? Emma: You arose four times from bed. Darcy: Oh right. You got up four times and...what did she do... JT: This is my leading lady?! Three days till opening?! Liberty: Patience my hot-headed paramour. JT: But she's paraphrasing your words my talented inamorata. Emma: You dressed yourself completely. Darcy: I think prompting is Liberty's job! Ms. Kwan: Perhaps we ought to take a break. JT: Listen! I'm directing and playing Van Helsing and I know my lines... Darcy: Well maybe if you'd stop changing the blocking every 5 minutes then... JT: I know! How about I change the casting instead?! Darcy: Okay, are you firing me? JT: Can't if you resign first. Darcy: Fine then I curse you! Macbeth! Backstage Manny: Drive a stake through this play's heart. They have to cancel it. Amy: They could let me play Mina. Me, the beautiful virgin. Alex: Now that's acting. Emma: Dearest Lucy I swear you arose four times from bed. You dressed yourself completely. Manny: Em you could do it! Just go ask. Emma: I bombed the audition. Just because Darcy quit doesn't mean they changed their minds about me. Amy: Where are my bracelets? Alex: Those wire things? They're worth a nickel. Big whoop. Amy: It is. Who took them?! Manny: Look. Come over tonight. Liberty and I are giving each other mani/pedis and we can do yours too. Emma: You'd probably have more fun without my hands and feet tagging along. (Emma grabs her stuff and sees Amy's bracelets underneath.) Emma: Amy? Amy: Give me those! At the support group Nancy: I gained so much weight I could hear my entire ballet class thinking 'what's she been eating?!' Nigel: So you reveal yourself as an anorexic depressive instead?! Leader: I think Nancy was saying it was a positive experience for her Nigel. Craig: I'm with him. I wouldn't tell anyone I didn't have to. Leader: Well let's talk about why you feel that. Craig: Okay. Once people think you're crazy I think they just think about that. They stop treating you like you're you. Ellie: Sorry I'm late. Leader: Welcome Ellie. We're talking about stigmatization. Craig? Craig: That's all I had to say. Outside Degrassi Jay: (Drives up in his car) You know my ride's got 16 independent speakers. Emma: I do now. Jay: Some of us got places to be... (Emma gets in.) Emma: Thanks. Um my house is... Jay: I dropped you off before remember? After Sean ran home to mommy dearest. Kind of sucks without him. Emma: Yeah I miss him too. Jay: I didn't say that! Don't go getting all mushy on me Greenpeace. (He drops her off at home.) Emma: Okay thanks. Jay: Going to Bennett park later. Emma: Yeah? Jay: Bunch of us hang out there. (Emma smiles as she gets out.) Inside Emma's, Spike and Snake are talking while Emma listens Spike: I'm worried Snake. Mr. Simpson: I'm sure she's okay. Spike: She's stopped bringing friends over, no dates. I feel like she just didn't get over the shooting. Mr. Simpson: Most of the kids at school have, but most kids didn't watch someone die. Spike: I know. I guess if you clump that together with being a teenage girl. Emma: Hello? Anybody home? Mr. Simpson: Hey! It's the Emma Nelson show! Starring Emma Nelson! Emma: Rehearsal was fantastic. I just cant wait till you guys see Dracula. Spike: Me neither hunny. Mr. Simpson: We waited for you for dinner. It's gardeners pie! Emma: Ooh veggie-licious! But I had pizza after rehearsal so I'm stuffed. Spike: Honey are you okay? Emma: Uh huh. I've got a ton of work to do on my lines though. So good night. In Emma's basement (Emma's cell phone rings and it shows Manny's number, but Emma doesn't pick up. She climbs out the window.) At the ravine Emma: Is this seat taken? Jay: It is now. Emma: Are you surprised to see me? (Jay shakes his head.) Emma: Do you think I'm weird? Jay: Now there's a loaded question. Emma: Everyone's been acting like I belong in a straight jacket. Jay: Well that's their problem. You're no weirder than the rest of us. (Emma sees Amy and some guy leave the van.) Emma: What's in the van? Jay: What do you thinks in the van? Emma: Beer? More beer? Smelly, shag carpeting from the 70s? Jay: Wanna see? (They go into the van.) Emma: This is fully anti-climactic. Come out, come out wherever you are. Jay: Hey. (He kisses her and she pulls back) It's for hooking up. Emma: What?! Jay: You know what blow jobs are don't you? (She tries to leave, but he pulls her back and puts a bracelet on her wrist.) Jay: Hey! Every player gets a prize. (Emma leaves the van and runs away.) [SCENE_BREAK] In a classroom JT: Forgive me Libby Tibby, my ickle knobby wobby pumpkin head! Pwease! Liberty: Do I honestly strike you as a baby talk person? We fired Darcy and now we have zip, zero, zilch! Emma: Let me be as your lighthouse! A canary for your coal mine. Let Dracula come to my breast and I will allow him sustenance! JT: How do you know that? Liberty: Oh no. Emma: I auditioned for Mina remember? Liberty: We need reliable. Rock solid. Emma: I do rock solid pretty well. Liberty: Day before yesterday you missed your cue. Last night you didn't even show up to Manny's! Everyone knows you're off or whatever. Emma: I'm not off! I'm your Mina. I know the blocking! JT: So corsets, ever worn one? At Craig's locker Ashley: So my dad and Chris got back from Puerto Vallarta last night. Apparently it's gay honeymooner paradise. They asked about you. Craig: Crazy Craig? What'd you tell them? Oh! I bet everything! Ashley: Okay. It's a good thing I know mood swings are common when you first start meds. Craig: You sent me to Ellie's group! Ashley: Which she loves. I didn't think you'd mind. Craig: Well then you didn't think at all! In the auditorium JT: Alright everyone. Put your fangs together for Emma. Yay. Alright let's jump right to the deep end with act 2, scene 7. And go! Nate: But my brain says come to you. You shall cross land or sea to do my bidding and to that end...this! (?) Emma: But no! I cannot. (He leans in to kiss her and Emma starts laughing.) JT: Emma. Script says you kiss him. So kiss him! Emma: Okay. I'm sorry. It's just weird doing this in front of everybody. JT: It's not real. There's no forth wall. Next play Liberty, unionized actors! Emma: Sorry I'll get it by tomorrow okay? Promise. JT: Fine. Tomorrow. Don't let me down. Okay, uh set change for scene 1. Go. Backstage Alex: Give you one minute with Nate, you'd do better than that. Amy: I'd eat him all up. You'd just see his big manly shoes sticking out. For the sake of guys everywhere I hope she becomes a nun. One of them big ones that sing all the time. Alex: Aw, Amy that's mean. The poor girl suffers from penis-aphobia. Her mom can't even buy bananas! Amy: One time they gave her a hotdog, she threw up for a week. Alex: Simpson has to keep his jockey shorts locked in a shed out back or she wont go into the house. (Emma reaches across the table so Amy can see her bracelet.) Amy: Is that mine?! Emma: No it's mine! Alex: What was that about? Outside Degrassi Emma: Jay! Hey! Did you know I've only been in a car with 16 speakers twice?! Jay: Who are you?! Emma: Amy was being really mean about rehearsal and what happened so I showed her the bracelet and she shut right up! It's Amy-kryptonite! Jay: This isn't some brownie badge competition. Maybe you're the one who needs to shut up. You didn't earn anything. Amy did. Emma: She earned them from you? Jay: There are a lot of girls down that ravine Emma. I picked you. -At Craig's house- Ellie: Know how to re-string a guitar? Craig: Get Ash to. She's good at forcing things. Ellie: Like forcing me to come here with this paper-thin guitar excuse? Craig. I used to cut myself. Craig: I know. Ellie: And what's bizarre is that I'm always gonna be a cutter. Even if I don't do it for years it's still me. Craig: Well that sucks. Ellie: It just, it just is. It doesn't matter how I feel or how anyone else feels. Craig: I'm bipolar. And apparently it doesn't matter if I think that sucks either. Ellie: I think Kurt Cobain was bipolar. Craig: Yeah. Ellie: If he just accepted it maybe it all would have been different. Nigel from group manages okay. Craig: He seemed cool. Ellie: He is! You should come back! And you should probably call Ash. Craig: Why? Why? Cause I bit her head off in the middle of the school? Ellie: Yeah. Craig: All she talks about lately is medication, my shrink and my moods! Ellie: She cares about you. A lot. Craig: I know. At the ravine Jay: You already had the tour. Emma: Show me again. Show me again for real. Jay: After you. At Craig's Ashley: I should have told you sooner that it was Ellie's group. Craig: But uh, I still liked it. I'm gonna go again next week. Ashley: You are? Craig: Ash. I wanna be your boyfriend. Ashley: Of course. We went through this a couple months ago remember? Craig: I want to be that boyfriend not the oooohh, not the crazy guy you got to save all the time. I want to talk about music and movies and yes, goulash! Ashley: Okay. Got it. Craig: Good. So... (Ashley leans in and kisses him.) At Emma's, she's sneaking back inside and Spike & Snake are standing there Spike: Well?!? Emma: I went for a walk. Mr. Simpson: It's two in the morning! Spike: What is wrong with you?! Emma: (starts crying) I can't sleep. I haven't been ever since the shooting. I didn't want to upset you guys, but since then I was so scared... Spike: Oh honey. Mr. Simpson: Do you want to go to bed Em? There's always tomorrow to talk. Emma: Okay. Yeah. Spike: You'll be able to sleep? Emma: Don't worry mom. (She hugs Spike) Spike: Nighty night. (They leave and Emma wipes away the tears, smiling and looks at her bracelets.) Scenes for next week Alex: (Slaps Amy) Tell me about the ravine, Amy! About what you did with my boyfriend, Amy?! And the bracelets you got for it?! Emma: (To the camera) It's not like I'm the first girl to ever do it, you know. Manny: You're better than this! You're better than what you're doing! Emma: What do you know about who I am, or what I'm worth or anything?! Voiceover: No one understands what Emma is doing. Emma: (to Jay) I think I need another bracelet. Voiceover: And the effects it could have. Snake: I need a minute with my daughter. Emma: Why did you do this to me?

Emma has not come to terms with the school shooting but assures everyone that she is ok. But when Jay begins to arouse her interests, she soon finds herself giving into them. Meanwhile, with the discovery of Craig's bipolar disorder, Ashley tries to get him help from a support group where he runs into Ellie.

fd_Reign_01x12

fd_Reign_01x12_0

IN CATHERINE'S CHAMBERS: (Clarissa enters Catherine's empty chambers and looks about the room. She sits on the bed for a moment and then looks through a small wooden box that contains the names of each of Catherine's children, with a lock of their hair. Before Clarissa can finish, two young lovers sneak into the room) GIRL (laughing): Here we are: The Queen's private chambers. It's all ours. (They kiss and make their way over to the bed, where they make love with most of their clothes off. Clarissa, wishing to remain out-of-sight, slinks into the corner, hiding between a wardrobe and the wall) IN THE STABLES: (Bash attends to one of the horses in the stable, grooming it and cleaning its fur. Bash, seeing Mary out of the corner of his eye, drops what he's doing and goes to meet with Mary) BASH: There you are. You missed our ride this morning. MARY: I'm sorry. I overslept. BASH: I hope you weren't up all night worrying again. MARY: It's just the fact that we've heard no news from the Vatican. BASH: Will your worrying make the Pope choose to legitimize me any sooner? The Vatican wil come around and when they do, you and I can finally be married. I promise. MARY: That's not all I'm worried about. Your half brothers, Charles and Henry, I see their sad faces around the castle and I realize how hard this must be for them. BASH: Yes. It's awful. I know. MARY: There's a frost fair in the village this morning. I want to take them, just us three -- just something special to take their minds off their troubles (Bash smiles lovingly at Mary) BASH: You are so good. So truly good. (He pulls her to him tightly and kisses her tenderly) (Mary, remaining true to her word, takes the boys to the festival. They are accompanied by many castle guards, who lead them in a horse-drawn carriage) PRINCE CHARLES: Will there be ice-skating? MARY: Yes and sleigh-rides and spiced candy and puppet plays. All of the boys and girls from the village will be there! PRINCE CHARLES: Mother and father don't like us to play with regular children. I wish mother could be there. MARY: I know. PRINCE CHARLES: Will we see her before she dies? MARY: Don't worry about that now. Your mother wants you to be happy. She'll be happier knowing you had a lovely day! (Offscreen, voices can be heard instructing people passing by to back off) GUARD: Get back! All of you! PASSERBY: LOOK! It's the Medici princes! (The crowd becomes angry and starts latching on to the side of the carriage, shaking it violently) PASSERBY: This is for Queen Catherine and her lies! MARY (to the boys): Get down! Hide. (Both boys crawl under their seat, put their hands over their heads and scream) AT THE CASTLE: (After the young couple finished up, the girl notices one of Catherine's possessions has been disturbed. She goes to inspect the situation and she hears a whisper) CLARISSA: HEY GIRL: Who's there? (She then begins searching the room for the voice that just called out to her) GIRL: Show yourself! I won't take the blame if you've stolen something from the queen. (She goes to the window to look behind the curtain. As she pulls it back, Clarissa pops out and attacks her, putting her into a chokehold until she snaps her neck. Dead, the girl slinks to the ground) IN THE DUNGEON: (Mary goes to meet with the Queen to tell her what had happened earlier that morning) QUEEN CATHERINE: Where are my boys now? MARY: Bash is with them. QUEEN CATHERINE: I warned you of the unrest that would result in changing the line of succession. Once the Vatican legitimizes Bash, Henry will take off my head. Those boys will be orphans. MARY: They'll still have their father. QUEEN CATHERINE: Hahaha. How much attention do you think they'll get from him as he cavorts with his new bride, Diane? And as for Bash, as soon as he takes power, he will face unrelenting pressure to do away with them. MARY: I will not allow it. I will take care of them. QUEEN CATHERINE: You? MARY: Bash as well. We will raise them as they are our own. Despite what you may think, I never intended to harm your family. I just wanted to save Francis. QUEEN CATHERINE: I wish I could believe that. MARY: and I want to help Clarissa too. QUEEN CATHERINE: Clarissa? MARY: Yes. She is your daughter. We both know that. And she saved my life. QUEEN CATHERINE: How do you intend on coaxing her out of the passages? MARY: I ordered a mask made; to cover her deformity. It's being delivered today and when the time is right, I'll arrange for her to have chambers of her own. QUEEN CATHERINE: You seriously intend to integrating her into society after a life in the shadows; living like vermin? That girl is broken. She is more animal than human. The greatest mercy would be to have her put down. MARY: You don't mean that. You would never want that for your own child. QUEEN CATHERINE: I suppose I'll have to get use to other people deciding what I want for my children. They'll be out of my care very shortly when I'm dead. (In the passage way, Clarissa watches as the boys play together in their chamber. She excitedly opens a silk-wrapped package Mary left her, revealing the mask. She puts it on and looks at her reflection in a jagged piece of mirror. Upon seeing her face, she smashes the glass on the ground and goes back to watching the boys play together. Then, she rips a huge section of hair out of her head, blood, skin and all and wraps it around the princes' hair Catherine kept in her box of keepsakes) BASH: What can I do to protect my younger brothers? There must be a way to make them safe. LORD HUGO: I marvel that you could have been brought up at court and still understand it so poorly. For a royal, there's no such thing as safety. BASH: I realize the notion of my being king disappoints you, Lord Hugo. LORD HUGO: It did once. But not anymore. MARY: You've switched sides? LORD HUGO: I'm head of the King's Privy Council for two reasons: I know how to manage men and I know how to pick the winning side. In light of recent events; the Queen's pending execution and Francis's continuing absence from court; that side is yours. BASH: How lucky I am to have such steadfast support. LORD HUGO: If steadfast is what you require, there's only one way to achieve it. Factions need a flag to rally behind, and every young prince with a claim to the throne is another flag. But, if those flags were taken away, perhaps permanently ... MARY: Are you suggesting killing the boys?! LORD HUGO: I would never presume to make such a suggestion. Those boys are the King's own blood. You asked about safety. This morning's attack was mild. BASH: We are aware of that and share your concern. LORD HUGO: There are plots being set on both sides, no doubt and with deadlier consequences. Sooner or later, blood will be spilled. It's just a matter of whose. Yours and Mary's, or another's. LATER: (Mary and Bash fight over with to do with Prince Henry and Prince Charles) BASH: Lord Hugo's right... my brothers need to be dealt with. MARY: "Dealt with?" What are you saying? BASH: Send them away from France. MARY: I was sent to a nunnery at six. It didn't stop the English from making attempts on my life. BASH: You've had far more attempts against your life here. MARY: You weren't there this morning. Those boys need our protection and I promised Catherine I would keep them safe. We should keep them here with us. BASH: And teach them to be constantly afraid? Always on the lookout for the next attack? I won't have them grow up to fear their own shadows. MARY: At least they'll have a chance of a normal childhood. BASH: "Normal?" At court? This is absurd. You feel guilty for taking away what they had, so you want to keep them around, never mind what their lives might be like... MARY: And you feel guilty because they remind you of Francis, so you want to get them out of sight. BASH: Is that really what you think? MARY: It doesn't matter. I forbid you from sending them away. BASH: You forbid it? How is this your decision? MARY: I am the queen who's going to give your father the legacy of conquering England. Who do you think he's going to side with? BASH: Very well. I'll go double the guard around the boys. Unless that means I don't love them enough. IN A DINGY TAVERN IN PARIS: (Lola enters a building where many people are congregating. Many are having s*x out in the open, some are gambling, others sit around drinking) FREDRICK: Lola? LOLA: Fredrick! (She embraces him tightly and notices a few bruises on his face) LOLA: Are you all right? Have they mistreated you? FREDRICK: I'm fine, As long as you brought the... LOLA (interrupting him in a whisper): I brought the money. FREDRICK: Thank God. Sorry you had to come all the way. You wouldn't believe the string of bad luck I've had at the tables. LOLA: Let's just get you out of here. To whom do you owe the money? (Before he can give her a name, a stranger appears from behind her and announces himself) 'MAURICE': Maurice Bisset. LOLA: Please excuse the trouble my brother has caused. (handing him a satchal full of coins) Here's the sum he owes, plus interest. MAURICE: How lucky you are to have such a lovely sister willing to go to such lengths to secure your release. LOLA: Shall we? (They go to leave, but another gentleman blocks their exit-way) MAURICE: Unfortunately, this debt is more complicated. LOLA: What do you mean? MAURICE: In addition to lying about his means, your brother attempted to cheat at my tables, a very serious breach of house rules. LOLA: Perhaps an additional sum would help smooth things over? MAURICE: Such a grave crime requires more than money to repay it, don't you think? LOLA: What are you suggesting? MAURICE: I admire the passion you have for your brother. Perhaps you would consider sharing some of that passion with me? BACK AT COURT: (Nostradamus arrives to chat with Queen Catherine, who is still under guard.) NOSTRADAMUS (to the guard): I need to see the prisoner. GUARD: And what is this that you're bringing? NOSTRADAMUS: A Bible. So she can make peace with her maker before her execution. (The guard takes the book from him and flips through the pages from front to back) NOSTRADAMUS: If you're looking for a weapon, some say there's none greater than the Scriptures themselves. (The guard shoves the book back into his hands and opens the door, allowing him to speak with the Queen) QUEEN CATHERINE (upon seeing Nostradamus): Oh, good. More sanctimonious talk from my self-appointed redeemer. NOSTRADAMUS: King Henry's actions may not have been fair, but it doesn't change the results. You must seek absolution for your sins. QUEEN CATHERINE: You think that is gonna save me? If you really cared about my well-being, you'd have brought some poison like I asked! Then, at least, I could die with dignity, alone, at my own hand. NOSTRADAMUS: You mustn't say such things. Suicide is a mortal sin! You'd be condemned to the fires of Hell. QUEEN CATHERINE: Henry intends to make a spectacle of my death, as a final insult to me, and to bring some semblance of validity to his actions. I won't grant him the satisfaction, if I have to tear my throat out with my own hands! And unless you're prepared to help me in that goal, get out and don't return! (Without saying another word, Nostradamus sits the bible down and leaves, while Catherine notices some rope and a noose sitting nearby) OUTSIDE THE CASTLE: (After the events of the morning, with the Frost Fair, outside the castle, a mini-fair is being hosted; one similar to the one the Princes were unable to attend) MARY: What's going on? Bash, what have you done? PRINCE CHARLES: This is all for us? BASH: Yes. Now go make friends. (The boys run off and join the festivities) BASH: You said they should have a normal childhood, but also be safe. MARY: They missed out on the Frost Fair in the village, so you brought it to them? That is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. BASH: Their entire lives are filled with danger and isolation. I just wanted them to have this day. (Mary kisses Bash) PRINCE CHARLES: Mary, come help us with our masks! (She obliges and rushes over to help them) BACK IN PARIS: (After refusing an additional payment to allow the men from the tavern to release her brother, Lola continues to press them. Meanwhile, patrons continue playing games and gambling) LOLA (coming up behind Maurice): I've made some arrangements. I can pay you double the debt, but it'll take a week to assemble the money. MAURICE: I don't think so. (Maurice walks over to a neighboring table and speaks with a gentlemen who just won a round on a game) MAURICE: Well done. What incredible luck you must have. (Maurice pulls out a hammer and smashes the man's hand with it. Several other men come and drag him away as he screams in agony) MAURICE: He's a cheat, just like your brother. LOLA: Was that really necessary? MAURICE: He's lucky I didn't crush both his hands. That's the penalty at most establishments, but I prefer to be merciful. Your brother begged me to spare him that fate. He said that your family was wealthy, and that he'd make it worth my while. I had no idea how worthwhile until I laid my eyes on you. LOLA: Why me? You can't make this offer to many. It's not good business. MAURICE: You're a lady of title. I've taken money from many a noble, but none ever treated me as an equal. I'd like to know what it feels like to touch what only they can touch. Do we have a deal? (Before Lola can speak, another man comes to offer a better deal to Maurice) MAN: Pardon me. I couldn't help but overhear that this lady is to be played for this evening. My benefactor, the Viscount de Brilhac, would like the chance to win her for himself. MAURICE: She's not available. She's with me. MAN: The Viscount is prepared to wager double her debt on one cut of the cards. MAURICE: I've already been offered that. (Suddenly, Francis makes his presence known. He is the benefactor the man is speaking of) FRANCIS: Four times, then. (Lola looks somewhat unaffected. She does not hint that she knows him, or who he is) FRANCIS: Surely the owner of the celebrated Burgundy House is not afraid of a simple wager? One cut of the cards. MAURICE (relenting): One cut of the cards. Four times the debt, plus the girl if I win. FRANCIS: And if I win; the debt is forgiven, and the girl is mine. (They walk over to the table and play a round. Francis pulls bad cards and loses the wager) MAURICE: Too bad, Monsieur Viscount. FRANCIS: Double it again. MAURICE: Eight times the debt, you mean? And the girl. FRANCIS: And the girl. Though I don't know why you'd risk it. It's much safer to just take the money. MAURICE: If your gallantry is as easy as your lovely inherited money, why not make it 16 times the debt? LOLA: No. FRANCIS: Very well. After you. (Maurice turns over a card, revealing an ace of spades. Francis takes his turn and pulls out a King of hearts, winning the game) MAURICE: Well-played. FRANCIS: Luck of the draw (looking over to Lola) Shall we retire to my room, my lady? (Francis and Lola go to leave) MAURICE: Wait. You look familiar. Haven't I seen you somewhere before? FRANCIS: I'm told I look like the Dauphin of France; only taller. AT THE FROST FAIR: KENNA (to Greer): Well, I agree with Mary. They should stay here, at the home they've always known. Look at them, having the time of their lives. (Greer looks over to a shady man standing besides a tree) GREER: Who's that? KENNA: I don't know. Some servant, perhaps? GREER: He looks ill at ease, don't you think? (Kenna sees a little boy has fallen on the ground, thinking it to be one of the princes, she goes to help him up. Both girls start to panic) KENNA: Charles! Oh, Charles. Come here. Are you all right? (Kenna pulls off the mask, revealing the little boy not to be either of the princes) KENNA: Charles? GREER: Henry? KENNA: CHARLES! GREER (pulling off the mask of another little boy): Henry? (Mary hears the commotion and susses out the situation) MARY: What is it? GREER: We can't find the princes. BASH: Everyone! Masks off at once! (All of the children remove their masks. None of which are either of the princes) MARY: Bash! BASH: They're gone. ACT 3:Edit (Bash, Mary, Kenna and Greer start scouring the fair looking for Henry and Charles) MARY (to the ladies): Search the castle and the grounds. They can't have gone far.. and check the boys' chambers.. and find Lord Hugo! BASH: Mary, wait. (Bash catches up to Mary and tries to calm her nerves) MARY: What are you doing? You're wasting precious time! T BASH (whispering): The boys are fine. MARY: How do you know? BASH: Because I arranged their disappearance. MARY: WHAT?! BASH: They're being transported to the abbey at Troyes, as we speak. From there, they'll continue to the Spanish border. There are riders stationed at checkpoints along the way to keep us up to date on their progress. MARY: You had this plan in mind all along? That's why you wanted your brothers outside! You were planning their kidnapping! BASH: They weren't safe here. Something had to be done. (Before Mary can give him a piece of her mind, Lord Hugo finds them in the corrider) LORD HUGO: Sebastian. There you are. (Lord Hugo has two guards with him that are dragging the shady man from earlier behind them) LORD HUGO: We found this man hiding in the woods. He had a rope and two burlap sacks. I believe he intended to capture and drown the princes. BASH: Is this true? SHADY MAN: You are the next great king, Sebastian. The Medicis must die. LORD HUGO: We'll question him thoroughly, my Lord. If he knows anything about the princes' disappearance, we'll get it out of him. (Lord Hugo and the men carry him off. Hugo bows and they all leave, but not before Mary gives Bash an angry look) MEANWHILE; IN AN UNKNOWN LOCATION (A nameless man hops of his buggy and removes a satchal and some hay, revealing both boys are under there.) MAN: Out you get. (He helps one of them down) MAN: We'll go inside where no one can see us. (Helping the other prince down) MAN: There. Right. Get some food in you. We've got a long night ahead of us if we're going to make it to Troyes before daylight. (He takes the boys inside a little house, leading them both by the hand) PRINCE CHARLES: I'm cold. MAN: Go on then. I'll fetch a blanket. (As the boys go inside, Clarissa hops off the buggy. The man goes back to retrieve a blanket and he pulls a knife when he hears her stirring around) MAN: Who's there? (IDarkness ensues. Clarissa goes over to chat with the boys, who are eating what looks to be a loaf of bread) PRINCE CHARLES: Clarissa, what are you doing here? CLARISSA: I was worried about you. PRINCE CHARLES (to Prince Henry): Clarissa is my friend. We played together at the castle. PRINCE CHARLES (to Clarissa): How did you find us? Does anyone know you're here? CLARISSA: Your mother will know soon enough. I left her a message. PRINCE CHARLES: Why are you wearing the driver's cloak.. and that mask? CLARISSA: Mary had it made for me. Do you like it? PRINCE CHARLES: I don't know. Are you going to stay with us? CLARISSA: I'm going to take care of you. From now on, we're going to be a family. Pack up. Let's go. IN PARIS: LOLA: Thank you again, so much, for what you did. To make such an enormous wager, based on nothing but chance. FRANCIS: Well, it's safer than fighting our way out. LOLA: My brother.. FRANCIS: ...seems a little adrift. LOLA: I've traipsed all over Europe, pulling him out of this scrape, or that, each time worse than the last... But we're all my parents have left. FRANCIS: I can understand both sides, if you want the truth. I am familiar with feeling adrift, and with being let down by a brother I loved. LOLA: I'm sorry. Truly, I am. FRANCIS: I know they thought they were saving my life, or at least Mary did... Bash has his own reasons. LOLA: I envy you. (Francis is drinking alcohol straight from the bottle. He chokes a bit on her words) FRANCIS: In what possible way? LOLA: Well, you've escaped that hideous court. You're not bound by duty or politics. You don't have to lie or pretend. You can do what you want. You can set your own course. FRANCIS: Well, it's not all it's cracked up to be, but there are things I don't miss -- like my mother's meddling, for one. LOLA: When I left, Henry had her locked in the tower, just until the annulment came through, but that didn't stop her from stirring up trouble. She tried to get Mary and Bash... FRANCIS: What? LOLA: You don't want to hear it. FRANCIS: I do. Hearing it makes it... real. It still doesn't feel that way. LOLA: Don't be ashamed of your pain. It does you credit. You have a true heart. It will mend. FRANCIS: I'd like that very much. (They look like they are about to kiss, but instead, Francis changes the subject) FRANCIS: Shall we... Shall we find something to keep us occupied until we can sleep? LOLA: Yes, please. (Francis shuffles a deck of cards and they play) [SCENE_BREAK] BACK AT THE CASTLE: (Nostradamus rushes over to the dungeon where Queen Catherine is) NOSTRADAMUS: What is it? GUARD: I heard coughing, and now she won't tell us anything. NOSTRADAMUS: Did you check on her? GUARD: She's blocked the door with something. I heard what she said before about taking her life. NOSTRADAMUS: Open the door at once! (They begin pounding on the door, but receive no answer) NOSTRADAMUS: Help me push it in! Quickly! (They finally get into the room and Catherine's head hangs from a noose. She had attempted suicide) NOSTRADAMUS: Dear God. ACT 4:Edit NOSTRADAMUS: Untie the rope. (The guard does as he's asked. Nostradamus hugs Catherine's legs tightly while the rope is loosened from its post) NOSTRADAMUS: must get her to the infirmary immediately. GUARD: What for? Would it not be a kindness to let her pass on? The king wants her death to be a spectacle. NOSTRADAMUS: Will you be the one to deny him that? I'll be back with her as soon as I can. Tell no one. Okay? And pray, for both our sakes, that I'm successful in reviving her. (Nostradamus carries her to his chambers on his back and lays her down) NOSTRADAMUS (once in the comfort of his his own room): You're safe now. (Catherine opens up her eyes and sits up) QUEEN CATHERINE: Oh, thank God. Help me with this. It's digging into my back like a butcher's hook. (Nostradamus holds up a hook-type device made of steel) NOSTRADAMUS: You're lucky it held your weight, or you'd have hung yourself for real. QUEEN CATHERINE: You're lucky they didn't find it hidden in the spine of that Bible you brought. Lying isn't exactly your strong suit. Now, where am I meeting the wagon? NOSTRADAMUS: At the east end of the grounds... Past the stables. It won't be comfortable, but... QUEEN CATHERINE: It's my only chance of making it to Italy undetected. (Nostradamus looks concerned) QUEEN CATHERINE: What is it? NOSTRADAMUS: Something you need to know. Charles and Young Henry went missing today at the Frost Fair. QUEEN CATHERINE: Missing? Do you mean kidnapped? NOSTRADAMUS: It's too early to say. Bash has sent guards to search for them. Bash? So the fox has offered to help find the missing chickens? NOSTRADAMUS: We don't know that he was responsible for their disappearance. QUEEN CATHERINE: Of course it's Bash or one of his backers. Who else would profit from my sons' removal? My sweet boys.. Oh, they'll be terrified if they're even... (Horrifed at the thought, Catherine puts her hand over her mouth) NOSTRADAMUS: You must go to your rendezvous. The guards will be searching for you. QUEEN CATHERINE: And abandon my children?! NOSTRADAMUS: You can't help them from here. You're a condemned woman. Go to Italy, gather your strength. Others will see to the safety of your children here. QUEEN CATHERINE: Others? I'm their mother! I will not leave this place until I know that my boys are safe, or until I am actually dead. ELSEWHERE IN THE CASTLE: MARY: What do you mean the boys didn't make it to the checkpoint? BASH: They're probably fine. The carriage could've lost a wheel or a horse come up lame. I've ordered guards to ride out and look. MARY: And what if they don't find them? Are you still so pleased with your choice to defy me and act so rashly? BASH: There's no guarantee they'd have been any safer here. A servant of Catherine's was just found dead in a passage behind her chambers -- along with this box. The queen's enemies are growing bolder, even in this castle, which you deem so safe. (Mary looks through the box's contents) MARY: They're keepsakes; Mementos of her children. So few people know of the passageways. Who would hide a body there? BASH: I'm going to talk to the guards who found her. I'll tell you if I learn anything. (As Bash leaves, Catherine enters Mary's chambers, startling her) QUEEN CATHERINE: Please don't scream. I mean you no harm. MARY: How did you... QUEEN CATHERINE: I escaped, my dear. I hid waiting. It's all very thrilling, but let's save that tale for later. My sons are missing, and you promised to protect them. MARY: Bash has sent men after them, and he knows where to look, since he's the one who spirited them away for their safety. QUEEN CATHERINE: "For their safety?" Is that what he told you? MARY: I know this might be hard for you to understand, but Bash cares for his brothers more than any crown. Besides, I think it might be another sibling who's interested. You keep locks of your children's hair, but I don't believe you added this one to the collection. (Mary shows her the greusome keepsake Clarissa left behind) QUEEN CATHERINE (audibly disgusted): Is that skin? MARY: I think it's Clarissa's. QUEEN CATHERINE: She killed the servant that Bash was talking about. MARY: Who else uses the passages? Who else would rather kill than risk exposure in the light? Look at how it's knotted around your sons', Charles and Little Henry's. Who else do you know who might feel like this, all knotted up inside over a family she just learned she had? QUEEN CATHERINE: She threatened me once. She said that I would get what I deserve, but what does that mean? MARY: I think she wants you to know she has your sons... To torment you in your final days before your execution. QUEEN CATHERINE: You said Bash knows the direction they went in. Can he track them? Francis always went on and on about his brother's hunting skills. MARY: He can, and I'll be with him. QUEEN CATHERINE: I'm coming with you. I know. I'll probably be caught, returned to my chains, but these are my children. And if it's me that Clarissa wants to punish, I need to be there to let her have her say. IN PARIS: (Daylight has come. The sounds of bells ringing and horses stirring around outside wake Lola up, for her to realize that she fell asleep beside of Francis, who has his arm draped around her. As she starts to get up, Francis wakes up as well) LOLA: I'm so sorry. I... I must have nodded off. FRANCIS: Me, too. We were talking very late. LOLA: And the wine. FRANCIS: Yes, and the wine. LOLA: I should go. Thank you for what you did yesterday for me and my brother. It was brave and incredibly gallant. And I'm so sorry to have imposed on you. FRANCIS: It was no imposition. Truly, it was nice to spend time with someone who.. I.. didn't have to hide from. I'm sorry; You don't want to hear this. LOLA: Yes, I do. Please, finish. FRANCIS: To anyone else, I'm a young man who has everything: money, freedom, a world to explore at my leisure. But when I think of all that, I only feel... emptiness. Pathetic, isn't it? LOLA: Well, I hope not. Because I feel exactly the same. We're a pathetic pair, aren't we? (Francis kisses her, but she pulls away) LOLA: We can't.. Mary.. FRANCIS: Is no longer a part of my life. Like it or not, she's made her decision. And I'll never see her again. LOLA: Or me, after today. (They kiss again) FRANCIS: I can't ask you to... LOLA: Give up my virtue? Don't worry, I've known a man before. Just one, but Francis, I want to. (They kiss once more and begin to undress each other, before moving over to the bed) ELSEWHERE IN THE KINGDOM: (Catherine has accompanied Bash and Mary to search for Prince Henry and Prince Charles. They come across a dead body) BASH: It's the driver I hired to take the boys to Troyes. (The driver has had his throat slit from one ear to the other. Dried blood has also pooled at the corner of his mouth) BASH: There's no blood other than his. No reason to fear the worst just yet. QUEEN CATHERINE: Yes, except my boys are still missing and perhaps in the hands of a monster. I swear, if she harms a hair on their heads, I... MARY: Charles and Clarissa have played together many times. She's been friendly towards him. BASH: We should split up to cover more ground. Even with several hours head start, a girl and two small boys couldn't have made it far. (Bash's men begin to search the area on horseback) BASH: We're going to find them. You have my word. And believe me, if they're anything but the picture of health, I'm the one you'll have to restrain. MARY (spotting something on the ground): Bash, look! (She leads them across the field, where they find a toy lying on the ground) BASH: It's little Henry's. This way! (They all run off, following a trail left behind by Clarissa) CLARISSA (overlooking a lake, she talks to herself): She's no mother. She deserves this. PRINCE CHARLES: Clarissa, what's happening? Why have we stopped? CLARISSA: We're going to play a game. Gather all the rocks you can and fill your pockets. The heavier the better. PRINCE CHARLES: Then what? CLARISSA: Then we're going to go swimming. PRINCE CHARLES: But it's too cold. And I don't know how to swim. CLARISSA: Just do it! (The boys reluctantly do as she asked, with their fear written across their face) PRINCE CHARLES: What did we do? Are...are you angry with us? (Mary, Bash and Catherine have finally caught up with them) MARY (yelling): Clarissa! (The boys see them and start running toward them) PRINCE HENRY: Bash! (Prince Henry makes it into Bash's arms, but Clarissa grabs Charles and holds a knife to his throat) CLARISSA: Stay back! Don't come any closer! MARY: Clarissa, please, you don't want to hurt Charles. He's your friend. CLARISSA: He's my brother, but I never knew. 'Cause she never told me. She didn't want me. She hated me! MARY: No. She didn't. She just didn't know you. CLARISSA: She hated my face and they tried to fix it. That's why I look like this. That's why I-I had to hide my whole life. MARY: It was a misunderstanding. A terrible misunderstanding. But it can end now. CLARISSA: She tried to end it by getting rid of me. She took my family away. Well, now I'm going to do the same thing. Give me back little Henry, or, or I'll cut Charles! QUEEN CATHERINE: Clarissa, dear, listen to me. I'm your mother. CLARISSA: Stay back. You're not my mother. You told me you wished I was dead. QUEEN CATHERINE: No, my dear. I am your mother. And do you know how I know? I see you now. Holding that knife. Willing to pay any price for your convictions. It's the same thing I've done more than once; to fight for my children. For what I knew was mine. But look at your mother now -- condemned to die. If you want the pain to stop, learn from your mother's mistakes. Choose a better way.. Let yourself be loved! CLARISSA (crying): No. no, no .. (Catherine continues to walk ever closer to Clarissa) QUEEN CATHERINE: Put down the knife, child. We can all be together, all of us. Finally; your true family... PRINCE CHARLES (screaming): Mother! (Clarissa grabs ahold of him tighter and starts jerking him around) QUEEN CATHERINE: You monster! Let him go! CLARISSA: You liar! You don't care about me! You never will. You-you-you want us to be together? We'll be together when we're all dead. (Clarissa goes to kill him, but before she can, Mary comes from behind and hits her over the head with a jagged rock. She slinks to the ground and Charles runs into his mother's arms. Mary looks at the bloody rock in her hand and throws it down to the ground) QUEEN CATHERINE: Come! Oh! (Little Henry also embraces her. Clarissa holds her arm up and Mary bends down and holds her hand until she dies) PRINCE CHARLES: Clarissa's dead? QUEEN CATHERINE: Yes. And you were both so very brave. And I'm so very proud of you. (A guard comes up and puts his hand on Catherine's back) GUARD: You'll have to let go of them, Majesty. It's time for you to get back to the castle and your cell. QUEEN CATHERINE: Don't worry, my darlings. Mary will take good care of you. (She embraces them both and they run to Bash) QUEEN CATHERINE (to Bash): Make sure they have a hot bath when they get home. They're both blue with cold. Do you hear me? MARY: You were out of the tower before you knew about them, weren't you? You were free and clear and yet, you stayed for them. QUEEN CATHERINE: I may never see them again. Once the Vatican sends word that Bash is legitimized, you two will be married and I'll be dead. Probably that very day. MARY: I'm sorry. I wish I could've found some other way to save Francis' life. QUEEN CATHERINE: I believe you mean that. I owe all my sons' lives to you. If you hadn't finished Clarissa... You sent her to a better place. This world never suited her. And besides, she'll have her mother with her soon enough. (Catherine is escorted back to the castle) (Mary stands in front of the fireplace in her chambers. Bash comes to chat with her) MARY: How are the boys? BASH: Fast asleep. Little Henry was snoring before the Lord's Prayer was done and Charles wasn't far behind. MARY: We're going to have to give them a bit of extra attention for a while, especially... BASH: when their mother is gone. I know. And extra security too. MARY: Oh, you mean... BASH: Yes. My brothers are staying. You were right. Out there, we have to rely on others to look out for them but here, we can both keep an eye on them. MARY: But I shouldn't have spoken to you the way I did. Giving you edicts, questioning your actions.You did what had to.. Without hesitation. BASH: So you're not angry with me for acting impulsively? MARY: Safe choices don't always make us safe. I see that now, which is why I want you to marry me. Now. Today. BASH: I don't understand. MARY: We've been patiently waiting for Rome to give us permission to do what we want. We've been playing it safe. And what has that gotten us? Factions and plots and uncertainty. Everything BUT safety. And what do we get if we do get married now? We get what we want. We force their hand. If the Pope wants a Catholic queen, one with the strength of France behind her claim to England, he'll have to legitimize you. He'll have no choice. BASH: The Pope always has a choice. You could be stuck with a landless b*st*rd for a husband. MARY: I'm willing to take that risk. Bash; Marry me. BASH: No. MARY: Bash... BASH: That's not how it's done. (Bash gets down on one knee and takes Mary by the hand) BASH: This is how it's done. Marry me, Mary ,Queen of Scots. And make me the luckiest b*st*rd on Earth. MARY: Yes. (He gets up and they kiss passionately) IN PARIS: LOLA: Well, I suppose this is good-bye then. (Francis and Lola embrace) LOLA: Good luck on your travels. FRANCIS: And you, back at court. LOLA: Don't remind me. (Before they can leave, the owner of the tavern interrupts them) MAURICE: Headed back to French court then? (Both turn around and look at him, expecting more trouble) MAURICE: I mean you no trouble. Just wanted to ask the lady a small favor. (Maurice pulls a coin out of his pocket and hands it to Lola) MAURICE: When the queen is led out to the executioner's block, throw that at her for me. Tell her to try to buy her way out of this one. FRANCIS: What are you talking about? MAURICE: Oh, haven't you heard? There was a trial. She was found guilty of adultery. It's treason. The King plans to behead her within the week. And I, for one, will welcome the end of her Medici money rotting France. Oh bring that coin back with her blood on it, and I'll give you a fortune in house credit. (Maurice laughs at walks away, leaving them alone once more) FRANCIS: Did you know of this? LOLA: I had no idea. It can't be true. FRANCIS: I had no intention of ever returning to my father's court again, but if I don't, I'll be letting him murder my mother. IN THE WOODS: (Two of the king's men scout out a location to bury Clarissa in) MAN 1: It's freezing. And it'll take us hours to dig her a grave. MAN 2: So don't. There's no one around to check us. Grab her feet. (They pick up Clarissa's corpse and throw it down a sloping hill. Her mask falls off and they hammer a wooden cross to the ground) MAN 2: That's more than this wretch deserves. Let's go.

Queen Mary and Bash disagree on what is to be done with Catherine's younger sons, Charles and Henry. Going against Queen Mary's wishes, Bash arranges for the boys to be taken out of France under the guise of an abduction, but Clarissa intercedes and abducts the young Princes' for real. Nostradamus helps Queen Catherine escape the tower, but she refuses to leave when she learns her sons are missing. Queen Catherine joins Queen Mary and Bash to find Clarissa, who wants to kill the boys in bitter vengeance for their mother abandoning her as a newborn infant due the birthmark across her left cheek. Queen Mary hits Clarissa with a rock, apparently killing her. Queen Mary and Bash reconcile, Bash agreeing to care for the boys. Queen Mary asks Bash to marry her immediately and he accepts. Lola goes to Paris to see her brother and happens to meets Francis, who helps her settle her brother's debt. Lady Lola and Prince Francis bond over their similar situation and have sex. Francis learns that Queen Catherine is to be executed and decides to return to court.

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_02x16

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_02x16_0

-[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (A young Cora arrives home to find her father passed out drunk on a wheelbarrow of sacks of grain. Next to him, is another wheelbarrow full of sacks of prepared flour.) Cora: Father. Father! Miller: What? I'm resting. (She grabs the bottle from his hand and smashes it against the ground.) Cora: You're always resting. The flour was due to be delivered this morning. I, for one, would like to be able to eat this week. (Cora takes the wheelbarrow of flour and heads towards the castle.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cora arrives at the castle and begins unloading the flour. A young Eva is there, along with King Xavier, Henry I, and the rest of their escorts. As the royal party walks past, Queen Eva trips Cora, causing her to fall on her face and drop her bags of flour.) Cora: You stupid, foolish girl! King Xavier: What happened here? Queen Eva: Oh, the peasant fell. As they do. King Xavier: Are you alright? Cora: I'm fine. King Xavier: Not you. Eva. Are you alright, Eva? Queen Eva: Well, she ruined my slippers. Henry I: I don't think the girl meant any harm. King Xavier: You shall receive no money for the flour, and you will apologize to Eva. Cora: Apologize? The wench tripped me. King Xavier: Curb your tongue. This is Princess Eva from the Northern Kingdom, our honored guest. She's a very important woman. Cora: She's a girl. King Xavier: And who are you, miller's daughter? What's your name? Cora: Cora. King Xavier: Then kneel, Cora. (Cora reluctantly kneels.) King Xavier: Now apologize. Apologize, or this will be the last bit of flour we'll take from you. There are other millers out there. Cora: I beg your pardon, Princess Eva. King Xavier: Stay down until we have passed. You are where you belong. -[Storybrooke]- (The New York group is sailing on Hook's ship towards Storybrooke. Henry and Neal are steering the ship, while Emma tends to Mr. Gold below deck.) Emma: You don't look comfortable. Mr. Gold: The poison racing towards my heart will have that effect. Emma: Tell me about this, uh, knife of yours. Cora and Regina... If they do have it, they can make you do anything? Mr. Gold: Indeed. Emma: Like... Kill us all? Mr. Gold: Yeah. You're hoping I bleed to death now, aren't you? Emma: You're Henry's grandfather. We're family now. I'm going to save you. Mr. Gold: Oh, I feel so reassured. [SCENE_BREAK] (In Storybrooke, David is talking to Mary Margaret on his cell phone.) David: Hey. I just talked to Emma. It's a bad wound. She says it's poison. They can only cure it back here in Storybrooke. They're taking a ship home. MMB: Well, let them know that they have the knife, okay? Who knows what that wicked woman would do? (The scene switches to Regina's office, where Cora and Regina are listening in to the phone conversation. Hearing enough, Cora knocks the speaker off of the desk, cutting off the connection.) Regina: Mother. (Regina gets up to retrieve the speaker.) Cora: I don't like what that enchanted box was saying. I'm not... I'm not wicked. Regina: It's not an enchanted box. It's a phone tap. Cora: I don't care. What matters is, they've been warned. Rumpelstiltskin's smart. And now, he has time to think. Regina: But he's injured. (Cora looks at the dagger and notices that Rumpelstiltskin's name is slowly disappearing from the blade.) Cora: More than injured, I'd say. He's dying. And when his name disappears, all of that power of his will just... Boil off into the air and... Then there will be no new Dark One. Regina: Okay. So we have to use him to get Henry back before he dies. Cora: Not in his condition. I don't want to kill him faster. No, there are no other options. I have to stab him with this knife, and take his power as my own. I have to become the Dark One. And with his power, there's nothing I won't be able to do. Regina: But Henry's never going to forgive that. And the whole point of this is... Wait. What is the point of all this? Cora: To protect our family. Regina: Or you gaining your power. Cora: Whatever power I gain is for us - to protect you, to protect Henry. If we lose this battle, we'll spend the rest of our short lives on our knees in front of them. And that, my love? Is something I'll never do. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (King Xavier is throwing a masquerade ball at the castle. Several masked couples are dancing when Cora arrives donning a red dress. She grabs a stray mask and puts it on, and then joins the people standing off to the side.) Cora: Has the King really brought all these wealthy women here to vie to purchase his son? Poor Prince Henry. Henry I: You're very Frank. Cora: Well, I... Oh, my. You're him. You're the Prince. I am very, very... I'm... I'm a goose, aren't I? Henry I: I don't know, let's find out. Can a goose waltz? (Henry I and Cora join the others on the dance floor.) Cora: But I wouldn't want to stand in the way of someone purchasing you. Henry I: Then what are you doing here? Cora: I just came for the free food. Exquisite mutton, by the way. Henry I: Thank you. (King Xavier interrupts their dance.) King Xavier: Excuse me, my boy. May I cut in? Henry I: Of course, father. (King Xavier takes Henry I's spot and resumes dancing with Cora.) Cora: Your Majesty. I didn't expect this honour. King Xavier: Tis no honor. Did you think a stolen gown and pilfered mask would keep me from recognizing you? There's straw on your dress. You carry the mill with you, miller's daughter. Cora: You've got some nerve, disparaging me. You're selling off your own flesh and blood. King Xavier: You're an insolent girl. The kingdom has been strained by righteous wars, and we need our gold, yes. We are still miles above your kind. So now go. There's nothing you can offer us other than errant strands of straw. (He picks a strand of straw off of her dress.) Cora: That is nothing but delusion. King Xavier: What could you possibly have to offer us? Cora: I can turn...straw into gold, and solve all your woes. King Xavier: Really? Cora: But, as you've insulted me, you shall not reap the benefits. Good luck whoring your son. (Cora begins to walk away, but King Xavier grabs her arm and makes an announcement to the crowd.) King Xavier: My loyal subjects! We have a very special personage with us. This woman tells me that she can spin straw into gold. (The crowd laughs.) King Xavier: And she's going to demonstrate it for us! Fetch a spinning wheel! Cora: It takes...time, to gather my thoughts. King Xavier: Oh. I tell you what, my dear. Spend the night here, locked in a tower full of straw. Spin it into gold tomorrow, and you can marry the Prince. Fail, and you die. -[Storybrooke]- (David, Mary Margaret, and Ruby arrive at the docks to meet Emma and company. Neal and Ruby help Mr. Gold off of the ship.) MMB: Are you okay? Emma: Yeah. Yeah, we're alright. (David takes over Ruby's position, and he and Neal head towards the truck with Mr. Gold.) Henry: Uh, I drove a ship. David: Did you now? Henry: Yeah, my dad showed me how. Neal: That's...me. (They set Mr. Gold on the back of the truck.) Mr. Gold: Thank you, thank you. David: Is Cora trying to control you with the dagger? Mr. Gold: Oh, you'd know if she was, cause most of you would be dead by now. MMB: Well, then we'll just have to take the fight to her before that can happen. David: We will. MMB: And this time, we finish it. David: Mary Margaret... MMB: David. She needs to be stopped. She needs to be killed. This is our family. We are going to protect it. David: Of course we will, but what you're talking about goes beyond that. MMB: Does it? Because she is the reason you've never met my mother. David: I know. I know what happened to Queen Eva, and I have zero problem with Cora dying for it. But not by your hand, and not out of vengeance. MMB: Why? David: Because you wouldn't be able to live with yourself. You have the purest heart of anyone I have ever known. That's who you are, and that's who you're going to stay. Emma: You okay? Mr. Gold: Ah, I'm beginning to feel a bit stronger. Take me back to my shop. There's magic there that can protect us. Henry: Let me guess. I get to go with Ruby. Emma: You got it, kid. Ruby: I'll keep him out of the crossfire. MMB: Thank you. Henry: Don't look so worried. You'll stop Cora. You won't let her get away. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Cora is locked in one of the towers in the castle with a spinning wheel and bunches of straw. She looks out the window to the ground and moat below her. Rumpelstiltskin appears.) Rumpelstiltskin: That's never going to work. I mean, you'll escape, but you'll be dead. Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? Cora: Who are you? Rumpelstiltskin: Who are you? Cora: Cora. Rumpelstiltskin: Not a very pretty name, is it? Sounds like something breaking. Cora: How did you get in here? If you got in, I can get out. Rumpelstiltskin: If I understand your situation, this is your way out. (He gestures to the spinning wheel and sits down. He begins feeding straw into the wheel.) Rumpelstiltskin: And what a marvelous coincidence, that spinning straw into gold just so happens to be something that I like to do. Yeah, it's... It's almost like... Like... Like... Like fate. Cora: No one can spin straw into anything, and no one can make... (Suddenly, Rumpelstiltskin magically transforms the straw into a strand of gold.) Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, well, well. Would you look at that? (Cora grabs the gold strand to check for herself.) Cora: You want to help me? Rumpelstiltskin: No, I want you to help me. And you will, because the future? Is my gift. Well, in a manner of speaking. Cora: What could you possibly get from me? Rumpelstiltskin: Funny you should ask. Can you read? (Rumpelstiltskin magically produces a contract. He hands it to Cora, who then proceeds to read it.) Cora: My firstborn child? Rumpelstiltskin: She is quite important. Cora: She? Rumpelstiltskin: Yes, I see the future. Weren't you listening? Anyway, I only get my payment if you live past tomorrow. Cora: You can turn all this straw into gold by morning? Rumpelstiltskin: And you can parade in front of the royals, and demand the hand of the dimly lit Prince. And have them kneel before you. That's what you want, eh? You want them to kneel- Cora: No. Rumpelstiltskin: I... No... What? Cora: Teach me. Don't just do it. Teach me. Make it part of our deal. Rumpelstiltskin: You are a spicy one, aren't you? Oh, well. Rumpelstiltskin. Cora: What? Rumpelstiltskin: My name. Do believe you just earned it. (Rumpelstiltskin waves his hand, causing the contract to briefly glow. He then takes out a quill and hands it to Cora.) Rumpelstiltskin: Now... Let's begin. -[Storybrooke]- (The group has arrived at Mr. Gold's Pawn Shop. They set Mr. Gold in the back part of the shop to rest. Emma enters with an empty glass container.) Mr. Gold: Emma, did you find it? Emma: Yeah. There's nothing in it. (Emma shakes the container, creating a clinking sound.) Emma: What the hell? (She sticks her hand inside the container and takes out something that seems to be invisible.) Mr. Gold: Invisible chalk. Use it in the front doorway. Draw a line. The rest of you, you might want to prepare for battle. (Everyone goes to leave, but Mr. Gold stops Mary Margaret.) Mr. Gold: Oh. Oh, wait, wait. Please. Can you... Get me a warmer blanket? In that cabinet. (Mary Margaret goes to the cabinet and opens the door. Inside, she finds the 'candle of death' that was previously given to her by the Blue Fairy. She slowly takes it out and holds it in front of Mr. Gold.) MMB: Why do you have this? Mr. Gold: For a rainy day. [SCENE_BREAK] (At the front of the shop, Emma draws a line with the invisible chalk in front of the door. Neal watches her.) Neal: Missed a spot. Emma: You're hilarious. Neal: I didn't know you were magical. Emma: Oh, my. Are you getting judgey about this? Cause you're not allowed to have opinions about surprises, Mr. Son-of-Rumpelstiltskin. Neal: Oh... Emma: What 'oh'? Neal: I didn't mean for Tamara to be a surprise. Emma: You think I care that a guy I dated a decade ago is engaged? (David enters.) David: We're all clear outside. Everything okay? [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and Mr. Gold are still conversing in the back of the shop.) MMB: You're not getting any better, are you? Mr. Gold: The candle can save me. There's nothing else. MMB: I wouldn't use this to save my own mother. What makes you think I would use it for you? Mr. Gold: Because you're all grown up now. And for once, our interests are aligned. MMB: She dies instead of you. Mr. Gold: I know you can do this. I know you want to do this. MMB: There's no coming back from murder. Mr. Gold: And there's no coming back from death, either. And that's what will happen to your loved ones. MMB: Even if I were to do this... The candle only works if you whisper the victim's name over them. Mr. Gold: The heart will do. MMB: Cora's heart - it's not in her body. Mr. Gold: Use the candle, curse the heart. And then... Here comes the tricky part. MMB: That's not the tricky part? Mr. Gold: You have to put the heart back inside Cora's body. She will die, and I will live. MMB: There's another way. I get Cora's heart, I control her and make her do the right thing, and I let you die. Takes care of two evils at once. Mr. Gold: I'm just imagining poor Henry's face when he finds out that you killed his grandpa. (Emma enters.) Emma: I drew the invisible line. I...think. What now? You cast a protection spell? Mr. Gold: No, no. You're going to do that for me. I'm relying on you. Emma: I can't cast a spell. I can spell 'spell'. Mr. Gold: You can. It's in you. Emma: How? Here? Like, from my brain? Mr. Gold: Just try. (Emma closes her eyes and concentrates, but nothing happens.) Mr. Gold: Stop thinking! Conjuring magic is not intellectual endeavor. It's emotion. You must ask yourself, 'why am I doing this? Who am I protecting?' Feel it. (Again, Emma closes her eyes. This time, a wave of magic passes over the entire shop.) Mr. Gold: Oh, yeah. You feel it? Emma: Yeah... I think I did. Mr. Gold: Good girl. Very good girl. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (In the tower, Cora is attempting to spin straw into gold without much success. Rumpelstiltskin watches her.) Cora: Ugh! It's not happening. Rumpelstiltskin: You just need to stop thinking about it. Magic is about emotion. Summon up that moment that made you so angry, you would've killed if you could. Cora: You do that? Rumpelstiltskin: I do. Cora: What's your moment? Rumpelstiltskin: Once, a man made me kiss his boots in front of my son. Now, in my mind, I go back and I rip out his throat, and I crunch his veins with my teeth. And that, dearie, is how magic is made. Cora: Bloodlust. Rumpelstiltskin: I like the phrase. Let me help you. (Rumpelstiltskin puts his hands on Cora's shoulders and sits behind her at the spinning wheel. Cora resumes her attempt at spinning straw into gold. Cora talks in an almost trance-like state.) Cora: They made me kneel. I didn't do anything wrong, but they made me apologize - to a child. I realized, no matter how good I was, or how hard I worked... I was never going to be more than I am now. Rumpelstiltskin: What do you want to do to them? Cora: I want to make them bow. I want their kneecaps...to crack and freeze on the stones. I want their necks to break from bending. Rumpelstiltskin: Look. (Cora snaps out of it as the spinning wheel jams. She sees that the piece of straw has turned into gold.) Cora: I did it. I'm going to live. Rumpelstiltskin: You're going to do much more than that, dearie. Don't stop... Until they are on their knees. Cora: Let's keep going. (They continue spinning.) [SCENE_BREAK] (In front of a crowd at the castle, Cora successfully spins straw into gold for King Xavier. Rumpelstiltskin watches from the audience, as she brings a strand of gold to the King for appraisal.) Cora: Here. Here's your gold. King Xavier: This... Did you really do it? Cora: You saw it with your own eyes. King Xavier: You're just a miller's daughter. Cora: I am so much more. King Xavier: You've earned him. (Henry I gets on his knee to propose to Cora.) Henry I: Cora... If you will do me the honour of accepting my hand in marriage. Cora: Yes. (He kisses her hand. Cora makes eye contact with Rumpelstiltskin as he does so.) -[Storybrooke]- (David and Mary Margaret are keeping a lookout for Cora and Regina. David notices that Mary Margaret looks disturbed.) David: What's wrong? Did Gold tell you something? MMB: No. I mean, he just said that Cora's determined to hurt us. David: I won't let that happen. We'll do whatever needs to be done. MMB: You're right. You're absolutely right. (A tremor surges through the building. David enters the back of the shop to warn the others.) David: It's them. Regina and Cora - they're here. (Outside, Regina and Cora conjure a magical fireball together. They throw it against the door, which easily breaks Emma's protection spell. When they enter the shop, they find Emma, Neal, and David armed with swords.) Emma: Regina. Think about what you're doing. Regina: Don't talk to me. (While everyone is distracted, Mary Margaret sneaks out the side door. Regina creates a magical fireball and hurls it at the group, but David deflects it with his sword. Annoyed, Regina magically throws David out the front door and locks him out.) Emma: David! (Cora magically blasts Emma backwards and Neal lunges at Cora in retaliation. Cora disappears in a puff of purple smoke, but drops the dagger on the floor in the process. Regina attempts to magically strangle Emma, but is momentarily distracted when Cora reappears. Grabbing a knife from the counter, Emma gets the upper hand and holds the dagger to Regina's throat. With the dagger still on the floor, Neal and Cora face off.) Neal: What's it going to be? Regina: Mother! Neal: Choose wisely. (Cora summons the dagger to her hand. Emma then throws Regina into Cora, and the two of them fall into the glass counter.) Emma: Fall back to Gold! I have the chalk. (Emma and Neal flee to the back of the shop. Emma draws a line in front of the door with the chalk, creating a protective barrier.) Cora: Help me take out Rumpelstiltskin, and then we'll go back- (Cora suddenly stops talking. She appears to be in minor pain and disorientated.) Regina: Mother, what is it? Cora: My... My heart. It's with my things in your vault. Someone's there. Regina: Mother? Cora: Go. Go! (Regina exits. Cora stands in front of the barrier and gets to work at attempting to break it.) Cora: Really, Rumpel. Hiding's beneath you. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (At the castle, Cora is trying on her wedding dress. Rumpelstiltskin appears behind her.) Rumpelstiltskin: Enjoying the view as much as I am? (They kiss.) Cora: How dare you. I'm a married woman. Rumpelstiltskin: Not yet. Wedding's tomorrow. (They kiss again.) Cora: Hm. Well, then it's alright. Rumpelstiltskin: Love the dress. Cora: Royal brides have to be snow white. Rumpelstiltskin: When you see the future, there is irony everywhere. Cora: You know, I thought I wanted this. White and bright, all the admiration. But then I look at it. Fifth in line to be Queen. That won't happen without an awful lot of bloodshed. And what you give me... Rumpelstiltskin: I can give you nothing but darkness and isolation. Cora: And love. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah. And love. Cora: I want that. Rumpelstiltskin: What if I, uh... What if I, uh... Amended, our contract? Instead of you owing me some random firstborn child, you owe me my child? Cora: I can make that deal. Rumpelstiltskin: As can I. Cora: Rumpel, can we really do this? Can we really have this? Rumpelstiltskin: If you truly wish it. Cora: There is one... Rumpelstiltskin: What? Cora: It's the King. He humiliated me. He made me feel the way you've shown me I never have to feel. I want to kill him. I want to show him his heart before I do it. So he can see it and know what I'm doing as I crush it. Rumpelstiltskin: And that is why I love you. (Cora puts her hand on Rumpelstiltskin's chest. She can feel his heart beat beneath her fingers.) Cora: Show me. Rumpelstiltskin: I will show you everything. Cora: Then I'll do it tonight. Rumpelstiltskin: Let's seal that promise. (Once again, they kiss.) -[Storybrooke]- (Mary Margaret has broken into Regina's mausoleum. Inside, she navigates the chambers until she comes to one with several chests and cabinets.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside of Mr. Gold's shop, David comes to. He calls Emma, who is still in the back room, on his cell phone.) Emma: David? David: Are you safe? Emma: For now. I've got the spell up in the back room. David: Is Mary Margaret okay? (The scene flashes to Mary Margaret, who is rummaging through the boxes in the chamber.) Emma: She's not with you? David: No. Where the hell is she? [SCENE_BREAK] (Still searching, Mary Margaret opens one of the cabinets and finds the inside filled with small boxes containing hearts. The box where Cora's heart lies is glowing and a heart beat can be heard. She removes the box and opens the lid. When she sees the beating heart, Mary Margaret quickly slams the lid shut and closes her eyes. Making a decision, she reopens the box, and lights both ends of the 'candle of death'. She holds the candle over Cora's heart and whispers the name.) MMB: Cora.... Cora... (The name echoes throughout the chamber. Mary Margaret then blows out the ends of the candle.) -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Cora enters one of the castle's towers and finds King Xavier winding the strands of gold onto spools.) Cora: They told me I'd find you counting your treasure. King Xavier: Well, you've made us a rich kingdom again. How can I help you? Cora: I don't love your son. King Xavier: I didn't expect you to. Not much there to love, frankly. But this is not about love. It's about alliances. (King Xavier stands up and approaches Cora. He takes her hands in his.) King Xavier: Love is weakness. It isn't for hard women like you. That should make your choice easier. Cora: What choice? King Xavier: Run off with the evil imp you don't think anyone knows about, in the name of love, or stand next to my son with a crown on your head and citizens at your feet. Cora: If the choice is love or power, then even having a heart is a liability. (Cora places her hand on his chest and over his heart.) Cora: Don't you think? (Elsewhere in the castle, Cora is shown heading back to her room with a box containing a heart.) -[Storybrooke]- (Cora is still attempting to break the protective barrier with magic. Emma, Neal, and Mr. Gold are still stuck in the back room.) Neal: It's getting weaker. She's going to get through. Mr. Gold: Maybe it's for the best. At least this cursed power will pass from this world. Neal: No. No, you're not dying. Mr. Gold: I am dying. That much is certain. I need to talk to Belle. Emma, please. Neal: Who's Belle? (Emma dials a number and hands her cell phone to Mr. Gold.) Emma: Your dad's girlfriend. (Belle, who is still in the hospital, answers the phone.) Belle: Mr. Gold, I... I told you before, I... I-I don't remember you. Mr. Gold: I-I... I know. I know. It's just... Sweetheart, I... I'm dying. Belle: Oh. I'm, uh... I'm... I'm so sorry. Mr. Gold: I know that you're...confused about who you are. So, I'm going to tell you. You are a hero, who helped your people. You're a beautiful woman, who loved an ugly man. Really, really loved me. You find goodness in others. And when it's not there, you create it. You make me want to go back. Back, to the best version of me. And that never happened before. So, when you look in the mirror and you don't know who you are, that's who you are. Thank you... Belle... (Mr. Gold hangs up the phone. Neal clears his throat and breaks the awkward silence.) Neal: Didn't know you had that in you. Mr. Gold: Oh, I'm full of love. I've spent a lifetime looking for you. For a chance to say I love you. And I'm sorry. Neal: I didn't think you would go back on our deal. Mr. Gold: I just made the wrong choice. May I? (Mr. Gold extends his hand to Neal.) Neal: I'm still angry. Mr. Gold: I know... (Neal takes his hand and the two of them have a moment.) [SCENE_BREAK] (On her way out of the mausoleum, heart box in hand, Mary Margaret runs into Regina.) Regina: You have no right to be here. And you have no right to that! MMB: I was going to give it to you. Regina: What? MMB: She can't love you, you know. She doesn't have her heart. With it, maybe she can. That's why you've never felt she loved you. She doesn't have her heart. But I do. Regina: You're doing this for me? MMB: Think about it. What would happen if Cora had her heart back? Back inside her? Regina: She told me she took it out to protect herself. MMB: And did it work? The person she was before... Do you think that person survived? She can't love, so she can't love you. Regina: She always wanted the best for me. That's love. MMB: Imagine real love. You'd have a mother, and a start on making a family Henry could be a part of. Or, you could have her be the Dark One. The choice is yours. (Mary Margaret holds out the box containing Cora's heart.) -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Rumpelstiltskin is waiting by a tree in the middle of the forest. Cora arrives with the heart she was shown with earlier.) Rumpelstiltskin: I was starting to grow concerned. Cora: Well, here I am. (They kiss.) Rumpelstiltskin: Something's not right. Cora: Yes. You're correct. Rumpelstiltskin: Well, what happened? Couldn't you take the King's heart? Cora: No, I was able to do it. I chose not to. Rumpelstiltskin: Ah. Cora: I'm sorry, my dear Rumpel. I'm not going with you. You see, I have a wedding to go to - my own. Rumpelstiltskin: Whose heart is in the box? Cora: Don't make this harder. Rumpelstiltskin: You lied to me. Whose heart? Cora: Mine. I had to. You told me not to let anything stop me until they're on their knees. My heart was stopping me. Rumpelstiltskin: You never loved me. Never. You're not getting away with this. We had a contract. I'll take your baby! Cora: You changed the contract, Rumpel. You only get your own child. And any baby I have... It won't be yours. -[Storybrooke]- (Still unsuccessful at breaking through the barrier, Cora looks at the dagger. Rumpelstiltskin's name has almost completely disappeared.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret is sitting on the steps of Regina's mausoleum with her head in her hands. David finds her.) David: Mary Margaret! Are you okay?! Are you... What did you do? MMB: You were right. This isn't me. [SCENE_BREAK] (Finally, Cora breaks through the barrier and enters the back of the shop. Emma and Neal are armed and prepared to fight.) Cora: You two - out of the way. (Cora magically teleports Neal and Emma out of the room. They appear on a random path in the middle of the woods. Cora and Mr. Gold are left alone.) Mr. Gold: A vision told me about you. Told me this day would come. But it didn't tell me everything. Didn't tell me what I really wanted to know. (Cora sits next to Mr. Gold on the bed.) Cora: And what's that? Mr. Gold: Did you ever love me? (Cora strokes the side of his face.) Cora: Why do you think I had to rip my own heart out? You were my weakness. You are the only man I ever truly loved. (Cora stands up and raises the dagger above Mr. Gold. Before she has a chance to stab him, Regina appears and shoves Cora's heart back into her chest. The dagger falls to the ground and Mr. Gold seems to instantly recover. Cora staggers backwards and looks up to see Regina. Cora's demeanor completely changes and she smiles. Hopeful, Regina smiles back.) Regina: Mother... -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Cora, King Xavier, and Henry I stand before a crowd of people at the castle. Cora is holding a newborn in her arms.) King Xavier: Princess Cora, please. Tell me, daughter, what's her name? Cora: Her name is Regina, for one day, she will be Queen. (Cora holds up baby Regina and the crowd before her kneels.) -[Storybrooke]- (Cora continues with her strange behaviour and begins to laugh. Confused, Mr. Gold checks the wound on his chest and discovers that it has completely healed over. Cora pauses and looks down, where she finds a hole has developed in her chest. Regina catches her as she collapses to the ground and she holds Cora in her arms. Mr. Gold retrieves his dagger from the floor.) Regina: Mother? Mother? What's wrong? Cora: This... Would've been enough. You... You would've been enough. (Cora stops talking and her eyes shut.) Regina: Mother? What's going on? Mother? Don't leave me, please... What am I going to do? Mr. Gold: Your mother did you no favours. Regina: Shut up! You stole her life! You cast some spell. Mr. Gold: I did nothing. (A frantic Mary Margaret rushes into the room with David trailing behind her.) MMB: Regina! Stop! Regina: You did this. -[End]-

Cora's desire to rid herself of Rumplestiltskin in order to take his place as The Dark One takes one step closer to becoming reality as she and Regina try to overpower a dying Mr. Gold, and Mary Margaret is once again tempted by dark magic. Meanwhile, in the fairytale land that was, Rumplestiltskin agrees to offer his services to a younger Cora - for a price - when the king calls her bluff and orders her to actually follow through on her boast of being able to spin straw into gold.

fd_Frasier_09x23

fd_Frasier_09x23_0

Skyline: A helicopter rises above the buildings. ACT 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's apartment. It is Daphne's birthday party. Daphne, Martin, and Mrs. Moon are seated at the table, with Frasier and Niles standing behind them. Daphne leans in to blow out the candle on a cake. All applaud. Niles: Yay! Did you make a wish, sweetheart? Gertrude: Of course she did! She wished her father still loved his children enough to call his only daughter on her birthday! [She rises and moves to the couch.] Or his wife. Oh, but that's a man for you. Once he's planted his seed and you've borne his spawn, he moves on to spread his filth elsewhere! Frasier: [attempting to divert the subject] Sounds like a toast to me! I'll get the champagne. Martin: I'll just have a beer. Niles: Oh, I'm not so sure we should introduce alcohol into the situation... He gestures nervously to Daphne, who rises and moves toward the couch. Frasier: Well, Daphne, why don't you open your presents. Niles: Yes, that's a good idea! Frasier: Yeah, here, mine and Dad's first. He hands her a gift. She opens it. Frasier: Happy birthday, Daphne! Daphne: Oh, it's a journal! Oh, it's lovely. Thank you. Martin: You don't need to say that for my benefit. I wanted to get you one of those robot dogs. You know, something you could really use. He glares at Frasier. The doorbell rings. Niles answers it to Roz. Niles: Hey, Roz. Roz: Hey, Niles. Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz. Roz: Thank you. Sorry I'm late. [Niles takes her coat.] Niles: Oh, no, not at all. Daphne's just opening her gifts. Roz: [rushing to the coffee table] Here's mine! Daphne: Oh, Roz, you didn't have to get me anything! Roz: Don't be silly. Happy birthday. Daphne removes a black teddy from the bag Roz has given her. Daphne: Ooh... Niles: We love it! Roz: Yes, Roger loved black lace. But he didn't get to see me in it... [recovering] Black lace, I mean. I bought this one for you - new! Daphne: Thank you, Roz. Gertrude: Some man break your heart, did he? Roz: Oh, yeah, but I'll be OK. Gertrude: Sure you will. Until you realize he was the love of your life and he's gone for good. Then not a night will pass when you don't beg the good Lord to take you in your sleep. Roz is unsure how to react to this speech. Niles: [with biting sarcasm] We all have those thoughts. Daphne: [irritated] Niles, can I see you in the kitchen, please? Niles: [obediently, but poutingly] Yeah. They rise and exit, Niles following Daphne like a puppy. Roz picks up the journal. Roz: What's this? Martin: Heh-heh. That's what I said. I can tell you what it isn't. Frasier: Dad, would you let it go? Reset to: the kitchen. Daphne: I know she's difficult, but we need to be sensitive with Mum right now. Niles: "Difficult?" I yearn for the days of Difficult. Difficult was a picnic. I keep a picture of Difficult in a heart- shaped frame next to my bed. Difficult was a... Daphne: [cutting him off] All right, Niles, I know! But it's harder for her now. I think she's finally realizing that Dad's not coming back. I guess I am too. Niles: [sympathetically] I'm sorry. I will be more patient with her. Daphne: Thank you, Niles. Reset to: the living room. Gertrude: [to Roz] And if you do it right, he'll bleed from the inside and no one will know it was you. Niles and Daphne re-enter. Frasier: Oh, Daphne! I think there's still an unopened gift left for you. Martin: There's an unopened gift for me in the fridge. [Rising, to Niles] Try and stop me! He exits. Niles: Daphne. [Handing her his gift.] Happy birthday, darling! Daphne: [excitedly] Oh, Niles, it's a trip! Niles: This weekend. You and I are jetting off to Hawaii for a five-star Polynesian retreat. Daphne: Oh, how exciting! Oh, thank you. [They kiss.] Niles: The first day, we are being taken by outrigger to an exclusive island for a private luau. Roz: Roger and I were supposed to go back to Wisconsin this weekend for my family reunion. Niles: Oh, that's lovely! [eager, barely noticing Roz] And the second day, we're going to take a cruise to Molokai. Roz: Of course, you can't go to Wisconsin without taking a couple of cheese tours. Niles: [completely missing the point] Well, you sure can't, no. And then we're in Molokai, we're going to go snorkeling with the sea tortoise. Roz: And then, the Dells - Roger really wanted to ride one of those big duck boats. Gertrude: [gets up] I've heard enough. All these lovey-dovey stories about traveling and romance. And then you with your birthday! Can't you all see that I'm hurting? I can't hide it anymore! She exits to the powder room. All are taken aback by her speech. Daphne walks to the cake and lights the candle again. Niles: What are you doing? Daphne: I want to change my wish. She blows out the candle. [SCENE_BREAK] AND SHE'S THE CARROTS Scene 2 - Frasier's apartment, later that evening. Roz and Frasier are the only ones remaining. They are cleaning up. Roz: I started the dishwasher. Frasier: Thanks, Roz, I'll see you tomorrow. Roz: Do you want me to run the vacuum cleaner? Frasier: No thanks, I can do it in the morning. Roz: Are you sure? I mean, it would just take a second. Frasier: You don't want to go home, do you? Roz: Not really. Alice is in Wisconsin with her grandmother, and it's just hard to face an empty house. Frasier: Well, I'll tell you what, Roz. Why don't you sit down and we'll shoot the breeze for a while. They sit. Roz: And when I think about this trip to Wisconsin, I just dread going without Roger. My family thinks I'm a total loser as it is. Now I'm just going to prove them right. "Roz is a failure at love." "Roz can't find a man." Frasier: They don't really say that, do they? Roz: Oh, you haven't met my perfect sister, Denise. I mean, I love her and everything, but she's a total bitch. Frasier: Well, you know, I-I could go with you. Roz: What? Frasier: Sure, for moral support. Roz: Frasier, is that how you want to spend your vacation? Frasier: I don't know. It just might be the perfect time for me to see a giant duck and a lot of cheese. Roz: Thank you, Frasier. Frasier: You want to watch some TV, maybe we can find a good movie? Roz: Yeah! [Frasier turns on the TV.] Yeah, ever since this whole Roger thing happened, you've really come through for me. It means a lot. Why can't more men be like you? I mean, you are exactly what women are looking for. Frasier: Yeah. Women I date don't seem to know that. Roz: Some women don't know what's good for them. Frasier: [dejectedly] Terrific. I'm the broccoli of dating. Roz laughs. They relax and watch TV. They are very comfortable and casual together, far more so than usual. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - The following morning. Frasier's bedroom. We see a close-up of Frasier lying next to someone. The camera moves out to reveal a sleeping Roz, looking very satisfied, cuddled under Frasier's arm. You are reading this correctly! Frasier awakens, sees Roz, and suddenly looks uneasy and shocked. Roz then awakens as well, is highly embarrassed, and slides out of the bed, taking the sheet with her and lifting Frasier's arm to escape. Roz walks nervously behind the bed and toward the bathroom. Frasier: [uneasily] Morning. Roz: [quickly, shouting] Morning! She rushes into the bathroom and slams the door. Frasier: Can I get you some coffee? Roz: [from the bathroom] I would love to stay, but no. I've really got to run. I got the tile guy coming. Frasier: [struggling for words] Right. So this is a little strange, huh? Roz: Yeah, it is. But good strange! Roz is obviously dressing very hurriedly. Frasier is more uneasy. Frasier: Yeah. Roz emerges, clothed in what she was wearing the previous night. Roz: You know. Tile guy. [She returns the sheet to the bed.] Frasier: Right, yeah, I'll get up. Roz: No! It is too late. Frasier has risen and begun to put on his bathrobe. He didn't bother to cover himself before doing this. This makes Roz even more uneasy. Roz: Okay. I really have to go. I'll see you at work. Frasier: Roz, you okay? Roz: Everything's super! She hurriedly puts on her boot. Frasier: Maybe we should talk about this. Roz: And we will! Just not right now, 'cause I'm really late. You know, I mean for the tile guy. She rapidly exits the bedroom. Frasier: Let me walk you out. CUT TO: Living Room Roz runs out to the living room, grabs her coat, picks up her purse from the coffee table, and races to the door. Frasier follows. Frasier: Roz, maybe we could have dinner later. Roz: Okay, and we can talk then. I mean, not that I really need to talk because I'm fine. Unless you're not fine. She is obviously not fine. She fumbles with her purse and coat and puts on the other boot, rapidly and nervously. Frasier: No, no, I'm fine. A little strange, though, huh? Roz: Yeah, but good strange! Martin: [heard from the kitchen] Damn it, Eddie, just because I dropped something it doesn't make it yours! As Frasier turns in panic towards the sound of Martin's voice, Roz rushes out. He turns back round and sees her gone. Frasier: God, what have I done? What have I done? What have I done? Martin: [entering] Morning, Fras. Frasier: [recovering, casually] Morning, Dad. Martin: You see the paper yet? Frasier: Uh, no I haven't. Martin: Big story about how Roz's purse spent the night on the coffee table. He sits at the dining table. Frasier takes some time to react in horror to this. Martin grins. Frasier: It's not what it looks like. Martin: I know that. Frasier: Oh, what do you mean "you know that?" Shows what you know, it's exactly what it looks like! Martin: Oh, I knew that! Frasier: Well, anyway, it's none of your business, so I'm not discussing it with you. [then] Oh, Dad, I've done a terrible thing. Martin: Oh, geez, what happened? And don't tell me too much. Frasier: Well, I-I don't even know how this happened. She was lonely. She probably thinks I took advantage of her, I mean, that's why she ran out of here. Do you think I did? Martin: Fras, you're both adults. Where's the harm? Frasier: Well, you can't be serious, Dad! I mean, do you realize what this means? I have probably destroyed our friendship. Do you know what she'll see every time she looks at me? Martin: Your naked body. Frasier: Oh, dear God! I was going to say "someone who's betrayed her trust," but oh, dear God! Martin: Now, Frasier, don't get all worked up. When are you supposed to see her next? Frasier: We're meeting for dinner tonight. Martin: So everything's normal. You're going to feel weird and stupid for a while, and then you'll have a big laugh about it and move on. Frasier: Yeah, you-you're probably right. I mean, we're adults. We can discuss this. We're going to be fine. Well, we'd better be. I told her I'd go to Wisconsin with her. Martin: Wow, you really were lonely. Niles and Daphne enter. Daphne: I want to go on this trip as much as you do, but we can't leave Mum alone for a week right now. She seems unbalanced. Niles: [helping her off with her jacket] Well, well, maybe she could stay here with Frasier and Dad. Frasier: [reacting quickly and excitedly] Whoa! Whoa! What are we talking about? Daphne: It's Mum again. She's been crying non-stop since we left here last night. Martin: Sounds like a job for the prescription pad, Niles. Daphne: I can't even get Dad on the phone. He doesn't even know I'm engaged. I guess I can forget about him walking me down the aisle. The phone rings. Frasier answers. Frasier: Hello? Roz, hi. He looks at Martin, who gives him an approving gesture. Frasier: Yeah, hang on one sec. He runs to his bedroom. Niles: Daphne, I have a solution. I want you to use those tickets and take your mother to Hawaii. Daphne: Are you out of your mind? Niles: No, no, no, we are going to have a lifetime of romantic trips, but right now what's important is taking care of your mom. Like you said, she's fragile. Daphne: Niles, that's very thoughtful, but I don't want to go to Hawaii with my Mom. I want to go with you. Niles: Just hear me out! Daphne exits to the kitchen. Martin: Are you really going to let that old bat manipulate you out of a trip to Hawaii? Niles: Dad, I have a plan. Martin: Niles, you're a sucker. You know Mrs. Moon's so-called knee injury? Well, last night I noticed her limping on the wrong leg. Niles: I know. She switches. Niles goes to the kitchen. Frasier re-enters from his bedroom. Martin: How's Roz? Frasier: She's fleeing the city, thank you. Martin: Oh, come on! Frasier: She's going to Wisconsin without me. She's leaving immediately. I told you this was going to happen. Our friendship is in ruins. Martin: Yeah. Frasier: What do you mean, "yeah?" Martin: Well, I kind of thought that might happen. I was just trying to make you feel better. As he philosophically sips his coffee, we: [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT I ACT II Scene 4 - Martin has driven Frasier, Niles, Daphne, and Gertrude to the airport. They pull up inside a parking garage. Daphne, Gertrude, and Niles exit the car. Niles: Now remember, when you arrive, a car will be waiting to take you to the Nanehalaka Ha'e Alahe House. Gertrude: I don't know why we can't go somewhere where they speak English! Daphne: They do speak English in Hawaii, Mum. Martin: [smugly] How come you can fly to Hawaii, but you can't fly to England? Gertrude: How come you can drive your car, but you can't do your own laundry? Martin: [biting his tongue] Have a good trip. Daphne: Thank you again Niles. [They kiss.] I love you. Niles: I love you too. I wish I could walk you to the gate, but security... Gertrude: Yeah, well, we'd better hurry if we're going to pass Customs. Daphne: [exasperated and weary] It's the same country, Mum. [to Niles] I'm going to miss you so much! Niles: Oh, God, I know. [They kiss again.] Gertrude and Daphne exit. Niles surreptitiously grabs a small suitcase from the trunk and climbs in the back seat. Frasier: [sarcastically] Well, that's going to be a good time. Niles: I do feel a little guilty, but it's for a greater good. Martin: Where to, Niles? Niles: Virgin Atlantic. It's right there. Frasier: What's this? You're going somewhere? Niles: England. I'm going to find Daphne's father and bring him back here if I have to check every pub in Manchester. Frasier: You can't be serious. Martin: I can't do my own laundry because I can't carry the basket and my cane at the same time. That's what I should have said! Niles: Daphne wants to get her parents back together. I'm going to try to make that happen. At the very least, he's going to walk her down that aisle. It'll be the biggest surprise anyone ever gave her. Frasier: It's a beautiful gesture, Niles. Martin: Bye. Niles exits. Frasier: Why didn't you tell me he was going to England? Martin: Same reason I didn't tell him you were going to Wisconsin. Which way? Frasier: Oh, right. [checks his ticket] Concourse "B." Martin: You think this is a smart plan, surprising Roz in front of her family? Frasier: Well, what else would you suggest I do, Dad? I couldn't reach her by phone. Roz and I have got to talk before this turns into a permanent divide in our friendship. Martin: Okay, but you know what she's going to see when she looks at you. Frasier: Yes, yes, I know, my naked body. I'll have you know there are worse states... Martin: All right, just stop this! I've got enough horror shows in my head. Here we are. Frasier: Thank you. Oh, by the way, Dad. I got you a little something to keep you company while I'm away. He pulls out a silvery metallic "robot dog." Martin: Oh, no way! The robot dog! Thanks, son. Frasier: Sure. Martin: Oh, good, you got the girl one so it won't fight with Eddie. Frasier: [wearily] Dad, it's not a girl. That's where the batteries go. Frasier exits the car. Martin admires the robot dog. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 5 - Roz's family home somewhere in Wisconsin. Roz's sister Denise opens the door to reveal Frasier. Denise is a wholesome-looking, clean-cut young woman, whose cheerfulness is saccharine and very artificial. Frasier: Hi, um, I'm looking for Roz Doyle. Denise: Oh, well, she's out shopping with her cousin right now, but come in! I'm her sister, Denise. Frasier: Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet you. Denise: Oh, likewise. All we've been hearing is "Roger this" and Roger that," but we've seen no Roger. We were beginning to think that you didn't really exist. Frasier: I'm afraid you've made a mistake, you see... Frasier can't get a word in edgewise to correct the following. Denise: Well, obviously we did, but you can't blame us. It wouldn't be the first time that she's made up a boyfriend. We've really been having a lot of fun with her. She laughs. Frasier sees what Roz hates and dreads about her sister, and decides to play along. Denise: Oh, honey, look. Roger is here. There really is one! Craig, Denise's equally clean-cut young husband, comes over. Craig: Well, I'll be a son of a gun. Good to know you. Craig Dawson, Met-Life. Frasier: [shaking hands] Hi, Roger... Hammerstein! Denise: Well, come on in and meet everyone. Frasier: Oh, thank you. Denise: Roger, this is Aunt Pearl and Cousin Curtis, and Great Uncle Olaf. Frasier says hellos all around. The family mills about and observes him. Craig: Well, honey, it looks like you owe Roz an apology. Denise: Oh, now, she knows I was just teasing her. I'm just relieved that she's finally found someone. We just want her to have the kind of happiness that we've found. She gazes admiringly at Craig, and they kiss. Frasier: Well, you know, I intend to do everything in my power to give her just that. I love Roz, and I intend to prove it to her. That's why I've come. Behind his back, Roz has entered during this last speech. For one frozen moment, she wonders if Frasier has fallen for her after their night of passion. Roz: Oh my God, what's going on? Frasier: [surprised and embarrassed] Roz... Denise: Roger, can Craig fix you a drink? Roz: [pausing] Roger? Frasier: Yeah, sweetheart, hi! [He moves to embrace Roz.] I'd love that drink. [kisses her] Denise: Well, well, well. It looks like you've really made an impression on Roger here, Roz. Roz: Yeah. Denise: How did you two meet again? Frasier: Oh, gosh, well, it's the cutest story. Oh, come on, honey, sit down. He sits her down on the couch next to him. Roz smiles uneasily, but she is clearly rather pleased with this turn of events. Frasier: Um, it all started when... Alice used to wave at me when I was driving my trash-collecting truck. Denise: Oh, well, I guess Alice is sure going to be happy to see you again. Frasier: [off Roz's look] Oh, well, you know, it's funny, as well as Alice and I get along, she always mistakes me for Roz's boss. It's weird, isn't it? Roz: Oh, yeah! They laugh, easily. Craig brings him a drink. Craig: Here we are. Frasier: Thank you. Craig: So Roger, I hear you're a big golfer. What do you shoot? Frasier: Well, you know, actually, since I've met Roz, I don't get much time for golf. Denise: Well, don't get too used to that, Roz. I've been a golf widow ever since I've been married. It's like a disease with them. She maintains her artificial grin throughout. Frasier: Well, maybe with most men, but not with me. I mean, my spare time is precious, so I like to spend it with the people that I love, like Roz and Alice, and who knows, maybe someday some more little ones. He has been looking lovingly at Roz. She returns the very real sentiment, despite the charade. He picks up a picture frame. Frasier: Especially if they look like this here. Roz: Oh, my... I hated that picture. Big ugly glasses and... I guess I was trying to look like Dorothy Hamil. Denise: We warned you not to get that haircut, but you insisted. Frasier: You know, if I'd met this girl in the fifth grade, I wouldn't have dated anybody else. Gosh, can I get a copy of this for my desk at work? Denise: You have a desk? Frasier: Dashboard. They all laugh. Roz's family is quite taken with "Roger." [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 6 - Frasier's apartment. Eddie is looking suspiciously at the robot dog, which is not moving. Martin is on the phone. Martin: Yeah, I looked at the "getting started" section. Yeah, I did that. Voice activation? Yeah, I did everything it said. While Martin is not looking, Eddie barks and the robot dog stands up. Martin: "Appendix B?" Where is Appendix B? I just want this damn thing to do some tricks. Eddie barks again. The robot dog responds by bending down its front legs and wagging its tail. Martin: Can't you make this easier? You know, you shouldn't have to be a rocket scientist to play with some stupid toy. [Eddie barks and the dog stands upright again.] Eddie, be quiet, I'm on the phone. The robot dog starts to dance for Eddie. Martin does not see it. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 7 - The Doyle family house. It is a bit later. Frasier is continuing to charm the family as Roger." Frasier: So this one's getting tired. She wants to turn around and head back up the beach, when finally she sees the blanket surrounded by candles, and the food and the wine that I had set up. Roz: [enjoying this greatly] And don't forget the diamond bracelet you gave me. Everyone responds with "Awwws" all around. Denise looks decidedly unhappy. Craig: I had no idea there was that kind of money in the garbage business. Denise: [bitingly, but retaining her grin] You have no idea about a lot of things. Craig: What's that supposed to mean? Denise: Well, why can't you be more like him and do something special for me once in a while? Craig: [imitating her grin] Why can't you be like her and not be such a nag? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 8 - Time fade. Frasier and Roz are stepping out of the house onto the porch. Roz: [ecstatic] That was the best half hour I have ever spent with my family! Thank you! But what are you doing here? Frasier: I just had to make sure we were okay. Roz: I told you we were okay. Frasier: Yeah, I know, and then you ran away. Roz: I know, I should have stayed and talked to you. It's just, usually when I'm freaked out I turn to you, and this time I just didn't feel like I could. She grabs her head, a bit ashamed, and sits on the porch. Frasier: I'm so sorry. Roz: For what? Frasier: For that. For that evening. You were vulnerable, and I feel like I took advantage of you. He sits next to her. Roz: Oh, Frasier, I'm a grownup, and I make my own decisions. I was just worried that... well, over the years, we've almost gone to bed a couple of times, and we haven't because we were afraid it would damage our friendship. Frasier: Now we've done it. Roz: Right. I was just worried that things would change between us. Frasier: That's what I came here to ask you. Roz pauses, not knowing what to say. She changes the subject. Roz: I remember the last time I sat here. Just like this. My old high school boyfriend sat right where you are, and told me that he had been accepted into college in Boston. Frasier: Hmm. Roz: And I just stared at his shoelaces. I was afraid I would cry if I looked anywhere else, you know? Anyway, we promised that we would always be friends. It was just the saddest thing in the world because I knew it wasn't true. She looks as if she is about to cry this time as well. Frasier: [emotionally, clearly worried] And this time? Roz: Oh, we'll always be friends, Frasier. Nothing's going to ever change that. They embrace. Roz: I can't believe you traveled all this way. Frasier: Well, that's what people do when they care about someone. SMASH CUT TO: Scene 9 - A pub in Manchester, England. Niles walks in the door, looking quite haggard and weary. He chokes on the smoke and the general smell of the place. He walks up to the bar. Niles: Excuse me. Do you know a man named Harry Moon - and no, that is not the start of a limerick. The bartender nods to a white-haired gentleman in a cardigan right next to Niles. As Niles steps back from the bar, Harry puts down his glass and swivels to face Niles. Niles: Mr. Moon? Harry: Who's asking? Niles: My name is Niles Crane. I'm planning to marry your daughter. Harry quickly looks Niles up and down. Harry: You look okay to me. All right, you have my blessing. He turns back to the bar and lifts his glass... Niles: Thank you, but actually, I'm here to reunite you with your wife. Harry's glass freezes on its way to his lips. He suddenly looks apoplectic. More strangely, though, Niles realizes that the pub has gone totally silent. He turns and sees everyone staring at him. Harry puts down his glass, grabs Niles by the back of his coat and marches him toward the door. Niles: Oh, Mr. Moon... Mr. Moon... Harry violently throws Niles out the door of the pub and returns to his seat at the bar. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT II [SCENE_BREAK] The robot dog continues to do various contortions for Eddie, which Eddie then imitates. Eddie eventually becomes more curious, sniffs the robot dog, and knocks it down on its side.

It is Daphne's birthday which culminates in everyone giving Daphne her presents: Frasier and Martin buy her a journal , while Niles surprises her with a trip to Hawaii for just the two of them. Daphne's mother's constant moaning leads to Daphne wanting to change her birthday wish. After the party, Roz does not want to go home, as she would be alone; Alice is at her grandmother's. This leads to Frasier and Roz spending the evening in conversation. However, both of them get a shock the next morning when they realize they slept together. Frasier tries to get Roz to talk about what happened, but she wants to leave as quickly as possible. After listening to Daphne feeling sad about the fact that her father will not be able to give her away at her wedding, Niles has a brainstorm. He asks Daphne to take her mother to Hawaii to try to cheer her up. There is a method to his madness: he is planning to fly to England and try to convince Daphne's father to come to Seattle and reconcile with Daphne's mother. Frasier, meanwhile, is worried that Roz's refusal to discuss what happened between them will endanger their relationship, so on hearing that Roz has gone to visit her parents in Wisconsin , he decides to fly there and see her. So Martin drops Daphne and her mother off at the airport, followed by Niles, then Frasier. He stays at home with a new robot dog for company, although only Eddie seems to be able to make it respond to commands. Roz's family mistakes Frasier for Roger and Roz is surprised by his sudden arrival. Finding a moment to themselves, the two talk things out about their relationship and how good friends would do anything to keep them in their lives. At the same time, Niles finds Daphne's father, Harry, drunk in a pub.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_06x44

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_06x44_0

The War Games By Malcolm Hulke and Terrance Dicks 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, EXT: TARDIS (Across a mud-churned battlefield. The figures of Jamie and Zoe and the Doctor are struggling to move. There is a sound of a great rushing wind, and when they speak, their voices sound slurred as if they are record being played at the wrong speed. Every step seems to be taking a greater effort than the last. They collapse at the door to the TARDIS an the Doctor manages to get the key into the lock, but at the last moment he stumbles and falls back, the fingers of his outstretched hand brushing the key, desperately trying to summon up enough strength to turn it.) ZOE: What's happening Doctor? I can hardly move! DOCTOR: It's a force-field. Concentrate, we may be able to break through it. Help me with the key. Concentrate! (Just as it seems all is lost, Jamie grabs the Doctor's arm and thrusts it towards the lock, and the Doctor turns the key. The trio struggle through the door on their hands and knees.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (The TARDIS crew groan as they struggle though the vast double doors. The Doctor manages to totter to his feet, stumbles in slow motion towards the console, and begins to tug at a set of controls.) ZOE: It's in here too. JAMIE: Will we get away all right Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, I hope so Jamie. If I can boost the power enough, the TARDIS may be able to break through the force-field. [SCENE_BREAK] 3, EXT: TARDIS (Mid shot of TARDIS dematerialising against the skyline.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM JAMIE: Well what was happening, why was it so difficult to move? DOCTOR: It was the Time-Lords! ZOE: But they're your own people aren't they Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, that's right. JAMIE: Why did you run away from them in the first place? DOCTOR: Wha? ...Well... I was bored! ZOE: What do you mean you were bored! DOCTOR: The Time Lords are an immensely civillised race. We can control our own environment, we can live forever barring accidents, and we have the secret of space time travel. JAMIE: Well what's so wrong in all that? DOCTOR: Well we hardly ever use our great powers! We consent simply to observe and to gather knowledge. ZOE: And that wasn't enough for you? DOCTOR: No! Of course not! With a whole galaxy to explore? Millions of planets? Aeons of time, countless civilisations to meet?! JAMIE: Well why do they object to you doing all that? DOCTOR: Well... It is a fact, Jamie, that I do tend to get involved with things. JAMIE: Aye, you can say that again! Whenever there's any trouble he's in it right up to his neck! ZOE: But you've helped people, Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, but that's no excuse in their eyes. JAMIE: Well then what are you going to do? DOCTOR: We're going to run away! I... I've set the controls to take us to a planet on the outermost fringes of the galaxy... JAMIE: Oh, in that case, we'll probably land up right in their laps! (The Doctor smiles and nods, then realising what Jamie has just said, scowls at him and as he opens his mouth to make a riposte, the TARDIS begins to echo with a pained sound of dematerialisation. Zoe runs to the console, and the Doctor Joins her.) ZOE: We can't be landing already... DOCTOR: Well that is impossible! [SCENE_BREAK] 5, MODEL SHOT (TARDIS materialising in the air, then falling steadily downwards until it touches down on some alien sea with a watery plop.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM JAMIE: Oh it's the sea. ZOE: Well don't worry Jamie, we know the TARDIS can't sink. JAMIE: Oh can't it? Look! (They look at the monitor screen aghast as fish swim backwards and forwards around what appears to be a picturesque coral reef.) ZOE: Oh now what can we do? (On the screen, above a tuna swims ferociously by.) JAMIE: Look out! DOCTOR: It's all right it can't possibly harm us! (A strained parody of the materialisation noise echoes around the console room.) JAMIE: I'm not so sure! DOCTOR: We're perfectly safe in the TARDIS! (Zoe notices a drip of water as it begins to splash onto the console from somewhere in the ceiling.) ZOE: Oh Doctor! DOCTOR: Oh my word! It's the Time Lords! They're... They're breaking down the defensive mechanism! We've got to get out of here! ZOE: Where can we go? DOCTOR: Well, I know one place where where we'll be safe if I can get us there... (The Doctor prods a few controls, and the dematerialisation sound echoes around the Console Room again, then mutates into a slightly different sound.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7, MODEL SHOT (TARDIS in space, beacon flashing wildly, gradually becoming ensnared by a fibrous substance.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM JAMIE: Where are we? DOCTOR: We're in outer space. We'll just stop here for a while. I... There's a chance we may have given them the slip... FIRST TIME LORD VO: THERE IS NO ESCAPE DOCTOR. RETURN THE TARDIS IMMEDIATELY TO OUR HOME PLANET. (The Doctor addresses the ceiling.) DOCTOR: WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!! I HAVEN'T DONE ANY HARM!! FIRST TIME LORD VO: YOU HAVE BROKEN OUR LAWS. YOU MUST FACE YOUR TRIAL. JAMIE: Trial? FIRST TIME LORD VO: YOU WILL DO BETTER TO RETURN OF YOUR OWN ACCORD. DOCTOR: Oh..oh... Oh very well, if I must... (The Doctor dashes to the console and runs around it apparently pulling switches at random on every panel he passes one after the other. The sound of the TARDIS dematerialising is heard again.) ZOE: Doctor, what on Earth are you doing? DOCTOR: I'm trying to make a quick transference jump! We've got to get away from here to somewhere safe. We..we're landing... (Jamie Zoe and the Doctor look up at the monitor in horror as two alligators that slither through the mud towards the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: Oh no! JAMIE: Is that what you call somewhere safe?! (The console room begins to shake. There is a rising power noise of strained materialisation starts up again and the TARDIS crew are thrown about the room.) JAMIE: Oh! ZOE: Oh! It's shaking itself to pieces! JAMIE: Yeah, we could all be killed! (The TARDIS crew are thrown to the floor.) ZOE: Oh Doctor, can't you induce a power drive? DOCTOR: I'll try... (He tugs a switch down, and it springs up again. He tries again, but with similar results.) DOCTOR: Oh..oh. Oh the controls, they're moving by themselves! (The TARDIS floor settles down again, and all is silent apart from the TARDIS hum.) JAMIE: Now where are we? ZOE: Oh let's see on the scanner (The scanner reveals nothing but frame after frame of featureless white.) JAMIE: Oh it's broken ZOE: Oh I don't think so. (Gradually the scanner pulls itself into focus adjusting to the new locale. What they see before them is a space aged corridor lined with row after row of green SIDRATs identical to the ones the War Chief used, their doors all open.) FIRST TIME LORD VO: YOU HAVE RETURNED TO US DOCTOR. YOUR TRAVELS ARE OVER. DOCTOR: It's my own planet they have brought us here. JAMIE: Can't we get away again? DOCTOR: No, not this time. Come along. [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: CORRIDOR SECOND TIME LORD: Come with me. JAMIE: Now just a moment - what's going on around here? DOCTOR: Jamie, just do as he says. [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: TRIAL CHAMBER SECOND TIME LORD: The witnesses have arrived. FIRST TIME LORD: Let them stand aside until they are needed. Continue with the trial. THIRD TIME LORD: In every one of these time zones thousands of human beings fought and died in the belief that they were on their own planet. The survivors have now all been returned to their own times on the planet Earth, but the death roll is beyond counting. These lives were squandered in the course of a vicious and diabolical scheme to gain control of the entire galaxy. A scheme originated and devised by a race of which the accused is the leader. It was a was a highly organised scheme with an utterly callous disregard for the lives of the humans involved and for the liberties of all the other species in the galaxy which the accused would have dominated with his tyranny. In the pursuit of this scheme, brutal methods of mental processing were used which entirely contravened all the galactic laws. I will now call upon a member of our own race to sort this evil matter out. There will commence a reading of the witness' report. The witness is called. (The Doctor Whispers to Jamie and Zoe while the Time-Lord is talking.) DOCTOR: The Time Lords holding a trial is a very rare event. ZOE: Why? DOCTOR: Well normally they don't interfere with the affairs of other planets, but they had to when I called for help. JAMIE: Well look, can't we get away? DOCTOR: Well, you and Zoe might but I don't think I will. THIRD TIME LORD: Will you step forward please? DOCTOR: Oh, oh I beg your pardon. THIRD TIME LORD: We have received your statement, do you swear to the truth of your report? DOCTOR: Everything in that report is the result of my direct personal observation. THIRD TIME LORD: Who is that person? DOCTOR: That is the War-Lord. THIRD TIME LORD: Does the accused have anything to say? FIRST TIME LORD: You must speak in your defence. SECOND TIME LORD: The trial cannot proceed unless you do! THIRD TIME LORD: You must speak... DOCTOR: Can't you see that he's just playing for time? THIRD TIME LORD: Do not make us force you to speak we would not want to cause you unnecessary... Pain. (The War Lord remains silent.) THIRD TIME LORD: Very well. (The Time Lord opens his eyes wide, and with a rising whine of power the lighting in the area where the War Lord is standing increases. He claws at his face and falls to the ground.) WAR LORD: ARRRGGH! STOP IT! STOP THE LIGHT! (The lights dim.) THIRD TIME LORD: You must speak. (The War Lord stands again, and replaces his glasses.) WAR LORD: Yes. THIRD TIME LORD: Do you admit the charges of which you have been accused? WAR LORD: I do not even admit the authority of this court! FIRST TIME LORD: Have you anything to say in your defence? WAR LORD: The humans who died in our war games would have killed each other anyway! SECOND TIME LORD: Is your plea that that ends justifies the means? WAR LORD: Yes it is! And members of your own race agreed with me! My War Chief was himself was a Time Lord, and the knowledge he brought me made the whole scheme possible! And another of your Time Lords gave me his support! (He motions towards the Doctor.) DOCTOR: I never supported your scheme for one moment! WAR LORD: You collaborated with my War Chief, if I am guilty then you are guilty too! [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (Two Time Lord technicians work on the console of the Doctor's TARDIS, one is working on the telepathic circuits, and the other under the console. There is a sound of a materialising SIDRAT and the Time Lord working on the telepathic circuits moves to investigate the arrival. The other looks up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: CORRIDOR (The Time Lord moves to a newly arrived SIDRAT. The door opens and a squad six of the War Lord's guards exit and mercilessly gun him down. The other Time Lord goes to see what all the noise is about and the guards swing round and kill him too. They check that the technicians are dead, then move off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: TRIAL CHAMBER FIRST TIME LORD: We find you guilty of all charges against you, your attempt to incriminate others is an obvious fraud DOCTOR: Oh good, I'm glad to see that your sense of justice still prevails! (Whispering to Jamie and Zoe.) Even though they have lost their sense of humour. WAR LORD: You have no authority over me... And no power any longer to pass any sentence! Take these people! And if any attempt is made to stop us then I shall kill them instantly! FIRST TIME LORD: Let them go we shall not endanger innocent lives. [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: CORRIDOR DOCTOR: You'll never get away, the Time Lords are too strong for you. You didn't think I was going to help you! WAR LORD: Oh yes you will help us Doctor, if you want to save the lives of your two friends. Now into the machine. JAMIE: Look the TARDIS is no good to you - he can't even steer it properly! WAR LORD: Don't talk rubbish, of course he can steer it, now into the machine! [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM WAR LORD: Yes... you shall make us many of these machines, now get to the control panel and take us back to the home planet! DOCTOR: I can't I tell you! The directional mechanism is faulty! WAR LORD: You will do as I say or we shall kill the girl. DOCTOR: But I don't even know where your home planet is! WAR LORD: Galactic sector nine seven three, then we will get the homing signal - Now operate the machine! DOCTOR: Oh I'll do my best but I can't promise anything I... Jamie, Zoe hide your eyes... (The Doctor throws a switch on the console and the lights flare up brightly.) DOCTOR: RUN! (The TARDIS crew exit.) WAR LORD: GGGNNNN! GET AFTER THEM, KILL THEM! QUICKLY! (The War Lord and Guard stumble after them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: CORRIDOR WAR LORD: KILL THEM! (As the War Lord and his guards attempt to pursue, a forcefield switches on preventing them from going any further.) THIRD TIME LORD: A force-field has been placed around you and around your planet so that your warlike people will remain prisoners forever. You have been found guilty of all charges, and you and your murderous associates will be dematerialised. It will be as though you had never existed. WAR LORD: N-no...no...no...no..! (The War Lord and his guards vanish.) JAMIE: Ah, well that's put an end to them, well we'll be on our way. Come on Doctor. Cheerio... (He bumps into a force field as the Time Lords switch it back on.) JAMIE: Aw, switch this thing off! DOCTOR: Jamie they are not going to let us go. JAMIE: What, after all you've done for them? (The Doctor is lead away.) ZOE: What are you going to do to him? SECOND TIME LORD: He must stand his trial. You will wait here ZOE: Well we want to go with the Doctor! Oh let us out! JAMIE: Come on, let us out of this thing! [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: TRIAL CHAMBER FIRST TIME LORD: You have heard the charge against you that you have repeatedly broken our most important law of non-interference in the affairs of other planets, what have you to say - do you admit these actions? DOCTOR: I not only admit them, I am proud of them! While you have been content merely to observe the evil in the galaxy I have been fighting against it! THIRD TIME LORD: It is not we who is on trial here, Doctor, it is you. DOCTOR: No no, of course your above criticism aren't you? FIRST TIME LORD: Do you admit that these actions were justified? DOCTOR: Yes of course I do! Give me a thought channel and I'll show you some of the evils I've been fighting against. (The screen activates, and as the Doctor describes something it appears on the screen.) DOCTOR: The Quarks, deadly robot servants of the cruel Dominators, they tried to enslave a peace loving race. Then there were the Yeti, more robot killers, instruments of an alien intelligence trying to take over the planet Earth. THIRD TIME LORD: All this is entirely irrelevant. DOCTOR: You asked me to justify my actions, I am doing so. Let me show you the Ice Warriors, cruel Martian invaders, they tried to conquer the Earth too. So did the Cybermen, half creature, half machine...but, worst of all were the Daleks, a pitiless race of conquerors exterminating all who came up against them! All these evils I have fought while you have done nothing but observe. True, I am guilty of interference, just as you are guilty of failing to use your great powers to help those in need! FIRST TIME LORD: Is that all you have to say? DOCTOR: Well isn't it enough? FIRST TIME LORD: Your defence has been heard and will be carefully considered, but you have raised difficult issues, we require time to think about them. You will be recalled when we have made our decision. (The Doctor rolls his eyes and pulls a face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18, INT: CORRIDOR (Jamie and Zoe are banging at the forcefield with their fists.) JAMIE: Let us out! ZOE: We want to see the Doctor, let us out of here! (The second Time Lord turns off the force-field and Jamie falls through it.) JAMIE: Uh. SECOND TIME LORD: Follow me. ZOE: Where are we going? SECOND TIME LORD: We're going to send you home. Back you your own world and your own time. JAMIE: Oh no, not without the Doctor! SECOND TIME LORD: This is his world, he must stay here. ZOE: Well what's going to happen to him? SECOND TIME LORD: He is awaiting the result of his trial. JAMIE: Aye, Well I'm not going till I see him! ZOE: Oh please, can't we see the Doctor? SECOND TIME LORD: You, er, you have become attached to him? JAMIE: Ah, we've been through a lot you know... ZOE: Please let us see him. SECOND TIME LORD: Come with me. JAMIE: Uh. [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: TRIAL CHAMBER DOCTOR: Jamie! Zoe! ZOE: Doctor! SECOND TIME LORD: I've brought your friends to say goodbye. (He activates the forcefield.) JAMIE: Oh switch this thing off! ZOE: Oh we can't say goodbye through a forcefield! (The second Time Lord turns off the force-field.) SECOND TIME LORD: Very well. I shall leave you together - for a little while... DOCTOR: Oh thank you. Jamie! Zoe! ZOE: Doctor! JAMIE: What are they going to do to you? DOCTOR: Oh nothing much. I expect they'll to make me listen to a long boring speech about being a good boy, they like making speeches... ZOE: Well I think it's time that you left them again DOCTOR: Well that's easier said than done. JAMIE: Oh come on we've got out of tighter situations than this! DOCTOR: Oh, well you don't know those Time Lords Jamie, I do. ZOE: Oh you're not just going to give up are you Doctor? JAMIE: Of course he's not are you Doctor - eh? DOCTOR: Well... Oh alright but, we may find it a bit difficult getting out of here. JAMIE: Hey they've forgotten to switch that thing back on again! DOCTOR: Forgotten..? ZOE: Well that's all we need, isn't it? Now we can get away! DOCTOR: Yes yes, of course. JAMIE: Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] 20, INT: PLATFORM CHAMBER (The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe enter a strange chamber. The floor is a series of platforms around which a swirling mist hovers. From the ceiling long strips of some kind of translucent membrane dangle in a slight breeze. They all hop from one platform to another towards a nearby exit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21, INT: CORRIDOR THIRD TIME LORD: There is no escape Doctor. (Jamie tries to make a break for it, but the force-field turns on, blocking the way back.) THIRD TIME LORD: It is time to say goodbye to your friends. ZOE: There must be something we can do? DOCTOR: No Zoe, not this time. (He sighs and shakes Jamie's hand.) DOCTOR: Well, goodbye Jamie. JAMIE: But Doctor surely we could... (The Doctor shakes his head.) DOCTOR: Goodbye Jamie. JAMIE: I-I won't forget you you know. DOCTOR: I won't forget you. Don't go blundering into too much trouble will you! JAMIE: Oh, you're a fine one to talk. DOCTOR: Goodbye Zoe. ZOE: Goodbye Doctor. Will we ever meet again? DOCTOR: Again? Now Zoe, you and I know - time is relative isn't it mm? (He watches as they both disappear into a SIDRAT and the door closes after them.) DOCTOR: They'll forget me won't they? SECOND TIME LORD: Not entirely. They will be returned to a time just before they went away. They will remember their first adventure with you, but nothing more. But come along, your fate has been decided. [SCENE_BREAK] 22, MODEL SHOT (A futuristic looking space station spinning in space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23, INT: TRIAL CHAMBER (The Doctor watches on the screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24, INT: WHEEL CORRIDOR (Zoe walks down the corridor and meets her old friend Tanya Lernov.) TANYA: Oh Zoe. Zoe are you alright? ZOE: Oh yes. TANYA: Are the Doctor and Jamie gone? ZOE: Yes, I've just seen them off. TANYA: Well we'd better get back to work you know, there's a lot to be done if we're going to get the Wheel back to normal. Are you sure you're alright, hah? ZOE: Oh yes, I just thought I'd forgotten something important, but it's nothing. TANYA: Right come along then. ZOE: All right, I'm coming. [SCENE_BREAK] 25, INT: TRIAL CHAMBER (The Doctor watches Zoe on the monitor screen. She looks back for a moment as if there was something she's forgotten, then she turns and walks up a flight of steps and the screen goes blank.) DOCTOR: She'll be alright won't she? FIRST TIME LORD: Of course. DOCTOR: What about Jamie? THIRD TIME LORD: Look. (The Doctor turns back to the screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26, EXT: SCOTTISH MOOR (Jamie wakes up to the sound of bagpipes playing loudly. He is wearing his old costume again, complete with sword. He makes to stand up, and ducks down again as he hears a rifle shot. He looks up and sees a redcoat peering over at him.) JAMIE: Try to murder a McCrimmon would you?! Well I'll show you! CREAG AN TUIRE! (He jumps up and charges at the redcoat swinging the sword around his head wildly.) JAMIE: YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH! YEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHH!! [SCENE_BREAK] 27, INT: TRIAL CHAMBER (The Doctor laughs and the monitor screen goes blank again.) FIRST TIME LORD: They will both continue their lives as if nothing had happened. DOCTOR: Ah yes, very efficient. Now then, what about me? FIRST TIME LORD: We have accepted your plea that there is evil in the universe that must be fought and that you still have a part to play in that battle. DOCTOR: What what, you mean...that you're going to let me go free? FIRST TIME LORD: Not entirely. We have noted your particular interest in the planet Earth. The frequency of you visits must have given you special knowledge of that world and it's problems DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose that's true... Earth seems more vulnerable than others, yes. FIRST TIME LORD: For that reason you will be sent back to that planet. (The Doctor sighs, relieved.) DOCTOR: Oh good. FIRST TIME LORD: In exile. DOCTOR: In exile! FIRST TIME LORD: You will be sent to Earth in the twentieth century and will remain there for as long as we deem proper, and for that period the secret of the TARDIS will be taken from you. DOCTOR: But you, you can't condemn me to exile on one primitive planet in one century in time! Besides, I'm known on the Earth. It might be very awkward for me! FIRST TIME LORD: Your appearance has changed before, it will change again that is part of the sentence. DOCTOR: You can't just change what I look like without consulting me! FIRST TIME LORD: You will be given the opportunity to choose your appearance. DOCTOR: Oh well that's not so bad - but I warn you, I'm very particular! FIRST TIME LORD: Here is your first choice. (The Doctor is shown various drawings on the monitor screen of possible forms that he could take on after his new regeneration.) DOCTOR: Oh he's too old! Well he's too fat isn't he! No! He's too thin! That one's too young! Oh now that won't do at all! This is ridiculous! FIRST TIME LORD: You're wasting time Doctor. DOCTOR: It's not my fault is it?! Is this the best you can do? I've never seen such an incredible bunch! FIRST TIME LORD: Since you refuse to take the decision, the decision will be taken for you. DOCTOR: No no no, I never said that! But I maintain I have a right to decide what I look like! It could be very important on the Earth the people on Earth (The Doctor's words begin to slur) attach a very great deal of importance... (The Doctor's face appears in a dark void..) DOCTOR: Aaaarrgh what's happening? What's hap... What's happened?! (Faces of the Doctor's begin to kaleidoscope, and spin around his actual face..) FIRST TIME LORD VO: The time has come for you to change your appearance Doctor, and begin your exile. DOCTOR: Is this some sort of joke? No I refuse to be treated in... What are you doing?! (The Doctor begins to spin around and around getting smaller and smaller.) DOCTOR: Nnnooo! Stop, you're making me giddy! No, you can't do this to me! No no no no no no no no no no no no no..! (The Doctor vanishes.)

The TARDIS is drawn to the planet of the Time Lords where both the Doctor and the War Lord are placed on trial.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_12x07

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_12x07_0

DOCTOR WHO THE ARK IN SPACE BY ROBERT HOLMES PART ONE 5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] NOAH: You fool, Libri. [SCENE_BREAK] HIGH MINISTER (OOV. Recorded message on the intercom): Allo, Space Station Nerva... [SCENE_BREAK] HIGH MINISTER: ...this is the Earth High Minister. The fact that you are hearing my voice in a message... [SCENE_BREAK] HIGH MINISTER: ...recorded thousands of years before the day in which you are now living, is a sure sign that our great undertaking... [SCENE_BREAK] HIGH MINISTER: ...the salvation of the human race, has been rewarded with success. [SCENE_BREAK] HIGH MINISTER: You have slept longer than the recorded history of mankind. And you stand now at the dawn of a new age. You will return to an Earth purified by flame, a world that we cannot guess at. If it be arid, you must make it flourish. If it be stony, you must make it fertile. The challenge is vast, the task enormous, but let nothing daunt you. HARRY (To SARAH.): Sounds like a pre-match pep talk! HIGH MINISTER: Remember, Citizen Volunteers, that you are the proud standard-bearers of our entire race. [SCENE_BREAK] HIGH MINISTER: Of the millions that walk the world today, you are the chosen survivors. You have been entrusted with a sacred duty - to see that human culture, human knowledge, human love and faith, shall never perish from the universe. Guard what we have given you with all your strength. [SCENE_BREAK] HIGH MINISTER: And now, across the chasm of the years, I send you the prayers and hopes of the entire world. Godspeed you to a safe landing. HARRY: I bet that did your female chauvinist heart a power of good! SARAH: Why? HARRY: Well, fancy a member of the fair s*x being top of the totem pole! NOAH (OOV. On the intercom.): Vira! Vira! [SCENE_BREAK] VIRA: Yes, Commander? NOAH (OOV.): Vira, hear me. This is an order. Expedite revivification. Commence main phase now. VIRA: But, Noah, the safety checks... [SCENE_BREAK] NOAH: Ignore safety checks! We... you... are in great danger... Get our... your people to the Earth before... VIRA (OOV.): Noah? NOAH: ...before... the Wirrn... Vira, take command! Hear me! You take command! [SCENE_BREAK] VIRA: What has happened? Commander, are you there? [SCENE_BREAK] NOAH: The Wirrn are here... They will... (His voice changes.) We shall absorb the humans... The Earth shall be ours! [SCENE_BREAK] VIRA: Noah! Noah! [SCENE_BREAK] NOAH (Whispering.): Vira... Vira... there's no time... They're... in my mind... getting stronger... Libri is dead... You will all die... Must save our people... You must! VIRA (OOV.): Noah! [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: The chap sounds in a bad way. VIRA: What did he mean - they're in his mind? DOCTOR: Absorb? ''We shall absorb the humans''? Endoparasitism? SARAH (To VIRA): He talks to himself sometimes because he's the only one who understands what he's talking about. DOCTOR: If the Wirrn can do that, we've no chance at all! Complete physical absorption. VIRA: Of us? DOCTOR: They'll literally eat us alive. (To VIRA.) Vira, I must talk with Noah. You'd better come with me. He trusts you. VIRA: My duty is to supervise the revivification. DOCTOR: No! Noah passed command to you. Your duties have been widened. VIRA: What is your intention? DOCTOR: To find out exactly what it is we're facing. And only Noah knows that. VIRA: But I can't leave until the last of our technical section have awakened. DOCTOR: Harry can handle that. (To HARRY.) Can't you, Harry? HARRY: Well, I... DOCTOR: You've watched Vira. You know the procedure. HARRY: Yes, I... VIRA (To HARRY.): One gramme of scropholine when the neural register enters the red zone. HARRY: Right... DOCTOR: He'll be all right. VIRA: The injection must be over the pectoralis major. HARRY: Oh, yes, that I do understand. SARAH (To HARRY.): Good luck! DOCTOR (OOV.): And, Sarah, you stay and help Harry. HARRY: Yes, come along, Nurse Smith. [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: See? This chap's in the red zone. SARAH: Hey, there's another one seems to be awake here. HARRY: Well, after 10,000 years, he can't be in that much of a hurry. SARAH: I hope you know what you're doing! HARRY: Oh yes. Dead simple, really. Medicine by numbers. SARAH: Oh, yes! Dead simple! HARRY: That's just a question of fixing a fresh ampoule thing into here. [SCENE_BREAK] NOAH: Keep back! Don't touch me! VIRA: Noah! NOAH: Keep back, I said! DOCTOR: Tell us one thing. How much time do we have? NOAH: Time? DOCTOR: Before the Wirrn reach their adult form? NOAH: It feels near...very near... The tearing free and then the great blackness rushing through... VIRA: Noah and I were pair-bonded for the new life. DOCTOR: Let's go back. [SCENE_BREAK] ROGIN: Dune and Libri? And Noah? SARAH: I'm sorry. It must be a terrible shock for you. LYCETT: So there's just two of us to check the ship? SARAH (OOV.): And Vira. She's taken command. LYCETT: Where is she? SARAH: She's gone with the Doctor. They're trying to contact Noah. ROGIN: There's been a snitch-up! Didn't I tell you, Lycett? 5,000 years ago, I said there'd be a snitch-up! LYCETT: 10,000! ROGIN: Oh, beautiful... We should have taken our chance with the solar flares and gone into the thermic shelters! We'd have been happily dead by now! LYCETT: What was that that killed them? Their lungs, was it? LYCETT (OOV.): Dune and Libri? LYCETT: We were told our lung tissue might atrophy. HARRY: Well, no... SARAH: Something got in here. HARRY: Yes... Some sort of space creature. SARAH: It cut through your alarm clock system. ROGIN: What? SARAH: Look. Oh, it's OK - it's dead. DOCTOR (OOV.): But, unfortunately... DOCTOR: ...its larvae are still very much alive! LYCETT: Vira! ROGIN: Vira! Vira, it's gone wrong! VIRA: Welcome, Lycett. Rogin. You feel well? LYCETT: Yes... Commander. [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: What are we going to do with it? DOCTOR: How much anatomy do you remember, Harry? HARRY: Quite a lot, I think. But you need a blooming entomologist, for this! DOCTOR: We need to find its weaknesses, and we need to find them quickly. VIRA: Can we help? DOCTOR: Not at the moment, thank you. VIRA: Then, we will commence the main phase. Lycett, Rogin. DOCTOR: What was that she just said? SARAH: They're going to start the main phase. DOCTOR: Carry on with that thoracic incision. Not too deep. [SCENE_BREAK] LYCETT: But the safety checks? VIRA: We shall over-ride them. ROGIN: Why? LYCETT: We can't! VIRA: That is my decision. Take your operating stations. DOCTOR (OOV.): Vira, the main phase must wait. VIRA: Noah said we should expedite the revivification programme and get our people to Earth. DOCTOR: No, he was wrong. How long would it take? VIRA: 72 hours for complete revivification. Another 24 to evacuate the Ark. DOCTOR: Four whole days? At the rate the Wirrn are developing, they'll have pupated to imago long before that, you know what that means? VIRA: We must try! DOCTOR: You can't do it, Vira! The Ark will be crawling with those creatures within hours! VIRA: Doctor, the fate of all humanity might be decided within the next few hours! DOCTOR: Vira, if you fail, your people will die in pain and fear. If I fail, they'll die anyway, but at least only the six of us will know anything about it. VIRA: You have an alternative plan? DOCTOR: Between the larval and the imago forms, there must be a pupal stage. Now, the Wirrn will be dormant and defenseless. If we can find their weaknesses... VIRA: We might destroy them? DOCTOR: Yes. VIRA (To ROGIN and LYCETT.): Very well. Stand down. DOCTOR: Good. LYCETT: There's a power flutter in Section 4, Commander. VIRA: What does that indicate? LYCETT: Some external fault. Shall I check the stacks? DOCTOR: No! The larvae have taken over the infrastructure. They seem to need solar radiation. ROGIN: We should have stayed on Earth, Lycett! I liked the Earth! I like heat! [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: Curious lung structure, Doctor - look at it. DOCTOR: Yes, fascinating. A superb adaptation. SARAH: What is it? DOCTOR: Obviously, the creature's lungs recycle the wastes, almost certainly by enzymes. Quite wonderful. Carbon dioxide back to oxygen. SARAH: You mean the way plants make oxygen? DOCTOR: Exactly right. It must live in space, probably just occasionally visiting a planetary atmosphere for food and oxygen, the way a whale rises from the ocean. HARRY: Judging by the size of his mandibles, this chap doesn't live on plankton! VIRA: Noah spoke of a great blackness... rushing in... He meant space, but how did he know? DOCTOR: He now has the race memory of a Wirrn. Symbiotic atavism, to be precise. I'm going to need your help now, Vira. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Do you have any spare extension leads, Rogin? ROGIN (OOV.): Yes, but what do you want to... DOCTOR: Hurry! Fetch them! VIRA (OOV.): What are you going to do, Doctor? DOCTOR: A little experiment. Circuit display, Lycett. VIRA: It's forbidden to alter those circuits. DOCTOR: I need the neural cortex amplifier. Not for long - don't worry. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Right, switch on the video circuit, Lycett. It'll take a little time to warm up. HARRY: Doctor, what are you trying to do, exactly? DOCTOR: Well, sometimes latent neural impressions can be revived. HARRY (OOV.): Really? DOCTOR: Yes. HARRY (OOV.): I've never heard of that! DOCTOR: Advanced technology. Gypsies used to believe that the eye retained its last image after death. Not so far out. No... It's not going to work. Switch off, Lycett. SARAH: Now what? DOCTOR: It should work! The coil isn't giving a strong enough stimulus. I'll have to link in my own cerebral cortex. That's the only thing. VIRA: That is highly dangerous! DOCTOR: I know. Two more leads, Rogin. VIRA: The power could burn out a living brain! DOCTOR: I agree. An ordinary brain. But mine is exceptional. VIRA: I cannot permit it! The shock might kill you. DOCTOR: I think not. Unless, of course, the experiment was interrupted. That could be dangerous. SARAH (OOV.): Do you have to do it? HARRY (OOV.): Yes, why take the risk? DOCTOR: If I find out what it was that killed that creature, we might have a chance of fighting the Wirrn. That's our only hope. SARAH: Yes, but do you have to be...? DOCTOR (OOV.): It's not just our...existence that's at stake, Sarah! DOCTOR: It's the entire human race. It may be irrational of me, but human beings are quite my favorite species. Vira... VIRA: Yes, Doctor? DOCTOR (OOV.): Take this. (He gives her NOAH's gun.) DOCTOR: Don't hesitate to use it if anything goes wrong. You won't have much time. HARRY: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Switch on, Lycett. Lycett! SARAH (OOV.): Doctor! VIRA (OOV.): He's joining his mind to the Wirrn! VIRA: He could remain a part of it for ever! ROGIN (OOV.): Look! It's working! LYCETT: What was that? ROGIN: We'd better look. [SCENE_BREAK] LYCETT: Over here! Case-hardened diranium - bent like tin! ROGIN: Look out! Behind you! Shut the door! Shut the door! HARRY: What's going...? ROGIN: Get out, man! Get out! [SCENE_BREAK] ROGIN: They've killed Lycett! There's some sort of huge grub in there! HARRY: Stop the experiment! SARAH: No, can't, you'll kill him! VIRA: The armory, Rogin! Get the fission guns! ROGIN: Right! HARRY: I'll come with you! VIRA: Hurry, Rogin! SARAH: That door won't hold much longer! VIRA: Dune! [SCENE_BREAK] NOAH: Fools! Human fools! [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Help me with him, Vira! VIRA: Wait! Come away! DOCTOR: Wirrn... Wirrn... VIRA: Doctor... Doctor! Doctor! DOCTOR: Wirrn! SARAH: No, you can't! I won't let you! DOCTOR: Can't what? Is it time to get up? SARAH: Doctor, you're going to be all right! DOCTOR: Is that noise in my head? HARRY: Doctor, come back! SARAH: Doctor, don't! Doctor! Doctor! DOCTOR: Aim lower! ROGIN: It's gone back through the grille. HARRY: That was a close one! You all right, Sarah? SARAH: Yes. HARRY: Doctor? DOCTOR: Why? Why have they gone on to the attack? VIRA: They want to destroy us. DOCTOR: But they've only to wait. In their adult form, they'll be a thousand times deadlier. Fission guns will have no effect, then. SARAH: How many of them will there be? DOCTOR: At a hatching? A hundred... HARRY: A hundred? We won't stand a chance! How can we fight a hundred of those? DOCTOR: Electricity! Only by electricity! That's the one thing I found out! SARAH: Electricity? DOCTOR: Yes... It was the auto-guard that killed the queen - half a million volts. HARRY: We found the queen in the cupboard! DOCTOR: Amazing willpower! I could feel it struggling against death until its task was done. (To ROGIN.) Rogin, is there any way we can electrify the infrastructure? ROGIN: Not from here, Doctor. We'd have to run cables from the Control Centre. DOCTOR (OOV.): Control Centre? DOCTOR: Right, let's go! HARRY: You can't go that way, Doctor. ROGIN (OOV.): Noah's waiting out there. Put one foot inside the transom and you're dead! DOCTOR (OOV.): Yes... DOCTOR: I was forgetting Noah's extra mobility. VIRA: We are trapped. DOCTOR: The Wirrn are using Dune's knowledge of the Ark. Perhaps there was something he didn't know. ROGIN (OOV.): Dune was first tech. He knew it all! VIRA (OOV.): He helped design the systems. DOCTOR: Nobody knows it all! Perhaps he's forgotten that these transmats are reversible! ROGIN: Oh oh oh! That's clever! DOCTOR: Isn't it? And as you appreciate it, Rogin, you can go first! I'll give you a hand! Come on. ROGIN: Oh, well... I never liked it here anyway! DOCTOR: You next, Harry! [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: I say! ROGIN (OOV.): Are you all right? HARRY: What a marvelous way to travel! ROGIN: It always sets my teeth on edge! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: That was a power drain. Hello, Control Centre? ROGIN (OOV. On the intercom.): Hello, Doctor. We've got a power failure. DOCTOR: It's general, then. Do you have a fault reading? ROGIN (OOV. On the intercom.): Section 4... That's the secondary stack. There's no power... (his voice fades.) VIRA: All power systems are self-repairing. DOCTOR: Malicious damage excluded. SARAH: Oh, well, obviously, I am not going anywhere! Help me, Doctor. VIRA: The oxygen pumps have stopped. DOCTOR: Of course! In their pupal stage, the Wirrn don't need oxygen. An easy way of killing us. VIRA: Well, suffocation is not the most unpleasant death! DOCTOR: What? We're not finished yet! You two stay here. SARAH (OOV.): Where are you going? DOCTOR: The infrastructure. If they've entered the pupal stage, they'll be dormant. Could be our chance to get down there and switch the power back on. VIRA: You're forgetting Noah. DOCTOR: No, I'm not. I think his job's done now. He'll be metamorphosing, too.

Knowing that Noah has been infected by the Wirrn, the Doctor persuades Vira to halt the reviving of her people, knowing it will place them in danger as well.

fd_Charmed_05x07

fd_Charmed_05x07_0

[Scene: Law office. Cole, two men and a court reporter are there. Cole hands the men some files and sits down across from them.] Cole: I'd like to draw your attention to exhibit W, delivery manifest, you'll find it on page six of your documents. As you can see the manifest refers to a shipment made on September 5th of last year. Man #1: (whispers) I don't know what this demon's trying to prove. Cole: Excuse me, did you say something? Man #1: No, please, continue. (Cole starts to sweat. He has a sip of water.) Cole: The shipping director, Mr. Peters is responsible for the items on this manifest including, uh, forty-eight barrels of toxic waste. Man #2: (whispers) Trying to deny what he is. Like we don't know. (to Cole) You give us all a bad name. (Man #2's eyes glow red. Cole stands up.) Cole: What the hell is going on here? Man #2: It's called a deposition. Man #1: You alright, Mr. Turner? Cole: I'm sorry, excuse me. (Cole rushes outside. The men shrug.) [Cut to the hallway. Cole loosens his tie and walks into an elevator where there are two other men. The door closes and Cole waits.] Man #3: Check out the demon. (Cole turns to them.) Cole: What'd you say? Man #3: You're an embarrassment to us all, you know that. (Their eyes glow red.) Cole: Just leave me alone. Man #3: Give it up, Cole. You can never be good. (Cole turns around and throws a fireball at them. He covers his eyes and they are vanquished. Cole uncovers his eyes and notices the two men standing there again.) Are you okay, man? [Time lapse. Cole is walking quickly down a hallway. He reaches his office and closes the door behind him. He breathes heavily. He notices Phoebe sitting in his chair.] Cole: Phoebe, thank god. I need your help. (He walks over to his desk.) I think I'm going crazy or somebody's messing with my mind. Phoebe: Shh, slow down. Tell me what happened. Cole: I was just apposing a witness for chemical dumping case and I went... (He notices a formal notification of divorce action form on his desk. Phoebe picks them up and walks around to Cole.) Phoebe: Final divorce papers. I need you to sign them. Cole: That's why you're here? Phoebe: Yeah, it's finally over, officially. Because you're evil. Cole: No, you're wrong. Phoebe: No, I'm right. You've always been evil and you always will be. Cole: That's not true. Phoebe: Yes, it is. (She touches his face.) Cole, don't fight it. It's who you are. Cole: I'm not evil, damn it! I'm not evil! (He grabs Phoebe around her neck and pins her against the wall. A picture frame smashes behind her. Suddenly, it's not Phoebe anymore. It's his assistant. Cole looks shocked and lets go of her.) Lauren. (Lauren runs out of the room, frightened. Cole starts to panic.) What's happening to me? Barbas's Voice: Oh, you know what's happening to you. You are evil, Cole. (Barbas's spirit appears.) You're evil, Cole. It's your worst fear. (Barbas disappears.) And it's true. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Paige is there standing beside a table. The Book Of Shadows, candles, a pot and other things are on the table.] Paige: Okay, sixteenth time is the charm. (She picks something up and throws it in the pot. It explodes and feathers fly out of it.) Damn it! (Leo walks in.) Leo: What's going on, Paige? Paige: Just trying to conjure up some doves. Leo: Oh. Out here in front of all the windows, huh? Paige: Well, the attic was feeling a little cramped, you know, I thought a change of scenery might help. Leo: Hmm. (He walks over to the table.) Prue's animal conjuring spell, huh? That's a tough one. Paige: Yeah, tell me about it. How long did it take her to get it down. Leo: A couple of days at least. Paige: Oh, good, then I don't feel so bad. Leo: What's going on, Paige? Paige: Nothing. Leo: Paige... Paige: You promise you won't tell Piper and Phoebe? Leo: Yep. Paige: Okay, Prue was this awesome witch with a full time job and I quit my job to be a full time witch and I still haven't reached her level yet which makes me feel incredibly frustrated and lame. Leo: Well, I thought you were done comparing yourself to Prue. Paige: Yeah, so did I. It's just these last couple of days for some reason I've been feeling a little insecure. And this stupid spell isn't helping any. Come on, now, give me a dove, any dove. (She throws something in the pot and nothing happens.) Nothing. (Piper walks in holding a cup.) Piper: Hi. I am off to yoga and then to the salon for a manicure and pedicure, there's a cherry pie cooling on the counter and I will be on my cell. Paige: Uh-uh. Pre-natal police, lady, put the mug down, step away from the coffee. Piper: It's herbal tea. I am on a natural high. This is the first morning in months where I actually kept my breakfast down. Leo: Hey, congratulations. (He goes over to her.) Piper: Mm-hm. Goodbye morning sickness, hello second trimester. I feel wonderful. And so I was thinking, you know, when I get back maybe we can start practising for the new kid. Leo: Ooh. (Leo and Piper kiss.) Paige: Eww, I'm still here, thanks. (Piper opens her eyes mid-kiss and sees a spider slide down from its web behind Leo. She stops the kiss and screams, pointing at the spider.) Piper: Spider, get it, get it, get it. (The spider runs along the floor and Leo grabs it.) Paige: Okay, you can handle demons and warlocks but not spiders? Piper: Ugh, jinxed. I should have known this was gonna happen. Leo: What are you talking about? Piper: It's the story of my life. When everything is going great, something inevitability happens that will ruin it. Paige: A little spider did all that to you? Piper: Oh, you just wait, you will see. (Suddenly, Cole appears.) Cole: Please, you've gotta help me. Piper: See? (Cole walks into the living room, looking around.) Cole: Did they follow me? Piper: Who? Leo: Cole, maybe you should... (Cole spins around and faces Leo.) Cole: Stay away from me! (He throws an energy ball at Leo and Leo ducks. The energy ball hits the wall.) Got him. Piper: Cole, what are you doing? (Cole moves closer to Piper.) Cole: You're with him. (An energy ball forms in Cole's hand. Paige goes over and pushes him. The energy ball disappears and Cole snaps out of it.) Paige: What is wrong with you? Cole: I'm sorry. I didn't hurt anyone did I? (Leo stands up.) Leo: You could have. Lucky for you I'm already dead. (Cole sits down.) Cole: It's getting worse. Paige: Worse? What is getting worse? Cole: My powers. At first I was imagining that I was using them and now I really am. Piper: Using them against what? Cole: Demons. (He stands back up.) Or at least so I thought. Someone is messing with me somehow, making me see things. You guys have gotta help me otherwise I might really hurt someone. [Scene: P3. Phoebe is there sitting on a couch. Her date, Miles, walks over and hands her a drink.] Phoebe: Thanks. (Miles sits down beside her.) Miles: You okay? Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Why? Miles: I don't know, you just seem a little nervous, that's all. Phoebe: Oh, really, do I? Seem nervous, huh? No... yeah, well, maybe just a little. You have to understand it's been a really long time since I've been out on a first date, let alone a first or second one. Miles: There's not much of a difference, really. Except for the kiss, of course. Phoebe: The kiss? Miles: Oh, yeah, third date, mandatory. You probably forgot. Phoebe: Well, thanks for reminding me. Miles: You're welcome. (They laugh.) Hey, how long were you married? Phoebe: Not long. But we were together for two years. The beginning was great, it's just the end was, uh, hell. Miles: Yeah, I had the same experience with my ex. Phoebe: Uh, no, I'm pretty sure you didn't. (He gives her a confused look.) Well, you know, 'cause every situation's sorta different. Miles: He didn't treat you right, did he? Hey, I'll treat you right. (They lean in for a kiss but Piper interrupts.) Piper: Hi. Bad time? [Cut to the P3 office. Paige and Cole are there. Piper and Phoebe walk in.] Phoebe: All I've got to say is this better be good. (She notices Cole.) You've gotta be kidding me. Paige: I'm sorry, Phoebe, it's really important. Piper: Desperate demons call for desperate measures. Cole: I think that, uh, someone is trying to drive me crazy. Phoebe: Well, that makes two of us. Cole: No, you don't understand, I don't know what's real anymore, what's going on in my mind. I almost killed my secretary today, and then Leo... Barbas's Voice: This could be your worst fear come to life, Phoebe. (Barbas appears beside Phoebe.) Cole dragging you back into his world of evil. (Barbas disappears.) Cole: Are you listening to me? Phoebe: Yeah. But Cole, I'm not gonna allow you to drag me back into your world of evil. Cole: I need to figure out what is going on before somebody gets hurt. (Barbas reappears beside Phoebe.) Barbus: Careful, it's another one of his tricks to get you back. Phoebe: How do I know this just isn't another one of your tricks to get me back? Cole: My tricks? (Barbas disappears.) This is no trick. I am seriously afraid of what I might do and I'm begging you for your help. Phoebe: I'm sorry, Cole, I can't. I have to draw the line sometime and I'm gonna draw it right now. (Cole disappears.) Paige: Listen, far be it for me to take his side but what if he is actually telling the truth? Piper: I agree. If there's a demon out there powerful enough to mess with Cole's mind... Phoebe: Then it's his problem. It's not ours and it's not mine anymore. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go back outside and try to salvage what is left of my date. (Phoebe leaves the office.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Across the room, Phoebe sits back down with Miles. Piper and Phoebe are sitting at the bar.] Paige: Now what? We can't just sit around here doing nothing. Piper: No, unfortunately, Cole is really powerful and if some demon is trying to manipulate him... Barbas's Voice: Helping Cole could bring your worst fears to life. (Barbas's spirit appears beside Piper.) Maybe it's better to just let it go. (Barbas disappears.) Paige: Hello? You were saying? Piper: On second thought, maybe we should just let it go. Paige: Let it go? Piper: Yeah, it wouldn't be the first time Cole's been less than honest with us. Maybe Phoebe's right, it's not really our problem. Paige: Yeah, it's not our problem until he hurts us. Piper: True. (Barbas reappears.) Barbas: He'll ruin everything, remember? He's brought you nothing but misery in the past. (Barbas disappears.) Piper: But then again, why should we trust him? He's brought us nothing but misery in the past. Paige: What is wrong with you? Is this Dr. Jekyl or Mr. Piper? Make up your mind, lady. Piper: Look, all I know is the more I think about it, the more I agree with Phoebe. We don't need to go looking for trouble, trouble comes to find us anyway. Paige: But, wh- Piper: Paige, look, two against one, okay. (Piper walks away. Barbas appears beside Paige.) Barbas: ------. (He disappears.) [Scene: A rock edge above a fiery pit. Barbas and a demon are there. Barbas is meditating. He stumbles and nearly falls into the pit.] Demon: Barbas, careful! Shame if you fell after all these. Barbas: I will not fall, but I will rise. Demon: So the witches are gonna do what you want? Barbas: In time. Oh, the Charmed Ones are not your ordinary witches. Demon: Yeah, I know, I know, it's just, uh, how much time? You've been working on them for weeks. I don't mean to rush you or anything but I'm really hot, like all the time! Barbas: Patience! Or have you forgotten? I can summon your fears to life even down here. Demon: Forgotten? No, sir, I'm the one you've been practicing on, remember? But I gotta say, the deal was if I taught you how to project out from down here, then you'd help me escape. Barbas: You'll be rewarded for your service. Demon: Oh, yeah? That's good, that's good. 'Cause you know, this whole eternal banishment thing is really starting to get me down. Barbas: The Charmed Ones are in conflict even now. Soon they'll break. When they do, they will provide me with more than enough power to free the two of us from purgatory... forever! [Scene: Manor. Paige's room. Paige is lying on her bed looking through the Book of Shadows. Leo walks in.] Leo: I talked with the Elders. They don't know of any demon powerful enough to manipulate Cole. Paige: Ooh, the Elders don't know anything, what a shock. Leo: Is there anything in the book? (Paige sighs.) Paige: No. Leo: I think your sisters might be right on this one. Paige: No, Cole, might be in trouble, Leo. He might not be an innocent and we'll go so far as to call him that, but something is after him. My instincts haven't let me down yet. Leo: Your sisters have good instincts too. Paige: Yeah, I know there's three of us, I've been out voted and I don't want to go up against him, but what's the harm in following up a little magic on my own? Leo: Well, as your Whitelighter I would say go with your instincts. Paige: Okay. Leo: But as your brother-in-law, going up against your sisters is pure suicide. Paige: Great, you really helped clarify this issue. (Leo leaves her room. Barbas's spirit appears.) Barbas: So the fear that you're not good enough, that you're not worthy of the power of three. Oh, go on, prove yourself. Save Cole the same way Phoebe did before. Your sisters will be so proud. (Barbas disappears. Paige flips through the book.) [Scene: Cole's apartment. It's dark. Paige walks in.] Paige: Cole? Cole? Cole? (Paige turns around and Cole grabs her by her neck.) Cole: Don't move, demon. Paige: Cole, it's me, Paige! Cole: Who sent you? Answer me! Paige: Damn it, you idiot! (Paige hits him across the face and he snaps out of it.) Cole: Oh, god, oh, god, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Paige: Yeah, no thanks to you. Cole: I don't know who I am anymore. Paige: Well, I think I have a solution for that. Cole: What do you mean? (Paige holds up a blue potion.) Paige: Power stripping potion. It's the same stuff Phoebe used on you, I made some adjustments to compensate for your added powers. Cole: You wanna take away my powers? I'd have no way to defend myself. Paige: Yeah, you also wouldn't be able to hurt anybody else, including Phoebe. (Barbas's spirit appears beside Cole.) Barbas: If fear hurt Phoebe for more than your fear remaining forever evil. Protect Phoebe. Strip your powers. Cole: Let's do it. (He takes the potion and drinks it. He screams in pain and drops to the floor. Barbas's spirit appears and a black cloud rises out of Cole and floats into Barbas. Barbas becomes visible.) Barbas. (Paige sees him and runs over to Cole.) Paige: Uh, who's Barbas? (Cole stands up.) Cole: The Demon of Fear. Barbas: Oh, I'm so much more than that now. (Cole tries to throw an energy ball at Barbas but no longer has his powers. An energy ball forms in Barbas's hand.) Looking for this? (He throws the energy ball at Cole and he flies through the glass door.) Ooh, very cool powers. (Paige runs over to Cole.) I can hardly wait until I have full control over them. Paige, thank you very much for setting me free. Your sisters will be so proud of you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Cole are there. Cole is sitting on the chair, badly bruised.] Piper: Barbas? You couldn't have brought back Andras or Shax or somebody we could actually vanquish? Paige: Okay, heal now, yell later, Cole's injured. (Leo walks in.) Phoebe: Leo can't heal evil. Paige: He's not evil anymore, the potion worked, I stripped him of his demonic powers. Piper: And gave them to Barbas. (Leo walks over to Cole and starts healing him.) Paige: Listen, I really don't need a lecture right now. Piper: No, you really do because you have no idea what you've done and now we have a serious problem. Leo: Guys. (Leo heals Cole fully.) Piper: Great, he's not evil. But we still have a serious problem. Cole: What happened? Phoebe: What happened is the worst demon we've ever faced tricked you and Paige into freeing him and now he has your powers. Paige: I'm really sorry. Leo: I think we should give Paige a break, she was just acting on her instincts. Piper: Paige, we know you're really sorry and it's not the fact that you screwed up that we're upset about. It's the fact that you didn't listen to us. Phoebe: We've just had a lot more experience than you do, we've been at this a lot longer. Paige: Fine. What does this Barbas do? What's his thing? Piper: He brings really bad things to life. Leo: Your worst fears to be exact. Phoebe: And who knows what we can expect now that he has Cole's demonic energy. Cole: I'll do everything in my power to help you guys fight him. Piper: Well, unfortunately, anything in your power right now isn't a whole hell of a lot. Cole: But I'm the only who knows how my powers work, how he might use them. Leo: He's got a point. Paige: What's he gonna do next? Phoebe: Get even. What else? Cole: Actually, I'm a little worried he didn't try to do that already. Piper: That's funny, that didn't occur to me as something to worry about. Cole: Well, if I'm right, you've got bigger problems. If he gains control of my powers he might try to use them to reorganise the Underworld. Become the next Source. You have to get to him before he does or he'll be impossible to stop. [Scene: Cole's apartment. Barbas and the demon are there. The demon plays a bit of Beethoven on the piano.] Demon: Looks like the Underworld has been spruced up a bit since my damnation. Barbas: Very smart operating above ground. It's like, uh, hiding out in plain sight. Demon: Mm, still, maybe it'd be better to unite the leadership in a more traditional setting, you know, for appearances. Barbas: Oh, I'm not interested in appearances. I am only interested in the Charmed Ones. Demon: Why focus on them when you can take over the Underworld. Barbas: Because those witches banished me to a fate worst than death and the only thing that kept me going was the sweet thought of repaying the favour, with interest. Demon: With all do respect, if those witches were powerful enough to defeat you before... Barbas: I spared you down there so do not try my patience up here. Demon: All I'm saying is maybe it'd be better to solidify your power base first. (An energy ball forms in Barbas's hand.) Ooh, where'd you learn to do that? Barbas: Oh, apparently it's one of my new powers, only seems to happen when I get very angry. (The demon gets a bit worried but Barbas extinguishes the energy ball.) Ooh, but perhaps you're right. I've been seeking my revenge for so long, what's a little while longer? So summon the leaders. [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Cole are there. They are looking through some books.] Paige: There has to be a vanquish for him in here somewhere. Phoebe: We've never been able to vanquish him, just neutralise him. Piper: Actually we didn't, Prue did. Paige: Well, maybe you can just do whatever Prue did to banish him last time. Phoebe: It won't work. Leo: Prue didn't banish him with a spell, she banished him by conquering her fears. Cole: Conquering fears isn't going to vanquish him anymore anyway, not with my powers inside him. Phoebe: Okay, you know what? Time's up. Let me look. (Phoebe sits in front of the Book of Shadows.) Paige: Oh, okay, apparently saying I'm sorry a hundred and twelve times didn't work. Maybe a hundred and thirteen. I am sorry. Phoebe: Paige, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, it's just, you know, you pulled me away from my third date with Miles. A third date. Paige: A hundred and fourteen. I'm sorry. Cole: Shouldn't you guys give Paige a break? She had good intentions, that's gotta count for something. Paige: Thank you... I think. Piper: Where'd that come from? Leo: The only place it could, his heart. Cole's good now. Phoebe: Yeah, well, it doesn't change anything. Cole: Doesn't it? You're the only one who's seen that side of me, it's the side you fell in love with. Phoebe: Please don't go there. Piper: And more importantly, since you don't have any powers, maybe Leo should take you someplace safe. Cole: No, you'll need me to fight Barbas. Paige: If Cole is good, doesn't that make him an innocent and doesn't that mean we need to protect him now? Phoebe: She's right, you should go. Please. (Leo orbs out with Cole.) Okay, well, there's nothing in here. We're gonna have to figure out a way to vanquish Barbas on our own. Piper: Well, we could use the crystal cage liked we did with the Source, they've got the same powers. Phoebe: Actually, that might work. We just have to find a way to get him here. Paige: I can write a spell. Piper: Well, that shouldn't be too hard, all we have to do is remind him of how much he hates us and he should come running. Phoebe: I could modify the astral projection spell, try to get him here. Paige: I'll orb him. Piper: Uh, no, Phoebe should go. (Paige looks disappointed.) Phoebe: Only because I've already overcome my deepest fear the last time Barbas attacked. He can't hurt me. Paige: What was your fear? Phoebe: Losing a sister. [Scene: Cole's apartment. A demon meeting is taking place. They are all sitting around a rectangular table.] Barbas: So, any questions? Demon #1: You bring us to the former Source's home and tell us to unite under your leadership because you have so many powers, yet we haven't seen a single one of these fantastic abilities you claim to have. (Barbas throws a fireball at the demon and vanquishes him.) Barbas: Anymore questions? (Suddenly, Phoebe astral projects in front of Barbas.) Phoebe: Whoa, deja vu. (to Barbas) Hey! How you doing? Don't we know each other? Demon #2: I'll take her out. Barbas: No-no-no-no, this witch is mine. I know your fears. Phoebe: Really? You're sure about that? (Barbas waves his hand in front of Phoebe.) Oh, what's the matter? Lost your touch? (to the demons) And you want this guy to be your new leader? (Barbas throws an energy ball at Phoebe, she dodges it and it hits four demons.) It's, uh, pretty hard to rule the Underworld if you kill everybody, don't you think? (Phoebe astral projects out.) Demon: It's a trap. Don't be fooled. Let it go. Barbas: I can't. (Barbas disappears.) [Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. Piper and Paige are standing around the crystal cage. Phoebe is sitting across the room. Phoebe astral projects back in her body.] Phoebe: Incoming. (She gets up and stands beside the crystal cage. Barbas appears inside the circle.) Piper: Paige. (Paige puts down a crystal and the cage activates.) Paige: Got it. Phoebe: "Prudence, Penelope, Patricia..." Piper: "Melinda, Astrid, Helena..." Paige: "Laura and Grace." Piper, Phoebe, Paige: "Halliwell witches stand strong beside us, vanquish this evil from time and space." (Barbas explodes. When the smoke clears they notice Barbas still standing there.) Barbas: I guess you wanted me, now you have me. (He waves his hands and the walls brick up. He disappears.) And now I've got you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Hallway. Paige is there. Phoebe and Piper walk in.] Phoebe: Okay, the windows in our rooms are all bricked over too. Piper: All the windows downstairs are the same. Phoebe: We're trapped. Paige: Like hell we are. (Paige tries to orb out but she bounces off the walls. She bounces into the nursery and orbs back in.) Okay, on second thought. Piper: Leo! Paige: My guess if I can't get out, he is not getting in. Piper: Well, I can get out. Phoebe: Yeah-yeah-yeah. (Piper tries to blow up the wall but can't.) Piper: I can't get out. We can't get out! Phoebe: Okay, let's not panic, 'cause that's what Barbas wants us to do is panic, right? Paige: Why doesn't he just kill us and get it over with, if that's what he wants. Piper: Because he wants us to suffer, that's why. Phoebe: A little mental torture. (Paige hears a noise coming from the nursery and she walks in.) Paige: Guys? Phoebe: What's the matter? Paige: Don't you see it? (Paige sees the walls moving inwards.) The walls are moving in on me. (She tries to leave the nursery but the door slams shut.) Help, get me outta here! Piper: Is she claustrophobic? Phoebe: I don't know, is she? Piper: Paige, it's just a hallucination. Phoebe: Yeah, it's not real, honey, you're okay. (Suddenly, Piper screams.) What? What? What? (Dozens of tarantulas appear crawling towards Piper.) Piper: Tarantulas. Lots and lots of tarantulas. Phoebe: No, there's no tarantulas. This isn't real, you're hallucinating, remember? (Miles stumbles in.) Miles: Phoebe. Phoebe: Yeah? Miles: I have to talk to you. I have to tell you the truth. (His eyes turn black and fiery images show in them.) Phoebe: This isn't real, this isn't happening. Miles: I'm evil, Phoebe. You know that's why you're drawn to me. (Phoebe punches him in the face and the hallucination vanishes.) Phoebe: Okay, people, time to get over your fears right now! Piper: Easy for you to say, you're not facing killer spiders. Phoebe: Neither are you. (A spider crawls onto Piper's shoulder. She flicks it onto the ground and squishes it with her foot. All the spiders vanish.) Piper: Yuck. Phoebe: Good girl. Piper: Paige, it's all in your head. (The walls move closer to Paige. The cot breaks into pieces.) Don't be afraid, you're gonna be okay. Paige: I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. I'm okay, I'm not afraid. (The light blows and the room goes dark.) I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid. (The walls stop moving and the room returns to normal. Paige walks into the room.) I did it. Phoebe: Yeah. Piper: He's not done, he can't be. He's just playing with us. Phoebe: We need a plan. Paige: Why don't I just strip his powers like I stripped Cole's? Piper: I don't think that'll solve the problem. Those powers are gonna have to find a new demon home. Unless we give them back to Cole. Paige: No, no, we can not give them back to Cole. Phoebe: Why not? They're his. Paige: No, he knows what it's like to be good now. Giving them back to him would be completely unfair and probably a death sentence. Piper: He's the only one that knows how to control them. Anybody got any better ideas? Let's go make the potion. (They walk into the hallway and Leo orbs in.) Leo, what happened? Leo: Barbas, he attacked us. Phoebe: What? Where? Leo: Downstairs. I orbed in with Cole and the windows bricked over. Piper: You left him down there? Leo: Yeah, I came up for help. Besides, Cole knows Barbas's powers so he can get away from him. Paige: Not for long. Phoebe: We need him. Piper: I'll go. You guys make sure that potion's done. Paige: Do you think it's a good idea to split up? What if that's exactly what Barbas wants. Phoebe: Do we have a choice? Piper: Okay, let's get this over with. [Cut to the stairs. Piper and Leo walk down them cautiously.] Piper: Where did you leave Cole? Leo: He was just here. Piper: Do you hear that? Leo: What? Piper: Footsteps. (A little girl runs down the stairs.) Little Piper: Grams, I love it! (She runs into the foyer where Grams is.) I love my doll, it's just what I always wanted. Piper: Do you see her? Leo: Who? Piper: Me. Grams: Happy birthday, sweetheart. You know, your father helped me pick this out. (Victor walks in.) Victor: Hey, I thought I heard a little Piper. Little Piper: Daddy! (They hug.) Victor: Happy birthday. Leo: Piper, what are you seeing? Piper: Shh, it's okay. I remember this. Victor: Happy birthday. (A demon shimmers in.) Little Piper: Daddy! (The demon throws a fireball at them and they dive out of the way.) Grams: "Hell is spun demon creature of death, fire shall take your very breath." (The demon bursts into flames and is vanquished.) Sweetheart, are you alright? Did that bad man hurt you? Little Piper: No. Grams: Oh, baby. Victor: Penny, I told you. Penny: Oh, Victor, don't start. Victor: If my girls are raised around this it'll destroy their lives. Grams: Oh, don't be over dramatic. Victor: A demon tries to kill my daughter and I'm being over dramatic? If they're brought up around this evil, they'll always live in fear. They'll never be happy. How can you put them through this? (Suddenly, Leo morphs into Barbas.) Barbas: See, even your daddy knew. Your happiness can never last. (Barbas disappears.) [Cut to the attic. Phoebe and Paige are there. Phoebe is making a potion.] Paige: You know, I am so sorry. I never meant for any of this to... Phoebe: It's okay, sweetie, just forget it. Let's concentrate on finding a way out of here. Will you pass me the mandrake root while you're over there? (Phoebe sprinkles something in the potion.) Did you find it? Barbas: Yes, exactly what I was looking for. (Phoebe spins around and sees a hallucination of Barbas.) Phoebe: Where's Paige? What did you do to her? Paige: What are you talking about? I'm right here. Barbas: You're right. I couldn't read your fears. (He waves his hand in front of Phoebe.) But I can now. Phoebe: What have you done with my sister? Barbas: Same thing I did with your other sister, killed her. With her fears. Paige: Oh god, it's Barbas, he's tricking you. (Phoebe kicks Paige in the stomach.) It's me, Paige, you're hallucinating. (Phoebe kicks Paige in the face and she falls onto a chair.) Phoebe: This time I'm gonna vanquish you for good. (She grabs her around the neck and kicks her in the face. She pokes her throat and kicks her in the stomach. She falls back onto a dollhouse.) [Cut to downstairs. Piper is still watching her hallucination. She is crying.] Victor: She's a little girl for god's sake, your own granddaughter. How can you allow this? Grams: Because she's a witch, that's who she is. Besides, she has me to keep her safe. Victor: You didn't keep her very safe tonight, did you? Little Piper: Please stop fighting. (Little Piper looks over at Piper.) Victor: How are my girls gonna find happiness with demons breaking down the door every night? (Barbas pops in beside Piper.) Barbas: Your greatest fear will be born in this very moment. The night your daddy left and never came back. (Victor heads for the door and fades out.) Whenever, since this moment, when you experience happiness, tragedy follows. (Grams fades out.) Leaving you destined to a life time of pain. (Little Piper fades out.) A pain that continues on and on, even into the next generation. (Piper doubles over in pain. She holds her stomach.) Piper: No. No. No, not the baby. (Barbas disappears.) [Cut to the attic. Phoebe throws Paige onto a small table, smashing it. Paige lies there with cuts and bruises all over her.] Paige: Phoebe, it's me, it's your sister. Barbas: Come on, finish it. Please, you can do it, I know you can. Come on, kill me. (Phoebe grabs an athame off the floor and stabs Paige in her stomach. The hallucination of Barbas disappears and Phoebe sees Paige lying there unconscious.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe and Paige are there. Phoebe is crying.] Phoebe: No, Paige. Leo! Leo! (Barbas appears.) Barbas: He can't hear you. Phoebe: Piper! (He raises the athame above Phoebe and suddenly he is blown up. Piper stands at the doorway. Barbas is pulled back together.) Piper: Playing on an expecting mother's fears. That was a good one. But not that good. She goes to blow him up but he disappears. A few bricks disappear from the wall, letting some light in. Piper goes over to Phoebe.) What happened? Phoebe: I thought that she was him. Piper: Oh, no. The only way we can save her is if you overcome your fears. Tell me what you're afraid of. Phoebe: I'm evil. Piper: What? No, you're not. This was an accident. I have known you your entire life, there is not a mean bone in your body. And you need to believe that right now. Phoebe: But... Piper: No, not a chance in hell. (The bricks vanish from the wall.) Leo. (Leo orbs in with Cole.) Paige. [Cut to Cole's apartment. Barbas is there standing before an altar. The demon pops in.] Demon: Good, you're back. What are you doing? Barbas: I am making sure that I do not get caught unaware again. Demon: Barbas, please, I beg you. Forget the witches, you can deal with them later. Barbas: Witches may be able to avoid their fears but, uh, they will not be able to avoid my new power. Demon: Now listen to me, the demonic leadership is backing you. The Underworld is yours for the taking. Barbas: I don't not care about the Underworld, I care only about my revenge. Oh, and in regards to that, I need you to hurl a fireball at me. Demon: What? Barbas: I need to test my new power. Demon: I don't... Barbas: Do it. (The demon throws a fireball at Barbas and Barbas deflects it back at him, which vanquishes him.) Finally, shut up. [Cut to the manor. Attic. Leo is healing Paige. Piper is making the potion. Paige wakes up.] Phoebe: Paige, you're okay, thank god. (Phoebe hugs Paige.) Paige: What happened? Leo: Good thing we were trying to orb in when they barricade came down. Phoebe: Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Paige: You're suffocating me. Phoebe: Oh, sorry. (They stand up.) Cole: Um, well, I hate to break this up but Barbas will be back soon. Piper: I'm ready. Leo: (to Cole) Are you? Cole: To take evil back? No. But I'm not doing it for me. (He looks at Phoebe. Barbas appears and creates a blast which knocks everyone to the floor. Piper drops the potion. Everyone gets back up.) Barbas: Miss me, my babies? (Piper tries to blow him up but he just shakes it off.) Oh, I'm a very quick study. Paige: What do we do? Barbas: Ah, still alive I see. Phoebe: You leave her alone. (Barbas creates a magical wall in front of Piper, Phoebe, Leo and Cole.) Barbas: Naughty, naughty, naughty. Wait your turn. Phoebe: Paige, orb the potion. Paige: It's in a puddle. Piper: You can do it. Prue did. Barbas: Ay, there's the rub. You're no Prue are you? Paige: Potion! (The potion orbs onto Barbas and he falls to his knees. A black mist floats out of Barbas's body and into Cole's. Barbas gets up and tries to throw an energy ball. An energy ball forms in Cole's hand.) Cole: Looking for this? (Cole throws an energy ball at Barbas and vanquishes him. Cole looks at Phoebe and disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Phoebe and Miles are sitting on a couch.] Miles: To our fourth date. (They clink their glasses.) Phoebe: Hey, does anything happen on the fourth date that I should be aware of? Miles: Well, just the fact that we made it past our third date, that I'm talking about. Phoebe: Oh, why you didn't think we would? Miles: No, it just seemed like last time you got a little distracted half way through it, you know, I mean we didn't even kiss. (Phoebe kisses him.) Phoebe: Better? Miles: Taking a pretty big risk aren't you? Phoebe: I am not afraid. (They kiss.) [Cut to Piper and Leo across the room. Piper is laughing.] Leo: Hey, you better stop that. Piper: Stop what? Laughing? Leo: Yeah, you wouldn't want to experience actual happiness seeing how every time you're happy the world crashes. Piper: Mm, well, I'm not so worried about that anymore. Leo: Really? Piper: Yeah, my world has crashed before and then somehow everything is okay. So why not enjoy it while it lasts. Leo: Like, uh, like them? (They watch Phoebe and Miles.) Piper: Exactly like them. (Piper leans in to give Leo a kiss but stops.) Leo: You know, I'm just worried about Paige, she was kinda feeling left out by you two. Piper: Oh, I think Missy Paige will be just fine. (Piper and Leo kiss.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Paige mixes some powders together in a mortar. She grabs a handful and throws it into the air. Two white doves magically appear in mid-air. She closes the Book of Shadows and nods to herself.]

When Barbas, the Demon of Fear, makes a return into the Charmed Ones lives, he tricks Paige and Cole into giving him the powers Cole obtained while in the Wastelands so he can use them to turn the sisters' greatest fears against them.

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[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone except Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a magazine.] Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey! Monica: Hey! Rachel: So, I'm in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle, and guess who the clue is for three down. (She hands the magazine to Joey.) Joey: (reading) Three down, Days Of Our Lives star blank Tribbiani. That's me!! I'm blank!! Monica: How cool is this?! We know three down! I'm touching three down! (She has her hand on his shoulder.) Joey: Yeah you are baby. Monica: Three down knows I'm married, what's three down doin'? Rachel: So did they call you to tell you your name's gonna be in this? Joey: No. They really like me over there. They want to do a big profile on me, but I said no. Ross: Why'd you say no? Joey: Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them? I said I write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft. So who knows what I might say this time. Chandler: If only there was something in your head to control the things you say. (Joey nods his agreement.) Rachel: Oh, come on Joey! You will totally keep it in check this time, and plus y'know the publicity would be really good for your career! And you deserve that! And if you do the interview you can mention, oh I don't know, gal pal Rachel Green? Chandler: Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R? Rachel: Okay, don't listen to him. Please? Joey: Fine! All right, I'll do it. But hey! You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I y'know, start to say something stupid. Ross: Just then or-or all the time, 'cause we-we have jobs y'know. Rachel: Come on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal pal Rachel Green. (Excited) Ha-ha! I'm gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle. (Looks at Joey.) Seriously, proud of you. Joey: Yeah. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there for his interview and everyone but Phoebe are hiding on the couch.] The Interviewer: I really appreciate you taking the time to do this. Joey: Oh, not at all. Happy to do it. [Cut to the rest of the gang sitting low on the couch and craning their necks to watch the interview.] Monica: (To Chandler) You think we're being obvious? Chandler: No, we're just four people with neck problems. You talk like this. (Out of the sides of their mouths.) [Cut to the interview.] The Interviewer: (To Joey) Y'know I think its great you wanted to meet here. Y'know when most people hear the magazine is paying for it they want to go to a big fancy restaurant. Joey: (laughs) Actually, I didn't know the magazine was paying for it. Wouldn't have mattered, I'm doing this for the fans, not for the free food. Gunther: Can I get you anything? The Interviewer: Umm, I'll have a cup of coffee. Joey: And I'll have all the muffins. [Cut to the gang.] Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Ross: Shhh! We're not talking. Phoebe: Oh. Finally! Oh. (Sits back in relief.) [Cut to the interview.] The Interviewer: So, according to your bio, you've done quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives. Anything you're particularly proud of? [This starts a series of flashbacks; the first one is from Episode 106: The One With The Butt, Joey is in a play called Freud!.] Joey: (He goes into a song and dance number) All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang... [The next one is from Episode 304: The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel, Joey is on Amazing Discoveries.] Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open. Joey: Oh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way! Mike: And there is Kevin. [Cut forward.] Mike: This is the first time he's ever used this product, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (To Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton. Joey: (finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (Starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday. (The crowd ahhs.) [The next one is from Episode 322: The One With The Screamer, it's the end of Joey's play.] Lauren: So this is it? Victor? Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. And so... I'm gonna get on this spaceship, (Smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you'll be long gone. But I won't have aged at all. (Gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne... baby...I'm gonna want to meet her. (The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7.) [The next one is from Episode 204: The One With Phoebe's Husband, when everyone including Julie is watching Joey in his porno.] Joey: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do...so I just watch 'em have s*x. And then I say, wait, here's my line, (Joey from TV) you know that's bad for the paper tray. Chandler: Nice work my friend. Joey: Thank you. Wait-wait-wait-wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am... [Cut to the interview.] Joey: Well, there are so many things, it's hard to pick just one. [Cut to the gang.] Phoebe: I'm gonna get some coffee, anyone want anything? Rachel: Oh yeah, I'd actually love a blueberry muffin and a chamomile tea. Ross: Uh, double latte, extra foam. Chandler: And a bagel with only... Phoebe: (interrupting him) I was just being polite! [Cut to the interview.] The Interviewer: Okay, how about when you're not working. What do you do in your spare time? [This starts another series of flashbacks about Joey's hobbies. The first one is from Episode 703: The One With Phoebe's Cookies, Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail his boat, the Mr. Bowmont.] Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names their boat Coast Guard anyway? Rachel: That is the Coast Guard. Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast's all the way over there. (Points to the coast.) [The next one is from Episode 603: The One With Ross's Denial, Joey is amazing Phoebe and Monica by holding his breath.] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes! (We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey's nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he's now forced to actually hold his breath.) Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo-you trying to kill me?! [The next one is from Episode 507: The One Where Ross Moves In.] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.] Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much? Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun! Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat? Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea! (Chandler does so.) [The next one is from Episode 417: The One With The Free p0rn, Chandler and Joey are lamenting the fact that every beautiful woman they see doesn't want to have s*x right then and there like in p0rn.] Chandler: Y'know what, we have to turn off the p0rn. Joey: I think you're right. (Goes over and picks up the remote.) Chandler: All right, ready? Joey: One. Chandler: Two. Both: Three. (Chandler turns off the p0rn and sets the remote down.) Joey: That's kinda nice. Chandler: Yeah, that's kinda a relief. Joey: Yeah. (Pause.) Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it? Joey: Yeah. (Chandler turns on the TV and...) Chandler: FREE p0rn!!! Joey: Yeah!! Chandler: We have free p0rn here!!! [Cut to the interview.] Joey: In my spare time I uh, read to the blind. And I'm also a mento for the kids.(The gang shake their heads.) Y'know a mento, a role model. (Chandler bites his fist to keep from talking.) The Interviewer: A mento... Joey: Right. The Interviewer: Like the candy? Joey: Matter of fact, I do. (Chandler tries to jump over the couch but everyone stops him.) The Interviewer: Well umm, another thing our readers always want to know is how our soap stars stay in such great shape. Do you have some kind of fitness regime? Joey: Uh, we stars just try to eat right and get lots of exercise. [Another set of flashbacks begin with Episode 521: The One With The Ball, Joey and Ross are throwing a ball around.] Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour? Ross: Are you serious?! Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it. Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Joey: Yeah! Ross: Hey! We totally forgot about lunch! Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose! [The next one is from Episode 604: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance.] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.] Chandler: What's wrong with you? Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven't been able to stand up since. But um, I don't think it's anything serious. Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to-you-you-Go to the doctor! Joey: No way! 'Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it's gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.) Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s! [The next one is from Episode 609: The One Where Ross Got High, Rachel is describing her desert to Joey and Ross.] Rachel: It's a trifle. It's got all of these layers. First there's a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch. [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] Then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef saut ed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something's wrong.] then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top! [Time lapse, Ross and Joey are eating Rachel's disaster.] Ross: It tastes like feet! Joey: I like it. Ross: Are you kidding? Joey: What's not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Goooooood. [The next one is from Episode 619: The One With Joey's Fridge.] [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the food from the fridge. Joey isn't doing all that well.] Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes-Hey, what was in that brown jar? Chandler: That's still in there?! Joey: Not anymore. [The next one is from Episode 711: The One With All the Cheesecakes.] [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to salvage what they can of the cheesecake off of the floor.] Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There's a piece that doesn't have floor on it! Chandler: Stick to your side! Rachel: Hey, come on now! (Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.) Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin'? (Starts digging in.) [Cut to the interview.] Joey: Uhh, I don't believe in these crazy diets y'know, just everything in moderation. Gunther: Your muffins. (Sets down a huge plate of muffins in front of Joey.) Joey: I'll take those to go. (To the interviewer) For the kids. The Interviewer: Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. You were on the show years ago and then they killed you off. What happened there? Joey: It was so stupid, I said some stuff in an interview that I shouldn't have said. But believe me, that's not gonna happen today. The Interviewer: Understood. So, what'd you say back then? Joey: Well, I said that I... (The gang jumps up and interrupts him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Joey: You guys, this is Shelley, she's interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest, and Shelley, this are my friends... Rachel: (interrupting him) Hi! I'm gal pal Rachel Green, and if you want the dirt, I'm the one you come too. This might be Joey's baby (rubbing her stomach), who knows? I'm just kidding-Seriously, (leans into the cassette recorder Shelley is using) gal pal Rachel Green. Ross: (leaning into the recorder as well) Who just lost the respect of her unborn child. The Interviewer: Umm, I'm gonna just go get this warmed up. (She takes her coffee mug up to the counter.) Joey: Okay. Monica: Joey! You're doing great! Ross: Yeah, so far nothing stupid. Chandler: Mento? Joey: No thanks. The Interviewer: (returning) So, as Joey's friends, is there anything that you guys think our readers ought to know? Ross: Uh no, no just-just that he is a great guy. Rachel: (scoffs at him) Yeah, that's gonna get you into Soap Opera Digest. Well I...(leans into the microphone again)...I would just like to say that Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives. Phoebe: Umm, I...I just think you don't expect someone so hot to be so sweet. The Interviewer: Oh! I like that. What's your name? Phoebe: Umm, Phoebe Buffay. The Interviewer: How do you spell that? So we can get it right. Phoebe: Oh okay, it's P as in Phoebe, H as in hoebe, O as in oebe, E as in ebe, B as in bee-bee and E as in (In an Australian accent) 'Ello there mate! The Interviewer: Great! Well, it was nice meeting all of you. Ross: Yeah, you too. Rachel: You too! Chandler: Thanks. Monica: Bye. (They resume their previous positions.) The Interviewer: So it seems like you have a lot of friends, who would you say is your best friend? [They gang all lean back to listen better, and this starts another series of flashbacks. The first one is from Episode 214: The One With The Prom Video, Rachel has just found the bracelet that Joey gave Chandler, which is after he bought one to replace it.] Joey: How come you have two? Chandler: Well this one's for you. Joey: Get out. Chandler: No, I can't. No-no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, (Puts bracelet on Joey) it's about you and me and the fact that we're (Reading bracelet) best buds. Joey: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies. Chandler: That's what they'll call us. [The next one is from Episode 618: The One Where Ross Dates A Student.] [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.] Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry! Joey: No that's all right. Don't worry about it. Rachel: Oh but look! That's gonna leave a stain! Joey: Rach! Hey! It's fine! You're at Joey's! Rachel: Really? Joey: Yeah! Look! (He throws some of his spaghetti on the floor.) Rachel: I've never lived like this before. Joey: I know. (Rachel throws some of hers down.) Joey: All right, don't waste it, I mean its still food. (He picks it up and eats it.) [The next one is from Episode 224: The One With Barry And Mindy's Wedding, Joey has to kiss a guy in an audition and has been trying to find one to practice with.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters] Ross: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and damnit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey). Joey: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl. [The next one is from Episode 512: The One With Chandler's Work Laugh, Joey and Phoebe are betting on who will reach the treat the fastest, the chick or the duck.] Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.) Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge! Joey: Judge rules, no violation. Phoebe: Ohhh. Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter! Phoebe: (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton! Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter. Phoebe: Ohh, tough call. Joey: Yeah. [The next one is from Episode 401: The One With The Jellyfish, where Monica, Joey, and Chandler are relating that tragic day they spent on the beach.] Joey: I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel... Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (Stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?! Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!! Monica: You can't say that!! You-you don't know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn't...bend that way. So... (Looks at Joey.) Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!! Joey: That's right I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I'd pee on anyone of you! [Cut to the interview.] Joey: Umm, no. No best friend, no. Just a lot of close friends. The Interviewer: So umm, now back to the show. How does it feel to have a huge gay fan base? Joey: Really? Me? Wow! I don't even know any huge gay people! [Cut to the gang.] Chandler: It hurts me. It physically hurts me. [Cut to the interview.] The Interviewer: Now, off the record, you're not... [Another group of flashbacks begin with Episode 513: The One With Joey's Bag. Joey is carrying the bag and has entered Central Perk to the amusement of Ross and Chandler.] Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book! Ross: Your make-up! [The next one is from Episode 712: The One Where They're Up All Night, Joey and Ross are deciding how to climb down the final part of the fire escape.] Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we're face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we're-we're butt to face. Joey: I think face to face. Ross: I would say that. Joey: Face to face, yeah! Ross: Okay, here I go. Joey: All right. (Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey's chest.) Joey: (grunting) Oh my... How much do you weigh Ross?! Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I'm still carrying a little holiday weight. (Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey's torso, but that doesn't work very well and he's forced to wrap his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross's crotch.) Joey: Y'know, when we talked about face to face, I don't think we thought it all the way through. [The next one is from Episode 722: The One With Chandler's Dad.] [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.] Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.) Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that he's got panties on.) How much of a man am I?! Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut. [The next one is from Episode 608: The One With Ross's Teeth, Chandler is accusing Joey of becoming less of a man.] Chandler: You're turning into a woman. Joey: No I'm not. Why would you say that? That's just mean. Chandler: Now I've upset you? What did I say? Joey: It's not what you said. It's the way you said it... Oh My God, I'm a woman!!! [The next one is from Episode 706: The One With The Nap Partners.] [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.] Joey: Great nap. Ross: It really was. (Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.) [Cut to the interview.] Joey: Uh me? Gay? No! No. No, but I have a number of close friends who are. (Chandler and Ross look at each other.) The Interviewer: So, let's talk about women. I'm sure our female readers will be interested to know about your romantic life. [Another series of flashbacks begins with Episode 413: The One With Rachel's Crush, Joey is telling Rachel and Phoebe how he picks up women.] Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin'?" Phoebe: Oh, please! Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin'? (Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.) [The next one is from Episode 605: The One With Joey's Porsche.] [Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.] Joey: Hey! How you doin'? Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there! Joey: I'd love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.) [The next one is from Episode 613: The One With Rachel's Sister, Chandler has just opened the door to reveal a woman standing there.] Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I'm her sister. Rachel: Oh my God, Jill! Jill: Oh my God, Rachel! (They run and hug each other.) Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us! Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.) Jill: Hi! Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross! Ross: Hi Jill. Rachel: And that's Phoebe (points), and that's Joey. Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin'? Rachel: Don't!! (Joey backs away frightened.) [The final one is from Episode 607: The One Where Phoebe Runs, Joey has been trying to repel Janice and sees it's not working to his liking so he's confronting her about the sexual tension.] Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you. Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on. Janine: I don't think so. Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doin? Janine: I'm okay. Joey: What?!?! Oh dear God! [Cut to the interview.] Joey: Not much to tell there I'm really shy. (The gang is confused.) The Interviewer: So, that's it. I guess that's all I need. Thank you so much. I think they will be running this in the beginning of next month. Joey: Oh great! Great! Thank you. (They shake hands.) The Interviewer: Bye. Joey: Bye-bye. (The interviewer leaves and he sits down with the rest of the gang.) I did it! Rachel: Yeah! Ross: Amazing! Amazing! The Interviewer: (returning) Oh wait! I almost forgot. We have to ask everybody this. Other than Days of Our Lives, what's your favorite soap opera? Joey: Oh, I don't watch soap operas. Excuse me, I have a life, y'know? (The gang is disappointed.) The Interviewer: Thank you. The readers at Soap Opera Digest will be happy to hear that. Joey: Oh, good to know. (The interviewer leaves.) So close! Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is reading Joey's interview.] Rachel: Wow! I can't believe they didn't put it in the part where you said you didn't watch soap operas. Joey: Yeah, I called the lady about that. I told her I was just joking. She was pretty nice about that. Monica: You slept with her didn't you? Joey: Little bit, yeah. Ross: Wow! This picture of you sure is steamy. Joey: Oh yeah, that's just a little something for my huge gay fan base. (Winks at him.) Ross: Did you just wink at me? Joey: Hey, you're the one that loves the picture.

Joey prepares for an interview with Soap Opera Digest , although he's afraid of saying something stupid that may jeopardize his career. (In a previous episode , in an interview, he said he writes a lot of his own lines, which led to his firing from Days of Our Lives .) Joey enlists his friends to make sure things go well. This is the fourth of Friends' six clip shows .

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fd_Gilmore_Girls_01x07_0

(Lorelai and Rory are walking across the town center. The town is decorated for fall.) LORELAI: One of us has to do laundry tonight. RORY: Why? LORELAI: Because I haven't had any clean underwear for three days. RORY: So right now under your skirt you're wearing...? LORELAI: Not underwear. RORY: Mom! LORELAI: It's kinda nice, actually -- breezy. RORY: My role model, ladies and gentlemen. LORELAI: How come you haven't run out yet? RORY: I don't know. I guess I have more underwear than you. LORELAI: That's not true. You have less. Have you been doing laundry without me? RORY: No. LORELAI: Rory? RORY: OK, one load. LORELAI: And you didn't even ask if I had stuff to throw in? RORY: It was a big load. There wasn't any room. LORELAI: I'm crushed. I'm bleeding. Get me a tourniquet. Oh, no, they're dirty 'cause Rory wouldn't wash them with her stuff. RORY: I'm sorry. I'll do another load tonight, I promise. LORELAI: Never mind. I'll do my own laundry. RORY: Fine, even better. LORELAI: I hate doing laundry. Maybe I'll just buy new underwear. (They walk by Miss Patty's dance class having a dress rehearsal for a Thanksgiving dance outside.) MISS PATTY: And flutter, flutter, flutter, flutter, flutter...and leaves. Where are my leaves? I got pumpkins, I got Pilgrims, I got no leaves. (Rory and Lorelai enter Luke's cafe.) TAYLOR: Every other store in town has fall decorations. LUKE: Hoorah for the mob mentality. TAYLOR: We're talking a few streamers and a paper turkey. How's it gonna hurt to have a paper turkey? LUKE: No turkey, no squash, no pumpkins. Nothing colored orange. TAYLOR: OK, you don't like orange. That's fine. Autumn has many varied hues to toy with. LORELAI: Excuse me, can we get some coffee please? RORY: And a muffin? LORELAI: Warmed? TAYLOR: This is the Autumn Festival. Your show is right across the street from the Horn of Plenty! You're right smack dab in the middle of everything. You have to decorate. LUKE: I don't have to do anything but serve food. LORELAI: And coffee! RORY: And muffins! LUKE: Taylor, I'm tired of having this conversation with you every year. LORELAI: Yoo-hoo! TAYLOR: You have lived in Stars Hollow for a long time, young man. It's time you became one of us. (Lorelai waves money to get Luke's attention.) LORELAI: Whoo! LUKE: Sorry, I guess my pod's defective. RORY: Hey. My mom's not wearing any underwear. LORELAI: Oh! RORY: Well you aren't. TAYLOR: You're just being selfish, Luke. LORELAI: Still they don't notice. I can't take it anymore. TAYLOR: We're talking about the spirit of fall. (Lorelai gets the coffee herself and lifts the cover off the muffins. LORELAI: What kind of muffin do you want? RORY: Blueberry. LUKE: You know where you can stick the spirit of fall? (Luke hands Lorelai a utensil to pick up the muffins.) LUKE: Here, don't use your hands. TAYLOR: I don't think you're taking me seriously. LUKE: What gave you that idea? (to Lorelai, who is leaving) No tip? LORELAI: Oh, yeah, here's a tip -- serve your customers. LUKE: Here's another -- don't sit on any cold benches. (Lorelai and Rory walk out the door.) LUKE: Taylore, I swear to God, if you pull those Pilgrims out of your pocket one more time... TAYLOR: I'm just doing it -- LUKE No. (Cut to the street. Rory is geting off the bus from Hartford. She walks into the grocery store. Taylor and Dean are looking at a stack of canned goods.) TAYLOR: I don't know. It doesn't really look like the Mayflower. DEAN: Well we could put a sign on it or something. TAYLOR: I don't know. DEAN: So do you want to go back to the Plymouth Rock idea? (Taylor sighs. Dean looks around and sees Rory.) TAYLOR: We'll just live with it that way for a day. (Dean walks over to Rory, who is pretending to be interested in cornstarch.) DEAN: You know, you can get two for three bucks. RORY: Oh really? Excellent deal. DEAN: You just had a desperate need for some cornstarch? RORY: Yes. I have very important thickening needs, thank you. Nice apron. DEAN: Nice uniform. RORY: Well, you know, I sewed the buttons on with silver thread so that sets me apart from the crowd. (pause) I guess I should get home. DEAN: Wait a sec. You want a pop or something? RORY: A pop? DEAN: Give me a break. In Chicago they call it pop. RORY: Well in Connecticut we call it free soda. And yes, thank you. (They walk over to the soda. Dean hides two cans behind his back.) DEAN: Alright, guess which is in each hand and you get the soda. RORY: OK, the whole concept a free soda is that it's free, you don't have to work for it. DEAN: Sorry you gotta sing for your supper. RORY: Or your soda. DEAN: Guess. RORY: OK, in this hand you have -- (As Rory reaches for the soda behind Dean's back, Dean leans down and kisses her. When he pulls back, Rory is stunned.) RORY: Thank you. (Rory runs out of the store, down the street, and into Mrs. Kim's antique store.) RORY: Lane? Lane? LANE: What's wrong? RORY: I got kissed! And I shoplifted. (Rory is still holding the box of cornstarch.) LANE: Are you serious? Who kissed you? RORY: Dean. LANE: The new kid? RORY: Yes. LANE: You got the new kid? Oh my God! RORY: It happened so fast. I was just standing there -- LANE: Where? RORY: Doose's Market. LANE: He kissed you in the market? RORY: On aisle three. LANE: By the pest spray? RORY: Yes. LANE: Oh, that's a good aisle. RORY: What defines a good aisle? LANE: An aisle where you get kissed by the new kid is a good aisle. RORY: Oh my God. I can't breathe. LANE: OK, sit down. RORY: No I can't sit down. I'm too -- Oh my God, He kissed me! (Mrs. Kim comes up to the girls.) MRS. KIM: Who kissed you? LANE: The Lord, Mama. MRS. KIM: Oh, OK then. (Mrs. Kim moves away from the girls.) LANE: So? Tell me everything. RORY: So I go into the store and he offers me a soda. And then he puts two behind his back and he asks me to pick one and then he kissed me. LANE: I'm so jealous! That's it, I've got to get some dumb, ugly friends. RORY: I have to go tell my mom. LANE: Call me later. RORY: OK. (Rory starts to leave then stops.) LANE: What's wrong? RORY: I can't. LANE: You can't leave? It's sing your favorite hymn night at the Kim house. Make a run for it. RORY: My mom doesn't know about Dean. LANE: So tell her. RORY: The last time the subject of boys came up it got very ugly. LANE: Well that was different. She thought you were gonna to quit school over a guy. RORY: Yes, over Dean. LANE: OK, fine, but she doesn't have to know it was him. RORY: She'll know. LANE: How? RORY: She's Lorelai, she'll know. What do I do? LANE: Well maybe she'll be more open to the concept now that you're in school and doing so well and everything. RORY: Maybe. LANE: Try it. RORY: OK. I gotta go. LANE: Hey, was it great? RORY: It was perfect. LANE: Wow. RORY: Yeah. (Rory leaves.) (Cut to Lorelai's kitchen. She's lying half on the floor, half in the empty refrigerator, talking on the phone.) LORELAI: Yeah, can you hear that? (pause) No, no, it's higher, it's like a high-pitched kind of an "EEEEEE!" sound. It started last week but it was lower and it only happened when we opened the door and now it's higher and it's on all the time so I think it's really, uh, growing in confidence. (pause) OK, look, I've already told this to three other people so could you just please tell me what is wrong with this fridge? (pause) I'm not going to make the noise again. (pause) I'm not --- EEEEEE! (pause) Look, Jerry, I don't have a lot of pride but I do have enough that I do not want to make that noise again, so could you please, tell me what is wrong with the fridge or connect me with someone who can? (pause) Thank you. Hello...Rusty, great. Listen, my fridge is making this weird sound. It's like a high-pitched -- you know what -- actually, is Jerry still there? (pause) OK, have him make the sound. He knows it. I'll wait. (pause) I know! It does sound bad. (pause) OK,here is the deal. You will send someone out here, tomorrow, between the hours of eight and nine, because I work and I can't wait four hours for one of you guys to show up. (pause) Great! Good-bye. (While Lorelai is on the phone, Rory goes into her room and places the box of cornstarch on her dresser where she can see it then returns to the kitchen.) RORY: So are they coming tomorrow? LORELAI: Nope. Monday, between three and eight. I am completely useless. RORY: Sorry. LORELAI: Oh my God! Look at this place. It's a sty! Now I'm crabby. I'm crabby and useless. Stupid fridge! Stupid fridge guys! I hate my life. (Cut to the antique store. Lorelai enters.) LORELAI: Hello! Hello! (Mrs. Kim stands up from behind the counter.) MRS. KIM: Yes. LORELAI: Oh God! Quite an entrance. Jeez, my heart. MRS. KIM: Rory's not here. LORELAI: No, I know. I came to pick up that rocker that I bought a couple weeks ago. MRS. KIM: Six weeks ago. LORELAI: Oh, well, OK. Well, that's a couple times three. That's six. (no response) Math humor. Not big with a lot of people. Don't feel bad. (Mrs. Kim walks around the store looking for the chair. Lorelai follows.) MRS. KIM: This is not a storage facility. LORELAI: I know, I'm sorry. MRS. KIM: This is a furniture store. Furniture comes in, people buy, then it goes out. LORELAI: Right. MRS. KIM: Except when Lorelai Gilmore buys. Then furniture stays here for six weeks. LORELAI: How about I pay you extra? MRS. KIM: I don't want you to pay me extra. I want you to pick up the thing you paid for in the first place. (Mrs. Kim finds the rocker.) MRS. KIM: Here. LORELAI: Huh, I remember it smaller. MRS. KIM: It's been six weeks. Maybe it grew. LORELAI: Right, well, once again, I'm very sorry. I've just been very busy. MRS. KIM: Maybe you should be less busy. Then you can remember to pick up chairs. LORELAI: Right. Absolutely. Smell a rose, got it. MRS. KIM: And then you could keep your daughter from running around kissing boys. LORELAI: What? MRS. KIM: Lane is a young, impressionable girl. She doesn't need to hear about your daughter's kissing. LORELAI: Are the lids tight on the paint remover -- because you're sounding a little loopy to me. MRS. KIM: Loopy? What's loopy? LORELAI: Rory's not kissing anybody. MRS. KIM: Yes she is. She came in here and told Lane she kissed a boy in the grocery store. The grocery store! Where we buy our food. LORELAI: This does not make any -- she kissed a boy in the grocery store? MRS. KIM: Yes, yes, yes. The boy in the grocery store. Kiss, kiss, kiss. LORELAI: I'm sorry. I didn't know. (sadly) She didn't tell me. (pause) I have to go. (Lorelai quickly leaves the store.) MRS. KIM: You left your chair! (sighs) (Cut to the town center. Rory and Lane are dressed like Pilgrim women and are working at the canned goods drive.) LANE: OK, just one more time. RORY: I've been telling you this story for an hour. It doesn't get dirty. LANE: I can't help it. I'm obsessed. I'm totally living vicariously through you. RORY: Why? You got kissed last weekend. Remember? You told me. That guy your parents set you up with. The one with the Lincoln Continental. What's his name? Patrick Cho! LANE: OK, let's do a little compare and contrast here. You get kissed on the mouth by a cute, cool, sexy guy you really like. And I get kissed on the forehead by a theology major in a Members-Only jacket who truly believes that rock music leads to hard drugs. RORY: Fair enough. You can live through me. But just remember that I have no idea what I'm doing. LANE: I'm well aware of that. That's why I've been diligently gathering information for us. RORY: What kind of information? LANE: Well, let's see. Dean's from Chicago, which you know. RORY: I do. LANE: He likes Nick Drake and Liz Phair and the Sugarplastic and he's deathly allergic to walnuts. RORY: Walnuts -- bad. Got it. LANE: Now, he had a girlfriend in Chicago. RORY: A girlfriend? LANE: Her name's Beth and they went out for about a year but they split amicably before he left and now she's dating his cousin. Which he doesn't feel too weird about because he doesn't think they were really in love. RORY: Beth. LANE: I wouldn't worry about it. RORY: How'd you get all this information? LANE: Through his best friend, who, by the way, is really cool. So once you get settled with Dean do you think you could ask him about Todd? RORY: Oh, absolutely. So, Beth, huh? I hate the name Beth. It's so...Beth. LANE: Now, Todd also said that Dean hasn't been able to talk about anything but you for weeks! (They giggle and Rory kisses Lane's forehead.) LANE: Stop it, you're giving me Patrick Cho flashbacks. (They laugh.) (Cut to Luke's. Luke is serving Miss Patty and a female customer seated with her.) MISS PATTY: Oh, Luke, the food here is lovely but you know what would make it even better? LUKE: Let me guess: some autumn festival decorations? MISS PATTY: Well food without ambience isn't really food, is it? LUKE: More iced tea, Patty? MISS PATTY: Oh, no, thank you. It's much too depressing in here for tea. LUKE: You realize Taylor's a head case, right? MISS PATTY: Yes, but at least he's a festive one. LUKE: Just eat. (Lorelai is sitting at a table watching Rory and Lane out the window.) LUKE: Coffee? (no answer) Aw, come on. Are you mad at me too? I mean, a man can't choose whether or not he wants a picture of a fat, stupid bird on his wall? My God, that's the reason the damn Pilgrims came here in the first place. LORELAI: Luke, I wasn't snubbing you. I didn't hear you and now I'm concerned about you. LUKE: Sorry, just feeling a little persecuted lately. Coffee? LORELAI: Please. LUKE: You OK? LORELAI: Yes, I'm fine. LUKE: You don't look fine. LORELAI: Well thank you. LUKE: I just meant you look concerned. LORELAI: I'm preoccupied. LUKE: You look concerned. LORELAI: Well I'm not. LUKE: Fine, you just look it. LORELAI: Hey, you know some streamers would look so great in here. LUKE: OK, I'm done. LORELAI: Thank you. (Luke walks away. Rory rushes in and sits down.) RORY: Sorry, sorry, sorry. LORELAI: Oh, hey. Save your apologies for the Indians, missy. RORY: People are really in a giving mood today. The horn of plenty is packed. LORELAI: That's great. Do you want some coffee? RORY: Oh, no, I'll just have a sip of yours. I have to get right back. LORELAI: Oh, really? I thought we were having lunch today. RORY: I can't. We're one Pilgrim short. I only have a couple minutes. LORELAI: Oh. You've been really busy lately. RORY: Yeah. I guess it's that end-of-the-year rush LORELAI: I mean, we haven't even really talked in a couple of days. RORY: What do you want to talk about? LORELAI: I don't know. Anything. RORY: OK. Did you read that article in the newspaper about the polar ice caps melting? LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. Ooh big deal. RORY: Fine. You pick the subject. LORELAI: Oh, OK, great. I was watching General Hospital the other day and you know, they have a new Lucky 'cause the old Lucky went to play something where he could have a real name. So the old Lucky had this girlfriend, Liz, who thought that he died in a fire. So then they bring on this new Lucky and you're all like "OK, I know that's not the old Lucky because the new Lucky has way more hair gel issues" but still, Liz was so upset about his supposed death that you could not wait to see them kiss, you know? RORY: When do you have time to watch General Hospital? LORELAI: OK, let's get back to the point. What do you think about the whole Liz/Lucky kissing thing? RORY: I think they're actors being paid to play a part so it's nice that they're living up to their obligations. LORELAI: Hmm. Rory -- RORY: Look, can we finish this very meaningful conversation later? I promised Lane I'd get right back. LORELAI: OK, I'll see you later. RORY: OK. Bye. LORELAI: Bye. (Rory leaves quickly. Luke comes back to the table.) LUKE: I'm not gonna say you look concerned. LORELAI: I'm not gonna talk about how good you'd look dressed like one of the guys from 'The Crucible.' LUKE: Fair enough. (Lorelai goes to the market and sees Dean working. She hides in an aisle and watches him bag groceries. Luke comes in, spots Lorelai, and walks up behind her.) LUKE: Hey. LORELAI: (startled) Oh, God! What are you doing? LUKE: What are you doing? LORELAI: I asked you first. LUKE: I ran out of cream. LORELAI: Yeah me too. LUKE: What are you starin' at? LORELAI: Nothing. Don't look, don't look. LUKE: What is wrong with you today? LORELAI: Rory got kissed. LUKE: What? LORELAI: Rory had her first kiss and that guy did it. LUKE: Ah. LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: The new kid. LORELAI: Yep. (Luke laughs.) LORELAI: Oh look at him. Look how smug he is. LUKE: He's bagging groceries. It's hard to be smug bagging groceries. LORELAI: Oh look how he just handled those lemons. LUKE: What are you talking about? LORELAI: He threw them in the bag. Not tossed them or placed them but threw them like they were nothing to him. LUKE: They're lemons. LORELAI: They're symbolic. LUKE: OK. We need to get you out of here. LORELAI: No. That' Lothario over there has wormed his way into my daughter's heart and mouth and for that he must die! LUKE: That's it, let's go. LORELAI: No. LUKE: You're not going to kill the bag boy. LORELAI: Why not? LUKE: It's double coupon day. You'll bring down the town. (Luke drags Lorelai out of the store.) LORELAI: OK, OK. I'm out. Stop pushing me. LUKE: What are you thinking spying on that kid like that? LORELAI: I don't know. I just wanted to see him. I mean I've seen him already but that was before he was -- LUKE: Rory's boyfriend? LORELAI: Shush, you. LUKE: She's growing up. LORELAI: I know. LUKE: There's nothing you can do about that. LORELAI: OK, Mr. Reality, break into somebody's else's house. LUKE: Sorry. LORELAI: Why didn't she tell me? LUKE: What? LORELAI: Why didn't Rory tell me about the kiss? LUKE: Maybe she didn't know you'd take it so well. LORELAI: Want to hear something crazy? LUKE: 'Cause all the talk up until now has been so normal. LORELAI: He kind of looks like Christopher. LUKE: The grocery kid? LORELAI: Yeah. He looks like Christopher. LUKE: And Christopher is Rory's dad? LORELAI: The hair, the build, something about the eyes. He reminds me of Christopher. LUKE: Well that's not too surprising. LORELAI: You're going to quote Freud to me? 'Cause I'll push you in front of a moving car. This talk was going so well. LUKE: You and Rory are a lot alike. It's not surprising you would have similar tastes in men. LORELAI: I guess. But why? Why didn't she tell me? We tell each other everything. LUKE: This is different LORELAI: But we tell each other everything else. But this she keeps a secret. It's 'cause it's a guy thing. LUKE: Probably. LORELAI: Well that's not good. I have to make her understand that I'm OK with the guy thing. 'Cause not talking about guys and our personal lives -- that's me and my mom. That is not me and Rory. LUKE: Are you OK with the guy thing? LORELAI: Yes. LUKE: Really? LORELAI: OK...ish. LUKE: That's not OK. LORELAI: Well it's OK with an -ish. LUKE: Whatever you say. LORELAI: She just -- she thinks I'll disapprove, right? Well I won't. I will show her that I think this is great. Once she sees that I think this is great, everything will be back to normal between us, right? Right -- OK, good. LUK:E So you passed the need for an actual person to talk to several minutes ago. LORELAI: Oh, yeah. Before the gelato stand. LUKE: You're an amazing woman. LOREALI: Thank you for noticing. (Cut to Lorelai's house. Lorelai is sitting on the couch. She gets up and looks out the window then runs back to the couch when she sees Rory is home.) RORY: Hey, sorry I'm late. LORELAI: Oh, hey, no big deal. There's Chinese in the fridge. RORY: OK. (Lorelai follows Rory into the kitchen and stands behind her as Rory opens the fridge.) LORELAI: So...kissed any good boys lately? RORY: Who...? LORELAI: Mrs. Kim. RORY: (mumbling) Of course. LORELAI: So, he's cute. RORY: Yeah, he is. LORELAI: Can he spell? RORY: He can spell and read. How long have you known? LORELAI: Since this morning. You didn't think you were gonna be able to keep it a secret did you? You were making out in the market. RORY: We weren't making out. It was just one kiss. LORELAI: Yeah, well by the time that gets to Miss Patty's it's a scene from 9 1/2 Weeks. RORY: You've known all this time? At Luke's? Here? LORLELAI: Yeah. RORY: You could have said something. LORELAI: Now, funny, I was going to say the same thing to you. RORY: So... LORELAI: So... RORY: What now? LORELAI: Now? Nothing? RORY: No? No lecture about kissing a boy? LORELAI: Why? Did you do it wrong? RORY: No...I don't think. LORELAI: I didn't love the way I found out, but you're getting older. These things are bound to happen occasionally. Actually I think it's great. RORY: No you don't. LORELAI: Yes I do. I'm thrilled. RORY: Thrilled? LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: You're completely weirded out by this aren't you? LORELAI: No. You're crazy. I'm perfectly fine with it. RORY: You don't seem fine. You seem the complete opposite of fine. LORELAI: Well you're projecting that on me because you don't want to think that I'm fine when I am, as I have said, fine. RORY: OK. LORELAI: Never been finer. RORY: Got it. You want some? LORELAI: No, thanks. I'm fine. (Cut to Lorelai and Rory walking down the street.) LORELAI: OK, we have to be really quick, 'cause the video store's gonna close, so stick to our list. No impulse buying like toothpaste or soap. (Lorelai starts to go into the market. Rory stops at the door.) LORELAI: Rory? RORY: Hey, I think we have enough stuff to eat at home. LORELAI: Really...where do you live? 'Cause the home I left this morning had nothing. RORY: Well we're ordering pizza. That's enough. LORELAI: Are you crazy? You can't watch Willy Wonka without massive amounts of junk food! It's not right. I won't allow it. We're going in. (Rory hesitates.) LORELAI: Rory, it's fine. RORY: It's too weird. LORELAI: I'm gonna have to meet him eventually. RORY: OK. How about next year? LORELAI: I'm going to be so cool in there you will mistake me for Shaft. RORY: There will be no interrogation. LORELAI: I swear. RORY: No kissing noises. No stories from my childhood. No referring to Chicago as Chitown. No James Dean jokes. No father with a shotgun stares. No Nancy Walker impressions. LORELAI: Oh come on! RORY: Promise me. LORELAI: I really and truly promise. Now can we please go to the market? RORY: OK. Let's go. (They go in.) RORY: I don't see him. LORELAI: All right. Well maybe he's on a break. RORY: Yeah. Yeah, maybe he's on a break. LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: OK, good. So we can shop. LORELAI: Yep. RORY: Do we want marshmallows? LORELAI: Mmm...and jelly beans and chocolate kisses. Cookie dough we have at home. Peanut butter. Ooh, do you think they have that thing that's like a sugar stick on one side but then you dip it in the sugar on the other side then you eat it? RORY: We are going to be so sick. It's amazing that we still function. There he is. LORELAI: Boy, he's tall. That must have been some back-bender, that kiss. RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Make sure you warm up next time. RORY: OK, we are leaving now. LORELAI: Sorry. Done now. He's got great eyes! You got to love a guy with great eyes. RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: And a nice smile. RORY: Very nice. LORELAI: Think we can get him to turn around? RORY: It's nice too. LORELAI: Really? RORY: Trust me. LORELAI: (to cashier) Hey. CASHIER: Oh, you girls having another movie night? LORELAI: Yeah...It's Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. CASHIER: Oh, that's nice. Isn't that the one with Gene Hackman? DEAN: Uh, Gene Wilder. LORELAI: You're a Wonka fan? DEAN: Yeah. RORY: Um, Dean, this is my mom, Lorelai. Mom, this is Dean. LORELAI: Nice to meet you, Dean. DEAN: Yeah, you too. LORELAI: Nice apron. DEAN: Um...thanks. CASHIER: Forty-one eighty-three. LORELAI: Oh, wow. It's expensive to slowly rot your insides isn't it? Here you go. RORY: (taking the bag from Dean) Thank you. DEAN: You're welcome. LORELAI: So, Dean, nice meeting you. Hope to see you again. DEAN: Yeah. (Another employee calls Dean away.) LORELAI: See that wasn't so bad. RORY: You're right. LORELAI: I said nothing embarrassing, nothing stupid. RORY: I appreciate that. LORELAI: So chill out, Supermarket Slut. RORY: See, even a little information in your hands is dangerous. (They leave.) LORELAI: I need coffee. RORY: Mom, the video store closes in ten minutes. LORELAI: Well you run to the video store and I'll go get coffe. RORY: Fine. LORELAI: Go, go, go. I'll meet you at Luke's. (Rory runs off. Dean comes out of the market.) DEAN: Hey, you forgot your Red Vines. LORELAI: Oh, wow! You totally saved the night. Thanks. DEAN: Sure. LORELAI: Hey, what are you doing tonight? DEAN: Me? Uh, well, I don't know. LORELAI: Well, do you want to come over? We're ordering pizza. We've got a movie. The neighborhood's got a pool going to see who falls into a sugar coma first. I'm the favorite. It might be fun. DEAN:Uh, well, um...uh. LORELAI: Oh, it's totally casual. I'm sure Rory would love it. DEAN: OK, sure. LORELAI: Yeah? DEAN: Yeah, what time? LORELAI: Seven sound good? DEAN: Sounds fine. LORELAI: Let me give you our address. DEAN: That's OK. I know where you live. LORELAI: Of course you do. So see you tonight. DEAN: Bye. LORELAI: Bye. (Dean goes back in. Rory walks back to Lorelai.) LORELAI: So? RORY: Got it! LORELAI: Score! You know, on the one hand I'm glad it was in but on the other hand what kind of world do we live in where no one has rented Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? RORY: Well we rented it. LORELAI: Well thank God for us. Oh, hey, I invited your friend. RORY: What friend? LORELAI: Dean. RORY: (upset) What? LORELAI: Yeah, I told him what we were doing tonight and he was totally into it so -- Why are you looking at me like that? RORY: You invited Dean? To our house? LORELAI: Yes. RORY: Are you crazy? LORELAI: Why are you mad? RORY: Because we haven't even been out on a date by ourselves yet. My first date with Dean is going to be with my mother? Are -- What is wrong with you? LORELAI: I'm sorry. I thought you would be happy about this. RORY: In what universe would I be happy? This isn't Amish country. Girls and boys usually date alone. LORELAI: I don't think of it as a date. I thought of it more as a hanging out kind of session. RORY: Well I don't want our first hanging out session to be with my mother either. LORELAI: Stop saying mother like that. RORY: Like what? LORELAI: Like there's supposed to be another word after it. RORY: I can't believe you did this. I'm so humiliated. LORELAI: You're totally overreacting. I invited him to a movie and pizza, not to Niagra Falls. RORY: He's the boy that I like. LORELAI: I know. I looked for one that you hated but it was really short notice. RORY: And now he's forced to come over and sit with me and my mother and eat crap and watch a movie? LORELAI: Well I just invited a friend of yours to hang out. What's the big deal? I mean what if Lane had done it? RORY: You're not Lane. You're my mother. You inviting him over is like Grandma inviting a guy you liked over. LORELAI: You're comparing me to my mother? RORY: No, I just -- LORELAI: I'm Emily Gilmore? My, how the mighty have fallen. RORY: I didn't mean that. LORELAI: I wasn't trying to humiliate you. RORY: I know. LORELAI: If I was Emily Gilmore I'd be trying to humiliate you. RORY: I just -- LORELAI: Look, I'm sorry, OK? I screwed up. I was trying to -- Look, I'll go, I'll uninvite him. I'll tell him that it's cancelled on account of I just found out I'm my mother and I have to go into intensive therapy right now. RORY: No, you can't uninvite him. He'll think I totally wigged out or something. LORELAI: Well then I'll just disappear and you guys can be alone. RORY: Oh, and have it look like my mom arranged a date for me? No! LORELAI: What do we do? RORY: He has to come. LORELAI: It won't be so bad, OK? Just pizza and a movie and hanging out. I promise you won't feel like your mother is there. RORY: OK. LORELAI: OK. You might, however, feel like my mother is there. RORY: Oh, boy. LORELAI: Well... [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Rory's bedroom. Rory is wearing a bathrobe and has clothes spread out all over the bed. Lorelai comes in.) LORELAI: Hey. This is good. Add some cold cream and some curlers and let him know what he'll be coming home to every night. RORY: This was supposed to be a simple night. Watch movie, eat junk, go to bed feeling sick. End of story. Now I'm supposed to look pretty and girly, which is completely impossible because I'm gross and I have nothing to wear. LORELAI: Do you want some help? RORY: No...yes. LORELAI: OK. Uh...let's see. We'll do this and... (Lorelai looks over the clothes for a minute.) LORELAI: All right This says 'hello, I'm hip and cute but also relaxed since this is something I just threw on even though it looks fantastic on me.' RORY: How'd you do that? LORELAI: What? RORY: I've been staring at that top for twenty minutes. It was just a top. You walked in and in three seconds, it's an outfit. LORELAI: It comes from years of experiencing fashion brain freeze like the one you just had. RORY: How do you do it? LORELAI: What? RORY: This whole guy thing. I mean I've watched you when you talk to a man. You have a comeback for everything, you make him laugh, you smile right -- LORELAI: I smile right? RORY: And then you do the little hair flip. LORELAI: Oh, twirl. It's a hair twirl. RORY: And then you walk away and he just stands there, amazed, like he can't believe what just happened. LORELAI: That's because I just stole his wallet. RORY: I'll never be able to do that. Trig, I can do. But boys and dating? Forget it. I'm a total spaz. LORELAI: Listen, the talking part, you just get used to. The hair twirl I can teach you. And the leaving him amazed part -- with your brain and killer blue eyes I'm not worried. You'll do fine. Just give yourself a little time to get there. RORY: Is half an hour enough? LORELAI: Plenty. Come on. Dab on some lip gloss, clear but fruity. Maybe a little mascara. Wear your hair down and your attitude high. RORY: You're like a crazy Elsa Klensch. LORELAI: Oh, thank you! Come on now, hustle. We got a man coming over. (Cut to the living room. The table is full of junk food. Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the couch.) RORY: What time did you tell him to get here? LORELAI: Seven. RORY: Maybe something happened. Maybe he's not coming. LORELAI: Maybe he's just late, Miss German train. (Lorelai goes to the window and looks out.) LORELAI: Oops. RORY: What? (Rory joins Lorelai at the window. Dean is standing in the yard next door talking to Babette. Morey is leaning out the window.) BABETTE: There used be a great club there called -- what was it called baby? MOREY: Uh...Mr. Kelly's. BABETTE: Oh, yeah--Mr. Kelly's. You ever go there? RORY: They've got Dean. LORELAI: Wait here. BABETTE: So, Dean, you like jazz? DEAN: Sure, yeah. LORELAI: Oh, he sure does. That's all we ever hear about, right?. Jazz, jazz. Jazz, jazz, jazz. Hey. BABETTE: Hey, sugar. We were just getting to know your young man, here. LORELAI: Yeah, I see that. So, Dean, um, would you mind going inside and helping Rory out? There's a struggle with a pickle jar lid that I think she's about to lose. DEAN: Oh, sure, yeah. BABETTE: Oh it was nice talking to you, Dean. DEAN: Yeah, you too. MOREY: Stay cool, kid. DEAN: I will. (Dean goes in.) BABETTE: Oh, he's so cute. LORELAI: Yeah. BABETTE: And that Chuck Heston chin of his. Is he Rory's boyfriend? LORELAI: No, they're just friends. BABETTE: That's not what I heard. Kissing at the market. Gives a whole new meaning to tasting day. LORELAI: OK. I got to get back inside and shower. So I'll talk to you guys later. BABETE: Yeah, have a good evening. And don't forget to invite us to the wedding. Oh won't their kids be gorgeous! LORELAI: Oh. God I hope not. (Cut to the living room.) DEAN: I'm sorry I'm late. I got here like a half hour ago. RORY: We believe you. LORELAI: We'd believe you if you said you got here three hours ago. (They all stand there for a minute.) LORELAI: So, Dean, how do you like it here in Stars Hollow? DEAN: I like it. It's quiet, but nice. I like all the trees everywhere. LORELAI: Yeah, the trees are something. When Rory was little, she found out that one was called a Weeping Willow so she spent hours trying to cheer it up. You know, like telling it jokes and -- No, I'm sorry that was me. (silence) Would you like a tour of the house? DEAN: OK. LORELAI: OK. So this is the living room where we do our living and, um, upstairs is my room and the good bathroom. And the...kitchen is right through here. You ever heard a fridge yodel before? (Dean goes into the kitchen.) RORY: (whispers) Thank you. LORELAI: (whispers) You're welcome. (normal voice) Well you have your basics: microwave for popcorn, stove for storing shoes, refrigerator, which is completely worthless. DEAN: Interesting. (The doorbell rings.) LORELAI: Oh, I'll get that. Rory, you take over as tour guide. Make sure and show him the emergency exits. RORY: That's my mom. DEAN: She's got energy. RORY: Yeah well she's 90% water, 10% caffeine. DEAN: So what's in there? RORY: Um, that's my room. DEAN: Really? Can I see it? (Rory hovers in the doorway while Dean looks around her room. He picks up a CD.) DEAN: Wow. Very clean. How much does it suck that they use 'Pink Moon' in a Volkswagen commercial? RORY: Oh, I know. DEAN: So you gonna come in? RORY: Oh, no. I've seen it. DEAN: I mean you look like you're glued to the door there. RORY: No -- I'm just, uh, observing my room from a new perspective. You know, I hardly ever stand here. It's really making me rethink my throw pillows. DEAN: Would you like me to get out of here? RORY: No, I'm fine with you looking around. (Dean picks up a stuffed chicken and laughs.) DEAN: Nice chicken RORY: Or, you know, at least I was. (Cut to the front door.) LORELAI: We do not need dessert, Sookie. SOOKIE: Oh, everybody needs dessert. So, where is Rory? LORELAI: With Dean. SOOKIE: Dean? Oh, that's right, yeah, Dean is here. LORELAI: Yeah, right. OK. You need to go now. SOOKIE: Please. I just want one little peek. LORELAI: No. SOOKIE: (stalling) OK, fine, so, uh, how are you? How are you doing? How you doing? Are you -- LORELAI: Sookie. SOOKIE: I'm concerned. LORELAI: You're stalling. SOOKIE: Am I? LORELAI: Sookie. (Lorelai opens the door to let Sookie out. The pizza delivery guy is standing on the other side. JOE: Hey, Lorelai. LORELAI: Hey, Joe. What do I owe ya? JOE: Fifteen even. LORELAI: OK. How are you doing? JOE: Awesome. SOOKIE: What did you get on your pizza? Did you ask for extra sauce? Because I always ask for extra sauce because sometimes -- LORELAI: Sookie, she's already freaked out that I invited him here. If she thinks I'm parading him around in front of all my friends, she'll kill me. SOOKIE: But I just -- LORELAI: Death, bloody and slow, OK? RORY: (from her room) Mom, is that the pizza? LORELAI: Yeah. (to Sookie) OK, bye. Now go. SOOKIE: Bu I just wanted -- LORELAI: No. Bye. SOOKIE: Bye-bye. (Lorelai ushers Sookie --with the pizza-- out the door just as Rory and Dean come in.) LORELAI: So are you hungry? DEAN: Starving. RORY: Where's the pizza? LORELAI: The pizza's, uh -- SOOKIE: Pizza! (Sookie comes inside.) SOOKIE: Just bringing in the pizza. Hi, I'm Sookie. I'm a friend of Lorela's. DEAN: Hi. SOOKIE: Hi. Nice to meet you, Dean. I mean, not that I knew you were Dean. But you do look like a Dean. Doesn't he look like a Dean? LORELAI: Yeah. Of all the people in this room he looks most like a Dean. Bye Sookie. Have fun! SOOKIE: OK. (Sookie leaves.) DEAN: Here, um, I'll take that. LORELAI: Oh, thanks. Great. The coffee table's fine. (Dean goes into the living room.) LORELAI: (whispers) I did not invite her here. RORY: (whispers) Why didn't you just set up a camera and broadcast it over the internet? LORELAI: (whispers) Because I don't think that big. DEAN: Thank God there's good pizza here. LORELAI: Oh, yeah. Now we didn't know what kind you liked so we just got everything. DEAN: Everything is fine. LORELAI: Good, well, while it's hot. (Time lapse. They are all seated on the floor eating popcorn.) LORELAI: Who needs more? RORY: I do. DEAN: Wow. You can eat. RORY: Yes I can. Oh that's bad isn't it? DEAN: No, uh, most girls don't eat. It's good you eat. LORELAI: I'm all for it. RORY: Let's talk about something besides my eating habits, shall we? LORELAI: Oooh -- Oompa Loompas! RORY: My mom has a thing for the Oompa Loompas. LORELAI: I don't think finding them amusing constitutes a thing. RORY: No, but having a recurring dream about marrying one does. LORELAI: Don't even get me started on your Prince Charming crush, OK? At least my obsessions are alive. You have a thing for a cartoon. DEAN: Ooh, Prince Charming, huh? RORY: It was a long time ago. And not the Cinderella one, the Sleeping Beauty one. DEAN: 'Cause he could dance. RORY: Yeah. DEAN: I've got sisters. LORELAI: So, come on, Dean, tell us some of your embarrassing secrets. DEAN: Well, I have no embarrassing secrets. LORELAI: Oh, please. RORY: I bet I know one. DEAN: What? RORY: The theme from Ice Castles makes you cry. LORELAI: Oh, that's a good one. DEAN: That's not true. LORELAI: Oh I've got one. At the end of The Way We Were, you wanted Robert Redford to dump his wife and kid for Barbra Streisand. DEAN: I've never seen The Way We Were. LORELAI: Oh! RORY: Are you kidding? LORELAI: What are you waiting for? Heartache, laughter -- RORY: Communism. LORELAI: All in one neat package. DEAN: I'll have to experience that sometime. LORELAI: Next movie night. RORY: It's a plan. LORELAI: I'll get the popcorn. RORY: Bring in the spray cheese. (Lorelai leaves.) DEAN: So, uh, at what point does the outsider get to suggest a movie for movie night? RORY: That depends. What movie are you thinking of? DEAN: I don't know...Boogie Nights, maybe. RORY: You'll never get that past Lorelai. DEAN: Not a Marky Mark fan? RORY: She had a bad reaction to Magnolia. She sat there screaming for three hours 'I want my life back!' and then we got kicked out of the theater. It was actually a pretty entertaining day. DEAN: Yeah? RORY: Yeah. DEAN: I guess I'll have to come up with a different movie then. RORY: I guess you will. DEAN: That Oompa Loompa -- right there. You know when he's dancing? (Lorelai starts coming back to the living room, sees Rory and Dean sitting side by side, and goes back into the kitchen to read a magazine.) (Time lapse. Rory tries to get more comfortable. Dean places a pillow behind her back.) RORY: Thank you. (Rory stares at Dean but turns away when he looks over at her.) DEAN: Hey. RORY: I'll be right back. (Cut to the kitchen.) RORY: Mom! LORELAI: What? RORY: What are you doing in here? LORELAI: Trying to find the best bathing suit for my bust size. RORY: Well get back in there! LORELAI: Why? What happened? Did the bag boy try something? RORY: He's sitting in there and he's watching the movie and he's perfect and he smells really good. LORELAI: What? RORY: He smells really good and he looks amazing and I am stupid. I said 'thank you.' LORELAI: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You said 'thank you?' RORY: When he kissed me. LORELAI: He kissed you again? What is he just out of prison or something? RORY: No, not now. Yesterday. At the store. LORELAI: Oh, all right. Strike the prison comment. He kissed you and you said 'thank you?' RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Well that was very polite. RORY: No, it was stupid. And I don't know what I'm doing here. You're sitting in the kitchen. What kind of chaperone are you? LORELAI: Me? I'm not trying to be a chaperone. I'm trying to be a girlfriend. RORY: Well switch gears, 'cause I'm freaking out here! LORELAI: You really like him, don't you? RORY: Yeah. LOREAI: Well, OK, then. Just calm down. RORY: I just don't want to do or say anything else that's gonna be remotely moronic. LORELAI: I'm afraid once your heart is involved it all comes out in Moron. RORY: Just please come back in. LORELAI: OK. Let's go then. RORY: Wait we can't go back in together though because that would be too obvious. LORELAI: All right. OK. I'll go in first and you go to the bathroom. RORY: OK. Good. Tell him I had to wash my face. LORELAI: Yes. 'Cause of all the sugar you ate. RORY: Yes! Good. Very good. LORELAI: OK. (Lorelai sits on the floor beside Dean.) LORELAI: Hi. I'm back. Rory went to wash her face. DEAN: Oh, OK. (They sit in silence for a minute until Lorelai turns the TV off.) LORELAI: Dean. I don't know exactly how to say this, but, um, this is a very different kind of household you walked into tonight. DEAN: Yeah, I know. LORELAI: See...Rory is my daughter. DEAN: (rolling his eyes) Ah...here comes the talk. LORELAI: How about I talk, you listen? Rory is a smart kid. She's never been much for guys so the fact that she likes you means a lot. I don't believe she'd waste her time with some loser. DEAN: But you're watching me. LORELAI: Sweetheart, the whole town is watching you. That girl in there is beloved around here. You hurt her, there's not a safe place within a hundred miles for you to hide. This is a very small, weird place you've moved to. DEAN: I've noticed. LORELAI: So just know all eyes are on you. DEAN: Anything else? LORELAI: She's not going on your motorcycle. DEAN: I don't have a motorcycle. LORELAI: She's not going on your motorcycle. DEAN: Fine, she won't go on my motorcycle. LORELAI: Curfew will be enforced. You will not detract from her schoolwork, and you're going to start handling those lemons better. DEAN: What? LORELAI: Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking. I reserve the right to change, alter, tweak, or add to this list of rules at any given time without any written notice. Am I clear? DEAN: You're clear. LORELAI: Good. DEAN: My turn to speak? LORELAI: Fine, go ahead. DEAN: You can lay on all the rules you want and you can have the whole town spy on me and stare at me and chase me through the streets -- LORELAI: Oh I like the chase you through the streets idea. DEAN: But I'm not going anywhere. LORELAI: Well it's gonna be a short chase then isn't it? DEAN: I need you not to hate me. If you hate me then I don't have a shot in hell with Rory. LORELAI: Rory has her own mind. DEAN: Yeah but you're her best friend and what you think means everything to her and you know that. LORELAI: I wanna like you. 'Cause Rory likes you. DEAN: But you don't. LORELAI: I want to and I usually get what I want. DEAN: Fair enough. (Lorelai turns the TV back on.) DEAN: She's taking a long time on her face. LORELAI: Yeah, well, Rory's a perfectionist. (Cut to the front porch. Rory and Dean are leaning against the railing.) DEAN: Tell your mom thanks for inviting me. RORY: I'm sorry if this was totally weird. I mean with my mom inviting you over and -- DEAN: Hey, no, it was good. Really. RORY: Really? DEAN: Yeah. (They kiss.) DEAN: Thank you. (Dean leaves.) (Cut to Lorelai's bedroom. She's lying on the bed. Rory comes in and lies down next to her.) LORELAI: So that went well. RORY: Yeah, not bad. LORELAI: Did I humiliate you? RORY: I don't know. What did you say to him when I went to the bathroom? LORELAI: That you're pretty. RORY: Liar. LORELAI: Yeah...well. RORY: I'm gonna go to bed. (Rory starts to leave. Lorelai sighs.) RORY: Mom, what's the matter? LORELAI: Nothing. RORY: Yes there is. Come on, tell me. LORELAI: Nothing. I just really wanted you to tell me about that kiss. RORY: I'm so sorry. I really wanted to, I swear. I just got scared and -- LORELAI: I know. I'm not mad. I just wanted to hear about it. That's all. It's no big deal. It's OK, I'm fine. It's one too many Caramello bars. I'm sorry. You have school, I have work, so time for bed. RORY: OK. Night. LORELAI: OK, night, hon. RORY: Mom? LORELAI: Hmm? RORY: I know this is lame and totally after the fact but -- LORELAI: Start from the beginning and you leave anything out you die! Where were you? RORY: OK, I was in the aisle where the ant spray is. LORELAI: That's a good aisle. RORY: I know, that's what Lane said too. But anyway, so he was working and I go into the store and I sort of walked around and was pretending to shop...

Dean gives Rory her first kiss, to which she responds, "Thank you," and then accidentally shoplifts a box of corn starch. Fearful of her mother's disapproval, Rory confides in Lane and decides not to tell Lorelai for a little while. As a result, Lorelai is distressed when she learns about the kiss from Mrs. Kim. She confronts Rory, who confesses about the awkward kiss. Later that night, Rory freaks out when Lorelai invites Dean over to watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and eat junk food, but she ends up having a good time after all.

fd_Merlin_05x12

fd_Merlin_05x12_0

Morgana's fortress A man wearing a hooded cloak enters and stands before Morgana. Mordred is at her right side. Morgana: What a pleasure it is to see you again, Ari. Ari pushes his hood back. There is a druid symbol on his neck. Ari: The honour is all mine, my lady. Morgana: Your arrival has been keenly anticipated, I can assure you. I have boasted of your powers. Though not all believe. Ari: People may believe as they wish. Morgana: Well perhaps some small proof of your talents is in order. After all, seeing is believing. Is it not? Ari: I'm not an entertainer, my lady. Morgana: Of course not. Think of it as more as a demonstration. Extinguish those flames. Ari: My lady, I must protest. Morgana: Indulge me. Ari: *** Forth fleoge! The fires go out. Morgana: Impressive, indeed. Who here now could deny your powers? A guard brings a box to Morgana. Ari recognizes the symbol on the on it. Morgana stands up to open the box. Ari tries to move back but the guards grab his arms. Morgana: *** Aweax thu metethearfenda! Thicge thu thone drycraeft the thinan deorcan mode gefylth. Ari: Not this! Morgana: *** Thicge thu thone drycraeft the thinan deorcan mode gefylth. The guards force him down to the ground. Ari: Please, Morgana. My lady. Morgana: *** Aweax thu metethearfenda! Ari: I beg of you. I'm begging you. A slug like creature slithers it way up the box. It leaps at Ari, landing on his face. Ari struggles with it for a while. The creature then slithers away. Morgana goes back to her throne. Ari lies still after the creature has attacked. Mordred: Is he dead? Morgana: If I had wanted him dead, I would have put a sword in his gut. Ari takes a deep breath. The guards help him up. Morgana: Don't despair Ari, we're nearly done. If you'd do me the favour of relighting those fires? Ari: You know...I cannot. Morgana: For the benefit of my friends. Ari jerks his arms free from the guards. Ari: I will not humiliate myself before you. Morgana: You will if you want to see your family alive. Ari: *** Bael onbryne. Nothing happens. Morgana: Again! If you please. Ari: *** Bael onbryne. Ari sobs. Morgana motions for the guards to take him away. Mordred: He was a loyal soldier. In robbing him of his magic you've lost yourself a powerful ally. Morgana: Perhaps. But now we know the war can be won. For Arthur is nothing without Emrys and Emrys is nothing without magic. [Opening Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace outside A guard exits a tunnel with a torch, and turns to his right. Patrolling the grounds. There is a man that is sneaking along the aisle way with the box that has the creature in it. He enters the tunnel that the guard came out of. [SCENE_BREAK] Tavern Arthur shakes his cup of dice in Merlin's face, turns to his turn and drops the dice on the table. Arthur: Three! It's a three. The tavern people cheer. Arthur: Feel free to retire at any time. Merlin: Likewise. Arthur: There's no...uh...disgrace for a servant to lose to his King. Merlin: Or a King to a servant. More laughing from the tavern people. Merlin laughs with them. Tavern people: Ohhh... Merlin takes a small handful of silver coins and drops them on a plate. Arthur notices how much there is. Arthur: Watch out. Here we go. Merlin shakes the cup, brings it to his mouth and blows on the dice. His eyes glow. He drops the dice on table. Merlin: Ten. More cheering. Arthur has a look that says 'unbelievable.' Percival gives a small smile. Merlin pretends that he can't believe he rolled a ten. Tavern people: Yay! Arthur leans across the table to Merlin. Merlin picks up the coins. Arthur: (whispers) Enjoy this moment, Merlin...while it lasts. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace corridor Two knights step through a doorway and walk down the corridor. The man with the box comes out from behind the door and walks across the corridor to the door that leads to the physician's chambers. [SCENE_BREAK] Physician's chambers The man with the box quietly enters. Gaius is asleep on the table. He hears the door open and starts to lift his head. The man grabs a rock off a table as he passes. [SCENE_BREAK] Tavern Arthur shakes his cup of dice. Arthur: Twelve. Merlin fakes a cough. Arthur rolls a four. Merlin grimaces and rubs his throat. Merlin and Tavern people: Ohh.... Arthur: You put me off. Merlin: What are you talking about? Arthur: You just coughed. Percival glances between them. The tavern people laugh. Merlin: (He points to his throat.) I was clearing my throat. Arthur: You just coughed, deliberately. Merlin closes his eyes and shakes his head. Merlin: Argh, I knew you'd discover my secret in the end. There is just no fooling you, my lord. Right. The tavern people laugh. Arthur just stands there not showing any emotion. Merlin picks up his coins stack by stack and places them on the plate. He takes the last one that is on the table and tosses it with the others. Arthur: It's like that, is it? Merlin nods his head. Arthur sweeps his coins into his hand and drops them onto the plate. Merlin and Arthur stare at each other. Arthur doesn't look away. Merlin shakes the dice, brings the cup to his mouth, and blows on the dice. His eyes glow. He throws the dice on the table. Merlin: *** Wearp! Twelve! The people cheer. Arthur looks down at the dice. Merlin: Whoo-hoo! Merlin puts the coins in a bag. Arthur is at a loss. His look doesn't really give anything away. [SCENE_BREAK] Physician's chambers Merlin quietly opens the door and enters. Merlin goes over to look at something and trips over a stool falling to the floor. He grimaces and gets up. Gaius is laying the floor, with a cut over his right eye. Merlin enters his chambers, steps on a chest, lies down on the bed, places the money pouch on the bed side table and lets his arm hang off the side. The box is under his bed, lid is off. There's a hissing noise and the creature slithers out. Merlin hears the hissing and sits up. He looks around the room, looks toward the door and the creature jumps at him, knocking him down. Merlin grabs it and falls to the floor. He manages to pull it off his face and throws it against the wall. Merlin struggles to breathe. The creature starts to move toward him and he backs up against a barrel. Just as it leaps again Gaius comes in with a shovel and kills it. Gaius goes to Merlin. Gaius: Merlin. Merlin. Merlin is still struggling with breaths. He looks up at Gaius. Merlin: Gaius. Your head... (He points to the cut.) You...You should get that seen to. (He passes out). Merlin is on bed. Gaius is wiping his forehead with a cloth. Merlin comes around. Gaius: Merlin. Merlin: What happened? What was that thing? Gaius: Morgana's work, that's for sure. Mordred would told her of your powers by now, Merlin. It was only a matter of time before she struck out. We can only be grateful that she failed. Gaius gets up. Merlin realises his throat is dry. He turns and looks at the cup sitting on the bed side table. He reaches his arm out. Merlin: ***Strangath. Nothing happens. He lifts his head up and tries again. Merlin: ***Strangath. (Nothing happens. He tries again.) ***Strangath. Merlin: Gaius! (Gaius comes back over and sits in the chair by the bed.) I don't think she failed. Gaius: Whatever do you mean? Merlin: I've lost my magic. The box that housed the creature is sitting on the table. Gaius is flipping through a book. Merlin is gazing out the window. Gaius: Look. Here. Merlin comes over to him to see what he has found. Gaius: It is the sign of the gean canach. Merlin: Gean canach. That...that's the language of the Old Religion, isn't it? Gaius: Indeed. (Merlin crouches down next to Gaius.) "The gean canach is a fearsome creature, forged by the tears of the Earth Mother Nemaine. It devours the magic of others, draining them of their powers." Merlin: I thought all such creatures were destroyed in the Great Purge. Gaius: All but one, it would seem. [SCENE_BREAK] Garrison The Saxons attack. Morgana is watching from a distance. Mordred walks up. Mordred: The garrison is surrounded, my lady. Morgana: Good. Are you ready? Mordred: I'm ready. Morgana holds out her hand, Mordred takes it. They lower their heads and start to chant. Morgana and Mordred: ***Thurh minum gewealde ond thinum maegen geclippath we thone lieg the ealla awestath. They lift their heads and their eyes glow. A fire ball shoots toward the garrison. It crashes into a cart. People jump to the ground and roll out of the way. Gwaine and other knights come out a tunnelling fighting. A blonde woman runs and gets caught by a Saxon. Saxon: Come here, pretty one. Eira: Help! Help! Gwaine comes to the rescue. He grabs the soldier and places his sword at his throat. Gwaine: Let her go. She's not your enemy. I am. The man elbows Gwaine, knocking him to the ground. Before he can do anymore danger the woman hits him on the head with a piece of wood. As he falls forward Gwaine jumps up and stabs him. He goes to the woman, grabs the wood from her hand and drops it. He puts an arm around her shoulders and leads her away. Leon and others fight under a walkway. Leon: We cannot hold them! Sound the retreat! Send word to Camelot! They retreat with the Saxons running after them. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace, entrance/corridor The knights return to Camelot. Gaius walks down the corridor tending to hurt people. He stops at a knight that is holding his head. Merlin stands at the end of corridor watching everything that is going on to and knows there is nothing he can do. Gaius walks toward him. Gaius: The garrison at Stawell was attacked. Merlin: Morgana? Gaius: It would seem so. It cannot be a consequence. She has picked the moment you are most helpless to begin her attack. Merlin: What am I going to do? Gaius: Well for the moment you are going to help me treat the wounded. (He grabs Merlin's arm and leads him forward.) Your skill as a physician is still valid. Merlin is treating Eira wound on her leg. Gwaine looks on. Merlin: Sorry. Almost done. He grabs a knife to cut the extra length of the bandage. Eira looks up at Gwaine. Gwaine: Don't worry. Merlin knows what he's doing. Merlin gets up. Eira adjusts her skirt. Eira: Do you have news from Stawell? Have you heard from my family? Gwaine glances at Merlin before answering. Gwaine: Eira, your family...the people of your town...you're the only one who survived the attack. Eira: I...alone... Merlin watches. Gwaine kneels down next to her and places a hand over hers. Gwaine: I'm sorry. Eira, whatever happens... you'll be safe here in Camelot. You have my word. Eira: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace, Throne Hall Arthur, Gwen and the knights sit at the Round Table. Merlin stands in the background. Leon: A force of Saxons, sire. They crossed the northern border last night and attacked the garrison at Stawell. Arthur: They march under Morgana's command? Gwaine: There can be no doubt about it, sire. It was not just men we faced, but sorcery. Arthur: We shouldn't be surprised. She's been massing an army for weeks. Now with Stawell taken, she has a base at our northern border, which can only mean one thing. Gwen: She means to take Camelot. Percival: Then she's already made her first mistake. Leon: We have sufficient time to prepare our defences, sire. We can make our stand here. However great her army the walls of Camelot will hold. The citadel will not fall. Arthur: Perhaps. Perhaps not. But we've already deserted Stawell. I won't forsake the people of this land while we take refuge here. Percival: But we can protect them, sire, in Camelot itself. Arthur: Some but not all. Countless, men, women and children will be left behind. People who I've vowed to protect. Gwen: We cannot save everyone, Arthur. No matter how much we may wish it. Arthur: There is a way. One way alone. We ensure that she never makes it this far. Percival: We...ride out and meet them? Arthur: Man to man. Leon: But, sire, Morgana commands an army of thousands. Arthur: Nonetheless, it's our duty as protectors of this land. We cannot stand by, and let our citizens be slaughtered. Those are not the values that Camelot was built on. Whatever the outcome of this battle, my sister cannot and will not desecrate those values. A war has begun. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest (night) Aithusa breathes fire on a sword. Morgana: Your blade, Mordred. (She holds it out to him.) Forged in a dragon's breath. Nothing can survive its touch. A weapon worthy of my proudest warrior. Mordred takes the blade and holds it up in front of him. Mordred: Then I shall wield it in victory, and with honour. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace - Council Chambers Arthur and some knights look over a map. Merlin stands in the background. Arthur: To reach Camelot, Morgana will have no choice but to cross the White Mountains. (He sets a smaller map down and unrolls it.) Now, the only pass that gives passage to an army that size, is here. (He points to a place.) Percival: I know it well. The path is bounded by cliffs on either side. Arthur: That's where we meet them. Now we may be outnumbered but if don't let them outflank us then we can hold the pass. Leon: How long? Morgana has no care for the lives of her men. Arthur: She can't supply for an army that size indefinitely. Not isolated by the mountains. If we can hold out long enough she'll be forced to retreat. Percival, at what point is the pass at its narrowest. Percival: Here, sire. Arthur: What do they call this place? Percival: Camlann, sire. Arthur: Then it is at Camlann, that we make our stand. [SCENE_BREAK] Physician's chambers Merlin: I hoped to never hear that name again. Gaius: You cannot go, Merlin. You will have to persuade him. Merlin: I know Arthur better than I know myself. He'll mot listen. Gaius: If Arthur goes to Camlann, the prophecy will come true and he will die. Merlin: This battle is the only way he knows how to save his people. If he's going to lose his life, he'll still go. Gaius: Then what are we to do? Merlin: If I can't prevent him from going then I must protect him as best as I can. Gaius: But you can't protect him without your magic. Merlin: Then I must regain my magic. Gaius: I can't restore it. It's beyond my power. Merlin: I know. Perhaps it's beyond anyone's power. If there's an answer, I must seek it elsewhere. Gaius: But where? Merlin: The birthplace of magic itself, the crystal cave. Gaius: But the Valley of The Fallen Kings is crawling with bandits. Without your powers you won't stand a chance. Merlin: Which is why I won't be going alone. [SCENE_BREAK] Gwaine's chambers Gwaine is getting ready to leave. Eira: I thought you weren't going till the sundown. Gwaine: There's something I have to do first. A favour for my friend Merlin. Eira: Where you going? Gwaine: The Valley of the Fallen Kings. Eira: Why? Gwaine: Don't worry. I won't be long. [SCENE_BREAK] Royal chambers Arthur's armour is laid out on the table. Merlin: I think that you'll find that's everything, sire. Arthur: Impressive. Very impressive. Never seen work like it. Not from you anyway. Merlin: Thank you, sire. Arthur: So, where are you after? Merlin: After? Arthur: Come on, Merlin. You're the worst servant in the history of the world. Now suddenly this. Is it money? Merlin: No. Arthur: No, it can't be that. You already won all of mine. Time off? Merlin: Arthur... Arthur: No. It can't be that either. You don't really do anything. Merlin: I just wanted to make sure you had all you needed for your journey to Camlann. For the days ahead. Arthur: Thank you, Merlin. What do you mean, my journey? Merlin: I'm afraid I won't be coming with you. Not this time. I'm sorry. I have an urgent errand to run for Gaius. Vital supplies that I can't obtain here. Arthur: Vital supplies... Merlin: Yes. It's not that I... Arthur: No, no. It's fine... It's fine. I understand. Merlin: Arthur... Arthur: You know, Merlin, all those jokes about you being a coward...I never really meant any of them...I always thought you were the bravest man I ever met... Guess I was wrong. [SCENE_BREAK] Kings Palace, Main Square Merlin and Gwaine ride out. Eira watches from a window. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Merlin and Gwaine journey to The Valley of The Fallen Kings. [SCENE_BREAK] Kings Palace, Main Square Arthur and the knights get ready. Gwen comes up. Gwen: Arthur! Arthur: Guinevere. What are you doing? Gwen: I'm coming with you. Arthur: The battlefield is no place for a queen. Gwen: I have no intention of joining you there. I can assure you. Arthur, if these are to be your last days, I would far rather spend them together then sit waiting for a man that I might never see again. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest A woman rides out. It's Eira. She dismounts and walks to a spot. A sword come to her throat, Mordred steps out behind her. Morgana: Gently, Mordred. She can't speak with her throat cut out now, can she? Morgana walks up and stands beside Mordred. Mordred puts the sword away. Morgana: Well, Eira, I trust Sir Gwaine has found your company to his satisfaction. Eira: I like to think so. Morgana: Has he been forthcoming about Arthur's plans? Eira: He's kept no secrets from me. Morgana: Well? Does the king intend to ride out and meet us? Eira: He does, my lady. The king and his men depart from Camelot as we speak. Morgana: Then it is as we have anticipated. Thank you, Eira. You've been most informative. Morgana hands her a pouch with gold and she starts to leave. She remembers something and turns back. Eira: Something else. The knight said he was taking Merlin somewhere. The Valley of The Fallen Kings, I think. She leaves. Morgana: Merlin? Why would Merlin leave Arthur now? Mordred: Why shouldn't he? He's of no further use to his king after all. Morgana: Perhaps... Why the Valley of The Fallen Kings? (Mordred lowers his head. She turns toward Mordred.) What is it Mordred? Mordred: When I was a boy the Druids told me of this special place. A place where magic itself was born. It was said to lie within the valley... They called it the crystal cave. Morgana: This can mean only one thing, Emrys means to get his powers back. [SCENE_BREAK] The Valley of the Fallen Kings Merlin and Gwaine walk through the valley. Gwaine: Thanks for everything that you did for Eira. Merlin: There's no need to thank me, it was the least I could do. You seem to care for her. Gwaine: I could hardly leave her to the Saxons now could I? Merlin: That was your only reason for rescuing her? Gwaine: Of course! A twig snaps and bandits come running at them. Gwaine turns to fight them. He stops the blow of one and pushes him to the ground. He punches the other one and knocks him to the ground as the first one gets up. He goes after Merlin, who falls to the ground. Merlin: Gwaine! Gwaine stabs him in the back, pulls the sword out and without looking stabs the other guy who has gotten up and is standing behind him. Gwaine: You okay? He offers Merlin a hand up. Merlin: Yeah. I think so. Thank you. Gwaine: There's no need to thank me Merlin. It was the least I could do. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Morgana rides toward the crystal cave. [SCENE_BREAK] The Valley of the Fallen Kings Merlin and Gwaine come to an entrance of the crystal cave. Merlin: I can make my own way from here. Gwaine: Sorry? Merlin: You needn't come any further. I'll be fine. Gwaine: How will you get back to Camelot? There are bandits everywhere. Merlin: Once I have what I'm looking for I'll be perfectly safe, I promise you. Gwaine: What are you looking for? Merlin: I can't tell you that, Gwaine. (Merlin turns to look at Gwaine.) You'll just have to trust me. You should get going, Arthur will need you by his side. Gwaine: Look after yourself Merlin. (He holds his sword out, hilt first, to Merlin. Merlin reaches to take it.) You know when to use the sharp end, right? Merlin: Yeah. They grasp arms. Gwaine: I hope you find what you're looking for. [SCENE_BREAK] The Crystal Cave Merlin crawls through a tight space with a torch, until he can get to the tunnel. The flame goes out and he stops. Morgana: Emrys. (Morgana is nowhere to be seen though.) Over here, Emrys. Merlin pulls the sword from his belt and walks forward. Merlin: I see you, Morgana. Morgana: How well you've kept your secret. (Morgana moves behind and he turns but she's no longer there.) How well you've protected my brother. Merlin: Face me, Morgana! Morgana's voice sounds like it's coming from different directions. Merlin keeps on turning to where her voice sounds like it's coming from. Morgana: Who would have thought it? A worthless servant with all that power. Merlin: Face me! Morgana: But you cannot help your king now. You cannot even help yourself. Merlin: Then why do you hide? Are you still afraid of me? He turns back the way he came. Morgana comes through the doorway behind him. Morgana: I fear no one. Least of all you. Merlin swings the sword around and cuts her arm. He holds the sword up to her. She chuckles. Morgana: You have defied me for the last time, Emrys. She starts to back up, Merlin walks toward her. Once through the doorway she causes rocks to fall to block his way. Morgana: ***Stanas ahreosath! [SCENE_BREAK] Passageway Morgana's army marches through a pass. Leon and Percival watch from behind a rock. Leon: Send word to the king. The enemy will reach Camlann by sundown tomorrow and we underestimated their forces. They outnumber us five to one. [SCENE_BREAK] The Crystal Cave Merlin is sitting on the floor leaning against the rocks that are blocking the doorway. He gets up and tries to move a rock but it's stuck fast. He reaches higher up and pulls some small rocks away. He tries frantically to pull the rocks down but nothing happens. He slides to the ground, and starts to sob. Merlin: (He hits the rock.) Aaahhh!!! [SCENE_BREAK] Forest The knights make camp. Gwen and Gaius sit next to a fire with Arthur near them. Gaius is mixing something together. Arthur: Vital supplies. Gaius looks up from what he is doing. Gaius: Excuse me, sire? Arthur: It's a shame Merlin didn't feel able to join us. Gaius: I'm sorry Sire for I must take the blame. Gwen looks at Gaius. Gaius: But I cannot treat the wounded without sufficient medicine. The timing is unfortunate, I grant you. Arthur: Yes. Unfortunate as you say. Arthur walks away. Gaius watches him leave. Gwen: I'm not sure he believes you, Gaius. (He turns back to face Gwen.) I'm not sure I do either. I know how devoted Merlin is to Arthur. He would never leave him at a time like this. Not for a mere errand. Not unless there was something else. Something he doesn't feel able to talk about it. Gaius: My lady, there is something else. Something of the very greatest importance. And I very dearly wish I could tell you what it is, but I cannot. For reasons that affects us all. Gwen: Then there is nothing more to be said, except whatever it is, I wish him luck. [SCENE_BREAK] The Crystal Cave Merlin is still leaning against the rock. He looks up and sees a light shining through a tunnel. He gets up and starts climbing toward it. He makes it to the top and walks in and then faints. [SCENE_BREAK] Camlann The knights make it to Camlann. Arthur and a group of knights go up a short passageway. He holds his hand to halt everyone. They look at the dead end area before them. Arthur: This is it. Camlann. The fate of the kingdom will be decided here. Make camp, take up positions. Leon: It's a death trap, sire. Arthur: That's the idea. Leon: Morgana will have no means of escape. But neither will we. Arthur: They'd always outflank us. This is our only chance. (He looks at Leon.) It ends here, Leon. Be it life or death, it ends here. [SCENE_BREAK] The Crystal Cave Merlin is still passed out on the floor of the cave. Crystals surround him. A man's voice: Merlin... Merlin opens his eyes Merlin: Father? He turns his head the other way and Balinor's ghost is standing in front of him. Balinor: My son. Merlin: Are you here? Are you real? Balinor: Dead or alive, real or imagined, past or present. These things are of no consequence. All that matters is that you heed the words of your father who loves you. Do not let go, Merlin, do not give in. Merlin: I have no reason to go on. The battle is already over. Morgana has won. Balinor: Only if you accept defeat. But if you fight, if you let hope into your heart, Morgana cannot be victorious. Merlin: What hope is there without my magic? Balinor kneels down next to Merlin. Balinor: Merlin, you are more than a son of you father. You are son of the earth, the sea, the sky, magic is the fabric of this world, and you were born of that magic. You are magic itself. You cannot lose what you are. Merlin: But how do I find myself again? Balinor: Believe, Merlin. Believe what your heart knows to be true. That you have always been, and always will be... Merlin: Always will be... Balinor: Rest now. Rest my son. And soon you shall awaken into the light. Merlin falls asleep. [SCENE_BREAK] Wetland Morgana's army marches forward through a wetland with Mordred at the head, on a horse. [SCENE_BREAK] Camlann - King's tent The knights have set camp. Arthur is in his tent sitting at a table, thinking. Gwen steps in front of him. He looks up at her. She puts her hands around a pole and leans her head against it. She can tell something is troubling him. Gwen: What is it? Arthur: What if Sir Leon was right? Perhaps we should have made our stand at Camelot. Gwen: Your plan is brave and bold. And our only chance of defeating Morgana once and for all. Yes, we could have held out in the citadel, but for how long, and at what cost to the kingdom? I have never for a moment doubted the valour and the wisdom of this choice. Arthur: If you do not doubt me, Guinevere, then I do not doubt myself. That gives me strength greater than any weapon. (They hug.) Gwen: Come, we must rest while we can. [SCENE_BREAK] Rocky landscape Morgana looks out over her camp. Mordred walks up to her. Morgana: Have the outriders returned? Mordred: Arthur has made camp at Camlann. Morgana: And the path? Did you find it? Mordred nods. Mordred: It was well concealed. Morgana: If Arthur imagines we can't outflank, he's in for an unpleasant surprise. Send a hundred warriors. Good ones. Mordred: I'll choose them myself. Morgana: And prepare the army, we attack tonight. Mordred nods and leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] The Crystal Cave Merlin is fully healed of the cuts that were on his face. He opens his eyes, sits up and touches his face. Rubbing a place where there was a cut and sees that there is no blood on his hand when he pulls his hand away. He slowly gets into a crouching position while looking around him. Merlin cups his hands together. Merlin: ***Gewyrc an lif! Merlin's eyes glow. There is small fluttering noise. He opens his hands and a blue butterfly flies away. He watches it with a smile on his face. He stands up and finds a crystal. Merlin puts his hand out and imagines start to flash through the crystal. Some are from previous episodes. He sees Excalibur coming out of the lake, Mordred leading the Saxons through the wetland, the red of an old dress of Morgana's, him receiving a spell from the dragon, the Saxons marching along a path to attack. He flashes through several more to find Arthur. Merlin: Arthur where are you? Merlin sees the camp at Camlann and Arthur and Gwen sleeping. Merlin: Arthur. Arthur, I'm sorry I had to leave you. I didn't want to. I hope one day you'll understand why. Your plan is a good one and you may yet save this kingdom, but you must beware. Your army's flank is vulnerable. There's an old path over the ridge of Camlann, and Morgana knows of it. She means to trap you, Arthur. Find the path or the battle will be over before it's begun. Find the path! [SCENE_BREAK] Camlann - King's tent and camp Arthur opens his eyes and leans up, waking Gwen as well. He has a confused look on his face. Gwen: What's the matter? Arthur: Merlin... Gwen: It was a dream Arthur. Just a dream. Arthur: It didn't feel like a dream. It felt... He throws the covers back and gets up.) Gwen: Arthur! Arthur bursts out of the tent. Leon: Sire, the scouts report that Morgana's army is on the move. Arthur: She'll attack before the night is done. Tell our men to prepare. Leon: Yes, Sire! Arthur: Percival! Gwaine! (They head toward Arthur.) Take a patrol of men to the rear of us. You're looking for a hidden path running into the mountains. She means to outflank us, we must stop her now. Percival and Gwaine lead a patrol of men up the path. Percival holds his hand up and everyone halts. Arthur is in his armour, standing before his army. Arthur: Tonight...we do battle. Tonight we end this war. We end a war as old as the land itself. A war against tyrany... and greed ... and spite. Not all will greet the dawn, some will live, some will die. But each and every one of you fights with honour, and with pride. For not only do we fight for our lives, we fight for the future. The future of Camelot. The future of Albion. The future of the United Kingdoms. (He lifts Excalibur into the air.) For the love of Camelot! All: For the love of Camelot! [SCENE_BREAK] The Crystal Cave Arthur is shown in the crystal. Merlin straightens up after watching everything that just took place. He turns around and sees his father. Merlin: Thank you. For your help, your guidance. Balinor: I only offered a hand. You stand tall on your own two feet, Merlin, you always have done. Merlin: As did you, father. I follow in your footsteps. Balinor: Your journey has only just begun. You wield a power you yet cannot conceive of. Only in the heart of the crystal cave will your true self be revealed. (They turn toward the centre of cave.) Move towards the light. Your destiny awaits. Do not be afraid. Trust in what you are, trust in what will be. Merlin walks toward the light. He stops and looks back his father. Merlin: Goodbye, father. Balinor: There are no goodbyes, Emrys, for I will always be... as you will always be. Merlin climbs up a step and walks to the light. [SCENE_BREAK] Camlann The armies stand facing each other. The Saxons beat their shields. Morgana stands on a cliff edge watching. Arthur draws his sword and holds it up. Arthur: On me! They charge at the Saxons. The Saxons charge back. The battle begins. The Saxons along the hidden path run at Percival, Gwaine and the others. Percival: On me! They charge at the oncoming Saxons and clash. Arthur cuts downs Saxons. He slashes one, flips one over his back, hits one as he runs past, cuts one down from behind. Ducks an attack and kicks the guy in the chest. Cuts another one down as the guy leaps at him. He runs on. Morgana watches Mordred from above. Mordred cuts down a couple of knights, he keeps looking around for Arthur. [SCENE_BREAK] The Crystal Cave Rocks go flying as a spell breaks through a barricade. Old Merlin steps out, angry.

Morgana succeeds in stripping Merlin of his power. With their greatest enemy now powerless, Morgana and Mordred, with their Saxon army, begin their attack on Camelot by attacking a nearby garrison. Arthur sees Morgana's attack as an act of war and decides to meet her forces at Camlann to prevent her from ever reaching Camelot. Morgana forges a sword for Mordred in Aithusa's breath, confident that nothing can survive its touch. Merlin prepares to journey to the Crystal Cave to get back his powers, however Morgana finds out about his plans through her use of a spy. Morgana and Merlin come face to face in the cave and the High Priestess traps Merlin in the cave forever. At Camlann, Arthur's and Morgana's armies come face to face with one another and the final battle begins. Arthur and his men desperately fight against the Saxons as Morgana watches from a cliff as Mordred ruthlessly kill knights with his new sword. At the crystal cave, with the help of a vision of his father Balinor, Merlin, as Emrys, makes his way out of the cave and straight for Camlann; his moment of destiny to save Arthur and Albion from Morgana has finally come.

fd_FRIENDS_06x07

fd_FRIENDS_06x07_0

With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's new apartment, Rachel and Phoebe are making their answering machine message.] Phoebe: Ready? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: Hi... Phoebe: it's... Rachel: Rachel... Phoebe: and... Rachel: Phoebe's... Phoebe: please... Rachel: leave... Phoebe: leave... Rachel: Wait, I-I just said "leave." Phoebe: Yeah, I know because you have all the good words. What do I get? I get "it's," "and" oh I'm sorry, I have "A." Forget it. Rachel: Phoebe, come on that's silly. Phoebe: All right, so let's switch. Rachel: No, I have all of the good words. OK, fine, fine, we can switch. Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Hi... Rachel: Everybody... Phoebe: It's... Rachel: Rachel... Phoebe: and... Rachel: Phoebe's... Phoebe: Please...wait, how did you do that? Rachel: What? Phoebe: Oh, you're no ordinary roommate are you? Rachel: Phoebe, come on can we finish this later? Cause I wanna go running before it gets dark. Oh! Why don't you come with me?! Phoebe: Really? Rachel: Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll run in the park. It'll be like our first y'know roommate bonding thing. Phoebe: Okay, let's go running! Rachel: Yeah and there's really cute guys there. Phoebe: Let's run towards them! Rachel: OK! Phoebe: All right, wait just one more second. Hi, it's Phoebe and Rachel's. Please leave a message, thanks! Rachel: Now wait a minute. You just took all the words! Phoebe: Uh-huh. You've met your match Rachel Green. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's new apartment, Ross and Chandler are there.] Ross: So, I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and-and-and live forever as a machine. Chandler: (not amused) And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open. [Monica enters] Monica: Hey! Ross and Chandler: Hey! Monica: (jumps over a box) Honey, that's a great idea nailing the boxes to the floor! Chandler: I didn't nail the boxes to the floor. Monica: Oh, So you can move them! Chandler: Yes, and while I'm doing that, Ross has a great computer story for you. [Joey enters with his new roommate who is played by none other than Elle MacPherson.] Joey: Hey everybody! Uh, I'd like you to meet Janine. She's-she's gonna be my new roommate! Janine: Hi. Ross: Hi! (Rushes over to shake her hand instantly.) Janine: Hi Joey: Yeah, she's gonna live with me! Monica: It's nice to meet you. Janine...? Janine: Lecroix. Janine Lecroix Joey: I didn't know that! Well, what a pretty last name! Chandler: So, uh, wh-where ya from? Janine: Australia, I just moved here a couple of weeks ago. Joey: (shocked) From the land down under? I didn't know that either! Ross: So uh, wha-uh, what do you do? Janine: I'm a dancer. Joey: You're a dancer? She-she's a dancer! Janine: Well, I think I'll go and unpack. Joey: Oh, hey let me. (Opens the door for Janine and after he closes the door behind her gasps ecstatically.) Monica: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in? Joey: Of course I did. Monica: Uh-huh, what exactly did you ask her? Joey: "When can you move in?" Ross: Thank you for bringing her into our lives. Chandler: Unbelievable Monica: Oh, so you like her too Chandler? Chandler: Hey, look at all the boxes! Joey: Ugh, I cannot wait to ask her out! Monica: Wait a minute...Joey. Joey you can't ask her out, she's your roommate. It-it'll be way too complicated. Ross: Yeah, yeah man don't do it. I mean if you date her, then-then-then I can't date her. Chandler: All right, think about it. Now remember when you were going out with that girl Donna and you guys broke up. Remember how horrible it was when you guys bumped into each other at the supermarket? Joey: Oh God, yeah. Chandler: Now imagine you live at the supermarket. Joey: (happily) Okay! Chandler: No-no Joey: Oh, Oh, you're right! I don't want that. I can't date her! Monica: Yeah and you better watch the flirting too, cause you know, in such close quarters, it could be trouble. Joey: Well, that's gonna be tough Mon. I mean it's hard for me to be around an attractive woman and not flirt. Monica: (chuckles) Hmm, well you're around me all the time and you don't flirt. Joey: You a little sad about that sweetheart? [Scene, The Park: Phoebe and Rachel are getting ready to go running] Phoebe: I have to tie my shoe, so you go ahead, I'll catch up. Rachel: Okay. (Runs off.) Phoebe: Okay. (Starts running crazily with her arms flapping and her legs far apart) Come on! That's not running! Let's go! (Rachel pauses, then follows, embarrassed.) [Scene, Central Perk: Rachel, Ross and Monica are there] Rachel: You guys, I'm telling you, when she runs, she looks like a cross between Kermit The Frog and The Six Million Dollar Man. Ross: Monica had such a crush on him. Yeah, she used to kiss his poster every night before she went to bed. Rachel: Oh! I used to do that too! Monica: Did you also have his album, It's Not Easy Being Green? Rachel: Aw, Mon...(Kisses her on the cheek) Monica: So, Phoebe runs weird huh? Rachel: Yeah, yeah and you know what, I know she's gonna wanna run again, I just don't know how to get out of it, I mean, I live with her. Monica: Why don't you just be straight with her? Tell her the truth. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: You're right, you're right. I should just tell her the truth. [Phoebe enters] Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Pheebs, Monica tripped me, I don't think I can ever run again, ever! Phoebe: Why? Why would you do that? Monica: I don't know. Rachel I'm-I'm sorry that I hurt your ankles. Rachel: Ankle. Monica: We'll see. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's new apartment, Chandler is putting something away under the sink.] Chandler: OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks for helping me man. (Turns around and sees that Joey isn't there.) Joe? (Hears giggling coming from a box) Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh and look, there's still one box that I have to unpack. (Hears the giggling again) Joey: (jumps out of the box) I Gotcha!! Chandler: (pretending) Oh my God! You-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack. Joey: Boy, it was so hard not to laugh, I tell ya. Hey, hey, the place looks great! Chandler: Yeah, not bad right? You know what, Monica's gonna be working late, so I'm gonna make this place spotless. You know what else I'm gonna do, know what else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna get her some flowers. Now who wouldn't wanna live with me? Joey: (raises his hand) I don't! No, I wanna live with the super-hot Australian dancer. Chandler: Yeah, now how's that going though? Are you okay with the not-flirting thing? Joey: Yeah. Well, so far yeah. But it's tough you know? I got all this built up flirting energy and I don't know how to get rid of it. (Gives Chandler the "Joey-love," look.) How you doin? [Scene Joey and Janine's new apartment, Janine is there. Joey walks in to see Janine bent over, stretching.] Joey: (voice cracking) Ohhhh man Janine: Sorry, there's just more room out here. Joey: No-no-no-no-no, it's-it's uh, you just uh, uh reminded me that uh, I need to do my stretches too. (Starts to stretch, groans painfully) Janine: (touches his waist) Why don't you try to do- Joey: (jumps up and yells) Janine: What's wrong? Joey: Uh-uh nothing. I-I-I-I didn't want you to touch me cause I'm -I'm all sweaty from the workout. I better hit the shower. (Goes into the bathroom and comes back out quickly) Oh my God! Janine: Oh, sorry about that stuff hanging in there. It's just my thongs are too delicate for the dryer. (Joey laughs nervously and goes to his bedroom.) [Scene, The Park, Rachel is running and Phoebe is hiding behind a tree.] Phoebe: (jumps in front of Rachel) Hi! Oh yeah, uh-huh, it's me. I saw you grab your running shoes this morning and sneak out. You lied so you could run by yourself. Rachel: No, no Phoebe no, I was...no. You know what, I was, I was actually just checking to, see, if I could run. And I can! Phoebe: Please Rachel, I am not an idiot. (Runs off) Rachel: No, wait Phoebe. [Scene, Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is there. Everything is out of its place and Chandler's cleaning.] Ross: (enters) Wow, couples who live together do start to look alike. So, Mondler...uh, what uh, what 'cha doin? Chandler: What does it look like I'm doing? I am cleaning! Ross: Did you get Monica's authorization to move all of her stuff? Chandler: Authorization? I don't need that. I'm gonna put everything back. Ross: Put it back exactly where you found it? Chandler: Yes I'm gonna put it back (Mocking Ross) exactly where I found it. Ross: 'Kay, first of all, this attitude is not helping. Chandler: She's not gonna care if I put her stuff back in the same stupid place. Ross: Whoa, hello, did you just meet Monica? Chandler: She is gonna recognize that I did a nice thing and-and, appreciate it. Ross: Hmm -you know, actually this'll work out well. Cause when you have to move back in with Joey, Joey's hot new roommate can come and live with me. Chandler: I see, I see, y-y-you're trying to freak me out. Ross: Look Chandler, Monica is really weird about this kind stuff all right. Believe me, I lived with her for 16 years. She is going to freak...out. Oh my God, she's going to sit on you. Chandler: No, she's not okay? And I'll prove it to you. I'm gonna call her right now. (Picks up the phone and wipes it off) Phone's done ehh. Monica: (on phone) Hi! Chandler: Hey Mon, how's it going? Monica: Terrible. If-if I want something done right, I have to do it myself. Other people just wreck stuff. I really think I might kill someone tonight. Chandler: Oh come on, come on, it can't be that bad. Monica: It's worse. The only thing that's getting me through is knowing that I'm gonna be seeing you soon. I think I may even try to get out of here early. Chandler: No! No-no-no-no-no-no. It sounds like they really need you down there. Monica: Well, are you just hanging out with Ross? Chandler: It's, all good! Okay bye-bye Mon! (To Ross) She's-she's gonna kill me. Ross: Yeah, the phone was facing the other way. (Chandler fixes it and a picture frame off the table.) And that goes back up there. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, continued from earlier.] Chandler: We should start with the big stuff. Y'know? That'll be the easiest. Uh, let's start with the couch. (He picks up one end and Ross doesn't help) I got it. (He moves it back to where he thinks it goes.) Ross: Yeah that-that, doesn't look right. Chandler: What are you talking about? The couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. And then I can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on the...(Tries to rest his feet on the coffee table but they won't reach) OK, OK, here's what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table. Ross: Whoa, whoa, but then the back of the couch won't line up with he back of the carpet. Chandler: OK well here, we'll just move the coffee table closer to the couch. Ross: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, but then the coffee table won't be centered in the seating area. Chandler: Yes, but the coffee table doesn't match the...blahebdmsdlkhdyslkd;btyds...Rooosss!!!! Joey: (entering) Look, what am I gonna do? I'm not flirting but still, I'm drawing her to me like - like a moth to a flame! (Tries to put his feet on the coffee table...they won't reach and looks around.) What the hell's going on over here?!?!? (Points to Chandler) Monica's gonna kill you! Look I need your help, I have to do something to-to repel this woman! Wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys repel women all the time. Ross: Hey, I've been married 3 times (Chandler gives him a round of mock applause.) Joey: No-no-no I've seen it happen, you-you get a rapport going with a woman but somehow you manage to kill it. What's your secret? Ross: Look, we do not repel women OK? That is completely untrue. Chandler: Oh no, yes we do my man. Remember when we were back in college and we went to that spring dance and you walked right up to that girl you liked and you could not stop talking about the Irish potato famine? Ross: Yeah, well what about you? You weren't you know, so hot in college either. After everything he said, he'd go "ba dum bum chessh" Chandler: Yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, Maybe I should stop doing that. Ross: Oh y'know what, girls don't like it when I start talking about science. Chandler: That's not specific to girls. Joey: This is great, this is great, what else, what else? Ross: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar. Chandler: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny. Ross: They don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you. Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica. Ross: (nonchalantly) I'm never gonna find love again. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Phoebe enters.] Rachel: Hey Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second? Phoebe: Sure Rachel: Okay, um, I...(Phoebe walks into her room.) All right Phoebe look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. OK? I handled the situation horribly and I should not have lied to you. Phoebe: So, what should you have done? Rachel: Well, I-I should've told you the truth. Phoebe: Uh-Huh, Which is...? Rachel: Well, y'know, the reason I didn't wanna go running with you is because um, well y'know the way that you run is a little...(Starts flapping her arms) Phoebe: So? Rachel: Well, it's embarrassing. People were looking at us like we were crazy. Phoebe: Why do you care? Rachel: Because they're people. Phoebe: But people that you don't know and will never see again. Rachel: Yes, but still. They're people...with eyes. Phoebe: Well, I didn't get embarrassed running next to Miss (panting). But no, okay. No, no, I can see why running with me would be embarrassing to you. Yeah, okay. You're uptight. Rachel: I-I am not uptight-Hey-hey-hey-oh-oh! Listen, I am not uptight, man. Phoebe: That's okay Rachel. I'm not judging you; that's just who you are. Me. I'm more free y'know? I run like I did when I was a kid, cause that's the only way it's fun. Y'know, I mean didn't you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? Y'know, like when you were like running towards the swings or running away from Satan? (Rachel looks confused) The neighbor's dog. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has the tape measure out and is busy lining up the lamp on the kitchen counter, Ross is supervising the whole operation.] Chandler: Okay, is this lamp in the same place? Ross: Who cares? I repel women. [Monica tries to come in] Chandler: (blocks the door) No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!!! You can't come in here! R-r-r-r-Ross is naked. Monica: What?! Ross: (whispers) What?! Chandler: (to Ross) I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed too see me naked. Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked? Monica: Why is Ross naked? Ross: I-I had to show Chandler something? Monica: Naked? Ross: Yeah-yeah I uh, I have a uh, a guy problem. Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had? Chandler: Look, uh, just come later, we'll get everything squared away and you can come back later. Monica: Okay, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine under the sink in the bathroom. Bye! Chandler: Bye! Thank God Ross: Dude, what'd you have? Chandler: Look, we have no time okay? We must focus. We gotta get everything back into its original place. Ross: (realizes something) The photo album! There were millions of pictures of the apartment in the photo album. We just go through it and match everything to the pictures. Chandler: That's perfect! That's brilliant! (Starts going through the photo album) Ross: So really, what'd ya have? [Scene: Joey and Janine's, Janine's there. Joey enters] Janine: Hey Joey, I got some beer for you. Joey: Uh, don't you mean "for whom?" Janine: Sure, listen I was gonna order some pizza, you wanna share one? Joey: Pizza, heh, its not like I never had that before...ba dum bum cheshhh. Janine: Is there something wrong? Joey: All right, All right, let's just get this out in the open okay? You're hot. I'm lovable. Clearly there's a vibe going on between us. But, we're roommates and it's a huge mistake for us to continue down this road. Janine: Joey... Joey: No, no, no, I'm telling ya. Imagine yourself living in a supermarket and you will understand okay? So the question is, what do we do? Janine: Well, I don't think there is anything to do. I mean I think you're really sweet, but I'm just not interested in you like that. Joey: Oh! Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you. Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on. Janine: I don't think so. Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doin? Janine: I'm OK Joey: What?!?! Janine: What? Joey: Oh dear God! [Scene: The park, Rachel's running by herself and panting. After a little while she decides to run like Phoebe.] Rachel: (Runs into Phoebe.) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Oh honey, I'm so sorry, you were right, this feels great! Phoebe: See? And you don't care if people are staring, it's just for a second cause then you're gone! Rachel: Gone! I mean its amazing Pheebs. I feel so free and so graceful. (Turns and bumps into a mounted policeman and falls) Hey! Look out for the horse! Sorry! (Runs off.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Ross are there. Monica enters] Monica: Is it okay for me to come in now? Chandler: Uh-huh Monica: Why is everything different? Ross: Bye! (Runs out) Chandler: No, I don't see anything different other than the fact that the room got so much brighter when you came into it. (Forced laughter) Monica: Well, the end table is wrong, The couch looks bizarre and don't even get me started on the refrigerator magnets. Chandler: Okay look, don't...don't be mad okay? But after I unpacked the boxes I wanted to do something nice for you, so, I-I-I cleaned the apartment. So I moved everything around and then I forgot where it, where it went back and I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Monica: It's okay. Chandler, are you afraid of me or something? Chandler: Do you want me to be afraid of you? Monica: Of course not. I mean gosh, Chandler what you did, it's, it's a wonderful thing and I really appreciate it. I know I have this weird thing where I want everything to be in the perfect place, but I'd never expect you to worry about that. Chandler: Really? Monica: Of course! Chandler: Oh well you're the best. You come here to me. Monica: All right, hold on okay? First thing's first. (Gets her cleaning gloves on) Okay, now did Ross sit anywhere while he was naked? Closing Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Janine and Chandler are there] Ross: So it said that by the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same number of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically we could download our thoughts and our memories into this computer... Janine: ...and live forever as a machine! Ross: That's so Janine, you-you-you know what, do you know we're doing right now? You and I, we're interfacing. Janine: Yeah, I gotta go. Chandler: Ba dum bumb cheshhh!

Rachel moves in with Phoebe. However, Rachel is embarrassed by Phoebe's odd running style and attempts to avoid her during their morning jogs through Central Park . Joey takes in a new roommate: dancer Janine (played by Elle Macpherson ). Chandler wants to impress Monica by cleaning the apartment but panics when he forgets where everything is supposed to go.

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_04x06

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_04x06_0

Scene: The university cafeteria. Howard: Gagh! Leonard: Problem? Howard: This is the worst cobbler I've ever eaten. I mean it tastes like it was made of actual ground-up shoemaker. Sheldon: Amusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler. Raj: Hey guys, guess who I found at LAX. My baby sister Priya. Sheldon: Excuse me. I object. You propose a guessing game, yet you don't give me enough time to guess. For the record, I was going to say your sister Priya. Priya: Oh, Sheldon. You haven't changed a bit, have you? Sheldon: Why would I change? Leonard: The hope has been that you'd eventually bend to public opinion. So, Priya, what brings you back to LA? Priya: I have a one day layover on my way to Toronto. Corporate merger. Raj: Can you believe it? Little Priya's one of the lead attorneys for the biggest car company in India. Sheldon: Given that when we met her she was finishing law school and planning an internship at a large Indian car company, it's actually extremely plausible. Leonard: And your poll numbers just keep dropping. Priya: I want to catch up with all of you, but first I really must visit the loo. Leonard: I'm going too, I'll show you where it is. Raj: Alright, this goes without saying, but I'm just going to say it anyway. Hands off my sister. Sheldon: Why would I touch her, she's covered with airplane germs. Raj: I'm so not talking to you. I'm talking to him. Howard: Hey, I've got a girlfriend now. Raj: Oh please. My sister's much hotter than your girlfriend and you know it. Howard: Let's just agree they're both hot. Raj: Dude, that's my sister you're talking about. Howard: Okay, forget who's hotter. The first time Priya came to LA, Leonard and I made a pact out of respect to our friendship, and to you, that neither of us would hit on her. Raj: Did you pinky swear? Howard: Yes. Raj: Okay then. Sheldon: Cobbler. I'm still laughing. Scene: A corridor. Priya: It's really nice to see you again Leonard. Leonard: Yeah. It's good to see you too. Here you go. Priya: Thanks. (Grabs him and kisses him.) Leonard: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. (Looks around.) Okay. Credits sequence. Scene: The cafeteria. Howard: So, you got any special plans with your sister? Raj: Oh, not really, just hang out. Sheldon: I always tell people, if you have only one day in Los Angeles, make it a train day. Raj: Train day? Sheldon: The fun starts with brunch at Carney's in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we're off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that's right, the Hollywood Carney's, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car. Raj: I don't think we're going to do that. Sheldon: Well then apparently, you hate fun. Leonard: Hmm, Priya's not back yet? Well, I guess that's not unusual, women, men, the whole sitting, standing deal, so, what are we talking about? Raj: Uh, my plans with Priya. Sheldon: He rejected train day. Leonard: Did you make it clear that it's two different train cars turned into hot dog stands? Sheldon: Abundantly. Leonard: I guess he just hates fun. Sheldon: That's what I said. Priya: Okay, so, what's new with you guys. Howard: I have a girlfriend now. Priya: Hey, good for you. Howard: Yeah, I just wanna put it out there in case I inadvertently squirt any pheromones in your direction. Happy? (Raj nods). Leonard: So, uh, Priya, what are your plans while you're here. Priya: I don't know, I just have the one day. Sheldon: Do you like trains? Priya: Not particularly. Sheldon: You might as well just wait at the airport for your flight. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on his laptop. Sheldon: You are in a forest. There is quicksand to the west, a path leads to the east. Go east. An iron gate blocks your way. Open gate. It's locked. Hmm, well, so much for that. Leonard: It's getting pretty late, how come you're still up? Sheldon: I've found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s. Leonard: That's pretty cool. Sheldon: Oh yes. It runs on the world's most powerful graphics chip, imagination. Leonard: You've really got to get out more. Sheldon: Go north. You can't go that way. Go west. A troll blocks your passage. Okay, fasten your seatbelts, kill troll. With what? With sword. (There is a knock on the door.) You don't have the sword. Good golly, it's as if it's actually happening to me. Priya (at door): Raj finally went to bed. Leonard: Yeah, well, (kissing her) Sheldon's still up. Priya: You said he goes to bed at nine. Leonard: Yeah, he does but he got caught up in a computer game and... Sheldon: Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Oh my, this is one tough troll. Priya: Can't you get rid of him? Leonard: If the past is any indication, no. Sheldon: Leonard, I'm trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down. Leonard: Drop axe. Sheldon: Drop axe. Brilliant. Leonard: Give me a minute. Sheldon, Sheldon: Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon. Leonard: Sheldon, you need to work in the morning. Sheldon: I know. Leonard: Well then, bed mister. Sheldon: Five more minutes. Leonard: Really? You're going to risk getting sleepy in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuations seminar? You know what happens when you yawn in public. Sheldon: Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula. Leonard: You don't want that, do you? Sheldon: No. But it's a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door? Leonard: Oh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two. Sheldon: That's unacceptable. We're supposed to be given written notice. Leonard: No, no, it doesn't matter, we'll be at work. Sheldon: Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there's no water for an enzyme soak. Leonard: Bifurcated uvula, Sheldon! Sheldon: I'll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight. Leonard (to Priya): We're going to have to be very quiet. Sheldon: I know how to get the bucket! I can turn the axe around and use the handle to reach it. Let's see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Oh dear, I believe I'm lost. Well, I'll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow. Leonard: No, no, no, no, no. You just need, you just need, you just need to map it out. Come on, I'll help you. So, uh, you stopped at the stream and you turned north three times? Sheldon: Yes. Leonard: You're right, you're lost, good luck. Scene: Leonard's bedroom. Morning. Priya: Oh! Leonard, wake up. Leonard: Huh! Sorry! Priya: For what? Leonard: I don't know. When I'm in bed with a girl, it's just, it's my go to response. Priya: It's six o' clock, I have to get back to Raj's before he wakes up and realises I'm gone. Leonard: Oh, right, sure. I wish you could stay in LA a while longer. Priya: Mmm. Me too. Leonard: You know, I was thinking, there are some great research facilities in India. Priya: Where are you going with this, Leonard? Leonard: Well, I'm just saying, I don't have any real ties here, so if I were to move to New Delhi we could, you know, go out. Priya: Leonard, didn't we have this conversation five years ago. Leonard: Well, yes, but, things have changed, you know, you're older, I'm older. Look, no more superhero bedsheets. Priya: Sweetheart, just because we have fun when I come to town doesn't mean I want to have a serious relationship. Leonard: It doesn't? Priya: Mm-mm. And besides, I could never bring a white boy home to my parents. They'd have a cow. Which is a much bigger deal in India. Leonard: I'm not that white. My great-great grandmother was half Cherokee. I know that's not the right kind of Indian but it is something. Priya: Aha, you're funny. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. Leonard: What? Sheldon: I heard a woman laughing. Leonard: Oh, uh, yeah, I was trying to see if I could laugh as a woman. Sheldon: Oh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume. Leonard: Air freshener. Sheldon: And is that lipstick on your cheek and neck. Leonard: Uh, rash, that's a bad rash. Sheldon: My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection? Leonard: Uh, yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Sheldon: Very well, I'm sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch. Leonard: Okay, he's in the bathroom, let's go. Sheldon: Do you prefer ointment or cream? Leonard: Uh, cream. Sheldon: With or without a numbing agent? Leonard: Without. Sheldon: Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis. Leonard: Fine. With. Sheldon: Prescription or non-prescription strength. Leonard: Use your best judgement. Sheldon: Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It's usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts. Leonard: Sounds great. Sheldon: Excellent choice. Leonard (whispering): Right, right, alright. (They creep almost to the apartment door.) Sheldon: Priya? Priya: Good morning, Sheldon. Sheldon: For shame, Leonard. For shame. And to think I was ready to waste the last of my good haemorrhoid cream on you. Scene: Leonard's car. Leonard: Making pretty good time, huh? Sheldon: Is that really what you want to talk about, Leonard? Leonard: No. Sheldon: What do you want to talk about? Leonard: Please don't tell anyone I spent the night with Raj's sister. Sheldon: There it is. What if someone asks? Leonard: No-one's going to ask if I spent the night with Raj's sister. Sheldon: Perhaps. But they might ask me something else. Leonard: Like what? Sheldon: Like, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently? Leonard: Priya and I are both adults. We didn't betray Raj. Sheldon: In fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard. Leonard: What are you talking about? Sheldon: April 12th, 2005, Bob's Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob's Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt. Leonard: Okay, fine, I betrayed Howard. Sheldon: And Raj. Leonard: Alright, and Raj. Sheldon: And me. Leonard: You? Sheldon: Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause. Leonard: Okay fine, I'm, I'm a horrible human being, I'm the Darth Vader of Pasadena. Sheldon: You're far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok. Leonard: My point is, Priya's gone. And it would be much better if no-one else found out about this. Sheldon: You mean, you want me to keep a secret. Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: You know I can't keep a secret. Leonard: You can if you try. Think about it this way, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you'd keep that secret. Right? Sheldon: Why do you get to be Batman? Leonard: Because, well, Batman has the secret. Sheldon: Well Alfred has secrets too. Leonard: Like what? Sheldon: Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I've now just told to Batman. See, I can't keep a secret. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Leonard's lab. Sheldon: Ta-da! Leonard: What. Sheldon: Ta-da. It's short for da-da-da-da! Leonard: Kind of busy here, Sheldon. Sheldon: I know, that's why I shortened it. Leonard: What do you want. Sheldon: I came to go over your alibi for last night. Leonard: What alibi? Sheldon: You've asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I've provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn't have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman. Leonard: Oh, I'm so sure I'm going to regret this, but, who was I with? Sheldon: The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary. Leonard: Oh, God. Sheldon: You met her at Pasadena's most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin's, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams. Leonard (reading a napkin Sheldon has handed him): Leonard, call me if you're interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary. Sheldon: And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this. Mechanical voice on Sheldon's phone: Top of the morning to you. You've reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep. Sheldon: It's pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn't even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie's flaming auburn hair. Leonard: Where did you get that? Sheldon: From an orang-u-tan in the primate lab. Leonard: An orang-u-tan? Sheldon: Well, no-one's going to run a DNA test on it, Leonard, honestly you over-think everything. Leonard: Sheldon, I don't need an alibi. Nobody's going to ask about last night as long as you just zip your lip. (Sheldon makes lip zipping movement.) Thankyou. Now don't worry, everything is going to be fine. (Sheldon writes "I doubt it" on Leonard's whiteboard. Scene: The cafeteria. Leonard: Hey. Raj: Hey, Leonard, will you please tell Howard my sister's never been attracted to him. Leonard: C'mon Raj, how am I supposed to know who she's attracted to. Or was attracted to. Or who she might be attracted to. In the future. Sheldon: And I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. Because I too know absolutely nothing about Priya's preferences in male companionship. And with that, I will re-zip my lip. Raj: Hey, so what did you guys think of the new episode of Caprica last night? Leonard: I didn't see it. Howard: Didn't see it? What were you doing? Leonard: Uh, I was out. Raj: On Caprica night? Leonard: Yeah, I, uh, went for a drink. Howard: Really, you, and where, where did you go? Leonard: To, uh, Lucky Baldwin's. Sheldon: Oh, I've heard of that place, isn't that Pasadena's favourite Irish watering hole. Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid? Leonard: As a matter of fact I.. I... I can't... I can't... I can't do it. Sheldon: Sure you can, you're doing fine, it's very believable. Leonard: Look, I'm sorry Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night. Sheldon: Don't listen to him, he's still light headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system. Raj: What were you doing with Priya? Sheldon: I believe they engaged in coitus but, more importantly, if Leonard had not abandoned his story, would you have found it plausible? Raj: What? You slept with my sister? Leonard: Yeah. Howard: How could you? We had a pact! Raj: Excuse me, I think how could you she's my sister takes precedence over a five year old pinky swear! Sheldon: May I point out, in a parallel universe, your friends are saying Maggie McGeary, she sounds lovely. Leonard: Look, I admit it, I may have crossed a line here, but come on, Raj, your sister is a grown woman. To her, I'm a forbidden piece of white chocolate. Raj: I... I don't believe it, this is a terrible betrayal of my trust. Leonard: No, no, no, would it help if I told you that I offered her my heart and she kind of stomped on it. Raj: How hard did she stomp? Leonard: Very hard. Raj: Okay, I'm good. Howard: Yeah, well, Raj, I just want to say that I'd never betray your trust. Unlike Leonard, I respect you. Leonard: Really? Howard: Mmm. Leonard: Was it out of respect that you didn't tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal? Raj: Dude! I put that thing on my face! Sheldon: I think a more amusing violation of Raj's trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving. Howard: Hey, I didn't see you giving back your Snoopy snowcone maker. Raj: That was all a lie? This year's gifts are already wrapped! Howard: And as long as we're talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard's food. Sheldon: Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy. Leonard: You put moths in my food? Sheldon: For science. Raj: I can't believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth. Leonard: Well, uh, I can't believe you used Sheldon's toothbrush. Sheldon: You used my toothbrush? Raj: Not the brush part, just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums. Leonard: Okay, I, I, I think it's safe to say that we've all done some things we're not particularly proud of. But come on, we're friends. Friends overlook each other's minor lapses. For the record, Howard, I'm sorry that I broke our pact. Howard: Thankyou, and I'm sorry about your phone. And Thanksgiving. And while we're at it, you don't have to wash our clothes on the fourth of July. Raj: As long as we're apologising, Sheldon, I, I'm sorry I used your toothbrush. Sheldon: And I'm sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends. Raj: I got you a talking Thomas the Tank Engine for Thanksgiving. Sheldon: With real puffing smoke? Raj: Yes. Sheldon: Alright. But I'm watching you. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is making snowcones. Leonard: Hey, you got Snoopy out. Can I have a snowcone? Sheldon: Well, sure. Leonard: These are pretty god, what flavour is this? Sheldon: Guess. Leonard: Papaya? Sheldon: No. Leonard: Guava? Sheldon: You're so close. Leonard: I give up. Sheldon: Mango, caterpillar. What are you doing? You said you liked it!

Raj's younger sister Priya visits Pasadena. Though unknown to the others including Raj, Priya had been involved in a sexual encounter with Leonard five years earlier, despite Leonard's assurance to Howard that he would never hit on Priya in deference to Raj. That night, Priya sneaks into Leonard and Sheldon's apartment unknown to Sheldon and has sex with Leonard. Sheldon finds out the following morning and frames an elaborate, flawless lie to cover it up. But Leonard decides not to hide the truth and confesses to Raj that he slept with Priya. Raj is initially upset, but reconciles with Leonard after he says that Priya broke his heart. The guys then unleash confessions of all of the deceptions they have perpetrated on each other.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_01x21

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_01x21_0

[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. LAS VEGAS HIGHWAY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARK - DAY] (A man is out jogging in the park. He follows the trail as he jogs.) (As he runs, he hears a low growl. He stops moving, then turns around.) [SLOW MOTION CAMERA] (A growling dog, teeth bare and aggressive, jumps and attacks him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARK - NIGHT -- LATER] (The man is on the trail, dead.) (Police Officers are there along with other emergency personnel. An Officer leads GRISSOM, WARRICK and NICK to the body. He takes one look at the body and reacts to it.) Officer: Aw, jeez. (The Officer leaves. GRISSOM glances at him then turns back to the body.) Warrick: (to the OFFICER) All right, Guy? (NICK kneels down next to the body and looks back up at GRISSOM and WARRICK.) Nick: I guess he won't be eating dinner tonight. (He snaps a photograph. GRISSOM looks around and sees something. He grabs WARRICK'S hand holding the flashlight and points it up to a point beyond the body.) Grissom: I think running man was attacked up there and then dragged or slid down here. (Up on the hill nearby are drag marks toward the body. NICK continues to snap photos of the body.) Warrick: Look at those wounds. Nick: He picked the wrong time of day to be running alone. Dusk is when the animals come out. Warrick: Yeah. From what I hear they carved out a piece of this valley when they made the park. (DAVID works on the body; GRISSOM continues to examine the wounds.) Warrick: (continues) Some mountain lion probably didn't like getting relocated. Mountain lions are brutal. Grissom: And smart. (He holds the cut shirt away from the wound to show them what he's talking about, then turns to look back innocently at them.) Grissom: This one evidently knows how to use a scalpel. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks through the hallway heading automatically to his office. As he reaches the doorway, CATHERINE walks out of his office and they almost bump into each other. He's surprised to see her there.) Grissom: Catherine. (CATHERINE looks at GRISSOM and doesn't say anything. It's his office she's walking out of. GRISSOM picks up on ... something.) Grissom: What are you doing? Catherine: (not asking) The carnival case. I'm taking it. Grissom: The carnival case? Catherine: A six-year-old girl died on a ride at the carnival over on Washington. The paperwork's on your desk. (He nods and glances at his office behind her.) Grissom: Did you straighten up my office while you were in there? Catherine: You think I overstepped? (He shakes his head slightly.) These people come to town, they commit crimes and they leave. I just want to get there before the carnival moves on. Grissom: Okay. Take Sara with you. (She's one step ahead of him.) Catherine: (sighs) She's meeting me there. (CATHERINE walks past GRISSOM and leaves him standing in the hallway. He turns to watch her leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks into the autopsy room. WARRICK and NICK are already with DR. ROBBINS. GRISSOM walks up to the table where they're going over the autopsy findings.) Warrick: So, Doc, how big of a cat are we actually dealing with here? Dr. Albert Robbins: We're not. Grissom: (surprised) We're not? (ROBBINS turns to look at GRISSOM.) Dr. Albert Robbins: You ever owned a kitten? When you play with them, they don't just bite-- they scratch. Doesn't matter whether they're tabbies or tigers. (GRISSOM turns to look at the victim's body.) Dr. Albert Robbins: And there's no signs of claw wounds on the victim. Nick: So what are we dealing with? Dr. Albert Robbins: Forget whiskers. Think spot. Teeth marks look canine. (Quick CGI POV to: Camera quick zoom into a dog's open mouth and teeth bare. Cut to: Camera extreme close up of the dog's teeth sinking into flesh with lost of blood spurting out.) Dr. Albert Robbins: (V.O.) Bit him right through the jugular. (End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Grissom: I was wrong about the species. Dr. Albert Robbins: I'll make a mold of the bite. If we're lucky we can narrow it down to breed. (GRISSOM looks over at WARRICK and NICK, both acting strangely.) (WARRICK turns away.) Grissom: What? (WARRICK and NICK look at GRISSOM.) Nick: Most people don't admit when they're wrong. Grissom: (shrugs) I'm wrong all the time. That's how I eventually get to right. Dr. Albert Robbins: You weren't wrong about the scalpel. Whoever removed this guy's organs knew how to handle one. Nick: So a dog killed him, then someone came along and cut him up. Grissom: Someone with two legs and a medical degree. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CARNIVAL - TUNNEL OF LOVE -- NIGHT] (The carnival is in full swing. Camera shows the different rides, the crowd milling about, then the Tunnel of Love ride that's still.) (CATHERINE and SARA walk under the crime scene tape toward the body of the little girl on the ground.) Sara: Thanks. (The CORONERS, kneeling down next to the body, puts down a bright blue body bag to gather up the body.) Catherine: Stop. (The CORONERS look up at CATHERINE.) Catherine: (firmly) What are you doing? That bag's been used 100 times. Get her a new one. Sara: (puzzled) They get washed every time, right? Coroner's Assistant: Yeah-- with disinfectant. (CATHERINE puts her kit down. SARA watches her a little concerned.) Catherine: What if it was your kid? (CATHERINE walks into the open back of the CORONER'S van and pulls out a brand new body bag.) Catherine: She gets this one. (She hands the bag to the CORONER. He takes it, stands up and steps aside.) Coroner's Assistant: Yes, ma'am. (CATHERINE kneels down next to the body and looks at it. The little girl is dead on the ground with her eyes wide open. CATHERINE gasps and closes her eyes.) Catherine: (exhales) She looks scared. No six-year-old should have to go through that. Sara: (concerned) You okay? (CATHERINE turns to look at SARA who is watching her steadily.) Catherine: Why don't you go find the mother and talk to her. I'll take the crime scene. Sara: Okay. (SARA turns to leave. CATHERINE stands up and heads for the ride.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT] (CARLA DANTINI, the mother of the little girl, is crying and relaying the story to SARA. Her boyfriend, HUGH YOUNG, has his arms around her.) Carla Dantini: I don't know what happened. One minute Sandy was laughing, holding my hand, and the next ... the next, sh ... oh, my god. (She turns her head and cries.) (Quick flashback to: CARLA and SANDY are in the Tunnel of Love car as it enters the tunnel. CARLA has her arm around SANDY'S shoulders as it moves. They both giggle and laugh.) (Several cuts of CARLA and SANDY enjoying the ride.) (Cut to: Suddenly, SANDY falls into the water with a splash.) Sandy Dantini: Mommy! (Cut to: CARLA is still in the car around looking for SANDY.) Carla Dantini: Sandy! CARLA DANTINI: Sandy, where are you? (CARLA dips her arms into the water looking for SANDY.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Carla Dantini: (stopped crying) I ... I got out of the car ... (she swallows) ... but I couldn't find her. By the time I got the operators to stop the ride ... she was dead. Hugh Young: How can this happen ... at a carnival? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARK - NIGHT] (NICK and WARRICK are back at the park where the jogger's body was found. They're each carrying a flashlight.) Nick: "Go back to the crime scene. Collect the dog's scat." (WARRICK laughs. NICK looks around.) Nick: I didn't realize how many dogs take their walks up here when I said that. (WARRICK looks around at the ground.) Warrick: Yeah, but I bet Grissom did. (It starts to rain.) Warrick: (frustrated) This sucks! (They continue to look around and complain while they do.) Warrick: But it's evidence, right? Nick: No, hair and fiber is evidence, Warrick. This is combat duty. (WARRICK leans in for a closer look. He sees something.) Warrick: Yeah, it's somebody's "doody". (NICK turns to look at what's gotten WARRICK'S attention.) Nick: Don't even waste your time. That's cougar. Warrick: How do you figure that? (NICK reaches out and picks it up. He shines the flashlight on it.) Nick: See the rabbit hair in the feces? Don't you remember the seminar? Warrick: (huh?) Seminar? (NICK looks up at WARRICK and shines his flashlight on his face.) Nick: Julie? Warrick: (remembers) Julie. Oh ... a CSI should not be that fine. (NICK chuckles. They continue to look around the area. They see something behind them.) (WARRICK reaches out and picks it up.) Warrick: What is that? (NICK looks at it.) Nick: Looks like dirty ice. Warrick: Yeah, well, I'm taking it into evidence. Nick: It's evidence of a picnic, Warrick. (WARRICK puts the ice in a container and holds it up as he looks at it.) Warrick: Yeah, well ... we'll see. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CARNIVAL - TUNNEL OF LOVE EXIT -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE interviews THOMAS PICKENS as she stands over the Tunnel of Love car.) Thomas Pickens: We've never had a problem with this ride. This is the safest ride we got. Catherine: Not anymore. So you didn't know that anything was wrong until this car came out of the tunnel, right? Thomas Pickens: As soon as the mom started screaming, I stopped the ride. (CATHERINE reaches inside the car and grabs the seat belt. She tugs on it a couple of times, then drops it back into the car.) Catherine: Seat belt's loose. Thomas Pickens: (not looking at her) I check those every morning. Catherine: Did you check this one? Thomas Pickens: Yeah. Catherine: So do you strap the riders in, or do they do it themselves? Thomas Pickens: Lady, it's the Tunnel of Love, not Colossus. People like to get up close and personal on this ride. Catherine: So you keep the belts loose on purpose. Loose enough for adults to get close or six-year-old kids to slide through? (CATHERINE picks up her kit and walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CARNIVAL - TUNNEL OF LOVE -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE walks into the Tunnel entrance and looks around. She puts her kit down and takes out a camera. As she walks through the tunnel, she snaps photos.) (CATHERINE walks into the water and sees something in the car rail. Camera zooms in to show the fresh markings on the car rail. She snaps a photo of the markings.) (CATHERINE looks around and finds a hammer in the water. She picks it up and knows why it's there.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CARNIVAL - OUTSIDE - NIGHT] (THOMAS PICKENS sits miserably on his seat with the OFFICER in front of him when CATHERINE walks up to them.) Catherine: Officer, give us a minute. (The OFFICER stands up and leaves. CATHERINE pulls out his chair, but remains standing.) Catherine: You tampered with the evidence. Thomas Pickens: Ma'am, I don't know what you're talking about. Catherine: Spare me the hee haw routine. You run this nightmare on wheels. I found this in there. (She shows him the hammer. He looks nervously at it.) Catherine: You sent one of your employees into that tunnel to fix the track where that little girl was killed to cover your ass? Thomas Pickens: Glad you found that, 'cause puppy's been missing since I rolled into Vegas. Look, I, uh ... I'm sorry as the next jim-jim about what happened, ma'am but ... (He absently scratches his arm. CATHERINE sees the movement.) Thomas Pickens: ... I ain't got nothing to do with it. (CATHERINE walks to the booth nearby and grabs a cup. She holds it out to him.) Catherine: Field test for drugs. I'm sure you've done this before. (He shakes his head and leans back in his chair.) Thomas Pickens: You can't make me take a drug test. (SARA walks up to them and listens.) Catherine: Oh, before you came to Nevada you should have looked up the law. Mandatory drug testing wherever there's been an accident. Pee now, and don't tell me you're shy. (He stands up right in front of CATHERINE, grabs the cup from her and grins. He walks past her toward the OFFICER.) Catherine: (to the OFFICER) Stay on him. (They leave.) Sara: Mandatory drug testing? Catherine: Yeah, well, there should be. And I don't have to wait for results to know that guy's coked out of his brain. Sara: Cocaine bugs. (Shakes her head in disgust.) Catherine: Oh ... crawling all under his skin. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (GRISSOM sits in his office behind his desk holding a piece of molding. He odes to it as he looks at it.) Grissom: Like David Crosby said, big fella: "If I'd known I was going to live this long I'd have taken better care of my teeth." (GREG SANDERS appears in the doorway and leans against the door frame.) Greg Sanders: Right you are, Mr. Crime Scene Investigator. (GREG walks into the office.) Greg Sanders: You know, most dogs have 42 teeth but, as you've discovered, your Cujo only has 41. Woof-woof. (GREG sits down in front of the desk.) Grissom: Did you ever hear a dog say "woof-woof," Greg? (GREG shrugs his shoulders.) Grissom: I mean, what is the origin of that? And what do we sound like to them, I wonder. Greg Sanders: I don't know. Probably blah, blah, blah. Grissom: Did you come here with some particular "blah, blah, blah" for me? Greg Sanders: Yes. Two words. Paw prints. Your dentally-challenged killer left them all over the vic's clothes. Grissom: Greg, you know that paw prints are not the same as fingerprints. Greg Sanders: True, and even if they were, we don't have the database. But they can tell you the size of the dog. Grissom: And? Greg Sanders: And, according to my sagacious calculations, this is a big dog. At least a hundred pounds. Grissom: Now if we can just figure out where he went to medical school we'll be home free. Greg Sanders: (confused) Huh? Grissom: The, uh big dog is a Great Dane-Mastiff mix. Greg Sanders: (disappointed) So my paw prints didn't even help. Grissom: No, odontology did. Dr. Robbins' dental mold. But, uh it's always nice to have a visit with you, Greg. Greg Sanders: Thank you. So now you think you're going to find this dog? (He looks at the file in front of him.) Grissom: (reading) "The array of the bite the squarish impression of the jaw are unique to a Dane or Dane mix." And there are only 40 registered in the greater Las Vegas area. So if one of them is owed a visit by the tooth fairy ... yes ... I think I can. (GRISSOM takes off his glasses and stands up to leave the room with the file in his hands.) [SCENE_BREAK] [NT. CSI - TRACE LAB] (NICK and WARRICK are working in the lab. NICK is looking through the microscope presumably examining the dog scat they've collected at the park.) Nick: Corn. Hamburger. Rawhide. But no human cellular tissue in this sample. (NICK stands up and grabs a container.) Warrick: Only thirty more jars to go. (WARRICK and NICK are unaware that GRISSOM walked into the lab.) Warrick: This is rough, man. We should be pulling better cases by now. Millionaire murders, casino heists. Grissom: It's interesting how we categorize evidence in terms of what it means to us as opposed to what it might mean to the case. Warrick: Uh, we're supposed to like scat patrol? Grissom: Sometimes we deal with bugs, worms, waste or worse. But, as scientists, we look beyond the possibly offensive qualities of these things to what they might tell us about the puzzle we're trying to solve. (WARRICK glances at NICK and scoffs at what he just heard.) Warrick: Yeah. Nick: (laughs) Man, do you turn it on like this at your seminars? Grissom: People actually pay to go to my seminars, Nick. We've I.D.'d the dog. Nick: Well, if he's got bits of jogger hanging out of his mouth, cuff him. (SGT. O'RILEY appears in the doorway and holds up a file.) Sgt. O'Riley: I pulled those rap sheets. Called around. Grissom: And? Sgt. O'Riley: The one with the missing tooth is no angel. He attacked a gas man checking a meter. Took a chunk of thigh and severed a testicle. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DR. SUSAN HILLRIDGE'S RESIDENCE - FRONT PORCH - DAY] (GRISSOM and SGT. O'RILEY walk up the porch. SGT. O'RILEY rings the doorbell. A dog barks from inside.) (The door opens and a woman is standing there.) Susan Hillridge: Can I help you? Sgt. O'Riley: Are you Susan Hillridge? Susan Hillridge: Yes. "Doctor" Hillridge. (The dog in question barks and trots over to the two men in the doorway. It's a huge dog. He barks again and jumps on GRISSOM, his paws resting comfortably on GRISSOM'S shoulders, standing on his hind legs and bringing his face directly in front of GRISSOM'S.) (SGT. O'RILEY automatically reaches for his gun. So do the other OFFICERS in the background standing out in the front yard.) (GRISSOM holds the dog's paws while trying to avoid the dog's enthusiastic face licks.) Grissom: Is this your dog Doctor? Susan Hillridge: (amused) Yes. Simba. Grissom: Well, you have a problem. (She doesn't seem surprised by this.) Susan Hillridge: Oh, no. Not again. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HILLRIDGE RESIDENCE - DAY] (GRISSOM and SGT. O'RILEY question SUSAN HILLRIDGE outside in the front of the house.) Susan Hillridge: What makes you think that Simba had anything to do with that jogger's death? Grissom: There have been complaints about your dog in the past. Sgt. O'Riley: Your meter reader's singing soprano. Susan Hillridge: Oh, I get it now. You're talking about my old dog, Dickie. He was aggressive. That's why I put him down. Simba just gets out of the yard a lot. (She indicates this dog being held in check by two OFFICERS.) Grissom: The dog we're looking for is missing a tooth. I noticed that Simba is also missing a tooth. Susan Hillridge: Okay, he is missing a tooth. But he just gets out and wrestles with neighbors' garbage cans. He's not a violent dog. Grissom: That may be. We still have to take him into custody until we can determine whether or not he had any involvement in this homicide. (SGT. O'RILEY turns and calls out to the OFFICERS.) Sgt. O'Riley: Officers, go ahead. He's all yours. (The two OFFICERS lead SIMBA away.) Susan Hillridge: You're making a mistake. Grissom: You said that you were a doctor. May I ask your specialty? Susan Hillridge: Nutrition. My patients are mostly professional athletes. Grissom: Do you ever consult with amateur athletes? Like marathoners? Susan Hillridge: You mean like that jogger? What was his name? Grissom: Terry Manning. Susan Hillridge: Doesn't ring a bell. And I'm very good with names, Mr. Grissom. You'll let me know when I can pick up Simba. Grissom: You're assuming a lot. (She takes a step back.) Susan Hillridge: So are you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DNA LAB - DAY] (CATHERINE is in the DNA lab while GREG is getting her test results.) Catherine: So you did the tox screen on my carny? (GREG pulls back from the counter he's leaning on and stands back, hands in his pockets.) Greg Sanders: Roger that. You know, I have seen guys drink, like, five gallons of water to try and dilute their urine. It's the old straight flush. But all bad boy Sanders has to do is just test their specific gravity and-- blammo! -- I can still catch their toxic butts. Catherine: Mm-hmm. So? Greg Sanders: So your guy didn't do that. Catherine: Great. What did he do? Try and mask it? Greg Sanders: No. Catherine: Oh, come on. That creep tested clean? Greg Sanders: Yeah. For someone who's on the pill. Catherine: What? (GREG points to the monitor.) Greg Sanders: He's got synthetic estrogen in his urine sample. Should modulate his mood swings. (CATHERINE closes her eyes and sighs.) Catherine: Oldest trick in the book. Somebody else's urine. Probably keeps a stash in his trailer and that uniform was too green to look for it. Greg Sanders: Isn't that in the constitution somewhere? A man's inalienable right to pee in private? (SARA opens the door to the lab and walks inside. She lingers in the doorway.) Sara: Hey, I just got off the phone with OSHA. Our carnival has violations in eight states. Catherine: What a surprise. Sara: But that's not all. More than half these guys have records. And Pickens, the boss? His real name is Roger Peet. He's a convicted s*x offender on parole. Catherine: Let's go. (CATHERINE and SARA head out of the lab. GREG waves them bye.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (CATHERINE, SARA and BRASS interview THOMAS PICKENS/ROGER PEET) Thomas Pickens: How was I supposed to know she's 16 and a half? From the neck down she was all grown up. (He looks over at BRASS and smiles.) Thomas Pickens: You know what I mean? (BRASS, arms crossed and leaning against the wall, doesn't smile back.) Brass: I have a teenage daughter. So, no, I don't know what you mean. (THOMAS PICKENS sits back in his seat and crosses his arms.) Thomas Pickens: Jerry Lee Lewis, man. Same thing happened to him. What's all this got to do with the little dead girl, anyway? Sara: You tell us. Thomas Pickens: I was walking down the midway (Quick flashback to: [EXT. CARNIVAL-DAY] THOMAS PICKENS walks outside the carnival looking at the people around him.) Thomas Pickens: ... and I seen this woman come whishing out of the tunnel, screaming for her daughter. (The doors to the Tunnel of Love open and CARLA DANTINI is standing in the car.) Carla: (screaming and crying) My baby! My baby! My baby! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Thomas Pickens: Me and Joey -- he's the operator -- we hit the kill switch, stopped the ride, ran in the tunnel and looked for the kid. And I seen her laying facedown in the pool of water. That's it. Catherine: What did you do? Thomas Pickens: I didn't do nothing. She was dead. I didn't come within two feet of her. I'm sorry about what happened. But that's all that I know. (Again, he sits back in his seat, arms crossed in front of him. CATHERINE leans in forward toward him.) Catherine: If you so much as breathed on this child, the evidence will tell me. You can dope your urine change your name compare yourself to Elvis himself, but if you harmed Sandy Dantini, I'm going to get you. (CATHERINE turns and storms out of the interview room. SARA follows her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE walks out of the interview room and into the hallway. SARA closes the door behind her.) Sara: You worried you tipped your hand in there? Catherine: No. Sara: Look, don't bite my head off, but any chance you're going after this guy because you're a mother? (CATHERINE stops and turns around to look at SARA.) Catherine: Pickens is a drug addict and s*x offender operating a two-ton kid magnet. Sara: Yeah. Catherine: Did you take a look around that carnival? Sara: Maybe. Catherine: Did you notice anything about those other rides? Ferris wheel-single cars in the open. Zipper-single cars in the open. Himalaya-group cars in the open. How come Pickens was hanging around the only ride that takes kids into the dark? (SARA nods as she listens.) Catherine: What if he pulled that little girl out of the car? (SARA thinks about it.) Sara: You have anything to support that? (Without another word, CATHERINE turns around and walks away. SARA turns and calls out after her.) Sara: Hey. (mutters) We aren't going to lunch, are we? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY] (GRISSOM sits in his office and shows the mold to NICK.) Grissom: Simba's mold's still damp, but you can see it's a perfect match to the bite mark on the jogger. Nick: Does this mean Simba's going to the big dog pound in the sky? Grissom: No. We need to build some more evidence. Find some jogger in Simba's stool. Nick: Well, I can tell you we found a unique sample at the crime scene. Great dane-sized scat containing bits of premium pet store kibble. Grissom: How premium? Nick: Sirloin, rice -- nothing artificial. Grissom: We need to find out what Dr. Hillridge feeds her dog. (GRISSOM stands up, grabs his jacket and heads out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (WARRICK is heading through the hallway. He meets up with GRISSOM and NICK.) Warrick: Just coming to see you. You remember that ice we found at the crime scene? (GRISSOM puts his jacket on and picks up the container in WARRICK'S hand to look at it.) Grissom: There's nothing in here. Warrick: It didn't melt. It evaporated. Nick: Dry ice. Frozen co2 sublimates into invisible gas, not water. Warrick: The jogger was missing some organs. Grissom: Surgical teams use dry ice to pack organs shipped for transplant. Warrick: It just so happens the dog's owner is a doctor. Nick: Surgeon? Grissom: Nutritionist. But all medical residents have surgical rotations. Fellas, we have a doctor's appointment. Warrick: Yeah. (They all head out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT./INT. HILLRIDGE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN -DAY] (NICK is in the backyard checking the ground.) (WARRICK is inside the house examining the living room. He looks behind the painting, leans down and opens the drawers of the table. He looks inside the cabinet, then looks around the living room.) (In the backyard, NICK crouches down and finds a sample of dog scat on the ground. He opens the container and pauses just before picking up the sample. He puts the sample inside the container and looks around.) (Cut to: GRISSOM walks into the kitchen where SUSAN HILLRIDGE is putting items into a blender. Her back is to him.) Grissom: Would you mind if I looked in your freezer? Susan Hillridge: I have a patient coming in exactly twenty minutes so if you want to rifle around until then, fine but I will not leave my place of business. Grissom: No one's asked you to. (She glances over her shoulder at GRISSOM.) (After a moment, she returns to her blender.) (GRISSOM turns and opens the large stainless steel refrigerator and looks inside. There are stacks of plastic containers neatly stacked and labeled. Every shelf is well organized.) (He closes the door.) Susan Hillridge: You're very organized, Dr. Hillridge. I imagine you're upset about your dog -- having to put him down if it comes to that. (She turns and looks at him to correct his thinking.) Susan Hillridge: I don't hold onto things. I accept the evolution of change. We live, we die, we replenish the earth. (She nods, then turns back to her blender.) Grissom: Man's best friend ... but not yours, huh? Susan Hillridge: None of us gets out alive. I would think, in your job, you'd know that. (She turns around and takes a step toward GRISSOM. In one hand, she holds a beet. In the other hand, she grabs a large cutting knife and holds it up, point toward the ceiling.) Susan Hillridge: But if we treat our bodies like a temple we can cheat time. (She stares at his eyes ... ) Susan Hillridge: Your eyes ... Grissom: (startled) What? Susan Hillridge: The lower rims are pale. You're deficient in folic acid. You're not eating your beets. Two beets have 54% percent of the RDA. (She nods, then turns back to the counter. She puts the beets on the cutting board and cuts it expertly as GRISSOM watches. She puts the pieces in the open blender.) Grissom: May I ask you what medical school you attended? Susan Hillridge: Will that help with your investigation? Grissom: I just thought, the way you handled that knife... Susan Hillridge: (realizes) Oh, the knife. (shakes her head) No. I was in the CIA. Culinary Institute of America. (She turns back to her blender and mixes the drink.) (When she's done, she gets a glass and fills it up.) Susan Hillridge: Tell me, Mr. Grissom, how does a man choose death as his profession? Grissom: It chose me, actually. Susan Hillridge: Will, I guess one man's corpse is another man's candy. (She holds out her shake toward him.) Care for a sip? It's full of folacin. Grissom: No, thanks. (WARRICK walks into the kitchen. SUSAN HILLRIDGE takes a sip of her drink.) Warrick: Gris, can I show you something? (He nods, then excuses himself from her.) Grissom: Excuse me. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HILLRIDGE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (WARRICK gingerly carries a long thin box. He shows it GRISSOM and reads the small plaque on the cover.) Warrick: Surgery equipment. "Emory Medical Supplies, Boston, Mass., 1875." (He opens the box and inside there are surgery equipment. Warrick: Antiques. (GRISSOM takes out one of them and holds it up to the light.) Grissom: Boy, these are well maintained. Warrick: Exactly. What I find interesting is that she keeps them near the door, not in the office. In case she needs to break out and go do some work. Grissom: Maybe she makes house calls. (There's a light knocking on the front door. It opens and a man walks in.) Grissom: May we help you? Edwin: Yes. Dr. Hillridge around? I'm here for a 4:00. (From the kitchen, SUSAN HILLRIDGE walks out. She looks up at EDWIN and smiles.) Susan Hillridge: Edwin. You look great today. How did the race go? Edwin: I finished in three hours and ten minutes. Susan Hillridge: You can do better. (They both turn and head out of the room past GRISSOM and WARRICK. She turns and looks back at them, then follows EDWIN.) (They leave.) (WARRICK turns to GRISSOM.) Warrick: She gives me the willies. Grissom: We can't arrest her for that. Warrick: Yeah, well, maybe we can link these to the crime. Her dog may have eaten that jogger but he can't harvest the organs. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (DR. ROBBINS goes over the findings with CATHERINE and SARA.) Dr. Albert Robbins: No question about it -- the cause of death is drowning. Catherine: How tall was the victim? Dr. Albert Robbins: Three feet, give or take an inch. Catherine: The water was a foot and a half deep. She could've easily climbed out, unless she was unconscious. Sara: Maybe she had a minor concussion, or was stunned. That could explain why she couldn't get out. Dr. Albert Robbins: I checked, believe me. She didn't. The only injury I could find on this little girl was a fractured forearm. Catherine: Spiral or straight? Dr. Albert Robbins: X rays just came back. Let's see. (They all turn and head for the x-ray table. DR. ROBBINS puts the two x-rays on the table.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Spiral. That's not from a fall. Catherine: Somebody twisted that little girl's arm hard enough to break it. (Quick CGI POV of the bone in the arm breaking. End of CGI POV.) Sara: Perimortem? Dr. Albert Robbins: Swelling takes at least two to four minutes of active circulation. There's no swelling, so it had to happen moments before she died. Sara: So someone did yank her out of that car in the dark. (Quick flashback to: Inside the Tunnel of Love, THOMAS PICKENS grabs SANDY DANTINI out of the car. She yells for her mother.) Sandy Dantini: Mommy! (CARLA steps out of the car.) Carla Dantini: Sandy! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: Wait. Pickens yanks her out just so he can drown her? Catherine: He's a s*x offender. He was going to take her someplace. Sara: Not without someone seeing him. Catherine: You read the OSHA report. How many emergency doors were operational? Sara: None. Catherine: He was trapped like a rat. (Quick flashback to: Inside the Tunnel of Love, THOMAS PICKENS tries to get the door open and it's stuck. He's carrying SANDY in his other arm. She's crying.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: He did the only thing he could -- he hid the evidence. (Quick flashback to: Inside the Tunnel of Love, THOMAS PICKENS has water up to his elbows. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: Drowned the little girl. Sara: (nods) I'm going to go call Brass. (SARA leaves. CATHERINE turns to look at DR. ROBBINS.) Catherine: You're going to enter this as a homicide, right? Dr. Albert Robbins: Technically, it's somewhere between accidental and undetermined. Catherine: It's a homicide. I'm going to get your proof. So write down that "accidental" in pencil. (CATHERINE turns to leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE walks out of the autopsy room and takes off her mask and smock. In the back of the hallway, CARLA DANTINI turns the corner and makes her way toward CATHERINE. She walks up to CATHERINE.) Carla Dantini: Can you help me? I need to find out when my daughter's going to be released. Catherine: I'm not a coroner. What's your daughter's name? Carla Dantini: Sandy Dantini. Catherine: (inhales) Oh, Mrs. Dantini. I'm Catherine Willows, from the Crime Lab. You've spoken with my colleague, Sara Sidle. I'm so sorry. Carla Dantini: Um... did you find out what happened at the carnival to my baby? Catherine: Actually, I'd like to ask you a few questions. Is it possible that someone reached into your car and pulled out your daughter? Carla Dantini: I ... thought it was an accident. You read all the time about how dangerous amusement parks can be. You think it can never happen to you. You think you can protect your kids. Catherine: Well, when you went in the water to try to save Sandy did you hear anything? Did you... sense that anyone was there... in the dark? Carla Dantini: I-I-I don't know. I mean, well, you know, it all happened so fast. I was ... focused on finding Sandy. Do you ... do you think someone else was there? Catherine: I'm not ruling anything out. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DESERT HAVEN MORTUARY - DAY] (GRISSOM is at the mortuary speaking with RANDY GESEK, the funeral director.) Randy Gesek: Look, I didn't do anything wrong. I may have recycled a few caskets but you're talking about a whole different ball game, here. Grissom: Mr. Gesek, I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm not even here officially. Think of yourself as a consultant to the Las Vegas Crime Lab. (RANDY GESEK turns to look at GRISSOM.) Randy Gesek: Do I get paid? (GRISSOM doesn't bother answering the question.) Grissom: What do you know about organ theft? Randy Gesek: Oh, if I was in that business I wouldn't worry about getting paid. You know, there are places overseas that'll pay 50 grand for one lung? Sixty for a heart? Grissom: And you know this because...? Randy Gesek: Not firsthand. Not even secondhand. At the last funeral directors' convention ... you'd be amazed what you hear. But, you know, it takes a lot to keep a business afloat. Grissom: Tell me about the local market for organs. Randy Gesek: Well, we're talking about life and death. It's probably pretty good. Grissom: If someone was disemboweled and their liver taken what would that go for? Randy Gesek: Menu, everything a la carte. Corneas, $5,000. Kidney, $20,000. Liver, 40. Bowel, 30. Pancreas, 18. Grissom: It's amazing what you can learn at a convention. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB - DAY] (NICK walks from the hallway into the lab looking for WARRICK.) Nick: Warrick. I got a match. Warrick: Yeah. You want to hand me those filter papers right there? (NICK hands him the papers.) Nick: The scat I found at the crime scene and the scat from the doctor's house are the same, except for one difference. The stuff from the backyard -- full of human cellular tissue. Jogger DNA. Warrick: So we got the right dog. Well, let's see if the owner cut the vic up. (WARRICK holds up the scalpel.) Warrick: Reactive agents. One part leuko-malachite. (He adds drops of the first agent to the filter paper.) Warrick: One part hydrogen peroxide -- used by blondes everywhere. (He adds drops of the second agent to the filter paper. NICK smiles. They both watch as the filter paper changes color.) Warrick: Blue. Nick: Weird, isn't it? Warrick: What's that? Nick: To prove the presence of heme -- the stuff that makes blood red ... Warrick: ... turns the swab blue. Nick: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY] (THOMAS PICKENS argues with CATHERINE and SARA out in front of the Tunnel of Love.) Thomas Pickens: I own this attraction and it's going with me to the next town. Catherine: It's evidence. It's not going anywhere. Nothing is. (He takes a couple of threatening steps toward CATHERINE.) Thomas Pickens: What, says you two string beans? Catherine: It's going to take a lot more than vegetable insults to get us to move. Thomas Pickens: Lady, you don't know who you're messing with. Catherine: Oh, I know exactly who you are, Mr. Pickens. And if you so much as look at me in the wrong way, I will personally lock you in a cell with someone who's going to do the same thing to you that you've been doing to those little girls. (BRASS approaches the group accompanied by two officers.) Brass: Whoa, whoa. What, you start the party without me? That could get dangerous. Thomas Pickens? Thomas Pickens: Yeah. Brass: I got a court order. These rides stay in Vegas and you're coming with me. Thomas Pickens: You pullin' my pud? Brass: You know, the thought never crossed my mind. Come on. (BRASS, the two OFFICERS leave with THOMAS PICKENS. SARA turns around and smiles at CATHERINE. Clearly, she's enjoying this.) Catherine: What? Sara: Nothing. This is fun. Catherine: As compared to what? Sara: As compared to a more scientific approach. (It takes a moment, then CATHERINE smiles also.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY] (GRISSOM sits behind his desk delivering the bad news to NICK and WARRICK.) Grissom: I'm sorry, guys. If she cut up that jogger she didn't use that scalpel. Nick: But we found evidence of blood on it. Grissom: I had Sanders run a degradation on that same sample. The blood is 50 to 200 years old -- antique, like the scalpel -- ruling out the possibility it was used in the murder of our jogger. (GRISSOM'S phone rings. He answers it.) Grissom: Yeah. I'll be right out. (He hangs up.) I have a visitor. (GRISSOM stands to leave the office.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (SUSAN HILLRIDGE looks at the various items in the display case. Through the mirror, she sees GRISSOM walk past behind her. She turns around and taps him on the shoulder. She holds up a container of pills for him.) Susan Hillridge: Hi. I have folic acid. I was worried about your eyes. (GRISSOM takes the container.) Susan Hillridge: I assume my surgical instruments came back clean, or relatively clean. Grissom: Are you here for a nutritional consultation or to eavesdrop on my investigation? Susan Hillridge: Actually, my house felt a little crowded -- all those men you sent. (Behind them, a group of OFFICERS walk in past them carrying arm loads of paper bagged evidence.) Grissom: The, uh, police sent them. Susan Hillridge: But you dictated the scope of the warrant. They're taking everything from my kitchen and office. Grissom: You have three prior complaints in three separate states for owning vicious dogs. Susan Hillridge: And? What else do you know about me? Grissom: Each complaint is from a mountain state. Susan Hillridge: Is it a crime to like the mountains? Grissom: No. Only if we find other joggers have turned up dead. What's a liver go for these day Susan Hillridge: What? Grissom: Terry Manning was missing several key organs-- healthy organs. Susan Hillridge: You disappoint me. I thought you were smarter than that. Coenzyme q-10 could help with mental acuity. (She takes a couple of steps toward the door, then turns around.) Susan Hillridge: "The last act is bloody, however, fine the rest of the play." (Quotes always piques GRISSOM'S interest.) Grissom: Pascal. Very impressive. I prefer Buddha, though. "Even death is not to be feared by those who lived wisely." Susan Hillridge: One request. Ask them not to leave my house a mess. You know how I like order. (She turns and leaves. GRISSOM watches her go.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM] (In the layout room, WARRICK and NICK have all the items taken from SUSAN HILLRIDGE'S place spread out on the table. They're both busy spraying luminol on the items when GRISSOM walks into the lab and sees what they're doing.) Grissom: What, are you guys working in bulk now? Nick: Hey, you're the one who said that lady doc keeps skipping town. Warrick: If the jogger's blood is in any of this stuff, we need to find it now. Nick: This is only part of the kitchen-- the rest is in those bags and boxes. (NICK points to the items on the counter behind GRISSOM who turns around to look at them.) Warrick: I'm ready, Nick. You want to hit the lights? Nick: Yeah. (NICK turns off the lights. They start looking for any signs of blood.) (GRISSOM walks around the table and reaches out for the blender, the bottom of which is glowing. He turns and looks both at WARRICK and NICK.) Grissom: She made a protein shake in this yesterday right in front of me. Warrick: Why would she do that? Grissom: Get this to DNA --see if this is the jogger's blood. Warrick: I'd place a bet on it. (WARRICK picks up a package to put the blender inside. GRISSOM picks up a drinking glass that's also glowing. He holds it up.) Nick: (surprised) Whoa, whoa. So she's not selling the organs on the black market ... she's eating them? Grissom: Possibly drinking them. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT] (Someone drops a dummy on the ground behind CATHERINE and SARA. They both turn around and look at the Tunnel of Love. There are cops and techs everywhere.) Catherine: I want four techs in there. Let's try to pull the girl out from every conceivable angle. Officer: You got it. (Cut to: SARA snaps a photo.) Sara: Okay, based on our theory a loose seat belt enabled Pickens to yank the little girl out of her seat. (SARA takes another photo. CATHERINE moves and takes a seat inside the car.) Catherine: Mom was on the left. Where's my dummy? (The tech walks up carrying the dummy.) Catherine: Forty-two pounds? (The tech nods and helps put her into the car next to CATHERINE.) Sara: Just like little Sandy. (SARA continues to take photos. CATHERINE puts on the seat belts.) Catherine: And, just like ... the loose seat belt. (SARA presses the button and starts the ride.) (The car enters the Tunnel of Love.) (Cut to: SARA watches the monitors as the techs inside try to yank the dummy out of the car.) (The first tech tries. The second tech tries. The third tech also tries. All are unsuccessful.) (The ride ends.) Catherine: The belt wasn't loose enough to yank the girl out. Forget Pickens. Sara: The only person who could have done it, then is the person that was in the car with her-- the mother. Catherine: Her eyes were pointing in the wrong direction. Sara: (shakes her head) I'm sorry. What? Catherine: Carla Dantini was looking left when she told me about the accident. (Quick flashback to: [CSI HALLWAY - DAY] Camera is in slow motion as CARLA DANTINI talks. Her eyes open and shift toward her left. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: When a person is remembering, they look right and when they're creating, they look left. Sara: And by creating, you mean fabricating. Neurolinguistics programming -- human behavioral science. Catherine: Call Brass and tell him to meet us at the mother's house. (SARA sighs. CATHERINE is just stunned.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT] (GRISSOM and SGT. O'RILEY interview SUSAN HILLRDIGE.) Susan Hillridge: Mr. Grissom. You're looking grim. I'm afraid I don't have a supplement for that. Grissom: We found blood in your kitchen blender. The lab has matched it to the dead jogger. Susan Hillridge: It had to happen eventually. Grissom: Why? Susan Hillridge: You're the scientist. I should have thought you'd figured that out. Grissom: I haven't. Susan Hillridge: Think of the bugs, Grissom. Cycle of life. Angels versus insects. When we die the fable we tell ourselves is we go toward a white light and angels. But you and I both know the hard reality is that insects arrive immediately and begin turning us back to earth. Grissom: Yes. But the insects haven't killed anyone. Susan Hillridge: No. But they'd die if they didn't have bodies to feed off of. And so will I. (GRISSOM looks at SUSAN HILLRIDGE.) Susan Hillridge: Porphyria. Grissom: The madness of King George. Susan Hillridge: Or the Legend of the Vampire. Which makes it a real hard disease to have. But it's real for me. Grissom: It's genetic. Susan Hillridge: The only thing my father ever gave me. The first time it presented was after a minor sunburn. My lips receded -- so did my gums. I increased my glucose intake and I was fine ... for a while. I began a drug regimen but they only treated the symptoms. I had my spleen removed because it absorbed my blood. But nothing helped. Lesions started forming on my face. That's when I bought my first dog. Bullets and poison leave residue in the blood. Dogs kill clean. Imagine what I'd look like by now without them. (Quick CGI POV of: Camera close up of SUSAN HILLRIDGE as she is now. Then slowly her face morphs and her skin wrinkles, legions form. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Grissom: You could've tried intravenous hematin. Susan Hillridge: Human blood is the richest source of heme. Grissom: And so you extracted the organs with the most blood-- the liver, the spleen, the heart. Susan Hillridge: If you lock me up, I'll go mad. Grissom: Unfortunately, a symptom of your condition. But you've been killing people, doctor. Susan Hillridge: I'll die in prison. Grissom: Yes, but the people you'd be feeding off of will still be alive. Cycle of life. (She smiles at him as he throws her own words back at her.) Grissom: (to O'RILEY) Sergeant. (SGT. O'RILEY stands up and walks over to her. He puts the hand cuffs on her.) Officer: You're under arrest for the murder of Terry Manning. (GRISSOM sits stoically in his chair. SUSAN HILRIDGE stops as she passes GRISSOM.) Susan Hillridge: You have one more question. How could I consume raw organs? Not morally -- aesthetically. I dried them and ground them into powder. Grissom: Protein powder. (She turns and leans in close to GRISSOM. There are tears streaming down her face, knowing that she's going to die and exactly how it's going to happen. Nothing matters now. She gives it all up to him.) Susan Hillridge: You want an empirical experience? There's a fresh shake in my fridge. (O'RILEY leads SUSAN HILLRIDGE to the door where he hands her over to an OFFICER standing just outside in the hallway.) Sgt. O'Riley: Let's go. Officer. (He closes the door and turns back to GRISSOM.) Sgt. O'Riley: She is nuts, right? (GRISSOM turns and looks up at SGT. O'RILEY.) Grissom: She's a cold blooded killer. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DANTINI RESIDENCE - PORCH - NIGHT] (BRASS and CATHERINE walk up the front porch. BRASS knocks on the door.) Catherine: You got the warrant, right? Brass: Yeah, but it's limited in scope. The boyfriend's an attorney so we can't toss the place. (SARA joins them. CARLA DANTINI and HUGH YOUNG walk up to the door and she opens it.) Sara: Mrs. Dantini. Carla Dantini: You have news about Sandy? Sara: We may have a lead. Catherine: We need to see the clothes that you wore the day that your daughter died. Carla Dantini: Why? Hugh Young: It's okay, honey. (to CATHERINE) I'm Hugh Young, Mrs. Dantini's attorney. Carla's grieving. We both are. Can't this wait till after the funeral? Catherine: No, it can't. Brass: Here's a warrant. Where's your bedroom? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DANTINI RESIDENCE - BEDROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Spread out on the bed are the clothes that CARLA DANTINI wore. CATHERINE and SARA look through the items.) Catherine: So this is everything that you wore at the carnival last night? Carla Dantini: Yes. (CATHERINE picks up the watch.) Catherine: Your watch is waterlogged. (Camera zooms in to the face of the watch to show the beads of water clinging to the inside of the glass. Resume normal view.) Carla Dantini: Yes. I went into the water after my daughter. Sara: So, you jumped in the water. Carla Dantini: Yes. Catherine: How come your shoes are dry? Carla Dantini: Well ... it was yesterday. Of course they're dry. Catherine: The lining's blue. If they'd gotten wet the indigo dye would have bled onto your white socks. Sara: You never went in the water. Catherine: If you didn't go into the water how did your watch get wet? (HUGH YOUNG turns and looks at CARLA.) Carla Dantini: (nervously) Like I told her, reaching for my daughter. Catherine: You reached for her all right. (cc) To hold her under. (Quick flashback to: Inside the Tunnel of Love, the car ride starts. Cut to: CARLA DANTINI has her hand in the water. Cut to: Just before the ride ends, she takes her hand out of the water. She readjusts herself in her seat, then prepares for her performance.) (The car exits the ride.) Carla Dantini: My baby! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (CATHERINE nods. SARA, takes it one step further.) Sara: And when she managed to grab onto you, you broke her arm. Catherine: And you held her under while you sat in that car until you drowned her. Hugh Young: Carla is any of this true? (CARLA looks coldly at CATHERINE and SARA. She takes a deep breath.) Carla Dantini: I want you to leave. (CARLA heads out of the bedroom. CATHERINE follows her out into the hallway, angrily lecturing. CARLA doesn't stop.) Catherine: You took your daughter to the carnival 'cause "kids get hurt there all the time". You thought the blame would leave town with the ride. Well, you should have planned better. (CATHERINE catches up with CARLA and grabs her arm to stop her. CATHERINE stands in front of CARLA.) Catherine: What did you actually think? That you and your boyfriend would run off like newlyweds? No kid? No cares? (SARA and HUGH catch up with them.) Hugh Young: I never thought anything like that. Catherine: She did. (to CARLA) Didn't you? (CARLA doesn't say anything for a moment.) Carla Dantini: (coldly) I'm going to need a new lawyer. (Disgusted, CATHERINE heads out.) Catherine: (to SARA) Bag the evidence. (to BRASS) Arrest her, Jim. (SARA turns and follows her.) (In the living room, CATHERINE grabs her jacket when SARA catches up with her.) Sara: Hey ... (CATHERINE turns around.) Sara: ... you all right? Catherine: Yeah. Sara: Since we skipped lunch, you want to get something to eat? Walk it off? Catherine: I got to go home. (SARA nods.) Thanks. Rain check? Sara: Mm-hmm. (CATHERINE leaves. SARA turns around and heads back to the hallway.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RESIDENCE - NIGHT] (CATHERINE drives up and parks her car. She cuts her engine and hurries up to the front door. She knocks on the door.) (The front door opens and PAUL NEWSOME stands there in his robe.) Paul Newsome: You got my call. (She nods and sighs.) Catherine: It couldn't have come at a better time. (He holds the door open for her. CATHERINE steps inside and stops next to him. He leans forward and they kiss.)

Grissom, Nick, and Warrick investigate a jogger who was killed by a vicious dog in the park. The case gets complicated when they discover that the jogger's liver was surgically removed after he was killed. Meanwhile Sara and Catherine investigate the death of a six-year-old girl at a carnival ride, which gets Catherine emotionally involved.

fd_Bones_05x05

fd_Bones_05x05_0

"A Night at the Bones Museum" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open: A Power Plant - Night. A Security Guard patrols the grounds. Bored, he flings coins at the electric fence. They spark and sizzle in the dark, illuminating a figure. The Security Guard shines his flashlight and gets the shock of his life when he finds a shriveled corpse. He goes to touch the corpse but winds up shocking himself on the electric fence and falls backward to the ground.) (Cut to: FBI - Booth's Office. Booth and Brennan are in the middle of looking at something on Booth's desk when Assistant Director Andrew Hacker enters the room) HACKER: Hey! These are all the approvals that you asked for, Agent Booth. I- I think they're all in order. BOOTH: Right, you, uh, usually just e-mail me these, sir. HACKER: Yeah, well, since I heard Dr. Brennan was here, I thought I would say hello and ask her if there was anything she needed from us suits upstairs. BRENNAN: Oh, no, thank you, but it's nice to see you again, Agent Hacker. BOOTH: It's Assistant Director Hacker, Bones. HACKER: Andrew is fine. BOOTH: Andrew, cool. HACKER: For Dr. Brennan. I'm still your boss, Agent Booth, and since we're at work... BOOTH: Sure. HACKER: (to Brennan) I just want you to know I realize how busy you are being an author and scientist. Loved the last book, by the way. Not everyone can make crushing someone to death charming. BRENNAN: Thank you. HACKER: Well, the Bureau is grateful for all of your help and I hope that you're pleased with Agent Booth; he's the best we've got. BOOTH: Oh, I don't know about that... BRENNAN: I agree that statement is impossible to quantify, since there are no other agents, partnered with forensic anthropologists let alone, one with my abilities. BOOTH: You know what, Bones? You're raining on my parade. HACKER: Agent Booth, would you mind if I had a quick word in private with Dr. Brennan? BOOTH: Sure! No problem. (to Brennan) He probably wants a signed copy of your book. (to Hacker) Happens all time, no need to be embarrassed. (Cut to: Power Plant - Day. Brennan and Booth are getting out of the car, walking towards the crime scene)) BRENNAN: Director Hacker wants to have s*x with me. BOOTH: Oh! He said that. Wait! And it's Assistant Director. BRENNAN: Well, he said dinner, but the implication was clear. BOOTH: Okay, well, all you gotta do is just turned him down. You know, be very polite and nobody gets hurt. BRENNAN: But he is charming, good looking. Why would I turn him down? BOOTH: Well, because he's my boss, ok? It'd just be awkward. I'm the guy who's gotta report to him, Bones. (They meet up with Cam) CAM: The victim seems to have fried. Local cops think a radical environmental group did it. Last week, apparently they torched a Hummer. Sign was the same- "Big energy is killing the planet." BRENNAN: Seems to be a poor way to get sympathy for your cause. CAM: Ya think? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: So, the plant have security tapes? CAM: Your people are getting them now. First responders said the vic looks like a beef jerky. (Sweets shows up) SWEETS: Dr. Brennan, do you have a moment? BRENNAN: No, I'm at a crime scene. SWEETS: I called, but I guess you didn't get my messages. BOOTH: You know what, Sweets? This'd better be important. SWEETS: Daisy and I have been talking, and she'd like another chance to prove herself as your intern. CAM: And good-bye. I'm going to focus on Mr. Jerky. BRENNAN: I'm aware of your concerns, and I'll be the first to admit that Daisy is very unique. BOOTH: Okay, let me guess, let me guess. No s*x until you give her what she wants, right? Am I right? SWEETS: I realize she has impulse control issues... BRENNAN: She can't stop talking. She has no sense of personal space. SWEETS: ...but I've been teaching her some breathing techniques, and I'm confident... BOOTH: Guys, I got a dead body over there. BRENNAN: Yes, I have to work, Sweets. CAM: (over by the fence) I've never seen a burn like this before. Small stature, I estimate late teens, early 20s. If anyone's interested. SWEETS: I'd consider it a personal favor, Dr. Brennan. BOOTH: Ouch, personal favors are kind of like penalty shots. You kind of have to take 'em. Unlike dinner requests from your boss, which you are totally open to decline. BRENNAN: I- I will give Ms. Wick a 24-hour probationary period. SWEETS: Thank you. Thank you very much. (He smiles and give the thumbs up to Daisy - who starts bouncing in the car across the way) (Brennan goes over by the corpse and sniffs it.) BRENNAN: This victim wasn't electrocuted. CAM: That's what I thought, but the plant engineer said if there was a power surge... BRENNAN: (to Booth & Cam) Smell. (They all lean in to smell it) BOOTH: Whoa, it smells like Christmas. BRENNAN: It's frankincense and myrrh. This victim died over 3,000 years ago. This is an Egyptian mummy. BOOTH: Like a mummy? Like a real mummy? CAM: Well, a real mummy that appears to be covered in fresh blood, and given the trajectory, it's an arterial spurt, most likely from a stabbing, and this is a lot of blood. I doubt whether whoever it was survived. BRENNAN: Well, if it were a stabbing, the mummy had to be directly in front of the victim. BOOTH: So what are you saying? The mummy killed someone? (Opening Credits) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Brennan and Angela are walking in the hallway towards the Forensic Platform.) BRENNAN: Booth hasn't found any victims who were stabbed, no hospital or emergency room admissions. ANGELA: Okay, well, he also checked the National Stolen Art File, and there were no reports on missing mummies, but he's checking with individual museums and curators now. BRENNAN: If this mummy wasn't stolen from a known collection, it means it might be the product of an illegal tomb raid. That makes it a priceless anthropological find. ANGELA: Yeah, but is that worth killing for? BRENNAN: Well, it's a motive I can easily understand. (she swipes her card and enters the Platform where Cam, Hodgins and Daisy are examining the mummy's remains.) We have to identity the mummy to determine why someone would kill for it. DAISY: (talking excitedly) You are so brilliant, Dr. Brennan. Thank you for giving me - (she pauses, takes a breath, lowers her voice an octave and talks much slower) another chance, and I swear I will speak in a more modulated tone and then only when asked. BRENNAN: That's wise. HODGINS: Cam is running DNA and tox screen on the blood. ANGELA: Booth questioned those eco-terrorist freaks. They said they found the mummy when they went dumpster diving. Apparently, they thought it would be a good symbol. He said their story holds. HODGINS: I identified flakes of natron. It's a naturally occurring sodium carbonate decahydrate. It was used as a drying agent during the mummification process (Daisy raises her hand) in the second century B.C. DAISY: Permission to speak? HODGINS: Well, that lasted ten seconds. DAISY: Tissue condition confirms the mummy is a daddy... male. They let the females putrefy prior to mummification to discourage necrophilia. ANGELA: Ew and good. DAISY: Thank you. HODGINS: The weave pattern of the linen suggests this was a top-notch embalming. I mean, we may be talking about a pharaoh or a prince here. BRENNAN: Someone cracked open his chest cavity. DAISY: An area of compaction in the mummified tissue suggests something was stored in here. I forgot to raise my hand. I'm sorry. BRENNAN: And judging by the margins of the fractures, the thoracic area was opened quite recently. DAISY: Perhaps to remove whatever was stored inside. ANGELA: Buried treasure inside the mummy's chest? HODGINS: Pretty good motive to kill. BRENNAN: (giddy) I love ancient remains. I really do. (Hodgins & Angela look at her like she's gone crazy. She calms down, clears her throat and continues) There are particulates embedded in the compaction. HODGINS: Yep, I'm on it. (Brennan starts getting giddy again - Daisy joins her) BRENNAN: This could be a groundbreaking find. DAISY: We could be honored by the American Anthropological Association. BRENNAN: Most definitely. Our picture on the front of the journal. DAISY: Oh, I would love to see my mother's face then. (Angela and Hodgins just look at them, dumbfounded. Brennan collects herself, again, and continues) BRENNAN: There seems to be a separation between the C6 and C5 vertebrae. Some kind of wooden shaft is connecting the head to the spine. DAISY: Oh, let me see. (Hodgins and Angela look at each other as if to say: Are Brennan and Daisy seriously bonding?) (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Booth's Office. Booth on the phone. ) BOOTH: Hi, this is Special Agent Seeley Booth with the FBI, Dr. Malloy. This may sound a little strange, but we recovered a mummy that may be evidence in a homicide investigation, and...Okay, um, and you're sure that one hasn't disappeared? (Hacker enters.) Okay, great, thanks. (Booth hangs up the phone.) HACKER: Agent Booth. BOOTH: Assistant Director Hacker. HACKER: I just got a call from a Nobel Laureate who claims you dragged him out of bed to ask if he's missing a mummy. I assumed it was a crank call. BOOTH: No, no, investigating a potential homicide, sir. HACKER: And there's a mummy involved? BOOTH: Preliminary report. HACKER: Huh. So there is a potential mummy-related victim out there. BOOTH: Yeah, Bones is looking at the old guy for clues. HACKER: A mummy. (Booth nods) Damn, you field agents have all the fun. Good luck. BOOTH: Okay. HACKER: Oh, by the way, did Temperance mention that I asked her out? BOOTH: Uh, y-yeah, I think she may have said something like that. HACKER: I just wanted to make sure there's nothing going on between the two of you. I wouldn't want to get in the middle. BOOTH: No, nothing whatsoever, sir. Strictly professional. HACKER: Are you sure? BOOTH: Yeah, positive. HACKER: All right, then. I'll let you get back to pissing off Nobel Laureates. (Hacker leaves and Booth picks up the phone. He's obviously annoyed that Hacker is going out with Brennan) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Angela and Sweets are standing in front of a large screen - the movie, The Mummy, is playing.) ANGELA: Okay, so you're spying on Daisy. SWEETS: No, no, n-no, I'm just staying close in case an intervention is required. This screen is so awesome. ANGELA: I know, isn't it? SWEETS: Yeah. ANGELA: I thought you fixed her. SWEETS: I- it's a process. Karloff was a genius. You could feel the mummy's pain, you know. ANGELA: He was dead, Sweets. He felt no pain. SWEETS: Emotional pain - that never dies. ANGELA: Cheery thought. Thank you. (Cam enters.) CAM: Database has no match on the blood. Hodgins found some 3,000-year-old bugs, so he's all weepy. I hope Dr. B. can get the mummy to talk. (regarding the movie) Research, I assume. ANGELA: Yes, uh, sure. Imhotep is looking for the reincarnation of his ancient lover. This could be a motive. CAM: What are you doing here, Sweets? ANGELA: He's Daisy's trainer. If she attacks, he can put her down. (Brennan enters with the mummy's head.) BRENNAN: (clearing her throat) He was decapitated. Can you do a facial reconstruction? (she hands the tray to Angela.) Perhaps we can match his face to an Egyptian coffin painting. (looking at the screen) Oh, The Mummy, 1932. CAM: You don't know who Britney Spears is, but you know this movie. BRENNAN: It's the film that made me want to be an anthropologist. Although I prefer Chaney's Mummy to Karloff's. (Brennan leaves. Sweets, Cam & Angela look after her - amazed.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Brennan and Daisy are examining the remains.) BRENNAN: There's an extra metacarpal on the ulnar side, likely caused by the high incidence of inbreeding among Egyptian royals. DAISY: It could just be a single gene mutation. BRENNAN: Or it could be one feature of a syndrome of congenital anomalies. Bring up the X-rays of the forearm. There, the ulna is bowed. DAISY: Antley-Bixler syndrome - a recessive congenital disorder characterized by malformations of the skeleton and the skull. (Brennan grabs a book and starts thumbing through it - her excitement levels rising as Daisy continues to talk) DAISY: Flat forehead, elongation of the parietal and occipital regions. Oh, my God, he's 18th Dynasty. BRENNAN: Excellent, Ms. Wick, excellent. DAISY: I try, I do. (Brennan stops reading and looks up slowly) Dr. Brennan, are you okay? BRENNAN: (a smile spreads across her face) I know who the mummy is. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Brennan and Daisy come running in - obviously very excited about something.) BRENNAN: I identified the mummy. DAISY: I helped! (Sweets gives her a look) BRENNAN: It is a find that is certainly valuable enough to kill for. (she turns towards the screen) Oh. I love this part. (she starts to act out part of the movie and mimics the voice on screen) "And yet I shall awaken memories of love and crime and death." CAM: Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: Uh, of course. Sorry. His name is Anok, the Boy with the Bleeding Heart. He was the second son of the Pharaoh, and according to legend, Anok's older brother, Meti, fell off his horse and Anok trampled him to death to ensure that he would ascend to the throne. Anok insisted that his brother's Injuries were the result of the fall, but the Pharaoh didn't believe him and he went into a rage and he cut off Anok's head. He became known as the Boy with the Bleeding Heart because his grief was two-fold. Grief for the death of his brother, and grief for the loss of his father's love. ANGELA: And what does this have to do with the murder? DAISY: Anok is supposed to be here at the Jeffersonian, on loan from the Egyptian government. He's going on exhibit Friday. But I should have let Dr. Brennan tell you that. CAM: Why wasn't he reported missing? BRENNAN: I don't know. I - I've called Booth. We have to talk to the curator. (Brennan runs out.) DAISY: (to Sweets) Why are you here? SWEETS: Movie. I was just watching the movie. DAISY: So, I'm like some kind of experiment that you need to supervise? SWEETS: No. I just thought if you needed me... DAISY: Do I look stupid? Because I'm not, Lance. In fact, there's lots of people who think I'm scary smart. (she storms out) (to herself) Not about men, apparently. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Hallway. Booth and Brennan are being led to Dr. Kaswell's office by her assistant, Leland Frankel) LELAND FRANKEL: Her lab is upstairs on the right. Now, the Anok exhibit opens on Friday, so there's very little chance that Dr. Kaswell just let Anok get up and walk out of her lab. BRENNAN: Well, of course not. Reanimation, while extremely entertaining, is impossible. Cellular death is cellular death. BOOTH: Listen. When was the last time you saw Dr. Kaswell? FRANKEL: I guess a day or so. She's just been behind closed doors with Anok while I've been helping out with the dioramas, which have been a nightmare. In one scene, they painted a group of female musicians, and they have toes. BRENNAN: Toe differentiation in Egyptian art didn't happen until much later, particularly in women. FRANKEL: I know, right? BOOTH: (sarcastically) It's fascinating. FRANKEL: (knocking on a door) Dr. Kaswell? (to Brennan) She hates to be disturbed. (he knocks again) Dr. Kaswell! BOOTH: Just try the...(he tries to open the door) Oh, it's locked. FRANKEL: She's always here at this hour. Always. And she would never lock herself in. BRENNAN: We should get the key. BOOTH: (while kicking open the door) Of course. BRENNAN: (laughing) Ah, ha ha ha ha. BOOTH: Oh, look at that. It's a mummy's coffin. FRANKEL: Yes. Beautiful, isn't it? I can't believe she's not here. BRENNAN: Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: Look. It's blood. (Blood is dripping out of the coffin) BOOTH: Let me get this thing out. (Booth struggles) I got it. FRANKEL: Oh, please, be careful with that. It's priceless. BOOTH: Oh! FRANKEL: Dr. Kaswell. BOOTH: Yeah, that would have been my guess. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Cam, Hodgins and Brennan are examining Dr. Kaswell's body.) CAM: The FBI has locked down the Egyptian wing, looking for evidence. HODGINS: I can't believe Dr. Kaswell is dead. I just met her a couple months ago at a party. BRENNAN: She seemed nice. She was pleasant, but an unexceptional anthropologist and obviously quite careless. CAM: Perhaps, but it's sad nonetheless, Dr. Brennan, to lose one of our own here at the Jeffersonian. BRENNAN: Of course. HODGINS: Truth be told, we kind of flirted with each other... CAM: Not appropriate, Dr. Hodgins. Dr. Kaswell's blood's a match for the spray we found on the mummy. HODGINS: There are some metal flakes at the injury site. You say the word, I'll take them. BRENNAN: One moment. The weapon appears to have penetrated the eye and then entered the frontal lobe. There's damage to the superior orbital fissure and sphenoid. CAM: It must have lacerated the internal carotid artery. That would be consistent with the arterial spurt. BRENNAN: Given the injuries, the killer must have used a narrow, blunt-edged instrument. HODGINS: The metal shavings might help us identify the murder weapon. (Daisy come ups behind them, quietly. Raises her hand and clears her throat) BRENNAN: Speak, Ms. Wick. DAISY: I used phenolphthalein and hydrogen peroxide in Anok's open chest cavity. You can see blood traces in the compaction and evidence of a blunt-edged instrument used to gouge out whatever was hidden in his chest. I extracted some metal shavings for Dr. Hodgins. CAM: Perhaps the murderer used the same weapon that killed Dr. Kaswell to open Anok's chest. DAISY: Dr. Kaswell had been studying this mummy for weeks. She must have known what was inside his chest. BRENNAN: The Egyptian government wouldn't allow any invasive examination of Anok. CAM: And there was nothing in her notes? BRENNAN: Her notes were missing. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Booth's Office. Booth and Brennan are talking with Steven Turnbull.) BOOTH: So, you were overseeing the exhibit, Mr. Turnbull? STEVEN TURNBULL: Uh, administrating. I was the, uh, go-between, coordinating things with Dr. Kaswell and, of course, the Egyptian National Museum. BRENNAN: The Egyptians lent Anok to the Jeffersonian. TURNBULL: He survived 3,000 years in the Egyptian desert, but he couldn't make it two weeks in DC. BOOTH: Hmpf. BRENNAN: Dr. Kaswell's notes were missing. I assume she took notes. TURNBULL: Of course. She had to turn them all over to me so that I could give them to the Egyptians. That was part of the deal. BOOTH: Well, we're going to need all the notes that she gave you. TURNBULL: Of course. BRENNAN: Did she mention finding anything in Anok's chest? TURNBULL: Chest? No. Uh, no invasive examinations were approved by the Egyptians. BRENNAN: It's not uncommon for different departments to vie for funds for exhibits, is it, Mr. Turnbull? TURNBULL: Uh, no, but as you can attest, Dr. Brennan, scientists usually don't kill for them. BOOTH: Sure. I'm just curious...was anyone angry at Kaswell because she did get the funds? TURNBULL: I know - I know that Dr. Wheaton was upset. BRENNAN: (to Booth) He's head of Ancient Rome Culture and Artifacts. BOOTH: (to Turnbull) Well, why was he upset? TURNBULL: He wanted the funds to exhibit some new finds in Roman portraiture but Alex is a good man, a friend. I mean, he's a Little League coach, for God's sake. BRENNAN: Did he and Dr. Kaswell ever have words? TURNBULL: Everyone has disagreements. BOOTH: Well, not everyone winds up dead. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Room. Cam is just finishing up the autopsy on Dr. Kaswell. Angela is with her.) CAM: Heart like a marathon runner. She probably would have made it to 90 if this didn't happen. ANGELA: This poor woman. You know, she gave me a lift last month when my car broke down. CAM: Maybe there really is a curse. Messing with mummies...clearly not a good idea. ANGELA: When I was in Rio, some kid graffitied a mummy in the National Museum. The next day, choked on his own tongue. CAM: Seriously? ANGELA: "Death shall come on swift wings to he who disturbs the peace of the mummy." CAM: Well, I guess I'd be angry, too, if someone pulled my brain out through my nose and stuck it in a canopic jar. (Hodgins enters.) HODGINS: The urine of a redheaded boy. CAM: We need so much more than that. HODGINS: From the swab of Dr. Kaswell's eye. ANGELA: A redheaded boy peed on her eye? HODGINS: Well, not exactly. See this? The tool used to stab Dr. Kaswell left traces of iron and carbon. And, to a lesser extent, silicon, manganese and phosphorous. ANGELA: Any of those things scream "pee"? CAM: Not that I'm aware. HODGINS: Ancient metal workers turned iron into steel by accident. They accidentally carburized the iron while heating it over charcoal, thus turning it into low-grade steel. But they thought that it was the mode of quenching the molten metal that hardened it. CAM: The redheaded boy pees on the molten metal. HODGINS: The iron turns to steel and our ancient metal worker figured that the little redhead did the trick. It's an instant old wives' tale. ANGELA: Wait. I didn't know they had redheads in Ancient Egypt. HODGINS: They didn't. It was Ancient Rome. Our murder weapon was forged in Ancient Rome. (Cut to: Booth's Car. Brennan is reading over a file while Booth is driving.) BRENNAN: Dr. Wheaton's department has a very extensive collection of Roman tools. Chisels, lathes, planes, files. BOOTH: Eggheads killing each other over exhibits no one really wants to see. BRENNAN: The King Tut exhibit was immensely popular. BOOTH: Look, Bones, the only thing that regular people learn from going to a museum is how to sleep standing up. All right? Pretty simple. So, I did a little checking on Hacker, by the way; 42, never been married. Just in case you're interested. BRENNAN: Late marriage is often an indicator of a discerning, goal-oriented individual. Why is this a problem for you, Booth? BOOTH: Ah, because he's my boss. That's all. And if you're going to go out with Hacker, then you guys are going to talk about me. BRENNAN: Why would I talk about you? BOOTH: Because I'm what you've got in common. BRENNAN: If you're concerned that I'd discuss any perceived shortcomings - BOOTH: Shortcomings? What shortcomings? BRENNAN: Honestly, Booth, Andrew and I are attracted to each other. I'm sure neither of us will think of you for a second. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Eqyptology Department. Brennan and Booth confront Dr. Wheaton.) DR. WHEATON: Trust me, Agent Booth. I had no quarrel with Dr. Kaswell. BOOTH: Really? Because, according to witnesses, you were arguing with her in the middle of the Titan exhibit. BRENNAN: He means Titian. Titian was a 16th century Renaissance painter from the Italian school, Booth. Titans were ancient Greek gods... DR. WHEATON: Okay. I yelled at Dr. Kaswell. Leslie was gloating because she got the funding and I didn't. I'm human. I got angry. BOOTH: Okay, so stealing her beef jerky man was just some way of wrecking her exhibit and seeking revenge, but things, they just got out of hand, and before you know it... BRENNAN: A gouge is missing, Dr. Wheaton. An early steel scalprum. DR. WHEATON: I, uh... I don't know where that went. I've been asking the doctoral candidates. They have access to these tools for research. BRENNAN: 25 centimeters long, blunt end. Two centimeters wide. That could definitely be the murder weapon. BOOTH: Oh. Where were you Monday night? DR. WHEATON: Here, working. I don't have to say any more. If you have evidence, arrest me. I have work to do. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Ookey Room. Angela and Hodgins are talking while he looks at particulates) ANGELA: Isn't it weird that 3,000 years ago, Anok was a real guy, 24 years old - like Sweets - living his life and falling in love? HODGINS: Yep. Bet he didn't know his afterlife was going to consist of being dissected and analyzed, like what he really is... just a mere mass of chemicals. ANGELA: Yeah, that was the romantic notion I was going for. Thank you. DAISY: Dr. Brennan wanted me to check on those particulate swabs from the mummy's chest cavity. Not that I'm trying to rush you or anything. ANGELA: Is everything okay, Daisy? HODGINS: Oh, I can't believe you asked that. DAISY: Lance and I had a little disagreement. He's overbearing and untrusting and I'm evaluating the future of our relationship. You're so good to ask. We're close, aren't we? HODGINS: (interrupting) Hey, look what I found. Three different particulates within the chest cavity. We got crushed mammal bone, kermes insect and woad legume. ANGELA: Animal, vegetable and mineral. DAISY: Actually, that would be two animals and a vegetable because bone is organic, not a mineral. ANGELA: Oh, my God. The three particulates are totally different but they're actually the exact same thing. (Angela leaves. Daisy & Hodgins are confused.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform.) ANGELA: Woad, kermes insect and bone were all used by the Ancient Egyptians to make paint. I learned this when I was in art school. Bone for white, kermes insect for red and woad for indigo. HODGINS: So we just can't make out the colors anymore because of decomp? ANGELA: Right. DAISY: Dr. Brennan thought perhaps the compaction was left by a canopic jar. ANGELA: No. They didn't paint those. They weren't important. It would have been like painting Tupperware. HODGINS: Yeah, but something was painted. What would have been painted? DAISY: And why did somebody hide it inside his body? ANGELA: Well, it must have been important and it needed to last forever. So, if I can scan the cavity and find out where the paint seeped into the different tissues, I might be able to reconstruct what was in Anok's chest. (Cam and a woman approach the platform) CAM: This is Azita Jabbari from the Egyptian National Museum. AZITA JABBARI: Turn off that light. What? Wait a minute. We just discovered... AZITA JABBARI: We have not authorized any invasive or investigative procedures on Anok. CAM: Ms. Jabbari wants her mummy back. AZITA JABBARI: "The Boy With the Bleeding Heart" goes back to Cairo. Today. Unless you would like to start a feud between our two governments. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's Office. Azita is arguing with Cam & Brennan.) AZITA JABBARI: Anok is a national treasure on loan to your country. According to our agreement, we can revoke the permit at any time. BRENNAN: I understand your government's concern, but he's safe in our Medico-Legal Lab. The low humidity and temperature in the lab are optimum conditions. AZITA JABBARI: Dr. Brennan, with all due respect, you have no legal grounds to keep him. CAM: Yes, we do. Anok is evidence in a murder investigation. Whoever killed Dr. Kaswell stole something from inside the mummy. Any idea what was inside that was worth killing for? AZITA JABBARI: Have you examined the CAT scans? BRENNAN: What CAT scans? AZITA JABBARI: A few days ago, I granted Dr. Kaswell's request to perform CAT scans on Anok. The films should be in Dr. Kaswell's files. BRENNAN: Dr. Kaswell's lab was searched. The files are missing. AZITA JABBARI: Then ask the young man who worked for Dr. Kaswell. He sent the request. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth & Brennan are talking with Leland Frankel) BOOTH: (reading from a paper) "I work for Dr. Kaswell at the Jeffersonian Institution, and I'm writing to request autobiographical information on the man who funded the exhumation of Anok's tomb." I checked with the museum. You never worked with Dr. Kaswell. FRANKEL: That's why I'm here? BOOTH: Well, that and other reasons. She was murdered, so start talking. FRANKEL: Okay, technically, I did not work for her but Dr. Kaswell did agree to be my doctoral advisor at the antiquities graduate program at Georgetown. BRENNAN: Very impressive. FRANKEL: Thank you. I'm very bright. BOOTH: Okay, Bright Boy, let's just stay on point, shall we? FRANKEL: As soon as I got to D.C., Dr. Kaswell said that she did not have the time for me anymore, that she was too busy prepping the Anok exhibit but I knew all about Anok. I even wrote a paper on him as an undergrad. BOOTH: It pissed you off, didn't it, that she wouldn't let you help? FRANKEL: No. Booth: No? FRANKEL: Okay, yes but not enough to kill her. I signed up as a museum intern so I could prove my value to her. BRENNAN: You thought if you helped her with her work, she might change her mind about advising you. FRANKEL: It was my idea to do the CAT scans on Anok. She thought it was an excellent suggestion. BRENNAN: So, you saw the films? FRANKEL: No, I didn't even know if she followed through but I would have killed to see those images. BOOTH: Excuse me? FRANKEL: But I didn't. (Cut to: Founding Father's Bar. Brennan and Hacker are on their date. You hear Brennan laughing.) BRENNAN: Usually all you find in a mummy's torso are pounded perfumes. HACKER: Yeah, that's all I've ever found. Once a sandwich, but of course, it was stale. BRENNAN: You found a sand...? Oh. You're joking. (laughing) That's, that's funny. A sandwich, because it's, it's highly unlikely to find one in a mummy. Did I tell you that Anok has six fingers? Also highly unlikely, so perhaps there is a sandwich in him. HACKER: You know, - no joke - I have an uncle with four toes. BRENNAN: Frostbite or lawnmower? HACKER: You are good. Lawn mowing accident. He was watching a playoff game while cutting the lawn. He had no regrets, though. Said it was a great game. BRENNAN: Okay. HACKER: So, uh, what do you want to eat after this appetizing conversation? BRENNAN: Uh, Booth likes to get the meatloaf. He has them take out the hard boiled egg, because his mother used to tell him it was a human eyeball. HACKER: I got to say - you and Booth - it's an unlikely partnership. BRENNAN: I prefer not to talk about Booth, if you don't mind. HACKER: That's fine by me. You're a far more interesting topic. BRENNAN: I'd like to know the story behind your guitar. Not many FBI Directors have a Stratocaster in their office. HACKER: I'm impressed. You know a Stratocaster. BRENNAN: Yes. I had a victim who was beaten to death with one but it still played. It is an excellent instrument. (She receives a text message) Oh. Sorry. (she checks it) I'm so sorry. They need me back at the lab. HACKER: You're investigating a murder. That tends to take precedence over meatloaf. (She gets up to leave) BRENNAN: Well, Friday night dinner on me? HACKER: Sure, and I will then reveal the secret of the Stratocaster. BRENNAN: All right. (she leans over and gives him a kiss on the cheek) Bye. HACKER: Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office.) ANGELA: Hey. How could you not tell me that you were on a date when I texted you? BRENNAN: It was just drinks. ANGELA: Celibate. Seeking crumbs. Spill. BRENNAN: He's Booth's boss's boss. His name is Andrew. ANGELA: Wait. This is his boss's boss? Was Booth upset? BRENNAN: Yes. I don't know why. ANGELA: Brennan, this could screw up the natural order of things. And Booth wishes that you were going out with him. BRENNAN: Well, I drink with him all the time but with Andrew, there's the potential for s*x. ANGELA: And not with Booth? (Brennan avoids the question by changing the subject) BRENNAN: You-you said there was something important you wanted me to see? ANGELA: Yes. BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. ANGELA: The paint residue was found inside the compacted area in Anok's chest. Now, I laid a grid over that area. Next, Hodgins inspected each section of the grid for chemical residue, assigning values based on our color differential. It was kind of like paint by numbers. (Brennan looks at her, she has no idea what she's talking about) Okay. Anyway, bone for white, kermes insect for red, and wode for indigo. Okay, now I reshaped, refined and cropped the edges. And finally, I removed the grid. BRENNAN: Hieroglyphs. ANGELA: Yeah. A negative impression. Because they were left by the object that was hidden inside the chest. BRENNAN: Ange, very good. ANGELA: I know, right? Next, we take the object out and we look on the bottom and we have the positive image of the hieroglyphs. BRENNAN: Amazing, but many of these characters are incomplete. ANGELA: Yeah. Well, some of the paint residue had faded too much and couldn't be retrieved. BRENNAN: But if we can decipher this, it could tell us what was inside. ANGELA: I know. (Angela gives her a look meaning that she wants to continue their prior conversation but Brennan acts oblivious) ANGELA: s*x? BRENNAN: (amused) Print this out and send it to Dr. Babajanian in Ancient Languages. (Brennan starts to head towards the door) ANGELA: Oh, come on, Brennan. Be a pal. I need a vicarious thrill. Please? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Room. Cam is taking a slice of Dr. Kaswell's brain to examine it closer. Sweets enters.) CAM: Dr. Sweets. SWEETS: I was looking for Daisy. CAM: Haven't seen her. SWEETS: Looks like you're making carpaccio. CAM: This is Dr. Kaswell's brain. SWEETS: Oh, God, I'm sorry. Oh. Okay, uh, Dr. Saroyan, I'm having some serious problems with Daisy. Can I ask your advice? CAM: No. SWEETS: No? Really? CAM: Really. I have a 16-year-old and believe me, when it comes to dating advice, I am batting a red hot zero. SWEETS: But you've been through this, like, a million times yourself. CAM: Did you just call me old? SWEETS: Is that what it felt like? CAM: Yeah. SWEETS: You see? I can't help it. I alienate every woman I talk to, no matter how pure my motives. CAM: All right, give me a ballpark. No specifics. I don't want specifics. SWEETS: The woman I love won't speak to me. CAM: You are an excellent shrink. You know you can help people, but Daisy's not people. She's the person you love, the person you have to trust. If Daisy's gonna screw up, you have to let her. It'll show her you have faith in her. SWEETS: Yeah. That's superb advice. CAM: It was kind of good, wasn't it? SWEETS: I thought I was taking care of her, but you're absolutely right. I- I was just insulting her. Thank you. CAM: No problem. SWEETS: (he reaches out his arms to hug her) Oh! CAM: And now we're done. (he hugs her tighter) Done. Ooh! Dr. Sweets, you're crushing me and I think you're getting brain on your suit. Brain. SWEETS: Hmm? Hmm. (Daisy enters.) DAISY: Well, this just gets more and more interesting, doesn't it? SWEETS: Oh, no. It was a friendship hug. CAM: And an uncomfortable one. You need something, Ms. Wick? DAISY: Um, a courier just dropped off the memory chip from the CAT scan machine Dr. Kaswell used to image Anok. Angela's looking at it now. CAM: Oh. Thank you. (Cam leaves) DAISY: You don't need to spy. I'm fine. And I don't need those stupid breathing exercises. SWEETS: Okay. I'm sorry. You know, I never meant to... DAISY: I'm - I'm quite busy, Lance. I have a murder to solve and I'm sure you have ink blots to show somebody. (She storms out, leaving Sweets feeling even more terrible) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office ) ANGELA: There's the embedded object. HODGINS: Based on the density of the image, it's most likely Nile stone. DAISY: What's that in the center? CAM: Can you enhance it? HODGINS: It's crystalline in structure. It's a corundum in the trigonal crystal system and the hexagonal scalenohedral class. DAISY: A mineral of some sort? HODGINS: If the CAT scan were in color, it'd be red and really expensive. CAM: A ruby. ANGELA: Yeah, a giant ruby. CAM: It's right where Anok's heart would be. DAISY: Anok's bleeding heart must refer to the ruby. HODGINS: A stone that size would be worth a fortune. DAISY: Only someone who saw the CAT scan would've known about this. HODGINS: Hey, Dr. Kaswell's grad student... I mean, he's the one that requested the scans. CAM: Booth cleared him. He was working on dioramas at time of death but Azita Jabbari, she knew about them, too. She gave permission to have them done. HODGINS: Yeah, and she tried to get Anok taken away from us before we could finish investigating. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth & Brennan are talking with Azita Jabbari) AZITA JABBARI: This is insane. I have devoted my life to preserving my country's antiquities. BRENNAN: You knew about the CAT scan. You had access to the mummy. AZITA JABBARI: I didn't know about the ruby, and if I did, I would have insisted on additional security. That ruby is a national treasure. I am holding you responsible for losing it. BOOTH: Where were you three nights ago when Dr. Kaswell was murdered? AZITA JABBARI: In Los Angeles. There was a fund-raiser at The Egyptian Theatre. I know it's tacky, but the Ambassador wanted me there. I am sure that counts as an alibi? (they know it does.) You said you found hieroglyphs in his chest. I would like to see them. BRENNAN: An expert from the Jeffersonian is studying them. (She hands her a copy of the hieroglyphs) AZITA JABBARI: I am one of the foremost scholars on ancient hieroglyphs. These are incomplete. BRENNAN: We know. They are remnants from the paintings on the box that contained the ruby. AZITA JABBARI: This is a signature. This is a message from the Pharaoh's wife. BOOTH: Ah, a note from his mom. AZITA JABBARI: Yes, exactly. "My heart bleeds for my guiltless son." BRENNAN: Guiltless. She didn't think that Anok killed his brother, Meti? BOOTH: Look, no mother wants to believe her son is guilty of murder. That hasn't changed in 3,000 years. BRENNAN: This could change history. We now have the ability to determine Meti's cause of death. (Brennan gets up and starts gathering the file) I can have his remains brought from the Natural History Museum in New York. AZITA JABBARI: (getting up) I would like to assist. BRENNAN: Of course. BOOTH: (Cutting Brennan off) Whoa, whoa, how's that gonna help us catch Kaswell's killer? BRENNAN: Well, it won't, but it could exonerate Anok. There can be no time limit for justice, Booth. BOOTH: Bones, Dr. Kaswell's killer is out there now. We're running out of suspects. BRENNAN: You'll do it, Booth. You always do. I'll call New York. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Booth's Office. Hacker walks into Booth's office, Booth enters a few seconds later - carrying a cup of coffee.) BOOTH: Hey, boss. HACKER: How's the case going? BOOTH: Not solved yet but, uh, you're not here for that, are you? HACKER: I just wanted to say you're doing a great job. Truly exceptional work. BOOTH: Sir, if we would just kill the compliments and just say what's on your mind, I'd appreciate that. HACKER: Right. Let's drop the agent/boss thing for a minute. (Hacker sits down) BOOTH: Sure. HACKER: It's been a while since I've met someone, you know, special and, uh, oh, hell, I just don't want to make a fool out of myself if Temperance is only going out with me 'cause I'm the boss. BOOTH: Right. Listen, Sir, Bones doesn't feel the pressure to act or do or say anything that she doesn't want to and no one, no one can make her. That what makes her... Bones. HACKER: (relieved) Okay, thanks, really. BOOTH: No problem. (Hacker starts to walk towards the door.) HACKER: Listen, next time you're at the Founding Fathers, you should try the meatloaf with the egg. You'll like it; tastes nothing like a human eye. (Booth is angry. Brennan did exactly what he didn't want her to do - she talked to Hacker about him.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Ookey Room. Hodgins is looking for particulates on Anok's linen wrapping while Daisy watches.) HODGINS: Maybe we missed particulates from the killer on the mummy's linen wrapping. DAISY: He was found in a dumpster, so he'd be covered in particulates. HODGINS: Yes, but we'd be looking for something non-dumpster related. DAISY: Of course. Never give up. Was I too hard on Lance? HODGINS: Focus, Daisy. DAISY: Okay, but you're a man. Lance is so cute, isn't he? HODGINS: Yeah, that'd be a question for a woman. DAISY: I mean, someone that cute isn't malicious. He can't be. HODGINS: You really don't need me for this conversation, do you? Oh, wait, wait, wait. I think I found something here. DAISY: A probative particulate? HODGINS: No, a grease spot. Most likely a fingerprint. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's Office. Brennan is seated at her desk when Booth walks in, carrying an egg. He places it on the desk in front of her. He's annoyed.) BRENNAN: Ooh, what's this? BOOTH: What does it look like? BRENNAN: An egg. BOOTH: And when was the last time you recently talked about an egg? BRENNAN: (realizing) Oh. BOOTH: Oh. BRENNAN: (defending her action) Well, he asked me what was good to eat, and I mentioned that you liked the meatloaf. BOOTH: Stop right there. You said you weren't going to talk about me, and you talked about me. BRENNAN: But I - I didn't mean to talk about you. I told him I didn't want to but, you know, I like that story and I guess it just popped out. BOOTH: Popped out? I don't need Hacker knowing about my mother's meatloaf. BRENNAN: Why are you so upset? BOOTH: Because... what goes on between us is ours. BRENNAN: Come on, Booth, you must've told a lot of people the meatloaf story, right? (Booth just stares at her and she realizes that this is something that he's only shared with her. She's betrayed his trust but before she can say anything, Hodgins enters.) HODGINS: So, I got a print off the linen. Had your people run it through the database. BOOTH: You get a name? HODGINS: Yeah, Alexander Wheaton. BRENNAN: The Director of Roman Antiquities. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth is talking with Dr. Alexander Wheaton) BOOTH: You want evidence? (he throws a file down on the table) We found your evidence. DR. WHEATON: This is ridiculous. I didn't kill Dr. Kaswell. BOOTH: You were in the building, Doc, your fingerprint was on the priceless mummy. DR. WHEATON: Well, there's been some kind of mistake. I would never have touched something that valuable without being gloved, and Leslie would never have allowed it. Wait a minute, I know what happened. BOOTH: Hmm, okay. So, what happened, Doc? I'm waiting. I'm all ears. DR. WHEATON: I did go to see her that night. Uh, I'd been a jerk, jealous about her getting the grant money. We'd been friends for years; I wanted to apologize. We made up, and she wanted to show me Anok, you know, scientist to scientist. She opened Anok's coffin and the mummy slipped. I- I reached out to stop it. It was just a reflex. BOOTH: Did she show you the CAT scans? DR. WHEATON: Yes. BOOTH: Ha. DR. WHEATON: ..but she swore me to secrecy. It was such an important find, I wasn't going to betray her trust. BOOTH: Right, then after you saw them, the mummy vanishes with your fingerprint, your friend dies, and these scans, they just disappear. DR. WHEATON: No, the scans were in her notes. She showed them to me before she submitted them. BOOTH: The scans that were supposed to be submitted to Dr. Steven Turnbull? DR. WHEATON: He was the administrator, yes. They'd be in the notes he turned over to you. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Parking Garage. Booth and Brennan are walking towards Turnbull's parking spot) BRENNAN: He deliberately withheld the scans. BOOTH: Well, destroyed them is more likely. Okay, Turnbull's spot is number ten. So, if he did it, he probably put the mummy in his car, and he took off with it. BRENNAN: I can't imagine anyone destroying an artifact like that, especially a scholar like Turnbull. I was going to call him to talk to him about my work with Meti. (They see a guy, Rodney, cleaning the interior of the car.) BOOTH: Steven Turnbull's vehicle here? RODNEY: Yeah, that's right. BOOTH: Shut that off there, will you, Bones? (she turns off the vacuum) All right, can you step out of the car? FBI. BRENNAN: You could be destroying evidence. RODNEY: Oh, man! Another drug dealer? It's not my fault. I do a good job, so word of mouth, it gets around and the peop- BOOTH: (cutting him off) Is he a regular customer of yours? (Brennan looks inside the vacuum) RODNEY: No. He saw my ad at the laundromat. BOOTH: At the Laun...No wonder you have nothing but drug dealers coming to you. BRENNAN: Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? Would you just stand over there? Right over there, Rodney. BRENNAN: (pointing to the inside of the vacuum) Take a whiff. BOOTH: (leans in, sniffs.) Smells like Christmas. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth & Brennan are interrogating Steven Turnbull) TURNBULL: I saw the CAT scans. I was gonna to sneak in, take the ruby and close him up again but Leslie came back. We argued. You know, I lost my retirement in the market. No one even knew that ruby was in there. She shouldn't have gotten in the way. BOOTH: (sarcastically) Yeah, it was her fault. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Storage Room.) SWEETS: Hey, what you doing? DAISY: My work. Dr. Brennan and I found cause of death for Meti. He's act- SWEETS: (interrupting) Look, Daisy, I should've had more faith in you. I just, I knew how important this was and I always want you to get everything that you want and anytime you don't, it kills me. DAISY: Really? SWEETS: You know, by looking over your shoulder, it only makes people think that you can't do things. And you can. You-You're brilliant. DAISY: Certainly well above average. Okay, brilliant. SWEETS: You know, Dr. Brennan was very impressed by you. DAISY: She said that? SWEETS: Unsolicited. You're so beautiful, Daisy and I promise that if you ever fail in the future, I will do absolutely nothing but just give ya a hug. DAISY: That's the nicest thing you ever said to me and I really do love the breathing exercises. So... do you want to be my Lance-a-lot again? SWEETS: RAWR! DAISY: You know that drives me crazy. SWEETS: RAWR! (Daisy jumps on Sweets, rips his shirt open and kisses him. They fall to the ground and continue to make out) (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Anok and Meti Exhibit. Brennan is leading Booth down the stairs. They're both dressed to the nines.) BOOTH: Bones, we're not supposed to be down here yet. BRENNAN: You're with me, Booth. This is my find. You're not gonna get into trouble. (the approach a circular spot on the floor) Don't, don't step on that! BOOTH: Why? God, this is so cool! (Brennan chuckles) Wow. So, he wasn't trampled by his brother? BRENNAN: No. Meti suffered from osteogenesis imperfecta, otherwise known as brittle bone disease. Meti's fall from his horse killed him; Anok was innocent. His mother was right. BOOTH: So it only took 3,000 years for someone to hear her. You know, I'll tell you what. If I was Egypt, I'd throw you a party, too. BRENNAN: (she smiles, then a beat later.) I have to speak. I hate these things. BOOTH: What are you talking about, Bones? You're great at these things. Listen, you changed history. How many people can say that? (During the next few lines, Booth and Brennan keep moving closer to one another) BRENNAN: You can. Every arrest you make changes history. You make the world safer. BOOTH: With your help. So, Andrew...I thought you were going to take him to this thing. That's what he told me. BRENNAN: I was, yes, but...you and I - this was our case and I guess...what goes on between us, that should just be ours. Isn't that what you said? BOOTH: Yeah. (And then there's a moment where you think that the two of them are finally going to kiss when they hear the murmurings of Angela, Hodgins, Cam, Sweets & Daisy - who then appear at the top of the staircase.) ANGELA: Come on, you two. The Ambassador is about to speak. (The rest of the group heads back up the stair, leaving Booth & Brennan alone again. They have another moment - she adjusts his tie and he pushes a strand of hair behind her shoulder.) BOOTH: Thanks. (They turn and walk back up the stairs to go to the party, together.) END.

Brennan and Booth are called to investigate what appears to be charred human remains on an electrical fence. The mysterious corpse is later determined to be a mummified Egyptian royal on loan to the Jeffersonian. The anthropological mystery has Brennan in a tizzy, and when the Jeffersonian curator prepping the mummy for exhibition is murdered, the team suspects foul play. Brennan's investigation of the curator sheds new light on the life of the Egyptian royal, turning their case into one of historic proportions. Meanwhile, Brennan goes on a date with Booth's supervisor and former intern, and Sweets' girlfriend Daisy Wick returns to the Jeffersonian.

fd_Friday_Night_Lights_04x04

fd_Friday_Night_Lights_04x04_0

Hey, you got a boyfriend? No. Why? 'cause that's the guy that should be doing all this, Giving you rides everywhere. Maybe it'd be more efficient if you were my boyfriend. Got Luke here, a new player. Y'all make sure that he is welcome. You're a long way from home, boy. I guess so. I'm Julie, Matt's girlfriend. So you're the ball and chain that keeps dragging him down. Do you think I'm holding you back? No, you're the most important thing in my life. If you can't finish games, I can't keep this program going. You turn it around, or we gonna shut it down. [ cheering ] Vince howard puts the lions on the board For their first touchdown. [ cheering ] Sammy Meade: (on the radio) It's still a sad state of affairs for the Panthers. In a single week, the team got a forfeit on the books and a great player, Luke Cafferty, shipped out of school. Callers you say what? Caller: Sammy, I gotta correct you on something. That Cafferty kid wasn't shipped out. He was hand delivered by principal Taylor to East Dillon - her husband's team. And everybody knows it! ( Tami just shakes her head in disgust. ) [INT. East Dillon - Faculty Break Room] ( Eric walks in and heads to the coffee machine. Levi and other faculty are sitting at the table. ) Levi: Taylor. Eric: Morning, Levi. Levi: I see you finished a game last Friday. Way to go! Sis-boom-bah. Rah-Rah-Rah. Eric: Hey, Levi. Pep rallies. Levi: Mm...hm. Eric: Build excitement. They're good for the school, good for the team. Levi: Pep ralies don't cost, correct? Eric: Nope. Levi: (packing up his stuff) Good. Don't let me get in your way. ( Eric watches him go. ) [INT. Pizza Restaurant] ( Julie and Matt are sitting at the table while Julie types something on her laptop. ) Matt: Come on, how much re-typing do you gotta do? Just put your test scores in, tell them how awesome you are and we can move along. Julie: It's too long. I have to cut it down at least by half. ( Matt sighs, put-out. ) Julie: Did you hear that Brown used to make you hand write your essays? Matt: Wow. Well, that's so they can weed out the serial killers. ( She laughs. ) Matt: So what's the, uh, the final list of schools? Julie: Mm... UC Berkley, UCSB, Brown, Amherst... Um, Mount Holyoke, NYU, U.T. Austin - (she throws up her fingers into a horn) Hook 'em horns. ( He just sits and watches her, look sad and frustrated. ) [EXT. East Dillon Football Field] ( Practice is in session. ) Stan: Fumble. Assistant Coach: Good splits, good splits. Come off the ball, now. Come off the ball! Eric: Step up! Come on up! Player: Oh, man! Assistant Coach: Fumble! Come on now, Five. Eric: Get it together out there. Luke: Do you know how to read the 'D Man' Vince: The defensive end didn't move Luke: He did move! Vince: Next time give me the ball and get out of my way. Coach: Come here. Shut up! Shut your mouth. Come here. (to Luke) You read the end. (to Vince) You stay in the pitch lane. You keep your personal crap off this field. And you quit letting me down and quit letting the team down. Cuz we are all getting tired of it. Is that understood? Luke: Yes, sir. Vince: Yes, sir. Eric: Let's go now. Come on. Assistant Coach: Come on, in the huddle. Good fake in there, let's go! Vince: What the hell? You trying to be funny? Luke: I don't understand. Why aren't you in the end zone? I got out of your way. ( Stan and the Asst. Coach break them up. Clearly Coach's words went in one ear and out the other. ) Vince: You're my problem right now. Luke: No you're the problem Assistant Coach: That's enough! ( Eric looks over to see a rusted out sign that reads "Dillon High 1983 State Champions" ) ( Don't you just love our theme song?? ) [INT. Mindy and Billy's House] ( Mindy and Tim hanging at the table when Tim bursts in carrying rifles. ) Tim: Yeah! Deer and beer, here we come. Two days away. Let's get after it, Billy. Mindy: What the hell are you doing? This is how accidents happen. Tim: Minds, I don't think they're loaded. We're fine. Billy: No, Tim. Put 'em in the corner or something, alright. She's not supposed to have any stress right now. Tim: Where's the gun cleaner? Mindy: Why do you have to clean your guns? Tim: Wait. Billy: What are you doing? Tim: You didn't tell her did you? Mindy: I totally see now. So y'all just get to go hunting and get drunk and leave me here by myself. Billy: No, no, no. Mindy: I have an ultrasound this week. Billy: I understand that and I want to be there for that ultra... Mindy: So I just get to shove this fat ass behind a steering wheel and drive myself to the doctor. Is that what's going to happen? Billy: Honey, I will be there for that ultrasound, okay? Timmy and I can go hunting anytime. Tim: No we can't. That's why it's called 'hunting season', Billy. Billy: Seriously, I'm gonna put your head through a wall. Would you shut up? ( Tim shots his brother a 'whatever' look and struts out carrying his two rifles while Billy throws his head back in frustration. ) [EXT. East Dillon Football Field] ( Practice ends. ) [INT. East Dillon Lions Locker Room] ( Luke is changing and realizes he can't find his wallet. ) Luke: All right, jokers. Who took my wallet? Player: I don't know man. Luke: Seriously. It's not funny. Vince: You know what I do when I lose something? I retrace my steps. Maybe that's what you should do. Player: Yeah. Vince: Retrace 'em. Luke: I didn't lose it. It was in my locker and now it's missing. Vince: I mean, you want us to get together? We can help you look for it if you want. Luke: Cut the crap. Seriously. I'm not going to tell you again. Give me my wallet back. Vince: You're so sure I took it. Luke: Mmm..hmm. Vince: (he slams his own locker shut) Go on and get it then. ( Luke moves to Vince's locker when Vince intercepts him, team moves in to stop the fight. ) Players: Whoa! Vince: Get off! [INT. Coach's Office] ( Luke and Vince are standing in front of Coach's desk. ) Eric: I've got a pep rally to organize. I've got papers to grade. I've got a family to raise. I've got a wife to love. And then I've got you two Bozos - trying to teach you two something you seem just damn determined not to learn. (to Luke) What makes you think he took your wallet? Luke: It's obvious, Coach. Eric: It's obvious. Well, you're gonna make a hell of a lawyer, aren't you? (to Vince) Do you know where his wallet is? Vince: No, sir. Eric: You don't know where his wallet is. Luke: This is a bunch of bull, Coach. Eric: Hey, Coach Crawley! Assistant Coach: Yes, sir. Eric: Coach, would you take these two gentlemen to the gymnasium. Have them run those stairs for the next thirty minutes or until a wallet shows up. Whichever one might come first. Assistant Coach: You bet. Eric: Thank you, Coach. Y'all enjoy. Assistant Coach: Come on, boys. ( They boys follow Crawley outside. ) Eric: (removes his hat) Ja'gummit. [INT. Pizza Parlor] ( Tim's boxing up pizza when Tim wanders in to collect his pizza pie. ) Tim: Seven. Matt: Riggs, what's up? Tim: Slinging dough instead of sixty yard bombs now, huh? No Chicago? Matt: Nah, kinda felt like I should stay here and take care of my grandma. Tim: Right. Matt: No San Antonio? Tim: Negative. Matt: What else is new? Tim: You playing any ball? Matt: No, not really. Been working with this artist on some art stuff. Yeah. And working here, you know. Tim: Right. Matt: You gonna be watching any football this weekend? ( Matt sets his pizza down in the box and before he can close it, Tim removes a slice. ) Tim: No, I'm going hunting this weekend, my friend. Matt: Oh, yeah? Tim: Get me some white tail. Maybe wrestle down some boars. Matt: Nice. Tim: That's my weekend. Matt: All right. Tim: Anyways, it's good to see you. Matt: You too, buddy. Tim: Let's go for a beer sometime. Matt: Yeah, sure. ( Tim starts to leave when Matt calls him back. ) Matt: Hey, Riggins, actually um... Is it cool if maybe I go hunting with you this weekend? Tim: You hunt? Matt: Well, I mean, my dad took me a couple of times when I was little. Tim: Thursday morning, 5:15. Matt: All right. Tim: See you there. Matt: Yeah, man. Tim: Thank you. [INT. East Dillon High Hallway] ( Jess is walking with two of her friends when she spots Landry walking with Devin. ) Jess: It's nasty. Friend: It's nothing but used goods. Jess: Landry! Landry: Hey, what's going on? You know, Dev. Jess: Hello. Devin: Hi. Jess: Hi. Landry: How are you doing? Jess: You have a car. (she looks at Devon) He hit me with it. Landry: Yeah, everyone knows... Devin: I heard about it. Landry: Yeah, we all know about it. Jess: I think you should use that car to drop me and my friends off to this party in Kilroy tomorrow. Yeah. Landry: That's an idea. ( Devin gives him a 'haven't you been this guy before' look. ) Landry: Although, I think I might have to decline because I've kinda been down that road before where a girl asks me to do something and I just kinda say yes...And then everyone's calling me a word that I don't like to use... Jess: You're invited to the party. (looks at Devin) You are, too. Landry: Oh, I didn't. You could have just said that to begin with... Devin: Thank you for the invitation. Jess: So you cool? You wanna come? Landry: Yeah. I think that sounds great. Jess: Yeah? Landry: Sounds great. Jess: It's gonna be a lot of fun. Landry: It's going to be fun. Jess: Alright, see you later. Landry: Okay, bye. ( Jess walks off. ) Devin: Okay. Landry: Alright. Devin: So you're going to go to a party in Kilroy! Landry: Yeah, I am. What is that? Why with that tone? [INT. Beauty Pageant Interview] Becky: But I have to tell you that when I die, I hope that people will say that she gave more than she took. That would be true success to me. ( We see she is talking to a panel for Miss Teen Texas. ) [INT. Hallway] ( Bartender mom is pacing. ) Becky: Mom! I'm in!! Bartender Mom: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! ( Hugs. ) [EXT. Parking Lot] Bartender Mom: I could not be any prouder of you, Becky. You make it look so easy and it's not. It's not easy at all. It's such hard work. Becky: Thanks mom. Bartender Mom: You know what? You need a new gown. Becky: Yeah? Bartender Mom: Absolutely. Yeah, uh, a portrait neckline. Becky: I know. How about tomorrow, before my shift, we could find the perfect dress, the perfect shoes and then get a bite to eat. Becky: (beaming) Yeah. Bartender Mom: Yeah? Becky: Yeah, tomorrow's great. Bartender Mom: Okay. I can't wait to watch those other girls eat your dust. [EXT. Julie and Devin are walking to Julie's car] Devin: I gotta ask you something and I need you to not be weird about it. Julie: What's up? ( They get into Julie's car. ) Devin: There's this place right outside of Dillon called Steers. And I was wondering if you'd go there with me? Julie: Steers? Devin: It's... It's gay. I mean, it's a gay place. Julie: Are you hitting on me? Devin: No, you're not my type. Julie: Oh, I'm not you're type. Devin: Look, I just need somebody to go there with me. This is a new experience, it's kinda weird. It'd be nice to have a friend go with me. Julie: I'll go. See what you're type is like. [INT. Tami is in the Superintendent's Office] Tami: Well, I think where we need to focus all our attention on right now is the library, library, library. It's been since 2005 since we've had any updates. It's where we should focus our funds. Superintendent: Yeah, but uh, you know, I'm really sorry but our budget is already tapped out. Maybe we can do this next year. Tami: But no, I mean, we had actually pushed it last year and we had talked about that this would be where our focus was this year so... Sup: Look, there are a lot of people who are pretty angry out there, Tami. I mean, you realize that a substantial portion of the school's revenue is generated by football, don't you? Tami: Oh, so you mean people are angry because I told Luke Cafferty that he had to go to the correct school for his district? That's why we're not gonna get our library? That seems like a shame to me. Sup: Look, after what you did with Luke, we're gonna be lucky to reach half the normal amount this year. I mean, you cost yourself and the school any chance we might've had to improve that library. Now, I'm sorry, Tami but if you'll excuse me I do have another meeting. [EXT. Parking Lot] ( Tami exits the meeting to find "Panther Hater" spray painted on her car. ) Tami: What? [INT. Taylor House] ( Eric and Stan are sitting at the dining room table making phone calls. ) Stan: Hello, Mr. R.C. Collins, Class of '79? Mr. Collins, I would like to talk to you about football. I would like to talk to you about East Dillon High football and Coach Eric Taylor. Hello? Eric: Try the next one. Tami: How's it going? Eric: Good. Tami: What are you doing exactly? Eric: We're looking up alumni from East Dillon Lions of past to try and get them to join the Pep Rally. Stan: Yeah, you're husband had the inspired idea to make the Pep Rally a sort of homecoming. Tami: That is inspired. Eric: The Lions of East Dillon are not roaring. Stan: He's not home. Eric: Try the 9-3-4 Tami: Honey, honey, come here. Stan: Hello, is this Mr. Eddie Boar? Class of '79? ( Eric joins Tami in the kitchen. ) Tami: Honey, you need food. Eric: Huh? Tami: You need food for these people. If you want to bring people in, you've got to make them some food. Just like we do. Just like we've always done. Eric: You offering to cook dinner? Tami: (looks up to the heavens) Oh, Lordy. Perhaps I am. (looks at Eric) Perhaps I am offering to cook dinner, Babe. Yeah, Mm...hmm. Eric: Thank you. Tami: Mm..hmm. Eric: Thank you. Tami: You're welcome. Stan: (watching them) That's real sweet. Eric: It's good, thanks. (shots Stan a look) Alright. Tami: Alright, well I'm gonna get myself ready for school. Y'all good luck! ( Julie emerges carrying Gracie. ) Julie: Hi. Stan: I'm Stan Traub. Assistant Coach. Julie: I'm Julie. Daughter. Nice to meet you. [INT. Becky's house] Becky: Hey mom! Mom, are you ready to go? ( Becky finds a note on table with some cash: "B - Had to go to work. Buy something FABULOUS! - Mom" ) [EXT. Tim's trailer] ( Becky knocks on Tim's door. ) Tim: What? Becky: (opens the door) Can I borrow your truck? Tim: No. Becky: Please? Tim: You can't borrow it. You don't even have your license. Becky: I know how to drive. Tim: I don't care. Becky: (hurt) Thanks. Tim: What's wrong? Becky: My mom blew me off. Again. [EXT. Taylor patio] ( Matt and Julie are playing Scrabble. ) Matt: There is a gay bar in Dillon? Julie: It's not in Dillon. It's outside of Dillon. Matt: Same difference. Julie: Mr. Matthew, Z-A is not a word. Matt: Z-A is a word and if you look at it, it spells ZA. As in pizZA. It's vernacular in certain places but wait, you're trying to... Julie: You are such a liar! Matt: No, no, don't try and distract me from the... Julie: ... just cuz it has a Z you will not use it. Matt: ... fact that you are going to a gay bar. What are you going to do at a gay bar? Julie: Dance and make out with some chicks. Matt: I knew it. I knew you wanted to experiment. Julie: No. I'm going for Devin to be her moral support. Matt: Whatever. I don't even care. I'm going hunting with Riggins anyway. Julie: That's a joke. You're going hunting with Riggins? Matt: It's not a joke. Julie: So you're just gonna go shoot some poor defenseless animals just for the fun of it? Matt: Yeah, well, uh, to eat. Julie: You are such so much better than that. Why would you stoop to that level? Matt: No, I'm not. I'm not better than that. Julie: It's barbaric. It's disgusting. Matt: Hold on. Hold the phone. I live in Dillon and people in Dillon what they do is go hunting and shoot animals. This is just the way it works. Julie: That's just an awful excuse, first of all. And second of all, I live in Dillon. I don't go hunting. Matt: You don't live in Dillon for long. (mumbles) Need a word... Julie: Is this about my college applications? Matt: No. It's not about your college applications... It's not even about you. I don't know why think everything's about you. [INT. Dress shop] ( Becky is looking at dresses and Tim is looking bored. ) Becky: (flipping through the dress rack) No, no, no... All of this says runner-up. None of this is good. Tim: I'm sure your mom wanted to be here for this. Becky: Yeah, or she hooked up with some dude. You know, whatever. Tim: Hey, look, cut her some slack. I'm sure she... Becky: Don't! Because every time something really important comes along - every time - she does this. She has an emergency or a date or she takes another shift at that stupid bar. Tim: (wants to change subject) Hey look, this one's nice. It's pretty. Becky: You think it's pretty? Tim: Yeah? Becky: Is that a portrait neckline? Tim: Uh, yeah. Becky: Oh my God, this is stupid. You don't even know. Can we go, please? Tim: No, hey. We can't go. We're here, we gotta pick something. And what's that saying? Doesn't the dress find you? Becky: Can we please just go? This is... just a dumb idea. Tim: I'm gonna tell you something, alright? And you can't tell it to anyone else. My mother never took me shopping for a pageant gown. And because of that, I never placed in Miss Texas. That's why I got into football. That's a fact. ( She laughs and he wraps his arm around her. ) Tim: This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna start with the wheels and then we'll work our way up. ( Becky is giving him that 'I want you Tim Riggins' look. ) Tim: By then, hopefully they'll have a new shipment of dresses in. [EXT. Ray's BBQ Restaurant] ( All the girls pile into Landry's car. ) Jess Friend 1: Hey Landry! Landry: Hey! Jess Friend 1: Y'all look at his shirt. Jess Friend 2: Oh, my God. Landry: How's it going? Jess Friend 2: What does he have on? Landry: All right, you all ready for some good old fashioned revelry? ( Three of Jess' friends pile into the backseat. ) Jess Friend 2: What's this music? Landry: Oh? I'm glad you like it. It's actually, it's this local band and their name is Crucifixtorious. Jess Friend 2: Do we have to listen to this the whole ride? I'm just saying... ( Jess enters the car. ) Jess: Hey. Landry: Wow. You look nice. Jess: Oh, thanks. What's this music? ( She reaches for the radio. ) Landry: Here, hold on, just give it a second... ( She clicks on a hip-hop station as the other girls touch Landry's hair. ) Jess Friend 1: Feel his hair. It's like grass. Landry: Wow. [EXT. House Party] ( Party in full swing. Landry is all smiles as he dances with a group of girls. Meanwhile, Jess walks through the house with Vince hot on her heels. ) Vince: Jess, you're looking really good tonight. Surprised to see you here. ( Judging by the look on her face, she feels the same way. ) Jess: Really? Vince: What's up with you? What's your problem? Jess: I ain't got a problem with you. Vince: Mm...hmm. Jess: Think I'm the only person who sees how disposable you treat girls. Vince: Well, I can only treat a girl how she allows me to treat her. Maybe I've been talking to the wrong girls. Jess: K, now see you're trying to piss me off. Vince: Just sitting here frontin' like you don't think about me? Not even a little bit? Jess: You wish I thought about you. I have a boyfriend. Vince: Oh, you got a boyfriend? ( Jess walks over and starts dancing with Landry while Vince watches. ) Calvin: What's up with that, man? I know that ain't that Opie-looking dude I hit in football practice is it? Vince: Yeah, that's him. Calvin: Looks to me like Jess is hitting that now. [INT. Bar] ( Buddy and Eric are sitting at the bar, sipping beers. ) Buddy: (taking shots) It's over. I'm not a Panther anymore. And it makes me --- I feel ill. I don't know why I'm saying this to you. You know what it's like to be a Panther and have it taken away from ya. I'm sorry about it. I'm sorry about all of it, Eric. Eric: Tami and I are having some East Dillon alumni over this week for dinner. Why don't you come over and join us? Buddy: You can't fake "Boosterism," Eric. It comes from the heart. That's the beauty of it. [EXT. East Dillon High School] Vince: Hey, what's up, Landry? I was surprised to see you at the party last night. Did you have fun? Landry: That was fun. It was a lot of fun. Someone spilled something on my shoes. Vince: Oh, that's too bad. Landry: Other than that, it was fun. Vince: Yeah, how a good time? There was dancing and stuff. Landry: Yeah, I had a good time. Vince: You had a good time with Jess? Landry: Yeah, I mean, you know, just as... you know I was just a ride. Vince: Really? Cuz she told me you were her boyfriend. Landry: Is... No. I'm definitely not her boyfriend. She said that? Vince: Yeah, she did. Landry: No. That's crazy. Vince: You're not lying to me are you? Landry: No. I'm not. And that's news to me. Vince: Alright. You good. (starts walking away and pats Landry on the shoulder) Be safe, man. Landry: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. Ray's BBQ Restaurant] ( Coach gets in line to order. ) Eric: Hey, how you doing? Ray: Hey. Eric: Uh... Ray: What'll it be? Eric: You're not by chance Virgil Merriweather? 1983 State Championship? Quarterback? East Dillon Lions? Ray: (ignoring the questions) What'll it be? Eric: Oh, I'll have a, uh, pound of brisket if you would, please. I'm Eric Taylor. I'm the new coach over at East Dillon. Ray: $8.50 ( As Eric gets his wallet, we see Jess in the background sweeping as she overhears the conversation. ) Eric: You don't by chance rent this place out for events or anything do you? Ray: Nope. Eric: Well, that's too bad. We got our first pep rally, homecoming coming up. Ray: That's nice. Eric: Look, this may sound odd but my wife and I are having a dinner party for some ex-Lions players. Ray: Nope. Eric: I got some really great kids on my team. They're good kids and they could sure use someone like you to come over and speak some words to 'em. Ray: Brisket will be out in a few. [INT. J.D. McCoy's fancy ride] ( J.D. is driving with Luke in the passenger seat and two other players in the back. ) Player 1: Hey, Luke, let me get this straight, man. This guy steals your wallet and you don't do anything about it. Luke: What do you want me to do? Player 2: Get your wallet back. Player 1: Yeah. J.D.: Look, Luke, I know East Dillon is like a prison or whatever, but I didn't think you'd become someone's bitch. ( J.D. and the other guys laugh. ) Player 1: Hey, I know, right? ( Luke spots Vince walking along the street. ) Luke: Stop the car. J.D.: What? Luke: Stop the car. ( J.D. pulls over, blocking Vince's path and Luke gets out. ) Vince: I see you brought your boyfriends with you to help look for your wallet. Luke: Why don't you shut up and give it back? Vince: You don't know when to quit do you? ( Luke knocks the plate of food that Vince was carrying. Vince reacts by punching Luke and fight ensues. ) Player 1: Oh! There you go, Luke. Take him down. Vince: Don't know when to quit! ( Here the sound of a police siren so J.D. and the other players run back to the car. ) J.D.: Cops, come on, let's go! Player 1: Go, go, go! Player 2: Forget him, let's go! Officer: Break it up! Break it up, boys! Officer: Get up! Get up! Officer: I said break it up. [INT. Taylor Dining Room] ( The Taylor's are entertaining some alumni. Wine and food are in abundance. ) Tami: Hey, Deacon, how long have you been over there at Bethel Baptist? Deacon: 18 years. Tami: That's a long time. Deacon: Coach Taylor, can I ask you something? Eric: Yes, sir. Deacon: Why are we here? Damon: Oh, Lord have mercy, Deacon. I'm trying to enjoy my meal here. Man. Eric: No, it's uh, it's a good question. Listen, I just started coaching at this school. I would imagine that you would think of it as your high school, too. With that said, we are facing - I am facing a lot of challenges over there. And we've got some problems that I want to... Deacon: Listen, with all due respect, people from your part of town pretty frequently tell us about our problems. Our crime problem. Our education problems. You know how we got these problems? Back in the 80s, the west Side of Dillon got developed. They got the mall, they got the hotel, the west side of Dillon got the money. Mo: And what did we get? Deacon: We got forgotten. Damon: We got our high school closed. Deacon: And so listen, we thank you for your hospitality but, uh, I think I'm gonna skip that lecture about our problems. Tami: Well, uh, I know nobody needs a lecture here that's for sure. Eric: That's right. Tami: Um, I think the truth is we just... We just wanted to get to know you all a little bit better and I was just hoping that y'all would get to know my husband a little bit better. Because if there is one thing about this man, he loves football. He loves football, he loves those boys out there, he lives and breathes it, you know. It's family to us. Eric: Fact of the matter is, it's pretty damn hard playing football when you've got nobody out there appreciating the effort that you're putting into it. Deacon: You like losing with everybody watching? Eric: Well, Deacon, that's what we're trying to fix. Trying to fix that. ( Doorbell rings and Tami gets up to answer it. ) Buddy: Hello? Tami: Oh! Hey, Buddy. How are you? Buddy: How are you? You're looking more and more beautiful. Tami: Well, thank you. ( Eric cringes, wondering if this was the worst idea ever. ) Mo: (grinning) Is that Buddy Garrity? Eric: You know Buddy? Mo: Do I know Buddy? Damon: Oh, oh, oh. Tami: Y'all, this is Buddy Garrity. Mo: Buddy Garrity! ( The men are suddenly all giddy and laughing - the atmosphere has changed and it's all good. ) Buddy: Mo Hall! You've got to be kidding me! Big Mo! Damon: Ain't nobody hit harder than Buddy Garrity. I'll tell you that. Eric: Hey Buddy! Buddy: Damon Gaston! Damon: Hey, brother. Buddy: Good to see you. Eric: Honey, Buddy's here! Tami: Buddy's here! Eric: Hey! Buddy: Hello Coach! Eric: How are you? Buddy: I'm fine. Eric: It's good to see you. Deacon: What's going on, Buddy? Buddy: Good to see you, good to see you. Buddy: Hello Deacon. [INT. Steers - Gay Bar] ( Devin and Julie are sitting at the bar drinking sodas. ) Julie: So is this what you were expecting it to be like? Devin: Not exactly. But I really like the lighting in here. ( Julie laughs. The place is cheesy looking. ) Devin: I just don't know how anybody meets anybody. Julie: You are asking the wrong person. Devin: But you've got the forever boyfriend, you know. Julie: Yeah, well, forever boyfriend is... I don't know. It's like he seems pissed off about like the stupidest thing and then we get into ridiculous arguments that go absolutely nowhere ad it's like... ( Devin isn't listening but making eye contact with a cute girl across the room. ) Julie: It's like I don't know how to fix us. It's like something that's broken or I don't know... (realizing that Devin is preoccupied) You're not even paying attention. What are you looking at? Devin: Stop. Don't look over there. Julie: Is that your type? She's cute. Devin: I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Don't flirt while I'm gone, okay? Julie: You know me. Stan: Almost what? ( Julie turns to see Stan playing pool and waves hello. He realizes who she is and then abruptly stops, puts away the pool cue and exits, leaving Julie sitting there wondering what just happened. ) [INT. Taylor Living Room] ( Eric is dozing on the sofa with a Teddy bear as a pillow. ) Eric: I was gonna help you with those dishes, but I somehow got stuck to the couch. Tami: Mm..hmm, so it seems. (she snuggles up against him) Thank you so much but I think got it. Eric: I almost made it back in there. I just got a little tired here. Tami: I heard Deacon Malone say he was gonna make some calls for you. Eric: That's because you make a damn good steak is what it is. Hey. Tami: Mmm? Eric: Thanks for tonight. Tami: Don't thank me, thank Buddy Garrity. Eric: Buddy Garritty ate all my damn steak. Tami: He sure did. Eric: Hey, you know what? Tami: Mmm? Eric: You're good at what you do. You were a lot of hats. Tami: Thank you. ( Phone rings. ) Eric: (looks at caller ID) It's not Buddy. Hello? Yes, sir. [INT. Police Station] Officer: The white kid, he's got no record. He can go. The black kid, he's going to juvie. Eric: His name is Vince. Has he made mistakes? Hell yeah, the kid's made mistakes. You know what though? He shows up. He gets the job done. He works hard. I can vouch for him. All I'm asking is give him a second chance. Officer: Coach, he's used up his chances. Eric: Can I see them? [INT. Holding Cell] ( Officer opens door to let them in. ) Eric: (to officer) Thank you. Vince: Coach, I can explain. Eric: Shh! ( He waits until the officer is gone. ) Eric: Just listen, we are at a crossroads right now. (looks at Luke) You are gonna admit that everything was your fault. Luke: My dad... Eric: Quiet! (to Vince) You are gonna cut the tough guy crap. You're both gonna say exactly what I say. And we are gonna fix this. Understood? Vince: Yes, sir. Luke: Yes, sir. [INT. Coach's car] ( Eric pulls up alongside a barren road and stops. ) Eric: You get one chance in life, fellas. You either take advantage of it or you piss it away. You do the latter, and you're gonna regret it the rest of your lives. Get out. Get out of the car. ( He drives away, leaving Luke and Vince to walk home. ) Vince: He really took off. He really did. Luke: Hey, Howard. It's this way. Vince: You sure? Luke: Yeah. Vince: Thanks. ( It's unclear if he means for the directions or for taking the blame for the fight. ) Luke: Yeah. ( Vince hands Luke his wallet. Luke shakes his head and scoffs but accepts it. ) [EXT. Jess' house as her little brothers (Andre, Caleb and Darius) run towards Ray's BBQ] Boys: Go, go, go, go, go! Jess: Caleb, go ahead and beat him! ( The boys run down the street. ) Jess: Be careful with that! Ray: Lunches! Line up, line up! Ah-ah! (hands them each a bag) Pop! Pop! Pop! (pulls them into a hug) Hey, hey, come on over here, boys. Come on over here, what you got? (releases them) Ah! Got get 'em boys! Hurry up! Catch that bus, now. Catch 'em now! Jess: Go get 'em! Daddy, they got Pop Warner practice after school today. Ray: Okay. You take your brothers and I'll make sure they get a ride with Mrs. Turner, okay? Jess: Okay. You think maybe you can stop by just for a second? Ray: Look, look. Go on before you miss the bus. Jess: Dad, I, uh, I heard what Coach Taylor was talking to you about the other day. Ray: That ain't your business, Jess. Jess: Daddy, okay, look I'm sorry I like football. Okay? Andre loves football. Darius loves it so much he throws up because he gets so nervous before his game. But it's fine, it really is. It's not your thing anymore. But, it's still in us. We're still a football family. Ray: Jess, it ain't for you to decide. Jess: Daddy, I'm not trying to decide anything. I'm just asking if we can hold the Pep Rally here. It'd be fun, Dad. Ray: Get on before you miss the bus. Go ahead and take the boys to school. Jess: Yes, sir. [EXT. Texas woods] ( Our boys are walking through the woods carrying their rifles. ) Tim: I'm hoping we get something over that fire tonight. So keep the eyes peeled, light feet. Matt: What kinds of things do you think we're gonna get? Tim: White tail, boar. ( Matt steps forward, aims and fires his gun at something twice while Tim falls back into a bush. ) Tim: Seven, Stop! Matt: What? Tim: What was it? Matt: Well, I, well, I don't know. Tim: What do you mean you don't know? The wind? Matt: I thought, I thought I saw something but I think it might've been the wind. Tim: So you're shooting... (takes the rifle from Matt) Gimme that! Matt: Hey! Tim: No gun! No gun! Matt: Really? Well, let me have my gun back. [INT. Tami's car] Sammy Meade: Well, this has turned into the slamming Tami show. Caller go ahead. Caller: Sammy, this year the Panther's were destined for greatness. Sammy Meade: That is true. Caller: No we gotta run the table just to make the playoffs. Sammy Meade: You may right there as well my friend. Caller: Let me tell you something, you ask me, Tami Taylor should send her resignation and a written apology Sammy Meade: Well, I can't disagree with you on any of those points though... Caller: She might have cost us that first game Sammy Meade: That is true... Caller: That's on her. Sammy Meade: I agree with you. Caller: She's making a mess out of this whole situation. I don't think she... Tami: Come on, y'all. I did what was right. I did what I had to do. I'm sorry I messed up football for everybody! Sammy Meade: I don't think she could handle... You've got to give up... [EXT. Lamme's Candies] ( We see Tami walking into the shop. ) Tami: Hey, I need some chocolate, please. [INT. East Dillon Hallway] ( Jess is at her locker when Landry approaches. ) Landry: Hey, Jess! Jess: Hey. Landry: How's it going? So am I your boyfriend? Cuz it really seemed like Vince thought that I was your boyfriend. He said that that's what you said. Jess: I didn't say that to him at all. I just said I had a boyfriend. Landry: Oh. I just wanted to clear that up. Jess: But it's not like we're dating... Landry: No. Jess: So what does it really matter? We're not. Landry: Okay, 100% not. Okay. Jess: All right, see you later! [EXT. Texas woods at night] ( Tim and Matt are by the campfire drinking beers and chatting. ) Tim: College. I'll tell you what college was like. 7 am mandatory wake-up. Then these fantastic one-on-ones with this robotic coach that tells you what you're doing wrong every single day - nothing like Coach Taylor. We were spoiled. Plus, college is boring. They gave us a curfew every night. Matt: Did you miss Lila though? Tim: I think we had different paths. Matt: So, does that mean yes? Tim: Yeah. Matt: Yeah. Tim: Yeah. What about you? How's Dillon Tech? Matt: It's okay. Not as bad as I thought it'd be. I mean, I'm getting to spend a lot of time with my grandma so that's good. And I make a lot more money delivering pizza with tips and stuff than I used to make over at the Alamo Freeze. Tim: So basically you stayed in Dillon cuz of Jules? Matt: Yeah. Tim: Yeah. Matt: And now she's applying to colleges and stuff, right. And I knew that was gonna happen I obviously knew she was gonna go to college but I guess I never realized that all the colleges she was going to be applying to were like, um, the other side of the country. And now, I just start getting made at her for no reason. It's like I resent it but she never asked me to stay here, you know. That was my decision. I was the one who decided to do that. I decided that. Well, Texas forever, right? Tim: Yes. Absolutely. Texas forever, Seven. ( They toast. ) [EXT. Pep Rally for East Dillon] ( Eric and Tami exit their car with baby Gracie - all clad in East Dillon RED ) Eric: I don't know why he changed his mind. Tami: Well, I think it's going to be a great pep rally. Eric: We'll see about that. What your step. Tami: Hey, if it's not great, you still get to come home with us. ( They kiss. ) Eric: There's always that. Tami: There's always that, right? Eric: Let's go. Tami: (to Grace) We're gonna go have fun. [EXT. Ray's BBQ - Pep Rally] ( People are hanging out, blues music playing the background while Dillon girls (cheerleaders?) are performing a routine. ) Julie: Hey. Stan: Hey. Where's your brisket? Julie: Oh, um, I don't eat meat. Stan: Oh, come on. Let me go get you a plate. Julie: Oh, it's okay. I actually kinda wanted to talk to you about the other night. Um, I just wanted to let you know that I'm not gonna tell anybody or anything. Stan: Tell anybody what? Julie: Uh...? Eric: (announcing) I wanted to thank everybody for coming out to East Dillon's first Pep Rally of the year. Julie: Oh, it's okay. Eric: I'd like to introduce one of Texas' great high school football teams. 1983 State Champions from East Dillon High. And what they brought home to this school 26 years ago. Come on up, guys! ( The men from the dinner party plus a few others come out in their old jersey's carrying the State Trophy. ) Deacon: Let us pray. Lord, we are gathered here today for a reason. We ask you, Lord, what is a group of Lions? It is a pride. And we stand before you today, Lord, your pride. We need pride in this world. And what do we have here? I say what do we have here? Crowd: Pride! Deacon: We are the Lions and we stand together. Who are we? Crowd: LIONS! Deacon: Who are we?! Crowd: LIONS! ( Applause and cheering. ) [INT. Ray's BBQ kitchen] ( Landry is helping Jess clean up. She hands him a tray. ) Jess: This, uh, put his somewhere. I never really wash this, it's... it's kind of weird... ( Landry moves closer. ) Jess: Landry? ( Landry just grabs Jess and kisses her - a long kiss. ) Landry: We're not dating right? Jess: Definitely not. Landry: No. Jess: No. ( Agreed, he leaves. ) [EXT. Tim and Matt are driving home] [INT. Matt's house] ( Matt's mom is cleaning out the fridge. ) Matt's Mom: Lorraine, I'm tossing this half and half. Grandma: Well, all right but we're gonna have to go to the store. I cannot drink coffee without cream. Matt's Mom: Well, me neither. Grandma: Oh, I remember how you took your coffee. ( Knock at door. ) Grandma: Well, who could that be? Matt's Mom: I don't know. Grandma: You failed me. ( Matt's mom answers it and reveal two men in full military uniform with grim expressions. Cut to a distraught Grandma. ) [EXT. Taylor House] ( Tim drops Matt off. ) Matt: Thanks. Tim: Yeah. ( Matt knocks on door. ) Matt: Hey, uh, I'm sorry, you know, that I just stopped by but, uh, (notices Julie's tears) What's the matter? Julie: Have you talked to your mom? Matt: Why? Is something wrong with Grandma? Julie: I'm sorry. Matt: What's the matter? Julie: It's your dad. He was killed. ( Julie cries and pulls him into a hug. ) Julie: Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

The boosters go after Tami. Eric learns about East Dillon's history during Homecoming Week. Matt goes hunting with Tim and discovers terrible news. Julie and Devin go to a gay bar. Landry and Vince become involved with Jess.

fd_The_Office_03x15

fd_The_Office_03x15_0

Michael: Hello son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a road--- Dwight: How do you know it's going to be a boy? Michael: How, would you stop interrupting please? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: To jump start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever. Dwight: [Shakes head] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. Pam: What? Michael: We will demonstrate on Pam. Pam: No. No. [Leaves] Michael: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Dwight is wearing a bra] You just twist your hand until something breaks. Dwight: Ow. Michael: Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And remember no matter what, I will always love you. Dwight: What if he's a murderer? Michael: He's not going to be a murderer. Dwight: Maybe that's how you die. Michael: You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no? Dwight: I want to do this. Michael: Okay. From the top. Ready? Three- Dwight: Action. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. [Applause] So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a boat. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What's up spinsters? Angela: Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only. Michael: No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks but we had some really good talks and actually now I think that we're better than ever. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh, every night, for the last five nights. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck. [SCENE_BREAK] Packer: Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer. Karen: Karen Fillipelli. Jim's girlfriend. Packer: Shut up! Karen: Yep. Packer: Shut it! Karen: That's rude. Packer: Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight! Michael: Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh! [Clutches chest and falls to the floor] Packer: What happened? Michael: Oh God- Packer: Quick somebody help! Help the man! [Pretends to kick Michael] Michael: No, no, no! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man. Packer: I have a full day of sales calls. Michael: You should get out of them. Packer: [Breaks pencil.] Michael: It's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It's going to be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie. Going to be very delicious. Packer: And what kind of stripper did you get? Michael: I did not order a stripper. Packer: You didn't order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party? Michael: Um, not personally, no. Packer: Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101. If you don't get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard. Michael: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment. Packer: Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal. Michael: So that's what that means. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh! [Spanks himself] Dwight: Alright! Uh! [Spanks himself] Michael: Gay. Dwight: What? Michael: Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies. Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office. Meredith: SHUT UP ANGELA! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: Ugh. Jim: Ugh. Pam: Everything okay? Jim: Oh yeah. Why? Pam: Well you seem a little tired. Jim: Oh. Yeah well, I guess there's been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking. Pam: You should get more sleep. Jim: Yeah, I know I should. Pam: Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep. Jim: No, I'm sure you're right. Pam: When I get eight hours, compared to like six hours, like, big difference. Jim: Really? Pam: Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not. Jim: Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there. Pam: Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. [Turning towards the vending machine] Oh my God. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers. Jim: Absolutely not. Dwight: I'm on it. Michael: Well get on it. And make it happen. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want- Jim: Stop. That's disgusting. Dwight: Leave me alone and get the male stripper. Jim: Fine. Dwight: I knew you would, Nancy. Jim: Sally. Dwight: No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette? Jim: Blonde. Dwight: Nice. Do you have any blonde women? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Giggles.] Ryan: He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling. Michael: [Pokes Ryan with a s*x toy.] Gotcha, oh! [Phone rings.] Yes? Jim: Are you okay? Michael: I'm in the, I'm in the s*x shop. Jim: Ah, gotcha. Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or Sponge Bob Squarepants. Michael: Squarepants? Jim: Yep, Spongebob Squarepants. Michael: And you think that'd be sexy? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania. [SCENE_BREAK] Ben Franklin: Hold the door please! Michael: Oh. Ben Franklin: Thank you. Michael: Oh. Hello! Ben Franklin: Hello! Michael: You wearing a thong? Ben Franklin: What? [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Sparkling cider is very good. Pam: I think that's champagne. Angela: [Spits champagne back into her glass] Michael: Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin. Ben Franklin: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin. Michael: Half pants, right Mr. Franklin? Ben Franklin: Knickers in fact, yes! Michael: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever. Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president. Michael: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was. Ben Franklin: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers. Michael: And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow. Meredith: Wait, this is the entertainment? Michael: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one. [Points to Phyllis] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Have you ever seen a stripper before? Dwight: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases. Jim: Yeah, me neither. Elizabeth: Hey. Jim: Hi. Elizabeth: I'm Elizabeth, I'm the dancer that was requested. Dwight: Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper. Elizabeth: I'm the stripper. Dwight: Oh, okay good. Well in the future please identify yourself as such. Jim: [Phone rings] Oh God. Dwight: [Reading the text message] Is she hot? Text back, "Kind of." [SCENE_BREAK] Ben Franklin: It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight. Karen: Mr. Franklin? Ben Franklin: Yes? Karen: Do you have a girlfriend? Ben Franklin: I have a lovely wife, Deborah. Pam: But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them? Ben Franklin: Uh, well that is a grey area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors. Ryan: Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on? Michael: No. Yes. Ryan: Oh gross. Michael: But I got all the foot off of it. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Okay Ben Franklin! Karen: Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth! Ben Franklin: Well, that is because I am a renaissance man. Pam: Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons? Ben Franklin: Well, you're very saucy! [Winks at Pam.] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Guys, beef! It's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat? Dwight: I do! I want some man meat! Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat. Michael: Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity. Stanley: [Stanley's fork breaks.] Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: So I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, how can I put this to practical use? Pam: Well I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator and he really pressured him into it. Karen: Hey um, I wanted to talk to you. I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys. Pam: What do you mean? Karen: Well that you kissed. And we talked it through and it's totally fine, it's not a big deal. It's just a kiss. Wait- you're not still interested in him? Pam: Oh yeah. Karen: Really? Pam: Oh no, I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I'm not going out with Jim. You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together. Karen: Okay. Pam: I'm not into Jim. Yeah. Karen: So um, well good. Pam: Yeah. Sorry. Karen: What are you sorry about? Pam: Um, what? Karen: What are you sorry about? Pam: Nothing. I was just thinking of something else. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Okay. The game is no limit deuce to seven lowball. Lines twenty five fifty, nickels are worth ten, dimes twenty-five, and quarters fifty. Nothing wild. Michael: I call shuffle. Here we go. [Spreads cards out all over the table] Kevin: Michael. Michael: Ah, gentlemen, the entertainment is here. Everybody I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth. Elizabeth: Hi guys! Michael: Nice outfit. Elizabeth: I hear there's an important meeting here. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art. [SCENE_BREAK] Elizabeth: Hit it. [Feel Like Makin' Love plays in background] So where's the groom? Michael: He's right there. There he is. Bob Vance: Absolutely not. That's all you. That's all you. Michael: Okay. Alright, I'll do it. Yeah. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Yeah. What do I? Elizabeth: Just sit on down. Michael: Alright. Elizabeth: Alright. Michael: Okay. Elizabeth: Here we go. Michael: Here we go. Alright! Elizabeth: Yeah! Michael: Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide. Elizabeth: Mmm, what's that? Michael: You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so... Elizabeth: I bet she'd be jealous. [Rips off shirt] Michael: Yeah she probably, yeah she would be. You know what, okay, excuse me. Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music. This is wrong, this is wrong! This is wrong! I have a girlfriend. And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay. Shame on you. Go back to work! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it. Elizabeth: You want me to answer phones with my clothes on. Dwight: We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it. Elizabeth: Oh I love your poster. Angela: Thank you. Kevin: [Mouths 'hi' at the stripper] [SCENE_BREAK] Ben Franklin: You know I invented electricity. Pam: I know. Ben Franklin: Well I'm sensing a little electricity right here. Pam: Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis? Ben Franklin: Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon. Pam: Ohhh. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand I'm afraid she's going to dump me. Ben Franklin: You know Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son. Michael: Really. Ben Franklin: But I kept all this from my wife Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler s*x. Michael: Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me? Elizabeth: Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone. Michael: Wow. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Care for a piece of chocolate? Ben Franklin: Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States. Dwight: Who is the king of Austria? Ben Franklin: Joseph the 2nd. Dwight: Who is the king of Prussia? Ben Franklin: Fredrick Wilhelm the 3rd. Dwight: Who is the king of England? Ben Franklin: Why the tyrant King George, of course! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: [On speaker phone] Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you, are you okay? Michael: Not really, look I don't know how to say this so I just will. Jan: Okay. Michael: I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand. Jan: Uh when, when did, when last night? Michael: No, today at work. Jan: You went to a bachelor party at work? Michael: Yes. I kind of arranged it. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Well I don't even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot? Ryan: Kelly don't do this. Kelly: Do what? I just asked you a question. Ryan: You know what you're doing. Kelly: Anyway, do you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam. Jim: Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I'm glad. Any real potential there Beesley? Pam: Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. You know Ryan I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever. Ryan: Ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Elizabeth: Oh my God, I would get so fat if I worked here. Pam: Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time. Elizabeth: You could strip you know. Pam: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So you don't want to end our relationship? Jan: I'm closer to firing you. Michael: That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that? Jan: I'll talk to you later. Michael: You are. You are. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Are you near sighted or far sighted? Ben Franklin: Both. That's why I invented the bifocal. Dwight: GAH!!!

The women of the office hold a bridal shower for Phyllis, while the men hold a bachelor's party for her groom-to-be, Bob Vance. After being convinced to hire a stripper for both the men and the women's parties by Todd Packer, Michael orders Jim and Dwight to choose the strippers. For the men's party, Dwight hires a stripper, while for the women's party, Jim hires a Ben Franklin impersonator.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_01x40

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_01x40_0

THE REIGN OF TERROR by DENNIS SPOONER first broadcast - 29th August, 1964 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. JAILER'S ALCOVE (This is the area of the Conciergerie Prison that the JAILER uses as a rudimentary office. It holds only a desk and chair. The SHOPKEEPER from whom the DOCTOR acquired his Regional Deputy clothing, is in conversation with the JAILER.) JAILER: But I keep telling ya, he's just left to see Citizen Robespierre. Are you sure it's so urgent? Well, what is it about? SHOPKEEPER: I want to give him this. (He holds up the DOCTOR's ring.) JAILER: What is it? SHOPKEEPER: Evidence against a traitor! [SCENE_BREAK] 2. OFFICE OF ROBESPIERRE (ROBESPIERRE, the architect of the Reign of Terror, is 32 years old, a smallish man with a poxy complexion. He sits in a comfortable chair in his extravagantly furnished office, and listens to the voices audible from just outside the office.) LEMAITRE: (OOV.) Lemaitre, to see Citizen Robespierre. (The door to ROBESPIERRE's office opens, and a GUARD appears.) ROBESPIERRE: Send Citizen Lemaitre in. (The GUARD does so, and LEMAITRE enters, accompanied by the DOCTOR in his Regional Deputy uniform. LEMAITRE hands a document to ROBESPIERRE.) LEMAITRE: Here is the complete and detailed list of the recent executions, Citizen. (ROBESPIERRE looks briefly at the document, then turns to the DOCTOR.) ROBESPIERRE: Who is this, Lemaitre? LEMAITRE: A Regional Deputy visiting from our southern province, Citizen. And as the province in question is to be discussed, I thought the Citizen could make his report personally. ROBESPIERRE: I see. I am always prepared to listen to a first-hand account of the region's situation. DOCTOR: I welcome the opportunity. (ROBESPIERRE motions him to a chair opposite; the DOCTOR sits.) DOCTOR: Thank you. Before you question me, perhaps you would like to hear my views on Paris? ROBESPIERRE: When did you arrive? DOCTOR: Just today. ROBESPIERRE: Hardly long enough for you to have gauged the present mood of our capital. DOCTOR: Oh, I wouldn't say that... ROBESPIERRE: I am only interested in your comments on your own territory. Recent memoranda from your province suggest that the purge of our enemies in your region is progressing very slowly. DOCTOR: Oh, you've reached that conclusion. Hmm... well perhaps we have fewer enemies in our region, and it maybe that Paris can take an example from us, hm? (LEMAITRE flashes the DOCTOR a warning glance. ROBESPIERRE stands and starts by along the wall behind his desk.) ROBESPIERRE: We in Paris are aware of the danger, Citizen. We live in troubled times. There is much, much work to be done, work that is constantly delayed by the need to ferret out the traitors that we harbour in our midst... (Heedless of LEMAITRE'S warning, the DOCTOR cuts in.) DOCTOR: Is there really such a need, Citizen Robespierre? Hm? I mean, what can this reign of terror possibly gain? For every opponent you put to the guillotine, two more will spring up! LEMAITRE: I think you have said enough, Citizen. DOCTOR: Oh, you do, do you? ROBESPIERRE: Let him speak, Lemaitre. What he said is true - my enemies do multiply. He is only warning me of the dangers I face. LEMAITRE: As you wish, Citizen. ROBESPIERRE: I could - and I shall - do great things for France. For too long the Nobility have kept our people to heel. And now finally, my world is at power, what happens? My colleagues, my trusted friends, plot for power! DOCTOR: Do they? Or is it just their wish to keep their heads, hm? (ROBESPIERRE stops pacing, stares for a moment at the DOCTOR, then resumes his striding.) ROBESPIERRE: Danton planned to restore the monarchy. I had the proof, I knew! I had to dispose of him. And the Girondins. Even now, Convention members are at work, plotting my downfall. But I will triumph, even if I have to execute every last one of them! Death, always death. Do you think I want this carnage? 342 executions in nine days in Paris alone. What a memory I shall leave behind if this thing lasts! (He turns to the window. LEMAITRE gestures to the DOCTOR, and he stands up. They move towards the door.) ROBESPIERRE: You must come again, Citizen. We never did talk about your province. DOCTOR: No we didn't, did we, and I was so looking forward to it. (He chuckles quietly to himself.) DOCTOR: It's a pity we talked for so long about Paris, hm? ROBESPIERRE: Bring him with you tomorrow, Lemaitre. (The smile disappears from the DOCTOR's face.) LEMAITRE: Yes, Citizen! [SCENE_BREAK] 3. RENAN'S SITTING ROOM (SUSAN lies in an armchair in the sitting room of JULES RENAN, shivering under a blanket. BARBARA kneels anxiously beside her, while LEON COLBERT attends to the fireplace in silence. After a while, DANIELLE enters, carrying a mug for SUSAN.) DANIELLE: This will warm you. SUSAN: Thank you. What is it? DANIELLE: Just drink it all up. LEON: Would you like something, Barbara? BARBARA: No, thank you. LEON: I think I'd like some more wine. (He looks at DANIELLE as he says this, DANIELLE replies coldly.) DANIELLE: The wine is on the table. LEON: (Sarcastically.) Thank you! (He pours some wine from the jug on the table.) DANIELLE: I think I'll return to bed, if you'll excuse me. BARBARA: Yes, of course. I'm sorry we disturbed you. (DANIELLE leaves.) LEON: One can't be friends with everybody. BARBARA: (To SUSAN.) How do you feel now? SUSAN: I'm alright, thanks. (She closes her eyes wearily.) BARBARA: That's right. You try and get some rest. I'll be here if you want me. (She moves to join LEON by the fireplace.) BARBARA: I wish I knew for certain what it was. She could have caught almost anything in that jail. LEON: We've done all we can, Barbara. BARBARA: Yes, but is it enough? When I went upstairs, she'd kicked off all her clothes and was shivering with cold. I was so worried, I thought I'd better bring her down here. LEON: It's probably just a chill. BARBARA: Yes, but what if it's worse? LEON: Well, we could call a physician. But it would be dangerous. They report almost everything to the militia these days, if only to save their own necks. BARBARA: Yes, well that's a risk we'll have to take. You must know someone we could trust? (LEON thinks for a moment.) LEON: Yes... yes, I think I do. BARBARA: Good! That's settled then. (She looks across to SUSAN.) BARBARA: She's asleep. LEON: Good... I wonder what's happened to Jules? He should have been back before this. BARBARA: Oh well, if you have to go, we... we'll be alright here. LEON: Are you sure? BARBARA: Yes, of course. I know you didn't intend to stay so long. LEON: I think I'd better go. (He moves to the door.) LEON: I shall need time to arrange for the physician. BARBARA: We'll see you tomorrow? LEON: If I can't come back, I'll send a message. You'll tell Jules? BARBARA: Yes. And... (She sounds unusually caring.) BARBARA: be careful, Leon. LEON: I will. (He looks closely into her eyes for a long moment, but then tears himself away.) LEON: We'll meet again, Barbara. And soon. (He leaves. As the front door is bolted, BARBARA sits by SUSAN's side. The girl opens her eyes.) BARBARA: I thought you were asleep. SUSAN: No, just dozing. BARBARA: Want to go back to bed now? SUSAN: You like Leon, don't you? (BARBARA smiles.) BARBARA: Come on, I'll help you upstairs. (She help SUSAN to her feet, and they leave the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. RENAN'S SITTING ROOM (NIGHT) (Some time later. The shutters of the large French windows are opened from the outside, and JULES RENAN and JEAN enter through the window. They carry between them an unconscious body wrapped head to toe in a large sack. They put the person on the sofa and light some candles, then close the shutters and window.) JULES: Now, let's just have a look at him... (They remove the sack from the person's head.) JULES: It's a pity we had to hit him so hard. JEAN: Well, the streets are filled with soldiers. He only had to call out and we'd have been arrested. JULES: If he is against us, yes... I wonder who it is? (He holds the candle up, and the light falls on the face of IAN.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. PRISON COURTYARD (NIGHT) (LEMAITRE walks towards the cell area with the DOCTOR.) LEMAITRE: No, far from it. I'd say you created a favourable impression on Citizen Robespierre. DOCTOR: I didn't say half the things I wanted to say. He twisted my words. LEMAITRE: Politicians usually do. Still, you are going to have another opportunity. DOCTOR: Oh, I think not! No no no no, your hospitality has been most successful, and most accepted. No, I think I must bid you goodbye and leave you. LEMAITRE: That would be rather difficult, Citizen. Robespierre is expecting you tomorrow. DOCTOR: Then convey my apologies to him... LEMAITRE: On the contrary! It would be more than my neck is worth to disobey such an order. You must try and stay. DOCTOR: It's out of the question! LEMAITRE: Oh, but I insist! (As the DOCTOR moves for the exit, LEMAITRE blocks his way forcefully. The DOCTOR stands fuming for a moment, then backs down. LEMAITRE calls inside.) LEMAITRE: Jailer? (There are moans from inside the prison, and the JAILER soon appears, still nursing his bandaged head.) JAILER: Lemaitre. LEMAITRE: Arrange suitable accommodation for our Citizen guest. JAILER: Of course, Citizen, of course. Er, for how long? LEMAITRE: He will be staying at least until tomorrow night. DOCTOR: Definitely no longer! JAILER: He can 'ave one of the soldiers' rooms. I'll throw them out. (As he goes, he turns back to LEMAITRE.) JAILER: Oh, Citizen, just one thing. There's a man waiting to see you. It's very important. LEMAITRE: (To the DOCTOR.) I trust the room will be to your satisfaction. (He leaves.) DOCTOR: I'm sure it will be. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. LEMAITRE'S OFFICE (The SHOPKEEPER waits in LEMAITRE's small, simply furnished office in the prison. LEMAITRE enters.) LEMAITRE: Well? You wanted to see me? SHOPKEEPER: Yes, Citizen Lemaitre. I think I may have some information for you. (He smiles slyly.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. JAILER'S ALCOVE (The JAILER returns to the waiting DOCTOR.) JAILER: If you're ready, Citizen, I'll show you your room. DOCTOR: Oh, that's alright, Jailer. I don't think I shall stay after all. JAILER: Eh? DOCTOR: No, I'm sure Lemaitre will understand. It's a pity that I asked him to put me up. Besides, those poor soldiers will need their rest. JAILER: It doesn't matter about them... DOCTOR: Nevertheless, I must be on my way - I have a long journey. So kindly give my regards to Lemaitre. (He turns to leave. Behind him the JAILER, looking extremely worried, pulls a pistol from his desk drawer and points it at the DOCTOR's back.) JAILER: Citizen! (The DOCTOR turns in surprise, and indignantly confronts the hapless JAILER.) DOCTOR: And just what do you think you're doing, jailer? Hm? JAILER: Lemaitre said you're staying. I must obey him. DOCTOR: And what do you think he'll say when he hears you delayed me, hm? JAILER: I'm sorry, Citizen, I'm sorry. But he he comes back and finds you gone, it could be even worse. (The DOCTOR decides on the magnanimous approach.) DOCTOR: Very well, I'll stay then. And I shall say nothing of this disgraceful behaviour, if only for your sake. JAILER: Thank you, Citizen, thank you! This way. (He puts down the pistol and leads the DOCTOR to his room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. LEMAITRE'S OFFICE (LEMAITRE holds the DOCTOR's ring, while the SHOPKEEPER looks on.) LEMAITRE: Your story is that this white-haired old gentleman exchanged clothes and this ring, and that you also gave him writing material. SHOPKEEPER: And the sash, Citizen. It was when he took the insignia of a Regional Officer of the Provinces that I became, well, suspicious. LEMAITRE: Yes, so you said. SHOPKEEPER: Of course I realise it may be nothing, b-but it was my duty to report it. LEMAITRE: You did well, Citizen. (His voice indicates the interview is over; the SHOPKEEPER realised he may not get the reward he is obviously after.) SHOPKEEPER: Will you be keeping the ring and the clothes, Citizen? LEMAITRE: They may be needed as evidence. SHOPKEEPER: Oh. Yes. Of course, you realise - they were part of the exchange. I'm a poor man, Citizen, and normally I'd have thrown him out of my shop... (LEMAITRE decides to put him out of his misery.) LEMAITRE: This should more than compensate. (He hands the SHOPKEEPER several large coins.) SHOPKEEPER: Thank you, Citizen! Although I... I cannot accept a reward for what, after all, was my duty. LEMAITRE: Keep it, on one condition. SHOPKEEPER: Anything, Citizen. LEMAITRE: You will say nothing of this to anyone. SHOPKEEPER: You have my word! (He heads for the door.) LEMAITRE: Leave this way. (He rises and opens a concealed door in the opposite wall.) LEMAITRE: I don't want you seen in the prison. SHOPKEEPER: Thank you, Citizen, thank you! (The SHOPKEEPER leaves. LEMAITRE closes the door behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. RENAN'S SITTING ROOM (JULES and JEAN watch as IAN begins to stir on the sofa.) JULES: He is coming round. (BARBARA enters, but the back of the sofa blocks her view of IAN's face.) JULES: I'm sorry we were so long, Barbara. We had to carry him all the way, dodging patrols all the time. How's Susan? BARBARA: Oh, she has a slight fever, but she's sleeping now. JULES: Leon not here? BARBARA: No, he had to leave. He's arranging for Susan to see a doctor t... (As she approaches, she comes into view of the man on the sofa. She exclaims in surprise as she recognises him.) BARBARA: Ian! IAN: Barbara! (He struggles to stand, but the effort is too much. BARBARA smiles with relief at seeing him, and holds his shoulders tenderly.) BARBARA: Ian...! (IAN looks confused and dazed.) IAN: Is Susan here too? BARBARA: Yes, she's upstairs. IAN: But... I thought you were both... oh, this is great! Any news of the Doctor? BARBARA: No. We don't even know if he got to Paris. JULES: Well, we did not know when we left here we were going to collect one of your friends, Barbara. BARBARA: Ian... this is Jules. Uh, he saved our lives. IAN: Not Jules Renan, by any chance? JULES: Yes? IAN: What! I've been looking for you! JULES: We heard that somebody was - we did not know it was you. (IAN gingerly feels the back of his head.) IAN: You can say that again! JULES: Mmm. We're very sorry about that. Jean, this calls for a celebration! JEAN: I'll get a bottle from the cellar. (He exits.) JULES: Come and sit over here, you'll be more comfortable. (He leads IAN over to one of the other chairs.) BARBARA: I think I'd better go and sit with Susan. IAN: Oh? BARBARA: She isn't feeling at all well. IAN: Well, what's wrong with her? BARBARA: Don't know. We're hoping to see a doctor tomorrow. Although when she hears you're back, that should be tonic enough! JULES: I know it is good news, but I think it's best not to wake her. BARBARA: Oh no, I won't. She doesn't sleep for very long anyway. Look, you have a talk to Ian. (She leaves the room.) IAN: Sounded like an order. JULES: Well there is one question I would like to ask you. How did you know Barbara and Susan were here? IAN: I didn't. JULES: But I thought... when you were asking for me... IAN: That was for an entirely different reason. Do you know a man called Webster? JULES: No. IAN: I shared a cell with him in prison. Unfortunately he died. He asked me to contact a man called James Stirling. JULES: James Stirling... no, I'm afraid that name means nothing to me either. IAN: What? You mean to say you don't know him? JULES: No. Should I? IAN: Well, I dunno, I... somehow took it for granted that you would. (JEAN returns with a wine bottle.) JULES: Perhaps you'd better tell me the complete story... IAN: Yes. JULES: ...over a glass of wine. (JEAN pours wine into three glasses.) IAN: Well, as far as I know, Webster was an Englishman who'd come over to France to persuade Stirling to return to England. Stirling must be a spy. JEAN: I'll share one drink, then I must start my journey. (JEAN gives a glass each to JULES and IAN, and keeps the third for himself.) JULES: Thank you. Yes, you should leave before dawn. Your health, Ian. (They drink.) IAN: Well, as I told you, Webster was dying. But before he died, he begged me to get a message to James Stirling. I asked him, how would I recognise him? And he told me to contact you at the sign of "Le Chien Gris." JEAN: I see. Well, Webster is right there; it is an inn that we frequent. I'm sorry, please go on. IAN: No, that's all there is to say. Except that, as I found "Le Chien Gris," you found me. (He rubs the back of his head again.) JULES: Mm. Did Webster know Stirling? IAN: Oh, I imagine so. JEAN: Probably by sight. JULES: To do his job properly he must be able to move around freely. That would mean an alias, a completely new identity. IAN: What, something Webster didn't know? JULES: Yes, exactly. IAN: So Webster was counting on recognising him? JULES: Well, that makes good sense. IAN: Yes, well why did he ask me to contact you? JULES: Men like Webster have been in touch with me before. I imagine the English are giving me as a contact to people they send over, in case they need help. IAN: Oh. Well it's not going to help me find Stirling, is it? (JEAN is standing apart from the others, looking uneasy. JULES speaks aside to him.) JULES: What's the matter, eh? JEAN: I'm not sure I like the idea of being used by the English. You shouldn't either, Jules. We're at war! And they're our enemies, and here we are helping their spies! JULES: England is at war with the people ruling France, Jean. So are we. When the tyranny ends, so will the war. (He walks back to IAN.) IAN: I suppose the chances of finding Stirling are pretty slim. JULES: We can try. IAN: Good! JEAN: Now, you have a few days to spare, if that's correct. IAN: (Puzzled.) Oh, do I? JULES: Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't told you. Jean is leaving soon to search for the fourth member of your party, Susan's grandfather. IAN: You know where he is? JULES: No - but he will start at the house where you were arrested and follow the trail from there, won't you, Jean? JEAN: Yes, I will find him. JULES: And while we wait, we will also search, for Stirling. JEAN: Providing you have no objections, Jules, I'll start my journey now. JULES: No objections. JEAN: You'll hear from me within three days. JULES: Take care, Jean. (JEAN nods in IAN's direction.) JEAN: Ian. IAN: Good luck, and thanks. (JEAN takes his coat and prepares to leave.) JULES: If anyone can find him, Jean can. (He sits down.) JULES: Now to our problem. I wonder who can help us? JEAN: Of course, there is one man. JULES: Leon? IAN: A friend of yours? JULES: We've shared many escapades. (JEAN leaves.) JULES: He moves in a very wide circle and knows a great many people. Perhaps he is James Stirling? IAN: I'd like to meet him. Can you arrange it? JULES: Very easily, he's coming here tomorrow, bringing a physician for Susan. IAN: Good! This calls for another drink! (He looks up as BARBARA enters.) IAN: Oh, Barbara, just in time! (JULES sees the downcast expression on BARBARA's face.) JULES: Susan? BARBARA: Yes. I'm afraid she's getting worse. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. PRISON COURTYARD (DAY) (The next morning, the DOCTOR emerges from his room, dressed in his Regional Officer uniform. He looks around, checks that the JAILER is sleeping drunkenly, and creeps towards the prison entrance. Before he can reach the gates, LEMAITRE steps from the shadows into his way.) LEMAITRE: Good morning, Citizen. I hope you slept well? DOCTOR: I did not! The bed was hard, and the draught blew through the room like the north wind! LEMAITRE: I'm sorry. DOCTOR: (Sternly.) Yes, I dare say you are! But if I catch rheumatism, apologies won't cure it. Will it, hm? (With a loud moan, the JAILER appears, nursing a splitting hangover. He sees LEMAITRE and, obviously surprised, makes a quick getaway.) JAILER: Better feed the pigs. (The DOCTOR mutters disdainfully as the JAILER goes.) DOCTOR: Most appropriate. LEMAITRE: Come, we'll have breakfast. And your time may not be wasted, Citizen. I've got a feeling that it will be quite an eventful day. (The DOCTOR chuckles in ironic agreement.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. RENAN'S SITTING ROOM (IAN is asleep on a chair, while JULES sits at the table. There is a banging from the front door; IAN wakes up, and JULES quickly springs over to the window, draws his pistol, and waits. After a while, a tapping on the sitting room door is heard. JULES tenses as the door opens, then relaxes as he sees DANIELLE enter.) DANIELLE: A message from Leon. The physician won't come here. JULES: Thank you. IAN: But... we must do something for Susan! JULES: Well, If Danielle says the physician won't come here, Susan must be taken to him, that's all. DANIELLE: I'll arrange for a carriage to take them. (She leaves.) IAN: Let me go with Susan. JULES: No, I think it'll look lec- less suspicious if two women were to go. Yes, the physician is reasonably near. (IAN begins to voice his disagreement.) JULES: Yes, Barbara can take her. IAN: I've just found them. I don't want to lose them again. JULES: That's quite understandable. But there's no reason for you to fear for your safety. Besides, there's your meeting with Leon. IAN: Yes, but you haven't arranged it yet... JULES: I can. Ian, it will all be over by today. You'll be able to leave, together. It'll be quicker this way! (IAN sighs.) IAN: Well I don't like it this way. But... JULES: Good. I'll go and fetch Barbara and Susan. (He leaves; as he does so, IAN calls after him.) IAN: And let's hope we can trust the physician! [SCENE_BREAK] 12. SURGERY (A small surgery, the walls of which are lined with medicine bottles and primitive surgical instruments. The PHYSICIAN finishes examining SUSAN, while BARBARA looks on anxiously.) PHYSICIAN: Yes, you appear to have a feverish chill, but it's nothing very serious. BARBARA: Well, that's a relief. PHYSICIAN: All the same, I'm surprised at your condition. Tell me, uh, have you any idea how you came to catch it? SUSAN: No, none. PHYSICIAN: Mm. Your symptoms would suggest that you haven't been looking after yourself. SUSAN: Well, I, I've done nothing unusual. PHYSICIAN: (To BARBARA.) Has she been eating properly? BARBARA: Oh, she has an enormous appetite! Look, doctor, if you could... well, give her something? We appreciate your time's valuable, we've no wish to delay you. PHYSICIAN: Quite so, quite so. There's another thing, your er, your hands. They're very blistered, aren't they? (SUSAN gives the first answer that comes into her head.) SUSAN: We've been doing some gardening. (BARBARA immediately tries to divert the PHYSICIAN's attention from this reply.) BARBARA: Doctor, can you help her? PHYSICIAN: Yes, I'll treat her, it's a simple matter of blood-letting. Unfortunately, I shall have to go out and collect some leeches. You called rather early; I was on my way to collect them first thing this morning. But you're welcome to wait. BARBARA: Well, maybe it would be better if we came back. PHYSICIAN: Come back, no no no, I shall be out all day, you'll have to wait. But please, make yourselves comfortable. (He leaves the building.) SUSAN: Barbara! I don't like him. And I can't stand the thought of having leeches on me! BARBARA: No, and I got the impression that he suspected us. Come on, let's go. (She tries the door, which refuses to open.) SUSAN: It's locked! [SCENE_BREAK] 13. PRISON (The PHYSICIAN is talking to the JAILER. A squad of the prison SOLDIERS falls in nearby.) JAILER: Get a move on! They'll be out of Paris if you don't hurry up! PHYSICIAN: If I'm wrong, there'll be no, er, repercussions, will there, Citizen? JAILER: Don't worry. From what you've told me, it's the escaped prisoners alright. The soldiers will go with you. All you've got to do is to point them out. PHYSICIAN: Yes, yes, I'd better hurry back. JAILER: (To SOLDIERS.) Go with the physician. Right turn! Quick march! (The SOLDIERS march off with the physician.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. SURGERY (SUSAN and BARBARA try unsuccessfully to batter down the door.) BARBARA: Ah, this door's stronger than it looks! SUSAN: He's been gone ages. He'll be back soon. (They hear the sound of footsteps approaching from outside the door.) SUSAN: There's someone coming! (They step back from the door, which is opened from the outside. The PHYSICIAN stands in the doorway with the SOLDIERS.) PHYSICIAN: There they are! (The SOLDIERS grab hold of the two women and drag them away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. RENAN'S SITTING ROOM (JULES enters to join IAN.) IAN: Barbara and Susan aren't back yet. JULES: They'll be alright. It is not unusual to be kept waiting at the physician. IAN: Well I've got a feeling something's gone wrong. JULES: Now don't worry, Ian. I've arranged your meeting with Leon. IAN: Oh, he can wait! JULES: If it'll make you any happier, I'll go and fetch Barbara and Susan. Now if you want to see Leon, you must hurry. He moves around a great deal; it may be your only chance. IAN: But you'll leave immediately? JULES: Yes, of course I will. Leon is at a disused church. You're to go alone. I've explained some of the story. IAN: Ah, so he's not James Stirling. JULES: No. I'll draw a map for you - it'll help you find the way. [SCENE_BREAK] 16. PRISON (BARBARA and SUSAN have been brought in by the SOLDIERS to meet the JAILER. LEMAITRE is watching, and steps out of the corridor from his office.) JAILER: So, you thought you'd escaped. Well, we're not as big a fools as you take us for. Ah, Lemaitre. Two recaptured prisoners. (LEMAITRE motions the JAILER to one side and whispers something to him, out of earshot of the two women.) SUSAN: Barbara, what do you think they're talking about? BARBARA: I don't know - but we'll find out soon enough. (The JAILER and LEMAITRE finish their secret conversation.) JAILER: I'll see that your orders are carried out, Citizen. Take the girl to the cells. (The SOLDIERS grab SUSAN and lead her away.) SUSAN: No! Barbara! (BARBARA tries to follow as SUSAN disappears.) JAILER: Not you. You're wanted for questioning. (He leads her along the short corridor to LEMAITRE's office.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. LEMAITRE'S OFFICE (The JAILER comes in with BARBARA. As she enters, she sees the back of a man dressed in official uniform, looking away from the door. She is unable to see his face, and so does not recognise him as the DOCTOR.) JAILER: Citizen Lemaitre thought you might like to question this prisoner. DOCTOR: What's that? (He raises an arm to dismiss the JAILER, who leaves, shutting the door behind him. The DOCTOR turns round to face BARBARA.) BARBARA: Doctor? DOCTOR: My dear Barbara! BARBARA: Doctor! (She hugs him joyfully.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. INTERIOR, CHURCH CRYPT (IAN arrives at the meeting place, an old, disused and crumbling church crypt. The crypt appears deserted. IAN looks around and moves inside. A figure appears from the shadows behind him; IAN turns.) IAN: Leon? LEON: Yes. You must be Ian. IAN: That's right. LEON: Are you alone? IAN: Yes. Jules said you might be able to help. (IAN hears sounds behind him, and turns to find two SOLDIERS behind him. They are both aiming muskets at his chest.) IAN: Soldiers! (He turns back to face LEON. The Frenchman has drawn a pair of ornate pistols, and also points them at IAN.) LEON: Yes, I know. You walked right into my trap, didn't you, Ian?

The TARDIS materialises not far from Paris in 1794 - one of the bloodiest years following the French Revolution of 1789. The travellers become involved with an escape chain rescuing prisoners from the guillotine and get caught up in the machinations of an English undercover spy, James Stirling - alias Lemaitre, governor of the Conciergerie prison.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_09x20

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_09x20_0

THE MUTANTS BY: BOB BAKER AND DAVE MARTIN 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. SKYBASE ONE ("Hyperion" connects with a Skybase docking port on the top of its hull.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. SKYBASE ONE. RADIATION CHAMBER JO: Well, how long's the Marshal going to keep us down here? COTTON: Who knows? Don't suppose he's worried. (A thought strikes COTTON...) COTTON: Wait a minute - refuelling! JO: Well, what is it? COTTON: The shuttle! KY: What do you mean? COTTON: They'll need to refuel "Hyperion" - the Investigator's shuttle. They should be putting a probe out any minute now. (He looks towards the circular well.) COTTON: Then live thaesium will start flooding through there! We'll all be done for! [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. SKYBASE ONE (A probe extends from the front of "Hyperion" towards Skybase.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE (The DOCTOR sits calmly at the centre table in the MARSHAL'S office. He watches as the man himself slams a fist down on his desk and paces round shouting...) MARSHAL: How much longer am I supposed to run Skybase with my entire crew suspended from duty? I refuse to be treated like a...like a... DOCTOR: Criminal? MARSHAL: I'm warning you, Doctor. (The door to the office has opened. Armed guards have entered but these are men dressed in a white and gold uniform and helmets with 'ECS' displayed on them. They are followed by a cold, authoritative figure dressed in a white robe with golden trimmings. He wears a white headpiece which covers all of his cranium and flows over the shoulders. The effect is rather like that of a High Court Judge updated to the thirtieth century. He carries a folder in his hands. He is accompanied by two like-dressed assistants, one Asiatic in appearance.) INVESTIGATOR: My apologies, Marshal. (He looks at the DOCTOR who has got to his feet.) INVESTIGATOR: And who is this? MARSHAL: Er, it's the Doctor, as I am sure you know. INVESTIGATOR: Your scientific advisor? MARSHAL: (Puzzled.) Well, surely...you know one another? INVESTIGATOR: Should we? DOCTOR: Perhaps I can explain? INVESTIGATOR: Perhaps you can in due course. (The INVESTIGATOR and his assistants cross to and stand on the podium, looking down on the two individuals before them.) INVESTIGATOR: I've read your report, Marshal. And I should like to begin this enquiry, if I may, by discussing certain matters arising from it. You have been accused of some very serious crimes, Marshal. Well? MARSHAL: Well, Investigator, I'm sure you're aware that all Colony Commanders are faced with accusations of this kind. INVESTIGATOR: Some, Marshal. Occasionally, the accusations are justified. That is why I'm here. MARSHAL: Oh, of course, of course. Of course you are. (He crosses to his desk.) MARSHAL: You see, Solos has been beset in recent months with problems. I mean, an upsurge of nationalism, outbreak of plague, constant and growing attacks and sabotage, culminating in the assassination of the Administrator by terrorists on the eve of independence. It was at this point that I decided to impose martial law. INVESTIGATOR: I see. How severe was this martial law? MARSHAL: Oh, rounding up of political suspects... (The INVESTIGATOR consults his folder.) INVESTIGATOR: There's no report here of any trial being held. MARSHAL: Oh, ho, the prisoners were allowed to escape. INVESTIGATOR: (Reading.) By, er, Stubbs and Cotton? MARSHAL: Er, yes. INVESTIGATOR: Now deceased? MARSHAL: Yes. INVESTIGATOR: I see. Continue. MARSHAL: I then took personal control of the operation and tracked these terrorists to their hideout in a disused mine area. INVESTIGATOR: Er, these would be thaesium mines? MARSHAL: Correct, correct, yeah... I ordered the area to be cordoned off and the exits blown up. INVESTIGATOR: And the natives inside? MARSHAL: (Dismissive.) Oh, they were Mutts. INVESTIGATOR: (Puzzled.) Mutts? DOCTOR: He...he means they were all plague victims. They...use the cave as a refuge. MARSHAL: Yes, the terrorists took advantage of their unfortunate compatriots. I had no alternative. INVESTIGATOR: And presumably thousands died as a result of your actions? MARSHAL: Unfortunately, but their condition was incurable. I couldn't allow this risk of the plague spreading. INVESTIGATOR: "Mutts" you say? DOCTOR: Yes, er, "Mutant Natives", sir. It's a local term. Medically speaking "Accelerated genetic metamorphosis". INVESTIGATOR: I see. You are a Doctor, I take it? DOCTOR: I am, yes. INVESTIGATOR: Er, qualified in...? DOCTOR: (Smiles.) Practically everything. INVESTIGATOR: Ah. Well, Doctor, do you agree with the Marshal's diagnosis that the condition of these "Mutts" was incurable? (The DOCTOR glances at the scowling MARSHAL.) DOCTOR: Yes, sir. Yes, I would. (He nods and looks guiltily at the MARSHAL.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. SKYBASE ONE (The probe from the "Hyperion" enters a portal in the hull of Skybase which opens with an iris effect.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. SKYBASE ONE. RADIATION CHAMBER (KY has fallen ill. Badly affected by the radiation, he crouches on the floor, covered in a film of sweat and breathing heavily. JO is trying to help him. She looks up as the entire chamber starts to glow.) JO: Look, the walls! COTTON: Not long now. Now sure you've got is straight, Miss? Any minute now, "Hyperion"'s fuel probe will come through there. (He points to a round port on the opposite side of the wall to the circular wall.) COTTON: That's how we get out - okay? (JO looks at KY.) JO: Yeah. If we don't get out soon, it'll be too late. (The buzzing in the room suddenly takes on a new tone. COTTON pulls JO and KY to their feet and out of the way of the port.) COTTON: Stand back! (The port opens and the large metal probe emerges. The end splits in two and opens vertically.) COTTON: This is it then. Get inside, Miss. JO: Inside? COTTON: Fast as you can - move! (JO who has been helping KY to stand on his feet, dashes inside the open probe. KY starts to collapse but COTTON helps him back up...) COTTON: Ky! Come here! JO: Ky! (...and over to the probe. They dash inside, just before a refuelling probe emerges from the other side of the chamber and connects with that of the "Hyperion". [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE (The DOCTOR watches intently as the INVESTIGATOR whispers with his two assistants.) INVESTIGATOR: (Whispers.) ... You understand? (They nod as the door to the office open and JAEGER enters. He smiles to the INVESTIGATOR and points to the MARSHAL to indicate that he wants to speak to him. The INVESTIGATOR nods and JAEGER bows back. He then crosses to the MARSHAL at his desk and speaks quietly.) JAEGER: Do you realise "Hyperion"'s started refuelling? MARSHAL: Well? JAEGER: Your prisoners are...in the fuel lock. If they caught in the thaesium stream...? MARSHAL: Then they'll be totally destroyed. Convenient, isn't it? (JAEGER looks shocked but before he can react...) INVESTIGATOR: Professor Jaeger, the committee will hear you now. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. "HYPERION". CHAMBER (JO, a weakened KY and COTTON climb out of a port at the other end of the probe and onto a gantry. COTTON pushes them towards a ladder.) COTTON: Up there - quick! JO: Alright. (The three ascend. The room glows brighter and brighter as the thaesium refuelling starts.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. SKYBASE ONE (The "Hyperion" is still connected to Skybase.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. SKYBASE ONE. DOCKING AIRLOCK (The three have made it through the "Hyperion" and back into Skybase. COTTON locks the outer door.) COTTON: Right. (They pass through into Skybase.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. SKYBASE ONE. DOCKING SECTION (A sign on the wall reads: <h5>DOCKING SECTION AIRLOCK</h5> The three cautiously walk in.) JO: (Whispers.) Where are all the guards? COTTON: Worry about that later. Come on. (They run off, KY at a slower pace.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE (JAEGER'S questioning continues...) INVESTIGATOR: Nevertheless, Professor, you were involved in experiments to change this planet's natural atmosphere? JAEGER: In the laboratory - yes. INVESTIGATOR: The accusation is that you mounted a massive operation to convert the atmosphere to one breathable by humans, but not by the native population. JAEGER: Nonsense. INVESTIGATOR: And further, that these experiments were the root cause of the outbreak of mutations. Well? JAEGER: I'm a scientist... (The DOCTOR coughs loudly. JAEGER shoots him a look and continues.) JAEGER: And I rest my case on scientific proof only. Your scientists have made their own tests. The atmosphere of Solos is exactly as it always was. As for the "Mutts"... Er, as for the mutants, I regret that so far, we have found no solution to the problem. INVESTIGATOR: Thank you, Professor, that will be all. (JAEGER bows and stands back. The INVESTIGATOR mutters with his two confederates and then addresses the three men in the room.) INVESTIGATOR: Well, gentleman, we have heard the evidence. In the absence of evidence to the contrary... (The sound of JO outside the room reaches them.) INVESTIGATOR: I have no alternative but to exonerate you from blame... JO: (OOV: Outside the office.) ... just let me pass ... ! INVESTIGATOR: ...and to declare this preliminary hearing closed. (The door slides open to reveal JO struggling with the INVESTIGATOR'S guards outside. She breaks free and runs in towards the DOCTOR.) MARSHAL: Stop them! Stop them! INVESTIGATOR: What is going on here?! Who are these people?! (KY and COTTON are brought in by the guards.) DOCTOR: Investigator! These are the missing witnesses. Jo, er, Miss Grant here, is my assistant, kept hostage... MARSHAL: (Shouts.) Lies, all lies! DOCTOR: Kept hostage to ensure my cooperation in this travesty of justice! (He points at the MARSHAL and JAEGER.) DOCTOR: Investigator, I accuse that man and that man of the most brutal and callous series of crimes against a defenceless people, it's ever been my misfortune to encounter! [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. SOLOS. TRANSFER STATION (SONDERGAARD walks warily into the transfer station on Solos. He sees that it is deserted. He turns and beckons encouragingly to the mutants who stumble into the station. Their body language shows that they are nervous to be in the area.) SONDERGAARD: You see? There is nothing to fear. (He tries to pull one over to a transfer cubicle but it resists.) SONDERGAARD: Look, I cannot help you until I find the Doctor. (He tries to pull another one but it too scurries back.) SONDERGAARD: Oh, very well. I shall go alone, and you will stay as you are now - forever. (SONDERGAARD heads into a cubicle. A mutant tries to pull him back but the Professor shakes it off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE (The MARSHAL sits at his desk while the DOCTOR accuses and berates him...) DOCTOR: You destroyed these poor people for no reason at all. MARSHAL: They would have died anyway! DOCTOR: Not died, Marshal - changed. (The MARSHAL jumps to his feet.) MARSHAL: (Shouts.) It was my duty! My duty to save Solos from contamination! DOCTOR: Duty?! Your idea of duty was to keep this planet for yourself! MARSHAL: (Screams.) They're mutants! Mutts! They're diseased! To be wiped off the face of the planet! I...! (He stops as he sees the DOCTOR'S smile of triumph and realises that he has said too much. His face drops. The DOCTOR calmly walks over to the podium and the watching INVESTIGATOR.) DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Need I say more, Investigator? (The INVESTIGATOR mutters with his two assistants. The MARSHAL and JAEGER watch intently and the DOCTOR and JO whisper between themselves. The INVESTIGATOR turns back to the DOCTOR.) INVESTIGATOR: Can you prove your assertion, Doctor? Perhaps we could see these tablets you mention? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, of course. (He starts to feel in his pockets, but to no avail.) INVESTIGATOR: Well? DOCTOR: Er, no, I'm sorry, sir. Er, I...I forgot. The tablets are in the care of Professor Sondergaard. INVESTIGATOR: Ah yes, you mentioned him in your report. Where is Professor Sondergaard now? DOCTOR: I'm not sure, sir. Somewhere on the surface of Solos, I believe. INVESTIGATOR: I see. And your other proofs the mutations are not harmful? DOCTOR: Well, I can only reassure you that... MARSHAL: (Interrupts.) He can prove nothing! DOCTOR: (To the INVESTIGATOR.) As I say, I can assure you, sir, that...conclusive evidence does exist. MARSHAL: Where? Where is your proof? DOCTOR: (To the INVESTIGATOR.) This present mutation is one of a series of adaptive changes, sir. Solos is moving out of spring into summer, and that is why the Solonians are changing. (The office door opens again. This time, a guard leads SONDERGAARD in.) INVESTIGATOR: What is the meaning of this interruption?! Who is this man?! DOCTOR: This, sir, this is Professor Sondergaard, who's worked and lived on Solos for many years! He can tell you better than I what the Marshal's been doing there! SONDERGAARD: Doctor, I don't understand. What's happening here? DOCTOR: Don't worry, Professor. We're holding a much needed investigation. Thank heavens you've arrived just in time to tell the investigator of our discoveries. SONDERGAARD: Oh, yes. Of course! And I'm sure the Doctor will have told you of our work in the cave. And he will also have told you that we now realise what's made so many of these mutations to go wrong. INVESTIGATOR: Wrong? But the Doctor has said it was a natural process. Why wrong? SONDERGAARD: Well, you see... (The MARSHAL jumps forward.) MARSHAL: There you see? Even Sondergaard admits it - the mutants are evil! Must be destroyed! [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. SOLOS. TRANSFER STATION (The mutants left behind on Solos are nervous at the disappearance of SONDERGAARD. One of them walks cautiously into a cubicle and the door closes behind it. It presses a button as it saw the Professor do and dematerialises...) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. SKYBASE ONE. TRANSFER SECTION (...reappearing on Skybase. It exits the cubicle, looking round in shock. It then moves off as if following a trail to SONDERGAARD.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE SONDERGAARD: (To the INVESTIGATOR, passionately.) I beg not to listen to this man! The mutants are not monsters. They are the native life form of this planet, undergoing a...a natural and inevitable change. This change, however, has been brought about prematurely... (He points at JAEGER.) SONDERGAARD: By that man's rash and careless experiments! JAEGER: That's a lie! Where's your evidence? (The office door slides open. To the shock of all within, the mutant has found its friend and protector.) MARSHAL: (Screams.) Mutts! (The INVESTIGATOR'S guards all raise their guns at the nervous creature.) SONDERGAARD: (Shouts.) No! There's nothing to be afraid of! The mutants are not dangerous unless you try to harm them! MARSHAL: They're evil! Don't deserve to live! SONDERGAARD: That is a rational and intelligent creature! To kill it would be murder! MARSHAL: Destroy it or we'll all be killed! KY: No! (KY tries to pull a gun out of the guard's hands but is easily pushed to the ground. As the mutant scurries from the office, the MARSHAL himself grabs the gun and aims. KY jumps on the MARSHAL to stop him and is again thrown off. The MARSHAL fires once through the open doorway and then sets off in pursuit. The INVESTIGATOR and his men follow.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. SKYBASE ONE. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE MARSHAL'S OFFICE (The MARSHAL easily catches up with the mutant. It turns to face him and he fires point-blank into its stomach. He stands over the corpse as the shocked INVESTIGATOR walks up.) MARSHAL: There! You see what I have to deal with? All these creatures may attack us. I want my men released at once - now! And your men placed under my command! (One of the INVESTIGATOR'S men runs up.) INVESTIGATOR: Release the Marshal's men. Obey his orders during this emergency. (He runs off. The MARSHAL watches him go with a smile. He turns to the others of the INVESTIGATOR'S men.) MARSHAL: You others follow me. [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE (The MARSHAL re-enters his office. There is only JAEGER and COTTON helping a deteriorating KY.) JAEGER: They've gone. MARSHAL: What?! Who? JAEGER: The Doctor, his assistant, Sondergaard - these two weren't quick enough. (The MARSHAL points at two of the "Hyperion" guards.) MARSHAL: Right, after them to the laboratory! Seal all exits! (They run off through the second door to the office.) MARSHAL: Take these two to the radiation chamber! JAEGER: But what about the radiation level? After refuelling, it'll be much higher. MARSHAL: That's their problem, isn't it? Take them away! (The two guards take their prisoners away. Even JAEGER looks unhappy at this order.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. SKYBASE ONE. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR, JO and SONDERGAARD rush into the laboratory. The DOCTOR takes a piece of metal, shaped rather like a door-handle, off a lab table and passes it up to JO on the upper level.) DOCTOR: Jo, take this key - lock the door. JO: Right. (She starts to attach the metal device to the door.) SONDERGAARD: Doctor, the crystal - the one you found in the cave - you have it still? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, of course. (The DOCTOR'S cloak hangs off one of the railings that surround the upper level. He digs in his pocket and extracts the crystal as the sound of gunfire is heard outside the door. He then places it in a tripod.) DOCTOR: Yes. Now, all we've gotta do is analyse its structure. SONDERGAARD: But that will take hours. DOCTOR: Yes, well we haven't got hours. (He points to the remains of his particle reversal lash-up.) DOCTOR: But we do have this. And it will help me to accelerate the process, I think. (He attaches two leads to the crystal.) JO: Well quickly, Doctor! DOCTOR: I'm being as quick as I can, Jo. (He switches his device on. The crystal starts to glow with a bright, intense light.) DOCTOR: Yes, of course! Of course! (He snatches the leads off and takes the crystal out of the tripod.) DOCTOR: The crystal acts as a bio-catalytic agent. Sondergaard, take this crystal to Ky immediately. (He puts the crystal in his hands.) SONDERGAARD: But what about the thaesium radiation? Surely that's the vital part of the process? JO: Well, there's thaesium radiation in the chamber where they took us - Cotton told me. DOCTOR: Well, what else can we do? We must try it. If we hope to achieve a successful mutation, that is. (As the DOCTOR goes over to the cylindrical unit, the door "key" suddenly explodes, the door itself slides open and the MARSHAL and two guards enter the laboratory.) MARSHAL: Get away from that machine, Doctor! Guards, take that girl and Sondergaard to the radiation chamber. (The two are led out.) DOCTOR: So? You've managed to wriggle out of trouble, have you? MARSHAL: I am once more in full control of Skybase, Doctor. A fact you would do well to remember. DOCTOR: Congratulations. Well, what do you want now? MARSHAL: An Earth-type atmosphere on Solos - nothing more, nothing less. Your friends will be confined to the radiation chamber while you work. I am afraid the radiation is at a dangerously high level at the moment, so you'd better hurry, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. SKYBASE ONE. RADIATION CHAMBER (KY is in a worse condition. He lies on the floor of the chamber, thrashing about as if he is consumed by an intense fever. COTTON can only watch helplessly. The entire room glows with the effects of the radiation. The entry hatch opens and SONDERGAARD and JO are pushed in. They immediately join COTTON as the hatch is closed by a guard.) COTTON: I'm afraid Ky's just about had it, Miss. SONDERGAARD: How long has he been like this? COTTON: It started as soon as we got in here. The first dose didn't do him any good. Now this lot on top. SONDERGAARD: The first d...? Oh yes, you were confined here before, weren't you? (He reaches into his pocket and takes the crystal out.) SONDERGAARD: Well, we'll have to hurry. We may already be too late. (He places it in KY'S hands. The Solonian grabs it and hugs it to his chest.) COTTON: Now what? SONDERGAARD: We wait. COTTON: We can't wait too long. (KY suddenly starts to thrash about even more, as if he is having a fit.) JO: Ky! SONDERGAARD: No, no, leave him! (KY starts to calm down again, reducing to a shiver. JO'S eyes widen.) JO: Look! He's changing! (And sure enough, the skin on KY'S hand starts to grow scaly. Within seconds he loses the appearance of having fingers and then, as quickly, the limb turns into a curved mutant claw.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. SKYBASE ONE. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR is at work in the laboratory, watched over by two guards. The MARSHAL stares with satisfaction at his small globe of Solos. The door opens and JAEGER comes in.) MARSHAL: Watch him, Jaeger. That's about all you're good for. So watch him like a hawk. (The DOCTOR smiles at JAEGER and carries out repairs on his particle reversal equipment. The door slides open and the INVESTIGATOR strides in shouting...) INVESTIGATOR: (Furious.) Marshal! MARSHAL: (Warmly.) Investigator. (JAEGER turns, distracted by this entrance. Whilst he is not being watched, the DOCTOR swiftly swaps round two leads in the equipment. Meanwhile, a bare-headed INVESTIGATOR yells across the room at the MARSHAL.) INVESTIGATOR: Why have my men been disarmed and confined to their quarters? (He walks down into the well of the laboratory and stares up at the MARSHAL on the upper level.) INVESTIGATOR: What is this nonsense about my ship not being allowed to leave Skybase? MARSHAL: (Soothing.) Oh, no nonsense, Investigator. I'm sure you and your crew will enjoy your stay on Solos. INVESTIGATOR: Solos? MARSHAL: Yes, as soon as our good friend, the Doctor, here has finished his twiddling, Solos will find itself with a new atmosphere. You and the others will be the first settlers on New Earth. (He stares at his globe.) INVESTIGATOR: And you, Marshal? MARSHAL: (Smiles.) I shall rule from Skybase. INVESTIGATOR: You will never be allowed...! MARSHAL: (Interrupts.) Oh, come now! You didn't think I'd let you return to Earth Council? An accident will be reported - "lost with all hands" I believe is the phrase. INVESTIGATOR: Other ships will come from Earth! MARSHAL: Oh, they'll be room for them. You should be grateful to help me. We'll begin a new Earth - the centre of a new empire. DOCTOR: It's alright, Investigator. He's quite mad. MARSHAL: Oh no, Doctor. I told you: madmen lose, I've won - Solos is mine. Have you finished your work? DOCTOR: Almost. And my companions? MARSHAL: Will be released...as soon as the job is done. [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. SKYBASE ONE. RADIATION CHAMBER (KY stands in one corner of the laboratory, now fully in the form of a mutant. The glow from the thaesium radiation which filled the room is now concentrated around him.) JO: Why is he drawing all the radiation? SONDERGAARD: I don't know, my child. We can only watch and hope. (Suddenly, the mutant flares in a glow and the three watchers have to shield their eyes. The brightness diminishes and they look up to see a new being in the mutant's place. It has its hands to its head, but as it removes them, it seems to tear apart strands like a cocoon. Underneath is the form of a man, but a man who glows with rainbows of energy and who wears long trailing silver robes. The figure floats just above the floor.) SONDERGAARD: It worked! Thank heavens it worked! COTTON: Worked? JO: Ky? Ky, can you hear me? (KY, now with golden hair and a radiant face "speaks" in a high, echoing light voice, but his lips do not move.) KY: I hear you. SONDERGAARD: It's thought transference - that's wonderful! Wonderful! COTTON: Yeah, marvellous. But can he get us out? KY: There is little I cannot do now. Ky thanks you, Professor Sondergaard. You have saved my people. You have shown the way. ("KY" floats towards the wall, growing smaller...and then vanishes.) KY: Goodbye. (He fades out of sight.) JO: Ky! COTTON: Goodbye? Great innit? He just flashes off and leaves us here! (With an almighty crash, the hatch door swings open, seemingly of its own accord.) SONDERGAARD: Out, quickly! Help Miss Grant! (COTTON helps JO up to the hatch and out. He climbs out next, followed by SONDERGAARD.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. SKYBASE ONE. CORRIDOR ("KY" floats along a corridor. He comes to a wall...and fades through it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. SKYBASE ONE. ANOTHER CORRIDOR (Two Skybase guards walk along another corridor. They hear something behind them and turn. To their shock and surprise, "KY" floats past. The being waves its arms and the two men are knocked by a force to the ground. "KY" floats on...) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. SKYBASE. LABORATORY (The guards have left the laboratory. The MARSHAL has one of their guns in his hand keeping the DOCTOR and the INVESTIGATOR prisoner.) MARSHAL: Are we ready? DOCTOR: Yes. MARSHAL: Very well. (The DOCTOR looks coldly at JAEGER and then moves to the cylindrical unit. His hand poises on the lever.) DOCTOR: You do realise, Marshal, that you're about to destroy a life form unique in the history of the universe? MARSHAL: (Quietly.) Hurry, Doctor, hurry. DOCTOR: As you wish. (He puts a finger on a switch.) MARSHAL: Wait! DOCTOR: Change of heart, Marshal? MARSHAL: I still don't trust you. Jaeger? (JAEGER moves to take the DOCTOR'S place. The DOCTOR crosses to join the INVESTIGATOR, glancing at him meaningfully and pulling him into the corner of the laboratory, further away from the unit. The MARSHAL nods at JAEGER who slowly pulls down the levers. The power level starts to rise. JAEGER pulls the levers further. There is a small spark on the unit and then another as the power seems to run out of control.) MARSHAL: (Shouts.) Jaeger! Stop it! JAEGER: (Shouts.) I can't! It's overloading! (Smoke starts to pour out of the unit and the DOCTOR pulls the INVESTIGATOR down to floor level. A second later, a massive explosion tears through the unit, flinging JAEGER to the floor.) DOCTOR: Right - out! (He and the INVESTIGATOR rush to the door but the MARSHAL has been unhurt by the explosion and aims his gun at the two.) MARSHAL: (Shouts.) Doctor! You have destroyed my dreams! I'll destroy you! (Before he can carry out his threat, "KY" appears from nowhere, floating in mid-air. The MARSHAL stares at him, open-mouthed as they hear his thoughts in their heads...) KY: Die, Marshal! Let there be an end to your torture of my people! ("KY" raises his clenched hands. A ray of light spurts from them which hits the MARSHAL. He glows white and vanishes from existence. "KY" turns to the DOCTOR.) KY: I thank you, Doctor - for all my people. Goodbye. (He fades away. The DOCTOR and the INVESTIGATOR look at each other in some surprise.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE (The DOCTOR, JO, COTTON, SONDERGAARD and the INVESTIGATOR are all assembled in what was the MARSHAL'S office.) DOCTOR: Well, Professor Songergaard has agreed to stay on Solos and see as many of the Solonians as possible through to the stage that Ky has already achieved. JO: But what about the others - the mutants we saw in the caves? DOCTOR: They were premature mutations, Jo. The...cycle of changes was triggered off too soon. Rather like butterflies that hatch out on a cold spring day. Their instincts were too confused to...seek out and use the crystal. JO: (To SONDERGAARD.) And now you think you'll be able to help them? SONDERGAARD: Oh yes, we think so. Ky is on Solos now and, with the crystal, we hope we can save them. JO: And what are you going to do, Cotton? COTTON: Give Ky and Professor Sondergaard all the help I can. Try and clear up some of the mess the Marshal made. Then, do something we should have all done a long time ago. JO: What's that? COTTON: Go home, Miss. Back to Earth. INVESTIGATOR: Exactly. Cotton, you will...assume acting command of this base, pending its return to Earth. COTTON: Sir. INVESTIGATOR: (To the DOCTOR and JO.) I take it you will be returning in "Hyperion" with me? (The two start to look uneasy.) INVESTIGATOR: I still require a full account of your involvement in this affair. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, of course, but I...I wonder whether you...you'd excuse us for the moment, Investigator? My assistant is feeling rather faint. JO: (Surprised.) Who, me? No, I'm fine now, honestly. I didn't feel too good earlier, but... DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) Yeah, Jo, now you have been rather overdoing it, you know, and you... JO: I have? DOCTOR: ...you don't look too well. JO: Really? DOCTOR: Come on, yeah. (He takes her by the hand and leads her to the door. He looks back at the three men in the office.) DOCTOR: Will you excuse us? We'll...we'll see you all - later. (They walk out. Those left behind look confused.) INVESTIGATOR: (To SONDERGAARD.) Doctor...who, did you say? [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. SKYBASE ONE. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE STORAGE AREA (The DOCTOR and JO turn a corner. They see a sign for Storage Area 4.) DOCTOR: Well, here we are. JO: Where? DOCTOR: Well, the storage area where we left the TARDIS. JO: Oh! (They go to the door and the DOCTOR presses the palm-print sensor but there is no response.) DOCTOR: Oh, no. They've locked it again. (He starts to explore his many pockets.) JO: More breaking and entering? (But it is JO who takes the sonic screwdriver out of her pocket and holds it up with a smile. The DOCTOR looks up, sees his trust device and snatches it back.) DOCTOR: Give me that! (He pulls her back out of harms way and switches the sonic screwdriver on. After a moment, the panel explodes and the door slides open, revealing the TARDIS beyond.) JO: Oh well, back to the broom cupboard. DOCTOR: Yes, well, at least we've made a clean sweep of this place! (JO looks pained at the joke.) DOCTOR: No? (Neither can keep a straight face and they laugh and walk into the room. As they do so, the two-toned klaxon alarm rings out, then...) TANNOY VOICE: Attention! Attention! Computer confirms malfunction in storage area four. Investigate, please. Investigate, please. (Within the room, the TARDIS materialisation noise starts...) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: EXT. SKYBASE ONE (...as Skybase hangs above the soon to be transformed planet of Solos.)

The Doctor is forced to help the Marshal cover up his actions with the Investigator but Jo and the others attempt to escape to expose him.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_15x03

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_15x03_0

HORROR OF FANG ROCK BY: TERRANCE DICKS Part Three Running time: 23:12 [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Reuben? LEELA: It must have taken Reuben, like the other. DOCTOR: Don't talk to any strangers. [SCENE_BREAK] ADELAIDE: But what was that ghastly scream? PALMERDALE: Oh, control yourself. SKINSALE: Come along, there's no cause for alarm. ADELAIDE: Something terrible has happened, I know it. It was in my stars. I should have listened to Miss Nethercott. SKINSALE: Oh, come now. That's absolute nonsense. You're overwrought. Come along now, pull yourself together. You'll be all right. PALMERDALE: Harker! Where are you going? HARKER (OOV.): Below. PALMERDALE: Insubordinate ruffian. If there is something on this rock, we should stick together. SKINSALE: What, on the principle that it may satisfy its appetite before it reaches you, eh? ADELAIDE: Oh, stop it! PALMERDALE: Fool. Now look what you've done. [SCENE_BREAK] HARKER: Doctor? Where are you? HARKER: Hello? Doctor, are you there? Doctor? HARKER: Reuben? Is something wrong? Reuben? REUBEN: Leave me be. HARKER: Are you all right, man? HARKER: Doctor? Ahoy there! [SCENE_BREAK] SKINSALE: There, they've repaired the lights. It's all right. There's nothing to worry about. PALMERDALE: Listen! SKINSALE: What? PALMERDALE: There's someone outside. ADELAIDE: Oh, Colonel, please PALMERDALE: Shush. SKINSALE: Hello? Doctor? Harker? Oh. It's all right. It's just the old chap. PALMERDALE: Eh? SKINSALE: The keeper. PALMERDALE: What was that cry? Did he say? SKINSALE: He went straight on up. Looked done in, I thought. Adelaide, you ought to lie down. ADELAIDE: Up in that room? Alone? Have you taken leave of your senses? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Well, there's nothing out there now. Were you calling? HARKER: Yes, sir. DOCTOR: Get that door shut. Do you know what I think? LEELA: That the creature killed Reuben. DOCTOR: Probably, probably. HARKER: Reuben's all right, miss. DOCTOR: This electrical LEELA: What did you say? HARKER: I said Reuben's all right. I've just seen him. LEELA: Are you certain? DOCTOR: Got it! U by Q over R. LEELA: Doctor, did you hear that? DOCTOR: Shush. LEELA: What are you doing? DOCTOR: Thinking. DOCTOR: Yes, it's certainly been here. You see, in the space surrounding an electrically charged body there occurs an electric potential which is proportional to the charge Q, and inversely proportional to the distance R from the centre. Where is he? HARKER: What? LEELA: Who? DOCTOR: Reuben. I thought you said you'd seen him. HARKER: Er, yes, sir, going up stairs, looking as if he'd seen a ghost. DOCTOR: Then why didn't you tell me? HARKER: I told miss, sir. DOCTOR: Why am I standing here wasting my time trying to work out its size? HARKER: I don't know, sir. DOCTOR: If Reuben's seen it, he can tell us. LEELA: That is what I thought, but of course I am only a savage. DOCTOR: Come on, savage. Harker? HARKER: Yes? DOCTOR: Try and find some way to secure that door, hmm? HARKER: Yes, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] PALMERDALE: I don't suppose in your service in the Engineers they taught you anything useful, like how to operate one of these gadgets, Jimmy? SKINSALE: Do you suppose if they did, I'd send a message for you? PALMERDALE: We could make a killing, old boy. I'd split the profit. SKINSALE: I'd be ruined, and you know it. You seem to think that money's the only thing DOCTOR: Where's Reuben? PALMERDALE: Reuben. SKINSALE: Well, he was out there a short while ago. Looked a bit groggy, I thought. DOCTOR: Groggy? SKINSALE: Yes. ADELAIDE: Doctor, what was that terrible cry? DOCTOR: Thank you very much. Come on, Leela. ADELAIDE: Well, really. His manners are quite insufferable. SKINSALE: Things on his mind, by the look of him, eh, Henry? PALMERDALE: We all have. ADELAIDE: As for the girl, I think she's tied to him by a piece of string. SKINSALE: Where do you suppose his Lordship's gone? ADELAIDE: Is it important? None of us can leave this dreadful place. SKINSALE: Some men make me nervous when I'm with them. Salisbury, Bonar Law. With your employer, it's the opposite effect. I get nervous when he's out of my sight. ADELAIDE: Oh, Colonel, you're not leaving me all alone. SKINSALE: It's all right. Back in a tick. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Reuben? Reuben, are you in there? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): Can you hear me? DOCTOR (OOV.): Reuben, open the door. I want to talk to you. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Solid oak. LEELA: Why does he not answer? DOCTOR: Because he's not listening. LEELA: Not listening? DOCTOR: Shock can close the mind, Leela. He could be like that for hours. Days, even. LEELA: Days? What are you going to do? DOCTOR: Someone's got to keep this place running. Go and tell Harker to stay where he is and keep the boiler pressure up. LEELA: Keep the boiler pressure up. Keep the boiler pressure up. Keep the [SCENE_BREAK] PALMERDALE: So, it's a lonely life you chaps lead here, eh? VINCE: You get used to it, sir. PALMERDALE: I suppose they don't pay you too well, either. VINCE: Oh, it's not so bad. You get your keep and it's steady work. PALMERDALE: Still, you'd not be averse to earning a little extra, say fifty pounds? VINCE: Fifty pounds! PALMERDALE: I have to get a message to London rather urgently. I assume you know how to use that equipment downstairs? VINCE: Yes, sir, but it's the official telegraph. PALMERDALE: Look, when I say fifty pounds, I mean fifty pounds now. It's all I happen to be carrying. There'll be as much again for you when I get back to London. VINCE: A hundred pound! That be a fortune. I don't want to get mixed up in nothing wrong. PALMERDALE: Look, I'm a businessman. How could there be anything wrong? PALMERDALE: Here's the message. I've written it in code. DOCTOR (OOV.): Vince? PALMERDALE: Don't worry, nothing's wrong. DOCTOR (OOV.): Vince! VINCE: Yes, sir? PALMERDALE: (quietly) Remember, say nothing. DOCTOR: You all right? VINCE: Yes, I'm fine. DOCTOR: Good. I want to talk to you, Vince. [SCENE_BREAK] HARKER: There. That ought to do the trick, eh, miss? LEELA: Solid oak. HARKER: Hickory, more likely, miss. LEELA: Oh, Harker, I have a message from the Doctor. He said Reuben will not answer, so you must stay here and keep the boy pressure up. HARKER: Er, boiler pressure, miss? LEELA: That is what I said. HARKER: Right you are, miss. [SCENE_BREAK] VINCE: What do you reckon Reuben saw, Doctor? DOCTOR: I don't know, Vince, but I think we'll find out by sunrise. VINCE: Well, if it's the Beast come back, well, last time they found two of the keepers dead and t'other mad with fear. Well, Ben's dead, in't he? Reuben's mad. There's only me left now. DOCTOR: That's superstitious nonsense, Vince. VINCE: Is it? Look what happened to Ben! DOCTOR: There are eight of us here. If it attacks again, we'll be ready and waiting. All the advantage is with us. Eight to one. [SCENE_BREAK] ADELAIDE: You've no right to say such things, Colonel. Lord Palmerdale has always been the kindest and most considerate of employers. SKINSALE: Oh, to you, no doubt, though my experience of him has been somewhat different. ADELAIDE: You have enjoyed his friendship. Indeed, more than just his friendship. He's been most generous to you as I now know. SKINSALE: A sprat to catch a mackerel. ADELAIDE: What is that supposed to mean? SKINSALE: He intends to make far more money out of me than I've ever had from him. ADELAIDE: Oh, nonsense. SKINSALE: Oh, it's true. ADELAIDE: Lord Palmerdale is already a millionaire. How could you possibly bring him further financial advantage? SKINSALE: Because your precious employer is a crook and a skunk, my dear, with no scruples about destroying my honour. ADELAIDE: How dare you! I refuse to listen to another word. Furthermore, I shall find his Lordship and tell him just what a perfidious so-called friend you are! SKINSALE: I thought you might. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Reuben? Reuben, hear me. If you do not unlock this door now, I shall smash it down. Do you understand? [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA (OOV.): Reuben! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: So then, Harker keeps the boiler stoked, and you stay on the siren. VINCE: All right, Doctor, if you think that's best. DOCTOR: I do. VINCE: You sure it'd be no good me having a word with Reuben? DOCTOR: No, no, no. You stay here, Vince. Do what you've got to do. DOCTOR: Stay here, Vince. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Come out, old one! LEELA: You do not want the old one? DOCTOR: He'll come out when he's ready. ADELAIDE: Is his Lordship up here? DOCTOR: No. There's no one in the lamp room except the keeper. Go back to the crew room. ADELAIDE: I must find him. DOCTOR: Get back to the crew room! DOCTOR: The Malicious Damage Act 1861 covers lighthouses. LEELA: What? DOCTOR: Nothing. [SCENE_BREAK] VINCE: He's gone, sir. Your Lordship? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Leela, get Harker up here, then try and find Palmerdale. LEELA: The cowardly one? DOCTOR (OOV.): Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] ADELAIDE: Doctor! DOCTOR: Shush. SKINSALE: What's all this about, Doctor? DOCTOR: Survival, Colonel. SKINSALE: Survival? DOCTOR: Yes. Yours, mine, all of us. SKINSALE: Oh, this mysterious beast that eats lighthouse keepers. DOCTOR: Do you find that difficult to accept, Colonel? SKINSALE: Oh come, Doctor, I'm a man of intelligence, of education. DOCTOR: Quite so, quite so, and I don't believe in mythical sea creatures either. ADELAIDE: Then why do you suggest that we're in danger? DOCTOR: Because somewhere out there is a hostile alien from a distant planet, and I believe it intends to destroy us. SKINSALE: A hostile alien from a distant planet? DOCTOR: Yes. ADELAIDE: You call yourself a doctor? That's the most insane suggestion I've heard in my life. LEELA: Doctor, I cannot find the cowardly one. DOCTOR: I've never been more serious, Colonel. We are facing an enemy of greater power than you can dream of. SKINSALE: I do appreciate the scientific romanticism of Mister Wells, Doctor, but HARKER: Yes? DOCTOR: Herbert may have a few unimportant facts wrong, but his basic supposition is sound enough. HARKER: Doctor? DOCTOR: You think your little speck in the galaxy's the only one with intelligent life, hmm? Yes? (listens) How very interesting. ADELAIDE: What's interesting? DOCTOR: That was Vince. ADELAIDE: What's happened? DOCTOR: He says he thinks Lord Palmerdale's fallen from the lamp gallery. SKINSALE: Fallen? But the railing. You can't, well, he can't have fallen. DOCTOR: I agree. The question is, do we go out and see? SKINSALE: Well, of course! I mean (pause) You really believe in this thing, don't you. DOCTOR: I do. Leela, stay here. Come on. ADELAIDE: I told him we shouldn't have come, but he wouldn't listen. He laughed when I said Miss Nethercott had seen tragedy in my stars. LEELA: In your stars? ADELAIDE: If only we'd stayed in Deauville. I knew something ghastly would happen. Her predictions are never wrong. LEELA: I understand. She is your shaman. ADELAIDE: What? No, Miss Nethercott is an astrologer. The finest. I consult her every month. LEELA: A waste of time. I too used to believe in magic, but the Doctor has taught me about science. It is better to believe in science. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Harker, secure the door. Come with me, Skinsale. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Shush. ADELAIDE: Oh, no! LEELA: Quiet! Has she never seen death before? ADELAIDE: I can't bear it! SKINSALE: Adelaide, come along. You must be brave. Adelaide. ADELAIDE: Take your hands off me! You did it! You killed him! SKINSALE: Me? Oh, don't be so ridiculous. ADELAIDE: You went out after him, you followed him and then you pushed him. SKINSALE: I was never in the lamp room. ADELAIDE: Then where were you! SKINSALE: True, I followed him, but only to find out what he was up to. ADELAIDE: You did it, I know you did it. LEELA: Enough! DOCTOR: And what was he up to? SKINSALE: He was trying to bribe that young keeper to telegraph a message to his brokers. DOCTOR: Ah. And so you came down here and wrecked the telegraph. SKINSALE: It was the only way I could think of stopping him. I'd have been dishonoured, ruined. DOCTOR: Of course. So to protect your honour, you've put all our lives in danger. SKINSALE: What? ADELAIDE: You mean we've no way of contacting the mainland now? DOCTOR: Oh, no. We're on our own now. [SCENE_BREAK] HARKER: Hello, shipmate. HARKER: How are you feeling now? [SCENE_BREAK] SKINSALE: I did not harm him, Adelaide. I swear it. ADELAIDE: Then who did? SKINSALE: I don't know. Harker, perhaps. ADELAIDE: Harker? SKINSALE: Why not? He attacked Henry earlier, blamed him for wrecking the ship. ADELAIDE: That's absurd. SKINSALE: It's no more absurd than thinking that I might have DOCTOR: Murdered him? I wish you had. ADELAIDE: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Well, if you had murdered Palmerdale, everything would have been so much simpler. Unfortunately, he was dead before he hit the ground. SKINSALE: What? DOCTOR: Electrocuted. He was killed by a massive electric shock, in exactly the same way the keeper was. SKINSALE: In the lamp gallery? That's not possible. That would mean that this creature can climb sheer walls. DOCTOR: Oh, not only can it climb sheer walls, it's amphibious, it has some affinity with electricity and the technological ability to adapt its environment to optimum thermal levels. Are you following me? SKINSALE: No. DOCTOR: It likes the cold. DOCTOR: Not enough data to place the species. LEELA: Yes? DOCTOR: But heat might be a method of defence. LEELA: That was Vince. He said the boiler pressure has fallen, and the siren will not sound. DOCTOR: Harker. [SCENE_BREAK] ADELAIDE: Oh, no! DOCTOR: Get her out of here! LEELA: Like the others? DOCTOR: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Rigor mortis. LEELA: What is that? DOCTOR: He's been dead for hours. LEELA: But that is not possible. He was in his room. DOCTOR: Not Reuben. LEELA: But he was! I saw him. DOCTOR: The chameleon factor, sometimes called lycanthropy. Leela, I've made a terrible mistake. I thought I'd locked the enemy out. Instead, I've locked it in, with us.

A death scream is heard, yet all are accounted for. Eventually the Doctor finds a body stashed away but hours old, with rigor mortis already settling in, which means there's a chameleon in their midst. Completely cut off from the rest of the world and with an escalating body count, the Doctor wonders just what, exactly, he's locked inside the lighthouse with them all.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_06x03

fd_Gilmore_Girls_06x03_0

(OPEN in Lorelai's living room, morning. Lorelai is sleeping and PA is lying on the floor near by. Lorelai wakes up and get's out of bed) LORELAI: (to PA) Hi! Lets get us a little breakfast. Come on. Come, Paul Anka. (CUT to Lorelai's kitchen, continuous. PA enters the kitchen and sits on a chair. Lorelai follows him and proceeds to prep up what seems to be a breakfast bouffe) (CUT to outside of Lorelai's house, continuous. The construction crew is working on the house while Lorelai walks out on the porch) LORELAI: (to workers) Breakfast! Get it while it's room temperature and nutrient-free! (CUT to Lorelai's kitchen, continuous. The crew is crammed in the kitchen helping themselves to breakfast) LORELAI: Milk, cream, and sugar's on the table. Flo's got coffee. Who needs a jolt? WORKER1: I do. LORELAI: OK. (pours him coffee) Inspect the bagels closely, because the expiration date was in Braille, apparently, and either they're new or from my baby shower. I'm also sorry to report that we are currently out of the brown sugar cinnamon pop-tarts..(hold up the pop-tart bag) WORKERS: (disappointed) Ohh! LORELAI: Huh! Don't "ohh!" me. You guys've been playing favourites all week and now it's time to pay the piper. So someone be a man, suck it up and start eating the shredded wheat. (puts the new box of pop tarts on the table) WORKERS: (they groan) Ah...come on... LORELAI: Cowards. (a worker extends his watch hand to pet PA who's still sitting on the chair, Lorelai stops him) Oh, hey, ooh! Remember, people, only pet the dog with your non-watch hand. In case you don't remember: Watches cause him to freak out, jump up on the counter, and kick my once-working toaster across the room. LUKE: (entering the kitchen holding a big box from Luke's) Your muffins. LORELAI: My...what? LUKE: You left me an urgent message about needing muffins. LORELAI: Oh, Right! (to workers) Muffins, boys! LUKE: These were for them? LORELAI: Oh, no. They were for me. I thought I'd try to eat my weight in muffins today. LUKE: Does the dog have to sit in the chair like that? LORELAI: Like what? His posture's perfect. LUKE: Chairs are for people. LORELAI: Not that chair. That's Paul Anka's chair. LUKE: Dogs are filthy. They have fleas and malaria on them. You shouldn't have fleas and malaria in the room that you're gonna eat in. LORELAI: I don't eat in here, (pointing to the workers) they do. LUKE: (to workers) Enjoying your free breakfast there, fellas? Nice free coffee there, Craig. Nice free muffin there, Benny. LORELAI: Gee, Luke. I don't think they know what you're getting at. LUKE: OK. That?s good. You done here? Cause Tom wants to talk to us. (CUT to outside of Lorelai's house, continuous. Luke and Lorelai walk on the porch. TJ is walking amongst the workers bossing them around. Tom is also around) TJ: All right, Norman. I'm gonna need you to find me some cripple studs for that bearing wall we're putting in. Cause once that sucker's vertical, we got to be ready to nail in those joists. TOM: Just keep doing what you're doing there, and then bring those tools up to Chick. TJ: So, Steve, later today we're gonna need to dig a footing drain all around the perimeter about 5 feet deep. That ought to keep the basement dry. Hey Jim...(walks away) STEVE: (to Tom) This house doesn't have a basement. TOM: No, it certainly does not.(Tom approaches Luke and Lorelai who are standing on the porch) LUKE: OK! This is ridiculous. How long are you gonna let TJ think that he's the contractor? LORELAI: To the very end, my friend. LUKE: This is stupid. We have to tell him the truth. LORELAI: No, look how happy he is strutting around in his tool belt and shiny silver helmet. You know he polishes that thing every night after work? LUKE: Really? LORELAI: Yes, really! With real silver polish. That's what he thinks silver polish is for: to polish anything that's silver. I think that's adorable. TOM: And the good news is, he's got terrible instincts. But he combines that with absolutely zero follow-through, so it all works out in the end. LORELAI: (to Luke) Huh? Terrible instincts, zero follow-through... all the qualities you want in a good pretend contractor. LUKE: But we're paying TJ a contractor's salary to do a job that he's not actually doing. And you're paying Tom an extra 10% to pretend he's not doing a job that TJ thinks he's doing but Tom is actually doing. You should hire Blake Edwards as your contractor. TOM: Oh, no! TJ'S playing with the circular saw. (runs towards TJ) LUKE: (mumbling) Oh, man... LORELAI: What!...Tom will get to him before he even finds the "on" switch. LUKE: We're going to tell him. LORELAI: Luke, he is your brother-in-law. LUKE: Just because Liz married him. LORELAI: Yeah, but this makes him happy. Which makes Liz happy, which will make you happy, which will make me happy. LUKE: Well, just so you know, I'm gonna oversee this entire thing. OK? I'm gonna make sure TJ doesn't blow the house up. LORELAI: And I appreciate that. Now will you please go make the guys an extra pot of coffee? I'm gonna go to Babette's and take a shower. LUKE: Why? Your shower's working. LORELAI: oh..well..yeah...we just had a little incident in here yesterday. LUKE: What kind of an incident? LORELAI: Nothing big. Some of the guys saw me naked. LUKE: What? LORELAI: It's no big thing. LUKE: How in hell did a couple of guys see you naked? LORELAI: Well I was getting out of the shower, and Joe... LUKE: Joe? Joe saw you naked? LORELAI: And Pete. LUKE: Pete! LORELAI: Well Pete was with Joe, and then Slim... LUKE: Slim saw you naked?! LORELAI: Well I could see him, so I assume he could see me. Billy had the best view, just a straight shot right down main street. LUKE: So four guys saw you naked? LORELAI: Well if you don't count Teddy, then yes! LUKE: What in the hell were those guys doing up there in the first place? LORELAI: TJ accidentally sent them up. LUKE: I'm gonna kill him. LORELAI: Luke, it was no big deal. Please! We all laughed about it. Look, from now on, I'm showering at Babette's, so show's over. No one sees the goods but you. OK? (Lorelai kisses Luke and exits. She walk past Norman who then approaches Luke, pats him on the back and gives him an approving nod. Luke does not look pleased) (OPENING CREDITS) (CUT to Gilmore mansion dining room, morning. Rory and Emily are sitting at the table, having breakfast. A maid serves them) RORY: They're good. EMILY: They're stale. And the blueberries aren't even blue. They're red. My God! These blueberries are red! RORY: They're raspberries. EMILY: Well the box said they were blueberry. It was printed right on the side. RORY: Actually, I was in the kitchen, and the box said... EMILY: (cuts Rory off) She just kills me, that woman. RORY: It really wasn't as provocative as you think, Grandma. EMILY: (picks up a piece of paper and starts reading from it) "On my last visit to the office, I noticed the foliage on the right side of the entrance looked a little peaked. We might want to let the gardener know. Ta, ladies." RORY: Again. It's not exactly Martin Luther nailing the 95 theses to a door. EMILY: It's implying that I have no control over my hirelings at the DAR. I'm the president. The foliage on the right side of the door, which looks fine, by the way, is my responsibility. This is a direct frontal assault on my leadership. The woman's plotting a coup. RORY: This is Constance, right? EMILY: Constance Betterton. Ever since the Mastersons' Christmas party, when I mentioned that Constance's husband sells used cars for a living, which he does - he calls them "pre-owned", but they are used - she's had it in for me. She's gonna run against me in the next election. You don't try to oust a president of the DAR, after one term. It's an insult! RORY: I think you will beat her handily. EMILY: Did I tell you she tried to push me down the stairs once? RORY: Look, Grandma. Don't worry. You have someone on the inside now. RORY: I do? Who? RORY: Me. EMILY: Oh. Yes! RORY: I'll keep an eye on Constance, from now on. Let you know when she comes in, when she uses the computer, when she's inspecting the landscaping... EMILY: Well, that's wonderful! But stay out of the stairwell. RORY: Will do. EMILY: (starts eating her breakfast) Mmm! Raspberry. I like raspberry! (CUT to Community Service, morning. Rory is walking around doing her Community service with great ease and determination. She seems to have taken up a leading role in the whole garbage picking thing) COMMUNITY WORKER1: Twist ties? RORY: Twist ties over there. Is that bag half full or half empty, Jules? Oh, you're making me an optimist, my friend. LIZA: (walks up to Rory) Rory? RORY: Liza? LIZA: (needy) Rory? RORY: No! We agreed. Not until the end of your shift. LIZA: But, I don't think the patch works on me. (she lifts her shirt a bit to reveal her stomach, and we see she's wearing several nicotine patches) RORY: That is like a billion milligrams of nicotine. LIZA: Is that bad? RORY: Just, go sit by the cooler, have some water, and take those off. (Liza walks away) ROAD SUPERVISOR: (approaches Rory) Problem? RORY: No. I just told her to get water. She seems really dehydrated. ROAD SUPERVISOR: Looks pretty good. RORY: Yeah! I think we've hit a really good rhythm here. I've paired up Rinaldi and Spiro, which worked out very efficiently. Sanderson got a little grumpy toward the end of the day, but it's 'cause he wants to be noticed, and he is by far our best spearman. Also we need to remember to pack a couple of extra trash spears tomorrow. The McFarland brothers are using the trash pickup to get out some of that pent-up aggression, which is psychologically healthy but hard on the equipment. ROAD SUPERVISOR: Got it. So, what's it looking like? RORY: Well, our quota's up. The kids are tired. I think it's time to call it a day. ROAD SUPERVISOR: Do it! RORY: All right, everybody. Let's bring it in! (the community workers start gathering their stuff) LIZA: Hey! A bunch of the girls are going out for pizza, if you want to come. COMMUNITY WORKER2: I'll come. LIZA: Are you a girl? COMMUNITY WORKER2: No. RORY: I would, but I can't. I've got a 3-hour shift at the nursing home. LIZA: I can't believe how much community service they stuck you with. What the hell'd you do? RORY: I shot a man in Reno. (Liza starts laughing and after bit it turns into coughing) Give it! (Liza gives Rory a pack of cigarettes, and the girls start to walk off, while Liza is still coughing) (CUT to Dragonfly Inn, morning. Lorelai and Paris are having some sort of lunch date at the Inn dining room. They are sitting at a table, Paris is talking and Lorelai looks bored) PARIS: The truth is, this is the first time in my life that I've consistently spent the night with a man. LORELAI: Uh huh... PARIS: I don't know the rules. Obviously, the clothes have to come off for the actual s*x part of the evening, but, afterward, what are you supposed to do? I mean nightgowns are obviously out, but wearing nothing seems extreme. And, in case of fire, completely impractical. LORELAI: I'm sure. PARIS: I wore a camisole one night. It almost strangled me. And I'm definitely not a teddy girl, so what does that leave? LORELAI: Um...t-shirts. PARIS: But what does a t-shirt say about me? LORELAI: Well... PARIS: More importantly: what does it say to Doyle about me? LORELAI: Sweetie, it's just a t-shirt. They don't tend to be that chatty. PARIS: I don't know. Maybe I should reconsider the "completely naked" option. After all, I'm 21. If not now, when? I mean, right now, my ass is probably as good as it's ever going to get. I should exploit that, right? LORELAI: Absolutely! Buy a video camera and go to town. PARIS: You know what? I'm starting to fade here. LORELAI: Oh, me too. Listen, it's been a terrific lunch... PARIS: I think I'll get another espresso. LORELAI: Actually, we're out of espresso. PARIS: You are? LORELAI: Yes! Uh...We shut the machine down at three o'clock to give it a rest. 'Cause it's Italian, so it's a little temperamental. PARIS: Oh. Okay. Well, then, I guess I should... LORELAI: (cuts Paris off)...Go? Really? Okay. Well, hmm. (she gets up and Paris follows her lead, then Lorelai starts kinda pushing Paris towards the Inn's main entrance) Sweetie, it's been a blast, again. PARIS: OK. So, I guess I'll see you Tuesday. LORELAI: Yeah, Tuesday. Perfect. Can't wait. Mmmmmkay. (Paris exits the Inn and Lorelai walks away) (CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, continuous. Michel is standing there doing...well nothing, as Sookie is working and Lorelai walks in) MICHEL: Is she gone? LORELAI: Yes, she's gone. MICHEL: Thank God! LORELAI: I can't believe you're in here hiding from a little girl. (walks over to the coffee pot and starts pouring some in a cup) MICHEL: Oh, yes, you can. LORELAI: She has a tough exterior, but on the inside Paris is... MICHEL: Tokyo Rose! LORELAI: She's lonely. She does not have a lot of friends. SOOKIE: No! Shocker! LORELAI: Sookieeee... SOOKIE: No! No "Sookie". She's horrible. I mean, she sends everything back twice, and she makes the waiters write down exactly what she wants me to know is wrong with the food. MICHEL: At least you're hidden in here. I'm out there, behind a desk, exposed to all of her elements. LORELAI: Michel! MICHEL: She mocked my accent. She called me "Canadian". SOOKIE: It's enough already. I won't cook for her anymore. MICHEL: (distasteful) Lunches. SOOKIE: Twice a week for three weeks? MICHEL: They are creepy. The next thing you know, you'll be carrying Emmanuel Lewis around on your shoulders. SOOKIE: We don't have time for this, Lorelai. We have a wedding this week. I've got a menu to plan and a cake to design. I don't have time to map out the fish patterns for my wild salmon. LORELAI: OK, OK! I'm sorry if she's bothering you guys. I... What can I do? I gave her my cell phone number. I told her to call, I just didn't think she'd use it sooo often. SOOKIE: Well, cut it off. LORELAI: I feel sorry for her. MICHEL: No one likes to be pitied. LORELAI: Fine. I have to cut it off. I know. I will. MICHEL: Do you promise? LORELAI: I promise. SOOKIE: Good! Because I've got a lot of work to do. And we've got a ton of planning to do for this wedding next week, and the menu's a mess, and the cake... (gasps) I was thinking about doing a red velvet cake, but I don't know. And I'm using this wedding as a trial run, so it has to be perfect. LORELAI: A trial run for what? SOOKIE: For your wedding. LORELAI: oh. SOOKIE: Yeah...Which will be when? LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: When? LORELAI: When what? SOOKIE: When will you be getting married? I'm gonna need a date. LORELAI: we...We haven't set one yet. SOOKIE: well...I had Michel black out all of July for next year. LORELAI: You what! SOOKIE: I figured you and Luke for an outdoorsy summer wedding. LORELAI: Who and Luke? SOOKIE: July 23rd is my pick, but I am flexible. LORLAI: Michel, unblack it out. MICHEL: I told you. LORELAI: "I told you" what? MICHEL: I told her that you were not getting married. LORELAI: I am getting married. SOOKEI: (disappointed and a bit shocked) You were right. You called it. MICHEL: The woman can't commit to a purse, much less a man. LORELAI: I am getting married. SOOKIE: I am so naive. I believed. MICHEL: Live and learn. LORELAI: Hey! I am getting married. I am. We will set a date. And we will get married on that date. And I've had the same purse for almost a year, thank you very much. MICHEL: Of course. My mistake. Now let me go cancel your wedding plans. (exits) LORELAI: (calls after Michel) Those are not my wedding plans. They are Sookie's wedding plans. SOOKIE: Well! Fine, then! What are your wedding plans? LORELAI: They haven't been formalized, yet. SOOKIE: What does that mean? LORELAI: Sookie, come on! I got men running around my house, a completely destroyed bedroom. Things are crazy right now. When they calm down, and Luke and I get a chance to breathe, we will talk and set the date. Until then, can we drop it, please? SOOKIE: Fine. It's dropped. MICHEL: (runs in the kitchen) She's back! She's coming back! SOOKIE: No! LORELAI: Why?! MICHEL: I don't know why. Maybe she left her phone or her spell book. All I knw is she's heading back toward the Inn, and I'm not going out until she leaves. LORELAI: Michel, you're being ridiculous. You're a grown man and you have a job to do. MICHEL: So do you. And I don't see you rushing out. LORELAI: Well, I can't, 'cause I'm not done with my coffee yet. (holds up her cup) Mmm! Good to the last drop. (CUT to DAR office, morning. Rory is sitting at her desk typing something oh her PC. The phone rings. Rory picks it up) RORY: Daughters Of The American Revolution. Mrs. Tarkington, yes. I've got your application right here. Sandra Tarkington. Um...I guess we just need to make 100% sure that you're related to a verifiable patriot, because we couldn't substantiate it on our end. Well, see, that's the thing. The fact that you found a musket in your great-uncle's attic doesn't necessarily mean you're related to a revolutionary war patriot. Yeah. (Emily comes in the office) Unfortunately. Even if your great-uncle Nate swore on your aunt Kissy's grave that it was so. It's documented genealogy, preferably notarised. Could you hold on for a moment? (Puts the call on hold. To Emily) Psst. Where's Julia? EMILY: Slinked to the back after I tore down Constance's letter. RORY: Good, 'cause I've got some gossip. EMILY: (sits on a chair. Excited and in a co spiriting manor) My own little Valerie Plame. What's the news? RORY: OK. So, I was at lunch with some of the girls, and I started sniffing around. Just casually asking if anyone had any funny stories about Constance. EMILY: You sly fox! RORY: So, one of the girls tells me that about three months ago, she was in the office with Constance, and as Constance was heading out for lunch, she stumbled and dropped her purse, and her altoids box popped open, spilling out enough funny-looking pills to fill a pharmacy. Constance claimed that they were all vitamins. Julia didn't buy it. Because he minute the pills spilled out, Constance threw herself on top of them to cover them up. EMILY: A cover-up! That's good! That's what took Nixon down. Oh, this is so exciting! I love having a mole. We should go buy you a trench coat and fedora. RORY: I suggested to the girls that next week we invite Constance to lunch. Get a couple drinks in her and see what comes up. EMILY: Who knew that behind such a sweet face lurked the soul of a spy? RORY: I prefer the term "woman of mystery and intrigue". (cell phone rings) Excuse me. (answers the phone) Hello? PARIS: (on the phone) Rory? RORY: Oh, hey, Paris. (Emily gets up) PARIS: (on the phone) Hey. We need to talk. Is this a bad time? (Emily excuses herself) RORY: (whispering to Emily) Okay. (to Paris on the phone) No, no, now's a fine time. What's up? PARIS: (at the Yale coffee stand. Scene cuts between Paris at Yale, and Rory at the office) Good. This hard-to-reach thing was getting old. RORY: I'm all yours, Paris. PARIS: I have to put down a security deposit today, by five o'clock, or we lose the place. RORY: What place? PARIS: Our place. RORY: Our place where? PARIS: Our off-campus place. You're hard to reach in a myriad of ways. RORY: Paris, we don't have a place. I'm not moving off campus with you. PARIS: Why? RORY: Because I no longer go to campus. PARIS: So you're sticking with this "not going to Yale" thing of yours? RORY: Yes, I am. PARIS: Is this about the boat? RORY: How do you know about the boat? PARIS: Oh, come on. It's out there. RORY: Out there? Why is it out there? How is it out there? PARIS: I read about it on Rebecca Thurston's blog. RORY: You're kidding. PARIS: Dead serious. RORY: I thought Rebecca Thurston's blog was just about all the guys she has s*x with and how much she hates her mother. PARIS: That's true. But the boat you guys stole belongs to Dr. Daniel Zimmerman, whose son is Jason Zimmerman, who Rebecca Thurston had s*x with on her father's boat last semester. RORY: I can't believe I'm in the blogosphere. PARIS: Hey, see for yourself. Just Google "Rory Gilmore s*x boat". RORY: Oh, my god. PARIS: Is it true you and Logan tried to outrace the Connecticut coast guard? RORY: Rent the apartment, Paris. I'm not coming back to Yale. PARIS: You know, you've put me in a very difficult position. Now what if I end up renting the room to a rapist or serial killer? RORY: I told you over two months ago that I was not coming back. And besides, i think Yale is pretty good about screening for rapists and serial killers. PARIS: There was no sense of finality in our last conversation. RORY: There was a total sense of finality. PARIS: Well, you can believe that if you want to, but if I end up on the front page of the Hartford Courier btk'd to death, you'll know why. RORY: Goodbye, Paris. (hangs up and sits on her desk. She sighs in frustration) (CUT to Lorelai's house, night. At the door we see Luke's shape behind the class window, knocking. From inside the house you can hear the laughter of a few men and Lorelai. Nobody is getting the door so Luke helps himself in) LORELAI (OS) : OK guys, let me just get in character here. (the men laugh) LUKE: (while coming in the house) Hello? (CUT to Lorelai's living room, continuous. Luke walks in. Lorelai is apparently entertaining the workers) LORELAI: (in a fake male voice) I will find you, no matter how long, no matter how far! I will find you! LUKE: What the hell's going on here? LORELAI: Hey, Luke. I'm just doing my Daniel Day Lewis retrospective for the guys. NORMAN: You should see her rendition of "My Left Foot" LUKE: Yeah. I've seen it. Thanks. LORELAI: No, no! This time, I did it with my right foot. Totally different. Here, I'll show you. (to a worker) Pete hand me the paintbrush. LUKE: That's okay. I'm good. Uh, you know, there's a bunch of open paint cans sitting out on the porch. LORELAI: Yeah...They'll get to it. We didn't want the pizza to get cold. Hey! Check out this new trick we just taught Paul Anka. Hey, Paul Anka, pizza! (PA barks) Pizza, pizza! (PA barks twice) Salad. (PA doesn't bark. Lorelai and the men laugh. Luke doesn't look impressed) Good boy. Good boy. Oh, shoot, I'm out of treats. Be right back. (she starts walking to the kitchen. Luke follows her) (CUT to Lorelai's kitchen, continuous. Tom is sitting at the table looking over some plans and paper work. Luke and Lorelai walk in) LUKE: You know those guys are here to work. You don't have to put a USO show on for them. LORELAI: I know. I just want them to have a good time. LUKE: Half of them have seen you naked. How much better a time can they have? LORELAI: He's jealous of my popularity, Tom.(gets her purse) TOM: Sure. I get that. LUKE: Tom, do other clients feed their construction crews breakfast and lunch and buy them pizza and beer? TOM: Nope. LUKE: See. TOM: Of course, the naked thing's been done to death. LORELAI: All right, Tom. We're outie. Anything we need to discuss before we go? TOM: Nope. We talked about everything but the kitchen. LORELAI: What about the kitchen? TOM: Well, do we want to make it bigger? LORELAI: Why would we want to make it bigger? TOM: Well, you might want a nice double oven or a sub-zero freezer. (Lorelai looks unmoved) There's room enough for an island and a cooking station with some stools around it for entertaining.(Lorelai looks a bit scared) You know, for dinner parties. Or maybe you want to cook a big holiday dinner. Thanksgiving or Christmas. LORELAI: (to Luke) The strange man is scaring me. LUKE: I think the kitchen's fine, Tom. (door opens) TJ: (coming in the house) Okay. Everybody can relax because your trusty contractor has returned. Boy, what a trip. Traffic was terrible. It took me an entire day. Here you go, Tom. (produces a hammer from a paper bag he's holding) The mystic hammer. TOM: Thank you, TJ. TJ: I gotta tell ya. I don't see what's so special about it. It looks an awful lot like every other hammer we got lying around here.(hands the hammer over to Tom) TOM: (takes the hammer) Well, that's the beauty of the mystic hammer, TJ. It looks the same, but it's completely different. LUKE: Tom, make sure those cans are cleaned up out there, OK? LORELAI: Oh, my god with the paint cans already. LUKE: I almost tripped over the cans. TOM: Don't worry, Luke. I'll take care of it. TJ: (as he's inspecting the room, he first notices the door to Rory's room) Hey! (knocks on the door) Did you guys know there was a room back here? (opens the door) Oh, yeah, look at this, a whole room! What a find, huh? LUKE: (closes the door quickly. Lorelai looks uncomfortable) TJ! TJ: Boy, if you knocked out this wall here, opened up this room, you would have a huge kitchen. LUKE: Yeah, we don't want a huge kitchen, TJ. TJ: Oh, then you could turn it into a weight room, or a workshop...Or, hey, a pork-smoker room. My uncle had a pork-smoker room. Big sides of pork hanging all over the place. We called it the dead-pig room. LUKE: TJ, why don't you go out there and tell the guys they can go home. TJ: It's not that big a job. I could have it up and running for you in a week. (Luke looks over at Lorelai a bit concerned, Lorelai is still uncomfortable and upset) All I got to do is drive over to Boston for one of those special sledgehammers Tom was telling me about, get a pig, and in about 10 minutes I... LORELAI: (clearly upset) Just leave the room alone, OK! Just...it's fine. Leave it alone. (to Luke) Let's go. (Lorelai and Luke exit from the kitchen door) TJ: (to Tom) Is she Jewish or something? (CUT to a kind of gym or reception hall of some kind, night. Lane's band, Hep Alien, are in towards the end of one of their concerts. They crowd seems to be very into the band's performance. They are dancing and seem to be having a good time. The song the band was playing ends. The audience cheers and applauds) ZACH: Whoo! GIL: YEAH! ZACH: Massachusetts, we love you! GIL: We love you, man! ZACH: We'd like to give some shout-outs before we go. First and foremost, to Pastor Tim. (indicates Pastor Tim who's standing at the side of the hall. Pastor Tim gestures in what he would consider a cool way) GIL: Yeah! Pastor Tim! (Gil plays an honorary riff) ZACH: Thanks for letting us rock the gym here at Whitfield Seventh Day Adventist Church. GIL: Got into some very heavy talk with the Pastor about my soul and Ecclesiastes, and stuff, after sound check. And I got to say, if Christ comes back in fulfilment of prophecy, he's gonna be hooking up with you first, dude, 'cause you are awesome.(the crowd cheers and applauds. Pastor Tim looks a bit embarrassed but pleased) ZACH: We would like to also thank the decoration committee, for making the AV Room look so cool. (as Lane gets up from her stool and comes to the front of the stage the crowd cheers and applauds) GIL: Yeah! I've played the Whiskey before, man, and it's got a similar vibe. It does! ZACH: But most important, we'd like to thank all of you for coming out to see us, letting us into your homes, and making us feel so welcome.(the crows cheers again) We got to go! GIL: We are going home, people! ZACH: There are some t-shirts and stuff for sale on the table over there. We are zach, Gil, Brian, and Lane, and we are Hep Alien, and we are out of here! (they give the audience a bow, and they get one last cheer and a round of applause. The crowd starts scattering as Zach turns to Lane) We were so on, man. LANE: We were beyond on. We were...ohh!(gives Zach a kiss) ZACH: Cool. GIL: Watch it, Lane. The Pastor's still hanging. BRIAN: We were as tight as the Foo Fighters. GIL: Tighter. Listen, if that pretentious little snot in Coldplay can walk around comparing himself to Bono, we can compare ourselves to the Foo Fighters. LANE: I'm exhausted but exhilarated, you know. I'm not gonna sleep for months. ZACH: (excited) Oh, cool! There's people buying t-shirts. We can get some food tonight. GIL: Just leave money for gas. LANE: We'll have money for gas, guys. Don't worry. Let's just drink this in. The last night of our first tour. BRIAN: I can't believe it's over. ZACH: I can't believe we survived. (Pastor Tim approaches the stage and calls Gil. he whispers something in his ear) GIL: You got it, Pastor Tim. (to the rest of the band) We got to break it down, guys. They want to start setting up for bible study, tomorrow, and they need the stage for their big crucifix.(the band starts gathering their stuff. Lane looks very happy) [SCENE_BREAK] (CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, morning. Sookie is hiding something tall from Lorelai with some steel trays) SOOKIE: Okay, here we go. (excited) Aah! (reaveals a very nice chocolate wedding cake) LORELAI: Oooh! What is that? And where can I get one? SOOKIE: That is my dark chocolate s'mores wedding cake. LORELAI: You've been reading my diary. SOOKIE: I got the idea in a dream. I was back in cooking school and late for my final, and I run over to an oven, and I open it, and sitting there is the s'mores wedding cake. And I present it to my teacher, he starts weeping, and the whole class is applauding and cheering. LORELAI: That's so nice. SOOKIE: Yeah! And then of course Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise come leaping out of the cake, screaming about how amazing it is. So that made the whole thing a little creepy, but up until then... LORELAI: Look, you've got a marshmallow bride and groom on the top! SOOKIE: You think they'll like it? LORELAI: I do. SOOKIE: You think you'll like it? LORELAI: Look, captain Ahab... SOOKIE: Come on, set the date. LORELAI: I will! SOOKIE: Is there something you're not telling me? Because agreeing to marry somebody is just as big a commitment as actually marrying them. So don't think it's not. LORELAI: I am committed. And you should be. So... SOOKIE: This isn't a joking matter, missy. I want your wedding to be perfect, or I want nothing to do with it. LORELAI: (mock disappointment) Oh, really? Wow. That might be a problem. Cause I was really hoping for one of those disastrous weddings where we lose both rings minutes before the ceremony and I get a nosebleed as I'm walking down the aisle. And then, later, at the reception, Luke is found in the coat-check room Jude Law-ing it with one of the bridesmaids. MICHEL: (walks in the kitchen) Hey. I just received a call that the wedding party will not be getting in until midnight, and someone will need to be here to greet them. I would do it, but I don't want to. LORELAI: All right, I'll do it. MICHEL: Very well. I'll leave the...wait. Do you feel that? LORELAI: Feel what? MICHEL: An icy chill as if something sinister is approaching. SOOKIE: What? MICHEL: (hums the witch's theme from "The Wizard Of Oz") Ta-ta-ra-ta-ra-ra-Taraaaaaa LORELAI: Gee, Michel, is Paris here? MICHEL: Maybe she was coming up the walk when I fled. (starts walking away) LORELAI: Where are you going? MICHEL: In the opposite direction.(exits trough the kitchen door) SOOKIE: Paris? Paris is here? (at Michel who has already left) Oh! I get the humming now!(chuckles. Puts on a serious face and turns to Lorelai) What is she doing here? LORELAI: We're having lunch. SOOKIE: Really? Ordering pizza are ya? LORELAI: No, Sookie. I'm breaking up with her today, all right? I'm ending it, like I promised, so back off. SOOKIE: Grilled chicken and fries. That is all I'm making.(walks over to the fridge) LORELAI: Thank you. (the kitchen staff walk in quickly telling each other to hurry up and move along in hushed voices) Apparently, the eagle has landed.(exits) (CUT to Dragonfly's dining hall, continuous. Lorelai walks in and approaches Paris who is waiting for her) LORELAI: Paris, hi. Good to see you. You look good. Something different? (they hug) PARIS: I accidentally sprayed gasoline on myself at the service station. LORELAI: Well that must be it. Come on, let's sit. (they sit at a table) PARIS: Sorry I'm late, I was interviewing roommates. And all I can say is build an ark, 'cause it is seriously time for a flood. LORELAI: Oh, well, you want some iced tea?(gestures to a waiter) PARIS: I mean, forget the concept of intelligence or even the simple act of carrying on a conversation. (waiter comes over and starts filling glasses of iced tea for them) These people can't type a reference sheet. I mean they all have questionable morals, a complete distrust of soap products...(to waiter who's pouring her ice tea) in the glass, out of the glass. It's all semantics to you, right? LORELAI: (excuses the waiter) Oh...well, I'm sure you'll find someone. You just have to keep looking. PARIS: I guess. It's just, classes start next week, and things are already getting crazy. LORELAI: Yeah. Boy. You sound really busy, Paris. PARIS: I am. LORELAI: You know, I feel a little bad, dragging you all the way out here when you have so much on your plate. I mean, talk about self-centred, huh? Think about someone else for a change, Lorelai. PARIS: Oh, that's okay. LORELAI: You know, I'll be totally fine if you need to cut back on our lunches. PARIS: Cut back? LORELAI: Cut back, cut out. Whatever you need, is fine with me. PARIS: You know, this all sucks. I wouldn't be in this position if it weren't for Rory. She was supposed to room with me. It was all planned out. I even called her yesterday and gave her one more chance to change her mind, but no. LORELAI: You talked to Rory yesterday? PARIS: Yeah, I called her at the office. LORELAI: (surprised) Office? What office? PARIS: Her office. LORELAI: She has an office. What is she doing? PARIS: I don't know...Her job. LORELAI: What job? PARIS: Some job in an office with her grandmother. LORELAI: Well, her grandmother does not have an office. PARIS: Well, that's where I called her. LORELAI: This makes no sense to me at all. What did it sound like? PARIS: An office. LORELAI: Yes, I know an office, but were there specific office sounds? PARIS: I think I heard a fax machine. LORELAI: A fax machine? Are you sure it was a fax machine? PARIS: Pretty sure. LORELAI: Well, were there people talking or traffic? Did you hear traffic, cause that could give us a location. (Paris looks at Lorelai suspiciously) City, the county or...what? PARIS: So that's what this is all about. You're just using me to get to Rory? LORELAI: Aw, Paris. PARIS: You're pumping me full of espresso and pumping me for information. LORELAI: No, that is not true. I'm not pumping. No pumping. We're completely pump-free. PARIS: I'm so stupid. I mean why else would you want to have biweekly lunches with me? LORELAI: There are many, many reasons. And they will come to me just in a second. PARIS: I'm blind. I walk blindly through life. LORELAI: No. Now, you're not blind. PARIS: I'll leave. I'll go right now. (gets up) LORELAI: Oh, Paris, please. (stops her from leaving) I'm sorry. You mentioned Rory, and a thing went off in my brain. It's just a mother thing. But I love our lunches. I really do. Please stay. PARIS: Are you sure? Because I could just... LORELAI: Yes. I'm completely positive. Everything's good. Now, won't you sit down? (Paris sits back on her chair) How does chicken sound, OK? PARIS: OK. Just not too dry. LORELAI: OK.(sighs) PARIS: (looks around as no waiter is approaching them) The service here sucks. (CUT to nursing home, afternoon. A few people from the nursing home are dancing around to some jazz playing from a vinyl record. Rory is supervising, apparently doing some of her Community Service) RORY: (to a couple dancing) Very smooth, Mr. Hollister. Mr HOLLISTER: That was the Susy-Q right into the Shorty George. RORY: I thought it looked familiar. Mr HOLLISTER: And after this song, I'll take you for a twirl. RORY: Oh, I hope I can keep up. (to another couple) Watch those hands, Mr. Fink. (the record starts skipping) I'm on it. (fixes the problem. To couples dancing) You know, I can get this for you guys on CD. (the elders laugh) Oh, now, come on. It wasn't that funny. (notices someone at the door. It's Logan) Oh, my god. Hey, stranger! (walks over to him) LOGAN: And hello to you. (they kiss) Mr FINK: Watch those hands, Miss Gilmore. RORY: Touche, Mr. Fink. (to Logan) What are you doing here? LOGAN: Well, I was in Copenhagen this morning, and then I remembered I've a four o'clock Mambo class. RORY: I'm so glad you're back. How was Europe? LOGAN: Same as it was last year. RORY: (noticing a bandage on Logan's finger) What did you do? LOGAN: Long, embarrassing story. I'll tell you later. RORY: OK. Oh, wait. Hold on. (stops the record player and addresses the elders) Okay, everyone. It is time for cake and punch. (a nursing home worker comes in with a trolley. The elders groan a bit) It's only a 15-minute break, and then it's back to the dance floor. LOGAN: So you're Arthur Murray now? RORY: No, I don't have that much training. Their dance teacher has an inner-ear infection. I'm just filling in. My job is to make sure nobody falls down. LOGAN: Aaand, what if somebody does? RORY: That's what the panic button is for. (indicating a red button on the wall) LOGAN: (laughing) So, when does this crazy rock 'n' roll party wrap up? RORY: Another 45 minutes. But if you get yourself some cake and punch, it'll only seem like 40. (they kiss) I missed you. LOGAN: That was my plan.(Rory chuckles as Logan walks away, and then changes a record on the player) (CUT to pool house, night. Rory walks to the couch, from the kitchen bringing Logan a glass of...something wearing Logan's shirt. Logan is sitting on the couch covered up in a comforter. She gives him the glass) LOGAN: Thank you. (takes the glass from her) RORY: You're welcome.(settles down on the couch and covers herself with another comforter) I missed this. LOGAN: Me too. RORY: Oh, so you, Colin, and Finn didn't do a lot of cuddling in Europe? LOGAN: Nah, mostly just hand-holding. RORY: So is there any official record of this trip, or was all evidence confiscated at the airport? LOGAN: I got pictures. RORY: Yeah? Can I see? LOGAN: (point to his bag) Hand me that. (puts the glass down as Rory reaches for the bag and gives it to him) Now, you realize if I show you mine, you have to show me yours.(gets his cell phone out of the bag) RORY: You saw mine about five minutes ago, mister. LOGAN: Oh, I hate it when you work blue. (fiddling with his phone) Okay. Here's Colin sleeping on the train. RORY: Uh huh... LOGAN: And here's Finn shoving carrot sticks up Colin's nose as Colin sleeps on the train. RORY: Very mature. LOGAN: We try. This is Gloucestershire, England... RORY: It's pretty. LOGAN: ...where we attended the famous Gloucestershire Cheese-Rolling festival, a time-honoured tradition where brave men, such as myself, climb to the top of a hill with a large wheel of cheese, then proceed push it and run after it as it rolls all the way down. RORY: Shut up. Why would you commit that to film? (takes the phone from Logan) LOGAN: That's me, that's Colin, that's Finn, and that is the cheese. RORY: So if you beat your cheese to the bottom of the hill, are you disqualified, or do you win? LOGAN: There are no winners or losers in the Gloucestershire Cheese-Rolling festival. RORY: Well there certainly aren't any winners. LOGAN: Tell me about it. (indicating his bandaged finger) RORY: Who's that? LOGAN: Ah! Now that's the love of Colin's life. RORY: Colin fell in love? LOGAN: Yeah. He met her in Holland and she doesn't speak a word of English, so she has no idea how incredibly annoying she finds him. RORY: What's with the outfit? LOGAN: She's a milkmaid. RORY: Stop! LOGAN: She has cows. She has pails. RORY: (amused) Colin fell in love with a milkmaid? LOGAN: It's pretty serious, too. He ditched us and followed her to Amsterdam, where they've been hold up ever since. We haven't heard a word from him. I mean we assume he's gonna be back by the time...(sighs) RORY: By the time what? By the time the cows come home? What? By the time school starts? (Logan sighs again) What? What's the matter? LOGAN: Nothing. RORY: Logan, you can mention school to me. LOGAN: I don't want to bum you out. RORY: Logan! That is ridiculous! I'm fine. I mean...Look. Yale was a wonderful chapter in my life, but I've moved on. I have my work. I have my new pad. I'm just really happy with where I am right now. LOGAN: (disbelief) Really? RORY: Logan, you don't have to feel weird about this. You go to Yale. Your friends go to Yale. How can we not talk about Yale? LOGAN: I don't know. RORY: Exactly. So, we both agree that the topic of Yale can never be off-limits. LOGAN: OK, fine. Well if you're so cool with it, then why don't you come meet me at Yale tomorrow and I can show you my new apartment and maybe take you to lunch? RORY: I can't tomorrow because I have my DAR induction luncheon. LOGAN: Well, then, how about breakfast? RORY: Breakfast sounds good. LOGAN: I have to say, Ace, I like the new digs. RORY: Yeah, it's really nice, huh? You haven't even seen the bedroom yet. LOGAN: Wow! RORY: What? LOGAN: OK, fine! but don't think that this is gonna work a second time. (get's up from the couch and starts moving towards the bedroom) RORY: (comprehension dawning on her) Oh, no, Logan, I didn't mean...No, I seriously meant that you hadn't seen the bedroom yet. LOGAN: You're making me feel cheap, Ace. (keeps walking to the bedroom) RORY: Logan! I swear, I wasn't working blue. (gets up and follows Logan) (CUT to gas station, night. Gil is pumping the van with gas. The rest of the band seem uncomfortable squashed in the small cabin, the boys are sitting in the back with all the equipment and lane is shotgun) BRIAN: Come on, let's go! GIL: Martha's thirsty, guys. ZACH: I hate that he named the van. LANE: I think it's cute. ZACH: Hey! You're not pumping premium, right? GIL: It's the cheap stuff, bro. Don't worry. ZACH: Yeah, well you said that before, and you pumped premium, and it meant no snack stop in Philadelphia. GIL: Whoa ho ho! LANE: What, Gil? GIL: Well I was just watching the numbers spin by on the gas pump dial thingy here getting bigger and bigger. And I was thinking...what if that was counting all the people who were, like, dying, you know, so it's all these dead dudes spinning by? ZACH: Every day with him is like being on "meet the press." BRIAN: I can't feel my legs. ZACH: Move around a little. BRIAN: Your amp's on my foot. ZACH: Look, I'm no better off than you are, Brian. My guitar case is jammed against my thigh. BRIAN: I got a cymbal stand sticking in my pancreas. LANE: Guys, we are an hour out of Stars Hollow. Hang in there. ZACH: God, the smell of that gas is making me hungry. LANE: Gil, hurry! GIL: I'm coming. (closes the vans door and starts walking to the drivers seat) All right. It's the last of the gas money, so this better get us home. (gets in and starts up the van) Everybody: Lean Forward. (they all lean forward and the van drives off) (CUT to van, continuous. They are driving on the highway) LANE: Gil, where'd you put the map? GIL: It's...(does a dismissive gesture) Ugh. LANE: You're okay to drive, right? GIL: Yeah, sure. I'm just... ZACH: Dude, don't do that thing where you don't finish your sentences. It freaks me out. GIL: I'll try. I'm just...ugh. ZACH: (shoves Gil) Come on. GIL: I guess I'm just weak from hunger. The guy I got gas from, I was talking to him, and he suddenly turned into a giant turkey leg. BRIAN: Please don't mention food. LANE: Let's think good thoughts here, guys. Picture yourself at home, okay? Home at last. What's the first thing you're gonna do? ZACH: Eat. GIL: Wash my hair. Hug the kids, set them up in front of a "Harry Potter" movie, and then do my wife for, like, an hour. LANE: Uh, look, guys, I've got an announcement. Kind of in my capacity as band manager, and I think it's gonna cheer you up, a lot. ZACH: What? LANE: Well, as you know, each gig paid us a little something, and we stayed free at people's houses along the way, and we sold a decent amount of t-shirts, so, besides food, which we consumed in moderation, there were days that we spent practically nothing. ZACH: Yeah? LANE: Well...I wanted us to come out of this tour with something. So I figured the best way to motivate us, to save, would be to fib a little on how much we had. GIL: You fibbed a little? LANE: Actually, a lot. But it paid off big, guys, because we're going home with over $9,000. (they guys look up at Lane in disbelief and a bit pissed) Huh? $9,000, American dollars. Why aren't you guys jumping up and down? BRIAN: Besides the fact that my spinal cord severed somewhere back on the 95? ZACH: And that we haven't eaten a full meal in over two months? GIL: I thought we were broke. LANE: See? See how it worked? And now we're reaping the rewards. ZACH: Lane, we were starving. BRIAN: We scrimped on everything. I stopped brushing my teeth because I couldn't buy toothpaste. GIL: I've been washing my hair with bar soap. LANE: But think about what we can do with the money. We can record. Make a CD. Nirvana made "Bleach" for $600. Even factoring in inflation, if we're on our game, we could make "Bleach", 10 times over. BRIAN: Our own "Bleach". ZACH: It would be very cool to record. BRIAN: Very cool. GIL: I think... ZACH: Dude, come on. (shoves Gil again) You gotta finish that sentence. GIL: I can't talk and drive. LANE: Then just drive, Gil. 30 miles. 30 miles to home. (they high five) (CUT to Lorelai's driveway, night. The crew is still working. Lorelai gets out of her car and starts walking towards Luke and Tom) LORELAI: Talking about how pretty I am again? Oh, get a new subject, boys. LUKE: What are you doing home? LORELAI: Well, I have to be at the Inn late tonight. So I thought I'd come and feed Paul Anka, take him for a little walk, work out our crosswalk issues. LUKE: Well, Tom here was just tel... TOM: (cuts Luke off)...it's not my fault. LUKE: I wasn't gonna say it was your fault. TOM: You've got "it's Tom's fault" tone in your voice. LUKE: He's got to shut your water off for a couple of days. TOM: We hit a pipe that shouldn?t have been hit. LORELAI: (accusingly) Tom! TOM: See how fast the "it's Tom's fault" tone has spread? LUKE: You can stay with me. LORELAI: OK. Well, I got to get back to work. That wedding party's coming in tonight. LUKE: Oh, I'll gather up some of your stuff. LORELAI: Last time you gathered up some of my stuff, you accidentally brought me four bras and no pants. LUKE: That could have been intentional. LORELAI: I will get my own stuff, thank you. (starts walking to the house, but backtracks) Wooo, now I just have to figure out what to do with Paul Anka. You know, I've never left him alone so late before, and he might start doing that howling thing the neighbours are so fond of. But...well, that's okay. So...Oh! You know, I guess I could just leave him here and I can come back and get him after work, which will be, oh! two, three, four in the morning. Boy. Late. (looks for a reaction from Luke. He seems to not be getting the hint) Or I could drop him off at a kennel for a few hours. I know there's a good one in Woodbridge, 20 miles away. Of course, I'd have to leave now and pick up some dilithium crystals on the way to fix the warp drive in my jeep so that I could drive there and back in time to meet the wedding party back at the Inn, but that's doable. (looking at Luke for yet another reaction. He still looks unmoved) Yeah...and then, of course, by the time I get off work and drive all the way back ther LUKE: (amused) I just wanted to see how long you'd go on. LORELAI: Well, you know my babbling capabilities are infinite. LUKE: I'll take the dog home with me. And points for the dilithium-crystal reference. LORELAI: Well, when you sleep with geeks...(TJ approaches them with a bunch of paper lunch bags) TJ: Hey. I just talked to my buddy, Tony Benzino, who's a contractor over in Hartford, and he says contractors don't fetch lunches for the crew. They do, however, get to answer the phone, and they do get to sign for things and order things, and Tom, there is no such thing as a mystic hammer. And after this very enlightening conversation, you know what I'm starting to think? LORELAI: What? TJ: I'm starting to think that I'm not really the contractor on this job. LUKE: Look, TJ... TOM: It's okay, Luke. I got this. TJ, we did this for your own good. We got you out of the house. You got paid. You didn't get hurt. Look at it that way. TJ: Oh, yeah? Is that the way I'm supposed to look at it? Well, fine! (starts handing out the bags) You can keep your stupid phony contracting job. I'm through playing your patsy. I'm through running your errands. Hold on. That's no mayo. (trades some bags he's already handed out) Here, Ed. I'm done! I quit! You can all kiss any part of me that reaches your general vicinity first. You have seen the last of me. So arrivederci, Roma! (starts walking away but walks back up to them) And to repay you all for this lousy trick that you played on me, you can all reach in here and grab your own damn condiments. (drops the last bag and walks away) TOM: That's dinner! (CUT to Luke's diner, night. TJ is sitting on a stool at the counter, he has an empty milkshake glass in front of him) TJ: (pushes the glass across the counter) Hit me. LUKE: (walks up to TJ) That's your fourth milkshake, TJ. TJ: Doesn't matter, Luke. It's not like I got anywhere to go tomorrow. LUKE: So, you're not a contractor. Who cares? Neither am I. You don't see me crying about it. TJ: I'm not crying about it...anymore. LUKE: It's not your thing. TJ: Yeah. Not my thing. I don't have a thing. I have nothing. LUKE: You've got Liz. You've got your health. TJ: I've got no dream. I've got no future. LUKE: What are you talking about, you got no future? (walks over and point to the shelves TJ put up for him) Did you or did you not build these shelves? TJ: I did. LUKE: Those are great shelves, TJ. TJ: Stop it. LUKE: They are! There's some real craftsmanship that went into those shelves. Well made, you got some nice carved detail. That's a quality piece of merchandise, and you made it. TJ: Yeah...So? LUKE: So you should be proud of that. Not everybody can do that. So you're not a contractor. You're a craftsman! TJ: Wow. I'm a craftsman...Like Jesus. He built stuff for a while. LUKE: Yeah! You're exactly like Jesus. That was my point. TJ: Yeah. What am I getting so mopey about? I mean,I build shelves. I'm a craftsman who builds shelves, like Jesus. (get up from his stool and Luke starts walking him to the diner door) And plus my day rate has just gone way up. LUKE: Yeah, but TJ that was a contractor's rate you were being paid, not a shelfmaker's rate. TJ: Yeah, but I wasn't really the contractor. LUKE: I know, but that was...Have a good night, TJ.(opens the diner door and TJ exits) (CUT to Luke's apartment, night. PA is lying on the floor. Luke walks in) LUKE: Hey! Just lying there. What a surprise! Make sure you grind that smelly butt of yours into the rug real good. Get that aroma really locked in those fibbers there. (sees that PA has gone through the garbage) Oh, man. Wow, you are fun to have around. (he notices some chocolate wrapping paper) Oh, no. Oh, crap. Oh, god. (takes his watch off) Tell me you didn't. Tell me you didn't. There we go.(sniffs PA's breath) Oh, jeez! (picks PA up and starts running out of the apartment) (CUT to Stars Hollow streets, continuous. Luke is running, with PA in his arms, up a street and enters a house. He starts to knock on the door franticly) LUKE: Come on! Hey! Wake up! I got a dog out here! (the light in the house come on) VET: (opens the door) Can I help you? LUKE: The dog ate chocolate. And I don't know a lot about dogs, but I do know they shouldn't eat chocolate, and I went to the animal hospital, and they were closed, and I called Babette and she told me where you lived, and you got to do something. Because this is not my dog. This is my fiance's dog. She loves him. She named him "Paul Anka", which may, on the surface, not seem like a sign of love, but if you knew her, you'd get it, and believe me there's a lot of ways I could screw up, but I cannot lose her over the fact I killed her dog. VET: I'll get the ipecac. Come on in. (they walk in the house) (CUT to restaurant, morning. Rory and Logan are having breakfast) RORY: So, I tell the guy, "Hey! There is no way all these potatoes could have been peeled if I had waltzed in here at twelve". He simply refused to believe me or credit me with the hours, so finally I just said, "You know what? There is another soup kitchen down on Hadley, and they serve more vegetables than you do, so I would rather work there anyhow", and I turned in my apron, and I walked out. LOGAN: Wow. Rough world, the world of Community Service. RORY: Oh, you don't know the half of it. I've done 125 hours, so I've got 175 to go, which is a little off my goal, but not by much, so I can deal. I've got the candy-striper thing starting next week. I didn't really want that, but I had to take it, because I was supposed to get on the zoo beat, which would have been gross but great cause they'll let you do a double shift. (Logan looks at his watch) But they're always full. Weird, huh? LOGAN: Very weird. RORY: I'm boring you. LOGAN: Far from it. I just have to go. I have to meet with my faculty adviser and convince her that this is the year I'm finally gonna make something of myself. RORY: Well, don't tell her about that cheese-rolling incident. She'll never believe you. LOGAN: You want me to walk you back to your car? RORY: No, I think I can make it by myself. LOGAN: (gets up to leave) OK. RORY: OK. (Logan kisses her cheek) LOGAN: I'll call you later? RORY: OK. (Logan leaves) (CUT to Luke's apartment, morning. Camera pans from PA, who's lying next to the bed, to Lorelai and Luke who are sleeping. Luke wakes up, gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen. Lorelai wakes up too and notices Luke in the kitchen drinking water) LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: Hey. Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep. (starts walking back towards the bed) LORELAI: No, it's okay. I like to watch you hydrate. LUKE: Oh, man. When did you get home? I didn't hear you come in. LORELAI: Yeah, you were conked out pretty good. LUKE: Oh yeah! LORELAI: Both of you. (sits up bit better in bed as Luke comes closer) LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: How did it go with Paul Anka last night? LUKE: Well, first off, he ate three pounds of unsweetened baking chocolate, so I had to rush him to the vet, to his house because the animal hospital was closed, and he forced some sort of vomit-inducing medicine down Paul Anka's throat, and then Paul Anka proceeded to throw up for the next hour and a half. (Lorelai looks concerned) After that I sat with him for another three hours, holding a bowl of water under his nose to make sure that he was re-hydrating properly, and then I chocolate-proofed the apartment and the diner to make sure that never happens again. (Lorelai looks at Luke lovingly) And now I'm gonna go downstairs and make Paul Anka some scrambled eggs because the vet said that the kibble is gonna be a little hard on his stomach for a couple of days. Does he have any particular fear of cheddar? Cause I thought I'd throw that in to make it taste better. LORELAI: Luke? LUKE: Yeah? LORELAI: I don't want to set a wedding date until things are right with Rory. LUKE: OK. (Lorelai looks relieved) So, the cheddar is...? LORELAI: OK. (Luke walks away and Lorelai settles back in bed) (CUT to Yale, morning. It's the freshmen orientation) FRESHMAN COUNSELLOR: The dining-hall hours are cast in stone. You snooze, you lose. And your school-issued IDs are your new best friends. Become inseparable. You'll be asked for it constantly, so give it a nickname and learn to commit. It operates the laundry room. It is your meal card. Every new student at Yale will learn the value of the ID. (Camera pans to Rory as the new students walk by. She looks around longingly. The scene starts to fade on Rory's face and we see a new Rory in a tweed suit at her DAR induction luncheon. Emily is giving a welcome speech for the new members) EMILY: Every new member of the DAR Will feel instantly the sense of camaraderie that has become synonymous with the DAR. As certified members of the Hartford chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution, you will hold a very special and esteemed place in this community. But with that great esteem comes great responsibility: to your chapter, to your town, and to your nation. This is a proud moment for me as I, your president, welcome the new members of the Daughters of the American Revolution. END Of Episode 6.03 - The UnGraduate

Excited about catering the wedding, Sookie pressures Lorelai to set a date, but Lorelai won't commit. While completing her community service hours, Rory takes a job at Emily's Daughters of the American Revolution (DAR) office. Convinced that she has a rival for the job of DAR president, Emily uses Rory as her spy. Logan returns from Europe and returns to Yale, forcing Rory to confront her true feelings about dropping out of college. Lane and her band return from their summer on the road. Luke agrees to take care of Lorelai's dog, Paul Anka, while she works late at the inn, and ends up rushing the dog to the vet. Finally, Lorelai admits to Luke her reason for putting off their wedding.

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EXT. RANGE 400 - DAY (CAMERA PANS AROUND THE JUNK PILE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BURNED OUT CAR - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GERA AWAKENS AND LOOKS AROUND THE CAR) PILOT: (V.O./FILTERED) Charlie Six, this is Viper One One. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HUMMER - DAY STINSON: (INTO RADIO) Viper One One. Clear hut. PILOT: (V.O./FILTERED) Roger, Charlie Six. Clear hut.(GERA KICKS OUT THE DOOR/ BREAKS OUT AND RUNS ACROSS THE RANGE) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HUMVEE - DAY STARLING: Call it off! Call it off! Abort! Abort! Abort! There's someone in the hot zone! Man running! Incoming! STINSON: (INTO RADIO/OVERLAP) Abort! Abort! Man down! Man down! (SFX: BOMBS EXPLODE B.G.) (FADE OUT) (THEME MUSIC OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. NAVAL GYM - DAY "THE BONE YARD"(MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE STRETCHES TO THE MUSIC) MCGEE: Wow, she's pretty flexible. TONY: Just don't let her catch you looking at her, Probie. MCGEE: I think she saw me. She gave me that look. TONY: What look? MCGEE: The look she's always giving you. TONY: Yep. She saw you. Hope you wore a cup. GIBBS: Okay, welcome to my version of close combat training. McGee? MCGEE: Yeah? GIBBS: You start with Kate. Go on! All right, you and me in the ring today. TONY: Are you sure about that? I've been taking classes. GIBBS: In what? TONY: Boxing. (CAMERA ANGLE ON KATE AND MCGEE) KATE: We're grappling today. MCGEE: You want to grapple? KATE: Yeah, you have a problem with that? MCGEE: No, it's just... you know, I did some wrestling in high school. KATE: Did you, now? (MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE AND MCGEE WRESTLE) TONY: Whoo whoo! Come on buddy.(MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND GIBBS FIGHT) GIBBS: Not bad, DiNozzo. TONY: Thanks. You learn how to box in the Marines? GIBBS: Nope. Corps doesn't teach boxing. TONY: That's your loss. (GIBBS KNOCKS TONY TO THE MAT) GIBBS: They teach fighting. (SFX: PHONE RINGS) TONY: (GASPS) Your phone. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. (CAMERA ANGLE ON KATE AND MCGEE FIGHTING) MCGEE: Ah! Ah! Ah! KATE: Did I mention I was handpicked to protect the President of the United States? MCGEE: Five times! TONY: Are you going to take that abuse, McGee? MCGEE: No! (MCGEE FLIPS KATE TO THE MAT) KATE: That's more like it, McGee. Why were you holding back? MCGEE: Well, you're a... I mean, I've never wrestled a... KATE: A girl? Tony, I look like a girl to you? TONY: All I see are two NCIS Special Agents. KATE: Me, too. (KATE KNEES MCGEE IN THE GROIN) (SFX: MCGEE GASPS/ MOANS B.G.) GIBBS: Training's over. We're heading to Quantico. Guy tried to outrun a five hundred pound bomb. KATE: And? GIBBS: He lost. TONY: Hey, she had three older brothers growing up. I think there's some unresolved issues there. MCGEE: You think? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. RANGE 400 - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) GIBBS: Break out the gear. I'm going to find out who's in charge of this circus. KATE: You didn't have to stop like that. TONY: I know that. Sorry about that, Probie. But it's your fault. MCGEE: My fault? TONY: Yeah, the brakes grab. It's your job to see the vehicle's in perfect running condition. (SFX: CAR DOORS CLOSE) DE LUCA: You should have called. I could have saved you guys a trip. GIBBS: Why don't we start with... who the hell are you? DE LUCA: Gunnery Sergeant De Luca, C-I-D. GIBBS: Is this your idea of how to run a crime scene, Gunnery Sergeant? DE LUCA: Nope, it's my idea of how to run an accidental death investigation, Special Agent. GIBBS: Gibbs. DE LUCA: Well, a civilian decided to trespass in the wrong place at the wrong time. Marines didn't spot him until it was too late. GIBBS: What was a civilian doing down there, Gunny? DE LUCA: My guess, he was a scavenger. Lot of metal and scrap iron's been dumped here over the years. GIBBS: Enough to risk blowing yourself up over? DE LUCA: I didn't say he was smart, Agent Gibbs. But hey, you want NCIS to handle the paperwork on this one? Fine. GIBBS: Get down there and secure the scene. DE LUCA: Just make sure your people stay inside the marked areas cleared by E-O-D. I don't need another dead civilian on my hands. (DE LUCA WALKS O.S.) KATE: Attractive. GIBBS: I want everybody off this range except E-O-D personnel. TONY: : What about Mister Potato Head? GIBBS: No, he stays. With luck, he'll spit on my boots. KATE: Looking for a reason to whack him in the head, Gibbs? GIBBS: No. To shoot him. KATE: Tony, didn't you tell me that you worked a case on a live impact range once? TONY: Yeah, that's right. Fort A.P. Hill. Tragic. MCGEE: What happened? TONY: E-O-D missed ordnance marking the path. Boom! Agent walking point, a Probie, of course, blew his foot off. MCGEE: You're kidding, right? TONY: Ha! Of course I'm kidding... Probie. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. DOWN RANGE - DAY (SFX: TONY WHISPERS TO KATE B.G.) TONY: We're right behind you, buddy! KATE: You're doing great. TONY: Some of them are buried under the ground. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. IMPACT AREA - DAY DUCKY: Judging by the shrapnel pattern, I'd say our young victim was running when he was hit. JIMMY: How can you tell, Doctor? DUCKY: Oh, I've seen far too many of these types of wounds during my tour in Vietnam. GIBBS: How about the bruising on his wrists and face, Duck? DUCKY: It's possible it was caused by blast concussion. We'll know more when we get him back. TONY: This guy was no scavenger, Boss. Salvatore Ferragamo's. GIBBS: What? TONY: Italian shoes, expensive. The pair I got cost almost five hundred bucks. Well, not everybody shops at Wal-Mart. I'm not saying you shop at Walmart... or even if that's a bad thing. GIBBS: How's it going, Kate? KATE: Almost finished. I've got McGee doing measurements. What are you doing? GIBBS: Following our victim's prints. They came from over there. KATE: Well how'd he get down here? We're at least five miles from the nearest civilian road. GIBBS: Someone dropped him off. DE LUCA: Hey, that area hasn't been cleared yet! Agent Gibbs! Hey, are you trying to get yourself killed!? Are you deaf or nuts!?(GIBBS AND DE LUCA MOVE TO THE CAR) GIBBS: A little of both. You still think this was an accident, Gunny? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Jimmy, run this up to Abby for me. JIMMY: Uh, sure. Would it be okay if I stayed and chatted with her for a while, Doctor? DUCKY: We're rather busy at the moment. JIMMY: Okay, so you're saying that uh...... it's not okay then? Sorry, it's the accent. It kind of throws me off sometimes. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) DUCKY: He means well, but often I have an overwhelming urge to slap him. Is that wrong? GIBBS: I do it all the time. DUCKY: So I've noticed. But only on the back of the head. GIBBS: A slap in the face would be humiliating. Back of the head's a wake up call. Looks like he got both. DUCKY: You were right. His facial injuries weren't from the bombs. Our victim received a rather savage beating before his death. GIBBS: And our crispy critter? DUCKY: He wasn't burned by today's explosions. Tests indicate the poor chap's been deceased at least six months. GIBBS: There are more bodies out there. DUCKY: Yes, I was afraid of that. GIBBS: We've stumbled onto a bone yard, Duck. DUCKY: Yeah. GIBBS: A serial killer's dumping ground. (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: EXT. RANGE 400 - DAY MARINE: Hey Gunny! DE LUCA: Let me get back to you. Yo! MARINE: Have a look. DE LUCA: What have we got here? Well, that's not good. You hear that? (SFX: HISSING) MARINE: What is it? DE LUCA: Oh. (SHOUTS) Evac! Go! Go! Go! Go! Come on, go! Go! (SFX: MISSILE EXPLODES) DE LUCA: Well, at least I get to give Gibbs the finger. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: I hear Kate kicked your butt this morning, McGee. . MCGEE: Well, you heard wrong. It wasn't my butt ABBY: She kicked you in the-- MCGEE: Yeah! I thought I was joining a federal agency, not reliving my junior year in high school. ABBY: Just remember, they torture you because they care. MCGEE: So if I make them dislike me? ABBY: It'll only get worse. MCGEE: That's what I thought. ABBY: Hey! I just I.D.'d your body. And he's cute. MCGEE: He's dead. ABBY: I know. MCGEE: He's also a major criminal. ABBY: What can I say, I'm attracted to that bad boy type... no, way! I'm getting hacked! (SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES) MCGEE: A port scan? ABBY: No. No this is major. They've already burned through the NCIS public firewall. MCGEE: Well, isolate the node and dump it on the other side of the router. ABBY: I'm trying! It's moving too fast! MCGEE: This is not good. It's using our connection with the AFIS database. Sever it. ABBY: I can't. It's a point attack. He or she is only going after my machine. MCGEE: It's not possible. This is D-O-D Level Nine encryption. It would take months to... TONY: Hey, what is that? A video game? ABBY: No, Tony! We're getting hacked! MCGEE: If they get into Abby's computer, the entire NCIS network is next. ABBY: I can't stop him. Do something, McGee! MCGEE: I've... I've never seen code like this. (SFX: COMPUTER POWER OUT) MCGEE: Ah, way to go, Abby! ABBY: I didn't do anything! I thought you did. MCGEE: No. GIBBS: I did. What the hell is going on here? MCGEE: We were pulling a fingerprint match from the AFIS database and we set of some kind of cyber attack. ABBY: They were definitely waiting for us. TONY: Who? ABBY: Well, I don't know, Tony. And right now I'm afraid to turn my machine back on. MCGEE: And the speed that they were cracking our encryption at. I mean, there's only a few computers in the world with that type of power. GIBBS: Name them. MCGEE: Well, the... the CERN Institute in Geneva, IBM's research facility, rumors of a few in China. GIBBS: Oh, good. So it should be easy to find them. Where is my match? TONY: China! Do you want some? MCGEE: Thanks. ABBY: Whoever this guy is, he's got friends in high places, Gibbs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: (V.O.) Victor Gera. A-K-A Guido Valentino. Career criminal. MCGEE: Guido Valentino? KATE: That's the alias he used in L.A. TONY: Started running numbers in Chicago as a kid. Moved on to jacking cars as a teen. Graduated to drug dealing on the West Coast. KATE: Six months ago he showed up in D.C. GIBBS: Mafia? MCGEE: With names like Vic Gera and Guido Valentino? What else? TONY: Probie! In case you forget. My names Tony DiNozzo. Italiano. It doesn't make me Mafia, now does it? MCGEE: No, of course not. I'm sorry. TONY: Prego. GIBBS: McGee, what's the connection between a small time hood and a super computer? MCGEE: Well, I have no idea, boss. GIBBS: Ooh, wrong answer. MCGEE: I'll go look for the right one now. KATE: Why would the mob, or anyone, stash bodies at a Marine bombing range? GIBBS: Because it's the last place they'd look for them. TONY: Who'd be nuts enough to go down there looking for bodies? (SFX: PHONE RINGS) KATE: Besides us? GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. (LOUDLY) You did what? I'm on my way! (TO KATE AND TONY) That was Gunny Sergeant De Luca. He's not done screwing up my investigation. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) KATE: Wow. I thought you were the only one that could piss him off like that. TONY: You never met his second wife. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS GARAGE - DAY (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: I told you not to touch anything without my M.E. being present! DE LUCA: I didn't really have much of a choice. It was near an unstable Javelin round. It liked to kill me and another Marine when it exploded. GIBBS: Do you have a body that goes with this? DE LUCA: I think it was destroyed during the explosion. GIBBS: You think? DE LUCA: Look, E.O.D kicked me off the range. That whole entire area's been declared off limits until it's been cleared. GIBBS: How long? DE LUCA: Gibbs, there's decades of unexploded ordnance down there. My guess. Three weeks minimum. (BEAT) You're welcome, Agent Gibbs. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: Gunny, are you coming?! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - NIGHT ABBY: I set up a virtual model emulating my system. He comes back again, we can dump him into it. MCGEE: It won't fool him for long. ABBY: All I need is a minute to back-trace his connection. Okay, I'm ready. Plug me in, McGee. Round two. He's still there. He's coming on strong. Initiating my back trace. Now! (SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES B.G.) MCGEE: Oh, this guy is good. He's almost made it through your little virtual world. ABBY: Yeah, I'm better. Oh! Gotcha! Ha! Now let's see who we're dealing with.(SFX: BEEP TONES) MCGEE: Oh, my god. ABBY: Gibbs is going to kill you. MCGEE: Kill me? Why? ABBY: I'm not going to tell him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT KATE: E.O.D has cleared about ten percent of the range so far. In this small area and in a relatively short span of time, we found three bodies. Do the math and we could be looking at potentially thirty or more victims concealed down there. GIBBS: Gunny, I want you to coordinate with the Provost Martial. I want a cordon around that range twenty four hours a day. DE LUCA: Agent Gibbs, that's a lot of man power. Do you really think-- GIBBS: Then you'd better get moving. DE LUCA: Right. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) DE LUCA: Is there some secret to getting on his good side? TONY: Oh, there's no secret. KATE: He doesn't have one. MCGEE: Ah, excuse me, boss. GIBBS: What? MCGEE: We completed the back-trace on the intruder's system. GIBBS: Yeah? MCGEE: Yeah, and uh... well, the thing is... (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) MCGEE: That... FORNELL: It's me. Why is NCIS interested in Vic Gera, Gibbs? GIBBS: Who says we were interested in him? FORNELL: You ran his prints through AFIS. Where did you get them? GIBBS: He gave them to us. CHARLES: You have him in custody? GIBBS: Technically speaking. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - NIGHT FORNELL: Where'd you find him? GIBBS: On a live fire range at Quantico. KATE: He was killed in a practice bomb drop this morning. TONY: Is he Mafia? FORNELL: He's an undercover FBI agent, DiNozzo. CHARLES: When we saw your print search, we were hoping Vic was alive. FORNELL: I want his killer, Gibbs. GIBBS: Is that an offer for a joint investigation? FORNELL: I can't. GIBBS: Kate, Tony, escort our guests out. FORNELL: I need to talk to you alone. GIBBS: Our usual conference room? (FORNELL AND GIBBS WALK O.S.) (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) KATE: What's going on? Fornell seems unusually upset. TONY: For an FBI agent. CHARLES: How would you feel if one of your team was lying on a slab? TONY: Depends... on who it was. CHARLES: Are you always a smart ass? TONY: Just to you boys from the Hoover building. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) GIBBS: I'm listening. FORNELL: Jimmy Napalitano. You know him? GIBBS: Fat little Mafioso, runs the business in Maryland, Virginia, and D.C. FORNELL: I've spent half my career trying to put that b*st*rd behind bars. Three trials, three times he walked on a technicality. GIBBS: Tough to be sympathetic, considering you let Ari go. FORNELL: Ari's a valuable intelligence asset, Gibbs. Napalitano is nothing but a cheap hood. GIBBS: Ari shot one of my people, kidnapped one of my agents and put a round through me. I don't see the difference, Fornell. FORNELL: I knew this was a waste of time. GIBBS: At least we agree on something.(SFX: ELEVATOR STOPS) FORNELL: Did anyone ever tell you you were an insufferable b*st*rd? GIBBS: Yeah. FORNELL: Damn it, Jethro. I came here because I need your help. GIBBS: I offered a joint investigation. You turned it down. FORNELL: I couldn't say anything in front of those agents. GIBBS: You don't trust them? FORNELL: Napalitano's always been a step ahead of me. Every informant, every agent I get close to ends up like that kid downstairs. No one's that lucky. GIBBS: He's got a mole in the Bureau. FORNELL: Or someone with access to my operations. GIBBS: Why not take it to Internal Affairs? FORNELL: They can't help me. GIBBS: But I can? FORNELL: Realizing how sad this sounds, you're the closet thing I have to a friend, Gibbs. GIBBS: You dying or something? Okay, not dying. Is this some part of a twelve step program? FORNELL: Look, are you going to help me or not? GIBBS: I'm thinking about it. FORNELL: It's settled then.(ELEVATOR STARTS) GIBBS: This isn't your style, Tobias. FORNELL: I know it. The Bureau believes that the mole who put my man on your slab... (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) FORNELL: ... is me. CHARLES: Sorry, Tobias. (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY RICKEY: (ON MONITOR) Hey, Tiffany! Enough with the smoking already! TIFFANY: (ON MONITOR) Get off my back, Rickey. RICKEY: (ON MONITOR) I'm paying you to dance, not get lung cancer! TIFFANY: (ON MONITOR) All right, all ready! BALDUCCI: (ON MONITOR) I thought Tiffany was your numero uno. RICKEY: (ON MONITOR) Nah, I dumped her. BALDUCCI: (ON MONITOR) Rickey, how do you dump something that looks like that? RICKEY: (ON MONITOR) Easy. Badda-bing. Badda-boom. Ciao! TONY: I've got to remember that one. CHARLES: The comedian's Napalitano's son, Little Rickey. TONY: Who's the muscle with him? CHARLES: Sal Balducci. Napalitano's enforcer. And that's the man himself. Jimmy Napalitano. A-K-A Jimmy Naps. He's politically connected and has the finest lawyers money can buy. He's virtually untouchable. JIMMY: We got a problem. RICKEY: (ON MONITOR) What kind of problem, Pops? JIMMY: (ON MONITOR) Not here. Inside. TONY: You got ears inside? CHARLES: No. Jimmy Naps is high-tech. Camera two, get me tight on the thug by the rear entrance. They find our bugs and wire taps before we finish installing them. GIBBS: Or your mole tips them off. CHARLES: There's no mole. Jimmy Naps set Fornell up. They study us like we study them. Rumor has it they have dossiers on all of us. They even know we're watching them right now. Camera one, show me Abe. Hello, Abe. TONY: Abe? CHARLES: As in Vigoda. That's the FBI call sign for him. TONY: Oh, yeah. It does sort of look like him. (WITH ACCENT) "Tom, can you get me off... for old times sake?" CHARLES: (WITH ACCENT) "Sorry, Solly. No can do." GIBBS: You two through? CHARLES: Sorry. The point is, Agent Gibbs, it's impossible to get near them. GIBBS: Agent Gera did. CHARLES: And he's dead. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOLDING CELL - DAY GIBBS: Not much of a view. FORNELL: Kind of reminds me of your basement. GIBBS: It's not dark enough. FORNELL: Did you see the Bureau's case against me? GIBBS: You know that your people won't share files with us. FORNELL: What's this supposed to be? GIBBS: Coffee. FORNELL: I'll take your word for it. They found two kilos of coke and fifty grand in counterfeit bills in my freezer. I thought the coke in ice cream quarts was a nice touch. GIBBS: It's an expensive one. Jimmy Naps has gone to a lot of trouble to frame you, Tobias. FORNELL: I know. He knew I was vulnerable. GIBBS: Vulnerable how? FORNELL: Ari. GIBBS: You're laying this on me, huh? FORNELL: I arranged your meeting with him, Jethro. He's our only agent inside Al Qaeda. And what did you do? You shot him! GIBBS: I could have killed him. Putting a round in his shoulder helped sell his cover to Al Qaeda. FORNELL: Why don't you explain that to the Director? He didn't buy it when I did. GIBBS: Okay, if you think it'll do any good.(SFX: GIBBS LAUGHS) FORNELL: I'm not getting out of this, am I? GIBBS: You'll get out of it. It just may not be the way you'd like. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: Duck! What have you got for me? DUCKY: Ah! I've identified our second victim from the dental charts supplied by the FBI. His name's Frank Pilato. CHARLES: Frankie P. He was to testify against Napalitano five years ago. He disappeared walking his dog on a Sunday afternoon. DUCKY: Yeah, those Sunday afternoon strolls can be dangerous. KATE: Ducky, I thought you said the test indicated he was dead five or six months ago. DUCKY: I did. Anyone care to guess how he died? TONY: I'm going to go out on a limb here and say something to do with flames. DUCKY: And you'd be wrong, Tony. His throat was slit. KATE: Bled to death. DUCKY: Actually, no, Kate. GIBBS: Lead poisoning. DUCKY: Three nine millimeter slugs to be exact. Administered at close range. GIBBS: He was kidnapped in ninety nine. Wasn't shot until a few months ago? DUCKY: He was most likely executed years ago. His body has only recently been exposed to the elements. Excuse me. His blood was drained after death and his body frozen. CHARLES: Jimmy Nap's version of the ice man. They stashed the body in a cooler somewhere and then dumped it years later when everyone stopped looking. TONY: Yeesh, shot, throat slit, frozen, then burned? Jimmy Naps definitely didn't like this dude. DUCKY: The Mafia does tend to have a flare for the dramatic, Tony. GIBBS: Anything on the finger parts Gunny De Luca picked up on the range? DUCKY: I'm good, Jethro, but not that good. I sent them up to Abby. GIBBS: Kate, Tony. TONY: On it, Boss. GIBBS: Agent Charles, can you get me the Bureau file on Fornell? CHARLES: I haven't even seen it. If I get caught, I'm finished as a Federal Agent. GIBBS: Don't get caught. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: You know what I think, McGee? MCGEE: What? ABBY: I think you're more interested in me than what I'm doing. MCGEE: That's not true! Not that I'm not interested in you. I am. But I'm more interested in... the work. Well, how could you say that? ABBY: Because what I'm looking at through the microscope. MCGEE: Yeah. ABBY: Is up there on that screen. MCGEE: Hey guys! ABBY: You here for the finger or the blood? KATE: What blood? ABBY: I found two types on Agent Gera's face. One is his. One is not. KATE: So if he was beaten, you know, kind of like the way you were yesterday by Gibbs? It could be the killer's. TONY: Kate-Kate-Kate, when I let Gibbs win, we all win. And if I beat the crap out of him, who do you think he's going to take it out on? Oh, that's right, all of us! MCGEE: So you took a dive for the team? TONY: Of course, McGee. KATE: It's good to know. GIBBS: It sure is. Turn around. TONY: I'm waiting for you to slap the back of my head, boss. GIBBS: I'm not going to slap your head. TONY: You're not? GIBBS: What, you don't think I have a sense of humor? Abs, I want a DNA on the unknown blood. ABBY: I already started it. GIBBS: Okay, what about the finger. Any idea how long it was on the range? ABBY: Well, ordinarily you can't date bones unless it's been in the ground long enough to soak up fluorine which is like hundreds of years. But sometimes being in a place where things get blown up all the time is a good thing. I swabbed the finger for explosives and I found traces of one. Mercury fulminate, which was completely phased out by the military by nineteen eighty six. KATE: Well, that means the mafia must have been dumping bodies down there for... MCGEE: At least eighteen years. KATE: Thank you, McGee. GIBBS: Good job, Abs. McGee, find a way to get Little Rickey's DNA. MCGEE: Okay.(GIBBS HITS TONY) GIBBS: It's no fun if you know it's coming. TONY: Ow! (TONY HITS McGEE) MCGEE: What was that for? TONY: Ah-ha! That's for eating my sandwich. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: I know how to get Little Rickey's DNA. TONY: Are you going to sleep with him? MCGEE: He was hit with two paternity suits in the last five years. Beat them both with a DNA test. TONY: Ha, nice try, Probie. But those tests are sealed court records. KATE: Those court records are sealed, McGee. TONY: Hey, that's what I just said. First! MCGEE: But not the records from the lab that he used. It's downtown. TONY: You'll never get a judge to sign off on that warrant. KATE: Maybe we don't need one. That is, if you're ready to become a father. TONY: I think she's talking to you, Probie. KATE: We go down to the lab and see if I'm carrying your baby. It'll be fun. MCGEE: Oh! And we can steal Little Rickey's DNA test. KATE: Photograph it for Abby. TONY: I'll do it. MCGEE: Why you? TONY: Do you think anyone would believe you actually slept with Kate? (TO GIBBS) Hey, I figured out how to get Little Rickey's DNA records. MCGEE: Oh, you mean I figured out. TONY: Hey, there's no "I" in team, McGee. GIBBS: How? TONY: A paternity clinic downtown. Kate and I can have them in an hour. GIBBS: Go get 'em. Atta boy. TONY: Thank you, Sir. GIBBS: McGee. CHARLES: I got the file on Fornell. GIBBS: Good. CHARLES: Not good. GIBBS: Fornell knew Jimmy Naps was under surveillance. He can explain this. CHARLES: That photo came from an anonymous source. From the newspaper blowup you can see the date. GIBBS: The seventeenth. CHARLES: Tobias had me pull surveillance on the seventeenth. GIBBS: Why? CHARLES: Never said. But it's the day before Agent Gera disappeared. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. PRISON CELL - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/FORNELL HANGS HIMSELF IN THE CELL) (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. CELL - DAY CHARLES: He didn't hang himself. Not Fornell. That's the coward's way out, and Tobias was no coward! MARSHAL: Only one person was in his cell with him today. CHARLES: Who? MARSHAL: Me. To cut him down. GIBBS: Doctor? EXAMINER: Yes? GIBBS: I would like our M.E., Doctor Mallard, to receive a copy of your autopsy report. EXAMINER: Ducky? Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. FERTILITY CENTER - DAY KATE: You writin' my name right? TONY: What?! I just want to know if it's mine. She kind of sleeps around a lot, if you know what I mean. KATE: If I did, it's because he ain't any good in bed. TONY: At least I didn't sleep with my cousin. KATE: You slept with my sister. TONY: I thought it was you! KATE: She weighs three hundred pounds. TONY: She was wearing your earrings! NURSE WELLS: That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. KATE: Look, is there anywhere that I can wait away from him, please? I'm begging you. NURSE WELLS: There's an empty exam room behind you two doors on the right. KATE: Thank you. NURSE WELLS: Mm-hmm. TONY: I'm sorry. (TO PATIENTS) She slept with my brother and my best friend at the same time. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECORDS ROOM - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE PHOTOGRAPHS THE RECORDS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: Okay, we've got Rickey's DNA from the clinic. Let's see if we match it to a sample from the crime scene. We're cued up. Initiating DNA match. (SFX: HIGH COMPUTER BEEP TONES) ABBY: That's it. It's Rickey Napalitano's blood. GIBBS: Thanks, Abs. TONY: We made a good couple, Kate. KATE: For the Jerry Springer show. ABBY: Dig your threads. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - MOVING JIMMY: You gotta be kidding me. Unfreakin' believable. He whacked himself? RICKEY: Yeah, poor Fornell. We won't see him no more, pops. (SFX: POLICE SIREN) SAL: Hey, this guy's pulling us over, boss. JIMMY: If I find out we got a busted taillight or something, Sally Boy, it's your ass. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY (SFX: CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) SAL: Is there a problem, officer? OFFICER: You're talking to the wrong person. TONY: Bona sera. We've got a warrant for your arrest, Little Dickey. RICKEY: It's Rickey. TONY: It's murder, Dicky. Come on. GIBBS: Come on, get out. JIMMY: All right. TONY: Hands on the hood, big guy. Stand up. RICKEY: Who the hell are you guys anyway? FBI? KATE: NCIS. RICKEY: Meat inspectors? JIMMY: Shut up, Rickey, will you? They're Navy cops. GIBBS: Turn around. RICKEY: Arrested by Navy cops!? Talk about embarrassing. At least you're hot, sweetheart. (KATE PUSHES RICKEY ONTO THE HOOD OF THE CAR) RICKEY: Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, take it easy. Take it easy. TONY: Now that's embarrassing. RICKEY: Ow! KATE: Go! JIMMY: All right, don't worry. Don't worry, all right, Rickey? Our lawyers will take care of this. (TO GIBBS) Ah, I don't think we've met, Agent.. GIBBS: Special Agent ...Gibbs. JIMMY: Special Agent Gibbs. So who is it my son was supposed to have whacked? GIBBS: An FBI agent, Victor Gera. JIMMY: I remember something about that. Something happened to him on a Marine base. What was it? SAL: Yeah, he got killed by a bomb. JIMMY: A bomb! Yeah. Yeah, suppose...God forbid, that my son could be connected to this accident, what would you charge him with, Special Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: Manslaughter. JIMMY: Manslaughter? Manslaughter. What's the worse you can get with that, Sally? SAL: Four years. Does one. JIMMY: It might do the kid some good. Season him up a bit. GIBBS: Jail can be a dangerous place. JIMMY: So they tell me. Yeah. You know, you remind me of somebody, Special Agent Gibbs. Somebody... who was that guy who was always talking trash. That Fed... SAL: Fornell. JIMMY: Oh, yeah. Fornell. That's it. Yeah, whatever happened to him? SAL: I think he hung himself. Real sad. JIMMY: Oh, yes. It's terrible. All that ambition and everything. And he ends up doing the twist. (JIMMY LAUGHS) (GIBBS PUSHES JIMMY AGAINST THE CAR) GIBBS: I get the Government agent on your payroll by sunup, dirt bag, or Little Rickey does the twist. JIMMY: Say I do this, all right? What do I get? GIBBS: I deliver Little Rickey to you. The evidence against him gets lost, and you never see me again. JIMMY: You'd do all this just to clear Fornell's name? GIBBS: He was my friend. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT CHARLES: You can't threaten to kill someone in custody, Gibbs. GIBBS: It wasn't a threat. CHARLES: You'd really do it? GIBBS: Hey, you want to clear Tobias's name? CHARLES: Hell, yes. But not by letting Little Rickey off for Vic's murder. GIBBS: He'll screw up again. CHARLES: You think Jimmy Naps is going to make a swap and just let you walk away? GIBBS: I hope not. (SFX: PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) JIMMY: (INTO PHONE) Rear of the club. One hour. Lose the Feds in the building and in the alley. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Oh, I can't do that. I'm operating on my own hook. Pick another place. (SCENE CUT) JIMMY: (INTO PHONE) You want me to pick a place? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I'm trying to show you there are no tricks here, Jimmy Boy. (SCENE CUT) JIMMY: (INTO PHONE) Coleman Park. You know it? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah. Yeah, I know it. (SCENE CUT) JIMMY: (INTO PHONE) Come alone. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (LAUGHS) (INTO PHONE) I'm not that stupid. (SCENE CUT) JIMMY: (INTO PHONE) All right, we each bring a man. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) One hour. (SCENE CUT) JIMMY: (INTO PHONE) And Gibbs, you hurt my boy, I'll kill your brothers, your uncles, your father... (SCENE CUT) JIMMY: (V.O./FILTERED) ... and after their funerals, I'll kill you. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) No brothers, no uncles, my father passed years ago. I do have three ex-wives whose names and addresses I will gladly fax on to you. (SFX: HANGS UP PHONE) GIBBS: Oh. He hung up. (KATE/TONY AND MCGEE PICK UP THEIR GUNS) GIBBS: Whoa. Where do you three think you're going? TONY/KATE AND MCGEE: (IN UNISON) With you, boss. GIBBS: I can bring one backup. TONY: Well clearly you should take me, boss. Probie doesn't know what he's doing. KATE: (OVERLAP) Oh, come on, Tony! Of course he doesn't know what he's doing. MCGEE: (OVERLAP) With all due respect, I do not think... TONY: Kate, with all due respect, you think you can conduct yourself in the field? KATE: Are you kidding, Tony? Why should he bring you? You're a total jackass. I'm the one that came up with the idea... (ALL TALK OVER) (SFX: WHISTLE) GIBBS: Agent Charles is going. CHARLES: Me? TONY: Are you kidding, Boss? He's kidding, right? MCGEE: I don't think he is, Tony. KATE: Gibbs, you need someone-- GIBBS: Someone who can verify the guy that Jimmy Naps turns over is FBI or Justice. Can any of you do that? CHARLES: He's right. I know the players. I go. (SFX: DRAWER SLIDES OPEN/ CLOSED) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARK - NIGHT RICKEY: These bracelets are killing me. You hear me?! (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) JIMMY: Stay there, Sally. Stay. Stay. Where's my boy? Where's Rickey? (CAR DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) RICKEY: Pops! JIMMY: Hey, you okay, son? RICKEY: No! Make 'em take these freakin' bracelets off me! GIBBS: Where's your end of the swap? JIMMY: I'll leave my backup in the car. You do the same. Sally, bring him out. SAL: Yeah, I got him. JIMMY: Come on! Let's go! Come on! Chop chop. We haven't got all day. (OLD MAN WALKS FROM THE CAR TO THE CLEARING) CHARLES: That's Abe! JIMMY: Stupido! RICKEY: Pop, I had nothing to do with-- JIMMY: Not you! This jabone. What did you think I was going to do? Let you come in my back yard and walk away with your coglionis? GIBBS: You know what Primacord is Jimmy? JIMMY: Primacord? (SFX: EXPLOSION) (SFX: TREE BRANCH FALLS TO THE GROUND) GIBBS: That was Primacord. This is Primacord. RICKEY: Oh! Oh! Pops! GIBBS: And this is a dead-man's switch. JIMMY: Oh, Marone. GIBBS: No, we can still deal, Jimmy. All you have to do is give me your mole's name. (JIMMY LOOKS AT AGENT CHARLES) GIBBS: Yeah, that's what we thought. CHARLES: You dumb Wop! He never would have set it off! The blast would kill him! GIBBS: Who are you going to believe? RICKEY: He's pazzo, Pop. He'll do it. He'll do it. CHARLES: In fact, I think the blast should kill all of you. You should have kept your mouth shut, Napalitano. (SFX: GUNSHOT) GIBBS: You lied to me, Jimmy. JIMMY: Oh, like you didn't expect it. I just saved all our lives. Now what? GIBBS: Ciao! RICKEY: Pops! (SHOUTS) Pops! JIMMY: You go to jail. You stay there a couple of years. It'll do you good, son! Come on. Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's get out of here. Hey, let's go. (SFX: CAR DRIVES O.S.) RICKEY: Get this thing off me. GIBBS: Here. Do it yourself. (SFX: BEEP TONE) (SFX: RICKEY SHOUTS) GIBBS: Boom. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) TONY: Whatcha doing there, Probie? MCGEE: I'm trying to find what I missed. How did Gibbs know that it was Charles? KATE: You mean you didn't know? TONY: He didn't know. MCGEE: What, you knew? TONY: We're seasoned investigators, McGee. KATE: You have to start thinking outside the box. TONY: Expect the unexpected. GIBBS: Good advice, Tony. FORNELL: Agent Todd, DiNozzo, McGee. (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED) GIBBS: What? (FADE OUT)

The NCIS team attends a crime scene and end up finding multiple remains among the wreckage despite the Army CID originally insisting that the whole event was nothing more than an accident. When one set of remains is revealed to be an FBI agent who was working undercover and who also received a very savage beating before his death, the team realizes that they've stumbled upon a dumping ground which the mob have been using for the last eighteen years to dispose of their victims. The FBI suspect an agency mole is responsible for the exposure and subsequent death of the murdered agent, and it appears as though Fornell is being set up to take the blame for what's going on while the real mole goes undetected. Unwilling to let Fornell take the fall, Gibbs sets out to find the real mole and clear Fornell's name, using tactics that shock his team.

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_05x09

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_05x09_0

[Salvatore's House] (Damon enters the mansion) Damon: Hey. I'm looking for Joseph Salvatore (A man enters) Joseph: You found him Damon: Love what you've done with the place. You know, if this whole boarding house thing doesn't pan out, you can always turn it into a high-class brothel Joseph: I'm glad you got my telegram. I haven't heard from Stefan yet, but I'm hoping he'll be here soon. When's the last time you two spoke? Damon: Well, he doesn't call, he doesn't write. Of course, neither do I. In all fairness, I am the one that abandoned him on a train platform in the middle of World War II Joseph: Well, there's always time to be a better man Damon: Eh, not sure I got one of those in me (Joseph attacks him) Joseph: Sorry about the vervain, Damon. The money was too good to pass up (A man enters) Man: Now I won't have to pay him Damon: Who the hell are you? Man: I'll be your doctor from now on Damon: What are you doing to me? Man: Just a little vervain Nowadays [A Cell] (Damon is in a cell. Dr. Maxfield is there) Damon: What the hell are you doing to me? Dr. Maxfield: Vervain to keep you calm Damon: Wes? Why am I here? Dr. Maxfield: I lost a test subject last night, and you're gonna replace him [Salvatore's House] (Katherine is writing in a diary) Katherine: Dear diary, so here I am alive. Stefan saved me from killing myself. Now he's got me on suicide watch. He says it will be therapeutic for me to write down my feelings about the fact that I'm dying and there's nothing I can do about it. Deep thoughts, mortal coil, blah, blah, blah (Stefan is here) Katherine: Ugh. My hand's tired. What kind of sentimental idiot writes down everything they feel? Is what the prophecy meant when it said that all the doppelgangers were drawn together like magnets? Because if it is, I want my money back Stefan: I'm just trying to make sure you don't slit your wrists Katherine: Well, this whole neurotic granny vibe doesn't exactly make me want to live. Do you really have nothing better to do than stand there all day and watch me write in cursive? Stefan: I'm trying to make sure you don't kill yourself Katherine: And how are you going to do that, you know, since you're still having your little panic attacks? Stefan: I'm fine Katherine: Yeah. Of course. You are the picture of mental health, Stefan, after being locked for 3 months in a safe at the bottom of a quarry Stefan: I am dealing with it Katherine: I know. I mean, I heard you dealing with it earlier today in the library. It sounded like you freaked out and broke a chair, maybe even two. How are you supposed to help me stay alive if you can't even help yourself? Stefan: So does this mean you want to live? Katherine: No. It means that I can't work with people who can't give me 100%. And so I may have called for backup (Stefan opens the front door. Caroline is there) Stefan: What are you doing here? Caroline: I'm your sober sponsor, and I heard that you needed help Stefan: Really? Caroline: And I got my mom to drop off something for us to use. Don't worry. I sanitized it [Whitmore College] (Elena knocks on Aaron dorms' room. He opens the door) Elena: Aaron, hey Aaron: Hey. So you heard? Elena: Heard what? Aaron: That Jesse's dead. He killed himself last night. Campus security came by to tell me Elena: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry Aaron: What's up with this college? It's supposed to be different. I came here to start fresh, get away from all the crap in my past... Elena: I get it. After everything you've been through, everything that you've lost, I would want to start over, too Aaron: How do you hit the reset button? Elena: Me? I haven't reset anything. All my problems, they've followed me here. Come to think of it, I'm probably not the right person to be getting advice from Aaron: So if you're not here about Jesse, uh, why are you here? Elena: I don't want to bother you, especially right now Aaron: My day's not gonna get any worse, so, uh, go ahead Elena: Ok. Well, um, last night, you told me that Wes was your legal guardian Aaron: Yeah. Since this past summer after my Aunt Sara died. You see what I'm talking about? Everyone around me ends up dead, and my sunny disposition makes me so many friends Elena: I'm sorry Aaron: Go ahead Elena: Um, the thing is my boyfriend Damon went to talk to Wes last night, and no one's really seen or heard from either of them since, and that kind of worries me, you know?So I know how bad the timing is, but I just... I was hoping that maybe you could help me find Wes Aaron: Yeah. Yeah. I think I know a place that we can look [A Cell] (Damon is still prisoner. Maxfield is on the other side of the cell) Damon: Just so you know, didn't end well for the last Augustine's. You're inviting bad karma in by holding me here Dr. Maxfield: Is that what you told Dr. Whitmore? Damon: Dr. Whitmore wasn't much for conversation Flashback [A Lab] (Damon is lying on a table. Dr. Whitmore is here) Damon: As much as I would like a free checkup, you're gonna let me go Dr. Whitmore: That's a good try. I'm wearing vervain Damon: You know, most people would buy me dinner first Dr. Whitmore: This isn't a personal matter. It's for the advancement of science Damon: What the hell are you talking about? Dr. Whitmore: You're a vampire. Your blood heals others, your body heals itself. You'll regenerate parts of internal organs after I remove them Damon: Listen. How I got this amazing body has nothing to do with science, so running--aah! (The doctor hurts him) Dr. Whitmore: You talk too much Nowadays [A Cell] Damon: So you Augustine freaks are still at it, eye exams and that sort of thing? Dr. Maxfield: Jesse was proof that my research goes far beyond that. I trained him to crave vampire blood instead of human blood. Now I'm ready to take my research to the next level [Whitmore College] (Aaron and Elena are walking) Aaron: Just doesn't make sense why Jesse would kill himself Elena: So you believe what campus security told you? Aaron: Why, do you know something else? Elena: Don't you think it's weird that both of your friends committed suicide before the first semester was even over? Aaron: Yeah, of course I think it's weird. Jesse loved it here; he had a huge crush on your friend. Megan had all these plans for her life. Elena: Which is why none of this makes sense. Aaron, look. I found Megan's body the night that she died. She was murdered, and Wes forged her death certificate Aaron: You saw her death certificate? Elena: I did some digging. Wes is part of something much bigger than anyone even realizes Aaron: Let's find him first. I want to hear his side of the story (They arrive at Whitmore House) Elena: Oh, um... You know, when you said that Wes was probably doing research, I didn't realize it would be here at Whitmore house Aaron: Oh, yeah. This place is like a second home. What are you waiting for? Come in (She enters) Elena: So who owns this place? Aaron: Not to sound like a douche, but technically, I do. Yeah. It's part of the Whitmore trust that I inherited when my parents died. Yeah. Don't hold that against me. Usually when people find out that my name's Aaron Whitmore... Elena: Hold on. Your last name's Whitmore? So you, like, own this school? Aaron: That's what they think (She sees a picture) Elena: That's my dad (Maxfield rejoins them) Dr. Maxfield: Grayson Gilbert was one of the best doctors the Augustine's ever had (He injects her with vervain) Aaron: What the hell? Dr. Maxfield: I'm glad he didn't live to see this [Salvatore's House] (Caroline and Stefan look at the safe) Stefan: I spent 3 months drowning in this thing. What the hell were you thinking? Caroline: I was thinking it's time for you to deal with the source of your PTSD Stefan: And you're sure you're not just sublimating your feelings about what happened to Jesse last night? Caroline: Feelings? What feelings would I have about my best friend killing the guy I was crushing on? Stefan: He was out of control, and Elena did what she had to do Caroline: No. Elena did what she thought she had to do just like she also thought that Damon was good boyfriend material. Now you see where I'm going with this? Stefan: Anyway, aren't you a drama major? What do you know about PTSD? Caroline: Well, I know that you tried to deal with it your own way and you failed, so now... We're gonna try it my way [Whitmore College] (Aaron is with Maxfield) Aaron: You know that this is kidnapping, right? Dr. Maxfield: That was more like a tranquilizer Aaron: What? Ok. Uh, what is going on here, Wes? Dr. Maxfield: I had to make sure Megan's death didn't draw attention to my work Aaron: Oh, to your work, your work? You study infectious disease transmittal Dr. Maxfield: I study vampires Aaron: What? Dr. Maxfield: They exist, Aaron, and Elena Gilbert is one of them. The syringe I used on her had vervain in it. Think of it as an anti-vampire drug. It's one of my safety measures Aaron: Where did all this stuff come from? Dr. Maxfield: This work has been going on for generations in secret. Your family pioneered it. Your dad trained me in it, and after your father died, the Whitmore trust continued to fund my research Aaron: Why didn't you ever tell me about this? Dr. Maxfield: You never needed to know before now. I meant to tell you this on your birthday. This is what your family fought for and believed in, Aaron. Consider it your legacy [A Cell] (Elena is in the cell next to Damon's) Damon: Come on, Elena. Wake up Elena: Damon? Are you...? Damon: I'm fine. Wes injected you with vervain. Maybe when it wears off, we'll be able to... un... break through these Elena: What the hell is going on? Why are you here? Why am I here? Damon: Wes is carrying out the grand Augustine tradition, getting his kicks off vampire torture Elena: Did he tell you that? Damon: He didn't have to. I've been here before. Someone in my family sold me out do the Augustine's in 1953. Every day, this nut job Dr. Whitmore tortured us, cut into us, took pieces of our eyes out, pushed us to every limit he could imagine, and he had quite the imagination. Kept me in this very cell, and don't think I haven't appreciated the irony Elena: How long were you here? Damon: 5 years give or take Elena: Damon, how did you not go crazy? Damon: Believe it or not, I made a friend Flashback [A Cell] Enzo: Welcome .Dr. Whitmore never gets tired of watching us vampires heal, but he gives us one glass of blood per day, just enough to keep us alive. Pick yourself up, soldier. My name's Enzo Nowadays [A Cell] Damon: He was a soldier in Europe during World War II Elena: How did he end up here? Damon: Dr. Whitmore was working in a battlefield hospital when he discovered Enzo was a vampire, so he drugged him, locked him in a coffin to ship him overseas. He'd been here for 10 years by the time I joined the party Flashback [A Cell] Enzo: You're doing it wrong. You're living for the moment. You need to live for the future Damon: What future? Enzo: The one where you get your revenge. For instance, in my future, my revenge will start with killing Whitmore's dog and mailing it to his house postage due. Go on. Picture your revenge. Use your imagination Damon: I can see it Nowadays [A Cell] Elena: Damon... Wes knew my dad. They worked together. He said that my dad was an Augustine, too. I know that my dad was a vampire hunter, but he was also the town doctor. He was kind and gentle and loving. He wouldn't be part of a place that would cut your eyes out Damon: People are full of surprises. Oh, hey. I am so, so sorry I got you caught up in this. Hey. Hey. Look at me. But I promise you I will get you out of here, ok? Ok? I'll get you out of here [Salvatore's House] (Stefan is in the safe) Stefan: Caroline! Do you even know what you're doing? Caroline: Yes. Well, it's in my textbook. Let me find it (Katherine enters) Katherine: Have you two ever, um--ahem--you know? Caroline: No, I don't know Katherine: Oh, come on. You know. Have you? Caroline: Oh, my God! Katherine, seriously? Katherine: That wasn't exactly a yes or a no Caroline: We are friends Katherine: Your loss. He's great in bed Caroline: Oh, God. I'm so not listening to this. Here. Ok, Stefan. Prolonged exposure therapy. "In vivo exposure gradually introduces elements of prior trauma, e.g. physical objects comma circumstances of duress comma" Katherine: Ok. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it, got it, got it. Stop talking. The words that are coming out of your mouth are giving me a headache Stefan: Caroline! Caroline! Caroline: I'm just trying to understand what I'm doing Katherine: Acting like a schoolteacher isn't going to make him feel any better Stefan: I can't breathe Katherine: Well, you are right about one thing. He needs to get over the root of his problem because right now the score is safe one, Stefan zero. So how do you help the guy who always comes to the rescue? Stefan's the hero. That's who he is at his core. He can't always come through for himself, but he can always come through for everyone else. I've got an idea [A Cell] Elena: Damon, how did you survive all those years? Damon: Enzo's friendship kept me alive. He gave me a reason to hang on to my humanity... Flashback [A Cell] Enzo: You much of sports fan, Damon? Damon: Even when I thought I'd be a prisoner forever Enzo: No. Neither am I. Any other interests... fine wines, travel, cars? I'm partial to Jaguars myself, convertibles, the kind you take on a Sunday drive to impress a pretty girl. Ever done that? Damon: Once or twice Enzo: Oh, come now. Got to be more than that Damon: The girl I was trying to impress was more of a horse and carriage type girl Enzo: What, just one girl? Damon: Never met another one like her Enzo: Well, fair enough Damon: Unh. What about you? Any pretty girls? Enzo: Eh, too many to count. Actually, there was one. Her name was Maggie Damon: Where'd you meet her? Enzo: Here of all places. She was working for Dr. Whitmore Damon: Charming? Enzo: Oh, she was very. She was kind to me. She used to sit here in the hallway taking notes while she observed me Damon: That's how you fell for her? Enzo: Oh, she was also stunningly beautiful. You have to understand she... she wasn't part of the torture and the experiments. For the longest while, she didn't realize that Dr. Whitmore was doing more than just observing my behavior. I didn't have the heart to tell her. I was just so glad of her company, you know? Damon: Yeah Enzo: When she finally realized what was going on here, she couldn't bear it. So she said she was sorry, and she left Damon: Well...yo u know, never really would have worked anyway. You're a vampire, she's a human. The relationship would have been doomed from the beginning Enzo: You need a more positive outlook, mate (Dr. Whitmore arrives) Dr. Whitmore: Who's next? 21051, you seem to have more energy Enzo: I take that as an insult. I'm far more energetic than my neighbor here. I can't believe you didn't notice Dr. Whitmore: Your turn then Damon: Why are you doing this to us? Dr. Whitmore: Because, 21051, I'm seeking at the smallest indivisible unit of your biological makeup, and once I can understand you from a cellular level, I can put you to use [SCENE_BREAK] Nowadays [A Cell] Elena: Oh, my God, Damon.Ok. Stefan is gonna figure this out. When you don't come home and no one hears from me, he will... he will find us Damon: Points for optimism, but unfortunately Stefan doesn't even know this place exists Elena: But you were here for 5 years Damon: Yeah, and the first year, I thought he'd rescue me. He didn't. Once I escaped, there was no point in giving him more to feel guilty about, so I never told him what happened here. I never told any one Elena: Yeah, but you did escape. How did you do it? Damon: They let us out of the basement once a year. Every New Year's Eve, the Augustine people had a little cocktail party with a vampire buffet on the side. We were weak from vervain injections, half-starved from living on a glass of blood a day, chained up like animals. This little annual shindig is where Dr. Whitmore got to show all of his Augustine friends what he'd found in his research Flashback (Enzo and Damon are in a cage. The Augustine's are reunited) Dr. Whitmore: Mrs. Fell has generously offered her hand for the purpose of this demonstration. Please observe Damon: He let his guests drink from us to demonstrate the healing power of vampire blood Dr. Whitmore: The dermal layer is completely healed, no nerve damage, no muscular damage. See for yourselves Damon: But on the plus side, that's how Enzo came up with his plan (Damon and Enzo are back in their cells) Enzo: Well, the thing about our daily ration of blood is that it's barely enough for one vampire to survive on, but if one vampire were to drink two rations every day for the next year, he'd be able to build up his strength so that by the time new year's Eve comes round again that one vampire will be ready to fight Damon: Are you sure that will work? Enzo: I'm sure I can only try with your help. We've just got to choose between us. All right, Damon. We're gonna play scissor, paper, stone to decide (They play) Damon: Paper covers rock Enzo: All right then. A win's a win. You'll lead the way. Here's my ration. Now we've got 364 days to get you ready for the party. Cheers Damon: Cheers Nowadays [A Cell] Elena: So did it work? Damon: More or less Elena: How did you get out? Damon: It doesn't matter, Elena. I got strong, I got out. It wasn't pretty. All you need to know [Whitmore House] Dr. Maxfield: Here. Another birthday present. This belonged to your great grandfather. It's a safety precaution for use in vampire research (Aaron finds a newspaper article) Aaron: It's Anna Ruby campground. That's where my parents died Dr. Maxfield: I know Aaron: It wasn't an animal attack, was it? Dr. Maxfield: I found them, Aaron. I found you next to their bodies. As soon as I saw them, I knew that vampires had attacked them. That's why I continued your father's work, so this could never happen again. I hope you'll join me [Salvatore's House] (Katherine is in the safe with Stefan) Katherine: So try not to be mad at me. I got in here while you were unconscious. Then Caroline locked us inside. It was the only way Stefan: Let me out of here! Caroline! Caroline: I know it's a little extreme, but the baby steps approach wasn't working Katherine: See? That's why I need you not to get mad at me because when you're mad, you get anxious and violent and you rip people's heads off, but I'm gonna help you fix that Stefan: Caroline, get me out of here before I hurt her! Katherine: That's the whole point, Stefan. You need to get over your PTSD triggers, ok, or else you will kill me Stefan: You're risking your life Katherine: I'm already dying, you idiot. You're the one who wants to keep me alive. It's my turn to help you now Stefan: I can't be in here. Please Katherine: You're Stefan Salvatore. Suck it up [A Cell] Elena: Wes is gonna come back down here, and we'll both be the newest Augustine experiment. You have to tell me how you got out of here, Damon Damon: You don't want to know, Elena Elena: Why? You think that I'm gonna judge you? Damon, I love you. I love you, and these people tortured you for 5 years. Whatever you had to do, I don't care Damon: All right. All right. The Augustine's next party was in 1958. I'd been drinking Enzo's ration for an entire year. I mean, he kept a few drops here and there so he wouldn't desiccate, and as he starved himself, I got stronger from all the extra blood just like he said I would [SCENE_BREAK] (It's the New Year's Eve party) Dr. Whitmore: Ladies and gentlemen, as it is almost midnight, I think it fitting that we toast the New Year with a glass of vampire blood, wouldn't you agree? (He gets Damon out of the cage. Damon gets rid of his restraints) Damon: Now you see it... (He starts attacking the Augustine's) Enzo: Damon, we got to get out of here. Damon, now! Let's go! (Damon tries to get his out) Damon: Vervain! Enzo: Come on, come on. You can do it Damon: Enzo trusted me with his life. The fire was getting out of control. I would have burned up, or they would have captured me again. There's no way I would have ever gotten another chance of escaping. So I chose to save myself Enzo: Damon Damon: I'm sorry, Enzo Enzo: Damon, please Damon: And I knew if I was gonna save myself that I had to stop caring about Enzo. So I turned off my emotions Enzo: Don't... don't leave me here. Don't go! Please! Damon! Damon: I let my friend die Enzo: Please don't leave me! Damon! Come on! Damon! Damon! Damon: After that, everything was fine [Salvatore's House] (Stefan and Katherine are still in the safe) Caroline: How's it going in there? Stefan: I... I can't breathe. I feel... I feel... I feel like I'm dying Katherine: So I've been using this time to think. I think there is actually a little bit of truth to this doppelganger prophecy. I think you're still in love with Elena. I think you're miserable about the fact that she chose Damon over you and that you want to get out of this one-horse town and as far away from their happiness as possible, and yet somehow, you keep finding excuses to stay in Mystic Falls. I think I'm just that latest excuse Stefan: I'm gonna kill you Katherine: Good. Yeah. Get it all out, Stefan. I think this is healthy, although don't forget you loved me before you hated me Stefan: Any reason you chose to have this conversation with me locked in a safe? Katherine: Yes! So that I can show you that the safe isn't the problem Stefan: How could you say that to me? Katherine: The problem is you're not facing your real issues. The death that you felt in the safe, the pain of dying over and over again, it's easier for you to focus on the physical pain than the emotional heartbreak of Elena leaving you. Your problem is you're not in touch with the reality of the moment, so let's bring you back to the present, shall we? In this moment, are you going to feed on me, or are you gonna save my life? Fight it, Stefan, fight it! I'm here. I'm here I'm with you. We're together (Caroline opens the safe) Caroline: It was so quiet, I got worried. See? You made it out alive [A Cell] (Aaron enters to see Elena and Damon) Aaron: What the hell is this place? Elena: Aaron? Damon: Great. Mini-Wes Aaron: I had no idea what Wes was doing. I didn't even know there was a basement down here Elena: Aaron, you have to help us Aaron: I want to know the truth. When you met me at Megan's memorial, you asked me a bunch of questions Damon: Slick hands, cowboy Aaron: Yeah? Well, I've never used a gun before, and I've never killed anyone either unlike you Elena: What are you talking about? Aaron: Wes said a vampire killed Megan Damon: And you thought it was Elena? Elena: No. Megan was inside this house. I hadn't even been invited yet. You ju... Aaron: Wes also said that a vampire killed my parents. Maybe that was you, too Elena: No. Aaron, that's impossible Aaron: Why else would you be so interested in me? Damon: Calm down Aaron: Why else would you pretend to be my friend? She's a vampire! Damon: Not the one that killed your parents. It was all me Aaron: What did you just say? Start talking Elena: Damon, what are you doing? Damon: In 1958, after the fire, Enzo was dead, so I had to take on my revenge plan solo Flashback [A Cell] (Damon is talking with Enzo) Damon: Yes. I can see it. After I've taken out the entire Augustine society, I'll kill every member of the Whitmore family Enzo: Boo! I said use your imagination Damon: Except one person. I'll let that person grow up and start a family, and then I'll start killing Whitmore's again. Then I'll take out the generation after that, leaving only one person to carry on the name, and then I'll take out the generation after that and so on and so on and so on Nowadays [A Cell] Damon: And that's exactly what I did Aaron: How many Whitmore's have you killed? Damon: Since 1958? I lost count Elena: When was the last one? Damon, when was the last one? Damon: A few months ago. Her name was Sara. I had to go all the way to Charleston to find her. It was a weekend trip. You didn't know Elena: But we were together a few months ago. Starting the summer of our lives. I had no idea Damon: Told you it wasn't pretty [Salvatore's House] (Caroline is alone in the living room) Caroline: A little help here! I mean, I know I'm a vampire, but this thing is really heavy. Stefan? Hello! (Katherine rejoins Stefan in the library) Stefan: You know, for the record, I, uh, I only broke one of these Katherine: It was an ugly chair. You're better off without it Stefan: So I guess you were right all along. It was easier for me to focus on my physical pain than the breakup. I need to move on Katherine: So you admit it. I do know what I'm doing Stefan: To be honest with you, I never know exactly what you're doing, Katherine Katherine: Well, Stefan, sometimes... I don't either. Like right now... For example (Caroline is leaving a voicemail to Elena) Caroline: Hey, Elena. I'm probably gonna stay at my mom's tonight. I think I am officially homesick, so I'll let you know when I'm... Oh, my God. Call me as soon as you get this! [Whitmore College] (Maxfield is on the phone with Aaron) Dr. Maxfield: Look. I'm sorry you had to find out about your parents like this Aaron: What the hell is going on, Wes? Their other friends gonna come after me? I mean, do I need to drop out? Dr. Maxfield: You'll be fine. Just go to school, live your life.Talk to you soon [A Cell] (Damon wakes up) Damon: Ohh. Guess I had that coming. Elena? Elena? Elena? Elena! Elena! [A Lab] (Elena is tied) Elena: What's happening? (Enzo is next to her) Enzo: Welcome. I'm 12144. My name is Enzo

Flashback to the 1953, Damon is vervained. As Damon is caged in the present, Wes reveals his plans to use him as his next test object. Stefan decides to look after Katherine, who is even more desperate now that she is dying. Elena asks for help from Aaron to find Wes. Back in 1953, Damon is experimented on by Dr. Whittemore. Caroline brings the safe Stefan spend three months under water in, so he could deal with his problems. Wes is forced to vervain Elena and reveal the truth about vampires to Aaron in order to secure him. When Elena is trapped by Wes in a cage she meets Damon, who tells her about The Whittemore family and how he survived. Damon reveals to Elena that with him was a man named Enzo. Katherine comes up with the perfect idea that can help Stefan move on from his fear from the safe: Katherine got into the safe with him. While Katherine works with Stefan through his real problem, Elena dumping him, Damon shares his past to Elena. Enzo and Damon had come up with a plan to escape. Enzo gave Damon his daily ration of blood for a year and then at a party, Damon attacked the rest of the humans at the party. A candle set the place on fire and Damon abandoned Enzo to die. Aaron confronts Elena about his family's deaths, and Damon reveals that as a part of his revenge, he killed all of the Whitmore family except one, preferring to wait for more generations to be born so he could continue his revenge. Meanwhile, Caroline overhears Katherine and Stefan having sex. Aaron shoots Damon while Elena is taken away and meets Enzo, who is still locked up after all these years.

fd_One_Tree_Hill_05x04

fd_One_Tree_Hill_05x04_0

LUCAS (voiceover) : My name is Lucas Scott. Four years ago, I graduated from high school with my friends, and we all went our separate ways. Recently, we've all come home. My ex-girlfriend Peyton is starting a new record label... JASON : So we're gonna give you a chance. Don't let us down. PEYTON : I won't. LUCAS (voiceover) : ...and getting to know my new girlfriend, Lindsey... sort of. LINDSEY : Peyton, hi. You just missed Lucas. PEYTON : Yeah, actually, I came here to see you. But for the record, I'm not after Lucas, okay? LUCAS (voiceover) : Haley just hired a nanny for her son, Jamie. JAMIE : Look, mama. Me and daddy made mud. HALEY : I'm sorry. Who am I kidding? How soon could you start? LUCAS (voiceover) : Because her husband, Nathan's, been in a wheelchair, but now seems to be recovering in more ways than one. HALEY : What is this? NATHAN : I figure it's a start, right? HALEY : I've really missed you. LUCAS (voiceover) : Mouth started a job... and other things with his new boss, Alice. Brooke opened a local store for her fashion line, but she also found that sometimes your problems follow you home. BROOKE : What are you doing here? VICTORIA : Vacation's over. It's time to get back to work. BROOKE : No. I'm not going back. VICTORIA : Brooke. BROOKE : Mother. VICTORIA : I'll see you on the plane, my beautiful daughter. LUCAS (voiceover) : Like I said, we're all home now, maybe hoping that the things we were looking for were right here in Tree Hill all along. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE PEYTON : Heya, roomie. So, I've got a plan on how we deal with Victoria. BROOKE : Really? PEYTON : Ready? I'll get the shovel, and you get 10 feet of rope... Too much? BROOKE : Maybe. And what about you? Don't you have a band to turn into rock stars or something? PEYTON : Yes. Today is our first day in-studio. I've got to do some other stuff beforehand, though. BROOKE : Okay. Good luck. PEYTON : Brooke. You're doing great. LUCAS (voiceover) : Much as some of us fight it, our parents have a mystical hold over us... the power to affect our thoughts and emotions the way only they can. It's a bond that changes over time but doesn't diminish, even if they're half a world away... or in another world entirely. It's a power we never fully understand. We're left only to wonder that when our time comes, what kind of hold will we have on our children? INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan, Haley, Carrie and Jamie are in the kitchen for breakfast JAMIE : Daddy, can we play ball again? Now? HALEY : No, not right now, sweetie. Maybe later. Thank you. JAMIE : I want to play every day. He shoots. He scores. Straight to the hole, playas. HALEY : Okay. I guess we got to stop leaving him with Skills. CARRIE : Come on, champ. There's a bath with your name on it. (Carrie takes Jamie and leave the kitchen) HALEY : So how are you doing? NATHAN : I'm trying. There's good days and bad days, right? It's a good thing we don't have to worry about money, but I got to figure out what I'm gonna do. Not all of us can have it together all the time. HALEY : Please, if you only knew. NATHAN : I thought you had those kids in line. HALEY : You remember Quentin? The one that walked out after I threatened to fail him? Well... Next thing I know, he got cut from the basketball team and he stopped showing up at school. NATHAN : That's not your fault. HALEY : Yeah, but I'm a teacher. I'm supposed to be saving these kids, not running them off. I tried to talk with him, but he wouldn't listen to me. Oh, maybe if he... had somebody he could relate to. NATHAN : Whatever you're thinking, stop it. HALEY : Come on. NATHAN : Haley, I'm the last person that should be giving anybody a talk. HALEY : You're, like, a basketball God or something to these guys. And you're not a teacher, which will really help. I think he might listen to you. NATHAN : All right. I'll think about it. HALEY : Thank you. For what it's worth, I think it might give you another good day. NATHAN : Really? HALEY : Yeah... So, are you bringing back the mullet, or what? MOUTH'S BEDROOM Mouth is in his bed, Alice is dressing up MOUTH : You know, you're really hot when you're not yelling about how much I suck. ALICE : See you at work. Don't be late, okay? MOUTH : Yes, ma'am. (Alice leaves the room. After a while, Skills walks in) MOUTH : Do you ever knock? SKILLS : What's that? MOUTH : I don't smell anything. SKILLS : Perfume. Yeah, Chanel 5 elixir... choice of a classy older woman. Ooh! Claw marks! Somebody tussled with a cougar last night! MOUTH : You're out of your mind. SKILLS : It was your boss lady, wasn't it? Damn, I knew it! Office dragon lady by day, s*x machine to entry-level chumps by night. MOUTH : I don't know what you're talking about. SKILLS : My boy, you need to ask for a raise! CLOTHES OVER BROS BROOKE : Okay, guys. We open in a day, so how is it possible that the light panel doesn't work? VICTORIA : I don't see luggage. So... this is why you disappeared from your work and your life and your family... for a half-built shop in the middle of a half-dead town. BROOKE : Don't say that. Tree Hill's home. VICTORIA : Not anymore. Get in the car. BROOKE : No. VICTORIA : Brooke... BROOKE : Just listen to me, please. For the last couple of years, you have told me what to do, who to date, what to say. And I've let you because you are the brains behind this whole operation. VICTORIA : And the company didn't seem to suffer. BROOKE : I agree, and I am grateful, but I've learned a lot, and I know that I can do this. Just give me a chance to prove it to you. VICTORIA : All right. All right. I can't force you to go back to New York. If this is what you really want, I'll respect your decision. BROOKE : Thank you. VICTORIA : I should commend you for opening a shop yourself. Just dealing with the inventory, the catering, and the publicity... but I'm sure you've taken care of all that by now. BROOKE : Of course. (Victoria leaves, Brooke takes her phone) BROOKE : Millicent? Hi. It's me. I need your help. RIVERCOURT Quentin is playing alone. Nathan arrives QUENTIN : What brings the great Nathan Scott around here, huh? Checking out the next big thing? NATHAN : That crossover wouldn't work in the NBA or college, but it's not bad. QUENTIN : Yeah. You got any suggestions? NATHAN : Could try the fadeaway. QUENTIN : The fadeaway's weak. So... I heard you mixed it up back in your day, huh? Girls. Bookies. A little point-shaving. NATHAN : That was a long time ago, Quentin. SKILLS : Oh, you ain't got to explain nothing to me, playa. People like you and me, man, we're just misunderstood. NATHAN : Is that why you dropped out of school? Teachers didn't get you? SKILLS : You should be thankful. One more year, I'd have broke your scoring record. NATHAN : Maybe there's something we can do about that. INTERIOR LUCAS' BEDROOM Lucas and Lindsey are kissing LUCAS : Why do you always look extra sexy right before you're about to leave? LINDSEY : Oh, because I'm mean like that. I'll be back from New York late sunday. Try and stay out of trouble while I'm gone. LUCAS : Come on. What kind of trouble could I get in without you? (Lindsey opens the door, Peyton is outside) PEYTON : Hi. (Lindsey shut the door in front of Peyton) EXTERIOR LUCAS' BEDROOM Peyton is still in front of Lucas' door and knock. Lindsey comes out LINDSEY : Change of plans. That was a joke. Sorry. PEYTON : It's okay. I deserve it. LINDSEY : Lucas is getting dressed, but he'll be out in a sec. PEYTON : Actually, I wanted to apologize for yesterday. You were being nice, and I got bitchy and weird, and I'm really sorry. LINDSEY : Don't worry about it. PEYTON : Okay. Anyway, Brooke's having her store opening tomorrow, and I didn't know if maybe you wanted to go together. We could go get dinner beforehand and... clean slate, you know? LINDSEY : I'd love to, but I'm about to hop on a plane to New York. Actually, Lucas is going. You two should go together. He hates going to those things alone. PEYTON : I couldn't. I'm sorry. Honestly, I would just feel way too guilty after how I behaved. LINDSEY : I know. I'm counting on it. Besides, you'd have to be a pretty awful person to do what you did and then hit on my boyfriend while I'm out of town. Like you said, clean slate. You two have fun. INTERIOR TREE HILL GYM Skills is taking care of the practice, Nathan arrives SKILLS : Nathan Scott... standing up and looking good. NATHAN : How's it going? SKILLS : You know... everybody expecting us to turn this thing around this season, so the pressure's on. NATHAN : If anybody can do it, it's you and Lucas. SKILLS : True dat. But we ain't miracle workers. (Lucas arrives) LUCAS : Hey, little bro. You look great. NATHAN : Feel terrible. I just wanted to thank you for being there for Haley and Jamie. LUCAS : Don't worry about it. So, you here to teach these kids how to win a championship? NATHAN : I have an idea on where to start. You could put Quentin back on the team. LUCAS : Haley put you up to this. NATHAN : She's got a thing for lost causes. And I watched the kid play. He's really good. LUCAS : I'm not saying the kid doesn't have talent. The fact is, I don't have time to coach him or deal with his crap or teach him to play an unselfish game. NATHAN : Okay. What if I did? LUCAS : You're gonna come to practice? Every practice? Every day, five days a week? NATHAN : If that's what it takes. LUCAS : All right. I'll do it for you, but not for him. Welcome back, Nate. NATHAN : Thanks, man. LUCAS : All right. Three-man weave. Line it up. PEYTON'S RECORDING STUDIO Peyton is working with the new band PEYTON : He, guys! Guys! That's great. That sounds really good. Jason, maybe this time, let's play a little bit slower. I think it'll make it more intense, you know? JASON : Sure thing. PEYTON : Cool. PEYTON : Hey, guys, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think that's the same tempo. JASON : Yeah, it is. PEYTON : All right. Maybe I wasn't clear. JASON : Look, these are my songs, Peyton. We play them my way. Nobody's gonna change that. INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Haley walks in. Carrie and Jamie are there. HALEY : Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late. JAMIE : Hi, mom. HALEY : Hi, baby. Ooh, I love you. I had a mountain of papers to grade. I just have a couple more rands to run, and then I'll take Jamie out of your hair. CARRIE : Actually, I saw your to-do list on the fridge and thought I'd help out. I picked up the dry cleaning. Nathan's prescription's on the counter. And we baked dairy-free brownies for Jamie's playdate with Chuck. JAMIE : He's lactose-intolerant. HALEY : Yes, he is. I totally spaced about his playdate. I'm so sorry. CARRIE : Don't sweat it. That's what I'm here for. Have a lactose-free afternoon. JAMIE : Bye, mama. HALEY : Bye. CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke is still working on the shop before the opening BROOKE : All right, guys. Let's pick up the pace, please. We're shorthanded as it is. Thank you. (Brooke turns around, and Victoria's there) BROOKE : Well, well... you know, this morning I was half expecting you to disown me. VICTORIA : Oh, Brooke, I want what's best for you. Someday you'll realize that. So, what can I do? I'm offering my help if you want it. Good God. What is that? BROOKE : That is my assistant Millicent. VICTORIA : Tell me again why you have an assistant who dresses like a slavic bag lady. BROOKE : Stop it. She's great. And what you can do to help me is do inventory with her. (Brooke leaves and Millicent comes by) MILLICENT : Hi, Victoria. I'm really excited to be here. VICTORIA : Call the New York office. I want the latest couture line brought in. MILLICENT : Absolutely. How many pieces? VICTORIA : All of them. MILLICENT : But why... VICTORIA : Go! OUTSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Peyton and Haley are sitting on the verge of the pool, talking. Nathan is exercising in the pool. PEYTON : I just don't understand how someone who can write such soulful songs can be such a dick, you know? PEYTON (talking about the brownies) : These are awesome. HALEY : At least the band sounds good, you know? PEYTON : Yeah, but something's not right, you know? I mean, they have magic, but... Anyway, I know you're super swamped, but if I can borrow you for like two hours... NATHAN : Hales, you should do it. HALEY : I don't know. I've got the housework and Jamie. CARRIE : Oh, yeah. It's too bad we don't have somebody to take care of that, like... I don't know... maybe a nanny? Just go. HALEY : Okay. PEYTON : Cool. LUCAS' OFFICE AT TREE HILL HIGH Quentin walks in, Lucas is there QUENTIN : You wanted to see me? LUCAS : Close the door. QUENTIN : Let me guess, huh? You want me back, right? (Quentin makes himself comfortable and put his feet on the desk) LUCAS : Take your feet off my desk. QUENTIN : Oh, man, I get it. Local boy becomes coach, feels pressure to win big, needs a star player to make it happen. Yeah, I guess I could help you out. LUCAS : Let me tell you how it's gonna go. I'm the coach. You do what I say, and I do not ask you twice. For instance, there's the matter of your feet on my desk. (Quentin takes his feet off the desk) LUCAS : I'm building a team. You play your part and do as I say or you are gone. Just so we're clear. QUENTIN : Look, we both know I'm the best shooting guard in the state, so why don't we just cut the crap, huh? I'm not playing no zone defense. Matter of fact, I might not play no defense at all. And on offense, I need my minutes, so I'm'a play when I want and I'm'a sit when I want. And that weak-ass point guard? Find somebody that's gonna feed me the ball, man. You do that, you can stand on the sideline, hold your little clipboard, and watch me work. And when we win, I might even let you take the credit. (Quentin starts leaving) QUENTIN : Oh, you can call me "Q," coach. I like you, man, but, uh, that's how it's gonna go. Just so we're clear. PEYTON'S RECORDING STUDIO The band is still working. Peyton and Haley are in the booth HALEY : Yeah. You're right. I mean, they're definitely raw, but there's something there. PEYTON : Yeah. HALEY : Do you mind if I... PEYTON : No. Be my guest. Just watch out for Jason. He's... That's Jason. (Haley goes talk to them) HALEY : You guys sound amazing. The hook is really great. I think this might be a little repetitive, just... over and over, and if you try and alternate the verses with something just even as simple as... (The girl at the piano, Mia, starts playing something) HALEY : Yeah. Yeah, exactly. JASON : That's great but if it's all the same to you, I think we'll do it my way. PEYTON : Well, I'm really liking this. JASON : Oh, you're talking now? Thought your lesbian girlfriend was calling the shots. HALEY : Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to step on you creatively. I just have some experience... JASON : Playing the church organ? PEYTON : Actually, she's had a major record deal and a billboard hit and a sold-out national tour, whereas you are the lead singer of a band that plays for free beer in dive bars. So yes, you could benefit from her. JASON : Whatever. I'm taking a smoke break. PEYTON : No, Jason. You have one hour left in the studio. [SCENE_BREAK] MOUTH'S OFFICE Mouth is working, one of his co-worker comes in, Jerry JERRY : So, Mouth, saw you coming out of Alice's office. MOUTH : You did? JERRY : Boy, she must have really worked you over. Hey, man, hey... don't let it get to you, okay? Alice hates everyone. Look, we got a good, solid crew here, but you'd never know it. Not the way she tears into us. MOUTH : Yeah, she does like calling the shots. JERRY : Yeah, well, she's lucky she's so hot, huh? You know, I just wish someone would stand up to her someday. PEYTON'S RECORDING STUDIO Peyton and Haley are still there alone PEYTON : I'm really sorry about Jason. HALEY : It's okay. I've worked with self-centered musicians before. Chris Keller ring a bell? PEYTON : Only his own. HALEY : You know, if you're open to it, I'd really like to work with them. PEYTON : Like produce the record? Aren't you kind of busy? HALEY : Yeah, a few days ago I was. But then Carrie came around and I actually had time to think. You know what I realized? I'm 21 years old. Nathan and I got married and had Jamie so young, and it feels like we already lived our lives, but we're just starting out like everybody else is. And just because I'm a wife and a mother and a teacher, it doesn't mean I can't achieve some self-transcendence by doing something else that I love. PEYTON : Well, guess what. Job's yours, so calm down, okay? HALEY : Thank you very much. CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke is still working on the shop before the opening with Millicent, Victoria and also Peyton, Lucas, Mouth. Millicent arrives with some pizzas BROOKE : All right, guys. Come and get it. Now, words cannot express how much I appreciate you all being here on a friday night doing manual labor, so I'm just gonna say this... do not get food on the clothes. Millicent will be distributing handi wipes... use them. Break's over in 20 minutes, and I love you all. LUCAS : It's good to see that success and fame hasn't changed her. PEYTON : No really it hasn't, you should have seen her at cheer camp. LUCAS : Hey, how's the new band going? PEYTON : I thought it was gonna be all good times and groovy tunes, and nobody warned me about obnoxious, elf-righteous musicians. LUCAS : You've always been capable of a lot more than you've given yourself credit for. (Brooke goes to see her mom) BROOKE : So, what do you think? VICTORIA : Truthfully, this afternoon I didn't think it could be done. But somehow, you have pulled it off. You should feel very proud. BROOKE : I'm glad you're here for this. VICTORIA : Me too. (Brooke leaves and Peyton comes to see Victoria) PEYTON : Hi, Mrs. Davis. I just want to tell you I think it's really great you're supporting Brooke's decision to stay. I know it means so much to her. VICTORIA : Of course I support my daughter. But let's be clear. The only reason that Brooke returned to this backwater town is because her loser friend couldn't cut it in Los Angeles. That's why I'm here... to make sure that my daughter is not completely exploited by her parasitic so-called friend. So you get your little act together before you ruin her life, too. PEYTON'S RECORDING STUDIO Mia is playing. Haley walks in HALEY : Wow, Mia. That's really great. Did you write it? MIA : Oh, it doesn't matter. Jason writes all our songs. HALEY : Has the band ever played it? MIA : Really, it's... it's nothing, you know? Jason writes all our stuff, so... (Mia leaves) INTERIOR TREE HILL GYM Practice. Quentin's playing SKILLS : Four passes before you shoot. Four passes before you shoot. QUENTIN : What y'all gonna do about that? Yeah, that's right... nothing. QUENTIN (to Nathan) : That's for you, playa. LUCAS : He's all yours. NATHAN : Jeez. Can I cut him? CLOTHES OVER BROS MILLICENT : The store looks really great, Brooke. I can't believe your friends pulled an all-nighter. BROOKE : I know.They're pretty wonderful. But I bet you have friends who'd do the same for you. MILLICENT : I don't have a lot of real friends in New York. BROOKE : Yeah. Well, neither do I. Now, I have a question. There's a lot more high-end stuff in the store than I remember ordering. Did we... MILLICENT : Actually, Victoria... VICTORIA : Victoria asked you to fix the window display yesterday. A little less chit-chat, a little more work, yes? (Millicent leaves) VICTORIA : She's very frumpy. We should fire her. BROOKE : Stop. MOUTH'S OFFICE There're lots of people working in the recording studio, including Mouth when Alice walks in ALICE : Hey, if you cannot fix this crappy feed, then pick up your next check at the unemployment office. MOUTH : It's not his fault. ALICE : What was that? MOUTH : It's not his fault the feed's off. If you'd let people here do their jobs right in the first place, maybe things would run better. ALICE (to Mouth) : In my office. Mouth and Alice in her office ALICE : Never talk back to me in front of the crew again. But that was kind of hot. (They kiss) RIVERCOURT Quentin is playing, Nathan arrives QUENTIN : If it ain't my biggest fan. NATHAN : You need to start listening to your coaches, Quentin. QUENTIN : They need me more than I need them, man. NATHAN : Only reason you're back on that team is because I'm vouching for you. QUENTIN : I don't remember asking you for no help. NATHAN : Hey... I get it, okay? I used to be just like you, Quentin. QUENTIN : Okay. NATHAN : But it's not gonna help you win games. More importantly, it's not gonna help your relationships with other people. QUENTIN : Other people? Who needs other people when you got this? (Quentin makes a dunk) NATHAN : Keep thinking like that and you're gonna blow it. You listen to me, I'll get you to the State Championship. QUENTIN : Look, man, I gave you respect 'cause you got game... had game. But now you're just an old gimpy-ass has-been trying to tell me what to do. PEYTON'S RECORDING STUDIO The band is there, Jason arrives. HALEY : Jason, you can't keep doing this, man. JASON : Doing what? HALEY : Showing up late. Studio time costs money, and it's by the hour. JASON : So? It's not my money. HALEY : Okay. You're not gonna become a rock star by having a few decent melodies. You actually have to have hard work and dedication. JASON : Whatever. HALEY : All right. You know what? You can go. JASON : I can go? HALEY : Yes. I'm dismissing you from the band. You are not needed any longer. JASON : You're dismissing me from my own band? HALEY : Yes, only it's not your band anymore. I just kicked you out. JASON : We'll see about that. Later, Peyton and Haley are talking inside the booth PEYTON : You cannot kick him out of the band! He is the band! Haley, Brooke put up a lot of money for this, okay? I quit my job. I asked you to produce the band, not break them up, and without Jason, I have no band! HALEY : Just hear me out, because you said that there was something magical about their sound and you couldn't figure out what it was, right? It's Mia. PEYTON : Who? HALEY : Mia... she's the keyboard player. She's the magic, Peyton, and I'm telling you, her spark is getting squashed by this ass of a singer. JASON : I knew we shouldn't have signed with your crap label! HALEY : Peyton, I know how important this is to you. I promise you I am not wrong. PEYTON : Jason... you're fired. JASON : What the... Peyton and Haley come back into the recording room JASON : Stupid, stupid label. Can't win. You know what? You can come with me or stay and suck. Thanks, dog. That's what I thought. (The guys in the band follow Jason) JASON : Mia, let's go. HALEY : Mia, if you stay, you're gonna make a great record. I'll help you. JASON : Mia, now. MIA : I think I'm gonna stay. JASON : You're an idiot. MIA : Don't call me an idiot! And stop playing the ballads. Those are mine. JASON : You know what? You just made a big mistake. All of you. Later, bitches. (Jason leaves) HALEY : Everything's gonna be okay. I promise. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE AT NIGHT Lucas came to pick up Peyton for the store opening. They are on the terrace LUCAS : You look amazing. PEYTON : Okay. I'm sorry. Is this weird? Because it feels really weird. LUCAS : Okay. Look. We had a relationship. Okay? We can't pretend that we didn't. But... before that, we were really close friends. There's no reason we can't have that again. Right? PEYTON : Right. CLOTHES OVER BROS Lots of people arrive for the opening PEYTON : Brooke, how awesome is this? BROOKE : I know. I think that the whole town showed up. LUCAS : I can't blame them. There hasn't been a party here since... well, ever. Can't believe I got in looking like this. BROOKE : Oh, stop. Where's Lindsey? LUCAS : She's in New York. I came with Peyton. Haley is looking some clothes NATHAN : That is some dress. HALEY : I don't know. You don't think it's too sexy? It's not something a respectable wife or mother would wear. NATHAN : You should definitely get it. BROOKE : The dress is on me. HALEY : No. I can't let you do that. BROOKE : I can do anything I want. It's my party. Think of it as a present for taking such good care of my godson. Sorry I don't have anything for you, Nate. NATHAN : That's a present for me, too. Victoria is talking to Millicent VICTORIA : And these press kits look just... pathetic. Coming from you, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. (Victoria leaves, Mouth comes to comfort Millicent) MOUTH : Hey, don't let it get to you. I have a bitchy boss, too. On my first day at work, she told me she hated my face. MILLICENT : Victoria threw a snakeskin purse at me. MOUTH : Mine threw me against the wall. MILLICENT : You must hate her. MOUTH : Yeah, kind of. (Alice walks in with a guy) MOUTH : I have to go. Lucas walks by Victoria VICTORIA : Oh, I know you. You're one of my daughter's ill-chosen love interests. LUCAS : You must be very proud of Brooke. I can't believe all she's accomplished. VICTORIA : Yes, and her taste has greatly improved. Thank God. If you'll excuse me. (Victoria leaves, Peyton comes to see him) PEYTON : Oh, don't take it personally. LUCAS : She just... PEYTON : Verbally punched you in the goodies? Yeah. That's how she says hi. LUCAS : And I thought Brooke was being dramatic when she talked about her mom. PEYTON : Nope. All true. (Brooke arrives) BROOKE : Hey, P. Sawyer, I need you. (Brooke bring Peyton to the counter) PEYTON : What's up? BROOKE : I have a little something for you. It's a present to say thanks for helping me with everything. PEYTON : Brooke, I love it, but you do not have to do this. You've already done so much for me. BROOKE : So, how are things with Lucas? PEYTON : What do you mean? BROOKE : Peyton, you asked me to be honest with you about why I'm staying, and I need you to do the same with me, okay? PEYTON : Okay. BROOKE : Lucas seems really happy right now. And we like Lindsey, and... It's just not high school anymore. PEYTON : It's not about Lucas, okay? BROOKE : Okay. Good. 'Cause the cute bartender's been eyeing you all night. PEYTON : Oh.. Mouth is sitting alone, near the fitting room. Skills arrives SKILLS : Hey. Man, I've been looking everywhere for you. Your sexy boss lady is here. MOUTH : I know. I saw her... and her date. SKILLS : Man, don't feel bad about that. Cougars go after all kind of prey. You can't change that, that's like telling a rainbow not to be colorful. MOUTH : Yeah, well, I didn't sign up to be some meaningless plaything. I'm done with this. See ya. SKILLS : Mind if I call her? Peyton is talking with the bartender, Lucas arrives LUCAS : Ready to go? PEYTON : Actually, I think I'm gonna stay. So... good night. LUCAS (whispering to her) : He's not good enough for you. (Lucas leaves, Peyton follows him) Lucas and Peyton are outside the store PEYTON (yelling) : Don't do that! LUCAS : Do what? PEYTON : "He's not good enough for you"?! I don't want you saying things like that to me, Lucas! That's not fair to me! That's not fair to Lindsey, either! (Peyton goes back in the store) CLOTHES OVER BROS Everybody left. Only Brooke, Victoria and Millicent are still there VICTORIA : How does it feel? BROOKE : Oh, you know, before we opened, I could only think about the displays and the catering, and then the crowd came in, and I got to share what I do with the people I love, and it was...amazing. (Victoria brings to glass of champagne) VICTORIA : Well, here is to a job well done. BROOKE : Thank you. VICTORIA : So, how did the store do? BROOKE : Let's find out. (Brooke walks to the computer) BROOKE : Well? We sold a couple scarves, some handbags. VICTORIA : No gowns? A suit? Not even a dress? BROOKE : Well... VICTORIA : No. I don't think you sold one high-dollar piece all night. In fact, if you factor in the party expenses and all the pieces you gave away, I believe your store has run the biggest opening-day deficit in our company's history. At least it wasn't a complete disaster. VICTORIA (to Millicent) : Where is she? You! Whatever your name is, pack up the inventory and ship it to our Houston store. They're expecting it. BROOKE : They're expecting it? You knew this was gonna happen? VICTORIA : Darling, you've never had a head for business. That's why I've tried to protect you from it. High-end lines don't do well in sleepy little towns. Beautiful things die in Tree Hill. Why do you think we left? BROOKE : I don't believe this. VICTORIA : I know how much this meant to you. And if you had sold just one couture piece... I'd consider letting you keep the store. But you didn't. MILLICENT : Brooke? I'd like to buy this dress. BROOKE : No. It's too much. MILLICENT : I think it's worth every cent, and I want to pay for it. VICTORIA : Oh, my goodness. MILLICENT : I believe in you, Brooke. So you see, I'm not just buying a dress. What I'm buying is a whole lot more. VICTORIA : This changes nothing. (Victoria leaves) BROOKE : Our first real check. I'm gonna have to frame this. MILLICENT : But if you frame it, you can't cash... Oh, good, 'cause it definitely would have bounced. BROOKE : Thank you. PEYTON'S RECORDING STUDIO Mia is playing alone. Haley arrives and Mia stops playing HALEY : Sorry. Sounds great. You couldn't stay away either, huh? MIA : Honestly, I think I'm gonna throw up. What if I'm not worth it? HALEY : You are. I really believe that, but you've got to believe it, too, you know? MIA : Yeah. HALEY : Oh, don't worry. We'll face all of this... tomorrow. So, where's this song go after that? It goes back up to the "D." HALEY : What if you go to the "E"? It might give it a little diversity. MIA : Yeah. Yeah. Let me try that. INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Haley is playing piano NATHAN : Hey (Haley stops playing) HALEY : Hi NATHAN : When you get a chance, I'd love to see that dress on you. (Jamie arrives) HALEY : Hey JAMIE : Night, mama. HALEY : Oh, going to bed already? I haven't seen you all day. Oh, I miss you. Okay. Go upstairs. I'll be up in a minute, all right, bud? I just want to talk with Carrie. NATHAN : Oh, okay. Sure. All right, buddy. You ready to go to bed? All right. CARRIE : Is everything okay? HALEY : Actually, everything's great. I'm getting back into music, and Nathan's healing, Jamie's never been happier. And most importantly, I'm actually starting to feel like we're a family again. CARRIE : I'm glad to hear that. HALEY : You had a lot to do with it. So if I haven't said it a hundred times already, I just... thank you. MOUTH'S OFFICE Alice is in her office ALICE : What are you doing here? MOUTH : I saw you at the Clothes Over Bro's opening. Who's the guy? ALICE : My gosh. Are you jealous? My private life is my own business, but just so you know, he was completely boring. I'm here at work, aren't I? MOUTH : What are you working on? ALICE : I'm trying to find some new weekend segment reporters. I think I have some really good candidates. So let me ask you something. Your place or mine? INTERIOR BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Brooke is sitting in the kitchen, eating ice cream and crying. Peyton comes home PEYTON : Brooke, what's wrong? BROOKE : The store is a total failure. PEYTON : What are you talking about? BROOKE : I didn't sell one real piece tonight. Well... I sold a dress, but it was a pity purchase and it doesn't count. And the worst part is that Victoria saw this all coming. My mother's right... when I'm left up to my own devices, I'm a failure. PEYTON : No. Hey, listen to me. You were never a failure, okay? I mean, you won three cheerleading competitions, and what did Victoria have to say about that? Oh, wait. Nothing, 'cause she wasn't there. She also wasn't there when you won the miss June Bug title at the county fair or when you were elected student-body president. Brooke, if you're a failure, what does that make me? BROOKE : Pretty lame, I guess. BROOKE : Okay. I don't want to talk about my night anymore. Tell me about the dishy bartender. I wasn't really feeling it. LUCAS' BEDROOM Lucas is lying on his bed and call Lindsey LUCAS : Lindsey. Hi. I miss you. JAMIE'S BEDROOM Jamie is sleeping. Haley walks in and find a drawing which says "Me and nanny Carrie"

Peyton has her hands full with a musician who turns out to be problematic; Mouth's in a relationship with his boss Alice and dating her is how he's keeping his job. Brooke faces problems with her insane mother Victoria. Nathan helps Haley in helping Quentin.[9] This episode is named after a song by Bob Dylan .

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The Tomb of the Cybermen By Kit Pedler and Gerry Davis 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: MAIN CAVERN (The Cyber-Controller looks on impassively with a thin layer of frost on it's emotionless faceplate.) CONTROLLER: YOU BELONG TO US. YOU SHALL BE LIKE US. PARRY: How did you know that we would come to release you? You could have remained frozen forever! CONTROLLER: THE HUMAN MIND. YOU ARE INQUISITIVE. DOCTOR: Ah I see a trap! A very special sort of trap too. PARRY: What do you mean special trap? DOCTOR: Well don't you see, they only wanted superior intellects, that's why they made the trap so complicated! CONTROLLER: WE KNEW THAT SOMEBODY LIKE YOU WOULD COME TO OUR PLANET SOMEDAY. DOCTOR: Yes, and we've done exactly as you've calculated, haven't we? CONTROLLER: NOW YOU BELONG TO US. [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER (Kaftan is still unconscious, slumped at one of the seats of the Cybertable.) VICTORIA: Now quick, find the opening device. I don't know which it is! HOPPER: Now hold on. I'm not pulling any levers until I know what this is all about! CALLUM: I don't reckon we should have left the rocket captain. I can't see much wrong here. VICTORIA: Not much wrong? Are you blind the pair of you? What about this then? (She points to the closed hatch.) CALLUM: W... I can't see any change, Vic. VICTORIA: That's just it. They're down there now! CALLUM: Well then why close the hatch on them? (Unseen by anyone, Kaftan's eyes flicker and she awakens, but stays low and immobile listening to the conversation.) CALLUM: Doesn't make sense, Vic. VICTORIA: I didn't, and please stop calling me Vic. She closed the hatch. CALLUM: Oh did she now. VICTORIA: Now look, are you going to help me or not? They're probably freezing to death down there! If you're not going to help me, I'm going to pull every one of those levers on that board and see what happens! HOPPER: Ah now, I wouldn't do that Vic. Er, come on Jim, I think we'd better do as she says. CALLUM: Yeah. HOPPER: OK now, were you here when they opened it all up? VICTORIA: Yes! HOPPER: Well come on! You must have some idea! VICTORIA: I don't know, I wasn't looking! (She looks wretched.) VICTORIA: Oh I think it's one of those levers down there. (Callum turns and looks incredulously at Hopper.) CALLUM: She thinks! HOPPER: Oh! [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: MAIN CAVERN JAMIE: Could we not make a run for it Doctor? DOCTOR: No-no, we wouldn't even reach the ladder, it's too risky. PARRY: What can we do? DOCTOR: We'll play for time, wait our chance. Leave it to me. (The Doctor walks up to the Controller.) DOCTOR: Ahem... Excuse me. May I ask a question? Why did you submit yourself to freezing? (The Controller spins around and bears menacingly down on the Doctor.) DOCTOR: Er, you-you don't have to answer that if you don't want to... CONTROLLER: TO SURVIVE. OUR HISTORY COMPUTER HAS FULL DETAILS OF YOU. DOCTOR: Oh, how? CONTROLLER: WE KNOW OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE. DOCTOR: Oh, thank you very much... Ah yes, the lunar surface! CONTROLLER: OUR MACHINERY HAD STOPPED AND OUR SUPPLY OF REPLACEMENTS' BEEN DEPLETED. DOCTOR: So that's why you attacked the Moonbase! CONTROLLER: YOU HAD DESTROYED OUR FIRST PLANET AND WE WERE BECOMING EXTINCT. JAMIE: W-what use will capturing us make? You'll still become extinct. CONTROLLER: WE WILL SURVIVE. WE WILL SURVIVE. NOW YOU WILL HELP US. PARRY: What makes you think that we will help you? That murderer doesn't speak for us. CONTROLLER: YOU WILL BECOME THE FIRST OF A NEW RACE OF CYBERMEN. YOU WILL RETURN TO THE EARTH AND CONTROL IT. PARRY: Never! Never! CONTROLLER: EVERYTHING WE DESIGNED HAS BEEN CARRIED OUT. THERE WILL BE NO MISTAKES. JAMIE: A new race of Cybermen? But we're humans, we're not like you! CONTROLLER: YOU WILL BE. (The Controller turns in one mighty movement and strides off unconcerned about it's prisoners for the moment.) DOCTOR: Oh no-no keep away! Keep away, keep away from me! (There is a gaggle of frightened voices as the Cyberman drones move forward and take the prisoners by force. Jamie manages to escape in the throng of bodies and sprints off towards a side tunnel and runs left. A Cyberman follows him, walking with brisk deliberate movements and turns right. Jamie doubles back the way he came. Moments later the Cyberman follows him. Jamie rounds the corner of a pillar, seemingly unseen by the Cyberman and makes for the ladder, but halfway up he gets hit by a crackling blue arc of electricity. The Cyberman has anticipated where he would go, and stunned him from behind by discharging a little of it's power through it's three metal digits.) DOCTOR: Let me go of me! If you would let go I'd stand still! TOBERMAN: Please, please, please let me go! Let me go! (The Cyberman struggling with Toberman seems to be having trouble keeping a grip of him so it picks him bodily up and holds him in the air for a moment then throws him across the cavern into a stack of barrels.) DOCTOR: Oh if you would let go of me. I would be still! Please! You're breaking my arm! Oh! CONTROLLER: TO STRUGGLE IS FUTILE. [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER (Callum has taken apart a panel and is examining the wiring beneath.) HOPPER: You sure that's the one? CALLUM: Yeah. Yeah-yeah, it's the only one it could be. Yeah. It, er, leads up to that one there, yeah. (He points to a lever.) VICTORIA: Please hurry Captain Hopper! (Unseen, Kaftan moves around the Cybertable and picks up her fallen gun.) HOPPER: Keep back will ya? Leave this to me. Jim, stand by to power it up. Stand back will you, just in case you got the wrong one. (Kaftan jumps up and levels the gun again.) KAFTAN: Don't move! Raise your hands! (Wearily they turn and raise their hands.) HOPPER: Now look here lady... KAFTAN: I shall kill you! HOPPER: Well your own men are down there, what are you doing this for? KAFTAN: Move away from that control board! Over here. I shall open the hatch when Klieg gives the signal. HOPPER: Oh why close it in the first place? KAFTAN: Klieg must remain undisturbed. Your friends will not escape from there, and you will not interfere. (Victoria screams and Kaftan is off guard for a moment in which Hopper rushes forward grabbing the gun, then he hands it to Callum.) HOPPER: Watch her, if she moves, blast her. CALLUM: Right. HOPPER: Ah, ya scream real good Vic! Thanks a lot! VICTORIA: Please, the hatch! HOPPER: OK, we'll take a risk. Standby! (He pulls the lever and with a mechanical hum the hatch raises again.) VICTORIA: It's very quiet down there. HOPPER: Yeah, too quiet. VICTORIA: Something must have happened. HOPPER: How long've they been down there? VICTORIA: About an hour. HOPPER: That's too long, I'm going down. 'Ey Jim, what're those bombs loaded with? (He motions towards a small bag of that Callum has brought with him.) CALLUM: Ah, smoke. HOPPER: Great, give us a couple will you? CALLUM: Yeah, sure. HOPPER: Come on, come on! CALLUM: Yeah, yeah, yeah! HOPPER: Okay, here we go. VICTORIA: I'm coming too! HOPPER: Ah, later maybe, not this trip. VICTORIA: Who'd be a woman! HOPPER: Ah, how would you know honey? Ah, you'd better stay up here, we don't know what's going on down there. VICTORIA: Is he always like that? CALLUM: Ah, most of the time ah, Vic, yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: MAIN CAVERN (The expedition members are all sitting on the floor waiting as the Cybermen are conferring in a large circle. The drones all salute the Controller with their arms across their chests and move off. The Controller and a drone approach the group.) CONTROLLER: WE HAVE DECIDED HOW YOU WILL BE USED. KLIEG: Yes? (Klieg stands.) CONTROLLER: YOU ARE A LOGICIAN. OUR RACE IS ALSO LOGICAL. YOU WILL BE THE LEADER OF THE NEW RACE. KLIEG: You will listen to my proposals, then? CONTROLLER: YES, WE WILL LISTEN. BUT FIRST YOU WILL BE ALTERED. KLIEG: A-altered? CONTROLLER: YOU HAVE FEAR. WE WILL ELIMINATE FEAR FROM YOUR BRAIN. YES, YOU WILL BE THE FIRST. DRONE: AND YOU WILL BE THE NEXT. (It points to Parry.) PARRY: I? No, no! (He begins to struggle.) DRONE: YOU WILL BE LIKE US. (It grabs him in a vice-like grip and Parry screams) [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: ENTRANCE TO MAIN CAVERN (Hopper creeps about by the entrance, as yet unseen by anyone. He carefully pulls the pin from his smoke-bomb and frowns.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: MAIN CAVERN CONTROLLER: TO DIE IS UNNECESSARY. YOU WILL BE FROZEN AND PLACED IN OUR TOMBS UNTIL WE ARE READY TO USE YOU. YOUR LIVES WILL BE SUSPENDED. PREPARE THE TOMBS. PARRY: They really mean it, they're going to freeze us! JAMIE: Not me! DOCTOR: No Jamie, they're coming back! (Suddenly a number of small explosions go off inside the cavern. The Cybermen mill about looking confused as the weapons don't appear to be causing any damage at all. Slowly the chamber fills with smoke. Hopper runs through the doorway.) HOPPER: Come on you guys, run for it! JAMIE: lets get out of here! [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: ENTRANCE TO MAIN CAVERN (Parry is being helped along by Jamie, spluttering from the smoke. From where they are they could take one of a number of passages.) PARRY: J-Jamie. JAMIE: Talk later. DOCTOR: Is he alright? JAMIE: Aye, I think so. Which way is it from here? I can't remember. DOCTOR: That way. (He points.) JAMIE: Are you sure? DOCTOR: No I'm not sure, but just try it! I'll be with you in a minute. JAMIE: Alright. (Jamie and Parry run towards the righthand tunnel. The Doctor runs back the way he came. A few moments later Klieg runs the opposite way, he looks at the righthand tunnel but decides to take the lefthand tunnel instead, hoping it is the way out.) DOCTOR: This way! We've got to stop them! HOPPER: Block off the tunnel perhaps? DOCTOR: No-no we can't do that. The hatch, we must get there first! Come on! (They run off the way Jamie and Parry went.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: MAIN CAVERN (Toberman runs through the passages, straight into a group of three Cybermen who drag him struggling into the main chamber. A fourth Cyberman points a three digit hand at Toberman's face and discharges part of it's power though it's fingers, but he continues to struggle. The Cyberman looks momentarily confused, them vents another electrical arc at the man's face and he falls slack in the Cybermen's arms.) CONTOLLER: THIS HUMANOID IS POWERFUL. WE WILL USE HIM. PREPARE HIM. [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: ENTRANCE TO TUNNEL (Back by the ladder the group are all struggling to climb back up with numb hands after an hour in a deep freeze, all of them hacking and coughing on the smoke.) HOPPER: Hurry up can't ya? For Pete's sake get a move on! JAMIE: Oh my hands are freezing! HOPPER: Come on, come on get up! PARRY: I can't see through this smoke! [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER (Victoria peers down into the hatch.) VICTORIA: JAMIE! ...What's that smoke? JAMIE OOV: VICTORIA! (Jamie clears the hatch, then helps Parry who is looking extremely fatigued from the smoke and cold.) JAMIE: Come on Mr Parry. Come on - quick! You stand back. (Parry clears the hatch followed by Hopper.) HOPPER: The Cybermen! They're right behind us! [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: ENTRANCE TO TUNNEL (The Doctor sprints down the tunnel, his long black cloak billowing behind him, and heads for the ladder. As he begins to climb the bottom rungs, the form of a Cyberdrone bears down, but is just too late to grab him as he scurries upwards. Resolutely, the Cyberman follows him up the ladder always just a step away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER HOPPER: As soon as the Doctor's up, slam down the hatch! CALLUM: Okay! Standby! (He runs to the Panel. The Doctor's head peaks over the hatch, then he feels something tug him down.) DOCTOR: Oh! Argh! He's got my leg! Oh-oh! (Callum's hand hovers over the lever as Hopper and Jamie both attempt to wrestle the Doctor out.) JAMIE: Oh Doctor! come on! come on! DOCTOR: Oh! It's no use! JAMIE: Oh, get up! Pull! (The Cyberman manages to climb behind the Doctor, and bears down on him again from a precarious position on the ladder, burbling electronically. Victoria grabs a small thermos flask and beats at the Cyberman's left hand causing it to wobble slightly on the ladder and lose it's grip on the Doctor. It tries to get a better position. This is all the Doctor needs, and he slithers through the gap, but the Cyberman has now grabbed Victoria with both hands. It tries to pull her down the hatch instead of the Doctor.) HOPPER: Jim, close the hatch! JAMIE: Victoria! (Callum flips the lever and the hatch descends on the Cyberman who tries to keep it open with it's right arm, but fails. As the hatch descends lower it releases Victoria and attempts to brace the closing hatch with both of it's arms. For seconds it stands there glaring out into the main chamber burbling in a perturbed manner, Cybertechnology against Cyberman. Eventually the hatch wins and the Cyberman is slowly forced down into the icy abyss of the lower levels with a resounding thud.) JAMIE: Got it! DOCTOR: Oh! (The hatch moves from the impact of a might blow from beneath as the Cyberman tries to beat it's way through. It beats the Cyberhatch six more times, then gives up, moving off to contemplate the logic of double sided door handles.) VICTORIA: It was horrible! It was so strong! JAMIE: Aye, it's all right Victoria, You're all over now. PARRY: That was a near thing, is anyone missing? HOPPER: Yes! Klieg and Toberman, they're still down there! PARRY: Oh dear. [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: ENTRANCE TO TUNNEL (Klieg hides with his back up against a long pillar as the Cyberman descends the ladder and walks along the passageway. It meets the Controller and another drone.) CONTROLLER: THE HUMANOID HAS ESCAPED. DRONE: YES. CONTROLLER: GUARD THE PASSAGEWAY. DRONE: YES. (As they move off, Klieg climbs up the ladder and knocks softly two times hoping that the Kaftan in the central chamber will hear him without alerting the Cybermen. He chews his finger nervously and looks around, then knocks again a little louder.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER (Everyone hears the knocking coming from the hatch and Hopper leaps up.) PARRY: Don't open it, it may be the Cybermen! DOCTOR: No, no it's too soft. It must be Toberman and Klieg. HOPPER: Ah you're crazy! PARRY: You're right, we can't leave them down there, even if they are killers. JAMIE: Oh, they're probably both frozen solid by now. (There is another knocking from the hatch.) KAFTAN: You must let them up. They must be saved! DOCTOR: Yes, they're more dangerous down there than they are up here! HOPPER: What? Well, Okay Jim. CALLUM: Alright. HOPPER: Okay let her go! (By the control panel Callum pulls the lever and the hatch opens. The Doctor moves Kaftan to the side.) DOCTOR: Excuse me please. (Klieg scrambles out of the hatch coughing and shivering.) KLIEG: Close it! Close it - quick! (The Hatch thumps down after him.) KAFTAN: Eric, where is Toberman? KLIEG: They've got him! DOCTOR: You still think you can form an alliance with the Cybermen? KLIEG: If I'd only been in a stronger position to bargain with them! PARRY: You must be out of your mind, Klieg! HOPPER: You're not in any position to bargain with anybody right now. Well what are we going to do with him? PARRY: I'd feel much happier if he weren't left here. DOCTOR: Well what about the testing room? There's only one door, they can't get out. PARRY: That's a good idea, they'll be quite safe in there. HOPPER: Callum. CALLUM: Right. Mr Klieg, Miss Kaftan. (He ushers them into the next room with Kaftan's gun.) HOPPER: Now, if I don't get back to the rocket, we're not going to take off inside a week. PARRY: We'll, I'll come with you. HOPPER: I told you before, not till I'm operational again. I'll let you know when that is. (He turns to the Doctor who is whispering to Jamie.) HOPPER: I don't think we'll have any more trouble with your friends down there. DOCTOR: We shall see. [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: MAIN CAVERN (The Controller tests a lever on the control panel.) CONTROLLER: RELEASE THE CYBERMATS. WE WILL USE THE POWER OF CYBERNETICS. (Three drones go to the side of the main cavern and pull three full sized Cybermats out of alcoves. They present the cat-sized legless metal bugs to the controller who regally waves a hand.) CONTROLLER: ACTIVATE THEM. THE BRAIN OF THIS HUMANOID WILL BE THEIR TARGET. (Toberman is lying tied up on the floor. He looks fearfully at the Cybermen. The Controller and a drone approach the control panel.) CONTROLLER: NOW. (The three Cybermen place the Cybermats onto the ground as the drone at the panel operates a sequence of levers. The Cybermats remain immobile.) CONTROLLER: THESE CYBERMATS ARE DORMANT THROUGH LACK OF USE. INSPECT THEM. (The Cybermen pick up the Cybermats once more.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: WEAPONS ROOM (Kaftan is gazing up at the Cyberdummy and what it is holding, while Klieg tries to get to sleep huddle in a corner of the room. As Kaftan reaches out towards the replica, the cup of coffee she is holding slips from her grasp and clatters to the floor making Klieg jump. Kaftan is shaken from her thoughts for a moment, but stiffens again with grim determination.) KLIEG: Huh? What's that? KAFTAN: Just me. KLIEG: Oh be quiet. KAFTAN: Sleep later - look at this. KLIEG: Oh what is it? KAFTAN: One of the weapons they were testing. Look, here's the connection. (Klieg examines it.) KLIEG: Let me see. Oh yes, you're right it's a Cybergun. Er, take a look at that control, see that everything is turned off. KAFTAN: All the sequences show negative. KLIEG: Now they will have to listen! (Klieg sets to work on the gun with a pair of wire cutters.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18, INT: MAIN CAVERN DRONE: THE CYBERMATS ARE READY. STAND CLEAR. (The controller turns and strides across out of the path of the Cybermats to observe Toberman's reactions. CONTROLLER: NOW. (The drone pulls a lever, and the Cybermats begin to emit an electronic bleeping noise. They slither towards one another until they are parallel, and advance on the form of Toberman who is watching paralysed with fear.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: WEAPONS ROOM (Klieg holds the Cybergun triumphantly in his hand, then spins around and fires at a section of wall. There is a "woompf" and a circular hole appears in the wall in a burst of smoke and flame. Klieg examines the still burning wall delightedly.) KLIEG: Excellent! A small X-Ray laser! KAFTAN: What are you going to do now? KLIEG: Take command of course! What do you think? With this I shall be able to deal with those people in there. KAFTAN: Nevermind about them, the important thing for us is to control the Cybermen. KLIEG: Yes, I know but... KAFTAN: Isn't it, Eric? KLIEG: You haven't been down there, you haven't seen those vile things! KAFTAN: You're not scared are you? KLIEG: I have completely underestimated their power. KAFTAN: But this time we have the power, at least you do. (Klieg looks confused.) KAFTAN: The gun, Eric, the gun! You have the Cybermen's own weapon, this laser to turn against them. Now they will have to obey! If they refuse we shall destroy the opening device and seal them up in their tomb forever. Now do you understand? KLIEG: Yes! Yes, you are right. I am invulnerable with this. I shall be master. KAFTAN: Come, let us deal with these people first. (Klieg is still standing dreaming of glory.) KAFTAN: Eric! KLIEG: Master - the supreme moment in my life. It was logical. KAFTAN: Eric, we have work to do! KLIEG: Yes-yes, of course, but hardly work, more a pleasure. (Kaftan looks worried.) KAFTAN: What? KLIEG: The pleasure to get this on that Doctor and his companions. The others are of no consequence, but he will make a most precise target. (Klieg leaves and Kaftan looks on in thought.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20, INT: MAIN CAVERN (A Cybermat gradually wobbles towards Toberman.) CONTROLLER: ENOUGH. THESE HUMANS ARE NOT LIKE US, THEY STILL HAVE FEAR. PLACE THE CYBERMATS ON THE RUNWAY. (The drones place the Cybermats onto little customised ramps in the walls, as they do, the bleeping changes in pitch.) CONTROLLER: CYBERMATS WILL ATTACK. (The Cybermats slither up the ramps.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER (It is the middle of the night, and the expedition is sleeping. Callum is on one side of the hatch, Parry is draped across the steps to the hatch, and Jamie is asleep at the Cybertable. Victoria is sitting on the table itself very much awake, and the Doctor appears to be dozing, leaning against the control panel, hugging a long pipe that is trailing from within it. He rubs his face, yawns loudly, then puts his hands up and Victoria spins around levelling Kaftan's gun in his direction.) DOCTOR: Oi, I'm on your side - remember? Hey, why didn't you wake me? I should have been on watch half an hour ago! VICTORIA: I thought you should rest. DOCTOR: Why me? VICTORIA: No reason really. DOCTOR: Oh I think I know, is it because I'm... VICTORIA: Well, if you are 450 years old you'll need a great deal of sleep! DOCTOR: Well that's very considerate of you Victoria, but um, between you and me, I'm-I'm really quite lively actually ah, all things being considered. (He pauses for a beat.) DOCTOR: Are you happy with us Victoria? VICTORIA: Yes I am. ...At least, I would be if my father were here. DOCTOR: Yes, I know, I know. VICTORIA: I wonder what he would have thought if he could see me now. DOCTOR: You miss him very much don't you? VICTORIA: It's only when I close my eyes. I can still see him standing there - before those horrible Dalek creatures came to the house. He was a very kind man, I shall never forget him. Never. DOCTOR: No of course you won't. But, you know, the memory of him won't always be a sad one. VICTORIA: I think it will. You can't understand, being so ancient. DOCTOR: Eh?! VICTORIA: I mean, so old. DOCTOR: Oh. VICTORIA: You probably can't remember your family. DOCTOR: Oh yes I can when I want to. And that's just the point really. I have to really want to, to bring them back in front of my eyes. The rest of the time they-they sleep in my mind, and I forget. And so will you. (Victoria looks unsure.) DOCTOR: Oh yes you will. You'll find that there's so much else to think about. So remember; our lives are different to anybody else's, that's the exciting thing. There's nobody in the universe can do what we're doing. Hmm. You must get some sleep and let this "poor old man" stay awake. (The Doctor undoes his black cloak at the neck. From a concealed vent, the first Cybermat slinks around a corner searching for a victim. It spots the prime target from it's historical database and homes in. The Doctor examines where Victoria has chosen to sleep, at the foot of the table. He gently places his cloak over her, then walks, gun in hand, over to the other side of the Cybertable and sits down. Bleeping it's merry tune, the Cybermat scuttles across the floor towards the Doctor. As it advances it revolves through all of it's stored human brainwave frequencies in an attempt to find the one that will render the Doctor unconscious from a distance. Unable to find the correct one, it opts for a manual nervous interface, and moves into position by the Doctor's shoe, and prepares to chew through. The Doctor feels something gently touch his shoe and jumps up in an instant.) DOCTOR: Jamie, Victoria, Callum, wake up, wake up! (They blearily respond.) JAMIE: Mmmm... VICTORIA: What is it? (A second Cybermat appears and slithers towards the sleeping form of Callum. It receives information from the first, makes a cursory analysis, and finds his human brainwaves a little easier to manipulate. It leaps onto his chest. With it's metal tail flicking back and forth it moves upwards towards his head, electronic mandibles gnashing evilly.) DOCTOR: Callum, Callum! (The Doctor approaches Callum who is still half asleep and dazed from the Cybermat's signal.) VICTORIA: It's one of those terrible things again! DOCTOR: Don't move Callum, don't move! (The Doctor slowly reaches down, and with one swift movement bats the Cybermat away sending it flying through the air. He pulls Callum to his feet and his head instantly begins to clear. The Cybermat lands on it's side in a corner of the room. It flicks it's tail in an attempt to right itself, but fails, then tries again and succeeds.) DOCTOR: Now get back to the controls all of you! Steady, don't make any sudden movements. (He tiptoes towards Parry who is still asleep on the steps.) DOCTOR: Parry, Parry, wake up Parry, wake up. PARRY: Wha? (Slowly he Gets up, then as his head clears he stiffens at the sight of the approaching Cybermats.) DOCTOR: Wake up, don't panic. Come back with us, steady. Now we'll all go in the other room and lock them out! (They turn in the direction of the power room, but see the first Cybermat snaking around the Cybertable in that direction. Victoria screams.) CALLUM: Let's... get out of here! T-the main doors! No look! (They see the third Cybermat cutting off their final avenue of escape.) VICTORIA: Oh Doctor We're trapped! DOCTOR: Back against the controls, everybody! (The Cybermats pause briefly, exchanging information between themselves. A second wave appears joining the first, and they all slowly advance on the party, crushing them in a pincer movement. The Doctor Spots the length of pipe that is trailing from the side of the control panel. He yanks out one end, and trails in a protective circle around the immediate area of the panel.) DOCTOR: Here, give me a hand, quick! PARRY: Wha-what? DOCTOR: Lay this down on the ground. Come on! JAMIE: They'll go over it Doctor! (The Doctor ignores him and continues to lay the pipe.) DOCTOR: Come on! (He plugs the trailing end into the other side of the panel.) CALLUM: Let's blast the filthy things! (He shoots three times and a Cybermat rolls over pouring with smoke, it's precisely modulated signal tailing off.) DOCTOR: You're wasting your time, there are too many of them! Now do what I say, come back! (He pulls a lever and there is a low hum from the panel as the metallic pipe becomes electrified. The pipe begins to smoke under an intense load it was not designed to carry.) DOCTOR: There you are, you see! (The Cybermats whirl around in a confused state, the electrical interference from the pipe overloading their delicately adjusted neuro-electric pathways. They begin to get trapped in a logic error, with their targets in sight, but unable to detect them. Finally, unable to abandon their hopeless task, they roll over, their signals getting lower and lower like records being played at the wrong speed until they finally die altogether, belching thick black smoke.) PARRY: What are those creatures? DOCTOR: Well, they're a form of-of metallic life. They home on human brainwaves and attack. VICTORIA: Urgh! Are they safe now? (All around lie dozens of dead Cybermats all gently smoking.) DOCTOR: Oh yes, quite safe now. The er, power cable generated an electrical field and confused their tiny metal minds. You might almost say that they've had a complete metal breakdown. (Jamie grimaces.) JAMIE: Ooh! DOCTOR: I'm so sorry Jamie. (He smiles.) VICTORIA: What about Klieg and Kaftan? They probably attacked them as well! PARRY: The testing room! DOCTOR: Come on. Now mind your feet. (They all hop over the dead Cybermats and move towards the weapons room, but as they do so they meet Klieg and Kaftan in the doorway.) PARRY: Oh! KLIEG: Most ingenious Doctor. Now, let's see what you can do against this! (He raises the Cybergun and aims) CALLUM OOV: Watch out Doctor! (The gun fires with a "whoosh" and a crackle of residual energy.)

The Cybermen have been revived and plan to convert the archeologists into their own kind, prompting Hopper to attempt a rescue.

fd_FRIENDS_01x03

fd_FRIENDS_01x03_0

Originally written by Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz. Transcribed by guineapig. PRE-INTRO SCENE: CENTRAL PERK PHOEBE: (ENTERING) Hi guys! ALL: Hey, Pheebs! Hi! ROSS: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go? PHOEBE: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!' ALL: Ohh. Ouch. RACHEL: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right? MONICA: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'. RACHEL: Since when? JOEY: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'. CHANDLER: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'. PHOEBE: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'. RACHEL: And everybody knows this? JOEY: Yeah. Cushions the blow. CHANDLER: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. ROSS: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm. MONICA: Uh, Ross. ROSS: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi! (INTRO) SCENE 1: CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. (JOEY IS REHEARSING A PART; CHANDLER READS THE OTHER PART FROM A SCRIPT) CHANDLER: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?" JOEY: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die." CHANDLER: Hey, that was really good! JOEY: Thanks! Let's keep going. CHANDLER: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?" JOEY: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke." CHANDLER: "Smoke away." (JOEY TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AND A LIGHTER. HE FUMBLES AND DROPS THE LIGHTER. THEN HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A DRAG AND COUGHS) CHANDLER: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone. JOEY: What? CHANDLER: Relax your hand! (JOEY LETS HIS WRIST GO LIMP) CHANDLER: Not so much! JOEY: Whoah! CHANDLER: Hey! JOEY: Hey! CHANDLER: Alright, now try taking a puff. (JOEY TRIES AND VISIBLY WINCES) CHANDLER: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me. JOEY: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette. CHANDLER: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here. (JOEY RELUCTANTLY GIVES HIM THE CIGARETTE) CHANDLER: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete. JOEY: Y'miss it? CHANDLER: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (TAKES A PUFF) Oh.. my.. God. (CONTINUES TO SMOKE) SCENE 2: CENTRAL PERK(ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL AND PHOEBE) MONICA: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger. (THE GUYS STRETCH OUT THEIR FINGERS) JOEY: That's ridiculous! ROSS: Can I use.. either thumb? RACHEL: (BRINGING DRINKS) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (HANDING THEM OUT) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this! ALL: Yeah. Yeah, excellent. RACHEL: (LEAVING TO SERVE OTHERS) Good for me! (THE GANG SWAP ROUND ALL THE DRINKS) (ENTER PHOEBE, MUTTERING. SHE SITS DOWN WITHOUT SAYING HI) JOEY: Y'okay, Phoebe? PHOEBE: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank. MONICA: What did they do to you? PHOEBE: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT- ROSS: Easy. PHOEBE: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account. CHANDLER: Oh, Satan's minions at work again... PHOEBE: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them. JOEY: What are you talking about? Keep it! PHOEBE: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing. RACHEL: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! PHOEBE: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'... MONICA: We're with you. We got it. (CHANDLER LEANS OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH, OUT OF SIGHT) PHOEBE: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt. RACHEL: Chandler, what are you doing? MONICA: (PULLING HIM UP) Hey. Whaddya doing? (CHANDLER TRIES TO SHRUG NONCHALANTLY BUT EVENTUALLY HE HAS TO EXHALE A MOUTHFUL OF SMOKE) ALL: Oh! Oh, God! ROSS: What is this?! CHANDLER: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking. PHOEBE: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years! CHANDLER: And this- is my reward! ROSS: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. CHANDLER: Okay, so this time I won't quit! ALL: Ohhh! Put it out! CHANDLER: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (HE DROPS IT IN PHOEBE'S COFFEE) PHOEBE: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now! MONICA: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date. RACHEL: This Alan again? How's it goin'? MONICA: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun. JOEY: So when do we get to meet the guy? MONICA: Let's see, today's Monday... Never. ALL: Oh, come on! Come on! MONICA: No. Not after what happened with Steve. CHANDLER: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry. MONICA: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out. RACHEL: Well, then can we meet him? MONICA: Nope. Schhorry. SCENE 3: IRIDIUM (MONICA AND PAULA ARE AT WORK) MONICA: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd. PAULA: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you. MONICA: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked. PAULA: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.. (CUT TO RACHEL+MONICA'S APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS SMOKING ON THE BALCONY, PHOEBE IS ABSENT) JOEY: Let it go, Ross. ROSS: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi. MONICA: Do you all promise? ALL: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good! MONICA: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler? Do you promise to be good? (CHANDLER MAKES A 'CROSS MY HEART' SIGN. IT STARTS TO RAIN AND CHANDLER TAPS ON THE WINDOW) JOEY: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside! (CHANDLER SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID AND SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT) (ENTER PHOEBE. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH, SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI) ROSS: Hey, Pheebs. PHOEBE: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone! RACHEL: What bank is this? (DOOR BUZZER) MONICA: Hey. It's him. (TO INTERCOM) Who is it? ALAN (INTERCOM): It's Alan. JOEY: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler! He's here! (CHANDLER COMES IN, DRIPPING WET) MONICA: (TO ALL) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me. (OPENS THE DOOR- ENTER ALAN) MONICA: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan. ALAN: Hi. ALL: Hi, Alan. ALAN: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh! (GENERAL HYSTERIA) SCENE 4: RACHEL+ MONICA'S (LATER IN THE EVENING) MONICA: (AT THE DOOR, TO ALAN, WHO IS LEAVING) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (TO ALL) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm? (SILENCE) MONICA: C'mon! ROSS: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him. ALL: Loved him! Yeah! He's great! MONICA: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with? ALL: Yeah! RACHEL: And did you notice...? (SPREADS HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER) THE GUYS: (RELUCTANTLY) Yeah. JOEY: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked. PHOEBE: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe! ROSS: ...What shoe? PHOEBE: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...' (DUBIOUS PAUSE) ROSS: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured. RACHEL: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it. MONICA: Really! CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (DOES IT) ROSS: You know what I like most about him, though? ALL: What? ROSS: The way he makes me feel about myself. ALL: Yeah... (AD BREAK) SCENE 5: CENTRAL PERK(MONICA ALONE. ENTER ROSS, RACHEL, CHANDLER AND JOEY, DEJECTEDLY, IN SOFTBALL GEAR) MONICA: Hi.. how was the game? ROSS: Well.. ALL: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes! MONICA: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible? JOEY: Alan. ROSS: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-... RACHEL: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team. CHANDLER: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball.. MONICA: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes.. ROSS: What? MONICA: ..I dunno, a little too Alan? RACHEL: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan. ROSS: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore. CHANDLER: I personally could have a gallon of Alan. (CUT TO A STREET WHERE LIZZIE IS RESTING. PHOEBE WALKS UP TO HER) PHOEBE: Hey, Lizzie. LIZZIE: Hey, Weird Girl. PHOEBE: I brought you alphabet soup. LIZZIE: Did you pick out the vowels? PHOEBE: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) LIZZIE: Saltines? PHOEBE: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone? LIZZIE: What? (OPENS THE ENVELOPE PHOEBE HAS GIVEN HER) Oh my God, there's really money in here. PHOEBE: I know. LIZZIE: Weird Girl, what are you doing? PHOEBE: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it. LIZZIE: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something. PHOEBE: Oh, that's fine, no. LIZZIE: Would you like my tin-foil hat? PHOEBE: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks. LIZZIE: Please, let me do something. PHOEBE: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay? LIZZIE: Okay. PHOEBE: Okay. (CUT TO CHANDLER'S OFFICE BLOCK) (CHANDLER LOOKS ROUND, THEN OPENS HIS DESK DRAWER AND TAKES A PUFF OF A CIGARETTE. THEN HE SPRAYS AROUND SOME AIR FRESHENER AND TAKES SOME BREATH SPRAY. HE TYPES FOR A MOMENT. THEN HE OPENS THE DRAWER AGAIN AND TAKES ANOTHER PUFF. NOT PAYING ATTENTION, HE SPRAYS THE BREATH SPRAY AROUND THE ROOM, TAKES A SQUIRT OF AIR FRESHENER AND GAGS) (CUT TO PHOEBE AND LIZZIE AT A SODA STAND) LIZZIE: Keep the change. (TO PHOEBE) Sure you don't wanna pretzel? PHOEBE: No, I'm fine. LIZZIE: (LEAVING) See ya. (PHOEBE OPENS THE CAN AND REACTS) PHOEBE: Huh! (CUT TO CENTRAL PERK) ROSS: A thumb?! (PHOEBE NODS) ALL: Eww! PHOEBE: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker! CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five? PHOEBE: Does, um, anyone wanna see? ALL: Nooo! (CHANDLER LIGHTS A CIGARETTE) ALL: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out! RACHEL: It's worse than the thumb! CHANDLER: Hey, this is so unfair! MONICA: Oh, why is it unfair? CHANDLER: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this? (UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE) JOEY: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? RACHEL: Well, I-I could live without it. JOEY: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? (PHOEBE SPITS OUT HER HAIR) ROSS: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing. JOEY: Oh, (IMITATING ROSS) "you do, do you"? (MONICA LAUGHS AND SNORTS) ROSS: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly. RACHEL: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work. PHOEBE: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered. RACHEL: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on. (THEY DEGENERATE INTO BICKERING AND CHANDLER HAPPILY STARTS TO SMOKE, UNDISTURBED.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 6: IRIDIUM (AGAIN, MONICA AND PAULA AT WORK) MONICA: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like? PAULA: No. MONICA: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like. PAULA: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through! MONICA: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing. PAULA: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him! MONICA: I know.. it's gonna be really hard. PAULA: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it. MONICA: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about. (CUT TO CENTRAL PERK, WHERE JOEY AND ROSS ARE PERSECUTING CHANDLER) JOEY: Do you have any respect for your body? ROSS: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself? CHANDLER: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it. RACHEL: (WITH PHONE) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you. CHANDLER: Really? He does? (TAKES PHONE) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (HANDS BACK THE PHONE AND STUBS OUT HIS CIGARETTE) RACHEL: (TO ROSS, WHO HAS WANDERED UP) God, he's good. ROSS: If only he were a woman. RACHEL: Yeah. (THEY GIVE EACH OTHER A DUBIOUS LOOK) (CUT TO THE GANG MINUS MONICA AND JOEY WATCHING LAMBCHOP AT RACHEL+ MONICA'S) CHANDLER: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too. ROSS: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (DOES SO) (ENTER MONICA) MONICA: Hey. Where's Joey? CHANDLER: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong? RACHEL: I think he's across the hall. MONICA: Thanks. (GOES TO FETCH HIM) ROSS: (FINISHES CHANGING CHANDLER'S NICOTINE PATCH) There y'go. CHANDLER: (DEADPAN) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now. ROSS: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs? PHOEBE: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart? ROSS: Hey, I might! PHOEBE: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb. ALL: You're kidding. Oh my God. PHOEBE: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?! JOEY: (DRAGGED IN BY MONICA. HE HAS JUST COME OUT OF THE SHOWER) What's going on? MONICA: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together. JOEY: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.. RACHEL: Uh, Joey.. JOEY: Oh, God! (HURRIEDLY CLOSES HIS KNEES) MONICA: (TURNS OFF TV) Okay.. ALL: Oh! That was Lambchop! MONICA: Please, guys, we have to talk. PHOEBE: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not. MONICA: Alright, we have to talk. PHOEBE: There it is! MONICA: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan. (THEY ALL GASP AND CLUTCH EACH OTHER) ROSS: Is there somebody else? MONICA: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change. RACHEL: We didn't change.. JOEY: So that's it? It's over? Just like that? PHOEBE: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (CHEWS HER HAIR) MONICA: Look, I- I could go on pretending- JOEY: Okay! MONICA: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you! ROSS: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were. MONICA: I'm sorry.. CHANDLER: (SARCASTIC) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better! RACHEL: (TEARFUL) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family- MONICA: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans. ALL: Oh, yeah! Right! MONICA: Are you guys gonna be okay? ROSS: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time. MONICA: (DUBIOUS) I understand. (CUT TO MONICA TELLING ALAN IN A RESTAURANT) ALAN: Wow. MONICA: I'm, I'm really sorry. ALAN: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved. MONICA: Relieved? ALAN: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends. (CLOSING CREDITS) CREDITS SCENE: RACHEL + MONICA'S (THE GANG ARE MOPING AROUND, EATING ICE CREAM) RACHEL: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun. ROSS: Yeah. He could row like a viking. (ENTER MONICA) MONICA: Hi. ALL: Mmm. ROSS: So how'd it go? MONICA: Oh, y'know.. PHOEBE: Did he mention us? MONICA: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (DUBIOUS LOOK) ROSS: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. (SHE SITS DOWN AND ROSS STROKES HER FOREHEAD) CHANDLER: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes. ALL: No no no! CHANDLER: (LEAVING) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke! PHOEBE: (SHOUTS AS HE LEAVES) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars! CHANDLER: (REENTERING) Yeah, alright.

Monica is dismayed that everyone likes her new boyfriend, Alan, more than she does. Chandler starts smoking again. When the gang complains, he diverts the attention onto their own flaws. Phoebe's bank accidentally deposits a large sum into her bank account. When she reports the error, the bank gives her an additional amount. She gives the money to her homeless friend, who buys her a can of soda in return, only to find a severed thumb inside it. Phoebe uses the money the soda company compensated her to pay Chandler to quit smoking.

fd_True_Blood_01x05

fd_True_Blood_01x05_0

SCENE 1: The Stackhouse front door. Strange music plays. The camera pulls out to reveal Bill's BMW pulling up to the door, and the strange music is coming from Bill's car stereo. Bill and Sookie are inside the car, returning from Fangtasia. Bill turns off the car's headlights and engine. They remain in the car. Bill: We've had a difficult relationship with law enforcement for many years. The man provoked me. I coulda done much worse. Sookie: I'm sure you could have. And if I wasn't there watchin', you prob'ly would have killed that man. Bill: Hardly. Sookie: Would you have bit him? (Bill stares at Sookie.) Sookie: You see? That's just crazy! You would have fed on him and tossed him aside like an old chicken bone! And don't tell me "that's what vampires do"! (Sookie starts to get out of the car. By the time she finds the door handle, Bill is already outside the car, opening the car door for her.) Bill: I'm doin' my best to mainstream... (Sookie gets out of Bill's car.) Sookie: Suckin' the blood from a police officer is not mainstreaming. (Bill closes the car door.) Sookie: Neither is hosting orgies or listening to crazy Chinese gargling. Bill: It's Tuvan throat singin'. Sookie: Whatever. Tuvan? I don't even know where that is! (Sookie turns and starts to walk away.) Bill: Sookie? You cannot be frightened of everythin' you don't know in this world. Sookie: Well my world's openin' up mighty fast! And what I got here may be boring, but it's safe! And after the past couple of nights, safe sounds good about now. (Bill starts to walk to the door with Sookie.) Sookie: No...thank you. I can get this door myself. (Sookie walks up the stairs of the porch.) Bill: I won't call on you again. (Sookie fishes the house key from her purse and opens the screen door as Bill turns and walks to his car. A dog is in the bushes nearby.) Cut to opening credits to the tune of "Bad Things" by Jace Everett SCENE 2: Lafayette's apartment. Someone is knocking impatiently on a door. Lafayette, dressed in a gold robe and a black babushka, turns on the lights, grabs an aluminum baseball bat, peers through the mini-blinds covering the window of his front door, and unlocks and opens the door. Tara storms inside. Lafayette (whispered): Aw, gee... (Tara picks up three items from Lafayette's mantle and throws them at him.) Tara: Stupid! <snip>! Bitch! (Lafayette swings the bat at the last item, a Troll doll with bright green hair, and hits it with the bat.) Lafayette: Bring it on, hooka! I was All-Parish in high school. Tara: Boy, I knew there was some stupid genes in our family, but you musta gotten 'em all! When did you start dealin' V? Lafayette: You want some? You can use it. Tara: Oh, you makin' jokes about it? You gonna get your ass killed, you dumb <snip>! (Lafayette puts down the baseball bat.) Lafayette: Is this because I'm sellin' V, or 'cause I sold it to your sweet Jason Stackhouse? (Lafayette sits down in a chair.) Tara: Givin' vampire blood to Jason Stackhouse is like givin' Ho-Ho's to a diabetic! You know he can't control himself! Lafayette: I was very clear on how to use it. It ain't my fault he ain't listen. Tara: I had to take him to the E.R.! They drained his pen1s with a needle the size of an ice pick! Twice! It was the most disturbing <snip> I've ever seen in my entire life. And I've seen some pretty disturbin' <snip>! Lafayette: OK. Tara: He suffered Lafayette... Lafayette: OK. Tara: ...bad! Lafayette: OK, OK! I'm sorry. I...I go and check in on him in the mornin'. And I know he mean a lot to you and everything, but how is comin' up in my joint at three A.M., throwin' my <snip> around gonna make anything better? (Tara picks up two red objects from the mantle and throws them at Lafayette. One of them breaks.) Tara: It makes me feel better! Lafayette: Oh! Hooker...! (Lafayette lights a cigarette.) SCENE 3: The next morning, at the Stackhouse home. Gran is frying eggs and listening to an irate female caller on a cordless telephone. Irate Female Caller (off-camera): Shame on you, Adele Stackhouse! Shame on you! Gran: Who is this? Irate Female Caller (off-camera): A vam-purr is a perversion of humanity. And you, vamp-urr lover, are pollutin' our community by bringin' one into the open! Gran: I suggest that you hear what he has to say before you take to lynchin' him. Irate Female Caller (off-camera): Well, I don't care what sort of wretches you keep in your own home, but when you bring freaks and abominations into our churches... (Sookie enters the kitchen, dressed in a short purple nightshirt, with her hair in a ponytail.) Irate Female Caller (off-camera): ...in front of our children, you will have... Gran (looking at Sookie): Well...I will be at the church early... (Sookie sits down at the breakfast table. In front of her are a plate with a sausage patty, and a carafe of orange juice.) Gran: ...if you would like to like to stop by and say hi. Mr. Compton's talk starts at eight. Irate Female Caller (off-camera): You will go to hell for this! Gran: All right! Same to you! Bye now! (Gran hangs up the phone.) Sookie: Phone's been ringin' early today. Gran: Oh. Oh! (Sookie sips some orange juice as Gran takes the pan of eggs to the table.) Gran: Everyone is excited about meetin' the town vampire tonight. (She smiles at Sookie as she serves the eggs.) Gran: I didn't hear ya come in last night. Sookie: You went to bed early. You didn't wanna hear me come in. Gran: Well... (Gran chuckles and returns to the stove.) Gran: I just thought I'd give you two a little privacy, is all. Sookie: Am I really that much of a lost cause that you gotta pin all your hopes for me on a vampire? (Gran returns to the table with the phone in her hand and sits down.) Gran: But he really seems like a very nice man. Sookie: Well, he's not. Gran: He's not nice? Sookie: Or a man. Gran: Oh, goodness! Did you two have a fight? Sookie: No. Kinda. I don't think Bill and I have very much in common. He doesn't think like we do, he doesn't the way we do, if he...feels at all. (Sookie pierces a piece of sausage and eats it.) Gran: Well, I know that, if I had a chance to know somebody who'd experienced the world differently, I'd see it as a blessing and not somethin' to be scared of. Or hate. (Gran is holding the phone up to her chest. It rings.) Sookie (shaking her head): I don't hate him. I just don't want to be his girlfriend. (The phone continues ringing.) Sookie: Uh...the phone's ringin'. Gran: Umm...machine'll pick it up. (Gran smiles broadly at Sookie.) SCENE 4: Jason's kitchen. The pointed end of a meat thermometer is being speared into the large end of a carrot as Lafayette watches. The thermometer is shoved all the way in to the carrot. Lafayette: Damn! (Lafayette, wearing a black tank top and gold turban, is seated at Jason's breakfast bar. Jason is standing.) Jason: Yeah. Just like that. And no an-er-stay-sher, either! First, I get hauled in by the cops. Then... (Jason holds up the impaled carrot.) Jason: ...I gotta let a dude drain my <snip>. That's the <snip> of the day! Lafayette: Sounds like it. (Lafayette pours himself a cup of coffee.) Lafayette: Jason, you ain't tell nobody where you get the V at, did you? Jason: Do I look stupid? (Lafayette cocks his head as he sips the coffee.) Jason: I didn't even let on I was takin' anythin'. You're my dog. Lafayette: Well, I love you right back. Jason: But listen: You gotta stop sellin' V, man! That <snip> people up. I mean, <snip>, now Sheriff Dearborne thinks I'm some kind of s*x maniac... (Jason goes to the refrigerator and opens it.) Jason: ... and hell if I know if I'll ever, ever be able to look Tara in the face again. (Jason bends over, looks for something in the refrigerator.) Lafayette: Well, she'll get over it. The girl's been lost in love wit'choo... (Lafayette sniffs a pint-sized carton of coffee creamer, and pours some into his coffee.) Lafayette: ...since she was 8. (Jason looks up from the refrigerator in disbelief.) Jason: No <snip>? Lafayette: No <snip>. Jason: Oh, man. That's even worse! I had no idea! (Jason shuts the refrigerator door.) Jason: My life sucks so much ass. And it's all because of your <snip> V. Lafayette: Listen, don't blame the Ferrari just 'cause your ass can't drive. You're gonna have to learn how to ride the high, boyfriend. Jason: <snip> that, I am done with V. Go <snip> some other people up with that <snip>. You broke me. Lafayette: No, man. If you can learn to control it, V will open up your mind to everything you missin' around you. That's what's gonna snap you out of all this <snip>. (Jason walks up to the table, his arms folded.) Jason: More V? Lafayette: If done right. I got some in my car... (Lafayette sips his coffee.) Lafayette: ...if you want me to show you. (Jason stares at Lafayette, then looks down at the floor. Then, in Jason's living room, on top of a round glass-top table, we see four small squares that look as if they were cut from a paper towel. The room is fairly dark, save for some sunlight coming in through a window. Lafayette places a cigarette case and a green and white plastic 6-pack cooler on the table. Lafayette is kneeling on the opposite side of the table from Jason.) Lafayette: Now, I ain't showin' you no whole vial till you learn how to use this <snip> right. You get me? (Jason is sitting on the sofa, cuddling a throw pillow, staring at Lafayette. He gestures acknowledgment with his left hand, still staring at Lafayette. Lafayette raises himself, still kneeling on the floor.) Lafayette: This... (Lafayette holds up a vial of red liquid.) Lafayette: ...is the life force of a vampire. They're just blood in a skin casing. (Lafayette puts the cooler on the floor.) Lafayette: Ain't a whole lot different between a vampire and a boudin sausage except... (Lafayette sticks an eyedropper into the vial and extracts some of the V, tapping the dropper on the vial two times.) Lafayette: ...for the blood. Our blood sustains life, this blood... (Lafayette waves the eyedropper under his nose, sniffing it.) Lafayette: ...is life. One drop... (Lafayette places one drop of V on one of the paper squares.) Lafayette: ...that's all you need. Can't be greedy. (Lafayette places one drop on each of the remaining paper squares.) Lafayette: Billions of molecules of pure, undiluted, twenty-fo' karat life. You take this in and you take in a piece of the vampire it came from. The trick is...(whispering) you have to let it take you deep. Follow it. Soak it in. (Lafayette takes the last paper square he dabbed with V and places it in his mouth. He closes his eyes, and exhales. Jason, no longer cuddling the throw pillow, moves closer.) Jason: What kind of vampire is that? (Lafayette opens his eyes.) Lafayette: He's new. So the blood is still a little wild. I can feel him in my muscles makin' me strong. (Jason chuckles nervously, still staring at Lafayette.) Lafayette: But you might get another side of him. The same V could affect you in a whole 'nother way. But I guarantee you'll see the world with new eyes. (Lafayette slides a paper square with his right index finger to Jason's side of the glass-top table. With his left hand, Jason picks up the square, He looks at it and hesitates slightly before placing it on his tongue. He closes his mouth and his eyes, and exhales deeply.) Jason: Christ, I can't believe I'm doin' this again. Lafayette: Oh, no, man. You doin' it for the first time. SCENE 5: The bar at Merlotte's after the lunch crowd. Sookie and Arlene are tending to their end-of-shift duties. Four people are sitting at the other end of the bar eating their meals, including Detective Andy Bellefleur, who sits at the corner. Sookie, her hair in pigtails, has spilled some ketchup on her left hand. She grabs a towel to wipe off the ketchup. Arlene and Sam are behind the bar. A man is playing a video slots machine near the front door. Arlene: That vampire Bill would get a rise out of that. Sookie: You'll have to ask him yourself. Arlene: Vamp club not all it was made out to be, huh? A lot of freaks, I hear. And people from Arkansas. Sookie: It was fine. (Sookie continues pouring the remainder of a bottle of ketchup into another.) Arlene: So what, then? Did that vampire get all handsy with you? Sookie: I can take care of myself. And no, I won't be goin' out with him again. (Arlene looks incredulously at Sam, who cracks a small smile. Sookie stops pouring ketchup.) Sookie: OK, that place was kinda freaky, but how are you ever gonna know until you go see for yourself. Sam: I said my piece yesterday. (Sookie picks up the bottles of ketchup and continues pouring.) Arlene: I'm sorry it didn't turn out like you'd hoped, but better it happens now than before you end up hurt, or dead. (Sookie looks silently at Arlene. Arlene walks away. Sam approaches Sookie.) Sam: I hope you're not too flipped out to miss the Descendants of the Glorious Dead tonight. Sookie: No, I gotta go. Gran spent all week on it. Sam: Good, 'cause...I was gonna ask if you wanna go with me. (Andy Bellefleur and the other three diners stop eating and look at Sam and Sookie.) Sam: Maybe we'll go grab a cup of coffee or somethin' after. (Sookie stares at Sam for a few seconds, and puts down the bottles of ketchup.) Sookie: Are you askin' me out? (Sam smiles nervously.) Sam: Yeah, I am. (Sam looks downward.) Sam: That's pretty much how I do it. (Sam looks at Sookie again.) Sam: Sometimes they even say yes. (Arlene is now watching Sam and Sookie with the four diners. Sookie looks at the diners, then at Sam.) Sookie: Everyone's lookin' at us. Sam: I know. You better say yes. (Silence between Sookie and Sam, as Arlene cranes her neck to watch them from the other end of the bar. Sookie smiles.) Sookie: Shoot. Why not? Sam: Good. (Sam looks at the diners and Arlene.) Sam: Eyes back on your food, people. (Sam leaves, Sookie looking at him with a confused smile. Shortly, Andy Bellefleur is the only one left sitting at the bar, wiping his mouth with a napkin. Sookie brings him a refilled bottle of ketchup and places it in front of him.) Sookie: Sorry about that. They were all kind of watery. Andy Bellefleur: No sweat. Love is in the air, huh? Sookie: Uh, I guess? Andy Bellefleur: Even that brother of yours. He gettin' serious with Tara? Sookie: Tara who? Tara Tara? Andy Bellefleur: I thought you knew. Sookie: If there was any truth to it, I would. Andy Bellefleur (thinking): There you go, right there. I knew it. Tara ain't bangin' Stackhouse. Bitch lied to me. Sookie: Watch your mouth, Andy Bellefleur. Andy Bellefleur: I didn't say anything. (Looking directly at Sookie; thinking) I know I didn't say anything, but I did think it. And you heard it, that means it's true. You can hear what people think. Sookie: Let me get you a refill on that tea. (Sookie picks up the red plastic tumbler in front of Andy Bellefleur and walks behind him to his left. He looks to where Sookie has walked. Sookie enters the service area of Merlotte's. Sam is drying a tumbler.) Sookie (to Sam): Need a sweet tea. (Sookie places the tumbler she took from Andy Bellefleur on a stainless steel tabletop by Sam.) Sookie: Tara here yet? Sam: She just came in. She's in the ladies' room. (Sookie turns and storms to the ladies' room, where Tara is fixing her hair in front of a mirror. Sookie opens the door, and Tara turns to face her.) Tara: Why didn't you tell me you were goin' out with Sam? Sookie: Because it...just happened. And how did you know? Tara: Arlene, she works fast. Sookie: All's he did was ask me to the DGD tonight. It's in a church, for cryin' out loud. (Sookie looks out into the service area at Sam through the open door of the ladies' room, then looks back at Tara.) Sookie: And why shouldn't I? He's perfectly nice, and he's got a good job, and he's not a vampire, and...oh, why...why do I have to justify this to you? Tara: Wha...I'm entitled to know what my girl's up to, ain't I? Sookie: Yeah, about that... (Sookie closes the door to the ladies' room as Sam watches from the service area.) Sookie: Why does Andy Bellefleur think you're seein' my brother? Tara: I went down to the sheriff's and gave Jason an alibi. Sookie: What'd you do that for? Tara: Because I know he's innocent and so do you. And we both know the more time he spends with the police the more he's gonna talk himself into trouble. (Tara looks rather evasive.) Sookie: Is there something' else you're not tellin' me? Tara: No. Tara (thinking): La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la ... Sookie: What are you doin'? Tara: Not every detail of everyone's personal life is your business, OK? (Tara opens the door to the ladies' room and walks into the service area, passing Sam.) Tara (shouting): Keep that girl away from me! (Sookie leaves the ladies' room, walks into the service area, and picks up a red plastic tumbler.) Sam: Is everything OK? (Sookie leaves the service area, and takes the red plastic tumbler to Andy Bellefleur, resting his chin on his wrists. She places the tumbler on the bar in front of him as he sits up.) Sookie: Here you go. Hey...now that I think of it, my brother and Tara have kind of been sneakin' around lately. It's a shame they feel they gotta keep it quiet. Andy Bellefleur (looking directly at Sookie; thinking): She must think I'm an idiot, like I don't know now she's coverin' for him too. <snip>, don't look her in the eye. (Andy Bellefleur looks away from Sookie.) Sookie: If you're gonna accuse me of lyin', be a man and say it out loud, for Pete's sake. (Andy Bellefleur looks at Sookie again.) Sookie: Either way, I'm gonna hear you whether you look me in the eye or not. Let's face it, there's not a whole lot of ideas in there. Like mice in a cage. (Andy Bellefleur is still looking at Sookie.) Sookie: I know you're graspin' at straws, but don't drag my brother down with you. (Sookie turns around, and heads toward the other end of the bar as Andy Bellefleur watches, pouting.) SCENE 6: The Church just before 8:00 PM. It is dark, and people are entering the church. Hoyt Fortenberry is inside, handing flyers to seated attendees. Hoyt: Here you go. Mrs. Fortenberry: Hoyt! (Hoyt turns his head to see his mother gesturing "come here". She is standing in the chancel, trying to remove a large brass cross on a pedestal above and behind the altar. Hoyt and walks up to the altar rail.) Hoyt: Ah, ah, ah! Mama! What are you doin'? Mrs. Fortenberry (whispering): Help Mama get this thing down! Hoyt: Get it...? (Hoyt looks at the gathering, then back at his mother, with a concerned look on his face.) Mrs. Fortenberry (whispering): Our guest of honor is a vampire. Adele plum forgot that little fact when she booked the church for tonight. What do you think's gonna happen when he comes out and sees a giant cross? Hoyt: I don't know. Mrs. Fortenberry (whispering): Well, I don't either. But if he sizzles up like fatback bacon in front of everybody, there's not gonna be much of a meetin', now, is there? (Hoyt shakes his head.) Mrs. Fortenberry (whispering): Now come on, make yourself useful. (Mrs. Fortenberry reattempts to remove the cross, as Hoyt goes to help her.) Hoyt: Quit jerkin' on it. (Gran, dressed in white and wearing a red corsage, is also handing out flyers, and greets Ren , Arlene, and Arlene's children Coby and Lisa near the front doors of the church. Gran chuckles.) Gran (to the children): Hi, there, munchkins! I reckon you're the youngest history buffs we've had at the DGD. Ren : Yeah, well, they wouldn't stay home for nuttin'. The minute they heard "vampire", they hadda come. Arlene: Yeah. (Arlene pats Gran on the shoulder as she, Ren and the children enter the church. Mayor Norris approaches Gran.) Gran: Well, hello there, Mayor Norris. Mayor Norris: Evenin', Adele. Quite a turnout. (Mayor Norris's wife, Myra, joins them. She doesn't look happy as she looks at Mayor Norris and folds her arms.) Myra: Isn't it? Mayor Norris: Good thing Myra made extra ambrosia. Gran(to Myra): Oh...Andy Bellefleur will like that. He's with the Dearbornes. (Gran points to her left, and we see Sheriff Dearborne taking a chair beside Andy Bellefleur. Several women are fanning themselves with leaf fans.) Gran (off-camera): Look, Lord know why Bud insisted on wearing his uniform. (Myra looks around a bit nervously.) Mayor Norris (off-camera): Is our vampire friend here? Gran: In the kitchen waitin'. (Bill, dressed in a khaki-colored suit and striped blue shirt, sits alone at the end of a table in the church kitchen. The kitchen is unlit, save for some dim light coming through a window behind him. On the table are various food dishes covered in plastic wrap, and an open bottle of Tru:Blood next to Bill. The camera closes in on the bottle and Bill seems to be staring into space.) Gran (off-camera): I left him with a bottle of that Tru:Blood they like. Mayor Norris (off-camera): Adele? Do you think we've taken enough precautions? (Gran and Mayor Norris are still talking in the nave. Gran: Against what?) Mayor Norris: Well, to make sure...everybody's safe. (The Mayor sighs.) Mayor Norris: Ordinarily I wouldn't pay no mind, but there's young folks here. (Gran's smile disappears.) Gran: Sterling, we don't have anythin' to be frightened of, Mr. Compton...is a perfect gentleman. (Gran resumes handing out flyers to incoming attendees.) Gran: Frankly I am more worried about what we might do to him. (Gran pats Mayor Norris on the back of his shoulders as he and Myra walk into the nave. Hoyt has climbed up onto the altar and is trying to remove the heavy, brass cross from view.) Hoyt: Hoooohhh! (Hoyt gives up.) Hoyt: Mama, this ain't gonna budge without a jackhammer or a blowtorch. Mrs. Fortenberry (whispering): Get down from there. I got a better idea. (Sookie, her hair worn down, enters the church. Sam walks just behind her. Sookie greets Gran.) Sookie: Wow! Gran, look at all the people! (Sookie gives Gran a hug and a kiss on the cheek.) Gran: Isn't it excitin'? (Sam joins Gran and Sookie.) Gran: Well, Sam Merlotte, what a nice surprise. (Bill is still sitting at the table in the church kitchen and still staring off into emptiness.) Sam (off-camera): When she told me she was comin' here alone tonight, I thought it would be a shame if she came without an escort. Gran (off-camera): How very gentlemanly of you. (Sam laughs (off-camera).) Sookie: (off-camera): OK, we're sittin' down now. (In the church, two older men place a Confederate flag onto a pedestal base, as Tara (perhaps the only African-American in attendance) watches wide-eyed, saying nothing. There is an empty seat to her right, and more on her left. Sam and Sookie make their way down the row of chairs.) Sookie (to Tara): Hey, girl. Can we join you? (Sam and Sookie approach Tara.) Sam: Hi, Tara. Tara (laughing nervously): Sure, come on in. (Sam sits at Tara's left, and Sookie sits at Sam's left.) Tara (to herself): Could always use more white people. (Tara elbows Sam and he jumps. Outside the church, as more people walk inside, Jason approaches alone. Instead of going inside, he looks up at a magnolia tree, which seems to glow as Jason remembers what Lafayette said to him that morning.) Lafayette (off-camera): If you can learn to control it, V will open up your mind... (Jason sees sparks fly out of the blooms of the magnolia tree.) Lafayette (off-camera): ...to everything you missin' around you. (Jason gazes upward at the sparkling magnolia blooms, and his expression changes from one of awe to a smile. He looks around, wipes his eyes with his hands and his hands on the front of his shirt. Inside the church, three rednecks, Wayne (wearing a blue denim jacket), Royce (wearing a camo t-shirt) and Chuck (wearing an unbuttoned plaid shirt) are walking around, looking for seats.) Wayne: There's nothing but old people. Man, I thought we were here for a vam-purr, not zombies. Chuck: Yeah, more like "Descendants of the Walking Dead." (The rednecks find seats. Wayne sits to the right of Chuck, who sits at the right of Royce, who has an aisle seat.) Royce (whispering): Hey! You <snip> didn't leave the <snip> in the pick 'em-up, did you? (Wayne pats the front pocket on the left side of his jacket. Tara is fanning herself with a Jesus fan as Jason walks in from behind and looks at the crowd in the church. Jason takes a deep breath. He makes his way slowly to Tara. Despite the blades of the ceiling fan of the church beating the air rapidly, Jason hears a slow, heavy beating sound. He sees a bead of perspiration as it rolls down the back of Tara's neck, and he hears a small waterfall. Jason greets Tara from the right, smiling.) Jason: Hey. (Tara looks up at Jason while Sookie and Sam turn their heads toward him.) Jason: Mind if I sit with you? Tara: Uh...sure, have a seat. (Jason takes the empty aisle seat at Tara's right, and notices Sam and Sookie next to her.) Jason (to Sam and Sookie): Hey, guys. Tara (to Jason): How you feelin'? Jason: Oh, strong! Alive. (Jason stares at the altar and smiles like a brain-dead game show prize model.) Jason: Yep! (Sookie is sitting forward in her chair.) Sam (to Sookie, whispering): Hey, sit back. It's OK. Relax. Sookie: I thought I was relaxed. Sam: I don't think you know how. (Sookie sits back in her chair somewhat uneasily. Mrs. Fortenberry's concern with the cross has been successfully addressed, the cross now draped from view with an American flag. Gran walks to the front of the nave. Most of the crowd is sitting; some are standing.) Gran (to the crowd): Welcome. It certainly is a pleasure to see so many new faces here this month. But Mayor Norris assures me that there will be enough ambrosia and tipsy cake for everyone. (The crowd gives a collective, polite laugh, save for Andy Bellefleur, who fidgets.) Gran: Now, our guest tonight is a gentleman who, despite what you might have heard, is one of us. (As we look at the crowd, it becomes evident that there are no pews in this church; only chairs.) Gran: His family was among the first to settle in Bon Temps and he bravely fought for Louisiana in the war for Southern independence. Let us welcome one of the original sons of Bon Temps back to the town that he helped build. I give you First Lieutenant William Thomas Compton. (Gran steps aside and Bill opens a door near the pulpit, entering to some scattered applause. The door closes behind him. Bill steps up to the pulpit and looks at the crowd.) Bill: Thank you, Mrs. Stackhouse. If you'll pardon me for a moment... (Bill steps down from the pulpit and walks to the flag-covered cross and removes the flag from it. The crowd gasps. Bill takes a flagpole from the altar and reattaches the flag to it. Upon finishing, Bill looks up at the flag, then at the crowd.) Bill: As a patriot of this great nation, I wouldn't dream of puttin' myself before Old Glory. (Bill places the flag and flagpole in a pedestal stand beside the altar, returns to the pulpit, and speaks into the microphone.) Bill (smiling slightly): As you can see, I did not burst into flames. (Bill's smile broadens, and some laughter is heard from the crowd.) Bill: We vampires are not minions of the Devil. We can stand before a cross, or a Bible, or in a church, just as readily as any other creature of God. Mrs. Fortenberry (to Hoyt; whispering): Wha...how was I supposed to know? Bill: I am honored to stand before you tonight. Vampires have traditionally been very private, perhaps to our detriment. But I believe, if we reach out to one another, that we can coexist... (Bill looks at Sookie.) Bill: ...and even thrive together. (Sookie looks down at the floor. Bill smiles anyway.) Bill: I served in the 28th Louisiana infantry, formed in Monroe in 1862, under Colonel Henry Gray. It was there that we learned the value of human life, and the ease with which it can be extinguished. (Bill continues speaking.) Sheriff Bud Dearborne (to Andy Bellefleur): That son of buck's been killin' since the 1860's. Why stop now? Andy Bellefleur: That don't prove anything. (Sheriff Dearborne looks at Andy Bellefleur, who looks at Terry Bellefleur across the aisle from them.) Andy Bellefleur: My cousin Terry killed 20 Iraqis in Fallujah. You sayin' we should lock him up? Sheriff Bud Dearborne: Your cousin Terry should be locked up. Bill: Uneducated as we were, we knew little of the political or ideological conflicts that had led to this point. (Coby leans over Ren to Arlene.) Coby (whispering): Mama, he's so white! Arlene: No, darlin'. We're white. He's dead. (Ren chuckles quietly.) Bill: But goin' to war was not a choice for us. We believed to a man.. (Jason stares intently at Bill. Jason's heart pumps furiously. Bill's voice echoes in Jason's ears.) Bill: ...that we had a calling to fulfill. A destiny handed down to us from above. (We see Bill from the POV of someone sitting on the right-hand side of the church. The echoing is no longer present.) Bill: God forbid should any of our men become wounded or injured. Often the only recourse for a serious injury was amputation. (Royce laughs to himself as Bill continues speaking.) Bill (off-camera): More times than I care to remember, I had to hold down one of my fellow soldiers while the medic took a saw to his arm or leg. We had no anesthesia at the time. Apart from a bit of whiskey. (Sookie turns her head over her right shoulder, and sees Wayne taking a garlic press from inside his jacket and handing to Chuck, who opens it.) Royce (to Chuck; whispering): Load it up! (Sookie gives the rednecks a disapproving look as Chuck hands the garlic press to Royce.) Bill (off-camera): It often seemed that the man bein' operated upon suffered more from his surgery than he did from his original wound. Even if he survived the amputation, the chance of subsequent infection was high. (While remaining seated, Royce holds the garlic press in view of Bill and squeezes it, garlic coming out through the tiny holes.) Royce (semi-whispering, to Bill): <snip>! (Bill, non-plussed, glances at Royce as the three rednecks giggle amongst themselves like children.) Unknown Female Voice (whispered): Keep it down! Bill: In the winter months, the nights could grow bitter cold. (Bill continues speaking as Hoyt, in the church kitchen, takes items from the refrigerator and places them on a table. Upon removing a cake, Hoyt finds a bottle of Tru:Blood, picks it up, looks at it, and opens it. He sniffs the uncapped bottle, puts the cap back on, and places the bottle back in the refrigerator. In the nave of the church, an elderly DGD member stands up from the audience and speaks to Bill.) Elderly DGD Member: My great-grandfather was in the 28th. (The audience turn and look at him.) Elderly DGD Member: I wonder if you might have known him. His name was Tolliver Humphries. Bill: Tolliver Humphries. Elderly DGD Member: Um-hmm. Bill: Yes. I knew him very well. We fought together. Tolliver Humphries was my friend. He was a brave man, perhaps to a fault. I dare say it contributed to his death. Elderly DGD Member: What happened? Were you there? Bill: I was. Flashback to the American Civil War battlefield. A Confederate flag rests on the ground. A Confederate soldier lays wounded and coughing in the arms of another Confederate soldier. Other soldiers lay on the ground and two more, Bill and a young Tolliver Humphries, sit against a large tree. (Bill (narrating; off-camera): We were about 20 miles north of where I stand now. The Federals outnumbered us five to one. And they had better firepower as well. We'd spent much of the afternoon recovering the bodies of those we'd lost.) Wounded Boy Soldier (off-camera): Help me, please! (Bill (narrating; off-camera): There was a boy in our troop, no more than 13 or 14, who lay wounded in the middle of a field under poor cover.) The wounded boy soldier lays on the ground some distance away from the rest, calling to the men. (Bill (narrating; off-camera): He called to us all day. He begged us to help him.) Bill turns around and aims his rifle at the wounded boy solder. (Bill(narrating; off-camera): He knew he would die if we didn't. I admit I considered shootin' the boy myself just to shut him up. But Tolliver convinced me that would be an act of murder, not war.) Tolliver pulls the rifle away from Bill. Tolliver Humphries (shouting): He's one of us! Tolliver and Bill sit behind the large tree. (Bill (narrating; off-camera): He told me God wanted him to rescue that boy.) Tolliver Humphries: I'll go get him. Tolliver takes the rifle and runs to the wounded boy soldier. Bill: No. Tolliver...(screaming) Tolliver, please...! (Bill(narrating; off-camera): I pleaded with him not to go. To think of his wife and children back home. He ran into that field like it was a cool spring day.) Bill watches as Tolliver is shot multiple times and falls. (Bill (narrating; off-camera): They shot him just as he reached the boy.) Bill, behind the tree, slumps down. (Bill (narrating; off-camera): It was obvious to us that he was beyond help. And then, after a while, the boy started screamin' again.) Tolliver lies dead beside the wounded boy soldier, who screams. (Jason is jolted out of whatever V-induced state he was enjoying. Nervously, Jason looks around at the crowd. All eyes are on Bill.) Mrs. Fortenberry: What happened to the boy? Bill: He lived. He survived the day... (Terry Bellefleur seems as if he's about to explode.) Bill: ... and then under cover of darkness we retrieved him later that night, along with the body of Tolliver Humphries. But it seems that Tolliver was right. God did look after his descendants. Yes? Mayor Norris. (Mayor Norris stands up. With the aid of a cane, he slowly walks up to Bill.) Mayor Norris: I've been digging in the archives this week... and I found this old tintype. (Mayor Norris holds up the tintype, in a folding picture frame, to Bill.) Mayor Norris: The inscription on the back says, "Mr. W.T. Compton and family." Can you tell us if this is a picture of you? (Bill takes the tintype from Mayor Norris, opens the frame, and looks at the black-and-white image of himself standing behind a little girl. A woman is sitting down next to them, holding an infant (their son) in her arms. Bills tries not to be emotional.) Bill: This... this is a remarkable photograph. I remember the day we gathered to have this taken. Mrs. Fortenberry: When was the last time you were with them? Bill: When I..I went to war in 1862. I...my human life ended before I had a chance to come back home. Ren : But'choo became a...a vampire after that, right? Couldn'tcha go back to your family then? Bill: No. No. That wouldn't have been possible. (Bill closes the picture frame, and dabs his eyes with a handkerchief.) Bill: I apologize. This is not a subject I'm very comfortable speaking about. But thank you for the photograph, Mayor. Brings back many memories for me. (The Mayor returns to his seat as Bill returns to the pulpit.) Bill: Any other questions? (Bill clenches his handkerchief in his right fist by his side. It's stained with a drop of blood.) SCENE 7: The church's fellowship hall. Tiny Confederate flags decorate the tables at which people are enjoying food and conversation. Piano music is in the background. Gran and Bill are standing, talking with a blond woman dressed in blue. Gran: Thanks for coming, dear. (Gran and Bill smile, and the blond woman leaves. Terry Bellefleur approaches Bill. Terry shakes his head, then hugs Bill.) Terry: They don't understand, man. None of them will ever understand. (Bill nods.) Terry: You stay sharp, brother. Bill: All right. (Bill watches Terry as Terry leaves. Bill and Gran are then approached by Mrs. Fortenberry.) Mrs. Fortenberry: Could I...? (Hoyt joins the three.) Mrs. Fortenberry: Would it be possible to take a picture with you? Bill: Of course. Mrs. Fortenberry: You won't vanish in the photo? Bill: That's just a myth. And it's one I'd be happy to disprove. (Mrs. Fortenberry hands a camera to Gran.) Bill (to Mrs. Fortenberry): Come around. (Bill has his right arm across Mrs. Fortenberry's shoulders, and Hoyt has his right hand on Bill's left shoulder. It seems Bill is taller than Mrs. Fortenberry, and Hoyt is taller than Bill. The three smile, and Hoyt gives a thumbs-up signal to Gran, who snaps a picture and returns the camera to Mrs. Fortenberry.) Gran (smiling): Here you are. Mrs. Fortenberry: Thanks so much, Adele. (Bill smiles at Mrs. Fortenberry and Hoyt as they walk away. Sookie approaches Gran and Bill.) Sookie (to Bill): Hey! Great job tonight! (Sam joins the three.) Gran: Wasn't he just marvelous? Sam (somewhat less than cordial): Yeah, that was...that was quite a show. Sookie: Bill, you remember Sam, right? (Sookie and Sam look at one another briefly.) Bill: Yes, you're Sookie's employer. Sam: Not when we're off-duty. (Sam puts his arm around Sookie.) Bill: No, legally you still are. (Sam gives Bill a hard look.) Sam: Well, I just wanted to congratulate you. Seems like you've won everybody over. Bill (looking directly at Sookie): Well, some, I hope. Sam: Well, we better get going. We're gonna grab a cup of coffee before we call it a night. Bill (to Sam, somewhat coldly): Coffee. Sounds delightful. (Sookie hugs Gran.) Sookie: Good night, Gran. I'll see ya later. (Gran nods. Sookie and Sam leave Bill with Gran.) Bill (half-heartedly): He seems nice. Gran: Hmm... SCENE 8: Merlotte's that evening. Tara is serving drinks at the bar. A blond woman in a red floral print top and a miniskirt made from an old pair of jeans walks past a table where Jason, Hoyt, and Ren are sitting. There's an empty clear plastic beer pitcher on their table. Arlene is dressed in her Merlotte's uniform, taking an order from a nearby table. Hoyt: Man, this place is crawlin' with hot chicks and we're just sittin' here like our <snip> are stuck together. Ren : Don't look at me. My ch re is right there. (Ren looks over his right shoulder at Arlene. Jason unbuttons his shirt and rubs the table with his hands.) Ren (to Hoyt): You want a girl so bad, you get one yourself. You... (Arlene runs her fingers through Ren 's hair as she walks past their table.) Jason: Want another round? Ren : Yeah...? Hoyt: Hey...maybe we should order up a couple of those Tru:Bloods. (Ren makes an ugly face.) Hoyt: After meetin' a vampire tonight, don't you wanna try it and see what it's like? Ren : I go to the dog races. You see me eating Alpo? (Jason turns his head over his left shoulder in the direction of the bar area.) Hoyt: I just thought he was pretty cool, was all. Another Dixie Draft? Jason? (Jason has tuned out the crowd. At the other end of Merlotte's, he sees a woman wearing a leaf garland in her long brown hair and a purple dress. She is reclining on her side on a rock by a waterfall, pouring water from an amphora, and surrounded by greenery. It is Tara, and she is smiling at Jason.) Hoyt: Jason! (Jason returns to reality and turns around.) Hoyt: Dixie Draft? Jason: Yeah. I'll get it. (Jason picks up the empty beer pitcher and stands up.) Jason: I love you guys. Hoyt: I know. (Jason leaves the table as Hoyt and Ren look at one another, seemingly concerned about Jason's behavior. Jason walks up to Tara at the bar. Tara is not smiling at Jason as he hands her the empty pitcher.) Tara: Another Dixie Draft? (Jason grabs Tara's arm with his left hand and caresses it.) Jason (looking at Tara's arm): Whoa! You feel that? Every hair on your arm shooting sparks into my hand. (Tara looks at Jason as if he's lost his mind.) Jason: You know those 'lectric fences they use to pen horses? It feels like I just pissed on one. Tara: Oh, my God, you are still high. I'm gonna kill Lafayette. (Tara places the empty pitcher behind the bar.) Jason: No, don't. I'm not high. (Tara looks at Jason with disbelief.) Jason: OK, I am high. But that don't mean that what I'm feeling ain't real. For the first time, I can see clear. All these years, I was blinded by the <snip> that keeps people apart. It's you, Tara. It's been you all along. Tara: Who you think you're talking to? I've known you since I was 6 years old. Jason: And it's taken me all this time to admit it. Come here. (Jason leans over to Tara, and she giggles.) Jason: This bar might be full of beautiful women, but you're the one who took care of me when I needed it. You showed me love, Tara. And that's the most beautiful thing of all. (Jason and Tara look at one another. Tara isn't giggling anymore.) Tara: Come to me when you're sober. Then we can talk serious. (Jason interlaces the fingers of his left hand with Tara's.) Jason: Just give me a chance, I'll prove it to you. Everythin' I'm feelin'... (Jason has cupped his right hand over their hands.) Jason: ... I want to feel it with ya. One chance. (Jason lightly kisses Tara's hand.) Jason: That's all I'm askin'. (Tara is shaken and walks away.) SCENE 9: Sam and Sookie are having coffee and sharing a slice of pie at another restaurant. A small piece of pie remains on the plate as Sookie puts down her dessert fork. Sookie (smiling at Sam): Last bite's yours. Sam: No, you go ahead. Sookie: Here, we'll split it. (Sookie picks up her fork and cuts the piece of pie in two. Sookie eats one piece as Sam sips his coffee.) Sam: Well, I guess you saw this comin', huh? Sookie: What? Tonight? What makes you say that? Sam: Well, I said you could listen in. Hear what I'm thinkin' if you wanted. Have you ever even tried? Sookie: No, I have, and to be honest, it's a little weird. You don't think the way others do. Most people, it's whole sentences or images. With you, sometimes there's words, but other times, I just get these sounds. Like, waves of emotions. Sam: I guess I'm just a freak. Sookie: I was gonna say mysterious. (Sam looks at Sookie, and takes another sip of his coffee.) Sookie: How come nobody knows anything about you? I never hear you talk about where you're from, or your family, or anything. Sam: The place I'm from, the people who raised me, got nothin' to do with who I am. And I ended up pretty much raisin' myself. Sookie: Is that why you spend so much time alone? Sam: Naw. I think that's just 'cause I don't like people. (Sookie laughs.) Sookie: Come on, no one goes and opens a bar if they don't like people. Sam: Well...maybe I wanted to meet some pretty waitresses. Sookie: Too bad you got yourself a couple of crazy ones in the bargain. Sam: Sookie? There's nothin' wrong with you. I can't understand why you'd wanna fix or change or hide anything. I wouldn't want ya any other way. Sookie: You're just tryin' to get on my good side. Sam: How am I doin'? (Sookie chuckles and looks at the dessert plate.) Sookie: Finish it. (Sam cuts the tiny piece of pie in two, and eats one of the pieces.) Sam: That's yours. (Sookie eats the last piece.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 10: Merlotte's, the same evening. Lafayette is in the kitchen mixing something with a spoon. He is wearing the same black tank top and turban as he did that morning. Arlene comes to the service window, returning a hamburger. Lafayette: Is there a problem with my burger? Arlene: Just a couple of drunk rednecks, that's all. Lafayette: Well, what's they problem? Arlene: Oh, come on, now. It's not worth it. Lafayette: What did they say? (Lafayette looks from the service window of the kitchen into the restaurant. Royce, Wayne, and Chuck are sitting in a booth, looking at him.) Arlene: He said the burger... (Lafayette slams the spoon down.) Lafayette (angry): What did they say, Arlene? Arlene: He said the burger might have AIDS. (Lafayette cocks his head and removes his earrings.) Arlene: Lafayette? (Lafayette removes his apron and leaves the kitchen with the hamburger. Arlene clasps her hands behind her head, looking worried.) Arlene: Oh, fudge. (Lafayette walks to the rednecks' booth with the burger.) Lafayette: 'Scue me...Who ordered the hamburger... (Lafayette places the burger on the table in front of the three.) Lafayette: ...with AIDS? (Wayne and Chuck laugh.) Royce: I ordered the hamburger deluxe. Lafayette: In this restaurant, a hamburger deluxe come with fren' fries, lettuce, tomato and mayo...(yelling) and AIDS! (Lafayette looks around.) Lafayette (shouting): Do anybody got a problem with that? Royce: Yeah! I'm an American. And I got a say in who makes my food. Lafayette: Well baby, it's too late for that. <snip> been breedin' your cows, raising your chickens, even brewin' your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this <snip>. Everything on your <snip> damn table got AIDS. Royce (angry): You still ain't makin' me eat no AIDS burger. Lafayette (leaning over closer to Royce): Well, all you gotta do is say "hold the AIDS." Here... (Lafayette takes the top bun off the burger, licks the mayonnaise off it, and crams it into Royce's face.) Lafayette: ...eat it! (Lafayette shoves the bun onto Royce's face. Wayne and Chuck get up to hit Lafayette, but he decks each of them. Royce tries to hit him, but Lafayette gut-punches him and fells him with a right uppercut to the jaw. Lafayette picks up the plate and looks at the three.) Lafayette (shouting): Bitch, you come in my house, you gonna eat my food the way I <snip> make it! Do you understand me? (Lafayette drops the plate onto Royce's lap. Royce looks hard at Lafayette, and knocks the plate off his lap.) Lafayette: Tip your waitress! (Lafayette turns around, walks past Jason. Jason holds out his left hand and slaps Lafayette's left palm with it. Jason, Hoyt, and Ren look at Royce, Wayne and Chuck, and laugh at them.) SCENE 11: The brick exterior of the restaurant where Sookie and Sam shared dessert and coffee. There is a glass door with a green frame and a white lace curtain behind the glass, cinched with a green band in the center. On the upper part of the door, an OPEN sign is displayed, and the words "FRESH FISH" and "OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK" are painted on the glass below the sign. A bell rings as the door is opened. Sookie and Sam exit. The bell rings again as Sam closes the door behind them. Sam: I, for one, am thankful you can't hear all my thoughts. Sookie: Why's that? (Sam grabs Sookie by the hips and smiles.) Sam: 'Cause then you'd know what's comin'. (Sam backs Sookie up against his sport-utility vehicle and kisses her passionately on the lips. Sookie returns the kiss, then backs off.) Sam: You OK? Are we goin' too fast? Sookie: No. Uh..n-no. Uh...maybe? Sam: I don't wanna make you do anything you don't wanna do. Sookie: No, I do, I do, I do. Trust me. I..I want to. It's just...kinda... too much right now, and a little too soon since... Sam: Since what? Oh, <snip> damn it, Sookie! (Sam turns away from Sookie.) Sookie: I'm sorry. I'm not used to this. Sam: Should never have gone to see that damn vampire. Sookie: It's not him! It's just ...just stop it! I just can't go jumpin' from kissin' one man to the next so quickly. Sam: You kissed him? Sookie: That's none of your business. Sam: What else did you do? Sookie: That's really none of your business. Is this a contest for you? Whatever he did, you have to top it? Sam: Come on, be fair. Sookie: You know what's unfair, is you waitin' for someone else shows an interest before you decide to kiss me! Sam: Sookie! You have no future with a vampire! Sookie: They don't die. I've got nothing but a future with one. Sam: Oh, just like Dawn had a future? Like Maudette Pickens had a future? Sookie: Bill did not kill those women. Sam: Listen, there's nothing that I will not do to keep that thing from hurting you. They're not like us. They could turn on you. Sookie: And people can't? You're doin' pretty good right now. (Sam calms down.) Sam: All right, I think I best take you home. (Sookie walks to the restaurant door.) Sookie: You go ahead. I'll call a cab. (Sookie goes inside, the bell ringing as she opens the door.) Sam (yelling): Aw...for cryin' out loud, don't be stupid, Sookie! Get in! (The restaurant door closes.) Sam: Sookie! (Sam slams the passenger-side door of his sport-utility vehicle. There is green sign hanging above the restaurant door. It is rectangular, hung horizontally, with concave sides. In cursive lettering reads "Crawdad's" and in smaller printed letters below that "[illegible] RESTAURANT". Next door to Crawdad's is a white sign with reddish letters reading "[illegible] ICE CREAM". Sam walks to the driver's door of his SUV, opens it, and climbs in.) SCENE 12: Back at Merlotte's, the blond woman in the red floral print tank top and blue jean miniskirt is dancing by herself between the bar and the billiards area. She seems to have had one too many. Jason seems to be encouraging Hoyt as Hoyt leaves their table to talk to her. Jason (to Hoyt, shaking his fist as if using a whip): Whip it! Whip it! (Hoyt approaches the dancing woman, who turns to face him. Hoyt smiles, and waves his right index finger in the air and trying to dance.) Randi Sue: What you doin', baby? Hoyt: Aw. You know, keeping it real. Partyin'. Randi Sue: Me too. I'm celebratin'! (Hoyt chuckles.) Hoyt: Oh, yeah? What's the occasion? Randi Sue: My divorce went through today! Yee-haaaaaa! (Randi Sue throws her arms up in the air, high-fives Hoyt, and spins around.) Hoyt: Whoa-ho! That's great. (Randi Sue stares glassy-eyed at Hoyt.) Randi Sue: He was a jerk. He shot my car. (Hoyt closes his eyes and shakes his head.) Hoyt: Hmm...sorry to hear that. Randi Sue: Yeah? (Ren and Jason watch Hoyt and Randi Sue from their table. Ren seems to be rather tipsy, too.) Ren : It's like watchin' Animal Planet, yeah? Any second, she gonna bite his head off, I swear. (Randi Sue rubs her back up against Hoyt's front.) Randi Sue: So...you wanna help me forget all about him? (Hoyt has rejoined Ren and Jason at their table.) Hoyt: She asked me to come home with her. Ren : So, what are you doin' here, you? Hoyt: I said I'd think about it. Ren : Aight...yeah, you a lost cause. (Ren drinks his beer.) Hoyt: What? I just didn't feel that..that spark! (Ren and Jason chuckle as Tara comes to their table.) Tara: Another Dixie Draft? (Tara places a fresh pitcher of beer on the table.) Tara: Tru:Blood, O Negative. (Tara places a cocktail napkin and a bottle of Tru:Blood in front of Hoyt.) Tara: No refunds on that, Hoyt. (Hoyt picks up the bottle of Tru:Blood.) Hoyt: It's... It's hot. Tara: That's the way it's served: Ninety-eight point six. (Tara walks to Jason, stops, and looks at him. Jason smiles at Tara. Tara walks away. Jason turns his head over his left shoulder, watching Tara walk away. Hoyt sips his Tru:Blood, wipes his mouth with his left hand, making a face.) Hoyt: Ohhhhhh! That <snip> is nasty. Ren : Yeah, what'd you expect? Is s'pose taste like blood. (Jason is bouncing in his chair.) Hoyt: I thought it was supposed to be some sort of life-force or somethin'. Jason: Tru:Blood don't do nothin'. The real life-force... is V. Hoyt: V? Ren : Vampire blood. It's illegal. (Ren puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it.) Jason: All our blood belongs to the universe. They take some from us, we take a little from them. Ren : I just say no to drugs, merci. (Ren puffs on his cigarette and drinks his beer.) Jason(to Hoyt): It might give you the will to seal the deal with that girl. (Randi Sue is standing where she was dancing earlier, looking at Hoyt.) Jason (to Hoyt) Only thing holdin' you back... (Jason snaps his fingers.) Jason: ...is you. (Hoyt makes a gun with his fingers and "shoots" at Jason. Jason and Ren raise a toast with their beers. Smiling, Hoyt lifts his bottle of Tru:Blood, kisses the bottom part of it, and joins in the toast, holding the bottle of Tru:Blood high in the air. Randi Sue's smile disappears, as does Hoyt's.) Hoyt: Ah, <snip>! (Ren and Jason double over laughing.) SCENE 13: The Old Compton House. No lights are on. Crickets chirp as Bill walks up the front lawn. He looks at the porch of the house, and stops, and stares at the porch, now dimly lit by four lanterns. He sees his family, circa mid-1860's. His daughter rocks in a chair to her mother's left, who also rocks in a chair, holding her and Bill's son, who is no longer an infant. Bill's son: Look. Bill's Wife: What do you see there, son? Bill continues to stare at the strange scene, until he is jolted back into reality by the Sheriff. Sheriff Bud Dearborne (off-camera): Mr. Compton? (Bill turns his head over his left shoulder, his family gone from the porch.) Sheriff Bud Dearborne (off-camera): I'm Bud Dearborne... (Sheriff Dearborne and Andy Bellefleur are standing behind Bill.) Sheriff Bud Dearborne: ...Sheriff of Renard Parish. This here's Detective Andy Bellefleur. Bill: Bellefleur? (Bill looks at Andy Bellefleur oddly.) Bill: What can I do for you gentlemen? Andy Bellefleur: We'd like to ask you a few questions pertaining to an investigation, if you don't mind. Bill: Of course. Won't you come on in? Sheriff Bud Dearborne: In to the house? (Bill turns and walks toward the house. Inside, Bill is stoking a fire in the fireplace in the parlor. Leaning against the right side of the fireplace is a strange, pronged implement. Bill stands up, turns around, and looks at the Sheriff and Andy Bellefleur, who stand in the front hall.) Bill: Please, make yourselves at home. (Bill smiles. The Sheriff and Andy Bellefleur slowly walk into the parlor, illuminated only by a few dimly-lit wall sconces and the fire in the fireplace.) Bill: May I offer you a drink? Sheriff Bud Dearborne: No, thank you. Bill: I have Frescas. Andy Bellefleur: You do? Bill: For guests. Andy Bellefleur: Well, I'll have a Fresca. (Bill leaves to get the Fresca, and he Sheriff and Andy Bellefleur sit on the sofa.) Sheriff Bud Dearborne (whispering): What the hell are you doin'? Andy Bellefleur (whispering): He offered. Sheriff Bud Dearborne (whispering): He's a suspect. Andy Bellefleur (whispering): Maybe to you. We got no evidence. Sheriff Bud Dearborne (whispering): He's a... (Sheriff Dearborne makes a pair of fangs with his index fingers and holds them in front of his face.) Sheriff Bud Dearborne (whispering more softly): ...vampire! (Andy Bellefleur sighs, stands up, and walks to the fireplace. He looks up at the mantle, then down at the fireplace, and notices the strange, pronged implement. He picks it up and makes an expression of confusion with his face. The sound of a soft drink can being opened is heard. The Sheriff turns his head to the left, and sees Bill beside the sofa, opening a can of Fresca.) Bill (looking at Andy Bellefleur): It's a toaster. For bread. You put the slices in the end and then you cook them over the hearth. I don't use it anymore, as I no longer eat. (Andy Bellefleur returns the toaster to its place, walks to Bill, accepts the Fresca from him, and sits back down on the sofa. Bill sits in a chair near the sofa, crossing his left leg over his right.) Bill: You said you had some questions for me. Andy Bellefleur: We're investigating a couple of homicides that took place locally in the past week. Bill: I've heard. Andy Bellefleur: Were you familiar with either of the victims? Maudette Pickens or Dawn Green? Bill: Miss Pickens, no, but Miss Green...I believe she worked over at Sam Merlotte's place. We never spoke, but I saw her. Sheriff Bud Dearborne: Were you aware that both had sexual contact with vampires? Bill: I was not. But it's more common than you would think. Sheriff Bud Dearborne: You have anybody that can vouch for your whereabouts on the night of the 23rd and the 27th? Bill: Tell me, Sheriff: were either of these unfortunate women exsanguinated when you found them? (The Sheriff and Andy Bellefleur look somewhat confused.) Bill: Drained of their blood? If you don't mind my askin'. Andy Bellefleur: Uh...that's not information we're at liberty to share. (Bill sighs.) Bill: Because a fresh corpse...full of blood...Detective, that's something no vampire could resist. I dare say, not even I. Andy Bellefleur: Good thing you weren't there. Bill: And nor was any other vampire. (Andy Bellefleur takes a sip of his Fresca.) Bill: A vampire would have drained those girls of every last drop. How's your Fresca? Andy Bellefleur: It's a little warm. Bill: I apologize. (smiling) I don't own a refrigerator. (Outside the Old Compton House, the Sheriff and Andy Bellefleur are walking to the police car parked in front.) Andy Bellefleur: Oh, shoot. I think I forgot my pen. Sheriff Bud Dearborne: Leave it. (The Sheriff and Andy Bellefleur get into the police car as Bill watches them from the parlor window, taking off his suit jacket, and tossing it on the arm of the sofa. We hear the police car's engine starting, and the car driving away. Bill walks to the fireplace, picks up the toaster, and looks at it.) Flashback to a night in 1865. Bill, rifle in hand, is breathing heavily. He climbs to the top of a hill and comes upon a small house and knocks on its door. Bill: Is there anyone inside? I require help. (somewhat desperately) I'm a soldier of the 28th Louisiana Infantry. (more desperately) I require food and water. Is there anyone who can help me? (The door of the house is cracked open, but is shut with either a rope or a leather strap [the scene does not make it clear which]. Bill takes out a large knife, cuts the rope (or leather strap), goes inside, and finds the barrel of a gun is pointed at his head.) Lorena: Do not move. I will shoot you! (Bill is in Lorena's house, sitting at a table, gulping water from a cup. Lorena is cooking food over the hearth, and brings some to Bill. Several candles and lanterns provide some light.) Lorena: I wasn't... even aware we surrendered. Bill: Word came two weeks ago. Yeah. We disbanded immediately. Most of the men marched back to Monroe, but I chose to take a shortcut home by...by way of these trails. I overestimated my knowledge of the land. (Lorena returns to the hearth and kneels to pick up the toaster.) Lorena: You're not far off. (Lorena picks up the toaster, with a slice of bread between its prongs, and brings it to Bill.) Lorena: A lake is 10 miles southwest of here... (Bill snatches up the slice of toast from the prongs of the toaster.) Lorena: ...Bon Temps is 10 miles south of that. (Bill tears off a piece from the slice as Lorena returns to the hearth. Bill tears off a piece from the piece he tore off, and eats. In the light, we see blood on the right sleeve and left breast of his shirt. Lorena kneels in front of the hearth, and turns her head over her left shoulder.) Lorena: My husband was in the 13th Infantry, under Colonel Gibson. He fought at Shiloh. (Lorena stands up.) Lorena: He used to write to me every few weeks, but I haven't heard from him in nearly seven months. (Lorena places a basin on the table, next to Bill.) Bill: Many of the postal routes have been disrupted. I'm sure your letter simply got lost. (Lorena pours water from a blue pitcher into the basin.) Lorena: That's kind of you. But I've considered myself a widow for some time now. (Lorena dips a cloth into the water and kneels beside Bill to wash his face while he eats. Bill's face, though dirty, has a ruddy complexion, while Lorena appears quite pale.) Lorena: Still have quite a lot of blood on you. You're a lucky man, lieutenant. I doubt you would've survived another day without food. Bill: I'm in debt to you for taking pity on me. Lorena: I think...for your sake...you best spend the night here...with me. (Lorena tries to kiss Bill's lips, and for a moment, it seems as if he wants to kiss her, too. However, he stops.) Bill: I'm sorry. I apologize if I misled you, but I have a wife and two small children waitin' for me. And if Bon Temps's as close as you say it is, then I'll see them soon, and I do not wish to sully our reunion. (Bill wipes his mouth with a napkin.) Lorena: You are an honorable man. The others have not always been so. (Lorena stands up.) Bill: There's been others? Lorena: From time to time. Deserters, mostly. I offered them a crust of bread and a place to rest, and they help appease my loneliness. It may not be moral, lieutenant, but these are times of war. (Lorena kneels and tries again to kiss Bill. He moves away from her, and stands up.) Bill: I do not judge you. Your choices are your own, as are mine. I wish to continue on my way home. You have my gratitude for your hospitality. I will not soon forget it. (Bill turns and walks in the opposite direction from Lorena. But, with lightning speed, she moves in front of Bill. Her mouth is open. And her fangs are exposed. She throws Bill to the floor, jumps on top of him, and bites him on the neck. Bill does not put up a fight. Later, Bill is in bed, dressed, motionless, his eyes closed. Lorena stands beside him, watching him. Bill's eyes open, and he sees a dead body, seemingly hung from a rope, dressed in a bloody shirt, its face pale, its eyes closed, its mouth open. Bill sees the face of another body, not as pale as the first, with dead eyes and its mouth twisted in agony. Bill stares in fright at Lorena.) Bill: The others? Lorena: They all presented themselves as gentlemen. Can blame the war if you like. They proved to be no more than savages once I let them into my home. They deserve no better. Bill: Uhn...Have they all died? Lorena: Oh, yes. But I'm not keen to let you go quite so easily. (Lorena climbs on top of Bill, still motionless in the bed.) Lorena: I've waited a long time for a man such as you. (Lorena takes the blade of a knife and cuts the jugular vein on the right side of her neck, the blood dripping around Bill's mouth as he writhes in horror.) Lorena(whispering): Drink! (in normal voice) If you do not drink, you will die. Certain as I'm speakin' to you right now. Do you wish to see your family again? Your wife? Your children? (Bill licks some of the blood from around his mouth.) Lorena: You must drink from me! (Lorena presses the open wound on her neck to Bill's mouth, and he drinks desperately.) Lorena: Take me in you! Feel me in you! We are together William, forever! You...are mine! (Lorena smiles and exposes her fangs.) (The Old Compton House. Crickets chirp as Bill walks up the front lawn. He looks at the porch of the house, and stops, and stares at the porch, dimly lit by four lanterns. He sees his family. His daughter rocks in a chair to her mother's left, who also rocks in a chair, holding her and Bill's son, who is no longer an infant..) Bill's son: Look. Bill's Wife: What do you see there, son? (Bill watches silently. Lorena is behind him, and speaks to him coldly, and unsympathetically.) Lorena: You know you can never enter. Do you wish to see them grow old? Grow feeble and die, while you remain the same year after year? Bill: They are my family. Lorena: They are as good as dead...if they are found harborin' a vampire. Bill looks longingly at his wife, daughter, and son. Lorena: I've brought you here, and now it's time for us to go. (A tear of blood falls from Bill's right eye. Lorena strokes Bill's left shoulder, unmoved by the scene.) Lorena: Come! (Lorena turns and walks off into the distance. Bill remains for one last look at his family, then turns to join Lorena.) (In the present, Bill is still holding the toaster by his fireplace. Angrily, he swings it like a baseball bat against the andirons a few times. Holding it up, he sees the toaster is still intact, still unharmed. Bill swings it twice more against the andirons.) SCENE 14: Behind Merlotte's. Tara is taking a bag of garbage to the Dumpster when she hears people having s*x on the other side of the Dumpster. Instead of putting the garbage in the Dumpster, Tara takes it with her as she walks to the other side, and sees Jason having s*x with Randi Sue. Both are still clothed. Tara: You gotta be kiddin' me! (Jason continues going after Randi Sue.) Jason: Uh...hey! Hey Tara! This is Randi Sue. Oh...come...join us! It's beautiful! (Jason, still going at it with Randi Sue, reaches out with open arms to Tara, who instead empties the bag of garbage on Jason and Randi Sue, and walks away.) Tara (yelling): <snip> you, Stackhouse! Randi Sue (to Tara, yelling): Bitch! Don't <snip> with my hair! (to Jason, yelling): Don't you dare stop! (Jason and Randi Sue continue making love in the garbage.) SCENE 15: A dark blue taxi with a yellow top drives up. In white letters below the right passenger-side window is "RADIO DISPATCHED", and in a larger font below that, "KC-579". In smaller text, in Brush Script font, is "Service Anywhere". Sookie is inside the taxi, paying the driver. She exits, and walks into the Stackhouse home from the back covered porch, where she removes her shoes. She then opens the door to the kitchen, puts her shoes and purse down, and slips on the floor, but does not fall. We can hear Tina, Sookie's pet cat, meowing. Sookie turns on the lights, looks down, and sees blood on the kitchen floor. Sookie turns her head and sees Gran lying in a large pool of blood.

Bill's car arrives outside Sookie's house, and the two have an argument about their encounter with the police officer and Bill confesses that, had she not been there, he would have fed on the officer. Bill promises to never call her again and leaves. Sookie asks her gran about her problem and Adele suggests that she not be afraid or suspicious of him just because he is different. Tara is furious at Lafayette for selling V-juice to Jason and makes him promise to apologize. When Jason stops by, however, Lafayette convinces him to give vamp blood another try and instructs him on how to take it properly. At Merlotte's, Sam seizes his opportunity with Sookie and asks her to go with him to the Descendents of the Glorious Dead meeting and she agrees. Her suspicions about Tara and her brother are also raised when she learns that Tara lied to the police in order to give Jason an alibi for Dawn's murder. That night at the D.O.G.D. meeting, a large crowd has gathered at the church to hear Bill's speech. Among them are three rednecks named Chuck, Wayne and Royce, who are stirring up some trouble. Adele introduces Bill and he recounts the story about the loss of his friend Tolliver Humphries during the Civil War. The Mayor of Bon Temps presents Bill with a photograph of his long-lost wife and children, which stirs powerful emotions in Bill. After the meeting, Sookie and Sam go out for coffee. Everything is going well until the conversation turns to vampires and Sam insists that Bill is dangerous, no matter how she feels about him. At Merlotte's, the trio of rednecks continue to stir up trouble when Royce sends back a burger, saying it has AIDS. This causes Lafayette to fly into a rage and slams the burger in the man's face. Jason, Rene and Hoyt are dining not far away and Hoyt fails to pick up a girl named Randi Sue. A very-stoned Jason professes his deep love for Tara, who is smart enough to wait until he is sober for this conversation. Bill is paid a visit at his house by Sheriff Bud Dearborne and Andy, who question him about the murders. Bill insists that no vampire could resist a body full of human blood, and since the victims were not exsanguinated, the murderer could not be a vampire. After they leave, Bill remembers how he was turned into a vampire by a woman named Lorena as he was making his way home to his family. She allows him to see them one last time from a distance, but assures him that his old life is over. Tara catches Jason having sex with Randi Sue in the alley behind Merlotte's, which infuriates her. Sookie takes a cab home from her dismal date with Sam and finds her Gran lying on the kitchen floor, dead and in a pool of her own blood.